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mellometal · 3 years ago

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Hiyo!

For everyone new here, welcome! Glad to have you here. Hope you enjoy your stay!

For everyone who's been here for a while, Y'ALL ALREADY KNOW WHAT'S ABOUT TO GO DOWN.

Yep, this is part two of why I hate Glee so much.

Let's get it. (If there's anything I forgot to mention, go ahead and add them on in the comments or reblogs.)

Obligatory TW: This contains subject matter that may be triggering for some audiences. The following post contains homophobia, biphobia, ableism, underage drinking, faking a pregnancy to manipulate a partner into staying with them, teachers being creepy towards students, mentioned past child m0l3stati0n and invalidation of the victim's trauma, statutory r@pe (between teachers and students), pr3datory behavior....you get the picture.

If anything mentioned above is triggering for you in any way, again, feel free to scroll past this and consume media that's safe for you.

Gentle reminder: This is all my opinion. This is my take on specific moments in the show, plus evidence to back everything up. Not asking for anyone to agree with me or anything.

***If you like the show, good for you. I couldn't care less. As long as you're not out hurting people, I don't care. Live your life.***

Sit back, relax, grab some snacks and drinks, and let's get to this thing.

How about I talk about Artie for a few minutes? He's a character I have a ton of issues with. Not because he as a character is disabled. That has nothing to do with why I have issues with Artie. The issues there have to do with his actor, who I'll get to in a minute. It's because everything Artie says that's considered problematic is excused and/or ignored simply because of his disability. They only focus on the fact that Artie requires a wheelchair to get around and nothing else. Honestly, it feels like they pity him and praise him just for being in a wheelchair. While he has had some rough times in the show, it doesn't change that he's no better than anyone and he's just as bad.

There are physically disabled actors who play roles of physically disabled characters and they never make it about how they require a wheelchair, a walker, or any other equipment to get around. An example of a physically disabled actor off the top of my head would be Michael Patrick Thornton. He plays Dr. Gabriel Fife on a show called Private Practice, which nobody mentions the chair and his character is a lot more than his disability.

Kevin McHale, Artie's actor, is an able-bodied actor who was cast as a physically disabled character who requires a wheelchair to get around. The way that Glee portrayed disabled characters in general was inaccurate, extremely unrealistic (i.e., Artie joining the football team and then being told that his wheelchair would be a safety risk....like, don't you have sports made for disabled people at that school? Because disabled sports teams do exist.), the storylines with Artie made no sense (i.e., his whole backstory, how he was the lead dancer in one episode and was never mentioned again), and it was offensive. There is a term for this that I didn't even know, and it's called "cr1pface". Basically, that's when able-bodied actors are cast as physically disabled characters. This is a reoccurring theme in live-action media and it's gross.

Glee could cast a Down's Syndrome girl JUST FINE. That's great. Love that. YET THEY COULDN'T BOTHER TO CAST A PHYSICALLY DISABLED ACTOR FOR THE ROLE OF A PHYSICALLY DISABLED CHARACTER. SPECIFICALLY A YOUNG PHYSICALLY DISABLED ACTOR. Because I very rarely see them in live-action media, if at all.

There are more physically disabled characters in cartoons than in live-action media. At least younger physically disabled characters. My point about how younger physically disabled characters need more representation in live-action media still stands. Just in GENERAL, y'all.

Artie isn't all innocent. Here are some screenshots of him sex-shaming Mary Sue and Blaine (a.k.a., Diet Br3nd0n Ur!3) for them not being close in their rendition of West Side Story:

Hey, ummm....news flash, this isn't what directors would actually require their actors to do, let alone request them to do. Unless a director is putting together an on-stage production that has anything to do with sex, they wouldn't do this. (I'm mainly talking about stage productions here, not movie productions. Movie productions are a little different in that aspect.) Also....why would a director who's supposed to be Mary Sue's and Diet Br3nd0n Ur!3's friend ASK FOR THIS? YOUR PLAY WILL NOT SUFFER IF THERE'S NO SEX WHATSOEVER. YOUR PLAY WILL BE FINE.

(I mean it this time. This is your last chance to scroll past this post, click off, whatever you gotta do. This next scene contains mentioned child m0l3stati0n and invalidation of the victim's trauma.)

I want to bring your attention to this scene:

This is the nail in the coffin for me to lose any respect I had for Artie left...which I didn't have much of, to begin with.

Ryder confides in the Glee Club about he was m0l3st3d by an older woman as a child. The older woman was HIS BABYSITTER. A person who was being paid to watch over him by his parents. An eleven year old child...just children in general CANNOT CONSENT to s3x.

(By the way, pedos, this is your daily, unfriendly reminder that your attraction to children is disgusting. Pedo apologists, the fact that you justify pedos being attracted to children is also disgusting. Get professional help. NOTHING can justify grown adults being romantically and/or sexually attracted to children. Stay the fuck away from kids. Pedos and pedo apologists will NEVER be welcome here.)

He didn't ask to be m0l3st3d as an eleven year old boy by a babysitter. When it's an eleven year old girl who gets m0l3st3d by her babysitter who just so happens to be an older man, people are more sympathetic towards the girl and condemn the man. Rightfully so. On the contrary, if it's an eleven year old boy who gets m0l3st3d by his babysitter who happens to be an older woman (like Ryder), people congratulate the boy, tell him he's "lucky", and they don't take what he went through seriously. Why? Because men are expected to ALWAYS want to have s3x, women are pretty much always assumed to be asexual and s3x-repulsed....you get my point. Men don't always want to have s3x. Women actually have s3x drives! SHOCKER.

Artie's response to Ryder telling him that he was literally m0l3st3d AS A FUCKING CHILD makes me SO angry, and I'm about to tell you WHY. They play it off as Artie being naïve and not knowing any better...ALL BECAUSE HE'S PHYSICALLY DISABLED. THEY TREAT IT AS IF HE'S MENTALLY DISABLED TOO, WHICH I CAN'T RECALL IF THEY HAVE EVER DISCUSSED THIS ANYWHERE IN THE SHOW. Seriously? Can you stop pitying and infantilizing disabled people who use wheelchairs to get around all because they use a fucking wheelchair? Naïveté is one thing (this is ONLY IF Artie GENUINELY DIDN'T KNOW anything about m0l3stati0n), but you know, they could've used this moment to teach him about m0l3stati0n and how it fucking affects people. Someone could have CALLED ARTIE OUT because he said something extremely fucked up DIRECTLY TO A VICTIM OF CHILD M0L3STATI0N! But nooooo! Apparently boys can't be victims of m0l3stati0n, according to the dumbasses plaguing the fucking planet, so I guess fuck the THOUSANDS of Boy Scouts who were m0l3st3d by their scout masters since 1944, right? /s

ENOUGH SAID. Let's move on.

The second character in this part I really wanted to get to is Mr. William Schuester, or Mr. Schue for short. Good GOD, this teacher...if I can even call him one at this point, is a terrible person and creepy as all hell. I will call Mr. Schue "Mr. Pr3dat0r" because he's a disgusting waste of splooge who should be in jail.

We can talk about how Mr. Pr3dat0r doesn't have any friends his own age (except for his fiancée, who faked a pregnancy to get him to stay with her), he was literally in the boys' locker room spying on Gary Stu (Finn) WHILE HE WAS IN THE FUCKING SHOWER because he was singing, blackmailed Gary Stu into joining the Glee Club™️ by planting drugs, he has put on racist costumes on quite a few occasions in the show, encouraged his students to twerk to the song "Blurred Lines", and got off on two of his students shaking their asses to the song "River Deep, Mountain High". He's fucking gross. I'll put down the screenshots as evidence so you can see what I'm talking about.

Mr. Pr3dat0r shouldn't be a teacher. I don't think I need to elaborate more. These pictures say enough.

#mello speaks #glee is a shitty show #tw ableism #tw child molestation #tw invalidation of trauma #tw teachers being predatory and disgusting #cw sex mention #cw sex shaming #anti glee #glee #i hate this show

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taechaos · 3 years ago

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Idea series oc sneaking Tae in the house after he had big fight with his father about something (your choice if it's smutty or fluff or angsty) with a peek of a vurberable Tae? Honestly i think he would change the topic as soon as he started it and prob with sex.

Anyway I'm really interest in their family dynamic since I remember don't know if it was in part one or two that you mention they have really religious parents? And seeing how harsh their dad is with Taehyung it have me wondering how is his relationship with the mother and ocs with both parents, despite everything the seem really distant from their kids, maybe thats why Tae and YN find comfort in each other. OC is the first real bond Tae made with someone so maybe that's the reason of his fear of being replaced and his obsession with her, and ocs mother probably don't pay that much attention to her so that's why even after the incident she still want him to be there. At this point I'm just rambling I'm sorry. And this ask is all over the place, started with a request and ended questioning characters life 💀💀. Sorry hehe.

when i read this yesterday i was literally blown away by this like hOLY shit your analysis is so in-depth at first i was like damn do my characters have more than oNE DIMENSION?? WHICH IS RLY FLATTERING BUT I THINK ITS JUST UR WORDS THAT MADE ME SOUND SMART 💀💀💀 the ending is chef's kiss tho made me bust a lung SHFJJD thank you so much for taking the time to write this its honestly so fucking amazing. hopefully u can see more of their family dynamic in this drabble :)

Rays of sunlight slither through the cracks in the blinds of the living room, allowing Taehyung's father enough light to scan the newspaper he holds in his hand, with the musical, happy chirping of mockingbirds filling in the silence. All of these beautiful signs of nature and peaceful rotation of the earth makes Taehyung tense up even more.

The moment he got back home from buying drugs, his father greeted him in monotone with a, "would you sit with me for a moment?" and he hasn't spoken since. The zipperbag in his pocket crinkles every time he shifts in his seat, making him cringe momentarily before he starts nervously fidgeting again.

This is so awkward and yet equivalent to hearing: we need to talk. God, why is he so silent?

Clearing his throat, Taehyung stands just as his father flips a page with a lick of his thumb. "I'm going to my room really quick."

"No."

"Oh." When will his step-mother return? She's his only hope as he sits down while avoiding looking at his father, whose gaze is set on the black and white printed pages.

It's only a minute later when he talks without diverting his gaze.

"Your sister is in her room, researching her major to get a headstart on a typical syllabus."

"Smart," he comments with disinterest and nibbles on his upper lip.

"Taehyung, how was your attendance in college?" he folds the newspaper and curiously peeks at his son, who is doing a poor job at hiding his nerves.

"It was alright–"

"Lying is a sin, son," his movements are aristocratic when he leans his chin on his fist. "Don't lie."

"I'm not," he stammers and his eyes flicker, "it was bad at the beginning of the year, but I fixed it."

His father pinches the bridge of nose where his frames lie. "I love your sister, Taehyung," he sighs and takes off his glasses, "I want her to do well. I've given up on you, but her? She can accomplish great things if you're not there to influence her. You're a bad influence. Are you following me?"

Taehyung nods dumbly with a racing heart before registering his words and shaking his head. "What?" he blurts. "I used to help her with her homework all the time–"

"You were home once every month."

"Just because you didn't see me doesn't mean I didn't see her," he coldly says. That's not entirely accurate, but it is true that he saw you more than he saw his parents before he started living here again. For you.

His father is taken aback, offended as he scoffs, "You avoided me and your mother, and yet have the face to stay in our home?" He stands up and passes the coffee table that was Taehyung's only barrier to hover over him with distance. "I expected so much more from you, but you can't even do the bare minimum. An adult without a stable job, respectable girlfriend, and embarrassing grades. I'm ashamed to have raised such a boy, for I can't even call you a man."

Taehyung abruptly stands but he continues, "If you can't even pay rent, go back to that landfill you came from."

"I have to pay rent to live with my family?" He's livid and his hands shake by his sides; they're taking you away from him because what? He isn't the son they wanted him to be?

"You've made it clear that the only thing keeping you here is my daughter," he blindly points at the closed door of your room, "and you will have to try much harder to see her again. Get your life together, and you can come back."

Taehyung's face is heated with anger from the injustice. "What the fuck?! This is such bullshit; you're kicking me out?"

His father frowns at his language, growling, "Taehyung! I will not let you drag her down that path with you. When you stop destroying everything you touch, I'll gladly let you live here."

Destroy? He hasn't done any harm to anyone—especially not you. He knows he's self-destructive, but it doesn't extend to his environment. If he fails, it's his failure, but his father takes it personally instead of encouraging him to do better.

The importance of reputation and success in this family enrages him; he's aware that he's not much of an affectionate person either, but a little love wouldn't hurt to witness in the household.

Instead of defending himself or speaking his mind, he obliges bitterly.

"You need to get laid," are his last words before he slams the door and opens the zipper bag to pop a pill. Ecstasy isn't so fun when you're not around, but he can use the distraction. It's been a bad day.

He flips off a stray cat idling around the garden before casually leaving the property.

—————

Studying isn't fun for you, never has been, never will be. Though you hate every second of it, it does give you something to do to make time pass faster. You've been tutoring yourself about things you'll learn sooner or later anyway, but you guess it doesn't hurt to have to study less when the time comes.

You check the time. It's approaching night at 9 PM, and your father wouldn't protest against a break now, hopefully. He only suggested that you should start studying, but you know what his suggestions really mean.

Do it, or get shamed into doing it with subtle glances.

As if that isn't enough, he constantly checked up on you throughout the day. He wasn't exactly giving you a choice, which irks you.

But that's done and over with, and there's a more pressing matter at hand: where is Taehyung? You heard bits and pieces of the argument, but you couldn't get the whole scoop. You worry he's going to go back to his old habits of never being here, rarely seeing you. He would've been hanging out with you six hours ago out of routine... It can't just be you being clingy. Something happened.

You: are you coming home tonight?

The response takes a few minutes.

taehyung: nop

taehyung: but i am coming to ur room

taehyung: cuz ik u cant sleep without me 😖

You: actually the opposite but ok lol

You: when are you coming

taehyung: whenever u want uwu

You: uwu...?

You: just come before it gets too late

—————

So that was a lie. It's 1 AM and still no word from Taehyung. Okay, maybe you're just being clingy now, but it's unlike him not to be clingy. Maybe he wanted to cool off for a long time after his tak with your step-dad, or simply wanted to hang out with his friends after spending all of his time with you.

That makes sense. What doesn't is the slide of your window and shuffling of your curtains. You instantly sit up in your bed and clutch your blanket closer. You watch a silhouette enter your room as you pick up your limp, your tense muscles relaxing only when you recognize the intruder. You put down the lamp with a click of your tongue, ignoring the relief in your pounding heart.

"Hey," he stupidly grins at you. He looks disheveled, clothes untucked and wrinkled, and from the little light you have, you can see his redshot eyes.

"There's also the door," you remark sassily. "Are you um... high?"

He shrugs and crawls in your bed, dismissive as usual. You both make an effort to keep your voices quiet.

"I talked to mom earlier," you ease into the discussion until he butts in.

"That's great."

You roll your eyes and prop an elbow to look down at him. His head lies on his hands while staring at you, mood strangely upbeat. He's definitely high.

"She was a little sad about something, and I know it involves you. I heard you talking to–" You're interrupted with a lingering peck, a little rough in its force but not unwelcomed.

"I've missed kissing you. Shouldn't you be asleep, by the way?"

Recovering from the unexpected attack, you reply, "It's not that late. I don't have to wake up early."

"You shouldn't ruin your sleep schedule," he tucks a hair strand behind your ear without taking his eyes off of you. "Staying up is hard to stop once you start."

"Yeah, you're a great example," you joke with a quiet giggle. Whispering with him feels intimate in a heart fluttering way. His heart pangs with a feeling he can't put a finger on. "You didn't answer my question."

"Hm?"

"Don't play dumb, I'm really curious. What happened with dad?"

"A lot of things happen with dad," he shrugs, "sometimes we play catch–"

"Taehyung," you give him a pointed look, and he giggles.

"You're right, he'd never play catch with me." He groans as he stretches in your bed before trapping you with his arms on either side of you in one motion. You don't know what he's trying to do, but you watch him above you in amusement. "No offence, but when is your mom not sad when my dad is around?" he laughs with a huff.

"That's rude, Tae," you remark seriously, "she's happy when you're around."

Taehyung's smile falters like yours, his happy guise crumbling when he says, "Are you?"

"Pfft," you roll your eyes, "What do you think? I was up waiting for you."

Ah. That's not a very good influence.

"I'm here now," he whispers, "go to sleep. It's okay, I won't do anything, I know you worked hard today."

You agree with a yawn and nod. But even in your sleepy state, you can read the room—Taehyung is especially attentive of his tone and volume aside from being so tense. "Are you alright?"

"I'm in and on ecstasy," he falls back on his former spot, "I can't not be alright."

"Taehyung, I haven't seen you all day–"

"Yeah, because I didn't want to be here," he looks at you dead in the eye, "and I don't want you to be here."

You blink rapidly, slightly shaking your head in confusion, "What are you saying?"

"Move in with me."

He's met with cold silence, so he persuades persistently, "Don't you want to get away from here? You'll have so much more freedom with me, and I can help you with your assignments and everything. It'll be perfect."

"I— do you... Where?" Taehyung is high and he doesn't know what he's saying is what you believe because this is so out of the blue, so irrational, but he describes it like it's utopia; you are not completely against the idea.

"I have enough money from drug dealing to rent an apartment, and you can tell dad that you want to move out to be like an adult or whatever, that you have a stable job, without mentioning me," he rambles, and his dilated pupils are more noticeable up close; it slightly puts you off.

"Wh-what about mom?"

He scoffs, "If she wants out, she can get her second divorce. Don't worry about them; after all, they're apparently the only real adults here," he relates back to not being worthy of being called a man. You shift away from him little by little. "Just trust me."

The phrase is triggering for you, a reminder of the time you were tricked into trusting him moments before your trauma. "We'll talk about this when you're sober," you meekly say, avoiding eye contact.

A wicked smile grows on his face, "I can't wait, princess."

#idea tae #*cue big time rush theme*#just gotta say this one last time #the analysis was so well written #its honestly a sight for sore eyes 😫

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theseagull16 · 4 years ago

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Warning the following content includes swearing ideas of suicide attempted suicide and depression and anxiety and mental illness detailed graphic descriptions and sexual references and criminal acts which could be upsetting to some viewers viewers discretion advised before reading the rest of this post remember this is all of my own oc is not official and I don't know how to make it if it's even possible anyone knows please comment but for now is this is my personal SCP but other Scps mentioned are real as in official

At present day Dizzy has requested out of the blue for an interview it's noted that is SCP has often refused any interviews that is requested to her and any interviews normally that she participates in are immutable, lies or just plain out ignored. But Dizzy has come to researchers and bargains an interview for the deal of being allowed to visit SCP 1508 in private for an hour at least site director... has agreed to the interview and taking Dizzy bargain so long as she doesn't cause any harm at all, any sign of aggression or sines of excitemen stress to anyone during the interview any signs of escape interview and her deal will be off. Dizzy has to where when juring outside of her containment high Dennsery expense gloves to avoid causing inorganic objects to be affected with poison table and area around Dizzy is not to be approached by interviewer or touched juring interview because that would trigger the response of the poston to exploding and causing the effect to happen. Interview Dizzy being green interviewer is in blue

Begin log

Instant silence

You know we could come closer I won't bite, l said I won't hurt anyone and you're standing in the middle of the room on a chair looking like an idiot might as well come closer to the table.

I would but you're leaning your elbows on the table causing your so-called "poison" to infected it and if I touched any object infected with dos green veins I end up suffering norva and diarrhea for the next good 62 hours

sigh what's the point of having these gloves on when everything is already infected with this stuff, there's on point keeping them on

She throws the gloves into a nearby bin

I don't think you're allowed to do that

Err fuck like who's going to care anyway, not like I'm using them anyway

Still if you don't coporate this interview will be over

then herey up and say some God them questions

Alright why a sudden desire to communicate. Until say yesterday you refuse to take any interviews flipping off, telling to f*** off or any other offensive language to anyone who comes near you with the idea of doing any experiments or interviews. And in unlucky situations sometimes you even vandalised there cars, objects rooms, or just make them sick

(A laugh could be heard in a slight giggle) what can I say they deserved it

To you maybe

They do deserve it Dizzy slams her fists onto the table

Calm remember

Yeah I know stay calm or no interview blah you're probably going to ask me about that later in the questions and to answer your question about why I suddenly have the urge to talk to you bush bags I have my reasons but I don't think that's important the only thing your little Foundation fides important is I share my knowledge I ceep carefully to myself so if you want to know anything just ask you're stupid question you had on your mind since the day you started working and found out about me now then I can get on with my day

So long as it ends with you visiting SCP- 1508.

If you mean by Joe which is his name by the way then yes yes I do

Which moves on to the next question why do you dislike when we call you by your designated numbers instead of your name

AAA Dizzy Flores her head back laughing before continuing in a mocking manner you supposed to be smart but still asked me simple easy questions. What to get my opinion it's kind of obvious I don't like being called that because I'm not your property is the degrading and I have a name so I don't see why not use it. it's supposed to be respectful to use somebody's name and I don't see being called at number is very respectful it's why anything or anyone in here that doesn't have a name I give a name

Is that why you break into other SCP containment rooms.

At first usually I just go into the room for entertainment in the form of a conversation or to hopefully make a new friend like and Joe, know any other SCP but then after I get to know them better and I found out they have no identities and some of them are also as miserable as s***. So I give them a name to have an identity with the name.

why do you have the urge to break into other SCP containment for your own entertainment can't use ask for something to keep you entertained

No it's more than just entertainment is the opportunity to travel, explore, marvel and brighten up the day of different objects and people that can usually only be found in fantasy amazing and every experience is almost always something new you can't put a price on that or replicated is not same and it kind of pisses everyone off, so it's an added bonus for me ahah.

Next question are you aware of your other a anomalous traits other than your main one

Do you mean other than the fact that I didn't take a s*** in literally over 60 years, I haven't cough, sneeze, or felt anything other than normal for decades that I don't even need the shower when just for entertainment and It turned the water green with my poison, and that anything that comes on to me like bacteria that is harmful gust slides off my body and clothing and every part of me, that I can't feel actual fear other than shock seeing it's a negative emotion or the fact that I can't be affected by medication even with a positive effect and life vitals machines don't actually work from me yeah I kinda have notice

What's your opinion on the SCP held here at the site and throughout the foundation hard to pinpoint your exact your opinion on SCP even when observing other SCP is hard to get your exact opinion your reaction are randoms to say the least

Actually that kind of a hard one Doc, my reaction is random because it's really depending on what happens when I go in there I don't really know what to expect I just go with the flow and see what goes on in there really it's kinda going into a room blindfolded almost and as for my opinion for other SCP some of them I actually I'm glad they're stuck in here seeing that they will probably kill the whole god damn universe if they ever got out and others I feel sorry and also disgusted by the foundation for keeping it here it's not their fault and they're not even dangerous they just a little different that's all that star eyed girls she just want to get out but you won't let her shame on you

She which you have named galaxy never put any request for ever mentioned for going outside

That's because he is scared if you would just sedate her like other in here

She wouldn't be scared if people not mentioning names didn't tell exactly what people do in here to SCP when they are to Wiley

yeah put the blame on me why not it's not like he has brains to figure it out by yourself you really underestimated SCP that's another reason I find the foundation disgusting we're not objects or least not all of us

Moving on

Hurry up

Do you anything about the laxatives in the tea of dr ....

Maybe

now let's get to the source of this conversation in the first place, why the sudden urge to visit SCP- 1504 usually if you just want to see him you preferably or duo not encouraged method break into his containment and settings free usually or vice versa why now you deciding to go for more for the less catastrophic method of visiting

Like I said before I have my reasons

Oh really

What are you getting at is this a double course because if it's a double course I will

Don't worry we can't even double cross you know negative effect remember

We did some research on your friend Joe as you call him and surprisingly we discovered that today is his birthday and it so happens since was contained every year on his birthday he seems to be more miserable year after year it's also happened you demanded an interview you might despise us but we are intelligent we kind of put the dots together you might as well admit it

.... Alright fine I admit it I ordered this interview in hoping to get privileges of allowing me to visit him on his birthday he is miserable is sad seeing the only companion you probably have around here for who knows how long I stop counting decades ago just drink and get high on his birthday and not even happy it's a miserable sort of way in a sense of will depression and years getting older nothing to getting better for him even after me even just visiting him in his cell still miserable tied up in there but not even a single birthday cake or compliment from anyone other than me to make him feel better even though I know you don't even notice so I decided to take the long short by getting this party

That quite admirable actually your friend is not getting on well with his birthday so you decided to do something sweet for him, don't think from your records of time we let you two be together you'll probably get a reward like an extra radio but a party station I don't know

Worth a try

And what happens if it fails

I guess you'll be another miserable year then

Never realised that your friends up with SCP 1504 this toxic

Personally I think that comment is bullshit.

What makes you think that don't you notice you encourage each other to drink, smoke, commit crimes, and vandalism even notice once a couple of years back that you and "Joe" somehow managed to make a secret meff lab and using it to experiment with different a SCP for fun in the basement of site 91

Hahaha I'm surprised you idiots didn't notice that earlier we somehow managed to drug up at least 6 SCP before anyone noticed and even then it was by accident when they were clean out the old basement Dizzy throws back in her seat laughing AH AH

You think it's funny to drug up SCP some of them are people you know

Bravo and in only took you experimenting on them and somebody else who having needles jabbed into them who are not scientists to say it

Regardless don't you recognise that what you and 1504 are doing is cruel and reckless

Hypocrite!!

You know what I mean

sure on the surface it sounds ridiculous and somewhat crazy and be honest we kind of are it a way but before you see anything is my explanation when you were immune to heam itself we kind of lose the will to be careful in a way and when no negative effect can be brought on to you you also lose more of that desire to hold back in a sense it doesn't mean that your conscience has been affected it does means you're a terrible person a little bit bad but deep down good people or at least I'm a good person and the people we "druged up" as you called it they were all willing to do it and some of those people even asked for those hi all of the SCPS we did it were objects creatures that were animals in a way and people who asked or couldn't get any worse if we give it to them see the records none of those SCP if you don't believe me none of them were harmed at the a little bit delirious and tired after a while but fine we're not monsters we don't do it to hurt them in the way we do it to make them feel better what do you think people take drugs in the first place to make them forget about the horrible things in life it's not good to them and it temporary but what else can I get around here some of them they even steal it from us check the records again if we didn't do it together we probably would have done it in any other scenario and as for encouraging each other for doing thinks like I said when your immune due to lose any sense of dread do it we drink and smoke but in a way is nothing other than like drinking water or leads to me and as for Joe he gets drunk and high but in the end of the day it doesn't kill him it just get a headache I only do it the keep company if I do stop him you just do it anyway so really I I don't do it nothing bad will happen we are not normal people plush employees in the foundation actually bought some of the meth we made before they were probably discovered

OK how much other scenarios like the time you and Joe still Dr.... car and drove it through a SCP portal to another dimension into a abandoned waste dump full of scrap metal that goes on for miles not only did you also kidnap a mtif soldier and through in the back of your car but you also crashed the place and then crashed the car all the time when you and Joe escaped he loading some rich women and you beated her with cricket bat and then stole her money another terrible time when you were transported to another complete by plane with a couple of other SCP they decided to be better if you travel in an like normal people instead of in an enclosure and you're scps friends including Joe before you even entered the plane you used a plank placed on a rod on the floor to hit Dr clef in the balls

Slight giggles

you turned a man into a crying wimp on the floor clutching his groinedon in the plane when a Stuart found out you were french he greeted you in French you shouted back to him vous pouvez sucer le Dr Clef glorifié boules meurtries enflées Stanley Joe got drunk and you filmed it he passed out and then insulted and walked around the whole plane during the entire flight and when you came down you did the same thing you did to Dr clef only to Dr bright even though he tried to avoid it

Ok as for the car bit I was upset about my miserable life and so was joe slightly drunk and felt like we both needed something to cheer each other we saw the car out and I know Dr.... loves that car sweat to God I think I was him kissed it. I got pissed seeing Dr.... is a go for nothing jerk he puts D class into danger for no reason that's like any other people and just like any other person I would want to punish him I told this to Joe well you know what he had the idea of and there was a testing with SCP-093 dimension portal nearby so you can guess what happens next we hijack the car with some bottles of whiskey from some security officer and a camera, Dr.... was me in the car and I flip him off you should have seen the look on his face it was priceless and so we just drove straight through the portal like nothing and mtif trucks was chasing us it was absolute thrill and never felt so alive. And I didn't give a care of anything. The car was faster than them one of the sodger somehow managed to get up to us much have been in the back we didn't notice he was out match I paralyzed him and then we throw him in the back he was a jerk anyway so I don't care Anyway when the gas run out we watching the sunset tuke pictures of the car each other and us settings to the top of the car drnking whiskey having a blast gust two friends hanging out so we have no blame it was f****** awesome then the mtif scod fade us got the guy out of the truck and tode us back the car getting distorted was a actsdet nothing to do with us when we got back one of the crans for the portal fell

As for the incident in the plane Dr clef had it coming for the looongest time just ask any female SCP or researcher I did them a favour. That'll teach him a lesson to make smart ass remarks not so tough when reality

I'll be lying to say your not a little bit right there

The flight attendant mug and I wasn't it really in a good mood since I hate the foundation ice auto be a good time to that's really good friends was making some interesting memory videos and making them all upset. The woman incident was when me and Joe escape once we needed money and there was no banks nearby but a horrible rich woman don't feel sorry for her, we only steel off people that really deserved it well I do Joe don't I make him do it because I don't want him stealing off innocence the lady was a rich scamp who treated the poor folk like trust and Roberts said she was in the black market and even sleep with one of the old judges to get off from stealing charity money from orphans she deserved what she got, we beat up a little not anything fatal just enough to make her ugly then stole some money we broke into her house and use my powers to give us so blisters on her feet to just to make sure that the hit one kill her. And Joe hit her in the back with a bat

Why do you feel like you can use your powers to punish the ones who avoid the justice system in some ways

I have to power to make people suffer I might as well use it tell me if you had a chance to save someone or just stand whilst they be killed you would obviously choose them it's similar to how when I see somebody doing harm I can't just stand there I have to make them pay for it I believe everyone gets what they deserve eventually even if not in life they will get it in hell but it's too late because they're dead so I make sure they get the punishment before the dead to know what they did was wrong

when ever you brings us this or just someone annoys you and you played a prank on them you never killed them no matter how bad things they did are

because if I killed them I will be as bad as the people I call monsters I might have lost a lot of things but I would never ever in any circumstances lose my homity and dignity by being a hypocrite and committing what I believe is the worst thing a person can do to a person bring death and personally I don't really see this as a punishment when it comes to my own suffering I feed as a way out but obviously I'm immortal so that will never happened

When you first came to this Foundation was very suicidal it seemed to approve over the time I'm are you still suicidal

Sort moment of silence

Not as before to say I'm not completely suicide that would be lying kind of faded almost as the decades went through I see it as a sort of sideeffect being a model eventually your pain blur's into the conscience of your mind and your personality over take it because nobody get the live as long as me and I have pretty of distracted seeing as Foundation always bring something new that helps friends I made since helped but to say I'm cured completely nope some days is worse than others sometimes. but if there was a better option to be free for my depression I will take it of course but I'm glad I'm better than before you wouldn't believe how dark that mindset is

Has therapy helped

Yes definitely but is not just therapy I find everything helps me in some ways when it comes to friends to talk to even strangers people to listen to it that matter to get it off your chest helps a lot.

Speaking of your oh so "lovely" friends let's talk about them apart from Joe you made a couple of them over the years some more favourable than others let's talk about them less start with your closest friend and the reason why this interview is taking place in the first place Joe

Well you already know his life from his file as an SCP there's not really much to say about him apart from the fact what is he really like because unlike the rest of you I actually know for fact what he's saying or doing hints why we're so close friends

and hints why you 2 can get away with things like robbing people only two days ago you somehow managed to borrow 50 quid out of the wallet of Dr....

And we spent it on a magic coffee dispenser to trick somebody into drinking bin water just for fun

Nmmmm

But Joe and I kind of need each other he's the first to person to really understand me a fellow SCP you became my friend somebody who knows what it feels like to be lonely and is suffer for a good majority of time in fact I could say he suffers more than me even.I had are you still have a human connection or more reality until he met me he was suicidal depressed and nobody had any idea of it or even he had a blue tick knowledge you should have seen his face when you first realise he finally found somebody to connect to you and don't leave me feel worse that he couldn't give me a hug you know that's why he's in the streets that could because the amount of fluid is Santa's lack of escape makes a mad the let us be with each other and in close proximity because if he doesn't have a human connection now he goes nuts and once he was so this before escape from the mental pain he grabbed me by the solders and end of catching severe case of schizophrenia but also seeing him like that screaming bagging blood everywhere for the 62 hours is painful to watchbut we help with turning away we keep eachother company we have each other's backs we stop each other from going crazy I can feel my world go up if you don't want them with him because he doesn't care what I am he's not here to study he's really the only person that really gives a damn for me anymore and maybe is just because he's desperate for company but it's genuine at least

What about other people But 1st oof Did you ever fall in love

No, if you'd read my record, you would know that my anomalous ability makes people unable to be sexually interested in me, including able to feel any romantic feelings towards me which really sucks because nobody can ever fall in love with me which really sucks because I didn't have a boyfriend before all of this which really fuckin' sucks

Ok let's go back to some other questions then what are some of the other friends like scp-507

Honestly he's a nice guy but we and close friends sometimes gets nervous to are idea of fun mostly pranking people not into that sort of stuff sometimes me and Joe would sneak into his room he's pretty good at using computers

Explain

don't worry we just asked him let us see some videos that we are banned on watching well Joe's banned from watching is's nothing that bad and it's not like we scanned anything light drinker doe sometimes we will go to the roof to drink and being nice we invited him to come with us if you refused he would wosh out after half a bottle

Is that even allowed

Ah F*** them

What about jonesy the half cat you seem to be close to jonesy cat

I love jonesy his sweet and cute be honest he Sims more Joe friend seeing that I can't pet him but he's not afraid of me I can always play with him I told him tricks too

What tricks

I taught him to attack on command he wrecked Dr.... face it was hilarious. Moment of silence come on it was funny he only had a scratch

Moving on how about something different about Dr bright and agent Rocky Jones.

Temporary silence

Are you alright

Yes.

I believe rocky was the first person you ever encountered after your condition so to say happened if I believed correctly you two became close friends over the years even after his hair ternd completely grey you use to joke about that and he'd take time to come to see you and often joke about it until he's unfortunate demise unfortunately turned out to be by Dr bright

Rocky was a good man he was sent to like the other mtif soldier he went to the foundation for the sole reason of wanting to help others and protect others he never shot any human and never ever killed anyone even go against orders to save people including civilians and to avoid death casualties

he still experienced poison first time and leaving the second time he cut off his own hand to avoid getting infected again

Ok f*** off that was by accident and so was the second time you can't go 50 years without hitting an accident even if it's twice the actor of him cutting his arm off surprised me he did it so quickly and so swiftly I still feel sorry for him no matter how many times I see his prosthetic arm and no matter how many times he said to me it was ok I couldn't forgive myself for it but he never blame to me I don't know why but you never blam with me I'm Grace's for that

Unfortunately Dr Jack fight thought it would be a good test subject to a SCP due to the lack of D class and he was close to retirement he killed him with an axe and then experimented on his parts with SCP....

Anger: dat no good whatever he is didn't deserve to kill an innocent man and get away with it no matter how high he's clearance I wanted revenge I wanted to bury rocky picked up what's left of him in the acid bath and bury him of cause acid has no effect on me he's a skeleton but still l made sure he had a proper funeral with me Joe, some classes who are kind of nice and some scientists to also didn't like what bight did and missed rocky but he was the closest thing to a funeral I can get And then plotted my plan it was quite easy wait until it's dark nobody around other than the D classes, SCP and Joe distracted him than the clobbered him over the head well Joe bib then we tied him up to a cargo trolley and use my powers to give him a nail fungus I wanted the real pain to be more brutal than anything I have and then we'll come up he said crossword threaten even gloated and I stuck them over the face for that I told him he was going to suffer he said didn't care he's suffered before but I doubt he'd ever suffer like he did there and you could tell him his face he knew he was f***** when he realised what was coming to him a pit full of angry D classes who all had a bone to pick with him and some SCP who are also hated his guts and so didn't take the D classes we tied him up to the trolley made sure he'd couldn't escape and through him into the pit you should have heard him screaming begging for his released and even asking for help but no he was going to suffer just how rocky did .... 10 times worse the fact that I use my powers against him meaning that he wouldn't die butter suffer for round a good 10 hours it's more worse than poison because it's gets revenger gardens Joe and I just sat there watching with show during beer with him and some cigarettes it was the most relaxing thing I ever did for revents in the morning when everyone came and they put them out he's so scared of me after that's incident and it should be

And what you hate doctor bright so much

He's a prick

Oh really because your friend the plague doctor says otherwise

f*** you the plague doctor is not my friend I met him once when I escaped and he escaped in the same time and I found him by chance I only stayed with him after that to stop him from killing more people I didn't stop him from turning the bodies into what the plague doctor called the pestilence and the curd because they're already dead but he is scared of me he felt poison my poison and he's petrified of me

True when we asked about you in an interview with him he did say he was petrified to you but he also said you hate Dr bright to because you envy him you envy everything about him that he's in a SCP and he has the freedom that you can only wish for freedom to see your family the freedom to feel love freedom to have friends without restrictions to socialise and don't need to worry about making somebody have cancer just by giving them a hug and how he's anomalous ability doesn't seem to affect him that much and you hate when he says he feels upset due to his SCP status saying that because you're the only one who understands to suffering through and SCP you haven't seen your family in their decades you didn't even get to go to your parents funeral when font out you escaped to see the graves of the died of natural causes when MTF squad found are you are weeping at the graves they let you stay there a few minutes and then you went by your own recalled you carried on crying 4 weeks after that and as three siblings you don't even know what they look like no picture of them you have nothing

That plague doctor is wise I will give him that destrudo why am I a nice SCP but I'm stuck in here but all just constrictions that any other SCP has but Dr bright probably the worst person and most dumbest person I ever met is allowed almost get away with everything is not fair and that's for the real reason I hate him he says he understands and is sad because of his predicament of being a immortal he doesn't because I'm immortal to his immortality has no chains attached to it it's it's just sad to say just like that me there's always a catch I could just walk out of here with nobody stopping me but the catch is there's always a catch there's nothing for me out there there's no hatred there's no love there's no nothing what's the point of being a immortal if you can't enjoy it the only thing I bring is sickness and sadness I have to worry about giving people cancer just buy hugging them people are scared of me because of my ability and it should be but I feel miserable Dr bright is able to enjoy his life and he dares feels upset because of his predicament he should be god damn lucky he doesn't need to worry about it I didn't himself I have to worry about not only in myself my mental health but also others are not only hurt

is that why you stay here your numbers ability does prevent us from stopping you leaving

Yes

I see

it's also the reason whenever he says he understands pain the SCP feel the pain that he brings other people I make sure he's truly feels pain and he gets punished for his wrong doing

Now can I have my our with Joe

we'll have to see but that there's a lot of checklist to go through they might be even the couple of days who knows weeks until your permission has been approved

Ash I knew I wouldn't be getting to see Joe today but ok have a backup plan I went to Joe cell and talk to him before I came here if getting is interview fails there's always plan b this is breaks out and we go to the roof to enjoy ourselves and private for an hour

What

Gjvd

Rumbling noises lights Go out

Note lights went out due to SCP 1504 sneaking into the control room and the stopping the lights dizzy then escape through her miss form through the ventilation system and the two met on the roof after SCP 1504 took couple of bottles of beer from dr.... office the two stage on the roof remaining hour on deck chairs that SCP 1504 stole from a supply closetthe towards the sunset together was drinking beers a small recording managed to be caught before cameras went off of the two on the roof

SCP 1504 is blue and dizzy is green

So how was the interview

you no it was emotional but at least I got to see you too old friends

to old friends

the two then sheared and continue watching the sunset

End log

#ocs #scp #dizzy

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znqrlbhybbx · 3 years ago

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Watch "X Factor (UK) - Series 2 - Bad Auditions" on YouTube

youtube

*whenever you're having a bad day and feel shitty about who you are for a second or so, watch these people. At least you're not as fucked in the head thinking you're the bee's knees at singing and compensating overconfidence for lack of failure. Failure is not handled by crying when you're wrong or when you're told something you don't want to hear/lose a battle; it's handled by opening your mind and understanding why your setback happened and analyzing what you could do differently next time to achieve different results.

**imagine how stressful it has to be on the judges' side of things because of these people. I used to be like DON'T BE SO MEAN TO THEM because I used to have insane mental breakdowns the second anyone raised their voice at me (I believe I'm a high functioning autistic because of my behaviors growing up but my mom is always Ythsma and thinks I'm wrong about everything) and now I'm like damn I'm glad I grew the fuck up and see the world this way. XD

***this is also a great example of how your family can influence your personality because a lot of families believe that their children should focus on what they love to do and even if they're not good at something, they'll encourage and lie to them. I had the opposite problem. My mom had me for all the ring reasons and wanted to live vicariously through me and she longer for beauty, a husband, children, and to be a housewife; she thought prostitution would find her rich men she could marry and use. She was wrong and started selling drugs because that's who she found. That was off topic but I'm stressed and the point of this story is, I was forced to go to aerobics, jazz, tap dancing; none of which I wanted to do. My mom wanted me to never be concerned with my weight because I ate junk food and I would quit soon after being dragged into classes in years the first few times. I did enjoy ice skating so as soon as my parents split up because my next pair of skates was going to be a grand (I was in Freestyle 3) I had to quit. Even now I get shamed weekly about how I have "wasted all of my talents because it's too late for me, how sad". But the biggest part of the reason I quit these activities that I did find fun and gained confidence from was my mom constantly reiterating that I was the best bad better than everyone else I'm the class and looked better and my ears were the most beautiful and so were my eyebrows, so when I was 18 I tweezed them all out because I loved the goths. That made me feel fantastic. I shaved them off thrice more after growing them back and I'm happy to report that after my mom fucked hers up, the first time; they never came back right. I have to find joy in the little things the universe dishes out to this woman.

More yoga tonight to keep the stress back. 😉

#Youtube #rot-thirteen #chaotictheoristmilkshake #personal

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darkshrimpemotions · 3 years ago

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THANK you. If one thing struck me HARD watching a recent docuseries on Scientology it was this. The specific beliefs may be somewhat different and the scope of the tactics may be much larger for Scientology, but ultimately they're not that dissimilar.

Most evangelical churches don't have a sales team dedicated to harassing hundreds of thousands of dollars a week out of parishioners, but they absolutely use guilt and shame to convince people it's "righteous" and will bring them prosperity to fund their gaudy megachurches.

Like evangelical churches may not outright demand and enforce that you disconnect from anyone who leaves the flock, but they sure do push the idea that isolating yourself from nonbelievers is the only way to avoid temptation. And they have no problem encouraging active harassment and shunning of anyone who practices another religion. Basically you're taught to harass them to convert and then shun them if they refuse. Not to mention the Christian churches that tell parents to kick their queer children out on the street, send them to conversion camps, or worse. Not that different from disconnection or reprogramming in Scientology.

And in fact JUST like Scientology, Christianity encourages a belief that the entire rest of the world is evil and in need of saving, and uses the understandable rejection their parishioners face for being pushy disrespectful weirdos about converting as evidence to support this.

I'm sure the megachurches themselves serve a similar function to the giant ideal org buildings in that they prevent churches from accumulating more money than their tax exempt status allows. At the church I attended as a teen we had at least five buildings. Five buildings in a town too small to have its own Walmart. Three of them were empty most of the time.

Evangelicals don't offer their kids up to the Sea Org, but there are numerous smaller camps and activities intended to isolate children from the outside world and limit their exposure to those outside the church for more thorough indoctrination--vacation bible school, summer youth camps, evangelical schools or homeschool organizations, after school programs, alternative holiday celebrations, going to church 3-5 times a week, etc. There was a period in my teens, from about 13 to 18, when I had almost NO socialization outside of the church and my entire week and weekend were filled with church activities.

Much like Scientology has done in cities where it has a presence, evangelical churches also run roughshod over civil liberties in small towns across the U.S. Pastors will direct parishioners on how to vote and help organize boycotts to interfere with local businesses, school curricula, and anything else they deem "unchristian." Local churches will train teenagers to get around laws that forbid teaching religion in public schools, as any "student-led" religious activities are technically allowed.

Evangelical churches also foster policing of fellow churchgoers both within and outside of church in a way not dissimilar to what Scientologists do, though for evangelicals it's done under the guise of "loving" each other enough to check each other.

Evangelical churches also run their own drug rehab and charitable organizations, much like Scientology, often making conversion a requirement, exerting pressure to convert as part of their offered "help," or otherwise presenting Christianity as the solution. The people who run these organizations are not usually trained to do anything but evangelize. I've attended many counseling and therapy sessions devoid of any licensed mental health professionals, for example.

Christianity has confession. Scientology has auditing. They are essentially the same tool in different packaging, geared toward fostering shame, lack of trust in oneself, and breaking down individuals until they desperately conform to the group to survive.

There's even something of the way Scientologists are supposed to gain mental abilities as they progress through the different levels in the way evangelicals push the idea of "speaking in tongues" or being "slain/baptized in the holy spirit." Parishioners who have a deep, genuine relationship with god are expected to eventually be granted these "gifts of the holy spirit," despite speaking in tongues being rare even in the bible.

I'm not saying the two are exactly the same. And Scientologists attack people who leave or speak against them on a level most evangelical churches simply don't have the resources for. But their beliefs would support similar action if they did have those resources. The only difference between a cult and a high control group is degree of control. The tactics for brainwashing are the same.

The pressure to perform these feats is immense in some evangelical sects, so much so that you're more likely to pass out from exhaustion and dehydration during one of these attempts as due to any sort of contact with the divine. But the lack of them is also seen as a lack of faith/openness to god, in a similar way to how Scientologists who fail to attain mental abilities with each level are blamed for this failure and made to repeat the level until they do (or more likely, until they successfully fake it).

Both Scientology and Christianity heavily discourage doubt and questioning. The more extreme Christian churches forbid consumption of popular media in an attempt to prevent "wordly ideas" from fostering doubt or questions in parishioners, similar to Scientology.

Evangelical churches, like Scientology, encourage the breaking down of the individual in service to the church, discourage asking questions or seeking out information from sources outside the church, encourage isolation except when drawing new members into the church, and place any failure of Christianity to do what it promises on the shoulders of the individual for not having enough faith. They are extremely toxic organizations that actively harm people and foster abusive dynamics among their followers.

In fact, I fully believe that the prevalence of Christian fundamentalism in American culture probably has a LOT to do with why Scientology has such a big foothold here compared to other countries. If the majority of a population is already primed to obey without question and dismiss their own doubts and cognitive dissonance, they're obviously going to be more vulnerable to a cult.

When are ppl gna realize that the same things that people hate Scientology for are fundamentally the same things that intense Christian sects perform? The difference is that Scientology was born into contemporary resources and publicity, and so not only is it held to a higher standard, but it uses tangible constructs to control people??

#christianity #scientology #cults #high control groups

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hottmessexpresss · 5 years ago

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**Trigger Warning** Those who are sensitive to topics such as: drug-use, over-dose, and language/descriptions/scenarios involving drugs and drug activity, please do not continue reading, or read at your own risk**

I remember I was in the parking lot of a 24 hour fitness in Bakersfield, Ca. I remember distinctly feeling like I was wrapped in a warm, weighted blanket. My breathing was shallow, but it felt "nice". I felt as if some large fluffy llama was sitting directly on my chest. Oddly enough, I felt at peace...and I felt very, very, sleepy. I didn't feel scared. I felt "whole" for the first time- I felt...happy.

Unknown time had lapsed and I woke up with vomit all over my shirt. I was dazed and confused, and blisfully unaware of my surroundings. I came to, and the passenger next to me was crying and repeatedly saying, "I don't want to go to jail. I don't want to go to jail."

That was my first and only opiate induced over-dose, and before Narcan has been heavily encouraged and issued. If you think that was enough to scare me, you're dead wrong.

Fast forward 6 years, give or take...and here I am sitting in the hospital watching my husband writhe in pain. He just had a total shoulder replacement surgery for a second time, at 42 years old (that is considered "young" for this type of evasive surgery.) My husband never shows he is pain, and has been dealing with this pain for over a year. Doctors never took him seriously. He didn't "look" to be in pain, and his physiological responses didn't "show" he was in pain. Often, there was frustration. Anger. Resentment. Not a soul believed him, and he had accepted he was going to have to deal with it for the remainder of his life. My husband served 21 years in the United States Military. His body is proof of what men and women can endure ensuring our freedoms are protected.

My husband has said, "If it weren't for these junkies, I wouldn't have to be jumping through hoops to be taken seriously." It didn't offend me. It didn't hurt my feelings. With the recent (but not new) opiate epidemic, my mind has been reeling with questions, thoughts, and residual pain. How* do we as a society, fix this problem? What can be done to HELP? What types of out-patient, low cost programs could make an impact in communities of these (addicts) people?

Drugs do not discriminate. When I was detained by the oh-so-lovely, Bakersfield Police Department back in 2014, I was treated as less than a person. "How long have you been doing drugs??? You're too pretty and young to be a tweaker." I was humiliated. I sat in silence, and in that moment "they" had won. I wanted to tell them....."If you only knew me.....if you only knew my story....my amazing, loving, parents...my upbringing, my home...my college education....." but to them, I was just 'another tweaker,' and another case number to report on. The stigma is there. I've seen comments on numerous facebook posts, "tweakers deserve to die." But my friends, they do not. If it weren't for the passanger in my car 6 years ago (even if it were for selfish reasons...AKA not going to jail) I would not have had my beautiful babies, and I would not have had a fighting chance to change my life in a productive and meaningful way.

Not even a full 24 hours after surgery, my husband's nerve block started to wear off. We paged his nurse for relief......and what happened? The on-call resident had a nurse bring my husband Tylenol. Tylenol. After a major surgery. I was offended, and in that moment, I felt embarrassed. There are people out here in this world in legitimate pain. Because of the sudden intensity of the current opiate epidemic, they (pain patients) were forced to taper off of their medication completely, or cut back harshly on their medication. Is this the right thing to do? Is this fair to those battling pain daily with the medical records to back it all up? This is where most addictions can start. "It's a prescription by my doctor... so it's fine." I can bet most do not abuse them, because of course, they need them. But there also people out in this world with emotional pain.

The first time I tried Oxycontin, I felt the effects relatively quickly. Battling depression since 12 years of age, I was dealing with my parents divorce and remarriages, new family dynamics, being a fat, and bullied nerd....I never took medication long enough to know if it would be helpful to me. So in that moment, naiive to what was to come, not knowing my genetic predisposition, I thought to myself, "so THIS is happiness....THIS is what "normal" feels like." And so began my endless and bottomless search for that euphoric happiness, and my self-medication began.

My husband was finally given an Oxycodone 11 HOURS later. It was horrible seeing his face knowing he was in unbearable pain. "We're giving you two doses of Oxycodone, Mr. Steele." My ears. I heard the name, and I knew it all too well. A former best-friend of mine; one whom I loved more than myself and loved more than anything else in this entire world at one point. The word itself, triggered me. Almost 6 years of being free and clear off that shit, and the word alone sent my neurotransmitters firing rapidly and excitedly. My brain started to illict a chemical and emotional response... to a fuckin' word*. I started to feel anxious. Uneasy. Worried. Angry. Jealous. To those who have never been addicted to drugs, this probably sounds absolutely CRAZY to you. How can someone be jealous of someone in legitimate pain and taking pain pills? Well, someone who had once before been EXCITED to fracture her thumb knowing she was getting pain pills (me). I knew* my husband needed them. I knew he had a legitimate reason to need them-but I felt* out of my mind. That* is addiction... That* is your brain fighting against the rational fibers of what is "normal". After addiction sets in, your brain under goes chemical changes. Your "Hedonic Set-Point" of happiness is altered and flipped the fuck upside down. You become addicted because you realize that the intense euphoria and happiness, that warm, fuzzy feeling in your stomach, the rush to your head...have all caused a peak beyond your "set point" of euphoria. You crave it, and you NEED it just to even function and feel "normal" If you don't use (drugs), your entire body shuts down and you become so sick (the flu times 500). So you continue to use and abuse anything to reach the level of "normal" (and beyond) in order to not feel like a depressed piece of shit. Rock bottom hits (whenever and however that is and may be, and some will never experience the same rock bottom) and you get clean, and your "hedonic set point" is reset and now, unrealistic. You soon realize you will never* feel that level of happiness again (sober). Social context, and psychological predispositions can trigger a response in your brain to want to achieve that chemical, unrealistic level- over and over again.

Recovering addicts face this day in and day out, and in this case, recovery** is a CHOICE. No one wakes up one day and says, "you know what? I'm going to steal from my family and act like a reckless fool and ruin my normalcy and fuck up my entire family (and my fuckin' credit score) Addicts can do bad things, but that doesn't make them bad people. They are the walking wounded. In the words of my favorite author, Charles Bukowski, "we don't even ask (for) happiness, just a little less pain." A close friend of mines addiction was so deep, she lost custody of her child and lost sight of everything she once loved. No one in their right mind* would EVER jeopardize the relationship and well being with their own flesh and blood. People who weren't addicted could never phatom this scenario, but addiction is* ugly. She passed away almost two years ago, leaving her daughter and family behind. Again, addiction can be so powerful and it trumps all things good. Addicts become selfish. Because they only care about themselves and their next fix. Unless they get the proper intervention, have kick ass insurance, and the will and reason deep down to stop, they won't. That's why in NA, they say some people's only way out of addiction, is jail, institutions, or death.

I feel embarrassed sometimes to admit any of this. Those who knew me in my active addiction phase, constantly said, "where* is Katelyn? Where* did she go? This is not* the Katelyn we know and loved..." Addicts have to first admit they are powerless over their addiction. Along with this, comes a mountain of shame, guilt, embarrassment, shame, and a total slap in the face of everything* they were covering up during their abuse. We have to essentially re-learn how to live life again. How to cope with underlying mental illness, how to cope with triggers, how to live day to day without their former best friend.

I wish deep down I wasn't this way. I wish deep down the muffled voice subtly nagging at my brain would stop. I wish i knew better. I don't feel this hardcore temptation anymore. In the beginning, everything felt "unfair" and life kept throwing punches at me and I struggled to handle them. I blamed others for my addiction and carried around SO much anger. One day, it clicked. No one forced me to do anything. Only I was to blame. I was responsible and accountable for what happened to me, and only I was responsible for changing my behavior. It was hard. Most of the time, it felt virtually impossible to stop. If any addict could take a magic pill to end the cycle and to start their lives over, I'm betting some- if not most, would. This blog isn't a debate on whether or not addiction is a choice. I could sit here and debate with anyone all day on this subject. This entry is merely pointing out a basic and yet complex struggle one can face years and years down the line during their recovery. I look back and feel accomplished. I overcame something not everyone has the privilege to escape from. Being clean, I was able to rediscover myself, reevaluate goals, mend relationships, and lead a meaningful life. I found my soul-mate and have two amazing babies. My hope for anyone struggling with addiction is to overcome. Take advantage of any and all local resources and dig deep down to find the desire to want to stop. It might take you more than one attempt to get clean. In NA, they mention over and over to never feel like relapse isn't possible and that it "won't happen" to you. Because it is possible. It can happen at any given moment, and there is always a chance of giving in to the demons you have worked so hard to manage and control. Make the concious choice to NOT give in to the monster, no matter how tempting it could be. You are loved. You are worthy.

"Just for today, my thoughts will be on my recovery, living and enjoying life without the use of drugs. Just for today, I will have faith in someone in NA who believes in me and wants to help me in my recovery. Just for today, I will have a program. I will try to follow it to the best of my ability. Just for today, I will be unafraid. My thoughts will be on my new association's- people who are not using and have found a new way of life. So as long as I follow that way, I will have nothing to fear." (Narcotics Anonymous, text)

Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA)

1-800-662-4357

NA (Narcotics Anonymous)- find NA meetings and local resources for recovery.

http://m.na.org/

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