#i dont ever feel like im actually GOING to do it though bc ik my self preservation instinct is too intact

[phagodyke]

ugh had to get up bc I'm too awake to fall back asleep and started getting hunger cramps

[kaisfruit]

Hiiii loved your first first about kai!

Could I request a one shot or headcanon about each of the ninja and how they would pleasure a fem!reader pls?

How they pleasure you | All ninja x fem!reader headcanons

a/n: omg tysm for my first ask <3 this is like,,one of the few times ive ever written nsfw so!! i hope its okay :3 also im gonna leave out lloyd cuz ik technically he's an adult but idk it's still a bit weird imo warnings: nsfw under the cut (duh),cunnilingus (cole, zane, nya) , slight size kink mention in cole's part, degradation in kai's part, inappropriate usage of elemental ability (jay), umm thats all i can think of im srry if i missed anything ^^

Cole

Ugh idec he's a big guy. is that a collective hc that the whole fandom can agree on? i think so

def uses that size to his advantage when y'all are alone together

I'm talking like MANHANDLING

only if u ask tho cuz cmon we all know he is such a caring guy he would always take your wants and boundaries into account

okay, my horrible down bad size kink out of the way-

mans has a big appetite (wink wink)

goes down on you like no other. like, he treats your pussy like it's breakfast, lunch, dinner, AND DESSERT babes

there would be no breaks with him. i cant say this enough, but he is eating you out like a man starved

overstimulation bound to happen srry i dont make the rules

he would NOT ask for anything in return

this man is the biggest giver when it comes to sex oh my lorddd

you're in charge but like he is if you know what i mean?

like he does what he knows you love, but on his own terms

ur in the bed and he's just instantly pinning you down yk using that strength of his, spreading your legs as far as the can go, and boom diving in head first

srry i could fill up like 3 posts of just cole eating you out im that passionate abt this topic

Kai

Plays with your pleasure like it's a damn toy

This man is the biggest tease ever

Though, his teasing does lean a bit towards minor body worshipping bc he's just everywhere

Marking you up with hickeys wherever he can get his damn mouth

Hands? can barely keep track of their movements. One second they're playing with your tits the next he's two fingers deep in your pussy

Let's just say he's taking his time here just to make the actual sex feel absolutely amazing on your end

But rlly it gets him going seeing you all whiny beneath him at his never ending touches

it's a win-win if you think about it

THAT DAMN MOUTH.

kai is not the guy for u if ur not down for a bit of degradation because DAMN

he has to come second place to jay in the yapping awards bc he's always saying smthn during the act

he pays attention though. listens or feels your reactions to every filthy thing he whispers to you.

absolutely ruins u for anyone else. gl w this man yall <3

Zane

He is so damn PRECISE??

Like, how does he know exactly how to touch you in that spot in order to get that reaction?

LOVES i mean like absolutely LOVES fingering you

being able to watch you come undone on just his fingers? god it is everything to him

will also add his tongue into the mix bc even tho hes a robot he cannot get enough of ur taste

just so calculated w every movement

bro made sex into a science 😭😭

tells you how good you're doing for him, how perfect you look, etc.

loves praising you bc it's the honest truth of how he feels about you

tbh 50% of the pleasure he gives u is from the pure love u can feel with every slight touch, every kiss, everything

soft dom vibes iykwim

REFUSES to even try to get himself off if he hasnt attended to you first

also an extreme giver like

he would get rid of entire body parts if it meant making u feel even better during sex

okay thats hyperbole but like

this nindroid has so much love in his robot heart for u and he needs u to KNOWWWW

Nya

A GIRL'S GIRL U ALREADY KNOW WHAT IT IS

she has all of these boys BEAT when it comes to pleasuring u bc of her same gender advantage

her head will stay in between your legs until you are absolutely SCREAMING her name

that fact fills her with immense amounts of pride btw

i see her as giving u a good mix of gentle and rough touches that like come together to make the most intense feeling ever??? if that makes sense

she's so good w her mouth like,,,everywhere

her favorite place to have her mouth is on ur pussy ofc, but she could also give a vampire a run for their money with how attached to ur neck she is

marks litter your neck

she's so good at finding that one little sweet spot that makes your body squirm

tends to multitask as well

like if she's currently a knuckle deep in your hole then you can also probably find her mouth licking and sucking at one of your nipples

everything she does to you is just so confusing in the best way possible

Jay

everything with him is just so fast-paced

he barely gives you any time to catch your breath in between anything

just one thing after another with jay

it mostly comes from his overzealous nature

your body makes him feel like a kid in a candy store im not even gonna lie. there's so much he could be doing he doesn't even know where to start

constantly talking. what did you expect from the motormouth himself?

half of it's mumbles of how gorgeous or how breathtaking you are and the other half is just downright filthy

honestly that second part would be such a turn on cuz u wouldn't have expected it from jay

the first time he used his element on you it was an accident

he didn't even realized it happened at first. he felt you jolt at the sensation and his first instinct was to apologize instantly, but he never even had a chance as he felt how you clenched down on his fingers and the moan u let out would forever be ingrained in his brain

from that point on, he's constantly looking for the best opportunity to let the smallest current just give a little tingle to your skin

jay really knows how to keep things interesting <3

[kyri45]

i remember seeing your first (or second? cant remember) part of the shadowpeach bioparent au comic around the time it was posted and thought 'oh cool, welp thats the end of that let me see some other lmk fanart' and honestly i never thought it would come this far bc most lmk aus that catch my eye rarely go over 2-3 parts, or beyond concept art. you have no idea how much it means to me that you are working on this comic (though no pressure ofc feel free to take breaks any time ik youve got another comic youre working on as well) because you portray lmk characters in such a perfect way i dont see very often, and i mean it ive consumed SO much lmk art. im mostly referring to shadowpeach because a lot of ppl are portraying them as a romantic couple or complicated romance, but in general i enjoy platonic ships more, and you do it in such a way that it just tickles my brain sometimes. also even though they (especially macaque) act in a way you wouldnt see in the show like, ever, the entire series of events that lead to many of their 'unusual' behaviors and conversations actually makes it feel canon-according. i rarely see that and even have struggles with portraying them like that myself, so youre literally one of my top favorite artists atm for that one (your artstyle is so yum too).

anyway make sure to take care of yourself and drink enough water and eat and get enough sleep! i hope youre doing well!!

AGHDMHSMFYS THANK YOU!!! Tysm for this message i literally weep :’)

[ominous-horse-noises]

final finale thoughts!!

things i loved about the finale

QUEER GODDESS PATHEON YEAAAAAAH!!! i thought it was such a good way to find a happy medium between kristen committing to a worldview that felt authentic and nuanced without being catholic™ about it

everything to do with the scene of Ankarna trying to offer retribution to each of the bad kids, and each of them making peace with past wrongs instead of continuing to stew in it. i love growth!!!

FIG AND KRISTEN MIRRORING ANKARNA AND CASSANDRA

everything to do with mazey and fabian. of all the fantasy high couples aside from fidayda, these two feel the most like they make sense together- they have similar interests, they have similar values, fabian had a crush on her even when she was being 'uncool' (eg. twister) and how mazey actually picked up on that and appreciated the way he used his perceived coolness to extend it to others who might be picked on otherwise. this is the couple i most hope go the distance even post aguefort adventuring academy (again, aside from figayda ofc but i literally cannot imagine those girls breaking up over anything)

fabian's fetus sibling outnemesising him despite fabian building an animosity towards them the whole season before they were even conceived. peak fantasy high insanity

controversial but i thought the maryann/gorgug being introduced and canonised in all of 15 minutes was hilarious. it was very teen of them in a way that felt authentic. my ideal scenario for them is an end of year fling that becomes amicable exes bc they truly have nothing in common beyond thinking the other is hot (real of them) but i dont have a strong opinion on whether they should break up or not

also maybe controversial but i like that kalina is straight up bloodthirsty. she felt like an equal opposite to bakur- rather than being a devoted servant who became corrupted by proxy, she was trying to corrupt her deity into a form she preferred. thematically it extends to the complementary opposites thing ankarna and cassandra have going on (though i get it might be a reach).

"... thats a four. you know what it's for we don't have to talk about it"

squeem

riz coming in clutch with the character arc right at the last moment. i joked ab his neuroticism being part of his natural swag, but im glad murph not only made sure riz FINALLY addressed the way he was burning himself out, but also that by extension, he was burning out both fig and kristen bc riz has a very calculated idea of 'success' and while he had the best intentions, those two dont fit neatly into it

THE HOLD PERSON OVER THE LAVA??? RIZ'S 'very good on paper, but no practical application."??? i screamed

a second blimey-related divine intervention roll by K2 leading her to getting pinnochioed into a real straight british girl, in real non-dnd britain, is the best thing thats ever happened in fantasy high. a simulacrum was so powerful brennan had to do the dnd equivalent of sending her to a barn upstate.

adaine and aelwyn talking about killing their mother over icecream can be something that is so personal...

siobhan's incredible play with the earworm??? phenomenal, i gasped out loud

fig maybe moving into fabian's house even after she drops out so fabian won't be alone again... what if i threw up blood actually

i liked kipperlilly copperkettle being confirmed to be rotten to the core. 'the ritual looks very different when one accepts rage willingly' GOOD!!! i like evil ambitious teenage girls who try to burn the world down to get what they want. i get why they didnt bring her back, that detail definitely cemented her as in the zayne/penelope category of 'past villains who could possibly be redeemed'

FIG AND AYDA MY LOVES!!! sorry but not even the lesbian goddesses are doing it like these two. brennan put his whole pussy into creating ayda aguefort and my life has been changed forever

zac once again dming K2's alternate universe campaign

things i hated

ik it was payoff to the running bit and it made me cackle when it was revealed, but the implications of hallariel and gilear having a baby are so bad to me. fig talks up gilear a lot, and sure, he came around to being a good dad to her, but gilear has objectively been a shit stepdad to fabian and hallariel... is hallariel. its got to sting was watch your mom be basically catatonic for your entire life, and then suddenly prove that she was capable of being an present mother the whole time- just not for you. im hopeful that senior year will address this though!! lou has always been so good giving his characters' weighty emotional arcs that feel satisfying

i dont like the implication of trackerbees getting back together. i never thought bladebees was good beyond a realistic rebound, but trackerbees was SO codependent together, i dont think its a coincidence that kristen had her best emotional intelligence moments when forced to think things through on her own. tracker always struck me as kind of a 'fixer' type, like she feels most comfortable with someone she can act caretaker-y to (hence bouncing off kristen to another girl who had similar issues). i really reaaaally hope they dont regress back into their s2 dynamic

ruben's memory wipe. i thiiink the implication is that those who were the most willing to follow through on porter's orders maintained more of their memories bc they were in control of themselves and those who didn't were compelled into obedience (which might be why ivy and oisin remember more), but it wouldve been nice to actually see the lucy/ruben close friendship brennan said they had with him sobbing and apologising to her

it felt very weird that kristen didnt get some kind of resolution to her yearlong gentle prodding at bucky?? i think ally got sidetracked with the possibility of kristen getting back together with her ex that it kind of slipped from their mind (maybe bc to them the ankarna vision of her upbringing was kristen resolving her feelings towards her family but still), but considering all of elmville was coming apart, i feel like bucky's faith could've been swaying into doubt pretty easily. idk maybe bc ive become a trackerbees hater over the season but it felt annoying that that was what ally focused in on and not their character's more meaningful relationship with her little brother

[matheoxs]

hi how are u! i love ur posts, and i know u dont speak about the void much, but i wanted to send this to you anyways and maybe get your thoughts?

so i fully have the assumption that i get into the void every night in my 4d, and that the 3d will conform. i trust and believe in my subconscious that it will. but ever since realizing this, i've been rlly depressed about the 3d.

i have no motivation to do anything bcs i know it's all gonna change yk? like im physically doing the bare minimum now vs how i was before loa (studying, working, etc) bcs whats the point if it's going to completely change.

i don't enjoy what i used to enjoy before, it feels meaningless. i'm completely detached from my 3d now that ik it's not permanent, and i pretty much just spend my days thinking about the void and my 4d. i visualize and think about how grateful i feel that it will conform in the 3d. and when i see how messed up my 3d is slowly starting to get (yes from my own assumptions that its getting worse lol), i remind myself i just have to deal with this for a little more. just a little more and it'll all change.

i know i could just assume that everything is fine and it's not getting worse but i rlly dont feel like it bcs again, it'll all change anyways so whats the point. i know its prob not a healthy mindset but i wont be in this reality for much longer yk.

i'm just curious to know if you've ever have thoughts like this in your manifesting journey? if so, how did you deal with them? are there any words of encouragement you could give to me? i would really appreciate it. thank you so much!

Yes, of course! But first, I would love to ask you some questions.

1. Do you spend a lot of time consuming posts about the void state, even though you already know almost everything about it? What I mean is, are you on Tumblr every day, just consuming post after post? That can actually be unhealthy because your main focus will be solely on that, and it’s what you’ll keep thinking about.

Now, I’m going to be gentle with you. I understand how it feels when you affirm something, but the 3D doesn’t change no matter what. I get it —it can be exhausting.

Yes, it's okay to feel tired and sad about it. As you mentioned, it’s all going to change; it will, trust me.

I feel like you’re assuming something to be true, but then you can’t help but look at the 3D. That’s what’s happening here.

Here is what I suggest:

Are you tired of trying? Stop trying.

If you see unfavorable circumstances and feel bad, allow yourself to feel that way. Don’t push those feelings away; you’re still a human being experiencing life.

Then, when you’re ready, directly turn to your imagination and do whatever you desire.

You must realize that you have been assuming all your life. This isn’t something new take a moment to recognize that.

…

…

…

Done? Now, while you were assuming, were you looking at the 3D? Were you forcing anything? Or did you just know it was true in your imagination and keep assuming that in your mind that it pushed out?

When you expect the 3D to change, you’re already looking for proof, which indicates that you’re not fully confident in your assumption. This means you haven’t accepted it as true.

We often assume a lot of things without proof in our daily lives.

The "how" is none of your concern; it’s not your job to change the 3D.

Your job is to assume something in your imagination and keep assuming (persisting) that because that’s the truth now.

Assuming and persisting is easy; you just have to understand that when you affirm something in your imagination, it becomes real instantly.

Let me give you an explanation of how the law of assumption works, as if you were a 1-year-old.

Say you have a red shirt, but you don’t like it, so you decide to go with the yellow one. When you look in the mirror, you still see the red shirt.

What are you going to do? You’ll wait for the mirror to reflect the yellow shirt because you know you have the yellow shirt. No matter what the mirror shows, you know you’ve put on the yellow shirt, and eventually, the 3D will reflect that. Why? Because you knew you already had the yellow shirt on.

If you have the yellow shirt but you look at the mirror and it shows something different, and you let that be instead of remembering that you already put the yellow shirt on, you’d be waiting for the 3D to validate you.

And this is also what people get confused about: you can assume something in your imagination, but if you look at the 3D knowing that it will show your manifestation because you know you have it in your imagination, then yes, that’s okay. But if you’re assuming something and searching for it in the 3D, then you’re basically saying you don’t have it in the 4D

Do you understand now?

Remember, you’re not your thoughts; you’re aware of them. So make them work in your favor :)

Please also to mention take care of yourself; you’re still human

And do that while knowing it’s done in the 4D

[66sharkteeth]

I just wanted to say that even though I'm a mostly silent reader, never really commenting on episodes and rarely interacting on the discord, CoB is by far my absolute favorite comic I've probably ever read. I dont doubt for a second that there are many more out there like me, silently gushing over every new episode and excitedly theorizing with their friends.

Even when CoB reaches its end, I will 100% be sticking around for anything else you make.

thank you. im ngl, there's a big irrationality in me that feels like im only writing this comic for like 15 people sometimes. ik that's completely untrue, but it can really feel like that, especially when i step outside the bubble of webtoon and try to share or talk about the comic anywhere else. i've full on just...stopped posting on instagram, because it's just so defeating and exhausting every time i post. I know there's more than 15 people reading my work, but boy its harder to tell myself that every time I post outside of webtoon. i only continue to post here because i've put no effort into growing this so i don't feel as disappointed when only 20 of my 700k followers on webtoon see it.

ik this completely dismisses my silent followers, which i know there are a lot of, and i'm trying really hard to account for them. but man, it's really hard. and i dont think how lonely the process is helps either. i remember numbers never used to bug me as much when i had a close friend to gush about OCs and ideas with, but now that i just gotta kind of do it all myself and be my own cheerleader with nobody to gush about upcoming stuff to, its doubly defeating when it finally posts and nobody's that excited. i don't know how i can feel so alone when there's a good amount of people who follow me, but the whole thing is an incredibly isolating process and it's just gotten so much worse with declining readership and algorithms doing everything they can to make sure nobody sees my work.

sorry if i veered off a bit, but it's been on my mind lately haha. i appreciate every reader so much, silent and vocal. like no seriously, you guys are literally the only thing keeping me going bc i know we're supposed to "create for ourselves" and stuff, but i think most people at least have a friend or partner that they're gushing about their OCs and stuff with, but i just have you guys lol. so thank you for reading, enjoying, and giving me someone to actually share my creations with.

[my-castles-crumbling]

Hi Cas!

ik this is unfair of me but sometimes i wish that i could tell my friends about my problems? for context in our culture what happens behind closed doors stays behind them basically we dont discuss shit that happens in our families with outsiders and i subconsciously do that as well but heres the thing, i wish that i could tell my friends and honestly nothing is really stopping me and i even start but then i cant find it in me to follow through with it and sometimes they insist and i refuse and this repeats twice or thrice and i keep telling them to leave it alone and then they actually do ik it's selfish of me to wish i could tell them when they ask after i bring it up and im the one who doesnt want to but it never feels natural and i just wish telling them was easy bc im a private person and i dont like opening up and theyve been my best friends for years and i couldnt have asked for better friends but i just cant tell them and i feel so alone bc i never tell anyone but i dont think they'd understand even if i did and every time i cry im alone and i have no one to turn to and i can feel a literal empty hole in my heart and the thing is one of my friends tells me all her friends and the others do as well and ik their problems at the very least a decent amount and i just wish there was someone exactly like me who i could tell but there isnt and ik i can always tell my friends but i dont want to ruin it bc im also fucked up on so many levels and if i start telling them i might end up telling them about those parts and theyll never see me the same way again and i wouldve ruined some of the best friendships ive ever had and i cant even tell my parents bc theyre responsible for a good amount of my problems and i always feel sad and like a disappointment and failure and no one ever understands bc i have it better than them and if i told some people theyd use it against me even if they understood so theres no one i could even tell and i js wish i had one of those friendships where telling this shit is natural and easy and mutual and not me hearing everything but ik it's my fault bc im the one holding back even when they try to insist but i wish theyd be more insistent even though ik id never tell them i js wish they cared about me the way i do about them

im sorry for js dumping this all on you but letting it out anonymously is just easier than telling people who actually know me

Hi!

Honestly, my wife has the same problem so I'm going to tell you what I tell her.

First, how do you know these people are your friends when you aren;t even giving them the chance to be friends to you? You have to give them a chance to help you and show you love you know? I know you're afraid they'll leave if you share those parts of yourself but at the same time, if you don't, they're not real friends anyway, you know?

Second, you're judging people before anything happens! You're not giving them a chance. And I get it- it's NOT easy. But you're saying you wish they care about you like you do them, but you're not giving them a chance.

It's scary, and some people will let you down. But at the same time, if you never let people in, you never have a chance of making those deep connections. It's worth it to take the risk, I promise <3

I'm sending love!

[maygrcnt]

okay so I’ve really been thinking about tommy calling buck evan (irrationally thinking about it idk why it’s bothering me) bc why are they doing that? there has to be a reason bc I’d say all his past love interests have called him buck with maybe the odd evan thrown in there when the moment is serious. and technically we don’t get to see tommy and buck’s first interaction on screen bc they’re already in the helicopter when we first see them. and I was thinking chim would’ve obviously introduced eddie and buck to tommy and I would guess he would’ve said “hey this is eddie and this is buck” since that’s what they go by. like he wouldn’t use their government names lool. and then through out the helicopter journey everyone only referred to buck as buck so tommy know’s everyone calls him buck. like at this point does he even know his real name? I would guess not since everyone’s calling him buck. and then I was thinking when buck called tommy to set up the tour he most definitely introduced himself as “buck” since again, everyone was referring to him as “buck” on the helicopter. UNLESS buck said “hey Tommy it’s Evan Buckley - buck from the helipcopter…” BUT even then, it just doesn’t make sense why he’s calling him evan. like when eddie comes to the hangar, eddie calls him “buck” but again, they make it a point to have tommy call him Evan even after that. and they do this all the way through out the episode even though everyone else is calling him buck in the same moments!!! so why is tommy insisting on using his government name?! like ik he called chim “howie” but that makes sense since tommy knew chim as howie but with buck, he met him as buck!!! not as evan !! AND he’s calling Eddie “Eddie” and not edmundo so it’s clearly not that he doesn’t like nicknames Lmao. AND also, I find it weird that buck doesn’t correct him? like I dunno I just feel like he would? he’s corrected his parents in the past and when chim called him evan that one time he was like ???? and again, I understand he’s a love interest but his past LI’s didn’t even call him evan like that yet they had tommy drop evan like 50 times and for what??? has to be something right? I’m trying to think what exactly is could be but my best guess is the name thing will come up on the date or at some point and buck will tell tommy the origin of “buck” and why he isn’t called evan commonly and then maybe tommy will switch to buck?? Or maybe buck with let him call him evan ??? Idk but yeah the Evan thing has been keeping me up at night LOL pls help

big fan of how you went on such a journey there and didnt come to a conclusion because relatble. heres where my head is at personally and stick with me because im gonna start in a strange place

so this show isnt a stranger to name symbolism, natalia literally means birth or rebirth. so buck dating the girl whos name means fresh start after he DIES makes sense, but in a sort of insane irony way i think the death of that relationship was actually supoosed to be the "rebirth" in a sense

and since hes being given this "clean slate" (to throw us back to the last breakup because bucktaylor breakup is literally one of my fav scenes ever) theyre starting us off in a territory we've never been in by showing us through the most prominent symbolism possible. this one seems different because it IS different, and heres one thing this LI is doing that no other LI did, just to prove it.

I do think the other effect of this choice though is that is DOES make us uncomfortable. thats not a name that gets thrown around lightly so to hear it roll off someones tongue like its an everyday occurance rightfully makes us a little apprehensive. I think it could be a clever storytelling technique so as to say this is something that seems looks and feels really good on the surface, but they are throwing in that one little element that provides us with a little unease so that we dont get too comfortable sitting here.

[toyfii]

jst a vent, cw small sui mention, some gender stuff, self image

if I weren't used to being ignored + scared of being ignored, i would be the nicest person ever. lol im scared of saying nice things to ppl bec i think i seem creepy and invasive all the time. thats why they always ignore me, right? theyre probably uncomfortable, i did something wrong i acted too weird im not like this, usually i just stay silent and know my place, why would a disgusting creature like medare talk to them and expect a response?

and then all the little friendships that couldve been beautiful.. they all fall apart and i avoid looking them in the eyes and pretend i dont see them, and i get out of my way to avoid them and avoid walking past them at any costs. even if i literally have to hide and wait, or walk in the opposite direction of where i was.

this happens to all the people i like (including online ppl too) i just stop responding to messages properly, or i pretend I'm not online bc i think that whatever i say is going to make you upset and uncomfortable and creeped out.

i def internalize all the complaints about men that i see online. ik that's probs where the fear of being creepy and invasive comes from. bc i was born with XY chromosomes and have short hair and facial hair and body hair and a wider bofy and broader shoulders and deeper voice and wear the same gross ugly clothes every time i go out and so i must be like them i must be gross and apathetic and objectifying and i must be acting in an invasive way im probably objectifying them im probably making them scared i should kill myself, people say all men should die so why cant i just do that already? obviously nobody needs me and it seems like so many people actually WANT me to disapprar bc im a "man". tbh it scares me so much to call myself that. esp online. bc irl of course everyone says "he" and use my name bc i am clearly a man irl. but online, i dont show myself ofc. so it feels like people online treat me completely differently and it makes me cry bc i know this would never happen irl.

and it also makes me feel creepy bc i dont say that im a man. i dnteven know. i hate calling myself that, idk if its because i am actually nonbinary or if its because i just dont want to be treated like i do irl. i feel fake for not saying that im a man online, because if you were to see me irl all that would come to your mind is.. yeah. lol i dont even tell anyone irl not even ppl who are nb or genderqueer etc. because its obvious im faking bc i dont look ambiguous enough, and i dont act ambiguous enough. im just some man, obviously.

its an exhausting cycle bc the only people i get to talk to now are other boys, even though i dont want to; even though talking to them reinforces the image of me as just another man. like i dont *hate* them ofc its just.. i dont want to talk to them. but i pretend that i do, and i put up facades to act like how they act, talk like they do. bc ik that theyd see me weird otherwise.

and ik that talking to the people i actually like, those people would see me weird bc theyre used to seeing me talking with boys in my fake way. my fake personality looks like my real personality, so my real personality appears fake, too. at least thats what i think. im too scared to go up and talk to any of the nice kids anymore. bc why would they want to talk to one of the boring mean apathetic boys. ig its just life. i cnt change it, im just stuck in this cycle unless i like.. disappear....

ive never talked about these thoughts with anyone else bfore because it just feels so taboo, ive never seen anyone else have similar experiences. so probably the few people who saw my post, read the entire thing, and is reading this now, will think im gross and leave too. ig its life.. you all would find out eventually and leave anyways. im destined to be alone, but its my fault for being gross and cold and uncomfortable.

[krunchylegs]

rambles

im actually gonna go insane bc why is it that every time i make my lunch for college its literally always above 600 cals??? like atm i think its just bc ive added rice to the meal which that alone is like 300cals, and then everything else just adds to it 😓 but i dont want to pack a lunch thats way too obviously a restrictive lunch. i think i just need to look at more restrictive mealspo, bc i literally have no idea what to do.

also is it just me or is eating in public genuinely the most uncomfortable feeling ever??? especially if youre eating with someone and theyre eating less than you. idk it just makes me feel so fat when that happens

also ive changed my calorie intake rules bc im feeling like i might end up going into a restrict 'binge' cycle so my daily intake limit is now 1000cals per day which ik isnt the biggest restriction ever but for me i need a little bit of leeway to actually be consistent and it makes me less tempted to swallow the entire pantry. but i have to get my 12k steps in, which burns just under 300cal for me, so hopefully that makes up for it a little bit. im also going to make saturday my fasting day every week or at the least every other week bc i have to eat a sunday dinner with my family (which is how ill break my fast every weekend) but through monday to friday i have to be seen eating in front of ppl so food doesnt even get brought up bc well im seen eating??

and bc i dont want to isolate myself anymore and breaks and lunch is the only proper times to socialize 😭 idk why it makes me so anxious though, i keep feeling like im being judged for my food or that i have too much and shouldnt be eating allat.. im hoping i see more ppl bring in lunch boxes bc maybe then i wont feel as weird pulling one out and using it

[ellecdc]

ik my last ask was a lil more serious (and suuuper long, although this one probably wont be much better, sorry 😬) but now i'm here for the goofs n catching up. sorry its been another bit of time again, i had to recover from the fact that YOU! missed little old me?!?! immidiate bedrest as i come to terms with that fact. i figured id answer the questions i asked you (and respond to ur responses) bc i can't help myself!

34) i get not being up to people watching anymore, i'm there too, although i used to be quite the people watcher. there are definitely an influx of people in cities where just having to be in their presence without observing them is tiring (i live by a famous one, boy do i know this fact. one time a guy came up to me on the transit and just started telling me jokes. i didn't even respond, but that didn't matter to him lol. honestly some of the jokes were pretty good.) it's like they do all the people watching work for you.

69) as someone who has unfortunately had to both wash my hair with soap and body with shampoo (don't ask, they were both emergency instances lol) i can confirm that the shampoo option is indeed better by a long shot.

83) oh no sorry for putting you into a tough spot! your song choices are so fun tho, like i just feel happier listening to them, makes me wanna dance (also completely forgot how much chumbawumba's album art fucks me up lol). i got this answer mostly down pat and its like the complete opposite vibe to ur choices lol. my all time favorite song is going to california by led zeppelin so that's my choice, i am forever a slut for it's layered guitar parts and finger picking (and zeppelin in general). a close second is lover, you should've come over by jeff buckley. "broken down and hungry for your love with no way to feed it"?! "my kingdom for a kiss upon her shoulder"?! "all my blood for the sweetness of her laughter"?! like stfu jeff this is too good for us mortals.

lastly, in my like 10 years of reading fanfic i have never once been inclined to write my own until now, and that's all thanks to you! idk if they will ever get done -one's a honker and it's maybe halfway written, the other is a smut fic which,,, idk man we'll see- much less posted, but you never know 🤷 maybe one day i'll be off anon and have a writing blog. but i want to say thanks for the inspiration to rediscover my love for writing!

hope ur having a wonderful day lovebug 🩷🩷🩷

-ʕ⁠·⁠ᴥ⁠·⁠ʔ

OMG SOMEONE ANSWERED THR WURSTIONS BACK IM SO EXCITED

People watching -> okay you’re so right though, people watching IS tiring. I don’t want to be perceived OR perceive!!

Body wash/shampoo -> Nooooo omg okay well I’m glad to know my answer was sound and should I ever find myself in a debacle I will choose wisely [thoughts and prayers to your hair]

Fave songs -> shut up did you actually look up the songs I listed?? That is so cool you’re so cool, what a cutie. Oof but your second song would be such good fic titles or prompts (hint hint you should do it)

And congratulations on your writing! I dont want to take credit at all though, I think you’re just a cool kid(tm) and are gonna do cool kid shit (i.e., writing fanfics) [no but fr, i think writing is so cathartic and good for the soul, it’s self care! I wrote for yeeeaaarrrrrssss before i ever thought to post anything, so even just writing for yourself is fucking tops, you rock it babes]

[popstart]

What ship/romantic relationship(s) would you think would be long-term/till death do us part type (if u have one of those)

the vast majority of total drama relationships are bleak as all hell and most definitely not long term, but that doesnt mean all lol

I imagine most ships with bridgette working out and "canonically" speaking (terry said on twitter) bridgette and geoff stay together. I see it. The time between action and wt was a fluke, world tour was a fluke, they get past it and love eachother and everythings ok.

Also now that im thinking about it i see rajbow lasting a long time bc theyre like. the domestic couple of all time. Bowie being raj's first gay crush does very little to make me seriously think they would break up. Ive known people who marry their highschool sweethearts/ the first person they date. its happened.

anyways thats it for canon relationships which people tend to agree with

as for ships, i see any bffs types lasting a long time. I think nowen is the best example of this. I cant think of anything they would realistically have enough conflict over to break up over lol

I guess still sailing on the bridgette express you could say bridgney. which. Also falls into the bff category. Im working with what i like here which is either doomed and tragic or actual bffls. Anyways similar situation to nowen i cant think of something that would realistically cause them to break up. The person that forever ago said courtney would be upset enough with bridgette to stop being her friend over her cheating on geoff was WRONG. they work everything out. live happily ever after. etc. etc.

As for couples that i think would decidedly NOT work out for one reason or another because i think that is also a fun question ill put them under the cut

I wont list every single god damn couple of all time because like i said, the vast majority of td relationships and ships are BLEAKKKK i will just say the ones that stick out to me or the ones that people seem to have different opinions on. I just wanna talk about this

Feels weird to put ripaxel here bc theyre essentially the same as bridgeoff but the difference between bridgeoff and ripaxel is 1) development time, 2) what development we see/dont see, and 3) time we've seen them together. We see bridgette and geoff courting for an entire season then at the end of the season we see the culmination of that and see theyre in a relationship. We dont ever really see them confess to eachother which means any damn thing could have happened in that time. Ripaxel though court for like 4 episodes and we see rippers confession and it is very bare bones. Bridgeoff last at the very least 3 years (if the rr ages are to be treated as canon) while ripaxel last….. a season. and we've seen essentially nothing from them. Anyways thats my 'why bridgeoff and ripaxel are different' thesis.

people seem to have it in their heads that gwourtney is a bffs type of ship and. You could not be more wrong SORRY. Ive said it before but if all stars is supposedly so bad at characterizing, whyyy is gwourtney the random exception. People that dont like the ship reasonably point out that their weird honeymoon phase in AS is not in character, and i wouldnt say its not entirely in character, but its certainly not what the ship is like long term. I dont necessarily think theyre doomed, I do however think it would take a truckload of working things out which is a coinflip of if gwen would be willing to go through that.

Ok moving on, heathney is most definitely doomed from the start. Ik this is my brand and i should have faith in them i just. Do not. I feel like if they met at an older age when they've both worked on themselves and mellowed out it could work, but I feel like they require such different things in relationships it would take. So Much Talking that the two of them would rather die than initiate. Heather very much shies away from physical contact and general loveydoveyness (all stars finale exempt which i have decided in my mind was them being annoying on purpose to fuck with chris) while courtney is fucking constantly initiating that shit (insert compilation of every time she rams her face into duncans). she is so CLINGY. anyways they would totally fight over their very conflicting ideas of what affection is like, nevermind the way they would actually get together would be infinitely fucked up in every single way. literally in every universe theyre fucked up and there is nothing i can do to save them i just sit back and watch.

im trying not to take the easy route and just list every single courtney ship but its so god damn easy shes so fucked up. every single relationship she has is fucked up, its time to talk about duncney. not even considering the fact they canonically break up in the show like 3 times, it was bound to happen eventually off screen/ after the events of total drama. Like, even if duncan never cheated on her, courtney was an awful fucking girlfriend LMAO. they were never gonna work it out since that is just Not how the two of them roll. At all. theyre both so emotionally closed off and distant that theyd have to go to so so so much couples therapy that neither of them would ever agree to to work it out. As is the case with all of these, i feel it could work out when theyve worked on themselves as adults, but the chances are slim. I think their time in island together was very honeymoon-phase-ish and if ISLAND is their honeymoon phase that really speaks of how bad their relationship can get.

[itgirlgyu]

fav authors?

surprise to literally no one i actually don't have one because i don't read much in real life, (like the ones I ever bought in real life were horror stories compilations) but i really like sarah hogle's humor, and rick riordan oh and!! diana wynne jones!!!

i also like humayun ahmed's short stories and anuja chauhan's novels ( funfact i read all of them) are my guilty pleasures tbh.

never forgiving red chillies for ruining the zoya factor by casting sonam WHEN THEY CASTED MY BABES DULQUER?!? (ik im going off tangent lols)

now now COMING ONTO THE REAL DEAL!!!

my favourite author is my inspiration, my muse, my mentor, my lover, my best friend—my rahrah!! no like fr tho i don't think i would have taken up writing seriously if it hadn't been for her. i got into writing as a means to like extend my overactive imagination onto somehwere so i didn't care about making it sound coherent or like organised until i met my favourite author. i read her stuff and it made me realise ah well fuck i gotta pull my shit together and took a hiatus from writing while trying different genres ( i had never wrote a drop of angst before that) and tried to replicate her writing by reading dozens of romantic era poetries because when i tell you her writing is literally flowing poetry while heavily based on action. like. you're behind the camera with her as she effortlessly narrates what is happening ad though youre experiencing it herself. it's safe to say ill never be able to reach her level but i geneuienly feel so blessed that i can call her my best friend and send my stuff to her bc like i dont think world recognition would as much her word does to me.

now onto TUMBLR,

who else other than @wildernessuntothemselves i had stopped reading on tumblr becase everything I was reading was getting boring and so many people were deactivating, UNTIL I stumbled across like this one drabble of yeonjun from them and oh my GOD WHEN I SAY SOME EMOTIONS WERE UNLOCKED IN ME it's like i had opened this whole new fucking chest of wonderful things—this is when i realised how much into dark stuff i am. and I feel like I really clicked with their writing because their dark writing, the obsessions and themes stems from the things like love which is like the best kind of motivation ever lmao ( it sounds so weird trust me im not a coherent person) and SO I READ ALL DO THEIR WORK, and again and again so i finished the loser lover series, the enhypen series they had and it was during yaqmn when i realised im into this shit for like i was SO FREAKING INTO IT like beomgyu is my favourite character ever from them ( close second to taehyun in hogwarts au sshhhhh) but yeah yaqmn made me realise that i wanna stay on tumblr but like also interact with them and be active in my own writing endeavours. also the author gave legit introduced me to so many cool authors with similar writing tropes and I am so so so thankful that I have found this side.

@hyewka gotta thank mort for introducing me to THE WONDERFUL WORKS OF rana like fr tho, like from the first story it was a hit on the nail on me. i love love love the way rana writes so so so much like they way they articulate their works, the whole situation and the emotions and their TROPES AGH CHEFS KISS. i love that their works are so long because it leaves room for me to see the development between the two characters making it feel so much worthwhile when they fuck in the end lmao like even their toxic works ( BRO HOW DO THEY ARTICULATE THEIR TOXIC CHARACTERS SO WELL) LIKE I'm literally always in awe bc it doesn't ever come off surface level? it's always so so detailed in the plain sight like whatever fucked up shit they do it notion they have it comes off genuine like this person isn't a caricature which is so hard to pull off. i can only ever wish to ever plot a detailed one shot like rana.

@itz-yerin the angst queen fr she is. okay but i know yerin is quite literally famous for her angsts( I'll come back this later) but what drew me to her stories were the fluffs. as someone who doesn't write fluffs because i feel i come off phony ( wow go off edgelord) but dude i read works and the way it's crafted with so much simplicity and love that you genuinely feel the love the characters have for each other and its done in the most mundane situations of life and i love that so much!!!

and her angst too omg, like i think ive never seen anyone tumblr yet use the trope she does in her angst and it's such a wonderful touch that makes me wanna keep reading ans ik most of her works don't really have a happy ending but it creates such a bittersweet ending that leaves this biting feeling in your heart. yerin truly the queen of hurt-hurt genre.

@channoticedmeuwu i know i haven't read much of kai's works YET BUT BRO listen the drabbles that ive read from like the flow of them genuinly makes me believe it's like those pretty lores and fairy tales that you are meant to narrate out out. the vocabulary choices and the way she structures her sentences gives me so so much joy like a number of time. ive literally sat there in awe rereading her sentences again and again. ALSO PACING!! the pacing makes me feeling like I'm walking the character, sometimes they way it indulges you into storyline is literally so magical. i swear to god i wish i could write like that man it's so so so soooo pretty!!

@ox1-lovesick was legit gobsmacked by sav's writing the first time i read them. it's so beautiful, and it's like so soft that makes you feel like. you have something swirling on the pit of the stomache—the fluff is so genuine and it doesn't come off performative at all WHICH IS LIKE SO FUCKING HARD TO DO?! bc you're reading stuff so you feel like ah yes I need to make them look like they are in love BUT NOT SAV even if it's the shortest passage the way they write genuinely makes you see the love the characters share and im out here shoving a pillow in my mouth or SHOVING IT IN THERE TO STOP laughing like THEY ARE SO FUNNY?!? SO FUCKIN FUNNY LIKE THEIR ONE LINERS GET ME SM OR SOME SHIT THEY WRITE LIKE got me giggling and cackling like a witch.

i actually don't read much but I'm trying to change that so when that happens this list will get WAY MORE LONGER!!!

[mythicalmyles]

honey i’m so sorry that’s happening. i was going through the same thing a while ago. it’s okay if none of those things work. just “taking a bath” doesn’t work with depression. some meds didn’t work for me either. it’s important to remember that meds don’t work for a lot of people. it’s okay to try new ones and switch them. i tried like three different ones and dosages before finding one that worked for me. it takes time to heal and im sure these people reminding you of your problems don’t make you feel any better. it’s okay to feel upset. i probably can’t make you feel different about yourself but i can say i’ve gone through that. so many people have and you are not alone. it’s very very hard to believe but it does get better. i’m sure you’ve heard that millions of times before, but it does.

as for the nicotine, it’s hard to get off that kind of stuff. habits are hard to break. i understand that. i was the same with sh. i don’t have much experience with that kind of addiction, but i can recommend nicotine gum and patches.

one thing that helped me when i felt like i was going to do something was remind myself how many people would miss me. how my dog would stand by the window wondering where i went because she didn’t understand. how my parents and friends would mourn me and miss me.

it’s okay to reach out for help and you’ve done so much already by getting a therapist. it’s okay to switch therapists. i had to go through about four before i found my right one.

you are doing amazing by letting these feelings out and it’s okay to feel this way. so many people care about you. i know it’s hard to believe but it will get better. it may take days, months, years, but it will. i know it’s frustrating and i know none of this might help but i want you to know there are people like you out there who are going through this.

additionally, you should add the suicide hotline to your phone, i did it and it’s a good emergency plan. one thing you can also try on tumblr is kokobot, it’s anonymous and it’s a whole bot about venting.

you’ve got this love. stay strong<33

Ive been on so many meds im not qualified to get weed legally in the uk i lost count of how many ive been thru and these ones do good.. but they dont always work and my drs just keep upping my dosage im on 350 quitiapine and 150 sertraline along with 100mgs of instant activate quitiapine and honestly if it werent for my bf and the animals i wouldve dipped a long time ago but ik no one will look after them as well as i do

Unfortunately im allergic to nicotine patches and i cant actually have chewing hum due to my tmj i tried the spray but it instantly made me throw yp everytime i tried it so i packed it in and it was our first day i felt shitty bc we went straight into my trauma (first person ive ever told what actually happened) so i was dealing w that after along w flashbacks shes rlly sweet though and was really kind to me it was just a heavy session

And funnily enough i have tried two hotlines and both hung up on me so that was gucci mane 💃 but thank you i really appreciate it and i hope you have a great day

[4shfur]

not really a vent im just talking about stuff so uhh no one feel obligated to look at this im just talking and its probably going to b extremely long and make no sense (because its late)

2022 is over honestly 2023 feels like its out of a dystopian film 😐 not very cool. i wish it was the 2010s anybody remember that? i loved that. stuff is changing a lot and idk if im ready for it. my new year resolution to do more stuff. like hang out with my friends more and do more things. idk about anything else. i want to do better in track but im not sure if i can. all my cousins are in track/cross country but theyre all better than me. my brother's only done cross country once but even hes better than me. its kind of petty to complain about it, idk i also wanna do better in school but i also hate school. its frustrating, i used to be really good at it but now im just average, it feels like. thats dumb to complain about too though because i know people who really struggle with school and im being sad because my brother got a better grade on the sat than me when he was my age. i think im a weirdo but not in a good way (transitioning topics) that sounds dumb but idk im not sure ive been thinking about it lately and i think maybe im actually really unlikeable. this isnt a weird internalized thing i think i might just be super annoying and idk how to fix it. its not on purpose. and idk how to ask my friends if they like me or not because thats super wierd????? and obv theyd say yes right bcs you cant just tell someone you dont like them. and im worriwd i come off as insensitive or pushy to ppl and they secretly hate but like?????? idk i dont ever know bcs i cant tell with people and i really dont mean to i really do like these people. i really dont wanna be that one annoying kid who keeps hanging out with people even though they clearly dont like them, but its not clear, and idk how to tell. also my new years resolution is to be nicer to people. bcs im kinda judgy about people (usually in my head but sometimes i talk mean about people) and i dont want to do that bcs usually im wrong and i dont have the whole picture and i just want to be nicer. (transitjon again) im actually doing better mentally i think, i guess i was just going through that whole "i hate my parents phase" everyone always talks about but i feel like i should be worrying about things more. idk its hard to explain but i wish i was worse. that sounds super fucked up 🤷 but im nostalgic for when i felt terrible all the time and hated myself, i guess. thats as simply as i can put it and idk whats up. i know people who are struggling and i want to help them but i dont know how and i hate that. ik this makes me sound super gross. but who knows. maybe ill get my wish and this year will be terrible or something. 21 days till for the future comes out though ✌️✌️✌️

[darlinguistics]

future thoughts !

i dont talk about too far in the future on this blog that much and thats bc my view of the future beyond the present semester has always been so inconstant butttt i think i can kinda see what im gonna do.

i should be graduating next fall, and i kinda always assumed i would be applying for grad schools then, take advantage of getting spring off and the summer, and start grad school the next fall. but then i realized.. oh my god wait what. grad school already? what the fuck? nah no way.

so ive decided on a gap year actually possibly several lol, which i feel kinda silly taking this long to come to that decision, cuz now that i have im like.. yeah duh why would i ever not take a gap year, who do i think i am going straight to grad school tbh lol

but i have more than a few friends who are also grad school bound and theyre mostly on like fast tracks to get there right out of undergrad or just very passionate about going right to it yknow, and so even though i knew gap years were super common and typical i guess i kinda forgot it was an option. im pretty easily influenced i guess

my rough plan is to graduate, and then work on getting certified as a speech-language pathology assistant! which is another option i always knew about but for some reason never really considered! i think its a good option for me because i have a lot of i guess imposter syndrome about the clinical side of things. i know that im smart and capable in theory, but im not as confident about my abilities to actually think on my feet, recognize and apply things irl, all that good stuff all the hands on tangible stuff yknow. which is ironically what im most passionate about, actually working with real people, but its also what i feel least qualified for lol. i think getting that experience before studying in grad school as opposed to during and after grad school is the most effective path for me in terms of making sure i learn and become the professional i wanna be. cuz i think if i just jumped into studies with the lingering work anxiety in the back of my head and making me too nervous and anxious most of the time then i wont be of the right mind to properly take things in and retain things or even think well and put my best foot forward yknow? i just know myself and my process and i know i need time to settle like that

i know i love learning and i know im very capable, but i kinda need a lot to get there, and ive been learning to come to terms with that and work with it instead of against it lately. when i think of going right to grad school with little or no break before and all this anxiety i still have, if im being honest i can only see myself burning out and both hurting myself while also not becoming who i even want to be. ik grad school will be stressful enough just in its own right, i want to have as much of a handle over my mental health as i can before i start instead of setting myself up for failure and two more years of feeling like im barely surviving my education. but taking a year or two or three to explore the field just as an assistant and learn things by immersion and idk just let my nervous system get used to the experience of it, so that i go through grad school relatively calmly and learning all the things i want to learn without my own worries or self sabotage ruining the experience and then come out of it as the competent professional i dream to be, that feels a lot better to me, that feels right and hopeful to me instead of intimidating and dreadful.

so coming to those decisions has lifted a lot of my anxiety lately and makes me kinda even excited instead of scared of graduation approaching. but theres still uncertain things, i have to figure out housing after graduation because while i do hypothetically have a home to go back to, it would be me sleeping on the couch and my mental health is godawful at home sooo, thats gonna be a stressor for a bit but itll get figured out. the slp-a certification is kinda new-ish and part of it includes 100 hours of clinical work and passing an exam, so those parts make me worry about how long the whole thing might take but i dont think it should take too long the whole process?? but i still need to research things more. also what else would i be doing with the time anyway yknow? idk why i feel the need to rush myself and like things need to happen so fast. its fine if things are uncertain and in progress for a while im in my 20s man yknow thats kinda just life. my biggest actual worry is i just want to be able to get housing and im pretty optimistic about that im kinda planning to look into it more over winter break with my mom.

but yeah thats where im at!! i love love love being a student but i also cannot fucking wait to not be one and just be working. i need a break from the echo chamber of my abstract thoughts, i want to interact with people and learn things hands on and intuitively with less pressure, pls let me out of my enclosure i want to see the WORLDDD