#i dont think ive ever seen women take a mans story about being hurt by a woman seriously like ever

[tacochippy]

its always "women are people" until that means theyre capable of being soemthing other than perfect, demure victims. sometimes. and this is a wild concept. women can be cruel. because women are people and people are capable of hurting other people on purpose.

[crossovereddie]

Actually, here is an alternative thing for you to occupy your time with, and a question I have been meaning to ask you for a while. I have finished 911 finally! So I'm ready for the new season. And I wonder, realistically, what do you think the roadmap would be for a buddie endgame?

I absolutely see how their story has been framed and filmed in a lot of parallels to how a romantic storyline would be set out. But there has been no outright mention of either of them being bi - although the conversation about Maddy setting Buck up with whassisface was very casual and could very easily have been an example of canonically bi Buck - and they are both at the end of season 4 in 'relationships' with women.

So, in your estimation, what's the timeline? What's the transition? How do they go about this and how long does it take? I wanna know your thoughts 👀

okay yes i have lots of thoughts on this and it's actually one of my fave questions i get asked. I've always watched a lot of tv shows so I'm just estimating on what I've seen before and what I would personally do. IMO this love story is a slow burn. We only have four seasons so far and only three of those seasons have Eddie in them. This unsurprisingly got long so ill put it under the cut.

So I'll go by seasons bc to me its important to look at everything that has happened so far by seasons and by love interests and not as a whole. Its the best way i can form a timeline that I think would make the most sense and why

S1: So we don't get any hints at Buck being anything other than straight and I think this is because he was supposed to be. They hadn't planned for Eddie yet and they definitely hadn't planned for the chemistry Oliver and Ryan were gonna have. S1 Buck was this reckless kid who didn't take anything serious. He was definitely super immature. Then he meets Abby and he starts to get serious about his job and his love life. I'm not gonna say "Abby changed him" because she didnt. He saw the person he was and the person he was becoming and decided on that change himself.

S2: Eddie!!!! So we get introduced to this army medic turned firefighter in the least heterosexual way. Then Buck is angry because Eddie is hot and really good at his job. they work together and Eddie compliments Buck and now they're smiley bffs. Seriously wtf was all that? Anyway this is all sus bc from what ive seen before in other shows when a main love interest leaves and a new main character replaces them, that means something. JLH replaced Connie Britton as far as big name actress but i really believe Eddie replaced Abby as far as importance in Buck's life. Do i think they brought him in with the intentions of turning him into a LI? No but they sure fueled the narrative from the get go. I think they saw fans reactions and started testing the waters.

Moving on to LIs in this season. We find out Eddie has a kid and the mother is not in the picture (eddie made sure buck knew that right away). Then later on we find out he's technically still married. shannon comes back and we get Eddie finally getting to confront this head on. He tries to get his family back together for the sake of his son. Its big for Eddie's character bc all he does and all he's ever done is for his son. Then Shannon asks for a divorce then she dies bringing this arc to an abrupt end and leaving eddie heartbroken.

meanwhile Buck is still waiting for Abby. Then he finally accepts that shes not coming back and decides to move on. He goes right back to being "Buck 1.0" with Taylor and feels bad about himself because that really isnt him anymore. He wants a real relationship. So then Ali calls and asks him on an actual date and he agrees. This is his first try at a relationship after a heartbreak. in tv these don't usually work out but are used to develop the main character's growth. We don't really see much of her but she breaks up with him so.

S3: This is Eddie finally dealing with his feelings/guilt season. This is also the season I think we really see how important Buck is to the Diaz boys. S2 had cute buckley-diaz family moments but those could still be interpreted as a best friend and his best friend's kid. This season though... after the tsunamic episode was when i really started to fully believe buddie was going canon. This season is solidifying their bond not only as Buck and Eddie but as Buck Eddie and Christpher. As I'm writing this I realized neither of them really has a love interest in this season do they? Ana is introduced but then is clearly presented as definitely NOT the right choice for eddie and especially for Chris. Then they counter that with Buck helping Eddie build a skateboard for Chris that he can use as opposed to Ana's ablest remarks about how he can't do it so just move on to something else. Then we get Buck's reaction in Eddie Begins. Buck has seen his team his friends his family get hurt on the job before but he has never reacted the way he did when it was Eddie in danger. Again solidifying just how much these two mean to each other. Don't even get me started on this season being when Eddie changes his will offscreen. Anyway we get Abby back and Buck finally gets the closure from that relationship that he needs to move forward into a serious relationship.

Now S4: jfc s4....IMO this is the only logical season to get the ball rolling on Buddie and they sure did that with 4x14 despite everything else. So i never thought they would be the first serious relationship for each other after the heart break theyve both experienced. It wouldn't be fair to their character developments. Buck tries dating Veronica and that clearly doesnt work but we know hes now open to dating again. We get Buck Begins where we see why Buck is the dare devil he is. The only way he got his parents attention as a kid was to put himself in danger. They bring back taylor and how to they ultimately get together after she friendzones him? She thinks hes in danger and suddenly wants him. As much as i hate it this is really gonna be a relationship where Buck finally stands up for himself and sees his own worth and realizes he deserves more. He deserves someone who sees him and loves him for who he is. He deserves to be chosen, something Abby Ali his parents dont do and what i think taylor wont end up doing. I feel like shes gonna choose her career over him. Maybe not in a "I'm breaking up with you" way but maybe she takes a new job and want to do LD (hes tried that twice and it didnt work for him. hes not gonna want that) or she could ask him to go with her but he wont. His family is in LA. His job is in LA. Eddie and Chris are in LA and he won't leave them. Then we have Eddie finally deciding to move on and try dating again so they bring back ana. To me it's not gonna work out so I'm not bothered at all lmao. It's interesting that they'd choose her though. Someone we already know Eddie doesn't trust with his son. There's also more buckley-diaz family scenes of them being coparents. The hildy episode, Chris running to Buck when hes mad at eddie, Buck being the one to tell Chris Eddie got hurt, then Buck staying with Chris and taking on the guardian role without him even knowing just how much that role really does belong to him. He didn't do it out of obligation. He didn't do it because he was asked to. He did it because he thought it would be best for Chris. Finally to 4x14. This is by far the biggest "Oh shit this is it. This is the beginning of buddie". We find out Eddie changed his will a year ago and has just been sitting on this info. I think Eddie knew back then what it meant but he wasn't in the right mindset to accept what it means so he kept it to himself. I think he finally started allowing himself to go there during treasure hunt. The man was jealous yall. Carla coming back and her comment about doing whats best for him and not chris is his oh shit moment. I think he wouldve broken up with Ana a few days after that if he had the time lol. He gets caught up in the mother/son sl then this poor mf gets shot by a sniper. The way that whole scene was filmed btw was not in a bff way. That was a lover watching his beloved almost die in front of him. Buck again puts himself down and Eddie decides this is the moment. He needs Buck to see how important he is. He wants buck to know how loved he is. So he sits there talking himself up to it and finally lets Buck know just how big of a part he is in Eddie's family. Buck's previous scene is him saying he wants someone who wants him back then here is Eddie saying he needs him...Chris needs him. wtf.

So with S5: I think Eddie knows and Buck has a feeling but he's not sure so what i would do is spend s5 with Eddie basically showing Buck his feelings but not exactly getting in the way of Buck's new relationship because Buck has to be the one to make that choice. Id also have chris feeling the different shift with buck having a gf like he did with Eddie. This newfound info wasnt just dropped on us for a "Aww so sweet" moment. This will business is gonna be a part of a bigger storyline. I'm hoping its with Eddie's family during maybe 5b.

So what I think would be the best timeline for canon buddie is 5a eddie already having either broken up with ana or is gonna break up with her, Buck choosing himself and ending things with Taylor by midseason finale, them bringing in Eddie's family in 5b and maybe then being when Eddie confesses his feelings for Buck. Then 6a we could get them walking on egg shells around each other not really knowing what to do bc this is all so new for both of them. This could bring just the right amount of comedy and angst especially them awkward and flustered around each other at work. A big blowup can happen between them for added angst (maybe an arguement before one of them or both of them is put in danger) then a midseason finale kiss. Then trying to find the balance between their personal relationship and their work relationship during 6b.

I don't know how long Fox shows last but procedurals can last a long time. I'm not sure thats gonna be the case for 911 especially with all the main cast staying that long so i think this would give us at least a whole season (S7) of canon buddie.

As far as then being presented as straight, there's been more seeds planted about buck being bi. A few i can remember off the top of my head: all of 2x1 lmao, maddie's comment about bucks boy crush on eddie, buck hinting at thinking eddie is cute when he thinks maddie is talking about him, the christmas elf, the comments on the instagram livestream, idk if youve watched it or not but TK's comment to Buck in the crossover episode, and like you mentioned Maddie's casual comment about setting him up with Josh. All we really know about Eddie's love life is he married Shannon when they were young and is trying with Ana so it could turn into a whole storyline for him.

I'm so sorry this is so long and took forever but i I hope i actually answered your question and didnt just get lost in rambles lmao.

[occultruby]

i did this a while ago but heres my imscared white face gender transing theory diagram. putting explanation under the cut for... courtesy? the amount ive thought about this is kind of embarrassing

ok first off i think wf is genderless because its not human or even corporeal, its just a terrible little computer curse. if anything i honestly think its more aligned with the feminine. idk its weird to me that most people gender wf as a man when ivan zanotti (hello sir if youre reading this im sorry) at least from the perspective of an english speaker, has pretty much done everything to avoid gendering wf at all (only ever having used “it” pronouns for wf! hello!), besides the only other appearances of humanoid forms (also wf) being coded as women/images of womanhood/concept of womanhood/whatever

down to business. maybe it isnt as specific as this but a potential idea is the entity being made and intended to be female or at least read as female. since it clearly is sentient and keeping in line with the knowledge that wf is not human and isnt the ghost of the deceased, i dont think its hard to believe wf would not only not understand gender, but also feel constrained by it. if the question is “why would it give a shit” my answer is 1. throughout the game its pretty clear that wf doesnt like being constrained, literally or metaphorically and 2. the same reason any actual person would feel trapped and uncomfortable with their assigned gender or any gender. it comes with expectations for how you should act, look, talk, where you should go, and what you should do there.

the sketch labeled “original” isnt really literal, more of an idea of “someone made a computer virus and its a girl i guess”. HER i think is what white face perceives itself to be, and therefore becomes, as its world is essentially made of its own imagination

everything about HER screams “caricature of womanhood” just straight up This Is How Dysphoria Makes You Think You Look. her huge [REDACTED] and hips/thighs, cinched waist, exaggerated limp wrist, and absurdly long hair. her name is literally “HER”. HER is white faces experience of feeling “this is all i am”, an embodiment of unwanted expectations.

what in general we know to be “white face” is the same entity, named for its appearance as a floating head. i read this as wf hiding its body (something that could be done by editing its own code to make it invisible) but i visually represent it as a black cloak. i also thought a neat but kind of odd idea would be wrapping itself up in its own long dark hair?

on the events of the game. the important part lies in the transition from the first part into BURY HER, in which wf changes into HER, making its body visible and adopting somewhat different behaviors (which seem to communicate a more depressed demeanor and an instinct to self isolate/hide). wf if pretty clear with the player that it makes this change to keep the players interest. personally i have known other trans people who, despite knowing they were trans and going through some levels of social transition, will go back to performing their assigned gender in an attempt to please someone whose approval they desire. and like in real life, wfs practice isnt sustainable. wfs monologue before shooting HER has SO much to dig into. of course it established that it made this change for You. but then, the rain turns to blood as it bitterly remarks that it hates what it became (knowing that wf feels like the mask of HER takes the players interest away from itself, meaning that even if HER and wf are the same entity, wf does not identify as HER. in the end its just an act to impress you). the part that gets me the most about the grave level is that she specifically tells You to “bury [HER] in front of [HER] birthplace”. she was already dead and buried. wf dug her up for You. even though You are the one playing the game, wf is the one seen with the gun. in the end, it was about wf once again burying this past version of itself that it cannot stand any longer.

i dont think it hits as hard as the main events of BURY HER, but im going to come back around to the concept of all figures in the game being coded as women. in the labyrinth we see the various portions of womens bodies (which some people use to theorize that wf is a serial killer but this is nothing to me because. it wasnt a human person lol) that lead into/are portals to a “dark world” (the whole thing with having to reconstruct shards of a broken mirror also kind of screams dysphoria, the whole dress thing! idek how to put this into words im just feeling it), the portrait of a girl in the house (maybe an “original vision” for what wf was intended to be? wfs one source for what a “woman” is?). you could argue that the weird little things with the long arms when youre trying to break the gramophones arent female but 1. literally whatever and 2. theyre essentially extensions of HER made to be mini jumpscares and 3. i think they parallel the “you shouldnt be here” area where HER is seen hanging from the sky by weird distended limbs.

we know wf is entirely unreliable and likely s completely lying on occasion. but i think lies, especially in a game like this, can be dissected to discover something truthful in the narrative. something so specific is the story wf tells about having a brother that it had horrible thoughts about getting hurt in an appliance store, only to reveal that it never had a brother. this is in one of the more vulnerable text files in the game. im gonna go on a limb here and say the story isnt literal, but also does hold significance. no one is reading at this point and its 2:30 so im going to word this more abstractly because thinking is getting harder and i have a 9am class. brother/not real brother is about an imagined person, who wf wants to be or how it perceives itself to be. like it is metaphorically the brother that it doesnt have because it WANTS to be that. honestly if you wanted to you could argue this point works towards the idea that wf is a trans man because of the idea that it wants to be a man but doesnt perceive itself to be a real man so it tells the story of a brother it does/doesnt/is/isnt/wants to be. the whole thing about being injured in the appliance store probably means something about the fragility of the concept or identity or whateverless complicated idea came to me like two paragraphs ago. and its that imscared is about coping with the loss of a sibling by trying to recreate their identity as a program but that its inherently impossible (program saying “i never had a brother” because the brother MADE u to be his sibling but you ARENT because you are just a little game file) but like i got too invested in white face transgender ANYWAYS SO IMSCARED IS OFFICIALLY ABOUT GENDER DYSPHORIAAAAAAA

[andymull]

WWE Wrestlemania 36 - Preview & Predictions

Heeeeeyyyyy heeeeeeeyyyyyy its Wrestlemania....fighting to survive....

............. Coronavirus, social distancing, injuries, sickness, poor booking, late booking changes, trying to get people to pay $60 on PPV instead of free on the Network, etc etc etc

Brock Lesnar (c) vs Drew McIntyre: WWE Championship Match

I really really feel for Drew here, probably the most out of anyone on the show with the lack of an audience as well as the lack of crowds being able to watch in Scotland in bars at the Hooked On Wrestling events, as they would have been SUPERB for both atmosphere and something they would show constantly on tv after the win.

But no, sadly instead of holding this off till later in the year we still have to proceed and deal with it, gutted.

I feel this match could go 25 minutes long and be one of Brock’s longest matches for awhile, in them asking Brock to make Drew look THE STAR in beating him and beating him well. Plus, they cant have both this AND the Goldberg match go less than 5 minutes.....can they?

Wish they would have gone OTT with this and had it filmed at Lesnar’s ranch and be falls count anywhere, Drew turns up saying nothing will stop him from winning the title so he’s there to claim his prize on Brock’s turf. Then gone made fighting around the farm, oh well there’s other matches on this show that will seemingly be booked to shit.

Drew wins, they need to make sure he then moves into feuds with big names and wins clean each time to really invest it all into Drew and see what happens - MCINTYRE

Goldberg (c) vs Braun Strowman: WWE Universal Championship Match

What is there to be said here, Roman had to drop out because they stupidly had him around sick people with his health past, they decide to replace him with Braun who last month lost his title to Sami Zayn, not to mention they didnt even announce it till Smackdown last night without even mentioning Reigns by name after having HHH announce earlier in the week it would be done in an interesting way.............

This should go short with ideally Braun going over, have Bill take the lead hitting all his offense, big spear then as he goes to lift him for the Jackhammer he cant lift him and Strowman bursts out of it hits his finish and pins him clean while in monster mode.

Braun starts the big push from nowhere while at the same time this leaves it open for Goldberg to potentially come back for a rematch, as he didnt have anytime to prepare for Strowman and his game-plan for the bout. Not that I want Bill always around the title scene when he turns up but if they can get Braun going over him clean twice it really helps out a current full time guy under contract WHAT A CLEVER IDEA THAT WOULD BE!!! lol - STROWMAN

The Undertaker vs AJ Styles

I really have no desire to see Taker in a big singles match at Wrestlemania or any other big show ever again, let alone it being in a match with AJ who could have an awesome match with most others on the card. This match should really have turned into the OC vs Taker/Aleister Black if they HAD to go with these guys together, the rub that would have given Black would have been MASSIVE!! Imagine the innovative entrance they could have come up with for both guys together, truly letting Taker pass his aura across to someone new....just goosebumps thinking of how they would look....but nope.

Instead we end up with a feud built around shoot promos about Takers wife doing AJ’s Styles Clash finisher.....

The worst part is that I see Taker going over, not sure if it was confirmed but it was mentioned he’d have 2 others with him who most likely will turn the tide of the match, dont get your hopes up for Black here instead, im guessing its Kane and Big Show....seriously....please be wrong - UNDERTAKER

John Cena vs The Fiend Bray Wyatt

I really wish if they are going to bring back guys who haven't been on the road full time then PLEASE bring them back with a solid storyline that makes sense and that’s been built up for awhile to make sense.....not this. Truthfully they need to build these matches with the sole purpose of having the other guys who could/should have been the spot to be able to turn around and say, ‘you know what, this makes alot of sense and will be great so I cant hold it against them and moan’. Honestly that’s all it needs.

And secondly they really are lucky there wont be a live audience there for the match, the cheers the Fiend would have received over Cena would have drove them wild in editing after trying to build Bray as the crazy heel.

After dropping the title Bray NEEDS the big win here to keep his aura something they can use well, the more they have him lose the quicker that appeal will drop, and for me with Wyatt that doesn't mean he can take loses as long as he isnt pinned like others can ANY loss hurts someone who can teleport (?!?!) - WYATT

Edge vs Randy Orton: Last Man Standing

Edge is the guy in second place behind Drew for me feeling gutted there wont be an audience around for this, imagine coming back after years away and the thought you could never wrestle again through fear of dying then finding you CAN wrestle again.........only to be risking it all in an empty building.....FUCKS SAKE!

This should be great and given the time to have the emotional side of it pour out strong, we should be getting Edge taking a beating to the point that Beth will come out to support him then have her feelings develop to the point she will want him to stay down and stop the pain. Yeah this will be great - EDGE

Becky Lynch (c) vs Shayna Baszler: Raw Women’s Championship Match

I dont think the result should be in question here, Shayna HAS to win and go on a dominant run with the belt, ideally booking Becky to come back in contention for SummerSlam to rematch.......sadly everything's in the air with the world.

For me, and remember those words, Becky’s reign has been abit of a meh fest in-ring, apart from the Sasha bouts, and the extra focus on her has highlighted her ring work which really isnt the strongest part of her game (Not saying she’s terrible at all, but could she please drop the awkward leg drop from the ropes lol). At the same time alot of that is down to how she’s booked as management seem to go on a few months run of wanting the women to be the main focus, then quickly changing their mind and dropping it back massively. Also, the lack of depth with the women’s division's is a problem with them being split over the shows, same with the men to a degree and is the reason we see feuds get dragged and dragged for months, with less women it means we hardly get anything that feels fresh which needs to be key - BASZLER

Lacey Evans vs Sasha Banks vs Bayley (c) vs Tamina vs Naomi - Smackdown Women’s Championship Fatal 5 Way Match

What a mess this is, I have no desire to see Banks/Bayley again for at least another 5 years...........but id much prefer that to having Tamina suddenly dragged on tv and put into the title picture. I get that the roster like her and she’s probably a really nice person to be around and supports the other women massively when needed, but for a viewer she brings NOTHING and hasn't for YEARS, all she’s doing is taking up a roster spot that someone way more deserving could be in from NXT for example. And yes, ive seen the random accounts on Twitter hoping she wins the title............jeez

Wouldn't have a problem with any of the other women taking the win here, sucks that Dana had to pull out as she has really shown improvements the past few months and deserved her place here easily - BANKS 

Rhea Ripley (c) vs Charlotte: NXT Women’s Championship Match

So we definitely are back to saying ‘women’s’ champion again are we? They dropped it the other month but seem to have quickly gone back to it.

Big match for NXT here getting a Mania slot, I really hope that Charlotte doesn't get the win and belt but her winning opens up more fresh options for the future on the women’s division on the show. As long as Charlotte doesn't keep doing her thing of wearing massive heels in-ring to show how much bigger she is to everyone else, for some random reason it annoys me and doesn't need to even be done.

I feel if Charlotte does win the title they will very quickly move another NXT star over to Raw/Smackdown to replace her or hype a new debut upto the draft which MAY be soon - CHARLOTTE

Kevin Owens vs Seth Rollins

The problem with having so many matches at Wrestlemania is that one like this goes so far under the radar its criminal, both guys are great and can pull out something special for the big show....not sure they get the time they will want even with a two night show. This feud will most likely continue so dont worry about who goes over - ROLLINS

Sami Zayn (c) vs Daniel Bryan: Intercontinental Championship Match

Exactly the same as the match before and even more so, a quality match that probably wont get the most time but will be a really fun ride to be on - ZAYN

Jimmy Uso vs John Morrison vs Kofi Kingston: Smackdown Tag Team Title Ladder Match

Yeah dont ask, they had to remove the Miz as he had Coronavirus symptoms but still wanted to do the ladder stipulation...

Honestly the tag division has to be up there for the most stale division in the company, similar to what I said about the women having the Uso’s and The New Day in a match in any combination is just soooooo over done.

Last month I predicted Morrison and Miz to retain and drop the titles tonight but now I hope they keep them, then drop them to Heavy Machinery as soon as they can - MORRISON

The Street Profits (c) vs Austin Theory & Angel Garza: Raw Tag Team Championship Match

Love the SP’s but this really isnt needed in the slightest, I guess the next few matches will be exactly the same. - STREET PROFITS 

Elias vs The Baron King

Exactly - Elias

Aleister Black vs Bobby Lashley

Please have Black go over quick - BLACK

Otis vs Dolph Ziggler

At last a match that deserves its spot on the card, a long term story that’s been developed well and is building to more with the stakes changed down the road. Easily an Otis win with Mandy ending up in his arms for the big smooch - OTIS

The Kabuki Warriors (c) vs Alexa Bliss & Nikki Cross: WWE Women’s Tag Team Championship Match

Lets throw the titles we’ve forgotten about on the show too!! Feel for all the women that have been around the title scene here since the belts came into existence, so much promise over multiple brands that went NOWHERE! - CROSS/BLISS

Kick Off Matches

Drew Gulak vs Cesaro

I think Gulak sneaks the win out with his TECHNIQUE!!! - GULAK

Natalya vs Liv Morgan

I hope Liv picks up the win and they give her more tv time and focus, Nattie winning doesnt really do much for anyone apart from her - MORGAN 

2 nights, lots of matches, lots of things not needed get ready to be mildly hyped!!!

Enjoy

Bye for now

Andy

[vegannaise]

boys deserve love

i started realizing around 16 that i wasn’t cis. i flipflopped back and forth between different nonbinary identities, occasionally wondering (in private) if i was just simply a boy. i was already out as gay, and people already regarded me as a “tomboy”, so that helped alleviate some of my teenage discomfort.

I didn’t date a lot in highschool, partially because i was incredibly intimated by girls, partially because boys didnt pay too much romantic attention to me, and probably a little bit because i had 0 interest in sex all throughout my teenage years.

when i was 17 i had my first “serious” relationship. it was with a boy that coerced me into hooking up with him while i was nearly black out drunk (wow,, what a catch right???!!! thats a whole different story). as sad as this is, i finally felt like my existence was valid. i felt like i had finally achieved this unspoken goal of having someone love me in a romantic way, having someone find me desirable. i was happy for the first time in years.

of course, i was still trans and in the closet during all of this. one night, i was completely swallowed by my dysphoria. i was either on the floor or in front of the mirror crying because of how my body looked. i even ended up giving myself a stick n poke to avoid self harming. Mason (boy in question) was texting me throughout this, i think i had told him i wasn’t feeling good, but i didn’t want to tell him why. he eventually pressured me into telling him what was wrong, and i told him “i dont like my body. i want my body to be a different body. i want to have a BOYS body”.

for just a second, i pictured myself years in the future with a flat chest and stubble and a deep voice, my arms around Mason, who still loved me even though he was “straight” and i had transitioned.

sadly, this fantasy was violently ripped away as soon as i came back to reality. Mason had responded with clear discomfort, saying he wasn’t gay. i told him i knew he wasn’t gay, but wouldn’t he still love me for me??? i would still be the same person, so wouldn’t he still love me????? to which he prompty responded, firmly and bluntly, that if i were to transition and call myself a boy, he would break up with me.

this experience made me go back into the closet for 2 years.

fast forward to when i was 19, i was in a relationship with a transguy. since i grew up in a tiny homophobic town i was never able to date another trans person, and most likely put this person (lets call them...... Pickle) on a big ol’ pedestal because of that. Pickle had been out as trans for almost 5 years, and had been on T almost just as long. they were the first person to tell me that nonbinary people can be trans. they were the first person to actually make me feel seen and valid as not only a trans person, but as a boy.

i ended up coming out to them, in tears, as a transguy. i still felt really confused, i was a boy but didnt really feel connecting to masculinity. i wanted nothing more than to be a pretty boy but recoiled at seeing myself as a Man™. even though that relationship was incredibly toxic, Pickle supported me unconditionally through getting on hormones, they even bought me a new binder. they were the support i had desperately needed.

we had been dating for 8 months when i left town for a few days. something seemed off when i would text them, it felt like something was wrong, but they werent telling me what. Pickle was staying with me at the time, so i saw them as soon as i came back. they said they had something to tell me.

they told me that while i was out of town, they had had a major identity crisis, and realized that she was actually a butch lesbian. of course, i gave her a giant hug, i told her i loved her and that i was so happy she had figured this out about herself. thats when she started talking about us.

she told me that since she was a lesbian and i was a boy, we had to break up; as if this shouldve been obvious to me...... it wasn’t. as she sat there telling me things like “i still love you” and “and i wish things could be different” we both cried. a lot. i still couldnt wrap my head around what was happening. here she was, telling me she wishes things were different so we can be together, why couldnt we just be together as is??? if you want to be with someone, why does it matter if they’re a boy or a girl??? especially when you’ve already been together for 8 months??? it felt like it had a lot more to do with other peoples perceptions of us, it wasn’t because i was a boy, it was because she didnt think she’d be seen as a lesbian dating a genderqueer boy.

the next day i confronted her about this. i was so confused, i had given myself a headache and multiple panic attacks trying to figure out what the fuck i was feeling. she told me that she felt like we should break up anyway, that her realizing shes a lesbian was just “the final nail in the coffin”. i found myself even more hurt and confused than before. id told Pickle all about Mason, how i went back in the closet because i was scared of him leaving me. i told her about all the shame i had accumulated over the course of my relationship with Mason. despite her knowing all this, she still decided to scapegoat our own identities, rather than just own up to the fact that our relationship was falling apart already.

this experience made me question my entire identity, the identity i had JUST started feeling valid in. this experience made me eventually stop taking hormones. this experience made me feel more invaild and undesirable than ever before.

during this time, i started to also ID myself as a (nonbinary) lesbian. i had felt my attraction to men dwindle, and i was grappling with my attraction to women. but more than anything else, i convinced myself that being a boy = being hated. looking “like a boy” = being ugly and undesirable. not only did this feed into terf rhetoric, but its a result of being told my whole life that my worth is directly tied to my level of attractiveness, and that no one would find me attractive if i looked the way i wanted to.

it felt so much easier to stay how i was. all i wanted was to be seen as queer, and since people already read me as a lesbian, i might as well just settle for that, right? at least people would get it. at least people would see me.

i’m 22 now, and ive really only just started to deconstruct these things and unlearn my internalized transphobia and self hatred. about 6 months ago i started calling myself a boy and using he/him pronouns again, and for once i actually feel safe. for once i actually have a good support network. for once i actually feel seen. for once i actually feel loved.

to anyone who actually bothered to read this all the way through: healing is not linear and our identities sure as shit arent. if you’re in the closet right now, or if you’re questioning your gender/sexuality for the first or fifth or tenth time: i see you. i love you. you are so valid in your fear and confusion. the world still actively hates LGBT people, and that internalized fear is so real and deserves to be acknowledged, but please believe me when i say that there ARE people out there who hold the deepest love, appreciation, and camaraderie for you, even if you dont know them yet. your existence as an LGBT person in this world is inherently radical, please don’t ever forget that.

[afewmarvelousthoughts]

Stay Ch. 16

Master List

Pairing: Natasha X Reader (Female)

Summary: You have a gift, the ability to see other people’s innermost secrets. For years you used it to gather intel for the highest bidder when you take on The Widow. After she becomes more than a mark the two of you spend years stealing moments. Post snap you wait in your designated meeting place, look back on the sordid past you share with the woman you love and hope against everything that she’s still alive.

Warnings: Angst, and fluff, and feels oh my!

A/N:  So yeah I swear I wroth an authors note for this... but idfk what happened. 

ANYWAY! Thank you all for being so patient while I got my life together. This one is also short and sweet (guess that’s the mood I’m in). However, y’all should know me by now. This is just the calm before the storm. 

Hope you enjoy this one my pumpkins! 

Tags are open!

@mywinterwolf  @disagreetoagree  @breezy1415  @peachthatdrinkslemonade  @5aftermidnight@jeromethepsycho  @marvel-randomness  @daniellajocelyn  @katecolleen  @yanginginthere@wonderlandmind4 @piensa-bonito @for-the-love-of-the-fandom @lesbian-girls-wayhaught @siriuslycloudy2

March 2007

At some point in the last five months, you’d stopped recognizing yourself. The woman in the mirror wasn’t Y/N. Her hair was different, down to even the eyebrows. Her accent distinctly that of a life long Londoner. She worked for an independent UK couture fashion magazine, chose wine over whiskey, and was distinctly heterosexual.

When the chance to work this job requiring deep cover came up in December you jumped on it. You didn’t want to be you anymore. The you that couldn’t be with the woman you loved. The you that was heartbroken. The you who was beginning to doubt that you’d ever be happy. Fuck her.

Being Charlie Daniels was far better. She was, of course, a real person. Just one who was now living comfortably in the Bahamas courtesy of MI6. Even legit agencies had use of freelance talent every now and then.

Settling into her life had been easy. Not setting her boss on fire or blowing his brains out daily was a different task altogether. Turned out that a magazine was a great front for a crime empire. Lots of international travel, young and beautiful and desperate men and women, money exchanged in countless untraceable ways, on and on. And this fucker was happy to take advantage of every single disgusting avenue it opened up.

You almost had everything you needed to hand to MI6, get your obscenely large payout, and get on to another gig while they threw all of these bastards into cells to rot for the rest of their miserable lives. Just one more trip. After whatever horrible things they lay out in Tokyo you’ll be set.

Tokyo is one of those cities you can lose yourself in. Like New York but better for its interesting balance of vibrancy and grounded reserve. You absolutely love it.

The whole point of the trip, at least on the surface, was to focus on Fashion Week Tokyo. Honestly, there was a part of you that wished this was your world. Nothing but runway shows and after parties. Writing about the latest trends rather than delving into the inner workings of the worlds miscreants

Oh well. It was nice enough to pretend. You had to admit that you’d miss Charlie Daniels once you shed this skin in a couple of weeks.

You’re sitting two people down from your boss at an underground show. The level of security here screams that there are other things going on behind the scenes but it’s still a room filled with a who’s who of the Japanese and international fashion communities.

This was your third show of the day, and you knew there would be a party after where you’d have to schmooze all while plucking information from your unsuspecting fellow guests. You’re exhausted. So rather than pay much attention to the show you let your mind wander.

When she walks out you feel her rather than see her.  Slowly you turn your head to stare dumbstruck at the model walking onto the catwalk. Your heart begins beating against your ribs, your mouth goes dry, your hands shake.

It takes every ounce of control you have to keep your emotions in. To not scream “Natasha!” at the top of your lungs. To not grab her and run for the hills. Charlie Daniels and her easy life be damned. It’s hard but you manage.

As she turns and comes back down, passing now closer to you, her eyes don’t graze  the crowd at all. Head up, shoulders back, she walks the runway like she’d been doing it for years.

The rest of the show is maybe ten minutes but it feels like years. You know the models are all attending the party. Eye candy for the high end guests.

It’s fairly easy to ditch your coworkers in the crowd as you try to find the best vantage point in the room without being too obvious. After a solid twenty minutes, you find yourself planning an escape route. Most of the models are milling about but she’s no where to be seen. You will find her.

But you know you can’t skip out just yet. At the bar, you order a red wine and make yourself seen. Charlie would never miss the whole party after all. You spend a bit chatting with designers and a few models, feigning interest in the whole thing until you hear your boss call out to you.

“Oy, Charlie!” Carl’s voice alone makes you want to put him down. When you turn he’s waving you over to the bar. Sighing heavily you head over.

You’re about ten feet away when you see her, head back laughing at something Carl or his friend had said. Both men are far to close to her for your liking and the hungry look on Carl’s face sets your blood boiling.

He slings an arm around your shoulders and you carefully coach your face to not show disgust. “Charlie here is my best writer. Doin’ some pieces for us on this whole thing,” he waves his other hand around wildly.

“Good to meet ya, Charlie, I’m Dan,” the other man, clearly American says.

“Likewise,” Natasha doesn’t react to the accent at all.

“This here is-”

“Natalie,” Natasha cuts him off, extending a hand to you. Holding her eyes with yours you take it. It’s like touching a live wire.

“Natalie is an American model working here in Japan. May be a good topic for a piece.” He ribs you leaning closer, “And a good piece for the office eh?” Suddenly that MI6 money seems far less appealing.

“I’d love that,” Natasha beams. “Why don’t you guys go mingle and Charlie and I can chat!” The men exchange a glance, but there’s plenty of fresh meat around to sink their teeth into.

Carl flashes you a greasy smile and a wink as he walks away. Thinking clearly that you’re going to snare this woman for him. You, unfortunately, had a few others. Not something you were proud of. Demands of the job you told yourself.

“She’ll take a vodka neat,” you tell the bartender.

“Yes,” Natasha smiles at him, “Whiskey for her. Makers if you have it.” He thinks nothing of it and makes your drinks.

“So, how’s modeling in Japan?”

“Probably about as good as writing for a sleazy jackal.”

You laugh, “That bad? What’s the goal.”

“Getting a cover,” you commend the clever word play.

“That’s a good goal. Long term?”

“Something like that.” She takes a sip of her vodka, “How long are you here?”

“End of the week.” Your skin itches to touch her. The men are rounding back. You hold her gaze and shift your eyes back to them. She catches on.

“Perfect! It’s so hard to have a good interview here, don’t you think?”

“Absolutely. Why don’t you come by my hotel?” You whip out your spare key card. “I’d love to get your story for the mag, maybe do a full feature.”

“A feature would be excellent exposure!”

“Wouldn’t it?” Carl slides up next to her. “We can get you all the exposure you could want Ms. Natalie.”

“Charlie was telling me all about it.” She flashes him a coy smile. “Thank you so much Charlie! I forgot I have a late fitting tonight for another show so I’ve got to run. But we’ll chat soon yeah?”

“Absolutely! It was so good to meet you Natalie.”

“Same! Bye!” She hurries through the crowded room and disappears.

“Busy girl.” Carl quips. “Whiskey?” You look down at the glass by your hand.

“Some guy sent them over,” you gesture to Natasha’s lipstick stained glass. “Seemed rude to refuse. Can’t stand the stuff though.”

“That’s a mans drink,” Carl laughs at his own perceived joke and you force a smile.

Somehow you make it through the rest of the evening. You’d refused to allow yourself to hope that she’d be here, too obvious to come the same night, better to wait. Kicking off your shoes you head straight to the mini bar and crack open a whiskey, downing it in one gulp.

“You really need to be more careful,” Natasha’s voice comes from the bathroom. “I mean not even checking around. Sloppy.”

“Charlie Daniels doesn’t have to check for Russian assassins in her bathroom,” a smile pulls your face so tight it hurts.

“Well, Natalie Rushman isn’t a Russian spy. So…”

You let your real accent resurface as you pull her into your arms, “Natalie Rushman, I don’t know if that’s clever or lazy.” She kisses you hard, tongue sliding over your lips hands gripping your ass.

“Mmm,” she hums. “Kinda like the accent.”

“Oh?” You revert to the clipped posh Londoner sound. “Would you rather be with Charlie? I hate to break it to you, she’s strictly into dick so you may need to get a bit creative.”

Natasha’s head falls back with laughter, “I’m always into a challenge but,” she cups your face in her hands, “I’d much rather Y/N, she’s got a cute accent too.” Your kiss is soft this time, “I missed you.”

“I missed you too, honey.” Gently you push a strand of hair out of her face. “Is this smart? Are you gonna get-”

“I’m good. I wouldn’t be here if I thought there was risk.” She pulls away and tugs you toward the bed. “There’s no surveillance on me here, I check in every week, that’s it. This is strictly to build a cover.”

“Cover for what?” She gives you a sideways glance. “Right. National security.”

“Do you really want to talk about work?”

Smirking at her you push her back on the bed. “Maybe later.”

You lean down to her but she stops you by planting a strappy heel in the center of your chest. Trailing your fingers down her leg you snag a knife from her thigh holster. Carefully you slide the blade under the straps, the incredibly sharp edge cuts through the thin suede like it’s nothing.

“Those were very expensive you know,” eyes sparkling with desire.

You slip the shoe off and toss it aside. “I’ll buy you a new pair.” Your lips press against her ankle.  

Everything in your life until her was so fleeting. Even your own name, the sound of your own voice, who you were… But with her, you were grounded. You weren’t anything but her’s, you were Y/N.

Suddenly you’re overwhelmed. Caressing her muscular calf you just stare at her eyes. Emerald green, dark liner, lids heavy with lust and exhaustion.

“Natasha…” Your voice cracks and you fight for composure.

“Y/N? What is it?” She shoots up, cradling your face in her hands.

You shake your head, unable to really find the words and unwilling to send this storm of emotions to her. “I just…” You cover her hands with your own. It’s not that you don’t want her, you do. But…

“Can we just… I just wanna hold you…” Her expression immediately softens, eyes sparkling a touch with tears. “Sorry… I… I just…”

“I’d love that, baby.” Tenderly her lips brush yours, then your cheeks, your forehead, your eyelids as they flutter closed.

You shed your clothes and crawl into the plush bed. Holding tight to one another you spend hours drifting in and out of sleep, covering the other with soft kisses. Before the sun rises your hands wander southward.

This time you don’t fuck one another senseless. It feels like you’re trying to memorize every curve, every sound, every subtle thing that marks being together. You both know you many not get to do this for some time. The knowledge aches but it doesn’t make having her any less sweet.

Post Snap

You lean your head back on the wall behind the booth. The crying man from last night is gone, you find yourself hoping that he’s resting peacefully somewhere… even though you know it’s pointless to hope for such things.

There are more people filling the bar than there was before. The TVs are off, radios turned up, reporters frantically trying to determine what happened. It was global, that was clear. All planes grounded, trains stopped, communications spotty due to damaged cell towers.

A man speaks frantically to someone who seems to be a friend that he was heading to Nuremberg from Budapest, how the roads are almost not navigable. He doesn’t know if his family is even still there but he has to find out.

Despite his distress, your lips curl a bit at the mention of Budapest.

[missmarquin]

Magnetic, Ch. 1

In the future, romantic attraction is literal: each person is fitted with an electromagnetic bracelet which will pull you to your soulmate. It's hard, wondering who's out there for you. It's harder yet, when you have to come to understand yourself first.

Read on A03, for best quality (Including proper italics and such!)

Domain

‘A magnetic domain is a region within magnetic material in which the magnetization is uniform in one direction.’

Eighteen was a big year for many, but turning twenty is what people truly waited for.

Otabek had never really given it much thought, he supposed. Amita might not have been his initial choice of who he’d want to spend his life with forever, but she had since grown on him-- not unlike a fungus. She was sharp and quick-witted, and he had to admit that his parents had made a good choice. Really, they had. He and Amita just worked together, their relationship didn’t require much effort.

So the ceremonious receiving of the Destiny Bracelet wasn’t so ceremonious for him. He didn’t want to fuck up something that was good for him.

“It’s such a stupid fucking name,” Yuri said through the phone screen. Amita rolled her eyes, as she held the phone out, and Otabek smirked back at the video feed. “ Destiny Bracelet . What is this, some shitty fucking rom-com?”

“Hey now,” Amita pouted, leaning around so Yuri could see her through the screen. “ Some people like shitty rom-coms.”

“I guess you’re allowed to,” Yuri said with a genuine smile. “You’re special though.”

Really, Otabek’s luck couldn’t be better. Yuri was the most important person in the world to him, at the end of things, and he fucking lovedAmita. They were practically partners-in-crime themselves.

“What’s the point anyhow?” Yuri continued griping. “ It’s not like you aren’t getting married regardless. You and Amita are stupidly in love.”

Otabek and Amita shared an amused glance, and he said, “Why not? It’s not like it’s going to hurt me, you know? Besides, Mom is curious.” Not his mom, just Mom, the woman who had seen Yuri once before instantly adopting him as her own. Much to the boy’s aggravation.

Yuri snorted, rolling his eyes. Otabek wasn’t sure that he was stupidly in love with Amita, but he was happy and honestly, that was more than he could ask for. There was a mild fear that the bracelet would want to pull him somewhere else, but many people ignored it anyway. The journey of finding that soulmate wasn’t worth it to some.

Otabek was okay with that. He wasn’t the kind for grand romantic gestures or sweeping adventures. It was less work to stay in his tidy little bubble, and it suited him.

“Are we all ready in here?” A voice piped from the doorway. Everyone turned to meet a middle-aged man, the proctor in charge of attaching and turning on the gizmo. Otabek nodded and he whisked into the room, settling into the rolling stool beside the bed.

“I was I could be there for this,” Yuri muttered. “I wish I could see the annoyance on your face, the moment that bracelet beeps.”

Such a Yuri thing to say and do, to take pleasure in the vexation of others.

“Someone has rehearsal to be at, you know,” Amita chided. “Someone scored a spot in the Bolshoi Ballet Company, so that someone needs to stay put and not burn bridges before they are even built.”

Yuri sighed and Otabek hid a smile behind a carefully placed cough. Yuri wouldn’t listen to him, but he would always listen to her, begrudging as it was.

“Hold out your arm now,” the proctor interrupted cheerfully. Otabek did as he was told and the man fitted a length of cool metal around his wrist. It wasn’t his first time seeing one and it wouldn’t be his last, but he was always surprised by how boring it looked. Just a simple chain of lightweight links, fitted with neat and elegant looking square. The way it worked was a carefully guarded secret, but it worked and that’s all people cared about.

The point of the Destiny Bracelet was to make people happy, not make money and so, the world-wide program had been adopted free of charge. Yuri had always said it was stupid, because it could have made billions. He wasn’t wrong.

“As you probably already know, there’s nothing really needed to know about it’s use,” the proctor said. “It’s waterproof and practically indestructible, so you don’t need to worry about that. It can easily be removed if so wished, and once put back on, instantly kicks into gear again. No fancy buttons or doohickies,” he finished with a laugh. “You ready?”

Otabek shrugged and the man took a thin little tool, about the size of a paperclip, and shoved it into the pin-sized hole on the square. The bracelet beeped, indicating that it was scanning.

The room waited with bated breath, but nothing seemed to happen.

“Beks?” Amita said gently, curiosity full on her face. “Anything?”

“Uh,” Otabek started, lifting his wrist slightly. “No? I don’t think?”

The proctor didn’t seem fazed though, asking, “No tingling sensations? No feeling of being tugged a certain direction?”

“No,” Otabek confirmed. “Nothing.”

“Well, that’s not unusual,” the man said. “It only comes to life if your partner’s bracelet is active. Give it some time and it will start to work, I promise.” He folded his hands into his lap neatly. “Any other questions?”

“Yeah,” Yuri said from the video call, “Who’s placing bets on when that fucking happens?”

Otabek shot Yuri a glare, but Amita burst into laughter. The proctor smiled, before standing and handing Otabek a flyer. “This should give you more in depth information, but don’t hesitate to call, okay?”

Otabek nodded and thanked him, before standing himself.

“Three months till your woman gets hers,” Yuri drawled, “Ten thousand rubles that hers lights up like a damn Christmas Tree in your direction.”

The thought of Amita’s bracelet reacting to his own was a nice thought, but a one-in-a-million chance. Otabek remained hesitant about it, not wanting to get his hopes up.

“We don’t use rubles,” Amita tittered, her lips pulled into a sarcastic smirk. “What’s that about in tenge, Otabek?”

“About fifty-six thousand,” he deadpanned, and half Yuri’s monthly salary. Amita pressed her finger to her chin in thought.

“I’ll accept the bet and raise it, Yuri,” she finally said, a gleam in her eye. “One hundred thousand tenge that his bracelet doesn’t do jack shit when mine is activated.” Amita came from old money and didn’t bat an eye at the outrageous amount.

Otabek started slightly at that, but Yuri was already accepting the challenge before he could process that she had bet against them.

“You’re on, you hag,” Yuri snapped. “It’s pretty fucked up to bet against your own romance though.”

“Plenty of people don’t go searching for their soulmate, Yuri,” she said with a shrug. “Many people already love someone else and stick with them. Otabek and I are no different.”

It wasn’t that he didn’t believe Amita when she said it, but the both of them weren’t the kind to throw around something like lovelightheartedly. When they walked out of the building though, Amita’s hand reached out to find his, squeezing gently as they told Yuri goodbye.

It’s enough to believe that this might actually work.

It wasn’t.

Otabek didn’t know what was wrong with him when he finally came to that conclusion.

The more and more he thought about the silent bracelet on his wrist, the more he realized that he would be okay with it staying that way for the rest of his life. And that he would be a-okay with Amita wandering off and finding her own destined one.

Because honestly, the woman deserved it. She deserved more than a half-hearted romance with a man who just liked her. Like wasn’t the same as love. Otabek understood that now.

“Relationships are fucking useless,” Yuri groaned over the video call.

“I take it that the date didn’t go well then,” Otabek mused.

“It was great, until he tried to eat my face off like some sort of rabid dog. ” Yuri paused to make a disgusted sound. “You know, that was the first time I’ve kissed a dude and honestly I feel sorry for women. Men are disgusting.”

Otabek wasn’t sure what surprised him more-- that Yuri’s first kiss had apparently been with a woman, or that he had admitted that men were gross. “You told me he was gross before you went on the date,” he pointed out.

“Personality wise yes,” Yuri replied, “but Beka, have you seen his fucking calves?”

“Yes,” Otabek said. Yuri had shown him tons of pictures of the company, all the while complaining about every single member.

Yuri rolled his eyes. “You know, ignore that, it’s not like you’d ever fucking agree.”

It came out harsher than he meant, and Otabek mused at the irony of his statement. Otabek wouldn’t consider himself gay, but Yuri never failed to get under his skin when the time accounted for it. That moment wasn’t an exception, with his low-scooping neckline and hair falling around his face like spun gold.

Otabek promptly reminded himself that what he had with Amita was good enough, and not worth risking the only fucking friendship he had.

“So,” Yuri drawled and Otabek’s attention snapped back to him. “Less than a week until Amita get’s her little bracelet.”

Otabek smirked. “Regretting your bet yet?”

“Absolutely the fuck not. Everyone knows you two are disgustingly perfect. You’re almost as bad as the Piggy and Old Man.”

Otabek seriously doubted that, but laughed all the same.

“Are you worried?” Yuri asked.

“Not really,” Otabek said with a shrug.

“What if it’s not you?”

Otabek hesitated, but then said, “Not a problem. Like Amita said, many people stay with those they aren’t meant for. It’s not a bad thing.”

Yuri was quiet for a moment, regarding him carefully through the screen. Finally, he said, “You aren’t the type to do things half-way, Beka.”

It wasn’t a critique, it was the honest truth, and for once he didn’t know how to reply. But as soon as introspective Yuri had shown his face, he was gone, throwing out a dirty joke that he had heard from one of the pit musicians.  

After a long time of tossing jokes around and swapping stories, their call comes to its end. Yuri was clearly tired, eyelids drooping as he tucked into the hoodie that he stole from Otabek years ago.

Yuri had said his goodnight, about to end the call, when Otabek said something else.

“Would it make me a terrible person if I wanted her bracelet to point to someone else?” It wasn’t a planned question, or something he would have ever asked Yuri. His friend blinked slowly, his hand hovering over the keyboard of his laptop. “I wonder,” Otabek continued, “if I’m a horrible person because I might want to pull away.”

“Of course it doesn’t,” Yuri finally said. “It makes you normal. Everyone questions their relationships. Sometimes people are constantly questioning them.” He paused and considered something else. “You’re lucky though, I think. Amita seems the kind of woman tough enough to handle rejection in the end. She’d slap a smile on her face and thank you.”

Yuri wasn’t wrong, and despite his heavy-handed worries, Otabek managed another smile before they ended the call for the night.

Otabek couldn’t dedicate time to be there, when Amita’s bracelet was activated. She came from old money, and despite working, she worked for her parents. They showered her with all the vacation and time off she could have ever wanted.

It wasn’t like Otabek’s family weren’t well of either-- that’s how they had met-- but he didn’t like to dip his hand into the cookie jar so to speak. He worked hard for his coin, and as a result had less leeway.

So that night, he had been in his garage, fixing up a vintage bike for a collector. It was dirty work, leaving him smeared with grease, but he loved it. The feel of the tools in his hand, the way that the engine whined when finely tuned to perfection.

Really, it was all could have ever asked for.

“I take it that it’s been a good day for you, Beks,” Amita said, stepping into his space quietly.

He swiped at his forehead and turned to smile at her, but she seemed distant and subdued. Slowly he dropped his hand, as he regarded her.

Amita fidgeted, she never fidgeted, and Otabek couldn’t help the crease that stretched across his forehead as he moved to speak. But she held her hand out and paused. And he saw the bracelet there, blinking gently in the dim light.

His didn’t blink at all, because it had no call.

She saw his gaze and moved her hand self-consciously, tucking her hair behind an ear. “It’s not strong,” she said, “the pull. Whoever it is isn’t close by. I’m not surprised though.”

“I-- I’m not either,” Otabek replied, but the words didn’t sound bitter. Nor was there dread in the pit of his stomach. If he had to be honest, he felt relieved.

Amita leaned against his workbench. “I know what we told Yuri, but--”

“But it’s not right,” Otabek finished, knowing that’s where she was going with this. He stood, wiping his dirtied hands on a spare rag in his pocket. He moved to lean next to her and she smiled sadly.

“It’s stupid, right? I mean, I want to marry you.”

“I would like that too,” Otabek said truthfully.

“But it isn’t… it’s not right,” she repeated. “I can’t really describe it any other way.” She sighed softly. “I couldn’t deny whoever your soulmate is, you, Otabek.”

He snorted at that. “I think it’s safe to say I’m doomed to be alone, Amita,” he replied lightheartedly. And that was probably the truth. Most bracelets activated within several months, and the longer it took, the less likely it ever would. He was past the point of holding his breath.

She turned to look at him, her eyes flashing. “Why on earth would you think that?”

Otabek rubbed at his neck nervously. “I don’t know, I’m just not the kind of person who does people, you know? I’ve been thinking more and more about it lately, and I think that the single lifestyle would suit me.”

Amita regarded him quietly, tapping her finger against her chin like she always did when she thought. “I think the problem Beks,” she finally said, “is that you just haven’t found your person yet. I would love to be them, but… it’s not fair.”

“Yeah, it’s not fair to you--”

“ To you,” she interrupted. Otabek blinked at her words, her conviction. “You deserve happiness as much as anyone else,” she said firmly.

Otabek breathed an uneasy sigh, rubbing at his neck again. “I’m not holding my breath, you know,” he finally said.

At that, she laughed. “I wouldn’t expect you too. Above all Otabek, you are practical.”

He managed a smile at that. “What will you do, then? Go after him?” He took her hand gently, pulling it closer to see the bracelet. All it did was blink, signaling that it was on.

“I don’t know,” she said quietly. “I’m not sure my parents would be happy. They love you.”

“They love you more,” he pointed out.

She hummed at that, before reaching up and cupping his chin in her hand. “I’ll always love you,” she said quietly. “Despite what this bracelet says, or yours, I’ll always love you. I’m just not the one meant for you, I think.” She leaned forward and pressed a kiss against his brow sweetly. “Who knows? Maybe they’re closer than you think?” She smirked widely as she pulled back and let him go.

Otabek could think of one person that he wouldn’t mind, but those odds were heavily stacked against him. And he wasn’t the kind to dream.

Still, when she left him behind in his shop, his heart didn’t feel heavy. He thanked Amita for her unwavering friendship, knowing that he’d have it forever.

The first year after the break up had been weird.

Amita had decided to go West in the end, following the tug of her bracelet. Otabek had seen her off personally, hugging her tightly at the airport. They parted well, with light hearts and encouraging words. Otabek knew that they had made the right decision, no matter how disappointed their parents had been.

In turn, being alone had given him time to think.

The single life wasn’t so bad, he thought. Amita’s words about how he hadn’t found his someone yet floated around here and there, but he had chosen to mostly ignore them. It was easier worrying about himself, and devoting the time to come to understanding who he was.

Yuri told him that he was stupid, but didn’t press the issue.

The second year was better. The second year, Otabek discovered himself, exploring his freedom. He finally used that vacation time and savings, and hit the open roads on his bike. Not too far though gone, because he never missed his nightly calls with Yuri.

Yuri threw himself into ballet, constantly tired and bruised. And when he wasn’t punishing his body with grueling training regimes, he threw himself into shitty date after shitty date. No one seemed to stick, not that Otabek was surprised. Yuri was as prickly as a summer cactus, and his personality wasn’t much better. Not everyone could handle the abrasive man.

“A huge part of me doesn’t want to get the stupid bracelet, Beka,” Yuri complained one night during their call. His twentieth birthday was looming over them and in a few weeks, he’d know.

“You don’t have to get the bracelet, you know,” Otabek said, leaning back against his headboard. It was a late night and both of them were settling for bed.

Yuri sighed, sitting on his tony mattress with crossed legs. That night he wore baggy sweatpants and a wide-necked black shirt that showed off his collarbones--

Otabek distracted himself by taking a sip from the water cup on his side table.

“I thought about it, actually,” Yuri said. “But then you know, I also keep dating assholes, so clearly my method isn’t working out.”

Otabek raised an eyebrow at that. “Don’t date assholes then,” he chided, smiling.

Yuri rolled his eyes, before falling back against the bed. “How do you do it?” he asked. “How do you just… do your own thing?”

Otabek thought before he answered. “It’s taken time and a lot of thought,” he finally said. “And of course, Amita pushed me, I guess.”

“A cross-country trip to discover yourself doesn’t hurt either,” Yuri teased, and when Otabek looked back at him through the screen, he saw the smirk across his lips. Otabek smiled right back.

“I’ve thought about taking it off,” Otabek continued with, flicking at the metal on his wrist. Nearly three years later and it was still dead as a door nail. Frankly, Otabek had lost interest in waiting. “My soulmate doesn’t define me, you know?”

Yuri hummed quietly. “Don’t,” he finally said. “I mean, at least wait until it turns on, yeah?”

“It probably won’t, Yura,” Otabek sighed. “Studies show that most activate within the first year. I’m probably the rare case of never activates at all . And honestly, I’m cool with it.”

“Well I’m not,” Yuri scoffed. “You can’t tell me that someone doesn’t get Otabek Altin as a fucking soulmate, I won’t take it. You’re too cool to go it alone.”

“You literally said that you admire that about me.”

“That doesn’t mean I don’t think you’re deserving.”

Otabek ran a hand through his hair gently. “You aren’t like me, Yura,” he finally said. “Even though you don’t like people, you crave their attention. You’d never be okay on your own.”

“I wouldn’t be alone though,” Yuri replied quietly. “I’ll always have you, you know.”

Otabek did know, and he smiled. “It’s taken me a long time to get to where I am, but I’m good now. Give yourself a chance too, okay?”

“Yeah, yeah,” he grumbled. There was a short pause, and then, “Do yourself a favor Beka. Don’t you take yours off either, okay?”

Otabek’s lips quirked into a smile. “Okay.”

“It’s a promise?”

“Always, Yura.”

Despite all of Otabek’s annoyance for his own bracelet, he was excited for Yuri.

He watched through the screen as Yuri sat on the exam table, twitching with apprehension. The phone must have been propped up against something.  “It’s stupid,” he snapped. “I should be at rehearsal, I should be running through forms, hell I’d rather be doing fucking squats.”

Otabek smiled at that. “It’s not the end of the world, Yura,” he said amused. “A few years ago, you were excited .”

“Yeah, until I realized what a drag dating is, and how disgusting men are.” He paused then, his face twisting into horror. “Beka, what if my soulmate is a woman? My life would be over!”

“It could be worse, you know,” he joked. “It could not work at all.” He raised his own wrist in response.

Yuri scowled at him, about to retort when the proctor came in. When requested to, Yuri stuck his arm out, the smooth skin pale against his dark shirt. Otabek watched as the man slipped the chain around his wrist, snapping it closed. And then the tool came out.

Yuri looked hesitant, but his eyes were bright as the man activated the bracelet.

But then they both fell quiet, watching. And then there was a little beep and Yuri’s bracelet blinked. He regarded it with an odd look.

“You know, I wish Amita were watching. I bet her smug ass would have enjoyed this.”

Before Otabek could retort though, there was another beep, this time not through the phone call. He froze and looked down, right as his bracelet flared to life.

[thedeadflag]

1 When thinking of the word daddy I've always thought of a women? if i ever thought of a man as a daddy ive never sexualized it or ?? but i can now see the daddy kink and its effect. Ive read the g!p fic analysis and i didnt know a lot about the stuff ive read. The clexa fandom is the first fandom ive been in and its where ive first seen anything about g!p or about a/b/o? or even the word dubcon. Dont know if im naive or just didnt think about looking more into it and what it all really means.

(2/5) and not going to lie here i have read a few g!p and the a/b/o stories and ive read another post where you also have a lot of questions how in these fics writers "g!p fics get our bodies wrong" (not sure what how to title the post) and reading through it theyre many questions that are sometimes to never mentioned in them and it just sounds more or a interesting read if stories did mentioned those things and were written well and right about trans/intersex women?

(3/5) i dont know where i went with all this but it was a well interesting read that i dont not understand all of it just yet but will continue to reread and look more into it :)

(4/5) lastly i didnt mean to disrecpect you if i did it was unintentionally. sorry. i saw a post where somewhere around the lines you said it hurts to write clexa because of how horribly written lexa is as a trans/intersex women or in g!p fics and all and fetished and pain. i was deeply hurt by it all when she died and knowing this side in fics it adds to the hurt and how some people dont talk about it more or writers not listening due to wanting popularity

(5/5) wanted to add that even in ouat there was the same issues? in fics so it looks like and now in clexa fics involving all this. even though its been more then an year since lexas death lots of people were hurt in many different ways so many things happened after some for the better and some things thats are still arent talked about and not only effects this fandom but others. sorry just have many thoughts on it that slowly ill become more aware of. dont need to answer this just needed to say more

Like, I know the whole “She calls me daddy too” meme floats around wlw fandom and all, but that sort of thing literally did start in hetero fandom. I’ll definitely take your word that that’s what you think when you see/read/hear it, but 99+% of the time, that’s not going to be the case, and it’s not going to chance that ‘daddy’ is an explicitly primarily male-coded word. it will always be associated with maleness before anything. When cis women have it applied to them, that primary meaning gets to fall away temporarily because their womanhood, their validity, cannot be questioned. By design of cissexism, it cannot be questioned without undermining the sex and gender binaries and the power cis people wield. 

So cis women get access to the term temporarily, in a non-serious non-threatening manner. But it’s still one of the most male-coded words, it’s infused with maleness, and attributing to a trans woman is the exact same as calling her a man, a male person, because we don’t have cis privilege.

As for if you’re naive, honestly, there’s always a variety of reasons why folks don’t know this stuff, why they don’t pick up on this stuff. Whether it’s age, or lack of prior education, lack of exposure to trans women, naivete, etc., most people are unaware. So don’t feel guilty on that front. Everyone has to learn sometime...when the opportunity rolls around doesn’t matter so much as what folks do with the opportunity. A lot of people choose not to think too hard about it, not to concern themselves. It’s a good thing to learn, and it’s good that you’re thinking about it now.

Yeah, the big jot-note list of questions points out the flaws in the g!p/abo stories. Like, it’d be nice if authors actually did write more representative stuff...it wouldn’t actually be difficult, and it’d make for better, more engaging stories, and it’d help fandom be less exclusionary and hostile for us. There’s such a wealth of possibilities when writing trans woman characters, or intersex women, but all so many writers and readers care about are these fetishistic fantasies that get them off. There’s a considerable lack of care and concern about us as real, complex human beings. 

And there’s no disrespect. I can see Clexa stuff on tumblr, see fanart of Clarke and Lexa, it doesn’t usually bother me unless it’s fetishistic stuff (but i’ve blocked the artists of those so they don’t show up on my dash). Sometimes if I think only about Lexa, yeah, things can get soured, but so long as it’s canon material or art that looks canon-aligned, I’m generally good. Sad, given what JRoth and the show’s writers did, but I can handle sadness a lot better than dysphoria.

My issue is that I need to essentially get into the heads of my characters when i write, and whenever I try to get into Lexa’s, I can’t help but think about all the stories and depictions of her that are transmisogynistic and hurtful and fetishistic. I can’t block those memories and thoughts out when I’m trying to mentally collect everything I know about her as a character to decide how she’d behave or react in character in my stories, what she’d say, what she’d do, etc. There’s such a drastic split in who’s been used as a vehicle for trans fetishization that it’s essentially left barely any harmful material on Clarke’s end, which is why it’s so easy for me to write Clanya. So I can’t write Lexa as a character, because the process disgusts and upsets me, and I can’t watch the show because it makes me sad, and I can’t engage in fandoma and other people’s fanworks all that much because so many people are unsafe. So her character’s just altogether been tainted for me.

And it sucks, because like you said, so many people rushed to fandom as a balm to their pain from the loss of Lexa and the betrayal from the show. And it just hurt that so many could do that, knowing how it felt to be hurt and betrayed by writers that created cheap harmful content instead of good representative content, only to turn around and create mountains of cheap harmful content that sent trans women out of the fandom in droves, without much of anywhere to go, no big social network to bond together with and help each other with the pain and loss. All those people who would loudly yell “Support your sisters, not just your Cis-ters”, and then push us out of fandom without a care in the world to the hurt they caused us.

Yeah, these tropes have been around a while. A/B/O is relatively newish, having cropped up in the past decade, but it’s just a big mash-up of common tropes like g!p, mpreg, werewolf, bestiality, dubcon, sex pollen, BDSM, etc. So they’ve definitely been in and around OUAT across its tenure, I did a minor survey on that fandom’s use of g!p and its own magical variant, magic!cock. it’s been in Glee. In X-Files. In Xena. Lower volume, but there are g!p works out there in just about everything. Easy to ignore if they’re rare, outliers. 

In recent years, though, with greater exposure to trans women in media, there’s been a boom in mainstream trans-women porn. And, mirroring that growth in that male-driven market, there’s been a big boom in g!p fiction. It used to be small and largely avoidable, and now it’s everywhere and growing in popularity still. The 100 is just a fandom where it’s been the most saturated in femslash. There were more g!p works in Glee’s fandom, but Glee’s femslash fanfiction count dwarfs Clexa and other femslash fanfiction in The 100 fandom.

But the big boom of popularity in The 100 wasn’t just self-contained. All the ones who took to the trope, those who felt compelled to write about it, they’re carrying that desire to the new fandoms they’re in. WLW fandom does migrate, it’s a big running joke, so when we migrate, these patterns continue.

And while, yeah, a lot’s happened, and not a lot of people like to talk about what’s wrong in fandom, most folks try to avoid conflict. But stuff like this is important. It needs to be talked about, because people need to be aware, they need to learn, they need to see what’s happened/happening because of trans fetishization. Most don’t want to, but they need to know. They need to think about this and understand.

Anywho, it’s cool. I’m half asleep and rambling, and just happy to know that of the 14 messages that found there way into my inbox last night, a few of them were positive and good stuff. I like when people learn, when they want to learn. it’s a good, healthy thing. I’m glad I managed to help you understand the situation better. Feel free to hit me up again if you have any questions in the future :) I hope you have a good day!

[onceawasteland]

NATASHA, PIERRE AND THE GREAT COMET OF 1812 (August 11th 2017, and August 12th 2017) there are spoilers to come but i felt you would all appreciate my take on the show for I have greatly appreciated everyone else's reviews. THIS STORY IS THE BEST THING TO EVER HAPPEN TO ME AND I CANNOT BELIEVE THAT IT IS CLOSING. the above are pictures from my two respective seats and at the stage door Act One * the walls are covered in portraits from the 1800s, some of which are landscapes of operas) * i danced (badly) on a broadway stage * to get to the on stage seating you enter through lucas' door * while waiting for the show to start old russian music is playing. they also played some french music bc they were francophiles YAY FOR HISTORY * a lady behind me said "omg look at how they did the staging... i guess its pretty clear that theres not a lot of dancing in this show. and i about died laughing * during prologue Cathryn squeaked on the clarinet as she ran down the stairs and my best friend is a clarinet player so this made her RIDICULOUSLY happy * OAK LOOKED RIGHT AT ME DURING MY FAVORITE PART OF PIERRE WHICH IS MY FAVORITE SONG (You empty and stupid, contented fellows. satisfied with your place, im different from you im different from you. i stilll want to do something) * during pierre, pierre sings the part, "and how many men before good russian men, believing in goodness and truth" right to Anatole (who is in the main spot light) and a bunch of other dudes including Dolokohv * Anatole is wasted pretty much the whole show but he this is when you first notice it and lucas was sitting on the stairs right next to me and he kind of drunkenly slipped before he ran to the other side of the stage and i was like 😍😍 * Deneé was on our side of the stage pretty much the whole show and she looked me straight in the eyes about 15 times * during the very beginning of no one else when the music just starts to play Deneé walks with very youthful steps and it just emphasizes her innocence and lack of awareness and just EVERYTHING ABOUT THIS PLAY IS MAGIC * no one else is the most beautiful thing i have ever seen (well kind of if you dont count the great comet of 1812) The independent lightbulbs which are hanging from the ceiling all kind of drop so it kind of looks like Natasha is floating among the stars * when deneé sang "we were angles once dont you remember" the second night i was there the guy she was singing to on stage right said yes and you could hear it in her mike 😂 * also during no one else, when Deneé sings "this winter sky" she is standing on the top tier of stairs and she flings her arms out gesturing to the sky and the blue light of the moon is the only real light on her and it is quite simply breathtaking * andrei shows up 3-4 times during act one and its super sad every time. the first one (i think, from my vantage point) was during no one else when Natasha is squeezing her knees. Andrei is holding her letters in his hand and then he puts them in his coat pocket right next to his heart and i want to die. * at the beginning of the opera when Dolokohv is introduced he is so ridiculously arrogant and its adorable. Dolokohv in general is pretty fucking adorable. He points at the mezzanine and smirks and its beautiful * at the opera when Natasha says "a little sad a little stout" pierre is in the parlor which is right between natasha and Marya, and Helene and he makes this face like "wtf dude we should be bros" and he is playing the accordion and he pulls it in a way that the note declines and its just this hilarious moment * during the opera andrei shows up covered in blood right after Natasha sees Anatole is staring at her and its so depressing and also NICHOLAS BELTON OMG * Andrei also shows up during Natasha and Anatole (ok my heart 💔) * pierre is reading in his study through almost the entire show * So i heard this before and i didnt believe it bc you cant tell from just the music but the way that lucas plays Anatole is just so complex i love it. During, Natasha and Anatole he is a. really surprised at the amount that he isnt being rebuffed. and b. he has all these nervous tics before he enters the box all the way and makes his presence known and it just adds so much to the character because while yes he is the bad guy he isnt evil he is just unaware of everyone else. * he also tries to convince himself that he isnt doing anything wrong during "we are speaking of the most ordinary things" he wasnt trying to convince her HE WAS TRYING TO CONVINCE HIMSELF * and then RIGHT WHEN SHE SAYS "yet I feel closer to you thank Ive ever felt with any other man" he just looks so happy and surprised * Right before Anatole goes to talk to Pierre during the duel he does this mind blown motion after watching natasha exit and its so fucking cute * DOLOKOHV'S "DRINK DRINK"s AT THE BEGINNING OF THE DUEL HAPPENED AS HE RAN UP THE STAIRS RIGHT NEXT TO ME AND I DIED BC HOLY FUCK NICK CHOKSI * I know you all already know this but the strobe lights are the most badass thing i have ever seen in my life. i straight up thought i was going to die they are SO intense. and during the ohohohohohs at the beginning lucas and nick did this hoping dance and i was like 😍 and its so cool bc of the strobe lights and I WILL NEVER GET OVER THE STROBE LIGHTS HOLY FUCK * the second night i saw it, i cant remember who it was but, someone literally almost kicked me in the face from the stage section right in front of me * during the line "then i feel a pleasant warmth in my body" LUCAS DOES A BODY ROLE AND IT IS SO RIDICULOUSLY HOT I CANNOT EVEN DESCRIBE IT * OK OAK! this is the moment i was like FUCK ME GENTLY WITH A CHAINSAW THIS BOY IS A GIFT FROM HEAVEN. When Dolokohv is singing "heres to the health of married women" he is talking directly into pierre's face trying to bro out, and oak's face just falls completely and im like I NEED TO GIVE YOU A HUG DONT BE SAD. then, THENNNNN Dolokohv actually goes and makes out with helene two feet away from him and the hurt on oaks face was so raw i just 😭 * during the duel it is super obvious that Helene actually cares about Pierre because when she see that he hit Dolokohv shes more worried about the retribution than she is about dolokohv and i just want to die bc these characters are so fucking complex and BEAUTIFULLLLL * Dust and Ashes IS THE MOST BEAUTIFUL SONG AND OAK SINGS IT SO WELL AND I DIDNT KNOW THAT THE SONGS COULD GET BETTER BUT HE DID AND I WANT TO DIE * Dust and Ashes is my best friends favorite song and Oak looked directly at her during her favorite line too and its like he fucking knew we were sitting there * during sunday morning Sonya is trying to imitate Marya by sitting exactly like her and that is so great * Charming is gay. that is all there is to say really, just GAYYYYY * and Natasha imitates Helene at the end of Charming which again shows her innocence (SCREAMING) * she then makes the most adorable "well if you say so face" during "but still she talks so frankly. so it must be alright" and she kind of shrugs and AGHHHH * at the beginning if the ball Anatole, again, has all sorts of nervous energy and hes pacing and bouncing on the balls of his feet shaking his hands. and it just adds so much depth. * the ball was really distracting the first night bc two people (cant say who they were bc they are in huge ass masks) were dancing like 6 inches away from me and kept breathing in my ear. I am not complaining. * Lucas turns around with his hands up in a surrender pose like "i didnt do anything what are you saying" when natasha says "your hurting my hand" which i love. then he runs up and just grabs her bodily, turns her to him and smashes his lips on to hers. they stay like that for like 4 seconds and then natasha throws herself on top of him, essentially, and he kind of spins them around and its really kind of romantic (i am not a shipper of the two, except that i maybe kind of am after seeing how they interact with eachother) * Natasha kind of freaks out after the kiss but she is convinced that there is nothing else for her now but anatole and its like GIRLLLLL * Lucas and Deneé leave the stage arm and arm through the big door at the back with the same white lights that Anatole entered with. ACT 2 VERY FIRST THING THAT HAPPENED IN ACT TWO. LUCAS STEELE STARED INTO MY EYES FOR A SOLID 6 SECONDS AND SMIRKED AT ME AN I DIED AND MY FACE PROBABLY LOOKED SO DUMB BUT I DONT CARE BECAUSE AGHH In Letters when pierre says IT IS NAPOLEON the portrait of napoleon on the wall lit up and i cried andrei was there during all of letters and it was so depressing BECAUSE YOU KNOW WHATS COMING AND AGH. right before sonya and natasha sonya and anatole glare at eachother as lucas exists and then sonya runs to grab the letter from natasha's hand. DENEÉ'S SASS DURING THE LINE "I do not grasp the question" is fucking epic. she roles her eyes and its perfection during Sonya alone Igrid Michaelson was literally three feet away. and the lights didnt light up behind denee and i was like ohhh someone messed up. Dolokohv was trying insanely hard to convince anatole not to go through with the abduction and his turmole was very evident. at one point denee walk across the stage and he looked between her and anatole, ran his hand through his hair and then just gives in and follows. Anatole is v annoyed with Dolokohv during preparations. while dolokohv is speaking he is mouthing along like "shut up bro you dont know wtf youre saying" its very funny balaga: there are no words just so much happened paul pinto is a beast i dont even know how he does it. ok on night two i tried write down things from balaga Heath whipped me in the face with his hair as he was head banging on the stage in front of me. marya plays the drums at the top of the stage #GRACEMcLEANISAGODDESS andrei is present through most of act two. he is playing the triangle in pierre's study during balaga OAK DOES THE MOST ADORABLE LAUGH AFTER HIS "WooooOOOOOOAHHH" in abduction. he makes me want to die Lucas' "WAAAAAAIIIT first we have to sit down" is hilarious because the amount of time that he just sits there in silence flirting with this random lady on stage is ridiculous. he messes with his hair and puts his arm around her while we (i) all just sit there staring at him with doppy smiles on our (my) faces. on night two he sat next to a guy on the stage and i really thought he was going to flirt with him as well but alas dolokohv's fur cloak bit is very funny and the cloak is purple which is not what i imagined. again i will say that he is adorable anatole makes out with the fur cloak girl before going to get natasha. boi Grace McLean's in my house is not just angry she is also devastated that natasha is to be ruined. her face is contorted with pain in almost every line. and she is pleading with natasha to listen to her. her vocals are just so insane just OMG the blocking during in my house was also insanely cool. sonya, natasha, and Marya are standing in a a triangle the whole time (denee was RIGHT in front of me for the majority of the time) and they would switch which point of the triangle they were at and the rotation was very neat. I REALIZED LATER THAT THIS IS A PARALLEL TO MOSCOW BECAUSE THEY ARE STANDING IN A TRIANGLE THEN TOO AND OMG THIS SHOW DOES LITERALLY EVERYTHING RIGHT in call to pierre, oaks first what, when pinto gives him the letter is like "wtf is going on here im nobody whats going on" and despite being very depressing is also kind of funny. the whats then progressively get less funny and more depressing and i HATE THAT THIS HAPPENS TO MY CHILDREN NICHOLAS BELTON WAS RIGHT NEXT TO ME ON THE SECOND NIGHT DURING CALL TO PIERRE AND HE KIND OF RUNS AND HIDES BEHIND A POST IN THE BACK OF THE THEATER AS PIERRE LEARSN WHAT HAPPENED TO NATASHA. pierre went to find anatole in the club all of the ensemble were surrounding the walls of the theater and it felt like we were actually in the club which was insane after "NATASH, NATASHA. IT IS ESSENTIAL THAT I SEE NATASHA" Anatole throws his head down into helene's lap and i read somewhere that "they downplayed the incest" BUT I CALL BULL SHIT I DIDNT SAY THIS EARLIER BUT DURING THE DUEL AT THE LINE "Imma make love to her" AMBER IS GRINDING ON LUCAS SO I CALL BULL FUCKING SHIT anatole is also really distraught. its super weird bc with just the music to go off of you think anatole is just this jackass that wants nothing but to feel good and fuck everyone else... BUT LUCAS OMG lucas makes him sympathetic. he seems to really love natasha and when pierre is yelling at him he takes it to heart and freaks the hell out and just my love (i mean still a dick but) pierre and anatole is so fucking intense. and the ending if it when anatole is being a whiny baby IT IS SO GREAT BC ITS SO CLEAR HE IS THROWING A TEMPER TANTRUM which emphasizes his age and lack of understanding as well WHICH IS JUST SO FUCKING GREAT. Anatole's exit is almost an exact reflection of his entrance. with the lights flaring as he walks out the door everyone talks about this but when natasha poisons herself shes right between anatole and pierre and its so depressing and just my heart pierre and andrei is so fucking sad. first off in the book (which is all about redemption, ill get to that) Andrei gets the BEST most beautiful redemption arc, and ive always been kind if sad that they took that out. everyone else gets at least the possibility of redemption and they just straight up removed every possibility of andrei finding forgiveness. but whatever this is the song that made me start crying, i didnt stop until i was standing at the stage door both nights. ITS JUST SO FUCKING SAD AND I DONT EVER WANT TO FORGET NICHOLAS BELTON STANDING ON THE STAGE "smiling like his father" AS HE COMES TO TERMS WITH THIS BETRAYAL. OAK! OAKKKKKK. I did not know that pierre could get better i thought we had reached maximum amazing but HOLY SHIT. first off the whole time he was hilarious. at the beginning of the Duel when he said opera he satirized the word and drew it out kind of long which was hilarious. and other little moments while he was in his parlor. BRILLIANT. and then AND THEN DURING PIERRE AND NATASHA. i have no words the whole thing was heart breaking. I started crying during Pierre and Andrei and I didnt stop until the end, at the stage door, but holy fuck. after he says his line (you all know the one) i could SEE this singular tear fall from his face and god damn if that wasnt the most heart wrenching thing i have ever seen. he was full on sobbing on stage and i could not handle it. During Pierre and Natasha, Helene, Marya, and Dolokohv were sitting in the audience sections and Helene was crying, dolokohv was strumming his guitar and looking very depressed and Marya just sat there shaking her head. Im not sure if other people were around too but those were the three i could see. during great comet everything is just so beautiful. oaks acting and gestures made everything 100102948391x better but the lighting was INSANE. the comet was beautiful the stars were beautiful, oak was beautiful. one of the MOST stunning plays I have EVER seen in so many ways. a person is not supposed to cry 6 times during a show... it requires magic and this show had it in bucket loads. STAGE DOOR DAY ONE: I MISSED GRACE MCLEAN BC I WAS DISTRACTED AND I WILL NEVER FORGIVE MYSELF AGHWHSHF Lucas must be on voice rest bc he wasnt saying anything but HE WAS SO CUTE AND IM DYING BC HE TOUCHED ME. (also i became like ridiculously starstruck and forgot that i wanted to tell him how much his acting adds to the lyrics and the character and how he is so much more sympathetic because he genuinely loves natasha and just doesn't demonstrate that in a good way, i will also. ever forgive myself for that) there was a little girl next to me at the stage door and the actresses were all being so encouraging to her. they were like "if you want to be an actress DO IT, I was right where you were once and now im here. you have it in you, just dont ever give up." and i wanted to cry bc OH JESUS THEY ARE SUCH GOOD PEOPLE. Paul Pinto is THE MOST™. i absolutely love it even after the show he had SO much energy. i was like 😮 how. Nick Choksi is adorable and wears so much eyeliner and he also talked to the little girl next to me about how excited he would be to see her name up on a marquee one day and i cried. I have no idea what I said to him bc again i was starstruck. My best friend died a little bc she loves him and i think it was honestly one of the best moments of her life. Amber, Oak, and Denee didnt come out (sobs) but APPARENTLY Renee Elise Goldsberry was there to congratulate Oak and support him and i was to cry again. OK DAY TWO STAGE DOOR: * this was a scary night for me * i got into a fight with a man because he was being exceptionally rude to the actors and i called him out on it and he started screaming at me and then he started pushing this other lady right when Shoba was signing in front of us and she looked so scared and i feel so fucking bad * also his daughter was obviously a huge fan of the show and was so excited to see the cast and when he got kicked out she was sobbing and i will maybe never forgive myself for ruining this girls night on broadway but someone needed to say something. he was straight up making fun of the cast as they were three feet away from him and the final straw for me was when he said "some one needs to go in there and grab that blond bitch by the hair and drag her out here. if no one else will ill do it" and so i turned around and said "excuse me sir would you mind turning down the vulgarity. it's incredibly disrespectful" and he said some of the meanest things i have ever heard from another person (called me a bitch, told me i would always be alone, tried to intimidate me by saying he was three times my age... i was just like that says more about you than it does about me man) any way the security guy (idk his name but i love him) got him to leave and then once he was gone i started crying bc everyone around me was patting me on the back trying to make me feel better and that makes me cry apparently. * SO THEN ANGLE MAN MCSECURITY came over and tried to cheer me up as did many other people which really only made it worse but everyone was being so kind and trying to distract me and finally i said "FUCK IT I CANT BE CRYING WHEN LUCAS STEELE COMES OUT" and everyone laughed and i started to stop crying. OK SO WHEN LUCAS CAME OUT AND GOT TO ME ANGLE SECURITY MAN SAID "lucas just so you know this girl has had a really hard time just now. a man was being very confrontational with her in the crowd, (wait for it) can she have a hug" and lucas stared into my eyes (LMAO I AM NATASHA) and said (his voice was so raspy and he was definitely not supposed to be speaking) "im so sorry but if i hug you i have to hug everyone, im so sorry that you had an altercation. here i can do this" AND HE STARTED RUBBING MY HAND IN CIRCLES AND I ABOUT DIED and i said "its ok i totally understand, you are actually fantastic (AND I LOVE YOU, actually no i didnt say that) can i have a picture?" and he said yes (its so bad) and then went down the line more BUT HOLY FUCK * and THEN i asked the totally innocuous question to angle security man, out if curiosity not wanting to do it myself, "not to sound presumptuous or anything but how is it that people grt to go back stage at things like this?" and he said friends or family and i said ok, makes sense i was just curious. THEN HE CAME BACK 3 MINUTES LATER AND SAID "i just wanted to let you know i tried to get you back stage, my friend Summaya is in the cast would have taken you but she already left. i hope thats ok." and i just kind of stared at him bc I WASNT ASKING TO GO BACK MYSELF IT WAS A FOR FUTURE REFERENCE THING and i said "no no of course i totally understand dont worry about it" * GUESS WHAT ELSE HAPPEND BRITTAN ASHFORD WAS THERE AND WHEN SHE CAME OUT i started pointing and talking incoherently and he said, "do you want Brittan's autograph?" and i just kind of nodded and he BROUGHT HER OVER TO ME * Nicholas Belton didnt come out the stage door but he apparently was meeting up with Cathryn and a bunch of the other cast after the show bc i saw him as i was walking to my uber and i just kind if stalked him a little bit bc OMG and i love that they all go out together after the show * Anthony Ramos and Jasmine Cephas Jones were at the show to see Oak and they went in the stage door and Jasmine waved right to me after she saw me waving at her. they showed up separately and i was like OMG ARE THEY OK I HOPE THEYRE OK... but its all good * and Alex Gibbson told me that he was proud of me for having read War and Peace because his copy was collecting dust in the attic somewhere and i laughed * and BRAD GIOVANINE REMEMVERD ME at the sage door he said "hey! you were here last night werent you?" and i said "YEAH!" and he said "yes, i thought i recognized you in the audience! thank you so much for coming back" and i said "I wouldnt have missed it, thank you for telling this story" and that was a definite highlight OK SO THE REASON THAT THIS SHOW IS MAGIC: so the main message of war and peace is that people are good, and redemption, for even the most base of people, is not only possible it is probable because when you break it down we are all imbued with humanity which can triumph when/if we let it. the show doesnt necessarily show that redemptive possibility because it is the part of the story where literally everyone is at their worst. BUT the acting and intention behind the blocking and the small things show that even the very worst of characters (cough anatole, cough helene, cough dolokohv), that we really shouldnt sympathize with based on their actions, are portrayed in such a way that it is IMPOSSIBLE to not see them as, at their root, good. it is impossible to not see their humanity. their weaknesses are on full display, but those weaknesses are merely weakness. they are not evil, they are a result of circumstance and upbringing. not to mention the characters we are supposed to love... they are so easy to forgive its ridiculous in conclusion: Natasha, Pierre, and The Great Comet of 1812 is the bets musical i have ever seen. I love the cast with all of my heart because of their talent and kindness, I will NEVER forget the magic that was tonight. i CANNOT believe that this show is closing. I will never see anything like it ever again and its a travesty. I hope one day there is a revival that is this good... i have hope 🙏🏻.

[disableddisaster]

ALL

1.Who was the last person you held hands with?

****

3. Who are you looking forward to seeing?

****4. Are you easy to get along with?

sadie says yes

5. If you were drunk would the person you like take care of you?

probably

6. What kind of people are you attracted to?

women

7. Do you think you’ll be in a relationship two months from now?

well see which way the gay winds blow

8. Who from the opposite gender is on your mind?

erase nb identities COOL !!!!!!!!!!!!! 

9. Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable?

not rly !!!

10. Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with?

river says me bitch

11. What does the most recent text that you sent say?

“GAY!!!!!!!!!!!!” to @gaysun

12. What are your 5 favorite songs right now?

paramores entire new album killed me 

13. Do you like it when people play with your hair?

i dont have hair

14. Do you believe in luck and miracles?

no

15. What good thing happened this summer?

summer just started!!!!!!

16. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?

......... Yes

17. Do you think there is life on other planets?

YES

18. Do you still talk to your first crush?

NO gross

19. Do you like bubble baths?

yes!

20. Do you like your neighbors?

i dont know them theyre hermits and theyre old

21. What are you bad habits?

i pick at my skin!!!!!!!!!!!!!

22. Where would you like to travel?

i wanna go back to NYC.............

23. Do you have trust issues?

i thimk so

24. Favorite part of your daily routine?

what routine lmfao

25. What part of your body are you most uncomfortable with?

my *******

26. What do you do when you wake up?

shower

27. Do you wish your skin was lighter or darker?

this question is DUMB lmao

28. Who are you most comfortable around?

my best friend!!!!

29. Have any of your ex’s told you they regret breaking up?

nope

30. Do you ever want to get married?

eventually

31. If your hair long enough for a pony tail?

i have a buzzcut

32. Which celebrities would you have a threesome with?

dude idk

33. Spell your name with your chin.

sdnbhgm,a

34. Do you play sports? What sports?

N o never in my life

35. Would you rather live without TV or music?

TV 

36. Have you ever liked someone and never told them?

oh boy YEA

37. What do you say during awkward silences?

nothing.... its silent...............

38. Describe your dream girl/guy?

she...... is an angel

39. What are your favorite stores to shop in?

the thrift store..?

40. What do you want to do after high school?

high school is already done and im not rly doin gwhat i want lol

41. Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance?

NO LOL

42. If your being extremely quiet what does it mean?

that im dead, because i never shut the fuck up

43. Do you smile at strangers?

ITS RUDE NOT TO

44. Trip to outer space or bottom of the ocean?

SPACE

45. What makes you get out of bed in the morning?

my cat

46. What are you paranoid about?

beetles in my bed

47. Have you ever been high?

yes it sucked

48. Have you ever been drunk?

yes its fun

49. Have you done anything recently that you hope nobody finds out about?

yes lol

50. What was the colour of the last hoodie you wore?

i dont rly like hoodies

51. Ever wished you were someone else?

conceptually?

52. One thing you wish you could change about yourself?

i wish my fibro would go away

53. Favourite makeup brand?

i dont rly wear makeup

54. Favourite store?

the grocery store

55. Favourite blog?

@gaybellaswan

56. Favourite colour?

YELLLOW!!!!!!

57. Favourite food?

coffee  

58. Last thing you ate?

salad

59. First thing you ate this morning?

crispy chicken wrap from tim hortons!!!

60. Ever won a competition? For what?

ive won almost every limbo competition ive ever participated in

61. Been suspended/expelled? For what?

nope

62. Been arrested? For what?

nope

63. Ever been in love? 

idk

64. Tell us the story of your first kiss?

it was on my bed in 2014

65. Are you hungry right now?

no

66. Do you like your tumblr friends more than your real friends?

that makes no SENSE

67. Facebook or Twitter?

facebook but its still awful

68. Twitter or Tumblr?

tumblr

69. Are you watching tv right now?

no

70. Names of your bestfriends? 

jenna, sab, emily, river, sadie :-)

71. Craving something? What?

coffee

72. What colour are your towels?

every colour

72. How many pillows do you sleep with?

a giant bear, a carrot, a giant whale, and two pillows

73. Do you sleep with stuffed animals?

a giant bear, a carrot, a cow, and a giant whale

74. How many stuffed animals do you think you have?

i have no idea

75. Favourite animal?

CAT CATCATC

76. What colour is your underwear?

its grey

77. Chocolate or Vanilla?

vanilla

78. Favourite ice cream flavour?

chocolate chip cookie dough

79. What colour shirt are you wearing?

grey

80. What colour pants?

black

81. Favourite tv show?

the office

82. Favourite movie?

princess bride

83. Mean Girls or Mean Girls 2?

ive never seen either

84. Mean Girls or 21 Jump Street?

21 jump street cuz i actually saw that one

85. Favourite character from Mean Girls?

dude idk

86. Favourite character from Finding Nemo?

the LIL SQYUID

87. First person you talked to today?

****

88. Last person you talked to today?

im talkin to sadie rn

89. Name a person you hate?

shay.

90. Name a person you love?

JENNA!!!!!

91. Is there anyone you want to punch in the face right now?

cole

92. In a fight with someone?

no

93. How many sweatpants do you have?

one pair 

94. How many sweaters/hoodies do you have?

a fuck ton

95. Last movie you watched?

i dont remember it had selena gomez in it tho

96. Favourite actress?

kristen stewart

97. Favourite actor?

men suck

98. Do you tan a lot?

I HHAVE A SUNBURN

99. Have any pets?

4 CATS!

100. How are you feeling?

yelly\

101. Do you type fast?

YES

102. Do you regret anything from your past?

everyone regrets somethimg

103. Can you spell well?

not really 

104. Do you miss anyone from your past?

not really

105. Ever been to a bonfire party?

one time i went to a bonfire party and got so drunk i lost my shoes

106. Ever broken someone’s heart?

idk probably

107. Have you ever been on a horse?

yes!!

108. What should you be doing?

noothing

109. Is something irritating you right now?

gfufu

110. Have you ever liked someone so much it hurt?

no

111. Do you have trust issues?

yeah

112. Who was the last person you cried in front of?

****

113. What was your childhood nickname?

shy

114. Have you ever been out of your province/state?

yes!!!

115. Do you play the Wii?

its 2017

116. Are you listening to music right now?

sia!!!

117. Do you like chicken noodle soup?

only tge real stuff the stuff in those packets is garbage

118. Do you like Chinese food?

doesnt everyone

119. Favourite book?

idk harry potter or somethimg

120. Are you afraid of the dark?

no

121. Are you mean?

i dont think so but mean lesbian is my brand so i guess

122. Is cheating ever okay?

NO the fuck

123. Can you keep white shoes clean?

i dont own white shoes for that reason

124. Do you believe in love at first sight?

not really??

125. Do you believe in true love?

maybe!!!

126. Are you currently bored?

im answering 150 fyckin questions what do u think

127. What makes you happy?

cats!!!!!!

128. Would you change your name?

literally to Shy

129. What your zodiac sign?

libra

130. Do you like subway?

like the restaurant? yeah

131. Your bestfriend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do?

i am not friends with a single man

132. Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with?

still river

133. Favourite lyrics right now?

idk man

134. Can you count to one million?

theoretically

135. Dumbest lie you ever told?

idk i cant think of any

136. Do you sleep with your doors open or closed?

open so the cats can get in!

137. How tall are you?

4′11

138. Curly or Straight hair?

i have straight hair but curly hair is so pretty

139. Brunette or Blonde?

brunettes 

140. Summer or Winter?

SUMMER

141. Night or Day?

night time

142. Favourite month?

may

143. Are you a vegetarian?

as much as i can be, but im broke and ill eat food

144. Dark, milk or white chocolate?

dark!!!!!!!!!!!!

145. Tea or Coffee?

COFFEE

146. Was today a good day?

i think so!!

147. Mars or Snickers?

neither tbh

148. What’s your favourite quote?

‘im gay’ - me

149. Do you believe in ghosts?

i dont know!!!

150. Get the closest book next to you, open it to page 42, what’s the first line

there is not a book anywhere near me tbh   

[thelifetimechannel]

[samanthasroberts]

The making of a hangover: the true impact of one night out

Six reporters in city centres across the country report on one night of British drinking and its impact on the National Health Service

The calm before the storm

8.20pm, Cardiff

Police officers at Cardiff Central police station listen to the Cardiff After Dark briefing before heading out into the city. Photograph: Gareth Phillips for the Guardian

Were at the Cardiff ATC alcohol treatment centre; a collaboration between Cardiff and Vale University health board, local councils, South Wales police, the Welsh ambulance service and Cardiff Street Pastors. Right now, the police are preparing for the evening with a Cardiff After Dark meeting in the Welsh capitals main police station.

Sgt Gavin Howard briefs his team on what theyre doing tonight, with a slideshow with some interesting facts and figures. Last month, there were 145 people treated at the ATC, which is designed to ease pressure on hospital A&E staff by treating people with minor injuries and people suffering from too much drink.

Howard reminds officers to look out for revellers who pre-load drink heavily and cheaply at home before heading into the city centre. Pre-loading is seen as a particular problem for the emergency services the kids call it prinking pre-drinking. Steve Morris

9.09pm, Southampton

Consultant Dr Diana Hulbert, working in University hospital, Southampton, in the accident and emergency. Photograph: Antonio Olmos for the Guardian

Emergency consultant Diana Hulbert, who is in charge tonight, explains that not all alcohol-related attendances happen after a night on the town. A classic one is people waking up the next day and finding their wrist turned the wrong way, says Hulbert. So people are just as likely to present on the morning after.

She doesnt judge people who turn up in the department because of alcohol-related injuries or accidents, but says over the past 20 years she had noticed changes that are concerning.

People drink differently. Spirits is more a young persons drink and they can make people profoundly drunk very quickly. A beer is two units and you cant drink that many, maybe 10 pints. But if youre drinking shots, you can down five in five minutes. Thats what young people do. Lisa OCarroll

Keeping people out of A&E

Across the country, teams of people tour the streets treating relatively minor injuries suffered by people out on the town. In Manchester, they are called the Street Angels; Cardiff and other cities have their Street Pastors and, in Leicester, they are the Polamb.

Members of the Manchester Street Angels call a young womans father in order to help her get home. Photograph: Gary Calton for the Guardian

9.15pm, Leicester

On some nights the Polamb police-ambulance alcohol treatment vehicle in Leicester is a hub for treating people with alcohol-related injuries, attending up to 15 incidents in a night. It gets to the point that some of the local people recognise the Polamb and the paramedics who drive it. Jane Squire, East Midlands ambulance service paramedic, says one man she used to see regularly in the streets, a heavy drinker who would often call the ambulance for help, called her his green angel, for the dark green of the ambulance service uniform.

Sometimes theyll come up have a conversation with you and say: Ive cut my finger, can I have a plaster? says Squire. Other times theyll come up and say: Ive hurt my hand, can you take me to hospital? and Ill say: It says ambulance, not taxi.

Emergency services in Leicester city centre. Photograph: Kate Lyons for the Guardian

But the first call-out the Polamb has received now that the policeman for the evening, Const Joe Couchman, is on board is more serious treating a man in his 40s who suffered a cardiac arrest on the street. This isnt a typical call-out for the Polamb, not being alcohol-related, though it is believed the man was a heavy drinker, but they go where the need arises. Kate Lyons

11.13pm, Edinburgh

Tony Clapham (left) with his team of Edinburgh Street Pastors out on the streets. Photograph: Murdo Macleod for the Guardian

At Greenside parish church on Royal Terrace, in the centre of Edinburgh, the citys Street Pastors are preparing for the night with tea, home baking and a rousing hymn or two.

Street Pastors is an initiative of the Ascension Trust and was pioneered in London in 2013. It is now active in 270 towns and cities across the UK.

Street Pastors are volunteers from local churches who patrol in teams of men and women, usually from 10pm to 4am on a Friday and Saturday night, to care for, listen to and help people who out on the streets, whether celebrating on a hen night or homeless.

Two teams are going out tonight, one to the Grassmarket and another to George Street, with backpacks containing flasks of hot drinks and biscuits.

As team leader Tony Clapham explains, some of these volunteers have been working on the night time streets and have built up strong relationships with homeless people, as well as police and paramedics and other concerned with health and safety of the night time economy. Libby Brooks

Midnight, Stoke

Senior sister Nicola Beckett tries to wake a man who has come into A&E with suspected alcohol abuse issues at Royal Stoke University hospital in Stoke-on-Trent. Photograph: Alicia Canter for the Guardian

One man, a regular alcohol abuser, has run off from hospital, and senior sister Nicola Beckett has to send police to find him, because he is now deemed a vulnerable adult as he has not had full medical checkups.

The hospital now has so many regular attendees they have a special group for them all, which flags up if someone has been in more than three times a month. Sometimes Beckett sees someone twice a day.

Paramedic Tracy Proud (2nd left, purple hair) along with paramedic colleagues care for an unconscious man who is admitted to A&E with suspected alcohol abuse issues at Royal Stoke University hospital in Stoke-on-Trent. Photograph: Alicia Canter for the Guardian

You do get friendly with them, they are as nice to you as you are to them. You do see them decline, the physical decline. You admit them to rehab but you just know youll see them again. Its an addiction, an illness. So many, you are discharging them and they say: Ive got no home to go to. You sometimes do get a sense they are here for a hot meal and a bed and a kind face.

Beckett has seen some terrifying moments too. I dont want to make it too dramatic. But yes, I have feared for my life. You are trained in conflict management, self-defence. But if someone is drunk and aggressive, I cant handle that myself.

Elsewhere, she reported, patients were queuing on beds in the corridor at the ambulance triage. Paramedic Tracy Proud was liaising with A&E staff to speed up the transfer of people.

Paramedic Tracy Proud. Photograph: Alicia Canter for the Guardian

Its ridiculous, she said, looking over her shoulder at the queue of beds behind her. One patient has a can of Skol under the trolley.

I think if you went through most of the patients, 85% shouldnt be here. People have a different view about what an emergency is. If Im called to look after a teenager or young person who is drunk, I call their parents straight away. Parents dont realise it, but its not our job to just be watching a drunk person who has passed out.

Agitated patients have lashed out in the back of moving ambulance. I had one patient who I thought was asleep and he came to, and he turned on me. I had to jump out the side door of the van. Jessica Elgot

A nurse attends to a young female student from Keele University who has been taken to A&E with suspected alochol abuse issues and is treated in resus at Royal Stoke University hospital in Stoke-on-Trent Photograph: Alicia Canter for the Guardian

12.17am, Manchester

Josh Halliday speaks with chief Angel, Rachel Goddard.

12.58am, Southampton

Nurse Katherine Chipande working in A&E at University hospital, Southampton. Photograph: Antonio Olmos for the Guardian

A night out in Southampton has turned into a night in A&E for one young woman who has just been admitted with a head injury. She had been at a party and fell and hit her head. There was alcohol and drugs, said nurse Catherine Chipande.

There are about 20 other patients in the majors area with two sleeping off the alcohol and a third about to be assessed.

Trouble 1.17am, Liverpool

Two Mikes, 23 and 32, a Carl, 18 and a Tom, 23, are sitting in a pub in the small hours. None has ever ended up in A&E, though Toms ended up in the drunk and disorderly, you know, the police. He got tangled up in the theft of a plastic ornament and jostled a plain clothes police officer leaping from a Vauxhall Corsa, five years ago. This is my time, he says triumphantly, to get my story out. If Id known he were a copper, things would have gone very differently. I was at my aunties 40th.

Mike the younger said: Things happen when youre drunk. I hit my cousin in the face on my 20th birthday.

The bottom line, said Mike the older, is that if youre trouble, trouble will find you. Yes, said the younger Mike resoundingly. My cousin went to Krazy House … Is that with a C or a K? How can you ask that? (they all shake their heads). And the next thing you know, hes had his nose broken. Is this the same cousin you punched in the face? I gave him a black eye. Someone else broke his nose. Theres levels. I know this, I studied law at A level.

The older Mike takes control. This is a beautiful place. This isnt a degenerate place. Independent bars, independent clubs, independent eateries. The transformation of Liverpool, the systemic regeneration of every part of this city, is almost beyond compare. I love this city and the people of this city. Zoe Williams

The view from the professionals

1.26am, Southampton

All has been calm in the assessment area in Southampton until now when a very aggressive drunk man is admitted with a cut to his face, swearing at anyone in sight. He is being held down by two policemen. We are advised not to go near him. Fuck off, he shouts to a female ambulance crew member accompanying him.

The man is refusing to cooperate as he is placed in a bay next to an elderly lady, beaming with a grateful smile towards the two nurses attending to her.

It takes a while for experienced staff to calm down the 29-year-old. Then its all sweetness and light, with a friendly hello for staff as he is wheeled in to majors for further assessment.

Sometimes its like that but sometimes they dont calm down at all and they get carried out in handcuffs. If it gets too bad and they have been assessed and they are not too bad they are just taken away by police, said receptionist Sarah Jones. Lisa OCarroll

1.46am, Manchester

Outside Deansgate Locks, a popular party spot with several bars and clubs, its not quite kicking out time but were already seeing a couple of early casualties. A drunk girl has fallen and cut her knee badly. Shes crying on the phone to her parents while being treated by the Street Angels. Another job saved from paramedics. Josh Halliday

1.51am, Stoke

Dr Ben Arnold in A&E at Royal Stoke University hospital in Stoke-on-Trent. Photograph: Alicia Canter for the Guardian

Dr Ben Arnold, a senior house office in emergency medicine, loves a Friday night in the minor injuries section.

I like drunk people when they are not so unwell, you can joke with them. Their friends have brought them in because theyre worried about them, but from a medical point of view, theyre healthy, you can have a chat. Theres a common theme which colours the excuses made by revellers as they come round in A&E.

They say their drink has been spiked, their friends say: They always drink this much, it must be something in the drink. But it obviously is because they have had more than usual or havent eaten enough.

Its younger ones, 18-year-olds, who are more honest about it. They do get very embarrassed especially if they have had a loss of continence. And they have to go home in a hospital gown.

Sometimes, its not just the patients causing Arnold all the bother. Its friends and relatives who might be a bit drunk. They get bored, they dress up in the gloves and gowns, mucking about and you have to go and remind them that a hospital is a serious place. Jessica Elgot

1.55am, Cardiff

A nurse helps a very drunk teenager at the ATC in Bridge Street, Cardiff. Photograph: Gareth Phillips for the Guardian

An 18-year-old student is found lying alone, clearly drunk, on the pavement close to the university. There were a series of sexual assaults on women in this area last year so passersby are worried and dial 999.

She has not been assaulted but has simply drunk too much at a house party. An ambulance crew arrives and takes her to the alcohol treatment centre ATC. She is sick on the way and sick several times at the ATC.

At the ATC she is assessed and given water. Ceri Martin, a sister, and Charlotte Pritchard, a healthcare support worker tend to her. She is joined by a friend at the ATC and they sit together, slumped in a corner, waiting for her to recover.

Shell be here for two or three hours while she gets herself together, said Martin. Well get her to drink water, observe her and keep her warm. Then well make sure she gets home safely.

Im just glad that theres a place like this for young women like that. Shes in a safe place and were helping keep pressure off A&E.

A street pastor radios in to say she is bringing someone in to the ATC. So it begins, says Pritchard. It still could be a long night/morning here.

But its not always a thankless task, as this note at the ATC indicates:

steven morris (@stevenmorris20) January 23, 2016

A grateful patient cared for at the alcohol treatment centre in Cardiff. pic.twitter.com/CiLLATTFIV

2am, Manchester

Josh Halliday talks to Street Angel volunteer Paul Jones

2.01am, Southampton

Suspected drunk male brought into the assessment area of A&E in University hospital, Southampton. Photograph: Antonio Olmos for the Guardian

Two more alcohol admissions in Southampton in the space of 10 minutes, one so inebriated he is semi-conscious.

The worry here is that the alcohol might mask a head injury, says nurse Sam Carter. So we do a set of neuro obs [observations] and lactate assessment to see if he is dehydrated. We might also resort to pain stimuli, squeeze his trapezium really hard to check his responses, she adds. Ouch. Lisa OCarroll

2.10am, Stoke

Back in Stoke, there are 99 patients in A&E at 2am, which is an achievement for the staff, the first time numbers have dropped below 100 since 4.30pm yesterday. Patients are being discharged, or waiting to be admitted to other departments as beds there become available. Though some staff are beginning to end their shifts, many others are here until the morning. More than 100 people have come through the doors already since midnight; some who have overindulged tonight are on trollies in the corridor making emotional phone calls. There is more work to do before the night is over for A&E staff five more ambulances are on their way. Jessica Elgot

Source: http://allofbeer.com/the-making-of-a-hangover-the-true-impact-of-one-night-out/

from All of Beer https://allofbeer.wordpress.com/2018/01/02/the-making-of-a-hangover-the-true-impact-of-one-night-out/

[adambstingus]

The making of a hangover: the true impact of one night out

Six reporters in city centres across the country report on one night of British drinking and its impact on the National Health Service

The calm before the storm

8.20pm, Cardiff

Police officers at Cardiff Central police station listen to the Cardiff After Dark briefing before heading out into the city. Photograph: Gareth Phillips for the Guardian

Were at the Cardiff ATC alcohol treatment centre; a collaboration between Cardiff and Vale University health board, local councils, South Wales police, the Welsh ambulance service and Cardiff Street Pastors. Right now, the police are preparing for the evening with a Cardiff After Dark meeting in the Welsh capitals main police station.

Sgt Gavin Howard briefs his team on what theyre doing tonight, with a slideshow with some interesting facts and figures. Last month, there were 145 people treated at the ATC, which is designed to ease pressure on hospital A&E staff by treating people with minor injuries and people suffering from too much drink.

Howard reminds officers to look out for revellers who pre-load drink heavily and cheaply at home before heading into the city centre. Pre-loading is seen as a particular problem for the emergency services the kids call it prinking pre-drinking. Steve Morris

9.09pm, Southampton

Consultant Dr Diana Hulbert, working in University hospital, Southampton, in the accident and emergency. Photograph: Antonio Olmos for the Guardian

Emergency consultant Diana Hulbert, who is in charge tonight, explains that not all alcohol-related attendances happen after a night on the town. A classic one is people waking up the next day and finding their wrist turned the wrong way, says Hulbert. So people are just as likely to present on the morning after.

She doesnt judge people who turn up in the department because of alcohol-related injuries or accidents, but says over the past 20 years she had noticed changes that are concerning.

People drink differently. Spirits is more a young persons drink and they can make people profoundly drunk very quickly. A beer is two units and you cant drink that many, maybe 10 pints. But if youre drinking shots, you can down five in five minutes. Thats what young people do. Lisa OCarroll

Keeping people out of A&E

Across the country, teams of people tour the streets treating relatively minor injuries suffered by people out on the town. In Manchester, they are called the Street Angels; Cardiff and other cities have their Street Pastors and, in Leicester, they are the Polamb.

Members of the Manchester Street Angels call a young womans father in order to help her get home. Photograph: Gary Calton for the Guardian

9.15pm, Leicester

On some nights the Polamb police-ambulance alcohol treatment vehicle in Leicester is a hub for treating people with alcohol-related injuries, attending up to 15 incidents in a night. It gets to the point that some of the local people recognise the Polamb and the paramedics who drive it. Jane Squire, East Midlands ambulance service paramedic, says one man she used to see regularly in the streets, a heavy drinker who would often call the ambulance for help, called her his green angel, for the dark green of the ambulance service uniform.

Sometimes theyll come up have a conversation with you and say: Ive cut my finger, can I have a plaster? says Squire. Other times theyll come up and say: Ive hurt my hand, can you take me to hospital? and Ill say: It says ambulance, not taxi.

Emergency services in Leicester city centre. Photograph: Kate Lyons for the Guardian

But the first call-out the Polamb has received now that the policeman for the evening, Const Joe Couchman, is on board is more serious treating a man in his 40s who suffered a cardiac arrest on the street. This isnt a typical call-out for the Polamb, not being alcohol-related, though it is believed the man was a heavy drinker, but they go where the need arises. Kate Lyons

11.13pm, Edinburgh

Tony Clapham (left) with his team of Edinburgh Street Pastors out on the streets. Photograph: Murdo Macleod for the Guardian

At Greenside parish church on Royal Terrace, in the centre of Edinburgh, the citys Street Pastors are preparing for the night with tea, home baking and a rousing hymn or two.

Street Pastors is an initiative of the Ascension Trust and was pioneered in London in 2013. It is now active in 270 towns and cities across the UK.

Street Pastors are volunteers from local churches who patrol in teams of men and women, usually from 10pm to 4am on a Friday and Saturday night, to care for, listen to and help people who out on the streets, whether celebrating on a hen night or homeless.

Two teams are going out tonight, one to the Grassmarket and another to George Street, with backpacks containing flasks of hot drinks and biscuits.

As team leader Tony Clapham explains, some of these volunteers have been working on the night time streets and have built up strong relationships with homeless people, as well as police and paramedics and other concerned with health and safety of the night time economy. Libby Brooks

Midnight, Stoke

Senior sister Nicola Beckett tries to wake a man who has come into A&E with suspected alcohol abuse issues at Royal Stoke University hospital in Stoke-on-Trent. Photograph: Alicia Canter for the Guardian

One man, a regular alcohol abuser, has run off from hospital, and senior sister Nicola Beckett has to send police to find him, because he is now deemed a vulnerable adult as he has not had full medical checkups.

The hospital now has so many regular attendees they have a special group for them all, which flags up if someone has been in more than three times a month. Sometimes Beckett sees someone twice a day.

Paramedic Tracy Proud (2nd left, purple hair) along with paramedic colleagues care for an unconscious man who is admitted to A&E with suspected alcohol abuse issues at Royal Stoke University hospital in Stoke-on-Trent. Photograph: Alicia Canter for the Guardian

You do get friendly with them, they are as nice to you as you are to them. You do see them decline, the physical decline. You admit them to rehab but you just know youll see them again. Its an addiction, an illness. So many, you are discharging them and they say: Ive got no home to go to. You sometimes do get a sense they are here for a hot meal and a bed and a kind face.

Beckett has seen some terrifying moments too. I dont want to make it too dramatic. But yes, I have feared for my life. You are trained in conflict management, self-defence. But if someone is drunk and aggressive, I cant handle that myself.

Elsewhere, she reported, patients were queuing on beds in the corridor at the ambulance triage. Paramedic Tracy Proud was liaising with A&E staff to speed up the transfer of people.

Paramedic Tracy Proud. Photograph: Alicia Canter for the Guardian

Its ridiculous, she said, looking over her shoulder at the queue of beds behind her. One patient has a can of Skol under the trolley.

I think if you went through most of the patients, 85% shouldnt be here. People have a different view about what an emergency is. If Im called to look after a teenager or young person who is drunk, I call their parents straight away. Parents dont realise it, but its not our job to just be watching a drunk person who has passed out.

Agitated patients have lashed out in the back of moving ambulance. I had one patient who I thought was asleep and he came to, and he turned on me. I had to jump out the side door of the van. Jessica Elgot

A nurse attends to a young female student from Keele University who has been taken to A&E with suspected alochol abuse issues and is treated in resus at Royal Stoke University hospital in Stoke-on-Trent Photograph: Alicia Canter for the Guardian

12.17am, Manchester

Josh Halliday speaks with chief Angel, Rachel Goddard.

12.58am, Southampton

Nurse Katherine Chipande working in A&E at University hospital, Southampton. Photograph: Antonio Olmos for the Guardian

A night out in Southampton has turned into a night in A&E for one young woman who has just been admitted with a head injury. She had been at a party and fell and hit her head. There was alcohol and drugs, said nurse Catherine Chipande.

There are about 20 other patients in the majors area with two sleeping off the alcohol and a third about to be assessed.

Trouble 1.17am, Liverpool

Two Mikes, 23 and 32, a Carl, 18 and a Tom, 23, are sitting in a pub in the small hours. None has ever ended up in A&E, though Toms ended up in the drunk and disorderly, you know, the police. He got tangled up in the theft of a plastic ornament and jostled a plain clothes police officer leaping from a Vauxhall Corsa, five years ago. This is my time, he says triumphantly, to get my story out. If Id known he were a copper, things would have gone very differently. I was at my aunties 40th.

Mike the younger said: Things happen when youre drunk. I hit my cousin in the face on my 20th birthday.

The bottom line, said Mike the older, is that if youre trouble, trouble will find you. Yes, said the younger Mike resoundingly. My cousin went to Krazy House … Is that with a C or a K? How can you ask that? (they all shake their heads). And the next thing you know, hes had his nose broken. Is this the same cousin you punched in the face? I gave him a black eye. Someone else broke his nose. Theres levels. I know this, I studied law at A level.

The older Mike takes control. This is a beautiful place. This isnt a degenerate place. Independent bars, independent clubs, independent eateries. The transformation of Liverpool, the systemic regeneration of every part of this city, is almost beyond compare. I love this city and the people of this city. Zoe Williams

The view from the professionals

1.26am, Southampton

All has been calm in the assessment area in Southampton until now when a very aggressive drunk man is admitted with a cut to his face, swearing at anyone in sight. He is being held down by two policemen. We are advised not to go near him. Fuck off, he shouts to a female ambulance crew member accompanying him.

The man is refusing to cooperate as he is placed in a bay next to an elderly lady, beaming with a grateful smile towards the two nurses attending to her.

It takes a while for experienced staff to calm down the 29-year-old. Then its all sweetness and light, with a friendly hello for staff as he is wheeled in to majors for further assessment.

Sometimes its like that but sometimes they dont calm down at all and they get carried out in handcuffs. If it gets too bad and they have been assessed and they are not too bad they are just taken away by police, said receptionist Sarah Jones. Lisa OCarroll

1.46am, Manchester

Outside Deansgate Locks, a popular party spot with several bars and clubs, its not quite kicking out time but were already seeing a couple of early casualties. A drunk girl has fallen and cut her knee badly. Shes crying on the phone to her parents while being treated by the Street Angels. Another job saved from paramedics. Josh Halliday

1.51am, Stoke

Dr Ben Arnold in A&E at Royal Stoke University hospital in Stoke-on-Trent. Photograph: Alicia Canter for the Guardian

Dr Ben Arnold, a senior house office in emergency medicine, loves a Friday night in the minor injuries section.

I like drunk people when they are not so unwell, you can joke with them. Their friends have brought them in because theyre worried about them, but from a medical point of view, theyre healthy, you can have a chat. Theres a common theme which colours the excuses made by revellers as they come round in A&E.

They say their drink has been spiked, their friends say: They always drink this much, it must be something in the drink. But it obviously is because they have had more than usual or havent eaten enough.

Its younger ones, 18-year-olds, who are more honest about it. They do get very embarrassed especially if they have had a loss of continence. And they have to go home in a hospital gown.

Sometimes, its not just the patients causing Arnold all the bother. Its friends and relatives who might be a bit drunk. They get bored, they dress up in the gloves and gowns, mucking about and you have to go and remind them that a hospital is a serious place. Jessica Elgot

1.55am, Cardiff

A nurse helps a very drunk teenager at the ATC in Bridge Street, Cardiff. Photograph: Gareth Phillips for the Guardian

An 18-year-old student is found lying alone, clearly drunk, on the pavement close to the university. There were a series of sexual assaults on women in this area last year so passersby are worried and dial 999.

She has not been assaulted but has simply drunk too much at a house party. An ambulance crew arrives and takes her to the alcohol treatment centre ATC. She is sick on the way and sick several times at the ATC.

At the ATC she is assessed and given water. Ceri Martin, a sister, and Charlotte Pritchard, a healthcare support worker tend to her. She is joined by a friend at the ATC and they sit together, slumped in a corner, waiting for her to recover.

Shell be here for two or three hours while she gets herself together, said Martin. Well get her to drink water, observe her and keep her warm. Then well make sure she gets home safely.

Im just glad that theres a place like this for young women like that. Shes in a safe place and were helping keep pressure off A&E.

A street pastor radios in to say she is bringing someone in to the ATC. So it begins, says Pritchard. It still could be a long night/morning here.

But its not always a thankless task, as this note at the ATC indicates:

steven morris (@stevenmorris20) January 23, 2016

A grateful patient cared for at the alcohol treatment centre in Cardiff. pic.twitter.com/CiLLATTFIV

2am, Manchester

Josh Halliday talks to Street Angel volunteer Paul Jones

2.01am, Southampton

Suspected drunk male brought into the assessment area of A&E in University hospital, Southampton. Photograph: Antonio Olmos for the Guardian

Two more alcohol admissions in Southampton in the space of 10 minutes, one so inebriated he is semi-conscious.

The worry here is that the alcohol might mask a head injury, says nurse Sam Carter. So we do a set of neuro obs [observations] and lactate assessment to see if he is dehydrated. We might also resort to pain stimuli, squeeze his trapezium really hard to check his responses, she adds. Ouch. Lisa OCarroll

2.10am, Stoke

Back in Stoke, there are 99 patients in A&E at 2am, which is an achievement for the staff, the first time numbers have dropped below 100 since 4.30pm yesterday. Patients are being discharged, or waiting to be admitted to other departments as beds there become available. Though some staff are beginning to end their shifts, many others are here until the morning. More than 100 people have come through the doors already since midnight; some who have overindulged tonight are on trollies in the corridor making emotional phone calls. There is more work to do before the night is over for A&E staff five more ambulances are on their way. Jessica Elgot

from All Of Beer http://allofbeer.com/the-making-of-a-hangover-the-true-impact-of-one-night-out/ from All of Beer https://allofbeercom.tumblr.com/post/169240948782