#i dont even know how long of a break i need. every one ive taken so far hasn't helped. but complete deactivation wont either

[qumiiiquinnquin]

i keep going back to the thought of deleting all of my art, but i dont because people say really nice things and it motivates me to keep drawing, but at the same time i feel like they're just being nice to me and are only saying it because my art is just that shitty that they feel bad. i know there's better people than me. i know people prefer others over me. i know numbers shouldnt mean anything. thats one of the fastest ways to hate your own art on the internet. i only made these accounts because i wanted to share my art with people. if i feel so bad about what i make to the point of wanting to delete it all and burn my physical art, and i feel like im just being humored by people as long as i keep creating day in day out beyond the point of arthritis and other health issues, what then

[noellefan101]

How do the different yanderes "love" you? (plus some tropes(??) i feel like would fit them)

this was honeslty just practice, and it ended up turning into smt kinda decent, i dont love what ive written but i just needed to get our smt

i blame @fatuismooches for being lovely and having such good harbinger thoughts that they've taken over my mind (fuck you[said with affection])

Yandere! Childe, Scaramouche, Dottore(separate) x gn reader

Childe ("soft and sweet" x unloving and hates touch)

He just spoils you left and right, he feels a little bad when he sees the uncomfortable look in your eyes when he kisses you all over, or when he touches you too much. so he has chosen to spoil you rotten until you finally fall for him, or at least see the way he can take care of you and finally kiss him back.

[He loves you, and that should be known by now, so why do you force his hands to do this, "why cant you just love him like he is", those were the last words you heard before he brought something to your lips and made you drink something unknown]

You are incredibly lucky that the 11th Harbinger is this patient with you, but dont push it too much, he can go to more bloody measures of getting you to fall for him if he sees it's needed. dont worry he wont hurt you too much, he loves you too much to do that, but love is complicated and you cant always control whom you fall in love with, so just love him will you, darling?

after all he knows the aphrodisiac he gave you wont last forever, so it would be better to just fall for him manually, right?

Scaramouche (manipulative, powerful x easily manipulated, weak[...i didnt know what to do here lol])

He might seem like he doesn't love at all, but when you aren't being dragged around to missions and meetings, and all alone with him in your shared chambers, he loves to just hug you, maybe litter kisses on your neck and collarbone. you hated it at first, and you still kind of do, but you've long since gotten used to it all.

He show his love for you when he has his hands all over your body as you dress into the clothes he picked out for you. he cant keep himself off of your lovely body, but would kill if anyone even touch a strand of your hair.

But oh how could you try 'nd leave when this weak little puppet is crying in your arms every night, when he has nightmares about you leaving him, dying when he can't be there to protect you... oh how foolish you are, how stupid you must be to fall for such things, as he has long since abandoned the idea of ever letting go of you.

And he'll make sure you dont let go of him either, because you need him. after all he was the one to save you from danger when you were stupid enough to walk too far into a hilichurl camp. you need protection, and he's rgith here willing to give it for "free".

Dottore (crazy scientist and his crazy lover[aka yandere x yandere but worse])

You lvoe each other in ways normal human minds wouldn't dream of ever understanding. he smiled when you gave him a dead body for experimenting, and the worst part? you had the biggest grin on your face, and a massive amount of blood on your hands and clothes, much to the dismay of many onlookers.

And then there's the fact that neither of you even spare a glance at the amount of blood on the others' clothes, or at least it looks like you don't. but when you are in the privacy of your shared bedroom (though filled with dead onlookers in the closet) you reward each other for getting rid of anyone who dares to interrupt, or archons forbid break, the love you two have.

It has been made a daily occurrence for you both to randomly disappear from the building with a fatui agent, who had taken too much attention from the other, and then come back alone with bloodied hands, and being greeted by a two-minute-long kiss when opening the lap doors again.

just two crazy maniacs in love, awwww (if they arent wanted in at least 6 nations they need to be)

thx for reading whatever this is, luv ya -Masterlist

You are welcome to reblog and like any of my posts, but you CAN NOT translate, copy or hate on anybody for liking my posts

[psychabolition]

Hi. I was the person who sent the ask about what needs to be done instead of psychiatry. I only just read your response now. In the time between sending the ask and now I���ve done a lot more research into anti-psychiatry and psych abolition. I understand how it’s an oppressive system and how it harms people. I agree with the need to dismantle it. But as soon as I read the response to my ask I broke down crying.

You talk about the importance of community. Or being able to rely on friends in times of crisis rather than therapists and psychiatrists. I have no community. No friends. I used to think I was okay with that. But I guess I was lying to myself. I am considered distasteful to be around. Scratch that, I actively make myself distasteful to be around. Because then I can at least expect people to inevitably hate me rather than have high expectations and be let down every single time. I’m desperately waiting for my therapy appointment in two days. I know I need someone better. Someone who I can actually tell that I cut myself a couple days ago without them deciding that I need everything I love taken away from me for who knows how long. But I fear I will never have someone better. I fear that even my therapist only tolerates talking to me because they’re paid to tolerate it.

You post about the importance of community if we are to break free from oppressive systems. How do we build that community? How?

Hey !! Thank you for your ask !

I totally understand you . Like I literally know exactly what thats like , trust me.

Ik that "community" is such a vague word that it almost sounds meaningless . Like wtf is that? In my opinion most people just have work colleagues or school mates or other students in their lectures and then go home to a nuclear family or to their partner - this is not "living in community" 💀💀💀. Most people dont live in community, our society (at least western societies like in europe - idk about others) is so fucking alienating . Any emotional connection is replaced w a hierarchy - teacher, prof, therapist, the nuclear family , your boss at work, even intimate relationships with a partner are like that in our patriarchal society . And then the people who you are on the same page as, youre pit against them - you need to be better than your work colleagues to get that promotion or at least so you dont get fired, you need to be able to pass that test alone in university/school otherwise you fall behind your peers or are literally excluded from visiting school/uni , a lot of friendships between women (or FLINTA* to be more accurate) fall apart because of cis men ... FUCK this society .

And then theres those of us that dont fit into this bullshit society. I dont care for a career in a job that will definitely bore me to death or overwork me till suicide and I have 0 interest in creating my own nuclear family after all the awful bullshit Ive had to endure because of the one I was born into. Like these are the 2 life options for us . Of course I was suicidal all the time as a teenager😭I couldnt imagine a future in a world where these are the only options in life !!!! Why are so many people NOT insane ? Who actually likes living this way ????? And if we cant or dont want to submit to "career via education and/or nuclear family" we're worth nothing in this society . We're ostracized ,isolated, stigmatized .

What Im dealing w right now is also connected to all that . the nuclear family that I grew up in wants to stop supporting me financially bc I dont submit to societal expectations of career and education .💀 a lot of my friends are also struggling w literally paying rent bc their parents randomly stopped giving them money for similiar reasons, its awful . This is why the nuclear family is the opposite of community to me. I'd do anything for my friends so they dont go homeless or without food or without support no matter their life choices and especially if they struggle I want to be there for them MORE not less .FUCK our parents fuck the nuclear family . They all slowly start to cut us off and make our lives hell because they dont fucking care about us and they never did .

Anyway . You dont have to built a new community obviously. So the question you need to ask yourself is - where does community still/already exist in your area ? Especially for those of us who deviate A LOT from social norms and "normal" life experiences . I can only talk about myself - Ive found solace in Subcultures that are from and for people who deviate extremely from social norms. Ive linked another ask that Ive answered where I listed all the subcultures that Ive somehow somewhen have heard people around me be a part of. Ik that it can also be very hard to get to be a part of those subcultures if youre not used to being around people (especially groups) but literally . Just keep trying, any subculture thats made up out of outcasts is very welcoming and very accepting. Also usually (at least in my experience) the subcultures are all conntected which is really cool because once you know people from one community you start to know a lot of people from other communities too ! It can still take time though . For me it only took 1 good friendship to a person whos in a subculture in my city to get to know many other people who are all actually part of a real community.

If you have a political subject that youre passionate about like anti psych or abolishing prisons or if there are other subjects that are important to you (animal liberation, youth liberation, climate crisis, queerfeminism , ... ?) I highly recommend a political group as a way to find community and to get into the subcultures in your area . You'll finally stop feeling powerless against oppressive institutions if you manage to actually change something through activism . Any and all activism also connects you a lot to the place that youre living in and the people with similiar struggles around you. Go to Antifa or communists - they have open meetings for newcomers all the time . Or try to join any other subculture - read the ask that I linked !! If youre queer for example thats awesome - go to a queer event Now . Being queer has always had so much culture, so much community .

Also trust me youre not awful to be around . You'll realize that youre actually cool to be around when you spend time w your friends and they appreciate you . and youll also stop having thoughts and fears about not being able to trust them or about them judging you or about how it must be awful to spend time with you (or whatever else you might think) when you have fun spending time together and you regularly see each other and you value each others time. You just havent met your people yet. Dont worry , you will.

[tojiscrack]

HAPPY NEW YEAR SUMAYAAAAA

i've made my return to your inbox once more

'never sending asks to entitled mfs ever again 🫨'

dude yeah. anytime i send an ask to someone ab like nonrequest stuff, and they dont respond, i never send an ask again 💀💀💀💀

'bUT I’M NOT UNCULTURED I SWEAR 😭'

right... enjoy your beans and toast....

'i’m literally gonna hijack a plane going to canada, i swear 😕'

LMAOOO I SUPPORT IT

'i was younger, and now i’m older, but i mean irl. like yuji’s birth year (alongside his friends) is around 2002-2003.'

OHHHHHH OKAY THAT MAKES MORE SENSE! i was scared u were like 13 or something.............

i was also born a few years after yuji but considering that we're in the same grade equivalent that makes sense LMAO

'i’m literally gonna go out into society as an emo one day just for the feels 😭'

I WANT TO DO THIS SO BAD BUT NO ONE WANTS TO DO IT WITH MEEEE

'WHAT OTHER ABNORMAL CREATURE IN JJK HAS FOUR ARMS? HE’S SO GREEDY, LIKE WTH DO YOU NEED TWO OF EVERYTHING FOR? 🤨👎🏽'

LMAOOO JESUS CHRIST....

one of my friends is a huge sukuna fucker and everytime i send her an edit of him she goes feral- it's hilarious

'oh i’ve got smth all right 😭'

i'm so excited

'i still can’t get this one scene out of my head and i’m not even gonna tell you what it is ‘cause you probably wouldn’t know it'

unfortunately i think i know what ur referencing.... just cause i didnt finish the movie doesn't mean i dont know what happens in it....

'wait i’m not aware of how the us gpa system works. isn’t 91 still good???'

okay so. let me explain this. my school is weird bc we're a private college prep school so pretty much every other school uses a 4.0 scale and we use a percent scale but you can very easily have a 91 gpa while having 2 c's. it's rlly weird but it's true. and unfortunately that is my scenario.

'why would she touch a homeless-looking-m*le like you? the standard he had of himself is way too high 😀'

LMAO THATS CRAZYYYY

'STOP I LOVE INSTANT NOODLES 😟 I LITERALLY BOUGHT TWO LARGE PACKS OF THE BULDAK HABANERO LIME RAMEN ONES RIGHT AFTER THE M*N INCIDENT'

OMG THATS MY FAV BULDAK FLAVOR! I GET IT EVERYTIME I GO TO HMART W MY FRIENDS!

'lmk what you get for ur secret santa tho 😋'

I GOT 12 PACKETS OF SHIN RAMEN 💪💪💪💪💪

'no bc figurines shouldn’t be that expensive'

EXACTLY BRUH

'my catoru gojo plushie was like £15, and it’s not even that big so?? 😭'

inflation these days, man. i rmbr i bought my haikyuu plushies in 2020 (the oikawa one and a kuroo one) and they were so much cheaper than they are now.....

'they need to bring all these prices down bc rich ppl don’t even enjoy the same shit broke ppl do 🤨'

YEAH BRUHHH

now time for my life update!

within the first 30 minutes of 2025, i spent it reading through my old texts w my old situationship

and ive come to realize that when he breaks up with his gf, i will be first in line

AND ITS SAD

bc yes he treated me rlly well during our situationship BUT HE WAS ALSO TALKING TO HIS EX GF DURING OUR SITUATIONSHIP

but lowk i think he was just looking for whoever showed him interest first and i never blatantly told him i liked him (we would be dating by now if i had bruh)

BUT WHATEVERRRRR

how is your new years so far queen

i'm realizing how long my asks are LMAOOO

OH IM JUST NOW READING THE HASHTAGS!

'how did you come up with it?'

literally its the least deep username ever LMAO

i needed a username for ao3 bc my old one was too long and i planned on publishing so i was trying to think of somthing and i think i was drinking soup at the time so i wanted it to be soups but that was taken so it became seoups!

I ALSO LOVE GIFTS! thats why i have big birthday parties LMAOOO

HAPPY NEW YEARRRR ML 🫶🏽🫨

i love seeing you in my inbox, it’s soo 😋💞

and you’re just like me. now that ik tumblr does indeed have that feature, i’m not sending another ask to these celebrities 🤨

‘right… enjoy your beans on toast…’ — okay first and foremost, DON’T KNOCK IT TILL YOU TRY IT 😭 one thing about white english ppl is that their full english breakfast is so good 😔 they genuinely ate when making that

but i love cultural food ofc 😫 like asian spices over anything tyvm 😋 it has to be enough to keep me on the toilet at 3am regretting my life choices but knowing i’d do it again

‘i was scared you were like 13 or something…’ — omg no 😟 we’re the same age 😋 i turned 18 in october 🤧 i wanna be 17 forever, sigh

‘I WANT TO DO THIS SO BAD BUT NO ONE WANTS TO DO IT WITH MEEE’ — just do it on ur own atp 🥴 i changed my makeup style slightly so it’s more of a darker look. taking it step by step before i randomly turn into an emo and go into the streets of london, waiting to be hate crimed 💀

also ur friend being a sukuna truther is just pure betrayal by association 😀 i’m literally that (and worse) for gojo 🤞🏽😔

and the american education system will never not confuse me, and i feel like that has to be a trigger warning for LL, ‘cause i’m gonna have to mention their major exams at several points in the story 😭 just expect a note at the top going ‘yeah i’m still so lost with the US grading system, don’t expect accuracy, enjoy!’

‘OMG THAT’S MY FAV BULDAK FLAVOUR’ — literally same. i’ve seen so many ppl say it tastes like soap and i’m just so lost? like the lime flavour is so nice 😫 i pair it with cold cucumbers and it’s so refreshing

‘I GOT 12 PACKETS OF SHIN RAMEN’ — WOOHOO 🥳 but unpopular opinion, i don’t really like shin ramen ☹️ i have a buldak obsession instead :/

‘now for my life update!’ — 😋😋😋

‘within the first 30 minutes of 2025, i spent it reading through my old texts with my old situationship’ — ooh… 😧

‘and i’ve come to realise that when he breaks up with his gf, i will be first in line’ — girl stop, i’ve seen this movie before 😭

and i didn’t like the ending 😐 (is this ur taylor swift moment? 🥴)

‘be yes he treated me really well during our situationship, BUT HE WAS ALSO TALKING TO HIS EX GF DURING OUR SITUATIONSHIP’ — okay, so listen carefully, ‘cause us girls as a community can not, will not, and will NEVER lose another girly to the ugly m*le gender again… doesn’t matter how well he treated you in that moment, if he spoke to his ex during ur situationship, he never treated you well. he was treating himself instead 🤨 and i mean that in the nicest way possible!

‘but lowk i think he was just looking for whoever showed him interest first and i never blatantly told him i liked him (we would be dating by now if i had bruh)’ — YOU DODGED A BULLET THO 😭 LIKE THIS SHOWED YOU HIS TRUE COLOURS, LIKE IF THAT’S HOW HE BEHAVES IN ANY SCENARIO, HE’S NOT WORTH ANY GIRL’S (WITH SELF RESPECT) TIME 😟

yes indeed. whateverrr, leave him it in 2024 😋

‘how is your new years so far queen’ — so bland. i mean i entered tt and saw everyone going back to the 2020 anime pfps and ofc i had to join innnn 😫 but deep down ik that going back will never be possible. i’ve reached legal adulthood and back in 2020, i was just a teenage girl reading a shit ton of fanfics at 3am under the stars in my loft ☹️ i’m feeling homesick for 2020, and any time i check the date and it says we’re FIVE years past that, i wanna throw up 🤧

rant over 😟 sorry! 😭😭

‘i'm realising how long my asks are’ — and that is literally NOT A PROBLEM AT ALL. in fact, i encourage it, and i look forward to it 😇🫶🏽

I’VE ALSO SEEN SO MANY TUMBLR USERS EXPLAINING THEIR USERS THE SAME WAY YOU DID HAHAA

today i got a late christmas present from my friend’s mum (fuzzy socks and a set of makeup brushes)! but honestly, as much as i love gifts, i don’t mind getting a shit ton of food delivered to myself and calling that a gift instead 😋

or an iced latte sidjeijdiejdjehdhwh

[voidselfshipp]

MK S/I Interactions.

Cw: mentions of bad parents. Suggestive (sex jokes)

>Ask to tag.

>Only mutuals allowed to reblog.

Liu kang: your Beauty never ceases to bring me to my knees.

Me: Even before the reset?

Liu Kang: If theres one constant that I cannot control,its how breath taking you are.

♡

Me:should I adopt the name Kalon?

Liu Kang: Whatever you choose to do,im sure you'll have no issue bringing even more Beauty to the name.

♡

Me:Hate to break pretty things

Liu Kang: Next to you I become frail as porcelain. But I dont mind falling to pieces at your feet.

♡

Me:Was Kalon loved?

Liu Kang: She was just as loved as you are. I dont Belive that there wasnt a timeline where anyone who met you didnt love you.

♡

Liu Kang: I can only imagine this Will stoke your competitive Fire.

Me:dont worry,ill kiss it better when you lose.

♡

Tomas: I dont want to hurt you

Me: Hah!. I can take it,pretty boy.

♡

Tomas: whoever loses pays for our Next date.

Me:today your Wallet is going up in smoke,dear.

♡

Me: well if it isnt the prettiest ninja ive ever did see

Tomas: oh psh...[face red]. Uhm...hi.

♡

Tomas: can we cuddle after this?

Me: all day long, smokey.

♡

Tomas:have I ever told you that I love you?

Me: every day. But I love you too,tommy.

♡

Scorpion: Fields are often times razed to ashes to make space for New crops.

Me:then maybe I wont mind if I get burnt.

♡

Scorpion: you make art out of your gift

Me:And seeing you fight is like staring at a fashion runway.

♡

Me: have I told you I like bugs?

Scorpion: [chuckle] so thats why you like me

♡

Scorpion: Will you aid me in building a New clan?

Me: with anything you need,Artistics included.

Scorpion: my dear,I trust no-one else but you in regards to our image.

♡

Scorpion: I promise you I only have eyes for you.

Me: Harumi is a beautiful woman

Scorpion: And my Friend. As much as I am fond of her,she cant compete with you against your fierceness and your Beauty.

♡

Scorpion: do you still love Bi-Han?

Me: much to my grief,yes. But know that my loyalty Will always be with you and Tomas.

♡

Kenshi: Sooo when are you free?

Me: How about right now?

♡

Kenshi: My eyes are not the prettiest now..

Me: bygone Beauty remains the same even if you can no longer behold it, kenshi.

♡

Kenshi: ive always felt my tattoos to be a source of shame

Me:Theyre art,just Like the rest of you is.

♡

Kenshi: I wish to calm your mind,your thoughts are a whirlwind...

Me:if theres somebody who can soothe me,its you.

♡

Kenshi: often times love is blind

Me: [long snort,audible smile] AWFUL!

♡

Jhonny: Youre coming on as my art director.

Me: I really did make it up into the world.

♡

Jhonny: with your skills, this movie series is going to be breath taking!

Me:You dont know how much that means to me.

♡

Jhonny: Theres my favorite nerdy film student!

Me: theres my favorite airhead director!

♡

Jhonny: How about a Poison ivy cosplay for cage-con,Rooty?

Me: Only if youre my Harley Quinn.

♡

Jhonny: you are a work of art!

Me: what are you waiting to pin me to your wall,then?

♡

Raiden: Lightning always looks for the ground. In that same way,youre the only one that can soothe me

Me: thats adorable,but you can say you just want a hug.

♡

Raiden: when I met you,I really felt what thunder was. My heart wouldnt stop beating.

Me: I hope I didnt bust your eardrums,then.

♡

Raiden: Madame Bo has taken a liking to you

Me: we're going to be such a chaotic duo.

♡

Me: ive got sunshine in my pocket,but I wouldnt mind a little storm.

Raiden: [loving eyeroll] cheeesy!

♡

Raiden: would you like to walk through the gardens after this?

Me: I would love to,honey.

♡

Raiden: just when I needed some sunshine

Me: what has your mood all stormy? What can i do to help?

♡

Syzoth: Do you love all animals?

Me: Specially reptiles.

♡

Syzoth: I feel this odd pull towards you...couldnt it be your powers?

Me:whatever it is, come to me.

Syzoth: [smiles] yes ma'am..

♡

Syzoth: Would you still love me in my reptile form?

Me: babe,I'd still love you even if you were a worm!

♡

Syzoth: your warmth makes me happy

Me: like a gecko under sunlight!

♡

Me: [dragon tail wagging]I'd tease you because your tail is wagging, but im in no better spot.

Syzoth: Heh, I find that adorable.

♡

Bi-Han: my love...I am so sorry

Me: there is an exception for better late than never,Bi-Han. And its you.

♡

Bi-Han: I never meant to kill the fields of your flowers with my winter,my love.

Me: pretty little things Wilt away...

(Reference for the song "Pretty little things" by the crane wives)

♡

Bi-Han: there isnt a day where I dont miss you,my bed feels so cold without you.

Me:youve condemned yourself to eternal winter,Now suffer.

♡

Bi-Han: be honest,do you still love me?

Me: I do,but ive long since seldomed the habit of not doing whats best for me.

♡

Bi-Han: When Will be the day I can bask in your light once again?

Me:when you repent for your crimes and betrayal.

♡

Me: the way you treated tomas was disgusting. My siblings and I arent full blooded and I still adore them. As a fellow older sibling,im dissappointed in you

Bi-Han: [gaze lowers,under his breath] your Dissapointment Hurts me more than any heartbreak.

♡

Kung Lao: youre as beautiful and fierce as mother nature

Me:where do you think she learnt it from?

♡

Kung Lao: [Teasing] youre always so grounded! Live a little.

Me: [teasing] and youve always got your head full of air!

♡

Me:is that a lawnmower on your head?

Kung Lao: thats not funny!

♡

Kung lao: shes Beauty,theyre Grace

Me: shes gonna punch you in the face.

♡

Kung Lao: Dinner at Madame Bo's?

Me: Whoever loses foots the Bill.

♡

Kung Lao: you warned me about Suchinko, and still you didnt say "I told you so" when the everything happened.

Me: I bit it back for the sake of your morale.

♡

Kitana: No hard feelings,Kalon.

Me: [Laughs] raiden has already shown me hes got eyes only for me. Youre good,Princess.

♡

Kitana: If im not mistaken, Punk is often anti-monarchy.

Me: Luckily for Outworld,Mileena is doing an excellent job as Empress.

♡

Kitana: An earthrealmer and an Outworld princess? Scandalous!

Me: c'mon,live a little. I know the perfect spot for a date

♡

Me:You blow me away,Princess.

Kitana: and my love for you has bloomed into a beautiful garden.

♡

Kitana: you've met Outworld,but ive never met Argentina.

Me: oh,you'll love it.

♡

Mileena: I find myself in need of your expertise in plants. The gardens in the Palace look...dull

Me:count me in,empress.

♡

Mileena: I am so,so sorry for blinding Kenshi.

Me: he holds no ill Will,and so do I.

♡

Mileena: [endeared]Syzoth is distracted,i believe hes always thinking about you.

Me: seems I took root within his mind,apologies.

♡

Shang Tsung: is there a timeline where we can be together?

Me: if you abandon your evil ways,it could be this one.

♡

Shang Tsung: I love you,that fact is not a deceit.

Me:Actions speak louder than words.

♡

Shang Tsung: just this once,lets sneak off together.

Me:if you win this fight,we Will.

♡

Shang Tsung: Ah,the owner of my heart. My beautiful lotus, you bless me with your presence.

Me: hah, flirt.

♡

Me:youre so lucky youre pretty...

Shang Tsung: [with a smile] considering myself lucky.

♡

Sindel: your powers are most peculiar,how do they work?

Me: honestly? No clue.

♡

Sindel: I was sure you were going to kill Jhonny during your stay at the Palace.

Me:as Someone who was raised right,that boy lacks manners.

♡

Sindel:out of all the champions,you and Liu Kang are most alike. Respectful,well mannered...

Me: so the guys did that bad of an impression huh?

♡

Me: you dare touch a single hair on Bi-Han's head ...

Havik: he came to us willingly.

♡

Me: you are disturbing to see

Havik: this is the fault of your beloved scorpion.

♡

Me: listen here,you parasite,you dare feed on tomas again and ill rip off your teeth one by one.

Nitara: feisty...

♡

Me:rat with wings...

Nitara: houseplant..

♡

[Mirror]

"In your timeline do you also have shit parents?"

"Ive yet to find one where we dont"

♡

"Do you have a cat in your timeline?"

"I have a poodle,actually"

♡

"Oookkay,this is going to change my self worth"

"I dont like this either"

♡

"Are we always destined to be pariahs?"

"Love always finds us, I promise"

♡

(If using the shang Tsung timeline! Cosmetic)

"Im glad that at least in one of the timelines,he And I can be together"

"Its complicated, but we manage"

"All those scars..."

"Shang Tsung didnt inflict them on me,theyre all battle scars. He doesnt dare hurt me".

♡

Kabal: sooo should I worry about any of the guys youve met in China?

Me:Youre my most special one,Kabal.

♡

Kabal: I always thought you'd fist fight god if you met him.

Me: sadly for me,god's hot.

♡

Kabal: home didnt feel the same without you. Ive missed you

Me:im home how,im not leaving any time soon.

♡

Me:erron told me you were unconsolable in my absence.

Kabal: [flustered]that yeeeyee Snitch...

♡

Kabal: youre working with Cage in his New movie?!

Me: isnt that fun?!

Kabal: I want front row seats. If the movies are a bust its his fault,im a firm believer in that!

♡

Kabal: sooo are you taking me to the opening gala?

Me: get yourself a suit,Youre coming with me. Oh! And It better have plants in the theme!

[mcythottakes]

I know its been a bit iv been into other fandoms lmao but iv noticed somthing every time I make or relog a post explaining that, no, in fact the CC’s are NOT their c!characters/personas (SHOCKING! I know) and they dont get to dictate how we write these characters in fandom spaces as long as not actually about the CC’S, which yes includes shipping.

And every time without fail people go “Ah yes I agree! Unless the CC has said its against their boundaries/unless its romantic ofc”

LIKE WAY TO THE MISS THE POINT!!!

The CC’s are NOT the ones being written about!! They never get to dictate fandom spaces. I still cant believe that I could write a gore filled, horror hurt no comfort story about the ocs, or hell even the cc’s, being savagely murdered and tortured without ANYONE EVEN BLINKING, and yet people “Draw the Line” at me going ”Oh these two characters have alot of chemistry in the roleplay. I want them to kiss.” and declare me an awful or gross human being??

If you can accept that “Hey in this story this character is a god, this one is a Mob hybrid player, and oh also magic is real and these three are siblings” and know that oh obviously this is about the character the cc’s portray, then you can just leave us alone about shipping.

“But OP!" I hear you say, “The CC’s said they dont wanna be shipped!”

Let me ask you, in most questions about shipping, did people every clarify they wanted to know if they should specially ship their character and not them, or did most shipping questions go “Hi can we ask your boundaries on shipping” or “Hi is it okay if we ship you lol” or something along the lines? Becuase I can guarantee that if I was asked that question Id assume you were talkin about me and Id also say no.

Obviously though, if the fandom work/ship is actually about CC then no you shouldn't ship if they say they are uncomfy with it. There’s a difference between a character portrayed who doesn't have actual feelings vs an actual person who doesn't want to be shipped. Then obviously respect their boundaries and dont ship!! And if you come across people who do ship CCs? Still just block and move on, I can promise they will not change their minds 95% of the time. 

And for the few cc’s that did actually get asked to clarify they were talkin about their characters? Iv said it before and Ill say it again, CC’s do not get to dictate fandom spaces whatsoever, they never have, just like other fandoms dont let source material dictate these spaces either. Yes sometimes something they say can be taken into account but at the end of the day, people who do fandom works get to do what we want. CC’s are honestly more authors/actors of the characters they portray, specially in roleplay circumstances like DSMP.

Becuase if your gonna try and get permission for stuff like that, we might as well ask them permission if hey can we torture your character, hey can we make your character die to motivate another character, hey can we do this or that or this please?.... Do you realize how stupid that sounds? Would you sit and go ask the cc if this is okay before making any fandom works? No? Then neither should we about shipping.

Honestly dont try to bug CC’s about shipping characters and try and look for permission, you dont need it and most of the time CC’s just want to be left out of it or just not know as long as its not shoved in their faces.

If your worried about a CC coming across said shipping, then let me tell you something; Fandom spaces have ALWAYS been for the fans. If they come into fandom spaces and areas, and they see something they dont wanna? That's on them. Specially if its been fully labeled and tagged properly, they fucked around and found out. 

“What if they stumble across it on accident before they knew or didn't understand or, the horror, someone forgot to label something properly?”

GUESS WHAT! CC’s arnt your UwU babies who will break into little pieces when they find out their characters are being shipped. Maybe they wont like it but they’re big boys and girls and others, they can handle it themselves. I promise you they dont need you trying to speak for them, and I can also promise they’d be hella more disappointed in you harassing folks, specially if you send death threats over something harmless as shipping fictional people.

And honestly, if you dont like the idea of shipping even though its pretty established by now we arnt talking about the cc’s? THEN THATS FINE! You have every right to, hell I'm not even a huge shipper myself! I just think its cute sometimes and ill reblog it or read something with it if its intriguing enough.

And even more so, you have the ability to block! Block shipping tags and people who ship and move the fuck on, its not that hard. At this point people are pretty good at making sure shipping stays out of the main tag and has its own tags for it, so if your seeing it enough to bitch about it, it means you either followed someone who ships and that's on you, or you went searching to bitch about which is honestly a bit pathetic.

Leave people alone, make use of the block blog and block tag options, and thank you for coming to my ted talk.

And remember at the end of the day all fandom works are fiction and should not be intended, nor expected to be reflected irl.  

[nahalism]

Hi<3 i struggle a lot with pessimistic, fatalistic thinking (and feeling). I slip very easily in the catastrophic states, a lot of bad things happened in my life for sure both during childhood and adult life but i feel like my brain just keeps expecting that now, that at almost any time something can go wrong, something could blow me and my life apart again. I am always on guard, expecting the worst even if i hope for something good because i cut myself on expecting goodness too many times. Did you ever or maybe still do struggle with being negative in your approach, thoughts, feelings? Maybe know some ways that could lead to deal with it somehow or ideally conquer this. It’s really exhausting to be trapped in this but no matter what i do i am somehow brought back to it. I wish i could feel calm and not on the verge.

sending love 🤍

hey so, this will b another long one. sorry,,,,. i do and have dealt with this. i feel like whenever i move from a fearful place or a 'i lack ... in my life' kind of mentality, i begin looking for solutions, or things and situations in the world, to gauge/affirm my sense of security and identity. if i dont catch that that's what's happening, that quickly escalates into thinking in negative, catastrophic ways, because subconsciously i want to protect myself from perceived danger. howeverr, one of the many issues with that way of thinking is that the danger i put up defences against is perceived, not actual, and since my perception is rooted in fear, my 'instinct' is to react from fear which = impulsivity and either extreme actions taken out of poor judgement. even worse is that operating from an unconscious space where every thought, emotion, and action is a reaction not a response, makes it harder to trace the root of the problem or rectify the negative series of events that has been playing out, so rather than seeing what might be very clear opportunities to resolve the situation, ill revert to habit, and seek out the danger and toxicity that replicates what my subconscious perceives to be a sense of safety or familiarity.

the reason i say all of that because the only solution ive found to anything is a repetition of basically how i respond to all of these asks, and rather than me regurgitate that, i feel like an insight into my pattern might give you more clarity on your own pattern, or make the 'advice' i give specific & directly applicable.

1) you have to get still [usually this kind of thinking is reinforced by cyclical patterns in 1) thought, 2) emotion, then 3) the actualisation of both thought and emotion in an event that validates the initial urge to 'be worried/fatalistic'. if you can create breaks in the experience of those emotions or thoughts by attuning to your present state of being, you can begin to create breaks in that cycle, and allow for clarity, groundedness, or literally any other thought possibility to enter your mind]

2) get to know and accept yourself [dont just get to know your character, or likes and dislikes, but actually observe nature and ground yourself in a knowing of your true role in the wider ecosystem of earth. you need to know who you are so you be anchored, trust in what you know through feeling & not what you know through whats shown to you.l. no matter what comes to pass, you have it within you to overcome it, but if your not tapped in to your own compass, all these thoughts will have power and thus ownership over you.]

3) once you find what you are, move from that space [dont try to share it or bring anyone along for the journey. dont try to make others aware of that space within them. dont try to get anyone to see what you see and affirm it. just stay on your journey, walk it alone whilst you have to, pick yourself back up when you have to, and trust what that process shows you, and who and what it eventually brings to you.]

all of those things are so much easier said than done, but that's why its a practice. each time you fall of and bring yourself back into alignment, a puzzle piece slots into place and those puzzle pieces are pieces of wisdom that eventually accrue and become what allows you to see, understand, move differently and then change your life.

one last thing ill say is, read over your message again. the things ur saying affirm the continuation of a pessimistic cycle & im not saying that to be mean or as a call out, because im sure you explained your feelings the way u did to give me a clear insight into what you feel, however the way you said what you said was very much an indication of the truth you believe about yourself. so keep an eye on your words, because our words betray us. & you may not believe yourself when begin that process of paying attention to what you say, & altering it to be more affirming, but eventually the truth will stick to your ribs and one day you'll have no choice but to believe it cause you will see it for yourself.

final thing. the things that have happened to you always stay with you in some capacity, but just know that they are not hinderances. your experiences will bless you the moment you realise you are the one. & u are the one. sending u my love <3

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

hi, it's net anon again.

not sure abt the tw's, but i'm looking for advice and some opinions following my previous ask.

i ended up telling my friend how i felt about revealing my face to him by saying a few things, part of which included the following

"it is not as if ive completely gatekept myself from you, ive tried to give you as much insight into my life w pictures other than my face, & it is not as if im only doing this w you, it stands for anyone i know on the net

ive kept it from years w other so even if it's not your intention which im sure, i dont want to feel pressured into breaking it"

to which he replied i just told him how unspecial our friendship was to me and he was "also" stepping away from me. i was literally taken aback. i told him it wasn't true & listed the few reasons including how he knew more of my life than anyone else & how I'd changed many behaviours thinking of him, taken out time of my own schedule to talk and spend time w him, etc. He replied that i was telling him that i treated him like any other friend and the term "best" friend meant very little to me.

now, his reasons & feelings are all very valid. he feels that it's fucked up to call someone he doesn't even know how he looks a best friend and he's been more of family 2 me than my own. I can't refute that. And i trust him enough to know he won't do anything with my face or photos, but i regardless cannot feel safe. now I've been feeling ive not done anything worthy to call myself his best friend but also that i was wrong in keeping such a "boundary" of not showing myself w someone ive known for so long. I don't think I'm a good person to him. I told him that i would get back to him to "fix" me being too guarded & he just replied with "it's wtv/whatever" I saw that coming tbh. I don't know how to reply to that.

To be really honest, i wish he would have just blocked me when he said he was walking away so i wouldn't have to deal with this. I wish he doesn't give me a second chance because i don't want to share my face. His standard of best friends is simple, sending each other basic silly photos of our lives & i can't even put enough effort for that. It sounds fucking cowardly & stupid.

On one hand, I genuinely want to continue our friendship but on the other it just feels like i don't. I don't know why i'm feeling fine w throwing away such a close friendship, it makes me wonder if it was a close one at all from my side. Could the reason I push away close friends until they're tired of it be linked to my trauma? Is it normal to just closet the feelings when such close friendships come to abrupt ends like this? Is it just because I don't want to step out of ky comfort zone? I have no idea. Please be as honest with me as possible & there is no need to sugarcoat anything if I'm in the wrong here. Thanks.

Hi net,

Please know that asserting boundaries is a crucial aspect of any healthy relationship, whether it's online or offline. Your decision to keep your face private is completely valid, and you have every right to protect your privacy and personal information. Trust and friendship should not be dependent on sharing pictures of your face, and a true friend would understand and respect your boundaries.

It's understandable that you value the friendship and don't want to lose it, but it's also essential to remember that a genuine friend would not push you to do something that makes you uncomfortable. Demanding to see your face despite your discomfort is not a sign of a healthy friendship. Everyone has their unique boundaries and comfort levels and you don't have to conform to someone else's definition of friendship, especially if it compromises your well-being.

Feeling fine with letting go of this friendship may indicate that deep down, you recognize the need to prioritize your well-being and protect yourself from any emotional discomfort or pressure. It's essential to be honest with yourself about your feelings and needs, even if they seem conflicting.

It's possible that trauma may influence your approach to forming and maintaining close friendships. If you can access or afford it, a mental health professional such as a therapist may be able to help you explore how your past experiences might be influencing your current feelings and behaviors in relationships.

Ultimately, it's essential to find friendships that respect and honor your boundaries. True friends will accept you for who you are and won't demand that you compromise your comfort or privacy. It's okay to take some time to reflect on what you want from this friendship and whether it aligns with your values.

I hope I could help and please let us know if you need anything.

-Bun

[nagdabbit]

10 and 21 (for the eddie timeloop)

10. How do you decide what to write?

oh jeez, i dont even know. i am a "lay in bed and daydream stories for several hours straight" type person, and also a "try to look at this story from every possible angle before picking the wanna you wanna see" person, so usually ill just construct my little movies in my head, over and over and over, until ive taken an idea to it's logical conclusion, and sometimes that's enough, and sometimes it ends up being at thing that i need to share because i can't accurately convey the way i just daydreamed myself into crying

21. If you wrote a “missing scene” in [insert fic], what would it be?

oooooooooooo that's so tough! come through callin' had such a deliberate structure to the way it was written (it was originally going to be one long, uninterrupted chapter, because it was supposed to feel just as overwhelming to read as it was for mox in it) that anything i would want to add would almost have to change the whole structure and break it up more

without fully restructuring the whole thing, i think i would want to write a few more scenes between between mox and renee, especially that conversation once the loop has broken and they're in jacksonville. i have this thing in my head where i have a very vivid imagination for events and objects and locations, but i just can't visualize people all that well? if i can't hold on to a really good visual of a person, they kinda revert to people i know. but writing women, if i can't keep a visual, it reverts to me in my head, which is extremely uncomfy because i do not want to be a character in this. so i need the practice and i need to give her more love.

but if i want to go wild... i dunno if id restructure the fic, or just write a little extras, but i have very much thought about writing that scene between renee and eddie in the kitchen, before mox comes downstairs. i have a lot of thoughts about how it went, and how they decided to just... go with mox and not acknowledge that anything was wrong and have that night together. or renees pov as she was setting up their pillow fort. or, to break my own heart, that final conversation at the end of the first chapter, but from eddie's pov

in short, i have thought about it a lot, actually

[chaotically-coz]

heavy vent

crying.

sobbing.

I cant-

i cant do this everyday.

this isn't healthy.

i cant..

i cant listen to her screaming

her emotions,

i cant keep up- she switches up so fast.

i cant.

im so exhausted.

im so tired.

i don't know how to put this into words.. its so unbearable.

i just cant.

im helpless

ive always been.

this isn't fair.

...

you know, after you hate yourself for so long.. sometimes you start to find a reason.

after so many years of hating myself.

thinking its my fault.

taking it out on myself.

starving myself.

cutting myself.

bruising myself.

choking myself.

suffocating myself.

scratching myself.

hitting myself.

slapping myself.

gripping at fresh cuts despite the pain, thinking I deserve it.

ripping at my skin,

or banging my head against a wall until my ears rang.

ive began to realize

its not my fault...

its HERS.

HER FAULT

HER FAULT

ITS ALL HER FAULT.

YOU DECIDED TO HAVE A CHILD WHILE GREIVING.

YOU COULDNT BEAR YOUR OWN EMOTIONS.

YOU CANT HANDLE YOURSELF.

YOU SICK

SICK

SICK

SICK

SICK SICK SICK SICK SICK PERSON.

YOU CHILD ABUSER.

AND THEN I FIND MEMORIES.

MEMORIES OF YOU, BEING KIND.

AND FUN.

AND CARING.

BUT YOU KNOW WHAT MEMORIES DROWN THOSE ONES OUT??

MEMORIES OF CRYING IN MY BEDROOM WHILE YOU GOT TAKEN AWAY IN HANDCUFFS.

MEMORIES OF RUNNING UP THE STAIRS IN FEAR, RUNNING AWAY BECAUSE YOU GOT A LITTLE TOO VIOLENT.

MEMORIES OF YOU "Doing my hair" WHILE I SCREAMED AND CRIED, BEING TOLD TO "suck it up" AND "stop being hysterical" WHILE YOU RIPPED AT MY HAIR.

MEMORIES OF UNCONTROLLABLE SHAKING, TRYING TO CALM MYSELF

MEMORIES OF CONSISTENT MELTDOWNS, ONLY TO GET YELLED AT.

MEMORIES OF CRYING BECAUSE I SIMPLY WANTED YOUR ATTENTION.

SO MANY MEMORIES...

SHATTERING MY BROTHERS THINGS

OR BREAKING HIS DOOR DOWN TO GET TO HIM. SEVERAL TIMES.

OR GETTING SCREAMED AT AND REBUKED FOR SPEAKING OUT.

SEEING YOU HURT MY DAD

SEEING YOU YELL AT HIM FOR NOTHING.

TAKING OUT YOUR ANGER.

YOU CHILD ABUSER.

YOU HURT YOUR CHILDREN.

YOU YELL AT US

YOU SCREAM AT US

YOU THROW THINGS

YOU BREAK THINGS

YOU SLAP US.

YOU HIT US.

YOU HURT US.

I cant...

i cant do this..

i want to kill myself. to end it all. to end this nightmare I live through every day.

to stay in this reality.. this fake reality. this reality where I'm exactly who I wanna be. Where I have control.

but I'm not there...

i cant die... I wont let myself die.

i just... I want too.

i wanna end it so bad...

i cant.

but this HATE.

THIS BURNING HATE.

THIS HATE FUELING A FIRE,

A FIRE THAT BURNS BRIGHTER EVERYDAY.

I HATE TODAY.

I HATE TOMMOROW.

AND I FEEL LIKE IM GONNA HATE EVERYDAY AFTER THAT.

AND I DONT KNOW WHY, BUT I HATE MYSELF!

BUT I CANT HATE YOU.

I JUST. CANT.

AND I HATE THE FACT THAT I CANT HATE YOU.

i don't hate you...

i wont hate you...

i love you.

so much.

i just wanna feel loved back..

please.

stop.

just stop.

please...

I need validation..

i need peace.. I need silence...

You have a daughter..

please.

this hurts.

this rage.. it doesn't last long.

its always there, but sometimes I'm so mad..

then the next minute I don't even care.

and I hate that.

I hate that I cant stay mad at you.

i just.. cant.

i cant find it in my heart to hate anybody.

i wanna be held, comforted.

i want everything to be alright, I want to be calm, and happy.

content.

stable.

I want to be okay.

...

goodnight.

[squeiky]

Im tired. Im so rucking tired. All i want to do is have some fun and play some videogames. I cant even do fucking that. Cant get a lick of what it feels like. I havent played a videogame in so long and now that i finally found something i LIKE and that i feel ill enjoy playing for a long time- the fucking thing takes up too much storage space.

Alwaus the fucking storage space. Theres never enough storage. Every fucking phone i have has no storage. Every fucking device i have has no storage.

I dont even download 20+ apps. Im deleting all my photos and videos to get some extra storage and it does nothing.

My shitty ass laptop is breaking down and i havent even touched it (fuck you google, fuck you microsoft fuck you all). I dont got money because i keep NOT making comissions page- andme and my adhd ass keep procrastining.

Why the FUCK does a game need so much storage? Why the fuck cant i relax? Whys it alwaus gotta be Stres stress stress work work work?!?

I just wanna drink. I want to drink and forget abkut the world entierly- but if i do that theres a big chance ill fuck up my body and become an alcholic. Reliant on alcholol like i am with sugar.

I dont know. I just want to play a fucking videogame. It was fun. I enjoyed it. Had it in my hands for like maybe 30 minutes. 30 fucking minutes. 2 hours of downloading time. Not enough storage and then a fuck you to the face.

I just want to play a fucking game. I just want to play a game. I like it. I do. I really do and am curious to keep playing. I dont even give a shit that its gatcha, i just want to play.

Why developers cant this be optimized. Why does it have to be 73 gb worth of storage on my computer. I need an entire new harddrive for this fucking thing.

I cant. Do i need a fucking gaming computer to enjoy one game? A goddamn iphone? Infinte storage?? Buy buy buy more expenisve shit?

I just qant to play a game goddamit. I dont want to delete it because it took a fucking HOUR just to get to the PLAYING part. And now i have to wait even more?

I never understand you people with 600+ games on your phone. Half my storage is taken by my system and i have no idea how to delete that, i cant delete anything on my compute and ive already tried storing other files into my usb drives to make room but no. I deleted so many pictures.. just.. i have way to many pictures.

Somehow it all seems unfair. Its like i need a fucking iphone to do literally anything. I fucking hate iphones cause people keep fucking stealing mine. Im tired. Im angry. I have a project due. I want icecream.

[sserpent1ne]

a little death in the mourning

i think people spend their whole lives mourning. theres the obvious things like parents and pets dying, fighting with your best friend and never resolving it so you grow apart with time. but then there are the small things, the little deaths that happen everyday.

its when you think of your best friend from elementary school, years and years in the future, and you miss her but you live in different worlds now and you'll never know her again. its when mom sells the vcr you grew up with, watching tapes in the dark in the loft upstairs, and she sells all the vhs tapes too, except your favorite because you hid it to keep it safe--you still have it even now, and you still think about the vcr and the day it left.

its when your favorite local chinese place shuts down and you'll never eat it again. its when you take the butterfly stickers off the wall of your room because thats not you anymore, but it was once. its when you grow out of your childhood bed that youve had for so so long. its when you realize that mom does love you, but not in a way that matters. never in a way that matters. it hurts so bad in the moment, but you carry on and hurt turns to hate turns to indifference (something dies with every turn of feeling).

its when you love something so much it breaks your heart a little. its seeing the world changing around you and wondering how it got to this point, wondering who let this happen. its seeing pictures of you on your mom's facebook page, ones taken so long ago it feels like another lifetime--when you realize that youve grown up, you're not that little girl anymore. its when you realize that in that photo, you have no idea yet what growing up will do to you. its when you stop and breath and realize how old you are and wonder where all the time has gone.

its when you lose knowledge you used to have--you used to be the best at poker or foursquare or soccer but now you dont even know all the rules. its when you lool back and think about all the peopel that have come and gone and you wonder where they are now, what theyre doing. its when you grow out of your favorite t-shirt. when your favorite band breaks up. when you learn something new and its exciting but a little bit sad because thats one less thing in the world left to discover.

its when you realize you can never know everything but will yearn your whole life to know anyway. its the things that make you think 'why do i care so much?' 'ive had worse,' 'it shouldn't hurt so much,' even though it really hurts just the right amount. its the little deaths that happen every day. im glad to be sad for the little things. it means i cared. sometimes i need to be reminded. its okay to mourn the little deaths.

[breathingwithdifficulty]

i don't feel good. i feel little. words are hard to find and i want to talk to someone but its late and no one is awake and i dont really have anything to say.

i feel bad for myself. like, not really the myself of the now, she doesn't need my pity, but like my small self. and maybe that is the myself of the now. at least, that's what it feels like.

this year its gotten progressively harder to remind myself that my parents love me. i know they do. they do, right? but like my dad never visits and my mom doesn't text anymore and no one knows my interests or my hobbies or what im doing in school and it just feels so lonely sometimes.

most of the time i feel normal. grown. i have my own apartment and my own money and my own life. but sometimes my car breaks down or an assignment makes me cry or i look at my bank account and i just want an adult that i can call and say "i feel sad, please help" and actually get help.

i don't feel good. i feel sick-sad, where my stomach is all twisty and my hands feel like they're buzzing and i keep rubbing my cheek on my stuffed animal just to feel its softness. i feel scared. i feel alone.

it makes me feel insane sometimes, this distance between my parents and i. it makes me feel desperate, crazy for seeking out this parental relationship with any adult that comes into my life.

my friend's mom sent me a starbucks giftcard. i cried. a different friend's mom bought me a crockpot because my friend told her ive been struggling cooking meals for myself. a different friends mom offered to buy me groceries because i was worried i wouldn't be able to afford them. each of them have had more one-on-one, genuine conversations with me than i've had with my parents in the last few years. i feel sick. i went to my professor's house and he watched me accidentally burn 2 marshmallows in a row and said "do you want me to make you one?" and i literally could've cried then and there. i went on a date with a girl who talked about how she loves her mom so much and knows she's her number one supporter. she asked me about my relationship with my parents and i didn't even wanna say it. i feel insane.

i feel pitiful, but i just wanna be taken care of for a bit. just wanna lay down on the couch with my head in someones lap and not have to worry about taking care of myself for a minute. it doesn't seem so much to ask but im wondering if it really is. if im too much.

when i get like this, sometimes i get a thought like "i miss my dad" or "i miss my mom" but then i see them and it doesn't make the ache go away. i don't miss them, i miss something i don't think ive had in a long time (maybe ever) and its devastating because i don't know if i'll ever get it. i passed the age where i can sit in my mom's lap and cry because i got a hole in my favorite socks, or where i can call my dad and ask him what i should have for dinner because i can't make a decision right now. i feel so old and so young and so sad.

thanksgiving is coming up and im looking forward to it for the food and the company but like. i can't even be myself around my family half the time, not because they would disapprove (some of them would) but because they don't care. it's always "how are your grades? still in your major? where do you live now?" and not like "so what've you been up to? done anything fun? how are you? what do you like to do?" because in their mind, they don't need to ask those questions, they think they already know. they think im still the quiet, book-nerd, shy girl in the back of the class. which, part of me still is, but i like other things now. im another person now.

every year i get asked what i want for christmas and every year im happy with what i get. im not hard to shop for, i don't think, but especially these past years ive realized that like... no one knows what i want because they don't know what i like. part of that is because im intensely insecure about my interests and part of it because i have a reason to be - id get made fun of and there's certain things i just really don't wanna hear shit about.

so this year i sucked it up and made a christmas list. an actual one, with stuff i like on there, even if my family doesn't understand it or know the tv show references or why i want so many stickers. i made a big list of everything ive secretly been wanting, ranging from like $1 stickers to like $40 sweaters. it was oddly scary for me. it still is. i don't know if anyone will get me anything off that list, but if they do, im scared for the reaction, just a bit. i don't wanna open something on christmas and get "yeah, so what is that? i don't get it" or "that sounds gay" when i explain it, or "okay..." when they're disinterested.

i know its a little silly but i don't really care. im sad. my head hurts. its late but im not tired and i just want a hug. i wanna rock back and forth and hold my weighted dinosaur and chew on his horns. im so done with this

12:16am

11/14/23

[fraener]

9/15/23

each day i get a little closer to happiness and freedom again and notice by looking back how unhappy ive been. my hearts been reaching for anything lately, ive felt stagnant in my relationship and in a lot of ways unseen...i think ive been incredibly bored and lonely for a long time now. this was one of the worst years ive had in a while for so many reasons, but ive been wondering the last few days why on earth i saw fit to let myself get so isolated. i felt at the time i was making every effort to prevent that but i felt crushed by the weight of being treated poorly by people i used to spend time with and just sort of feeling closed off from h. been nearly a year and i still feel closed off. it becomes more pronounced when were out but he often seemingly ruefully squirrels himself away in a corner and watches me talk to other people but doesnt try and participate himself. theres that arrogant kind of shyness that i hate so much again. the expectation that the only kind of social interaction worth keeping up is if someone goes out of their way to engage with you and keeps doing so even if you arent engaging with them. im especially gregarious in most situations so i normally dont notice when people are treating me that way, but i dont like seeing it so close to home. we had a tiff recently because i started hanging out with o again where h actually did hurt me a little and it broke my heart. it took so much to get under his shell enough for him to admit why he was treating me so poorly and it really came to light hed benefit a lot from therapy i think. ive been having a not affair with my coworker where weve been spending sort of questionable time together, feels like romance but we dont ever touch. last time we went out really felt like a date which was nice but hes married so on some level we arent able to enjoy each others company too much. its been scratching an itch for me to have a lot of similarity and humor with someone again, and to learn new things about someone and argue with someone and play. last night he wasnt there at the show but i had such an incredible time talking with everyone and it scratched the very same itch...k came for a visit and i re-met some people from p's birthday party that i really enjoyed talking to. my heart felt so full seeing everyone and there felt like so much possibility before me. it felt like i was coming home to a village after being gone a long time. i dont want to go back where i was this year, i wanna go home to the dark pews and puppeteers and string instruments and laughter and stolen glances and what little magic this place has to offer. what a terrible year it was! i think ill start going to the honky tonk again and spending a lot more time with s and p and j. i really think the big thing missing for me was going to shows with people i like and just being in big group merriment in general. not sure how much longer things will go on with h, he hasnt been kissing me lately and i cant tell if its because i told him i needed space or because of something else. hes been kind of touchy though and the thing where each of you are being sarcastic is being taken seriously because theres something not being talked about under there is starting to happen a lot. i cant tell how much more lonely ill be if we break up. might be the same but probably much worse. i love h but i feel like i dont know where he is and feels very far away, and maybe has felt that way the whole time. i think i thought wed get along better by now. schools starting up again in one week so ill see what happens i guess. i feel ready for change though, in a much bigger and more settled way than i have all year. whatever comes will come and that will be that.

[rayymanic]

05/29/2023

tw? kind of in detail/graphic talk of sh

Today was a very good day. I walked a mile, did a workout, and rollerskated. I also had a yogurt bowl which was very tasty! I didn't have any self harm urges until roughly ten minutes ago? I was just laying with my cat and i remembered pictures I had taken of my cuts and missed the feeling, but I got past it and did my face care routine to distract myself, worked wonders. I still feel off though, like something is missing. Ive been self harming for almost four years now and I always had open wounds. Ive come to realize that i dont feel like myself without open wounds. I know the feelings will pass and over time i will heal mentally and get out of this mindset, but it sucks right now.

While my stepmom was doing her daily bodycheck on me to make sure i havent cut, she mentioned taking me to see a dermatologist later on and having them prescribe a scar cream. I dont know why but this really bothered me. Ive told her and my other parents that i dont mind my scars because they are a part of me now and i want them to fade/heal naturally, and i dont know if they dont care what i think or if they dont like them. I dont want my scars to fade quickly. I have to live with the consequences of my actions. She makes me put on this over the counter scar cream every day and i hate it so much, i dont even have control of my own body at this point. Im pretty sure they want my scars gone because they think its ugly but i dont. i think its beautiful. it reminds me that i survived. and im proud of that.

My grandmother had to bodycheck me last week because i was at her house. she is a very conservative, christian woman who is known for being judgmental so i was scared. I mean she went outside and cried on the porch when she found out that im queer so i didnt know how she would take this She asked me how i cut and what i used and why i cut and she told me that its going to leave scars. im pretty aware of that, one look in the mirror and i can tell. she asked if she could take pictures , why would she need pictures? i told her no and she seemed to get a little more upset. i dont really like her,, she told my parents about my facebook account (i had them blocked) and got me in trouble so ,,

i was supposed to start therapy two weeks ago, but i didnt. my dad and stepmom are notorious for not taking my mental health seriously and putting things to do with it aside to do other, meaningless things. i was told im going to start this week but im not sure. the school therapist told me that im going to be doing two kinds of therapy - regular talk therapy and intense trauma therapy. my stepmom insists on doing trauma therapy with me and the school therapist accidentally let it slip that my "therapist" would tell my parents everything we talk about. how am i supposed to get better if i cant confide in my own damn therapist? does that not break the patient confidentiality rules therapists have? they think i was cutting because of the trauma i endured when i was 9-13 but its not. ive almost healed from what happened, the reason i was cutting was because i have severe chronic depression, my pills werent working, and i hate the enviorment im in. i hate the people, the scenery, everything. whats funny is my dad and stepmom are blaming everyone but themselves when they are the actual reason i was cutting. thanks dad! thanks for fucking nothing

on a brighter note, i reached 1 month sh free a couple days ago! thats really big for me, i havent gone over two weeks in years. im sorry this post is so long and messy, i just need to get how i really feel off my chest. i hope whoever reads this has a wonderful morning/day/night and has lovely dreams <3

this has a lot of spelling errors, its late at night. i should be sleeping,,,

[spicy-tomato]

techno sword pt 2 you whores

come get yall juice, techno sword pt 2

pt 1

“Princess, please tell me whats wrong.” he looked concerned and you sit up. Nows as good a time as ever….guess you might as well tell him. 

Being behind a door should make it easier, right? Not really when you know that just behind it is a man that could kick it down with only a fraction of his power. It wasnt. 

“w-well…..for a while i’ve been having these…thoughts….” you trail off, not knowing how to phrase what you’ve been thinking. “about you and….and your sword” even if he can’t see you, you still cover your face out of embarrassment. you hear a soft chuckle from outside and the doorknob jiggle. 

“princess, let me in or speak up” he almost growls through the door. that tone manages to do something to you, making you think about him on top— stop, you can’t do this right now. you need to stay composed for this. 

“o-okay so i’ve been having thoughts about you recently...ive been watching you train and seeing how you come back with your sword coated in blood and it just...i dont know it does something to me i guess…you just look so….i dont know its stupid…” you trail off, figuring you werent making sense. More faint growling can be heard before a loud slam on the door.

“You have three seconds to unlock this door before i break it down, princess’ you stay still on the bed, paralized by what could happen when he gets inside. Is he upset? Is he gonna kick you out? Break up with you? Before you get the chance to register all your thoughts the door is torn from its hinges, the looming figure of your boyfriend striding along your room, dragging his sword behind him. “Ready to speak up now, or do i have to force it out of you.” he pins you below him on the bed, sword discarded next to you, showing just how large it is. You try to stutter out an answer but before you get the chance, he picks the sword back up, using it to cut your clothes cleanly off your body. “Aww are you to dumb to speak to me pet? To busy getting off on the thought of me and my sword? Thinking about how many lives ive taken with it? So dirty.” as he says these things his hand begins to trail from the side of your face down your body, causing you to shiver and let out a whine. “Words princess.”

“P-please...want you to fuck me with your sword.” he chuckles and moves a hand between your thighs, slowly moving to tease your entrance. 

“Already so needy for me and i havent even touched you yet, what a dirty little whore” he starts to tease you, rubbing your clit softly and using his free hand to hold your hips onto the bed. You throw your head back and moan softly, desperate for more pressure and touch. You soon get it as he moves his hand from your hips to tease your entrance, pushing one finger in slowly. You arch into his touch, causing him to pull his hands away. “Be good or ill stop and leave you here, nasty slut” you whine and nod, biting your lip as his finger dives back inside you, stretching you out in a slightly painful way. Hes always been bigger than you in every way, hell his hands were twice the size of yours. Once you adjust, loud moans and cries spill from your lips. He adds a second finger and your eyes roll back from the pleasure of it, your legs moving to wrap around him be they were quickly moved back into place by him. You let out a near sob as he pulls his fingers away from you, reaching to grab his sword. He moves it between your legs, slowly pressing the end of the hilt inside you as you wail at the sensation. He only puts the end of it in before stopping, going back to rubbing light circles on your clit.

“If you want more you have to beg. Tell me how much you want it and maybe ill let you cum.” you start babbling out pleas for him to continue. He pushes the rest in without hesitation, setting a rough pace as you gasp and choke on moans from the sudden stimulation. The pressure on your clit increases as he keeps fucking you with the hilt, bringing you closer with every second. 

“G-gonna...please let me…” just as you say that he pulls the hilt out of you and moves off of you, causing you to let out a choked sob “please please dont stop please” he chuckles darkly and looks down at you.

“Oh so the baby knows how to beg? Maybe i havent done good enough yet,” he quickly resumes his pace, causing you to roll your eyes back and reach your hands to grip his hair and pull him into a rough kiss, masking your moans and cries. He doesnt let up with his pace, bringing you over the edge as your legs begin to tremble, wrapping around his waist. He doesnt slow, if anything he moves faster, your orgasm spurring him on to make you cum again. 

“So pretty, wanted to see you like this for so long. Getting off on something so evil like the whore you are.” he whispers into your ear before moving to bite your neck, drawing a scream from you as you cum again, unable to come down from your first orgasm before the second one hits. Hes relentless at this point, drawing orgasm after orgasm out of you until youre crying, overstimulated and fucked out on the hilt of a sword that has killed thousands. When he finally pulls away, your cum is covering the hilt and almost dripping onto the blade. 

“Gonna do this every time i come back, watch you get fucked out after i take a life with this. Now that ive treated you like the queen you are, i think its my turn baby.” you nod below him, to fucked out to speak and your voice hoarse from screaming for him for what felt like hours. He chuckles and moves you easily to your knees at the edge of the bed in front of where hes sitting. You instinctively open your mouth and he spits into it, you swallowing quickly before he shrugs his pants off and moves you right in front of him. “Looks like youre to dumb to suck me of right so ill just make you do it instead.’ you nod quicky as he puts his member in your mouth, starting to fuck your mouth roughly. He lets out soft growls and groans as he continues to use you like a toy, more tears slipping down your cheeks from how deep he is in your throat. You gag slightly and he throws his head back, moving faster. “So good princess, being so good for me. Gonna fill your mouth up, dont want you to waste a drop.” he keeps going, cumming down your throat and staying there as you swallow every drop before he pulls you off him. You open your mouth to show him and he smiles down at you. He lifts you off the ground and carries you to the bathroom, setting you on the counter as he runs a bath, helping you into it when the water is ready.

“Did so good for me my persephone, so wonderfully.” he praises as he washes your hair. You lay back against his chest and start to drift off, only to be woken by him picking you up and carrying you carefully back to the bed and laying you down. He moves the blankets over you and pulls you against him.

“...mmm love you tecchno”

“i love you too princess”