#i dont have anything to go off of but when the journal mentions making another 'me' it reminds me of loop saying theyre like a mirror

[puppyeared]

act 4 :(

@chipper-smol and i came to a realization

[not-poignant]

im finally sick of my brain being shitty enough to make an appointment with a psychiatrist, but in the meantime i thought i might ask you this: in your wonderful answer to my ask re writer's block you mentioned burnout, which im pretty sure is whats happening to me. i dont want to ask you to give me a long answer if you dont have the energy for it, but i would like to know your thoughts on the matter. its been head empty hours over here 24/7 for months, lol, i miss creating

Helloooo,

I actually have written about burnout quite a bit because I've gone through burnout er, quite a bit... In fact I'm going through it again right now.

I have written a fairly long post about it in the past, so that's there if you want to read it.

I've had different kinds of burnout. I've had 'I couldn't write for years' burnout (literally, after university I just couldn't write anything for years and just assumed it was dead and gone because I didn't want to do it either), I've had burnout that's lasted months (even while like...writing as I am now), and so on.

A lot of dealing with burnout is just...resting more. Taking the pressure off yourself more. Grieving that you can't create right now without guilt-tripping yourself for it, a sort of 'I mourn that I can't do it, but there's nothing wrong with me and I am not failing because I can't do it. I need rest and care.' You can try little writer's block tricks here and there when you want to prod again. You can try other kinds of creativity. I can't write like I used to write, so I tried fanfiction. I can't write like I used to write fanfiction, which is why I've never written another Game Theory, because I just...don't want to write another story like that right now (I mean specifically all the sex every chapter, not the politics lmao). I've been feeling an urge to write poetry lately.

For you, through burnout, low-stakes creativity may help. Stuff that can be automatic (cross-stitch kits, where you're just doing someone else's pattern and don't need to really think about it beyond the stitching), colouring books. Or stuff that's low-stakes for you. For me that's often poetry. For you it might be something else.

I also think of getting through burnout where I can't create anything as needing to 'refill the well.' I catch up on shows I've been missing (writing as much as I do actually gives me no time for reading / watching media), I read books, I watch movies, I listen to new music and comfort music, etc. If my well is empty, rest will partially fill it, but so will inspiration. Watching Studio Ghibli for example almost always makes me think 'I want to write the way this makes me feel' - even if I don't write it, that little urge is like, a pulse or spark of alive-ness that gives the well a drop more inspiration for when I'm ready to write again.

It's very different for everyone though. It's important to address the basics - sleep, medications, quality of life, hydration, being well-fed, health (as much as health is possible) etc. If you're anxious and have insomnia and skip meals and forget to drink water etc. then it's back to square one with just...doing your best there. If that's mostly covered, then burnout is often just about meaningfully resting your mind.

I'd also add that there's different kinds of rest. Physical rest (sleeping / stretching), sensory rest (unplugging from screens and social media and overstimulation), emotional rest (time and space to express your feelings), spiritual rest (connecting with something greater than yourself - going into nature, community, giving, meditation etc.), mental rest (breaks, journalling), creative rest (like the cross-stitch and stuff I mentioned above) and social rest (spending relaxing time with people who love you as you are now).

So it's also worth looking at maybe... you're only focusing on one or two kinds of rest right now. Sometimes burnout requires that you address more of them. <333

There's no easy way through, because rest is the easiest way through, and rest is very hard (and not always possible to the degree we need it) for all of us in this day and age. Be gentle with yourself. I wasn't going to write a post as long as this but actually as someone who needs to hear these things myself right now, maybe you might need to hear some of them as well.

The main thing is burnout doesn't last forever, it's cyclical, it's not like chronic fatigue, or other chronic illnesses. Even people with chronic fatigue (like me!) can experience burnout cycles. So this will pass! You may not feel like writing again in the same way, and that's okay, whatever new version of you evolves out of your current exhaustion, I hope you enjoy that version of yourself, and learn to care for and show compassion to the current version of your tired self as well <3

[shivada-jade]

magical mischief (2)

hogwarts!au

character(s): diluc ➡ mentions: kaeya, sucrose, childe, venti, baal, diona warning(s): swearing <3

notes: it was supposed to be diluc, zhongli, and thoma but diluc's unexpectedly got longer than i hoped oOPS so i made a separate one for zhongli and thoma

part 1: kaeya, childe, albedo

gryffindor!

diluc

everyone knows of the gryffindor prefect. some people would mistake him as ravenclaw for being so studious; some people would mistake him for slytherin for being so closed off. in his first year of hogwarts, people often mistook him as hufflepuff for being friendly, overly polite, and outgoing. the hufflepuff mistake changed when he turned sixteen.

no one knows what happened to his sudden change of personality. no one but kaeya and a strange, childhood, ravenclaw friend that works with another even stranger ravenclaw.

sucrose pushes her glasses up, watching you create another explosion in her room.

you cough, wiping off the ashes from your face. the black smudges on your face don't go away. sucrose hands you a handkerchief and you gratefully accept it, finally getting the grime off.

"project sixty-two oh-eight is unsuccessful." the mint haired girl notes in a journal. "moving on to..."

you tilt your head, giving her a nod to go on but she stares at the space behind you. you turn and see kaeya, cracking open the door with a quiet knock. you frown, his uncharacteristic actions feel so weird. he usually just blasts open the door with a flick of his wand and sashays inside.

"kaeya?" you ask after apologizing to sucrose for interrupting her. "what's up?"

the slytherin clears his throat, opening the door more widely. "may i have a moment of your time? preferably not here, though."

he's so... formal. unlike himself.

you wave goodbye to sucrose and promise her to do another experiment next time then direct your attention back to the boy in front of you. "sure, outside?"

he nods. with a swish of his robes, he walks out. you note his posture is so unlike him. his strides are more rigid, less carefree. it's like a comparison from a beauty model to an uptight CEO.

he leads you right in a place where you can see the black lake. it's awfully farther than you expected. you thought he was going to lead to to the court yard, or at least the slytherin common room.

"kaeya, you're not acting like yourself." you comment.

"haha!" an airy laugh escapes from someone. you jolt, surprised from the unexpected guest. you feel two hands clamp your shoulders. "you're absolutely right, my dear."

you knit your brows, walking away from kaeya and... diluc. you slap a hand over your mouth. "wait, diluc- did you just laugh?!" did he just call you 'my dear' with a peppy tone

kaeya grumbles in displeasure. his arms cross while his brother leans on him with a carefree attitude.

you make an 'o' shape with your lips, piecing the clues together. "oh.. oh." you try to remain stoic and serious about the situation, seeing how uncomfy kaeya- no- how uncomfy diluc is.

you gasp out laughing, clutching your stomach. you crouch on the ground unable to control your laughs and look up to the brothers with tears in your eyes, "oh- please! you've switched bodies! how?!"

no wonder the slytherin had been acting all curt and polite. diluc in kaeya's body pinches the bridge of his nose. "the new first year did this," he starts to explain. "took one look at me and said, 'i will destroy the wine industry!' i don't even know how the kid knows of my family's business in the muggle world."

"placed a spell on us with weird words while having a quidditch practice match," kaeya finishes. "but really, who doesn't know of the winery? even the purest of purebloods know of it."

kaeya (still in diluc's body) looks at the red portion of his robes with a scrunched up nose. you're unable to tell if he hates how the robe feels on him. or if he hates wearing gryffindor's colours.

you hum, scratching your head. "you want me to undo the spell, right?"

"if it isn't a problem," diluc presses his lips together. with one glance at your unsure face, his shoulders droop. "you don't know how, do you..."

you smile sympathetically. "i'll try my best to undo it, but just in case, we need to find that first year, to the source itself"

kaeya raises his arms behind his now red hair, "great! it feels so weird to be seeing with both my eyes. or well, with both diluc eyes. the kid's name is diona. she's also in slytherin like me. diluc will lead you to her."

"what? why me," diluc asks.

"because you're the one who looks like me, duh! i cant go in the slytherin common room if i look like gryffindor prefect. just bring [y/n] with you. childe can also help-"

diluc glowers, "you still hang around that scum?"

"you still keep that vase?" kaeya throws sweet poison to diluc.

you chuckle nervously when you see them bring their wands out. "so, diona? let's find her."

kaeya raises a brow, and smirks. "toodles~! i dont want to spend another minute in this grump's body. that donna girl keeps trying to give me a pie- i dont want seven different pies." he wriggles his fingers to show his goodbye.

you shiver. it's so weird to see diluc- when you know diluc isn't actually diluc in his body. but his face keeps smiling and showing emotions with kaeya's soul inside. it's weird to not see only little quirks of his mouth or his typical sighs.

but really though, you could stare at kaeya's new face. it's strange seeing diluc with a scheming face: the one kaeya typically wears

"please at least try to not get into any trouble..." diluc purses his lips. "i'll try to act like you- you try to act like me."

you stare at diluc with owlish eyes. diluc? acting like kaeya?

it seems kaeya has the same reaction, because he freezes. luckily for him, he's quick witted, "oh? act like you?" he musters the grouchiest face and crosses his arms. "hello, i am diluc ragnvindr. i am a grouchy gryffindor. i hate kaeya. i hate lots of slytherins, especially the beautiful, gorgeous asshole named kaeya," he praises himself.

diluc fights the urge to throw him into the black lake. you laugh, dragging diluc away and leading him to where the slytherin common room is.

"i've only been here once, but i am acquainted with childe, so he can show us around." you bump his side playfully and stand outside the slytherin common room.

"CHILDE." you yell with your hands amplifying the noise.

"WHADDUP SHAWTY," you hear a shout from behind you.

you nod to diluc, encouraging him to somehow find a way to get the slytherin password from childe. you know he hates him, but you want to see dilucs words come true. you want to see how he acts as kaeya.

he lets out a shaky sigh and smiles so casually. the smile is so pretty, it hurts. it's a shame he doesn't do that with his own face.

childe beams seeing the two of you, "hey comrades! what are you all standing around for?" he prods around, eying diluc then snaps his fingers as if realizing something.

you wait a bit for diluc to say something, or act more, but it seems he's done his acting gig and goes straight to the point. "what's the password?"

you deadpan. childe's gonna question him now and he'd have to say he's actually dilu-

"yeah sure no problem! it's 'reckoning'"

diluc says the word to a blank wall and enters through the door. you squint your eyes and make a face at childe. "you're up to something, i know."

he shrugs and pushes you in after diluc. "tell diona i said hi."

...

you sit at the lounge, waiting for diluc to show up with diona. your brows crease, because diluc is right. childe knows something others don't. you don't recall telling childe you were trying to find diona.

you doubletake, seeing a hufflepuff drinking an absurd amount of butterbeer from who knows where. they hang their arms around a slender, purple haired slytherin who tries to push him off with disgust.

what is venti doing hanging out with the slytherin queen. he'll die-

"venti," you hiss, reaching out to try and let him live a bit longer.

he hiccups and waves you over. he 'whispers' to the slytherin next to him. oh he's in trouble now. "psst, baal. is that the one all the slytherins are talking about?" his whispers are shouts at this point.

the slytherins at the lounge freeze, hoping you havent caught on yet.

baal hits venti's head with a hand, "shut up. you're ruining the plan."

you snort seeing venti spill his drink on his clothes.

"but baal," venti downs what's left in his mug. "if that grumpy gryffindor wont confess to [y/n] then how on earth is the plan even going to work? he barely even talks to [y/n] these days because hee likes [y/n] too much." he says as if you're not in the room. he continues babbling even after baal kicks his shins, "kaeya's plan won't work if diona-"

oh shit so it's kaeya's plan and every slytherin is on it

baal drags venti out of the common room and throws him out and all the other slytherins hastily leave to their own rooms.

diluc coughs from behind you, now transformed to his normal self and with who you assume is diona. pink peppers his face while he tried to cover his face with his fiery hair. "um, i found diona. she swapped me back."

diona sticks her tongue out. "that ugly kaeya made a deal with me on something and i had to oblige! it's honestly so pathetic how you can't confess so deal or no deal: i had to do it, but the uglier bard ruined the whole plan so i turned you back."

diluc dusts imaginary dust off his cloak and grasps your hands. he looks down to his feet, still unsure of whether to do this or not. "well, you heard it all. it's a shame it couldn't be from me but-" he rambles. with other's he's confident, but with you he's a mess. "i hope you can accept my feelings. if not i understand, i'll go on with my day and you'll never have to see me."

he holds his breath, silently quivering with the lack of response you give. a hand lifts his chin up and he stares at your eyes, nervous.

you didn't say anything, but you smile and give his the warmest hug.

he knows the answer now.

he wraps his arms back, silently thanking kaeya for his idiotic plan. it's stupid, but it worked in the end.

BONUS!:

"KAEYA I WILL FUCKING MURDER YOU AND YOUR FRIENDS"

kaeya swirls a gold goblet with sparkling grape juice inside. he wolfishly grins and holds his cup up with a hand. "a toast for master diluc! for finally confessing, if people can even call it that."

he lowers it, placing it on his lips but never drinking it. he grins under the cup seeing diluc's wand in his hand flaming red.

"it's not even my fault." kaeya starts to explain his bullshit to diluc, "you can blame yourself. honestly, it gets tiring seeing you pine for so long and avoiding them like you weren't childhood friends with them."

the tips of diluc's ears turn red, not wanting to agree with his brother, but it was true. he was hopeless in the romantic department by himself. he can reject thousands and millions of people. he can have who ever he wants, but you aren't "whoever." you're the most special someone to him and that made him scared.

kaeya hands his drink to diluc, "do i get a thank you?"

diluc scoffs, yet accepts the drink. "thank you," he quietly mutters.

part 3: thoma, zhongli

[uselessheretic]

ok hot take but also i feel like the "ao3 needs as much money as possible bc theyre the last stand for fanfic rights and at any moment everything can be lost just like it was a decade ago" feels so... similar to the fear propagated by the state to defend anti terrorism initiatives or over policing. which i am not saying that these are the same things (fandom is just fandom in the end lol) but the way that this side of fandom is majority white women and kinda falling for the same line of thought is just...?

bc it is similar to the "we are the last stand against freedom and at any moment your lives can be taken away" based off of past threats where this "last stand" doesnt even fucking do anything.

but the inability to question anything with ao3 is just soooo weird where its viewed as questioning the right for fandom to exist. people see ao3 as the only thing protecting fandoms ability to exist and that they are the single thing keeping creators at bay from purging all fandom when forreal and actually? that hasnt been a threat for the last decade. the culture around fanfiction has changed since then where creators are more eager to see fans engage with it and encourage it. the handful of ones who dont are treated as a minority and kinda actively shamed. you really cant do an anne rice nowadays and not get a shit ton of backlash, not just from fans, but other creators too. like dude... if youre pitching books to agents they actually encourage you to mention if youve written fic because it shows how you engage with an audience 😭

that doesnt mean fic is safe with no threat against it, but the lack of action taken against fic isnt because of ao3... its just bc the climate has changed and ppl who were fans in the 90s are creators today

but again its a culture of "you cant question ao3 about ANYTHING or youre jeopardizing fanfiction" which is definitely bc of the weird polarization of proship/anti stuff that impacts shit thats not even relevant dndjdkdjdn like? wanting the site to update its tagging system, add the ability to save filters, block users, have a better response to harassment, actively state that it does not condone racism and bigotry, get rid of the invite system, etc etc isnt anything that really has to do with ship shit but its taken as Anti Stances which is fucking wilddddd

god or the whole... real minors having nsfw rpf of them thing (🤢) it was kinda wild to see proshippers reactions to it because from what i could see by going thru the qrts and blocking freaks...... most of them also thought it was fucking weird and shouldnt be a thing. which makes sense that the line between anime porn vs "wait but thats a kid???" is clear to even terminally online folks, but then ao3 refused to change it so instead of pushing back they just let it go. so it becomes another thing you cant question or else its threatening ao3 and youre one of the enemies.

iont know man but remember when that girlie on twitter "published" an article about how antis are a cult in ao3s shitty lil "peer reviewed" journal and it was so so sooo bad and had zero sources? its just kinda funny how the inability to question authority, the us vs them, and the financial exploitation is like uhh a thing w proshippers lol????

anyways this is why i think white women are forming a whole fucking fandom qanon bc the amount of absolute batshit insane things ppl say claiming that there are discords full of children being groomed by antis, that proshippers are dying in mass, and that their creative freedom will be taken away if you say "its bad to be racist" so they donate hundreds and thousands of dollars to an organization that straight up doesnt need it? LIKE................ someone call susans loved ones and help her out of this 😭

[oh-for-fic-sake]

Day In The Sun

Masterlist

Henry and you have a serious discussion about your relationship and then have some fun in the garden!

Warnings: Adult situations +18, Smut, Oral (fem receiving), forced orgasms, Overstimulation, Toys, Waterplay (hose/water stream/pool), Daddy kink, mentions of age play, Semipublic sex, Anxiety, Panic attacks.

A/N: so here is a smut piece, I wanted to have the serious break down and realistic talk about their change in relationship that has taken ages to write, I just wanted it to be right this fic is supposed to be about them going from a vanilla relationship to a ddlg/bdsm relationship tho she is a little some of these will be more bondage and s/m to any way just wanted to clear things up lol... Sorry about it being so long tho...and taking so long guys i got side track once again this is long...like even for me like 12000+ words I do hope you enjoy it xx

Taglist: @two-unbeatable-beaters​ @thatgirly81​ @angelofthorr @iloveyouyen​ @viking-raider​ (tagging people I think will like if you don’t want to be let me know xx)

Day In The Sun

It was a few days after your first real spanking and Henry had tip toed around you a little bit. And it was nothing to do with you...Well it was.... It was complicated, you hadn't said anything to him about the whole thing, but he had noticed you fall a few times. Not physically but mentally you now had a deeper grasp on your little, you noticed when you were falling into little space and that was when you'd withdraw into yourself immediately stopping hat ever you were doing in that moment and going off to another part of the house quietly.

He could see you were uneasy with it, going so far as to hide away your lama teddy that has sat one your bed since day one!. He had also noticed some toys from the blanket box turned adult toy box in the closet go missing, he wasn't angry as such more concerned you had been very jumpy around him. You were confused at least he hoped it was confusion not fear either way he felt guilty things had been progressing nicely before. He'd managed to give tiny nudges encouraging you to do the things that made you younger like playing your games and doing your 'adult' coloring or reading to you at night to wind down these were just to name a few each slowly eased you in to little space almost trying to drip feed it into your relationship. He was also managing to make small changes unnoticed by you. Nothing major just cutting down your coffee intake and swapping it for juice instead the same with snacks keeping more fruit and less crap around.

He knew you still firmly believed that this whole ddlg thing was a kink for the bedroom and should be left at that but he also knew that you desperately wanted it to be more you just couldn't voice it yet, so he did these things for you that way he could supervise you then scoop you out of it when he thought you were going to freak out and have a proper sub drop, which you wasn't ready for by any means. But the whole ordeal of spanking and being fully aware of your little side had shaken you you were alert and it made it harder for Henry to continue his safe and gentle method of introducing the dynamic.

He had decided to let you mull things over for a few days and acted seemingly normal trying to show you that things hadn't changed as drastically as you feared. But he knew sooner or later you was going to fall and everything would hit you and he had to be ready, he as your dom had to be able to pick you up and help you back together.

He sighed from the kitchen as he wiped the counter top down seeing it happen again right before his eyes, you had been happily doodling in your journal nibbling on your right thumb your phone connected to the speaker in the living room singing and jigging along to your new album k-12 by Melanie Martinez totally in your element voice slightly higher an indicator of you in little space once again but knowingly and completely at ease then everything stopped. He looked up quickly as you stopped singing you'd frozen at the coffee table ,just stopped freezing seeming to realize that you'd been in little space and quickly scrabbling to your phone disconnecting it and putting it down beside you.

You looked down at your page and panicked slamming the boom shut and curled up bringing your knees to your chest and rested your head in them. Your shoulders shook and he could hear the sobs and quiet whispers as you...Scolded yourself? He could hear it as clear as day you berating yourself, the harsh whispers of freak and someone being disgusted? He truly hoped you hadn't convinced yourself he was disgusted with you, far from it he was thrilled to have his little subby!

He paused this was new, he took a few seconds to study you as you started breathing heavy then holding your breath for what felt like minutes at a time but was only seconds. Panicking,  you was one breath away from what sounded like a very bad panic attack. Once he was certain you were truly falling to pieces in front of him and needed him to step in he moved.

Quickly and quietly he rounded the counter sitting on the sofa behind you and hoisted you up taking a firm hold of your underarms plucking you up from the floor. You fought him trying to wriggle from his grip not wanting him to see you in this state, but Henry being the huge man he was subdued you skillfully. He uncurled you sitting you on his lap legs bent either side of his waist straddling him leaning on his chest you sobbed quietly.

"I'm so-sorry I d-dont...I-I'm just re-really sor-rry!" He hushed you rocking you slowly as you wept into his chest.

"Oh babygirl what's the matter? what are you sorry for? daddy was here and I didn't see you do anything?" You cried harder at his words feeling ashamed. It washed over you like a huge wave of guilt, nasty whispers in your head repeating over and over how this was wrong, what you wanted was sick and wrong and he would leave if you didn't change lockdown or not. You pulled back aghast at him and shoom your head.

"NO! THATS-WE CAN'T I can't...I have to stop it..stop all this!" You took a deep breath worry anxiety and panic making you flustered as you wriggled again fighting his hold on you, you wanted to run, to lock yourself in the bathroom until this passed but he wasn't letting you go anywhere not until all this was sorted out.

Your words sunk in quickly, cutting at him a little you didn't want this? To be in that sort of relationship with him? He hadn't forced you had he? Hurt you? He licked his lip in apprehension dreading what was going to come of this. Had he read your signals wrong? ignored your true feelings for his own benefit? You struggled again pressing your knees down to bounce off of him, he moved quickly one hand on your waist pressing down holding you right where you was.

"Whoa whoa there little bit....what's the matter? I know gave you time to settle but baby please tell me you haven't let your mind run away with you? Have you? Whats going on love talk to me please"

You looked up and stopped fighting him as he said that, he was worried and anxious you could tell. You swallowed looking at him sadly seeing how upset you'd made him. Sighing you tried looking away but Henry stopped you cupping your face gently you closed your eyes pressing into him.

You'd missed this these past few days, it was your own fault. You were scared, you’d avoided him not wanting to cling to him or risk becoming..whatever it was...A little?. It was hard you were scared and confused and you'd become so used to going to him and letting out all your fears he was your rock. But you just felt this was something you had to sort out alone. So you shut yourself off from him when all you really wanted to do was curl up in his lap and cry.

The whole spanking thing had been fine...You supposed it had been what you wanted the secret need to be corrected,but it was after you'd sucked of a fucking paci! And cuddled your teddy in front of your supersexy boyfriend! How the fuck can he be okay with that? Calling him daddy was one thing but to let yourself be soo deep into... Whatever that was and enjoy it? Was it bad? You wanted more of it, more of him coddling you and looking after you and protecting you, you'd loved how small you'd felt with him afterwards,  how things just clicked between you both but it was supposed to be a kink not a lifestyle wasn't it?...It was to much to ask you should just be happy with your arrangement in the bedroom.

You want to be honest with him you really do but how could you tell him that? You couldn't tell him what you really wanted!...That in some strange fucked up way him treating you like a little girl-baby was something you'd never experienced before but it felt right! You felt safe and reassured like nothing could touch you and nothing else mattered...That you'd been online and saw how other little’s and babygirl’s were treated by their daddies and you wanted to try that. No you wont push your luck not with Henry! you wont risk loosing him so you were going to stamp it out! Destroy it before it destroys your relationship.

You were pulled from your thoughts by Henry running his hand from your jaw to the back of your neck pulling you close cradling you softly humming as he rocked you. You melted into him as he drew patterns across your back.

"Sweet girl if you don't tell me how can I possibly help?...." you stayed quiet moving to rest the side of your face against him listening to his heart beat running one fingernail in small circles on his soft top. No you wont talk. You will just take these moments of being small like this and be satisfied. He sighed at your silence someone was definitely being a stubborn girl, he hummed trying to think of something he could do to get you to open up.

"Okay how about I tell you what I have noticed hmm? About what I think is going on then we can talk?" You blinked slowly sounded okay, he wont know so there’d be nothing to talk about. You nodded moving to rub your face into his soft t-shirt breathing in his scent.

"I think your frightened....frightened of your little and what I think....I think you have this silly idea that its bad, and what we do is bad...and I also think that your trying to stop it, trying to fight it..." you gasped how did he? NO! He wasn't supposed to know! You started trembling crying again softly into him. He huffed as you nodded into him again.

"H-howd you find o-out? I'm tr-trying to sto-op it I really am I-Im sorry please don't lea-leave I can Ignore it I swear!" He frowned stiffening under you.

"No baby no I don't want you to stop it or ignore it babygirl listen-" you whined interrupting him

"But its to-o much!...I want to much and I'm being sel-selfish and stupid and childish and the things that I want from us? from you! I saw on the internet  what I truly want! You'll leave me! I have to stop Henry!" What started as a small unsure statement became a broken sob and you thrust your face into him harder still bawling our eyes out in harsh body shaking sobs.

Henry took a moment shushing you, calming you down again as you sat there breaking into pieces. The one thing that stood out for him tho was that you didn't want to stop this new turn in your relationship, you felt like you had to. That for some silly reason you thought he was the one who was uncomfortable. He chuckled making you wince.

"Oh sweet pea is that whats been eating away at you? Come here my silly little baby." You hiccuped as he squished you to him tightly peppering your head with kisses.

"You think its wrong. That I will leave if we don't keep this as a bedroom thing correct?" You nodded to him feeling silly still wanting to run and hide, you might do just that you looked up quickly looking around avoiding his gaze and moved trying to untangle yourself from him. He sat there holding you, an unmovable force running his hands across you in slow soothing patterns, he knew what to do it wasn't the first panicking sub he'd had to talk down.

"Hey no..No hiding love look at me...That’s right good girl....Now lets get something straight right here little bit...I love you...I love you for who you are and nothing will ever ever change that... You don't have to change a damn thing. I want this probably more then you." You snapped your eyes to his. What? You whined shaking your head and stopped. He looked sincere? And serious had he meant it? You slowly swallowed and calmed letting his words sink in.

"Deep breaths come on babygirl.....See that’s it isn't that better?....There she is my brave girl~ your shocked huh? Don’t be I told you when I first caught you in our bed I have always wanted my own baby girl to cuddle watch over and look after in every sense, the idea of you needing no. Wanting and trusting me to look after you in the most basic of ways it satisfies something inside of me like...I can't even describe...I want to be your daddy all the time I want to help you with everything, to be care giver to you and your little side." You flushed twiddling your thumbs staring down a them nervously.

"B-but you don't understand...I enjoyed sucking on that that.." you blushed red unable to even say the word out loud.

"No no look at daddy..That’s it good girl, I know you did I was there you know~ and I didn't mind, I loved seeing you let yourself just be content and comfortable with yourself...Sweet pea I'm sorry to say this but you are a little...And a complicated one at that! You swing through ages like I've never seen before, but you always have and I've known from day one...But it wasn't until I found you the other week that I realized on some level you knew to..You crave a daddy, and not just to be spanked and fucked like a run of the mill kink you want something more, you want someone to make the bigger decisions someone you can come to who loves you and will always be firm and fair...You want a dom and a full time no holds bar daddy dom. And I want someone who needs that, who wont see me as an overzealous control freak when I take the reigns, who won't get police involved if she ends up having an unwilling trip over my knee. My need to take care of you is just as ingrained into me as your need to be all cute and small is in you. You are my little, my cute subby and I’m your daddy, caregiver and dom, we have be doing this for pretty much our whole relationship you've only just realized what it is baby" You smiled at him coming around to the idea..

He did make sense you loved how even before all this he would as you put it 'step up' and sometimes put his foot down out right refusing to let you do something stupid now you saw why it effected you so much, the little rush of warmth that melted in your chest when he would take charge.

"A-and my little? I don't know really what it...She is?...And what do you mean ages I dont get that.." He smiled

"She is you baby, you are little all the time really but you have a little space that you fall into your just more aware now is all, you've always done it. And as for ages, some little’s settle on a particular age range you...Well you do and you don't... your normal everyday self is technically a middle a sassy funny little preteen but when certain things happen or the mood strikes you ,you begin to go younger...Like the other day in your spanking made you fall right down through age ranges and crashed into a proper babygirl. I did have an suspicion that would happen its why I had your paci and lama there just incase. And before you say anything I don’t mind I adore it! Your already half way there right now! which I’m afraid you need to pull yourself out of as we are about to have a very important big girl talk." You flushed you kind of guessed that, you took a deep breath.

"Then stop rubbing my back..Not helping!" He laughed pulling back twisting you to side sideways on his lap letting you lean on him instead.

"I'm sorry love there how about that better?" You nodded

"Okay what do we need to talk about?" He gave you a soft smile.

"Well now we have established that we both consent and want to do this, we need to have boundaries...Guidelines so we know what works for us and what doesn't" you nodded at his it made sense.

"So what is it you wanted from me Babygirl? You said earlier you wanted more..and you looked online, I wish you'd waited for me love there is some scary stuff online" you hummed going red again. How were you gonna put this? Now was the time to be honest.

"I-I liked err after when you was erm rocking me...With my teddy and the...You know-" he chuckled

"Your paci?" You nodded quickly trying to brush off what he had said.

"Yeah that..I don't know if...I mean if you wanted to try more of that stuff?" He smiled bright at you.

"You mean you want to explore you babygirl side? With bottles and sippy’s letting you go deep into your little space? Absolutely baby girl! Next." You blinked he had agreed just like that?

"And..Maybe rules...I read online little’s get rules and chores and stuff." He froze so you had been online looking for information about proper safe ageplay.

"...Okay nugget...From now on we agree here and now..I am your Daddy dom and you are my little subby, you will have rules and chores and a good girl chart, but you will also have consequences for naughty behavior time outs, loss of privileges and spankings on the worst offenses...But and this is a big but so listen close...I will not have sex with you if you fall into your babygirl headspace and I will not tolerate you being brat just to get spankings okay? If you try that then you wont like the outcome...We can try everything once and if is doesn't work for the both of us then we wont do it again...Does that sound fair?" You thought about it and nodded but spoke out loud.

"Why would I want a spanking tho...It hurt bad...My bottom is still bruised..And is baby girl different from my little I don't get it" he smirked rubbing his palms down your thighs.

"Well your bottom is still sore because you were a very naughty girl and I had to use my slipper. Not all spankings are bad girl spankings, sometimes they can be fun and very very pleasant if I decide they should be~. And each person has there own take on little space's for me if your little which quite frankly you dip in and out of all the time then I find it okay to be intimate but after a certain Point...No I don't think its okay if your to far gone to young then I wont be intimate with you in that sense." You blinked nodding slowly

"So if I am really small we wont.. but if I'm like now then we can?" He grinned nodding.

"Yes exactly we will have small hiccups but we will always always talk things through just like we are now... In a moment we will write down your rules and your hard limits; things you never want to try even once and then get a list of chores, after they are written you can spend the rest of the day making them into pretty posters" you faltered poster? He rolled his eyes

"We will hang them up in the gym where no one but us will see and I want you to get your lama out of the box in the closet and place him back on our bed where he belongs and put the toys back in our box..Don’t think I haven’t noticed things going walkies missy" You nodded shyly at him as his tone changed into disapproving scold he rasies an eyebrow.

"Use your words baby"

"Yes..Daddy" he beamed at you leaning in giving you a big kiss

"Good girl and that is your first rule right there in the house you call me daddy unless you want to have a very serious one on one talk, and it is not an excuse to get out of trouble either you call me by my name to try and wriggle out of a punishment I will get out the strap which is much more painful then he slipper I can assure you...Three times with that then its the cane... any way enough about that nasty business lets go!" He said rising taking you with him placing you on his hip effortlessly making you squeak grabbing on to him tightly.

"Cane?! You have a cane since when?!" He moved patting your bottom.

"Since before we met and I have used them in the past in clubs but no I have never used this particular one on someone and I don't want to they are very very nasty and that will be the absolute last resort held back for only the naughtiest of things like re offending and putting yourself in a life threatening situation..Like driving home drunk or something similarly stupid ,dangerous and avoidable... now like I said enough of all that and you don't have to hold on so tight nugget I wont let you fall I promise" you took a breath and pressed yourself back into him hugging his neck burying your nose into his neck taking deep breaths. He froze as you whispered under your breath.

"I thought I was gonna loose you" he rubbed your back going upstairs to the office to get pens and paper."You'll never ever loose me baby"

It was one week later when you found yourself running down the stairs at full speed, it was going to be hot today, really hot and Henry had mentioned that if you were good he would get the paddling pool and garden recliners out for the day. You were excited your favorite thing in the summer was floating in the small pool with Kal laying in the water beside you, the always you quickly moved through the hall and kitchen only for Henry to loop an arm around your middle as you tried running past him to the garden.

"Whoa! Where are you of to in such a hurry? On that thought what have I said about running in the house? Especially the kitchen?" He chuckled at your wide eyes and you pointed out to the garden.

"Sorry daddy I just i-its gonna be  hot...You said we can have the chairs and pool out....Didn't you mean it?" You tilted your head sweetly pouting at him he looked at you from the top of his eyes then sighed smiling. You squealed with joy knowing it meant yes, but before you could continue outside he pulled you too him with a firm hand.

"First things first love get something on your feet and stay in the shade until I find the sun cream you know how easy you burn...But yes we can get the pool out but only if you help me with the grass and tidy the garden first" you sighed pouting again he lowered his head to you mimicking you sticking out his bottom lip.

"Oh poor baby...I know you don't like it, but if we work together then it will be done faster and before its to hot that way we have the rest of the weekend to relax, I will get the pool out and fill it while I'm hosing down the patio...And for all your hard work we can have a takeaway tonight how does that sound?" You perked up at that. You were a sucker for a takeaway it had become one of your 'good girl' rewards since starting your new found d/s relationship dynamic, you and Henry had found a natural rhythm each falling into your roles comfortably,  you were finding it easier to be in your head space always seeming to have yourself in your little space at some degree. You'd both agreed on a set of rules ,chores and rewards. Punishment was really at Henry's discretion but your safe word was there to stop everything if things turned sour.

Currently you were waiting for some of your other... specialized things Henry had got a few things through the post in the week since your talk, a few cool gear water bottles for summer with the reusable ice inserts and stickers for you to decorate your lilac one, some new softer bedding and blankets for in the living room. Henry was adamant that when you had one of your moods you would be taking a nap apart from that he had ordered you some new clothes.

The things you were waiting for was the new pacifiers bottles and proper sippy cups. He found a store online that was just age play and had gone a bit mad...well you thought he had, he brought up almost one of every onesie on the site for starters! Then there was something you was apprehensive about... The nappies they were these strange reusable nappy like things. He said he wanted to be prepared in case of you going into that adult baby state which apparently you had gone into once or twice frankly you didn't remember. You'd nodded trusting him but couldn't help the tiny bit of anxiety over them but still you told yourself it isn't much different from your reusable pads you use on your monthly.

Smiling to him you nodded at him you'd agree to anything for a takeaway.

"Yeah okay!" You agreed instantly he let you go with a quick kiss making you smile, you moved to the door only for him to stop you again.

"HEY what did I just say baby? Go get your shoes first" seeing your face drop made him feel slightly guilty so he added a task, making you think you were doing something for him

"Could you grab mine as well love? Then we can go make a start" You stopped and shook your head laughing.

"Sorry Daddy got to excited I guess" you quickly moved back to the hall grabbing a pair of flip flops and sliding them on then grabbed his you moved to the kitchen giving him his. With a smile and called Kal who ran past you into the garden. You loved seeing him run and jump about on the grass rolling occasionally rubbing his face in it.

It was a simple garden flat and long, just outside the patio door as a large square morrocan mosaic tiled patio, at the moment it was grubby, but underneath that grime build up was a beautiful bright patio. The tiles were a vibrant blues oranges and terracotta colors broken up with brilliant white, the design was of intricate sun stars. Just left of the door was a new built in Barbecue he had it put in the end of last summer and you suspected Henry will spend a lot of time at this year. There was one long raised planter bed separating the two main areas that would soon hold an array of fruits and vegetables. Then there was a stretch of lawn with flower beds either side with one path on the right leading you from the patio to the shed at the very bottom. Either side was a 6ft fence and some of the taller plants on the property line helped keep the garden private. And being an end of terrace meant that you only had to worry about being overlooked on one side.

You hovered by the door in the shade as you’d been instructed to, you found listening to Henry was just...Simpler accepting his judgement was just part of the norm, it always had been to be fair ,but when you'd realized why you'd been so compliant with him you found yourself questioning him more fighting things and it had made you miserable. But now with your knew understanding things were back to normal you just had a better understanding of it all you basked in it. You still had a say in things and he would hear you out taking your thoughts into consideration  but ultimately he wore the trousers in the relationship and you were fine with that, you found a strange security in it.

Kal enjoyed the cooler air of the morning racing about on the grass and 'stamping' his feet  trying to get you to play with him. You laughed as he barked and pounced at you then leaned down wriggling his ass in the air.

"What's got into you bear?" He barked and stamped again at you

"Oh! Did you here daddy say pool? Is that what it is you want? to play in the water today moosh?" He spun around barking happily then tore off doing laps around the grass. You jumped when Henry placed a warm hand on your back.

"Well he seems excited for a day in the garden...here hold this and arms up" you moved quickly taking the sun cream from him and spread your arms out. He winked opening the cap and letting you put some on his open palm. He moved slowly first dotting out the cream then moved massaging it in with slow firm strokes across your arms dragging his palms in slow rounds covering you in the white cream you closed your eyes as he moved from one side to the other then snapped your eyes as he moved to you chest gasping as a new blob of cold cream was smeared on your chest.

You blushed and held your breath as his hands moved lower into your new cute lilac and blue floral play suit he had ordered it was a spaghetti strap and straight button up with ties at the back to pull it in at your waist. He kept his eyes glued to his hands concentrating on the task smoothing the now warm cream into the tops of your breasts. This was heaven it had to be! you sighed you were getting hotter as he moved paying more attention to your breasts rolling his palms around on your nipples and pinched them lightly making you gasp when they stood at a full attention. You blushed as he plucked the pink buds once more making you shift your weight as heat pooled in your lower tummy, it seemed he was in a playful mood today.

"S-stop!" You fidgeted whimpering at him as he did it again this time pulling them a little twisting them in his fingers.

"Why babygirl you know I just can't help myself~" you moved pressing on his chest weakly.

"N-no not here! We're outside!" He chuckled kissing your neck as he moved behind you his velvet tone caressed your ear as he spoke moving slowly holding his hand below the tube of sun cream for you to add more to his palm.

"No undies today love? You wouldn't be trying to tease me now would you?" He chuckled when he saw your arm tremble slightly knowing full well what he has started

You flinched as the cool cream touched your back then shivered as he once again started rubbing it in using the opportunity to knead out any knots you might have around your shoulders, you went slack moaning softly as he moved lower and lower, coaxing the spaghetti straps down your arms so he could move to the curve of your back.

"Got a little to much that time might as well use it hey sweet pea?" You hummed closing your eyes as he moved running his warm palms back and forth across to your back and sides. He pulled away moving the straps back in place then walked around you and crouched taking the tube away from you and spread another lot on to his hands you moved back a little unsure what he was doing but he gave you a look.

"Ah ah here...That's it shh hold still it wont take long now" you stood still as he smirked up at you moving his hands lazily up across your calves rubbing once again making you melt under his gentle kneading movements. You trembled as he leaned in kissing the inside of your knees as he past them then moved teasingly across your thighs moving going from one to the other massaging front and back. You moaned grasping his shoulders leaning into him your pussy already excited from just his hands roaming and pressing into you. He chuckled when you rocked forward to him unable to help yourself as he made a slow ascent up each leg leaving soft kisses here and there. He continued past your shorts lifting the hem of your play suit making sure his fingers just grazed your bare lips and ass as he rocked them in a back and forth motion stroking you into a little frenzy as he went.

"Ah F-fuck please!" He smiled pressing a kiss to your tummy moving slightly faster "Now now language" you closed your eyes rocking into him lowering yourself to press against the side of his palm.

"S-sorry daddy ahh please" he looked up watching you bite your lip trying to hold back your moans as you wept onto his hand

"I should think so, you know I don't like you swearing even when we play" he moved over switching legs one final time making sure both sides got the same treatment and finally pulled away he smirked lazily up at you then winked. You flushed already feeling like jelly, he’d barely moved away and there was already a tiny damp patch forming on the crotch of your outfit.

"There we go all ready, now you wait here and let that soak in a bit while I get the lawnmower." You sulked as he got up leaving you with a sweet kiss on your cheek and turned making his way down the garden and tussling with kal on the way pushing at the playful Akita who was still running rings around the garden but was now aiming for Henry with each lap. You shook your head at them and leaned on the wall of the house watching him wrestle with the full shed.

After a full five minuets of swearing and grunting he emerged with the flymo and reel extension lead then disappeared only to reappear with your two garden loungers and matching small table. He motioned for you to come help get the folded chairs.

"Baby! Come put these down there would you?" You smiled running down the garden to him and collected them taking the plug from the extension lead to, you moved quickly placing the folded chairs against the wall. Then moved to plug in the extension lead into the exterior wall outlet.

"Its ready!" You called out to him

"Thank you love now go inside and get the air pump then make a start on cutting back the bay tree" you nodded and turned heading into the house hearing him start the mower. You quickly picked up Kals outside water bowl it needed a good clean. It took you a good fifteen minuets to find the airpump but as always it was in the last place you looked, the cupboard downstairs in the gym. You swear you could kill the man he can't just leave things be!. You placed it on the counter then moved to clean Kals bowl and filled it with fresh water adding a few ice cubes from the fridge to keep it cooler for longer.

Whilst there you also made you and Henry some squash you moved out to the back garden and almost dropped to the floor as your knees went weak. He was really pushing it today! He'd shed his t-shirt walking lengths back and forth still cutting the grass, you licked your lips rubbing your thighs clenching tight together as your pussy wept onto your poor cotton shorts making the already damp patch worse , you could see from here the sheen of sweat from the heat of the mid morning sun already on his broad back you took a second to admire him, the way his muscles rippled across his back and ribs as he moved quickly. He turned once her reached the end and smiled up at you chuckling shaking his head as he made his way towards you, you must have looked a sight, standing there quivering just holding yourself together. You snapped out of it and put Kals bowl down in the shade by the barbecue.

"Hey babe you okay there you look flushed?" He finished with a laugh when you frowned at him.

"Your teasing stoooopp!" He shook his head moving forward lifting the mower lid and removed the basket full of grass, he strutted past you emptying the it in the garden waste bin.

"Oh good you found the pump! I forgot to tell you I'd moved it" you rolled your eyes and thrust his drink to him.

"Here your a sweaty betty already don't need you passing out....Then I wont get my pool up." He took the glass placing it on the wall behind him.

"That all I'm good for? Putting up your pool? I’m wounded" He leaned in wrapping a damp arm around you making you squeal and try to get away.

"OH MY GOD NOOO STOOOP!" He laughed and held you tighter to him

"What's the problem? I thought you like cuddles?" You pouted up at him making him kiss you, you moaned loudly as he moved you to stand in front of him cupping your ass squeezing the two now healed cheeks then pulling them up pressing you to his front. Wow how the fuck are those jeans hiding that? You grunted at him and pressed harder to his erection he groaned bucking up into you trying to gain more friction. You both moved kissing one another deeper and more desperately tangling tongues in a fevered display then pulled back slowly needing to breath each of you taking huge gasping breaths. You moved up smoothing some of his curls from his face...He really wanted a haircut but the barbers were all still shut and you was not going to touch his glorious curls anytime soon...You like having more to pull.

"Your hot-"

"Thank you baby girl" you rolled your eyes at his cheesyness then looked to the lawn you pulled back patting his chest.

"To hot ...You go do the baytree in the shade and I will finish the grass...Afterall I have to earn my pizza" you giggled he smirked still reaching for you grasping your hips.

"Or you could earn your pizza right here~" you snorted when he moved in rubbing his erection on your ass. You batted him away giggling.

"Later daddy I want my pool" you whined he laughed in disbelief as you wriggled away from him picking up the discarded lawnmower  insert only to squeak as his palm connected with the underside of your ass leaving a light pink print.

"Heeeyy! I was being good!" You whined he just shrugged at you

"Daddy loves his baby's ass...And that play suit rides up perfectly, its to tempting I couldn't resist" You pouted rubbing the warm spot then plopped the basket back into the mower and flipped it on. There was only three maybe four lengths to do and it would be done. You quickly set about getting to work as Henry began giving the bay tree a good cut back, it didn't take either of you long to be done with your tasks and soon enough Henry was attaching the hose to the outside tap getting ready to hose down the patio.

"Babe go inside and get ready, there's a new swimdress in your top drawer" you smiled at him excited quickly scampered past him with Kal hot on your heels up into the bed room quickly slipping on a cute mermaid themed hell bunny swimdress grabbing your watermelon beach towel you ran back down into the garden you squealed as he moved aiming the cold water at you catching our tummy making you swear at him.

"Shit! Henry noo that’s to bloody cold!" He frowned at you then did it again this time holding it following you as you fled from the water...He didn't like you swearing and especially when you were swearing at him that was a definite no no, you spluttered and screamed at him holding your towel as he kept the water on you for a few seconds. Then moved it away washing the last of the water on the patio towards the drain. He sighed giving you a stern glance before  speaking

"Now that’s not very ladylike poppet, you know I don't appreciate that language and you know by now I prefer my other name around the house baby" had you not been so irritated you would have picked up on the steely undertone of his words and the threatening stance he took widening his legs and standing straighter, his jaw locked and eyebrow arched. His whole demeanor screaming 'just who do you think your talking to little girl?'... ‘

But as luck would have it you didn't notice any of these warning signs, you were to wrapped up in your paddy and instead growled at him and stomped your foot flicking back your sopping hair with a loud wet slap falling head first into one of your brat fits.

"Fuck lady like Henry! That’s freezing Jesus Christ its in the kitchen! And we are in the garden not in the house so Henry is fine! Fucking hell! you got my towel wet!! Loooooookkk!" You threw your now soaking towel on the floor at his feet with a harsh slap but faltered when you moved your gaze up to his.

You swallowed noticing your mistake to late. He stopped the hose and gave you a look,  definitely unimpressed with the tantrum you just threw,you took a step back as he moved picking up the towel.

"Henry? Im soRRYY!" quickly with out any hesitation he spun and flicked it faster the you could dodge snapping the end right at your leg making you yelp and jump back out of reach one hit was enough. He pointed at you in warning then through the towel at you

"That was your first and second warning one more and you won't be spending the afternoon in the pool instead you'll be weeding the garden with a sore ass you understand me?" You couldn't help the way his stern voice affected your already  dripping center that had wetted the gusset of your cozy, you nodded to him guilt washing over you as he continued with a furrowed brow.

"Today is supposed to be a nice relaxing day in the sun and I will be very upset if you act up and ruin it" you looked to our feet upset as he scolded you.

"If you go put that on the washing line now it will be dry by the time you've been in The pool...  That's if you change the attitude if not then we can go inside and you wont be having it out clear?" You gasped at him catching the towel with a meek look.

"Hen-daddy please!"

"Enough Are we clear little girl?" You nodded at him solemnly

"Words" you gasped flushing looking around praying the neighbor's wouldn't hear, he stood giving you an even look whining you shook your head motioning to being outside not in the safety of the house he simply watched you and made to take a step towards you. Jumping unsure of what he had planned you fumbled over your words quickly.

"Y-yes daddy.. I'm sorry daddy" he smiled at you nodding then motioned for you to walk to the rotary washing line, you did pegging up the towel pouting then turned to him.

"Enough pouting that bottom lip better be away by the time I'm down there!" You quickly sucked it up as he moved the now folded lawnmower and made his way past you towards the shed to put it away. You watched nervously as he then heaved out the folded pool jumping you smiled rushing to hep him as he wrestled it through the door to the lawn he stopped dropping it then moved to you cupping your face smiling.

"There’s my little subby~ see no need to act up and spoil the day now go get the pump I have already plugged it in. You smiled kissing him then ran the length of the garden Kal joining you sprinting past like it was a race.

It wasn't long before the small pool was up and being filled so far it was half full, Henry had used the tap in the kitchen to fill it with warm water so it wouldn't be such a shock on your skin...Kal was already paddling in it slapping at the waters surface tongue lolled out he was a happy. You moved sitting on the floor beside him bending over the edge of the pool splashing him making him spin quickly before tearing off out of the pool and around the grass skimming the top of the pool as he flew back over into it splashing you back. You giggled turning slightly to see Henry oogling your ass from one of the loungers he had traded his jeans for some swimshorts that hung..low you could see the small trail of hair that you knew grew thicker just below the waist band. The loose shorts did nothing to cover he raging boner, at the sight of it you clenched violently pussy leaking on to your swimming cozy again, you shuddered. He hadn't notice you staring you smirked dipping down lower spreading your legs as you did, you arched forward showing off your ass the skirt of the swimming costume just covering you're covered ass leaving your mound on display and bent down over the inflated pool  moan provocatively as your arms dipped into the pleasantly cool water.

Henry watched as you bent over wriggling your ass side to side,the swimming costume riding up between your cheeks slightly before being covered by the skirt, he groaned he knew what you were doing, and he would definitely oblige tho you may find your self in...Hot water so to speak. Showing an incredible amount of restraint he waited he wanted to see just how much you wanted him. You moved lower spreading your legs and arched popping up you bottom moving it again trying to  entice him, he bit his lip. Fuck it. He got up entering the house he made his way to the cupboard under the stairs and pulled out your huge round lemon covered picnic blanket with tassels, it was super soft microfiber. finally he moved to get your towel that was used for your playtime to soak up any... mess he smirked forming a plan in his head. He would have to be careful not to be seen but heard? He didn't give a fuck if the neighbor's heard you! atleast then they had something decent to listen to rather then their dodgy seventies summer playlist that has never had a song added to it since the seventies. Before exiting the house he also ran upstairs into to toy box routing through untill he found what he was looking for.

A satisfyer traveler. Due to how much he had been spending in buying his arsenal of toys, he had a gift code sent through from bondara for fifty percent off it. It was compact and had a little magnetic lid to it to keep it clean. It did look weird it was effectively a hole with a raised rim to it... A small tube like tunnel about and inch long, deep inside at the bottom was a small soft plastic cover that moved like a plunger. It was designed to suckle on your clit it also vibrates at the same time, it had raving reviews. He had already tested it on his palm and was quite impressed it was a powerful little thing after a few minutes on the ninth out of eleven settings it had left a mark on his skin from sucking on it. It was in a way almost like a pussy pump but just for your clit. Or he hoped so it would be amazing if this little device could suck your little bud swollen, until one single swipe of his finger could send you into a mind shattering orgasm.

He made his way out of the house and back to the pool, you were still bent over laying your head on your crossed arms pouting. You must have noticed him go in, you hadn't noticed him come back out tho. He crept up beside you making you jump as he spoke in a deliberately deep voice knowing what it does to you.

"Babygirl would you stop bending over so much...Your cosy is going up and I don't want the neighbor's to see your cute little tush" he crouched down beside you sliding a finger below the fabric of the swimming costume at your ass and pulled it down with a sharp tug then followed the hem and ran it down between your legs to your front doing the same.

You gasped bucking forward in to the inflated pool as his hot finger traced from your ass to your cunt pulling the fabric, his knuckle skimmed your wet entrance making you jolt even more, now kneeling upright looking back at him blushing. "But how will they daddy? it has a skirt see?" He scoffed and wriggled up to kneel behind you his fingers moving higher probing for your clit then rubbed slow circles around it. You shivered throwing your head back against his collarbone gyrating your hips slowly against him gasping softly. He moved forward resting his chin on your shoulder checking the waterline...still another half hour or so to fill it...Then again it was quite big it had to fit you him, Kal and a few cans of beer inside...

"Oh sweetness? Whats this? You didn't have an accident did you?" You moaned cringing slightly at the thought and shook your head.

"N-no Daddy I didn't honest" he tutted moving his other hand slowly down the join his first this one rubbing from out side of your swimsuit running a single pad around your quivering hole. You arched but was stopped by the pool on your stomach pinning you to his frame, you had nowhere to move or turn to...

"Oh? Then whats all this hmm? Your all wet baby...whats going on Munchkin?" You whined as he pressed harder against you making you feel his erection, his bare skin touching yours through the cut out back of your one piece.

You flushed as he kept rubbing his fingers across you in a teasing motion, is words made you tremble, he knew what he was doing."I-i it wasn't an accident! Its your fault!" He pursed his lips.

"My fault? How is it? OH is this?! Now I understand sweet pea are you all messy for daddy? Poor thing." He pulled away from you, you whined nodding at him. he shook his head tutting then moved away from you completely reaching for the towel and toy. He moved to the opposite side of the pool laying the towel down spreading it out letting some of it fold up the side of it. You tilted you head at him you hadn't noticed he'd got that out and you shivered knowing what it meant, he fussed with it for a few more seconds picking of tiny grass off cuts that had got on it then patted it for you.

"Come on pumpkin!" you blinked at him, the garden really? you moved looking over to the row of houses on the other side of the garden then shook your head at him.

"Come on princess, I promise no one will see trust me"

Slowly you hesitantly crawled the few feet sighing as your knees met the soft towel, it was a thick super soft microfiber bought specifically for this purpose Henry had taken great care in finding something that was absorbent and soft as not to chaff your skin and he made sure to was it with care with plenty of softener so is was always comfortable. it felt like heaven on your knees rather then the prickly grass that really needed a good water. Henry was quick to place you where he wanted leaning your back to rest on the cool plastic pool then moved spreading your legs as far as he could his hands engulfing your thighs. then curling his fingers around them he dragged you down letting just your shoulder blades on the pool, by doing this he had pulled you completely out of view of the windows of the neighbors finally he cupped the crook of your knees and pressed them back to you holding you wide open for him.

"Here poppet hold your legs...Good girl just like that now don't you let them go~" you flushed holding your legs for him feeling your lips spread open for him in this position.

He leaned back growling just having you hold yourself open and waiting for him, being soo good for him made him ready to just fuck you into oblivion. but he wanted to try a few things, experiment with you a little more. you took a deep breath as he finally moved forward one hand slowly lightly running across your center you arched in to him getting a light pinch on your mound."Ah ah stay still little one, just like that such a good girl keeping your legs still hmm? so good for daddy" you nodded unsure if it was a question of not. your blood was pumping full of fear and arousal knowing that you were outside was just..wow the thought of someone over hearing you or seeing you made it more intense.

He continued his slow stokes across you over your swimming costume, the barrier creating a new friction on the sensitive bud. you panted as he changed pace moving your clit from side to side in quick flicking motions.

"Agh! D-Daddy! PLeaseplease!" he chuckled moving his other hand to your contracting hole pressing against it almost entering then began a fast come hither motion watching as you choked back a moaned gasping tensing trying to hold position but grind down at the same time pulling your legs higher trying to encourage him to enter you further. he smiled watching as you desperately tried to hold still but just couldn't manage it wriggling around trying to have more of him. he moved laying down pressing his wide shoulders into your thighs the added pressure helping to hold them open you watched in what felt slow motion as he moved in pressing a sweet kiss on your covered mound then he nuzzled into you pressing his nose  to you breathing in your scent making you flush and kick out a little

"N-no dont! thats embarassing! DAADDY!" you cried throwing your head around looking to make sure no one could see, one hand slipping from your knee letting it slip down, he was fast quickly bringing hi hand up catching it then pressed it back holding it higher then before. he smirked up at you moving to take a deeper breath then growled out you twitched as the hot breath vibrated on to you.

"god baby you really do want daddy huh?" before you could reply be sunk his face down into you prodding with his tongue moving it against you to find your clit then bit lightly running his teeth against you making you try to grind down on him again.

"Ah! D-Daddy?! What are youOH! FUCK FUCK NOOO!" you swore throwing your head back violently as he moved one hand pulling your cozzy to the side and sucked harshly on your clit then began a torturous assault on it harsh sucks and bites rolling the swollen bud between his sharp teeth making to tense and shiver curling up against him trying to free your leg and released the other trying to find some leverage to escape his onslaught. You regretted it when he simply caught it and held it up along side the other. Somehow without pulling away from his delicious feast he had caught your ankles crossing them then pinned them with one hand stretching you out.

You sobbed as his harsh mouth attacked your clit then soothed it with hard licks with the flat of his tongue. he grunted up into you  using his free hand to halt your light rocking holding your hip then moved down his agile tongue slipping in heavy circles around your opening making you cry out again slipping down the towel.

"N-nononono! please I-I can't! don't don't make me! please don't make me D-Daddy! FUCKFUUUCK! noo I-We we're in the garden! ou-outside!" he pulled away smiling at you then quickly impaled you on two fingers making you let out a silent scream as you digits swirled pressing around your hot walls making you tremble.

"Come on sweet heart~ You can do it! I know you can, that’s it do it for Daddy" you whined arching high trying to break his hold of your ankles but her just shook his head keeping his embedded fingers moving with you then sat up putting his weight on the arm pinning your ankles cease your movements. you grunted in annoyance when he did this overpowering you so effortlessly.

He leaned down between your legs and kissed your lips as he began pumping his hand, letting you feel his strength each harsh pump of his hand jolting you against the pool within a few strokes the pool water was sloshing loudly in time with him. You closed your eyes everything was heightened, you could taste yourself on his lips as he moved them in sync with yours prying your mouth open with a deep moan as he forced you to taste yourself on his tongue as he devoured you deeply, you harsh shunts of your body and the feel of the water in the pool rippling and pressing, bouncing you back towards the think fingers.

You whined into the kiss as his fingers sped up curling up to your special spot that you knew by now was how he forced you to squirt around him. you shook your head pulling back from him tears in your eyes trying to pull away from his fingers but he was a man on a mission. you whined gripping the towel below you you knew he wasn't going to relent not until you'd fallen apart around his fingers, you whimpered in slight pain as your abdomen began clenching painfully tight you nerves felt hot burning your blood ran heated roaring through your veins your moans and pants drowned out by your impossibly fast pulse echoing in your ears you panted red and sweaty feeling fevered as you quivered bones trembling as he continued his mastery of your body, playing you like a skilled musician. He grunted slipping a knee below himself giving him more purchase.

"N-NOO! pleaseple-I CAN'T yesyesAGH FUCK DADDY WHY?!" he smirked as your protest became a broken weak sob you was very close indeed.good. he began twisting his hand with each pass of his fingers massaging you just right

"THATS IT! good girl look at me...Good girl just look at daddy~ I've got you now I want you to cum, cum right now babygirl thats it I can feel it sweet pea so close aren't you?" you grunted curling gasping faster unable to catch your breath as his fingers seemed to brush every spot you had you yelped as he twitched his fingers slightly forcing you to release you gasped holding eye contact seeing his wide grin as you flooded over his fingers in a loud and lewd squirt you shivered in the aftermath as he slowed down finally praising you.

"See such a good girl and look no one saw you just like I promised" you whined nodding to him bucking and mewling as you shock with violent aftershocks as you seemed to release thick streams of cum across his hand you cried what felt like floods of tears as your body reacted to his ministrations slowly you began coming back down to earth. you opened your eyes just in time to see him lapping and suckling at his fingers you moaned between heavy pants as he set your legs down either side of him on the towel.

You laid there panting unable to move feeling like jelly nerves shot and skin prickling form the aftermath. That was intense. So intense. And you didn't know why it must have something to do with being outside, the idea of being caught being naughty. Henry moved a warm hand to your tummy rubbing it lightly massaging away the ache from tensing so much.

"D-Daddy? I can't move, I'm tired I want a nap.." he chuckled at you as you closed your eyes your breathing was coming back down now then reached over bringing the toy over. He patted your leg then shuffled you back up the side of the pool making you groan.

"Well baby we aren't done yet just two more okay? then daddy will clean you up... Can you do that for daddy? and we can go get the pizza order done for tonight and you can have a nap on your blanket out here?" you peeked and eye open at him whining.

"Noooo I'm to tired! not now daddy please!" he scoffed at you moving your feet flat you the floor as always keeping your knees spread, he tutted quickly swiping your skirt out of the way rolling it up to your tummy. you whimpered batting at his hands weakly

"Ah ah no come on like i said two more then we will stop! that’s it up you go...There she is my good baby!" you sighed knowing you wasn't getting away anytime soon. You eyed him cautiously as he brought what looked like a little black box you tilted your head.

"Whats that?" he smiled at you and waved it around.

"This is a new type of toy..Something we have never tried and daddy is very excited to try with you" you blinked as he opened it and saw a tiny hole with a rim...What the fuck?, noticing your apprehension he took your hand and pressed it onto the back of it then turned it on then straight up to number four so you could feel exactly what it did. He could see the moment when the penny dropped and you realized what it did. you shook your head trying to scrabble back from him only managing to bump into the pool that was now only around fifteen minuets from being full he had to be quick if he wanted to try the other thing.

"N-ooo no way I Cant that's- I'm to sensitive, I wont last please!" he just moved closer wedging his form between your legs so you couldn't close them. you froze when he moved the pulsating toy to your revealed sex. you cringed as he wasted no time in prying you apart concentrating on your pussy as he placed the sucking hole over your engorged clit. you bucked into him as the toy pulled at your little bud and your walls began fluttering.

"HAH HAH HOOHHH GOD PLEASE THATS ITS NOnononononoooo" you cried unable to stop yourself from thrusting forward onto it he smiled watching closely was you lost your fight grinding harshly into the hand holding it still, he followed your movements with the toy then flicked it up a few levels that added vibrations to the harsh sucking he could feel it humming in his hand with the strength of it. you arched bucking wildly cutting off your own moans with loud gruntal sobs.

The toy was something else and entirely new beast! sucking on you with harsh fast tugs almost like it was trying to wank your over sensitive clit like a cock and the vibrating ring attached to the base of it was powerful and inescapable unlike other toys he had used you could wriggle and accidentally move it, slide it away from that special spot this one completely encompassed you abused clit. with one final click of a button you screeched cumming hard walls clenching and throbbing bucking and grinding uncontrollably  in the air as your body screamed in protest to the almost pailful climax. you cried fat tears as he was to slow to pull it away making you sting slightly.

"D-DaaDDYY no tak-take it off OFF NOW IT-fuck thank-thank you oh god that was" you covered your face whining as he moved fast then took a peek. he gasped looking down seeing your clit larger then ever before and a dark red swollen, you withered as the cool air hit the now over sensitive bud gyrating your hips. he moved closer pulling your lips apart to get a better look."Baby I'm sorry that looks sore...Is it?" you nodded then shook your head you didn't know it was just buzzing twitching and fuck you'd never felt that before."okay sweetness...I'm finished teasing now Daddy will fuck you then wash you off okay?" you nodded even after everything he had done you still wanted his cock, you craved it and doubted you'd ever refuse.

he moved quickly back and dragged you down by your ankles laying you down flat on your back, you cringed as you laid in the wet patch you'd made. he laid down on top of you quickly slipping his cock out of his swim shorts with a quick well practiced motion he moved pressing into you mindful of your obviously tender clit. you gasp as he stretched your aching muscles, the way he teased your walls apart was a relief pulling the tight overworked muscles taught. you sighed once he had almost fully seated himself he was avoiding your clit for the time being having something else planned he wanted you to feel better. You cried out as he rocked into you grunting and moaning, h felt cool against your burning insides his veins and ridges catching on your pussy making it flutter around him yo grunted trying to bounce down onto him

"FUck! babyBABY! NONOno still AGH FUCK ME! sweety NO! thats it stop stop baby good girl let daddy do it....UGGHH YESS!" he hissed as he held you still fucking into you spearing your hot cunt you held onto his back feeling the strong muscles move helping him to pump into you in long  powerful strokes making you grunt and bounce off his thighs he moved kissing you groaning into your mouth twisting his head then moved letting his body lay on yours stretching out his hands pulling your hands down and interlocking his fingers with yours as he moved in slow undulating thrusts making love to you instead of a fevered fucking. you melted below him feeling the heated skin of his chest through the swimdress you now think you understood why it was a swimdress and not a normal one piece, the skirt hid your coupling from the view of any nosey neighbors.

You panted pulling back from him, he rested his head against yours grunting louder and fucked into you faster he was close. you ground yourself on him.

"Pl-please daddy please cum, I want it! please please I'll be good I promise cum inside me please~" your words must have helped as he grunted then growled moving faster still hips stuttering, he moved tugging the short skirt up and peeked down seeing your swollen clit didn't look as sore now and quickly placed his hand there your reaction was immediate as he brushed the small bundle of nerves with each thrust you gasped bucking harshly again unable to stop yourself from chasing that high once again you panted harshly with Henry then with a skilled flick of his wrist you grunted arching up to him squeezing him tight releasing around him this time your cunt satisfied with the cock embedded deep inside of you. he leaned down closing his mouth over yours as his cock swelled releasing into your depth with a loud growl giving a few last quick thrusts then stilling emptying his balls inside of you. you giggled when he pulled back tucking himself away and rolling over one hand flipping your skirt back down then creeping below it snapping your cozzy back to cover you again.

you both laid looking up at the sky watching the clouds sighing relaxing.

"That was incredible!" you moved your head to him as he laughed reaching out a hand to scratch at your scalp you hummed at him half asleep. he rolled over you and kissed you on your cheeks then slowly got up picking you up you were limp in his arms and rolled your head to his neck.

"Come on babe, I'll hose you down and we can order pizza then you can have a nap" you hummed nodding not really paying attention. your eyes snapped open as you herd him step in the pool.

"HUH? W-What?" he shushed you and lowered you into the warm water he as you in the corner and kneeled before you carefully. you whined as he pressed your legs open once more below the water and moved his hand around your swollen fucked pussy. you jolted as he rubbed lightly then pulled the hose that was still running water and directed the flow to your pussy. you whined trying to twist away.

"Ah ah come on let me clean you up" you whined as the pressure of the water soothed your tender clit feeling cool on your heated skin. It wasn't long before your held dropped back on the sun warmed plastic. You gasped whimpering softly as he moved the stream of water across you up from your clit to your twitching hole, you bucked and rocked slowly he maneuvered your cozzy pinching the gusset and pulled it higher letting it slip into your folds trapping your clit and swirled the hose around it the twisted the nozzle making the water come through slightly more powerful. you jolted but he held you still pressing the hard plastic to your bulging mound tilting it down making the water run across your hole pussy building you up one last time then he would stop.

"Noo...DaDDYY! I cant ...not in the pool?!" he smiled tilting his head and kissing you then crowded you hiding your quivering form with his huge frame he rested his face at your ear as you withered against him.

"Its okay baby, don't forget i got the filter pump to put in and all the chlorine to go in...its fine baby just relax let go then you can have your nap~" he couldn't help it he was selfish he wanted to spoil you, to make you fall apart again and again he hadn't made you cum in over a week he was making up for lost time. you grunted arching into him trying to forget the fact you was in the pool in the garden. Which was hard to do when your movements were splashing the water around you. You cried out as he moved the hose lower pointing the powerful stream up hitting the underneath of your still swollen clit your eyes opened and you gasped loud curling forward tensing pressing your head into Henry's chest and came with a cry. Henry shuddered feeling you release into the water a warm stream passing over his leg you wriggled at him moaning twitching completely fucked out relaxing in the water he watched satisfied as you started floating.

Once he was sure you was back down to earth again he stood scooping you up with one arm holding the hose in the other hand he quickly lifted the hose tossing it on the grass making Kal yelp and run as it pointed at the dog who has been minding his own business on the grass lounging in the sun.

"Fuck..Sorry Kal..You okay buddy?" the Akita snorted at him and curled up facing away from you both. you huffed a laugh

"He's not happy with you" he scoffed shaking his head making his way down the garden with you cradled in his arms.

"Well I did just soak the poor bugger" you blinked weakly

"Makes two of us!" he through his head back laughing finally making it to the lounger that were both now in full sun, he kicked it back to lay down and placed you onto it with a sweet kiss.

"You get some sleep nugget and i will order the pizza barbecue chicken right?" you nodded sleepily hearing him move entering the kitchen

"AND MOZZORELLA STICKS...AND ONION RINGS!" he called out an 'yes I know' and you curled onto your side hearing Kal pad up to your side and lay down with a loud sigh sprawling out in the shade you made on the floor you moved a hand down and began twiddling his fur in your fingers falling asleep in the warm sun.

That was how Henry found you both ten minuet's later snoring softly Kal shifted giving him a judgmental stare.

"What?....Okay I get it I'm sorry....But look at her can you blame me? a sexy woman like that you know....Well no you don't know your still a virgin soo...Yeah sorry about that boy." Kal groaned and move lying on his side Henry sighed waving off the grumpy boy and laid back on the other lounger with a book deciding to read whilst you had your well deserved nap.

[newtedison]

my thoughts on the crank palace

i touched about this a bit on twitter (@newtedison_) but i figured i would Try and touch on my points more here (spoilers obv) again, its sort of lengthy

1. im gonna start with talking about the ending because i need to get it out of the way. either i havent read the books in a while and i forgot some canon (which could very well be true, i literally forgot that Bliss was a thing) or this ending makes no sense and is (somehow) setting up for a tdc sequel? so first off, newt was shot in the Head with a Bullet and somehow didnt immediately die? i know that that can happen in real life but it just seems so unlikely that not only would he not die, but he would survive long enough for someone from WCKD to transport him back to their labs and try to revive him. and who the fuck was he talking to? did thomas get newt’s journal at some point and i just dont remember? like i said, either im forgetting stuff or this ending doesnt make sense and is setting up a sequel which...i’ll get to later

2. why was this written? like, what was the point? i understand that this wasnt going to be all sunshine and rainbows but i feel like i was reading torture porn. like, literally all that happens is newt gets tortured (which is described in detail) by WCKD soldiers, has bouts of insane-fueled rage where he KILLS MULTIPLE PEOPLE, and then he dies. ??? what did this contribute to the canon? what was this trying to accomplish? truthfully, i never really wanted a newt-POV...well, anything except for maybe those little nuggets he wrote some time ago. but even if i HAD wanted a newt-POV novella, this is not what i would have wanted. he KNOWS that newt is almost universally the most loved character in this franchise. you can tell because he constantly uses him as a way to get fans in his good graces again. so why on earth would he take that character that so many people love and write a novella where its torture porn and a descent into madness before death? i am not interested in that At All. i’ve read fics (and even written a drabble) where newt is a Crank, and those were more respectful and easier to read than tcp. the parts where newt is having bouts of the Flare were literally exhausting to read; it was described in such vivid and torturous detail that it made me sick reading it. and it didnt help that newt is a character i care a lot about. i didn’t need to know what becoming a Crank felt like. the way it was described in the other books (and even the movies) told me everything i needed to know. the way thomas and everyone found newt at the crank palace in tdc and hes described as obviously not well, but not knowing what exactly happened to him...thats good enough on its own. the mystery of what exactly newt had to endure is part of what gives his journey more emotional depth. not everything needs to be written out and explained. not every gap needs to be filled in. 

3. me saying “the characterization felt off” is going to make some people roll their eyes because ‘duh, sami, the characterization will be off because he’s going insane’ to which i say...exactly. we weren’t really reading a newt-POV novella, were we? even if he isn’t past the Gone in the beginning, hes clearly not the same person we knew him as. the whole novella felt like an uncanny valley situation; i knew i was supposed to be reading about newt, but it felt like i was reading about someone else who looked like him. and that is part of what made this such a disconnect and made me lose interest at parts. not only that, but the world building and lore is inconsistent. newt makes a comment about how it used to rain in the glade, and apparently (as ive been told) that is simply not true. keisha having somehow working cell phone that magically connects her to her family also doesnt make sense. how would they have each others’ numbers? what are the odds that they BOTH found working cell phones in an apocalypse? i get that its a novella but you cant just throw something that crazy in there as a plot convenience. actually work on your plot and world building in a cohesive way, please. and another thing that doesnt make sense...

4. ...is newt finding out that sonya is his sister. if there was anything i would have wanted from a newt-pov novella, it would have been this. him finding out that not only is sonya his sister, but he already knows her post-WCKD. something that would have made this novella actually captivating, contributing something worthwhile to the canon that i would actually want to read, is if newt found out while in the crank palace that sonya was his sister; the Flare would remove that part of the Slice in his brain, and he would realize it was her. then, knowing that he couldnt go past the Gone before seeing her, he would try to find a way to get back to her. he could learn this after thomas and everyone originally see him, so it could match up with the canon. and then, by the time 250 comes along, hes lost all hope of that actually happening, and lashes out to thomas in a fit of rage. the journey of him trying to find his ACTUAL sister would have meant more to me than the story of keisha and dante. trust me, i love a found family trope as much as the next girl. but this series is FULL of the found family trope. it pretty much is the backbone of the franchise. so to see a blood family dynamic would have been a refreshing change of pace that i actually would have been interested in reading. also, the way that newt DOES find out about sonya is...underwhelming. he just randomly says “you remind me of my sister, sonya” to keisha in the WCKD truck. first of all, sonya is not the name you would actually know her by. you would know her by her birth name (which is lizzy? elizabeth?). second, why does he act like he didnt already meet her in the series? when the WCKD doctor tells him sonya is his sister and is alive, hes so surprised. wouldn’t he have known that already? why is there not more emphasis on the fact he already met her? that would have been a really interesting dynamic to explore, and im sad they didnt

5. the pacing and dialogue of tcp is so dragged out. i remember specifically there was a section where newt goes to talk to keisha after she starts abandoning dante, and i swear to god there was a page and a half of text before anything ACTUALLY happened or anyone ACTUALLY said anything. dashner described a launcher at one point as “the energy dependent electric firing projectile device.” that’s SIX words to describe a stun gun. a fucking stun gun! we know what it is! why did you have to use six words??? it just felt like everything was dragged and stretched to the longest it could possibly be and it added to the exhaustion i felt while reading it

6. okay i cant end it without talking about newtmas. its very obvious by now that newtmas is a VERY large part of this fanbase. its clearly the most popular ship and what keeps a lot of people interested in this series. even the marketing team for the MOVIES used newtmas as a advertising tactic (i.e.; using thomas and newt standing face to face as a thumbnail for the trailer, emphasizing newtmas based questions in interviews, even making a fucking facebook memories video for them. yes that last one is real). not only does dashner use newt as a way to lure fans in; he also uses newtmas. the parts that were sprinkled into this were so obvious that it didnt feel authentic. i cant speak for the original trilogy; i dont know the culture around ships back then, and i dont know how much it influenced his writing at the time. but the scenes in those books felt more genuine than tcp. by genuine i mean; he wrote scenes without a relationship in mind, but the chemistry had noticeable subtext that, while unintentional, was largely agreed upon by the larger audience. the parts of newtmas he added into tcp felt artificial and forced, likely as a way for people to take snippets of and use as a free marketing tool for him. one example you might have already seen; “he had already gotten used to his post-thomas, post-WCKD life.” the fact that dashner SPECIFICALLY used the phrase “post-thomas” rather than “post-his friends” or something similar shows that he is using newtmas as a hook on purpose. not only that, but to make newt’s last thoughts as he died “tommy. tommy will understand...” is...wow. first of all, i never wanted to know what newt’s dying thoughts were, but thanks, i guess? and second, when we all initially thought newt died underneath thomas with a gun to his head, i was pretty much inferred that newts last thoughts would probably be about thomas; they would sort of have to be, given the circumstances. so adding that in gives me the same feeling that “i’m coming for you, newt” at the end of the fever code gave me. not as offensive, but written very much on purpose. and the ending is implying that there will somehow be a sequel where thomas gets newt’s journal from...someone. at this point, i can only think that this sequel will retroactively make newtmas canon somehow. now that newt has been confirmed as gay, it could happen. which brings me to my last point...

7. hearing dashner confirm newt is gay was already mind-boggling before. now that i’ve read the crank palace...im angry. im very angry. i think its safe to say that newt is the character that suffers the most in this series. you can argue with me but hes definitely high on the list, if not #1. so; you take this character. you give him a horribly sad arc in the original trilogy, then decide to expand upon it and tell us, your largely QUEER fanbase, exactly how painful and torturous his last days were, in detail. and then you tell us he’s gay. something that is never mentioned in the canon, only in an offhanded reply to a tweet of someone calling you out. on a base level, i can understand why people would be happy. representation (i guess), seeing themselves in the character, having their headcanons be confirmed. great. but what i see is you telling your largely queer fanbase “hey, you see the only confirmed gay character? im going to literally write torture porn about him before killing him off and offer it to you like im providing a service to your community.” how fucked up is that? “hey, kids, if youre gay, you WILL be violently tortured and become violent and a danger to the ones you love. then you will die and your love will never be reciprocated.” what a message! and if he DOES end up retroactively making newtmas “canon” in some weird sequel...i will start foaming at the mouth. THIS is an example of how not all queer representation is good or genuine.

i’ve definitely forgotten some points but this is long enough already. let me know if you agree or if theres anything else you want to add! im interested in what you guys think

(8. I JUST REMEMBERED!!! if WCKD needed to study newt so bad bc sonya is his sister and is immune while he isnt, why did they let him run around the crank palace in the first place??? you cant test his vitals or anything you’re literally just watching him. what is the point????)

[caswlw]

thinking about the sobbing on the floor moment and what had to have come after.. where we don’t know how long he was sitting there and how long he straight up ignored sam’s calls and how long it took for him to Move after attempting to digest That moment

where he doesn’t realize until he’s walking past a mirror on his way out that there’s a handprint on his shoulder and it all comes crashing back and he has to Take a second to breathe bc it hurts so bad and he knows that sam and jack dont know so he has to get to them but he also can’t seem to start the car without thinking of cas not being right beside him

where the music starts playing a song from The mixtape and he has to turn it off entirely bc thinking about Him for one more second will absolutely shatter him and he can’t Remember the last time he sobbed on the floor like that- phone now scratched up a little more from tossing it and he just steels himself in the car because he Knows what they’re up against and can’t break when god is on the horizon so when he finally meets up with sam and jack he just gives them the bones of what happened bc the speech is still running through his head but the minute it slips out of his own mouth he’s done for

so he drinks and he doesn’t sleep in his own room but instead on the floor of the main room bc walking past another mirror is just punishing himself and he likes the burn of alcohol better and he keeps his mouth shut until that call comes and it’s hope all over again and the stairs are tall but he goes three at a time bc what if what if- and then it’s Not him it’s all a Trick and he has to compose himself again bc now there’s another issue but god if he wasn’t thinking of him enough it’s certainly more Now but he can’t say Anything and when jack takes over he’s stumbling and making jokes but then jack- oh jack so like him and yet so different- says he’s Leaving Leaving and it crashes all back again and he misses it he misses the chance to just Ask and so they go back to the bunker with two less than before

and now comes the silence that isn’t loaded with him sitting on that chair in the corner of his room or knowing that even if they’re mad at each other he’s still Out there- it’s just silent and Dead and sam doesn’t ask at first but he watches as they run dry of alcohol and the fact that they haven’t had a conversation together in days but that dog they took home gets hugs and love bc if dean didn’t need stability before.. but things start looking up after a week of holding miracle close and filling up his voicemail inbox with midnight sobs and instead turns to what could make life better bc he would want that- he would want him to Live and try to be happy, right?

and he thinks. cas didn’t know cas didn’t know god i should’ve said something in purgatory god cas didn’t know and i should’ve said something he didn’t Know and it runs through this head screaming alongside the last words cas ever spoke to him and it’s Loud the same way that it was a few years ago- but a few years ago he had the body he had someone to blame but knowing it was himself and the fact that cas’s love for Him was what did him in is the worst where he can’t possibly go on knowing that he caused it he should’ve said something Years ago he should’ve said it and not whatever bullshit came out instead- but he needed to ask him to stay that one final time where that was their Problem right? they needed that one line and it just didn’t mean anything once the empty came to collect

so he gathers himself and tries not to think about the beer on the nightstand or the fact that sam is tiptoeing around the fact that the storage room is covered in broken glass from throwing things at the wall, but the blood from the door was carefully scrubbed. and he looks up jobs- because something has to mean Something in this new shit life and he prints something out that’ll work that might just pause the Ache a little more

and he ignores sam texting eileen and their little calls because he knows that his last call to him was the forever unanswered prayer of stay please i’m yours to an empty room and a sleeping dog but that Hunt that hunt and that pie it’ll drown out the feelings right? and then sam brings it all up again bc why wouldn’t he? he’s worried and dean can tell so he plays it off and jokes and he can’t tell if it’s working or not but it seems to and they work through the case- somehow bringing back dads journal making dean think to before cas and how his life was so simple and different then and he tries to reach something like that again- especially after seeing that girl again from the Before but when It happens.

he pushes back on the monster and tries to breathe but it gets cut short by the pain in his chest and he wonders did i let this happen. i saw it i knew it was there did i Let this happen. but sam can’t know that sam has to be reassured sam has to Live On sam can’t bring him back because he knows it’ll be Wrong anyway and what’s life worth living without him. so he doesn’t let sam call anyone and stalls he drags out that stupid speech until the life drains out and suddenly it’s bright again

bobby mentions him and he can’t Say anything this is supposed to be his heaven but it still feels so Wrong and cas is here but he’s not and what’s real anymore? and that question just reminds him of cas More and he takes a drive far far away from the mess that’s his parents house just a while over and he can’t help but think of the last time he hallucinated cas.. and the Pain from knowing he left him there and now the pain from knowing he caused his death

silent tears rolling down his cheeks as he hears the noise of cas popping in and that hello dean that he has to be Imagining because there’s no way it’s real until he looks in the backseat and maybe. maybe he sobs again and maybe he hears cas tell him to stop the car before they crash but it’s seeing his face again and reaching out to hold it- hold it like he’s been trying to for Years and smiling for the first time in weeks to finally have the chance to Speak and say his piece

[miiilowo]

I. Im very curious about the pink haired enderman oc 👉👈 where are they from?? What do they doo?? This is a ramble as much as you want to ask :D

RUBBING MY LITTLE GREMLIN HANDS TOGETHER (also sorry about the late answer, my internet went out as i was writing this)

he’s for an smp im on! :D we decided that we wanted to do rp stuff for fun (hasnt really happened but some characters exist) and i decided to make an enderman character because i just. love them so much

the idea is that one of the smp members went to the end and made an enderman grinder. for whatever reason (havent figured out what the reason is yet) she decided that my funky little guy was special and decided to keep him. kind of like adopting them.

Afterward she made him king of the end because shes a human who thinks she has power over just about everything. for that reason i spent like 3 days building a castle on the server.  He does not take his role as a king seriously whatsoever, and never goes to the end. Why, you may be asking?

When you kill the ender dragon you get the achievement ‘free the end’, which doesnt Sound Like Endermen Had A Fun Time, so im just going to assume he has very bad memories associated with that place

since you mentioned it, his hair is not Actually pink, in fact, he’s bald, but he likes color a lot and so he made a wig (plus he wants to fit in with his mom and other people more) ((also my hair is just pink and he’s an adaptation of another persona i have but we can ignore that)). colors and flowers and stuff are something he enjoys because its a nice difference in comparison to the end which is mostly just . beige and black and purple sometimes 

He’s relatively good at english, and really loves writing and stories and books!!! i have a groovy lil library in my castle and a notebook/journal i track events of the smp in. im THIS CLOSE to copying the personal poems ive done into a bunch of books and selling them on the server for shits and giggles

My castle is one of the cooler builds on the server so new members stop by and stay there for a while before they head off on their own. so, i decided to turn that into him really wanting people to hang around, but they keep leaving and he gets kinda sad about that. id hate living in a big fucky castle and then peepo just stop by then exit after like 4 days. as a result he now has one crazed little clown friend who he is overly attached to despite her probably not being good for his mental health. theyre. working on that. though. i think. that character belongs to my friend loserchips, aka my best friend and the gal who drew my icon, which is also the enderboy!!!!!!

he has a big pile of gems in his throne room that he is absolutely Not willing to share because ive decided he loves shiny things. He also does have some enderman behavior that ive incorporated into how i play:

- cant go in water unless wearing full armor

- cant be in rain without a hat on at LEAST

- afraid of eye contact/doesnt look people in the eye

- climbs on shit and up the vines all over the castle. this scares people occasionally because hes already tall

- he isnt very good at teleporting and when he does he kind of zaps all over the place. due to chorus fruit i have ended up in countless ravines, creeper holes, roofs, tunnels, and houses against my will. it only worked out ONCE, where i was in a friends bakery, and she said to come upstairs. i ate a chorus fruit absentmindedly and teleported right in front of her. im counting this as him getting better at it

- i also am located in a savannah thats right next to a desert because it never rains there and he likes dry places for obvious reasons

- this was mildly inspired by endermen behavior. hes incredibly docile and friendly, but when he’s pushed a little too far he fucking snaps. the best example of this happening on the smp so far was when someone he was planning to live with forever left the castle, took some of his shit, then proceeded to fuck with him by showing him multiple double chests full of ender pearls. i then set fire to his house. (this character was also just genuinely scary and threatened him and killed him multiple times so i think that counts too. i now have his armor set)

theres a grave in my yard thats just a chest full of ender pearls people have given me because they think itd be funny. i am the main character i do not care

i put a little bit of Me into him, which means he loves to collect a bunch of items. anything he finds even a little cool he keeps. i have so many chests and theyre all so cluttered god help me

once bundles are added im absolutely going to have him carry around a sack of flowers that he gives to people

He has a really pretty royal outfit, and just casually wears it around the castle because he thinks he looks good in it

Also! he has three ‘sons’ which are just endermen i captured and put in boats. two of them i got before i had the enderman character idea. their names are ranboo and ran2. i think that is kind of funny

the third one is named hubert. hes bad at his job of guarding the villager cages

im very tempted to get him an enderman husband that sits in the bedroom or throne room. how the FUCK will i get him up there? i genuinely have no idea, but i know i wanna do it really bad

and some just. random stuff about him. ive been searching for a zombified hoglin named benjamin that i was introduced to on the first day of the server. I Know he exists. Hes in a sewer pipe behind spawn. im one of the few people who knows about his existence, and for the love of all that is holy i CANNOT FIND THE FUCKING HOGLIN and its driving me insane. if we translate this to my character, the only time hes left his castle in like a month is to find a hostile pig creature nobody knows exists and hes been rambling about it searching a swamp for days on end

also if he were living in this world and time, he’d listen to hyperpop and be put into a fucking trance by it because its just So Much on his little enderman brain. so much. i dont like hyperpop really but he Absolutely would

also!!!!!!!!!!! hes very good at knitting! very good! at knitting! the castle was super dull and gray so he decided to spice it up one day and now theres plants and flowers everywhere-alongside a giant carpet of his face. yes this actually exists. i have a rug of my skins face on the floor of one of my rooms. in this room is a bunch of wool and sewing stuff. i like to think he makes his own clothes.

something i forgot to mention is that hes somewhat wary of people, and doesnt like to kill mobs. The clown character i mentioned is a human, but she kind of died and came back to life (totems of undying you know) and as a result he likes her more because in a sense she is somewhat undead. just a cool little character bit i thought was neat :]

i feel like he wants to play an instrument but he cant because his hands are too clunky and big and long

but! anyway, thank you for letting me ramble about my beloved son!!!!!! im thinking of naming him finn, but i might just keep it as milo for simplicities sake. since thats my name. also i thought i should tell you that i had you in mind when i made the ‘if yall wanna talk to me’ post. very poggers

endermen are friend shaped and so is he i promise <3

[calumcest]

you and i were fireworks that went off too soon - chapter four

[ao3]

ok remember when i said this isnt going to be a long fic and now here we are at like 26k. never listen to me when i say anything is the moral of the story here clearly ! also i promise you i have an actual plot in mind we’re getting there i’m just very slow-burny with this but please dont think every chapter is going to be more of the same and get bored i promise you it is actually going somewhere in the next chapter

also tw: mentions of suicidal thoughts

Luke’s week is filled with research. 

He wakes up with bated breath, checking the tattoo in his bathroom mirror just to see whether it’s grown any more but still unable to breathe easy when he finds it hasn’t. The black ink bleeding across his pale skin makes his heart twist every time he sees it - it’s a beautiful reminder of the most terrible time of his life. Luke’s pretty sure he didn’t really understand the meaning of the word bittersweet until the tattoo appeared on his shoulderblade. 

Every spare moment of his day is spent reading scientific reports with words that he has to Google and make his head hurt. He scrolls through pages and pages of studies looking for any explanation of tattoo growth that isn’t it’s going to grow indefinitely unless you sort something out with Ashton, which seems to be what the London study was concluding. He looks into people who don’t have tattoos, into people whose tattoos are unfinished, into people whose soulmates have died, into people whose soulmates are violent criminals (which makes Luke feel a little melodramatic, for the first time, because there are people who actually want to be with their soulmate but find out their soulmate’s a serial killer, while Luke’s all torn up about his just because he broke Luke’s heart). He reads journal after journal detailing research into how the tattoos form, how they grow, what happens on people’s eighteenth birthdays, but nothing mentions the tattoos growing after that point. Everything seems to start and stop on people’s eighteenth birthdays.

Calum and Michael help, because of course they do. Lunchtimes and evenings are spent huddled around phones and computers, occasional mumbles of “This one says...oh, wait, no, never mind,” punctuating the silence. Luke’s not sure whether the lack of information on tattoo growth should make him feel better or worse, give him hope or discourage him, but it kind of manages to do both. 

The following Tuesday, Michael decides to suggest something they’ve all been thinking, but none of them have wanted to say, because uncertainty might be better than its potential consequences. 

“You should email the researchers,” he says. He doesn’t need to say which ones, even though they’ve looked into endless researchers over the past week. Luke sighs, and lets his eyes flutter shut. He knows. They all know. 

“I know,” he says. “I should.” He can hear the trepidation in his own voice. 

“We can write it together,” Calum says, rubbing at his eyes, because he’s been staring at screens on Luke’s behalf since the minute he woke up. 

“What do I even say?” Luke says, pressing the heels of his palms into his eyes. “‘Hi, my soulmate is my archnemesis and my tattoo grew, tell me how to stop it?’” 

“Archnemesis?” Michael says, cocking an eyebrow. 

“Well, who else would my archnemesis be?” 

“Whoever originally named Clifford?” Calum offers. 

“Hey,” Michael says, pointing at Calum accusingly. “That might be your surname one day.” Calum scoffs. 

“Calum Clifford? Are you insane?” 

“What, like Michael Hood is any better?” 

“Not my fault you have a shitty name,” Calum says, with a shrug. Michael makes a noise of outrage, like he’s gearing himself up for a point-evidence-explain destruction of Calum’s point, and Luke busies himself with opening up his email. The idea of Calum and Michael getting married is more than enough to bring that bitter taste back into his mouth, to make him have to forcibly quash down envy and sadness and anger. Calum seems to sense it, because he shoots Michael a look and turns back to Luke. 

“Have you got their email?” he asks. Luke clicks back onto the report that he hasn’t shut for over a week, scrolls to the bottom and nods. 

“What do I say?” he asks. His stomach is churning, already nervous for the response to the email of which he hasn’t even typed a single word yet. He might not even get a response, he tells himself. They’re busy people. They might not have time to read their emails. Or maybe ‘themightyhemmo1996@gmail.com’ is embarrassing enough to get sent straight to junk mail. 

“Describe the situation,” Michael says, scratching Clifford behind his ears. Clifford almost purrs, leaning into Michael’s touch. “Say you dated, and it didn’t work out, and you both know you’re soulmates but given that you’ve tried it and it didn’t work you’re not sure why your tattoo has grown.” Luke nods, typing as Michael speaks. 

“It might help if you gave the reason,” Calum says, a little tentative. Luke’s fingers hesitate over the keyboard. “I mean, like, if you specifically say Ashton fell out of love. That’s got to mean something, right, given that they’re soulmate tattoos?” Luke hesitates another moment, considering - he’s not really a big fan of sharing all this personal information, but Calum’s right, he might get a more accurate answer the more he shares - before nodding and typing. 

From: <themightyhemmo1996@gmail.com> To: <c.r.johnson@ucl.ac.uk>, <j.m.newbury@ucl.ac.uk>  Subject: Soulmate Tattoo Growth

Dear Mr Johnson and Ms Newbury,

I recently stumbled across your soulmate tattoo growth study and was hoping you could provide some insight into my own situation. My soulmate and I dated prior to the tattoos appearing, which ended due to him falling out of love with me. Both of us are aware that we are soulmates, and we have had a conversation about what this means for us and ultimately decided to remain apart. However, since this conversation, and having had a chance meeting, both of our tattoos have grown. Given that we have already dated and it did not work out, I am looking for an explanation and, if possible, a method for preventing it growing any further. 

Yours sincerely,

Luke Hemmings

He reads it out to Michael and Calum, who both nod thoughtfully. 

“Sounds good,” Calum says. Michael nods his agreement. Luke presses send before he can reconsider, and then slams his laptop shut and stands up, stretching. Clifford jumps off Michael’s lap and runs over to Luke, wagging his tail. 

“Thanks for helping me,” Luke says, bending down to pat Clifford’s head and trying his best to push the email out of his head. There’s nothing he can do about it now, he tells himself, willing the knot of anxiety in his stomach to loosen.

“Don’t worry, we didn’t do it for free,” Michael reassures him. 

“We’ll be calling in this favour at some point,” Calum adds. 

“As long as it’s not for doing the Wellson report for Chris,” Luke says, cracking his back and relishing the way it makes Michael wince. Calum winces too, but Luke thinks that’s probably more to do with the Wellson report than his back. “Fuck, I can’t be arsed to cook. Pizza?” 

“Why even bother phrasing that as a question with him in here?” Calum says in exasperation, nodding at Michael as Michael’s eyes light up. 

“Fuck you,” Michael says, but there’s no heat behind the words and he’s already pulled his phone out. “Arty’s?” Calum and Luke nod, because where else would they order from, and Luke flops back onto the sofa with a heavy sigh. 

“I’m not letting you bring a Hawaiian pizza into my house, though,” Luke warns Michael. Michael blinks innocently at him. 

“Hi, I’d like to order three pizzas,” he says, maintaining eye contact with Luke. “Two pepperoni, and one with ham and pineapple.” Luke rolls his eyes and flips him off. “Oh, is that a Hawaiian? I had no idea. Yes, just one, please.” 

“Dickhead,” Luke says, and Michael smiles at him sweetly as he flips him off in return. 

 -------

 On Friday, Luke oversleeps. 

That’s not particularly out of the ordinary, except this time, Luke really oversleeps. Like, he-should-be-at-his-desk-by-the-time-he-gets-out-of-bed kind of oversleeping. 

He swears under his breath as he fumbles with his phone, firing off a text to Calum to cover for him if Phil happens to walk into their office and ask where he is, and tries to pull his clothes on as he’s brushing his teeth. He doesn’t have time to check whether or not he’s got everything he needs, just tears out of the house and sprints all the way to the station. There’s a train to Central idling at the platform, looking like it could close its doors any minute, so Luke legs it onto the nearest carriage, swinging himself into the first empty set of seats he can find and trying to catch his breath. 

The train doors close about twenty seconds later, when Luke’s breathing is starting to even out, but Luke barely notices, already engrossed in his phone. He’s so engrossed in sending Calum a text to say he’s on his way, in fact, that he doesn’t notice someone looming over him, until he hears a “Luke?” that startles him into looking up. His face drops into a scowl almost immediately as his stomach plummets, because what the fuck. 

It’s Ashton fucking Irwin. 

Again. 

“What the fuck?” Luke says, not sure whether he’s saying it in surprise or anger. 

“Hi,” Ashton says, and he’s definitely just surprised. “You’re not usually here.” 

“I woke up late,” Luke says, even though he doesn’t owe Ashton an explanation for his movements. 

“Can I sit down?” 

“No,” Luke says, because it’s early, he’s frazzled, and he’s late for work. “The train is empty. Sit somewhere else.” 

“We should talk,” Ashton says, which seems to be, like, the only fucking sentence he’s capable of saying. 

“About?” Ashton stares at him like he’s an idiot. 

“Uh, the tattoos growing?” he says, and, yeah, okay. That’s kind of fair. Luke had hung up on Ashton mid-conversation, after all, and then sent off an email about their situation to some researchers without telling him. 

“Fine,” Luke says, indicating the seat opposite him with one hand and placing his phone on the table between them with the other. Ashton slides into the seat opposite him, raking a hand through his black hair, and Luke can’t help the way his eyes are drawn to Ashton’s biceps with the movement. He’s definitely more muscular than he’d been the last time Luke had seen him. Well, not the last time, but the last-last time. Actually, it’s the last-last-last time, now. Luke doesn’t like that.  

“I’ve been looking it up,” Ashton begins, and Luke waves him away. 

“The London study?” he says, cutting to the chase, because he really doesn’t want to talk to Ashton any longer than he has to. Ashton bites his lip, and nods. “Yeah. I emailed them.” He waits for the frown, for the you told them? Luke, I really would have liked to have been part of that decision, but it never comes. 

“Me too,” Ashton says. Luke frowns. It’s hypocritical, but that doesn’t sit well with him. It makes his skin crawl, that Ashton’s emailed them too, because he’s probably spun the story in a way that makes him sound better. 

“What did you say?” Luke says, a little sharply. Ashton shrugs, but Luke sees the edge of tension in his posture. He pushes down the discomfort that arises at the realisation that he still knows Ashton’s mannerisms, that the little twist of his mouth means he’s uncomfortable about something. 

“I told them the truth,” Ashton says. 

“The truth?” Luke says, arching an eyebrow. “Or your truth?” 

“I told them my side of the story,” Ashton says, which means he’s given them this whole I was just scared of commitment, I still loved you bullshit, with maybe a smidge of I tried to win my soulmate back over but he wasn’t having it. “Wait, what did you say?” 

“That you fell out of love with me.” Ashton stares at him for a moment, and then shakes his head. 

“Fuck,” he says, and Luke thinks that summarises it pretty aptly. “Have you heard back?” Luke shrugs. He never really checks his non-work emails - it’s usually full of junk he signed up to ten years ago and has never been bothered to unsubscribe from. 

“Haven’t looked,” he says. 

“I haven’t,” Ashton says, even though Luke hadn’t asked. 

“Good for you.” Ashton bites his lip, like he wants to say something else, but then sinks back into his seat, like he’s thought better of it. Luke’s glad - this morning has been shitty enough without having another lengthy conversation with Ashton about their feelings, or whatever. 

Ten minutes pass, and Luke unlocks his phone to do something, anything other than give Ashton any indication that he’s open to another conversation, ending up playing Tetris and shielding it from Ashton’s view so it looks like he’s possibly texting a cute guy, or something. He’s actually doing pretty well, getting close to beating his high score, when Ashton says: “What’s yours?” 

“Huh?” Luke says, momentarily distracted. He drops the piece in the wrong place, and swears under his breath. Fucking Ashton. 

“What did you get?” Ashton presses. “When it grew?” 

“Spot,” Luke says. 

“Oh,” Ashton says, in a small voice, like it’s an answer he hadn’t wanted to hear. That piques Luke’s interest, despite himself. 

“Why?” 

“I- uh.” Ashton looks out of the window at the grey buildings bathed in summer sun. “Mine’s your dog. Clifford.” 

“Right,” Luke says slowly, because he feels like he’s missing something here. 

“Do you think-” Ashton says, and then cuts himself off, biting his lip. 

“Do I think what , Ashton?” Luke says, a touch irritably. Ashton shrugs, and Luke’s about ready to throttle him. “Spit it out, Jesus Christ. I don’t have time for this.” 

“It’s just- we got them after meeting in the dog park,” Ashton says, all in a rush. “Do you think it’s going to happen every time we bump into each other?” Luke blinks at him. 

“What, you think I’m going to get a fucking train on my back now?” he says sarcastically. 

“I don’t know,” Ashton says thoughtfully, completely ignoring Luke’s sarcasm. It makes Luke’s blood boil a little bit, that Ashton’s disregarding him like that, and he clenches his teeth. Professional. Arm’s length. No emotion. “But it seems a bit coincidental, doesn’t it?” 

“No,” Luke says, through gritted teeth. “There’s only so many things about you the universe could turn into a tattoo. Spot’s one of them.” 

“What if whenever we see each other-” 

“Jesus, Ashton, it doesn’t matter ‘what if’, because we’re not going to see each other anymore, are we?” Luke snaps. “I think I’ve made myself pretty clear.” Ashton looks a little taken aback, blinking at Luke. 

“Luke,” he says slowly, patronisingly, like Luke’s a child that needs something obvious explaining to him, as the train starts to slow down. Luke’s going to dust off his old boxing skills and break Ashton’s nose. “We broke up two years ago. How many times did we see each other in those two years?” 

“None, until a month ago, which is what I fucking wa-” 

“Exactly,” Ashton says calmly, cutting Luke off. The train judders to a halt, as Luke stares at Ashton furiously, trying to work out what he’s saying. He’s so fucking full of himself, honestly - exactly, what the fuck is that supposed to mean? He’s always liked speaking in tongues, making himself feel intelligent, like he’s better than Luke- “This is your stop, isn’t it?” 

Luke grinds his teeth, but Calum can only stave Phil off for so long, so he gets up and gathers his things together, grabbing his phone and bag and getting up while counting down from ten in his head to stop himself saying something he regrets. 

“Bye,” Ashton calls, when Luke rounds the corner to the doors, like they’re fucking friends. 

“Go fuck yourself,” Luke spits back, earning himself a shocked look from the guy he shoulders past to get off the train. It’s not professional, it’s not arm’s length, and it’s definitely not devoid of emotion, but fuck, it feels good. 

 -------

 “What the fuck crawled up your arse?” Calum asks, when Luke snaps at him for the fifth time in about half an hour. Luke sighs, pressing the heels of his palms into his eyes. 

“Ashton was on my train this morning.” 

“What?” Calum’s irritability is suddenly replaced with pure shock. “Is he stalking you?” 

“Possibly,” Luke says. “God. I fucking hate him, Cal.” 

“What’d he do?” 

“He always thinks he’s better than me,” Luke says angrily. “Like, he’s always been the one that’s into philosophy, reads seven hundred newspapers every morning, does yoga and reads religious texts and all that, and he’s always looked down on me for not doing that, like that somehow makes me less intelligent than him. He talks to me like I’m a fucking kid , talks to me in riddles because he likes it when I have to ask him what he means, likes the fucking power trip-” 

“Hey,” Calum says, cutting Luke off, and Luke stops, breathing heavily. “I know.” 

“I hate him,” Luke says again, but it’s smaller this time, and he feels tears pricking at the corner of his eyes. Jesus. He’s so over crying over Ashton Irwin. 

“I know,” Calum repeats, gentle and calm. “You want to get some fresh air?” Luke doesn’t, really, because it’s about thirty-five degrees outside and it’s hot enough in the air-conditioned office, but he nods anyway. Calum scrapes his chair back and follows Luke out of the office, down the stairs to the fire exit that Chris had disabled the alarm from so that he could go out to smoke and only told Calum and Luke about, and Luke gulps down breaths of the muggy December air as soon as they’re outside. It helps to ground him, feeling the hot breeze stealing across his face, and he closes his eyes and tilts his head into the bright afternoon sun, letting spots dance across the inside of his eyelids. 

“What’d he say?” Calum asks, after a few minutes have passed and Luke’s breathing is steady and even. 

“Some fucking bullshit,” Luke mumbles. “He got Clifford, and apparently that means something, because we didn’t see each other for two years. Like, what the fuck is that, a cryptic crossword clue? Does he think I work for ASIS?” There’s a pause, and then the pause becomes too long to be comfortable, and Luke cracks open an eyelid. Calum’s staring at him, something between shock and horror etched across his features. “What?” 

“Jesus, Luke,” Calum says. “Fuck.”

“What, Cal, I’ve fucking had it with this cryptic bullshi-” 

“What if the tattoos are going to grow every time you bump into each other?” Calum says. 

“Yeah, Calum, I got that, I’m not that fucking stupid,” Luke says, exasperated. “He said that, but I pointed out that it doesn’t matter either way, because I’m not going to see him.” 

“That’s exactly his point,” Calum says. “You haven’t seen him in two years, and now you bump into him twice in the space of a couple of weeks.” And, oh. 

Oh.

Oh. 

“What the fuck?” Luke demands, because he can’t think of anything better that sums up all the thoughts racing through his mind right now. 

“I mean, think about it,” Calum says slowly, a little hesitantly, like Luke’s about to bite his head off. 

(Luke might bite his head off.) 

“I’m thinking,” Luke says, and it comes out almost a growl. 

“The tattoos, they come fr- well, we think they must come from the universe, right? So what if the universe is pulling the strings so you’re bumping into each other now?” Luke stares at him in disbelief. 

“That’s the worst theory I’ve ever heard,” he says after a moment. “If the universe was pulling any fucking strings it wouldn’t have let me and Ashton date in the first place, and it definitely wouldn’t have let Ashton break up with me in a way that nearly made me kill myself.” 

The words ring harsh in the thick December air, and Luke wants to claw them back as soon as they leave his lips. It’s an unspoken rule that they don’t talk about it, they don’t say that Luke nearly killed himself over Ashton. They can allude to it, make polite euphemisms, but they don’t say it. 

“Luke,” Calum says, and his tone is soft, and Luke doesn’t want his pity. 

“No, Cal,” Luke says, and it’s a little too harsh. “Sorry.” Calum tries to protest, but Luke cuts in first- “No, I’m sorry. I’m just- it’s not been a good day, but that doesn’t mean I get to take it out on you. I know you’re only trying to help. I just...I’m sorry. Let’s not talk about it.” He exhales, raking a hand through his hair, and Calum puts a hand on his forearm. 

“Hey,” he says, calm, reassuring. “It’s okay, Luke.” 

It’s not, Luke thinks, as he tries for a weak smile. It’s not okay, because it’s Ashton, and he doesn’t know when it’s going to be okay again. 

 -------

 A text arrives from Ashton when Luke’s packing up to leave. 

Ashton Irwin I was right. 

Luke blocks his number. 

 -------

 Luke changes his routine, after that. 

Blocking Ashton’s number made him feel kind of worse, kind of jumpier and leaves a twist somewhere deep in his gut which he doesn’t really understand, so he unblocks him after a bottle of red wine on Saturday night. He steadfastly refuses to look in the mirror, though, because the more he’s been thinking about Calum’s (and, he supposes, Ashton’s) conspiracy theory, the more it seems to root itself in his mind, twining itself around all of his thoughts. It’s just easier not to think about it, to focus on the fourteen thousand other things he has to do and ignore the way his back feels like it’s on fire whenever he devotes any attention to it. 

He finally checks his emails on Sunday evening. He’s got twenty minutes before he needs to be at Calum’s, so he figures it’s a good time to see whether the researchers have got back to him since he can’t sit and freak out about it, and he’s got Clifford curled up on his lap serenely, so he feels grounded enough to look.

There’s a bunch of shit, as he’d expected, and he sits with his finger on the backspace key for about five minutes, deleting all the Nike subscription list emails (why the fuck do they send out so many?), until one catches his eye. 

RE: Soulmate Tattoo Growth  

Luke’s palms are immediately slick with sweat, heart pounding in every inch of his body as he clicks the email open. Clifford rolls over in his lap with a small whine, resting his head on Luke’s thigh, like he can sense Luke’s anxiety. 

From: <c.r.johnson@ucl.ac.uk> To: <themightyhemmo1996@gmail.com> Cc: <j.m.newbury@ucl.ac.uk>  RE: Soulmate Tattoo Growth

Dear Mr Hemmings, 

Thank you very much for your email. Apologies for the length of time it took to send a response, but as you can imagine we are currently inundated with queries. 

Your case is of particular interest to us. Though we cannot currently provide you with any concrete answers, there are many elements to your particular situation which we would like to explore and perhaps discover answers to, if you would be willing to be a part of our study. I will attach both mine and my colleague’s contact details should you decide to take us up on our offer. 

We believe your soulmate contacted us too, and we have made the same offer to him. 

Kind regards, 

Colin Johnson  

Beneath the email are two sets of phone numbers, emails and addresses to a university in London. 

Luke swallows, hard. It’s far from the answer he had wanted, although he’d known deep down that expecting a don’t worry, everything will be fine response had been wishful thinking on a new level. He’d never expected them to want to study him, though, to be reduced to some kind of scientific experiment. Something about that doesn’t sit quite right with him. 

He closes his laptop, not wanting to think about it anymore, and tips Clifford off his lap. 

“C’mon, Cliff,” he says. “Let’s go to Calum’s.” 

 -------

 “You’re a fucking cheat,” Michael yells, when Calum scores again, and Luke can’t help laughing at the look of pure outrage on his face as he rounds on Calum. “How the fuck did you do that? How the fuck did you do that?” He’s shaking his controller in Calum’s face, but Calum just laughs, eyes crinkling at the corners. 

“Pure talent,” he says, grinning at Michael. Michael scoffs, somehow managing to sound furious while doing it. 

“You’re cheating,” he insists, and Calum laughs harder, curling in on himself on the sofa. “Luke, help me out.” Luke holds his hands up, laughing as he shakes his head. “You fucking bastard. What do I keep you around for if not to gang up on Calum with me?” 

“To stare at my arse,” Luke says, because Michael stares at his arse a lot. 

“You do stare at his arse a lot,” Calum tells Michael. Michael squawks, incensed. 

“You’re not allowed to gang up on me!” he says indignantly. “Cliff, you’re on my side, right? You think Cal’s a dirty cheat, don’t you?” Clifford just stares up at Michael, wagging his tail happily. “He thinks you’re a dirty cheat, Cal.” 

“That’s funny,” Calum says conversationally, “because I think he was actually saying Mike, you’re a sore loser?” 

“I heard something that sounded like Michael’s just not very good at Fifa?” Luke adds innocently. Calum nods, mock-thoughtful. 

“I’m pretty sure that was in there somewhere,” he agrees. 

“Fuck you both,” Michael says, glaring at each of them in turn. “I’m good at Fifa. I’ve been playing it since Fifa 06.” 

“On the fucking Wii, Mike, that doesn’t count,” Luke says. 

“Maybe Fifa 22 just isn’t for you,” Calum says with a shrug, eyes gleaming. 

“They’re all the fucking same, Calu-” Michael starts, before he seems to realise what Calum’s suggesting. “Fuck you, fucking-” He doesn’t finish his sentence, choosing instead to launch himself at Calum, who squeals, laughter turning to gasps for air and frantic pleas of stop, please, Mikey, please, stop, Luke, help me. Luke takes a wary step back - there’s no telling who Michael’s going to attack when he feels slighted by both of them, and Luke’s even more ticklish than Calum, so he’s not taking any chances, thank you very much. 

Eventually, Michael relents, and Calum wheezes, red-faced and panting, chest heaving as he tries to catch his breath. Michael sits back, pushing his fringe out of his face with a satisfied look on his face. 

“Fuck you,” Calum manages, gazing at the ceiling. Michael grins. 

“If you ask nicely,” he says. Luke pulls a face.

“See if I ever suck your dick again,” Calum says, still speaking to the ceiling, and Luke can’t help the choked noise that escapes his throat. Calum pulls his head up, like he’s just remembered Luke’s there, and Michael’s grin widens at the horrified look on Luke’s face. 

“Okay,” Luke says, as Calum struggles to push himself back into a seated position on the sofa. “Ground rules. I don’t want to hear about your sex life.” Michael rolls his eyes, still grinning. 

“Prude,” he says, but he doesn’t mean it. Luke just flips him off. 

“Can I lay a ground rule?” Calum says. “Michael has to admit he’s bad at Fifa before I consider making you all dinner.” Michael crosses his arms. 

“Firstly, that’s not a ground rule,” he says. 

“I’m not taking criticism,” Calum says. 

“Secondly,” Michael continues breezily, like Calum had never spoken, “I respect you too much to lie to you.” 

“Good, because I’m starving,” Luke says, looking at Michael expectantly. Michael scowls. 

“Let’s settle this in a real football match,” Calum says. “Five a side next Saturday.” Michael doesn’t look too keen on the idea, and even Luke hesitates. 

“It’s fucking December, Cal,” he says. “I’m going to keel over from heatstroke after twenty minutes.” 

“You’re going to keel over from heatstroke?” Michael says. “I’m probably not going to even make it onto the pitch.” 

“Hey,” Calum says. “You both owe me favours. I’m calling them in.”

“What fucking favour do I owe you?” Michael says indignantly. 

“You know,” Calum says pointedly. 

“I don’t,” Michael says. Calum’s making a face at him, one that Luke doesn’t have to be his soulmate to read, a you know what I’m talking about, get the hint, I can’t say it in front of Luke. 

“Yes, you do,” Calum says, eyes flicking to Luke. Michael follows his gaze, and then realisation dawns on his face. 

“Oh,” he says, sounding distinctly annoyed about it. “Fine. But I’m only playing one half.” 

“I don’t owe you any favours,” Luke says confidently, when Calum’s gaze slides over to him. 

“Think again,” Calum says, grinning. “I told you I don’t help with emails for free.” Luke groans. 

“That was a joke,” he says. 

“Nope,” Calum says cheerfully. “Five a side. Saturday. Ten o’clock.” 

“Ten?” Luke’s not sure who sounds more scandalised, him or Michael. 

“Ten,” Calum confirms, and Luke’s own groan is drowned out by Michael’s. 

 -------

 On Tuesday, Luke finally snaps. 

He’s somehow managed to pull his pyjama top off in his sleep, finding it discarded and drenched in sweat on the floor when he wakes up. There’s no point putting it back on, because it’s fucking boiling, so he just pads into the bathroom shirtless, yawning and scratching his arm. 

He brushes his teeth, washes his face, puts on his moisturiser, and then turns to wipe his hands clean - and catches a flash of black ink as he does so. 

Wet hands forgotten, he turns back to the mirror, staring at himself. He watches his own blue eyes blink back at him as he weighs up his options. He could keep ignoring it, pretending it’s not there, and he’d probably be okay at it, for a while. He could probably go another few weeks pretending nothing’s happened, distracting himself like he has been for the past five days - especially with Christmas just around the corner - but, when he’s honest with himself, he knows it’d always be there, at the back of his mind. 

It can’t hurt to look, he tells his reflection. Mirror Luke just blinks at him, looking lost and confused, frown lines that weren’t there eight months ago etched into his forehead. It can’t hurt to look, because it won’t change anything. Whatever is there is there, whether or not Luke’s aware of it. His ignorance won’t make it go away, or stop it changing. 

Taking a deep breath, he steels himself, keeping his eyes locked on his reflection, and turns around.

He immediately sees four numbers in an arc above the moon, and his heart sinks. 09:47. 

He’s not entirely sure what the numbers mean, but he can hazard a guess. With one final glance at the tattoo, now taking up a large portion of his shoulderblade, he turns back and grabs his phone off the sink, scrolling back through his conversation with Calum to Friday morning. 

Me I’m on the train. 

He remembers sending that text. He’d sent it just as the train had started pulling out of the station, just before Ashton had appeared. With trembling fingers - which, okay, he thinks is fair given the situation he’s in - he swipes to the left on the message to see the timestamp. 

09:47am. 

The numbers blink back at him, grey on white, like they don’t know they’ve just confirmed something that cannot, cannot be true. 

Luke cannot have his two options be work something out with Ashton or become a canvas for Ashton. There’s got to be a third option, a get-out-of-jail-free clause, something that isn’t telling him he’s either doomed to spend eternity with the last person he ever wants to see again, or become a mess of black ink and have his body display Ashton rather than being his own. 

He barely even knows what he’s doing until the phone is at his ear. 

“You finally looked?” Ashton says, and Luke hates it, hates that Ashton knows he’s tried to pretend it wasn’t happening. 

“It can’t be right,” Luke says, voice too loud in the small bathroom, bouncing off all the tiles and feeding back into his own ears. 

“What’s yours?” 

“The time the train left,” Luke says, and his voice sounds a little shaky. He hopes Ashton can’t hear the tremors. 

“Mine’s the time it arrived,” Ashton says, even though Luke hadn’t asked, he never fucking asks, because he doesn’t want to know. 

“Shit,” Luke says, and he hears a quiet whine and some scratching at the bathroom door. He doesn’t have the energy to let Clifford in though, can barely even keep himself upright, steadying himself on the sink with the hand that isn’t clutching his phone.

“I know,” Ashton says. “Did they email you back?” Luke doesn’t have to ask who they are, just nods, numbly. 

“Yeah,” he says. 

“Do you want to do it?” 

Luke hesitates. He hadn’t thought about Ashton even giving him a chance - he’d assumed Ashton would say whatever Ashton said, and Luke would say whatever Luke said. He hadn’t considered their answers not being separate. 

“I don’t know,” he says truthfully. 

“Okay,” Ashton says. “I mean. It’s a big decision.” 

“I know, Ashton,” Luke says, frustrated that this is what Ashton wants to focus on, like they don’t have bigger things to worry about, like Luke’s skin becoming a museum to Ashton Fletcher Irwin. “I just- I don’t have time to think about it right now, okay?” 

“Hey,” Ashton says, voice kind, gentle, soothing. “It’s okay. You’re okay. We’ll get through this.” 

A sudden wave of calmness surges through Luke’s veins, loosening his lungs, his heart, his mind. It’s like nothing Luke’s ever felt before, like falling asleep when he’s comfortably tired and waking up slowly and the sensation of the sun on his skin all at the same time. 

It’s the scariest fucking thing Luke’s ever experienced in his life. 

“Jesus Christ,” he gasps out, heart constricting, lungs tightening, mind narrowing, and he stabs the ‘end call’ button as he sinks to the floor. His phone clatters onto the tiles, and Luke vaguely registers that it’s probably cracked, and the whining and scratching outside the door is getting louder and louder and Luke can’t fucking think, can’t fucking breathe because everything is Ashton, and nothing is Luke. Everything is Ashton, like he’s twenty-four all over again, sobbing on this bathroom floor after throwing up God knows how much alcohol. 

It’s that thought that focuses him, sobers him, pulls him back to reality and away from his racing mind, because he’s not going to do that this time. Ashton’s taken enough from him, taken love and happiness and tears and almost his fucking life, and Luke’s not going to do that this time. 

His vision swims back into relative clarity as he focuses on his breathing like his therapist always said - in, hold, out; in, hold, out - and he wrestles himself to his knees to pull down the door handle. As soon as there’s a crack in the door, Clifford’s racing through, and Luke releases the door handle with a bang and falls back against the bathtub as Clifford climbs all over him, still whining, licking every inch of Luke’s skin. Luke wraps his arms around him, and Clifford carries on licking, warm and rough against Luke’s skin. It grounds him, reminding him that he’s here, he’s alive, he’s got Clifford to look after, he’s got the cool bathtub pressed uncomfortably against his spine. His shaky breathing evens out, and he feels colour returning to his face. Clifford begins to settle a little, only licking at Luke’s chin, and when Luke thinks about the fact that he’s now going to have to shower and be late for work the tightness in his chest loosens a little. 

Work. That’s a safe thought. That’s somewhere Ashton can never touch him. That’s all Luke. 

Luke sets Clifford down, much to Clifford’s discontent, and gets to his feet, a little unsteady. He pulls his phone off the floor with him - great, there’s a new crack running smoothly from the top left corner to the middle of the right hand side of the screen - and unlocks it, typing out a message to Michael and Calum with only slightly trembling fingers. 

Me I think I just had my first soulmate experience.

taglist: @glitterlukey @hey-its-grey 

chapter five

[pastel-bullet-101]

Part 9

The before mentioned Bakugou Katsuki is glaring down at me with a smirk on his face and the journal held out of my reach. "I'll have you know I didnt steal it I was given it to borrow." I huffed out. I the reached for the notebook only for him to yank it farther back. "Really now?" He said with that stupid look on his face. "Yes. Look I know your just trying to protect your friends stuff but-"

I was cut off by him growling and then him throwing the journal back at me, which I luckily caught before it wacked me in the face. "As if I'd protect anything for that shitty nerd." Wow that was a big change of attitude. "Well anyway Midoriya lent his journal for me to read." He scoffed. "Of course that peice of shit would give up anything for a pretty face." He shoved his hands in his pockets and slouched down in his seat. Despite my better judgement I decided to tease him a bit. "Wow, you think I'm pretty? Thanks!" I then look over and gave him a sly smile. He whipped his head around so fast and started raising his voice. "I was insulting Deku not giving out a compliment!" I could see the steam coming out of his ears which gave me a bit of a laugh which in turn caused him to start throwing out more curses.

I dont know how but we eventually came to a silence. I was continuing to read Midoriya's journal while Bakugou listened to his music. I began to turn the page and was met by a full two page spread on the very angry pomeranian that was beside me. I turn over the page and the information went over the page behind it. "What the hell?" The journal was once again snatched from me by the blonde. "Stop doing that!" I quickly grabbed the book from him before he could move it. He was about to say something but I spoke before he could. "If you wanna see just ask." I scoot over closer to him and place the journal in between us. He muttered something but I couldn't quite pick up on that it was.  He began to learn over a bit to see the contents of the page. "Wow. He has a lot of information on you I think you might already have a fan." I said trying to get rid of the awkward tension but it was only met with anger. "More like a stalker why the hell would he need to analyze practically everything about me." He said in more of a demanding tone rather than an actual question. "Well hey if it makes you feel better you have one more page than All Might!" I flipped over the page to show him the rest of the information. "Well obviously, even a shitty nerd can tell I'm gonna surpass All Might!" I slightly winced at his loud tone. "Hey look I know your whole thing is being angry but can you tone down the yelling a bit?" He let out a scoff at me ,but he stopped yelling so that's kind of a win, "Midoriya realty likes you." 

"Pfft yeah right he's just trying to find my weakness. Nosy piece of shit." Damn, I thought since they were childhood friends that they would at the very least be compatible but it just seems this is a relationship of the push over and the pusher. If that is even a thing.  "So are you guys not childhood friends or..?" I left my sentence for him to answer but he just glared down at the pages of the paper. After an awkward amount of silence her finally let out a rushed response. "We just happened to be neighbors so we were always around each other. I would've never associate with him otherwise." With that he leaned back into his seat and shoved his headphones back into his ears. Well I guess that means the conversation is over now. I follow in leaning back into my seat and I decide to put up the notebook in favor of  getting a quick amount of shut eye before having to rant to Tomura about my day and such. 

.

.

.

Bakugou POV  

I decide to shove my headphones into my ears to get out of the conversation with the girl seated next to me. I'll be honest that question. Whether or not me and Deku were friends got me thinking. Were we ever really friends? I mean we hung out a lot but that was more out of convenience than actual friendship. I positive that if we weren't so close by to one another we would have never even spoke to one another. Then again isn't that how young brats make friends? Or am I missing something? Fuck I hate this. That shitty extra really got me thinking about pointless shit.

 I look over to the girl and notice her drifting off to sleep. "Hey if you even think about laying your head on me I'll blow your ass sky high got it?" That seemed to get her attention. "As if, you probably would be the worst person to lay on." She responded with venom evident in her voice. Well shit. Didn't know someone like her could have a attitude like that. Kinda funny seeing a innocent looking girl get so angry. I must have not been able to contain my laughter cause she glared daggers at me and scooted farther from me before slightly going into herself to find a nicer position to rest. So she definitely is grumpy when it comes to sleep. Then again who isn't

I started thinking back to what is gonna happen when I get back home. Me and the old hag didn't really leave on the best terms. I began to remember that morning and slightly cringed at the memory. I woke up very aggravated the fact Deku made it into UA still fresh in my mind. By the time I made it downstairs ready to leave I almost made it out the door without the old hag catching me. Almost. "Katsuki!" Fuck. Part of me wanted to leave and pretend I didn't hear her but my old man decided for me with a. "Just go and do it before she runs after you." I let out a slight groan but walked into the kitchen where she called me from. "Yeah what is it?"

"Don't you mean 'yes ma'am' brat?" I rolled my eyes punctuated with a groan. "Look I got to get going if I wanna get to school on time."  

"You can catch the next train if I keep you to long but it won't even take five minuets if you cooperate." I look over to the clock on the stove and began to do the quick math of when I'll get to the train. "Uhgg, fine what do you need." She gave me one of her strained smiles. "Great to see you cooperating! For once..."  She slightly muttered that last part. Yeah lets just day the rest went downhill... Fast. Apparently she wanted to make some type of sweet bullshit but she was having trouble so decided to employ her son. The rest was just yelling and bickering, which not only resulted in me storming out but also me running late and having to catch the later train. Then the fight with Deku I guess seeing that journal just made me snap slightly. My thought process  was immediately interrupted by a sudden weight on my shoulder. I practically whipped my head around to be met with a head of H/C hair. 

[pocket-clown]

a journal mishap;

// original request: Ooooh I don't know if you've done this before but could you write a fic where the reader finds Arthurs journal and reads his notes about them? Like what would he write about?? How'd he react to reader confronting him about it? 😳

thank you for the request, anon!

Summary: After not realizing that he, in a tired haze, had dropped his journal on the bus, Arthur is ultimately forced to admit his feelings for you - which to his surprise, end up being much more reciprocated than he thought.

Words: 2,970

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Arthur could feel his heart practically seize up in his chest once he shrugged off his hoodie and realized that his journal wasn’t tucked into the waistband of his pants like it usually was. 

He always kept it there on therapy days. Always. 

He had brought it with him, right? Of course he did - his social worker asked him to, so he always made sure that he did. She even read some of it today, much to his surprise and ultimate discomfort, but she gave it back and he remembered folding it and tucking it into his sweater like he always, always did.

So where was it? 

“Happy?! Is that you?” His mother’s shout for him momentarily brought Arthur down from his panic, though it was short lived. 

“Of course it’s me, mom. Who else would it be?” He sighed, though his tone was gentle as he slipped off his shoes, leaving them in front of the door before making his way further into the apartment where Penny was sitting in her chair as some old news rerun played on their small television. She only glanced up at him for a second as he moved the pillows on the couch around, just checking so he could be sure that he actually did bring his journal with him today and didn’t leave it hidden away at home.

“Well you never know with this city, anymore. Just today there was another break in - it’s very unsafe here.” Penny nodded towards the television as the newscaster went on to talk about an apartment burglary that wasn’t too far from their own building that occurred recently - recently, as in almost a week ago, but Arthur didn’t feel the need to point that out. He didn’t know what the point of replaying old broadcasts was, but at the moment he didn’t really care. 

“Oh, ma - you don’t think I could protect you?” Arthur teased, taking a seat on the couch so he could actually rest a moment for the first time all day. “No one’s gonna bother us - we don���t have anything they’d want, anyway. Are you hungry? Do you want some dinner, now?” 

He didn’t miss the flash of doubt that crossed his mom’s face in regards to his comment about protecting her, but still smiled once she nodded and said that he should at least eat something, too, because he “always looked so tired, now.”

His journal wasn’t on his desk, either, he saw as he made his way into their small kitchen so he could heat up her dinner. His panic was only growing as the seconds ticked by, and he absolutely racked his brain while he thought about where he could’ve possibly left it. He hadn’t stopped anywhere on his way home from seeing his social worker - work was much earlier that day, and he didn’t need to go to the pharmacy - so there was no place he could’ve accidentally left it at.

So where was it?

While waiting for his mom’s TV dinner to heat up did he pace the small kitchen, briefly considering asking her if she saw it around - but he knew there really would be no point in that because he knew that he brought it with him for the day, so she wouldn’t have seen it around. That, and the fact that his mom really didn’t need to know that he’d lost his journal; “sometimes I don’t know where your head is” she’d always say with a sigh, and he’d always been so careful with it, insisting that he wouldn’t lose it, that he couldn’t - because not only did it have his private thoughts in it, but it also contained his original comedy material that he didn’t want just anyone else getting their hands on. 

“Happy, did you take the bus home? The weatherman said it’s going to rain again, tonight.” Penny called from the other room, oblivious to her son’s turmoil.

Arthur opened his mouth to respond, but before he could, he was hit with the realization;

The bus. 

The bus! 

He must’ve dropped it on the bus!

The bus - which was long gone by now.

Arthur groaned, before he turned around and thud his forehead into the refrigerator out of frustration.

                                                          ----------

"i dont think shed even be inturestid"

“im too old anyway”

“shes pretty. she has a nice smile.”

“would she be mad if she knew i followd her again?”

Though not spoken aloud, the words read loud and clear inside your head. Sentence after sentence about who you presumed to be yourself filled one of the many pages of the journal you’d found on the seat of the bus, crude drawings of what looked an awful lot like you in your sweater lining the margins. 

It was Arthur’s journal that you held in your hand, indicated by the scratchy writing on the front label that read Arthur Fleck. Of course you didn’t know this when you initially found it; it was already flipped open, haphazardly plopped in the corner where the bus seat met the wall, as if it had fallen there without its owner realizing so after they got up. It was flipped to a page full of messy handwriting, and at first you were just planning on shutting it and handing it to the driver in case the next day someone came around looking for it, but then your eyes fell on your name with smiley faces scribbled all around it at the top of the page. 

At first you figured it must’ve been a coincidence; Gotham had a few million people living in it, no doubt did at least a handful of them share a name with you, so this could’ve been about anyone - but that’s when you scanned the page and saw details about you specifically written down, accompanying the aforementioned drawings, and it hit that the was writing about you. You’d flipped to the cover for a second as you sat down in your seat, no choice but to as the bus had begun moving, and that’s when you saw that it belonged to Arthur and your heart fluttered in your chest.

Did Arthur really feel this way about you? You questioned as you peeked where you’d left off, for a second time.

“got to find a way to talk to her more”

“shes the only one thats nice to me”

“i reelly really like her” 

You quickly flipped the notebook shut for good this time, pressing it’s worn body to your lap before sinking back into your seat.

This was Arthur’s personal journal - his personal thoughts - you couldn’t just go through it like that, no matter how much you may want to. 

You knew Arthur was troubled; not that he was dangerous or anything, even though some of the other tenants in the building spoke of him like that was the case, but within the months that you’d known him the two of you had grown fairly close and you’d learned enough about him to know that he struggled with much more than most people would ever even come close to. It broke your heart, if you were being honest; he tried, he tried so hard to better himself and take care of his mother and try to make those around him smile - but so often did those same people, and at times did it seem like life itself, figuratively and sometimes literally in the case of the former, spit on him.

You both shared a bus; the stop was a level down from the street your apartment building was on, so you’d always walk there and wait for the bus when you needed somewhere to go, and a handful of times had you bumped into Arthur, him being nothing but polite - shy, he seemed at times, but you were the same way so you didn’t mind. On some days, though, he didn’t even need to tell you that he’d had a bad day - the way he’d barely lift his head to look at you as you passed by said more than any words ever could.

Arthur usually got home around this time, and considering you found a belonging of his, you realized you must’ve literally just missed him through the hustle and bustle of the crowd as everyone poured out of and refilled the bus. If you’d found it sooner, you would have run right off the bus to find him and return it, but within moments of getting on said bus and within seconds of finding it, the bus had began moving, and you were ultimately forced to keep hold of his journal for the next who-knew-how-long.

Delicately did your fingers trace the edges of the journal as you gazed out of the window as the bus moved through the streets, taking you to your location after making a few stops to exchange passengers. You mulled over the situation; how would you even approach Arthur about this? Just knock on the door and hand it to him? Leave it in front of the door? Should you even mention that you read some of it? With the way he wrote about you, you felt that you shouldn’t because it seemed so personal that you worried the poor man would die of humiliation if you told him you knew how he felt about you, but you kind of wanted to. You’d be a big liar if you said that the way he wrote about you didn’t make your heart flutter, and you’d be an even bigger liar if you said you didn’t feel the same way. 

It would be awkward - but you needed to return it to him, and you hoped you would be home early enough to do it tonight.

                                                         ----------

Almost two hours later at nearly eight in the evening did you finally return, and within those same two hours had Arthur practically driven himself up a wall with anxiety regarding his missing journal. 

His mother, barely awake next to him on the bed as they engaged in their almost-nightly routine of watching the Murray Franklin show had seemed blissfully unaware of her son’s restlessness, and Arthur could hardly stop himself from flying to the door once he heard a knock at it, praying that it was some sweet stranger who was kind enough to somehow manage to track down the owner of the notebook they’d found.

Though it was no stranger, Arthur was still relieved when he opened the door, a fond smile on his face once he saw who was on the other side.

“Oh - Y/N, hey.”

“Hey, Arthur.” You paused for a beat, not sure how to say what you wanted to. “Are you missing anything?” 

“Oh, no? I don’t think so.” His voice was quizzical; he seemed a bit caught off guard by your odd question as he’d taken a second to respond. He needed to play it cool and not trouble you, he thought to himself, but after a second of contemplation he figured that it was best to admit that he had indeed misplaced something - you were always nice to him, maybe you would help him find it. “Actually, I’m missing -”

“This?” You cut him off, holding out the worn notebook to him before he slowly took it from you, his eyes looking between your own and it a few times.

“Where did you…?” 

“The bus. It was in my seat. I realized it was yours after I closed it and saw.. your…. name.”

You sighed, eyes closing once you realized you had pretty much just admitted that it was open and that you had read it, to some degree. “I mean - I didn’t really read much of it. If I had known it was yours then I wouldn’t have read it at all, I just - didn’t know what it was. I didn’t read a lot.” 

Arthur’s eyes went wide at this, and he looked absolutely petrified. 

“What… did you read…?” 

“Oh! It was nothing, it was just - ah - ,” You pause, your hand finding its way to your face and you scratched at your cheek, shifting awkwardly in place. You’d lie, if you could; you’d save yourself the embarrassment of admitting that you had snooped, and Arthur the embarrassment of knowing that you had read his personal writing. 

“Am I really the only one that’s nice to you?” Quickly, barely above a whisper, did you blurt out your question. You honestly didn’t know how else to answer his question, other than with one of your own.

Arthur was dead silent as he stood in the doorway in front of you, his hands squeezing the sides of his journal as he stared you right in the face, and you couldn’t bring yourself to break eye contact with him.

“Y/N - about that, all that... I’m - I - ,” He looked like he was about to die. Arthur brought his hand to his neck - he could feel a laugh beginning to choke up in his throat - and he turned his head away from you as he tried to keep himself calm, his voice strained as he managed to choke out a remorseful “I’m sorry.”

“You’re really the only one that’s nice to me, too, you know.” You said, your voice soft. It was true; everyone else in Gotham was so damn rude all the time - but not Arthur. Not your sweet, albeit troubled neighbor. 

Arthur let out an abrupt laugh at this, immediately slapping the hand that wasn’t squeezing the life out of his journal over his mouth. He refused to make eye contact with you, fearing that doing so and seeing the look of disgust and judgement that you absolutely, without a doubt had would push him over the edge and cause him to erupt into a full-blown fit.

“I mean it - I like how you wrote about me, Arthur. I really do. I’m sorry that I snooped - and I’m sorry that I’m kinda making it worse right now by going on about it.” You almost laughed, the heavy regret you felt weighing down on you, your face feeling hot. Never in the short time that you knew him did you see Arthur get angry, but you felt that he was probably pissed at you for going through his personal diary like you had, and you wished you could’ve gone back in time and just gave it to him and said you found it on the ground, or something.

Unbeknownst to you, though, Arthur wasn’t pissed. He wasn’t angry, he wasn’t even mad. The look on his face once he finally managed to look at you was one of pure perplexity, rather than anger; he looked, if anything, like he didn’t believe you. He looked like he expected this to be some big, cruel joke.

“I shouldn’t have read it, I’m sorry, but… now that I know how you feel - I should probably admit that I feel the same way.” You whispered the last bit, afraid that maybe you’d totally misinterpreted Arthur’s writing and it, in fact, was about someone else, or that his feelings for you had gone down the drain now that he knew the context surrounding how you’d learned about them in the first place.

“No - you can’t,” He choked out in between the laughter he was trying so hard but ultimately failing to suppress. “Why would you like me?” 

The amount of utter disbelief in his voice expressed at the mere idea of you liking him back was heartbreaking, to say the least. Whether the tears in his eyes were from sorrow or his laughter (which you knew the reason behind; one of your first meetings with him was rather awkward and in the end he’d been forced to hand one of his condition cards over to you as he broke down in a fit) you had no clue, but they didn't keep you from stepping up to him, closing most of the gap that was between the two of you as you took one of his hands gently in your own.

“Arthur, I really mean it. Hey… if I didn’t, do you really think I’d still be standing here?” You spoke, and when Arthur failed to take his eyes off of the ground to look into your own, you tilted your head ever so slightly so you could get a better look at his face before you took a peek over his shoulder, into his apartment. “Hey, is your mom awake? Would you be able to step away and come to my apartment for a bit, so we could talk? I’d really like to do that, but only if you’re comfortable with it.”

You hoped that smiling how you did at Arthur once he finally raised his head, tears in his eyes, was enough to convey how sincere you were in your words. You wouldn’t play with his feelings like that - you couldn’t, even if you wanted to (though why anyone would want to was beyond your imagination), and you honestly expected him to reject your suggestion and slam the door in your face under the impression that you were. When he didn’t though, and instead tightened his grip around your own hand ever so slightly, a scoff of a laugh leaving him, you felt your heart thud with relief. 

“I don’t - are you sure?” His voice was still tight, though not as much as before, and you hoped that was an indicator that he wasn’t as worked up. When you nodded in response and told him that of course you were sure, you could almost see the relief wash over him, and though you knew that it would take some time on both parts to really let it sink in that your feelings were mutual, you were more than happy to spend said time with him. 

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

taglist (adding hours later because in my rush out the door it completely escaped my mind to add this o o p s sorry!);

@tahliamalfoydepp @tsukiakarinobara​

[rebelliouslala]

Min Yoongi

creative writing is fucking KILLING you

so, on advice of your professor

you go to the frat boys poem cafe

like rly

a poem cafe?

it was stupid, but you really liked it

they also had bomb ass coffee

the boys that worked there were much more than you could describe as god like

and there were actually poems that they made

these boys made

even though they also did sports, like dance and tennis, one even doing soccer;

they were very creative

made you actually believe in men again lol

anyways you were sipping some rly dark coffee

like black as coal and the hells of tartarus dark coffee

when the curtains open, “and here, we have the poet, Agust D”

what a cute alias, but the man himself had to be the cutest

He had a round, well shaped nose, glowing skin, and shy eyes, however, he wore a leather jacket with rather vulgar patches on

your favorite was the one that said “a-g-u-std”

He sat down, and looks across his audience

“ice. cold as your heart.

heart? well I guess I once thought it was art.”

The man takes a rose out of his jacket, “well isn’t everything? Oh what is truly love?”

He plucks the petals and he scoffs with a smile, “I thought we fit each other like a glove

Laughing under the dim lights,

I swore each time I was near you, you gave me a high

As I was falling deeper for you,

Your mind had a different view,

You took part of my mind, less or some,

While you had your mouth around someone’s dick with a hum,

What the fuck am I to you?

I, alone and making excuses,

While you and other men were introducing,

I cannot stand it anymore,

What do you mean you’re hurt and sore?!

I am too! You’re not special- It’s over!”

The man, as he spoke had such raw emotion, his voice breaking, until it cracked on the first vowel on the last word he spoke. He pants heavily, before sitting down,

Slumping, shaking his head as he breaks the rose and toss it to the ground,

“Oh. . .you’re well?

I’m. . .let’s just say, I’ve been through hell.”

The curtains slowly close, and you can catch the glimpse of a tear falling from his eye

As snaps and your accidental claps fill the cafe, your mouth is ajar,

Holy

Shit

Holy shit

holy shit

holy sHIT

He was so good, his emotion in his voice, the rhyme, the story;

You had tears in your eyes

So, after he performed, he sat down, lighting a cigarette as you look at him in wonder

Some people pass, bowing as you sit across from him

You’re just desperate, so you just smile and wave

“Hi, my name is y/n,”

He looks over, his eyebrow raised, “uh, hi”

His voice was quiet, easily repaired from his emotional art

“Y-you were . .spectacular. I have never seen anything, or even HEARd anything like that, Agust”

He laughs a little and shrugs, “thanks”

“Can you teach me?”

He inhales more and hums, “what?”

“I am a creative writing major, and i’ve been really bad at poems. I. . .I need a tutor. I don’t have much money,”

“Suga.”

You look up, as he gently gives you a soft smirk. . . or smile

“Call me Suga”

So that was how you two met

u would meet him at his frat, and study in his office

It was small, more like a studio to create beats

You felt a little weird since it was always you and him

Nevertheless he was really good at creating things off the top of his head, and even gave you tips

He often even treated you out, letting you eat his secret stash of snacks

Once you even fell asleep while he was “lecturing” and woke up with a pillow underneath your head, and a blanket on you, and him sleeping on the couch, facing you

No doubt feelings arose when you saw him laugh

when he would have a small smile and enjoy a work of yours

nicely and expertly giving you criticism

sometimes he would send u memes

but he was especially the cutest because he would snore quietly in his sleep

that made ur everything go uwu

Soon came about the day came when you were out of creative power

it being exams week, the last one for the year, where you’re so mentally exhausted and you can’t even write

So yoongi is there, hugging you

He’s been clingy

Oh yeah did i mention maybe once did you sleep together

AS CUDDLES

disgusting mind

f i l t h y

Anyway so you’re almost in tears

While he’s half awake from all of his exams

“Suga?”

“mm?”

You gently feel his new mint hair

It’s something he just likes to do

another reason to wuv

“I dont have an idea for my free project”

“Mm. . .” he gently cuddles into you, “don’t you have the old journal your dad gave you?”

You gasp and you look down, before you can say more, say anything appreciative

You see him snore, and a tint of blush on his cheeks

Of course the signs were there

But you never saw them

He did care about you

With slight regret, you kiss the earring on his ear and whisper, “you’re the best, Suga~,”

The tint on his cheeks grows brighter, and you both huddle close as he whispers, “yoongi”

“huh??”

he only chuckles and gently holds you close like a stuffed animal, “you’re a very amazing writer, y/n, u little sweetheart~”

that is all he says before he visits dreamland, letting you flustered and stroking his hair

more lovingly than ever

[gayregis]

Hi, just wanted to ask, how did you get into the witcher franchise (did you read the books before you played the games or vice versa?). Love your blog, byeeee :)

ty for the ask!! i hope you dont mind if i go too in-depth because i was legit thinking about this earlier today... 

tldr: i played tw3 and liked it, then read the books

i got into the witcher because one of my favorite gaming youtubers was doing a playthrough of tw3 on youtube in around i think september 2017. i liked this specific gaming youtuber for being shit at games and not caring about it... but tw3 was a different game. it felt like the decisions mattered, that there was an actual story here, that when this youtuber made shitty decisions and didn’t really care about the characters involved, i got frustrated because this game seemed really good... so i picked up the game myself and played it though, it was magnificent. not to r/witcher “the witcher 3 is literally the best game created in this history of ever” but it was sincerely good... not only does it have a great story, characters, and graphics, but it is genuinely comfortable to play as a game, even if you’re not great at games (i like playing video games but i’m not good at them when it comes to combat, i literally just would prefer to hack and slash through). so, i played through tw3 and the fact that it made me cry multiple times i found to be really interesting... but it was still just a game to me, it wasn’t something i thought about when i have time to daydream headcanons. i had read i think the witcher (short story) halfway through playing, just to get a feel of what tw3 came from, but from that, i realized the books and the games were incredibly different entitities, and i decided to not read the books until i had finished the game, or at least until i had more free time on my hands (mind i was in high school and was a senior, and during this time was when i was submitting college applications... exceptionally stressful, and the reading/writing part of my brain was absolutely fried from essay writing and reviewing). i was particularly struck by geralt and ciri’s relationship and the isle of mists quests fucked me up pretty bad. 

then around later 2017, i was really enjoying tw3, and had finished tw3′s base game and hearts of stone, and was now making my way into blood & wine. i was just playing it like normal, then came the part when geralt met regis. at first i wasn’t too interested (i mean, i was, but in the story of blood & wine, not in the books) until the little journal text pop-up appeared on my screen. you know, the one about quests you just received, or characters you just met. it was going through the motions of saying i finished this quest, picked up this new one, i was all like fine, fine, okay, alright, and then it just fucking puts regis’ long-ass name on the screen taking up a good amount of my FOV and i am immediately like, what? what the fuck? who the fuck? that’s the name? of the guy we just met? that guy??? he didn’t seem like someone with a name like that? who the fuck IS this guy.

so i head over to the wiki page for regis. i thumb through the basic information, i’m pretty interested, this quest stuff to find ciri sounds interesting. i decide to give the witcher books another try, because i have more free time now and am way more invested as everyone here as characters. also, i want to find out more about yennefer, because she was being badmouthed by everyone i saw online, and i wanted to read more about her and see if she was really so bad (spoilers: she’s not at all, the internet is just misogynistic).

i don’t think that i’m going to actually really care about these books, i just want more flavor and explanation about how in hell a witcher met a vampire and these two somehow became friends. so, i don’t care about reading them in order. i go online and find fan translations of every book, i open baptism of fire and i just start reading the bit about the fish soup. i’m suddenly just laughing my ass off, really interested in who these other characters are, milva and cahir, and how dandelion seems to actually be the best friend to geralt that he was said to be in tw3. i also notice immediately that geralt... oh my god, geralt’s such a cranky bitch. i’m SHOCKED at how annoying geralt is. i realize that this is probably what geralt’s been like, this whole time, and tw3 just gave me a sterilized version of him. i’m trying to decide if i like this change or not, at first i HATED it... but then realized it actually gave him a character, where in tw3 he feels a little more... empty, waiting for the player to project a personality onto him.

so, i just read all of the hansa bits of baptism of fire, skipping over anything i don’t understand. i am saddened when i can’t find any more, so i move onto tower of the swallow. and then lady of the lake. “oh, so that’s why geralt was surprised to see regis in blood & wine...” feeling at a loss after reading stygga, i start at the beginning and make my way through the books chronologically, like they should be read. i soon realize that this series really isn’t about killing monsters at all, and i’m thrilled. i thought the series was just going to be about geralt killing things in a swamp and reporting back to whoever hired him, like in tw3... and i was wrong. this series is about personal connections! relationships! ... and fatherhood. [see read more for personal junk]

i can’t remember when i started disliking tw3. it must have been around the time that i finished the books (im using the word finished loosely... i still havent finished some scenes because theyre too violent to read and continue with my day in peace, and i also read tos/lotl by skipping around, so i never got the full experience of reading them as full novels).

i just distinctly remember returning to my tw3 new game+ save after rereading the fish soup scene, and thinking about how lonely the game felt... i just felt so dispairingly alone, this loneliness that i hadn’t felt while playing before, that i had to put the game down. i returned to the game again, but i had just reread edge of the world... and i felt so alone again. 

so reading the books ruined tw3 for me, not out of malicious intent, but just because i think i realized geralt isn’t meant to be the lone wolf. the novels center around him and his family and friends, and i just genuinely missed that when replaying tw3. plus, i began to realize a bunch of things, like ciri’s scar is supposed to be bigger, geralt’s supposed to wear his hair in a headband, yennefer’s hair is actually curly, dandelion’s supposed to actually be in the game. there were so many inconsistencies with the characters i had imagined while reading the books that eventually i just stopped playing tw3 (i already played it once, so nbd) and got really into the books. 

sometime later i saved up like $80 to buy the paperback versions of the books (UK versions including season of storms) because i knew i was in really deep lol and i wanted the official translations super badly, also we were doing an assignment in class that allowed us to do something with our favorite book, but we needed to have it in-person and not as an e-book, so it was the perfect excuse. much time spent on hansa headcanons later and... here we are today.

a read-more, because this is more personal. 

the witcher series picked me up at an eerily appropriate time. two things in it stood out to me: 1) geralt’s relationship with ciri 2) regis’s alcoholism. 

i distinctly remember an event where i started crying in front of my parents because my dad was being so absent in my life or maybe it was because they were arguing, something like this... and i remember referencing tw3 isle of mists quest actually by saying “i shouldn’t have to learn it (good parenting) from a video game” ... lol. it wasn’t an epic burn from a 17 yo, but it was just a painful remark made in anger. i still think back to it because of how first watching geralt hug ciri made me feel and how i was actually really bitter because i was jealous of ciri for about a week after completing the quest. then i kind of pushed it out of my mind and didn’t think so much about it, until the night i mentioned it.

in late march of 2018, something very bad happened in my family. that’s probably the best way to describe it. the situation ended in my parents finally separating. my mom and i were pretty afraid and lost after that. after i had collected my thoughts and everything and went back to as “normal” as i could, about a month later, when the creative part of my brain finally began to function again and wasn’t inhibited due to fear, i clung to the witcher more than i did before... and this time, actually particularly to regis, because guess who has a whole redemption arc relating to not being alcoholic and being a genuinely good person who speaks gently and heals the vulnerable?

[etlunainmorte]

🖤 I See My Future Before Me 🖤

***

"Des yeux qui font baisser les miens, un rire qui se perd sur sa bouche, voila le portrait sans retouche, de l'homme auquel j'appartiens,..."

She's just sitting there, at the back of the dark establishment near the bar, paying close attention to the singer on the small stage as she sang. She was holding what looked like a single stem of a purple hyacinth, and there was that melancholic expression on her face once more.

"Quand il me prend dans ses bras, qu'il me parle tout bas, Je vois la vie en rose. Il me dit des mots d'amour, des mots de tous les jours, et ça me fait quelque chose. Il est entré dans mon coeur, une part de bonheur, dont je connais la cause. C'est lui pour moi. Moi pour lui dans la vie. Il me l'a dit, l'a juré pour la vie."

He was just sitting right next to her but, of course, he couldn't do anything to comfort her. As much as he wanted to get close to her, to touch her smooth skin, to caress her cheeks, to brush that wayward (H/C) lock off her forehead, to touch those dainty hands and hold them close to his heart,...

... to lean close to her ear and whisper to her how much he loved her and how much he missed her,...

He reached out a hand towards her, his fingers grazing the tears on her cheeks that he couldn't brush. He gently rubbed the back of his hand against her face and felt nothing.

"My love,..." He whispered, his voice low and hoarse. She didn't hear him.

"Et dès que je l'aperçois, alors je sens en moi, mon coeur qui bat."

Her head bowed down low, her eyes closed shut. Her tears fell uncontrollably down her lap, her shoulders trembling violently with her suppressed sobbing. She wiped those tears again and again with the sleeves of her pale pink fur hoodie which was recently given by Sister Christina and averted her gaze from the passing patrons to avoid being seen as such. She looked up once more, inhaled sharply through her nose, covered her mouth with her right hand, and leaned her right elbow against the counter top of the sleek, mahogany bar.

She was trying so hard to stifle her sobs, to control the tears,...

... to shout at the top of her lungs how miserable she felt.

From the shadows, a bartender, who was idly wiping a glass with a white napkin, approached her. She sat up straight and managed to make herself decent before him despite her red and swollen eyes.

"Re - bonjour! Je peux vous aider? Ou vous admirez juste la belle vue?" He told her. And seeing that she's one of his foreign patrons who can't understand english, he spoke once more. "Hello again dear, can I help you with anything? Or do you want a glass of vodka for your weary heart?"

"Ah, yes. Yes, please." She answered, not sure whether she could afford a glass of liquor at this place.

"Alright. One glass of vodka coming right up." As the Bartender was about to prepare her drink, he faced her once more and leaned a bit closer to her. "Please, call me Petya. The owner of this establishment."

She nodded and smiled weakly at him. "Pleased to meet you, Mr. Petya."

"And you, as well. And that,..." the man said with a smug smile as he pointed at the lovely singer who was approaching them. "... is my lovely wife, Natasha. She is known here as Solange by the French patrons, kind of like a screen name, if you will. But, she is pure Russian. Just like me."

"Oh, is that so?"

"Yes! Let me introduce you. Solange, s'il te plaît, tu peux descandre une minute?"

"Mon amour." The woman called Solange, and whose real name is Natasha, greeted as she approached her husband and kissed him on the cheek. She turned towards (Y/N) and smiled, appraising her from head to foot with seemingly expert eyes. "Добро пожаловать в Розах и Водке!"

"Ah, she said, hello and welcome to Roses And Vodka." Petya translated for her.

"Oh, thank you." (Y/N) replied with a courteous nod.

Petya translated for his wife, who, then nodded at (Y/N) with a slight smile on her lovely face. "Мне кажется, ты влюблена. Ты хочешь чтоб я спела что-то для тебя? Я это сделаю совсем бесплатно, но следующий раз вам придется заплатить."

Petya chuckled as he kissed his wife on both cheeks, the language barrier both killing and confusing (Y/N). He, then, turned towards her once more. "She would love to sing any song you want. Do you have any requests?"

V watched with complete adoration as the lovely, yet sad and lonely, girl pursed and curled her lips, seemingly concentrating on her song choice. She opened her mouth, then closed them once more as she couldn't think of any song. And this, not to mention her puffy red eyes, worried both Petya and Natasha.

"Are you in pain?" The bartender carefully asked, which made the girl cry all over again.

"Ssh, ssh, ssh,..." Natasha, who felt it was her fault why (Y/N) cried, hushed and gently wrapped her in her arms. She said something in Russian, then Petya translated for her.

"She just told you to not cry over a man who left you." Petya answered. "I was right, then? You need vodka for your weary heart?"

"Ah, no. I'm sorry." (Y/N) pulled away from Natasha and wiped her tears with sleeves of her hoodie once more. "No one left me. Yet. I haven't even seen him."

To this, the couple only looked at each other, dumbfounded as to what she just said.

"What do you mean by that?"

(Y/N) bowed down low and exhaled, feeling her breath getting heavier by the second. She looked up once more and faced the concerned couple. "I was looking for someone. A man with white hair. He plays the violin. I saw him right here where I' am now."

"Oh."

V listened intently on the conversation, then pulled a notebook from his pocket - the little journal he kept during his travels. He opened it and saw his little scribbles of the places he's been in search for that elusive power to keep his mortal flesh from crumbling.

Spain

Germany

Russia

France

Italy

There were a lot more places, and not only from Europe, that were listed on his little journal but, he only knew one thing for certain: that (Y/N) has already been to those places ten years earlier than him. Somehow, with the help of Cassandra's visions, she accurately predicted all the places he would go to ten years before they could even meet. Somehow, she correctly assumed the order of his actions before he was even born as V.

Somehow, she saw her future before her,...

And she was traveling because she was looking for him and him alone that it made her sad and miserable like this.

And him? He was traveling because of his search for some stupid kind of power that corrupted him and blinded him from the truth, allowing someone to manipulate him. And not because he wanted, or expected to ever see her.

And his foolishness led to this very moment: of him regretting all his actions and grieving for her disappearance.

He might not have cared for anyone before but, now,...

... his heart ached to see her like this.

He was just sitting right next to her but, of course, he couldn't do anything to comfort her. As much as he wanted to get close to her, to touch her smooth skin, to caress her cheeks, to brush that wayward (H/C) lock off her forehead, to touch those dainty hands and hold them close to his heart,...

... to lean close to her ear and whisper to her how much he loved her and how much he missed her,...

But, of course, he couldn't do this, for this was a mere illusion. The remnants of her past that was left behind by Galatea, the Bearer of The Past.

The Bearer,... of her Past.

Natasha spoke once more and as Petya translated for her, she went to her stage and prepared herself for another performance, quickly whispering something to the pianist. The notes from the grand piano sounded and the words came out from the mouth of the singer known as Solange.

And as both V and (Y/N) listened to her song, they were both afflicted with something that made them clutch their chests, feeling a strange kind of pain and sadness that instantly brought tears to their eyes. V quickly glanced back at (Y/N) to see her bowing her head down low as she unloaded all of her burden and emotions.

He reached out a hand, wanting to touch her this time. Everything around him lost its color as the movements around him slowly froze. Even Natasha's voice seemed to lose its clarity.

Then, everything finally stopped moving, from the patrons, to Petya, to Natasha, to the Pianist,...

... even (Y/N).

A single tear rolled down her cheeks. He reached out a single finger for the last time to catch it, and when it collided against his skin, the sensation it gave him almost feeling surreal, every single thing before him turned to ash, and it plunged him in total darkness.

V closed his eyes, bringing his finger closer to his lips, giving it a kiss,...

There's a saying old, says that love is blind.

Still we're often told, seek and ye shall find.

So I'm going to seek a certain lad I've had in mind.

Looking everywhere, haven't found him yet.

He's the big affair I cannot forget.

Only man I ever think of with regret.

I'd like to add his initial to my monogram.

Tell me, where is the shepherd for this,...

... lost,...

... lamb,...

The poet opened his eyes upon hearing Natasha's disembodied voice that seemed to come from afar, and when he looked around his dark surroundings, he saw a glimmer of light right before him. He chased the light, and it brought him to visions of recent events,...

... of that tear - stained letter in his hand bearing those heartbreaking lyrics to that song,...

... of him running to the nearest places around the apartment in search of her,...

... of him finally losing his temper and rushing to all the places he knew that she might go to,...

... of his former familiars finally catching up to him to calm him down and urge him to come home after a week of his endless search,...

... of him breaking down in front of Nico, his emotions getting the better of him and his sadness, guilt, and regret of everything that happened within the past couple of weeks going down on him all at once like an unstoppable and devastating storm, tearing him down and making him vulnerable despite the power he acquired.

There's a somebody I'm longin' to see.

I hope that he turns out to be,

Someone who'll watch over me.

I'm a little lamb who's lost in the wood.

I know I could, always be good.

To one who'll watch over me.

He closed his eyes once more, trying to push these painful memories off his tortured mind.

But, alas, he couldn't.

For with eyes wide opened, V could see everything.

And with eyes closed shut, V could see her and only her,...

... of how she looked up at him and smiled at him like he was the only person in her own world that mattered,...

... of how graceful she looked when she walked,...

... of how her cheeks turn red whenever she talked to him,...

... of how she danced for him, baring all her thoughts, and her whole heart, to him,...

... of how she leaned in close to him to give him reassurances that she would never leave him,...

... of how she protected him in her own unique way,...

... of how she sweetly called his name, over and over again,...

Won't you tell him please to put on some speed.

Follow my lead, oh, how I need,

Someone to watch over me.

... of how he doubted her kindness with simple, twisted words uttered by the enemy,...

... of how hurt he felt because he thought she lied to him,..

... of how he rejected her and her feelings that one day when she confessed her own undying affections towards him,...

... of how he thought of planning to mangle her body and expose her for what she truly was, only to find out that he was mistaken,...

... of how he chose power over her and drove the Yamato through her fragile body to acquire the power she has, the power she once used to search for him and to protect him unconditionally,...

... of how she once died before him,...

...

... of how she still loved him despite everything,...

“One of these days, and it won’t be long,

You’ll call my name and I’ll be gone,

Fare thee well, my honey, fare thee well.”

Won't you tell him please to put on some speed.

Follow my lead, oh, how I need,

Someone to watch over me,...

V opened his eyes, his senses finally returning to his own reality. It was already close to twilight, and the others were nowhere to be found as they were probably helping out with the search.

He was sitting at the sofa, his eyes instantly dropping on the things on the glass top table: the vintage record, the old porcelain doll that was Galatea, (Y/N)'s bloody and broken violin,...

... the pair of shoes she once used the first time they met,...

V took one of those shoes, the right one, which she threw and he caught that night, and held it close to his heart.

Then, he remembered his own words to her that day.

“Those feet, my Lady,… I would kiss,… over,… and over again,… if I could,… ”

His eyes stung, his heart feeling that same pang of pain once more. He brought the thing close to his lips, kissing it and pretended on fulfilling that foolish promise of his.

Being left by someone you loved,...

... it hurts.

It hurts so,... damn,... much,... you thought the pain will kill you,…

But, somehow, you’re still alive, and still dealing with the pain, alone and with no one to help you through that endless chain of sadness.

It hurts,…

... doesn't it?

***

XXX

***

🖤 Special thanks to these two wonderful people, namely @vergils-daughter and @capsule-cosplay , for helping me with the Russian and French dialogue and translations, and for giving the names of the Love And Vodka couple Petya and Natasha / Solange. 🖤

🖤 Also to @harlot-of-oblivion for teaching me something about the beautiful Language Of The Flowers to get one important and secret message across. 🖤

🖤 And to @brattyvitale , who I've briefly talked to in the past regarding the topic of break - ups, and for simply being a really nice and graceful person. Thank you so much. 🖤

🖤 @la-vita , @micaelagua , @yepps , @beyond-the-mirror , @ceruleanworld , @ehrzeth , @boundbysoul , @diabeticsugarush , @simmy-ships , @gothghoulfiend , @lessy86 , @heaven-on-a-landslide , and @krazy06 . 🖤

***

🖤🖤🖤

***

[toycarousel]

some advice? Please dont laugh when I say this. I'm transgender, ftm, but I dont like being called transgender, I just want to be called male. But at the same time,I'm african american, and dont want to be an african american male. The very thought scares me to no end and makes me want to not bother with transitioning. My therapist says that my dysmorphia and dysphoria are too conflicting to do anything with, but I dont want to stay as I am. So I'm at an stalemate. Idk what to do next. Advice?

(Disclaimer: I’m not a therapist or any sort of medical professional, so I can only offer my opinions + advice, but if anything feels off to you at all, then totally feel free to ignore it!)

Of course I’m not gonna laugh, Anon, and I don’t get why anyone would -- you’re in a very, very difficult, painful position, and a LOT of therapists aren’t great at figuring out the tentative balance of understanding who a patient is, what a patient needs, what a patient wants, and which steps they need to take with said patient in order to not harm that person... it can definitely take time.  If they’re a good fit for you, they’ll become better at understanding that balance (and also doing their proper research) as they get to know you more, and will offer more helpful options if they’re open-minded about trying a variety of angles instead of just sticking to their little therapy scripts, esp when those scripts don’t always apply neatly to every individual.

I’m not trans (and I’m white), so I could be totally off on a bunch of what I’m about to say (plus everyone’s experiences are different regardless), but I have met a few different people who don’t want to refer to themselves -- or be referred to as -- transgender.  Though their birth assignment doesn’t align with who they are, which fits the definition of “trans”, the term itself just... doesn’t work for them, specifically, and I think I can understand that.  I was born intersex (a person with mixed physical sex characteristics -- many that I didn’t even find out about until much later in life), but I wouldn’t consider that to be a huge part of me, or a defining way to describe my own relationship with gender.  For example, I wouldn’t want to be referred to as “that intersex person”, by other people, unless it was genuinely medically relevant in that moment.

So what I’m personally interpreting from what you’ve written here is that you don’t want the bodily aspect of things to be this constant focus of what your experience in life is, regarding gender.  Since cisgender (and also many intersex men, tbh) get to be referred to as just men, then you should be able to have that same thing, if it feels right for you, imo.  You being what other people would define as “trans” doesn’t make you less of a man regardless, so, ultimately, it’s fair to just want to be referred to as a man, same as all other men.

Wrt to you not wanting to be an African American male due to the terror you feel associated with that specific combo of identities -- well, that sounds incredibly tough for you to be going through, and to try to reconcile! And it’s something I can’t personally imagine (I wish I could help more, so I’ll just offer what I can, but again, if anything sounds off to you, feel free to disregard what I’m saying!) 

I can think of a lot of reasons off the top of my head as to why a person would be terrified to be a black man, but the ones that come to mind for me are things like: having to face an increased risk of police brutality, racism, other stereotypes, other ppl’s expectations as to who you should be -- all those types of wide-reaching social reasons.  But I also don’t know if those reasons are your specific reasons for being terrified of being an African American male, you know? Like on a personal level.  I can take a guess at more specific, internal reasons you might have, but that would be me kinda doing armchair therapy, so I won’t deep-dive there -- however, it’s always a good idea, and appropriate, for you to do some of that intense self-examination, you know? And I’m sure you and your therapist have done a lot of that already, but if you haven’t yet written down your exact reasons for this particular terror, maybe try that out! It’s one of the skills we learn in DBT (and other forms of therapy that I’ve been through).

I’d write out separate pages for each specific thought.  For example, one page listing the reasons/thoughts/emotions as to why you don’t feel comfortable with being labelled as trans (the ways in which it doesn’t apply to you, how you feel when someone does apply it, etc).  And another sheet listing the reasons/thoughts/emotions as to why being an African American man would terrify you, VS just being African American in general.  Again, your reasons for not wanting to be referred to a certain way are totally valid, Anon! These sorts of sheets/journaling exercises are just to help you feel like you have a more solid grasp on where your own emotions are coming from, and to give you something physical to hold onto when you want to explain it in more detail to yourself and your therapist! 

A really, really, really helpful sort of worksheet/mindfulness activity to help us figure out what we’re feeling is this one I also learned in DBT (a form of therapy that is just ridiculously helpful for everyone, imo), and may help with writing out the things I mentioned above.  These are called behaviour chain analysis worksheets, and are usually used to prevent a behaviour that you want to stop engaging in, but what they also ultimately do is help ppl unravel thoughts, emotions -- your primary emotion is especially important to know, because that’s something you can then target with your therapist.  Here’s some info on how to do one: https://www.verywellmind.com/how-to-do-a-chain-analysis-for-problem-behaviors-2797587

And a basic worksheet version (it can rly help to have on-hand, so it can be written down and you can check it out whenever you need to).  https://www.dbtselfhelp.com/html/behavior_chain_analysis.html

Like, for example, say you do one of these sheets to figure out the primary emotion behind bodily dysmorphia.  Say the behaviour was that you snapped at a friend for making a comment about your body, and you want to know why exactly you snapped at them (what about their comment hurt enough to elicit the reaction), and prevent it in the future.  The behaviour chain analysis is a space where you can write down what the behaviour was.  In this example it’d be; “Behaviour: Snapped At Friend”, and then you write down the initial feelings you had associated with it, and the thoughts that went with those feelings.  

Eventually, for example, say that you thought the reason you snapped at them was anger (which is by definition, a secondary emotion -- secondary emotions aren’t less important than primary emotions, but they’re the emotions that happen after primary emotions, sometimes mere seconds after), but when you look at the thoughts you wrote down that you experienced in the moment you snapped at the friend, and dig a little deeper, say it turned out that the primary emotion (the one that happened before the thoughts, and before the secondary emotions) wasn’t anger, but actually shame.

(I’m not saying yours will be shame btw, I just like using shame as an example, because a lot of my own thoughts and feelings and behaviours and inner conflicts are rooted in shame).

So then that gives you something solid to show yourself, but also to bring to your therapist.  Instead of the therapist focusing on only the thoughts and feelings that they’re visibly seeing in you in a session, they now know that you’re struggling with underlying shame, or sorrow, or grief, or disgust, or fear, or whatever the primary emotions end up being for you.  Then the therapist can more easily help you through tackling the dysmorphia, and any unwanted behaviours and thoughts + emotions associated with it.  And being able to tackle one of the things you’re struggling with in the ask you sent me above means that the dysphoria may start to make more sense for you in the same context as the dysmorphia -- and, hopefully, there will eventually be less of a conflict between the two, or at least they’ll be more understandable, even if they’re entirely separate from each other.

Since you’re not yet sure you want to transition due to these very genuine inner conflicts, then, like, I get why your therapist isn’t going ahead with it, but I also don’t want you to have to stagnate with therapy, or be denied the sense of progress, or with generally getting to know yourself either -- I want you to have the opportunity to live a life that feels right for you, but without the various intense fears associated with that! And I know that it’s fully possible, and will likely just take time, and support, and a willingness to unravel some things that... are probably gonna hurt a lot to unravel.  So you should definitely make sure you’re ready to unpack those things and are doing it with a professional you trust; and that you have outside support networks as well (friends, family, whoever is close to you that you can talk to).

Remember that there’s absolutely no time limit on when you can and can’t transition, if you choose to in the future! Plus, there are ways of transitioning that aren’t All The Way, you know? Reversible things you can do (which may have been what you were asking for from the start, ahahaha! My apologies for my wordiness in this response :’)

There are obvs options like binding, packing, etc., that you probably already know about (and know more about than me, tbh).  But you can also try other things out too -- there are certain types of makeup techniques/contouring for a more masculine look, more natural forms of altering hormones (if you feel safe doing so, and your doctor suggests any safe options -- definitely research this one thoroughly ahead of time).  

A legal change of name can also switch up how you feel a whole lot, if you’re ready/able to do so, (and if not, even just asking ppl to refer to you by a name that you choose, or a variety of different names, depending on whether you’re not sure which one fits yet; it’s always okay to change your mind wrt these things).  

Changing your wardrobe drastically can also rly alter how other ppl view and treat you, and I know there are resources online, and many on this site (mainly written by ppl who use the term trans for themselves, but that will hopefully be helpful to you as well), that have clothing swap links, and other suggestions as to more transition-related things you can do to move forward, while also not making any decisions that feel too permanent! Here are some of the links/resources along that vein that I could find:

https://transclothesexchange.tumblr.com/ (clothing exchanges)

https://transguys.com/style/trans-clothing-exchanges (clothing exchanges)

https://thebodyisnotanapology.tumblr.com/post/97564996149/transgender-resources (resources in general, including general body positivity, which could be incredibly helpful during especially dysmorphic and/or dysphoric times!) 

https://advicefromabro.tumblr.com/gi (I think this is an older post, but it mentions an app that will allow you to find a gender-neutral or safe bathroom, if that’s currently a concern for you!)

https://transstudiesarchive.tumblr.com/post/168139537672/transgender-resources-masterpost (looks like this one has some resources for African American people as well, among a variety of races)

https://nonbinary-support.tumblr.com/resources (this one has some links regarding name changes and tips for choosing a name, if that’s something that you’re interested in!)

https://transgenderteensurvivalguide.tumblr.com/post/147789231360/makeup-tips-for-ftm-people (some makeup and skincare tips for men!)

(I hope some of these are helpful for you, Anon! I’m sorry that they use language that doesn’t apply to you, it’s just what came up when I researched these tips -- but I think these are resources that could be helpful for anyone in a similar boat, not strictly trans ppl!)

In any case, whatever you do and don’t do, you can always choose who you are and how you represent yourself.  There are some physical aspects to a body that cannot be changed, or can only be changed with medical intervention, and some aspects of appearance that will always be there (skin colour, etc), but these things don’t define who you are.  I dunno how helpful this will be, but I wanted to also leave you with this; you may have certain body parts, but they aren’t your gender, or the sum of you.  People might assign labels like “trans” to you, but that doesn’t make them right, or you wrong.  You’re African American, but that’s not the sum of you either.  Your race, your gender, these are important aspects of our lives in the sense that they inform our experiences in a lot of ways, but they aren’t Who You Are.  “African American male” may be something a doctor writes on a sheet for you someday, or maybe not, but regardless, it says nothing about you as a person:  

It doesn’t tell anyone what you love, what you dislike, what makes you happy, your hobbies and interests, what you’re good at, what you want to become good at, your dreams, your goals, your personal achievements, those little things in life that make you smile sometimes, your complexities, your favourite colour, a place you’d love to go, a place you already like to go when you want to be alone, or somewhere or something you want to share with a loved one someday, a movie scene that made you cry, whether or not you’re an animal person/want pets (or already have them), your lifelong habits, embarrassing things you did when you were younger, how deeply and wonderfully you affect the people in your life, stories you may have created, your sense of beauty and style, a song or a poem that speaks to you, your sense of humour... all these things are yours.  No matter where you are in life right now, and no matter where you want to be in the future! No one has the right to define you but you -- and no one can take that from you. 

Happy New Year, Anon! And best of wishes~!!! : D

[dissociatedabyss]

just need to put this whole therapy session down and i feel like it was “successful” so i want to share it

TW for anything related to the end of the world, the rapture, religion, church; idk i guess thats it im pretty vague i think

started therapy talking about this fear of the world ending and us never seeing our family again. i explained how it felt impossible to comfort this part, and she asked something about an antecedent. she asked if there were ever a time in my childhood that i had this fear.

the first thing i mentioned was learning about the rapture. i can’t distinctly recall learning about it in church, but i know i did. i knew that one day, randomly, the sky would open up and angels would come down and take the good people to heaven while everyone else perished with the earth (as i wrote this i felt a part cry out that they want to stay on earth). i shared how the other day amidst inner chatter related to this ongoing anxiety, one of us thought something like “well yeah we were (under 10) years old in 2012 when they said the world would end!” and a different part followed with “...what’re you talking about we were 16” so clearly a young part was around then when we were feeling that anxiety even though we “knew” it wasn’t real and couldn’t really be predicted. we had a basketball tournament on that date, and i remember joking about it all day with my friends like “haha if the world starts crumbling in the middle of our game i’m gonna take my jersey off and run around screaming” and that humor was probably a defense against the fear i felt.

but then we focused on my childhood as a whole. she called it hell herself after i spoke about it. and i guess i tend to see it from an adults perspective now, but the young ones in me know.. it was hell. it was constant chaos. that’s the easiest way to describe it. i spent my childhood escaping it. she asked me how i coped with it and managed and i said i didn’t know. i just went to school. i played sports. hung out with friends as much as i could. and when i couldn’t avoid it, i turned to maladaptive tools. as a child. she said “it may not have been a conscious thought, but as a child living there, everyday you were afraid the world was going to end for you”.

and i thought yeah that makes sense, but why would i want to spend the end of the world with my family then.. and she said i was probably scared to lose them and when i thought about that, i told her it never really stuck out to me until now that no matter how much i vented to my friends about shit.. i never once opened my mouth to an adult or anyone similar that would result in attention on what was going on at home. because then my world really would have ended.

so helping this part see where the fear is coming from, rather than trying to reassure her that these things won’t happen, is the route to go i suppose. and then we spoke about a part that we became really unsure about after we ended with our last therapist and occasionally believe he never existed. and some things clicked into place that made me understand why its hard to distinguish him and how that distorted our view of another part who we initially thought had “two sides”. i dont think he enjoyed being discovered the first time, i dont think he is now either.. 😅sorry man.. she helped me figure it out i was barely trying to. 

this has been so much and we’ve become increasingly dissociated and honestly really unsettled. i think i need to write more in our actual journal but this part is not happy about everything i thought about (not even related to the main theme of this post) so okay thanks for reading this long ass post lmao