#i dont know if its drinking alcohol or just actually hanging out with people that puts me in such a pessimist mood lately

[tortademaracuya]

.

[thesquidkid]

So I talked about my grandmother (and other family members) at New Year's, who did not believe in climate change and who generally annoyed me while I was there

Now I need to talk about my other grandparents, who are the polar opposite of the other ones. Whenever ppl tell me to be open minded towards older people not understanding new things or whatever, I think of my grandparents.

My grandparents who live in a very conservative part of England, yet who still participated until very recently in labour activities (they participated less after Brexit was voted due to being pissed off at the world, and then stopped due to covid and health reasons)

They are still very politically engaged, despite having most of the people around them being Tories

Of course, they don't know everything, and we don't always agree. But we listen to each other, and we learn from the different experiences

As an example, my grandma told me just the other day that she didn't agree with the Scottish bill on gender recognition. I asked her what she knew of the bill. She repeated what she had heard on the news: it's going to allow men to hurt women.

I told her that no, it only allowed people to change the gender written on the birth certificate, and that it was already possible. We went together to look up the official statement on the Scottish Government website (neither of them are very good with googling stuff), and they read it, and when we talked about it again later they said that they didn't see the problem with this bill.

When I cut my hair and started dressing "more masculine", my grandparents, without asking, took down any photograph of me with long hair, or me "feminine". When I asked about that, my grandfather said that I looked much happier now, and there was no point in having pictures of me unhappy.

It was that simple.

(meanwhile my other grandparents still have pictures of me with long hair, clearly looking uncomfortable af)

All this to say, old people are generally closed minded because they are old. Old people can be open minded, it only depends on the person in question.

[nina-ya]

Three Times You and Law Almost Confessed and The One Time That You Did

A/N: I did a similar thing with Sanji here Part 2! Pairing: Law x Reader CW: None, fluff, the mildest Punk Hazard/Zou spoilers I dont even consider them spoilers WC: 1158

The banquet had come to a close, leaving everyone in a state of exhaustion. People were sprawled out in various positions, sleeping soundly in unconventional places: on the floor, at the banquet tables, and even atop one another. You and Law, however, remained the last ones awake. Seated together, your gaze was fixed upon the star-studded sky as you engaged in a quiet and intimate conversation about life, finding comfort in each other's presence.

As the minutes ticked by, the gentle lull of the night began to take its toll on you, and your eyelids grew heavy. Before you knew it, your head gently fell onto Law's shoulder, your eyes fluttering shut as sleep took hold of you. Law shifted slightly, draping his fluffy blue captain's coat over you to provide extra warmth. He then glanced down at your peaceful, slumbering form, his eyes tracing the contours of your features with affection.

Law couldn't help but find the courage to voice a confession he had long kept concealed. His lips parted, and he took a deep, steadying breath as if preparing to speak. Finally, in a delicate whisper, he admitted, "You know... I like you... a lot." His heartfelt words hung in the air, but they were met with silence on your end as you continued to sleep, completely unaware of the confession he had just shared. Law, a man known for his unwavering confidence and strength, was left a vulnerable and silent figure, only able to confess his true feelings when he was sure you couldn't hear him.

-

-

-

The night was vibrant and filled with the effects of a few too many drinks. You navigated the Polar Tang's corridors with a rum bottle in hand, your steps unsteady, until you eventually stumbled your way into Law's private quarters. Without a thought or even bothering to knock, you barged into his room. He looked at you in disbelief, but before he could utter a word, you made your way toward his desk and plunked yourself right on top of it. 

The scene was a comical one, as you engaged in a drunken conversation with Law, who watched your drunken antics with a mixture of amusement and mild exasperation. Amidst your ramblings, the conversation took an unexpected turn towards the topic of love interests. Your alcohol-fueled state prompted you to declare, "You know, I actually really like someone." Law leaned in closer, a flicker of curiosity dancing in his eyes as he asked, "Who's that someone?" Your response was on the tip of your tongue as you began, "I really like—" BOOM, the abrupt sound of something or someone crashing into something rather hard rudely interrupted you. Law swiftly dashed off to investigate the commotion, leaving your confession hanging in the air, unspoken for the time being.

-

-

-

You entered Law's quarters, the dim light casting a soft glow on the array of books, notes, and papers that cluttered his workspace. With his instructions in mind, you began your search for a specific notebook he had asked for. You picked up a notebook and started flipping through the pages, scanning for any signs that it might contain the information he needed. After a brief moment, you determined that this notebook wasn't the one, and you carefully placed it back among the others. Little did you know that if you had flipped just one more page, you would have stumbled upon a hidden treasure of emotions and love confessions scrawled across the pages.

If you had turned that final page, you would have found Law's private thoughts laid bare, the depth of his feelings revealed. One of the passages might have read:

“I wish I had the courage to admit these feelings, to let you in, but I am held back. Why? Do I think you’ll reject me? Am I just not ready to love or to be loved. Who knows, yet, I cannot deny the truth: I love you, and I always will."

But in that moment, the notebook remained closed, its secrets hidden, and the confessions unspoken. You left the room, unknowingly leaving behind the heartfelt sentiments that had the power to change everything between you and Law.

-

-

-

The moment had arrived. Law was preparing to leave for Punk Hazard, while the rest of the crew was bound for Zou. Everyone had exchanged their heartfelt goodbyes and well-wishes, but you found yourself unable to offer a proper farewell. As the time grew near, you could only muster a wave and a strained smile before quickly retreating to the crew's quarters, refusing to watch him depart. The weight of emotions was simply too much to bear.

The creak of the door broke the silence, and you quickly turned your head to discover who had entered, attempting to wipe away any stray tears that had escaped. It was Law. In the silence that enveloped the room, the two of you locked eyes, tension growing so thick that you could cut it with a knife. He then started to walk towards you. As he drew nearer, each step seemed to chip away at your facade, and when he finally reached you, your resolve shattered. Tears flowed freely from your eyes, and your sobs wracked your body, shaking you to your core. Without a word, Law pulled you into a tight embrace, allowing you to cry into his chest. The sound of your sobbing filled the room. 

Tears streamed down your cheeks as you pleaded, "You can't go. You have to let me go with you!" Your voice wavered, the desperation evident in your words.

With a heavy sigh, Law spoke gently, "You know I can't let you do that."

"Please come back soon, come back safe. I need you to come back safe. I... I need you," you managed to express through your sobs, your emotions pouring out.

"I'll come back," he reassured you, his voice firm and resolute. "Look at me." With a gentle grip, he lifted your chin so your gaze met his. There was a moment of hesitation, his lips parted and he took a breath as if getting ready to speak, then, without words, he closed the distance, capturing your lips in a kiss that was nothing short of a desperate embrace.

It was a kiss born of need and longing, an exchange of emotions that left both of you breathless. His lips moved against yours with urgency, and you responded with equal passion, clinging to him as if he were your lifeline. 

As he pulled back slightly, his warm breath brushed against your lips, "You better stay safe, because I will come back.” There is a pause between his words, “This can't be the first and last time I get to kiss you," he confessed, all of the unspoken emotions flooding out in that moment. The promise of a passionate future reunion lingered between you, leaving you both with a longing that would only intensify with time.

[harrysarchive]

just the two of us; h.s.

pairing:

dormmate!harry x dormmate!reader

summary:

"you look good [y/l/n], is it a crime to speak my mind?" i muse a smirk crawling its way onto my lips.

"yes! yes it is a crime. you-you cant say that!"

"says who?"

"says every rule of being best friends!"

warnings:

smut 18+⚠️

loud rap music blares through the crowd, the smell of weed and sweet alcohol hangs in the air as i stare at [y/n] from across the crowed house a tug in my gut and a green monster clouding my vision. i watch as he runs his hands down the side of her body, she throws her head back with laughter grabbing ahold of his bicep.

"woah styles, loosen the grip. in a second your drink will be on the floor." louis snickers giving me a nudge, i roll my eyes. "[y/n] would never go for him, if you're curious:"

my head snaps to him, "what? -erm i mean- why would i care?"

louis snorts shaking his head, "maybe you dont, maybe you do." he smirks walking away.

i shake my head before my gaze makes its way back in the direction where [y/n] should be. but isnt. my heart starts beating out of my chest, blood rushing to my ears as my eyes scan the crowd. i spot her rolling her hips against her friends crotch before bending at the hips and slowly rolling them. my bottom lip catches between my teeth as my jeans grow tighter against my crotch. my view gets disturbed as the previous man she was laughing with grabs ahold of her bicep, she looks at him before shaking her head no and pointing to her friend. before i can stop myself, my feet carries my weight over to her direction, i softly grab [y/n's] hand giving it a yank to hide her behind me.

"we got a problem?" i ask lowly looking at the man.

"yeah, the problem is you taking what was rightfully mine." he sneers causing my eyebrows to shoot up.

"bunny, you belong to this man?" i ask with humor behind my voice.

she looks at him with eyebrows furrowed, eyes blazing with anger, "no! we talked for about two minutes. i do not know you nor do i want to get to know you." she snakes an arm through my arm yanking me away from the man. "men are pigs! i swear it." she murmurs under her breath, a chuckle escaping my lips.

she leads me outside were theres a small group of people blocking the doorway, some smoking others drinking. i grab ahold of her hand and yank her in front of me before narrowing my eyes, all of the sudden the nasty green monster swivels in my chest again.

"why the fuck were you talking to him?" i demand crossing my arms in front of my chest, he eyes also narrow into slits, her nose flaring at my tone.

"why are you speaking to me with that tone?! i was talking to him because he came with some of my friends and i thought he would be a friend, but he started touching on me. i got uncomfortable and left to dance. the end." she states sternly before turning and walking in the direction of the dorms murmuring 'so overprotective'.

"dont walk away from me [y/n], we arent done talking!"

she ignores me and keeps walking, her shoulders hunched over, nose deep in her phone. letting out a groan i follow behind. "you look hot." i blurt out, my hand quickly slapping over my mouth shocked that i actually had the nerve to say it out loud. she's wearing a short skin tight black one piece that sticks to her skin like honey, nipples peaking through and the swell of her ass peaking out. she stops walking before straightening up and turning to look at me, her ears are burning a nice red shade at the tip of them.

"what did you say?" she asks in a whisper eyes wide like i had said the most obscured thing ever.

"you look good [y/l/n], is it a crime to speak my mind?" i muse a smirk crawling its way onto my lips.

"yes! yes it is a crime. you-you cant say that!"

"says who?"

"says every rule of being best friends!"

"i'm not a stickler for rules." i hum grabbing her waist and pulling her towards me. her face has the lightest dusting of red probably from the drinks she's had, but i'd like to think it's partly because of me.

"har." she muses eyes dazing over. "we-we cant!" her dazed eyes suddenly open to their full capacity pushing herself out of my arms.

"god you're insufferable woman i swear it!" i groan closing my eyes and rubbing my palms over them.

"harry our friendship is very valuable to me! i cant lose it because we decided to -well what would happen tonight if i told you i also think you look good? hmm?"

"i dont know probably ask you on a date then." i shrug my shoulders, my heart pumping as she frowns at me.

"what if we don't click as well as we think we would? i value our friendship more than wanting to test out a theory that would not work out." she sighs her eyes glazing over with tears.

"bunny," i sigh grabbing ahold of her hands, "what would change? absolutely nothing- well okay maybe if we did go out the only thing that would change would be us holding hands, kissing and what not but we do everything else the same. shit people always ask if we're dating if it's their first time meeting us. but to hell with all that, i cant help how i feel for you bun. i've always been attracted to you from the day you opened the dorm room and probably till the foreseeable future. you may not want me to feel this way but you don't dictate my feelings."

i watch as a tear falls down her beautiful face, a frown tugs on my lips. she quickly wraps her arms around my neck before placing a kiss on the corner of my mouth. "you make it so hard not to feel the same way." she chuckles while pulling away and looking me in the eye.

my heart soars at her words, a smile breaks out on my face as well as hers and before i can stop myself i press my lips against hers. feeling to jittery to hold back, "let's go to our room bunny." i sigh as i pull away.

"not so fast styles, i do believe you're supposed to take me out on a date before taking me to bed." she teases booping my nose.

"of course bunny, we'll go on a date." i hum grabbing ahold of her hand and tugging her along with me, "hm lets see the only place open at three in the morning would have to be waffle house." i tease as she scrunches her nose.

"hell no." she shakes her head tugging me in the direction of our dorms, "you can just take me to brunch tomorrow."

"oh fuck," i groan as my vision blurs, i drop my head to the crease of her neck and let out a moan

i grasp [y/n's] plushy hips and thrust deeply into her. i furrow my brows as i move back and forth slowly, receiving a few gasp and moans - here and there - they're breathy and light. i grab her face placing my lips on hers swallowing her whines.

"oh harry!" she moans sinking her nails into my back, her back arching off the bed.

"you're fucking beautiful." i groan as i take a moment to study her. her eyes rolling back in pleasure, nose flaring up slightly, mouth agape as small whimpers and moans escape her mouth.

my eyes trail down to the movement of my hips, pushing into her. i love watching myself thrusting my cock in and out, the view turning me on too no end. "god bunny," i moaned as i brought my lips to her neck. one of my arms wrap around her waist, bringing her closer to me, needing to feel her closer. my hand trailing down her body, i rub tight circles around her clit.

"oh my god bunny, you're so intoxicating." i moan loudly as she whimpers, "oh bun, i'm almost there." i mumbled to her, before sucking lightly on the column of her neck, my grunts and the sound of our skin slapping fills the small room. [y/n] lets out a string of profanities, her lips pressed against my ear.

"oh fuck," was all that escapes my lips before i find my release, i dont stop moving in and out of her. "cmon love, cum for me, need you to cum" i gasp at the feeling of being overstimulated, i watch as her eyes roll to the back of her head and mouth gasps wide open. feeling her clench around me she lets out a broken sob before we both turn to mush.

collapsing on-top of her i take one last look at her, hair disheveled, red cheeks, some dry tears down her face, lips plump, and glowing like the goddamn goddess she is.

"you gonna be my girlfriend bunny?" i ask and she looks at me with a wide smile slowly nodding.

"yeah har." she giggles placing a kiss on my cheek. "cant wait to rub the fact that i have a boyfriend - that i got on my own might i add - in my mothers face."

"it'll just be the two of us." i smile at her, she gleams up at me nodding.

"yeah, just the two of us."

another dorm mate story💗💗

-all the love

em

xo🐝

[ifimdreaming]

Can you do something with Nolan Moyle ?

blurb!

im drunk

nolan moyle x reader

summary: you get very drunk and call nolan to come and pick you up (cw: mentions of throwing up, and drinking obviously)

authors note: this is not edited whtasoever its 3am rip

word count: 1.1k

-

It had been such a long time since youve gone out on a friday night and you were not about to leave because your friends decided to abandon you before midnight.

the club was starting to get busier and you were starting to forget how many drinks youve actually had by now. Just being able to dance with strangers and not worry about school or work or anything else was actually such a relief

After dancing to song after song by yourself, you squeezed your way off the dance floor to grab a seat at the bar. You were feeling a lot drunker than you normally would get and suddenly everything was catching up to you. You hadnt even found a seat at the bar yet before you begin tripping over your feet. you stumble slightly, and feel someone grab your arm as you almost reach the ground

“woah, you ok sexy?” an unfamilair voice says as you feel a hand placed against your back. This is exactly why you hated going out without nolan

“um. Im fine. thanks” you say shortly, trying not to let him get the wrong idea.

“yeah? you need another drink?” the tall blonde says and the hand he placed on your back begins moving lower and lower

“yeah no thanks. Im actually going to find my boyfriend” you lie, ripping his hand off of you as you run off quickly. and youre just silently praying you dont fall on your way down the long dark hallway to the bathroom

Being alone in the bathroom with the sounds of music and people now distantly murmuring in the background made you feel suddenly very vulnerable. The realization that you were in a crowded bar, alone, and you hadnt even told nolan you were going out tonight was fianlly hitting you. so you decide to give him a call

“Hello?”

“Nolaan? H-hiii”

“Hello? …Wher-” he starts and you cut him off, knowing hes probably about to ask a million questions just from hearing your inebriated voice. And honestly, rightfully so 

“I-im at the club! Im. im d-drunk” you say, “some guy cuaght me b-but im ok. Its ok”

“What? Where are you?”

“Um im. Imhere im just. Im drunk”

“Ok. just send me the address and ill come get you. Can you do that?”

If your mind was in its normal state you would be thanking god for how sweet of a boyfriend nolan is in this moment. But alas the alcohol is taking over and almost everything he is saying is flying over your head

“Where are you?” you say, forgetting you were in fact on the phone, and nolan wasnt at the bar with you.

“Im getting in my car. I have your location so im coming to get you alright?  Just please dont drink anymore, Ill be there in like ten minutes” he says and just the mention of alcohol makes you feel suddenly extremely sick to your stomahc 

You run into the bathroom stall, throwing up probably more than half of what you drank tonight.  nolans voice quietly echos through your phone that is now sitting on the grimy bathroom floor

“you there? What happened?” he asks worriedly

“i t-threw up” you say remorsfully. Suddenly your dizziness is gone, but an instant headache follows

“Yeah i thought so” “just try to relax ok? Im almost there just dont hang up the phone so i can find you”

-

“Nolaan?” “are you there?” you ask after just silently sitting on the phone while he is on his way to get you 

“Im here. Are you in the bathroom?”

“I-im. the toilet…”

“Ok just gimme a minute” he says and hangs up the phone, worrying you

Not even ten seconds later the bathroom door swings open and you see nolans feet from underneath th stall door

You push open the stall excitedly as he walks towards you, lifting you up slowly from your crouched positon beside the toilet.

“Hiiiii” you say with a giggle

“Hey baby. You ready to go?”

“S-sorry i got drunk… im...” you start, but are too tired to continue. You droop your head slightly against nolans shoulder as he maneuvers your arm around his neck, helping you walk out to his car

“Lets head home ok? And we can talk about what the hell happened in the morning…” he says with a laugh, shaking his head

“C-can we go home?”

“Yes baby.. I just said that” he says, unlocking his car and opening th epassengers side door. He is being as gentle as possible as he helps you into the car

nolan always looked insanely attractive when he was concerned. his eyebrows are slightly furrowed and his lips pursed as he buckles your seat belt for you, and you just watch him intently as he takes  care of you

“Hi” he says to you after noticing you just staring intently at him without a word

“can i have a kiss?” you ask keenly and face wrinkles as  a smile grows on his lips

He takes your face in his hands an dplaces a loving kiss against your forehead, and then squishes your cheeks in his hands

you wiggle your face out of his hands, “i meant on the lips..” you say with an exaggerated frown and pouted bottom lip

“Oh did you now?” nolan smiles and grabs your waist in one hand, stroking your hair softly with the other as you close your eyes in anticipation. he leans in towards you leisurely before moving his head to the side, blowing a wet raspberry against your cheek

 He giggles at your disgust and closes the car door, retreating to the drivers side.

“You have to admit that was pretty funny” nolan says, looking over to see you with your arms crossed over your chest, dramatically protesting his actions

“Im not talking to you!” you look over to your boyfriend as he drives you both home 

“Youre talking to me right now..” he says cleverly. Undeniably winning this feigned argument

“Then i, well you- then you dont talk to me then” you say,  nolans eyebrows contort as he hides a smirk and youve confused even yourslef with that sentence

“ok …lets just get you home baby..’ he says with a laugh and you huff in response

nolan places his right hand on your thigh as he drives, his strokes on your leg alleviating the annoyance of your dizzy mind and aching stomach

You place your hand over his and sink deeper into the passengers seat, basking in contentment as your drunken tiredness takes over

-

-

[vivaladicamillo]

CELEBRATING DUNNS BIRTHDAY W/ THE CKY CREW

js a little blurb for ryans birthday! crazy how he would be 46 today :((, i miss him a lot everyday but hey at least today dico finally posted on the internet again! but hope u enjoy this little blurb abt u being ryans friend/partner and celebrating his birthday with him :))

WARNINGS: alcohol, drugs, thats it.

———————————————————

ryan when it comes to birthdays is kinda complicated

hes absolutely fine with spending his whole birthday comfy in bed, listening to music and relaxing

bc as we all know the man hates people

but he also loves his friends

so having a day were they all js hang out, talk, tell stories and maybe even have a few drinks together like old times is also just as good

hes not super complicated or would want any type of crazy over the top birthday

u could give him a jar of dirt for his birthday and he’d be like “thanks i was looking to start a in house jar garden anyways”

so when u and bam had to come together to plan a party for his 28th birthday

IT WAS ONN

u knowing ryan very well knew he wouldnt wanna do any big things involving strangers so probably no clubs

as u and bam talked it out yall decided to wake him up early. take him to breakfast, drive up to the country side and go camping in a field

bam knew a guy who knew a guy who had a field they can use, it was actually the same field that would become “state of bam” in viva la bam

so u call up the guys (minus ryan bc u and bam wanted it to be a surprise) and tell them the plan

everyones was so hyped

rake was bringing music, bam was bringing booze, raab was bringing the gear, dico was entertainment (yes he brought a whole ass speaker and mic to sing ryan happy birthday with) and u were in charge of the food

for food, once again u knew ryan like it simple, js some pizzas, wings, sandwiches, yk things that u could easily have at hand, but u also brought some things to cook over the fire like chicken and steak bc ITS A CAMPING TRIP!

u also brought cake and smoores stuff!

the plan was perfect!

early the next morning, u and bam get to ryans house, its abt 8:00 in the morning

the two of u find his spare key and sneak in, making ur way towards the basement where his room is

you and bam had stopped at the dollor tree to get hats and balloons and noise makers

so as u two snuck closer to his bed bam got the camera out and u counted

“ 3…2…1…”

“HAPPY BIRTHDAY!” the two of u screamed and blew into the noise makers making ryan almost fly outta bed

“come on ry get dressed and oack a bag its gonna be a long day” you say

“…… how did u guys get into my house??” ryan says

you immediately point towards bam like a child getting rid of the blame on their sibling

after ry gets dressed and gets a small bag the three of u hop in the car and drive to the local ihop

“dont worry guys bills on me” bam says

“no way free ihop, thanks guys this is actually sick” ryan says not even being sarcastic

the three of yall sit down and get to talking, ryan ends up getting strawberry pancakes with a side of bacon bam gets some crazy fucking waffle that also has a face for some odd reason and u just get [whatever u want from ihop idk ur preference]

after breakfast and a lot of talking and story telling the three of u leave, with bam paying lol, and head to the final destination

ryan was fully convinced that u guys were hiring a hitman to take him out or something when bam started driving to the country side

it was always out of character for bam to PAY for something that didnt have to benefit him in some way

but u assured him from the backseat that nobody was gonna take him out

after a long ride of listening to rys fav bands you guys arrive and see raab and rake sitting on chairs around a fire pit while dico is up waving his arms around probably doing a skit to pass the time while waiting for u guys to arrive

“SURPRISE RYAN!” bam and u say

ryan was kinda in shock, growing up he lived in the country side (ohio) and used to go camping with his dad and brother a lot

“wow guys…i havent been camping since i was like ten, let alone with friends, thanks guys!” he gives the bpth of u a warm smile

the three of u meet with the rest of the group, all of them ready to give ryan their gifts

rake had gotten ryan these sick new glasses, the were similar to the ones he usually wears but in gold and black

raab got him a drawing of himself, painted from a guy he new and it looks sick, ryan was in shades of blue with a yellow background

dico got him a few graphic tees, some with just text on it (one saying mustang girl in glittery font) to shirts of his favorite bands

bam got ryan a bunch of cool mod decals for his cars, he also got him some things to mod his cars with, tools and such

and you got ryan 2 plane tickets to go to iceland, and a tour package thing to sight see and go to some new places the crew and him had never seen before, u told him he could pick anyone to go with him, from the crew, family, anyone it was his choice

he was so happy with all his gifts, they were all perfect but he liked urs the best, he ended up picking u to go on the trip with leaving bam to in the future by his own ticket so he could go with u (hes not missing a trip to iceland ofc)

after the gift opening the party begins

the night consisted drinking, dancing to music rake brought, telling jokes and stories, smoking a bit of weed and bran freestyling his heart out

it was a perfect night

the rest of the crew went to bed at 3:00am, dico being first then raab then rake then bam

u and ryan had stayed up still talking, watching the sky and reminiscing on early days

the two of u ended up falling asleep on a blanket in front of the first while star gazing

u had ur head on ryans shoulder as u was talking it made u fall asleep bc his voice was so calming

when he looked over u and were sleeping he wasnt mad

he pulled u closed and started to doze off himself

“thank you, so much, for the perfect birthday y/n.” he whispered as u slept

you really knew him well, he was so glad to have u in his life

the next morning the guys found the two of u put there, surrounded by red cups

but even tho u guys got woken up to the crew poking fun at u two

it didnt matter

because ryan was happy, his birthday went beautifully

and thats all that mattered to u

ryan being happy

—————————————

hope yall enjoyed the little drabble i decided to write out of nowhere. i promise u guys a pt 2 to the bams sister story will be coming soon, also a bam/reader/ryan will DEF be coming soon i js have been studying for finals week so ive been hella busy, with this story i tried my hardest to add some actual facts into it, like ryan living in ohio, the gifts he got, the things they did, etc,. sorry if its not exactly accurate i tried lol, see ya guys!

[william-s-churros]

olan headcanons lol

VERY RAMBLING AND SUBJECT TO CHANGE LOL. if youve read my fics some of this stuff will be obvious but if not, here. you can avoid my fics entirely. i change tenses a lot i think in this and im so sorry

i think that being married was genuinely like a traumatic experience for him. i think he very much did experience intense romantic attraction to his wife at first, but that it probably petered out very, very quickly and for no discernable reason (possibly just that they were incompatible in the long term, which would be obvious if not for the fact that they were still in the honeymoon phase) but he was probably a very conflict-averse person who values his ability to go with the flow, even if that flow is incredibly damaging for him to go with. its just easier to, rather than fight, escape into alcoholism and mouldering resentment. i mean, i dont say this to exuse his neligence as a husband and father, but just to explain why lol. im sure he was a terrible, terrible father in the process of all this. just also maybe that he didnt have a good time either lol. like im sure part of that feeling of being unnecessary to them was him making himself unavailable to even be neccesary.

definitely married young because he got his then-girlfriend pregnant. definitely then married her because that's the good catholic boy thing to do. (also yeah hes catholic in my mind lmao. what else is new with me. i feel like theres probably a sizeable catholic community in olathe for no reason besides i said so, because i love giving characters very catholic-y feelings lol)

i think probably, in the aftermath of this, he enjoys the freedom from his family quite a bit. like, im sure he didnt want them to die, but he probably never wanted to see them again. like the responsibility of having a family was too much for him, and he constantly failed at it, so not having that failure and pressure hanging over his head is a welcome relief, even if the method by which it happened was extremely unfortunate. i kind of imagine that loss was something more of a hollowness than a more typical sense of grief. im sure he feels very weird and bad about all of it, but thats what drinking is for! eyyyyy. probably a lot of that feeling weird and bad is worrying about the judgment of others, too.

as a result, i feel like his relationship style is probably like. none. like i imagine since his marriage was so terrible, he probably just assumes that every relationship he's in will also be terrible because he assumes he is just terrible at relationships, and does his best to actively avoid being actually romantically involved with people, to actively avoid developing feelings for people, or even like sleeping with people more than once. that said, i feel like he would fuck anyone with a pulse who gave him the go ahead lmao. he's looking for good memories (and a stiff drink ofc) more than anything! and that means trying to do as much fun stuff as he can before he dies. i do sort of feel like that its extremely possible to fall into those intense romantic feelings-- the kind he had early on with his wife-- but they, again, would probably not last a very long time, and his system of being a one-and-done lay works to insulate him from those feelings (typically)

all this stuff if meant to insulate him from pain and conflict of course. i feel like he probably lies (or "bends the truth" lol) frequently for similar reasons.

definitely someone who only really does stuff he's either already good at or is good at immediately lol. zero discipline

no gag reflex at all (extremely important headcanon)

uhh i think he's probably pretty gay? but he doesn't think of himself that way. in his mind, he's straight, but also willing to play the cards he's been dealt because he enjoys having sex and, you know, why not? its probably more accurate to say that he's bisexual, but he probably never considered the possibility of sleeping with a man until after the flash when that was all that was available. i feel like he made it like 3 months before being like oh... whatever... fine. ill try sucking cock. he's also vers lol, mostly because a lot of other "straight" men after the flash don't want to bottom.

he's good at other long range accuracy sports (like darts and uhhh bowling??) but he has zero coordination when it comes to hand to hand combat.

tall? maybe not super tall, but still on the taller side, like 6ft. also one of those people whos never had to work out to maintain his physique. a lot of things like this have been very easy for him in life, which cultivated his very poor discipline habits. probably of average intelligence, but very good at bullshitting and thus got good grades in school.

he has an associates degree in communications.

he did not enjoy his job, but he did enjoy being away from his family. decent-ish salesman? it helps that he's very friendly and basically handsome. definitely drank on the clock.

has a DUI, but has driven under the influence hundreds if not thousands of times lol. he's probably smoked weed only a few times when he was younger but he didn't know what he was doing and didn't actually get high (he probably had a bit of a placebo effect where he felt what he thought people felt while high on marijuana, which was not accurate at all) he grew up in a household where drinking was very normal and began drinking as a very young teen (13 or 14?) also a casual smoker, especially likes to smoke after sex or a good meal.

he's a bit of a square, and especially was one before the flash. he definitely did things that were expected of him (i.e. getting married) because that was the normal thing to do more than because he wanted to. he had a pretty deep investment in appearing to be normal before the flash. after the flash, he's not nearly as worried, but he still has some residual mindsets that are hard to get over, which lead him to do things like, for example, consider himself to be straight lol

he obviously has a very high tolerance for alcohol and could drink any other party member under the table.

he "likes" birdie, but birdie also makes him feel extremely insecure about how terrible he was as a father and how little he cares that his family is dead. sometimes, this causes him to lash out at birdie in really stupid ways, like over-exaggerating just how little he cared about his family to upset birdie. he does regret doing this because it makes birdie cry. birdie does not really like olan because of this type of behavior, but often forgets that when he's particularly plastered, and olan is usually the only person who is willing to drink as much as he is, so they do hang out together despite both of them kind of not enjoying the experience at all.

he likes brad a lot because brad is very weird lmao. he's just curious about him and asks him a lot of questions (most of which brad does not answer of course) and wants brad to like and trust him. he also wants to make brad have fun and relax (good luck with that one bud... lmao)

I don't think he has much interest in buddy at all? he fully supports brad abandoning his quest to save her, of course, mostly because he doesnt see the point of it.

he probably gets along with nern pretty well but definitely only enjoys his rambly ass stories when he's good and drunk. they complain about their dead wives with each other. yeah he probably kind of sucks about women, not in like a malicious way per se but more in the sense that he's just an idiot man. basically. lmao. but nern really brings out the worst in him on the subject of women.

he likes terry a lot because terry is a ridiculous person and a lot of fun. ignoring the fact that i ship them, i think he just really enjoys what a silly, weird dude he is. he is probably a longtime hint enjoyer and was pleased to meet the guy who wrote them all. NOT ignoring that i ship them, i feel like olan sort of views terry as one would a manic pixie dream girl, like, terry makes his life so exciting! he's going to pull olan out of this existential mire! he's making olan feel things again! he's damaged and desperate for love! and he's such a freak in bed! idk. its not the most accurate of reads is all im saying. idk how it would work out in the longrun with them, though. i think olan would kind of maybe slide into his avoidant-resentful mode if enough time passed, but it might take longer than it did with his wife because theyre just really good at having sex with each other lol.

he's probably been to the beehive like plenty of times so queen roger knows of him and he knows of queen roger, but i doubt theyve encountered each other much outside of maybe roger kicking him out on his ass because he was too drunk or trying to sleep there like its a hotel

and uhhh i havent thought a lot about what he thinks of the other companions as much. i feel like he probably likes most of them? he probably likes most people he meets tbh.

anyway im tired of writing this long ass shit lol bye

[lnane]

zero pressure to explain this to my american ass if you dont have the energy, but like.

whats sweden like, as someone who lives there? im always fascinated to hear about other parts of the world from the people who know them best, and i dont hear much about sweden in general, so ive got a lot to learn.

if thats too broad of a question, some suggestions: how do you feel about the weather, or the politics, or the holidays?

whats a nuisance yall joke about (like, over here in usamerica, its usually the military-industrial complex, or costly healthcare)?

or, whats something unique about sweden, or something that you think more people should know about it?

well we can do this in order of things that pop in my head, very disorganized.

to start of with weather: its getting too hot. the weather is actually pretty comfortable most of the time, and these last summers have been the best ive managed in my experience with heat, but you can tell by the climate that its too hot. its too dry, and theres very little snow during winter. its still cold as fuck, but no snow somehow. I wish it rained more. but on a day to day basis, weathers comfy. A bit windy sometime.

holidays i got very little thoughts on myself. theres a few of them and most are just days off. Im not too fond of the way we celebrate them but then again ive only been allowed to and wanted to drink for 2 years worth of them, so i havent gotten into it yet (yea alcohol is the biggest reason we actually still celebrate things i think)

politics is a fucking hellscape rn. the barely disguised neo-nazi party recently got the most amount of votes in the election so the right wing parties is in control. Theyve already started talking dumb shit about climate politics and immigrants. Not looking up. Beyond that i dont know much about the political landscape.

I dont know what a typical swede complains or jokes about because i dont hang out with a lot of them. I know gas prices is a common thing right now. We also have a trend in comedy calling norwegians idiots, which doesnt make sense because we hate denmark way more.

Its hard to say whats unique or special bout sweden because to be all of it is normal. Only real things you need to know is 1. if a swede tries to claim they cant speak english with you, only plausible conlusion is that they didnt finish middleschool (passing grade in english is mandatory), 2. anything that is a traditional swedish meal is pretty much garbage. Its mostly mildly spiced meat, potatoes, and some sauce similar to gravy.

I guess one thing thats a big difference from the american perspective is how our education looks through the years. First 9 are mandatory, ages 7-15 grade 1-9, in stages called Low, Middle, and High stage. After that, you legally have the choice to keep studying or to do something else (socially and economically you dont have that chocie), and at that point you choose your own education. The most common ones being things like Civics, Naturesciences, Technology, and Fine Arts (Art, Dance, Photo, Music, and theatre). Theres a bunch more but these the top picks. Usually lasts 3 years which after you should be around 18 years old and most of the time expected to apply for uni. And during that time you do get money for going to school (seperate from loans, and not a lot of money).

I can probably provide some more detailed information about what its like here with questions about specific parts, but keep in mind that i also know very little about this country. I just live here

[noahschnappinfs]

wait, hang on, is anyone here in sm/on tumblr actually annoyed that he got wasted while underage? i dont know about the rest of the allegations / violence stuff yet but if i see people here getting angry that a teenager (19 and a half at that) had a drink, i'm going to be seriously... i dont know. not angry. but a bit outraged on behalf of him. like, let the guy live. the only people angry that a teenager is drinking underage are old age pensioners who want some peace and quiet or people jealous that they arent able to enjoy nightlife like that.

i wouldnt call myself a partygoer but since when did young people start to get annoyed at other young people drinking underage? where im from 18 is the legal limit anyway so he's old enough to know better. its not like he's a child. it was common to get wasted at like 15 16 when i was that age but everyone tries different things at different times. i mean, who wasnt sneaking a bottle into a party at 16? please let this not become another spicy byler style witchhunt.

and yeah, just because 'most people drink' doesnt mean it's good or right and that he should too, but having a drink isnt like drugs or something. its connected to culture because people drink alcohol in lots of ways, its not always a taboo thing. i'm pretty sure he's had many a glass of wine with dinner over the course of his life, even if just at home. and now he's out with pals and he's 19 years old. it's really not a big deal. like, he should live a little. he should get to do that as someone who has been under media scrutiny. and if he experiences the discomfort of drinking, getting sick/chucked out etc, its just a life experience he'll learn from.

i really dont understand the whole be perfect be good follow the rules thing all the time. like, you gotta try things and live. in the grand scheme of things, he literally did nothing of note. he isnt exactly getting turned away from the pearly gates for this lmao, yk?

i agree with you. it’s a normal teenager/early 20s experience, i’ve lived it as well but it just becomes a big deal bc he’s famous so these normal life experiences get plastered in the news.

honestly at this point some people just use any excuse to attack him so this was a new chance even if it’s a non story. at the end of the day, it’s not making that much noise so i hope everybody moves on and people forget about this by the end of the weekend.

[husbandhoshi]

me booping you as a monthly checkup (which is smth im doing frm today onwards) :D

HOWS LIFE LILY???? HOWS SCHOOL???? WHICH YEAR OF MED ARE YOU IN NOW???? - okay too many caps locks, anyways-

idk if you celebrate but how was good friday and easter? did you have fun? how was your weekend? have you been busy at the hospital a lot? HAVE YOU DRUNK WATER TODAY POOKIE 👹👹

any gossip around you we (or i) should know about? dame im starting my 3rd year in a bit and im STRESSED. med school is tough man 😭😭

ive been so fucking busy, i didnt even know there was a follow to incheon the past weekend 😭

OH AND OMG I HAVE TO TELL YOU THIS

remember the two girls and their boyfriends (from my uni) i told you about some time ago? the one where the boyfriends grab hold of the other girl instead of their girlfriends? IT HAS FUCKING ESCALATED

apparantly - im renaming them as olivia (ex boyfriend justin) and jane (ex boyfriend mathew) - olivia and justin were "engaged" since they were younger?? its like a tradition of sorts in their caste to betroth the girl to someone once they start menstruating. so like olivia got betrothed to justin when she was like 14? i think. justin did like olivia A LOT like he was booktok smitten in love with her. and then like when the two of them started university with like a bunch of other people, justin met jane in his freshman orientation. they sat beside each other and they hit off.

jane met mathew in one of her classes and it seemed like she shared multiple of her classes with mathew so they kept on talking and then eventually got into a relationship. and then mathew saw olivia in the garden once and found her "pretty" and started making conversations with her (mind you mathew was already well into the relationship with jane) and so they started conversing and now olivia starts gaining feelings for the guy and becomes confused because "how can i have feelings for two people at once?" so this went on for like a good year. olivia and justin being in a relationship with jane and mathew are in a relationship. all while jane and justin were hanging around each other a lot and olivia would still be very fucking confused about her feelings because of the CONSTANT FLIRTING from mathew.

and then second term of sophomore started (post winter break), sophomores were planning to get drunk somewhere and olivia didnt want to go. shes not really big on alcohol and parties. jane, justin and mathew went (all of them went separately). fast forward to i think a few hours later, all three of them are piss drunk and someone spikes their drinks. jane and justin go to one of the private rooms to have sex and mathew continues getting piss drunk. drunk mathew misses olivia so he goes to her dorm, she lets him in, he has a bit of water, they have sex.

i dont think i mentioned something.

olivia doesnt know mathew is in a relationship with someone.

mathew doesnt know olivia is in a relationship with someone.

jane doesnt know justin is in a relationship with someone.

justin doesnt know jane is in a relationship with someone.

olivia is entirely SOBER when she lets mathew have sex with her.

this going behind each others back goes on for months until the fist fight thingy that happened.

and then, olivia and justin go home from uni on a break and yk how word spreads FAST right? their parents already knew about their infidelity before they even reached home. the engagement is called off. olivia is transferring to another uni in a different continent entirely. justin still goes to my uni. about jane and mathew? no one knows where they vanished actually. like they're no where to be found after the fist fight fiasco.

thenkiu for reading my tedtalk lily 🤓

~ rai 😘

RAIIIIII hello babe i am so sorry i took forever to answer this 😭😭😭😭 i had to dig in and pull out my actual computer to dissect this TEA…

im good!!! im starting my third year at the end of the month :) just waiting for the results of my big test to come in bc that will determine whether or not i get to start 😬 we’ve been studying for this exam for quite some time so no gossip or hospital stories to share :(( literally my life has been waking up studying and then going to sleep. but i just came back from a trip to nyc which was super fun !

and yes i did celebrate easter w my family!!! we did a seafood boil which was SOO good! what did you do?

ok ok after reading the drama update i am SEATED. first i know there r cultural reasons for getting betrothed / engaged etc so early but i think this is just confirmation that No One was ready 😭😭 honestly it breaks my heart bc it sounds like there were really Real feelings involved in all of this but the fact that no one could keep their hands to themselves 😬 Telling! plus the like 0 communication KILLS ME!!! please don’t stay together then!!!! also i’m side eyeing mathew bc he sounds selfish and from what i understand initiated a lot of the drama???? idk but transferring schools and disappearing is CRAZY too…… sheesh

i had a similar situation happen to my friends in high school where friend A had been on/off dating boy A for years and years (on/off bc her parents didn’t approve). her best friend B had been crushing on boy B for years but didn’t move in on it bc she was scared he didn’t reciprocate. so friend A and boy A are on a break and allegedly friend A invites boy B to her place and they sleep together. friend B finds out and to retaliate sleeps with boy A at her bday party. then they both mutually blocked each other after not saying a WORD abt it to each other & just hearing ab things thru word of mouth. crazy how people can just turn on each other like that

drama ASIDE. how are you?? i know you’re busy but is it a good busy??? i hope you have time to enjoy urself!!

[galaxy--ace]

genuinely like what are you meant to do if you might be one of the only friends this girl has left but she genuinely annoys you at this point. I mean what i did is i drifted away and dont text and dont talk to her unless she comes up to me. I see her hanging out with a group im on the periphery of sometimes and i know they dont really see her as a friend and they just kind of. Tolerate her. Like she is not in the group chat. And its soo unfortunate because realistically most people dont like her. And its not like in high school where we had a small class, theres thousands of people other than her and so theres no real incentive to get to know her when talking to her is such a massive effort. So im not sure if she even has anyone she talks to regularly at this point. She doesnt drink either, and gets kind of weird in places with alcohol (weird as in a bit judgy), which isolates her. And shes very christian which isolates her even more, because a ton of the people who dont drink are just really nerdy and she obviously wont fit in with them either. I genuinely thought shed go to uni, go to a different city, get rid of the restrictions on her behavior.

Its so sad cause she doesnt even get to do dumb shit like go visit a friend whos an hour away by train and then come back on the last train and get home at like 2 am. Did i miss school the next day yes. But so worth it. And from what ive heard her mom freaked out when she went on a little trip with friends and I guess she's forbidden to do that now. Idk man i dont think religion is actually a super positive force in the lives of young people. Either they ignore it and just get non-religion-related benefits like a community or it just restricts them a ton.

[salaciousslut]

Take your time<3 I know whatever songs you share with me will be good! Plus im not picky with what music im listening to!!

And im so sorry to have kept you waiting so long sweetheart, i just got home not too long ago! And i didnt drink all my alcohol last night so i have a full bottle of soju and two shooters to myself 🤭 also omg it looks like you may have a higher liquor tolerance than me 🫣 I got decently drunk off one and a half bottles. Maybe thats a good amount for someone who's a bit of a lightweight with alcohol. But im never hung over and i never black out, i just get hazy on the details sometimes 🫣 i kept thinking about you last night and this morning, i just think it wouldve been real fun hanging out with you and talking over a few drinks<3

When im brave enough to go into your dms i know we'll have a lot of fun talking to each other on call!! And when i receive those voice messages just know i'll cherish them🥰 Tbh i'm real big on voices. And to be honest any noises people make im here for them, its too easy to rile me up. All someone has to do is breathe in my ear a little and i wanna stretch them out on my fingers🫣 its a bit of a curse

Thats so sweet of you! Youre too nice, i'll be getting a candle warmer myself but for now im just saving to get my own apartment. Once i get the place to stay and the essentials down, the candle warmer's coming next! You're adorable<3 you deserve to be warm, happy, and giggly always<3 i would kill to see how pretty your tits look with wax all over them<3 i think you'd look so pretty and i cant help but imagine you smiling up at me after dripping candle wax on your pretty body and im going crazy🥺 he didnt deserve you, but i get it ive also had some stupid experiences with some stupid guys during low points in my own life. I just hope that the people who have access to your body are worthy of something so sweet and so pretty<3

You are literally my favorite kind of person omg<3 i love folks with rbf that are actually sweethearts like you, princess<3 like most of my friends are like that, i feel like im the least intimidating bc i supposedly have a kind smile. I'd be more than happy to take turns being the big spoon and the little spoon 🥺 i love being held as much as i love to hold people, and ofc i'll bring the shark dude's my sleeping buddy i hold him almost every night🤭 spoil me too much and i'll be insufferable, dont go off and feed my god complex too much sweetheart<3

hehe hi handsome!!! im glad u got home safe and had fun!!

thats good thay ur never hungover or blackout!! but its okay ill tale care of u if u do!! and yeah i can handle my drinks i think! thats why ill sometimes drink on an empty tummy if im feel cheap or just wanna get wasted!! i knowww i was thinking of you too!! just wanna talk and watch you with your friends!!

hehe take ur time!! ur brave in my eyes but i know dms are scary!! i love voices too! and i love silly banter so talking people is so fun to me! and like u said, i also love voices hehe, im pretty auditory when it comes to people so i love just listening

please stretch me out!!! i love being a tease and a bit of a menace but i promise, once you start teasing me, i melt 🥺☺️

thank you 🥺 youre soooo kind and i wish i could help and spoil u!! and make sure u have everything that u need to thrive!!

awww i love smiles, thats actually one of my fav features on people so i bet yours is soooo charming and beautiful. as i said i love feeding god complexes, theres just something so hot about someone who knows their worth and has an air of confidence that makes me weak at the knees so trust me, ill be feeding into it a lot if you let me

[ventingbaybe]

1/16/24

I did end up moving out after that last post, two or so years ago.

Im on my second year break from school, the whole point of the gap year was to save money for school. I got kicked out though, so there went that.

My parents dont like when i word it that i got kicked out, I was “heavily implied that I should move out so that I can thrive away from my family because they didnt sign up to start taking care of me again because I couldnt go back to school” but not kicked out.

I got a second job, worked 80 hour weeks for a while, quit one, work the other. Moved from one apartment to another and then another. I dont have any roommates, just me. I cant get an animal because it would be irresponsible when im planning on going back to school and wouldnt be able to bring them with me.

Every month I pay $1000 in rent, $500 in my loan repayment, and whatever other shit i get roped into.

I have a boyfriend. I had a crush on him at the beginning of last summer, we met at work. I ended up getting over him at one point. But sometime in October I got drunk and flirted with him, we went on a couple dates and made it official. Its awkward. We dont have anything to talk about and dont have anything in common. I feel bad that I cant be the partner that he deserves, but we just arent fit for one another. We need to break up but we havent had any free time to see eachother and actually have a talk about anything. Hes a great guy, but romantically we just arent compatible at all.

Were having a winter storm in my state and just my washing machine pipe froze, so last night at 2am I got to spend hours cleaning up my overflowed washing machine and hand wringing out and emptying the machine. I feel constantly overwhelmed and like Im drowning, but I dont have a solid enough support system to feel helped. This isnt to diss my friends or anything, I just need professional help at this point and cant keep burdening my friends with this kind of constant badgering of venting.

I need to make some more friends, like actual friends I hang out with who are on a similar level of being grown up as me. I need other people who are moved out that I can find some relation and comfort in. I just dont feel like I have anyone solid in my corner that I can turn to at this moment. Its my own fault which is even more frustrating.

I wish i could just go home and curl up on the couch and be comforted. Im a grown person whose fully moved out, supported completely by myself, but I just want my mom. I wish her and I were close. But neither of us are willing to let down our egos enough to ever talk without fighting. One time my mom told me she likes me better when Im drunk, because Im quiet and sweet. So everytime i go over, I have a drink and pretend it affects me more than it does.

I was a functioning alcoholic for most of my senior year of highschool. I’d drink nearly half a bottle of vodka every night. It hurts to see people compliment how I act when im drunk more than when Im sober. I wish I was a likable person. I dont know why I lash out, why I cant not have the last word, but I also wish i didnt have to fight everyone at any given moment.

I dont know why i fight but I dont know why everyone around me loves to rile me up.

My family has always known I had anger issues, and nothing made them laugh harder than seeing me lose my temper, if i got mad i was laughed at. If i got sad I was laughed at. If i stayed sat at that dining room table and went quiet then i was laughed at. If i excused myself to go to my room or hide in the bathroom, I was laughed at. There was no way to get away from the ridicule besides being an asshole back, and then someone else was always allowed to storm off. No one else was laughed at when they left. The table would go silent until everyone else excused themselves and it was just me.

Theres nothing quite like being left alone while everyone else comforts eachother. Why wasnt I included. Was it my own fault? Was I that repulsive of a kid? A teen? What about me was so fundamentally wrong that I couldnt be included.

I remember being young, maybe 9 at this memory. My brother had said something, I said something back, he stormed off and told my mom. I remember feeling excited when my mom came to my door. I remember thinking maybe it was my turn to be comforted. To be held and rocked the way she would to my brothers. I remember standing there while she screamed at me, hearing my brothers doors squeak open so they could tune in to the show. Being ridiculed for being such a horrible daughter, a horrible sister, just a base level horrible person to be around. How much my brothers would complain to my parents about how much they hated me.

Watching my mother stand there with this blank face as I would stand there, tears welled up in my eyes being told that if it wasnt for being family, I would be unloved.

She would hug me after, let my tears soak into the shoulder of her shirt, and say nothing as Id choke out apologies for being how I was. She’d stand there and hold me, telling me that all I could do was change.

So I tried. I tried so hard. I distanced myself from my family so they wouldnt have to deal with me. I got criticized for hiding away and hating them.

Now that I dont live there its easier. I dont see any of them often and they seem happy. My older brother is also moved out but he was still over there constantly, having dinner with the family most nights. I would tell my mom I would swing by later and come over to an empty house. Id wait for an hour, thinking maybe they were all just out, but they wouldnt be back. Id put away whatever Id brought over and leave, a silent drive back home to throw myself into an empty apartment and sit there. Not even a text to acknowledge whatever Id brought. Who knows if they even noticed.

I know my parents care about me, at least on some level. My dad comes over to help me set up my wifi, he drove me to work during this snow storm. I can see that on a base level he cares. But I hate that ill never know how much. Some people you can just sense it when you meet their parents, how they interact, how their parents look at them so fondly.

I feel embarrassed when my friends meet my family, not because Im embarrassed of my family, but because I know that the way I talk about my family isnt reciprocated. That no matter how many stories of my family I can share to my friends, how fondly I talk about them and their achievements, how every eyelash I wish on is spent wishing for my family to receive only the best, I know that when my friends look at my family and I, they dont see that fond look that their parents give them.

No matter how funny I can be around my friends, it will never translate over with my family. How I get quiet and move to the background around family.

I wish I was something and someone that could be talked about.

I wish I was worth bringing up in conversation when Im not around.

I wish just once in my life I felt like I was worth putting up with.

[xx-neon]

june 12th

hi 

i wanted to start writing because i feel like itll help me in some way, ive never really said anything i think or feel. i never really say anything at all. 

if for some reason someone who isnt me reads this im sorry. itll be a lot of word vomit and just generally unpleasant so maybe dont read all of it lol. im going to try and not use lol beacuse i do that to lighten the mood.

anyway.

yesterday before i went to work i had this really strange feeling. it was this weird sense of nothingness and everything? i feel like thats how people feel before they die. like a weird calmness. i felt comfortable and okay with everything. so i felt nothing really when i googled if hanging yourself hurts, i have a rope and everything but i just wanted to make sure i wouldnt feel any more pain. in my head i thought it would be kinda like a slap to the face if i wanted to kill myself because of the pain and then the last thing i feel is pain ha. 

anyway. i got really annoyed when all the results were for the suicide helpline. numbers to call, resources, texting lines everything. i just wanted to know. but then i gave up. as usual. 

all day yesterday i was just planning on when id do it. i wanted to pick a good day. i remembered that i have to clean my apartment first, make sure my cat is fed, but then my friends birthday is coming up and i wanted to wish them a happy birthday, and i had plans to hang out with my friend, and then after that i had plans to hang out with another of my friends. i realized maybe im too busy to die and i really didn't want to disappoint anyone. so i just gave up on that thought. (i did see my friends i was supposed to see yesterday, and this guy bought my food and drinks which has never happened before which was really nice) 

idk how i got here honestly. ive tried suicide before but obviously im writing so that didnt work. but before was different. i just went for it. i didnt think about it. i didnt plan anything i just went 1,2,3 go. i mean, i know how i got here. myself. if i wasnt such a fucking people pleaser maybe I'd have enough balls to be in a better place. 

my ex and i officially broke up last week, and thats kinda where it all started. i know it sounds stereotypical but i dont want to die because of the breakup but because of the feelings that came after it. i really wanted to break up. it was my idea in the beginning. but it took him forever to just say “yeah i dont have any feelings so this is it”. it was like my ego took a flip. ive actually have never had someone say that to me. that sounds really uppity i know. but its true. in my head i thought “after all i did for you thats how you end it?”. and i really ruined my life for this guy. i quit my old job i did hate it tho, moved away from my friends and family, he got into an accident so i used all my money to take care of him and had to take off work, drove him everywhere bc he couldnt drive, etc. and what did i get in return? he cheated on me twice, treated me like shit, slammed a door in my face so hard it broke my glasses, tried to hit me. the relationship was so bad all im left with is alcoholism and an eating disorder. so honestly, good riddance. 

he left me in a really, really bad place. i have to figure out where to live now since he just up and left. i dont have enough money to live on my own anymore. tbh i dont even want to write about it since it stresses me out so much. so i wont. ive just been drinking and going out to distract myself. not from him but like i said, the feelings that came after it. i want revenge, i want peace, i want him to apologize, i want him to never do this to anyone, and i just want to die. i dont have people to talk to about this stuff, i do but, i dont want to seem like an angry ex. i just want people to see the hurt that ive been through. i just want someone to tell me its going to be okay. that what i feel is normal. that people go through this all the time. i just want comfort. 

im sure if i actually told anyone about this theyd be like “but you have me!! you have your family!! you have people who care about you!!”. and yeah i do. but when youre so far down a hole, you dont see the light at the top, just darkness. and probably dirt lol. 

i cried for the first time today. since all of this happened i havent cried at all. my chest has been hurting so much since ive been holding it in. but the reason i started crying was kinda dumb. one of my old friends found me and reached out. he wanted to see how i was doing and what ive been up to. what was i supposed to say? “hey ive been horrible! just planning my suicide and and stuff ya know” but of course i couldnt say that so i just said ive been good. we caught up for a bit and thats when he said hes getting over a breakup that messed him up. so i took the bait and said yeah me too. he just said if you ever want to talk you can always call or text. so i just said thank you it means a lot and that things can only get better i guess. and idk why but thats when i started crying. he said 

“theres so much good to come” 

its so dumb but i felt like those words were just a giant warm blanket. especially with the head space that im in. obviously i could hear that from anyone. but hearing it from someone i haven't talked to in like 4 years meant so much more.

there are so many people who care about me. ive just been stuck dealing with my ex and only caring about what he had to think or feel. he never really cared about me like these people do. theyre concerned about me. they tell me to eat, they tell me theyre worried about my drinking, they dont want me to be out alone, they want to make sure im okay. 

so fuck my ex. fuck him and anyone who thinks hes a good person. hes such a manipulative piece of shit. no one really knows what ive been through. no one knows how hes left me. no one knows about the cheating. no one knows about the abuse. they know nothing. im sure hes talked about me. im sure hes told them how i have a hard time showing feelings. im sure hes told them.. i dont even know. hes probably pulled something out of his ass. and they probably feel so bad for him. i hope they do. and i hope one day they feel just as stupid as i do. 

i just had to get my anger out. 

but my friend is right i think. maybe there is good to come. ive decided to stick around to find out. 

[heavenlyhischier]

only when you're high - rafe cameron

word count: 4.3k

summary: Rafe only ever talks to you when he's high, and you've eventually had enough.

warnings: angst i guess, language, mentions of drugs and alcohol, lil makeout sesh at the end

note: ik this isn't the request but i've been working on this for a while so here ya go <3 this is def not my best writing so dont judge it too harshly

3:53 a.m.

You had been dreaming about your cat taking over a world full of people with fish heads when the incessant ringing from your phone jolted you awake. You blindly flung your hand onto the nightstand, knocking over a half empty water bottle and a bottle of ibuprofen before your fingers grazed the cool screen. You picked up the device, nearly blinding yourself when you opened your eyes to see who was calling you at such an ungodly hour. Once your eyes adjusted to the screen’s brightness, the name ‘Stupid Kook’ was displayed across the top. You hesitantly swiped to answer.

“What in the flying fuck do you want,” You whisper yelled, propping your half-conscious body up with your elbow.

“Hey, baby,” He greeted, his voice dragging as if he was thinking too hard about his words. “Just wanted to hear your voice.”

You stopped breathing for a moment, not sure what you were supposed to say to his weird revelation. You had been having a weird thing with Rafe for a few months now. After many drinks, you would often finding yourself making out with him in a secluded area. Despite your random make out sessions, he had never once called you to simply hear your voice. In fact, he hadn’t even called you before. It was usually always a quick ‘wyd’ text at midnight and nothing more.

“That’s weird, you’ve never called me before,” You pointed out, “You’ve also never called me baby before, so what’s that about?”

“Mm, I don’t know. Always wanted to call you that before so why not? What are you up to, baby,” He asked, his words slurring together in a way that could only happen while under the influence.

“You’re high aren’t you,” You sighed. Of course, he was high. You should have known that from the get-go. Rafe Cameron wouldn’t have called you sober; he never even looked at you sober.

A brief silence hung over the line, Rafe’s heavy breathing being the only thing coming through the receiver. “Maybe a little. Had a rough day, so I went to see Barry and now I’m at Topper’s. Talking to you.”

You couldn’t help but let a small smile grace your features; a smile that was gone almost as soon as it came. You let your elbow fall from its position, your head falling back onto the pillow that was still warm from when you were asleep. “How sweet of you. What are you doing, anyways? Shouldn’t you be getting shitfaced and taking some innocent girl to bed?”

He let out an airy laugh before speaking. “The only one I’d like to take to bed is you, and we somehow always stop before it gets to that point. Anyways, it’s just me, Topper, and Kelce, and I started thinking about us in the back of my truck when we were outside. Before I knew what I was doing, you answered the phone.”

Your cheeks flared red as images of Rafe’s hands exploring your body flashed through your mind, the feeling of his ring on your skin igniting something inside of you. His mouth latching onto the sensitive spots of your neck as your moans filled his truck. You let your fingers ghost over your lips as if you could still feel his own on yours. More memories of him exploring your body in every way but the way you wanted him most were running through your mind. Every time you wanted to give in to him, give in to your urges, but you couldn’t.

“You know, I’ve never wanted someone as much as I want you and I hate it,” He started, his words still slow, “I hate it because you’ll never let me have you.”

“Rafe,” You groaned, running a hand over your tired face, “I don’t really feel like giving myself to someone who only talks to me when they’re drunk or high. Someone who would rather be caught dead than with a pouge.”

“You know it’s not like that, baby. It’s complicated,” He tried, and you could tell there was a hint of unfamiliar panic in his voice.

“It always is. Guess I’ll see or talk to you next time you get fucked up. Goodnight Rafe,” You whispered before hanging up on the boy, ignoring his desperate protests.

1:38 a.m.

You turned the shower water off before stepping out onto the cool tiled floor, water dripping from every part of your body. You chose to ignore the buzzing coming from your phone, moving to grab the towel hung on the back of your bathroom door. However, the buzzing started again as you were drying off your legs.

“Who the fuck,” You groaned as you wrapped the towel around your still wet body. ‘Stupid Kook’ was making a second appearance, much to your surprise. “Yes, Rafe?”

“What’s up your ass,” He laughed his infectious laugh. You could picture him throwing his head back and his glazed over eyes twinkling with amusement, something you had only seen when you found yourself admiring him from afar.

“Nothings up my ass. Just don’t know what your high ass wants this time.” You gripped your phone in your hand and started to walk back towards your room. Your parents had fallen asleep hours ago, so you had to make sure you were quiet. However, that deemed difficult in the darkest hours of the night in your already poorly lit house. You bumped your hip and stubbed your toe on just about anything that was out in the open. Once you were in your room, you hastily shut the door and flipped the light switch on.

“Hello! Hello! Hello! Where are you,” Rafe yelled, making you wince and pull the phone away from your ear.

“Jesus, dude. Calm down, I was walking back to my room,” You chastised, doing your best to hold your phone in between your ear and shoulder.

“What were you doing? I missed you,” He pouted.

You ignored the swelling you got in your heart and said, “I was leaving the bathroom. I just finished showering. What are you doing?”

You grabbed a clean pair of underwear and a shirt you had taken from JJ after you had thrown up over whatever you were wearing that night. Rafe began telling you what he was doing, which was quite literally nothing. However, he quickly dove into a spout of how you were naked and wet and how badly he wanted to see you without any clothes on. Your cheeks were burning as he went on and on about all of the sinful things he wanted to do to you. You let him ramble on a bit more as you turned the light off once you were clothed and ready for bed.

“Okay, that’s enough, Rafe,” You stopped him, pulling your blanket back so you could crawl in bed. “So, calling me two times within a week? You falling in love with me?”

It was so painfully obvious that it was a joke, but you could practically feel the tension radiating through your phone from Rafe’s end. His abrupt silence concerned you because this boy was far from silent when he was doped out.

“Maybe I am,” He finally got out, and you couldn’t detect any sarcasm in it.

“Sure you are,” You rolled your eyes, blaming exhaustion for briefly clouding your judgment, “If you were in love with me, you’d actually talk to me when you aren’t too fucked to remember your own name.”

You started picking at a loose thread on your blanket as you let your mind wander to what life would be life if you had an actual relationship with Rafe. Going to parties with him. Hanging around the Island Club with him and his friends. Him doing lines off your body before having his way with you.

“I will talk to you when I’m not high,” His voice broke you from your thoughts, “If that’s what you really want.”

“I do,” You said way too quickly, “I mean, yeah sure. That would be nice, I guess.”

“Just text me and I’ll answer.” You couldn’t stifle the yawn that escaped your lips, but you did try and hide it from Rafe. Your attempt was no good, though. “You’re tired, go to bed.”

“No, I’m fi-.”

“Goodnight, Y/N,” Rafe shouted over you, “Talk to you soon, baby.”

Rafe’s name popped up on your phone screen every few days after he had gotten drunk out of his mind or too high to do anything other than find your contact. You didn’t mind it at first, but after you had texted him during the day and those messages went unanswered, you grew hurt and annoyed. You had tried asking him why he wouldn’t respond, but he always found a way to change the subject. You wanted to ask him about it in person, but you hadn’t seen him in almost a month. You wanted to ask him why he couldn’t bother to pick up the phone when he was sober, but wasted no time in calling you as soon as he got his bump in.

One of the nights he called, you offered to have him come over because your parents were gone, but he said no. Made up some excuse about how he was staying with Topper for a while since Sarah cheated on him and he wanted to be there for his friend. You understood that, so you didn’t push him after that. Then, the next time you told him about a party everyone was going to and how you wanted to see him there. You even told him to bring the other two. That time he told you he was staying away from parties for a while, wanting to stay to himself for the most part due to the constant stress from his dad. You knew how Ward could be sometimes, so it wasn’t hard to believe him and move on from there.

You wanted to be mad to him for only acknowledging you when he was high, but you couldn’t be. You’ve always wanted to feel wanted by somebody, and he made you feel like that albeit only when he was far gone from reality. You could deal with it as long as you got to talk to him, no matter how insecure it made you. Well, you thought you could.

2:25

Your parents were gone for the night, so you opted to watch Marvel movies in the living room. You were so invested in watching Iron Man and shoving popcorn in your mouth that you didn’t feel your phone go off the first six times. Or the fifteen times after that. Not that you would have cared either way. You knew the only person it could be was the boy who never wanted you sober. The credits began rolling across the TV, so you finally decided to pick up your discarded phone. You were shocked to see Rafe had called you eight times and texted you thirteen. Overall, his texts said the same thing.

Why aren’t u answering me :(

Call me pls

I wanna talk to you baby

It was if he knew you were finally looking at your phone because his contact popped up not ten seconds later. You rolled your eyes, but reluctantly answered.

“Y/N! Where have you been,” He whined into the receiver, “I’ve been trying to call you for like two hours.”

“Watching movies,” Your words were sharp and short, not particularly wanting to talk to him right now. You’ve nearly reached your breaking point with him.

Rafe could immediately tell something was off with you by the way you sounded. “What’s wrong, baby? Are you okay?”

You took a deep breath in, setting your bowl of popcorn on the coffee table after you paused the end credit scene. You leaned forwards and planted your elbow on your knee as you held your head in annoyance.

“I’m fine, Rafe. I’m just getting fed up with you only wanting to talk to me when you’re high or drunk,” You started, “I used to be fine with it because it once every couple of weeks, but now it’s almost every day and it’s annoying. You told me to text you when you’re sober, and I did, but you never responded. I try and offer to come over to you or have you come to me, but you always have an excuse. I know you want to be there for Topper and you don’t really want to be around anyone right now, but that doesn’t mean I have to put up with it.”

“Y/N, I know, and I’m sorry. It’s just-It’s complicated. Please understand that,” He was practically begging you to listen to him.

“Rafey, are you coming back to play beer pong with us,” A female voice suddenly cut through the sudden sound of music.

Your breathing stopped and your heart felt like it was being squeezed by Rafe’s own hand. A wave of heartbreak crashed over your entire body. “‘I just don’t want to be around anyone’ huh? Thought you were just spending time with Topper for a while? You know, if you didn’t want to see me, all you had to do was say so,” You whimpered, hurt now mixing with your anger and annoyance.

“No, wait,” He tried, yelling at whoever came in the room to get out, “Y/N, please. It isn’t lik-“

“Don’t you dare finish that sentence. It is like that, Rafe. It is exactly like that. You don’t want to see me, and that is fine. I get it. Why would you ever want to be seen with someone from the Cut? It doesn’t matter, though. Don’t call me anymore. You lied to me. That is not something that I can forgive,” Your tears were too strong to hold back now, “I don’t care for liars, Rafe Cameron, and you’re the biggest one of all.”

You quickly hung up and turned off your phone, throwing it towards the end of the couch so you weren’t tempted to grab it. You grabbed the large blanket from the back of the couch, picked another movie, and let your tears fall as it played in front of you.

“Honey,” Your moms gentle voice broke through, “You fell asleep on the couch.”

You slowly opened your eyes, letting them adjust to the bright light shining through the giant window. The headache hit you like a ton of brinks, causing you to squeeze your eyes shut in pain. Your mom was hovering over you, her hand on your shoulder and her soft eyes pretending to not notice how puffy your cheeks and red your eyes are.

“I guess so,” You mumbled, pushing yourself up into a sitting position, “I’ll go lay down in my room. I’m still tired.”

She gave you an understanding nod with a caring smile and helped you off the couch. Her hand lingered on your back as if she wanted to say something to you, but she decided to leave it alone for now. You would talk to her when you were ready, if you ever were. You gave her a thumbs up when she told you her and your father would be out again most of the day.

Your feet dragged as you stumbled back to your room, using the wall to keep you steady. You pushed the door open with your foot and gave your cat, who was laying on your bed as if she owned it, a stupid smile. You fell onto the bed and pulled her onto your chest as you turned your phone back on. You were scared to confront the actions from last night, but knowing Rafe, he probably wouldn’t have bothered to even send you a text about it. You were quickly proven wrong the moment your phone turned back on. The vibration from all of the texts, voicemails, and snapchats felt like it lasted for five straight minutes. Nearly all were from the boy you wanted nothing to do with. Although, you noticed a voicemail from Topper, who you forgot even had your number.

Um, hey its Topper. Look dude, I don’t know what happened, but Rafe is freaking out like a bitch right now. He keeps mumbling shit about how he fucked things up with, which I didn’t even know you two were a thing but whatever I don’t really care. He kicked everyone out of my house and has been calling and texting you for like thirty minutes straight now so please call him back, so he shuts the fuck up. If not for him, do it for my sanity before I kill him. Uh, yeah, thanks, bye.

You sighed deeply after the voicemail cut off, your heart rate increasing at the thought of Rafe being upset. If he was bad enough that Topper of all people called you, you knew it was bad. You wanted to not care because of how he made you feel, but you did. You’ve always cared about the blond boy more than you cared to admit. You finally decided to look at the messages he sent you.

Y/N pls call me back

I’m sorry its not what it looks like and I know that sounds stupid but its true

Pls talk to me. I need u to talk to me

I promise that I never wanted to hurt u ok???

I love you, Y/N. Please call me or I’m coming to your house tomorrow.

The world stopped spinning when you read the last message. You kept reading it over and over again as if you misread it the first time. Rafe had never been any kind of affectionate with you until he called you baby. Rafe Cameron was not someone known to get emotional, so you weren’t sure if you believed his words. He was a liar and would do anything to get what he wanted, so what was different now?

You heard a knock on the door followed by your moms muffled voice, but you were too focused on the situation in front of you to notice who it was. Your eyes were glued to the screen, staring at the three words you never thought anyone other than your family and friends would say to you. The world around you was fading away, your heart feeling as if it was going to beat out of your chest as tears slid down your still puffy cheeks. You weren’t going to let him do this to you. You weren’t going to let him toy with you anymore.

“Y/N,” A deep voice dragged you out of your subconscious.

Your eyes darted over to the door and saw the last person you wanted to see. Rafe was standing there, his eyes wide and blood shot and he looked like total shit. His hair was a wild mess, nothing like its usual tamed state. You met his gaze and you wished you hadn’t. One look from him and you were puddy in his hands. One look and every thought you had about never seeing him again flew out the window.

“Hey, can we talk,” He mumbled, his bright blue eyes looking everywhere but at you. “Please.”

Not trusting your words, you gave him a swift nod and gestured to the spot next to you on your bed. You leaned to the side and placed your cat on the ground, watching as she rubbed herself all over Rafe’s leg before scampering away. His walk to your bed was painfully slow, and you wanted to tell him to hurry up, but you knew that was unreasonable.

“What do you want, Rafe,” Your voice was harsh, trying to ignore the urge to reach out to him. “What do you want to talk about? How you only use me for your own pleasure? How you only ever even look at me when you’re drunk or high? How you lied to me? Wanna talk about that?”

Your anger surprised even yourself. One second you wanted to hold him in your arms and comfort him, but then the memory of how he treated you came back and flipped a switch in your brain. You don’t know how you feel and you hate it.

“I deserve every bit of your anger,” He breathed out, letting his hand fall dangerously close to your own, “But please let me explain everything to you, okay?”

“Fine,” You gave in, “Talk.”

“Yeah, thank you, okay. I really do want to talk to you when I’m not absolutely fucked, I do. I know that it doesn’t seem like that, but its true. I just, I can’t. Every time I look at you, think about you, I hear my dads voice screaming at me that I will never be good enough for anyone. I have this thought drilled into my head every day that no matter what I do, who I am, I am just never enough. To me, you’re no exception to that. In fact, you remind me even more. Wait no.”

Rafe rubbed both of his hands over his face and tugged at his hair, afraid that he’s already fucking this up. “Rafe,” You gently spoke up, turning to grab his hands from his face. “It’s fine. Keep going.”

His eyes met yours and you could see how strained he was. There were too many emotions swirling in his eyes for you to pinpoint exactly what he was feeling. “Okay, um, okay. To me, you are way too good for me, so the only time I feel comfortable talking to you is when I’m high. I’ve never had trouble talking to any girl before, but you’re more than that to me. You’re more than just some girl to me and it scares me, so I feel like I have to be, yanno, not me. When I talk to you. I want to be with you more than I have ever wanted to be with someone in my life”

Your hand was still holding his as you let his words sink in. Him revealing how his dad truly made him feel made your heart ache for him. It made you want to grab him by the face and tell him how he is more than good enough. You wanted to let him in, but you weren’t sure if you were ready for the risk that came along with it. You’re not sure if you want all the things that came with being with Rafe Cameron. He’s followed by hurt and lies, and you do feel guilty thinking that, but it’s been proven true countless times.

“Rafe, listen to me,” You began, moving so you were straddling him and holding his face in your hands. His hands immediately came to grip your hips, and you are well aware that this was a more than compromising situation. “I understand that your father is probably the worst person we both know, but that doesn’t excuse you lying to me. I don’t know if I can trust you, no matter how much I may want to.”

You watched as tears gather in his eyes, and he was doing his best to keep them at bay. He had never felt the way he feels about you before, and he’s more than aware that his reputation precedes him. He knows that he’s done nothing more than prove how untrusting he is to you, but he wouldn’t let that stop him from trying to prove to you that he means what he’s saying.

“I know that nothing I say will fix what I’ve already done. I know that, but I can show you just how much you mean to me, if you’ll let me. We can go at your pace. Do things your way. Just, please, give me another chance to prove myself to you.”

You’re searching for any detection of a lie in his eyes, in his voice, but you come up empty. You wipe away the stray tears that broke through his wall of protection. You hesitantly placed your forehead on his, and you could hear him take in a sharp breath at the connection. Your eyes fluttered closed, your nose brushing against his as you weighed all of your options.

“Did you mean what you to me? In your last text,” You whispered, too scared to open your eyes and look at him. “Do you actually love me?”

“More than you know,” His breath was hot against your chin, and he pulled you closer into him.

You decided to take a leap, dive into something that scared you more than anything. Your lips finally met his, and Rafe wasted no time in returning the feeling. Your hands fell from his cheeks and clasped each other behind his neck, while his hands stayed placed on your hips, too scared to push you too far. You deepened the passion filled kiss by pulling him closer to you and running your tongue across his bottom lip. Rafe’s lips moved in such a sensual way that you almost didn’t know how to react. It was much different from the lust filled kisses you’ve shared in the past. You started moving your hips on top of him, an action that had him gripping your hips tighter than before.

Y/N,” Rafe breathed out after he broke away from you, “If you don’t stop, I don’t know if I can control myself.”

“Then don’t.”

i have not edited this so if you see a mistake lmk. love u

[yengyangyo]

berry | k.s.w

pairings: kim sunwoo x female reader

genre: college au, friends to lovers

summary: you are in denial that you have a crush on your own friend, kim sunwoo until he made you confess your feelings.

word count: 1.9k

note: i wrote this on sunwoo's birthday. its quite late to post it cs i kept on postponing it sksksk but yea this was inspired by sunwoo's berry. enjoy reading! xo

-

you had sunwoo on your mind for days that you are lacking of sleep. it doesnt sit quite right for you to have this 'romantic' feelings for your bestfriend. meanwhile, sunwoo is not helping you to clear up your mind at all. he's just always there beside you no matter what.

he'd wait at the bus stop just to go to class together with you in the morning even when you're running late. lunch time together is a must unless one of you had other plans. both of you are just stuck together anywhere you go.

so for once, you thought it'd be a good plan to avoid him today. you woke up early that morning to get to class and you texted sunwoo that you had a discussion with your groupmates. this went on for a few days, you were making excuses everyday but sunwoo believed you.

until he couldnt take it anymore.

you felt your phone vibrating in your pocket and you saw sunwoo on the caller id. you were hesitating to pick it up until you felt someone grabbing your wrist from the back, turning you around.

"found ya!"

sunwoo appeared in front of you with the brightest smile. you couldn't help but to feel happy and welcomed by him that you started smiling unknowingly. you get back to your senses seconds later and avoided his eyes.

sunwoo knew something was wrong when he saw your expression fell. he glanced at your phone that kept ringing. he ended the call and your phone went off too.

"why arent you answering my calls? are you still busy?"

you couldnt stand seeing sunwoo looking all gloomy and upset. you felt bad for ignoring him so you tried making up excuses again.

"oh yea i was about to pick it up. sorry,"

sunwoo pouted and wrapped his arm around your shoulders. he's using his favourite perfume again today, you noticed. that scent happened to be your fav of him too. you felt weak and wanting to crawl into a hole or something.

"im craving chicken today. how about chicken and beer for dinner tonight?"

sunwoo turned his head at you, waiting for an answer. you looked up at him and his face was only inches away from you. you looked away, flustered. he had always been this way but only now you noticed how you felt about him which made it more awkward to be this close to him.

"i dont know, sunwoo. i'll have to check with my groupmates," you said, pretending to check your phone for your nonexistent messages.

"its friday come on. i havent hang out with you for days already," sunwoo whined and that made you laugh.

"alright but i get to choose where to eat,"

-

you chose the chicken restaurant near your neighbourhood where you both are regular customers there. the place was crowded with youngsters like the both of you, drunken with beer and chicken.

you were also getting tipsy from drinking. the first 30 minutes of the dinner went normal. asking how each other had been doing with the college life.

sunwoo sighed and rested his chin on his right palm. his eyes falters on you, searching for something. you looked away, feeling a bit burdened and transparent, because sunwoo knew you werent acting yourself these days.

"hey," he called you but you didnt answer and still avoiding the eye contact.

"hey look at me,"

you were startled at the warmth on both of your cheeks. sunwoo was cupping your cheeks to make you look at him straight in the eyes. you didnt know if this warmth was from his hand or from you blushing.

"what's wrong?" he asked. now his hand moved to yours, holding it tight. "you're avoiding me these days. do you think i didnt notice?"

silence fell between you two, just staring at each other. the guilt creeping up inside you and you didn't know where to start.

its the smallest gesture from him that create butterflies in your stomach.

that one time he opened the water bottle for you when he saw you struggling and saying that you're such a baby. his laughter filled the room when you frowned at the remark. you know how much he loves annoying you and in the end he always made you laugh too.

on rainy days, he'd always share the umbrella with you and keeping you close to him so you wouldnt get drenched. sometimes he'd gently rub your arm so you wouldn't get too cold.

sometimes he'd call you names like how boyfriend and girlfriend do, jokingly. though, you somewhat enjoyed it and played along. pretending to cringe but actually was flattered by him.

at this moment, your hand in his, eyes boring into each other, you just want to scream at him how much you love him.

you smiled in defeat and pulled back your hand.

"there were just so many thoughts going on my mind lately, sunwoo. im so sorry,"

he didn't question you any further and he nodded his head.

"whatever it is youre thinking, i just want you to know i'm always here for you,"

you smiled, this time sincerely at him.

"you always are sunwoo. i appreciate that,"

he smirked, "after all, i am the best that you got,"

you rolled your eyes and gave him your disgusted face.

"so are you gonna tell me what's bugging you?"

"i think i like someone. he's just always running round in my mind these days,"

you didnt know where the courage came from to blurt out that out of your mouth. sunwoo who was halfway shoving a piece of chicken in his mouth, stopped. he put it down and looked at you, doubting himself if he heard that right.

"i couldnt stop thinking about him. that pretty much explains that i like him right? or is it just my mind playing games with me?"

you swore you saw his face fell for a second but he went back to the usual sunwoo after that.

"does he know about your feelings?"

you shrugged, "nah. im still trying to find out what i really feel about him. should i tell him?"

sunwoo didnt say anything and chugged down his beer until its empty.

"yea why not," he answered simply. "he must be really lucky to have you,"

you laughed, "i havent done anything yet. there's a possibility that he'd reject me too anyway,"

its funny how you talk about this like its some stranger to sunwoo when you are talking about him. you felt light hearted a bit after letting that out.

"who'd reject you?" sunwoo said while playing with that piece of chicken, not looking at you anymore. "you're pretty and fun,"

you raised an eyebrow, wondering if you heard that right. he was still poking the chicken with his fork, eyes hazy and lips pouting.

"so you're not gonna tell me who is this guy you have a crush on?"

"you'll find out soon,"

-

sunwoo offered to walk you home though you kindly told him he didn't have to. he insisted and now you are walking beside him. he was suddenly quiet after the conversation you had with him.

"is that why you're avoiding me? because you have a crush on this guy?"

he asked, hands in his pockets, eyes looking forward. you looked at him, feeling a bit weirded out by his cold tone.

"no... okay maybe? i dont know. i just needed some time to myself,"

sunwoo fell quiet again for the rest of the walk home. when you reached the front gate of your house, you looked back at sunwoo. he looked like he was upset. you walked up to him and pat his side.

"hey thanks for walking me home. i'll tell you everything when i'm ready okay?"

sunwoo didnt say anything and you turned around to get out of that awkward moment.

"no i'll tell you everything right now okay? hear me out,"

you stopped in your tracks and facing him in confusion. he was pacing around, his hands are restless in his pockets.

"before you confess to him i guess i have to make a move on you first," sunwoo said, this time he raised his voice. "this is why people are saying we should always tell what we feel before we regret it and i dont want to regret it but i think im too late,"

you are worried at him. he looked like he was about to break down right in front of you. you wanted to comfort him but you didnt get what he's trying to say.

"sunwoo, i dont understand. what is it?"

sunwoo stopped pacing around and stopped directly in front of you. you swore you saw his eyes tearing up and you wanted to cry too. you thought, the alcohol has made both of you emotional.

"i like you,"

you both felt like the world is weighing down. it was as if the time has stopped for you two. you were staring at each other in disbelief.

"i know you like someone else and i shouldve told you sooner. i kept on putting back my feelings behind," sunwoo halted, gasping for air. "im too late now but i have to tell you this,"

"sunwoo-"

"i dont care who he is. but i want you to know that you deserve of love. you kept on telling yourself you dont deserve anyone. you know how badly i want to tell you that im here? i want to love you," sunwoo was practically shouting at this point. he sighed, "shit im already am in love with you,"

at those words, your tears came streaming down like crazy. you've never seen him cry but tonight he looked beautiful even when he's crying. you lurched forward and wrapped your arms around him. he buried his face in your neck and you felt his warm tears on your skin.

"im sorry. i just wanted to let that out after keeping it for so long. this is the worst timing huh?" he murmured under his breath.

you shook your head and laughed. you let go of the hug first and cupped his face in your hands. teary eyes staring at each other.

"sunwoo its you,"

"what?"

"i love you too,"

you closed the distance between the two of you, kissing him for the first time. that caught him off guard but then smiled in the kiss. it was sloppy but sunwoo is for sure leading you well at this. you both craved for this for a long time already. you were still crying of relief and touched by his confession.

"you should've told me before i start crying like an idiot," sunwoo looked down at you, smiling with his swollen eyes.

you laughed at him and you snuggled more into his embrace not wanting to let go too soon. you realized how much you miss him after those dreading days of ignoring him. he rested his chin on your head while gently patting you.

"im sorry ive been ignoring and denying my feelings for you,"

"its okay. thank god we actually like each other though," you both laughed at the same time and you havent felt this happy and giddy before.

"so i can actually call you my baby now?" sunwoo asked smirking at you playfully, knowing how much you hated it before.

"that's still cringy but sure, babe,"