#i dont know what trigged this idea

[barbwalken]

Day 18

Satanic ritual fueled by homoerotic hatred

[oddclan-askblog]

Creaking hinges followed by the shrill ding of a bell rang into the back of the kitchen. Moments later Jarta emerged from the back of the kitchen. The final wave of customers, a dead tired looking trio of sligs, sat at a staggered wooden table near the back of the bar. They were familiar faces and Jarta was relieved to finally be in good company. 

He shuffled over to their table, his arms filled with drinks,”We’re looking a little rugged tonight, how about I fix that with some of these?”

“Oh hell yeah, been waiting for this one all day!” Silt snatched one of the fizzing silver bottles straight out of Jarta’s paws and chugged it down lightning quick. He was an obnoxious and noisy drunk but by odd did he rack up a nasty tab. He was also blue which was kind of weird but cool at the same time. 

One guest flopped their striped tunic onto their chair before sitting down, “Dont get too drunk i’m not paying you off this time.” The fabric looked brand new and jarta was pretty sure it was mudokon made. 

“Yeah yeah, don't twist yourself into a knot over it,” Silt turned to the other guest at the table,”fill in for me if I don't make it tomorrow will ya.” He teased. 

“Like hell I will!” Delta snapped snatching the bottle away from him. Silt jumped back with a yelp. She was in a foul mood, more so than usual. 

Trig rolled his eyes,”We’ll have our same old if you don't mind Jarta.” He dropped a small leather bundle on the edge of the table. He didn't bother checking the purse, he knew it would have the full amount.

“Oh not at all, I’ll be out in a jiff.” He was eager to get away, tonight was not a social one unfortunately.

 In the back of the building Jarta sifted through storage cursing himself for not keeping better stock of what he had. Though the amount of business was usual, Raaf was late on supply runs a lot lately and Jarta had no idea why. His normally chipper friend was now sullen and ragged like he wasn't taking care of himself. Jarta sighed as he stumbled into his spare inventory. He had just enough ingredients to fill this order so long as he used a substitute for the deep fryer. He doubted Trig or the others would notice the difference in flavor but it still bothered him to be sending out a make-do product. He jotted down a note with the needed ingredients and stapled it out back by the boat ramp. He usually left a list for Raaf in case Jarta wasn't able to tell him what he needed in person. He paused briefly and added something to the note before heading back in. 

As the smells of cooked food filled the diner Jarta went back to the table to check in on his customers. He brought out more bottles of fizz knowing full well Silk would go through at least three before the night was done. The trio still seemed pretty sullen in spite of the nice aroma,”You guys are more upset than normal, what's going on?”

“There's some strange swamp monster out in the woods lately,” Trig popped the cork off of his bottle and took a swig,”Already snatched one of our own up.” 

“Something supernatural?” He’d heard rumors of some strange factory worker mud who went around exploding Sligs. Jarta’s blood boiled at the thought of someone like that hurting any of his friends.

“This aint no stitched lipped weirdo mud.” Silt waved a hand dismissively. It's something much bigger and worse, with razor sharp teeth.”

“And fast as lightning according to Zulu who survived it.” Delta spoke quietly, almost struggling. He figured she knew the victim too even if she couldn't speak their name. 

“I’m sorry for your loss.” His words did little to comfort her. Jarta dug Trigs purse out and tossed it on the table,”Meal and drinks are on the house tonight.” Even if he didn't have much in the way of extra food he’d make it work somehow. The Sligs perked up significantly at this. 

“Thanks Jarta!” Trig chirped. 

“No problem.” An electronic alarm buzzed from the back of the kitchen, the food was done. He hurried back into the kitchen and added a warning to the grocery list. Raaf more than likely knew there was something dangerous out there. As Jarta emerged with platters of food he put on the fakest smile of his life and really hoped no one would see through to the terror underneath. 

---

Went through art block for a week but finally banged out my first real post. Asks are open for any of these guys, I'll be posting more art of them in the future.

The slig closest to Jarta is Trig, the blue one is Silt, and the one with the neck bands is Delta.

[thechaoticplayer]

Questions for you, because you're smart;

What is your opinion on the role of Communism in modern society?

How do you balance personal ambition with the needs and expectations of ypur family and community?

How do you reconcile the pursuit of beauty with the current societal and cultural that often perpetuate harmful physical standards?

IM NOT FUCKING SMART I TOLD U THIS

Well, as I grew up in the US, I've been basically taught that Communism was bad due to yk, the USSR. Even though the USSR was on the allies side, we clearly didnt share almost all the same views (an enemy of my enemy is my friend type shit) and then blam the USSR collapsed. I dont think it's a major problem in society now, as democracy kinda took over nationwide. I dont see much Communists (I'm in america duh- however the us doesnt mind what you think as long as you arent problematic with it) so I dont really have a strong opinion about it

ARGHHH THIS ONE. To be totally fair, my ambitions aren't really solid, I guess you can say? I just do what my parents want 😭😭 I want to live life without stressing over things that wont even matter in the future, like tf I'm never going to find the angle of a triangle when I'm 70 something years old king 😭🙏 and of course, my parents push me bc they want the best life for me as possible, but I kinda disagree with them at times because I'm comfortable where I'm at at this point. So I guess I focus on one thing at a time- let's for example i have a history test tmrw and a math test tuesday. My parents are expectant of me to get at least a passing grade on my math test bc I'm not really good at math (eugh trig...), however if I remain focusing on the math test there isnt a guarantee I'll get a good grade for history tmrw. So I'm taking one step at a time, prioritize which task is of the utmost importance and all that. As for my community, I dont really interact with them much, I prefer to stay locked up in my house instead- so I suppose just put what needs to come first first and not stress about everything so much, it'll all come together soon

BROTHER THIS ACTUALLY IS SO TRUE. Well first up I try not to care about how society tries to portray as "ideal beauty" because the idea of beauty is fluid, no? A person can think this is beautiful, and another could think that is beautiful. It really depends on the person, but theres always a dominating trait that is "desired", for example, a lot of guys I know want a girl with a big dump truck. I obviously do not have this and I could care less about having it. I'm also very fucking scrawny, and most people I know always are like, "why are you so skinny, do you not eat?" Like dude I have fast metabolism what can I say- personally, I kinda dont care and do care what society thinks as "ideal". I think having that half and half feeling for that is good because you dont want to destroy yourself just because sOcIeTy said so. As long as you're happy and confident with who you are, how you look, etc, people will find that alone beautiful and admirable. Just own your shit royalty 👑 also I lie to myself 🙏 JS PLAYING LMAO

[t-lindamore]

I’ve got it bad

I look at my teacher but all i can see is your face, how your eyes locked with mine as you wait for me to ask for a card

The lights in my brain are flashing, trying to figure out this card game I don't understand while I can feel the heat of your gaze

The wink your friend gave me 10 seconds earlier when he told me we were paired up

I try to do my homework but all i can think about is you, how you wouldnt sit in the circle and sat behind me instead

Not knowing what to do because your sitting behind me, do i turn around or keep looking straight ahead ignoring you

All i can hear is you singing along to the music under your breath, saying your favorite line which is actually wildly inappropriate

Sure i can do a pistol squat and maybe a handstand but you show me up with your upper body strength

You can climb the rope almost effortlessly, even though you're not a gym rat, you've never benched and I watch you see where you fail.

I could write a whole essay with my memories of you, how you came in and sat down at the table, ravenous because you hadn’t eaten all day

Sure that scared me and was almost a trigger but instead I felt bad because I know your family life isn't perfect

The cloth seats in your car that squeak infinitely as you drive us around in you shaking car

Your mom had called you on the phone, the fear in your eyes as you realized you had accidentally declined it

Complaining the whole way home that you don't want to go home, your sister has everything and you got socks for christmas

I know how you feel when your family suffocates you and you never want to go home 

As you walked into trig after that weekend and you actually smiled at me, no half smile but a smile with your whole face.

That made my day, you have no idea how happy that made me and how its just another moment added to my own movie 

Where you are the star. 

Wearing your green colored crewneck and the floral blazers even though they dont match but because they are my favorite ones

I hope you snap me back and I wish I could text you. please just let me be friends with you

I know you've got girls who are crazy about you and i can never hope to compete with ellie tweedie but if i could i would

Please tell me your thinking about me too

-TM

[owenxbentley]

He didn't want to let her go, he never did. But it just happened they had to turn him down for the first time. "It's not on you love, I've been coming to the states since was twenty five sometimes for weeks or months at a time" it adds up. But he knew with how long he had been staying longer and buying a home to stay in. It just was what trigged them to look into him more. He nodded he knew it was shocking to hear, they hadn't been a couple for that long so it was very soon. "I do someday I want marry you... I love you but not like this" this made it so rushed and had to happen. "My idea was if we just...for now get married on paper ... " he looked at her and held the side of her face in his hand. "I want this for real someday... me asking you since I know you are my one... but I dont want to have to go..." so he knew this was one way for them to stay for sure. @lucysmedina

She leaned into touch and looked at him. She was trying her hardest not to be overemotional with the news, but her hormones were definitely making her be. "I know. Its not how I want it either." Luciana agreed. She knew it wasn't what either of them wanted, but it was what was happening anyways. "And then you met me. I ruined it for you. I'm sorry." She apologized. If she hadn't come into her life, things would've stayed the same for him and he wouldn't be in this mess. Owen's next words caught her off guard and she moved back a little to look at him. "Married?" She asked and knew he was right. People did it all the time. Why couldn't they? "Is that what you want to do?" @owenxbentley

[fierceawakening]

Do you have a masterpost about research? Ive recently turned 20 and I still ship many of the things I shipped when I was a minor. Because of Tumblr I feel a lot of guilt and uneasy mixed feelings. I deleted all my blogs a month ago out of shame. I keep wondering if somethings wrong with me. I haven't outgrown my interest in fictional teens. I almost dont see them as teens at all, but I dont know if that's cope? Or does it not mean anything other than, "I like X characters so I want them to fuck"

I don’t have a master post. I can try to make one, but that was mainly me getting entirely too pissed off at 3am. What I can do is go through my YT history recently. I got fascinated by the Woody Allen thing and wondered why... (poss trig)

like, what he allegedly did was one very brief incident of touching, right, and he was touching her; she wasn’t touching him. That seems... more about power or something than about his satisfaction, so I got curious and started watching lectures on the topic. They said... well, a lot of the stuff at that link. That it seems like feeling overwhelmed by negative emotions precedes offending, and... really made it sound kind of like an emotional release valve thing rather than mostly confusion about whether kids truly consent.

(There’s one expert they cited in one of the podcasts on the Allen allegations where one expert makes this very point. That while grooming is a thing, the actual offense may take a very short time, and the idea that “but they were just here, I’d know if they took kid off somewhere!” can be false. That some offenders may actually like it that way because not getting caught is part of the thrill. Idk what I think on that—there were some bits I wanted to fact check—but it was Interesting.)

Fandom’s not doing that. I don’t see why anyone would think it is.

Honestly, my suspicion is that it’s just often “I like x characters and I want to see them fuck.” I can’t say that I’ve been in every fandom, but I do think that a lot of fandoms arise out of media for young people, and that often the protagonists of that media are teens. I think a lot of people just sit down to write about their faves without thinking about what age they’re presented as.

I actually personally don’t tend to ship underage (I’ve done it, but it’s not like A Thing with me.) But I know that... I’m middle aged, but I don’t tend when I’m sitting down to write fic to feel like I need the characters to be my age to be relatable. They already are who they are. I’m just asking what if x or y happened? So if that’s two getting together in a sexual way where there’s some canon, like there may have been in Voltron fandom (it was never clear to me and I never got into that show) that one teammate is 19 and another is 15, I... don’t know whether I’d notice, tbh. I’d just write. If I knew there was an issue I might age one up, because the idea I like is “teammates as lovers bc no one else understands” not “underage.” But I’d probably just tag and move on with my life.

Or. Like. One of my MCU ships is Proxima and Corvus, because they’re married in other media. In the MCU, depending on which conflicting origin story for the Black Order you believe, they MIGHT be adoptive siblings. So I have an incest ship, WOO SCARY. Except it’s not the idea they’re technically siblings I like, it’s villain ships that love one another. I do sometimes like playing with the idea that because Thanos is a horrible person, they’re stuck having an incestuous relationship, not because that’s sexy or ideal but because abusive parents isolate their kids from the Bad Outside World.

But like. None of that stuff is about the messed up thing being what’s SEXY. It’s either incidental, or it’s an interesting warped thing where I’m wondering “so what does that actually do to these people?”

Where fanpol always and forever seem to think we’re churning out content to win accolades from the Woody Allens of fandom.

???

Do we know we even HAVE those? I mean I’m sure some creeps are in fandom. But the idea that they’re the primary audience for amateur smut by nerdy AFAB queers?

I don’t buy it.

[inessencedevided]

The Untamed, episode 49 - watching notes

*takes deep breath* ONLY TWO EPISODES LEFT!!! 😭😭😭

Btw, this is how I spent my day. Baking a subtly shippy pie for my family, who thought I had mixed up the date easter falls on 😅

Therapy-baking to cope with the end of a show aside, I'm still not ready for this show to end 🥺

I still find it hilarious how little patience wwx has for jgy's villain act 😅

Like bitch, you wanna talk tragic villain backstory? You got nothing on me 🤨

Yeah, I thought the "my friend" part was a bit rich, too :/

I get that jgy, like all good villains (If he really is the villainof this story is debatable, but for tha sake of this argument I'llrun with it) doesn't think of himself as such, but he's got to realise the magnitude of his betrayal towards lan Xichen

Wait what?

What did jgy do at the burial mounds specifically that has lxc renounce their friendship ALREADY? 😳

Ah! or was that off-screen during the previous episodes when lxc got trigged into this situation?

What do they say about the anger of a gentle man?

Oooh, so the fact that jgy acted now was due to the letter! I feel a bit dumb that I hadn't realised that 😅

"Do you really not believe in me at all?" ARE YOU KIDDING ME??? HE DID!

He believed in you when no one else would!!!

I just noticed that that's another parallel to wangxian. Only ... 😬

That shot gives me goosebumps...

Those red robes are beautiful :'(

Poor Quin Su ...

Jgy saying to lxc that his naivety shocks him ... well that's the point, right? That's why he could fool lxc like this. I'm not sure if naivety is entirely the word I'd use, but I can't find a better one right now 🤔

But it's definitely the right word for the way he saw jgy. Maybe it's the fact that lxc naturally assumed that because HE didn't see jgy social standing, jgy wouldn't either. But jgy could never shake off his parentage because both his environment and his own ambitions never let him

So of course jgy thought he "had no choice". The choice was between doing the right thing and giving up his status he had fought so hard for or doing the wrong thing and keeping it. To him it wasn't a choice

And he's right, that's a position none of the cultivators present, not even wwx would have ever had to face

Still

FUCK JIN GUANGSHAN!!!!! 🤬🤬🤬

I can emphasize with almost everyone in this story at least somewhat

But that guy can go fuck himself

Fuck, did he just slap him? 😳

Lan Xichen is honestly way beyond his limit

Didn't we already establish that Jin Guangyao arranged for the confrontation that lead to Jin Zixuan's death?

Okay, no I just gathered that from context when we learned that Su She had played the second flute 😅

Oh Jin Ling 😥

Yes, life isn't fair. The world isn't fair. Frankly, there is no one in the cultivation world who isnt at least guilty of some crimes by virtue of doing nothing

BUT THAT'S NO REASON TO DECIDE TO BEST THEM AT THEIR OWN GANE BY BECOMING ARGUABLY EVEN WORSE THAN THEM!!!

Argh!

What an awesome shot!!! 😳😳😳

Sometimes this show's cinematography is just *chef's kiss*

"Women are trouble, especially those who have read a few books."

*takes a deep breath* *screams into pillow*

I'm good

I know patricite is frowned upon but ... that's the one thing i can't be angry at jgy for 🤷‍♀️

Not saying it's right, just that I'm not particularly angry about it 😅

Nooo! You won't dare to hurt the ONLY FUVKING PERSON WHO HAS ABSOLUTELY NO FAULT IN YOUR MISERY!

🤬

"He hid it inside his body"

He did what now? o__O

Ugh

Jiang Cheng offering himself up for Jin ling 😢

For a second there I thought the banging on the door was a gunshot and was REALLY confused 😅

Sometimes I forget Huaisang is even there and then they'll show his shocked and I'm like ohhhh you're still here 😅

Who?

Lan Sizhui! How is it that everyone in this town???

I swear to got if Lan Sizhui dies now I'm going feral 🤬

Mingjue! 😳

First of all I GOT ONE PREDICTION RIGHT! 🥳

But ... wasn't he in that coffin BEHIND them???

Hä?

Ah okay, it's wen Ning not Nie Mingjue

Explains why he was with Sizhui

I have a new kink. It's wwx controlling spirits by whistling 😳

Ohhh shit

Is this how jgy dies?

Holy shit that's a lot of blood

Awww, jiang Cheng called out for wwx with the same concern he called for Jin ling *sniff* :')

Ugh

Ugh

Another lost arm

Was it baxia or lwj? 😳

IT WAS LAN WANGJI! 😱

What? Why?

Why is it attacking Jin Ling???

Omg Wen Ning is still there 😭😭😭

Oh Wen Ning

So much stronger than anyone gives him credit for

I'm crying you guys 🥺

Oh my god

Guys ...

That little moment right here!!!!

Of Wei Wuxian using demonic cultivation and obviously Lan Xichen is worried, but Lan Wangji tells him, with just a glance that it's okay and then with an other glance to wwx that he trusts him. And there's a nod and a little smile from both of them. No words needed. And I don't even know if lan Wangji knows what wwx is planning exactly, but it doesn't matter because he trusts him without question and wwx knows it and accepts it and ... guys

It's such a little moment but it's EVERYTHING

A little nod and a smile

"I know you. I trust you"

This is it guys

This is endgame and I'm so so glad I started this show :')

I wish you guys could see how wide my smile is right now 💙🖤

JIANG CHENG KEPT CHENQING!!! 😭

How?

How am I even supposed to begin to describe what that expression makes me feel? 🥺

Now we have the perspective of the stygian tiger amulet? 😳

Ooh, dies he want to reunite the sword and Mingjue?

Shit

Why DID su she want to kill Huaisang??

Well that went differently than expected

Guess he's dead 😬

I don't quite understand where baxia came from btw

I know it was missing but I dont remember where we last saw it 🙈

Sure it's a great idea to bury the amulet? Wouldn't destroying it be safer? It's not like no one ever desecrates graves in this world 😬

Favourite wangxian specific trope: lwj will always be there to catch :') wwx apart from that one time but we don't talk about that

"I'm dying!" Gotta love Nie Huaisang 😂

Even now, Lan Xichen show jgy kindness

I'm in awe of that man

Ohhhh!

The paper butterfly!

Does Sizhui remember?

Um

What did Huaisang just do there?

Was that ... a lightbulb?

The fuck????

The fuck?????

Tbe fuck?????

Sjoiiiiiiittyvgybsnnhk

Chkckvh

Huaisang...

What?

He wasn't there

WHST????

WHAT?

Did Huaisang just ... purposefully get Xichen to stab jgy????

Or was that camera angle a misdirection?

WHAT'S HAPPENING?

Also Lan Xichen JUST STAPED JGY ON ACCIDENT!

He probably just killed him on accident!!!

What t f happened to my ship!?!? 😭

@sweetlittlevampire @fandom-glazed @elenirlachlagos @allhailthedramallama @luckymoony @kyrrahbird @i-love-him-on-purpose

No time for pleasantries!!! I'm off to the next episode 😳😬

[queersadguy]

Fucked up sexuality?

TRIGGER WARNING:

judgemental, homophobbic, aphobic, or easily offended people DO NOT READ THIS BLOG its essentally like a coming out story, im keeping my full identity anonymous.

For starters "Queer" does not necessarily mean gay, but an umbrella term to describe anyrhing other than straight. The original definition of queer (in british terms) means odd, strange or different.

INITALLY POSTED IN LATE 2020/EARLY 2021

Edited/UPDATED MAY 17 2022 as things are changing

_______________

The back Story

In High school I knew I was different then every one else, everyone started dating and I wasnt but wasnt really interested, I figured something was up, then later learned about asexuality and aromaticm, I knew what asexual was before I heard the term.

As many may relate in HS your body has also changed or in that prosses so (if your a guy) you may experience hard ons, it was more random at the time but by about junior year I found myself being more attracted to guys than girls, skinnier guys, my arousal also seemed to settle and have a trigger, (Still no interest in dating), but this trigger wasnt like everyone elses, But instead on some (but few) guys, partically ones with a skinny or average proportion, little or no body/leg hair, and looks. Gays know what this is its what would be called "twink"(I wouldnt learn this word till 8 years later). But it wasnt really that much of an issue at the time.

As time progressed it slowly became worse and easier triggerd, it can become a problem if it isnt wanted, and its not sexual related but triggerd by presence and observing, but again not something I thought about to much.

_________

Fast fowerd to june 2020

So as stated before

Had this "Twink problem" since at least High School, but at the time I paid little or no mind to it, "shrugged it off" , didnt think much about it, told myself nah cant be . It wasnt untill recently in 2020 that the fact couldnt be denyed any longer, especally during "horny season"

(Where I was staying there were dogs and alot if cats, first the dogs went into heat, then the cats, & my roomates (possibly)then I was feeling horny) where I seemed to be very easily aroused, way more than what it was before. It became rock hard just buy seeing pictures of lesser dressed "twinks" on ifunny & IG. I felt "thirsty" for more during this brief time & started Dabbling a little with porn too. This is where I learned what onlyfans was and that there was a word for "it"'. ^

Luckaly (maybe due to self consiousnes, autism, or lack of experience/exposure), and thinking that our society is too "sexualized" and to much importance is placed on it. This keeps me in the Asexual catagory, but with backwards working libido. Arousal alone does not neccessarily determine orientaion.I dont exactly know what sexual attraction is or feels like and not sure if thats what im experiencing (or not) Im also pretty sure im aromantic. (I dont fell like im missing much without a relationship), keep in mind in still technically a virgin

Click this link to learn what asexuality is :

https://www.whatisasexuality.com/intro/

When Arousal happens (if its wanted) its a drive not directed anywhere in particular & there is little or no desire for any traditional "partnerd sex". I dont really "fantasise" in the normal mannor in masterbation (Dissacoication of myself and images) In fact im slightly repulsed by some sex (especslly the idea of oral or on recieving end of gay sex, "bottoming"). Arousal dips dramatically when its full nude.

Even if I do get aroused, or want to be, I dont always act on such feeling or urges

It primarily is trigged by lesser dressed (but not nude) twinks. Underwear models and posing trap posts, would be a non kinky example. (This is basically porn for me) see some of my liked photos. I dont know why but I find twinks or twink like bodies Athsedicly appealing, and at times arousing as well. I dont seem to be attracted to other body types of dudes though, in fact quite the opposite. It just seems that I have a thing for twinks partically ages 19,early-mid 20s.

I do however sometimes question (or think) about sex "topping". But vary rarely, and not in line or same time as arousal. Though I think no right after. Im indifferent to traditional sex.

I feel like its slowly progessing and developing as im less cringy on this stuff than I used to be, like porn, or fetishes for example, and I seem to be at least pondering the idea of sex more oftenly, especally after the late "discovery".

Arousal and sexual attraction although commonly confused or thought of as the same are two different things. Although they can be corelared, one can exist without the other . See this link:

https://asexualitytrust.org.nz/what-is-asexuality/attraction-vs-arousal/

______________________

About the word twink:

Twink is an all out gay slang word and many gays are into this type of thing.

Twink definition:

A slang term (typically used by gays, but no other word for this exists) to decribe how someone can look in this case its

Generally attractive young men typically ages 18 thru the 20s with youthful apperence. Slightly slim to average build/proportion with little or no body hair, little noticable mucle tone, (although some may have abs) and commonly white.

Twinks can be dark haired or blonde. Twinks may or may not be gay (this is a descriptive term for apperance). As much as 15% of the young male population can be considered this.

This is a base definition although everyones definition varies slightly.

Also its been made provocative and sexualized, Mainly by the porn industry. Im NOT referring to the word twink in a sexual context (per say)

_______________________

The confusion

Where did this "backward libido" come from and how and why? What caused this? I didnt wake up one day and say "i think ill like dudes" It isnt a choice it just is. Theres no gene in the family either.

Despite these id rather see a naked chick (I dont mind seeing tits or buttux if there nice) than any naked guy (even twinks), and im still slightly homophobic. (Male genitals are cringy, and im not ok with these feelings I do have, but I do support the LGBTQA+ comunity that I guess im sorta in now) There isnt or very little arousal in this case though. Either way I do NOT do genetalia, but female nude is less repulsive.

I also had a straight "child" crush on this girl I knew at the time Katrena.I was like 5 or 6

___________________

More explaing (dont worry the worst is over,)

I may not (or think I dont) experience sexual or romantic attraction, but I do experience other forms of attraction

When someone says Attraction, it just means to draw your attention, not neccearily sexual.

I mainly experience:

Athsedic attraction- based on how someone looks, I experience this alot, multiple times a week

Platonic Attraction-when looking for more of a friendship not a relationship with someone

Oftenly (but not always) these 2 overlap

I also seem to easily develop what are known as "Sqishes" or basically platinic crushes, put simply a squish is like a crush but its not romantic or sexual but insted you really want to get to know someone more or be their friend. (See more recent post on the topic)

I had at least 4 active squishes at the original time of this post.

im kind lonely tbh :/

Ive for a while have liked the idea of "bromance" even before the discovvery

_____________

A question:

If I am aestheticly attracted to someone, (to the point of it being hard not to look, and I get aroused, is this sexual attraction? Even though im not thinking about sex with them at the time, plz comment ur input for this question, plz no hate or being rude.

______________________

Speculation on possible causes:

Early childhood shows I watched (explain in another blog)

Being Autism spectrum - studies found on numorios sorces that people with ASD, particularly high functioning are more likely to be LGBT

2-3x for homo or bisexuality,

And as much as 6x more likely to be ace

Raised and been around alot of women (early development to age 10.)

Aquired "fetish" of sort as a child progressed into sexual arousal. Certain behaviors and poses based on dressing.

Social(not sextual) context more guys friends/social than girls (again as a prepubescent)

The taking of risperidol (contains estrogen) as a teen

Possible slight hormone imbalence, misshaped/misfiring part of brain, as autism affects parts of the brain, especially on the socializeing part of it.

___________

Conclusion (for now)

To sum it up im basically a

Homo-oriented AroAce

(But still somewhat questioning)

(Mild or borderline homo in terms of mental condition/disorder)

Keep in mind that full Nudity (genetala) turns me off/heavely reduces arousal, and I dont particularly need sex (Though I'm becoming curious on and off in the late)

Though as of recently (about 12-18 months after I first posted this thread) I can say that im kinda an ass guy. (Twink and chick ass).

If someone has any input or thoughts on this

Particularly gays or aces, please let me know as my sexuality is complicated, even for me to understand. Maybe some insight or shed some light? Im not out to really any one I know in person because of :

- hard to explain (obviously)

- not "the norm"

- mixed notions of homophobia/queerphobia

Big Social Stigma, judgemental assholes

Maybe I can understand what I am better so I can come out at least to some people.

What was it like to first " come in" to your sexuality?

Plz be positive considerate or constructive though, as im not fond of these feelings its just how it is in a way I can explain it.

LGBTQ community

Asexual pride community

[kilibaggins]

Hello!! Id like to request Murphy's grounder boyfriend become real pls?? Take your time and sleep too because it's 3:38am but I'd love to see how you bring the idea to life with ur big smart brain!!!

Okay, so I'm gonna probably have to expand on this idk if this is how I want it to actually happen since I have two ideas. But I'm gonna run with this one.

This doesn't really go into his appearance much but oh well. This is the night they met.

Warning: Mentions of Torture and Hanging.

Italics are actually being spoken in Trig.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Tolkien had been working on training some of the younger kids when Murphy got dragged into his camp. He watched as the young man thrashed in the arms of his kin and he didn't know why but he wanted to help.

Tolkien is bitter. A man In his early 20's who has been in more wars with his fellow Earth dwellers than he can count. He kills people without blinking an eye most of the time. He doesn't care who he has to kill to do what he believes is right, though he tries not to kill his own kin.

Many times its happened before. If The Heda comes and some idiot doesn't follow the rules. He's the one to stick a sword him his back and watch them die. And he's happy to do it too, to watch the blood drain out of them. He has since he was a young boy and he was forced to kill his parents.

So hes surprised when a pang of empathy comes from the boy yelling, begging, to be let go. He walks towards the old shed opening it to see Murphy being chained to the wall. He watches in curiosity as He spits at a few of his people, and he smiles softly when he gets slapped but does it again anyways.

He has fighting spirit, Tolkien likes that. After his people leave the room Murphy glares up at him.

"What is your name?" Tolkien asks looking down at the young man. The man shakes his head and scoffs.

"I don't speak your language! I don't fucking speak it and I'm tired of being yelled and talked to in it!" He yells tensing his arms and glaring. Tolkien kneels in front of him.

"What is your name?" Tolkien asks waiting for The Man to give a reply. Murphy scoffs.

"Why should I tell you? You people kidnap me and chain me up and you think you can just know my name?" He growls pushing himself back into the wall as much as possible.

"Just answer my question before my people come back and you're too busy screaming to answer my simple, Mundane questions." Tolkien says leaning in a bit closer.

"Murphy. John Murphy." He says hesitantly looking up at the larger man. Tolkien smiles softly and takes a deep breath.

"Johnathan it is." He says and he smirks softly when Murphy sighs.

"Please dont call me that." Murphy says shaking his head.

"I don't think you have much of a choice." Tolkien teases grabbing the chain and pulling slightly, just enough for it to move. Murphy scoffs and shakes his head.

"Alright, you know my name. What's yours?" Murphy asks looking up at Tolkien, still hesitant about the whole situation.

"Tolkien." He says and Murphy smiles slightly.

"That sounds familiar." He says shaking his head looking at the chains around his wrists. Tolkien knows he's evaluating if he can escape or not.

"What do you mean, Jonathan?" Tolkien asks trying to hide the smirk on his face from Calling him that name. Murphy looks at him and sighs probably realizing he can't get out.

"He was a famous writer who wrote a long ass fantasy series a lot of people likes. He made a brand new world in those books. My d-" Murphy cuts himself off and clears his throat, "My dad used to read them to me."

"Why doesn't he anymore?" Tolkien asks, though he'd pretty sure he knows why. Murphy relaxes against the wall.

"They killed him." Murphy sneers.

"Who?" Tolkien asks softly with a look of curiosity in his dark yes. Murphy didnt notice until now but Tolkien's eyes seem to be the darkest shade of brown he's ever seen. They're pretty mesmerizing if he's honest with himself.

"My people... They... It's weird up there. They'll kill people for the prettiest of crimes. Including stealing to rake care of someone." Murphy says looking at him. Tolkien examines him and sees hes already injured quite a bit. He looks too his neck and sees purple bruises and a thin cut around it. He reaches out and Murphy flinches back.

"Don't touch me." Murphy growls and Tolkien sighs.

"I don't think you have much of a choice." Tolkien says and when he sees the smaller man go pale and gulp he rethinks what he said.

"I'm not going to do anything to you." Tolkien says slowly pulling the collar of his shirt down to look at the wounds on his neck. Murphy shiver slightly and Tolkien put his other hand on his chest, grounding him.

"What happened? Did my people do this to you?" He asks, still examining the wounds. Murphy shakes his head no.

"I got hung. By my people." Murphy says staring off into the abyss. Tolkien leans back slightly looking into Murphy's eyes.

"Why?" He asks examining him.

"They thought I killed a guy. Turns out it was a little girl who did it." Murphy says with venom in his voice. Tolkien puts the collar of his shirt back and gets up walking towards a different side of the shed grabbing a cup and filling it with water. He walks back to the chained boy and lifts it so Murphy can look at it.

"Water?" Tolkien asks gesturing it towards him. Murphy scowls.

"I don't trust you." He sneers glaring at the water. Tolkien shakes his head and moves closer.

"What do you have to lose?" Tolkien asks holding it closer. Murphy nods softly and Tolkien brings the cup to his lips tilting it slowly.

"What are they going to do to me?" Murphy asks when he's done drinking. Tolkien puts the cup down and looks at him.

"They're going to torture you for information. They want to know everything about the people that fell from the sky." Tolkien says not sugarcoating the truth. Murphy appreciates that, and nods.

"All they want is to live here. They just want to live. I wont tell them anything." Murphy says looking up at him in determination.

"Why not, Johnathan? They beat you, hung you, and banished you for a crime you didn't commit. Why would you want to protect them?" Tolkien asks looking down at him.

"They're my people." Murphy says softly and they hear footsteps and laughter outside getting closer. Tolkien sighs and leans in to whisper in Murphy's ear.

"You're Strong, Johnathan, I can tell. You'll be okay." Tolkien then stands up as a few of his people walk in. They have knives in teir hands and whips on their backs. He steps out of the shed and starts walking.

When he's a few steps from the shed Murphy starts to Scream.

[mosh-rem]

Ok I need some help rn, as a preface I was diagnosed autistic in 6th grade and the only people that know are my parents and one of my brothers who I told while shit faced. I just had a panic attack during a major trig test, and I'm now gunna fail that class. I have never failed a class befor an now that I'm in college and I'm failing I have no idea what to do, it's too late in the semester to fix it and if i drop it I won't have enough credits to stay on campus. I just dont know what to do. Dose anyone know any ways to help mitigate autism cuz I cant study for more then an hour made too without getting migraines and forgetting about it untill it's too late. My worst fear rn is that I'm not gunna be able to graduate, if a class as simple as that is fucking me over.

[depressedramblingsbyme]

So it begins

This is a journal, diary, a void just somewhere i can put my thoughts without feeling like i’m just screaming into a void.

5/28/2020

I’m living in the u.s. my dad is German and my mum is American, while we live in the u.s. they’re laid back parents and have let me drink in the house on weekends since i was 15 or 16.(note: i got held back in first grade after moving from england so despite being born in 02 i graduate in 21) Being 17 i wanted to experiment, I've vaped but personally i don’t see the attraction so i tried weed as it’s starting to become legal. I figured i’m nearly an adult so what’s the big deal. Like an afternoon drink i enjoyed smoking. It helped me relax and be more open about myself and put on this picture perfect filter even if i was just talking to friends. And unlike nicotine i never craved it or felt like i needed it which is why i don’t fuck with nicotine. So life moves on like normal until October. they found some trash from a cart i opened, unfortunately my siblings have ruined weed for my parents as all my siblings who smoke decided to make some dumb life decisions (which i don’t want to type out) and are in my parents eyes not in the best position. Rightfully from their experience they’re against it, it’s not unreasonable to see the cause and effect relationship. lots of yelling and arguing ensue i don’t remember it too well but i didn’t get punished somehow. Fast forward to December My parents are worried for my grades, this year i was spending half my time at a technical school and my other half at my main high school. Perfect grades in technical school but my main school wasn’t the best. I had flat C’s with a b+ in English. In my eyes i had bitten off more than i could chew this year as i decided to take college algebra/trigonometry a class covering two years of college math in one, i suck at linguistics so Spanish class was rough, Chemistry is known for being tough, English always came easily to me but that class takes up a lot of time. So in my eyes my grades could be improved but to an extent it was justified and for the past two years i was on the high honor roll maintaining a 3.5+ gpa so it’s not the end of the world. To them they think that weed is what’s making my grades the way they are that i’m a stoner who just smokes pot all day and that’s all i want to do with my life. This makes me horribly angry for two reasons. The first being i - hate - potheads, ironic but if all you want to do is smoke with your life frankly i think you’re a boring person with no aspirations in life which isn’t what i want for myself i feel unbalanced and shitty if i’m not sober for a few days i would maybe smoke 2-3 times a week at night after i was done with my day or on the weekend with friends. So that’s the first thing that upsets me they think i’m a pothead who just wants to smoke weed all day. the second reason this makes me angry is that they’re completely fine with getting drunk, now i’m not calling my parents alcoholics (my dad doesn’t even drink that much it’s mainly my mum ) but shit at least once or twice a week my mum will be pretty fuckin drunk. which again is an okay thing to do they’re adults it’s their right my problem is that if the world is starting to put weed on the level of alcohol why is it so horrible if i get high occasionally to put off some stress like she does occasionally. Now i didn’t get to ask her this specific question but i did say “so it’s okay for you to get drunk but i can’t get high” to which she responded “i’m an adult, you’re not” if you trusted me to be adult enough to handle alcohol what makes me smoking any different. second semester we have 2 more “big” arguments about my grades, they keep relating it to pot. So at this point i had to 3rd person myself if you will. on one hand i didn’t believe pot to be affecting me as i thought i had control over it and never abused it, i knew what abuse looked like because of my siblings but never felt that way for myself. On the other maybe it is effecting me but i don’t realize it. So to humor the idea i go sober for a month, nah school is just hard it’s not weed. Idk if i typed this already but i understand if you don’t want to smell weed, or have it in your home but i don’t see the harm if i’m not bringing it anywhere near home. At around this point we entered quarantine, i didn’t mind online school however now my mum was hounding me constantly about school, if even one assignment was missing it would lead to more arguing. Now i know to a certain degree i didn’t give a fuck about the online work because at this point my grades weren’t going to be able to go down however i did 80% of my work. If i can’t understand trig in school what makes you think i can teach myself so for the most part i did school. At a certain point i felt this switch was flipped and it happened right around when quarantine started and since then i haven’t felt comfortable in my own home. it constantly feels tense between me and my mum i couldn't tell you what we argue over but i can’t even go hang out with friends without feeling like i’m doing something wrong, which makes me want to stay in my room all day which then makes them upset because they dont see me throughout the day which then leads to an argument and me storming back up to my room. so now that i’m in this cycle of shit frankly i just want to cry and enjoy my last summer but now i’m being threatened with being kicked out despite not even finishing highschool. i turn 18 in 9 days i don’t think i’ve ever been scared for a birthday. when i’m not crying and feel more level headed i do think about actually moving out though.

I mean if i broke it down what’s so horrible about only making 25k a year you can easily live in your own apartment with insurance and enough to save for the future and emergency, I've done the math and it just keeps cycling in my head because all my life I've been taught i need to go to college or make more than 60k a year but after doing the math, why. why put myself in debt if i can live comfortably, i mean shit any job paying something like $15 an hour (in the midwest) isn’t going to be anything to be proud of but if i can sustain myself and grow a retirement fund why not if i meet my partner they most likely have the means to sustain themselves so it would be easy to live together and currently i’d rather be sterilized then have a kid so that’s not an expense i want to think about as it’s something i do not want.

I want to finish highschool but living in my parents house makes me feel constantly on edge. In retrospect after writing this and reliving the past school year if i didn’t or if they didn’t know i smoked pot most of this would have never happened.

also i need a fucking job again at least it will get me out of the house

i’m posting this for my own sanity if you think i’m a dumbass tell me off in the comments if you have similar experiences, advice, encouragment etc feel free to put it in comments i appreciate feedback but frankly couldn’t care if you think i wasted my time in posting this

[ethereal-november]

thank you for opening the gates to allow me into your city. Anyway first I have no idea how you took calculus and never complained about it this is infinitely stranger than algebra. that being said i must know--what are your personal opinions on calculus vs algebra vs geometry

(You sent the ask to my writing blog lol. I'll still answer though :) )

Did I really not complain about calc at all? lmao, knowing me, I probably did at some point. Honestly, if you think calc is weird calc 2 is even weirder. I think for most of calc I kind of went along with it, as it was kind of useful, but with calc 2 it gets really weird that I cant even ignore it (they make you take a piece of a graph or integral to make a weird shape. Why? No one knows)

As for the actual question, here are my honest opinions:

Geometry: work of the devil, in 9th grade me's opinion. I hated it for some and honestly will resent it a little, though I work with it every day so I kind of got used to it. 4/10

Algebra: fun and easy, I miss the days where I could do it instead of calc work. I love working with variables and numbers like that, and kind of loved that unit in pre-calc where you had to simplify those expressions (it counts since it's basically the same thing but with trig). 10/10

Calc: it's fun at times, but it's also weird as hell. I get the answers but I dont know why or how or what it truly means. Series and sequences suck, but integrals and derivatives are great. Though it can get messy really quickly and lead to headaches. Sometimes useful. 8/10

[red-and-blue-sewer-circus-arc]

Rufo the Clown: Journey pt 8

Final Part

Warnings: blood, character torture, angst

Albert continued to silently stare at Rufo with a smirk on his face. "Our usual arrangement should be just fine Cecil. I'll say... a year of service should suffice?"

"A year!" Rufo was sitting on the edge of his seat as he lifted a hand to run through his curls. "How long is it going to take to awaken her abilities?"

Albert glanced at you and raised a shoulder. "One, maybe two days. But there is no guarantee she will survive the ordeal. It's going to be excruciatingly painful and require a lot of my time and effort. I need you to make it worth it to me Cecil. A year, or no deal."

Rufo leaned back in his chair, his long legs almost brushed Albert's desk as he stared up at the ceiling. His gaze shifted over to you and he sighed causing your heart to drop. He opened his mouth and you expected him to say no, but instead he agreed.

The next twenty four hours were the worst of your life. During the most painful moments of the ceremony, you thought death might have been a mercy.

First, Albert rubbed some strange silver powder all over your body. Then, he made you sit in a circle surrounded by writing you couldn't even begin to guess the origin of. Finally, he started chanting and when he started chanting it felt like the powder was trying to burn straight through your skin.

Rufo took a seat just outside the circle and watched as your body contorted in pain. His face remained completely unreadable past the clown makeup as you screamed loud enough to tear your vocal cords. After a few hours Rufo stood and left the room, shortly after that Albert said it was time for a break, he said if he kept going you would die for sure.

You drifted out of conciousness but when you woke up you were in a large, soft bed. A blanket was pulled over you and there was a glass of water on the nightstand to your right. Grabbing the water, you swallowed it so fast you started to cough. "Slow down before you drown yourself."

The sound of Rufo's voice next to you startled you and you almost dropped the glass. You hadn't realized he was laying in the bed next to you. After taking another sip of your water, you turned to him. "Why did you do that for me. I want to know.. just in case.." He kept his eyes closed as he cut you off. "Finish your water. Albert wants to get this over with as soon as possible." You nodded and quietly did as he asked.

More powder, more pain, hours and hours of pain. You couldn't say exactly when it started but eventually you felt the pain change. It started low in your belly, it felt like raw power and it felt.. good. The change was gradual but by the time Albert finished chanting and blew out the candles you were a sweaty, panting mess.

"Well." Albert stared down at you with amusement written across his face. "That was an unexpected show." Rufo joined him in looking down at you. "Does that happen every time?" Albert shook his head. "I've never seen a succubus awaken in person, I've only read about it and nobody has bothered to document the noises they make. The reason why is beyond me."

Albert turned his attention back to you as you finally focused on his face. "Sorry my dear, but there is no time to rest. You have survived and I need that spell written right away." He sounded almost apologetic as he turned and left the room leaving you alone with Rufo.

Rufo moved inside the circle and sat down beside you. "A succubus. Jesus. Do you have any idea what seeing you like that was like? Do you know what you look like even now? No, of course you dont." He was mumbling to himself but stopped as you placed your hand on his arm. "Rufo. What happens now?" He stared down at your hand, then slowly looked up to your face. "Now you're gonna bleed. A lot, but you'll live."

Albert called from down the hallway and Rufo stood, lifted you up in his arms. He carried you to Albert's study and you noticed a gold pan and silver knife sitting on the desk. Albert sat behind it, an old fashioned writing quill and an ancient piece of parchment lay in front of him. "Cecil, if you would please." He raised his hand and motioned at the chair in front of you. "Have a seat."

You expected Rufo to lay you in the chair but instead, he sat down and held you in his lap. Albert raised an eyebrow as Rufo gently pulled your arm over the pan. He picked up the knife and stabbed it into your wrist causing blood to spurt out and into the pan. "Mmn" You bit your lip from the pain and groaned as you buried your face in Rufo's neck, his body stiffened but he didn't push you away.

You were dizzy and on the verge of passing out again by the time Albert's quill stopped scratching on the parchment. "All done, and would you look at that, the bleeding has stopped." Rufo shifted you in his grasp and you felt him examine your arm. "Of course it did Albert. She doesn't have to worry about physical damage. Not anymore anyway. I slit that woman's throat, the one companion of the hunter, and she bounced back like it was nothing." Albert chuckled and you got the impression that you were being carried somewhere. "They are powerful creatures. Do you know what you got yourself into Cecil?" If Rufo answered him, you didn't hear it. "Have it your way. I want her cleaned up and once she is rested I have a job for you to attend to. Do with her what you will, she's your problem now."

It took a full day for you to recover your strength enough to leave which, normally you would have been out of commission after losing so much blood. Albert said his pleasant goodbyes and assured you that if you ever needed help he would be happy to assist, for a price of course. The police car you had arrived in was nowhere to be found so Rufo walked you down the driveway. He paused just outside the gate and turned to you.

"Well, you're free to go. Maybe I'll see you around." You stared at him in shock. "You're leaving me?" Rufo returned your stare with one of his own as skin started to grow over his clown appearance. "You're free. Go back to your old life, forget about me and forget about this. I'll bet the money will be even better now that your powers have awakened."

You turned away from him and looked up and down the street. "What about you Rufo? Where are you going?" He was quiet for a few moments and when you turned back to him a normal looking man stood before you. "I'm already on another job for Albert, I'm going to California"

"And if I wanted to go with you?"

Rufo scoffed and shook his head. "With me? Why the hell would you want to do that? You know what I do. It'll be dangerous."

"Rufo, I have no idea what I am or what I'm capable of doing. Before you, I had no idea any of this shit was possible. I.. want to learn and I want you to teach me."

Rufo studied you like he was staring into your soul before finally, he smiled. "Alright. Let's go."

Special shout out to @booksdragonsdolls and @pennytrash for being with me from the start of the Rufo fandom to me finally finishing this fic. It took 10 months but I finally finished this story. (Except for maybe a smut follow up)

@trig-loves-clowning-around @witchyclowngirl @allkundsofwrong @pinoflicious @clumforme @vladsgirl @fugiecakes @claddypenny @clown-purinsesu-shuga @grotesquegabby

[arreumddawo]

27/3/21

HIIIIIIIIII, i’ve only blinked and its already MARCH. this time last year, what was i doing? i think i’ve already went for this current job interview and then a while later, the lockdown was announced~ but wow, time really flies huh. *cues the angmoh man blinking gif*

for the most part, i really want to write down the feelings i’ve been feeling (melancholy and loneliness) for the past few days and how i’ve sorted them out internally AND how i just want the future nabilah to just READ this and REMIND HERSELF that everything will be okay. it will be okay you dramatic, overreacting bitch! it will be okay. haha okay lets starteu~

#/melancholy 

i’ve been feeling downcast the past few days. i dont even know where to begin. melancholy as well as feelings of sadness and depression have always been a part of me since 2017 im not gonna lie but lately, these episodes got a little bad despite me trying to keep myself occupied hahah. for the most part, i am just really really afraid of getting older. i really am. its not so much of the “getting older part” which gets to me i guess but its more of how lately, i just want to turn the hands of time and go back to my past when i was 16 in secondary school (heck even primary school) and just live a life where i didnt have to worry about anything except for studying you know? where times were simpler and i was (definitely) happier. i miss wearing a school uniform, i miss only having to worry about my studies, i miss being at home at noon and watching disney channel until i accidentally nap and not understanding trig/physics/chem. oh- what id give to be in my youth again. id do anything. i would study harder and change my whole course of life and hope that i could be someone im proud of. im desperately clinging on to good memories. i terribly miss being young. i really do.

and recently, i feel like im expiring, i feel old (really old) which is funny cos ive only turned 23 BUT the fact will always be that im turning 24 this year (2021) AND its when the bone-crushing realisation of getting old really sinks in (for me). i find myself looking back at my accomplishments (which trust me is little to none) and i just feel like people are accomplishing great things (even at such a young age). there’s nothing in my life where i can truly be proud of. what have you done with your life, nabilah? questions i ask myself everyday. but then again, people would say the past experiences have shaped who i am today and without them, i would’ve been a completely different person WHICH brings me back to the next point. the current me right now who is writing this post is not someone im all that proud of either. i feel like- i feel like im struggling (keyword: struggling) to achieve great things before i turn 30 (and trust me when i say i dont even want to live that long of a life). i’m tired of adulting, of getting old, of having to worry about financial issues, of having to worry about whether i’m at that milestone where everyone expects me to be, of wondering whether im really suited for this field im currently working in. im aware that it may be very shallow of me to think this way considering that there are some people in their 30s who will probably read this, laugh at me and say “you’re still young + you still have a long way + you still have time to figure out your life” but the FACT is THAT im NOT young! i still have a long time to figure out my life? yeah that is if i plan to live way over my 30s (which i DONT). side note, my biggest fear is actually living a long life. so.. like.. what now?  

#/loneliness

this is a very touchy topic for me considering that i am planning to devote myself to the single life and dying a virgin because i really dont think (keyword: really, really) there’s a man good enough for me out there. even if there is, he lives only in my imagination. and yes, as embarrassed as i am to admit it, YES i do feel lonely at times. honestly, i really thought that loneliness is something im able to handle really well considering that ive been single.. what? my whole life? LOL HAHAHAH (its true. sucks to be ugly.) but yeahhhh as of late, during times when things get hard at work and i start tearing up in public transport on the way home, when home doesnt feel like home anymore, when the world conspires against me... i look up and wonder @God, “don’t i deserve someone who i can talk to, who loves me for who i am, who doesnt mind the mess i am?” ok that was abit cringey but yeah i used to be ashamed of secretly wanting someone special despite swearing to the single life BUT thats just how it is! and honestly i feel that humans are not psychologically meant to be lonely, that is why we’ll always crave for a partner (even if we dont need one). but all that aside, its not like im going to even try and find one (like i said, there is no one good enough for me out there) and i absolutely detest the idea of getting married and having kids so i will have to suck this lonely feeling up and just live. for the most part, i just wanted to point out how lonely this adult life can be.

side note: its really great that i have a really good support system (my siblings and friends), so yeah.. i’m really grateful for that<3.

things i want the future nabilah to read (now that i have come to terms with these feelings):

phew that was a rollercoaster now wasnt it. now that you’ve typed all that and acknowledged what you feel, i have a few things to say to you.

i just want you to know that you are (as much as you dont want to hear this or dont believe in this), you are doing well (at least the future you reading this wont look back and be embarrassed of who you were). you may not have done well for o’s, may have slacked a bit during poly and uni and regret everything academic wise (and yes personality wise) but always remember that, these things do not define the authentic real you. not getting into a local university and not achieving greater things in life during your youth, these are trifle things that you shouldnt be ashamed of or even beat yourself up about. after all, they dont matter in the afterlife?? so like, stop it. its not like you can go back to the past and change it, you only have control of the present and thats WHAT you have to work on. as tough as it may be, as much as you refuse to get old, the harsh reality is that you have to and you will. you have a degree and you’re getting experience working in the field you have always been curious about and you’re on your way to get a another diploma under your belt. you’re really doing the most if i must say??. and you’re so lucky to be able to love what you studied and do what you like. off track and a side note, i wanted to tell you that i woke up today feeling a tremendous shift in me (and i really honestly think its because of the conversations i had with zim, bff and syiqs the past consecutive days). but i honestly woke up feeling excited at what i have to offer the world. you may not be the prettiest and the smartest but the amount of love you have (and willing to give) in your heart, the feelings of empathy you’re capable of and the change you want to make in lives.. these are things that define you and you can do just that. there are times where you will definitely feel afraid and wonder if you’re doing the right thing but as long as you keep reminding yourself of your morals and values, i think you’re pretty much on the right track. 

and i know, i know you hate yourself more than anything else in this world. the face you see in the mirror and the horrible things you feel inside you, your dumb thoughts and all that but i really pray that in the years to come, you’ll grow to be kinder to yourself (and definitely the people around you). be kinder to yourself and have courage to face your flaws and work towards being a better person everyday. be kind to everyone (especially your parents) and just have a little faith that you can go through many hurdles in your life. you cannot do everything but you can do some great things and that is enough. i dont have to remind you that everything here and now in this world is just temporary right? remember the podcast you heard yesterday? true happiness will be in the afterlife, inshaAllah. death will come for you, you just have to be patient and never forget to work towards the afterlife. also dont feel too lonely. ultimately, you know you dont have the mental capacity for things like marriage and having kids and all but dear nabilah, if you get lucky and love comes to you one day through Allah, i hope that you dont close your doors firmly shut to it and embrace it if you may (only run when the guy proposes cos u aint got no time for that). last but not least, please never let go of good memories. cling on to them and let them be attestations of your kindness and love. always be kind and always try to be better for the people around you. i hope you’re smiling as you read this, i hope you’re proud of who you have become and i hope that you continue to always remind yourself of amazing person you are, despite all that you went through. 

- 23 year old nabilah (technically 24 this year but hey SUCK IT TIME IS A SOCIAL CONSTRUCT)

[horse-in-a-nice-hat]

some ideas for this unit

https://github.com/willianjusten/awesome-audio-visualization

https://therewasaguy.github.io/p5-music-viz/

this is a link to lots of peoples experiments with vizualisers in p5.js. i think id like to try something of my own. hopefully there would be trig and rainbow colours. I have used p5.js but havent done much very dynamic, or anything with sound. I think I would like to try to make a visualizer that can be applied to any input music.. dont know how inputs would work on the web? I could try processing, but i think it being accessible through the browser would be fun for this particular project.

i think it would be really cool to make something.. that acts as a mini player ^^ in that it is a small (interestingly shaped if possible) interactive window. it would be cool if it could be tethered to stay above other windows but i have no idea how that would work.

https://www.electronjs.org/

this can be used to make native apps with html and such? could look into this.

Or i could try using processing? I am not sure what the apps it outputs would be like?

So this is a pretty concrete idea for something i would like to do. partially as an exercise in making a type of thing ive only ever consumed (breaking that 4th wall!!!), also becaure i would like to learn some more about the formation of the visuals and i would very much like to work with some trig and other pretty functions and.. maths.. that i miss.

This week I have been working on learning blender. I have been following along these tutorials which i have found very helpful. they are the first tutorials i found that i can *actually follow* from my beginner position. I made that spinning nut a few days ago, but have not made anything else since starting these tutorials. frustrating not to be making stuff but.. I am learning how to!

current state of the donut after several hours work 🥳

I dont know specifically anything id like to do in blender... i would like to use animation, and i think looping animations are fun. perhaps choose a song and make a little world to accompany it?

[ts-random-pictures]

What would you do if theoretically you werent in class for the day in a field trip and you miss geometry where they start learning trigometry and you are trying to learn it but you have jad so much homework and clubs you start it at 1 and you dont understand the notes or concepts and everyone who could help is asleep and you have no idea what to do as it gets closer to 2? Because I cant wake up early tomorrow and my anxkety and stress is soaring.

I remember trig. I can try to help explain it if you want. It's not the easiest subject to learn, but it's pretty simple once you get it. I suggest just putting it to the side until you find time to ask someone. Go to the club, they don't have to know about the hw. Then once you're done, see if anyone's awake to help you.