#i don't encourage the use of drugs but i'm not going to shame anyone who does 'em

[circusgoth-dotcom]

i feel like i have such an interesting relationship with the smell of cigarettes and weed (not really sure if it's a unique relationship however)

like i'm fairly used to the smell of weed because we had a neighbour for about two years who would open his porch door and smoke some loud ass grass every once in awhile, i don't really have any strong opinions of it (i've never actually done drugs i'm a poser ik (light-hearted), i'm interested i've just never had the opportunity y'know)

cigarettes however! i don't usually like the smell of active cigarette smoking and it tends to make me cough, but the lingering smell of cigarettes after someone has left the area is incredibly nostalgic and comforting to me. because i'm close with someone who's smoked cigarettes all the time that i've known them and i care about them a lot so i just think of them when i smell it

[mangodestroyer]

Anyone else starting to think that maybe they don't have a "mental illness" or a "mental condition", but that they're actually just having a normal response to their environment?

I used to really identify with depression. As well as autism. They were things that a couple therapists suggested. And I used to find comfort in them because I thought they described my life experience pretty well.

And also, I used to be one of those people who got super into Psychology and started wondering if there was something very wrong with me. I started getting all "do I have this?" and "do I have that?" I also started getting super obsessed with "toxicity" and "working on myself." Thought that I was horrible and toxic for still being miserable at times and that I needed to "put in the work and sort out my problems" to... whatever magical point determines if you've actually "done the work."

It's because the advice is always about "looking inward" because "you're 100% in control of your emotions and responses to things. You can "do the work" to make things better!" Which isn't a bad thing to be aware of and practice, but this can be pretty dismissive and toxic to say about certain situations. But blaming outside factors is considered "toxic."

Um, yeah. I might actually be prone to feeling down at times. Feeling anxious. Having bad thoughts. And, well, autistic tendencies. But tbh, I think my environment has always greatly aggravated those problems. I mean, that's just a natural side effect of living in such a toxic environment where certain people go out of their way to make you miserable/disrespect you and your belongings. While other people shrug or even encourage them. Or being around people who ACTUALLY struggle with emotional regulation (getting super angry all the time, ALL THE TIME, and making it other people's problem; my mother loved to/still does use me as a therapist but doesn't care about my problems in the slightest, so I think that would be a source of misery for someone).

On top of that, isn't it normal for people to sometimes be awkward or overly analytical? Or to get super upset over dumb shit (i.e. misinterpreting a situation as you being left out and feeling under appreciated)? Or to get envious of others when they have something you've always wanted? Or to get super frustrated when dealing with a difficult individual?

I've been talking to irl people more and they don't actually seem to think I'm that abnormal/weird/toxic. Two people told me it's my environment and I need to get out, or at least, find some way to get away from it now and then. And also, people aren't put off by my "autism" either (seriously, I am diagnosed with a similar condition and ig could be on the spectrum, so I'm not trying to dismiss the diagnosis or anything, but I also don't think it's a social death sentence like I used to). I used to think it was scaring people off/causing bullying behaviors in others, but that's actually not true. Working through my trauma, however, has made me more confident and THAT'S making people approach me more. But being terminally online led me to fall down a weird Psychology rabbit hole where I started believing I was too weird, horrible, and neurotic.

It's also been proven that the way therapy is done, at least here in the U.S., just doesn't work. Keeping things surface level and promoting toxic positivity isn't going to help someone with some heavy problems (which is going to be most people in therapy). I think there's also a shaming factor to it (being considered toxic if you aren't always okay). Or just the extreme push with drugs (seriously, I can't even visit a doctors office these days, as someone who is anxious around medical professionals because of bad experiences, without getting anxiety drugs pushed on me!) I've never touch any of those drugs and I'm glad I stayed firm about not taking them. I was almost tempted to because of pressure (literally thought that I was too neurotic at one point and needed anti-psychotics). They just wouldn't have helped me. They would have just been like putting a band aid on a gaping wound. It's disturbing how many medical professionals and therapists will just jump to them within minutes of talking to you.

[compassionatereminders]

Anon said "And who's fault is it that you are awake for 35h+ not having a good time? You, exactly. That's why it's not useful to do drugs while you are in fucking Japan. You are putting the person you are staying with in danger for doing drugs and scare them with not sleeping. Congrats. Sure when you are in Denmark you can do wtf you want but going into a foreign country and doing drugs? That wasn't the wisest idea 🤷🏻‍♀️"

Ok but like... Will anon kindly know their fucking place and take a seat? I know this kind of thing doesn't really deserve an answer, but it pissed me off, and I deal with that by being argumentive :P

Point number 1: whose "fault" is it that Kat is awake on drugs, feeling poorly, for 35+ h? Well, as anon points out, Kat certainly has some responsibility in this situation. But in any given situation, the "fault" can be placed anywhere, depending on who you feel like attacking.

Unless you imagine Kat is literally stealing meds from me without my knowledge, does this situation not also imply "fault" on my side? Have I not knowingly taken on the responsibility of caring for Kat, drug use and all? Please. Don't reduce me to some poor little meow meow being taken advantage of and "put in danger" by the big bad Kat.

What is actually interesting here is anon's need to assign blame in the first place, and the fact that they present this perceived blame as "gotcha", when in fact they are literally repeating what Kat has already said herself.

Then, it would seem to me, that their primary investment is in hurting Kat.

If they truly are SO worried for the well-being of my brother and I, you'd expect them to sense that Kat is already feeling poorly and some amount of guilt/shame-fuelled anxiety. They would be aware that trying to make that worse, will only make the situation harder on everyone. But fact is, they don't care. About Kat, or me, or my brother.

They see an opening, and they immediately punch at it.

Anon, people like you are the reason people don't get help for legitimate problems, people like you actively make life harder for already-suffering people, people like you create a guarded defensiveness in anyone, you are the polar opposite of a compassionate reminder.

Do you think shame and guilt are constructive emotions? Do you think they are good for encouraging healthy behavior? If you do, consider go do some research...

Point number 2: ok no one is in danger, chill out. I think anon is just wildin', but just in case someone out there is legitimately worried, I'm gonna spell this part out. OBVIOUSLY Kat is not doing anything in a foreign country that could get her into serious legal trouble. If nothing else, I wouldn't let her, but she also wouldn't risk that. Misuse of prescription medication is problematic, but it's not dangerous in a legal sense, the way it would be, if we started acquiring street drugs in a country known for cracking down hard on illegal drugs.

Maybe anon is suggesting, rather, that Kat will become "dangerous" from overdoing drugs. I can assure anon that if either Kat or I thought she could become "dangerous" -and by "dangerous" I mostly mean "psychotic" and "dangerous to herself", then she would not have access to these drugs atm.

3: "scare them with not sleeping" .... Ok now you're just reaching. It might have been recently Halloween, but someone struggling to sleep, and subsequently needing a bit of help taking care of herself physically/mentally is not exactly a jumpscare ^^"

4: people who say "congrats" ironically are the literal worst. Go roll in a pile of pebble.

-Quinn

Some words directly from Quinn - the actual real life person involved in this unfortunate affair. So maybe you can all stop putting words in his mouth now? I mean considering that none of y'all actually know enough details about the situation to do anything but make antagonistic accusations

[mellometal]

Hiyo!

For everyone new here, welcome! Glad to have you here. Hope you enjoy your stay!

For everyone who's been here for a while, Y'ALL ALREADY KNOW WHAT'S ABOUT TO GO DOWN.

Yep, this is part two of why I hate Glee so much.

Let's get it. (If there's anything I forgot to mention, go ahead and add them on in the comments or reblogs.)

Obligatory TW: This contains subject matter that may be triggering for some audiences. The following post contains homophobia, biphobia, ableism, underage drinking, faking a pregnancy to manipulate a partner into staying with them, teachers being creepy towards students, mentioned past child m0l3stati0n and invalidation of the victim's trauma, statutory r@pe (between teachers and students), pr3datory behavior....you get the picture.

If anything mentioned above is triggering for you in any way, again, feel free to scroll past this and consume media that's safe for you.

Gentle reminder: This is all my opinion. This is my take on specific moments in the show, plus evidence to back everything up. Not asking for anyone to agree with me or anything.

***If you like the show, good for you. I couldn't care less. As long as you're not out hurting people, I don't care. Live your life.***

Sit back, relax, grab some snacks and drinks, and let's get to this thing.

How about I talk about Artie for a few minutes? He's a character I have a ton of issues with. Not because he as a character is disabled. That has nothing to do with why I have issues with Artie. The issues there have to do with his actor, who I'll get to in a minute. It's because everything Artie says that's considered problematic is excused and/or ignored simply because of his disability. They only focus on the fact that Artie requires a wheelchair to get around and nothing else. Honestly, it feels like they pity him and praise him just for being in a wheelchair. While he has had some rough times in the show, it doesn't change that he's no better than anyone and he's just as bad.

There are physically disabled actors who play roles of physically disabled characters and they never make it about how they require a wheelchair, a walker, or any other equipment to get around. An example of a physically disabled actor off the top of my head would be Michael Patrick Thornton. He plays Dr. Gabriel Fife on a show called Private Practice, which nobody mentions the chair and his character is a lot more than his disability.

Kevin McHale, Artie's actor, is an able-bodied actor who was cast as a physically disabled character who requires a wheelchair to get around. The way that Glee portrayed disabled characters in general was inaccurate, extremely unrealistic (i.e., Artie joining the football team and then being told that his wheelchair would be a safety risk....like, don't you have sports made for disabled people at that school? Because disabled sports teams do exist.), the storylines with Artie made no sense (i.e., his whole backstory, how he was the lead dancer in one episode and was never mentioned again), and it was offensive. There is a term for this that I didn't even know, and it's called "cr1pface". Basically, that's when able-bodied actors are cast as physically disabled characters. This is a reoccurring theme in live-action media and it's gross.

Glee could cast a Down's Syndrome girl JUST FINE. That's great. Love that. YET THEY COULDN'T BOTHER TO CAST A PHYSICALLY DISABLED ACTOR FOR THE ROLE OF A PHYSICALLY DISABLED CHARACTER. SPECIFICALLY A YOUNG PHYSICALLY DISABLED ACTOR. Because I very rarely see them in live-action media, if at all.

There are more physically disabled characters in cartoons than in live-action media. At least younger physically disabled characters. My point about how younger physically disabled characters need more representation in live-action media still stands. Just in GENERAL, y'all.

Artie isn't all innocent. Here are some screenshots of him sex-shaming Mary Sue and Blaine (a.k.a., Diet Br3nd0n Ur!3) for them not being close in their rendition of West Side Story:

Hey, ummm....news flash, this isn't what directors would actually require their actors to do, let alone request them to do. Unless a director is putting together an on-stage production that has anything to do with sex, they wouldn't do this. (I'm mainly talking about stage productions here, not movie productions. Movie productions are a little different in that aspect.) Also....why would a director who's supposed to be Mary Sue's and Diet Br3nd0n Ur!3's friend ASK FOR THIS? YOUR PLAY WILL NOT SUFFER IF THERE'S NO SEX WHATSOEVER. YOUR PLAY WILL BE FINE.

(I mean it this time. This is your last chance to scroll past this post, click off, whatever you gotta do. This next scene contains mentioned child m0l3stati0n and invalidation of the victim's trauma.)

I want to bring your attention to this scene:

This is the nail in the coffin for me to lose any respect I had for Artie left...which I didn't have much of, to begin with.

Ryder confides in the Glee Club about he was m0l3st3d by an older woman as a child. The older woman was HIS BABYSITTER. A person who was being paid to watch over him by his parents. An eleven year old child...just children in general CANNOT CONSENT to s3x.

(By the way, pedos, this is your daily, unfriendly reminder that your attraction to children is disgusting. Pedo apologists, the fact that you justify pedos being attracted to children is also disgusting. Get professional help. NOTHING can justify grown adults being romantically and/or sexually attracted to children. Stay the fuck away from kids. Pedos and pedo apologists will NEVER be welcome here.)

He didn't ask to be m0l3st3d as an eleven year old boy by a babysitter. When it's an eleven year old girl who gets m0l3st3d by her babysitter who just so happens to be an older man, people are more sympathetic towards the girl and condemn the man. Rightfully so. On the contrary, if it's an eleven year old boy who gets m0l3st3d by his babysitter who happens to be an older woman (like Ryder), people congratulate the boy, tell him he's "lucky", and they don't take what he went through seriously. Why? Because men are expected to ALWAYS want to have s3x, women are pretty much always assumed to be asexual and s3x-repulsed....you get my point. Men don't always want to have s3x. Women actually have s3x drives! SHOCKER.

Artie's response to Ryder telling him that he was literally m0l3st3d AS A FUCKING CHILD makes me SO angry, and I'm about to tell you WHY. They play it off as Artie being naïve and not knowing any better...ALL BECAUSE HE'S PHYSICALLY DISABLED. THEY TREAT IT AS IF HE'S MENTALLY DISABLED TOO, WHICH I CAN'T RECALL IF THEY HAVE EVER DISCUSSED THIS ANYWHERE IN THE SHOW. Seriously? Can you stop pitying and infantilizing disabled people who use wheelchairs to get around all because they use a fucking wheelchair? Naïveté is one thing (this is ONLY IF Artie GENUINELY DIDN'T KNOW anything about m0l3stati0n), but you know, they could've used this moment to teach him about m0l3stati0n and how it fucking affects people. Someone could have CALLED ARTIE OUT because he said something extremely fucked up DIRECTLY TO A VICTIM OF CHILD M0L3STATI0N! But nooooo! Apparently boys can't be victims of m0l3stati0n, according to the dumbasses plaguing the fucking planet, so I guess fuck the THOUSANDS of Boy Scouts who were m0l3st3d by their scout masters since 1944, right? /s

ENOUGH SAID. Let's move on.

The second character in this part I really wanted to get to is Mr. William Schuester, or Mr. Schue for short. Good GOD, this teacher...if I can even call him one at this point, is a terrible person and creepy as all hell. I will call Mr. Schue "Mr. Pr3dat0r" because he's a disgusting waste of splooge who should be in jail.

We can talk about how Mr. Pr3dat0r doesn't have any friends his own age (except for his fiancée, who faked a pregnancy to get him to stay with her), he was literally in the boys' locker room spying on Gary Stu (Finn) WHILE HE WAS IN THE FUCKING SHOWER because he was singing, blackmailed Gary Stu into joining the Glee Club™️ by planting drugs, he has put on racist costumes on quite a few occasions in the show, encouraged his students to twerk to the song "Blurred Lines", and got off on two of his students shaking their asses to the song "River Deep, Mountain High". He's fucking gross. I'll put down the screenshots as evidence so you can see what I'm talking about.

Mr. Pr3dat0r shouldn't be a teacher. I don't think I need to elaborate more. These pictures say enough.

[taechaos]

Idea series oc sneaking Tae in the house after he had big fight with his father about something (your choice if it's smutty or fluff or angsty) with a peek of a vurberable Tae? Honestly i think he would change the topic as soon as he started it and prob with sex.

Anyway I'm really interest in their family dynamic since I remember don't know if it was in part one or two that you mention they have really religious parents? And seeing how harsh their dad is with Taehyung it have me wondering how is his relationship with the mother and ocs with both parents, despite everything the seem really distant from their kids, maybe thats why Tae and YN find comfort in each other. OC is the first real bond Tae made with someone so maybe that's the reason of his fear of being replaced and his obsession with her, and ocs mother probably don't pay that much attention to her so that's why even after the incident she still want him to be there. At this point I'm just rambling I'm sorry. And this ask is all over the place, started with a request and ended questioning characters life 💀💀. Sorry hehe.

when i read this yesterday i was literally blown away by this like hOLY shit your analysis is so in-depth at first i was like damn do my characters have more than oNE DIMENSION?? WHICH IS RLY FLATTERING BUT I THINK ITS JUST UR WORDS THAT MADE ME SOUND SMART 💀💀💀 the ending is chef's kiss tho made me bust a lung SHFJJD thank you so much for taking the time to write this its honestly so fucking amazing. hopefully u can see more of their family dynamic in this drabble :)

Rays of sunlight slither through the cracks in the blinds of the living room, allowing Taehyung's father enough light to scan the newspaper he holds in his hand, with the musical, happy chirping of mockingbirds filling in the silence. All of these beautiful signs of nature and peaceful rotation of the earth makes Taehyung tense up even more.

The moment he got back home from buying drugs, his father greeted him in monotone with a, "would you sit with me for a moment?" and he hasn't spoken since. The zipperbag in his pocket crinkles every time he shifts in his seat, making him cringe momentarily before he starts nervously fidgeting again.

This is so awkward and yet equivalent to hearing: we need to talk. God, why is he so silent?

Clearing his throat, Taehyung stands just as his father flips a page with a lick of his thumb. "I'm going to my room really quick."

"No."

"Oh." When will his step-mother return? She's his only hope as he sits down while avoiding looking at his father, whose gaze is set on the black and white printed pages.

It's only a minute later when he talks without diverting his gaze.

"Your sister is in her room, researching her major to get a headstart on a typical syllabus."

"Smart," he comments with disinterest and nibbles on his upper lip.

"Taehyung, how was your attendance in college?" he folds the newspaper and curiously peeks at his son, who is doing a poor job at hiding his nerves.

"It was alright–"

"Lying is a sin, son," his movements are aristocratic when he leans his chin on his fist. "Don't lie."

"I'm not," he stammers and his eyes flicker, "it was bad at the beginning of the year, but I fixed it."

His father pinches the bridge of nose where his frames lie. "I love your sister, Taehyung," he sighs and takes off his glasses, "I want her to do well. I've given up on you, but her? She can accomplish great things if you're not there to influence her. You're a bad influence. Are you following me?"

Taehyung nods dumbly with a racing heart before registering his words and shaking his head. "What?" he blurts. "I used to help her with her homework all the time–"

"You were home once every month."

"Just because you didn't see me doesn't mean I didn't see her," he coldly says. That's not entirely accurate, but it is true that he saw you more than he saw his parents before he started living here again. For you.

His father is taken aback, offended as he scoffs, "You avoided me and your mother, and yet have the face to stay in our home?" He stands up and passes the coffee table that was Taehyung's only barrier to hover over him with distance. "I expected so much more from you, but you can't even do the bare minimum. An adult without a stable job, respectable girlfriend, and embarrassing grades. I'm ashamed to have raised such a boy, for I can't even call you a man."

Taehyung abruptly stands but he continues, "If you can't even pay rent, go back to that landfill you came from."

"I have to pay rent to live with my family?" He's livid and his hands shake by his sides; they're taking you away from him because what? He isn't the son they wanted him to be?

"You've made it clear that the only thing keeping you here is my daughter," he blindly points at the closed door of your room, "and you will have to try much harder to see her again. Get your life together, and you can come back."

Taehyung's face is heated with anger from the injustice. "What the fuck?! This is such bullshit; you're kicking me out?"

His father frowns at his language, growling, "Taehyung! I will not let you drag her down that path with you. When you stop destroying everything you touch, I'll gladly let you live here."

Destroy? He hasn't done any harm to anyone—especially not you. He knows he's self-destructive, but it doesn't extend to his environment. If he fails, it's his failure, but his father takes it personally instead of encouraging him to do better.

The importance of reputation and success in this family enrages him; he's aware that he's not much of an affectionate person either, but a little love wouldn't hurt to witness in the household.

Instead of defending himself or speaking his mind, he obliges bitterly.

"You need to get laid," are his last words before he slams the door and opens the zipper bag to pop a pill. Ecstasy isn't so fun when you're not around, but he can use the distraction. It's been a bad day.

He flips off a stray cat idling around the garden before casually leaving the property.

—————

Studying isn't fun for you, never has been, never will be. Though you hate every second of it, it does give you something to do to make time pass faster. You've been tutoring yourself about things you'll learn sooner or later anyway, but you guess it doesn't hurt to have to study less when the time comes.

You check the time. It's approaching night at 9 PM, and your father wouldn't protest against a break now, hopefully. He only suggested that you should start studying, but you know what his suggestions really mean.

Do it, or get shamed into doing it with subtle glances.

As if that isn't enough, he constantly checked up on you throughout the day. He wasn't exactly giving you a choice, which irks you.

But that's done and over with, and there's a more pressing matter at hand: where is Taehyung? You heard bits and pieces of the argument, but you couldn't get the whole scoop. You worry he's going to go back to his old habits of never being here, rarely seeing you. He would've been hanging out with you six hours ago out of routine... It can't just be you being clingy. Something happened.

You: are you coming home tonight?

The response takes a few minutes.

taehyung: nop

taehyung: but i am coming to ur room

taehyung: cuz ik u cant sleep without me 😖

You: actually the opposite but ok lol

You: when are you coming

taehyung: whenever u want uwu

You: uwu...?

You: just come before it gets too late

—————

So that was a lie. It's 1 AM and still no word from Taehyung. Okay, maybe you're just being clingy now, but it's unlike him not to be clingy. Maybe he wanted to cool off for a long time after his tak with your step-dad, or simply wanted to hang out with his friends after spending all of his time with you.

That makes sense. What doesn't is the slide of your window and shuffling of your curtains. You instantly sit up in your bed and clutch your blanket closer. You watch a silhouette enter your room as you pick up your limp, your tense muscles relaxing only when you recognize the intruder. You put down the lamp with a click of your tongue, ignoring the relief in your pounding heart.

"Hey," he stupidly grins at you. He looks disheveled, clothes untucked and wrinkled, and from the little light you have, you can see his redshot eyes.

"There's also the door," you remark sassily. "Are you um... high?"

He shrugs and crawls in your bed, dismissive as usual. You both make an effort to keep your voices quiet.

"I talked to mom earlier," you ease into the discussion until he butts in.

"That's great."

You roll your eyes and prop an elbow to look down at him. His head lies on his hands while staring at you, mood strangely upbeat. He's definitely high.

"She was a little sad about something, and I know it involves you. I heard you talking to–" You're interrupted with a lingering peck, a little rough in its force but not unwelcomed.

"I've missed kissing you. Shouldn't you be asleep, by the way?"

Recovering from the unexpected attack, you reply, "It's not that late. I don't have to wake up early."

"You shouldn't ruin your sleep schedule," he tucks a hair strand behind your ear without taking his eyes off of you. "Staying up is hard to stop once you start."

"Yeah, you're a great example," you joke with a quiet giggle. Whispering with him feels intimate in a heart fluttering way. His heart pangs with a feeling he can't put a finger on. "You didn't answer my question."

"Hm?"

"Don't play dumb, I'm really curious. What happened with dad?"

"A lot of things happen with dad," he shrugs, "sometimes we play catch–"

"Taehyung," you give him a pointed look, and he giggles.

"You're right, he'd never play catch with me." He groans as he stretches in your bed before trapping you with his arms on either side of you in one motion. You don't know what he's trying to do, but you watch him above you in amusement. "No offence, but when is your mom not sad when my dad is around?" he laughs with a huff.

"That's rude, Tae," you remark seriously, "she's happy when you're around."

Taehyung's smile falters like yours, his happy guise crumbling when he says, "Are you?"

"Pfft," you roll your eyes, "What do you think? I was up waiting for you."

Ah. That's not a very good influence.

"I'm here now," he whispers, "go to sleep. It's okay, I won't do anything, I know you worked hard today."

You agree with a yawn and nod. But even in your sleepy state, you can read the room—Taehyung is especially attentive of his tone and volume aside from being so tense. "Are you alright?"

"I'm in and on ecstasy," he falls back on his former spot, "I can't not be alright."

"Taehyung, I haven't seen you all day–"

"Yeah, because I didn't want to be here," he looks at you dead in the eye, "and I don't want you to be here."

You blink rapidly, slightly shaking your head in confusion, "What are you saying?"

"Move in with me."

He's met with cold silence, so he persuades persistently, "Don't you want to get away from here? You'll have so much more freedom with me, and I can help you with your assignments and everything. It'll be perfect."

"I— do you... Where?" Taehyung is high and he doesn't know what he's saying is what you believe because this is so out of the blue, so irrational, but he describes it like it's utopia; you are not completely against the idea.

"I have enough money from drug dealing to rent an apartment, and you can tell dad that you want to move out to be like an adult or whatever, that you have a stable job, without mentioning me," he rambles, and his dilated pupils are more noticeable up close; it slightly puts you off.

"Wh-what about mom?"

He scoffs, "If she wants out, she can get her second divorce. Don't worry about them; after all, they're apparently the only real adults here," he relates back to not being worthy of being called a man. You shift away from him little by little. "Just trust me."

The phrase is triggering for you, a reminder of the time you were tricked into trusting him moments before your trauma. "We'll talk about this when you're sober," you meekly say, avoiding eye contact.

A wicked smile grows on his face, "I can't wait, princess."

[znqrlbhybbx]

Watch "X Factor (UK) - Series 2 - Bad Auditions" on YouTube

*whenever you're having a bad day and feel shitty about who you are for a second or so, watch these people. At least you're not as fucked in the head thinking you're the bee's knees at singing and compensating overconfidence for lack of failure. Failure is not handled by crying when you're wrong or when you're told something you don't want to hear/lose a battle; it's handled by opening your mind and understanding why your setback happened and analyzing what you could do differently next time to achieve different results.

**imagine how stressful it has to be on the judges' side of things because of these people. I used to be like DON'T BE SO MEAN TO THEM because I used to have insane mental breakdowns the second anyone raised their voice at me (I believe I'm a high functioning autistic because of my behaviors growing up but my mom is always Ythsma and thinks I'm wrong about everything) and now I'm like damn I'm glad I grew the fuck up and see the world this way. XD

***this is also a great example of how your family can influence your personality because a lot of families believe that their children should focus on what they love to do and even if they're not good at something, they'll encourage and lie to them. I had the opposite problem. My mom had me for all the ring reasons and wanted to live vicariously through me and she longer for beauty, a husband, children, and to be a housewife; she thought prostitution would find her rich men she could marry and use. She was wrong and started selling drugs because that's who she found. That was off topic but I'm stressed and the point of this story is, I was forced to go to aerobics, jazz, tap dancing; none of which I wanted to do. My mom wanted me to never be concerned with my weight because I ate junk food and I would quit soon after being dragged into classes in years the first few times. I did enjoy ice skating so as soon as my parents split up because my next pair of skates was going to be a grand (I was in Freestyle 3) I had to quit. Even now I get shamed weekly about how I have "wasted all of my talents because it's too late for me, how sad". But the biggest part of the reason I quit these activities that I did find fun and gained confidence from was my mom constantly reiterating that I was the best bad better than everyone else I'm the class and looked better and my ears were the most beautiful and so were my eyebrows, so when I was 18 I tweezed them all out because I loved the goths. That made me feel fantastic. I shaved them off thrice more after growing them back and I'm happy to report that after my mom fucked hers up, the first time; they never came back right. I have to find joy in the little things the universe dishes out to this woman.

More yoga tonight to keep the stress back. 😉

[hottmessexpresss]

**Trigger Warning** Those who are sensitive to topics such as: drug-use, over-dose, and language/descriptions/scenarios involving drugs and drug activity, please do not continue reading, or read at your own risk**

I remember I was in the parking lot of a 24 hour fitness in Bakersfield, Ca. I remember distinctly feeling like I was wrapped in a warm, weighted blanket. My breathing was shallow, but it felt "nice". I felt as if some large fluffy llama was sitting directly on my chest. Oddly enough, I felt at peace...and I felt very, very, sleepy. I didn't feel scared. I felt "whole" for the first time- I felt...happy.

Unknown time had lapsed and I woke up with vomit all over my shirt. I was dazed and confused, and blisfully unaware of my surroundings. I came to, and the passenger next to me was crying and repeatedly saying, "I don't want to go to jail. I don't want to go to jail."

That was my first and only opiate induced over-dose, and before Narcan has been heavily encouraged and issued. If you think that was enough to scare me, you're dead wrong.

Fast forward 6 years, give or take...and here I am sitting in the hospital watching my husband writhe in pain. He just had a total shoulder replacement surgery for a second time, at 42 years old (that is considered "young" for this type of evasive surgery.) My husband never shows he is pain, and has been dealing with this pain for over a year. Doctors never took him seriously. He didn't "look" to be in pain, and his physiological responses didn't "show" he was in pain. Often, there was frustration. Anger. Resentment. Not a soul believed him, and he had accepted he was going to have to deal with it for the remainder of his life. My husband served 21 years in the United States Military. His body is proof of what men and women can endure ensuring our freedoms are protected.

My husband has said, "If it weren't for these junkies, I wouldn't have to be jumping through hoops to be taken seriously." It didn't offend me. It didn't hurt my feelings. With the recent (but not new) opiate epidemic, my mind has been reeling with questions, thoughts, and residual pain. How* do we as a society, fix this problem? What can be done to HELP? What types of out-patient, low cost programs could make an impact in communities of these (addicts) people?

Drugs do not discriminate. When I was detained by the oh-so-lovely, Bakersfield Police Department back in 2014, I was treated as less than a person. "How long have you been doing drugs??? You're too pretty and young to be a tweaker." I was humiliated. I sat in silence, and in that moment "they" had won. I wanted to tell them....."If you only knew me.....if you only knew my story....my amazing, loving, parents...my upbringing, my home...my college education....." but to them, I was just 'another tweaker,' and another case number to report on. The stigma is there. I've seen comments on numerous facebook posts, "tweakers deserve to die." But my friends, they do not. If it weren't for the passanger in my car 6 years ago (even if it were for selfish reasons...AKA not going to jail) I would not have had my beautiful babies, and I would not have had a fighting chance to change my life in a productive and meaningful way.

Not even a full 24 hours after surgery, my husband's nerve block started to wear off. We paged his nurse for relief......and what happened? The on-call resident had a nurse bring my husband Tylenol. Tylenol. After a major surgery. I was offended, and in that moment, I felt embarrassed. There are people out here in this world in legitimate pain. Because of the sudden intensity of the current opiate epidemic, they (pain patients) were forced to taper off of their medication completely, or cut back harshly on their medication. Is this the right thing to do? Is this fair to those battling pain daily with the medical records to back it all up? This is where most addictions can start. "It's a prescription by my doctor... so it's fine." I can bet most do not abuse them, because of course, they need them. But there also people out in this world with emotional pain.

The first time I tried Oxycontin, I felt the effects relatively quickly. Battling depression since 12 years of age, I was dealing with my parents divorce and remarriages, new family dynamics, being a fat, and bullied nerd....I never took medication long enough to know if it would be helpful to me. So in that moment, naiive to what was to come, not knowing my genetic predisposition, I thought to myself, "so THIS is happiness....THIS is what "normal" feels like." And so began my endless and bottomless search for that euphoric happiness, and my self-medication began.

My husband was finally given an Oxycodone 11 HOURS later. It was horrible seeing his face knowing he was in unbearable pain. "We're giving you two doses of Oxycodone, Mr. Steele." My ears. I heard the name, and I knew it all too well. A former best-friend of mine; one whom I loved more than myself and loved more than anything else in this entire world at one point. The word itself, triggered me. Almost 6 years of being free and clear off that shit, and the word alone sent my neurotransmitters firing rapidly and excitedly. My brain started to illict a chemical and emotional response... to a fuckin' word*. I started to feel anxious. Uneasy. Worried. Angry. Jealous. To those who have never been addicted to drugs, this probably sounds absolutely CRAZY to you. How can someone be jealous of someone in legitimate pain and taking pain pills? Well, someone who had once before been EXCITED to fracture her thumb knowing she was getting pain pills (me). I knew* my husband needed them. I knew he had a legitimate reason to need them-but I felt* out of my mind. That* is addiction... That* is your brain fighting against the rational fibers of what is "normal". After addiction sets in, your brain under goes chemical changes. Your "Hedonic Set-Point" of happiness is altered and flipped the fuck upside down. You become addicted because you realize that the intense euphoria and happiness, that warm, fuzzy feeling in your stomach, the rush to your head...have all caused a peak beyond your "set point" of euphoria. You crave it, and you NEED it just to even function and feel "normal" If you don't use (drugs), your entire body shuts down and you become so sick (the flu times 500). So you continue to use and abuse anything to reach the level of "normal" (and beyond) in order to not feel like a depressed piece of shit. Rock bottom hits (whenever and however that is and may be, and some will never experience the same rock bottom) and you get clean, and your "hedonic set point" is reset and now, unrealistic. You soon realize you will never* feel that level of happiness again (sober). Social context, and psychological predispositions can trigger a response in your brain to want to achieve that chemical, unrealistic level- over and over again.

Recovering addicts face this day in and day out, and in this case, recovery** is a CHOICE. No one wakes up one day and says, "you know what? I'm going to steal from my family and act like a reckless fool and ruin my normalcy and fuck up my entire family (and my fuckin' credit score) Addicts can do bad things, but that doesn't make them bad people. They are the walking wounded. In the words of my favorite author, Charles Bukowski, "we don't even ask (for) happiness, just a little less pain." A close friend of mines addiction was so deep, she lost custody of her child and lost sight of everything she once loved. No one in their right mind* would EVER jeopardize the relationship and well being with their own flesh and blood. People who weren't addicted could never phatom this scenario, but addiction is* ugly. She passed away almost two years ago, leaving her daughter and family behind. Again, addiction can be so powerful and it trumps all things good. Addicts become selfish. Because they only care about themselves and their next fix. Unless they get the proper intervention, have kick ass insurance, and the will and reason deep down to stop, they won't. That's why in NA, they say some people's only way out of addiction, is jail, institutions, or death.

I feel embarrassed sometimes to admit any of this. Those who knew me in my active addiction phase, constantly said, "where* is Katelyn? Where* did she go? This is not* the Katelyn we know and loved..." Addicts have to first admit they are powerless over their addiction. Along with this, comes a mountain of shame, guilt, embarrassment, shame, and a total slap in the face of everything* they were covering up during their abuse. We have to essentially re-learn how to live life again. How to cope with underlying mental illness, how to cope with triggers, how to live day to day without their former best friend.

I wish deep down I wasn't this way. I wish deep down the muffled voice subtly nagging at my brain would stop. I wish i knew better. I don't feel this hardcore temptation anymore. In the beginning, everything felt "unfair" and life kept throwing punches at me and I struggled to handle them. I blamed others for my addiction and carried around SO much anger. One day, it clicked. No one forced me to do anything. Only I was to blame. I was responsible and accountable for what happened to me, and only I was responsible for changing my behavior. It was hard. Most of the time, it felt virtually impossible to stop. If any addict could take a magic pill to end the cycle and to start their lives over, I'm betting some- if not most, would. This blog isn't a debate on whether or not addiction is a choice. I could sit here and debate with anyone all day on this subject. This entry is merely pointing out a basic and yet complex struggle one can face years and years down the line during their recovery. I look back and feel accomplished. I overcame something not everyone has the privilege to escape from. Being clean, I was able to rediscover myself, reevaluate goals, mend relationships, and lead a meaningful life. I found my soul-mate and have two amazing babies. My hope for anyone struggling with addiction is to overcome. Take advantage of any and all local resources and dig deep down to find the desire to want to stop. It might take you more than one attempt to get clean. In NA, they mention over and over to never feel like relapse isn't possible and that it "won't happen" to you. Because it is possible. It can happen at any given moment, and there is always a chance of giving in to the demons you have worked so hard to manage and control. Make the concious choice to NOT give in to the monster, no matter how tempting it could be. You are loved. You are worthy.

"Just for today, my thoughts will be on my recovery, living and enjoying life without the use of drugs. Just for today, I will have faith in someone in NA who believes in me and wants to help me in my recovery. Just for today, I will have a program. I will try to follow it to the best of my ability. Just for today, I will be unafraid. My thoughts will be on my new association's- people who are not using and have found a new way of life. So as long as I follow that way, I will have nothing to fear." (Narcotics Anonymous, text)

Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA)

1-800-662-4357

NA (Narcotics Anonymous)- find NA meetings and local resources for recovery.

http://m.na.org/