#i don't yet know all of her songs i am easing myself into it but i am def invested

[mrsriddles-blog]

Her Girl | P.P

Pairing: Slytherin Fem Reader X Pansy Parkinson

WC: 2k+

Warnings/Notes: Mild language, kissing, angst, drugs…

Summary: Unsure of how either of you feel and not wanting to risk losing one another as a person in each other’s lives, you continue to dance around the truth of your guys’ relationship.

A/N: I am so sorry! It has been ages since I’ve actually posted a piece of writing! This is a draft and I’ve seen all the requests, I’m working through them slowly, but surely! College and work have been a real pain in the ass, so I’m so sorry guys! I’ll probably be switching up the plan I had originally just to try and get some more work out and posted. I’ll also probably do away with the song fics until I have more time on my hands! I’ll try to finish the ones already planned and of course if a request comes up, but it’s super time consuming!

"Hey, who's that?" Lorenzo asks, pointing at you.

You sat alone at a table in the courtyard, your green robes sticking out to your own house. They've never noticed you before and clearly you were new if you were sitting at the Golden Trio's table.

"I don't know, but I feel like we should rescue her before the Golden Trio gets to her." Draco says, looking in the direction of the glaring Gryffindors.

"Too late." Mattheo mumbles, taking another drag from his cigarette.

"Excuse me. Who are you sitting at our table?" Harry asks.

"Oh, I'm sorry. Is your name on this table? No, it's not. So it doesn't make it your table. Now get the fuck out of my face." You snap.

The boy who lived was taken aback by your hostility, along with your icy tone. He puts his hands up, deciding not to fight with you. He had no idea who you were anyway, only that you were an enemy by your house colors.

You watch as he backs away, a familiar look of fear in his eyes. You wait until the three fools turn around before focusing back on the letter to your father. You had found you hated Hogwarts as you've faced nothing, but bullying and not to mention you were still friendless after a month. 

You weren't one to give up, but this time...you weren't wanting to fight.

There wasn't anything here for you. No one even in your house has noticed you. You're barely noticed by the professors. It's like you don't exist because you're not apart of their clicks. You pull a cigarette out, lighting it in hopes it'll ease your nerves.

You pack up your belongings, tired of the chatter as you begin walking to the Astronomy Tower in hopes for some peace.

"Sorry, didn't know anyone was up here." You mumble, seeing a girl with long brown hair and green eyes.

She wore no robes, but she wore a green tie—one that hung loosely around her neck. You start to make your way to turn to exit as she speaks.

"No! Wait! Come sit." She says, her cheeks flushing red at sounding so panicked.

Panicked because she realized she'd been quite a tad bit too long and was just staring, so you had begun to walk away. You were hesitant, but you take a seat next to her.

"I'm Pansy Parkinson." She says.

"Y/N Y/L/N." You murmur.

"I've seen you around. I'm sorry I haven't introduced myself sooner. I assumed it would be overwhelming as I'm sure people were eager to meet you. It's not often we get someone in the middle of the year, let alone our fifth year." She explains.

"You're alright. It's been quite the opposite actually. You're the first person to actually speak to me...and notice me. Although, I'm considering lettering my father to get transferred elsewhere." You admit, putting out your cigarette to light another.

"What? Why?" She asks.

"I've faced quite a bit of bullying since I've got here. Not that I've cared. Typically I'll handle it, but I'm not quite sure who keeps pulling their stunts. And I haven't made any friends. It's been hard." You admit quietly.

"Don't send that letter just yet. You are now my friend. Let me introduce you to my other friends later at dinner. It'll be nice to have another girl apart of the group, oh, and I'll figure out who's messing with you, Y/n/n. I'll handle it." She says, giving you a smile.

"That's okay, Pansy. I'll figure it out sooner if later. It's my problem to sort out anyway." You say, managing a soft smile.

"You can handle it, but I'll also be handling it. Trust me, if I don't handle it, the boys will which means all of them will cast hellfire on the unfortunate bloke. The moment they meet you, you'll be apart of our little family." She says.

"Hey, Pansy? I was wondering if—." You say, before stopping.

She was in a dark green lace bra, wearing a mini skirt as she sifted through her closet. She smiles at you, one that sent your stomach in a bunch of flutters. Your cheeks flush red when you realize you were staring.

"What's up, love?" She asks lowly.

You swallow thickly, your thighs not so discreetly clenching together as a heat ignited in your core.

"I...um, nevermind. Sorry, I can't remember what I was going to ask. Sorry, um for barging in." You say, looking anywhere, but her.

"Hey, what happened to your lip?" She asks, stepping forward until she was in front of you.

She lifts a hand, cupping your face as she runs her thumb across your busted lip.

"Nothing." You mumble.

"This isn't nothing." She scolds.

"It's not that big of a deal, Pans." You mumble, pulling back.

She purses her lips, nodding and you sigh, knowing you've pissed her off. You turn, leaving her dorm as you walk back to your dorm.

There was a party tonight and that was what you had gone to talk to Pansy about. You sigh, running a hand through your hair. You wanted to be bold though, so you began the tedious search through your closet.

"Hey, I wanted to talk with you." Theodore says, slipping in your dorm.

You've settled on an outfit and now you just had to get dress. You start to shimmy your way out of your jeans.

"What's up?" You ask.

"So—oh, hey Pans." He says.

Her eyes were on you as you were half-naked in front of Theodore Nott—one of the two most notorious boys in Slytherin who screwed with girls.

"Oh...when did this happen?" Pansy asks quietly.

"It's not that, Pansy. I've seen her naked like a lot now. Friends only, pinky swear." He says, leaning back on your bed.

You rolled your eyes, seeing she wasn't convinced. You pull on the skirt and look at her.

"I'm gay, Pansy." You say.

"Oh!" She says, her cheeks flushing red.

"You really think this girl would let me sleep with her and let me see her naked on a daily basis? No! She'd kick my ass." He snorts.

"I-I've got to finish getting ready. Sorry! I can't remember what I was going to ask...actually, I do. I'm sorry, I got cold and I iced you out because you weren't comfortable telling me what happened." She says.

"Pans, it was a stupid argument I got into. I shouldn't have listened because I know the truth anyway. It's seriously no biggie. Go finish getting ready. You and I will slay this party, more so you." You say, smiling softly at her.

She smiles, her cheeks flushing red, but she leaves. You look back at your skirt and fix it before pulling your shirt over your head.

"So, that answered my question. One of them at least. But, do you like her?" Theodore asks, unfazed as you take your bra off and pull on the lace bralette that was a dark green.

"Of course I do! She's a great friend...she's been accepting of me since day one and she's been nice despite me having my days sometimes. She's always understanding and I love that. No one has been that way for me. Ever. I've never really experienced the love and care of friends until her...and of course you guys, but she and I are always going to be a little closer obviously." You ramble, pulling on the black blazer.

"I meant in a more than friend way." He says, lighting a cigarette.

You sigh, sitting at your vanity as you straighten your hair, going for a bold look. You settle on a vibrant red lipstick along with dark eyeshadows.

"Yeah, but that won't ever happen, Theo. She doesn't like me that way. Not to mention...I've tried to subtly hint to her only for her to brush past it. I've gotten my hint, so I'm going to be thankful I even have her in my life as a friend." You explain.

"God, you are blind." He mumbles.

"And what are you talking about?" You ask.

"I'm talking about the way she talks about you to us when you aren't around. It's like, she's in some dream. She gets this dreamy smile and look to her eye when she thinks or talks about you. She lights up when you're around. She cares about you, worried when you're having an off day or if you get in a fight. She's just scared to lose you. You are more than her girl than you realize. And what about that fight you got into with that Ravenclaw who was calling her a fag and stuff? That's just being friendly?" He asks.

"You're telling me you wouldn't have fought her for that?" You deadpan, turning to him.

"One, I would have if she was a he as I don't hit girls. Two, is that all you got from what I said?" He asks.

"Theo, I can't lose her. I don't think you realize what that will do to me if I lose her. It's not that I don't want to believe what you're saying. I just don't want to get my hopes up. What if you're looking for the same thing I am?" You ask.

"I guess we'll find out tonight. I heard a certain Gryffindor was going to show her moves on Pans tonight. Just know it's on you for letting her slip away." He says, leaving your dorm.

You frown, looking at your vanity for a moment before finishing up your makeup. You pull on your heels with the snake coiled around the heel as music began to play. You debated on even going to this party.

You went nonetheless, striding towards the bar where you mixed up a drink that was borderline death itself. Your eyes found Pansy chatting it up with Hermione Granger of all people. You frown, not noticing a Hufflepuff sixth year striding towards you.

"I'm Anna!" She calls, sending a flirty smile your way.

"Y/n!" You call, smiling back slightly.

Pansy had tuned Hermione out, her eyes on you before she stormed over to the boys. She smacked Theodore in the head who curses.

"What the hell!? I thought you said she liked me!" She snaps.

"She does! What the hell was that for?" He says, rubbing his head.

"She's talking to that sixth year Hufflepuff! That's what it was for!" She snaps.

"I said she likes you. I even told her that Hermione was going to make a move on you if she didn't. I never said she'd make the move though. You are really important to her, she doesn't want to lose you. She rather have you as a friend than lose you because she doesn't believe you like her." He explains.

"So, she's going to just dance with her? Are you actually listening to whether she likes me or not or are you just a fucking bloke?" She snaps.

"That busted lip is because she got into a fight with a Ravenclaw who was calling you some nasty names. I believe I heard her say something across the lines of don't talk shit about my girl. You can stand here and sulk about her dancing with Anna, or you can go get your girl. Your choice." He says.

Pansy looks at him with malice before relaxing and sighing as a tired look washes over her face. She looks up at you to see you dancing with Anna still.

"I'll handle, Anna. It won't go anywhere obviously, but just so you can whisk her away." Astoria says, taking her pin out of her hair and shaking her curls free.

Astoria was a new friend of the group because of her arranged marriage with Draco, but only the group knew of the arrangement.

Pansy strides towards the dancing crowd and grabs your hand. You look at her as Astoria whisks Anna away. Pansy pulls you off to a secluded corner and sighs.

"I'm a bloody idiot for not realizing how you felt. But, that makes you one too as you haven't realized how I felt." She sighs.

"What?" You ask oblivious.

"I like you, Y/n/n. I have for awhile." She chuckles.

"I...I like you too, Pans. I just...didn't think you would ever feel that way for me." You admit quietly.

"Fucking hell, shut up and let me kiss you." She laughs.

Your cheeks flush red, but nonetheless, you let her pull you in by your hips, your lips meeting her soft ones that tasted like her cherry lipgloss. You smile into the kiss as your guys' guy friends started to whoop and holler for you both. You flipped them the middle finger as Pansy's hands move to your ass.

"She's got her girl." Theodore chuckles.

"The hell they'll be together." Mattheo laughs.

[stars4noah]

HALLEY'S COMET- three.

{WARNINGS}: swearing, drinking, allusions to depression, reader and noah making up yayyyy 🥳🥳

w.c- 2,898

a.n- if you guys couldn't tell by now, this story has kinda turned from being inspired by only halley's comet to being inspired by the entire album! go listen to happier than ever by billie eilish. the album. not the song.

enjoy! <3

{TAGLIST}: @lacy1986 @collisionofyourkissmakesitsohard @chey-h @rumoured-whispers @oobleoob

if you would like to be added to the taglist, please comment!

i haven't slept since sunday. midnight for me is three a.m. for you.

three more weeks passed since everything happened. the next day, noah tried to come back. i told him to stay away. forever. i promised him that i would be just fine without him, that i didn't need him to prove to me that he was something he didn't want to be. because i was so convinced he didn't want to be better. he just wanted his photographer back.

i started working at a local coffee shop, the spark in my eyes that was once consistent now gone. i didn't have that kind voice that everyone grew to love. i didn't put any effort into my appearance. i just threw my hair into a ponytail and moved on.

a lot of the time, i was glad i lived alone. i could fall back into old habits without being scolded. like drinking, for example. it was the only way i knew how to handle my feelings. which wasn't working very well.

but you're all it takes for me to break a promise.

i knew the next time i saw his face i would break. i would run back. i would stay. spending years with somebody who you're secretly in love with will do that to a person. so i made it my goal to purposefully ignore him.

every time i would go home, i would scroll mindlessly on my phone. i found out that noah canceled the rest of the tour. mental health reasons, or whatever. i rolled my eyes, turning off my phone and cracking open yet another bottle of liquor, feeling the familiar burn go down my throat that i've grown accustomed to. i walked around my apartment mindlessly, humming some unfamiliar tune to myself.

these past few weeks, music has been my number one savior. aside from alcohol.

NOAH'S POV.

these weeks without her proved to be difficult. having fallen into a depression after alyssa and i broke up, [y/n] leaving only made it worse. i sat in my room, staring at the door. sometimes i would pray that she would walk through. surprise me and say it was all just a cruel prank.

countless bottles of hennessy sat in front of my bed. that was all i had been doing. drinking and working out and writing to ease away the pain.

"but nevertheless, i'm fucking depressed. i hide it with sex, and drink till it's fatal." i murmured to myself, taking another sip from the bottle before letting it clatter to the ground, snatching my pen and paper from my desk.

when i went through things like this, i always liked to write down my thoughts. some of those thoughts ended up in songs. and since we were in the middle of writing a new album, this was perfect.

there was a knock at the door and i grumbled a greeting, my eyes never leaving the paper. a couple seconds later, jolly walked in.

"christ, man, you look like hell."

i hummed, continuing to write as he sat in front of me.

"look, i know you're struggling. because of-"

i knew exactly who he was talking about. i didn't want to hear her name. she hurt me enough. "don't say her name."

jolly sighed. "because of her. but dude, we're worried. you know none of it was your fault, right? she was stupid to do that to you."

i scoffed. "she said it herself, jolly. 'he's richer, hotter, and bigger'" i scowled, repeating her words that she had said to me that night. some part of me regretted walking out of that door. i loved her. for years. and i had grown used to loving her. she was all that i had. she was what made me what i am. she was right, really. i would be nothing without her.

"you're doing it again." he said. at this point, i had stopped writing, staring off into space. "doing what?"

"that thing you do when you get all into your head. blaming yourself for everything. how many times do i have to tell you it's not your fault for you to get it in your head, man?" he said, sternly but gently.

i rolled my eyes. "you're wrong."

"how?"

"because i loved her, jolly. i fucking loved her, and i screwed it all up because i can never do anything right. i'll never be good enough. for myself, or anybody."

i buried my face in my hands, sobs racking my body once more. i never liked to be this vulnerable with anybody, even my closest friends. but honestly? i didn't give a fuck anymore. let them see.

"i know man. i know." he said, rubbing his hand over my back in an attempt to sooth me.

it pained jolly to see me like this. i knew that. but it was better to tell people of my thoughts than to keep it bottled up inside, right?

READERS POV.

i was making that damn song all the way till the early morning. i didn't even realize how late it had gotten until i woke up to my alarm. i had fallen asleep at my desk, my computer still running and everything. i didn't have work today, so that left me plenty of time to do whatever the hell i wanted.

months passed. months without seeing or talking to him. i would occasionally text the others, but i wouldn't dare send him a single text. i caught up a bit with folio and jolly, telling them about my ongoing journey with music. i still pursued photography as a side hustle, but my main focus was getting this song perfect.

it was almost done. almost ready to be released. maybe as an album? no, i can't get too carried away. music isn't for me. but as i listened to the song and made sure everything was right, my feelings began to change.

"i don't want it, and i don't want to want you. but in my dreams, i seem to be more honest. and i must admit, you've been in quite a few."

it wasn't a lie. he had began to show up more often in my dreams. not as nightmares, but as something that we could've been.

"Halley's Comet comes around more than i do. but you're all it takes for me to break a promise. silly me to fall in love with you."

that promise. that stupid promise.

"[y/n], please. let me explain-"

"no, noah! i don't care about your shitty explanations and your shitty behavior and your stupid face! i promise, i'll be just fine without you. leave me alone!"

"i haven't slept since sunday. mdnight for me is 3:00 a.m. for you. but my sleepless nights are better with you than nights could ever be alone, ooh-ooh-ooh. i was good at feeling nothing, now i'm hopeless. what a drag to love you like i do, ooh-ooh, ooh, ooh."

it wasn't entirely a lie. when i imagined him in the bed next to me, it felt like i could sleep better. when i pretended everything was okay, everything felt lighter. the weight on my shoulders seemed to momentarily disappear, only to crash back down when i realized it was all just a fantasy.

"ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh. i've been loved before, but right now in this moment i feel more and more like i was made for you. for you. i'm sitting in my brother's room. haven't slept in a week or two, or two. i think i might have fallen in love. what am i to do?"

as the song ended, i found myself picking up my phone, going to his contact. i laughed softly to myself as i saw the contact. it was still the same. when everything was nice. when i wasn't all alone. i decided to jump the gun, shooting him a text.

i breathed out a sigh of relief. maybe he didn't hate me as much as i thought. i immediately thought back to the time i took it. when things were better. happier.

"come on! put it on!" i laughed, holding out the little plastic tiara to him. we had gone to disney world for a summer vacation, and i won a tiara from one of the game booths.

"i'm not putting that on." he said, his arms folded across his chest.

i pouted, looking up at him with those puppy dog eyes i knew he couldn't resist until he groaned, snatching the tiara from my hands and putting it on his head. despite his previously grumpy demeanor, he still wore a smile when i took the pictures.

i missed that.

the moment i saw him walk through those doors, it was like everything hit me all at once. he looked terrible. i did too, but definitely better in comparison.

"hi." i said softly.

"hi." he said back, sitting down in front of me with his hands in the pockets of his sweats.

i bit my lip as we sat in an awkward silence for a moment before i spoke.

"noah, i-"

"[y/n]-"

i couldn't help but smile softly as we spoke at the same time.

"you first." he said.

i took a deep breath, mentally preparing myself. "i know you've been through a lot, noah. and i should've taken that into consideration when i said all that shit. honestly, i haven't been doing too well myself, if you couldn't tell." i said, gesturing to myself.

"it sounds stupid as fuck, but it feels like theres this void in my chest that's just been so empty since i left. i miss you guys. i miss the band." i said.

he sensed there was something more. "but...?"

"but," i began. "i can't come back as the photographer. after i've recovered somewhat from everything, i realized photography isn't for me. i was to pursue something bigger."

"like?"

"music."

he raised his eyebrows. "you want to become a musician?"

"i know, it sounds absurd and like a child's dream, but i really think-"

"no, [y/n] that's fucking amazing." he said with a small laugh, leaning forward. i smiled slightly. there was that smile i missed.

"yeah?"

"yeah. i mean, i've only heard you sing a handful of times, but you're great. you're gonna make it big, trust me." he said.

my heart warmed at his words. "thank you." i said.

"look, [y/n], i'll be the first to admit how much of a douche i was to you. i've had time to think about it. to get over it and stop wallowing in self-pity. and i'm really sorry. i'm kinda shocked you didn't quit sooner, honestly. but, if you'd like, we could start fresh. you don't have to come back to the band, but we can hang out and shit. maybe i can help you with your music."

his words only made my smile brighten. "yeah, i'd like that. a lot. thank you."

"of course, princess."

after our little friend date, we went to his studio to work on some things. he showed me how different things worked and helped me on writing a song that i had been thinking about.

i bit my lip, jotting down a few lyrics in my notebook as he watched.

i don't really wanna know why you went there. i kinda don't care. you want to kill me? you want to hurt me? stop being flirty. it's kinda working.

i hummed a soft tune to myself as i read the lyrics, trying to figure out what would work right.

did you really think this is the right thing to do? is it news? news to who? that i really looked just like the rest of you.

noah snapped me out of my continuous thoughts, turning back to the computer. "i've been working on stuff, too." he said.

"yeah?"

he hummed in response, pulling up a file full of different songs. "pick one." he said, leaning back.

i bit my lip in thought before clicking on the one titled The Grey.

"evened the scores, then i let it all go fall apart. and every step forward put a little more sword in your heart, yeah. looking sideways when i say i'm okay with the past. but i'm afraid of what i might say if you ask."

i leaned back in my chair as i listened to the lyrics, knowing that this song could be about one of two people. me, or alyssa.

"gave you way too many chances, you ran through them all. got everything i could want but it wasn't enough. nobody left for me to talk to, nobody to call. got everything i could want but i still wanted more. yeah, i still wanted more."

the pure emotion in his voice was enough to make my heart break into pieces and clarify who it was about. i knew after what happened with her, he was broken. and this song was only proof.

"there's not another way, don't let me go. don't dig another grave today. i'll make the same mistakes, i'll never know who i was before i faded away into the grey."

the recording stopped, and my eyes darted from the screen to his face. "that's all i have right now." he said. "we have more sessions later this week to finish it."

i gulped. "noah..."

he looked at me and raised a brow. "what?"

"that was fucking beautiful."

i almost felt like i was going to cry. i always loved his voice, but that was on a whole other level. usually he was screaming. he never had those soft vocals like what i just heard.

he smiled softly. "thanks. now get in there."

i blinked, shaking my head. "sorry, what?"

"go on. get in the booth. i want to hear you sing this. we can figure something out."

"noah, i-" "don't argue. go."

i sighed, getting up and heading into the recording booth. maybe it would be okay. i wouldn't fuck it up. i put on the headphones, looking back up at him through the glass. "which one?" i asked.

he hummed, looking through the notebook i had left on the desk.

"what about my future? start it off strong."

i nodded, mentally preparing myself for whatever the hell was about to happen.

"i can't seem to focus, and you don't seem to notice i'm not here. i'm just a mirror. you check your complexion to find your reflection's all alone. i had to go. can't you hear me? i'm not coming home. do you understand? i've changed my plans. cause i, i'm in love with my future. and i, i'm in love. but not with anybody else. just wanna get to know myself."

it really was a beautiful song. and it was me putting all of my feelings on the line. the lyrics didn't have a deeper meaning to them like noah's often did. their meaning was just laid flat out. i changed my plans for the future, and i'm waiting to sort things out with myself before falling in love again.

"i know supposedly i'm lonely now. know i'm supposed to be unhappy without someone. but aren't i someone? i'd like to be your answer. cause you're so handsome. but i know better than to drive you home. cause you'd invite me in, and i'd be yours again."

the lyrics seemed to flow freely as i sang, my eyes closed and hands moving in random directions. i didn't even notice him staring.

"but i, i'm in love. with my future. and you don't know her, mm. and i, i'm in love. but not with anybody here. i'll see you in a couple years."

i opened my eyes and looked at noah, noticing how his mouth was slightly open. i laughed. "don't start drooling."

he shook himself out of his thoughts. "sorry, that was just. really fucking good. you're a natural, princess. i'm jealous." he said.

i rolled my eyes, stepping out of the booth.

"great, now let's work out a tune."

we spent hours and hours fixing up the song, getting carried away in our musical abilities. last time i checked, it was around 2 am. i didn't want to go home, so i suggested we took a little break and watched a movie or something. he nodded and we sat on the couch, turning on the tv (of course he turned on naruto). my head ended up lulling to the side, landing on his shoulder as i slowly fell asleep. the last thing my brain registered before falling into dreamland was the soft kiss on my forehead and his soft words.

"goodnight, princess."

his lips against mine felt like heaven. it felt like my whole life was complete when i kissed him, when i felt him. he felt like home. something i hadn't known in a long time. i pulled away, breathing slightly heavy as i looked into his chocolate brown eyes.

"noah.." i whispered.

he smiled softly and hummed.

"i fucking love you."

"mm.. [y/n]." he mumbled against my lips.

"princess."

"[Y/N]!"

[beautflstranger]

It is said that there's a pact between lovers to never share their story. This is certainly true regarding their sexual moments which remain only between them.

But some love stories are meant to be told.

The grand ones. The passionate ones. The heartbreaking ones. What would our world be without the poets, the writers, the voices of song, the images on film.

I don't believe they realized how fast it started. Attraction is a curious magical thing which draws lovers together without forethought.

A hello and smile on a sultry summer morning. The gulls still stirring awake in the morning haze on a misty beach. Stillness. Peacefulness.

And the beginning of a conversation.

He was older,charming in a worldly sort of way.

She teetering between girlishness and womanhood.

Theirs a dangerous combination of ease, laughter and genuine ' like. ' You know how it is when you meet someone and you just like one another.

A few days later, their paths crossed once more. Another comfortable relaxed seashell walk on the beach. Their walks were conversations about any and everything. The beginnings of best friends who found in one another a refuge.

Their meetings were never planned, but fate took a hand in bringing them together.

The summer went by so fast.

By summer's end he explained that he had a little summer beach house just further down the beach. It was a simple beach shack. Sparsely furnished, wooden floors, windows on all four sides, a fireplace, running water, no heat.

For them, it was perfect.

Autumn and winter afternoons spent in conversation or sometimes in complete silence.

He hadn't even attempted to kiss her. Their attraction deepening, the seduction slow.

One day, months later on a warm June afternoon, they let passion seal their hearts as lovers.

Their relationship lasted for a few years. Kept as discreetly as possible. She was blissfully single. He was not.

Their second year together was one of change. Her friends noticed a distinct change in her, as she crossed the threshold to woman.

That same year, he divorced.

The relationship intensified, spending every single moment together. There was seemingly no end on their horizon.

Their goodbye was never declared, yet was inevitable. A silent understanding as paths diverged. It became a slow agonizing shredding until both finally let go completely.

A conversation toward the end was almost a confessional or apology, depending upon how you look at it. He explained " I told myself no. A thousand times no. I knew that I shouldn't have. I told myself that it was wrong. It would all make sense to me, then I'd see you, and I just couldn't resist you. I couldn't deny what nor how I felt. How I will always feel about you. All my resolve would disappear. And all I could ever think about was being with you again. Here I am trying to explain it, when all I'm thinking is when will I ever see you again?"

She pointed to the sand bars which appeared at ebb tide on the beach. " When you look to the horizon" she pointed " you'll find me somewhere along the waters edge where the waves slide onto the sand." Kissing him for one last time.

A decade passed and a new century turned.

One blissful summer afternoon she was walking along the sand bar at low tide with a gentleman in what was a new relationship.

As they neared the beach, she noticed a couple sitting on the edge of the dunes.

The man suddenly stood up, almost in disbelief, as he raised his hand to wave hello.

This was the last they saw of one another.

He died 3 years later.

Yet sometimes on a cold winter's night she's visited in her dreams.

Time suspends.

The sun shines, the waves crash, as two lovers embrace in secret.

- beautflstranger ©

[acourtofquestions]

Made it out alive,

He scanned the starry sky, the slumbering lands beyond, the Lord of the North above.

It hit him a heartbeat later. Erupted around him and roared. Over and over and over, as if it were a hammer against an anvil. The others whirled to him.

That raging, fiery song charged closer. Through him. Down the mating bond. Down into his very soul. A bellow of fury and defiance. From down the hill, Lorcan rasped, "Rowan." It was impossible, utterly impossible, and yet--"North," Gavriel said, turning nis bay gelding. "The surge came from the North." From Doranelle.

A beacon in the night. Power rippling into the world, as it had done in Skull's Bay.

It filled him with sound, with fire and light. As if it screamed, again and again, I am alive, I am alive, I am alive. And then silence. Like it had been cut off. Extinguished.

He refused to think of why. The mating bond remained. Stretched taut, but it remained.

So he sent the words along it, with as much hope and fury and unrelenting love as he had felt from her. I will find you.

There was no answer. Nothing but humming darkness and the Lord of the North glistening above, pointing the way north. To her.

But I think I lost it.

"If Maeve is indeed bringing her army to Terrasen, then it only confirms that we were right to come here. That we must convince the khagan's forces to go northward after this. It is the only chance we stand of succeeding."

Aelin ran her hands through her hair. Streams of blood stained the gold. "I cannot win against them. Against a Valg king and queen." Her voice turned to a rasp. "They have already won."

"They have not." And though Rowan hated each word, he growled, "And you survived two months against Maeve with no magic to protect you. Two months of a Valg queen trying to break into your head, Aelin. To break you!"

Aelin shook. "She did, though."

Rowan waited for it.

Aelin whispered, "I wanted to die by the end, before she ever threatened me with the collar. And even now, I feel like someone has ripped me from myself. Like I'm at the bottom of the sea, and who I am, who I was, is far up at the surface, and I will never get back there again."

He didn't know what to say, what to do other than to gently pull her fingers from her palms.

"Did you buy the swagger, the arrogance?" she demanded, voice breaking. "Did the others? Because I've been trying to. I've been trying like hell to convince myself that it's real, reminding myself I only need to pretend to be how I was just long enough." Long enough to forge the Lock and die. He said softly, "I know, Aelin." He hadn't bought the winks and smirks for a heartbeat. Aelin let out a sob that cracked something in him. "I can't feel me---myself anymore. It's like she snuffed it out. Ripped me from it. She, and Cairn, and everything they did to me." She gulped down air, and Rowan wrapped her in his arms and pulled her onto his lap. "I am so tired," she wept. "I am so, so tired, Rowan."

"I know." He stroked her hair. "I know." It was all there really was to say. Rowan held her until her weeping eased and she lay still, nestled against his chest. "I don't know what to do," she whispered.

"You fight," he said simply. "We fight. Until we can't anymore. We fight."

She sat up, but remained on his lap, staring into his face with a rawness that destroyed him. Rowan laid a hand on her chest, right over that burning heart. "Fireheart." A challenge and a summons. She placed her hand atop his, warm despite the frigid night. As if that fire had not yet gone out entirely. But she only gazed up at the stars. To the Lord of the North, standing watch. "We fight," she breathed.

***

Aelin found Fenrys by a quiet fire, gazing into the crackling flames.

Fenrys lifted his head, his eyes as hollow as she knew hers had been.

"Whenever you need to talk about it," she said, her voice still hoarse, "I'm here."

Said that I was fine,

Aelin's finger scratched along the curved edge of the altar again. The wolf blinked at her--thrice. In the early days, months, years of this, they had crafted a silent code between them. Using the few moments she'd been able to dredge up speech, whispering through the near-invisible holes in the iron coffin.

One blink for yes. Two for no. Three for Are you all right? Four for I am here, I am with you. Five for This is real, you are awake.

Fenrys again blinked three times. Are you all right?

Aelin swallowed against the thickness in her throat, her tongue peeling off the roof of her mouth. She blinked once. Yes.

She counted his blinks.

Six.

He'd made that one up. Liar, or something like it. She refused to acknowledge that particular code. She blinked once again. Yes.

Said it from the coffin,

So she told herself the story. The darkness and the flame deep within her whispered it, too, and she sang it back to them. Locked in that coffin hidden on an island within the heart of a river, the princess recited the story, over and over, and let them unleash an eternity of pain upon her body.

Once upon a time, in a land long since burned to ash, there lived a young princess who loved her kingdom...

They had entombed her in darkness and iron. She slept, for they had forced her to--had wafted curling, sweet smoke through the cleverly hidden airholes in the slab of iron above. Around. Beneath. A coffin built by an ancient queen to trap the sun inside.

Draped with iron, encased in it, she slept. Dreamed. Drifted through seas, through darkness, through fire. A princess of nothing. Nameless.

The princess sang to the darkness, to the flame. And they sang back.

There was no beginning or end or middle. Only the song, and the sea, and the iron sarcophagus that had become her bower.

Until they were gone. . .

. . . Everything. She had given everything for this, and had been glad to do it.

Aelin lay in darkness, the slab of iron like a starless night overhead.

She'd awoken in here. Had been in here for... a long time…

But she still told herself the story, still sometimes imagined that the river sang it to her. That the darkness living within the sealed coffin sang it to her as well.

Once upon a time, in a land long since burned to ash, there lived a young princess who loved her kingdom...

Remember how I died?

She found herself atop the landing, staring at the door. It had been unlocked and left slightly ajar. -- A strangled sort of noise broke out of her, and she ran the last few feet, barely noticing as she threw open the door and burst into the apartment. She was going to scream at him. And kiss him. And scream at him some more. A lot more. How dare he make her-- Arobynn Hamel was sitting on her couch. Celaena halted. The King of the Assassins slowly got to his feet. She saw the expression in his eyes and knew what he was going to say long before he opened his mouth and whispered, "I'm sorry." -- The silence struck.

"Where is Nehemia?" But Archer just shook his head, his eyes bright with tears. "They aren't going to question her, Celaena. And by the time my men get there, I think it will be too late." Too late. Celaena turned to Chaol. His face was stricken and pale. Archer shook his head again. "I'm sorry." -- Not again. Not again, she told herself with each step, each pound of her heart. Please. Celaena hit the top of the stairs. She could hear shouts from behind her, but she wouldn't stop, couldn't stop. Not again. Never again. The shouts behind her grew, people were calling her name. She would stop for no one. She turned down the familiar hallway, nearly sobbing with relief at the sight of the wooden door. It was shut; there were no signs of forced entry. -- Nehemia was dead.

"And tell Rowan,..." Aelin said, fighting her own sob, "that I'm sorry I lied. But tell him it was all borrowed time anyway. Even before today, I knew it was all just borrowed time, but I still wish we'd had more of it." She fought past her trembling mouth. "Tell him he has to fight. He must save Terrasen, and remember the vows he made to me. And tell him ... tell him thank you--for walking that dark path with me back to the light." …

… Rowan just stared at Aelin. At his mate, who had lied to him. To all of them. "It wasn't enough--the two of us together. It would have destroyed us both," Dorian wept. "Yet Damaris somehow summoned my father, and... he took my place. He offered to take my place so she..." Dorian lunged, reaching for Aelin's hand, but he'd left the ring of Wyrdmarks. They now kept him out. A wall that sealed in Aelin. The mating bond stretched thinner and thinner. "She and him--they're going to end it," Dorian said, shaking. Rowan barely heard the words. He should have known. Should have known that if their plan failed, Aelin would never willingly sacrifice a friend. Even for this. Even for her own future. She had known he'd try to keep her from forging the Lock if she'd mentioned that possibility, what she would do if it all went to hell. Had agreed to let Dorian help her only to get herself here. Would likely have dropped Dorian's hand without his father appearing. Over--she had said so many times that she wished if to be over. He should have listened. Chaol gripped Dorian, and the young lord said to Rowan, softly and sadly, "I'm sorry." She had lied. His Fireheart had lied. And he would now watch her die.

— He’d never forgive her. Her mate. She had needed him to let her go, needed him to accept it. She would never have been able to do it, to come here, had he been begging her not to, had he been weeping as she had wanted to weep when she had kissed him one last time. Come back to me, he had whispered. She knew he'd wait. Until he faded into the Afterworld, Rowan would wait for her to return. To come back to him. . .

When you started walking?

She wouldn't leave him like this, in this cold, dark room. . .

But just seeing the lividness written all over him had her riding that reckless, stupid edge again, and clinging to the anger was easier than embracing the quiet darkness that wanted to pull her down, down, down. "You know, it might be better if you just slapped me instead."

"Instead of what?"

"Instead of reminding me again and again how rutting worthless and awful and cowardly I am. Believe me, I can do the job well enough on my own. So just hit me, because I'm damned tired of trading insults. And you know what? You didn't even bother to tell me you'd be unavailable. If you'd said something, I never would have come. I'm sorry I did. But you just left me downstairs." Saying those last words made a sharp, quick panic rise up in her, an aching pain that had her throat closing. "You left me," she repeated. Maybe it was only out of blind terror at the abyss opening up again around her, but she whispered, "I have no one left. No one." She hadn't realized how much she meant it, how much she needed it not to be true, until now. -- She walked away without another word. With each step she took back to her room, that flickering light inside of her guttered. And went out. . .

She wouldn't leave him. Footsteps heading toward the door--then the snick of it closing as Arobynn left. Celaena closed her eyes. She wouldn't leave him. She wouldn't leave him.

That’s my life,

That was the moment that had broken everything Aelin Galathynius was and had promised to be. Celaena was lying on the ground--on the bottom of the world, on the bottom of hell. That was the moment she could not face--had not faced.

For even then, she had known the enormity of that sacrifice.

There was more, after the moment she'd hit the water. But those memories were hazy, a mix of ice and black water and strange light, and then she knew nothing more until Arobynn was crouched over her on the reedy riverbank, somewhere far away. She awoke in a strange bed in a cold keep, the Amulet of Orynth lost to the river. Whatever magic it had, whatever protection, had been used up that night.

Then the process of taking her fear and guilt and despair and twisting them into something new. Then the hate--the hate that had rebuilt her, the rage that had fueled her, smothering the memories she buried in a grave within her heart and never let out.

She had taken Lady Marion's sacrifice and become a monster, almost as bad as the one who had murdered Lady Marion and her own family.

That was why she could not, did not, go home.

She had never looked for the death tolls in those initial weeks of slaughter, or the years afterward. But she knew Lord Lochan had been executed. Quinn and his men. And so many of those children ... such bright lights, all hers to protect. And she had failed.

Celaena clung to the ground.

It was what she had not been able to tell Chaol, or Dorian, or Elena: that when Nehemia arranged for her own death so it would spur her into action, that sacrifice ... that worthless sacrifice ... She could not let go of the ground. There was nothing beneath it, nowhere else to go, nowhere to outrun this truth.

There was a scrape and crunch of shoes, then a small, smooth hand slid toward her. But it was not Chaol or Sam or Nehemia who lay across from her, watching her with those sad turquoise eyes. Her cheek against the moss, the young princess she had been-- Aelin Galathynius--reached a hand for her. "Get up," she said softly. Celaena shook her head. Aelin strained for her, bridging that rift in the foundation of the world. "Get up." A promise--a promise for a better life, a better world. The Valg princes paused… She had wasted her life, wasted Marion's sacrifice. Those slaves had been butchered because she had failed--because she had not been there in time… "Get up," someone said beyond the young princess. Sam. Sam, standing just beyond where she could see, smiling faintly. "Get up," said another voice--a woman's. Nehemia. "Get up." Two voices together--her mother and father, faces grave but eyes bright. Her uncle was beside them, the crown of Terrasen on his silver hair. "Get up," he told her gently.

One by one, like shadows emerging from the mist, they appeared. The faces of the people she had loved with her heart of wildfire. And then there was Lady Marion, smiling beside her husband. "Get up," she whispered, her voice full of that hope for the world, and for the daughter she would never seen again.

A tremor in the darkness.

The earth on which her kingdom lay, green and mountainous and as unyielding as its people.

Her people. Her people, waiting for ten years, but no longer. She could see the snow-capped Staghorns, the wild tangle of Oakwald at their feet, and ... and Orynth, that city of light and learning, once a pillar of strength--and her home. It would be both again.

She would not let that light go out.

She would fill the world with it, with her light--her gift. She would light up the darkness, so brightly that all who were lost or wounded or broken would find their way to it, a beacon for those who still dwelled in that abyss. It would not take a monster to destroy a monster--but light, light to drive out darkness.

She was not afraid.

She would remake the world--remake it for them, those she had loved with this glorious, burning heart; a world so brilliant and prosperous that when she saw them again in the Afterworld, she would not be ashamed. She would build it for her people, who had survived this long, and whom she would not abandon. She would make for them a kingdom such as there had never been, even if it took until her last breath. She was their queen, and she could offer them nothing less.

Aelin Galathynius smiled at her, hand still outreached. "Get up," the princess said. Celaena reached across the earth between them and brushed her fingers against Aelin's. And arose.

That's my life.

Aelin blocked out his words. Did nothing but gaze into the dark. She was so tired. So, so tired. For Terrasen, she had gladly done this. All of it. For Terrasen, she deserved to pay this price. She had tried to make it right. Had tried, and failed. And she was so, so tired.

Fireheart.

The whispered word floated through the eternal night, a glimmer of sound, of light. Fireheart.

The woman's voice was soft, loving. Her mother's voice. Aelin turned her face away. Even that movement was more than she could bear. Fireheart, why do you cry? Aelin could not answer. Fireheart.

The words were a gentle brush down her cheek. Fireheart, why do you cry? And from far away, deep within her, Aelin whispered toward that ray of memory, Because I am lost. And I do not know the way.

Cairn was still talking. Still scraping his knife over the coffin's lid. But Aelin did not hear him as she found a woman lying beside her. A mirror--or a reflection of the face she'd bear in a few years' time. Should she live that long. Borrowed time. Every moment of it had been borrowed time. Evalin Ashryver ran gentle fingers down Aelin's cheek. Over the mask. Aelin could have sworn she felt them against her skin. You have been very brave, her mother said. You have been very brave, for so very long. Aelin couldn't stop the silent sob that worked its way up her throat. But you must be brave a little while longer, my Fireheart. She leaned into her mother's touch. You must be brave a little while longer, and remember...

Her mother placed a phantom hand over Aelin's heart. It is the strength of this that matters. No matter where you are, no matter how far, this will lead you home. Aelin managed to slide a hand up to her chest, to cover her mother's fingers. Only thin fabric and iron met her skin. But Evalin Ashryver held Aelin's gaze, the softness turning hard and gleaming as fresh steel. It is the strength of this that matters, Aelin. Aelin's fingers dug into her chest as she mouthed, The strength of this. Evalin nodded. Cairn's hissed threats danced through the coffin, his knife scraping and scraping. Evalin's face didn't falter. You are my daughter. You were horn of two mighty bloodlines. That strength flows through you. Lives in you. Evalin's face blazed with the fierceness of the women who had come before them, all the way back to the Faerie Queen whose eyes they both bore.

You do not yield.

I'll put up a fight,

"My name is Celaena Sardothien," she whispered, "and I will not be afraid." The wagon cleared the wall and stopped. Celaena raised her head. I will not be afraid. Celaena Sardothien lifted her chin and walked into the Salt Mines of Endovier.

"Celaena," Chaol said gently. And then she heard the scraping noise as his hand came into view, sliding across the flagstones. His fingertips stopped just at the edge of the white line. "Celaena? he breathed, his voice laced with pain--and hope. This was all she had left--his outstretched hand, and the promise of hope, of something better waiting on the other side of that line. A quarter of an inch from Chaol, the thick white mark separating them. She lifted her eyes to his face, and found his gaze lined with silver. "Get up," was all he said. And in that moment, somehow his face was the only thing that mattered. She stirred, and couldn't stop her sob as her body erupted with pain that made her lie still again. But she kept her focus on his brown eyes, on his tightly pressed lips as they parted and whispered, "Get up."

What if we go on, only to more pain and despair? Then it is not the end. It was not the end. And she was not finished. But they were. "To a better world," Mala said, and walked through the doorway into her own. A better world. A world with no gods. No masters of fate. A world of freedom. She had been a slave and a pawn once before. She would never be so again. Not for them. Never for them. The debt has already been paid enough. A map home, a map inked in the words of universes, would lead the way. More and more and more. But not all. She would not give it up. Her innermost self. She would not surrender. They would not take this lingering kernel of her. She would not yield it. They would not destroy her. They would not be allowed to take this. Come back to me. She would live. She would live, and they could all go to hell. A better world. With no gods, no fates. A world of their own making. Aelin bellowed and bellowed, the sound ringing out across all worlds. They would not beat her. They would not get to take this, this most essential kernel of self. Of soul. Once upon a time, in a land long since burned to ash, there lived a young princess who loved her kingdom.... Her kingdom. Her home. She would see it again. It was not over. Aelin's hand drifted to her heart and rested there. It is the strength of this that matters, her mother had said, long ago. Wherever you go, Aelin, no matter how far, this will lead you home. No matter where she was. No matter how far. Even if it took her beyond all known worlds. Aelin's fingers curled, palm pressing into the pounding heart beneath. This will lead you home. The archway to Erilea inched closed. World-walker. Wayfarer. Others had done it before. She would find a way, too. A way home. No longer the Queen Who Was Promised. But the Queen Who Walked Between Worlds. She would not go quietly. She was not afraid.

Taking out my earrings.

The girl wore her scars the way some women wore their finest jewelry. — They had taken her scars. Maeve had taken them all away. -- There were no scars where there should have been. The almost-necklace of them from Baba Yellowlegs: gone. The shackle marks from Endovier: gone. The scar where she'd been forced by Arobynn Hamel to break her own arm: gone. And on her palms... It was upon her exposed palms that Aelin now gazed. As if realizing what was missing. The scars across her palms, one from the moment they had become carranam, the other from her oath to Nehemia, had disappeared entirely. Like they had never been.--New skin, because they'd needed to replace what had been destroyed. To heal her so they could begin again and again.

"There are no gods left to watch, I'm afraid. And there are no gods left to help you now, Aelin Galathynius." — Light and darkness. Life and death. Where do I fit in? The thought sent a jolt through her so strong that her hands fumbled for anything to use against him. Not like this. She'd find a way--she could find a way to survive. I will not be afraid. She'd whispered that every morning in Endovier; but what good were those words now? A demon came at her, and a scream--not of terror or of despair, but rather a plea--burst from her throat. A call for help. And from another world, Elena swept down, cloaked in golden light. "I cannot protect you," whispered the queen, her skin glowing. Her face was different, too--sharper, more beautiful. Her Fae heritage. "I cannot give you my strength." She traced her fingers across Celaena's brow. "But I can remove this poison from your body." --Elena put a hand on Celaena's forehead. "Take it," said the queen. Celaena strained to reach the remnant of the staff, her vision flashing between the sunny veranda and the endless dark. "Be gone," Elena barked, forming a symbol with her fingers. A bright blue light burst from her hands. "Stand," Elena said. She was becoming translucent. Her hands drifted from Celaena's cheeks, and a white light filled the sky. The poison left Celaena's body. Cain, once again a man of flesh and blood, walked over to the sprawled assassin. "Stand." Elena whispered again, and was gone. The world appeared. — Aelin smiled, and Goldryn burned brighter. "I am a god."

Her name was Aelin Ashryver Whitethorn Galathynius. And she would not be afraid. Maeve and Erawan halted. So did the army poised behind them, a final blow of the hammer, ready to land upon Orynth. The magic in her veins was little more than a sputtering ember. But they did not know that. Her shaking hands threatened to drop her weapons, but she held firm. Held fast. Not one more step. — Hold the line. — A crown of flame appeared atop her head, swirling and unbreakable. She could never win against both of them. But she wouldn't make it easy. Would take one of them down with her, if she could. Or at least slow them enough for the others to enact their plan, to find a way to either halt or defeat them. Even if either option seemed unlikely. Hopeless. But that was why she remained here. To give them that slim shred of hope. That will to keep fighting. At the end of this, if that was all she was able to do against Erawan and Maeve, she could go to the Afterworld with her chin held high. She would not be ashamed to see those she had loved with her heart of wildfire. — A Fire-Bringer no more. But Aelin all the same.

Don't you know the vibe?

"Yield to me?" You do not yield. Aelin blinked. "It's easier, isn't it," Maeve mused, bracing her forearms against the lip of the coffin. "To remain here. So you needn't make such terrible choices. To let the others share the burden. Bear its cost." A hint of a smile. "Deep down, that's what haunts you. That wish to be free? Freedom--she'd known it. Hadn't she? "It's what you fear most--not me, or Erawan, or the keys. That your wish to be free of the weight of your crown, your power, will consume you. Embitter you until you do not recognize your own self." Her smile widened. "I wish to spare you from that. With me, you shall be free in a way you've never imagined, Aelin. I swear it." An oath. She had sworn an oath. To Terrasen. To Nehemia. To Rowan. Aelin closed her eyes, shutting out the queen above her, the mask, the chains, the iron box. Not real. This was not real. Wasn't it? "I know you're tired," Maeve went on, gently, coaxingly. "You gave and gave and gave, and it was still not enough. It will never be enough for them will it?" -- Would never stop feeling it, the whisper of the pain. -- Cairn ran a hand over the rim of the coffin. "I broke some part of you, didn't I?" I name you Elentiya, "Spirit That Could Not Be Broken?" Aelin traced her metal-encrusted fingers over her palm. Where a scar should be. Where it still remained. Would always remain, even if she could not see it. Nehemia--Nehemia, who had given everything for Eyllwe. And yet... And yet, Nehemia had still felt the weight of her choices. Still wished to be free of her burdens. It had not made her weak. Not in the slightest. Her hands curled into fists. Iron groaned. Spirit that could not be broken. Spirit that could not be broken. You do not yield. She would endure it again, if asked. She would do it. Every brutal hour and bit of agony. And it would hurt, and she would scream, but she'd face it. Survive against it. Arobynn had not broken her. Neither had Endovier. She would not allow this waste of existence to do so now. Her shaking eased, her body going still. Waiting. Maeve blinked at her. Just once. Aelin sucked in a breath--sharp and cool. She did not want it to be over. Any of it. Aelin sat up in the coffin. Maeve backed away all of a step. Aelin surveyed the illusion, so artfully wrought. The stone chamber, with its braziers and hook from the ceiling. The stone altar. The open door and roar of the river beyond. She made herself look. To face down that place of pain and despair. It would always leave a mark, a stain on her, but she would not let it define her. Hers was not a story of darkness. This would not be the story. She would fold it into herself, this place, this fear, but it would not be the whole story. It would not be her story. "How?" Maeve simply asked. Aelin knew a world and a battlefield raged beyond them. But she let herself linger in the stone chamber. Climbed from the iron coffin. Maeve only stared at her. "You should have known better," Aelin said, the lingering embers within her shining bright. "You, who feared captivity and did all this to avoid it. You should have known better than to trap me. Should have known l'd find a way." "How?" Maeve asked again. "How did you not break?" "Because I am not afraid," Aelin said.

Don't you know the feeling?

“You make me want to live, Rowan. Not survive. Not exist. Live.” — “You make me want to live, too, Aelin Galathynius,” he said. “Not exist—but live.”

Live, Aelin. — Live.

You should spend the night,

"Do you want to know what your first mission will be?" She looked at his golden-brown eyes and all of the promises that lay within them, and linked her arm with his as she smiled. "Tell me tomorrow."

"Can I give you a suggestion for what we should rebuild first?" Aelin smiled, and eternity opened before them, shining and glorious and lovely. "Tell me tomorrow."

Catch me on your ceiling.

Celaena sat on the edge of her roof, looking out across the city. . . She didn't want to be a part of this tangled web. Not when Arobynn had made it perfectly clear that she could never win. . . "I thought you might be up here," Sam said, striding across the flat roof to where she sat atop the wall that lined the edge. He surveyed the city. "Some view; I can see why you decided to move." She smiled slightly, turning to look at him over her shoulder.

That's your prize,

He understood what she meant by this--this relationship between them, this bond that was forming, so unbreakable and unyielding that it made the entire axis of her world shift toward him. That terrified her more than anything. "I can wait," he said thickly, kissing her collarbone. "We have all the time in the world." Maybe he was right. And spending all the time in the world with Sam ... That was a treasure worth paying anything for. . . He brushed his lips against hers. "I love you," he breathed against her mouth. "And from today onward, I want to never be separated from you. Wherever you go, I go. Even if that means going to Hell itself, wherever you are, that's where I want to be. Forever." Celaena put her arms around his neck and kissed him deeply, giving him her silent reply. Beyond them, the sun set over the capital, turning the world into crimson light and shadows…

That's your prize.

"Rowan," she whispered. From the rustle of sheets, she knew he was instantly awake. Stalking toward her, even as he shoved on his pants. But Aelin didn't turn as he rushed onto the balcony. And halted, too. In silence, they stared. Bells began pealing; people shouted. Not with fear. But in wonder. A hand rising to her mouth, Aelin scanned the broad sweep of the world. The mountain wind brushed away her tears, carrying with it a song, ancient and lovely. From the very heart of Oakwald. The very heart of the earth. Rowan twined his fingers in hers and whispered, awe in every word, "For you, Fireheart. All of it is for you." Aelin wept then. Wept in joy that lit her heart, brighter than any magic could ever be. All the time in the world. . . A better world.

[holly-louisexox]

Saviour II X Andy Biersack- Part 2

Masterlist

(Sequel to Ribcage)

Andy and Delia had finally found their happy ending in each other, Delia was living in LA with Andy and things could not be better.

With the group reuniting to complete a UK and Europe tour, some challenges threaten to tear Andy and Delia apart. Can Andy continue to try his hardest to be what Delia made, or will the couple drift apart from each other?

"So how excited are you for the UK?" Shevy asks through the phone as she and Delia discussed things via video call. "Honestly I cannot wait to take you to Gregg's and let you experience the greatness of their sausage rolls!"

"We're still on about the sausage rolls." Delia laughs shaking her head slightly. "Honestly I'm just hoping the Starbucks there is as good as the ones here in the States, you know what I'm like with my coffee."

"Starbucks is still pretty good in the UK don't worry." Shevy laughs "Oh, I just remembered as well, you've gone vegan recently haven't you?"

"Yeah." Delia nods "I mean it wasn't too much of a change considering I rarely ate meat anyway, but it just makes the food shop for me and Andy so much easier."

"Well, not to worry, Gregg's also do vegan sausage rolls which I imagine are still nice, I've never had one myself." Shevy explains before she's cut off.

"I can confirm they are nice." Andy chimes in as he climbs into bed next to Delia before placing his 'sacred' notepad on the bedside table; he had yet to show Delia what he was working on. "Hey Shevy."

"Hey Andy!" Shevy smiles "Have you come to steal my best friend away from me?"

"If anything I think you're going to be the one stealing my girlfriend away from me on this tour, so I've been savouring the time alone with Delia." Andy jokes making Shevy laugh.

"I'm sure we can share." Shevy jokes back.

"I am right here you know?" Delia pipes up joining in on the joke "Maybe I won't hang out with either of you this tour, I have been missing my second best friend Lonny after all."

"We need to remember Lonny's birthday this tour too." Andy announces suddenly which makes Delia look at him with a questioning glance.

"Andy, Lonny's birthday was 5 months ago." Delia is puzzled by Andy's comment.

"We should still celebrate it on tour, he can be like the old Queen of England and have multiple birthday celebrations." Andy laughs "Come on, it'll be a fun prank to pull on him randomly one show."

"Andy, is a prank war really a good idea?" Shevy rolls her eyes slightly "You know it's myself and Delia who will have to do the round of cleaning up and trying to control you and the band from doing anything too reckless."

"Shevy don't be such a buzz kill." Andy grins.

"Okay, just this one prank please." Shevy shakes her head slightly whilst smiling "Anyway I have a slightly earlier flight than you two so I need to sleep. I'll see you both in Norwich. Goodnight."

"Night Shevy." Andy and Delia speak in unison before the call ends; Delia then plugs her phone in to charge and places it on her bedside table before snuggling into Andy's side and looking up at him "So how was your evening? When are you going to show me what you're writing in that journal of yours?"

"Not yet. Honestly I don't even know if it's going to go anywhere." Andy shrugs slightly before wrapping his arms around Delia.

"You need to stop being so hard on yourself all the time Andy." Delia frowns slightly.

"I'm trying babe, I really am. I'm still not used to the idea of someone not wanting to criticise me all the time and judge my work." Andy sighs slightly before placing a soft kiss to Delia's forehead "I'm also worried that people will judge the songs I write for the band if it's obvious I'm a love sick puppy for you."

"Sometimes vulnerability is the best story." Delia tries to ease his mind "Look at how the fans react to Lost It All for example, they love seeing the vulnerable side, why not show them a happier vulnerability?"

"This is why you are the best thing in my life Delia Vincent." Andy smirks at her idea, it made sense, her ideas always did make sense. "I love you."

"I love you too." Delia grins back before pressing her lips to Andy's.

In the perfect world, Andy and Delia would have been very professional and would have gone straight to sleep and gotten an early night ready for their flight to the UK. However, the way that the two of them were enamoured with each other, that simply was not the case. Instead, they would be met the next morning with clothes thrown across the floor that they would have to rush to tidy away before leaving the house and heading to the airport.

----------------------------

"Delia!" Shevy screams excitedly as she sees Delia and Andy walk through the lobby of the hotel they were staying in.

"Shevy!" Delia screams back as she sees Shevy running to approach them before pulling Delia into a tight hug "It's so nice to see you again, I was just saying to Andy, once the others arrive I vote we all go out for food and catch up."

"I'm so down!" Shevy grins pulling away from the hug to look towards Andy teasingly "Hey love bug."

"Please do not start calling me that Shevy." Andy chuckles softly whilst shaking his head.

"Hey, I much prefer the smitten Andy to Moody Biersack." Shevy laughs before hugging Andy "It's good to see you happy still."

"That's fair, it's nice to feel happy." Andy speaks as Shevy once again pulls out of the hug.

"D, how's your dad doing?" Shevy then asks looking at Delia with sympathy in her eyes; only Andy and Shevy knew about Nick's cancer, she didn't really want to make it a big announcement in fear of it effecting her job, plus she was never one for sympathy and pity.

"Yeah, he's doing well, we spoke to him at the airport whilst we were waiting for our flight. Obviously he has the fatigue, nausea and his hair is thinning but he's managing." Delia nods sadly; yes her dad was doing well but it was still scary that he was having to go through treatment again, especially since she so nearly lost him the last time he had cancer.

"I'm glad to hear he's doing well honey, you're so brave for still wanting to do this tour." Shevy smiles placing a hand on her shoulder for comfort.

"I would love to be with him right now but he didn't want me to fuss over him." Delia continues to nod "Sadly dad is stubborn, more so than me."

"The others don't know either, we thought about telling them about Nick but decided against it. We just want to survive this tour and then we're going to visit our families after." Andy explains which makes Shevy nod.

"Okay, but D, you know if you need me you can always come find me. We can get coffee or something and just chat." Shevy smiles. "I know you have Andy but let's be real, sisters before misters aye?"

"Thanks Shevy." Delia smiles back "We should get checked in, we'll meet you down here in a bit? When the others get here let them know about food plans yeah?"

"On it." Shevy grins.

--------------------------------------

"There's our golden couple!" CC grins as he spots the 2 remaining group members making their way over. "This meal was your idea yet we were waiting on you. I don't want to know what you kids were doing."

"I don't know what you mean CC, I am a child of God." Delia jokes sending him a smirk; in reality, she and Andy had actually spoken to Tamara and Nick to let them know they had arrived safely. No one would admit it, but the circle was more fragile than they let off. Tamara and Nick were constantly worried about Delia and her safety since Seattle, although they trusted Andy to the fullest, and Delia and Andy were growing more and more concerned for Nick and his health, chemotherapy was not being kind to him.

"Yeah and I'm a virgin." CC shoots back making everyone in the group burst into laughter from the jokes of the two of them.

"It's good to see you looking well Delia." Lonny smiles.

"Lonny, thank goodness you're here! Andy and Shevy have been fighting over me so I'm hanging out with you." Delia explains as she walks over to Lonny and gives him a hug.

"As glad as I am to see you D, I'd rather not get in the middle of this in case Andy gets moody with me." Lonny laughs hugging her back whilst looking at Andy to really wind him up.

"Oh fuck you Lonny." Andy laughs shaking his head at his fellow band member.

"I'm just saying." Lonny laughs alongside him as he and Delia break from the hug.

"Have you guys seen her?" Andy's mood suddenly drops as he instantly takes a hold of Delia's hand as soon as she is standing back next to him; it was almost an instinct, as if he was trying to ground himself or make sure he didn't lose Delia.

"No we haven't. I don't even know if she's here yet or if she's going to be arriving later, but management would tell us if she wasn't coming surely." Jake explains.

"Honestly I'd rather just avoid her." Andy sighs which makes Delia squeeze his hand to try and comfort him.

"She won't do anything Andy, even if she tries to we're all gonna be around so it'll be her word against ours." Jinxx explains which makes Andy nod anxiously.

"Yeah, yeah you're right." Andy agrees before looking at Delia "I just hope she doesn't try to mess anything up."

"She won't Andy." Delia smiles at him "We're both happy, she can't take that away from us, right?"

"Yeah, right." Andy smiles before kissing Delia's forehead.

"Can we go get food now? I'm hungry." Lonny groans breaking the moment between Andy And Delia.

"Yeah, I'd rather not lose my appetite from you two love sick puppies." CC pretends to vomit whilst holding back a laugh from his own joke.

"Lonny when are you not hungry?" Delia rolls her eyes whilst completely ignoring CC and his comment.

"Hey, I'm not always hungry!" Lonny defends himself.

"Yet you're the one who will just sit there and eat straight up bread from his bag." Andy teases Lonny.

"Right yeah, it was one time. You're never going to let me live that down are you?" Lonny sighs whilst trying his hardest not to laugh.

"Nope, you and your weird snacks will always be one of us." Shevy laughs. "Now come on, let's get food I'm starving."

It was refreshing for Delia to be back with the group and despite everything, the dynamic had not changed one bit. She just prayed that it would remain this way. She could sense Andy's anxiety without him having to verbalise it, she knew he did not want to face Juliet and she couldn't blame him after what had happened. As much as Delia trusted Andy, the idea of Juliet being here did bring her own anxieties to surface. The last thing she wanted was to lose Andy because of her, plus she was extremely worried to face this woman. Yes she is very pretty, but that is not her worry. Her worry was linked to the abuse and manipulation Juliet had projected onto Andy in the past, Juliet completely broke him and ruined him until he was nothing and could trust no one. Andy had just become whole again and Delia would hate to see him return to that, she was unsure if even she could save him from that if he returned to that state of mind again.

...All of these wild thoughts were just anxieties and Delia's overthinking, right?

[aroace-poly-show]

hi more me guessing hw songs.

i learned the lyrics to Snowman by halyosy (lyrics) and now can't stop thinking of it as a potential hw song- not as a song they would cover, but as a song their virtual singer would sing to them (kaito to tsukasa specifically). i don't think you've ever shared virtual singer lore so im making it up drawing influence from the feelings of both the nightcord and wxs virtual singers

""I told a lie to my mom", a boy began to cry. I am made to be all white so that I can take away the darkness in his heart". -> n25s miku's whole thing is to be there for mafuyu and help ease the pain in her heart. i'd guess the virtual singers of hw would have a similar motivation. (also, the lie in question was that the boy had friends and was talented at school and sports, so that his dying mother didn't worry about him. if this isn't tsukasa at its core.)

"I tried to warm your cold smile, but I can't make a smile with my artificial eyes" -> but the vs aren't actually real (i dont want to think about the implications of sekai so i will leave it there), so what can they do other than provide support? provide a word here or there, a wish of healing? but also- the wishes of the virtual singers have to come from somewhere, right? is this not also the wish of hw- "i want you to be happy, even if i am not yet myself"?

"Neon tubes and monochrome snow" -> i actually don't really know what this line means in the actual song but here- the neon lights of the theater, the colorful world of the stage, and the cold, grey feelings freezing them in place?

"I'll tell you how to do it, I believe you can do it, Soft snow covers our tracks" -> this again as the wish of the virtual singers- i can't change for you, but i can offer advice and push you forward because i know you can (oh also spitball other point- kaito's line in his 1.5 anni card- "when faced with a wall, i don't want to push them up over from the bottom. I want to climb it myself and pull them up with me, so that we can see the other side together"). i had a connection to the soft snow covering our tracks part but i don't know how to say it in words. but in colors it's a soft orange. which i know doesn't make any sense.

"You ran with your friends" -> emu nene rui do i need to say more here. (yes because it never gets old. because of the pain, of the things that tore them down, of the steps they took back up, they found their dreams friends family).

"He will be alright now, 'cause there's no winter that isn't followed by spring" -> yes

also raising the point of snow imagery- it alrealy exists in normal n25- mafuyu did chose the name "yuki". and i think there was an event about it. i think that theme also works in hw. but instead of the damp, blue sort of snowfall that feels cold and hollow, it's the warmer, sparkly snow of dawn. it's the snow that was lonely in the night, but beings to feel less so when the light first begins to break.

AADHWJJDNWKDNWKDUSQJOSHISKWUQNDOBWNSNSJ acey are you in my fucking brain. aroace wxs fanatics really do share a brain cell because HELLO??????/silly

i haven’t said shit about the virtual singers yet but ohmygod your guess is so fucking on point. awawawa. this is so fucking hw core and like it fits so so fucking well into the current thoughts i have for both tsukasa and the main story guhhhh explodes explodes explodes

firstly, might as well do a tiny bit of explanation for hw virtual singers. they both have the same overall personalities as canon wxs, kaito being the responsible older brother figure (representing what tsukasa wants to be like yknow) and miku being very childish and all (i. forget her symbolism w tsukasa. whoops). also given that the sekai and they were created from tsukasa’s feelings, they are well aware that tsukasa isn’t quite okay. even if he isn’t entirely aware of it himself. yknow how he is. anyway. you’re very right about hw virtual singers. their goal is both to ease their pain but also to like. revive the bit of hope they all had, and help them not lose it again. given it’s an online theater group, they of course want to help them do shows and find joy in doing again, because despite it hurting them so badly they still hold so much love for shows and the vs want to help them with it, but more than anything they want them all to find joy in living again. like they’ve all been hurt and vs is there to ease that pain and help them find joy and hope despite being given so much shit and having been hurt. yknow. and i don’t have much to add aside from that cause like. you got them so well. my god

"You ran with your friends" throwing UP. i hate these clowns and their stupid loving friendship and love and care they have for each other because who else understood them like they did each other who else did they have aside from each other because who else will drag them back up and cling to hope with them like they do for each other. they’re so. sobs.

"He will be alright now, 'cause there's no winter that isn't followed by spring" YES. YES INDEED. they’re all gonna be okay. they’re gonna be okay. cries.

tsukasa side note:

""I told a lie to my mom", a boy began to cry. I am made to be all white so that I can take away the darkness in his heart" -> also like you said TBIS IS TSUKASA AT HIS CORE and he’s exactly the same in hw. he wants to be that big brother his siblings can look up to he wants to make them proud and he especially doesn’t want to worry anyone Ever and saki and toya know something might be wrong but he won’t tell her (but to be fair. he hasn’t exactly admitted it to himself either) bc he’s tsukasa tenma!! he’s okay!!! he has to be okay!! he’s going to be a star!! and what kind of star would let a lot a few setbacks get him down!! so there’s no need for anyone to worry!! cause he’s a-okay!! (<- lying. to himself as well.) honestly at this rate i’m not even gonna need to do the tsukasa ramble since i’m just rambling about him in asks when i can /lh

[alj4890]

Mixed Signals

(Dr. Tobias Carrick x F!MC *Chris Valentine) (Dr. Ethan Ramsey x F!MC*Chris Valentine) (Dr. Bryce Lahela x F!MC*Chris Valentine) in an Open Heart Fan fiction.

A/N I've written only a few drabbles for Open Heart, but after the disappointment of Book 3 and no book 4 to fix everything, the idea for this series has been in my mind ever since the attack in Book 2 began.

Masterlist

Song Inspiration for this series: Sparks by Coldplay

Prologue

Mass Kenmore Hospital...

"Dr. Valentine?" Tobias said in surprise. "What brings you deep into enemy territory?"

Chris took a hesitant step forward. Her fingers twisted the material of her wool skirt as she faced the man partly responsible for saving her life.

What did one say to the very person that she had insulted, labeled the enemy, and fought so hard to beat?

After all that she had done, Dr. Tobias Carrick had dropped everything and rushed to Edenbrook on the day of the attack to find a way to save her life.

Licking her lips, she lifted her eyes to his. "If you're not busy, Dr. Carrick, I was wondering if I could speak to you," she looked about at the nurses and doctors rushing past on the fifth floor of Mass Kenmore, "alone?"

His smug smirk peeked out. Stepping to the side, he waved her down the hall. "Fourth door on the left is my office."

With shaky legs, she walked toward the direction he pointed.

He opened the door for her and followed her inside.

Smoothing her damp hands down her skirt, she once more faced him.

Tobias sat down on the edge of his desk, his smirk slowly disappearing. "You okay, Chris?"

She nodded and took a deep breath to try and keep her tears at bay.

He reached for her hand. "Hey. It's okay. Take your time."

She bit down on her lip. That gentle bedside manner of his touched her heart. He had used it when he swooped in to see if he could find a cure for the poison she had inhaled. Hearing it once again made her feel...well, feel for the first time in a long time.

"I just...I just wanted to stop by and thank you--"

"You already thanked me." He told her, smiling again.

"I know." She swallowed once more. "This is my first day out of the hospital and I wanted to thank you again when I'm not..."

When I'm not what? Out of my head? Weak from nearly dying? Heartbroken over losing Danny and Bobby? Worried about Rafel? Wondering why neither of the two men I work with and have feelings for won't say what we are?

"Chris?"

"Sorry." She sniffed and reached for a tissue on his desk. The movement made her move directly between his legs.

She heard the light intake of breath and looked up. Their faces were close to one another's, so much so that she could smell both the peppermints he preferred and the light splash of cologne he had on.

He was completely still yet tense with his body poised for whatever she was going to do next.

Without any thought or plan for where this might go, she kissed his cheek and hugged him.

His arms lifted to hold her when he felt her stray warm tears against his neck.

"Do you want to talk about it?" He asked softly, gently squeezing her close.

"Not really." She admitted. "Everyone keeps telling me to give myself time and all." She eased back. "I wish they would leave me alone."

He kept his hands on her waist while studying her. "Then tell them."

"Ha. You've met them." She snorted. "They don't take orders like that well."

"True." He replied. "You want me to do it?" His smirk brought a grin to her face. "Ethan already considers me a pain in his ass. What's one more mark against me?"

She laughed, while dabbing at her eyes and nose. "After what you did for me? No way am I letting you continue to be the bad guy."

"Aww shucks, Valentine." Tobias teased. "You're going to give me a big head."

"As if it wasn't already big enough." She teased back. Tilting her head, she pretended to study him. "How do you lift it?"

"I work out." He winked then stood up. "I'm glad you came by."

"Me too." She held her hand out.

He shook his head. "You already hugged me. I figure that could be our thing."

"Our thing?"

Tobias pulled her back into his embrace.

"Yeah." He hugged her close. "Now that you won't let me be the big bad guy, I think this means you want us to be friends."

"Whoa. I'm merely a girl coming to thank a guy for saving her life." She teased. "Don't go thinking this means more than that."

"Sorry. Thought is already there." He countered, letting her go. "You're stuck with me now Chris whether you like it or not."

"Ugh, fine." She playfully grumbled. "I already deal with so many ego maniacs. What's one more?"

He opened his office door for her. "I knew you would agree."

"Just because you won this round doesn't mean you'll win them all, Dr. Carrick." Chris warned, completely unable to keep from grinning at him.

"Allow me to let you in on a little secret, Dr. Valentine," he leaned down close to whisper. "I win all the rounds that are important to me." Swiping up the folder he had previously been studying, he saluted her. "See you soon."

*****************

A couple of weeks later...

"Baz and I will go talk to the patient." June offered.

"Good, I'll..." Ethan's eyes widened when the door of the diagnostics office opened.

Chris calmly walked in and flashed a brief smile. "Good morning. Sorry I'm late. My landlord needed some help being admitted."

"Chris?" Ethan's brow furrowed. "We didn't expect you back so soon."

Baz bounded over to wrap her in a hug while June questioned her about any lingering side effects.

"A little tired still and occasionally breathless, but other than that I feel mostly back to normal."

"Fascinating." June's smile formed. "I'd love to sit down and discuss with you--"

"Kerri Monroe's diagnosis." Ethan bit out. "That's what you need to focus on now."

"On it." Baz whispered how happy he was to have Chris back as he followed June out the door.

"Anything I can do?" Chris walked over and picked up the medical file. "Should I order some labs for Mrs. Monroe or--"

"Sit down." Ethan ordered. "You shouldn't have come back so soon, Rookie."

"Why?" Chris looked up at him, surprised he called her that particular nickname again. "There are things to do here. People need my help more than I need to sit on a couch all day."

He ran a hand through his hair. "You don't need to exert yourself. We don't know if--"

"You weren't worried about me exerting myself after the funeral." She muttered.

His cheeks flushed at the reminder of what had happened in his car on that stormy night. "Chris, I'm still your superior. I don't know--"

She quickly waved her hand dismissing his same reason of why he wouldn't fully commit to her. "I get it. No need to tell me again."

An awkward silence fell between them.

"If," she coughed to cover her embarrassment, "if you don't need me right now, I'll uh, I'll go make my rounds."

"Go ahead." Ethan said softly. His eyes drifted over her face before he forced them elsewhere.

"Just page me if you need another set of eyes." She tried to sound like her old self, yet it held a shrill edge at the end.

"Will do."

She tried to keep her steps from rushing out the door.

"Chris?"

Taking a steadying breath she turned back toward him.

"Don't overdo it." He ordered.

With a quick nod, she walked out the door.

******************

A few hours later...

"...and then Robin flips over the bad guy and..."

Chris couldn't stop smiling at her seven hear old patient telling her his favorite stories of Batman and Robin. Throughout examining him, he had shown her his toys and comic books that his parents had brought into his room.

"How's you're tummy feel?" She asked when he paused for breath.

His little face dimmed of happiness. "Still hurts some."

"I promise it will feel better soon." She then addressed his parents about the afternoon's surgery.

A knock had them all turning to see Bryce walking in, wearing a Robin mask.

"I heard that a hero needs some..." His eyes widened. "Chris! What are you doing back at work?"

She shrugged while helping them move the patient to the gurney. "It felt like it was time."

His brow furrowed much like Ethan's had when seeing her.

"Walk with me?" He asked as soon as they began to wheel towards surgery. "And wait until I drop him off."

"You're not performing the surgery?" She asked.

"Not today. I have one in about an hour scheduled that Dr. Tanaka wants me for."

A few minutes later, Bryce motioned for her to follow him to the cafeteria. It was for the most part empty, save for a couple of doctors grabbing a late lunch.

"You want anything?" He asked.

"No thanks." She sat down at a table while he went to get a snack.

He grinned as he sat down across from her. "Here." He pushed a bag of peanuts toward her. "You should eat something."

Her nose wrinkled. "I really haven't gotten my appetite back yet."

She noticed the concern in his eyes so like her roommates' and knew she would have to force down some of the peanuts just to make it stop.

"So?" She tried not to gag on what once was her favorite goto snack. "How have you been?"

"Shouldn't I be asking you that?" He bit into a burger. "I mean," he said between bites, "of the two of us, you've been the patient."

"Yeah." She slumped some in her seat. "I wasn't too sick to talk on the phone though." Her eyes narrowed somewhat on his. "Or have visitors."

Bryce winced. "Sorry about that, Chris. I guess I didn't know what to say or do?"

"Really?" Her eyes narrowed more.

How often had she stressed to him within the past year that he was important to her, that she wanted to be with him. Then when he wouldn't say he wanted that too and reverted back to calling her a friend, she gave in to trying something with Ethan.

Only for both men to keep her on a yoyo string to pull back and forth whenever they needed her.

What do I see in them to keep swallowing my pride and allowing them to basically use me for sex whenever they want?

Chris was fed up. The longer Bryce stammered about his busy schedule and not wanting to disturb her rest, the more she wanted to chunk the peanuts at his stupid, much too handsome face.

She didn't even want the damn things. Might as well use them as a quick release to her frustration.

Her fingers curled around the bag. Her bicep tightened in preparation to throw them, when Sienna walked up.

Her friend's excited hug and squeals of seeing her at work again were what saved Bryce's overly confident face.

"Why didn't you tell me you were coming back?!" Sienna sat down next to her. "I would have made celebration pancakes this morning!"

Chris couldn't stop from smiling. She could always depend on Sienna's sweetness to boost her mood.

"I didn't really decide until you had left for work. Then Farley came by to check on me and he wasn't feeling too good..."

She continued to tell her about his diagnosis of lime disease.

"Hate to break this up, but I have to get ready for surgery." Bryce smiled at them both. "Take it easy, Valentine. I don't want to have to operate on you next."

Chris bit back a bitter retort that he better hope she needed surgery. It would be his only chance to catch her naked again.

"Meet us at Donahue's later!" Sienna shouted. "We will celebrate Chris being back."

"There's no need." Chris began.

"Yes, there is!" Sienna squeezed another hug out of her. "My best friend is back with us and I'm over the moon about it!"

Bryce smirked at her. "She's right. We have to celebrate our friend's return."

Our friend. Chris despised the word, friend. Why did she keep placing her hope on him seeing her as something more than a mere friend?

And to make things worse, Ethan walked past.

"Dr. Ramsey!" Sienna called out before Chris could stop her. "Come have a drink with us tonight in honor of Chris's return!"

Ethan hesitated. That action nearly earned him peanuts in his handsome face too.

Gawd, I hate that look. The sad, yearning eyes. The slight frown. Man up and either say you want to date me or leave me alone for good! This back and forth is killing me worse than the poison did.

"Where at?" Ethan finally asked.

"Donahue's." Sienna beamed when he said he would try and stop by on his way home.

Chris mumbled a goodbye as Bryce left and Ethan headed off to find something to eat.

"Who else should we invite? I know Rafe is still too sick to get out." Sienna tapped her fingers on the table while scrolling through her contacts. "We can invite the rest of the diagnostic team and Ines and--"

"I'll send an invite to Tobias." Chris decided.

"Tobias? Who's...oh!" Sienna's eyes widened. "Dr. Carrick, right?"

"Yeah." Chris sent a text to him before she could think too much about it. "He did rush over with Aurora to try and save my life."

"I thought he was the enemy?" Sienna whispered while her eyes cut to Ethan. "Don't they have bad blood between them?"

"Something like that." Chris grumbled. "They can get over it."

Her phone vibrated with Tobias's response.

You want me to come deep into Edenbrook territory for a drink?

She snorted while answering.

Too scared, huh? And here I was longing for your company.

Well hell, Chris. I've never been able to refuse someone longing for my company. I'll be there. Just make sure no one sticks a scalpel in my back.

Don't worry. I'll protect you.

My hero.

Sienna leaned over, her eyes growing larger with each of their responses.

"Oh my gosh! You like Tobias!"

Chris's smile disappeared. "I don't hate him. But like like him? No."

"You're flirting in your texts!" Sienna giggled. "That is so cute. I haven't see you like this since our first year with--" she clapped a hand over her mouth.

"Uh huh." Chris pushed her chair back. "Anyway, I'll see you after work." She patted her friend's shoulder as she walked away. "Don't worry, I'm not upset with you over the name you almost said."

"Yeah, but." Sienna chased after her. "There is also another person who is interested in you."

"If you mean the one I think, then no. He made it perfectly clear this morning that we can't."

"No!" Sienna wrapped a comforting arm around Chris. "Why not?"

"He's still my boss." Chris mumbled. "And he won't abuse that. No matter how often he gives in to temptation."

"I think he's in love with you." Sienna whispered.

"Not enough to be with me." Chris grumbled.

[krenenbaker]

Obey Me! Song Analyses - Pomade

I absolutely love the songs released for this game, and have wanted to look into them a little deeper for quite a while! I'm starting off with the character song I've listened to the most - Asmodeus' character song, Pomade. While I technically should be starting with Arcadia... I'm kind of having Asmo brainrot right now, and want to talk about him ♡

link to the lyrics

This is probably my favourite OM! character song, though I am definitely biased (since Asmo is one of my absolute faves and I just LOVE Miura Ayme's singing and voice acting ^^;) but also, this song just suits Asmo so, so, so, so well!! 

For starters, the title is super interesting - Pomade. It's a clever reflection of Asmo's interests and focus (beauty, and specifically his *own* beauty.) And while this may be a bit of a reach, it also makes me think of his characterization, in how a pomade is often perfumed and is used to control hair, much like Asmo with his powers, both in terms of his ability to charm and his own perfume(s).

The genre choice is also perfect for this song. The soft, kind of… slightly seductive(?) synthpop-ish sound suits him well, especially with the gentle, yet upbeat instrumentals and vocals. It reminds me a lot of some of Hayley Kiyoko's music, actually, especially songs like Ease My Mind and Sleepover. (side note: Asmo would loooooooove her music. I'm 100% sure of it!!)

And if I could just go on about the vocals a little more, ahdkfaglsfh they're perfect. Not only is Miura's singing always amazing, his singing as Asmodeus is absolutely gorgeous!! it has such a different quality to his other songs, and is so wonderfully… bubbly, almost?? I just adore it. (Also, his vocal range is incredible, omgg ♡ The notes at the end of the chorus are SO clear and beautiful...)

However, it's the lyrics that really make me love this song. Like in all the songs the team has released, the internal thoughts and motivations of the character are made SO clear!! I feel as though Pomade shows a more vulnerable side to Asmo than we usually see in the game (which, as a side note, I feel as though his character development is a lot less... I don't know, noticeable? than the others? It's a little sad.) The lyrics do show his self-centeredness, narcissism, and his role as a demon, but that is more towards the beginning of the song. It's almost as though throughout the piece, there is a gradual acceptance on Asmo's part of his feelings, rather than his expectations of what he "should" feel. This is made especially clear with how the repeated lyrics shift, and how the chorus changes each time. 

For instance, the line in the first verse “Kimi wa boku no toriko” (“You're my captive”, or in the official translation, “For now, you're mine”) becomes the reverse (“I'm your captive" / “I'm yours”) in the second verse, which is a MAJOR thing for him to not only feel, but actually acknowledge to be true! The same can be said for how he goes from speaking about wanting to be seen and admired by you, to wanting to admire you instead.

It's also so interesting how the chorus changes each time, with the lyrics becoming more and more affectionate each repetition: 

“No matter who you are You're no match for me There is nobody but myself That is enough for me” 

turning into 

“Even if it's you You're still no match for me There is nobody but myself That I can fall for”, 

then finally,

“No matter who you are I want you to show me I fell in love with someone Besides myself for the first time” 

in the last chorus. Each repetition, he becomes more and more aware of his feelings, and more and more vulnerable, with his pride and ego giving way to genuine affection. He truly goes from being the charmer, to being charmed himself.

I just absolutely love this song, both for how well is showcases my darling Asmo, and just how nice of a song it is to listen to ^^

[frogwithgun]

Writing time!!!!!!

Got this idea while listening to Sleepless 10/10 song would recommend.

-----------------------------

4:05 AM. Big bold letters on his clock tease him with the fact that he still can't sleep. And how could he? How could Geto possibly sleep soundly when his best friend is just down the hall unaware of how he feels? He couldn't.

It drove him up the wall. So instead of trying to sleep any longer he just got up and went to the showers. Hoping that maybe the warm water would help him rid his mind of those clear blue eyes that reminded him of summer skies.

It didn't. Fuck.

-------------------

He goes back to his room and flops down onto his bed. His hair splaying all around him. He sighs. Then he sits up and looks at the clock again. 5:01 AM. He reaches for the nightstand and grabs a hair tie. Carefully putting his hair up into a ponytail.

There's nothing to do so early in the mornings. So he gets up and decides to get dressed for the day. He had a long day of missions and classes ahead of him after all.

And hopefully he would get to see him.

---------------------

"Suguru! You're awake!"

He jumps and turns to look over his shoulder. Ah there he is. Hair tussled from tossing and turning all through the night. Somehow looking perfectly imperfect. And his eyes are not yet covered by those sunglasses. Geto has to stop himself from swooning.

"Yeah. I've been up for a while. Couldn't sleep." Gojo nods. A wide grin on his lips. Geto can see the slight gloss from those candy flavor lip blams he loves to wear. He wonders, how do they taste?

He forces those thoughts away. "Why don't you come to my room next time then?" And Geto struggles to find out if he's being serious or teasing.

----------------

9:00 AM.

"And he's messing with me! I know he is! 'You can come to my room next time.' But I'm onto him!" Geto is in the infirmary with Shoko. Forcing her to listen to him ramble about his boy troubles. She hands him a cigarette. "Need this?"

Get immediately takes it. "There's no way he was being serious. He was probably just teasing me again." He's sitting on one of the beds and pouting. While Shoko tries to work. "Well maybe he is being serious." Geto scoffs and takes a drag from the cigarette. "Yeah right. You know he loves to mess with me."

Shoko rolls her eyes. "Look you're his one and only or something. He calls you two the strongest. And you're the only one he let's call him by his first name. If that's not enough of a sign I don't know what is!" She throws her hands up exasperated.

Geto rolls his eyes again. "I'm just waiting for him to say something more. Maybe tell me that he likes guys with black hair. Or purple eyes." He shrugs. Shokos buries her head in her hands. "I swear you two make me wanna kill myself." Geto laughs while Shoko glares at him.

"If you don't tell him I will." Geto shrugs. "Really? Let me show you something my dear friend." Shoko nods and they both leave to find Gojo.

-----------------

10:30 AM. Geto finds Gojo. Shoko trailing behind him. "Satoru!" Gojo turns and lights up. "Suguru!" He runs to Geto and jumps into his arms. Something Geto had to get used to. So he catches Gojo with ease. "My mission was soooooo long!" He complains. And Shoko feels like ripping out her hair.

How is he so oblivious? "Satoru I love you. I love you so much it hurts." And Gojo, with the biggest smile, says, "Aw Suguru! I love you too! You're my best friend." Geto looks at Shoko, still holding Gojo, and glares at her. "Damn. So maybe you need to try harder?" Getos eye twitches.

Then he nods. "Ok fine." He full on kisses Gojo. Tasting that coca cola flavored lip balm. And Gojo just smiles. "I missed you too! We should go get some mochi!" Shoko blinks.

He's hopeless.

--------------------

For some reason I love the idea of an oblivious ass Gojo and a very obvious Geto. It's so cute to me

[foggybear42]

the songs i have on my elody playlist and the lyrics in said songs that remind me of her

this ended up being a very long post so press read more to see the full thing

Alone And Sublime - Mother Mother

Aren't I supposed to wanna fight for love? / And life? / Everything that people say is right? / Am I so wrong to cry only when there's something in my eye? / Am I to die alone and sublime?

I threw a pebble in a stream / And let it go about as easily as love that might prosper / All the things they sing about in gospels. / Am I so awful, to stumble only when I'm walking with another? / Is it a blunder to die alone and sublime?

[aroace elody for the win]

Coming Back to Me - Leith Ross

Last week, I wondered if dying would feel like the stories the Catholic Church told / But I used to talk to my mother about how I just couldn't wait to get old

[also just the general feeling of realising that instead of viewing the world with the child-like wonder that you had as a kid, you now view the world with a sour cynicism]

doomsday - Lizzy Mcalpine

Pull the plug, make it painless / I don't want a violent end / Don't say that you'll always love me / 'Cause you know I'd bleed myself dry for you over and over again

I don't get a choice in the matter / Why would I? It's only the death of me

Eight - Sleeping at Last

I was just a kid who grew up strong enough / To pick this armor up / And suddenly it fit

I was little, I was weak and perfectly naive / And I grew up too quick

When I see fragile things, helpless things, broken things / I see the familiar / I was little, I was weak, I was perfect, too / Now I'm a broken mirror

I'm standing guard, I'm falling apart / And all I want is to trust you / Show me how to lay my sword down / For long enough to let you through

I'm just a kid who grew up scared enough / To hold the door shut / And bury my innocence

I'ma shake the ground with all my might / And I will pull my whole heart up to the surface / For the innocent, for the vulnerable / And I'll show up on the front lines with a purpose / And I'll give all I have, I'll give my blood, give my sweat / An ocean of tears will spill for what is broken / I'm shattered porcelain, glued back together again / Invincible like I've never been

Hate Yourself - TV Girl

I'd think you'd fall in love with anyone / Who fell in love with you

So take comfort / Cruel comfort / Before you start to wonder / How you got locked inside your room

Do you let them down, gently? / Does it only make it harder? / To let the feeling linger / To drag it out a little longer / Does it put your mind at ease? / But you're the one who brought 'em here / You're the one who has to take them when you leave / And how long will it… / Take? / Before you start to hate yourself

I Guess - Mitski

It's been you and me / Since before I was me / Without you, I don't yet know / Quite how to live

It's still as a pond / I am staring into / From here, I can say / Thank you / From here, I can tell you / Thank you

Inkpot Gods - The Amazing Devil

And what you see is not the dark / It's just the gods upturning ink pots 'cause they know what you'll become

And to those gods, I will speak bluntly / "We've an accord, if you ever touch or harm him / Please, rest assured that you might not fear a man / But to a woman, by the end, you'll kneel and plea / 'Cause I'm more than what my mum told me to be"

And I can hear him break / And he doesn't understand / And I wish that I could take his hand / But where I'm going is for me and me alone

If I don't make it back from where I've gone / Just know I loved you all along

Me and My Husband - Mitski

But me and my husband / We're doing better / It's always been just him and me / Together / So I bet all I have on that / Furrowed brow / And at least in this lifetime / We're sticking together / Me and my husband / We're sticking together

Savior Complex - Phoebe Bridgers

I drag you to the shore / Sweating through the heat / You're gonna drown in your sleep / For sure / Wake up and start a big fire / In our one room apartment / But I'm too tired / To have a pissing contest

I'm a bad liar / With a savior complex

[i really just hc that elody has a big saviour complex]

Screams and Dreams - Faye

And I guess this is the way it ends / And there's no point in staying friends / And I remember when you told me that you loved me / Little did I know and little did I say / You were over your head and I hadn't yet said / What's true in our heart

So I wish upon a star / And I promise I'll go far / And I close my eyes at once / And I hear a thousand songs

[mostly just added the "wish upon a star" part because it makes me think of fairy tales, and elody is, in fact, a fairy tale herself]

Show You a Body - Haley Heynderickx

I am letting you go / I am letting you go / I am letting you go awry

It was more a mirage / In sickness and health

[all the other lyrics fit elody in a more vibe-y way than a literal way]

Slow Down - Laufey

I wish it would slow down / Even for a second / I'm so old now / Left my adolescence

Think I found somebody / But don't think that it's love

The Night We Met - Lord Huron

I had all and then most of you / Some and now none of you / Take me back to the night we met / I don't know what I'm supposed to do / Haunted by the ghost of you / Oh, take me back to the night we met

Two Slow Dancers - Mitski

It's funny how they're all the same / It's funny how you always remember / And we've both done it all a hundred times before / It's funny how I still forgot / It would be a hundred times easier / If we were young again

When - Dodie

I think I've been telling lies / 'Cause I've never been in love

Sure, I'll live in the moment / But I'm never happy here

Memories painted with much brighter ink / They tell me I loved, teach me how to think

I'm waiting to live, and waiting to love / Oh, it'll be over, and I'll still be asking when

[aroace elody for the win pt2]

and here's the playlist itself!! (art by polarsirens)

[tocreateistobe]

Springtime Stream of Consciousness

I don't need to share don't bother

Asking how my day was we'll never get into the little details the important stuff

And I'll just sigh and say oh.

it was good

But I don't need to share

It's all for me and it's all a gift

It's free and loose and open and easy

It comes and goes comes and goes

Sometimes it sticks around for awhile

Sometimes it gets pried out of me

But usually I hold it for myself I hold it in my heart

As little secret treasures

Just for me

The little thoughts the precious little thoughts

The little songs in my head

The ideas that could become poems

But won't I promise I won't

waste effort I won't reach I won't clench

The squeeze makes for bitter tea

I come and go open fisted empty handed

The sights and sounds and smells

How every tree is more beautiful than the last and it's not a competition and I promise I won't forget the last

Lord the blossoms!

I sit with two closed notebooks beside my legs

I won't open them today

Everything is just for me and I will let it come and go

The little bee that hovers in front of me that lands softly on my arm that comes and goes and I wonder how many others, people and flowers, it has come and gone to and from today

And as it comes back I reach out my hand to make it easier

The jogger I passed

Dancing on the sidewalk

While I ride my bike

And I wonder if he thought the tears on my face were from the wind

Or from the song

The song that reminds me of another song that reminds me of another song

And isn't that how it goes one thing leads to another

And isn't that poetry things are like other things

The girls laughing at me as I waddle

After my ten dollar bill blowing in the wind

I promise I'm not worried I don't need it

Take it if you want it I won't run after it

And isn't it funny how running only makes the wind blow stronger the money tumble faster

The book-reading stranger I've shared a bench with enough times to no longer be strangers

What book is it today?

The ex-lover at the register who takes my money as if we've never met

And how I admire that Thank you for that

The little old lady who is anything but old

And my book-reading stranger-friend who offers to hold her dog while she gets her coffee

The little white shaggy dog who looks like its little white shaggy owner and who loves everyone

And how you know it

How wonderful it is to have someone always and forever excited to see you every time all the time

The neighbor who comes with her baby boy and stops in my little cement living room to share coffee to let her boy play

And the old friends who come with their little girl who has freshly learned to walk and now has endless possibilities and fearlessly walks to me clutches my jeans in her little fists

And how today seems to be family day, I've never seen so many babies I've never seen so much happiness I've never seen so much love

How wonderful it is to be cared for to have everything you need

And yet another old friend coming with a landing smile like he finally found what he was looking for and how sometimes I would consider these as interruptions

But how much better to receive them as gifts as life itself what else are we even doing to be aimless is not to be without purpose to be interrupted is not to be unproductive

Even still another old friend aren't we all just old friends who I see walk by and I let him go but also secretly call him forth in my heart and lo he returns and sits gives five minutes for me

And the ease of giving back

Time and conversation care and kindness easy smiles compliments and laughter

Another friend comes

And I'm starting to wonder what divine secretary I have working for me today

To place these precious little appointments back to back to back to back and one at a time so no voice is lost

I am a tree by a river and people come and go like I'm a surprise roadside attraction and I now know that this poem will never end the little thoughts will come and go the people and they are all for me and I am all for them and for them all and Lord! The blossoms Lord! The people Lord! The gifts!

Isn't it interesting how much you get when you let go of effort

Trust and wait

The pleasant surprises the gifts when you stop planning every minute

How much comes to you when you stop moving

How easy it is

When you stop thinking

Oh to stop the busy mind!

How easy it can be to find what you aren't looking for

etc and so on

forever and ever

amen

[aestheticvoyage2024]

Day 356: Saturday December 21, 2024 - "The Day All The Mustard Seeds Fell Out"

Its cold plunge season, and the daily ritual has taken hold as a meditation practice that soothes me in ways that I can't understand. I kept chipping away at that ice. Audrie created a loving and energetically positive place for me to keep digging deeper. Exploring the music, and the memories, until finally I had a revelation while she led bedtime that I was nervous to share. I didn't know it, but I was just one inch away from finally answering all my questions. I had already started to admit and affirm and acknowledge what I was - - and as I blasted through my own High Fidelity masterclass with relative ease, I had made the discovery that I had always been this way. I stood in our galley kitchen and rubbed my knuckles on my chest in front of Audrie, who already knew and was letting me crack the code for myself, "Ive always been this way". and there it was. It wasn't just a scared little boy. It was something else entirely. And I had always battled it. The next question was obvious - what was it? Its not depression or anxiety or PTSD - It very definitely was this, but what exactly is that name for this? Audrie was nervous, not sure how to help me with this one. She had a perfect analogy - of the sherpa untying. The rest of the climb is for you. And she was right. She had played every card perfectly as I cycled again in October and November. The whole care team saw it and finally started to chatter about it. Audrie got a e-book she could read on her phone and burned through it, each page affirming that last and describing the past... she was the second to find it. And now it was my turn.

If Ive always been this way, it will show in the music. I started to identify that tool. We played a fun game of looking when I thought of an interesting song that I could place in time. We laid in bed at 130 and I whispered one more to see if she was still awake. "What is it?" She whispered back. "Off He Goes". We turned the lamp on, and scrolled the lyrics and I explained what it meant out loud, unsure of what might be coming next. Just like all the others. Next thing I know, I was standing in the bed exclaiming "this is what they write books about!" Almost psychedelic. I could finally see. What I was so desperately seeking was finally found. "Ive always been this way. And now I have the proof I need." A song about BPD from high school. I finally connected the code. Now I just needed a name for it. I went to bed tonight thinking about Hemingway, and what that would answer for me. My old spirit animal was waiting for me when id wake up in the morning to give me the final answer and Id never have to wonder again. Today was the last day Id ever have to feel the way Ive felt my entire conscious life. I was awake though I wasnt even sure yet what it meant.

Song: Bob Schneider & Mitch Watkins - Losing You. Trevor Hall - Losing You

Quote: "To be understood is to prostitute oneself. I prefer to be taken seriously for what I write, not what I am. ~Fernando Pessoa

Off He Goes:

Know a man His face seems pulled and tense Like he's riding on a motorbike In the strongest winds So I approach with tact Suggest the he should relax But he's always moving much too fast

Said he'll see me on the flip side On this trip he's taken for a ride He's been taking too much on There he goes with his perfectly unkept clothes There he goes

He's yet to come back But I've seen his picture It doesn't look the same up on the rack We go way back

I wonder 'bout his insides It's like his thoughts are too big for his size He's been taken, where? I don't know Off he goes, with his perfectly unkept hope There he goes

And now I rub my eyes For he has returned Seems my preconceptions are What should have been burned For he still smiles And he's still strong

Nothing's changed But the surrounding bullshit That has grown And now he's home and we're laughing Like we always did My same old, same old friend

Until a quarter to ten I saw the strain creep in He seems distracted And I know just what is gonna happen next Before his first step He is off again

[myristicisms]

Song Challenge

share at least 5 songs that you associate with or remind you of your muse.

I.

On the Bound; Fiona Apple

Post RE 1, RE 3

A big part of Jill’s storyline throughout the series ( and particularly re1/3 ) tends to have an underlying theme of choices and self determination to some degree, relying on oneself to maintain self security while also still recognizing that she cannot take down Umbrella on her own: Between her desperate attempts to find Chris in re1 due to camaraderie with him to worrying and fretting over a wounded Carlos in re3 after he’d administered the cure to her, a common grounds being that while she is aware she can do things on her own, it’s far better and beneficial to have assistance from those she’s come to trust and care for despite feeling as though her presence alone brings nothing but death and grief.

All my life is on me now / Hail the pages turning / And the future's on the bound / Hell don't know my fury / You're all I need / And maybe some faith would do me good

I don't know what I'm doing / Don't know, should I change my mind? / I can't decide, there's too many variations to consider / No thing I do don't do no thing but bring me more to do / It's true, I do imbue my blue unto myself, I make it bitter

II.

Tongues and Teeth; The Crane Wives

Post RE 1 through the rest of the timeline

Jill is commonly described as a cool headed woman throughout the series both in games and also in the novels, however as the storyline progresses, that cool headed behavior slowly eases into aloofness, she still has a sense of humor but sometimes can be rather cruel in her remarks towards people she isn’t fully familiar with, as seen in her interactions with Carlos both in the novel and the remake of RE 3, meeting him with vulgarities at his playful flirting and being outright hostile towards him, reasonably so. On top of that as far as romances go, whether she reciprocates the feelings of another or not, due to her career and everything she’s been through, Jill is less than inclined to allow herself the privilege of a relationship that goes past strictly platonic.

I've grown a mouth so sharp and cruel / It's all that I can give to you, my dear / And when you come in quick to steal a kiss / My teeth will only cut your lips, my dear / And I know that you mean so well / But I am not a vessel for your good intent

Abandon all your stupid dreams / About the girl I could have been, my dear / 'Cause in the night I know you burn with feelings I cannot return, my dear / Oh, my dear / You gotta know that this won't last / Desperation will erase the fact / I'm keeping all of the answers in my cigarette box

III.

Numb; Portishead

Post RE5 / Revelations 2

During the events between the Lost in Nightmare DLC for RE5 and RE5 itself, we know that Wesker’s influence and experimentations had led into the brainwashing of Jill Valentine to turn her into a weapon to use against the people of Kijuju and the B.S.A.A itself without her consent and can be seen that despite not being able to control her own body, she was fully aware of everything she’d been forced to do. A big part of who Jill Valentine was had been ripped away from her during her time in Wesker’s captivity and likely due to all of the lives she had taken while under his control, Jill likely experiences severe grief and guilt alongside blaming herself much the same as she had for the deaths of many others between the events of the Arklay Mountains in ‘98 up to her rescue and can even be seen referencing returning yet still having a part of her identity and agency removed.

I'm ever so lost / I can't find my way / Been searchin', but I have never seen / A turnin', a turnin' from deceit / 'Cause a child, roses light / Tried to reveal what I could feel / I can't understand myself anymore / 'Cause, I'm still feelin' lonely / Feelin' so unholy / I'm foolin' somebody / A faithless path I roam / Deceiving, to breathe this secretly / The silence, the silence, I can't bear / 'Cause a child roses light / Tries to reveal what I could feel / And this loneliness / It just won't leave me alone / Oh, no / And this loneliness / It just won't leave me alone / A lady of war

IV.

Fast As You Can; Fiona Apple

RE 3 onwards

Post Arklay Incident, Jill is consistently in fight in or flight mode, she knows too much and is well aware of the large target that that puts on her head, especially once Chief Irons puts her on a suspension, we can see in RE 3 Remake that Jill is supposed to be heavily medicated likely in part to a mixture of false diagnoses brought on by trying to blow the whistle on Umbrella alongside newly developed symptoms of PTSD and potential depression also brought on by the Arklay Incident given all she’d experienced. On top of that, Jill also masks herself as stern and cold as a means of self defense as can be seen in her interactions with Carlos and even Mikhail to a degree, her inner dialogue also reflects this in the novels as she tries to cope with the loss of many friends and companions as well as severe nightmares brought on from the previous incident as well as amplifying a potential and underlying desire to have been killed alongside those in the mansion, she also expresses in her own internal dialogue that she feels as though she should have died instead of being cured after Carlos administers the vaccine for the virus.

I let the beast in too soon / I don't know how to live without my hand on his throat / I fight him always and still / Oh darling, it's so sweet / You think you know how crazy / How crazy I am / You say you don't spook easy / You won't go / But I know / And I pray that you will

I may be soft in your palm / But I'll soon grow hungry for a fight / And I will not let you win / My pretty mouth will frame the phrases / That will disprove your faith in man / So if you catch me trying to find my way into your heart / From under your skin / Sometimes my mind don't shake and shift / But most of the time, it does / And I get to the place where I'm begging for a lift / Or I'll drown in the wonders and the was

V.

Back to The Old House; The Smiths

Post RE3 onwards / Semi-Shippy

Jill has many regrets in her life one of which being that she’s not remained in full contact with Carlos, in spite of only really knowing the man for a total of three days, there is a mutual respect and even fondness the two had managed to build up together during their time together in Raccoon, and as survivors of the incident, Carlos has the ability to understand Jill in a way that a lot of those she knows cannot. He was the one who saved her life in every telling of RE 3 and was the one who sat her side while taking care of her throughout her fight with the mentioned infection therefore it’s only natural for a lingering fondness to settle in the back of her mind, often she thinks about seeing if she can reunite with the mercenary but typically decides against it, not wanting to possibly disrupt his peace and be unwelcome.

I would rather not go / Back to the old house / There's too many bad memories / Too many memories there / When you cycled by / Here began all my dreams / The saddest thing I've ever seen / And you never knew / How much I really liked you / Because I never even told you / Oh, and I meant to / Are you still there or have you moved away? / I would love to go / Back to the old house / But I never will / I never will

Tagged by;; @valour-bound ( thank u pookie )

[t-ierrahumeda]

the power's been out for a while. neighbors said they tried to put the light on and things burned out. I'm being careful so I don't try - I'm afraid my computer will burn too, and even if I have the money to replace it, I want to keep it safe, because I built it with my own hands, and parts are expensive - I'd rather use my money for other things.

My cellphone is at 37%, but I still choose to listen to music. The beer is cold, because I put it with ice in a bowl. it's almost completely dark outside, but the lights from other blocks still illuminate the sky for a bit. On my balcony, I can barely see my hands before me. The sound of a thunder is near. Maybe it will rain.

I was supposed to do a few things today, and I managed most of them. It still feels like a failure. It never feels like I used my day as I should. I feel like I can do nothing right these days, as Beach Fossils sing in their kinda sad songs. I don't wanna lie in bed yet.

The day before yesterday I felt I should kill myself. I took a bit more of what I was supposed to take of my sleeping pills early, to ease myself into sleep and let another day come by, hoping the next day it would be better. It was, in a way. I still felt nauseous, and I yet have to find out what's causing it. I've been eating well, drinking a lot of water. Not too much coffee. It still comes back, like a hangover that shouldn't be there.

I repeat to myself the mantra: if it's scary, do it scared. I couldn't work out today, for a reason or another. It's fine. I can do it tomorrow, if my nerves allow me to. I chant to myself: "it's pointless, it's pointless", but a voice, a very small voice tells me "it will help you sleep, and it's good for your body and your mind. I told my mom I'd go on a walk today, but I couldn't go through. My neighborhood is not nice, it's not pretty, so there's no motivation. I know I should get outside more, but it scares me.

Mom goes to work, and the night is mine. Most of the times, I just go to sleep without eating dinner. Maybe a cherry tomato, to ward off the hunger. I know it makes no sense, the beer will spoil it anyways.

My eldest cat is with me on the balcony. He might be looking at me, or looking out - I have no way of knowing, it's all so dark, and I don't dare to light my flashlight to him, it would be rude. So it's still a mystery.

Power should come at around 22.00 pm, but I'm still worried about my PC. I do wish it would come, because it's really hard to sleep without my fan on: the sound soothes me.

It's not summer yet, but it will be soon. This week I started working again at my company, and my boss told me to keep it easy the first day, but tomorrow I'm expected to go at the same pace as my coworkers. When I told him that by my psychiatrist orders I should work from home for the time being, he wasn't pleased. I know I shouldn't care, since I'm quitting this company in two months, but the sensitive part of me cares. I hate being singled out and disliked by others - I don't want to be loved either, just go by unnoticed. That suits me better.

I don't have a set plan for after I quit. It might be my downfall, with my self esteem issues. it will be hard to find a job because I don't trust myself.

Everyone around me tries to encourage me, but I feel like the look and behaviour of this coworker is spot on: you're useless, you're a nuisance, you should stop bothering me. And deep inside I feel she's right. And I'm so scared everyone will know, eventually. That the mask will come out and they'll see me for what I am.

I'm good at some things, but they're useless in the real world. I don't have luck with them in the internet world either - they go unnoticed, the only thing I wish was noticed.

The light is out still. 33% for now.

Mom is not here, but I doubt she'd be of much help. She sees me down, and she wishes to help me, but nobody but myself can. I can see her growing weary, taking care of her adult daughter, when she should be on her own, with a girlfriend, independent, stable. I know I tire her. There's so much she can offer me.

I tried dating, but I can't connect with anybody. I'm afraid I'll reveal something about me, and that they'll accept me anyways, but I wouldn't be able to go through it. It has happened before. I keep creating goals for me, so that when I reach them I'll be able to love someone back, but I keep failing them, either sabotaging myself, or simply not feeling anything. Sex means nothing to me. I've grown accustomed to being by myself and satisfying myself. I don't truly believe anyone would truly love someone as wretched, as cold, as unattached as me. And I don't mind it.

My friend falls in love so easily. I envy her. I envy many of my friends, and sometimes I refuse to see them because I don't want them to see what a wretched thing I've become. they still love me for some reason I still yet have to understand. Maybe they're blind. Maybe they hold to some hope I don't understand.

I'm going on a trip next month. It's a beautiful place, I've been there before. I'm a bit afraid I won't have a good time, even though forests calm me and frighten me at the same time. I went on a trip with these friends and I couldn't enjoy a little bit of it. I tried my best, but I couldn't. I cried a lot. when I came back, I had to take two days off from work. The last day, I committed myself to a mental health hospital because my desire of killing myself was too high.

after I went to the outside world, I kept crying. sometimes I cry too, these days. A little, or a lot.

I really hope things get better. I've never been on a depressive episode like this. They usually end after a month. This has been going on for many months. Most of the times I don't know what to do with myself. I try to keep to a routine, but the hours pass so slow....and the next day doesn't promise anything good; it's kinda like a lottery.

I don't want to keep living like this for the rest of my life. Nothing I try seems to work. Every day feels like forever, and the best time of the day is when I finally go to sleep. I don't like this one bit. but they keep telling me it's a process, I've gotta toughen up and endure it, it will be okay. But will it? It feels neverending. I have no motivation to draw, to embroider, to work out, to cook, to keep my body healthy. It means nothing. I do my best to endure it, but how long will my resolve stand up? I'm tired. It feels everyday that I shouldn't have been born, that it was all a mistake. I feel so lonely. A fuck won't fix me, a few likes on a piece I worked hard on means nothing.

I keep dreaming I will be saved. That I will go back to my times in highschool, where everything was painful but it still had a glimmer of hope. I drink my 4th beer and nothing feels better. It only serves as a reminder I can't exist in a world like a normal person. Like my friends are. They have it figured out, then why do I not? I'm old enough. I should. It hurts. And yet another day comes. I wish I could stay sleeping for the rest of my life. I'm too much of a coward to kill myself, I keep thinking about my family. About my cats. About some glimmer of hope that eventually will come.

I'm tired. So really tired.

[storytimewithnova]

YOU THINK I AM SPECIAL (I'M NOT)

Heads up this is going to be angsty shoyo is Oikawa's little brother he is Dating Goshiki they are in the same school same year and shoyo is dating Oikawa is dating Semi kunimi and suna are dating two sleepy joes together Song used and always its a pain in the backside findiing female versions

In Volley hoes group chat

Shoyo:🎶I'm not special Who the hell am I to think I'm special?🎶

Kenma:Shoyo are you okay?

Shoyo:🎶I'm not so well Thanks for asking But you probably figured what else is new🎶

Goshiki:Sunshine what are you talking about where is this coming from?

Oikawa:Little bro

Shoyo:🎶I try my best still But if I die, wind up in some mess You'll keep my head filled With the notion that I don't deserve this life that I've built🎶

Kunimi:Who hurt our baby sunshine speak now or die🔪

Suna: his is not joke she is standing her with a knife

Shoyo:🎶I'm not special, special Don't know why I thought I could be someone I'm no one To anyone who knows me I'm a burden, I'm certain The only thing I'm good for is hurtin' the ones I love🎶

Kageyama:….

Kageyama's thoughts(💭 I didn’t mean to tell him that what have i done to him has he held on to this for nearly 2 years)

Shoyo:🎶I wanna be special But I don't know if it's worth all of this stress You don't know my struggle 'Cause I don't tell it If I did, I really don't think you'd be bothered to hear it anyway If I sang a song Would you listen? Or would you tell me that I'm terrible?🎶

Kageyama:….

Kei:Kags do you know something about this

Kenma:Yeah i know you and shoyo have history

Shoyo:🎶If I played along To ease the friction Would you still tell me that I'm terrible?🎶

Tendou:What have you done to my cousin you asshole

Kageyama:….

Shoyo:🎶Oh, I'm not special, special Don't know why I thought I could be someone I'm no one To anyone who knows me🎶

Goshiki:Shoyo that is not true you are loved and you are special to me Oikawa San and to everyone you have met you have touched their life you make a big impact on peoples lives more than you realize

Shoyo:🎶I'm a burden, I'm certain The only thing I'm good for is hurtin' the ones I love But the ones I love They really love me The ones I love They truly know me You drag my name @kags It's kinda funny 'Cause my name Makes you lots of money🎶

Kuroo:What?!

Oikawa:You are using my brother for money

Kageyama:I was at the time its been nearly 2 years i though he had let it go and we started befriends

Semi:2 years you mean you did all this while you started second year is that why he transferred to Shiratorizawa in the end

Kageyama:Yeah basically but honestly i thought he was over it

Shoyo:🎶I guess I'm special, special Who the hell are you to say I'm not special? Oh well Got everybody talking in this hell hole I'm the devil Dante wrote me into his inferno Here we go🎶

Yachi:You knew he was senstive you knew you say one thing to hurt him he will burden it like this you fucked up

Shoyo:🎶Again is this what you came for? You paid for? To watch somebody burn and crumble and stumble Then fumble all my words and let you twist them and listen To all the ugly things you tell me I am I'm tryin' So hard to understand how I'm the master manipulator Who couldn't fool anyone The monster reciprocator Shot no bullets from my gun The drama queen who never seems to get applause from anyone I won't be who you say I am🎶

Kiyoko:Wait when he said he was sick he could of meant it mentally as well as literally

Atsumu:Do you want me to check on him i am close by

Osamu: why are you there

Atsumu: to visit Kawa why else you Div now shut Ya trap this is about Sho kun 😤

Semi:Please Atsumu I would check on him myself for Tooru but i can’t get out of study hall yet wven after the bell jist rang btw my ass of a teacher just said the bell doesn't dismiss you I do like do my bfs brother is in trouble cut me some slack

Atsumu: I got you cover Semi San

Shoyo:🎶If I sang a song Would you listen? Or would you tell me I'm terrible? I won't play along This game is twisted But I think that would make me terrible That would make me-🎶

Shoyo went offline

Atsumu enter shoyo and Tooru's House he looked everywhere the last place was his bedroom when he enter and he saw shoyo Surrounded by pills on the floor looking like he wasn’t breathing he called an anblance then got back on the group chat to Goshiki Oikawa Semi and everyone else

Atsumu:Kawa semi Goshiki you might want to come here its not good

Oikawa:What do you mean Tsumu

Kageyama:?!

Semi:Zip it you

Goshiki:Atsumu san!!

Atsumu:H-h-he’s not breathing

Kenma:Funny joke now say sike

Atsumu: ......

Kenma:Atsumu say sike

Atsumu:Sorry kenma

Kageyama:!!!

Noya:If anything happens to him this is your fault

Kageyama:I know

Semii:Me and Tendou are on our way i am currently driving Goshiki is crying in the back of my car

Bokuto:I'm on my way love can you drive me and Keiji and Kenma

Kuroo: of course i can drive you guys

Kei:Kags what have you done

Kageyama:Something stupid clearly and the gulit has been eating me but i didn’t thing what it was doing to him

Osamu:Kawa how is he please

Oikawa:Holding The exact words were he is in a stable but critical condition The amount he took was lethal But not lethal enough to instantly kill

Iwaizumi:That’s good isn’t it

Oikawa:Oh from what I can understand yes but also no like I said the amount he took was lethal not lethal enough to kill but lethal enough to comatose him To the point where they don’t know if you could wake up

Yachi:Oh god

Oikawa:Goshiki has pacing back and forth he is so on edge understandablely Eita ans Satori is some how clam or they are plotting a murder and don't get me started on Kenma kunimi and shirabu they keep Repeating they are going to make a bitch pay

Bokuakakuro:they are not alone

Suga:Okay Shall we go offline Clam down and wait for an update

Everyone:Yeah honestly We need to calm down

Everyone has gone offline

[thedysphoriadiaries]

Entry 40 - Time - 3 March 2023, 11:24pm

I boot up a Walkman, and play a few songs through it.

It belonged (and still belongs) to my dad, though he doesn't use it anymore.

It plays music through a pair of earpieces, made eleven years after it was.

It still thinks that we're in 2007.

I was four, then. Three years away from going to school. Three years from feeling those unexplainable feelings. Feelings that still plague me to this day.

Sixteen years have passed, and yet the clock points to 2007. I flip over to the date and time set page. It begins at 2007, and ends at 2037.

31 December 2037, 11:59pm, to be exact.

There will come a time when I'll no longer live in a year that this device recognizes, if I make it till then.

I don't know how to feel about it. Some of the more... practical people (such as my ex-partner), would probably tell me, in a brusque manner, albeit saccharinely so, as if to sugarcoat their words (to avoid bruising my weak heart), that the time was off, or that I was overthinking things, or wishing for a time that has long since passed.

Maybe I am doing that. I find myself sitting by the little things. Trinkets, if you will, of my journey on this mortal coil. I wonder what could have been.

I always was a sentimental person.

I still am one.

But I am, because I remember. I must not forget. What value will memories have once they evaporate into the ether?

...

Dad owned a pair of speakers. They crumbled after an accident that involved his fish tank happened - water spilled onto the floor, and got into the speakers, causing them to crumble (they were made of woodchip). They're gone now.

He used to keep fish (guppies, apparently), in a fish tank which used to be where my piano (a Yamaha U1) is. I'd always go up to the fish tank and tap on the glass, and gawk at the fishes swimming about in there.

The sound of the rushing water accompanied me then.

Now, it's deathly quiet, save for the sounds of raised voices, birds, and lost time.

Dad always was an amazing cook, though I never told him.

When his hair was still black, he'd cook for us occasionally, and I remember how he'd cook steak for us, in this solid, cast-iron pan that I still find unbearably heavy. How he manipulated that pan with ease is beyond me.

He doesn't use that pan anymore. His hairs have grown white.

I sit here, typing.

Twenty years on, and still around.

I remember how I wanted to be a scientist. Or a computer programmer, as a kid.

Oh, the irony. Oh... the irony.

It must have been tough, navigating school, life, and those unexplained feelings that came up, all the while being a good sibling to my 'younger' twin brother (I see him as someone to guide, even though I could have been the younger one; I only came out first because my water broke, and my cord was wrapped around my neck, or something. I don't know; parents didn't say much other than that my water broke first).

What I'd give to have those years back again - to go back to a simpler time, when I'd not have to worry about relationships, or dysphoria (if you can even call it that). But no.

Time marches forward, no matter what we do.

I wonder what, or who I'll be in five years.

Will I be a guy? A girl? A person?

Where will I be?

Will I even be around?

I hope future me is looking at this point, recalling it from her memory.

I hope she finds happiness, finally doing the things that she always wanted to, but was never able to due to how she was born.

Yet, I wonder if it will come to pass; what I said about my desire to be a computer scientist never did. What's to say that this will?

What's to say I will be happy?

It's another long day.

It'll be another long one tomorrow.

But I will survive.