#i don't wish anyone would disappear i just always isolate myself

[m-a-r-i--c-h-a-t]

but who told them all my distorted thoughts lmao

[joandraws]

Connie Converse

Maybe you've heard of her, maybe you haven't. I'm writing this for those who haven't.

Connie may well be the first American singer-songwriter, though her name remains relatively obscure. I only stumbled upon her music recently and was instantly captivated by it. My fascination with her artistry drove me to delve deeper into her life and the mystery surrounding her disappearance. This exploration took an emotional toll, as I found myself relating to her on a profound level. Her lyrics already resonated with me, but as I delved into her story and read parts of her final letter titled "To Anyone Who Ever Asks," the line, "Let me go, let me be if I can, let me not be if I can't," moved me to tears. I suddenly felt like her disappearance was such a significant loss to the world.

Then a strange thing happened as I was painting this portrait of her. I glanced at my worn-out, old Intuos4 graphic tablet (yes, it still works), its stickers peeling off, and I couldn't help but cry. In a hypothetical scenario (if I also disappeared) where someone as sensitive as me discovered my possessions, viewed my art, and learned about my life, they might feel the same way about me. In that moment, I gained a newfound appreciation for my art, for what I do, and for who I am.

Being proud of my art has always been a challenge for me. Typically, I create and release my work into the world, allowing it to find its own audience. And I have to admit that a lot of the time I even dislike my art. But lately, I've been working on having the same level of appreciation for my own work as I do for others. I'm sharing this because I know there are many artists, like me, who are excessively self-critical. Yes, I struggle with perfectionism, but even more than that, I used to be so self-critical to the extent that I would stop myself from creating at all.

This year, however, through my personal sketchbook project, I've made a conscious effort to change that. I've been focusing more on savoring the process of simply putting pen to paper.

But enough about me for now; let's shift our attention back to Connie Converse, and I'll just leave this sentence that her brother Philip Converse wrote about her:

"Sis was a genius and a polymath. I do not use the terms lightly. Connie was a poet, a writer of scholarly articles, a cartoonist, a painter, a would-be novelist by her own description, an activist, sculptor, and among other things a songwriter."

She wrote most of her songs between 1950 and 1955 when she was in her late 20s, living in New York City. While they do evoke that period, they are also timeless.

There's another intriguing aspect about her, at least from my perspective. Based on my reading and the accounts of those who knew her, it's my personal belief that she may have been on the asexual spectrum. I don't mean to speculate or offend her family, but this is just my personal opinion. Her music often delved into themes of loneliness and isolation, but it also celebrated her independence and contentment with being on her own. It's evident that she grappled with depression and often felt unheard. If she indeed fell within the asexual spectrum, it's highly plausible that she also carried feelings of being different or "broken," a common experience for asexual individuals, including myself.

There has also been speculation that she might have been a lesbian, though it remains just speculation. Ultimately, we'll never truly know, and her personal life remains her own business. I believe there might be a connection between these aspects. She was undeniably brilliant, and while it might be wishful thinking on my part, the fact that she was never found and her family respected her wishes allows me to imagine that she might still be out there somewhere. I hope she senses how much people cherish her music now and realizes how deeply appreciated she is.

Thank you for reading if you did! If you want to know more about Connie Converse you can listen to Spinning On Air's beautiful podcast episodes about her here, here and here.

[cetrouz]

Okay, I remember that I didn't share the little thing I wrote of Jun's letter to Grey, two years after his departure. Because there are some new PTSD fans, it would be fun to share it.

Jun's Letter to Grey

Hello Grey. How are you doing from up above?

It's been two years now, I know. A long time, but I can't help but remember you sometimes. It's like I can still feel your presence some days, like you're watching over me. Whether you are or not, I wanted to let you know how things have been going here.

I've been taking good care of Red. He is still as daring and gentle as ever despite his age. He is good company, not just for me, but anyone. He also misses you dearly, he gives me company whenever I come to visit you. I've also been visiting your old place to check on your animals… although most of them left after your disappearance. Anyways, I did my best to take care of them for you. I thought you would enjoy knowing that.

Oh, I've improved and now I'm working as a medic, traveling around the city and treating other vets and others in need… I should have realized sooner that fighting and isolating myself for survival wouldn't bring me anywhere. But I found my humanity by treating and taking care of people. They were the ones who brought me hope. And I wanted to redeem myself by offering them the help that the drug dealers weren't offering before. Things aren't perfect, of course, but… it's largely an improvement. I feel much better than before, and without Sam's help, another kind veteran that helped me get out of the hole I was digging, it would probably be more difficult. I opened a clinic, right by Leona's shop, where I settled in.

Oh, and Leona… I wish you had met her… She was the kindest soul that still held onto me even when I was at my lowest. She was eager to help me and anyone she found that were struggling. I tell her about you, and she wishes she had met you as well. She would have tried to help you if she knew you before. Without her kindness and help, I wouldn't be the same as I am now. I owe her a lot… Really, I… I wish you could have met her. Sometimes I wish I could take you to her restaurant so you can have a taste of her unique cuisine… Her stews are the best.

Everyday… I feel more satisfied with this life. But as always, the memories of the war still haunt me. The nightmares are constant, and I'm reminded of the scar that marks it all. But… I'm not alone. I guess all of us veterans are left with this haunting scar of our past. I… still have a lot to do, to redeem my own person. I don't think I can grow out of this scar, it's just part of me. But, it's growing on me the fact I'm not alone in this. That's why I want to retribute the kindness others gave me, and to give them hope. It's the only way we can grow out of this constant pain we live in… Even if the government gave up on us, there's others willing to take us in and help us. And I wanna be there and do the same too. It's only fair… to let them know we are stronger as a community.

I still wish to live long years achieving to do what I'm doing. It's saddening that not many live long enough to meet the kindness of strangers and fellow vets willing to help each other… I wish you were here to see it. I miss you alot, Grey. The world wasn't fair to us, but you kicked the bucket too early. I also wanted to show you the hope I saw, and that was given to me. We could have gone back and lived normal lives to the most possible extent. You would be happy like this. Sometimes I feel lost and I think about you… A fellow vet who understands the pain of war. We could have held up each other together and followed on with a more satisfying life. But… I understand now you're finally at rest, away from all the pain, all of the scars. I guess you deserved a rest after all of this. I still have things to do while I'm still standing.

Anyways, the future seems brighter and more lively than before. I thought you'd be happy to know that. I've figured out what I want to do and what I need. And now… I'll help others to figure it out too. Like you, Red, Sam, and Leona helped me. And many others too. I'm doing what I can. I've been out of meds for two years, and there's no more bloodshed and fear on my path anymore. A strength I did not harvest alone. So, thank you Grey, thank you so much for everything.

We will meet again some day.

[attheriskofbeingme]

Clouds and Stars

I’m sorry for being difficult. Sorry that I did that to you, but I want you to understand how hard it was for me. I thought about it almost every day. I’m always planning or thinking about what to do. I really did try my best to survive. I just don’t know where it all went wrong. There were days I barely did anything because I didn’t want to live that day. I sometimes wish I would just stop waking up. I knew my dreams weren't real because I was happy. I’m bad at the things I do, I neglect myself, and I’m forgetful, I know these things because people always tell me that, and I know. I know I’m selfish for what I did. But I thought about it and I think it would be better if I was just gone, you wouldn’t be angry at me anymore and I wouldn't feel so useless. Where do I even start? What can I tell you about me? I grew up pretty lonely and I never realized it until I lost someone important to me then the people in my life started to disappear. For a long time I resented myself for not taking care of Francine, but what could I have done? I wanted to die instead of her. Both my siblings moved out and I felt reality hit me, what was going to happen to me? Where do I fit in their lives? I can’t keep waiting for things to change. I did that for 18 years. I felt really lonely all the time, I met my best friend but he left too at the same time the rest of my family moved away. I felt isolated, but that was partially my fault for not reaching out. But I actually did sometimes, even before they left. though they didn't believe me. They say it's all in my head and I think that's the problem lol. I didn't have people who were emotionally available around me so I barely told anyone because I felt like it was unimportant and I was overacting. Like I'm seeking attention for telling them about what I feel. But those are things that I let happen, I sabotaged myself, and I have no sense of self-preservation. I guess what I’m trying to say is don't blame yourself for what happened, I chose to do this by myself. Hate me, resent me, miss me but please don't cry over me, I already did that lmao. I’m sorry if I come off as weak for this. I don't think I’ve ever been brave enough to stand up to myself. I give in to my impulses pretty easily without thinking, I hurt myself sometimes and it's hard not to, I deserve it for being a bad person. There's one thing I want to ask for if it's not too much, all my things, can you give them to Bean? Maybe she’ll grow up to like the things I liked and my stuff could actually be of use. It’s going to sound weird but I want to thank Seventeen for helping me live a little longer than I anticipated. I never thought I’d get past 17 and for a year I didn’t hurt myself because I felt purpose from them. A lot of times it made me feel pathetic that my happiness relied on people who didn't even know I existed but I always felt happy when they encouraged me to keep going. It feels like I've failed them too in a way because I quit this early. This letter is all over the place lol. I’m sorry about that too. Time will pass and you’ll eventually get to live without me. If when you remember me, listen to your happy song or mine (it's Kidult by Seventeen “Tomorrow, I'll live like a child; Who has grown up a lot” :3) because I’d rather not have you cry. Please be happier than I ever was, smile more than I did, and laugh more. If when you miss me, watch the clouds! I always took pictures because they looked so free. Now that I’m up there I’ll wave down at you every day and I’ll cheer you on. Hopefully, I’m up there lol. I was never religious so I doubt I’ll be in heaven, but I hope I’m in the sky, flying around with no worries. If you’re ever sad, tell me and I’ll listen to all your worries, give them to me instead. I love you and I miss you, please be happy for me :)

[vodka-glrl]

Sean's story voice-lines ᰔ

@nogenderbee

Hello:

So you're the oh-so mighty traveler everyone keeps talking about... No I'm not judging you or anything! Just thought you would look different... If you get what I mean. Anyways I'm Sean it's... Nice to meet you I guess.

Morning:

Oh good morning. I wasn't expecting to see you up in the mountains so early in the morning...

Afternoon:

Hey traveler! I'm going to Seirai Island to get some Naku Weed care to join me?

Evening:

Oh, it's you again... No no! It's not that I don't want to see you specifically I just like being alone but that can't be helped I guess... Well since you came all the way here why not have dinner with me?

Night:

It's night already... You should leave before it gets even darker... It was fun spending time with you... I guess

When it rains:

Shit it's raining! Now I can't even use my vision. Huh, why? Because all it's going to do now is electrocute me...

When the sun is out:

Ahh that's much better. Come on let's get going before it starts to rain again!

About Sean (family):

"What happened to my family"? I lost my mom due to an illness and my dad... I'd rather not talk about it.

About Sean (Isolation):

I... Don't like people... I don't like crowds... I don't like socializing...

About us (Acquaintances):

Huh? You want to know how I view you?... You're a great friend I guess.

About us (Traveling partners):

*friendship level 6*

I see you as a great friend and a traveling partner no-nothing else! Don't get the wrong idea.

About Visions:

*friendship level 4*

My vision isn't something I'm proud of... But it's something I should hold close to myself.

About Raiden Shogun:

*friendship level 6*

Her ways of doing stuff is rather... Interesting. As someone who also wishes I could be with my loved ones for all eternity her excellency show her desire of eternity in a rather inhumane way so to say.

About Shumatsuban Sayu:

*friendship level 6*

She is an... interesting child. She claims she is a ninja but slacks off quite often. I once found her sleeping around the shrine, I tried to wake her up but she didn't even move an inch... Weird...

About Thoma

*friendship level 6*

Oh... The butler of the Kamisato estate? I don't really know much about him other than he is much more friendly than I like... It really bothers me how kind he is...

About Sangonomia Kokomi:

*friendship level 6*

I've known lady kokomi for a long time... We weren't acquainted or anything we just grew up in similar environments... Maybe if I didn't make some drastic choices I would have gotten to know her more.

About Yae Miko

*friendship level 6*

Ugh! Why bring her up all of a sudden? If I told you Thoma was bad she is ten times worse. She is such a nuance... Can we...not talk about her?

About Shikanoin Heizou

*friendship level 6*

That scoundrel of a detective is so persistent of me opening up to him... Ughh! As if me disappearing before his very eyes isn't a way of saying I'm not interested.

About Naganohara Yoimiya:

*friendship level 6*

Oh the firework girl right, I've seen her a few time... She is nice. She invites me to go watch the fireworks. She's always cheery and energetic... Cute...

About Arataki Itto:

*friendship level 6*

There are only two things that irratate me in life: one crowds, two Itto how could anyone be so stupid and loud a t the same time... Beats me...

About Derreth (@nogenderbee 's Oc):

*friendship level 6*

If I remember correctly she was Heizou's partner was she not? She isn't as annoying as him. Strange enough I can consider her a friend as well.

About Gorou:

*friendship level 6*

Gorou is like a younger brother to me... We obviously have our differences but we manage to put them all aside.

Favorite food:

I'll eat anything. I was never a picky eater, still am not I mean not like I have a choice not to eat what I can find up here In the mountains.

Least favorite food:

Remember what I said about not being a picky eater... Just throw that out the window when it comes to mushrooms. I would rather die than put a single bite of mushrooms in my mouth

Receiving gifts 1:

Oh my... This is better than anything I've ever tasted! You're a really great cook.

Receiving gifts 2:

It's okay... I guess

Receiving gifts 3:

Ughh, thanks I'm not hungry!

[iamthecomet]

vent

Mommet i don't feel well, i can't message anybody and i feel really awful, i can't even bring myself to pretend like everything is fine, i just can't show anyone I'm so scared of not being okay and it hurts so much

I couldn't cry before but i don't even know why I'm crying anymore and I don't know who to tell because i can't talk to anyone, I'm always the emotional support friend and it makes me feel like shit when i rant to people about how i feel i end up deleting my messages and i can't even handle praise anymore because it just makes it worse

It's kinda hard being told you're useless and starting to believe it even though I know I'm not, because then when people tell me that in good I start thinking "no I'm not, I'm the opposite, I'm terrible i know I'm not good" it just hurts

I'm so scared of everything and I feel so alone and i have no idea what to do, and I'm trying to eat and sleep because it's the only thing i can do still but even I'm failing at that, I'm scared to sleep, i can barely bring myself to eat properly, most of all my brain is in the clouds and that makes everything worse because ill literally forget and i can't even tell anyone because i just feel like a nuisance

Everyone tells me I'm not, but i still feel like shit

I wish i could just disappear but i can't even do that, I'm just stuck here suffering because I can't go anywhere, i keep telling everyone I'll be alright because I always am, because I've always had to be, because I've never had another option, I don't want a reply that tells me everyone is here for me, or to please take care, to try, because I'm fucking trying, every ounce of energy I have goes into just trying to fucking breathe without breaking down and i can't even ask for real help because they don't believe that i wish i could stop existing. They just tell me I'm lazy.

I can't even stop anyway, I'm just stuck here.

I'm sorry for ranting I just need some place to leave this but i can't even sign off with my anon

Thank you for listening mommet

Hi love. Thank you for feeling comfortable enough with me to share this with me--even if you couldn't leave your tag. I would have loved to respond to this privately--and not air your distress all over my page, but I can't do that. And I also can't just let it go without a response. You deserve one. I won't tell you it will be ok, or to keep trying, or I'm here for you (though, I am). I'm just going to tell you it's ok to feel this way. And I'm so proud of you for continuing to try, for fighting so fucking hard. You are so strong for that. So strong.

I know what it's like to have your brain tell you everyone is lying to. To tell you that you are not deserving of praise, or love. I am sorry that you are going through it. I won't do the thing where I try to beat into your head that it isn't true--I know that doesn't really work. But I will tell you, that our brains lie to us all the time. Not everything we tell ourselves is the truth. And that's ok. It's important to understand it's a lie--even if you still can't help but believe it. It's a step in the right direction.

I do think that you should make an attempt to talk to someone in a professional setting if you can. I think they would believe you--they should. And they will do their best to help. They might not be able to fix it, but they may be able to ease the burden--or give you tools to lessen the pain. You do not have to feel like this forever. I am so sorry that you are struggling so much. I'm sorry that you feel isolated, and alone. I am sending you love, and good thoughts, and support, even if it's from afar. You can always vent to me. I am here for you in whatever capacity you need.

[exiledcosmonaut]

i feel so clunky.

nothing ever fits me--not really.

i can't figure out the right way to socialize. am i sitting too close? am i staring too long? did i laugh too much, too little? am i speaking clearly? can this person feel my loneliness? do they see me? can they see me?

the job i have is the first job i've ever had with real stakes--something i could lose by being inadequate. whether i be not professional enough, not a good fit for the people i serve, or i just. don't fit in. i don't really have coworkers that i see. it's just me and the help of my supervisor. but i'm on my own. and i try to be good at this job, but there's just something about it that makes me feel like i'm not liked, not wanted. like i'm not a good contribution to the company. i'm not an asset. i'm not someone my supervisor thinks is capable. i think i come off too neurotic and nervous--overly communicative, with too many questions, and i hate that about me.

i feel so isolated because of the way i interpret and interact with the world. there's something about me that just doesn't click with everyone else. even my own friends, even my partner, even my own family--there's something about me that just can't be known or reached. i never fully express myself with anyone. in any setting.

i think there's only been one person that i truly felt like was a reflection of me, someone that saw into me and felt connected to. his name was Anthony. he was the "boyfriend" of a friend of mine. i only met him a few times, but we kept in contact on social media. it was just instant with that person. kindred spirits. he acknowledged things in me that i always wished others would notice. i wish i could remember more, but so much from that time, years ago, is gone. it's all empty up there in my head. black swaths of ink spilling over my memories, saturating even the good ones.

anyway. he died. it was a shock. my friend claimed it was suicide because he overdosed, but i think he just struggled with addiction. the truth is, so much time had elapsed when i had last seem him, i didn't know about the pills. i didn't know. he was so colorful. just truly one of those people that could wrap around you and lift you up just by being in a room with them. i miss him. i never got to say goodbye. the anniversary of his death was in september.

i wish i could feel that way again. to sit in a room with someone and i could unfold and let myself stretch out and be exposed. i feel like so much of me is dead, now. i'll never be myself again. i'll never be able to introduce those parts of myself to anyone again. i miss those parts.

i just want to fit in. just once in my life. without looking for someone special to accept all of me. i want to be accepted as a whole by everyone. but i never get the chance. i don't know what it is about me, what i've done to myself to turn people off so much. is it the loneliness? can people feel that i'm closed off? what does that read as? what do people feel from me?

i feel so defeated lately. on paper, things are going excellent. i got everything i wanted. i did it, i worked really hard, and it paid off. but i still want to walk into the lake and disappear under the waves. i want to sink to the bottom and become a corpse. beautiful, frozen, suspended in time. and no one on the surface would know. life is like a party i'm dying to slip away from. out the back door. maybe when everyone is busy laughing at a joke i'll walk backwards toward the door, search for the handle, and gently turn the knob. i'll step down onto the porch, under a lamp, and shut the door. the night air will be cool and damp. i'll watch my breath in the cold and stroll down the street. i'll fade away under the streetlights. no one at the party will notice. no one in their homes will see me disappear. my name will be replaced by snapping fingers, "what was her name?" and i'll die. and it will be peaceful. because no one will hurt. no one will remember. just another jane doe.

[dollmother]

"if you truly loved someone, why would you hurt them?"

i often think back to the time when the first person i've ever loved told me i was incapable of doing so. that it was impossible to love someone AND hurt them. that the moment you hurt someone close, all the love you thought you held for them dearly dissipates like fine dust in air after a sudden draft. then, i often wonder if the love i clung onto for those who came and went was ever genuine. i question if a lot of things i've felt was real--if anything was real. most of all, the remorse that came flooding in the aftermath of my emotional instability.

it was like if someone bumped into a switch and flipped my shit upside down. i lose all the good in me and turn wholly selfish. i forget others still exist and burgeon into a mindless state of dull self-preservation. i dont know how to deal with all this. there's too much going on and it aches my brain to think about it. my skull rings and the insides feel all numb. eyes they shake then suddenly i am removed from my body. all sensations cease and thoughts stop lingering in my head. i feel at peace in selfish preservation.

there are many instances when i desperately wished there was no responsibility to care about anyone other than myself. how it would be so much simpler to live a life never having to worry about anything. like nothing matters but you. there would be no reason to stress over how my actions could potentially be collateral damage.

i do believe at my very core, there is something rotten and festering hiding beneath the skin. i have always held this burden. the knowledge of something terrible nesting underneath the layers of irony and sarcastic humor. i am deeply unwell. horrified by the creatures that lurk inside. they squirm and writhe to be freed. something wicked, something tainted, something corrupt, something unclean. i do not wish to curse anyone with such a grotesque darkness. it seeps through the cracks of my lens and cuts on the surface of my skin. each time i feel hurt, i can feel the essence leak from underneath. a harrowing experience to witness after its wake. my thoughts tell me i must ruin everything. the classic self-fulfilling prophecy of a cynic. everything is flawed and will cease under its defects. you feel as if there is no escape from this tragic fate, spiraling under the consuming dark.

how freeing it must be for us to dream of disappearing completely. free from obligation, free of negotiation, free from fear. the solipsist's ambition, to be alone in your peace. i think about that a lot---not having to worry about anyone or anything. to be selfish without the guilt that comes with it sounds like the best thing anyone could ask for.

my eyes turn blank and i forget about all the fucked up shit i piled on top of myself. i go to sleep and iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii

i am always craving for a chronic isolation. where no one who cared about me existed. where i am free to yearn. to chase after a feeling i'll never obtain. purpose without responsibility. devotion without commitment. why must i be desperate for something so justly unachievable?

was it all just a lie i told myself? a denial of the words once said to me, words that tore into me? did the love i held so dearly between my fingers to the palm of my hand an illusionary trick? i don't know. i can never know for sure. have i internalized what others have accused me of to the extent where i have forgotten who i am?

[adhddbt]

When I see this- signs like this, I can't help thinking there are so many people out there who either can't think of someone in their lives like that, or they don't know, or they're genuinely so alone, isolated somehow...

But even still, even if they are in that situation, they, you if you're reading this, you do have worth. There's the potential for a better life that I believe in, I must believe in. How many times have I endured a time without even the hope of things ever getting better. At most, the hope of feeling hope again. (Sounds silly in words, but maybe that makes sense anyway.) The point is that even without that "potential," I just want to say, to plead with all of you to reach out. Sure, that's easy for me to say. That's true, I won't deny that.

TL;DR - Cut to the chase: If you're alone and you don't know who to reach out to message me. Now, I'm not on tumblr all the time. I can't guarantee how soon I'll see the notification, etc. I know a FWIW isn't much, especially from some rando on the internet. And no way am I a therapist or qualified for much. But I do have some experience in group therapy and peer support. And I'd be irresponsible if I didn't emphasize that in the event of suicidal thoughts, please call a crisis number or emergency number. I beg you. I'll say that I'm a message. I'm essentially required to, ethically, and possibly legally. But I will not vanish. I'll message back and forth as I am able. More often than we know, someone misses us when we disappear, whether we say goodbye or not.

After getting through a dark time, I have so far previously emerged and put a life together for myself, with help for sure. We can't go out alone. And while I'm doing that, I met people. I still meet new people, even though I still feel isolated. And I'm grateful they exist. And sometimes I can tell they feel the same. I don't always say it. I ought to say it more.

Maybe there's someone you are grateful for, even if it's just, like, the checker at the market who is simply more kind than they're required to be. There is someone out there who feels that way about you. And even if you don't believe that for an instant, there's every chance to find that. I haven't made the connections I wished I could have, so many times. But enough times I have. I took a chance, even if I had sneaking doubts. And I made a friend who would just not quit. I've got maybe three friends I can think of, not a bunch, and it doesn't take a bunch. It's not like I see them all the time, but they're never really gone, even if I don't see them for a year or two. One friend I haven't seen in like fifteen years, but we've been texting and taking over the phone lately. That feeling of getting your buddy back! I want that for all of you.

I don't know how to convince someone that there's hope. My examples don't necessarily prove anything. I haven't been wherever you are now. None of us are in the same situation. We can't say, "I know just how you feel." But if someone promised you that you'll never feel better or that you'll always feel this terrible, we know that's a lie. That's not a certainty. More than a shred of a possibility.

It often doesn't take as much as we think it will. Sometimes it's an uphill struggle. It does take some work to make our lives better. And we need some clue to at least guess what will work this time. I've asked "Why me?" But more often, I've asked, "Why not me?" Why shouldn't I live better than this? And there's no need for any of it to be justified. There are lots of valid reasons why any or all of us have the right to a better life. But you don't have to justify it anyway. Claim it. Just claim it! "I want better than this and I'm going to fucking get it!" Do I deserve it? Fucking yes I do! But I don't need to tell anyone why. Nobody owes anybody anything, but we do owe it to ourselves. What we give one another, we choose to. Hopefully, out of kindness. Choose yourself. Give yourself something. Give someone else something when you can.

I had a dog some time ago. I had him for ten years. I'd say ten wonderful years, but there's always tough times, even in the best of times. And vice versa. Anyhow, I was dumb lucky to find my dog. I still love him, too. That love fills me up when I think about him for long enough. And there's still a little sadness. But all those different feelings mean that I haven't forgotten those amazing times. Maybe this is weird to say. But as full as he made my heart, I knew that his biggest love was my spouse. I don't think I was ever jealous. A little envious maybe. But he did love me. And our love made me full, no matter who felt what. And the sadness doesn't bring me down. Well, not unless something else does too. But that's actually a good thing. There are a lot of things to grieve these days (2023). I do hope that this year is somehow better for you than last year. If it's not, then I hope the spring and summer bring you change you've longed for. I wish that for you. Not because it benefits me. Do you feel the world crying sometimes? Aren't we all now crying together, somehow? We can share joy, too.

We've lost too many people. It's not right. It's not okay. But it is up to us to make things better. We do need you. We are in this together. It's not your fault. A lot of the time, we don't know whose fault it is, or we have no way to bring justice if we do know. But the suffering is real. And maybe we don't exactly owe one another, but maybe that's as good a word as any. We owe it to one another as humans. Some mutual respect. Compassion for one another's suffering. Recognition of each other's worth. To celebrate others' triumphs. You deserve to have others celebrate you. The opportunity to live free of old suffering, to overcome it, at least enough to live the best life you can. Some do hurt more than others. Some of us feel it more intensely. We deserve better all the more. We understand each other better, I think.

I don't want to go so far that this writing devolves into a bunch of clichés. Well, more than it already has. I guess I'm getting pretty good today. It's the kind I need to share when this happens. No, everything isn't perfect by any means. I've got some discomfort I'm not going to talk about. I've got things I didn't get around to today. But I got to talk with someone I care for a lot. People will surprise you, sometimes for the better.

I'm not good at wrapping up. That must be why I rant endlessly so often. I don't know if this will help anyone, ever. I just felt it had to be said. I just gotta- rebel against all the shitty stuff out there. Not politically, because approaching things like that just isn't something I relate to or can deal with. Anyhow, we don't need another tangent.

Pink Floyd said, "Don't be afraid to care." I guess that's all I'm saying. That includes care for yourself. And we can care for each other. We can.

[kozu-chan]

synopsis: keeping up with a society that expects you to be perfect is exhausting in every way possible. you're lucky enough to have found someone who relates to navigate this brutal world with.

content warnings: fem! reader, cursing, insults, bullying if you squint, mentions of insecurity, a bit of fighting, mentions of mental health, and sakusa might be ooc but that's just to make the arguments a little more dramatic.

sour masterlist

growing up, you were a perfectionist. although this wasn't necessarily your fault, was it? at the young age of four, your parents discovered that you were, and maybe still are, gifted with talent for music. this led to years of guitar, piano, violin, flute, singing, and even harp lessons. throughout the years, you went through many concerts and hours upon hours of practicing your various instruments. this led you to attend the infamous itachiyama academy in high school and that was only the beginning of your troubles.

as a perfectionist, you dedicate yourself not only to your music, but to your studies as well. sadly, even you can't manage to balance school, music, sleep, and a social life and one of those things have to give due to your busy schedule, so you sacrifice your social life. sometimes you think that this was the wrong move because that just makes high school practically a living hell for you. that is, until about a week ago.

last week, you had a regular morning. you walk through the halls of your school and people do their best to avoid you, to not get in your way. however, that doesn't stop them from gossiping about you. "wow look at l/n. little miss perfect." "i dare you to talk to her!" "she's such an ice cold perfectionist." "i could never be friends with her. she's too serious." "does this bitch even have a life?" you ignore the comments as you make your way to your first class. sometimes you just want to yell at them to stop talking about you. to tell them how much it hurts you and how being such a perfectionist is exhausting. to let them know that their comments only add to how lowly you think of yourself. that you wish that you had even one friend because you feel so alone.

after school, you spend hours in the music room practicing a song you were thinking of performing, something self-written as a way of releasing your emotions. and once you think your practice is sufficient, you curl up against the wall and cry.

once your crying session is done, you get up and walk back to your dorm. on the way back, you see someone in the gym do an insane serve that slams down that just barely makes it in. you hear a groan of frustration followed by the oh so familiar sound of breath getting shaky due to crying. your gaze follows the sound to see the figure on the floor crying and your breath gets caught in your throat when you realize it's not just any player, but one of the top three aces in japan, sakusa kiyoomi.

"sakusa-san?" sakusa looks at you with what looks like a bit of fear but anger replaces his expression before you could confirm your suspicions. "what the fuck are you doing here? this is a private practice." his tone is cold, firm, and piercing. you could feel a chill run down your spine, but you ignore the feeling because other people, especially your parents, have been on the receiving end on your own tone that sounds just as menacing. the only indicator of crying being the red, slightly watery eyes that you can't help but sympathize with. "what are you staring at?" you snap out of your thoughts to respond to him. "i saw you on my way back to my room. i just happened to see you crying and i-"

sakusa sighs again in frustration. "and you what? just shut up and leave me alone!" "i just know what it's like, okay? you really think that you're the only one who's tired of not feeling good enough? the only one who's cried because you just want to get better but you don't see any improvement no matter how much you practice?" your voice is loud and yet on the verge of tears. you glace at sakusa, who now looks angrier but you don't care. "so sue me if i come off as a ice cold bitch who doesn't talk to anyone because i do anything and everything i can to be perfect even if i always fall short and sue me for sympathizing with you."

the room grows quiet, save for the sounds of your shaky breathing as you try your best to calm down before you actually start breaking down in front of him. it takes another few seconds before sakusa stands up and walks up to you. "l/n, right? yeah well you don't know me and you should just get out of my sight. you shouldn't be trying to get someone to stop crying if you're just going to cry yourself. just relax more." relax more? "that's rich coming from you." you're no longer crying and sakusa stops in his tracks.

"you're telling me to relax more when you don't seem to have any chill... ever. and let's not forget that your crying was what brought into the gym in the first place." you take a deep breath to calm yourself. "so... the gym is like your safe space, right?" sakusa doesn't answer, clearly exasperated and silently begging you to leave. "c'mon, sakusa-san! you can tell me!" you smile a little when he opens his mouth to talk, only to be disappointed by his response. "god, you're such an annoying bitch. go find someone else to bother!" you're disappointed but you're also persistent. after all, you are the one that figures out and teaches all the schoolwork you struggle with to yourself. "if it makes you feel better..." you sigh quietly and contemplate whether or not it was a good idea to expose yourself this much to someone you just started talking to. "if it makes you feel better, my room and the music rooms are my safe spaces." "it really doesn't. if anything, it just makes me feel even more pathetic!" a small smirk graces your features as you realize that you got him. "so this is your safe space? i didn't hear a denial!" sakusa rolls his eyes. "would you shut up already" "not until you admit it." he glares at you and you just look him dead in the eye, causing him to break (probably so you would shut up as he thinks you'll do if he admits it). "fine... the gym is my safe space... that you're encroaching on." you back away slightly because he was right. and you know that you would also be pissed as fuck if someone encroached on your safe space, especially while you were crying. "i'm sorry, i just wanted to help. but, maybe we could be each other's safe spaces?"

you mentally sigh in relief as sakusa looks just the slightest bit more comfortable upon hearing that. "i mean, you know what it's like so... i guess i wouldn't be opposed to that." the two of you give each other a small smile as you sit down a good length away from him. "god, it's brutal out here, huh?" sakusa lets out a small laugh and agrees.

"sakusa, are you really gonna go pro like they say you are?" sakusa looks at you for a second and nods. you even notice his eyes lighting up a little. "yeah, that's what i want. it's what i've wanted for as long as i could remember. i wouldn't work so hard for it and get so dirty if it wasn't my dream... what about you? are you going to become a musician?" now it's your turn to pause. you freeze up. it's been so long since someone's asked you what you wanted. "i... honestly? i don't know what i want anymore. it's been so long since i've been asked what i wanted. it's been so long since someone's seen me outside of the "little miss perfect" that everyone else sees... i don't know." you take a moment to recollect your thoughts. "i just hate the thought of disappointing people that i think i've lost myself in the process. i've been pursuing music for so long that it's familiar, it's instinct, and i can't see myself doing anything else because i haven't done anything else..." your voice gets quieter as you speak. this is the first time you've ever gotten a chance to voice out your thoughts to someone and your own revelations shock you.

"yeah, i think i'm getting there too. losing myself to satisfy everyone while trying to stay true to myself. after all, who am i if not exploited?" it takes a minute to digest the words that were so simple and yet so powerful, the six words that could be used to summarize your entire life. "it sucks, doesn't it? like all i did was try my best, and this is the kind of thanks i get? annoyance and isolation? awards and acknowledges of achievement but at what cost? my social life? my mental health? ... my identity?" sakusa looks like he's going to say something but you shoot him a look and his mouth closes to let you continue. "it's literally so fucking stupid! there's literally no actual reward for me anymore, nothing satisfying. it's all worthless - meaningless, even. sometimes i wish i could disappear..."

a small breath is sucked up and you turn to sakusa. "sorry that was heavy. i've just never had someone to talk to about this. at least not properly."

"i get it. i haven't really had a lot of people to talk to either. at least not that honestly. i'm glad we have each other now, because you were right. it is brutal out here and it's good that we can stick together now."

after that, no one really bothered you anymore and it was all thanks to your new friend and confidant.

a/n: sheesh this is one of the longest things i've written. i really hope you like it and i'm really sorry that i suck at endings!!

[rikumorimachisgirl]

Catharsis.

I haven't been feeling myself lately. I'm not sure when it started or even how or what I did to deserve it. Lately, I've been feeling isolated and I received more anonymous hate for some reason. Specifically, on my birthday, I read words and letters that were so demeaning and demoralizing, I spent the night crying. I normally don't pay these any mind; however, maybe it's the jetlag or Mercury being in retrograde again, but the whole ordeal is melancholic and is something I would never wish upon anyone, regardless of how much I've suffered through it.

The worst part is that I started questioning my worth as a person. In this stage called Tumblr, where all of us behind our user names, I've always done my best to be authentic - people knew when I'm happy and when I'm upset. I never sent hate mails or anons. I treat everyone with the same amount of respect I always knew I deserve. When I'm not afforded the same level of respect, it pains me.

I've been called a slut, a dumb Asian bimbo, a hopeless wannabe. I've been told I could never be at the same level as (names withheld). The most hurtful of all was being told the world would be better if I would just disappear.

This haunts me until today, and maybe it'll haunt me for a little while longer too. So, I'm finally writing this as a form of release, because I don't think it's fair to have been attacked without making the intent clear. And it's never okay to play with a person's head and wish anyone dead. If my fiancé weren't with me, who knows what would've happened.

It's been really hard to smile lately, but today a little girl approached me as I was sitting at the picnic ground, and handed me a dandelion because she said I looked sad. The little girl's name, as it turns out, is also Iris. I could only thank the universe for a serendipitous experience. Maybe all the things I've done today, including this note, is the catharsis I need.

[justdoingmythingasalways]

Does my insecurity know no bounds?

Does my arrogance and animosity know no end?

I felt deflated before I even had energy to say so. Once again I feel the need to isolate myself, once again I feel the urge to run and hide. I wonder if there will ever come a day when I feel better about myself, when I'll truly see I have nothing to fear, that I have so much to offer.

I look around and I see nothing now in an instant, some twisted form of dark magic disappearing all that I had just praised myself for.

And it's all gone in as little as a puff of smoke.

"I fear the edge of dawn knowing time betrays."

In my own way, I understand that. I feel that within me in my own way—I feel that fear and I know why. Still, it's something that only time and effort will heal. I feel still that everything good will eventually leave me.

It's not that I don't think I deserve happiness or that I think so low of myself—I wish it was that simple. I feel cursed when it comes to love. I always have and to some extent, I always might.

I know what it would take to fix it but...it's not something I would ask of anyone—no one deserves to deal with my insecurities, no one should have to help me heal them and learn, I should be able to do that alone. I should be able to handle it.

I wish I could.

[rebecca-johnson-28]

𝕵𝖚𝖘𝖙 𝖆 𝖇𝖚𝖓𝖈𝖍 𝖔𝖋 𝖗𝖆𝖓𝖉𝖔𝖒 𝖈𝖗𝖊𝖆𝖙𝖎𝖛𝖊 𝖆𝖓𝖉 𝖉𝖊𝖘𝖈𝖗𝖎𝖕𝖙𝖎𝖛𝖊 𝖕𝖎𝖊𝖈𝖊𝖘 𝕴 𝖜𝖗𝖔𝖙𝖊 𝖙𝖍𝖆𝖙 𝕴 𝖜𝖆𝖓𝖙 𝖙𝖔 𝖘𝖍𝖆𝖗𝖊 𝖜𝖎𝖙𝖍 𝖞𝖔𝖚. 𝕳𝖔𝖕𝖊 𝖞𝖔𝖚 𝖊𝖓𝖏𝖔𝖞!

"Hurry up bubs, we're going to be late!" the dark brown almost black-haired boy hollered to the red headed girl. "I'm going as fast as I can" yelled the girl, desperately trying to catch her breath. With only seconds to spare, the couple shot like bullets from a gun through the white glistening doors. "We made it!"Payton yelled in excitement, as the introduction to Post Malone's tour began playing. The night slowly but surely came to a close, after the couple had sung their lungs out (probably ending up with a sore throat the next day) and their bodies about ready to collapse on the hard floor of the arena. "I think we might need to take a running class in the future" the handsome boy explained, removing his shirt to reveal a beautifully carved body."You do, I don't. I came 3rd in the 100-metre race last month, remember?" the girl questioned while changing into Payton's hoodie and a pair of pyjama bottoms."Yeah, yeah" the brown-eyed boy answered before pecking his lover on the lips, turning off the light, and then bringing his girlfriend to lay on his chest for the night.

I turn, tossing in every direction. I swivel and look at my clock for the millionth time. 11:59. I ponder over each task I have completed and need to do. After sitting there for a few minuets, I toss over again, pulling my covers further towards me. I am now slowly but surely, scumming to the darkness. My lungs heave, turning and sprinting down each and every pathway. Dark green razor wire stretched for miles on end. I stop. I look over to my left. A red door. Feeling a chill rush through my right side, I turn my head. A green door.I cautiously shoot round behind me to see nothing but darkness. I run up to the red door. Nervously putting my ear to the chipped wooden door. I jump back as a scream rips through the door as if you were being burned alive. With a now harsh ring in my ear, I scuttle to the other door. Hesitantly, I do the same. I hear a faint beep along with hysterical sobs. "Choose wisely, my dear" The voice taunted with a viscosity of treacle. "The fate is in your hands. Choose now or I will pick for you" A male voice sneered. Shakily, I raised my chubby hand and pointed to the door. "Nice choice" The pair clapped, cheered and cackled. Immediately, I was chucked around like an old sock in the washing machine. Patches of murk clouded my vision. Before, completely covering my eyes, the pairs voices cackled and laugh once again.

I wake up to the smell of fresh blood. The muffled sound of footsteps could be heard in the distance. Are they coming towards me? Or walking away? The sting in my side shot down my leg and oozed across my abdomen. The taste of old alcohol still lingered on my tongue but was mixed with a bitter sensation. I opened my eyes and realised the pile of wet leaves that I was laying in-or had been discarded to- was soaking through my little black dress. As I tried to sit up, I saw other piles of leaves laying around, and I felt a lancing pain scream across my intestines. My diaphragm moved dangerously close to my breaking point as I gasped for air. I was in the park. The frost from the early morning sky twinkled like the stars- a reflection of the heavens. How did I get here? The questioned lingered... A dark figure, a man! He was grabbing my wrist heaving me through the countless people that surrounded us on the dance floor.

Isolated. I watched her disappear into the mist. "Keep quiet. Otherwise, I will tell of it!"Anna whispered forcefully while grabbing my arm hard. Anna's werewolf-like eyes piercing into your soul with a look that could kill anyone in an instant. Arched eyebrows and with pursed lips. Her thick black hair cascaded down her back while lightly fluttering around in the wind. We walked out of the manor covered in gargoyles and windows. Dark on the outside, supernatural on the inside. The gold lion head on the door handle that disappeared as soon as you heard chains."Where are we going, exactly?" A small but deep voice said behind me. Behind us was a boy with bleach blonde hair and soft molten grey and turquoise eyes that look like grey waves crashing again the shore. The boy reached for my hand nervous interlocking our fingers. Walking with someone you don't like can be sinister. Where is she taking me? I thought to myself desperate to run with the boy behind me. Anna stops, in front of a building I recognise so well. The Orphan House. "Now, before we go in I have a reputation to uphold so don't do anything stupid especially you Hunter." I now just realised standing right next to me was the person I dreaded the most Hunter Smith. Hunter was the one person that was a half-ghost and that could easily kill you if he got angry. We got to The Orphan House and we crept in. Floorboards crept as we went to the front desk which was on the top floor and the only way up was an elevator. As the group enters, gargoyle paintings cover the whole ceiling. "To what do I owe the pleasure, Annabeth?" The dark shadow speaks, moving, no, floating forward? "I need the keys, it's important" Anna replies. Her voice wavering slightly, with every move she makes. "Fine, just make yourself at home, your gonna be here a while..." Anna sat watching, dangerously, in her room as the waves crashed against her window. Mondays. She slowly got up wanting to explore more of this new house. Anna had just moved here two days ago, and she already hates it. Anna's werewolf yellow eyes pierced a hole into a portrait of an old family. Her eyes are the type that with only one look into them your mesmerised, but your soul could be killed in an instant. She arched an eyebrow towards her teacher as she went off into another tangent about the area of a trapezium. She slowly pursed her lips and let go of her daydream to finally escape this town. She flicked her long thick black hair which was cascading down her back in large curls. She sniggered lightly as she tripped somebody up again.

Youth. My youth. Everyone's youth. They have no mercy. Forever nightmares imprinted in our skulls. Their mercilessness and carelessness of our world. Catastrophe and destruction. We keep awake, nervous of what's to come. Am I paranoid? Tears in my vision; is this a joke to everyone? NO ONE TRUELY WINS! The dull rumour, a melancholy feeling, clouding the last flicker of hope. The night is silent. They will kill us if we are not careful. As ruthless as they are, we will be.

I watched as he entered the room, the fuel to my fire. He was walking with her again. He only said they were 'friends' but everyone knew including me it was more than that. He only saw him and me as 'good friends' before everything happened but I knew that wouldn't do with a fragile heart like mine. They looked into each other's eyes as if they were the only two people there. I wish I knew him like she did. But I couldn't. By the time I got to him, it was too late. I was always too late. Oh, how I wish that was me. But it never will be because I rejected Chat, and Adrien rejected me. Oh, how did I not read the signs? He was always there for her but not me. Now, I've lost him. I've lost my best friend and partner.  The battles done for me. Adrien got Lila. I got Luka. I know it might be crazy that I still love him even after marrying Luka. There I was climbing to the top of the Eiffel Tower to go see Adrien on New Year's Eve. Tonight I was finally gonna do it. Confess my feelings for Adrien. I, now dreading walking up the stairs, walked across the Eiffel Tower, waiting to find Adrien. But I did. Tears flooded my eyes as grief and sadness coursed through my body. It was his midnight kiss. His true love Lila. Not me. Not Marinette. I quickly ran down the stairs of the Eiffel Tower until the second floor from the top. Slowly pushing the button on the elevator door. I froze. I heard footsteps. Not one pair but two. As soon as the elevator came to the floor I ran inside and pressed the door close button as quickly as I could. But I caught a glance at the two pairs of footsteps I heard. Alya and Adrien. As soon as the door closed I collapsed into an ocean of tears. Why? Why her of all people? But I am only me. A failure. A klutz. An idiot. I finish crying when the elevator opened. There stood Alya. As soon as she saw me she ran inside hugging me. I open my purse and out flies Tikki. Alya had been so helpful as soon as I told her I am Ladybug. Once there was an Akuma attack she would nudge me and make sure that I knew where it was. Once I calmed down the door opened and me and Alya walked back home. For the first four days, I wouldn't do anything. We had only two days left until we went back to school. Adrien had been asking Nino if he could call Mari so he could sort things out with her since Adrien was staying at Nino's for the holidays. Adrien rarely got to even look at Marinette since what happened. It was like she didn't want him there anymore. They used to be the everything friend but now it's gone. Lila, on the other hand, was thoroughly enjoying this as she got to spend more time with her Adridoll. Things would never be the same for Adrienette. Time flew by as Adrien and I drifted further and further away same with Chat and Ladybug. Chat rarely went to patrol and I only got to see him during the attacks even then, he was different. Like he was missing something or someone to complete him. A year flew by as Marinette started to take a liking into Luka. They shared most of their final years together and once graduated moved into an apartment everything was slowly going back on track but Adrienette and LadyNoir was slowly becoming unexsistent.

5 Years Later:

Hawkmoth was defeated. All was well in Paris. Marinette and her classmates never graduated due to Hawkmoth's downfall. So they had to redo their final year.

Ocean blue eyes turning into soul piercing eyes, filled with cold blooded lust. Precise. Calm. Ferocious. Prowling in anticipation waiting to strangle its prey. Scratching, russling, engulfed claws picking up fresh grass. Anxiously anticipating the aroma of his prey; paws ready and clenched in prediction. Brows hardening in aim and determination growling. Every muscle tensed ready to pounce. Black abyss and careless throwing, the darkness around me covered in vengence. All of his senses are left defenceless. Forever nightmares imprinted in his skull . The night is silent screaming. They will kill him if he's not careful. He's just as ruthless.

She was timid but moved with caution. This was the Kings job, so why was she doing it? The white walls of the castle screeched in the morning light. 'Get in and get out. That's all you have to do.' She thought to herself, reinforcing her confidence. Let's just hope she can make it out alive. The guards stood ruthless, possibly armed, possibly not. Her confidence betrayed by the fearful look in her muddy orbs.  

I was timid, but moved with caution, through never-ending hallways of their castle. Guards, aiming their guns as if one wrong move could get you killed. At last...the emerald and steel snakes moved in morning light. The hinges screaming "Get Out!" It's Not Safe Here!" The clicking of my heels was the only thing you could hear until... another torturous scream ripped out, bouncing off each and every wall, echoing for help or mercy. Pain itself. The image of agony. "You may enter Hermione.". I scampered into the room. Werewolf like eyes pierce my soul with a glare that could rival Medusa's. Her eyebrow thinner than black wire but raised up to the ceiling. The blood red lips, covered by the tints of wine, were pursed. Thick black hair cascading down the spine of her back in large curls. Silver snake patterns covered the bodice of her emerald dress. Only time could tell what would happen to me. My bloody life, in her bloody hands. "Everyone out, I want a conversation with this one!" Her voice booming through every wall, leaving nothing but as ring in my ear. Sounds of hurried footsteps left the room. "It was only a matter of time Granger." She spat, venom dripping with every word. "That I know Lestrange."

Y/N walked through the crowded halls of comic-con. The newest but oldest member of 'Harry Potter And The Cursed Child.' children cast, sat next to Emma Watson and Rupert Grint, awaiting backstage, for their call on. For the first time ever, 3 of the biggest fandoms will be united together. Once Upon A Time, The Maze Runner and Harry Potter. Y/N was only 16 when she portrayed the role of Rose Weasley, and only 15, playing the Mad Hatter's daughter in Descendants 3, Maddie Hatter. Being a British teenager, with the struggles of her GCSE's in May, she had worked with none other than Robbie Kay. Y/N had worked with Robbie before as he did replay his infamous 'Peter Pan' role in D3. Both shooting 12 scenes together but only 6 made the final cut due to the timing of the movie. Y/N has fallen hard for the 23-year-old, even though she was only 16, and he had a girlfriend. But you know what they say "Don't crush a Libra's dreams." As the comic-con hall filled with eager fangirls or guys and paparazzi, in only 15 minutes time, the panel would begin. Y/N was slightly nervous as she would finally get the chance to meet the cast of OUAT, which had always been her favourite TV show, and The Maze Runner, which used to be one of her favourite books. Her name was called out for the panel, so she sat next to two of her school friends who also got a role in 'Cursed Child', Ryley Green and Bailey Wood. Ryley played Albus and was also her school crush before she met Robbie. Bailey, on the other hand, portrayed the role of James and was quite a close friend of her's as they both sat next to each other in maths. As everyone started talking, Ryley had asked Y/N if she had done the English homework due the Thursday they return. To his surprise, she said yes, and offered her help to Rye. She then turned her attention to Bailey and asked him, how him and his girlfriend, Morphy, are doing. Bail had asked her what to get for her birthday coming up, which she then made a few suggestions and stopped talking as the panel was ready to begin.

[xomilkteaxo]

Maybe i am meant to be alone. I am sure its true since im cursed and unwanted. I wish i was someone else a lot. I want to feel important to someone. I am a good person too, i don't know why i always get ignored and pushed to the back of everyone's mind. I want to feel normal for once. I want a bff. I want a gf. I want at least one person to tell me they were wondering about me. I think i really was meant to be alone. I always make friends then they end up leaving me. I confess my secret and its never returned. I don't understand sometimes. I wish i was someone else. People always say it will get better but it hasn't. Each time they say that, i am convinced less and less. I want to disappear sometimes and never talk to anyone else ever again because i always get my heart broken and my hopes up. What's it like being important to someone. I am so used to this feeling. I wish i was never born. I want to feel appreciated for once. I think i am forgotten easily. I am easy to forget about. I am eager to find someone yet i am afraid of commitment because i never experienced returned secrets. No one has ever told me their secret. I wonder what its like. To be on someones mind. I am cursed. I tell someone my secret and its never returned. I think i am not capable of love at all. Who would want me. I am no one. I am awkward. I say things too soon or too late. Im not that attractive. I am just not the right person for anyone i guess. I think its my fear of abandonment that makes me want to isolate myself. I think i am meant to be alone forever and ever while everyone else is skipping away with their loved ones.