#i don't need a website telling me what i want or what i ought to be interested in. i'm not a child.

[nachosncheezies]

okay so.

i'm extremely dubious about staff's claims, but i'm willing to allow a 5% possibility that those of us who this post calls a 'small minority' might actually be a minority... and only because my experience IS curated, to the extent that I may have created my own echo chamber that is somehow so secure that i have literally never seen this phantom 'majority' who they keep saying actually want this stuff. (i can only imagine that this 'majority' are not actually users, but rather an amalgam of current and potential users that they're trying to recruit based off some nebulous market research, although like the commenter above i daresay that if you took five minutes to teach people in those focus groups or whatever how to interact with something OTHER than a meta-style interface they'd be SUPER ONBOARD with what we've got here already, but i digress.) I can empathize with wanting/needing to 'grow' the company and userbase because our whole goddamn world runs on the falsehood of infinite growth and maybe you need to play the game a bit to keep up with the assholes.

THAT SAID.

there already is an algorithm! it's on the 'for you' and 'popular reblogs' tabs! and when i want to find something new from outside my bubble to pass around? I LOOK THERE! :D

the important thing is that it's my choice when and how i interact with that. i absolutely DO NOT want that forced on me.

now. if you have to put one of those as the tab that opens first and make the 'following' tab second then fair enough i guess. it's an extra click/tap for me, which would be annoying, but if algorithmic view is gonna attract enough of the The Youngs or something to keep the site afloat through some voodoo i am truly not convinced exists then sure.

but the algorithm-free view MUST stay. i DO NOT have all day to wade through stuff i didn't ask for!!! and if the dash starts wasting my time that way, i'll be here less! not more!

also.

i am a 'creator'. i personally do not want randos to 'discover' my creations. this is not a business for me, it's a hobby, and what i make i make for me and my ~10 weird little friends. would i like more feedback from the fringe of lurkers that surrounds our group? absolutely. am i happy when a new fan who's enthusiastic enough to seek us out finds and engages with my stuff? of course! these are the people i create for; people whose enthusiasm for a thing matches my own.

what i am absolutely NOT here for is to have my stuff pushed and promoted to casual random browsers with no connection to my fandom. that kind of attention would actually be a net negative for me.

anyway. what the above user said is generally bang on. my reasons for being here are: 1. I have control.

that's it. that's the only reason. this is the only place left where i can preserve my public anonymity and curate my own experience. this is my happy place where current events don't exist unless i want them to. strife and the kind of [oft-overheated] debates fostered by the rest of the internet can not reach me unless i seek them out. here, i am zen. take that away and i'm sorry but... i'm not gonna stay just because 'there's nowhere else and it's better than nothing'. because for me, it's not. at present, it's a tool that makes sharing positivity and creativity a little easier. what would life be without tumblr? not ideal, but before i found here i did other things with this time. trolling ao3. reading books. listening to podcasts. email pen pals exist. i have some that i took with me when i ditched other social media. who wouldn't love a few more? and happily, gifs work as attachments!

all told, i'm not naive enough to think i'm not being data mined to an extent here. that's sadly just how the internet works now and infuriatingly it's inescapable. for me, tumblr's genius and appeal rests on the fact that it's a two-way street. i have a measure of meaningful control over both what's harvested and what i'm fed. take that away and make the user the only product you're selling?

well hey, besties. anyone wanna be pen pals? :)

Tumblr’s Core Product Strategy

Here at Tumblr, we’ve been working hard on reorganizing how we work in a bid to gain more users. A larger user base means a more sustainable company, and means we get to stick around and do this thing with you all a bit longer. What follows is the strategy we're using to accomplish the goal of user growth. The @labs group has published a bit already, but this is bigger. We’re publishing it publicly for the first time, in an effort to work more transparently with all of you in the Tumblr community. This strategy provides guidance amid limited resources, allowing our teams to focus on specific key areas to ensure Tumblr’s future.

The Diagnosis

In order for Tumblr to grow, we need to fix the core experience that makes Tumblr a useful place for users. The underlying problem is that Tumblr is not easy to use. Historically, we have expected users to curate their feeds and lean into curating their experience. But this expectation introduces friction to the user experience and only serves a small portion of our audience. 

Tumblr’s competitive advantage lies in its unique content and vibrant communities. As the forerunner of internet culture, Tumblr encompasses a wide range of interests, such as entertainment, art, gaming, fandom, fashion, and music. People come to Tumblr to immerse themselves in this culture, making it essential for us to ensure a seamless connection between people and content. 

To guarantee Tumblr’s continued success, we’ve got to prioritize fostering that seamless connection between people and content. This involves attracting and retaining new users and creators, nurturing their growth, and encouraging frequent engagement with the platform.

Our Guiding Principles

To enhance Tumblr’s usability, we must address these core guiding principles.

Expand the ways new users can discover and sign up for Tumblr.

Provide high-quality content with every app launch.

Facilitate easier user participation in conversations.

Retain and grow our creator base.

Create patterns that encourage users to keep returning to Tumblr.

Improve the platform’s performance, stability, and quality.

Below is a deep dive into each of these principles.

Principle 1: Expand the ways new users can discover and sign up for Tumblr.

Tumblr has a “top of the funnel” issue in converting non-users into engaged logged-in users. We also have not invested in industry standard SEO practices to ensure a robust top of the funnel. The referral traffic that we do get from external sources is dispersed across different pages with inconsistent user experiences, which results in a missed opportunity to convert these users into regular Tumblr users. For example, users from search engines often land on pages within the blog network and blog view—where there isn’t much of a reason to sign up. 

We need to experiment with logged-out tumblr.com to ensure we are capturing the highest potential conversion rate for visitors into sign-ups and log-ins. We might want to explore showing the potential future user the full breadth of content that Tumblr has to offer on our logged-out pages. We want people to be able to easily understand the potential behind Tumblr without having to navigate multiple tabs and pages to figure it out. Our current logged-out explore page does very little to help users understand “what is Tumblr.” which is a missed opportunity to get people excited about joining the site.

Actions & Next Steps

Improving Tumblr’s search engine optimization (SEO) practices to be in line with industry standards.

Experiment with logged out tumblr.com to achieve the highest conversion rate for sign-ups and log-ins, explore ways for visitors to “get” Tumblr and entice them to sign up.

Principle 2: Provide high-quality content with every app launch.

We need to ensure the highest quality user experience by presenting fresh and relevant content tailored to the user’s diverse interests during each session. If the user has a bad content experience, the fault lies with the product.

The default position should always be that the user does not know how to navigate the application. Additionally, we need to ensure that when people search for content related to their interests, it is easily accessible without any confusing limitations or unexpected roadblocks in their journey.

Being a 15-year-old brand is tough because the brand carries the baggage of a person’s preconceived impressions of Tumblr. On average, a user only sees 25 posts per session, so the first 25 posts have to convey the value of Tumblr: it is a vibrant community with lots of untapped potential. We never want to leave the user believing that Tumblr is a place that is stale and not relevant. 

Actions & Next Steps

Deliver great content each time the app is opened.

Make it easier for users to understand where the vibrant communities on Tumblr are. 

Improve our algorithmic ranking capabilities across all feeds. 

Principle 3: Facilitate easier user participation in conversations.

Part of Tumblr’s charm lies in its capacity to showcase the evolution of conversations and the clever remarks found within reblog chains and replies. Engaging in these discussions should be enjoyable and effortless.

Unfortunately, the current way that conversations work on Tumblr across replies and reblogs is confusing for new users. The limitations around engaging with individual reblogs, replies only applying to the original post, and the inability to easily follow threaded conversations make it difficult for users to join the conversation.

Actions & Next Steps

Address the confusion within replies and reblogs.

Improve the conversational posting features around replies and reblogs. 

Allow engagements on individual replies and reblogs.

Make it easier for users to follow the various conversation paths within a reblog thread. 

Remove clutter in the conversation by collapsing reblog threads. 

Explore the feasibility of removing duplicate reblogs within a user’s Following feed. 

Principle 4: Retain and grow our creator base.

Creators are essential to the Tumblr community. However, we haven’t always had a consistent and coordinated effort around retaining, nurturing, and growing our creator base.  

Being a new creator on Tumblr can be intimidating, with a high likelihood of leaving or disappointment upon sharing creations without receiving engagement or feedback. We need to ensure that we have the expected creator tools and foster the rewarding feedback loops that keep creators around and enable them to thrive.

The lack of feedback stems from the outdated decision to only show content from followed blogs on the main dashboard feed (“Following”), perpetuating a cycle where popular blogs continue to gain more visibility at the expense of helping new creators. To address this, we need to prioritize supporting and nurturing the growth of new creators on the platform.

It is also imperative that creators, like everyone on Tumblr, feel safe and in control of their experience. Whether it be an ask from the community or engagement on a post, being successful on Tumblr should never feel like a punishing experience.

Actions & Next Steps

Get creators’ new content in front of people who are interested in it. 

Improve the feedback loop for creators, incentivizing them to continue posting.

Build mechanisms to protect creators from being spammed by notifications when they go viral.

Expand ways to co-create content, such as by adding the capability to embed Tumblr links in posts.

Principle 5: Create patterns that encourage users to keep returning to Tumblr.

Push notifications and emails are essential tools to increase user engagement, improve user retention, and facilitate content discovery. Our strategy of reaching out to you, the user, should be well-coordinated across product, commercial, and marketing teams.

Our messaging strategy needs to be personalized and adapt to a user’s shifting interests. Our messages should keep users in the know on the latest activity in their community, as well as keeping Tumblr top of mind as the place to go for witty takes and remixes of the latest shows and real-life events.  

Most importantly, our messages should be thoughtful and should never come across as spammy.  

Actions & Next Steps

Conduct an audit of our messaging strategy.

Address the issue of notifications getting too noisy; throttle, collapse or mute notifications where necessary.  

Identify opportunities for personalization within our email messages. 

Test what the right daily push notification limit is. 

Send emails when a user has push notifications switched off.

Principle 6: Performance, stability and quality.

The stability and performance of our mobile apps have declined. There is a large backlog of production issues, with more bugs created than resolved over the last 300 days. If this continues, roughly one new unresolved production issue will be created every two days. Apps and backend systems that work well and don't crash are the foundation of a great Tumblr experience. Improving performance, stability, and quality will help us achieve sustainable operations for Tumblr.

Improve performance and stability: deliver crash-free, responsive, and fast-loading apps on Android, iOS, and web.

Improve quality: deliver the highest quality Tumblr experience to our users. 

Move faster: provide APIs and services to unblock core product initiatives and launch new features coming out of Labs.

Conclusion

Our mission has always been to empower the world’s creators. We are wholly committed to ensuring Tumblr evolves in a way that supports our current users while improving areas that attract new creators, artists, and users. You deserve a digital home that works for you. You deserve the best tools and features to connect with your communities on a platform that prioritizes the easy discoverability of high-quality content. This is an invigorating time for Tumblr, and we couldn’t be more excited about our current strategy.

[hollowed-theory-hall]

Harry Potter and PTSD

I think no one would argue Harry Potter isn't traumatized, but I actually wanted to go through PTSD symptoms and find evidence of them in book quotes. It's mostly as a fun, little exercise (the word fun is debatable here, it made me quite sad, actually) as I'm not a licensed therapist, and I have no qualifications to diagnose anyone with anything. But I wanted to take a look at some of how Harry's trauma manifests especially in the final 3 books as the signs of PTSD are most obvious and glaring after Voldemort's resurrection and get worse after Sirius' death.

(As the title and first paragraphs suggest, this post isn't a happy one, so beware. I will be discussing symptoms of trauma as shown in the HP books)

I will be using adult PTSD symptoms since:

Older children and teens usually show symptoms more like those seen in adults. They also may develop disruptive, disrespectful, or destructive behaviors. Older children and teens may feel guilt over not preventing injury or death, or have thoughts of revenge.

(Source)

All further quotes regarding PTSD and its symptoms and how they might show were taken from the same website linked above.

To be diagnosed with PTSD, an adult must have all of the following for at least 1 month: * At least one re-experiencing symptom * At least one avoidance symptom * At least two arousal and reactivity symptoms * At least two cognition and mood symptoms

So, let's get straight into it and go into the diagnosis categories:

Re-experiencing symptoms

* Flashbacks—reliving the traumatic event, including physical symptoms, such as a racing heart or sweating * Recurring memories or dreams related to the event * Distressing thoughts * Physical signs of stress Thoughts and feelings can trigger these symptoms, as can words, objects, or situations that are reminders of the event.

Harry definitely suffers from nightmares post-Voldemort's-resurrection, and memories coming back about it:

Had they all forgotten what he had done? Hadn’t it been he who had entered that graveyard and watched Cedric being murdered and been tied to that tombstone and nearly killed ... ? Don’t think about that, Harry told himself sternly for the hundredth time that summer. It was bad enough that he kept revisiting the graveyard in his nightmares, without dwelling on it in his waking moments too.

(OotP)

In the meantime, he had nothing to look forward to but another restless, disturbed night, because even when he escaped nightmares about Cedric he had unsettling dreams about long dark corridors, all finishing in dead ends and locked doors, which he supposed had something to do with the trapped feeling he had when he was awake.

(OotP)

And it continues even months later, he's still dreaming about the graveyard:

He was not going to share his dreams with anyone. He knew perfectly well what his regular nightmare about a graveyard meant, he did not need Ron or Professor Trelawney or the stupid Dream Oracle to tell him that...

(OotP)

Distressing thoughts are par for the course for Harry, but I'll bring up some examples:

And Harry saw very clearly as he sat there under the hot sun how people who cared about him had stood in front of him one by one, his mother, his father, his godfather, and finally Dumbledore, all determined to protect him; but now that was over. He could not let anybody else stand between him and Voldemort; he must abandon forever the illusion he ought to have lost at the age of one, that the shelter of a parent’s arms meant that nothing could hurt him.

(HBP)

He feels responsible for all of their deaths even though they are all adults who chose to be there and protect him. Harry still feels guilt and responsibility over them, even when it isn't his fault, and he shouldn't feel responsible for those who stood between him and Voldemort.

While Harry shows physical signs of stress (such as a racing heart or sweating), They are shown in actual moments of stress where any human would be stressed, so I don't count them here since they are not an immediate result of trauma.

Regardless, I'd say he does have relieving symptoms. Recurring dreams, thoughts, and a sense of guilt are all present.

Avoidance symptoms

* Staying away from places, events, or objects that are reminders of the experience * Avoiding thoughts or feelings related to the traumatic event Avoidance symptoms may cause people to change their routines. For example, some people may avoid driving or riding in a car after a serious car accident.

Harry doesn't actually have the luxury to really avoid anything (poor boy) but he does avoid talking about his dreams of the graveyard, as mentioned in the quote in the Re-experiencing section. He doesn't tell anyone, not even Ron or Hermione about his nightmares. Neither does he want to talk about Cedric. He doesn't even want to think about the graveyard and Cedric as mentioned in one of the above quotes:

Had they all forgotten what he had done? Hadn’t it been he who had entered that graveyard and watched Cedric being murdered and been tied to that tombstone and nearly killed ... ? Don’t think about that, Harry told himself sternly for the hundredth time that summer.

(OotP)

Even though Cho keeps bringing Cedric up to process her own experience, Harry does not want to talk or think about him and what happened at the graveyard.

She shook her head and wiped her eyes on her sleeve. “I’m — sorry,” she said thickly. “I suppose ... it’s just ... learning all this stuff... It just makes me ... wonder whether ... if he’d known it all ... he’d still be alive...” Harry’s heart sank right back past its usual spot and settled somewhere around his navel. He ought to have known. She wanted to talk about Cedric.

(OotP)

“I came in here with Cedric last year,” said Cho. In the second or so it took for him to take in what she had said, Harry’s insides had become glacial. He could not believe she wanted to talk about Cedric now, while kissing couples surrounded them and a cherub floated over their heads.

(OotP)

Zacharias said dismissively, “All Dumbledore told us last year was that Cedric Diggory got killed by You- Know-Who and that you brought Diggory’s body back to Hogwarts. He didn’t give us details, he didn’t tell us exactly how Diggory got murdered, I think we’d all like to know — ” “If you’ve come to hear exactly what it looks like when Voldemort murders someone I can’t help you,” Harry said. His temper, always so close to the surface these days, was rising again. He did not take his eyes from Zacharias Smith’s aggressive face, determined not to look at Cho. “I don’t want to talk about Cedric Diggory, all right? So if that’s what you’re here for, you might as well clear out.”

(OotP)

And when he mentions some of it, he's emotionally overwhelmed and stumbling over his words. He didn't really process everything that happened in the graveyard and he doesn't know how to talk about it:

Ron and Hermione were still smirking and Harry felt his temper rise; he wasn’t even sure why he was feeling so angry. “Don’t sit there grinning like you know better than I do, I was there, wasn’t I?” he said heatedly. “I know what went on, all right? And I didn’t get through any of that because I was brilliant at Defense Against the Dark Arts, I got through it all because — because help came at the right time, or because I guessed right — but I just blundered through it all, I didn’t have a clue what I was doing — STOP LAUGHING!” The bowl of murtlap essence fell to the floor and smashed. He became aware that he was on his feet, though he couldn’t remember standing up. Crookshanks streaked away under a sofa; Ron and Hermione’s smiles had vanished. “You don’t know what it’s like You — neither of you — you’ve never had to face him, have you? You think it’s just memorizing a bunch of spells and throwing them at him, like you’re in class or something? The whole time you know there’s nothing between you and dying except your own — your own brain or guts or whatever — like you can think straight when you know you’re about a second from being murdered, or tortured, or watching your friends die — they’ve never taught us that in their classes, what it’s like to deal with things like that — and you two sit there acting like I’m a clever little boy to be standing here, alive, like Diggory was stupid, like he messed up — you just don’t get it, that could just as easily have been me, it would have been if Voldemort hadn’t needed me — ”

(OotP)

He mentions how it isn't easy for him to talk about it when he does his interview for the Quibbler:

Harry had not found it an easy experience to talk about the night when Voldemort had returned. Rita had pressed him for every little detail, and he had given her everything he could remember, knowing that this was his one big opportunity to tell the world the truth. He wondered how people would react to the story. He guessed that it would confirm a lot of people in the view that he was completely insane, not least because his story would be appearing alongside utter rubbish about Crumple-Horned Snorkacks. But the breakout of Bellatrix Lestrange and her fellow Death Eaters had given Harry a burning desire to do something, whether it worked or not...

(OotP)

So, I'd say Harry shows avoidance symptoms in abundance as well.

Arousal and reactivity symptoms

* Being easily startled * Feeling tense, on guard, or on edge * Having difficulty concentrating * Having difficulty falling asleep or staying asleep * Feeling irritable and having angry or aggressive outbursts * Engaging in risky, reckless, or destructive behavior Arousal symptoms are often constant. They can lead to feelings of stress and anger and may interfere with parts of daily life, such as sleeping, eating, or concentrating.

"CONSTANT VIGILENCE!" anyone?

But more seriously, Harry is extra vigilant and alert in the final 3 books especially. As mentioned in the above quote with Smith, Harry is more angry in the final 3 books:

“If you’ve come to hear exactly what it looks like when Voldemort murders someone I can’t help you,” Harry said. His temper, always so close to the surface these days, was rising again.

(OotP)

His temper, which was always present, got worse after the graveyard. In book 4, Harry holds Ron back from hitting Draco when Draco throws his usual insults:

“You know your mother, Malfoy?” said Harry — both he and Hermione had grabbed the back of Ron’s robes to stop him from launching himself at Malfoy

(GoF)

In book 5, Harry punches Draco himself over similar insults because he's angrier and has less of a handle on his emotions and reactions. He is barely aware of what he's doing:

Harry was not aware of releasing George, all he knew was that a second later both of them were sprinting at Malfoy. He had completely forgotten the fact that all the teachers were watching: All he wanted to do was cause Malfoy as much pain as possible. With no time to draw out his wand, he merely drew back the fist clutching the Snitch and sank it as hard as he could into Malfoy’s stomach —

(OotP)

And in general, Harry is much more on guard:

He raised the cup to his lips and then, just as suddenly, lowered it. One of the horrible painted kittens behind Umbridge had great round blue eyes just like Mad-Eye Moody’s magical one, and it had just occurred to Harry what Mad-Eye would say if he ever heard that Harry had drunk anything offered by a known enemy.

(OotP)

He startles easily and is ready for an attack at all moments:

Dudley lay curled up on the ground, whimpering and shaking. Harry bent down to see whether he was in a fit state to stand up, but then heard loud, running footsteps behind him; instinctively raising his wand again, he spun on his heel to face the newcomer.

(OotP - after the dementor attack)

Malfoy wheeled around, drawing his wand. Instinctively, Harry pulled out his own. Malfoy’s hex missed Harry by inches, shattering the lamp on the wall beside him; Harry threw himself sideways, thought Levicorpus, and flicked his wand, but Malfoy blocked the jinx and raised his wand for another — 

(HBP)

“Pathetic, Weasley,” said Snape, after a while. “Here — let me show you — ” He turned his wand on Harry so fast that Harry reacted instinctively; all thought of nonverbal spells forgotten, he yelled, “Protego!” His Shield Charm was so strong Snape was knocked off-balance and hit a desk. The whole class had looked around and now watched as Snape righted himself, scowling.

(HBP)

By HBP and OotP, Harry is always ready for an attack and he defends himself on instinct. It doesn't matter where he is or what he's doing, fight or flight instincts take over and he's acting. It's always there, under the surface, ready to spring.

After Sirius dies, we also see a change in what Harry keeps to himself and what he says out loud. All his sassiest quotes towards Snape come from after Sirius dies. Harry becomes more reckless with his words (and actions in general). The pain makes him care less about his own life and future:

“What are you doing, Potter?” said Snape coldly as ever, as he strode over to the four of them. “I’m trying to decide what curse to use on Malfoy, sir,” said Harry fiercely. Snape stared at him.

(OotP - after Sirius' death)

“Yes, sir.” “There’s no need to call me ‘sir,’ Professor.” The words had escaped him before he knew what he was saying. Several people gasped, including Hermione. Behind Snape, however, Ron, Dean, and Seamus grinned appreciatively.

(HBP - yes, this famous scene is because Harry is depressed)

This is Harry just speaking his mind with complete and utter disregard for the consequences of what comes out of his mouth. This is something we see with him only after Sirius died, as before that, he made an attempt to not anger his professors, even Snape. In the earlier books, Harry is all for de-escalating situations with Snape:

“What on earth were you thinking of?” said Professor McGonagall, with cold fury in her voice. Harry looked at Ron, who was still standing with his wand in the air. “You’re lucky you weren’t killed. Why aren’t you in your dormitory?” Snape gave Harry a swift, piercing look. Harry looked at the floor. He wished Ron would put his wand down.

(PS)

“Let’s see,” he said, in his silkiest voice. “Fifty points from Gryffindor and a detention each for Potter and Weasley. Now get inside, or it’ll be a week’s worth of detentions.” Harry’s ears were ringing. The injustice of it made him want to curse Snape into a thousand slimy pieces. He passed Snape, walked with Ron to the back of the dungeon, and slammed his bag down onto the table. Ron was shaking with anger too — for a moment, it felt as though everything was back to normal between them, but then Ron turned and sat down with Dean and Seamus instead, leaving Harry alone at his table. On the other side of the dungeon, Malfoy turned his back on Snape and pressed his badge, smirking. POTTER STINKS flashed once more across the room.

(GoF)

Harry may be thinking of wanting to say/do something, but he doesn't, because he has some self-preservation. This self-preservation disappears as the books go along. Harry in the early books is much more concerned for his own well-being than in the later books, and I don't think it's due to bravery or childhood trauma, at least, that isn't all there is. I think it's a reaction to some of his more recent trauma as well. A combination of feeling responsible for everything and thinking it's fine he goes through pain and danger because that's what he should do. In HBP and DH, he repeatedly says how willing he is to endanger himself, but not others. It's why he breaks up with Ginny, it's why he initially doesn't want Ron and Hermione to come with him on the Horcrux hunt. He thinks his own life is worth less. That it isn't so bad if he dies.

So he shows 3 arousal and reactivity symptoms at least.

Cognition and mood symptoms

* Trouble remembering key features of the traumatic event * Negative thoughts about oneself or the world * Exaggerated feelings of blame directed toward oneself or others * Ongoing negative emotions, such as fear, anger, guilt, or shame * Loss of interest in previous activities * Feelings of social isolation * Difficulty feeling positive emotions, such as happiness or satisfaction Cognition and mood symptoms can begin or worsen after the traumatic event. They can lead people to feel detached from friends or family members.

I already mentioned Harry's guilt regarding people "who stood between him and Voldemort". And it's true for this section as well. And I mentioned above how Harry considers his own life as worth less than others, which leads him to be incredibly reckless.

Besides the above two points, Harry also shows clear signs of depressive states:

On the fourth night after Hedwig’s departure Harry was lying in one of his apathetic phases, staring at the ceiling, his exhausted mind quite blank, when his uncle entered his bedroom. Harry looked slowly around at him. Uncle Vernon was wearing his best suit and an expression of enormous smugness.

(OotP)

Harry mentions that after the graveyard in the summer between 4th and 5th year, he starts having what he calls "apathetic phases", in which he just feels too tired to even think, just staring blankly at the ceiling. Him calling it "phases" as in, plural, suggests this is a common occurrence at the Dursleys.

Even later in Deathly Hallows, we see this is something Harry still does. After Ron leaves Harry and Hermione are at their most depressed:

She [Hermione] threw herself into a chair, curled up, and started to cry. Harry felt dazed. He stooped, picked up the Horcrux, and placed it around his own neck. He dragged blankets off Ron’s bunk and threw them over Hermione. Then he climbed onto his own bed and stared up at the dark canvas roof, listening to the pounding of the rain.

(DH)

Hermione reacts to her emotions by crying and letting them out, she's processing her emotions in some capacity, as hard as it is. Harry, on the other hand, just gets tired. His mind goes blank and he just stares blankly at the ceiling. Another one of these "apathetic phases". Instead of feeling, he goes numb.

We also see in book 6 how he loses some of his interest in Quidditch. The one pastime that reliably brought him joy, wasn't as important to Harry post Sirius' death. Sure, he was still playing, still interested, but there was none of the joy described previously. He doesn't have the same passion and interest even though he's the captain:

Harry smiled back vaguely, but as he pulled on his scarlet robes his mind was far from Quidditch. 

(HBP)

“Don’t be stupid,” said Ron sharply. “You couldn’t have missed a Quidditch match just to follow Malfoy, you’re the Captain!”

(HBP)

Some of it is to follow Draco who Harry thinks is a Death Eater, sure, but Harry in 4th year would not have acted the same. He wouldn't have let it make him miss a game, he wouldn't have even considered it.

In Deathly Hallows we also see Harry struggling with happiness in many ways. Yes, the situation is bad, but he is so incredibly affected by it, and I do want to mention that:

But they were not living, thought Harry: They were gone. The empty words could not disguise the fact that his parents’ moldering remains lay beneath snow and stone, indifferent, unknowing. And tears came before he could stop them, boiling hot then instantly freezing on his face, and what was the point in wiping them off or pretending? He let them fall, his lips pressed hard together, looking down at the thick snow hiding from his eyes the place where the last of Lily and James lay, bones now, surely, or dust, not knowing or caring that their living son stood so near, his heart still beating, alive because of their sacrifice and close to wishing, at this moment, that he was sleeping under the snow with them.

(DH)

This above quote makes me so sad whenever I read it, and I do want to mention it here. Like, Harry isn't actively suicidal, but he's in a lot of pain that he wants to stop. These negative thoughts are practically a constant in DH even when he isn't wearing the Horcrux.

A hundred dementors were advancing, gliding toward them, sucking their way closer to Harry’s despair, which was like a promise of a feast. ... He saw Ron’s silver terrier burst into the air, flicker feebly, and expire; he saw Hermione’s otter twist in midair and fade; and his own wand trembled in his hand, and he almost welcomed the oncoming oblivion, the promise of nothing, of no feeling. . . .

(DH)

Harry is the character with the most reliable Patronus, but even for him at some point, it's too much and he struggles with it. Struggles to bring up the happiness he needs for a Patronus. The happiness part is what he always struggled with most when it came to this spell, after all:

“No!” said Harry. He got up again. “I’ll have one more go! I’m not thinking of happy enough things, that’s what it is. ... Hang on. ...” He racked his brains. A really, really happy memory . . . one that he could turn into a good, strong Patronus ...

(PoA)

So, I'd say he shows at least 4 cognitive and mood symptoms.

Conclusions

Someone get this boy a hug and therapy, I really don't have much more to say.

I started writing this post to see if I could find evidence of PTSD symptoms in the books, and I searched and found so many that it just made me sad. So, yes, Harry obviously deals with untreated PTSD he has no idea how to regulate in the final 3 books and I think his readiness to walk towards his own demise is influenced by it.

[hms-no-fun]

I know you said you're cautiously optimistic about HS2, but the newest blog post has me kinda worried. The talk of "fixing the fans broken trust" and how even the new writers don't like a lot of story decisions that were made by the old team seem really off to me, like it's throwing the old team under the bus. I want to expect good things from HS2 but when the people working on it don't seem to like the story as it stands right now it really just seems like they might bend over backwards to appease the shitty side of the fandom. What do you think about this whole thing?

this is in reference to the october 30th 2023 news update on the hs:bc website. i give the date because the news posts don't seem to have individual links atm, so if you're reading this in the future you might have to scroll back.

to your worry that the new team might bend over backwards to appease the shitty side of the fandom, i wrote at length in my prior hs:bc post about why i don't think that's gonna be a problem. i'd also caution against reading too much into what james says about the attitude of the hs:bc team at large, for reasons that should be apparent by the end of this post.

i think it's perfectly reasonable to take a diplomatic position towards a fandom that is historically very hostile to this continuation. a lot of people haven't read the epilogues/hs2 and hate on them anyway because of what they've been told they contain, and refuse to question those received opinions on principle. many who did read them seem to have been inattentive or otherwise needlessly aggressive, sometimes owing to a baffling refusal to accept the premise of postcanon. plenty of others maybe just need a reason to think that homestuck is for them again. for this project to succeed, the fandom at large needs to be given a reason to revisit the epilogues/hs2 from a position of safety and critical distance. i have my own barbed opinions about this state of affairs, but it is what it is.

i understand and to an extent share your misgivings over that Q&A post, but it simply is not james roach's job to relitigate the conduct of the hs2 team. to even broach the subject in more than a general sense would constitute the opening of a massive can of worms, because the truth is muddy. mistakes were made on all sides, some worse than others, and to really contextualize where the hs2 team were coming from you'd need to explain the history of the hs fandom, the leadership of the reddit/discord, the overall tenor of twitter post-2016 and especially leading into/during 2020, the history of pgen and the homestuck renaissance, the lack of PR training or oversight or guidance from anyone at WP, the history of audience hostility in homestuck, and on, and on. for what it's worth, i think that context is essential-- but i don't know that anyone working on this project ought to be the ones to tell it (nor do i think they want that responsibility), and a brief casual Q&A post as a halloween treat is certainly not the place to publish it.

and ultimately, none of that has much at all to do with hs:bc. they are not beholden to or responsible for the choices made by the hs2 team. they have been entrusted with the reins of this story, and with that trust comes their own admitted desire to take it in different directions than what was initially planned. the hs2 team did this to the outline andrew hussie gave them; it's only fair that the hs:bc team has the same leeway over the outline they inherited. acknowledging fault in prior leadership, admitting disagreement over past creative decisions, is an olive branch to a largely skeptical fandom. i bristle at some of this because the hs2 team were my friends and i'm very protective of their work and that moment in history, but that isn't james roach's (nor the hs:bc team's) cross to bear. his choice, as the new public face of homestuck, is to move forward rather than linger on the past. it's good that he's burying the hatchet, frankly. i'm sick of that fucking thing.

love it or hate it, agree or disagree, the hs:bc crew has to exercise diplomacy right now. they've reopened the patreon and want to sustain this project for the foreseeable future, ideally without subjecting the workers to intensely traumatic levels of scrutiny and harassment. this involves clearing up miscommunications, admitting fault, gesturing at shared disagreements over story direction, and otherwise putting on a friendly face for strangers. and let's be clear, i know for a fact that plenty on the original hs2 team had a panoply of disagreements with the choices made in the epilogues! the operative condition here is not unquestioning devotion to / hatred of prior material, but a willingness to build upon that prior material constructively regardless. that's what matters most to me, and i have every reason to believe they're taking the constructive route.

i'll end this saying what i've been saying from the start. the measure of this project's success or failure should be taken in the work itself. if james roach blanket dismissed the prior team, but hs:bc constructively evolved in a way that didn't invalidate or undercut prior material, i'd still consider us oldschool hs2 fans the winners. i wouldn't be HAPPY about it, but the art is what we're all here for, and it's the art that people will remember. i think often about how the showrunners of the tv series LOST insisted from day one until the very end that everything in the show had a scientific explanation, despite the fact that they *always knew* this was a bald-faced lie. they told this lie because ABC did not want to fund a fantasy show and would've canceled it otherwise. some fans to this day decry the lack of scientific explanations in the text of the show, even when you point out that the promise of such explanations was false from the start.

point is, there are material realities to leading a creative enterprise. james roach has put himself in a genuinely dangerous and scary position, a fact that's easy to forget with how casual and welcoming his posts have been thus far. but this is perhaps the single most mismanaged property of the internet age, and there's no walking that back without stepping on some toes. over-correction is expected and probably necessary. if it ruffles your feathers, that's fine-- but let the work speak for itself, and judge it on its own merits. all this other stuff is ancillary and will inevitably fade into the distant fog of time.

[clarkes-and-god]

"Happy birthday, Joy! Are you having a good day, sweetie?"

"I am, Miss Beth! Mama made me a new doll for my birthday, and Will got blocks that Daddy made 'cause it was his birthday this week too. And now I'm six, I can help Mama make supper, and that's good because she's got a baby in her belly."

"Oh, that's such a blessing! You'll be such a good mommy when you're older, Joy. I bet your mommy and daddy are so grateful for all your help."

"Fabian, let me ask you this -- what's your plan if the stores shut down? No notice, so you can't run and get supplies or nothin'."

"I haven't really thought about it, I guess. We've got some canned stuff in the pantry, and Beth's good at meal prepping. I started growing some tomatoes and stuff too, last summer.

"That's how most folks are. But we're living on borrowed time and nobody's gonna see it coming 'till it's too late. Everything in the towns and cities runs off oil, or the electrical grid, and if they stop working, then everything is gonna collapse. And we all know it ain't good people who are in charge of those. All that talk about smart grids for power? Just a fancy way of sayin' they can turn off the electricity anytime they want. It's closer than you think, man."

"Oh, that sounds serious. What should we do?"

"Well, we've been preparing for quite some time now, so we've got an good amount of stuff ready. Enough to last us at least 3 years, even with the new baby. And with the talk about those smart grids, I'm taking us off the grid. I'm settin' up a wind turbine, and we've got a backup generator and gas, just in case. But if you're just starting, you need to focus on food that lasts. Get yourself some rice, beans, maybe some canned stuff if you've not got a decent garden going. Zizi cans a bunch of stuff we grow in the garden, and some of the meat from the chickens and sheep we have, I'll get her to teach Beth about it. You ever heard of Mylar bags and oxygen absorbers?"

"No, I don't think I have."

"You seal your food in Mylar bags with oxygen absorbers and it'll keep for decades, it's good stuff. Remind me, did I ever tell you about the websites I use?"

"I remember something you said about SimChan."

"Oh, right. That's alright but you've gotta be careful with it. Lot of people there just post the work of the devil, and don't do anything to prepare themselves for the end of times. Not that everyone's like that on there, but I think you ought to search up The Watchmen Of Zion. That's where I get my news from, the stuff the media ain't covering. The Off-Grid Ark and Prepper's Haven are good for advice on how to prepare your family for what's coming. You've got plenty of land too, so it should be easy enough to get yourselves ready."

"Thanks. You don't think this is all gonna happen too soon, do you? I mean, what if it happens tomorrow and I haven't prepared? I'd hate for anything to happen to Beth and our girls."

"I'm gonna be honest with you, Fabian. No one can say when it'll start, but I reckon it'll be soon, looking at the state of the world today. If I was in your shoes, I'd be acting like it'll be sooner rather than later, you hear me?"

"Alright. I'll look those websites up tonight."

"That's good to hear. I know you and Beth are good people who want as many kids as the Lord sees fit to bless you with, but there's no point in it if they'll starve to death the minute stores close. it's all part of being a provider, you know?"

[hollowtones]

do you have any tips for . getting motivated to learn to cook? i am struggling but i really want to enjoy good foods made by me…

Start small. Start simple. Do stuff that requires minimal prep and few ingredients. That way you have more energy to spend on practicing technique because you're spending less energy worrying about everything else. Bake a potato. Make a simple pasta. Make a salad. Put a can of beans in a pan with some spices and a bit of garlic. Make oatmeal. Cook an egg. Fry up a grilled cheese. Find a veggie side dish you like and see how you can make a simple version of it. You know yourself better than me. Think about what you like & how you can make it fun to make something for yourself.

If the issue is "where do I start? how do I start?" The websites I tend to look recipes up on are Serious Eats and The Omnivore's Cookbook. There's other good sites out there, but there's also a lot of clickbait garbage type stuff (like with anything else out there, I suppose), so you might need to do some looking around.

If the issue is "how do I actually do any of this?" One of my favourite Guys Who Do Cooking Stuff Online is J. Kenji López-Alt & he does a lot of POV videos where he cooks & talks about the technique & ingredient substitutions and stuff. He does a buncha writing for Serious Eats, too. Another channel I like is Internet Shaquille, which also generally focuses on technique & learning & approachability to cooking. I have spent a lot of time looking at various channels on YouTube related to cooking and there are a lot of them ranging from "useless if you are new" to "useless if you are on a budget" to "this is a long-form advertisement" to "this guy's just miserable to listen to". There's more than just two good video resources out there, obviously, but these are two that I like.

If your issue is "but this seems like so much work?" Well... sometimes it is. Try focusing on individual steps if that stresses you out (it stresses me out on some days, too). Also, get into the habit of cleaning your dishes / kitchen ASAP. I don't have much specific advice to offer on that other than Find Out How To Make It A Habit For Yourself. But making sure you have a clean & empty sink / a loaded dishwasher by the end of the day makes things less of a slog in my experience. You know your own capabilities and energy levels better than I do, and you ought to know there's no shame or no wrong-doing in getting help, or getting certain things pre-made or pre-cooked, or anything like that. Anyone who tells you otherwise is probably projecting, or a dickhead, or trying to sell you something.

I know some of this kind of amounts to "well just try it". But genuinely, just try things out. Try not to be too discouraged by failure. Mistakes are a learning experience for next time, and often cooking mistakes are recoverable, and sometimes cooking mistakes let you accidentally discover something you like. (The number of times I've fucked up eggs over-easy made me realize I like it when the yolks are broken up & they're just kinda soft and lightly scrambled. LOL)

[copper-dragon-in-disguise]

Could you do me a favor and tell me literally every piece of info abt dnd you can? Asking for an aster

@amethyst-aster (just so you see it)

hello!

so. this is long which is why there is a cut. i feel i ought to foreworn you that i read the entire players handbook cover to cover the summer i turned 11 because i was lonely and autistic. i memorized it (mostly. little rusty on some of the magic rules but whatever). /not sarcastic so! this is EXTREMELY LONG.

first up! your basics:

dungeons and dragons is a tabletop roleplaying game first created in 1974 by gary gygax. that's not so important. what is important is this: it is currently in its fifth edition (shorthanded as 5e). that is the one i know the most about and it is personally the one i think is the easiest to play, but thats my own preference. my biology teacher thinks 5e is bloody stupid and he plays the second edition (2e), which i find much harder and more limiting.

There are three core rulebooks, and a number of supplementary books.

The most important of those three (and the only one you need to know, really, unless you're the one running the game) is called The Player's Handbook (PHB). It contains the rules for building a character and playing them.

Because it will run you upwards of $50USD per copy, here is a pdf of it on archive dot org.

The other two is the Monster Manuel (MM) (a book of all the monsters in the game) and the Dungeon Master's Guide (DMG) (a book of how to run a game, but you don't need it as a player). They are here and here.

There are a number of d&d youtubers who have tutorial videos on this type of thing. my favorite is Ginny Di, but there are literally dozens out there.

BASIC TERMS

A Character sheet is the thing you have all the information about your character recorded on. It comes in several variations, but this is a free form fillable pdf version, and this is a free printable (both from the wizards of the coast (wotc) website, but the second is hosted on archive.org) (wotc are the company that owns the copyright to the game).

A class is the vocation of the character. its what they do with themselves, but its not necessarily a job.

A race is the character's species. this is also called their species, but in offical material you'll see it called their race.

A background is how their past shaped the character.

A backstory is that past.

Ability scores are the abilities of the character, they are determined with dice rolls. There are six of them, and many years ago someone explained them with tomatoes and that's still the easiest way to explain them in my opinion. You figure them out by rolling 4d6 and adding up the three highest numbers, for a total of 6 times.

ID in alt text. [I cannot find the original source, I am sorry, nor the graphic's source]

There are various types of dice, conveniently labeled with this image below:

ID in alt. [Source]

The d20 is the most important; its what you'll use to roll ability checks and saving throws and etc.

If you don't have your own physical dice (they are advalible online, at barnes & nobles, and at your local gaming store, but many people don't have a local gaming store (me)), you can roll them on many websites. My preferred one is this one, but any work. Google has its own built in, too.

MAKING A CHARACTER

So. You have your dice, now what?

Now you make a character sheet! there are many videos online explaining how to do this (there is a lovely one here and here), but i'm going to explain it here how I generally do it.

Step 0- OPTIONAL:

Take your character sheet, and come up with an idea. Who do you want to play? A gay disaster who can shapeshift? a hobbit? a chaotic ginger with too many cats and a habit of making deals with eldritch powers? You can be whatever the hell you want. alternatively, you can look at the options in the PHB first, and go from there.

Step 1- Pick a race/species.

There are well over 30 of these, and I'm not listing them all. But the ones advaliable in the player's handbook are as follows:

Dwarf. Your sterotypical mining, axe wielding, beared fantasy dwarf. ex: Gimli, in Lord of the Rings

ID in alt. [Source]

Elf. Traditionally depicted as tall, graceful, and living in the woods. Generally have pointed ears. ex. Legolas in Lord of the Rings.

ID in alt text. [Source]

Halfling. Literally just renamed hobbits, so they don't get sued. Known for being short and excellent cooks. ex. Frodo, Sam, Merry, & Pippin from Lord of the Rings. (I can't seperate them, it feels wrong)

ID in alt. [Source]

Human. We all know what humans are. Generally viewed as very adaptable species in d&d! also in real life. ex. Bill Nye the Science Guy.

ID in alt. [Source]

Dragonborn. A bipedal species descended from dragons. They're cool as shit. ex. I literally cannot think of one i'm sorry.

ID in alt. [Source]

Gnome. Known for being very tinkery, small, and causing mischief. Also, for some reason, for being in gardens. ex. Pike Trickfoot from Critical Role.

ID in alt text. [Source]

Half-elf. Half elf, half something else! They generally have a lot of angst, but not always. Sometimes people say they combine the best of both worlds (elf and human), and sometimes people say they have it really shitty. ex. Keyleth from critical role.

ID in alt. [Source]

Half-Orc. half orc, half something else! I dunno really how to describe them. ex. Fjord Lavorre from Critical Role

ID in alt. [Source]

Tiefling. A humanoid species with horns and a tail, and often brightly colored skin. Extremely Gender in my opinion.

Step 2- Pick a class.

There are 12 core classes, and one more added in a later book. I'll go over all 13!

ARTIFICER. A magical tinkerer. A bit like leo valdez in pjo? Their core stat is intelligence. In my opinion they're very complicated for a first character ever, but do what you want its your game i do not care.

BARBARIAN. If you want to wear no armor, have an axe (or other weapon), and charge into battle shouting, this is the class for you! its fun and decently simple for first time players, in my opinion. Core stat is Strength (and constitution).

BARD. Someoe who uses the magic of creation to do shit. Also known for seducing anything that moves, but that's optional. Core stat is charisma. Seems simple at first, but they have a lot of spells to manage at later levels, but they're not too hard. The main guy in the d&d movie is one.

CLERIC. They're healers and warriors. Generally have got some sort of divine magic, but don't necessarily have to. Semi-difficult? I haven't ever played one, so I don't know how easy it would be for a first character ever. Main stat is wisdom.

DRUID. Person who turns into animals and respects the enviroment. Basically, the lorax, but less orange and with more turning into animals (druid lovers out there i am sorry for saying y'all are the lorax please don't come after me with pitchforks). they're okay for a first character but they can be a little confusing. Main stats are wisdom (and constitution).

FIGHTER. Someone who fights things. The most basic of the d&d classes, and one of the simplest for first time players, probably, but I haven't ever played one so who knows. Main stats are strength or dexterity.

MONK. Person who punches people a lot. Like Aang from avatar: the last airbender. Main stats are dexterity and wisdom. They seem simple, but one of the mechanics is slightly confusing, but they're still really simple.

PALADIN. Your tradition knight. A guy (gender neutral) in plate armor with a horse and loyalty issues. I love playing paladins so much, they're great. Personally I think they're a little confusing. Main stats are Strength & Charisma.

RANGER. Someone who wanders through the forest and fights things, like strider (but not like aragorn) from lotr. Core stats are wisdom and strength. My first ever character was an elf ranger named Thia Nailo. She was awesome. Rangers can also have pet panthers and shit, and sometimes small dragons (not tiny dragons, though. Like horse sized dragons).

ROGUE. A thief. My second ever character, and the first one who I played for any significant length of time (thia's campaign died out) was a half-elf rogue named Enna Helder-Kromlin. Rogues are a really good class for first time players, I feel like. Core stat is dexterity.

SORCERER. Someone born with magic. Main stat is charisma. They can be a little complicated.

WARLOCK. Someone who made a deal with some sort of higher power (eldritch being, god(s), etc) for magic. they make bad decisions for a living and its awesome. my favorite ever character was an elf warlock named Mara. Her patron lived in a shield and she had a wisdom of 5 but a charisma of 20. Core stat is charisma.

WIZARD. Gandalf. Someone who studied magic and learned it that way. Main stat is intelligence. They can get really complicated, really fast, but they're still a viable option for your first time.

Step 3- Backstory

There are other things to do, but its late and i'm tired. What you need to do from here is figure out what your character's life was like before now. Or, if you dont want to, then get a vibe for their personality or something.

NOW WHAT?

When you have a character, your DM (Dungeon master, the person running the game, the ''narrator'') will give you scenario, and you roleplay your way through it.

Literally anything can happen. It's d&d. the rules are suggestions, not actual rules. Make it what you want it to be!!!!

If you have other questions please contact me I love them even if it takes me forever to answer them sometimes.

[ballonleastadiumofficial]

@titanfae hey Bede, I need advice, I'm really sorry to bother you but I really don't know what to do. Lately a classmate has been... I don't want to say pestering but I don't have any other word for it...

basically they've been asking me to be their rival really... eagerly, and I wouldn't have a problem with it if they didn't primarily train poison types, and I told them that I'm horrified of poison types and it'd be too scary for me but they brushed it off saying that I'm just scared of their type advantage and being rivals would be good exposure therapy but I don't think it would be and they won't leave me alone.

My dad told me to talk it out but I don't know how I can be any more clear about my feelings and my aunt told me to "knock their lights out" the next time they ask me which for obvious reasons I can't do, so do you have any ideas?

...Hm. Hello, Ms. Titania.

I'd like to preface my response by mentioning that you aren't bothering me in the slightest. Regardless of how much of an odious irritant you seem to believe yourself to be, you're no more bothersome than anyone else on this website. At the very least, I know I can have intelligent discussion with you, which is more than I can say for some...

As for your question, I can certainly tell you what I would do in your situation. I'd tell this trainer that I've far surpassed their skill, that my masterfully trained Kirlia and Klefki would only give them grief, and that they ought to come back when they're on my level... Or perhaps I'd point out that their desperation to be the rival of someone with a type disadvantage only makes their insecurity as a trainer far more apparent, and that it's a pity that they allow their weakness and need for validation to fester so much as to stop them from challenging anyone they aren't 100% sure they could beat.

But I'm assuming you'd like a different solution, wouldn't you.

You will have to be somewhat assertive, mind. That much is true. But I suppose it's possible to be both firm and polite. Why don't you try pointing out that you've refused their request already, and that it's getting quite tiresome to have to repeat yourself. Make them see the futility of their advances. Surely they're not so oblivious as to be unable to see that they're wasting their time when it's laid out in front of them.

All else fails, you could scare them off by saying you've got a Gym Leader on your side. After all, who would want to pick fights with someone under the instruction of my expertise?

[paula-of-christ]

Why You Should Take Dating Advice Unseriously

I decided to go look and see what a former tumblr user is up to, who was rather infamous so I will not be saying who, and I'm astounded at the relationship advice they were giving out. Someone who has presumably not dated for over a decade, because they are married and have children older than that, giving advice to women that amounts to "radfem" hatred of men. As Catholics we ought to love all of our brothers in Christ, even if they can only afford "cheap" first dates, like coffee or drinks. I'm not sure the poster has been out to have drinks lately, but alcoholic drinks (and the food that generally goes with them) are not cheap. And is a good, casual place to go to so long as you 1) do not drink more than what is appropriate and 2) are in a well populated area. For safety reasons this should be adhered to on the first 5 or 6 dates. But even then, a coffee date which can turn into a walk in the park, is a great first date. Why should a man have to spend an exuberant amount of money on a first date, for someone he may not like, or for someone who may not like him?

The post was just so degrading to men as well as women. Saying women who pay for dating sites were just desperate and asking to be taken advantage of monetarily by men. And that men who cannot afford a subscription to a dating service that allows him to message someone back or allow the other person to see their message right away, are just too poor to date.

It boggles my mind because this is not how dating websites work. By and large, to be able to send and receive messages without waiting to open them, BOTH people must have a subscription. That's just how it works.

And even if for some reason only one person needs a subscription to view the message, you still won't be able to message them back. You might be able to send an emoji or react to their message, but actually having a conversation is impossible. So, how are you meant to meet this person? You don't put contact information into your biography or your profile. And if a man provides his contact information, this poster says that you should not be the first to message as a woman. So you are completely left to look at men whom you have no idea how to contact, and that you may not even be interested in. Since the advice in showing men how you are interested, is simply going to their profile, since dating sites will tell them that you looked at their profile. However, when I was on the market, I could not tell you how many men I wasn't interested in after seeing their profile, because of not having similar hobbies, or they didn't fully agree with Catholic Teaching, or because a different photo made me realize I wasn't attracted to someone. Many men, with the idea that I looked at their profile so I must be interested, messaged me, but I wasn't interested in them, so it was a waste for them to do so. This means it can take many months or even years for someone to find a person to even go on one date with, let alone to marry.

My point being, having a shallow view of men - that is, that they are not worth the time of day if they won't spend hundreds of dollars on a dating site every year, and in fact are stingy or cheap for not doing so - as well as a shallow view of women - that being sure of yourself and what you want and being direct about it - is not what we are meant to do. Yes, a man ought to pursue a woman, and continue doing so even after they have entered a relationship or marriage. But, a woman ought to equally pursue and show her significant other that she is interested in him. It will look different, but it is not wrong to have a crush on someone, and wish to further your relationship with them.

If you have the money and you feel it is worth the money, by all means, pay for that subscription. When I was dating it was not worth it, especially since I found my husband in person, and he is a man who does not use social media. But, there are plenty of good, solid men out there, that will respect you, earn a good living, and will not waste money paying an astronomical amount of money for dating sites, when they do not have a good track record.

[nokingsonlyfooles]

Eyes, Internets, etc.

Okay! I successfully ate in the Denny's without sunglasses today! Our nearest Denny's has, like, spotlights on every table. It has been really painful to eat in restaurants like that, and shop, but I am getting better.

It's still not super comfortable for me to read. I'm not a fan of my surgery results thus far, but a big part of that is I'm not getting much aftercare. "Will my eyes improve to the point that I can once again look over and read my spouse's computer screen, a social interaction I value a great deal?" I wonder. "Your appointment has been cancelled due to unforeseen circumstances, please reschedule it," says the eye doctor. This is the one local person I've found who specializes in binocular vision dysfunction, whom I contacted after self-diagnosing. Nobody else had any idea why I was sick and in pain.

I'm an individual. I went into this with an obvious unique issue (my left eye impairs my binocular vision) and a bunch more less obvious (autistic, problems healing, multiple chronic health issues, etc) only some of which these people bothered to ask me about and then, like usual, they forget all this information and treat me like the default. "Hey, these eye drops don't work!" *crickets* "Yep, okay, back to doing my own research and buying shit off Amazon in case it helps."

But, I am improving. Me and my arsenal of OTC products which may or may not be helping but I'm getting real sick of my eyes not working so I'm throwing everything at the wall to see if it sticks. I'm going to try to get back to the feed and the social interaction. I've tried before and it hasn't been any fun, but now I can eat in the Denny's so we'll see.

The world moves on and stuff's been happening during my extended hiatus. Just to tick off two major things I would've written way more about: There is no justification for genocide, and wow, I gave money to con-artist and plagiarist James Somerton. One of these things is VASTLY more important than the other, but I have less of a personal stake in freeing Palestine. I think I've done all I can to back away from my country of origin and its propensity for letting a little ethnic cleaning slide when it's politically feasible. But I could've done better research on my donations.

I haven't been fucking READING much for the past couple years. Not, you know, books. It's been taking more effort for me to read books, even though I'm still probably reading just as much across various websites (and my own writing and editing). Well, it's still an effort, and I don't know if that's going to change much. Because, once again, I believed people when they said something would be easy to fix and improve my quality of life. I'm sure it's been easy for them, but it's never easy for me. Jury's still out on my "quality of life," which everyone is always very concerned with until it requires some extra effort on their part.

It might still be fine. It just won't be because doctors pay attention and care about me. It'll be because people generally heal and are fine. You can get away with a lot when human bodies are fairly resilient.

Last week, when I needed a refill on some goddamn heartburn medication that a gastroenterologist said I ought to take for the rest of my life to reduce my risk of developing cancer, my family doctor threatened to withhold it because... I haven't been in for a while. I've been back to the specialists I had to beg him to send me to, multiple times, and he has access to my records (and somehow missed my most recent blood work) but apparently he needs to talk to me about...?? I don't even know what, but I bet he'll tell me to take more herbs. ...If he doesn't altogether say he didn't want me to make a phone appointment, he wanted me to come sit in his office and deal with the lights and noise for some reason. We'll see.

I can't... There's not even a word for it, but I can't divest myself of this person and stop him from viewing my records and violating my privacy. Leaving your family doctor in order to not have one is not a thing Canada allows. Obviously, you want a family doctor! Especially if the only alternative is not having one at all! You need one! That may be the case, but this one is kinda low-key trying to kill me and there aren't any others. I would rather have a clinic OKing my prescriptions and sending me to specialists. At least they wouldn't pull bullshit like cutting off my heartburn meds because they might want an update on my thyroid which they should not require me to give them. Or, you know, if they did, I could at least go to another clinic.

This guy can't even remember how to pronounce my name. He's clearly reading it off a piece of paper every time. If and when I change my name and gender officially, I hope it either bothers him so much he fires me as a patient, or it kills him. Those are kinda my only options for getting rid of him. Wow. I'm praying for a guy's death and it's not even one of the ones doing the genocide - man, I'm selfish.

Oh well. This'll be another stressful week with more medical stuff, some of it unnecessary, but maybe I can get back to the feed tomorrow. And maybe I'll be able to draw without making myself sick soon. This too shall pass. I dunno if I'm gonna like where I end up after it passes, but it will pass.

Then I'll have a whole new thing to deal with.

[thankfulguy]

What I'm Doing Here

I've been meaning to start a blog for a while. I was convinced that it would be best for me to do the work myself and start a website (even bought the domain for thankfulguy.org or whatever TLDs seemed good at the time). But who am I kidding? When am I going to have time for that!? (actually, very soon.)

This microblog is just a place where I can drop ideas I have throughout the week.

Important things about me

Christian (Reformed)

Favorite pastor: my church's pastor (obviously)

second favorite pastor: John MacArthur

Occupation: Lisp Programmer

Current main side project: learning Japanese

Source of handle: just one random morning when I was working from home and I was feeling particularly joyful for no apparent reason and I thought "being a thankful guy is generally what I want to be all the time". So naturally, I bought some domains like that. Short. Concise. Descriptive.

(

)

(Obligatory Mr. Timn. Maybe I'm just trying too hard.)

As you can probably tell from my writing style, my social interactions are largely characterized by awkwardness and staircase wit.

-.-.-.

I don't really care if anyone reads this blog, and I'm not really on Tumblr so much for the social aspect. There will be plenty of posts that are just me rambling on and on about nothing in particular. But whatever.

-.-.-.

It would not be an exaggeration that I am unhealthily obsessed with using time effectively. I am often bewildered by the sheer number of options we have these days with respect to how we spend our time. If I lived for 1000 years in the world as it is, I would still not run out of things to do. I think Moses understood this and wrote about it in Psalm 90.

A cursory reading of the above paragraph would likely lead one to believe that I'm extremely productive and perhaps even a workaholic. But this is not the case: the unhealthy part is the depression and shame I feel when I (frequently) do not use my time efficiently. But I'm getting better, little by little, by the grace of God and the empowerment of the Holy Spirit.

-.-.-.

I'm not a very good Christian. That much is clear. (Although in my circles, there is heavy criticism of the very concept of a "good Christian".) What even would a good Christian look like? Jesus was probably the only good Christian.

In my sundry musings on the matters of theology, I sit a bit on the fence between the following two sentiments:

"We cannot comprehend God fully, so we just need to believe His word."

"God encoded His character into the Cosmos in some way. We can learn about God by studying nature"

These are not totally in conflict, and ought to be harmonized. But doing so is challenging for me. I sense in my spirit the desire to replace God with either the Bible or Nature. In fact, I used to believe that the Bible was God, because Jesus is the Word.

-.-.-.

There have been several times in my life that I thought I was going insane because the realness of structures observable in various salient forms (society, the church, general practices, computer programs) seemed to be nothing more than a mental game to those around me. Treating non-physical things like ideas and the future as equally important to that which is found in physical reality seems sensible to me. But this sort of abstract thinking seems to either inspire unease with many whom I talk to, or stir them up to a lively debate.

The simple reality is that the amount I know about the world is proportional to my mind's size relative to God. (In other words: I don't know squat. What I think I know seems generally to be useful in keeping my day to day life in some semblance of order, but the fickleness of Time and Chance often trips me up to being ridiculously risk averse.)

At the bottom of it, the only way out seems to be faith. The realization that I don't know squat about the future, about what I see with my eyes, with what I think of my company's codebase – it forces me either to either faithlessly throw up my hands in despair and commit recklessly to one of the perceived options, or it drives me to pray.

The outcome is usually much better when I pray.

-.-.-.

Recently, it has come to my realization that I'm really addicted to pride. It feels so good to feel good about myself. If only it were easier to understand what the difference is between pride and humility in the general case. But as I've considered various situations in my life and observing those around me, there are so many cases where a person's arrogance as perceived by others was actually radical faith and humility. (the Bible even offers the story of David and Goliath as an example of this.)

Reading Andrew Murray's book, Humility, was a real eye-opener.

-.-.-.

This post is getting too long. And as I said before, I'm prone to rambling. If you got this far, thanks for reading. Please leave a comment if you are curious about anything or want a more thorough treatment of anything I wrote. (Not that going much deeper will be all that productive.)

[hospitalterrorizer]

diary117

1/8-9/2024

monday - tuesday

i know why i was so tired yesterday, now.

i am sick once again, my whole body hurts and my nose is hard to breathe through and stuff, i feel like i'm always about to have a nosebleed, my throat hurts too. i love to live. i am so glad annoying cokeheads got me sick.

anyway today i was looking at old scans of fashion mags from south korea/china (probably hong kong i'd guess but no one specified) and japan (inescapable). i'll post some of my fav pics:

spur - japan - i like this last one because it gives me a fun idea for cover art, not the image itself, though it helps w/ pose ideas or whatever, but little watermark someone put up onto it. i think i need to do that w/ the photo i take of myself for the album art, have that there in pixelated text.

harper's bazaar - china

fhm - china - this one's super weird, the last image especially, hard to tell exactly what they were reaching for, the strangeness/relative uncanniness of these photos / defamiliarization of a magazine's approach to sex sells and whatever turning so genuinely weird and offputting feels artistically useful. it's so wholly gaudy and disorienting. weird stuff.

w - south korea

vogue girl - south korea - the scans of this mag are all super crazy, honestly, i didn't expect these all to be so interesting and good.

cosmopolitan - china - i can't tell if this one's text is part of the image or not but it's maybe my favorite part, how it's so ugly beside everything, the really strange gradient, too.

fruits - japan - i didn't realize this one continued through to 2007, really crazy, you only ever see the y2k stuff get passed around really. these outfits are super cute but like that one spur scan w/ the user's watermark, the watermarks here of this website are really interesting to me, i think i also want to stick some weird watermark onto the picture i take, i don't know what i'll call the fake site or whatever but i kind of want it to maybe be something ridiculous/violent in another language. i'd also probably do it in like 128x128 and upscale the text, and instead of having it be something white w/ lowered opacity, i'd try to index it so it's dithered white pixels, instead of smeary transparent text, and then upscale that.

the watermarking stuff is interesting, it's interesting that these scans of magazines that people used to create a sense of self/consume/receive what they ought to be / do are then turned into a kind of capital, at least when it's a website, to get people to refer back to the site/increase traffic, likely get people to pay money to not have to see the watermarks. it's a fun thing to play at, to me, the accumulation of basically trash information, the trading of images and their valuation. scans of magazines online are kind of like trading cards, it seems like, there's stuff uploaded on archive.org but not as much as anyone would hope, at least with this niche stuff. and there too, the safeguarding of images from being stolen, is sometimes present. i know they keep vogue locked up on there, same with a lot of books, you can't rip books out easily, i mean sometimes people do, but i don't try to do that really.

so en magazine - japan - another example of the watermarks on 2 of the 3 pics, this is what i'm imagining i'll try to approximate the above methods and stuff. also i really love how so en seems to really go in on a kind of fucked up revival of the 60s, the above range from like 07 to 2013.

re: music today, i did 2 tracks, i wanted to do more but i was getting hit like a truck by illness in the middle of the day. i think they've both turned out pretty good, maybe both need a little help w/ getting the kicks louder, but idk, my ears are maybe a bit messed up when trying to do that kinda thing. but i have to proceed. tomorrow i think i'll have to take care of this really tiny thing w/ a song, to get it right, and then maybe 2 other tracks. i am eventually gonna have to get back to my big problem track (really there are 2) but maybe by then i'll have a way better idea what i'm doing.

i am so sick, there's more i wanted to say, though. i read this pretty, frustrating, i guess, comic, tonight. someone posted it saying something like "this says a lot about being trans in north america" or whatever, and it mostly doesn't but it's interesting i guess to read something like that and think about why/how i feel alienated from ever being able to say anything stable about my own identity/gender. the frustration mostly though comes from this sense that everything's too perfect, the relations between characters are too neat and the things they know are too easy, almost, at one point a character looks at kiwifarms, and it's like, is this kind of person, because the comic is kind of working in types, the sort to so easily know about that. like, i dunno, it feels too easy, it seems like something find out about, when they're in the middle of the kind of thing that character was in the midst of, which would have been more interesting. but overall idk, there's a certain way of interfacing w/ oneself/other present in the comic, the sort of types it runs through, and stuff, it creates distance, even though i can sit there and be like, oh i know this type of person, i've met someone like that, or even just, i've seen this kind of thing from a distance. it's valuable to reflect on, because i try writing in similar directions sometimes maybe, i don't want to rely on types totally, i get why a comic would, in prose fiction it's better to get away from that but there's just stuff like that. really what i'm reflecting on, in my inability to say anything stable about myself, like, i can't say: i'm a girl, i'm a boy, i'm a man (speaking honestly, man is what i never want to be, i don't think i ever say i am one), i'm a woman (i don't really know what being one means, maybe, i'd need someone to tell me (and this throws up the whole issue of why girl/boy, that feels weird to me, i'm 25, i'm something else (but what, and like, i dunno))), without ever having to contradict it right after, i just want to be what i am without what feels like interference, but 'cis' is an interference too, i'm not cis, i know that, there's nothing else to know i think. anyway, because of that, when i write characters, the ones i'm writing as/using my personal life for, i can't really gender them, they can't gender themselves, they just are, no matter what, people stick things to them and they all let it linger, or they're troubling themselves over if they pass or not but that's something internal and particular. anyway, i guess there's a thought, where by never really saying anything outright, is that a cowardice, where i let the idea of normalcy/being normal creep in, i don't think so, i don't think i'm normal, or i don't think ultimately i help things be normal with my presence. i dunno though. i kind of hate the "some men are just feminine and are actually super normal" thing, not because it's untrue, but to say there's no complication there, and also that this isn't just a cope or whatever, is frustrating. it's frustrating because people are at once alienated from being 'trans' (a broad thing that can mean all sorts of things really) and wanting to still be seen as cis so people don't think you're weird. it's not something i hate the people that feel that way for, i hate the world that makes that desirable.

anyway, i dunno. it's basically all complex and fucked up. sometimes i think of myself in percentages but putting it to text feels like a commitment, i don't ever want to be committed to performing some percentage of gender. i really just want gender to disappear as a thing, but i also, obviously, really want to look a certain way, be seen a certain way, because of stuff that happened to me as a kid and stuff i saw and whatever, it's like necessary, i have to. no one has a gun to my head except i feel like one shows up when i'm ugly. i'm on a tightrope, i was put there, it's not my fault, a lot of people are on it too, like everybody is, it's terrible.

i think if tiqqun were writing currently on the young girl, they might be compelled to speak on trans stuff, but i think all they might say ultimately is that basically every human on earth is on hrt. they would be right. although that makes it sound like i think hrt is bad or something. or maybe not. i think hrt is good and i think about trying it sometimes, or not trying, i'd have to commit, that seems less scary than the percentages though because i could still really be whatever/nothing/everything. everyone's on hrt but they receive it via socially enforced norms/reality stamping down on you, you will conform to standards and so on and whatever. sometimes i think gender euphoria is really a negative thing, in ways, if you think about cis men and their gender euphoria, where they might get it from, being hard laborers or beating women, basically suffering and then throwing it around, things become more frightening. i experience euphoria when people stare at my ass and i want to kill them but i also want people to stare. when my gf is transfixed by me, it's really nice, but it's also scary, why do i want to be totally inert and just looked at. it makes me wretch but i can't help it, really. i need attention all the time. i'm writing about how fucked up my insides are, i'm so histrionic.

that's one thing on my mind. the other really is how much i hate being sick and how i am like a sick and withering whateverrrr. my head hurts distantly, in a threeway sort of thing, different points of penetration along my brain and stuff.

so, i should like, sleep, probably.

so:

byebye!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[davidmariottecomics]

100 Blogs (Give or Take): FIGHT!

Hello! 

Welcome to my 100th* blog! 

*Or, rather, blog week 101 over on my website. In terms of actual blogs, I'm probably more in the 70s-80s? I try to update as much as possible, of course, but some weeks things've not uploaded properly. Occasionally, I've had just too much life stuff or I haven't really had much to write about. And sometimes, on the extreme ends, I've had way too much to write about and have been overwhelmed at trying to parse out everything I needed to. Last week, when I missed the actual week 100, was somewhere inbetween those: feeling uninspired because I was so tired from both stuff in my personal life and the many many many things happening in the world at large. 

I've, unsurprisingly, still got a lot on my mind. Like 200 organizations have pledged their support for KOSA and sounds like they might not all understand exactly what they're supporting (but you can still make your voice heard on why not to let it pass, namely the continued safety and security of LGBTQ+ folks online who might otherwise get explicitly banned from the most public online spaces, or at least implicitly banned through shadowbanning--as well as all the kids that could be harmed from the inability to access information that they might actually need.).

The U.S. blocked a U.N. call for ceasefire singlehandedly, despite the rest of the security council (minus abstaining U.K. and... that was noticed, guv) being in favor and, of course the overwhelming national and international support for a ceasefire (one progressive thinktank's polling suggested around a 60% US support for ceasefire, to whatever extent those kinds of polls can be trusted, however, the feet on the ground at protests, making calls, sending emails, trying to get into Senatorial offices with ladders, etc show a pretty vocal support for one).

The website formerly known as Twitter gave me just another reason to leave with their new AI. I don't want to see anything about it because I, y'know, get that it's like dunking on the people who wanted to use it for evil and that's funny or whatever, but it's also another AI system that's almost certainly just regurgitating things actually people said and thought and made and ought to be given credit and/or money for the use of. We shouldn't be letting our guard down around an AI just because it's telling transphobes to go fuck themselves--this is still the same shit that is stealing from artists or denying people their medical coverage!

And, also mostly on Twitter because it's a bad place (and I'll remind ya now, I'm leaving by the year's end. I'll be here on the blog and you can find me on Bluesky and I have a couple spare invites if you might need one, but my Twitter's coming to an end soon and I think my Facebook/Insta aren't too far behind...) multiple dirtbag comics guys decided to make the rounds again. They've had their airtime and I have no interest in giving them a platform, but boy, they sure were around. 

Plus, y'know, all the other stuff that has just been continuing, from the continued assault on Ukraine to Covid hospitalizations and deaths going up again.

It's the end of the year and cha'boy is tired. It has been a long, long year and I'm very much looking forward to it ending for whatever that is worth and the time of relaxation I get to have around that end. And so, I wasn't really feeling like writing... but then, I saw a post on Bluesky from Marcus Jimenez asking all comics folks about crafting fight scenes. And so I wanna talk about that this week because I don't often get a chance to talk about the mechanics of comics within comics, and that can be really fun! 

Squaring Up

As someone who has written and edited a lot of fight scenes, there are a lot of different ways to go about it. As I think I've said before, in my own writing, I tend toward a little more description and full dialogue so the artist has those space considerations in mind when working from my scripts. As an editor, I've worked the "Marvel" way where pages are more plotted with with less dialogue and specific action. I've worked with folks who do more of a rough pass where they focus on the concrete smaller moments and then leave a lot of the action up to the artist. I've worked with folks who're even more prescriptive than me. And there's something to finding the right balance on all sides with all these folks--from the writer and artist meshing in terms of what sort of detail they want from each other to having complimentary colors and letters. 

But for myself, and something I have sometimes talked to creators about, one of the first things I focus on when it comes to an action or fight scene is the specific things the character(s) can do. When I think about some of my bigger fight sequences in say Transformers vs. the Terminator or Transformers Wreckers: Tread & Circuits (both available from my webstore, *hint hint*), one of the most apparent things is that I loaded them with a lot of characters doing a lot of things, so... sorry to my artists (no, I know Alex and Jack loved working on them--again, if you can, write to the artist's strengths and I happened to work with guys I knew were excited about these sorts of big scenes). But in that, there are a lot of characters with specific abilities. Generally speaking, right, in TF/Term, we've got three different types of combatants: Sarah Conner is a human, the T-800 is a Terminator, and the Transformers are Transformers. So the skills Sarah has are different from all the robots and, obviously, the Transformers have the ability to convert modes which is something unique to them as characters that can make for really exciting sequences. And even within the Transformers, there are different combat capabilities: Skywarp can teleport. Soundwave has sonic attacks. Megatron has a huge arm cannon. Optimus has an energon axe. The Seekers can fly. And characters like Velocity are medics, who she doesn't really shoot to kill, she can hold her own after millenia at war, but she's not a fighter first and doesn't wanna do terrible damage to anyone. 

To me, it's the same thing as a fight with Spider-Man. You know he's got the proportional speed, strength, and agility of a spider. You know he has web-fluid (unless he doesn't and that sort of circumstance is interesting in a fight). He can stick to things and sense danger and all the standard Spidey tricks. And if you want a scene to be engaging, you wanna know what your characters can do in it that is unique--either to other characters and stories, or within this specific scenario. Seeing Spidey use his webs or his wall-crawling or his spider-sense is more interesting on a page than him just swinging his fists (generally). These are all sort of tools in the toolbox that determine what they can do in a fight. I also think that when you combine them with the circumstances of the fight, you start to see how they'll act in a fight. Why they make the decisions they do. 

So, to use TF again, in TF/Terminator, let's talk about the set-up to the big fight that runs through issues #3 & #4. It starts out with Bumblebee and Sarah scouting out the Decepticons who are up to no good. And the instigating question is, if Bumblebee's a good scout, how does someone sneak up on him? Well, Skywarp is a teleporter. So he just appears! But he's also maybe a little dumb, so he announces himself. Bumblebee's first priority is protecting Sarah, so the best way to do that is for him to shift modes around her as a running shield. They'll go faster. If he gets hit, it'll reduce the impact on her. Etcetera. He could do other things--he could stay and fight and blast at Skywarp, but because the option is open to him to change modes and to drive away, he's going to because that's fun and it makes sense with his character. Then he tries to do some fancy driving to trick Skywarp into ramming into Megatron, but because Skywarp can teleport, hey, he gets away in perfect position to take another run at Bumblebee. But because he teleported higher to get a better position, it also left him more open to get shot by Optimus in the heroic arrival of the rest of the Autobots. The characters' abilities made a really clear picture of the sort of action that could occur with the setting and are reflective of why they act the way they do. 

Throw a Punch A lot of the action is going to flow pretty naturally, from a writing standpoint, once you've got it started. If I know who my characters are, what they can do, and the basic scenario they find themselves in, as long as I've got that in my head, I can just sort of play them off each other and see how the action goes. But there ar some other practicalities I try to take into account as I go. 

1. How many characters do I have to keep track of? Like I said, a lot of my fight scenes have been bigger. I've got groups fighting each other, with civilians to worry about. And while you don't need to show every beat of every action, you do have to keep roughly in mind how everyone is reacting and to what extent you do want to switch between POVs and protagonists. I tend to measure my beats to either pages or page turns, rather than doing too much action switching on a single page unless I'm trying to convey just how hectic things are and just how simultaneous actions are occuring. 

2. How fast is your action moving? Two things I think about a lot when I'm writing action are that a round of combat in Dungeons & Dragons is supposed to be 6 seconds, and that the coolest fight I've ever seen on film is the almost 6 minute fight scene in They Live. (6 minutes later...) I'm back! Okay, so either way, I think what both of those are very representative of are how quickly action occurs in a fight and how much of the time in a fight is the other stuff. It's the non-combat movement. It's catching your breath or setting a trap or focusing on another problem or putting sunglasses on a guy. And in comics, you have the ability to dialate time as you'd like, so each panel can be a second or a matter of seconds, with the gutters allowing time to pass out of frame. You want your action to be logical and continous, but it's okay to have other things happening in the flow, and maybe more importantly, to chose which moments have the most impact.  In D&D, 6 seconds can take like 6 minutes. And on film, you're getting so many constant frames. Comics lets you be a lot chosier in how you expand and contract the time around those moments. 

3. How text heavy is the fight? Here's the other side of things. I know that I tend to be a talker. I mean... look how long it's taken to get to this point! I like dialogue in my comics and often have characters trading verbal jabs during the action. And that takes time and space. As do sound effects. So, I try to balance my fight scenes to the essentials. Much the same as the issue of time, I'm trying to select the moments of greatest impact with what we're "hearing". The more that's being asked of an action panel, the less text I try to give it. Let the art take over. But if I can use the action as a punctuation: If Optimus or Thunderclash or whoever is giving his hero speech and can toss a punch at a baddie to make his point, I'm going to use it. And if action is the visual punctuation to dialogue in this way, SFX are the visual punctuation to the action. They're an exclamation point on what sound is important. A lot of the time, it'll be no sound. But if it'll clarify the action or if it'll enhance the mood, go for it! 

Most important to a fight scene is that *generally* they're supposed to be fun. They're moments of fantasy where a side that's in some sort of right and a side that's in some sort of wrong clash and there's a victor and we all cheer because it's entertaining to see Rowdy Roddy Piper get his ass handed to him up until the end, but when he finally gets one over on Keith David, you know it's because he was right. So while you're thinking of all this stuff, if you give in to the fun, it'll propel you through a lot of it. Now, there're obviously also moments when the fighting is supposed to be building tension or showing the horrors of violence, but I think that goes to a lot of the same mentality as we've already got. It's about making the characters respond to the situation of the fight and if their responses fall in line with that, it'll still be smooth sailing because it'll be what makes sense.

I think that's it for me for this week, but maybe in a coming week, I can do something like a mini-version of something I did on my Patreon when I did an annotated version of the Wreckers #1 script and  do sort of a practical walk-through of a new original fight scene. 

Until next time. Happy Hanukkah to those that celebrate! 

What I enjoyed this week: Blank Check (Podcast), Dungeons & Daddies (Podcast), Reverse 1999 (Video Game), Nancy (Comic), Lego Masters (TV show), Out There Screaming: An Anthology of New Black Horror (Short story collection), Factory Summers by Guy Delisle (Comic), It's Lonely at the Centre of the Earth by Zoe Thorogood (Comic), Slaughterhouse-Five (the Comic adaptation by Ryan North & Albert Monteys), being almost done with all gift shopping and wrapping 2 weeks early, Yu-Gi-Oh: Duel Links (Video Game), Dandadan (Manga), our little mall Model Train Museum, Fire & Ice: Welcome to Smallville (Comic), Blue Beetle (Comic), Birds of Prey (Comic), Christmas lights, finding a good deal on a present for myself (I found the G.I. Joe Bishoujo Scarlett statue for a mere $40 at a local secondhand store and I think she's really pretty), not getting sick even tho Becca was, and I guess The Killer (Movie). Not my favorite Fincher by a lot. We're tentatively gonna see Godzilla: Minus One tomorrow, so looking forward to that and will try to figure out seeing Boy and the Heron, Eileen, Dream Scenario, and maybe The Marvels (tho it being a Disney film makes it a tougher sell) before they're out of theaters... and maybe Priscilla... and maybe FNAF on the big screen since Becca's really into FNAF right now. Too many movies! And I love movies! 

New Releases this week (12/6/2023): Sonic the Hedgehog #67 (Editor)

New Releases next week (12/13/2023):  Sonic the Hedgehog: Winter Jam (Editor)

Announcements: Look for a kind fun thing I contributed to this week! I'll share it when it's live! 

The Cartoonist Cooperative is still doing E-Sim cards for Gaza. You can donate a digital sim card so that residents can get access to the internet and have more functional phones and, in exchange, get some comics or a drawing or whatever else is available from the many participating artists. You can also give more directly. If you don't have money, and I get it, you can call or fax or email or show up at the offices of your representatives. There are a ton of demonstrations happening this weekend and you can see if you can put your actions in on one of those!

If you aren't a Patreon backer yet, remember, it's a great gift for someone or yourself. At my $10 tier, last month, I got Becca to record an Adults-Only podcast called "Abandoning the Premise" with me. You should be able to hear a short sample at the link. And if that seems cool to you, you can get the whole episode, but a bunch of other weird stuff on my Patreon! This month's "Something Weird"s are going to be a root beer review (I bought 6 different root beers and Becca suggested I talk about what I thought of them and there'll be a little more to it that that) and hopefully posting next weekend, a Holiday Gift Guide written, chosen, and designed by me (be careful if you're a person who might get a gift from me... you might see your present in there)! 

And keep an eye out for more news soon. Really hoping to have some cool news in the new year if not before! 

Pic of the Week: So, last Wednesday, I made a trip up to the IDW Los Angeles office. Because we have a lot of people spread out, we have a couple office locations. But the LA office happened to host some friends from SEGA and, specifically, some visitors from Sonic Team! We gave them the tour, talked about the comics, gave them some to take home, all the good usual visiting stuff. But Karasuno-san, Kanemoto-san, and Hoshino-san very generously did some sketches for us before they left. So, should you get a chance to tour the IDW offices in the future, you might see this sketch page hanging on the wall. 

[kristophley]

Bitsoft360 Reviews: Features, Benefits, Uses, & Price!

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Reference Links

[socialjust-ish]

I blocked you, because it became apparent about halfway through my last reply that one of a few possibilities was happening:

Despite my repeated attempts at clarification, I was just not being clear;

Despite my repeated attempts at clarification, you were - intentionally or unintentionally - not reading or understanding what I said;

You weren't clicking the "read mores" for some reason (please don't tell me it's this one); or

Our viewpoints on this issue are so fundamentally different that a discussion is pointless.

And this post confirms that.

Third time's the charm, here.

Here are your words about what you SHOULD do:

You instead have a [OFTEN LITERALLY SEPARATE PAGE ON A WEBSITE] general discussion made available somewhere on your interface of the KINDS of vetting you do.

Because I have repeatedly, and consistently, said that this is all I want.

You are summarizing here, literally exactly what I'm asking for, and then insisting I'm asking for something else that is unethical or demonstrates my standards are so far off the norm that I don't understand what I'm asking for.

One of us is not understanding the other.

So to be crystal clear here:

What I have quoted from you, above, is EXACTLY what I was asking for, and suggesting needed to be done. And the ABSENCE of this exact thing is what makes the posts look scam-like. Again, remember that the posts I was criticizing were silent reblogs, with no link to any sort of "literally separate page on a website".

What I was criticizing is that 90-ghost's silent reblogs, which people were claiming was a vetting, failed to set this out in an easily accessible way. I was criticizing the fact that to learn what kind of processes 90-ghost uses, you had to dig through dozens of pages of their blog, and the lack of confirmation on their posts or on their homepage is what my issue was. To use your example for context. I am criticizing the lack of a "literally separate page on a website". That's it. That's all I want from the post. That's what makes it suspicious to me, because adding the "literally separate page on a website" is so extremely easy that the failure to include it raises red flags.

I have - I think at least three times now, repeatedly accepted that my statement that "sharing the video" I made in my very first post was not reasonable, and was said because I was writing the post off-the-cuff while on mobile. I've also admitted my example in that post was - because it was off the cuff - poorly worded and attempted to clarify it repeatedly. It now appears my clarifications are the exact same standard as what you say is appropriate, but you're either not reading my clarifications, or are so hyperfixated on my exact terminology you're not seeing that we are not at odds here.

Below are screenshots of my previous posts that set this out, in what I think is explicitly clear language. I am exceptionally careful to say "the type" of information, not "the actual" information. I am careful to preface it with phrases like "not the specific details and how it was validated".

I gave you examples that are almost word-for-fucking-word what you suggest here is an appropriate vetting format, as what I consider an appropriate vetting process:

I have said - probably about half a dozen times now, that I'm looking for EXACTLY what you're describing here.

So I'm really fucking confused about what you're actually taking issue with, here.

Because as far as I can tell, what you are describing as proper disclosure of vetting procedures, and what I am suggesting ought to have been done, are fucking 1:1.

My criticism was, is, and will remain that 90-ghost's silent reblogs failed to demonstrate that any vetting occurred, and that if you are asking for $1,000,000 or more, you need to have the organizational competency to make it easy for a potential donor to understand your vetting process. I am NOT asking for the specific, personal details. I'm asking for a hyperlink to a page from 90-ghost that says "If I reblog a fundraiser you can be sure that I have vetted it. I consider a fundraiser vetted if I have done [x, y, and/or z]."

@socialjust-ish

I can no longer access the post in a rebloggable way because I can no longer access your blog.

Linking the post here for continuity:

I have already specified multiple times that in aid work it would be literally and insanely unethical to publish any specific vetting information. You simply Do Not Do That.

You instead have a [OFTEN LITERALLY SEPARATE PAGE ON A WEBSITE] general discussion made available somewhere on your interface of the KINDS of vetting you do.

Ther is NO professional aid organization in the WORLD that would so cavlierly disregard this ethical violation the way you are asking Palestinian bloggers to do to [often their own family members or friends!!] those seeking aid in Palestine.

So when I say you have no idea what vetting looks like, I do not mean that you are not literally aware of the procedures. I mean that it is clear the ONLY way you have ever interacted with vetting as a process is "informal voluntary" vetting that isn't REQUIRED to maintain ethical standards and DOES often engage in deeply violating public vetting procedures.

The reason I am hyperfixating on this point is that in order for ANYTHING ELSE that I say in conversation with you to matter, we need to be clear about this fact first and foremost. I cannot explain to you why your asks are unreasonable as long as you conflate "public disclore of vetting report case studies" with "vetting being done under appropeiate ethical guidelines and verfied campaigns being "published" to the blog with a digital "stamp" of vetting verification. You know. Like literally any legitimate aid group would do.

So, to start from square one again.

Why do you, a person who apparently lacks the familiarity with the work to even know how badly you have conflated public facing case studies with the vetting process, feel it is a good idea to reblog a post of someone following appropriate guidelines to allege that the there was evidence of unreliability or potential fraud that you neither specified nor were able to prove (I notice that while you referred to having gone through the campaigns individually, at no point to you mention any actual vetting red flags, you merely identify "following appropriate ethical vetting process disclosure guidelines" AS the red flag. THIS is fundamentally part of why I am pushing you so hard on these questions and refusing to interact with what you say until we can either agree or disagree on this specific point. It is literally the foundation of our entire disagreement.

You are welcome to decide I am not a reliable source of information about this and that therefore we disagree on this premise and cannot continue to discuss it.

But I literally cannot convey my point if you still think we are in agreement about the difference between publicly confirming vetting has been done and publicly releasing a vetting procedure case study report.

[wenevergotusedtoegypt]

At the end of the month (G-d willing) I'm getting mikvehed as a reform Jew, after three years in the conversion process. But... I can't shake the feeling that I still won't be Jewish. I don't think this about the other people I'm converting with, but for me, I feel like I ought to seek Orthodox conversion, once it's an option (I don't live in an area with Orthodoxy). I, uh, don't have much of a point in saying this, except that I need to get it out of my system... (more, sorry)

Most people around me tell me I'm wrong in my thinking, and even that I should discuss it in therapy rather than seek an Orthodox conversion. But after becoming so acquainted with the Reform conversion process, I kind of can't accept that it *can* make me Jewish, even with all the rituals completed. I just, don't know? I feel very conflicted and wanted your thoughts, as someone I respect a lot online. (another one coming, sorry again)

The main issue is that I'm transgender and so wouldn't necessarily instantly find acceptance among Orthodoxim, but I find that an incredibly minute concern when more observant Judaism is clearly the future of the people. Plus, from what I've heard from LGBT Jews, it's mostly about carving out a space for yourself in a community, and I'm willing to do that. It's worth doing. But yeah, that is a hurdle. Anyway, I'm going to sign of with an emoji bc I think this will be recurring, if thats okay -❄️

So look, I’ll state up front that I’m not going to attempt to address the trans aspect of this. I have extremely limited experience with any trans-identifying individuals in the Orthodox community (much less converts specifically), so it wouldn’t be productive for me to speculate on what your experience might be like if you decided to pursue an Orthodox conversion. I’m going to respond to this as if that weren’t a factor, even though of course it is - just one that someone else would be better suited to assist you with.

I think you need to spend some time really getting to the bottom of WHY you feel like your Reform conversion isn’t enough/can’t make you Jewish, and WHY you feel like an Orthodox conversion could.

The problem with Reform conversions from an Orthodox perspective is that conversion requires the convert to fully accept all 613 mitzvos as direct from Hashem and binding, and to have their mikvah witnessed by a beis din whose members accept the same. Because the Reform movement does not consider the mitzvos to be direct from Hashem or binding (the language I once saw on a Reform movement website was something like “manmade and G-d-inspired”), a person who goes through their conversion process has not fully accepted the mitzvos as binding, and the people witnessing their mikvah haven’t either. Those prerequisites not being in place, a conversion simply hasn’t occurred. It’s nothing against the Reform movement per se, it’s just that there is a defined process for how a person becomes Jewish, and if that process isn’t followed, then the person doesn’t become Jewish.

If you believe that that is the reason a Reform conversion wouldn’t do for you what an Orthodox conversion would - that there are legitimate legal parameters for conversion that it doesn’t live up to - then that’s a good reason to look into the possibility of doing an Orthodox conversion (however, since you say you feel this way only about yourself and not other Reform converts, it seems that either this isn’t what you believe, or it is but you’ve got some cognitive dissonance to work through). But if it’s something more along the lines of feeling self-conscious that not everyone would see you as Jewish with a Reform conversion, and wanting to be seen as universally Jewish; or having a vague feeling of Orthodoxy being more authentic (without a corresponding set of concrete beliefs to back it up), then I would say that that is not a good reason to pursue an Orthodox conversion.

Hope this helps.

[jawllines]

hey bub don't forget to post the met gala fic! xoxo ur reminder anon

tHANK YOU FOR REMINDING ME :D

“Holy shit.”

Y/N had seen Harry in a lot of things -- being his best friend meant experiencing his wardrobe, including but not limited to getting pictures of outfits laid out for something with question marks for her opinion, entering expensive boutiques with eyes averting from price tags in attempt not to panic, marveling as she walks through his closet to see pieces he’d purchased unbeknownst to her (plucking a few things from his drawers), and sending him links to things she think he ought to like just to see him in a photo online in it a week or so later. Despite how familiar she was with his taste in fashion and what he looks like in items of different colors, cuts, and fabrics, she is still often blown away with what he could conjure up. There was just something so. . .alluring, about the way in which he wore things with confidence without oozing any sort of cockiness that might turn someone off from him.

So when he’d invited her to come with him to New York for the Met Gala (in which she would not be attending, given she didn’t have thirty grand lying around to spend, but she got to sleep in a fancy hotel and eat like a King for a few days so she was happy), she’d been more than ecstatic. Was keen on seeing his outfits, hearing what he would do, what he’d have to say, and hope that he explain to her what even happens at the Met Gala apart from the red carpet. Even had fun with his impromptu ear piercing that she helped with (she’s got steadier hands than him). Her plan was simple -- to enjoy the luxuries of being rich without actually having to be rich, dawning one of the expensive hotel robes, slipping her feet into slippers and watch a livestream of the carpet while simultaneously pretending she would be willing to spend more than twenty dollars on a top as she scrolled through various clothing websites. Maybe take a bath or something and wait for him to come back, wondering what food they served at those kinds of events, if Harry would even like it, and if she should order room service (to which she would pay him back for even if it meant sliding money into his wallet when he wasn’t looking) and get him something in case he didn’t.

Though as the night continued on, picture after picture being released, videos and live streams from the event, everything seems so exciting and entertaining, she began to feel a small pit of. . .of something in her chest. She couldn’t quite tell what it was -- she was so proud of him and so happy to see him happy, that her cheeks could burst with a smile from it, but her heart weighs heavy. Harry makes good to rarely seem like he’s famous. Apart from the occasional fan picture or paparazzi hoard, he’s just normal Harry, who snores way too loud, has awful gas after eating jambalaya, picks off people’s plates without so much as a question to, and cannot sit still or keep quiet through a movie if he wasn’t interested in the subject matter. He was the Harry that shoved his head under her hand as his formal request for her to play with his hair and gave her drunken, emotional kisses because he’s “never felt so close t’a someone before”, and would rather sleep on her dingy old couch in her worn down flat than sleep in his multi-million dollar home if it meant that he didn’t have to be alone.

This Harry though -- famous Harry -- appeared to be completely in his element. Floating down the pink carpet with the man responsible for all things Gucci, dancing to Cher, mingling with celebrities, hosting the fucking event. It was like a whole different world he was apart of; one of glamour and opulence that she could only ever dream of. At that moment, for the first time, she’d felt as if she’d been holding Harry back somehow. She’s more than aware that she does not have that kind of power to do it on her own, but what about what he does for her? The nights that she wants him to come over, is he turning down plans with someone who might be more beneficial to his career? Or with someone who has much better, more interesting stories than what her professor tried to pull in her lecture? Maybe he was passing on drinks with stylists and people of greater importance because he’s far too loyal to pass on a romantic comedy movie night with her?

He deserved all good things; nothing but great, wonderful things and she feels endlessly guilty that she is unable to cater to that side of him.

That’s why when he returns a little earlier than he had expected, showing off the second garment he had changed into, his eyes wide and bright, “Get dressed, you’re comin’ with me to an after party!” He chirps after bursting through the door, walking towards the closet without a second thought and swinging the door open to reveal what she had presumed was a bag for one of his suits. Instead he pulls it from the closet, tosses it onto the mattress that she was sprawled on and points his finger at it, “Loads of people I wan’ you t’a meet, yeah?”

Her heart kicks up in her chest, not only because he is even more ethereal in person, nor was it just the fact that he had literally scared her phone out of her hand when he’d plowed in through the door, but because what in the hell? People he wants her to meet? At a met gala after party? Is she even allowed at those?

“Am  I even allowed at those?” She mirrors her confusion and he shrugs his shoulders.

“Don’t see why not; m’the co-chair, so I think I get a bit of leeway with a thing or two,” he pulls the zipper open to the bag, uncovering a beautiful glittery, chain detailed silver slip dress that she only distantly remembers stroking her fingers against on the mannequin, checked the price tag, and pretend it didn’t happen. Y/N couldn’t believe he’d remembered it let alone purchased the damn thing and now it was just sat on the mattress, waiting for her to put it on, “If anything everyone will suspect your just some smarmy socialite who doesn’t a hundred percent what Camp is and that’s’ okay. Hurry on then, I don’ want them to have too much fun without me.”

Her eyes were wide, “Holy shit,” sbe begins, placing her fingers to her temples, “Holy shit, Harry,” she shakes her head, “I can’t go! I’m not even -- I don’t even -- I took like a half assed shower at best!”

“And you look marvelous, Darling,” he took the liberty of withdrawing the dress from the bag, thrusting it out towards her with his fist around the sleek dark wood of the hanger, “I’ve been gushing about ya all night, and y’know I hate to be made a liar.” He motions towards the piece in his hand, brows furrowed as he becomes impatient, “S’been like two months since I bought this so if y’don’t like it anymore then --”

“Shut up, you know I love it,” she takes it from him, trying to ignore the way her heart swells when his mouth pulls up in a big, triumphant smile, “But it was at least one month’s rent, you’re asking me to go to a party with a ton of famous people and that’s something that I need to like prepare for mentally weeks beforehand.”

As soon as she’s got the dress in hand, he takes her by the shoulders and guides her towards the bathroom, “Yeah, yeah, Lovie, listen -- they’re all jus’ like me, yeah? Normal, dressed a bit fancy,” he squeezes her where his hands lay, “Loud as all get out, just like a good chat, will absolutely adore you if you get your arse ready in the next twenty or so minutes.”

He’d managed to close her in the bathroom, leaving Y/N to stare into the large floor to ceiling mirror illuminating every flaw she could’ve possibly thought to have all at once. She looks disheveled -- like someone who had only been planning on lounging around on a hotel bed and living simultaneously through Met Gala Twitter. Not somebody who was meant to get ready in twenty minutes. However, somehow Harry was incredibly persuasive without even having to be persuasive and she was sliding the robe from her shoulders, letting it pool to the floor.

She could get ready in twenty minutes -- she’s had worse time constraints in the past.

                                                                .                                    .                                       .

Y/N’s head is spinning.

Too much had happened in such a short amount of time; she’d met more people than she would have thought to be imaginable in a night than she’d ever met in her entire life. People of such fame and opulence she was certain that they would never cross paths, no matter the fact that she’s Harry’s right hand for most things. However, she realizes tonight as she’s mingling and meeting these people Harry has known for a long while and had never let the situation arise in which Y/N would meet them. Harry kept his personal life separate from his public life and if he could, she realizes, he kept her personal to him which simultaneously made her heart soften and ache all in the same.

She doesn’t think it would hurt too bad, until she had fluttered around the room with him and he had left her to her own devices for a moment so he could get them both something to drink. That’s when someone had turned to her (she wishes she could remember their name but after meeting so many people in a night, most of them escaped her) and said with a look of bewilderment on their face, “So you guys have been friends for how long? You seem so close, I wonder why he hasn’t really mentioned you before.”

It’s not like she expected him to be speaking on her twenty four seven, that definitely wasn’t the case! However, she talks about him a healthy amount to her other friends, and not even in a way where he’s Harry Styles -- again, just the boy who gets drooly when his face is smushed up against a shoulder -- they know that he’s around and is aware of his presence and their friendship. It makes her wonder if he’s ashamed of her or something. . .was being friends with a college student considered unclassy? Would it be better if she was some socialite who had infiltrated the world of celebrities and shared all their gossip at the first breath of their names? Because those are the friends of his that these people know about.

But he had brought her tonight, so that meant something didn’t it? It had to have, right? Was this a test to see how she would do in a situation where she was placed amongst people of such high regard? Or did he just feel guilty for inviting her then leaving? Or was he just riding off the high of the night and was making hasty decisions that he otherwise wouldn’t dream of?

There’s too many possibilities, it makes her head spin, more so than the apple flavored vodka she’d been sipping on. She needed to get out of her head -- she knows she does -- but it feels impossible when she so clearly doesn’t belong. And without Harry at her side, she felt even more misplaced than she had to begin with. The judging glances from people who couldn’t seem to decipher why she was there, why she was silent unless spoken to, and why it appeared like she wanted to jump from her skin. She had never been more uncomfortable in her life, and she decides then that maybe Harry keeping her away from this was best.

When she’d sought him out to tell him she was going to head home -- make up some excuse about a migraine or something -- she sees him speaking with Kendall, which only seems to further the wrench in her heart. All those teenage glimmers of hope that she could be his right hand are squashed because she’d only proven tonight that she couldn’t handle this side and this was such a large part of him. Not the only part, but big enough that she could understand if he didn’t want to bother trying to acclimate her to it. Why would he want to be with someone who he couldn’t bring to events without them starting to doubt themselves? And why the hell is she even thinking about being with him right now?

She retreats to the bathroom -- just for a little space, at the very least, to calm her down. Tears threaten to crawl up her eyes but she won’t let them. God! Why is she being so melodramatic? What’s her deal all of the sudden? She’s about three minutes from kicking her own ass -- surrounded by celebrities and idols she’s had for years, just to go to the restroom and sit still on the toilet long after she finished peeing? Just because she plummeted herself into her feelings about a boy? It’s like some twisted form of movie high school prom that she’d never, ever wanted to encounter.

Y/N isn’t sure how long she’d been sat there, until her phone dings a bright noise and startles her from whatever reverie she’d thrown herself into. She’s surprised to see Harry’s contact be what she sees, considering she didn’t even think he had pockets to keep his phone, so she swipes right on it quickly.

Where are you? Is everything okay?

And then the bastard had to be so damn sweet! Why should he care if she’s okay? He’d just hosted the damn Met Gala for Christ sake, she should be the last thing on his mind.

She feels her eyes well; here she was in the bathroom, feeling sorry for herself when it was Harry’s night. How could she run off to the hotel? She was here to support him and praise him because tonight is about him and she almost feels selfish for letting her emotions have her feeling like it was even remotely about her.

Deciding to no longer feel sorry for herself, she answers him back letting him know she was in the bathroom, stands up, finally wipes like she should have about ten minutes ago, and goes to wash her hands. She looks at herself in the mirror, very seriously tells herself to buck the hell up only to jump some when she realizes that Katy Perry is beside her in a burger costume. She nods politely, pulls a paper towel from the dispenser and pushes her way out to see Harry was standing and waiting for her, a dopey smile on his stupidly cute face.

“Are ya havin’ fun?”

Y/N musters her best smile and nods, “Loads,” she responds, “Are you?”

He nods enthusiastically, reaching out for her arm and giving her a small tug, “C’mon then, ‘ve been DJ-ing with Mark and I want you to have a go.”

                                                        .                               .                             .

By the end of the night it is very well apparent that celebrities party like college students. After the first afterparty he had taken her to, they went to a smaller one that he co-hosted, and it was a bit slower paced. Y/N felt more comfortable there at the very least -- maybe too comfortable, because several times she caught herself slowly fading to sleep, only brought back to full alertness when the coolness of her glass is pressed against her thigh. She’d done her fair share of mingling here too and met a handful of people that made her mouth dry, but by the time the sun started to rise in the sky, she was curled up on a couch and scrolling through her phone absently, waiting for Harry’s cue that they could go back to the hotel. He’d come to check on her a few times, asking if she wanted to meet someone (she would say yes), or if she just needed company but she urged him several times to go have fun (“You and I will be together for the next few days anyway, y’might as well enjoy your time without me hovering,” she had told him to which he replied with a pout of, “But I like when you hover.” that made her heart flutter more than it should have).

She was in the weird state of drunk-ish but slowly sobering; the last shot she had was an hour or so ago but she still felt buzzy and light. Still drunk enough to think that considering trekking downstairs and hitching a taxi by herself when she wasn’t all too sure of where their hotel was, might be a good idea -- but of sound enough mind to recognize that her feet ached too much to even think about trekking anywhere.

Around 7-ish, a gentle hand lies on her shoulder and nearly has her spring from her skin. Harry’s soft, low, sleepy chuckle is her first indication that it’s him before she turns around and sees his bow is a bit askew, his hair has been tousled and combed through to high heavens, and his eyes were puffy and red from his own weariness. “Jumpy,” he’d murmured, and she could tell he had sobered up considerably and was probably far soberer than she was, as he holds his hand out for her to take, helping her rise and leaning over to grab the heels she had kicked off and lied beside the couch, “Y’should’ve told me you were tired. Would’ve gotten you back to the hotel.”

“And what, miss out on some rich hot shot celebrity falling in love with my drunken sleeping form?” She stood, wincing and pouting, taking her heels from his fingers and sliding them back onto her foot, “Speaking of, m’pretty sure Taron Egerton is bringing me home actually, so I’ll send for my things.”

He furrows his brows at her and waves her along, “Yeah, yeah, and Alessandro is signing Gucci over to me -- c’mon now.”

“That’s actually not so unbelievable,” she replies.

The ride home, Y/N demands Harry work through his jaded brain to tell her about his entire night. She hypes him up even after the fact, reveling in his stories with him, all the new people he meant, how invigorating it was to be hosting the very first Met Gala that he attended, how freeing it was to have his nipples out at an event of this high stature, and how much fun he’d had even afterward. Though he still shies from her praise, blushing a pretty pink when she tells him he’s a legend and, “You’re literally doing such great things at such a young point in your solo career, m’surprised you aren’t floating from ego bloat,” makes him shake his head through a laugh.

She had thought she had made a brilliant recovery from her previous, mid-party panic, and was actually patting herself on the back for having it go unnoticed by him (because he notices absolutely everything; people could call Harry a lot of things, but one of them wasn’t dense). This is why she was so blindsided by how he approaches her when she’d plopped down on the hotel bed, kicking the heels off once again and flopping back against the mattress.

“So are you going to tell me what had you bent out of shape earlier?”

Y/N’s brows furrowed, heart sinking to her stomach, “Hm?” She plays dumb but he gives her that look -- that “don’t for a second think that you can trick me” look that almost makes her visibly shudder.

“You know what I mean,” he responds, “Y’think I don’t notice when you’re gone quiet? Or when you disappear for twenty minutes? Did someone say something to you?”

She opens her mouth to deny it but he shoots her that look again and she crumbles beneath it, shaking her head, “It was nothing,” she tells him, “I just got in my head, is all but it doesn’t matter and m’fine, so everything is good.”

“Don’t say you’re feelings don’t matter, because they do,” he responds almost immediately, peeling himself from his outfit and revealing the creamy smooth skin beneath -- Y/N has to tear her eyes from his torso so that she’s listening -- “Tell me what was wrong.”

“You’re awful demanding,” she grumbles, reaching up to take her earrings out, “It was just new and weird; I was surrounded by people I only ever see on a screen and then there were some people that just -- I just realized I didn’t really fit in, and I got in my head, but I got over it.”

His brows furrow, crawling up onto the bed, “Why didn’t you say anything to me?”

“Because it was your night idiot!” She all but snaps at him, not out of anger with him, but from pure frustration with herself, “I wasn’t going to hold you back because I felt weird. That wouldn’t be fair to you, n’I just -- I’m not apart of that world and it was very apparent and I just realized that I could be holding you back from something better when you’re hanging out with me or even that you have to take me places with you ‘cos you feel guilty. And if. . .and someone just -- I said we were best friends and they made a face and I -- it just feels weird. . .I felt weird.” Pushing the heels of her palms to her eyes, she shakes her head, “But it doesn’t matter, stop prying, me head hurts enough and I’m not letting this ruin how amazing tonight was.”

Harry’s fingers are gentle as they loop around her wrist, pulling it at it delicately so he could draw her hands from her face, “Okay,” he murmurs gently, “Okay, okay, I’ll stop, I just --” he pauses for a moment, like he’s trying to pluck the right words from his brain, “You’re so important t’me, y’know that? Right important and I wanted to bring you with me t’night, because I wanted to experience this amazing night with you.” His thumb carefully caresses her skin, and she can feel his eyes boring into her though she doesn’t look up at him, “Y’don’t have to be apart of that world, yeah? I like that you aren’t ‘cos -- well, as selfish as it is, I just want you all to myself. You’re my person. And don’t ever think you’re holding me back, Lovie, if I wanted to hang out with a ton of snobby rich celebrities all day then I would.” He leans in, pushing a kiss to her forehead, “I love you Dummy.”

Her heart pulls in her chest, “I love you more,” she murmurs.

They finish getting ready for bed (despite it being close to 9AM) and Y/N returns from the bathroom to see that Harry had planted himself on her mattress opposed to his own, snuggled up beneath her covers with only his eyes peeking out at her, “Get in,” his words are muffled by the blankets and Y/N rolls her eyes, climbing up into bed beside him. He wriggles his way over to her almost instantly, lying his head against her chest and sighing contentedly as his eyes flutter shut.

“You looked really hot t’night,” she murmurs idly as she combs her fingers through his hair and he hums, nestling closer to her, “Especially in the first outfit. You’re lucky I didn’t jump your bones.”

Harry laugh comes as a soft puff through his nose.

“You should’ve.” He responded.

Y/N stays up for an hour after thinking about it.