#i don't know how to explain to myself that the amount of pages in the book does not matter

[hexjulia]

caught myself thinking Gaskell's North & South was 'too big' to read on my ereader(??). what did i mean by this.

[seospicybin]

TOO HOT TO HANDLE.

PART I

Felix x reader. (s)

Too Hot To Handle Masterlist

Synopsis: You and Felix become contestants in a reality dating show, Too Hot To Handle. (15,4k words)

Author's note: It's kind of experimental turning this into a fanfic but hope you enjoy it. Part II will be out next week x

Content warning: This is entirely a work of fiction and not affiliated with real Too Hot To Handle show.

YOU: I think physical appearance is not that important. It's all about confidence. [flips hair] I think all women should carry their self with confidence, stand tall, and always strive to be better. 

But when you look at me, I'm pretty much a smoke show [laughs] I'd date myself if I could [laughs]

My ideal type is someone with a distinct charm. I'd love to see a tattoo or two on a man and someone who knows how to keep it exciting, cause I get bored easily [blows kisses to the camera]

-

Desperate times call for desperate measures.

That's why you accept your cousin's offer in exchange for money that would save you from getting kicked out of your apartment and from dropping out of college.

She was in a desperate time too when she reached out to you as one of the contestants decided to drop out of the reality show she worked in as the casting director.

Guess desperate times reached out to each other.

But you, as a nobody with less than a hundred followers on Instagram and you believe half of them are bots, have no experience of being in front of the camera, doubting that you'll do well in it.

Other than that, you think reality shows are just a waste of time, they have no educational value but dumb people down.

But what option do you have? You're broke, jobless, and a week away from being homeless when the offer came.

"What's the reality show about again?" You ask your cousin, Sara.

She rolls her eyes at you, it's probably the umpteenth time you asked her about it again. "It's on the description."

It's on the pile of papers she gave you but you're too lazy to read that many pages written in small fonts with single spaces.

You have to bring it close to your face to read it.

A group of determined singles visit paradise to meet, mingle, and remain celibate for their chance to win $200,000.

"So..." you stop reading after seeing the amount of money you can win from it, "it's basically a dating show."

"Yes," she answers, "but... you will not be allowed to kiss or touch or have sex."

"Oh, thank God!" You let out a long sigh of relief.

Yes, you need the money but knowing that you don't have to do such things for a reality show makes you feel relieved. At least when one of your peers knows, you wouldn't have to be embarrassed about it. You can say you did it for the experience, but spare the part that you did it for quick money.

Another question pops into your head, "But then... how are we going to date each other if we're not allowed to kiss or touch and whatnot?" 

Sara smiles at you, "See? That's the catch!"

She gets all excited in a second, "you have to resist each other from going at it," she further explains as her eyes turn a little loopy.

"Oh, so they'll be sex in it?"

She chuckles, "Maybe yes. Maybe not. Who knows?"

That's a vague answer and you still don't get how she would make money from making a reality show but doubtfully giving people what they want.

It's not like you're in it to actually find someone to date. You agree to join because she promised you more money once the shooting is done.

You're going to stay at a gorgeous villa on an island with a few people and try not to be in each other's pants, which is not what you intend to do in the first place.

What's so hard about it anyway? 

-

Wow!

You might have missed the part that you have to be dressed in provocative swimwear and show as much skin as possible in the papers Sara gave you.

However, there's this one motto that always works to make you through the day.

Fake it till you make it and you have no other option but to fake it.

Your hair is styled into loose waves to make it look like you've been spending time at the beach and thankfully, you're allowed to do your own make-up. You put on a simple one, put a little blush on your cheek, and a layer of shiny gloss over your lips.

You changed into a two-piece bikini and look at yourself in the mirror.

Damn, you don't even have to fake it anymore. You look hot and you think that's why they still passed you as a contestant despite knowing that Sara is a relative of yours.

The first segment of the reality show is contestants entering the villa one by one, but in your case, you have to do it with another gorgeous girl.

"I'm Maeve," she introduced herself in a cute Irish accent.

You might or might have not just checked her out from head to toe before shaking her hand back to introduce yourself back.

You're taller than her but that's what makes her cute. She has that pretty dirty blonde hair and a nice smile, exuding a very positive vibe. You like her already.

The staff gives you the cue to start walking into the gravel path that leads to the villa while the cameras take you from every angle possible to capture your best features.

By best features, you mean your breasts and boobs, anything that possibly makes people think that's how a perfect body should be.

You are against female objectification but again, what other choice do you have? Giving up your principles just so you can live another day in this capitalist world.

Cheers welcoming both of you as the other contestants that have made their entrance before you, watching you step into the scene.

You can feel their eyes on you, either in envy or lust or things in between. You introduce yourself around with hugs and kisses, which is not how you usually introduce yourself.

Once they handed you a welcome drink which is a glass of warm champagne from being under the sun too long, it's when you see each one of them better.

Your confidence deflates in an instant because they're all way hotter and sexier than you. They look good in their bikinis and their hair is perfectly tousled like they rolled out of bed looking that gorgeous.

You're not just talking about the female contestants, the male too are incredibly stunning, their abs are on display since they're only wearing swimming trunks, their skins glowing under the sun.

You find yourself fanning your neck just from stealing glances at it.

"Hot, huh?" The other girl asks you, one with a perfect bone structure and full lips.

You lightly chuckle, "Everyone in here is hot," you carefully with what you said, aware that a mic is attached to your body.

"I know right?" She says with a flirty smile.

After a moment, you learn her name is Laura and she's the epitome of a hot girl. She has the perfect hair, perfect body, perfect nails, and even the way her hair parted is perfectly in the middle. Other than that, Laura, like other pretty girls, has it easy in her life, she's a social media influencer with 300k-something followers and said she's here for 'shit and giggles', her words, not yours.

A lot more male contestants enter the villa and everyone refills their champagne flutes as the temperature raises. You can't tell if it's because you're so close to the beach or there's just a lot of heat in here, or it could be that you're panicking inside and try not to show it.

Your cousin Sara is wrong about one thing.

There's not just one catch, they're all a catch and you can't do anything about them.

-

YOU: I feel like I'm in an ice cream shop and they have all of my favorite flavors. Vanilla, chocolate, salted caramels, cookies, and cream... [bites thumb] I just can't wait to have a scoop of each flavor [chuckles]

-

After the introduction and draining six bottles of champagne in the process, everyone is allowed to explore the place, get familiar with each other, and mingle.

Well, of course, you have to do your part, be flirty with them but you don't intend to go into that yet. Not when your confidence level is at its lowest that you can't even fake it anymore.

You sit by the lounge chair by the beach, enjoying the view of the beach while trying to ignore all the cameras filming you.

One of the cameramen suddenly got closer to get an angle when you notice that one of the male contestants is coming to the beach and you see no one else there but you.

Suddenly, you feel alarmed, immediately check your appearance, and got you wondering why that is your first reaction. This never happens in real life.

"Hi," he says, sitting on the other lounge chair next to you.

You raise yourself from the longue chair, supporting the back of your head with a cushion.

"Hi," you finally say back, trying to sound calm yet sultry like how Laura speaks.

You notice that he speaks in an accent that you can't quite decipher its origin, "may I know what accent is that?"

"It's French, but I do speak German as well," he says.

"And English," you point out.

He chuckles, "That too!"

"I learn that everyone has an exotic accent while I'm here with the most basic accent," you say and it surprises you how well you're doing at being an obnoxious reality show star.

He smiles, showing his perfectly good teeth, "Nah, I think you're cute."

And surprises yourself again at how receptive you are, smiling at his compliment. You laugh to yourself as you try to remember his name, everyone introduced themselves too quickly earlier and gave you no time to memorize them.

"I'm sorry. What's your name again?"

"Alex," he says, taking another step towards you as if he wasn't standing close enough.

Alex is super tall, super attractive, muscles in all the right places and you have never cared about such things in a man before. Alex has nice brown skin and soft curly hair, he's charming in a way that subtly grows in you.

"Well, Alex, how come you're so tall?" You playfully ask him, holding your champagne flute close to your face.

"I play basketball," he answers.

You click your tongue in awe and at the same time, feel afraid that Alex has raised your standards of men to a whole new level.

-

YOU: Alex is hot. Isn't that obvious? That French accent ooh... [whistles] and he plays basketball. He's like a tall glass of water and I'm super thirsty.

-

He's hot, he's tall, he speaks three languages, and he also plays sports. What else can he do? You wonder...

"What about you?" He asks.

You think for a moment, "Well, I only speak English," you answer with giggles.

He leans forward and puts his elbows on his knees, looking at you with an intense stare.

"I can speak cat language too if that counts," you add.

He raises an eyebrow at you, "So you're a cat person, huh?"

"Yes, I am."

"I see..." he says, looking at you with an even more intense stare, "you like to be spoiled, huh?"

You turn to lay on your side to show him the curve of your body and bite your lower lip as you bravely stare back at him, "who doesn't like to be spoiled?"

Alex licks his lip as you catch him glancing at your lips, he thought of kissing you for sure but has no idea what stops him.

"What animal person are you?" You ask as the conversation starts to dry up.

He props a hand under his chin, "Why don't you guess?"

You tap your lips with your index finger to subtly tease him, "A puma?" You wildly guess.

He laughs, "Why?"

"I got the impression that you're wild, can't be tamed," you say whatever it is crossed your head at that moment.

You don't think Alex would care anyway with what you're saying because all he can think about is whether he should kiss you or not.

"Am I right? Or am I not wrong?" You dare him by closing the gap a few inches short.

Yet he remains in his seat and you're getting bored of waiting already. You retreat from keeping this going and sit up on the longue chair.

"I think I have to start getting ready for the party," you excuse yourself.

You're not proud that you're back to being such a bitch who plays with men but gosh, something about this reality show that brings out the bad girl in you.

-

YOU: Perhaps it's too early for him to get his move on someone. I think he wants to keep his options open and that's what I'm doing as well, I want to get to know a few of them and see if I... uh can have some fun.

-

The males are already waiting at the beach for the party.

The females are taking longer time to get ready because there is so much to do, hair, make-up and even putting fake acrylic nails.

You have lived as a woman for twenty-three years but only realized now how exhausting it is to be one. Not that you don't like it but people oftentimes don't give women enough credit for it.

"Come here, you sexy!" One of the males says.

Wow. What a way to impress a woman!

Everyone is sitting on the benches set around a bonfire and drinking cocktails with umbrellas in them, sipping and talking, checking each other out in secret or not so secret

A player recognizes another player so there's no use for all contestants to play naive, pretending that they're just here to sit around bonfire and make friends.

Everyone knows that they're here to get wild and becomes famous by doing it on a reality show. Except you thought, you don't want to go that far.

"Icebreaker time!" Says the girl with brunette hair and rosy cheeks. You believe her name is Heidi.

"Each one of us will take turns to stand in the middle with a blindfold on and anyone can do anything to that person. In the end, they have to guess who did it," she explains but more like babbling around the words while seductively chuckling in between words.

You don't get what she's saying but try to learn the game by watching as she takes the first turn to set an example. Heidi is a total babe, it's impossible if no one wants to have a piece of her.

A male comes up to her and has a deep kiss that put everyone to shame. One look and you can tell that it's one hell of a kiss. You sip the drink you've been holding in your hand.

Your heart is drumming the closer it gets to your turn, afraid that someone does things with you but it would be more embarrassing if no one does things with you.

So far, everyone at least has a kiss or a smooch, Laura even lets a guy touch her ample bosoms. You haven't made a move yet and it's kind of a requirement that you show your wild side because that's the idea of the show.

It's Jamie or that's what you remember his name is. He's taking his turn and putting a blindfold on, he looks gorgeous wearing a white shirt and short pants.

Jamie has glowing tan skin and six-pack abs, his hair must have skipped months of a haircut but rocking it all right. He keeps brushing his hair to the back, knowing that it looks better when it's messy.

You take a glance at everyone and none of them seem to make a move on him, impulsively, you get up from the stool and come up to him.

It's when you stand in front of him you have no idea what to do with him or more like, you have tons of ideas of what you want to do but can't choose one.

Everyone else is watching from their seats in anticipation, you shut down your brain from thinking and just go with it. You stand on your tiptoe and kiss him on the neck, covering your lips once you're done to not give him any clue that it's you who kissed him.

You run back to your seat and see what his reaction is once he takes his blindfold off. Next, Jamie has to guess who is it and to avoid looking suspicious, you calmly sip your drink and watch him guess who did it.

After taking too much time observing, he gives up, "I don't know. But whoever it is, I kind of want more," he says.

You try to remain calm and take another sip, looking anywhere but not in his direction.

It's finally your turn, your heart is beating faster and you wonder if the audio guy can hear it too with the mic resting around your neck.

Taking a quiet deep breath, you tie the blindfold over your eyes and around your head. You can only hope for the best now and block every insecurity that tries to reside in your head.

"Ooh..." everyone coos in unison and that only means someone is coming or about to do things to you.

Nervous, you clench and unclench your fists to calm yourself. Then a pair of hands gently cup your face and tilts your head upward.

Not ready for it, this mysterious person kisses your open mouth and proceeds to kiss you more, using his tongue in the most pleasurable way to taste you.

Damn! He's a good kisser and you reflexively respond to his kisses with your hands holding theirs. For a split second, you forget that you're in the middle of shooting a reality show and everyone is going to watch it.

You gasp the second they let go and have you fixing your lipstick because there's no way that phenomenal kiss not smudging it.

"Whoa. Can barely think after that kiss," you shamelessly tell everyone as you act drunk as you walk back to your seat.

Sipping your drink, you secretly assess everyone and try to guess which one of them kissed you. They're all hot anyway, it's not a loss to kiss one of them and you didn't know why you were fussing about it earlier.

Since Laura is taking the last turn and everyone seems to be whipped by her, you can see that all the male contestants anticipated this. You bet they're lining up to get a kiss from her.

It takes only a few seconds for anyone to make a move, the first one to have it is Daniel with half of his body covered in tattoos. He has a lean body and that bad boy attitude, he confidently strides to kiss Laura on the lips, so hard that she gasps in surprise.

You find yourself clapping at two people doing lewd things in front of a group of people. When you think Daniel is the only one succeeding in having a piece of Laura, another one takes his turn.

You almost scoff seeing Alex holds her by the neck and kisses her so deeply. Instant turn off, all those charms he has seems to be wiped off your head in a second.

-

YOU: Well, now we all know why Alex didn't kiss me [laughs] He likes someone else and that's good, I'll stop chasing him from here [sucks air through teeth] and on to the next one! [Raises hand triumphantly]

-

Moving on to the next segment, you prepare yourself for your act.

Sara is nice enough to let you know what the show is really about. When you ask everyone else, they believe that they're on a dating show and are here for partying and having fun and such.

Well, until... the cone-shaped talking pops out of its hiding and stops the party and the fun altogether.

"Hi, I'm Lana, and welcome to Too Hot Too Handle!"

Everyone stops talking and turns serious while deep inside you will find pleasure from their pain.

"You have been specially selected because you are all choosing meaningless sex over genuine relationships."

"That's true, though!" One of the males says and the other chuckles along.

"The purpose of this retreat is to help you gain deeper emotional connections in your personal relationships."

Daniel seems to be taking the news badly, "I'm not here for that!" He comments.

"As always, there are conditions to your stay here. You must abstain from sexual practices for the entirety of your stay."

Everyone is groaning in frustration, covering their eyes as if not having sex will make them die.

"No kissing. No heavy petting. And no sex of any kind."

More groans are spilling out of everyone's mouth.

"This also applies to self-gratification."

Wait! You didn't know that you'll not be allowed to touch yourself. Your body and you can't do anything about it.

-

YOU: The second I saw Lana, I know it's bad. But I didn't know it's that bad. Can't even touch myself? What?

-

"However, to aid your development, I've increased the prize fund to $200.000."

That one gets everyone hyped and jumping in excitement, including you. Thinking of that much money, you can shrug all your financial problems away. 

"Each time the rules are broken, money will be deducted from the prize fund."

But this one gets you down immediately, there's a possibility that no money will be left with all these horny people locked in a villa together.

"Everyone, welcome to the retreat!"

"Ugh!"

-

YOU: Everyone is pissed off, including me. But you know, something about being told not to do something only makes me want to do it [bites lip]

-

No, you're not pissed off about it. Sex is something you can easily avoid doing, you just need to keep it in your pants and that's what you're going to do.

You want the prize so much and want to put your focus solely on that.

"How do you feel, babe?" Maeve asks while putting her wavy hair into a messy bun.

You're cleaning up your make-up with her with Heidi in the room, "I'm super bummed!" You lie.

"I'm here to have fun so... I'll continue to do that," Heidi eggs on the conversation.

Maeve nods in agreement, "Right!"

Going to the bedroom, you see the next struggle and that is choosing your bed. A few of them have chosen partners to share the bed with. You don't want to choose yet so you nudge Maeve's elbow, "Want to share a bed?"

She smiles at you, "I thought you'd never ask," she answers.

Everyone else is on the bed and you look around, catching someone staring at you from across your bed. It's Jamie.

"It's you," he points at you.

You raise an eyebrow at him and mouthed, "What?"

He turns his head to the side and shows his neck, "the kiss."

Instead of answering, you slump down the bed and giggle behind the duvet. You bet he can tell from the color of the lipstick mark.

However, from all the males you see, you can't guess yet which one of them kissed you. Alex can't be it, he's sharing the bed with Laura and looking comfortable there.

That leaves Jamie, Daniel, Cole, and Felix. It could be Jamie but...

"Goodnight, babe!" Maeve says as the lights are turned off for the night.

"Night, beautiful!" You greet back and you silently thank her for stopping you to think about boys when you should be thinking about the money.

Eyes on the prize.

-

The first day and you wake up feeling so disoriented. It's the timezone, the weather, and the blinding sun that greets you the moment you get out of the bedroom.

They provide swimwear in the closet for everyone to wear besides your own clothes. You pick a pair and put on your make-up after with Laura and Alex, not sure if either of them is trying to make you jealous.

It's the first day of the rules applied and you already need to remind yourself of the prize fund.

"Who do you like?" You curiously ask Maeve as you're in the pool together with Jamie.

"I like Felix," She answers without a beat.

It's an obvious answer. If this show has two main characters they would be Laura and Felix. The males go for Laura and the females for Felix. You haven't had time to speak to Felix in person then again, everyone in here is attractive. 

"I think he's just so hot and cute," Maeve adds.

Jamie splashes her with water, "you're blushing!"

Maeve giggles and splashes water back at him, "what about you? What is your type?"

You didn't expect she'll turn the table at you and that you're like a rabbit about to get hit by a car.

"Come on, you can say it. Brunette with a British accent, nice smile, nice hair," Jamie playfully says with a grin at you.

Maeve chuckles then comments, "I think you two look cute together!"

-

YOU: I think Jamie is cute, he's a goofball. We share a vibe and he always smells so good [laughs] I can't say anything yet but yeah, let's see.

-

There are five males and five females, everyone can pair up and be a couple but things don't work out that way. There are so many things to consider like chemistry and connection, etcetera. However, you believe everyone is just waiting for someone to break the rules to go further.

That seems to be plausible with Lana throwing a party tonight.

"We're matching!" Jamie says.

You chuckle seeing that the only matching thing you have with him is the color of the pants you're wearing.

"You look beautiful," he compliments.

You tease him by jutting your ass at him and looking over your shoulder while batting your eyes at him, "Thank you!"

Doesn't want to be tempted, he turns your body around and puts his arm around you to lounging outside. You bet that he will use the opportunity to tell you about his intention.

You haven't been in relationships for so long that you forget how nerve-wracking it is.

"Cheers!"

"Cheers!" You clink your glass with him before taking a sip.

The sky is so pretty and clear tonight that you can see the stars like pinpricks on the night sky. The breeze is warm and salty, it's not good for your hair, you spent almost an hour straightening your hair and it's ruined in ten minutes.

"So do you have anyone you like?" Jamie asks.

You put your glass away and shake your head, "Nah, not yet."

He stares deeply into your eyes, "well, I like you," he suddenly admits.

"Like it isn't obvious," you jokingly say.

He laughs and licks his lips which makes you glance at his lips, it's round and full, glistening wet. You look away before it gets too creepy.

"You're gorgeous and easygoing and so fun to be around," he starts by complimenting you.

You don't know how he can have that conclusion when you only know each other for one day, you go along with him and nod, "Yeah, I agree."

He shifts on the seat and leans in close, putting his arm on the back of your head, "You're the first that caught my eyes when I came."

It's hard to know if Jamie said that in all honesty or to merely impress you. You saw how Alex jumped from one girl to another in a span of a few hours so you can't just trust his words.

Remember that they're all here for a reason, they're horny and emotionally unavailable. Sadly, that's what your types are for the last few months.

"I was hoping you'd compliment me more," you joke.

He throws his head back as he cracks a laugh, "I think it's your time to compliment me back."

You fold your legs on the sofa and put a cushion on your lap to play with the lint to keep your brain stimulated, to prevent you from zoning out midway.

You look at him as he looks back at you with hopeful eyes, "I think you're absolutely fit, you have a nice smile and are tall enough—"

"Tall enough?" He asks, a little offended.

You chuckle at his reaction, "In the best way. I hate when a guy is too tall," you explain.

"Okay, continue..." he allows.

"And you always smell so good," you lean in to take a whiff of his perfume.

"Good, yeah?"

"Tell me the perfume you're wearing," you playfully ask.

He shakes his head, "Not when there's the chance to make you take a whiff of it from me."

Jamie places his hand on your knee and the gust of wind makes his hair tousled and makes him look double attractive. His light brown eyes pierce right through you with the gaze he locked you in.

"What is there not to like about you?" You conclude.

He props a hand to support his head as he looks down at you, "what do you think about us?"

To be honest, it's too early to say something about this relationship. Not only that you barely know him, you don't have the intention to have a relationship at all.

"There's something there but I don't know, not sure about it yet," you honestly answer.

The hand on your knee moves up to your thigh now. Damn! Jamie is smooth.

"Maybe once I get to know you better, I'd know," you hurriedly add before he gets the wrong idea.

The next thing you know, you get yourself in a pickle as you find him leaning closer to you and his hand that was on your thigh, now resting on your waist.

"Maybe if we kissed, we'd know each other better," his eyes are centered on your lips.

"You want to kiss?" You lower your voice, afraid that there are other people around you.

Jamie leans in closer until his nose meets yours, "So bad," he answers.

Is it why he smells so good? That his perfume isn't just perfume, but it's also pheromones? You hold his chin, unable to choose whether to turn him away or bring him close, finding it hard to resist him.

-

YOU: Jamie looking so good tonight. He's literally too hot to handle [dramatically rolls eyes]

-

Jamie leans in closer and an inch away from your lips when you put your hand on his lips, stopping him from kissing you.

"Stop!" You mewl at him.

Jamie looks a little taken aback, thinking that he can seal the deal tonight.

"I want to kiss you," you tell him with your thumb brushes over his lips.

"But..." You cup his jaw and slowly speak to him so your explanation is not lost in the middle, "I don't want us to be the first to rule break."

If you were out there in the wild, you'd be all over each other by now. However, you think about the money, and spending money this early in the show isn't worth it, well, for you. Other than that, being the first to break the rules will only get you so much shit from everyone.

-

YOU: If we were outside, I would have ripped his clothes already by now [laughs] [facepalm] Lana, you should be proud of me.

-

Jamie sucks air through his teeth and laughs this off, maybe he feels a little rejected, you bruise his ego. Men are fragile like that.

"It's hard for me too," you sincerely tell him and throw your arms around him, consoling him with a hug.

"I'll just give you another kiss on the neck, okay?" you proceed to do it, placing a soft kiss on his neck right below his ear.

You hear him lowly groan with eyes closed, "That's not... uh, make it better."

He puts a hand around you, keeping you close next to him, "what about sharing a bed?"

You laugh at how relentless he is. Not only it means putting you at a bigger risk to break the rules but also, he's being haste about this.

"I'd like that," you answer, earning a grin from him.

"But not tonight," you hurriedly add.

His hand slides down your head to play with the end of your hair, twirling it around his fingers. 

"Why not?"

The player recognizes the player and Jamie is giving you the eyes right now. You look away and snug to his side, "I hump in my sleep and I think you'd like that too much."

He cracks a laugh with his hand drawing you closer to him, "More reason to share a bed!"

-

YOU: It's too early to share a bed with anyone. I still want to get to know the other and... [shrugs] keep my options open.

-

The party is far from over but you feel tired from socializing, and worse is, you can't escape them since you're sharing a house with them for the rest of the month.

You decide to excuse yourself, going to the make-up room and powdering your nose, then staying there to sip your drinks in silence.

There are nine other people to get footage from so you don't have to worry about making it interesting for people to watch.

"Hey, I've been looking for you!"

You turn on your seat to see Maeve entering the room, "what's up, babe?"

She drags the chair next to you, then sits on it. She checks her hair in the mirror and brushes the end with her fingers.

"I'm thinking of talking to Felix," she finally answers.

You sip your drink before talking, "And why are you here?"

Maeve laughs at your playful response, she leans back on her seat and sighs, "I don't know I'm so nervous to talk to him," she says.

That should be your question but you know that Maeve doesn't seek an answer from you, she needs some encouragements.

"You're gorgeous and fun, I think he'll like you," you tell her with a gentle squeeze on her shoulder.

She warmly smiles at you and checks herself again in the mirror.

"But if you intend to break the rules, I suggest you apply matte lipstick," you poke fun at her.

"I should do that," she searches for her make-up bag from the cluttering mess on the long vanity table.

After sending Maeve out of the door with another encouragement in a form of a cheeky slap to her butt, you bring your drink with you to the bedroom, feeling so ready to end the day already.

The first thing you see are two bodies going at it on the bed in the corner. You don't know why but you stay there standing in the doorway of the bedroom, watching them kissing on the bed.

After a minute of observation, you're positive it's Heidi and Daniel.

You hear someone coming from behind you, you hurriedly turn around to find Jamie there.

"Get me more drinks?" You immediately ask him, trying to sound natural.

"Sure, yeah, been looking for you," he says, more than eager to take you back to the party.

It's the only right thing to do. He doesn't care about the rules and if he knew that someone has broken the rules, he will be more relentless than he already is.

-

Thankfully, Lana doesn't announce any rulebreaking behaviors for today, the party ends on a good note and everyone has their happy ending, at least for today.

But for you, you're just happy to finally get on the bed.

As Maeve climbs onto the bed after you, you can't wait but ask her about how the talk went. 

"So, how's the talk?"

From the lack of her usual radiance on her face, you can tell that it didn't go well. You regret asking about it.

Maeve scoots closer to you on the bed and leans in, keeping her head turns away from Felix's bed.

"I talked to him and he was nice, said he finds me cute and funny," she keeps her voice low.

"Well, that's great!" You comment, a little louder than you intend to.

Maeve puts on a thin smile, "yeah so I asked him if he has eyes for someone," she says.

"Yeah and?"

"He said he likes someone," she answers.

You playfully bump her shoulder, "and it's you."

"Else," she finishes her words, "he likes someone else."

She rests her head on your shoulder and you put your arm around her, comforting her with gentle squeezes on her shoulder.

"Does this mean you're going to stop trying or...?"

"Not sure," she shortly replies.

"He said you're beautiful and funny, you should focus on that and work your way from there," you comfort her.

Men are not only stupid, they're all short-sighted, and that's why they like everything big. Maybe at first glance, Felix didn't see Maeve clearly and that's why you encourage her to try once again so he can take another good look at her because who knows?

-

The morning alarm is ringing.

They set a time to let everyone know when to start their day even though a few of us have woken up earlier. The lights are on and greeting each other, barefaced with eyes still sleepy.

Jamie jumps onto your bed and gets between you and Maeve on the bed.

"Good morning, girls!" His voice is muffled by the pillow underneath.

Maeve gently pats his back, "Cuddles only!" She reminds him.

He lifts his head and looks at you, "Not going to lie but I was about to kiss her until you said that," he tells Maeve.

Jamie looks so fine with a bare face and his bedhead looks extra fluffy when it's tousled.

-

YOU: Good morning! It's a good day, clear sky, nice weather with no chance of sex. [Snorts]

-

When everyone is called to the cabana, you know that it's judgment time.

You feel calm knowing that you successfully refrained from breaking rules but you know that everyone is not going to be pleased that a few people spent a few thousand dollars last night. Including you.

So far, you only knew about Heidi and Daniel but there's a big chance that other people break the rules too. It's a big place, you can't keep track of everyone.

This secret you've been keeping is getting too hard to bear yourself. The only person you can share it with is Maeve and you're positive that she didn't break any rules, not that you know of.

"I walked in on Heidi and Daniel kissing," you whisper to Maeve.

"My Gosh!" She lowly gasps.

The sound of Lana's cone-shaped head chiming and your heart leaps. You're not ready to lose money, not when you have your credit card bills spilling out of your mailbox as you speak.

"I regret to inform that there are several rule breaks."

Several? So that means there's more than one rule break? You're doomed, everyone is doomed.

"Everyone better be telling the truth right now!" Cole says as the resident's sex cop.

Everyone is looking at each other and a few are looking very suspicious right now. You bet that Laura and Daniel broke the rules from the way they avoid everyone's eyes.

Heidi raises her hand like she's in a classroom, "So..."

And everyone groans, knowing that they are about to hear a piece of bad news.

"Daniel and I, we kissed in the bedroom," she admits.

It's good that Heidi decides to come clean but it's a bit upsetting that Daniel just sits there like he didn't take part in it.

"But that was it. Just one kiss!" She assures everyone.

Welp, that's $3000 down the drain. However, Lana continues to press everyone to confess.

"Let's just get it over with, guys!" Cole adds with gritted teeth.

Can't hold it in yourself for long, you call them out by the names, "Laura? Alex? Have anything to say?" You ask with a piercing gaze.

"We uh... we kissed," Alex may have a buff body and the tallest of the bunch but he's bad at being honest like all men are.

"But it's because we're sure we have a connection. That's why we kissed," Laura is, of course, backing her man and ready to claw people with her super-long acrylic nails.

"I don't care what all of you are saying. We—"

"You kissed for how many times?" Cole cuts her off with the most important question of all.

There's a moment of silence and that means it's bad.

"Twice. On the bed and the beach," Laura answers with no apologetic expression whatsoever.

"That's so selfish!" Maeve exclaims next to you and lets out a big sigh after.

The worst is Lana is still here and asking if anyone wants to own up to their shit. You don't even want to count the most you've lost, it's a lot.

"You've got to be kidding!" Jamie groans from the end of the sofa.

Not only that the truth costs everyone money but serves the juiciest drama needed for TV broadcasts.

"Daniel kissed me," Aly finally confesses.

Everyone's eyes dart at Daniel, he kissed two girls yesterday and put them in a fight after this. Heidi looks furious sitting next to him.

"I'm pretty sure he kissed me first then he kissed Heidi," she adds, her eyes throwing daggers at Daniel.

"This is a mess!" You quietly comment and plant your face in your hands.

"These rule breaks have cost the group a total of $12.000," Lana announces.

You groan into your hand thinking that much money can cover a couple of months of your rent and here these fools spending them to satisfy their wild desire.

-

YOU: From now on, I'll be thinking of a Chanel handbag every time I get the urge to kiss someone because that's how much it costs.

-

"There are a total of four rule breaks in the last 24 hours and the fine on any further rule break will be doubled as of this moment," Lana announces another shocking news.

-

YOU: Great! A kiss equals two Chanel handbags now. [Hand against forehead]

-

It was one hell of a way to start the day.

Everyone's mood turns sour after that and Cole, being the sex cop he is, doesn't stop preaching to everyone to not break any rules.

What you fear the most with rules has been broken more than once now, it's allowed everyone else to take their turn and that includes Jamie.

It's only about time that he'll start demanding a kiss from you. Don't get fooled, men are just as insecure as women but they mask it well with their huge egos.

You try to avoid him and hang out with Maeve instead, chilling by the pool.

"I heard Irish people are a great drinking buddy," you want to distract yourself from the reality show you're in.

"I wouldn't call myself a 'buddy' but yeah, we're good drinkers," Maeve answers with her playful laughs.

You dip your fingers in the pool water and mindlessly splash it around.

"Come to Ireland and I'll show you a good time," she says.

You snort thinking that with the debt you have, you can't afford to travel out of the country right now but you can't pass on the invitation.

"Okay, I'll just go there with my winning prize," you jokingly say.

"Oh, yeah, totally," she responds with giggles but her eyes are nowhere in your direction.

Following her line of vision, she is watching Felix working out with Alex and Cole at the beach. You take it that she hesitates to make a move on him after knowing that he likes someone else.

"You're going to talk to him again right?"

Considering that the outside world is off-limits, leaving all of you with no choice but to interact with each other. This also means that Maeve will have to get a move on him or try not to be awkward with Felix walking around the house for the next three weeks.

"Who do you think it is?"

"The one he likes?" You guess.

She nods, glints of curiosity filled her eyes, "yeah."

"Certainly not you," you joke and break into laughter.

"Ouch!" She splashes water at you.

-

YOU: Maeve thinks a lot when she has nothing to worry about. She should just do it.

-

The house is huge even for ten people living in it but you can't keep avoiding Jamie.

After dressing up to hang out in the firepit, you sit next to Jamie at ease with the presence of other people there. But that doesn't stop him from touching you, putting his hand around you to play with your hair and whatnot.

"We should have kissed yesterday," he suddenly says.

You lowly chuckle, "When it was cheaper?"

The wind keeps blowing your way, sending your hair flying around and making it messy. Jamie attentively puts the stray hair away and tucks them behind your ears.

"Do you still want to break the rules?" You ask out of curiosity.

"If you want to," he answers.

He fixes the collar of his shirt and looks at you, "what about you?"

You crinkle your nose at him, conflicted. On one side, you want to kiss him and see if there's a spark between you and him but on the other side, it costs two Chanel handbags.

You rest your head on his shoulder, "I just don't think we should be selfish by spending money recklessly," you honestly answer.

"Yeah..." he agrees but the sigh he lets out at the end tells you otherwise.

-

YOU: Jamie sounds a little disappointed that I don't want to break the rules. I mean, don't hate the player, hate the game!

-

The make-up room is crowded with the girls cleansing their faces and doing their bedtime routine. You decide to take the last turn, lounging on Jamie's bed to make up for not sleeping with him tonight.

"Are you guys going to sleep together tonight?" Aly asks from the bed across the room.

Jamie turns his head with an eyebrow raised at you, asking you the same question.

"Yes, we are," you finally answer.

Jamie can't hide his triumphant smile and it looks adorable on him, you can't help but smile along.

-

YOU: I don't want to feel pressured to do it but I owe it to Jamie to at least try and see if this relationship is going somewhere.

-

It's understandable for them to be nosy, it's what the viewers need, a little drama, a little action but what they need are the juicy details.

Before anyone else gets nosy, you start getting ready for bed. Wipes clean your make-up and go to the bathroom to wash up, someone else is showering inside the stall.

It's a normal occurrence. Honestly, everyone else is just so calm about seeing each other's body at this point.

However, the glass wall is blurry so you don't have to worry about seeing someone's naked body inside. You head to the sink and mind your own business.

As you're brushing your teeth, the shower door opens and a hand reaches out for a towel hanging by the handle. In the mirror, you see Felix steps out of the shower and your eyes eventually meet through the reflection and you reflexively smile with a toothbrush tugged between your teeth.

"Hey," he greets.

It surprises you that the deep voice belongs to him, "Hi," you greet back.

He walks toward you and you scoot to the side knowing that he needs to use the sink.

"You don't mind, right?" He asks, taking his toothbrush out of his toiletry bag.

You shake your head, "not at all."

It's hard to not see his body when he stands close next to you. Everyone in here has a nice body but on the first impression, you see him as this thin and dainty guy.

Now, you've seen him up close, he has one of the best bodies in the house, his muscles are perfectly toned and it shows that he diligently worked on his body.

"How's your day?" He casually asks with the towel hanging low around his hips.

"Alright, I guess," you answer.

"You?" You ask back while washing your toothbrush under the running water.

He looks at you and smiles, "just got better, actually," he answers.

Felix is definitely flirting and you immediately fill your mouth with water before stupid things come out of it. You decide to quickly wrap it up before someone else enters the space even though you're doing nothing.

-

YOU: Felix and I are just talking. There's— [inhales] he's low-key flirting with me and I freaked out, there I said it.

-

Maeve is already on the bed when you enter the bedroom and so is Jamie with a space prepared on the bed for you.

It would be rude to say nothing to Maeve that you'll not be sleeping with her, so you come to her first.

"I'm sleeping with Jamie," you tell her.

She slyly grins at you, "Should I give you the sex talk?"

"No, thank you, mom!" You grab your pillow and walk to Jamie's bed still laughing.

Jamie's smile grows wider the closer you get to his bed, he opens his arms to welcome you.

"Come here, sweet thing!" He playfully says.

You hit him with your pillow before coming into his hug. As you settle on his bed, Felix walks past your bed and flashes you a smile, a little different from the one he gave you earlier.

You forget that he sleeps on the bed next to Jamie's and you don't know how it suddenly feels awkward to you.

"Be good, you two!" Cole warns with a piercing glare.

"Not going to break any rules. You can have my words," you assure him despite Jamie nuzzling his nose onto your shoulder as you speak.

-

YOU: At least, that's what I hope. Being in bed with Jamie and try not to break rules will certainly not going to be easy. Ugh!

-

Once the lights are out, Jamie spoons you from behind with his arms wrapped around you. Not going to lie but it feels nice to be with someone.

"You smell so good," he whispers into your ear.

You don't respond, afraid that it will only encourage him to do more.

"You're so soft," he says again with his hand splayed on your bare stomach.

"Night, Jamie," you put an end to the talk.

That doesn't stop his hand from cuddling you and nuzzling his nose in your neck.

"No goodnight kiss?" He asks.

You take his hand and kiss it as a substitute, earning a low laugh from him.

Jamie kisses you on the neck in return, "Night!"

-

YOU: It's getting a little hot in here [fanning your neck]

-

The first thing Cole does when he wakes up is ask everyone an important question.

"Did anyone break any rules last night?"

You shake your head because as much as it's been hard to refrain from touching Jamie, you didn't do anything but cuddle under the cover.

"I can promise you we've been good in here!" Jamie confidently states and puts his arm around you.

Aly as Maeve's new bedmate, points at Laura and Alex's bed, "I definitely heard noises coming from their bed," she snatches on them.

Alex may have a good poker face but you can't say the same with Laura, she's looking guilty but the kind that tells she's not sorry for doing it.

"You may as well spill the truth now," Daniel eggs in.

Laura nonchalantly shrugs as if she's not been acting selfishly when it's only about time that Lana announces how much money we've lost because of them.

-

YOU: I'm proud that Jamie and I managed to not break any rules last night. I hope that proves that we do have a real connection.

-

It's too late for you to walk out as Felix sees you coming into the bathroom.

You walk to the sink to grab your toiletry bag you forgot to take with you, "I can't believe our meet cute is in the bathroom," you say.

He laughs hearing your words while struggling to put sunblock on his back.

"Need help?"

He considers it for a moment then nods, "Yes!"

You take the tube of sunblock from him, pressing a big dollop of the cream on your hand and slowly lathering it on his honey skin. His skin is smooth and warm with muscles that make his back the perfect spot to lean on.

"So, you and Jamie, huh?" he suddenly asks, looking at you through the reflection in the mirror.

The question snaps you out of your daze. You're thankful that he can't see your face as you're busy making sure the sunblock is covering his back evenly.

"Yes," you shortly reply.

He hums while subtly nodding his head, "And what do you think?"

You play dumb but it's also because your hands wander to his lats and they're distracting, "of what?"

Felix leans forward with hands resting against the sink, "is it serious?"

You silently gulp air because his question only means that he has an interest in your relationship which also means that he has...

"We're still figuring each other out," you settle with a diplomatic answer for him.

You glide your hands back up to lather the sunblock down his shoulder blades.

"I see," he responds with a smile.

And not just a smile, a smile that tells he got the answer he wants.

You slide your hands down his arms and playfully squeeze his biceps, "there! Done!"

He takes the sunblock back from you and checks himself in the mirror, "thank you."

Felix raises his hands for a high-five with you, "Let's have a great day!"

You smile at him and return the high-five, "Let's do it!"

-

YOU: Maeve likes Felix and I'm obviously team hoes before bros. Always!

-

"Blue looks good on you!"

It's another day of Jamie's endeavors to kiss you, starting the conversation by complimenting your bikini. He joined you sunbathing by the pool in the afternoon, sharing a sun lounger.

"Thank you!" You reply with a smile with your eyes squinting under the bright sun.

His hand is squeezing your arm, "you got some muscles here," he says.

"I played volleyball in high school," you share.

Propping a hand under his head, he looks down at you, "I want to see you play volleyball."

You chuckle, "That was years ago. I forgot how to play."

"Must be looking sexy serving ball in tight shorts," he lowers his head into your neck.

You burst out laughing and slip your hand in his soft locks, "that sounds so wrong."

Not only that you're out in the open, it's rather dangerous with how close he is and his lips looking inviting as he plants it on your shoulder.

It's only right that you distract him by giving him a little taste but not too much, enough to make him crave more.

"Do it for me?" You ask with a bottle of sun spray in your head.

"I'd love to," he eagerly says.

Jamie sprays on parts of the body he wants to touch, all over your back as you lay on your stomach and down to your asscheek, excessively kneading on them.

You laugh at how he can't stop himself that you eventually have to turn over so he can continue, spraying your shoulders.

You take off the straps around your neck so he can spray your chest and sneaks his hand on the valley between your breasts.

"Yeah, get in there!" You playfully encourage him.

Jamie grins like a child who got caught taking a cookie out of the cookie jar. He then continues to spray on your abdomen and evenly rub them down your thighs next while glancing into your eyes once in a while.

To say that you don't enjoy teasing him would be a lie.

-

YOU: Jamie becomes more relentless by the day but am I wrong to not want to rule break? Isn't that the purpose of this retreat?

-

As the day turns to night, it's only about time until everyone got called to the cabana.

You feel sick listening to the sound of Lana's cone-shaped body chiming, especially with Laura and Alex acting so suspiciously.

Lana is a computer but she sounds not pleased as she greets everyone. Cut to the announcement, she informs that Laura and Alex did break the rules last night.

You glance at Cole who got speechless that he's just looking at Alex in disbelief.

"These rule breaks cost the group $18.000."

-

YOU: For three kisses? Really? Lana, please, be reasonable with the prices.

-

"That's not the only rule break they committed," Lana spills more truth.

This is what you fear the most, getting riled by the whole group for breaking the rules. Everyone looks at both Laura and Alex waiting for them to confess.

"I touched his willy under the cover," Laura confesses.

Everyone groans in unison.

You don't know how Laura is okay being so selfish and can keep a straight face, but that's probably why her make-up is super thick.

"This rule break costs the group a further $4.000."

"Why would you do that?" Maeve asks and she rarely gets this mad.

"It's not a big deal!" Laura nonchalantly responds.

"Yeah but not for $4.000!" Heidi snaps at her, as furious as everyone.

"Now the prize fund stands at $166.000."

-

YOU: I can use that money as a deposit for a house and here we are, spending it on kisses and a hand down a guy's trouser.

-

The night gets darker not only on the outside but inside the house as well.

Lana sends Laura and Alex to the suite to test if they're building a true connection but everyone is skeptical that they'll pass the test.

You sit on the bed with Jamie resting his head on your lap, brushing his hair to relax you now that you've lost a chunk of money.

"Alex is like the horniest people and Laura is the biggest teaser, it's a recipe for a disaster," Aly comments, lying on her stomach on the bed opposite yours.

"They will rule break once or twice at least," Jamie adds his opinion.

The night ends early but you see that Maeve and Felix haven't returned yet to their respective beds. You hope that things are going well with them.

You nuzzle your head into Jamie's chest and murmur, "We haven't broken any rules," you tell him.

"Yet," Jamie continues your words clasping your hand with his.

You look at him and smile as he looks back at you, "We've been good and I'm proud."

He foolishly smiles and opens his arms to invite you for a hug. You jump right into his embrace and those muscles on his body feel pillowy under you.

Jamie pulls the duvet to cover both of your bodies even though the lights aren't out yet. You squeal as he starts to glide his hands down your sides.

-

YOU: I appreciate Jamie for being so patient because I know, it was hard for me to not throw myself at him.

-

"We don't need another rule break tonight!"

Cole pulls the duvet down to reveal that the two of you are just tickling each other under the cover.

At the same time, Felix makes his way to his bed, seeing you straddling Jamie on the bed which sends you to get off of him immediately.

It's unclear why you do that but your eyes go straight to Maeve's bed, it's empty even when the lights are already out.

You nestle your head in Jamie's neck as he lightly touches up and down your arm and kisses your hand once in a while.

You plant a soft kiss on his neck and whisper, "Night."

He kisses you back on the head, "Goodnight!"

-

YOU: I start to believe that maybe Jamie and I do have a genuine connection [smiles]

-

Everyone is looking restless from the moment they woke up and looks in shambles once they gathered in the cabana, ready for that time of the day.

After a while, Laura and Alex are returning from the suite. You recognize the glow on Laura's face right away but you could be wrong.

God! You hope you're wrong and they didn't do anything selfish last night.

You're spacing out as Lana comes with her anxiety-inducing ping sounds and all you can think about is how much money Laura and Alex spent last night.

"They're looking suspicious," Aly whispers at you.

Indeed, they are, and looking very guilty as well. Everyone waits in anticipation as Lana takes her time to announce whether they pass the test or blow all the money in one night.

"I must tell the group that Laura and Alex did..."

You hold your breath for the worst outcome.

"Not..."

It's getting harder to breathe now.

"Break any rules!"

Everyone shoots up from their seats and congratulates the couple in turns. You got so far in life that you get to celebrate people for not having sex.

-

YOU: So they can keep it in their pants! I'm proud!

-

Lana has another announcement after everyone settled in from the celebration.

"To motivate everyone to grow genuine feelings of connection as opposed to lust, I've prepared gifts for all of you."

You take the box in front of you and open it to reveal a watch inside.

"When I observe two people forming genuine connections, they will be given a green light like this."

Everyone's watch chimes and turns green at the same time.

"While the lights are green, the rules do not apply for a limited amount of time."

Cole claps his hands together to get everyone's attention, "There's no more excuse for anyone to break any more rules!"

-

YOU: This [shows the watch] motivates me to build a connection with Jamie. Hope we get to be the first to get the green light.

-

After a very stressful morning that thankfully ends with a happy ending, you can have the room to breathe since the boys are out of the house to do a workshop at the beach.

The girls are hanging out in the bedroom and with the drama going on earlier, you forgot to ask Maeve why she went to bed late last night.

To get a little privacy, even though you can't get any with cameras placed in every crook and nook of the villa, you take her to the make-up room. You sit next to her while fixing your make-up in the mirror.

"Is everything okay?" You ask.

Maeve sits with both feet up on the chair and looks down at her nails, "not okay, honestly," she answers.

You stop looking at the mirror and turn your chair to face her, "why? What happened?"

Maeve hugs her folded legs and looks at you, a sad smile on her face.

"I just don't know what I'm doing here..."

You place your hand on her knee, "hey, don't say that!"

"I'm not making connections with anyone and I tried, but it's not working. I-I don't know why I'm here," she says with a heavy sigh at the end of the sentence.

It seems like things aren't going well between her and Felix, and Maeve is someone with low self-esteem, which makes her somewhat dejected that things didn't go well.

"You don't have to be a couple to make progress, you know," you comfort her and it's true, Cole is proof that he's fine not being in a pair and dedicates himself as an avid protector of the prize money instead.

"I'm not pretty. No one wants to be with me," she breaks into tears and buries her head in her hands.

You get up from the chair to hug her, "First of all, everyone here is pretty and it's not a beauty pageant, okay?" You comfort her while slightly bending down with your arms around her.

"It's not about look. It's about chemistry, attraction, and stuff," you awkwardly explain.

You have no talent in comforting someone but you try your best. After a moment, Maeve lifts her head and looks at you.

"No one is attracted to me," she says with her fingers carefully dabbing the corner of her eyes to avoid ruining her make-up.

You scoff and turn the chair to face her before sitting on it, "you are so beautiful, Maeve," you assure her with both hands holding hers.

Maeve puts down her feet and your clasped hands dropped onto her lap, "I know," she half-heartedly agrees.

"For you, I'll fly to Ireland and come see you, we'll get drunk and have so much fun," you cheer her up with nice thoughts while shaking her hands.

Maeve cracks a laugh and you can see that she starts to get hopeful again. She's a genuinely kind person which is not someone you expect to meet here, you think of her as a friend despite it happening because you both are in a reality show.

A crazy idea crosses your head, "you know what? We can be a couple and win the money," you tell her.

-

YOU: I'm bad at comforting people and the only thing I know how to comfort someone is through actions [slyly smiles]

-

She laughs at your wild suggestion that it takes her a while to reply to you, "I'd love that, yeah," she jokingly answers.

An even crazier idea crosses your head, "come here then," you tell her, pulling her close until your heads meet in the middle.

Maeve senses your intention but not doing anything to stop you, instead, she leans in first to kiss you.

You kiss her back as she softly brushes her lips on yours over and over again. She tastes so sweet and warm, she knows how to use her tongue and not overdo it, and overall, one hell of a good kisser.

You pull away first as the reality that someone might walk in on you dawns on you.

"Did we just break the rules?" Maeve asks while wiping her smeared lipstick.

"You'd better have a good poker face!" You warn her.

-

YOU: Goodness! Maeve is a good kisser and that kiss... I think that was the best $6.000 I ever spent. No regret at all.

-

The boys are back just in time for another party Lana is throwing tonight.

The theme is Saints and Sinners and there's a box of costumes for everyone to wear. You choose to be an angel with wings even though you've been behaving badly after breaking the rules earlier.

He sits you on his lap even though the sofa is spacy enough for another two persons but you feel safe since Alex and Laura are there, cuddling in the smaller sofa across from yours.

"So, what did you do in the workshop?" You ask Jamie.

He takes a deep breath and his chest heaving along with yours, "we learned how to be more open with our feelings."

You nod along and leer over at him, "And how did it go?"

Jamie rests his chin on your shoulder with a hand resting on your stomach, "Well, I'm never good at it but I think I did alright."

He doesn't sound so convincing but you appreciate the effort.

"You look beautiful, babe!" He compliments you along with a gentle squeeze on your thigh.

You're immune to sweet nothings like this but a compliment is a compliment. You smile and mutter, "Thank you!"

You slip your hand into the opening of his shirt, "I like your shirt," you compliment back with a seductive smile.

He sees your hand slide in further into his shirt, "should have let another button open."

Jamie keeps checking his watch hoping that the light turns green soon.

You doubt that a few compliments can do it and silently laugh at his fruitless effort. 

-

YOU: I'll always be physically attracted to Jamie but I don't know. I can't tell if I doubt myself or him, or us, entirely [clicks tongue]

-

The time for doom is here.

You exchange nervous glances with Maeve knowing what we've done would damage the numbers on the prize fund. You doubt that it's what Laura felt when she broke the rules because what you're feeling is a sense of guilt but that's solely because you behaved selfishly, not for the kiss.

"Hours after receiving the gifts of my watches, a couple of you decide to break the rules by kissing," Lana announces.

Everyone's eyes land on Alex and Laura since they're the regular rulebreakers. Just know that they'll be surprised once they found out who did it.

"You know the routine. Just spill it!" Cole sounded so done at this point.

You hate to break his trust but you don't feel bad for breaking the rules, not when you have a good intention. Your heart is pounding for how much shit you'll get either from admitting it or don't, you choose the former.

"It was me," you blurt out with a hand raised.

Jamie snaps his head at you, eyes wide filled with confusion because he knows for damn sure you didn't kiss him or vice versa.

"I'm not going to name names who I did it with and why," you quickly add and it's the only right thing to do, you don't want to force Maeve to speak out unless she wanted to.

"I'm sorry," you apologize.

Jamie looks even more confused but his eyes are scanning the guys one by one even though it isn't any of them you kissed.

"I'm sorry, Cole," you apologize to him personally since he's the one who gets sensitive the most about the money.

Maeve raises her hand and decides to admit it as well, "she did it with me."

They let out a collective gasp, laughter, and sneaky eyes going on after. Jamie squeezes your shoulder but not saying anything to you.

"Another $6.000 has gone from the prize fund, leaving the group with $160.000," Lana furtherly informs.

Funny that you didn't about the money at all when you kiss Maeve. Probably because you know that you intend to rebuild Maeve's confidence, so she's not giving up on herself and continues her journey here.

However, when it comes to Jamie, you're still not sure if you want to spend $6.000 on a kiss with him.

-

The rule break doesn't seem to leave that much impression on everyone.

Maybe because they give you a pass because it's your first time breaking the rule and the night ends in peace or that's what you thought.

You're chatting with Aly in the firepit to avoid the crowded make-up room when suddenly Felix comes behind you. You didn't notice until Aly sends you a signal with her eyes.

"Can I talk to you?" He asks.

Aly gets the hint and decides to leave, "I'll excuse myself then."

You've spent a couple of times alone with him even though they only last for a few minutes, but this time is different, no one is around except for the filming crew lurking in the bushes or somewhere you're not aware of.

The sofa could fit a couple of dozen people but Felix decides to sit next to you.

"Hi," he sweetly greets.

"Hi, how are you?" You ask with a smile.

His legs are spreading wide and he has gaping holes in his jeans, exposing bits of his thighs that you found are surprisingly muscular.

"I'm good," he answers, doing the classic move of putting his arm on the headrest of the sofa, "how about you?"

Your body somehow responds by putting your leg over the other and leaning towards him, "Never been better."

Felix gets quiet but his eyes are deeply looking into your eyes as if he found something fascinating in them. A while later, he clears his throat as he slightly slouched on the sofa, legs spreading wider, sending the holes in his jeans to stretch and expose more of his skin.

"During the workshop, we were taught to open up about our feelings and I–" He pauses to scratch his small nose and continues with an uneasy glance at you, "I know what I want and I want to do it. I know I'll regret it if I don't."

"Okay," you respond while nodding along and at times, getting distracted by the holes in his jeans.

"I know you're with Jamie and I don't mean to break things between the two of you but I feel like... I need you to know that I like you."

Felix talks without a beat and with the intense stare he's giving you, you gulp air feeling nervous but in an exciting kind of way.

"I like you," he says again.

Your heart starts to race because you can feel how much he meant all of his words.

-

YOU: Oh my God! The hottest man in this retreat likes me?!

-

"You don't have to do anything about it," he casually says as if he didn't just put you in a predicament since you're with Jamie.

Felix retracts his hand and accidentally or not, brushes his hand on your shoulder. He gives you the faintest of physical contact but enough to send a shiver down your spine.

Still speechless by his sudden confession, but you know you should have said something to him to avoid him getting the wrong idea.

"Thank you for letting me know," you begin.

"You're very welcome!" He excitedly responds with a wide grin.

"But let me know if you want to do anything about it," he adds with a playful grin.

Something about him makes you warm inside, you can feel your cheeks heating, flustered with his eyes never straying away from yours even for a second.

The night is late and the fireplace is laying low, swaying with the gentle breeze coming from the sea, Felix's lips suddenly look so inviting, enticing you like a forbidden apple.

This is dangerous. 

"Let's head inside," he says, thankfully being the one putting a brake on the imminent danger.

-

YOU: This is honestly what I seek with Jamie, that excitement, that sparks and it's a problem that I got it from someone else without any sort of physical contact whatsoever.

-

"So, Maeve, is she a good kisser?" Jamie asks as he sits with you on the bed.

Maeve sips water from her tumbler before answering, "The best!"

She takes another sip before talking again, "You're in for a treat, Jamie."

He glances at you with an impressed smile, "Too bad that I can't confirm that," he says.

That's his way to dig at you for what you did. You understand that he feels betrayed by what you did, you refuse to kiss him but easily kissed someone behind his back.

You put your hand across his chest and look at him, "Are you mad?"

"Nah," he coyly answers.

You bring your mouth close to his ear, "are you jealous?"

Jamie chuckles as your breath tickles his ear, "A bit, yeah."

You kiss his cheek and deliver your apology with a heartfelt whisper, "I'm sorry, baby."

-

YOU: I, of course, feel bad for not giving Jamie the heads up about the kiss I did with Maeve. He looks rather upset but I know I deserve it.

-

It's probably luck that follows you throughout the times you spent in the retreat.

Everyone forgot about your rulebreaking as Daniel decides to get a new bed partner. He used to sleep with Heidi but tonight, he decides to sleep with Aly.

You nudge Jamie who's sleeping with his head nuzzles in your neck to witness the drama happening in the room.

His mouth opens in surprise while you look at Heidi who's slumped down on the bed.

"You okay?" You mouth at her.

"No," she mouths back.

You turn to look at Jamie, "Oh my God!" You lowly gasp.

"I feel bad for Heidi," Jamie whispers.

"Me too," you say back behind the duvet at Jamie.

-

YOU: Let's say we never know what's going to happen next [shrugs]

-

The mood the next morning has been set to gloomy with the drama that happened last night.

The good news is there's no sign of anyone breaking any rules and the bad news is that Jamie seems to not moving on from your kiss with Maeve yet.

Jamie is usually chipper whenever he's with you, except for today, he seems distant even though you're working out together by the beach.

"Tighten your glutes," he instructed.

You play dumb since that's the most successful way to win a guy's heart, "tighten my what?"

Jamie chuckles and enthusiastically shows you the parts of your body you need to work on, the back of your thighs and legs. His hands don't skip the chance to rub over the curve of your ass.

"Can you feel it?" He asks as he guides you to do a proper squat by standing right behind you.

You intentionally nudge his crotch with your ass, "oh yeah, I can feel it," you answer with giggles.

By working out, you hope that it would help to release tension between you and Jamie, it worked but in the process, you're getting that tingling down there with his hands constantly touching you.

You collapse onto the yoga mat from doing a plank and groan, "Ugh... I'm so horny."

Jamie laughs as he helps you get up from the mat.

-

YOU: I realized now that maybe Jamie needs validation, he needs more than just words from me. Maybe I have to do something about it [raises an eyebrow]

-

Before you can set a plan, Lana calls everyone to the cabana.

Not sure if anyone breaks any rules but you feel sick in the stomach whenever you sit down and face her cone-shaped body.

Cole is getting ready to put his laser eyes on anyone who breaks the rules.

"No one break any rules last night," Lana announces.

Everyone seems to be letting out a sigh of relief and you feel guilty just from thinking about doing a rule break later for Jamie.

"With the couples seeming to form deeper bonds, it's time to establish how committed to each other you really are," Lana states.

Couples? You are positive you and Jamie are included in it.

"By sending some of you on dates..." Lana continues.

-

YOU: The question is... Who's going on a date? I would love to go on a date with Jamie.

-

Now everyone starts to hold their breath again with Lana dragging each piece of information just to torture all of you.

"With new arrivals," Lana finally finishes.

This is not a good time for Lana to intervene, not when you plan on taking things further with Jamie. Also, new arrivals mean that they're not adapted to the rules yet, they'll be uncontrollable, horny babies like... well, everyone here a week ago.

"The first arrival is... Mia," Lana announces.

The guys snickered in joy, excited even just from hearing the girl's name.

"I have given her a choice of dating one of the boys currently in couples."

Your mouth hangs open in surprise, you're wrong to underestimate Lana's power and that she owns this game, she's the mastermind.

"She has selected..."

-

YOU: I hate to think about it but I have an inkling that this Mia girl is going to choose Jamie [leans back on the sofa]

-

"... Jamie."

The timing is impeccable.

Things are going well between you and Jamie, then Lana, being the girl boss she is, decides to ruin all of that.

You look at Jamie and he looks slightly pleased that he got chosen.

You're spacing out the rest of the time Lana announces another arrival, a boy who chose Laura to be his date.

It's unclear whether you're jealous about him going on another date or you regret holding yourself back from him all these times.

Jamie rubs his hand up and down your arm, briefly kisses your cheek, then says, "You have nothing to worry about."

How come you trust his words when you've witnessed all these bed hoppings and jumping ships happened overnight?

-

YOU: What Jamie said only makes me even more worried. Lana said it's a test so this Mia girl must be sexy, and speaks three languages or something. You know, like a girl version of Alex.

-

Maeve is helping you style your hair for tonight.

"How do you feel about Jamie going on a date with someone?" She asks.

You shrug and sigh, sending the powder you're holding flying around your face.

"I just hope she's ugly," you jokingly answer.

"Hate to break the news but I think she's hot and a potential rulebreaker," Maeve decides to pour salt on your wound instead of soothing it.

"It's not that I don't care but I decide not to care," you explain.

You finish your make-up with a setting spray and check yourself again in the mirror, "but you know, deep down, I'm scared, shitless," you admit.

It's getting more nerve-wracking waiting for Jamie to come back from his date. Maeve keeps you occupied with happy thoughts, telling you fun things you can do in Ireland with her.

The other girls low-key comfort you by complimenting your looks. It's a nice gesture except that no one died and you're not in mourning, you just want this to get over with.

Laura is the first one to come back, guiding the new arrival by linking her arm with his.

She introduces Killian around, an Irish man who's just the perfect match for Maeve.

Killian is a great distraction, his accent is attractive and so is his smile. You keep nudging Maeve's elbow to send her hints.

Maeve replies by elbowing your side and you thought she was being playful, then turn your head around to see Jamie has came back from his date.

"Oh shit. She's hot!" Aly exclaims.

You bite your tongue and put your lips together, not wanting to lose your calm easily. There are only two possibilities, Jamie stays with you, or not.

As Jamie pulls you to the make-up room, you know it's time for him to decide.

"How was the date?" You ask with a smile.

"It was nice. We had champagne and fruits and cheeses," he gives you an answer that you don't expect.

You silently gulp air and keep on putting on a smile for him, "Sounds lovely!"

The moment passed in silence is deafening and you need to burst it. You clear your throat and hold the hand on his lap.

"So... are you here to tell me I was right for not worrying you?" You joke.

Jamie awkwardly laughs at your question and that you're right for worrying him. A part of you is in denial that you're not chosen but another part of you decides to shut him out right here, right now.

"I want to tell you that Mia and I... I think we have something going on between us and I want to get to know her more," he slowly explains.

This heart is fickle, you decided not to care but you feel a sting in your chest when he told you that.

"You're saying you chose her?" You ask for confirmation.

Jamie takes your other hand, afraid that you run away before he can explain.

"No, I'm staying with you and openly telling you that at the same time, I want to get to know Mia," he refuses your words when it's exactly what he wants.

Other girls would give him the chance but not with you, if Jamie chose her then he should stay with her. There's no use for you and him to stay together if he wants to get to know someone that isn't you.

"Jamie you can't do that. You either stay with me or be with her, you have to choose!" You insist on him settling on a decision.

-

YOU: Apparently, Jamie wants to have his cake and eat it too [shakes head]

-

You get it that Jamie is conflicted because he still likes you but the other girl offers him something that you don't give to him.

"I like you. I still want to be with you," Jamie persists.

His words are not aligned with his action. You shake your head and put his hands away, "it sounds like you're asking me to wait for you while you're getting it on with someone else."

That seems to put the nail in the coffin that he got speechless. The disappointment got to you that you and if you stayed longer, you're afraid you would say something you didn't mean to him.

"You've made your choice, Jamie," you tell him.

-

YOU: To say that I'm disappointed is an understatement. I'm livid, I'm... I was planning to take things further but yeah... [brushes hair to the back] Mia happens.

-

Can't believe that you'll be the one serving drama tonight.

You stall in the make-up room, not wanting to get to the bedroom yet. You're drying your hair after a shower and sitting there for a minute, just taking everything in and trying to let it go.

Taking a deep breath, you keep a straight face as you push the door into the bedroom and have no choice but to share a bed with Heidi since Maeve is sharing the bed with Killian.

"You alright, babe?" She quietly asks.

You hold your forehead and slump down on the bed, "it's shitty."

She gently squeezes your elbow, "yeah."

You lay down on the bed and avoid the eyes looking back and forth between you and Jamie. You may decide not to care but seeing him sleeping with another girl right in front of your eyes, hurts.

You cover your eyes with your hand and mumble, "I just want to get this day over with."

-

YOU: Jamie has decided so he has to live with that decision. Good luck, I guess.

-

If it weren't for her, Jamie would have stayed with you and you wouldn't be waking up to Heidi lowly snoring next to you.

Mia might have seduced him but it wouldn't happen if Jamie remained faithful so you decide to blame him, not her.

This is probably what Maeve felt that day when she cried, defeated, and dejected.

But Jamie has to try harder if he wants to see you cry.

 "How are you feeling, sexy?" Maeve asks as she waddles in the swimming pool.

You sit on the edge with your feet dipped in the sun-warm water, "I don't know, really," you shrug.

She holds onto your leg, clinging to it to stay afloat, "You're better than her, trust me, she's not that attractive if you looked at her long enough."

You know that she's not saying that out of spite, she said all that to make you feel better.

"Saying unkind things about her doesn't make me better, Maeve," you tell her with a glare.

"I'm sorry but it's true," she says with a subtle shrug.

-

YOU: Jamie and I [sighs] We hugged, we cuddled, we slept in one bed together. I don't want to care but the truth is... I care.

-

The day drags on and you're more than happy to get to your bed except that you're not ready to see Jamie and Mia cuddling on the bed you used to sleep on.

You're hanging out with Maeve in the make-up room while she's braiding your hair to pass the time.

"We can sleep together. I'll just tell Killian—"

"And risks Heidi stealing him from you?" You cut her off with a joke.

Maeve laughs as she tied the end of your hair with an elastic band and fixes the loose hair on the back of your head.

"Enough about me. How about you and Killian?"

Maeve plops down on the chair next to you and takes a hairbrush from the table, slowly combing the end of her hair.

"We chatted a lot but not sure if we have that connection," she answers.

"But don't worry, we're getting along just fine," she assures you in response to your concerned expression.

"Is it perhaps because you haven't moved on from Felix?"

Asking her that is like walking on eggshells and you're doing it carefully. Mostly because Felix confessed that he likes you that making it seems that way to you.

"Oh come on! I've moved past that," she answers while twirling her hair around her fingers.

You consider telling her about Felix's confession that night but it comes to no use, the retreat has come halfway to finish and you're not sure if Felix still likes you.

It's close to lights out and you step into the bedroom with Maeve.

Heidi is already taking half of the bed with her long legs that you have to scoot close to the edge to lie down.

"Goodnight, everyone!" Aly says to everyone in the room and getting sleepy mumbles in return.

-

YOU: When I think about it, I'm seeing Lana more than my therapist [uneasy smiles]

-

This is not how you want to start the day.

You don't want to hear what Jamie and Mia did or how they spent $20.000 last night. He probably has pent-up tension and finally got to release it with her.

"You got the watches, man!" Cole is coming at him.

You sit back and watch it from the end of the sofa on how Jamie is trying to explain himself.

"I know you won't believe me but Mia and I, we have a connection," he explains.

"Why not act right and get rewarded?" Cole is jabbing him with words.

"You won't understand," Jamie says with a defeated sigh.

-

YOU: Maybe that's why I doubted Jamie. I can see it now, the bright side [smirks]

-

Nothing says a fresh start than doing yoga with Heidi.

Apparently, she is a licensed instructor and you feel a whole lot better after stretching your body to the limit.

You share the shower with Maeve to cut the time and get ready to dress up.

As you're applying your lipstick, Lana chimes in and makes you jolt in your seat.

Maeve's mouth drops open and she stops curling her hair altogether.

"Hello, ladies!"

"Hi, Lana," you nervously answer and push your chair away from the table.

Then she calls your name and you almost choke on air.

"Y-yes?"

"I'm offering the chance to go on a date with Felix " Lana informs out of the blue.

"Me?" You ask in disbelief.

"Would you like to attend?" Lana asks.

You turn to look at Maeve to remind yourself to be a good friend and a good friend avoid hurting her friend's feelings.

"Shouldn't we make them wait for at least 48 hours for an answer, Lana?" You playfully respond.

Maeve kicks your feet under the table, "what are you doing? Say yes!"

"Then how about you?" You blabber, not expecting that she gives you the blessing to go on a date with her former crush.

"What about me?" She asks in pure confusion.

"Don't you like him?"

Maeve excessively sighs, "I told you I've moved on!"

She kicks your feet again, "Hurry! Say yes!"

You turn to look at Lana in her mixed purple-hued lights and hesitate to say yes. Not only it means you have to start it all over again, but also letting yourself open for another heartbreak.

"Would you like to attend?" Lana asks once again.

-

YOU: I'm not sure if I'm ready to try and restart [sighs]

-

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[demonslayerunhinged]

Uhm...hello...oh my god, okay, this is my first time doing this so I probably should apologize in advance for I just know this is going to be a big yap session (there'll definitely be a question, trust).

I'm rather new to the KnY fandom so I haven't really completed the manga yet (as in, analyzed it) although I've gotten all the Spoilers I could get. I've read the light novels to an extent, too)

Sanemi really became my favourite character although it was a connection I couldn't really explain or express since he unfortunately remains one of the most hated characters in DS, and yes I began shipping Giyuu x Sanemi even though many people seem to think that's weird and came out of the blue.

A Pinterest pin with a link to your page; a post where you had a theory that Sanemi had some form of anxiety...and boy am I grateful to the person who made that post, I've been hooked to your blog ever since.

So, uhm, first of all let me just say that I love all your writings. They're convincing, elaborate, and the amount of research you've put into them is mind blowing! The Obanai analysis, the fandom discourse, to name a few, are some of my favourites. I've only read a few, so you might've already made a post answering a question similar to this, but uh...lemme ignore that. Okay, that's enough...onto the questions.

I wanted to ask you about Giyuu and Sanemi's relationship. One thing critics love to say is that their relationship would be "toxic." (That Giyuu's uncommunicative ways will be irritating and unbearable for Sanemi and since he's shown to be rather impatient, he'd lash out and Giyuu will only become even more quiet.) I genuinely want to know what you'd have to say about this. I can already tell you're an unapologetic GiyuuSane shipper, so I wanna know, as I don't know much about their relationship myself, but found that I adored the ship so much it became too much to bear.

Another thing is about Demon Slayer itself. I'm almost very sure that you are aware of how many people criticize the show. I've fallen in love with KnY and I genuinely want to understand why it's hated so much. So far I've been hearing that KnY is badly, poorly written; it has one-dimensional/ one-sided characters, sucks at world-building, is inconsistent, overrated, mid, cliché, unoriginal and what not. I've seen somebody make a freaking hour-long YouTube video on why DS is that bad. (I'm unsure if you've seen it, though.) Some people say there's way too much plot armour and the villains got nerfed, that Douma vs Shinobu fight was just the author rushing things; apparently the ending was rushed too. Its pacing was "horrible" the backstory dumping and the endless monologue is annoying to them, and "the only personality the characters ever have is their backstory." Someone even commented "the characters are basically caricatures with catchphrases."

I've heard that Obanai's character is boring, inconsistent and lacked development (that his character can literally be summed to "I hate all women except Mitsuri"), that Zenitsu is annoying, terribly written and is wasted potential, that Kanao is a typical Y/N character and that the Kamado siblings are nothing special, and are extremely generic and boring (especially Nezuko, she seemingly has zero personality.) Idk much, but there are some posts on Pinterest saying that all the canon ships except the Uzuis have poor writing. Even Giyuu seems to be a "Wattpad mafia lord who acts like he's carrying too much pain." Basically they're saying the characters are one-sided, lacking in development, mid, the villains are auraless, the anime is cliché and has nothing unique to it, and the only thing that carries KnY is Ufotable's animation.

Now the reason I'm writing to you is because I really, really want to know what your opinion on this is. I mostly think perspectives differ based on how people define "good" or "bad" writing, everyone has varied views; however as much as I want to defend an anime I've surprisingly grown embarrassingly attached too, I think you're better qualified. It hurts when people attack something that's close to your heart, even if it is just a bunch of pixels. I'm probably stupid to get affected by mere criticisms of a damn ANIME this much, but unfortunately this doesn't seem like something I can control. I am a deranged, cowardly escapist so I didn't even watch the criticisms properly but got the gist of it.

Uhm...yeah, I'm very sorry if I sound demanding, you can take your time, it doesn't matter how long it takes to reply (it's okay if you don't even want to reply, needed to get this off my chest to someone somehow), please don't stress yourself out, I've seen all the amazing titles you're preparing for, wish you luck.

(Okay I'll stop now. Sorry.)

Hey Anon,

I hope you're doing well.

Not gonna lie your ask made me tear up a bit especially towards the end of it because I get you, I get you so, so fucking much. Being a Demon Slayer fan, specifically an English-speaking Demon Slayer fan, is tough. It's like everywhere you look, all you see is negativity towards the series. At some point, you start to feel like you're the only one, you start to doubt yourself and feel, just as you described, crazy and deranged for getting so emotionally attached to such a'mid' anime series.

But lemme tell you this. Fuck those guys. Never be embarrassed for getting emotionally attached to a piece of media, that's what makes you human, it means that you have the time to critically assess and think about what you watch instead of just consuming it mindlessly. Creators LOVE people like you, and I'm absolutely sure that Gotogue-sensei would be touched that her work means so much to you. It's better to be attached or be a stan of something than to be a mindless bot wading through life with no passion for anything.

And I'm not just saying this because I'm also a deranged fan. This applies to any piece of media or any anime series. You know your heart, you know what you've been through in life, you know how life especially in this century is so fucking hard where it seems like everything is trying to crush you, where it feels like you're constantly trying to keep your head afloat in a vast ocean of despair being weighed down by, well, everything and if you find that one life raft that keeps you above the surface, that one thing that allows you to keep on going, that one ray of sunshine that makes you think hey maybe the world isn't so bad, as long as you’re in your lane, just enjoying KnY and engaging with the fandom in a positive way then who the FUCK are those barely sentient pieces of shit to take it away from you?

So with that being said, let's explore your concerns

SaneGiyuu is toxic

I feel the reason people think it’s a toxic ship is because a huge chunk of the fandom tends to infantilize Giyuu and vilify Sanemi. Which is a side effect of the lack of media literacy and shallowness that a lot of people possess.

Giyuu is always made out to be this soft, quiet, uwu-baby boy who is in need of protection because he's constantly bullied by the big, scary meanies like Sanemi and Obanai. Which people with working brains will know is far from the truth; Sanemi and Obanai talk shit about him yes, but if talking shit about someone constitutes as bullying then we’re all bullies and I bully my former boss.

Sanemi on the other hand is always made out to be either this irredeemable monster or this dominant, feral, 'hide-your-daughters' type man who's always alpha and on top, grrrrrr, he's both demonized and sexualized by a lot of fans. So with this mischaracterization of both characters, it's no wonder that people will see SaneGiyuu and come to the conclusion that it’s toxic because all they see is this soft, baby-uwu angel being paired up with this rabid monster. They want Sanemi and Giyuu to be Izuku and Bakugou from MHA so badly, which is just dumb. The other detractors of this ship usually lack the ability to recognize subtext or are just plain homophobic, thinking that the ship interferes with their fantasies.

Here’s a list of some posts I’ve made refuting these claims, but also exploring their dynamics. Just like you, this ship is really important to me because of it’s underlying themes of found family, trauma, miscommunication, isolation. And just the comfort of finding someone who has been through the same things you’ve been through and understands your pain.

The Anime is mid

Since you're new to the fandom it’s no surprise that the 'Demon Slayer is mid' comments would get to you, they used to get to me too. Long time fans will tell you how they’ve learned to just tune out the nonsense and focus on the fandom. Like yea yea we heard you, demon slayer is only carried by the animation, when you’re tired of complaining you’ll shut up and go back to snorting the Cheetos dust off your keyboard 🙄. 

I consider Demon Slayer a litmus test on how people analyze media, especially media that doesn’t have elements that they’re familiar with. See, here’s one thing that a lot of people, even fans of Demon Slayer, don’t get. Demon Slayer is a character driven story—every event or fight is done for the development of the characters in the story. That's why the plot is so simple because it’s not about the plot, it’s about the characters. When people criticize KnY’s plot for being simple, I can’t help but laugh because almost all the greatest stories in humanity have simple plots or some none at all.

Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of dudes who travel to a tower to destroy a ring. 

Gladiator is about a fallen general who is out for revenge on the emperor who betrayed him. 

The Matrix doesn't even have a proper goal until the third act of the movie. 

Harry Potter is about a bunch of kids who want to defeat the wizard that killed Harry's parents. 

American Psycho doesn't even have a proper story structure. It's just about a psychotic dude who goes axe-crazy, literally. 

The Star Wars franchise is about a bunch of people rebelling against a dictatorship. 

Sam Raimi's Spider-Man is about Peter facing the Villain of the week.

So why are these stories so close to our hearts? It’s because of the characters. All this talk about characters being nerfed, fights being boring, plot armor, pacing etc. etc. are all plot-related complaints which don’t apply to the story because it’s all about the characters. Those who say the characters are one-dimensional are just fucking stupid, lazy and shallow-minded. The rest don’t even properly watch the anime or read the manga, they just parrot whatever opinions are popular at the moment.

It also doesn't cater to the western gaze. KnY is completely and unapologetically Japanese, it can’t take place in anywhere but Japan. it’s so rich with Japanese culture, mythologies, folktales, and stories that it’s either you get it, try to get it or you don’t. Even the name 'Kimetsu no Yaiba' directly translates to Blade of Demon Destruction and not just any blade either, Yaiba specifically refers to a Japanese sword. It’s a love letter to Japan that celebrates Japanese culture and values so much that it borders on nationalism 😂. This is foreign to some anime dudebros who are used to anime that either takes place in modern Tokyo, Western-inspired fantasy countries, some version of 'San Fransokyo' or the Edo period.

This especially goes for that arrogant streak of shit who has dryer lint for hair that made the 1hr-long video. I’m sorry, but I’ll be damned before I entertain the opinions of someone who thinks Walter White is a great, complex character. Like bitch, you're not some deep, philosophical critic, you’re just a stupid edgelord who just happened to snare the interest of other stupid edgelords who want to feel like their existence and opinions matter in the grand scheme of things.

Here's a video where the creator refutes that asshole's bullshit criticisms. And here are some other positive and more nuanced analysis videos by people who have actual brains and, y'know, HAVE ACTUALLY WATCHED THE FUCKING ANIME AND READ THE FUCKING MANGA! Here, here, here and here. I'll post them in my pinned post and update when I find more stuff.

So please don't feel sad Anon! Nothing any of these cum-stain-should’ve-beens spew out of the cesspool inside their skulls will change the fact that Demon Slayer is a cultural phenomenon that revitalized the manga and anime industry. It is so popular that even the prime minister of Japan is a fan, that it introduced millions of people to not just anime/manga culture but also Japanese culture, that it revitalized the anime industry. There's also the debate about how it apparently outsold the entire comic book industry in 2020 and university researchers have studied and published analysis pieces on the characters. Not bad for a 'mid' series 😤

I hope I was able to answer your questions, and make you feel better. I'm glad you love my work but most importantly:

FUCK YEA!!! WE GOT ANOTHER GIYUUSANE BELIEVER!!!

[gamergirl-niffler]

Reassuring || Teen!Aizawa x Teen!Reader

A/N: This is my entry for the Weekly Challenge! I did my best T_T

It was a beautiful sunny day with the right amount of clouds, making the sun less aggressive.

You groaned when the clouds moved, and suddenly you were hit with sun right into your eyes. Shaking your head you squinted, following your father, a prohero off another patrol.

“Great job, kiddo! As always, you did great! I sent you to the U.A for a reason,” He praised.

It was your second year in the U.A so it meant one thing - Work Study during summer vacation. It was fun, but you wished stuff were different.

Your father looked at you worriedly because of lack of any type of answer or comment from you. “So… how are you holding up, kid? It's been just two days. Despite your eagerness to work, I can't help but worry.”

As the question dropped the sun was again covered by clouds casting a shadow over the two of you. You lowered your head, trying to hold back the tears while recalling the tragic events.

Just two days ago, you and your father were summoned as a support shortly after a big villain attack. For your father it was nothing - day as every day of work, but for you, it was the moment you found out about your best friend Oboro Shirakumo’s cruel faith. 

At least your other friends; Aizawa and Yamade were safe and whole. None of you took it lightly because how could you? Your friend was dead, and all you three could do now was support each other.

“I am… fine,” You nodded, looking at your father. Of course, you did your best to hide your feelings.

He didn't buy it, but at the same time he didn't want to push you nor argue with you. Ruffling your hair, he pulled you closer. “Fine. Let's say I believe you, kiddo. How about your… oh! Speaking about the devil. Ain't it one of your pals?”

You looked in the direction he was looking, and it was indeed Yamada himself.

“You are done for today so go to him,” Your father said, so you did just, quickly greeting your friend. Poor Hizashi looked tired, completely not like his usual self. Which was worrisome.

“Hey, how are you holding up?” You asked.

Hizashi looked away, rubbing the back of his neck. “Guess, I am doing as best as I can.”

“Same.” You agreed with him. It was indeed a difficult situation to take in, especially after just two days. 

“I am worried about Shota, ya know. He was never much of a talker, but now it's even worse,” Yamada explained. “I could go to him, but you know I am “too loud” for him so it will be better for you to go to him.”

You weren't even a little surprised that Shota had the biggest trouble with taking it all in. He was there when it happened. 

“I will change my clothes and go to his place to talk with him. I’ll inform you how it went after.”

“That sounds like a plan!” He agreed with you.

---------------------------

Refreshed and dressed in your civilian clothes, you knocked at the door to Shota’s place. After a brief moment, his mother opened the door.

The talk with her was short and of course contained a mandatory question of ‘how are you holding up?’

When the chat was over, you made your way to Shota’s room. As a good guest and friend you knocked at the door first, but there was no answer so you allowed yourself inside.

“I didn't say you come in, mom,” Shota muttered, not looking away from the book. He was sitting on the floor of his room with his back resting against the bed.

You chuckled.

“Well Hi to you too Sho.”

He looked at you. “Oh, it's you. Hey.”

“What's ya reading?” You asked and sat next to him, taking a look at the pages.

Shota only shook his head.

“At this point… I don't even know what I am reading. I am just trying to distract myself.”

You looked at him and reached over to gently brush hair out of his face. He looked tired and of course sad. “Let me guess… Hizashi sent you, huh?” Shota asked, nuzzling to your hand just a little.

“That too, but I was worried about you myself,” You explained. “Everyone asks me that so now it's my turn; how are you holding up?”

“Amazing! I was there and I couldn't do anything. Maybe if I wasn't myself, MAYBE it all could go way different. Maybe he would be alive,” he growled.

You blinked, looking at him.

“Shota, you didn't know this would happen. No matter what, this was way beyond your control.”

“I am useless. There was a moment I thought I could actually do something, especially after winning with that big villain, but look, I can't even keep my own friend alive,” He argued with you. “I am useless! Powerless.”

“Shota!” You snapped, grabbing his cheeks and making him look at you. “Stop. Stop saying that. Oboro's death wasn't your fault nor does it mean you are powerless,” you told him, tearing up. “I miss him too, I wish he was still with us but… he is not, and he won't ever again be, and I don't blame you or anyone for it.”

Shota lowered his head, and you moved your hand through his hair, ruffling them a little. “Now all we can do is work hard and, well, start this planned agency.”

He sighed deeply and nodded. “Guess you are right. I miss him.”

You nodded, wiping your eyes. “I miss him too but it will get better.”

“Let's hope you are right,” Shota said quietly, pushing hair behind your ear. “I will never forget you saying that.”

[xhxhxhx]

I am not particularly fit for this kind of work. Reading and writing, I mean.

I am not a practiced reader. I never learned to do the things you're supposed to do with books and papers.

I never learned note-taking. Never learned outlining. Never outlined. Never underlined. Never highlighted. Never earmarked. Never made cards and never read from them.

At some point, the amount of information I was meant to digest and recall was simply beyond me. Never learned.

I've carried those vices with me. I have no books marked with my own written notes or highlights. I have no outlines. There's only the printed page with someone else's text.

I still have trouble publishing anything but the first draft.

I have tried something different. I now have something like a vast index, alphabetically arranged, of cases and laws and names, proper and common, with references to the relevant material.

But no notes. I have given pointers and pin points, but no summaries or comments. In the index, my editorial intervention ends with the headings and cross-references. Even that makes me uneasy.

If I haven't learned to take notes, it's not for lack of trying. There are false starts here and there, if not on paper.

The trouble is that I have trouble getting anything out of my notes when I read them. They're verbose. They're wrong. They're inexact. They leave things out.

You can imagine a tradeoff between speed and depth, with less extensive notes summarizing the text and more extensive ones explaining it. But my notes couldn't do either.

I have trouble summarizing or explaining things to myself, to my future self. When I took notes, I left out what I understood too well or not at all. When I read them later, I found them incomplete.

I couldn't learn from my own notes, or recall from them. I couldn't trust them. I couldn't trust my past self to know what I now needed. No matter how much I read and revised, I couldn't get them right.

In the tradeoff between speed and depth, my notes were completely interior to the frontier defined by the original text. To the extent that I have notes now, they're pointers to those texts. Indexes.

That's what I have. Indexes. But indexes aren't notes, and they're poor substitutes for them.

To write, you have to take something from what you've read. That's what notes, I understand, are for: You take notes to preserve your reading for your future self. But not your self as reader, but as writer. They're there for your readers.

Your notes summarize and explain your reading, as you would explain your reading to others. Then you simply carry them forward. "Here," you tell your readers, "I have summarized it for you." Then you write out your notes again, tidied up a little.

I didn't understand any of this until recently. I had never needed to take notes for others before. When people asked for my lecture notes, I gave them what I had taken in class: verbatim transcripts of what the speaker had said. Those were the only ones I had.

I still don't really understand it. But I'm coming to realize how much extensive writing depends on it, or something like it.

To write, you have to take something from what you've read. It's easy to do that from notes. You don't have to read anything and you barely have to write anything. You just copy them down.

But to do it from an index, you have to do it all from scratch. Read again, then summarize and explain, as if for the first time. Because it is. It's the first time you're explaining it for someone besides yourself.

I still haven't learned how to take notes. But I suppose that's what I'm doing here. Trying to explain things, as if for the first time, to someone besides myself.

[volturiprincess]

Rain

Demetri Volturi x human mate reader

Summary: Reader gets overwhelmed with stress and he's there to support her Warnings: mentions of an anxiety attack, but mostly fluff A/N: Omg someone stop me😁, another one-shot post?? I had to write this because as I was taking my breaks I would work on this, its not proofread but the idea of Demetri calling the reader Spanish nicknames is a must have but throw rainy weather into the topic and muah *chefs kiss*. Enjoy and there will be a second A/N in the end. A little translation for my non-Spanish speakers: Mi cariño: dear or darling Mi vida: My life Princessa: princess Mi amado hermoso: My beautiful lover

(I cant believe it took me a while to write a Demetri one-shot)

I burst through our shared room in a panic state and I saw my lovely mate on his special chair. Before I could even react he was already wrapping his arms around me and cuddling me into his chest. I felt the build up tears I was holding back cascade down my cheeks. Demetri was rubbing my back in comfort and I heard him mumble

“Mi cariño, let it all out, I know you need this”

I sure did need this, all of today I was working on a project for a class and I ended up deleting about half of it and couldn't recover it at all. I always threw my computer out the window but instead I stared at the blank page that was staring back at me with what I could assume was mockery. I did manage to remember a good amount of what I had done and it's back to how it is, but I spent a while in a state of shock and denial.

Suddenly I felt myself shaking physically, my heart increase in palpitation and worst of all I could feel my breath becoming shorter. Demetri picked up right away that I was dealing with an anxiety attack and he guided me toward the balcony to the fresh air and the light rain. 

“Mi vida, look its raining, you love the rain, hey look at how pretty it looks”

I turn my head to be able to face the scenery instead of his very well built chest to see how soft and calming it is currently. I told Demetri before that I love the rain, it's my personal safe haven other than his arms. I felt my trembling and shaking diminished slightly, my heart rate started to slow down to a more reasonable way but my breathing was still a problem.

I felt him tilt my head up so I was looking at him and my breath for a minute hitch, he looked breathtaking right now. There were small droplets of rain running down his face which caused his hair to stick to his forehead and his eyes were full of adoration. He looked beautiful at that moment, well he always looks beautiful, I heard him one time arguing with Felix and he ended the conversation with “Dont hate me because im beautiful”. 

I smiled at the memory and soon enough he had a look of curiosity with a matching smile

“What's got you smiling like that princessa?”

“I was just think about your statement to end an argument with Felix, the don't hate because i'm beautiful”

His laughter filled the gloomy atmosphere that the rain created, his laugh sounding like music to my ears. One of his hands started to caress my cheek gently, his coldness immediately sending a small shiver down my spine but also somehow started to steady my breathing.

“Look at you princessa, your doing so good in breathing, such a good girl”

I blush at the praise which he never fails to miss, he knows what praises from him does to me, many thoughts come to mind but I push them away for now since I am still recovering from the earlier events.

“Do you want to talk about it/”

“My computer decided to throw me a whole 360 today”

“A whole 360? Im sorry cariño, but you need to explain that to me”

I giggled at his dumbfounded look, it's always fun to be able to still catch a vampire as old as him off guard with my modern language “Right forgot your like a million years old, I was working on a project today for one of my classes on my computer and I accidentally deleted like half of it but like I barely started it so it was no big deal because I remember what I had so far but it was just so frustrating you know”

He continued to caress my cheek as he nods along to my explanation 

“And it just so stressful in thinking I have so much to do still before this week ends and I feel like I have done what I needed to do but its not enough still and and—”

He placed his finger on my lips to silence me and I tiled my head to the side from curiosity, this is new. His signature smirk spread onto his face at my reaction

“Sorry love, but you started to spiral into chaos and as much as adore to hear you ramble, I started to feel stress myself from your stress”

I looked down in embarrassment but he tilted my head up once again 

“Hey don't be embarrassed cara, it's good for you to talk about what stresses you out, better out and in you know?”

“Your right metri”

“Now care to have a dance with me in the rain then?”

Whining at his request, even if that has secretly been a dream of mine to do “Demi you know i'm not even a good dancer, heck I don't even know how to”

“But that's the fun part princessa, I can teach you and we will be dancing in your favorite type of weather”

“Fair point”

As the rain intensified slightly, he guided my moves with such elegance that I almost felt like I myself am an expert to begin with. The rain at that moment was not a bother, my main focus was my casanova of a vampire that I call mi amado hermoso.

A/N: You know I don't know why I haven't added any Spanish nicknames to my writings, but I will in future (I feel like Demetri would just know all of the most romantic languages). I know I mentioned this in my Alec one-shot but I am working on a Caius one, its a work in progress indeed maybe in the end of this week I might have part one done, who knows?

[acatnamedpusheen]

Dinner & Diatribes (Gabriel Rossetti smut)

Dante Gabriel Rossetti x fem!reader Words: 3.3K (I got carried away) Genre: Smut (18+) with some angst (half of it is literal filth) Warnings: fingering, handjob, oral fem!recieving, edging, unprotected sex (don't do that kids) Summary: The infamous painter Dante Gabriel Rossetti realises he's falling in love with Lord Whitewood's wife, when he's invited to paint her portrait. Lucky for him you're on the same page and things take a heated turn when your husband unexpectedly leaves London and you find yourself unable to stay away from the devilishly handsome painter. (I made Gabriel a lot less of a jerk and the title is one of Hozier's songs that I recently discovered and thought was perfect for this fic.) - A/N: Sorry this is going to be a bit long because I have many things to say. First and foremost, sorry for the super random tags, but I'm trying to reach the Aidan girlies out there and I'm sure nobody goes on the Desperate Romantics tags. Moving on I want to say that this is the first time in 3,5 years that I've been able to write anything and it was so liberating, because I feel like I lost a great way of expressing myself all this time. Nevertheless, please be kind to me, english is not my first laguage, this took a great amount of self pressure to actually be finished over a course of about 2 weeks and it might just be nothing but cringe (don't come at me pls). Now on to the fun part. So, apparently I'm currently hyperfixating HARD on Aidan Turner after watching Rivals and my long hair kink is just making things worse. When I tell you I could literally do anything for him. Writing the smutty part of this fic at some point had me feeling like I was in some sort of high. I mean just look.at.these.eyes dear Lord. Ok enough with the yapping omg, it's getting too tmi.

You didn't even realise how you ended up at his front door in the middle of the night. Or at least that's what you kept telling yourself, in hopes of avoiding or simply delaying feeling the shame of being an awful wife to your husband, Lord Whitewood.

You knew you'd find him there, at the old greenhouse he called home, under the gentle warm light of the candles, working on either some new sketch, or your portrait. And after catching a glimpse of him actually immersed in the latter, you felt your heart flutter. He turned away from his painting abruptly when he heard the door open and for a moment he believed he hallucinated you standing in front of him, because of the endless hours he'd been working on your portrait. But the way you stood there, your chest heaving, your frame slightly trembling from how nervous you were and your eyes glinting that all too familiar spark, he knew you were really there in the flesh. And it felt just like the first time he'd ever seen you, that day at your husband's house.

Lord Dorian Whitewood, a great fan of the arts, had shown interest in the works of Dante Gabriel Rossetti and after paying him a couple of visits to his studio to buy a few paintings, he invited him to his house to request a portrait of his beloved wife. Little did he know, that this would be the very start of a great forbidden love.

Rossetti was known to have a weakness for women. He would never hesitate having his way with any of his models at any time he'd please and could swear he'd never settle for just one woman. Until the moment he saw you sitting in that room waiting for him to start your portrait. He felt something he'd never felt before, but couldn't really explain it. This surely wasn't because of how majestically the light from the window ever so gently illuminated your face or your thick hair that fell freely on your shoulders. No, there was definitely something utterly unique about your aura.

"Lady Whitewood" he paused as he rose from his seat "What brings you here at this hour?" his eyes betrayed hopes that this wasn't really what he thought it was. Of course he couldn't be more pleased with the idea of finally getting to have you, evern for a single night, but he knew this could all possibly lead to a big scandal that would harm his already bad reputation. He never thought his flirting, which always came so naturally, so involuntarily, would actually have such effect on you so as to come running to him in the middle of the night alone.

Did he really worry so much about a potential scandal, though, or was it all just a cover for the fear that he might have actually fallen in love and you'll forever remain out of his reach?

"Dorian is out of town. He left for Oxford this morning, his brother has fallen ill. I might have to travel soon too, but for the time being, he insisted I stay here in London." He stood silent, looking at you straight in the eyes, waiting for your next words.

"I haven't been able to get the thought of you out of my mind, Gabriel." you admitted hesitant to move, while your gaze fell to the floor. Gabriel took a few steps forward instead, until he was right before you, lifting your chin up with one hand, locking eyes with you yet again. Just as he'd done that day at your husband's house while he was trying to figure out which pose would be better for his painting.

"You look absolutely stunning, do you know that?" he said walking back to his canvas after finishing with his adjustements on you. "I'd be lying if I said I'm completely oblivious to this fact." you replied teasingly, without looking at him, maintaining your pose. You were a confident woman after all, never afraid to show it when you had to.

"Does your husband know that?" his voice sounded lower than before making you feel things forbidden for a married woman. Gabriel's question took you so much by surprise that you turned to face him, only to realise he was doing the exact same thing. His eyes fixed on you, his gaze hungry, full of lust. Gabriel was a confident man too, never stopping himself from getting what he desired, never afraid to show it blatantly and straight away.

"Are you trying to tell me something Mr. Rossetti?"

"I'm just making sure that a beautiful woman like you is appreciated in the way she deserves, Lady Whitewood." You turned away, resuming your pose, trying to ignore how his smirk was igniting the heat deep within your core.

You liked your husband Dorian, he was a kind man who treated you well, took care of you. At this very moment, however, you were beginning to question whether you actually, genuinely loved him. He was a dear friend to you and your family, 10 years older than you. The marriage was of course arranged but you'd known Dorian for a long time, you trusted him. Was it ever something more than that, though? You never had such thoughts because, to your bitter realisation, you'd never actually fallen in love with someone. Up until now, that this devilishly handsome painter, who also seemed to be much closer to your age, stood opposite you almost every day, for far too many hours than your sanity would have preferred.

"Would you consider sitting for me for other paintings as well?" his voice interrupted your thoughts after a while of silence. You laughed bitterly."You clearly know this is no occupation for a lady. My husband would never allow it."

"Do you want to, though?" he insisted, not once breaking away from his canvas.

"Mr. Rossetti, are you asking me to go against the morals of our society for what I, a mere woman, want?" you kept looking straight ahead, trying hard not to glance at him.

"Would that be so bad?"

You scoffed at the audacity of his question before answering "Perhaps it really wouldn't, if we were living under any other circumstances."

"And what would the ideal circumstances be?" he continued, acting completely oblivious. "Are we playing some sort of game here, Mr. Rossetti?" you broke your pose again to bring him within your field of vision. "You and I both know what I'm talking about."

"Please call me Gabriel and no, I don't quite understand why someone can't have a bit of fun from time to time" he had left his work and strode his way to where you were sitting. His eyes bore into yours, a subtle smirk danced on his lips.

"Because as I've mentioned, I'm a woman that also happens to be married. And I respect and love my husband." the words sounded so foreign to you as you spoke. You were using every ounce of willpower to stop yourself from rising from your seat and falling in the arms of Gabriel, who was now slowly walking to your side, then your back, trying to carefully pick his next sentence.

An ever so light flinch was inevitable when he placed both his hands on your shoulders. You'd be heavily lying if you didn't admit you wanted them on every other inch of your body as well. He could feel his effect on you. If only you could feel yours on him. He wanted nothing more than to turn you around and crash his lips to yours hard. Instead, he contained himself, and whispered his reply close to your ear: "I don't really believe we'd still be having this conversation if that last part was true."

A knock on the door, brought you both back to reality and Gabriel moved away from you just as the maid came in with some tea. For a split second you believed it was Dorian, having somehow heard everything, coming in to catch you red handed. "If you do change your mind, however, you know where to find me." he gave you a quick wink, referring to his initial request earning him a stern look from you as the maid had yet to leave the room.

"Tell me you never truly wanted me to come. Tell me I shouldn't be here, I should be home, I should stay loyal to my husband." you pleaded, his pained expression was already telling you he didn't want you to leave.

"I could never lie to you, my dear." his lips now inches away from yours, god knew how he had been holding himself all this time. It was different with you. It always had been. He never felt the animalistic urge he felt when he was with a prostitute. No, he felt the need to treat you like fine porcelain, he could never break you. And so he contained himself, only for you to take him by surprise when you crashed your lips to his. His hands instinctively cupped your face as yours found purchase on his shoulders. Before you had time to indulge in one another, however, you pushed him away-one final attempt to avoid infidelity.

"This is madness!" you panted "We have to stop!" tears were welling up in your eyes. You wanted him so much it was painful. Yet, you still tried to convince yourself it was less painful than living the rest of your life knowing you had cheated on Dorian.

"But do you want to stop?" he raised his voice slightly, with a firm grip on the side of your upper arms, making you look at his hungry eyes. "These ideal circumstances that we were talking about are right here, right now. No one knows about this besides us. So if you still truly wish to stop, you're free to leave." he couldn't push you, but could at least try to persuade you. He needed you as much as you needed him.

"You're right I do want to stop, I got carried away, I shouldn't have come in the first place." you lied and felt him slowly release you letting you turn away to leave and put an end to this brief encounter. No sooner had you taken two steps than he caught your arm, spun you around and met you in a heated kiss that you neither could nor wanted to escape.

One hand on his chest the other tangled in his black locks, you let out a quiet moan as you felt him squeeze your waist and swipe his tongue over your lower lip. You granted him access and the groan he involuntarily let out hit you straight in your aching core. Breaking away from your lips, his mouth travelled to your jaw, then your neck, all while his skilled fingers had started working on the buttons of your outer gown. Kissing you was no longer enough, he had to feel you under his touch and was pleased to see you were on the same page as he sensed your hands on his waistcoat.

A pause was much needed for the unbuttoned items to be discarded. Gabriel then watched you take off your petite coat skirt, leaving yourself in nothing but your corset and short undergarment. He was quick to stop you from going any further.

"Let me, sweetheart." his fingertips momentarily brushed over the exposed skin of your breasts before moving to undo your corset, giving you goosebumps. Although very eager, his hands worked steadily, slow even, as if he was trying to imprint every little detail of the moment in his mind. Yours on the contrary, seemed to be moving on their own, finding their way along Gabriel's dishevelled dress shirt and opening it all the way down.

Once your corset was undone, he peeled the straps off your shoulders and took a step back to admire his 'work'.

"Breathtaking" he whispered with a smirk upon finally eyeing your exposed chest under the faint light of the candles and you felt the need to cover yourself. "Don't hide from me, darling." he came closer once more, opening your arms and placing them on his still half-clad torso instead, for you to free him of his shirt.

As soon as it was off, he attacked your lips yet again. The kiss being more heated than the previous, with the addition of the newfound feeling of each other's skin. Gabriel's strong hands on your waist turned you around and pressed you against him, before moving to undo the final piece of clothing separating him from your body, letting it pool around your feet. "Can you feel what you do to me, what you've been doing to me all this time?" he murmured breathlessly on the spot where your neck met your shoulder.

"Gabriel...please..." your voice was barely above a whisper, his erection undeniably pocking your ass through his pants. Hearing his name fall from your lips in such lust coated way, had him loosing his self control, unable to stop his hands from leaving your waist and roaming your bare skin as he kept kissing the side of your neck.

One hand finally found its way to one of your breasts, greedily kneading it earning himself sighs of pleasure. The other hand, travelled south, his fingers brushing your wet folds, to land on your clit."All this for me, darling?" he was panting, already lost in your body and the way you reacted under his touch. "Only for you" you moaned, eyes shut, trying to take in all the pleasure. You couldn't help but reach one hand behind your back and palm him, to which he reacted with a low grunt and a bite on your shoulder.

"Careful darling, you wouldn't want me to paint your skin with my teeth, would you?" he elicited another moan from you before his hands stopped their ministrations to grab your waist and turn you to face him once again. "Now get ready to jump." he flashed you his signature smirk that was enough to have you coming undone right then and there, as you felt him grip the back of your thighs.

You did as you were ordered to, tangling your legs around his waist and slipping your arms around his neck, letting him carry you to the bed and spill you on the sheets. He barely had time to remove his pants, before you pushed yourself up to kiss him hungrily and pull him back down on the bed with you. One hand on the curls you could never get enough of, the other reaching for his cock, gently beginning to squeeze and pump him.

Soon, Gabriel was a moaning and grunting mess around your hand. You had moved to straddle him, while he was propped on his elbows, head thrown back in pure bliss, giving you access to leave kisses on his neck. It wasn't long before he felt he was getting close and that's when he sat up to stop you. "Not yet, I want to give you more." he was out of breath but had no intention of giving himself time to catch it, so he met you in a desperate kiss as he laid you down on the sheets.

"I was thoroughly enjoying it, though." you grinned cheekily once he broke the kiss. "Patience, my dear, for the best is yet to come." he placed one final kiss on your lips before starting a trail down your jaw, neck and collarbones, stopping right on the valley of your breasts to glide his tongue on one of your nipples. Your arms found their place on his toned back as he began sucking, your moans getting mixed with his low grunts. He briefly switched to your other mound, growing too impatient to continue his trail south. Going past your navel, he paused upon reaching your pubic bone and while maintaining eye contact, giving you his dirtiest looks, his hands found your knees and spread your legs further apart.

You tensed and let out a gasp when you felt his mouth on your clit. "Relax darling, I just want to make you feel good." the look he gave you was intoxicating, pupils dilated, lips parted, you wanted him to have you in any way he pleased and so you proceeded to push his head down to where you truly needed him the most. Your fingers found their all too familiar place between his black curls as he ate you out like a starved man. His strong hands holding your hips as his mouth alternated between kissing, licking and sucking, earning himself the filthiest of sounds escaping your lips.

But just as you were starting to feel that all too familiar tightening deep in your core, Gabriel's mouth was no longer on you. Instead, he moved to hover over you, his lips glistening with your arousal under the warm candlelight, hair a mess from your pulling. A sight that definitely seemed like it was coming straight out of a fantasy.

"I need you, Gabriel." you didn't care if you sounded ridiculously desperate, you were for this man. You wouldn't have come running to him in the middle of the night once your husband was out of town if you weren't.

"Tell me how you need me, sweetheart." he knew full well what you were both aching for at that very moment, but still wanted to hear your words.

"Hard and slow, then you can do as you please." you'd barely finished your sentence before he entered you in one swift movement, dragging out a long moan from you to match his own groan. And he did as you asked, setting a slow pace with long hard strokes. You were bitting your lips trying to stifle your moans.

"Let me hear you, let me hear how I'm the only one making you feel like this." this pace was already too hard for him to maintain, he craved more and reached for your clit to get exactly that and the next moan of his name was no longer silent.

He started picking up the pace, his strokes remaining deep. You were both close after previously taking your time to indulge in each other's bodies.

You'd be lying if you said you could recall a time when Dorian had gotten you this close to the edge of heaven.

Gabriel's strokes were now getting sloppier as he buried his face in the junction of your neck and shoulder, his thumb never leaving your sensitive bundle of nerves.

"Let go for me, darling, I know you're close. He was breathless, barely able to contain his release with the way your walls were gripping him. "I want to feel you too, Gabriel." it was all it took for him to loose control and come undone within you. His heavenly sounds pushing you over the edge shortly after. His name was the only thing leaving your lips as your nails run down the tensed muscles of his back.

You rode out your highs and stayed tangled in each other for a few moments, trying to regain a sense of reality. Both dreading to look into each other's eyes after what you'd done. You wanted this night to last forever, the sun to never rise. Hoping that this way you'd never have to face the cold reality in which you were an infidel wife and your newfound lover had to live the rest of his life in the embrace of other women to try and forget the one who had managed to show him how love truly felt.

-

[prentitsluvr]

this was gonna be a post about my emily headcanons but i got way too carried away with literally the first one so this is now a post about why i think emily is autistic. i'm gonna put a page cut in because this post got way longer than i intended LMAO

this is a huge one for me, i literally like, in therapy sessions i've been bringing in compilations of emily from each individual season and explaining to my therapist how the clips make her autistic.

i think she's autistic bc she skin picks, which is a form of stimming and also a compulsive/obsessive behaviour which a lot of autistic people (such as myself) struggle with.

a lot of the time when she jokes/is sarcastic it isn't picked up on by others -- such as in 05x20 when she talks about her 'sin to win weekend in atlantic city', it's most likely that she's just fucking with morgan (because of her confusion at the end of the episode until he clarifies and she suddenly snaps back into that sort-of joke), and also like in 06x10 when one of the police officers (?) is asking her if he could join the FBI if he had a prior and she was like "oh well if it was a mistake" and he was like "really?" and she just looked at him and said no

she's got a pretty monotone voice compared to the rest of the team, and the same with her facial expressions. i love looking at her next to rossi because he's very expressive with his voice and his face, and it puts it into perspective how little she actually moves her face (which is also quite interesting when you compare it to how expressive paget is)

she tends to make kind of strange eye contact. when she does make direct eye contact it's pretty intense and with quite Wide eyes. But a lot of the time she's a little avoidant with her eyes, she might look at the other person momentarily before glancing away again. an episode that comes to mind is 02x11 when she's talking to Hotch and she's talking about her mother and she has to look away before she's able to talk. when i was more masked, i always did this kind of thing, because making eye contact was so intense and took up so much of my brain that i couldn't formulate sentences, so i would look away to be able to think of words and then look back at the person when i spoke

she's really good at sort of acting/pretending to be someone else. we've seen this when she puts on a persona to talk to unsubs, and also when we found out she was undercover as Lauren for 2 years. this is often a form of masking/a sign of a good ability to mask. i know a lot of autistic people who've gone into theatre because they find it so easy to become a character, since they're already essentially acting in their everyday life

she's very secretive and doesn't trust easily. she relies on herself for everything. this could partly be because of her trauma -- her neglect from her mother (and seemingly absent father), which would've led her to have an avoidant attachment style. but it is also a trait of many autists who have learned that others can't be relied on to help us

she thinks very objectively and logically, but is also intensely passionate and has a very strong sense of justice. when she does let her emotions lead her thinking and actions, it's often to more of an extreme. what comes to mind for this is 03x05 when she finds out the little girl is being abused and she gets extremely intense about it (rightfully so) in a way we don't normally see from her.

she actually stims a fair amount. there's a lot of moments of her playing with something like a pen, bracelet, or spoon, and also the aforementioned skin picking. she also often has 't-rex arms', where she holds her arms up at her sides (similar to how reid does, although i feel his are more obvious and emily often only does one hand, which is the same as me)

the way she holds her hands while she's standing is common in autistic people, it's called posturing. she does a lot of small things like this

this post got away from me a little lmao, i could go way more into detail on some of these things (and more that i inevitably forgot about when making this list) but this was not supposed to be this long a post, or focused on just this one headcanon LMAO

[mimicha-arts]

Date: 09/29 SPOILERS FOR S2 Part 1

I don't know how many times I rewrote everything, my documents flew away for dozens of pages, so I will divide my post into several parts.

I like to theorize and explain things to myself, but at the moment every new question that comes up contradicts every answer I found. I don’t have a lot of time now, and unfortunately I have to write first, then translate. So I don't know when I will be able to edit the next part and post it.

In the first post I want to talk about time, number of attempts, and what the original reality is. My friendly reminder - this is all just empty speculation and I'm just having fun (while crying actually). I'm pretty sure that when we get trailers and more information about canon, I'll change my mind a lot. But that's it for now.

Time

The events in s2 take place in a short time. In the last interview it was said that about 3 days had passed. so. October, 23th - Lu Guang was stabbed, Cheng Xiaoshi was interrogated during the day, the events in the hospital placed during the evening. October, 24th - Chen Bin's funeral, Cheng Xiaoshi dived in his photo October, 25th - dive in Li Tianxi's photo, interrogation of Li Tianchen, time loop, Lu Guang's kidnapping October, 26th - everything that happened in the theater and in the tunnel Plus taking into account the time (about a month) they spent in the hospital, ep12 ends at the end of November/beginning of December, congratulations. The start of the new year is almost here, have we really crossed the critical point for Cheng Xiaoshi and he won't be forever 21? Heh.

9/13 is not the date of Cheng Xiaoshi's death,  it has to be 9/12. Below I will describe why I think that this is not his first attempt, and in this case more than 5 minutes have definitely passed. Time has not stood still, seconds are passing. Lu Guang's watch does not say five in the morning, but midnight and five minutes. The date of the password is Lu Guang's reminder, corresponding exactly to the time of the dive. If that's the case, I believe that each new reality is a new password corresponding to the time of  diving, as a reminder of the previous failure. 

Technically, I think that Cheng Xiaoshi actually died at 5:35 in the original timeline - this date was indicated, everything led to it, but in the end it was not shown  in s2 itself. The events in the tunnel do not correspond to this time, since the actions took place earlier (the meeting at the theater was scheduled for 3 am, the rest of the events happened very quickly, the whole action couldn't have lasted for 2 hours and a half, so I think everything happened before approximately 4 am or so).

It coincides too well with this broken time in the Overthink. So, I am desperate enough to believe that  Cheng Xiaoshi's death occurred at 05:35 (as actual time). Even if the specific time in the ED can be perceived as 5:20, because that is literally the reason why Lu Guang broke the time - his wish that Cheng Xiaoshi could live, his love for Cheng Xiaoshi. It is possible that time passed in the original reality - literally from this moment until the last attempt at 00:05. So maybe. While Lu Guang lives one life after another, in fact, Lu Guang is truly “frozen” in this 12-13 September, and not even a day has passed in the original timeline. Why do I think that exactly this amount of time has passed (more than five minutes, but less than a day)?

It’s difficult to say at all that Cheng Xiaoshi died in the photo studio in the first place.

There are changes in the design of their room.

Lu Guang probably washed the blood from his hands, so he spent some time for it, but did not change his clothes, still covered in blood, even has traces of blood on his face. (Did Cheng Xiaoshi touch his face before he died? Did Lu Guang himself cry, covering his face with hands? Oh, boy)

I'll talk about details in the next part.

Again and again

I feel sorry for him. He is the most pathetic, most selfish, most insane person in the universe. I love it so much.

I believe we have not yet seen the actual chronology in terms of events, but we have seen the original timeline in terms of Lu Guang's insane room.

I’m sure this is not his first dive; we have always had the symbolism of constant resets. Again and again, again and again, again and again. I think there have been many attempts. As many as there were photographs he could find - if the ability works the same way as Cheng Xiaoshi use it himself, and he should be the author of the photo, we can only cover our heads with our hands and cry.

This is Lu Guang's POV - Lu Guang already knew that the death node cannot be changed (meaning he already tried), but he still wants to use the very last attempt to try.

He looks so dead inside, it's impossible. In my understanding: he initially used earlier photographs that were closer to September, the death of Cheng Xiaoshi in the original reality, and then dived deeper and deeper into the past, into more distant events.

Let's go back to s1. It is still difficult to say how many times the events were repeated. Lu Guang himself confirmed it in his words that this happened more than once. There have been a lot of attempts, he himself said “no matter how hard you try".

I think that “last chance” meant just that, last chance. From what he said, we know that a photo can only be used once. If s1 showed us the events of the current timeline, which I believe, this was probably one of the earliest photos that Lu Guang could use - a photo that happened before their first meeting. Back to their real beginning. This… tritely has a beautiful and symbolic logic behind it. Current events are “all or nothing.”

The photo studio from the flashback is the original universe, this reality is not destroyed, he returns to it after each original attempt. We know that Cheng Xiaoshi died many times in many different ways. If there have been many attempts, if the attempts are limited to photographs, all he can do is use them from some original point.

Like I think he can't get an "infinite" number of attempts by using the photos again within the "past" he returned to. In my opinion, “dive within a dive” is impossible. I don't think that after diving, there is a possibility of another dive by the same person inside the diving - because it makes more sense if Lu Guang has an invisible timer that reminds him - the time is running out.

I think the design of their room in the original timeline confirms this. Their table is always full of books, there are things, lamps, even framed photo. Everything is empty. If these were the events immediately after Сheng Xiaoshi's death, would their room be so lifeless?

I'm inclined to think that Lu Guang went through all their belongings, used every possible attempt to find suitable photographs that would allow him to try to rewrite the events again.

I find destroyed or burned photographs more symbolic of failed attempts being burned, too - after all, a photo can only be used once, everything is changing, it’s not a time loop. Every used photo, every reality that doesn't turn out well, is another crossed out opportunity. But remembering his words about the destruction of photos - I think that we will see this again in the context of the fact that he destroyed the photos himself. It is quite possible that he destroys the photo after the dive to erase the reality/time where Cheng Xiaoshi died again as a fact. Because… otherwise a terrible situation will arise. If Lu Guang possesses himself from a photo, then after leaving it after Cheng Xiaoshi's death, the original!Lu Guang moves back to the original line, while Lu Guang from the rewritten timeline remains in the timeline where Cheng Xiaoshi is dead (and if the events are rewritten so deeply, it is not at all clear what will happen to his memory). Therefore, I am sure that the original Lu Guang must destroy the photographs because of this as well.

I was wondering if he destroys the photo while diving, right after it - maybe that's how the mechanics could work, I would say, of how he "locks" himself into a certain reality. But since I believe that he should return to the "original point", I do not think that this is possible - if he doesn't need to come back, if he just "dives after diving" further into the next timeline, it won't make sense: more photos can be taken, attempts won't end with a limit. But do I like this idea for the last attempt? That he has to live his entire life from the very beginning without a “save point” to return to? Oh. Yes. Note: I considered the possibility that there is no original timeline as a starting point for diving, that he dives again after diving inside the dive itself, destroys the photo immediately inside the dive, that everything is repeated again, no limit either. Just at some point Lu Guang himself decides there is no point in continuing to use any photos from this period, so decided to use a photo corresponding to the very very beginning. But in doesn't make sense, in any case he will have the opportunity to take more photos that he could use for further dives, this does not create a " the last try" point (even if it was possible, also knowing Lu Guang’s character, I don’t think that he could partly “give up”, partly take such risks voluntarily)

But it's still questionable. Because, if the original timeline exists, all dives were made from there, then a simple problem arises - given Cheng Xiaoshi's ability, all dives take place in “real time”, i.e. in the original reality the same amount of time should also pass. We all understand that this is impossible, it is difficult to imagine how many attempts Lu Guang made, how many years actually passed.

So, if we believe that the “original reality” is a thing, then the combination of their abilities, becoming a “perfect fusion,” has other limits, other specifics of using and/or the original timeline is so broken that time only passes when Lu Guang exists in it.

The original universe… or?

I hope I've made it clear enough before - in my opinion the original timeline was shown to us in terms of the timeline from where he dives into the photos. Their room. Because there must be something that creates a limited number of attempts.

But I have some doubts about the fact that what we saw in the vision or flashback is the original timeline, too. Yes, they could have shown us the very first death of Cheng Xiaoshi, this would even be logical, but the problem is that this is only relevant if we agree that Lu Guang has white hair from birth.

Considering that the hints themselves within the series may turn out to be a joke, I still haven't completely dismissed this idea. The only characters with unusual hair color are twins, but they are like that at least because of genetics, they inherited it from their mother. While the issue with Lu Guang remains open.

Therefore, I am considering 2 simple options: 1. Lu Guang's hair was originally white from birth, so we shouldn't expect him to have a different design in the original timeline. Or Lu Guang's hair turned white before Cheng Xiaoshi's death for some other reason. Then we can safely say that the events of the flashback is the original universe.

2. Lu Guang's hair was not originally white, but his hair gradually turned white with each dive attempt due to overpowering, trying too many times, and overusing his abilities.

If we consider the second option, then:

The flashback events shown to us are one of the later attempts, for example, the penultimate one, which is generally a possible option. That version of death, when Cheng Xiaoshi received a very similar injury to Lu Guang - that why the flashbacks were specifically about this late attempt.

The events shown to us are this current reality in which Cheng Xiaoshi was/has to be the 7th case, and this is exactly the death that was intended for him in this timeline - but this period of time, from April to September, was cut out and "stolen", just as case 7 disappeared. And that in the most recent attempt, not only was time rewritten “from the very beginning,” from the very first photo, but something else happened to prevent Cheng Xiaoshi’s death at the appointed time.

The one who was supposed to die in the photo studio when Lu Guang was stabbed - was Cheng Xiaoshi himself, and what was shown was not a flashback, but Lu Guang's vision of how things could have been different (if we perceive the forest not as a literal location, but a symbol) . I doubt it, but let's leave this possibility open.

Why do I even think that the white hair theory could be real? Of course, maybe it's just the light, but maybe… Due to Li Tianxi's memories and abilities, taking over the memories from the other reality in which Lu Guang lived, Qiao Ling's hair also changed a bit. Pay attention to the only white strain in her hair. This is an extremely interesting and rather intentional detail.

If this is the case, then Qiao Ling's white hair is a hint. This does not mean that every attempt is 1 white strand of hair. It's not that… literal. This is an artistic way of allowing the viewer to speculate if this is the case.

I'm not betting on any particular idea, given that things can't be that simple and we don't really know how September-April will be explained. Another problem is why Lu Guang is wearing a watch on his other hand in this shot. Everything may be different, case 7 may be about a completely different character. But I also think many things will be connected at some point.

Photos and OP

There are a lot of photographs. So many. As we remember from Dive Back in Time. There will be two key ones - thanks to Vortex.

One of which is precisely related to the moment that allowed Lu Guang to travel 6 years (or more) into the past - to the moment they even met. Would this be a photo at school? Was it an accidental photo left behind? I have much more painful though. Their “very beginning” has a huge chance of not being high school time, but as I mentioned before, I’ll leave that for a separate post.

But the other one? I can’t imagine clearly, of course, but for me there are 3 ways:

This is about the current timeline - September-October were influenced by the use of a different photo - it will let us understand what the 7th case and one of the main storylines.

The starting point from where Lu Guang began his attempts to save Cheng Xiaoshi and change his fate. The core one.

If we believe the hints in the art book, the intro, the dark design of Cheng Xiaoshi, then the photo will be from the moment where something happens to make CXS become depresso!CXS.

I had hopes that the teaser would be about s3, and thus something would become clearer in my head, but… For now, we can only build theories for the next year or two.

Thank you for reading ~

[ghostsandmirrors]

I think I'm going to be stuck thinking about this one bit of The Wakanda Files for roughly the rest of my life.

so I own that book and the vast majority is Stark tech which... isn't that useful, I'm gonna be honest. I'm sure the two sections of Iron Man suits is fascinating but I wanted metal arm information. got information related to Ultron and Nat, tho!

not the point.

the point is that there's also about 4 pages of information related to Hydra and their treatment of Bucky and about 2 pages of that information is just Shuri being judgemental towards Hydra, as she should.

(specific example; photo taken on mobile)

in amongst her judgements is shit like, 'it is a wonder he [Bucky] can recollect anything at all, with the damage to his hippocampus.'

'His limbic system was, and still is, like a Christmas Tree on psychotropic drugs.'

the implications with both the limbic system and the hippocampus (tho the hippocampus is part of the limbic system) is like... I wonder if she ever told him. like, 'do you like knowing about the human body? 'cause your brain is FUCKED.' do you think he would've just sat there like, 'y'know... that explains a lot.'

because like, damage to the hippocampus means you don't create long-term memories anymore. damage to the limbic system, as a whole, which I think is what makes it light up on scans, can mean anxiety and panic, and problems sleeping, and intrusive thoughts, and... 'a sense of detachment from self or others.'

which like, is already what you'd expect from someone who's been through trauma, but now you just get to add memory issues that will never stop to that.

another bit I want to note down is this, because uhhhh.

first of all, 'An EEG on Barnes revealed just how murky and extensive his brain damage was.' the MCU treating him as a joke a significant amount post-Civil War feels worse than it did before I read those words, I'm not gonna lie. man's a WWII vet and has 'extensive brain damage' and the MCU writers are like 'haha he's so incompetent. he's borderline useless despite his training as the Winter Soldier. haha what a fuckin scrub. normal humans can go toe-to-toe and characters the audience is supposed to like are allowed to just treat him like shit because it's funny.'

I almost wrote a ranting essay about that last year and I stopped myself but... the fact that I could still write it and it could be worse is upsetting me.

anyway, 'while in this induced [dream-like, brainwashed] state of mind, his short- and long-term memory were constantly in flux.' this motherfucker lied to Stark. he don't remember shit. which Seb did say in an interview when CACW released. he was like 'yeah nah he was lying' and I was like 'it's more angsty if he wasn't ' but like... it's more angsty if he thinks he doesn't because it felt like a dream and he only remembers parts and the fact that I have never had a Tony to explore that kinda thing with 'cause every Tony seems to just not care is hurting my soul.

also 'the sight of a loved one' about Steve. 👀 history and Shuri calls them 'best friends' and I call them 'queer'.

[hewkii]

Demystifying Splatband Signatures

Recently I've seen people talking about Acht and Paul's signatures apparently being right next to each other on a Grandfest banner. I really want to believe it bc that's adorable, but after spending entirely too long digging for a source, making spreadsheets, and attempting to identify each signature for myself I've concluded that it's most likely not true :(

full ramble below. get ready for an autism blast

So to start. It's probably decently well known at this point that the signatures outside Hotlantis correspond to every artist that had battle music in Splatoon 1 and 2. However, if you tally up the number of band members (36) vs the apparent number of signatures (37), we wind up with one mystery signature.

After skimming the artbooks and Inkipedia I didn't find anything officially matching any signature to any specific characters (besides the idols), but online I found two fanmade charts attempting to do it themselves. One by @/inaRNP on Twitter in August 2022 (which is missing one signature, and assigns the mystery sig to Karen), and another that circulated on Discord before being reposted to Tumblr in November 2022. This second one seems to be where the idea that the mystery signature belongs to Dedf1sh comes from. It definitely seems more likely than it being Bob Dub or something.

HOWEVER. Acht's lore in Side Order heavily contradicts this theory. In all likelihood they were autopiloting around the Deepsea Metro from the end of OE right up until they got pulled into the Memverse, never coming anywhere close to Hotlantis. It is possible that it was intended to be theirs but plans changed, as technically SO's plot wasn't nailed down at Splatoon 3's launch, but to that I point to Haikara Walker. If they were intended to have escaped the Metro after OE, then they likely wouldn't have opened at the Low Water Party. (page 261 if you don't know what that is)

But with the signature's reappearance on the Grandfest banners, I think I've worked out exactly what happened here.

According to the charts, these are the signatures of Paul and Taichi. Both were noticeably redrawn for their appearance on the Team Past banner, and I think that's the key to solving this whole mystery. Redesigning Paul's makes sense; he was a kid when he did the first one and he's a teen now. Of course his handwriting would change. But why redesign Taichi's?

Or, what if what we thought was Taichi's signature was actually just part of Paul's the whole time?

That would bring the amount of Hotlantis signatures down to 36, meaning there was never an extra signature to begin with, and the mystery signature simply belongs to a member of Sashimori.

Of course, that still doesn't explain why it's so far away from the other Sashimori members. But then again, Paul's is also pretty far away. Maybe there just wasn't enough room to group them together like everyone else ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Plus, it's next to everyone else's on the Grandfest banner. Speaking of which...

Here's my guesses as to whose signatures are whose on the banners, including the new ones. forgive the microsoft paint

Things to note:

I can't actually tell how many new signatures are on the Team Present banner. I just circled all of them and called it Yoko & the Gold Bazookas, but there are only four Y&tGB members that aren't also in Ink Theory and there definitely seem to be more than four signatures there. we might have an actual mystery signature on our hands this time

Front Roe's sigs are different than the ones on Hotlantis, but I'm confident it's them because they all have 00X (as in 003Soss) worked into them.

dot--png pointed out in the comments that one of the signatures I guessed was Riot Act seems to have a doodle of a squid, so that might actually be Beika's

Team Past doesn't have any Splatoon 3 characters on it, which makes sense now that I think about it

i made a whole ass spreadsheet to help me figure this out and i feel like it would be a waste not to link it here

[supersonic1994]

I'm such a huge fan of your fics. silly little fics are fun and lovely but yours seem so thought out and psychologically nuanced. I was wondering, how do you go about writing these fics? what does your research process / writing process look like and when do you know you're happy with it? is there something you want to convey in each fic or just a feeling? love love kiss kiss as always and congrats on your good grades <3

This is the sweetest ask ever, thank you anon for putting a soppy little smile on my face ♥︎

The way I write fics is so hard to explain, because it's like being possessed. 90% of the fics are written in one sitting where I'll write them start to finish no bathroom breaks, no eating, no water, just me and my laptop. I'm not even really thinking clearly. I'm just writing from the soul and heart. I write what I know for the most part, and I attach myself to a certain emotion and just expand upon that in a literary sense, which is probably why my fics are very psychological. For me personally the atmosphere of a fic can make or break it—I want to convey the tone more than anything. Dialogue between characters don't matter as much to me.

Untitled was a bit different because I had to break it up into multiple chapters, and it was the longest thing I'd ever written. Maj helped me so very much because they were able to help me with research and also point out any errors before publishing, and they also helped with sentence flow. I love Maj as my editor, because I think our writing styles really work well together. But besides the technical aspects, the dark and heavy tone of Untitled came from my own emotions and feelings on the matter. I would usually camp out on my bed + play Untitled Demo and Poison Tree by Grouper on an hour long repeat while smoking copious amounts of weed, just letting myself bleed emotion onto the page. Besides time framing there wasn't much research that had to be put into that fic. It's all 100% emotion.

To See It only took two hours for me to write, and then I sent it to Maj for editing as well, and they did a spectacular job smoothing out sentences and fixing any spelling errors (a fact about me is that i despise editing and try to avoid it at all costs). To write it all i had to do was get inside Liams head, which sounds complicated but I've always been able to do so when it comes to writing. It's very easy to slip into the mind and skin of someone else if your heart is open wide wide wide

Rejection Theory i had to do some reading for, despite knowing that repression and ED'S went hand in hand (i used to go to hospital for an ED, so i was very aware of its affects psychologically) and I compiled mentions of noel's restrictive eating tendencies. It inspired me to write that fic, and so it's pretty self indulgent for the most part.

Deviant Peace, Flying High, To These Ends of Separation, Come On Baby Blue (Shake Up Your Tired Eyes), and My Sister Lover were just fun little ficlets where ideas sprung up thanks to the brothers tweets and/or lyrics. I didn't have to think too deeply on them—just let emotions guide me again. I like to have fun with it even if the subject matter can be a bit dark. I love realism.

Ghost Dancer is probably one of my least favourites because I think its mediocre but enough people seemed into it that i kept it. I wrote it when I was VERY new to oasis and had to simply get all those emotions out of my body

[xclowniex]

you've reblogged some posts about how people hide their antisemitism in antizionism. I'm trying to educate myself further, could you please explain how?

It's great that you are reaching out to educate yourself further.

Zionism as an ideology just means that the State of Israel should exist in one form or another in Southern Levant.

Zionism is not an inherently violent ideology. Just like with any ideology, there are those who are violent and those who aren't. Not all zionists are jews and not all jews are zionists.

Zionism also doesn't mean that Palestine can't exist. Palestine isn't even mentioned in the base ideology of Zionism. You can have zionists who believe in Palestine not existing, however that is not zionism. That is an added on opinion to zionism, like a side to a main meal if we are to use a metaphor.

If you believe in a two state solution, you are a zionist as you believe that the state of Israel should exist.

Some people hide their antisemitism behind antizionism. People who do that usually wouldn't have the opinion that they do about Israel for other countries. Whilst not all Israeli citizens are jews, Israel is mostly comprised of jews. The fact that a person is having a certain opinion only about a jew majority country and not any other country is cause for concern. What about that country is different to other countries? The answer is a majority Jewish population.

An example of anti a country when it's really about hating jews, which does not involve Israel is South Africa's immigration policy in the 1930's. SA limited the amount of immigrants from countries with a high Jewish population but did have any limits for low Jewish population countries. On the Wikipedia page about that, it is called antisemitism and I think most people can agree that it is antisemitism as the only reason why those high Jewish population countries are limited is because if their high Jewish population.

So as you can see, before Israel's existence in the modern world, jews have faced antisemitism hid as being against a country.

If the amount of jews a country has is the only difference as to why they are getting special treatment negatively vs other countries, that is antisemitic.

Genuine critiques of the Israeli government is valid and is not antisemitism. Critiques of the Israeli government which you wouldn't have about any other government is antisemitic.

A lot of people will call unvalid critiques antizionism even though it counts as antisemitism.

The best way to know if someone is hiding their antisemitism as antizionism is to go "does this person hold the state of Israel to different standards than other countries" if the answer is yes, then you are seeing antisemitism.

Another form of antisemitism being held as antizionism is if someone views all zionists as being violent and anti Palestine. As I touched on earlier, zionism is not inherently either of those two things. Yes some people can be both of those thing, a zionist and violent/is anti Palestine, however zionism is inherently neither of those things.

If you believe that a state of Israel can't exist without Palestine being destroyed, why? Because it's never been successful as peace? Communism has never been successfully implemented yet a lot of antizionists believe in Communism and don't think doing so is wrong or harmful. Israel has never broken a ceasefire before. So its not like there hasn't been attempts for Israel to exist alongside Palestine from Israel.

If someone believes that all zionists are violent and hate Israel, it also poses the question of why someone believes that an ideology born by jews is inherently violent?

Now getting into my personal opinion to take this as you will.

Antizionism is impossible to implement without harming jews. If you got rid of the state of Israel, what happens to the jew who lived in Israel?

Jews are not allowed to immigrate to Gaza by Hamas. Hamas wants to kill all jews. Do you really think that will stop once Israel no longer exists? What's the other alternative? Forcing all jews to immigrate to other countries? How well do you think that is going to go when over 6 million people need to move to other countries. Think about refugee crises. Those have not been handled well. Do you think that potential crisis of having to rehome 6 million jews will be handled with ease? Wanting either of that is antisemitic not antizionism.

A one state solution for either country will not work and therefore a two state solution needs to be put in place which Israel has wanted since its existence in the modern day.

[mrghostrat]

I remember you posting a blurred gif of the outline of atws, so if you don't mind me asking, how do you do that? Like, get the outline onto paper and not just scenes in your head. That's something I've always struggled with, because it's hard to write without an outline, but hard to do the outline when I don't have a first draft? I'm not sure how to explain it so I hope this makes any sense at all lmao

ahh so fair! some people just don't operate that way and you gotta do what's best for your brain. no point exhausting all your energy trying to squeeze into a "standard writing process" that'll make writing even more difficult for yourself.

under the cut, i'm going to explain my writing process every step of the way, using scenes of ATWS. i hope it helps in some way? i don't think it's anything special, but this is just how i write to appease my adhd.

first, this might help: i once used storyplanner.com when i didn't know how to even start a story and i loved it. it's a great tool that can hold your hand every step of the way, or just prompt you to think on your own. there's over 20 planners that ask different questions like "what's your character's major flaw?" "what's the inciting incident?" "what outside elements hinder the character?" etc that will present you with a complete story structure when you're done with it.

ok, now, how i write:

as for the post in reference, that's the 2nd stage of my writing process. i get carried away with tangents and hone in on details, so i plan in dot points to try and force myself to keep it simple and stay zoomed out.

i just write what happens in chronological order, and if i have an idea for a later scene (or something that i just want to happen, but don't know when/where/how), i note that in a separate document that i can refer to while i plan. this also allows me to gloss over vague sections to keep my writing flow going.

stage 1:

i've started using Notion's "toggle list" feature to minimise the less important parts of a scene and keep myself focused on the overarching plot during this stage. this is what the first point looks like:

i go beat by beat, essentially amounting to an elevator pitch for each stage of my story. "crowley and aziraphale are streamer roommates" + "people start to notice they each live with someone and the speculation starts" + "crowley and aziraphale interact on twitch" + "they attend the edinburgh meetup" etc.

i finish a story before i move on from this stage. i won't start writing something in earnest until i know how it ends.

stage 2:

this is what you saw in my gif, and why that page was so long. that's every scene i'm going to write in the story.

sometimes i jump straight from stage 1 to writing, but ATWS required a lot more figuring out before i started any kind of prose. here i'm basically noting down the details of what each scene is, the brunt of what's happening. this is when i have to figure out those "vague sections" i glossed over earlier.

it's still just intended to be a rough outline so i know where the characters are and what's moving their relationship along. most of these dot points are short because i've already thought about them a thousand times, and may have more details noted down in a different document.

meanwhile some of them i'm planning out the scene as i'm dotting it, making not of dialogue that i want to include.

stage 3: my bracket method

i only use this stage when i'm struggling to write and need to baby step into it. this is my "bracket method" in which i write the scene without, like... caring? some people may consider this "double handling" which may drive you mad, but it's the most helpful thing i've ever done for my process.

i switch tenses, i write how i chat (no capitals etc) and just word vomit the scene without focusing on prose. ATWS came quite easily at first, and i didn't need to use stage 3 until i got to chapter 4 and hadn't written in a few days.

stage 4:

this is writing the actual prose, but i wanted to include it so you can see the differences, to help better understand my notes/planning/outlining stages:

and this is what a scene looks like with stage three bridging the gap:

[kitkat-corner]

Hey I have seen age regression in places before but I don't really know what age regression is, can you explain it?

I wanna know more and can't find any helpful stuff for it

Hi!! I’m super happy to answer this ask for you and I’ll try my best to go as in depth as possible!!

An in depth description of age regression and littlespace

Age regression (also referred to as littlespace, agere, regressing, etc) is a coping mechanism where the person regresses back into a childlike mindset. This is usually due to trauma or a bad childhood.

Think it as the “healing my inner child” trend on socials. Some people’s “inner child” needs a little more healing than others. Thats where age regression comes into play.

While the terms age regression and littlespace are used interchangeably (by myself also) they are a bit different in definition.

• “Littlespace” refers to the act of slipping into a regressive episode that will soon pass within a few hours. This is mostly what people in our community talk about when we mention age regression.

• “Age regression” is the umbrella term for mentally reverting back to a younger mindset. This can include trauma episodes of regression where the person may not know they are really an adult or teen and struggle with basic functions, medical conditions that cause permanent mental regression over time, or littlespace.

The terms are able to be used somewhat interchangeably, as all littlespace is part of age regression but not all age regression is caused by littlespace. Think of it like how a square is a rectangle but a rectangle isn’t a square.

Since my page is about littlespace (and I’m sure you’re asking more specifically about that, as most people think of littlespace when they bring up age regression, myself included) I’ll be talking about specifically that community, however feel free to send in an ask about anything else you’re unsure about!!

Regressors (people with littlespace) generally fall into different categories on what age they mentally fall back into.

• Babies - Age 0-1

Baby regressors are almost entirely or are entirely dependent on a caregiver to watch over them. They may forget about their basic needs, suffer from some amount of bladder incontinence. Baby regressors may babble or be completely nonverbal, which makes it hard to communicate their needs, much like a real baby.

• Toddlers 2-3

Toddler regressors are more capable of doing things on their own, which makes regressing on their own easier, except they still are mostly dependent on others. They may forget basic needs such as eating or showering and need near constant attention. Toddler regressors may have trouble communicating, while not all of them do. Toddler regressors are able to play with toys and watch cartoons more comfortably than baby regressors, but may become fussy and cry if frustrated. It’s important that they take breaks and have regularly scheduled naps with a set of rules.

•Young Children 4-5

Young child regressors are more independent than the kids younger than them, however they still would benefit from having a caregiver. It’s more comfortable to regress on their own without someone to watch them and they can occupy themselves with coloring and videos on YouTube. Still watch cartoons and play with toys. May have graduated on from sippy cups and pacifiers, but a lot still use them for comfort. They still want attention but don’t require as much as babies and toddlers.

•Middles 6-10

Middles are the oldest type of regressor. They may feel “too old” for some toys and cartoons, and don’t regularly use sippy cups and pacifiers. Middles may be more interested in sweets and adventure. It’s still important to have rules on things like bedtime and not stealing too many sweets, however it’s entirely possible to be comfortably regressed as a middle. It’s also much easier to mask in schools as a middle.

There’s typically 2 types of regression that people experience. This is “impure” vs “pure” regression

• “Impure regression” is usually a stress response. It’s your tantrums, crying, throwing a fit, meltdowns, panic attacks, etc. it’s almost never intentional and can be mentally exhausting.

Why would you want to impure regress if it’s just crying and stuff? It can be extremely therapeutic to handle crying as a child rather than as a teen or adult. It’s also sometimes quicker to calm yourself down as you can use comfort items like pacifiers and plushies. For me, having a meltdown in littlespace and then being able to work through that leaves me with a sense of realization I wouldn’t have gotten otherwise.

• “Pure regression” can be intended or unintended, but is generally the “good” type of regression. Playing with toys, watching cartoons with a snack, etc. it’s generally happy and what most people think of when they say they say they want to try out the coping mechanism.

Why do you regress on purpose? How do you regress unintentionally? Regressing on purpose is done because it’s a coping mechanism:D sometimes you just have a really long day and you need a way to calm yourself down and be grounded. Regressing unintentionally can be because of any sort of trigger you may have. Regression can be triggered by a familiar scent, loud noises, being yelled at, a certain cartoon they watch when they’re little, etc!

How do I know if regression is right for me?

There’s no harm in trying it. It can be a bit embarrassing at first, I myself still struggle with a lot of embarrassment regarding talking about my regression, especially with people I know irl. If you feel comfortable putting on a cartoon and making yourself a little snack to try to make yourself feel like a little kid again, why not? If you absolutely hate it then there’s no harm in that!

How can I support a friend with regression?

Let them talk about it if they want to, but don’t be pushy about it. Assure them that if they regress around you it’s okay! You’ve already taken a great first step by reading this post^^

What’s up with this caregiver thing?

Caregivers are designed caretakers of regressors. They act like parents or siblings (or just a watchful and caring eye.)

Sometimes caregivers will have a specific nickname such as “mommy”, “daddy” or something specific to them, or sometimes it’ll just be no nickname at all. (personally I don’t call either of my caregivers by any sort of nicknames!!) Since regression is so deeply personal, being a caregiver is too. It’s important to set boundaries about what you are and aren’t comfortable with.

Closing notes

Regression is important because it’s a healthy coping mechanism, which is surprisingly hard to come by. It’s something specifically made to cope with childhood trauma in a personal way. In a sea of harmful coping mechanisms such as cutting, pr0$hipping, hypersexuality, bullying, etc, regression is a much needed breath of fresh air. It’s something people find community and comfort in, and I think that’s beautiful.

[outlast-art-therapy]

February 7th, 1960

The first set of pages was the start of a deluge. Folder after folder, each thicker than the last. Then they started arriving in boxes. I could only laugh at the first box, then scoff at the next. By the time the tenth box arrived, I was borderline weeping. I asked about this sudden influx of submissions, to which I was met with laughter from the guards. They took great pleasure in informing me that the works were a backlog left by my predecessors.

"You think you're the first fancy art doc they brought out here?"

I hadn't considered the idea. Of course, I'm not the first. How many other professionals were dragged here and kept against their will? What happened to them? I don't think I want to know.

Despite the idea that I may join my kin, that isn't what I find so disturbing. It's the amount of work. Hundreds of pages. Yes, most of it is obviously forced. After all my years of service I've seen this kind of work before. Pieces drawn by individuals who know what is expected of them. If I draw something happy, the doctors will think I am cured. It's often more chilling than the real artistic expressions. These fake lives and fake happiness. It was haunting.

Yet even though most of it was of that low quality, the sheer quantity left me wondering how many patients were here? How long had they been here?

More importantly, what had I gotten myself into?

Still, I am nothing if not headstrong. I was brought here to do a job, so I set myself to the task. The next few days were hectic. Settling into my prison was a nightmare of its own, but fishing through that mountain of therapeutic art was real work. Again, the colorful pages of sunshine and smiles were unsettling. Page after page of mask after mask. The atypical happy home life, complete with a huge house and a big tree in the front yard. As I fished through them, I began to entertain the notion that maybe the artists had been instructed on what to draw. They were too similar to be coincidence. I understood why my predecessors left this untouched. It seemed like a joke. I just didn't understand what was intended to be the punchline.

Or who.

After a few days of this nonsense, I steeled my resolve and decided to take my concern up with Easterman. To my surprise, he confessed to knowing the pieces were similar. He cooed and purred in that hypnotic way of his, explaining that the subjects had indeed been influenced.

Not instructed, he clarified. Influenced.

It dawned on me that he meant these ideas were fed to the subjects subconsciously. Subliminally. I blurted this out to him, without thinking. Easterman just chuckled, all the while smiling.

"I knew there was a reason I liked you," he said.

I returned my room even more confused than before. Why haul me all the way out here only to treat me like this? Shortly after our meeting, his gun wielding goons came and cleared up the boxes. All of them. Then, one returned with a single, slim folder. They handed it to me with a grim nod, all previous humor gone, and said, "Welcome to the trials."

I knew then that Easterman hadn't been toying with me. He had been testing me. And warning me. I wasn't just here to study. I was here to be studied. I was one of his subjects, under just as much scrutiny as the others, if not more. Even though I had passed his perverted idea of a hazing, Easterman was always in control. The thought made my stomach churn.

The new folder contained art so different from the previous lot I nearly cried out in surprise and relief. On the surface were the same colorful outlines, yet there was an obvious sickness present on every page. Instead of happy families, there were mutilated corpses. In place of warm homes, there were cold ruins. I was disgusted by my own delight. So much sex and violence and madness. Like a feral animal feasting for the first time in weeks, I didn't know where to begin.

Until I saw the yellow peeping from the edge of a page. It was another legal pad drawing like before! This time, I did shout in surprise.

Just as before, the page was small, much smaller than the standard examples. As if the patient was cautious of their resources. Again, we have black on yellow in stark strokes. A nightmarish figure in a gas mask, with the words "BE COOL BITCH! BE COOL!"

I will include the piece here.

My initial thoughts:

The figure wears what appears to be a gas mask, which could symbolize anonymity, detachment from humanity, or a need for protection. The gas mask could indicate exposure to a toxic environment, meaning they have survived something traumatic. The ragged clothing and exaggerated features add to an eerie, almost post-apocalyptic or horror aesthetic. The background suggests a fractured mental state. The phrase “Be cool, BITCH! Be cool!" suggests an obsession with control or enforcing a specific behavior, possibly through intimidation. The contradiction between "be cool" and the aggressive way it’s presented hints at underlying instability or cognitive dissonance. This character could be a manipulator, someone who forces their ideology onto others through fear. They may have once valued "coolness" but now enforce it through violent or extreme means. They might be an enforcer of a twisted social norm, punishing those who don’t conform. This character likely has a mix of paranoia, control issues, and aggression, shaped by trauma or a delusional belief system.

Possible diagnosis:

Delusional disorder (persecutory or grandiose)

Antisocial personality disorder

Schizophrenia

Obsessive compulsive personality disorder with aggressive enforcement

PTSD with dissociative features

I'm once again stunned by this work. Such aggression and need for control. It's obviously the same artist, but the work presents a scattering of possible problems, I would be unsure how to proceed as a therapist. I would need to see more from this patient before I could formally diagnose.

Much more.

I searched the rest of the folder but came up empty-handed. I should add I had kept an eye out for yellow pages when scouring the previous lot with no success. I almost regret that the original pieces are gone now. I will ask about them tomorrow. I want to make sure I didn't miss anything. Until then, I will squirrel these two pieces away for myself. A secret treat that only I can access. My yellow and black prize. A hornet that only stings for me.

Dr Gabriel Walton