#i dont want anything to do with augur

[magpieinstitute]

I just finished my second listen of the Night Shift podcast and I cannot express how badly I want to hang out at the shop. Like, it would instantly be my favorite place on this earth. And it's 24 hours so I can be writing my papers in the middle of the night! And there's nice people!

This whole world just feels very vibrant to me, in a way that makes me a little homesick for a fictional place.

[massiveladycat]

i will never get over people laughing at octavian's death personally,,, he was SHOT INTO THE AIR!!! thats so painful. all the burns and the impact, plus being flung from a cannon and probably slamming into gaia (literal earth goddess) plus festus (gigantic metal dragon, i bet that HURT) and leo (pretty sure leo was burning)

he was a kid and he was annoying to some people and he was usually antagonized but he didnt deserve to die OR go out in that way. the gods are a thousand times worse than octavian, and apollo told him that he'd be a savior of new rome, but people still justify them. not to mind there are much worse people in the PJO universe (gabe, LUKE)

octavian ily they could never make me hate you EVER. idc what you say he could have been redeemed. did he do bad things? yes. but he was so deeply influenced and the day meeting with leo and the others, in which i remind you octavian literally was watching new rome get blown up (no wonder he was livid, his home was on FIRE).

like come on. octavian is a complex character and people aren't willing to admit that he could've been better and he was just a literal teenager in the sake of hating him because everyone else/pjo characters hate him.

he is such a tragic character imo because he grew up in new rome and all he wanted to do was protect it (and he was highly ambitious and aiming for praetor, i won't deny the fact that he was selfish but that is a quality that can be REDEEMED) and sure the way he went about it was messed up but most of his actions (except killing that one centurion) were justifiable

btw im not saying octavian's like an angel or anything im pretty sure i remember him "killing" a 5th cohort centurion once but then she was revived which . . . what was the point of that?? was it just to like make us hate him more?? huh??? and then was it even ever talked about again?? also yeah he blackmailed hazel thats not good also judging from the wikipedia it only said frank suspected octavian because.. he didn't have his spear?? what?? reminder that there is proof that a lot of pjo characters are unreliable narrators and for all we know octavian could've screwed up somehow and left his spear somewhere (just saying i'd do that too ngl)

also "I am the savior of Rome! I was promised!" i didnt know why but that quote DESTROYED me but now i know that it was because he genuinely believed he was doing the best for new rome and he'd finally have someone's praise and they'd praise him like they praised percy and reyna. pretty sure his mental state was not very good in that scene either and nico and will just let him shoot himself out of an onager on accident. also are we just going to gloss over the fact apollo told him that and encouraged him he was doing the right thing?? of COURSE octavian trusted apollo on that and believed it was the truth; apollo was his ancestor and someone he worshipped as an augur and trusted in for omens and prophecies and allat

yeah. octavian's an asshole. but he was a kid and he couldve been redeemed. then again i am a huge octavian apologist and im not saying you have to have the same opinions as i do also i will not be responding to any asks in my inbox im 2 tired to deal with that!! anyways dont go and insult people or me if you think the opposite thats fine !! i was just bored and found this in my drafts so whats the harm of posting it because im not going to get sent threats over this right,,, right??????

[phr0gg13]

Rescue Mission

Octavian x Gn!Reader

Summary: As the newly appointed praetorian the reader must deal with Octavian and his habit of stealing campers stuffed animals.

This can be read as a platonic or romantic fic! No use of (Y/N) and readers gender is never mentioned!

After Jason had disappeared Reyna was in dire need of a new Praetorian… So here you were, filling in some big shoes that were left for you. Little did you know that being Praetorian was like babysitting hundreds of kids who all had issues. Demigods deserved to have free therapy… Yet your favorite person to babysit was the Augur Octavian. He seemed to always invite some sort of problems, whether he decided to be mean to the fifth cohort or he stole some campers stuffed animal and offered it to the gods. Reyna had basically made you his full-time handler. Which is why you are making your way to the apollo shrine, to try and take back a few stuffed animals he had recently stolen. Hopefully you can make it before the poor things are totally destroyed. Another part of the job has been collected the carcasses of the stuffed animals and trying to sew them back together.

As you entered the shrine you could see Octavian. He had ditched the toga today and just wore his camp shirt and some dark wash jeans. You cleared your throat.

“Hey…”

Octavian looked behind him and sneered at you. “What do you want?” Clearly he had not been expecting to get caught so soon again. You walked closer to him and narrowed your eyes. “I have a trade offer for you…” He turned around and it gave you time to see that the stuffed animals were not harmed yet… He scoffed as he examined you. “A trade offer?” “Yep… You stop stealing campers stuffed animals and the praetorians will supply you with new ones instead.” You smiled at him as he thought about the offer. “Do I get one whenever I want…?” He asked quietly as he looked into your eyes. You shook your head softly. “We dont have that kind of budget… Youll get one each week… Even that took alot of convincing for Reyna…”

He looked at you like you had two heads. “You were the one to bring it up to Reyna?” He asked softly as his eyes turned from their usual cold and callous look to a softer, confused expression. “Yes… It wouldnt be fair if you werent allowed to do your offerings but you need to stop stealing the campers stuff…” You walked closer, keeping your hands behind your back. “I am getting a bit tired of fetching stuffed animals, especially sewing them back together.” You said with a soft smile.

He let out a scoff that sounded more like a laugh. “You sewed them back together?” You nodded your head and shrugged your shoulders. “Im like the best Praetorian huh?” You grinned, he only rolled his eyes at you and then turned to look back at the shrine with the still intact stuffed animals. “Okay… I accept your offer” A smile came to your face as you hummed. “Good… I have a little present.” This made Octavian turn with his eyebrows raised. “A present…?” You nodded and smiled at him. “Yeah… Close your eyes and hold out your hands.” This made him give you a look that said ‘You cant be serious’, though when you didnt say anything he sighed and did as you asked. Taking your hands from behind your back you placed a stuffed rabbit, you had been carrying, in his hands. His eyes opened once he felt the contact of the fur. “Surprise!” You said with a grin as you studied his expression. “I… Thank you…” He said softly as he looked down at the stuffed rabbit. You hummed and walked closer to the shrine, you started to round up all the campers stuffies, there was about four. “I figured you probably wanted to do an offering today, so now you can…”

He just starred at the rabbit and hummed softly. “Yeah… Thank you.” Holding all the campers stolen plushies you smiled. “Anytime. I gotta go return these now.” Octavian only nodded as he briefly looked up to you. You then started to leave the shrine. Octavian watched you with his lips formed into a tight line. He didnt understand this feeling he had… Feelings, there were multiple, all confusing and different. He looked back down to the stuffed animal and sigh. Mentally apologizing to his dad as he left the shrine. He went to his cabin and set down the rabbit on his bed. There it sat, undisturbed and intact.

[tragedykery]

thought it was time for a part two

[ID: several tumblr posts, tweets, and an onion headline. they read:

im like if an evil girl was really nice anyway goodnight

Lying Odysseus replied, "I will tell you the truth completely. I

Worlds most manipulative 14 year old

"what that mouth do" speak falsehoods mostly, but lately i've also been really getting into blaspheming before god,

i like girls who specialize in looking innocent and sweet while having the darkest most fucked up thoughts imaginable

everyone is addicted to my Fun and Flirty personality. lives have been destroyed ...

Im a cute girl so i actually dont have red flags theyre more like silly tendencies

Zing! I Just Got You With Another One Of My Trademark 'Complete Lies'

if i were an ancient roman augur i would train all my augury birds to attack people and then the only augury i would give is "you are about to be attacked by birds and nobody could do anything about it be all my auguries are correct and the gods have clearly blessed me

characters who are so inauthentic. characters who only show what they want other people to see of them. characters who simply must have control over every part of themselves. do you even get it

characters who are inauthentic even to themselves. characters who cannot allow the mask to slip. characters who struggle to have an identity past what they project out to the world.

/end ID]

ty lee moodboard

[ID: several tumblr posts and a tweet reading:

*lying* why would i lie

Accesorizing is sooo much fun lol. I'm talking about murder btw

me in prison: clear bauhaus design influence

the feminine urge to play dumb (strategically)

my moral compass is surrounded by magnets

how sharp is your knife? (flirting)

saw someone accuse me of lying for attention which I RESENT. I lie because it's fun and, crucially, very very easy

Lesbians will see a girl using a weapon expertly and lose all higher cognitive functioning for 5 min

I love playing dumb like wat?? huh?? LMAOO it's so fun

april fools dont mean shit to me i lie everyday

/end ID]

[aroaceleovaldez]

putting this into a separate post cause the first one was already pretty long but i wanted to reply to it -

tags from @pinetreetea - “#the big question is how do these demigods end up finding out about their respective parents & the rules of their pantheons #because non-claimed campers dont even know their godly parent #do the gods claim their kids in the wild somehow? #probably not but im so interested in how these kids figure out who their parents are #when they’re not claimed at a camp y’know“

 OKAY SO, FUN THING ABOUT THIS: A rogue demigod being unclaimed or not knowing their godly parent actually benefits them! One of the weird universe mechanics that fell to the wayside later in the series was that once a demigod learned that they were a demigod, they would begin attracting monsters more frequently, and this would increase more once they learned about their specific godly parent. So theoretically based on that there is actually an incentive, to a degree, for rogue demigods to care even less about who their divine ancestor is. The less they know, the less risk they’re at from monsters - at least until they get old enough that the difference from the monsters tracking them by aura is negligible. Also, since so many rogue demigods are at odds with their divine ancestors, they may not be interested in discovering that in the first place.

If they are so inclined to, though, we do know that claiming ceremonies are not the only way for a god to claim a descendant, nor is claiming implied to be a camp-only thing. Nico was technically never formally claimed, for example. As far as we know Nico either just figured it out on his own and chased down his dad himself or was told by Minos/ghosts. Based on what we saw of Nico and Bianca in TTC and also Frank in SoN, if a demigod is not directly claimed then people will just start guessing based on what information they do know. Also, sometimes just everybody else around them does know who their godly parent is for one reason or another and could tell them - like Magnus! We also know gods will sometimes just randomly appear to their descendants on random occasions, and can directly verbally claim their descendants that way, and it’s implied that other gods can generally tell who a demigod’s divine ancestor is and could tell them if they feel like. Also, demigods could theoretically consult divination to try and figure it out, depending on what resources they have available, since augurs and oracles aren’t the only means of divination available to demigods.

so tl;dr: it’s actually very likely that a lot of rogue demigods are simply unclaimed, if anything just because it’s literally safer for them, but they also have some options to figure it out if they feel like it.

[faithofgods]

bonjour 💌 im feeling so grateful on this chilli's tonight because your writing is just so lovely and touching to me so thank you for sharing your wonderful story ❣️ if you dont mind the ask, do you think the ros would use terms of endearment if when they get married? i can easily picture flor saying my wife/spouse w the softest of smiles

Aw this is very sweet :'( !! Pet / affectionate names ~in general~ have been talked about a bit before, and those would translate easily from dating into marriage

But you're so right + that's such a cute image ! Of them all, Flor is 100% the most likely to start using 'my [partner]' in place of the augur's name. Saying it as often as they can + with a smile every single time, not even because they really mean to, but because it's always on their mind and it makes them happy to such a degree that they can't help it from spilling over

Like, "I can't stay long! My 💗😊🥰 wife 🥰😌💖 and I are going to the market later today," or "Is it alright if I leave early? I'm joining my 💗😊🥰 husband 🥰😌💖 for lunch and I don't want them to wait on their own too long" or "I've got to get going now! My 💗😊🥰 partner 🥰😌💖 asked me to pick up something from home and I don't want to forget"

Just. Every single sentence / every time they refer to MC, to the point where Cían everyone's like 'okay we get it you're married shut up about it' lol

With the others, Cían still isn't big on affectionate names / terms of endearment, but with marriage or even after being together a long time, he'd soften a lot around the idea of it. While he wouldn't say it all that much himself—beyond maybe an off-hand mention that he's leaving to go see his [partner] every once in a while that he immediately regrets because of how silly he sounds and how much the very idea still makes his heart race after all this time—he'd really like (to an embarrassing degree) being referred to as MC's husband/spouse/partner, especially if it were in front of others

And with Sol or Khiita, I don't think either would change all that much with the marriage aspect, especially as they're both very open with the affectionate names they already use ! Sol would quite like the more 'possessive' aspect of being called 'my [partner]', but with calling MC, they'd probably just stick to MC's nickname or something obnoxious lol. Khiita is the same way, though her reasoning is more because she's settled in her choice of endearments and wouldn't feel the need for anything else or anything more

[blookmallow]

skyrim misadventures, ft Weird Magic Stuff, a determined spite mission, and some spooky encounters

-----

still absolutely love this guy 

[me, the leader of the brotherhood, who just assassinated the fucking emperor a few weeks ago] oh we’re not, huh

sighs i really want to do the thieves guild storyline but i dont want to work with the slimeball scam elixir guy to run a decent dude out of business for no reason... i like brand-shei hes my friend :( 

i might not go through with it on this file, i definitely will with my khajiit though if nothing else 

i know having a khajiit thief character is way obvious lmao but 

nice 

NICE

i forget which quest this was but I FOUND A SKELETON DRAGON????? IVE NEVER SEEN THIS BEFORE

holy SHIT thats so many skeletons

i got SO many skulls in here 

i also found this spooky hand, but couldnt figure out anything to do with it yet, unless its just here for Ominous Mage Experiments Gone Wrong purposes 

anyway all this was on a quest to find the augur, which nobody wanted to talk about and kept going “ohh yeah.... he Used To Be a student.... until..... The Accident” and i was losing my MIND trying to imagine what kind of horrific thing this guy got turned into but then i finally found him and 

:/ hes just a big glowy ball

which, i mean, is cool and all, but i was hoping for like, a dude who turned himself inside out or became some eldritch horror or something 

through all these winterhold quests i started finally getting half decent at magic (not like, Good, but acceptably ok) and decided to finally go back for that one disastrous cidnha mine quest ive been avoiding 

you get thrown in the markarth prison mines with nothing and gotta find a way to escape, which can be accomplished without too much trouble if you band together with your fellow inmates, however, they are fucking forsworn and will start murdering everyone near them once they escape with you

 i dont know if that keeps you stuck with a bounty in markarth or not, but i REALLY didnt want to release the forsworn leader out into the world, or be friends with those fuckers, or ruin my reputation, or risk civilian casualties even though theres not really that many people i care particularly about in markarth now that muiri is safe is solitude, so. i had previously just reloaded a save and ignored the quest for ages

because like. i dont think you Can get out on your own and if you try to turn on them and fight once you make your escape its REALLY hard to survive bc they outnumber you and you dont have any armor or anything other than like, shitty prison shivs 

however: the guards cannot take away your magic or your shouts, so

this time i was fucking ready, i have the ability to summon a FRIEND now to fight with me (i dont know what would’ve happened if i had a companion with me during this mess but like. i can Make one), i learned how to make a magic sword so id at least have some kind of halfway decent weapon, and ive got healing magic 

cool dragon powers also help (this was from. later on bc i have my stuff in this shot but)

this was still hard as shit, lucien got defeated pretty early on, and with no magicka potions its really hard to keep healing while fighting but i eventually fucking DID IT, i killed every single forsworn prisoner including madanach, and escaped myself (which granted me a pardon and some kind of special ring i dont care about from the silverbloods) 

i mentioned this misadventure to my dad later and he legitimately didnt know it was even possible to do this lmao i was VERY determined not to help the forsworn ever in any way

those guys ruin my day every five minutes when im out anywhere near their camps even if i try to avoid them like the plague i hate them!! 

i kept the shivs though and later discovered 

you can enchant them

LOOK at this cavern!!!!!!!

also i ran into a fucking headless horseman ??????

i didnt even know he was there until i heard lucien unsheathing his weapon when he saw it behind me and i looked to see what he was concerned about 

i followed him for ages like halfway across the map but eventually i had so many bandits and wolves and also a dragon chasing after me i lost sight of him after a while :’| WILD though

not that im ever going to sell it but i cant help noticing the blade of woe is worth 666 gold, 

cicero’s always mentioning he wants skyforge steel so i bought him a skyforge dagger and enchanted it for him (i think i put silent moons enchantment on it, i forget), finally remembered to give it to him but didnt take back the other dagger i gave him before to see if he’d pick which one he wants to use and here he is using his new one.... baby likes his present im so glad,

granted its probably just like, an automatic npc thing to just use whatever weapon has the best stats but i like to think he likes it

he still says the line all the time he doesn’t have like. special dialogue if you Do give him skyforge steel or anything but still

anyway i also had this mission going for boethiah where i was supposed to. bring her a sacrifice, essentially. which, yeah, ok, obvious bad idea, but im already an assassin, whats the difference at this point right 

my first thought was to go hire a random mercenary at windhelm, since many of the most unpleasant people in skyrim seem to live there, and i figured the chances were pretty good hes racist and insufferable like the others

but we ended up killing a dragon together and god damn it hes actually a nice guy, i like him :’) so we’re friends now after all

however, boethiah still needed a sacrifice, and. there’s this drunk guy in markarth you can hire after you defeat him in a brawl, and. he doesn’t seem to have a lot going on in his life other than shit tons of mead, so. i figured he’d do :’ ) 

holy FUCK

i dont regret carrying out this quest bc like... A) it was really cool and B) -

i eventually got this fuckin SICK armor out of it that ups my stealth while actually being pretty legit defense, and it poisons any enemies that come near me but somehow doesnt poison friendly npcs which is WILD and incredibly convenient for when im getting mobbed but dont want to accidentally murder whatever companion i have with me at the time

i do feel bad about sacrificing cosnach though like. he was little more than a random drunk guy but that doesn’t mean he deserved it, y’know :’ ) i couldn’t find anyone i hated that would also follow me though

also i later discovered on the wiki you can actually marry that guy, and im just like. why, out of all the options you have in skyrim, would you go for “random drunk dude who gets in bar fights” 

i dunno maybe he grows on you if you fight with him for a while but i didnt want to get attached again :’) 

i found wisps??? i think?????? i couldnt figure out any way to interact with them but they glow and bounce around and i LOVE them

woah!!!!!!

i. dont remember what was in there but apparently the wisps really wanted me to find it 

(i do remember getting stuck in this room and couldn’t figure out how to get the door to open though so i just kinda backtracked and left the way i came in, dunno if i missed anything important or if it was just an alternate way out that i couldnt figure out) 

[possibly-meaningless]

Dailies - France

19.06.19

I feel myself travelled through by something flammable, down the mouth, but not ignited. I remember knowing that I was drilling my eyes next to her plate, and hearing only what I allowed myself to hear. “The desire to be needed?” I did the dishes like a murderer washes their hands, put up the laundry like a sociopath smiles. In the morning, the sky is gray and I cannot read.  

20.06.19

An especially specific thing to do with a three year interval, participate in a study. I’m healthy enough that hospitals are a fascination. I ask about the make of the machines, and what work in the unit is like, about the roof gardens and the validity of measuring BMI. When I wrote about being picked up from a hospital by Akira Touya, I did not know how to say it. Now I am different than fourteen, and could tell you how these rooms are made, and look up who might be allowed to pick me up at all. 

It was misty too that freshman year, I remember it more like myself than anything else from that time. Funny that, once again and exactly, I ordered the salmon, and noticed the drum flourish of the MRI scan, turned at the incongruous smell of the hallway cafeteria. I suppose this just means that I am still myself, in a way separate from the certainties I have and how I feel, that my eyes and senses are still the same as those that worried on the dirty floors of our Bingham suite. Or at least that they are enough like all human eyes that not much would have changed anyway. 

Le musée par contre, c’est différent. On peut y aller pour pleurer. Je rejoins Millet sous le ciel et je déborde d’amour, mais j'oublierai les noms des impressionnistes, comme d’habitude.

21.06.19

I am preparing myself to go home, weighing the luggage of my person. I am practicing retorts to catcalls in my own language. I will leave the house on Sundays. I have stopped paying attention to New Haven. There is a transitory phase. 

22.06.19

Retourner est comme une obligation. J’échange mes inventions du livre comme une exercise. Thumb the blue house of New Haven between the cracks of my phone. Je sens le pli de l’inquiétude dans mon sourcil, et je sais que ma prose en anglais est longue comme du français, l’as toujours été. Je retourne vers les femmes-mères de ma vie, les femmes-famille qui se marient, et laisse derrière moi les ébauches de mes femmes-amour.

23.06.19

I wonder how long I will last being happy to be home. With some grit, until the end. Right now, I have no reason to doubt it. Our candles match the pool chairs, the avocado the grapefruit salad, the water the sky. Children on the plane ask a million good questions, my mother reminisces that that is exactly how I was, I hope that is how I have remained. I look at my cat and think no wonder the Egyptians worshipped you, perfect thing, little piece of god, scarab-sniffer. I’m glad to be back.

24.06.19

Ça commence bien avec Marie. Maman me regarde dans mon costume masculin depuis le fauteuil et ne sourit pas. Elle veut bien, je fais ce que je veux, mais elle ne sourit pas. Marie me demande si je suis “entièrement lesbienne.”

25.06.19

Getting home and dropping into the pool is the kind of thing maharaja’s son does. I take the long way home. Eating fruit here is so much better. I forget my mosquito bites. The women on the metro are, god. Something about it. I smell the air deeply. I think how I would hold Eda’s face if she were here sitting on the banquette next to me, I grip the head of my hat, the woman’s bag on her lap looks like a stomach, I talk about Adrian’s sectioned jaw, Marie’s friend is studying to be a nurse, bonne maman is the eldest child who did not run away she said of earrings “there are things you have to get used to. I got used to my husband, thank God.” 

26.06.19

The weather is an occasion for us all to wear sweat. Some things get especially sticky, like the kitchen table, and my computer charger. Everyday utilities gain the properties of an oven. We migrate out of our beds and into the ground for the night. I feel I deserve to live only in the morning, when the air is cool and clear like the first bite from a fruit. 

27.06.19

Une brise clémente détend le cimetière du Père Lachaise. Comme les corbeaux je pends mon cou le bec ouvert, et je me crois intime avec les morts. Je verse la larme d’une femme dont le mari et la fille sont morts il y a cent cinquante ans. Les sépulcres sont C.A.P. Faire corps avec l’histoire plutôt que le présent est quelque chose que je dois aux BDs en partie. Adèle Blanc Sec, Corto le faisaient, et leurs auteurs... un cimetière n’est jamais une mauvaise idée, à New Haven non plus, certains coins se recoupent avec celui de la Côte-Saint-André, ca se sent à leur odeur. Un vent clément détend le cimetière du Père Lachaise.

28.06.19

Paris drunk is not the same as New York drunk is not the same as Paris drunk is not the same as New Haven drunk. New Haven drunk has the weight of all my questions in it: whose weight do I want on mine, what kind of love will I accept? Paris drunk has all my answers: not yours, not yours. Even if you are very polite, and you scout out mines on a ship of 26 for the government « secret defense » you are getting off here and I am not giving you my Facebook contact. 

29.06.19

Grotte musée, j’en fais l’usage convenu, les yeux humainement levées dans la pénombre, je somnole dans l’abri indéniable. Et en le pensant je m’écorche sur les mots d’hier, peur très peur de l’arrogance. But what of it? If I were a man, I would have no qualms in seeing myself like Picasso saw himself, megalithic, and right, the figure-man in his cave. 

Une nostalgie infinie pour la main sur le bois, sur l’os, les salles de cinéma où on s’enfouit, la poussière et le sable, le geste comme l’insecte, l’artiste qui pense, et comme tout au final se ressemble un peu, toujours.

30.06.19

Punition pour ne pas avoir écrit: un rêve qui me détruit. 

01.07.19

Compliqué de décrire ce que c’est de parler à quelqu’un derrière un clavier. Grey et moi parlons dans un monde baignée de leur odeur orange, un soleil américain, le ton de la voix surgit des détails du textes, et du choix des mots. Je ris tout haut, oui je vous jure. Et avec Claire c’est l’argent, le violet, c’est une voix qui est comme grave même si je la sais aiguë. 

Je peins n’importe comment, mais je peins.

02.07.19

Si je rate, j’écrirai 

03.07.19

The idea I have of the metro north when I am away from it is just of a yellow line zipping down a glittering sea. Not much of that is true to what you see (red seats and yellow floors, complications regarding what you are eating or will eat, and who will take you where and how) but of the experience that is it: I am zipping down on an eyeless snake, and the light is always golden. 

04.07.19

I haven’t found a way to describe this sky that isn’t electric blue. The air from the window feels like a classroom fan blowing on just some of the leg, someone across the street it seems is eating at a table alone, in an apartment being painted auburn, but I cannot see clearly through the balcony. I keep getting these feelings, dredged up like photographs of a childhood moment, and that way of seeing the world seems so much less complacent than how I currently see it. Not that I am unhappy now, or inattentive, but perhaps feeling for children is more, stronger, stringent and my mind has mellowed to a hum. Feel strongly, think right. Feel strongly. 

05.07.19

You got up too late again. You eat like you’re choking and there’s something missing from your movements but licking the spoon of jam clean is the same as many times before bitter on exactly the same parts of your tongue, and reminds you what awakeness can be.

At the section of light before the airplane door all the colors are bouncing out: the raspberry pink of a woman’s dress, the orange chitin of the plane, the misalignment of the pilot’s teeth. Baldwin’s words are still in my head, categoric.

We pass by clouds that look sculpted by a frantic hand which still had in its terrorized tendons, all of herds crossing a path, broccoli and cloaked monks, a monstrous overgrowth of cotton on the stem, the photo-perfect disposition in ranges of mountains as if for a family photo, all of these, behemoths in flight, animals the size of maps, on which you find your way from the relief, shielding your eyes, and in this, smaller yet, I think of Claire’s Leviathans coming often to this playground, so tiny that they would need to shine like pin-prick mirrors to be seen at all. 

06.07.19

Il fait gris ce matin. Poppy doit être en train de flipper. Je rythme des sabots au pas est quelque chose auquel on n’est plus habitué. Si je voulais l’écrire il faudrait le décrire plutôt que d’avoir confiance de le trouver dans un esprit ka-pok ka-pok ka-pok. On s’extirpe d’une région sonore à l’autre, oiseaux, grillons, cloche d’église. Je partage le hamac avec deux mouches et au final je vais quand même choper un coup de soleil.

Moment cinématique de la soirée: je m’éloigne de la fête pour regarder l’horizon violet hors du terrain de lumière. Le DJ, fils du propriétaire, pas clairement fille ou garçon au premier coup d’œil, est assis et nous regarde comme le personnage principal fumant, le misanthrope magnifique. 

La grande tente a attrapé un frelon. Tout le long du repas on le trouve toujours là, changée à peine de coin. J’y vois un mauvais augure, chiante que je suis.

07.07.19

Fantasy maps tend to be like bowls: a valley of the known hugged into certainty by mountains. I was seated, slouched and film-able, in monoliths 

The gravel driveway, too, was a circle of light. Darkness waited at the gate, knowing itself to be charming, and did not speak to me. 

The fact I was well dressed matters. All that femininity can be, staring like only jaded men who know they are of adventure’s mettle, out the lip of this great shivering bowl. 

08.07.19

Mon impression de la Poyat est comme rayée. Je sens les choses une fois (l’eau de la piscine qui monte au nez, le hall de la maison en odeur de béton et de carrelage, les pages de livres pour enfants qui s’affinent et jaunissent comme la peau d’un rat âgé) puis, plus rien. La musique de mon telephone est une petite voix microscopique sur ma couverture. Les personnes âgées parlent de la maladie comme de plans de vacance. Mes cheveux sont rêches, je ferme les yeux et je vois une forêt noire aux troncs nus et propres. 

09.07.19

I’d like to think all of us do this, go up to the attic to sit on the side of the bed and look at Stephane, photo paper stare phasing through our own which traces smile-crinkled eyes and heavy eyebrows, a fringe which would certainly have disappeared by now. I wonder if that is what cuts through my mother’s mind: what he would have looked like now, where he would hang in the house instead of like a funeral mask on a wall of the attic, what it would have looked like to see his face next to ours rather than in them. 

10.07.19

La lune est à Demi dans le ciel poudré, je trimballe avec moi une boîte chantante, le chat est là, mais je me teins les mains comme un ancêtre avec des baies mauves. Le ciel n’as jamais été le nôtre, nous n’avons fait que grouiller dessous, heurtés toujours par les mêmes choses: l’eau, l’odeur de viande cuite, la capacité à peindre nos corps, à se sentir être là. On s’entoure de nos créations dans un jardin en perpétuelle construction, mais le ciel n’as jamais été le nôtre. 

11.07.19

Le soleil me cuit lentement, et miroite à grandes volées sur la plaine. La peau rougit comme une question posée, répond du doigt pressé comme un photon sur la rétine. 

12.07.19

Media is the perfect litmus test for maturity. I watched Breaking Bad having honestly no idea how to follow, what meant what, what was real and what was fanciful, how adults act in hospitals, at work, at home... now I’m an inside interpreter, more or less, I’m keeping track of the script. It’s funny to see Adrien make these assessments, I have no way to tell if they correlate to understanding. It’s like when we trap a wasp under a glass and he asks “do you think it knows it’s under glass?” and I tell him there’s no real way for us to know: our best bets would either be observations of its anatomical function, or tested behavioral response, but the proof that it can conceptualize as we do, that we will never have. 

13.07.19

There’s a cat in heat outside. I have my period. I told my grandmother that no one I was sleeping with had the ability to make me pregnant. I say to Max and Adrian “that’s why it’s easy to substitute the idea of entropy for the idea of death, and life for what goes against entropy.” I wear the bathing suit that hides my body the most. I wear a white dress and a pad. I tell them “wait, I’m going to change my mood.” I don’t want to fold napkins with you old women. I want to write about religion and autonomy and women who are in love and make the case for complexity and the risk in having a conscious mind. I’m wrong in thinking these activities preclude one another. I try to think through clamorous music. I want to hit myself to accompany the fact that I cannot be a student of every subject. I want to stay up and write. I will likely fall asleep.

14.07.19

Il n’y a que le quatorze juillet où l’on se surprend à être dehors en robe d’été alors qu’il a commencé à faire réellement frais. Le vent est aussi inutile que les foulards que l’on se pose sur les jambes. Le chat passe, oui gris. Et le feu d’artifice on l’a déjà vu. Ce qu’on remarque peu c’est le rouge attrapé par le ventre du nuage, et la lune qui nous regarde, la nuit qui fuit volontiers à nos yeux tous les soirs, et nous qui si rarement nous éloignons de nos propres lumières.

15.07.19

On s'arrête au long de la ligne, une excroissance routière où les camionneurs passent leurs vies. Petit royaume tout de même, j’y trouve l’abandonné (un terrain de basket), l’explorable (échelle de la station service), l’histoire (coquilles d'oeufs durs, rib blanchi) et une colline d’où tout voir. Les champs, comme toute surface vue de si près, restent infinis. Ils sont disponibles pour s’y perdre, même si ça ne se fait plus beaucoup. Et moi, mon humeur j’en veux bien: je chante comme jamais. 

16.07.19

I refuse to tear the weeds out of fear they might be saplings. The stem is too tender not to feel like murder. So it is perhaps with my crying teenage self, who I let possess me, out of fear she had not lived as she deserves. 

17.07.19

Lever les yeux dans le métro pour voir les yeux d’un acteur se baisser. Toucher pleinement l’arme flic à Opera. Cette ville que je croyais me scruter à présent c’est moi qui la tourne, mes yeux sur la foule qui danse, et moi dedans. C’est avec Jack que j’y danse, c’est mon visage qui s’ouvre sur la porte de la pharmacie. J’ai la dépose d’un gamin et du lévrier sur la scène, le regard qui ne se rompt pas. Les miroirs, j’y suis, je porte un costume d’esprit. La ville, c’est moi qui l’aime. Je suis acteur, j’ai vue sur la scène. 

18.07.19

It’s late, and I’m making use of a moment of outsider eyes I’m being granted by rereading my own writing, my site’s curation. I test my mouth, considered cutting into my tongue to speak more slowly, comment on deep voices, try on a beard. I lean into the mirror and try “I’m gonna fucking kill you.” I draw looks on and off my face. I wonder if I will ever be depressed again (which would mean I have learned nothing). I consider feelings had weeks ago, picking them up and examining them. I dreaded going back, now I dread going home. I wonder if I can be depressed again. I can do things like love Jesse, although not quite the same. I suppose it’s up to me.

19.07.19

The man in Saint Eustache I suppose he is praying, knee-leaning, alone-eveninged, humbly day-rumpled. He is as serious, as husky as the nave-drawn lights, gold folding on skinny shadow. He sighs, or at least it is as if he does. He has as much to say as the church’s Igor, the Latin mass, but as incense he says none of it. 

When I pray, because I do pray in holy-water-sampling, pretty-moved, starwards-gazed and history-guessing, it is not for the lovely waitress and the kir, not for my mother counting change, my grandmother and her therapist, the piss and cracker on the street, the fire set to oil or the motorcycle-kicking kid, the woman stroller-helped over over the fence. It is for nothing if my own wonderment, if for the light itself.

20.07.19

The day I leave the weather is unbearably pleasant. The wind is the kind you personify on the mosaics of a villa-home, passing low to bless the living. You are the kind of hand awoken by a clean damp cloth. And the day I go home, the shower-fawn is still there yes, her color has changed with the towel behind the tile. Storm coming like an undertow. 

21.07.19

The more I think of it, I haven’t landed in America, idea of itself as a loud city and wide upset nature, America thing, but home, my home in a different kind of air to breathe. I’ve returned to the place I named myself, the place that saw me different, the beast I saw insane across the valley and touched of my own knowledge-less hand. America has kept a piece of me in it, more than the other way around, more perhaps than good old continent. 

Through the windows of the Whitney the world itself is diegetic. Circle ‘round or stare through, the wind is installed for now, I placed this tarp just here, ordered the leaves and printed the sky. Can you tell what it is I wanted to make? What the making of it was like? Take care how you look at it, or you’ll be missing out. 

I want to be with you, lullaby-flat, baby-funny, rub-the-face. There’s no shame, no shame at all, when tenderness is in the game— if the note is soft and so is your skin, why in the world should it matter what we listen to, what we look like? We’re children, monkeys, old ladies with Alzheimer all at once, we paw and glance and try the world in our hand— hold me won’t you? It just seems it’d make sense.  

22.07.19

Everyone in my part of the train is sleeping. The Paleocene outdoors barely watches us go. A strange world is better than one I should get. Storms are uncertainty I’ve come to adore. I’ll go get the mattress, I’ll call up a friend, eat something untimely from the fridge or the table. We are hacking through tropics up to alien machines, weirder and weird but delightful.

[kagemi-blog]

Quick analysis of PUG's in WoW Legion (#1)

I've been playing World of Warcraft for several months now and I got interested in understanding better the dynamics of PUG's. It is pretty clear that PUG's have embraced elitism, but I wonder if there is something that can be done to change this trend.

It's Wednesday, raids have resetted. I am taking a look at the list of raids in the Group Finder for "The Nighthold (Heroic)", at 21:23 server time.

97 groups in total (including 3 boosts ads, and 2 mythic groups)

~30 requiring 900+ ilvl

~40 mentioning curve

~30 groups seem to accept players who don't have curve or multi-kills and who are lower than ilvl 900

It seems that Wednesday is a fine day for more casual players to get accepted into a PUG.

Below is the detailed list of groups.

NH HC - at Krosus description: - ilvl: 905

@Gul link Curve 2/3/10 1 heal description: checking armory before invite ilvl: -

WAITLIST 890+ Curve description: - ilvl: 890

LF 1 ranged dps description: - ilvl: 880

Guldan read description description: 2-4-12 Discord mandatory. food + flasks. Link curve and tell me dps priority for the fight. No discord no invite. If u don't ./w me i will ignore. ilvl: 895

900+ link curve 1 shot description: 2/3/10 fresh group ilvl: -

Chrono, curve group description: Aiming for a full clear. Have patience. Using Discord. ilvl: 890

Tich HC description: Be prepared, link achiev or exp. ilvl: 900

GuildRunReaclear need only Tank description: Full guild run Need only 2 tanks full reclear Link Curve /// 1 shot We expect u to stay for the whole raid ilvl 890

@Elisande(Guild Run) 3 DPS description: 2-3-9 ilvl: 900

chromatic anomaly description: - ilvl: 884

curve gul dans ass description: - ilvl: 900

star Link betrayers - WL description: food/flask/pots - and don't expect a summon ilvl: 880

@TICH Fast smoothy run +raid description: /w ach and i will check armory ilvl: 900

Fresh semi guildrun description: Need melee dps ilvl: 890

Fresh Eli/gul 2-4-12 description: 2-4-14 LINK CURVE/WILL LOOKUP ON ARMORY patience      We will do the whole raid! We work backwards. leaving after guildan is fine. ilvl: 890

@Spellblade -> full clear description: 35 traits curve or don't bother, fail = kick ilvl: 880

oneshot Guldan healer description: curve only (checking all) // 2-3-10 // failers and underperformers get replaced ilvl: -

[WTS] NIGHTHOLD RAID description: Nighthold Guild raid. All l**t f*r your main spec. M*re inf* on <skipped text> ilvl: 10

@Bota Hc #Waitlist description: 2-4-14 ilvl: 900

Nighthold LOOTRUN description: Selling NIGHTHOLD, ML guild run. For more info visit <skipped text>. ilvl: -

NH HC Fresh - DPS description: Bring brains, link curve. 2/3/9 ilvl: 880

Elisande + Gul'dan - need HEALS description: Impress me - Tanks and healers get free hookers and booze ilvl: 900

Gul Dan HC 910+ ! 2/5/14 1 heal description: Link Curve ( checking armoury) ! Multiple Kills required ( No Alts ) ( lead 10/10 hc multiple times) ilvl: 900

1 TANK description: - ilvl: -

nh hc 910+ ONE SHOOT fullrun description: Link curve. I will check armory ilvl: -

NH HC all bosses description: - ilvl: -

NH hc! only MK! 4 rdps! description: Fresh run! Bring flask, food and brain! checking armory of everyone! One shot group! ilvl: 895

890+ @Tich 2/3/9 Link curve RD description: Going for Tich>Krosus>Star>Bota>Eli>Guldan I'm checking armory ilvl: 890

@Star Augur LF Tank description: Curve group ilvl: 900

NH HC Fresh zerg 900+/w curve description: /w curve and il check up on wowprogress quick zerg run ilvl: 900

Nighthold HC @Star Augur TANK description: Checking Armory, 2/3/9 ilvl: 890

Guldan WL 2/2/6 description: Guild group 7% best attempt - Linking curve will improve your chances for invite. You must have 9/10 hc ilvl: 895

Nh hc 2-3-9 description: - ilvl: 890

Fresh NH HC  4 Shoot Leeeeeroy description: Req Brain ilvl: 890

NH HC from Aluriel, 895+, 1 dps description: Link Curve ilvl: -

semi guild run 895+ fresh run description: flask and food /curve will have priority ilvl: -

HC NH - Trill - WL description: social guild fun run ilvl: 890

Fresh HC - 885+ - waitlist description: Know tactics - bring food and flasks - and be able to handle a wipe or two ilvl: 885

Healer - Star description: - ilvl: 885

Fresh Need tank or healer description: - ilvl: 885

Gul'dan Heroic Rdps and healer description: know what to do ilvl: 900

The Nighthold Heroic 2/3/9 WL description: Link Betrayer's or Curve - Ranged DPS ilvl: -

Spellblade Link exp. description: - ilvl: 895

[WTS] NIGHTHOLD 10/10 description: Nighthold NM/HC lootruns. You will get lots of new 870-925 ilvl Gear, Relics, Tiers and Achieves! Personal or Master loot GUILD runs. Please visit <skipped text> for more  details! ilvl: -

NH HC Quick Run 2/4/14 description: Link EXP - At Trilliax ilvl: 900

Guild grp-at Krosus - WL description: curve for inv ilvl: -

NH Heroic Waitlist 2/4/14 description: 900+ Curve only fast run Ranged DPS! ilvl: 900

NH HC - Curve - 895+ description: Going for a full clear and 2-4-13 ilvl: 895

Guldan. Curve only description: The rest to follow ilvl 905

-ELI-GULDAN only rangede dps description: LINK CURVE FOR INV . curve group ilvl: 900

full clear simi guild krosus description: mythic raid leader on alt link me curve for inv ilvl: 900

guild run fresh 885+ description: We use teamspeak - english ilvl: -

NH HC @ Spellblade Healer description: dont link anything u will be checked, going for fast clear 2/4/14 Curve is a must ilvl: 900

Fresh NH HC curve! description: Curved leaders, Bring brains, dps, discord and link me curve. 2-4-14 ilvl: 880

NH HC Tich ranged and healer description: - ilvl: 895

@Tich, guild group, WT description: - ilvl: 885

Aluriel HC GRun // 885+ DPS description: - ilvl: -

NH HC Krosus 890+ description: Bring flask,pots, and know tax ilvl: 890

NH Heroic - Spellblade onwards description: Laid-back group with ~900+ ilvl, with heroic raid experience. 9/10 in HC NH so far. Bring consumables plus good-natured behaviour. Explaining tactics as we go, just listening on voice chat is fine. If you tend to bail after a wipe or two, best not to wast ilvl: 890

NH HC full clear - @ krosus description: Leader with 9 hc clears. Going for a full smoot clear of NH HC. you need multiple kills while group is forming, whisper me your number of traits in the spec you are joining with. have patience while group is forming, i will armory everyone before inviting ilvl: -

@Krosus "Guild" description: - ilvl: 890

Fresh ID - 885 1 tank and DPS description: New ID, 885 ilvl  1 tank and dps ilvl: 885

@Gul'dan - 905++ druid healer description: Link Curve for invite - Setup will be 2-3-9 or 2-4-15 lets see ilvl: 905

@spellblade Heroic description: - ilvl: 892

@krosus 1 range dps description: - ilvl: -

Chronomatic Anom M Silvermoon description: Mythic Chromatic Anomaly Silvermoon Realm, Master loot guild run ilvl: 900

Eli/Gul HC//900+//WL/read disc description: Dont link me anything I will armory you!//2/3/9 or 2/4/12 ilvl: 900

NH HC @ALURIEL GUILD - RESTODRU description: Need resto druid to finish off a guild group. ilvl: 900

@Bota!! oneshot so far heal/dps description: Link curve! Fail=kick under 450k=kick and do prefer most to be 500-600k+ Ranged dps! ilvl: 900

@ GULDAN - Guild Run description: Need tank + dps, please bring own food/flask/pots + knowledge of tactics. [TEAMSPEAK 3 REQUIRED] If you have curve or relevant XP please feel free to link it! ilvl: 890

Gul'dan Heroic 2 Healers 905+ description: Checking EVERYONE's ARMORY FOR MORE THEN 3 KILLS 1shot. ilvl: 905

GULDAN healer fast description: 910+ 0 wipes, just waiting for a healer ilvl: 905

WEEKLY CLEAR FRESH lock wanted description: CURVE ..FOOD FLASK ..FAILS WILL BE REMOVED ilvl: 900

waitlist description: bring food and flasks going 2/4/14 ilvl: 880

Spellblade 890+ 2/4/14 description: - ilvl: 890

RDPS needed - Semi guild description: Link that shit ilvl: 885

NH HC Spellblade description: - ilvl: 890

Fresh run, DPS 2-4-14 description: FLASK POTS (and brain) no leaving after one wipe please ilvl: 895

890+ ilv range dps description: link achiev we are at spellblade ilvl: 890

Elisande / 1 Heal / 900+ description: - ilvl: 900

NH H Fresh @Chrono WL description: 10/10H leader, semi guild, link curve will check everyone on armory ilvl: 900

@ Spellblade description: link curve ilvl: 895

New ID , 1 H Pal description: - ilvl: 980

Nighthold Mythic Silvermoon description: Fresh guild run. Need 1 dps. Must have discord ilvl: 900

890+ Oneshot run description: Link achi ilvl: 890

Tich / 910+ / dps description: fast run. failers instant removed. ilvl: 905

NH HC Guildrun core w alts description: THIS SHIT GON BE LIT. Nah but on a serious note we're 10/10 HC and just running alts and some mains. ilvl: 890

weekly clear description: - ilvl: -

NH hc - Bota (waitlist) description: Link curve and bring consumables ilvl: 900

@Star 900+ curve description: - ilvl: 900

Semi Guild Run 2/3/9 description: Progression run after Trilliax. Need 3 Strong DPS. Know Tactics and be Patient ilvl: 880

HC/M Antonidas lf Heal Do 20h description: Suche Heiler für den Gildenraid am Do 20-23h, Zuerst HC clear, dann die ersten 3 Bosse Mythic. ilvl: -

Anomally sick team description: CHECKING ARMOUR ilvl: 895

spellblade  / 905+/ one shot description: - ilvl: -

HC Fresh run - waitlist description: 2/4/12 ilvl: 885

@Botanist Rdps description: Guild run, raid ends 23 ST, must have ts , flasks, food and pots! Need range dps ilvl: 890