#i don't guarantee an easy find tho

[morally-black-cloud]

“Wait, if it balanced itself by removing him, doesn’t that mean that something with equal weight has been added?”

-Rose Anon

".... Maybe?" She seems a bit lost.

[notanothermacdennisblog]

i gotta talk about frank v russia cuz i was rewatching it again and whoever said it was a fever dream of an episode is so right, there's just so many implications to dissect i didn't catch them all at first.

the beginning of the episode sets up dennis's motivation to pass the effort of helping everyone around him onto someone else... by him putting an enormous amount of effort into finding normal dates and teaching mac and dee to be normal enough to hold onto normal people (i can't imagine how this would keep mac and dee from bothering him tho cuz they'd just come back to him asking for more relationship help, dating a normal person doesn't make relationship issues go away). the enthusiasm he shows when checking in with them after the dates shows this amount of effort was worth it to him. one could argue it's because deep down he cares about their growth, he mistakenly thinks this will get them to leave him alone, or that he's attracted to the thrill of the ruse. mayb it's some combination of all three, but given that he could have always just ignored them or left, to me his hard on for control and deception points to the latter for the most part.

which further explains his flimsy justification of catfishing mac just to "get him out of the apartment." like if that was his sole goal there's a million other ways to accomplish that. ways that don't include: creating a profile guaranteed to get mac to match with him, chatting long enough to establish an emotional bond (altho that's not the hard part when mac falls for anybody who shows him a modicum of affection), and buying and sending him remote controlled anal beads as some sort of complicated signal system when simply texting "meet me at the motel" would suffice.

we're talking about a man who started a cult just to get mac to stop eating his thin mints. who drugged mac with diet pills, convincing him they were "size pills" just because he was unhappy with mac's weight gain. the exploitation of mac's body dysmorphia serves not only as a means of keeping his self esteem in check so he's more easily pliable ("you've been looking so sexy, so this... this is disappointing, at least to me" in ass kickers united; "mac did you gain some weight?" at the end of the gang makes paddy's great again), but also to mold him into an idealized physique that he's attracted to, and the unnecessary inclusion of anal beads in this ploy is the logical conclusion of obsessing over mac's appearance.

it was never just about getting the apartment to himself, or even just seizing an opportunity to manipulate, even if those both played a role. there's just no heterosexual explanation for the full extent of what this episode is implying.

so it still seems odd that dennis would want to sabotage a system that was working in his favor logistically and emotionally, essentially giving up the thrill (and safety) of inhabiting another man's skin in order to admit things he could never feel secure enough to admit even to himself. was johnny becoming too difficult to maintain? maybe dennis was motivated to pass mac onto someone else because he was running into a wall trying to figure out how to keep mac interested while avoiding the obvious issue of meeting in person. an effort to self sabotage when things started to get too close for comfort, when he could feel a certain loss of control.

the "johnny doesn't love you, he doesn't even like you" was enough to send me reeling that it was too easy for me to pass over all of this the first time, what a red herring. there's not another man as toxically obsessed w his roommate/work husband in crime/life terry mac as dennis is, while also being so self-deluded he has to make up half-assed excuses just to convince himself this is normal behavior.

[raven-at-the-writing-desk]

Hey!! I really admire your writing so I thought that maybe you could lend me a hand w smth... Do you happen to have some tips or exercises to get out of a writing block?

Or well, idk if I'd call what I'm struggling with that- is just... Whenever I try to write stories, my brain just isn't capable. Like. I know what I want and I know how I want it to sound but words just don't come out and if they do they don't feel good at all. And I /was/ able to do it before. It's like a part of my mind got blocked. I was reading your Miss Raven lore and what she studies while trying to create her UM made me think of this problem I'm having- the part rediscovering a part of oneself that was lost... or something like that.

So I thought that maybe you knew of some exercises or just... Something? Anything? If not I totally get it tho- sorry for rambling

[Referencing this series!]

Hello, hello!! ^^ Thank you for complimenting my writing, your support's much appreciated! I hope you can continue to enjoy my work~

I think I understand what you're going through. Gosh knows how many pieces I have on the backburner... but never enough time or motivation to finish them all. Having ideas is the easy part; actually fleshing out those ideas into fics is tricky, especially since we creatives can easily be our own worst critics. I'm pretty finicky with my own action scenes, dialogue, and emotionally intense moments and have to edit, revise, or completely rewrite them multiple times until it's sounding the way I want it to. Writer's block gets to us all sometimes. It's a natural part of being a creator so don't be shamed or worried!

abldsbuaodadfjnla It's interesting that you mentioned Miss Raven's struggles when describing your own. When I was in the process of writing her saga, I wanted her problems to be relatable and meaningful to others in some way. I'm glad that it happened to help you identify something within yourself 😃

Here are some of the things that I personally do to get out of writing slumps. This is what works for me, so I cannot guarantee that they will also work for you--but hopefully this at least gives you some kind of starting point!

Take a walk! Touch grass! It's good to get your mind off of creating and just... take a breather. You'd be surprised how refreshing it is to get fresh air and sunshine. Who knows, you might also see something on your walk that inspires you.

Take a nap! If you have an interesting dream, write it down. It could become a cool idea somewhere down the line.

Talk to a friend; it helps to have a new perspective to bounce ideas off of.

Read a book! Sometimes getting a sense of how someone else shares their ideas can inspire you to work on your own style.

Use another hobby as a creative outlet. For me, that's scrapbooking/journaling and baking. Don't set limits or rules, let yourself work at your own pace and have fun.

Start small, like writing some dialogue exchanges or a sentence or two.

Do writing or character prompts. You can find prompts of your own or use a website to generate random combinations.

Another exercise I like to do is writing a short story based solely on a random image. You can find images yourself or have a friend hand you one. It helps stretch the creative muscles!

The most important thing is to allow yourself the chance to rest and recover! No one can be a content making machine 24/7; that’s not what humans were built for. Be kind to yourself!!

Good luck with your writing~ ^^

[nogenderbee]

Hi! This might be a little weird of a request (I don’t know how logic works 😀) but could we get Xiao, scara, and Heizou (or literally anyone else) with a reader with a ghost type ability..like they can just randomly disappear and walk through walls?

It's not weird, it's actually pretty interesting! So it's easy to say that I enjoyed it as I like to write for all characters here! So I hope you enjoy this one just as much as I did <3

Xiao, Wanderer, Heizou with ghost skills!reader

TagList: @bleachtheidiot @miya-akane

TW: swearing (only in Wanderers part)

⊱ Xiao was just shocked, like are you a demon or something?!

⊱ he probably tried defeating you because he thought you were a demon, so you either will have to explain yourself or know him before you show your abilities to avoid this fight

⊱ alright but let's assume he knew you before and it's just first time when he sees your abilities

⊱ man is stunned, he doesn't know if you just died on his eyes or if he's dreaming... so he takes his anger and confusion on all the monsters around

⊱ alright but please just comofrt him, he just had literalt heart attack, just hug him and assure him that you're not dead, and explain to him how your abilities work

⊱ now he's just amazed by you, how can a mortal have these kind of abilities? he asks himself and then, he starts to think that you may not fully a mortal after all...

⊱ but then he sees your inguries and he quickly realizes that you are mortal after all so he's still scared fo your well being when you fight

⊱ although he has to admit that he's less worried about you now, since he knows you can make yourself transparent and enemies won't have any way to attack you

"I still don't understand how you can do that while being a mortal... no, don't explain it to me. But I recommend you to not use your abilities in front of funeral parlor girl. Yeah, Hu Tao."

⊱ alright so when Wanderer first saw it, he pretended to brush it off and act like it's nothing but deep inside he didn't knew if he felt amaze or frightend by your abilities

⊱ if you try to show him your skills, he'll just say that you should stop showing off but please go on and he'll finally break and admi he thinks they're cool

⊱ definitely remembers that and will ask you to scare some people if he will desire

⊱ after some time, he definitely thinks if you might got it from some ghost or if you can go to world of afterlife for at least a second

⊱ probably walks to your side more often to observe your skills in action even if he's excuse to do so is that 'your ailities won't do anything good in a fight and you need help'

⊱ basically he's just like a secret admirer but about your skills, he's not much jealous but he does think you look cool while using them

⊱ try scaring him by suddenly appearing in the wall, I guarantee he'll jump slightly before blushing and truning his face away from you while refusing to admit that he DID got scared

"Are you fucking stupid? I didn't got scared! No way that you can be scary... No! I don't think you're cute! ... I know it... I said nothing, idiot!"

⊱ when Heizou sees your abilities in action, he couldn't be more interested in you joke, he can be and he can prove it

⊱ but he really just have so much questions... Do you connect to someone from afterlife? What if it's just an illusion? Can you see ghosts? Can you see, talk or summon someone from afterlife? he doesn't know but he's about to find out!

⊱ whenver he hears you're going on exploration, to do quests or especially clear some places, he'll tag along and mostly observe while still helping out, he doesn't want you to get uncomofrtable

⊱ but he definitely got a heart attack when you first disappeared, you had to show back again or else he'd get whole searching group guess Aether won't be alone in finding missing person... SORRY

⊱ after he collects enough answers by just observing, he'll move onto asking you some questions after making sure you're comfortable with that

⊱ if not tho, he'll still do it but more secretly, he'll really just try to put it into a normal question you can get on daily basis but well... it turns out slightly suspicious which is still suprisingly good formed

⊱ your abilities are really one big mystery to him and he as the best detective in Inazuma is about to figure out every single little fact about them

"Don't worry about it, dear traveler. I simply want to understand how can you become transparent in such a short time... Are you sure you're even human?"

❉⊱•═•⊰❉⊱•═•⊰❉⊱•═•⊰❉⊱•═•⊰❉⊱•═•⊰❉⊱•═•⊰❉

[greater-than-the-sword]

I absolutely disagree with whatever the sjmattson guy said (why are we even acknowledging him? I hit block and ran the moment he showed up)

But I have a genuine concern tho, kinda related to the point he raised

Namely how true is the conversion of people who adopted Christianity as a result of colonisation? Not only the recent ones like in the Americas. I mean as far back as the early medieval period, when whole countries became Christian for political reasons. I'm certain many people genuinely believed, but provably most didn't, and this really pains my soul. That they exchanged one god for another, without actually seeking to be saved. That they got baptised just to gain an alliance with a Christian country or to get them off their backs at least. Converted just to marry that Christian princess. Converted because oh well their God and Zeus or Thor or whatever might as well be the same entity. One more God to add to the infinite pantheon.

The fact that Christianity is so widespread has countless advantages, I'll be the first to champion this. But it really seems to me, and it weighs heavily on my heart, that the more influential it is, at least politically, the more people adopt a fake faith just for social, political, economic benefits. Or in the case of violent conquest, just to be left alone. How can you guarantee in any mass conversion that even the majority are true converts, or even anybody at all. Conversion is a life vs death thing. It's THE most life vs death thing, the soul of a human being is at stake here?! You can't mass produce that! And yet that's how it was, whenever Christianity had to become state religion. I'd like to believe most of those people truly believed and are now in heaven, but it feels like wishful thinking....... it seriously breaks my heart.

"How true is the conversion of people who adopted Christianity as a result of colonisation?"

Well, if you're asking as it seems in such a broad sense covering all history from the time of Christ, I simply can't be sure, since I don't see how anyone could be studied enough in history to know intimately every major conversion event in the last 2,000 years.

There's 2 sides to consider in this, and one of them you seem to know well. The first is that we shouldn't envy the apparent "success in evangelism" of past eras where conversions were forced. I recall a conversation between my dad and his friend discussing the doctrine of Theonomy and how one of their friends who was in the Doug Wilson movement had said, "You know, in the days of the kings they used to baptize whole nations! What are we doing wrong?"

My dad and his friend quite rightly rolled their eyes about this, of course. A forced baptism does not a conversion make.

That being said....

The other assumption is that none of the conversions were legitimate, which is easy to assume without actually having been there. It's not as though mass revivals haven't been a real thing in history, with 3,000 converted at Pentecost, and personally, I have some optimism about the Christianization of Europe, as it was peaceful (well in some areas it was peaceful? Maybe some places it wasn't and I just don't know). Similarly to how Christianity has spread quickly in some other areas of the globe. Keep in mind that what might seem miraculously fast on a historical scale (~100 years) is actually longer than the average human's lifetime.... and just look at the change in the demographics of, for example, China in the last 100 years... there is a phenomenon where people of a dismal pagan culture (such as the Norse Pagans) can find Christianity immediately more appealing and enlightened. This is also true of the more successful missions to south asia for example (though who knows if these stories of missionary success are representative of global trends...)

Frankly this is such a huge question that I don't know how to answer it but I always kind of took it on faith that there have always been true believers, because,

...the Lord is good; his steadfast love endures for ever, and his faithfulness to all generations. (Psalm 100:5)

The gospel isn't a new thing and it has always been around since Christ.

[heartsoftruth]

I hate how everyone is just out there always questioning why he doesn't wanna settle down and we see other drivers making it work this might get long but hear me out people and you may disagree with me and it's okay that's just my personal take on it.

Lewis has said it multiple times he won't do it till he at least retires from F1. For various reasons he outed once that it's not fair for his partner or child to be on the run with him for 9 months of the year because both should have a life outside of his like imagine his partner having a career and her own life what she should give all that up for him? Yeah Lewis himself won't agree with it and having a child with it is definitely a no for him because it's a millionth time harder also he once said (a very important reason tbh) that F1 is a dangerous sport and life cannot be taken for guarantee you never know what happens and he can't imagine leaving a family behind him just because he wanted to pursue this sport in his life!! I actually loved him more for thinking this way. On a personal level, this man has stated more than once that he's not the best communicator, he doesn't know how to be vulnerable or weak with someone else, and he finds it hard to accept love and affection from other people I'm sorry but if he so far can't do that or still isn't willing to work on it then yes staying single is the best choice for him because when you're with someone you gotta be all in it's not like friendships or family relationships no that's your life partner you two supposed to be each other's home and I'm not saying that he'll never be able to do so but it's just not on his time preference now, and 100% he won't stay celibate his whole life ESPECIALLY a man like him😭😂 so him having all of these girls is kinda understandable and let's be honest half of them throw themselves at him and tons of them just used his name for clout without being involved with him for real, because i actually find it hard to believe that every girl that's been outed on gossip pages actually was with him especially when the "proof" they show could be related to anything. And for people who talk about the woman being slightly younger than him and im not saying this to defend him on it but cmon a 25 and above girl is not "young" she's supposed to be a mature grown up woman by that time and knows exactly what she's doing and lately the women im seeing being involved with him are actually 28 and above you have to understand it's not easy for him to find a girl his age or near his age that could accept such type of relationship she's either married or actually looking for something serious she won't agree on being his fuck buddy for like 5 years till he's ready to settle down and he might not even settle down with her but that doesn't mean him getting involved with some 20-21 girl isn't icky it's actually creepy because to me she's still basically a teenager and if some of these early 20's wanna leech off his name it's not on him tbh because why the hell are girls that young nowadays are obsessed with being arm candy for men??🫠 you should be studying and building your own life and making your own dreams but sighh literally the easier the better for them...

And do not get me started on other drivers marriages and relationships because they be doing the biggest WTF and let's be honest here i think we all witnessed a lot of betrayals a lot of PR shit a lot of open relationships and a lot of scandals. Nahh i rather Lewis be single and having some fun there and there as long it's consensual between him and whoever he's with i don't wanna see him on the front of a magazine because he's cheating and humiliating his partner like that

Sorry for the long ass rent😭🫶🏻

First of all: No problem for the long rant.🫶🏽 I didn't know people could send such long messages tho HAHAH F1 is a dangerous sport and life cannot be taken for guarantee you never know what happens and he can't imagine leaving a family behind him

Do you have a link to think quote?

I do know he has of course time and time said right now is not the time. And I truly feel maybe if he gets his 8th he might say: BYE! But he's so (selfishly probably) focused on that he knows he doens't have a place for someone else. Like you said.

Yeah the young part I also don't understand tbh. These woman know what they're getting into I'm 100% sure. They know: no strings attached. No hinting. No nothing other than staying in and... wellpp haha.

I also feel many of us would sign for that as well 😂 I would delete all social media HAHAHAH. No joke. I would fall in love after one dinner 😭 How old is she then? I don't understand is she 20? Girls these days all think about social media, travel and brands. They see other girls making quick money and yeah... Like the Dubai stories for example... OMG... Or that girl F'cking 1000 guys in 12 hours or so... I'm SHOCKED by some in this generation tbh...

Yeah I feel like people focus on Lewis - which of course is logically on my Tumblr since he's my main - but yeah the other drivers are... Lando? Pierre? Carlos, CHECO??? I feel Max on track might be a gremlin: off track he has the calmest, most stable private life

[saturnite0614]

Saw you looking for Soapghost prompts, as a lowkey soapgaz shipper and major soapghost shipper may I request gaz sadly watching soap and ghost falling for each other?

I love romance of any kind so I can get behind some good SoapGaz. SoapGhost is just my preferred. Your prompt is still murder tho 🥺 (and sorry for taking so long!)

A good teammate isn't bitter. He doesn't get jealous. The victories of his team are his victories. And yet they don't call jealousy the green-eyed monster for no reason.

Gaz wears his heart on his sleeve. Some considered it a flaw of his. If something or someone pissed him off, he let them know. He wasn't going to get trampled on. But unfortunately, he's also a professional, so when he first met John "Soap" MacTavish, he played nice.

The first hint of jealousy came at the way he and Price talked with each other. It was clear Soap was nervous about joining a new task force but it was also clear the two had a deep relationship that predated the captain's relationship with Gaz. He'd reeled that back and actually got to know Soap. The Scotsman was friendly and young, much younger than Gaz would have thought. Already a sergeant and hand picked by Price for a special task force. The jealously ticked away into admiration and excitement at seeing his skills at work in the field, although the chances ended up being rare.

Still, besides Price, Soap was the only other member of the 141 he ever saw and interacted with. It was nice to have someone his own rank he could complain and vent to over drinks. And the two would drink, quite sloppily. It often turned into a competition.

Like Gaz, Soap wore his heart on his sleeve, not yet fully accustomed to the detachment that befell all soldiers – Like it had with Lieutenant "Ghost" Riley. He'd met that man once. He seemed nice enough but the two had never been on a mission together. Soap was the closest thing he had to a friend since Alex. Or maybe more. 

Gaz couldn’t help the way his heart leaped into his eyes at the sight of Soap’s face flushing red as he breached the threshold from buzzed to pissed with a single drink. His blue eyes always sparkled, the effect strengthened by Gaz’s own drunken state and the lights of the bar. He had to dig his nails into his thigh to keep from kissing Soap right there. He couldn’t ruin the one reliable friendship he had. 

So he watched and waited, fighting occasionally with Soap by his side, but mainly spent time at various bases, trading stories and making jokes at Price’s expense behind the old man’s back. Two peas in a pod, as cheesy as that sounds. Ghost was barely a thought in his mind and he was content with that. If he wanted another friend, the lieutenant knew where to find him.

He’d come to find the longing for his squad mate as normal as breathing as well as the fear of losing him whenever he was away. The same worried longing settled on him as Soap, as well as a bunch of Marines, shipped out to Al Mazrah to meet with Ghost. Gaz would be with Price in Amsterdam. There was no guarantee when he would see the other sergeant again, but he held onto hope. The hope was bolstered everytime Price picked up a call from Laswell or Ghost or Soap.

Then the calls stopped coming. 

Then Gaz was hopping out of a helicopter with Price by his side, watching Soap scale a prison wall. For the first time, all of 141 was in one place. Soap was by his side, injured, but alive. Thank God, he was alive. After what Laswell had told them about Commander Graves and Shadow company, he couldn’t shake the gnawing tug in his gut that told him that this was a point of no return.

But even with Soap in front of him, he couldn’t get rid of it.

He hadn’t set foot in the actual city of Las Almas, only flown over it, but he knew he hated it. Because that’s where everything broke. That is where he lost Soap. To fucking Simon “Ghost” Riley of all people. It would have been easy to be angry, to be fucking pissed, if the lieutenant treated Soap like shit. If only he’d been a dick, closed off or he didn’t reciprocate Soap’s feelings.

But it was Ghost who’d first clued him in when he took off his mask.

Gaz hadn’t put much thought into the mask. He thought Ghost was just dramatic. Afterall, how the fuck fo you get “Ghost” as a call sign if you aren’t at least a little emo and extremely dramatic. He pulled the black balaclava off, never breaking eye contact with Soap. And Soap…well Soap tried to hide his interest. He struggled to keep his face neutral, his lips pressed in a thin line and his brow furrowed, but Gaz knew better. Soap’s heart wasn’t on his sleeve, it was on his damn chest and beating for Ghost. What had happened in those few days apart? Did Gaz even want to know?

And of course, silent and separate Ghost got paired up with Soap for their final mission against Shadow Company. Then he’d been on overwatch in Chicago, hanging back like Soap’s guardian angel and there to save his life and sweep him off his feet.

He saw a lot more of Ghost after that, almost always with Soap trailing behind him. He called him Johnny, a name that grew in frequency. Gaz, while alone, had tried out the name for himself, but it felt wrong. Deep down, he knew that his voice wouldn’t spin the same magic Ghost managed to imbue in it. And Soap, Soap called him Simon. Even Price didn’t call him that. 

Maybe he’d been reading into it. He read the mission report, signed by both Soap and Ghost. All it said was that the two kept in radio contact until they could escape Las Almas. But something had happened, something that would never make it into an official report. Gaz knew better.

He fucking knew better, and yet couldn’t get rid of that tug in his gut. He had to find Soap and at least throw his hat in the ring. A voice whispered in the back of his mind, you’re going to fail. 

He saved his life. Where were you?

Gaz hurries through the base, looking for Soap’s telltale mohawk in every room he passes. He’s not in the bunk or the clinic or the gym or any of the offices. 

Towards the end of his search, his steps begin to slow, responding to some invisible force. There’s no one around him. There’s no reason for him to stop. 

He sticks his head around the corner, looking into a darkened hallway. A single red EXIT sign glows, highlighting two figures, both he recognises well. He also recognizes that green feeling, the jealously.

Because it's Ghost holding onto Soap, carding his fingers through his hair. Soap looks up at him, lips moving with words Gaz can't hear, but knows he wants them. The jealousy burns in his gut and in his hands, itching to do exactly what Ghost is doing. It'd be better if he could walk away and spare himself the sight of Ghost leaning forward and capturing Soap's mouth with his. His mask is rolled up. Even in the red washed darkness, Gaz sees the flush that travels up Soap's neck. The same blush that colored his face whenever they drank or whenever a particularly pretty girl flirted with him. Ghost caused that with a single touch. 

Gaz slinks away, watching out for the sounds of his own footfalls.

He isn't one for tears or crying. The first place his mind goes is anger. At himself for waiting. For being cowardly. At Ghost for having the brazen confidence to love Soap. Even at Soap for leaving him for Ghost. 

He slips into the gym, full of people, but he doesn’t trust himself to be alone. If he were alone, he’d could give himself permission to fall apart. But he didn’t want to fall apart because that meant everything was real. If he fell apart, he had to acknowledge he’d let the moment slip by. But how could he have known? If he’d acted, approached Soap and told him what he felt, he could have broken what they had.

But what if he hadn’t? What if Soap also felt that way?

Gaz hides in the locker room for a few minutes before stepping back into the gym. In front of the others, he could pretend his mind wasn’t filled with turmoil. Other people are safe. 

But the people start to leave as the night continues on. With each person that leaves, Gaz feels his resolve ebb away. The sweat drips into his eyes and pours down his back, just like Ghost’s hand had slid down Soap’s back. His lips are red from dehydration, no doubt like Soap and Ghost’s lips after kissing for hours. Did they share a bed? Was that kiss the first?

He’s the last one standing after hours of lifting the same set of weights, burning his eyes into the ceiling. 

“How long have you been here? You smell heavy gingin’,” A familiar and cursed Scottish accent washes over him. It’s beautiful enough to push out the anger and embarrassment. Gaz sits up and against all odds, has a smile on his face.

“Like you smell better.”

Soap levels that damned crooked smile at him, running his hand through his mussed hair. His fingers come back coated in gun oil. Had he put it there himself, or did Ghost?

Soap crouches in front of him, “Need a spotter?”

“What?”

He points to the weight machine where Gaz currently sits in his own puddle of sweat. He doesn’t know Gaz has been here for hours. He probably thinks he’s just here for a late night session. 

Gaz nods, lying back down and ignoring the feeling of his back suction-cupping to the seat. Soap walks by, his leg brushing Gaz’s. It’s electrifying, making the hair on his arms stand on end. He watches as Soap double checks the weights, nodding with approval at the numbers he sees. “Ready when you are.”

Gaz begins lifting again, working his arms past their limit, just to further impress Soap. But his hands are sweaty. The brief break had given the sweat time to drip down his arms and coat his palms. Or maybe it is due to Soap’s presence. He’s so close. How had they worked together when just now, Soap’s very presence sent his entire nervous and cardiorespiratory system into overdrive? Gaz’s hand slips, tilting the weights dangerously to the side. 

But then Soap’s warm hand covers his, correcting his grip. He squeezes tight, not letting go until Gaz’s grip is sure again.

This is your moment, a part of him screams. Waiting got nobody anywhere.

He catches Soap’s gaze through his own eyelashes. His beauty is distorted by the sweat droplets on them. He sparkles, even under the shitting yellow fluorescents of the deserted gym.

Do it.

“You always have me.” He finds himself saying.

Soap cocks his head to the side, flinging greasy strands of his mohawk across his forhead. “I know I do.”

“Not like teammates. If Ghost-”

Soap chokes, his eyes going wide and his face burning red. He runs his hand over his mohawk again. “You saw that?”

“You two aren’t subtle,” Gaz grunts, trying to hide the dangerous shake that fights to seep into his voice. He barrels on, keeping the trembling at bay, “If Ghost hurts you, I’ll kick his ass.”

Soap laughs, “Appreciate it, Gaz.”

Gaz slams the weights down, sitting up fast enough to leave his vision far behind him. It catches up with a crash, but it doesn’t stop him from wheeling around to face the oblivious Scot. “I mean it.”

Soap leans forward, wrapping his calloused hands on the metal bar. He’s the closest he’s ever been to Gaz, breathing the same air as him.

“Garrick, what exactly do you mean?” His voice is low and serious as he works out Gaz’s words and tone in his mind.

Act. Don’t talk.

Act.

Gaz touches his cheek, ignoring the smell emanating off of him and the sweat he transfers onto Soap. He doesn’t flinch back, but his eyes flick to Gaz’s own scarred and calloused hands. He leans forward, giving Soap time to run or punch him. He’d chosen Ghost. This couldn’t change anything.

Could it?

Gaz silences the voice in his mind wondering if what he tastes is Soap or if it is the remains of the time he spent with Ghost. Gaz’s eyes burn, shedding the tears he’d denied himself. He squeezes them shut, not wanting to see the surprised look on Soap’s face. He tastes of gun oil and salt and something sweet he can’t name. Maybe it’s sweet because Gaz knows it’s the only kiss he’ll get.

He pulls back, turning away and wiping furiously at the tears burning cold down his heated cheeks, coroding his skin like acid. It’s the same acid that creeps up his throat.

“I hope he keeps you happy.” Gaz gathers his things, keeping his back to Soap, ever silent. Gaz's voice is hoarse. And hard. And angry. This was taking the gloves off, and it fucking hurt. 

Soap doesn’t speak until Gaz is stepping out of the gym and into the dark locker room. 

“You should have told me.” His own voice is deep. If Gaz closes his eyes, he can see the man standing before a firing squad, staring them down with those bright blue eyes and daring them to fire on him. Gaz was that firing squad, shooting him down with this secret knowledge.

“I should have.”

He leaves Soap standing there.

[the-fandom-crossroads]

Important Fandom Interest Check Poll!

Please vote and share around if you would be interested in a Genshin fic rec archive blog!

The basic idea would be an archive of posts linking to tumblr or ao3 fics of extremely high quality. It would make it easier to find older fics that are finished but don't have the high kudos to come up when you search by most kudos. The categories would be based on main ship or gen and the ship tag would only have fics with that ship in it. All fics would be read by me or a second mod before being added to the archive and they don't have to be complete before being added.

I am just trying to see if there is any interest in this type of blog. If the no's seem to be a lot or the number of votes is small all together. I won't sink time into coding a tumblr blog template.

If you are interested please consider reblogging so your genshin friends can also vote!

More about how this might work under the read more.

I would have submissions open and you would be free to submit your own fics along with others. I just can't guarantee I'd put it on the blog. I'd have final say to veto any fic submission. But the main reason would probably be needless smut.

Yes I am aware the idea of a genshin fic archive sounds redundant. Check marking only your ship on AO3 never gives you 20 oneshot compilation fics with other ships before the first solo fic or anything. The whole point is to make it so you don't have to scroll through countless not great fics that just happen to include your ship in the tags. And again to help older fics not get lost in the pile.

Genshin gets 100s of fics posted per day on AO3. It's not easy to sort through all of it. The blog is meant to make that easier. Also Tumblr fics. Those get lost to the void of character/reader what if posts never to be seen again.

Even if nsfw fics are included fics that are 50%-100% smut won't be included. I just can't read through that much porn personally. Including 18+ would just mean slow burns with countless chapters of character build up before one smut chapter wouldn't automatically be excluded. They would still be tagged and stored separately from other fics in that ships category.

Kaeyluc will be excluded by default. Along with any smut fics including child characters and rape/noncon. Also Porn without plot like mentioned above.

Quality would not be judged by kudos or any other metric. I even plan to allow fics with questionable spelling and grammar to an extent. If your story is moving or does something interesting with the characters involved. Then I don't care if you mix up your there, their, and they're. I don't want to exclude non-native english speakers from this list. The fic just needs to be readable.

Most ship fics would probably be mlm or wlw. There is just a larger quantity of those in general on ao3. I don't mind including lumineXchilde or LumineXdainsleif. But any other het ships will probably be reliant on submissions to be found and added.

But none of this is set in stone except for what I would be excluding. Tho that list might get longer. This is all just the basic idea and any suggestions on how to make it better are greatly appreciated!

[defensivelee]

Is the world where Six Lives takes place a Dystopia? It gives the vibes.

ooh interesting question!! i think that if we took wikipedia's definition of a dystopia, "a society that is extremely bad or frightening," it really wouldn't fit bc most people are actually pretty chill with the way things are! this world also has some cool stuff our world doesn't have (rlly chill with sexuality, no homophobia/transphobia, good with accessibility for disabled people, far less of a reliance on cars in their cities), so i can't say i would even be disappointed to live there. any normal person generally only worries, on rare occasions, about the overlifer terrorists... but then, wouldn't you worry too?

there are some societal concepts, beliefs, and laws that we really would find dystopic in our own society, tho. in particular i think we would all be terrified of "snake's eye for an eye." like... a law that pretty much guarantees your rapist won't be prosecuted if they just say one specific sentence? awful.

smoking is also a practice viewed with quite a bit of sanctity, as the devils loved to do it. however, the devils don't suffer from the consequences... humans do (tho to less of a degree than humans in our world do). but, to preserve this sanctity, companies and advertisements and even some scientists will just...straight up lie! it's like the promotion of cigarettes as healthy all over again but in a world already more advanced than ours. you're just allowed to smoke anywhere. in addition to these ppl not giving a shit about their lungs, there's also really really bad air pollution specifically in new amsterdam bc they don't have ANY filters on their power plants and coal is their favorite thing EVER and they fucking LOVE cars (still far less than any place in our world, tho). and nobody cares! there's a bit of corporate laziness there mixed with the view that smoke in general is rlly sacred... a bit like incense, but that is usually considered a pretty conservative idea and a pretty stupid one anyway bc smoke from power plants is not the same as tobacco smoke!! idk, religious infighting or whatever.

anyway, you'll notice that most if not all of these seemingly archaic views are intrinsically religious, and it might also look a little dystopic to us when there is no religious freedom and every single law, every single decision relies on this one universal religion and always has. however... nobody really cares, bc they don't need religious freedom if they all share the same one. unless, ofc, you support the overlifers, and there is quite a sizable amount of people that do.

and that's a whole other can of worms. should people be allowed to worship the overlifers, if their doctrine relies on violence, fear, and the separation and/or genocide of people depending on what kingdom they are descended from? the argument could be made that it shouldn't matter what the overlifers believe, what should matter is the fact that if people wanted a choice, they would not have one. is that not dystopic, then? and yet, it's also understandable, bc the people in this world don't want such dangerous and hateful ideals in their society! i know crazy conservatives, who want me dead for my identity and make it perfectly clear that they do, make my skin crawl! and this detail in the story is not meant to have an easy solution.

so it would really depend on your idea of a dystopia! nobody really would call it that, even the overlifers themselves-- it's a perfectly fine society, what's missing from it is 1. the re-separation of the four kingdoms 2. more murder 3. an overlifer ruler and so on and so forth. the point is, due to this world's history and the same constant religion that has commanded humanity since the dawn of time, a lot of things that WE would view as problematic and dystopic... they do not! and is that not the case even in our own world with different cultures?

i think it's an interesting theme that i've really enjoyed exploring in the story so far. should we switch up tradition, and, more important to this world, religion if it harms people? i cannot answer this question for six lives... it's really all up to interpretation.

[joy-drops]

this mf long so don't tell me i didn't warn u

been in a rut for over a year

something something autistic burnout

idk the cause or the solution

just trying to survive each day as best i can

easier said than done when everything that brings me joy (ha) is behind a pay wall

that's capitalism baby~

found out fauna is going to the only anime convention i can attend on a reasonable budget.... but im already so broke....

I'd shell out the cash (debt) if it meant guaranteeing a spot at the meet and greet but they might not release info until too late when plane tickets are unaffordable ;_;

i wanna look forward to something because sustaining my sanity on retail therapy and getting high definitely is losing its effectiveness

brain always returns to the loneliness. i know its crippling but how much of my struggle is from that and how much is from my disability... they're both invisible which makes it hard to tell

would having a partner help that much? my gut tells me yes since ill have motivation to live if i have someone to share existence with but that feels like putting all my eggs in one basket and setting myself up for an unhealthy relationship

i like to think i won't fall down that path of toxic codependency like i have in the past tho im not crazy confident based on my track record

Which reminds me I've realized how appealing polyamory sounds to me but I'm terrible in groups I feel like I'd be overwhelmed with more than 3 (including myself) tho who knows what can happen

REGARDLESS i guess i gotta talk to people and make friends since i am incapable of socializing with the intention of dating (trust issues yippee)

i wish i had a crush at the very least. i bring this up often but i fucking miss the feeling of legitimate interest and attraction towards someone

How do I meet someone, become comfortable enough with them, and ultimately find a partnership that satisfies my insane desires???? maybe I'm putting the cart before the horse? Tackling too much at once? Something like that...

Imma be real the only reason I'm active on here is another mechanism to cope with this loneliness (akin to listening to asmr for instant happy brain juice + with the added benefit of "putting myself out there")

My strange fantasy that I'll meet people on here like I did years ago and magically hit it off

AAAAAAUGGHHHHH how did I do it back then it seemed so easy what happened to my social skills (trauma, probably)

How is it I work 2 days a week and am still drained constantly? when will I be free from sleepy bitch syndrome? it's like I've been running on fumes for the past year WHEN WILL I HAVE THE WILL TO LIVE AGAIN

i miss having someone to talk to frequently about everything

i have my besties but unfortunately knowing there's no sexual or romantic attraction there makes it hard for me to get past these barriers?? Is that weird? I wanna be able to be intimate with someone and close but for me that's intrinsically tied to sex and romance. I'm overflowing with platonic friendships to the point where I had to cut off a bunch and leave many people I care about hanging because I simply have no energy to exist anymore

I've been doing my best each day but it only gets harder

The only thing I have energy for is getting high and living inside the fantasies my brain can muster as a means to cope with how lonely I am

I dream of being hugged, of someone touching me, of being accepted for all my flaws and reassured that my existence isn't shameful. I live for the day these might become reality

Since as long far back as highschool I've yearned for intimacy

Physical intimacy specifically since the most I've done is hold hands and lil cute things like that I CRAVE SKINSHIP UNLIKE ANYTHING ELSE

Anyway if anybody made it this far hi feel free to confess ur undying love 2 me

[gwynbleiddyn]

emoji asks! 👻🌙🙈

i'm gonna do these for both Dyn and Mio! ✨

Maahes

👻GHOST - do they believe in ghosts? what are their "ghostly experiences", if any?

I mean, yeah, for sure -- it's not so much a case of belief for him as it is direct fact that undead exist and they threaten the sanctity of life that he holds dear. Ghosts are just one of many kinds.

Specifically though, in Mio's experience ghosts are usually dissatisfied souls who can't return to their bodies. The 'hierarchy' of life in his mind is simple, there are four groups -- the gods, the ruling family, the blessed dead, and everyone else -- who maintain a certain balance in the world. This balance is imperative to the continuation of life in whatever form it takes. Pretty basic way to boil down the whole culture, but that's the gist of it, and it's why death is so sacred to him.

When you're born, your only guaranteed destination is death, the life you follow between those two points has to bring you to a state of harmony for your death to be blessed, and for your spirit to rest eternally. It's why he's so afraid now that he knows his father had him resurrected, because for him the only 'available' end is yk, basically endless torment, regardless of what harmony he finds in life now. Which is possibly a pre-emptive ghostly experience.

I think they also had issues with grandpa Basekh tho, bitch did not rest easy. i think papa basekh was hundo percent haunted and yk what is silent in the father often speaks in the son etc and so on and so forth

🌙 MOON - what is your oc's greatest wish? how far are they willing to go for it?

god this really changes daily. sometimes it's selfish, he wants to be plucked from the mess of Talisman and squirreled away into a life where he doesn't have to care about the people around him so much. sometimes he wishes Onuris would appear and sort his problems out with blunt force like he usually does, or for Shadiya to sweep away the troubles with a flick of the wrist and a well-placed word. occasionally, he wishes that Amun had simply never bothered to bring him back. these are all fleeting and impossible and he doesn't hold onto them for very long, so the willingness isn't there to see them through.

however, most of the time - and this is probably the loudest wish despite his indifference to the world - he just wants to see Akhenaton in Pelor's light again. he isn't particularly bothered how that happens, only that it does, and i think the desperation of the Shadowfell has finally pushed him to the brink of 'by any means necessary' and he's all but promised his soul to a demon prince, which, yk, i feel is a pretty big hint as to how far he's willing to go. right now, he's worthless, so anyone that wants him? they can have him, because as far as he's concerned he's robbing them blind. bargain of the century.

🙈 SEE-NO-EVIL - what's a side of your oc that they don't want to show other people?

the desperation. he knows his composure is slipping, people are starting to ask questions - and zinnan knows something of the bargain he's made, which might be fuelling his sudden amicability towards them :) can't outwit the fey when their entire language is bargains and trades, so best to get them onside while they're open to it.

the recent scolding from pelor also doesn't sit well. it's the first time i think he's been faced with divinity that has been wrong. he didn't like it. you know when you really trust someone and you make a decision that's a bit like, "they'll understand why i'm doing this!" but turns out they actually don't and they are livid with you and you feel your trust just break a little bit??? something something pretend to throw the ball for the dog so many times and it'll bite your hand instead something something

anyway he's not telling anyone about that for as long as he lives. embarrassing.

------

Dyn

👻GHOST - do they believe in ghosts? what are their "ghostly experiences", if any?

i think Dyn is very much a pragmatist but given that he himself has an affliction of a supernatural nature, he finds it hard to argue that ghosts can't exist. i also think he kind of subscribes to the idea that the echoes and spirits of people can and do exist long after they are gone -- the land swallows them up, drinks them in and keeps them flowing through its rivers, spits them out into the ground, enables them to dig roots deep in its earth and punch their souls through the soil into plants and trees and even animals.

he's always had this idea, because that's all the land is - life cycle upon cycle, things that feed into other things, everything is connected in some way. the natural order dictates that energy is never lost, just displaced and distributed. therefore, death can consume a physical body, but not the energy contained within it. that must go somewhere to feed something else, eventually.

i also wonder whether he thinks this way as a bit of a comforting story to himself. he lost his mother in a way that will never offer him closure -- she was swallowed up by the Chionthar not far after it cuts through Iriaebor, after a violent and terrifying hunt in which they were the prey for a pack of enthralled werewolves. even after he was turned, he stalked the river for any sign of her body or possessions, but never found anything. and in a way, never being able to bury her and put her to rest kept his grief 'living' - so every river he crosses, every brook or stream or creek, the tributaries that breathe life into faerun, he imagines her spirit calms the waters for a moment to let him pass.

so maybe he would say that ghosts do exist, just not in the way most people picture them.

🌙 MOON - what is your oc's greatest wish? how far are they willing to go for it?

honestly, just freedom. like, his childhood 'dream' was just to live in a cottage by the river, totally self-sustaining, maybe with a dog, and no input from society. just peaceful isolation with a garden in which his life grows.

but as he travelled from village to village with his mother and started making connections with people, he began to change that dream a little. he didn't crave isolation at all, he just had trouble reconciling the pressures of society with his own personal freedom, and the easiest solution was to cut people out entirely.

so the dream continued to morph into something else as he got older, as he established more meaningful friendships and relationships, as he listened to his mother's songs and wrote some of his own - he began to see the joy of living as freely as he did was not so much in the danger that nature offered, but in the unrelenting hope that people ground between gritted teeth to face another day within it. he loved it. he loved them. so the lonely cottage on the river became a homely house in the lower city, walls laden with art and windowsills overflowing with greenery, and room enough for friends.

then, when he's turned into a lycan against his will and forced into a subservient role for some considerable time, with a master hellbent on stepping on everyone else to ensure his own survival and freedom, that kind of puts a big dent in that dream. the gentle notion of a peaceful life feels like it's been violently ripped away from him and in its place is grief for his mother and just hunger, hunger, hunger.

he has a lot of trouble reconciling the loss of his freedom and even into the beginning act of BG3, it's all he can think about. there's no homely house or even a lonely cottage - he dreams of that endless hunger and the master who cursed him, he dreams of sleeping in the cold and of whip-marks on his shoulders, neck rubbed raw from a collar that said he belonged to someone else. it's unpleasant, and bitter, but i think being surrounded by others whose autonomy was also taken from them kind of gives him some grounding. he is willing to give them a way out, so why won't he offer himself the same chance? eventually, he works through it alongside his friends, and it forms a huge part of his understanding of astarion which, rather sweetly (or maybe rather monstrously) builds a strong foundation for their friendship and subsequent relationship, and eventually, he allows his dream to return now that he can see a future in it.

🙈 SEE-NO-EVIL - what's a side of your oc that they don't want to show other people?

i think he struggles with revealing his lycanthropy - not so much because it's horrifying, he knows people have likely seen worse, but because it's just so intrinsically linked to his loss of autonomy and freedom. he feels vulnerable with it, even though he's physically at his strongest in his shifted form, and it's probably one of the main things that causes a lot of tension in the party early on.

[lovesickghostboy]

This is not a vent, just out of curiosity: have you ever talked with a professional about mental health? Don't get me wrong! I'm not asking what you probably think I am! It's just that I've been considering reaching out since a few years now-five, to be exact-but it's not until now that I'm very close to doing it. The problem is that I'm very shy and socially anxious, so I don't know how I'd be able to open up to someone I don't know face to face. The actual question is: if you have talked with a mental health expert, how did you do it? Sorry if it's an intrusive question, you don't have to answer at all if it's too personal! I'm just very curious as to how people do it, I'm so afraid of being judged even by the person I'm paying to help me piece together what's wrong with my brain and how to fix myself. I don't mind being told I'm the problem if it's the truth, but it still scares me:( As always, thank you for reading! <3

- 🐕🦴

I have! I was seeing my therapist every two weeks and now it’s just when I feel I need to talk to her. I’m supposed to see my psychiatrist tomorrow but the weather is getting bad and icy so I might have to reschedule.

It’s not intrusive at all!! I’m an open book and always happy to help!

And it kind of helps when you realize it’s not their job to judge you it is their job to help you and figure out how best to help you with like coping abilities and meds, and even just talking sometimes can help. There have been a few sessions with my therapist where I just chatted away because I just had shit to tell her. And you can always change therapists or psychiatrist or whoever you go to see if you don’t like that person. I love my therapist, she’s very chill and easy to talk to. My psych, not so much, he’s kinda got the “I know better than you” mentality, I keep forgetting to switch psychs.

I guarantee you tho that you are NOT the problem. I always thought I was the problem until I started seeing my therapist and telling her stuff. Like I’d always question the way I would react to things differently than other people, and the way I would do certain things like overexplaining or trying to prove I’m being truthful when I shouldn’t have to.

The last time I saw her was last year in like may (I’ve been so distracted and busy since I just haven’t been thinking about trying to see her again, I need to tho) I had just broken up with my first actual irl boyfriend (long story) TL;DR He was controlling and said he was a safe space to communicate and that was very very not true.

I literally read her the entire break up conversation and she told me that I did an amazing job communicating and stating my priorities and boundaries and what I wanted out of this and he just was throwing a tantrum and wouldn’t let me really talk and kept accusing me of stuff that I wasn’t doing and she literally told me that I dodged a bullet. Like I wasn’t even going to fully break up with him. I just wanted to go back to being friends just maybe for another couple months until I got a little more comfortable with him and he didn’t like that so he like I said, basically threw a tantrum and started calling me a cheater and a liar and shit that. He was just saying ‘ cause he was pissed off at me.

Anyway TL;DR(again) it takes time to find the right mental health professionals and I know it’s hard and scary, but I promise you, it will make a world of difference when you get an outside perspective on how your brain works. 🖤

-V

[imunbreakabledude]

Dragon trophy officially earned for Leagues V! in just over a month. it FELT a bit longer than last time, but I just looked back and it took me about 6 weeks last time around. so i guess that's the difference of me not having a full time job this time, lol. but it definitely was tougher to get Dragon on one hand (higher point threshold, no 25m/35m tasks for combat stats), but also i think it felt less like a slog this time vs last time because I had a lot of more "engaging" points available from raids, and I also specifically picked some relics that would alleviate the grinds that felt most painful last time (mostly RC, mining, and agility).

I MIGHT play a little more on this account just for fun/to see how high i can get my rank, but honestly I probably won't; I am craving the slow but permanent progress of the maingame. OR i might bond up an alt to try another build since there's a good amount of time left (I would love to try a VTM melee build).

I am proud of how I did this time though! I cleared 1 billion XP. I had more gold than I knew what to do with, even without Golden God. I feel that I actually did learn some good skills for TOA, even with it being piss easy with relics, of course; I got a lot more familiarity with the bosses and the timing which I think will help a lot with reducing frustration in the maingame (though it will be PAINFUL to go from never missing to ... usually missing). I did the Inferno for the first time even in Leagues. I did some solo CoX, scuffed yes, but still did it. I had some fun with the Tbow at the end, and great fun with the drygore blowpipe and venator bow before that. I played a mix of efficiency and fun that worked out for me. and I got my second Dragon trophy! :)

Areas, relics, stats, etc. above. I also did unlock the 10th combat mastery point, but didn't bother spending it.

Some more little stats just for fun:

Overall Rank (as of right now): 7209

League Points Rank (as of right now): 4602

Highest Rank for Any Hiscores Category: Skotizo, currently rank 105 with 45 kills (I got loads of totems doing slayer anyways, and figured I might as well kill the boss for the relatively-common shot at a jar. didn't get it tho.)

Collection Log Slots Filled: 609 (i was very tempted to go for the 750 log slots task even though it was not remotely 'efficient' for points when just going for Dragon. I just like clogging! but then thinking it thru i was like, the time i spend doing that i could instead get clogs in the real game... alas...)

Pets obtained: 5 (Abyssal Protector, Kalphite Princess, Herbi, Skotos, Tumeken's Guardian). (this adds on to my singular pet from last League, Callisto Cub).

Craziest Drop: 3rd age platebody from a clue, very rare even in Leagues. Honorable mention to Herbi pet from like, 60 herbiboars (pets not boosted)

Hardest Task Completed (according to Wiki's crowdsourced completion rates): Complete the Fight Caves 10 times, which apparently has 0.4% completion. I guess people just don't want to spend the time which is fair bc it's pretty boring. But i wanted the CAs and slayer XP and I had like 7 clears already last night so just decided to skip for tasks and ran 3 more in a row since they're braindead and 20 min.)

Easiest Task NOT Completed: Enter Puro-Puro from a Crop Circle, the only 10 pt task I didn't complete. I just never saw one around and couldn't be bothered to go out of my way to find one.

Task I Can't Believe I Didn't Fucking Get: Equip full Masori, which apparently has been achieved by over 14% of people per wikisync, while less than 2% of people have completed 50 ToA, which is where I left off. Granted not every single one of my raids was a guaranteed purple, but I rolled 38 purples, ELEVEN of which were masori pieces. 9 bodies and 2 legs. i mean, on the bright side, the mask was probably the best piece to be missing...)

Relic Choice I Most Regret: None! lmao I was quite happy with my choices. as I said I'm tempted by some REGIONS and builds I didn't experience, so I may try out an alt, but for now I'm taking a break. Hopefully for at least a day or two lmao

[plutos-fourth-moon]

Hello, responding to your question about safety. I don't know if this is helpful but I really hope it is.

I don't know what city you're in (and don't tell me!) but cities do tend to be more liberal so you're likely safer where you are than some places in Texas. You can even check an election map to see how the county you're in voted overall.

Try the reuters 2024 election map online. If it's blue, great! You're in a more liberal area.

But if you are not, do you have local friends? You could try to go out with a friend(s) (especially if they're white Americans). It doesn't guarantee no harassment, but it would likely be safer than being out on your own. They can help back you up or even do some of the talking for you if you're both comfortable with that.

And I know that might feel awkward to bring up but for example, I used to drive my friends grocery shopping all the time in college. Sure it was usually because they wanted to buy more things or it was obnoxious to get to by bus/foot but I was happy I could help them.

A good recommendation is to help pay for gas or buy them a meal (depending on the task you're requesting help for, and it doesn't necessarily have to be every single time, etc.) or just be willing to help them out when they need help.

(Some of those friends then helped me when I moved.)

And sometimes it can be something like, hey if I meet you at the dorms can I get a ride (or can I walk with you) to that event (party or w/e) you're going to? Speaking for myself, if someone's making it super easy on my end it makes saying yes much easier!

Basically, check, you might be in a more liberal area than you initially think and then buddy up with friends if possible.

I'm really sorry you feel unsafe and scared. If nothing else please know you're not alone.

*hugs*

Thank you for this response, I really needed it. It took me a bit to answer because I was trying to find the right words. I looked at the election results of my county, and it was 70% Trump voters so yeah... On the other hand tho, I have friends who have been helping me lately, they are the only 4 POC in my major, so we gravitate towards each other. aside from them I also have a few other friends who I've been trying to stick with when I go out. Thanks for the advice, it's nice to know I'm not alone.

[walkintrafficjam]

Brene Brown stuff idk

hey hey, I'm back. Recently, I was re-watching and reading stuff from Brene Brown. She is like famous for her conversation around the power of vulnerability. It was interesting as I never thought that the fear of vulnerability can connect with being a perfectionist. Anyhow, I have been trying to express gratitude to people more lately because of it. I guess expressing care and love is kinda vulnerable for me sometimes. But that's exactly why I did a little nice letter to the grads student to offset the time I bully them hehe.

On that topic of vulnerability tho, funny enough, I thought about deleting this blog page many times. Honestly, some of the stuff I write on here definitely feels kinda cringey. OR just a bit embarrassing... and dare I say it... VULNERABLE? But isn't that interesting? That a blog page that give people the closest access to my brain is the stuff I find cringey. Maybe, subconsciously I judge my thoughts a lot so I never discuss about these topics to people face to face in real life. However, I genuinely think everyone has these feelings or thoughts they don't want others to know, right?

Right... guys? Helloooooo? The feeling of shame kinda crazy. But I hope the blog can make others feel a bit better. Honestly that definitely outweigh the con of being cringe.

And I do agree with Brene Brown. That there is something beautiful and strong about someone being fully honest and vulnerable in world that judge us. I mean-- I probably judge others too at one time in point regrettably. I'm no more morally better. But that why it is so admirable when a person can express kindness and softness with such intensity and free of judgment for others. I have a coworker that told me not to bend my back to help others because they can easily stab you from behind and leave you to bleed out. And I just remember sitting there feeling sad for her. The harshness of the world has turn her cold and distant. I think of a Mistki's song where she sing, "You stay soft, get beaten. Only natural to harden up." People think kindness is due to weakness and naivete. Honestly, I disagree. To express kindness is harder than being mean and cold. It's so easy to be emotionally burn out and selfish. So much harder to trust despite no guarantee of safety.

I recently realize you can bond so much with someone if you're willing to reach out. Recently, I was on a project in which I felt like I didn't perform so well. Honestly, I did what I could within my ability but there was a lot of restriction with the tools I have. It was honestly emotionally debilitating to me. I barely could sleep. It was 3 AM and I was sweating as if I have night terrors. Feverish almost. I never felt so isolated. I decided to thug it out for the rest of my next working days. However, I slowly caved and started reaching out to other people in my field who I admired. It was more honestly an emergency panic than a strong deliberate act of vulnerability. But by doing that, I never felt so much respect and love from a community. Working in sound can feel very lonely. Only a few of us. Neither a lot of us on site. No one really understand how and why it can be difficult. I reached out to people who I thought was above my level. That probably doesn't even know I exist. Way to experienced to know someone on my skillset. Therefore, I was so surprised to know that they do know of me. One vouch for my work and the other offer to do a coffee talk! I connected on a level with them that I wouldn't think I could if I wasn't honest about the emotional crisis I was in. Super cool! Would totally do it again lol.

But yeah vulnerability isn't like an emotion. It's a skill. A practice. And you know what, I don't mind if people think my emotion can be a bit cringey. I think we all kinda cringey in our own ways. Also, I'm not like waterboarding any of you to read this ha. ha. ha.

On a side note, as I was watching clips of brene brown, her southern accent got heavier over the year and it like really throw me off.

[cat-mermaid]

I don't know how many of you have had youtube's newest redesign kick in yet, but I can now confidently say

fuck it

just fuck it

I am watching the fucking internet dissolve in front of me

I grew up watching the net come into being, grow and become more polished, then enjoyed a golden age where everything was optimized to be convenient and as stress free as it could be for the user

now they (the ominous they) are taking a metal bat to the knee caps of the net, breaking it as much as they can in order to get you to click and struggle through the mire of fucky clunky interface in the vain hopes that you will both see/click on more ads

My fav example: ETSY

Etsy used to have an amazing search filter, like as of last year around this time-ish. It was so great, you could narrow it down to just about any specific product, you could find what you wanted and sift out anything you didn't

EXAMPLE:

I want an iron on patch in the shape of an eye

I do not want an eye patch like wat a pirate would wear

You used 2 be able to go into the filters and set the search to patches, guaranteeing u would not have to sift through pages upon pages of goddam pirate costume accessories

Now tho? I search anything, no matter how I word it, I'm getting everything that has those words in the title, meaning I have 2 click through page after page to eek out the actual eye shaped iron on patches or whatever

and u kno wat? I realized I've been using Etsy a LOT FUCKIN LESS THEN I USED 2 because of how time consuming its become to search for products

Long term this is going to bite every website that breaks itself for the short term profits because when something becomes more and more irritating to use, people stop using it

I've found myself shopping on Poshmark, Mercari and Ebay more and more cos their searches are still easy and quick to use

The internet is like a soggy cardboard box that is currently dissolving before our eyes

it sucks and I don't see it getting better untill it gets way worse :(