#i don't struggle with this in my original work is the thing. sure sometimes i'll use my Fanfic Writing Style(TM) but often i won't

[arosnowflake]

Been thinking lately about the Fanfic Writing Style(TM) and how incredibly restrictive it is because any deviation from a fairly paint-by-numbers third person POV tends to be wildly alienating to the average fanfic reader, and will actively be avoided.

This is especially obvious when you look at how first person POV fics are treated; they are automatically associated with bad quality, and people will immediately turn away from a fanfic the moment they see it's written in first person. There are reasons for this; firstly, it is true that beginning writers will often use first person because it feels a little more accessible than the other options, and most beginning writers are of course not very good yet on a technical level, especially not if they are also children, which many fanfic writers are. So the association between first person and bad quality is not entirely baseless (though, y'know. definitely at least a little mean spirited, if unintentionally so). Secondly, and this is a personal sentiment but one I've seen some people echo: first person can read weird when combined with fanfic, because fanfic often does not benefit from a closer connection with the POV character. We are here to watch blorbo do thing, it can feel a little weird when it is instead I doing the thing, y'know? This is personal preference, of course; no accounting for that.

However, regardless of the reasons, kneejerk avoidance of first person POV fics is probably one of the driving factors behind the homogenization of the fanfic writing style. It's difficult to put into words to me, but especially if you read a lot of fanfic, at some point it's obvious that most of these stories are written in the exact same way, with the same sentence structure, cadence, and metaphors. The often-mocked italicized Oh, usually used in its own paragraph, usually used in a romantic context, is an example of this: a writing quirk turned universal enough specifically in fanfic to be singled out and ridiculed for its frequency.

This style isn't inherently bad, many authors pull it off very well, but it's certainly restricting. Essentially banning the usage of the first person POV alone is already severely limiting, but even just a slightly different usage of the third person POV is discouraged if everyone is writing the exact same way.

This leads to an overarching problem in fandom, namely that all characters tend to sound the same. The style of writing is the same whether writing about a jaded 40-year-old man or a peppy 12-year-old girl. A story set in 1940's France will have more or less the same writing as a story set in 2010's America. Writers do often try to add little details to their narration to distinguish different characters, and success with this varies, but is usually limited. Narration in fandom is rarely personalized to the character, and instead falls into the homogenized fandom style more than anything else.

I don't have a specific goal with this post. I'm not necessarily saying 'we need to STOP big fandom's writing style' or whatever, I don't think that's productive or feasible. I do think that we should all, as readers, be a little more open to stuff like first person POV fics or stranger prose experiments rather than skipping over or closing out of a fic as soon as we encounter them, and as authors (if you actually care about improving your writing) I'm encouraging you to take a look at the prose style used in your fanfic and see if you could diversify it because oftentimes readers do respond positively when they see it, so I guess if there's anything to take away from this post as a call to action, it's that. But mostly this is just me musing on something I've noticed in my own fanworks recently that irritates me.

[she-posts-nerdy-stuff]

Intro post! + links to everything :)

Hi, I'm DK and this blog is mostly full of me talking about the Six of Crows and the rest of the Grishaverse! (and I'm also on AO3 as she_posts_nerdy_stuff)

It's occurred to me recently that I never did an intro post and also I'm just generally feeling that things over here are super disorganised so I've gone through all of my posts since 2022 (this was not a quick task you guys omg) and done my best to organise everything into tags so that you can access them all from here! All the links to the tags, or sometimes individual posts, are below the cut, and the categories are AO3, Grishaverse analysis, Grishaverse edits, Grishasverse knitting projects, and Grishaverse incorrect quotes.

Please note: this is a lot of stuff to wade through and I am sure to have missed the odd thing, but hopefully this is pretty mch everything! If you're looking for something that I've said should be here and can't find it, let me know and I'll do my best to track it down :)

Thank you all so much, love to you all <3

AO3 LINKS (I'm starting with the easier links, I don't have to make tags for these ones)

Original works

As I'm writing this I have four fics up on AO3, two of which are works in progress, and I'll update this post whenever that changes (ie when I finish them or when I start a new one)

UPDATE: Five fics now! Links are below <3

Daughter of the Rain and Snow

225k words, 146 chapters, Kanej focused with Wesper featured and Helnik kinda mentioned, post-canon, no archive warnings, completed

Summary:

Around ten years after the events of Crooked Kingdom, 25-year-old Captain Inej Ghafa frees Maya Olsen from a pleasure house in Ketterdam. Maya is looking for revenge against the man who put her in her position, a man who she knows nothing about except his name: Kaz Brekker.

Don't Go Blindly Into The Dark

100k + words, 60+ chapters, Wesper focused with Kanej featured and Helnik mentioned, pre-canon, canon divergence, no archive warnings, work in progress

Summary:

To hide that he can't read, Jan Van Eck has been forcing his son to pretend he's blind since he was eight years old. Wylan is now attending Ketterdam University, and meeting Jesper Fahey may very well be about to change his life. But is he safe to tell Jesper the truth? And what will Jesper say if he does?

Jesper is struggling to weigh up his life in the Barrel and his life at the University of Ketterdam, and there's a good chance that his growing debt is about to make the decision for him. He hasn't attended class consecutively for months, but maybe that will change when his newest project includes partnering up with Wylan Van Eck. But can he really leave the Barrel behind him? And how long can he keep up the pretence of who he thinks Wylan wants him to be?

Meanwhile there is a darkness growing in Ketterdam, and it seems a killer may be stalking the streets of West Stave. An unknown evil is closing its jaws over the city, and it’s starting to feel like nowhere is safe.

Our Gods Have Abandoned Us

19k + words, 11 chapters, Helnik and Kanej with Wesper kinda featured, so much angst, post-canon, canon-divergence (Van Eck wins AU), major character death, work in progress

This one properly started with this post

Summary:

"Of course they do, Jes," Kaz flexed his fingers in his gloves, "That's what losing a war means. And when that war comes, Kerch can't afford for Shu Han to win it. They'll back Fjerda against Ravka now so that when Shu Han turn against them Fjerda will back them in return. Ravka's navy will fall to Kerch's, most of Ravka's territory will go to Fjerda and if it has any money left then I expect plenty of it will be given to Kerch as part of the deal. The Shu will move against Fjerda to take back the territories they were trying to win from Ravka, and Fjerda will pay them little mind until they declare war on Kerch. Novyi Zem will back Shu Han, because they still think their trade ambassador was killed by the Kerch in what was actually Shu Han's last attempt to start a war over here, Fjerda will back Kerch, refugees will flee to the Wandering Isle and their economy won't be able to withstand it, and meanwhile I will remain exactly where I am and get drunk toasting to the end of the world. You're all welcome to join me,"

OR -

A Van Eck wins AU, mostly exploring how the Crows would respond to the situation but I have some semblance of a larger plot forming I just need to piece it together

If I'm Good Will You Come Back?

2k words, 1 chapter, sad and angst, gen but Helnik mentioned, canon compliant, major character death, completed

Summary:

Five times Matthias Helvar spoke to his baby sister through Djel, and one time that she answered

I’ve put major character death as a tag but it’s nothing beyond canon, it’s just depicted in this fic from a slightly different perspective 👍

Portrait of a Dead Girl

7 chapters so far, gen but also F/M, Alina and the Darkling are in a relationship in this but it isn't shipping them and the Darkling is the villain, canon divergence, alternate universe, rape/non-con, underage, major character death, work in progress

Summary:

Alina Starkov was given to Duke Aleksander Morozova of Os Alta in marriage when she was fifteen years old. Within a year, she was dead. The official cause of Alina's death was marked as putrid fever, but many at the time believed, and many in the future will go on to believe, that she was poisoned by her husband.

-

This fic is completely inspired by The Marriage Portrait by Maggie O'Farrel, which is a work of historical fiction based on the real lives of Duchess Lucrezia d'Este (née de' Medici) and Duke Alfonso ii d'Este of Ferrara. You don't need any prior knowledge of The Marriage Portrait or history to read and enjoy this fic, but know that my writing is very much going to mimic that of O'Farrel in format and although I'm hoping to write the story in my personal usual writing style I will definitely be borrowing a lot of my descriptors, symbols, and so on and so forth from O'Farrel - there will be some of mine too though :)

Somehow, Through The Storm

11 chapters so far but ongoing, kanej-centric with wesper and helnik featured, angst like you wouldn't believe, but also some happier times (ish), alternate universe, major character death, rape/non-con, work in progress

Summary:

In the slums of the Warehouse District, Kaz and Inej are struggling their way through a seemingly unending winter. Wrapped up in a stranger's overcomplicated marriage contract that he is convinced is key to solving the merciless weather, Kaz remains busy and distracted for days on end, putting everything else at risk. So when a storm ravages the city and sweeps Inej into danger, the offer of safety, food, and a place to stay is an overwhelming one - no matter the cost. Terrified of mounting threats, Inej signs a contract - not knowing she would land herself trapped at the Menagerie. Kaz signs a contract that states if he can walk all the way through the city and back to the Warehouse District with Inej behind him, never looking back at her, they will both go free. But this is the Barrel, the darkest part of the city where the rules of physics can change with the stroke of a pen; the journey back will not be the same as journey there… * This is a Hadestown-inspired reimagining of the tale of Orpheus and Eurydice, casting Kaz and Inej as our main characters and heavily featuring our beloved Crows, set in an alternate version of the Grishaverse with a different magic system based entirely on contracts.

Recommendations

Posts where I'm recommending fics can be found here

GRISHAVERSE ANALYSIS LINKS

Okay this is gonna be where this starts getting complicated to organise but here we go, and hopefully now that I have this as a place to keep it organised I'll be able to routinely come back here and update it so we can keep it all together :)

Assorted analysis - Grishaverse

Grishaverse asks

-> subcategory of asks: 'DK finally gets it together and answers her asks because it's about damn time (working title)'

Chapter-by-chapter SOC analysis

(NOTE: I've really been meaning to bring this series back I just haven't had time, are people still interested??)

Specific posts (I've put these ones here because they're generally the ones people ask to be tagged in or that I reference in other posts)

Kanej bathroom scene analysis

Kaz and Wylan's potential to become each other

Rare Spices Billboard

Inej vs the Wraith

Kaz's views on hierarchy

Religion in the Grishaverse (this one is mostly Djel and a little bit of the Saints; I did also write a lot in a reblog of a really good post on Ghezenism by @skepticalcatfrog as well so if you're interested in either part of that you can find it here, I would highly recommend reading their post it's really interesting)

Shadow and Bone TV show analysis

GRISHAVERSE EDIT LINKS

I'm not really sure how to organise this one but all of them are tagged here

If people would like me to I could come back and try to arrange them by character or ship or something?

GRISHAVERSE KNITTING LINKS

Most of the time when I post about this stuff I give updates on all of them, but if you happen to want to filter them (or if I need to come back looking for something specific) then here are the projects:

Kefta cardigan

Six of Crows blanket

Toy crows of the Crows

GRISHAVERSE INCORRECT QUOTES

I organised these by their sources because there were too many for me to choose another way to sort them tbh

Text posts I made based on things my friends and I have actually said. In real life. - the series

Source: friends

Source: the completely made up adventures of Dick Turpin

Source: community

Source: Parks and Rec

Source: the good place

Source: modern family

Source: our flag means death

Source: ghostbusters

Source: renegade nell

Source: the office

Source: young sheldon

Source: the cornetto trilogy

Source: big bang theory

Source: what we do in the shadows

[bogkeep]

grousing about ai art stuff

every time i open twitter (my mistake) there's a new thread on how to spot ai art or ai photos by finding all the mistakes in it, and like obviously this is useful and it's good to watch out because they kEEP SHOWING UP EVERYWHERE AHHH HELL WORLD HELL WORLD, but it's also a little depressing that we're training ourselves to nitpick all kinds of details within a piece of art.

like even before the artifically generated image boom randos on twitter would reply to fully finished illustrations with the most asinine unsolicited advice possible. art's gonna be flawed sometimes! i'll draw someone in a weird pose because of vibes! i'll wing a hand! i don't fucking know what a house actually looks like!!! like yes of course the way a human artist creates flawed art is different from the way an algorithm doesn't actually know what anything looks like because it has no mind. it doesn't know shit. so it's not that it's UNRELIABLE but it's like. it's like... i've been telling myself and others every time i'm struggling to make something look Just Right that actually nobody i going to be staring as hard at my art as i am while making it. if i don't point it out people aren't likely to notice unless they are going through it with a fine toothed comb BUT NOW WE ARE DOING THAT APPARENTLY. WHICH IS ANYONE'S PEROGATIVE AND FAIR ENOUGH! PEOPLE CAN LOOK AT MY ART HOWEVER THEY WANT IT'S FINE

but it's ALSO so depressing to consider having to analyse every single piece of art you come across like that my goddddddd i just wanna enjoy it!! i wanna enjoy art!!!! i mean the main reason i finally stopped going on twitter regularly was during the NFT boom and i got so tired of having to vet every single artist i came across to make sure i wasnt retweeting nft stuff. like that really ruined my previously enjoyable experience of LOOKING AT NICE ART ON MY FEED WITHOUT PSYCHOLOGICAL WARFARE.

god another thing that happened during the dark nft times was how certain art styles tended to be nfts. and i don't mean the ugly apes and stuff, like of course there's those, but there were a lot of artists who sold their souls to crypto and there was just a certain Vibe to a lot of those styles. like i got a sixth sense for it, i would see a piece of art by an unknown artists and when i checked - yep, that was a crypto guy now. and you know what!!!! i hated that!!!! i hate that it ruined entire art styles for me!! AND NOW ARTIFICIALLY GENERATED IMAGES ARE DOING THE SAME!!!!! like what tends to tip me off is less because i spotted some wonky hand or a weird flap but because the style is a popular one for the ai bros to imitate. you know what i mean right!!!!!! it's kind of how the ai photos look a bit too clean and crisp and smooth in an unsettling way. it just pings the brain a bit.

ULTIMATELY the absolute main method i have for filtering away ai images isn't so much looking for mistakes, but by checking sources. it's the same way i check that i'm not reblogging from reposting accounts Because That's A Thing I Care About Too - if there's no description or the description seems off and i don't recognise the OP, i check the original post/blog to see what's up. if the image gives me a weird vibe, i check where it comes from and who posted it. oftentimes the comments on posts with ai images will point it out - they're not always accurate and there's definitely been times where people are a little too trigger happy to accuse art of being AI... but it can be a good lead or confirm suspicions. on one hand, i don't want to do detective work while im having chill scrolling time, but on the other hand - i already had this habit for other reasons, so it's less disruptive to me than the alternative. it also helps that it's very rare for ai shit to turn up in my tumblr feed. i don't want to keep looking over my shoulder!!

(also for anyone who wants a little bit of optimism in the middle of all this, here's an episode of Better Offline podcast that outlines how it's very unlikely for generative ai to actually get much better. here's the part two also.)

[yuseirra]

What if Ai and Hikaru are "gods who don't realize they are gods"? The idea of such entities were suggested recently (I went and checked, it's mentioned on chapter 144)

and tsukuyomi even said "I'm sure your mother is watching you somewhere in this world, she might be looking down as a star, you know?" to aqua during chapter 118. This may not just be a taunt, but something that's actually true. This idea of Ai being a reincarnation of the brightest star is something that's been introduced in the song IDOL already("一番星の生まれ変わり") and it's something that's stuck out to me because Ruby had once mentioned something about Ai being "chosen by the gods" and that Ruby herself is an incarnation of Amaterasu, the goddess of the sun(Ch3). This is brushed off as a joke but with what's been mentioned there.. it's something that can be important.

that's why Ai can't be reborn as person again, maybe? She's returned to being a god and is watching her children and kamiki from afar, protecting them and helping them in ways she could?

In "Fatal" a person (most likely to be Ai) that's is dearly pursued by the speaker of the song is described as a star-like being:

Your eyes with glittering stars in them

A dazzling light that saves all from loneliness

You have given me a fatal flaw Selfish giant star, ruined lives

The idea of their love being a "star"'s continuously being revisited throughout the song. What if Ai really WAS a star that had a form of a human once and has returned back to being it after death?

and it's because of the "star" that the speaker(who I think is kamiki) decides to "embrace his destiny"

Please, keep your eyes on me I'll weaponize even the pain carved by fate So that it can light the regrets from sometime

Your beauty radiating from far away causing Burnt eyes, stripped feathers, creative fall from heaven

Taking over every field of vision You shine egoistically Even the feelings kept deep in my heart I will drag them out and sublimate And I will embrace all of my destiny

I will not stop to struggle on this stage I want to get closer to the only [ai] This foreordained destiny

It's the darkness that fell out from the light of that star

Doesn't Kamiki's name have "light" and "god" in it? Either he has something to do with the gods or is one himself without realizing what he is, and starts to accept some sort of fate he has himself after having met with Ai

and it makes sense for him to go

Keep your eyes on me, my dearest fatale!

because she REALLY COULD be watching what he's doing from the stars, trying to get closer to her so desperately

it's really interesting if you start to take kamiki as a god of some sort, because that'd explain how he's unintentionally caused others to grow insane by the things he's said. He told Uehara about Airi and he ends up killing her. He told Ryosuke about Ai and he stalks and murders her. Maybe he's been subconsciously using his divinity of a god making people to take action but it ended up all twisted and it doesn't work out the way he originally intends for it to be. With the case of Yura, what he's said about her ends up coming true too, maybe she really didn't watch her steps on the mountains but that was because of his powers of a god that's caused it?

This would explain why the police never found him suspicious after Goro and Yura's death and the other murders (if he's really caused any/and more of it), there's no way to prove he's the one that'd done it because he really didn't do it in a physical sense.

So Ai, who's returned to being a god now, could be trying to stop him through her children? And Tsukuyomi is getting involved in this because Kamiki's going out of line as his duties as a god(although he doesn't know if he's one) too?

Anyway, that's what's been on my mind today. The idea of gods have been introduced time to time, and I feel some of the major characters would have to do with it.. the twins were reincarnated for a purpose too(ch. 75) and itd make sense if it's because of what'd been going on for their respective parents in this new life. If so, the gods have their children fix what their parents are up to.

[myokk]

20 q's for fic writers

tagged by @crushribbons love you Laney😙😙😙😙💓💓💓

How many works do you have on AO3? I am a humble baby writer so I only have three...so far

What's your total AO3 word count? 99,211...before I joined tumblr and fanart hell (affectionate) I was writing SO MUCH...I started in January bahahahahhahahahahahahah

What fandoms do you write for? Hogwarts Legacy, but in the future I'll probably do Tomione…beginning of death eaters super evil but sexy 1940s Tom Riddle making Hermione turn evil… (among others). Tbh (fanart-wise NOT writing) I also want to draw harvest moon…stardew valley…x files… I would love to attempt writing for P&P bc I have so many ideas, but I am too lazy to make sure they're historically accurate and it would drive me crazy if they arent so I'll just enjoy them hehe

Top five fics by kudos? I only have three published so far, but the most popular is my Ominis oneshot, legilimency. I have no idea how that one actually got readers...but I'm happy bc I really like it too and I reread it sometimes!! My main fic is actually doing a lot better than I expected too, bc when I started posting I was just shouting into the void and I wasn’t part of the community or anything🥹 the little excerpts I post here too, that go along with my writing, also do a lot better than I expected and it makes me so happy to read your comments💓

Do you respond to comments? yes!!!!! Comments/hashtags always make me SO HAPPY and these interactions are the fun of sharing these things with you all. I get swamped by notifications sometimes so I might respond super late but I always try to bc I LOVE YOU ALL SOOOOOOOOO MUCH!!

What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending? my main fic...I have a horrible ending planned but I might chicken out at the end and make it happy. in my fanarts I can make them happy so that might be enough for me...and I’ll go with the evil ending muahahahahahaa

What is the fic you wrote with the happiest ending? the Imelda/Poppy fic. Honestly it's not popular but it holds SUCH A SPECIAL PLACE IN MY HEART...it’s popular to me😤 I reread it a lot...my love letter to Imelda

Do you get hate on fics? I don't think so...If I do I'm out of the loop bahahahhahahahaha. Honestly I've had haters before on other platforms and it's not something that really bothers me bc if I don't personally know someone, I don't care what they think...and like Laney said...if they don't like something they should just make what they want to see instead lol

Do you write smut? yes😳

Craziest crossover? None I Am A Boring Girl

Have you ever had a fic stolen? not that I know of!!!!! But I also just started writing this year. I've had my art stolen sooooooo many times before though on IG and tiktok (not here yet that I know of…). If it's just copying my art I don't mind that much with these fanarts because that's how you learn and a copy will never look like the original but...

Have you ever had a fic translated? nope!!

Have you ever co-written a fic before? No but I'm collaborating with @versailles-black for fanart shenanigans bc our MCs are cousins🥹💓 plus the whole Leo/Bea thing with @the-ozzie …I’m actually considering writing a oneshot about the two of them so I think it counts!!

All time favorite ship I have two...Elizabeth/Mr Darcy have had me in a vicelike grip for my whole life...but so have Scully and Mulder...

What's a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will? I really really really want to write my Ominis longfic that's a continuation of my oneshot, but it's hard to find the time to write lately bc I've been so busy!!! like...even finding time to do these fanarts is a struggle these days. I still have hope I'll finish it though bc apart from ME wanting to read it there are a few others who are also looking forward to it!!!

What are your writing strengths? no idea🥲

Thoughts on dialogue in another language? I personally like it!!! But only if it's used correctly...I've seen Spanish in fics before where the person CLEARLY doesn't speak it and it drives me crazy, esp if the character is supposed to be Spanish-speaking. Or...when people add random phrases in with the rest English, bc as a bilingual person I feel like it doesn't really work like that lol. I added some Spanish to the Imelda oneshot I wrote and I like to read it when it's done naturally, and if anyone asks me for translation in the comments I’m happy to oblige🥰

First fandom you wrote in? Hogwarts Legacy is my first fandom ever bahahahhahahahahah

Favorite fic you've written? tbh I love all three that I've written so far!!!!!! I can't choose🥹🥹

Laney said there's no 20th question…I love you all😙😙😙

zerooo pressure tags for @kay9leo @writing-intheundercroft @heyitszev @noxxytocin and anyone else who thinks it would be fun to answer🥹💓😙💓😙

[an-indecisive-nerd]

As I promised to some of you lovely people, here's a brief (it's not at all brief I apologize) introduction to the gods of my world.

All the gods of my world are related, they are all part of the Alarie family. Here I'll be giving some basic info about each member (minus the ones that aren't gods), then I'll follow up with individual character introductions assuming it wouldn't spoil anything.

Universe

The goddess of the universe and creation, she is the original God and the matriarch of the Alarie family. Her real name is Ellowyn.

She's a very kind and nurturing soul, and a wonderful mother. She loves all her creations and is very happy with the universe she's created. She's also in charge of Heaven.

- Preferred form: female

- Domains: Creation, Heaven, existence as a whole

- Followers' robe colour: N/A

- Accent: Italian

Chaos

God of chaos and destruction. He's Ellowyn's husband and his real name is Casimir.

His entire goal in life is pretty much just to stir shit up for no reason, and he never fails to do just that. He sometimes goes a little too far and has to be trapped in the core of a planet for a century or two to cool off.

- Preferred form: Either

- Domains: Destruction, chaos, the end of everything, black holes, hell

- Followers robe colour: N/A

- Accent: Scottish

Darkness

Cas and Ellowyn's first born son, he's the oldest the second generation of gods, though when they’re discussed he's usually listed last. His real name is Caliban.

The second generation onwards of gods are the ones that actually take on specific followers, but of all of them Caliban takes on the least. He tends to be considered the loner of the family, and his manner can seem very calculated and cold to most. It's never clear what he's planning.

- Preferred form: Either

- Domains: Darkness, power, ambition, strategy, evil (in certain regions), cold, night

- Followers robe colour: Black

- Accent: Canadian

Sun

The second child of Ellowyn and Cas, she became the ruler of the gods after Caliban abdicated the throne. Her real name is Ravindra.

Ravi has a lot of responsibilities as ruler of the gods, and thus tends to be a workaholic. As a god more responsibilities means more power though, so she's also quite arrogant and proud. Underneath that arrogant shell though is a woman who deeply cares for her family and would do anything to protect them.

- Preferred form: Female (uses male form more often because of {spoilers})

- Domains: The sun, Honesty, Clarity, wisdom, Knowledge, leadership, light, purity, revenge, etc. Etc. Etc.

- Followers robe colour: Yellow

- Accent: Indian

Moon

Goddess of the Moon, third child of Ellowyn and Cas. Her real name is Esmeray.

Esmeray tends to be a passive observer of the events of the universe. Or at least, that's what it looks like. In reality, Esmeray is the goddess of prophecy, and she's constantly working to make sure her universe goes in the right direction, using gentle nudges that even the other gods don't notice. She inherited a healthy love of chaos from Cas, so she does occasionally use this power for mischief, but she always has good intentions.

- Preferred form: female

- Domains: the Moon, prophecy, illusions, lies, sleep, blindness

- Followers robe colour: purple

- Accent: Stereotypical valley girl

Air

Air god, fourth child, real name is Audra

Audra, fittingly, is a wanderer and a free spirit. They struggle with taking things seriously, and there's not much that can bring the air God down. The downside? They can be a bit of an airhead.

- Preferred form: Either (they switch forms constantly, rarely staying in the same form longer than an hour)

- Domains: Air, freedom, creativity, traveling parties, indecisiveness, drugs

- Followers robe colours: Light blue

- Accent: Boston

Earth

Fifth child, her real name is Adamina.

Adamina is a very kind woman. She's the goddess of nature and motherhood and as such she practically adopts all of her followers. She has many children of her own, so many in fact that they can't be made into gods and have to be content with basic immortality.

- Preferred form: Female (never switches)

- Domains: Earth, nature, animals, plants motherhood, marriage, peace, kindness

- Followers robe colour: Green

- Accent: Australian

Love

Sixth child, real name is Cerys. He has the most... eclectic set of powers.

Cerys is the black sheep of the Alarie family. He used to be the God of prophecy as well as love, and disappeared shortly before a major event because of a vision he had. Usually in order to do this you have to give up your God powers, but Cerys somehow found a way to retain most of them, only giving away a few to throw people off. He seems like a rather simple man, friendly and sweet, your stereotypical kind love god. However if you suspect there may be more to him than that, you wouldn't be the first...

- Preferred form: Depends

- Domains: Love, time, passion (non-sexual), poetry, {spoilers}

- Followers robe colour: N/A

- Accent: Ukrainian

Fire

Seventh child, real name Cyra.

Cyra is charming and polite, but also reckless and a bit dim. He's quick to anger and can be aggressive, but it's not too difficult to calm him down.

- Preferred form: Either

- Domains: Fire, change, passion (sexual), warmth, war, aggression, obsession, forging

- Followers robe colour: Red

- Accent: Southern

Water

Cyra's younger twin sister, real name Rayan.

Rayan tends to be very laid back and go with the flow. She's very accepting of people and rather calm in general. The exception is that she is a god of jealousy. She protests all her siblings' relationships, particularly Cyra's, and tries to convince them to break up often. Other than that she’s chill.

- Preferred form: Whichever one Cyra's not using

- Domains: Water, adaptability, acceptance, jealousy, emotions

- Followers robe colour: Dark blue

- Accent: Greek

Life

Life is the first of the third generation and is Ravi's adopted child. I can't reveal his name because spoilers

Life works a lot, much like his mother, and he also has her proud streak. He has a passion for experiments, which is why creatures like the platypus exist. Most of the time when asked about his work he'll respond with something along the lines of "You wouldn't get it", but if he thinks there's a chance that you would get it and you do manage to get him talking about it, he'll ramble on for hours, saying a million words per minute in the hopes of being able to discuss all his ideas before you shut him down.

- Preferred form: Male

- Domains: Life, healing, beauty, souls

- Followers robe colours: N/A

- Accent: Ancient roman

Death

This one is considered the adopted child of Caliban. Once again I can't reveal her name because spoilers.

Death is quite reserved. She’s very compassionate and does her best to ease good people's passing. She enjoys being able to bring justice to those who were cruel. She’s often seen as the gods' scapegoat, because she has many of the domains that are generally considered bad. Don't feel bad for her though, she signed up for this role. Why? Even the gods aren't sure.

- Preferred form: Either

- Domains: Death, pain, suffering, paranoia, madness, loss, grief, torture, being trapped, chains, etc.

- Followers robe colours: burgundy

- Accent: British

And that is finally all the gods. I'm so sorry.

@pheonix358 @unforgettable-sensations @littleladymab

@satohqbanana @megamijadeheart @my-bright-legacy

@thecomfywriter @wyked-ao3 @ominous-feychild

[senblades]

Tell us about the planning doc!!!

thank you very much for indulging me HAHA

So I started writing the planning doc like. When I really shouldn't have LMAO- I wasn't busy right then, but I was absolutely about to be. Oh well! What's done is done.

The planning doc is, essentially, a full outline of all the plot of fftsr, told exclusively in dumb jokes and memes ¯\_(ツ)_/¯. Or, well, more accurately, a dumping ground for all my ideas in chronological order, marked with dates and some (emphasis on SOME lmao) of the confidant rank ups for Akechi and Ren.

I'll share some of the outline already written in chapters to get my point across: (UH MAJOR AND MINOR SPOILORS FOR FAITH FOR THE SECOND RUN- earlier chapters, mostly)

As you can see, not everything from the doc makes the cut. Sometimes things just don't work anymore, or I can't quite find a place to shoehorn it. I'm pretty sure a line showing how Sumire was struggling without a team never made it into the chapter- or, if it did, it was so negligible that it doesn't even matter.

Plus, I definitely hadn't figured out all the scene-by-scene POV's by that point. The "April 18" bullet point implies that scene might have taken place from Sumire's POV, but the final chapter actually has it as Ren's.

I also put all my Metaverse powerpoint slide intermittently as they become relavent. I'm not actually sure if this explanation ever made it into a chapter... I think Akechi might have implied it? But I don't think it was ever spelled out, since I couldn't find a smooth way to do it. Oh well! Here it is now!

There's also outlines of character conversations and motivations, as expected. The level of detail within the planning doc is VERY uh. Well, it's dependant on a lot of things. There are some major beats that I just hadn't thought of until writing the actual chapters, but some of the character-related convos that are more centred to the plot got written down pre-writing chapter 1

From memory, I think the above scene also changed slightly in the final fic. Sometimes what I write as character motivations in the planning doc ends up being VERY DIFFERENT by the time I get to the actual chapter. And, sometimes, the characters just run away with a scene HAHA

Speaking of character convos, some of my jokes in the planning doc made it, almost word for word, into the fic's chapters. Akechi hysterically wondering if Rank 3 is the "deepest darkest secrets" Rank Up is something that I wanted to immortalise lmao

As you can also see, though, not all of the confidant rank-ups were planned- Magician rank 2 is implied, but I didn't actually know what it was going to be at the time.

And then there's the confidants I didn't have planned at ALL:

(UH SPOILERS UP UNTIL CHAPTER 46)

The Tower and the Aeon are the worst offenders of this: I retroactivaly added the Aeon into the planning doc- an easy feat, since it coincides with the Justice, but just know that it absolutely wasn't there originally lmao. The Aeon came about in two stages, if I'm remembering correctly- I wrote the dream sequence where Ren didn't remember shit, but some vision of Crow was there and did remember, pretty much on a whim, and then thought "okay what if that kept happening though"

I think that descision was one of the best things I could have done lmao- it made October third MUCH more exciting to write (and, I assume, to read)... (originally Metatron was not a factor in the boys remembering- just some annoying headaches and visions. Shadow Maruki was also a last-second addition! While Ren was off galivanting with Crow, I wanted to give Goro something interesting to do as well. So! Impromptu therapy session)

Now the Tower... I did have some. uh. Plans, for cognitive Akechi right from the start; I can't remember my exact thought process for when I started cooking for this confidant, but I think I saw a comment on Throw Away Your Mask explaining why the Tower was particularly apt for the character it's used for in that fic, and thought "wait I can cook with this". or something HAHA I can't quite remember. (I was also VERY MUCH inspired by Marigolds and A Tale of Two Tricksters for all of that... (love those fics you should read them if you haven't))

All of the PT's rank ups are missing from the planning doc, too. I knew I wanted to have all of them as confidants, but I had no idea what their arcana was going to be, or when those confidants would start or rank up.

I unfortuantly can't share some of my best jokes from the planning doc, since I'm joking about MAJOR SPOILERS from future chapters HA

ty very much for letting me gush lmao <3 <3 <3

[stychu-stych]

Hi, sorry if this is weird but I'm saw in your bio that your a tattoo artist but I found your account theough some cult of the lamb art (it looks cool af) and I've been planning to do illustration and animation at unj but I've also been considering a tattoo artist apprenticeship after i finish that msybe? could you possibly tell me what irs like as an apprentice and if you think I could do my courses at uni and then do an apprenticeship after? I've really been struggling considering my choices and if you had any advice or information about being a tattoo artist weather its on an apprenticeship or actually as a career I would really appreciate it if you had any information for me! I'm so sorry if this is weird and of course you dont have to tell me anything if you don't want to or am uncomfortable too but I'm really curious and with no other sources 😭 (also finding your account may just be like my idol and inspiration while I struggle through school and what I do in the future 😭❤️)

That took me a while to answer because I never feel experienced enough to advise people 😭 Or maybe I should say - I don't feel in a position to advise because, as I once said, I'm mostly a self-taught working at home studio (now almost in my own art workshop with my fiancée) and I don't have much experience working in typical tattoo studio and with other tattoo artists. But I'll try my best ✨

There're many differences between apprenticeship in different countries (and tattooing in general) for example - Poland has one of the lowest price list in Europe but still a lot of people can't afford tattoos. Or that in UK being a tattoo apprentice is a long process. I know for sure that a lot of tattoo artists I know struggle with number of clients compared to previous years. And it won't change for a long time for sure because of inflation. So if you want to start tattooing you need to know that you won't earn much money for a year at least (as I said- it might looks different in another countries)

Also as a tattoo artist (even as a apprentice) you still need to take care of your social media which sometimes can be exhausting and depressing. And I'm telling all of this because I know that you probably won't find this kind of information on other tattoo artists' profiles (unfortunately strategy "look how my life is perfect" works for social media and for getting clients)

But on the brighter side - being a tattoo apprentice isn't something you have to dedicate your whole life to it. Lot of people I know have a second job to be financially stable. I myself don't live only from tattooing - I also help my fiancée with our online store (with our fanmerch and original artworks) and go on conventions with our booth. So you always can do multiple things at once and if you'll decide that tattooing isn't for you - nothing is lost!

The best way to know more about tattoo apprenticeship in your area is to check some groups - for example on facebook- dedicated to learning tattooing

I know that this post is sooo long but believe me, I barely touched the topic. I could write an entire essay about that topic djdbdjdh

Have some wolf lady because I like adding pics to posts sjdbsjsb

[amerricanartwork]

Do you have any tips for drawing? Anything really

Well, "any tips for drawing" is rather vague, so I'll just offer some general advice for now, which is more about how to learn and improve than how to draw any specific thing. If you'd like some more specific advice, though, I'd love to help where I can!

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

Use references when you're stuck on something! No artist is ever "too good" to use references when they want to draw a particular thing better. References can be photos or other artists' art (ideally with credit depending on how closely your art resembles the original), though I don't use the latter much because trying to copy another artist's style typically doesn't work as well as just keeping the inspiration in the back of my mind and going with the flow.

Speaking of that, finding an art style is a gradual thing, from what I've experienced. To me, it seems to be a thing that develops over time as a result of how different artists solve different problems. You don't have to stress about getting any one "style" with your art; just focus on solving problems with your drawings, and it'll develop its own unique look by virtue of you being a unique person and consciously or subconsciously adding new things to the solutions you find. If you are looking to emulate a specific style, try to pick one that solves problems you have with drawing or (to go off the previous point) appeals to what you enjoy, or perhaps what specific genre of art you plan to do.

To go further, Always look to solve problems. If you're struggling to draw a particular thing, try to figure out what specific part of the drawing is challenging for you, and look for ways to improve on that aspect. If you realize you struggle drawing hands — or even more specific, you struggle drawing hands in dramatic poses where the fingers are curled — for example, set the goal to find a method to draw hands in those kinds of poses, then relax. I usually find a solution to these kinds of problems within days of setting the goal, and I don't even have to search super hard. In fact, sometimes more comfortable methods of drawing certain things just pop in my mind!

Save any tutorials or references you find especially helpful! I like to bookmark YouTube tutorials I like, as well as the blogs or websites of any artists whose work I find inspiring. I also have a HUGE Pinterest board with tons of tutorials on drawing all sorts of things, so that definitely helps!

This is perhaps one of my biggest tips: try to get in tune with your "artist intuition" in a sense. Recognize what things you already do and don't like to draw, not just in the subject, but the general process you use to think about and draw an image, what parts of said art process you enjoy the most (line art, coloring, shading, sketching, etc.), and what kind of art you want to make in the future or what purpose you plan to use your art for. I've found understanding these things about myself really helps figure out which art tutorials will be more or less useful, and which art styles/processes feel comfortable to me. This is not to say you should never seek to improve, but rather, look for a means of improvement that fits your natural drawing preferences and habits. Maybe the Loomis method isn't the easiest way for you to visualize the human head, and another method works better. As long as you get the result you want, the process can be tailored to fit you specifically, even if that means using a process that's obscure or even exclusive to you.

You will never be perfect, and can never stop improving. So don't worry so much about making sure you're "good enough" to draw the ideas in your head. I know it can be worrying to think you aren't skilled enough in certain aspects to bring your ideas to fruition, but because you can never stop improving, if you need to be "good enough" before you can draw the things you love, you'll be waiting forever. So don't bottle up your ideas just because you think they won't turn out very professional. Instead, just do your best in the moment and note what you can get better at afterwards. And worst-case scenario, you can always come back and redraw the idea once you've improved.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

Okay, well, this was the stuff I could think of so far right now. I hope this helps!

[meowmeowriley]

This may have been asked before but do you plan on continuing the little meow meow fic? Is it more of a when inspiration strikes kinda thing then a schedule when to have things done by if that makes sense?

My original fic, 🥰 Little Meow Meow did a lot for me, building my confidence as a writer. It will be continued, but it's complicated.

For the most part, I write what I can. Sometimes, no matter how badly I want to write something, the words won't flow. And any time I find myself feeling more down in the dumps and struck with writers block, I tend to start a new WIP. (Don't look into that too closely and the sheer number of wips I have, it's more than I've stated publicly 😅)

I am trying to get myself to finish something, focusing on trying to finish I Don't Think We're in Space Anymore between working on Changes: A Poll-Fic and Watership Down-Bad. Those two seem to be flowing the easiest right now, but once Space is finished I do want to turn my attention back to Little Meow Meow.

That being said, I have a lot of emotions and feelings tied up in Little Meow Meow, and it's difficult to try to put into words just why I struggle with that one. But it will get finished, I love Little Meow Meow and the story I wanted to tell with it. After all, I poured all of my little emo heart into cat-boy!Ghost, and I refuse to abandon him! I just want to make sure I give the story my best, I hope that makes sense.

Tldr: I'm not capable of sticking to a schedule, but once I finish my Space fic I'll be focusing on the cat-boy fic again, I promise. 😘

Thank you for the ask, it's nice to know there's someone out there who wants the story to continue. It's encouraging, and really does make me want to continue it even more. ❤

[mintacle]

Also regarding fanon Tim it is really pity that a lot of fans and even writers regard Tim as a mini-Bruce when i feel he should be opposite especially when it comes to their social circle. Like Tim is fascinating to me because he looked at the dark and gloom and isolation of both Gotham and Bruce and went, "It deserves to be saved. I will save it and i'll do it without it destroying me" (he failed but he tried, god did he try).

If Bruce Wayne is a mask for Batman then Robin is a mask for Tim Drake.

If Bruce is actively isolating himself then Tim is actively seeking people out (even if it sometimes means slight stalking and casual breaking and entering, which, Tim, buddy).

When his parents died Bruce buried the child he was and dedicated his life to make sure something like this would never happen to anyone else and when Jason he almost went and broke his one rule. When everyone in Tim's life was dead or dying he tried to held onto every little thing that could bring that normalcy back from before everything went to shit, whether it be cloning, trying to find Bruce, or even lazarus pit.

It is why Tim becoming batman always ends horribly, not because Tim is secretly a deranged guy but because becoming batman means affectively killing what makes him Tim Drake. It is also why i think the best ending for him would be retirement, the boy who chose to take up the robin mantle grows up to be the man who chose to give up the mantle (naturally this would take a lot of development since i feel Tim is rather addicted to it but also i think it would be good. I also feel he would still do hero work on side but as a consultant or support)

(I alse feel isolation is a major struggle for both of them. However Bruce embraces it, becomes a part of it, while Tim rejects it, loses to it. A Lonely Place of Dying indeed)

(i am so sorry i feel like i have more generalized both the characters and could be wrong about them since i am still newer to the comics but these are my thoughts from what i have seen so far)

Nah, anon, you're valid. I'm not crazy into Tim and haven't read anything with him yet (though @benbamboozled has convinced me to read Young Justice 98), from what I know of the canon version of Tim, he is very critical of Batman, which you kind of have to be if your goal is to help them (as opposed to enabling someone)

Here we have Tim on Bruce's approach to paranoia and work colleagues:

which will for me always be core part of Tim's characterization. He's very far from the boy who will blindly follow Bruce to get his approval. I think of all the Robins Tim might be the least interested in Bruce's approval. (Modern era Dick is weirdly open about wanting Bruce's approval which I don't like. Nightwing is for me ideally in extreme denial about his and Bruce's interdependance.)

Tim is far too aware of Batman's problems to want to become him. This is the kid that became Robin at Batman's lowest low. He didn't become the sidekick/ward/son of a vigilante who was larger than life, he became the support of a broken down man. It makes sense to have Dick and Jason involuntarily idolize the man, because the Batman they knew was amazing, but the Batman Tim knew? That was a spiralling man.

Which might also be why it bothers so many people that Tim isn't allowed to grow out of the Robin mantle, it feels extremely natural for him to be getting over his original mantle and connection to Batman.

[lericekrispie]

Back on that Native Dakota Cole propaganda grind

Dakota Cole being Native is so important to me. This silly little headcannon brings me so much joy, to see the character do so many things that are so so Native coded and to have a story that feels inherently Native. I don't get a lot of representation in mainstream media. A lot of the time you have to search for it yourself. In this essay I will-

Native Coding Evidence in Cannon-

Dakota, the name by itself is a fairly Native name.

Alaska (Dakota's aunt) is also a very Native name.

Dakota's real name, Damascus, originally sounded very French to me. French would point to Native, because Native people often traded with French fur traders up north (of the united states) and into Canada. With the French, sometimes there was intermarriage, whether in violence or in peace. However, with some research into the name it comes from the Bible, and the direct meaning from google is "A sack full of blood, the similitude of burning."

Alaska's struggle with addiction (a common symptom of generational trauma from the Native genocide)

Playing a drum to calm down! Drums are a very Native thing.

He has that weird thing with bears? Native ways teach more by doing then showing so learning from wildlife seems to be a way his Grandma mentor would try to teach him, and Bears is a very Native associated animal.

How Dakota fits a Native Narrative-

Having a warrior spirit. Dakota Cole has very strong morals, and undoubtedly a fighting spirit. From the way he fights, from his strength, to his honor and respect for life.

He's disconnected from his family, yet makes strong connections with others. A lot of natives separated from their culture because of assimilation and genocide often yearn for families they know love them but cannot reach, for a culture they know should be there but cannot access. Being away from that but knowing something is missing is extremely painful. You yearn for a community, and a need for a strong community is in Native blood. Dakota makes strong meaningful connections, mimicking what he is missing.

Dakota Native Headcannons-

The first time he sees a powwow he cries (he's just like me fr fr)

His mentor is Native, and lives on his Rez. That's how he found him the first time around, he was on the road, and the only place he knew of that could possibly take him in was an obscure town Aunt Alaska had mentioned once or twice of growing up in. He goes there hoping to find more family, instead he finds his Teacher (Mentor).

(Teacher is from the Eagle clan if you care)

He wakes up in the morning, and sit in the sunrise, and smudges like he was taught by his Mentor.

During the ten-month break he got really close with the community on the Rez, he would often help however he could with his superpowers.

He listens to Native Rap when he works out and Native flute music to calm down.

He connects to Vyncent a lot about tribes and traditons bc that's what Vyncent had in Fauna.

During the ten-month break he learns to powwow dance.

He spouts off old Native teachings like a parrot of what his mentor has told him, sounds really mature, and Vyncent and Will are like... "that was really smart Dakota." And he's like. Idk what it means my Mentor just told me that lmao then he keeps being silly

He get's his hair cut during the ten-month break into a mowhawk :)

(when he wants to grow it out he just buzz cuts it to even it out and he looks slay af with a buzzed head)

When he gets older he's going to get almost full body Native tattoos.

He incorporates beading into his superhero fit

Dakota's Native name is Miskomin-Makoons (Raspberry- Cub)

The Damascus' are from the Bear clan.

"The Bear Clan members were the strong and steady police and legal guardians. Bear Clan members spent a lot of time patrolling the land surrounding the village, and in so doing, they learned which roots, bark, and plants could be used for medicines to treat the ailments of their people."

Dakota's Warrior title is 'Bleeding Heart Warrior'

I'm sure I'll remember more stuff later and I'll kick myself but for now this is what I have. any JRWI Natives want to add feel free to give ur headcannons :)

[hms-no-fun]

Currently struggling a lot with getting very excited about a project, writing a lot, editing that writing until it's way more polished than what I can come up with off the cuff, and then being too intimidated to add to the document anymore since the previous good writing still gives off this looming intimidation if that makes sense? The more I write the greater the fear is I'll crash the story into a ditch that reveals the premise can't work. have you had that "its not all coming together shit theres a snag thats really important that i missed" moment? I realize it's pretty inevitable for that to happen, but whenever I write myself out of a moment like that I always second guess that I'm still overlooking something important or taking the easy way out. I know it's probably just all about pushing through but I worry that by pushing im just further diluting the original spirit of the project? Sorry for the all over the place ask, hope you have a good day :3

this is always a tough situation to navigate as a writer. happens to me often, and it has taken me a very long time to come even remotely close to being able to deal with it productively. believe it or not, i actually have quite a lot to say about this, so prepare for that below the break.

first of all, no, it's absolutely NOT all about pushing through. i find "pushing through" can just as often make the problem worse. keep in mind that i can only speak to my own experience and process, so any advice i might give here should only be taken insofar as you personally find it useful.

this is a form of writer's block. there are many different types of blocks, each with their own causes and hypothetical treatments. a big part of becoming A Writer as such is learning the difference between them, and developing methods for dealing with them on a case by case basis that don't involve substance abuse. don't do cocaine. that's step one.

most of my blocks are in the vein you describe. i'll be writing a scene that feels good, until i cross a threshold somewhere and suddenly the whole thing feels dead in the water. the first thing i do when this happens is stop writing. it's hard to stop when you're on a roll, i know. life is short and it's hard enough to write even on a good day, but sometimes you can just tell that you're on the wrong track and at that point you're probably not gonna be able to write your way back on.

once stopped, i check the basics. have i eaten recently? am i hydrated? have i taken my medications? these are rarely my problem (i keep a big water bottle with me at all times and my gf makes sure i'm fed), though you never know how useful a snack break can be. most of the time if the problem isn't with the text, it's that i've been writing for too fucking long and i need to clock out. learning to clock out is SO hard. but as i've been getting into the habit these last couple months, while i generally write less per day i ultimately end up writing more over time. i can feel my brain cooking when i've been writing too long. it's a muscle like anything else. if you did a bunch of overtime shifts at a more physical job, you'd need time to recover too. your body isn't a machine, your brain isn't a computer, and living things are inconsistent. it sucks but you'll have a better time all around when you learn to work with your body instead of against it.

another question is, have i showered recently? i find showers tedious and boring. also i still have depression even though my life is a lot better than it used to be. i lived on my own for a very long time as a deeply closeted self-hating trans woman, so my hygiene habits are not always up to sniff. as much as i hate to admit it, showers help. i can't tell you how many times i've sat at a godfeels chapter or video script and just felt fucking miserable, only to come back forty minutes later from a shower, full of creative energy. i despise self-help shit. just not a fan of the culture of positive attitude wellness check stuff because you can't self examine your way out of your class position. sometimes the problem is that you're broke. sometimes life fucking sucks and you just don't have the art in you, and that's okay. there's a common misconception that if something bad happens to you, at least you can make an art to get through it. but in my experience it's actually a lot harder to make art about bad times when you're still in them. most of the time it takes months if not years of safety and recovery before you can really face it head on artistically. so like, be nice to yourself. it's not your fault that you live in a society.

but also sometimes literally you just need a shower or to eat some leftovers or to go to fucking bed. i hate it every time that is true because i want my problems to be real and philosophical and not just some dumb body thing that happens to everyone. alas, no one can escape the quotidian obligations of simple mortality.

THAT SAID! this stuff isn't usually my problem, and often i find that what's solving the problem when i do step away to eat/drink/shower isn't even the specific activity, but the act of stepping away at all. getting my mind off it for a sec. when i hit a block that doesn't feel completely insurmountable, i like to back away from my computer and pace around a bit. then i'll stare at my big whiteboard with a marker in hand and just let my mind wander. i don't even write anything half the time! but the mere act of trying to compartmentalize the problem into something brief enough for shorthand helps me spot the pain points.

one of my favorite books is Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance, which despite what you might assume from its title is NOT a self-help book but instead a work of philosophy from 1974 taking the form of a travelogue. what Robert Pirsig explores in this book is what he calls the Metaphysics of Quality. basically he's trying to understand the split-second judgments we make of things we like and things we don't. i absolutely do not have time to go into the specifics, just know that his Quality refers to the abstract certainty you have when something is Good or Right or Correct or Qualitatively True. like how you pull your hand away unconsciously when you touch a hot stove, but for ideas. you just Know.

a scene that really sticks with me from that book (probably the most famous scene) is when Pirsig describes needing to fix a mechanical problem with his motorcycle only to be stopped dead in his tracks by a stripped screw keeping him from removing the engine cover. he talks about being so focused on the obvious solution to the primary complex problem that, on encountering a smaller, simpler problem that has to be dealt with first, he finds himself completely stuck, calling this "a zero of consciousness." it's a problem so annoying and minuscule and stubbornly unsolvable that you just want to hit the thing with a wrench and throw it in a river. addressing this new problem, this block, requires an adjustment in thinking. and here i'm going to quote a pretty lengthy passage, but don't worry, i'm typing it out by hand with the book in front of me so there's no time saved on my end:

Consider, for a change, that this is a moment to be not feared but cultivated. If your mind is truly, profoundly stuck, then you may be much better off than when it was loaded with ideas. The solution to the problem often at first seems unimportant or undesirable, but the state of stuckness allows it, in time, to assume its true importance. It seemed small because your previous rigid evaluation which led to the stuckness made it small. But now consider the fact that no matter how hard you try to hang on to it, this stuckness is bound to disappear. Your mind will naturally and freely move toward a solution. Unless you are a real master at staying stuck you can't prevent this. The fear of stuckness is needless because the longer you stay stuck the more you see the Quality-reality that gets you unstuck every time. What's really been getting you stuck is the running from the stuckness [. . .] Stuckness shouldn't be avoided. It's the psychic predecessor of all real understanding. An egoless acceptance of stuckness is a key to an understanding of all Quality, in mechanical work as in other endeavors. It's this understanding of Quality as revealed by stuckness which so often makes self-taught mechanics so superior to institute-trained men who have learned how to handle everything except a new situation. Normally screws are so cheap and small and simple you think of them as unimportant. But now, as your Quality awareness becomes stronger, you realize that this one, individual, particular screw is neither cheap nor small nor unimportant. Right now this screw is worth exactly the selling price of the whole motorcycle, because the motorcycle is actually valueless until you get the screw out. With this re-evaluation of the screw comes a willingness to expand your knowledge of it. [. . .] What your actual solution is is unimportant as long as it has Quality. Thoughts about the screw as combined rigidness and adhesiveness and about its special helical interlock might lead naturally to solutions of impaction and use of solvents. That is one kind of Quality track. Another track may be to go to the library and look through a catalog of mechanic's tools, in which you might come across a screw extractor that would do the job. Or to call a friend who knows something about mechanical work. Or just to drill the screw out, or just burn it out with a torch. Or you might just, as a result of your meditative attention to the screw, come up with some new way of extracting it that has never been thought of before that beats all the rest and is patentable and makes you a millionaire five years from now. There's no predicting what's on that Quality track. The solutions all are simple-- after you have arrived at them. But they're simple only when you know already what they are.

this is, in brief, my entire creative philosophy when it comes to writer's block. i share such a lengthy passage because i think it's useful to underline that we're not talking about a problem that is necessarily unique to the labor of writing. this process is a human process. it's just that with writing, the nature of the block itself is often much more difficult to identify than a stripped screw.

there's a couple things i do to try to identify what's got me stuck. a lot of times what happens is that everything in a scene felt good until it didn't, and then everything after that moment fell flat. so i'll go back and read the whole thing and just try to feel the scene. is everyone in character? is their dialogue too quippy, or too aggressive, too expository? are we in the midst of a conversation that has simply gone on way too fucking long? i know it can be torturous to reread your own stuff but idk what else to say except get used to it. especially when you're still early in the drafting phase! like if you know you're not gonna release this thing imminently, there's no reason to be precious about the stuff that's good or to beat yourself up over the stuff that's bad. i know that compulsion to try to Get Everything Right The First Time is strong, but it's completely unsustainable.

sometimes the block is that i just don't feel like writing narration. i've always sucked at grounding a scene with descriptions of the place. lately i'm trying to get away from relying solely on descriptions of staging/blocking, but it's hard for a bitch like me who mostly prefers writing dialogue. i've gotten a lot more comfortable with putting notes between dialogue exchanges like [character moves, looks at picture, has a dramatic thought, other character fiddles with object]. it can feel like cheating sometimes but it's not. there's no such thing. no one will know the route you took to get to the end. they will only see what you show them, when you decide to show it to them.

sometimes the block is in some minor or major betrayal of the story's spirit. the (Terezi) & Jade scene i talked about in this ask is a good example. i hit a point where nothing was working anymore. no one would talk to me. the light was gone. i can always tell when i made the wrong choice. it's such a particular sensation. as though i'm walking and i realize i no longer recognize the road i'm on and must've made a wrong turn somewhere. the solution to this particular block is introspection, retracing my steps, because the wrong turn isn't always obvious. maybe it's that someone in the scene is being too mean, or that i've failed to accomplish what the scene exists to do in some way, or that someone's made an uncharacteristic choice that now everyone in the scene is arguing about and it's like, man, this is taking too long, i'm not enjoying this anymore.

another example from A1 is the second half of the solo. i'd had most of the jasprose scene, the karkat-calliope-roxy scenes, and the vrisrezi-jade scenes written since i posted the A1 chorus. where i ran into trouble was that i needed to get jane, jake, and (terezi) to show up. my original plan was to have them arrive one by one, thus allowing their individual dramas a moment in the spotlight before being subsumed into the group. not a bad idea in theory but in practice it was fucking tedious. here we have a bunch of characters already immersed in the scene captured by the intrigue of Jade being enigmatic, and then some unawares jagoff wanders in and suddenly everyone has to stop what they're doing and be like "hey hello how are you what's up" and then they explain how they got there and then they ask what's up and it's such a DRAG. honestly i would say the majority of my creative blocks by volume are moments when the story really wants me to just cut to black for a smoke break and come back when somebody gets mad enough to throw a punch. i mean that's the the development of A1 in a nutshell. originally everyone was gonna start the track locked up in space-jail on the hopebringer, jade would show up all apologetic and say what she expects padua's deliberation to be, then the whole cast would see her throw a fit over a decision she knew was coming, they'd all be absolved of guilt and let free, then they'd all argue about who's staying or going with Jade in the morning, they'd split up to go pack their stuff and then...

well that was exactly the problem. i wanted to get all the pertinent things out of the way. jade's code switching, voidthought, some EWL teases. give the whole cast a chance to react to it. i thought that would be expedient, because it got the Plot out of the way and gave time to characters for Feelings. if that version of the scene had come at the end of chapter 8, it might have worked. but i realized that as soon as jade's audience was no longer captive, i had no fucking clue what to do with them anymore. we already knew who would go with jade, so acting like that's some kind of mystery is just lame. i started writing A1 from a place of desiring informational density & a quick pace, because we've got places to go and things to do. but if the real purpose of A1 is to explore why these characters choose to go with Jade, then that needed to be done with a lot more care and precision. that's when i decided to let Jade spend two days underground making the earth right again, so that she has to come to everyone individually rather than the other way around. and it muddies her motivations, if you don't mind the pun. it puts her at an appropriate remove from the others. i ultimately wound up conveying all the same information as in the original version, but i did it in a way that was more appropriate thematically and artistically. it wound up being longer road than i anticipated, but this is a long story and in this case the longer road was better for the journey.

take the chapter where Jade visits Roxy. i needed some time with Roxy alone to set the scene, since she's the first person Jade decides to visit and i like writing about the insides of trailer homes. i wanted to get some politics from Jane in this chapter, so hey, why not throw in a televised speech? oh, and then i can have some tucker carlson types remind us that Earth C is a fucking mess. i wrote all that, and it was good, but it was just Roxy watching tv. i tried to get into Jade's arrival and couldn't. so i went back and realized, oh, Roxy should be yelling at the tv the whole time! now we get Jane's politics, Roxy's reactions to those politics, as well as bits and pieces of context re: Jane's relationships with Karkat and Roxy. now when Jade arrives, we can play with the question of whether she heard the speech from outside Roxy's door, and why neither of them was physically at the speech in the first place. there's tension and imbalance in Roxy's state of mind when Jade does arrive, so we're more inside her perspective than we usually are, which in turn helps us identify with her when Jade starts infodumping about antimemes.

so often for me, working through a block is a matter of doing a better job utilizing what's available to you. going back to the A1 solo and trying to bring Jake, Jane, and (Terezi) into the scene. i finally returned to it after a couple months of being sick and dealing with life problems. i was frustrated because i'd hoped to be several tracks in to 3.2 by now, and instead i was confronted with just how much more of this thing is left and how long that might take if i couldn't pick up the pace. this thing NEEDED to get done.

and then i remembered that Jasprose is literally right there.

and that was it! problem fucking solved! i had jasprose drop all three of them into the scene completely unceremoniously using manic teleportation through a fenestrated plane, and from there the entire rest of the chapter erupted out of me in a single go. it's such an obvious solution to the problem that you as reader probably assumed it was the plan from the very beginning. but it's like Pirsig says: the solutions all are obvious-- after you've arrived at them.

then there's the problem of overwriting. i actually did i think four different versions of the opening to the A1 solo. the first person narration was a late addition. i tweaked that scene so so so many times. it kept feeling close but not quite. when i did the thing where i reread to find where the block happened, instead of actually reading the thing i just kept finding spots where i could write more. i can extend this anecdote. this line could be better. maybe a comma here would work better than an ellipsis...

this can be good because sometimes what's blocking you is that you skipped over something that needed more time. maybe some information or a dramatic emphasis that gives the stuff you can't yet write the momentum it needs to get going again. but i've gotta be real careful doing this, because i can do it forever. and then, as you describe (hey look, i'm actually talking about your specific problem now!), that hyper-polished section sets everything else up to fail by comparison.

i think the trick is knowing the difference between when a scene needs an editing pass vs when a scene just straight up isn't working. when it's not working, sometimes you do just have to throw it all out and start over. but if it's good enough that you feel like all it's missing is better dialogue and some more description, then you can hold off on that polish until the rest of the thing is done. this conundrum is most common at the beginning of a chapter or story in my experience, precisely as a result of the process i've been describing this whole time. when you hit a block and retrace your steps, you can always find things to fix. so it's sort of natural that any given chapter becomes less polished the further along you get in to it. that's why it's so important to understand the differences between all these different types of blocks, and to remind yourself that literally nothing you've written is finished until the moment you've made it public.

a big part of getting the A1 solo out the door was me swallowing my desire for perfection in every exchange and saying, no, this is good enough. it's not 100% what i want, but it's close enough that it just isn't worth the effort it would take to get there. sometimes there are scenes that are worth that effort, but they are always rarer than you think and they're never the ones you'd expect. i will freely admit that there are a lot of characters expositing their motivations in this chapter. i tried to embed as much of that in humor or drama as i could, but sometimes you just have to shrug your shoulders and walk away and hope your readers will be nice to you.

of course the funny thing is, once i finished the chapter and had all the panels sketched out and wiped my hands clean of the whole affair, janet needed two weeks to make the images. so i ended up having time to polish up a couple of those things that i felt were lacking after all. but those additions were radically small and intuitive, because i'd divorced myself from the raw production and had committed to so many directions that i *couldn't* change much. i'm so used to writing for release that i don't know what to do with myself when my part of the job is done before i can kick it out the door. i've come to find that waiting, taking breaks, walking away and coming back, do wonders for your ability to egolessly examine your work and identify what's wrong. sometimes you just need a day or two to sleep on it.

and sometimes you realize that you've really just over-written a scene, out of preciousness or insecurity or whatever else, and the result is so much bigger than everything else you want to do that it's more expedient to just scrap it. i hate when this happens, man. i did this with an early version of the A1 chorus, when Jade is stuck in space alone and shouting about how unfair her life has been. you know sometimes there's an emotion in a scene that's addictive. some bit of pathos that you just feel down to your bones, fuck me man, this is so GOOD, this is so JUICY, this shit has QUALITY. it's so good you don't want it to be finished. so you keep writing it, and writing it, and you rewrite it, and you add to it, because you really want to squeeze every drop of emotion you can from the thing. and then you wind up with a bloated melodramatic mess that's so overplayed you've annihilated everything that compelled you to write it in the first place.

i want to be clear that this isn't wasted work. nothing you ever put to the page, no matter how ultimately useless it might prove to be, is wasted work. the way i see this whole process, top to bottom, is that there's this thing. i don't know what it is, but it's there. maybe it starts with an image, or a line of dialogue, or a relationship, or a natural vista, whatever. it can be anything. what matters is it's a sign pointing you in a direction. it's something that has Quality that you can feel with such potent immediacy that you have no choice but to write it. the act of writing is something of an expedition, because the real magic of it comes when those disparate signs start colliding with one another. an image becomes a scene, a house, a world, a universe. sometimes these signs lead to dead ends, but with experience you learn to tell the dead ends from the rough patches. you learn how to make your own way. you do this by listening to what this thing is telling you. every story i've ever written has known better than me what it wants. i can impose so much onto it, i control 90% of the process at least. but that other 10% cannot, should not be quantified or controlled but simply understood. if you try to bottle the flame, you'll just end up snuffing it out.

no artist really knows why they do what they do or how they're able to pull it off. they can tell you their methods, their process, their coping mechanisms, they can write ludicrously lengthy diatribes on tumblr in response to an innocuous ask, but you can't pin down the soul of the thing. Quality is ephemeral, because it's first. it happens before you've had time to think, like putting your hand on a hot stove. you just know. and you have to trust that knowledge to carry you forward, not second guess it too much, not try to wrangle the thing into a shape it doesn't want to assume. sometimes this requires writing scenes that you don't love, because it's easier to build a messy bridge between the moments that drive you than it is to perfect every single moment out of an artificial commitment to like, Being A Good Writer or whatever.

a lot of this is just practice. you get better at communicating with your creative impulses. but also i think it helps to internalize that nobody sees the rough drafts, nobody sees the duct tape. and nobody knows the perfect vision you'll be convinced you failed to meet. nobody has ever made a perfect thing, and no one ever will. who wants to be perfect, anyway? godfeels wouldn't be what it is if i wasn't willing to let it be messy. if i'd tried to do it better, it never would have gotten done, and nothing i'm doing now would have even conceptually gotten to exist.

also, it's okay to abandon shit when it stops feeling good. i have so many unfinished books kicking around from my 20s, dude. i feel bad about some of them, but ten years not finishing books is still ten years spent writing. it's actually quite rare for good ideas to result in finished works, because good ideas are cheap and they're not all for you. but you gotta keep trying anyway because sooner or later you'll catch a spark that has real gas, and if you've done the work you'll be ready for it. it'll feel like destiny. it'll feel like magic, how matched that idea is to your skill level. but it won't be magic, it'll be skill. if you hadn't put the work in to know how to follow that intuition, it'd be just as dead an end as everything else you never finished. you do the work so that when you get lucky you can take advantage of it. so in that context, writing is quite low stakes. if it's not good enough, fuck it, try something else!

anyway i hope there's some decent insight buried in here somewhere. thanks for such a good question!

[soopiroth]

super tips with soup #4 - dealing with unwanted and/or intrusive thoughts during regression! (affirmations and tips!)

Hi guys! This one's got a bit of a heavier theme, so this one's under the "read more" button. This one was originally going to be about "impure" regression, but I learned that just sort of refers to regression with negative emotions in general, at least, so it seems in the community's posting? I don't really consider that "impure," just emotional, and I just ride it out. This is about what I thought impure regression was: unwanted and intrusive thoughts during regression, especially some of the ones that might make you feel a bit gross.

Please pay the trigger warnings careful attention!

TW for: various forms of thoughts one may not want during regression, such as violent, sexual, or otherwise intrusive thoughts, with a specific highlight on unwanted sexual thoughts and feelings, because agere spaces rarely discuss how to cope with those while regressed. I still go over other types of unwanted thoughts, however. I'll also warn for brief discussion of kinks, fetishes, sexual activities, and violent activities (hurting others or yourself). These are all in an purely educational context, meant to help readers understand they're not doing anything bad by having intrusive thoughts and feelings or lives outside of regression.

It's important to learn how to deal with these things, but make sure you're ready to read this sort of thing! It can be a bit difficult at times. I struggle with these sorts of thoughts myself.

My target audience here is for those of us who deal with intrusive and unwanted thoughts and feelings during regression. If you don't experience these things, this Super Tips may not be for you. You may even find some of its contents confusing. That's okay. If you have questions in good faith, I'm happy to answer them. That goes out to everyone.

You're Not Being Bad!

Having thoughts just means you're having thoughts. Sometimes, the brain thinks of things just to think of them, and to tell you "that's messed up." Other times, it's your brain thinking now's a good time to be thinking about that stuff, because perhaps your regression has made you feel safe enough to think about it. It all depends on the exact situation and thoughts you're having. You are not bad for thinking a thought you don't like.

Thoughts Don't Make Things Come True!

I know it's very hard to believe sometimes, especially for those of us with compulsions, but thoughts don't make things happen. You won't hurt someone just by thinking about hurting them, and you won't assault someone just by thinking about that happening either.

For this, I'd like to cite a Mister Rogers song. It's about wishing things would happen, but it applies to thoughts too! Your scary thoughts won't make things come true. I've included two uploads in case one of them doesn't work.

Thoughts and wishes alike are things our thinking has made, so think them and wish them and don't feel afraid.

(If you can't access either video, the song is Wishes Don't Make Things Come True by Mister Rogers!)

So It's Not Bad, But I Feel Like It's Wrong And I'm Bad Anyways!: Sexual Thoughts and Feelings

Sexual feelings while regressed can make you feel particularly gross. I know these sorts of thoughts can happen to hypersexual folks and those with sexual trauma especially. It can feel even worse when you're sexually repulsed in general! You might even worry you're sexualizing your own regression by feeling these feelings.

You're not. You having a thought or a feeling does NOT make your regression inherently sexual in nature. It does not make it a kink, or a fetish, or anything, not just because you had an unrelated or even related sexual thought while utilizing your coping mechanism or just having fun. Feelings can strike from anywhere. It does not necessarily mean anything about your regression. Sometimes it's just a random arousal response because the body gets things confused sometimes. Someone very dear to me once told me about arousal responses and how they sometime just occurs due to happiness, pain, or even anxiety and intrusive thoughts. Sometimes they even happen when plain old bored.

It's okay to break from the regressed headspace to deal with these feelings, and it's also okay to just let them pass by while regressed. Sometimes you may even want to deal with them directly by mentally confronting it or discussing them with someone CLOSE AND TRUSTWORTHY WHO IS ALRIGHT WITH DISCUSSING SUCH TOPICS (do NOT go talking to random strangers about this! That is NOT safe! People might try and take advantage of your vulnerability to manipulate you). Always ask before discussing these sorts of things with anyone when you're not sure if it'd be okay.

I fear this may be controversial or get me attacked, but I need to reassure those of us who've particularly struggled with sexual thoughts, feelings, and impulses, that if you've ever felt the need to or had to relieve yourself of the sexual feelings by physical means during regression, you're not bad. Your regression isn't inherently sexual or a kink or a fetish. Just make sure you do anything sexual in private. Those are private actions, and exposing others to that could hurt them, or even hurt you if others take advantage of your headspace. Make sure you're doing these things safely, healthily, and cleanly as well.

I deal with this too. You're not alone out there. Sorry that one was long, but I think it's really important to address this.

So It's Not Bad, But I Feel Like It's Wrong And I'm Bad Anyways!: Sexuality Outside of Regression

Some regressors with sexual lives, activities, and interests far removed from their regression may still worry that this makes them a bad regressor. These fears may even seep into the regression itself.

You're not a bad regressor for having a life outside of your regression. You're allowed to have kinks and fetishes outside of your regressed life. You're allowed to do sexual things outside of your regressed life and still regress. It doesn't make it bad that you regress at some times and do adult things at other times.

So It's Not Bad, But I Feel Like It's Wrong And I'm Bad Anyways!: Violent Thoughts and Feelings

For those of us who have violent thoughts toward others or ourselves, it can be very scary. But rest assured, you're not bad for these either.

Remember how earlier we covered how a thought is just something our thinking made up? We don't have to act on hurting ourselves or other people, either. Thinking about someone else hurting us won't happen either just because we think about it, even if the thought is scary, and it's very important to keep this in mind.

To everyone who has caused harm to others or themselves, it's a bit more difficult. I'm not very well-versed in this subject, not so much as I am with other sorts of more harmful actions one might discuss in a post like this, but you're not inherently bad for these things either. I recommend professional help for very harmful thoughts like these, especially if you've acted on them. This isn't because it needs to be "cured" or you're "sick" for having these thoughts, but to help you not feel the urge to hurt yourself or others as much, or to help you manage the feelings better. If that's not possible, try finding a new outlet for these feelings. Sometimes, it feels very good to rip up paper or paint aggressively to get out those big physical feelings, if it's a physical compulsion. If it's more of a mental compulsion, I've always found that stimulating distractions are very effective for me.

Don't be afraid to talk to someone you trust about this, either, after asking for permission. Most people just want their friends to feel okay, and I'll bet your friends do, too.

Did you finish reading?

It's okay if you didn't read all of this one. It's a lot. I really hope something in here helped you. As per usual, feel free to comment, send in asks, and the like, especially if I missed a trigger warning. This is the last of the super tips I actually had a basis for, so, I'm not sure where to go from here, but I'll figure something out.

With all that being said...

Thank you for reading!

This is my heaviest Super Tips yet, so I really hope that didn't turn you guys away. I want to help others out there who experience these things, so I hope I did that.

[voidbeau]

I've been thinking about this a lot and have ranted to a friend to varying degrees about it every once in a while since early this year.

On one hand, I don't want to sound ungrateful when I talk about this, but...

I feel like being in a fandom has ruined me.

Or to put it better, I've let it ruin me.

And to clarify, I don't blame individuals of a fandom.

Nor do I really blame the idea of fandom itself the more I think about it.

It is most definitely a me thing, but being in a fandon has definitely helped to shed some light on some upsetting things about my brain.

Being in an environment where you get to share ideas and art about your favorite media- Something that's supposed to be for fun and to find community with others who share your interest!

For me, it's been a huge motivator for getting back into my art- which I believe I've mentioned before.

Up until the twomp Fandom, I've had lots of difficulties staying inspired and motivated to keep doing art regardless of how much I wanted to do it.

So finding a reason to do it again has been great!

I've been able to make pretty good improvements in my art abilities which is really nice!

But on the other end of things, I've lost the ability to just appreciate things the way I could if I was just an outsider looking in?

And I hate it because for whatever reason, my anxiety looks at fandom art as competition rather than something a fellow [insert interest] enjoyer put out for me to enjoy along with the rest of fandom.

I hate that mindset so much.

I don't want fandom to be a competition.

I don't think fandom should be a competition.

Inspiration to improve is one thing, but there's something very wrong if you're feeling a sense of threat in some way??? Like hello??? Are you okay???

It's ridiculous!

But anxiety likes to tell me I need to constantly be creating and making sure it's "original" or "unique" or else my value as a "creator" is worth nothing.

Which, again, is also ridiculous, because I'm not out here trying to "become something", I just want to have fun sharing my dumbass AUs and headcannons cause I want to have fun with the characters and the world I fell in love with!

But it doesn't stop the rancid pattern of thinking.

No matter how many breaks I take, I can come back feeling refreshed but the grasping hands of anxiety and shaky self worth tell me I need to constantly be working to maintain a semblance of value.

I need to work to "keep my place".

And that's dumb.

A fandom is a little neighborhood where everyone has their own little house and their own little garden tucked safely behind their own little white picket fence.

We're not being lined up and graded like slabs of beef.

I'm so tired man. I just want to have fun, but as time goes on I feel like the only solution to this issue is to leave the Fandom environment entirely.

Like No Face from Spirited Away.

But if I lose the "pressure" of needing to create art than I'm scared i'll fall back into not being able to create at all again.

I dont want to lose what I feel like I only just got back.

🫠

It feels super embarrassing to be struggling with these kinds of thoughts personally.

Cause it's like, "bro, who tf you think you are???"

There's so much of it that feels self centered, like it's all about me.

I need to be the best, I need to have coolest art and the best ideas!!!

I don't think that at all, granted. But it feels that way sometimes.

I don't like the idea of comparing myself to others. I don't think anyone should be doing that.

Comparison is the joy killer!!!

I much prefer the variety that a fandom brings to the table.

Each individual with an individual take on a world and its characters.

Everyone is so creative it's really Cool!!

I think it's fun to read and to see people bring that to life!

But I can't fully enjoy it like I want to cause the thoughts always be like,

"Why can't you be like that, huh?

You could be doing something with your time right now, you could be working in that idea you were thinking of.

You could be finishing that drawing you started.

What about that other thing you said you were going to do, huh?"

And if I get working on something, it's still not good enough,

"No! Not like that! Your art style is DISGUSTING. Throw that one away!

No No, any readers who stumble on this will never enjoy this. It's awkward and stilted.

Take it again or leave it!"

Like bro please, give a bug a break. I'm trying. 😰

[copperheid]

So I've recently gained a lot of weight

I got put on medication for my depression. Because my appetite was low and I was a bit underweight for my height my doctor prescribed Mirtazapine

And he told me I might gain a little bit but it should plateau after a while and it shouldn't be anything crazy.

It used to be that I struggled to recognise I was hungry until I was starving, but I rarely got to that point as I would be satisfied with a small lunch and a small dinner so long as I remembered to have them. I didn't have much need for snacks or breakfast.

Now since I started the medication I constantly feel like I'm starving. That painful, ravenous hunger that distracts from everything else until it is satiated, but it's never pacified long. I feel like I have to have breakfast, lunch and a sizable dinner as well as several snacks or else I'll be suffering terribly.

9 months later I've gone from a UK size 8 (US 4) to a UK 14 (US 10) and I've put on 20kgs / 42lbs, and that number is still steadily climbing.

I've started going to the gym to try to burn it off as often as I can, but I just wind up even hungrier after a workout.

I'm currently trying to muscle through it on willpower alone but I feel so awful. Food is literally all I can think about when I try to restrict my intake to what I used to eat. I feel like my whole body is on fire. And it's not working. Even restricting myself to eating the bare minimum needed to function I still see the number climb.

And while I have liked some of the changes that came with the weight gain- like bigger boobs and actually having an ass and hips...putting on weight in my belly has been very difficult to accept. Buying new clothes every couple of months even more so. Seeing the numbers go up on the scale, on the measuring tape and on my clothes...seeing the stretch marks grow in number and intensity day by day...it's scary. I worry it might never stop and I'll become so big that I can't lead a normal life anymore. That I'd need to buy a second seat on a plane. That I couldn't ride a roller coaster. That I couldn't dance. That I couldn't walk.

I worry that people are talking behind my back, saying I let myself go, that I'm ruined now. I worry my partner will stop finding me attractive.

I feel like I never have anything nice to wear because everything highlights my huge belly. I'm constantly bloated and could be mistaken for pregnant if you didn't know me. All my trousers dig in painfully and I heave over the top of them. Shirts are too tight and ride up to show off my pale, rounded skin.

And sometimes I find it sexy, in a strange way. Like my body is changing and growing softer, and soft bodies are sexy...but then the shame creeps in. Like I'm doing something wrong and taboo by finding my own bigger body sexy.

I feel forced to be more feminine than I am - dresses and skirts are the only clothes I feel comfortable in. Everything else digs in too much, shows to much, or adds bulk that makes me feel even bigger. I was never a girly girl - I'm not even sure I'm a girl at all.

I'm going to Japan next week and I had originally planned to buy clothes while I'm there. I had been excited about all the different styles I wouldn't be able to get back in Scotland. Now the idea fills me with dread. They won't stock my size in any of the normal stores there. I'll have to shop in stores with insulting names like Moo Moo Girl and Hey Fatty Boom Boom.

Maybe I'll grow to accept my body with time. Maybe I will even be able to lose the weight somehow. But i don't want to come off the medication. It's been the only thing that's made a dent in my depression and I couldn't stand to lose that. Maybe I could even be fat and happy someday - better than skinny and dead.

I just hope I figure this shit out soon.