#i dont know why its so hard for me to comprehend how to draw its thinness as he got older | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

anonymoosen · 1 year ago

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AHAAHA- SORRY FOR THE LONG ESSAY-ISH TEXT BUT I LOVE THIS WAY TOO MUCH NOT TO FANGIRL FOR OKAY!?!?

YOU DONT HAVE TO READ THIS BTW ITS JUST ME CRAZILY FANGIRLING ABOUT THIS LOLL

ANYWAY-

AHHHDSHHDNSJDSNDJSJ I KNEW THE WIP WAS GONNA BE AMAZIM, BUT THIS WHOLE THING— IT BLEW ME AWAY UNTIL I ENDED UP IN ANOTHER UNIVERSE

OKAY SO FIRST THINGS FIRST- THE FACT THAT U NOT JUST DREW THE CUTE KID VERSIONS, BUT ALSO THE SUPER ATTRACTIVE ADULT VERSIONS OF THE GANG LIKE I KNOW HOW HARD IT IS TO DRAW LIKE 4 CHARACTERS

BUT NO- YOU DIDNT DRAW 4, BUT FRIGGIN FREAAAKING 8!! LIKE- WHOAAAA THE MOTIVATION I CANT LIKE I CANT COMPREHEND THIS TALENT OF YOURS ITS TOO GOOD (PLUS ITS NOT JUST 8 SINCE U ADDED GIR AND MIMI AND THE ROBOT SO BASICALLY- AHHHDHSJDJSJDJEJE UR MOTIVATION IS SO MUCH HOWWWWW!?!?)

ALSO, U NEED TO HAVE MORE FREEDOM MORE OFTEN CUZ LEAVING YOU TO DO ALL OF THISSSS!?! THIS- THIS MASTERPIECE!?! THIS IS RLLY TOO GOOD AHHDHSHD

I LOVE YOUNG DIB AND ZIMS REACTION TO THEIR OLDER SELVES DATING- LIKE YOUNG DIBS SO ANGRY AND CONFUSED ABOUT IT AND HES LIKE: “DUDE- AM I REALLY THAT DUMB!? WHY WLD I CHOOSE MY ENEMY AS A BF!?” WELL, DIB, ITS CUZ ENEMIES TO LOVERS EXIST, DUHHH

ALSOOOO I LOVE HOW ZIMS JUST SQUEEZING HIS DOLL IN ANGER THATS SO CUTE- YOUNG ZIM AND DIB ARE JUST YELLING AT THEIR OLDER SELVES I CANT I LOVE THIS KDMSMDMSK

AND ALSOOO (IM GONNA SAY ALSO A LOT CUZ THERES SRSLY A LOTTA GREAT THINGS ABOUT UR ART!!)

OLDER DIB JUST GRINNING AT ZIM SMUGLY!? THATS SO- THATS SO CUTE!?!? WHY IS THIS SO CUTE AHHDHSD DIBS TEASING ZIM LIKE THE SMUG ROMANTIC JERK HE IS I LOVE THEIR DYNAMIC SO MUCH- BOTH THE YOUNG DIB AND ZIM AND THE OLDER VERS OF THEM

NOWWWW LETS FOCUS ON TAGR!! (YES I STILL HAVE A LOT MORE TO SAY CUZ- WHO WOULDNT HAVE A LOT TO SAY ABOUT THIS BEAUTY??)

OKAY- SO FOR THE YOUNG TAGR- AT THAT YOUNG AGE, GAZ IS ALREADY SHOWING HER SOFT SIDE FOR TAK BY PETTING HER HEAD- ITS A SMALL BUT SUPER SWEET GESTURE THAT MEANS A LOT TO ME HERE CUZ GAZ IS USUALLY SOMEONE WHO WOULDNT DO THOSE THINGS

AND YOUNG TAK IS CONFUSED BY THE GESTURE BUT OFC, IS RLLY INTO IT- SHES SO FRIGGIN CUTE OMG- GUYSYSYS LOOK AT HER BEAUTIFUL EYES AND HOW SHES HOLDING HER OTHER ARM IN CONFUSION AND HOW CRUCI DREW HER CAT HOODIE-

AND NOW FOR THE OLDER VERSION OF TAGR- ITS A BIG JUMP FROM JUST ZIMPLE HEAD PATS TO ADORABLE CUDDLING I LOVE HOW U PORTRAYED THEIR GROWTH IN THEIR RELATIONSHIP THEYRE SO FRIGGIN PRECIOUS SCREEEEEEEE

AND I ALSO LOVE HOW TAGR CONTRASTS ZADR HERE- THE BOYS ARE BEING ROWDY AND IN DENIAL ABOUT THEIR FUTURE RELATIONSHIP AND THE GIRLS ARE JUST ACCEPTING OF IT, LIKE U SAID, THEYRE JUST CHILLING AND ALL

ANYWAY, OTHER THAN THE ADORABLE SHIPS, IMMA TALK ABOUT HOW FRIGGIN GORGEOUS U MADE GAZ’S HAIR— SHES SO PRETTY!?!? I RLLY LOVE UR RENDERING SKILLS AHHHH

AND AGAIN, UR ART STYLE MAKES THINGS LOOK SO REALISTIC LIKE THE DETAILS IN THIS IS SO WELL DRAWN!! ALSO, THE ROBOTS— I DIDNT NOTICE THE PIG ONE EARLIER BUT I DO NOW AND I WANNA SAY HOW COOL IT LOOKS AHHHSHWHS

MIMI LOOKS SO COOL, GIR IS ADORABLE AND I LOVE HOW U DREW THE EXPRESSION FOR THE PAJAMA PARTY ROBOT! THEYRE ALL SO CUTE SCREEEEEEEEEEE

@porcelainfreak-zacrucian, U RLLY ARE THE COOLEST AND MORE PPL SHLD FOLLOW U CUZ- HOLY FRIGGIN DANGGG UR ART TRULY AMAZES ME

I'm done!!! I am finally fucking done! I did it!!! It's done! Fuck- GOD DAMN THIS COUCH IS OVERCROWDED

So I wanted to participate in @bonniecupcake 's art competition from the moment I saw it at the very least just for fun-

-And then I absolutely. Completely procrastinated until the last moment because finals ate my ass. And now I'm super late. Verrry late. But that's. Besides the point.

I also would like to explain why there are. Eight characters (and three robot characters) instead of four- And the explanation is practically. It's difficult for me to draw children. At least mentally it takes a lot of uh. Trusting the process. And so I wanted to do something that would make the whole thing easier and more fun for me. And somehow now I have eight fucking characters here which, admittedly, was hell, but it was fun hell, which is essentially just art so I believe! Brain trickery? Nailed it.

Also I just decided that adding older ZaDr and TaGr would be interesting and practically you just shouldn't. You just shouldn't give me freedom like that really. Because I'm gonna use it and create a little scenario in my head where all of them sat down to watch a shitty melodrama and no one is paying attention, because while the Taks and Gazs are just vibing, Dibs and Zims are arguing very loudly whether or not true love exists. Older Dib, by the way, is the only one saying that it does. His younger self is quite disappointed at him getting soft, and older Zim? Flustered. Super flustered. Or a different way to describe this situation: older Zim and Dib have been in a romantic relationship for a while now and NO ONE out of the four can resist being a little immature bitch about it!

#invader zim #dib membrane #zim #zadr #dib #zadf #gaz membrane #invader tak #tagr #PAJAMA PARTY #art contest #dtiys

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witch-hazels-musings · 3 years ago

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I'm curious of how characters would use their visions in the bedroom 👀 Like, Kaeya would totally do temperature control stuff.

Could I request headcannons or narratives for how Diluc and Albedo would use their visions for your pleasure? (or for theirs 😳)

Note: I believe vision can only be used when they are in the possession of the person they were gifted to ( primary reason: Diluc giving his away - if anyone could have used it he would have given it to his father, and if he didn’t really need it to use his vision, he wouldn’t have taken it back )

Warning -> slightly funny? 18+ OMG PLEASE RESPECT THE 18+! NS_FW!!!! ( foreign penetration, voyeurism (Alb), burning clothes, no injury, held against wall (D), orgasm denial, foreplay, hydro bondage, hydro foreplay, voyeurism (C))

Character X GN Reader | Anthology

( okay … so this one is gonna be the strangest one I’ve ever done?, and I’m apologizing right now for it --- i’m literally so embarrassed, ima hide under my desk DONT JUDGE ME T.T )

Includes: Albedo (i’m sorry), Childe, Diluc

Albedo

A vision in the hands of Albedo is a tool for many uses - he sees it less as proof of his power and more of a means to an end - it’s an extension of what he has available and he’s learned to adapt it to any possible scenario

Now he’s learned there are ways he can use it to satiate you while he continues to do his work - and, if he’s feeling especially devious, inquisitive to the point of combustion, he may just watch

“Alb--bedo …” You adjusted, legs pressed together so intensely that you thought you might break your kneecaps. Shaking hands gripped onto the closest thing they could while you did your best to stay seated just where he placed you.

“Try not to move too much, it will alter the drawing.” He sat with his leg resting over his thigh, the large sketchpad he had propped up there was bouncing vigorously as his hand ran across the paper. The pencil, when you could see it through your blurry vision, was dancing across the parchment in unbelievable speed as if to capture what was before it.

The vibrations that shook your body seemed to fluctuate from intense stimulation to slow, steady pulsations. Every dip in frequency allowed you room to breathe, your hands moved to your face, teeth bit onto your fingers as your hips rocked against nothing as they sorrowfully tried to help you get off.

“Be-do, please …” You whined, eyes glossing over as you looked at him. Did he laugh, did he smile at you, how heartless could he get. Under your rippling vision, you saw how it glowed brighter and richer in color, and yet, as if you didn’t comprehend its meaning, your hands flew down to grab onto the chair while the resonating stimulation grew between your legs. “Ah!” You slid further into the chair, your head resting on the back of the chair as your fingers gripped and pushed against the edge of the seat. Arching your back, lifting your legs up onto your toes you couldn’t help the moans and pants that fell from your mouth at an unreasonable pace.

“Hold that pose.” Albedo’s voice was calm even if the speed at which he turned the page wasn’t and, as you gazed at him you couldn’t help but lose your mind at the way he observed you. The intensity of it was so powerful that even though you knew he wasn’t inside of you, it felt like he was.

You crashed like a runaway cart into your orgasm, it shook you to your core, and even though you were screaming moments ago all that came out now was a high-pitched whimper. Deep breaths were all that you could take as you clenched around the object Albedo had placed inside of you, it was so hot that you started to pull at your shirt, and soon your hands found their way to the spasming place between your legs.

Albedo’s voice suddenly sounded much closer to you, his lips pressing to your forehead while his hand rested on the one you had near the object. “You did excellently, but I’d like to see more of you if I could, will you assist me again?”

In your dizzy haze, you glanced at his bright eyes and with a gaping, air-sucking mouth, you gave your reply.

Childe

There was no need to keep his skills at manipulating hydro out of everything that he did, why would he when he was so beyond capable at making it do exactly what he wanted. Whether that be from creating blades out of it, spears in its likeness, or even shackles to hold people down - he was learning just how versatile water could be

How could he not give everything he’s ever wanted to try to his partner who had shown him on multiple occasions a level of trust he knew he didn’t deserve, and a willingness to let him do what he wanted -- you always gave him permission, and you were doing it even now

Your back arched as his hands slid under your pants. The way he touched you so perfectly made your vision go dark before lighting up under the stars. As soon as he put pressure right where you needed it, fingers bending and flexing to let you know how much control he had over you, the sound of pleasure and excitement that slipped from your mouth gave him access to the tongue inside of it.

He played with you, toyed with the tightness in your stomach. Every time you were about to break under his stimulation he pulled away just to watch how much you’d whine.

“Childe, please …” You shifted under him as he slowly, painstakingly began to remove your clothes. Each layer, every article which fell to the floor next to the bed felt like an eternity in your sinful sentence. The way his hands ran down your legs as he slipped off your pants, the sensation of his gloved fingers trailing down the center of your chest as he watched the way you squirmed and grabbed at his arm - he was enjoying it all and he had barely done anything to you yet.

“I’ll give you exactly what you need, remember,” He pressed his lips to your neck, your collarbone, and in the center of your chest before continuing, “If you want to stop, tell me immediately.” You nodded your head and he sealed your promise with a passionate kiss.

In no time, he had you exactly in the state he wanted you, his eyes observing the beauty and perfection that lay before him and as your own gazed longingly, eagerly back at him, you noticed how his vision began to hum. It pulsed like a glowing heart and in your curiosity, you reached your hand for it only to find it was impossible.

Tilting your head, you noticed there was a stream of water around your wrists. Funny, you couldn’t tell that your skin was wet at all. That’s when a new sensation began to work its way up to your legs and when you looked down to investigate, you noticed a swirling blue like rope beginning to creep its way further up your body.

“What’s …” The smile that stretched his lips and seeped into his dangerous eyes made it so hard for you to breathe. Your heart pounded in your chest, your stomach rippled with excitement, and the build-up in your body began to increase so much you were sure he was going to make you orgasm just from his stare alone.

“Ready?”

“Yeah, ready for wh-AH!” The flowing water reached your ache. The wetness of it made your body nearly seize as he worked its way into you. The moans and cries that left your burning throat were so loud you were sure someone was going to hear you. Desperately, you wanted to cover your mouth but your wrists were still locked above your head so instead, you tried to bite your lip but that only sealed in so much noise.

“My, how adorable you look like this.” Childe hummed, his hand moving to stroke your chest as he leaned down to pepper kisses against your throat. “Let’s push a little further, what do you say?”

The girth of the water increased and no amount of self-control was capable of holding back the scream released from your body. Your feet struggled against the mattress, futile attempts to assist you in raising your body off of the mattress came with frustrated huffs and whines in your throat. You called out his name and soon you heard the sound of rattling metal.

“Damn, I made myself jealous.” Suddenly, all the water around your body ran down your skin and before you could understand what was happening, Childe positioned himself above you and worked at finishing what his hydro vision started.

Diluc

He usually has so much more control - he had to learn in order to survive, but there were times, there were moments when all he knew was instinct and all he could do was feel

With you, these moments came up more frequently than he would have ever anticipated - there is no switch to turn himself off when he gets lost in your body. You learned to never get him so worked up while his vision still rested at his hip (things were bound to burn)

He backed you into a wall, his fever to have you was apparent by the intense way his hands ran over your body, tugged at your clothes, manipulated your hands with his. He was almost like another person, a delusion of himself. There was no way you could have known riling him up would lead to this and while it was incredible, the ferocity of him, the unreserved nature that he was capable of showing, it was also incredibly hot.

“Diluc wait -” You tried to reach for his vision but his hands plastered yours to the wall. His lips claimed any part of your skin that they could and the pressure of his body against you, the feeling of his growing and dangerous erection crushing against your stomach made every rational thought in your brain fall to the floor he hardly let you touch.

His strength always shocked you. For someone so thin it was often hard to remember that he was capable of it - even though you watched him fling his claymore around like it was nothing, even though on countless occasions he lifted you like you were a freshly sprouted plant; how deceiving his true abilities were to you and everyone else.

Your clothes began to cling to your body. The sweat dripping down your back, in between your legs, your neck all made you wildly informed his vision was active. You didn’t even need to see how it burned like a beating ember to know he was calling on its ability. He let go of your hands and began to work himself out of his jacket, undo his vest, and any other article of clothing he could all the while his mouth kept yours occupied.

The heat from his tongue was near scalding, how was he able to let this fire seep through every single part of his being - was he not experiencing it too? When his chest was exposed, your hands ran over his rippled torso and the question you just asked yourself was answered as you felt how slick he was becoming.

You pulled him closer, the resulting action making his body come into immediate contact with yours and the feeling of his cock digging into the soft and sensitive area between your legs made you burst in exclamation. Your head landed on the wall, hands slid around the hem of his pants and gripped so tightly onto them his hips pushed further into you.

“It’s hot, it’s so hot.” You panted, gazing at him and hoping that your words made sense. Your body was hot, everything was hot, but while you wanted him to alleviate the heat, you hoped he’d remove one primary cause of it.

Pinning your hands above your head, he quickly began to work on your pants. He wasted no time undoing the buckles and buttons that kept you clothed and as he helped you remove them there was a distinct smell filling the air. When you looked down, the fabric was starting to burn even with you still in it.

“Diluc! Hold-ah!” Struggling against him, you began to shake your lower body and in his complete daze, he slowly came back to realization. In an instant, he let go of you and grabbed the nearest item to him to put out the flames. He was on his knees, his black shirt tightly wrapped around your chard pants afraid that if he didn’t keep it there the flames would get worse.

“Y/N … I cannot apologize enou-” Your laughter cut him off, the expression he shot up to you was one of mass confusion as he searched for understanding.

“If I had known you were going to burn my clothes, I would have teased you without them.” He shook his head and tried to apologize again, his eyes dropping to your legs, assessing them for any damage. “I’m fine, you didn’t burn me.”

He wrapped his arms around your waist, his cheek pressing against your stomach as he held onto you tightly. Chuckling, you rested your hand on his hair and began to caress him, the soft movements reassuring him until he composed himself again and lifted back to his full height. Looking at his face, you could tell he was nervous, so you lifted onto your toes to give him a kiss of redemption.

“Next time, let’s leave this,” you reached for his vision and easily removed it from his pants, “out of the action. What do you say, hot-stuff?” His eyes narrowed at your nickname but agreed to your suggestion anyway.

( no one is tagged because I am too embarrassed to do that! )

#genshin impact #genshin impact X reader #genshin impact headcanons #genshin impact musings #genshin impact fiction #genshin impact 18+#albedo x reader #albedo #genshin albedo #childe X reader #childe #genshin childe #diluc X reader #diluc #genshin diluc #genshin impact diluc

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mousehole5000 · 4 years ago

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tgcf lb the fourth chapter 23 - 33

“hmmm looks like theres people in the fertilizer. i shan’t say a word” ok king of minding your business i guess

oh looks like it has a long tongue. oh i dont care for that at all

The build of their bodies were similar, and atop their shoulders, all of them carried cudgels that were densely covered in sharp wolf teeth. It created an illusion that a pack of wolves had transformed into people. attack of the furries? okay.

It was easy to comprehend after thinking about it. This person had been buried in the desert sand for fifty to sixty years. The flesh of his body had long been transformed into nutrients for those Kindred Moon Herbs. He had been entirely consumed until the only thing remaining was a mere skeleton. when this book isnt being very funny its being very grim!!! yikes!! also this was an episode of hannibal

Ke Mo definitely had never heard someone ask to go first in this place. His eyes widened and looked like bells as he asked in astonishment, “You want to go first? For what reason??” Xie Lian naturally couldn’t reply and say it was because he wasn’t scared. Thus, he chose an answer that conformed with the norms of society. “General, these are merely innocent merchants just passing through. They even have a child amongst them.” - love watching the immortals trying to act like humans. would have been funny if xie lian had just hit em with “well i cant die so its chill”

That young man had crossed his arms. With an indifferent gaze, he thoughtfully sized up the deep Sinners’ Pit.　　 A bad premonition sprung up unbidden in Xie Lian’s heart. “San Lang?”　　 When he heard Xie Lian call him, San Lang turned his head. He smiled faintly and said, “Everything’s fine.” - edgy bastard lets go

What Ke Mo had been cursing was, “It’s this slut again!” - me when a corpse gets up and knocks all my soldiers into the sinner’s pit what a relatable reaction

oh now im switching translations here we go

does hua cheng just straight up transform in the darkness? edgy bastard. also hualian having their little discussion while ke mo keeps trying to attack im still amused by these kinds of shenanigans

banyue guoshi ma’am your backstory.... rough. im on your side im sure you had your reasons

why do the soldiers keep her up near the top of the pit of death if she keeps getting up and knocking them all in? am i missing something? or are they just that dumb/dead fjdf;adjsf

fu yao: y’all alive? lmk. if not ill guess ill go back to the the merchants who totally promised to stay put in the circle. in case its not clear i do not care what happens to said merchants.

hua xie... of course thats the fucking name he picked. also looks like that wasnt so much a parallel being drawn between xie lian and the general as it was the same exact line

fasdlkfjsldfdsf god xie lian really has a hard time. you help some orphans, you try to keep people from dying, you try to save an orphan and you trip and get trampled but you cant die so you wake up in a river full of corpses and just float away. actually tbh i really appreciate him as an immortal character this is the shit i like to see. love xie lian ready to defend himself from the slander of being completely flattened. he was only mostly flattened

cunty vibes so strong all the wildlife in a 10 foot radius just chuck up the deuces and split

ITS RAINING SCORPION SNAKES. THIS IS NOT THE TIME TO PUSH A REVEAL. love that the umbrella is just always on hand

okay i guess fucking. everyone is here now why not. we’re all in a hole covered in scorpions and everyone knows each other but not everyone is admitting it but we know. we know. still not 100% sure what is going wrt pei su/pei ming/general pei/pei junior im a bit confused idk

okay i cant explain it but im attached to him now.

i like banyue. i feel like theres going to be a few background female characters i really like but im not so sure theyll get a lot of development. wind master come back you and your lady friend i would like to know more of you. anyway fuck this pei guy(s?). also they just put banyue in a jar? fair enough

is xie lian another mc who cant cook? so much so that everyone who knows him just leaves if he offers? love that for him

okay we’ve got ONE identity admitted. i liked how casual it was. i wonder if hc was waiting for this bc yeah he was not subtle i feel like he definitely wanted xie lian to know. if he didnt then bruh. get lessons in how to act human please

screaming. no words. cant wait to meet him. and hua cheng please keep up the good work. i love that now we’re just. sitting. chatting. chilling. okay.

yeah it makes sense that hes an immortal i think you would have to take this attitude after 800 years

this authors note about not writing ugly characters.... fjkdalfdjfa obviously i dont think holding beauty as such high standard is good it warps our views and values etc etc but also i would expect nothing less from a story like this. yes we know everyone is going to be beautiful theyre immortal and beautiful and young forever

lmao at exile being a temporary banishment for crimes.... yeah that sounds about right tbh. rich elite fuckers

oh good we haven’t forgotten about human face disease boy. im wondering when we’re going to find out how important he will be bc he clearly matters otherwise he’d have been resolved already also yeah how tf does he have that disease that sure sounds like an issue

i dont like him. pei ming i also wish you to die of syphilis. also of fucking COURSE xie lian’s cultivation method doesnt let him read dirty books

im just saving this because its funny

okay lang qianqiu i see you falling asleep at the meeting. i like you already but you are not above suspicion. actually you know what i suspect you already. crown prince of the kingdom that conquered xianle? idk if youre good or bad but you know something i learned this lesson from beloved morally grey huaisang

okay last comment for this post. mxtx’s little authors note about everyone being straight except for hualian but you can make up headcanons as long as you dont split hualian up fjdlfakdj. i just find it silly to write a story thats so clearly for an audience that understands shipping and ships often and say not to split a specific couple up but i mean to be fair i kind of get it that sentiment as an author and not wanting people to do certain things with your work, although again i think its silly

i guess the point of this note is just to be clear that no one else is going to get together so no one argues about it and i dont actually know much about how this was published but it seems like it was serialized so i can see why that would be an issue. personally i dont really care for knowing stuff like that ahead of time but i know a lot of people do and it seems to be thing in other cnovels ive seen to know whos going to get together as far as major characters are concerned i guess thats part of the draw and i guess i kind of get it

not sure how much other romance will be in this but also i think its kind of ridiculous to be like “these are the only two gay characters” in a cast that just keeps growing but whatever shes really leaving that work up to the readers to make it happen which they’ll do anyways so whatever. also there had to be at least one of the 33 officials who fought hua cheng who thought he was hot. theres no way that didnt happen

#if theres a note that explains why some of the immortals have a whisk can someone point me to towards it?#im assuming its not actually a kitchen whisk although that would be something #is it like the feather dusters songxiao carry?#tgcf liveblog #mouse mumbles #i guess this is what im doing with my time now

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bahrlee · 5 years ago

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Suck the Blood From my Wound

Basically Beach Bear simps after Dook. Enjoy

🦇🦇🦇chapter two: dead behind the eyes🦇🦇🦇

After the strange experience from a week ago---he still swore someone put something in his drink that caused him to imagine that whole thing---he decided to stay away from that part of town for a little particularly the place he drove home from, and even more particularly that seven eleven. He wasn't even going to try to comprehend the existence of Mythical creatures in the real world, he was just going to think it was a dream, and leave it up to that. He liked going out at night though during the summertime. He liked to make the most of his warm feelings towards the night before autum and winter came, which sent him down an inconvenient depression. He decided to stay in the vicinity of his town this time, in Hope's of not encountering anything strange tonight.

Well, he encountered something strange that night. He decided to go see a movie. To makes the most out of it, he sat in the back corner, away from everyone. The seclusion gave him the focus he needed to enjoy the movie to its fullest. He didnt buy anything usually, he just came to watch. But when he went for his original spot, someone else was already there. He didnt feel like sharing space with another person today; honestly he enjoyed his alone time more than hed like to admit, even with the lack of real friends, but maybe he could. Or so he thought until the stranger glared at him in an eerily familiar way. Hes never seen him before, either. He wouldve known if he saw a unique looking person like him before.

Sharp blue eyes against dark skin---an interesting combo he really liked. His hair sat on his head in perfect ringlets. Well, the long parts that is. He had a mullet, something odd that hes never seen in awhile. He made out a David Bowie t-shirt under his studded jacket. Wearing leather in the uncomfortable florida summer, a bold choice. It was enough to entice him, and to draw him nearer, even with the glare.

"Go away." He stated firmly.

"Well I always sit here when I come here." He argued back.

"Well I'm new to this town, so why dont you give me a little space, huh?" There was a slight curve at the side of his mouth.

"Since your new, how about you meet people?" He asked sitting down, taking a seat one seat away from him.

"I-I dont like that very much, ha." It was now a full on smile, bringing a gentle presence to his cold hard features.

"You from Louisiana?" He asked him, noticing the Cajun pronunciation that was very present in his voice.

"New Orleans." He said.

Enter, another long dramatic pause.

"Hey, that's cool. What brings you here?" He asked next.

He shrugged. "I dont have to tell you that." He said. "Just know I'm here now." He took a sip of his drink and turned his head to the blank screen for a short moment before hitting him with a question. "You always talk to people like this?" He asked him, standoffish.

"I usually come here for some alone time, but guess who waltzed right into my area?" He quipped back.

"Well god forbid other people like the dark corners of the theater just like you." He shot.

Beach laughed quietly, entertained by this intriguing stranger. "I'm Beach."

He raised a brow at him. "That's your name?"

Beach drew a blank for a moment. He was always good with words, always good at finding a comeback, a return, a rebuddle---but he found himself completely lost for words with this guy. "I mean it's a nickname and I hate my real name so…."

He looked at him spitefully as if he knew his real name. It scared him, but made him want to talk to him even more.

"I'm Dook." He said.

"Hey Dook."

He didnt respond back, he just gave him a look and turned away.

Then the movie started.

🦇🦇🦇

Beach came to the realization he had a type. Men who were completely uninterested in and unimpressed by him. It wasnt really a power thing, it was more of a n equality thing. He liked someone he could play off of, and have fun with. Or maybe it was a power thing and he liked being a weak little simp. He was tall, smart, and sarcastic, so he was always though as someone assertive, and mean, but in truth he wasnt much. He was sweet, he liked to garden and read books, he wasnt nearly as intimidating than what people thought.

Dook seemed a bit shy too. Not a big initiator of conversation. He still talked to him, and joked with him, but the whole time he remained a bit flustered by the presence if another person. It made him mysterious, and he liked it a lot.

Another thing, Dook didnt talk to him during the movie, so he could really actually pay attention to the whole thing like he wanted, even with a person a seat apart from him. Maybe it was because Dook didnt want to give him the time of day in the first place, but he didnt move, so that was a sign he didnt give a completely mediocre first impression.

He didnt even looking like he was watching the movie for thst matter. Just staring off into the distance, through the screen, off in his own world. Maybe he was lost in thought, and he came to the movies to think more than watch. Or maybe he was just zoned out and his head was empty. Either way, he seemed out of it.

But besides all that, he thought he was cute.

🦇🦇🦇

When the movie was done, and the people filed out, he was surprised to see Dook still left in his seat.

"Hey, are you gonna get up?" He asked him, helplessly curious. Now that the theater was lit, he noticed the heavy dark circles under his eyes.

In response, Dook just closed his eyes and shrugged. Would it be pretty dark here at this time of night? He asked.

He looked at his watch. 10:30. "Yeah, it's pretty dark. You think Florida's like reverse Alaska or something? Where we have three whole days of sunlight or something?"

"Quit thinking I'm dumb." He said, a particularly nasty roll to the voice. Maybe it was playful? He couldnt tell.

"Okay, um… seeya I guess." He turned around, but turned back around. "Um…. I can show you around town, sometime." He started playing with a strand of his hair like he always did when he was nervous.

"Like a date?" He blushed, finally showing a sign of being flustered.

"No, it doesnt have to be, it's just that you're new and I know the best places in town, that's all."

"Okay then. Um, I'm flattered, but no thank you. I've been here a week already."

"Oh." He said, disappointed. " then Maybe we'll see each other in this exact spot again soon."

He grinned. "Maybe."

He left the theater rooms, the theater building, and the downtown area, completely mesmerized that night. What a discovery. He was left with so many questions he should've asked, even if he wouldn't have answered. He almost felt like it wasn't a real experience, similar to a night he had before. He didn't remember which one, he tended to be unable to keep track of what he did sometimes---losing time and procrastination and all that---but he sensed a sort of deja vu from that experience. But he hoped it was real this time, because that man, as he shamelessly admitted in his head, was pretty cute.

#rae au #fanfiction #beok #bahrlees beok #dook larue #beach bear #the rock afire explosion

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lokishornns · 6 years ago

Text

Drunk Confessions

—

masterlist

—

— send requests!!

pairing: loki x reader (fem)

type: oneshot, fluff

rating: pg13

word count: 1,470

warnings: alcohol, partying, cursing

notes: ok why did i write this? no fucking clue but i hate it!! here u go!!

request: anonymous — “Could you do one for Loki where you are either drunk, or out of it for some reason, where you let it slip how you've always thought loki was the hot brother, and how much you have a major crush on him. And because you're so out of it you dont realize you are actually telling Loki, and maybe some other members of the team, that secret.”

send requests

—

The Avengers were notorious for their celebrations. Parties didn’t happen very often, but when they did, usually someone almost gets killed. Tonight was going to be another one of those nights, and to say the least, the team was thrilled.

“I don’t get it. He had just been hanging out with you last week and now he ignores you? Sounds like a hormonal teenage boy,” Natasha grumbles, watching as you get ready for the night.

“I know, it’s weird. Maybe he’s going through stuff. I sent him a message today asking if he was going to be at the party and I got left on read,” you snorted, brushing over your face with a powder brush. “Any men for you? It’s been so long since we’ve had girl talk.”

“Men are not worth my time,” Natasha says far too quickly and your head whips around, a knowing smile growing on your lips.

“That’s a lie if I’ve ever heard one. Who is he? Where did you meet? Is he cute? He better be,” you bombard her with questions, ignoring her death stare. She rolled her eyes and laid back on your bed, a pillow trapped in her arms.

“It’s repulsive that you know me so well. I’m the best spy in the world and you’re able to see through me so easily,” she huffs and you just smirk, knowing her tactic to avoid the topic would fail.

“Spill or I tell Clint where your tattoo is,” you threaten, smiling deviously as she sits up and looks at you with wide eyes and an open jaw.

“You wouldn’t dare,” she says, her eyes narrowing.

“Oh, don’t test me. Remember Rome?” you laugh as you watch her shudder at the reminder. Let’s just say that the events that took place that night were quite ball busting.

“Fine, fine. It’s Loki. I’ve come to steal your man,” she says and you glare at her.

“Not funny,” you say, picking up your phone to dial Clint, making sure she sees the screen. You’re just about to hit the call button when Natasha yelps, snatching your phone out of your hand, making you stare in shock.

“It’s the guy from the bookstore,” she mumbles and you almost miss the garbled words. Your mouth falls open in surprise.

“No fucking way. That’s why you kept going back there? Oh, how could I have missed that?” you shrieked, standing up from your makeup vanity to walk over to your closet. “I didn’t know you were into the nerdy boys,” you confess, smiling as her face flushes a deep shade of red. She holds up a middle finger and you gasp dramatically. “Help me out here, I don’t know what to wear,” you call to her as you flipped through your hangers.

You hear her groan as she stands up from the bed, silently treading to your closet. She pushes past you, her hands grabbing the hangers and flipping through them. Occasionally she pulls out dresses to hold them up to you before throwing them back on the floor of the closet.

“Hey, I liked that one!” you call, frowning at the dress she tossed to the floor.

“Exactly, I’ve seen it way too many times. You also look like you’re going to church in it. We need to find something sexy. Something that says ‘fuck me’,” Natasha says and you roll your eyes.

“So you’re going to dress me up as a prostitute?” you scoff sarcastically.

“See, there’s the enthusiasm we need,” she shoots you a taunting smile. She turns her attention back to the clothes, humming in excitement once finding something. She pulls out the green dress from the back and you immediately shake your head.

“No way. That was hidden for a reason. It was a gag gift for Secret Santa last year from Clint and his wife,” you shake your head, backing up from the closet.

“A little cliché with the colors, but it’ll do. I’ll be wearing something similar, anyways,” Natasha shoves the dress at you and you snatch the hanger, inspecting the dress.

You consider your option. It was a long-sleeved tight black and forest green dress and would most definitely draw far too much attention to yourself. But, what the hell? You were young and life was short. Why not show Loki what he’s missing? Maybe he’ll see how good your ass looks in that dress and come running back.

“Natasha, slow your ass down,” you called out to your best friend as she weaved through the crowds of the party. The music was blaring, drowning out the need for conversation and only making room for dancing. You groan, losing sight of the shorter redhead and turning towards the bar as your only savior.

You stride up to the bar the best you can in the higher heels that Natasha had loaned you. You leaned on the counter, smiling when you saw Bruce handling the drinks. You ordered something hard, laughing when Bruce raised his eyebrows.

“Are you heartbroken or something?” Bruce asks and you smile softly.

“No, thankfully not,” you sigh, grabbing the shot of tequila before throwing it down in one go. You shut your eyes, shaking away the sensation of the alcohol as it falls into your stomach. You wave for another shot, ignoring the concerned look Bruce sends you as you down another bit of the biting alcohol.

Soon enough, empty shot glasses surround you, and a group had formed around you, cheering you on as you threw yet another shot down. With each shot, it became easier and easier to down the alcohol without a second thought. Your vision was so blurry that at this point, you weren’t sure if you were even downing Tequila anymore. Your legs were clumsy, continuously stumbling over themselves. At the very best, you had one functioning brain cell.

“Y/N?” a questioning voice sounded through the crowd and you didn’t know if it was your imagination or not. You turned your head far too fast for your brain to catch up, almost falling face flat onto the floor. “Love, what are you doing?”

“Natasha,” you cheered with a slurred voice, placing the unknown voice as your best friend. You wrapped your arms around her, frowning whenever Natasha turned out to be bigger than expected. “Woah, Natasha, you grew.”

“Seriously? Is my voice that feminine?” You hummed, not comprehending the question. You only twirled around, giggling when you landed in Natasha’s large set of arms. “Love, it’s Loki. You have drunk far too much,” Natasha says, and you gasp.

“Loki! I know him. He’s so cool,” you mumble, not realizing that Natasha was leading you away from the bar. “Actually, he’s more than cool. He’s so pretty. Like, just beautiful. Oh, and he’s smart, especially his humor. I like him,” you babble with a childlike voice, and you frown once feeling Natasha freeze.

“Darling, you’re speaking nonsense,” Natasha chides, and you laugh at her word choice.

“Loki calls me Darling. But he’s ignoring me for some reason, I’m not sure why,” you clarify, your voice coming out much more slurred than expected. “We’ve talked about him before, I’m sure. I like him so much.”

Natasha begins to move, guiding you towards an elevator. You sigh in appreciation as your world doesn’t spin as badly in the elevator as it did in the crowded room. You rest your head against Natasha’s frame, closing your eyes to prevent the blinding fluorescent lighting.

“I don’t know if he likes me back. Maybe his ‘ignoring’ is a sign,” you grumble wistfully – or as wistful as you can get while drunk.

“I’m sure he reciprocates your feelings,” Natasha reassures, pulling you away from her as the elevator signals its arrival on a floor. You yelp in glee as you feel yourself being lifted, cradled in Natasha’s unusually large arms.

“When did you get so big?” you ask, prying your eyes open to look at the muscular arms.

“I drank a protein shake,” Natasha joked, and you cackled loudly, your eyes beginning to fall shut with exhaustion. You snort once Natasha opens your door, placing you gently on your bed.

“Goodnight Natty Batty,” you hum, snuggling further into your comforter.

“Goodnight, Love,” Natasha whispers, pressing a kiss to your forehead.

Loki closes your door softly behind him after taking off your heels, his heart beating out of his chest. He presses his back to the wall, closing his eyes tightly. His brain was screeching with the information you had just given him, pounding mercilessly against his skull. You like him. You had been drunk, but you said you liked him. Maybe you had mistaken him for Natasha, but you confessed that you like the god. Loki walked down the hallway, a smile pushing through his normally stony façade.

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dahniwitchoflight · 5 years ago

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Candy 18-21

oh, oh no

I’ve heard things about Jane x Gamzee

now I get to experience them, oh boy...

Gamzee gets, strangely serious about stuff for once, huh, who would have thunk it

yeah, It’s clear Jane’s political stuff seem to stem from some kind of fear that one day humanity won’t exist on Earth C for whatever reason

that over time, the population of trolls versus humans will eventually skew so much that there won’t be any adam and eve left to match up with each other

in her mind she really doesn’t hate trolls, cuz its not really about the trolls, not at all, but obviously her actions are equivalent to someone who does hate them and she just doesn’t get that

and like, yeah if you just left them to their own devices, maybe that would happen, but then (and I can’t believe I’m saying this) Gamzee has an extremely good point that they already did that when they plopped all the ectokids down and called it a day for a 1000 years, like, they managed to figure it out on their own just fine

and also

ectobiology will literally never stop being a thing so like, as long as some of the god kids stick around, eventually you can just make more humans it’s no big deal to restart the human gene pool since it will be identical to the first time they started it

there’s no reason to make sure this system runs smoothly the “natural way” it won’t, this situation is unnatural for both species

Jane’s just gotta realize that if she wants humans to keep sticking around, she just has to keep supporting the human population, that’s it, whatever trolls do or don’t do doesn’t matter for that goal

course it doesn’t help to compare trolls to animals when talking about their breeding rate and how it naturally evolved over time unlike the apparently non animal humans Janey

Also Alternian society is def not how troll society naturally is but like how could she know that? And how could any troll near her really explain that?

aaaand I got so up in taking this seriously I forget who was talking

Jane’s into troll blackrom though that’s interesting and unexpected

oh wow, Jake was there the whole time

Did they really name Jake and Jane’s baby Tavros??? oh jeesus

Yeah Kinda figured the Jane x Jake thing wasn’t gonna actually be happy

I’m really surprised Jane’s version of happiness apparently involves boinking a weird funny man I mean, she canonically likes clowns and jokes, so at the same time I’m not surprised, I mean, she WAS raised by the condesce, it’s just weird how that influence comes out in her sometimes versus how it doesn’t come out in her

literal Jake nightmare scenario though I think lol

really hammering home how the passions of youth don’t really translate well to happy adult relationships

Oh, so there’s the part where Jade reveals she has Bec biology, considering the fandom reaction you’d think we were gonna get some kind of gross M rated sex scene where she pegs Karkat or something

but all she does is talk about how she’d love a normal family and home life and lament that her circumstances ended up not really allowing that and giving enough hints that we can figure out why that would be

it’s not handled grossly at all, even if the subject matter is odd and it doesn’t come off as some sort of character sabotage

this whole time what we’ve known all Jade was that she was lonely and just wanted a family, not that hard to figure out why, girl’s got the same complex as Joey Claire about her family situation, but she’s more reserved about her feelings since she didn’t get to have a comparison of role models like Joey did with her babysitter and also Jade’s food and shelter needs were somewhat taken care by a planet guardian so the affect was somewhat lessened on the outside, she just didnt get the same chances as Joey to be able to articulate her emotional turmoil about it

aww Jade’s not happy either, well, that’s how it goes when you make relationship decisions based on flimsy passions that are more about fulfilling the needs of the self than about actually wanting good things for a partner

More like Jade’s sort of realized that Karkat and Dave don’t have a genuine romantic interest in her and she’s the only one keeping this ship afloat

oh shit, a dead younger jade, oh damn wait she’s the one from Meat that was trapped in the house juju and then immediately died from space razors

Yeah’s she’s a bloody symbol of meat that’s for sure, theyre making that pretty clear

“Her eyes go wide and she feels the breath go out of her for a moment. She looks directly upward. Where did this body come from?”

Again, if we take that symbolism circle of Breath = Sugar = Drugged up High = Breath

This little dash of meat falling into wonderland would break the breathy haze for a bit wouldn’t it?

So if this kind of thing can happen to others besides John, there’s hope yet for something of value to come from Candy

“ There’s a peaked skylight at the top of the foyer that splits the morning sun like a prism, spilling multicolored dots across every surface below. Amongst those dots are drips of teen-Jade’s blood. It’s so dark on the spotless tile that it looks nearly black. “

I wish I could draw things, I’d love to draw this exact scene here, it’s pretty and morbid

Yeah, the relationship theme of Candy seems to be that everyone’s jumping into Kismesis plus Matesprite threesomes, that seem to be neither of what anyone actually wants in totality

There’s some realization that their Candy filled atmosphere is actually more a drug or a poison, teen jade can’t be revived, and it’s not because of what happened to her, but more because of the environment she is in now

Ah Roxy, ever the social chameleon people pleaser, not working this time though

Jade’s is easily explained already as she has the social graces of an elephant

It is kinda sad tho to see most of the human characters actually aren’t that good at being cool about troll stuff

“CALLIOPE: pUrple roses traditionally represent love at first sight, however these roses are actUally red roses that we prepared Using a blUe dye.CALLIOPE: the blUe rose is the most elUsive and mysterioUs of all flowers.CALLIOPE: the combination of red and blUe in this context is meant to evoke the dUal natUre of death, in that there is nothing more mysterioUs and impossible to comprehend than the vast void of the afterlife, bUt also there is nothing that makes Us appreciate the life and and love that we already have than the mystery of death.CALLIOPE: while death is terrifying, there is always joy to be foUnd among the sorrow. each time we witness death, we fall in love with the important people in oUr lives all over again.“

Why do I get the feeling Calliope is talking about actual rose here somehow?

Is it because she started off with “here’s the symbolism of Purple Roses”?

a Red Rose dyed Blue

Now if Cascade taught us anything Blue and Red certainly represent a mutual destruction of opposites coming together to create a third new thing in the blaze of the aftermath, but that thing was a Green Sun, not something purple, so why bring Rose into mind for all of this?

We have been seeing the effects of what happens when people in candyland awaken from their drug haze with a smattering of blood, but in that case why not make the symbolism more clear by saying a Blue Candied Rose dyed Red as if with Bloodied Meat?

is it more to mean that the correct path lies NOT in Candy being dyed Red, but in Meat being dyed Raspberry Blue?

I Mean, Candy!Rose certainly seems shaken here, having gotten jolted out of her drugged haze at some point, but unable to See, and she’s actually starting to be concerned about that and Meat!Rose is kind of out of commission at this point, So I guess to get things back on track, Candy!Rose would have to go back to the Meat somehow, or might be the influence needed to snap Meat Rose out of her daze

Though I don’t like how this is taking place in the context of a funeral, specifically bringing to mind how Dirk did the same thing using the vessel of Death, I hope Candy Rose doesn’t try to just, off herself

with Dirk taking control of Rose’s ultimate self in Meat, Candy!Rose might be the only true Rose left to take heroic action

Aww, Callie is still head over heels for Roxy, I’m really surprised with this theme of threesomes that nothing ever came of a John x Roxy x Callie, but then again all the threesomes so far have been painted Black and Red, and unless John or Roxy was to form a Kismesis with Callie, I don’t see it happening at all

OH SHIT SPEAKING OF RED AND BLUE

Damn, Sollux and Aradia are here

“KARKAT: MAYBE FUCKING NEPETA IS ABOUT TO POUNCE FROM BEHIND THAT GROTESQUE STATUE OF THE HUMAN SUFFERER T-POSING OVER THERE.”

Karkat don’t tease me about Nepeta but also again WHY is actual Jesus here.

Is Roxy a christian in this timeline? Was she legit just praying to actual Human Jesus? That’s so, weird, especially for Roxy to do, what the fuck in Roxy’s upbringing on an apocalypse earth would make her want to worship Jesus?

Oh wait, that’s obviously what she thinks that every other human sincerely does, since she only had human media to go off of, and like, technically no human has ever said they DONT worship christian gods to her.

“GAMZEE: wHeN tHe DoOr Of ThAt FrIdGe pOpPeD oPeN iT wAs LikE i Be AlL sEeIn ThE lIgHt AnD sHiT.

SOLLUX: well yeah

SOLLUX: that’s what happens when s0me0ne 0pens a d00r t0 a t0tally dark encl0sure.“

Gamzee has had a weirdly meta understanding of what’s going on so far, for some reason, I can’t fathom what could be the Lighty influence that he’s gotten

unless...

Dirk really IS starting to subsume Ultimate Rose, and that’s bleeding over to every Ultimate self connected to Dirk

the more Gamzee knows meta shit and says oddly correct things, the more we know Dirk is “winning” over Rose

Oh, that’s why Gamzee is really here isn’t he? I mean, storywise? He’s a Dirk thermometer/gauge/thing, he’s our way of measuring how far Dirk’s influences are going in Meat

“ARADIA: its so nice that you believe all that gamzee

ARADIA: i think i can honestly say

ARADIA: im reasonably happy for you?“

lol

“blue smoke”

You don’t really tend to describe Smoke as being Blue right? At least, I don’t think that’s usual

But if we’re straight up associating Candy with Blue to complement Meat with Red now, it’s just making the whole Sugar = Breath thing that much stronger

*EDIT* DUH OF COURSE OF CANDY’S COLOR IS BLUE

BLUE GUSHERS. OBVIOUSLY. *end edit*

and I mean, what is Breath but a weird bluey smoke?

Roxy just wants to be happy with all her friends, that’s all

It is a good shake at trying to explain the nature of infinite possibility, that in reality, there isn’t really more weight put into one possibility over others, that’s how it works in real life anyway

unfortunately a storyline of canon is going to favor some version of events over others, and people make choices because they have preferences for that choice over other choices, something that seems kind of lost on Candy!Roxy who seems to just be okay with going along with anything because everything has an equal chance for having happytimes in this place

Roxy may be starting to lose her sense of self as well, and with her knowledge on things and how’s she’s been described as immutable so far, I wouldn’t be surprised at her having easily and subtly slipped into Ultimate Self hood herself and just being really okay with the idea that there is no one true Roxy, that she is just one piece of many, and not like, needing to delve into that further, not needing to connect with all her alternate selves, happy just being singular but at the same time completely malleable

Oh! Baby time.

Oh fuck, Al!Calliope in Jade time.

Why is Callie so afraid of Alt!Callie? That didn’t come across in their meetings in Homestuck as much, so why is that different here?

Is it because of Jade’s earlier comment of “there can only be one instance of a person here” and Callie doesn’t think she can win against Alltie?

Also, all these instances of Alltie appearing in Jade’s body is making me worried Alltie is doing something to both of their Ultimate Selves, like she’s subsuming Jade somehow like Dirk is subsuming Rose

I mean, they are fighting one another, so if Dirk’s doing something she has to keep pace right? In her mind, it’s probably totally justified

this is getting long enough for this post though, off we go again but I’m still reading

#Homestuck #Meat or Candy

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dariaastrid · 6 years ago

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THE 100 my thoughts of 6.07.

Well, me, finally, calmed down and rewatched the whole episode again.

The first thing is that this episode was splendid! I loved it all from first minute to the last once, basically was glued to the screen all the time.

I enjoyed the idea of space minds, because, firstly, it allows to see character deeper and feel their intention, fears and feelings through simple objects of reality, pictures, things. It also gave us a link to ‘Inception’ movie and pointed to Freudian concept of the unconscious. Besides, it also guides us to the Eric Burn theory that each person contains ‘child’, ‘adult’, ‘parent’ personality.

It was smart to use the rain as a metaphor of Clarke swings moods, chest with the code for her secret memory, also show us her dads video and Jasper glasses inside of it.

Her mind is constructed by series of locations. The reason behind is that Clarke really changed through all of her stages in life. Each one has its own meaning for her, as she grew from a young idealistic teenage girl to a grown woman, complicated and contradictory person. She became not only leader to her people, but also a parent figure. We could equate it to the thing of becoming a real mom to a child, who needs care and protection.

Clarke character this episode, her development was really thought through.

Lets try to analyze main locations.

First, we should compare how Clarkes personalities are connected with each stage of action. Second, we ll try to have a general concept of each mind space.

1.Spaceship

This place is where all Clarke memories lies, her story. I guess its just a hard drive to the whole computer, shortly her brain. There she is represented as ‘the princess on the spaceship’ and also as Wanheda, also as The Clarke ‘Madis mother’ ( Read it that way ‘child’, ‘adult’, ‘parent’) . These three parts of her personality show us the two parts of Clark, the peaceful one, rebelious one, guilty one. It’s her three sides, which are struggling to fight each other to prevail in behavior. She still has her child hopes. She still tries to be rigidity and consistency in her solutions. She now is accepting her responsibility, drowning in a blame for her decisions.

The Clarke on the spaceship is the Clarke, who believes that there is so much more than survival and fighting for life. She appears to be the most vulnerable one. Wanheda has the power of being more dark for the purpose of the survival and life. She is the dark side of Clarke who was formed by conditions of her living. Clarke from season 5 and 6 is Clarke who is trying find a peace for herself as a human, suffering inside from two sides of her world.

The lights and the colors in this mind space are truly melancholic and blue. I feel her depression and longing for sadness through this location. Clarke at the moment does not feel right at all, she is feeling down and she is losing hope.

2. The forest

Its totally the most dark place, therefore dark lights and night forest as the symbol of loss and deprivation. Its kinda blurry here too. The ruined throne of Lexa is her pain, which hides under the layers of self-control. There she loses her hope after fake memories of Bellamy. He is still that person, who has that strength and hope for her which she seeks. He is her last pillar of energy to survive and live, as the leader of her people. Because of him shes still trying.

‘You still have hope?”

‘Were still breathing’

But after the fake memories, she doesnt see any benefit to live as someone who can look for her people. Shes already dead, why bother?

3. The fighting pits and the Mountain weather.

Sharp and bright light. The fighting pits is another symbol of her guilt, though Bellamy forgave her, she coudnt do it herself. She didnt win her war with her demons. The BloodRena represent rage, anger for herself, crawled inside Clark. The Maya is the sigh of her moral system confused, her inner guilt for what she thought she would never have done as a child on Spacekru ship.

4. The home

The place where Clark feels most safe, focused and calm. Warm,

light colors and drawings not from her memories, bur from her feelings. The most significant drawings are Ebby, Madi and Bellamy. Its her family now. There she meets Monthy, there she finds her dad alive.

Its her heart in this home.

Her last hope is to live for Madi, as Monty reminds her. To be a mother to a child she raised. I mean, obviously, Madi is the last reason, why Monty as her mind protection appears. Monty was her friend, who truly figured that sometimes good and evil are twisted, and having burden of blood hands doesnt mean ure a bad person, but still means that its the best way to live and find peace.

There she is a ‘parent’.

Anyway, this Clark destination is to forgive herself and to start create something new through the ashes, to find something beside Madi, her people and Bellamy to live for. To heal and become more balanced.

Whats about Josephine?

Her line is connected to Clarke one, as their minds are tangled.

Let me say one thing, she is really hell of sociopath. I do not hate her as a character, but I do see the motivation of her behavior.

The thing is that in Josephine minds her father is the really important figure, affecting her the most through all stages of life. His voice is everywhere, in the library(her voice from childhood memories, calling him. reading letters). Through the door. He is shouting ‘The Sanctum is mine’. This pair could be compared to Odin and Hela relationship. Same spirit there.

Her brain structure is the library, completely rationalized and sorted. She doesnt feel mercy or regret, pity or happiness, pain or pleasure. She doesnt understand human emotions, as she is not able to comprehend them fully. By all sort, she is freaking genius(knows various language, deep in biology and science, gifted for art) but by the cost of her mental disorder. In her memories she adored herself so much that she could stop drawing her first body. She doesnt know what moral is. Its a blurry concept for her.

Her moral is to provide herself the immortality on all costs. She doesnt find it right or wrong to murder, to betray, to tortue. She doesnt care about anything but about herself. Not life of a newborn baby, her friends lover, her father could prevent her from achieving the goal. Its truly frighting and dreadful. She shouldn't be in the lead at all.

Read this to insure yourself that Jo is in fact sociapath https://www.mcafee.cc/Bin/sb.html.

And she knows that. Her hidden thing is the awareness on that. She doesnt accept it at all. She is savoring it, not trying to control or to restrict herself. Its caused by the trauma of guy who kills himself , but still not completely.

I also liked the referral to the predator behavior( dialogue of J and R, when they are haunting Clark), as the main concept of Lightbourne views.Besides, they regard science as the God for them, it means the complete refusal to moral question and ethics.

Josephin: I studied all species, insects are almost fascinated me the most,...ruthless. People theyre so messy, theyre too emotional.

Josephin: You, nulls, are more than worthless, you all don have positive value. You are less the useless. U delude the bloodlines...

So on.

From Clarks side theres a lot of talking whats right or what wrong, even with ALLIE. What defines God.

Its not a coincidence that she tells Monty about the God question, overshadowing Lightbournes things. About connection of moral and real life.

‘I dont want to decide for everyone, Just for myself’

Its a good thrust that through her mind projection of Monty she still thinks:

The end does not justify the means

Murder is still murder, whatever it brings after, peace or war.

She doesnt devalues the human life. Thats why Clarke is the best leader from the start. Her moral compass is always there to remind her that leadership should be based on clean hands, true intentions to help and grow, not in dark night, but in the light of a new day.

Clark also says: ‘Theres no joy without pain’.

For me, it sums up all of her personality. Meaning - to have something good, first sacrifice. To earn happiness you should feel the real anguish. But even after the pain, you are capable of finding hope and peace. Thats why she agrees to go with Monty and fight J.

That what differs Clark from Lightbourne.

She is still in a process of defining what decisions shed like to make, what person she should be. She senses and appreciates.

Lightbournes are in stagnation there.

The last few senconds

Bellamy is just the ‘heart’ all over the place. He is back to his natural statue.

That means head and the heart in work, which, I remind you, always the best.

Thanks for reading.

All the love :)

#the 100 #the hundred #bellarke #bellamy blake #the hundred watch #bellamy x clarke #clarke griffin #spacekru #russel lightbourne #theorythe100 #josephine lightborne #primes lightbourne #series #the hundred season 6

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megpiesthetic · 5 years ago

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50 reasons why (i love you)

1. you're the most adorable person to ever exist, your behavior, the little things u do, just MMM cutie! :*

2. the way you look when you're concerned abt me or want me to rest is so sweet and caring it makes me wanna fight god

3. speaking of, you're so so caring and sweet

4. despite that, you're still honest and i really appreciate that

5. you see things in me no one ever saw before

6. you do your best and you take care of yourself more and more and it makes me so incredibly happy

7. you're genuinely such a talented and skilled artist i'm still in disbelief, like i just cannot comprehend that im dating someone so talented

8. you're learning polish bc it's my language and i am :"))))

9. you simply give me such genuine and pure love i don't even know how to thank you for that (hehe btw Marry You by Bruno Mars is playing on the radio as im typing this <3)

10. i adore you stupid cackles and your adorable giggles

11. you're so cute when you're jumpy and energetic and silly and u blep and u giggle and u melt my heart :")

12. you're beautiful, your face, your body, your lips, your eyes, your freckles, you

13. your smile is one of the most beautiful things on this planet

14. i vibe with your aesthetics bro

15. oh speaking of, god i love your dumb sense of humor that's just as bad and nonsensical as mine

16. yes you do make me laugh, you make me laugh a lot and i love u so much oh my go

17. whenever you're upset i want nothing more than to be there with you and hold you in my arms tightly and kiss your head gently and let you cry on my shoulder if you need to and i wanna wrap you in so much love that whatever is wrong doesn't feel as horrible because you know you'll always have me to protect you from the world and love you more than anything

18. i mean u introduced me to hetalia, if thats not a good reason then-

19. you've been through a lot of rough things and despite all that you're still so soft and caring with me and you trust me and you're not scared to be vulnerable to me and i just- i actually have tears in my eyes rn, just.... thank you for trusting me

20. you have the voice of an angel and i love listening to you speak to me softly at night

21. your singing makes me cry with how beautiful it is and just the fact that this is my girlfriend singing- mmMmm

22. speaking of your voice~ you know what else i love abt it darling ;)~~

23. november <3

24. you actually love me for who i am and you go out of your way to reassure me of that whenever i'm worried u might judge me for something (even tho u do like doing that :// but as jokes so its okay :*)

25. you like being an asshole and even tho i might act annoyed you're actually incredibly cute when u do that and ur dummy and i love you

26. your cute plans for your dream future and how silly and cheesy and domestic you want it to be

27. you helped me break through my edginess and allowed me to be soft uwu

28. you waited for me when i was too scared to love you, thank you <3

29. your taste in music!! is great!!! and we can jam to our favorite songs together and thank god u dont listen to country!!!!!

30. hehe ur short

31. you're down for whatever dumb bullshit i come up with and u dont shame me for enjoying it <3 unless its anime and u call me a weeb

32. we talk through our problems even when it's not easy and even tho i know it's hard for you sometimes you still try and i appreciate it so much

33. u draw me ;;;; and its so beautiful each time;;; thank u

34. you do so much for me in general! drawing, singing, slefies, the aes blog, the playlists!!!! thank you so much baby, i dont know how to even repay you ;;

35. you want me to be honest with you even if sometimes it might hurt you

36. you understand that our circumstances arent easy for either of us and even tho sometimes they upset you you dont want me to feel guilty for any of them (hoo tearing up again:"""))

37. you help me and allow me to help you <3

38. you genuinely helped me with my anxiety simply by existing

39. you're always there for me

40. you understand when i have a worse day or want a break

41. you know that i care about you and want you to be happy so you let me know when you're not great and let me care for you and try my best to make you feel better

42. you wanna get to know things im interested in and u watch my dumb shows with me

43. you convinced me to play minecraft!!! best thing out of all these on this list tbh :// and gosh the cute lil houses u build for us ;;;;

44. you support me in my dreams and my dumb dream to make a dumb game and do dumb things and be dumb ;;

45. you help me go back to reality when a lil when i get too carried away by my fantasies so i dont hurt myself by getting disappointed later but it also works the other way around and i sprinkle a lil bit of positivity when you're getting too pessimistic in your realism and we balance each other out and i just think thats neat <3

46. hehe you're such a sap

47. gosh you got a job!! and a driving licence!! and you're doing well in school!! and even if sometimes bad things happen and get you down you still get up and push through them!! you're so strong and i'm so proud of you!!!!!!

48. you're not afraid to be silly and dummy sometimes cause you trust me enough to be fully comfortable around me (in other cases too ;))

49. you're aware of my flaws and you love me despite them all

50. you're you <3

+ 51. you didn't think i'd come up with 50 :p

#surprise <3 #i love you so much baby girl #:***#hope u enjoy!#long post #VERY long post jesus-#///

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neotericbitch · 6 years ago

Text

a sequel to DarqAnon

part the first

It’s quite abusive, there I said it, how you’re allowed to force a ritual onto a child, whether it be reciting an anthem or staring at the sun, before their brain has developed enough to comprehend the significance. In fact, doing so makes it more likely that as the child grows up, they will never truly find meaning in the action! How sad is that? I’d never force anything on my son.

Growing up, staring into the sun was something I never understood. For a long time I didn’t, I couldn’t conceive of the satisfaction or happiness my family derived from it. It meant something to them, so they tried to teach it to me, but it never meant anything to me. I understood that the sun was their god, but because I never truly believed, I couldn’t grasp how or why it would be important to them to stare up at it, burning their eyeballs out of their sockets. Their god was sending a clear message, do not look at me. Why would they do it anyway?

Oh, but - do keep in mind that that’s all in the past. I understand now. I understand perfectly.

Valkyrie Cain has the most brilliant black eyes. Truly, her every feature is marvellous, her sharp nose, her expressive mouth - but I always go back to the eyes. For Crandall, it’s her hands. They’ve shared many times over many meetings, to the point where I find it very annoying, that they want nothing more than to feel her hands on the sides of their head before she crushes it. I think it’s a nice little fantasy to have, just stop telling us about it. I have only ever shared what I wanted two, maybe three times. That’s an acceptable amount of times! Any more is overdoing it, Crandall! Crandall, I know you’re listening. I’ve been able to feel it even when a very good Sensitive is in my head, Crandall, and you are not a very good Sensitive.

Beside me they turn their head away. Why would they want to listen to my thoughts, anyway, when Valkyrie is here? I suppose I understand their hesitance. Darquesse, goodness - Darquesse wouldn’t stand for anyone hearing her thoughts, absolutely not! To attempt it on her would be a high offence. But Crandall, if you’re still listening, I’d say go ahead for the time being. Darquesse isn’t here. Not yet.

Looking at her, it all makes sense. I want to call up my mother and tell her I understand, I understand wanting - needing! - to look at something, even if it does not want you to. The sun may try to blind you. Valkyrie may glare and scream and curse. But you simply cannot look away.

I cannot call up my mother, of course. She has been dead for a hundred years, and I’m busy right now - and I don’t think there’s mobile phone reception here anyway.

For this week’s Thursday meeting, 6 to 7:30, we have made a temporary move from the community hall to the vault, generously donated for DA’s use by Nicki, who we had to murder. Dear girl, she didn’t want to let me hold the meeting here this week. I suggested it at the end of last week’s meeting and everyone was very excited. A hundred meters beneath the spot where Darquesse opened her portal to another dimension and disappeared - we’re so lucky to have this place! Of course everyone wants to come here whenever we have the opportunity! But Nicki said no. Nicki said to me, “Isserley, these meetings have been really great, you are a good organiser and I’m very happy to have met everyone, but I think what you’re planning is wrong. Please return the vault key to me.” So we had to kill her.

And here we are tonight, and I almost wish Nicki were here so I could say, to think you didn’t want this! The meeting is going very well, I think it’s our best one yet. 6:40 and we’re just about to finish setting up, we’re a neat little group of people. We won’t go over time at all! I’d like to say that I, being an incredibly organised person, have been a good influence on my fellow DA-goers.

Salma finishes painting the symbol on the ground. Her designs are ugly, but she has a steady hand and knows how best to use the petrol paste, a very special concoction. No one else could have done this job - though I must admit, I am a bit envious. Easy, Isserley! Remember, your job is the most important. Without you, this wouldn’t work. Without you, Valkyrie would not even be here.

Salma reaches for Valkyrie. She thrashes wildly - and I can’t say I blame her! I wouldn’t want Salma to touch me, either! Haha. But it really won’t do for her to behave this way, we really need her complete cooperation, so I motion to Respite at the wall and he turns the crank, tightening the chains attached to the bound cuffs at her every limb. She is pulled tight, and by the sounds of it it’s not a very comfortable experience, but now she is tense and mostly still - perfect for Salma to draw the symbol on her wrists and stomach.

She puts up a hell of a fight when Respite disconnects the chains from the wall and reconnects them to the floor, at each corner of where the symbol has been painted so she is now seated in the centre. I can’t help but smile! She reminds me of one of those beautiful shrine maidens. If only I’d thought of that earlier. I would have put this off one more week and gotten an outfit made. But the clothes she put on herself this morning are more than lovely. Darquesse will like them. Darquesse will like being back.

Valkyrie keeps straining and trying to get up, the poor dear! I wish I could go over there and pat her face, like I used to pat my son’s when he was resisting me - I wish I could tell her everything will be alright. But I know, even chained and without magic, she could certainly find a way to kill me if I were within reach. And I don’t want her to kill me until the ritual is complete, of course! Otherwise what would be the point?

“I don’t even know,” Valkyrie growls - what a good word for it! Indeed, she is doing her very best to sound deep, dark and scary. Soon it will come naturally. “I don’t even know what you think this will do. It’s not a full moon, or a blood moon, or any kind of moon. It’s not a magical day, it’s not a holiday, it’s not even a day that means anything to me.”

It’s my birthday, but don’t tell anyone that. It’s my special little secret, my gift to myself.

“This sigil is totally made-up. It’s not going to do anything.” She tries to raise her hand to her face to wipe off some sweat, but the chain is too short. “Let me go and I’ll make it quick - because when Skulduggery gets here, he certainly fucking won’t.”

I crouch down to be on her level, and I’m filled with such...reverence. I understand. I understand. This is what I was supposed to feel kneeling in the sweltering heat for hours on end. I’m glad I feel it here instead.

“You will kill us,” I say. “But we’re not going to uncuff you, you’ll do that yourself.”

“What are you talking about?” She is so exasperated and so irritated and so wonderful. “These cuffs are bound. It doesn’t matter how great you think I am, I’m not that strong.”

“You will be! You will be.” In the corner of my vision I see Salma fidgeting. Salma!!! You’re ruining this!! To make her stop, I gesture at her so she can speak and stop annoying everyone with her movements.

“The sigil you’re sitting on,” she fires off in her horrible, grating voice, “and the sigils that are on you are my own designs. Just because you haven’t seen them before doesn’t mean they won’t work. They’ll work.” Her lip trembles and she bows her head. “I’m sorry you don’t...believe in me.”

Valkyrie stares for a moment. “You’re completely nuts.” Nuts! Aah! That’s the word I use to describe her! How exciting!

“They’ll work, I swear. I promise. We only need to activate them, and...” Salma looks to me. Unfortunately, I have to stand up now and go back to looking down on Valkyrie. It’s okay, though. It’s okay. Soon she’ll be looking down on me.

For now, she doesn’t look at me at all. She looks down at where she’s put her arms on her knees, wrists facing out. Perhaps Supreme Mage Sorrows once gave her a lesson on what certain strokes can mean, perhaps she’s trying to work out how to counteract our symbol.

She’s fabulous and smart, yes, but she won’t be able to work it out. I am confident. I snap my fingers, summoning a bright, orange flame into my hand. She lifts her head, looks me directly in the eye, and I smile widely. Very widely. Not widely enough. I hope, before Darquesse kills me, she at least takes the time to appreciate what I’m doing for her. I hope she recognises how much I love her. No - I don’t hope. I know. She will. She must.

I take a step forward and crouch again, reaching my hand out to the edge of the symbol on the ground. My flame will catch onto the petrol paste and spread immediately. Valkyrie will be burned, but only a little bit! Just a little bit. Long enough for the fire to catch the symbols on her skin, and she will be protected - and Darquesse will be summoned back into her. She will be complete again.

Before my flame touches the paste, Valkyrie shoots her hand out and smudges the line, which gives me just about the fright of my life! Thank goodness I have such incredible reflexes, otherwise I wouldn’t have jerked my hand away in time. The paste would have caught on fire and surely burned her to death! She rubs her wrists together, wiping away the symbols written there, then kicks her legs out from under her so she’s in a more traditional butt-to-ground position, but that means she’s made the ground symbol worse and displaced dirt into my face.

It’s hard to love her when she has literally blinded me. That whole thing about the sun and everything, it was more of a metaphor. I still love her of course! I’m only taken aback. Anything I may say as I fall backwards isn’t really my fault, since she’s the one who kicked dirt in my eyes. It's more of my reflexes. I never would say anything of the sort to her under normal circumstances. Never.

“You bitch!”

What an inconvenience. I don’t get to see any of what happens next! I only hear the door flying open and gunshots, the sounds of my people yelling and trying to fight. Punches, kicks, bodies falling to the ground. When I hear Salma scream and feel her blood land on my face, I can’t help it! I can’t help it but think, serves you right for putting a cent in the collection tray every week!

“Skulduggery, the-”

“Valkyrie. Are you alright?” Is that him getting on his knees? Maybe he understands after all. “Are you hurt?”

“My skin’s burning, let me loose so I can get this shit off me. The crank on the wall, I think that controls the cuffs.”

I roll onto my side and wipe the dirt from my eyes. I hear Pleasant at the wall, turning the crank back and hitting the release. It’s terribly uncomfortable, but I can open my eyes and see well enough - and what I see is Crandall dead next to me! It’s such a shock, my heart skips at least three beats. That rotten Pleasant. What a barbarian. I lift my head as carefully as I can, so I won’t be noticed. Valkyrie has lifted her shirt to get the symbol off her stomach and cannot see me.

This is so unfair. I put so much work into this plan. It was so hard to trap her! I was going to bring Darquesse back. Me. Not Crandall, not Salma. Not Nicki. Her black eyes would have bored into my skull and killed me and I would have been good and happy. Huh! Maybe I'm not too different to those Faceless worshippers who go blowing themselves up in public places.

“Isserley. I thought that was you.” Pleasant. Pleasant is talking to me. “How have you been?”

Valkyrie snaps her head up at him. “You know her?”

“We’ve seen her in the High Sanctuary.”

“Jesus. Is there anyone you don’t remember.”

“No.” He reaches out and wipes the rest of the symbol off her stomach in one motion. I have dirt in my eyes but I see how her tummy kind of curls in a bit as she drops her shirt down.

That should be me. That should be me. I love her more than anyone. I burst into tears.

“She tried to set me on fire.”

“I think a list of people who haven’t tried to set you on fire would be shorter than a list of those who have.” I hear the clink of handcuffs. “Come on, now, Isserley.”

I let my head drop back onto the ground and stare up at the ceiling. I do not take one more look at Valkyrie. I’m not worthy. I’m not worthy. I failed. “Why don’t you just kill me.” I’m not even aware of myself saying it, to be honest! Just one of those things that...slips out...

“She makes a good point, Skulduggery.”

“Can’t be done. We should leave at least one cultist alive to arrest, so why not take the woman in charge?”

“How do you know she’s the one in charge?”

His terrible skull fills my vision as he looks down at me. You know, hearing him talk this much at one time has jogged my memory. And he does happen to wear very beautiful suits. My mouth falls open. “You’re-”

Valkyrie was startled for a moment by the sudden gunshot. Shoulders tensed, she looked over to Skulduggery standing over the woman, gun still pointed into a face that didn’t really exist anymore.

“What made you change your mind?” she asked as he put the revolver away. Skulduggery came over to her and brushed some hair out of her face, went back to fussing over the injuries she sustained on her way here.

“Too talkative,” he said, and she laughed and teased him about being a hypocrite.

#skulduggery pleasant #thanks for subscribing

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mandie-june · 6 years ago

Text

Anyone else???

For a very long time now, I have settled on the fact that I will never be happy. I have happy moments, sure. But to actually say that I am "happy with life" is something that I dont think I will ever say. It's been there for a very long time and the more I took a step back from me, and started viewing myself in second person, essentially watching and observing my surroundings and how things interact with my life, even when I am not looking that way (think in terms of video games where your character doesnt see people creeping up, but YOU do yourself), the more I started putting pieces together.

It's so easy to blame my depression, anxiety, skepticism but even with that people will say "talking to someone helps" or "get medication." Heres the problem: I dont have people who care enough to listen and to help for free. Which also means I dont have money for medication (and I dont like how I feel (or rather dont feel?) when I take them. Working as a delivery driver pays the bills, and that's about it.

"So go get a new job." Easy, right? Well, not so much. I can get a new job, but this generation, if you dont have a bachelor's degree / 30 years experience then good luck. So I'm left with pretty much retail and food. What happens when I get a new job? I start off nervous, fake confidence. Then I gain the confidence that I learned how to do my job without help. I'm "happy". But it only lasts a few months before I get bored and when I get bored, I get irritable. I start noticing things people do and question why they can get away with it. The bored routine hits and I'm back in the hole. I dont want to job hop because not only does it look bad on paper, but it's also bad for myself because once that becomes routine, when I have to start looking for a new job, itll cause a whole 'nother sort of unhappiness, annoyances, and anxiety that turns to frustrations. Mostly because I'm stuck with retail or food and my interview / hire rate is probably around 10% if I'm lucky. Pop that in with depression and the feelings you're not good enough, and you've got yourself a very sad meal for one. (I am VERY aware of myself and can see how certain choices will play out and how it would affect me)

Growing up, watching everyone and everything happen from the outside in (or from the inside out, a trapped sense????) I've learned a LOT. I can see when my depression is coming, I can see when people are lying or don't care (and I pretend to not know but Holy fuck do I know), I even know why I feel the way I feel. But my issue is this: I dont know why.

I know why I will never be happy with life. But I also cant change that because I dont have the money because I dont have a good job, because I dont have a high education (just associates in arts and science), because I dont have money.

See? It is a vicious cycle.

I firmly believe that I am a product of society and how something can deeply affect an individual. I cant say it's bad in its entirety because it has lead me to become a more thoughtful person (always questioning, wanting to know) but not all thoughts are positive. This whole post being a HUGE example.

I've accepted it as far as I know I will never be happy, but theres a part of me that is sitting in the corner saying, "that's not fair." I have no desire for hobbies, because just like the job situation, it's fun at first, then it's just... pointless. It has no meaning. Why am I doing this puzzle? What purpose in life does that give me? Why am I drawing when I know I'm not good and always stop before I'm done? Why try to play an instrument when I'm not going to make money by playing it?

That is another huge factor in my life. Nothing has a purpose. Why should I spend my day off doing nothing when I could use that time to make money? But I dont really have anything that I NEED and when I do buy something with recreational purpose, I feel guilty because after so long, it just gathers dust. But I deserve a day off, I work most every day. But I dont work very hard at all. Maybe giving 60% on a great day, so I didnt earn a day to be lazy.

I guess long post short: I am constantly at battle with myself. I can see the positives, but a lot of the time, it's the negative that's speaking louder (I'm assuming my depression is acting like an amp) and I just shrug and go back to bed. Why? It's all pointless. Why do I want to go on dates when I know they just want sex and I'm not into having sex? Why do I want to be "vulnerable" in a relationship? That is like antagonizing a murderer, saying "betcha wont kill me!" It doesnt sound fun at all.

Maybe getting handed the short end of the stick has sucked all the potential I had, and instead of being where I was suppose to be, i have hit the opposite. Like maybe i was suppose to be a loving mom with the best marriage and job, and somewhere down the line, someone cursed me to have the knowledge and an understanding of what's going on around me, but I cant comprehend it. I understand... but what I dont understand is WHY I understand. I cant take that knowledge and put it to use. I can read the language, but I cant speak it.

I really have been struggling to try to find the answer as to why I feel this way. I feel helpless, but at the same time, I know why I feel and think the way I do. But I dont know why I know -- and I want to.

People say that it's the little things that count. I honestly do believe that, and while I dont expect much out of people / life anymore, the few things that I hold near and dear are literally the strands I hold onto. And when those strands break, I fall so deep and then everything just falls on top of me.

I am aware of my situation. I am knowledgeable about why I feel the way I do and how. What I dont know is WHY I am so aware. There is something out there for me, and through growing up, I feel as though I lost the piece. The one piece that was going to just make it all make sense. I had a wonderful purpose in life, and someone took it away because it had to have been something damn special to make me feel so lost without it.

#depression #long post #text post #mental disorder #mental health #psychology #help

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realmzenith · 7 years ago

Note

answer All the questions for your newest oc

DEAD U HAD TO ASK FOR NEWEST DIDN’T YOU. welp in that case have ya boi eneko

What’s the maximum amount of time your character can sit still with nothing to do?he’s a patient dude! eneko can likely sit still doing nothing for as long as his physiology will allow aka until he needs to go to the bathroom or smth. he does well w low activity as he’s an introspective person

How easy is it for your character to laugh?FAIrly easy?? on a level of one to ten w one being laughs at anything that moves or doesn’t move i’d say he’s a.. 6. ok so not that easily like he IS fairly taciturn but he will smile and laugh at a good joke esp if he’s comfy around the person making it

How do they put themselves to bed at night (reading, singing, thinking?)by crying- no jk he doesn’t… cry… emotions? what are those??? (thats a lie he’s an emotional mess) he will plan for the next day, strategizing and such but that’s honestly rlly bad for him. he stresses easily. on nights when he’s got a clearer head he’ll hum softly or read if he’s not feeling too guilty abt burning off candles. he does like night walks they always clear his mind

How easy is it to earn their trust?oh oof that’s a tricky one. not that easy but at the same time- OKAy yeah just not that easily from one being the easiest to ten being the hardest he’s likely a 8

How easy is it to earn their mistrust?VERY hard. once you’ve gained his trust he will be LOYAL af to u eneko is quiet n not the most expressive but he will absolutely go down in flames for someone he’s deemed trustworthy. a solid 9.

Do they consider laws flexible, or immovable?laws are flexible defo. he PREFERS structure but if morality trumps laws he will break them. it also helps that he’s lowkey part of a rebellion so technically his existence in the present is breaking the law

What triggers nostalgia for them, most often? Do they enjoy that feeling?god save us all. he’s a nostalgic dude so uh, oh damn i dont have backstory for him yet i made him last night rainy stop bullying me but ykw we’re doing this. flowers defo. queen anne’s lace n bluebells esp? bring back memories n also pumpkin stew. mixed memories w that one. queen anne’s lace mean sanctuary n bluebells mean gratitude which is LOWKEY ironic considering they spawn memories of burning along w memories of his older sisters so yes?? he does like remembering his sisters but no not in that context. the stew is a weird reminder of his first love n that’s. also complicated

What were they told to stop/start doing most often as a child?talk more and talk better. he’s got a bit of habit of being short abt things and the middle sister of the fam was ALWAYS getting on his case abt no u can’t word it like that but the eldest was and is a terrible influence n absolutely encouraged it bc she found it hilarious. it’s good they love each other i swear

Do they swear? Do they remember their first swear word?yes he’s part of a rebellion and a soldier what more do u eXPECt and no he doesn’t remember his first swear word. he also doesn’t curse that much dont get me wrong. he has to be comfy around u

What lie do they most frequently remember telling? Does it haunt them?gosh uh. eneko is still v underdeveloped so i .. WELL I CANNOt tell u in the present it’s prbly smth angsty involving his sisters or his lovER but the answer to does it haunt him? yes absolutely he must Suffer :)

How do they cope with confusion (seek clarification, pretend they understand, etc)?it depends on the situation’s levity. if it’s smth important he will absolutely bluntly ask for clarification if it’s smth casual he’ll just nod and pretend like he knows what ur talkin abt bc social anxiety is a b

How do they deal with an itch found in a place they can’t quite reach?Suffer in Silence

What color do they think they look best in? Do they actually look best in that color?he doesn’t rlly think abt this. he likes green tho but he wears a lot of black (that’s partially required by his associations and partially bc idk what other colors exist thanks @ god) he looks best in hmmm red

What animal do they fear most?himSELF

How do they speak? Is what they say usually thought of on the spot, or do they rehearse it in their mind first?he’s usually fairly forthright so he sounds like he’s saying whatever comes to mind but the reality is he says abt 1% of what he’s thinking and he won’t say things that are quite obviously rude. who knows tbh maybe he gains secret enjoyment from watching ppl squirm under his bluntness eyes emoji

What makes their stomach turn?torture n he hates the sight of bones. blood he can stand but bones? no thanks. unfort in the business they’re in he comes across both of those more than he’d like. he also hates working in the theoretical. it’s unnerving but he’s fine if someone he trusts is wading thru the abstract for him aka thank u @ kent for being the resident intuitive

Are they easily embarrassed?nah not particularly

What embarrasses them?if u slap his BUTT in public jkjk i mean that would embarrass him if u caught him by surprise but hmmm he doesn’t like attention if u draw attention to him he’ll freak a lil that would fluster him also excessive praise esp if it’s expressed publicly. he squirms beneath the spotlight

What is their favorite number?19. day of the month he last saw his sisters smiling

If they were asked to explain the difference between romantic and platonic or familial love, how would they do so?he’d prbly say smth deep which i cannot truly replicate but prbly smth like. “familial love is steady. it’s the mountain beneath which u were born. it’s the protection n the stability n the impossible sheer volume of it that can’t quite be comprehended. platonic love is like cords linking u to them. it’s the promise, the assurance of i will pull u up if u fall and if i can’t ill fall w u. it’s a tug o war and an anchor. romantic love is a stallion. it’s the passion and the chance but if u know how to tame it it serves to make u a better man than u could ever become on ur own. it’s the teamwork and the flames”

Why do they get up in the morning? to execute justice and to experience each new precious day he’s been gifted

How does jealousy manifest itself in them (they become possessive, they become aloof, etc)? it’s ugly when jealousy rears its head in him. he doesn’t SAY anything but his actions become more erratic and he has a harder time focusing. it’s likely he’ll become more impulsive. he’s not DANGEROUs per se but it’s not a situation u want him in

How does envy manifest itself in them (they take what they want, they become resentful, etc)? envy he’s better about. mostly bc unlike w jealousy he doesn’t already have the thing. it’s smth he’ll just push down and soldier thru like he does w most uncomfy things in his life

Is sex something that they’re comfortable speaking about? To whom? oh MY GOD DONT TALK ABT SEX that’s SCANDALOUS- the answer is no he finds it unprofessional in his line of work but he would be comfortable discussing it w his s/o

What are their thoughts on marriage? good. he approves. however, for himself he finds the prospect unlikely considering the high risk nature of what he’s involved himself w. he expects to die before 35 in all seriousness

What is their preferred mode of transportation? in the sweet embrace of death horseback

What causes them to feel dread? the knowledge that everything’s falling apart. that fate and circumstance are slowly but surely chipping away at the very foundation of what u live for and there’s absolutely nothing u can do to stop it. also freaking the appearance of the antagonist or his minions

Would they prefer a lie over an unpleasant truth? in theory? no. in practice? he’s actually p sensitive that’s a difficult one to answer. it would greatly depend on the circumstance but in the long run he prefers the truth

Do they usually live up to their own ideals? yes but in his own eyes, no. he holds himself to extremely high standards and is very self critical. also he has rlly unachievable ideals he’s a lil bit idealistic beneath the guise of realism

Who do they most regret meeting? ohohOHO jk i have no idea not there yet in the story but prbly the antagonist he’s a b

Who are they the most glad to have met? funnily enough? he could almost say the antagonist. he’s the reason why eneko’s working as hard as he is for what he is. without the introduction of the antagonist he would’ve been oblivious to the terrible injustice around him and likely ended up a victim by some obscure mindless death order. however the person he truly admires is the rebel member who took him under her wing however she’s still in the works so i can’t give u much on her

Do they have a go-to story in conversation? Or a joke? i don’t think so, no

Could they be considered lazy? NOPE not in any sense of the word. eneko works extremely hard. he’s v dedicated n dutiful

How hard is it for them to shake a sense of guilt? oh, very hard. he’s naturally altruistic so he tends to take failures to heart and internalize them and considering the dangerous line of work he’s in he oftens has guilt building up inside him. he’ll likely carry it w him for the rest of his life once he’s decided to be guilty abt smth. if someone doesn’t help him w it it can break him down in ugly ways

How do they treat the things their friends come to them excited about? Are they supportive? yes!! he’s a pure son. you’ll definitely get a smile out of him if smth good has happened to u. he’s very supportive of his friends. he would die for his friends and likely all of u i just want u all to know this

Do they actively seek romance, or do they wait for it to fall into their lap?neither. he finds seeking romance irresponsible w his lifestyle. as i previously stated he expects to die young

Do they have a system for remembering names, long lists of numbers, things that need to go in a certain order (like anagrams, putting things to melodies, etc)? he has fairly good memory esp w faces! but otherwise? i would say he learns best by touch. he’s a tactile person and also fairly auditory. music defo helps him remember things

What memory do they revisit the most often? prbly the day he separated from his sisters. it’s not a particularly good memory but it’s seared in his mind

How easy is it for them to ignore flaws in other people? he doesn’t ignore ppl’s flaws per se? he’s p perceptive so it’s difficult for him to just turn a blind eye at least within his own mind but eneko is v tolerant of ppl and accepting. even if he dislikes u it’s doubtful you’ll know he’s fairly good at keeping up the same respect for most everyone he comes in contact w. but yeah? he knows what flaws are there but he will simply accept ppl bc he knows everyone, including himself, esp himself, has many flaws

How sensitive are they to their own flaws?oh oof yeah he’s?? a p sensitive guy so while he recognizes his own faults jabs to his weak spots will hurt him and he’ll prbly sit on the accusation or callout for days esp if someone accuses him of being selfish or immoral or not having done enough for the ppl he cares abt (smth along those lines) he’d absolutely hate that. but if u tell him he’s blunt he’s going to be like im well aware of that

How do they feel about children? he’s SUCH A DAD he loves kids and he’s rlly good w them they love him bc he’s SOFT ok but he doesn’t plan on having them himself even tho he’d like to for the exact same reasons he isn’t pursuing romance/marriage

How badly do they want to reach their end goal? enough that he’d die to reach it

If someone asked them to explain their sexuality, how would they do so?eneko is either demi or grasexual w pan preferences. he’s also panromantic. if someone asked for explanation he’d be like “i’m attracted to people of all genders” and just leave it at that unless ofc they were like RLLY curious or smth but he doesn’t rlly consider himself demi or pan or anything he just knows he isn’t straight LOL

QUESTIONS FOR CREATORS

A) Why are you excited about this character?…strong silent type. that’s all i have to sayB) What inspired you to create them?i’ve taken some inspiration from other characters from shows, etc. i’ve written so he’s a bit of a love child of the best of my musesC) Did you have trouble figuring out where they fit in their own story?im still figuring it out so that’s a probable yesD) Have they always had the same physical appearance, or have you had to edit how they look?he’s been edited a bit there were a few reincarnations of him like at first he had straight black hair in an undercut style but now it’s WAVY and dark brown and he also got darker. id say he’s like latino w a lil african blood this is esp amusing considering i literally created him last nightE) Are they someone you would get along with? Would they get along with you?i think we’d get along alright if we could get past the initial awkwardness bc we’re both kind of crap at interpersonal relationships actually he isn’t that bad it’s mostly me and i THINK he might find me slightly abrasive n energetic (even tho im PLOT TWIST low energy compared to most extroverts) but he’s tolerant it wouldn’t be too badF) What do you feel when you think of your OC (pride, excitement, frustration, etc)?love…. i love my soft boi i usually hate my ocs aka i would slap them if given the chance but eneko? deserves happinessG) What trait of theirs bothers you the most?he is not real in general and non existent in actual writing as of the present. the latter tragedy i will soon solve. in all seriousness it’s prbly his bluntness it has the tendency to give me second hand embarrassmentH) What trait do you admire most?his tolerance and patience i have none loLI) Do you prefer to keep them in their canon universe?for now, yes! i dont have a solid grasp of him so until then he’ll stay where he was BIRTHEDJ) Did you have to manipulate or exclude canon factors to allow them to create their character?not rlly! the entire story he’s in is still in the works so everything’s rlly flexible

#regneriisch #eneko #triad #long post #diavasi #dead what is my life #ykw if any of y'all are going to send asks just send a chara name i want to do tthis again and suffer w all my ocs #my ocs

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2dtacokit-blog · 7 years ago

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Me and fucking mirrors. I stare a lot in them and what i see usually makes very little sense. I dunno if its dissociation or dysphoria but it’s like i can see what is there and then... it shifts. I can hardly focus on any element of my appearance without trying to convince myself something else is there. I forget what i look like a lot, that is dissociation, but since dysphoria has been kicking my ass it has gotten worse. That is, unless I dress or work to transform myself into something my brain is prepared to take in/translate? If I stand in the mirror naked or in my pyjamas, without binding or making an effort to do my usual masc things, my eyes feel like they go weird. Kinda like a lens that is out of focus. We can see what is there but it doesnt compute with my brain. No amount of changing pose, hiding body parts, or whatever helps, it’s like my brain wipes what the mirror shows from my memory. So i just... stare at the mirror for ages. Zoning out over and over until i end up usually close to angry tears or wanting to hide.

Before I started trying to present masc, I would have the same issue but I didnt question my gender, just... hated the parts of my body that marked my gender. I would do my best to amplify those parts, look as femme as possible but I had the same issue... brain fuzz, discomfort, some kinda irritating thing that was going “well none of this is right”. So i assumed it was weight. Weight, scarring, stretchmarks, age, evidence of pregnancy. I grew obsessed with my weight and would switch between starving myself, binging when i felt i was gonna pass out, working out and denying myself any food after. At times i had to have encouragement to finish eating because inside a voice was screaming that I was gonna get fat again. I have barely spoken about this as it is ongoing and i am sick of having problems tbh. As I lost weight, i still had this “it’s not right” but it wasnt that i was fat. Staring at the mirror again like WTF, why is this body that is... not fat, not big at all really, quite small to be honest still making me distressed?!. I was the smallest I had been since my early teens and I was still unable to see my body? despite seeing it.

Is it the shape of the belly then? loathe it, so lets try and get it as flat as possible. As I got close to that milestone I loved how it felt when i closed my eyes but... Looking in the mirror again it was still wrong. Gender started coming in here, belly fat and the stretchmarks on my stomach since my pregancy I couldnt dissociate from my born gender, or the trauma associated. If i cover my body up in a tshirt then i can deal with it just about, until i look in the mirror and its like I have a ramp going from my neck just to nowhere, and my tshirts just hang straight off.The shape was wrong, and I could never get it right. I tried wearing tight fitted clothes for ages but that niggling, itchy, nettle stinging voice was saying it was still hideous and we hated it. If i saw this exact body on paper (why i draw it) I dont hate it or feel repulsed at all. If i see this body on another person i am not repulsed either. It is just on myself. On myself, in photos and in the mirror. So I tried sports bras, and my body had a sillohette of an attractive woman, the figure i thought i wanted all my life and yet it is still not fucking right is it?!

The presence of my breasts made me feel fat, even if they were hoisted high, presented neatly in a balcony bra or squished with a sports bra. I felt fat, and somehow that made me feel more female. Which for a long time i hadnt realised was kinda the problem. I associate weight in chest, hips, ass, thighs and tummy with femininity, all things i dont mind in anyone else but loathe in myself bcz my body should not be that. My body is curvy. Even as i lost a tonne of weight and work out 4 times a weak focussing almost entirely on weight training and heavy lifting, it is still curvy and that makes me feel very female. Which makes me feel very sad.

But it all gets confusing when i am standing there in the mirror, in a binder and masc clothes, face also done to look a lil more masc and what i feel then is sadness and rage. Mainly because i look like a nothing? I dont look like a guy, I do not look like a girl in that state so i look nothing. And that creates more distress. I try hard to dress to exaggerate my masc parts of my body (shoulders and back, legs), but my torso fucks it all up. That and my face because in all my trawling through the internet i havent found a guy that looks like me, mainly because i look like a hecking girl. But then again I dont look like a girl. I know this because I try from time to time to present as a girl in private because the frustration of looking like a nothing is too much and i feel i should be able to just, wear a bra and be okay again.

Bullshit. I stand in a bra in the mirror, wearing my girliest underwear and i want to vomit because i cant see my body again, even though i am staring intensely at it in the mirror. I dont look like any girl i know when i look in the mirror and i can feel my eyes trying to adjust parts to masc appearance. I look like a miserable, sad weird looking guyish thing trying to be a girl - which could be validating for my dysphoria in the sense it kinda goes HERE IS THE THING, but its agony, because i know when i take that girly stuff off and put the binder and masc stuff on, I see a stupid girl trying to be a guy. By this point i am fighting SI urges because i cannot think straight. I simultaneously look too big because of the presence of my fatty femme parts, and look too small because despite all my hard work building muscle is hard. I am somehow seeing myself in that mirror as a fat, gross girl and a skinny, imasculine guy.

I take tonnes of pictures because i try to get a glimpse of the person I saw in a shop window reflection that made me feel like i was rushing. I spend ages trying to pose to feel more masculine, but get the balance right because i cant go full guy, because nothing says “you are just a girl trying to be a guy” than being a girly bodied and faced person trying their hardest to look like a guy. That and I know those photos i cannot show anyone i really know except a few close friends. Like i can feel myself trying to go all the way guyish and then pulling back a bit out of fear and self hatred. My best days though are when I feel like i pass great and people are receptive of it, but those times are fleeting, because every night without fail the battle with the mirror continues and i am lying in bed, stoned out of my mind, ploughing through all my photos and pulling them apart.

Comparing them to actual guys and going “lol you are a complete joke, look at yourself, can you actually comprehend how stupid you look in all of these? quit this you tool.”. Then comparing them to girls and going “i dont look like them either but i also do? I dont want to look like them, they are beautiful but i dont want to look like them.”. Final round in my persecution, i return to the pictures of men who share similar qualities to me, and my drawings, and before i pass out go “you will never look like this, you are a fool for thinking it. Even if you did transition you would never look like this. This is not possible for you. It never will be. You dont deserve those pronouns, and you dont deserve the other ones. You do not exist, you cannot exist, you are so unbelievably pathetic, continually transferring onto fictional characters, dreaming you could look like them. It’s hysterical almost that you try this hard when you know it is impossible, That you are who you are, and who you are does not exist in any sodding form, because the one you want you cannot have, and the one you exist in is so wrong you can never fully see it anyway.”.

Just had to get that out of my system. Feels are high today, and struggling a bit. The double whammy of DID and gender dysphoria is making it very difficult to stay... in this realm of reality? bcz my brain keeps dissociating from it and doing literally everything in its power to detatch myself from my body and the reality where I am this weird freak thing. Like high school and primary school, and like almost all my trauma. Sorry for this BS rant.

#personal rant #trying to do better #i hate my brain #depersonalization

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thebutterflyranger · 7 years ago

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The Echo Of Your Absence: Chapter 2

The newest installment! I’m sorry it took so long. I really have no excuse except that writing is really hard. I’m already working on the next chapter, so hopefully it will be out quicker than this one.

This is actually the M rated version of the story. If you’re not about all the nsfw stuff, dont read below the horizontal line.

T rated version: Prologue, Chapter 1

M rated version: Prologue, Chapter 1

Enjoy..but it might be difficult because this chapter is really sad.

Will swallowed. His mind screamed at him to stop talking. To shut his mouth, take back his words and rip up the letter. He wanted to blurt out that it was just a joke and he didn't mean any of it. He wanted to erase everything and continue on, and leave Alyss blissfully ignorant.

But her piercing grey eyes were boring into his skull, waiting for an answer, and he could feel the anger and shock in her stare. He sighed heavily, grabbing the chair next to the bed and sat on it so that he was across from her. He rested his elbows on his knees and his face fell into his hands. He racked his brain desperately to find a way to make it easier to tell her, without upsetting her. But he knew that it was impossible. He rubbed his face wearily, then pulled his hands away and finally spoke, defeated.

"Halt sent a letter to King Sean, his nephew, and told him of the situation in Araluen," he started, not daring to look her in the eyes. "And then...he told him about you, and how you were with child, and how Araluen was getting too dangerous and there was nowhere for you to go. He asked Sean to take you into his care if things got out of hand here. It looks like he agreed." Will finally looked up at her.

Alyss was staring at him with a blank expression, her emotions unreadable. His throat went dry and he swallowed again. She glanced at the discarded letter on the bed, then back at him, her eyes narrowing. It was as if she couldn't fully comprehend what he had just told her.

"D-Did you know about this?" Her voice was shaking. Will wasn't sure if it was from anger or shock.

"I had no idea, I swear. He told me today."

She looked at him in disbelief. "But...you...D-did you agree?"

Will bit the inside of his lip. His brain was yelling at him again. Just say no! Say NO!

"Yes."

That was when Alyss's emotions surfaced. She feels like I betrayed her. Will's heart sunk. Her lips were trying to form words, but no sounds came out. He spoke before she got a chance.

"Alyss, just listen." He scooted his seat closer, meeting her accusing eyes with his sincere ones. "Halt is right. This is the only way to keep you safe. And...I-I should have thought of it sooner. We always rejected the idea of you leaving because you were always better off here. In Araluen. With me. But we can't keep ignoring the fact that that's not true. It's not safe here. It never was." He had reached forward and taken her hands, but they stayed limp in his hold.

"The war has begun and I have to go into battle with the soldiers. The men we gathered and trained for weeks...I-I can't leave them. There is not an inch of this country that is secure anymore. But... Hibernia is. If you go there, at least you'll be protected by the King. You can-" Alyss interrupted, snatching her hands away from him.

"No." She scooted away from him, pushing the bed covers roughly to the side. "No, no, no...Hell no."

Will closed his eyes and stifled a groan, utterly crestfallen. For a moment he thought it would be easy. Why did I think that?

"Alyss, if you would just-"

"No." Her words dripped venom. Her lip trembled with barely-contained rage and her glare was blazing fire. "Damn Halt. Damn him for going behind our backs and making this plan to...to rip apart our family."

Will opened his mouth to defend his master, but clamped it shut when she turned on him viciously, raining her ire down on him.

"And damn you, Will Treaty. Damn you! Damn you to hell for agreeing to all of this. You agreed without telling me, you bastard!”

"You swore to me." She came close and jabbed her finger into his chest, accusing and unforgiving, making him wince. "You swore that we would get through all of this together. You said that whatever happened, we would figure it out. Together. Did you forget that? This, sending me away...getting rid of me! This isn't what you promised me."

Her anger made her stutter, but her tone wasn't any less frightening. She jabbed at his chest again, harder. "You lied to me. You-you liar!"

Her last words punctured his heart like a barbed arrow, sticking to him and choking him up. They struck him more painful than her forceful jabs. He looked up into her eyes and saw the fury and betrayal in them and he knew that she saw the pain and anguish in his. He opened his mouth to say something, anything, but she didn't allow him.

"I will go into battle and fight with you." Her voice was low and her tone was final. When he started shaking his head she snapped at him viciously. "Yes. I. Will."

"And if you die in this hopeless bloody war, I will die with you."

In that moment, Alyss wasn't thinking straight. Her stomach was hurting with trepidation and her mind was muddled with fury. She clenched her fists, clutching the bedsheets,making herself into a solid wall that couldn't be moved. Will couldn't make her leave. There was nothing in the world that would make her leave his side now. She could see his clenched jaw, and his struggle to keep from yelling in frustration.

Let him scream, she thought, I'll scream louder.

"I don't want you to go, Alyss," said Will through gritted teeth. "But it isn't just about you and me anymore. It's about our child. You have to think about it...it's future."

Their child. The baby.

She had forgotten. But her brain wouldn't let her stop to think about it.

"I don't care about the child!" she snarled. Alarm bells shrieked in the back of her mind the moment she said the words, and the wall she had created started to crack.

Will flinched at her words, horrified, his eyes filling with tears. "Don't say that. God, Alyss...don't say that!"

The wall shook, threatening to fall apart.

"I don't." She whispered. "I…"

But before Will could even say anything, the wall crumbled. Because, of course Alyss cared about her child. Her expression flipped drastically from anger to anguish in just a few seconds, and she hung her head. She wrapping her arms around her stomach - around her unborn baby. As her hands were pressed to it, she could feel it's small kicking. Guilt washed over her and she covered her mouth to hold back a sob.

Without ever seeing it's face, or hearing it breathe, or feeling its skin, she loved it with every beat of her heart. And Will knew this. It was the only reason why he was doing all of this.

"I'm sorry," she whispered, her voice trembling. Will went onto his knees at the foot of the bed, resting his elbows on the bed and took her cold hands. He said nothing but pressed his lips to them gingerly, warming them. He had already forgiven her.

But now Alyss's wall was broken, and she knew that everything Will told her was the truth.

She had to leave.

Will reached up to smooth back her hair and wipe the lone tear that fell onto her cheek. He stretched up to kiss her forehead, his hands going into her hair. He saw the misery that washed over her, the same feeling that he had been drowning in since he walked into the small cabin. She held onto his arms, melting into him. She whispered something, so soft that he had to move his ear closer to her and ask her gently to repeat it.

"Come with me."

Will pulled away, holding her face tenderly and stroking her cheek with his thumb. She saw the despair in his eyes, and the tears that filled them. He shook his head, slow and full of regret.

"I can't."

Her jaw clenched, fighting to hold back a sob. "Why?"

"You know why." She did. And she knew that she had to accept it. But Will...

"I can't leave you."

"You must."

"But you'll die."

"But you will live. And so will our child."

Alyss was no longer holding back her tears. The salty droplets fell onto Will's hands, but he made no move to wipe them away. She wrapped a hand around his wrist and pushed her cheek into his palm, closing her eyes.

"But, Will," her voice was a soft croak. "How will I live without…?" She bit her lip and her voice trailed off when she lost control of her emotions.

But her question was an important one. How will I live without you?

He hung his head, his forehead resting on her stomach. As if in response to his touch, he felt the baby tapped against him lightly. Will jerked back in surprise and stared at that point of Alyss's stomach. He glanced up at her face, knowing she felt it too.

He sat back, looking at her from afar. He drank in her tear-stained face, her bloodshot eyes, her trembling lips. Her shift had slipped off her shoulder, leaving it bare except for her sleep-curled hair that fell across it. She had tucked her legs underneath her, and when he had pulled away from her, she had wrapped her arms around her baby bump, making her look smaller and more vulnerable than she was. Her grey eyes didn't break away from his, and the tears that fell freely from them left glistening patterns on her cheek, illuminated by the firelight.

She reminded Will of a ethereal goddess; so unworldly, and so breathtakingly beautiful. From his place on the ground, he had to look up as she stared down at him. If I came upon her in some forest, I would worship her without hesitation, he thought.

He rose to knees slowly, drawing back to her. He bowed his head, pressing his lips to the slope of her stomach and staying that way for a few moments, sending love to his child the only way he could think of. Then he wrapped his arms around her and lifted his head, tilting it upwards to meet her awaiting lips. His kiss was deep and burning with passion, igniting them both.

"I'm sorry," he breathed raggedly between kisses. "I'm so sorry."

He clutched onto her, afraid that if he let go she would disappear. She kissed him back with a visceral hunger and gripped him just as tightly, her tears mingling with his as they flowed down his face like a waterfall.

A question that hadn't occurred to her suddenly popped into her mind, and she pulled away from him. Will moaned at the sudden loss of contact, longingly following her lips with his eyes, but she put a hand on his shoulder to keep him back.

"When?" She asked softly, her voice trembling. She held her breath, terrified about what the answer would be.

When is the expiration date? she thought, bitterly. When is our time's up?

She didn't think he could look any more sorrowful, but when she saw the expression that crossed his face, her heart sank at how wrong she was. She gripped his hand tightly, and he shut his eyes, hanging his head once more. When she spoke, her voice was barely a whisper.

"Tell me."

He looked into her eyes, the tears leaving trails down his face.

"Tomorrow."

That night, beneath the press of his body, Alyss couldn't keep still. The feel of his skin rubbing pleasurably against hers was too much to deny, and her limbs moved over him, bringing more of the sweet friction. Her hands explored his arms, back and hips. Her legs ran up and down the length of his. And all the while her body was explored in turn, fingers, lips and tongue tracing over her skin, eliciting shivers and moans and whimpers that sometimes sent him careening back to her mouth to drink greedily all of the noises she emitted and to kiss all the tears that spilled from her lust-glazed eyes.

One well toned arm slipped lower, and a cool palm rested against the fevered skin of her inner thigh, its gentle nudge requesting access to places not yet explored. From behind closed lids, Alyss' eyes rolled back and she shifted her legs. Will's weight slid between her thighs, as a pressure she did not have to see to identify made itself known against her.

"Yes." It was a hiss, a whisper, a prayer. He was her personal star; her broken god. Who better to pray to than him?

The palm at her thigh moved to cup her mound, one finger carefully pushing into her folds; searching amidst the tender flesh. At her ear, Will's breath was ragged and uneven. His touch left trails of electric tingles in its wake, and when at last he found her access, she pressed her hand against his, pushing the finger into her, showing him the way.

She heard his broken gasp by her ear, and his fingers pushed against her ardently, trying to help give him access to the deepest parts of her core. The throbbing pressure at her hip reacted in turn, becoming uncomfortably rigid between their bodies.

The hand on top of Will's slid over to the source of her discomfort, thick and hot against her palm. The breath at her ear stopped completely, and he removed his hand from her core obediently. Slender fingers took hold of him, guiding the hand towards the place that ached to have him delve and claim-

"Alyss," her name was that same throaty croak it had been in that tower at Macindaw; raw and pleading. For as long as she lived, no matter what happened tomorrow, Alyss would never forget the way her name sounded on Will's lips this night.

She placed the velvety tip at her entrance and Will groaned, his lips pulling at the skin beneath her ear, his tongue stroking the fragile skin as it had her lip.

Alyss moved her hands to his flanks and spread her thighs wide, making it clear that nothing held him back from her but his own restraint.

She remembered him being afraid to touch her after she was pregnant; he had feared that he would hurt the child during the process. That fear was now long forgotten.

"Alyss," he whispered and she opened her eyes to see his face above hers. Brown eyes stared back at her. His expression was unguarded and tender, but she could see the sorrow in them.

It would be the last time.

The firmness at her entrance bore down, and Alyss felt her insides stretch and fill; a place hidden deep within her thrumming wildly when his manhood struck it fully. Alyss cried out and watched Will's eyes glaze and his lips part slightly; it was clear that whatever place had just struck such an accord with Alyss had the same powerful effect on him as well.

Will's hips began to move, driving himself deep into her with slow, rhythmic movements, finding with each stroke that place within her that had them both panting and holding tightly to one another. Will's mouth returned to hers, claiming her tongue with a sweep of his own.

Gentle hands went beneath her body, gripping her bottom and pulling it to him with every thrust of his hips, but always mindful of her swollen stomach. Alyss bucked her hips into him in kind. She needed to have him completely. She needed him to be as far within her as possible. Her hand pressed down on the back of his neck, deepening their kiss into something needful and covetous and desperate.

The speed of their combined efforts steadily increased, until Will was gasping and Alyss whimpering from beneath their bruised and battered lips. No longer gentle or cautions, he drove himself into her desperately, moaning her name between other inarticulate sounds.

Alyss' lips moved from her lover's kiss to his throat, drawing flesh gently between her teeth and leaving red blotches in her wake. The hiss above her, and the hand that reached up to cradle her head only encouraged her boldness. She allowed her teeth to go a little harder against his skin, hearing Will moan his appreciation. They were marks for him to remember when she was gone.

Her sensitivity only increasing at the friction of their actions, Alyss's insides tightened around him, drawing the pleasure closer and closer to the surface. She could feel it swelling within her, like a bomb ready to self destruct. Her mouth ceased to travel along the shaft of his throat, his skin forgotten between her teeth until her walls constricted around his hardness in a forceful spasm and she was tossing her head back, crying out her ecstasy to the heavens above.

And Will surged within her, his release heating her inner walls, wave after wave as he bruised her back and buttock in his steel-trap grip. The force of his final thrust struck that sensitive place within her almost painfully, Will's voice breaking from his throat as he lost himself to the passion that consumed him completely.

Alyss' body grew limp and heavy, and it took an enormous effort to enfold her lover's shoulders within her arms. Will's body fell partially on top of her - off of her stomach, trembling. He nestled his head against her ear. Slowly, Alyss lifted a hand to his head, drawing her fingers through locks of soft brown.

She didn't stop the sob from escaping her throat. The consuming pleasure had all faded away, leaving her crippled with despair.

It was the last time. The last time they would hold each other in the wee hours of the night. The last time they would move together in a dance only they knew. The last time he would leave her breathless and trembling by his touch. The last time she would hear the melody of his moans when her mouth explored him.

The last time.

When he heard, Will's trembling stopped and he slowly pulled his face away from her neck to look at her. He shifted so that they were facing each other, one hand coming up to cup her face and the other rested tenderly on her stomach. Their eyes were fixed on the other's face, memorizing every detail and imprinting the image into their mind. They didn't dare to utter a word and they just watched as the tears dripped soundlessly down their cheeks. They stayed silent in the still night.

But for them, the night was not peaceful nor quiet.

Because Will and Alyss could both hear it as they lay in bed gazing only into each other's eyes. The din swirled around them like a vicious hurricane, and they both knew what it was.

It was the keening, ear splitting, deafening sound of their hearts breaking.

Please let me know what you thought. I worked very hard on this chapter and would really appreciate the feedback. :)

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