#i don't know if it's actually depression bc I always lie in therapy so I don't go anymore but I'm certain there's no other word for it

[vampiromano]

i reckon this process started sometime in late February but my Nothingness is only now Gone and I feel like a Person that Exists again and oy my god finally finally finally

[scentofpines]

my brother visited us today and OH MY GOD AM I GLAD HE'S FINALLY GONE. i cant pinpoint exactly what it is about him but i find him so hard to deal with. he seems very "unproblematic" for lack of a better word and chill and nice etc. but he is also kind of a control freak (in a subtle way) and VERY patronizing and he always inquires (not asks lmao) how i am doing and i always dread this question bc he just won't let it be when i say i'm fine and always sorta wants me to pour my heart out to him?? And I. just dont want to??? Lol. Like today he asked again "how are you?" and I said I'm pretty good BECAUSE I ACTUALLY WAS OK I WAS FEELING WELL and then he was like "yeah? really?" in a very questioning voice ughhhhh. i fucking hate this, it also just feels kind of devalueing to my progress. like i'm having a fairly good time and then there's this dude basically reminding me that i'm supposed to be depressed bc i guess that's just my personality. this doubting thing he always does just pisses me off so bad.

and then later we were just completely casually chill chatting together with my mom and out of fucking nowhere he was like "so what about therapy for you?" and I thought i didn't hear him correctly and I was like????? What the hell are you talking about? And then he just kept saying that i should try therapy again and i was very confused bc it came so suddenly and also i am currently absolutely not planing on doing a therapy. i had my share of experiences with therapists and i'm just not up to it right now. but he was very pressuring like "it could really help you" etc. and kept saying all this shite as if i myself have actually NEVER thought about this. (he is like this very often, for example when my mom and i talk about how we are planning on moving to south west france in the future, he is always like "do you know how complicated it is to move to another country??? do you know how hard it is to take care of a farm???? do you know they speak french there????? do you have brains?" SHUT UUUUPPP) and the thing is when i push back then and voice my opinion of not wanting to do this or, like in the "how r u" situation, insist on being fucking FINE or even just saying or heavily implying that i do not want to talk about this stuff with him it ALWAYS makes me look like i have an even bigger problem because 1) i "lie" about how i'm doing 2) i don't open up about my feelings to anyone 3) i am an idiot that refuses therapy. HE ALWAYS MAKES IT LOOK LIKE THIS with the the way he speaks to me.

I know he means well but it just feels extremely annoying, nosy and infantilizing.

[teawiththegods]

Hey, Jessie.

My name is Bug, They/Them, please❤️

I'm having a really tough time with guilt in regards to Deities, and I was wondering if you might have some advice. Please know that you do not have to answer this if you don't want to for any reason, that is completely fine and I will understand❤️

I recently bought a book on the Norse Deity, Loki, because I wanted to get to know Them better. However, since the beginning of Honouring Loki, I have felt intensely guilty and like I should leave Them alone. I just feel so deeply like They don't love me or want anything to do with me. For reference, I do have Borderline Personality Disorder, Depression, and Complex PTSD, but sometimes I don't feel that these things are what's affecting it.

I love Loki so, so much, and I want to be closer to Them and get to know Them, but I feel so guilty and I don't know how to stop that. I've been in a deep depression for over a month now, and it isn't letting up. Therapy is not helping currently and my last appointment was cancelled. I'm at a loss.

I feel tremendously guilty for buying this book on Loki, and I feel ashamed of wearing the jewellery that I have to remind myself of Them. Like I am not worthy of it.

Because I was the one to introduce myself to Loki rather than Them being the one to reach out, I often feel like an intruder. I feel, ironically, like an outcast. Like I'm just standing in the background in a corner while everyone else is at the table. Like I should just back away, because "They wouldn't notice if I left anyway".

These feelings are very complex.. I just don't know what to do anymore :( I feel very alone.

Hello, Bug! <3

Firstly, I want you to know you're not alone with how you're feeling. Guilt is actually a very common theme among worshipers and prevents many from interacting with their deities. I myself have experienced similar feelings as you.

In my case, understanding that the majority of my feelings of guilt, unworthiness, and fear were directly tied to my mental illnesses, as well as my past trauma, was monumental. I began to realize that I was making assumptions based solely on my past conditioning not on the actual reactions of the gods. I wasn't even allowing them to have any reactions because I had already decided FOR THEM that I wasn't good enough. I was projecting the voices of the past and all my insecurities onto them even though they never once gave me any indication that they felt that way about me. So i basically had to learn to separate my negative thoughts from the gods' actual reactions/words/signs.

Before I go into how I did that I want to offer up a different suggestion which you are of course free to ignore. If you find yourself in a deep depression, now might not be the best time to try and solve this issue. It could absolutely be the very thing you need to help feel better but it could also contribute to your depression so its important you be honest with yourself. Its completely okay to put it to the side and pick it back up again when you feel better, even if it takes a little bit to feel better. Putting pressure on yourself is the last thing you need right now, so please just do whats best for you.

So when I find myself in the "i'm not worthy" space I always ask myself "What did THE GODS do to make me feel this way?" I ask that specific question bc 99.9% of the time (Apollo: It's 100% of the time don't lie to the people!) the gods didn't do anything, its my own shadow at play. And because i've done a lot of trauma work over the past couple of years I know where specific thoughts come from. Do I feel like the gods are gonna abandon me because I'm used to abandonment by this point? Am I doubting my experiences because I was gaslit most of my life? Do I think the gods could never actually love me because I never felt love from my own family? Do I believe the gods will never accept the true me because I've never been accepted truly and wholely? I could go on, but you get the point. Most of the time these negative thoughts we project onto the gods have roots within our past trauma and conditioning. We've been brainwashed to see ourselves and our place in the world a specific way so we of course assume that everyone we come into contact with (divine or not) will perceive us that way. But that's just an assumption, not the truth, especially not for the gods.

Another way to combat these negative thoughts is to remind yourself of the reasons you love your deity. Like I love Apollo because he's giving, caring, determined, kind, generous, wonderful, intelligent, helpful, strong, breathtaking, warm, loving, powerful, thoughtful and extraordinary in every way. Now does that sound like someone who would turn their back on a worshiper? Someone who would go "ew no not you" and vanish? No of course not. That sounds like a deity who loves their followers and who does whatever he can to be there for them. You know most of us aren't going to devote our time, energy, and beings to deities who don't actually give a crap about us. So try to trust in your god and the being you know them to be.

On that note, its also helpful to think back on any experiences you might have had with your deity to further drive home the point that THEY find you worthy of them even if you don't.

Anyway, I hope you find something comforting and/or helpful in these ramblings. Feel better, love and def don't hesitate to pop back into my inbox if you have any more questions or just need a friend! I'm here for you! <3

[phoebehalliwell]

4, 6, 8, 9, 17, 18, 19 (Warren Witches or the Coop/Phoebe rival to lovers fic), 23, and 24! I love ask games and always ask too many at once, sorry 😂

4: Tell me about one of your abandoned WIPs. Why did you abandon it?

I had started a um a Penny/Allen origin fic that involved Penny moving to San Francisco for the first time staying with her aunt bowen there was a familiar there a little cat but it just. i never really got around to it. there was also the phoebe's source baby fic but i'm honestly spoiler alert just gonna loop that in with my calling cupid one idk if that one's gonna be a dency origin story or if i'm going for a new source kids bc idk the source's heir?? what a fun little lad!

6: What are some topics you will never write about?

i mean like. i feel like the obvious one is incest bugs / honestly scares the everloving shit outta me how many chris/wyatt fics are there esp considering how few next gen fics are out there beyond that i don't really know ig i won't know where the line is til i find it but like. what the fuck is wrong with y'all wyatt/chris freaks lmao. y'all are bad people.

8: How do you develop your OCs?

god isn't that a great question. they possess me. but no fr a lot of them come from like. the notion of the bit. like. what would be funniest. like with warren and sheridan i mean they literally came about as a joke like lmao wouldn't it be funny if prue and jack had twins. and then i had a previous idea of the next gen kids world jumping and landing in a parallel universe where p3 still existed and they're like okay where are we gonna find the witches we need to find and then parker just points to a poster for a band called the w!tches like call it a hunch but. and i'm like i should use that. and then i said okay which name is less punk rock and i'm like no the idea of warren being in a rock band too cool it must be sheridan. and then i needed a band i specifically remembering calling my buddy rose who edits all my stuff and i formed the band with them on the line rose actually drew them as i spoke that drawing might still exist somewhere. and then for warren he needed to be not sheridan so initially i was thinking hotel management bc my mom almost majored in that and lets be honest its not very punk rock but i wasn't sold on it but then it's like. okay well i also have mentally illness so goes it. and so like sheridan you know. has a death wish. he's not gonna kill himself bc that's gonna depress everyone too much but he can't wait to die he needs to go down fighting so people can be like wow sheridan so brave gone too soon and then you don't have to worry about your future or getting better because your dead. #lifehack. btw if you think like this deadass you need to be in therapy. but. great character motivation. so if sheridan wants to die, warren should want to live. sheridan's got his plan he's gonna be in a punk rock band and then die young. warren wants to grow old but he doesn't know. what he's going to do. he studies history to better know the craft. he's going to get a graduate degree in it to better know the craft. (lie. he's getting a graduate degree because he's terrifies to move forward, to actually live his life. sheridan lives because he believes he's going to die tomorrow. warren doesn't. his actions have consequences, how is he going to move forward? so rather than attempt to do that, he stays in academia, he stays in stasis, because then he doesn't actually have to face his future.) so yeah. foils. lots of foils. if a is this, then b should be that in contrast. basically everything is formed out of relationships. parental, fraternal, plantonic, romantic, like. that's the meat of it. that and whatever's funniest.

9: Are there any fics you’d love to see but don’t want to write yourself? What are they?

that's a good question. i'm so bad at actually writing things. i really want to also do my prandy kids and the magical morrises and honestly shane and abel since one anon brought them back up I Love next gen kids but beyond that i'd love to see more phoebe/coop fics and paige/henry fics and also honestly phoebe/leslie and prue/jack and like more wildcard piper/kyle obvi lol paige/jinny. it's just. there's so much i Want to write but like. won't lol. i want to. but. know theyself. i probably won't.

17: What has been the proudest moment for you so far since you started writing?

idk man i'm really proud of how far i've made it in my next gen fic and honestly warren and sheridan too love those boys they appear in my dreams a lot. and it's like. this shit it's like almost at the length of a novel you know? and i'm just. i used to write a shitton as a kid i was never able to finish anything tho but with these i've made it so far and i feel like i've come so close and it's genuinely stuff that i personally enjoy reading and it's just. i went through a really long phase when you know #itsmentolillnussluv and i couldn't write so to be back adn to have these characters that live within me i just. isk it makes me happy.

18: Do you feel like your work gets enough recognition? What kind of feedback do you like to receive?

i mean. "recognition??" like probably. but i don't think it really gets seen as much as i would like it too bc you know. it's so niche. idk i do kinda wanna someday publish these stories you know w&s and dency and stuff bc i just. i like sharing stories. i like when people like my stories when they like my characters bc they're my little buddies it's like when you throw a party that overlaps your social circles and it goes really well and you just glow a little because everyone likes each other like <3. but no i love love love love love receiving comments on my work or when people are like can i use your characters in fics like omg that always means so much to me lol like i always try to make my stories you know stories that people can sit in that like. you know. like um wrap yourself in a blanket all cozy like or use that like as like a blanket fort with little fairy lights something fun and sweet and safe and like. idk. you know?

19: 15 words to describe the aesthetic of [insert fic].

lipstick stains on cheeks, rosy perfume, dizziness, soft lights, looking away when you laugh, love

23: What’s one piece of advice you would give to anyone who wants to start writing or posting their writing online?

just like. like it. like what you’re writing. and if you don’t like it. ditch it! write something you look forward to writing, something you wanna talk about, something that you like daydream about what you’re gonna do next with. like. bc it’s free man, aint nobody paying you to do this. so just do what you want to do. unless its writing incest fic. then you should just shut the fuck up and reflect.

24: Which fic of yours do you wish people would ask about more? Why?

idk all of them lol i Love to talk <3

[moons-and-stars-and-shit]

Hii! May i ask for a slice of cake? (If you can ofc)

So im a INFP-T virgo im also 4"11 i have dark brown hair it because wayy lighter near the sun. Also dark brown eyes my hair is cut kinda like a shag like the front is cut but the back isn't (bc of my parents) my style is grunge ig? Im very inlove with fairy style Smm but because im broke i cant really fulfil my love for that style (also probably because of my parents). My body is???? Okay my boobies are medium size and no unfortunately I don't have a fat ass 😕 im not chubby but at the same time im not skinny. Like the most fat goes to my tummy I get rolls when I sit down bath blah you get my point (im pretty insecure about it lolol). One of my two main dreams is to study abroad and become an interior decorator.

I dont know how to describe my personality but I will try. My best friend always tells me that my sense of humour is downhill BAD. I would laugh at the dumbest shit ever for example i laughed one of those pixilated bugs pics with random names on the bottom 💀 also I laugh at my own trauma and stuff that shouldn't be laughed at. I kinda have anger issues 😕 I get unmotivated pretty easily. I rant to my best friend alot and she says that im ✨depressed✨ and have ✨anxiety✨ and that i need therapy. Im scared to rant to my parents because im "too young and its just my hormones". Something that I found out about myself this year is i have chill tics 😦 (from anxiety). Outside im nice and sweet but on the inside my mind is just saying other things. Im SOMETIMES cold and say what's on my mind but thats to my close ones like my mom dad or friends. I dont lie going Outside alot I think school is kinda useless. I like to draw and listen to music my fav artist are mother mother and mitski.

I hope i didn't say TOO much anyway thank youu I hope you have/had a great day :)

🍰 for @shotosimp2

Romantic Matchup

Oikawa Tooru

How yall met

Ok im ngl

Y'all had know clue who each other were

Well that's a lie

Of course you knew who Oikawa was

But you just didn't care

Now Oikawa always saw you around school

You know...in the school uniform

But one day

He saw you outside of school in all of your grunge glory

And apart of him was like bitch wtf

And the other was like ok queen i see you 😗

So he approached you and complimented your outfit

And you said thanks and then ran off to wherever you were heading

Wait

You just said thanks???

No fan girling????

Not even a blush??????

Nothing????????????

OIKAWA.EXE HAS STOPPED WORKING

Ok he would understand that reaction if you were just a stranger on the street

But you went to school with him?

So you had to know who he was right?

Yeah my mans had a whole ass crisis because you didn't have a bigger reaction

The next day he went to Iwa and told him about his interaction with you

And he was just like not everyone was to like you ya know

Oikawa: >:o

Then Iwa had a brilliant idea

Get this

Maybe

Oikawa should BEFRIEND you before expecting you to want to talk to him

Wild theory I know

So now Oikawa had a new goal

Befriending you

It actually wasn't that hard since you both had a lot of classes together

Soon enough you guys became close friends

And oikawa was happy with just being your friend

At least...he thought he was

But everything changed when you told him you were going to study abroad for 3 months

And even though you had each others numbers

Everything without you just seemed so dull

Omg

Did he really have feelings for you?

The more time that passed by the more he was sure that he liked you

Like LIKED liked you

So the day you came back to Japan is when he confessed to you

And well you'd be lying if you said you hadn't caught feelings for him too

So you said yes

What they love about you

He loves how normal you treat him

Now hell admit when he first met you he kinda wanted you to treat him like a celebrity

Expected it even

But the more time he spent around you

The more he realized how much he liked being treated normally

Ok screw what your friend says

He loves your humor!

Yall will laugh at the dumbest shit

If we were to look at you and Oikawa's messages

85% of it would be dumb ass memes

And honestly

This boy makes jokes about his trauma too

“Hey Y/N you wanna hear a joke?”

“Sure”

“My existence”

“...”

“...”

“Ayyyyy”

“Ayyyyy”

He loves how easy it is to talk to you

Like he's told you things he hasn't even told Iwa before

And Iwa is his CHILDHOOD BESTIE

So yeah

Trust between you two

ASTRONOMICAL

What you love about them

You love how supportive he is

If you say you wanna do something

He is right behind you cheering you on

You could tell him you want to commit arson

And he'd just be like

Period queen ill bring the gasoline 💅

You can always count on this man to be in your corner

Speaking of

You can always count on oikawa period

Which is another thing that you love about him

If oikawa is anything

He is a man of his word

If he says hes gonna do something

You know he's gonna do it

He's just overall a really reliable person

You love how he just seems to motivate you to do better

Fr after you guys started dating your grades went

Partly because you felt like you needed to compete with him

But mostly because he just motivates and pushes you to do better

And if you do improve on something

He is HYPING you up

“That's my baby! I knew you could do it!”

Favorite things to do together

Yall love to just go to the store and window shop

Im sorry but yall are some broke hoes

So most of the time it's just you guys trying on clothes in the dressing room

Taking pictures of your outfits

Then leaving

Yeah the store employees kinda hate you…

But who cares what they think

And if you two do have some pocket cash you'll buy one or two things

Then blow the rest of your money on that good mall food

Cause why not

Random Hc

He makes fun of your guys height difference ALL THE TIME

But like, can you blame him????

You're not even 5 feet tall!!!

“Imagine being the size of a 10 year old, couldn't be me”

Imagine being taller than the national average height 😐, couldn't be me”

“Touche”

He let you dress him up as an E-Boy ONCE

Ngl tho he dug the eyeliner look 😗

He called you every day while you were studying abroad

He even sent you a oikawa plushie

You may or may not have sent him a video of you drowning it

When you came back to Japan he legit TACKLED you in the middle of the airport

Astrology

Virgo + Cancer

Compatibility 80%

Cancer and Virgo can have a wonderful connection and are usually brought together by sexual understanding.

The main problem of their relationship is in the possible conflict between emotional Cancer and reasonable Virgo.

If they manage to overcome this, accepting each other’s shortcomings and learning to incorporate some rationality or some emotion into their lives, they could end up in an inspiring relationship that will last for a very long time.

In a way, they complement each other as much as the heart complements the mind.

If they share a spark of love, it would be a shame to miss the opportunity for happiness just because of someone’s irrational expectations or someone’s closed heart.

If someone can help Virgo build their trust, it is their Cancer partner.

Although Cancer is a cardinal sign, they are stable by nature, especially when it comes to emotional decisions they have made.

If they have chosen Virgo to be their loving partner, they will have no reason to lie or cheat.

This behavior would only endanger their vision of a shared life and a loving family they want with the partner they chose.

This is also a reason why Cancer won’t have an initial problem with trusting Virgo.

Their convictions are stronger than their doubt.

Overall Aesthetic

Grunge Glamour ✨

Songs -

Tia tamera (Doja Cat)

Verbratem (mother mother

Literal Legend (Ayesha Erotica)

Hayloft (mother mother)

Stupid (ashnikko)

[shxxtingstarss]

burning pile of shit

Mentally I'm in a really dark place right now. I don't know if it's been this dark before, similar yes, but the problem now is it's been going on for so many weeks/months already, I'm starting not to care anymore. I just dissociate my way through it I guess. Although I do wake up everyday and think to myself "just one more day, you just have to make it through one more bad day, you can do that". Yeah, how many bad days can there possibly be left... a lot of them obviously. Looking back at the bad times in my teens doesn't make it better either, knowing that this will be how my life goes. My habit of working as much as possible so that I don't have to think or feel the other stuff doesn't work anymore btw, I'm now either breaking down or dissociating all day, only a hollow body of existence left.

Not knowing when or if these feelings will ever stop, not knowing if these episodes / "downs" will last longer than the short ups in between. Not knowing if the ~1.5 years of almost no symptoms will be the only time in my life I had without being symptomatic af or if it can actually go back to that. Also not knowing how bad it will still get, bc looking at my symptoms and the intensity of them it definitely has never been this bad before. The frequency and intensity of dissociative symptoms, paranoid ideation, short phases of psychotic episodes.. together with the incomprehensible high level of inner tension and anger, sadness, hurt, excruciating emptiness and so on.

Speaking of inner tension, my intense neck/back/shoulder/head tension pain episodes are back too. There were pain peaks where I couldn't to anything but lie on the floor of my apartment and cry. For hours. I could've moved, I was not paralized (like I am in dissociative episodes sometimes, yay), but I didn't have the energy left. The constant intense pain that I have in these episodes is incredibly draining, I don't have the words to properly express it. It's not just the intensity of the pain though (which is way too high for normal painkillers too btw), it's the fact that it lasts for hours or days.

I am extremely exhausted, have been before already, and the pain episodes just give me the rest. Yesterday I've been sitting on the couch in intense pain and the suicidal thoughts (that I got from the pain on top of all the rest) have been getting loud again. It's not that I'm not kind of used to suicidal thoughts at this point, but being suicidal because of the intense physical pain you're feeling instead of emotional/psychological pain is a whole new thing for me. The bottle of metamizole in my desk that could easily kill me didn't make it better either. Of course both kinds of pain are working together and I've been suicidal quite often in the last months without the pain already, bc honestly, what the actual fuck should I do on this burning pile of shit.

It's not just that my personal life and health are shit (now that I'm thinking about it I've relapsed in pretty much every way possible, my ED says hi every few weeks and I've also vomited after meals multiple times, lost weight bc of depression and no appetite but also bc of my ED, cut myself multiple times and even started carrying around a blade again, but honestly didn't care very much bc all the other stuff around was way worse), the world is and always was a burning pile of shit since humans are destroying it for centuries already. Yes, my perception is pretty biased at the moment because I am experiencing a quite severe depressive episode (that is also why I wasn't writing anything, no texts after therapy etc, even though there were very interesting therapy sessions in the last weeks and I def want to start doing that again). - But - it's not like my depression has to make up bad things, it just shifts my focus towards them, and when I'm not depressed my focus is shifted more towards the good things in life (how else would you live in this society for over 80 yrs). Still, I def have a worse place to start a life from than many other humans that are currently struggling too bc of all the stuff happening on earth. Not just the usual hatred, violence etc, it's also the doom of climate change we're all facing, the stupidity of ppl that don't want to go out of their lazy-ass comfort zone and do sth against it, natural catastrophies already happening more frequently... and as if all of this wasn't enough, we as a species are smart enough to build tools and do incredibly cool things with them in scientific research, we can also use all of that knowledge and be dumb enough to make weapons with it. And then be dumb enough to also use these weapons in personal conflicts, mass shootings or even wars. What is wrong with us, seriously? I honestly can't comprehend it how people can be poor or desperate enough to sign up for killing other people in war. I don't get it and I don't want to get it, I just want it to stop, even though I know this is a very simple statement for a very complicated topic. I want it all to stop, there's already enough bullshit going on inside of my head, why does the world around me need to take part in this bullshit and crumble down around me.

Great, now I sound like I'm overly sorry for my privileged little ass who can sit on a proper chair in a warm apartment and type down this random bullshit aka my thoughts. Well, even all these privileges of living in a state where you're not doomed when you're coming out of a completely broken and insane family like mine, I can study at a university etc, all these privileges aren't that helpful when you're missing out on the greatest privilege of all, health. If I wasn't sick in the head, I'd be using my braincells, which are said to have a lot of potential, for my degree in chemistry and my part-time job in research in physical chemistry. I really love science, but I'm also starting to partially hate it. How could a scientist, a human being, ever use all of his ideas and research to invent and build something as destructive as a nuclear bomb, so that decades later millions of people feel threatened by the thought of a nuclear attack and/or nuclear winter on earth. I know, maybe you think the same, "at least it's over then". Yes, it would be, humanity would probably "be over" too, which might even be a good idea thinking about it. But my egoistic little ass thinks about all the work I put into the hope of mental wellbeing or sanity, and the bullshit I had to endure for years. But yes, at least it would *all* be over then, also the violence and terror in my head. Probably.

So obviously that's not the problem, the problem is going on with life. Being alive in this shitshow and trying to find a path through all of it, the shit in my head and the shit on the planet (called humanity). My turn to figure out a way I guess. Or a way out. We'll see.