#i dont even know if it'll be really worth it. or that i'll be able to notice the difference

[orcelito]

Honestly sooooooo fucked up that I thought my overwhelming daily fatigue and debilitating body pain was a product of the awful working conditions I was under for years and years... and yet, despite being out of work for half a year now, I'm still so fatigued and in pain all the time??? Like come on man that's not fair

Oh well maybe I have liver disease and they'll treat it and then I am magically so much more energized like I was as a kid. We can only hope !!!!

[yoshistory]

ooooooh thinking ... thinking ...

[prapaiwife]

Pavel's long message on Twitter for his award yesterday! It's worth the read he's so grateful for everything, and everyone is just so happy for him🥺

Today, boy naret prompaopun has done it successfully na my cat army. i never thought, not even a single bit, that i'd get this popular series actor award 🥹 and in addition pitbabe also got series of the year in the same day 😭 all the tiredness from everything we've done is gone now... ytd when i went to the event, i didn't think i'd get the award, tbh i did prepare a speech for the pitbabe award just in case, but my individual award? i really didn't prepare. i've been seeing you all inviting each other to vote all this while, and i've been seeing the numbers every day ... and every candidate was so superb 😨 and the night before the event i saw, and i thought i'd probably not get it already... so i didn't prepare but all of you surprised me alot, the staff told me after that the votes dropped alot :( i can tell you that i was shocked when the mc said my name into the mic .. at that time, there were a lot of emotions in my head, i was happy, excited, proud of all of you, and scared about what to say... Thus, i want to type it out now bc i won't be able to finish saying all of this...

i want to say that i love you alot pavel's kittens, all of you changed me alot, gave me the courage to do things and believe in myself and gave me the courage to love.... i want to thank you all for having my back from the start, some of you even before pitbabe staying with me for over 5 years .... no matter how long has passed, all of you are my top priority in life. very soon it'll be 1st anniversary of pitbabe the series, i wanna tell you all that i'm very happy and i try my best to make everyone happy. i want us to love each other and in times where we have problems arise that make us uncomfortable, i want us to love each other for a long time na. sometimes people will say that i don't care or something like that... but please dont think that way, i love everyone very much and i want to give happiness to everyone ❤️ no matter if you come to find me at events or support me from home, sometimes i can't do everything for everyone cuz there's too many people :( i want everyone to know that i love you na ❤️ all of you probably know right? that i do my best to produce good work for you all, non-stop and without backing out, i'll do it well whilst being happy and not stressed na ❤️ love you na please stay together like this for a long time na i'll be your strong meow dad and sulky mu na my cat army. no matter what the future will be like, i'll focus on doing my best in the present and i won't make my cat army disappointed na ❤️

Like I have said before,

Live,

Develops,

Enjoy.

PitBabe has ended, but the legacy stays.

But the new legacy will be born, soon.

Stay with me till you can. I’ll continue enjoying my life with you all.

Mumma, I fcking made it.

[helloanthy]

🗒️ 01.10.2023 ⋅⋅⋅ 🧭

today is a very important day for me ! its the day i leave my own ohtori. ill be traveling for a while, so you might not see me for a bit sorry for leaving so soon again after coming back, but i promise this time its for a good reason. dont worry, we'll meet again ! you'll hardly notice - when we do, it'll be like i was never gone you know ... despite what i'd wish, i feel like i'm more similar to nanami than anthy. i admire anthy for her strength, something i've never possessed. i was never one able to be repeatedly made to bend but unable to break to be honest, rather than even a doll i feel more like broken goods. a wreckage more than anything resembling a person. i don't think i was ever meant to be one, really. not even my suffering was worth the satisfaction or entertainment anymore. so why am i alive ? always, i felt like an animal uselessly crying out, screaming in a cage. my existence was humiliating. i felt like a disgusting joke. but despite that i just still couldn't let go, you know ? despite everything "because i still love you." at least nanami and anthy had a memory of a happier childhood to look back on. haha ... reality is cruel like that, isn't it ? no matter what others try to say, we know some of us were never born innocent i wish i could leave with a smile like her. i wonder if nanami cried when she finally left her own brother. even though, it may have taken me twice as long, today is the very beginning of the rest of my life. i've had my ear against the coffin door all this time, resigned, listening. i thought i would die in here. i've certainly tried but, nothing is eternal. however long and painful it may be "there's no such thing as something that cannot be lost. everyone has the freedom to love someone or something ... we must not forget that" "i don't need you," is what i've always been told. if ... i was born as nothing ... and it's truly as they say - that i have still amounted to nothing, then that would mean we both would have nothing to lose. i'll do my best to believe it this time, and finally go make something of myself the world is free and wide. all roads laid, can still be unmade. i can't help being afraid, but today i'll walk past the ends of this world and towards the one where we can all meet this isn't a goodbye. i'll see you out there, alright ?

[humanmorph]

post about PAL 41. yeah you know which bit. (I deleted this post by accident and had to entirely rewrite it and I am JUST posting it now. might change some stuff later if need be)

First of all "No, you dont get it Dre. I want you to FAIL" bitch me toooooooo

The Future reveal was extremely good. what a strong visual. after everything else that happened, it's still this that lingers with me... God... And at least to me a complete surprise. It's really great as a parallel to the other side of the game with the Axiom as a being unlike (but not entirely) Divines, precisely because they've excised humans/synthetics from their creation and being... and Future is not that and can't be that but it is able to wield itself, no Elect necessary. (In a different post I once said I wasn't sure if that had ever happened before, and I completely forgot about Liberty&Discovery. I did not this time.) There's a lot of different things going on with Divines this season, and some spanning back from PARTIZAN too - I think it's impressive that nontheless it all coheres. I already saw someone put this in a way I really liked, maybe I'll try to find that post again later.

I have thoughts about Figure going back to/from their introduction in PARTIZAN, but it all feels a little pointless. The crux of it is that I would've found the character/their arc more interesting played in a slightly different way, and Dre didn't want to do that, or they would've. Usual disclaimer it's their character etc. and I do see why this is the way it is and how it fits together... I have a whole bit about it in my notes app somewhere I don't feel like dropping in here, but in the end they're just not my favourite PC. Which feels kind of mean(?) to say when they just died, but it does color how I feel about this...? It's not like I'm particulary sad, and I'm also not happy about it. Kind of grimly saying Hrm!, I guess. And I did really love their bonds to other player characters. Back in PZN too, I really liked some of the conversations with Kalar expecially, and in PAL the Cori-Figure relationship was an absolute standout, and I liked them asserting themself more generally post-Perennial too... And then throughout this season they've also always been intrisically connected to NPCs I either really really loved or found super compelling. And then they blew up I am excited about Cori getting to deal with Yet More Grief! Expecially considering their gravity clocks - she's aware that they saw her as someone to take care of, vaguely parental, and the clock is about that being somewhat frustrating to her. But she's also clearly glad that they care about her, and she does love them too, so... Well. I think it'll be awesome : ) Kind of wondering what Clem is up to but also she's not really on my radar currently. 👍 And Gur. Oooooh Gur is So Fucked. Completely even Beyond being fucked. It's grim. Everytime I thought it couldn't get worse for him, he's really been through the wringer, huh?, it does. it does get worse.

Well with all that. I'm still not sure how I feel about this as an end to Figure's arc. It's sudden, it's senseless, it's cruel... And it does hit REALLY well as a moment/scene, because Friends at the Table knows how to do the damn thing (the song really got me. The way it stops suddenly), I just don't know how I'll look back on it going forward. & It's the same for Gur (moreso, even) in that it's not like I can't see how this is extremely compelling & the way it works. The way they are working at it and how it frames both characters' whole arc and past decisions... It's just that I also am unhappy about it. Emotionally. I generally think it's worth it to think about why that might be and after mulling it over it's pretty simple: this is very bleak and I'm not able to enjoy that right now. I'm happy (well.) to leave it at that for now. And it really does depend on future developments too. I felt a similar way (not quite the same) about Valences death - and I do occasionally wonder about a shape of the story with them (and hell, Chrysanth) in it - but there was a lot of things I really loved that came out of their death, be it character developments or world changes, that in the end, I do quite like it. What doesn't really hit for me is. Or rather... I feel strange about "small wheels are breaking". Deeply sad to me in a way I can't quite say how yet. Maybe I've misunderstood "the Wheel breaks" this whole time, which like, that's on me, but I'm not sure where to go with it. Waiting & curious about "knock-on effects" for now. Perennial.... : (

And gurrrrrrrrr. fuck meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee he absolutely cannot catch a break ever in his life/death. oooooohhhh my goodddddddd I do commend Keith for trying. I really do. The moment he was like "Where is real Gur?" I had the tiniest bit of hope. Like yeah PLEASE let Keith do some fucking bullshit. Need that rn. Alas. The dice

Like the world if Eclectic hadn't failed that roll...... fuck the dice for realllllll... [COUNTER/WEIGHT SPOILERS. still about PALISADE though] I JUST listened to Mako grab that damn thing in the C/W finale. A WEEK ago I did that. Oh it's just so cool to put next to each other, both Future itself but also the act of taking it (or failing to do so. And also of course Gur, who himself stole Future) and the way it then so completely shaped itself/it's presence/powers after who carried. That's why it's Zeal for Mako and Ambition for Orth (which I was thinking about the other day when I was looking at the fatt.wiki page... it's titled Zeal and that's literally just the case because Mako grabbed it first. If Aria had gotten it like she was supposed to by winning the auction we would probably not know about that other stuff!). There's even a fun way Future's change is reflected in the mechanics: because they were playing Firebrands there literally wasn't a roll to take it. There was no failure, because it would/could not do anything but be wielded. [C/W SPOILERS end.] Though it's interesting to think about that Future isn't a name given by themself either, though they might've genuinely adopted it. It's the Principality's. I've always loved this bit about Motion from PZN 33:

AUSTIN: [...] These things that we call Divines, whether we think of them as our weapons, or our highways, or our saints or gods or mirrors: they aren't ours at all. No matter how well we shop for names to place on their frames, our words are just ill fitting costumes.

But I don't know!!! I wish they'd gotten to talk to it!! It's so interesting to me the way Austin talked about the Ring (since Keith referenced LOTR) being tired of being worn, the Ring wearing itself. Again, extremely cool to me! Also that it's way to... protect itself (? Eclectic took a peril from Divine Blast & Figure. yeap) is still about the thing they detached itself from, which is what do YOU envision. What could YOU do with me.

I did really like the power of the Divine Opposition going through Eclectic causing an earthquake "it's like a rage boiling up in you, maybe". That was sick as fuck. And I really am so curious about Delegates relationship to Divines... I've said this before... I think it's very interesting that Eclectic doesn't fw it, but what do other Delegates think? How do they feel about weaving magic? Do they know to what extend they even have that power? Keith said Eclectic had never weaved magic before, which isn't true, he did, to get into a bathroom after stalking a random stranger (Connadine) (this is still extremely funny.), but in a sense that really is a very mundane way to use divine magic. And to have this literally seismic event happen because of the power coming from a part of himself that he already doesn't connect with, but DID reach out to in a critical moment in opposition to himself, and he didn't have any control over it at all? That's cool to me!!! I don't really have a neat point to make here, I just really want more about Delegates. It somewhat depends on Eclectic making it to next season or not, since I'm guessing the focus will shift away from Palisade as a place. But I just don't want them as a group to vanish from view, whether we have a player character representing them or not (......... Branched............ If you're out there.................. Call me.........).

Last thing but when the computer smell was mentioned I immediately thought of the Afflictions. Was this just because the other scene prominently featuring a smell ("AUSTIN: But it smells like Valence here. ALI: Shut the fuck up. What are you talking about?") had one of those in it? Yes absolutely. It's also a little wishful thinking, because I like them a lot.

[spockandawe]

Okay! I'm rapidly reaching the point of needing some creative self-care, or I'm going to crash even more viciously than I'm already starting to. Bad things: work is about to be SO fucking intense for the rest of the month, and while my home is unpacked, it is Comically unorganized. Good things: being unable to walk to work leaves me with more free time and less exhaustion per day, and I've recently refreshed myself on what supplies i have. I also am all set to start figuring out how to paint a house as soon as I can test my samples and clear a room. This will scratch the novelty itch, so i can be responsible and avoid buying new things. But i also can't lose focus on the organizing or I'll Adjust and never finish 😂

Let me see

Crochet in general: crochet is what I've been patching the mounting anxiety with, and i DO want to use up yarn, but it's hard on my wrist already, I can't afford to get too deep.

Baby blanket: almost done, could probably finish tomorrow in meetings, but because it was pretty bland, it won't be that fulfilling

Big Boi blanket: god, it's been years, I want to finish, but i WILL need to buy some yarn

Rocky horror lips: tedious single crochet, fun concept, but need to avoid wrist fuckery

Cross-stitch starscream: yes! I want to do this!! But this will be the opposite of quick gratification

Art........?: ALSO YES, goddammit, i want to figure out the stupid tablet! But good LORD, it's hard to decide what to do. And I'm in one of those phases where I'm not FAST, and I'm not vibing with what i make. The solution is just to draw more often, i know. But fuck.

Hc/mq: had a conceptual breakthrough, maybe? But i still don't know how it will proceed, so idk whether to commit the energy

Bwx/xl: this is half done already, AND outlined, I don't know why I can't do it. If i make myself, maybe i can find my groove

Lqg fic: it'll be long and intimidating 😭

Bingge lite: it's been 84 years...... But i really really really really love it and want to be able to share it. But the scope will be Horrendous, it may need percolation and warmer weather

Raksura core: i, uh, um 🫥 (i want to finish it! I really do! I can't focus worth SHIT)

Quilting: that would be good! Use up stuff! I want to be better! But god, the PREP WORK

Addendum: can i think of a fandom quilt i could pull off? Even if it was. Idk. Bingqiu colors. That might help me focus. But i also need to use up my stash :T

Long furby: would be good. I've had the materials for-fucking-ever

Pyrography: ooh, maybe. Especially if I can find art i dont have to compose. But if i set off the smoke alarm while it's this gross outside ill Die

BOOKS: heavy lifts and decision paralysis all around. Could be star wars (long, not for me, have to match existing volume), cnovel (several wips, but each is so much work to format, good god), ofic (not for me, also have to revamp formatting), ilcbt latest edition (needs the luxury treatment, which requires brain), pof latest edition (needs the luxury treatment, which requires brain), and all of the most appealing projects need a lot of materials, and I'm still in debt, lmao

Peerless fic: I've had the concept locked down for years, but i need to refresh on more of their late-stage characterization before feeling confident

Fourteenth year of chenghua fic: i also have the concept locked down! But i want to see the final evolution of wang zhi's relationship to the other two first

2ha fic: I ALSO HAVE THE CONCEPT LOCKED DOWN. but i still haven't...... finisheddddddddd, and this is going to need to be a fairly lengthy fic to wrangle xue meng in a believable way

[yeahforsureokay]

I've been blessed with a good life for the most part. I've always been privileged.

Still, I can't help but resent people who have things that I want. Those who get better grades than me, who qualify for better scholarships, who don't struggle to decipher other people, who have people falling at their feet to know them.

I don't really want those things with who I am right now. I would give anything to, instead, put myself in their shoes, to trade in my conscious for theirs.

I want to be in their skin, in their bones. I want to see their family as mine and have them see me as theirs.

I don't want to become a man. I want to have been a man. I want to be a man. I don't want to become beautiful. I want to have been beautiful. I want to be beautiful. I don't want whatever they have. I want to be them.

I want to be someone who doesn't flinch away at specific sounds, who doesn't struggle with anxiety that cripples them physically. I want to become them, to have been raised as them, to have their traits, both good and bad.

Does that make sense? I think this playlist explains it well. I've constantly been held down by myself, like concrete shoes drowning me in the river. I'd give a lot to see someone else's problems as my own for a day, even if they're worse than mine. At least it's different and not the same cycle I've been stuck in. Maybe it'll refresh my mind and send me back to my body with a new outlook. Maybe it won't.

Instead, I sit in the same room. I sit with the same problems. I sit with the same people. I sit with the same flaws. I sing the same song. Over and over and over.

I dissociate at times. I'll take myself away from my body and my emotions. I focus only on the buzzing in my skull, the hum of life and death and everything in between.

I am grateful for the medications I've been put on and the help I've sought as I work through my fears. Every once in a while, though, I fall back into the same cyclical pattern.

I've decided to take up crystals and tarot and mystical stuff as a hobby (just decided it today, actually). I'm so used to constantly being skeptical and not allowing myself to branch out to new things because it doesn't "add" anything to my worth. I'm tired of that, though. I want to have fun like other people. I want to waste my money. I want to dedicate time to trying to control things I don't think I can truly control. I want to be passionate. I want to have passion.

I'm sick of waiting for some being in the sky to turn me into someone else. Maybe it's time to take myself into my own hands. Maybe this is the start of that. Maybe not. At least I'll be able to say I tried.

I wish peace and solace for anyone who may be facing similar issues. I also hope you enjoy the playlist and know you're not alone.

[imunbreakabledude]

today's relic reveal sadly a bit underwhelming...

so, farming relic, but it's definitely a fair bit weaker than last year's farming relic, because it still takes TIME, which is the biggest limiting factor in a limited-time game mode, and also still requires you to have access to enough PATCHES you can use, which is the other biggest limiting factor in an area-locked mode. plus it doesn't boost yield, but in theory its 75% seed-save chance should be 3-4x the yield PER SEED you obtain, but that's not nearly as good as it seems when you account for the fact that the seeds must still "queue up" and go thru their growth cycles.

It's still useful, don't get me wrong. and I'd 100% easily take it over grimoire (which with my areas would give me nothing besides piety + speed up some other unlocks a tiny bit). but I will definitely be waiting to see the third relic in this tier and praying it's something that excites me. (if we guess based on similar tier last year, one would guess it'll be equilibrium or modified equilibrium. which would be fine, I think, but I'm hoping for something more exciting, even as someone who likes equilibrium.)

one thing that's kind of a bummer which does not affect ME, but is a bummer for other players, is that these are two relics in the same tier that both really help out non-Kourend pickers. obviously Grimoire helps replace Kourend as well as Desert and Frem, and the farming relic has its own utility too, but it's less useful to Kourend-havers since a) those people will have less trouble with farming in general, b) it replaces a couple QOLs unlocked in kourend, namely bottomless compost bucket and seed vault, and also c) it sounds like it'll be rather clunky or even inconvenient to use this relic while doing farming contracts. (I don't know how much we'll be DOING contracts in leagues, but i imagine there'll be at least a few tasks for them + they will be a good source of seeds early on). so it's awk because this relic feels like a mid choice if you do have kourend, and it will feel more frustrating if you DONT have kourend and now have to choose between this buff or Cox-prayer-replacement. but I guess those people had that same dilemma last year with ruinous powers vs farmers fortune.

I didn't take the farming relic last year, for a few reasons. I don't mind farm runs too much, farming is quick in leagues as long as you have decent patches in your regions (with K+A+starter regions, I was more than fine), I also had fire sale bagged plants if i needed to rush XP in a pinch, and I had production prodigy to increase my herb supply by 56% (25% chance to save on both making the unfinished pots + the finished potions).

This time around, I definitely do not NEED it, with kourend sorting my farming XP. also the fact that this relic won't work at tithe farm, unlike the old one, is a bummer. but I still MIGHT pick this relic if the third one in the tier isn't exciting, because with my current gameplan, I am envisioning a potential bottleneck with supply gathering. if i'm a bank-noter rather than a total-recaller, I will want as much of a supply surplus as I can muster, and while I do not hate farming, it will also not be especially fun to have to constantly interrupt my other activities for herb runs, well through the league. so this relic MIGHT be worth it to me for auto-herb-farming alone. I don't think i'll have any trouble sourcing seeds to keep it going,..

... and now that I think about it, it will combo REALLY well with Kronos seeds from Hespori, because the game will know when different patches are fully grown and auto-replant them without me needing to know or check.

The one sorta bummer is that this is almost certainly a later tier, 5 or 6 i'm guessing, and by my early planning I know that by far the hardest part of Farming for me is gonna be levels 1-20. and then i will probably be able to shoot to 99 almost instantly from there. so this is unlikely to make any impact on my farming training, but it definitely would be awesome for herblore training + potion supply management.

so, definitely depends on what the third relic in this tier is (and what others are in the mix: I'm still crossing my fingers for a relic that saves a % of runes, ammo, food, and pots!)... but this farming one MIGHT be worth. certainly not an insta-lock to gameplan around for me, but would be helpful.

[nathank77]

5/29/24

2:14 a.m Edited

I know I've been saying maybe I'm hyper but the Atkins Bar held me over until around 9, I ate around 10 p.m . I ate the Atkins bar at 3:15 I think. I ate boca burgers again cause I felt like it with vegan bacon. I might be a little hungry atm but not really. I'm not sure. With Graves being hyper I went from being not hungry to ravenously hungry. There was no in-between.

Tomorrow I'll have California Veggie burgers and vegan bacon. It's not half as much protein so it'll be a better judge.

Still haven't been monitoring my heart rate as much as I should but my popping has been normal... not like I'm hyper. I mean a high heart rate usually makes you anxious and I have had anxiety but not really badly... so I use that as a test as well.

All I know is I'm in low ac right now and my skin is fucking ice. Yes it's 60.. but it's low. Usually I go to high on 60..

Beyond that I realized like yes my car ac works well but it takes a while to cool the car. Driving to Southington was a good way to test that. And I didn't sweat.... I would have if I was hyper.... I didn't sweat at all...

So right now I'm going with high end of normal? To be determined with more days of monitoring my body..... remember I dont know what, a "normal" metabolism feels like. So yea.

Speaking of anxiety. Ptsd. Panic attacks. I've noticed that I've had less of all of it the last week or so. They say give cbd at least 28 days before discontinuing it or uping the dose. My brain always wants it but I'm always like why? It's a waste of money. I've noticed that all those mental illnesses have been better. Still not sold on it. I'm going to stay on 100mg of cbd until July 26th and give it 3 months. If it can make my flashbacks, anxiety, heart palpitations, shortness of breath and everything less extreme. It sells itself bc I'm extremely mentally tortured and I've noticed improvement. Let's see if it continues. There is a reason I've been writing about it less... I've been suffering less. Yea I have anxiety still and ocd... and it's not cured but it's less traumatic... not the ocd unfortunately.. but I've got to give the cbd more time cause my body wants it and I'm like but the money... and now I'm seeing an improvement. I can't live with extreme ptsd and panic attacks... so let's keep it going for a while...

So Mike is like all about don't change the variables so you can see what is doing what. Aka don't increase the white mulberries. Don't take more or less cbd. Don't change anything...

Well tbh I've noticed drastic improvement since going to 2000mg of white mulberries. It's been two weeks....and I'm not getting side effects... and okay lets back track- since doing 1000mg the chanting toned fucking down a lot. My quality of life got better but not enough to say my life was worth living. Now lets be present. On 2000mg- this shit is inaudible it's only able to say like 2 words! Bussycunt, successful deadname, happy birthday. Whatever. It can't finish its fucking sentences. Some of the incoherent whispering I can tell is the rest of the sentence... but it's becoming more of a narrative... bc my brain knows the rest of the sentence and I've been changing it. It says "the bussycunt" and I say "thinks it's going away." Instead of, "feels bad for deadname."

Even my deadname barely sounds audible it's fucking dying and i know it's the white mulberries and I know it's a direct effect from upping the dose..

I'm starting 3000mg tomorrow after dinner. I got enough to do it for 2 weeks and see if I get side effects. If I do I'll weigh what side effects and how I can treat them. And of course i will see how it effects the hallucination... let's say it improves but I still hear it.. let's say I get no side effects.

Then I'll go up to 4000mg for another 2 weeks. I'll weigh my symptom reduction and side effects.

This goes without saying but if 3000mg or 4000mg stops the hallucination i won't increase. If 4000 doesn't stop it, I'll try 5000mg bc I'll still have enough to play around with it before I run out to see if I get side effects..

They sell white mulberries at 5000mg like 180 capsules for 20$.... so I can gradually increase my dose until the symptoms either disappear or go away. I won't exceed 5000mg... but I mean I have a feeling this fucking flower can give me my quality of life back. I got to cross my fingers that I get no side effects.

I hate to say it but I get why Mike is saying to control the variables..... but my quality of life sucks and going to 2000mg gave me some shows I like back. I'm watching Dexter and ink master. I'm happy. So we can throw variable control out the window.

It sucks but if 5000mg kills my hallucination, at that point it'll be July 10th.. if by July 9th I'm still hallucinating the cbd isn't going to kill it. That variable is remaining consistent. If my ptsd, anxiety and panic attacks stay under control then the cbd is worth the money.

I just dissociated but it's okay I was under a blanket cause I'm fucking freezing.

Anyways yea I got to try to reduce my symptoms. If I start bloating or something then I'll either pull back to 2000mg or I'll find a way to treat it that's safe if the hallucination stops.

It's way safer than antipsychotics and it's working like one. More enzymatic degradation and reuptake... more facilitation.

I've noticed when I take my white mulberries earlier than the 24 hour mark cause sometimes I take it at 20 or 22 hours it's more controlled.....

The only part that sucks about white mulberries is the human studies of long term use are limited... usually ranging for 3 months or so... but antipsychotics ruin your brain. And this doesn't deplete dopamine... it facilitates it in the mesolimbic pathway. Facilitates is much safer than depleting it all and causing Parkinsons. I hate being an experiment but my quality of life needs to get better.

I fucking love myself and I deserve to get better and work on my ocd and be better than I ever was. So yea. Tomorrow aka today 5/29- I start 3000mg. All I can say is please let me "look" for my hallucination and finally not find it. It's been better. But not perfect. My body is telling me to increase it. My brain is telling me to stick the course with the CBD. Imma listen to it.

Also I had a weird dream about gluttony. I was in some cafeteria or something the details are fuzzy. But there was all this food and I was eating like a pig CONSTANTLY. All the food. I don't remember much else but I feel like I was trying to eat more than people. I know it was post-apocalyptic sorta...

Then I had another dream but I actually think it was a continuation of the dream where we found a house on water and it was like partially built. Idk who we were. Just I was there. And the kid Walter from lost was building the house. I looked around and it was barely a house everything was open just basically a frame. And then all of a sudden Walter had built the entire thing. There was like one spot with a hole.

I don't know what either of these dreams meant. No fucking clue. I can't pick up symbolism... all i know is they were weird and I remember them.. I'm still trying to figure out the symbolism.

I'm excited to start 3000mg of white mulberries. Cross your fingers that I get no side effects and my quality of life gets better. 2000mg was not a mistake. Hopefully 3000mg will kill this fucking voice.

I'm a little anxious going back to a half mg tonight but I have drugs. I'll fall asleep. We will just see how many it's takes. Worse case there is always weed before another half mg of xanax.

Another random fact- white mulberries actually help with Parkinson disease. That's cool right?

Well I'm going to watch more Dexter. I'm at the end of the first season and I'm enjoying every minute. Sometimes the lyric-less music and silence is silent.

I've been writing this in "silence." I can't look for my hallucination but at the same time it takes longer for it to appear when I do and I hear a lot more true silence just with interruptions.

But don't get me wrong I always hear it trying to talk and it always wants to say the same thing constantly. And that's why the narrative is hard to break. It also makes sitting in silence really hard for long periods. Right now as this has taken me like 20 minutes to write I can't wait to drown it out. That's why I got to increase the dose.

[yourownpersonaldisco]

There's a hole in the world and it's filled with shit

You know, maybe it's time to delete this horrible graveyard blog. At a certain point it's worth wondering if it's worthwhile to keep a record of every horror, you know? It's good to write out the feelings but I'm starting to think it isn't a good idea to be able to revisit them or to publish them even if no one could ever read them. It isn't art, so what is it? A chance to come visit and feel like god damn fucking shit because of a clear memory of a feeling? It isn't noble or cool or interesting or evolved or strong to be able to steep in anger and sorrow, but I guess it does give an outlet for the bitterness. Speaking of bitterness, I just found out that I didn't book Sweeney Todd. They don't want to cast me there. Even my close friends, even for the ensemble, even for a show that what I can do is perfect for. It can be really downtroddening which isn't a word but who gives a fuck. It's like, if not this, what? And now here comes a fucking year of having to hear all about it and support it and ooh its so good and theres no punishment for people who suck and no reward for people who dont and its enough to make you want to be cynical (I'm going to have to fight so hard against that, I fucking REFUSE) and ironically that is the god damn plot of fucking Sweeney Todd.

I'm sure it'll be a good production. I'm sure I'll burn with jealousy about it for the rest of my fucking life. I'm sure everyone I talk to will say how insane it is that I didn't get it and they're fucking idiots and it wont help because I already think that. And the people who get to make the decisions aren't the ones who think that. And ill just keep being fun and dumb and good at piano bar and nowhere else, and do my best to enjoy Matilda which will in all likelihood be the only month and a half that I will get to work in the theater this year, which breaks my fucking heart. And I'll have to watch Amelie and feel all sorry for myself cause they don't really want me to work there either and I'll be a substitute teacher and a summer day care worker and maybe a dog walker and feel like I'm squandering what I'm supposed to be doing and be filled with silent rage and try not to complain because I am fortunate in many other ways. Most people don't get to work there- so really I'm not unique, I'm just like most people. But I don't really think I'm just like most people. I'm vain and horrible and I think I'm better than them. But the evidence no longer supports that. And I am uniquely close to every fucking person who has any say and who does get to do what they want. And I'm going to try not to be cynical.

And I'm going to try not to be cynical.

And I'm going to try not to be cynical.

And I'm going to try not to be cynical.

And I'm going to try not to be cynical.

And I'm going to try not to be cynical.

And I'm going to try not to be cynical.

And I'm going to try not to be cynical.

And I'm going to try not to be cynical.

Amen.

[itsventingtime]

Okkk sooo ive been having issues with myself

Things are really rough at the moment economy wise and i feel like i cant catch up at all

On top of that i feel so humiliated by trying to get a random lid from Aldi - cant sell half items and it goes to charity etc

I know i shouldnt have pushed but at least next time i know to either swap them out or just go to the self check out lane

This lady in line made me feel like i stood there for so long being an inconvenience but it literally consisted of the cashier telling me no ringing me up calling the manager which was a lane away and also telling me no -

I asked one more time before i tapped and paid and she started lifting the side table i had on the checkout line saying " some people have places to be "

Ok thats nice -

Fun fact ive also heard from my dad my mom's eldest is hurt and upset because she saw mom's will that barely has her in it - despite the fact she was the one helping and doing everything for my mom

I hate this i HATE IT SO MUCH

I know how she feels to be hurt and betrayed

I want to be able to help - do something for her

I'll work for that end ; as much grief as my mom has given me and as much as i do love her -

I dont really respect her especially after this

I dont like this world i live in; im 30 now and i dont know how i can keep going

Can i just shut off my emotions and survive like he does ?

Would it be worth it never to feel such strong emotions again ?

My heart hurts and i dont want to do anything but lay down and rest

It hurts more coz i feel like ive been looked over this whole year

My 30th was low key and i wanted it to be more

I wished my friends did something for me like they're always doing for our other friends

I wish he did something for me

He's said he'll take me out but he's never told me a date and its been 3 months now

My work looked me over too -

My files got ignored and i had to deal with issues when i came back

Along with a half a day of convos that were not read or actioned

Busy ok - but how is that even fair ? Its busy all the time but we still do it ; its expected its part of the job

I think it'd be better to rely on myself now and only myself - it'll tske time but im drawing the line and im hermitting from here on in

No one needs to know and its not their problem to deal with

Its a mercy he's only here from Thursday to Sunday

[fashion4standusers]

i hope this request isnt too out of left field, but do you have any references for piercing jewelry, preferrably multiple ear piercings? funny enough this is actually for me irl, as i intend to get more piercings done but most of the references i find are kind of, tame? and more dainty than i usually like. i like to go into things with at least some idea of a desired end result- but i get it if piercings or recent piercing photos squick you out too bad, or if you dont feel like this is close enough to your wheelhouse!

not my typical request but i like it! i personally don't have a problem with piercings/body mods but I'm gonna put everything under a cut here for the sake of any followers who might have issues with pictures and discussion of needles, piercing, and slightly more extreme procedures.

So, what you described is basically the majority of what i look at on pinterest! I am also currently working on my ear setup (in its infancy, admittedly, i only have double lobes and an industrial but i want to get waaaaay more when i have the time and money!) and i prefer really big, unique pieces over dainty/minimalist ones. Obviously, I'm no professional, so my word isn't gospel and you should ALWAYS do good research and consult a professional before you make any decisions, but i sure have ideas!

I'll get the really extreme one out of the way first and talk about coin slots, bc i'm obsessed with them. It's considered more of a body mod than a piercing because it's completed via cartilage removal and definitely not offered by every piercing studio (and it's actually illegal in some places, so REALLY do your research on this one!). I don't know if i can truly recommend it to you because of this, but if you find someone who knows what they're doing and you think you can handle it, i think it looks incredible. I'd LOVE to get one when I'm out of school and have the money!

(source)

(source)

I mentioned Pinterest but it's also worth checking out the subreddits (yeah yeah i know, reddit) for piercing and body mods-- the people there are usually professionals and enthusiasts so their taste is a bit more out there and unique than what you'll find on a google image search. If you search by popular -> all time you should be able to find the good stuff without sorting through all the text posts.

Other than that, I think the best I can do is give you some of the setups that I have saved for inspiration! it sounds like we have similar tastes so maybe i can interest you in what interests me :D since these are coming from pinterest the sourcing may not be perfect but I'll link you back to the pins themselves-- that way you can look at the related images and find even more ideas similar to the ones you like.

(link)

(link)

(link)

(link)

(link)

(link)

(link)

(link)

Also while i'm on the subject, i might as well share my experience getting an industrial piercing (the bar that goes across the upper cartilage of your ear like in the fourth pic) for anyone reading this who might be considering it :P For me, it did NOT hurt when it was happening and there was actually very little blood, BUT the pain set in after about 20-30 mins and the first 24 hours after that were a little gnarly in terms of pain, i had to pop a decent amount of ibuprofen. You have to be super careful with it for a long time and it'll easily take a year or longer to heal (i'm on 7 months). Even after months, it will hurt like a BITCH if you hit it/put pressure on it by accident (THINK TWICE WHEN YOU GO IN FOR A HUG WITH SOMEONE. I CANNOT STRESS THIS ENOUGH.) It's also probably best for people with short short hair because longer hair will get caught pretty often. With ALL that said, i do still really love the way it looks and I can't wait for it to be fully healed! I've wanted one since high school and it makes me happy that i finally got one. So, it's definitely worth it if you really want it BUT you should be aware that the healing process is NOT a walk in the park. Hopefully someone reading this was on the fence before and this helped them make a choice, who knows lol

[fiovske]

I make more enemies than i make friends.

maybe it's the tempestuous disposition, how I look angry most of the time and if anything, sound indifferent when I speak but more people would say I'm annoying than they'd say I'm calm; and is it weird that knowing people dislike me, that hate is only on the fringes of the apathy I inspire is what makes me feel calm at all? that I have no significance in their lives and I feel at ease with that.

sure I get lonely. sure I have friends. but we see each other maybe two times a year if we're being generous. an entire year. I dont trust anybody I know and I don't know anybody i trust. people only know pieces of me scattered like an unfinished puzzle never the full picture. so when they say 'you can trust me' it only makes me trust them less. when they say 'i care about you' it. rings hollow in my ears and doesn't mean anything to me. I wish it did but... it doesnt. people drift people leave people go. it doesn't bother me, I think. it shouldn't. I know my nature to be overtly critical of myself is exhausting and the need to isolate whenever things get rough for me has cost me more friends than I'd like to admit. So many have offered help, asked me what's wrong? and i couldn't say a goddamn word. all I ever say.. is "i don't know."

but I do know. i know I am crass and rough around the edges. I know I'm bitter and eager to please at the same time. I know I hate myself but I cannot for the life of me equate my self-worth with anything but achievements I desperately want. I know I'm not scared of death but I am scared of dying before I have done enough and I am scared of the pain. I don't want to be a disappointment but I am the most disappointing person I know. I sound too distant when I am trying to help people and I think that distance helps me get a better perspective but I also know people want it to be personal but I cant. ever really make it personal. I am not prone to accepting help or even asking for it bc I believe I'll manage I'll find a solution and later, when I have solved it, I will have a nice story to tell and we can all laugh about it.

but the camp fire is empty when I sit down around it and the fire's gone out. it's cold and I don't feel angry or bitter or ababdoned. I just feel a bit sad, that I couldn't get here on time. that while I was busy isolating and trying to solve my own problems everyone ... left. the got tired they don't owe me this emotional toil and they left. and I respect that. I cannot hold it against people for choosing to do what's best for them. it's not their fault that words of affirmation do not work on me. that I don't talk about my problems bc telling me 'it'll be alright' when I cant solve my problem doesn't help me in any way it only makes me more frustrated w myself. so I isolate myself until I have solved the problem and I'm akin to bring nonverbal altogether while I'm going through the toil of it. so they get frustrated and between these frustrations and ultimatums...people leave. and I understand that.

but is it weird that in this strange inbetweens of solitude and alone... that I feel at ease? that I feel okay. that I knew this was gonna happen eventually and it did. and that's ok bc I knew it would. I understand why people wouldn't want to be around me and i empathize without any ill-will or judgement. sometime around this cold campfire where I feel I convinced myself I liked being alone so much that it stuck around like a hollow feeling, a twinge of regret. but it doesn't matter. I hope people are happy now as they are, even away from me. I hope someday I achieve enough of the things I want to so that I might be able to go back to them with something more than the person I was when we parted ways. I want to be worthy of the friendships I never had. even if we can never be friends again.

I want to be worthy of the people whose time and energy was wasted on me. I want to do better for myself by myself and I want to do it alone so I can hold my head high and say the grit was all mine and I've earned the right to value my self worth as worthy. someday.

maybe I am terribly empathetic to everyone but myself but I don't know if I'd ever have it any other way. the campfire is cold and I don't have people I could ask help from and maybe I'll light the fire someday. I hope we can sit around this fire and we will someday hear about my problems once I've overcome them. and i could apologize to everyone I shut out and still continue to do the same; we could all laugh and drink and unpack. maybe they'll forgive me and maybe for the first time I'll believe them.

I'll light the fire someday. make that camp nice and cozy. but I have to gather the wood I have to find a match. I have to go into the forests and find resources to build this little reconciliation point. I'm not there yet. but I hope someday I will be.

[punkscowardschampions]

Joe & Ronnie

Joe: [St Patrick's Day 2016] Joe: Ron Joe: Come back, I ain't going 'til tomorrow Ronnie: fuck you Ronnie: go now what the fuck does it matter Joe: It matters to me Joe: every fucking second away does and I don't care if you know it Ronnie: then dont Joe: I missed Christmas, they don't care that I bullshitted I had the flu Joe: had to do everything to stop them flying over to get me, and it was my sister's 16th so they're all on one about how long it's been Ronnie: and I dont care if they believe your bullshit or not Ronnie: I care that youre a useless cunt Ronnie: I care that youre being a fucking pussy Joe: I know you do Joe: I'm sorry or I didn't ask you to, the end result is the same 'cos I can't fucking not go, s'been months, any longer they will do something about it and fuck that Ronnie: get out of my fucking face mckenna Ronnie: youre not worth shit to me like this Joe: I don't want to and you didn't want me to five seconds 'fore you slammed the door in my face so Ronnie: give a shit what you want Ronnie: grow a pair while youre there or dont bother coming back like Joe: that's what you want, yeah? Ronnie: like you care Ronnie: go ask your ma what she wants Ronnie: or your sister Ronnie: shes legal to fuck now what do you need me for Joe: I want to make you happy, not them Ronnie: I told you what to fucking do Joe: I reckon I've got a better idea Ronnie: are you gonna say it Joe: come with me Ronnie: thats not funny Joe: I'm not trying to be Ronnie: it better be a fucking joke Joe: why not? Ronnie: fuck you Ronnie: you know every reason why not Joe: so it wouldn't make you even a bit happy to fuck her family up Joe: say you don't care but you do enough to hate her Ronnie: shut up Ronnie: I hate you Joe: go on then, do it and I won't be able to go back Joe: then you can chuck me if you hate me so much and I'll have nothing but another bad habit Ronnie: I aint the kind of sister to fight your battles for you Joe: now who's being pussy Joe: I'm ready to do it Joe: tell them everything Joe: show 'em Joe: what's the issue Ronnie: still you Ronnie: thats the issue Ronnie: you think you want it til I start it Joe: Name one thing you've started that I ain't wanted Ronnie: there aint a name for this Ronnie: you dont get it Ronnie: and youre not ready for it Joe: fuck that Joe: I don't love them I love you Joe: don't get involved then, I'm trying to give you something here Joe: but if I stop going, then they'll come, and it'll just happen here Ronnie: youre trying to give yourself something Ronnie: but I aint no performing monkey and you cant put me back in my box when you start shitting yourself Ronnie: there wont be one Ronnie: there wont be fuck all left Joe: Good Joe: what about me says that I want anything Joe: there's always heroin Ronnie: you want me to get arrested then yeah Ronnie: get rid of me like that Joe: I won't let that happen Joe: I'd take the blame before it did Ronnie: youre not listening Ronnie: you wont have any control Ronnie: you dont Ronnie: not over me Joe: I don't need any Joe: I don't want to control you Joe: I want you to do exactly what you want Joe: to me, to them, to the fucking world, that's what I always want Joe: you don't have to come, I thought you wanted to, wanted this Ronnie: stop flirting with me you sick fuck Ronnie: I cant think Joe: it's gone beyond flirting Joe: you've got 'til tomorrow to think Joe: come back Joe: please Ronnie: stop telling me what to fucking do Ronnie: or not do Ronnie: fucks sake Joe: I'm just saying if you don't come then I'll do it on my own Joe: that's just how it is Joe: I don't wanna do it no more, go back, not be here, with you Joe: pretend, more than I have to Ronnie: like fuck are you doing it without me Ronnie: the look on her face thats mine not yours Ronnie: a life for a life Joe: then it's settled Joe: come back though, I know Charlie and Bronson have got fuck all decent in to calm you down Ronnie: theyve got fuck all of anything now like Ronnie: having it in me already is the only reason youre getting words off me instead of a boot in your face Joe: gutted Joe: just for them, before you accuse me of flirting with you again Ronnie: yeah didnt reckon youd follow through on that Joe: if you'd come home I could give you everything you want Joe: close enough that it don't matter no more Ronnie: if I make it that easy neither of us will want it Ronnie: stop fucking crying Joe: what did they have then, make me cry some more with a trip report Ronnie: nursery school shit Ronnie: talk to me about this show and tell you wanna put on Joe: so my dad owns this pub, yeah Joe: st paddy's obviously best day and night of the year for business Joe: it'll be packed Ronnie: no shit Joe: do more damage if there's a crowd to hear and see Ronnie: then what Joe: depends Joe: loads of ways you could do it Joe: it's pretty obvious on both counts what we're trying to say together Joe: leave the rest up to you Ronnie: I know what I'm gonna do Ronnie: I don't trust you to pussy out first chance you get Ronnie: not* Joe: tell me Ronnie: I dont do foreplay Ronnie: fuck alls changed that much since I walked out Joe: alright Joe: could accuse you of being a tease about it but I can wait Ronnie: all those pint glasses on offer are the tease when you know how I feel about glass Ronnie: better lover than you Joe: won't take it personal Joe: made you look this good and I get to look so Ronnie: it only matters that you do take it baby Joe: whatever you give me Joe: and obviously, all this Joe: [drug haul!] Joe: i need to be comatose with you Ronnie: you shouldve started with the offer of that threesome Ronnie: Id be back ages ago Joe: if I made it that easy.. Ronnie: 🖕 Joe: alright, come get yours Joe: hurry up Joe: she's staring at me Ronnie: Im not your bitch Ronnie: Ill be there when im done ✂🪒 Joe: you wanna give them something to remember you by? Ronnie: theyll remember Joe: you gonna bleed for me too though Ronnie: im only doing my hair Ronnie: fuck all else is as fun without an audience Ronnie: dont get excited Joe: awh, you do care Ronnie: do you want me to cut your tongue out so you dont sound as rem as you look tomorrow Ronnie: care about that Joe: ✋🤚 long as you leave all ten relatively unscathed Ronnie: gotta leave myself something Ronnie: youre a shit enough ride already Ronnie: do I sound 🍀 now Joe: exactly like my exes Joe: well about it Ronnie: dont go round saying you were a virgin Ronnie: *nt Ronnie: more embarrassing Joe: oh, reckoned part of your big show was saying you deflowered me Joe: they're gonna be horrified enough though Ronnie: theyd believe it if you wanna go that far with the show Joe: don't reckon that's your plan Joe: but an interesting one Joe: I'll 🤔 on it Ronnie: your ma dont turn me on but neither do you so Id give it a shot Ronnie: reckon youll be horny enough for all of us Joe: the shit will have worn off by then, don't remind me Ronnie: how longs the flight? Joe: hour and a half, bit under Ronnie: 💔 Joe: I know Joe: long enough that all the mile-high cliches are gonna flood right back in Joe: more of a flight risk, should let me have my drugs instead Ronnie: no batteries no sharp objects no point Joe: you're hard to please, my dear Joe: and well selective Joe: the air hostesses, less so if they're even gonna consider it Ronnie: 💘 Joe: you want me to tell 'em you're coming or element of surprise Joe: what's your poison Ronnie: long as it eats away at her I dont give a shit Ronnie: tell em Ronnie: how excited I am Joe: 👍 Joe: on it Ronnie: lay it on well thick Ronnie: make sure theyve all got the taste in their mouths Joe: I know how to breed hope Joe: look at my shining education and musical genius Ronnie: almost hot til you ruined it Joe: one day I'll get you Ronnie: chuck your empty promises at that lot Joe: not the point no more Joe: don't just need my ✋🤚 for you Joe: string for my supper 'til I choke, that's the plan 🎻💉 Joe: can put my diploma on their wall if they want but give a fuck Ronnie: use it for roll ups Ronnie: like a hotel bible Joe: you're really gonna be that hot and not be here Joe: sounds like you Ronnie: it only gets hot when you start thinking about what poison youre gonna lace the 🚬 with Joe: you ever smoked wet? Ronnie: you wanna pop my 🍒 Joe: yeah Joe: only fair Ronnie: who plays fair Joe: hallucinations, disorientation, impaired coordination, paranoia, sexual disinhibition, and visual disturbances Joe: don't play 'cos it's fair, play 'cos it's fun Ronnie: alright you got me Joe: say again Joe: I can get that over there Joe: can smoke some 'fore the show Ronnie: sexual disinhibition Ronnie: thas the show you want Ronnie: I called it Joe: sue me Joe: or worse, obviously 🔪😍 Ronnie: 💉 Ronnie: Ill play and Im leaving Ronnie: dont start todays show without me Joe: you don't have enough hair to be taking this long Ronnie: I was using a broken mirror Joe: Charlie'll be fuming Ronnie: so was I when I broke it Joe: got all the shards out? Ronnie: not my first time Ronnie: youre getting 🍒 greedy now Joe: could've distracted me from the bag with a video or something Joe: you're being selfish, alternative title Ronnie: [sends him something only theyd be into, lord knows] Ronnie: take what youre given and lick it up Ronnie: im not a fucking charity Joe: 👅 Ronnie: ill bring you a shard to put on it the fun can really start Joe: 💘 Ronnie: you can fuck off calling me selfish like Joe: I'll take it back when I feel it Ronnie: yeah Ronnie: you will Joe: you still hate me, like Ronnie: only fair baby Joe: of course Joe: what kind of sick fuck Ronnie: theyll be lining up to tell you tomorrow Joe: might be worth sticking around for Joe: shame, they would make it fun when I'm trying to leave Ronnie: the lads mustve got that memo Ronnie: nothing more fun than a street fight Ronnie: gimme a sec to knock em out Joe: playing nice better or worse than playing fair Ronnie: you tell me soft lad Ronnie: youve had it up to the back teeth Joe: definitely worse Joe: fair was never a big concern with them but less soul-destroying Ronnie: ill rip mine all out before I use em to smile nice Ronnie: playing the way anyone else wants aint a big concern Joe: 🦷🦷 more useful than 👅 Ronnie: dont cry I wont I know what you like Joe: what did I do to deserve you eh Ronnie: you dont Joe: very true Ronnie: but your fucked family deserve me and ill let you watch Joe: suits me Ronnie: yeah you get everything you want Ronnie: this aint any different Joe: got a load of shit I don't want too, that makes up for it Ronnie: not gonna watch you cry fuck joining in Joe: just be here then Ronnie: im coming Joe: shouldn't have gone in the first place Ronnie: thats your fucking fault Joe: yeah Joe: but don't leave me Ronnie: if I wanted you gone Id kill you Joe: you're so considerate Joe: any time Ronnie: you aint getting out of tomorrow Ronnie: ill strap your rotting corpse into a plane seat before I go on my fucking own Joe: I want to be there Joe: and I wouldn't make you go alone either way Ronnie: mckenna Joe: what Ronnie: dont fuck it up Joe: that's your role Joe: is there anything you actually want me to do or just watch Ronnie: stay out of my way Joe: done Ronnie: 💘

[blackribbonofficialheadcanons]

Spite list: vent

Get that fucking dumbass credit card so you can leave this painful state. Bonus points if it gets uncle to shut up about it.

Get the pointless excuse slip from the doctor so you can stay in Commons (stomach+migraine) cause fuck that supervisor he can shove a whole dick up his ass.

Neuropsychologist to figure out what the fuck is wrong!

If ADHD get med to help focus? So you can get the fuck out of here and live your own goddamn life and stop feeling like you have to do what other people tell you to do.

Just get the fuck out of here.

Work for yourself! This "because I told you so" shit is really starting to piss me off and I cant continue my life like this.

I think the suicidal thoughts are coming back

I don't want them back

Sometimes i think it would be easier if i didn't exist

Why isn't that a socially acceptable option?

I don't HAVE to be here

There's nothing going wrong in my life. So why do i not want to be here? Why am i not happy?

Why do i always break from the monotony and function of "that's just how this world works"? Especially when i know it doesn't have to work like this. But it only does to spite me and people like me without concern or malice. (Which might be worse) at least if the world outright hated me then my frustration would be supported and understood.

Study up on what car you want next i guess.

Would it be worth getting that tattoo?

Do i waste my money?

I literally save most my paycheck and uncle invests a chunk. I dont spend a lot.

I waste my money.

I think i waste my time too.

Im so tired.

I sleep too much.

I don't do enough.

I make all these lists and i don't do anything on them.

I don't allow myself to be mean. Its too much trouble and only makes things worse.

Why cant I just cuss someone out just a little sometimes?

Why cant i just cry?

Im not okay sometimes

I dont think i remember that im not okay sometimes

Ill forget this tomorrow

Not "forget" but it'll be fuzzy. A statement of fact rather than a memory.

I know people love me.

I dont miss people when they're gone.

I dont fear being alone.

I fear people getting mad at me and stop loving me if they realize I don't need them.

Will they think Im heartless?

Im not.

I don't like talking

People don't like that.

I won't remember you.

People don't like that either

I'll move on and leave you behind as a pleasant phantom in my memory that ill never be able to place

I think that's fine. Preferable actually.

That thought hurts others.

Why do so many fear being forgotten and left behind?

Isn't being forgotten preferable?

I used to be motivated by spite. Now even that isn't enough

I feel like im doing something wrong. I dont know what.

Im so lucky to have my family

Im lucky to live like i do

Im lucky to not have to worry about bills and rent and resources

Im lucky i got out at all

Im lucky it wasnt as bad as it could've been

But i didnt do any of that

It was handed and given to me

Did i earn any of what i have?

I didnt earn my first car

...........

How do you earn love?

How do you earn care?

They say i worked hard for what i have.... Did I?

The easiest job ive ever had has paid the most. I like my job. I was originally told not to apply this time around.

College was the hardest and most costly. I hated it. I was pressured into it.

Should i just do what makes me happy at the risk of disappointing loved ones? Or the risk of failing horribly and burdening them with my failure and need of help?

So im passively suicidal again today. So i got something to eat and drank some water. Didnt realize it had been so long since i did either of those. I'm feeling extremely disillusioned with people and reality right now.

I cant believe some dumb bitch thought having a baby would save her marriage and now not only did she still break up now shes dead and I legally cant check out of an existence I never asked for. Like why am I forced to live in a world I was brought into against my will? I can quit a job, relationship, school, anything else at any moment in time. But I'm not allowed to quit life. That's bullshit.

Im sick of being nice all the time. Im sick of having to be the bigger person all the time. Im sick of being kind and patient until I snap and suddenly Im overreacting. And when i try to talk about the problem before i snap its always brushed off because i apparently don't act "distressed" enough.

[pokefanbri]

When you feel the world has turned its back on you, or you turn your back on the world.

I promise will never, I will never make you feel like you're alone, that you cant come to me at your weakest because I would do what I can to help you be strong & help you up when you're down. That I'll take care of you, You're pain is my pain & I will help you the best of my ability to see it through with you. You will never have to worry of my locality or trust fading, because if I love you, you won't ever have to question how much & I will do everything in my power to do right by you. But my forgiveness shouldn't be abused or taken for granted to where my respect & love fades, just makes it harder when trust is being built & the taken away...its really not hard to show worthiness just dont be shitty to people.

Just know if you need me,I'll be there, I truly mean it, just don't walk all over me & lie to me makes things so much worse then it has to be, do right from the start. My heart is pure, but it's been hurt so much because it cares so much about the people that have broken & taken advantage of it, and even when destroyed, let down, & weakened its still loves with a passion..not completely broken but puts on another bandaid & keeps going.

Men are more complex than it seems. But I know they love & care of those that love them the most. I just don't know how he'd feel if he lost me too, if it would hurt just as much. If he loves & cares about me like he says, why hurt me at all, its unfair 😔 If im to really love somebody fully, they just have to be the sword to my shield, & fight along side me, by a good rock to get through things with. Hopefully reach a true purpose & something bigger than ourselves. Care for eachother & have our backs, because who else is gonna look after us when nobody else can. We have to look out for eachother. I'd much rather not lose hope, & not lose a dear friend over foolish things or whatever lost in translation when we're so much better than that, it's not worth the pain that comes with it, & beats having to lose somebody that means so much. With equal understanding & validation of our feelings I know we can overcome things if we believe we can, doubting ourselves & being so full of guilt & regret gets nowhere, & we punish ourselves cuz we don't know what we're doing or how to handle it. It's just how do we come to terms with everything that happened, find peace..to forgive ourselves so we can forgive eachother for the mistakes we've made & how alone we felt when together & worse now that we're apart..all of if that got us to where we are now...its a whole mess. Whats the point in breaking somebodys heart that had nothing but good intentions for you. Its hard enouph to find someone who genuinely cares about you. We're both pretty strong willed, strong when things are tough & only even stronger together.

I hate to admit it, but he did drastically shaped me into who I am now & where I currently am life. Which makes me feel my life was formed to this point, directed & led to him for a reason, he helped shape me, make me better, something did..because I'd do anything for him & be there for him if he needed me even if I was hurt which is so fucked & im worth so much more but he still for whatever reason is worth it to me..& cause we had a messed up beginning to something that could've been greater there's alot left unfinished. I feel so damn empty & lost without him, I feel stuck & trapped with nowhere else to go & I'm just waiting to be saved. I just want to see his face again, hug him tight, be his best friend again & show him as much light as I can. Really look into his eyes & show him how much he means to me. Because he's the best person I've ever met & he has no idea what my heart goes through for him. I miss him so much & it hurts that he's not here. He became a purpose & priority the moment I laid eyes on him & its so hard to let him go, I feel like I can't when theres supposed to be more than what I was I given & chances that have been blown without understanding why or how to fix it 😭. I can't go on with my soul somewhere else. Honestly my heart hasn't felt anything like this for anyone before, which makes the pain of the loss even more dreadful to bear. I don't want to lose him, he was the world to me, we were good to eachother the best we could but fell short, it happens..I know it in my heart we could do even better if we just try. But I also know it'll take time, even space to get a grasp on things & I just have to be patient.

When I love with a full & unimaginably heavy heart it doesn't care about getting hurt, it's the risk it takes to try & find somewhere it belongs. It has to hurt so that it knows the depth of how it can really love. And for intended purposes, I feel it's reached its cap when it comes to him. But is weaker & lost without him. Sorry to say but it's the God honest truth.

I have to let this out & say this now at my emotions peek while I can, cuz im a tired wreck rn that's literally crying out in anguish for him to hear her. There's no way to contact & I need him so much right now. I know he's around.. so where ever you are babe I hope you're hearing me somehow. I'm so sorry, I don't mean to be a nonstop wreckless talking idiot but I need to be heard just as much u know. Im probably too blunt & brutally honest sometimes for my own good too, but take with a grain of salt I don't mean to trouble you or cause you anxiety too or anything I miss things if I don't pay attention to every text give.. me a break? I have regrets & worry when anything I could say could mess things up when I mean well. Please don't be scared or hide,take all the time you need but plz dont leave me hanging again, the chance wasn't ruined it's okay. Hurts so much but I don't hold it against you just talk to me, where do we go from here, the things we've said we meant them..they can't just be taken back we've been through this before with unfulfilled promises...how do u say good heartwarming things without real meaning to it, just gets lost & forgotten, brushed aside like they meant nothing. Mean whats said & give me more credit where it's due, meet me in the middle,communicate, i can't do 1 sided decisions in general or relationship wise I need to be heard too.. understand me too & help me understand you more. Im just trying the best I can. We're grown as people we should be able & mature enough to not do the same dumb things over again when it should've been better. Idk pave a good path not destroy it right? Is this a minor setback or can we actually make a major comeback? Please forgive me,you know you can trust me. Just tell me it's gonna be okay, we'll be okay, reassure but be able to back it up. You must know how scared I am to lose you I just can't babe you're 1 in a million to me. Please don't give up before we even start. I still care about you nomatter what. Realistically, u know as well as I how shitty of a situation this is, we're besides ourselves, & can be a pain in eachothers butts...but we can make it through I just know it. I promise I will be there for you. Always

I hope you miss me too. I love you

I hope you're okay & well, & are eating well.

Take care of yourself, Hopefully talk soon if you're up for it