#i dont know i was just yearning i havent drawn Like This in a while | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

themeed · 3 years

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damn allowed myself to want things for a day and all i want is a van to live in, knowledge, freedom, weight loss, and a bass guitar.

im. happy with that i think. im proud of me, no jokes. im proud of being able to want things and care about them and vibrate towards them with longing. im... pleased with that. its fulfilling in a way Not Wanting For Anything isnt, because thats... kinda hollow. empty. in a vacant, lonely, yearning and grieving and SAD way. maybe because i Couldnt Want then. i Couldnt Desire or it would be used against me or taken away. that sucks. that sucked.

and now. im free to want again. and comparatively???? i think im very much never going to aim for buddhism or that weird Not Desiring Not Attached Nirvana mindset. like good for u but been there out of trauma and its not fun theres no reason to truly Live. u just float endlessly and experience and it aches so badly!!!! it hurts to want to want and not be able to. and i guess that is different from not wanting at all but... its not different enough for me to justify ever going back to that. or going forward to that. i just got this back and screw enlightenment if it means i have to give up on my passions i dont think life is worth living without it.

and anybody who looks down on that from a spiritual tower has yet to examine their own pride and how empty they feel without it.

anybody who looks down and smiles and wishes me luck on my journey? good for them. im glad theyre living their best life, on their journey as they see fit.

and i feel the need to protect myself because ive been hurt by the pride- the arrogance of others before. a lot of my hurts and traumas stem from my mother being too prideful to recognize that she can be wrong and someone under her power could be correct over her. and it was an uncomfortable truth. so she denied it was one at all and hurt me. i know the reason could be elaborated on. she didnt want to confront her own internal logic. or trauma. or even doublethink. that doesnt excuse her hurting a child for the sake of her sense of pride, of comfort, of self-worth. a child under her power, that she claimed to be parent of. teacher of.

not owing anyone anything is not the same as not hurting anyone. i havent reconciled that yet. oppressors should be held accountable for their mistakes, and give reparations if the harm is physical at LEAST. and i think that applies to politics, yes. privately though? if i beat up a nazi, i dont want to pay for his hospital bills. my personal philosophy struggles between equating people and ideas as a worth measurement, and realizing that that line of thinking is... similar to oppressors. but. its based on something people can change. the question is, do i think "if given the opportunity" is a good enough reason to stop and question a racist that runs their mouth? and do i think pre-emptive violence is okay? if say, a nazi walks into a bar and doesnt say anything but is wearing all the red flags and bells and whistles. i dont think that justifies a beatdown. being asked to leave, sure, but the beatdown doesnt start til the first remark flies.

once the intent is given OR the action is taken, the line is drawn. doesnt matter if they Havent Had The Chance. if theyre starting shit outside of debate spaces like that, and not, say, asking questions, theyre not looking for new perspectives, and it is NOT my job to educate people. its not my job to Show People The Light. a quick fucking google search could tell them why theyre wrong. if they havent put even the most basic energy into questioning their beliefs, thats on them.

it sounds like im trying to absolve myself of blame here. largely because. i think i should go out and help educate people because theyre inherently complacent if theyre, yknow, in a position of power. aka white folk and men and rich folk and cis folk and on and on and on. these people dont live my reality. they dont live the reality of a gay black man in the south, or a genderqueer lesbian in the west, or an indigenous woman whose nation is being targeted, or a muslim woman who cannot wear her headcoverings in the face of danger of death, or an asian immigrant who cant get a job because of COVD age discrimination resurging. we will never live each others realities, but we can become aware of them.

they wont come into awareness without someone asking or telling, and then doing something to change them.

we shouldnt need to go running to people in power for them to be aware of problems in the populace, govt is supposed to help and solve issues like this. like. actively. thats the whole point, make life better for the countrys citizens. and individuals in a position of social power...

are individuals who didnt take on a responsibility to protect and serve or otherwise care for the populace of a nation. i personally think they SHOULD care, but they are not obligated to. i cant make them care about others.

and honestly, on some of them, it would be a waste of time. there are people who want to change or question things and yknow what? they seek out answers. in people or places or online usually. stats and stories.

so like. i dont think someones Potential as a person matters when theres a throwdown about to happen. it really isnt my responsibility to save people from themselves or try to change their sides against their will. if they want to chat about it they can ask questions first.

not throw insults or punches or hatred.

what people have been taught is worth analyzing and trying to correct IN SOCIETY but i cant fix every broken white boy that comes to me. PSAs, fliers, outreach, online videos, debate spaces. those are things i already have access to and can be a part of if i really want to go around changing minds. or yknow. get involved in legislation and be myself around others to change their perceptions of whats socially acceptable or normal. maybe protest, maybe call congressfolk, etc.

but not every comment has to be analyzed or a learning opportunity. im allowed to shut it down, and people can respect that or stop talking to me. this isnt my parents house where i had to justify everything that i said or did when scrutinized, and doubly justify any criticism i had of mother, or any joke i frowned at instead of smiling.

these people dont have that power over me. they arent my mother. they arent my boss, and if they are i can fuck off and get a new job if necessary. they dont have financial control over my living space and food and schooling and physical control of where i can go and with who and for how long. I CONTROL THAT. I do.

Huh. maybe thats why i want a van so bad. i mean... when this lease ends if nobody is gonna end up living with me...

i could just... live in my car and shower at truck stops. get a storage unit for my stuff. save by driving jobs. like 40 to 60 a day. tear out my cars back, insulate it, and install my mattress pad there. water on the floor, cooler next to it, wooden cutting coard, knife, single camping plateware set, and another little shelf for spices. maybe a hot plate i can hook up to the car battery? get a long enough usb and it might be doable. i could go camping and open the trunk to just... vibe.

because yeah, honestly? i dont plan on having a solid apartment for a bit. like a long bit. and i still have like 70000 miles on my car before itll want to go. and by that point, even at like 100 miles a day, thats like 2 years, less if i go cross country in that vehicle. i could save up SO MUCH for a better vehicle, or like. college. live on campus, get some credit, continue working after i figure out want i want to do.

i think thats a solid plan, even if i dont get another apartment and put everything in storage. work as i need to instead of all the time for rent, really only paying for gas, car repairs, car ins, food, and phone data/hotspot internet... that would bring my monthly expenses down to like 500 a month max instead of like 1400. id only need to make some 1000 a month doing contract stuff to save for taxes and stuff. anything extra would be just that: extra for savings and things. holy shit.

depending on how this next month goes for my friends, holy s h i t.

i. i might do this. legitimately.

i. dont think i can yet. i need proof of address to get my license im pretty sure? but hey, thatll be my 21st this year, so. once i have that i wont need a new address for a While. i dont know if ill want one, really.

i could always just ask a friend or family member if i could use theirs for mail that cant go to a PO box.

anyway. yeah. wow.

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fatrainbowmermaidunicorn · 6 years

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California King Bed (Jimin x You ONESHOT)

A/N: Oh my god I;m sorry this took so long. this ask was lost in my ask box I am so sorry. but I hope you will like this? <3

MASTERLIST

Chest to chest Nose to nose Palm to palm We were always just that close Wrist to wrist Toe to toe Lips that felt just like the inside of a rose

Nothing lasts forever.

That is what people always say and its something Y/N never believed in. Especially after she met Jimin.

Park Jimin.

What can she say about him? How can she even begin to describe him? Jimin is beautiful. Ethereal even. His eyes, his nose, his lips.. everything about him is just perfect. His smile, his gaze, his voice, the way he moves, everything about him mesmerized her. Its not just the way he looks thay captures her heart. Its also tbe way his eyes twinkle when he listens to her, how he remembers every single detail about her, what makes her laugh, what makes her sad, what makes her happy. He takes his time to get to know her. To really know her. She is drunk in love with Park Jimin and that is how it seems to be with him too.

The two of them were inseparable. Where Y/N is, Jimin will be there too. Where Jimin is, there is no doubt Y/N is there too. People can always find them cheek to cheek, softly kissing one another at every possible chance they get, fingers lightly entangling with one another as they make conversation with other people, hands softly curled around each other's waist whenever they were seated.

Jimin and Y/N cant get enough of each other since the first day they met.

They are always just that close.

Looking at them, how can anyone blame Y/N when she didnt believe that nothing last forever?

Because to her, her love and Jimin's is something made for eternity. Made to last forever and beyond. Her feelings will never change, that much she knows is true.

So how come when I reach out my finger It feels like more than distance between us

But love is a strange feeling. Nobody knows when it comes and nobody could ever guess when it will leave. Just a feeling, but it is enough to make you risk everything you have for that certain someone. Just a feeling, but its enough to make you smile for the rest of your life. Just a feeling but its capable to rip your heart into pieces.

"Are you sleeping over at the dorm again tonight?" Y/N finally find the courage to ask as she poke her food through their very silent dinner, something that has become a routine for them. Jimin raised his head from his plate and set his beautiful eyes that Y/N could never get enough off on her, softly giving her a smile.

"Yes. We have late practice again today. I'm sorry,"

Y/N hummed and nodded at the expected answer. This has been the third week in a row where Jimin has been sleeping over at the dorm. Its understandable since their come back is very near, and they needed all the practice and promotion they needed. But three weeks? It has never been that long before. Jimin will always find a way to come back to her before, be it only for an hour or two, just to share a sleepless night tangling in her sheets before heading back to practice, just to make sure she knows how much he is thinking about her.

But it felt different this time.

There's just some sort of... distance this time.

"But I will be here tomorrow night," Jimin smile at her, noticing the frown forming on her beautiful face.

Y/N's face light up, no longer able to hide her true feelings about the situation. She misses him. She misses every single thing about him and if tomorrow is the only night she is able to get, then that is what shes going to take. And shes going to take all of it.

The next day was spend pampering herself. Extra hour in the rose scented bath, extra lotions on her body, light makeup perfectly done, Jimin's favorite perfume sprayed all over her and carefully picked, of course from the few selection that has always been Jimin's favorite, night gown and delicate lingerie to wrapped around her body.

"Woah," was all Jimin could say when his tired eyes graces the figure sitting on the bed in the dimmed, rose petal scattered, bedroom, patiently waiting for him. Y/N smile shyly at him. "All of this, for me?"

"I-I just missed you," she nodded shyly. "Do you... miss me too?"

"Oh Y/N," Jimin dropped his bag from his shoulder and crawled on tbe bed, making his way all over her, his soft lips on hers replacing his answer. Between the clashing of tounges, fighting for dominance like a man starve and fingers slowly stripping her off from all hides her from his eyes, Y/N failed to realized that Jimin never did answer her question.

The night felt long to Y/N, but if she has to spend forever this way, she would gladly accept it. Soft moans and cries of pleasures left her mouth as Jimin kept thrusting in and out of her, lips never stop kissing her neck and jaw, leaving marks for the world to see tomorrow, fingers fiddling with her two sensitive nubs. She miss him. She miss this. She miss being love by him and there is nothing she wont give to feel Jimin's attention on her like what he's doing right now.

"Ahh, I-I love you Park Ji-Jimin," she cried out along with her release of pleasure and Jimin catches her lips, muffling her moans, and again, in the smoke and shadow of lust and pleasure, she failed to realized that Jimin never said it back.

Eye to eye Cheek to cheek Side by side You were sleeping next to me Arm in arm Dusk to dawn With the curtains drawn And a little last night on these sheets

She woke up from her slumber in the middle of the night, shivering as she reached out for the warm body next to her. But the warmth she seek for, the warmth she yearns for, is no where she is able to reach out to. Feeling cold and confused, Y/N gets up from bed and her bare foot padded along the living room only to see a figure leaning against the corridor.

Jimin.

"Hey baby, what are you doing up?" She went over and give him a tight back hug. Oh how she miss him so much, although he is right here in front of her right now. She closes her eyes and inhale his scent. Jimin turned and flashed her a soft smile. A smile that Y/N know means something is wrong. That smile didnt reach his eyes, nor it makes his eyes turns to little slits, like it usually does if hes really happy.

"Is everything okay baby?"

"Yeah. I was just thinking. Dont worry about it," Jimin turns to face her, his hands on both side of her hips. "Go back to bed, I'll be right in,"

"No. I'll stay here with you until you are ready to go in," Y/N hugs him tight and placed her head on his shoulder, inhaling his beautiful scent that is so familiar to her. "Jimin... you know you can tell me anything right? Anything at all if something is bothering you?" Her soft voice grazed his ears, barely above a whisper.

Jimin hesitated for a moment before answering.

"Ye-yeah. I know that Y/N. Thank you," he smile.

"I love you so much Park Jimin,"

The air was met with silence the moment those words were uttered and Y/N felt her heart starts to crack but she didnt say anything further, closing her eyes tight and hugging him close. If this is the only way she can have Jimin close to her, then she will take it. She rather live in a world where Jimin felt far and distanced from her rather than not having him with her at all.

"Lets... go to bed," was what Jimin finally said when he answered, kissing her forehead and taking her hand, leading her to the bedroom. "Sleep Y/N. I promise when you wake up I will still be here,"

Y/N woke up, still sleepy the next morning and remembers than Jimin was supposed to be here. Taking a deep breath, she turned around and saw Park Jimin still laying on his side of the bed, breathing softly. A smile immediately grace her lips.

He didnt leave.

He stayed with her.

Although he is not right behind her, hands around her waist holding her tight as he usually is when she woke up, although he is curled up all alone at the corner of the other side of the bed, Y/N was still grateful.

From dusk to dawn, with curtains still drawn in to stop the harsh light of reality from entering the room and shine on them, with the marks of last night all over the sheets, Jimin is still here.

Sleeping next to her.

And she could not have asked for more.

So how come when I reach out my finger It feels like more than distance between us

Jimin comes back home more often since that night. But even when he is here, it doesnt feel like he's here. Is it the constant awkward silence between them that seems to always appear now? Is it the lack of laughter and shy glances exchanged with each other? Or is it the none existance heated kisses shared betweenthe two of them like they always do?

Empty looks and unsincere smile was all Jimin ever gave her whenever he's home. It breaks her to see Jimin pushed around his food on the plate and blanked out during their conversations while cuddling. How his touch is no longer infused with love and want and just feel oh so cold.

Y/N couldnt put her finger on it. Something is wrong with her relationship with Jimin and she dont even know what the problem is for her to even try to fix it.

She feels like crying. But why is she even crying for when Jimin is right here besides her on the same bed every night?

Jimin is her everything and just the thought of the growing distance thats keeps on coming between them scares her. How is she ever going to survive without him? How?

Y/N dont know what to do.

And she's scared.

Just when I felt like giving up on us You turned around and gave me one last touch That made everything feel better And even then my eyes got wetter

"Ji-Jimin?"

"Hmm?" He raised his head from the book he is skimming through and looks at her. They havent spoken for almost and hour, which has become a daily routine now, silenced, like two strangers. Y/N has been fiddling with her hands the whole time, stealing glances at her perfect boyfriend. How can he be so at ease? Doesnt he feel the tension and awkwardness happening between them?

"Is... something bothering you? Lately?" She carefully places her words, not wanting to set off Jimin and send him running again. Jimin close his book and furrowed his brows at her question.

"Bothering me? What do you mean?"

"I-I dont know... lately you seem distance... detached? I dont know but I can feel like something is not right. Is there anything you want to share with me?" Jimin smiles and stood up, taking slow steps towards her.

"Not at all. Everything is fine. Maybe you are just overthinking things baby," he reached out for her face and carressed her cheeks. Y/N immediately close her eyes and leaned into his touch. God, how she miss this. How she miss him. "Feel better?"

At the sound of Jimin's voice her eyes snapped open and reality came back to her. No, she cant be drowned in this again. Pulled by his charms. She needs to know whats going on with their relationship before everything turns into dust. She slowly removed Jimin's hand that is still cupping her face and placed it on her lap.

"No.. Jimin. I dont think I'm overthinking anything," she stuttered, already feeling the tears prickling the corners of her eyes. Jimin looks at her, wide eye with confusion. "I can feel it... something is not right between us. Please Jimin, please tell me what it is so I can fix us. Please?"

Her tears are finally rolling down her cheeks, emotions is no longer something she can control. Jimin was silenced, dumbfounded, lost of words. What is he supposed to say when he himself dont know why he is feeling this way?

"Jimin, please! Tell me. I deserve that much," Y/N is full blown sobbing. Jimin's silence confirmed her biggest fear. She had hope he would smile, laugh even, at her accusation. Saying shes crazy. Saying they are okay, that he still loves her as much as the day they first met. But silence? Nothing could be right if she was met with silenced. "Jimin..." she sobbed and shakes his hand which is still in her hold.

Jimin suddenly stood up and paced around the room, softly mumbling, so soft Y/N almost didnt catch it but she did.

"I dont know okay..."

"Wh-what?"

"I dont know okay!" His raised voice surprised her. Jimin was never one to raise his voice or lose out to anger. This is a very rare sight to see and it scares her "I dont know whats the problem either so how am I supposed to tell you?" He ran his hand through his hair, pushing it back, a sight Y/N used to love seeing but right now only seems to break her heart. "I dont know why I'm feeling this way!"

"Wh-what way Jimin?" Her voice stuttered as she ask the question she doesnt want to know the answer to. "What are you trying to say?" Jimin kept quiet for a moment, realizing he shouldnt have said what he said. But theres no point in hiding anymore now that everything is already out in the open.

"The way I feel about you..."

"H-how do you feel about me Jimin?" Her tears are running down her face like an endless waterfall as she stares at Jimin's frowning face who is trying to find the right word to break her heart. Jimin closes his eyes and let out a deep breath.

"Like..like I love you less,"

Those five words feels like a gunshot, a sharp knife to Y/N's heart. Jimin finally said it. He loves her less.

"Is... is that how you truly feel?" She dared herself to raised her eyes to look straight into Jimin's. The eyes that used to twinkle with love, longing and lust, now is only filled with guilt and confusion.

"I-I dont know Y/N," Jimin tries to reach out for her but she flinched away.

"No Jimin! You cant do this to me! Its either you love me or you dont!" She yelled, shocking Jimin who never saw this side of her before. "There is no in between!"

"Y/N please. Please dont be like this. Lets talk things through. Lets-"

"No," Y/N angrily wipe her tears away and grab her bag, ready to leave. "Whats the point Jimin? We could have tallked about it earlier but you choose to avoid me, distance yourself from me, hiding your feelings for me!" She paused as her tears makes it harder for her to breathe. "Thats enough for me to know how you really feel Jimin, eventhough you think you havent figure it out yet!" She sniffled. "Theres no point fighting for someone who doesnt want it, and right now I'm done fighting," she turned on her heels, ready to exit and just stay far away from Park Jimin but he was faster, pulling her hard by the arm, making her stumble back into his chest.

Jimin quickly engulfed her in a hug, head on her shoulder.

"Dont go. Please dont leave like this. Dont..."

"I cant do this Jimin..." she cried. "I love you too much to let you play me like this. You will break me," her broken sobs filling the cold empty room. "You will ruin me Jimin..."

"I'm sorry... I truly am Y/N..." Jimin raised her chin up, making her look at him. For a moment, only for a moment, she thought she saw the old Jimin back in his eyes and when Jimin leaned in to capture her lips in his, nothing else matters.

With her tears still streaming down her face, Jimin lift her up, carrying her to the bedroom, and lay her down on the bed, slowly trailing kisses down her body as he undress her. Now a moaning mess, Y/N can no longer think of anything else as her hands helplessly pull on Jimin's hair as his plush lips nibble and suckle, tounge proding into her most private area. She loves him, she miss him and theres nothing she wont give for this moment to last forever.

Panting as she stares at Jimin who has crawled back up to her face, lips teasingly licking off her juice that is all over his face, she can feel herself crying again as Jimin's soft eyes looks down at her and start kissing her softly. So soft and gentle, like two lovers in love.

That's what they are isnt it? But why doesnt it feel lkke it?

"Dont cry Y/N... dont cry. It will be okay. We will be okay," was the only thing he repeated as he slid into her, thrusting slowly, as if trying to recreate the love between them that they both know is slowly dissappearing.

So confused wanna ask you if you love me But I don't wanna seem so weak

Jimin kissed her forehead and cuddle her close as they pantn still breathing hard from their intimate activity, something Y/N wish would last forever. Y/N lay her head on Jimin's chest, feeling his naked hot skin burning her equally naked body, the sound of his rapid heart beating calming her.

"Jimin?" Her voice small as she calls out to him.

"Yeah?"

"Are we... ok?" Jimin hugs her tighter and kissed her forehead again.

"To be honest Y/N... I dont know..." he stroke her hair, the answer makes he feel suffocated. How can he say that after what they just did? "But I promise I will figure it out. I promise you that baby,"

Y/N hugs him tight, pressing her body closer to him, never wanting to let go. Tears are starting to prickle her eyes again.

"Ji-Jimin... do you lo-" Y/N wanted to ask, she wanted to know, but she couldnt. She doesnt want to seem so weak, to give Jimin such a power over her, knowing how much she wants him, needed him, love him.

"Yes Y/N?"

"N-nothing..."

"Hmmm okay," he held her tighter. "Sleep baby,"

"If I do... when I wake up... will you still be here besides me? On this bed?" Scared to ask, but she needs to know. Will he be gone when she open her eyes again? Will everything that just happened tonight only be like a dream? He stroke her hair softly, kissing her hairline.

"I will. I promise Y/N. When you wake up I will be here. And we will work things out. We will be okay again," Jimin kissed her forehead and both her eyelids, her nose, her cheeks and finally her lips.

"Trust me. We will be okay again..." was the last thing she heard before dozing off, hands holding Jimin tight.

I'll be California wishing on these stars For you're heart on me My California king

The bright sunlight pierced through the window as they had forgotten to pull the curtains close last night. Blinking and rubbing her eyes, Y/N stirred and wake up, finally remembering what happen last night and a smile graced her lips.

Jimin promised they will work things out. They will be okay.

"Jimin?"

She turned to her side and see an empty bed. Did he went down already?

Y/N padded around the house, her heart beating faster as there are no sight of Jimin everywhere. Maybe he went out to get breakfast, he always does that before.

But all hopes crashed when she reached the kitchen and saw a mug of now cold coffee, with a note on it.

Y/N

I'm sorry. But I cant do this anymore

PJM

Stunned and numb, her heart slowly cracking and finally broken into its last tiny pieces, she swing her hand towards the mug, smashing it hard, making it fall to the ground and break into tiny little pieces, the coffee dripping all over the table and the floor, just like her heart. With tears finally running free down her face, she collapsed on the floor, not bothering how the fallen coffee dirtied her clothes or how the glass prickled her skin, making deep red sight of blood oozing out.

It doesnt matter to her. Nothing hurts harder than a broken heart anyway.

All I ever want is your heart Park Jimin. You are my everything, my king.

Maybe I've been California dreaming

Owning Park Jimin's heart is only a dream, and its time for her to wake up.

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