itsventingtime

[itsventingtime]

I had a dream about her last night too

I was holding her begging her not to go

"Dont leave me" i cried

Sometimes i regret asking for mercy

If i was more selfish maybe she'd still be here ... fighting

I dreamt of her big - like fat - she'd never been like that in life..

I hope she's eating well and being happy

I hope after July everything is settled and we can all move on in peace

[itsventingtime]

I see so many stories of cats protecting their owners from harm.

Whether it be people or situations the cats will act to allow either time or awareness

Mine does the same

But not in the same way

She protects me from myself

Because when I want to turn to a permanent solution to a temporary problem

I'll think of her

Of who would take care of her

Of where she would go after

Of how to explain what i've done to her

I call her my familiar

My partner thinks its coz i like a lot of fairytales

But we both know better

[itsventingtime]

" If its not with him i wont have it at all "

I find myself saying this so much to myself recently.

And its when he does something thay annoys me or when he does something that doesnt sit quite right.

And contrary to what it might be interpreted as - my meaning is :

If this doesnt work out with him I wont pursue romance with another ;

Simplified:

I prefer to be alone

[itsventingtime]

So there's this trend of "Pink Tote Bag" where you tell your most poignent childhood trauma from your parent(s)

I came across a video explaining that narcissistic mothers raise daughters that are anxious and try to be low maintenance

It reminds me of being a teenager and screaming and laughing or showing emotions loudly and getting told off for it.

It reminds me of when I moved out I mentally told myself I could scream and cry and laugh as loud as I wanted - come home whenever I wanted

I never want to leave home now - the comfort and safety of my room there has spread to the whole house here.

[itsventingtime]

Its my first birthday without Momma

It was hard at 12am

Its ok now

I saw some shooting stars last night and I couldnt think of any wishes

But I did think of her and said Hi

I think we need that sometimes

Little rituals we put big significances in

It helps us soothes the part of us that loves eternally and grieves constantly

[itsventingtime]

Holyyy shittttt im the heaviest ive ever been

83.2

83.2KG

I am less than 5"

Coincidentally i am the most miserable ive been. Though that correlation should have nothing to do with my weight I feel that being active might help elevate my limbs from aching and feeling stiff

We'll see - i felt a change in the air before and it was hopeful

We'll push on with that feeling and make the necessary steps to do what we must.

[itsventingtime]

Soo this happened:

I got a feeling to pick up Animal Crossing a week ago and i finally did and found this letter in the mail -

And ive been crying over it for 10 mins.

But its not the same pain as before where it crushes my chest and i feel i cant breathe

Its more shock than anything. The fresh reminder that i no longer have this person around.

But its also like receiving a message actually from her-

In it i read - i am fed, i am at peace, i am happy

And i cant help be grateful and happy for her

What a relief you've found a place where you no longer suffer as you did here

... Maybe heaven exists afterall

[itsventingtime]

Periodic breakdown over money that has to go to paying off Mom's debts to the government ✔️

What do we do ?

What we must

[itsventingtime]

I was so desperate to believe you'd visit me i planted sampagitas in my balcony

Times when its quiet after the rain - the soft breeze and the sweet scent will always make me think of you.

[itsventingtime]

I realised how important my family name is to some people - mainly my cousin.

My mom had left things in a mess and when my cousin was helping me sort it all out and i casually said my mom's married name she paused and said:

"That's right your mom married into our family."

To her my mom belonged to another family - to her maiden family

I like to think its because she's seen the result of her decisions on my Dad (her uncle) and myself and because of that she did not recognise her as one of us

I will tell you right now i have never felt so accepted and belonged somewhere until my cousin wholeheartly said to me " Of course because you're a [insert family name] - there are no fools in our family. "

[itsventingtime]

Pure bliss

Actual happiness

Welcome back

I've missed you

Heart lifting joy

Stay a while

As I appreciate the simplicity in which you came

[itsventingtime]

ONCE MORE

Just once more

I want to see this come through my phone

Just once more

I want to

Just chat

[itsventingtime]

I hope my parents get another shot

Another chance to have a whole lifetime together

I saw my dad today - he came over ... he was happy and chatty. I was glad of his company. I didnt say much but I helped with his taxes

He talks cheerfully but I feel so lonely when I think of him

He encouraged me to come over and I will - I will I WILL

I'll being Arti and some food and we can talk and hang.

He wanted to go to Europe in 2025 Oct but I asked if he could push it back 1 more year in 2026 since i'd have leave then

He said thats ok to do

I hope I'm better by then

I hope we both are

I wish my Dad felt he was loved by Mom

All the sacrifice he did and things he went through for her. I wish she remembered and was grateful

I wish they can have another shot in their next lifetime

P.S this is staying out of my playlists coz i dont want to be an emotional wreck out in the wild

[itsventingtime]

They knew - we all did

[itsventingtime]

Its been just over two months and food has finally tasted correct

Indulgences ive had up till last night tasted off... like the meat wasnt quite right or the food didnt have the same "feel" to it it usually did

Yesterday that changed. I ate korean BBQ at a normal establishment and it tasted how it always did - delicious and enjoyable. The meat was tender and had that flavour even without the salt or the sauce

I still think about her - it feels like a lot more than usual these days

I would have the urge to call and update her or tell her the latest absurdity that happened at work and get stopped by the rememberance that she's not there to take my calls anymore

I dont feel like she's even here to watch over me - not in a vindictive way; more that she's been moved on to another place where she cant watch what we do

I hope she got issekai-ed

I hope she gets another chance at life

Carefree and not work orientated

I hope she realises in her other life that it was worth taking days off to experience things

I hope in her next life she isnt bound by the obligation to take care of other people and focuses on herself

I hope she enjoys her time being alive in the next life

[itsventingtime]

She visited me ! I'm so happy

We were in my old room in their home

And she was in my bed and I was attending to her

We were having a great time

She didnt say much - not that I can remember

But she looked at me a great deal like she did the night we came to her but her eyes were like they always were instead like that night

She looked so much better than the last time I saw her too - like what she always used to look like

The room was very dream-like

Lots of light - blurry around the edges

She looked at me a lot - smiled at me

Thank you Momma

[itsventingtime]

I dreamt of her

She was laying on me and I remember bending my head down to give her a kiss on her head

I remember how her head felt to kiss

Soft curls and a very hard head

The feeling so palpable I woke up acting out my dream - in the middle of a kiss to the top of her head as she lay on my chest

I remember the last time i lay on her chest - it was in Sydney and I listened to her heartbeat so intently, as if commiting it to memory - maybe I did

I feel comforted - she visited me

Maybe she always had and I never remembered

Maybe the tightness in my chest when I wake in the morning is my body reacting to being pulled away from her