#i don't like to talk with people on tw bc they clearly don't understand this show at all

[hyohaehyuk]

I think a lot of people are not understanding one thing about this show: Louis have an eating disorder caused by his rejections of being a vampire and a queer man. Eating animals and rejecting eating humans is not a normal diet for vampires and is not the same as veganism/vegetarianism like i have seen some keep saying. In the AR' vampire universe is not just the blood but also the hunt and the memories they get from the victims that get them healthy. Even the way Louis eats in present days is weird af (even tho is consumes more human blood provided by his unethically farm) bc he is forcing himself to eat human food too (the whole thing is weird af. watch it again now with the image of him having a eating disorder in mind and you will see what i am saying)

Everything Lestat was doing (especially between ep 2/3) was trying to make Louis eat properly but all his desperate attempts was just pushing Louis away. The reason he brought Antoinette to their house was to recreate their 1st time with Miss Lily (bc if it worked 1 time surely it work another🤦). I think he was hoping that Louis would feed out of Antoinette and maybe even kill her. Same reason (besides the pride and bad communication) of why he opened their relationship. He was hoping that while he was hooking-up with someone he would feed from it but instead Louis chose someone who it had story (maybe to piss Lestat. I think this will be revised in season 3 bc i remember seeing on twitter that Lestat was next to Antoinette but once he he sees Louis talking with Jonah he is in another place far from her). He was already mad that Louis eating disorder was taking a tool on their relationship (which is why he start cheating 💀) but suddenly Louis was in the mood for some sex with someone else and on top of it Lestat also had to watch him hurting dogs (which maybe we will see in season 3 that human lestat loves dogs) instead of feeding on his hook-up human being.

The saddest thing is that there is nothing Lestat could have done to help (if you watched the last season of heartstopper Nick was dealing with a similar situation with Charlie and everyone's attempting to help him was actually making it worse). Things would only start getting better if the person admit to themselves and others they have a problem and seek for professional help which unfortunately for Louis was a thing that didn't exist at the time. Thankfully Louis at the end of season 2 finally accepted himself so on season 3 we will see a completely new Louis and i don't think Lestat will be ready for that Louis 🤭. Tho I hope Louis is not automatically cured in season 3. I think he will still mess it up occasionally until he gets cured for real.

Anyway, i hope they revise this (and a few other things) in season 3 bc it seems that a lot of people still dont get it. There is a chance of them doing that bc depressed Lestat was also feeding out of rats just like Louis was and maybe they could touch on this when doing connections with Nicky depression. i think we will see a lot of connections related how Lestat dealt with Louis and Claudia bc of his relationship with Nicky and his family, particularly his mother. Since Daniel works like the public voice maybe he will be the one doing those connections especially now that Daniel is a vampire and knows more about how it works.

i do think loustat in the show are monogamous, however given the nature of the vampirism they still have to seduce their victims to feed so i can see them hooking up with the victims before killing them but that dont make them non-monogamous in my eyes bc that would involve them actually having feelings for others.

And no, i dont think Louis was in love with Armand (he was attracted at most. i will not go much in depth into their relationship bc i don't want loum*nd shippers annoying the shit out of me. the only thing i am gonna say is that their relationship was all about Lestat: it started bc of him, continued after Paris bc of him and ended bc of him) and Lestat with Antoinette (she was more like his therapist so he could vent about Louis and Claudia. if he had love her he would have told her she could had attached any human' finger to hers after he made her cut her finger. He only keep her 1st bc she was giving him the devotion Louis was refusing to, 2nd bc it still made Louis' jealous which casually he would show it and then bc he needed her to spy on Louis and Claudia. if you guys noticed Louis was quite undecided in going forward Claudia plan of killing Lestat, until he brought Antoinette. It was then (especially when petty Lestat call her "love") when he made up his mind. That was Lestat worst mistake that night bc he knew about their plan and was trying to make Louis not going through it but then does that 🤦)

louis and lestat wouldn’t even hesitate to walk out into the sun if the other ceased to exist and people think they would ever consider polyamory. it’s just not realistic. they invented monogamy and the soul being irrevocably tied to one other soul for eternity and beyond

[touchlikethesun]

TW: sa. Hi! I hope it's okay to talk about it but about your tags in that post about SVSSS and SA being a recurring theme, I agree with a lot of it. I would say that even Bingge can be argued to be have some trauma since his first time was coerced. Someone pointed out Bingge could've become hypersexual as a result of that trauma and that it made me see the whole harem thing in a new light (but it doesn't make him innocent since he forced himself on a bunch of wives). It really is such a recurring theme it's hinted for Shen Jiu and for Su Xiyan and Binghe with the Old Palace Master. Su Xiyan's story is even the catalyst for Binghe's tragic backstory... You made a very good observation OP!

hey anon, yeah it's alright to talk about! i do appreciate you including a tw, but this is a topic i find really interesting, i actually opened my laptop back up to answer you lol

as for luo bingge, i didn't get into it in my tags bc… lowkey didn't expect ppl to read them lol (ty for doing so tho xx) and also he's quite a complicated case. we obviously can't say for certain since we see so little of him and what we do know is told to us thru multiple layers of unreliable narration, but i do think there is enough to suggest many of luo bingge's early sexual experiences were probably coerced or non-consensual, leading to trauma-induced hypersexual behavior. (edit: i am adding this parenthetical a few hours later after writing the rest of this and i didn't know how to fit it in otherwise so apologies, but i think it's worth pointing out that luo binghe - both bingmei and bingge, so i think we can consider it to be a core trait - do naturally have a much higher libido than most people. with bingmei we see how this causes issues for him in his relationship with shen qingqiu, but it's managed with kindness because sqq loves him and is patient enough to teach him boundaries and managed by binghe himself who loves and doesn't want to hurt sqq and who has been taught consent and respect from a younger age. when it comes to bingge, who lacks the sort of safe space provided by sqq and has no education in the matter, i think it's easy to see how he would have a much harder time understanding and managing his libido - again it isn't an excuse for SA, but this is just another convention of the genre that were it to be realised has horrible implications and consequences.)

but also, luo bingge lives in a world where healthy consensual sexual dynamics are so rarely modeled for him (the aforementioned coercive sex, but also constantly being gifted wives by other men, and the normalisation of rape in a world with sex pollen (sorry ik i already said that but like really it is so incredibly fucked up if you think about the implications of sex pollen in a real world)), and where he is being taught that the only way to be safe is to have physical power over others - of course we the reader know this is because it's being written as a venting male fantasy revenge story with a target audience of incels, but concretely this is bad for luo bingge's psyche, and you know, also leads him to do horrible things in retaliation and hurt and innombrable amount of people

and again, i don't know how much of this was really intentional on mxtx's part and how much i am reading into it, but svsss is about making one-dimensional smut novel characters into fully realised people and extrapolating out the implications for what it would mean for that world to be a real one. like, shanq qinghua and especially shen qingqiu have to learn that the people they live with are not as simple as they might have appeared on the screen of the webnovel. and part of the extrapolating, from my read of svsss, involves interrogating the ways characters have and have had their agency infringed upon in the original pidw and finding ways to return their agency to them in svsss. this is perhaps most clearly seen in the way all the "wife" characters in svsss are allowed to be their own people separate from binghe, with different passions and drives and again, agency to direct their own lives, contrary to sqq's expectations of them. however this also involves bringing to light just how pervasive and damaging the sexual violence in the original story really is, by showing the abuse that su xiyan suffered, by showing how binghe is negatively affected by xin mo and the other coercive elements of this world, by subverting expectations with shen jiu and showing how he was also a victim, and by making the only truly irredeemably evil character the old palace master, a disgusting old pervert and sexual harasser.

anyways yeah i think it's a really interesting aspect of svsss, and while i can understand why it might not be at the forefront of everyone's mind (good lord is it a BUMMER to think about), it would be a disservice to the narrative to forget it entirely.

[schtrawberry]

personal astrology observations

[!] this is mostly an introspective view into my chart; in no way, shape, or form am i saying that any of this is fact or set in stone, nor am i saying that i am a professional astrologer. these are just presences that exist within my chart that i've felt manifest themselves in real life. simply put, take what resonates and leave what doesn't :)

— sun in hard aspect to neptune can indicate having an (extremely) clouded view of oneself to the point of there being a huge gap in the way they think they're presenting themselves to the world to how they're actually perceived and viewed by other people.

[i have this aspect in square and i've noticed that people perceive me as more than i truly am (more financially-abundant, skilled, smarter than i actually am, etc.) and just make incorrect assumptions about my personality and who i am, in general. i feel that this might be due to the clouded nature of neptune versus the outward nature of the sun which has led to a social manifestation of the unclearness of my inner self and the way i display myself to the world, if that makes sense.]

═ another thing, i don't think people talk enough about how strongly neptune manifests itself in this placement, even among individuals with very little neptunian energy in their charts. daydreaming and just being not fully there plays a large part in who i am, and not even in a cute dumb blonde kinda way, more in an absentminded, head-in-the-clouds kinda way.

☰ sun in the tenth house 🤝🏽 being/wanting to be on a reality tv show!

[i swear as someone w this placement, i often find myself genuinely feeling like yes, if given the chance to do love island/too hot to handle/twenty-somethings/the bachelor— i 100% would.]

☱ mercury in hard aspect to neptune can indicate having a beautiful way w words but also not being able to explain things clearly?? can also manifest itself in just literally being difficult to understand at times, either due to the volume of their voice, way of speaking, or choice of words.

☲ moon opposition mars can exhibit deep emotional turmoil and not being able to handle one's emotions in a calm manner. i find that this manifests itself in the occasional emotional outburst (whether it's more crying or anger or both probably depends on both the moon and mars sign) but yeah— turmoil.

[i have personally experienced multiple events throughout my life where i've gone through public (embarassing, ik) emotional outbursts during stressful situations. luckily, my moon is in cancer so i'm more just a ball of tears, but this has been something that i'm still struggling to control, even as a twenty-one yr old]

☴ having a heavily-aspected chiron (multiple major aspects to personal planets, asc, and mc) and feeling rejected by your family and peers. chiron is the asteroid of wounds, hence a heavy presence in one's chart can indicate multiple emotional wounds involving one's parents, the same/opposite gender, along with inner and outer turmoil.

[tw: mention of suicidal thoughts i have chiron aspecting my sun, moon, venus, mars, and mc (most of them being hard aspects), and have felt suicidal for most of my life. i've never really fit in anywhere and have always been at odds with both the masculine and feminine energies in my life. if you have this placement as well, i genuinely hope you're doing well bc this energy is hard to cope w sometimes.]

[`] film: 千禧曼波 millenium mambo (2001) dir. hou hsiao hsien

next

[ploxpoke]

Izana X fem!reader

Tw- Smoking, mentions of violence, bad words (lmao)

Fluff with Izana bc I love him <3

Title: ♥ Out Of My League ♥

Izana was in your grade, and despite the two of you being in vastly differing social circles, Izana was interested in you. He’d been watching you for a while now, but he knew better than to approach you head on. He didn’t know what made you attractive to him but all he wanted was your attention. He wanted to make sure you were safe, comfortable, and protected. 

One day Izana saw you walk up to the roof, presumably to eat lunch. He followed you up and he watched you sit down and begin to eat your lunch and took this as an opportunity to talk to you. He walked towards you, his face fixed into a cold and calculating expression. He looks down at you and asks “Who are you?”

You were shocked by his sudden appearance and felt your heart skip a beat. You turned around slowly and looked at him with wide eyes. Your cheeks were flushed from both embarrassment and surprise and you  hesitated before answering 

“I-I'm Y/n”

 You say quietly, trying not to sound too timid. You  glanced back towards your food before speaking again

“And uh- I came here to eat my lunch today, since it's pretty empty up here and all... “

You pause for a second before you  feel a pang of guilt, you were probably bothering him you told yourself.

 “Do you eat here? Am I in the way?”

 You  asked while looking up at him nervously, wondering if he would react negatively to your presence. “I'm sorry- I can just leave if you'd like.” You quickly stand up, about to leave. You feel a sense of dread and you  hope he's not too mad at you. “I'm sorry-”

 Izana raises an eyebrow at your response, clearly surprised by your reaction to his presence, but he maintains his cold demeanor nonetheless.  He leans against the wall beside you, crossing one leg over the other as he observes you carefully. His eyes narrow slightly, taking note of your nervous behavior and the fact that you seemed to be struggling with whether or not you should stay.

“You’re not in the way,Y/n. You can stay here if you want to, I don’t mind.” He says simply, causing your heart to flutter “So, why do you come up here to eat alone?”

You  felt a surge of relief upon hearing him say that you could stay, but then you noticed how his tone had changed and he asked you why you were alone. You froze for a second, unsure of how to answer him. 

You didn't want to seem rude or disrespectful, but at the same time, you didn't want to give him an honest answer, since the truth was that you were ruthlessly bullied. “Uh... I don't really have many friends, so I thought it would be better to be alone. I like the quiet mostly”  You said quietly, not meeting his gaze and keeping your eyes glued to the ground. You had  tried to keep your answer short and sweet, hoping that he wouldn't pry more into your personal life and prayed he'd leave you alone instead of messing with you.

You felt some guilt for not telling the whole truth but you couldn’t bring yourself to.

Despite saying that, you still  hoped that he wouldn't think you were some kind of loser or something, even if you  were to most people, because you really did  like him and he was quite popular with the girls at school.

Izana listened intently to your response, his expression remaining impassive, but internally, he couldn't help but feel a sense of pity for you. He had always been fascinated by those weaker than him, and now that he had identified you as someone who needed protection, he found himself drawn to you even more.

However, he knew that he couldn't let anyone see this vulnerability, especially not someone like you.

“Fine, I understand, Y/n.”  He said softly, still maintaining his cold exterior but somehow making it sound more gentle at the same time.

He reached into his pocket and pulled out a pack of cigarettes, offering you one without actually asking if you wanted one. “Would you mind lighting mine for me?”

You were taken aback by his request, feeling your cheeks turn bright red from both shock and embarrassment. You’d never smoked a cigarette before nor did you plan to, but despite that, you agreed to light his cigarette for him.

“Uhm- sure, I guess I can” 

  You lit his cigarette, your hands shaking slightly as you did so having never used a lighter.

You don't exactly like smoking, but you don't say anything about it. you can smell the smoke and your face scrunches a little from the smell. You  keep your eyes focused on the ground and you try to ignore the fact that you hate the smell of smoke

Izana watched you closely as you lit his cigarette, noticing your discomfort with the scent of the cigarette smoke, but he maintained his cold exterior. He took a deep drag from the cigarette, exhaling slowly, causing the smoke to swirl around him. He then leaned forward slightly, reaching out with his free hand to take yours, pulling you closer to him and placing the cigarette between your lips.

He wrapped his arms around you, pulling you tightly against him while whispering into your ear

“Take a deep breath, Y/n.. Inhale deeply.” He commanded, his voice low and firm, but also strangely gentle at the same time.

Your heart raced as you felt his strong embrace and you took a deep breath, inhaling the cigarette smoke that fills your lungs. You coughed slightly, trying to hide your discomfort and you looked up at him through your lashes, but still not daring to look into his eyes. You quickly look back down, not wanting him to notice you staring at him. 

Your cheeks were flushed and your eyes were wide, but your body relaxed slightly against his as he held you close. The scent of the cigarette filled your nose and made you slightly nauseous, but you didn't complain. You feel a slight burn in the back of your throat and you hate the sensation.

 You coughed a little more and the taste of tobacco and smoke was stuck in your mouth and you hated it but you didn't dare say a word about it. You never wanted this moment to end.

The cigarette smoke mixed with the scent of his cologne and you breathed it in deeply, savoring every moment of being close to him, even though you knew you shouldn't. You tried to focus on everything but the disgusting smell and taste of the cigarette. You can't bring yourself to look at him but you can feel him staring at you.

Izana watched you closely as you took a deep breath, taking note of your discomfort with the cigarette smoke. He saw your hesitation and decided to pull the cigarette away from your lips, putting it out on the roof of the building before he placed it back in his pocket.

  He then wrapped his arms around you even more tightly, pulling you against his chest and resting his chin on top of your head.”You don't like it, do you?” He asked softly, his voice full of concern. 

Despite his dominating nature, he genuinely cared about your comfort and well-being. His arms tightened around you, squeezing you reassuringly as he whispered into your ear. “It's alright if you don't like it.”

He could tell you were worried about something and he murmured to you, his voice honey sweet, “Don't worry, y/n. You're safe here with me.”  His tone was low and soothing, but also possessive, as if he was claiming you as his own.

You nodded against his chest, not looking at him, but feeling his strong arms around you and his warmth. You could feel the heat radiating off of his body and it made you feel safe, despite the fact that he was a stranger to you. 

You  couldn’t bring yourself to care that you didn’t know him that well, you just felt protected. You felt his lips near your ear and you turned your head slightly, wanting to look at him but something in your mind told you you didn’t deserve to so you don't and instead you stare at the ground

“Yeah... I really don't like it.” You whispered back, not meeting his gaze. You felt his chin on your head and smiled slightly. You could tell he was smiling but you still don’t look up at him.

“The taste is gross and the smell makes me want to throw up... reminds me of things I don't want to remember like...-”

You trailed off, not finishing your sentence. You shudder a little and you open your mouth to say something else when you hear people walking up the stairs to the roof. You realize that it's people you usually see Izana with. Other  students say they're all in a gang, and you hold your breath for a second nervously. You know those people, and they're not the nicest. You always tended to believe that at least some of them were in gangs. 

Izana heard the footsteps approaching and immediately recognized the sound of his friends, the members of the Tenjiku gang. He tightened his arms around you slightly, pulling you even closer to him as he glanced over his shoulder towards the source of the noise.He spoke softly into your ear

 “Don't worry, Y/n”.. They won't bother us right now.”

 He said reassuringly, even though he knew that wasn't entirely true. His friends often came to the rooftop to hang out with him, and occasionally they would get rowdy and start fighting or arguing with each other. But for now, he wanted to keep you safe from their prying eyes and judgmental gazes. 

"Well, they won't bother you... maybe each other but I won't let them bother you…”

You listened to his words and felt a sudden surge of relief. You didn't know why, but the thought of his friends seeing you with him, especially since he’d never really spoken to you before made you feel extremely uncomfortable.

You didn't understand why, but your gut told you to be wary of him and you couldn't help but listen to it. As the footsteps grew closer, you  held your breath and felt his arms tighten around you. You knew he was protecting you, but there was something in his demeanor that told you that he wouldn't let anything bad happen to you. 

You hide your face, not wanting anyone to see you at all anymore. You  knew the people weren't going to leave and you knew Izana wouldn't let you leave so you did your best to avoid eye contact and kept your eyes on the ground

The footsteps stopped and you heard voices, and you  recognized two of them as people you’ve seen Izana talking to quite often. you know who they are, Rindou and Ran Haitani . 

The two brothers were calling out for Izana, and when they saw him, they didn't notice you at first. Several other boys joined them before they realized you were even there. Izana kept his grip on you tight and the boys just stared at you for a second, not knowing how to react to your presence.

Rindou and Ran, stopped in front of Izana, their faces filled with surprise as they noticed him holding onto you. Rindou glanced at you briefly before turning back to Izana, his eyebrow raised in question. 

"Izana... Who's this? You've got a grip on her like you don't want her running away. Did she do something?"

Rindou asked curiously, while Ran frowned in confusion, clearly not understanding why Izana had brought someone up here with him.

 "She looks pretty frail, you might break her if you're not careful" Ran jokes

One of the other members of the gang; Kanji, walked over to join them, his eyes narrowed suspiciously as he looked at them. "What's going on here?" He demanded, crossing his arms over his chest as he glared.

 "What'd she do huh? We need to kick her ass or something?" He glanced at you with an unimpressed expression.

 You flinched as the boys started asking questions, and youI felt extremely vulnerable and exposed, but Izana's tight grip around you and his reassuring presence gave you strength.

You  didn't dare speak up, and you didn't move an inch. You felt like a doll in his hands, and you hated it, but you also knew that if you moved or tried to run away, nothing good would come out of it. So, you  remained silent, trying to stay as calm as possible

You gripped part of Izana's coat in reflex when you heard them mention you doing something. You  could feel the fear bubble up from your chest and tears begin to prick the corners of your eyes but you will yourself not to cry in front of them. A small whimper left you as you closed your eyes, trying not to panic. 

You  looked around and you saw a few people who you knew because they had bullied you but, you  weren't worried about that. You were more worried about Ran, Rindou and especially Kanji's words. 

You didn't know what was going to happen, let alone if Izana decided you did do something to deserve being beat up. You tremble slightly and you feel Izana's grip tighten even more

Izana scowled at the implication that anyone might hurt you from Kanji's comment, his grip on you tightening even further as he glared at the member of the gang. Ran and Rindou exchanged confused glances, not understanding why Kanji would immediately decide to choose violence.

"Fuck off, Kanji," Rindou snapped "She hasn't done anything wrong yet you dickhead." Ran nodded in agreement, looking at you with concern yet still had an amused grin on his face

Kanji rolled his eyes at their comments, unimpressed by their defense of you. He crossed his arms over his chest and leaned against the wall, glaring at all of you. 

"Oh yeah? Then what's she doing clinging onto him like a lost puppy then? Looks like she's scared of something"

Ran scoffed and shot him a dubious glance "She's afraid of you asshat. You're not nice to anyone and you just threatened her..." Ran spoke casually and his words were long and drawn out.

Izana's hand tightened around your waist as he sensed your fear, and he whispered softly into your ear so that only you could hear him, "Don't worry, Y/n. Trust me, they won't hurt you. I won't let them." 

He spoke reassuringly, even though he knew that he couldn't guarantee your safety completely. He hoped that his words would comfort you enough to ease your fears somewhat. The three members of the gang approached you cautiously, sizing you up as they studied your appearance. 

Rindou and Ran exchanged glances, their expressions hardening slightly as they took note of your trembling and the way you clung onto Izana's coat while Kanji just looked angry. The three of them watched you and the way you responded to their stares with interest.

You heard Izana's words and felt a little more confident, but you were still very much scared. You look up at him and see that he said something to the guys, but you didn't quite hear what. You  look back at the guys and you see how they study you. You think they look like they want to hurt you, but Izana's words made you feel safer, so you trusted him. 

You believed him.

You slowly let go of his coat, but you kept your hands on it since it made you feel safer. You heard Rin and Ran talking, and looked at them with wide eyes, they seemed to be having a disagreement. You  couldn't understand what they were saying, but you knew that they were arguing about something related to you. 

You see Kanji glaring at you from the corner of your eye and you feel your panic come back but as your breathing picks up you feel Izana's hand lift your chin up to make you look at him. 

He smirked and leaned closer to you slowly. This got the attention of everyone.

 Ran and Rin stared with grins on their faces, as if they knew what Izana was going to do and Kanji looked even more angry. You open your mouth to say something to Izana only to be shushed by his lips on yours. Your whole body freezes up and Izana smirks into the kiss before pulling away and looking at the members of Tenjiku. He noticed how their expressions changed from anger to curiosity to realization as they watched him kiss you.

He knew that this would catch their attention and distract them momentarily from their plans to intimidate you as well as show why he was so interested in keeping you close. His hand rested on your cheek, caressing it gently with his thumb while his other hand wrapped around your waist, holding you close to him. 

He saw the confusion and surprise on everyone’s faces, including yours, as they realized what had just happened, and he enjoyed every second of it.

Ran and Rindou exchanged amused glances, their earlier argument forgotten as they observed the scene unfold before them. Ran elbowed Rindou and grinned widely at him and Rindou handed him something that looked suspiciously like money.

 Ran snickered softly, "Well fuck, looks like someone's got themselves a girlfriend already"

Rindou just  chuckled, and gave Ran a playful nudge. “Don’t act surprised. You called it.”

You stare up at Izana who just grins down at you and you can't help but to flush from his gaze. You look back down at the ground and you mutter something so quiet that not even Izana could hear.

Izana came closer to you and you  see him still smirking.  He says something to the members of Tenjiku again, this time he was more direct. You heard him say "You better not try to fuck with her, you better not even think about laying a finger on her. She’s mine"

He emphasized the word 'mine' with a slight growl, making it clear he wouldn’t hesitate to protect you from anyone who dared to even consider hurting you. He lowered his hand to the small of your back and he grinned at you sweetly before leaning down and pressing another kiss to your lips.

"Is now a bad time to ask you to be my girl?" He says in a teasing tone before whispering in your ear "I've been waiting for a chance to ask and I doubt there will be a better time than now" He kissed you all over your face.

You just nodded and whispered yes over and over to him until he kissed your lips again and laughed with you. He smiled at you and held you close to him and said with the sweetest smile

"God, you're out of my league"

[grievedeeply]

i love your writting so much that you're the only person i trust with this idea and i'd be thrilled if you were willing to write a scenario where: miles didn't manage to save his dad he is evem more convinced that everyone is against him (expect the reader who is not a spider person) he rejects the whole spider society thing and doesn't bother to care about them (bc they didn't care about him) so he sticks with the reader and eventually reveals his identity to them and the reader is the only person (except rio) who trurly cares about miles and is just generally supportive and patient with him basically i want to see angsty miles (i wish him best tho, he deserves everything) it can be in prompts, it can be a one shot, i don't care, it's gonna be great if it's written by you (:

OKAY 1. you talk so highly about my writing, thank you so much. i definitely think there are other people who could do this 20x better than me, but thank you for trusting me with this idea <3 2. angst hurts my heart and soul but i'm willing to do this anyway LOL enjoy :) i had no idea what to title this pls help

gn!reader | tws: death, grieving

you stick with miles after he fails to save his dad headcanons

he feels so guilty. he was the only one who could save him and he failed. his mom is so upset she barely talk and miles doesn't know what to do with himself now that he's gone

he pushes you away from him for awhile, closing himself off from everyone who ever cared about him

he lost all of his trust in the spider society. miguel got what he wanted and now he's miserable because of it. gwen and peter have both tried to contact him, but he ignores every advance they make

they didn't care about him when he needed them most. why would they pretend to care now?

it takes him a few weeks to talk to you face to face again. he replied to your texts every now and then before, so it wasn't like he completely ignored you

he can't blame any of this on you. you don't even know he's spider-man, anyway. how could you know?

as soon as he starts talking to you again, you reassure him that you're there for him. the loss of his father is clearly hitting him hard, and his cheeks are constantly stained with tears, so you take it upon yourself to be by his side when he wants you to be

you never push. you'll just sit with him in silence sometimes, and others, you'll talk about his dad. you'll share your happy memories with him and sometimes it'll make him laugh

he starts thinking about telling you that he's spider-man. it might be a dumb idea but you're the only person who cares about him that isn't his mom

it takes him a little while to be fully convinced of doing it, but when he does, he doesn't regret it

you're so understanding about it.. and then it all clicks. he was so close to saving his dad as spider-man.. that's why he's digging himself into a hole about it

you don't treat him any differently now that you know. to you, he's still just miles

you are consistently reminding him that you're there for him if he needs anything. he's just such a great friend to you, it feels only fair for you to return the favor

he'll never fully forgive himself for what happened.. but he feels a little better knowing he has someone like you there to help him through every stage of grief

[pray4saint]

big big psa guys

tw // almost a call-out. talking about people romanticising mental health issues. swearing bc i'm pissed off. my own trauma is sectioned off to be easily skipped through; although it includes topics of self-harm, suicide, bad mental health, & loss.

holy shit i cannot believe i actually have to make this post. if you disagree with anything in this post, please get off my blog because you're not welcome here.

tldr; don't send in requests for weird shit.

some of my mutuals have received asks surrounding a ”mentally ill reader” & dating a cc inside of a mental hospital/psych ward and uhm. excuse me??? what the actual fuck??? why do you think this is okay and normal? 🤠 why did you think that would be a good idea?? (you know who you are & trust that your block button is looking quite wonderful to the entire publishing house)

i consider myself fortunate enough not to have received those bc i know how triggering they can be and for anyone viewing my blog, so to anyone and everyone who has seen those asks and been triggered by them, i'm sorry. that's not something that anyone should have to see from a stranger on the fucking internet, or at all really.

i feel like i shouldn't even have to say this, but uhm, don't romanticise issues you clearly have no business dealing with? is it really that hard?? if it really is that fucking hard to just not be creepy about real issues, then get offline. this kinda shit is the reason some of mine and my cousin's favourite writers have left tumblr, and it's unfortunate but i understand their frustration.

joking about your trauma with your close friends is one thing, but asking a stranger on the internet to talk about it? that's a big fat no.

– > trauma below

this shit makes me so fucking outraged, especially as someone who's had friends go in and out of wards, who's lost people to suicide, and dealt with horrible self-esteem, body image and self worth issues because of it since the ripe age of 12. it's so invalidating to see it used as a story arc. these are real issues, that real people go through every goddamned day.

i've done things i'm not proud of, things i'm reminded of every time i look at my body. gone through things i wish i didn't have to, and as judah said in her post, i have the right to deal with and cope with my trauma as i wish, i've earned it. but i'm not hurting others. that's the difference.

– > trauma ends here

before sending in asks on any blog, take a moment to think; 'how will this be received?', 'based on their rules, is this okay?', 'is this something i would want my younger sibling reading on the internet in a year?' think before you speak. please.

as i said at the start, if you disagree with anything in this post then get off my page because you're not welcome here. clearly, you're not mature enough to stick around here. i don't care if i sound like an asshole, it must be said.

[th3sp4rr0w]

A03 Link <- Starts at Chapter/Day One for those just joining us :))

Prompts for Day Three; Sensory Deprivation/Overstimulation/Isolation

Alt. Prompt for Day Three; Separated From Loved Ones

Prompts Used; All

Tw; Emotional Manipulation, Violence, Injury, Autistic Meltdowns, Meltdown-Based Self Harm/Self Induced Injury, Internalized Ableism

Disclaimer; I have autism. The meltdown Danny has closely resembles a bad one for me. Autism looks different to different people, and I don't want to say that my experience is the only valid one bc obviously that's not true. People experience it in all different ways. Please don't make fun of his meltdown or make fun of anyone that may share their experiences in the comments. Just be nice to me and to others okay thank you <33

Link is to the A03 story for those seeing this for the first time and wanting to check it out and the chapter is under the cut :)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Talking with Sheila over the next week was like a dream that had come true.  

Like Jason had predicted, it hadn’t healed the wounds his mom’s passing had left. He hadn’t expected it would and wasn’t disappointed it didn’t, in the same way that he hadn’t expected being adopted by Bruce to heal the hurt Willis Todd had left somewhere inside him through the years. Though neither could heal the wounds the people that raised him had left, they both soothed it in ways he couldn’t seem to understand.  

He hadn’t called Sheila ‘mom’. He felt like that title would always belong to the woman who sang to him when he was small and gave him his love for reading. One day, though, he could see himself giving Sheila a different title of affection. Maybe ‘mama’, he hadn’t really decided yet, but the thought was similar enough to the couple times he had slipped and called Bruce ‘papa’.  

He still didn’t know how to process it when she told him she loved him a day into messaging back and forth. It was somewhere between elated and nauseous. He could count on one hand the number of times Bruce had told him he loved him in the last year, yet here Sheila was, giving it out like it was candy. He felt something weird curl in his stomach, but ignored it, assuming that it was a good weird, or something he’d picked up living with Bruce. Living with that nut case could make anyone extra paranoid. He still didn’t say he loved her, and how could he? He still hadn’t said those words to Bruce.  

Through their messages late at night (For him, he reminded himself- Ethiopia was seven hours ahead of them, and she often times could only message early in the morning or midafternoon her time), he found out she had left both of “her” boys with Willis, and was extremely concerned to hear that her little Daniel wasn’t with him... which was weird, because the file Bruce had clearly stated that she had taken his twin? He chalked it up to a miscommunication error Bruce didn’t have communication errors .  

He’d also learned about the crime that had caused her to flee to a different country. Apparently, the girl's parents had begged her to do some operation on her that they couldn’t afford. She would’ve died without it and was too far gone to save. It, admittedly, contradicted the information he had found in the bat-cave, but Bruce had dropped the case for a reason, right?  

Batman would never make that big of a mistake on a case like that.  

She wrote out stories of her life for him to pour over, from her current life at the horn to when she and da- Willis. To when she and Willis had met and fell in love. She said that she had hoped that, when they were old enough, her boys (and wasn’t that something, being one of her boys) would contact her exactly like Jason had. It had started looking grim, whether his twin was still out there in the world or not. He didn’t dare voice that to Sheila just yet, hoping for her sake that he was okay. She seemed like she was so worried about them over the years, especially now that she knows they were separated.  

She asked him about himself, how he had gone into Bruce’s custody, how he liked living with Bruce, how his adopted brother was, how school was going. It was everything he had imagined her doing.  

She was also wicked smart. You had to be to go into medicine, but especially since she had been living in Ethiopia, where hardly any English was spoken. Her area mostly spoke Amharic, she said, but living in the capital of the country she saw all sorts of people that spoke all sorts of languages. He started learning so he could visit her one day, even if the alphabet of the language did intimidate him just a little bit.  

She had so much to say to him, it made his head go a bit fuzzy. Getting to know her, telling her things about his life, getting a nickname from her (ሰማያዊ ጄይ ወፍ -she refused to tell him what it meant, stating it would give him a little extra motivation to learn). There was really only a couple of things that Jason hadn’t... loved about the whole thing.  

First; Bruce had tracked the Joker to around her area in Ethiopia. It was still unclear how exactly he’d gotten out of the country, but he had. The clown was way too close to her for his comfort, and there was no way to warn her without telling her everything.  

The second thing was that, after Bruce had found an excuse to visit Ethiopia “for a meeting” so they could stay for a while without too much fear of the media finding out and causing a ruckus, Jason had wanted to tell him so they could go see her. Dick was going to space for a Titan’s mission, so if he just told him about it when he got back, then he would probably be too excited on Jason’s behalf to get mad at Bruce that much, right? Except, when Jason went to tell Sheila the good news, she had all but begged him not to tell Bruce about her yet.  

He hadn’t known what to make of that.  

Her reasoning had been that she was worried Bruce would take it as a threat. Big ol’ goofball Brucie Wayne would take one look at her and assume she was attempting to steal away the precious boy he had loved and cared about for over a year. Except, when he tried to tell her there was absolutely no way he’d ever think like that, would be overjoyed even on Jason’s behalf, she had outright dismissed him. When he pushed it, she got annoyed and more defensive.  

He guessed he could understand where she was coming from. He’d probably be a little nervous in her position, too, but she was so vehemently against Bruce even knowing he knew about her...  

He didn’t know what to do.  

He sat through his classes, distracted and dazed. What if he couldn’t introduce them before Bruce found out Jason had gone behind his back? Then Dick would be mad at both of them for keeping something important from him, even if it was none of his business. He didn’t even know how Alfred would react. He was pretty sure the man would probably be on his side...? Then again, he had been pretty sure Sheila would want to meet his family.  

He felt a harsh poke to his shoulder. He looked over at the tiny boy next to him.  

He raised his eyebrows, looked over to the teacher then back at the older boy in silent conversation. He had a way of doing that; making you feel scolded without ever opening his mouth. Most days Jason isn’t sure if the boy is on par with or better at it than Alfred . It was inspiring and terrifying all at once. Jason didn’t know if he wanted to learn how to do it or if he never wanted the other boy to do that again.  

He shrugged, eyes flickering to the abandoned sheet on his desk before settling back on the boy next to him.  

He rolled his eyes, looking back up to the board as the teacher droned on.  

Jason returned to his thoughts. He wondered briefly if he could get away with going on his phone, but decided against it. Even if the teacher didn’t notice, the little stalker next to him would. He was reasonably sure he wouldn’t snitch, but he would ask uncomfortable questions. It was hard to deny the boy anything, his big owl eyes boring into his soul and making him want to cater to the kid’s every need.  

He wasn’t fully sure that the baby bird wasn’t a meta.  

The moment the bell rang, the boy had grabbed Jason’s wrist to prevent him from hiding out in a bathroom to see if Sheila had emailed him yet. When Jason attempted to protest, he glared at him. Jason followed obediently after him.  

He allowed the boy to take them to their regular empty classroom in the back of the library. They’re pretty sure everyone forgot about it since they changed librarians again, since they never see any sign anyone else ever uses it. He started pulling food from his lunchbox as the other boy started talking.  

“You need to tell me what’s going on with you, Jason,” he started. “You’ve been acting so weird, and you’re avoiding me-”  

“I’m not avoiding you!” Jason protested immediately. “If I was avoiding you, I’d be doing a damn better job at it,” he muttered.  

The other boy looked about as intimidating as a baby chihuahua as he glared at him. “You may not realize it yet, but you absolutely are. You always get like this when you have something on your mind that you haven’t figured out how to say, so say it. What happened? Did you get in another fight with Dick?” his voice was gentler than it had been previously by the end of it.  

Jason sighed. “No, baby bird, it’s just... I found something out last week. Something Bruce definitely knew about. And I don’t know what to do about it.”  

“So spill. We can workshop it together, okay? We can figure this out, Jace.”  

And he did. Jason spilled everything, from finding out Catherine wasn’t his bio mom, to contacting Sheila, to Ethiopia (though, he kept Joker out of it; as far as the baby bird knew, Bruce had a business trip and decided to give Alfred a break for the weekend).  

The kid had looked at him afterwards. “So, Sheila-” he looked at Jason questioning, and when he gave a nod he went on, “-Sheila is the one who gave birth to you, and wants to meet you on your dad’s-”  

“Bruce isn’t my dad,” Jason denied.  

“Fine, Mr. Wayne’s-”  

“Call him Bruce!”  

“ Mr. Wayne’s ,” he emphasized, ignoring Jason’s groans, “Business trip, but she doesn’t want you to tell Mr. Wayne you know or that you’re going to meet her?”  

“Pretty much,” Jason replied miserably.  

“Well, you know what you have to do, right?”  

“What’s that?”  

“You listen to her,” he said seriously, beginning to take some of the celery sticks and peanut butter Alfred had packed them.  

Jason looked at him a minute. “What do you mean?”  

“Well, she’s an adult,” he started, crunching on his celery, “She must have a reason she doesn’t want him to know. Just trust her, okay? It’ll all work out.”  

Jason shrugged, finally grabbing a sandwich and chewing on it thoughtfully, “Yeah, probably. I just...”  

He trailed off. The child looked at him expectantly.  

“I don’t know how much longer I can keep it up. Alfie knows something’s up, I think, and it’s tearing me up to keep quiet about it.”  

He heard a hum. “Yeah, but this isn’t just about you. It’s Sheila’s life, too, and she’s the adult. I’m sure she knows what she’s doing.”  

Jason sighed. “Yeah, you’re right. Thanks, birdie.”  

The other boy beamed at him, “You’re welcome, Jayjay.”  

Jason smiled back at him. If he didn’t know any better, he’d believe anything that little menace tried to convince him of as long as he had that faux innocent grin.  

Hell, he did know better, and some part of him still believed the little shit.  

The baby bird had made a good point. Sheila did already have a reason to keep this from Bruce, and there was probably one she couldn’t tell him. He’d hadn’t told her he was Robin; they’d only been chatting for a week. On the other hand...  

He felt guilty for not telling his family. He could tell Alfred was worried sick, and Bruce had started catching on. Dick was too busy to notice anything yet, but it was only a matter of time that he’d be home and Jason would have to start lying to him , too...  

He tried to throw himself in his schoolwork the rest of the day, worrying at his lip all the while. When Alfred picked him up at the end of the day, he didn’t know what to say. Finding her had been a dream come true, but sometimes, it felt like he was dirty. Like he was doing something he knew he shouldn’t be during patrol and Batman was right behind him, watching him screw up and boring his disappointed gaze at him all the while.  

He went to his room, barely saying ‘hi’ to Bruce in his study. He did his homework, texted the boy next door about notes he missed being zoned out through the day, helped him with his questions, took his hour-long pre-patrol nap, and got ready.  

When he was Robin, his problems were supposed to go away. They did, for the most part. As Robin, he was invincible, he could hop from roof top to roof top without a care in the world and just... let loose. Jason Todd wasn’t supposed to exist in the suit. He was Robin. But not tonight.  

No, tonight seemed worse, somehow. No matter how hard he tried, or how focused he pretended to be, he couldn’t stop thinking about her and the gnawing feeling that something was wrong, wrong, wrong-  

Maybe that’s why, when Batman and Robin ambushed that trafficking ring they’d found in its early stages, he was distracted. It was such a blur; one second, he was fighting bad guys and kicking butt like Robin does, and the next he was blindly clawing at his own face, actively trying to get his mask off.  

This had probably happened too many times to count, especially in the early days. When you’re a vigilante, sometimes, people do messed up things to you, like pour strange chemicals on your body. The league (and Batman... mostly Batman-) designed suits specifically for when bad guys poured strange chemicals on it, to keep them from hurting you too bad so you can keep fighting. When that skin is exposed, say, on your face, that’s a different story.  

They hadn’t wanted anything too abrasive on the face, since that would rub the sensitive skin raw and make mask-shaped red rings against it, and that’s bad for the secret identity. If Bruce Wayne had Batman-cowl shaped red marks on his face every day, eventually someone would put two and two together and make four. Before he and the team developed the right combo, he apparently got really good at make-up, but then the bat had gotten a certain little bird. 9 yr old Dick Grayson hated the way it felt, but he couldn’t go to school every day with marks on his chubby baby cheeks.  

So, Batman spent months perfecting the best mix of protective and comfortable. He had designed the mask so, while not as soak-proof as the rest of the outfit, you had some time to get it off should anything happen. In addition, the lenses suctioned to the skin, gently enough not to create lasting marks but well enough that nothing should enter and get into the wearer’s eyes in most situations.  

The lenses were enforced, but not unbreakable. They absorbed as much of the impact as possible without completely shattering, but they would crack so they wouldn’t break your eye socket when you got hit in the face. So, if someone were to, say, punch you real hard near both of your eyes while wearing brass knuckles, then pour chemicals on your face, you’d be in some deep trouble.  

The stars had aligned tonight for the worst possible scenario to become reality.  

Jason was screaming, he thought. He clawed at the mask, trying his hardest to get it off with his gloves on as the noise of the fight surrounded him. He wasn’t sure what happened, but when he felt strong arms try to grab him, he fought with all he had left.  

A voice flickered in and out of his adrenaline-fueled stupor, “Ro-… Okay, you... ‘in, Shhh, Robin, it’s me.”  

He finally realized it was just Batman and relaxed. He thought he was crying, it was hard to tell anymore.  

“Papa- papa, I can’t see,” he cried out as he started sobbing. He felt the strong arms around him start to pick him up.  

“Relax, I got you,” he murmured, then- “Agent A, I need you to prepare the med bay with saline and sterile syringes, prepped for flushing. We have a Robin with a clipped wing.” Papa adjusted his hold, starting to run towards where Jason was pretty sure they parked the bat-mobile.  

“Oh, dear,” he heard the butler reply in the comm. “What’s happened?”  

“I’ll fill you in at the Batcave.”  

He couldn’t hear Alfred’s reply over the rush of blood in his ears. He felt papa adjust him to open his door, leaning in the back seat to set him down and gently peel off his mask, rubbing under his right eye for a moment before buckling him in and closing the door. Moments later, he heard the door in front of him open and shut quickly, feeling it roar to life and tear down the road.  

Papa produced a bottle of water and talked him through opening it to pour onto his face. They were still going to flush when they got to the cave, he claimed, but getting as much of it off as early as possible was important. Jason did as he was told, tilting his head back and not bothering to close his eyes as he let the water pour down his burning cheeks. It felt cool against his skin, mixing with the sweat and grime.  

It was humiliating. He felt like he was in his early days again, messing up at every corner and leaving pap-, Batman, to clean up the mess.  

“What happened out there, Robin?” he heard the gruff voice ask from the front seat.  

“He- he had brass knuckles,” he gasped. “Hit me in the face a couple times and broke both my lenses,” if he knew the bat, he probably looked up at that, searching for any sign of bruising, “Then, someone poured the chemicals. Don’t know what they were, they had them stored in an unmarked glass bottle. Brown.”  

“Hn.”  

Jason cringed. It had felt right in the moment, but any time either he or Dick had called out for some version of “dad” in battle, it brought out the worst version of Batman. Overprotective, obsessive, and violent (always towards others, never towards them. Never them, even if sometimes they might deserve it). This version of Batman, who barely wants to let them go live their lives in fear of having them out of his sight. Jason wasn’t going to be patrolling by himself for the rest of the week, if he was allowed to patrol at all.  

His eyes stung. The vision was slowly starting to come back, but it was blurry. He could see some blocks of color; the dash looked like a solid black thing with specs of blue. If he tried to squint, he could barely make out the little ears on Bruce’s cowl for a couple seconds before he the pain was too much and he had to close his eyes again.  

The rest of the night was a blur. He remembered Bruce holding his head gently in his lap as Alfred flushed out his eyes, examining them carefully. Bruce used his mask to find what chemicals were used and, thankfully, they weren’t too potent. They had flushed his eyes in time, and tonight shouldn’t have any lasting effects.  

Sometimes, after a harrowing patrol, either of his little birds could show up in their pajamas by the elevator and wait. Somehow, Bruce always knew. He’d be there within 5 minutes, freshly showered and dressed comfortably with his pink robe, and take them into his room. He’d hold them protectively until they fell asleep. They’d often wake up, still in his embrace in the morning.  

Jason had only participated in this ritual with Dick, could count on one hand the amount of times he had. But tonight was just...  

Well. It was a lot.  

So, after a shower with still-blurry vision and fumbling his way through getting dressed, he went to stand by the elevators to wait for his... for Bruce.  

Instead, he found Bruce standing there waiting, hair already damp in his usual bedtime attire. His pink robe was tied loosely around his waist. He was wearing sweats with a Gray Ghost t-shirt. He held out his arms for Jason to slot into.  

Maybe he was too old for this, but that didn’t matter. Right now, sitting in Bruce’s arms as he carried him into the one room in the house he felt he could sleep in comfortably tonight, he couldn’t care less about it.  

As Bruce laid him down to hold him gently, rubbing his thumb pad over his brow and smoothing down his hair, he felt safe. That’s all that mattered.  

As long as he was with his papa, he was safe.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Danny cringed as he heard another bang from the basement. His parents had decided to stay home to prep for an upcoming convention and he was going nuts .  

He had done all the work Jazz brought home. He’d burned through the majority of her book collection.   

Tucker and Sam had worked together to customize a phone that he could actually use- he normally fried any electronic device he came into contact with for more than a couple weeks. The phone was one of those new, annoying ones that had no headphone jack. It was also a new-enough development that they hadn’t finished customizing a pair of Bluetooth headphones for it. He had lost the headphone adapter nearly immediately after getting it.  

He flinched again as he heard the clang and screech of metal on metal. If he had to listen to this much longer, he was going to start screaming.  

Arguably the worst part of the whole week was the fact that the wound he’d gotten hadn’t healed, like, at all . Ghosts kept coming, they kept fighting him, and they kept aggravating the wound with their own ectoblasts and throwing him into the ground. Not to mention when Maddie herself reopened it throwing a whole harpoon at him . Thankfully it hadn’t gone through, just scraped the absolute heck out of his side, but still! Ow!   

His side burned. Sounds were starting to bug him more. His parents put more ectoplasm in the fridge and hadn’t replaced anything that went sentient yet and his stomach ached with hunger. He hadn’t seen Tucker and Sam in forever and he actually wanted to go to school just to get away from this hell house -  

His head flew backwards and hit the wall. The sound reverberated in his ears, taking over the sounds of downstairs for a few seconds. He did it again, and again, and-  

He was crying. Breathing was weird and it felt vaguely like death. It wasn’t enough, it was never enough.  

His hands rolled into fists and he used his wrists to beat his temples. The pain was grounding, in a way. He could feel hot tears stream down his face and it made him all the more desperate to just make it stop, why wouldn’t it stop -  

The way his shirt was twisted around him was wrong, the sheets were the wrong texture, he could still taste the terrible mint of his toothpaste, the sounds from the basement kept getting louder. Every nerve in his body was on fire and his head ached. He could feel bruises forming on his wrists and temples. It wasn’t enough.  

He grabbed a pillow and screamed . He hadn’t slept more than 10 hours in almost two weeks, he was seeing spiders, he hadn’t had any zesti in days and everything was too much. He took a shuddering breath and screamed again, brain focused on the screeching metal.  

CLANG! CLANG! SCREEEEE-  

His voice raised in pitch to screech with it. He vaguely felt something shaking. His hands came up to tug on his hair. His shirt stuck to his neckline as tears soaked the hem. His throat burned and it was almost a mercy as the migraine he’d created for himself throbbed.  

The metal clanging finally stopped. The screams that had turned into hoarse little sounds calmed in favor of sobs.  

Over the next few minutes, the tears slowed. He carefully pried his hands away from his hair and attempted to soothe himself. He almost wished Jazz was here, but was eternally grateful she hadn’t witnessed his, uh, lapse in judgment.  

He... he should’ve just left, or found an old device or another they had floating around. Embarrassment flushed his cheeks. He threw a fit like a toddler and for what? Because of a few noises? How old was he again?  

He tore his shirt off before another round could start over the fabric. He shuffled over to his drawers, pulling out a soft hoodie and his favorite bottoms. He changed quickly.  

When he was little and these things happened, he went to his parents. They once soothed his aching wrists and checked his head. They would workshop whatever had pushed him this far, making sure he had the tools he needed to prevent it next time. Jazz helped a lot in that regard. But now, they cared more about their career.  

Jazz was at school still. She would help him through these, now, but she wouldn’t always be there for him. He grabbed the fluffy pillow she had given him, pressing his face to it.  

He wanted his mom. He wanted her to rub his back the way only she knew how. He wanted the smell of his dad’s fudge as he did what he could to soothe his son. He never knew what to say, and his hands felt like fire, but he’d always offer fudge and that was enough. He knew his dad was trying to comfort him the best way he knew how and it was enough .  

Jazz would’ve had the space documentary on right now. Tucker and Sam, who always somehow knew exactly what was wrong without asking, would’ve been there with noise cancelling headphones and soft things and would know if it was a time for hugs or hand holding or staying six feet away from him. They knew him. They were perfect .  

He missed them. He was so alone and he still had another week of this. The tears had his face sticky and he was dehydrated so all he was doing right now was that stupid dry sobbing that made him feel like he was faking the whole thing. He started gagging at some point.  

He could feel his teeth and every one of their sockets being stretched grotesquely to fit them. He could feel as his mouth filled with saliva and could hear it swish around every time he moved his tongue. Every little thing someone could tune out normally felt like it was setting him on fire; his breathing in his ears, the mucus in his nose, the inseam of his sock, every little stitch of his clothing, every eyelash scraping against his eye.  

He hadn’t eaten in a few days he could feel his stomach cramp around nothing . Jazz had an important test to study for so he wasn’t going to bug her about food. His parents had eaten out since the ectoplasm incident, so they didn’t feel the need to get more food. They hadn’t gotten anything for Danny since they “didn’t want to reward him for bad behavior while he was suspended”. He was so sick of being suspended.  

His body convulsed as he calmed down. He felt a cold build in his lungs.  

He cursed his luck. The frost blew out of his mouth, sticking to his cheeks. He was going to start screaming again.  

He transformed, shakily starting to fly. He went intangible and went through the wall, trying not to let the way it felt against his body make him go back into a full meltdown. His ghost form was slightly more tolerable, but he could still feel every molecule of being buzz with ectoplasm and it consumed him whole.  

He flew around for a bit before finally finding the thing that had set off his senses.  

Skulker. Jazz had finally convinced him to release the bastard and he was already back. Danny felt his anger levels rise and he was briefly tempted to throw himself at the bricks without going intangible. Instead, he charged.  

He rammed into Skulker full forced as he cackled. They tumbled through the air until they landed on a roof.  

“WHELP!” he cried as Danny started laying into him. “WHAT- HEY! TIME OUT!”  

He grasped the boy by the shoulders and threw him. Danny felt his previous wounds get jostled and his head hit the corner of the building. Even though most of the damage by now was gone because of his ghostly healing, it still hurt. He hissed in pain.  

“What ever happened to the wit! Honestly, whelp, at least put some effort in, it won’t be satisfying to hang your pelt-”  

Danny threw an ecto-blast at him. Skulker narrowly avoided it, his facial expression between impressed and annoyed.  

“You pest! I never thought you’d have it in you-” he grinned, going to attack Danny back. “It’ll be a pleasure to skin you slowly!”  

Danny growled, dodging Skulker and attacking with his ecto-blasts. “DO IT!” he yelled.  

Skulker stuttered for one second, allowing Danny to get him pinned down to the roof.  

The ghost pulled the glowing blade out of his suit, swinging at where he knew the half-boy should be sitting. “I’ll do it!” he threatened, swinging around.  

“DO IT!” he yelled again, shaking the ground around him. “SKIN ME! DO IT!”  

Skulker paused. He... was beginning to feel this was bigger than he first considered it would be. He almost felt like he needed to leave but pressed on.  

“I’m not playing around, half-breed!” he roared. He swiped at the boy, clipping his cheek. He only grinned at him, his fists starting to glow green. He started towards him, shouting again.  

“Good! If you don’t skin me, I might just do it myself !”  

The shaking of the building grew stronger. His voice carried itself in green rings, reverberating around the buildings and shaking the earth. Skulker could feel his armor start to shake like it did whenever Ember did this around him. The child’s words hit him afterwards in the shock of it all.  

Yeah, he probably should’ve tried retreating earlier.  

And besides, just how many powers did this kid have again? He felt like halfas got it all at this point, it was ridiculous.  

Instead of gaining common sense, he picked himself up and launched himself at the boy. Said boy punched him with green fists, screaming- no, wailing at the top of his lungs. Could he even control this?!  

The metal suit came apart with clangs and screeches of metal. The boy whined loudly, his wail once again shaking the buildings around them.  

Skulker was stuck in the helmet as he listened to the boy whimper for a few minutes before he composed himself. He felt the boy pick his helmet up and shake it vigorously as he flew.  

The boy said nothing as he turned intangible and went through a wall. The small ghost in the helmet sat there in silence as he listened to the boy crying. He heard the tell-tale sign of him going back to his human form.  

He had been pointed at the ceiling, so all he saw was snippets of things being thrown over top of him. He didn’t dare speak, but it was weird that the little whelp had been silent this long.  

Normally it was making noise and being annoying. Snarky comments and witty anecdotes, but today... nothing.  

He heard noises from other parts of the house. He thought he could make out the sound of those ghost hunters voices, but that was weird. If this was the little ghost’s haunt, why would ghost hunters...?  

Realization slammed into him like a ton of bricks. The little half-breed was still human. It still had parents. Its parents were the hunters that they had learned to avoid within the last year or so of having the portal in the basement.  

Ohhh, this was bad. This was so, so bad. He remembered every time he had been captured and had a new appreciation for the little whelp never turning them over to its parents. He... also realized just how dangerous this all was for it.  

He listened to the boy as he pulled things from places, ripping noises and grunts of pain.  

Skulker found himself wondering just how the half-breed worked. If he got injured. If he knew this was just playing around for them.  

He heard the boy start whimpering again, starting to jump around desperately. He wasn’t sure what he was doing, but it did it with an almost manic edge to it. The distress of the creature was palpable in the room.  

The thing eventually collapsed onto its bed. He could hear its panting from where he lay on the floor.  

He wasn’t sure how long they staid like that before the thing's sister entered the room. He heard her voice attempting to soothe as smells filled the space they resided in. He could hear agitation in the thing’s voice as it responded.  

The, what was it called again? ‘Fenton Thermos’ didn’t provide anything except darkness and silence. That was arguably the worst part of it, not being granted the passage of time, or companionship while being stuck, unless there were multiple ghosts there at once. But this? He wasn’t sure this was better. This somehow felt more wrong than trying to skin the whelp alive, for ancients’ sakes.  

He couldn’t even do anything to help. Or to hurt, whichever came first. Being stuck in his helmet gave him the perspective he never had, and stripped him of being able to use it at all. This was probably the worst he had felt after getting a beatdown from the half-breed.  

He heard shouting next. Between the thing and its sister. Something about never giving it space and how it never came to her with its problems. It felt too... ‘absolutely not his business’ for his taste.  

Eventually, he heard more screaming. He felt the room shake and he almost said something, then decided against it.  

When it stopped, he felt his helmet get snatched up and thrown up against the wall. He didn’t make a sound as the thing raged.  

All at once, he felt the whelp race down the stairs. Watched through the lenses of his helmet as he went through the portal and started flying. He saw glimpses of territories in the Zone as they flew by.  

He saw through the lenses, but mostly felt it when they reached his territory in the Zone. It was something every ghost felt when they entered their haunt. He also mostly felt it when the little whelp threw his helmet into his haunt . It could be so rude sometimes!  

No matter. He had already made up his mind.  

He started rolling the helmet towards the center of his haunt. He needed to rebuild first, but this was too big of a thing to keep to himself.  

He needed to tell someone of the boy’s situation.  

After dropping off Skulker (emphasis on drop ), Danny was... hesitant to go home. He could normally spend days in the Zone and never face an issue. He wanted to stay in the Zone, until his skin felt like his and his mind stopped buzzing.  

But fighting with Jazz wasn’t an excuse. That was mostly his dumb fault. If he wasn’t such an oversensitive crybaby, he wouldn’t have snapped at her. She was just trying to be nice, and he blew it.  

He couldn’t handle it anymore. The only reason he could even go into the Zone was because she had told their parents of the rumor that Skulker’s suit had been found (the same suit that Tucker and Sam had already cleaned up following reports of a freak ‘earthquake’). His parents were driving him nuts and he was starting to fear he’d never be okay again.  

He could blame the accident for a lot. It took away his chances of ever becoming an astronaut. It took away his security in the world. It took away his ability to feel invincible in the way that kids do. But this wasn’t the accident’s fault.  

He was born broken. He was born with his skin too tight, too-large teeth, and something bubbling in his throat, begging to get out. He was born wrong.  

There was... there was just no fixing that. He was going to be broken forever.  

He would always have to live with the fact that everything that was wrong with him was purely something he did. Jazz could say whatever she wanted about it.  

Daniel Fenton, even before the accident, was broken. Not even Jazz could fix that.  

He could never fix himself.  

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

looking for: advice, help figuring out how to reconcile my feelings

tws: queer infighting (sort of?) acephobia mentions, arophobia

So, i've been struggling with this for a while now. I'll start by saying I am extremely pro my ace family and ace rights, I understand the type of persecution they face and it's horrible. None of what I'm dealing with from the asexual community is convincing me that asexuality is bad or asexuals have bad intent inherently.

I am aromantic and bisexual (not asexual), and I've faced a lot of flack from alloromantic and allosexual people for being bisexual and aro. You know, the idea that I'm just using people for their bodies and stuff. So that's really tiresome and frustrating, even the little things like "oh you're aro, you're not physically attracted to people?". Ignorance stings even if it's not malicious.

So I obviously take great comfort in the aro community. And the aro community is very connected to the ace community. Which I have no problem with! I have had a lot of trouble finding aro people who aren't ace, which is isolating and difficult.

So here's the main problem. I've faced a lot of hate and microaggressions from aro ace people and alloromantic ace people. Ace people either refusing to count alloaro people as a demographic, or acting like anyone who's aro must be ace. The worst for me is when they talk about specifically ace things and add aro in like it's just a descriptor. I'm writing this and my heart is aching bc I'm being lumped in with a group of people who aren't me!!! They're a lovely group of people but it's the same feeling of being misgendered. I can't pick a fight with everyone who does this, and if I express my frustrating with how I've been treated it's very easy for people to just label me as acephobic (which would be a horrible thing to be!!! except I'm not, I'm very clearly stating that some ace people are being bigots towards alloaro people).

I don't know how to reconcile my love and support of the ace community with the intense amount of persecution I've faced by many people in that community.

I know in my head that I can be angry at arophobic aces, but if I try to talk about it, and even in my emotions, it's so hard.

Hi anon, 

I’m so sorry this has been impacting you in such a painful way - I deeply sympathize because though I’m aspec myself, I am not aro, so I found myself nodding along to several points you made along the way in your post when trying to navigate the community where I’ve also mainly stumbled on people who identify with both.

At the end of the day it is a spectrum - well all sexuality is - but there is a wide coverage here, and unfortunately with not enough resources, representation and education about the asexuality spectrum many of us get lumped together in not only ignorant ways, but painful and even abusive ones, too.  All that being said, at the end of the day, there is a huge difference between making bigoted commentary about a group of people, and responding to commentary about a group of people that includes you (and I’m very sorry to hear that some people mislabeled your advocacy of what is said to you and/or how you are spoken to/about as being automatically aphobic).

Of course we cannot argue with everyone we come across, but it’s equally valid to want to be surrounded by people who do not make negative commentary about your romantic orientation, even if it’s from a place of ignorance versus say active harassment - if it hurts, it hurts, and you deserve a community where you can just be without the commentary based on false assumptions and aphobia (which I can appreciate might feel hard, when over 80% of aroromantics in this study have “reported not being taken seriously, being ignored, or being dismissed by others.”)

In regards to how to respond where it doesn’t feel hard, it might simply come down to a practice of one step at a time (and potentially looking into boundary scripts and how to respond to aphobia & bigotry resources) - but I believe it’s equally important to find a community of people you can just be with.  No one has the right to decide who belongs in public, shared spaces, so I don’t mean to suggest shrinking yourself into a box - but finding other people you can share with and who “get it” can be incredibly validating too as you navigate bigger spaces along your journey.  The AUREA website has both online resources, as well as in person groups, and here’s a reddit forum that might at least be able to help you find some online communities across various social media platforms?

Regardless of what happens next, you deserve to be embraced for who you are, as you are, and I hope you find a community that roots for you.

Mod Kat

[ernestreverie]

RONAN'S ANOTHER OC LORE DUMPS!! (tw: spoilers, sensitive topics)

aight, we're back with lore dumps sorry for the wait. anw, I'mma start a short profile to emine's adoptive father (her lore dump can be accessed in my profile)

folks, the character I wanna lore dump is that of devansha (aka, carbonado/corvus). and I better tell ya specific points, one of them is his story could be inspired by the song bohemian rhapsody (slightly based, regarding to his own past fyi; also, don't fking call him wanderer wannabe istg)

we'll fking start; so, back he was actually even that young, devansha actually went deaf when his mother literally like... ruptured his ears by her own hands, causing them to bleed as he can't even hear a thing.

and no, he's also unable to speak clearly afterwards. he only speak in vocal letters, not consonant, which made him struggle to speak (this was even before he can finally get to speak clearly) but I sense anyone asking, why did his mother did that shit? well, if you look at his appearance again, he has a third eye under his right eye, which he doesn't feel confident about it at first. because of his strange stature and also the fact that he's her illegitimate child, he was awfully treated like an animal, instead of a child.

at one time, he was kicked out from his mother's household, in the fact that he's just only like, 4. I also mentioned in the previous lore dump, that even him and his adoptive child, might've experienced this similar issue, hence that she was reminded of his younger self.

"I... wish... I was never... be born... at all."

devansha even tried to end his own life, yet some of the people stopped him, leading him had to survive, no matter how he had tried, just to wanting to get for a new family. but at some point he even tried to drown himself, but at all times he was eventually saved. without any choice he then lives even though it'll be painful for him.

a month later as terangga, his first headmate, appears, he then acts like a parent to his host, during his times when he was all alone. but however, terangga then lets the latter front, as his father found him.

"Don't worry, son. I understand why you were here."

as devansha was soon brought with him, he was surprised to see his half siblings, yet he doesn't know them yet. but, lucky points is that, he finally have his found family.

yet, afterwards, he, unexpectedly, made a friend to a girl who find him hiding. (more lore dump of this can be discussed later; @inklingsmonocle yk who I'm talking abt) At first, he was even hesitant to make a friend, but yes, he then finally interested to befriend her.

anw I'mma just dump this one yet bc, I may not have enough time to update this so uh, part 2 ig?? anw, that's all for this lore dump. if ya' ask if he's still deaf, well... still yes, but he can now speak clearly, unlike before-

dw this ain't finished, I'll be making a second part if I had more time-

[notaboutmeeee]

Its been so many years so my memory doesn't have all the info anymore and yeah sadly many accounts have deactivated or videos been deleted...

And I only started watching the show during s3 but there must've been a shift in s3. Because during s1 and s2 the show and actors didn't mind talking about sterek and teasing the fans/ship. Very clearly showing they knew what it was and how many people were interested in it. Holding contests, asking for votes for awards/noms

And then from s2 to 3 suddenly stiles and derek have very little screen time together, few scenes, and even the actors mentioned it. Coincidentally in s3 both characters got new female love interests (aside from lydia, almost erica and kate in previous seasons). And who knows if it's a coincidence that jennifer/Julia looks similar to stiles (as does paige) Or just an unlucky happenstance. And that Cora was Derek's sister, and malia Derek's cousin... plus the whole bi stiles baiting which was also insane

At least s3 kinda had an interesting story so fans stuck with the show even if they weren't totally happy. (Oh and in s3 we got the danny ethan couple, so teen wolf was fine with pairing up gay characters as long as they were disposable side characters, and s5 there was Mason and corey also disposable side characters)

And because teen wolf loves giving many of its fans exactly what they don't want, we got few sterek scenes (less than s3?) In s4 and fucking kate again. But this time the story couldn't distract us plus they added so many new characters it was like a new worse version of tw...

And then hoechlin abruptly (understandably) left the show.

Not to forget the bwt interview that was quite a slap in the face to sterek fans after the cast had only spoken 'kindly' of it the years previous . And then the 'if you're watching the show for sterek you're watching it for the wrong reason' (paraphrasing, can't remember the quote right now). Plus the sterek ban..

Also during s1 and s2 there's plenty of interviews hoechlin and dylan did together (as duo or group)..and then suddenly you'll have trouble finding interviews with both together and if they are both present there'll be 10 people sitting between them not letting them interact anymore.

Actors like Colton and Holland calling themselves captain of the sterek ship... the we're on a ship video, the fake announcement with hand holding at sdcc '12

Then at cons or in interviews we have dylan and hoechlin talking about how they pitched scenes to Jeff and the writers, stiles and derek/sterek scenes. And they were ignored or given to other characters which is such a disrespect. And had fans upset bc their suggestions were scenes that would've meant sth to the characters and relationship and would've felt real and been good TV.

The fact that to this day we don't know why sterek never happened? They just ignored its existence while still profiting off of the few scenes they could squeeze in

A dishonorable mention that's important in my opinion is also how the toxic tw Fandom is also a reason some people moved away, it certainly drove me away for a while. Why would I want to be present in a Fandom where you get called a creep and weird and disrespectful and more ...

When you (sterek fandom) get shot at from all sides even though you literally played a major role in teen wolf making it to even season 3 (maybe even 2?)... and some point you have enough

But apparently mtv/Jeff didn't have enough because they wanted to bait sterek fans yet again for the movie..however sterek fans for a large part don't give a shit. Like we'll have one person sacrifice their sanity so they can make gifts and pics and clips and then only interact with that . Why watch the movie when we can actually write or create what we want ourselves?

But sure, stereks are the villains for expanding on the very limited character info, giving derek and stiles more life than Jeff ever could. For bringing a ship to life simply because dylan and hoech have such great chemistry, so Jeff can't take the credit. For creating more art for our ship than other ships did for theirs. For thinking about what was established in the show, not shrugging off their past but thinking about the fire and kate and stiles' mom and his dad's alcoholism (?). For calling out teen wolf because they refused to keep track of their lore. Getting called crazy for simply using previously established lore on sterek scenes, and deducing stiles must be Derek's anchor, that stiles and derek probably hung out a lot off screen to know so much about each other/risk their life and career for each other,that derek probably broke through a love spell bc of his trust in stiles, why did stiles have dereks name on the king, why was derek so protective of stiles who was nogitsune, ..

i've watched some sterek videos over the past few months since the movie dropped of people trying to analyze the ship and like so much of it is that you had to be there.

teen wolf fandom was one of those first fandoms that really broke down the 4th wall. davis got run off tumblr for fuck's sake and deleted his twitter if memory serves.

so much of this context is now attached to deleted twitters and deactivated tumblrs.

perhaps one day i'll dig into my tags and hunt stuff down because i remember things. things like the actor for matt dahler commenting on his character's "pretty good pair" line in season 2 and how it got fandom in a titter because it was a shoutout. teen wolf social media was good at getting engagement by teasing all sorts of utter bullshit. they were very good at the carrot and stick method to keep fans coming back again and again and again.

but these post-show autopsies lack this kind of context and over rely on the boat videos for teen choice and posey's comments.

there were a lot of things that sort of culminated together that had people shipping the pairing and abandoning the show. it was not exclusive to be a sterek shipper to eventually leave the show.

it's really kind of fascinating.

[throwing-ice-cubes]

not quite an unpopular opinion, but what do you think why didn't theo write a suicide note for boris in amsterdam when he wrote one for everyone else in his life? also, I feel like people don't acknowledge enough that the quote: "we don’t get to choose our own hearts" very much also refers to boris among other things. I think it was made very clear that boris represents chaos that theo is undeniablly attracted to so he gets obsessed with pippa who he percieves to be the opposite of that - which is why he associates her with his mother. anyway, just my opinion. xx

tw/ s attempt, s letter

trying to put myself in his place, i believe theo didn't write to boris bc a) he didn't know how to and b) he knew he didn't have to. allow me to elaborate

as you pointed out, boris represented a whole side of theo's life and personality.

there's a reason theo showed the painting to boris and boris only, and that's because he knew it was the only person in his life who would get him. boris would never judge or snitch him on that. he would understand theo's urge to have the painting to the point of having that same urge himself (which led him to stealing it too).

my point is, boris gets him, and theo knows (or at least feels) that.

second part is that theo fucking sucks at expressing his feelings clearly (without hiding what he really means) due to his discomfort with opening up. him and boris lived and did more (meaningful) stuff together than anyone else in theo's life, and he probably could not think of anything he wanted to say that he could put into words and that boris didn't already know.

in fact, when theo comes back to the hotel to do it and finds boris there, they have this cute little dialogue about the reward money that shows exactly what i mean:

of course he knows what u mean he knows your heart better than anyone he had it longer than anyone else you feel me

so yea those are my quick thoughts on that hope it was good enough for u anon :]

(also i really like the "we don’t get to choose our own hearts" line, so yes let's all talk about it more. and if i might add, let's all sit with "and that's why i've chosen to write these pages as i've written them. for only by stepping into the middle zone, the polychrome edge between truth and untruth, is it tolerable to be here and writing this at all" one more time because ?????? we know you lied and tried to omit and/or diminish very important things but SIR ??!?!?!

anyway loved your thoughts on the connection between pippa and boris as opposite representations in his life ty for sharing and for the ask <33)

[lovcyme]

Can you make an KuroKen Fanfic abt them like comforting eachother when their day's going bad?

Hello anon tysm for this ask !! This is a bit messy bc it's literally 3am here as I write this but I hope you like this !!

note: i used headcanon pronouns for kenma and i use they/them on them and theyre non-binary bc theyre not into gendered shit here just a heads up

pt. 1/1

tw: homophobia

This is proofread !! ✅

"Kenma, what's up ? The expression you have looks like hell." the older male said, observing his partner's facial features.

The junior looks up from their game as they gave their boyfriend an irritated look. "It's nothing, Kuro." they said, clearly irritated at something. Tetsurou knows something is indeed wrong by his partner's tone.

"Doesn't seem like nothing when your face looks like the first time you had to toss to Lev." the black-haired male said cheekily.

His partner ignored him which made Tetsurou suspect that something serious probably happened. Choosing to respect his partner's boundaries for now, they continued to walk to the train station.

After they have sat down in the train, Tetsurou's suspicions start to become more likely as Kenma put their PSP away. It was an unlikely occurrence, one that Tetsurou rarely sees. However, Tetsurou knew this state would make his partner uncooperative. He usually would have to wait for a while before he could get them to open up so he waited until they got to their neighborhood.

Arriving at Kenma's house, Tetsurou spoke up. "Hey Ken, I think we need to talk. Somethin' seems to be bothering ya so I'll be here for a while. I already texted my dad so there's no need to worry." he spoke with a hint of concern in his voice. "I-... I understand. Let's go in." Kenma spoke rather nonchalantly, but they knew and understood their boyfriend's concern, they just didn't know how to project those feelings.

As the two entered their house, Mrs. Kozume greeted them both as the two greeted her back politely. In a somehow awkward but comfortable silence the two walked to Kenma's room. Allowing themselves to indulge in the privacy of their room.

"So, what happened that made you so upset ?" Tetsurou inquired, placing his bag down as his partner immediately sat on the bed. Tetsurou waited patiently for his partner to respond, not wanting to pressure them.

Tetsurou heard a long sigh from his partner. "I'm just tired of people being stupid. Like, why can't they just be open-minded ?" they said, clearly frustrated at the thought. Tetsurou does not understand what his partner was saying. Instead of telling them to explain more, he simply waited as he sat on their desk chair.

"They don't get that I'm non-binary and that I'm not into being tied down to the gender spectrum." they ranted more, leaning their face on their palms. "Is it really hard to respect someone's identity ? Or is it just because their brain isn't working properly due to their lack of knowledge."

Tetsurou just listened to his partner rant about their situation. He didn't want to interrupt them. He knew very well that they don't always open up so this was a good chance to just let them be them.

The smaller person continued to rant about the homophobes in their school, letting their anger and frustration take over as they know that their partner is listening to them and allowing them to release their pent up anger.

"I could've thrown a chair at him, seriously. And the fucking audacity to call me gross for dating you ?! I know this'll sound cheesy but what's so wrong with being true to myself and loving someone with the same biological sex ?" They said, flopping on their bed feeling relieved to finally have let those feelings out.

Their boyfriend who had been listening to them rant looked at them and sighed as well.

"I understand how you feel, Ken, I really do. And honestly I would be frustrated too. Your feelings are valid, don't worry." he started.

"It's unfair that a lot of people tend to invalidate your identity, in all honesty. And y'know what I'll give them a beating if they say something that hurts you." Tetsurou said which stunned Kenma because they never said that it hurt them, but knowing their boyfriend he probably read them.

"Yeah, it's a lot to take in. Being referred to as a boy, being misgendered and using the wrong pronouns on me...It's just unsettling." Kenma sat up, locking eyes with their boyfriend.

"But I've got your back. I know it's so frustrating to be invalidated but you have the entire team, plus Karasuno to validate your identity. I'd say Bokuto's team validates you too."

Kenma's lips quirked up a bit and he let out a small smile which made Tetsurou smile back fondly. The smaller person spread their arms, signaling the older male to come closer and embrace them to which the latter did.

That night, they enjoyed each other's presence and company, not wanting to let go even for one second.

hope you enjoyed this piece !! ik its a bit short but i tried !! its hard when you dont have enough sleep. so sorry if this is rushed and it mostly talking about kenma !! ^^' ill probably make a part 2 with kuroo's part but ill try !!

reblogs are not necessary but v appreciated <3

[faebriel]

ok ok I'm insane and couldn't pick one so have two (no need to answer both if you don't want to)

“You talk to him.” Not kindly, but he does.

“I’m used to him,” he shoots back. “I’m the only person who is.”

That makes Niki feel something, some uncomfortable tug in her chest. She mentally kicks herself. It’s not jealousy, she reminds herself, because despite the near-cliff jumping and the long nights without food and the nuclear fallout that has punctuated her last few months, being jealous of Tommy would be the least reasonable thing she’s allowed herself to be, maybe ever.

“You don’t believe me,” Tommy says flatly. “You never - eugh.” He cuts himself off with another ragged sigh, running a hand down his face. “Look, Niki, it’s - we were all together in Pogtopia, right? But I was there first. With him. And you didn’t see the start of it, it was horrible, and I’m glad no one else saw the beginning of it either but it was still just so shit and he kept saying all these terrible things about Tubbo and Fundy and you and,” he takes a shaky breath, “then, when I died, I saw him.”

Her breath catches in her throat.

Well, the voice in the back of her head whistles. If you were still wondering about all this afterlife bullshit, if you want to know where you’re going after your third life, here you go.

and

“You didn’t even - this isn’t about L’Manberg, Wilbur!” Niki shouts.

And then he stops, breathing hard, and he looks at Niki the same way he does whenever her voice is being drowned out in a crowd - the way he does when he wants to hear her, when he wants to know what she has to say.

“What else is there?” he asks.

Niki freezes. Stock still, unable to move, unable to breathe, ice threading its way through her gut, her chest, her shoulders, chilled down to the bone. With slow-dawning horror, she can feel hot tears welling up behind her eyes, sitting in her throat, threatening to spill over into a sob. She swallows - to keep her cool, to stay calm, to keep it together -

And then, something in her chest just snaps.

“You said you’d come back for me!” she cries, and her voice hitches on the lump of tears at the back of her throat and god, she sounds absolutely pathetic. Wilbur’s face softens immediately, which somehow just makes her feel even worse. “In Manberg. When Schlatt put me in prison, and you and Tommy were in Pogtopia, you said you’d break me out when it was safe. I waited for weeks , Wilbur. It was… it was horrible.”

“Niki…” a kaleidoscope of emotions flicker across his face, and he seems unsure which to settle on. “We got you out though, right? After the festival.”

“You looked for the button first,” she says quietly, and he stills.

Her sniffling sounds embarrassingly loud against the quiet background of night.

thank you sm!!! i’m gonna put these under the cut because they got a little long sorry (tw for discussion of suicidal ideation)

to preface: tommy is kind of the accidental but incredibly necessary invisible support beam for niki and wilbur’s making amends in bitter. niki cannot accept wilbur’s actions and apology without first acknowledging her own actions and making steps towards an apology, because otherwise it kind of falls flat? in that ending scene niki finally gets what wilbur is feeling and wilbur finally gets that someone else knows how he feels (it’s not perfect 100% yet, but…. that’ll get explored later)

onto the actual snippet! “tommy talks to wilbur - not kindly, but he does” was very important to me! tommy has stuck by wilbur ever since pogtopia, but the tragedy is that he is not equipped to deal with wilbur’s issues, and it shows. wilbur’s first stream after revival depicts this really clearly, where tommy tails wilbur around the whole time but insults him, is still stuck on calling him the villain, physically fights him at some point, etc. on one hand this isn’t healthy but on the other hand tommy is actually around, which is more than can be said for basically any other ally wilbur has had on the dsmp, maybe excluding his dad, who literally killed him lmfao.

this whole issue is exacerbated by the fact that tommy believes that he is the only person who properly understands wilbur, the only person who gets what happened to him, and feels like wilbur is generally his burden to bear. he failed to stop wilbur from both 1. hurting other people and 2. killing himself after the pogtopia-manberg war - and he doesn’t trust wilbur not to do either of those things again, so he’s stuck hovering around wilbur while wilbur is inadvertently setting off his own trauma and feeling responsible for any way he might fuck up and hating that but not wanting to leave. tommy’s memory isn’t perfect and he isn’t a perfect narrator, what he remembers from pogtopia the most were the scariest parts and that’s understandable but it means he’s holding wilbur to the worst expectations of behaviour (and he does so very vocally). the others showed up later, sure, but in tommy’s eyes he’s the only one who saw wilbur’s descent, and by the time they showed up wilbur had already changed irreversably. tommy tries to rationalise this by splitting the ‘different wilburs’ apart from each other in his head (he does this in canon too - there’s one quote from like late 2020 where he says he and tubbo need to keep on going for who wilbur used to be, not who he became, even though they’re,, the same person), and no one challenges that perspective, so he just keeps doing it even though it’s not healthy for him or wilbur.

and then limbo happened and, oh geez, THAT didn’t help jhfaskjjfsa

tommy is on a bit of a knife edge with niki in this fic. niki’s in this state of “ok, he’s annoying whatever, i’m moving on”, but all tommy knows is that she tried to kill him that one time, disappeared off the face of the map, joined a book club with two people who definitely do not like him, and now is just acting weirdly mellow and polite. she is not someone he wants near wilbur bc what the fuck is she gonna do? what is he gonna do? who knows. he’s frustrated that niki doesn’t seem to acknowledge how he’s feeling (especially bc once upon a time she would have been someone he trusted to acknowledge them - they were friends, they fought together) and he’s taking a big step by telling someone about his concerns here, especially bc tommy doesn’t really like talking about them at all. he wouldn’t be saying absolutely anything to niki if he didn’t truly believe she should stay away from wilbur, even if he’s wrong about him. (sometimes i think i write tommy as a little too emotionally mature here but it all goes out the window when wilbur’s brought up. idk if that balances it out)

ok onto niki: this is the first she has actually heard of limbo! she’s only just come around to the fact that resurrection is possible at all. death is kind of a touchy subject for niki both in general and re: wilbur in the fic - she’s coming off of a period in her life where suicidal ideation was, uh, a big thing (whether you want to read that into canon or not is subjective, that’s just the angle i went with in this fic). the sudden existence of a life after death, miserable as it is - and whether she really believes in such a place, when it only exists in tommy and wilbur’s words - that is a lot of information for her to absorb all at once. death is a weird connection point for tommy and niki here, coming right off of the fact that they’ve just acknowledged each other having those problems - tommy, out of, yknow, altruism, would very much like to keep niki out of that place, and niki is quietly reckoning with the fact that that is where she would have sent him. the concept of limbo from the perspective of a character with no experience of it, even secondhand, is so interesting to me like what kind of eldritch location would you feel like you’re living in asghjkl

(also - i gotta be honest the jealousy angle here but mostly when she’s talking later about dream not deserving wilbur’s companionship kinda came out after this post came across my dash while writing. whoops /j)

-

fun fact, this is the very first snippet of bitter that i ever wrote! all the way back in may!! this is like the moment of the fic - it's where the miscommunication that niki and wilbur have been having is shattered entirely - and so sticking the landing was uhhh kinda important to me lol.

wilbur's entire being in this fic is basically consumed by L'Manberg - he equates his self worth to it entirely. in his eyes, everyone (rightfully) hates him because of what he did to L'Manberg, because L'Manberg was corrupted and he himself with it, etc. niki tries to tell herself this, and while it definitely does form part of her issues with him, it was the betrayal that causes her this much pain - that he seemingly brushed her and their friendship off entirely when he supposedly left her for dead in manberg. because here is what we as the audience know: wilbur couldn’t leave niki in trouble when he heard her life was in danger, even when he was trying to find the button (pretty much the only thing he sees himself as having left at this point) and so he returned. here is what it looks like from niki’s perspective: wilbur told her to wait in manberg until it was safe to come to pogtopia, laid the place with TNT, went to blow up the place, and only returned when he couldn’t find the detonator (and then the first thing she saw him do in pogtopia was encourage the pit behaviour but that’s not what we’re talking about asdfgh). that is massive miscommunication and it’s been brewing between them for months - to make a quirky little reference to the title, niki has been carrying that anger with her so long it's gone bitter. it was never just about l’manberg with niki - not that anger, not her and wilbur’s friendship (hence the little flashback earlier in the fic, bc niki’s relationship to anarchism and statehood or statelessness juxtaposed with her friendships with wilbur and eret - she loves l’manberg bc she loves wilbur, but she loves eret too and those national ties don’t undermine that - is Real Interesting to me) - so when wilbur asks what else there could possibly be (because in his mind, what else could she have bothered staying around for?), she just fucking breaks.

“Niki freezes. Stock still, unable to move, unable to breathe, ice threading its way through her gut...with slow-dawning horror, she can feel hot tears welling up behind her eyes” - prose discussion time! heat and cold are two big throughlines in this fic - particularly for niki, cold is what she is. admittedly when i started with it i mostly wanted to subvert hot = angry and cold = dead but i kinda ended up enjoying this take on it for what it is instead of just as a subversion (also i like the idea of revived people running hot, their bodies r working hard to keep em going). she’s holding onto her feelings and refusing to deal with them, she’s frozen over. descriptions of cold are key to niki’s mental state throughout the fic - cold weight on her chest, feelings of frostbite when she and wilbur hug the first time, ice cold water during the dinner scene, waking up in the cold flat, etc. this was an attempt at describing a more visceral feeling of like, when you’re really mad and you can just feel the adrenaline running through your veins. always felt more cold than hot to me. when she starts to cry, the facade she’s been putting on is finally thawing out and cracking the ice she’s buried her feelings under. (also gives an excuse to write warm comforting hugs towards the end /hj). it’s a loss, it’s catharsis, it’s a whole mess.

and ofc this is all news to wilbur and he feels terrible, because as unintentional as it was, he really really hurt her - because the destruction of l’manberg fucking sucked but above all else wilbur hurt the people he loved because they loved him so much and not in spite of it, because they cared about him so deeply and his death was a massive blow to them. this hasn’t even dawned on him, because how could it? he respects deeply niki (lowkey respects her opinion more than his own at this point) so he has to listen, because it’s niki (“and he looks at Niki the same way he does whenever her voice is being drowned out in a crowd - the way he does when he wants to hear her, when he wants to know what she has to say” - because he does), and what she says fucking floors him. in his eyes, he failed her by putting her in danger and then by destroying her home - the idea that she valued him and their friendship so much flies entirely over his head until this moment, and he is forced to re-evaluate the mindset that has motivated him since… basically since pogtopia! the way i write wilbur is like… yes, he’s one of niki’s closest friends and he’s more aware of her insecurities and issues than most (which is why he does always take the time to listen to her, etc) but he does over-idealise her a bit. tbf, i think he does to some extent with everyone (calling tubbo strong on the anniversary stream, for example). also the fact that he really wasn’t around for niki’s lowest moments as a character! he still thinks of her the way she was in l’manberg - confident, steadfast, respected - and this moment shatters that for him as he realises exactly what effect he and his death had on her and everyone else, not just by his actions, but because they loved him and cared for him so deeply.

sorry that this got horrifically long!! and thank you so much for sending snippets in <3333

[captainimprobable]

hey so i hope its ok i reblogged this bc im STILL mad about this

TW for mental health stuff including suicide mention!

i experienced this when I was hospitalized in 2015 but being there sunday night just reminded me that I wasn't exaggerating in my head. it really WAS that bad.

psych patients are treated like they are subhuman. We are treated like criminals, like animals, like we can't be trusted. The SECOND a doctor hears you're a psych patient, they don't look at you the same.

I'm not judging all doctors, or all nurses. But some of them are truly evil, AND the protocols for these things? INSANE I was hospitalized for 6 days. I don't regret it for a second, it was the right decision, it saved my life. But out of EVERYONE who worked the ward, ONE SINGLE NURSE was kind. One. Everyone else was cold, and dismissive, and MEAN. My friend went through elecroshock therapy, which is obviously TRAUMATIZING. He got back one day and said something about being tired. A nurse ROLLED HER EYES and said "so take a nap, you're basically on vacation anyway." On vacation. She said this to very sick college kids, most of whom were there because they had literally attempted to kill themselves. We were vulnerable and scared, and they didn't give a shit.

At group one day we had a doctor come in and rant to us about how most people use their depression as an excuse to be lazy. Thanks bud. I'll keep that in mind. I really was just feeling lazy when I dropped out of my semester DURING FINALS WEEK in order to BE HOSPITALIZED. He did not like it that I yelled at him. He can go fuck himself. I was told one day that I'd be leaving and to wait for my social worker to talk to me. I waited all day, and then at 5 politely asked where she was.

They told me she left at 4. I started crying, because, duh, I wanted to go home. This woman looked me in the eye and said "Stop crying. If you keep acting like that they're obviously not going to send you home." Everything about the situation was dehumanizing. I understand the protocols, but it's so important for nurses and doctors to understand we are humans who are hurting, and that being compassionate about it is important.

We were stripped of all our belongings, we had to pee with the door open, the showers only lasted 15 seconds long, we weren't allowed pens (but pencils were ok????), we couldn't have any of our own food and the fridge was LOCKED. I had a lil baby ED at the time (that i didn't clock til like. last month lmao) and I told them about it. They ignored it. Completely.

I saw a therapist maybe twice. The rest of the time we just sat there doing nothing while they joked about us in front of us. And that was when I was admitted. When I was with OP on Sunday, she WASN'T EVEN ADMITTED. Not one person could explain what the purpose of taking her phone away was. But it was somehow ok to leave her in a room silently with nothing to do for 8 hours? We weren't allowed to leave. We were informed if we left, they would send the cops after us. Nobody cared. NOBODY CARED. They were nice enough, but they so clearly did not give two shits about this. "We're worried about her safety" Right. But you just....told her to leave at almost 2am without making sure she was even okay? You don't think maybe the time in the ER was a bit traumatizing? Why the fuck does anyone go into this job if they don't care??? I don't understand. People with mental health problems are not any less human than the rest of you. We deserve to be treated with basic dignity and respect. I understand the protocols and I understand why most of them are in place. But it would be much easier to comply if any ounce of compassion was shown whatsoever.

So I spent around 9 hours in the ER tonight because I stupidly went to urgent care after a relapse.

Mistake #1.

All I wanted is for them to give me like 2-3 stitches and be done with it. I have quite the treatment team and didn’t need beyond that. The doctor was so dismissive. He didn’t even introduce himself, merely said “well it’s self inflicted so I’m calling EMS.” I told him I’m well taken care of and he was like if that’s so then why’d you do this? Talk about insanely invalidating.

I was panicking bc I did NOT need an emergency room. That dumb doctor himself used glue and steri strips to close me up. That’s all I needed.

But I couldn’t convince them of that and I was off to the hospital with two insanely nice EMS transport ladies.

I was brought to a room right away then was told I needed to give everything in. My clothes, my bracelets, the pony tail holder on my wrist, my flip flops, and my fucking phone. I started crying and panicking saying I need my phone it’s an anxiety thing. And the nurse was just like…we can give you something for that. No thanks.

Before I gave them my phone I texted Jacqui asking her to come. Didn’t know if she would or not. But she did. And Jacqui, you’re a literal gem.

We sat there for hours. Felt like I was in jail. Bloodwork, two doctors asking me questions that were way too personal, then we had to wait for a psych consult. Turns out it was telehealth and that didn’t even happen until midnight.

She was so sweet, so validating, so caring and reassuring. I think we spoke for a half hour. She told me she’d talk to the attending right away to get me discharged.

I wasn’t discharged until maybe 1:45am??

It’s now 3:30am and I emailed the principal that I’ll be out tomorrow.

It’s just been a NIGHT and that’s all I have to say.

[aileysmirnov]

Loki x Ailey hc! part 1

I was watching Thor Ragnarok with some friends (over zoom ofc) and then It popped up in my head a conversation that I had with @melyaliz and Alex (ig: shir.0_guru) a while back, and I couldn't shake it off my brain as I was trying to write some other thing. So hopefully writing this down would apace my mind.

TW: Arranged marriage, depictions of emotional/psychological abuse

Summary: Eris and Odin find a solution to what's been threatening their domains, an alliance between 2 of the most powerful families, but Ailey and Loki don't seem so keen about it.

Disclaimer/notes: Ailey is my OC! You can learn more about her in here!

Ailey has finally been reunited with most of her family and entered the realm of gods in this AU.

Samaras is the last name of the Eris family, they are rulers of Thera (Eris kingdom) and each member bears a royal title.

Ailey is the only demi-goddess in her family, Demigods are seen as shameful in this AU and usually they have a birthmark and a weakness that distinguishes them as such. In Ailey's case is her golden rose hair once she transforms in her god-form and her weakness is her allergy to gold, it practically burns her skin, debilitates her magic and herself, is like kryptonite for her.

◆◇◆◇◆◇◆◇

The only reason they even know about the other, is because of their parents: Eris had been in conflict with Ares lately, and one of his recent attacks greatly debilitated her army and Odin had trouble with a few of the realms under his command forming complots against him and the safety of Asgard.

Both rulers found themselves in need of the other: Odin had the greatest warriors and military at his service, and Eris being the goddess of discord could easily rise or disipate any conflict that may come her way (except for Ares ofc), an easy way in or out of war.

And so, they decided to form an alliance; But Odin being the wise men he is, knew better than to trust blindly in the goddess of chaos, after all...Eris was known for being a backstabber who acted only to beneficiate her own interests.

To prevent that, Odin decided to make the alliance under the condition that one member of the Samaras family must marry the second son: Loki, God of mischief. And so, Eris agreed and offered her youngest daughter: Ailey goddess of ruin and folly.

God it was an absolute mess since the beginning!

Frigga was the one to inform Loki, who immediately went to Odin to protest, but like always his father ignored him, shutting him down by comparing him to his brother and how he would do anything to protect Asgard but Loki was being selfish.

Ailey in the other hand was kept ignorant of such decision and only knew about it a few hours before the engagement party began and only because a servant accidentally told her.

She was furious and much like Loki tried to protest but Eris couldn't care less about her daughter's opinion.

Ailey could rage all she wanted, Eris wasn't even paying attention, the only thing she was accomplishing was in making her angry.

—Child, I think you tend to forget your place in this world, you see: among humans you might be...special but in here... you're just an idiot with too much privilege—Eris had a way with words that could make them feel like poison, creeping in to the insecurities of one's heart.

—If it weren't for me and your brothers, you would be Hera's new toy, so please remember, dear. You not only owe me but to your brothers and this kingdom as well.

Ailey headed back to her room feeling ashamed and angry, she felt her mother's words had some truth in them, seeing as how different she was viewed here in comparison to the human realm.

When the time came for the engagement party and for Ailey and Loki to meet for the first time, is fair to say neither of them were in a good mood.

Even though deep inside they knew both of them didn't have any say in the matter and were pretty much in the same situation; they still felt irrationally mad at each other, that's why since the moment they met to the end of the ceremony they would throw little passive-aggressive remarks at each other.

She viewed him as a pretentious asshole, and He saw her as a spoiled brat.

Almost near the end of the celebration and no announcement had been made so Eris took it upon herself to throw them into the spotlight.

—I believe you two have something important to share with all of us—her face was smiling but her eyes were threatening.

Ailey bit the inner side of her cheek, rolled her eyes as she turned to face Loki who only gave an exasperated sigh before speaking in a monotone voice

—Do you want to marry me?—he didn't even bothered to get on one knee and just extended the ring for her to take.

Ailey felt tempted to say "no" and walk away gracefully but doing that would probably have a negative impact on Thera, so after a long pause she answered.

—Whatever—and put the ring on, herself.

Clearly a good start :) .

I think they didn't saw each other that much afterwards and when they did it was mostly for wedding arrangements in which they continued with the passive-aggressive comments but this time about everything the other would pick.

The mood was so uncomfortable every time they were together everyone around them was like:

I think that sometimes they would have moments where they realize they had been too harsh with the other and would tone it down a little but treating each other like that was the only way of protest that was allowed for them.

Specially for Loki since he constantly had to travel to Thera bc for some reason unknown to him Ailey refused to go to Asgard, which only made his negative opinion on her grow.

In his mind, it was probably because she thought she was too good for Asgard but the reality was: Asgard is practically a death sentence for Ailey since 90% of every building in there was made of gold.

But she will never tell him that.

I think their first "moment of closeness" came to be purely out of the realization neither of them had any option other than get married or see their domains destroyed.

So, they decided to call it a truce: both would play along with the whole marriage fiasco for a while until things died down and then they could divorce and pretend they never even met.

And so, the passive-aggressive comments slowly died down, not that they started acting like lovers all of a sudden, instead they acted like they were just... co-workers or something.

They would greet each other in a formal manner and then only talked about the arrangements and left, nothing else.

But then, inevitably they started to get closer.

It was something so gradual none of them really knew how it happened.

It started off with small comments about decoration ideas for the venue, it turns out they both had quite the interest in interior design.

Eventually those small comments became lengthy conversations about which combination of colors would look the best.

When it came down to learning about the nobility attending the wedding on each side, both would spend a little more time together. Studying the proper way on how to address them and their interests all for the possibility in forming new alliances.

But I feel like instead they would roast the hell out of them, like they would be going through a list of the Asgardian nobility that were to attend and Ailey would just point at a picture of a random Asgardian noble and go: "Oh. My. God. what is he even wearing?"

And Loki would try to force back a smile or a laugh but eventually he would just give in and start joining Ailey in the roasting.

They also have a very similar sense of humor, but Ailey is just more blunt and open about it while Loki isn't, I feel like most of the time he has genius comebacks to stupid comments people make but he's a gentleman and normally just keeps it to himself or would only say it in a polite but slightly aggressive manner, so when Ailey just bluntly says something similar to what he was thinking he can't help but laugh a bit (he won't admit to it though)

Other things Ailey and Loki have in common is their love for drama and spectacle, while Ailey is more of a ballet/dance-based plays person, she understands Loki’s enthusiasm for theater and books even sharing some of it herself.

Not only they enjoy these things, but they also found comfort in them: For Ailey ballet began as something her mother forced upon her but transformed in an outlet for her emotions and a way to connect and control her powers.

For Loki theater was a form of escapism since he was a child, every time he felt like he didn’t belong he found a safe place in countless stories of the misunderstood heroes.

This only makes their bond grow deeper; up until this point they never had anyone to talk to about their interests in such depth, so now they talk all the time about it, sometimes they would surprise themselves looking forward to the next meeting just to gush about a new play or book they just saw or read.

I feel like Loki might’ve even lend Ailey some copies of his favorite books and Ailey as a “thank you” decided to sneek out with him to the human realm to watch "Tristan und Isolde".

Everyone is able to notice the change in attitude of these two, especially Thor who only had heard about the girl but could tell how happy she made him every time Loki would mention her.

And he was happy for his brother but felt curious about his soon to be sister-in-law.

So, it was only natural when Thor asked Loki if he could tag along the next time he went to Thera.

He said no.

Thor went anyways.

When Ailey met him, she could only think about one thing: "he himbo" which she thought was cute btw.

Thor could see why Loki liked this girl so much, they were practically the same, which he found sweet yet amusing.

—Lady Ailey, a pleasure to meet you, mi brother has told me a lot about you!—he stated.

—Really?!—Ailey questioned directing an incredulous glance at Loki. 

—He asked­—Loki tried to defend himself by downplaying his brother statement. 

—No, I didn’t.—Thor retaliated with a mocking smile, he could tell his brother felt embarrassed so he decided to tease him a bit more. 

—In fact, he won’t shut up about you. 

—That’s not true, he’s just.. 

—No, he’s all the time saying Ailey this, Ailey that. It peaked my curiosity and so here I am… 

—Brother, Could you shut up?—Ailey could only smile and hold back a laugh at the brothers spontaneous quarrel. 

Truth is she thought it was sweet of Loki to talk about her with his brother. And teases him about it afterwards.

I think Thor might talk privately with Ailey and would ask her to take care of his brother. 

—I know Loki can be a bit…difficult, but have patience with him, I can tell he really likes you. 

And Thor was correct, Loki really did like her. But it might take a while for him to come to terms with his feelings, and would only manifest in small gestures towards Ailey, like: tucking a loose strand of hair behind her ear, subconsciously offering his arm for her to take as support when walking down the stairs, placing a hand on the small of her back as guidance whenever they were in a crowded space, sneaking small glances at her, etc.

Overall, he starts acting a lot softer with her, a lot more caring.

Ailey might be a bit oblivious to this (since she’s only used to overly sexual advances and has a difficult time understanding genuine affection), but she appreciates it none the less.

And both might even find themselves thinking that maybe…just maybe spending the rest of their lives together isn’t a bad idea after all.

[cptsdstudyblr]

Hey, I saw your religious trauma series thing and I was wondering 1) if questions are still open and 2) if I can ask questions even if I wasn't in a cult, technically?? I'm still not sure.

Up until this summer I was in a very bad church environment that made me hate the faith I was raised in. My father is a priest and graduated seminary when I was about six years old. Our first church was too small for him to have a good salary on, he had to get a second job, and people kept leaving so it got to the point where, six or seven years in, we were forced to move. The church we moved to had more priests, so it would maybe ease my dad's role as pastor, but it also had a really bad reputation. It was a community in which, generations ago, but not long enough, it had been controlled by this guy who was ignoring his bishop and the Metropolitan (he's the guy who runs the faith, kinda like the Pope but we're not catholic, we're Antiochian Orthodox Christians) and went on a power trip essentially brainwashing the church. The church ended up splitting up because half of them realized what was wrong and wanted to start their new church across town, while the rest stayed. Skip a few generations, and my father becomes the new pastor of the older church. Because he followed the rules of our religion, and obeyed the bishop, people thought he was too controlling, when it was really the opposite. It was really hard on my family and made me and my siblings start to resent the faith, even though we knew that wasn't the issue. Not to mention, all three of us kids were very uncomfortable with how traditional our faith is about LGBTQ issues and other outdated values, but never felt comfortable talking about it with our parents. I was in this situation from 7th grade to junior year of high school, when we were essentially kicked out because someone close to our bishop tried to paint my dad as a bad pastor. He's still a priest of our new church, but if anything I hate my new church more bc it's someone else at the pulpit, someome I just couldn't agree with. Now I'm almost an adult and I'm scared about how to treat my faith in the future. My parents don't make me go to church anymore bc I came out as nonbinary and talked about some of these issues, and they're very kind and try to be understanding and supportive in the ways they can be. But I'm still very nervous about how to go forward with this, particularly in my relationship with my family and friends who also grew up Orthodox, particularly ones that are more politically conservative. Any tips on processing this?

(sorry about the wall of text haha)

TW: religion, Christianity, cults

I’m so, so sorry it took me so long to answer this. I was out of power for a while due to a natural disaster, and now I’ve been trying to catch up on schoolwork in the aftermath of that. 

Questions are always open on this blog, even if they aren’t relevant! I have a couple more parts I might add to the religious trauma series, but I’m not sure whether I’ll post them at this point.

My biggest advice would be to open up a conversation with your parents first. Obviously, make sure you’re safe and that it won’t blow up in your face, but based on your question it seems like they are pretty supportive of you already. They’ll likely be able to help you with how to approach other people, especially family. They may also have a better idea of how some family members will react and/or may be able to act as mediators or facilitators. 

I’d also recommend talking to them about your boundaries when it comes to religion. For example, talk about how comfortable you are with being asked to attend church for holidays, whether you’re okay with religious music in the car, whether you’re okay with them talking to you about the sermon when they get home, etc. You might not reach a total agreement on boundaries, but it’s good to know where everybody stands on those issues going forwards and might also allow you to compromise in a way that satisfies everyone and avoids potential future discomfort.

Unfortunately, I’m not super familiar with your denomination or situation, so I can’t give much specific advice. However, I’ll give you some general suggestions that worked for me with talking to friends and family about leaving religion.

The biggest thing I can recommend is to avoid framing it as a discussion. What I mean by this is that you need to present it as “This is a choice I’ve made and here’s why. I’d appreciate your support.” Especially when it comes to older relatives, they are likely going to want to change your mind and convince you to come back. Framing your discussion this way may not totally avoid that issue, but it will avoid it coming across as if you’re asking for advice. 

One tactic I used that satiated some family members was to basically say “This is my choice for right now, but it is not totally out of the question that I might return to the faith at some point in the future. Please don’t pressure me to return soon though, because I’m not in a place where I’m ready to consider that and your pressure will likely push me farther away.” I think framing it as though I might come back (even though I almost certainly won’t) made a lot of people feel a little more comfortable with the initial conversation when they might have not been supportive otherwise. This is an approach I’d personally recommend for people who are much more traditional and unwilling to acknowledge that it’s okay to have a difference in beliefs because it gives them permission to accept your current beliefs and still cling to that hope.

Make sure that you have your reasons prepared before any conversations. They will want to know why you are leaving religion, and you need to be prepared to give thorough, good reasons and have a discussion on the reasons. If you’ve clearly thought it through and are familiar with the beliefs of the religion and how they compare to your own beliefs, it will make a lot of people more comfortable with your choice because they can tell you have put a lot of thought into it.

Make it clear that you don’t have any issue with them continuing to practice religion. Be supportive of their choice to stay and try not to act uncomfortable around their expression of religion (unless, of course, it’s hateful or harmful). It’s a two-way street and if you want them to be comfortable with your lack of religion, you need to be comfortable with the presence of religion in their lives.

Best of luck!