#i dont wish any ill on this person theyre just annoying as fuck in a 'im not touching you tho!!!!' way that activates my

[angel---eater]

oof theres this new person in one of the servers im in who keeps trying to... idk, bait people?? probably not actively bait people. they keep putting little feelers out to initiate ship bashing and shipwar behavior in a 'you agree with me right? cause everyone knows this [insert really historically popular fandom ship] is groooooss lol' kind of way. and the only reason im thinking abt this is because this servers first rule, like literally right at the top of the rules channel, is 'no ship bashing under no circumstances for any ship', point blank period. this is a if you dont have anything nice to say dont say it kinda space for everyones peace of mind. its a lil piece of escapism in a lil dedicated ship server. so im sittin here like okay. aight dude. youre looking to get angry about something that doesnt matter with new people to get the blood pumpin. i feel that. but theres a time and place 😭😭😭do that shit with your friends ur yelling in the wrong fandom echochamber..... this one is full of love and peace.....

[magnoliamyrrh]

When it comes to prison abolition I wish people would focus on specific crimes or types of crimes instead of this binary approach. There seems to be no space for nuance in western leftist thought these days, you have to go all the way in one go or it isn't worth doing.

Okay the current system isn't perfect but it's better than letting pedos, rapists and sex traffickers get away with continuing to abuse women and girls. Domestic violence too, there's just so many areas where justice already doesn't exist for victims. Until abolitionists can provide a good answer for those crimes they should admit that their theory doesn't yet work in every scenario.

Let's go back to focusing on drugs, theft and other crimes against corporations, the imprisonment of those suffering from severe mental illnesses and general anti social behaviour. Crimes where imprisonment does unjustly impact people's lives and we do already have noncustodial solutions we can implement.

"there seems to be no space for nuance in western leftits though" youre certainly right abt that and its annoying as all hell. there are prison reformers who hold more nuance on this generally, but many prison abolitionists act like they're almost traitors for not being fully on board

and it bothers me that the keep treating this part of the issue as some sort of annoyance, thing we can think abt afterwards, or minor issue. or on the other side they wanna treat rapists the same way theyd treat some poor person who stole food,,,,,,like no, all of these things are actually incredibly common, and sadism and predatory actions are not same at all as many crimes. as far as im concerned theyre much less explicable than even many cases of murder and i will 100% vouch for the reform of a murderer than a rapist, particularly a pedo. and my conclusion frankly is i dont think these ppl rly care abt the saftey of children, girls, or women much

like, as you said. ill admit any day the system is fucked too. and yes the system is the consequence in america of colonialism and slavery, and in many parts of the world the prison system implemented by imperialists has been a tool of opression. and yes the system puts at a disadvantage and targets certain kinds of people and for certain kinds of offenses it makes no damn sense. like i think were all on board with this part of things??? and clearly countries like the semi-socialist northern euro ones have shown that better, more humaine systems can be implemented. im all on board for reform when it comes to 98% types of offenses, and generally i think prison reformists make very good, grounded points which seem feasible. and they suggest changes which we may actually see in our lifetimes

but then prison abolitions want to take it to such...... levels that it stops making sense. to an extent i get it, like i definitely get wanting to abolish the system and implement something new, the issue is that that "something new" makes little sense when you hear them speak. because they define annny form of incarceration or being restricted in movement as prison essentially, and we must get rid of that. so, frankly, by their own logic i dont even know if they could force rapists and pedophiles into """"recovery programs""" for any period of time - maybe theyd just let them go immediately and theyd have to voluntarly show up our of their own good will 🥺 (im sure thats gonna happen) - because anything else would be taking away their bodily autonomy.. ...really, truly, even though these ppl call themselves leftists this is such a ??? western individualistic opinion to hold?? like putting individual bodily autonomy and "rights" in any damn case, no matter how dangerous, above the wellbeing of society at large strikes me v v much as western individulism taken to an extreme

.. they dont have answers. they just dont. its either deflection, minimizing the issue, acting like youre the crazy one for asking, or some completely unrealistic bullshit abt making these men see the light - as if they dont already understand they should rape or beat women and children - or reintegrating them into the same communities that they traumatized. prison abolitionists wont admit that they have no real damn solution because, like western leftits in general in most cases, they a)dont actually care abt feminism b)dont have a fully understanding of what theyre talking about and are just screaming slogans and saying what sounds good to be right and woke and make themselves feel good and enlightened c)are allergic to actual nuance and discussion or being challenged

it also pisses me off too because ive seen a lot of them pull that woke version of noble savage shit, in which they pretend like the nonwestern world or the world pre-colonialization was this lovely perfect place with no issues no violence and everyone sat in a field and braided flowers in each others hair and talked abt their feelings. or something. when in fact, the concept of punishment for certain things has Definitely existed pre colonialization??? for gods sake even chimps, apes, several other animals have a concept of "actions have consequences" and they punish, either physically or through social exile, members of their species who have crossed a line. Several native american tribes had quite physically harsh and borderline torturous forms of physical punishment for what they deemed to be crimes, or would exile ppl (which in certain cases, like in winter, may as well have been a death sentence for some). In phillipines before colonialization for certain communities the punishment for rape was death. For gods sake islam too,,,, like,,, have these ppl never read qur'an and seen that physical punishment is one of the forms of punishment prescribed for certain offenses which are seen as affecting community negativity? Theres obviously a million other examples out there. I dont know what these people are smoking to think that the concept of "actions have consequences" was invented by the white man or whatever

[machinavillage]

i feel like if i vent about this or talk about this im like. Showing Weakness on the internet and will get harassed for it. but reality check is i have 5 active followers here and the search function hardly works on this site!

anyways if youre trans you might not want to read this negativity lol ✌️

i think its very annoying when cis ppl want to say Things Are Getting Better!!!!

im not saying i dont want them to try to be positive but im not receptive to that shit unless another trans person says it. because from my point of view, for my entire fucking life, ive had it made clear to me that everyone secretly hates me or thinks im a freak.

the things people point to as "progress" is just generic "hashtag trans rights!!!" shit. a lot of support for hypothetical trans people, but not for the real life people. and for most dumb fuck liberals who call themselves allies, all it takes to sway their opinion is to hear the word "pedophile". all they need is to see 1 trans person get called a pedo and they go "😲 oh my GOD!? pedophiles! im against that!". or hell, not even a real person. make up a hypothetical trans woman that doesnt fucking exist, and it sways peoples opinions. because youre soooooo fucking stupid. so stupid. so so stupid.

at best, most ppl who call themselves allies cannot make it through an interaction with a real life trans person without saying some dumb shit like "wow youre really nice for a transgender!!!" and they certainly couldnt have a friendship or relationship with a trans person and actually care about them.

its just. to me most positivity will fall on deaf ears because. i know if i were hate crimed like most ppl in my life wouldnt care unless theyre lgbt. thats it. cis straight people would not. and ive always known this forever basically. a lot of being trans is having it communicated to you that youre just free game for people and theres no support for you when youre harmed. and then ppl make shit up and act like there's mountains of support for your when theres none.

but hey im also really mean and have no forgiveness or tolerance for ppl who were extremely transphobic and "learned better". ill never trust you and hope you die early. you're so so so stupid for falling for this shit and i have no faith in your judgement or intelligence in the future if you fall too deep into the transphobia hole.

like if at any point in my life, you've contributed to any of the above, contributed to reminding me that im always alone, no matter what, for something i cant change, i wish you would die alone and painfully. i wish your life would fall apart in front of you and everyone leaves you. hope your dogs or cats or other pets hate you

[areyoudoneyetneon]

no one wants to try and hear me out on y feeligns, not him not her

they only deem it as me trying to argue when im onlu trying to explain myself and when im crying it's only seen like im being a nuisance. its like theyre saying "are u done yet bro?"

like im obviously still sad about it, i obviously need time. why does their have to be a time limit on my feelings?

it feels like im \in so much pain and i know i feel pain so much more than the people i surround myself with cuz i cant stop being such a little bitch

everyone js see's me as a submissive little bitch when im trying to explain myself nand explain that im hurting still

i have no one to talk to, no one to speak to about this and the only thing i can do is be even more pathetic on the internet. its so pathetic and i hate myself so much for it

because she thinks its pathetic to be this way

to be so sensitive and i wish i wasnt

its so pathetic that i cry all the time

people like to preach that its okay to cry but it isnt. everytime i show my vulerbility to anyone it gets taken as annoyance.

"just let me sleep"

its not even like i was arguing with her anymore, i was trying to get reassurance before she sleeped and all she care abt was sleeping

she was so obviously annoyed with me

it was like she was saying "can we wrap this up? ik youre crying rn but i just dont wanna deal with you"

and i know no one wants to deal with me anymore. even if im in the right its taken for ransom like its js some crazy idea that i could be right abt my feelings

sometimes i just really feel like dying and i wish it would work out better

i know i dont deserve to be happy. i deserve to suffer and i deserve to be raped and abused and molested and i dont deserve to be dead

i deserve to be dead and rotting in hell

im trying so hard

im trying so fucking hard to change and i am changing and i know it

i dont want the media i dont want my phone i dont want any of it

obviouslyh that other person didnt care enougn abt my felings or wanting to stay in the friendship any longer. he just completely ignored my feelings and thought more abt himself. he thought "WOW THIS PERSON IS WEIRD THIS PERSON IS WRIRFD" when he's literally lied abt stuff abt me and it made me wanna kill myself. i was in the lowest point that i felt i needed to snort up bath salts.

bath salts thta literally ruin you. i wanted to ruin myself

even i questioned myself if what i did was wrong for such a long time

i hated myself so much and i still do, i still fucking do

i know thst i desrve that kind of person in my life

i hate myself and i just want to quit

quit trying anymore

i wasnt trying to argue with anyone, i was trying to explain myself and whenveer i communicate how i feel, they take it as arguing and then it leads to an argument and i dont think they realize that

or maybe im just stupid and i just shouldnt ssy shit

maybe i am so worthless that my feelings dont matter anymore

no matter if i change

no matter if i change or not

no matter if anything ws forgiven, it doesnt matter

i know im so worthless im so fucking worthless

i know im a lowlife and barely make money, i know im gonna be homeless and die alone i justy know it

ive been trying to get a second job because she knows how worthless i feel when im doign absolutely nothing and she used it against me and it made me so sad too

she used it against me

she used my feeling of worthlessness against me. i feel so worthless i feel so worthless. im trying to mae money with my depop acc too and all she sees is worthlessness i just feel it

and she called me a psycho for the same shit she did to me and other people

i just wish she understood.

everytime i try with people in my life it goes stupid. and when im in the wrong im in the wrong and i get scolded for it but when im in the right i get scolded for it too. i get scolded for everything and i feel like it just means that either way, no matter what i do ill still be terrible. like the creator wanted me to live only for me to enjoy seeing a white bitch suffer and try to kill themself multiple times and it wont even let me.

ill still be terrible even if im doign something right. i cant take it anymore

i cant take it anymore i seriously cant, its so embedded.

its so embedded. i feel like people will hate mwe for the things i do even if its right or workng. its always been that way

forever and ever and ever and ever bro

and the only thing they could be thinking is "stop feeling sorry for yourself"

im breaking down bro please stop judging me for being offended

its obvious. you cant respect someones feelings after they fuck u over so why are u still here listening to me cry

i just wish i was dead and its not ever taken seriously. because i know one day im gonna be on the verge of doing it and people will only be thinking "brah the only reason i didnt try to help is cuz i thought they were bluffing" when in reality i will be pushed over the edge and im not saying its anyones fault. i just wish i hadny donje stupoid shit

[lillikoifish]

The premise to the hunter/killer story so far is about a girl named Layla. She’s kinda ordinary, i guess, just kinda nice, kinda funny, not overtly anything. The kind of person that thinks they blend in, because they have self esteem issues, but are actually pretty damn cool. Layla is the type that firmly believes in doing the right thing always, and not seeking any glory or accolades. She just wants to be helpful and kind, and make friends, and the entire time she is the first to leap into a fire to save someone, she thinks shes completely worthless and dull. A cool head in a crisis, thoughtful, pretty damn smart, but again, really fucking hates herself and thinks shes totally boring and uninteresting. Layla sees other people being great, and is always willing to lift them up, but the second people try to do the same, she awkwardly rejects it, and puts up walls and distance.

Her flaws are that her self hate is so powerful it causes all her problems, if she could just get over herself, she could have friends and love, but she just cant see it, its impossible. Its sad, you feel bad for her, and you wish Layla could grow. I want Layla to be someone you like, and genuinely cringe when she attacks herself, but it doesnt annoy or grate. It feels vulnerable and real. Thats the tough part i think, i feel like people are gonna lose patience fast. Which is kinda the thing Layla fears, that people just dont have the patience for her and theyll always leave, sick of her. Like her every move is making up for the offense of her just existing nearby. This is a powerful self hatred.

Anyway, the story is about two monsters in love with her. One is a hunter, and one is a killer. Well, theyre both killers, but only one is purely that.

The hunter is the patient type. He lays in wait, he looks for signs, clues, hes slow, methodical. He sees every detail and doesnt miss a single thing. Perfect at the job, the best in the world. He sees everything about Layla and loves her completely, he wants her for himself, he wants her to love him back.

The killer is not patient in any way. Hes a slave to his instincts, his desires, only seeking pleasure, not held back by taboos or the feelings of others. When he wants, he takes, and he feels such great pleasure from killing, it makes him greatly effective indeed. He desires Layla now, and is going to have her, there is no question. He calls it love, but really he just wants to possess her, he just wants the trophy, and when he imagines her, its still and silent and perfect.

The story begins in a large warehouse, and Layla waking up totally alone, and reads a note. Or maybe she hears a voice? And it tells her shes being hunted. She can try to escape, but its futile, and when shes found, theres going to be a great deal of fun had by one. If shes wondering why shes alone now, its because theres no sport to be had in just killing her now, and theyd rather make a great game of chasing her first. A chase is primal and good, very very good. So first they will chase, and then she is caught, and then there is more. But until then, she is free to try and get away, as futile as that is.

Layla is petrified of course, any sane person would be, but one thing she isnt is a meek coward. And she is determined to escape. And so she runs.

At least thats what ive got rattling around in my head right now. Maybe ill post more, but im not very good at writing.

[goremet-chef]

trying to control my emotions is so difficult man, like i can be honest with myself and lay out the whole truth, but that little voice inside me will always be like "okay, but what if we dont know the whole truth? what if something happened we dont know about and our fear is completely warranted?"

its sad because its not like.. the 'little voice' isnt an alter or something, its just ME. i bring myself so much misery, i feel so ashamed. i cant believe im our host. i bring all of us down, and im not even being dramatic or anything, i genuinely do. im selfish, and my method of coping with reality is to LEAVE it, when someone else fronts im biting my lip waiting to crawl back into front and take me out of here. i stop our social alters from even ATTEMPTING to be social because im too scared of the consequences (even if its just part of life, it rips my soul apart to be rejected, im so tired of being seen as weird)

its honestly kind of impressive, but despite all this fear that ties me down to the floor, i cant i CAN NOT ask if somethings wrong

i cant do it, because thats admitting defeat. thats me saying 'yeah ill be honest im sure nothing has happened on your end, but ive been drowning myself in anxiety and i need validation that my fear is for nothing like how you probably think it is'

i cant keep doing that. i hate being such a piece of work!!!! its never simple with me, everythings always fine until it literally isnt. ive convinced myself my friends, my closest bestest best besties, ALL hate me and ive been so depressed only for them to act completely normal and then i realize oh actually they dont and i was sad for nothing :] okay!

like. i just.

the last time i was ever open about how i was feeling, was when i was in contact with my groomer. i loved him i think, and i felt like i should be open with him, because he was my FP and the amount of crying i did every day was so pathetic

that was when i learned i had bpd and thats why i acted the way i did, and so i tried to be more open about it because i heard that i should and it would be good for my relationships, but all it did was make him tired with me, tired that i was constantly scared and asking if he still liked me

that was a bad time for me, i cant ignore that. being in constant contact with him was basically just giving me trauma every single day. my system was SO active trying to manage the stress, it was bad. i cant just blame myself for how i was acting, because it was a terrible horrible situation that i dont wish on anyone else, but man i wish i did things different

but like?? its like no matter the option i pick, its still the same!!! different outcome but shitty nonetheless

do i open up and tell the people i love that oh actually im really scared and im constantly afraid you dont love me anymore? or do i just. sit with the pain.

if i tell them, best case they tell me 'no dom, we still love you' and thats that, worst case they get annoyed with me, they see me as too much to handle, they pity me because something is clearly wrong with me

if i dont, then i do exactly what i do now, which is just wallowing in self hate and loneliness for 3 whole days, waiting for something thats not gonna happen because i havent fucking COMMUNICATED that i want it

i think technically, being open is the way to go. if i hadnt been stuck in such a shitty situation with a person like BRIAN then i wouldve probably seen better outcome. im open that i have BPD, so people should be aware what theyre getting into. if they stay despite knowing, they care about me, i know this is true. a lot of people book it once they hear you have any sort of cluster-b personality disorder because they immediately assume yr some kind of abuser, so this already is a good thing that i have people open enough to not immediately classify me as one and run

i just get scared like. what if i ask if somethings wrong and something IS wrong?? what if its my fault? id be so ashamed in myself. i dont have enough experience in human interaction to know how to fully like. handle that situation, the unknown outcome is what scares me the most

[sab-carpenters]

i have mixed feelings about the fact that they left brettsey open-ended and just them in general after the finale that i finally can somewhat put into words so pls enjoy reading my anger <3

after watching the scene over and over again, i came to conclusion that they didn’t break up but just didn’t know where they stand (well that’s how i’m understanding it). no doubt these two love each other but honestly i get it, long distance is so fucking hard. you’re not seeing the person you love everyday. i think it was heartbreaking hearing matt say he wishes sylvie could stay in portland forever, with him (i cried lmao). he genuinely wants sylvie to be there with him and idk i feel like deep deep down sylvie wants that but like she said, her family is 51, her life and work is in chicago (i will get to this below because im so annoyed at the writers lol). you’re 2000 miles away from the person you love. you’ve been pining over each other for three years and suddenly one of them has to leave. but i’ve said this before and i’ll say it again, i still truly believe that if anyone can do long distance, it’s matt and sylvie and i’ll forever keep saying it. aside from that, my issue is with the writers and the writers ONLY. matt literally said in s7 he’s a chicago guy and basically he’s forever going to be a chicago guy. did they forget that? i’m sorry but i did not like the fact that he’s basically saying he found a life in portland and he’s happy yada yada yada. it was completely ooc for me and i just don’t have any words. his family is literally 2000 miles away...there is no one in portland, aside from the boys, that he considers family (like yeah he could have friends or wtv). also, i did not like the way matt reacted when hermann asked when is he coming back (and pls don’t come at me saying it’s probably nothing of whatever, this is how i’m seeing it 💀). i get it, matt is there for three years, he needs to actually settle down temporarily or whatever but idk the way they made it seem like he’s perfect in portland makes no sense to me. it’s as if the writers completely forgot he said he’s a chicago guy (which they didn’t because derek literally mentioned it in the muam interview lol, it’s just…bad writing.) also i still don’t understand what that look between the two of them when matt was hugging violet was. made no fucking sense whatsoever, like his smile literally dropped. i’m convinced that either there are scenes missing in between or it’s just weird ass writing once again. what was the point in matt saying i dont know?? like okay, i get it you cant tell but he didnt even bother reassuring her like he did in 10x05 (someone else mentioned this in my gifset as well). did the writers completely just forget everything that was said between them in the 200th episode? it's like we're back to 9x02 when matt said i dont know, like don't piss me off. when sylvie said its not her life blah blah, i almost think i threw my laptop out the window...everything that happened in s9, everything they've said to each other made it seem like they were it for each other, basically they cant be without each other etc etc, like miss me with that bullshit. haas and co. seriously forgot every single shit that happened between these two characters and are throwing unnecessary angst at them. like okay i get her family and work is in chicago no doubt, but when she said her life..i found it ooc and ill forever hate the writers for it for the rest of my life. this 55 second scene (i waited seven months for them to have a fifty fucking five seconds conversation lmfao) will annoy me for the rest of my life because of how stupid and angst hungry these writers are. i do not know what haas has planned for brettsey. i don't know whether or not they just left brettsey opened ended because they were gonna use hiatus to figure out whats going to happen. i dont know if theyre just gonna have them break up off camera and have sylvie mention that they did. i did not know there was a text limit so i will end it here but i am the number one derek haas anti <3 thank u for coming to my ted talk

[standarrow]

abbacchio essay under the cut because he’s so important to me (god this is so long im sorry i have adhd i hope this is readable<3)

tl;dr being on how i think he healed and handled up until part 5 :”) + thoughts on his relationship to the team

tw!!! for all of the usual things that pertain to his backstory including: [death, alcohol abuse, police, ptsd/depression, etc]

i may be projecting<3 its fine

to start:

im not a fan of the way a lot of people handle handle abbas trauma and illness. the "entering a relationship fixes your problems<3" shit. or the romanticization of depression...i see both a lot, along with utilizing his substance issues as like a catalyst. i dont have to say why that shit isnt ok or healthy.

getting into it (because i want it to be this deep):

there is ... a lot of guilt that he shoulders around the death of his partner. someone he was friends with (and relied on him as a literal partner) died because He fucked up. that person wanted to protect him and died selflessly while he'd broken his own morals and he feels like it should have been him to pay for it. 

but he wasnt. and now he suddenly has two mistakes and blood on his hands. getting fired doesnt even Begin to fix that, so he withdraws because he cant trust himself, cant trust the institution he was already disillusioned from, and imo hes angry that he didnt get punished worse for his own crimes (but cops always get off easy)

bruno finds him in the worst place of his life and gives him a chance to put schedule in his life, to protect even if its not in the way he originally thought he would. he still doesnt trust himself, i do not think he takes to working with a partner easily (what if he fucks up again. he'll get bruno/narancia/fugo killed.) and i think that reflects in why moody blues isnt meant for combat. combat = danger. 

obligatory moody blues being an allegory for his trauma and ptsd surrounding the death of his partner.. constantly haunted by his own mistake and reliving that moment. heavily referencing his wish to redo, to know every detail of that prick he let bribe him that killed his partner, to have Control. because abbacchio isnt really about The Moment -- he's making sure the Moment doesnt have a chance to come to fruition. its nipping it in the bud before the weed can kill. he wants to make sure he can figure out whats going on First and protect. to figure out past events and prevent future danger.

starting to heal:

i’ve done a timeline previously: he graduates high school in 1998, six months for the police academy, 6 months before hes out again.. joins passione in december (rainy season) of 1999, and by december of 2000 (~4 months before part 5) hes like.... well. doing better in terms of his alcoholism. we see abbacchio by part 5 occasionally and seemingly comfortably enjoying a glass or two, which speaks that after some time working hes sort gained some..... confidence in his ability to keep his intake low. 

working for bruno means he cant drink as often or binge as much, hes needed and that structure keeps him in check, its not easy and yes he slips but its about and overall upwards climb because any progress is good progress... he builds a rapport with the team, comes to appreciate brunos role in giving him a chance and some peace of mind, sees himself in fugo, treats narancia like a little brother. relationships with others cant Fix your problems but friendship and structure can help, they can be there when you need it.

hes starting to trust himself more. and his relationship to fugo and nara were as crucial as his one with bruno is.

in purple haze feedback we see that he's been teamed up with fugo, and he knows fugos stand ability very well (see mirror man fight)... they Get each other and abbacchio sees a lot of his anger and distrust at himself in fugo, and easily calms fugo down when he gets upset (see mirror man episode in the car) 

fugo helped him trust himself and others more .. that other people arent Fragile and arent going to die on him every time they get into danger and its not His fault. he relies on fugo and vice versa. the kid is powerful but also a smart tactician and extremely capable. they Get each other and it helps abbacchio trust himself in combat situations and helps calm his paranoia about getting someone killed while working ... and nara is just sunshine. hes an annoying little brother but it helps him retain normalcy. some sense of like. not everything is doom and gloom

his depression and general self? depreciation perhaps doesnt leave him because those kinds of thoughts mould your brain a certain way.. they dont just go away without some work. but perhaps time with bruno helps him start to realise his worth, the way the team appreciates him and his ability. his self consciousness can start to fall away a little bit. i think by the time december of 2000 (a year after his recruitment by my timeline) hes like... a lot more comfortable with the schedule of his life, it helps him get out of bed, gives his brain a structure to latch onto. the responsibility of overseeing the younger ones and helping bruno gives him the sort of hope for this original goal of wanting to protect

@ bruno (in a more romantic sense perhaps + why i think he distrusts giorno so much)

his relationship to bruno isnt fucking “godlike savior<3″ because thats.... needless to say Very unhealthy. 

their relationship doesnt reach a point by where i think Either would even want to enter a relationship until about a year in (~4 months before part 5 begins)... theres a certain uncertainty i think bruno has with wanting to help abbacchio, he respects and cares about the other man and canonically sees him as his senior.. and i think theres a certain wall there that bruno isnt sure he wants to try to knock down, meanwhile abbacchio isnt sure when he built those walls but theyre safe (and what happens if you try to reach out?)

i think they sort of fall into it and its not... planned. its a little impulsive but it feels natural and they help each other because bruno is this comfort to abba, is the reason he has this structure and has made this progress himself and hes not....crediting it all to bruno obviously but bruno did play a Large Role. and bruno is all about little white lies, appearances. Yes hes fine. Dont worry, he has things under control. 

and i think to an extent abbacchio knows of brunos softer spots (as does fugo, bc of the reason he and fugo team up as described in phf is to protect him) but abba doesnt realise to the extent that bruno is .... hiding his real fears. brunos a lot about compartmentalization (hi zippers) and being let into brunos internal... thoughts beyond the occasional worries he mightve shared is a big step for them. bruno buries a lot of his internal problems and worries. he has to. hes got to keep moving, keep working; people rely on him... but abbacchio is the person he doesnt feel like he needs to protect because theyre equals and maybe he can let someone in to shoulder his worries and vice versa. theyre partners.

which is why i think abbacchio initially distrusts giorno so much... its not tht he doesnt trust bruno, but bruno doesnt Tell him about this. he realizes he might not know all brunos fears (specifically @ his distate and hate towards the mafia i made the point about in the bruno isnt evil post where its like.. he Couldntve shared that information, otherwise he would endanger abbacchio)

and it scares him. it freaks him the fuck out because he doesnt understand who this kid is or why bruno trusts him so much but he trusts bruno so he goes with it, even if he doesnt Understand.

anyways thts my TEDtalk ty i love you for reading this if you got here<3

[varusai]

who do you think is the most dateable dark matter thief?? i know you have an opinion and i need to hear it

sorry for the late response anon i honestly had to think abt this one for a few days lmao, but yeah i have opinions. below the cut bc fr i have opinions, all of them have major pros and cons (based on my characterization at least) and really i just have to break it down for u

Boros, everyones obvious first choice, but certainly not mine.

Pros: rich, tall, pretty, fun af, passionate, will kill for you np, give you anything you want, literally anything.

cons: has a god complex, doesnt respect you, not his number one priority at all, will forget about you once its not interesting for him anymore, probably argumentative/combative af, is very very smart and has no problem manipulating you in all the worst ways, is very entitled so he will never feel bad about anything, cant win arguments either bc he’ll want to settle it with combat, will get offended over little things just to argue bc he thinks thats fun

this is a relationship you’d get into if you literally have nothing to lose and dont care about your mental health. like hes hot but this shit would be toxic af and he will ruin your life and leave you to go fuck around and fight someone on the other side of the universe. this will be the best of times and the worst of times for you and you will never be the same afterward mentally or emotionally. the only way i would even consider it is if i lost my damn mind. The only way a relationship with him would ever work long term is if you were physically stronger than him and were capable of putting him in his place OR you were smart enough, suicidal enough, and interesting enough to him to engage in some psychological warfare and reject him if he asked you. Make him chase you for years, say yes, then decide that /he’s/ boring /you/ and leave him for another member of the squad to just destroy their established hierarchy and humble him to the point that he’s obsessed with you.

i dont have the energy for all that, so i’ll just smash and pass.

0/10 completely undateable

Geryuganshoop, also a probable second choice for many:

pros: cute, nice, tentacle alien (obviously), will respect you np, will also give you anything you want, not antagonistic at all, telepathic communication so no risk of miscommunication, emotionally intelligent and available, loyal to a fault,

cons: horrible boss/best friend that you will have to listen to him vent about for at least 3 hours a day, complete yes man as well so he will not tell boros no or cut him off and you will be stuck dealing with this no matter what, severely mentally ill and wont go to therapy bc he thinks hes handling it well, workaholic, needs a lot, and i mean A LOT of attention

this relationship would be great if not for boros lol. boros sabotages his social and romantic life but geryu has been friends with him too long to either cut him off or establish boundaries. he has no backbone (figuratively and literally) and wouldnt even consider it. he’ll ignore you in favor of his job too, to a massive degree. also i think that while the telepathic communication would be a major plus in most cases, here i feel like i’d have no less than 16 different, never before seen on earth, mental illnesses projected right into my brain just from being within a certain radius of him.

im already fucked up enough in that sense so pass unfortunately.

it would be a yes without boros in the picture tho lmao

so prob like 4/10 iffy datablillity, 1 level increase with each decade of therapy he gets tho so a lot of potential :D

Groribas, my fav girl:

pros: straightforward, realistic, very clear expectations, will not fuck around with you whatsoever like there is no mind games or anything here, will kill for you, rich and non materialistic so she’ll basically just let you do whatever with her money since she doesn t care about it, cares about her job but like...a normal amount. she absolutely has a good work/life balance, highly organized so she will not forget important dates, loyal af and will defend your honor under any circumstances, mean but in a funny way, a ton of fun to hang out with if you’re into that, no eyes so i dont have to worry abt eye contact ever

cons: extremely high expectations, like exhaustingly high, and not even a bit of flexibility there, if you dont meet the cut its a no, she’ll let you know and leave same day, she will also bully you, you need a thick skin and great sense of humor to survive, bad at feelings if you need emotional support???? go elsewhere, shes mega emotionally unavailable, will probably want to share bodies as a form of intimacy

overall its a solid 6.5/10 dateability for me i love the directness and no bs approach, we would def get along well. however, while im not sensitive, shes def gonna hit on some insecurities at some point and it will cause an argument lol. but i mean whatever. it happens. the body sharing would be an issue though, same reason i wouldnt be chill with having a symbiote despite being a major venom fucker. i need my space i cant deal with that. so thats a possible deal breaker if she couldnt get over that lol. and she wont, so we wouldnt work out. i wish it fuckin would tho😭😭😭 i would take whatever crumbs of attention she would be willing to give me

Melzalgald, my fav they/them bastard:

pros: amorphous and shapeshifting aka extremely attractive according to my taste in monsters, tall af but could chose to be a more reasonable survivable size lol, self contained and self-entertaining so they dont need a ton of attention to be happy, funny af, rich, will give you whatever you want and probably a bunch of shit you didnt know you wanted, very fun, built in friend group if you didnt already have friends, extremely emotionally intelligent and great people skills due to living in a collective, stupid af by choice, like some of em are very smart, but they dont claim that, will say fuck work and tell boros to eat shit to spend time with you, will kill for you as well, but only if you ask them to bc their first inclination is to just bother someone to death, very loyal, once they like you they like you really forever, it would take some pretty extreme circumstances to make them dislike you

cons: annoying af and its unavoidable, will talk over you, all of them at once will talk over you and do so loudly, no respect for personal space, they dont even know what that is, will probably accidentally manhandle you, they act stupid but arent so they can be manipulative, even if it isnt bad and they dont really mean to be, impulsive, forgetful of the needs of organic creatures so they will bother you at all hours of the day and night if you arent firm with boundaries, disgustingly extroverted and will bring randoms to your place without asking, or just...make new cluster members and you have to roll with it, will eat or absorb literally anything you have, will antagonize and bother you for fun, major jump scare risk since sometimes the forms are....fleshy

this ones hard for me like theyre hot af and i feel like they’d be super fun and good partners, but god....the noise. idk how long i could deal with that lol i dont like people in my house. it would drive me up the wall, but then again...i can simply kick them out when ive had enough. they arent projecting mental illness directly into my brain or requiring me to share a body sintelligento major plus. creepy thing/symbiote style hot monster without any of the invasiveness so tbh 8/10 dateability

some people date loud annoying extroverts who dont understand personal space that /arent/ rich, loyal, or emotionally intellegent so i’d be winning on a few different fronts lmao

[neo-shitty]

toffee!

hehe glad i could make you laugh, oooh that sounds awesome! yeah id love to be tagged it sounds great :)

YES the differences are so fucking weird. like, they do know they're the same age right? i feel like its just an exagguration of how much the persons role in the group matters, like we see chan being held up as such a mature, old leader while jungkook who is literally the same age, is still babied etc. like enha hyung line is basically the same age (if a bit younger) as chenle and jisung but somehow the rules are different?? as you point out, still legal but still bizarre. hehe yeah, i mean where else are we going to rant? quora lol. mmm, hopefully more people can just write less smut abt people who are barely adults

ah, no prob it didnt take long. yeah i think thats right (i keep forgetting you know my url lol) mmhmm :( i think if that happened irl there would be some major trauma going on. knock wood it never happens to you or me lol (/hj)

hehe same! oooh glad Redemption For Cheese was realised! yess we cant rllycomplain that theyve written/produced too much good music lol. yeah, ive dragged him into being a stay so *dusts hands off* mission accomplished. mmm yeah, they tend to have a certain vibe but tbh it couldve worked if they were any other group but ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ ahh ur one step ahead of me on the stages of listening to ssick i think, still not convinced but thats okay! hehe, it had to be said. yesss the itch in the back of my brain is very satisfied by sorry i love you, felixs vocals deserve to be appreciated! (side note i feel like hes trying to sing more like his speaking voice, sorta husky, but tbh i wouldnt be mad if he sang like in glow, his sweet honey vocals made my life lol. but i think ive heard him say he doesnt like singing like that cos it makes his normal voice less husky, so what can you do)

> YES SOMEONE SAID IT. seungmin rap KING, he sped thru that rap like it was nothing, he deserves more rap lines. i do like how they gave minho some melodic rap lines this comeback, my guy deserved to show off those skills that made him not be eliminated (flashbacks to stay collectively wanting to murder jyp) and we already know changbin can sing, my man murdered masked singer. hyunjin can obviously sing as can jisung and felix, and i want to hear chan rap more! i feel like he started as part of 3racha (as a rap unit not producing) and then just became a vocalist (which im fine with, but it could be nice to hear him flex his rapping skills) and was partially replaced by hyunjin. anywayyy

back to album talk. lmaooo sad music to twerk to PERFECTLY describes silent cry. yes secret secret is and will always be, a masterpiece. hehe glad i could make you laugh :) i just felt like they have similar vibes. putting off skz stuff bc of not having time to cry IS the kpop stan life summarised. oh my beloved track, red lights. ahh thats okay, we can have different opinions, but by god the lyrics are *chefs kiss*. *banging on table* TWISTED AU TWISTED AU TWISTED AU. yess id love to see ur take on it! sdfghjkl it would have been glorious

no no! not stupid, just able to predict my brainwaves. ooooh thats so cool! makes me want to go there (wherever there is lol) yeah the waves are pretty good here, but none of my familys a surfer, so we dont rlly enjoy the full potential lol. YES moving on to gone away, it is indeed a heartwrenching track, but the vocals and the bloody key change? makes me want to brave being sad just to listen to it. mmm yeah, good point :( i feel like ive just gotten used to overthinking so much so that it doesnt matter what mood im in, ill do it anyway, so might as well just do what i feel like doing anyway.

yeah i think ur right! it is quite comforting knowing that all the tracks will get the love they deserve. i feel like also people assume kpop is just one genre which is utter bs. there are so many different vibes and feels and songs, i couldnt get into kpop (of which i thought only the bright cheerful present day bts stuff existed smh) until i heard gods menu so... idk where i was going with this but yeah. :)

YES FUCK YG, theyre literally on the brink of being kicked out of the big three and they are holding their salvation hostage without letting them do ANYTHING. idek what thought process goes thru their minds but arghhh its so infuriating. yess lisa's cb will be awesome but ot4 is the gold standard here.

hehe, glad u could get to this point. no no! u dont sound like a cult member at all lol yeah, i loooove some of their songs but the whole 23 members thing is getting to me. thats prob a common problem with nctzens but what can i say? im a simple girl with a limit to how many korean boys i can give my money to. atm im just trying to get into ateez and finish memorising enhypen's faces. also kard is kinda sucking me into their fandom atm, as well as eric name lol. ah what can you do? ooh thats good!

hehe i love it too! its exactly like online penpals, that was rlly well put. aww ty! hmm im okay, recovering from a bad case of rsv so thats fun. im doing okay mentally, starting therapy soon (after having to convince my mother that its not just smth i can brush off). physically i wont go into, basically i should be doing stretches to help but they dont completely fix it so my lazy ass doesnt do them, plus i got told recently im going to be stuck with this condition for the rest of my life so thats fun! ah, before you type smth dw abt me ill be fine. the weather atm is cloudy but warm, its been raining on and off today which is good for the garden. uhh i just finished reading sunburnt veils and im in the middle of prom theory which is rlly good. ummm ive got a concert tonight? that i may or may not be able to sing in (bc of the whole rsv thingo) and uhhhh idk. my dog is cute? im drinking tea rn? ive got a school dance coming up?

wbu? hows ur day going, how are you? whats the weather like on ur end? done anything interesting lately? found smth that makes you rlly happy? just any random thing youve been dying to tell someone?

no no! dont apologise, i love these exchanges. i think im happy to continue them for a long time :) on the other hand, if you get tired of them, feel free to just not answer at any time. goodness gracious this was a long ask haha hope it isnt too annoying

<3 w.a. 🐺

sorry it took me a bit to reply, i was fixing my theme ;n;

yeah, i figured it was because of the roles too. my friends and i still get taken aback when 3rd gen idols are the same age as 4th gen ones. in my head it doesn't add up sometimes. PLS THE RANT AT QUORA SKJDK tbh tho it's just going to be normalized as the years pass? esp that the boys are growing older and the amount of explicit fics will just increase. i might have to start blocking tags.

i had to look up the previous ask to remember what we were talking about xd i hope the events in champagne problems never happens to anyone. realistically, it probably happens a lot. damn i really won't wish that pain on anyone. dragging your brother into being a stay i whEEZED JFKSA additional noeasy music enthusiast o.o and ALL I CAN SAY WITH YOU GUSHING ABT FELIX IS AHA WHIPPEEEED OML can't blame you tho, i also want to hear felix sing more in other shades (if that makes sense HAHA) i really hope they'll do the role exchange in the next comeback :( or like in the near future bc i know they can do it :( the day i hear seungmin rapping it i will respectfully pass away. minho was given more lines this comeback thank fUCK i could rmb my irl being vocal abt her frustration. i don't get why minho barely has center time/lines in title tracks??? like the line distribution in the past eras just made me ???? if seventeen can balance lines with 13 members why cant a group of 8 do the same? moving on. i haven't watched the stray kids show simply bc i don't want to cry HAJS but i've seen clips. imagine if skz debuted without minho and felix?!?!? i rmb another irl catching bias feels towards changbin bc of the masked singer only to find out that the man's a rapper. i love how skz's vocals were highlighted this comeback :c there were a lot of mellow tracks! i find it cute when chan sings/raps bc it gets kinda obvious that he's a foreigner? the accent (im not even sure if it's the accent) it just shows. "putting off skz stuff bc of not having time to cry IS the kpop stan life summarised." CORRECT.

abt the twisted au o.O i'll inquire my irl if she wants to write it or not. if she doesn't want to, i'll do it. i miss writing twisted aus <3___<3 and i also miss going to the beach with my friends :' ) but it's starting to get cold here and i don't think i'll be able to enjoy the beach as much as i would if i went beaching in the summer. so maybe next summer? gone away really has an sm-ballad vibe. the thing about skz being a self-producing group, their songs don't sound like typical jype songs? and i just appreciate that bc in all honesty im not a fan of jyp groups at all. PLS the overthinking. i wish i could mute overthinking.

anyone who assumes kpop is just one genre obv hasn't listened to a single track. if kpop was just one genre why do i like some tracks more than the others??? oh you've only recently become a kpop stan? tbh im not a fan of the bright songs of bts either. i liked their older ones *chefs kiss* really matched high school vibes. yg has good artists and they're just wasting the talent ~.~ that strategy they have will get tiring eventually. people will stop waiting on blackpink and move on to newer more active groups ://

HAHAHAH yeah the 23 members is pretty overwhelming! it was the reason i didn't bother stanning before quarantine started. i don't regret stanning tho, met my ult bias in that group <3___<3 i don't really purchase albums unless i like the tracks xd ohhh getting into ateez just in time for the comeback! let me know what you think about them! i was fond of them at some point but grew out of it. good luck with memorizing enhypen! it took me a while to distinguish to people there XD i haven't checked out kard yet but chan plays their songs during lives and they're sexc hype music me likey *u*

i had to look up rsv im sorry. i'm glad you're recovering! please rest more and don't stress yourself out. bro i wish i could go to therapy too bc i have weird issues i can't justify and i need a professional to tell me what's the reason behind it. stuck with what condition btw? what happened? i'm sorry in case i just forgot. yesterday was a bit rainy for me too :(( it's not the type of rainy that makes me anxious so B) oh concert! good luck and i hope you'll be able to sing but i also don't think it's best for you rn :c what's your dog's breed? and yes i just finished drinking tea too. AAAAA i miss school dances :(( the last one i was supposed to have was cancelled bc of covid.

i was less productive today and i'm teetering between being mentally stable and becoming a hermit again. i'm anxious with a lot of things atm so like : D not the best state. today it was a bit sunny but not hot hot which was nice. i changed my theme today bc i couldn't wait for sept. 1st. and no i haven't found anything that makes me happy HAHAHA shit like that's hard to identify. don't have anything to say too, i'm just thinking about why i'm procrastinating too much atm T_T and i'm listening to this rap song atm and one of the rappers sounded like han.

it isn't annoying! i enjoy the long exchanges but i do admit it takes me awhile to type down a reply. so if i get more busy, it'll prolly take a bit longer for me to reply.

[littlebabycrybtch]

oh my god im sorry but i HATE reading analysis discourse so fuckgin much. its so annoying and unnecessary and cruel bc per usual ableists just Scream over everyone and manipulate the view by focusing on the wrong points. disrespect towards this issue is never gonna work and yall would get that if you actually listened to the way the (usually nd) people felt about it and why, but ur too busy mocking them so you look good for consuming the Proper Medias tm. i mean you literally have to know this isnt productive, yall keep going bc you get a kick out of laughing at ‘unintelligent’ people.

‘uu ur teachers didnt oppress u by making u read to kill a mockingbird instead of the hunger games” ok listen 1. media you dont personally care abt can still definitely hold depthful value and be analyzed. oh my god lmao. the people who prefer ~that kind~ of media arent stupid and dont prefer easy thinking, its your own fault for Not looking into it yourself and just assuming its worthless, literally judging a book by its cover. LITERALLY avoiding the analysis skills you claim to have by assuming anything you read in highschool = smart, valuable and anything mainstream = stupid and useless. most books inherently contain symbolism and morals, a lot of these people CAN understand it, theyre just criticizing the inaccessibility of the writing that was forced on them academically. the people analyzing those medias instead of your favs are still taking in lessons even if they prefer to do it in a different format, i mean for instance THG is literally about fucking classism and racism and war you dumb hypocritical tunnel vision bitch, young adult media usually has a Lot of real world parallels in it that very much pertains to how teens see the world, thats the literal POINT, just cuz ur too elitist and dont respect children enough doesnt mean some books are ‘too stupid’ to analyze with any real social value, and 2. A BOOK NOT BEING EXCITING... OR EASY TO UNDERSTAND... IS LITERALLY SMTH VALID TO CRITICIZE IN MANY CASES, ESPECIALLY IF YOU ARE GIVING IT TO CHILDREN.... if a kid says “this is boring/too long/uses words that i dont know, so i cant make any sense of it” that doesnt always mean theyre lazy or w/e, if its not a book made for kids (bc kids can understand mature themes but that doesnt. mean you can just throw all the other skills they arent experienced with yet at them, they still need writing tailored to them), Thats your first problem, but sometimes ur book is just fucking boring all together. a book can have as much symbolism as it wants, if its not there to open the mind and provide necessary depth, but to feel self important and make you feel self important for getting it, thats not a good book. and with books i do respect now like TKAM i remember outright saying, “i literally cannot read this and dont get it at all” at like 10 yrs old, and my teachers didnt do shit to explain it or help me or give me any skills at all, they were just like. :) keep trying!! according to your scores we know you can do it!!! so, i did not keep trying, i gave up, and i guarantee if it had been a few years later it would have been easier. if i had been given the opportunity to read stories with similar morals that were made for my age range that i WANTED to read, i guarantee i wouldve gotten so much more out of that. but i was literally DISALLOWED, bro if i grabbed a book that actually interested me, i was told i couldnt check it out at ALL unless it was in the ‘range’ i was assigned, which was college level since i was in 4th grade. so if you think i shouldve kept reading, im being unironic rn, you need to go get a degree, become a teacher, and if a kid or teen says to you what i said, sit them down and TEACH THEM without shame, and fight for better regulations of what reading levels can be pushed on what age groups. if lit analysis is this important to you, FUCKING TEACH IT PROPERLY, that is literally the ONLY REAL SOLUTION to the problem you have, NOT SHAMING the people who were ALREADY FAILED BY THE SYSTEM.

the problem is not ‘idiots think symbolism is stupid’ the problem has ALWAYS been ‘the education system is flawed and how and when children are taught certain skills is so corrupted and damaging, the children growing up with it cannot Help but struggle later in life, and your issue should be with the system”. like can i be real. learn how to Emotionally ~analyze~ posts from sad kids with mental illnesses saying smth as basic as “i wish i wasnt forced to read mature books as a child without any themes pertaining to me at all bc it hurt my already fragile motivations for learning :/” without your ass getting defensive over the classics. bitches stan ‘the door is red to symbolize anger’ but think thg is just a stupid dystopia love triangle book................ ur not even that smart like yall are just elitist like LITERALLY just elitist if you mock the values ppl see in other books and claim theyre too stupid to understand ~real books~. a fucking mickey mouse cartoon could hold the exact same moral lesson as a 1200 page novel written by a college professor of 30 years, like the Exact Same Conclusions CAN be drawn no matter how many words and analogies and metaphors are thrown on top!! for many those fancy details make it more enriching but its literally possible to get the same concepts from “EASIER” material, that is not Lesser it is ACCESSIBLE and it should be ENCOURAGED all the same. yall are gatekeeping and its stupid, if you actually want ppl to analyze media then you’d applaud how they analyze their passions even when you dont share it, not shame them for struggling with understanding other stories. this rly boils down to either ‘i hate ppls preferences and wanna make them feel stupid’ OR the ever so lovely ‘i hate whiny disabled ppl and kids who were pressured to the point of burnout, and wanna make them feel stupid’. its fucking exhausting. idc how you guys feel, you talk to hear yourselves talk and its all just talk and nothing helpful, your disrespect doesnt work bc its an echo of the root problem. for gods sake shut up already lmao

[mollydollyjournals]

Its Thursday 1st July and I hit post limit so all I can do is update this post

I just want to drink til i pass out

9:46pm - oh when did i post this? Doesnt matter i guess. It really annoys me that the daily post limit applies to all blogs you have. I have 2 and i follow a lot of NSF- stuff so i have so much in my queue for my other blog, and i tend to post more immediately for that so i dont end up with a massive backlog, but thaats when i hit the limit. Whatever it is. I basically just wish i could set the queue to post more often when i have more there. Just post every 15mins or whatever and it'd go through quicker without me having to do it myself

Idk it doesnt matter i guess. Im still just venting all my bullshit here that i cant put anywhere else. But now is when i need it. I want interaction and company but i dont want to bother anyone and I dont know what to do with it. I dont have it in me to try to be a person right now. Tumblr is for messy. At least thats how i do.

But once you hit post limit it apparently doesnt even let you delete stuff to post anything else. I havent been here in years really so i totally forgot. Plus it could have been different anyway. Idk. Guess i will just drink until i disintegrate or something

10:20pm - it just makes me feel worse. I know theres a reason for post limit and its not the end of the world. Just it doesnt reset til 5am and I'll be asleep by then which means for the rest of today i cant actually say anything, and that kinda fucks with my derealisation/depersonalisation/whatever it is. I need acknowledgement to feel real. I need people to remind me that i exist. Even just a little. Its stupid and insecure but i do. Everything is worse since covid and being stuck in a house with someone who barely acknowledges my existence. I feel like a ghost. I feel netter at least a little temporarily if someone just sees and acknowledges me. And currently i can't do anything about that. Nobody is going to go to my page(s) and see whats up, its not that kind of thing. Even if it was they still wouldnt. I put on my other social media fucking ages ago that i was really struggling, then i disappeared, and it took days for it to get noticed at all. Then only 3 people acknowledged it. People have their own lives and there are algorithms etc so i cant be angry at them, but the end result is i still feel really alone.

I often feel like i want to just talk to people. Only a select few. Its not that i necessarily need to talk about "deep" stuff, but i need to know that i could if i needed to. Or if we just both happened to be in that mood at the same time. Like how i dont wanna talk about something totally innocent and generic with someone who turns out to be racist or whatever.

I dont know. Maybe i do need to talk some shit through right now. Doesnt matter either way. Ill most likely just be back to this post later to say more about how i dont really feel like being alive.

10:39pm - I hate that im like this. I dont know if its reasonable or not. I used to be someone who wantes so much space. I still dont feel like i want to always be around people. I must have some individuality somewhere. But i cant find it. Since the pandemic hit especially, it just highlighted everything ive been missing and trying to supplement. I need things to change. But i dont have a hope of doing so while i feel like this. Im so lost. Ive spent my life trying to be confident in myself and ive run my reserves dry. I so rarely get any help topping up. I fucking hate the whole Strong Black Woman trope. Im tired. Ive carried my family since I was 13 and romantic partners have expected me to carry them too. I need to be held and comforted. I need support. If nothing else i need to just be acknowledged. I dont feel like a person. Im invisible and inaudible so much of the time and apparently that only changes when someone wants to see or hear me. When do i get to be a person in my own right? When does someone actually see or hear me for who i am and care about my existence regardless of what it does for them

10:54pm - its the worst of my mental health, tbh, that i dont feel like its worth trying anything if its not going to be acknowledged and welcomed by anyone else. Existing included. I feel my worst and most suicidal when i cant have anyone remember that i exist. Because maybe i dont. Maybe people dont miss me or think of me unless theyre reminded for some specific reason. And i say these things because i want to be proved wrong but why would anyone.

I want to cut. I hate this stupid post limit. I could have at least distracted myself by reblogging stuff for a bit. Im still spiralling. I need a distraction and there isnt one and there wont be one and if i even get through tonight itll just be another reminder that in the end im alone

11:24pm - something feels particularly cruel about not being able to post here, even if i delete stuff. Its just an app sure but its the closest thing i have to therapy. I came back here specifically because i was struggling posting on my regular social media and having people not pay any attention. I thought id make a fresh anonymous account where i could vent and my shitty brain couldnt take it personally if nobody acknowledged it. Now i just have all that shit going round my head and nowhere to put it. Im right back where i started. Nobody will read this. If they do they wont care. If by some chance they did they'll be put off by me being so negative.

"One day someone will hug you so tight all tour broken pieces will fit back together" yeah sure. Whatever.

[macklives]

hey so this is gonna be a long-ish one. ive decided its been far too long since i did a session, and we did so many i can often forget what happened. i started in july and im pretty sure its been more than half a year now since this whole blog happened. and in that time, we’ve gone through 88 sessions and i want to know if i remember the relevant plot points and what we got up to in the last few sessions. a refresh/reminder if you would.

so i hereby commence my own little recap of act 5 because yeah no, its too much to do a recap of everything and i have andrew for that after every few acts. but i wanna refresh my mind on act 5 for now. so here we go.

1. alternia.. fucked up place. but its a place the trolls live on so what are we gonna do about it? overthrow the government? seems about right, lets do that with the next troll that gets introduced and if its not kanaya idk what andrew is doing by not having introduced the best troll yet. why the long wait? it was the second introduced? i honestly expected it to go in order when i first read act 5, because first we had karkat talk to jade which was the first new piece dialogue in the comic besides the main kids, but then we had kanaya with rose, which was followed by tavros, then terezi (iirc). so id assume we were following that order but nope karkat got fully introduced, then this random fucking juggalo called gamzee made its way into the comic. imagine my surprise.

2. theres been terminology throughout act 5, that i do not fucking know and will not remember and probably never will. like tf is a perigee again? i made a doc somewhere ill probably find it.

3. karkat’s introduction... short but very sweet. and by sweet i mean we got to know the depths of the angry edge lord. and by depths i mean karkat got angry at gamzee for typing in a way that he didnt like so he yapped like a chihuahua. nah, but seriously, i do like karkat tho, hes growing on me but only bc hes a bitch baby and his whole personality makes me want to mock him so thats the reason im not that annoyed and think hes funny, and the most harmless troll. even more so than tavros. and thats saying something. 7.5/10 bc im generous.

4. then gamzee... the high juggalo troll who has the worst typing quirk imo, i cannot for the life of me read it. but hes chill, i actually really like gamzee. hes funny and the least problematic as of right now. 8.5/10.

5. terezi’s introduction next i think. she likes playing as a lawyer with her stuffed dragons, ie by roleplay, shes blind, can see through licking, and she likes eating chalk, maybe its even nutritious. shes good. 9/10. 

6. uhh in the process of these intros, there are teams being made? karkat joins gamzee and terezi in, i THINK, the red team?? bc terezi likes red?? could be wrong, i dont remember the teams except that its red/blue to represent sollux’s duality in those colors. terezi then tries recruiting AC but AC is like lol sorry i have to ask this friend of mine who has authority over me for some goddamn reason and terezi goes yuck tf i hate that guy................... yeah thats all we have on the teams. pretty sure sollux had smth to do with karkat about the making of the leaders, and they did the “i hate me” and the “no i hate me more than u hate u” or whatever the fuck that was. they got embarrassed afterwards and deleted their messages. im pretty sure they have no messages because everything ends up being mutually deleted so their logs are actually empty. ngl, kinda enjoyed their convos, made me appreciate their characters. i hope we get more because its good content. i also dont know what order this whole thing is in, who contacted who first? couldnt tell you. ill remember later on. and since im basing this off from memory alone, gotta deal with what i remember. uhhhh so yeah. we havent met all characters yet so the teams have not been officially decided but we got the bases, which is that.

7. god i found it, and the only thing im looking at right now is the terminology list i made and what the fuck?? what the fuck?? you miss a few weeks and suddenly the word nubslurping comes up and you forget what the fuck youre reading.

8. im PRETTY SURE aradia is seen after that whole team fiasco?? or its sollux... maybe. wait. its sollux, right. i just knew someone gets introduced mid way through is all. actually, someone gets introduced after every 20 pages. i have no idea. but ik aradia and sollux go hand in hand.

9. oh shit. OH SHIT! RIGHT! I REMEMBER! so this occurs in the latest session i did, and not the beginning of act 5, but AG and aradia team up, right?? and sollux fucking gets manipulated by them and ??? idk??? they make him find the game, reprogram it and then make him believe its going to end the world (which in hindsight is true, but anyways) so he refuses to play it which was AG’s plan all along so she steps up and becomes leader in his place. but aradia says sollux will still play the game no matter what, but she never went through with the plan for AG but it was apart of a prophecy? that sollux wouldnt be the leader at all? that he’d still play? but it had to go according to plan so it could succeed??? we just dont know why yet. anyways, point being, she still cares for sollux since she did it for him rather than for AG. and thats what i recall. god tf i forgot about that whole drama until writing down “sollux and aradia go hand in hand” which gave me violent flashbacks to the memory.

10. oh and id give aradia 9/10 and sollux 7/10. i do like sollux but if i put him higher than karkat, id get crucified. so im keeping them around the same.

11. man i really like sollux and aradia tho, i may have put him at 7, but i really like their dynamic and i really hope they make up and aradia explains herself about AG. because from one side it looks shitty. and while sollux is rude and never makes up his mind, he apologized to aradia after going off, and that was the only time ive seen him be sincere, so im pretty sure he cares for her to some extent. and i think its somewhat mutual? considering the whole “did it for him” thing. man, i see potential because i actually like both their characters. theyre well written. may not have the best personalities, but i appreciate well written characters and homestuck has the best ones ive seen in a while.

12. oh shit, hell yeah, the more i write, the more im connecting the dots and remembering. however, the more i write, the more i want to just make an analogy post but thats not for now. jesus christ its not all about analogies, mack, this is a recap. but.. how does andrew do it? to not go off track??? hard. telling ya.

13. anyways, didnt we break the fourth wall at some point and have the demon gods or whatever the fuck speak to us in third person for the first time in the comic, after having only gone into second person narrative, right after we were introduced to sollux and his “virus”? the uh, the phrase “the demon was already here” was said, or something along those lines. first line in homestuck to give me the creeps ngl and i appreciate it bc it gives me motivation to know what the fuck its about. its cool bc you have no idea where its going and it sure doesnt have anything to do with the current plot, since the trolls’ session/game doesnt have fucking demons so im curious as to what the fuck that was about. and if i really have to make a theory, i feel it has something to do with aradia’s voices in her head which also connect to the gods rose heard when she started disregarding rules and told dave to look at derse without listening to music bc it was as if he was purposely blocking away their calls. like holy shit, that gave me the shivers. while i do want to know more about wtf happens after act 4, trolls are taking priority right now. just like we did with the intermission. no discussing the kids unless necessary. treat this as its own separate comic. and THEN we can connect.

14. ANYWAYS, tavros’ intro???? that comes afterwards?? with the fiduspawn that made me gag a little on the inside? yep. remember that. fuck that lol. -1/10 but tavros himself is MAYBE a 6/10? i wish we explored his character more in his intro bc right now he just looks like a character made only to be a victim rather than have any depth and i feel thats robbing someone of their full potential. give me more personality andrew, rather than a quivering boy who falls prey to bitches. im expecting more throughout the comic honestly and i hope he gets growth so hes not looked as a “victim” but rather his own character. he is still sweet, and i like him because i want to protect him, but id rather have more info, you know what i mean?

15. oh hell. kanaya had a chainsaw at some point. that made me happy. and didnt she cut off tavros’ legs?? and he got robot ones? and some creepy dude was looking and we called him saggy tits bc hes sagittarius? right? neat. that did happen. pretty sure saggy tits is ACs friend that tells her what to do. the more u know. OH and they all have colored blood similar to their text colors lol. that i remember... so tavros has brown, terezi has blueish green, um. karkat has grey the loser. and apparently it forms a rainbow which is nice. rainbow is good.

16. i dont remember anything else actually

17. wait no i do. AG appeared. shes a petty bully. idk what to say about her. we didnt get that much, except that she hates tavros but is okay with aradia. she also looks like a bottle opener. actually, i think she teamed with aradia to gain leadership rather than to “be friends”. and while that is similar to how karkat did it, meaning the gain, the motivation and how they earned it is entirely different. kinda seeing a trend tho. the leaders of the red/blue teams are both characters who wanted the role, but never had it to begin with. only to win their way into the position. but rather than ask non-stop like karkat did, AG manipulated others so she could be successful. not too sure if she also used aradia for that, or is actually motivated to become friends since they were “past enemies” and she needed a rebound. pretty sure its somewhat both. while AG did mostly use aradia to speak with sollux, what she doesnt know is that aradia is a bad bitch who never even thought about AG and only followed through with the plan bc she had a plan of her own. i guess we’ll look into that later. i lowkey want to know their history.

18. OH AC!!! she appeared for a second as well. love her. shes amazing. 9.5/10. and you may ask yourself, why am i saying “i love this character” but none of them are 10/10?? weellllll its because, and i cant stress this enough, 10/10 belongs to kanaya, i dont make the rules. im waiting for her introduction, shes my favorite and its obvious. sorry.

19. oh huh seems i forgot about the term “lusus”. which.. is.. their parents but not really, its these fucking weird ass creatures that the trolls fought in a cave or something as a child. i dont fucking know. terezi hatched hers and it died? gamzee’s also died but his goat sea dad was never really there to begin with so while it is sad, its more sad that gamzee never saw him? um.. karkat killed his own by exploding his computer bc sollux said dont run the virus and karkat said u cant tell me what to do and did it anyways. so thats on him. but apparently theyre supposed to die, to become prototyped during the game, right? yeah. i remember now.

20. thats.. about it? idk anything else, nothing is coming back to me apart from the shit above. huh.... im surprised how quickly things do come back to you the moment you rant about the plot tho.... handy trick.

cool. neat. fun. this took me too long. but im glad i remember a little bit.

[zuzuslastbraincell]

Katara!

KATARA KATARA KATARA

why I like them

oh god where do i even start. katara just contains so many multitudes - she's sweet and feminine and caring and attentive but she's never reduced to just that, she's never just 'the girl', she's also allowed to get mad, to be petty, to laugh at her brother, to be headstrong and stubborn, to express vulnerability, to cry and to laugh, to make ridiculous facial expressions and *be* very expressive. she's dealing with a lot of trauma not simply from the loss of her mother but that loss represents also how her tribe have been decimated by the fire nation, how she's the last waterbender, how all this pressure exists on her shoulders (but also pride, but also determination, to bring it back) and that is expressed subtly throughout the series with the same depth and love that male characters are afforded with regard to their respective traumatic experiences. and despite all this she never tries to stop making the world good? She's always pushing for change, she's always wanting to make things better, she's relentless and doesn't give up when it comes to her vision for a better world... she has such a big heart. and that coexists with a deep anger in her, and deep hurt. Not to make an ocean metaphor so early on but she's as deadly and deep as the ocean but she chooses to be kind and warm and that's so powerful.

why i don't

honnestly while katara's instincts to mother people are a sad symptom of how she was forced to grow up to soon and automaically asigns herself a role of emotional responsibility she has mixed feelings about, i know that if katara tried to mother me, i would be annoyed. but that sounds more like a me problem.

favourite episode

oh it's either the episode where she beats the fucking shit out of pakku or it's the southern raiders. the first one because it's so gratifying to see how she's grown and developed as a bender and really come into her own. the second because... god i love how *messy* the southern raiders is, and it really taps into what i love about katara - she's flawed, she runs off on an ill-thought out revenge mission with zuko, she's got a great capability for darkness as she quite seriously considers murdering a man she has every right to loathe and to kill - but she chooses against it, in the end. it would not be right for her, if not him. she chooses what's right for her in the end.

favourite season

I'm gonna be a wee bit controversial and say book 1 had the best conception of katara's arc from student to master and really saw her grow and flourish, from someone yelling at her brother' oafish prejudice to a real master, that really solidified her as an idealist and presented that as the strength that is, that showed her struggling with petty jealousy of aang's progress and had her stumble in ways that made her character comeplling and interesting - like what an introduction to her character! book 2 had some fantastic moments but i can't think of anything particularly remarkable about hee character arc - largely because it tied into aang's romantic arc i think at this point. book 3 had some absolutely fantastic moments (scam queens katara and toph!! painted lady!! southern raiders!! the final agni kai) that really shone but also book 3 lays a lot of groundwork for fanon i hate (e.g. katara as the mom friend - wish that headcanon would die tbh)

favourite line

fuck there's a lot of good ones but my underrated fave is when sokka says he's kissed a girl before but she's never met her and katara says 'Who? Gran-gran? I've met gran-gran' and it's bruuutaaall

but my favourite serious line is 'I will never ever give up on people who need me'. powerful.

favourite outfit

water tribe anything!! and i actually think her book one/book two braids are her best hair. underrated katara hair. personally she looks just adorable in her parka in the flashback to when she was like. eight.

OTP

katara/personal fulfilment

katara/happiness

katara/fulfilling her goals and dreams

katara/loving minor background character who is never named

there's some ships i like in AU situations - yuetara is actually one i lov, especially with waterbender yue, i just love the whole sea/moon thing as well as katara and yue rebelling in loud/quiet ways, being girlfriends who refuse to have their lives defined by the expectations of older men, who have a great sense of duty towards their nations and won’t let gendered expectations stop them.

and most of you know i like the messy drama of katara/azula in a lighter AU situation where they're like, school or academic rivals, and the legacy of imperialism isn’t quite so personal (and azula makes better choices, obviously), but it’s not as much as i “ship” them as i just find the potential dynamic interesting, they’re both driven by a sense of duty for their home, it’s just that means *very* different things depending if you’re SWT or FN.

none of them are OTPs though - they’re more just fun thought experiments

brotp

katara & sokka - absolutely love their sibling dynamic its amazing. both have been impacted negatively by the shit in their lives and are not always dealing with it in functional ways but theyre there for each other, through thick and thin, always have each other's backs, they roast each other and bicker and sometimes make stupid decisions and sometimes lash out but at the end of the day their love pulls through, they’re able to work past those conflicts.

katara & aang - honestly while i feel kataang was just so poorly executed in the show (listen guys I just can’t after ember island players, i know that was a bad episode, but i can’t) & i cant imagine katara wanting to leave the south pole after the war for long spells (it would have to be long distance love, lots of profound and heartfelt letters and occasional visits, if anything, but i dont know if that’s what katara wants or needs? so maybe it wouldn’t pan out?), but regardless, i really do think these two had a life-changing friendship where each really represented hope for each other, that's at the core of it, they both truly believe in each other, and inspired each other. katara & aang good.

a headcanon

chief katara anyone?? chief katara?!?! 

oh oh OH i also think that katara, while primarily a combat bender during the war, actually takes to healing a lot more after the show and gets proper healing training at some point with the help of a trained medical expert and maybe yugoda. tbh i feel like the show was a bit dismissive of healing as an ability - i feel like having that is *extremely* useful in any combat situation, you always have a medic on hand - but i understand why katara, who wanted to be recognised as powerful regardless of her gender, and wanted to hold herself in a fight alongside sokka & aang, pushed for combat waterbending training because that is what 'powerful' looks like to her in the moment. obviously katara is capable of incredible healing feats (see: saving aang) but i think given we see her as a healer in lok (not a decision i necessarily disagree with) would mean a shift in focus. i think katara actually comes to realise she likes healing a great deal, but really she excels in all aspects of waterbending and is the south’s most respected master who helped rejuvenate southern style waterbending  

unpopular opinion

the main reason people think katara is straight is because we see her have very few meaningful interactions with other girls outside of toph. ATLA as a show is a bit romance obsessed, and very heteronormative in that regard, and so interactions with minor characters almost always line up with a potential crush for sokka or katara, and later, zuko (suki, haru, jet, yue, song, jin....). we rarely see katara build friendships with other girls and it’s such a damn shame.

(anyway bi katara for life)

a wish

the version of the puppetmaster we saw was actually fire nation propaganda, i feel like katara would have felt deep compassion for a prisoner of war and after maybe some clashes, would have agreed to help smuggle her out of the fire nation and secure passage home for hama, and tried to assure her that she still has a place there. the treatment of hama in that episode was awful (but also hama was written to be almost cartoonishly evil, very much an evil witch in her cottage in the spooky woods? like the whole horror movie / spooky story opening was such a big tell) and tbh i reject the thesis that we saw ‘katara’s dark potential’ in that episode completely, or that bloodbending as a power is inherently dark, or katara’s use of it to stop hama ‘corrupted’ her. I feel like katara might feel this way as a teenager perhaps but with time (she can be a little black and white at times), and especially with more training as a healer, i think she might realise that’s not the case, she’ll realise that she was right to try and oppose hama, her elder (she was lashing out rather than really trying to oppose the fire nation), and it wasn’t a betrayal of her or her beliefs, but also her use of bloodbending wasn’t wrong or evil inherently at all? and maybe she’d find ways to use it for healing purposes? anyway my wish is that, i like the idea that they meet again, speak about their differences, reconcile a little / come to an understanding, and katara learns more from hama again

an oh-god-please-don't-ever-happen

anything where katara’s character is reduced to a comforter or a healing device for a man and his trauma. particularly zuko. (they don’t have that dynamic in canon thankfully, zuko would never, zuko respects her too much)

5 words to describe them:

idealistic, hard-working, powerful, headstrong, kind

my nickname for them:

chief. or comrade. :^)

[mousehole5000]

okay im rewriting tgcf (only in my head im lazy) here are my notes on hua/lian specifically this is long bc fuck it. major spoilers obviously and same trigger warnings as the content of the book

disclaimer disclaimer disclaimer that i dont know anything about the cultural background of anything in tgcf or story tropes etc etc this is just I Think It Would Be Neat If..

there’s not really any reason to keep hc as a kid in the backstory BUT in the story in the intro (which i like narratively) it still says that it was a child who xie lian caught. it’s one of those things that got added to the legend to make xie lian seem even more noble, there are also probably a few other inaccuracies in the intro that get found out as the story progresses. in actuality hc was kind of a known troublemaker to the city guards or whatever or had been in the past. maybe his mother just passed after a long illness and his tumble off the wall was intentional. either way he’s kind of pissed at xie lian for saving him. xie lian is concerned about his health so he has to stay at the palace for a while he recovers and only interacts with xie lian a few times. there is a point where he says out loud all the things about the divide between the rich and the poor that have been illustrated by the scenes with mu qing. feng xin tells him to shut up but mq goes dead silent bc he kind of agrees but can’t say and does have his loyalty to xie lian (its a whole thing) and the resentment begins

also i think young hc’s personality is similar to his personality in the present but a bit more reserved and he’s got like this plucky streak or something. also he is unquestionably gay

anyway hc sneaks out of the palace and xie lian catches him obviously but they have a brief little heart to heart where xie lian is like “look you can go if you want here take this money food” etc and demonstrates that he has actually listened to what hc has to say and hc is like “wow no one other than my mom has ever listened to me in my life so thats what that feels like i kind of like it” and he probably is a bit awestruck by xie lian in different ways and after that is like “okay this kingdom sucks but.. that guys not so bad”

sad ironic sense that if xie lian hadnt ascended until he was older he may have actually be able to do something about the problems in the kindgom but alas we have a cycle to perpetuate

the “take me as the meaning of your life” scene still happens p much the same but xl doesnt recognize hc who is actually now at his lowest point. hc tried to find ways to make things better for people like him but he simply did not succeed (maybe his were efforts quashed by the corrupt authorities? its implied probably) and he’s more disillusioned with the kingdom and life than ever but still is holding on to those memories of xie lian as proof that it doesnt have to be like this but that thread is slipping until!! whose fucking voice is that??? thats right its the one person you ever believed was truly good and went and proved you right by ascending to the heavens at age 17!!! guess its time to stan him forever

anyway hc joins the army but legally or whatever and tbh i would have hated the flower cave scene regardless of anything i just hate any sort of s*x pollen trope or anything so thats gone (they can have a wound tending scene or something tho thats the good shit) and instead we have HL getting overwhelmed by some other demons or something together and xie lian protects hc and they both get injured very badly (maybe hc would lose a limb but im not sure how that would work once hes a ghost so thats on hold for now until i figure it out) and xl is fine but this situation ends up being part of why mq kicks hc out of the army but yes hc still ends up dying on the battlefield anyway </3

the wuming stuff is the same i think but also at some point xl is despairing and says something about that guy he saved from falling and wonders what happened to him and fire ghost wuming is like !!!!! (wait does this happen in canon? honestly it should)

in mount tong’lu i was tempted to actually have hc have a similar moment to the bamboo hat scene with the humans who are trapped in there but im not sure if i just want it to be the same as xie lian’s story... also i like the idea of hc needing to hang onto his devotion to get through his first few centuries of being a ghost so maybe he’s just inspired by xie lian’s sacrifice with the sword and the souls and thats why he claws his own eye out as a sacrifice

so this can go one of two ways from here!!! both are me projecting hardcore so take them with a grain of salt im not saying im right about the way relationships should be these a re just my thoughts <3

1. (the not fun one but it still has a happy ending) the story more or less continues the same as canon. pure and simple devotion is what carries hc through the centuries. we get to see some ghost city antics and its fun but there is nothing complicated about the devotion hc just wants to find xl and protect him. hualian eventually meet. they get along pretty well!! eventually there are cracks. when you hold someone in your mind for so long you have expectations for them that no person can meet consistently. hc thinks that since he’s seen xl during the worst time in his life that he can handle anything but it turns out that as amazing as xl is, he is also just a person and sometimes he is wrong or irrational or annoying. xl is so happy to have someone who will listen to him talk that he kind of neglects to really get to know who hc is as a person and hc is kind of like “huh i didnt expect this but im kind of hurt. i genuinely thought that i just wanted to serve and protect you but actually im my own person and this is weird” but he doesnt say anything he thinks he has to stick to his promise and it gets kind of uncomfortable!! maybe his luck goes haywire bc his faith gets rocked for the first time ever and they end up having to talk it out but their relationship is stronger for it <3

2. (i think this one is fun) hc struggles with waiting. he does it but its hard. he has doubts and when all his efforts to find xl are fruitless he starts to grow bitter and curses the day that xl saved him. his faith burns low but doesnt go out. then ghost city!! hc realizes that he can finally help people like him, even if theyre ghosts now and hes grateful for the chance to do this and grateful to xl and resigns himself to waiting. but its still hard!! he realizes that his luck is tied to his devotion and gets kind of pissed about it!!! he tries to remember all the good things about xl but its hard!!! his search becomes more about repaying a debt so he can be free than anything else, he just wants to help the common people spirits with no strings attached (this actually allows him to keep his luck bc he has the same wish as xl and thats what makes him a true believer!! is this corny? does it make sense? i dont care) and so eventually when he finds xl he’s like okay how quickly can i repay this debt/how can i keep my powers but then xie lian is... so good... and hc actually really likes him he remembers why he swore his devotion in the first place. now hes conflicted!!! dont worry they fall in love tho <3

wow this was really long if you read this hiiiii. anyway when i reread ill try to pay more attention to yin yu and he xuan for hc’s 800 years. hua cheng we’re gonna get you some friends and lore i swear to god

[queer-rat]

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