#i dont normally post anon hate but I felt like using this one to make a point | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

stvllioner · 4 years ago

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You’re Perfect

Bakugo x Fat!Reader [3.4k words]

warning(s): sexual content, angst, fluff, mentioned bullying, might be triggering, implied anxiety attack, body dysmorphia, body worship, praise kink.

a/n: for any sfw readers, about first half of the fic is strictly sfw. line “It took you a second” is when it gets spicy, ““Shit… you okay? I didn’t hurt you or anything?”” is when its chill again. <////<

ahhhh, i sincerely apologize to the requester for this being so late. i too at the time was struggling with my weight when i had received this, i hope this makes up for lost time. this hit home to write since its painful to see someone you love go through hating themselves for something they cant control. if there is ANYTHING THAT MAKES YOU (THE READER) UNCOMFORTABLE PLEASE LET ME KNOW! i will fix it up ASAP. as my other awareness posts or sensitive topic fics, i hope this helps more than hurts.

if anyone makes fun of you for your weight (especially on anonymous) theyre fucking losers. if someone cant say shit to your face they dont matter!! and if they do? they still dont matter. as long as you are healthy you are 100% valid, no matter your size. thank you anon, i hope you have a splendid night! 💓

His mouth danced with yours as you two had finally gotten back from a long day of shopping together. His hands wandered under the cute hoodie that you had borrowed from him, your beautiful body doing it more justice than his. His calloused hands gave your sides a playful squeeze, smirking lightly at your slight moan at the feeling. Just when he was about to lift the material from your body is when you had stopped him abruptly.

Bakugo frowned upon watching as you kept your hoodie down, shying away from his eyes and not making any move to speak rather than to tell him “no”. He sat back on his heels, your skirt already ridden up, but that too was brought down by your persistent hands. Bakugo’s brows furrowed in confusion, eyes scanning your face and trying to figure out what the hell was wrong.

“Babe, what the hell are you doing?” He asked, his voice communicating his confusion.

“I-I just don’t feel like it anymore.” You mumble, hand flying up to cover your face, a sure sign that you were lying to him. Bakugo’s face didn’t change at your words, the other indication of that was the subtle change in his facial expression. He moved back, his hands carefully lifting your thighs from around his waist and helping you sit better on the bed again.

“What’s the issue? Did someone do something to you?” He asks one question right over the other, thinking out loud instead of letting you speak as he gives you more space. “I swear I’ll kill whoever did it, those fuckers don’t know what’s coming to them-”

“It was about us,” You whisper, “those girls were talking about us.” Your change in volume catching his attention, whipping his head to look in your direction once again. He was startled to find that you were crying, the dead giveaway being the wet spots that coated the once dry edge of your sleeves. “How I’m not good enough for you b-because…” Finishing the sentence was hard. Your voice trembled as you struggled to talk, the painful squeezing in your chest making it impossible to think straight. He couldn’t say anything as he waited for you to continue, too worried that if he spoke too soon he’d cause you more harm than healing.

“I’ve been trying so hard to ignore it but, it’s just so fucking hard not to. People always tell me about how I look when I can already see it by myself. I don’t need someone to point out my weight because I live with it every fucking day! When they send me their bullshit when we’re together -- it’s always when we’re together. I fucking hate it!” You cried harder, your emotions coming up and swallowing you whole. Had this been with anyone else, it would’ve been hard. Since Bakugo had already been with you a few times to know your insecurities and aid you back to a level head, making this easier to open up. “Those girls… they talk about how you’re better than me, how you’d leave me because I’m not shaped like the other girls, how--how I’m not your type! And it’s every-fucking-day.” You whimpered at the end of your sentence, your anxiety not aiding in the fact that it was getting so much harder and harder to think straight or breathe. “It hurts so fucking much because I love you so much, K-Katsuki -- it hurts s-so much!”

At this stage in your breakdown, you didn’t even have enough courage to look up at him or inch away when you felt him get closer to you. He was silent as he watched you sobbed, gulping anxiously as he too tried to hold back his pain at watching you like this. He quickly scanned the room to let his words flow for whatever reason, the action aiding him in speaking to you. Of course, he had known that once you two moved onto a university setting that more people would try anything to get on top. Bullying was something he was over and something he had grown to despise. The thought and knowledge of people being awful to you made him incredibly sick.

“Is that what has been bothering you so much?” Bakugo asked, gently getting enough room for him to bring you into his lap into his arms. You nodded as you continued to sob, the harshness before only dimming down just a bit by him embracing you in his arms. “Fuck those extras. Those chicks don’t even know what they’re talking about, if they spent more time on themselves they’d pass better in class!” He huffs. He doesn't need to anything about who there and what their motives were, not wanting to feed into their pathetic bullshit. It was losers who don’t even have the privilege to talk to him for Bakugo. “You’re fucking beautiful, Y/N. Don’t let some nameless bullies get to you, they’re nothing but jealous bottom-feeders. You’re your own person even without me -- and hell I would still be pinning after you even if we weren’t together.” He mumbles against your temple, his hand that held under thighs in a tight but comfortable grip gave them a loving squeeze, his other hand that wrapped around your shoulders giving the same effort.

He smiled softly once the sound of your crying subsided the more he continued his words. He places a kiss on your temple once he manages to earn a sorrowful giggle from you, nuzzling your hair as he softly rocked you. “Don’t let those people get to you… they have nothing better to do.” He carries, his tone softer than the last time. “I don’t know what’s it like to be in your shoes, but I am here for you, alright?” He reassures. The nod of your head was all he needed as he let you calm down, not moving or speaking another word till you were comfortable in moving again.

He gave you a moment to collect yourself, reminding you of the breathing exercises you often did to get you to breathe normally again. It wasn’t until when you had gained enough reassurance you were able to lift your head from your curled up position, using the other dry side of your sleeves to clean your cheeks. He swoops in to give your closest cheek playful kisses, the feeling of his lips against your skin making you chuckle and move your face away.

“Katsuki, stooop~” You tease him, moving your face away from him and letting his kisses trail down your neck. He stops once you down at him with a playful grin, your vibrant smile back on your face.

“There my beautiful and amazing, Y/N, is~” He teases back, leaning in to give your lips a peck and pulling away to carefully let you back on the bed. You take a small deep breath, your hands coming up to wipe your face again. “Thank you, Katsuki. Sorry if I ruined the mood, I didn’t mean it…”

“Eh, what the hell. I would rather sex you up when you’re ready not when you’re someplace else.” He nudges you jokingly, smirking down at your semi-surprised face. “I could get you a bath, queue up some movies, if that’s what you want-”

“N-No, I would like to continue where we l-left off.”

It took you a second before you could look up at him, both pairs of eyes reading each other. You were the first to lean in, his hand coming up to cup your cheek and sealing the kiss halfway through. You positioned your body to face him better, him the same as you two sat at the edge of the bed getting into your interrupted make-out session once again. Your hands gripped the bottom of his shirt as his other disappeared under your hoodie once again, you two letting your hands refuge wherever they could find it.

His thumb softly caressed your skin as he leaned more into you, you both moving to lay back onto the bed. His hand trailed from your jaw back to his earlier position before you had your break, pausing just slightly and continuing their journey downwards -- in fear of repeating the same emotions that had jumped up when you two had first started. His calloused hands landed on your thighs and spread them with enough room for him to fit between your thicc thighs. His hands gave them a sensual squeeze, dragging up playfully to disappear under your skirt as he caressed the plush skin under it.

His tongue invaded your mouth while you let his hands roam wherever they so, please. His mouth swallowed your cute and surprised yelp when his hand found its way into your laced panties and gave your bean a testing rub. Once his advances weren't rejected he proceeded to continue rubbing. He opened his eyes to watch your face relax into one of lewdity, quickening his pace to the one you liked. His fingers were skilled in rubbing up and down to collecting your slick, making it easier to rub against your skin and bundle of nerves.

When you had pulled away it was one of the most erotic sights he has ever seen from you: expression needy, mouth open, and tongue hanging out your mouth as panted from the rush of adrenaline. A string of saliva connected you two, the experience causing his cock to twitch in excitement. He leaned down to give you a quick kiss to get rid of it and pulled away to get the rest of your clothes off. His hands gripped the bottom of the hoodie, red and lustful eyes looking up at you for consent before getting the clothing off your body. He groaned watching your chest heave in excitement, hands trailing your sides, and moving to kiss your neck.

“You’re so fucking beautiful, baby~” He mumbles against your skin, giving it a playful bite and sucking on it. “And you’re all fucking mine, you got it~?” He trails his kisses to different parts of your chest and collarbone, making sure to leave it in places that could easily be seen. “I’m going to let every extra know it too~”

You moaned out his name once he continued his possessiveness, hands groping your tits through your bra and fondling them. The soft but stimulating fabric of bra aided in giving you the extra boost of hormones that he had given your cunt minutes ago, shamelessly rubbing against the front of his pants to gain stimulation.

His kisses didn’t stop at your chest and collarbones, his adventure continuing when his hands went behind your back to un-clip your bra and watch as your breast spilled from the contraption. He mutters to himself at how cute your chest was, the hardened nipples aiding in their beauty. He couldn’t help but swoop in and take a bud in his mouth, already sucking on the proud buds. His tongue swept across the hardened nerves and sucked on them as well, his other hand fondled the other. His unoccupied hand moves back under your skirt and inside your panties, playing with your womanhood, his main focus to give you utmost pleasure.

He hums happily hearing you moan and whimper for him, your hands gripping the shirt he still kept on. The contrast of how much clothes you two were wearing was making you self conscious, but in the hot, bothered and vulnerable -- and not the bad kind of way. Once he could feel your cunt slicking up he smirked against your skin and continued his ministrations. Bakugo takes two experimental rubs against your entrance, dipping the tips in and slowly sinking them both in at once. His teeth lightly tug at your nipple as he pulls away, letting it go before giving it a teasing peck.

“You like my fingers in you, baby~?” He lightly taunts you, watching as your hips buck into his hand once he chooses to rub over your g-spot from the get-go. “You like it when I tease you like this, Y/N~?” Of course, he wasn’t expecting a verbal response from you. Your whimpering, and nodding being enough.

He let his fingers work inside you, tips repeatedly grazing and teasing your g-spot to watch your tremble and quiver. Choked words came from your mouth, your eyes never leaving his as he watched down at you in a predatory gaze. The corners of his mouth etched into a smirk, unbeknownst to you that how beautiful you looked made his heart race, his thumb doing its work to further its pleasure and keep you squirming beneath him. The sound of your cunt sucking around him was erotic, Bakugo flipping up your skirt just to see the mess underneath. “Fuck~ this pretty little cunt is mine~” He growls out from the feeling of your walls tightening around his digits at the compliment. Surely he wasn’t expecting you to cum this quick, his free hand gripping one of your thighs and pushing it back to let his fingers hit differently inside you. The mixture of his fingers pumping in and out of the hot core and his thumb swiping at your swollen nerves was enough to drive you over, giving him a loud cry he always yearned to hear when you guys get busy in your dorm room. He carefully removes his drenched fingers from your wanton cunt, dryly swallowing at the loss from around his fingers.

“Such a good girl…” He mutters to you, whether or not you were supposed to hear it or not mattering to you once he rips off your skirt, his hands gripping your waist and squeezing your waist. His eyes scanned and drank in your naked state, his cheeks tinting a happy pink on his tanned skin as he thought of all the things he could do to you, his boner officially pressing against the restraints of his pants. His hands trailed your body, giving the parts of your body sensual gropes and held you with gentleness. It was like he wanted to let you know he cherished every bit of you.

Bakugo was quick on getting his clothes off, ready to finally have his cock inside you. His fingers danced across your way to lube himself up again, pumping his cock as he looked you over. He makes strong eye contact with you, his nose flare in hot arousal. “Are you ready to continue, babe?” He asks softly, gripping your thighs and wrapping your legs around his waist.

“Please, Katsuki, please make love to me…” You ask meekly in response, your hands circling his shoulders and pulling him closer. His face nuzzles your neck and nods his head in response, pressing his tip against your opening before thrusting in.

“Be careful what you wish for~” He simply says as he hits inside you and holds you close. His pace was relentlessly but not in an aggressive way, the enthusiasm of his thrusts showing his passion for having sex with you. Your hips met with every thrust, body bouncing against his as he moved his hips against yours. The resonating sound of him moving in and out of you was flustering, to say the least, the sound not alone and having the sound of your wet pussy to partner along with it.

His hands caged your head in as they rested on beside your face and on your plush pillows, anchoring himself and helping him move in you. He peeked down to watch as you reacted to him, from the way your face twitched in pleasure to the way your body moved against his was to put simply, euphoric.

“There’s my beautiful girl, moan for me, baby~” Bakugo held no resentments in showering you with compliments, adding a little razzle-dazzle to the experience between you two. While some were straight-up dirty some were wholesome. The scale of how Bakugo went along with making you feel better and loved almost made you tear up once again. You swallowed the tears more for your own fear of shedding emotion and not wanting to ruin the mood again.

But that wasn’t the case.

Once Bakugo noticed your tear-stained cheeks, admittedly his heart did squeeze. He gave you a promise that he loves as he slowed his thrusts just for you, his hands coming up to cup your cheeks and give you a passionate kiss on the lips. He didn’t try to make it steamy or long, nor did he pull away to hear you say the same words back. He just wanted you to feel loved and desired in that very moment his words reached far behind the sensual confines of the bed you both sometimes shared.

So you let your feelings out.

This time it was from the overwhelming love you held for your longtime boyfriend.

He kissed away and rubbed your cheeks as he left you to cling onto him. He set his pace to one he knew you loved, doing nothing more than pleasuring you and helping you move along to your orgasm. His lips littered your exposed collarbones, shoulders, neck, chest -- anywhere he could appropriately reach and where he could find. He kissed the characteristic and lovely blemishes on your skin, the reappearing and disappearing stretch marks he loved to caress late at night, and the old hickies left by your one and only~ He made sure to give you his all.

Your hands interlocked with his as you announced you were close, eyes watching up into him as his hips stuttered to meet your climax as well. He allowed himself to adjust to comfort without restraints. He sat deep in you as you released on his cock, your soft pants leaving your chest. He mutters another “I love you” to you for another good measure, kissing up to your neck and nipping your earlobe and sucking on it. He held you in his arms till you were done, carefully pulling away and pulling out, cussing lightly under his breath as he admired you.

“Shit… you okay? I didn’t hurt you or anything?” He asks with slight worry, his cheeks tinting red again when you left your hands to cup his cheeks instead this time. You smiled up at him once he focused on you, thumbs softly rubbing the soft and warm skin of his attractive face.

“I’m okay. Thank you, Katsuki…” He pulls you into another hug, his arms holding onto you so tight that you believed that he wouldn't let go no matter what. “I-I love you too.”

You felt safe.

Being on your own and not in the comfort of your home was scary on its own. But, with the added support of your boyfriend never made you pull away from loving yourself. You hadn’t expected to meet Bakugo or elope with him after his era of horrid behavior back in junior secondary school. You giggle to yourself as you think about old Bakugo and how much he’s changed, gaining a confused look from him.

“What’s so funny, brat?” He asks playfully, his hand coming up to flick your forehead. You whine at the feeling, still smiling anyways.

“You’ve changed a lot, Katsuki.” You answer with just as much lightness, thanking him when he brings back a towel for you both to get cleaned up. “It’s honestly endearing if you ask me~”

“Save it for dinner.” He mumbles back, cheeks hot with embarrassment as you compliment his character development over the years. He gets off the bed and holds your hands to get you up, giving the same spot on your forehead a gentle kiss to somewhat “soothe” it.

“Change into something comfortable, I have to show you something that will blow your fuckin’ socks off.” He grins as he pulls away. He get to changing into the settings attire from the few draws you let him borrow for his clothes, shooing you away and giving your butt a playful smack once you leave and smirking at your yelp.

You pout rubbing your butt and go to your closet to pick out something this time around, deciding the leading choice for the outfit would be another one of his at-home hoodies that you wore out when you wanted him most. “May I ask where-”

“Of course not.” He answers before you can finish, peeking back at you once you dressed already, smiling softly as he hops up. “Just wear something that you can get dirty in. We’re going to make some unforgettable memories~”

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rantingcrocodile · 3 years ago

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Hey i just wanna tell that anon- the one who said they felt guilty for craving male attention that their friends got… thats normal but I really want them to know!! Before they find out more the hard way— pretty or not, thats the attention you still get for the most part. Manipulation, and sometimes they hit you. Just because more guys give you attention doesnt mean it gets you anything or is good. It has potential, but every girl that has dated has been used… keep that in mind.

Maybe I should also say personally ive always been conventionally attractive and It makes me so sad when girls say this!! You are so lucky to be left alone 😞 my father was sexually abusive and is so obsessed w me i had to change my name and move far, men follow me all the time i dont even go out alone, and literally no money or anything like why would a man give me money or anything to help me so i wouldnt need him?? And if i did take something he would throw it in my face and call me a whore. Tell everyone else. Mens “attention” leads to nothing. You need to just find genuine people.

I'm so, so sorry that you've been through all that.

You're so right, though. Women face a catch-22 when it comes to men, and we're taught that it's always greener on the other side, firstly to make sure that we're as available to men as possible, and secondly to pit women against each other so the men that want to abuse us stop us from speaking, raising class consciousness and demanding better for ourselves.

I say that as generalised to women because although this conversation is about sex and romance, it's true of all male interactions with us.

It reminds me of a post that I saw a while ago by a (I think?) GNC lesbian who had male friends, who decided to actually treat her as "one of the guys" and demean other women to an extreme in front of her, like they thought that she would agree with their dehumanisation. If she hadn't been more in touch with feminism, that kind of environment was ripe for those men to encourage her to hate other women even more.

Friendships with other women mean more than any kind of romantic interactions when it comes to feminism.

#crocodilian answers #Thank you for having the courage to share this <3

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sunflowervolvimp3 · 3 years ago

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wait i love that this is a safe space for queer gossip so LET ME TELL YOU MINE

Last year i was seeing this girl that was a friend of a friend and a lesbian (i dont label my sexuality) and i had a crush on her for years before i finally made a move and it worked, we talked everyday, i would go to her apartment every weekend and spend time with her and it was amazing. One day out of the blue she texted me and said that we should stick to being just friends and it hurt like hell but i said ok because i really liked her just as a friend before, but eventually we stopped talking frequently. A few days ago i saw that she posted a story on instagram on her "close friends" and it was her laying on a bed all sweaty while hugging this girl and they were both clearly naked so i texted our mutual friend because i knew he was on her close friends as well (i was scared that she posted accidentally but since we havent talked in a while i felt awkward reaching out to her) but he told he couldn't see that she posted anything so he asked another friend and he also said he couldn't see the photo which made me believe that she posted that just so i could see. I've been very confused about it over the last feel days but im glad i get to gossip to you on anon today, bestie.

please share your thoughts

i wish i could post my live reaction of reading this story truly like i was loving it for you and then hating it for you and i really thought the close friends story was gonna be a good thing and then got hit with THAT!!!!!!

so she stands accused of intentionally posting a close friends story of her and another girl post sex to make you feel jealous/sad/angry……tbh bestie i feel like you don’t need these mind games!!!!! especially because she was the one who cut it off in the first place!!!! if she was missing you then she could reach out and say it like a normal person but instead is trying to get your attention through another girl????

now i would be lying if i said i hadn’t used my insta story to get a reaction out of someone i was interested in and i know it’s a common thing but this feels like a different level!!!! like this isn’t a spotify song share or a thirst trap selfie this seems to be something specifically targeted at you!!!! and you haven’t been talking much lately either????? the vibes are off girlie i don’t like the games she’s playing here and we are above it!!!!!

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ouyangzizhensdad · 4 years ago

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i meant white/western audiences are slow to understanding the subtext rather than asian fandoms, when i was a kid i remember most asian countries didnt even have "kiss scenes" in movies or dramas, for us the "subtext" was normal for straight couples too (I've seen a few white folks think cql is a story abt 2 straight friends). the issues with the poor production and it has shit production coz of the budget but the drama wasnt supposed to be a big hit. also like how u just made it the "idol drama" as if most kdramas and cdramas arent full of idols. I mostly agree with ur cql fandom hate too but to me it seems like u sometimes just want to prove that cql is worse than it is just coz the fans it brought in. I dont blame u either, I've seen some shit metas and the cql fans who hate the novel and call the writer homophobic are also funny. What makes me irritated is that the amount of hate cql gets on here is equal to the amount of hate novel gets, when the drama made alot of things possible for asian LGBTQ audiences. This is the first drama that my gay asian friend (who isnt out) watched with his parents and got them to fall for all the ppl and support the couple. Novels have our imagination in them but dramas need to make a lot of ppl happy and also keep censorship at bay. for me personally cql seems like it made it possible for alot of closeted kids be comfortable talking abt a gay couple with their parents, as novels are limited to a fandom. (Like I've not read a single harry potter book but I've watched 4 of the movies 😚)

I'm not trying to attack u but I'm trying to tell u that just coz the drama brought in a shit ton of weirdos in the fandom it still helped alot more ppl than u can imagine...

Hi anon,

One thing where we seem to be of a different opinion is that criticising cql as a work of fiction, or highlighting the political economic context surrounding it, in no way negates what it can mean for people. I personally consider that these are completely different matters. These things often have nothing to do with the inherent quality of a thing, or even how good “queer rep” it is--they are relative to people’s specific and personal experiences, or a particular moment in the media landscape. All the things she said holds special meaning to me because it was the first time I got to see two women kiss on tv and it felt revelatory. I vividly remember sitting cross-legged right in front of the tv and refusing to come eat until the end of the music videos--at a time when I could not articulate why I was so fascinated by it. I know that this song is still meaningful for a lot of queer people my age, even if many people hate it for being a straight gaze fantasy. Regardless of what it personally means to me, I’m not going to argue that the music video is a masterpiece, or be blind to the reason why the kiss was included in that music video. CQL is very meaningful to your gay closeted friend, and allowed him to discuss wangxian as a gay couple with his parents, and that’s absolutely great. But I personally think it’s a little bit far-fetched to suppose that the same couldn’t have been said of any other live adaptations of a danmei novel who didn’t shoehorn in a het romance: if the timing had been different, perhaps the first drama with romantic subtext between two male characters he would have seen with his parents would have been Guardians, or the incoming adaptation of TGCF. Hell, H2O was so popular that they might have just watched that one together as well, even if the subtext “romance” is between two side characters.

Let me be clear as well that I am not trying to argue that MDZS is this groundbreaking piece of fiction wrt “gay rights” or queer representation in China that changes minds and sways public opinion. It’s one of many danmei novels--it just is one that has a lot of literary merit. I simply think it’s disingenuous when people in the western fandom claim that a subtext romance is better “representation” than a canon gay couple who get their happily ever after. CQL is more impactful because it is mainstream, but it does not mean the representation it offers is inherently better. It is also ridiculous sometimes because the hurdles faced by a danmei authors vs the government-backed media giants who benefit financially from putting out censored version of their stories is just..... not something that should be ignored in my opinion.

Asian audiences being more used to romance depicted through subtext does not, at least in my opinion, negate the power of heteronormativity or compulsory heteronormativity to influence readings of that subtext by a portion of the audience. Chinese people are absolutely creative and innovative in the ways in which they manage to circumvent censorship, but a webseries financed by a media giant is not going to be a transgressive attempt to pull the wool over the censors’ eyes--at the end of the day it needs to be a safe investment.

You seem to suggest that I am hard on CQL for being an idol drama but do not bring the same criticisms to other idol dramas. I find this weird because it’s not like I’ve ever praised an idol drama, and I know I haven’t because I simply don’t think they are competent works of fiction (although sometimes the camera work and editing is at least competent, compared to cql where the production quality is kind of poor). The closest I’ve come to doing that is praising My Mister, which is not in any way an idol drama, but which I suppose features an idol (IU) in the cast. When I said the first jdrama I watched was Hana Yori Dango, that was not an endorsement of how good it was--because honestly it’s one hot mess barely held together by the chemistry between the two leads--it was just a statement of fact.

I am very critical and judgemental, I’ll give you that, but I don’t think that equates to “hate”. Yes, most of my discussions of CQL sprout from existing discussions within the fandom. But most of my posts indirectly reference or respond to something I saw. What’s the difference between me addressing a common novel fanon and me addressing a common opinion on cql’s virtues?

TLDR; a work of fiction being significant to people is something to recognise but it should not preclude being able to discuss that work critically, especially wrt how it executes its story since the inherent quality of the work as art has no direct correlation with its impact, be it on individuals or on a specific media landscape. Moreover, the impact of a work on queer people or on the social perception of queer people is not inherently proportional to how “good queer rep” it is: it has usually more to do with the context (ie people don’t remember Brokeback Mountain because it was the best movie with a gay love story ever made until then--there was more at play).

#anon ask #fandom discussions #long post

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parrishh · 4 years ago

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i'm like, 90% sure all of the anons in my inbox right now are actually the same person so, if that's you, i'm just going to answer all of your mister impossible questions in this post since there are a lot of them and this is going to be really very extremely long

"Wait what why is Jordan awake?"/"Is the sweetmetal of declans picture helping jordan stay awake?"

i don't know why she's awake but i don't think it's the painting, because at the end of the book she's outside declan's apartment, not her own. i guess it's possible that she succeeded in making the painting a sweetmetal powerful enough to sustain her even there, but i feel like there's probably a different explanation. i've seen theories that she's inadvertently made herself into a sweetmetal by finally seeing herself as her own person rather than just a copy of hennessy, which is interesting

"And the things about the ley line Idgi? Hennessy wants to stop the power but for what"

i think hennessy thinks shutting down the ley line is the best (or even only) way to get rid of the lace. she hates herself for the lace to the extent that she doesn't even want to live anymore, so of course that's her primary motivation. she feels hopeless so long as the lace has power. she's desperate

"Why did he think adam was in on declans plan? I think the "oh" was more like oh you want to come with bryde of course...."

the "oh" is in response to ronan saying "i'm calling now. i need to see you", before there's even any mention of bryde. adam says "you're here? oh", not "you're here? why are you here?" the fact that he didn't ask why ronan was in town, the fact that he said an "oh" of realization instead, implied that he already knew why ronan was in town. and he could have only known by speaking to declan. i think it was a reasonable conclusion on ronan's part

"Ronan are you being serious????? Why should Adam/Declan drop everything and come fight with you - they didnt even know where you are, they don't know the plan. Then you accuse them of that Moderators plan without questioning them. And I mean, yes, Ronan is easily manipulated and he thinks everyone is against them and Bryde is the only one who cares but come on!!!!!!! Seriously, doesn't he get that he might be in the wrong????"

i mean, i think you hit the nail on the head when you said "he thinks everyone is against them." for a long time, he's been struggling with feeling alone, like he's a burden, like the people he loves don't really understand him. he's never had a healthy relationship with another dreamer, so it makes sense that he feels so isolated from literally everyone he cares about. and now he just found out two of the most important people in his life went behind his back to conspire against him (even if he doesn't have confirmation about adam, declan does admit to it over the phone) which is just...salt on a wound he's had since he was a kid. i'm not saying he's in the right, but i do understand why his immediate reaction was what it was. when you've been hurt like that, it takes some time before you can like, calm down and reconsider your own role in the situation

"Ronan basically dreamt Bryde in his worst dream right? Why does he still trust him"

i mean, i don't know how much we can believe what bryde says, but when he reveals himself as being ronan's dream he basically says that everything that he (bryde) wants, ronan already subconsciously wanted before he even dreamt him. that bryde wants it because ronan wanted it. to admit that bryde is in the wrong, ronan would have to admit he, himself, is in the wrong, too, and that's not easy. especially because a lot of his motivation is saving matthew and not wanting to live with the weight of matthew's life on his conscious anymore. especially because he's felt alone for so long, and now he just found out the first dreamer to truly make him feel less alone is his own creation. he's hurting. a lot. he will admit to being wrong in the third book, i think, but like i mentioned above, that kind of growth takes some time

"I think Ronan actually doubts Brydes plan too bc he thinks stuff like people built the dam, there are living things here, it cost a fortune..... and i personally never see a purpose in what they're doing bc bryde never tells them and ronan obviously doesn't know or he thinks he doesnt. I think he doesnt and he just trudts bryde blindly for now and his insecurities aka bryde take over and rule over ronan. Thoughts?"

i mean, i think ronan sees the purpose. here are his thoughts, directly quoted from chapter 17 when bryde is talking about restoring the ley lines:

"A world where Matthew could just live. A world where Ronan could just dream. A world where every dream was clear and crisp and easy to navigate, so there were never accidents or nightmares. He wanted it."

he wants, as i mentioned above, for matthew's life to not be reliant on his own (which i understand. that's a really heavy knowledge to live with.) he also just wants to be able to exist wherever he wants and with whomever he wants (thinking, for example, about how he wasn't able to get an apartment in boston in cdth), without constantly worrying that the nightwash is going to kill him. poor guy just wants a normal life

"Also did we ever actually see bryde get something out of a dream? Most work did Ronan"

this is interesting. now that you mention it, i don't think we do. supposedly he dreams the orbs, but i can't recall ever seeing that happen? i could be wrong, though

"And why is the nightwash mostly ronans problem? I mean hennessy and rhionna (?) had it very little and who knows if the other dreamers have it"

i think ronan is a much, much more powerful dreamer than any of the others. there's something...More about him. something special about being the greywaren. i don't know what it is, specifically, but i anticipate that's something we'll find out in the final book, and i expect it'll explain why the nightwash affects him more than it does the others

"Who the hell dreamt the mods"

i don't know! i think the most popular theory right now is that it was nathan farooq-lane. i'm not sure how that works, though, since they killed nathan and bryde took the sweetmetal off of lock pretty early in the book (unless nathan isn't actually dead, somehow) (or bryde is nathan, which is another popular theory). another theory is that it was ronan. like, he was feeling so alone and misunderstood that he accidentally dreamt his own persecutors? or it's possible that they were all just dreamt by random dreamers and that's why they felt strongly enough about the "cause" to become moderators, but that's kind of boring

"And why are R B and H so dangerous? Bc of what they're doing?"

yeah, and, i mean, according to liliana's visions, they have the power to end the world

"Can I point out that Idk what everyone is talking about, I dont get pynch possible breakup vibes at all from this book"/"Am I trippin or did I read another book? Because some fellas say there's no pynch"

i think when people say there's no pynch, they just mean that there's very minimal pynch interaction, specifically. because, yeah, even though they're both constantly thinking about each other, it is true that we only get one moment of them actually interacting (the phone call), and it's obviously not a positive interaction

i don't think anyone actually thinks they'll break up. at least, i haven't seen anyone say that and i've been feverishly reading everything under the mister impossible tag, so

"What struck me as really odd was that Adam bought this stupid 14$ waffle which he would have never done a few months back and I dont think he would do it now? 14$ is a lot of money esp for a waffle so why spend it on something as useless as this? And why do the others need Adams money? Are they all on scholarships? Was it just bc he had cash and the others didnt? And why is he treating them like his followers and they treat him as their guardian or whatever like he clearly needs to be honest with them"

okay, first off, i will say, as someone who grew up poor and, like adam, absolutely busted my ass in high school to get a good scholarship so i could go to college, the relief of actually getting that scholarship is...powerful. my financial anxiety definitely didn't disappear once that happened, but there was, at least in my experience, this feeling of "i made it, it's going to be okay now" that made it a little easier to spend money. i don't think it's that unrealistic that he, now having the security of a harvard education, would spend fourteen dollars on something he doesn't need every once in a while. it would be completely out of character for henrietta adam, yes, but it's a bit different now. plus, it wouldn't suit his faux Harvard Adam persona to refuse the waffle because of how much it costs

i think his friends are all a lot more well-off than he is. it was just that they didn't have any cash on them and the waffle truck didn't take card (also realistic, i never have cash on me so i always have to ask someone to spot me when a place turns out to be cash-only)

i think (a) they all look up to him because he has this really calm, cool and collected persona. more importantly, we can assume that they were all struggling with something when he met each of them, since they were all crying. now in swoops this guy who saw them upset and came to comfort and befriend them. of course they see him as something like a hero. and (b) i think he likes that. in high school, he was the one being rescued, not the one rescuing. i think he enjoys being the kind of person he used to wish he could be (ie. gansey. he's being gansey)

"I thought it a bit funny in a weird way that Declan talked about marrying Jordan…I can't imagine he was being too serious about it?"

no, i mean, i don't think he was literally proposing, not yet. he's just really happy for the first time in a long time (maybe ever) and, after a lifetime of pain and trauma and more responsibility than he ever signed up for, i don't blame him for wanting that feeling to last forever, even if he's not really thinking clearly

"Also I think it's amazing they make each other so happy but the ending makes me a bit sad or surprised bc shouldn't Matthew be his nr1 priority now?"

we only have jordan's perspective at the end, so when she thinks that it was clear declan had come out of his apartment looking for her, i don't think that necessarily means he wasn't also looking for matthew. i don't think it's fair to say that, in that moment, he should prioritize either matthew or jordan. he loves two dreams, so he can and should be concerned for both of them equally. i don't think one love is inherently more important than the other just because it's lasted longer or because it's family

#WHEW THIS TOOK FOREVER #thanks for the questions! sorry i don't know what i'm talking about half the time!#mister impossible #mister impossible spoilers #mi spoilers #w's mi asks #answered #anon

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heyjude19-writing · 4 years ago

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Im the list anon again and boy do I have more for you but this time I also have some questions as well if your time allows and you are willing to answer of course. First with the other things I loved:

1) the fact that Ron warmed up to Draco so quickly! I genuinely think thats so much in character. Ron is not a distrustful person and as a middle child as they come is very easygoing and would for sure make stupid jokes at Draco

2) The patronus. My god the Patronus. I seriously put the phone down and made a small slow clap during that chapter. At first I was like hmmmm *insert unsure kombucha girl face* because almost all fanfics have him with a dragon patronus and leave it at that (and lets be honest at this point my expectations of you were quite high dont blame me blame your bloody brilliant writing) but then, and I dont know if you did this on purpose or not (I have a feeling you did) but the fact that the dragon was the same (pale white) wounded but still feral dragon that Hermione FREEED (!) from a bank (£££) dungeon, malnourished and used for its nature, surrounded by darkness, wealth and misery!! And it was Hermione who broke its chains!!!!! Is just *chefs fucking kiss* slow clap*

3) the way you describe sex scenes are so natural! Ive never read a fanfic or book that doesnt make me gag a little bit (I am not a fan of smut at all but ill go with it because of a good story) until I read yours. Its so simple but yet intricate and you make the entire act so intriguing and normal and intimate. Bravo.

4) I LOVE SASHA. I love that Theo fell for her head over heels and the way you portrayd her reminded me of a friend of mine who works as a sous-chef in London so I always pictured her when reading it!

5) Dracos inner voice is ON POINT. Like I genuinely think you shoud own the rights to that character now.

6) Ill say it again. I love Ginny. You should also own the rights to her character too.

7) my interest for Quiddich (even when reading the books/wathcing the movies) was on par, if not lower than Hermiones. You managed to get me interested in that too so yes another slow clap to you

7.1) Also such a clever career for Draco!! Made si much sense!

Now to some questions

A) What was the deal with Malfoy referring to Ginny as Weasly and refusing to aknowledge her Potter surname. And why did everyone kept correcting him? It was hilarious granted but I wanted to know whether the reason you included this time and time again had to do wih something deeper? Or was this included as just a funny recurring joke?

B) Why did you choose for Draco to have a “fantasy” to produce a patronus and not for example for him to have had to do that after theyd exchanged “i love yous”. Very interesting angle and i liked that it was sort of a loophole to all the ‘death eaters cant have patronuses’ but quite curious on the thought process

C) Why did you opt for Draco to remove his mark? Do you think that stands as reward for him more or for Hermione? Very smart solution by the way

D) if you have the time- Could you please elaborate a tad more on what the soul-bonding means? Why was it so taboo? At furst hand it seems like a very romantic/amazing thing to do with your partner right?

Lastly- Do you ever itch to make a second part to this? And in the most acceptable case that you dont, I always wondered what you had in mind for them in the future- because of the soul bonding thing, you mentioned that the generational curses will be erased, which means I guess that the Malfoys can have more than one child now, and girls as well. (I cannot believe im asking for this as I am the one to avoid any pregnancy fanfics but) do you imagine them with children and if yes, how many? How do they integrate muggle devices(I know youd agree wit me that Hermione would definitively bring some muggle stuff over!) and which devices would Draco really secretly like?

Pleasewriteasecondpartwhereyouelaborateyourthoughtsonthisthankyou.

Ok rant done. :D

List anon! You’re back with another amazing ask. I’ll do my best!

1.) I like to think Ron matured a lot post-war (not enough to stop making terrible jokes, though.)

2.) Regarding your beautiful analysis of my specific dragon breed for Draco’s patronus: How many points would you like for your Hogwarts house of choice? I will add that according to Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them, the Ironbelly’s scales are normally a metallic grey. I will also add that I subscribe more to book canon than movie canon. In the book version of events of the Gringotts escape, Harry breaks the chains and Hermione (with eventual help once the boys catch on) destroys the ceiling so it can have a way out. The partially blind dragon does the rest of the work on its own.

3.) Thank you, that’s very flattering.

4.) Does your friend also get you into fancy restaurants and can they make salted caramel bread pudding???

5.) Thank you, it was one of my favorite aspects of writing this story.

6.) Thank you, she’s so fun to write and flesh out from her book portrayal.

7.) Haha, I felt so validated by that line of dialogue in Cursed Child when Draco tells Harry he wanted to play quidditch professionally, but wasn’t good enough.

Now to some answers:

A.) It’s definitely a recurring joke. It’s up to the reader to interpret Draco’s actions here: is he doing it to be a massive troll? Or is he genuinely not retaining the information of her married name because he considers this fact so unimportant that he does not bother to keep it in his brain? Troll, snob, or both, you can decide!

B.) I’ll address the second part of this first, because it was not intended as a loophole. I 1000% do not understand the “death eaters can’t have patronuses” thing. It makes absolutely no sense. Snape has a Patronus. But beyond that… Umbridge has a Patronus (a cat). If we’re letting that woman have a Patronus, then yeah, I think Draco can cast one. As for the vision that Draco used to conjure it… up to you whether that’s a fantasy or a glimpse of a certain ritual actually working. Draco’s thoughts on the matter: “An image of such striking tangibility that he might have already lived it, or perhaps experienced time in such a way that he lived it now.”

C.) I wanted Draco to have a choice, obviously a recurring theme for him in RN. For my characterization of him, that symbol on his arm causes him nothing but shame and self-loathing (see the end of chapter 36 during his heart-to-heart with Hermione). He’d already exercised almost every known avenue to rid himself of it before Hermione entered his life (he lists these in chapter 44). Hermione already loved him (and has told him so) by the time she’s figured out how to remove it: “I love the man you are today and I will love that man tomorrow, bare forearm or not. I simply wanted you, for once, to have the choice. It’s your body.”

D.) Ooh anon, you are tempting me here. I really hate to be coy, but you might see some future writing on this very topic.

I can at least answer the taboo part: I think soul magic in general (horcruxes, the use of unicorn blood) is quite taboo in the HP universe. As no one knows what happens after death (not even ghosts, Nearly Headless Nick says as much when Harry asks him point-blank in OoTP) I think most magical folk would think the intense ritual (blending magical cores) an unnecessary thing anyway. As Draco explains in chapter 48, since no one actually knows the effects or if it works, it’s considered a bit over-the-top since it’s probably futile anyway. It is also not a Vow with a death component; Narcissa is obviously alive in this story even though Lucius is already dead. I wrote the generational curse protection theory in as a dig at Cursed Child for the way they handled Astoria’s character.

The idea of it I think is romantic, but I will stress it is very dependent upon the intent of the two participants. To quote Draco in chapter 48 again: “To twine one’s soul to another showed a willingness to not only physically tether one’s self during your time here on earth, but to commit to a blending of your magical cores, putting faith in your magic to recognize its bonded counterpart in another life. Should other lives even exist.”

If you re-read Draco’s experience during the bonding ceremony in chapter 51 (starting from this bit: “The cognizance of his own powers never felt sharper, more familiar, but suddenly another power pulsed within to join with his.”) you might find it bears a resemblance to the trajectory of their relationship.

Lastly- I’ve left Draco and Hermione to their wedded bliss. I’ve got nothing planned for them beyond where they are in the final lines of chapter 51. I don’t have that itch to write more into their future because it would feel forced. Draco laid out his two envisioned futures with Hermione in chapter 48 when they discuss having or not having children. They are happy and content in the life they chose together. That’s all I ever wanted for them.

You will see more from this story though. I have an entire series of one-shots and outtakes from the published Remain Nameless timeline that I’ll start posting soon.

Thank you so much list anon! These were fun to answer!

#remain nameless #dramione #list anon #asked and answered

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ms-demeanor · 5 years ago

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After reading your "ultra-long postivity post", now I have kind of a weird feeling because i relate a lot to pretty much everything you said, but i ended up approaching the "not everyone can x" from the opposite side, being the "gifted kid" teachers used to hold everyone to unrealistic standards (that i knew most couldnt achieve in the given timeframes), and now i get frustrated when i dont develop skills immediately, because i have done it before and feel like i should be able to and aaaaaaaaaa

Funny story: when I was a kid my parents had both my sister and I tested for learning and developmental disabilities. This testing included IQ testing.

It identified that we were both “gifted” kids* and that I’m dyslexic.

It totally missed my ADHD, though!

The problem with that is that my parents. Hm.

Okay my parents both grew up in very poor families. VERY poor. And they both wanted to go to college and knew the only way that they could was through scholarships. So they became debaters. They met at a tournament in high school.

Debaters are weird. You need an efficient working memory and strong recall and the ability to think quickly on your feet. Being witty and kind of an asshole are also good traits for debaters. Basically you’ve either gotta be really fuck-off smart to be a competitive debater or you’ve gotta at least *seem* really fuck-off smart.

And my parents were champion debaters at a national level. The Whittier College debate trophy has my mom’s name written directly under Richard goddamn Nixon. My dad was on the USC debate team and competed against Harvard and won. Not only that but he ended up coaching debate for USC and Cal Tech.

So as kids who grew up in extremely poor families and were able to go to college and get middle-class jobs and buy a house because of intellectual ability my parents placed A LOT of importance on intellectual ability.

So that IQ score became a large part of my life.

First we attacked the dyslexia. The approach was basically teaching me a bunch of sight words because sounding out phonics doesn’t work when the letters get screwed up. And because I was *gifted* we did a lot of really BIG sight words.

It took about six months to get me up to speed from “memorizing the pages of a story to match the pictures because I couldn’t read along in class” to “the first book I read on my own was The Hobbit.” I guess that counted as “cured” because that was the last time I got any kind of educational assistance.

At that time I was at a gifted school, a really tiny private school that was also an after-school daycare where we did full-day classes and then did gymnastics and swim from 3-6pm. I also was there over the summer because my parents worked.

So going from “tiny private school where the teacher has you stand up in class to read your failing grade in front of everyone so that she could shame you into performing better” to “fine public school in a suburb wealthy enough to have arts programs” was a major, major change. They did an aptitude test because I was transferring in from a different district and there was much discussion about whether or not to move me directly from the second to the sixth grade.

The district refused, thank fuck.

The public elementary school didn’t *have* a gifted program so it took very little time for me to become the Certified Weird Kid. My third grade teacher had me read aloud to our class for twenty minutes a day. I taught the class the multiplication table.

When it got to be time to go to the junior high school my mom went to a meeting for the school’s gifted kids program. APPARENTLY one of the kid’s dad’s basically said “I don’t understand why you’re wasting school funds on field trips for the stupid kids, the school should spend more of its resources on kids who have a chance of actually meaning something to the world” and my mom decided that while being gifted was important it was less important than making sure I wasn’t exposed to assholes of that caliber on a regular basis.

(thanks mom, I actually do really appreciate that reprieve)

Several teachers pushed me into advanced classes - my math teacher insisted that I take the advanced algebra classes in the seventh and eighth grade.

The GATE kids *WERE* assholes and were extra bonus special assholes to me because math was the only advanced class that I was in. (At my junior high school you had to pick your elective based on what level of classes you were in - to take the GATE classes you HAD to take a music elective; if you took art, drama, shop, or home ec you couldn’t take the smart kid classes. The algebra class was a new, separate addition to the program so *some* of the kids in the “electives for dropouts” program could take algebra. Schools are really fucked up, guys, in case you didn’t know schools are really fucked up and that was BEFORE No Child Left Behind).

I got a C in that algebra class and sat in my room for literally an hour screaming at myself for being such a selfish, distracted idiot that I let myself read my books instead of studying harder for the class. (clearly very healthy, normal twelve-year-old behavior)

When it was time to go to high school my teachers made a united plea to the district to transfer me into honors/IB/AP classes.

The kids in the honors/IB/AP classes continued to be kind of awful to me. I got extremely depressed and basically started doing the lazy-but-brilliant thing of completely ignoring homework or in-class work but performing spectacularly well on tests or essays in the classes that I wasn’t catastrophically failing

I was the only person at the school who got a perfect score on the vocab part of my SAT. I was the only honors kid who hadn’t been in SAT prep classes. There was only one other kid who graduated with the same number of units as I had, we’d outstripped the valedictorian and salutatorian but three classes each. I only applied to one college - I got accepted for painting but my interviewer urged me to move to the writing program and I got accepted for that too.

My financial aid didn’t come through and my dad wasn’t willing to cosign for loans on “an art program at a trade school.”

I got accepted to Pratt Institute on their Writing for Publication track which included an internship with the New York Times for third-year students in the program.

At that point I had a Columbia Scholastic Press award for my work on my high school yearbook.

Let me tell you, the community college that I went to and spent five years variously failing and succeeding at had a fucking *killer* newspaper and magazine when I was there. The local community newspaper that hired me when I was 21 was also much better designed and edited than it had any right to be for the three years I worked there (getting paid a whole eight dollars an hour and sometimes working 20 hours straight to get it in to the printer on time).

When I transferred to the state school I got perfect grades and worked full time and won every contest offered by the school’s English Honors society (which I couldn’t join because I was a transfer student and hadn’t done honors classes my freshman and sophomore years). I started a literary magazine with some friends when I graduated; we published four full issues online before it fell apart.

You know what’s also funny?

Even the food-service job I had to pay my way though the community college I felt terrible about attending was a skills test. I was a barista, so of course for a while I was a competitive barista.

I disappointed my parents a lot. I heard a lot of “we know you’re better than this.” I got told I was too smart to be screwing up this bad. I mentioned it a couple weeks ago but my results from that IQ test got compared to my sister’s and that was the justification for holding me to a higher standard. “You’re measurably brilliant, why aren’t you acting like it?”

Here lies the corpse of a gifted kid. Look on my works ye might and despair.

I am the perfect picture of a twice exceptional gifted kid and the reason I wrote all of this out is to tell you one thing:

“Gifted Kid” is a label that someone applied to you, it has nothing to do with who and what you ARE.

It’s very, very unfair that the adults in your life used you that way. I have an exceptionally terrible memory of being singled out as the only one who passed the first test in my IB World History class; “Why is Alli the only one of all of you who is writing at grade level? You’re supposed to be the smartest kids in the school, why did you all fail?”

That’s awful for the kids around you, that’s awful for you. It doesn’t do anybody any favors if people around you are being informed that you’re setting the curve they’ll be judged against. And it really, really doesn’t do YOU any favors because it doesn’t take long *at all* for your brain to learn that that’s all you’re good for. If you aren’t the best at a thing then what’s the point, you HAVE to be best because they already SAID you were best and if you aren’t then all these other people hate you for setting a standard that even you can’t keep up with.

You end up competing with past versions of yourself and focusing on those things that make the grownups in your life praise you because the grownups in your life has praised you in such a way that it’s turned all the other kids against you.

You know who bullied the fuck out of me? The kids I taught the times tables to, the kids I read to for half an hour a day.

Those kids were MEAN to me but the teacher who told me to read Boxcar Kids to the class after lunch everyday was NICE and she told me not to worry, they were just jealous and I should be proud of my gifts.

“Anon did this in three minutes. What’s taking the rest of you so long?” - what a terrible weight to put on a child. You’re right. Not everyone can do everything.

Fucking hell.

Adults what the everloving shit is wrong with us? Please don’t treat kids like that.

Okay.

But here’s the other thing:

If there’s any time in your life that it’s easy to acquire skills with no apparent effort it’s when you’re a child surrounded by a support system that is engaged in making sure that you can acquire those skills.

It took three adults, two dictionaries, and several hours a day to teach me enough sight-words to throw me into “look at baby genius*” territory but from my perspective as a little kid I was just reading cool stories.

I spent four hours a day in the yearbook room and ditched and failed other classes so that I could work on the yearbook. I collected hundreds of magazines to get an eye for layout. But from my perspective as a teenager it was a fun activity that I did with the closest thing I had to friends.

I’m sure that there are some skills that you had a natural aptitude for, some things that came naturally. But I’m also sure that you didn’t learn those skills with no effort, it’s just that now as an adult with a life and other shit going on it takes more effort to learn to do things.

In all likelihood you weren’t a savant who did everything perfectly the first time you tried. It just seems that way because even really smart kids don’t know when they’re bad at things and are mostly being compared against other kids (with the few rare exceptions of music prodigies or math prodigies or those kids who end up in science grad programs at 12 and boy howdy do I think there’s a whole other can of worms when it comes to the way child prodigies* interact with the world).

You wanna know what probably saved my life in the last few years?

That “anti-capitalist love notes” tumblr post.

You are worth more than your productivity.

I was actually kind of offended the first time I saw that post on my dash. “No I’m not,” I thought. “You’re only worth what you can do, everyone knows that. People care about what you do for them.”

And why the hell would I think anything else? That’s what I’d learned for pretty much my whole life.

It took me a really long time to understand that I was wrong. I matter outside of what I can do for people or how well I perform. I matter more than being able to perfectly recite poetry from memory or do calculations on command or sit down at a piano and play a piece I’ve never played by sight-reading it.

And you matter outside of that too. You’re more than your performance, you’re better than being gifted. There are people who love you for the way you make them laugh and how you listen to their stories and for the simple joy of your presence.

It’s nice to be clever, it’s handy in a lot of situations even if it does come with a lot of baggage for some people.

But god damn, it’s important to be kind.

* Personally I have issues with the way that society constructs the concepts of giftedness, genius, and prodigies. There are a lot of “gifted” kids who were the kids who scored in the top 5% of their class in school but there are also gifted kids who were doing high-level math or reading novels as toddlers; there are prodigies who showed an aptitude for music young and who were then schooled in that instrument to the exclusion of all other activities (and I bet there are a fair number of kids who might be considered prodigies if they were trained to play flute for nine hours a day and didn’t have friends but thankfully we don’t *do* that to very many people - side note, ask me my opinion about olympic athletes some time). Words like “genius” and “gifted” are very nearly meaningless and almost *never* accurately reflect skills proficiency or long-term success or are reflected in income or respect. People think that geniuses are hypercompetent robots with their shit together but literally every adult I know with a genius-level IQ is some variety or other of total fucking tire fire.

#congratulations you have unlocked level two of my tragic backstory #long post

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acespec-ed · 4 years ago

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hi!! I was wondering if u could help me? I’m alloaro and I just discovered the term aromid… and it makes me question myself. I’m very unsure if I’m on the asexual spectrum or if I just experience sex repulsion sometimes? I’ve looked at so many acespec labels and cannot find one that actually fits me. literally I’ve seen them all. I haven’t really felt comfortable calling myself ace and I do enjoy saying I’m alloaro but I wonder if I’m actually on the ace spectrum as well… how do I differentiate between sex repulsion and asexuality? For one, I’m hypersexual and feel the need/pressure to be sexual or I’m not good enough… and I do want sex I think? I fantasize about it and I enjoy smut and some art .. but when I visually see nakedness or irl sex… it makes me feel very uncomfortable and I don’t enjoy that. I enjoy the thoughts and fiction and when people are only partially clothed…. but I just have this feeling of repulsion and fear of actually doing it irl (what if I hate it and it makes me uncomfortable?) and when I think about it I do imagine myself and this other person but it’s also hard to actually see us and not just faceless non existing people… and idk how much of me wanting sex is just pressure from hypersexuality or me genuinely having sexual attraction … idk if I really have much of a libido or want for sex?? would I be able to call myself alloaro AND aromid.. as in I’m alloaro but possibly SOMEWHERE on the ace spectrum?.. or maybe I’m just sex repulsed and fully not ace at all? I feel like my situation here makes me unable to call myself alloaro but I AM alloaro and I love being alloaro… I don’t wanna stop saying I am but it also feels like there’s more to it?

same anon from before! I read a post of yours about the umm “allos see ‘cake�� and immediately know they want to eat it” and it confuses me … idk what I experience? I see fictional characters and I can go “they look sexy I am attracted to them maybe if want to have sex with them?” I see people and ??? idk sometimes I get unwanted thoughts of having sex with friends when I don’t actually want to or find attractive…I can see people and think they’re sexy/attractive .. but idk if I’d think “yeah I’d have sex with them” I mean it depends bc I think someone can imagine having sex with someone and enjoy it and want it but would they actually wanna seriously have sex with that stranger without having any connection with them…? Sex is scary so I’d need to know and trust them maybe… be scared to show my body..but I don’t think I’d be comfortable calling myself demi? Idk I don’t get this .. do I look at someone and immediately think whether I’d want to have sex with them or not? I really don’t know … also.. so…. Libido is just wanting sex in general and sexual attraction is wanting specific people?… how do I differentiate all of this it’s so confusing! I guess MAYBE I do look at peopl and go “wow they’re pretty/sexy id want sex” BUT I DONT KNOW LIKE IDK HOW TO EXPLAIN IT… am I not allo WHATS going on here .. can you explain what it would be like to be sex repulsed AND allo instead of ace? and the difference between that and being ace and sex repulsed? thank u

I’m so sorry I’m saying so much I just have no one to talk to :C … but um… someone told me “if you’re sex repulsed .. you’re still allo unless you feel like u don’t relate to being allo anymore” and I’m honestly so confused because…. do my weird feelings towards sex influence my sexuality? do I still feel connected to being allo? personally I feel like these feelings are ones allo people don’t typically have ..plus I’ve always felt bad for not being sexual enough or feeling the same sexual feelings as people/ (also why do I have sex repulsion I don’t think I rlly had much sexual trauma going on.. some little incidents but still??) and if I told allo people these feelings… they would not relate and would think I’m weird for it ..but an ace person might relate and would understand … I feel like it does influence how I see my sexuality/attraction and complicates things…however.. I feel like I can’t call myself acespec bc often I want sex (even with a specific person.. although they look different when I imagine them and also don’t exactly have a Look/face/body in my head..same with me) often and I’m hypersexual so I like over sexualizing myself …plus I like saying I’m alloaro and don’t want to let go of it… nor do I want to ID with a specific ace spec label.. I’d like to just say I’m ace (just like how I call myself aromantic even when I’m specifically gray romantic) why can’t I just be ace and not ace at the same time or in between I don’t know 😭…. what do allos experience how is their life like with sexual attraction and how is someone’s life like without sexual attraction … I don’t get it at alllllll

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I saw you sent three asks and decided to combine them all in this post to make answering this easier. Just reading these asks are making my head spin, so I can only imagine how confused you must feel. And it's fine that you're sending so many asks- I know what it's like to have no one to talk to about things.

I'll start this off by saying you can call yourself whatever you feel most comfortable calling yourself. And if it's alloaro, then of course you can keep calling yourself alloaro. You do sound like you could fit somewhere on the ace spectrum, but I couldn't tell you where.

A lot of what I'm about to say you might already know, since it sounds like you've been doing your own bit of research, but here I go.

Whether or not you desire sex on its own doesn't determine if you're asexual. If you've never felt any urges to have sex with anyone specific, then you haven't experienced sexual attraction. So it's helpful to remove your interest in sex itself, along with libido, when questioning. Focus it all on if you've wanted sex with anyone in particular. If the answer is no, or very rarely, it's likely you could be on the asexual spectrum. You mentioned you've experienced it towards someone specific, so it sounds to me like you'd be in the gray area, if on it at all.

I will say, it is totally normal to be nervous, and even scared, of having sex at first. A lot of allos are able to get over this fear- possibly because of sexual attraction. I first felt sexual attraction towards my boyfriend, and though I was repulsed, I wanted to do sexual things with him so bad I was able to get over the fear and disgust through slow exposure. So I think sexual attraction on its own is a huge motivator to "get over" sex repulsion and go for it.

Of course, you should never do anything you are not comfortable doing. And never force yourself into doing any sexual activities. A lot of aces have ended up with trauma over that sort of thing. The reason I went for it was because I naturally became comfortable with things escalating as time went on. Kinda like exposure therapy, I guess.

I'm not sure if you already saw it, but I did write this post on an experience I had where I was sex-repulsed by someone I was sexually attracted to. So it is possible to be sex-repulsed and sexually attracted to a person, but I understand how hard it can be to tell for sure.

I can't tell you what it's like to be allo. But other than the few times I've experienced sexual attraction, I lived my life with a libido directed towards no one, fluctuating between being sex-indifferent and repulsed, and occasionally getting a crush I had no sexual attraction towards.

As for what it’s like being sex-repulsed and ace: I can’t imagine having sex with anyone. I just can’t. Every time I get a crush, I try to imagine sex with them, and my brain just shuts that off. It wants nothing to do with those thoughts. Sex-repulsed with sexual attraction: It’s only happened twice and the first time (with my bf) I had no idea wtf was going on and it was 10 years ago so I can’t remember enough to tell you aside from what I’ve already said. The other time though, I wasn’t 100% sure if it was sexual attraction at first- but my body became aroused at the sight of him, and the arousal went away when he left. But when I thought of sex with him, I was grossed out. But I kept forcing myself to think of sex with him, and grew more comfortable with the idea. And the more I thought about it, the more I figured, “hey, maybe I am sexually attracted to him.”

Every person is different though.

I can totally understand your confusion because some of your experiences sound like you’re allo and some sound like you could be acespec. I honestly don’t know what else to say or what answers to give. I will say this though: I strongly doubt any allo has had to question their allosexuality as much as you are.

But circling back to what I first said: you can label yourself as whatever you feel most comfortable with. It’s okay if you don’t fit the exact definitions of an identity 100%. Every person is different, even those sharing the same label. And if you decide your experiences are just too complicated for a label, you don’t need one either.

Sorry if this was all over the place, but I hope it was somewhat helpful!

#asks #side note but if you have any follow up questions i probably won't get to them until tomorrow evening cuz work

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bowl-of-shortness · 4 years ago

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*Sending this anonymously since I'm not out* (please don't try to out me, I will cry. If you think you might know who I am, pls don't ask if you're right. I have anxiety and I'm scared to share this as is)

So what you said about being asexual and demiromantic and not feeling like you can contribute to conversations, I FELT that.

I feel like the only way to join conversations about attractive people is by lying. I feel so guilty because I have never figured out what else to do. They all just look like people?

I've literally created a checklist in my head of society's standards because I have no idea what else to judge on. Calling everyone beautiful feels so fake but to me they just... are. People are only "ugly" to me when they're mean. Like to me, beauty is based on personality and I dont understand how other people do it. How can you rate a face without a story? (Like I can only do that when I assume things about people's lives based on their looks??? And it's normally wrong assumptions because "don't judge people based off looks alone" is correct??? Yet people just... do this? Like "they're hot" but isn't that what you're not supposed to do, like???)

I recently came out to my best friends as ace, and even then, they still bring it up every time they're rating people or talking attractive characters, as in the "we know you have no opinion or whatever" and I hate it. Like now that they know I'm ace, it feels like they're actively pushing me out of conversations or want to see what an ace rates them as. (They wouldn't if I asked, but it's kinda fun to participate, I feel more normal. Even if I am just lying) I feel a bit uncomfortable rating people because they think it's based of asthetics but to me I'm just making up numbers. (Its less lying now that they know I'm not sexually attracted to people, but it still hurts. It's nice that they recognize I don't relate and I'm not banning a conversation topic, it just hurts and I'll just take it silently instead of making a fuss. I guess this is just what I was just born to endure, huh.)

Literally, people used to ask me if my ex (SO at the time) was cute or whatever and I always said yes. I was making it up because ya know, I didn't feel that way. I had NO sexual attraction to them but I sold that lie to be normal. I finally came to terms with the fact that I am asexual recently, almost a year to the date I broke up with the only SO I ever forced myself to have. (That tale is a tragedy and I have massive amounts of guilt for the lies I told them to sell that I was a normal hetero cis person. I did so much wrong by them and I hope someday I can forgive myself for it.)

I thought I was bi when I first let myself belive I'm not a normal straight because I felt the same level of attraction across the gender spectrum. (I accepted how I felt about the person of the opposite gender was a crush and then realized I felt the same way about someone of the same gender. That was a crisis) Zero equals zero, wasn't really lying.

Anyway, all that to say that:

You are valid and realateable AF. Conversations about attraction is so uncomfortable and isolating and I'm so thankful you're brave enough to bring it up

I'm also really trying to figure out if I'm panromantic, or demiromantic, or whatever and I'm unsure what to do. Why can't there just be an accurate uquiz.... :(

Like, I think I may be demi something because I have literally only ever had "crushes" on my best friends. I'm not 100% sure what a crush is, but I'm assuming that when I tell myself "don't think of your friends like that, that's wierd" that I'm just mad at myself for acquiring a crush on my bestie.

I have no one to talk to about this because they are firm believers in not dating friends (both have been burned) and I am terrified they'll find out that I can't imagine a relationship with anyone other than a best friend. Like what do I do? I'm so tired fam. I don't think they will be mad if I tell them I'm demi romantic (I'm currently going with panromantic since that just seems easier) and I'm scared they'll find out I realized my sexuality through crushed I had on them, since they're opposite genders and I've had the same "crush" on both of them.

Only wanting romance with friends is so hard because to most people, friends aren't for dating but for talking about potential dates and I hate it.

It's nice to know that I'm following a fellow ace person who gets the romantic struggle. I think you're an icon, and I'm glad that you're in a place where you can be out.

I know we're not close or anything, but I'm really happy to know that there's someone else out there who I can relate to when I can't say a word anywhere else. I hate keeping up the charade, but I'm not in the kind of place where I can drop it. If you're interested in my situation and why I'm forever closeted, I've got quite the tale. but I've ranted enough here. (I won't force my life story on you, I know you want a positive blog and this ramble isn't very positive. I can shut up and vanish if you never want to hear from me again)

Thanks for having your anons on <3

I wish I could dm you and just chat (if you were even interested) but I can't (IRL people know my Tumblr and I dont want to make a new one unless it's necessary.) If there's anything you wanna chat about, I hope I stumble across it on my dash. I hope its okay if I hide behind anon asks.

Thanks for representing people like me. Sorry for the ramble, I guess I needed to get more off my mind than I realized. Thanks for being a safe space to vibe for a while. It's nice to be around other, perfectly valid people like me. I look up to you in a sense ♡

(But seriously, if this is too much drama and you don't want me to do this again, you don't even need to post this I won't bother you again without your consent)

I- wow.

That’s really all I can say.

I’m very glad that you feel just as recognized here as an asexual as you should be. And I know what every single one of these struggles is like. Personally, I never Liked to force things onto myself which has been Both a blessing and a curse.

It’s great because I don’t have to deal with a relationship but over time people stop wanting to be around you for it. But eventually, I found a friend group who respected what I did and didn’t want to talk about. And unfortunately even though some people may be nice and friendly to you, that doesn’t mean that you and that person are going to click.

I think you might want to start being more open about not wanting to talk about these things when you’re around them, and if that’s scary and difficult, start small. I get it. But the more you stay quiet and the more morning is going to change.

So yea, I don’t mind the ask! I guess I didn’t even realize that me just openly existing as Aspec was a huge thing to a lot of people, so I’m glad I could help, I hope everything gets better for you anon. Have a lovely day/afternoon/evening 💖💖💖

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lucidpantone · 4 years ago

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Just been catching up on your latest asks and gossip and I find the Moyo split social media/cut clips stuff you were talking about so so interesting.

Like if they decided to ditch stuff I would normally assume it was because of the reaction they were seeing from fans and they’d try and adjust to placate us. But our reaction was about the choice of Romi/Kato and the flaws with herrrr so why you’d try and fix that by cutting the stuff with the character we’d all wanted to see is beyond me 🤷🏼‍♀️

Maybe it was less about reactions and more about trying to fashion a more coherent plot with one focus and get in depth with that instead, but hey they didn’t do that either sooo no idea!

similar anon: May fav part about the influencer apology is that wtfock is so out of touch that they actually think that they work when an influencer sits down and fakes sincerity and regret. Also kato still hasn’t owned her own mistakes and actions, she continue to blame it on others. She legit hasn’t grown as a character at all and it’s sad that the writers are so out of touch they can see these major plot and character issues.

similar anon: Can you tell anything about those really really weird and annoying instagram captions? Like when they were trying so hard to force us to ship kato and moyo, and even did a selection for them with hearts and things like that? Was that something the production told the interns to do? 'cause it was extra cringy, like there's nothing more awkward when you have to beg people to ship two characters.

Lets talk about the whole social approach after the cut

I feel like the whole social media approach this season was fucking bizarre. I think in their minds they had this whole super interactive social approach with the influencer apology and broerrs vlogs and dancing moyo clips in essence they did but they never followed through with any angle. Its like kato’s tik tok what happened? Moyo was posting a ton of dance clips before the season began and then he stopped? but why wasnt he promoting the competition on his insta? he post dance stuff all the time so that was weird. The broerrs plot about being more active in the vlogs didn't happen until the season was at the end but the broerrs/dance collab was like ep2/3 so we went weeks with no vlogs. Everything would get set up and nothing was followed through with. Same with Kato being an influencer I wouldn't haven't minded the influencer angle if she was an actual influencer doing lives, posting non-stop, doing dumb tik tok videos. For her to be an influencer they needed to flood all her social threads to make it feel realistic but they obviously stop posting about her because the fandom hated her so then whatever plan they had they changed out to be more moyo centric/squad post which felt really odd because Kato’s whole plot was being an influencer so they took the one plot device away they assigned to her. I personally dont think the writer and the social team sat together to outline the plot from a clip pov and social pov which is so dumb because thats literally SKAM (trans media and all). Like i said this B team had no idea what they were doing or they just got so overwhelmed they didn't know how to respond to the fandom. Also the fact that wtfock actually thought we should ship kato and moyo after she accused him of crime, racially profiled him, spread rumors about him and constantly reminded him how she was doing him a favor by dating him. Wtfock really played themselves didn't they........dumbs dumbs they were.

#lucidpantone anons

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flower-of-the-desert · 5 years ago

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hey, i really liked your posts about ep12, it helped me a lot to put things into perspective. i was wondering if you could share your thoughts on the 2gether finale as well, coz right now i just wanna cry im so disappointed with it =(

Aww, thank you, anon. <3

Ok so my thoughts on the finale are kind of all over the place but I’ll try to explain as best as I can and hopefully it’s gonna make sense.

Like I said, in my original post I dont love the ep but I dont hate it either. I suppose I fall somewhere in the middle. I enjoyed a lot of it - seeing all the couples progress and be happy together, Man/Type especially were just so adorable, Mil and Phukong starting to build something with each other (lil bro using Sarawat’s pick up line was a really nice touch, love that), Mil being an all around awesome supportive friend to BOTH Tine and Wat?? We love to see it. The way he turned up at the football field where Wat was being his angsty self and literally kicked his butt into taking action - *chef’s kiss*

Him and Fong are now the parents of the baby gays I dont make the rules.

Wat’s confession on stage and his song that he literally named after Tine and when he said he never confessed to Pam because he didnt know what love was before he met Tine - perfection. Absolute perfection. I’m here for it.

And Tine’s heartbreak was so well done too, I just felt so much for him.

Again, as I said, the whole thing with Pam didnt turned out exactly as I had hoped but it wasnt the worst case scenario either so I’ll take it. I’d rather have Pam making a mistake and realising it and backing off while assuring Tine that Wat really does love HIM and even though she tried Pam didnt stand a chance because it’s always gonna be Tine for Sarawat and she understands that now over her being an actual bitch who keeps trying to seperate them and uses the situation to her advantage. I mean they could have gone that way too - Pam didnt have to give Tine that recording or to tell him how Wat changed after meeting him but she did, I think, as her own way of apologizing for what she’d done. So yeah, overall, I’m fine with this.

ALSO NOBODY DIED SO THAT’S A BIG PLUS.

(History 3 MODC can’t relate)

ANYWAY, so those are the positives for me. Which as it turns out is most of the episode yay! Now onto what wasnt quite so positive.

My main issue with this episode is the resolution to Wat and Tine’s conflict. Mainly, there really... wasnt one. And I’m not talking about the physical intimacy thing, I’ll touch on that later but more importantly for the ending - the emotional intimacy. None of the problems they had were properly addressed. Tine’s insecurities were rooted so deeply that despite Wat spending 12 EPISODES doing anything and everything to show his love and adoration, Tine still couldnt really believe it. And that’s not gonna be resolved with a simple recording.

And on the other hand, can you image how all of this would make Sarawat feel? Like no matter what he does, no matter how much of himself he gives to Tine, his boyfriend still would find it easier to believe that Wat is just using him as a replacement for someone else. That’s gonna fuck with his head even if Tine came back. I really really wished they had talked at least a little about these things.

Like maybe if we didnt have half of the episode filled with pointless flashbacks there could have been time to actually talk... (tbh, part of me kind of wonders if they purposefully put in so many flashbacks to fill in the air time so they wouldnt HAVE to write those scenes which leaves me ?????).

I think I mentioned this too in the other post, but the Wat/Tine reunion echoes beat for beat the Fighter/Tutor reunion with all its issues but while WhyRU has a reason for why things turned out like that, here I just... I dont know what could have been the reason for 2gether’s writers? Unless they also couldnt film everything they wanted...

And then there’s the... “high-five controversy”, let’s call it and again I find myself in the middle of the argument. I stand by what I’ve said before about how I feel about the way they handled physical intimacy between the characters - yes, objectively and critically speaking, I’m not here for writers/directors/channel/whoever trying to censor the physical intimacy of an established couple. There is nothing wrong with two partners wanting to kiss/cuddle/have sex/etc. Sex isnt something dirty (I mean it can be depending on what you’re writing BUT THAT’S A DIFFERENT GENRE OK, we are not talking about smutty fic here cough cough) and shameful that “pure” people shouldnt be enjoying (lovely post on the topic here I was just thinking about it last night). And it’s about time show creators got with the programme, ESPECIALLY when it comes to non-straight couples.

As of ep13 it’s clear to me that 2gether went through some serious censorship - lots of people have talked about how it’s a thing that they do on this particular channel and maybe that’s all it is, I dont know. I dont want to speculate what’s been going on behind the scenes since I dont have any idea and sadly I dont think the writers will ever be willing to talk about it. I’d LOVE to hear their throughts on this matter tbh and why they decided to do things this way.

So on an objective level, this is bullshit. Subjectively, and this is where my personal opinion comes in, I wasnt as bothered by this as I normally would be because I’ve been enjoying all the other aspects of the relationship that the show successfully built up and prtrayed on screen. Does that make sense?

Specifically about the finale, though, I agree with the complains. Part of why the reunion felt so underwhelming and disappointing, I think, was not only the lack of emotional intimacy but also the hella.... awkward? physical “intimacy” they showed? The scene absolutely did call for a kiss or a hug, at the very least. Instead they were standing 2 feet apart cause... they’re not gay? I really really do not understand what happened there in that scene. I’ve seen some people mention that the finale was filmed before the other episodes so the actors werent used to each other yet and honestly I can see it - watching Tine and Wat in that ending montage felt like I was watching them at the beginning of their fake dating when both were awkward and unsure of where they stood with each other rather than seeing an established in love couple coming back together after going through something tough.

So these are my thoughts on the finale. It wasnt the best one I’ve ever seen but not bad enough to ruin the rest of the show for me (and there’s NOTHING I hate more than bad endings ruining a story I’ve fallen in love with so there’s that) and I do really love this show and its characters so much. It’s hard, even impossivle to find a perfect show from start to finish and honestly I’ve come to believe that’s not as important as what you get out of it - if the show makes you happy, despite whatever writing issues it might have, that’s the most important thing, I think. And 2gether did that for me. So I’m glad I watched it.

Omg, this got so long. Again. If you’re still with me, anon, you’re a hero. I hope I was able to help you. <3

#bl drama #2gether the series #Anonymous

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luxexhomines · 5 years ago

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Hi! Can I have images for maki, shuichi, and rantaro who are dating an S/O who is struggling with their weight due to medical/allergy reasons (for reference, it's called exercise induced anaphylaxis) and is feeling self concious? If you dont want to write an overweight S/O then you can just do the self concious bit

Hi, anon! Thanks for the request. Sorry that it took me forever to fulfill (I thought I wasn’t going to ever get to the requests at the bottom of my inbox, but I looked back and thought I’d like to do some). Icon credit to mckindonalds!

It wasn’t an easy request for me to fulfill since I wasn’t sure what was appropriate for the reader to say or exactly how they felt about it, but this is kind of just a piece of comfort in each one. I hope you find something that you like in these imagines, although I’m unsure if this is what you were hoping for exactly. Hopefully, Maki isn’t too OOC because I didn’t make her very tsundere at all. Under the cut, since altogether it makes the post rather long.

Maki, Shuichi, & Rantaro x S/O with Exercise-Induced Anaphylaxis

Maki Harukawa

Maki rapped on the door politely. She had manners, unlike a certain someone she might name. After a short while, you came to the door.

“Sorry,” you apologized. “I didn’t-”

“You didn’t want to move too fast in case you got sick,” she finishes for you. “I understand,” she says. Contrary to her cold demeanor, her dark red eyes softened around the edges as she looked at you, her beloved, and she came inside the house with the slightest of smiles playing at her lips.

You lead her to your room, and the two of you sit on the floor and chat. At first, it was only idle chatter: what each of you’d been up to recently, and how the summer weather was treating you. But somehow, you end up saying the words, the feelings you had never wanted to reveal to her.

“I hate this. I wish I could be normal,” you say spitefully before gasping and covering your mouth. You desperately tried to bite back the tears and stared at the floor heatedly. All the tears you’d been swallowing day after day, night after night, year after year. You could do it again.

You felt a hand grab yours, and you looked to see Maki’s small but strong grasp on yours. You felt weaker than ever.

“Hey. Look at me,” she says, and you do. Her eyes are filled with concern and a tinge of sadness. You chew on your lip softly.

“Maki?”

She grabs your other hand in hers, too, and somehow it only triggered more feelings you thought you’d left behind long ago. Feelings you buried never really went away; they marinated in the new feelings and warped, but they were still here. Feelings of shame, rage, and self-hatred.

“Is it so bad to show your weakness to me?” Maki says quietly. “You know I was an assassin, and I’ve talked to you about all the ugly, terrible things I’ve done and seen. They’re not the same at all, but that’s my weakness, and I’ve shared it with you.”

You tighten your hold on Maki’s hand slightly. Somehow, your hands fit together so perfectly.

“I thought my weakness was obvious,” you said self-deprecatingly, throwing a wayside glance at yourself. Your body.

She shakes her head firmly. Without letting go of your hands, she gets on her knees and shifts over closer to you, so that your bodies are almost touching.

“I know you struggle with losing weight because of your condition,” she says. “But I hadn’t realized that you’d been suffering so much.”

Maki sounded sorrowful. It was maybe the most emotion you’d ever felt from her, aside from when she had been talking about her time as an assassin or was pissed off by certain people.

“...Are you disappointed?” you say. You didn’t want to hear the answer if it was yes, but you still asked anyway.

“No. Never,” she replies, and she looks you right in the eye. “You’re just as strong as you’ve always been. But there’s no harm in sharing your worries and pains with me. I’m your partner. I’m supposed to be here for you, and I want to be here for you.”

You attempt a weak smile.

“Is it a part of the contract?”

She sighs.

“I’m serious, s/o.”

“So am I,” you joke, and you feel the heaviness in your heart slowly dissolving.

Maki presses her forehead to yours.

The funny thing about being in a relationship with Maki was that she was so much more daring and affectionate than she would’ve been once her feelings were returned. She wasn’t as cold, per se, as she was before you two were together.

“I love you, s/o.”

Your breath was whisked away by those words, and you froze.

Maki squeezed your hands gently. “...s/o? Hey, are you not breathing or something?”

Right. She was close enough to tell.

You breathed in slowly.

“Are you sure?” you say. But you know the answer. She wouldn’t say what she doesn’t mean.

“I’m sure,” she laughs, and she kisses you sweetly. “You’re beautiful.”

More words that would take away your breath. But you breathe normally this time. She was sweeter than any air you could ever take in, though.

“I love you too, Maki. And for the record, I’m the ugly one in this relationship.”

She pouts and draws away slightly, releasing your hands and putting her hands on your shoulders instead so she can look you in the face from the right distance.

“That would be me,” she says. “You’re always smiling, and you have the most beautiful smile ever. Tell me if anyone says anything to oppose that, and I’ll punch them for you.”

You chuckle.

“Your services are always appreciated, but that’s alright. I can punch them myself,” you respond. “But fine. Neither of us is the ugly one. We can both be beautiful.”

Maki nods in satisfaction.

“We are both beautiful.”

You can’t help giggling at her statement. It would sound so funny out of context. She leans in and tweaks your nose slightly. “And what are you laughing at, huh?”

You bat at her hand.

“Hey!”

You fall into a fit of laughter with her, and the two of you lie on the ground, cheeks hurting from smiles and joy. Somehow, it was so easy to feel at ease around her. Even your most heavily guarded worries and pains seemed to sprout wings and fly away in her presence.

“Thanks, Maki.”

“What for?” she says and turns to look at you. Her serious expression makes your heart skip a beat, and you wet your lips nervously. Sometimes you still felt like you just had a crush on her instead of being in a real relationship with her.

“Never mind that,” you reply, and you roll over and press a kiss to her lips. “I need to recharge.”

She arches an eyebrow.

“Oh? Well, now that you mention it, so do I.”

You find yourself in her warm embrace and rather preoccupied for the rest of the day.

Shuichi

“Shuichi?”

The two of you were sitting on the couch and, up until that time, had been reading quietly in companionship with each other. He set his book down, probably sensing something in your tone.

“Yes?”

You weren’t looking at him, although he had now turned to look at you. Instead, you were poking at your round tummy.

“Why am I like this?”

He reached out and grabbed your hand, stopping you from poking yourself. You glanced at him, and his dirty gold eyes were serious.

“Like what?”

You sighed.

“You know.”

He shook his head stubbornly, looking irritated for once.

“No, I don’t.”

You struggled to take back your hand, but instead, he somehow made it so the two of you were holding hands snugly.

“Ugh. Why do I look like this?” you complained and avoided eye contact with him. He was surprisingly persistent when it came to you saying things like this.

He pulled you closer to him so that you were leaning on him, and let go of your hand only to wrap his arm around you.

“You look like you. You look lovely.”

You groaned.

“But I don’t want to look like this. It’s because I can’t exercise that I’m like this.”

“Do you think your true self lies elsewhere?” he asks. “Do you think this body isn’t you?”

You pondered.

“I don’t really know because I’ve pretty much always been like this. Of course, my body has changed since childhood, but...I’ve never lived without this.”

There was contemplative silence for a while. Shuichi seemed to always compel you to think more about everything in his presence.

“...I still love you either way. I know it’s hard, but I’m here for you,” he says solemnly. “I won’t let you just agonize over this alone. You’re my s/o, after all.”

You turn your head to look at him, and you’re suddenly aware of how close in proximity the two of you are.

“Is that a promise?” you say, one side of your lips quirking upwards.

He leans in and boops your nose with his own.

“Always.”

Rantaro

You were lying on the bed side-by-side with Rantaro, cuddling. He was gently petting your head, as he sometimes did, and you leaned into his touch. It was comfortable and soothing. It would be easy to fall asleep under these circumstances. You sighed.

“Is something wrong?” he said, sounding slightly concerned. “I think that’s the fifth time you’ve sighed today.”

“I...no, it’s nothing. I was just thinking.”

He peered into your eyes curiously.

“About what?”

You sighed again.

“About my condition. And how I wouldn’t look like this if I didn’t have it.”

He didn’t say much for a moment, just continued to pet your head. Then, he responded.

“Do you not like your appearance?”

You bit your lip softly.

“I wish I was thinner.”

“And why is that?”

You reached out and played with a lock of his wavy green hair.

“Because...I would be more good-looking.”

Rantaro was quiet for another few seconds, looking contemplative.

“Do you honestly think you would be more good-looking if you were thinner, or is that what society’s conditioned you into thinking? That thinner is more beautiful or handsome?”

You were frustrated and looked away from those probing eyes.

“Well, it’s not like it’s just that I wish I was thinner because I think I’m ugly. My condition isn’t exactly healthy.”

He stopped moving for a moment and then continued to pet your head.

“You’re right, I’m sorry. Since we’d just been talking about your appearance at first… Well, it’s not an excuse. Aside from your condition causing health issues, I still think you’re as good-looking as good-looking gets, though.” He smiles in that casual, carefree way of his, and you can’t help but forgive him.

“Alright, alright. Your opinion is the only one that matters, huh?” You arch an eyebrow and smirk at him. “Pretty boy.”

He raised his hands in defense.

“Hey, I was born this way.”

You rolled your eyes and lightly punched him on the shoulder.

“You were born this way, but you dress this way on purpose.”

“Ouch,” he grins. “But true. And yes, for the record, my opinion is the only one that matters. At least, when it comes to you. ‘Cause I love you, and I’m blessed to have you in my life.”

You freeze for a moment and then grinned back at him.

“I love you too, Rantaro. And I’m lucky to be loved by you.”

He pulls you into his embrace and affectionately smooches you on your forehead.

“Ditto.”

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