#i dont wanna stop doing this so i havent reached the point of ‟cant anymore‟

[pineapplesaresweet]

Day 11! My wrist is starting to hurt outside of drawing, so I might skip a day soon just so I don't get carpal tunnel or smth

[yongseungkim]

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[happys-crazy-queen22]

I'm The Right One For You

Gif credit @spooky-cory.

Requested by @stellarosedutton. I hope you like it Thanks for the request.

"Rip, Rip, babe"? Snapping your fingers in front of Rips face. You were trying to talk to him about the kids but he seemed like he had something more interesting on his mind and in his sight.

"What"? Rip, huffed turning his head to look at you.

"Where are you right now? I'm talking about the kids and you're off in lala land".

"I have lots of shit on my mind. I cant be talking about the kids, right now". Rip grumbled and grabbed his beer off the table and walked out the door.

You chewed on the inside of your cheek as you watched the kids play with their uncles. You knew this job was hard on Rip but you thought it would be easier if you and the kids were there to help out.  But it just seemed to make things worse for Rip and you.

"You okay"? Lloyd came over and sat down in Rips spot.

"Yeah. I'm good".

"You know, ever since you and Rip got together. I could tell when you lie. It wasnt very often but when you did, you always said "I'm good". Not your normal bubbly self. So what's up"?

"I think, Beth Dutton has finally sunk her claws into Rip. She has been awfully flirty with him and he just shrugged it off at first but now I think they have something going on".

"Why do you think that"?

"He's distance. He never comes home at a descent hour nowadays. We havent had a conversation longer that "get to work". I'm starting to worry.  We havent had sex in months. We use to do it every night".

Lloyd couldnt hold in his laughter. "I'm very aware of that. We could hear you miles away. But dont think to much into it. He's just stressed and hes working to hard". Lloyd tried to reassure you but it didn't help.

"I know. But something is wrong and he wont talk to me". You sigh running your hand through your hair.

"You need some sleep. Why don't you take the kids and head to bed. We'll be quiet".

"Yeah. Thanks for the talk, Lloyd".

"Anytime, sugar". Lloyd sent you a wink as you grabbed up Carson, your 2 year old son and Neveah, your 3 year old daughter with Rip.

Carson was already asleep when you hit home, just a walk down the trial. Neveah was a little chatter box. Opening the door on the house, you got a not so suprising shock. Your suspicions were right. Quickly covering Neveahs eyes with your hand.

"You cheating fucking bastard". Your voice made Beth giggle and Rip freak when he saw you.

"Its not what it looks like". Rip tried to explain.

"Did you slip in shit and went dick first into Beth's pussy"? You asked sarcastically.

"Dont cuss in front of the kids".

"Oh so you can cheat on their mother in front of them. Because this right here will scar them for life before me saying dick and pussy will. You fucking asshole". You grabbed up Neveah and headed back to the bunkhouse.

You kicked the door open as Rip was behind you. Everyone got quiet as you came in.

"Did you all know"? You asked everyone staring at you.

"No". Lloyd looked at you then to Rip with a disappointing look.

"Can you watch them so I can cool off and figure out what to do? Because I'm not staying here". You handed Ryan Neveah and laid Carson down on the beside him.

"Yeah, no problem".

You started outside and grabbed a sledgehammer on your way out that leaned against the house.

"Y/N, what are you doing"? Kayce heard the ruckus and came running out of the main house. Rip didnt follow you. He was probably getting a ear full from Lloyd and the others. They seemed to care about you more than Rip did.

"Stay out of this Kayce". You growled, going up to Beth's car and smashing her back windshield.

"Oh fuck". Kayce exclaimed, his hands going to his hair.

You smashed in her side windows and then her windshield with ease. You were beyond pissed.

"No no no". Kayce went to waving his arms.

Then you went on to Rips truck, you climbed on to his hood and smashed his windshield.

"That's my truck". Kayce yelled his neck vein popping out as the moonlight hit him.

You looked in the truck, there wasn't two carseats for the kids. "Why didn't you tell me beforehand". You screamed back.

"What does no no no mean to you"? Kayce dramatically through up his arms.

"Sorry". You got down from the hood of the truck and walked over to Kayce, who was having a nervous breakdown over his windshield.

"Where's Rips truck"?

"At your house, I'm guessing. Damn it, Y/N. Why did you do that for"?

"I caught Beth fucking Rip in our house".

"Shit, I'm sorry. You can continue on her car if you want"? Kayce chuckled, he tried covering his crying as he went up to his truck. "I love this truck".

"I'll pay for the windshield. Well, Rip will".

"Yeah, okay". Kayce sniffled and turned around to you. "You wanna talk about it"?

"Nah. I'm okay. I saw it coming. It was just a matter of time. I just wish that Naveah hadn't seen it". You handed Kayce the sledgehammer.

"Oh no. I'm sorry. That sucks".

"Yeah, so I'm going to go get the kids and go home. Rip can fuck off. Sorry again about your windshield".

"You need help? Um carrying the kids"?

"Sure. Thanks". You slightly smiled and went to the bunkhouse. When you got in the kids were asleep. Rip was gone and the guys were quietly playing poker.

"Thanks for watching them. I appreciate it". You told Lloyd and the others as you scooped up Carson.

"Any time. We're sorry about you and Rip. We gave him a lashing.  He's sorry".

"Yeah, well. Fuck him. Thanks again".

Kayce and you started walking down to your house. The lights were out so you knew Rip wasnt home.

"You sure you want to stay here? You know, after what happened"? Kayce asked walking up the stairs, Naveahs arms wrapped around his neck.

"Shit. I didnt think of that. We'll just avoid the couch. Just put the kids in their beds". You chuckle as you opened the door. You averted your eyes and headed to Carsons room.  Laying him down gently and kissing his head, before stepping out. Kayce met you in the hall way.

"Before you go can you help me"?

"Sure. Anything".

"You want me to touch that"? Kayce gagged as you laughed. You wanted the couch out of the house.

"Just grab it and let's go".

"They were naked. Doing the nasty".

"I thought you were a country boy. Not afraid of anything. Not some wimp".

"You've seen Rip naked and shit. I havent. I dont want the mental picture and his DNA all over my hands".

"Quit whining. I didnt want to see your sister balls deep on my boyfriend but I did. You can handle a little Rip jizz". You say with a laugh as Kayce dropped his side on the ground quickly wiping his hands off on his jacket with a disgusting face.

"You alright there"?

"Peachy".

"You alright"? Kayce asked.

"Surprisingly well. I thought I couldn't live without Rip, but after catching him. I dont want anything to do with him. Every time I see his face my skin crawls". You say putting your end of the couch down and dusting off your hands.

"Want some coffee"? You asked Kayce.

"You want company"? He replied.

"Yeah, I wont be able to sleep so might as well stay up with you". You snicker as Kayce playfully nudged your arm.

"Gee, thanks. I'm so glad I can keep you company".

"Um, when did you know Beth was after Rip"? Kayce questioned when you set his cup down in front of him.

"Months ago. When we all went to the rodeo. I took the kids to the bathroom and when I came back she had her head and arm laying on him. He just shrugged her off when he saw me. So I knew something would happen or had already happened". You gulped down the steaming hot coffee in your mouth.

"I'm sorry. I know it's not my place to say it but you're better without him".

"What you mean"?

"I mean no disrespect but what does he exactly do for you and the kids? He's hardly ever home. I've never seen him take the kids riding or even play with them. The horse hands do more than he has since you been here. I just dont know what you saw in him". Kayce felt he was treading on thin ice when he said that.

"When I met him, he was drunk. He's funny when he's drunk. We started dating, had Neveah then Carson and everything after changed when we moved in with him. Like we're stepping on his toes or something. Now he doesn't talk to me. So I guess what I saw in him.... I'm not sure anymore".

"You're a single mom basically. Now you're a single woman. What are your plans"?

"I dont know. I guess I can move back to my old house. It hasn't sold yet. Put the kids in daycare and still work here. But then Rip wouldnt want that and I dont want to see Beth all over him. So I'll have to get another job".

"You're really going to leave"? Kayce acted crushed.

"There's nothing here for me".

"I'm here. The guys are here". Kayce licked his lips as he looked at your lips.

"They dont want a mother with two kids here, weighing them down. Especially you, you dont need that".

"What if I want that"? Kayce looked into your eyes.

"Kayce, stop".

"What? I know you feel this connection between us. It's been there". Kayce stepped closer to you. His hand reached for yours on the counter top.

"I just broke up with Rip. You really decided that this was the perfect time to confess your love for me". You nervous chuckle.

"There isn't a better time then now. I want you. I may not be the man Rip is but I'll take care of you and the kids. I'll treat them as my own. You can move in with me and smother me with your toys and love". Kayce grinned.

"They do have lots of toys". You say looking around the house.

"What about Rip and Beth"?

"They have each other. Why cant we be happy together"?

"I dont know, Kayce".

"We'll take it slow. How about this Saturday, we go on a date. The guys can watch the kids and we'll get to know each other. I'm funny without being drunk,  I have other great things about me. Plus I'm cute and you can't say no to this face". Kayce pointed to his face with a smirk.  

"Okay. I'll go on a date with you. I don't want to hurt the kids if they get attached and we dont make it".

"I understand. But I have a feeling we're going to make it. I even see a little Dutton in our future". Kayce pulled you close, wrapping his arms around your waist.

"Is this you being funny or have you lost your mind"? You laugh, putting your hands on his chest.

"I'm just sure that we'll be together. We're going to have a great future together". Kayce leans in and captures your lips with his.

This all took you by surprise. You didnt know Kayce felt this way about you. But deep down you felt in your heart that this all happened for a reason and Kayce was meant for you. You just took a detour, a bumpy road and went off a cliff but was rescued by a cowboy named Kayce Dutton imagine that.

[samcrobae]

Contaminated, Part 2

Gif Credit: @loisbelcher

Tag list: @cind-in-real-life @carlaangel86 @briannab1234

Warnings: language, mentions of gun violence, character death, sad Angel 💔

long awaited part 2 to Contaminated. I havent figured out how to link all of the stuff in one place. so if someone can help a girl out, I’d appreciate it! I also didn’t proof read because it’s 10:45 PM .

Disclaimer: I never ever like to see Mi Angel sad, pero this was just the vibe for this particular story/song. If I could hug and love on Angel all day I would.

——————————————————————-

Your eyes fluttered open as the sun beamed in through the windows, the feeling of Angels chapped lips on your shoulder making you fully alert. You turn to face him in bed. “Morning,” you smiled at him and he kissed your forehead. “Damn I’ve missed this.. waking up to you. I never want to miss this again.”

_________________________________________________

A year later, you and Angel were in the best place you could have been. You were happy. you were more than content. you were safe. You had been spending more time with him, more time with the MC. You and Angel had your arguments, sure, but part of that was what made and you and Angel—- you and Angel. you played with the ring on your finger, the ring he put there just 5 short months after your return. “Pretty soon, you’re going to be stuck with his ass. You can still run if you want to.” Coco poked fun as he sat down at the bar next to you and handed you a beer. You look over at him and the other guys making their way over to you as they headed out of templo. You let out a laugh as Angel approached. “What’s so funny?” as he places his arm around your shoulders, bringing you into his side. 

“nah, nothing. I was just reminding Y/N here she has enough time to run from you if she wants.” Angel narrows his eyes at Coco “nah shes not going nowhere. shes stuck with me. for good this time.” he leans in and gives you a quick kiss. 

“well, lets go home and get ready if we’re gonna make it to this shit on time.” Angel nudged at you. 

You got home and jumped into the shower. “alright, but you need to wear this tonight, this is my favorite on you.” he held up a dress and you peeked out from the shower curtain. 

“ugh I hate that dress you know that.” you scrunched up your nose. 

“yeah but I love fucking you in it. so. wear it. Now make some room for me in there. you used all the hot water last night when I tried to shower.” He quickly strips down and gets in the shower behind you. He pulls you in close to him by your waist, so that your back is resting on his chest, his chin on your shoulder. “I still cant believe I got you to agree to marry my crazy ass.” he whispers to you. 

“Yeah me either, I guess I just love your crazy ass.” you say as you splash some water on his face. He moves his hands to caress your sides, then wraps them around your waist, to rub over your tummy. “You ever think about doing other things with my crazy ass?” 

“mmm.. like what?” 

“i dont know.. like, maybe have a couple kids?” 

you quickly turned to look at him “kids? really? Like our own kids?”

“Yeah, I don’t know. Its not the worst idea right? Nah it’s crazy right ? We probably shouldn’t. Shit with EZ and whatever is getting pretty fucked-”

“Lets do it. Let’s have some babies.” You interrupted him with a smile as you gazed into his eyes, seeing nothing but adoration for you in this moment. Leaning up, you kissed him and he brought hands to wrap around your lower back, holding you tight to him.

“Well then shit querida let’s get started!” He backs you into the shower wall and you let out a laugh as he attacks your neck with kisses and bites as the water falls onto both of you.

————————————————

Pulling into the yard parking lot you and Angel were arguing about something. The others couldn’t exactly hear what, but saw your hands flailing and his eyes go wide and could tell you were yelling at each other about something.

“Shit here we go...” Coco sighed as he sat on the porch with EZ taking a sip of his beer. You got out of the car and slammed the door shut “yeah fuck you Angel! Hey Coco.”

“What’s up Y/N” he muttered as you walked past him and into the clubhouse.

The night continued on and you and Angel had kept your distance but it was pretty obvious as you were at the clubhouse for a party and you were usually in his lap or pushed up against a wall making out. No one dared to ask though, knowing this was just how you and Angel were.

You were sitting at a table toward the front door with EZ when you heard vehicles approaching the yard. Everyone had been accounted for so no one was sure who it could be. Bishop eyes Angel and Gilly and before they could step out to investigate it all happened so fast. Multiple shots rang out and into the clubhouse spraying bullets everywhere. All you could see and hear were people running everywhere dropping to the ground for cover followed by shouts of “get down! Get down!”. EZ reached over and tackled you to the ground and under the table, shielding you as best as he could.

Shots rang out for what felt like an eternity and you weren’t sure how long you were under the table. When it had quieted you finally were able to notice the sharp pain radiating in your abdomen. Still laying on the ground, EZ looked over and felt warm liquid pool between you.

“EZ....”

“No, shit. No. ANGEL!!!!!! Angel!” He shouted for his older brother. “It’s okay, you’re okay, I got you. You’re okay.”

Angel found the two of you under the table and dropped to his knees when he saw you. “No... baby, no. I’m so sorry...”

“Angel... that’s a lot of blood. Can we go home? I wanna go home... let’s go home.”

“We gotta get her to a hospital let’s go let’s go! EZ help me get her up.”

The brothers got you up and into the truck. You rested in Angels lap as your eyes began to grow heavy, ears ringing .

“No hey, hey, stay with me alright? I need you to just stay awake. You’re gonna be fine. Just stay with me please baby. I love you. I love you so much.”

He was trying to remain calm but inside he was panicking. He knew this didn’t look good but he also couldn’t bring himself to admit it. Gilly and EZ were up front, EZ racing down the streets pretty much blowing every stop sign and red light there was.

“I’m so sorry querida.. hey stay awake.. I need you to stay awake. We’re gonna have some babies, remember?” Gilly and EZ exchanged sorrowful glances.

He tried his best to keep you talking, but as EZ pulled in front of the hospital entrance, you were quiet, in a deep sleep. Angel practically jumped out of the car and carried you from the car to the hospital “I need help! Help!” A couple of nurses who were passing by ran over grabbing a bed on their way to you.

“She got shot... I couldn’t help her anymore... she’s.. she needs help.” The nurses hurried you away behind a set of double doors and once the doors were shut Angel allowed himself to give into his emotion. Another nurse say with him and EZ, gathering your information and the details of what happened. When everyone left, He sat back against a wall and let himself slide down to the ground. His head in his hands, he sat sobbing.

EZ got down on the floor with him, sat silently next to his brother. “Hey she’s going to be okay Angel.”

Bishop, Creeper, Taza, and Riz ran through the entrance frantically searching the waiting room and settled on the floor where Angel and EZ had been sat.

Bishop approached Gilly, “how is she?”

“Don’t know. They haven’t said yet. Didn’t look good though, Bish.”

Bishop sucked in air between his teeth. “Shit. This can’t happen. Not to her. Not to him. He will spiral.”

It had been two hours and finally two doctors had opened the set of double doors and approached Angel, removing their surgical caps.

Angel rushed the doctors as soon as they came out into the waiting room “when can I see her? Is she okay?” The rest of his brothers circled them awaiting their responses.

“Y/N’s organs suffered a great deal of trauma resulting in a lot of blood loss, the injuries she sustained were very severe. Despite our very best efforts, she did not make it.”

Coco sucked air in between his teeth, hands balled into fists and he turned away from his brothers. Taza and Bishop let curse words solemnly escape their lips.

“She did not make it” replayed in Angels head as his ears started ringing and suddenly became nauseous. The instant pain that stirred and sat in his stomach became unbearable. His eyes were wide with rage, how could these doctors just let you die? Wide with pain, you had so many plans with each other, for your future together. Wide with fear, how was he supposed to go home to an empty house? How was he supposed to live his life with out you? How was he supposed to continue on? How does he rebuild?

“You fuckin let her die?!!!” Angel lunged at the doctors but EZ and Gilly intervened.

“You let her die! I’m gonna fuckin kill you! You piece of shit!”

“Angel-Angel!” EZ gripped Angels shoulders as Angel slowly sank to his knees. He was shaking, sobbing, uncontrollably rocking back and forth as he spoke your name and apologized for all of the things he would never be able to take back.

Bishop motioned for the rest of the guys. “This is war. Taza, make the call. This does not end here. We find who did this. And when we do, you bring them to him”, pointing at Angel.

“And I know what we need

You start letting me go

Cus our love is tainted.”

[bunnyriviere]

my god i cant get my head out of this mess so imma rant, then MAYBE i can focus on my assignment like damn babe i thought your passion is stats, why are you obsessing over a guy that doesnt care enough. huh? care about stats instead babe!!!!!! i just want to only have to care about maths but i know my life is ruined if i dont have relationships, so i try. but i must suck at it so bad if everything just ends in flame like this, im so tired im teary eyes.

im on my phone and honestly dont know how to do the uh line to cut short the post so if anybody unfortunately see this im sr :(

this is not even about a romantic relationship, i dont even know why i just couldnt like a person like that but damn fine. this is about a male friend i made in grade 11 i guess. i have never liked men. im afraid of them and dont want to have to interact with them ever. i know its bad and i should change but i just really want them away from me im sorry..... so i wasnt even friendly with him, but i was polite, i know how to be a decent person. he was friendly and nice and friends to all which only made me think aw geez just stop being friendly i know this is not because you like me. but i was eating the snack he brought to class anytime he brought it without much thought cause he offered i aint gonna say no. all the while still not consider him a friend. not until a friend said im not being nice if im eating his food while still not seeing him as a friend. and i have always feel bad about not being friendlier towards men in general and he made the 1st move which made it easier for me to just go along. so i did and thats how we became friends.

hes really nice and i mean it. i think really highly of him. maybe its just me having bad luck so i havent met many that are nice?? i really believe they are just myth tbh, im about to settle for that thought. and this guy is really how i wish is the standard for all men. hes just that good, i have no complain. i truly like him and glad that my friend said something cause otherwise we probably wouldnt be friends.

again no romantic feeling. i just have to, remind the invisible audiences of this post i guess.

now we all know covid. and because of it, i couldnt come home and wanted to lay in bed even more than normal. so i didnt push for it when he said he couldnt meet anybody in the summer because he didnt want to accidently give somebody it. just saying that cause this is a 2 ways road right, nothing is ever only his fault, its also mine. i want to rant about my feelings but i dont want to dismiss any mistakes i made yk. so we didnt meet up then.

christmas came and before then we were talking about christmas gift and i didnt wanna any so i didnt prepare anything also. this person is too nice and i dont want him to feel bad. but anw i just thought maybe we can still meet up even if its not for gift exchanging. but i didnt ask or anything at all cause well, hes from here, he has family and friends that are definitely closer to him, and he had work. i know hes busy and if he wanna hang out he know where to find me. i just dont want to accidentally add something more onto his list of to do. he would be too nice to say no. and we are not that close i dont want to add more work for him. i dont have relatives or friends here other than him so im free anytime if he wanted to meet up. but that didnt happen, i dont think we talked at all. which fine i hate to admit but i was hurt. ugh hate showing how vulnerable i am. yuck. yikes. -100/10.

i just didnt think about it? i didnt try to reach out either so that was my fault too but just, if he didnt care then i wont either. so i really didnt think about him anymore.

came reading week! it really was 1 year from the last time i saw him honestly. he asked to meet up and if i want to go somewhere and tbh no im in the countryside rn is that the corect word so there are no place to go. but i remembered this 2ndhand place i like to go sometimes and i hadnt gone in a while so why not. so we agreed on that. and i know he was probably just tired, and there are people who sigh a lot, its not uncommon. but not seeing him for a long while and knowing this is a place i suggested, him doing that really made me feel bad. i probably shouldnt, but couldnt get the thought that he was probably doing this just because hes friendly not because hes friend with me. it fucking sucked. when we got out and he dropped me back at my home i still felt so bad he didnt get to enjoy himself so i asked if we could watch jojo together. yeah he loves jojo. i dont really care for anime im so sr i prefer realing manga lmao sr.

now ok maybe im still being dumb, probably. but tldr i truly believe people can be friends and affectionate even when they are from opposite sex. it didnt work out so well cause i got molested lmao cause some other guy thought that was cool to do. so that honestly worsen my uh wariness of men. but like i said, i think ive said it, i trust this person. honestly i do, we hug a lot and i had never felt afraid of it. i believe he wont do anything. im just really comfortable around him. so we cuddled while watching anime, that had happened before im really sr if you think thats wrong, i still believe that could happen.

but maybe its because i was tense from thinking he really didnt enjoy hanging out with me that much. i kept connecting remembering what the molester did and while i just knew i swear i knew he wouldnt do anything like that, i couldnt get it out of my head. i felt bad for that but there were just 2 things that happened so similar to what happened with the molester. haizz he kinda laced our fingers together but it wasnt handholding, same thing happened once before with m-dude and it felt weird but i didnt want to question that friendship so i didnt. and at some point of jojo i kinda jumped and he held me back, not pulled me back or anything but was holding me in place, and it was probably to make me feel safe but honestly if anybody even use a little bit of force i will just think of when i finally got the courage to turn around to confront the other dude for touching me, he held me back and i couldnt move at all. i think i froze a bit.

argh back to the main story. see how i totally suck? hahaha just blaming this friend for something somebody else did. im so sorry, i suck.

well after that we picked up talking again but idk! was it me overthinking? was it? because it felt like he didnt want to talk to me at all. it was, how to say it. he was friendly yes he talked hmm. damn how-- it felt like he didnt care for what i said. its a feeling idk how to put into words. and that sucks. he didnt seem interested in me before, felt happy enough when we cuddled, then back to being uninterested. i knew i know he doesnt want me romantically. damnit am i only good now for hugs. are we friends? what i meant is not sex but am i only good for physical stuff? i dont fucking know, the m-dude obviously just want a fwb and i was to trusting to notice. is this my gut feeling or my anxiety idk!

another side story. another guy suddenly expressed interested in me right when covid hit but it was because he couldnt get over his ex so i stopped talking to him for a while and picked it back up when i thought he was no longer idk being annoying about it. i thought he had to at least like me as a person to even express he liked me romantically. but apparently not. he looked so uniterested suddenly and denied when i asked, then stopped reading my texts.

so you see. i just cant if haiz ok do- do anybody like me? just as a person? idk.

god i knew i fucking suck for being so sensitive and anxious and im sr for wanting stuff but maybe i want you to look like you care a bit when i said you are reminding me of the m-dude, instead of saying ok we can talk less then. i already felt like you dont want to talk to me, you dont have to say that...

officially crying heyho.

just saying no you dont dont like talking to me when your actions were saying the opposite is not cutting it either... i also thought highly of the covid confession guy too but what happened now. im sorry for comparing you to others! but i learn from experiences... and this was sus... (yah its a joke i cant help it.)

and if i just agreed and stopped talking to him right it just, felt like a confirmation that yeah its true hes just letting me hug him not because im his friend and he knows i like hugs so he lets me. but its more like its convenient that a girl is hugging him so he wont say no. something like that. that sucks. thats all im good for. if i were his friend, it would include the talking too.

ah!! i know we are not close, we are both casual friend. he is definitely not on my top list to tell stuff to but damn i still like him enough to hurt. and to not asking for too much.

so anw i kept talking with the anxiety that never got solved and that made me frustrated and i picked at his insecurity to made him hate me enough to stop talking to me cause i couldnt bring myself to stop, id feel so bad. this is really toxic and i admit this is not the first time ive done it, to a different person but its the same thing.

hahaha act like i hate him while just want him to see how i feel so bad. yeah im a tsundere.

it worked so i stopped talking to him for a week and focused on talking to my other friends. friends i know without a doubt love me and want me because i really didnt feel that with him at all. sorry i know you were tired with covid.

that made me felt better and i was not in panic mode anymore, i can calmly assess things now. and before, i felt bad because i truly believed i was just seeing things, i couldnt see pass my anxiety and was blaming him for what, nothing. he did want to talk to me. but my mind was clearer after that one week and yeah i cant really make more excuses? yes i was sensitive and made things worse, but there must be something for me to pick up first. it didnt just come out of thin air.

so i sent him some texts saying that, because just leaving without a word is bad communication. i have to tell him and at least give him a chance to change i guess? did he need change? im doubting myself.

i- hm he just said yeah his look and way of talking really make him look like hes tired and uninterested, and laughed at my marie kondo joke. you know the one. idk! all i saw in that was yeah thats how it is, accept it. and i-- i, cant? i dont want to... i dont want to :(

but my mindset for just about anything is value the process, not the result, like as long as you put work in! thats great! and he- he was, talking... he put work in..... i would feel so bad to deny it. but at the same time, it was not enough... i hate! to say you need to do at least this and that! but it didnt feel like enough..... im sorry :(((( i am.

ive talked about my tendency to lash out. last time i didnt want it but i had to get away quick so i didnt mean it but i still did it. but this time i was truly angry. because i just wished there was more care for me but i know that was all there was, and i couldnt do anything about it. couldnt even ignore him. he was even drier then, and i got it, i lashed out at him, ofc he wasnt going to be friendly. but just why were you trying so hard... no, no it was not trying hard, you were answering texts at the speed of once every 2 days. why were you answering at all? you clearly didnt want to. but again so was i. did i really have a say.

so i sent angry texts at him. about how fake his friendliness was, did he really consider me friend, why did he keep saying no it was not that he was uninterested while it was obvious that he was. also that i want to fight him. i really do want to. hopefully he will beat me up hard enough that i can be in a coma and die in 9 months idk. (listen 9 months is enough time to make a new human, if im not awake by then, you need to let me go, thats my wish.)

he said that no he doesnt like to fight and thats the last text i got from him.

because ofc i dont hate him him, the whole him idk what im saying. just angry and hate that hes not matching me on how we value this relationship i guess. not besties like how he likes to joke, but eh, was hoping more than what i was sensing. i still sent a text being like ok fine do you still want to talk and if so how do you want me to do. but he didnt answer it in time so i decided for him that nah we wont talk anymore.

heyho i was sad, i am sad. and ok hear me out, HEAR ME, i dont use tarot for future but just for my feelings and how to deal with them, and my deck said ok babe this is the end, you will have to move on now. so i will.

tbh lmao for every relationships that i emotionally invested in. i always make an essay on my feelings because thats how i conclude things, and so i wont forget that my feelings are legit. so the moment i started this post, hes dead to me i guess.

wow this post is long. but i did really like him so.

im moving to uni city next month but i know he will leave in the summer so i wont have to worry about seeing him then. and probably not further in the future either, we go to different uni and are quite far away and our common are not gonna question things i dont think. dont think they would even notice, we are not in a group or anything. and even if i do end up meeting him. my feelings while was anger, but it stemmed from sadness and disappointment so it wouldnt be too bad. on the other hand... m-dude..... i am afraid of meeting you, lets please please please not meet damnit.

[arthurflecksgirl]

Thank you for your answer! my request was abvout reader with low blood pressure, who often feels dizzy and weak, her breathing becomes shallow and quick, especially when she's standing up too quickly. She has to be careful because sometimes when it drops suddenly her vision gets blurred and she faints, so Arthur makes sure she dont hurt herlsef and is there to help her when that happens. I think you answered thatalready , but i dont know, maybe I imagined it. 😅

Here it is and I really, really hope you like it :)

Arthur helping reader with low blood pressure

"Hold still,darling. Otherwise the line gets all shaky". Arthur was sitting in his make up chair. Piles of face paint builded up on the big table, so many it was hard to find a specific one. He was getting ready ready for work. A kids birthday party. The little boys parents hired him after they saw him dancing out on the streets . They wanted him. Not any other clown at Hahas. Just him , the Doctor of laughter. Arthur felt more than flattered about that. ""Can you belive this Y/N?  They came up to me and asked me who I work for. And if they can hire me. To them it wasnt just about finding a random clown. they wanted Carnival!" you could tell how thrilled he was. "I`m so happy for you. Carnival deserves all the love and attention. He is the cutest. " Arthur moved in his chair "You think so?" "Of course. because you are!" He smiled. His lips haven`t been painted on by now. Not compleately. You started with the outlines "Artie, I can`t paint your lips when you keep talking." "Oh, I know. I know. I´m sorry. I will shut up right now." You chuckled because you didnt belived him. He was all bubbly and excited today and you could tell from his bouncing leg that it would be way more difficult to calm him down. You took the thin pencil and painted his thin lips. They looked so kissable. It was hard for him not to put a smile on his face,  while watching you trying to concentrate on his face. He loved this part. The corner of his mouth. Because he knew it would drive you crazy.  He just knew you had to fight the urge to kiss him. Especially on the fresh painted lips. When you first saw him in his clwon make up you compleately ruined it by kissing him so hard on the red lips, there was nothing left but a pink blurr. "Hey, wanna hear a joke?" his lips moved and the line was ruined. "Artie. Now the paint is all over your chin." "I dont mind. Do you wanna head it?" "Sure" "Knock knock" You wiped the lip paint off his chin. "Who`s there?" Arthur reached for a cigarette. How would he be able to smoke while you were doing his make up? "Deja" he smirked. "Deja who?" "Knock knock" You grabbed him by the nose "You`re my fave clown you know that, right?" "I hope so" he said, lighteining up his cig. "Arthur, baby. You can`t smoke while I am doing your make up." "I´m sorry hun, its just that....I am so nervous about this kids birthday. I wanna get it right today and I am still not sure which animal she prefers". "You mean the baloon`?" "Yeah" "Ask her then." "Yes maybe I will ask her parants if she is a cat or a dog kinda person" "Sounds like a plan. " you replied, hoping he would sit still for a minute as you took the brush for the blue around his eyes "Close your eyes". He did so.  The smoke from his cig burned in your eyes as you tried to get the shape of the blue right. You loved doing his make up. It always felt like sharing the most intimate little moment together. His closed eyes right in front of you, his face waiting to be transformed. Arthur inhaled the smoke and leaned back as much as possible. "Have you seen my new card" he asked, pointing at the little thing beside the watercolors. "No I havent. Is it for Carni?" "Yeah. I want you to check it. Hoyt gave it to me and I kinda like it but I want you to know what you think." You put the brush beside for a minute and Arthur inhaled the smoke once again. The card has a little clown face on it. "Doctor of laughter Name : Doctor Arthur Laughology. Speciality: Baloons" You put it back on the table "Thats really cute. I like the Laughology thing on it". He put the rest of his cig in his pink ashtray "Yeah but shouldnt it say Dr. Carnival instead?" You continued to paint the blue around his eyes  "I guess so but still...I love the sound of Dr. Arthur." He chuckled, realizing that the line got all shaky again "I`m so sorry, I just cant sit still today." You shook your head as you wiped the shaky part off "Maybe I should bring you some cookies, so you finally stop moving around." "Thats was actually the plan behind it" he smirked. "I knew it. You really got a sweet tooth since you can eat more" Arthurs thick eyebrows twitched under the touch of the brush "I could eat your delicious, self made cookies all day long." "Or we do it differently. You only get the cookies when you manage to hold still." Arthur shrugged "You`re so mean". The triangles above his eyes were finished. "It didnt bother you to smear my make up by kissing the life out of me" re reminded you. You grabbed his nose "Thats because you taste so good I could eat you up" "Like a cookie?" "Exactly." You were just about to head to the other side of the room to get some new make up wipes that were lying on the other table, as suddenly the lines on his face got all blurry. But not because Arthur moved again. There was something wrong with your eye sight. Dizzyness overcame you within seconds and you had to support yourself on the table. "Is everything okay, Y/N?" Arthurs concerned voice sounded far away. "Oh....I`m not sure...I feel dizzy out of the sudden. Could be my low blood pressure again." Arthur stood up from his chair and supported you. He has seen this happening before. At first he felt helpless but now he knew what to do.

Your breathing changed and became very shallow and quick. “Breathe darling, i`m here for you. i´m right here. remember how you teached me to breathe when I couldnt stop laughing?” You nodded. “Do the same for me now, okay?”

You tried. And somehow his soft voice always knew how to calm you down when you started to get nervous. His voice was the only thing that held you back from fainting. You tried to concentrate on every word that escaped his lips.

"C`mon , we`ll get you a big glass of water. You need to drink something. " Arthur helped you to walk into the kitschen with him and mixed you a glass of water with some juice "This should help. We`ll get you under the shower. An alterning shower will make you feel better, hun. " He took tugged you under his arm to make sure you wouldnt hurt yourself by falling over. Your hands felt cold against his warm skin. "Arthur, I feel so weak...I think i`m about to faint again...." "I know, sweetheart. I`m gonna take care of it, okay. You will not faint. And if you do, I´ll be here to catch you. " he watched every step you made, so your knees wouuldnt give in  without him noticing.  You drank the sweet water and waited for the dizziness to fade. Arthur stoke your hair gently as you asked for another one "Sure, anything for my love" he handed you another glass. This time with more juice than water, his eyes filled with love and concern as he watched you drink it down. "Your hands are so cold" he said as he put your left hand to his lips to kiss it softly. "C`mon, we`re gonna have to get your blood pressure up". Artie picked you up and carried you into the bathroom before he helped you out of your clothes. "Arms up" he said  and helped you to pull your shirt over your head. He gently opened your bra, but not without looking at you like you were the most beautiful creature he has every seen with his own eyes. The dizzyness came back in waves as you got out of your pants an underwear. Arthur noticed immediately and took you in his warm embrace. You felt his yellow vest on your naked skin. Everything about him was so real. Which was  kinda ironic, because often the world didnt felt real to him at all. Sometimes he coudnt even feel himself as  someone who truly existed. But to you, he was the realest person you have ever met in you whole life. To you he made everythng more real. The world, yourself, life itself. Arthur placed you gently into the bathtub and made sure you sat comfy enough to let him shower you. He switched between warm and cold water, which helped with the low blood pressure. He took the soft sponge and caressed your skin with it, which helped you relax a lot. Sometimes you wonedred how on earth you deserved someone so caring and pure like Arthur. The nervous feeling inside of you seemed to fade under the touch of the sponge. Your hands and feet didnt felt as cold anymore. But it was still a bit hard to concentrate. "Are you feeling better, sweetheart?" you asked you, while he washed away the tension. "A lot better, Artie. Thank you for taking care of me.You`re the sweetest soul." A curl fell to his forehead as he smiled. His face paint still unfinished. "Now you`re going to be late for the little boys birthday. I fel so bad about that. We didnt even finished your make up yet". Arthur changed the temperature to warm again and let the water rinse your hair. "Oh dont worry about that. I will make it there just in time. We still have an hour left. " Arthur helped you out of the bathtub and handed you his coziest bathrobe. The soft ness of it felt like a warm hug as you sat down on the couch. Arthur turned arond  after he reached down his brown paper bag "Hey, wanna help me do some baloon animals? It might distract you from....you know.." He grabbed one of the baloons and created a small heart for you. And the moment he handed you the baloon , smiling at you from cheek to cheek, you knew that he will be on your side forever.

[shhh-no-ones-home]

speechless chris motionless x reader

+++++++++

wow this is so long, oh well, lol

hes mad cute

song: addicted to love by robert palmer, covered by Florence and the machine

tag list: @thisplace-ishaunted @ryansitkowskiswifey @alilpunkrock @theoneandonlykymberlee

+++++++++

i watched chris nervously step closer to where ryan and i were standing. he had been acting a little weird lately and i couldnt quite figure out why. the last couple times we had talked he was fidgety and tripped over his words, which was weird for him. normally he was very intelligently spoken and moved with such swagger around people. almost like he was trying his hardest to impress everyone.

"hey ryan."

he said quickly. i frowned.

"im here too ya know."

he looked down at me and let out a nervous laugh, one that came out a little too loud.

"right, hi y/n."

i huffed out.

"hi chris. hows it going?"

"uhh..."

i raised a brow.

"ya know what, ive gotta go."

ryan and i exchanged glances as he quickly walked away from us, avoiding everyone's gaze and staring intently at the ground as he moved. i turned back to ryan.

"what the heck was that?"

he just shrugged at me and took another sip of his beer.

"beats me, ive never seen him like this before, even around like girls he likes. surely it couldnt be something like that."

i kicked the rocks under me haphazardly.

"what do you mean?"

he set his empty bottle on the ground.

"well normally when he likes a girl hes all like suave and shit, making jokes, getting her to laugh, small touches, flirty and shit. like theyve been best friends forever."

i raised a brow.

"but hes never acted like this. its almost like hes super nervous about something."

i crossed my arms over my chest and looked in the direction he had walked off in.

"hmm, maybe we'll just have to get to the bottom of this one then."

he laughed at me and nudged my arm.

"yeah, you have fun with that, i dont wanna be lumped into this one. i learned my lesson last time you tried to drag me into one of your crazy ideas."

i looked at him and frowned.

"it was not a crazy idea."

he sent me a look.

"yes it was, we were locked in the dressing room for almost an hour. no one could get us out and we were almost late to our own show."

i let out a nervous laugh.

"okay, youve got me there, i forgot about that one."

he patted my back lightly.

"yeah, ill see you later. try not to get yourself in too much trouble."

i watched as he started walking away from me towards the venue.

"ill try my hardest."

now i needed to come up with a plan. try and figure out why chris was acting all weird and shit. and i needed to do it fast, like before dinner. i walked quickly to the bus and went straight to my bunk. i scrolled through my phone for ideas, trying to brainstorm how to get him to talk to me. hell i was even looking at those stupid snap chat stories about how to tell if someone has a crush on you. nothing was helping though. then ricky walked to the back of the bus.

"rick!"

he jumped and clutched his chest.

"jesus christ y/n cant you give a dude a break every once in a while?"

i laughed a little and jumped down from my bunk.

"absolutely not, but i have a question."

he looked at me annoyed.

"what?"

"do you think chris has been acting weird?"

he raised a brow.

"not around me he hasnt. why did you say something to him?"

"well, no, thats why i was asking. everytime hes been near me for the last like week and a half hes been super nervous and cant talk right. its super weird for him to say the least."

he shrugged.

"i dont know, i havent noticed anything like that, you could go talk to him about it if you really wanna know whats up though."

i stroked my chin and thought.

"i guess youre right, given hell actually talk to me."

i looked up at him.

"thanks rick, ill see you at dinner."

i grabbed my jacket and made my way to the front of the bus and as soon as i was reaching for the door handle to leave it swung open and there was chris.

"oh, sorry y/n."

he stepped back to let me out, i reached for his hand before he could walk onto the bus after me though.

"hey, can i talk to you for a second?"

he looked worried.

"uh, what about?"

i sent him a look.

"just come here."

he hesitated.

"please?"

he sighed.

"okay."

i pulled him to follow me around the other side of the bus.

"chris is something wrong?"

he raised a brow.

"no?"

i crossed my arms over my chest.

"are you sure? cause youve been acting really weird lately."

he let out a nervous laugh.

"so you did notice."

"yes?"

i said hesitantly, dropping my arms.

"look, its nothing, just dont think about it."

i reached for his hand but he tried to pull away. i grabbed it anyways and sent him a look.

"dude, why are you so sweaty?"

he pulled his hand out of mine and shoved it in his pocket.

"look, just leave me alone, its nothing."

he pushed past me.

"chris you can talk to me!"

i called after him but he just kept walking. i stood their defeated for a second before something clicked. if he wasnt gonna talk to me then i was gonna get him to talk to someone else.

---

"dude are you alright?"

i heard aj say from the other side of the cracked door. chris just groaned.

"why does everyone think im not okay?"

"i dont know man, maybe cause youve been acting weird."

"i have not."

i pressed my back firmly against the wall and whispered "yes you have." to myself.

"come on man, somethings gotta be bothering you. is it y/n?"

"why the hell would it be y/n?"

he said defensively. so it was.

"so it is y/n."

aj said mater-of-factly. chris just sighed.

"can you keep a secret?"

i raised a brow, assuming aj just agreed with him but didnt say anything.

"she just does something to me. i didnt think about it before but she did, this thing, like two weeks ago and i cant stop thinking about it. and not to mention the endless flirting. its getting to me. bad. i think im in love."

my eyes went wide. i wish i knew what it was i did that drove him so mad.

"dude she flirts with every one, thats just how she is."

"i know aj but it was different. i see how she flirts with everyone else and it wasnt like that. it was nice, and genuine."

his voice dropped in volume. he seemed smitten.

"she makes me weak man, my hands get all sweaty and i cant think straight when shes around. i dont know what to do about it."

i breathed deeply and put my head in my hands. if only he would just ask me out.

"and what about the thing that she did? that started all of this?"

my head snapped up. god bless you aj for asking the important questions.

"yeah, i dont even really know what it was. it was just her, like actually her. her personality and the way she just moves. it was unlike anything ive ever seen before, like a curtain had just dropped."

fuck. i knew exactly what he was talking about. i had a tendency to make personalities for different people, act how they wanted me to act and cater to their personal needs. but when i was around him it felt like i didnt have to do that anymore. he dropped his facade for me and i kinda did the same back, we had gotten so much closer up until that point and he saw me for who i really was for the first time ever and that was rare.

"maybe you just like talk to her or something."

i laughed a little to myself that you could barely hear.

"how the hell am i gonna do that? i cant even get words out when shes in the same room as me."

i pushed off the wall and started pacing around the hallway.

"well come on then."

i froze and turned around, walking quickly to the door again. i watched it swing open and aj pulled chris out into the hall, the two of us running into each other.

"shit!"

i said as i fell into him and he tried to steady me.

"are you okay?"

aj laughed.

"look, its perfect timing."

i looked up at him as he winked at me and walked back into the room. chris let out a nervous laugh and scratched the back of his neck.

"sorry about that. uh can i talk to you y/n?"

i looked up at him and nodded.

"yeah, sure, whats up?"

he took my hand in his and walked a little further down the hall so we werent near the door anymore.

"you asked me earlier what was wrong and i told you nothing but i lied."

i inhaled deeply.

"okay?"

he held both my hands loosely.

"ive been acting weird because i dont know what to do with myself around you. you drive me crazy in such a good way and i cant think straight. my knees get weak, my hands get clamy, i cant eat, i cant breathe."

i pulled one hand out of his and put my finger to his lips to shush him.

"chris you dont have to do that."

he took my hand away from his face.

"but i do. i love you y/n and its killing me."

i bit my lip and just stared up at him. he squeezed my hands.

"please say something. reject me, gratify me, tell me im not crazy, just say something."

i reached up and grabbed his face, pulling him down to me and kissing him deeply. then i heard cheering from behind me and let him go to see who it was. it was aj. i turned back to chris and we both just laughed.

"that enough words for you?"

i asked as i felt a blush creeping its way up my face. he nodded.

"yes. god yes."

he pulled me closer to him and kissed me again. when we pulled away we just smiled at each other like idiots.

"y/n will you be my girlfriend?"

i smiled at him and nodded.

"id love to."

[espressogal]

https://detoxifying my brain

12:28 -- diary entry 

i havent done work in a while bc of the virus and classes becoming online so i finally sat down and wrote down all my assignments due and lectures coming up and read through the instructions and planned out how i’m gunna execute it and emailed my TA on areas i don’t understand so that at no point during this break will i have something due the next day and have anxiety bc idk where to start. also today started with a shit morning bc i went to work only to find out that my shift was cancelled and no one told me and so the cook made me a bacon and caramelized onion omelette and potatoes and i was happy after. also i made a soy latte. and then i took a bus home, got coffee for my dad otw, got yelled at by my parents later, and then isolated myself in my room. i’m rlly not taking shit from anyone today tbh. i also turned off my phone which rlly helps me get shit done. oh and we got groceries yesterday and i saw this recipe on tik tok where they boiled almond milk with natural oats and frozen fruits and i wanted to try that ever since bc it sounds so good so i got all the ingredients except soy instead of almond bc almond milk tastes like cardboard to me. ask me why i’m so obsessed with vegan food (tofu, chick peas, lentils, soy milk) when i’m not even vegan. like i used to hate the idea of being vegan but the food is actually bomb but at the same time i need meat once in a while so i can never fully convert. alsooo i took a myers briggs test today and got infp again which is kinda crazy bc sometime last year i was an enfp?? i think or an enfj but the year before i was an infp so clearly i went thru some identity crisis last year which is usually what happens during my first year of high school / uni like i just become so social and outgoing and then after that i stop giving a shit and just chill with a small group of friends, which btw have been pissing me off and i feel like i rlly dont have any real friends anymore. i did put my pride aside and reach out to some old friends including one that i ended on bad terms with and it was really nice tbh. i find it so hard to like people and idk why. i just feel like i’m meant to be alone in life. that way i wont bother anyone and no one will bother me. but ill have occasional interactions with people every now and then. i have absolutely no problem with being a cat lady and living alone (not lonely though). i feel so much peace when i’m by myself. idk why people hear that and feel bad for me like wow thats so terrible and depressing that you want to be alone all the time like no its not???? its not depressing at all actually and i feel like more ppl need to normalize that concept that being introverted does not equal being lonely and shy. and ppl need to stop trying to teach ppl how to be extroverted. why is that even a thing?? moreover why do people always confuse introversion with shyness and extroversion with being outgoing?? those are completely different things and it would be more understandable why you’d wana help a shy person become more outgoing but thats only because shy people often want a change but u cant take a person who genuinely and (in recent studies show) physiologically prefer being alone and just Make them enjoy parties and social events like u just cant do it. trust me i’ve tried. it all depends on the company and the scenario. going drinking with some close friends wearing pj’s sound soo much more fun that wearing a short dress and drinking at a club. also the weathers been so beautiful lately and i’m so fucking mad at this stupid virus like can u fuck off already. i rlly wanna go out and take walks and ride the train and go to downtown and explore the city by myself ugh. i wanna finish the secret history like i deadass have been reading that shit for a year omfg. i need to clean my room, do my laundry, and then try to get some work done?? then after that i’ll have the night to myself and maybe i can try to read then who knows ok bye 

[lilacsos]

Babysitter AI

A/N: Ok so this has been in the works for a month and I never finished it. I made a poll asking what I should write next and the winner was Ashton fluff so here is Ashton fluff. It also kinda switches between focusing on you and Ash and Luke at home with the kid so I hope it’s not confusing. I also put a keep reading cause I feel it’s long

Requested: Kinda?

Words: 3048 (a lot compared to my usual 1500)

Pairing: Ashton Irwin x reader

*Warnings*: Mentions of miscarriage, cute dad!Ashton, babysitter Luke, y’all have a son named Oliver

Summary: You and Ashton have been dating for years and you now have a nineteen-month-old son and you haven’t had a date night since before he was born. In comes Uncle Lu to watch the little tot while you and Ash go out

Masterlist  Wanna be tagged?

     Date night. It was something you and Ashton used to have at least once a week. Sometimes more or less depending on his tour schedule. It was one of the things you had looked forward to the most because those were nights the two of you could get out and just be you two again. Sometimes Ashton took you to fancy restaurants that he paid extra to make sure fans or paparazzi didn’t find out you would be there. Sometimes Ashton took you to the McDonald’s drive-thru and you guys sat and ate in the car outside of the house forever. Recently, there haven’t been as many date nights. It wasn’t that you and Ashton were fighting or anything, you had a baby. You loved your little Oliver with all your heart but he was about nineteen months old right now and you were exhausted. Luckily tour had ended a month or so before you gave birth so Ashton was home to help you since Oli was born. But, the two of you hadn’t had a date night in almost two years and you missed them. Ashton had expressed to you how much he missed them as well; so, with that, the hunt for a babysitter began. You knew you could ask the neighbors or use one of those websites but you were worried about people sending out personal information about you guys or your son. That’s what happened when you have a child with a famous man. Now was when you wished you lived closer to family that could watch the little guy but no one was close enough. The only people close were the boys. It’s not that you didn’t trust them, you just didn’t trust them. You and Ashton have been searching since Oliver was ten months but no one seemed good enough. At this point, you were tempted to hire a nanny. You were brought out of your thoughts by the sounds of Oliver’s laugh. The boys were over visiting and currently Luke and Oliver were playing.

     “Come on Ash! One of us or all of us are fit to take care of Oli!” Michael laughed and threw his arm around your shoulders. “You guys need a date night and some adult conversations. Let one of us watch the little man.”

     You smiled at Michael and glanced over at your boyfriend of four years. He looked to be entertaining the idea of the boys watching his son; while Ashton thought, you looked back at your son. He looked just like Ashton. Oli had the same curly brown hair, hazel eyes, and adorable little nose. In your eyes, Oliver was perfect and no one could change your mind. You watched as he giggled as Luke grabbed him under the arms and threw him up into the air and caught him on the way down. Oliver let out a little squeal that soon turned to a scream. “I think this means boob please!” Luke yelled over the screaming, sending Ashton off to grab a bottle to heat up. It was close to his bedtime so he was ready for a bottle and to be put down.

     “He doesn’t get boob anymore Luke! He just gets a bottle! Those puppies are all mine!” Ashton called from the kitchen, causing you to roll your eyes and Michael to crack up. He came back into the living room, sending you a wink before he grabbed Oliver from Luke and went upstairs to put him to sleep.

     Luke came to sit on the other side of you and smiled. “Yeah, Y/N. I really think one of us could watch Oli no problem. Maybe not Calum.” He snorted and gestured over to Cal who had been asleep in the chair for an hour.

     “I’ll talk to Ash. Thank you guys for offering though. You guys are the best.”

          You and Ashton had spent almost a week talking about having one of the boys babysit Oli and you finally came to a decision. In less than an hour, Luke would be over to watch Oliver while you and Ashton had a date night. It might not have seemed like an obvious choice to pick Luke but you had seen the way Luke played with Oli and how much your son enjoyed spending time with his Uncle Lu. Not to mention you had Michael on call in case Luke needed extra help. Ashton came up behind you and wrapped his arms around your waist. You glanced at him through the mirror and sighed. “What if something goes wrong?”

     Ashton kissed your shoulder and spun you to face him. “It won’t Doll. Luke will be fine. And if anything were to happen, which it won’t, Michael is ready to come over.”

     You sighed and rested your hands on his shoulders. “I really hope so.”

     Ashton smirked and leaned in to kiss you but the sound of your son’s voice stopped him. “Daddy!” The squeal that erupted from Oliver’s lips when Ashton picked him up make your heart swoon. Ashton peppered kisses all over his son’s face as you stopped to take a picture. At the sound of the doorbell, you ran downstairs and opened the door to find Luke with a bright smile and a teddy bear bigger than Oli.

     “This is for the little tyke. I hope he likes it.” Luke set the bear on the couch and looked towards the stairs to see Ashton helping Oliver down the stairs.

     “He’s gonna love it since it came from his Uncle Lu.” Ashton laughed and watched Oliver run over to Luke and grasp onto his legs. “Ok, Oliver didn’t have a nap today so he will be tired. Usually, his bedtime is seven but since he didn’t nap you can probably get him to go down at 6:30 if you try. There’s a bottle in the fridge, all you have to do is heat it up. We usually set it in warm water for no more than ten minutes.”

     “If he gets fussy, start making the bottle. You can ask him if he’s tired and he might tell you ‘yes’ but he’s gonna avoid sleeping for as long as he can. Make sure to change his diaper and pjs before bed. Rock him in the rocking chair while he drinks his bottle and sing to him. Then just put him in bed.” You grabbed your coat off of the rack and smiled at Oliver who had plopped himself down at Luke’s feet and began to play with his shoelaces.

     Luke stared at both of you with wide eyes as he tried to process all of the information he was just told. “Anything else?”

     “Yeah, if he wakes up, try to rock him back to sleep. Ashton usually sings him Close As Strangers when he wakes up in the middle of the night.” You turned to see Ashton standing at the open door.

     “Call us if you need anything Luke. Or call Michael.” Ashton wrapped his arm around your waist and smiled. “We should be home by nine.”

     Luke grabbed Oliver in his hands and brought him over so the two of you could say goodbye before you left. After many kisses on Oli’s chubby cheeks, the two of you set out ready for date night.

     Luke closed the door behind the two of you and smiled down at Oliver. “Alright pal, we have half an hour before I’m expecting you to get tired. What do you wanna do?”

     “Puppy!” Oliver squealed and pointed to the bookcase.

     “That’s a bookcase dude.” He set Oliver down on the ground and watched him run over to the books and pull out one with a puppy on the cover. “Oh, I get it. Puppy. Alright, let’s get to reading.”

     “Do you think he’s ok?”

     “I’m sure Oli is fine baby.” Ashton answered as he looked at the menu in front of him.

     “I meant Luke. Do you think Oliver is being too difficult? Maybe we should call Luke and check on him.” You sighed and set the menu down, not very hungry now.

     “Honey, he’s fine. Don’t worry about Luke. We’ve been gone for only twenty minutes. Oliver has probably been having Luke read to him the whole time. This is a date night for us to have adult conversations.” He reached over the tabled and grabbed your hand in his. “We can get ice cream after dinner if you want it.”

     With a small sigh, you smiled up at Ashton. “You know I can’t say no to ice cream.” Ashton seemed to think you finally had your mind off of your son as he went back to looking at the menu but he was wrong. What if Luke dropped Oliver? What if Oliver poked Luke in the eye and Luke needed to go to the hospital? What if someone broke into the house and stole Oliver?

     “Hey, I can’t read minds but I can read faces. You’re worried.”

     “How are you not worried?”

     “I trust Luke with my life. I trust him with Oli. You should too.” Ashton sighed and smiled up at the waiter who had come to take your order. “I’m sure they’re fine.” He mumbled after the young girl left.

     “Momma!” Oliver screamed once again as Luke tried to hand him the bottle. Oliver’s chubby little hands smacked the bottle out of his face and watched it fall to the ground.

     “Mommy is gonna be home soon. You need to drink your bottle if you want to see her.” Luke had been bribing the small child for almost fifteen minutes, trying to get him to drink the bottle. He suddenly had no idea how you and Ashton took care of Oliver and made it look so easy. Luke managed to change Oliver without too much of a hassle, thank god. Luke did not want to get baby pee on him. But giving him his bottle, was a whole different story.

     “No!” Oliver then took off down the hall, running away from Luke. With a groan, Luke took off after Oliver for the tenth time that night.

     After a few minutes of chasing his nephew, Luke scooped him up in his arms and bounced him around a little, seeing how Oliver rubbed his eyes. “Please drink your bottle buddy. If you drink it Momma and Daddy will be home sooner.”

     Something must have clicked because with that, Oliver grabbed the bottle and quickly began drinking it. Finally, something was going right. Luke sat down in the rocking chair and began rocking back and forth, singing Oliver to sleep. Once Oli was asleep, Luke leaned his head against the chair and closed his eyes. Now all he had to do was transfer Oliver into his crib which sounded pretty easy in theory but Luke couldn’t be sure that transferring him wouldn’t wake him up. So, he sat there for almost twenty minutes, rocking Oliver to make sure he was sleeping before he carefully stood and lowered Oli into his crib. Oliver wiggled a little bit and Luke held his breath as he watched the small child move around. Luckily, he continued to sleep and once Luke pulled the side of the crib up, he would hopefully be done for the night.

     “Do you remember the first time I kissed you?” Ashton asked with a laugh as he threw his arm around your waist, leading you through the park with your ice creams in hand.

     “How could I forget? It was 2015 and you guys won the ARIA for best Australian Live Act. You got so excited about the win that you kissed me. I didn’t even know what to think or do.” You answered with a laugh, smiling at the memory.

     “Ah, but what you don’t know is I had been trying to work up the courage to ask you out for months. It was that day that I decided I would ask you out after the show. Of course, I was not expecting to have already kissed you but, it went well.” Ashton took a lick of his ice cream before switching with you so you could get a taste of his and he could have some of yours.

     “Since apparently, this park has memory lane,” you stopped to smile when Ashton laughed at your joke, “do you remember when we found out we were pregnant with Oli?”

     Ashton smiled and took you to sit on a park bench. “Of course I do. That was the best day of my life. We weren’t trying for a baby but we weren’t preventing anything. You hadn’t been feeling good the past few weeks so I took you to the doctor and we didn’t even think you could be pregnant. So, when the doctor asked if we had unprotected sex, the gears started turning. They did a test and that’s when we found out we would be parents.”

     “You cried like a baby.” Ashton giggles at your words and pulled you to sit on his lap.

     “Can you blame me? I just learned I would be a dad, finally.”

     The two of you sat in comfortable silence for a while, just enjoying spending some time together. It had been so long since you two had time to yourselves, you didn’t know what to talk about. Of course, the lack of talking was fine too but it allowed your mind to wander. Oliver wasn’t your first pregnancy. You and Ashton had gotten pregnant the year before you were expecting Oliver. The baby hadn’t made it past the first trimester and it really hurt you and Ashton. So of course, when you found out you were pregnant again, you took every precaution to make sure he would be safe. Once you passed the point of hiding your growing bump, you finally told everyone. You also broke the news that this wasn’t your first pregnancy. Everyone was so supportive of you two which made everything a lot easier. Maybe that’s why you didn’t think a babysitter would ever be good enough for Oli.

     “What are you thinking about?” Ashton asked softly, bringing you from your thoughts.

     “Oli could have been a younger brother.” At your words, Ashton wrapped his arms around your waist and pulled you onto his lap, your head on his chest.

     “I know baby.” He kissed the top of your head, hands rubbing your back. “I’m so sorry this happened to you.”

     “It happened to you too Ash.” You mumbled as you pulled away from his chest to get a better look at him.

     “I know but it was your body that went through it. I wish I could have stopped it or helped you. I’m so sorry.” Ashton took the miscarriage hard as well. You knew he wanted a big family and he thought he was going to get started on that when suddenly his dream was crushed. The possibility of being a dad was ripped out of his hands and thrown away. He spent the first few months after the miscarriage with you, making sure you were ok. It wasn’t until after he felt you were fine, he began going through his own grieving process. The boys were a huge help during that time. “But now we have Oli and he’s the best son I could have ever asked for.”

     “I love you. You’re the best boyfriend and father to Oliver.”

     “And I love you. I can’t imagine my life without you.” Ashton smiled down at you, his hand coming to rest on your cheek as he leaned down, pressing his lips softly to yours. He rested his forehead on yours and smiled, kissing your nose.

     “I want another. I know it’s soon and Oli is still so young and it will be hard to have a toddler and a newborn but...”

     Ashton shook his head as he pulled back to see your face. “I don’t think it’s too soon. We can start trying. But first, let’s go home and see our boy.”

     “Oliver, are you kidding me?” Luke whined as he bounced the child in his arms. Oliver had woken up only after sleeping for a little more than an hour. Luke had been rocking him for the past 45 minutes, hoping and praying that the kid would go to sleep before you and Ashton came home. “Do you want me to sing you a song?”

     Oliver’s cries slowly died down as he nodded. “Daddy song.” Luke had no idea what that meant until he remembered your words before you left.

     “Ok, I’ll sing Daddy’s song.” Luke pushes Oliver’s hair out of his eyes and softly began to sing. “Six weeks since I’ve been away, and you’re saying everything has changed and I’m afraid that I might be losing you.”

     It didn’t take long for Oliver to fall asleep once more after Luke began singing. He laid the small boy back into the crib and once he was sure he was asleep, he wandered down to the living room and laid down on the couch, ready to pass out. In fact, he almost fell asleep until he heard the sound of the front door opening. Luke didn’t even bother to move as you and Ashton stepped into the house.

     “Hey Luke.” Ashton smiled, taking in the sight of one of his best friends on the couch. “How did it go?” He took your coat off of your shoulders and hung it on the rack.

     “Pretty good I would say. He fell asleep at seven since he was avoiding me and he stayed asleep for an hour before he woke up again. It took another hour to get him back to sleep but he’s sleeping now.”

     You smiled and once Luke was standing, you walked over and wrapped your arms around his middle. “Thank you, Lu. Really. Thank you.”

     Luke smiled up at Ashton and kissed your cheek. “Anything for the mother of my favorite nephew.”

     “He’s your only nephew, for now at least.” At Ashton’s words, you turned to look at your boyfriend with a smile. “Want to take Oli to the park next week so we can work on baby’s number two?”

     “Only if Michael puts him to bed next time.”

Tags (If your name is crossed out it means I can’t tag you)

@lustingfor5sos @mycollectionofnuts @ohhmuke @softboycal @norawashere  @astrosashton @katiaw2 @littlesinnersins @bbyboyycal @rosecoloredash

[livelovelaug-h]

Normal life? Nice try trickster

Dean x reader

A/n: This is for @supernatural-jackles #Weekly Writing Challenge. The line is "you cant ignore me forever" it'll be in bold.

"yea well I wish I never had this life and I wish I never met you."

*snap*

You were sitting in a chair at a desk??? You narrow your eyes what the heck?? Where were you. You heard phones ringing. You looked around and right behind your desk you saw Someone familiar. "Sam?"

"Hey y/n what's up?"

" whats up? Or more like what are we doing here."

"working?" He laughs. "how much did you have to drink last night?"

"drink? I didn't drink last night. Actually I can't remember anything about last night after we got back from a hunt"

"a hunt? You shot an animal? And who's we"

"no what ? Me, you and Dean."

"Dean, the boss?

"boss? What ?"

"Sam you guys are going to get in trouble for talking"

"who are you?"

"y/n it's Ian, are you high? Wouldn't be the first time" He laughs.

"no I don't do drugs."

He huffs a laugh "yes you do, we smoked last week at that party."

"what? No I didn't even know you last week."

"everything okay over here?"

"Dean?" "your hair's different" you whispered but they all still heard.

"I don't think shes feeling very well today." Sam says.

"since when do we work here? " You asked.

"...................did you hit your head or something?"

"actually -."

"why don't you take a sick day. I'll see if Brad can come get you. Let's go to my office."

You pick up your jacket and phone. "Brad? Who's Brad?" Following Dean to his office. He shuts the door.

"is something going on I should know about."

"no but something doesn't feel right about this place."

"you mean work?"

"yeah we don't even work here. I mean what even is this place?"

He stared at you with a confused face "Look I don't know if you're doing drugs or something but it isn't appropriate do to them before or at work okay? I texted Brad and he said he'll be here in 10."

You got sad. Why was he being so mean. You just whispered a quiet "okay".

Some guy came in asking if you were okay. He was about 6'1, skinny and looked like a normal guy. No plaid.

"um, I'm fine."

"okay let's get you home then." He started walking towards the door and you stared at Dean, you didn't want to leave him. You didn't know why but it hurt to leave a little something still felt off.

In the car it was quiet for awhile until you spoke up "so how do I know you?"

He rose an eyebrow and looked at you "are you that high?"

"I'm not high at all, clearly."

"sure and you Know me because we're dating."

"mmm-hhhm for how long ?".

"i don't know if I should be offended or not."

"I just feel like something's wrong or different i dont know."

"maybe you need to get a good night's sleep. More than 5 hours."

"yeah that sounds good."

You went in and laid on the couch since you didn't want to share the bed. "Why are you laying there Lets go to bed." He said.

"no! I mean no it's okay I wanna try here."

He frowned. "Okay then good night." He kissed your lips quickly and it felt so wrong.

Morning time -

You woke up to the smell of bacon and pancakes. You totally forgot where you were previously so you called out deans name. "Dean?"

"y/n? Are you awake?" You walked into the kitchen still groggy. You got a little startled when you seen Brad and not Dean.

"ready for breakfast?" Brad asked giving you a big kiss on the cheek.

"ha ha you know what I'm not feeling that hungry I'm just gonna head out." You were about to head out when you seen you were still in your clothes from yesterday. You quickly found your room and changed, seeing a paper with the name of your work and the address you took it and walked out. After about 26 minutes of walking you got to work. "y/n your running late." The girl at the front desk says.

"really?"

"only about 5 mins."

"okay thank you." You got to the 8th floor clocked in and went to your desk. Apparently you had a meeting 5 minutes ago probably about 10 now. You ran in and Dean spoke up

"nice of you to join us y/n." All eyes were on you now. Dick move.

"uh, yeah I'm sorry I walked to work today." He nodded but still looked a little angry. "That's okay, you can just do this week's article then right?"

Article?? "Um, but I just do sales."

"yeah but Josh can help you. Also, I need it by Thursday afternoon." You looked at the time and date on your; Tuesday 9:45 am. Great so only about two day.

"okay yeah." You say. Why does he hate you so much. Your lunch break was at 12:20 and apparently you had another meeting at 1 p.m. You were running a little late since you had to walk to go get breakfast, quickly jogging into the building, you bumped into someones shoulder knocking there drink over them and the floor. "I am so so sorry." You looked and saw that it was Dean. Great he already hated you. You pick up the cup and say "I'll buy you a new I didn't mean-"

"it's fine." You can see the anger in his eyes. "Oh.... alright. Well here's some napkins." You were holding napkins still from your lunch so you used those and started dabbing his shirt. "I got it alright." He said with a little venom in his voice.

"ooo-kaay." You say on the verge of tears. The next day you went to his office to give him a coffee and his response was " I don't like that kind. Back to work." Wow that was cold. The next three days were hard after that, you tried to avoid Dean at all cost.

Your three day streaks ended this morning when you walked into the elevator with Dean and some girl following. It looked like he was going to say anything but then glared at you so you looked away. He was kissing her the whole way up to the 8th floor. "See you later baby."

And now about 3 hours later hes calling you into his office....

You didn't say anything walking into his office and you didn't really look in his eyes or at his face much.

"please sit down." You did as told.

"So we've been on a small budget at the moment and sadly... You're one of the people that are getting laid off."

Seriously??? "Is this because of the coffee? I didn't mean it."

"it's not because of that."

"....okay."

"your last name is Friday and I would still like the article by Thursday afternoon." You wanted to cry.

"why do you hate me so much?" You whispered.

"it's not about hate it's about having a small budget." He gives you one of those fake smile with a shrugs.

"yes you do I see it in your eyes when you look at me."

"it's not hate it's just you're like a kid to me, always messing up, always having to clean up your messes. You haven't grown up yet." You were surprised to say the least.

It was like a wave energy just hit you

"you still act like a kid, you havent grown up yet. always messing up, and I'm always having to clean up your messes."

You remember Dean saying that to you before. The whole arguments came to you in pieces.

"you said that to me before."

"what?"

"I knew this wasn't right. you have to remember so we can get out of here"

"look if this is your way of trying to get your job back-"

"no, you know you remember. I said I didn't want to have that life anymore and then bam I wake up here. Trickster." The surrounding changed and you were in a completely empty diner sitting across from Dean and the trickster.

"I really thought you would be the first one to get it but not this time." He said to you.

"what?"

"deano over here got it this morning."

"what? And you didn't tell me?"

"I just wasn't sure if you remembered it yet."

"no you did know.... You kissed that girl right in front of me."

"yeah that was just a bonus" the trickster laughed.

"okay, okay I was still mad." You shake your head "so what you thought it would make me jealous?" He shrugged.

"okay." Your about to get up when the trickster speaks up "alright the point of that you bozos was that no matter how Angry you guys were you still Remembered and you definitely didn't want that life y/n."

"yes I do, you just did it wrong it would have been way better if I didn't have to see Him"

"oh please." Dean says.

"Would you two idiots just put that stuff behind you and move on. You still care about each other." You snickered. He snapped his fingers and you started choking, you flung your hands to your throat.

"stop your hurting her." Dean yells causing him to snap again, causing you to breath again. "Tell me that's not caring." He says and disappears.

"Ughhh" you walk over to leave but the doors were locked. "Oh come on!" You sat all the way across the room from Dean. It was quiet for a minute when Dean spoke up "you can't ignore me forever."

Silence. You didn't answer. After another minute you finally spoke up: "was she good in bed?" He squinted his eyes at you.

"I didn't sleep with her."

"that's surprising."

"you know you went home with someone too."

"yeah but I at least know how to control myself." He got mad but didn't say anything.

"I slept on the couch."

" wh-"

"I slept there because he wasn't you, it felt wrong."

"yeah it did for me too." You looked over towards him. You were caught off guard when he asked "do you really hate me?"

You slowly made your way towards him "hmm idk that depends.... Do you? Or do you think I always mess things up?"

"look, I was mad and I just said somethings"

"you didn't answer the question." He started slowly making his way to you now.

"we all have messes even me and Sam, you know that. but we all help to clean it up." He reaches you. "I missed you " he says.

"I'm sorry y/n for the what I said. I love you with all my heart, i didn't mean any of it. Please forgive me." He grabbed a flower from one of the tables and put it in your hand holding your other hand. You smiled that stuff girly smile and your heart melted at his actions.

"I apologize too it wasn't just you I said some things too. And I forgive you Dean."

"Good because I forgive you too." He said grabbing your face and kissing you. It was rushed but it was the type of kiss where you poured all of your feelings into it. You missed his lips and his hands on your face. You both heard "took you guys long enough." You pull away to laugh but Dean pulls you back to his mouth.

[bourbonboredom]

A Reason To Believe Chapter 6

Being an undercover officer is a perilous job and Flip Zimmerman knows this far too well. He keeps his romantic life limited to one-night stands, never letting anyone get too close. That all starts to change when he meets a vivacious Jewish woman named Elle just as he’s about to take on a seriously dangerous  undercover job; infiltrating the KKK. Elle and his undercover work make him question things he’d never thought to before and challenge him to see the world, and himself, in a whole new light.

A Flip x OC Fic

Word Count: 4,339

Warnings:  brief N$FW moment, brief mention of violence

When I'm with you

It doesn't matter where we are

Or what we're doing

I'm with you, that's all that matters

(x)

Flip was surprised when he ran his tongue over his lip and it brushed his mustache. He was trying to get a stray crumb but instead was met with the taste of pussy. Elle's pussy. Guess he missed a spot when washing his face that morning. He fought back a grunt as the tartness melted on his tongue, a reminder of his night. And the night before that. And the night before that.

After he'd spent that first night over in Elle's apartment, he was there almost every night for the next few weeks. The only time he elected to stay at his own place was when his undercover case had him up at weird hours. He'd go back to his lonely apartment, sad to sleep in an empty bed. He used to purposefully wake up before his date, prying himself from their bed and leaving before they even noticed.

He was a big guy and would prefer to have the bed to himself. But the way Elle's body curled up next to his just felt right. He'd wake up to the smell of her hair and the feeling of silky skin under his hand. If anything, it made it harder to leave in the morning. But he could control himself, he assured himself. They both had jobs to do, no sleeping in allowed.

He'd be fine at work most of the day, paperwork kept his mind busy. But little things brought his thoughts back to Elle. He'd catch a whiff of her perfume on his collar, or a stray piece of hair on his shirt, or her cum in his mustache.

He'd fought he urge to call her the first week and a half or so. He'd see her later in the day, there was no point of stopping what he was doing to call over to the hospital. It wasn't until his job kept him from seeing her for three days did he finally swallow his pride and call.

Jimmy had caught him at his desk. Flip thought everyone had gone to lunch, and used it as an excuse to 'call the hospital' to 'get more info on Kukowski's medical status'.

"You're smilin' an awful lot to be asking about a perp's condition," His partners eyebrows were raised as he clutched his coffee mug.

"It's confidential, if you'll excuse me for a minute," He put his hand over the phone so Elle couldn't hear, though the giggling in the background made him think she still could.

"You're talking to that cute nurse aren't you?" Jimmy's smile took up his whole face.

Flip furrowed his brow.

"Thank you for the update ma'am, have a nice day," He put on his authoritative voice, making Elle laugh harder on the other end.

"Alright officer, you too. I'll see you at the diner tonight," She responded before the line disconnected.

He hung up the phone and stood up to get more coffee from the break room.

"Get all the information you needed detective Zimmerman?" His partner called behind him, voice full of smug glee.

He was just met with a middle finger as Flip left the room.

——

"I wanna take you out," He mumbled against her breast.

Post-coitus, Flip had taken to resting his head on her chest. It gave her easy access to run her fingers through his hair, and let him use her breasts as pillows as he came down from his high.

"Like a date? We were just at the diner yesterday," She reminded him.

"No, like a real date. We can go to this nice Italian place on my side of town. They have candles on the tables and they dim the lights and stuff,"

"I mean if you want to. I don't think I've been on a real date in like a year," She mused, fingers scraping along his scalp in a soothing motion. He was practically purring under her touch.

“I’d say it’s just about time then,”

“When was the last time you went on a date? A real one, not picking up a girl at a bar,” She turned her head so she could look at him.

Her curls, which had been fanned across the pillow moments before, were gathered in to a braid and thrown over her shoulder. He was playing with the end of it, dragging the hair across her skin and watching her try not to act ticklish.

“I don’t know, maybe a couple of years ago?”

“You don’t have to answer if you don’t like the question, but why aren’t you married?”

His head rose from her chest as he propped himself up with his elbows. He looked at her, analyzing her face as he thought about how to answer.

“I am married. You’re my mistress, didn’t you know?”

“Phillip,” She rolled her eyes. “I’m serious. You’re a great guy, respectful, good in bed, you got a good job, I can’t figure out how you haven’t been snatched up,”

“I’m married to my job is the short answer. Being on the force is hard. I work long hours, I can’t always be there, and I have to keep a lot of secrets,” He bit at his lip as he thought of what he wanted to say next.

There were some things he wasn’t quite ready to share with her, mainly that he was an undercover officer and not just a regular guy on the force. If they were truly keeping things casual, he wanted to keep her away from the more dangerous aspects of his job. If they kept this going and got more serious, he pledged to himself to have an honest conversation about his position, and what it could mean for their relationship.

“I had a long time girlfriend when I joined the force. Linda. We started dating right before I was accepted at the academy. She helped me through it, staying up studying with me, going to my graduation. My mom kept asking me when I was going to propose. I thought I wanted to, maybe in the next year or so. But police work kept getting harder. I’d be working long nights, had to cancel a few dates. Linda was okay with it at first, but it kept happening. I’d try to make it up to her, but I was new to the team and a lot of the grunt work would fall on me. Eventually she broke up with me, said she couldn’t take it anymore. She never knew where I was or if I was safe or whether she was going to see me that night. I understood, tried to tell her it would get better, but I knew I couldn't make her happy anymore,”

“So I kept on with work, tried dating a few other girls after that but it was the same problem. They wanted me home for dinner every night and being a detective just doesn’t allow for that. Flings have just been easier,”

He didn’t realize he’d looked away from her while speaking, vulnerability bubbling up in his chest as he spoke. He looked back at her to see she’d been watching him the whole time. Her brow was slightly furrowed and her eyes tinged with sadness.

“I’m sorry that happened,” She started. “You deserve someone who understands,”

“You have pretty well,” He offered.

“My job is just similar is all. Long shifts, late nights. It’s a pain in the ass to work around, you just gotta find the right person. I thought I had, back in Indiana. I was seeing this guy, Abe. He worked at the university nearby and never complained about my job. He was the first guy who didn’t immediately try to get me to quit and become a housewife. He seemed to get that my job was important to me, that I really love what I do,”

“But?” Flip asked. Elle sighed and shrugged her shoulders.

“But once I got the opportunity to come work here in Colorado things started to change. Abe even talked about moving with me at one point, him getting a job at a state college down here. But the closer the moving date got, the more keen to stay in Indiana he was. It was just talk to him, a fantasy. He never really intended on moving, and never thought i’d actually want to go. When he realized what I really wanted, he begged me to stay with him. He gave me his grandmother’s wedding ring and asked me to marry him,”

“He didn’t really know you all that well then, huh?”

“No, I guess not,” Elle let out a dry laugh. “If I wanted to marry him, I would have by then. I think he thought it was romantic, a sweeping declaration of love. It really just cemented my decision to leave. I gave him the ring back and told him I was sorry. I took a Greyhound to here a week later,”

“I guess we’re both married to out jobs then,” Flip set his head back down on her chest.

“I do have to wear white everyday,” She noted, stifling a laugh. He chuckled at her joke along with her.

“We don’t have to worry about labels or anything right now. We’re just two busy adults having a good time with one another. No weddings or family heirlooms involved,” He assured her, his hand reaching up to play with the pendant sitting near the hollow of her throat.

“You’re the only guy I’m seeing right now,” He could feel the vibrations from her voice as she spoke. “I’m okay with this being more casual, but I thought you should know,”

“You’re the only girl I’m seeing right now,” He left out the part where even if there were others, he’d drop them in an instant to be with her. He knew he should take it slow, for both their sake, but he couldn't help but feel this was a little more emotionally invested than just having a good time together.

“Wow, we’re really bad at this,” She teased.  “So, as two casual-but-currently-monogamous professionals, when is the best time for us to go on a date?,”

“Maybe Saturday night after you get off work? I can pick you up,” He knew he'd be meeting ‘the organization’ at Felix's house earlier that day. It would be his first meeting with the whole bunch, but he didn't expect it to last into the night.

“Only if we go dutch with the check,” She pointed at him.

"Of course," his palm rubbed against her bare breast catching her nipple. “Now do you think we can fit one more round in before midnight?”

She gasped under his touch, giving him a sly smirk before pulling him into round three for the night.

-------

If Flip knew he was going to spend his Saturday being forced to take a lie detector test at gunpoint, listen to his partner throw a rock through the window of a klansman's house, and then have to chase after said klansman to make sure his partner wasn't shot, he would have chosen a different night for his date with Elle.

But here he was, heart rate still trying to even itself as he drove home hours later. He would've been fine if Ron didn't throw a rock through the window of Felix's house. He would’ve talked his way out somehow. What was he even thinking? A black man instigating an attack while the house was crawling with armed white supremacists? He'd spoken to him about it at the station after he left Felix's, it didn't go great.

Ron was more focused on trying to make Flip impassioned about the cause. Trying to get him to feel the same way as he did, even though that wasn't him. He didn't let personal stuff get in the way of his work, he couldn't if he wanted to do a good job.

“Doesn’t that hatred you’ve been hearing the Klan say doesn’t that piss you off?” Ron had asked him in the dimly lit records room before they headed out for the weekend.

“Of course it does,” He’d responded. It was an easy question to answer, but it felt much more complicated under the surface.

“Then why you acting like you ain’t got skin in the game, brother?”

The Rookie’s words were frustrating. He didn’t understand what it was like for Flip growing up. His family pushing away their religion and their culture to fit in, until they were left with nothing but a name and some disregarded family heirlooms hidden away in the closet. Him never feeling like he really fit in with his Christian classmates, but also unable to relate to any Jewish people he met. He was always stuck in some middle ground, somewhere between what his parents wanted him to be and what they tried to keep from him.

Of course he had skin in the game, when the Klan talked about hating Jews, they were talking about his family. They were talking about Eliana. They were talking about him. Ron wasn’t considering how maybe it was so easy for him to slip into the roll of ‘White Anglo-Saxon Protestant, cherry pie, hot dog, white boy’ because it was all he ever knew. It’s not like he’s parading around with these racists and heading on home to Shabbat after, he knew nothing about the culture the Klan hated him for being apart of.

“Rookie, that’s my fucking business,” He gritted out, making direct eye contact with Ron. He didn’t want to talk about this anymore, especially not with his partner.

“It’s our business,” Ron responded.

Fuck that. He left him standing there in the back of the room as he lit a cigarette. It’d help calm him down.

Flip took a deep breath in an attempt to clear out all feelings from his work. He decided to focus on the night ahead. A date with Elle. A real date with Elle. He'd picked out his clothes earlier that day, his nerves getting the better of him. The black slacks and white polyester shirt were lying on his bed with a pair of dress shoes on the floor.

He slipped out of his work clothes and took a quick shower before re-dressing, his large hands buttoning the shirt with a practiced ease. He took a look in the mirror, smoothing down his damp hair into his usual center part before adjusting his cuffs.

All he could think when he looked at his reflection was of Felix pointing the gun to his head. It wasn't the first time it had happened. He'll, he'd been to war before he was on the force. And he'd been an undercover officer for the last three years, he'd had his fair share of close calls. But this was different. That gun wasn't to his head because of something completely out of his control; his heritage. Something he didn't even see as a big part of him.

What would have happened if they somehow found out who he really was? Would he have been shot over something so trivial? Was it trivial if someone wanted to kill him over it? He wasn't even a practicing Jew. But would that have mattered?

He laced up the dress shoes and shrugged on his sherpa jacket before leaving his quiet apartment to pick up his date. He tried hard to push his work out of his mind, turning up the radio to let a Chicago song take up the overworked parts of his brain.

Time passes much too quickly 

When we're together laughing

I wish I could sing it to you, oh no

I wish I could sing it to you

He pulled up to Elle's right as she was walking out the front door. She beamed as she saw his car pull up. He put it in park and was about to climb out to open the door for her when she yelled over for him to stay inside.

Perplexed, he sat in the drivers seat as she got in the car and settled in the passengers side.

"You don't need to get out of the car just to get back in, I can open a dumb door by myself," She explained, giving him a peck on the cheek after.

"If you insist," He caught her face before she turned away, pulling her into a longer kiss on the lips.

She hummed with content as his lips pressed against hers, an emotion he felt himself. The world disappeared for a second, his problems evaporating when he could smell her perfume permeating the air around them.

They broke apart and it took him a moment to drift back to reality. With one hand on the wheel and one hand resting with hers in the median, he drove off toward their destination.

Giuseppe's Italian Restaurant was a tiny whole-in-the-wall joint, with decor that hadn't been updated since they opened in 1940. But they had some of the best reviews in the city.

Flip let Elle get out of the car on her own, taking a good look at her outfit for the night. Her hair was down, her dark curls contrasting against her fair skin. Her necklace rested against her clavicle as always. She was wearing a floral dress, made of a flowing material. The neckline was tight and plunged, showing a fair amount of skin, but the skirt came to mid-calf and was gathered. It wasn't something he'd ever picture her wearing but she looked fantastic.

"A dress?" He placed his hand on her lower back as they walked toward the entrance. "Weren't you just protesting by wearing pants to work?"

"I'm not at work, am I? I can clean up nice from time to time," She wore a sly smile as they were escorted to their table.

Wine was ordered with dinner, the plates of food so big that they had to move the candle to the side of the small table. Everything was going great, the two of them talking in hushed tones and laughing in not-so hushed ones. They picked off each other's plates, earning the occasional side-eye from some of the more refined diners. Elle would raise an eyebrow at them and they'd turn their attention back to their own table.

He was about to take another bite of pasta when he saw a man walk by the window who looked awfully familiar. Blonde hair, slight build, gaunt face, Felix-like. Flips blood suddenly ran cold. His eyes trained on the front window as the man walked by, trying to get a better look at him.

The man walked by, not bothering to look inside the restaurant. After a few seconds of studying his face, Flip determined it wasn't Felix. He breathed a sigh of relief, trying to yet again push the image of a gun to his head out of his mind.

"Flip?" He heard his voice called.

He turned his head back to the table to see Elle staring at him, brow furrowed. She'd rested her hand on top of his, something he hadn't even felt her do.

"You drifted for a moment there, are you feeling okay?" She asked.

“Yeah, just thought I saw someone from work, sorry about that,"

"Do you want to leave? We can eat the rest of this later if you'd like,"

"No, no, let's finish our date. I'm fine, really," He squeezed her hand, hoping to reassure her.

She gave him a look before continuing to eat. They filled the next couple of minutes with small talk, his mind still half at work as he thought about what happened at Felix's.

"Tell me more about your family," He found himself saying.

"Uh, what do you want to know?" She asked, looking at him with uncertainty.

"Why did they come to America? You said it was before the way right? Why America?"

"It's the land of opportunity. Coming from 1930s Germany, where they weren't even considered to be citizens, America was a paradise,"

"How were they not citizens?"

"Jews weren't citizens under the Nuremberg laws. Even if they'd lived in the country for generations, like my family. Before the war even started, dozens of restrictions were put on Jews to prevent them from contributing. We had to identify our businesses, we had to be in a registry, we couldn't marry outside our race-"

Flip's brain clicked. Jews were considered a race, not always just a religion. He knew this, but something in the way Elle spoke of it brought back memories of events he hadn’t really considered before. The way "Jew" was said by kids in grade school on the playground. The way it was said in a hushed tone by his mother's Bridge Club when she's host them at their house after carefully hiding all family relics. The way it was spat like venom by members of the Klan, said like it was the lowest thing a person could be.

"What were the Nuremberg laws?" He asked.

"What are they teaching out here?" She half-muttered, looking concerned. "They were laws to systematically enforce discrimination against Jews. The holocaust didn't happen overnight, the government worked for years to get Germany to see us as inferior. These laws prevented us from working and socializing outside our communities. Many fled, like my mother and father. They left in 1937, and had to give up most of their wealth in order to be allowed to emigrate. The rest of the family stayed behind, and were eventually taken to the camps,"

She grimaced as she spoke, rubbing her pendant between her fingers.

"My mother's brother was the only survivor we know of our family. He came to the US to live with us after he was liberated. I'd never met him before the war but mama says he wasn't the same when he came to live with us. He rarely talked about his time in the camps, and held a lot of survivors guilt. He watched everyone around him die, I can't imagine what he had to do to survive,"

She had looked down while talking, and looked back up at Flip when she finished, seeming startled.

"Sorry, this is really heavy conversation for a date,"

"No, I was the one who asked. I guess there are a lot of things they don't teach about the holocaust in school,"

"It's a shonda, how can people be expected to learn from it if they don't even know about it?" She slapped her hand on the table, drawing another look from a nearby table.

"They teach enough for it to never happen again," He said

"I hope you're right," She sounded unconvinced. "But either way, my family came here with next to nothing. At least they got here, a lot of people who tried to come to America as refugees were turned away at the border. They had to go back to Europe, where many died during the war. My parents were fortunate to have friends here to help get them on their feet,"

"I don't really know where my family came from. My grandparents on my fathers side came from Russia, but my mother never talked about her family. She said they'd passed away when I was a baby. We didn't really talk much in my family if you can't tell," He tried to make light of the situation.

"Maybe you could find some records at your parent's house. Or you could talk to your grandparents, if they're still alive,"

"They're not, but my parents inherited a bunch of their stuff, so I could ask," He said, thinking to himself about how that might go. They should be more open to talking about family stuff. He was an adult for fucks sake.

He considered how different his life was from Elle's. An assimilated military family in middle America versus an immigrant family from the biggest melting pot city in the world. Vastly different lives that somehow became connected. He caresses her hand with his thumb as he took it all in. The two of them sitting in this tiny restaurant in the candle light, talking about their lives openly.

"I like you, Eliana, a lot," He confessed, unable to find the words to fully express his feelings.

"I like you too, Phillip,” She stopped the movement of his thumb so she could hold his hand. "And this date is nice, but I can think of some place I'd rather be,"

"Oh?"

She leaned across the table, lowering her voice for his ears only.

"In my bed, with you on top of me, fucking me into the mattress until dawn,"

He was grateful his hair covered his ears because they for sure just turned red. He felt his cock stir in his pants, his hips shifting to try to adjust.

"Were in public, you know that right?" He smirked, lacing his fingers with hers.

"I can't help it if I want you in me 24/7," She pouted, letting her big brown eyes work him over.

"Is that so?" He leaned forward, letting his lips press against her ear as he spoke.

"If you want my fat cock in you, you're gonna have to listen closely Trouble. We're going to get out of here, get in my car and drive home. You're gonna be a good girl, I can't be getting pulled over by a coworker because you can't keep your hands to yourself,"

Her breath hitched as he continued.

"When we get back to your place, I suggest you take that dress off before I tear it off you. And then you'll get what you want, do you understand me?"

"Ten-four, detective," She whispered.

A few seconds later he felt her bare foot ghost over his lap. She must have taken off her heel while he was talking, and was now rubbing him through the fabric. The little minx. He raised an eyebrow at her, holding her foot steady with his hand. He was suddenly thankful the tablecloths were long.

"You said I couldn't touch you in the car, were not quite there yet, are we?" Her eyes glinted and her mouth twisted into a devilish smile.

"Check please!" He choked out.

_______

NOTES

There aren’t a ton of notes for this chapter, its more of just dissecting Flip’s feelings and struggle with understanding his identity. Where Elle grew up very sure in her cultural/religious identity, Flip didn’t really “grow up Jewish” as he mentioned in the movie. I think he’d definitely struggle with his identity, especially when confronted with so much hate regarding it. 

Here’s a basic idea of what Elle’s dress might look like (center dress)

I mentioned the Nuremberg Laws in chapter 4, but if you want to hear about the atrocities of the holocaust listen to the Mengele episodes from Last Podcast On The Left. It’s a three-part series and a little hard to stomach at times. I have a pretty strong stomach when it comes to true crime but this one got me a few times where I had to take a break (definite TW).

A shonda is yiddish for a disgrace/scandal. Its great vocab for overdramatic people such as I.

Thanks for reading!

[sadprose-auroras]

‘About Time’ - Roger TaylorxFem!Reader (Part 1)

A/N: Hello my darlings! I can’t decide if I hate this or not, and I’m not sure if I’ll continue writing this, depends on the response. Please let me know if you want me to continue it (it would probably require way more parts, like a full on series). Hope you enjoy! - Also, this can apply to Ben Hardy’s portrayal of Roger. Whatever you prefer!

(This was totally inspired by a couple time travel fics I read a few weeks ago, I can’t remember the authors or the names but all credits to them for the time travel idea…. LOVE. IT. I just HAD to write my own, crappier version)

Find my other works here!

 You sunk to the floor, your knees giving out beneath you. You felt ridiculous, curling up in a ball, in your wardrobe, but you had reached your breaking point; everything had suddenly hit you. As you hugged your knees, sobbing, your jeans became tear-soaked. Your mind wandered, as your cheeks flamed in embarrassment and shame about your current state, despite nobody being around. How did you get here? A few months ago, your life was great. You had a great job, a great circle of friends and boyfriend, and you were pursuing your passion; studying fashion design. Then, everything began to crumble around you. All your friends turned on you, you got fired, and your studies began to slip as a result, causing you to fail an exam.  

 If all that wasn’t bad enough, you found out your boyfriend of two years had been cheating on you for a year and 11 months. Go figure. It was as if the universe was playing some long, cruel joke on you, just to see how long before you gave up on trying to pursue any kind of happiness. Just as you came to the conclusion that you really had nothing to fight for, leaning your head back on the wall behind you and closing your eyes, the strangest feeling overcame you. Your head began to spin, and pins and needles covered your entire body. You tried to open your eyes, to move your body, but you were frozen. Your heart rate increased rapidly, and you began to think that this was really it. Whatever was happening, you were going to die. Strangely enough, you couldn’t find it in yourself to care.  

 By some miracle, everything stopped. The pins and needles ceased, and, save a throbbing headache, you felt much better. You experimentally wiggled your toes, and you had feeling back again. Hesitantly, you opened your eyes, looking around you. It was dark, but you could make out the shapes of the clothes hanging around you. Oddly, you didn’t recognise any of them. The chair that was next to you when you closed your eyes was gone, replaced by a shoe rack.  

You stood up, closed your eyes again and rubbed your temples, trying to rid of the probable hallucinations. You racked your brain, thinking back to when you studied psychosis in high school. You couldn’t remember a thing. Was temporary paralysis a symptom? 

 You decided you needed to call a doctor. You pulled your iPhone out of your pocket, still in the dark, and opened up safari. You had no wifi, and no reception. Frowning, you opened the wardrobe door, the knob feeling unfamiliar, to be greeted by a figure doing the same. The door swung open suddenly, bouncing on its hinges.

 You both screamed loudly, and, without looking at the figure in front of you, you tried to push past to get away, however, a hand gripped you and pulled you back. 

 Your eyes became fixed on the man in front of you. You frowned, unable to tear your eyes off him. The hallucinations were getting worse; you were conjuring up images of people in your home. Hang on. You knew his face all too well; you had spent hours watching him drum and sing at concerts on YouTube. It couldn’t be, could it?

 “Who are you, and what the hell are you doing in my wardrobe!?” he asked, releasing his grip on you. You winced, rubbing where his fingernails had dug into you. This was all too much.

 “I should be asking you the same thing, why are you in my house? What’s going on?” you looked around the room, expecting to see your familiar bedroom; your posters plastered around the walls, your colourful duvet, and your plush white carpet. Instead, the walls were empty, the duvet was blue, and the carpet was grey.

 “I need to sit down,” you said, overwhelmed, perching on the edge of the unfamiliar bed. You glanced up at the man in front of you, his expression still shocked and wide-eyed, as he looked you up and down, his brows furrowing. 

 “God, you seem so real,” you laughed. “But there’s no way.”“What the fuck do you mean?” he replied. “I know I’m real, but I can’t say the same about you. I’ve never known anyone who can just appear out of thin air,” he shook his head in disbelief. 

 You frowned, rubbing your hands through your hair. “What do you mean, I appeared out of thin air?” your stomach began to sink. For reasons you couldn’t explain, something else was going on. Something much weirder than you initially thought.

 “Well, I don’t see how you could have got into my wardrobe without me seeing. I’ve been in my room for 20 minutes.” You glanced at his legs, frowning. What kind of person wears flared jeans anymore? 

 “I, um,” you began, a laugh escaping your lips despite yourself. This was all too ridiculous. You were actively avoiding eye contact with him. You figured if you acknowledged that it was him, at that age, in front of you, this would all go away. It was impossible. Suddenly, it all came together, as shocking as it was. It wasn’t him that was in the wrong place, it was you. This wasn’t your house. You had no wifi or reception. And, Roger Taylor, looking as he did circa 1972, was right in front of you. Had you time travelled? Your head span at the possibility. What else could explain these strange occurrences? 

 “What year is it?” you asked, this time properly meeting his eyes this time. Photos didn’t do the real thing justice; his baby blue eyes were maintaining steady eye contact with you, his lips were slightly parted, and his hair looked so soft and angelic. He was insanely beautiful. You internally cursed yourself. Now was definitely not the time.  

“1972…” he said, becoming even more confused. Your theory was confirmed. You’d watched all of the Back to the Future movies countless times, but you’d never imagined anything like that could ever really happen. Especially to you; plain, boring, old you. 

 “I know you’re probably not inclined to believe the crazy girl from your wardrobe, but I think,” you bit your lip, concerned at how he would take the news. “I think I’m from the future.” 

----------

 “So, you’re telling me you didn’t do anything for this to actually happen?” Roger asked. After trying to explain to him a million times, that yes, you were in fact just as confused as him, and no, you didn’t climb through his window, you tried to remain patient. He had every right to be confused as hell, you would definitely react the same if you were in his shoes. Despite this though, he was oddly trusting, allowing you to remain in his house and actually giving you the time of day to explain your side of the story. He even offered you a glass of water and something to eat, which you accepted gratefully. You were starving. 

 “Yes, I was literally just in my wardrobe, then the next thing I knew we were screaming in each other’s faces.” 

 “How do I know you’re telling the truth? You don’t seem very sane so far. I’m going to need some proof. You could just be a crazy girl who will do anything to sleep with me,” he smirked. You rolled your eyes. So the stories were true, he really was cocky.

 “Don’t flatter yourself, Taylor,” you retorted. “And no,” you said quickly, as he opened his mouth to speak, “I don’t know your surname because I’m a crazy stalker.” Your mind wandered to your extensive Queen record and CD collection. Okay, so maybe you were a little, but he didn’t need to know that. 

 “I know because Queen makes it big. I mean, massive.” You bit your lip nervously. If Back to the Future taught you anything, nobody should know too much about their own future. For the first time in your life, you had to think about what you said before you said it.

“How can I convince you?” you asked.

“I don’t know,” he sighed. “What year do you claim to come from, anyway?”

“2019,” you bit your lip. 

His eyes widened in disbelief. “Shit,” he mumbled. “Am I….?”

 “Still alive? Yeah.” Suddenly, you had an idea. You pulled your phone out of your pocket, thankful it was still charged. You turned it on, the time and date you had left still displayed on the screen (18th January 2019, 11:00), in front of a picture of Queen from 1975. You turned the screen towards him. 

 “Holy shit, is that me?” he gasped, leaning forward. “2019.” He looked up at you, and you shrugged and nodded. You were thankful he didn’t know the implications of having a picture of somebody as your lockscreen. 

 “There’s something else,” you unlocked your phone, opening music and searching for ‘Doing Alright.’ You pressed play, the song pouring out of the speakers.

Yesterday, my life was in ruin

Now today, I know what I’m doing… 

“Oh my god, that’s our song! We haven’t even released it yet.” He chuckled. You couldn’t help but grin at his excitement, encapsulated by his gorgeous smile. 

 “Wanna hear more?” you smirked. It’s funny, you had never felt so comfortable around somebody so quickly. You couldn’t quite put your finger on it, but something about him relaxed you. 

----------

 “Have you noticed I haven’t asked about that thing you’re holding, ‘cause I’m too scared to?”

 You laughed, covering your mouth with your hand. You’d spent the last half an hour playing Roger a few more Queen songs. A small nagging voice in the back of your mind was telling you to stop, to not reveal anything about his future, no matter how small. But Roger’s pleading to hear more won.

 “It’s actually a phone,” you said, to answer his question. “Well, that’s its main purpose anyway. You can use it to take and store pictures, play music, and use the internet. Which, well, you’ll find out about in approximately 18 years.”

 “I’m intrigued, what’s the internet?” he asked. You thought of all the unspeakable things you had come across on social media, and shook your head.“You don’t want to know.” He raised an eyebrow at you, and you tried to suppress a blush.  

You cleared your throat, averting your eyes from him as you straightened up in your seat. “What’s the time?” you asked. He glanced down at his watch. “3am,” he laughed in disbelief. “We should probably get some sleep. I’ll sleep on the couch.” 

 You shook your head rapidly, taken aback by his utter kindness. “Oh my god no, please, I will. It’s your house,” you said, getting up from the chair you were sitting on. He did the same. You both stood awkwardly, basically staring at each other. You couldn’t help but think of the times you watched a Queen documentary on TV, with the Roger of your time’s commentary. It was hard to believe the man in front of you was the same person.  

 He cleared his throat, tearing his eyes off you, and going into his bedroom, mumbling something about getting something for you to sleep in.  

 As you awaited his return, you couldn’t help but wonder why you were so focused on how flustered you were around Roger, and not worried about the fact that you were literally stuck in the wrong year, and had no idea how to get back. The funny thing was, you had no desire to. You hadn’t felt so at home in a long time, than when you were laughing and talking with Roger. He made you feel so safe, so quickly. And that feeling would only grow stronger when you both gave up on convincing the other to sleep on the couch, and ended up sharing his bed. 

PART 2: BONUS CONTENT THAT I WROTE THE SAME DAY AS PART ONE. I’M NOT GOING TO CONTINUE IT BUT WHAT’S THE POINT OF HAVING IT IN A WORD DOC N NOT POSTING IT?

When I was writing this, I couldn’t stop imagining rom-com moments. Like, the outfit section? A cute montage with a cute song. Damn I wish I could express the images in my head more clearly, in words. My writing sucks. 

“Y/N, wake up. Y/N!!” A familiar, yet foreign, voice startled you. As you came to your senses, you realised your usual soft, silky sheets were replaced with cotton ones, and an unusual smell wafted around you. You slowly opened your eyes, to be greeted by Roger leaning over you, a slightly annoyed look on his face. Fuck. It was real. He must’ve read your disappointment on your face, and he smiled sympathetically and nodded.

“Yep, you’re still here,” he mumbled. You couldn’t help but sigh; you’d hoped it was a really long, unusual dream.

“I have to go to rehearsal for a gig tonight. Do you wanna come?” Of course you didn’t want to pass up the opportunity to meet the rest of the band, and literally see the magic happen, you couldn’t help but feel like you were invading. But then again, who could say they had the chance to sit in on an early Queen rehearsal, especially knowing how successful and impactful they were going to become?

“I don’t – I don’t want to intrude,” you mumbled, sitting up in the bed and clutching the duvet around you, suddenly feeling exposed in Roger’s white shirt.

“Well it’s your choice, I understand that you probably don’t want to sit around with us when you could be finding a way back home or finding your parents or something,” he said.

Although you would never admit it, you wanted nothing more than to go with him. Not only was it literally history in the making, but the absence of your birth parents in your life, leading to a childhood of foster families who couldn’t care less about you, gave you a sense of independence at a young age. You knew how to be alone, seeking solace in music. Music created by the greats like Queen made you feel less alone, as silly as it sounded. It was your escape from the struggles in your real life.

“Wait, no. I want to come. If you don’t mind. But I need something 70s appropriate to wear,” you chuckled, glancing over at your high-waisted skinny jeans and cropped knit jumper folded neatly on a chair.

“I think that can be arranged.” Roger grinned at you, and you were struck with yet another wave of disbelief. Roger Taylor was going to lend you come of his iconic clothes.

After spending a couple of hours going through Roger’s clothes, which was your absolute dream, you finally settled on a pair of pants that were a little too short, and a shirt that was slightly too tight across the chest. You tried to spice up the outfit with a few of Roger’s necklaces, much to his dismay.

“Do I look okay?” you asked when you stepped out, twirling around with your arms out.

Roger, standing with a pile of clothes in his arms that you had rejected, furrowed his brows and looked you up and down. You couldn’t help but stifle a giggle at the sight; he was taking his job as your stylist very seriously.

“You’ll almost fit in,” he said, “although, the shirt is too tight,” he finished bluntly, gesturing to your chest. You folded your arms instinctively.

“Don’t worry, I won’t look at your boobs.” You frowned at this. Was that meant to make you feel better? Why did you feel slightly disappointed?

“Um, thanks?” you scoffed. “What should I do with my hair?” you tugged on each of your French braids. Roger walked towards you without warning, and pulled out your hair ties, running his fingers through your hair.

“Just leave it loose.” He said hoarsely, his face dangerously close to yours. Your heart was beating rapidly, and you couldn’t take your eyes off him. He was biting his lip in concentration, his eyes squinting as he adjusted your hair. It took everything in you to not lean into his touch; his fingers were so delicate. As he pushed a strand of hair out of your face, his eyes met yours.

“Perfect,” he almost whispered, his breath sending shivers down your spine. You knew you should pull away. You knew this would get way too complicated. Your rationality was telling you to snap out of it. But as his hands smoothly came to rest around your neck, bringing you closer, something else entirely was driving your actions.  Just as you began to lean in, he pulled away, clearing his throat loudly.

“Let me get you a coat,” he said, quickly rushing away from you. You bit your lip, cheeks flaming. You were humiliated. What were you thinking, trying to kiss him? He obviously wasn’t attracted to you; the weird, pathetic crazy time-traveller. You didn’t even belong here anyway, how could you possibly think he would want you? Your eyes began to well up, you just had to get out of there.

As you quickly began to gather your clothes and phone, furiously wiping the tears from your eyes, Roger returned with a fur coat in his arms.

“Here, this should fit – wait, what’s wrong?” he asked, realising your state.

“I’m just gonna go. I’m so sorry to have invaded your life like this, you shouldn’t have to deal with my weird ass problems. Thank you for everything. It was nice meeting you, I guess. I’ll never forget you,” you rambled, becoming increasingly embarrassed, trying to walk past him. He gently placed his hands on your upper arms, turning you to face him.

“Hey, hey, I don’t have to help you, okay? I want to. If you’ll let me.” he said, a surprisingly vulnerable look on his face.

“But, I’m burdening you too much! You can’t have me holding you back from living your normal life. You don’t want me clinging to your side like some kind of….” You paused, struggling to find the right words in your frazzled state. “Some kind of leech. I mean, I’m just annoying. For God’s sake, we have nothing in common! I’m technically young enough to be your daughter!”

Roger laughed softly. “Okay, first of all, you’re not a leech. And yes, it’s weird that you’re from the future, and I’ll probably never wrap my head around it, but so what? We shouldn’t get along, but we do.” You hoped he couldn’t notice your blush at this.

“And, lastly,” he said, a cheeky smirk on his face, “the thought of you being my daughter is gross, but me being your daddy on the other hand…”

“Oh my god, Roger! No!” you couldn’t help but laugh, as you rapidly shook your head. You couldn’t tell if he was joking or not; you secretly hoped he wasn’t.

“So, do you still wanna come to rehearsal?” he asked, all joking aside.

You sighed, hoping you weren’t being a burden. “Okay, give me that then,” you grabbed the coat off him, pulling it on.

“Do I look normal?” you asked.

“No,” he smirked, and you raised your eyebrows at him. “In a good way, though. Come on,” he said, grabbing your hand. You tried to ignore the jolts of electricity you felt from this sweet gesture. You never thought simply holding hands with someone would give you so many butterflies.

[moveslikejaggeria]

life kinda sucks lately and i cant tell why.

i mean im lonely. im always lonely. always have been lonely. just something ive kinda accepted. but this is a new brand of lonely. a new flavor. well, not new. rare, i guess. just utter loneliness. like it really is just me. and everyone else is over there. and no matter how much i walk towards everyone else, they seem to move further and further away. its a game i can never win. i can shout and sometimes they shout back,,, but sometimes they cant hear me. its not their fault, theyre just far away. maybe theres a lake or a river or even an ocean in between us and theyre like “sorry, we dont wanna get our feet wet. hope youre not offended” and i try not to, but i think about how much i wish they would just cross. for me maybe.

sometimes i think about would i do it for someone else. i try to. i listen and i love (as much as i can). i wish i could do more.

i think about death a lot. or more about what comes after. i think about all the stuff i’d miss. like the tickets to the stupid haunted house that i bought (i bought 2 just in case i found someone to go with me. i bought 2 tickets to a concert last year thinking the same thing. i still have the other ticket on my phone bc it never got scanned. at least its like a momento or something). all the games i havent played yet, all the stuff i havent learned about yet.

if i died right now, they probably wouldnt find me for a while, i dont think. theyd fire me from work eventually because i stopped showing up, bills would still get pulled and paid for, the credit card debt piling up on itself. i could lay in this bathtub for god knows how long before someone would notice.

who am i supposed to call when i feel like this. my mom? my friends? my family? the loneliness cuts so deep it hurts. sometimes i cant breathe and it stings when i think about it. when i think about the uncertainty about who to put down as an emergency contact. “hey they stopped going to therapy” “hey they stopped showing up to work” “hey this bill still needs to get paid!!!!”

i dont mind work. i dont mind the busyness and almost uselessness about it. it gives me a purpose, no matter how small or busy or useless. even thought the loneliness is there too. like you wonder how many people would care if you just disappeared forever. how many would still think about you. is that a selfish thought? im not sure. and then there’s just the in-circles. the in-jokes and the talking that you’re just out of reach of.

i think the hardest part about imagining death (and whatever comes after) is eliza. she has no food in her bowl. she’d cry and cry and maybe eventually eat my corpse and when that was gone or no good she’d keep crying and maybe break into other food in the kitchen. and after that was gone she’d keep crying and the noise complaints would keep piling and piling on top of each other and maybe—just maybe—management would open the door to get the cat and see me there. in the bathtub. and theyd think “shit. that’s not good”.

i would feel selfish. id want her to have enough food. and water. maybe just leave the facet running. mom would get the water bill in the month and wonder “why is this so high” and maybe she’d call and maybe she wouldnt. maybe she’d keep trying to call and would get worried. maybe she wouldn’t think anything of it at all. its weird of moving from a point of “i dont want to die, i want to pet eliza again just one more time forever” to “i shouldnt die bc then who would be there for eliza”.

sometimes a death isnt physical, i dont think. sometimes a death is…pulling away. accepting the ocean between you and everyone and not screaming anymore. sometimes a death is no longer trying. giving up. sometimes a death is acknowledging that maybe it doesnt get better. sometimes a death is just thinking about it. sometimes a death is sobbing and hugging yourself in the bathtub, begging yourself not to do it and that “i love you so much. please live for me. please”

[mostdramaticqueen]

I feel like shit again

Fucking hell

I havent posted here since 2019?

Well its 2022

Things got better and better and worse and better and amazingly well and then it hit me

Im not perfect.

I dont even try anymore

Ive tried before. I did my best. My best wasnt enough. Others try more than me. My dad will never appreciate me and the work i put.

Not that it matters now. I dont try anymore. Im useless

I just entertain people at this point. Im a fucking clown. They laugh at my jokes and sometimes at me. They love me. Not because they admire or respect me. They will say otherwise. They say im more than that. Thats the default sentance and everyone knows it. Theoretically, i am more than that yes. But none of that is actually usefull. And they dont love me for that. They want me because they laugh at me. I get drunk easily and i say dumb shit and ridicule myself and they like that

They are not shitty people. Hell no. They dont mean no harm. They never would. And they try to support me in any way they can.

But if i werent funny, would they?

What even am i anymore. I am not the smart kid. They cant assume im smart. Nobody ever did. But i used to have proof that i was.

Now? Im just a clown with perfectly average grades. I hate it. I sometimes hate myself. I try not to say it. But i do. I wish i was the person my family sees in me. Pretty and smart and kind. But i talk back and i dont take care of myself every day and i say dumb shit all the time. And i dont know why im special.

I used to be something. Raw potential. Now? Thats not a thing. There is a hope deep down that i will have a postgraduate degree too. Cause im smart, right? And studying is what im good at, right?

And if i just t r i e d then i could do it, right?

I just wanna be enough and be useful and be proud of me for once

I want my dad to be proud of me and call me brave and his little lion and mean it this time. I dont want him to take it back again. Please love me like i need to be loved please please please please please

I dont wanna be a failiure, i wanna be perfect

Yet right now im crying instead if studying

Pathetic. Im overreacting again

God im so dramatic. I should just do it. Get rid of my phone and i can do it. Right? Yeah. No more distractions. Like my head telling me i suck. Like my thoughts telling me my dad is judging me and my studying technique. Why is he commenting on it? He was horrible at school. Shut up and stay in your lane. Be the best boy in your school council or town council or work or model agency or whatever. You are the best at everything after all right?

How could i ever compete with you? How could i ever make you proud? You cant even make urself proud and you have achieved all that

I hate you i hate you i love you please love me please be proud of me please dont judge me or my mum or siblings please please im fragile and you hate it when i break down. You would never do that right? You build all your emotions up and then you burst in anger and flames and you dont care if you insult us. We are incompetent. Our dog would have learnt to behave already right?

God i wanna have an adhd diagnosis so bad. Would you like that? Are you so afraid of having a retarded child? A motherfucking loser who cant even remember to wash the fucking dishes??? I KNOW YOU WOULD HATE IT. STOP SAYING YOU LOVE ME AND THAT YOU MISS ME. YOU DONT. YOU HATE THE REAL ME . EVEN WORSE. YOU DONT HATE ME . YOU ARE DISAPPROVING. YOU ARE DISSAPOINTED. I SEE YOU DIE EVERYTIME I DONT REACH MY POTENTIAL. DIE INSIDE THEN. BURRY THOSE FEELINGS TOO. STOP HURTING ME PLEASE. IT HURTS. IT HURTS TO HATE MYSELF PLEASE.

I dont wanna hate myself anymore

[xxdeansgirlfriendxx]

You know what? Today I cried. I have never cried at a mass shooting before. I greww up in these times, people snapped, people killed, lots of people died. With the shooting in Las Vegas I had numbly prepared myself to hear that the fatalities were inthe two hundreds. Alas...there was ‘only’ 58. I was pleasently surprised. “Well, thats good since, you know,there had to have been more than 1000 people there.” That was good to me. I thought that number was small. This shooting rolls around, and instead of saying “damn, another one. What can you do?” I watched my tv screen intently. What caused the change? I do not know. But I found my homework slung on the floor and my sweaty hands gripped together praying, to a god I dont pray very often anymore, for there to be no fatlaties. But there were. Two of them. Rage boiled inside me, a horrible saddness that cant be undone. 2 people. 2 like the ones I see everyday. Then, within a few hours it was 17. 17 people. I made it through that day without a tear. Today I watched the videos from inside the school with friends. We all watched in terrified silence, had a brief disscussion about how frustrating it was that our voices were ignored and quickly returned to spewing out jokes in order to cover the pits in our stomachs. I went to the bathroom, and clenched up in fear when I heard the door open. Is this it for me? Is this where it ends? Is this the bit where my brains are blown across the mirror and I leave my mom and dad and my dog and brothers? Where I am forgotten?

It was just a sweet girl I had seen walking around school since 3rd grade.

However my suspicion lingered.

I watched the videos on repeat, soaking in the kids screams, the bodies, the smiling faces of those we lost. I let it fuel my anger. One boy stays in mind for some odd reason: Peter Wang. Maybe its because he shares the same last name as one of my friends. Maybe its because I saw his smiling face, only to imagine him terrified, nearly dead in the hallway choking on his own blood. Or maybe it was because within his smile I saw a familiar personality, someone who I feel I have been friends with. Someone I can see grinning at me while making small talk. Someone I have joked with, asked for help from, someone who I sit next to everyday. I never knew the boy, but I couldn’t help but think that if he would have survived I would have met him somewhere. Would have valued him and laughed with him and made memories with.

But we dont get to find out, do we?

Tonight I broke down, I sobbed and sobbed and sobbed. Because we cant change this. We cant get peter back, we cant get Mr. Beigel, Alyssa, Martin, Nicholas, Mr. Feis, Jaime, Christopher, Luke, Cara, Gina, Joaquin, Alaina, Meadow, Helena, Alex, Or Carman back. They are all gone forever. I can’t bring them back, but I want to so bad. We all have a breaking point, maybe you havent reached it, maybe you have. There is a point where we cant take the lists of victims anymore. Where it hurts too bad.

Thoughts and prayers are great and sweet.

But change saves lives.

We cant get rid of guns totally, they would be floating around, it would be very hard to undo what we’ve done. It is impossible. What can we do? Pass gun control laws. Focus on mental health. Talk to our students. Regulate who has a gun. Make them harder to get. Do everything.

This is where, I bring in some harsh reality to persuade change, if you can not mentally handle some gruesome thoughts right now, feel free to skip the next paragraph.

How much more of this will we have to endure? Words from my history teacher really fueled me to say something I had feared saying: it is not too soon. Lets make this political. Because ‘too soon’ and ‘dont make it political’ has gotten 17 people killed. Kids who had their lives ahead of them, who got valentines and were excited to go to college, have children, get a job. Kids who were scared, kids who, in a place where they were supposed to be safe, quivered in fear under there desks as the terrifying booms of gunshots filled the school. Shots that were killing their friends. They were listening to their classmates die. These were kids who experienced unimaginable pain as they bled out and died in the hallway. These were kids who had to walk with weak knees through hallways that are supposed to be filled with positivity and inspiration were filled with the corpses of kids like them, They left behind best friends, parents who will never feel true happiness again, siblings. And you know what people had to say about it? ‘Its just pure evil.’ Thats a lazy fucking excuse in my opinion. Was it evil? Yes. Was that all there was to it? Hell no. You cant just brush this off. Think of what else went into this: The guns. The mental state of the shooter. The ignored warnings. This wasnt just pure evil. These were mistakes. I’m tired of my generation being killed because the old conservatives in office are scared of their guns taken away. ‘Well-regulated’ my ass. To those people who think we wanna take you guns away, we dont. We want to regulate them. So shit like this doesn’t happen. KIDS ARE DEAD. THEY WERE SCARED AND IN PAIN. NO SUGAR COATING THIS, WHO KNOWS IF THEY ARE IN A BETTER PLACE? I just am so frustrated that I am so unsafe and cant do anything.

I have no clue if this make sense, or if there are grammatical errors. This is a confusing time and I am desperate to speak up. Because I miss them. I miss them and I didnt even know them. I do not know what is going in with me right now, but if this is what I need to feel to make change I am glad for it. Whatever you view on stopping gun violence is DONT BE AFRAID TO SHARE IT. WHATEVER IT IS. WE NEED TO TALK AND DEBATE IN ORDER TO FIND A SOLUTION.

[crystu-cii]

Of course!! 💕💞💕💕💕💞💞

What a MOOD XDD OKAY I FEEL YOU ON THAT ONE SHOT THING TBH- LIKE IF YOU TAKE TOO LONG TO GET TO THE GOOD SHIT ILL JUST GET BORED YALL--

wHEeze okay mood-- I actually went in my backyard with a mask on today(not intentionally, my sister sprayed febreeze and I'm sensitive to fragrances soo-- but the entire time I was like "wtf I'm telling crys about this later" XDD

XDD YEAHHH-- XDDD oms MA'AM GO GET SOME SLEEP WH..... TAKE A NAP MISS......

XD also baby jail- puts a laundry basket over him- there now I'm safe-- dangg never had a pet?? I recommend a dog(specifically shelties/sheltie mixes!! They're beautiful and playful!! And the type of dog I've had all my life :3) I.. ban?? Like ban ban??? Wh????

I am! XDD I'd (at least probably) say something if I wasn't-- of course!!!! 💞💕💞💕💞💞💕

Me too!! I miss hanging out with them :/ but so many live super far sooo :,D OH DEAR-- yeah nonononoooo-- Do Not-- YEAH better safe than sorry nO--

I CAN TELL YOU THAT THE PUMPKIN AND CHERRY PIES WERE DELICIOUS, HAVEN'T HAD THE BIBLE YET- AH YES PHONE WERE EATING A BIBLE HOW COULD I THINK IT'S CALLED A COBBLER-- XDD WH- HOW DARE SHE INSULT PUMPKIN PIES LIKE THAT-- /HJ it sounds fairly weird but hey if it's good than cool!! XDD

BUT tREEeEeeE!!!!! DO YOU NOT ENJOY DRESSING UP??? WHAT ABOUT THE CANDY SALES DIRECTLY AFTER???? WH-- AAAAAAAH HOW COULD Y'ALL-- XDD

Yeahh, I decided not to take any more creative classes in school anymore anyways--they don't suit me at all-- OH DANG-- YALL REALLY OUT HERE PISSING OFF THE CHOIR TEACHER??? DAMNNN-- XDDD YESSS-- awwwwhh :( oh well, on steam you can mood games sooo-- if you haven't asked for it, I recommend the portal games 👀 they're SO GOOD and I'll simp for both Glados and Wheatley, don't test me (unless you're Glados or Wheatley) /hj BUT THEY'RE SUCH WELL-MADE CHARACTERS-- BUT VALVE CAN'T COUNT TO THREE SOOOO-- (but there is a cool portal 2 mod coming out in April 2021(plus another from the past I think!) that looks incredibly promising!!!) and oooooohh I actually haven't seen much about it 👀 but from what I have seen it looks fun!!!!

opens calendar app-- can I just say it's so rare to meet people born in the early months-- like January and February, especially SO EARLY in the months of just unheard of XD I have a singular other friend born in January, on the 21st-- and I knew a girl who was born February but like I don't really like her or know her well so she doesn't count--

lEGITTT LIKE- im OUTTA HERE- xDDD

and omgg XDD im lowkey sensitive to fragrances to- when its too much and all- like i would only spray myself with perfume ome to three times while my mom is here doing like tWENTY SPRAYS AND IM LIKE "hEYo BRO I CANT B R E A T H E" /nm- its wild XDD

AND LEGITTT My mOm NEEEDS SLEPPP- quarantine has ruined her so hard- its ironic- I M supposed to be the rebelious one- XDD

WHWHWHEEZE B AB Y JA I L- XDD and yeahh- well my brother has an aussie dog (the one i said their name was also astro xD) but sometimes im just like- "yeah- thats my dog too-" i even mentioned it on a introduce yourself assignment for school xD and omg i dont know my dog types but i searched up what sheltie dogs look like and OMGG???💞 YESS A FLUFFY DOG I always dream of having a dog soo fluffyy- but i expect that it would be a pain to clean up the fur all the time XDD and well i MeAANn- not really ban but like- whenever i speak about pets at all to my mom- it would go like- me: we cant even have ONE pet? | mom: no | me: how about a fish?? | mom: wELL ***-BRINGS UP EMBARRASING ACTION I DID AS A TODDLER-*** ) so i just assume thats her way of saying- no fish. XDD

and phew thats good! the least thing i'd want is make you uncomfortable in any way ;w;; 💞💞 gosh- even hanging out with friends is like russian roulette- XDD before covid and all i would always go to Larie's house every single weekend because my mom would always go there every weekend to play mahjong (its a little gambling game) and i would just be like "YEAH IM COMIN TOO-" - like OMG- literally friend's moms being friends with your mom is just the definition of LIFE GOALS- and it would be so fun every time i go there too- my mom would play with them till midnight or literally up to 3 am- so me and larie would just do the most wackiest stuff- along with eating loads of snacks and watching random shows or anime XDD ahh its only months ago since it stopped but it already feels nostalgic xD

awh NoW I WANNA TRY PIEEEESS- AND ABHAHAHAHA "HAVENT TRIED THE BIBLE"- I GOT SO CONFUSED WHEN I FIRST READ THAT XDD phone: its the BIBLE | astro: its a cobbler— | PHONE: YOU QUESTION THE WORDS OF THE MIGHTY JIMMY? ) XDDDD

and LEGITTT- WHENEVER we ask them "hey what you gonna dress up this halloween" thEY woULd JusT Be Like "huh halloween whats that--" XDDD but they end up trying to celebrate it with us at the very least- xD anD YEAP WELCOME TO WHEN its the time of the year where the month names start ending with "ber" aka CHRISTMAS CHAOS TIME- /hj xDDD

mann for my school we had to choose between three music electives- band, orchestra, choir- i chose orchestra and it was AWESOME- until it was my last year and THE FUCKING ORCHESTRA TEACHER QU IT (it was reasonable actually- she had a sickness) and the cLASS JUST TURNED TO SHITITITHKAHTLQJF I HATED IT it came from my favorite class to the WORST in an InSTANT im SOBBING- but even the whole school is just utter bull- during that same year- i had six classes(a teacher for each) and guess what- THREE OF THOSE TEACHERS LEFT- LIKE EXCUSE YOU?? my 2020 was already RUINED before even COVID CAME like WTHHH- so yeah it was crazy- at that point we were all in despair and the school became more ghetto than it was before(everyone would keep saying "wErE In The GheTtO RATTATATAAA" every time we reach school grounds- its funny cause its true- XDD) yeah its crazzyy

and Oh YEHAH the mods are sickk- mods make my dont starve together gameplay so much better xDD and ooh i have seen portal before but i never actually played em- i think i was watching the walkthrough of both games just to try to learn what the game was about- but in the end- i forgot everything from what the heck our objectives of the game was other than to solve mind blowing puzzles- XDD but cAN i JUST SAY THE SONGS ABSOLUTELT BOPPED THO? THE ENDING SONGS STILL ALIVE AND WANT YOU GONE GOT ME LIKE in TEARS to how good they were- like i jammed to them for a long ass while xDDD and ohhh i never seen any portal mods before! i didnt even know portal mods were a thing but that sounds SICKKK

and omg xD and wth- now that you mention it- like- SAMEE?? real life wise- the birthdays are scrambbled up- but lately on tumblr almost everyone has their birthdays around the the "ber" times and this has now made me realize it- like omg- XDD