#i dont ever feel like im actually GOING to do it though bc ik my self preservation instinct is too intact

[phagodyke]

ugh had to get up bc I'm too awake to fall back asleep and started getting hunger cramps

[kaisfruit]

Hiiii loved your first first about kai!

Could I request a one shot or headcanon about each of the ninja and how they would pleasure a fem!reader pls?

How they pleasure you | All ninja x fem!reader headcanons

a/n: omg tysm for my first ask <3 this is like,,one of the few times ive ever written nsfw so!! i hope its okay :3 also im gonna leave out lloyd cuz ik technically he's an adult but idk it's still a bit weird imo warnings: nsfw under the cut (duh),cunnilingus (cole, zane, nya) , slight size kink mention in cole's part, degradation in kai's part, inappropriate usage of elemental ability (jay), umm thats all i can think of im srry if i missed anything ^^

Cole

Ugh idec he's a big guy. is that a collective hc that the whole fandom can agree on? i think so

def uses that size to his advantage when y'all are alone together

I'm talking like MANHANDLING

only if u ask tho cuz cmon we all know he is such a caring guy he would always take your wants and boundaries into account

okay, my horrible down bad size kink out of the way-

mans has a big appetite (wink wink)

goes down on you like no other. like, he treats your pussy like it's breakfast, lunch, dinner, AND DESSERT babes

there would be no breaks with him. i cant say this enough, but he is eating you out like a man starved

overstimulation bound to happen srry i dont make the rules

he would NOT ask for anything in return

this man is the biggest giver when it comes to sex oh my lorddd

you're in charge but like he is if you know what i mean?

like he does what he knows you love, but on his own terms

ur in the bed and he's just instantly pinning you down yk using that strength of his, spreading your legs as far as the can go, and boom diving in head first

srry i could fill up like 3 posts of just cole eating you out im that passionate abt this topic

Kai

Plays with your pleasure like it's a damn toy

This man is the biggest tease ever

Though, his teasing does lean a bit towards minor body worshipping bc he's just everywhere

Marking you up with hickeys wherever he can get his damn mouth

Hands? can barely keep track of their movements. One second they're playing with your tits the next he's two fingers deep in your pussy

Let's just say he's taking his time here just to make the actual sex feel absolutely amazing on your end

But rlly it gets him going seeing you all whiny beneath him at his never ending touches

it's a win-win if you think about it

THAT DAMN MOUTH.

kai is not the guy for u if ur not down for a bit of degradation because DAMN

he has to come second place to jay in the yapping awards bc he's always saying smthn during the act

he pays attention though. listens or feels your reactions to every filthy thing he whispers to you.

absolutely ruins u for anyone else. gl w this man yall <3

Zane

He is so damn PRECISE??

Like, how does he know exactly how to touch you in that spot in order to get that reaction?

LOVES i mean like absolutely LOVES fingering you

being able to watch you come undone on just his fingers? god it is everything to him

will also add his tongue into the mix bc even tho hes a robot he cannot get enough of ur taste

just so calculated w every movement

bro made sex into a science 😭😭

tells you how good you're doing for him, how perfect you look, etc.

loves praising you bc it's the honest truth of how he feels about you

tbh 50% of the pleasure he gives u is from the pure love u can feel with every slight touch, every kiss, everything

soft dom vibes iykwim

REFUSES to even try to get himself off if he hasnt attended to you first

also an extreme giver like

he would get rid of entire body parts if it meant making u feel even better during sex

okay thats hyperbole but like

this nindroid has so much love in his robot heart for u and he needs u to KNOWWWW

Nya

A GIRL'S GIRL U ALREADY KNOW WHAT IT IS

she has all of these boys BEAT when it comes to pleasuring u bc of her same gender advantage

her head will stay in between your legs until you are absolutely SCREAMING her name

that fact fills her with immense amounts of pride btw

i see her as giving u a good mix of gentle and rough touches that like come together to make the most intense feeling ever??? if that makes sense

she's so good w her mouth like,,,everywhere

her favorite place to have her mouth is on ur pussy ofc, but she could also give a vampire a run for their money with how attached to ur neck she is

marks litter your neck

she's so good at finding that one little sweet spot that makes your body squirm

tends to multitask as well

like if she's currently a knuckle deep in your hole then you can also probably find her mouth licking and sucking at one of your nipples

everything she does to you is just so confusing in the best way possible

Jay

everything with him is just so fast-paced

he barely gives you any time to catch your breath in between anything

just one thing after another with jay

it mostly comes from his overzealous nature

your body makes him feel like a kid in a candy store im not even gonna lie. there's so much he could be doing he doesn't even know where to start

constantly talking. what did you expect from the motormouth himself?

half of it's mumbles of how gorgeous or how breathtaking you are and the other half is just downright filthy

honestly that second part would be such a turn on cuz u wouldn't have expected it from jay

the first time he used his element on you it was an accident

he didn't even realized it happened at first. he felt you jolt at the sensation and his first instinct was to apologize instantly, but he never even had a chance as he felt how you clenched down on his fingers and the moan u let out would forever be ingrained in his brain

from that point on, he's constantly looking for the best opportunity to let the smallest current just give a little tingle to your skin

jay really knows how to keep things interesting <3

[kyri45]

i remember seeing your first (or second? cant remember) part of the shadowpeach bioparent au comic around the time it was posted and thought 'oh cool, welp thats the end of that let me see some other lmk fanart' and honestly i never thought it would come this far bc most lmk aus that catch my eye rarely go over 2-3 parts, or beyond concept art. you have no idea how much it means to me that you are working on this comic (though no pressure ofc feel free to take breaks any time ik youve got another comic youre working on as well) because you portray lmk characters in such a perfect way i dont see very often, and i mean it ive consumed SO much lmk art. im mostly referring to shadowpeach because a lot of ppl are portraying them as a romantic couple or complicated romance, but in general i enjoy platonic ships more, and you do it in such a way that it just tickles my brain sometimes. also even though they (especially macaque) act in a way you wouldnt see in the show like, ever, the entire series of events that lead to many of their 'unusual' behaviors and conversations actually makes it feel canon-according. i rarely see that and even have struggles with portraying them like that myself, so youre literally one of my top favorite artists atm for that one (your artstyle is so yum too).

anyway make sure to take care of yourself and drink enough water and eat and get enough sleep! i hope youre doing well!!

AGHDMHSMFYS THANK YOU!!! Tysm for this message i literally weep :’)

[ominous-horse-noises]

final finale thoughts!!

things i loved about the finale

QUEER GODDESS PATHEON YEAAAAAAH!!! i thought it was such a good way to find a happy medium between kristen committing to a worldview that felt authentic and nuanced without being catholic™ about it

everything to do with the scene of Ankarna trying to offer retribution to each of the bad kids, and each of them making peace with past wrongs instead of continuing to stew in it. i love growth!!!

FIG AND KRISTEN MIRRORING ANKARNA AND CASSANDRA

everything to do with mazey and fabian. of all the fantasy high couples aside from fidayda, these two feel the most like they make sense together- they have similar interests, they have similar values, fabian had a crush on her even when she was being 'uncool' (eg. twister) and how mazey actually picked up on that and appreciated the way he used his perceived coolness to extend it to others who might be picked on otherwise. this is the couple i most hope go the distance even post aguefort adventuring academy (again, aside from figayda ofc but i literally cannot imagine those girls breaking up over anything)

fabian's fetus sibling outnemesising him despite fabian building an animosity towards them the whole season before they were even conceived. peak fantasy high insanity

controversial but i thought the maryann/gorgug being introduced and canonised in all of 15 minutes was hilarious. it was very teen of them in a way that felt authentic. my ideal scenario for them is an end of year fling that becomes amicable exes bc they truly have nothing in common beyond thinking the other is hot (real of them) but i dont have a strong opinion on whether they should break up or not

also maybe controversial but i like that kalina is straight up bloodthirsty. she felt like an equal opposite to bakur- rather than being a devoted servant who became corrupted by proxy, she was trying to corrupt her deity into a form she preferred. thematically it extends to the complementary opposites thing ankarna and cassandra have going on (though i get it might be a reach).

"... thats a four. you know what it's for we don't have to talk about it"

squeem

riz coming in clutch with the character arc right at the last moment. i joked ab his neuroticism being part of his natural swag, but im glad murph not only made sure riz FINALLY addressed the way he was burning himself out, but also that by extension, he was burning out both fig and kristen bc riz has a very calculated idea of 'success' and while he had the best intentions, those two dont fit neatly into it

THE HOLD PERSON OVER THE LAVA??? RIZ'S 'very good on paper, but no practical application."??? i screamed

a second blimey-related divine intervention roll by K2 leading her to getting pinnochioed into a real straight british girl, in real non-dnd britain, is the best thing thats ever happened in fantasy high. a simulacrum was so powerful brennan had to do the dnd equivalent of sending her to a barn upstate.

adaine and aelwyn talking about killing their mother over icecream can be something that is so personal...

siobhan's incredible play with the earworm??? phenomenal, i gasped out loud

fig maybe moving into fabian's house even after she drops out so fabian won't be alone again... what if i threw up blood actually

i liked kipperlilly copperkettle being confirmed to be rotten to the core. 'the ritual looks very different when one accepts rage willingly' GOOD!!! i like evil ambitious teenage girls who try to burn the world down to get what they want. i get why they didnt bring her back, that detail definitely cemented her as in the zayne/penelope category of 'past villains who could possibly be redeemed'

FIG AND AYDA MY LOVES!!! sorry but not even the lesbian goddesses are doing it like these two. brennan put his whole pussy into creating ayda aguefort and my life has been changed forever

zac once again dming K2's alternate universe campaign

things i hated

ik it was payoff to the running bit and it made me cackle when it was revealed, but the implications of hallariel and gilear having a baby are so bad to me. fig talks up gilear a lot, and sure, he came around to being a good dad to her, but gilear has objectively been a shit stepdad to fabian and hallariel... is hallariel. its got to sting was watch your mom be basically catatonic for your entire life, and then suddenly prove that she was capable of being an present mother the whole time- just not for you. im hopeful that senior year will address this though!! lou has always been so good giving his characters' weighty emotional arcs that feel satisfying

i dont like the implication of trackerbees getting back together. i never thought bladebees was good beyond a realistic rebound, but trackerbees was SO codependent together, i dont think its a coincidence that kristen had her best emotional intelligence moments when forced to think things through on her own. tracker always struck me as kind of a 'fixer' type, like she feels most comfortable with someone she can act caretaker-y to (hence bouncing off kristen to another girl who had similar issues). i really reaaaally hope they dont regress back into their s2 dynamic

ruben's memory wipe. i thiiink the implication is that those who were the most willing to follow through on porter's orders maintained more of their memories bc they were in control of themselves and those who didn't were compelled into obedience (which might be why ivy and oisin remember more), but it wouldve been nice to actually see the lucy/ruben close friendship brennan said they had with him sobbing and apologising to her

it felt very weird that kristen didnt get some kind of resolution to her yearlong gentle prodding at bucky?? i think ally got sidetracked with the possibility of kristen getting back together with her ex that it kind of slipped from their mind (maybe bc to them the ankarna vision of her upbringing was kristen resolving her feelings towards her family but still), but considering all of elmville was coming apart, i feel like bucky's faith could've been swaying into doubt pretty easily. idk maybe bc ive become a trackerbees hater over the season but it felt annoying that that was what ally focused in on and not their character's more meaningful relationship with her little brother

[66sharkteeth]

I just wanted to say that even though I'm a mostly silent reader, never really commenting on episodes and rarely interacting on the discord, CoB is by far my absolute favorite comic I've probably ever read. I dont doubt for a second that there are many more out there like me, silently gushing over every new episode and excitedly theorizing with their friends.

Even when CoB reaches its end, I will 100% be sticking around for anything else you make.

thank you. im ngl, there's a big irrationality in me that feels like im only writing this comic for like 15 people sometimes. ik that's completely untrue, but it can really feel like that, especially when i step outside the bubble of webtoon and try to share or talk about the comic anywhere else. i've full on just...stopped posting on instagram, because it's just so defeating and exhausting every time i post. I know there's more than 15 people reading my work, but boy its harder to tell myself that every time I post outside of webtoon. i only continue to post here because i've put no effort into growing this so i don't feel as disappointed when only 20 of my 700k followers on webtoon see it.

ik this completely dismisses my silent followers, which i know there are a lot of, and i'm trying really hard to account for them. but man, it's really hard. and i dont think how lonely the process is helps either. i remember numbers never used to bug me as much when i had a close friend to gush about OCs and ideas with, but now that i just gotta kind of do it all myself and be my own cheerleader with nobody to gush about upcoming stuff to, its doubly defeating when it finally posts and nobody's that excited. i don't know how i can feel so alone when there's a good amount of people who follow me, but the whole thing is an incredibly isolating process and it's just gotten so much worse with declining readership and algorithms doing everything they can to make sure nobody sees my work.

sorry if i veered off a bit, but it's been on my mind lately haha. i appreciate every reader so much, silent and vocal. like no seriously, you guys are literally the only thing keeping me going bc i know we're supposed to "create for ourselves" and stuff, but i think most people at least have a friend or partner that they're gushing about their OCs and stuff with, but i just have you guys lol. so thank you for reading, enjoying, and giving me someone to actually share my creations with.

[my-castles-crumbling]

Hi Cas!

ik this is unfair of me but sometimes i wish that i could tell my friends about my problems? for context in our culture what happens behind closed doors stays behind them basically we dont discuss shit that happens in our families with outsiders and i subconsciously do that as well but heres the thing, i wish that i could tell my friends and honestly nothing is really stopping me and i even start but then i cant find it in me to follow through with it and sometimes they insist and i refuse and this repeats twice or thrice and i keep telling them to leave it alone and then they actually do ik it's selfish of me to wish i could tell them when they ask after i bring it up and im the one who doesnt want to but it never feels natural and i just wish telling them was easy bc im a private person and i dont like opening up and theyve been my best friends for years and i couldnt have asked for better friends but i just cant tell them and i feel so alone bc i never tell anyone but i dont think they'd understand even if i did and every time i cry im alone and i have no one to turn to and i can feel a literal empty hole in my heart and the thing is one of my friends tells me all her friends and the others do as well and ik their problems at the very least a decent amount and i just wish there was someone exactly like me who i could tell but there isnt and ik i can always tell my friends but i dont want to ruin it bc im also fucked up on so many levels and if i start telling them i might end up telling them about those parts and theyll never see me the same way again and i wouldve ruined some of the best friendships ive ever had and i cant even tell my parents bc theyre responsible for a good amount of my problems and i always feel sad and like a disappointment and failure and no one ever understands bc i have it better than them and if i told some people theyd use it against me even if they understood so theres no one i could even tell and i js wish i had one of those friendships where telling this shit is natural and easy and mutual and not me hearing everything but ik it's my fault bc im the one holding back even when they try to insist but i wish theyd be more insistent even though ik id never tell them i js wish they cared about me the way i do about them

im sorry for js dumping this all on you but letting it out anonymously is just easier than telling people who actually know me

Hi!

Honestly, my wife has the same problem so I'm going to tell you what I tell her.

First, how do you know these people are your friends when you aren;t even giving them the chance to be friends to you? You have to give them a chance to help you and show you love you know? I know you're afraid they'll leave if you share those parts of yourself but at the same time, if you don't, they're not real friends anyway, you know?

Second, you're judging people before anything happens! You're not giving them a chance. And I get it- it's NOT easy. But you're saying you wish they care about you like you do them, but you're not giving them a chance.

It's scary, and some people will let you down. But at the same time, if you never let people in, you never have a chance of making those deep connections. It's worth it to take the risk, I promise <3

I'm sending love!

[maygrcnt]

okay so I’ve really been thinking about tommy calling buck evan (irrationally thinking about it idk why it’s bothering me) bc why are they doing that? there has to be a reason bc I’d say all his past love interests have called him buck with maybe the odd evan thrown in there when the moment is serious. and technically we don’t get to see tommy and buck’s first interaction on screen bc they’re already in the helicopter when we first see them. and I was thinking chim would’ve obviously introduced eddie and buck to tommy and I would guess he would’ve said “hey this is eddie and this is buck” since that’s what they go by. like he wouldn’t use their government names lool. and then through out the helicopter journey everyone only referred to buck as buck so tommy know’s everyone calls him buck. like at this point does he even know his real name? I would guess not since everyone’s calling him buck. and then I was thinking when buck called tommy to set up the tour he most definitely introduced himself as “buck” since again, everyone was referring to him as “buck” on the helicopter. UNLESS buck said “hey Tommy it’s Evan Buckley - buck from the helipcopter…” BUT even then, it just doesn’t make sense why he’s calling him evan. like when eddie comes to the hangar, eddie calls him “buck” but again, they make it a point to have tommy call him Evan even after that. and they do this all the way through out the episode even though everyone else is calling him buck in the same moments!!! so why is tommy insisting on using his government name?! like ik he called chim “howie” but that makes sense since tommy knew chim as howie but with buck, he met him as buck!!! not as evan !! AND he’s calling Eddie “Eddie” and not edmundo so it’s clearly not that he doesn’t like nicknames Lmao. AND also, I find it weird that buck doesn’t correct him? like I dunno I just feel like he would? he’s corrected his parents in the past and when chim called him evan that one time he was like ???? and again, I understand he’s a love interest but his past LI’s didn’t even call him evan like that yet they had tommy drop evan like 50 times and for what??? has to be something right? I’m trying to think what exactly is could be but my best guess is the name thing will come up on the date or at some point and buck will tell tommy the origin of “buck” and why he isn’t called evan commonly and then maybe tommy will switch to buck?? Or maybe buck with let him call him evan ??? Idk but yeah the Evan thing has been keeping me up at night LOL pls help

big fan of how you went on such a journey there and didnt come to a conclusion because relatble. heres where my head is at personally and stick with me because im gonna start in a strange place

so this show isnt a stranger to name symbolism, natalia literally means birth or rebirth. so buck dating the girl whos name means fresh start after he DIES makes sense, but in a sort of insane irony way i think the death of that relationship was actually supoosed to be the "rebirth" in a sense

and since hes being given this "clean slate" (to throw us back to the last breakup because bucktaylor breakup is literally one of my fav scenes ever) theyre starting us off in a territory we've never been in by showing us through the most prominent symbolism possible. this one seems different because it IS different, and heres one thing this LI is doing that no other LI did, just to prove it.

I do think the other effect of this choice though is that is DOES make us uncomfortable. thats not a name that gets thrown around lightly so to hear it roll off someones tongue like its an everyday occurance rightfully makes us a little apprehensive. I think it could be a clever storytelling technique so as to say this is something that seems looks and feels really good on the surface, but they are throwing in that one little element that provides us with a little unease so that we dont get too comfortable sitting here.

[our-arospec-experience]

(srry if this is a long rant or somewhat vent-ish but i rlly need to get this off my chest or maybe get some advice about it)

(also tw bc there is a mention of suicide in this)

I've been in a qpr for a little bit with this friend of mine and im starting to wonder if i want to get out of it, if qprs were actually for me and starting to ponder how we got together too...

my friend (alloromantic <- this is context for later) was actually the one who asked me if I wanted to be in a qpr because a while before I'd mentioned the term and she'd asked me to explain it - which i did to my best ability. She'd been broken up with not long before that and this, along with other factors such as the fact that I kinda have struggle with saying no bc I dont like upsetting people - especially people I'm very close to and I didn't want to completely ruin our friendship bc I knew that she can be a bit emotive and this would rlly make things awkward for us led me to saying yes and getting into a qpr with her. I'd only rejected one other person who asked if I wanted to be in a qpr and that was over text where i could get my thoughts out coherently and also because i knew that friend wouldn't ghost me or anything.

Anyway, we were already pretty close so actually it didn't change much about our friendship other then the fact that she kissed me on the cheek one time.

We communicated what we were fine with (hand holding, hugs, occasional kisses - usually forehead or cheek though) and other things - one of the things I told her straight away was that if she wanted a romantic partner she was free to tell me she no longer wanted to be in a qpr. I knew that she was a very emotive and attached person - she has admitted to the fact that she likes to shower her romantic partner with affection, focuses a lot of energy on them and can be a little more clingy and also that she's rlly not open to poly in those sorts of things (romance - she said it was chill in a qpr but neither of us got other qpp anyway). So I wanted her to know she had an out straight away and that she should know that if she ever wanted to get out of this qpr esp for a romantic partner or honestly *any* reason it'd be fine. She agreed but told me she wouldn't ever actually need to do that.

Anyway, time went by and it seemed like we were drifting apart and we were actually more distant *after* labelling ourselves qpp then before we had. At some points I kinda got it bc during exam season she was rarely talking to anyone and not rlly online, plus we were still decently close within classes so i thought it was fine - though there'd also be moments where she would clearly forget that we were even in a qpr until some sort of like, idk, trigger word was said and she'd turn to me and be like "oh yeah! we're in one of those! :)"

And then she got a bf and it kinda got worse - don't get me wrong i'm rlly happy for her and in full support, in fact I was the one who told her she should go through with confessing cause I could see that it was eating her up from the inside - but I was right about her putting a lot of focus on him. She'd constantly talk about him in class or over text and gushed about things that he'd made her or she'd made him and i'd sit besides her as she talked about how they wanted to be the same thing in the future and about how she was already kinda planning their future. Additionally she even stopped doing stuff that she had previously labelled completely platonic like holding my hand (probably bc the way that her morals are wired she probably saw it as a bit of a betrayal) and idek if her bf knew that we were in a qpr in the first place (then again - she did forget and only remembered again on like the last couple of days on the leadup to the end of school but that didn't change her behaviour).

And though Ik that obviously i should respect her boundaries (which I do) i wish that she'd just quickly told me stuff like "hey i got a bf so i dont rlly feel comfy doing such and such.." instead of pretty much just stopping out of the blue. Additionally i kinda wish one of us would end the qpr but she's barely ever online anymore and i dont see her irl till school starts and once again, i'm *terrified* of hurting her. she's a rlly close friend and also has had some mental issues surrounding depression in the past and also has told me that she has a fear of being left behind/not good enough for the ppl she loves/hurting her loved ones and though ik that now adays she relies on her bf more for that now (which i admit prolly isnt that healthy) and we dont rlly talk as much i still never want to hurt her like that esp since literally one of the first times we talked in a while (still during the school term) was where i stopped her from almost taking her own life. (she's gotten a lot better since then and having her bf around seems to have genuinley helped heaps with that which is another reason to why im happy for them - bc i love when my friends are happy)

And honestly idk how to feel about it, she's my first qpr and im wondering if i even wanted one in the first place - the only other person who's ever asked me was another friend who i was super close to and she did it online - i gave myself some time to think before answering and turned her down which she took rlly well! On the other hand with this one she asked me after school and I needed to catch a bus - I'd talked about qprs a lot and a part of me felt like I wanted one or i *should* be wanting one - so even though at the time I wasn't rlly sure I said yes - additionally she's a pretty emotive person and i knew that if i rejected her there was a possibility that it'd be awkward for months and i didn't wanna ruin my friendship like that. I'm starting to think that maybe i said yes more out of my fear of hurting her and ruining a great friendship then out of the fact that I *actually* wanted a qpr bc the more i think about it the more i realise that i like the idea of a qpr more then i like the practice in actuality.

Anyways this is kinda a jumbled mess i feel and there might be some stuff that's repeated, but i appreciate you reading it and any advice you happen to have.

I'm sorry anon, I'm not the greatest at relationship advice. Do you have someone you trust irl that you could talk to about this? They may know an approach that would help you and your qpp better than I will.

[toyfii]

jst a vent, cw small sui mention, some gender stuff, self image

if I weren't used to being ignored + scared of being ignored, i would be the nicest person ever. lol im scared of saying nice things to ppl bec i think i seem creepy and invasive all the time. thats why they always ignore me, right? theyre probably uncomfortable, i did something wrong i acted too weird im not like this, usually i just stay silent and know my place, why would a disgusting creature like medare talk to them and expect a response?

and then all the little friendships that couldve been beautiful.. they all fall apart and i avoid looking them in the eyes and pretend i dont see them, and i get out of my way to avoid them and avoid walking past them at any costs. even if i literally have to hide and wait, or walk in the opposite direction of where i was.

this happens to all the people i like (including online ppl too) i just stop responding to messages properly, or i pretend I'm not online bc i think that whatever i say is going to make you upset and uncomfortable and creeped out.

i def internalize all the complaints about men that i see online. ik that's probs where the fear of being creepy and invasive comes from. bc i was born with XY chromosomes and have short hair and facial hair and body hair and a wider bofy and broader shoulders and deeper voice and wear the same gross ugly clothes every time i go out and so i must be like them i must be gross and apathetic and objectifying and i must be acting in an invasive way im probably objectifying them im probably making them scared i should kill myself, people say all men should die so why cant i just do that already? obviously nobody needs me and it seems like so many people actually WANT me to disapprar bc im a "man". tbh it scares me so much to call myself that. esp online. bc irl of course everyone says "he" and use my name bc i am clearly a man irl. but online, i dont show myself ofc. so it feels like people online treat me completely differently and it makes me cry bc i know this would never happen irl.

and it also makes me feel creepy bc i dont say that im a man. i dnteven know. i hate calling myself that, idk if its because i am actually nonbinary or if its because i just dont want to be treated like i do irl. i feel fake for not saying that im a man online, because if you were to see me irl all that would come to your mind is.. yeah. lol i dont even tell anyone irl not even ppl who are nb or genderqueer etc. because its obvious im faking bc i dont look ambiguous enough, and i dont act ambiguous enough. im just some man, obviously.

its an exhausting cycle bc the only people i get to talk to now are other boys, even though i dont want to; even though talking to them reinforces the image of me as just another man. like i dont *hate* them ofc its just.. i dont want to talk to them. but i pretend that i do, and i put up facades to act like how they act, talk like they do. bc ik that theyd see me weird otherwise.

and ik that talking to the people i actually like, those people would see me weird bc theyre used to seeing me talking with boys in my fake way. my fake personality looks like my real personality, so my real personality appears fake, too. at least thats what i think. im too scared to go up and talk to any of the nice kids anymore. bc why would they want to talk to one of the boring mean apathetic boys. ig its just life. i cnt change it, im just stuck in this cycle unless i like.. disappear....

ive never talked about these thoughts with anyone else bfore because it just feels so taboo, ive never seen anyone else have similar experiences. so probably the few people who saw my post, read the entire thing, and is reading this now, will think im gross and leave too. ig its life.. you all would find out eventually and leave anyways. im destined to be alone, but its my fault for being gross and cold and uncomfortable.

[krunchylegs]

rambles

im actually gonna go insane bc why is it that every time i make my lunch for college its literally always above 600 cals??? like atm i think its just bc ive added rice to the meal which that alone is like 300cals, and then everything else just adds to it 😓 but i dont want to pack a lunch thats way too obviously a restrictive lunch. i think i just need to look at more restrictive mealspo, bc i literally have no idea what to do.

also is it just me or is eating in public genuinely the most uncomfortable feeling ever??? especially if youre eating with someone and theyre eating less than you. idk it just makes me feel so fat when that happens

also ive changed my calorie intake rules bc im feeling like i might end up going into a restrict 'binge' cycle so my daily intake limit is now 1000cals per day which ik isnt the biggest restriction ever but for me i need a little bit of leeway to actually be consistent and it makes me less tempted to swallow the entire pantry. but i have to get my 12k steps in, which burns just under 300cal for me, so hopefully that makes up for it a little bit. im also going to make saturday my fasting day every week or at the least every other week bc i have to eat a sunday dinner with my family (which is how ill break my fast every weekend) but through monday to friday i have to be seen eating in front of ppl so food doesnt even get brought up bc well im seen eating??

and bc i dont want to isolate myself anymore and breaks and lunch is the only proper times to socialize 😭 idk why it makes me so anxious though, i keep feeling like im being judged for my food or that i have too much and shouldnt be eating allat.. im hoping i see more ppl bring in lunch boxes bc maybe then i wont feel as weird pulling one out and using it

[popstart]

What ship/romantic relationship(s) would you think would be long-term/till death do us part type (if u have one of those)

the vast majority of total drama relationships are bleak as all hell and most definitely not long term, but that doesnt mean all lol

I imagine most ships with bridgette working out and "canonically" speaking (terry said on twitter) bridgette and geoff stay together. I see it. The time between action and wt was a fluke, world tour was a fluke, they get past it and love eachother and everythings ok.

Also now that im thinking about it i see rajbow lasting a long time bc theyre like. the domestic couple of all time. Bowie being raj's first gay crush does very little to make me seriously think they would break up. Ive known people who marry their highschool sweethearts/ the first person they date. its happened.

anyways thats it for canon relationships which people tend to agree with

as for ships, i see any bffs types lasting a long time. I think nowen is the best example of this. I cant think of anything they would realistically have enough conflict over to break up over lol

I guess still sailing on the bridgette express you could say bridgney. which. Also falls into the bff category. Im working with what i like here which is either doomed and tragic or actual bffls. Anyways similar situation to nowen i cant think of something that would realistically cause them to break up. The person that forever ago said courtney would be upset enough with bridgette to stop being her friend over her cheating on geoff was WRONG. they work everything out. live happily ever after. etc. etc.

As for couples that i think would decidedly NOT work out for one reason or another because i think that is also a fun question ill put them under the cut

I wont list every single god damn couple of all time because like i said, the vast majority of td relationships and ships are BLEAKKKK i will just say the ones that stick out to me or the ones that people seem to have different opinions on. I just wanna talk about this

Feels weird to put ripaxel here bc theyre essentially the same as bridgeoff but the difference between bridgeoff and ripaxel is 1) development time, 2) what development we see/dont see, and 3) time we've seen them together. We see bridgette and geoff courting for an entire season then at the end of the season we see the culmination of that and see theyre in a relationship. We dont ever really see them confess to eachother which means any damn thing could have happened in that time. Ripaxel though court for like 4 episodes and we see rippers confession and it is very bare bones. Bridgeoff last at the very least 3 years (if the rr ages are to be treated as canon) while ripaxel last….. a season. and we've seen essentially nothing from them. Anyways thats my 'why bridgeoff and ripaxel are different' thesis.

people seem to have it in their heads that gwourtney is a bffs type of ship and. You could not be more wrong SORRY. Ive said it before but if all stars is supposedly so bad at characterizing, whyyy is gwourtney the random exception. People that dont like the ship reasonably point out that their weird honeymoon phase in AS is not in character, and i wouldnt say its not entirely in character, but its certainly not what the ship is like long term. I dont necessarily think theyre doomed, I do however think it would take a truckload of working things out which is a coinflip of if gwen would be willing to go through that.

Ok moving on, heathney is most definitely doomed from the start. Ik this is my brand and i should have faith in them i just. Do not. I feel like if they met at an older age when they've both worked on themselves and mellowed out it could work, but I feel like they require such different things in relationships it would take. So Much Talking that the two of them would rather die than initiate. Heather very much shies away from physical contact and general loveydoveyness (all stars finale exempt which i have decided in my mind was them being annoying on purpose to fuck with chris) while courtney is fucking constantly initiating that shit (insert compilation of every time she rams her face into duncans). she is so CLINGY. anyways they would totally fight over their very conflicting ideas of what affection is like, nevermind the way they would actually get together would be infinitely fucked up in every single way. literally in every universe theyre fucked up and there is nothing i can do to save them i just sit back and watch.

im trying not to take the easy route and just list every single courtney ship but its so god damn easy shes so fucked up. every single relationship she has is fucked up, its time to talk about duncney. not even considering the fact they canonically break up in the show like 3 times, it was bound to happen eventually off screen/ after the events of total drama. Like, even if duncan never cheated on her, courtney was an awful fucking girlfriend LMAO. they were never gonna work it out since that is just Not how the two of them roll. At all. theyre both so emotionally closed off and distant that theyd have to go to so so so much couples therapy that neither of them would ever agree to to work it out. As is the case with all of these, i feel it could work out when theyve worked on themselves as adults, but the chances are slim. I think their time in island together was very honeymoon-phase-ish and if ISLAND is their honeymoon phase that really speaks of how bad their relationship can get.

[itgirlgyu]

fav authors?

surprise to literally no one i actually don't have one because i don't read much in real life, (like the ones I ever bought in real life were horror stories compilations) but i really like sarah hogle's humor, and rick riordan oh and!! diana wynne jones!!!

i also like humayun ahmed's short stories and anuja chauhan's novels ( funfact i read all of them) are my guilty pleasures tbh.

never forgiving red chillies for ruining the zoya factor by casting sonam WHEN THEY CASTED MY BABES DULQUER?!? (ik im going off tangent lols)

now now COMING ONTO THE REAL DEAL!!!

my favourite author is my inspiration, my muse, my mentor, my lover, my best friend—my rahrah!! no like fr tho i don't think i would have taken up writing seriously if it hadn't been for her. i got into writing as a means to like extend my overactive imagination onto somehwere so i didn't care about making it sound coherent or like organised until i met my favourite author. i read her stuff and it made me realise ah well fuck i gotta pull my shit together and took a hiatus from writing while trying different genres ( i had never wrote a drop of angst before that) and tried to replicate her writing by reading dozens of romantic era poetries because when i tell you her writing is literally flowing poetry while heavily based on action. like. you're behind the camera with her as she effortlessly narrates what is happening ad though youre experiencing it herself. it's safe to say ill never be able to reach her level but i geneuienly feel so blessed that i can call her my best friend and send my stuff to her bc like i dont think world recognition would as much her word does to me.

now onto TUMBLR,

who else other than @wildernessuntothemselves i had stopped reading on tumblr becase everything I was reading was getting boring and so many people were deactivating, UNTIL I stumbled across like this one drabble of yeonjun from them and oh my GOD WHEN I SAY SOME EMOTIONS WERE UNLOCKED IN ME it's like i had opened this whole new fucking chest of wonderful things—this is when i realised how much into dark stuff i am. and I feel like I really clicked with their writing because their dark writing, the obsessions and themes stems from the things like love which is like the best kind of motivation ever lmao ( it sounds so weird trust me im not a coherent person) and SO I READ ALL DO THEIR WORK, and again and again so i finished the loser lover series, the enhypen series they had and it was during yaqmn when i realised im into this shit for like i was SO FREAKING INTO IT like beomgyu is my favourite character ever from them ( close second to taehyun in hogwarts au sshhhhh) but yeah yaqmn made me realise that i wanna stay on tumblr but like also interact with them and be active in my own writing endeavours. also the author gave legit introduced me to so many cool authors with similar writing tropes and I am so so so thankful that I have found this side.

@hyewka gotta thank mort for introducing me to THE WONDERFUL WORKS OF rana like fr tho, like from the first story it was a hit on the nail on me. i love love love the way rana writes so so so much like they way they articulate their works, the whole situation and the emotions and their TROPES AGH CHEFS KISS. i love that their works are so long because it leaves room for me to see the development between the two characters making it feel so much worthwhile when they fuck in the end lmao like even their toxic works ( BRO HOW DO THEY ARTICULATE THEIR TOXIC CHARACTERS SO WELL) LIKE I'm literally always in awe bc it doesn't ever come off surface level? it's always so so detailed in the plain sight like whatever fucked up shit they do it notion they have it comes off genuine like this person isn't a caricature which is so hard to pull off. i can only ever wish to ever plot a detailed one shot like rana.

@itz-yerin the angst queen fr she is. okay but i know yerin is quite literally famous for her angsts( I'll come back this later) but what drew me to her stories were the fluffs. as someone who doesn't write fluffs because i feel i come off phony ( wow go off edgelord) but dude i read works and the way it's crafted with so much simplicity and love that you genuinely feel the love the characters have for each other and its done in the most mundane situations of life and i love that so much!!!

and her angst too omg, like i think ive never seen anyone tumblr yet use the trope she does in her angst and it's such a wonderful touch that makes me wanna keep reading ans ik most of her works don't really have a happy ending but it creates such a bittersweet ending that leaves this biting feeling in your heart. yerin truly the queen of hurt-hurt genre.

@channoticedmeuwu i know i haven't read much of kai's works YET BUT BRO listen the drabbles that ive read from like the flow of them genuinly makes me believe it's like those pretty lores and fairy tales that you are meant to narrate out out. the vocabulary choices and the way she structures her sentences gives me so so much joy like a number of time. ive literally sat there in awe rereading her sentences again and again. ALSO PACING!! the pacing makes me feeling like I'm walking the character, sometimes they way it indulges you into storyline is literally so magical. i swear to god i wish i could write like that man it's so so so soooo pretty!!

@ox1-lovesick was legit gobsmacked by sav's writing the first time i read them. it's so beautiful, and it's like so soft that makes you feel like. you have something swirling on the pit of the stomache—the fluff is so genuine and it doesn't come off performative at all WHICH IS LIKE SO FUCKING HARD TO DO?! bc you're reading stuff so you feel like ah yes I need to make them look like they are in love BUT NOT SAV even if it's the shortest passage the way they write genuinely makes you see the love the characters share and im out here shoving a pillow in my mouth or SHOVING IT IN THERE TO STOP laughing like THEY ARE SO FUNNY?!? SO FUCKIN FUNNY LIKE THEIR ONE LINERS GET ME SM OR SOME SHIT THEY WRITE LIKE got me giggling and cackling like a witch.

i actually don't read much but I'm trying to change that so when that happens this list will get WAY MORE LONGER!!!

[mythicalmyles]

honey i’m so sorry that’s happening. i was going through the same thing a while ago. it’s okay if none of those things work. just “taking a bath” doesn’t work with depression. some meds didn’t work for me either. it’s important to remember that meds don’t work for a lot of people. it’s okay to try new ones and switch them. i tried like three different ones and dosages before finding one that worked for me. it takes time to heal and im sure these people reminding you of your problems don’t make you feel any better. it’s okay to feel upset. i probably can’t make you feel different about yourself but i can say i’ve gone through that. so many people have and you are not alone. it’s very very hard to believe but it does get better. i’m sure you’ve heard that millions of times before, but it does.

as for the nicotine, it’s hard to get off that kind of stuff. habits are hard to break. i understand that. i was the same with sh. i don’t have much experience with that kind of addiction, but i can recommend nicotine gum and patches.

one thing that helped me when i felt like i was going to do something was remind myself how many people would miss me. how my dog would stand by the window wondering where i went because she didn’t understand. how my parents and friends would mourn me and miss me.

it’s okay to reach out for help and you’ve done so much already by getting a therapist. it’s okay to switch therapists. i had to go through about four before i found my right one.

you are doing amazing by letting these feelings out and it’s okay to feel this way. so many people care about you. i know it’s hard to believe but it will get better. it may take days, months, years, but it will. i know it’s frustrating and i know none of this might help but i want you to know there are people like you out there who are going through this.

additionally, you should add the suicide hotline to your phone, i did it and it’s a good emergency plan. one thing you can also try on tumblr is kokobot, it’s anonymous and it’s a whole bot about venting.

you’ve got this love. stay strong<33

Ive been on so many meds im not qualified to get weed legally in the uk i lost count of how many ive been thru and these ones do good.. but they dont always work and my drs just keep upping my dosage im on 350 quitiapine and 150 sertraline along with 100mgs of instant activate quitiapine and honestly if it werent for my bf and the animals i wouldve dipped a long time ago but ik no one will look after them as well as i do

Unfortunately im allergic to nicotine patches and i cant actually have chewing hum due to my tmj i tried the spray but it instantly made me throw yp everytime i tried it so i packed it in and it was our first day i felt shitty bc we went straight into my trauma (first person ive ever told what actually happened) so i was dealing w that after along w flashbacks shes rlly sweet though and was really kind to me it was just a heavy session

And funnily enough i have tried two hotlines and both hung up on me so that was gucci mane 💃 but thank you i really appreciate it and i hope you have a great day

[darlinguistics]

future thoughts !

i dont talk about too far in the future on this blog that much and thats bc my view of the future beyond the present semester has always been so inconstant butttt i think i can kinda see what im gonna do.

i should be graduating next fall, and i kinda always assumed i would be applying for grad schools then, take advantage of getting spring off and the summer, and start grad school the next fall. but then i realized.. oh my god wait what. grad school already? what the fuck? nah no way.

so ive decided on a gap year actually possibly several lol, which i feel kinda silly taking this long to come to that decision, cuz now that i have im like.. yeah duh why would i ever not take a gap year, who do i think i am going straight to grad school tbh lol

but i have more than a few friends who are also grad school bound and theyre mostly on like fast tracks to get there right out of undergrad or just very passionate about going right to it yknow, and so even though i knew gap years were super common and typical i guess i kinda forgot it was an option. im pretty easily influenced i guess

my rough plan is to graduate, and then work on getting certified as a speech-language pathology assistant! which is another option i always knew about but for some reason never really considered! i think its a good option for me because i have a lot of i guess imposter syndrome about the clinical side of things. i know that im smart and capable in theory, but im not as confident about my abilities to actually think on my feet, recognize and apply things irl, all that good stuff all the hands on tangible stuff yknow. which is ironically what im most passionate about, actually working with real people, but its also what i feel least qualified for lol. i think getting that experience before studying in grad school as opposed to during and after grad school is the most effective path for me in terms of making sure i learn and become the professional i wanna be. cuz i think if i just jumped into studies with the lingering work anxiety in the back of my head and making me too nervous and anxious most of the time then i wont be of the right mind to properly take things in and retain things or even think well and put my best foot forward yknow? i just know myself and my process and i know i need time to settle like that

i know i love learning and i know im very capable, but i kinda need a lot to get there, and ive been learning to come to terms with that and work with it instead of against it lately. when i think of going right to grad school with little or no break before and all this anxiety i still have, if im being honest i can only see myself burning out and both hurting myself while also not becoming who i even want to be. ik grad school will be stressful enough just in its own right, i want to have as much of a handle over my mental health as i can before i start instead of setting myself up for failure and two more years of feeling like im barely surviving my education. but taking a year or two or three to explore the field just as an assistant and learn things by immersion and idk just let my nervous system get used to the experience of it, so that i go through grad school relatively calmly and learning all the things i want to learn without my own worries or self sabotage ruining the experience and then come out of it as the competent professional i dream to be, that feels a lot better to me, that feels right and hopeful to me instead of intimidating and dreadful.

so coming to those decisions has lifted a lot of my anxiety lately and makes me kinda even excited instead of scared of graduation approaching. but theres still uncertain things, i have to figure out housing after graduation because while i do hypothetically have a home to go back to, it would be me sleeping on the couch and my mental health is godawful at home sooo, thats gonna be a stressor for a bit but itll get figured out. the slp-a certification is kinda new-ish and part of it includes 100 hours of clinical work and passing an exam, so those parts make me worry about how long the whole thing might take but i dont think it should take too long the whole process?? but i still need to research things more. also what else would i be doing with the time anyway yknow? idk why i feel the need to rush myself and like things need to happen so fast. its fine if things are uncertain and in progress for a while im in my 20s man yknow thats kinda just life. my biggest actual worry is i just want to be able to get housing and im pretty optimistic about that im kinda planning to look into it more over winter break with my mom.

but yeah thats where im at!! i love love love being a student but i also cannot fucking wait to not be one and just be working. i need a break from the echo chamber of my abstract thoughts, i want to interact with people and learn things hands on and intuitively with less pressure, pls let me out of my enclosure i want to see the WORLDDD

[liquidstar]

hi with this post going around i wanna copypaste some replies i left in response to another reblog too. the rebloger was saying that its also okay to enjoy problematic content (which, to be clear, i agreed with on a base level, but felt it needed more context since that can often be code for something much less nuanced)

this one should come with a bit of a disclaimer about whatever the thing youre enjoying is and in what way though. thoughtcrimes arent real, but actively choosing to watch lolicon hentai is a conscious decision. though ik thats not what youre talking abt here, i just feel like its something important to bring up, bc of how these types of discussions can get warped to mean "my frozen incest fanfiction is actually totally ok and if you disagree youre harming ppl w OCD" which i dont want the take away to be. i dont want ppl to use vague stereotypes of my disorder as a talking point to justify that kind of shit- because thats not the point and also doesnt help people with OCD at all! esp with POCD to be lumped together with... that crowed. again ik thats not what you mean im just saying it to clarify the slippery slope before someone takes it there for real! critical thought is important at all turns and such. and people with OCD are not incapable of critical thought, or understanding when media can actually be harmful in the real world. we still know how to separate the two, as should most people. that's what i mean by the response to it mattering more than the act of consuming. we might struggle a bit more with aspects of this, usually in the mental side (ruminations and obsessions) and thought crimes arent real! but actual actions are!

unfortunately, you wont actually see these replies if you check the comments (which is why i added them here). because i was blocked seconds after leaving them. apparently, even though i gave the responder the benefit of the doubt with the whole "slippery slope" of "yeah! fiction doesnt effect reality! lets all draw explicit content of children!" i checked and they... actually did in fact write what seems to be voltron pedoincest fanfiction and had "antis dni" in their bio (i missed that somehow, honestly thats on me). i think they also deleted their reblog, so i doubt people will find them. which is for the best because im not trying to get harassment sent anyones way either.

but this is still exactly what i was afraid of- our disorder being used as a talking point for the same stupid pedantic tumblr discourse that was the issue to begin with. being used as if we're not autonomous people who can make our own choices regarding media consumption, but rather an objectified hypothetical to get a moral one-upping in the black-and-white view of the outgroup. stop that shit. if youre here to do that either way YOU are part of the problem. you are not helping those with OCD this way. and the second that is pointed out you will delete the post supporting them and block the op? fuck you!

and the thing is, in terms of OCD, ANY mentality with a set of morals presented as all-or-nothing black-and-white is harmful. if youre seeing this and thinking it "dunks" on the other side of the discourse, youre missing the point. because the other side does the exact same shit. in this case, the argument with that "pro" crowed is basically "either all media depictions of xyz are good, or all media depictions of xyz are bad, and since i enjoy some depictions of xyz then they must all be good, and anyone who says otherwise is an evil anti" (aforementioned black-and-white thinking).

so with that, you posit the idea that anyone who has any sort of critical thought or issues with certain tropes of depictions of sensitive topics in any piece of media ever, must be an Evil Puritanical Conservative, ergo you have to never voice critique in media or the way it's engaged with. HOW THE FUCK IS THAT BETTER FOR PEOPLE WITH MORAL OCD? YOU ARE JUST AS BAD!!!!!!!!!!!!

dont you dare use this shit as a talking point in your pedantic discourse when the whole point of the post is THATS THE ISSUE TO BEGIN WITH! this shit is just as much the root of the problem as what i was talking about in the post. dont use this shit to outright tell us that we cant think for ourselves and have to go by your stringent unnuanced discourse as a guide. thats the issue. thats the problem i was talking about to begin with. YOU just as much are the voice of the fictional tumblr discourser inside our heads, youre just using different buzzwords. and this site continues to be awful to people with OCD. fellow OCDers do yourselves a favor and, like me, get the fuck out of these groups.

look this site really is awful for ppl with OCD so i just wanna reassure anyone that you are not Tainted Forever for consuming a piece of media with questionable content. the fact that youre able to recognize it speaks to your critical thinking skills, which is good, certain depictions should be critiqued. but you dont need to ruminate on it to the point where you begin to feel guilty for simply witnessing gross or creepy writing choices. you dont have to vindicate yourself to the fictional tumblr discourser inside your head, saying that youre now a bad person bc you watched the wrong anime. your actual response to it still matters of course, but thats that and this is this. just seeing it is neutral, you didnt commit a thought crime. its literally fine.

[possumae]

dysphoria posting ahead

ik i make this post like twice a year but it truly is frustrating going on hrt for a little over 5 years now, being on the full combo of estrogen, cypro, and progesterone, seeing some effects and feeling the "boob pain" for a time, putting on some weight, and...no tits. a slight bump, but not what anyone would call tits.

and the thing is im at the point where there truly is no hope. i've been on it long enough its just unrealistic to expect sudden significant growth. im not interested in implants bc they will not look natural and the point of dysphoria is how i look naked, not just filling out a bra. so like. i just have to accept this. there is nothing more i can do than accept it, even though i dont want to. seeing various other trans women get what people would actually refer to as boobs and just having to accept i didn't do anything wrong there's nothing more I can do I just got the bad roll and have to live with it. and i dont know if il honestly ever feel good about my chest. blegh.