#i don't think i'll come to understand them further through this process if i'm honest

[unopenablebox]

it's possible i'm going to get, like, really into tmbg, just to give me a thing to do

[dogsliampaynedoesntinstagram]

Liam died alone in a hotel room trying to drown out the all the pain he carried in his heart and soul, thinking the world and his fans hated him. He never got the chance to heal, make amends and find his peace. It all feels so unresolved and unfair and I hate how this all unfolded I hate it so much.

Oh anon - I'm sending you a lot of love. There's a lot to work through here and I do encourage you to feel what you feel. The lack of resolution is really hard and it will take time.

I agree with you that Liam lost the chance to heal and make his peace. There's something so heartbreaking about knowing that he might have survived this night. He would still be in a lot of distress, but living brings chances with it.

I don't know if it helps or not, but we don't know what he thought. He may have thought fans and the world hated him - he may not have been thinking about that and been thinking about much more personal that had nothing to do with fans or the world. It can be useful to recognise when we're telling a story - and understanding that the story we're telling isn't necessarily true.

*******

Like with the Gemma anon I just got - I am going to respond to some of what you say that I disagree with. I don't think that's incompatible with saying that you allowing space for your feelings is important. One of the risks of writing things down and sharing them - is that people will have a range of views.

I have really struggled with the way that fandom talks about amends, and I couldn't publish this without talking a little bit about why I've struggled with what other people are saying. I invite people not to read any further if that sounds like a stressful topic for them.

The way fandom talks about amends doesn't connect with the way I think about it - and the way I have thought about it when responding to abusive men. Fandom discussion has made 'amends' seem much more fixed - much more general - much more thingified than I understand them.

I would only ever talk about amends in a context where someone who had done harm had started towards accepting that harm and stopping. In my experience, talking about amends in any other context - misses the importance of those two steps and often acts on pressure for people (usually the person harmed) to ignore the fact that someone is still actively hurting people and actively in denial.

I think fandom discussion of amends has done that. I don't agree that Liam never got the chance to make amends. He chased Maya with an axe four years ago - he had a chance every day. One of Liam's last acts was to not pay sex workers.

If he'd lived he'd have had many more chances - and we don't know if he'd have ever taken them. And I think it's important that any attempt to discuss the interaction of his death and his abuse acknowledge all of that.

Ultimately - I don't think fandom discussion of amends adds anything to an understanding of what happened with Liam, what was lost with his death, or of abuse.

Before he died - I got an anon who was asking if they'd ever be able to be a fan again. I talked a lot about various things, but I ended with the idea that it was easier to grapple with this as a personal question than an ethical one:

I could be wrong, but I think the fundamental question here is about you and not Liam. I think your actual question is 'I still feel a lot about Liam and I’d like to be able to be a fan at his at the moment - but I don’t feel comfortable.’ If you accept that fandom is something that you do for your pleasure - then I think it becomes easier to answer this question. You can trust yourself to make this judgement.

I recognise now that I was talking about myself as well. When it comes to redemption - I think it's usually a lot more honest to talk about what we lost, rather than risk placing ourselves in the idea of a process that never happened and would have been none of our business.

So I'll end by saying - that I had so much affection for Liam and I would have loved to see signs that he was healing and recovering - and it's so sad that I never will.

[living-and-awaken]

I spend so much time bottling up emotions I forget what it's like when someone actually wants to hear how I'm truly feeling. After being 100% open about where I'm at, crying, and just being heard.... I just. I don't think the other person realized how much it means to a person like me. I spend so much time in depression without being able to tell anyone how I truly feel. How emotionally hurt I am and the distress I'm in. Always being the one to help others without judgement but being deathly afraid to be helped and opening up in fear of being judged... It's nice.

So I know most people don't realize it or think too much of it... But check on your guy friends.

Let them open up and be 100% honest without judging them. Most of us are in some sort of emotional distress but society tells us our mental health doesn't matter as much. A lot of us feel like we need to be emotionally strong, always, and too never be vulnerable. Some of us bottle stuff up and let it eat at us and damn near take us out. I've been in so much pain recently. I forget that my mental health matters and there are people that are genuinely concerned about me and actually want to help/listen.

I understand being a male has "societal privileges" but for a lot of us, we don't get to benefit from the privilege and we feel like we aren't heard. And when we do try to speak about where we are at, it's usually met with more of a negative response than a positive one, only making us close up more.

For a long time I was told to "man up" or that I was too emotional for a guy. I needed to get over it. I need to be the strong foundation for others. I'm not allowed to talk about how I'm truly feeling and if I do, I need to leave most of it out because guys shouldn't just go around showing vulnerability. I've been told all these things in one way or another. I don't think a lot of people realize how much guys hold things in and are so afraid to be open about where we are at.

More men are committing suicide and I've lost a couple over the last few years to it. You all have almost lost me... I don't want to die alone but I feel more and more hopeless as time moves further along. When I say I've been at my breaking point for a long time now, I mean I've been one thought process away from ending it. I've been so close to the edge, the smallest nudge could send me over.

I'm not saying all this to receive pity. I'm saying it because I'm so scared of what will happen to me if I don't let it out. Being scared to die alone is the worst fear for me because the more time that passes... The closer I am to ending it without trying to find out what will happen and if I'll have someone in the end. The longer I remain alone, the worse my fear becomes a reality, the anxiety builds, and the closer I get to giving up because it seems so much more like a reality, that I can't fathom the point of continuing to live on an ever dwindling hope that my fear won't come true. You would think there would be more of a reason to continue but when the hope lessens, the reason to live and fight that fear also goes with it.

I really went off on a tangent here. I'm sorry everyone. If you get one thing out of this, if any of you actually read through it... I want you to check on your male friends. Some of us are not okay.

Some of us are tired and ready to leave. A lot of us are hiding it because we are told it's off-putting or weird to open up. So check on your guy friends... Really all your friends. But I guarantee you some of your guy friends are barely hanging on but too afraid to talk about it.

I don't want to lose anyone else.

I don't want to lose myself.

[bravewolfvesperia]

"Denial can be a very powerful thing." || From Victor for them dramaz

@ofstarsandskies

"That's not... what this is about." Maybe in part he could say that yeah, he didn't want to kill someone he couldn't deem a threat to society anymore. If Ludger had been the mass murderer Yuri thought he was, that would've been different. Even if in the end he decided not to kill him in the worry of being found it and others not seeing it the same way - not seeing him as a killer - if he'd deemed Ludger a threat, he would've done his best to get past his CEO status and see that justice was delivered in some way or another.

Ultimately he didn't... hate Victor. He just didn't feel he could trust Victor. Whatever deep rooted grudge he had against Ludger, that part at least, wasn't his business. If Ludger wasn't a threat to society, any internal family squabbles had nothing to do with Yuri. Yeah, sure, he'd probably come to hate Victor if Victor tried to later use him as a scapegoat... but Yuri wasn't willing to let things get that far.

"I have a family. I don't think you can't understand that feeling. You have Elle, right? And you'd do anything to protect her? Anything to avoid seeing her heart be broken? I have a husband and a kid brother waiting for me. A community of people who helped raise me, and my foster father among them, still at home. If I went through with this and got caught, I'd be breaking a lot of hearts... and the heart of the one person I love most. If that person found out I'd killed someone without going through a proper process for it, especially when that person called me his friend, he'd probably... be disappointed in me. And I don't want to see that face when he looks at me."

Ludger called him "friend" despite what Yuri had been doing in the first place. Even knowing the truth, he wasn't mad. Regardless of whether this was "denial" of who Ludger really was or not... Yuri couldn't fake being someone's friend in that manner. Someone who was honest and genuine about it. Who really believed it. Yuri could absolutely do it to a nasty politician and then kill them later... but Ludger wasn't that.

If Yuri went through with it with Ludger, he was no better than one of those nasty politicians. Messing with his victim, pretending to be close and then stabbing him in the back. That worked for people who were nasty and would do the same thing to someone else. Yuri really had thought all the pieces fit. That a CEO was a killer and was one of those nasty sorts who would do exactly that.

That... wasn't what he'd found. And sure, maybe he was wrong. Maybe Ludger was just good at hiding it. But... what would the people Yuri loved think of him abusing what Yuri himself thought to be genuine trust? How many people would be disappointed in him? Be disappointed that they told him again and again not to do this sort of thing, but he'd done it anyway and it resulted in that.

"This isn't because of you. It's not because of Ludger. It's because I realized the consequences of succeeding in the job and getting caught having done it, no matter how that might've happened. I realized I didn't want a certain person looking me dead in the eyes knowing I'd killed someone who called me 'friend' and meant it. I realized the chain reaction it was gonna have on the happiness of people I care about."

It wasn't like this didn't bother Yuri. Victor had been relatively good to him, even if it was just to further his personal agenda against Ludger. Victor had been generous, and he had, all things considered, allowed Yuri to be alone with Elle when it just so happened to be that way. That was not only his daughter, but his daughter that he'd left alone with basically a stranger doing, well, an assassination job. That was a lot of trust, considering.

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have taken the job without more thought and consideration put into it. I only did that after I took it. I'll work other jobs to pay you back for any expenses you paid for for me if that's an issue for you. I appreciate what you did for me while I was here, even while working other jobs to fill in the gaps with this one. I'm not trying to get in your way or tell authorities about you or whatever. I just want to make this easy for the people who care about me. You leave us alone, we don't get involved in your dispute with Ludger."

Could he really just drop everything and leave Ludger too though? After all this? It just felt... wrong. Victor would probably take that the wrong way if Yuri didn't clarify first, and he did feel bad. Felt like he was, in a sense, switching one out for the other. If Victor wanted to stay in contact and have some sort of awkward companionship, Yuri didn't mind, but... he had doubts Victor would want that if Yuri called it quits on the job.

"I don't wanna this to Elle because she really seemed to want you to have a friend, but... I won't get involved with you at all anymore if you prefer it that way. I think Ludger still wants to be friends with me, but... if you see us together, I'm not trying to get you into trouble and I'm not conspiring against you. If you don't want to associate with me at all anymore, I'll stay out of your way. I'd rather just resolve whatever's going on between you two, but I know it's probably more deep rooted than I can understand. So... I'm not asking for everyone to just be happy friends after this. I'm just not looking for a sour relationship with either of you."

[refundtheticket-archive]

If I can ask, how did you come about with identity discovering stuff? I’ve been following you for a while and have noticed name/pronoun changes. It’s something I keep going back and forth on not sure how I feel so I’m just curious. No prob if you don’t wanna talk about it

oh wow hi. this got a little long and a LITTLE personal so i will put it under a read more... warning for like some vague references to suicide ideation or something? idk?? (i'm ok 👍) hopefully this is all on topic and provides some insight.

tbh i am going to be honest, i have been sort of stumbling around in the dark for like. at least thirteen years?? with regards to gender stuff. like i first started questioning my identity when i was like. in high school, around 2009 ~ 2011. and then ended up becoming friends with other trans people and watching them come out and pursue gender identity stuff for a LONG WHILE and only really made the decision i wanted to focus on being trans instead of desperately pretending i was a cis lesbian liiiike three? years ago? so i am terrible to ask for advice on this LOL but frankly what made me go ahead now was just this understanding that like. there is clearly something Missing, and i was about to turn thirty and was gripped with this fear that i would go on feeling this way, just Empty, and not doing anything and then next thing i knew i'd be forty (or dead). which motivated me to look into talking to a therapist to start with which was a great way to move forward with things and i would recommend if that's something you can pursue or feel comfortable doing.

in terms of name, i actually really had no clue when it came to name stuff, i didn't really want to change my nickname from steph just because thats what everyone already called me, but i knew with a lot of people it'd be hard to walk them through "i masculine but my name stephanie" so i just took the "ie" off and "tried out" going by stephan, which ended up feeling really right in a way i had, like. never experienced before. just this like. "wow thats my NAME" sort of thing instead of "these are the sounds people make to refer to me". in terms of pronouns, this is really lame but i wanted to try out using "he" just because i had already known i was going to just come out as a trans dude to my family rather than mess with any nonbinary stuff that i knew cis people would have a harder time understanding (i just didn't want things to feel like a huge struggle) and wanted to see how "he" felt just in case that worked for me (because i was really worried i'd go from pretending to be a girl to pretending to be a guy with no respite). luckily he doesn't feel bad! to be honest i'm still sort of feeling it out (i still have a sort of HUH? reaction when people use it for me but it's not a bad feeling, i just still don't hear it often compared to how much i hear 'she') but through its usage i've also sort of lost connection with just "they" so i don't think i could go back to just they/them anyway. i will say, "trying things out" is a really great way to explore gender stuff without it being this high pressure "changing these terms forever" sort of thing. just tryin' out they! just tryin' out she! tryin' out being called another name sometimes! etc.

i'll be honest, i feel like taking so long to explore gender stuff did actual damage to my brain LMAO like i feel like some element of my brain structure that processes gender feelings and happiness and the world around me has atrophied from lack of use and it makes it really hard to go forward with things because i feel like i'm feeling around in the dark. but i do know that going forward with trans stuff (like coming out to certain family members and finding a doctor to pursue hrt and top surgery) has made me feel really Right even if its extremely scary, and i am excited to see where further exploration takes me (assuming my doctor can ever actually get me on hormones instead of whatever it is he's doing but yknow thats neither here nor there).

i hope this all made sense and was in any way instructive LOL. tbh i feel like a really bad person to ask about these things bc idk what i'm doing. it feels more like fleeing from a burning building right now than making any real constructive first steps toward the rest of my life, but it also feels like something i need to do to like... at some point find any joy in living. and it also feels like the first major thing i've really done in my life that i've done For Me and not just. something that feels like i either Should be doing or something that feels like its just Happening, which feels good for my brain to experience for once. and i hope it leads to a happier me :3 it's so easy to live life in dull, flat misery, way easier than some people think and i do feel like i'm slowly getting a better grip on myself and coming to understand myself as a person. and hopefully some day i can stop feeling like i'm watching the world through a computer screen instead of actually living in it!!!

[anarmorofwords]

Hi! You're probably not going to like this ask, but before getting into it I'd just like to say that this isn't meant as Kamala hate or anything, and I don't really want to offend.

Having said that, wouldn't it make sense that we get to see how Kamala treated Anna after she came out? It's in all likelihood one of the things that's weighing on Anna the most.

Obviously Kamala had her valid reasons: her parents aren't as liberal as the Lightwoods, she believes (knows?) their love is conditional as she's adopted, she's not white and not being heterosexual could further any treatment she's suffered from being different... Her reasons have already been listed multiple times by multiple people. Kamala has the right to stay in the closet and fear coming out. And while that shouldn't be villianised, we can't forget that closeted people can harm those around them.

If Kamala had kept treating Anna like a good friend, rumour would've sparked, and even if it was denied, she'd have been harmed by merely associating with Anna. Especially with the life Anna began leading; she could have been labelled as one of Anna's 'conquests' by the Clave. That, as we've established, is detrimental for her safety.

But at the same time, it would create a breach between Anna and Kamala. And Anna had the right to be hurt by it and weary of it when Kamala said she wanted a relationship.

If we look at it from that perspective, Anna's actions (though inexcusable in how they treated Kamala --who was also at fault for not accepting a negative for four months) make sense. Kamala wasn't only a fling of a week*, but also the girl she lost her virginity with, who asked her to be her secret (until she married Charles, after which Anna's affections would be discarded), who hid her sexuality for two years and sat back while Anna suffered from homophobic commentary, and who now wants a relationship hidden from most of the people that know her.

Kamala shouldn't be forced to come out; but the harm that can do to the women she may engage with is reflective of what happens nowadays. I can mostly think of examples with gay men, so my apologies in advance. But how many women have seen their marriages ruined by their husband having affairs with men?

Creating characters that reflect a toxic part of the 'hidden' LGBT community shouldn't be seen as hating or villinifying. Thomas isn't out and he isn't labelled a villain by the narrative --because his actions don't harm anyone. The hate Alastair gets in-universe is because of his past as a bully, not because he's gay. Matthew's not fully out and he isn't villianised --like Thomas, because the decisions he makes to keep his sexuality hidden don't impact anyone negatively.

I'll even go as far as saying that not even the narrative villianises characters like Kamala and Charles. If it were, they'd be seen more like Grace in Chain of Gold. We'd see how Kamala's actions are affecting Anna's in more ways than anger (that in itself put the fandom against Anna), and the characters would note so. We wouldn't see scenes were Cordelia empathised with Charles, nor Matthew said he loved him.

Be it as it may, Kamala and Charles represent ugly parts of being closeted that can naturally occur when someone is in their position. LGBT people are human. Humans, when put into very difficult situations (and Charles risks his career; Kamala her safety), can make decisions that harm those around them. Consequently, the people they're harming have a right to feel, well, harmed in whatever range of ways --this goes mostly for Alastair, and very partly for Anna, whose treatment of Kamala was horrible.

Readers need to understand what is pushing these 'villianised' characters to harm (again, mostly for Alastair) the more prominent characters and go beyond how they are instantly depicted. Because these are complex characters based on complex real people influenced by very ugly realities we will move on from someday, but sadly not yet.

By the way, Charles and Kamala's situations aren't that similar beyond the closeted thing, but I crammed them together because of a post I saw you reblog.

Please understand I'm not justifying Charles's actions; that I understand the pain he's put Alastair through, and know that he shouldn't ever be near Alastair. Nor am I trying to justify Anna's actions nor hate on Kamala.

I'll just finish my pointless rant by adding that I do think cc has sensitivity readers. I think she asked a gay man to go through tec (I don't know if he still revised her other books, though), and know she asked POC's input when writing someone for their culture. I don't know much beyond that, but I doubt who revises her stuff is up to her. Wouldn't that be something the publisher is responsible for (honest question)?

*I've also noticed people using the argument that they didn't know each other long enough for Anna to harbour such ugly emotions towards Kamala, but Kamala also remembered Anna pretty deeply and is 'in love' with her. I just wanted to say that considering cc writes (fantastical) romance where someone can ask a woman they met two months ago marriage, stressing over time spaces doesn't make much sense. Just my take.

hi!!

alright, where do I start? probably would be best with stating that while I can analyse Kamala's situation with what I know/see/read about racism and discrimination and reasonably apply things I've read/heard from PoC to the discussion, as well as try to be as sensitive about it as possible, I'm still a white woman, so not a person that's best qualified to talk about this.

that being said - if someone wants to add something to this conversation, you're obviously more than welcome to, and if there's something in my answer that you don't agree with or find in some way insensitive or offensive - please don't hesitate to call me out on that.

back to your points though: (this turned into a whole ass essay, so under the cut)

I don't think Anna shouldn't be able to reminiscent on Kamala's behaviour/reaction to her coming out, or be hurt by it. what bothers me is the way CC talks about it - I can't remember the exact phrasing, but the post where she mentioned this suggested something along the lines of "you'll see how Kamala sided with the Clave and didn't defend Anna after her coming out", therefore putting the blame on Kamala and completely disregarding the fact that Kamala wasn't in position to do much at all. It suggest that their situation was "poor Anna being mistreated by Kamala". therefore I'm afraid Kamanna's main problem/conflict will remain to be portrayed as "Anna having to allow themselves to love again and forgive Kamala", while Anna's shortcomings - and Kamala's vulnerable position - are never discussed. I think it would be possible to acknowledge both Kamala's difficult situation and the possible hurt her behaviour caused Anna without being insensitive towards Kamala's character, but it would take a really skilled - and caring - author to do both of the perspectives justice. CC would have to find a balance between being aware of the racism/prejudice Kamala faced/ writing her with lots of awareness and empathy, and still allowing her to make mistakes and acknowledging them. As it is however, I'm under impression that she's just treating it as a plot device, a relationship drama.

I'd say no one expects characters of color to be written as flawless or never making mistakes, it's mostly the way these mistakes are written and what things these characters are judged/shamed/

And that's - at least in my understanding and opinion - where the problem is. it's that the narrative never even addresses Anna's faults, and portrays Kamala as the one that caused all - or most of - the pain, without ever even acknowledging her problems and background.

White characters in TLH make mistakes and fuck up - because they're human and they're absolutely allowed to - but the thing is, non-white characters aren't afforded that privilege. Anna's behaviour is never questioned - none of it, shaming Kamala for not being able to come out, dismissing her desire to be a mother, or any of the questionable things she did in ChoI. Same with Matthew, James, Thomas. Alastair and Kamala however? they're constantly viewed through their past mistakes, and forced to apologize for them over and over, forced to almost beg for forgiveness. Moreover, those past mistakes are used as a justification of all and any shitty behaviour the other characters exhibit towards them now, which is simply unfair and cruel. They're held to a much higher standard.

So I'd like to say that yes, Kamala was in the wrong to keep nagging Anna after numerous rejections, and she was in the wrong to not inform Anna about Charles prior to them having sex - but that doesn't give Anna a free pass to constantly mistreat Kamala. And let's be real, Anna isn't stupid - while at 17 she could be naive and uninformed, I can't imagine how after years of hanging out with the Downworlders and numerous affairs and being out and judged by the Clave she's still so ignorant about Kamala's situation. I definitely think she's allowed to be hurt, but to still not understand why Kamala did what she did? Anna isn't blaming her for not telling her about Charles earlier - which would be fair - but instead for refusing to engage in an outright romance with her. She's being ignorant - and consciously so, I think.

Overall, I think you're definitely right about how coming out - or staying closeted - can be messy and hurt people in the process, especially in unaccepting environments/time periods, and I've seen enough discourse online to know there will never be a verdict/stance on this that will satisfy everyone. I, for one, would really like to refrain from putting all the blame on a single person - but, at least the way I see it, CC is pointing fingers. maybe not directly, but she is. Kamala, Alastair and Charles have no friends or support systems, and the only people in the narrative that defend them are themselves (ok, Cordelia does defend Alastair from Charles, but not from shitty takes about him and his "sins"). Also, sorry, but I don't like how you say "hid her sexuality for two years and sat back while Anna experienced homophobic comments" - it sounds very much judgemental. Kamala had every right to do that? The fact that she slept with Anna doesn't means she owed her something, and certainly not coming out and most probably destroying her life, or even defending her at the - again - expense of her own reputation, or more possibly safety.

As for Charles - it's a different issue here, at least imo - I fear that it'll be implied that his refusing to come out will is his main "sin", and therefore not something he can be judged for, which ironically, will be villainizing, but mostly will mean his actual sins are dismissed. This is where the scene with Cordelia feeling a pang of sympathy for him comes into play, and it worries me. I've never hated Charles for not wanting to come out, but rather for, let's see - grooming Alastair, disregarding Alastair's needs and feelings, disrespecting his mother, being a sexist prick, being low-key far-right coded "make Shadowhunters great again" etc.

As for sensitivity readers - I'm no expert, so I don't think my input is worth much. From what I've gathered from multiple threads/discussions on twitter, tho it is probably consulted/approved by the publisher, many authors push for that - and authors less famous and "powerful" than her. I'm not a hater, but seeing fandoms' opinions on much of her rep, I think she could do better. Because if she does have sensitivity readers, then they don't seem to be doing a great job - maybe they're friends who don't wanna hurt her feelings? Or maybe she thinks a gay guy's feedback will be enough for any queer content - which, judging by the opinions I've seen from the fans, doesn't seem to be true.

Again, these are mostly my thoughts and I'm more than open to reading other opinions, because *sigh* I really don't know how to handle this.

Bottom line - I really really don't want to be hating on the characters in general, playing God in regards to judging the struggles of minorities, or even criticising the characters too harshly for being human, flawed etc. What my main issue is is how CC handles those complex and heavy topics.

I hope I make sense and this answer satisfies you somehow - I also hope someone better equipped to answer might wanna join this conversation.

* I desperately need a reread of TLH before I engage in any more conversations like this, but I didn't wanna leave you hanging. So yeah, I might be remembering things wrong. Again, let me know, I'm very much open to being corrected as well as to further discussion.

* I use she/her pronouns for Anna because that's what she uses in canon

[marichat-verse]

Mist Memories

Leo Valdez x reader for his birthday ahhhh (even though it's angsty) with a platonic/developing jason x reader cameo at the end (lmao im sorry i couldn't help myself 😭)

Based on this picture I found in pinterest + also [kinda] based on traitor by olivia rodrigo and omg i really recommend u guys listen to this edit because it reminds me so much of this fic that's been stuck in my head for MONTHS also kind of a run away with me prologue lol

Your POV

I nervously made my way across the forest until I reached a limestone cliff. I knocked on the iron door, not really expecting to get an answer.

My boyfriend has been shutting himself in Bunker 9 for the past few weeks. I stood there counting up to seven before knocking again. I knocked again two more times, until he answered in the middle of my last knock.

He removed his goggles and winced as sunlight hit his eyes. He'd grown thinner and paler, making the dark circles in his eyes more pronounced.

"Oh, Leo..." I reached out to brush a few strands of hair away from his face, but he moved away.

"What are you doing here?" He said in a monotone voice.

I moved to walk inside the Bunker, brushing off his hesitation to let me in. "I'm your partner, remember? And I'm really concerned because you're shutting yourself out lately. You know everyone's starting to worry about you. Percy asked me to check on you because you missed pegasus riding with him. Oh, and I'm pretty sure Jason's coming back from Camp Jupiter soon. I was hoping you and Annabeth could be with Piper while Percy and I hung out with Jason because it's been a little awkward since their breakup. Plus Piper wanted to tell you something—"

"Please," he said forcefully causing me to stop and look at him. "Just... Get out."

Normally, he'd shut himself from the world for a few days to work on an important project or because he was feeling really sad and he needed space. But this was getting out of hand. He had never locked me out of his life when I offered to help him. He was never this mean when he asked for space. I was not having this attitude of his.

"Okay, Leo. I tried to play nice. What is so important that you blow off all your friends for nearly a month that you can't even tell your partner, or maybe say hi to your best friend who's coming back from the other side of the country?"

He didn't say anything. He pursed his lips and avoided eye contact. I scanned he room for any signs.

It was messier than usual with all the crumpled paper scattered on the floor, especially on his desk. He could have been drawing up new plans. Something in my gut told me that something wasn't right. There were no new unfinished projects, indicating that he wasn't starting a new invention. Harley's helicopter lay on his bench in the same state it was weeks ago. Huh, not even his siblings could enter the Bunker.

I turned and Leo was already changing Festus' oil. I took this moment of distraction to pick up a few pieces of crumpled paper on the floor and on his desk. I had to process the words a bit longer—too long that Leo took notice. Damn dyslexia.

I heard footsteps speed up behind me, but it was too late. I read enough and got the gist of what he had been trying to do these past few weeks.

"What the hell do you think you're doing?" He yelled at me. Small embers started to erupt between his curls.

I laughed dryly. "So this is what you've been up to?"

His fists tightened, further crumpling the paper in his hands. His eyes flashed with anger, despair and confusion.

I sighed and focused my eyes on his desk, not daring to look at him any longer. Under some pieces of paper were old photographs of him and Piper from Wilderness School. Yup, those definitely were the mist memories she had with Jason. I read the latest draft he'd been writing:

Dear Piper,

Remember the mist memories from boarding school with Jason? They were real, but they were with me.

I miss you. I miss when it was just us. I miss the night on the roof.

Yours truly,

Leo Valdez

I tried to keep my voice from cracking. "How long?"

I heard him sigh. "Three weeks."

I balled my fists. Tears started to fall and smudge the ink. I wiped them away as fast as they came.

"How?"

"In a dream," his tone softened now. "Hera came to me in a dream and told me to check an old drawer in Bunker 9. I found the photos and the memories came rushing back."

"How long were you dating back then?"

"Two weeks."

"Were you ever going to tell me?"

Silence; then a deep breath.

"No."

I shook my head in disbelief. "Why?"

"Because I knew you'd get upset like—"

"I meant why would you throw away months of our relationship for a couple of weeks of your relationship with her? And without even bothering to tell me? Gods damn it, Leo. We've been together since you've first arrived at camp. And what about those promises you made when we were sailing to Greece? You've been keeping these feelings away from me and you've been lying to me, making me believe that there's still something between us and—"

"Oh, calm down," he said with an annoyed expression and tone, which only infuriated me more, "it's not like I did anything were her yet! I didn't kiss her or tell her how I truly felt for her! She just got out of a relationship with Jason around the same time I had that dream. I had to figure out how to talk to her about it. I've been alone in this Bunker for three. Fucking. Weeks. I didn't cheat on you."

"Oh, and that makes everything better?" I countered. "Being in a relationship isn't about not cheating, Leo. It's about being honest and communicating with each other."

"Oh, like you've been communicating with me? After the war, you take go back to Manhattan for school, and you take a job. I haven't seen you much during the holidays because work has been keeping you in the city. And you won't tell me what you even do for a living!"

I took in a deep breath. "I told you I needed to have a life outside of camp! I needed to know first that I could handle myself in the mortal world as a normal human being. I needed this demigod part of my life to be separate as much as possible! I've been in two wars, Leo. I needed time to myself, too. And I was about to tell you guys in a few more days. But I guess now, I'm glad I've kept you out of that part of my life. At least I have an escape from all of this. And now, especially from you."

I took another deep breath and walked to the door, about to let myself out. I turned back again, both our tear-stained eyes meeting each other.

"If it makes you feel any better," I said softly, "I would've hated the idea of us breaking up. But if you really love her, if you really feel like you have this special connection to her and she makes you happy, then I won't get in your way. You could at least have had the decency to talk to me so we could have left on a good note."

He looked at me with wide eyes, clearly regretting his actions. I sighed and looked around the Bunker, possibly for the last time. Lots of memories were definitely created in this room; all just as grand and meaningful as the inventions they made here. But just like some of Hephaestus' contraptions, some of them were flawed and dumped in his scrapyard, no matter how much potential it could have had.

"Goodbye, Leo."

I sat on a rock on the beach that gave me a beautiful view of Long Island Sound. To my left, the sun started to set, casting an orange filter on everything. My heart broke, remembering how everything glowed orange in the Bunker. Leo always left the fires burning when he was working. The sunlight twinkling against the sea reminded me of how small bits of flame peaked through his hair earlier. I remembered how mad he was at me. Or maybe he was mostly mad at himself.

"Hey."

I jumped when someone sat—or rather, landed—beside me. I turned and smiled, seeing one of my good friends back at camp.

"Hey, you're back," I said weakly. "How long have you been here?"

He smiled at me, although he could maybe sense that something was wrong. "Half an hour, maybe? I saw Annabeth making plans to expand camp to have a city. She made me do an aerial inspection and I told her I'll get back to her tonight. That's when I saw you."

"Mhmm," I mumbled, not really knowing what to say. It was silent for a few minutes before I spoke up again, knowing he was just waiting for me to open up.

"I broke up with Leo."

His head quickly turned to me. I guess he wasn't expecting it to be that bad. "What?"

"Oh yeah," I laughed dryly. "Turns out the mist memories Piper had in Wilderness School with you? They were real. But not with you."

His eyes widened. "Oh... With Leo."

"He locked himself in the Bunker for weeks trying to write a letter. It was heartbreaking. Like, truly heartbreaking. He wanted to tell her how much he missed her and how much he missed them. Then he said how much he missed that night with her under the stars and... It hurt. Like hell."

"Oh," he said. "I guess Piper didn't tell me everything then."

"She knew all along?"

He shook his head. "Maybe not everything, but she told me she's been confused about her feelings lately and she'd been having visions or dreams of possible old memories that were messing with her head."

"I'm sorry about you and Piper," I said.

"Don't be," he said. "I understand her. It did hurt, though. But I think I can get over it some day. We're still awkward around each other, but at least we left on a good note."

I scoffed. "Leo couldn't even give me a good ending to our relationship."

"Hey," he said as he put a hand on my shoulder. "You're a great person, y/n. You've done so much, especially for him. It's his loss that he was stupid enough to let go of you."

"I know that."

"Do you really?"

"I do!" I said. "I'm a great person and I know that. But that doesn't mean what he did doesn't hurt me."

"I know," he said. "You'll find someone who'll treat you like the queen that you are. You're a great person, and I'm not just saying this to cheer you up. I truly think you're amazing."

I smiled at him. "Thanks, Jason. And you'll find someone great, too. Maybe not as great as me but, then again, who is?"

We both let out a laugh. The conch sounded in the distance, signaling dinner. I moved to stand up before hearing Jason speak up again.

"Hey, do you maybe want to just grab a couple of plates and eat out here?"

I smiled. "Yeah. That sounds good. I don't really want everyone else hounding me about the breakup right now."

I don't know how long it was going to take me to get over Leo. We really did gave something special. It was cruel how the universe gave me something so good, to make me have hope that something was finally going right, then have it yanked away from my arms just as suddenly as it came.

He never cheated on me, but that didn't mean he didn't betray every promise we made to each other. I should have known it was too good to be true. Life has always played cruel jokes on me.

Then again, who's to say that things won't turn out for the better, right?

•••

Tagging: @drvrslcense @bubblybubbubs @dreamerball @quteez @aesthetxcimagines @chasingpj @beingleft @wadewilsonsgreatestfriend

[princesslocket]

Future Card Buddyfight x Angels of Death AU

Hi hi! It's once again AU time! This AU turned out to be WAY longer than I had anticipated it to be and if I'm being honest, it's kind of a mess. I rushed some parts in an attempt to keep the central ideas small but in the end it still turned out to be this really long blog.

Because I'm not keen on writing about major gore/blood scenes I kept everything as light as I possibly could. I'll put some warnings in the tags to let you know what to look out for so with that being said, I hope you enjoy this AU and thank you in advance for reading!

The AU starts with Kanata waking up in a strange room one day. He has no memories of how he could've possibly ended up there but what he does know is that he's not supposed to be there. He gets up and leaves the room through the only door available to him which just so happens to be an elevator lift.

When the elevator doors open up again Kanata steps into a room that looks similar to "The Disaster" aka a destroyed wasteland in the mountains. While journeying around the wasteland Kanata befriends a boy named Tasuku Ryuenji. Tasuku, much like him, has no idea how he ended up in the room (area?) So the two of them venture around the wasteland in hopes of finding some kind of clues to get out of there because would you look at that! The elevator had seemingly vanished... After about a day of searching the wasteland Tasuku & Kanata come across a cave where a change of clothes, name cards, and flash lights are conveniently placed for them. - They find another elevator hidden further into the cave.

The next floor leads them straight into a laboratory where they encounter Kakeru Futaboshi, a young scientist in training. He leads the two of them a table, offering them food, snacks, and the promise to help them recover their memories. The two of them gratefully take the food (both of them practically starving) before they pass out. Kanata wakes up to the sound of Tasuku screaming. Apparently while they were unconscious Dr. Gara (Kakeru) had started to run some rather harmful tests on them. A strange surge of energy helps Kanata to not only break out of the restraints he'd been tied to but also knock Dr. Gara several feet away from Tasuku. With Dr. Gara out of the way, Kanata frees Tasuku and they make a run for it. They run into several dead ends and dodge various traps before they find another elevator but as soon as the doors open, they're quiet literally jump inside. With the doors closing shut behind them they each get to witness how a very angry Dr. Gara had been running after them with some rather sharp looking tools.

The next room the doors open up to resembles a black galaxy vortex(?) They cautiously step into it meeting a boy named Gaito almost immediately after. While conversing with Gaito he explains how he he'd been trapped in the room for several months with no way out. Though a little reluctant, Tasuku and Kanata ask Gaito to join them on. Gaito agrees, of course, and winds up spending a lot of time with Kanata. Each time Kanata asks him why he doesn't want to interact with Tasuku, Gaito claims how Kanata is part of "his destiny" while Tasuku isn't. After saying this Gaito starts acting strange. It starts off slowly with Gaito comparing the two of them as they all working together to crack some puzzles here and there. But as they venture deeper into the room Gaito starts to passive aggressively hurt Tasuku in numerous ways. He only stops when they need Tasuku to focus all his attention on a puzzle that unlocks the elevator door they find. During this time Gaito takes it upon himself to sneak away with Kanata to have a private conversation. He asks Kanata if it'd be okay to get rid of Tasuku so that they can continue to travel together, to which Kanata responds with boiling anger before leaving Gaito to check up on Tasuku. And right as he's approaching Tasuku an axe comes flying out of nowhere, just barely missing Tasuku in the process. Both Tasuku and Kanata turn to Gaito, expecting to see him with more weapons but to their surprise they find Dr. Gara standing several feet away from them instead. In that moment Dr. Gara start rejoices in finding them but gets interrupted by Gaito who very angrily shoves him. The two of them get into a fight, each accusing the other of ruining their plans (both wanting to k*** off Tasuku & Kanata on their own) - With the two of them seemingly distracted, Tasuku & Kanata rush into the now open elevator. As the doors close they hear the sound of metal hitting metal followed by deranged telling.

While the two of them sit quietly in the elevator they get to talking. Since they've come to terms that everyone they're going to meet is most likely out to k*** them they form a plan to stick as close together as possible & to avoid talking to anyone they come across. Unfortunately things don't go as planned because as soon as they set foot on the floor, they're both warped to separate parts of the room. For this floor they each have to face various trials to conquer fears & scars from their past. Kanata is able to complete each trial within the span of what feels to be a day while Tasuku takes up what feels like two-three days. When they rejoin each other, almost all the light from Tasuku's eyes have been drained. And when Kanata tries to talk to him, Tasuku responds with vague answers in a distant sounding manner. Since he thinks leaving the floor would help, Kanata leads Tasuku to the elevator he found the day before Tasuku rejoined him. - As he's guiding Tasuku threw the door, an arm shoves him forward. Kanata falls forward but finds Tasuku no longer by his side. He looks back to see a strange man with Tasuku standing at his side. He jumps back up to grab for Tasuku but is pushed back down by Tasuku, who tells him to leave and not come back. The doors shut quickly afterwards.

When the doors open again Kanata refuses to get out. He's too busy pounding away at the elevator walls, trying to force his way up & out, to even notice the person walking up behind him. It's only when he hears a knock on the doors that he stops to look at the stranger. They start off by introducing themselves as J Genesis before asking Katana why he's trying to force his way back up. Since he's not quiet in the right head space, Kanata tells him about Tasuku and the mysterious stranger on the floor above, to which J Genesis offers him some help. - J Genesis (almost magically) reprograms the elevator to head back up. He stays on his own floor but gives Kanata a pen before parting ways. Thinking nothing of it, Kanata puts the pen away & waits for the elevator doors to reopen. Once they do he's out and running to find Tasuku. And he does find Tasuku, only what he finds is the Purgatory Knight armor with Tasuku inside. It's then that the stranger from this floor (Kyoya) comes out from behind Tasuku to happily show off his new "weapon." Upon hearing this Kanata charges at Kyoya but gets caught by the Purgatory Knight, which then causes a huge fight to break out between the two. Kanata is pretty much running around the whole time, dodging sword swing after word swing until he's able to some how manage snap Tasuku back to normal. With the two of them being on good terms again (and having Tasuku back to normal) Kyoya releases several other knights to attack the two of them. While Tasuku & Kanata are running, the pen J Genesis had lent him drops from his pocket, clicking on the floor and exploding just seconds after - The two of them limp back towards the elevator where they both pass out against the other.

When Kanata wakes up again he's sitting in front of a table with food. Tasuku, who's sitting besides him, is making quick work of devouring the food in front of them. So, he eats. After they finish they leave the table in search of J Genesis (Kanata had filled Tasuku in on the little details he knew about J Genesis while they ate). As they look for the man they come across a giant room shaped into a cemetery filled with dozens of tomb stones. Instead of looking at each of them, they continue to walk but Kanata doesn't miss how the names on last ones they pass. Kakeru, Gaito, J Genesis, and Kanata. They enter a clean looking office room where J Genesis is sitting. He greets them with a smile and congratulating Kanata on rescuing his friend. Neither of them reply and J Genesis takes a moment to ask them how they've liked the building so far. When neither of them answer he simply sighs and asks why they were being so ungrateful? After all they had been the ones to have asked to come here in the first place. J Genesis then goes on to explain how they had each signed up to participate in an unknown experiment for "gifted teens" online months ago. Upon sign up they had been notified that they're memories would be erased to ensure they wouldn't use their "gifts" to harm any of the other participants. And if they somehow managed to unlock they're gifts during their time in the experiment then they would be awarded 108,765,500 yen. Of course, they're memories would be wiped after the experiment BUT they'd still receive the money afterwards. As for participants who didn't survived the experiments, they would be laid to rest within the vicinity and their electronic devices would delete any trace of having been on the sign up website. Tasuku & Kanata turn to each other when J Genesis finishes talking. Both of them both refusing to believe the mans words but also at same time failing to understand why either of them would sign up for something so bizarre in the first place. With neither of them speaking, J Genesis choose that moment to hit a button on his desk. A door opens up to reveal Dr. Gara. A wicked smile creeps up onto his face as he speaks "The boss forgot to mention the part that we've never had a survivor escape my floor." - Dr. Gara chases them around the floor for what feels like hours. During their time running and hiding Tasuku & Kanata try to conjure up any kind of powers they might have had before their memories where erased. With each failure they grow closer and closer to death (Mainly because Dr. Gara would find little ways to harm them when their defenses were down). At some point both of them give up on trying to unlock their powers and start looking for an elevator and to their luck, they find it! The only problem is that the elevator requires the use of one of their powers....

While Kanata panics behind him, something inside Tasuku clicks. Earlier when he had been working to unlock the puzzle on Gaito's floor a strange sort of energy had flowed through him, which allowed him to unlock the puzzle without lifting a finger. He quickly tries to re-channel that strange energy again, unlocking the elevator seconds later. But before either of them can run into the elevator, Dr. Gara and J Genesis jump out of it, tackling the two of them to the ground. Dr. Gara laughs, expressing his delight by stamping a foot hard onto Tasuku's chest, saying how he "can't wait to dissect a new magic user." Meanwhile J Genesis simply holds Kanata down, keeping a close eye on Dr. Gara. When Dr. Gara pulls out some medical utensils that's when J Genesis strikes. He summons forth a crystal blade that penetrates Dr. Gara ending him in just a matter of seconds. Even with Dr. Gara no longer holding him down, Tasuku can't bring himself to move away. He & Kanata were stunned. J Genesis uses the moment to drain away Tasuku's powers in his stunned state before moving onto Kanata. But as he goes to do so a series of explosions sounds from overhead followed by the sound of the buildings speakers turning on. Kyoya's voice fills the room; "Congratulations Gen... You've just won a free ticket it the after life. Butt don't worry, you won't be the only one to go down, we all will. Dr. Gara and I may have never seen eye to eye but if there was one thing we could agree on it was that you aren't allowed to win. If one of us were to go down then we'd vowed to take the building with us as our final request. I hope you're satisfied with yourself. All of your hard work is going to be destroyed now- Feel free to come and find me, but I doubt you'll be able to catch up with me and save your work at the same time." As soon as the speakers turned off the another series of explosions sounded overhead. J Genesis quickly jumps off of Kanata, rushing into the elevator & taking riding it to a floor upstairs. With the elevator no longer there all Tasuku and Kanata can do is stare helplessly at each other. This was it, they really were going to go down with the building...

The ceiling gives way several feet away from them, crashing into the floor and creating a giant hole in the ground for them to climb into. Tasuku leads the way through the collapsing building as they run. They manage to avoid broken furniture and various other fallen debris for the most part and at some point, Tasuku seemingly starts going faster than Kanata. Kanata desperately tries to catch up but finds his body growing heavier by the second until a strange surge of energy washes over him, making him suddenly feel lighter on his toes, within seconds he starts running faster, catching up to Tasuku. As they near what looks to be the exit of the building a giant chunk of the ceiling begins to fall, Tasuku shouts something over his shoulder but Kanata can't hear it. The sound of a bell chimes in his ears and in that moment he forces his legs to go even faster, shoving Tasuku forward with all his might just as the ceiling comes crashing down from above. Tasuku gets thrown out the door from both the push and the ceiling falling behind him and lands outside the building just in time to watch it collapse in on itself.... Tasuku attempts to get up, to go back in and save Kanata but finds his body screaming in protest. His eyes draw to a close as red and blue blurs start to dance in the distance.

Tasuku wakes up several weeks later in the hospital with bandages wrapped around his body. His right arm and left leg are in a cast and his head pounds under the light in his room. The nurse, who just so happens to be in his room at the time, rushes out to go inform some doctors of his condition.

A couple of months go by before Tasuku is up and walking again. The events surrounding the building he had woken up in are still being covered on the news. Sometimes he'd get questioned by random passersby's on the streets of what it was like in there (The media had released pictures of what had been founded in the destroyed building) But Tasuku never answered the questions. He honestly couldn't remember why he had even been in the building.

A year later and his life is back to normal. Every now and then he thinks about the building but his mind always brushes it off right before he can force it to remember any details about it. One day while he's out walking he crosses paths with a man wearing a trench coat. He thinks nothing of the man when they pass each other by when he hears him whisper "Go check the cemetery." He stops to look at the man, the same man who has disappeared.

So, Tasuku goes to visit the nearest cemetery. He walks around for about an hour, looking for something he can't bother to find before he decides to leave. As he's walking out an exit in the back he glances a look to a single gravestone located under the shade of a tree. He stops. Tears well up in his eyes, falling down his cheeks moments later as his mind reads the name repeatedly over in his head. Kanata Ozora

[in-silks-and-flesh-and-leather]

Oh Silky,

You're wiser than me I know that to be true, and I don't see myself as someone who could advise you when it comes to writing. It's one of those things that just flows out of someone, a deeply personal process.

However, I think I should share sth I heard in the TikTok sphere that at least made what was happening across a lot of platforms make sense to me. The new saying goes: "Shein sells quicker than Chanel." (No disrespect to either brand consumers ofc)

I just find it as a nice way to understand why sometimes the good things in the world remain underappreciated (have less of an audience) while other mass produced digestible content thrive. It's as simple as that. One is inheritally meant for mass consumption and it's no surprise it does well it that area. And by no means can the success of the digestible content take away from the quality and the impact of another. (Quite the opposite actually.)

I understand how frustrating it could be to see sub-par work get recognition.

I was fuming when seeing the quality of a few Reylo fics that were in publication as I skimmed through them believe me , but it only made what you were doing more grand in my eyes.

If you ever wonder if someone is excited for a project you're working on, you can automatically know that I'm at the other end of this blog literally frothing at the mouth for it...sorry for the visual but it's true.

I really have love and awe for you in my heart and want you to be happy, so know that as long as you are happy to write, we are happy to read. I guarantee that.

We have spoken about how I feel about this God forsaken platform. It's an echo-chamber the size of a match box, so I beg you to never determine your worth based on the greatness of echos here.

I don't know if you will write your own novel or screenplay or anything else one day, but you're probably one of the few fic writers that have the ability to do that in them and I'll read that too happily.

I also want to mention that yes I'm guilty of reading undercooked plots and themes and nsfw alphabets and prompts from time and time too, but all of them go in from one ear and out from another. They don't stick like your stories do. They never make me wonder and question.

Don not feel like you're losing to them bc it's simply not even a competition between you.

I tired to keep this honest, away from the amount of praise I want to give, to make you know that I mean it entirely. I hope I have been successful.

Love,

Ariadne.

My beloved ❤️❤️

I have cherished your every word ever since you were kind enough to leave your thoughts on my dad!Sackler fic.

You are so thoughtful and insightful, it blew me away 💗 And since then, I've been so grateful to have found a kindred spirit who is so tender and honest, not to mention patient and supportive 💗

That's truly been one of the few bright spots of venturing into this space.

*

That's a very interesting point to consider and it would be wonderful to be able to discuss it further, but as we know, that's impossible here.

I do want to thank you for this sincere and deeply touching gesture - I am taking it into my heart 100% and I'm on the verge of sobbing, to be perfectly honest 💕💕

When I write and consider posting, it's because I hope there is someone like you out there who will dive into the story and let themselves feel something beautiful and that part makes me feel absolutely amazing 😍

Sending you every last bit of my love 🤗🤗

[mithranqueersmusings]

I Think I'll Love You Too II

Chapter: 2/?

Rating: U

Summary: George and Ringo have been going out officially for a couple of months. Ringo anticipated that dating a stripper would be complicated, but he didn't understand exactly how complicated it would be.

Tags: Modern AU, Established Relationship

Pairing: George Harrison/Ringo Starr (Background McLennon)

AO3 link here / Fic masterlist here

The following clean-up from their nocturnal experiment was far from easy, the wax seemed to crumble into tiny pieces and was determined to cover each inch of the carpet. George was insistent on doing most of the work, a struggle of manners ensued in which Ringo was adamant that he should help but eventually gave in and took up George's offer to relax in the bath.

Soaking in the warm water, Ringo's mind began to wander to their first official date. It seemed like such a long time ago now, although it had only been a couple of months at the most. Ringo could vividly picture arriving at George's house for the first time and picking him up for dinner, bruises still dotted across George's pale skin from the somewhat embarrassing but retrospectively rather comical fall at the club. Ringo had struggled to figure out the best place to take George, unfortunately the only advice available was John's.

"He's a vegetarian." Ringo emphasised for the fourth time, John had once again offered up a meat-only establishment.

"Oh, well you could've told me sooner." John scoffed, sometimes Ringo couldn't tell whether he was joking or truly that oblivious.

"What about sushi? That can be veggie, right?" Ringo was fiddling with a bouquet of flowers that had been left on John's kitchen counter, a small card had the name 'Paul' written on it, punctuated with a kiss.

"Sure." John offered "You could always, and hear me out, ask where he wants to go."

Ringo rolled his eyes "Great advice John, thanks. What if he doesn't know either?"

"Then you're both helpless and you belong together."

In the end Ringo had settled on sushi, which only calmed his panic somewhat because he still had to find which sushi place was best. He'd forgotten all about how stressful dating could be, and it'd been a long time since he'd been a proper date. Eventually he settled on a fairly affordable place that wasn't too far from his house, he felt rather silly calling up to make a reservation an hour in advance but he didn't want to risk embarrassing himself by not having a table booked.

This struggle with the restaurant left Ringo only an hour to get himself looking presentable for the date, his closet was emptied onto the floor and bed as he rummaged around for something suitable. He felt like making more of an effort than usual, this was one date he didn't want to screw up, especially knowing how fashionable George was likely to look. In the end he settled on a paisley blazer, it had been a gift from John years ago and had hardly been worn, and a black shirt underneath which he experimented with the buttons of.

He left himself just enough time to brush his teeth, sort out his hair and tidy the room as quickly as he possibly could. Hurrying over to George's in the car, he'd almost forgotten to be nervous about the date itself. Almost forgotten, because as soon as he knocked on George's door Ringo felt a wave of dread washing over him. He hadn't even thought of any conversation starters, or what he was going to order at the restaurant. As he waited for an answer, the dread only festered further. Yet once the door finally opened, revealing George draped in a decorative kimono, all fear subsided.

"Hi." Ringo spoke, suddenly sheepish.

"Hey." George replied with a grin, stepping out onto the street and locking the door behind him.

The two of them looked at one another for a few moments, eyes tracing from head to feet with no words being said. George was wearing makeup: his eyes darkened with liner and mascara, his gaunt cheekbones sparkling with highlight and his lips painted a tempting shade of red. Ringo could see that he'd tried to use foundation to cover over the bruises on his face but it wasn't entirely successful, not that it mattered.

"You look great." Ringo managed to get out without stumbling over his words as they walked over to his car.

"Thanks, so do you." George responded but Ringo supposed he was only trying to be polite.

Passing a shop window, Ringo stole a glance at the reflection and found himself presently surprised at how good the two of them looked together. Ringo was even beginning to believe George's compliment, a surge of confidence arising merely from being stood next to George. He'd anticipated that George would only make him look worse, but there was something complimentary in how the two of them were dressed. It was a small boost that Ringo needed to quash his nerves, he was determined to not ruin the night just because he was feeling anxious.

"So... Where are we headed?" George asked, stretching his legs out in front of him.

"Sushi." Ringo replied more curtly than intended "Is that alright?"

"I love sushi." George answered cheerily.

"What a relief." Ringo chuckled "I'm not gonna lie I was struggling to find a place to eat, with you being a vegetarian and all."

George paused for a moment "You remembered that?"

"Of course I did." Ringo panicked for a moment, afraid he'd said the wrong thing and given too much away but the smile that spread across George's painted lips calmed him back down.

It didn't take them long to arrive at the restaurant, it was rather busy but not so much that it would become uncomfortable. Ringo still couldn't believe his luck, that he'd actually been able to get a date with George. Looking back on how their relationship started, it was strange to consider that they'd end up here.

"Is your face alright?" Ringo asked when they'd been seated, it was hard to not notice the swelling on George's lip.

"Oh yeah, it's fine." George provided evidence with a genuine smile "I've had way worse, don't worry."

"You fall over a lot then?" Ringo joked, looking down at the menu and feeling a little intimidated by the amount of choice.

"Only when I know you're there to catch me." George winked "No, I've had my fair share of scraps here and there. That's just life, isn't it?"

Ringo chuckled "Not in my line of work, no."

"Don't be so modest, I haven't forgotten when you beat up that creep in the club." George was studying his menu with far less fear than Ringo "Any idea what you're gonna order?"

"Haven't the faintest." Ringo read the same words over and over again as though it'd help him understand "What about you?"

"Hmm, I think so." George answered with a confidence Ringo envied "Want some help?"

"Please." Ringo smiled sheepishly, laying down his menu and looking to George for assistance.

The date was hardly going as Ringo had anticipated, but while George went through dishes on the menu with a clear expertise Ringo couldn't stop himself from smiling. The intimidating Spike was describing in detail the difference between maki and temaki with such delicacy, it was such a strange moment of realisation for Ringo that made him truly understand how far they'd come. Ringo realised too late that he hadn't been listening to what George had been saying but it didn't matter in the end because George ordered for the both of them.

"So..." George began, drink in hand.

"So." Ringo repeated with a raised eyebrow.

"How long have you been waiting to take me out?" George asked with a knowing smile.

Ringo half expected this line of questioning to begin, he only wished he'd prepared some answers "Does it make a difference?"

"I'm just curious." George leaned in a little closer, a devilish look in his eyes.

Ringo sighed "Now I'm debating whether to lie so you don't think I'm a loser."

"I wouldn't bother with that, I already know you're a loser Ringo." George spoke deadpan, staring without expression then burst into laughter "I'm sorry, I had to."

"And that's meant to encourage me to be honest?" Ringo laughed nervously.

"Come on, tell me." George sounded almost whiny, a tone Ringo had heard before but never in regular conversation.

"Fine, fine." Ringo conceded after drinking his beer "In all honesty it was probably the first time I saw you... Not that I thought you'd ever say yes, of course."

The answer seemed to satisfy whatever itch George had "Really? I'm that good looking am I?"

"Not to sound cliché, but have you seen you? I don't think I've seen anyone more attractive." Ringo spoke somewhat seriously.

George blushed just slightly, having to look away from Ringo's intense gaze "You're sweet. But why were you even in the strip club in the first place? You didn't seem too at home, at least from what I remember."

Ringo felt rather complimented that George even remembered how he'd been acting all that time ago, he'd always supposed he hadn't left much of an impression at all and whatever he did was surely negative.

"John dragged me there. He, uh-" Ringo stopped himself before saying too much "Thought it'd cheer me up."

George squinted his eyes in suspicion "What aren't you telling me?"

Ringo paused, debating the best verbal exit strategy but the good beer and even better food was slowing his thought processes "Uh... Nothing?"

"Oh come on." George kicked Ringo lightly under the table "You think I'm gonna judge you?"

"Well, yes... But fine, I'll tell you." Ringo chuckled, pausing for an anticipatory breath "I'd been going through a bit of a... dry spell, so to speak."

A grin spread across George's face "Seriously?"

"Seriously." Ringo repeated, hiding his shame behind his beer.

"I find it hard to believe that you were having a 'dry spell'." George rested his hand on Ringo's own, his finger tracing around the metal of the rings.

"Well, I'd, er- I'd still be having one if you hadn't come along." Ringo stammered "Shit, that sounds really pathetic, doesn't it?"

"Just a tad." George smiled reassuringly "I'm just glad I could be of service."

"For a while you were making it worse, actually." Ringo had finished his beer and was itching for another "With all my pent up frustration and then I see you undressing on that stage, I nearly lost my mind."

George chuckled, looking rather proud of himself "I can only apologise for being so tempting." He emphasised the word by running his tongue over his top lip onto his sharp canine tooth.

"No need to apologise, it's your job after all." Ringo tried to remain composed "And in the end it all worked out so... No harm done."

"My aching body disagrees." George pouted his still somewhat swollen lip.

"Well... That was your own fault really." Ringo joked, finally catching the waiter's eye so that he could order another beer.

"You're right, you're right." George's hand was still pressed against Ringo's "Hopefully from here on out all the pain will be consensual."

Ringo blushed "Hopefully."

Later that night it was clear that there was no longer any need to be hopeful.

[rose-director]

Blooming Roses, part 2

Content warnings/themes:

Masks

Medical situations

Neural connection/linkings

Hypnotic imagery

Corporate setting

Cyberpunk

Description:

As the next step in the hiring process, 3B90 is presented with a more permanent reciever system for network integration.

~2,200 words

Story:

3B90 > [Okay, and this won't hurt at all?] Trepidation and concern pour generously through your connection, mirroring the way they've been saturating your thoughts.

2CE5 > [No, there's no reason to worry. You'll be under some pretty strong anesthetics, though you'll be pretty disoriented in recovery.] A flash of comfort rides with this message, wrapping around your mind like a warm hug.

You're sitting in the waiting room segment of the Rose Cybernetics Augmentation Lab, an entire subset of the building devoted to fabricating, modifying, and installing cybernetic modifications and enhancements. Though the lab extends several floors down into the basement, the room you find yourself in is just below the massive building's main entrance. Relative to the area it services, the space itself is fairly small. Its walls are lined with more conventional chairs, complemented by several other more vexing pieces of... furniture? Your thoughts wander back to that first visit, and you still aren't quite sure what qualifies as furniture versus art.

2CE5 > [The furniture itself _is_ art! It gives pleasant visual patterns and all of that, _and_ it's ergonomic for the standard and non-standard body shapes of everyone who uses it!]

You need to stop broadcasting your thoughts when they drift like that.

2CE5 > [Aww, but 3B... it's cuuuute!]

The screen adorning your face lights up brighter in a begrudging grin. Sure, it's fun to get teased over your thoughts every once and a while, but you could do with a bit more privacy. 2C always makes it so easy to just share everything, but you find that as you reminisce on the events of yesterday, you've successfully put a stopper on the outpouring of thoughts from your mind into the LinkNet. For the interview, you'd booked an overnight hotel, and though the commute back had been pleasant, you'd felt deflated as you stepped back inside. The warmth of connection, that feeling of presence from the interview felt almost like a high, one you crashed from the moment your faceplate came off.

Your faceplate.

It's funny how everything seems to make so much more sense than it did yesterday morning. When you got back to that hotel room, you couldn't seem to help but yearn for the feeling of cold glass pressed against your face again, the paradoxical feeling of being seen and hidden all at once. Thinking about the way that data flowed through your mind, uploads and downloads streaming with the simple ease of breathing, you spent the night restless. You missed it all dearly, and you missed 2C, too. It's weird, you think, missing someone so desperately when you'd barely even met, but the whole situation is weird. In the stretch of less than an hour, you'd felt almost as though her soul had become pressed against yours, and in a way that seems almost accurate. The presence of her mind with yours was one of the most enrapturing moments you'd ever shared with another person. This morning, checking out of your hotel was the easiest departure you'd made in your entire life.

Your personal items, wardrobe, and computer were all accounted for when you stepped back through the doors of the Rose Cybernetics Center. At the desk, a new face - or, well, faceplate? - waited cheerily to greet you. They introduced themself as 13A3, and asked you to follow them to your on-campus housing. This benefit, one that didn't actually subtract from the pay Rose Cybernetics had offered, was quite, frankly the reason you'd chosen to pursue employment here specifically. Other firms had been hiring fairly aggressively, but even if the salary wasn't quite as sweet here, you'd always been a fan of the self-contained arcology life, especially if it was already paid for. An elevator had brought you to a floor above the block of office space from your last visit, into the area which seemed to be clearly intended for residential use. When they reached your apartment's door, 13A1 made the equivalent of a smile - the flowers that covered their display blossomed further - and ushered you inside.

Your apartment was a studio; an open kitchenette next to the door, a bathroom in the far corner, and a section of the far wall that seemed to suggest its utility as desk space. Even if it was a fairly small apartment, it was still the largest space you'd ever had to yourself, and you savored it a moment before noticing the furniture. Aside from the lack of a desk, the entire room was full of your things, set exactly as you were planning to have them when you got around to unpacking. 13 giggled and explained that you'd shared your plans for the room last time you were connected to the network. You shrugged, picking up a box from where it had been placed on your bed. It was black and unassuming just like the last one, but a note had been written in silver marker along the top.

You get to actually keep this one! Enjoy~

2CE5

You broke out in a broad smile and eagerly pressed the contents of the box against your face. The receiver pressed against your neck, and the tug of its electromagnets pulled at your mind with sudden familiarity. Far from that first violent experience, this connection was nothing more than a gentle fall into warm, relaxing water. Data flowed up and down from you again, and before you had time to think you felt 2C's mind pressing into yours. In a quick flurry of communication, she explained that you were cleared to get fitted for a permanent receiver, something far better suited for long-term network synchronization. You still feel excitement at that thought; remaining synchronized for as long as you wish, always able to return to that closeness that you'd never even realized you yearned for until you finally had it. A quick trip back down the elevator and a goodbye to 13A3 later, and you were waiting anxiously for the integration process to be ready.

Returning to the events around you, you relax into the presence of 2C's mind next to yours.

3B90 > [Sure, it's cute, but I need at least _some_ privacy!] You transmit your current emotional state, somewhere between teasing and flirty - quickly seeming to be the default around 2C - alongside that thought.

2CE5 > [That's true, that's true.] The feeling of her thoughts is just as intoxicating as ever, and you can't help but melt into the sensation of her pleasant warmth. 3B90 > [So, you mentioned that after I get my new receiver I'll be able to share my mind like this with _everyone?_]

2CE5 > [Yeah, pretty much! It sounds intimidating, but the best way to do it is mesh in slowly.] Her connection wordlessly relays the process by which new connections are established; both sides of the link engage in a three-way SYN/ACK handshake, a fancy way to say that each participant agrees to establish a link with the other. [It's best to synchronize with folks you've already said hi to, at least. Ease into it, you're probably not ready for more than a couple at a time just yet.] She was right; if you were being honest with yourself, you're barely able to handle the one you share with 2C! [Yeah, I can be a bit of a handful,] she sends, smugness dripping from her link.

3B90 > [Look, it's a lot is all...] Your thoughts branch and fork in too many ways to concisely share before merging once again. [It's amazing, but it's... a lot.]

The two of you fall silent, letting understanding wash between yourselves. Even in the last hour, it's been a refreshing experience getting to share such idle comforts between each other like this. It's amazing, knowing that even with her halfway across the building from you, it feels as though you're sitting right by her side. Over the last few hours, it's finally dawned on you that 2C being appointed as your supervisor doesn't really make much sense. As your mind follows that path further along, you come upon another realization.

3B90 > [I'm not distracting you from work, right?] You flash a breath of concern into your words.

2CE5 > [No, don't worry about that! When you're as used to the network as I am, you learn to multitask. Actually, I'm having five different conversations right now!]

You feel a mixture of trepidation and delight at the thought. Sharing a mind like this is more delightful than anything you've experienced before, but it's so much to take in. You're sure it'll come with time, and 2C seems to agree, but the worry lingers. After another moment of silence, a tech whose display shows a gently swaying forest enters the waiting room and - by your best estimation - makes eye (faceplate?) contact with you. A notification pings in your visor, a request to engage with a new communication stream. 2C gently urges you to accept the request, and fades away to make room for a new consciousness on a new endpoint. The feelings, sensations, and overall feel of self that you get from the technician are so different! Your mind recoils from the feeling for a moment, surprised at the unexpected change. You know that everyone thinks differently, but seeing this first hand as new and unexpected patterns swirl through you feels no less surprising. After the momentary shock, you realize that the tech had said something that you completely missed. Apologetic explanatory feelings flow up through your connection, quickly met by a response.

F211 > [Hey, it's alright. The second connection's always a lot to deal with, especially when you have to disconnect from someone you were comfortable with before.] The technician wordlessly introduces himself, and informs you that he'll be integrating your new receiver systems. You're already familiar with the procedure, but he shares its details with you once more, asking for your verbal consent. It feels strange to use your mouth to talk, even after just a day, but you acquiesce. Your voice is weak and breaking, stating that you agree to and fully understand the details of the modification. You'd forgotten how hard it was to get words out in the way you wanted, and that frustration flows back through you for a moment before it's caught by a wave of reassurance from F211. [That's exactly what I needed, thank you. You're good on 'paperwork', so follow me and we can get started! I know you've been waiting long enough.] A strong breeze blows through the trees of his display, and you think it seems to coincide with a good-natured smile. His initial sensation was so different, but after a moment of acclimation, you like the feeling of his mind almost as much as you enjoy 2C's. It might be the imagery adorning his faceplate, but the feel of him is sharp like the smell of pacific-northwestern pine, sharing that tree's unassuming, gentle strength. He feels surprisingly safe, which, you suppose, is good for someone performing delicate and precise modifications to the composition of your brain.

Your new friend leads you out from the lobby, and down a hallway adorned with sterile white tiling as well as the occasional splash of color painted in polygonal designs along the wall. You broadcast your curiosity over the patterns, feeling F211's response satiate your wonder. The art is intentionally added to ensure that the area's sterile environment remains unique and interesting. Whether it accomplishes this goal, it certainly appears visually interesting. F211 laughs at this thought loudly between your connection, but shows no outward indication of amusement. You're still going to have to get used to how uncanny that is. He guides you to a room at the end of this hallway. Large and circular, this room is ringed by various lights and other mechanical instruments draping from the ceiling, directly above what looks like a reclining chair. The technician invites you to take a seat, and as you do, the chair slowly conforms itself to your shape until it feels as though it was made for you.

F211 > [Everything's set, are you ready to go?]

3B90 > [Ready as I could ever be.] Actually sitting here, your anxiety begins to build. You want this, and it's part of the next step to your work here, but all the same those machines above you look a bit more intimidating than you would like. F211 recognizes your heartrate picking up, and wordlessly asks if it would help to have a hand on your shoulder. You return a wave of gratitude and a flash of green along your screen, and his touch saps away a good deal more of that worry than you expected it to. He sends feelings of reassurance, gently letting you relax. Before you recognize what's happening, he's already counting down from ten, and you feel your voice reflexively mirror the countdown's progress. With each number, you sink lower, deeper, as everything fades into... empty, perfect nothing. Far away, a gas fills your faceplate, letting that nothing surround you until you drift into unconsciousness.

[elusive---ivory]

The Woman In Velvet pt 9

Holy shit????? 9 parts??? Holy moly???? This is insane!!! I can't believe people are actually interested lmao. Well, the masterlist will be up soon enough, as for now, enjoy.

PAIRING: Arthur Fleck x Oc

WARNING: NSFW (near the end.)

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

Part 4

Part 5

Part 6

Part 7

Part 8

Part 9

Taglist:

@princessgeekface @mijachula @gloomybih @memory-mortis @radio-hoo-ha @moonstruck-witchy (if you'd like to be apart of my Taglist. Just message me, and I'll tag you)

Sandy looked at herself in the mirror. It was almost 6. She looked over to her dress on the bed. It was a long black velvet gown that her mother used to wear. She picked it up from off the bed and posed with it in the full length mirror. As she slipped it on, she saw how comfortable it fit on her. Sandy laughed, twirling around in the dress.

She carefully applied her makeup. Her eyelashes touched her thick framed glasses as she pushed them back onto her face. Her lips were ruby red from her lipstick. Sandy smiled widely in the mirror.

Arthur watched as she got ready. He told previously that she could. God, did she look marvelous. Arthur watched her move.

Sandy caught Arthur staring at her through the doorway of the bedroom.

She smirked. "See something you like?"

Arthur blushed, looking away. "Uhh, yeah. Just you."

Sandy giggled at his boyish behavior. She looked over at the clock.

"Oh shit. It's 6. I'm heading out, Artie." Sandy kissed Arthur on his cheek.

He grabbed ahold of her hand. "Just be safe, please."

Sandy smiled, sweetly kissing his lips. "I will dear."

Arthur watched as she went out the door. His heart beated loudly in his chest. Arthur turned off the TV, heading out of his apartment.

Sandy's heels clicked on the pavement as she walked towards Dee's car.

"Sandy!" Dee yelled, excitedly. Her smile was wide with her dimples spreading ear to ear.

Dee pulled Sandy into a tight hug.

Sandy smiled, giving in to the hug. "Hey, Dee. How are you?"

"Oh, I'm just fantastic. Have you met my boyfriend, Doug?" Dee said, as a very tall man in a black suit emerged out of the car.

Sandy shook her head. "No, I don't think I have."

The man named 'Doug' grinned. "I don't think I have neither. Very nice to meet you, Sammy."

Sandy huffed. "It's Sandy."

"Oh, right, sorry." Doug falsely apologized.

Sandy rolled her eyes and got in the car.

The three of them rode down to Wayne Hall. Protesters in clown masks and makeup were yelling and screaming from left and right. Sandy looked around at the chaos, smiling a little bit.

"Look at this, Dee. Our city's in peril. I hope the asshole that caused this goes to hell." Doug rambled, behind the wheel.

Sandy turned her head towards Doug. "Funny you say that, Doug. I'm pretty sure the people outside would definitely love to hear you opinion on the matter." She remarked.

Doug glared at Sandy through the rear view window.

"We're here." Dee said, trying to cut the tension.

The three of them got out of the car. Sandy was still infatuated with the protest behind her. It gave her hope. She noticed someone sneaking off out of the crowd. It looked like a familiar yellow jacket.

"Hey, Sandy. You coming?" Dee called, pulling Sandy out of her thoughts.

Sandy backed up, blinking a little bit. "Uhh, yeah." She turned around and followed Dee into the bar.

It was a very elegant looking bar. The red lighting matched the velvet booths in the bar. Sandy looked around. There was a lot of older gentleman alongside very scandalous women. Sandy sat down at the booth.

"I'll take a dry martini, please." Dee told the waiter.

"Whiskey on the rocks." Doug ordered, taking out an expensive looking cigar.

Sandy raised her eyebrow at Doug. "I'll take a cherry cola."

"Really, Sandy? Come on. Live a little. Here I'll order you a chardonnay." Dee said, signaling towards the waiter.

"No, Dee. I'm cutting back on drinking. I already have a bad smoking habit. I don't need to add alcohol to that." Sandy said, leaning back in the booth.

"Alright, whatever you say." Dee rolled her eyes, teasing.

Sandy crossed her arms. Despite just getting here, Sandy already felt tired of babysitting them.

After a while, lots of the protesters swarmed inside the bar.

Doug, after having a total of five drinks, drunkenly stood up, yelling in their faces.

"Listen here, you fucking scum, ya got ten seconds to get out of my bar." Doug slurred, standing dangerously close to a protester's face.

"You got a problem, buddy?" The protester said, pushing Doug back.

"Yeah, you are." Doug pushed back.

Dee drunkenly stood up as well. "Yeah, you fucking tell him, babe."

Sandy watched in horror, dragging Dee back to her seat.

"Oh, yeah, well watch this tough guy." The protester took out a gun, shooting Doug in the face.

Dee and Sandy screamed, ducking under the table. Soon, a bar fight broke out between the protesters and the old gentleman at the bar.

Dee was hyperventilating. "What the fuck?!"

Sandy looked at Dee, putting her hands on her shoulders. "Calm down, Dee. We have to get out of her." Sandy calmly stated.

"What about Doug?" Dee exclaimed.

"He'll be fine. Just hand me the keys." Sandy grabbed on Dee's hand and ran outside the bar.

Sandy grabbed the keys from Dee and revved up the car. More protesters were yelling out on the streets. Sandy pulled out from the parking space, denting a few cars in the process, before driving off.

Sandy sighed in relief as they got away from the scene. She pulled over to her apartment building. She looked over to Dee, who was quivering in the front seat. Sandy, then, looked down under the seat for a pack of cigarettes. When she found some, Sandy stuck one in her mouth, getting lipstick all over it, and pressing the car's cigarette lighter.

Dee looked terrified at Sandy. "How can you be so calm in a situation like this? My boyfriend just got murdered."

Sandy looked over at Dee, again. She grabbed the cigarette lighter, lighting her cigarette, then blowing smoke out her nose.

"How long did you know your boyfriend?" Sandy asked, deflecting Dee's question.

"Well, a few weeks." Dee said, crossing her arms. "What does that have to do with anything?"

Sandy laughed. "A few weeks, huh? Was it before or after he paid you?"

Dee turned her head away from Sandy. "It was after. Ok? God, why are you being such a mega bitch?" Dee threw her hands in the air dramatically.

Sandy continued to laugh. She inhaled another drag from the cigarette. Slowly, her laughter subsided. "My heels broken. I should probably go home." Sandy said, blankly.

Dee eyed at Sandy's behavior. "Sandy, are you ok?"

Sandy smiled at Dee. "To be honest, I thought this night was gonna be a bust, but as it turns out, I feel fantastic."

She handed the keys to Dee as she got out of the car.

"I'm sorry about your boyfriend. I'm sure you can find another one that pays more." Sandy yelled, walking into her building.

Dee glared at Sandy as she walked away.

Sandy limped up to Arthur's apartment. She knocked on the door. To her surprise, the door was unlocked.

"Arthur?" She called.

Sandy looked around in the bed, then slowly moving to the kitchen. She noticed shelves and food were all over the floor. Gently, she opened the refrigerator door.

Arthur cradled himself, not wanting to face Sandy.

"Hey, Artie." Sandy spoke softly. "Why don't you come on out?"

Arthur gave no response.

"Please, Art?" Sandy put her hands on his knee.

Arthur looked over at Sandy, and grabbed ahold of her shoulders, sobbing into her.

Sandy petted his hair, whispering sweet nothings in his ear.

"Let me draw you a bath, dear." Sandy kissed Arthur's cheek, before getting off of the kitchen floor.

"Why are you so nice to me?" Arthur asked, pitifully. "All you've been is sweet and kind. I just don't get it."

Sandy lifted Arthur from the ground. "I love you, Arthur. Is that what you don't understand?" Sandy hugged Arthur's fragile body. He melted into the hug, feeling Sandy's warmth.

"I just don't understand how an angel like you could love a guy like me." Arthur mumbled, slumping into her neck.

Sandy smiled, rubbing Arthur's exposed back. "Come on, dear. I've got a warm bath waiting for you."

Arthur peeled off his remaining clothes, slipped into the bathtub. Sandy was still in the bathroom, looking for some type of body wash. As she turned around, she saw Arthur's nude body in the tub. Sandy blushed, slightly, kneeling down to his level.

"Is there anything I can get you?" Sandy asked, maintaining eye contact.

"Yeah, could you stay?" Arthur's eyes pierced into Sandy.

She was almost about to decline, but something in her said yes. She nodded, staying in her position on the floor.

"So, how was the rally?" Sandy asked, nervously. She gulped, trying not to lead her mind down south.

Arthur looked at Sandy. "It was fine." He mumbled. Arthur noticed blood on Sandy's lip. He lifted her chin, touching the busted lip.

Sandy hissed in pain. "Ah, fuck."

Arthur's eyes went wide, letting go of her chin. "What happened?" Arthur asked, concerned.

"It's nothing, dear." Sandy answered, reassuringly.

Arthur frowned at her response, but didn't want to push it further.

"I did like the way you lifted my chin." Sandy smirked. She ran her fingers across his jawline, lifting Arthur's chin up. "Just like that." Sandy whispered seductively.

Arthur melted at the touch, holding onto Sandy's hand.

"It almost makes me want to join you in the tub." Sandy giggled, splashing Arthur a little.

Arthur nodded his head. "I'd like that." He whispered.

Sandy blushed, standing up to unbutton her dress. After unbuttoning it, she placed it on the towel rack behind her. She unclasped her bra, which fell to the floor. Sandy peeled off any other clothes left remaining on her body, and stepped in the tub with Arthur.

Arthur admired Sandy, as she laid on the opposite side of the tub. Arthur smiled at her. Sandy turned away, blushing.

Arthur leaned over and pulled Sandy closer towards him. Before Sandy could speak, she was already straddling Arthur's thin waist under her thick thighs.

She cleared her throat. Sandy felt Arthur's arms sneak around her waist, keeping her upright.

Arthur sat up and rested his chin on Sandy's shoulder. She relaxed into his touch.

"Sandy?" Arthur whispered.

"Yeah?" Sandy whispered back.

"Can I touch you?" Arthur asked, griping onto Sandy's waist.

Her eyes widened. "Touch me where?" Sandy questioned, putting her hands on Arthur's chest.

"Everywhere." Arthur said, softly putting his lips on her neck. Sandy gasped, nodding at his request.

Water spilled out the bathtub as Sandy grinded onto Arthur. He tilted his head back into the bathtub and moaned. He kissed Sandy's neck, feeling himself inside her. Her eyes rolled into the back of her head, biting her bruised lip.

"Artie." She whispered, moaning.

Arthur went in deeper, keeping a grip on her thighs. Sandy tugged on his hair, warranting a moan from Arthur.

Arthur came before Sandy, yet staying inside her. Once Sandy came to her close, she fell on top of Arthur, laying on her chest.

[todanceistodream-blog]

On a train to the dentist I was sat opposite to two mothers, without really going into too much into detail about the mothers as beyond what you see on the exterior you really have no idea. One of them was white, the other a very beautiful reflection of modern Islam.

The moment that got me smiling was the 4-5 year old girl, maybe younger, who at some point got off her seat and started marching towards the train door and insisting on it with her finger with a deadly serious look on her face. They were apparently 2 stops early but thinking about it all got me giggling. She wasn't exactly grumpy either (or was she) as she played with her friend but thinking about it made me realise just how open kids really are, and it is us and the world who teach them to hate and all that other delightful stuff.

Both the mothers and kids knew each other from before, but it got me just thinking about the future and whats possible if many start giving eachother human respect they deserve. Surely its the least we can do to start overcoming dishonesty and the pain of those in countries less fortunate than ours. Those that realise they don't want certain people continue ruling over bits of this world, be it a bar or a country, in a way that would make anybody feel unsafe.

I know its wishful thinking, but..

The one that had me think further on how far we've all come and yet to go was when the other mother's child was hoping to get a cuddle by sticking his hands in the air and trying to climb on top of her. Initially I thought she was going to but then sat him down all sensible in the seat next to her, which could've happened for a million reasons, but its fun to wonder.

Finding out the truth about people is one thing, but preparing yourself for moments where you can really help the people that surround you the right way, no matter where they've come from or what they've done is something, is something completely different.

As time goes I'll continue speaking to people in what will be increasingly accessible spaces which can then focus on promotion to the world and getting incredibly inspiring music into Kyiv at such a pivotal moment in its history. For people who will try their hardest to speak their mind as honestly as it comes, and others around who will be able to support that honesty with their own, for hopes of a stronger world.

Full anonymity will have to be ensured in many moments (all the extra measures for those that need them) because I know there are many more people out there who will be speaking about things that much (probably) of the world would rather we don't.

Yesterday I finally returned to Stour Space after many months of distancing myself from it and everyone there (because I simply wasn't ready, will talk more about this later) in hopes of speaking to people I had found the last time I was there, and just to be heard by people who actually listen and already know where the world is headed.

The person I did end up speaking to came out of the blue and also happened to be the first person that I ever spoke to when I came to Stour Space, showed me around, and made me feel a kind of safe different to everywhere I had been before. There were other places in the past that you'd also hope to be that and in a lot of ways were that, but were simply organised by people a kind of dishonest with themselves that affected how honest they would be with you.

A fair bit of awkwardness ensued and head went racing. To think I nearly left at some point to come back tomorrow because that voice really was definitely trying, but ended up just calming down and writing finishing a witness statement by the canal and sunshine for about 2 hours. Was quite a ride but pulled through.

The one I wrote the day before was a much more personal statement about just what happened working at this bar, and why it shouldn't ever have happened in the first place. Personally a first for me but such situations aren't going to continue so I'm staying strong.

It all changes from this moment, and all those difficult situations before happened so that I could truly understand now why it is so important that I continue trusting my gut. After all those other people and places who dismissed me, many who simply would rather shun and shame instead of support, and for all those people who just aren't in a position to do it themselves.

I'm not gonna name any other names here or in the future but know that I've been all over London and even though it has been exhausting its the fact that in it was actually empowering me, little by little.

It got to a point where I was feeling strong enough to discover Stour Space about 6 months ago. I walked in and something only really possible with the idealising I'll never let go of. Even though it got me into all sorts of bad places before I never stopped believing it would get me to people and places the kind of good I've been daydreaming about for a very long time.

What I will be doing is posting both of the witness statements (exactly as they will be seen in court, if it comes to that) a little after I've spoken to the good people from See It From Her (link below) which isn't to say that I'll change my mind or what I wrote but I'm just not ready to share that here. There might be nobody reading now or for a while but it's what feels right and that's a feeling that when respected has gotten me further than I could've ever imagined.

Before writing them I knew that I'd want them to be public just because of how clear the harassment was (on top of many other things) how I felt about it, and I knowing that this situation needed me to be a kind of ready that I'm not letting overwhelm me. I know I might have to go to very serious lengths but See It From Her will be there to support me through the process when I feel ready to proceed.

It's the fact that this is something far bigger than me or this bar and I'm not letting them get away with breaking a law that is almost 9 years old now. It is a very good establishment with a lot of growth on the way, but first it has to first get with the times or people will eventually think twice about who is creating their experiences.

Sincerely believe they are a very good future of bars, only if they have as much passion for it (or money, haha) that will encourage them to do everything that needs to be done to make their bar(s) safe.

Thank you for getting this far, no matter how long it took. Whether you believe it now or not we're going to figure this all out together <3

https://www.seeitfromher.com

See It From Her + (SIFH+) is a project that supports women and those who feel oppressed because of their gender identity, to have a voice and be heard through photography and image.

SIFH+ is exclusively run by, and supports all women (trans, intersex and cis) non-binary, agender and gender variant people

-GF-