#i don't want to be negative this semester

[adore-gregor]

i'm back on tumblr (again)

[mischieveousmayhem]

hiiii!!🩷 how are you?

I saw that you would like some requests in the #batmom so I have a fic idea

The idea is about each one of the batboys says to Batmom "your not my real mother" like angst/fluff and how would the bat mom react to it and handle it

Not my mother.

Pairing: Jason Todd x Batmom

Genre: Angst to fluff

Warnings: None (?), idk english that well 💀

Synopsis: He loves you , or maybe not?

—

"Jason, this is crazy. How do you have all F's 3 weeks into the semester?"

A disappointed Batmom stood in front of 13(?) year old Jason Todd. She had a frown drawn on her face. Jason looked down, sad that he is disappointing you and angry at himself.

"Do you not do your homework when I tell you to?" She asks a little more assertive while reading all the negative comments the teachers had left.

"I don't know." He responded quietly.

"How do you NOT know?" She was getting heated and it was clear in her tone. "All I want for you is to do your best and you don't even listen to me."

"I do listen to you." He speaks louder, aggressiveness in his tone.

"Jason Peter Todd, do not get an attitude with me because you have consequences to your actions. Now what is going on with you sleeping in class and not paying attention?" Your hands were now on your hips.

"Why do you even care?" You using his middle name made him mad.

"I am trying my best to make sure my son is set up to do good in life." Your hands now on your hips, "Until these grades are fixed, you are to not go on patrol because that is probably the root of these issues."

Jason was at this point angry. You were scolding him like a little kid, on top of that what's Batman without his Robin.

You we're about to walk away but then,

"YOU'RE NOT MY REAL MOTHER, YOU PHONY, I CAN DO WHAT I WANT."

You stopped dead in your tracks. How do you respond to that? You just want what's best for your sweetest Jason.

You turned back to face him, his face was red probably from anger. You were pale, trying to process what your son had said.

"You know what..." You trailed off, "I'll just let your father handle this." You sat down the paper before walking off leaving Jason alone.

Which after he picks up the paper and looks at it.

Oh dear. What has he done?

It's obvious you were actually just caring for him. He was processing everything himself. He just got so angry, angry because he was sad that you were disappointed.

—

In your bedroom shared with your loving husband, you cried endlessly.

Have you failed as a mother? You just want your son to do his best. You didn't understand why he would say that. Maybe you just came off in the wrong way and it triggered him to go off on you.

Just as you were lost in your thoughts Bruce walked in.

"I was looking—" He stopped when he saw you crying and rushed to your side.

Dearest Bruce Wayne only had a soft spot for his wife and kids.

His arm wrapped around you tightly as your cried into his shoulder.

"What happened?" He asks.

"Well Jason brought home bad g—" You stopped for a minute to gasp in between sobs, "Home bad grades and then I was scolding him but I didn't mean to come off wrong and I told him not patrol and then he said.."

"He said what?"

"He said I'm not his real mom!" You exclaimed then cried harder. "I know it's true but I love him so much and it still hurts."

"Y/N, darling." He grabs your chin with his fingers so you're looking his eyes. "You know he probably didn't mean it. He is probably still adjusting to us too. It still won't slide though, I'll talk to him, ok?"

You nod as he pecks your cheek.

—

You were knocked out cold. You probably fell asleep while crying. But your awaken when you feel a smaller body climb in the bed next to you in the bed.

You wanted to smile but you were still half asleep and upset. You roll over to face the figure.

"Hey Y/N." The voice spoke.

"Hi Jay." You responded softly, the tone of sadness in your voice even though you tried to cover it up. However, Jason Todd knew that his mother was upset and he frowned.

You two faced each other while laying there in silence. This lasted for about two minutes before he broke the silence.

"I'm sorry I said what I did."

"I know. It's ok."

"Then why are you do sad?" He questioned.

"Words hurt sometimes Jay and I know you didn't mean it but it still felt like a dagger to my heart."

He frowned even more. He hurt you. The woman who is his mother figure and cares so much for him.

"But I will always forgive you my little one. I'm sorry for being a bad mother." You apologized.

"You're not a bad mother, you're a perfect mother. I'm just a kid who didn't understand you were doing your job until after." He said.

"Jay, I just want you to do good, and always follow your dreams."

"I will mom, I promise." When he said mom you smiled.

He scooted closer to you and you wrapped your arms around him, holding him tight.

This was a mothers love, that is what made you his mom.

"I love you mom."

"I love you most, Jason."

[moniericreative]

The Saddest Tragedy of 2/2; Damned Regardless of Choice

Wasn't sure if anyone else already talked about this, but after going through the Persona 5 Royal Artbook a while back, and again recently... Something about the whole situation just really struck with me.

Obviously, spoiler warnings ahead for Persona 5 Royal, specifically Third Semester's Februrary 2nd.

So, unsurprisingly, I'm referring to Maruki's Deal.

It's a common interpretation that Akechi's 100% gung-ho against it.

But there's two separate moments that show a rare bit of... Wavering in his resolve.

The first is the Phantom Thieves meeting in Maruki's office with Lavenza:

Out of all of the Phantom Thieves, the only one to play devil's advocate and remind the group that Maruki's actions benefit them too is... Akechi, of all people. Not Joker, not Makoto, not Lavenza or anyone else.

It's solely Akechi who brings that fact up.

In the same meeting, beforehand he was very upfront and crass about how manipulative Maruki was being, and how the man played the other thieves like a fiddle...

And yet he says this in spite of all that.

There was no reason or prompting for him to, and Ryuji even rejects him politely afterwards too.

So surely this was just an off-line of simple pragmatism, right?

Well, here comes moment number 2, in one of the optional Jazz Jin hangouts you can get with him:

He plays it off as some idle food for thought with no deeper meaning, but... It's Akechi. He usually doesn't just say things just to say them.

There's always a hidden meaning to his words.

It's pretty obvious he's referencing his space in the Phantom Thieves, a group that's civil with him but doesn't particularly have any inclination to be friends with him... But it does beg a question...

Is he happy? Now that he's no longer being controlled by Shido, or burdened by a lifelong revenge?

By the sheer existence of this conversation at all, directed only towards Joker and in a place that he's comfortable in (second to Leblanc) it's pretty safe to say he is, but has reservations about it (i.e. 'If their happiness hinges on the group's unhappiness.')

Now where does the artbook come in? Well, inside the P5R artbook, there's a handful of interviews that expand on some parts of the Royal exclusive content.

What was the one bit that stuck with me?

(Thanks to VeskScans on Twitter for the high-quality scans of the artbook: https://x.com/VeskScans)

Per fan-translation:

Creator's Comment: "When I think about how Akechi's wish is to play chess with the protagonist after school, I want to tell him 'You like the protagonist after all, don't you?'"

Akechi's Wish.

He has a wish that Maruki actually does grant him, and it's to essentially be friends with Joker. It's mutual to Joker's own wish to be friends with him.

So add up the context of all three, and it paints a very depressing picture already:

Akechi is genuinely happy for once in his life, but doesn't think he deserves it at the cost of everyone else's. It runs opposite to his own sense of Justice, and his negative views on himself as a "cursed child," and that fuels him to keep denying it.

So with him being split between the two sentiments... It's unsurprising that he would rely heavily on Joker to make the ultimate decision; Whether to accept, or to deny. Because he himself can't, and Maruki knows full well of that.

Sure, he keeps pushing Joker to deny Maruki... But why?

Is it because what Maruki's doing is wrong, and he needs to be stopped? Is it the closest thing to a punishment for all of his actions, which has been constantly denied to him up to this point? Is it the closest thing to a confirmation that he's undeserving of such happiness, especially with how much blood is on his hands?

Who knows.

So how does any of this tie into Maruki's Deal on 2/2? Isn't Rejecting a false reality the obvious choice here?

Well... It's simple.

You're not really picking between a true reality and a false one.

You're picking between:

The acknowledgement of Akechi's growth (Hereward), the righteousness he carries as The Justice arcana, and his freedom from being under someone else's control his whole life.

And this:

Think about it. Maruki gives you multiple opportunities to accept his reality, and they become increasingly personal to Joker with each one.

First is the happiness of the general public.

Second it's the happiness of the other Phantom Thieves, especially Sumire.

Then finally, it's the happiness of both Joker and Akechi.

If the first two couldn't sway Joker's decision, why would the third?

Because you want Akechi to be happy and no longer suffering. You're the one in control of making that decision as the player, remember?

And both he and Joker are also fully aware of that, given how they look back at you in the "Accept" ending.

Not to mention in spite of how he reverts back to his "Detective Prince" mannerisms, almost as if he was a different person entirely... We never actually get any indication that he goes off to fight Maruki alone, or try to fix everything himself, do we?

Sure, he says "... Well. I have your answer. There's nothing left I can say. Our deal's off."

But what can he say? Once again, you've exceeded his expectations.

And once again, he's left as speechless as his "you really are..." moments.

You chose him over a "true reality." You told him to his face that he matters, you accept him as he is in spite of everything he's done, and you want to keep spending time with him as equals. As friends.

There's no anger, betrayal, shock, or even hurt in his voice. Just quiet acceptance because after all they've gone through together, he knows Joker wouldn't lie about that.

It's a truth he has to accept, even if it conflicts with his image of himself. He's wanted by someone else, for the first time in his life.

Of course he has no need for a deal anymore. They were always the closest things he was willing to get to a friendship, without establishing a close tie that could potentially hurt him in the end.

Why would he need one when you chose your bond over all else?

You proved to his face that it's not just some temporary truce with mutual benefits. It's a genuine bond for both parties, not just to him.

... It's just a shame that something you've done with him up to this point with genuine intent has been perversed into a means to sway both boys and you into compliance.

Ultimately though... You're the one stuck between two choices for him:

Forsake Akechi's happiness, and finally being wanted for who he is and not whatever pleasant image or service he can provide.

Forsake his freedom, and all the growth and accountability he's accumulated thus far from his own sins.

This teenage boy is damned regardless of the decision you make. All because a man with a Jehova complex noticed that he matters to Joker (and by extension you as the player), and uses him as an ultimatum to get Joker (and you) to comply.

All because said man is well-aware that Akechi's actual fate is vague. Did he live? Did he die? Who knows, neither he or Akechi actually confirm it. They just dance around the subject and leave the assumption up to you. But he'll take full advantage of the vagueness to justify his actions to you, and show why his goals and yours are "truly in alignment."

And the worst part is that Maruki's doing this with a genuine intent to make his life happier afterwards, much like youself. It's not out of malice, or a sick sense of delight, or with the airs of playing god.

He's distorted. He's a man with good intentions that have become so distorted that he inadvertently perverses the very desire to do good for the world.

And just like Shido, and Yaldaboath, before him...

Akechi's the number one casualty.

You're just forced to decide which part of him the gun is aimed at this time.

Because this boy can't have both. It's one or the other.

[cryinginmyroomsposts]

So High School | Dino one-shot

Pairing: Lee Chan x fem. Reader

tags: angst, fluff, fake relattionship, jenny han romcom coded, wooyoung in slightly negative shade (atinys don't come for me, it was just needed for the plot), bestie yeonjun, changbin special appearance, sports reference (not a lot but i tried)

a/n: It took me a whole semester to write this... (thank you adulting☹️) but this is basically a slightly changed, self-indulgent retelling of To All the Boys I Loved with dino being Peter Kavinsky...

masterlist

"You know, if you wanted to kiss me so badly, you could've just asked, right?" God! He was so insufferable and annoying. And mainly, he was completely irresistible.

Lee Chan, the school charmer. The boy who had every girl in high school wrapped around his finger. The gorgeous, talented football captain with the smile of a prince and lips that were meant to be kissed.

But right now, he was the bane of your existence, and he was getting on your last nerve.

“Just. Shut. Up. Chan.” You manage to whisper between catching your breath.

Chan’s smirk stays intact on his face, which is a mere two inches away from yours. The sun is blazing on the football field, making his fluffy brown hair glisten. His left hand is wrapped around your waist, sending cold shivers down your spine despite the heat. His other hand, the one that had scored a touchdown, is pushing stray hair from your face. His hand stays on your chin, tracing patterns. You’re a mess.

Your hands are clutching tightly around his neck, which is why his face is inches away from yours. The adrenaline of Chan scoring the winning point has brought you running down the stands and into this position. But now that he is here, your legs are giving out.

The initial gasps are turning into whispers and giggles.

“Princess, you can’t keep the audience waiting.” Chan’s voice flows like honey. His eyes are gleaming with surprise and mischief. His smile is bright and wide. He traces another pattern on your cheek, and you flinch involuntarily.

“Y/n, people are getting suspicious…” he sounds more serious as he looks around.

“Wooyoung is watching. You’re close to your goal.” The mischief in Chan’s face has been replaced with bitterness.

Oh, right! Wooyoung, the reason all of this began. The boy you’ve been in love with for the last two years. The boy you wanted to charm and make fall in love with you. The reason you’re currently in Chan’s arms.

Maybe it wasn’t such a bad idea…

“Y/n… come on. It’s not like this is our first kiss.” You look at Chan with daggers in your eyes.

He wasn’t supposed to bring that up. But he has a point…

“Chan, I’m nervous. Can you kiss me…” you manage to say. Chan gulps but leans down.

Three. The smell of Chan’s cologne hits your nose.

Two. Chan leans in, blocking the light from your face completely.

One. His glistening eyes are all you see before his lips crash into yours.

Heaven…

Probably your biggest mistake, and your biggest blessing.

But if you could go back three weeks and redo all of this… you’d still choose this. This moment, this boy, his lips, his warmth.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Three weeks ago

It was a regular day, with spring around the corner and the sun starting to shine brighter. Longer days and the lack of needing jackets always put you in a good mood.

A good day overall. Until that afternoon in the changing room. You overheard three freshman girls gossiping, and that was the beginning of your misery. "Did you guys hear that Wooyoung is looking for a female lead for his directorial drama..." One of the girls' excited voices traveled through the lockers.

"Oh my! Wait, isn’t his drama a romantic thriller? And he's the male lead!" This statement was immediately followed by a pair of squeals that made you roll your eyes.

"Do you think he’ll conduct auditions?" "Oh, I heard he was going to choose Mina." "Why them when Y/N is there? She’s a senior and she’s acted with Woo before..." "Maybe he’s into Mina? Or doesn’t like Y/N?" "Anyways, let’s see what happens… I hope he opens the audition for all of us. Imagine kissing Wooyoung!!"

And with another set of squeals, the girls exited the locker room, and you came out of the locker you had hidden in. Their conversation left you confused and heartbroken.

You had met Wooyoung during your freshman year theatre club auditions and immediately fell head over heels for the charming and handsome guy. It was no surprise that over half the school was in love with him. He was a sight for sore eyes, and his acting held everyone captive.

Your crush on Wooyoung only worsened over the years. You had tried dating a couple of other guys to forget Wooyoung, but every time the rehearsal for the annual school play began, you would realize that no one else could ever make you feel the way Wooyoung did.

Now you feel stupid about your crush. You kept pining for a guy who didn’t even consider you for his drama. A part of you is hurt; it is like all the hope you had built up in your heart came crashing down. But you still wanted to prove to him that you were worthy of his romance. If not in real life, at least on stage.

Did it sound like an extremely stupid idea? Yes. 100 percent stupid, but you were running on emotions.

Unrequited crushes never made anyone more intelligent, anyway!

The run-through that evening had been suboptimal at best; you were not in your head, and it annoyed everyone else. But you couldn’t care less, as neither Wooyoung nor the drama teacher, Ms. Kim, was there. As soon as the session ended, you ran to your car and went straight to the one person you knew could help you—Yeonjun.

Yeonjun was one of the most popular people in your high school—specifically among the ladies. If not for the fact that you grew up as neighbors since the two of you were three years old and had seen each other go through puberty, you'd also be head over heels in love with Yeonjun.

"What do you want now?" were the first words to leave Yeonjun’s mouth when you showed up at his room door. He’s sprawled out on his bed, watching something on his laptop and munching on chips. He’s not in the least surprised to see you there at 9 p.m. on a school night; he’s made peace with your presence. His parents were so used to you being there and treating you like their own child. This annoyed Yeonjun to no bounds, as he usually lost all single-child privileges around you.

"What's got your panties in a knot, Jjunie?" you inquire as you plop yourself on his bed and munch on the snacks he has. This causes him to groan in protest, but he doesn't take the snacks away from you.

"My date this weekend canceled on me," he says with a pout that makes him look like a baby. You can’t help but reach out and ruffle his hair and smile.

"Why are you smiling at my misery, you psycho?" he complains, further deepening his pout. "Aw, sorry Jjunie, you still look like that little kid I met on the front porch when we were 3." The memory of your friendship immediately makes him smile.

"Okay, enough niceties. Now tell me what you want." His demand makes you roll your eyes, but you do realize you’re here on a mission and need his help, so you refrain from retorting back.

"I need your help," you begin. "With what?"

A few seconds of silence, of you biting your inner cheeks and him glaring at you with his most judgmental expression.

"Spit it out, Y/n."

Sigh. "I need your help getting Wooyoung's attention." Your words lead to Yeonjun choking on the last chip he is eating.

"Wooyoung? Jung Wooyoung? My friend Wooyoung? Your drama club partner Wooyoung?" His eyes are bulging like they’re going to drop out of their sockets, and you roll your eyes at his surprise.

"Since when do you like him?"

Ugh, this is feeling like a bad idea. "Since—since freshman year..."

"Holy shit! Y/N!" His mouth is agape right about now. The snacks and laptop are long forgotten.

"Why are you so surprised?"

"Because I know you for so long and had no clue. God!" He runs a hand over his hair in surprise, and you just lower your head in shame. It does feel shameful that after all that bold personality you put up, you are ashamed to be yearning for someone for so long. It feels contradictory to the strong, independent woman persona you want to project.

"Okay, I've had my reaction... now let's get to work." Yeonjun sits up straight on the bed, the laptop long forgotten. You are glad he doesn’t make this feel weirder.

Here comes the harder part—the plan.

"I thought we could get his attention by pretending to be a..." you cannot muster the courage to finish the sentence without wanting to jump off a tall building.

"Be a what?" He is eyeing you suspiciously again.

You shrink into yourself more as the word leaves your mouth, "a couple."

The silence after you utter the words is heavy. At least he doesn’t laugh out loud at the idea—that should count as a win, but it doesn’t feel quite victorious as you had expected.

"Y/N... Is that really the only plan you have? Can't you just ask him out like a regular person... he already knows you..." He speaks softly, his words making sense to the logical side of your brain, yet it feels like a punch to the gut. It might’ve been an impulsive idea, but that is all you have for now.

So you gather yourself and heave a deep sigh as Yeonjun looks at you anxiously. "Jjunie... I know it's weird, but I wouldn't have suggested it if I knew a better idea. And it's not about Wooyoung knowing me, it's about him seeing me... you don't need to immediately decide, but please think it over."

Before Yeonjun can say a definite no, you leave his house in a hurry. Poor boy looks so confused as you watch him pout and stare at the wall at what just happened. He is too nice to say no but also a very good friend who would not want to do anything weird, neither do you want to, but something about wanting Wooyoung makes you act all pathetic.

The night is the most restless in a long time. After six hours of tossing and turning, you decide to go to school earlier and work on the new play. After a strenuous day, where you'd almost forgotten about Wooyoung, Yeonjun, and the plan, you run into Wooyoung on the way to your last class. He throws you his classic polite smile and runs down the hall, and it makes your heart drop. He doesn’t even stop to say hi; to him, you'd just be Yeonjun’s neighbor and best friend. The thought makes your stomach churn more, and you decide to catch Yeonjun after his football practice and make him agree to your plan.

And that's how you find yourself power-walking toward the bleachers at 5 p.m. past the hunky, sweaty boys sitting after a tiring practice session. Usually, you'd stay and chat with some of the boys on the team—especially Beomgyu, Heesung, and your favorite Changbin. But today you walk right up to Yeonjun, who looks at you with the utmost surprise.

"Need to talk to you. Now." You sound curt, and he just nods before getting up and leading you to the locker room. It isn’t your first time there, but the place always disgustes you. It smells of sweat, testosterone, and teenage boys. But the conversation is important, so you adjust.

"What's it, Y/n?" He says, stopping in front of his locker and starting to dry his hair with a towel. He looks exhausted, and a part of you feels bad, but you still carry on.

"Did you think about it?"

"About what?" He looks so nonchalant while answering you that for a second, you think you've dreamed your conversation from the previous night.

"Jjunie..." He sighs and faces you fully.

"Y/n, I thought you were joking. Please come up with another idea, please..."

"Yeonjun, it is not a joke. He thinks of me as your friend, and I need him to see me as someone he can date. For that, I need your help. If we pretend-date, he might notice that side of me." Your words leave a bitter aftertaste in your mouth.

"Y/n, did you maybe consider that you don’t need to do all that for a boy? If someone likes you, they’d see you no matter what..." You sigh.

"Yeonjun, I didn’t come here for your self-love propaganda. I came to hear your answer. If you don’t want to fake date me and help me get Wooyoung’s attention, I’ll find someone else who's willing to do it." He looks defeated. You already know his answer and the explanation, but you want to hear it anyway.

"I won’t do it, Y/n. And I really hope you don’t find someone else for the plan either."

There it is. The blow to your chest. You are disappointed, but do your best to put on a brave face and nod. But before you can say anything, someone calls for him, and you just force a thin smile on your face as he leaves.

When Yeonjun is out of sight, you cover your face with your hands and sigh heavily. Now what...

"I can do it."

The voice comes out of nowhere and startles you so much that you jump out of your skin.

When you look up, there he is at the far right end of the locker room.

Lee Chan.

You know him, but you aren't exactly friends. His reputation of being the school playboy makes you keep your distance from him.

There he is, leaning against the locker with only a towel tied around his waist—abs in full display—as he lazily wipes his dripping wet hair. When you look at him, it makes sense. But you are still unsure of what he said.

"Sorry, what?" You croak out at him.

He straightens up, a smirk plastered on his gorgeous face, and walks toward you. When he is a mere five inches away from you, he stops. You can see his clear-cut abs, water droplets making them glisten. After a good minute, you realize you should probably stop checking him out and force yourself to look at his face (another mistake, because man, is he gorgeous!).

"I said I’ll do it." His face, voice, and words all drip honey.

"Do what?"

"Date you." You are sure your eyes fall out of their sockets at his words. He still smirks, and his eyes gleam playfully.

"What… what do you mean?"

His smile widens as he speaks. "The proposition you offered to Yeonjun now... I can do it. If you're okay with it, that is."

"Oh."

Oh? That’s all you can say!

After making sure you aren't dreaming, you think for a second, and before you can change your mind or regret it, the words spill from your mouth.

"Okay!" His eyes grow big in surprise. He looks devastatingly good when he smiles fully.

"Cool."

The two of you stand there smiling at each other for a while before he clears his throat and breaks the silence. You straighten up and fix your hair in embarrassment.

"Yeah, okay. So I guess we should come up with some kind of agreement... rules, maybe?" Years of watching romcoms gave you the idea, and while you know it is counterproductive, you still want to do it. To have a sense of security.

He raises one of his eyebrows, "Yeah, I guess... whatever you say."

"Okay!"

Why is he agreeing to all of it? What does he get out of it? There are so many questions unanswered, but before you can do anything about it, his phone rings. He answers it with just hums and then turns to leave. You watch him walk toward his locker room and turn around to face you.

"Hey, gotta bounce now, but I’ll shoot you a text and we can discuss the rest of it." You just nod at his words, feet frozen in place. He stares at you for a second before breaking out into a small laugh.

"What?"

"Are you going to stand there and watch me change?" He looks amused. Your face heats up at the implication, and you walk out of there without another look at him.

Only after you go all the way out of the school campus do you question how he will text you and what rules you will lay down.

But there are bigger problems, like studying for the upcoming quiz and memorizing your lines for the play, so you let it slip out of your mind.

Until five hours later when your phone blinks with a text notification.

Unknown Number: Hey Y/n, Chan here!

Your heart leaps to your throat as you drop the play script and pick up your phone to save his number and reply. Just as you hit send, your phone pings with another text.

Yeonjun: Hey, sorry about today... but I hope you understand.

You sigh. In all these years of friendship, you've had several petty fights, but this one feels heavy. You do not like fighting with Yeonjun and hope it will all work out in the end.

Y/n: Hi Jjunie, I am sorry too.

He begins typing immediately.

Yeonjun: We’re okay?

Y/n: Yes!

Before you can switch off your phone for the day, Chan texts back.

Chan: Sooo... came up with the rules yet?

Oh God. Why did you have to commit to that?

Y/n: Not yet.

Chan: Alright. If you're free, we can meet tomorrow and discuss.

Oh! Why is he so interested in this? That’s the question you cannot figure out. But you do not want to throw away the opportunity either.

Y/n: Yeah, I’ll be out of rehearsals at 5.

Chan: Cool. We can meet near the bleachers after 5.

Oh, that was easy!

You know it feels weird to think this would be so easy. The minute you walk toward the bleachers, you can see all the cheerleaders and other girls ogling all the boys playing in the field. And in your years of cheering on Yeonjun, you know that most of the crowd is here for their star player—Chan. Getting to discuss this private matter with him while his fangirls are squealing around him is going to be no easy feat. Not to mention that you have completely forgotten about Yeonjun and the whole team being present. You don’t want him to know that you are going behind his back, especially with his teammate and close friend. He will get to know once the charade is up, but there is no need to rub it in his face this soon. Every minute waiting on the bleachers feels like a lifetime in hell. Your palms get sweaty as more girls gather after classes and their own extracurriculars. You hope Yeonjun hasn’t spotted you yet. Every time it feels like he turns toward the far left corner of the bleachers, you feel your palms getting sweatier.

After what seems like ages, the practice is finally over, and hordes of fangirls slowly trickle out of the bleachers. Now it is time to wait for the man of the hour to show up.

Lee Chan walks toward your seat a good half an hour later with such ease and charisma that it is hard to believe he has just gotten out of hours of rigorous practice.

"Wanted to see your future boyfriend play on the field that badly, huh?" he says with honey dripping from his words and the smug smirk on his face. For lack of a better response, you just roll your eyes.

"Chan, can we just get on with the rules now?"

"I'm pretty sure you already have a curated list you want me to follow, so go ahead, sweetheart." You try your best not to gape at him at the accuracy of his words. You have been so anxious about the rules the whole night that you have prepared a comprehensive list of five points. Without fighting him, you reluctantly give him the piece of paper you have scribbled the rules on.

Y/N + Chan Dating Rules

Do not tell anyone about this arrangement.

PDA: only when Wooyoung or the team are present. (2.a. No kissing. Just holding hands!)

Post each other on social media (posts that can be deleted when the time comes).

Attend each other’s games/shows.

No flirting with other girls (this is exclusively for Chan).

You watch with sweaty palms as Chan reads the five points. His eyebrows raise as if he is questioning them. Truth be told, you are questioning the points yourself.

“Really? You had to write the fifth point?”

He looks up, waving the paper accusingly, and his expression is somewhere between anger and amusement. You were hoping it would lean more toward the latter.

You try to smile and shrug it off, but he just stares at you in disbelief.

Before you can cave in and apologize, he angles himself in his seat facing you. Suddenly, your face is in his palm—a bruised and calloused palm—and his face is alarmingly close to yours. You can see every freckle on his face, the twinkle in his eyes, and the water droplets on his hair from the post-practice shower. Your heartbeat is pounding in your ears.

God, this is a gorgeous man.

“Sweetheart, do you really think I’d look at another girl, much less flirt with her, when you are sitting here looking so pretty…”

WHAT?!

Did he say… that! Why?! Am I having a stroke?!

It would’ve been easier to think you were having a stroke, but instead, the tickle on your skin where his palm met your face is telling you that this is real. Lee Chan is sitting here and telling you that you’re pretty. Lee Chan is flirting with you.

And you need to stop it. For your own sake.

And Wooyoung, of course.

So you straighten yourself up and, with every ounce of energy in your body, remove his hand from your face.

“Hey! Rule 1. No flirting unless Woo or anyone he knows is around! How are you already breaking the rules…”

What began as an amused expression on Chan’s face changes to outright laughter.

Chan is laughing at you. And all you can do is recognize how young and charming he looks while laughing.

“Oh—okay, wow. You were serious,” he says in between breaths, stopping his laughter.

“Yeah, I was, idiot!”

He raises his hands in surrender with a big smile plastered on his face. “Alright, ma’am. I’ll follow all the rules from now on.” He ends his sentence with a mock salute.

Eye roll.

“Sooo, you don’t have any suggestions or changes?”

“Nope.” He says as he reads through the rules once more.

Well, that was easier than I thought!

From then on, Chan just agrees to everything you say, and you go through the rest of the rules within the next thirty minutes.

By the time you are done with the list, you are exhausted from sitting and talking under the hot sun in the bleachers. You can’t wait to go home, make some nice lunch, and take a nap. So, you begin to pack your bags and leave when Chan stops you.

"What now?" you scowl, hoping he won't waste further time on your one free day of the week.

"Wow, so grumpy..." he snickers as he picks up your bag despite your very little protest.

"Let me buy you lunch, Grumpy." He says with an easygoing smile, and even though you want to fight back, you don't.

Lunch with Chan turns out to be a pleasant ordeal. He takes you to a small bistro near school, and the two of you chat about anything and everything in the world. You would’ve never guessed that a conversation with a professional pretty-boy jock like Chan would be so rich and funny, but he has a breezy manner of carrying the conversation and making you laugh often.

He drives you back home, and you realize this is the best meal you’ve had with another person, and it has nothing to do with the food.

Chan also officially takes your plan into action by posting a misleadingly cute photo of your lunch on his Instagram. You have no idea when he took the photo, but you look at yourself in the picture, smiling widely at something he had said minutes prior. For the first time, you might actually like a candid smiling picture of yourself. And for the first time since your dad, someone has paused to take a picture of you that you didn’t ask for.

You chuckle as you see his post again, and just as a text pops up on your phone.

Chan: Now that I’ve kept up my side of the deal, it’s your turn to post something.

Oh shit.

You curse yourself for forgetting one of the rules and not taking a picture of him.

Chan: Unless you didn’t think of taking a picture of me…

You facepalm at Chan’s cheeky message and start to whine loudly in your room at your stupidity as Chan blows up your phone with sad face emojis.

Uff... Such a drama queen!

You let your head fall back on your bed, cursing yourself until it hits you... you did in fact take a picture of him that day when he was playing.

Excited at this realization, you immediately begin posting the photo. You can’t help but admire yourself for capturing his sincerity and athleticism so perfectly in your shot.

As you post, you realize how hot Chan is.

Wait, what...

Your phone keeps buzzing with likes, replies from friends, and two texts that have all your attention.

Chan: Mhmmm, good to know my fake girlfriend likes to watch me play… 😉 Yeonjun: Y/n, you're being stupid.

The first text makes you light up, and the immediate next one makes you scowl. You decide to ignore Yeonjun for now and reply to Chan.

Y/n: Oh please, don’t flatter yourself too much. I did it for the plan, just like you.

Chan: Oh.

You see the typing bubble come on and off for a minute until the reply comes from Chan.

Chan: Mine wasn’t for the plan, you just look beautiful smiling.

It is now your turn to go speechless (or rather, textless), until Chan himself ends the conversation.

Chan: Goodnight, princess ❤

Sleep never finds its way back home to you that night, and the thought of Chan’s smile, Chan’s body, Chan’s texts, and Chan himself fills you up until the sun rises.

Two days later, Chan shows up to your drama rehearsal. The previous day, when you saw Wooyoung in your rehearsal, he was polite as always. There is no hint of him even acknowledging the post made by you or his friend. Meanwhile, some of the other girls and guys in the team start subtly teasing. You are crestfallen at Wooyoung's obliviousness and text Chan that you need to do something more to catch Wooyoung's attention.

Chan takes it upon himself to reply with nothing but a thumbs-up emoji to the dozen messages you have texted him, which has you worried that he forgot about the plan. But when you find him sitting in the second row of the auditorium as you get on the stage, an involuntary smile breaks out on your face.

This earns you a prompt scolding from your teacher, causing you to fix your emotions to reflect your character's despair. With only five days before the big show, you don’t want to mess up, so you reprimand yourself for trying to glance at Chan.

The next time your eyes meet him is when the cast is practicing the final bow. You glimpse at him from your position at the center with Wooyoung and Mina. Chan is smiling wide—nothing out of the ordinary for the cheerful and charming jock. Your smile grows as you watch him clap until he has the loudest clap of all.

"Omg, Lee Chan, what a sudden surprise to see you indoors!" Wooyoung’s voice booms across the auditorium, and the claps die down. This finally snaps you out of the trance you had supposedly been in.

Chan seems to cause that every time he is in the vicinity…

You watch as Chan walks toward the stage where Wooyoung, Mina, and you are standing. He is laughing at Wooyoung’s comment—his usual sparkle spilling pure laughter.

"Haha, when did you become funny, Woo? Can’t a friend come to see his friend rehearse his performance?" Chan quips as they shake hands.

"Friends do, yes, but not Lee Chan, the star football player, who practices seven days a week without fail. In fact, didn’t you miss the last Fall show because you had a match in two weeks that you couldn’t skip training for?" Both the boys laugh as Wooyoung finishes, but you are silent in shock. You don’t know Chan is that disciplined and dedicated.

Chan brushes off Wooyoung’s comment, and the guys laugh it out as you stand there smiling.

"Jokes apart, what brings you here, Chan?" Chan looks right at you as Wooyoung asks this question and holds your hand. Before you can process what is going on, he pulls you toward him. You are standing hand in hand with Chan, facing a very confused-looking Wooyoung. Chan looks at you with a beaming smile before he turns to the other boy and says, "I actually came for her."

Wow… he's good!

You gulp as Wooyoung just stares between the two of you, nodding slowly as he tries to make sense of this. You are glad the rest of the cast has almost entirely dispersed from the auditorium by now, as you can feel yourself heat up under Chan’s stronghold and Wooyoung’s sharp gaze.

Eventually, the latter boy starts smiling—slyly. He mimics a salute to Chan.

"Well done, Chan! Can’t believe you landed the hottest girl in our drama group." As soon as Wooyoung says this, you feel your jaw drop open. Did Wooyoung just call me the hottest girl here…? Did that mean he doesn’t like Mina? Did he already like you? Was this whole plan useless…? Maybe I should just tell Wooyoung the truth now...

Just then, as if on cue, Chan’s grip around your fingers tightens, and you turn to look at him smirking at Wooyoung.

"I can’t believe I landed the smartest and prettiest girl in the school either… I knew she was incredibly talented, but seeing her shine the brightest on stage today was amazing! You’re lucky to see it every day..." Chan says each word with deliberate elaboration, all while holding your hand a little too firmly.

The tension that was supposed to come from Wooyoung seems to be emanating from Chan instead... But Wooyoung seems slightly put off by Chan's reply as his smile turns into a grimace. He looks between the two of you and nods.

"Yeah, she’s amazing... Anyway, I need to go. See you guys..." Wooyoung leaves hastily as he is talking, leaving you to glare at Chan. When Chan finally turns to look at you, he is smiling.

"Why are you looking at me like that?"

"Was that comment necessary, Chan?"

"Yeah, it is the truth."

Dammit, he's good... Chan starts leading you out of the auditorium, your hand still in his. "But there was no need to be rude to Wooyoung. He’s definitely the best here..."

Chan stops in his tracks, hearing you. He drops your hand and turns around to face you.

You’ve never seen Chan lose his temper—he is known to be one of the calmest during games, too—but he looks very close to shouting at you. He opens his mouth as if to say something but grunts instead.

After a long sigh, he says, "Alright, it was rude, but he got jealous, didn’t he? Wasn’t that what you wanted?"

You are lost in the words Chan has said that you forget to note Wooyoung’s complete reaction. He does get jealous, hopefully of the right things...

Not wanting to piss off Chan anymore, you nod.

Both of you stay silent the rest of the night as he drives you home from the rehearsal after learning that the bus that should’ve taken you home left while you were picking up your things.

Right as you get down and head toward your house, you hear Chan call your name out and turn to look at him.

"I meant it, you know..." You scrunch your eyebrows, not sure what he is talking about, and he sighs, running a hand through his hair. "I really meant that you were shining the brightest on that stage. I couldn’t take my eyes off you..."

What the...

You gulp and look at him. His eyes are wide, lips pursed together, and tousled hair. He looks sincere and very hot.

You smile. "Thank you, Chan. Good night."

You thought you had experienced all sorts of butterflies there are to be known while acting with Wooyoung in the Fall play, but the tumbling and soaring your heart does at that moment don’t even come close. Maybe this is a bad idea after all...

The following week goes by much smoother than the start. Chan shows up everywhere at school—before classes, during breaks, after school, after rehearsal, and lunch. He chooses to eat with you instead of at the table with his guys. He drives you home the whole week as a show of romance and even brings you homemade meals and flowers. All of which he makes sure to show off in front of the cafeteria or the drama club members.

Honestly, you are loving all the attention. Chan makes your life easier by taking care of your lunches and driving you home, which makes you less anxious about prepping more for the show.

You do your best to watch Chan play and even manage to cheer for him from the bleachers during touchdowns. He is so focused and precise while playing that it gives you chills each time. But the minute the game is over, he comes over to you with a big smile and eyes shining like diamonds. And that is incentive enough to go sit through another game of football for him. Luckily, his big match is a week after your show, and you’d be able to go support him without the tension of the show.

Through all these antics, the two of you are the talk of the school. Most people are very happy for the two of you—except Chan’s fangirls, Yeonjun, and Wooyoung.

Yeonjun keeps throwing glares your way whenever you show up to a game and waits outside your house to talk to you, but you keep giving excuses.

Wooyoung, on the other hand, has taken a passive-aggressive approach by constantly commenting on how theatre kids are better than jocks. He keeps showing off and asking if the football players can sing and dance at the same time like him.

Usually, receiving specific shows of Wooyoung’s talents and him making so many continuous unprovoked conversations would’ve sent you flying to the next galaxy in joy. But now, everything Wooyoung does makes you think that Chan could definitely do it better. And if you are not aware of Chan’s ability at something Wooyoung is demonstrating, you immediately text Chan about it.

Texting—that’s another place where the romance meter has unintentionally gone way up. Chan is always flirtatious with you, calling you "princess" and saying things that he knows will fluster you. But you’ve turned it into a game of who can fluster the other more.

Essentially, the two of you are now competitive flirting, and it is going way better than you could’ve ever fathomed.

As the days to the show get closer, you see Chan less and less.

The text flirtation is going strong, and you often find yourself smiling widely at your phone until someone from the team asks you to join them for rehearsal. Every time you look up from the phone, smiling, Wooyoung turns away sharply—giving away that he was staring at you. The pressure of the show has gotten to him, and he stopped showing off; now he just looks pissed off and exhausted.

You feel bad for Wooyoung and try talking to him. Instead of you cheering him up, he ends up making snide remarks about Chan, and you give up thereon.

Things were going pretty smoothly in your life until the dress rehearsal for the show—one day before the big show.

There is half an hour before curtains up, and you are pacing back and forth in the far end of the green room assigned to you and a few others. Everyone else has gone to grab food or meet someone or the other, while some are rehearsing. You are holed up in the green room trying your best to calm your nerves.

This is not your first show, and definitely not your first as part of the main cast, but no amount of experience seems to reduce the pre-show jitters. The memory of you puking five minutes before going on stage last fall comes back to you, and you can almost feel the bitter taste of anxiety forming at the back of your throat.

But before you could let the anxiety win, you hear someone clearing their throat and turn around to see none other than Lee Chan standing, leaning against a wall, hands in his jean pockets, smiling with his beautiful, kind eyes at you.

The relief that floods through your mind and body at seeing him there is beyond logic, and you do the only thing your entire existence wants to do—run up to him and hug him.

Till that moment, the maximum you both have done is hold hands in public, and you can feel Chan freeze under your embrace for a second before his warm, strong hands wrap around you.

It feels nice... the thoughts, fears, and the anxiety melt away in a second.

You rest your head on Chan’s shoulder, and he rests his head on top of yours.

“You’re going to rock the stage, princess.” He says softly, near your ear, and you instinctively move your head back to look at his face. His eyes are shining, and a soft smile is playing on his face.

“Thanks, Chan.” Your words make him tighten his hug around you, and you just stay there, looking into his beautiful, kind face.

Someone shouts from outside, "Ten minutes, guys!" You gulp and try to look away from Chan, but he lifts your face back to his eye level with his index finger and smiles.

“Y/n, I know you’re nervous, but you’re going to rock it. And I’ll be there for you…” he says. And that’s all it takes for you to lean toward his face.

Three. The smell of Chan’s cologne hits your nose.

Two. Chan also leans in.

One. His eyes are all you see before his lips crash into yours.

Heaven…

His lips feel like the ascension to heaven. Chan is kissing you with such delicate tenderness that it makes you melt further.

The kiss might’ve factually lasted less than a minute, but you felt the pull of his lips, and body into yours for what felt like a millennium.

When you finally pull apart due to breathlessness, both of you are smiling wildly. You notice some of your lipstick is smeared on Chan’s face, and he reaches to fix your face and hair.

"Go kill it out there, princess," Chan says and leads you out of the green room with one little peck to the lips.

All the nerves and anxiety seem to have transformed into butterflies and giddiness as you take your position on the sidelines of the stage.

You are lost in the memory of the kiss when you do not notice Wooyoung come up next to you.

"You know, you should make out before getting your makeup done. It’s disrespectful to the makeup artists and your co-stars."

"Excuse me?" What’s wrong with him? You notice he looks red with... anger. You’ve never seen Wooyoung like this before—at least offstage.

"Are you alright, Wooyoung?" You try to touch his shoulder to calm him down, and he jerks you away.

"One minute to go..." Wooyoung turns to you, face looking bitter. "You know, Y/n, I always thought you liked me. Never thought you’d go for someone like him." His words catch you off guard, but the curtains are going up, and you force yourself to get into character.

The next two hours are a blur—of running around backstage, helping everyone get to their scenes, performing your scenes, costume changes, and all the drama of it!

You always lose yourself on stage, and the sound of the thunderous clapping from the audience is the only thing that wakes you up from that trance.

And this time, you wake up from the trance to see Lee Chan’s beaming, proud face. He’s clapping so hard you’re worried for his palms. It makes you even happier to see the entire team there with him—including Yeonjun, who looks significantly happier than your previous encounters.

After spending the next hour thanking people and changing out of your costume, you finally reach the common halls of the school.

You find Chan, leaning against a wall and waiting for you. He is smiling at something on his phone, and it instantly makes you smile. You walk slowly toward him, careful not to startle him, and try to grab his phone from him. But being the incredible athlete that he is, he manages to turn you around and cage you in his embrace. But before he can snatch his phone from you, you catch a glimpse of what he is smiling at—pictures of you from the stage.

You whip your head to look at him, still snug in his embrace, and find Lee Chan blushing.

“Awwwww, you’re blushing... so cute,” you coo at him. He softens his hold on you as he fights a grin, and you turn in his embrace to pinch his cheeks.

“Chan, thank you…” His eyebrow goes up, as if to say why.

"Thank you... for going out of your way to be... you." He smiles so brightly, and his eyes become shiny. He hugs you tight.

There is a lot to be said between the two of you, but it seems like neither of you want to say anything and just be in the little bubble you’re in.

There is a slight disturbance to this as the sound of boys talking causes both of you to remove yourselves from the embrace and look as Wooyoung and his two friends—Yeonjun and Changbin—walk across the hallway to the parking lot.

Yeonjun makes fleeting eye contact—he doesn’t look pleased to see you standing so closely with Chan, and a lump forms in your throat. Following his line of sight, Wooyoung turns to look at you. He stops whatever he is saying, and his smiling face turns sour. You feel a bit of the bitterness come to your throat, remembering his words before the performance.

“You know, Y/n, I always thought you liked me. Never thought you’d go for someone like him.”

Just when you were hoping the moment would pass and they would walk away, you see Wooyoung whisper something to a very concerned-looking Yeonjun and Changbin, and walk toward Chan and you. Your heart is now pounding against the walls of your throat, and you want to hold Chan's hands, but it feels like an absolutely wrong move.

You don’t need to see Chan’s face to know that he is stiff with tension as Wooyoung glares right at him.

He stops in front of the two of you, crosses his arms across his chest, and says, in the snarkiest tone possible: "Well well well, if it’s not the two dirty little lovebirds."

Wooyoung stares competitively at the two of you, hoping for a reply, but both of you choose to be silent. This encourages him to continue—this time only facing you.

“You know, Y/n, I thought you were serious about theatre. I thought you understood how scared backstage and in the green room it is for a theatre artist. I thought you would know better than to go around kissing playboys in a sacred space like that... I thought you were smart..."

You’ve never seen or heard Wooyoung be so bitter and rude to anyone, and this breaks the expectation and pedestal you had for him over the years to come crashing down on you all at once. From the corner of your eyes, you can see Chan clench his jaws, and on the far end of the hallway, both Changbin and Yeonjun look very tense.

This is all your doing, that’s what your mind is screaming at you. This is not what you intended to do. All you wanted was to grab the attention of the guy you have an impossibly huge crush on. You never thought that your one idiotic move would break up a group of very good friends.

Most of all, you never thought you’d be standing there worried about your “fake” boyfriend’s feelings getting hurt over that of your actual crush, because of whom you’re all in this conundrum.

“Wooyoung, you're not in your right mind now... let’s talk about this later.” Chan’s voice comes out slow, low, and deliberate. You can tell he is speaking through gritted teeth, but his face is the picture of calmness.

Wooyoung scoffs, "Ohh, I am in the perfect state of mind for this, Chan." He smiles mockingly.

"I just couldn’t understand how someone so smart and pretty like Y/n ended up with... you. Or maybe she isn’t as smart as I thought and is just as easy as every other girl you’ve dated." His words are getting sharper and he oozes poison. The arrows from his mouth pierce straight through your heart.

It takes all your energy to not burst into tears, and Chan seems to sense it as he closes the gap between the two of you before replying to Wooyoung.

Chan takes a deep breath as his palms subtly run circles on the back of your arms. You can feel the heat emanating from him.

“Wooyoung, don’t let your bitterness get the best of you. Look, I don’t know why you are acting like this... if you’re jealous, you should’ve expressed your emotions to her sooner. I know you’re saying things in anger, but please stop because neither of us want to pick a fight. We can talk about this when you’re not in a mood.”

Chan is choosing to be reasonable, and you’re praying Wooyoung will too. You wait a beat and another to see Wooyoung scoff. Before he can say another word, Chan grabs your wrist firmly and walks you away from that hallway.

As you walk under the firm guidance of Chan's grip, you heave a big sigh of relief.

There is pin-drop silence as the two of you get into his car and he drives toward your home. You look over at his face, and his usually smiling and bright face is sullen, with his lips pursed tightly. You don't like seeing Chan angry and sullen one bit.

"Hey, Chan..." your voice comes out slowly as he parks near your front door and turns to face you.

You shift in your seat to face him more and reach out to touch his forearm resting on the steering wheel.

"I'm sorry, Chan." He raises his eyebrows in confusion, and you proceed to explain. "I'm sorry that I ruined your friend group... you wouldn't have fought if not for me..."

"Y/n..." he sighs and locks his fingers with the hand you extend to him. "You have absolutely nothing to be sorry about. We’ve been through a lot worse. In fact, it’s only considered a fight if at least one of us ends up bruised."

He says that so nonchalantly that it makes both of you chuckle.

"Are you sure, though?" Your worry brings a soft smile to his face as he caresses your face. You lean into his palm and smile.

"Yes, I’m sure. So don’t overload that pretty head of yours with unnecessary worries, princess. You rocked the stage tonight and deserve some good rest."

His words bring a big, unwarranted smile to your face. He always knew how to put your nervous heart to rest.

And in that moment, every single thought of logic goes out the window, and you act on pure instinct. You grab Chan’s face and kiss him. The moment your lips touch his, he takes over. He leads you both toward the romantic swan dance that is your kiss. Chan and you are intertwined at that moment of pure bliss, wanting nothing but to stay this way for eternity, but alas, humans breathe a little too much for your liking then.

So both of you move apart to catch up on your breaths, smiling ear to ear while doing so. Seeing Chan’s smile light up his whole face makes you want to pull him into a kiss again, but your phone begins ringing right then, and you groan as you pick up your phone.

“Oh shit, it’s Mom... she’s probably waiting for me. Shoot!”

You start panic-adjusting yourself when Chan places his hand on your wrist gently. “Hey, breathe. You’re right outside your house... it will take two seconds to go in. Okay?”

You smile and let out a big breath at his calming words. Once you pack your bags and reach to open the door of the car, you feel his hold on your wrist again. You turn around to see his face awfully close to you, his eyes big and glistening.

You raise your eyebrows at him in question, and he says, "Thank you for accepting me to be your boyfriend..." His voice is sincere, deep, and scared. Your own heart is beating at a thousand miles per minute. Before you could begin to think of anything to say, he interrupts. "You don’t have to say anything, princess... If you ever end up feeling the way I’ve felt for years, you know where to find me."

And with that, he himself reaches across you to open the door and gives you a soft smile. You’re too stunned by his confession to form words, so you just pick up your stuff and head home. You might have acted on stage, but having to pretend everything is dandy and normal to your parents is more artistically challenging.

The rest of the night is spent tossing and turning in your bed and replaying Chan’s words. Especially the part where he implied that he's liked you for years. You have already been a wreck with all the negativity with Wooyoung and your hopes getting shattered, but also the happiness with Chan and the multiple impeccable kisses. There are too many emotions swirling in your head, and Chan’s confession only makes the insanity meter go up.

The confusion in your brain is palpable. You type out multiple message drafts to send to Chan and give up eventually, thanking whoever invented the backspace feature.

At the odd hour of 2:45 a.m., you finally give up on sleep and switch on your room lights to try to get schoolwork done. In pure coward fashion, you spent the following two days bedrotting and avvoiding any and every message and call from Chan. Thankfully your excuse of "recovering from the show" seemed to work fine for your parents but Chan kept texting.

Chan: Hey princess, good morning. Hope you're feeling better ❤️ Chan: I want you to take proper rest, but I also want you to talk to me! Chan: Okay, I need to go practice for the big match... talk to you soon The same went on for every session of the day. You could clearly notice he kept texting you whenever he got a break from practice. You felt bad for ignoring him. In fact, you did not understand why you were ignoring. It was clear you liked him too, then what was stopping you from into his arms.

On the other hand, there was the whole mess with Wooyoung. You still had to go back and meet him, after all this. If your plan had gone the way you wanted it too, instead of kissing Chan twice on the day of the show you would've ended the night in Wooyoung's arms and the rest of the year would be paradise in practice.

Instead you're here, pacing in the middle of the ngiht, thinking of quitting your passion just to avoid the tension.

And right as you're about to draft an email to your professoe, a ping from your phone startles you���it's Yeonjun.

Jjunnie: "Why are you awake?"

You look out at his window, confused, only to find the lights in his room also switched on and Yeonjun staring at you. You give him a weak smile, which he returns and gestures for you to open your window. Your smile grows bigger as you pop open the window door, adjust the ladder the two of you had set up between your windows as kids, and watch Yeonjun crawl into your room.

"What brings you here?" you ask as he’s dusting himself off.

He stares at you for a long second and pulls you into his signature bear hug. You let go of all your worries and hug your best friend back—he’s the only one who can see that you need comforting.

After a couple of minutes, both of you settle down on the bed with some chips. He still hasn’t said anything, and you figure you owe him an apology anyway.

"I’m sorry, Jjunie... for everything." He smiles and apologizes back.

After a second, you realize something and whip your head to face your best friend, who had warned you against all this mess.

"You knew, didn’t you?" You couldn’t believe that your speculation could be right, but you had to know for yourself.

He looks confused for a second before he lets out a deep breath and nods. You can feel a big lump forming around your throat and you want Yeonjun to spell it out before your mind jumps into big conclusions, and as your longest and closest friend, he knows this too well.

"Y/n, I told you not to mess with Wooyoung because I knew he’d never treat you the way you thought he would. He is my best friend, but you’re family... I didn’t want you to get hurt. That’s why I told you to stay away."

The hot tears forming behind your eyes are threatening to spill, but you bite your lips and nod at Yeonjun’s words. You couldn’t believe that you lived with an illusion of the person you thought you knew for years. It feels like someone had taken away your pretty-pastel dream box and shattered it into pieces and said that you would never find it again. The lump in your throat is almost suffocating, yet you want to know more.

"And Chan..."

Yeonjun looks at you with a slight smirk, and it irks you.

"Chan was... a curveball I didn’t see coming. Of all the people you could’ve chosen to help you in this charade, I never thought you would choose Chan..."

A smile comes up on your face at the memory of what happened.

"Wait, what..." Yeonjun looks confused at your smile.

"So actually I didn’t ask Chan... after you said no in the locker room... he volunteered. He apparently overheard our conversation and offered to... well... you know..."

Yeonjun starts laughing at the revelation, and it leaves you more confused than you began with, so you start whining for Yeonjun to spill.

"Oh my God! Of course Chan was the one who volunteered! I should've known!"

When he finally calms down, he turns you to face him all serious.

"Y/n, I wish I could tell you everything, but you need to talk to Chan. The only thing I can tell you, though, is..." he boops your nose saying so, "he’s a good guy. Just be patient and talk to him. He should be the one to explain it to youo."

"Oh wow, Jjunie... that was so melodramatic. Just tell me what’s going on, please..." you whine.

"Nah nah nah... I wish... but it’s not my place to. Plus, Chan would kill me." He dramatically enacts being scared, and you playfully hit him in the arm and pout.

"But... I don't know if I want to talk to him. This all happened very bizzarely, one moment I liked Wooyoung and that turned out... not great... What if Chan turns out to be an illusion too?" You can feel your heartrate increase as the words leave your mouth. Yeonjun places his hands on your shoulder to ground you to reality.

"Hey, Y/n, don't be an idiot. Wooyoung was an illusion becuase you were in love with the idea of him. Chan is real! He knows you, and you know him. Just trust me, this is a good thing... I want you to be happy. Just please talk to him. Don't take any stupid decisions on your own"

You sigh. "Alright, I'll talk to him after the big game tomorrow!" "Now that's my girl!" Yeonjun beams at you as you grin brightly.

"Okay okay, you go sleep now. You've got a big game tomorrow Jjunie. And you need to bring your best!" "Aw, thank you!"

And with that, he bids you adieu. Although you are happy to finally make up with your best friend and have fun with him, his words leave boost your confidence.

You decide to finally text back Chan, now that you know what you want.

Y/N: Hey Channie, sorry I couldn't text... was caught up, thinking...

And before you could send all your texts he replies back.

Chan: Oh hi princess ❤️, good to hear from you!

Y/N: Why are you awake? You have a big game tomorrow!!

Chan: Couldn't sleep... a certain someone's silencce was keeping me awake

This drama queen!

Y/N: That's no excuse for an athlete! Y/N: Also I'm really sorry about that... we should talk, but now you need to sleep.

Chan: No sleep is for the weak. All I wanna do is talk! Chan: To you that is

Y/N: We will... after I watch you win the game tomorrow and treat you to victory lunch🥰

Chan: Oohh is that a heart and a smile I see! 🤯 I can't wait to see you tomorrow ♥ Chan: We really do need to talk. Chan: I've been going crazy since that night...

Aw poor Chan...

Y/N: We'll talk... but just know there's nothing to worry about 🥰

The next fifteen minutes is just Chan and you flirting on text until nyou both will yourself to fall asleep. And for the first time in three days, you sleep with a big smile on your face.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Today Chan's kiss was life-changing.

You did not remember how long it had been since you ran across the field to kiss him, but when you broke apart from the kiss- breathless, you felt like a different person.

Chan's full happy laugh fills you up as he holds your face in palms. He feels like a dream.

"Just so you know... I did not kiss you becuae people were watching... or because Wooyoung was watching..."

He raises his eyebrows at your words, a smirk dancing on his face. "Oh?" You can feel a blush creep up on your cheeks, spreading all over you.

"I kissed you because... I 'm just a stupid girl who thought fake relationships is the way to get someone's attention without realizing that there's already someone who gives me eveyrthing I could ask for and more. I am sorry to myself that I didn't understand that before, but I am happy I have you now... because I love you and I want you to be my boyfriend... for real, no rules or contracts." You manage to finally say, you're heart feeling 10x lighter.

Chan's smile feels like it could light up the whole world.

"I've always been ready to be your boyfriend, princess. I am glad you realized it now... I've been a big simp for too long now. " He jokes as your jaw drops to the floor at his revalation.

"Well, you don't have to stop simping now..." you say cheekily, and he laughs- the sound fillling every part of you.

"I don't plan to princess..." And before you could say anything he pulls you in for another soul-altering kiss.

This time you are force to stop due to someone coughing precociously and both of you turn to face Yeonjun. He's standing there with the rest of the team, all of them smiling at you. You feel so shy you shove your face in your hands and they all start laughing.

"Hey lovebirds, I am happy for you both but Chan needs to egt his ass in the locker room to talk with coach!" Yeonjun shouts as he walks away from the field.

"Yeah Yeah I'll be there!" Chan shouts back mid-giggles.

Hearing him you finally let go of Chan and push him towards the locker. He runs forward two steps then turns back, his big smile lighting up his eyes, walks toward you and gives one more tight kiss before running toward the locker rooms.

This man is straiight out of a romcom I swear!

Things weren't perfect now, you still had to figure out how to face Wooyoung in drama practice. But seeing Chan passionately play today, and realizing how much he risked to be with you even when he knew you liked his close friend, you decided to stick it out and try to fix things with Wooyoung.

There's always time to fix things later, for now you want to stay in the lavender haze you're in and enjoy the upcoming summer break with the most romcom-coded, kind-hearted, and hot boyfriend.

Everything else can come after, but now you're feeling high school at it's best and you're going to live it💖.

[ethereallyjade]

Pick a Card: How Will Next Semester Go?

Choose a photo that calls to you and the cards will tell you a message. As always, this is just for fun. Do not take anything seriously or above legal or medical advice. If you're interested in personal tarot readings and want to support me, check out my Paid Readings! Masterlist

1 - 4

Images are not mine

⸻⸻⸻⸻⸻⸻⸻⸻⸻⸻

ℙ𝕚𝕝𝕖 𝟙

It's gonna be real smooth. You're getting it all put together. I'm sensing that many of you may be graduating this semester. Older sibling/senior energy. There's a sense of everything finally coming together or something wrapping up nicely. Something is finished. I'm hearing 'Good riddance!' Signed, sealed, and delivered!

Your grades are going to be gorgeous. There's some kind of celebration, lots of smiling. You're going to feel very happy and abundant this upcoming semester. You'll have all your ducks in a row and feel very ready for whatever is next for you.

ℙ𝕚𝕝𝕖 𝟚

I'm getting a kinda ridged energy here, but you guys will make it through. You might have a really hard class this semester, but I'm seeing that the thing that's standing in your way the most is yourself. Do not be afraid to ask for help: talk to your teachers, find tutors, watch youtube videos, etc. Put the time in. But most of all, don't allow negative thinking to get in your way. Don't tell yourself that you're gonna fail or that you can't do it, especially before the class even starts. That kind of self talk feels like nothing in the moment, but if you keep doing it it will affect you in the long run and not only adds unnecessary stress on you but can lead to other disorders. So, like, nip in before it gets out of hand.

Give yourself the chance, do your best. You might not get the grade you want, but you will pass this class or whatever it may be. Things might start rough or confusing, but I'm seeing that you'll start catching on towards the end. So, just put in that extra work when you can and you'll be fine.

ℙ𝕚𝕝𝕖 𝟛

Similar to the last group, things might be a struggle at first, but you will catch on fast. Are some of you doing something new? A freshman? I keep seeing a young person going into college for the first time. Like, they didn't take things seriously, they were partying, going out to eat too much, hanging with friends, not doing homework, but then something happens and they're like 'Oh sh*t, this is real.' Can you relate to this? I'm seeing that you're gonna get hit with that wave of 'Oh, I actually have to lock in this time around.' There will be no avoidance or immature behavior this semester. The cards are saying to start getting your sh*t together lmao.

Not to wish bad fortune on any of you, but I'm really getting the sense of like... you will fail if you don't put in the effort. Like, go talk with your advisors, talk to your teachers, get a calendar. Everything you need to succeed is right in front of you, but no one can help you if you never ask. Watch your spending habits, don't cheat, do your homework, surround yourself with supportive good people, organize you work and time. This semester is really what you make it.

ℙ𝕚𝕝𝕖 𝟜

I'm seeing giddy, more energetic, friends, and fun. This is a more laid back semester. You've been working hard, been very mature in your schooling so far, and I'm seeing that you'll just be reaping the rewards from your past efforts. Maybe you'll be working on a passion project or doing an internship. Something that doesn't feel like real work, because you'll be so into it. You'll be feeling stable and calm this semester, feeling accomplished and just better.

You might be getting more popular. I keep seeing that kind of student that walks into any room or class and just knows somebody. If that's not you, you might just be a familiar face to a lot of people because they've seen you all over campus or at events. Either way, others are starting to recognize you for something. If you don't have good and supportive friends already, you might find them this semester.

[delulu4anime]

Maniac

Prologue

Pairings ➧ᴇɴᴇᴍʏ ᴛᴏ ʟᴏᴠᴇʀ!ꜱᴀᴛᴏʀᴜ ɢᴏᴊᴏ x ᴄʜᴜʙʙʏ!ʀᴇᴀᴅᴇʀ

Summary ➧ᴀꜰᴛᴇʀ ᴛᴇɴ ʏᴇᴀʀꜱ ᴏꜰ ᴛʀʏɪɴɢ ᴛᴏ ᴀᴠᴏɪᴅ ʜɪᴍ ᴏɴᴇ ᴍᴏᴍᴇɴᴛ ᴍᴀᴋᴇꜱ ɪᴛ ᴜɴᴀᴠᴏɪᴅᴀʙʟᴇ. ʜᴇ'ꜱ ᴀ ᴍᴀɴɪᴀᴄ ɪꜰ ʜᴇ ᴛʜɪɴᴋꜱ ʏᴏᴜ'ʟʟ ᴇᴠᴇʀ ꜰᴀʟʟ ꜰᴏʀ ʜɪᴍ ᴀɢᴀɪɴ.

Trigger Warnings ➧ᴘʟᴇᴀꜱᴇ ʀᴇᴀᴅ ᴡᴀʀɴɪɴɢꜱ ʜᴇʀᴇ ʙᴇꜰᴏʀᴇ ᴇᴀᴄʜ ᴄʜᴀᴘᴛᴇʀ ᴇᴠᴇɴ ɪꜰ ᴛʜᴇʀᴇ ɪꜱ ɴᴏ ꜱᴍᴜᴛ.

Word Count ➧ 2ᴋ+

Taglist ➧ @lady-of-blossoms (ɪꜰ ʏᴏᴜ ᴡᴀɴᴛ ᴛᴏ ʙᴇ ᴛᴀɢɢᴇᴅ ᴊᴜꜱᴛ ʟᴍᴋ❣︎)

The sun had been overbearing for most of the day but you could escape the cruel rays under the shade of the trees that surrounded the court yard of the school; you always liked sitting outside during breaks to get a breath of fresh air no matter what season it is. Although it was almost September the warmer weather still lingered which meant other students had the same idea to soak up the feeling of being outside on break between classes before heading right back into the stuffy classrooms. During the warmer seasons you wore your navy blue sweater vest with the golden buttons that had the Jujutsu High design engraved on it. You absentmindedly tugged on the sleeve of your white shortsleeved button up shirt you wore underneath as you looked through your calculus textbook. You crisscrossed your legs finding yourself now tugging against the fabric of the navy blue shorts that you and many other girls choose to wear in the heat.

The uniforms were a commonality however, everyone still had their own sense of style when it came to how they expressed themselves with their uniform. You looked up to see a few girls walking by in the navy blue skirts that the school offered as the other choice to the uniform and you hated yourself for envying their confidence to wear them. You shook your head as if the negative thoughts would go away as you looked back down at your text book. This would be the year you'd gain more confidence, the determination to wear a skirt by the end of the year had been on your mind since you took your entrance exam last year. You were in high school now and there was no reason to hide behind clothes that made you feel safe when you could be like so many others at Jujutsu High who expressed themselves freely.

You uncrossed your legs and stretched them out in front of you as you turned the page still not being able to find the answer. You sighed as you looked over at your best friend in hopes he could help you find the formula to the homework you had been searching for with no luck. You and Nanami Kento were in the same honors calculus class and despite his sincere disposition you two had become friends quickly. You put your all in each of your classes but you found yourself telling Kento repeatedly that he should apply himself more to his studies. He was incredibly intelligent but you knew it was like talking to a brick wall; he could be very stubborn when he wanted to be.

"Kento please tell me you were able to find it. I still haven't seen it and I feel like I've been looking for forever." You asked and looked over to see him laying on his back with one arm crossed over his face. His other arm laid on top of the book he was suppose to be looking through with you. He also had his legs stretched out in front of him with his ankles crossed over one another.

"Class doesn't start for another ten minutes so why don't you relax and ask the teacher when we get back to class." Kento said without moving. "It's too hot to think about any of that right now." He complained which caused you to roll your eyes.

"Well maybe if you didn't wear your winter uniform year round it wouldn't be an issue." You said as you looked back down at your text book for a second only to realize maybe he was right. Besides the homework wasn't due for another few days so you had time to relax.

All you had been doing since the beginning of the semester was study, homework, study dates with Kento, more homework, followed by more studying. You felt like you barely had any time to do anything else. You knew you didn't have to push yourself this hard; you had been the top of your class so it was no surprise when you passed entrance exams with flying colors. When you went to go pick your classes your guidance counselor advised for you to go on and take more advanced classes which you agreed to. You figured being younger than most of the upperclassmen would leave you isolated most of the year but thanks to Kento that was no longer a concern. Although you were a first year and Nanami was a third year you both became inseparable immediately. You enjoyed his company and he might deny it at first if anyone asked him but you knew he enjoyed your company too.

You closed your book, set it down on the cool grass next to you, and leaned back onto your hands. You observe the sea of students around you once again watching as some headed to their next class, ate, or chatted with their friends under the shade of the trees like Kento and you did. One group of students in the center of the courtyard caught you attention; well one person in particular caught you attention. You watched as Satoru Gojo sat on top of an old wooden picnic table as he took a bite of a candy bar it looked like he had just opened. You watched as he laughed and ran his fingers through his snow white hair.

Although his eyes were hiding behind the dark round sunglasses, he always seem to wear no matter what, you knew his eyes had crinkled at the corners like they usually did when he was genially happy. Like Kento, Satoru also liked to wear his winter uniform all year round. You felt yourself starting to sweat more looking at the way his arms wrapped around his stomach as he continued his unbridled laughter at his friends joke. The long sleeves of his navy blue jacket falling at his wrist while his navy blue pants stretched perfectly over his long legs. Your eyes watched as Hina, his long term girlfriend, who was sitting next to Satoru moved her hand against his thigh to get his attention.

You had actually heard a rumor they were no longer dating yet there she was sitting so close to him and touching him in ways you swore only girlfriends did. Your eyes moved to his face as you watched him lean down so she could whisper something into his ear. As he leaned down she brought her hand up to cover her mouth just in case anyone, like you, were watching them to try and keep the conversation private. You watched as his eyes looked out straight ahead, those blue eyes peering over those dark round glasses, making eye contact with you which caused your face to heat up. You quickly looked away at anything else but those stunning eyes.

"Shit, he caught me staring at him again." You muttered as you started to play with a loose string attached to your sweater.

"Who?" Kento's voice was a little hoarse which meant he had fallen asleep again.

"Who else?" You groaned hating yourself knowing Kento was just going to tease you for it.

"Ah, him. Why do I even bother asking who anymore." He said as removed his arm from over his eyes.

He squinted his eyes looking over at you which only earned him a glare from you.

"I don't see what you and the rest of the girls see in him. He's an idiot." Kento said before moving his arm right back over his face again.

"No he's not." You argued as you looked at Kento as he peaked out from under his arm.

"How would you know? You've only talked to him a hand full of times and only because he came over to annoy me."

"Oh shut up," You said. "You know how shy I get around him." You pout.

"I heard a rumor that Hina and Satoru broke up. It's hard to tell when they still look pretty close." You say nervously hoping that Kento would confirm that they had broken up for good this time.

"Who knows with those two. They have been on again, off again since grade school." He said but you could tell he was starting to drift back to sleep.

"Part of me hopes the rumor is true." You said.

"What rumor?" Someone spoke up which caused you both to look to the person that had wandered over to your spot.

You almost choked on the intake of air that quickly tired to enter your body and found yourself trying to adjust your shorts over your plush thighs. Satoru smiled down at you as he watched you fiddle with your shorts.

"Gojo," Kento groaned and propped himself up on his elbows to get a better look at him. "What do you want?"

"Was coming over to say hey to you and the little peach you're always with when I couldn't help but overhear what you were talking about and I'm intrigued." He said as he reached up and tapped a fingertip against the frame of his glasses. You could see just how stunning his blue eyes were.

You felt like your head was spinning and you couldn't focus on anything. He called you a peach? On top of that you can't remember the last time you had been this close to Satoru let alone actually had him say anything to you other than an 'excuse me' when he accidentally bumped into you in the hall way or asking if you had see Kento after class a few times.

"She was wondering if the rumors about you and Hina breaking up were true." Kento said which caused you to cut your eyes at him.

"Nanami!" You barked out and looked at Satoru mortified that Kento had been so blunt with him.

"What? He was just going to pester us until we told him what he wanted to know." Kento shrugged as he sat up.

"He's right." Satoru laughed. "And to answer your question peach we've been broken up for a while now. Why do you ask? Were you interested?" He teased as he straightened up so you couldn't see those blue eyes anymore.

You felt like you lost your voice and all you could manage to do was blink up at him. You were already embarrassed by the admission no thanks to Kento but you couldn't say the words.

"Because," Satoru said dragging out the last syllable of the word. "I was starting get jealous of Nanami here always hogging you. Why don't you and I go out after school? We could meet up at the koi pond near the entrance. There's a new bakery in town I've wanted to try out." He said as he smiled down at you.

He was really asking you out? The Sataro Gojo, the boy you had the biggest crush on, hell the boy the whole damn school had the biggest crush on was asking you out? Suddenly you heard the bell ring.

"So? What do you say." He said.

You furrowed your eyebrows at the way his voice started to sound distorted.

"Will you go out with me?" He said before everything went black.

You felt like your body was floating when suddenly you stopped and landed right in front of your schools entrance. You looked around as dusk had fallen and you were confused as to why you were here. Suddenly loud laughter caught your attention but before you could figure out who it had come from a bright light seemed to flash around you. You tried to cover your eyes but it was no use with how blinding it was. You soon realized that not only could you hear laughter but you heard the sound of the camera snapping picture after picture of you.

"Oh my god! I can't believe she actually fell for it!"

"Ew, look at how desperate she is. Who would wait this long for someone who isn't coming?"

"You know this was all a joke right? He thinks you are no better than an animal at the zoo."

All these voice barking out at you along with the laughter only getting louder and louder. You fell to your knees and covered yourself with your arms as you felt your chest tighten. Their voices soon started to be drowned out by beeping. Over and over again.

Beep, Beep, Beep.

©ᴅᴇʟᴜʟᴜ4ᴀɴɪᴍᴇ 2025 ᴀʟʟ ʀɪɢʜᴛꜱ ʀᴇꜱᴇʀᴠᴇᴅ

ʀᴇᴛᴜʀɴ ᴛᴏ ᴍᴀɴɪᴀᴄ ᴍᴀꜱᴛᴇʀʟɪꜱᴛ

ʀᴇᴛᴜʀɴ ᴛᴏ ᴛʜᴇ ᴍᴜꜱʜʀᴏᴏᴍ ᴊᴇʟʟʏꜰɪꜱʜ ᴇxʜɪʙɪᴛ

[evermourner]

how to deal with failure when all you know how to do is beat up yourself (as an adhder)

please read this if you are a chronic self-loather like myself.

i used to hate myself for everything i did; the way i talk and walk, my accomplishments, my daily activities, how i cannot keep up with my peers, all that jazz. and especially as a late-diagnosed adhder this gets worse overtime. i ended up getting into a 6-month burnout, failed 3 classes and have to extend one semester, and i had lost my identity as a person.

overall i was just a breathing, walking flesh with depressive thoughts every day.

but after many many months of rediscovering myself, i have come up with the conclusion that life gets easier when i don't fucking hate myself.

shocker, right? ik this is probably like a 'obviously' type of thing, but i think many ppl with adhd can confirm that this is one of the hardest pills to swallow.

but trust me, you don't need to feel bad!!! and i will tell you how to do it down below. pls read, i hope it helps.

(keep in mind im not a psychiatrist or a therapist btw i just wanna help fellow ppl with adhd)

reminder #1: adhd makes you more prone to making mistakes - beating yourself up for every failure is torture.

as people with adhd, we are more prone to making more mistakes and questionable decisions. we are just built that way. we can work on it, but that's our baseline.

self loathing encourages you to beat up your baseline. your default state. your non-productive mode.

beating yourself up for making a mistake is literally like beating up a cat for sleeping. humans are bound to make mistakes, and us with adhd are bound to make more. it's fine, let yourself breathe. im not saying we cannot do anything right or that our mistakes are permissible, but missing an alarm clock or forgetting things we want to say are not surprising. it's just embedded inside us, so either be miserable for the rest of your life or work on reframing your thoughts on failure in general.

reminder #2: you can learn how to be better even if you don't beat yourself up for it

these neurotypical adults who tell you that you should feel bad about failing are stupid. and whoever tell you that negative reinforcement is needed for you to get better are the dumbest motherfuckers ever.

you don't need to feel bad to ge better.

in fact, once you don't feel too bad about it, you can focus more on how to do better in the future instead of replaying the past over and over again.

literally after almost failing college, i only realized that i should not be hard on myself. literally. i remember deciding i should try being nice on myself and now boom! i feel better AND i actually have been working towards fixing my life more and more.

and you know whats the best part?? i can finally start enjoying my life again!!

reminder #3: not everything you do is a failure. seriously.

this is a thought pattern i keep seeing in every person with adhd.

"nothing i can do is right" WRONG!!!! you do some things wrong but you also do some things right!!!! quit discrediting yourself

now try acknowledging your failures:

cry about it first. let yourself sit in and feel your feelings first. you can continue after you finish crying about it

do some form of meditation that helps you clear out your mind. i suggest just 5 minutes or until you don't feel as heavy anymore

let yourself know that failing is an action and consequence, not a part of your identity. it is not you: you are someone who succeeds and fails sometimes. you can fail, but that does not mean everything you do will be a failure.

identify what kind of failure you're thinking about , why you feel so shitty about it, and what you should do for next time. it'd be good if you could write this down. here is an example from me:

failure: failing out of class

what happened: i failed bc i kept procrastinating and ended up sleeping in, so i could not submit on time

consequences of event: i had to retake the class, paid a significant amount of money, and now i cant graduate on time with my friends

why i feel shitty: i feel so left behind and stupid. i feel like this is such a stupid mistake that was easily avoidable.

and now i have so many thoughts in my mind right now, like "how can i be so stupid? how can i be so careless? this is such a stupid mistake."

now notice. if you also think like this, you are actively judging yourself. you are being so mean to yourself, and for what? would you ever told your friends they are so stupid and dumb for making careless mistakes? even if it's stupid, you wouldn't say it to their faces.

after identifying everything, confirm what actually happened, reframe your thoughts, and apologize to yourself:

"How can I be so careless?" -> It's not intentional, and I did try my best to work on it. It's not my fault my executive dysfunction took over the better part of me.

"How can I be so stupid?" -> Just because I cannot initiate tasks as well as the others, it doesn't mean i'm stupid. i am pretty good at other things, i cannot expect myself to be good at everything.

"This is such a stupid mistake." -> It is stupid, and that's... okay. It's fine. I accept it, I'll work on how to make it better in the future.

when you combat negative thoughts, make sure you combat them not only with facts but also with empathy and future action-focused thoughts.

the key is to focus on what you can do now, not what you should have done.

because focusing on the past is very very unhelpful.

now please focus on what you can do now:

Make small goals for the future.

What you should not say:

"I promise I will try harder to focus" -> Nope, you are relying on your ADHD symptom to not be ADHD anymore... which is impossible.

"I promise I won't forget next time" -> Same thing.

"I promise I will make a routine that I will stick to" -> This is too idealist, don't commit to anything for a long run, it's just setting yourself up for more failure.

What you should say instead:

"Next time, I will try to write it down so I won't forget next time" -> Tell yourself the clear steps on what you need to do. You cannot rely on your brain to just be better, come up with actions that can support you!

"Next time, I will set more alarms and ask a friend to remind me. In fact, I will do it now" -> Commit to things you can do immediately! The faster, the better so you won't lose this momentum. Stop thinking that your future self is 100% reliable. Always assume you need to do it as soon as possible to help yourself in the future.

"Next time, I will try out this routine and see if it works or not" -> Experiment with routines. Routines don't last long, so don't give youreelf empty promises. Instead, accept that your routine will chance every once in a while so you need to learn what works or not.

Apologize and forgive yourself

Say sorry to yourself.

It's normal to make mistakes, and it's unrealistic to think you won't make more.

Move on

Seriously. Don't sit on it too much.

Once you know what you need to do to not fail in the future and you have written it down... just let it go.

You don't need to feel bad to grow. You don't need to feel bad to be better.

You are allowed to feel good about yourself.

In fact, you should feel better about yourself now because you are showing your commitment to getting better by reading this long ass post.

Pat yourself in the back.

Failure has its consequences already, you don't need to punish yourself more. Please get something nice.

Failing is EXHAUSTING. Please give yourself a snack or some gaming time.

Allow yourself to breathe.

We are humans, we are not failures. We succeed and fail sometimes, not all the time.

Be nice to yourself, you have been through a lot.

[wrongbodies]

The Mindweft pt. 4 Conclusion

The end of the semester came and went, and Martin remained in Gray's body. He had come to accept his life as it was. Morally, he had grappled with the idea Billy had suggested - stealing someone else's body. However, it seemed impossibly cruel.

After a few months, Martin was starting to get comfortable. Enough so, that he was amused he once felt disgusted by this body. He reckoned that most people aren't inherently ugly or gross. The matter of caring about one's health and cleanliness was the more important factor, generally. After all, even in the beginning just changing Gray's habits was enough to provoke some major changes.

Over time, the oils in his scalp were brought under control with proper showering and shampooing. Then, the acne faded considerably with attention to treating it, and changes to his diet. Strangely, the hardest piece of Gray's life to change was his wardrobe. Gray was just not flush with cash, so when Martin stepped into his shoes, he was under-equipped to make any major overhaul.

With time though, and effort, he made it happen. By midsummer, living at Gray's family home was no challenge. Sure, there were often awkward moments when past events or family members were "forgotten" but they seemingly paid no mind. They were just happy their son was finally presenting nicely. They even took it quite well when Martin came out to them, which made it easier for him to exist without hiding yet another facet of his true identity.

The one major negative came during July. Martin had been keeping close tabs on his real body. While he was comfortable enough now, there was still a hope in the back of his mind that he might one day be able to settle back into his original flesh. But that hope was dashed permanently when Gray died in the hospital. It seems there was an undetected blood clot that caused Martin's body to pass over night. His former family was consoled only that he felt nothing, and was finally able to rest in peace.

While his friends did reach out to express their sorrow and regret, a strange sense of determination fell upon Martin's shoulders. This was permanent. And he now had no reason to cling to some escape. He even realized that had Gray recovered from the coma, it would be a long time until his body would have been healthy and whole, potentially even permanently racked with injuries and disabilities.

But here, in Gray's body, he was healthy and becoming someone that people found genuinely attractive. Even though he always had a vaguely dorky appearance, the eyesight being something he just accepted as it was, he was still cute in a way that attracted attention he hadn't had before. He was pleased to fuck around the town on the break, but when he got back to college for the next semester, he wanted to try and find something stable.

In the end, there would always be some sadness thinking about the life he lost, the people who were now strangers to him. Sadder still, that they would never know their son, sibling, friend, was actually still alive. Just bearing a new face. But as all changes are, there are upsides as well as the downsides. And living as Gray afforded Martin chances to remake himself, as no one else really can.

As the next semester approached, he became excited to see just where he would go. And one last resolution came to be for Martin. Martin was gone. Sure, he was still himself inside this body... but with no route back to his old life, it made sense just to become Gray fully. In body, and name. And so he did, Gray was at peace. Well, peace and lots of sex.

NOTE:

I wanted to add one more piece to this. The idea of a catharsis for someone in an unwanted swap seems good to me. I don't always want the people to suffer in my stories. But I love a good nerdy swap.

[jellyjuicer]

Jinx x Ekko (College AU!)

Compromise

(Ch. 1.)

Chapter 1.

In the dimly lit dorm room, Jinx flopped onto her bed, surrounded by piles of dirty laundry and empty energy drink cans. Her grades had just been posted, and she was less than thrilled. A big, fat 'F' stared back at her from the screen of her laptop, mocking her. Except it was not an F, it was a C+; but at this point they’re equals. She let out a loud sigh and tossed her phone onto the bed, where it landed with a soft thud. Ekko, her roommate and fellow student, poked his head into the room. "Hey, Jinx, what's wrong?" he asked, his eyes scanning the messy space.

Jinx groaned and buried her face in her pillow, “I mayyyy or may not have failed my psychology class. Again."

Ekko chuckled and sat down beside her. "Well, you can't exactly blame yourself., You did spend most of the semester pulling pranks on Caitlyn."

Jinx lifted her head, a mischievous glint in her eye. "Hey, that's not the point, The point is I'm a freaking genius and I shouldn't be failing anything."

Ekko raised an eyebrow. "A genius? I mean, love the confidence but from where I'm standing, it looks like you're more of a..creative problem solver…”

Jinx shot him a sarcastic grin, but Ekko just laughed and ruffled her hair. "Don't worry, I'm sure you'll get 'em next time. Now, want to come with me to the cafe and grab some dinner?"

“Fine, but you’re paying.”

As they walked to the cafeteria, they ran into Vi, who was sitting at a table, downing a cup of coffee. "Hey, guys! What's up?"

Jinx plopped down beside her, still looking sulky, “I failed my psych class. Ekko's being annoyingly cheerful about it."

“She got a C+, it’s not that serious,” Ekko chimed in. Vi snorted, “Well, someone's got to balance out your negativity, Jinx. Besides, it's not the end of the world. You can always retake the class..or just bribe the professor with one of your infamous pranks."

Jinx perked up at the suggestion, but Ekko shot her down. "No way, Jinx, you're not bribing anyone. You're going to study hard and pass that class the honest way."

Jinx pouted, but eventually, the three of them got into a lively discussion about everything from their favorite video games to their plans for the upcoming summer break, which was another 5 months around the corner, but hey, who’s counting?

As the night wore on, Jinx found herself stealing glances at Ekko, who was laughing and joking with Vi. She couldn't help but notice the way his eyes crinkled at the corners, or the way his hair curled slightly at the nape of his neck. As they left the cafeteria, Ekko turned to Jinx and said, "Hey, I want to show you something that might help you with your schoolwork."

Jinx raised an eyebrow, intrigued

“What is it??”

Ekko grinned. "It's a game, but not just any game. It's an educational game that can actually help you with your psychology class."

Jinx snorted, "A game? You really think a game is going to help me pass my class?"

Ekko chuckled. "Hear me out, hear me out, this game is actually really helpful, and it's fun too. It's all about interactive simulations and puzzles that teach you about different psychological concepts."

Jinx shrugged, but her curiosity was piqued. "Okay, fine. Show me."

*•*•*•*•*•*•*

They walked back to their dorm room, the tension between them still palpable. As they entered the room, Ekko closed the door behind them and booted up his laptop.

"Okay, so this game is called 'Mind Loop'," he explained, opening up the game on his laptop. "It's all about building and navigating different mental landscapes, and it teaches you about different psychological theories and concepts."

Jinx watched, fascinated, as Ekko showed her the game. She was surprised by how engaging and interactive it was, and she found herself actually enjoying it. As they played, Ekko sat next to her on the floor, their shoulders touching. Jinx felt a flutter in her chest, but she tried to ignore it, focusing on the game instead. And as the night wore on, they got more and more into the game, competing with each other to see who could solve the puzzles faster. But as the hours passed, Jinx started to feel her eyelids getting heavy.

Ekko noticed and smiled. "Hey, you're getting tired. Why don't we take a break?"

Jinx nodded, and Ekko closed the laptop. They sat there in silence for a moment, the only sound the hum of the computer.

Then, without thinking, Ekko reached out and wrapped his arms around Jinx, pulling her into a hug. Jinx felt a rush of emotions, but she didn't pull away. Instead, she hugged him back, feeling a sense of comfort and security that she hadn't felt in a long time.

As they hugged, Jinx felt her eyes getting heavier and heavier. She rested her head on Ekko's shoulder, feeling his warmth and his heartbeat. And before she knew it, she was falling asleep, Ekko's arms still wrapped around her. She felt him relax, his body sinking into the floor as he fell asleep too.

[elytrafemme]

long theoretical post about my friend hugging me

like. to dissect a matter that none of you are involved in and then i'll delete in the morning: my friend in college hugged me about ten minutes ago and i don't understand why. he's a physically affectionate person so we knew it was bound to happen, it was a running joke between us that we'd like schedule our hug to happen. nothing extraordinary happened tonight. in the second half -- which is when i spent the most time with him -- i was so fucked up that i barely processed what was going on? i was listening to what he was telling me, he just rambled about stuff, and it's interesting and i could recite all of it if asked and the expression he made at each part, but there was absolutely nothing in my head. and he never asked if i was okay which i think he would have if he thought something was wrong, because he's done that before. and we were alone so he could have and there would have been zero consequences. but he didn't ask me what was wrong, so it's hard to assume that the hug was for emotional consolation reasons. he wouldn't have noticed me on the brink of tears, either, he's not that observant. i would have known if he had. and i didn't do anything truly kind to him today, i listened to him talk about his interests and we hung out for a while, but that's what we do all the time. nothing happened. there was the chair thing but i thought i played that off well, i tried to have a coherent narrative about it an hour later too so he would guess what i had hoped, and i think i was successful. he wasn't distressed, i would have known. and he was tired but he's been tired a lot before and he's never acted like this. so he had zero reason to hug me unless he maybe sensed that this entire time i just really fucking wanted him to hug me, but he wouldn't have, and i would never have voiced that, because i don't want him to see me at that level. but i needed that hug badly. and i don't understand why i received it.

[avonne-writes]

Did Bucky ever consider breaking up with Gale in the early days of college? He would obviously never cheat on him, but like you said there's a lot of pressure to perform a certain hetero way (and I don't just mean being straight I mean the constantly hitting on girls, partying, etc.) and did that ever appeal to him more than just fitting in?

I know he loves Gale very very much, but I wouldn't *blame* him if in the midst of his insecurity he wondered if being in a long-term relationship in college was too much (I'm thinking of Shawn Hunter from boy meets world when he first gets into college).

Obviously he didn't, and probably never even mentioned this to Gale. I'm just wondering if it ever crossed his mind, or if someone suggested it and he was like "no??????? Why would i ever do that he's my everything?????" And then was super ticked off at whoever suggested it forever

I love this question, thank you for sending it!

In the environment he gets exposed to in college, it’s inevitable that he thinks about it. There are times when he imagines what it would be like to be able to just do whatever he wants at parties, to fuck whoever he wants and to fit in with his jock teammates. There are girls flirting with him at every party, and he can’t help but wonder what sex with a woman would be like.

So, it does flit through his mind a few times, but there are much stronger emotional forces that affect him, and those squash it immediately.

Gale is his home, his anchor. At this point in their lives, Bucky's attached to him to a somewhat unhealthy degree.

He doesn’t want to be like his father. The idea sickens him.

Bucky doesn’t know what no strings attached sex feels like, but he feels a wave of negative emotions when he thinks of exchanging his love for that.

He remembers how shitty it felt to break up with Gale a few months into their relationship and how much he missed him in the days until they made up. He’s scared to imagine how it would feel after almost 4 years of dating.

I think he and Gale have a few honest conversations about this after their first semester.

They both experience people advising them to separate or asking them why they don’t break up. If it's asked with good intentions, Bucky can quickly turn such conversations into praising Gale and their relationship. If it’s said as an insult to Gale, he’ll tell the other person it’s not their fucking business.

It’s a general fact in their adult relationship that Gale is more likely to consider separation than Bucky.

[bloomzone]

The exam prep season is officially here, and I’m not holding back. I’m done being distracted by negativity or anyone who thinks they can bring me down. their opinions? Not my problem anymore I don't give sh . I know my worth, I know what I’m capable of, and I’m done letting anything get in the way of what I want to achieve.

It’s all about focus rn studying, growing, working, and leveling up. I’m not just going to get through this semester. I’m going to ate it. I’ve got goals to meet, dreams to build, and no one, not even my own doubts, is going to stop me. I’m putting in the work, I’m trusting the process, and I’m letting go of anything that’s not moving me forward.

This is my time. No excuses, no distractions. I’m stepping into this season with purpose, determination, and a mindset that says, “I’ve got this.” The best version of me is already in the making, and nothing is going to get in my way.

[octuscle]

If a nerd in highschool suddenly gained muscular body, without an effect on his brains or mental state

How quickly would he actually, naturally change? Maybe the attention gives him an ego?

Or maybe the jocks want to be his friend

How much of a jock could the nerd become?

Project diary, entry 1 (Friday)

My name is Salomon Miller. I live in Providence, Connecticut and am a senior in high school. I wouldn't say I have any real hobbies, but I am interested in art history, architecture, astronomy and geology. And many other things. I read a lot and actually everything I can get my hands on. But my passion is sociology and political science. That's also one of the reasons why I'm writing this diary. Starting next semester, I will be studying at Stanford and have a full scholarship, which is linked to my participation in a project. The Department of Sociology will use my person to investigate the effects of serious physical changes on the psyche and behavior. I won't find out in advance what the physical changes are, but the changes were set in motion with the help of an injection that I received today.

My parents support me in the project. My father is a lawyer specializing in environmental law, my mother is a neurologist and psychiatrist. Neither of them understand why I chose to study sociology, but as they both studied at Stanford, they accept my plans. They don't have many options either, they are both in Europe for a long time. My mother has a research semester at the University Hospital of Heidelberg and my father is currently representing a client in a lengthy case at the European Court of Justice. I've known this situation since I was a child. I'm used to having our gardener or Consuela, our housekeeper, as my social contact. That's not meant in a negative way, I love my parents, even if our contact is often less intensive. This has taught me a certain independence, which I really appreciate.

Today is the Friday evening before the last weekend of the summer vacation. The date was chosen deliberately for the injection. This gives me until Monday morning to get used to the upcoming transformation. At the moment, I feel nothing more than a certain tiredness. Normally I would go for a long walk or read something. But I'm just exhausted and will go to bed early.

Project diary, entry 2 (Saturday)

I woke up at around 03:00 in the morning. I was scared to death. I was almost strangled by my pyjamas. I tried to rip the top off my body. I tore it completely to shreds. I was no longer wearing my pyjama bottoms, which were already lying in tatters in my bed. It was clear to me that the transformation had begun. And a look in the bathroom mirror gave me certainty. My whole body was twitching, just like I'd seen in a Hulk movie. Except I didn't turn green. But my muscles literally grew. In fact, little else has changed. I am still clearly me. Even though my neck was already wider than my head, which is why I almost suffocated in my pyjamas, this was still my face. My hairstyle unchanged. My eyesight was also the same. Fortunately, the head can't get any more muscular, the glasses still fit. My thoughts were running amok in my head, I can't describe the feeling, especially as the cramps didn't stop and the muscles continued to grow. I lay down on my bed and tried to relax. At around 04:30 the cramps subsided and I fell asleep again from exhaustion.

When I woke up at around 09:45, I was lying sticky and sweaty in a dried up puddle of semen. Obviously I had ejaculated once or several times. After getting up, I went to the bathroom to assess the change. According to the scales, I now weigh 120 kilograms (I assume that documentation in metric units is more scientific), my height is unchanged at 182 cm. What has actually changed is the length of my penis, which is now 18 cm when flaccid. I have not yet been able to measure the length when erect. In fact, I would have thought that the sight of a muscular man would somehow excite me. But my head has been working like crazy since I got up, I suppose my blood is needed in my brain and is not available for an erection. The shower was still an incredible experience. My body feels great. I had no idea what muscles felt like. However, I realized while showering that I had a problem: None of my clothes would fit me anymore. And my father is smaller than me and, like I was until yesterday, is also more of an ectomorph. My only hope was that José, our gardener, who is probably almost as muscular as me and about my height, had some of his clothes in the dirty laundry. He and Consuela both don't work at the weekend and I didn't want to invade his room.

I was actually lucky and managed to find a pair of jeans, a jockstrap, a T-shirt and a pair of tennis socks in the laundry. Everything smelled very unpleasant and at first I thought about washing it first and then putting it on, but then decided against it. Instead, I went to the mall as I was to buy something new to wear. There is an expense account from the project, which is presumably intended for exactly these cases. Shopping really was an ordeal. As usual, I went to Macy's at Providence Place Mall first, but I realized pretty quickly that I wasn't going to find anything in my size there besides clothes for gym class. Then I went to Abercrombie & Fitch for the first time. The sales assistants literally pounced on me. The XXL T-shirts fitted reasonably well, my thighs were too big for the jeans, but shorts were fine. Fortunately, the weather forecast for the next few days is still very good.

Even though I was extremely focused on quickly working through my shopping list and getting back home, I didn't miss the effect I had on my body. Not only did the sales clerks pay much more attention to me, people turned to me, nodded appreciatively at me and greeted me. It all made me extremely uncomfortable. I was glad when I got home again.

Project diary, entry 3 (Sunday)

I'm not really a religious person, but I value the institution of the church as a culturally integrating entity. So I probably would have actually gone to church, but I would have been very uncomfortable in shorts and low-cut t-shirts that exposed my chest. So I spent the day making up my bed, doing the laundry and getting ready for the first day of school after the vacations. My story for teachers and classmates will be that I spent the summer in Europe with my parents and discovered my enthusiasm for the gym out of boredom. I have no idea whether this story will be accepted. As much as possible, I completed the course enrollment online. Because I really have no idea what I can do with this body, I signed up for boxing and wrestling. The alternative would have been football, but I have no experience at all with team and ball sports. Swimming used to be the sport I hated the least, but a few laps in our pool today have shown me that my body has become less streamlined. Although I have a lot more strength, my times are worse than usual.

I have signed up again for the astronomy and chess clubs. Apart from that, I thought it made sense to leave myself enough time to be able to react to unexpected events.

My first real test was my Sunday video conference with my parents. As I can't hide anything, I decided to take the offensive and had the conversation in nothing but my swimming trunks by the pool. Even though I had no real idea of my parents' reaction, I was actually taken aback. My mother scientifically dissected the situation and said that my body was probably more efficient now and therefore I would have a benefit gain. My father disagreed, as he assumed that a bulkier body had a worse ecological balance. In the beginning, I tried to approach this project as objectively as possible. But then I couldn't help but start crying. I was afraid of tomorrow. And my parents actually showed something like emotion and compassion.

Project diary, entry 4 (Monday)

I was expecting something like running the gauntlet. But the first day at school was actually relatively unproblematic. Most of my friends at least pretended to believe my story about my stay in Europe. The teachers were not surprised either and largely went straight back to business as usual. The only noticeable reaction came from the musclemen and jocks. I have the feeling that they never took their eyes off me. When there was eye contact, I received a respectful nod. Otherwise, I felt a bit like a foreign lion approaching a pride of lions. Every muscle of the alpha animals and their water carriers was tense and ready to strike if I got too close to their watering hole. I'm looking forward to my first PE lesson tomorrow.

Project diary, entry 6 (Tuesday)

While the morning was more of a triumph, the afternoon was a debacle. The subject matter in chemistry and physics suits me very well, everything is very interesting. There shouldn't be any significant challenges in Spanish lessons either. But the new Spanish teacher is also an advantage here. Based on her first impression, she probably thought I was a hollow nut. She didn't expect me to have already read Don Quixote in the original and in the contemporary Spanish transcription during the vacations.

I embarrassed myself to the bone in gym class. Of course, after my contrived lie, everyone assumed that I knew my way around the gym like the back of my hand. And I don't even know how to hold a barbell properly. Interestingly, no one laughed at me or anything. On the contrary, they all assumed that I'm extremely underchallenged and told me that I should just train for myself and that I should join them next week after I've learned the basics. But maybe that was just polite contempt.

In any case, I spent the whole afternoon and evening at home watching all the gym tutorials I could get hold of and reading everything I could find about bodybuilding, nutrition and supplements. That's why I skipped the first session of the chess club. But I had to prioritize.

Project diary, entry 7 (Wednesday)

Theory is good, practice is better. That's why I went straight to the gym this morning at 06:00. The school janitor who opened the door for me said appreciatively that my discipline was paying off. The big boys are always the first to arrive in the morning. If only he knew. But in fact I was lucky, I was alone on the training area until 07:00 and by then I had familiarized myself with most of the machines I had learned how they worked in theory and had also developed a feeling for the weights I was able to lift.

The second visitor to the gym after me was the quarterback of the football team. Stephen and I have been at the same school since first grade. Of course I know him. But of course he has no idea who I am. We've never had classes together and someone like me is of course a nobody to him. Or was a nobody to him. Now I was his biggest rival, the only classmate who had bigger biceps and a broader chest than him. And being the alpha male that he was, he sought conflict directly. As far as I know, the jocks and Himbo's call it "cock comparison". Wherever I trained, he did the same afterwards with more weight. After training, he waited for me in front of the shower and said that he had already heard about me. I was the Spanish exchange student. I looked at him questioningly. "Well, the one who had that book with the windmills and the crazy knight at school. The linebacker goes to your Spanish course. Clever to take Spanish as a Spaniard," he said. I shook his hand, introduced myself as Salomon and told him we were in the same kindergarten. He returned the offered hand with a fist bump and said that I must have mistaken him. He had never been to Spain. But I spoke very good English for a Spaniard.

I always prefer to spend my lunch break alone. I like to read or just relax. This time, however, Stephen waved me straight over to him and his boys. He introduced me as Sal and said I should tell him how I liked it in the USA. At first, I wanted to start comparing European democracies with the US, especially in light of the rise of populist tendencies. But then I didn't think that was a good idea and just said that I thought the USA was the greatest country in the world. Stephen gave me a fistbump and all his buddies followed suit. Before English class after lunch, my friend Frederick passed me and said somewhat reproachfully whether I would always eat with the football team now. I laughed and gave him a fist bump and said that I would only eat as long as my primate research project lasted.

Project diary, entry 8 (Friday)

Yesterday was a wild day! I went to wrestling practice. Everyone but me has taken wrestling as a sport since they were in high school. I'm the only one who had no experience at all. Sure, I looked at and read through everything I could find to prepare. But without any practical experience, I really made a fool of myself. Thank God the coach really understood me. He said that he was sorry that bodybuilding wasn't a school subject. And then he gave me tips on how to pose properly. Damn, when I stood in front of the mirror in just my underpants and he touched my muscles to get them in the right position, I got a boner. And he obviously noticed. He then hugged me from behind and massaged my nipples. It was a feeling I'd never experienced before. I started to moan. He pulled me close to him. I felt his hard-on against my ass. And then I had my first orgasm outside of my bathroom. I was so embarrassed. And it was so great! Since then, I've really just wanted to make my coach proud. I've spent every spare minute at the gym, signed up to the sports club to do more wrestling and spent a small fortune on sportswear. I'm afraid I have a real crush for the first time in my life.

Today I got a telling off from my friends from the astronomy club. I missed the meeting and no longer see them during school breaks. I admit it, I'm neglecting my old social environment. But I have to find my way in my new role. Or rather, I have to find this new role first. Tonight I have a date with a couple of guys from the sports club. We're going to the gym first and then want to watch football in the sports bar. I'm a bit excited because I've tended to spend my weekend evenings alone in front of the computer so far. Now I have to think about what I'm going to wear.

Project diary, entry 9 (Sunday)

Dude, I might be drunk. For the second night in a row. The weekend is one big party. Last night at the sports bar was great. It was a little hard at first to pretend I knew anything about football. But after one beer I didn't give a shit. At some point, someone bought me some booze. Because his team had won or something. I was completely out of it and had to puke at some point. I can't really remember, but I'm afraid I didn't hit the toilet bowl. One of the boys then took me home with him. I really wasn't able to find my way home. Apparently, at some point I invited the boys over for a pool party on Saturday. And it escalated a little bit. Fuck, I probably have to spend the rest of the day tidying and cleaning. But for now I'm going to bed. After I've thrown up.

Project diary, entry 10 (Monday)

I'm a bit embarrassed about my behavior at the weekend. When I woke up on Sunday, a few of the boys were still snoring by the pool. And a few of them were making breakfast on the barbecue. I didn't really get around to cleaning. And then I overslept today too. Consuela suddenly came into my room and asked if my parents knew what had happened here. I gave her 100 dollars from my emergency expense fund and asked her not to reveal anything. She and Raoul actually did a great job. When I got home from astronomy club late at night, everything was pretty tidy again. The two of them are real treasures!

Mondays are not sports days. History, English, math. I admit that math has never been my hobbyhorse. And my teacher has made no secret of the fact that he thinks I'm an overprivileged white boy. When I couldn't answer a question to his satisfaction today, he said something along the lines of "Muscleheads are just all airheads". The whole back row started throwing paper balls at the teacher and hooting in protest. I have never received such expressions of sympathy.

Between school and the astronomy club, I went to the optician and got some contact lenses. Glasses are just so annoying when you're doing sport. And then I went to the hairdresser. I like my haircut. My hair is longer at the nape of my neck than at the sides. I had a photo of Coach with me and said that I wanted to look like this. Hehehe, the hairdresser said that he couldn't take away my muscles. In fact, I'm bigger than Coach. The hairdresser also shaved my beard. I haven't even written that yet, I have the feeling that my beard and body hair are growing faster and thicker. A bush is growing under my armpits and in my pubic area...

The astronomy club was terribly exhausting. I wanted to concentrate on the Jupiter-Venus conjunction. We had the best conditions to observe it today. But the nerds were all just asking questions about what exactly it was like on vacation, how I trained, how I changed my diet. I prepared myself for these kinds of questions. But every one of my answers was scientifically dissected. If it goes on like this, I'd rather look at the stars alone.

Project diary, entry 11 (Thursday)

The last few days have been pretty exciting, which is why I didn't get around to writing the diary. After training on Tuesday I went to the showers. Not all the guys on the team do this, but I just don't feel comfortable in the sweat with a bit of Axe under my arms. I also urgently needed to clear my balls and cock of the hair that was growing and shave my chest. I still can't get used to how hairy I get. In any case, it all took longer than with the other boys and then I was alone with Chuck in the shower. And suddenly Chuck knelt in front of me and sucked my cock. Without warning. I had prepared myself for intercourse in theory and in practice.

In any case, I've been a bit confused ever since. I mean, I have a crush on Coach. And Coach also got a boner when he helped me pose. I mean, he must think I'm hot too. But Chuck says he's had a crush on me ever since he and I spent Friday night together. The night I don't remember. But I'm writing all mixed up...

The blowjob in the shower was definitely sooooo hot. Even though it didn't last long. Boy, I shot my load into Chuck's mouth like that. My cum was leaking out of both corners of his mouth. He French kissed me with my cum in his mouth. Dude, I'm getting hard just thinking about it. And then he grinned and said that edging wasn't really my thing. I had no idea what he meant. In any case, I kissed him again and started wanking his cock. I was far too excited to suck him off myself. Chuck moaned and started twitching. Then he pulled me against him and wedged his cock between our stomach muscles. And then blew his load. Bloody hell! I don't know how long we showered together and soaped each other up.

In any case, I then started to gain practical experience with sexual intercourse. Chuck spent the night with me the day before yesterday and yesterday. The first time we fucked was really awkward. Chuck also asked if I was still a virgin. I said no, of course. But I'm sure he realized that it was the first time I'd fucked someone. And also that I was being fucked. In bed and in the hot tub. The first time I blew him was Wednesday in the school bathroom. We both just had a lot of pressure on our balls before civics. Shit, I'd never thought about sex before, now I can't get sex out of my head.

Practice is coming up. I just jerked off to the idea of forming a sandwich with Coach and Chuck in the shower. That would be so hot!

Project diary, entry 12 (Sunday)

Shit, I love my life. The parties this weekend were so hot. I mean, sure I love Chuck, but my dick has too much energy for one man. And Chuck gets off on me fucking other men too. As long as he's the only one who gets to fuck me. It's a point of honor, of course!

Before I go to bed now, I went to the gym again. To burn off the alcohol. And prepare my muscles for a tough week. I have my first wrestling tournament next Friday. And I've promised Steph-bruh, the quarterback, that I'll drop by football training. The hollow nut still calls me wetback, but has now understood that I'm not Spanish or Latino. And then I have to chat with my mentor from Stanford again. I don't know if sociology is really my subject. Chuck wants to study business administration. He's hoping for an athletic scholarship. Maybe I'm up for that too.

Inspiration found @redneckmusclehead

[creat0rstudi0]

I've been feeling really bad lately...

1) I have a real stagnation in college. I have to take a few projects to correct my grades for last semester, but I don't have the energy for it at all. Especially when my relatives put pressure on me

2) I always want to communicate with my online friends (because I don't have any in real life), but I don't have the energy for it at all and it makes me feel even worse

3) I was finally offered a good job, and I've been trying for several days to figure out how an animation program works, but I couldn't do it because they were bothering me (and I'm also too stupid for that).

4) I have complete stagnation in drawing. I don't have the inspiration, time, opportunity, or energy for anything

I really want to talk it out and vent all my negativity, but I can't bring myself to tell my friends about it, and I don't have the money for a psychologist....

......I need help......

[pixelatedraindrops]

So I bet all of you are wondering where I've been...

Well its been a lot... (just me complaining)

So after a mentally draining thanksgiving break (and after my period ended lol) I ended up getting sick AGAIN. And its been a week now. It's weird at first I was thinking it was just a sore throat, but that gradually increased to other symptoms. Had a fever for 2 days, went to a clinic and tested negative for covid thankfully, just some virus and after all that, I think I may have a full blown cold now. But what makes it even worse, is that my nose is bleeding. So imagine a cold with a bloody nose. Eugh sheesh... (its not serious, I just have an injury inside my nose and...lets just say the scab keeps coming off... ;w;) And its so annoying. some days I feel okay, others I have either a sore throat all day or a stuffy nose all day, like what even is this sickness?? Can I just get better already?? Make up your damn mind!

Karma be serving me hard this time haha..

And on top of THAT my 19 year old cat also had a stroke last Thursday. Thankfully that was a day that I was fully okay to take her, had to call my friend to give me a ride since I can't drive. I was fully convinced she wasn't going to make it home that night... But...thankfully she survived. Shes a tough old beast ;w; I had to tend to her for a few days while she was still spinning and wobbly. She would just collapse on floor or by water bowls and I had to help her eat and use the bathroom. But after just 5 days she miraculously recovered. And now she's been by my side all this time. I appreciate it old girl💜

(She says hi :3)

Plus I also had schoolwork to do too. I got sick on my last week of my semester's last course, so that's fun ;w; (Thankfully I'm pretty much all done with that)

But my GOD I just want this to end already!! Its like one day I think I'm better and then the next morning, nope back to stuffy nose or sore throat whatever the day wants I guess?? I'm not suffering or in any pain anymore, but I'm just annoyed and so fed up with it at this point T-T

I want to get better already... I don't want my winter break to be ruined by this and I'm tired of barricading myself in my room to avoid my family so they don't get sick too... (because when my mom's sick, its ANNOYING because she's SO LOUD at night w coughing and it keeps me up... ;w;)

I also have to go buy Christmas gifts for my irl friends....and go to see Sonic 3 next week... (I pray this won't ruin that, I've been so excited for it since the second movie ended) I'm just tired... Very tired. (not sleepy tired, but angy tired)

Well at least now that I'm free from class I can maybe get some drawing done. I haven't arted in a while so... Hopefully I can get my creative juices flowing soon.

Just a little update of what I've been up to I guess... x'D (and me complaining lol)

The last few weeks have been...bleh ._.

[charmedreincarnation]

I’m kind of in a similar situation to your college indecisiveness post bc I want to shift but never have the time cuz all this studying. I’m really hating life rn. I’ve tried shifting a few times and managed to detach my awareness from this reality for a few minutes at a time, so i know what works for me, but I never have time to do it. I feel kind of drained that I could be achieving so much but I’m stuck not even having the time cuz I’m not smart enough to get done with all this HW fast enough

TLDR how do I be cool like you and too smart for school to be a big concern? Do I just say f**k it and do a shifting attempt when I’m supposed to be studying?

This was such a sweet ask 😭😭💖 I'm overwhelmed by the sweetness of your words, and I assure you, I'm far from being as cool as you think. In fact, I found myself facing the very same dilemma in the past! Now, I'm not sure if you're looking for some wisdom from Loa or valuable studying tips, so ill share a little bit of both? Also college-related questions/asks have been pouring in lately, so I've decided to address them all right here. I should probably just make it a post but I’ll use this ask as a reference.

Pre law perspective:

So my senior year, was when I really started my journey. It was during this time that I learned about shifting and manifesting (kind of law of attraction) so I naturally attempted everyday and had my focus to that. However, I basically spiraled into burnout and indifference towards school. Tbh It's still a mystery to me how I managed to do fine in school when I basically stopped attending classes mentally and barely did my work.

I've always had ADHD, anxiety, and procrastination issues throughout my high school years, But senior year took it to a whole new level. The boredom and disconnection from my studies were unbearable. I went through the motions, completing my homework, but for classes I didn't enjoy, I mindlessly attended without caring or understanding the material. It was a year filled with academic mediocrity, and certain subjects like AP Calculus and AP Biology, which I didn't even need for my future plans, were absolute torture.

And at the time I didn’t even fully understand what shifting was, But I clung to the notion that school no longer mattered in the grand scheme of things. Looking back, I realize it was a detrimental mentality to have for my well being. If there's one piece of advice I can offer, it's this - find a balance. Avoid burning yourself out completely, but don't neglect your mental well-being either. You are still here, whether you're shifting or not, whether you’re god or not, and whether you're actively manifesting or not. Diving deeper into a negative mental well will not benefit you in any way. Trust me, I learned this the hard way.

As my burnout intensified, I reached a point where I no longer wanted to be alive in this boring ass reality. It became so severe that I almost didn't apply to college. My entire focus was consumed by shifting, and I simply didn't care about anything else. It was my friends who came to my rescue, pushing me to apply and offering unwavering support. Without their guidance and nurturing, I honestly don't know where I would be today.

Eventually, I grew tired of being tired. I began diving into my subliminal journey, creating playlists that combined affirmations for school,success, and luck. I learned the importance of dividing my time wisely. During the second semester, I continued this approach, focusing on school-related practices during the day and dedicating my evenings to shifting attempts.

Affirmations and scripting became the root of my routine too. Miraculously, my grades improved, even when I skipped classes for an entire month or neglected to read the lectures.

I was able to graduate high school with honors, which in itself proves that success or whatever isn’t even just about being naturally "good at school." I worked smarter, not harder and knowing about manifesting really helped with that!

So I really advice you to find a balance in your journey. Don't pour all your energy into just school or just manifesting. Embrace the plethora of easy methods available - scripting, subliminals, binaural beats - and integrate them into your study routine. Make it work in your favor. Treat shifting like a cherished hobby, something that complements your academic pursuits rather than overshadowing them.

Also, set realistic standards for yourself. In high school, I used to obsess over achieving straight A's, disregarding any grade below perfection. Looking back, I realize how misplaced my priorities were. As long as you maintain a mix of A's, B's, and even a few C's, you'll be absolutely fine. Set a goal of achieving a GPA of 3.0 or whatever scale your institution uses, and celebrate every success along the way.

Loa perspective

Ok, now let's talk about the power of the Law of Assumption!

Now that I'm in a place where I give only about 20% of my time and effort to school and still do very well, I can help and reflect on my journey properly. Back in high school, like said I struggled with anxiety and ADHD, and I thought these challenges would hold me back.

Test-taking, deadlines, remembering information it all seemed overwhelming. But you know what helped me? Subliminals.

Listening to subliminals for intelligence and confidence made a significant difference in my life. They boosted my abilities and gave me the belief that I could excel academically. And that belief was everything.

As you probably know the Law of Assumption states that whatever we expect and assume to be true will become our reality. So, I decided to apply this principle to my studies. I assumed that I was capable of achieving great grades with ease. I assumed that school life would be manageable, and I would continuously improve my skills throughout the semester. I always visualized seeing As, revised my past grades, teacher giving me the grade I know I deserve no matter what.

And guess what? It worked! My mindset shifted towards greater productivity, and I started using my time more efficiently. As a result, my grades improved, and I had more time to focus on the things I genuinely enjoyed. It was a game-changer, and it accounted for about 70% of my success. Just imagine that - simply switching my mindset and accepting the positive results from my previous subliminal experiences.

I understand that college can be more stressful and demanding than high school. But it's still the same principle at play. You don't have to drastically change your study habits if you don't want to. Instead, use general resources during the day to aid your studying. And while you're at it, listen to subliminals that align with your goals. Instead of imagining and affirming to yourself that you're a failure and worrying about all the things that could go wrong, shift your focus. Imagine the grade you want, affirm and visualize that no matter what happens on your test, you'll still pass the class with flying colors. Remember, it's just one test, one assignment, and there are so many more opportunities ahead.

General school tips

* Stop checking your grades every day. Seriously, it's only stressing you out. Grades can fluctuate randomly, especially in college (and honestly, even in high school). Instead of obsessing over the numbers, focus on staying on top of your assignments. Keep up with your work, put in your best effort, and trust that alone will reflect in your grades.

* Say no to all-nighters. Trust me, reading the same material for 12 hours straight won't magically make you understand it. If something isn't clicking, it's probably an internal issue. There's no need to spend an entire night alone trying to grasp a single concept. Look for alternative resources like recap lessons on YouTube or seek help from a tutor or classmate. Remember, it's okay to acknowledge what doesn't come naturally to you and instead focus on your strengths.

* Realistically, doing your homework and attending class means you're probably not failing. Even if you're not getting the grade you want, it doesn't mean you're headed for failure. Those big tests that carry a significant weight in your grade may impact your GPA, but they don't define the trajectory of your life. Take a moment to reflect on all the times you thought a single grade would ruin everything, yet here you are, still alive and thriving. You've been through challenges before, and you're stronger than you think. Breathe, remind yourself that you're not alone in these thoughts and stresses, and keep pushing forward.

* Make friends and join class group chats. Trust me, these connections are gold. Joining group chats on platforms like GroupMe or Snapchat allows you to ask questions, collaborate on study guides, and realize that you're not alone in this journey. Even if they're not your closest friends, having a support system within your classes can make all the difference.

* Use EFT tapping for anxiety, especially before tests. Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT) tapping is not only useful for Law purposes, but it can also work wonders for managing anxiety. Check out my pinned guide on how to use EFT tapping. It has personally helped me immensely, and I hope it does the same for you.

* Work smarter, not harder. The truth is, those who seem to breeze through school while partying every night still manage to graduate and pass just like everyone else. The key is finding shortcuts, utilizing the vast resources available on the internet, and working smarter, not harder. Embrace technology, explore online study tools, and leverage the power of the internet as your greatest friend in this journey.

Here are some free recourses:

Math and Science

1. MathMagic Lite: This app lets you write any mathematical expressions and various scientific symbols easily

2. Equatio: A powerful equation editor that makes it easy to create digital, accessible maths

3. Microsoft Mathematics: Can be used to write mathematical expressions, solve equations, and plot graphs

4. Desmos Scientific Calculator & Graphing Calculator: Utility apps for students and teachers for calculations and graph plotting

5. WolframAlpha: A computational search engine that can solve a wide variety of problems, especially useful for math and science

Article/Video Summarization

6. Smmry: A website that summarizes articles for you

7. TLDR This: A browser extension for quick article summarization

8. Inshorts: An app providing news in 60 words or less

9. Listenable: Converts articles into short audio files

Note-Taking

10. Evernote: A note-taking app where you can jot down thoughts, save things you find online, and even scan physical documents with your phone's camera

11. Microsoft OneNote: Allows for free-form information gathering and multi-user collaboration

12. Notion: An all-in-one workspace where you can write, plan, collaborate, and get organized

Concept Explanation

13. Khan Academy: Offers practice exercises, instructional videos, and a personalized learning dashboard that empower learners to study at their own pace in and outside of the classroom

14. Coursera: Provides universal access to the world’s best education, partnering with top universities and organizations to offer courses online

15. Complexly: A YouTube channel that produces a variety of educational content, including the series Crash Course which covers many different subjects in depth

16. citation machine: you never have to make source citations by yourself. This gives your both in test and citations for your essays and research.

Lastly I’m gonna put all the free resources most colleges offer for free!

Academic Resources

* Online Study Platforms: Websites such as Khan Academy, Coursera, and edX offer free or low-cost courses on a variety of subjects that can supplement your coursework.

* Academic Advising Centers: Most colleges have an academic advising center where students can get guidance on course selection, degree requirements, and academic planning.

* Writing Centers: Writing centers provide assistance with writing assignments, including proofreading, editing, and helping with citations.

* Library Research Databases: Your college library likely subscribes to a number of research databases (like JSTOR, EBSCO, and ProQuest) that can provide access to academic journals, books, and other resources.

2. Career Resources

* Career Centers: These centers offer career counseling, resume reviews, interview preparation, and job search assistance.

* Internship and Co-op Programs: Many colleges have programs that help students find internships or co-op positions in their field of interest.

* LinkedIn Learning: This platform offers courses on a variety of career-related topics, including networking, resume writing, and job interviewing.

3. Mental Health and Wellness Resources

* Counseling Centers: Most colleges offer free or low-cost mental health services to students, including individual therapy, group sessions, and workshops.

* Fitness Centers: Regular exercise is important for both physical and mental health. Most colleges have fitness centers that offer a variety of workout options.

* Mindfulness and Meditation Apps: Apps like Headspace and Calm offer guided meditations that can help reduce stress and improve mental health.

4. Financial Aid Resources

* Financial Aid Office: Your college's financial aid office can provide information on scholarships, grants, work-study opportunities, and student loans.

* FAFSA: The Free Application for Federal Student Aid (FAFSA) is the key to accessing federal financial aid, including grants, work-https://www.tumblr.com/charmedreincarnation/712878654521262080/everything-eft-tapping?source=share funds, and loans.

* Scholarship Search Engines: Websites like Fastweb and Scholarships.com can help you find scholarships that you may be eligible for.

Other questions I got

Q: How did you manifest graduating early?

A: Graduating early was always a desire deep within me. I didn't realize it was on track to manifest until I had a meeting with my advisor. Interestingly, when I found out it was happening, I wasn't as ecstatic as I thought I would be. It made me realize that desires can change as we grow and evolve. So, if something you once desired doesn't bring you the same joy anymore, it's perfectly okay. Life is all about evolving and embracing new desires.

Q: What affirmations do you use?

A: Since I had a multitude of desires in various aspects of my life, I found it tiring to have a separate affirmation for each one. So, I opted for general affirmations that encompassed all areas of my life. For example, I would affirm statements like "I am the luckiest person alive," "Everything works out my way," and "I always get my desires." These affirmations can be applied to all aspects of life, including school. The key is to find affirmations that resonate with you and create a positive mindset.

Q: How do you manage the law/shifting and school?

A: As I mentioned earlier, integration is the key! You don't have to view manifestation or shifting as something separate from your school life. Instead, incorporate these practices seamlessly into your daily routine. The goal is to make it a part of your lifestyle without feeling like it's an extra burden or sacrifice. For example, if a certain method, like wbtb lucid dreaming, is disrupting your sleep schedule, consider switching to other methods like subliminals or reality checks. You can still set intentions before going to bed, which will be effective without compromising your sleep. Find what works best for you and strike a balance between school, manifestation, and your mental health

Q: What to do if affirmations don’t work:

A:maybe you don’t think with words. I’m more of a visual person and will always believe and like images more than words. I would just imagine my grades always being an A. No matter what, no matter if I failed a test or forgot to submit a homework even if I failed everything I still got an A! If you don’t like to visualize then change your wording to how you naturally speak. Maybe you don’t even like affirmations, it’s really different for everyone.

Q:I don’t want to go to this college but I still have to apply, is that affecting living in the end:

A: nope I don’t think taking action or not taking action affects anything If you’re living in the end. Just because you apply doesn’t mean you’ll get in simply because you took the action. Do what you have to do it doesn’t matter if you’re living your 3D life but know imagination is your true reality. If you’re a billionaire and sleep in a homeless shelter that doesn’t take away from the fact you’re a billionaire. Who knows why you’re at a homeless shelter and who knows why you’re applying for college. It doesn’t dictate anything.

Q:I needed to get into the void before college but now I’m here without my dream life and I hate it. What do I do:

A: well it’s happened so take a deep breath. You can still master the void, in fact you already have you’re just being silly and want a funny humbling story. There is no better time than now to be delulu. When you’re trying to escape something and it passes accept it and make it your bitch tbh. honestly keeping busy definitely helped me in my journey anyways, but I did provide tips above so you have free time because you shouldn’t just be immersed in school. For example when I was poor, it was because I needed a humbling back story because no one likes people born into wealth. I’m assuming you still want to be in college, and yea, it’s just cool to have started from the bottom before you become that It girl. That’s your choice and your truth but now you’re done with being humble so go tap into the void.

Q: what’s your perspective on manifesting a perfect life. like nothing bad ever happens but also having a good life with just minor challenges (nothing too big) and I don’t wanna normalize suffering bc who wants to suffer?

A: ok this had a school ask but that was just the gist of it. anyways not that my opinion matters first and foremost. But I think that’s great. Who wants to suffer… exactly. You know I like being human, but I did not like my human experience before Loa. I do like challenges, I like growth, I like not being perfect, and I like being happy and getting what I want too! you can still have all those human aspects and manifest everything you desire. Mary Sues do don’t exist because humanity exists. Don’t worry about it. Your life won’t feel stagnant or unreal or something, I promise

Ok sorry this came out longer than I expected but I had a lot to say. I hope that answers all the asks I’ve been getting ! You all got this, college, your manifesting journey, your anxiety, all of it. All of your dreams & desires are within your reach (right in front of you !!!) so go for it and still live your best life <3!