#i doubt that i will winter triggers me so bad so bad

[palesoftangel]

happy first rain of winter ! fresh scent this is a new beginning. we'll do better this time

[ghosts-cant-sleep]

Heeeeyyy, never requested anything but i think i'll give it a shot because i really like the way you write! You're really talented :]

Mayhaps a simon "ghost" riley x male reader? Reader is very provocative and loves getting reactions out of people, no matter if they are amused chuckles or annoyed groans. BUT Ghost is a brick wall and reader sees it as a challenge? Im sure your beautidul mind will come up with something interesting!

May i have the "🦇" as my anon emoji? (If its not taken of course!)

Thanksss, have an amazing day/night!

you can whistle for it

simon 'ghost' riley x male! reader

warnings: idk how spotting works im just basing it off of that one american sniper scene kinda, suggestive innuendos, stupid jokes, not proofread,

notes: i love specific anons sm :3 yall r so cute :3 ofc u can have 🦇 :3 lysm :3

fem dni.

"Y'know, Lieutenant, I've been thinking-"

"I doubt that."

"-You, me, alone under the stars... It's pretty romantic, don't'cha think?"

"No."

A heavy sigh pushes past [Name]'s lips, hia breath blooming into a faint mist of white, fading into the deep blues of the sky hanging high above them.

The snow crunches bellow his elbows with every breath, laying thick over the plantlife. Frost coated the leaves that shrouded the pair, snowfall left the branches bending under the weight, there wasn't even a peep from the local fauna.

And oh god, what he wouldn't give to be warm like them, huddled in a burrow, coat all he'd need to keep warm. Instead, he was left in thick, stiff winter gear, the cruel wind biting at the tip of his nose in spite of the fleece-lined gaiter.

Hell, he was surprised his rifle wasn't crusted in ice.

He wasn't surprised, however, to deduce that the poor weather seemed to reflect on his lieutenant's mood, as if being stuck on overwatch for hours on end wasn't bad enough.

[Name] laid with his cheek resting on the stock of his gun, index finger lazily tapping against the trigger gaurd to some unrecognized rhythm.

And Ghost was right beside him, nearly hyper focused on spotted. Each had their eyes trained on their respective scopes, and both were miserable.

Aching backs, necks swiftly growing sore, eye's dry, lips cracking, and faces all kn all feeling like they'd be ready to freeze off any moment now. And that's not even mentioning that this was the fourth time Ghost had essentially requested [Name] shut his mouth in the past thirty minutes they'd been in the field, which was frustrating enough for both of them.

And excuse him for not wanting to waste his night sulking in silence, but making the best out of a less than steller situation didn't seem to be something Ghost was capable of.

It was charming, in its own annoying little way-- the relentless chatter and constant quips and jokes, even if they sometimes boarded on ridiculously unprofessional. Whether it be an annoyed groan, a flustered chuckle, or a reluctant smile masked with a roll of their eyes, his little antics never failed to coax out some reaction.

Almost never.

And in all honesty, this self inflicted, fruitless journey to get so much as a scoff out of Ghost wasn't even the point anymore. Sure, to be met with anything other than stubborn apathy would be a breath of fresh air, not to mention satisfying after so long of any and all jokes, swipes, and thinly veiled innuendo being shut down with little remorse would be a delight. But now? [Name] just wanted something to distract himself from the cold that clung to his skin.

So, as always, to Ghost's dismay, he gives it another go.

Dispite himself, another sigh is huffed out. He glances over to Ghost, the sight of something other than his reticle feeling foreign.

"So..." He starts, situating his sights back to his scope. "You got a girlfriend or anything?"

He found the idea a little funny. The image of this big, stoic man holding hands or otherwise being sweet on some pretty little lady.

There's a stretch of silence, expectantly so, and [Name]'s already racking his brain for something-- anything, to say next.

"No."

The low rumble of Ghost's voice takes him by surprise, but it'd be foolish to dwell on it long. An answer's an answer.

"Figured," [Name] mutters out, adjusting the grip on his gun, rolling out shoulders in an attempt to ease the discomfort that's begun to festerbetweenhia shoulder blades. "Does that mean you're up for grabs then?"

Only the whistle of wind responds this time.

"I'll take that as a maybe." He might as well have been aimlessly talking to himself. Hell, that would've been more entertaining than this.

"Y'know, I'm sure deep down you do think I'm funny." Told you; relentless. Still, despite the smile hidden behind his mask and the slightly forced crinkle in his eye, [Name] couldn't quite hide the irritation growing thick in his own throat.

"I think you're a distraction," Ghost is swift to correct, his balaclava doing little to hide the annoyance in his tone. "A liability if you're not careful, so do shut up."

[Name] can't help but shake his head, a sharp huff pulling from his throat. Sure Ghost was his superior, and by no means were they supposed to be all buddy-buddy with one another. But jesus fucking christ, would it hurt to crack smile. Hell, even Price offers a pitty laugh on the rare occasion.

"It wouldn't kill you to have some damn fun one in a while." The words leave his mouth before his can think better of it, tounge sharp.

"It might," Ghost is quick to retort with just as much bite. For the first time since they settled down, his eyes leave the spotter, sending a well received warning glare [Name]'s way. "Give it a rest, yeah?"

Be it the weather, the job, a wave of bravery, or simply just [Name]'s long overdue annoyance reaching its peak, he, in fact, does not give it a rest.

"It's like you're scared of saying something interesting for once."

"Maybe I'll let you chew on some lead to shut you up. That interesting enough?"

"Christ."

Every stretch on silence is near unbearable. It feels like even the wind still in these moments. [Name] would prefer a constant flood of berating and hardly enjoyable banter from Ghost far more than this.

The tension of the moment breifly lingers before it disapates just as swiftly as it had arrived, the tension in [Name]'s chest easing. He lets out a soft breath, his grip adjusts, his elbows sink furth into the snow.

"Well-" Ghost interjects with gruff sigh, "-Soap told me you like jokes."

"Did he, now?"

"Where do generals keep their armies?"

"Up their sleevies."

"God dammit, Ghost."

[Name] purses his lips, effectively splitting it down the center, the heat from the sting made all the worse by the every present chill. He had more pressing matters to worry about. "Why do snipers aim with one eye closed?"

"Sergeant."

"Humor me-- just this once, and I swear I'll shut up for the rest of the night." An obvious lie. However, Ghost doesn't try to correct it. "...Why do snipers aim with one eye closed?"

"...Why?"

"If they closed both, they wouldn't be able to see."

Yet another discontent sigh leaves Ghost's mouth. But, [Name] could've sworn he almost heard a smile forcing its way onto Ghost's face as he spoke. "Now are you done?"

[Name]s response isn't instantaneous. His head lifts from the small of the stock, gaze leaving the scope and finding Ghost beside him.

Ghost was still, near statuesque if it weren't for the soft puffs of breath that seeped through the thick knit of his mask. [Name] knew Ghost liked being behind the trigger more than anything, but he was sure Ghost's ego swelled, even if just a tad, over being the one chosen to spot instead.

Only when Ghost's eyes meet [Name]'s does he retreat back to his scope. Still, he let's his stiff face pull into a grin. "Say whatever you want, but I think I am starting to get to you, Lieutenant."

"Oh, piss off." This time, he hears Ghost shift around in place, a tired groan accompaning the shifting of snow beneath him. "Just quiet down before I show you how to put that mouth of yours to good use for once."

"Awe, c'mon now, you-- huh?"

[urdepressedslut]

main masterlist

♡fluff ✦angst ❀possibly triggering ☻smut ✰series ✘dark

🔥over 1k notes to be added to a taglist

MINORS DO NOT INTERACT | SOME CONTENT 18+

* You are responsible for your media consumption. Please do not proceed reading, if you have any kind of problem with any of the above written warnings.

One Shots

🔥 Tickle Fights ♡☻

→ Bucky discovers you’re ticklish, leading to a tickle fight which shifts into something not so innocent. (tfatws!bucky barnes)

🔥 Just Like That ☻

→ While you two were supposed to be repairing Sam’s boat, you end up giving Bucky head instead. (tfatws!bucky barnes)

🔥 Let Me Take Care of You ♡☻✦❀

→ Bucky is no virgin, but it’s been so long since someone’s touched him the way you do. He didn’t know you could make him feel so good— he’s addicted. (Beefy!Bucky Barnes)

🔥 Lovesick ♡✦❀

→ Bucky is so in love with you it hurts, and he doesn’t know if he can keep his feelings locked away from you anymore. (tfatws!bucky barnes)

🔥 I Get Scared Too ♡✦

→ You have a close call during a mission, and back at the compound Bucky seems to be distant and cold towards you. (tfatws!bucky barnes)

Feels So Right | part two ♡☻

→ You’re so sexually frustrated you end up asking your dad’s best friend for advice. He’s more than happy to help you with your little problem. (Dbf!Bucky Barnes)

Birthday Blues ♡✦❀

→ It’s your birthday, and unfortunately you seem to be going through the birthday blues. Sam and Bucky won’t let you be upset on your special day, which leads to Bucky revealing his feelings for you. (tfatws!bucky barnes)

Tears of an Angel | part two ♡✦❀

→ You’ve been trapped at HYDRA for god knows how long, until the cell next to yours gets someone new. Who is this man, and why is he comforting you? He doesn’t even know you. (The Winter Soldier/Bucky Barnes x Prisoner!Reader)

🔥 Love Hurts ♡✦❀

→ You and Bucky get into a heated argument, things are said and done and now he won’t speak to you. You don’t think you can handle him ignoring your existence. (Beefy!Bucky Barnes)

The Collection ♡✦

→ Bucky arrives home and panics when he notices you calling for him from your room, but upon entering— he realizes what you have been getting yourself into. (tfatws!Bucky Barnes)

Tragedy ♡✦❀

→ A new shapeshifter recruit has a hard time adjusting to the team, she feels out of place. Bucky knows what it's like to be the outsider and fight to have control, so he comforts her. (Platonic!Avengers!Bucky Barnes)

Off Day ♡✦❀

→ Bucky helps comfort you after you’ve had a bad day. (tfatws!bucky barnes)

Void ♡✦❀

→ Working as a nurse at HYDRA, you find yourself intervening when you catch Alexander Pierce striking The Asset. You don’t even know this man, but you can’t just stand and watch him be beat down. (The Winter Soldier/Bucky Barnes x Hydra!Reader)

You Could Never Hurt Me ♡✦❀

→ Bucky realizes what he’s done to you after an episode, and starts to doubt if he deserves to be with you. (cw!bucky barnes)

I Wanna Be Yours ♡✦❀

→ You were childhood friends with Steve and Bucky. You had always had a small crush on Bucky. But now as you’re older, you realize that harboring a crush on Bucky is hard. Especially watching him flirt with girls that aren’t you. (40's!bucky barnes)

More Than Friends ♡✦

→ You are eager to help Bucky prepare for a date, but he would rather stay home with you. (tfatws!bucky barnes)

Protect Me ♡✦❀

→ With Zemo hanging around, you begin to feel very protective over Bucky. (tfatws!bucky barnes)

Out of My Control ♡✦❀

→ You awake in the middle of the night discovering that your water broke, you realize you’re having a baby— the only issue is that it’s several months early. Your hospital room gets tense as you and Bucky come to terms with the big changes. (Mob!bucky barnes)

Cuddles ♡✦

→ Bucky comforts you when you have bad period cramps. (tfatws!bucky barnes)

Beauty and the Bucky ♡✦❀ (Beauty and the Beast!Au)

→ In search of your missing Father, you discover a castle far into the untouched forest. After knocking and no answer, you find the doors unlocked and venture inside. But beware— it might not be your Father you find inside. (Beast!bucky barnes x beauty!reader)

Series

🔥 Stray (masterlist)

→ Just hours after the events in DC, you find The Winter Soldier unconscious, leaning against a gravestone in a cemetery near your home. Being sheltered you don't recognize who he is, and you care for him. (The Winter Soldier/Bucky Barnes)

🔥 You're Mine, Sunshine (masterlist)

→ Bucky gets picked by a very rich and respected man to be his daughter’s personal bodyguard. The Father warns him that it won’t be an easy job, that she is a brat and difficult to deal with. But what happens when Bucky meets you and you’re the complete opposite? (Grumpy!Bodyguard!Bucky Barnes x Sunshine!Reader)

All I Know (masterlist)

→ Takes place right after the end of Captain America: The Winter Soldier, Bucky hides out in Bucharest. Without being controlled by HYDRA, he starts to receive flickers of memories. Who is this girl he keeps remembering? (cw!Bucky Barnes x OC!Fem!Reader)

The Girl and Her Golden Boys (masterlist)

→ A story of your life with your two best friends. Life was never simple for the three of you, and you didn’t care where you’d end up as long as it was together. How long can you all stay together until life will force you all apart? Will the strength of your bond be enough? (40's!Bucky Barnes/40's!Steve Rogers)

Love Me to Death (masterlist)

→ The avengers compound receives a new recruit. She’s a siren who can make anyone fall deathly in love with her with one word. Bucky immediately takes interest in her as he discovers she’s mute, for good reason of course. (Avengers!Bucky Barnes)

[lovebvni]

Winter Themed Pick-A-Pile !! (from 12.21.21)

❍⌇─➭ welcome to ﹀﹀     ︵↷

⌗my blog : ๑ ˚ ͙۪۪̥◌ ⌨꒱

Here are the questions we'll be answering today! Summited by the LOVELY Rozy !!

1. What do I need to do to fully shift?

2. Shifting advice from your spirit guides.

3. Shifting journey for this month.

4. Advice from your s/o.

There will be 4 piles today, all unique, but you can always pick more than one!! But remember, everything comes with a grain of salt because this is an amino with over a THOUSAND people in it. It wont be specific just to you ! Also, if you're unsure, just do this for me.

Take a deep breath in....

Hold for 3

Now let it out and allow your intuition to speak.

The first number 1-4 that comes to mind, THAT'S going to be your pile. If more than one comes, trust it.

[1, 2

3,4]

Pile 1 - With your perfect toes TRIGGER WARNING : DERALISATION IN THE 3RD QUESTION, ALSO DEPRESSION AND MENTIONS OF TRAUMA/SH

Spirit, What does Pile 1 need to fully shift? Like a final push?

The Hierophant (R), The Devil (R) The Chariot

I feel like you guys need to let go of traditions, or routines! You don't need ANYTHING other than yourself to shift, you're powerful! Your doubts, I feel like you're silently telling yourself you'll never shift, You will ! I promise, so STOP telling yourself you're weak, worthless, etc. Then you're gonna STRIVE!

Shifting advice, from your spirit guides !

King of Swords, 2 of Pentacles (R), 10 of Swords (R)

Okay wait, let me say something, I think you're shifting before january 1st... I got 10 of swords and thats like the end of waiting for something. Realize your power, and the good things will run to YOU !! Write a letter to SOMEONE, ANYONE in your dr ! I feel like they'll be really happy about it ! I see an abundance of good luck and success for you guys, just the weight of the world being lifted off you, just so much peace, happiness, love, abundance, GOD I love you guys sm, keep working for you goal ! Just - GOD I LOVE THIS I CANT IM GOING TO CRY!! I FELT MY HEART JUST FLOAT ITS - GODDAMIT I CANT WORDS !

Your shifting journey this month

Page of Pentacles (R), King of Swords, 3 of Swords + Ace of Pentacles

I don't think you guys have that great attraction to this reality... I feel as if you're going to suffer this WHOLE month because of one bad thing that happened, you heart is in pain, you want to end it all, DONT! I see a new beginning for you this month, so PLEASE! Don't stop trying, everything seems like its falling apart, it's not I swear!

General Advice from your s/o

10 of Pentacles(R), The Devil, The Chariot

OKAY WAIT THESE ARE THE SAME CARDS FROM QUESTION ONE??? THE DEVIL AND THE CHARIOT - BUT THIS TIME THE DEVIL IS UPRIGHT...

But they saying stop obsessing over someone/something, like material possessions? but probably not, that only applies to some of you. There's stuff going on around you, and I can tell, that's black energy, let go of it, cleanse it, FUCKING BLOCK IT OUT! That will help you move forward a LOT !!!

I hope this pile made you realize something !! also check this out below !!

IMPORTANT THINGS ABOUT THIS PILE (personality traits, things i kept hearing, important things/people, angel numbers): distractions, shifting for your s/o, love, lack of self-love, misunderstood, determined, "it's set in stone", "It's stuck in my chest", messages, lots of signs, heartbreak, blood,  the colour red, Himiko Toga, Hisoka (bestie idk), derealization, spacing out, ADHD, ADD, attention disorders, stop - no go, WAIT STOP (almost like things you're being told are contradicting), material girl, Air signs, Capricorns, Cancer, Fire signs, 555, 111, 1111

Pile 2 - the deer is gonna start chasing you soon, NOW RUN !!!

Spirit, What does Pile 2 need to fully shift? Like a final push?

The Empress, 8 of Wands, 8 of cups

Realize. I could stop right there, but you just need to REALIZE everything. You are SO LOVED !! You have so many good things coming to you. A union is coming, I can tell your shifting for someone, probably friends and just to have fun.Walk away from ALL the doesn't serve you, things that aren't helping, worthless things.

Spirit, can Pile 2 have some shifting advice?

Ace of Cups, The Lovers, 10 of Wands

Okay, there is a new beginning coming, but you need to realize you need to SPEND TIME with your partner, weather in your cr or dr, I feel like they miss you and feel lieft out rom your life.

Can I know something about Pile 2's shifting journey this month?

6 of Wands, The Empress, 2 of Swords(R)

You're going to win SOME kind of fight !! I feel like you guys are going to get your first shift or a BIG boost of motivation to shift. But you guys are SO FUCKING WORRED ABT IT ! choose where and when you wanted to shift, stop making changes to your script.

Does Pile 2's s/o have any general advice?

The Devil (R), Ace of Cups, 5 of Cups

You're being freed soon! You cup isn't going to be half full or half empty, ITS GOING TO BE OVERFLOWING!! You're going to let go of SOMETHING or SOMEONE and that's going to make such a difference. They love you btw! < 333 Positive energy is coming !

IMPORTANT THINGS ABOUT THIS PILE (personality traits, things i kept hearing, important things/people, angel numbers):  Hunchback, sitting weird, overthinker, Panic attacks, Panic Room - Au/Ra, intuition driven, physic, Cancer, Water signs, 888

OMG PILE 3 IS GETTING MARRIED !!! ROUND OF APPLAUSE !!!

What does pile 3 need to shift? Do they even need to do something?

Ace of Swords (R), Queen of Swords, 2 of Cups

Okay, you guys need to get out your little shitty bubbly and TALK TO PEOPLE !! This will help a lot, I feel like talking to shifters will help, like-minded people are ALWAYS the best to speak to. I know, you're independent, but you can't do everything alone.

We need shifting advice for pile 3, I've been doing this for 4 hours PLEASE -

Knight of Cups, Wheel of Fortune, Judgement (R)

Your prince is coming~ they could also be a princess. Come True - khai dreams, Forest came on so uh.... listen to that  But realize good things are coming to you ! Focus on the best version of yourself, you're a ruler ! You are NOT what anyone negatively says to you, you're amazing.

Pile 3's shifting journey this month?

Page of Swords, Strength, Judgement (R)

If you have the strength, determination, and reality to shift this month, you will.

General advice from Pile 3's s/o's

5 of Pentacles, 8 of Cups, The Emperor

I dropped all my cards during this omg... but major Bakugou vibes. You're going to get everything you've ever wanted and more IF you just TALK, SPREAD UR WISDOM !!! Just make a blog on something, you prob have drafts you should inish it and post it

IMPORTANT THINGS ABOUT THIS PILE (personality traits, things i kept hearing, important things/people, angel numbers): Air signs, independence, introvert, 1010, Denki Kaminari, Hunter x Hunter(listen to the intro song rn), Clumsy

Pile 4, FINALLY, bestie i've been at this for 5 hours

What does Pile 4 need to fully shift?

10 of Cups, Ace of Cups, The Chariot

Go check out Pile 1 after this, but I feel like you guys need to ground yourself. You want to go to one reality, then the next, then the next, in like a dAY this will lead you to move forward with a new beginning.

Shifting advice from your Spirit Guides.

The Hierophant, Page of Wands, The Devil

When you try to shift, look at it like you WILL shift, like you ARE shifting, you ARE in your dr, like you HAVE succeeded !! Any time you get bad news, just be happy, be accepting of it !!

Shifting journey for this month.

9 of Wands, Queen of Cups (R), 7 of Swords (R)

Okay, sadly, you are not shifting this month because of how much you have to changeee, literally I- if you dooooo its because you make a dramatic change quickly. I'd be REALLY suprized if you do shift because you are STUBBORN ASF !!! You're ignoring signs and warnings, stop. Stop.

Advice from you s/o

6 of Wands, Knight of Wands, The Lovers

Socialize, try to get in a better position by talking to others. I feel like you're taking a trip/going on a journey so enjoy it !!! You're going to meet new peopleand you'll be excited, and hell maybe even meet a cr s/o.

IMPORTANT THINGS ABOUT THIS PILE (personality traits, things i kept hearing, important things/people, angel numbers): Disappointed, sad, sorry, Fire Signs, stubborn asses, Katsuki Bakugou

Okay guys! I hope you enjoyed the pick-a-pile!! I do private readings if you need anything ! I hope this resonated !! Again sorry pile 4 for being a bit bitchy but Spirit said what Spirit said, and sorry for everyone going through anything, it will get better soon !!!/gen

[iluvzaddies]

run rabbit run (1)

pairing: yandere!childe x reader

warnings: unhealthy behavior/relationship, violence, nsfw

inspired by: episode 8 of the hbo series “the last of us”

summary: you are out of food as well as medical supplies, so in order to save your father, you take matters into your own hands. you unexpectedly run into a young master in the forest, who is after the same rabbit as you. since he is persistent on getting the rabbit, you make a bargain with him. he develops a liking to you and decides you are his new personal little rabbit.

you breathed in the cold air of snezhnaya, the land of eternal winter ruled by the tsaritsa.

snow crunched under your boots as you roamed around the forest, looking for something to hunt.

you had nothing but a thin coat on, a pair of worn out winter boots, and a rifle slung over your shoulder like a bag. you were freezing, but you were more concerned for your father’s life than your comfort in the weather.

you see, your father had gotten injured on his way home. he fell off his horse and fell on something sharp, which caused him to have a huge gash across his stomach. you found him unconscious nearby and dragged him inside your home. you laid him on the couch by the fireplace, wrapped a piece of cloth around the area of the gash to stop the bleeding and put a blanket on top of him.

the cupboards were completely empty. no food or medical supplies in sight. his horse had ran off and you had no other transportation. there was no way you were able to walk all the way to the marketplace in the current weather, so you had no choice but to hunt for some food and find some herbs since you had no medicine as well.

“come on, come on.” you gritted your teeth in frustration, clasping your hands together and warming them up with your hot breath. “are there no animals around here?”

right on cue, a rabbit hopped out of a bush. the rabbit was beautiful. its fur was as white as the snow and its eyes were as red as gemstones.

too bad you had to kill it.

you slowly approached it, grabbing your rifle and pointing at it. as you were about to pull the trigger, you accidentally stepped on a twig. the rabbit jolted in alert at the sound and frantically hopped away.

“shit.” you cursed and ran after it.

you tried to shoot it while running after it, but an arrow came out of nowhere and pierced through its tiny body, making you stop in your tracks.

what the hell.

“excellent marksmanship, master.” you heard a gruffy voice.

“that was too easy.” followed by a cocky voice.

the man with the gruffy voice and the man with the cocky voice surrounded the rabbit. they looked like they came from a powerful house, especially the one with the ginger hair. compared to your winter outfit, they had thicker and expensive-looking coats, so no doubt they came from a powerful house.

the rich. you hated the rich.

“hey!” you shouted as you aimed your rifle at the both of them. “drop your weapons or anything you have on you, now!”

they turned their heads to find a young lady with a big, heavy rifle, cautiously approaching them.

they looked at each other in confusion.

“move a muscle and i’ll put a bullet right between your eyes.”

“excuse me, what are you doing out here? this is our territory.” the butler coughed.

“this is an open space. a forest, for christ’s sake. this isn’t your territory and neither is it mine.” you spoke strongly. “but that is my rabbit.”

the young master, instead of scoffing in disbelief at your behavior towards him, smiled. his life was boring despite being loaded, but today might be different. you had peaked his interest. he felt a sense of excitement and arousal.

“oh, is that so? is that your arrow then?” he pointed at the arrow— his arrow— which was poking out of the rabbit’s corpse.

“i told you not to move a muscle!” you aimed your rifle directly at him.

he put his hands up in surrender position, a smile still plastered on his face.

“or i swear i’ll–“

“put a bullet right between my eyes. i know.”

“if you dare do that, you will be severely punished.” the butler butted in, but shut his mouth when you glared at him and told him to “shut the fuck up.”

the young master laughed.

“you, why do you even need this? can’t you afford to eat something?” you asked.

“i don’t plan on eating this, i’m not fond of rabbit stew. my mother though, she loves lapin coats or rabbit fur coats in other words, which originated in fontaine. says it’s really soft and warm. you bear hatred towards people like me and i don’t blame you, but would you at least give this one to lil ole me? for my mother?”

“i don’t give a damn–“ wait, you could make a bargain with him. you would rather die than associate yourself with the rich, but your father’s life was on the line here, so it was either your dignity or him, and you chose him. “let’s say i accept, what would you give me in return?”

“well, what do you want?” he asked.

“medical supplies.” you answered quickly.

“that’s it?”

“and food supplies; meat, veggies, just anything nutritious.”

“alright then, my home is not too far from here…”

“no, one of you is staying here with me and one of you is going to get me what i want.”

“sheesh, alright. can’t even be hospitable with you.” he turned to his butler. “bring back a first aid kit, two bottles of penicillin, a syringe and food you can grab your hands on.”

his butler nodded, but was hesitating to leave.

“it’s not code. just do as i say.” he leaned into his ear. “why are you hesitating? do you really think a mere girl could stand a chance against me?”

“very well, master.” he sighed. he grabbed the dead rabbit and made his way back to their residence, leaving you and the young master (whose name you had yet to know) alone.

“you can lower the gun now. i don’t mean any harm.” he noticed your tense form and tried to reassure you, but you were too hardheaded.

“where’s your bow?”

“don’t know.” he shrugged.

what did he mean by that? was he messing with you? your gaze shifted onto his waistline and you saw a vision attached to his belt. a hydro vision, to be exact.

realization hit you. fuck, he was a vision user. you were lucky he didn’t have anger issues. otherwise, you would have been dead before you could even treat your father.

“where are you looking, hm?” he asked teasingly.

“nowhere.” you looked away.

he chuckled. he found you peculiar, but intriguing. you were like no other woman he had ever encountered in his life. you didn’t know who he was and how much power he held. he could snap your rifle like a twig if he wanted to. no normal civilian in their right minds would ever think to threaten him or even approach him.

“so, what’s your name?”

“nunya.”

“what–“

“nunya business.”

“pfft. come on, i’ll tell you mine. my name is childe or tartaglia, whichever you prefer.”

“uh huh, what about i call you dickface? that suits you better.” you remarked. “master dickface.”

again, he wasn’t the least bit offended. he was amused. strangely amused.

what kind of man did you run into?

(part 2)

[ceasarslegion]

The DNI that made you do math to use it?? 👀👀👀

Youre the first one who asked, so you get the answer.

This person was one of the other two weirdos from the Half Life RP discord server i teased at in this post earlier this week:

Once again, i want to disclaimer that this is not a callout post, I will not be giving any details that could be used to identify this person, and I will not be posting screenshots this time because they are still active on tumblr afaik. I dont want this to be used to bully anybody, this is just meant to be my personal experience with my specific side of this story. You can DM me directly or throw in a private answer request in an ask if you want screenshots, but only people i already know and trust not to cyberbully them will get a direct link to the DNI. The person in the story I linked is no longer active anywhere online, which is why I provided screenshots in that story.

And before i lay out the DNI details, I just want to say... there is a FINE LINE between requesting accommodations for a mental illness and infantilizing yourself. I can handle the former just fine, I will do all I can to help, but if you're a grown-ass adult babying yourself and then going "waa im autistic i cant do anything" i have ZERO tolerance for that. Buddy, I'm autistic, and I'm telling you to grow the fuck up.

Yeah, this person was one of those. They were over 18, and had public breakdowns about how everything was just soooo hard for them and everybody else was being problematic and ableist for *checks notes* asking them to wait in a line that was a little long for a new phone plan. Real example, they were screaming and crying in the vent channel because the line at a verizon store was a little long, and implying their father was ableist for asking them to wait for 20 minutes. Buddy, there are some things you JUST need to deal with in the real world regardless of whatever mental soup you have going on. If your autism is that bad, the solution is looking into things like noise canceling headphones, sunglasses, etc. But the world will not stop having lines that you just need to wait in sometimes because you dont like them.

I know that sounds harsh, but they werent exactly the type of person im willing to give the benefit of the doubt to. The majority of their problems were entirely their own fault, and they were clearly enabling and feeding the harder parts of their autism rather than doing anything in the way of learning to cope with it. I am terrified of spiders, like full on panic-inducing terrified of them, but I throw hands at them instead of running or freezing up. One time, I posted a photo of this gigantic-ass spider that was in my dorm room after I screamed and squashed it with my heavy duty winter outdoor patrol boots (im a security guard, not a cop, before anyone draws the wrong conclusion from that), and they proceeded to vague about me IN THE SAME SERVER about how problematic and insensitive i am for triggering their arachnophobia. My brother in christ when did you ever say you were triggered by spiders? Do you expect me to read your fucking mind?

Another instance was when they asked for the role to access the nsfw channel. They were over 18, so it was granted. They then got mad at us whenever we got horny on main in the sex channel because they were only there for the dirty jokes (that were posted in the main server anyway because none of us consider JOKES to be inappropriate). They literally asked for the sex channel role and then claimed we were being problematic because we talked about sex in the sex channel when they were uncomfortable with sex. And they had borderline puritan attitudes around sex. They acted like sex was icky and gross and should never be discussed around them lest it corrupt their pure innocent soul. Yeah thats your own fault chief, grow the fuck up.

Some lightning round stories: they broke up with their boyfriend purely because he liked "irredeemable media" and when said boyfriend said they were being a total dick for that, they proceeded to whine and cry that he was actually being abusive and terrible for being upset that he was dumped over the fucking movies he liked of all things. They once sat outside their little siblings recital and complained that their parents were problematic for not charging their switch enough because it died at the same recital they couldnt be assed to sit in for because "waaaa its too boring and thats bad for my autism." Didnt even TRY, just sat outside the door playing switch and then complained that their parents didnt charge their switch enough. Can you not plug something into a wall your damn self.

Needless to say, i didnt like them very much. I can handle legitimate accommodations, but they were just so self-infantilising that they gave the rest of us a bad name. Your autism is not an excuse to act like a fucking baby. You are not made of porcelain, you will not shatter at the slightest touch, being uncomfortable is a part of life youre going to have to deal with. Its not your autism at this point, youre a grown-ass adult who throws a tantrum when the line is a little long. GROW. UP.

Now that that rants over, lets get into what the DNI on their blog was like, because this behavior from them that I just outlined really contextualizes it.

Their DNI had two tiers. The first was "red flags," which meant that if you met any one of them you apparently werent allowed to interact. Of this included your typical nazis, pedophiles, terfs, and... beastars fans. No word of a lie. Being a fan of beastars was apparently just as bad as being a nazi. What did my boy legosi do to you? (Side note: i am forever enamored with how these people seem to think that theres people out there who both self-identify as nazis and would respect a DNI. I didnt even respect that DNI. I didnt interact with them because i thought they were a terrible person, but i did not take that DNI seriously. I was openly posting about beastars in the same server LMAO) and it wasn't just beastars, there was a ton of media that i didnt even know had discourse around them that they listed as red flags if you ever touched. Amazing.

The second tier was "yellow flags" which meant that you werent allowed to interact if you met any 3 or more of them. Here was mostly media, including homestuck fans, neil gaiman fans (WHAT DID NEIL DO TO YOU), and harry potter iirc. (WHY DID YOU SINGLE OUT BEASTARS?? WHAT DID MY BOY LEGOSI DO TO YOU) my favourite part of this though, was that republicans were listed under yellow flags. Apparently its worse to be a beastars fan than a republican. We arent gonna fucking make it

[gok1bvri72]

I adore Len and Rin! I have been trying my hand in x readers lately by making a load of Lyney x Reader so why not make some nostalgic (for me at least) Len x Reader🤔? As cringe as it may sound I've been reading all the fics left over by the fandom of old since I was 10 I'm so obsessed with Len>< So I pretty much have a headcanon for everything under the sun about him! So this mini thing will be a breeze:>

Len is a very cautious lover.

Used to all the memes and hate he used to regularly get back when the Vocaloid fandom was rampant; he is very hesitant with just about everything he does lest it become yet another meme and another reason to make fun of him.

As you can guess this leads to major anxiety and constantly feeling like he has done something wrong.

Please don't let him feel this way.

This being said, he is great at recognizing panic/anxiety attacks long before they happen.

He has a tendency to memorize what triggers them and avoids those places/topics entirely.

It's almost like he was built to be some form of anxiety relief android. Maybe he has some beta coding for future therapy androids?

Either way despite his physical age and mindset his is incredibly observant and can read a person pretty well.

He has a tendency to make assumptions though.

Brush his hair and don't tell him he needs to whack his ponytail off.

He'll love you.

Maybe he will let you braid it if you ask nicely.

He owns a saluki named Happy. No questions asked.

No he does not co-own her with Rin. Happy is *his* dog and neither him or the dog will accept otherwise.

If his dog approves of you 9 times outta 10 he will too.

He also likes cats, he and Rin are just allergic.

If you're someone like me and covered in cat hair 24/7, he will sneeze around you all the time.

It's cute though.

Len sneezes are adorable.

He is bad at english/kanji class please help him.

That being said he is a math wizard.

If you're like me and suck at math he can help you don't need to worry.

He would probably just do your homework for you if you ask.

Which is why you shouldn't.

Len has a problem with doing things for others so he'll do just about anything (within reason) for you if he loves you enough.

We already know he would die for his sister if I had to guess he would die for you too if you won him over.

He will take his hoodie off for you and let you wear it. He never takes his hoodies off.

Please please protect him.

Him is verr ee wholesome.

Len has some serious self doubt issues (as I mentioned earlier) so remind him that he *is* talented and that his sister isn't any better than he is.

I mentioned earlier he is good at recognising the signs of a panic attack and I think he is just as prepared to handle them as he is good at sensing them.

If you need words of comfort he can provide you with those but if you just want him to hold you while you cry he can do that too.

He actually prefers the latter because he is afraid he may say something wrong.

He has attachment issues and separation anxiety.

To certain extent he has separation anxiety with his sister and dog but it's not as bad as it is with you.

He gets so nervous and scared. He doesn't like being without you.

He is also super attached to you because you aren't mean to him.

That's probably one of the big reasons he loves you so much; you treat him like a person.

Len gets angry when people say he is a little gay twink.

He likes girls too!

He thinks no matter what's in your pants if your beautiful and kind you are beautiful and kind>:[

Please play minecraft and animal crossing with him♡♡♡

He is often littered with band-aids for no reason. He thinks they look cool lol.

Big cuddler!

Winter and autumn are his favourite seasons because he can cuddle with you in bed and wear layers:)

He has *so* many blankets and he shares all of them with you!

Doesn't mind if you fart in the bed. Doesn't run away squealing in disgust like his sister. Literally could not care less it's no different from a sneeze to him. True manliness right there.

Apple cider is his favourite!

He loves the smell so much his room has diffusers everywhere in it and they all have the scent:)

He also has his windows open a lot of the time!

So it smells like that windy-open-window-bedroom *and* apple cider!

If you open his door without expecting it, it's like being hit in the face with essence of bard. (If you get it you get it.)

Hates anything to do with zombies. They trigger panic attacks in him because he knows he would survive because he is an android but he wouldn't know how to keep you and your loved ones safe.

Not knowing what to do in certain situations enduces anixety and panic attacks in him whether it be an on the spot question from a teacher or just thinking about a situation like such his room.

He cries a lot.

I mean he is adorable and it's impossible to not find him cute when he does cry but he has one of those crying faces that makes you just feel so much guilt and a need to protect him.

Smooch his cheeks when he cries, if you do it enough he cries a little less.

Don't make him bottle up his emotions though, but also help him to stop crying because it's not very good for his eye cameras.

His eyes can glow in the dark by the way.

Every android's can.

But his are so pretty! When they glow they are a bright, electric blue that fades into a slightly deeper shade and they are *so*, SO sparkly!!

Make sure to tell him his sparkle eyes are beautiful✨✨

He has a lot of plushies.

He likes Journey to the West and is a Sun Wukong enthusiast!

He really likes Dragon Ball so he wanted to know about the design origins of Goku and you get the picture.

He doesn't quite understand all the symbolism in JTTW but he still enjoys it regardless because MONKEY KING SMASH!!!

Has a lanyard that he really likes and doesn't take off often.

He has a Vocaloid tomogatchi and the little character in it is the same Rin he has had since he first got it back when they were released.

He can't let his sister die on him!

His sister has one with him in it that she takes just as good care of♡

They may argue all the time but they really do love eachother!

Len and Rin are you best friends and Len is the best, most accommodating boyfriend you could ever ask for so please treasure him and his sister you lucky you!

Handle with care U^U

[onceuponastory]

speak now - bucky barnes x reader

Plot: Bucky (and Sam) go back to the same bar he met Y/N in. Hopefully, this time Bucky can actually work up the courage to speak to her. Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Female!Reader (again, very slight) Warnings: A few mentions of Bucky’s past as the Winter Soldier (but nothing too graphic), alcohol, and the anxiety and negative feelings/self doubt about himself he has afterwards. As always, if I miss any triggers please let me know! Notes: This is a part two to my Bucky fic The Story of You, which you can read here. This is more of a small filler kind of part, but I hope you like it all the same. Thank you to @thesundrop / @astartothemoon for my divider! Not beta’d, so any mistakes are my own.

“Fancy getting a drink somewhere?” Sam asks, and Bucky nods. Sam’s visiting from Louisiana for a few days, and despite their teasing of one other, Bucky’s glad to have a familiar face around to talk to. Especially now, when he’s still so lonely. “Okay, but I get to pick the bar.”

“Sure, whatever.” Bucky shrugs. As he and Sam walk through the streets of New York, Bucky sighs, wrapping his jacket around him and hoping the leather protects him from the cold. Of course, it does little to help, but it was worth a try, anyway. If Bucky was different, wasn’t so fucked up, he could almost find it funny. A Winter Soldier who hates the cold. But then again, after the hell he’s been through…maybe he should try to find the happiness in the little things. And besides, it wouldn’t hurt anymore than what he’s used to, right?

“Oh! This place looks good.” Sam announces, cutting through Bucky’s thoughts. Bucky murmurs something in agreement, until he realises where he’s currently standing. His eyes widen, and he mutters an:

“Oh, fuck.” 

He’s standing outside Y/N’s bar.

The bar he practically ran out of almost a week ago, and hasn’t been back since, finding it too awkward to even think about going back after what happened. “You know, there’s other-”

“Ah, ah!” Sam shakes his head. “Guest’s choice. And I choose here. Come on.” He beckons for Bucky to follow, opening the door and stepping inside. Before following him, Bucky groans, hoping the ground will open up and swallow him whole. Of course, seeing Y/N again wouldn’t be a bad thing. Quite the opposite, actually. The issue is that Bucky has no idea what the hell he’s going to say to her when he sees her again. What if she asks why he ran? What if she’s pissed at him? He would be in her case, but still. Y/N’s a sweet girl. She doesn’t deserve to be hurt anymore by him. Hopefully she’s off tonight or something. Or at least, hopefully he can be subtle about it. 

But then, he notices Y/N standing by the bar, laughing at something a customer is saying. And something in Bucky’s stomach flutters. At the sound of the door, she turns around, spotting Bucky almost immediately. As soon as she does, her eyes light up, and the thing in Bucky’s chest flutters once more. God, he’s got it bad.

“Bucky! Nice to see you’re back. And you brought a friend!” Y/N calls. Bucky blushes. Well, so much for being subtle. 

“Hey Y/N. This is Sam.” 

“Nice to meet you, Sam!” Y/N smiles, holding her hand out for Sam to shake. “Any friend of Bucky’s is a friend of mine.”

“Yeah, likewise.” Sam nods, eyeing Bucky out of the corner of his eye, giving him a look that tells Bucky he wants to know every detail immediately. Bucky gulps. He’s in for a long night.

“Anyway, what can I get you two?” 

“Bucky, you’re staring at her again.”

“No, I’m not.” Sam raises a brow, murmurs something like “Yeah, right.” And goes back to his drink. Bucky takes another drink of his beer, letting the bitter tasting liquid flow throughout his body as he braces himself for the question he knows Sam is just dying to ask.

“So. You two have met before, huh? What happened, if you don’t mind me asking?” Honestly, Bucky does mind a little. Especially since it means he’ll have to explain himself and his anxieties again, something he hates doing. After being alone for so long and unable to trust anyone, not even his own mind, Bucky has learned he’s better off not opening up to anyone. Like he said, he’s better off alone. Deep down, though, he knows that Sam’s just trying to help. Not just as a therapist, but as a friend. And maybe that’s what he needs right now.

“We met a week ago, when I came in for a drink. We got on pretty well, actually.” Sam smiles, and Bucky sighs, knowing that what he’s about to say will only cause Sam’s smile to drop. “But um…I left, and kind of ran away.”

“You RAN?” Sam gasps, his eyes widening in disbelief. His expression does little to improve Bucky’s mood, or ease his guilt. 

“Yes. I did.” Bucky sighs, his gaze flickering down to his hands. Even though he’s around Sam, his only close friend since Steve left…Bucky’s hands are still gloved. Even surrounded by friends and after being deprogrammed, Bucky still doesn’t trust himself or his arm. And besides, that’s why he left. Because he doesn’t want to hurt Y/N the same way he hurts everyone else.

“Why?”

“Well, we started talking about ourselves and our lives, and I think I went too far, so….” Bucky doesn’t even need to finish his sentence before Sam nods.

“I see.” He sighs. But it’s not a disappointed sigh. In fact, it’s one that tells Bucky that Sam understands how he feels, and how much he wants to help. “Bucky, how does Y/N make you feel?”

“Well, obviously, she’s really pretty. But it’s not just that. She makes me feel so great, Sam. When we hung out, we laughed a lot, and it was really nice, despite my mind constantly telling me how I didn’t deserve it. Having someone treat me with kindness after everything that happened…” He trails off, a huge smile on his face. Sam grins. 

“There it is. Bucky, you don’t have to keep torturing yourself anymore. It’s okay to want to make friends and even find love again.” Bucky raises a brow, and Sam chuckles. “Dude, don’t look at me like that. You’re so obviously head over heels for her.” Blushing, Bucky glances over to the bar again, watching as Y/N busies herself preparing drinks. “That smile tells me everything I need to know. Hold on to that feeling. Go talk to her.” 

“I can’t. I don’t want to hurt her, or for her to be freaked out by my…my everything.” 

“You don’t have to ask her out on a date or anything, maybe just apologise for what happened and ask if she wants to grab a drink sometime. Make amends with her just like with everyone else. Start small. You can do that.” Gulping, Bucky stands up, taking a breath as he tries to hype himself up to be able to speak to Y/N. “Good luck!” Sam calls. When Bucky reaches the bar, his mind feels like it’s going haywire. Perhaps he should just run now, while he still can. Y/N turns around, smiling the second she sees him. There’s the fluttering again.

“Hey! What’s up?”

“I…” Bucky begins, unsure of what to even say. How the hell is he going to explain this? Why he ran? His past? “Come on. Just say it. Ask her out for a casual drink. That’s small, that’s easy.”

“Cat got your tongue?” Y/N giggles, and Bucky lets out an awkward chuckle.

 “I…I would like two more beers, please.”

For the rest of the night, Bucky still tries to speak to Y/N without stammering like an idiot. And every time, he can’t do it, retreating to the table for another pep talk from Sam, only for the cycle to repeat.

“Okay, it’s getting late, so we better get back. And that means it’s your last chance, Buck.” Sam points out as they gather the empty bottles and glasses to take back to the bar.

“I know.” 

“Look, I don’t mean to push you if you’re not ready, it’s just the way you look at her all the time, and the way you smile…there’s something special there Bucky, and after everything you’ve been through, it’s nice to see you so happy.”

“Aw, so you do care.” Bucky teases. 

“Don’t push it.” Yet, Sam’s words make him smile. Maybe he’s right. Maybe he does deserve some happiness after everything. If only he could find the confidence to actually say more than a few sentences to her.

“Leaving so soon, you two?” Y/N asks. For a moment, Bucky swears there’s a twinge of disappointment in her voice. However, it’s gone as soon as he notices it. 

“Yeah, early start for us two tomorrow.” Sam answers.

“Well, it was great to meet you, Sam, and to see you again, Bucky. Don’t be a stranger, alright?” 

“I’m sorry.” The words leave Bucky’s mouth before he even thinks about it. His sudden admission even surprises him a little. Maybe after so long being too scared to actually speak to Y/N again, his mind and heart are taking the first step for him. Y/N and Sam frown, and Bucky continues. “For running away last time I was here, and for prodding too far.”

“Bucky, it’s alright.”

“No, no, it wasn’t. I was going through a lot, and if I made you feel like you had done something wrong, then I’m sorry for that too.”

“Bucky, honestly, it’s okay. I’m not mad or anything.”

“I’d like to start again, if that’s okay. Maybe we could go for a drink sometime?” And then, Y/N’s frown turns into a smile.

“Yeah…yeah, that’ll be great. I’d love to.” Bucky breathes a sigh of relief, grinning. That wasn’t so hard. Maybe things between them both will be okay after all.

“About damn time!”

Please follow @onceuponastory-library​ and turn on notifications to be notified when I next post!

[theunusuallee]

analysis anon again with more Thoughts. pb’s anger seems to be expressed through physical punishment towards mint king (ex. forced restraint) and it definitely reads to me, from whats been shown, that her actions are less calculated and more a parallel to simon. in f&c. we see that one of the symptoms of his pretty severe ptsd is sudden, quick episodes of rage (something i intensely relate to as a trauma survivor ngl), complete with consistent triggers. the ice king is the source of his trauma, and people often co pare him negatively to ice king using fionna and cake. so fionna and cake became a trigger to him, resulting in him becoming enraged with astrid (a CHILD) and causing him to basically scream in fionnas face when he first sees her. likewise, betty is another trigger to him, probably for the guilt he feels in her fate, and, importantly, when choose goose pushes his buttons to much it puts simon over the edge with his ritual and leads to him killing choose goose.

and so you can see a throughline. the winter king is the source of her trauma, and she no doubt knows him VERY well, since shes shown to have basically stalked him as candy queen. who knows how many little behaviors and quirks he has that could set her off? and while simons episodes stayed MOSTLY verbal, pb is not nearly as passive a person as simon. i have little doubt that her anger could quickly become physical. its a twisted exposure therapy that just makes both people miserable.

and i gotta say, theres something fascinating about the experience of suffering for reasons outside your knowledge. candy queen didnt know why she was suddenly so obsessed and lonely and miserable. likewise, mint king (without winter kings memories) has no clue why the person who made him suddenly becomes so upset with him, seemingly for no reason.

any au that injects trauma analysis makes me obsessed graaaaah

Reaalllly good stuff omg

My main thing with this au is as awful of a situation as it is, I don't want PB to come off in too bad of a light, God knows I don't want to go down victim blaming territory, she's just a hurt person doing a bad thing and not really thinking about the reality of her actions so to speak?

I'd imagine the au story ending on a really sorta.. neutral note? They talk and go their separate ways, not really forgiving each other fully but at the same time needing that space to recover and heal.

[ourladyofomega]

A quick signal here:

I never considered last Summer to be an all-or-nothing moment in time, but I’ll say that without a doubt, it was a pivotal one for me. It was when I started my in-home remote position. I left physical retail once and for all, and swore to myself I’d never go back. I walked away from all the customer drama, entitled attitudes, competitive interactions, and forced conversations. Cutting all of that in my life has been one of the greatest decisions I ever made, though it seems like I traded in one poison over another.

Since then, anxiety and depression hit the auto-search button for intrusive thoughts to return with a vengeance. I’ve had no answer to all the bad corrupt shit that’s happened to me, and I see no improvement around me.

One big contributor was my friend thinking it was a great idea to send me a photo (without asking) of our former alternative circle, given to him by one of those “friends” who sabotaged me and did some serious damage. I was excluded from that photo, and instantly deleted it. Too late, the trigger’s been pulled. Seeing the very people who left me behind and systematically made me a less-than while they unconditionally fully supported each other still disgusts me to this day.

Everything happens and last forever when you have anxiety. It’s always a negative no matter how small or gigantic. You’ll never forget it once it does. It’s burning-branded with almost no way of getting over the mark made. Procrastination is also another agent of invisible black anti-magic that’s holding me back. It’s made me put off of some essential things I’ve been meaning to do for a long time counting.

Contributing to my depression was the the lack of Winter snowfall, replaced with grayscale skies and rain on my days / time off. I over-sleep (10 hours) and wake up spiraled out of my mind to do anything during my off-day. I have no desire to go see shows, music-shopping, or ride out to New York City at the moment. Nothing else entices me to do so. I’m even dreading my time-off in early May because I have no reason to make plans.

I’ve been partially distant from most of my friends and mutuals to where I haven’t follow up or replied consistently. Even going as far as feeling somewhat disassociated. It’s not on them, any mutual closely following me or reading this, or anyone I messaged recently. It’s all on me. And I feel bad - not only because I’m not as responsive as I used to be, but just in general. For the former, my apologies.

**********

On another note: I know @rivetgoth, @lysistra, and @iamdangerace have tagged me to list my favorites. I’ve been meaning to do them and haven’t forgot; no worries! Though, time’s been crunchy when I’m constantly sound-editing three-hour broadcasts. Slowly but surely, I’ll get to them, and more.

[cherrysimmer1]

Chapter21

"Hey" Myrtle replied. "Yes. I'm here for the chill ocean breeze! Before it gets too chilly to even sit outside! Winter is already here so... What about you?" Before Agatha could reply, Myrtle continued, "By the way, you were heading out earlier. I saw you in the hall. I was at my door and I waved at you! I said 'Hello' but you just passed! You were walking so fast!"

"Oh," Agatha said. "Sorry Myrtle. I didn't know."

"Then I saw you at the water front from my window. I was about to join you there when I finished cooking, but when I looked again, you were gone!"

"I was around," said Agatha. "I just bought food at the spice market, do you like spicy? Mind sharing my dinner?" "Thank you but I ate already," said Myrtle. "How about some tea?" "Can't say no to that one. You make the best herbal teas."

"Sorry again if I didn't greet you back earlier," Agatha apologized. "Don't worry about it," Myrtle said with a quick hand gesture. "I knew you probably didn't see me. As worry as you were, there is not much that could catch your attention or distract you from whatever was going through your mind." "Is it that obvious that I'm worried?" "It's like written all over your face. I could sense your agitation from afar. You look so troubled right now. What's going on?"

Agatha let out a long sight before answering, "Agnes." "Agnes?" Myrtle repeated. "Is she okay?" "I hope so."

"Is there a problem?" Myrtle asked. "There will be. A problem I'm trying to prevent from happening. But how? Until I know what causes these events, what triggers these things, there's nothing I can do."

"What things?" Myrtle inquired. "For a while," said Agatha, "There has been a strange pattern of Agnes' relationships ending in similarly terrible ways. I'm sure you may have heard her rambling sometimes about dating issues."

"Yes, I've heard her a few times," Myrtle said. "She was complaining about some guy who ghosted her. I thought she was going through a difficult break-up. She needed to vent, which was understandable."

"Well," Agatha said, "It has been happening a lot and believe me, it was way worse than just a breakup. It was… something else! Her suitors left in the strangest ways possible, afraid, frightened and scared."

"What?!" Myrtle exclaimed. "It all started some times after Agnes' late husband passed away, when she decided to remarry and began to date again."

"When it first happened," said Agatha, "Agnes and I thought the guy who left her was just crazy. I told her to forget about him."

"The next date after that, we thought the new guy was crazy too. The third date, same thing happened with a third guy. However, I regarded these events as more of a coincidence than anything else, although I was starting to doubt that."

"Wait, it happened a third time?!"

"Yes. A third time, a fourth, a fifth, and so on."

"Are you serious?!"

"Yes, I am serious," Agatha replied.

"No way…" Myrtle said. "Come on, Aggy! Did you actually think that the third time, the third guy was crazy too?"

"I dismissed it as a coincidence…"

"What?"

"I shouldn't have, huh?" Agatha asked.

"No! That's far too many coincidences to be a coincidence!"

"Deep down I knew that, but denying these events was my way of keeping them under the surface, since Agnes and I had no control over what was happening and could not find any explanations. It kept happening and Agnes kept freaking out!"

"I'd freak out too!"

"It wasn't until her break-up with a seventh suitor that I realized something was very wrong. According to Agnes, the guy was so disturbed!"

"Oh my gosh…"

"Listen," Agatha said, "Agnes would never hurt anyone. I know my cousin like the palm of my hand, she's not a bad person. Whatever happened to these guys is not her doing. Let's be clear on that."

"She couldn't do anything that could cause somebody to be scared like that. She said herself she never tried to frighten anyone, and I believe her."

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[urdepressedslut]

You could never hurt me

♡ Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Fem!Reader, Platonic!Sam Wilson x Fem!Reader, Platonic!Steve Rogers x Fem!Reader

♡ Summary: Bucky realizes what he’s done to you after an episode, and starts to doubt if he deserves to be with you.

♡ Warnings: angst, fluff, mentions of choking

It was fair to say that shit had hit the fan, the sliver of calm that was held before… ripped away.

Somehow Bucky was triggered into The Winter Soldier, allowing many to see how he was in action up close. Much to Bucky's dismay, nobody trusted him even more now. Besides his close friends that is, which sadly wasn't many.

The trio, Sam, Steve and (Y/n) had tried their best to subdue the soldier, but were easily outmatched.

Sam walked away with a sore back, some bruises here and there, while Steve was able to come out of the tussle without many marks himself. (Y/n) on the other hand, had some pretty bad bruising circling her neck. She felt fine physically, having taken worse damage at some other time in her life. Though emotionally she felt torn, knowing that Bucky wasn't in control, but she knew that wouldn't stop him from punishing himself.

Able to seclude them four away from prying eyes, the trio waited for Bucky to wake. Steve and (Y/n) was hoping that it would be their Bucky that would eventually stir, and not the soldier.

"How you doing?" Steve asked her from her sitting spot, a good distance away from Bucky's hunched over form.

"Not too bad... I've had worse." She answered, wincing at the discomfort from speaking.

"Is that supposed to make me feel better?" He asked with a 'Really?' look.

"Guess not. Sorry... I just..." She paused, exhaling painfully, "He's been through so much, he can't seem to catch a break."

"I know." He said solemnly, focusing his gaze to a spot on the floor by her shoes.

"With everyone looking for him, now we got Tony added into the search squad."

"You really think he won't help us out?" Steve asked, making (Y/n) scoff from her spot on the floor.

"It feels unfair to ask him for help... Knowing what you know." She told him, giving him a disappointed look.

Steve looked into her eyes now surprised, having not known that she was aware. He opened his mouth to speak, but couldn't find an appropriate response.

"Its not fair Rogers... After everything he's done for us? It's not your choice, he deserves to know." She stated, giving Steve a look of disapproval.

"I know, okay?" Steve finally spoke, running his hand through his disheveled hair.

"Hey Cap!" Sam shouted from his spot near Bucky, grabbing both him and hers attention, halting their current conversation.

Both making their way over, she stood behind the boys, watching Bucky cautiously.

Bucky let out a groan of discomfort, trying to sit upright, noticing his metal armed pinned. He glances around taking in the weary looks on the men's faces, while he notices (Y/n) hiding.

"Steve?"

"Which Bucky am I talking to?" Steve asked, not willing to take any chances.

Bucky thought hard for a moment before speaking.

"Your mom's name was Sarah," He pauses, "You used to wear newspapers in your shoes." He lightly chuckles, causing Steve to smile in relief.

"You can't read that in a museum." Steve stated.

"Just like that we're supposed to be cool?" Sam asked him.

"Sam..." (Y/n) warned, slowly stepping out from behind Steve.

"What? A guy can't be too careful." Sam told her, receiving a glare.

"Enough Sam..." She locked eyes with Bucky, "It wasn't him."

Bucky suddenly focused his gaze on her neck, wincing at the apparent hand-shaped bruise forming.

"I did that." He stated, not needing anyone to confirm for him, he was a monster.

"Buck, it wasn't you. That doctor triggered you." She told him, trying to convince him.

"But I still did it." He retorted, watching the frown form on her face.

"No, because I know you... Bucky would never hurt me." She told him.

"Doll I..." Bucky started, but stopped himself from giving her a lousy apology.

"Can you guys release his arm and give us a minute?" She asked the two.

"(Y/n) I don't think tha—"

"Please." She begged, keeping her eyes locked with Bucky's shame filled orbs.

The two nodded in agreement, releasing his arm and giving them privacy.

"Your heads bleeding, let me see." She told him.

Bucky knew he didn't deserve her kindness, but he couldn't find it in him to push her away, he craved her touch.

"Really, I'm okay." He tried to convince her, even though he was far from it.

"You've never been able to lie to me... So don't try it now." She spoke, her voice shaking just barely.

"Doll, I'm so sorry I..." He choked up, "I never wanted this to happen, my worst nightmare has come true."

Her hands held the sides of his face, smearing away the escaping tear. Rubbing her thumbs up and down, she watched the quiver in his lip slow.

"The only way you could ever hurt me, is if you left me." She cooed, feeling both his arms wrap around her sides, pulling her slightly closer in need of comfort.

"I'm supposed to protect you. I can't protect you from myself. We can't... You shouldn't be with me." His voice went to a whisper by the end, the words feeling bitter rolling off is tongue.

"I'm sorry Buck, but you're not allowed to make that decision for me. I'm always gonna stay." She spoke strongly, no more shakiness in her voice.

He went to respond, but choked on a sob. He truly didn't deserve her, and he still couldn't comprehend that after everything, she still wanted him. Leaning forward he snuggled his face in the crook of her neck. Taking in her comforting scent, he was home.

"I love you baby... I love you so much." She promised, hearing his sobs die down, his breathing slowing.

Lifting his face so that his was inches from hers, he gazed into her eyes adoringly. His eyes danced down to her lips, then met her orbs again.

"I love you (Y/n)... I don't deserve you." He whispered.

He closed the space between them, capturing her lips in a devoted kiss. He let his metal arm pull her onto his lap, letting his flesh fingers tangle themselves into her hair. They could taste their shared breath, feeling the light thump of their heartbeats against each others lips.

Pulling away from him for air, she held his face in front of hers, letting their foreheads connect. Bucky closed his eyes in content, letting their breaths warm each other.

"You deserve everything." She whispered.

A/N: im so protective of bucky, he deserves to be happy 🥺 pls feel free to send in requests 🤍

[ed-recovery-affirmations]

Hey, so I have a situation going on (TW for extensive discussion of ED):

So I'm in recovery but sometimes I still relapse, especially during the fall and winter months, idk why but those are just the worst for me in terms of ED. My roommate and acquaintance knows that I've been battling ED for most of my life and before I moved in with her and other flatmates, I told everyone that I am in recovery and that I need them not to comment on my food (be it choices that seem disordered but are actually improvements to my previous situation, or idk my portion sizes for example).

Despite that, this roommate, who is currently going through an eating disorder and is in therapy for it, keeps commenting on my food. She keeps judging how much I eat, keeps asking me questions about why I eat what I eat (eg. Sometimes there are days when I just won't eat something I haven't made. I just can't. And she'll just keep asking why. It's not malicious but she doesn't take the hint when I say "well you know...due to the problems" and essentially forces me to just outright say that I can't eat it because I don't have control over it and the ingredients, which is both a frankly embarrassing thing to say and most of the time she doesn't really get it either), and sometimes says things like "Idk how you eat like that and aren't fat lol" (which usually occurs when I have like...a slice of bread with jam or something, which is, mind you, also usually my only food of the day because I am too busy for my own good, and because my meds cause me not to have an appetite).

Worse than that, she vents about her ED problems to me constantly. I get that maybe she needs someone outside of therapy to talk about it with, but it makes me really close to relapsing every time. She'll come home and start saying things like "I weighed myself yesterday and lost another X kg" and "A guy ranted to me about how he wanted to lose weight, like duh he should be happy, he might need it for when he's like me, who hasn't eaten in 3 days." and "I've been so bad today but it's probably a good thing because the 4 days before that I didn't eat at all."

I don't know how to gently reaffirm my boundaries and tell her that it's affecting me really badly when she says such things to me. I don't want to be too firm or mean, and I understand that she's going through bad stuff, but I'm not in a place where I could listen to it without it fucking me up badly.

Honestly, I think you've given your roommate the benefit of the doubt for too long. She doesn't "forget" she's triggering you. She's subtly doing it on purpose. She doesn't "not pick up on" your hints about why you're uncomfortable. She's enjoying making you uncomfortable. I usually do not advise people to think in such a paranoid fashion, but I truly believe the writing is on the wall here. As someone who has given others the benefit of the doubt for too long and gotten hurt for it, I feel obligated to say this.

Anon, those of us who have eating disorders are often unwell in other ways. We often have trauma and difficult relationships and other issues. And we're often competitive in our eating disorders, which is a real risk. Many of us try to show off being the "sickest" or make it a game, sometimes. And you are ABSOLUTELY allowed to be too firm and "too mean" in defending your health. Her going through stuff does NOT justify her putting you through stuff, and that's a lesson all of us who have mental illness need to learn - both in regard to what we put up with, and what we may make others put up with.

So listen. A successful boundary is not a statement of "you can't do X." Attempting to control the behavior of others is useless. Instead, think of a boundary (and speak your boundaries) in terms of "if you do X, I will do Y to protect myself." And do be prepared to follow through on that consequence. As one of my favorite TikTok therapists once said, "a boundary without consequences for violating it isn't a boundary, it's more of a fancy request."

If you're stuck in the lease and don't have the option of moving away from this girl, here's what you can do to get by for now. Make a list of all the things she has done to trigger your ED, and make a list of responses that will be protective for you. Then, have a kind but firm talk with her about how she constantly triggers your ED and how you will be taking the following measures to take care of your mental health. Let her know you're not trying to be hurtful but for your protection, these are non-negotiable. Things like "If you continue to make comments about what is on my plate, I will take my plate and leave the room." or "If you continue to vent to me about your eating disorder, I will hang out with you less."

She may try to act the victim. Do not be swayed by this. No matter how she feels about this talk, nothing is worth sacrificing your mental health, and it is her own responsibility to learn to take care of her own mental health WITHOUT hurting others, as we all must learn to do. Tell her that you want for her to have someone to talk to about this, but that someone cannot be you. She has done this multiple times. This isn't a mistake at this point, and honestly, you're not doing her a favor by letting her go without learning how to hold herself accountable for respecting the boundaries of others. But more importantly, you're not doing yourself any favors by teaching yourself that it's okay to let others hurt you because they're having a hard time. Your hard times matter too, anon.

Best of luck in the roommate stuff and in making it through the winter.

[metawatts]

What are your thoughts about the fight of Ironwood vs everyone in vol. 8? I was so annoyed by it. I felt like they nerfed Ironwood so hard. Oh, and the writers decided to NOW use Marrow's semblance to stop characters before they can start fighting (the Ace Ops). Would have been nice to have consistent writing and have Marrow use that in the fight against RWBY. (Loved your review of JLxRWBY, btw. You put exactly how I felt into words.)

Well the reason you feel like Ironwood was nerfed was, in fact, because he WAS. I pulled this fact from the rwby wikia because I don’t have it in me to actually hunt down the quote, but, according to the Director’s commentary on episode 12, ‘the reason that Ironwood lost was because the writers felt that Team ORNJ deserved a win after losing to Neopolitan in Volume 7.’

So don’t worry, you’re not crazy. Ironwood absolutely got nerfed so MKEK could make sure JNR didn’t look like the jobbers we know they are. That’s plot armour, deus ex machina, and hand of the author at work, straight from the horse’s mouth. No one is allowed call MKEK good writers ever again, do the words 'kill your darlings' mean nothing anymore?

Anyway, this fight. It’s crap. Honestly a lot of the fights in vol8 are just really bad, that volume was just a disgrace in every way. Personal gripe: the song that plays over it, ‘Be Strong and Hit Stuff’, is probably my least favourite song on the entire vol8 album and considering all of them on the whole suck except for the one that was not written for the show, that’s a low bar. Most of why I hate this song is because Nora is without a doubt my absolute least favourite character in the whole show, but it’s also just. I’ll do song rankings one day.

It's just the same style of formulaic combat that rwby does in every fight of the entire volume. It’s just JNROW mashing their attack buttons until they get a decent combo. And the qrow and robyn and marrow vs the other ace ops scene? Don’t even talk to me about that, so Marrow suddenly has the guts to stop fighters in their tracks when it’s his old team? Vol8 really took every character I vaguely liked and put a gun to their likability (except you Watts you kept slaying, I named this blog for YOU).

I mean, real quick combat breakdown: Emerald rips off Mercury’s kick and then does nothing for the rest of the fight. Jaune and Oscar trade off ‘whack ironwood with my bladed weapon/cane’ before Ren does his stupid rope trick and decides he wants to try whack at Ironwood. Ironwood is doing great here honestly, he’s just in full boxer mode, his guard’s consistently up, he recovers quickly and adapts, he lands some good blows. Jaune and Ren also quietly drop out of the fight here, because Nora is getting powered up by Winter, somehow, even though she’s never been shown to use dust ever she suddenly uses it all the time even though her weapon lacks the same sort of dust casing as Weiss so where’s this come from you’d think she’d have used it against Cinder when she was literally getting killed but WHATEVER-

Anyway Nora gets the first major relevant hit on Ironwood because literally of course she does, we cut off to Marrow being a turncoat, and then cut back to Winter and Oscar riding a Manticore while Nora joins Jaune and Ren and Emerald in ‘not existing in this fight sequence anymore’ land, and apparently they just decided after getting one hit in they’d pause to get on an animal instead of continuing attacking, this fight makes no sense.

Anyway, Ironwood destroys the Manticore barehanded, king shit, Winter hits him with the ice dust she suddenly uses, Oscar poke attacks, and right when ironwood’s about to knock this kid out of the stratosphere, Winter uses some sort of flashy finishing move that is literally ripped from Kill La Kill I see those studio trigger sparkles. Again, also makes no fucking sense either, what even is this, and don’t tell me ‘rule of cool’ because it wasn’t cool, it was lame. And also, so much for ‘give JNRO a win’, they can’t even stick to their own favouritism because Winter does all the actual fuckin work here.

Overall scores

Story Context: 4/10

Fight Choreography: 1/10

Authorial Bullshit Intervention (Plot Armour, this time admitted to): 10/10

Emotional Investment: 4/10 (but only because I wanted Ironwood to at least megaton punch Jaune or Nora into outer space)

Deserved Outcome: 1/10

Also, thank you!! I ended up having a lot of fun writing out my JLxRWBY review, even if a lot of it was tempered by Seething Rage. Being a miserly grump sometimes is good for the soul, after all.

[pinkmoondoll9shihtzu]

l, i was wondering if u could give me some suggestions on an issue i am facing.. its been 6 months since me n ex broke up (on winter solstice nonetheless..) for very good reasons after 3 yrs, we really were doing some damage to each other for a while , triggering each others core wounds like Crazy. i reaally was in a bad place for the whole last yr of it and now really do feel so much better being out. however we lived together for yrs and they were who i was closest to for so long, n we were each others first love once before at 16/17. i felt just anger for months, but now its residing and i just feel soooo tied to them still… i do not want to get bacj w them, but so much of my time now is spent in deep nostalgia of the happy/quiet moments, wanting the good of those times back even tho logically i know its Impossible. wishing i could go back and do it again. wanting to reach out even tho i know it would only be detrimental. i was wondering if u have any tips on balancing this miss with continuing to move on, as i know i must finally do so fully — i feel the anger was keeping me moving forward, but now that its waning i fear getting stuck in this state. i feel as tho this is why we got back together to begin w. anyhow thank u as always fer ur infinite wisdoms x dog bless

hello <3 i understand... both of us had big endings at winter solstice lol what kind of assertive force was in the air back then i wonder ! here's my advice althoug it seems to me u already know what's right for you so it's sort of just reinforcement of your feelings ---

first thing i want to get out of the way is that if you and this person were meant to be together i believe the breakup never would/ve happened & there would've never been a single doubt in your mind about this partnership. I can say this after spending a few years living with slimbo, like, We endlessly grow closer, our bond is fully forged in stability and peace and understanding. There is not a single moment in the past few years of being in their presence that i've had a single doubt of our longevity. We do not make each other's life hell in even the slightest sense. if something comes up we work it out within that day and it never carries over to the next. And that rarely occurs.

Previously in life i did not know such harmony could exist, but now that i know, i look at all my old relationships like damn, i can't believe i ever thought that person could've been "the one" when we clashing so often. And i mean it's not like i could've known better because for most of us, we grow up in families that face much conflict, you just think Oh this is normal right? People fight and thats normal, there's tension and it's normal. Well now i know it is NOT normal and when you find someone who's really ready to meet you where you're at it creates harmony, true harmony, even if external conflict arises it brings you closer, you can solve any problem together, you're on the same level.

(Also i'm not sure how old you are but i think it's super rare to find this type of harmony until a little later in life because youth is confusing & people are still figuring themselves out, gaining the maturity it takes to be a reliable partner and whatnot).

But what i feel is happening for you and this person is that you went through all these formative experiences together, and maybe you're missing the rush of that more than you miss the actual person. Like maybe you're just bored xD that's not meant to sound harsh im just being real. boredom often leads to nostalgia. a little nostalgia here and there can be fun & transmuted into new experiences but being overly absorbed in nostalgia is not conducive to growth, only stagnation. do not fall victim to halo effect just because you're bored or lonely!!

If you were to get back with this person it would 1) block the way for someone who truly matches your frequency to come through, and 2) Likely your repressed anger and resentment towards that person would begin to infiltrate the relationship again pretty quickly. It's not fair to them, nor is it fair to yourself, it would only prolong the suffering.

So i think to move forward from this experience you could try a few things. Firstly i think you're being called to really go inwards, figure out why you feel bored right now, why you feel something is lacking in your life when you have to be alone? Learn how to fill your time with more things you enjoy, becoming stronger in your self concept through introspection, hobbies, leisure, just having fun by yourself. When you can do stuff like this it actually makes you very attractive & radiant in a way that magnetizes people who are also pretty solid in themselves. U just can't really have a good healthy relationship unless both of you are solid and Know Yourselves like thats just a universal truth.

And another thing i'd consider trying is like, meditations where you envision yourself cutting the chord that energetically binds you to this person from your past. That is if you want to get a little woowoo with it. But i really believe in the effectiveness of those exercises. Don't rush into it, just like, when you feel truly ready, let it go. You can still hold your memories and honor your experience with them without wanting them to be in your physicality again. There are exes who i haven't spoken to in yeeeears who i actually can look upon much more fondly now that i've let go. i forgive them and wish them well but it's nice to be distant.

don't be afraid of change~~~don't be afraid that a better match will never come along for you. I didn't foresee anything about the romance i have now before it happened. I knew i wanted to find a love that felt balanced and fulfilling but not All-Consuming. by a total random sequence of events, my vibe was met. You just never know whats around the corner ^^ The more open you are to change, the more change will find you. But you know going back to that person would just be a needless repeat of an old cycle. it's ok to still cherish them and keep moving forward. it's good you're able to feel less angry towards them now, that shows growth & maturity. But dont let it drag you back in !!

i hope this resonates and doesn't sound too preachy lol . Just hate to see someone fall back into Old HABITS. For your sake and the sake of your old partner. letting go is a crucial skill to learn in this life. Best of luck to you anon, you sound like a good person who wants to do their best & that will carry you far in life & love.

Sincerely

PMD9 <3

[detroit-grand-prix]

Wildest Dreams Chapter 21 - mad woman, part 1

Chapter summary: The first half of Bee's first F1 season brings mixed results, and doubt starts to creep in. An issue with the car that needs to be dealt with.

Content warning: N/A

Chapter word count: 4,636

Author's Notes: When I wrote this chapter, I had read an interesting interview with Jamie Chadwick about modifications and physical limitations of (average) female drivers, which may come in to play when we have a woman reach the grid. And it's absolutely true that even road cars are not designed or tested for women, but I feel like at least in F1, this is a systemic problem - they make modifications for drivers that are too short or too tall, so I feel like it would be possible to modify a car for a female driver. They've made modifications for Yuki Tsunoda, who is 5'2", the same height as Bee.

Red Bull Ring, Spielberg, Styria, Bezirk Murtal, Austria July 6th, 2020

After Bee finished her first Formula 1 race, she felt a giddy adrenaline high for hours afterward. Through all of the phone calls with her parents, with Susie, through the celebratory dinner that Emilia made, she felt fine. But, by the time she’d gone to bed on Sunday evening, her back, neck, and shoulders felt so stiff that she could barely stand up straight. She took some nurofen and tried to stretch a little and figured she’d feel better after a good night’s sleep. 

That was not the case. She could barely move. It took her almost five minutes for her to get out of bed. 

She sent Emilia a WhatsApp message and told her how bad it was, and asked what she should do. Emilia responded and told Bee that she would be right over. 

“Well, you are really seized up. If it took you that long to get out of bed, I doubt we’ll be able to get you over to the garage where my massage table is, so we’ll have to make do right here.” 

Having Bee lie on her bed wasn’t ideal, with it being so soft, but Emilia thought it would be easier than trying to get Bee onto the floor. 

“Well… I think you’re in for a rough day.” Emilia said, palpating the tender cords of muscle around Bee’s back. We’ll just try and minimize inflammation and have you rest for today. I’ll get my kit and some ice packs from the garage, and then you’re going to take it easy.”

She returned about 10 minutes later, carrying a box that contained what looked like an overly large ice pack and a few rolls of KT tape.

“Do you have a favorite color, for the tape?”

“Not blue.” She wore enough blue as it was.

“Pink, then.”

“Perfect.”

Emilia laid the ice pack across Bee’s back, over the shirt she was wearing. It felt good. She thought about the cooling vest that she wore during hot-weather races, but imagined that it didn’t get cold enough to ease pain and inflammation.

“I ran into Aleix while I was over there - I think that’s his name, George’s performance coach? In the garage. He said George went through this last year for his first couple of GPs, but he just had to build up to it.”

“Oh. Well, that’s unfortunate.” Bee didn’t actually remember George being in so much pain when they went to Australia last year.

“There’s only a week between races, and last year there were two weeks between them. I don’t understand, I did more laps at winter testing than I did yesterday and felt fine.”

“Well, winter testing was before you had an unexpected three month break, you probably just deconditioned more than you realized. Tomorrow, we can try some trigger point massage. That will help. Today is for rest and minimizing inflammation.”

After 20 minutes of icing, Emilia applied a web of KT tape across Bee's shoulders and upper back, and helped her get up to sit at the table and eat something. 

“Do you want me to stay here and keep you company?” Emilia said, as she was helping Bee back into her bed. “I don’t have any other plans today with you… what’s the English expression… ‘out of commission’?”

“If you want to. It’s up to you, and I certainly won’t say no to having company.” Bee said. “I was just going to read, and probably nap. And then we have the all-team debrief this afternoon, but we were doing that by Zoom anyway. But… please don’t feel obligated, if you want to go enjoy having a day off.”

“I’ll stay. I don’t know what else I’d rather be doing anyway.” Emilia said with a smile. 

They chatted companionably for a while with Bee sitting up at the head of her bed with her back against the wall of the motorhome, and Emilia sitting at the foot of the bed. Eventually, Emilia made lunch for the two of them and left Bee to take a nap before the team debrief. 

She felt a bit better the next day, at least enough to get over to the garage so she could lie down on Emilia’s massage table and not on her bed. Emilia carefully took the tape off of her back did some release of her “trigger points”, whatever those were - they just felt like knots to Bee. Emilia used intense, focused massage to release them. Emilia had incredibly strong hands, and Bee was close to crying a few times, but she felt a lot better afterward.

Emilia re-applied KT tape to her neck and back after she’d finished up. “We should have put some on this past weekend after all. We’ll make sure to do it before your sessions this weekend.”

Bee had started feeling better at the end of the week, but qualifying day had brought heavy rain. It delayed the start of qualifying by almost an hour. Bee was nervous - it had been a long time since she’d driven in wet conditions. Wet qualifying was especially precarious - in some cases, you needed to push harder during qualifying than during a race. 

Everyone was aquaplaning, but there was no major incident until an Alfa Romeo lost control into Turn 7. George was able to push through and make it to Q2, but Bee only managed to get 18th. She was honestly just happy that she didn’t end up in the wall.

The rain had cleared up by the morning of the race, which Bee was thankful for, though it may have been advantageous to Williams’ points chase to have rain - Bee wasn’t entirely confident in the rain, but George was excellent at it. Bee joked with him that it was because he grew up racing in awful English weather, and she didn’t. 

Bee and Emilia did their usual warmups, but Emilia spent extra time on trying to loosen up Bee’s neck and shoulders. 

“You’re still a little tight today, but not like you were at the beginning of the week.” 

Bee hissed a little bit as Emilia kneaded the heel of her palm into her trapezius muscles. “Are you sure your harness or seat doesn’t need to be adjusted or something?”

“I don’t know. Maybe? Why? Everything felt fine during my last seat fitting." 

“Well… I know they try to build the cockpit around you in the cars and the seat itself is custom-molded, but… if everything was fitting you the way it should be, I don’t think you would’ve had this much trouble. You’re also the shortest driver by a long shot, and the other driver on your team is one of the tallest. I think maybe you’re trying to adjust yourself while you’re driving to see better, or something, and it’s causing all of this strain. I’ve seen this kind of injury before during my internship. Every time, the patient was a shorter woman, and they get this kind of strain because they’re always having to stretch their necks to see over the hood of their car. Believe it or not, a booster sort of… cushion is recommended in those cases.” 

Bee thought about it. It could just be strain from not racing for several months, but she knew she worked every bit as hard as other drivers during the break to stay in fighting form, and they didn’t seem to be experiencing the same issues as she did, at least not to the same degree. Maybe the long break just compounded with an issue with her harness or the ride height of her seat that hadn’t been quite so noticeable before. 

It was just one more irritating concession, one more adjustment she had to make, one more sign that she was a square peg in the round hole of the motorsport world. For another example, she was the only one on the grid that had to wear a bra under her fireproofs. Her Williams fireproofs were white, and a little bit on the transparent side. Her breasts were fairly small, but not wearing a bra was uncomfortable because of where all of the belts and harnesses laid across her chest. She used to just wear a regular beige sports bra under her gear, but she started wearing a fireproof Nomex bra when she started testing for Williams to avoid running afoul of FIA homologation requirements for clothing. The problem was that most fireproof Nomex bras that were available were black, so in most lighting conditions, you could see her bra showing faintly through her fireproof undershirt. It was a little embarrassing, but there was nothing to be done about it. 

“I’m not sure what can be done about it right now, but I’ll mention it to the engineers when we get back to England. They have more tools and materials in the factory, and can re-fit my seat there if they need to.” Bee said. 

Next week they’d be in Hungary, so there was no time to head back to the UK before then. 

It was not a bad race. Neither George nor Bee could claw their way into the points, but it was close again - George in P12 and Bee in P13. However, there was no denying that Williams’ performance, overall, was on the upswing from last year. It had a noticeable effect on the energy in the garage, too. Last year, it was incredibly dour most of the time, like the team had never recovered from the shame of arriving to testing two days late. 

But going into Hungary, they were energized, like a fresh spring breeze had swept through the garage. Bee and George talked about it - he’d noticed, too. For both of them, it was good motivation - the Williams staff were all wonderful people, and they deserved to see the fruits of their hard work instead of fighting at the back of the grid. Of course, every team worked hard, but this was still racing. 

Bee’s neck and shoulders still hurt after Sunday, but not quite as badly. Even without any adjustments, at least the extra support offered by the tape helped a bit. Now that Emilia had called her attention to it, Bee did notice that she was straining her neck for a lot of the race, especially on straights, to see over the nose of the car. She also noticed that she had to stretch her legs a bit for the pedals. She wasn’t sure if it could be brought forward because of how the seat was bolted into the car’s monocoque, but solving the issue of height would probably do wonders. 

When they arrived in Hungary and started setting up the garage, Bee pulled one of the engineers aside. 

“I don’t know if this is possible, but… can my seat be adjusted a little, as far as the height goes, or would that be a significant disadvantage as far as our times go?”

“Hmm… we could probably bolster it a bit. Not by much, but it shouldn’t have too much of an effect since you’d still be behind the halo. Why?” He said.

“I think it’s just… I don’t know, I feel like I’m having to stretch a lot to see over the dash, and it’s putting a lot of strain on my neck and shoulders, and with the long break, it’s been way more noticeable than it used to be.” 

“Oh, yeah, I suppose that is a concern.” The engineer said. “I don’t know if we can do much about it right now, but once we’re back at the factory, we can definitely take a look. And we can re-fit your seat if we need to, when we’re back there.”

Bee was a little bit worried that her concern would be dismissed, but it wasn’t. It felt nice. 

Hungary was another wet race. Qualifying had very light showers, so there was no need for intermediate or wet tyres, and finally - finally her and George had both made it out of Q1 and into Q2. They were both eliminated in Q2, but it was Bee’s highest grid placement yet, and according to Gaetan, the first time both of the Williams had made it out of Q2 since 2018. 

Even so, Bee made a poor strategy call regarding tyre choice later on, opting to stay on intermediate tyres far longer than she should have, which dropped her back down to 16th. Gaetan asked her if she wanted to pit for slicks, but she was sure the track wasn’t dried off enough yet. She still wasn’t sure how far she should go to take risks - feeling out risk versus reward was something that would only come with experience, and she didn’t have much of that yet.

It wasn’t an ideal result, but for the third race of the season, she was still mostly glad she hadn’t managed to shunt the car yet. George once just outside of the points once again, finishing 11th.

On the bright side, she told herself, her neck didn’t hurt quite as much after. 

After they returned to the UK ahead of the Silverstone doubleheader, the engineers were able to cut a new base for her seat, and re-molded a new seat for her. They also made a different pedal case that ensured she wouldn’t have to try and stretch so much to reach the pedals. Things felt better the instant she sat down in the car after the engineers had made their fixes. She was surprised that she hadn’t noticed how poorly things were, but that was something else that would come with experience. Doing free practice and test sessions didn’t really give her the same sort of feel for the car as an actual race would have, which is why she could tell the difference now. 

One they’d returned to the UK, Emilia also started some more work on strengthening Bee’s back muscles to support better posture - they’d focused so much on her neck in trying to get her back in shape during the long break that things were getting a bit out-of-balance. The factory gym was still closed, so they did some pilates mat exercises in Bee’s apartment in Oxford. 

It was strange to be back in the apartment after so long - nothing had really changed, as she’d thrown away anything perishable before she left and didn’t have any houseplants left to die of neglect, but there was a pretty significant coating of dust all over everything. That was easy enough to take care of.

The special helmets she’d ordered had also arrived - one for the German Grand Prix, and one for the Italian Grand Prix at Monza. 

The doubleheader at Silverstone was strange. The first race was somewhat of a disappointing performance for Bee. She qualified dead last and was buoyed to 15th in the race by a few retirements and a decent overtake on Romain Grosjean. The next week was another race, named as the “70th Anniversary Grand Prix”. Qualifying took place on her birthday, which was a stark reminder of how strange the timing of this season had become - for the past few years, her birthday always took place in the middle of the summer shutdown.

The Williams staff had a very small celebration for her birthday after qualifying, though, with some cake and ice cream. George brought her a “Colin the Caterpillar” cake, which apparently was somewhat of a tradition for British children’s birthday parties. It was a swiss roll cake with a chocolate shell, candy dots, and a white chocolate face and feet. She’d seen them before in Marks & Spencer but hadn’t realized it was some sort of tradition. She’d qualified 15th to George’s 12th, and placed 19th to George’s 18th. It wasn’t an ideal home race for Williams, but the team was still optimistic, and so was Bee - she didn’t know how her luck would play out compared to her past racing seasons, but after Spa and Barcelona was Monza.

At Spa, the team motorhomes were back in the paddock, which meant that Emilia was freed from her cooking duties - having access to the team motorhomes meant having team kitchens and kitchen staff again. Also, they had access to proper driver rooms again instead of having to use a makeshift space with temporary walls in the team garages. 

Bee loved the Williams’ motorhome - it was all pleasing gray, white, and blue with modern lines. They also had access to the little patio again, where Bee spent a lot of time sitting in the sun and reading during her time as a reserve driver. One of her favorite things to do during downtime on race weekends was sit on the patio, weather permitting, reading a book and people watching up and down the paddock. 

After the first practice session in Belgium, Bee was sitting on the Williams motorhome’s porch, trying to read. They’d set up a little outdoor seating area with some garden furniture. If there were guests and sponsors here, it might have almost the atmosphere of a garden party, but for now, it was just Bee staring into space with her thumb on her place in her book (Wolf Hall by Hilary Mantel). Her eyes had started to cross a little, so she decided to give Thomas Cromwell and Cardinal Worsley a break for a moment. She was looking down the paddock, not really at any one particular thing, her mind wandering, until someone saying her name snapped her out of her reverie. 

“Hi, Phoebe. How are you today?”

She shook her head a bit. “Oh, hi, Valtteri. It’s nice to see you. How have you been?” She hadn’t actually seen him walk up to the porch, and he’d startled her a little. 

“Not too bad, considering this strange season. I feel a bit bad for you, joining F1 during this mess. Can I join you for a few moments? I feel like I haven’t talked at all since you were at Mercedes.” Valtteri said. 

There was an empty chair across from her, and she didn’t think anyone would get upset - they’d be close enough to two meters apart. She gestured for Valtteri to sit down, and he did.

“Absolutely. I feel like I haven’t really talked to anyone all season, other than George. It’s certainly not how I’d imagined things going.”

Valtteri was wearing a mask, but his eyes crinkled a bit as Bee imagined him smiling. It probably wasn’t a very big smile - Valtteri wasn’t the most expressive person Bee had ever met. He was a stereotypical Finlander in every sense. Quiet, reserved, polite, but not very talkative. It surprised Bee a little that he’d stopped to chat with her. “It’s unusual, that is for sure. Aside from that, how are you liking it? Being in Formula 1, I mean.”

“Well… some days I wake up and still can’t believe I’m here, and I get to do this every day. Other days, maybe more often than not right now - it feels like I lied on my resume and got the job anyway, and now I have no idea what I’m doing, and it won’t be long before someone realizes it.”

“What do you mean? I think you’re doing great for your rookie season.”

“I haven’t scored any points yet. And I know that George went all last season without scoring one, but the car was… a mess, last year. And we’re at one of my worst tracks this weekend.”

“I wouldn’t worry about it too much. I think your performance has been very impressive. P11 for your first race, after an unexpected break and a late-starting season? It’s very impressive. You definitely have the talent, and getting the points and everything - that will come with time, and experience.”

“Hmm.” Bee looked skeptical.

“I joined Williams in my rookie year, too, and I only got 17th in the standings. And the car was decent, then. The next year, I was 4th. I just had to get some laps under my belt, and things started coming with time. They will for you, too.”

“It also doesn’t help that my teammate is… I adore George, but he has so much just… I don’t know, more of an instinct for this than I do. I guess it doesn’t help that he already has an entire season under him, so I’m trying not to compare myself to him, but it feels difficult, especially because I competed with him in GP3 and Formula 2.”

Valtteri chuckled a little. “I have a six-time world champion as my teammate, so I definitely know the feeling. But you two seem to have a very good relationship, so that’s really the challenge. Even if you don’t think you have the talent or instinct he has, you can learn from him, at least. I’ve learned a lot from Lewis through the years.”

“That’s a really good point.”

“But, even then, you know, your time will come. There is a lot of this season left. There’s a saying we have in Finland - “Paistaa se päivä risukasaankin”. The day will shine even into a pile of twigs.”

Bee stared at him. “I have no idea what that means.”

“I think it has a similar meaning to ‘every dog has his day’ in English. Something like that. But, don’t stress it - the points will come eventually.”

Autodromo Nazionale di Monza, Monza, Province of Monza and Brianza, Lombardy, Italy September 6th, 2020

Despite there not being fans in attendance at Monza, Bee was still all too happy to see the place again, even with empty grandstands. She was not ever sure how or why, but she’d just developed such a fondness for the place. It was probably her past race successes, sure, but it felt like something more than that. 

Spa had been a race to forget for Williams. George retired from some debris from a crash damaging his suspension. Bee fought her way up from 19th in qualifying to 12th. She was trying to take Valtteri’s advice and be patient about her results - George hadn’t scored a single point in his rookie season, but the fact that she’d been so close to doing so was starting to grate on her. 

The fact that Williams had points now was an improvement over last year, though, and it meant they weren’t in last place in the constructors’ championship. 

Bee arrived at the track on Wednesday to film some promotional videos for Williams. Adam, the social media manager, wanted to capitalize on Bee’s reputation at Monza that she’d earn in the junior series. He told her they were going to make a video of her doing a hot lap in a GT car with a passenger. 

This wasn’t an uncommon video for teams to make for their YouTube channels, but normally it would be a driver taking a celebrity or other F1 luminary around a track. With limited access to the track, though, the social team thought it would be fun for Bee to take Emilia out for the lap. Emilia didn’t seem like she was terribly thrilled about the idea, but she was a remarkably good sport about it. 

Adam said that he would have George take Aleix out around another circuit this season for a similar video.

They secured a crimson red Mercedes-AMG GT R for Bee to drive, and gave them both an open-face helmet to wear. It was Emilia’s first time wearing a helmet that wasn’t a bike helmet. 

“This feels weird. It’s squeezing my head.” Emilia said, trying to fix the strap under her chin. 

They stood outside of the car, leaning against the hood, for the introduction. The ‘cameraman’ (someone from the social team with a camera - these weren’t meant to be super-polished videos) gave Bee her cue that he was filming.

“Hello, I’m Phoebe Stallard, from the Williams F1 team, and we’re here at Monza today! We’ve been given this gorgeous AMG GT R to use for a hot lap around the Monza Circuit. This is Emilia - she’s my performance coach, and she’s never been in a race car. This is one of my favorite tracks on the F1 calendar. I’m gonna take her for a hot lap around Monza!”

Once the technician adjusted the harnesses and Adam made sure the interior cameras for the car were working, Bee turned the car on. 

“Are you ready, Emilia?”

“What if I say no? Can I get out?”

“No. You’ll be fine, I’ve done a lot of laps here. Consider it revenge for making me do so many split squats and deadlifts. Oh, by the way… did you know I have the lap record here for Formula 2 cars?”

“That… doesn’t really make me feel any better.” Emilia said.

Bee smoothly guided the car off the pit lane, up to the starting line. “Are you ready?”

“I guess so?”

As she blasted off into the first chicane at the end of the pit straight, Emila hollered, and braced herself against the console and door. “Oh my god!”

Bee laughed. “I asked if you were ready!”

Around the Curva Biassono, and into the Variante della Roggia, Emilia seemed like she might have been having a little fun, until Bee cut around the Curva di Lesmo, which was a blind corner. Emilia’s tentative, nervous laughter turned to yelling again. The Curva del Serraglio was wide and sweeping, so Bee used it to pick up speed before coming up on the Ascari chicane. 

“Okay! Fast curve, coming up. Get ready!”

“Nnnnooooohmygod -” 

Emilia barely had time to re-orient herself again as Bee sped toward the Parabolica.

“Ready for my favorite part?”

“What -”

“Here we go! Parabolicaaaaa!” Bee said, her voice sing-songy.

Into the Parabolica, Bee hung onto the very edge of the racing line, just like she did when she went for her lap record. She wasn’t trying to show off, not really. She just couldn’t help it. It put Emilia back in her seat. She was still yelling.

She coasted over the finish line, and Emilia was laughing. It wasn’t really the kind of laughter that indicated enjoyment, but more the kind of laughter one does unwillingly, trying to relieve tension after an incredibly stressful situation.

“You good? Do we need to go get you a new pair of pants?” Bee said, grinning. 

“That was… wow.”

“I didn’t tell you this beforehand,” Bee said, “But this is one of the fastest tracks in the Formula 1 calendar. It’s also my favorite though, so I don’t think you had anything to worry about. I hope you at least had a little fun, because I had a lot of fun.”

“It was… something. Something I don’t think I’ll do again.”

Bee couldn’t stop laughing, and felt a little bad at being so amused. She didn’t think Emilia was actually afraid - she told Bee that she did have some adrenaline junkie tendencies, but she certainly hadn’t known what to expect.

Finally, it was qualifying. Bee was excited. Practices were the first chance she’d gotten to drive a Formula 1 car in Monza. It was almost better than she could imagine, with the high-downforce setup they put on the car for this track, it felt like she could hang on to the absolute edge at all times. Her practice times were downright decent, ending up in 8th in Free Practice 3. It was a good sign for qualifying. 

She almost dragged the car into Q3 by sheer will, only missing it behind Pierre Gasly by a couple of tenths. George also got into Q2, but it was the first time Bee had out-qualified him all season. Another double Q2 for the team was worth celebrating, and a good sign for qualifying turned into a good sign for race day.