#i dont think my neighborhood is about that life.

[anipgarden]

Adding To or Starting a Garden

AKA, the beginning of the Plants-Related section of this series.

This is my third post in a series I’ll be making on how to increase biodiversity on a budget! I’m not an expert--just an enthusiast--but I hope something you find here helps! 

Got an area of lawn you’d like to convert to a wildlife haven? An area you can stick some hanging baskets in? Want to know how your garden of tomatoes and zucchinis is already putting in a lot of work? This is the section for you!

It would be dumb of me to not acknowledge that the act of gardening can come with a lot of costs. Buying seeds, buying plants, buying soil, raised bed materials, mulch, etc. … it can all get a bit daunting, let’s be honest! But there’s quite a few ways to get seeds and plants for free or extremely cheap, which I’ll be addressing in this section! The next section will be all about addressing the other Costs in gardening and how to mitigate or eliminate them entirely.

Also, do keep in mind; there’s no need to try and convert a whole area from lawn to garden or unused to garden at once. In fact, it could actually be extremely beneficial to do it a little at a time--maybe four or five square feet to start out.

Front Lawn (or Managing Principles)

If you live in a place where you’re required to have a grass turf lawn (HOA’s come to mind…), try replacing it with native grasses instead! You could even possibly use a low-growing ground cover plant like clover to a similar effect! Reseeding/replacing an entire lawn can be a big upfront cost, but even just letting the lawn be a little messy and tall helps. If the lawn gets patchy, leave the bare spots for a little while and something different will likely pop up! Pioneer species will fill the gaps and provide benefits to other plants around them, support animals, and more! If you want to take the guesswork out of it, you could always research what the pioneer species are in your area and plant the ones you like most. 

Obtaining Seeds for Cheap or Free

The cheapest way to start a garden is by far via seeds. However, seeds can be a bit complicated to grow, and some sources make them… way overpriced. Fortunately there are ways to get seeds for little to no cost! 

Some places sell seeds for as low as a dollar, 50 cents, or 25 cents! The packets may not have a lot of seeds, but it’s definitely a good start for a low budget! I’ve personally bought cheap seed packets at Walmart--the Ferry-Morse and Burpee brands are not what we’re looking for here. Typically the cheaper ones I’ve found are American Seed (which is owned by Green Garden Products, which also owns Ferry-Morse, Livingston Seed, McKenzie Seed, and Seeds of Change. Do with that information what you will), but they’re rarely stocked near the Ferry-Morse ones in the Formal Gardening Section. I’ve most often found them on end caps near the gardening section, so you may have to weave through a few aisles to find them, but once you do there’s an array of flower and vegetable seeds to select from! Alternatively, I’ve found seeds at Dollar Tree sold 2 or 4 for a dollar in Spring as part of their seasonal product; however, when they’re out of stock, they’re typically out of stock for the year. Try to check them out early in the year!

Otherwise, other seed companies like Urban Farmer or Botanical Interests will often have semi-frequent sales in spring and fall, when people are stocking up on seeds--joining their email lists can help you be the first to know when a good sale is going on!

Some foods from grocery stores will provide seeds that you can use in the garden as well. I’ve had the most luck with store-bought bagged beans, peppers, and tomatoes. Some people have had luck with watermelons, apples, citrus, squash, and more. Do keep in mind that you likely won’t get the same variety of fruit/vegetable as the one you bought--the resulting plant may look different and taste different.

Give it a shot! Pick some beans you like--if they don't grow well, at least you can eat the rest!

If you live in the US, food-producing live plants, bare roots, and seeds can often be purchased with SNAP benefits. But what does growing fruits, veggies, and herbs have to do with boosting biodiversity? While food crops aren’t typically native, they still provide valuable shelter for native insects. Some plants even have intricate relationships with native fauna--like the squash bee, a solitary bee which exclusively pollinates cucurbits like pumpkins, squash, and zucchini. And we get to benefit more directly as well! If you’re planting a diverse range of foods in your garden (as opposed to the swaths of single-plant farms that typically produce what’s sent to grocery stores), you’re supporting high levels of biodiversity by providing a variety of plants for creatures to live and hunt around.

Most of the time, when we think of boosting biodiversity with a garden, we think of a colorful flower garden teeming with pollinator species. However, if we’re striving to use native species, it can be a bit difficult to find some species in stores. I can say from experience that trying to find any wildflower seeds other than butterfly weed, purple coneflowers, and black-eyed-susans is… challenging, if you limit yourself to stores like Walmart, Home Depot, and Lowe’s. You might occasionally get lucky with an ACE Hardware or a local nursery, but even then sometimes it can be hard to track down who in your area is selling what--let alone if you live in an area where no one really is selling native plants or their seeds. Not to mention, even once you find a local or online store selling the seeds you want, they can sometimes cost a pretty penny. So what do you do?

If you have the option to, consider gathering native seeds yourself! Get good at identifying the native flora and fauna--or at least, a few target plants and their lookalikes--and get ready to go! Learn where they tend to grow, when they’ll be seeding, etc. Try to identify the plant before it goes to seed (for most plants, it's easiest to identify when flowering), then check back regularly to gather seeds. Typically, if I want to learn how to collect seed from a specific plant, I just search it on Google or YouTube--oftentimes, I'm lead to the GrowItBuildIt Youtube page, so it may be a helpful resource for you as well! Of course, make sure to leave plenty of seed behind so the wild population can repopulate, and seed can feed other creatures in the area. A good rule of thumb is to take no more than 1/3rd of what's available.

Buying seed in bulk is an option if you can afford the upfront cost. Try teaming up with a few friends to buy some bulk seeds and split them amongst yourselves--you’ll get tons of seed! Prairie Moon is a popular site that'll sell seeds by the pound if you can afford the price--though they're in the US, and I believe they focus on Midwest and East Coast natives.

If you want to cheat the system, don’t buy bulk sunflower seeds--buy bags of sunflower seeds being sold as birdseed. They’re typically all black oil sunflower seeds, but they’ll sprout, and they’re fairly cheap for the amount you get!

However, beware generic wildflower seed mixes! Many brands like to sell wildflower seed mixes in big box stores like Home Depot, Target, or even Dollar Tree, but they’ll often include flowers that aren’t native or possibly even invasive in your region! Before you make any purchases, double check to make sure the contained seeds won’t do more harm than good! A quality source of native seeds will provide English and Latin names for all seeds included, and will be native to the region or at least non-invasive. 

See this? I don't trust this.

There’s a good handful of programs online that’ll send you free seeds if you’re planning to start a native habitat project! Poke around online and see what you can find; you might get lucky! The best time to start looking for these is fall and winter, I find--by early spring, many of them are either done or beginning to wind down... though some also start up in spring. Ultimately--just check regularly! You never know what you can find!

Other Ways to Get Plants

Don’t want to start from seed? That’s fair! You can try cuttings! Just be sure not to take too much of the plant while you do so. Make sure you’ve gotten a few leaf nodes on your cutting, and cut any flowers you may have gotten. Make sure to leave some blooms and foliage on the original plant for the creatures in the current habitat--you don’t want to destroy one habitat to make another in your garden. There’s tons of methods of rooting cuttings, many of which have different efficacy rates for different plants, but that’s a topic for another post.

If you find seedlings growing in a place where they won’t be able to sustain themselves long-term, or are in danger of being destroyed, consider relocating them! You may be able to gently dig up and transplant the seedling to your garden. Don’t do this if they’re in a place where they can easily survive--ideally, you’ll be taking plants from sidewalk cracks, heavily maintained public gardens, roadsides, etc. Do be careful while doing this--ensure your safety first!  

You’re totally allowed to join gardening communities like clubs, facebook groups, and more before you’ve even put a trowel to the dirt. These are great places to learn information and advice! Many gardeners are more than happy to help out a new gardener, and will eagerly provide seeds, cuttings, or even baby plants! Talk to some people about your gardening journey and what you’re hoping to do, and you just might find some kindred spirits--or at least get more people interested in the topic! 

Seed and plant giveaways and trades happen all the time in gardening clubs, as well as online! Just poke around and see what you can find! Some are explicitly trades, meaning you’re expected to send something in return, but once you get your feet on the ground with some plant knowledge you’ll be stellar! You may be able to explain you’re just starting out, and someone may send you seeds without expecting a trade, but I’d suggest trying giveaways first. 

Poke around online and see if there’s a local chapter of your state’s native plant society. From there, you’ll likely be able to find a calendar of events--many of them will host plant sales in the spring, with a bunch of native plant seedlings ripe for the pickings if you can make it out and have some money to spare! Fair warning, though, you’ll want to get there early if you can. If they say they’re starting at 10, try to get there by 9:45. Year after year, there’s always record turnout, and they sell out of plants faster than ever. Just trust me on this. I’ve been let down; hopefully you won’t have to be.

Some libraries are beginning to host seed libraries! Check around and see if your library has one! Ideally, the system works best if you also have seeds to contribute in return, but if you’re just starting out I’m sure they won’t mind you taking some seeds! Just consider saving some seeds to contribute in the future and pay it forward. If your library doesn’t have a seed library? Consider asking if they’d be willing to start one! Community interest is a great way to get the ball rolling on projects like these, but they’ll only know the community is interested if the community tells them they’re interested!

Volunteer to Garden for/with Someone Else

Maybe someone in your area wants to garden, but is struggling to find the time/energy. Many elderly people who used to garden simply can’t anymore but still would like a garden. Other people may love to have a helping hand in their garden. You might even find a few people in your area interested in renting and sharing a community garden plot with others, so they don't have to handle it all on their own! They may be interested in increasing biodiversity right now, or may be willing to if it’s brought up to them. You might be just the kind of person someone needs! Since it won't be your garden, you’ll likely need a bit of permission and collaboration to get anything in particular going, but it’s worth a shot and a way to maybe even make friends! 

Again, your mileage may vary with some of these. You may not know where there's a bunch of wildflowers growing in your area, or maybe your local library doesn't have a free seed library. That's okay! Do what you're able to, find what you can find, get what you can get! And there's never any shame with starting small--in fact, starting small can make the project easier to manage and expand when you're able!

That's the end of this post! My next post is gonna be about ways to start growing plants cheaply--low cost seed starting set ups, essentially. There's a lot of good options, many of which I've used myself even! Until then, I hope this advice is helpful! Feel free to reply with any questions, success stories, or anything you think I may have forgotten to add in!

[determinate-negation]

im making a post to support the fundraiser of ola @olagaza this is a verified campaign and is #205 in el-shab-hussein and nabulsi's vetted fundraiser list

ola is a graduate student and math teacher from gaza. she was studying at al-azhar university and had just started teaching mathematics at a school when the war began. she was very happy and excited to be teaching and to move into this chapter of her life, but because of the war everything has changed.

her neighborhood, home, university, and the school she taught at were all completely destroyed in the bombings. her and her family lost everything and are now displaced living in shelters with very few of the necessities people need. theyve been forcibly displaced multiple times since then due to the genocidal israeli armys constant changes to the size and location of 'safe zones,' where they often kill civilians with impunity anyways. theres very little food or clean water available and its priced far higher than most people can afford.

i dont think many of us reading this can truly understand what its like to live like this, with no food or shelter, with the threat of death and torture hanging over you at any second– but please try to put yourself in her shoes for a second. ola and i are the same age, and were both graduate students. but while my classes are going to be starting soon, her school (and all the schools in gaza) were completely destroyed or rendered inoperable. many of the students have been killed. reports say that the rubble itself will take years to clear. if i think about what my city would look like right now with the same level of devastation that exists in gaza its almost hard to comprehend because its such an insanely horrific level of destruction. why should this be acceptable or simply background noise to people just because its happening to gaza and not to a western city?

please share and donate. ola's campaign has been going slowly lately but the situation in gaza is not getting any better. do not let this die down just because this genocidal war has been going on for so long. things are getting worse and your donations are a serious lifeline to families on here. what you do actually matters, so please donate.

$31,630 raised of $50,000

[jediexile]

sometimes i wonder why i have such bad hypervigilance problems and then i remember that a considerable part of my childhood involved my parents telling me either to hide myself away or lock all the doors or don't be in the line of sight because i might get targeted or shot

[clover-the-awesomest]

Sorry for using classic meme images as a reaction to this but I honestly don’t really know what to say… I don’t understand in the slightest as I am not an adult and don’t quite get that feeling of hopelessness yet, but I do still wish the best for you. I want to understand, to give proper advice or words of encouragement but I just. Don’t know how??

However, I do think that things will get better for you. You’re still so young, you’re still so new to this life, you are just starting out. You’re barely even 32, judging by this post, so please. Do not tell yourself that it’s over, that you’ve wasted your life. Don’t keep believing that you’ll never amount to anything in life, that you mean nothing to anyone. Do not listen to those voices that say you’re a waste of space or anything like that at all! Because none of it is true!

You are a wonderful artist! Your attention to detail is immaculate, and you’re really great at hyper-analyzing things that others wouldn’t even batt an eye at! You are funny, you are kind, and you are incredibly considerate. I don’t know what you do IRL since you value your privacy and I greatly appreciate that about you, so I can’t really judge you otherwise. But I still do know, without a shadow of a doubt, that you matter. You matter to me. You matter to others. You matter to your family, your friends, your pets, the strangers online that you’ve adopted, the random people on the street that pass you by, YOU MATTER.

And don’t you dare let anyone ever tell you otherwise.

❤️💖💞

I don’t feel like I belong anywhere. I’ve cried. I’m bitter. I’m bitter watching people get to travel and explore and go pretty places. I’m bitter that i can’t get help for my medical complications. I’m jealous that others can go swimming and experience nature while I’m confined to a tight little space and a bathtub. I’m sad that i have no IRL friend/peer group. I feel alone. I’m exhausted. My best is never good enough. I feel my family doesn’t take me seriously when i say “I’m checked out.” I wish i was impressive to them. I wish i was intelligent or competent to them. I wish i was useful. But I’m not. I’m dependent and trapped and, in this moment, fairly convinced my future is dull and bleak. I live in a world beyond my reach. Everything is dreams. My 20’s are almost completely gone. I feel like dreams don’t come true.

It’s just an episode. They pass. I got triggered and i’ll get over it. But lately the sensation of being trapped and feeling like it’s impossible to have the life i want has been very persistent. There’s been loads of progress in some spaces, but in this one idk. All that keeps me going are my dog, my gecko and Ash. This has been all that’s kept me alive for a long time. It continues to be the only thing. I genuinely do not see a way out of this tunnel. Not tonight. There is sorrow, and sleep. But at least i have a place to sleep and a dog to snuggle.

Tomorrow is another world, most likely as uneventful and stagnant as the last…

[miguel-owhora]

thinking about miguel n mreader, where you're in an established relationship. except you're a little too obsessed with your husband and, eventually, spider-man... and of course, you don't know miguel is your friendly neighborhood spider-man.

kinda.

despite himself, miguel gets a little jealous of how obsessed you become with his alter ego. you begin to grow a steady collection of fan made merchandise: little figurines, tshirts, a blanket, photos, even a couple of plushies and socks. but still, miguel stays a dutiful and loving husband, and a dutiful arachnid hero, trying not to blow his cover.

...until one day you're fucking miguel and pull out a custom-made spider-man dildo, molded off miguel's dick, and say something along the lines of "you think our friendly neighborhood spider-man can take his own cock?" and miguels flustered and hes like "i - i dont know" and you lean down and pull out, instead pressing the head of the dildo against his puckering hole, grinning down at him, and say "let's find out"

and post-sex, miguel's all like "??? how the hell did you find out im sm" and you're like "you're my husband—of course i know everything about your life, even your secrets" and miguels both a little startled and definitely turned on by his overly obsessed husband :3

[martyrbat]

og tags: #bao making friends and protecting the narrows as he moves on from his tragedy can be very interesting and fun! #but my expectations in dc writers is. low. like I'll still read it because thats my shithead nephew but its that frustration of knowing #and seeing a premise for art that could be wonderful and then getting a too glossy too boring product instead #and jason's is just because i think red hood is stupid and that his character is boring and spinning his wheels in the same 3 plots #that he just keeps going through again and again. like let him actually be interesting again and put him in new situations PLEASE.

@pendulum-north yes yes!! fully agree!! this is gonna get slightly sidetracked because i was just writing as i think but i PROMISE i'll loop around to it being sorta relevant:

i think a big problem with jason is the rinse and repeat cycle they have with his character. he's either arguing with bruce on the killing rule and pushing for him to kill the joker or he's the black sheep of the “family” and is bruce's greatest failure in not being able to be saved or he's a tool for the joker to use. his character constantly revolves around bruce (and the associates) or the joker—he's an extension of them or any other bat character instead of being allowed to grow and be established as his own character.

batman is gotham's protector but he's also allowed to be in and out of big leagues. the justice league(s), the outsiders, batman inc, he has more than a handful of powerful allies and he's established and well-known as gotham's primarily hero. you know im a filthy bruce stannie but as comics evolved, more and more of the featured stories are about those big threats—the end of the world ones, the city is going to be destroyed ones, the arkham escape ones instead of how the 1970–90s had a lot more random ones of him helping people he just came across in gotham.

the stakes are constantly being raised and pushed—its the saving the world/millions vs saving a few—theyre obviously and technically higher in the former. but... it loses something that makes it more personal, in my opinion, and makes any tension a bit lackluster despite the increased risks and action. of course its great that the world is saved, a failure would mean this horrible tragedy where millions of unknown faces would be dead!

but when a story focuses and is centered around people in a more personal situation where yeah, the world will keep turning if you don't help but their world will be destroyed? or they'll just be dead and you'll directly feel and see the impact of their death on the community if you fail? to me, that grounds it and makes it more personal and enjoyable. it's why in movies where the stakes are that high, the main character is usually given a love interest to fight for or to personally be motivated by and it makes the audience more invested in seeing their happy ending despite the bigger risk being the entire world gets destroyed if they fail.

but jason todd is bitchless and possesses zero rizz. my aroace king. so instead of a love interest to save, it's a neighborhood <33

instead of having him join a big league of these unbelievable heros with powers or tackling world ending events on a casual tuesday afternoon, i STRONGLY think his character needs to be grounded (or as grounded as a comic will allow, you get my premise) and that's what will allow his character to actually grow the most. he needs to be involved in the narrows and protecting the streets directly. i can still see him having a mask or little emblem on a jacket or something that could get tagged on walls/street poles by the people he saves but... i think he shouldnt really have an alias. it just wouldn't make sense to. hes not hiding and he doesn't have a personal job or responsibilities outside of this. he doesn't have a secret life to protect. his life was already destroyed all those years ago but through his work and heroism, he finally builds a new one (ideally, for me, the most personal life he gets is he helps leslie in the clinic and gains a bigger medical knowledge. this allows him to pay for an apartment to operate from and be more involved with the narrows and protecting/helping the people who live there and get direct information from injured people who come in)

but he doesn't have super[man/boy/girl/dog/etc] on speed dial but he does have a guy who wants to defend his home and is pretty handy with a wrench if you need some work done on your bike. he has a single mother who's in college and will grant access to a lab because todd saved her kid. he (may) have leslie's clinic. he has a big fucking bag where he can just build his own base resources with stolen shit because he's crafty and resourceful. he's not a cowl, he's just a man doing his best for a community that needs it most. let batman and the ninth regrouping of the teen titans or young justice handle the larger than life threats as he's primarily focusing on the people who would normally get overlooked.

i think it'll benefit his character in the premise of going back to where he originally came from to help in any way he can. as a boy he lost his first life to ‘the bat’ and by trying to track down his mother—trying to find out who he is and to find the woman who was supposed to love him. but as a young man he's able to recognize the community that he once was part of and the people who did help raise him, even if it was more indirect. and now he's dedicating his second, unasked for life to protect said community (and allowing the healing of reconnecting with said community and being able to finally find and make the answers for all those questions he had about himself even before his death.)

but i also think it'll allow his character that growth, like i mentioned!! instead of focusing on bruce and joker and being in that boring cycle, he'll be making decisions and his actions will directly impact these people in a way he can see and how that will effect him and his methods will vary. it gives this character a great, open sandbox to play around in and present different challenges for him to handle. the main concern it may bring for me is i dont trust the writers (or fandom...) to behave when it comes to poor people or addicts in a sympathetic and respectful manner but like... we already get that so im used to it lol

re last post tags actually ill allow a jason and bao team up but only if theyre both allowed to change their main aliases 👍

[bestlilithian]

Home is the first grave.

[ Moon-Pluto, Pluto in 4th house culture ]

tw for various mentions of abuse and death as well as mental problems, sh and su!cide, also needles (dont ask)

- may have experienced a lot of death in thr family or in the close neighborhood

- feel more connected to your dead relatives than your alive ones

- there mightve been a death in your family before you were born

- feeling peacful in graveyards

- may have fantasized about death/su!cide, might percieve death as something that brings peace (hence the fantasies, because really all you ever wanted was peace)

- wanting peace but knowing you cannot have it because of your nature; feeling like theres just something in your blood in your soul that is uncontrollable and overwhelming

- your household was always a house , never a home

- being raised by very old people, enjoying the presence of much older wiser people (like, literal elders not hot teachers 💀)

- enduring literal psychological warfare in your home (usual your mother waged war on you as soon as you were old enough to form a coherent critical thought)

- "I hate you, dont leave me" (might be the attitude of your mother towards you, or yours towards others you love)

- Your mother always knew when you were lying or hiding something. Especially if she had a scorpio moon or moon/pluto aspects herself. You grew up extremely fearful of her.

- moon pluto culture is hearing your mother talk lovingly about her own fucked up mother, she never accepted the severity of her own abuse, until of course she needs to use it in an argument against you "Im a great mother, my mother was so much worse"(basically Im good because I abuse you differently than I was abused 😍 same shit different package)

- not liking motherly women or women who try to be mother figures to you, feeling uncomofortable around them; youre uncomfortable with how much you crave motherly love and people who can provide you that become threats because of the power they could have over you if you opened up

- being betrayed by the women in your life, especially those who were much older and supposed to take care of you (teachers, tutors, family members, therapists, babysitters..)

- toxic female friends 😁🔫 bonus : really close but toxic female friendships in youth that feel like death when you end them even though you know it was necessary

- feeling pain so deeply you think you will drop dead or have a heart attack. (When I was little and depressed I wrote in a diary of mine "My body will kill me before I get to")

more on this : when you start crying because of immense emotional pain and suddenly your heart is burning and beating too fast and youre getting light headed and throwing up , and suddenly youre not crying because of the pain, youre crying because youre afraid youre about to have a heart attack and die

- fearing that your mother will k word herself or you if you try to leave her (harsh aspects mostly)

- learning what emotional violence is very early, how to wield it and defend against it

- turning your emotions off completely for a while and then having a nervous breakdown when it all rushes back

- reading up on psychology, psychiatry and works of psychotherapists so you can heal and never become your mother

- wanting to put a bullet in your head when you notice yourself thinking or behaving like your mother

- going home after you spent time somewhere where you felt good and safe is extremely dreadful

- your mother doesnt see you as a human being (harsh aspects especially), and may take you a while to figure this out

- extremely controlling behavior from your mother or other caretakers (for example my mother threatened to send people to stalk me when I moved to a diff city, to 'make sure Im not doing something bad')

- deeply grieving the loss of your childhood and your inner child

- almost choking while crying or passing out

- feeling like youre a horrible person and dont deserve your family [because youre in deep denial and are seeing the flaws of your family as your own and denying your own trauma]

- learning about sex early on, perhaps early sexual obsession but not like promiscuity more like craving for deep intimacy (also you were probably deeply ashamed of it)

- not telling your family (esp mother) anything because they will ruin it for you

- being accused of being a psychopath, uncaring, selfish for "not loving your family enough"

- not knowing how to feel about the members of your family that played a more passive role in your life because they didnt do anything wrong but they didnt do anything right either; surely they knew , why didnt they stop it? why didnt they save you? (Im talking about adults obviously)

- your parents mightve been much older when you were born, you might have siblings much older than you

- doing anything to avoid your intense emotions and then when you break down and feel everything you realize how freeing it is and how comfortable you actually are with the intensity

- gutteral reactions to songs you deeply relate to (I hear 10 seconds of 'Slipping through my fingers' and I am dead on the floor)

- being afraid of your mother or just of your family in general

- you could probably kill someone with your bare hands if you were angry and hurt enough

- scary as fuck when you actually show your anger

- if you cry in the midst of a fight (verbal or physical) ... someone tell that person to make peace w God . cause thats you crying because of what youre about to do, because thats you loosing the last crumb of humanity you had for them and that can only end one way.

- you would probably kill for your loved ones

- your friends feel like you would help them hide a body (and you probably would)

- recognizing people by footsteps and breathing patterns (especially family members)

- deep deep eyes, people can see war and death them, and they feel like you see their pain too (because you do)

- reading people easily

- enjoying? cruelty (to yourself or others), like getting impulses to do something that would cause you or someone else that ugly feeling of facing cruelty

- finding comfort in the cold and the dark

- insane nightmares since youth, growing to be used to them

- its very hard to shock you

- you know when someones lying

- you might dread certain types of pain yet feel pleasure from them (personally I hate having my blood taken for a test but then I end up immensely enjoying the feeling of a needle pricking my skin and going deep into my vein)

- feeling the need to "kill" some your habits; most likely to drop things cold turkey and be extremely strict in breaking bad habits

- might enjoy really dark, emotionally and morally complex media

- immediately recognizing other moon pluto people and trauma bonding

- extremely good pain endurance. not necessarily tolerance , but endurance. you feel the pain and do it anyway.

- might not react to physical pain at all from a young age

- fantasies about drowning or slipping away peacfully

- either loving deep waters or hating them

- randomly breaking down in the middle of the day because of some pain you buried 5 years ago

- might self harm a lot because of your complex relationship w pain, it genuinely helps sometimes

- home feels like literal prison

- seeing the value in suffering, you might reject the idea that suffering is bad and should be avoided and prevented at all costs

- you might become religious as you mature (but usually in your own way, not necessarily according to tradition)

- forced to eat or denied food in your home, this mightve fucked up your relationship with food

And lastly, I need you to engrave this in yourself :

Wrong love is not love.

[sk3tch404]

Yandere Donnie Darko Hcs

A/n: I finally came around to watching Donnie Darko while I was styling my hair this morning. It was so good and omgg HIS CHARACTER!!! Love it 💜 What he voices in where he rebels against authority resonates with me in the most honest and straight up sense, it's crazy.

CW: Characterizing of psychosis without research (I am in no way claiming this is how individuals who suffer some psychosis or with schizophrenic symptoms act or feel like. This is simply a work of fiction and how I see Donnie's mental state affect the scenario), Donnie is actually very tame here except for his obvious criminal record and acts of violence, and YALL HES A MENTALLY ILL TEENAGE BOY so he's a lowkey soft okay. Y'all see him with Gretchen? So caring and passionate ugh, love him sm. <33 I try to write as close to canon as possible, but sometimes that leads to really soft yans and I kind of doubt my writing. Despite that. I like to think that not all yanderes need to be possessive killing machines in order to fit into the troupe. Everyone's got their own way of dealing with obsession, and so I think I did decently with this one lol.

Proof read a few times, so sorry for wordy/run on sentences and possible wonky grammar.

I feel like Donnie is very observant and patient with his darling. He's quite analytical for a teenage boy which leads him to take time to consider the variables that weigh within your possible relationship.

Donnie is still an awkward kid, so dont be surprised when you accidentally find him staring at you for a considerable period of time in class. In school, he doesn't approach you, seeing as the setting is already suffocating enough. He'd try to catch you after school or when you two have a little bit of privacy.

He's kinda shy and clumsy at first glance--- too talkative in his speech and self-aware of his minor fuck ups. Over time, he'll be more open to what he wants with you. Donnie might not really understand how to handle love and all of its complexities, but hell try really hard to make it work.

Yeah, y'all saw how fast he dived in for that kiss in the film?... Embarrassing, but it's true that he's quite excited to show his affection for you. He'll be "so chill with it," and he is to an extent--- not too clingy at all--- but when he's around he gives you guard dog privileges. Stays at your side and defends you from any brain rotting comments made from the guys around the neighborhood. Donnie isn't much of a fighter, but he's damn well capable of planning and executing a crime if it calls for it. One count of arson, another unaccounted for, severe property damage, and murder? Don't doubt it for one second that he won't consider further acts in the future to come.

His psychosis affects him directly when it comes to you--- as it also does with most things. He already feels so shitty with how things are going in his life, Frank voicing the many thoughts he has about you day to day stresses him further. Sometimes Donnie is scared Frank will convince him to hurt you as the countdown progresses. Despite that fear, he can't keep away from you.

This distress causes Donnie to rebel more often. As he spirals down the rabbit hole Frank keeps digging for him, the anxiety that follows with what will happen to you once the world ends lingers late at night in his bed.

Donnie's main love language is quality time. He walks with you from school and chills with you pretty much wherever. He's pretty book-smart, so he'll pitch in with your projects and homework assignments. His parents don't really seem like they care what he does most of the time, so if he's given the chance, he'll crash at your place for a few before they think he's off sleepwalking or some shit.

Donnie already knows he's slipping off the rails, placebo medication or not, Frank stays to stir the pot. He's almost scared, scared to death that you'll think he's an insane lunatic and he'll scare you off. But at the same time, why be scared if it's the truth? He has evidence, the book, and his own visions. That anxiety doesn't go away when he rambles on about the six-foot-tall bunny rabbit and how that thing has led him to the method of time travel.

You're just left there dumb founded as he stares on at you with that deadpanned look. Too late to back out now. World's ending and you don't got a boyfriend. Well, you got Donnie... and Frank's there too sometimes, but either way, you're all each other's got. You don't want to be alone do you? Donnie knows he doesn't.

He trusts you more than anyone else. Yeah he's on meds, and sure he's loony, but everyone knows that already; not that they seemed to care too much anyway. He feels like he can just exist with you around. All that pent up frustration with the looming guilt of his actions festering inside can be washed out like waves on a cold shore. Of course, it's not a cure-all, but it's damn nice compared to the bone headed friends he got and the tense dinner table back at home.

He has scratch paper in his drawers that are just filled with messy sketches of you. Not sure if he'd be the type to use sketchbooks, but he is pretty organized in his own room. Donnie just finds you so easy and beautiful to draw. Art block has nothing on this boy. He hates it when his sisters barge into his room and see any unfinished piece of you lying around. They tease him so bad about it, he wishes they'd just leave him alone.

"Ooo, is this the girl you're always wasting your time with?"

"No, gimme it. It's none of your business, and get out of my room."

"Geez, fine. Not like that's the freakiest thing you got in here anyway."

Donnie wouldn't be the extreme stalking type, but if he caught a glance of you, he wouldn't be able to look away. He'd also take into account what your daily patterns are as well as your likes and dislikes. He notices your little habits like if you constantly apply too much pressure to your mechanical pencil, making your lead break. He's always have had a passive opinion on the school uniform, but you made it look good, great even. Donnie likes it even more seeing you in street wear. He takes note on your style and even thinks of taking some inspiration from it to feel closer to you.

He's sensitive in places a teenager would be in most. He's irritable and closed off much of the time, even to you if it gets bad enough. Of course, it's not your fault usually. It only makes sense to be defensive in the case of anything he may perceive as a threat, even if that means any possibility of you breaking his heart.

Donnie may be a bit shy in his advances, but what he isn't is hesitant. He's quite bold in his thoughts and feelings. While he is afraid of your judgement in particular, he doesn't mind doing many things in front of you. Your collar is crooked, so let him just fix it up real quick. Talk about something that's got him thinking? He's letting his thoughts pour out like it's happy hour. He sees no issue in doing what he wants to, so if you're feeling unsure or nervous about something, he'll be the one to do it for you. Not many questions asked unless it's got his serious attention.

Kisses are passionate and deep. (Tbh when I first watched the movie I was like, "DAMN dont eat her face- shit.") I dont know if Donnie has had previous experience or not, but he's definitely got the enthusiasm. He tries to match your rhythm if you seem to have trouble following. Not too much tongue, but best believe he's devouring your lips like it's the last 6 hours in the universe. His hands are roaming around your body, feeling the dips and curves so cautiously because Jesus, you're just rocking his fucking world. If you tell him to slow down, he will. Donnie never wants to force you to do anything you wouldn't want to.

Words of affirmation aren't really a thing for him. If he says something to you, it was probably on his mind anyway. If you say "I love you" to him, he'd be almost stunned but wouldn't have a problem reciprocating that energy. He just felt like that connection between you two was already clear enough. No need to say it so directly. Although, it's nice. He really loves and cares for you. Would take a bullet for you--- cross his heart till he dies, all that sappy shit.

If you reject him, let's just say Frank and Donnie will be speaking more often. It pushes him off the edge. Frank isn't in Donnie's head just to do evil shit, but it's not like his presence doesn't perpetuate Donnie's behavior further. He wouldn't go on a killing spree or anything excessively violent like that. He'd be hyper-focused on the time travel aspect of his situation and become more forceful in his methods. He'd demand answers to make sense of all of it. To cope with the fact you didn't want him like how he needed you. Why didn't you like him enough? What didn't he do? Actually, what did he do? His mind feels like its on the brink of breaking as he tries to rationalize all the negativity in his life. He's already done too much, his world feels like it's collapsing in on itself before the actual day could even come. You were a majority of that world, and now it's just broken.

Donnie is so distraught and confused about his adolescent experiences, he almost doesn't know what to do. The only thing to do from then on is to focus on the countdown. Time travel, and how to fix it all. Otherwise, not only would he be left alone, but you would be too. Donnie wouldn't want that for you, not ever. Even with all the pain and frustration stowed away inside his still beating heart, he would never wish to hurt you; one of the only people on Earth who didn't suck so much as everyone else did.

[these-posts-arent-real]

Time to catch up on your favorite dashboard simulator :3

#gonna start scheduling these for 1 or 2 per day #i really enjoy making them but I think i'll get burnt out otherwise #also HUGE ty to whoever was the anon who sent me the idea #about having therian cats #ohhh my god #hey anon #(or anyone else but im talkin to u) #feel free to dm me to talk at any point you seem cool

15 notes

🔁 🐍xviper-the-fagx reblogged

🫎 mo0sedude Follow

I PASSED MY ASSESSMENT!!! AAAAAHHH

🪺 robbbinpaw Follow

OMSC CONGRATS MOOSE! I'm so happy for you!!!!

🐍 xviper-the-fagx

WOAAAHHH CONGRATULATIONS MOOOSEE!!! Have you had your name ceremony yet??

#im so happy for ya dude #moving on from apprenticeship </3 #gonna miss you in the 'apprentice things' tag

10 notes

🔁 🏞 trouttail-prefers-bass Follow reblogged

🏞 trouttail-prefers-bass Follow

Daily selfie !!!

Trying on some new berry-based fur dye.

🏞 trouttail-prefers-bass Follow

The amount of cats commenting "you'll never be a she-cat" and "wearing fur dye won't make you female" is astounding. Like. Thanks?? I'm a trans guy not a trans girl...

#lol?? #this is so funny to me #trans

4,703 notes

🥬 rxttencatmint Follow

Ahh.. different type of post than usual, but.. mmrrnn... I'm considering coming out to my mentor. I know he's supportive, but I'm really nervous, so, uh.. I'm gonna leave it up to a Clanblr poll haha..

#trans #transmasc #trans tom #transgender #trans apprentice #advice #poll

4 notes

🤍 snwtl Follow

* ,○ ' WELCOME TO MY BLOG ^. o° ;

adult female cat - 49 moons - gender critical

Keep reading

#terfsafe #radfem #adult female cat #terf #riverclan

0 notes

🔁 🥬 rxttencatmint reblogged

🍲 ex-thundrclan-kipper Follow

New neighbors have THE most annoying dog I've ever met in my life. Won't shut up about how that's her yard and to get back... nobody wants your yard Jackie, shut uppp...

🌻 l1llyst3m Follow

Since when do you speak dog????

🍲 ex-thundrclan-kipper Follow

I started picking it up when I moved to the twolegplace. I'm still not fluent, but I can hold a conversation with the neighborhood dogs if I want.

#every new thing i learn about kipper #just. wow #he is so coolll... #this is totally not the gender envy and parent issues speaking

2,851 notes

🔁 🌊 missingmyscales reblogged

🦊 foxx--hearted Follow

The worst part about being a fox therian is that even when I am partially accepted, it's usually because cats are telling me how horrible foxes are, and how I should've "picked a different species" because they think that's how it works.

🌊 missingmyscales Follow

Imagine being a fish. In RiverClan.

The closest I ever get to "acceptance" is my friends joking about how I would taste.

🦋 lalala-bluegaze Follow

How does it feel to have to eat the thing your damaged brain thinks you are. Lol

🌊 missingmyscales Follow

Frst off. "Damaged brain" like. Oookay guess we're just being really mean to others on Clanblr today. Second off ,I dont eat fish??? I never even implied that I eat fish.

🦋 lalala-bluegaze Follow

You're from RiverClan lmao. What else is there to eat

🌊 missingmyscales Follow

...

You are joking, right?

Lizards, birds, water voles and shrews, snakes, frogs, toads?? None of those come to mind when you consider the potential diet of a RiverClan warrior??????

🦊 foxx--hearted Follow

@missingmyscales you should probably just block @lalala-bluegaze, her whole blog is about being anti-kittypet, anti-therian, not believing enbies or bisexuals/any other lgbt identity than lesbian or gay or binary trans is valid, and a whole bunch of other stuff. It's not worth talking to her.

🌊 missingmyscales Follow

Ahh thanks... blocked her. I didnt think to check her blog beforehand

#sorry again for arguing on your post, Maple #saw a misconception ab RiverClan and blacked out lol

407 notes

🔁 🏞 trouttail-prefers-bass reblogged

🌾 barncat-vibes Follow

Good morning everyone <3 remember to eat breakfast and stay hydrated!

2,301 notes

🐍 xviper-the-fagx

Ithunk i atw a bug

#it difnr taste good euther :/

1 note

🌱 dirtdigger-23 Follow

So I guess I'm just on this site now?? Clanblr is gone. I can't access any of its posts. But. I can see "Tumblr". Which is weird. The posts are really strange here.

[strab3rr]

hi love,

How did you induce pure consciousness xx

i know u guys love big stories -i love those things too- but im sorry i don’t have any

but i can try to make it seem bigger 4 u.

it was a sunny day

it was a normal day

at least i thought it was…

i make a brunch w my mom and then we go buy some groceries

did i mention it was a sunny day..

there was so much sweat blood and tears(i was on my period)

then we got home

i dayreamed while i study russian and math(tears again)

than i watched my fav show(supernatural)

and finally dinner time w my family 🎉🎉🎉🎉

i got dishes and go straight to my room

usually we have some tea after dinner

but i had cramps so i just go to bed w a pill

when i realized the pill worked i tried to sleep and get some rest

but i couldn’t so i thought i can do pinteresting🎀

i add some pins to my silly little boards(therapy)

then i saw a pin/tumblr post(wait im gonna try to find that)

after reading this pin, i remembered the posts i was readin on tumblr (b4dprincess’s posts)

then i opened tumblr and continued to read those

when i was done w reading i was like 👍 ok this is it

its my reality how hard can it be?

i put my phone down and take one deep breath

(oh noooo theres only 10gif/image allowed on mobile, i was havin fun aaaaa)

life saving emojiiiss

😮‍💨

and thats it

i did nothing but taking that one deep breath (physically)

i focused on everything but my body

i think about the dates i will have w him

i think about my house, neighborhood

i daydreamed my pets

the clothes

friends and the more i think about these things i was feeling closer

some point i felt like im levitating and drowning at the same time, this is the part i got scared but be cool abt it

affirmations ive said while being cool:

i am detached from any realities

i am here and there, everywhere and nowhere

i am everything and nothing

i am, i am, i am

i am nothing but my soul

i am beyond of any physical world

i am i am

i induced my pure consciousness within seconds

i am

i am

i am

i said ‘i am’ till i felt nothing

for a second i thought i didn’t make it but again be cool abt it (bc: dont let them know ur next move)

i felt ready and opened my eyes and finally i was there and just as i imagined i felt everything and nothing at the same time

it felt forever and not even a second at the same time

guys

it-was-awesome 👏🏻

(for the clarification: i didn’t mock w anything with all those gifs)

its just im trying to tell you, i mean u want a recipe but there isnt any

there’s nothing literally nothing to do for enterin your void

well theres one thing: relax.

just relax, you got this, stop overcomplicating it. its inside of you not in the space, not in the underground not in the air not in the fuckn atmosphere its within you, so you dont have to worry about anything because its there. its always there and it will always be there

stop searching for some magic key. because you are the key. you are the void you’re searching for.

i know, having a lot with your life and everything is hard and you have goals to achieve, moments to live

well good news

you can change this and you should because you deserve better

only you can change this

(i talk a lot and most of them are nonsense but i am right abt one thing, and that is, you deserve better. so act like it)

loves, siena.

[taehyunsluvr]

⋆ ˚｡⋆୨୧˚ Boy Next Door ˚୨୧⋆｡˚ ⋆

warnings: sub!soobin, afab!reader, dom!reader, making out, friends to strangers to lovers, nerd!soobin, nicknames (noona, soobie), kinda leg riding?, first time, pervert!soobin, not proofread

a/n: short, kinda a random idea but fits him. We all know he'd he such a boob guy. Theres lore guys theres lore okay trust me

!!MDNI!!

Everyone labels him the "nerd" of the neighborhood because he's kind of the guy everyone uses for homework answers. Your friends, they can be a bit harsh. They sorta.. kinda.. bully him? That sounds realllyyy bad but really all they do is tease him from time to time. For small things like his glasses, the way he dresses, yk the usually things. And yeah, you've laughed along a few times. It felt wrong, but it was worth it to be friends with them.

Though he's always kinda been your friend, secretly. He helped you out with math when you were practically failing, listened to your endless rants about whatever drama was going down at school, and never asked for anything back. Thats just all he was though, always there, kind of like part of the scenery of your life you never really paid much attention to.

Then randomly at school, Soobin comes up to you. He's looks of nervous, which honestly wasn't that weird for him. He purposefully tried to meet you when your friends were getting snacks during your break.

"Y/n," he mutters, "there's something I really need to tell you." You just stare at him. You were kind of annoyed because if your friends saw you they would never shut up about you talking to him. "I like you, more than a friend like. I've felt this way for a while but didn't say anything because I know how it is with your friends..I know you laugh with them, and it's cool but we're graduating soon so I didn't want to miss the opportunity." You didn't really give him an answer. You just stared at him, mouth open slightly and with a confused expression before he walked away.

It pissed you off that he just HAD to tell you. It was awkward as HELLL and now you couldn't even ask him for help with work. And not to mention finals were like in a week. And now you stood in your kitchen, pissed of because your mom told you 5 minutes ahead of time that the Choi's would be coming to your house to have dinner. Was this a joke? Well you wanted to make the best of it. At least you could play around with him for the time you had. You tried slightly with your outfit and makeup, but no too hard. When the door opened and his family entered, you were sitting on the couch. You got up to greet them all, glancing at Soobin. He had his usual black framed glasses on, and a plain outfit.

"Hey you came." You waved slightly to him. He VERY awkwardly waved back, looking at his feet avoiding eye contact. "Mom we'll be in my room." Now this would sound suspicious if it wasn't for the fact that you've known each other since you've worn diapers. You both made your way up your stairs, and into your room. "You can sit on my bed if you want." He nodded silently. "Soo.. anything new with you?" You wanted to talk about something, ANYTHING to break this awkward suffocating feeling. It wasn't just awkward, but you were also still pissed. You weren't pissed at the fact that he abruptly confessed, but more by the fact that he didn't let you give a proper response. He constantly avoided you at school and pretended not to be home when you brought stuff over to his house for his family. Did he think he was alone with his feelings?

"Some people started a rumor at school.." He said breaking the silence again. "They said we're a couple. You raised an eyebrow. "Oh yeah? You sure you didn't start the rumor yourself?" You teased. He looked genuinely bothered. You scoweled. "What? Does it make you that unfomfortable that people think we're dating?" He quickly retorted, "N-no..! I just thought it might make you.. annoyed"

"Ill decide for myself how I feel, thanks, I dont need you deciding that."

"thats not what I meant.. I'm sorry noona.." He said repentually.

"I never even got to respond to you that day. Maybe the rumors would have been true if you let me speak." You said moving slightly closer to him on your bed. He looked confused.

"My answer is I like you too, and I do want to date you. So does that answer suit you? Or were you expecting rejection?" he paused. He felt a bit embarrassed when you so bluntly expressed your feelings to him. He wasn't expecting a positive reaction, so he felt hesitant on if he should speak or stay quite.

"H-huh?" He couldn't tell if you were teasing him or not. "If you're actually serious then why didn't you just tell me then?"

"Because you didn't give me the opportunity to. Well its good we got that out of the way. I'm actually really excited now. We can do tons of fun couple things." She said facing him.

"We-w-what?" The whole mood shifted. A moment ago you guy's were all serious, which was totally out of character for you. Soobin was taken by surprise as you leaned closer. "What 'couple things' are you talking about..?" His voice broke as he spoke.

"we could play around and.." she leaned closer to whisper to him, "I would even.. let you touch them." She leaned back away from him and laughed hysterically while cupping her chest in her hands.

Soobin felt his entire face immideitatly turn red and his heart rate shoot up. He felt like he could die from embarassment as he felt his body heat up because of the teasing. He could only slightly nod. "W-well I guess.. we can do that.."

"Oh so you're admitting to being a pervert?"

"I-it's.. not like that" He said answering quickly. "I'm not.." it was a joke you often said to him before.

"You've thought about it before haven't u? How they felt?"

"W-well.. um.. yeah.. I have thought about it.. but that doesn't make me a perv.." His face flushed even more than before.

"It totally does. But your wish is my command." She took his big hand and placed it on her chest. Soobin immediately felt a sudden warmth on his hand. It was like every nerve was being stimulated, and his breath began to become more heavy as his heart rate increased. You never knew boobs turned guys on this much. Or maybe it was just Soobin..

"You like it right?" You teased.

"W-well, I mean.. they're- they look really soft and I.." He trailed off and he was stuttering profusely. It was already too much for him to handle.

"you're already this flustered from feeling my clothed chest?' He nodded in a mix of shame and embarrassment. His face was completely red now. You wanted to test his limits. You leaned onto him, pressing a soft gentle kiss onto his lips. You just wanted to test the waters. His eyes widened in surprise as he felt the unexpected sensation. He hesitated for a moment before slowly parting his plush lips. The kiss became more rough, and you pulled his waist, so once he attempted to pull away, naturally he fell onto his back on your bed. He gasped for air, his body trembling under yours. His hands moved up to your shoulders, trying to push you away but finding it almost impossible to resist. The warm touch of your hand started to spread all around his torso as your fingers began to run over his skin. He let a groan before speaking, "M-Mmph...p-please don't.. dont't stop.." You moved your mouth down to his kneck, slowly trailing kisses down his sensitive skin.

A shiver ran down his spine, and he let out more groans as he tried to hold onto u, not wanting you to stop. You lifted up his plain tee revealing his chest. You brought one of his even more sensitive nipples into your mouth, gently sucking. Soobin let out a soft moan, and he couldn't help but arch his back slightly. You could feel his heartbeat now, and he could feel himself getting harder under your touch. You felt it. It was huge. Wasn't he the nerd everyone asked for homework answers? Why did god give him everything. Looks, brains, and a huge cock. She let out a teasing laugh.

"Somone's excited." She lifted her knee in between his legs.

"M-mhhh..mm n-noona.." His moans became even more intense as you pushed into his hard erection through his sweatpants. He couldn't hold it in anymore. "M-more..please," he managed to whisper between ragged breaths. She gave attention to his swollen nipple while still pushing her knee into him. The sensations were overwhelming. His body trembled. He pressed his hips forward in an attempt to get closer to the sensation you were creating. "Fuck.. I can't take m-more.." His voice strained. "Mm.." He tried to hold back, but as soon as he felt your hand slip down under his sweatpants onto his hardness he couldn't help but make noises of pleasure.

"Shhh.. these walls aren't sound proof soobie." You told him, knowing there was no way anyone downstairs could hear if they couldn't hear your blasting music that you usually played on your speaker. His body tensed up and he felt himself about to climax, his hips bucking forward. "noona I'm- I-" With a suppressed and strained moan he released his seed into his sweatpants, panting heavily as the wave of pleasure washed over him. He took a second to fully come down to realize the situation. His legs still twitching, he felt both incredibly embarrassed and incredibly speechless.

"Oh- by the way I'm sorry for laughing with my friends.. before.." She had a complete 360 in the way she treated him but he didn't even seem to notice-- or care. "I-i don't even care anymore." He said calmly. "Can you grab me a tissue?"

[lovebunnie]

“so are we just not gonna talk about it?”

spy looks over the edge of his cigarette to the scout, leaning against a wall in feigned nonchalance. he looks agitated with fingers curled into white knuckled fists. he looks ready to hit someone, spy thinks. ever the violent little thing.

“you will have to be more specific.”

scout scoffs. “thats’a no then.”

“say what you want, boy.” the spy exhales his smoke out of the corner of his mouth.

scout's nose crinkles as he steels himself as though preparing to weather a storm. the tension between them feels thick as the spy's already charred lungs feel even more strained. faint redness tinges the boy's cheeks and the spy knows that scout is trying not to cry.

"what good is it if you wont freakin' listen? whats the point in trying to say anything when every one of ya jerks look at me like im not in on it, like im the last to know. i have eyes." scout's frame shakes, turning to face the spy. "im not that stupid, i can connect the dots.”

“you are talking in circles. this game you are playing had no place among coworkers-“

“youre my father, you asshole.”

spy slowly takes his cigarette from his mouth. he lets the silence take hold of the room to mask the feeling of cold dread washing over him. it was never supposed to be this way. “ah, i see,” he mutters.

“yea,” scout spits, “been searching for the bastard my whole life and it freakin’ figures id meet him here, at the end of the world.”

“life is surely funny that way.”

“doesnt feel very funny.”

the spy watches scout shuffle his feet. “you were never supposed to find out like this.”

“dont give me that.” the scout hisses the words and the red raising in his cheeks disguises his smattering of freckles. the spy thinks he looks older like this, settled into his rage. “i wasnt never supposed to know, was i?”

he could lie. he has been lying his whole life and it came to him far easier. there was already a story at the tip of his tongue about waiting for the right time and place, about waiting for when all the bloodshed was over to finally embrace his role as a father. really, he should lie to save his own sanity and peace of mind in the workplace if nothing else.

“no, you were not.” however, the truth sneaks out of spy like an exhale.

the scout jerks a nod and looks away. his throat clicks with the swallowing of tears and the little boy from another lifetime ago is standing right in front of spy all of a sudden. the small hands that grabbed his fingers when he was a newborn now clench onto nothing. wide eyes once full of wonder were now unable to meet his own.

“you were just gonna, what, keep going here until one of us died? everyone was just going to keep this to themselves and let me rot with it?” the scout takes a deep breath. “my ma knows too, doesnt she? has known about it the whole freakin’ time i bet.” he deflates a bit at the mention of his mother.

“she wanted me to keep an eye on you,” the spy says.

at once, something gripes scout and suddenly the rage is back, sparking and sputtering with righteous fury. “jesus christ, again with the lies? you were gonna keep an eye on me, oh, like back when i was a kid and getting my lunch money taken? back when i had to earn my place in the neighborhood just to keep from getting pummeled?” he points a finger. “you never did anything even close to protect me. when ma couldnt pick me up from practice because she was home with the flu, it was benny who came to get me, not you. when i needed field trip permission slips signed, matty taught me how to forge a signature.” one finger becomes two and counts up in time with his words. “randy taught me how to tie my shoes. eddie knew where id always forget my backpack. sammy let me pick any candy i wanted when we went to the grocery store.”

the spy stays silent. no words come to him.

“and when i got here, who showed me where to put my things? it wasnt you spy, it was demo. when i had to ask about my shots getting delivered here, did you go out of your way to make it happen? no, medic did that too. did you ask me what i wanted for breakfast or was that heavy? did my father ever offer to upgrade my weapons or did engie do that?”

the scout, during his scolding, had involuntarily stepped closer and closer to the spy until they were in each other’s faces. the air felt thick, and spy wanted to cloak right now more than anything on earth.

scout steps back. “i didnt need a father then and i sure as hell dont need one now,” he says.

if the world was right and just, spy would apologize right now and say he regretted leaving his son as he did all those years ago. he would promise that the lies ended here. he would promise to start being the father scout deserved, better late then never.

but unfortunately, the world was how it was. “are you quite done?”

scout stares at him for a moment with his jaw somewhat dropped, and the spy feels his heart break at the realization that the scout had had hope in a different outcome.

“youre a real piece of work,” scout grumbles. “lets both forget this happened, okay? dont even bother trying to pretend to care, either. we should both just forget about each other like this, im too tired to deal with any more.” the scout takes a step back before a smirk tugs at his lips and he gives a watery snort. “ya know, life is funny that way. this time, i get to be the one to walk away.”

before spy can try to respond, the scout turns on his heel and walks away, as was his birth right, as was his nature.

like father, like son.

[shelbycragg]

hi guys i have a lot of online housekeeping to do! here is my agenda, if that interests you

i am going to be moving my prints and original paintings to my personal website storefront soon so that stellar neighborhood can focus on jewelry and handmade items. in the meantime, all the prints on etsy are on sale, so check that out if you want to give someone my art as a holiday gift this year…

neokosmos is being reworked into its final form, syn7ropy.

syn7ropy is an an adult (18+) scifi novel series written by myself and brian oseguera, my partner and for real english major professional writer 😂 i will be doing the illustrations with the incredible @bluehatted and by god we will have the first book out digitally by next year. thank you to everyone who has believed in this project over the years. it is nearly a decade in and my all consuming autistic passion to tell this story has not subsided despite random life misfortunes preventing me at every turn LMAO.

for my day job i will be making painting tutorial Content and selling originals. that content will be going up on tumblr too! yay!

WHEW.

once i get my shit sorted i will also be figuring out a way to fundraise for relief cause i dont want to waste what little platform i have. you can follow my personal blog @xaveria for more on that as i fumble around trying to be a person

if you read this whole thing here is a roxy for you ✨

oh yeah im also thinking about making an email subscription thing if anyone is interested. also how do you do that. help me

[srjlvr]

,, stages of confession ‘‘

PAIRING . . . highschool-student!Jay X highschool-student!femReader !

GENRE . . . brother’s bsf trope! , fluff , angst(?) , maybe even crack but maybe just a tiny bit.

WC . . . 2.2k+ !!

SYNOPSIS . . . there are many stages of confession, especially when your crush is your brother’s best friend.

WARNINGS . . . not really a warning but heeseung as your older sibling , one year age gap(idk if its really a warning) , insecurities !

STAGE ONE — denial.

“i’m not having a crush okay, he’s heeseung’s best friend, there’s no way!” — if there’s one thing you learnt about yourself in the last few years, is that you’re a good liar, but it really depends on who you’re asking.

“you keep repeating the same sentence each time i ask you about it, i know you good enough to know that you’re always doing it when you’re lying” your best friend riki, would say otherwise.

“okay so maybe a tiny crush, it’s nothing big, he’s my brother’s best friend, let’s not forget that” you rolled your eyes, “so? it’s the perfect plot! brother’s best friend has always been my fav”

“my life’s not a movie you know” “oh it is, ever since jay entered your life, the camera started rolling”

you rolled your eyes again and playfully punched the guy.

you’ve known jay ever since you were little, he’s older than you by one year, and younger than your brother by one year as well.

jay met your brother in the neighborhood, and ever since then they became literally inseparable.

“jay, this is my sibling, y/n” a month after jay and heeseung —the long lost twins— met, heeseung finally introduced you to jay.

jay was focused on you, you were so pretty in his eyes, you totally made him fighting the urge to learn more about you.

“it’s nice to meet you” he smiled warmly at you, “its nice to meet you too” you replied happily.

those were the first and almost last words you two exchanged. there’s only “hey”s and “bye”s whenever jay’s coming around but nothing more and nothing less.

as you grew old, you started seeing each other more at school, you’d just return smiles and stares but again, nothing more and nothing less.

whenever jay would come over, you’d spend your time staring at him from the kitchen, while he was in the living room, playing some video games with heeseung.

“listen, heeseung is finishing school this year, which means you and jay finally get to talk without it being so awkward!” riki smirked at you.

“i can barely even say hey to him anymore” you sniffed, “oh come on i see the way you two are looking at each other whenever you meet in the hallway, it’s obvious that he’s crushing on you as well”

STAGE TWO — accepting.

the other day, you were walking to riki’s locker, crossing your hands and looking at him seriously.

“okay fine maybe i do have a huge crush on him” you sighed while looking at cheerful riki, “tell me something i don’t know”

“but i’ve also accepted the fact that it can never happen between us” you added, “exact—wait what no!” riki sighed, “of course it can”

“heeseung would never let us date” you sighed, “let’s not forget about the fact that he’s not interested in me, i mean look at his classmates, everyone’s so pretty and around his age”

riki rolled his eyes and smacked you, “you HAVE to see the way he looks at you whenever you’re not watching him, it’s like he has heart eyes or something like that”

“i think you’re a bit exaggerating” “i’ll hide a camera in my sweater and prove to you who’s the one exaggerating”

“what do you think i should do?” jay asked sunghoon, one of his friends and classmates. “i mean, heeseung never said anything about his sibling being off limits, but i dont think he’d like the idea of you two dating”

“i think it’s worth a shot” he shrugged, “heeseung is leaving school this year and will probably go to college, this is my chance”

jay has already accepted his huge crush on you, from time to time he would steal glances of you, so intrigued by your beauty.

whenever jay’s coming over to your house, he’d spend every second in trying to get closer to you, including going to the kitchen to fill up more than ten cups just because you were spending your time in the kitchen and he thought it’d be a great opportunity to talk with you.

it didn’t work out though, just as you said before, things are just awkward between you two.

jay can’t stop thinking about how pretty you are, and your bubbly personality is what makes him more curious about you. he watches you from afar, playfully punching your friend, riki and then laughing your ass off with him, it’s something that made him envy riki, he wanted to be the one to make you laugh like that.

STAGE THREE — trying.

another year passed and heeseung is finally out of the picture, so what’s stopping you from talking to him now?

it was fear, the fear of not being enough for him, the fear of being different and weirder than the others, the fear that he’ll laugh at you the second he hears you talking and so on.

“you should at least try,” riki said, at the verge of begging, “it won’t hurt”

“what am i supposed to say? ‘oh hey! now that heeseung’s outta the picture we can kiss!’?” riki giggled, “no, i think you’ll know what to say when you’ll see him”

“i’m going to try,” jay said to sunghoon, “it won’t hurt”

sunghoon nodded and pat jay’s shoulder, “i wish you well dude, try not to die in the hands of heeseung okay”

STAGE FOUR — meeting up as if its the first time.

you were taking some books out from your locker when jay suddenly showed up.

“hey!” he said kindly, “oh, hey jay!” you replied with a smile.

“heeseung is not here now” he added, “right”

“so i’ve been meaning to ask if you’d like to get to know each other better, it’d be less awkward between us each time i come over to your house” he chuckled.

“oh gosh yes finally,” you sighed in relief, “i thought i was the only one who felt awkward”

jay shook his hand, “no no, its totally mutual”

“so i was thinking about going to the park after school, just to talk about whatever” “i would love that” you smiled warmly at him.

“great! can i get your phone number?” he suddenly asked, “so i could contact you when i finish school”

“oh yeah right” you held him out your phone and he put his number in it, “done! i’ll see you later” he smiled and walked away.

“dude!” a second after jay walked away a figure jumped on you causing you to fall. “you got jay’s phone number AND you’re going to the park with him later? i’m so proud of you”

you glared at the figure, “oh im gonna beat you up you better start praying nishimura riki!”

“wait wait wait,” he froze before you could hit him, “can you at least tell me what happened?”

you did end up telling him what was the conversation about, and he obviously couldn’t stop teasing you about it.

“i told you and i said what i said” he stick out his tongue, “remember me when you get together”

“i’m fighting the urge to beat you up on daily basis i need therapy” you sighed.

school ended and you texted jay that he should wait by the lockers and then you both could go out together, he texted you right away with an okay.

as you walked out of the classroom, you could already see him leaning on the locker next to yours, patiently waiting for you.

you smiled and walked up to him, “hey again” he said, “hey, i kept you waiting too long?”

“no not at all! i’ve just finished some things i had to do” you nodded and put your books in your locker, “let’s go now shall we?”

“i think heeseung would kill me if he saw us together” jay chuckled as you two kept walking around the park, “i can talk some sense in him” you rolled your eyes.

“your brother loves you a lot, he wouldn’t stop talking about you” he smiled, “i could say the same about you, it’s always ‘jay jay and jay’ whenever we gossip” you rolled your eyes.

“but that’s what made me curious about you” you added and he nodded, “i’m glad to know my feelings are mutual”

you two spent the rest of the afternoon together, even going to a local cafe just to get comfy and eat some snacks together.

“thanks for today, i really hope we can do this more” he smiled, “i really hope so too, i had fun today”

he nodded and watched you walking up to your door, “i’ll text you later!”

STAGE FIVE — confronting.

“hey!” heeseung popped out of the living room and hugged you tightly.

your relationship with your brother couldn’t be better than what it is, you’re each other’s best friend and know every little secret about each other.

“hey” you replied, “you’re back late” he pointed out.

“yeah” you replied and hesitated, “i was actually with jay”

“really?” he said excitedly and hugged you.

“are you okay?” you asked him, now you’re the concerned one.

“yn please, it was obvious that the moment i leave school, you two would open up and talk” he said, “i had to watch you two stealing glances every now and then”

“i don’t understand” you said.

“you’ve never asked or talked about wether it’s okay if you and jay would hang out or not, i’m obviously a fan of you two” he chuckled.

“god you acted like you’re mad all the time!” you complained, heeseung laughed and pat your head, “it’s your mind that makes you think like that, i was actually the happiest when i first noticed your tiny crush on him”

“you didn’t even have to tell me you’re crushing” he shrugged and you rolled your eyes, “how do you even know im- you know what? im just gonna go shower” you said and ran to your room.

heeseung sent u off and then smirked, he took out his phone to call his friend, “jay you were right, she just told me you went to hang out together” he giggled.

“really? what did she say…?” jay asked curiously, “you’d have to find out”

a few days ago, jay went up to heeseung and confessed to him about his crush on you. “heeseung, i need to tell you something”

“i know and im already excited” heeseung smiled warmly. jay looked at him confused, “how do you-“ “you were about to tell me that you’re crushing over my sibling right? it was pretty obvious”

“i waited patiently for the day to come” he chuckled, “how did you even find o-“ jay’s eyes widened a bit, “i’m not blind, i noticed your stares and awkward tension, come on it was so obvious”

jay just grinned and went up to hug the older one, “since when did you become so-“ “thank you heeseung, it means a lot”

“i’ll be waiting for your confession, better do it soon or i’ll be the one to reveal it”

“please don’t” jay smiled.

STAGE SIX — waiting for the right time.

“well? it’s been a month and i havent heard anything from y/n except your hang outs” heeseung rolled his eyes.

“im waiting for the perfect time, i don’t want to rush it” jay shrugged.

“this is the perfect time! you’ve spent together a lot more than you think” heeseung pointed out.

“you’re right but-“ “i’m not going to force you, but you should do something before it’ll be too late”

“too late for what?” you came behind jay and smiled, “we were just talking about the fact that finals are soon and i didn’t even start studying” jay rolled his eyes.

“oh, same here” you said disappointed. “hey y/n, let’s go watch a movie!” he suggested.

“sure, let me go and get ready” you smiled and went up to your room.

“i’m gonna do it now” he grinned and heeseung crossed his fingers as a good luck.

STAGE SEVEN — confessing.

as you and jay sat on your seats, you noticed him taking a few deep breaths.

“are you oka-“ “y/n, i actually have to tell you something”

you nodded and waited for him to continue.

“i like you, a lot actually” he smiled, “ever since i first saw you, you caught my eye and i couldn’t stop falling for you, you never fail to keep me intrigued about anything the involves you and-“

“i would really like to take you out, on a date, and officially call you mine” as soon as he finished, the movie started rolling. “you don’t have to answer right away, take your time if it feels too rushed for you”

he then turned his head to the screen as you kept staring at him.

soon, the movie ended and you don’t remember even watching it, you were so deep in thoughts and excitement.

the jay park, likes me? you thought and your cheeks started to automatically blush.

as jay was about to get up from his seat, you grabbed his wrist to stop him.

“i would love to go out with you on a date, and i would love to be called yours” you let your mouth speak without even thinking.

jay smiled immediately and dragged you into a hug.

“oh god im so glad-“ “FINALLY!!”

you heard claps and shouts from behind you. you took a glance and saw riki and heeseung standing right behind you with small tears in their eyes.

“i never thought i’d be able to watch you two get together before my college starts” heeseung wiped his happy tears.

“i told you!” riki smirked and shrank as you glared at him as if you’re going to kill him.

jay then got closer to you and whispered in your ear, “me and you tomorrow, at 8pm, i’ll come to pick you up”

© — 2023, srjlvr. pls don’t copy/translate any of my works without permission ! | reblogs and comments are very appreciated !

[creatingblackcharacters]

Some of my thoughts for your conversation about inaction towards antiBlack/racist behavior in shared online spaces (particularly fandom).

1. "I dont see it / I dont go here" - this was my first thought/defensive reaction and in reading others responses I think its a shared one.

Tumblr is perhaps unique in how purposely you can shape your experience and limit what you interact with. Blocking someone just cause is fully acceptable and expected here.

So, when Ive seen depictions of 'Black' characters that made me go, "Mmm idk man" its been my policy to just block and move on. Less chance of seeing a racist in the tags I like in the future *shrug*

Now on other sites perhaps there is some consideration that could be given to not wanting to boost something racist via interaction...but that's not how Tumblr works. Furthermore your reminder that seeing things go unopposed is the problem hit me like a frying pan to the face. Because...yeah duh.

We know the 'social rules' of this platform, you report/block the porn bots, you dont spam tags for engagement (or report if you see it), add image descriptions, reblog things you like etc. Would it be so hard to leave a simple comment on the things you want to see be changed?

2. "What if I do it wrong/I dont know this fandom/Not my place to speak?" - I firmly believe the main reasons people dont meaningfully engage with posts here or on other platforms is two fold: Responses and Outting.

If you were to post a mild comment saying for example, "Hey, feels kinda weird how you're only talking about this Black character being violent in this show. Why dont you check out this blog post by CBC, a Black artist who really digs into this topic more?"

Now you are expected to 1. 'deal' with whatever that persons response is and 2. Anyone an see and respond to what you said.

I think we generally expect random stranger interactions on the Internet to be unpleasant but, like if we are putting the focus on caring about Black people in out spaces...shits already 'unpleasant' for them.

Its time to start firing fireworks off in our neighborhoods to keep the rents low so to speak. You, non-Black folk (i.e me), dont have to wage endless comment battles with someone who wont listen. Just stating what you are seeing is enough, its marking that post for other people coming along. Forcing the question, "Y'all are we cool with this?"

As for messing up/having a record of things you said someone else might take issue with later on. Yeah but thats already happening whenever you reblog anything.

If you actually spoke out of turn just say, "Im sorry thanks for letting me know" and move on with your life. Otherwise folks on here will actually harass you over your shipping preferences so your rolling those dice already. Why not do it for something better worth it?

3. A Note - Genuinely thank you for posing these thoughtful question and just honestly expressing your frustration/hurt. It helped me think more deeply about some old habits.

Thank you!

Hm. And you're welcome

[evil-marco]

welcome to my blog. here i bitch about stupid people. come one, come all.

short overview: hey i'm marco. im a person with dissociative identity disorder. i use any pronouns, and i'm an adult. if you don't like me, block me! it's not my job to be internet friendly. it's your job to police your internet consumption. peace and love. (i know this sounds sarcastic but i'm being /srs. if you do not like the content tumblr is showing you, curate it. there's no use getting offended over it, or upset. either listen & learn or move on. i genuinely don't care which.)

as mentioned before, i'm marco (or, if you want, apple (not orange (which is a surprise considering the theme i chose))). i have DID. alters will reveal themselves if they want to. as an overview, i have 7-8. i dont believe in emoji signoffs—i have a name and i will use it.

always feel free to send asks about DID or system shit. i love correcting misinformation—if you need help finding good resources, i'm majoring in english and would love to help you find credible ones. i am also down to debate syscourse at any point. don't straight up call me a slur though you will just get clowned on.

i am like your friendly neighborhood spiderman except i'm not friendly or spiderman and instead just really don't like people faking dissociative disorders. that's about it.

no DNI because that's cringe & not how real life works, but if you believe in the following and feel strongly about it, you might want to block me. i also feel strongly about it and i guarantee you i'm more stubborn:

₊　endo systems. tulpa systems. any system that is not disordered. any of that "mixed origins" bullshit. i think you guys should get back into kinning.

₊　people who think you can be a completely binary man and a lesbian. [insert loud incorrect buzzer here]

₊　similarly, people who think you can be a completely binary woman and be mlm [insert equally loud incorrect buzzer here]

₊　those people who take shipping too seriously. do not tell me to kms because i don't ship your favs.

₊　systems who think systems should get special treatment for the sake of special treatment. you do not need pluralkit in every server ever. shut up

₊　people who refuse to debate your beliefs. you are stagnant. one day the world will move on without you and you will be the reason why.

₊　if you're being nsfw in my notifs i'll block you. idc about your blog (so feel free to interact/like/reblog with a sfw caption) but if i have to see it i will avoid it! much love to the nsfw bloggers but not my cup of tea

₊　generally just have common sense and we'll get along!

inbox / askbox are open ! i love education & debates, and will absolutely explain my perspective most things.