#i don’t use any social media but tumblr and i do not watch commercials ever

[starbuck]

my manager was trying to explain the “home depot music” to me today and i was like “what?” and she was like “from the commercials!” and i was like “i don’t WATCH commercials,” and i feel like getting to say that out loud was one of my greatest achievements.

[raven-of-domain-kwaad]

Get to know the blogger

Got tagged by @blitzindite for this one. Thanks Oliver!

I’ll give some no pressure tags to @starknstarwars, @swtorpadawan, @sleepswithvillains, @a-master-procrastinator @palepinkycat and anyone else that sees this and wants to give it a go.

1. Why did you choose your url?

I wanted to make a Star Wars blog and I also wanted to show that I was a big fan of the old pre-mouse EU. So I took my favorite EU character, Tahiri Veila, and played around with her experiences to make my url. During the New Jedi Order book series, Tahiri was experimented on by Yuuzhan Vong and an artificial personality, Riina of Domain Kwaad, was created in her mind. I simply replaced the name Riina with my own internet handle Raven and got Raven of Domain Kwaad.

2. Any sideblogs?

This is technically a sideblog actually.

Main is @the-raven-of-highever which is mainly Dragon Age stuff

I also have @ssv-raven which is a mess of Mass Effect, sci-fi, fantasy and other assorted nonsense

3. How long have you been on tumblr?

I think it was 2014 when I first got onto tumblr

4. Why did you originally start your blog?

Originally I made my main for the Assassin’s Creed fandom. Oh boy was I obsessed with AC. Fell hard in love with the Kenway family and Ratonhnhaké:ton / Connor in particular. I was sad when the tumblr fandom just sort of fizzled away and died after being such a fun and big group that I really liked.

5. Why did you choose your icon?

@palepinkycat gave me that incredible piece of my OC Amarra Kine for my birthday and I was immediately head over heels in love with how it looked. I just had to make it my icon so I could always admire it.

Love you Pinky! Thank you so so so much for the gift and all of your amazing artwork for the fandom!

6. Why did you choose your header?

That was another @palepinkycat piece actually and my very first commission. It is of my OC sisters Ryscha and Amarra Kine. They are the main focus of my SWTOR canon so I figured it was appropriate to put them up there as my header.

7. What is your post with the most notes?

This one which I made as a joke after the Echoes of Oblivion trailer came out. Just a silly bit about how Knights and Warriors must be very sick of the Emperor by that point.

8. How many mutuals do you have?

Not a clue. I know I have a number of SWTOR mutuals though

9. How many followers do you have?

115... now excuse me as I go and listen to the song of the same name from CoD Black Ops Zombies lol

10. How many blogs do you follow?

200 but a lot of those haven’t posted in years. Lots of old Assassin’s Creed, Overwatch and trans fem blogs that got lost or just stopped posting after the various fandoms died and the porn ban cracked down on people.

11. Have you ever made a shitpost?

Lol this is tumblr buddy. Of course I have

12. How many times do you use tumblr a day?

Uh... lots. Though in my defense it is my only form of social media. Never had a facebook, twitter or anything else and it is probably going to stay that way.

13. Have you ever fought another blog?

Nope. Is that a thing people do? It sounds exhausting.

14. How do you feel about “need to reblog” posts?

You know how after watching commercials you are filled with the desire to actively avoid the product being advertised? Yeah that is generally what happens to me with those “need to reblog” things. Like buddy I have come to tumblr to unplug from all the atrocities that are happening in the world. You telling me I need to focus on this makes me want to actively ignore it.

15. Do you like tag games?

I do! They are fun and I enjoy reading the answers that other people give.

16. Do you like ask games?

Definitely. I don’t always answer the asks in a timely manner but I do love writing about my OCs

17. Which of your mutuals do you think are tumblr famous?

Not a clue. Got some mutuals that seem to be well established and appreciated members of the SWTOR fandom but no one appears to be tumblr famous.

18. Do you have a crush on a mutual?

Funny story. My partner and I actually met because we were tumblr mutuals. We were both in the Mass Effect fandom and just started DMing each other about our OCs. Started playing Mass Effect 3 online matches together and eventually decided to try out a long distant relationship. It worked and we’ve been living together for five ish years now.

Don’t currently have any crushes on any mutuals but my partner and I are poly so who knows what may happen in the future lol

[lilydalexf]

Old School X is a project interviewing X-Files fanfic authors who were posting fic during the original run of the show. New interviews are posted every Tuesday.

Interview with MustangSally

MustangSally has 33 stories at Gossamer. Even if you haven’t read it, you’ve probably heard of at least one of them, Iolokus, since it’s an X-Files fanfic classic. All her fics hit big and are well worth your time. I’ve recced some of my favorites here before, including And Dance by the Light of the Moon, All the Children are Insane, and Iolokus. Big thanks to MustangSally for doing this interview.

What's the story behind your pen name?

I could tell you but then I would have to kill you.

Does it surprise you that people are still interested in reading your X-Files fanfics and others that were posted during the original run of the show (1993-2002)?

Yes and no. Yes, because life has moved on since the early nineties and the characters and the fans are in vastly different places now. Our current tech would make the premise of the X-Files impossible. No, because of the longevity of some of the Star Trek TOS work (there’s an archive of hard copy fanzines at the University of Iowa). Top-drawer authors started out in TOS fandom.

I’m just greatly saddened that my physical body is showing wear and tear while the fic doesn’t. Fic gets to stay smooth-skinned and muscular, captured at the peak of perfection.

What do you think of when you think about your X-Files fandom experience? What did you take away from it?

At the risk of sounding atrociously trite, I think of the friends I made.  I met some very remarkable women that I’ve been able to stay friends with online for over twenty-five years.  We may have moved to Facebook and post entirely too much about our pets and which of our body parts has sagged this week, but we’re friends.  It’s a furiously funny, feminist, and well-educated group of women with jobs in the highest levels of academia, finance, communications, and media.  I’m amused by the fact that if I have a question about how a virus replicates, I can ask a PhD I’ve been drunk with in Las Vegas.

Back in the day, I had a job that sent me traveling around major cities in the US and UK. I could post on a message board and within ten minutes there were people I could go out for dinner and drinks with. We already knew we had something we could talk about for at least a couple of hours. Additionally, most of these people were women so there was an added level of security. Social media didn't really exist during the show's original run. How were you most involved with the X-Files online (atxc, message board, email mailing list, etc.)?

Well, it was mostly atxc and the Yahoo! groups mailing lists that spiraled out into Geocities sites and, eventually, LiveJournal. The amusing thing is that getting in on the ground floor of social media and the Internet has helped me get jobs!  When I look at a new piece of software, I think, ‘this is hella easier than uploading to Geocities.’  We had to walk uphill both ways, in the snow, on dial-up, fighting off dinosaurs with our AOL CDs while writing HTML code. What did you take away from your experience with X-Files fic or with the fandom in general?

DO NOT FEED THE TROLLS.

The past four years in politics have basically been the ugliest online kerfuffle the world has ever seen. I survived the Shipper Wars of ’96 and I thought those were brutal, but that was NOTHING. The only way to win an argument online is to not have the argument at all. Arguing with a troll is like mudwrestling a pig: You both get filthy and only the pig is happy.

Also, READ THE FUCKING TERMS OF SERVICE.

What was it that got you hooked on the X-Files as a show?

I had the most terrible straight-girl crush on Scully. I wanted to be her best friend, I wanted to BE her.  I wanted to order Chinese food and paint each other’s nails and talk about bones.  Scully and Princess Leia and I could all just hang out poolside with hot and cold running waiters and poolboys, drink margaritas, and bitch about how unfair it all was – if the stupid men would just get OUT OF THE WAY AND LET US DO OUR JOBS, the world would be so much better. What got you involved with X-Files fanfic?

This question is really about Iolokus, isn’t it?  You can’t fool me. [Lilydale note: I can neither confirm nor deny the motivation for this question, but I cannot complain about the answer.]

Simply put, I was enraged. The moment it was revealed that Scully’s ova had been used in experimentation, I lost my feminist mind. It was the most obscene defilement imaginable.  Scully wasn’t nearly as angry as I was.  What I thought needed to happen was for Scully to become a fiery force of vengeance against the MEN who had done this to her.  Clearly, I was not going to get that level of satisfaction from the show, as I was imagining Kali-like carnage on a global scale. I emailed RivkaT (whom I did not know well at that point) with a proposition that we work together. Strangely enough, we didn’t meet face to face until we were well into the project, but we did talk on the phone quite a bit. The rules were simple – everyone had to be punished in truly horrific ways, and at some point, we had to see if we could write a car chase (only because that seemed impossible).  Then it basically turned into a very twisted game of chicken to see who could be the most outrageous in terms of killing people off or writing really horrific things that fit within the structure of the narrative.  I did, in the end, write the car chase, but RivkaT one-upped me by throwing in a helicopter (a FOX News helicopter, at that).  

Really, RivkaT?  A helicopter? What is your relationship like now to X-Files fandom? I am terribly proud of what I wrote, pleased that it brought pain and pleasure in equal amount to people, and, again, thrilled by the people I became friends with. I admit that I stopped watching the show when Scully announced her pregnancy.  I could only see a long jump over a shark tank for the rest of the series. I haven’t watched the new episodes, either.  It is complete in my mind and doesn’t need to be continued.  I wouldn’t say no to having a reunion with some of my fic friends, although we’re still chatting online like everyone does.   Were you involved with any fandoms after the X-Files? If so, what was it like compared to X-Files?

Rivka and I wrote in the Buffy fandom for a few years, but then we moved on to real adult jobs that left absolutely no time for me to write. I’m in education, and I regularly sweat blood for fear that someone is going to find my old fic. The Buffy people were fun; there was a certain *shininess* to them that I really enjoyed. The X-men authors were just batshit and delightful, and some amazing stuff came out of Marvel fandom, particularly in the Thor/Loki and Steve/Bucky subgenres. I’ve learned to appreciate a good coffee shop AU and one famous Erik/Charles fic where all the main characters are crabs. Seriously, crabs—it’s hysterical. [Lilydale note: Other Crabs Cannot Be Trusted by groovyphilia currently has almost 2,500 kudos at AO3.]

Every few years, I’ll have a student try to explain to me what fandom is and I just smirk. Do you ever still watch The X-Files or think about Mulder and Scully? No. Not really. Do you ever still read X-Files fic? Fic in another fandom? I fell into an X-Men hole a few years back and had a great old time wallowing in the Cherik muck, and there was a flirtation with BBC Sherlock as well. Strangely enough, I became interested in A/B/O fics only because of what they were saying about the role of women in our society. The limitations on the male omegas seem absurd and then you realize those are the same limitations put on women all. the. time.

Is there a place online (tumblr, twitter, AO3, etc.) where people can find you and/or your stories now?

RivkaT very nicely formatted everything and put it up on AO3. What is your favorite of your own fics, X-Files and/or otherwise?

I will always be stupidly proud of how shocked and horrified people were by Iolokus. The truth of the matter is that Iolokus has Greek drama at its core. Scully is Medea, and the entire story is lousy with “blood on the threshing floor” and Dionysian rites. The everyday is subverted into horror, and wives and daughters will tear men limb from limb like the Maenads. Since I was ultimately disappointed with what Chris Carter did with the entire show, that approach seemed appropriate.

At a certain level, all fic is corrective fic.  Like critic Anne Jamison said, “Irritated fans produce fanfic like irritated oysters produce pearls.”  And because fic has fallen so much into women’s sphere, a pure form of correction is not just the death of the author but the MURDER, a new creation springing up from the spilled blood like Cadmus sowing dragon’s teeth.

Okay, that’s a bit much. Maybe I should just take myself back to the isle of Goth Amazons or something. Do you still write fic now? Or other creative work?

I had to write a self-evaluation and a reflection on pedagogy today. If that’s not fiction, I don’t know what the fuck is.

All my creativity is caught up in trying to pretend to be a normal middle-aged white woman so no one knows I am really a lizard.

Is there anything else you'd like to share with fans of X-Files fic?

Keep writing, keep reading, keep fighting the commercialization of narratives. As things grow more and more commodified, all our dreams and desires reduced to tchotchkes made in China, it’s a revolutionary act to separate your work from the marketplace. Be bold, take chances, turn the trope on its ear and kick it in the ass. Take everything the creators have done to make a work palatable to the unwashed masses and set it on fire.

Be subversive.

Be mean.

Have a great fucking time.

(Posted by Lilydale on March 2, 2021)

[serendipitous-magic]

Why Don’t We Read: An Impromptu Essay By Me Because I’m Mad

You know how everyone is always saying “oh, I was such a big reader when I was a kid but I just don’t read books anymore, I don’t know what happened”? And how old people are always griping about “This is called a BOOK, it has no commercials and no loading screens, hardy har har har snorf har”?

What if it’s because we just don’t have time anymore?

Think about it. More and more and more of our time on earth is eaten up at our jobs just trying to survive in an economy where “minimum wage��� covers maybe 1/3 of bare minimum expenses. And not only that, but we’re expected to juggle more and more and more things every single day. Long, uninterrupted hours simply... do not exist anymore.

Every day you have to not only commute to work, and then work, and then commute back, plus all the little chores and mundanities that make up every day life, cooking food and then eating food and folding laundry and cleaning and putting gas in the car and don’t forget that dentist appointment and better call Mom and if you have a lawn you have to water it and weed it and you have to figure out if you have enough to pay rent this month and you still have to call FedEx about that missing package and now you have to cook again and now there’s more laundry and so many emails to respond to and it’s been months since you washed your sheets hasn’t it and

BUT THEN

You are expected to do and be and keep up with so many things.

You’re supposed to work out, or jog, or do yoga, and you’re supposed to meditate or do a breathing exercise daily because it’s good for you, and while you’re at it, make sure that your living space looks like a magazine or an Instagram post, you need X minutes of sunshine a day to be healthy and Y minutes of exercise and Z number of steps, and you need to be an environmentalist and make sure you’re doing your part to save the planet, and you need to be constantly self improving, you need to be learning a language on Duolingo and doing projects like crocheting or writing or antiquing, you have to be completely unproblematic and constantly monitor everything you do and say and post because one tiny little thing can have the internet jumping down your throat, you’re supposed to be a nutritionist and a fitness nut and an expert on everything you talk about because society has become so black and white that saying “I don’t know” or “I didn’t know that before” is looked on as unacceptable,  you’re supposed to know what’s in your coffee and where it came from, you’re supposed to be a son a daughter a sibling a parent a student a mentor but also you’re supposed to be an interior designer, a small business owner (if you do any kind of Etsy or commission thing), a revolutionary (you’d better care about every overwhelming, exhausting injustice in the world and you’d better take action against it - see below), a curator (if only of your own blog), a rhetor (you’d better damn well know how to argue or you’re screwed in this society), a teacher (because school districts don’t teach anyone shit), a negotiation expert because it is car salesmen and insurance agencies’ job to fuck you over as hard as they possibly can.

Oh and don’t forget, you’re supposed to simplify your life and live in the moment. That one’s very important.

All of this is most likely while you’re already working anywhere from 20-40+ hours per week.

Keep up with your friends on Facebook, spend time to see what they’ve been up to, spend time posting your own pictures, catch up with your Instagram and Twitter and Tumblr feed, and for fuck’s sake you’d better make sure you’re reblogging all the right things about current social events, and you’d better also be caught up on the news, which all happens and changes so fast now that communication is instantaneous, keep up with all the politics, know every new outrage and be outraged about it, keep up with the politicians, the scientists begging us to listen, the latest news about the celebrity outed as a bigot, the latest shooting, the latest bombing, the latest protest, you’d better keep up with all of that and know what’s happening in the world, every minute of every day, and oh don’t worry about having to seek the news out, it comes to you. Every little ping on your phone is a new piece of news.

And you’d better care about it all. You’d better have enough energy in your body and mind to care about all the politics and all the injustice, and be rightly outraged every single day by the state of the world and every new horror, but you’d better also care about the dying planet and the burning rainforests, the oil spill, the glacial melt, you’d better be outraged about that too and you’d better be able to act on that outrage because those are all so important, and they are, but then you also have to care about insurance companies ruining people’s lives by making it impossible to afford healthcare, and you have to care about how agricultural companies have made cruel and byzantine webs of laws to drive farms out of business and make food, a basic necessity of life, a business, and one that’s designed not to feed and nurture people but to make money. And then while we’re on the topic of money you’d better care that the top 10 richest companies in the world create 70% of the world’s pollution, and you’d better care about how billionaires could fix most of the world’s biggest problems and they simply choose not to, and how Elon Musk and Jeff Bezos and everyone like them have an amount of money and resources that no single person could ever come close to earning, and how if that wealth was fairly redistributed and recirculated into the economy then maybe minimum wage would actually earn you a living and that’s not even to mention the other systems of brutality and cruelty and injustice in society, the racism, the homophobia, the ableism, the ageism, the sexism, the -ism -ism -ism on for infinity

So you’d better buy and use reusable straws and reusable coffee cups, you’d better cut down on your CO2 emissions, you’d better take shorter showers, you’d better recycle your plastics and spend time at the store thinking about how you can buy things with less plastic wrapping, while you’re also thinking about those big agriculture companies, oh and by the way your eggs? The chickens they came from live in cages, barely being allowed to move for their entire lives, and you’d better be outraged about that too. Where do you think that milk came from? What does that cow look like? How about those peas, were they picked by someone being paid $1 an hour? Every single item on the shelf has some deep horror woven into its backstory. 

You’d better sign every petition you can and you’d better reblog the right things about taking action against injustice and you’d better be vocal about it, you’d better buy your soap and your clothes from small businesses instead of supporting the big evil ones that are much easier to access and much, much cheaper (because somebody suffered, somewhere along the line, to make it that cheap), you’d better remember to save your pasta water to water your plants with instead of wasting it, you’d better make your gifts by hand (if you have the time, which you don’t), and 

And then there’s the beauty industry.

You cannot go a single day without seeing something about “lose weight fast!” or “The Skinny Girl Cookbook!” or “This Weird Thing Burns Belly Fat!”, and everyone you see on screen is twig-thin or muscled, and don’t forget that you’re supposed to take the time to love yourself and practice body positivity too, oh wait no it’s too late, now body neutrality is the right thing to say and think. Every part of your face and body has some malady and you can buy a cure! Spend this much to get rid of acne, spend this much to wax your legs, buy this for wrinkles and that for stretch marks, this cream smooths out your skin to look like an eggshell instead of human flesh, that cream “fixes” those bumps on your arms that apparently aren’t allowed to exist, a basic face of makeup is at least 5 products if not 10, there are countless tutorials on how to make yourself better, because you aren’t okay as you are and you never will be as long as somebody can sell  you something to “fix” yourself. 

Oh, and that’s more time spent, too. Take the time to shave, to moisturize, to do your 3-step skincare routine, to slather all different kinds of goops and goos on various parts of you, take the time to pluck your eyebrows and exfoliate your feet and

Everything wants your attention, every second of every day. Because attention is money. Netflix Hulu Youtube watch this ad look at this ad Twitter Disney+ Twitter again Facebook more ads look at this ad sign up for this subscription package watch this new season of this show, watch this new movie, watch this watch this watch this watch look at this this watch this watch this look at this look at this look at this watch this watch this watch this watch this watch this watch this watch this watch this watch this watch this watch this watch this watch this watch this watch this watch this watch this watch this look over here look at this look at this look over here watch this watch this watch this watch this watch this watch this watch this watch this watch this watch this look at this

And then at the end of the day you still have to reserve time for the people in your life that are important to you, and leave time for those long conversations with your sister or time to bond with your kid or time to go on dates with your S.O.

And then you’re supposed to take time for yourself. Self care. Like social media is always saying to do. Take a bath, drink some tea, relax. If you have time.

And all of that. ALL of that. Most likely happens in the small slivers of time before and after your work day, or on the weekend in the small sliver of time before or after you fold that laundry and cook dinner and attend to your personal matters and maybe hang out with a friend if you’re lucky.

And I just described a fairly privileged, not-on-the-brink-of-poverty, not-in-and-out-of-the-hospital, not-constantly-targeted-by-violence-or-oppression life. I just described a cushy life.

Is it any fucking wonder that we all feel shattered? Like our time, even on free days with absolutely nothing scheduled, is made up of tiny pieces? Is it any wonder that it seems like nobody can sit down with a book anymore?

I’m so fucking tired.

[thtdamfangirl4]

Saying Goodbye to The Good Place

Tonight I watched one of my favorite shows in history end. I watched it live with freaking commercials and I tuned out the rest of the world. And I cried my eyes out so many times. And I don’t know how well I can explain that, or how exactly to put into words what this show has meant to me, but I’m going to cry.

I started watching this show when season 2 came on Netflix. I had heard good things about it online and a friend or two had watched it, so I decided to give it a try. (I had watched the first, like, 2 episodes months before but hadn’t kept going or given it a real chance.) I found myself completely hooked. I watched the first season in two days and had finished everything the show had to offer by the end of the week, diving into tumblr accounts, twitter threads, the cast’s social media pages. None of that is uncommon for me when I first become obsessed with a show.

But The Good Place was uncommon. It was unlike anything I’d ever seen, and remains so to this day. It had fabulous humor in many facets, from Jason’s lovable idiocy to Chidi’s relatable indecision to Eleanor’s perfectly captured selfishness to Tahani’s name-dropping to Janet’s cacti to Michael’s comments about humans and the dynamics between them all and so much more. And the show, the writers, balanced all of that with so much heart. With Eleanor’s drive to be better. With Chidi’s ever-present willingness to help. With Jason’s unexpected and loving wise advice. With Tahani’s desire to be loved. With Michael’s growing understanding of humans and our lives. With Janet’s evolution and coming to understand what it means to feel and to love. And it was absolutely beautiful to watch these characters go through whatever they might go through in a given episode. I would watch this balance of perfectly imperfect in any situation you put on my screen.

But the writers and creators put them in a situation I’d never imagined would be on TV: discovering morality and spirituality in the afterlife. These characters navigated dilemmas we all face in our everyday lives. They made jokes and went through ridiculous scenarios and reboots and they messed up and tried time and time again, and through it all, we the viewers were learning. To be good. To be better. Maybe not necessarily by copying these characters, and certainly not their lives on earth, but by inspiring us to think about these questions and the implications of our lives. This show was a lovely escape from reality for 22 minutes until the picture faded and I found myself contemplating the things Chidi’s ethics class had tackled that week, or thinking about my own actions, what my version of the good place would be. All in all, this show made me think about the kind of person I want to be. And it actually made me a better person.

I think a lot about the little speeches made on this show, which have been anything but little to me. (Don’t get me started on Chidi’s wave speech I’ll be crying about it every day forever.) And I find myself thinking about what Michael says to Bad Janet almost every day. That what matters is that we try to be a little better today than we were yesterday. That that’s where hope for humanity lies. And that thought, that simple thought which should not boggle the mind of any decent human being, is groundbreaking. Because these simple and profound truths about the universe and humanity were nestled in every single episode of the good place, right there between jokes about Jason’s dance crew and Janet’s void. And they found their way into our lives, and I know that even just watching this show once a week was one of the things that made me a better person that day. Which is why I’m so grateful to this show.

Eleanor taught me that it’s okay to make mistakes. That being a little trashy is always fun as long as you have a good heart. And she and Chidi taught me that love is out there. That soulmates are something you make, not something you find, and that even if you can’t understand why at first, people who love you are going to come into your life and the real ones won’t disappear. She taught me that the walls have to come down someday, and that when they do, the view is so much better. Most importantly, she taught me that nothing is ever set in stone. That people can change and get better and learn to love and care and be loved and cared for.

Chidi taught me that the little things can’t hold me back. I felt seen by his (albeit, exaggerated) indecision and anxiety. But he grew throughout this show and through his journey, I learned to move aside the little struggles to make room for the big joys. I learned that helping someone is always worth my time, because even if I never see them again, or I never get thanked, I’m putting a little more good into the world. And he would always do that. He taught me that it’s okay to come into your own and stand up for yourself and what you believe in. He and Eleanor taught me that there’s always someone out there who has your back, and that love means putting someone else first. I especially saw that in the finale.

Tahani taught me that it’s okay to know who I am. That confidence is something each person deserves to feel. She taught me that there’s nothing wrong with wanting to be loved, as long as you remind yourself that it doesn’t determine your worth. She taught me that mistakes are a tool for learning, but they can’t be used if we pretend we didn’t make them. She taught me that it’s okay to be a little frivolous when frivolity brings you joy. She taught me that spite can be a great motivator, but the results are much more fruitful and enjoyable when you do things for other people.

Jason taught me that I don’t have to have all the answers. That there’s more to life than numbers and books and school and all the things that give a college student looking at the future anxiety. He taught me that it’s love that matters, and doing the things that bring you joy. He taught me that people are not always what they appear to be at first glance, and that everyone has something worthwhile to say. He taught me that words don’t have to be fancy or eloquent to be poignant and meaningful. He taught me that embracing who you are and what/who you love is what makes a person happy.

Janet taught me that knowledge isn’t everything. She reinforced the idea that emotions are not inferior or contrary to facts and knowledge, but rather something even deeper and more meaningful than trivia or information that could come from google. She taught me that life is a complicated mess full of millions of questions, and there are some that cannot be answered. She taught me that you love who you love, even if it’s unexpected, and there is zero shame in that. And she taught me that one of the noblest pursuits in the world is that of making people happy, especially the people you love.

Michael taught me that humans are complex, and sometimes they kind of suck, but they are still worth loving. He proved that people are not all good or all bad. He taught me that what matters is trying to be good and kind and honest and loving. He taught me not to give up on what I know is right. He taught me that it’s okay to change your mind when you learn new things, and that it’s more than okay to decide to do what’s right at any stage in the game. He taught me that people are worth believing in. He taught me that being wrong can be one of the most rewarding things in the world. And he taught me that the human life we have is a gift.

Together, these characters taught me that we are all capable of changing and improving. They taught me that it’s okay to be who you are, even if a lot of things change. You can still be loved for all of your little quirks and flaws and habits. You are worthy of being loved even if you aren’t the best version of you yet. And they taught me that we can all get there eventually. More than anything, they taught me that the love we have for each other, the bonds we build with the people in our lives, the friends, the family, the significant others, everyone, is what makes us human and what makes us whole. It drives us to be better and to make others happy. It supports us and holds us as we grow together.

So I just want to say thank you. To Michael Shur for creating this show and its characters. To the writers for making me fall in love with these people and stories. To Kristen Bell and Ted Danson and William Jackson Harper and Jameela Jamil and Manny Jacinto and D’Arcy Carden for bringing these characters to life and making them into people that I will never be able to let go of. To anyone involved with this beautiful show that I have enjoyed through the very end. Thank you for giving me a reason to laugh, cry, contemplate, and feel content with a show that was groundbreaking and stunning and hilarious and heartwarming with thousands of good moments and a perfect ending. These characters will always be a part of my heart, and I will always try to be a little better tomorrow than I was today because of them. Thank you, and goodbye to new episodes. I have a feeling I’ll be watching all the ones which are now old time and time again.

[lovemesomesurveys]

Do you sit on the couch or the floor? I’d definitely choose the couch over the floor. 

How many different colleges have you gone to? Two-- a community college and a UC. How much stress can you handle? It doesn’t take much at all before I get overwhelmed.

What is something you have to do before you go to sleep every night? I like to listen to ASMR. 

How confident are you in achieving your dreams? Sigh. I’m a mess. I don’t even really have any dreams I want to achieve right now. I don’t have the motivation or the energy. I don’t have any confidence in myself. I really need to get my shit together.

What is one thing you thought you’d never do but have done or are doing? I didn’t think I’d end up like this. I didn’t have a definite plan with what I wanted to do after college, but I can assure you this wasn’t it.

Have you ever disowned a friend or family member for their beliefs? No.

At what point in your life do you think you will be truly happy? I don’t know. :(

Do you ever make pictures or shapes out of the markings in the ceiling? I did that as a kid sometimes.

Do you ever feel like your life is too boring or predictable? It most definitely is.

Do you really think money will buy your, or anyone else’s, happiness? It can certainly help. I think it could bring some happiness, like happy moments and things that bring joy, but it wouldn’t cure my depression and the other stuff I’m dealing with. It wouldn’t just go away. At the end of the day, I’d still be left with those things. The thoughts and feelings would still be there. Those feelings and thoughts hit me in the middle of doing something I like or if I’m having a good time now and I don’t see that changing if I became financially better off. 

Is shopping a form of therapy for you? No.

Do you have to take medication for any mental illness? I’m not currently taking anything for it.

Do you believe it is possible for someone to change? Yes, of course. 

What is your favorite food to snack on when watching t.v.? I’m not a big snacker, but lately I have been into sourdough bread and spinach and artichoke dip.

Do you like looking at pictures? Yeah.

Have you ever set 2 people up and it actually worked out? It did for a little while.

Are you good at persuading? Uhh. Depends.

How do you feel about tattoos and piercings? I’m not super into them for myself, but I think they can be cool.

Do you care what people think? Yes and no. Not as much as I used to. I wish it was because I’m now this happy and confident person, but no. 

How many dirty looks have you received today? None.

If a loved one who’d died showed up at your door, what would you do? Uh, I’d be scared and freaked out to say the least and extremely confused. I honestly don’t know what I would do or say. I think it’d be a roller coaster of emotions. If it really were them then I’d be overwhelmed and cry and want to hug them and talk to them and omg I’d be a mess. It would feel so surreal. I’d also have a lot of questions.

Do you believe the dead can have connections with the living? I like to believe they give us little signs.

How many times have you looked at a picture and wished you were there? Many times.

And your name is? Stephanie.

How do you like your coffee? With flavored creamer or cream and sugar.

Do you have a job? If so, what do you do? No.

If unemployed, what do you do to keep yourself busy? My days consist of rest, social media, TV, YouTube, Tumblr, reading, playing Animal Crossing, surveys, and spending time with family.

Top 3 favorite foods, go: Wingstop’s garlic parm and lemon pepper boneless wings, ramen, and breakfast sandwiches.

What does the person who texted you last mean to you? My mom means everything to me.

How do you feel about polyamory? Not something I would be okay with.

When did you last have sex? Was it good? Never.

Which apps on your phone do you use the most? YouTube, Twitter, Facebook, TikTok, and Kindle.

Do you go through phases when it comes to music genres, or are you pretty consistent in what you listen to? I’m consistent. 

Does death scare you? Yes.

If you could change one thing about your life, what would it be? I’d have good health, mentally and physically.

Which family member do you get along with the most? My mom and brother..

Do you like horror movies? Why or why not? Yesss. 

Do you play video games? If so, what are some of your favorites? I’ve been playing Animal Crossing: New Horizons for the past year.

How often do you eat fast food? Quite often.

Do you like sushi? Nooo.

Would you ever be able to become a vegan? No.

How often do you drink alcohol? I don’t. I haven’t drank going on 8 years now.

What was your favorite toy as a child? I was obsessed with Barbies.

Who was your first best friend? What is your favorite memory of/with them? Are you two still friends? These two girls, Crystal and Starr, in preschool. I remember they came to my birthday party at Chuck E Cheese; that was fun. No, we lost touch after preschool. 

If you could see anyone in concert, living or dead, who would it be? I wish I could have seen Linkin Park with Chester. :(

If you were to get married, would you rather have a big extravagant wedding or a small private affair? Explain your answer. I don’t plan on getting married. I really just don’t see it in the cards for me.

Do you want kids? Why or why not? No.

How did you meet your newest friend? I don’t have any friends.

Have you ever watched the show Teen Mom? What did you think about it? Yeah, I watch Teen Mom OG and Teen Mom 2.

Are you old enough to remember MySpace? Yeah, of course. I’m old.

Where is the boy you want most? There isn’t one.

Where will you be 2 hours from now? Right here.

How old is the last person you kissed? He just turned 30.

Who was the last person of the opposite sex to text you? My brother.

Can you make yourself sneeze? No. Tilting my head back and looking at a bright light doesn’t seem to work for me.

What is your current mood? Blah.

What are you doing tomorrow? Same stuff, different day.

Who was the last person to sleep in your bed besides yourself? I’m the only one.

Do you think you would make a good boyfriend/girlfriend? Not at this time, no.

Where were you at 9am this morning? I was in bed, asleep.

Whose bedroom were you in last? I’m in mine. Do you think you’ll be a good mother/father? I don’t want to have kids.

Do you talk to the person you like everyday? I’m not interested in anyone right now.

Do you have trouble deleting your text messages? I’ve never had a reason to delete them.

Is there something that you haven’t told anyone that you actually would like to tell someone? Ehhhh.

Would you rather rent or buy movies? I like watching them through a streaming service.

What is the best part of your own body? Nothing.

Would you rather watch a full season of American Idol, or So You Think You Can Dance? American Idol, I guess.

Do you like to take walks? No.

Have you ever gone anywhere for spring break? Yeah, my former best friend and I took a few small trips.

Do you worry a lot? Yeppp.

Would you rather have big or small dogs? Medium dog.

Do you mind being cold? I much prefer it to being hot. I like wrapping up in a blanket or lounging around in a sweatshirt or drinking a warm drink.

What is your favorite sports drink? I don’t drink any sports drinks.

Do you keep a diary or journal (offline or online)? This is it.

What is your favorite candy? White chocolate.

Do you document everything in pictures? Not everything, but I do like taking pictures of things I want to remember and having those memories.

Have you ever waited for something for so long and then had it snatched from right underneath you when it seemed so close to grasp? Yes.

Choose one: being able to teleport yourself anywhere in the world at any given time or being able to fly? Teleport, hands down.

Do you feel more comfortable in public wearing jeans or sweatpants? I’m a leggings gal.

What is something that most people wouldn’t know about you from simply looking at you? I take surveys. <<< Ha, true.

Do you fear growing older? Yes.

Have you ever been called a tease? Yes and I was like wtf? I wasn’t the one leading them on or playing with their emotions like they were. 

Is there something that reminds you of someone every time you see or hear it? Yeah, many things like that with different people.

Do you trust all of your friends? I don’t have any friends.

Does The X-Files theme song give you the goosebumps? It did when I was a kid.

Have you ever taken the batteries out of a Ferbie only to have it come alive in the middle of the night? Omg, that did happen once! Those things were freaky.

Don't you find those black cat clocks with the moving eyes and tail just a little creepy? lol yeah they kinda are.

When things get bad, are you more likely to blame yourself or somebody else? Myself. 

Are most of your friends' biological parents married or divorced? Do you remember those commercials that scared kids into not playing around railroad tracks? No?

Do you ever wish your life was a sitcom, just so all your problems could be solved in thirty minutes? That would be nice.

Have you ever noticed how different everybody's 1st, 2nd, and 3rd bases are? I feel like it’s the same general idea.

Do you tend to set yourself up for disappointment? I’m always expecting the worst case scenarios, so.

Would you ever call a guy back and say, "Oh, sorry. I was taking a hot shower"? No.

Who do you get most of relationship advice from: guys or girls? I used to get it from both. Although, oddly, I was the one people came to for relationship more often and I had none.

Have you ever put your all into someone and got nothing back? Yes.

Do you think that you, personally, have been more shaped by experiences or by people? Experiences.

Do people ever make fun of your religion or lack thereof? Not to me, personally, but yes people do make fun of Christianity.

Have you ever put the television on mute and tried dubbing in new dialogue? No.

Do you say/do things a lot for shock effect? No.

If you were in an iPod commercial, what would you want your background color to be? They don’t make those commercials anymore, but rose gold.

What was the last compliment you gave a guy? I don't know.

Do you usually follow your head, instincts, or heart more? They all play a role, it just depends. I suppose my emotions do probably play a bigger role.

Where do you spend most of your waking time at home? In my room.

Does your jaw ever crack, pop, or lock? It pops sometimes.

With just your life, are you more optimistic, realistic, or pessimistic? Definitely pessimistic.

Is it hard for you to ask for help? Yes.

Have you ever thought of how you would give your kids "the talk"? No. I don’t want to have kids.

Do you ever feel like you're missing out on something? Yeah, life.

Is your high school ANYTHING like the ones in the movies? My high school experience was nothing like that, but I feared it would be going in. Movies never paint high school in a good light.

Are you going to be totally screwed if pigs start flying tomorrow? I don’t recall ever really saying I’d do something if pigs fly or anything like that. I don’t think...

Have you ever finished taking a shower and realize that there are no dry towels? I always grab a towel beforehand.

Do you love listening to sad piano solos? Sometimes.

Was one of your grandpas in a war? My paternal grandpa was.

Did you ever actually try to find the end of a rainbow? As a kid, I’m sure.

Are you afraid of jinxing things? Sometimes. 

Do you ever write/draw on windows that are fogged up? I did that as a kid.

If you were married, and your spouse's parents became ill, would you let them move into your home? I’m very close with my family so I would certainly understand and would want to do what we could to help. 

Have you screamed in a pillow before? For sure.

If a guy put his jacket on a puddle for you, would you actually walk on it or just look at him like he was crazy? lol aww I would be like you really didn’t have to do that now your jacket is all wet and dirty. We can just go around. I’m in a wheelchair, so that wouldn’t do much good anyway lol.

Would any of your friends dress up like a cow for a free chicken sandwich from Chikfila?

What do you like more, acoustic or electric? Acoustic.

Have you ever ordered something off a commercial on television? Nope.

What do you notice more, somebody's eyes or smile? Smile.

Did you actually have a cookie jar? We did when I was little.

Have you ever put on a shirt that came straight out of the dryer? Yessss. I love that.

Sometimes, does it feel like your life isn't going anywhere? That’s exactly how I’ve felt these past few years.

You've reach a fork in the road, do you go left or right? Hm. Right.

Do you ignore people when you're mad/upset with them? Not flat out ignore, but I become distant and short. I don’t initiate conversation with them.

What's worse, having someone mad or disappointed in you? Disappointed, definitely.

Have you ever gotten up early the next morning to do homework or study? Yes, but I usually just stayed up late and finished instead. I didn’t want to risk waking up late or running out of time and stressing about it.

Do you still consider Pluto a planet? I always still include it. 

Right now, are you at a high, leveled, or low point? “And I’m at an all time low low low low low low low....”

When things go from bad to worse, have you ever been afraid of what kind of person you would be when it was all over? These past few years have made be become someone I absolutely do not want to be. :/

Do you honestly believe that good things come to those who wait? It can for some. Sometimes it seems like people are really just handed stuff with minimal to no effort, but generally speaking you have to work at it. I don’t think you can just sit around waiting, you have to get up and do it. And that’s something I need to do. I go on about how each year nothing changes and I’m worried about wasting away and doing nothing with my life, but I am doing anything to try and change that? Am I taking any steps? 

What do you bite on more, your tongue, lip, or nails? I’m always biting my lips. I pick at my nails constantly, but I don’t bite them.

Have you ever wanted to fast forward your life so you could see if it was worth it? Sometimes, but I’d be afraid to actually do that if given the chance.

Do you think that knowing when and how you're going to die would ruin your life? I really don’t want to know.

Did you ever feel bad for Tom and Sylvester? Jerry and Tweety did often tease and provoke. You can’t help but feel kinda bad for Tom and Sylvester sometimes. 

[purplesurveys]

710

Have you ever done drugs and were able to quit for good? I’ve done milder drugs, like caffeine and nicotine... I don’t have like a dependence issue on them so it’s nothing I have to ‘quit.’ Are you against weed, or do you think it should be legalized? I honestly don’t know much about them since they’re normally shunned in our culture and is barely talked about/explored. I’ve heard they have medicinal purposes though and I’m finding it hard to find excuses as to why it can’t be legalized for that reason. Have you ever been taken advantage of while drunk? No. Is there any medication you refuse to take? (Like for ADHD, etc.) No, and I’m not familiar with the types of medication either. Ever watched an Above the Influence commercial under the influence? I haven’t. We don’t have commercials like that.

Have you ever or do you have an abusive significant other? Nope, just abusive family members. Are your parents too involved in your life, or do you feel forgotten? Uhh I get the feeling they want to be more involved partly because they’ve realized I’m getting older and it’s only a matter of time before I live my life on my own, so they’ll sometimes drop hints like wishing they got to know more about my love life, mental health, etc. But because we’ve been emotionally distant my whole life, it’s hard for me to open up at all so I refuse or get reluctant whenever they ask. How do you feel when it comes to love? Well I mean these days and for the last few years I’ve been optimistic about it. It’s been a while since I haven’t had a significant person that my life revolves around so my perspective is pretty biased, though. Do rainy, cloudy days affect your mood? They make me feel better. I thrive in bleak weather, and I absolutely hate sunny, humid days. Have you ever wished you could just move away and start over? No. I’m still pretty young so there’s still opportunities for me to do exactly this once I graduate. For the meantime I go through a bunch of shit, make mistakes, and learn from them so that I know better once I have to be an Adult. Are you impulsive, or do you overthink? I’m both. I overthink on my downtime but am impulsive when I feel pressured.

Are you or have you ever been addicted to any substance? No. Do you think beauty goes more than skin deep? Duh. It’s 2020, I think we’ve covered that a million times now. Do you remember your first date? How was it? My legit first date was at a nearby mall and we only had enough to afford Bonchon for lunch. We had just graduated high school so there wasn’t any reason for our parents to give us allowance anymore so we just relied on whatever we had saved in the last few days of school, which wasn’t a lot. But it was our first date after getting back together so we were simply happy spending time together in that simple date. Have you gotten caught in a HUGE lie to your parents? No, I’ve never gotten in trouble specifically for lying because I hate doing that to begin with. I’ve been in deep shit for other stuff, like getting caught cursing on social media when I was 10 or failing a test/class. Are your relationships unstable, or do you manage to keep friends a while? They’re mostly stable and I have friends I’ve kept for a very long time, but I tend to be very particular about actions. That means to say when someone does something I have on my blacklist (like breaking my trust or making fun of me directly) I’ll have no problem cutting them off in seconds, which some have been confused by cos it’s not really that common to do something so abruptly. Don't you hate when people have the nicest parents & treat them like shit? Yeah of course. Why wouldn’t that piss me off? Are your moods stable or do you never know how you're gonna feel? They’re stable for the most part. I can tell when my mood is about to shift and even then I have ample time to adjust for it and warn others if possible. Have you ever been on probation or arrested? If so, what for? Nope. The most/worst that has happened has been getting pulled over. Do you think that without drama and problems your life would be boring? Not that I exclusively thrive on drama lmao, but it’s sometimes nice to have it around just for the spice of it. I can definitely live without it, but yeah I’d say life would be a *little* bland. When you've had a bad day, do you seek an escape, or do you just face it? Depends on what problems I have. If it’s something I know will be sticking around for a while – like my anxiety toward my thesis – I’d rather have a quick, brief escape like eating out or having a few drinks. But if I’m bothered by something more pressing, something I know I’d lose sleep about, I just face the music. Do you think the bible's hypocritical, or do you live by it? Oh I dunno dude. I stopped paying attention to it when I finally didn’t have to read it every morning for school, so I’ve forgotten most of the lines. I have some memories of raising my eyebrows at some gospels though – like the one where Jesus flips out at seeing a marketplace near the temple, when these days a bunch of malls – public areas designated exclusively for shops – host masses of their own. Most churches are also situated near markets or have clothing or food stalls nearby for people to flock to after mass, so that bit confuses me to this day. Have you ever thought you were or actually BEEN pregnant? No, this has never been a concern of mine. Have you ever guilt tripped someone into something? LMAO just my parents, because I’m the most spoiled out of their kids. That’s not to say I’m spoiled rotten, I’m just a bit more expressive about what I want.  Do you actually care about other's problems? UP has opened my eyes to the plight of the poor and the working class, and so I mostly care for their struggles. When it comes to the opposite sex, do you fall for them faster or slower? I’m demi. My concept of ‘falling’ is the same for everyone. Have you ever had or been part of an intervention? Never. I wasn’t aware of the concept either until I saw it being done for Jesse Pinkman in Breaking Bad. If you could, would you go back and change the way things ended with someone? No. Can you manipulate someone into getting what you want? I can probably do it but I never want being manipulative to be a dominant trait of mine. Does the type of music someone listens to tell the type of person they are? Sometimes? Idk, you’d be surprised at some of the music people listen to. I’m as basic as basic gets lmao but I know people would be surprised to see Rancid on my playlists. But then again, music is a form of expression and it’s still a good indicator of someone’s personality or aura. Have you ever felt like you know a person just from their survey answers? Several people I follow have said that their surveys serve as their journals, so in a way it is an avenue to find out who they are. I don’t wanna assume I know them 100% though because after all, I’ve only known them through Tumblr. Are there any problems within your family? If so, what? Land dispute problems primarily, as with all Filipino families. Another issue I’ve heard of recently is what to do with one of the houses we own – who’s in charge of selling it, how to divide the money once it’s sold, etc. Apparently my grandma wants some of the money to be given to one of her sons (my deadbeat uncle) which has pissed my mom off and she’s currently pushing for him not to get any of the money cos he hasn’t done anything to contribute to the family haha. It’s all honestly fun to watch and has taught me to take it easy on my sister when we get older. If you're in a bad mood, do you take it out on others or do you hold it in? I try to hold it in and handle it responsibly, but there are times I’ll snap towards other people. Most days I act fake and convince everyone I’m doing fine so that they don’t need to worry, though. Have you ever seen cocaine, ecstasy, heroin, or acid? Have you done it? Nah I’ve never seen any of these in person. Do you like a lot of attention or does it make you uncomfortable? Oh man I hate it. Once I start feeling there’s too much on me, I try to shift it to someone else. Have you ever wanted to help someone, but you just couldn't? I don’t think I’ve ever had to care for someone who was just too far down. In one way or another I’ve always been able to offer help to my friends who needed it. Have you ever contemplated suicide or talked someone out of it who has? Just the former. I doubt I’m mentally capable of handling the second one all by myself, so I’m a little relieved I’ve never had to do it. I’m sure I have friends who can do it much better than I would. Have you ever been homeschooled? Why? No, I’ve had traditional schooling all my life. Have you ever woken up somewhere and not known where you were? Nah it’s never been this bad. I’ve woken up confused for a few seconds, but I’ve never been completely clueless. Has someone ever laced/slipped something in your drink? No, that’s awful. Have you ever had a party when your parents went outta town? Get caught? I don’t throw parties at my own place, and that’s not very common here either. Is there something you really wanna tell/say to someone but can't? Nah, I’m good. I do want to hug Angela because I’m sure she still feels bad about her grandmother passing away. Don't you hate when someone texts you and you're expecting someone else? Hahahahahaha, yes. That’s why I gave my girlfriend a separate ringtone.

[boogiewrites]

Reports & Repertoire 10

Characters: Eddie Brock x Venom x Candace Miller (OFC)

Word Count:  8500+

Summary:   Eddie and Candy's lives start to move fast with their new careers. Finding it hard to spend as much time together, absence makes the heart grow fonder for Candy and makes her react emotionally instead of her usual logical self when faced with jealousy. Eddie tries to find out what's really wrong with her, and it leads to a conversation that should've happened months ago.

Warnings/Tags: Language. Jealousy. Nonconsensual kiss. Discussions of sexism.FLUFF. Eddie cleans up GOOD. Romantic confessions. 

Click on my icon then go to Mobile Masterlist in my bio for my other works and chapters. (Had to do this since Tumblr killed links, sorry.)

Falling asleep and waking up in another person’s arms will make you have to face a lot of hard questions. Thanks to Venom, Eddie wasn’t finding it as hard to decipher how he felt about Candy. Having a constant influx of questions about every thought you had, had that effect on speeding up realizations.

Candy slept so soundly that night. Coffee and kisses were shared the in the late morning light with Eddie before he left. This time she didn’t have any feelings of, ‘Oh I shouldn’t have done that’, after kissing him goodbye. She didn’t regret pressing her lips gently to his forehead as he slept on her with his arm wrapped around her, half in and out of sleep with her fingers in his hair. She found herself not regretting any of her decisions thus far when it came to Eddie. The smile on her face that wouldn’t go away as she looked in the mirror that morning told her a lot about how she felt. She just needed to figure out how to tell him about it. -------- Everything begins to move fast, and not in a totally pleasurable way for Candy. Everything was coming up Milhouse for her but it was all a whirl happening around her and she fought to keep from feeling overwhelmed at times.

She has a meeting with the network and Eddie. With light praise and concerns shared, she signs a contract to begin working with them. They start pre-production and she tells the paper she’s leaving that same day. Deciding to keep with the same investigative journalism approach, they decide to simply rebrand that show as The Miller Report. She and Eddie would work together to find out where to mesh the old and new, using the pre-existing popularity of his show to launch hers, a sort of Brock report 2.0 of sorts, but with much better boobs, as Eddie teased in private.

At first, she got to see Eddie at work a few times a week, while the show was getting off the ground. Old leads, reforming a crew and figuring out how to improve on what he’d done lead to lots of brainstorming sessions between the two of them. But as it moved into shooting and interviews and on location production, Candace herself having to put in footwork on stories, they saw each other less and less. They did work for the same company, so sometimes they got to have lunch together, leaving their phones face down and trying to help the other decompress from being in the same fast-moving world of news, functioning as a small respite for each other. They mostly saw one another in passing, coming or going, walking around the same floor of the building with apologetic glances as she was surrounded by people demanding things of her and he would wave his notepad full of scribbles in her direction as he worked on questions and research for his interviews.

He traveled a lot for his work now, the more he released, the wider his net became for individuals to learn about. He spends most of his time hunched over a computer screen and rubbing his temples, trying to find the right angle, the right wording to get the information he wanted to set himself apart. It felt good to be back at work again but it also felt exactly like that. Work. And Venom wasn’t very fond of it.

Being back in the loop with stories, especially having Candy to hear them from, helps their need for human brains. Or rather, whole humans. The nonexistence of a body was a lot easier to hide than a headless one, so he found himself in shady parts of town where he knew bad things had been going down and letting Venom get his fill of the murderers, malicious thieves and rapists that crawled in the underbelly of the city. Due to his experience with Carlton Drake, Eddie still had that fire alive for getting back at the 1%. He tried to focus on interviewing these types and exposing them for the greedy, privileged monsters they were. Writing stories of abused laborers and blackmail attempts. He found it a lot harder to get around to eating a rich person though, lots of security and questions if they disappeared, but that didn’t keep Venom from always suggesting it and Eddie from always thinking it.

------ He finds himself in Colorado the night Candy’s show premiers and he feels like a real asshole for missing her party. But if there was anything Candy understood, it was work and he hoped she meant it when she said he didn’t hold it against him. He was out researching and interviewing the top manufacturers and dispensers in Denver and trying to bring light to the hypocrisy of white men running corporations and getting rich off what had oppressed the community of color for so long. The recreational laws in his home state made the story relatable to the local market but kept a distance while he could reach out to people in the green triangle upstate to get the real information on the conditions harvesters were forced to work in for a follow-up story.

He’s in his hotel room, sitting on the bed and loading up the network's website to see Candy’s first episode. She’d decided to tackle a sexist owner of some shops and been taking in interviews with ex-employees and discussing money taken for silence. He was insanely proud of such a delicate and intense subject that she’d go for for her first episode, but it didn’t surprise him in the least.

“Candy? Hello?” he asks, the face time screen blurred and the sound of multiple voices being heard. He’s greeted by Steph’s face.

“She gave me her phone so she’d stop looking at Twitter and what people were saying.” she explains as she laughs. “I’ll give her the phone, hold on.” he shakes her head. “If I can get her away from these guys that are over here trying to chat her up.” she smirks and stares at Eddie as she passes the bar.

He purses his lips and rolls his eyes. “Yeah, Steph, I get it. “ he says, a slightly more than an acquaintance level with the woman now since she ran interference between the two of them when they couldn’t directly communicate due to work.

“Do you?” she says, turning the phone so he can see Candy looking at a large TV on the wall, standing by a bar with three guys stood around complimenting her. She switches the camera back to her. “Because I’m not sure you do.”

“She’s a hot commodity now, I know.”

“And so are you. If you’d ever just put on your big girl panties and come over and-”

“Just give her the phone, Steph.” he groans. "I'm coming off a flight, I'm tired."

“You’re no fun Brock. I don’t know what she sees in you.” she chuckles and holds the phone out to Candy. “Guess who just landed?” she says in a much sweeter tone.

“Eddie!” he hears her happy voice and any worry he had about one of the men around her starts to fade.

“Hey babe.” he says with a warm smile to the holder of his affections.

“She looks pretty.” Venom says, hovering out of frame and watching his second favorite human.

“Your flight okay?” she asks, as she walks to a quieter part of the bar and he sees the men she’s leaving behind watch her go.

“Yeah, it was fine. And who cares, I wanna talk about you Miss big-time TV reporter.” he grins.

“Oh hush.” she laughs. “It’s not even into the first commercial break and I’ve seen it so many times already and I’m proud of it but I’m so damn nervous.” she says in a hushed voice, standing against a wall in a hallway where she can hear him.

“If you’re proud of it that’s all that matters. I’m trying to get it to load up right now.”

“Oh you’re gonna watch it?” she says with bright eyes.

“Of course I fuckin’ am!” he says with a laugh as if he’s offended. “First thing I did when I got in the room, haven’t even gone to the bathroom or taken off my shoes.” he says enthusiastically.

The smile on her face makes Venom smile “Awwww.” he says watching her light up.

“I made Steph hold my phone so I didn’t refresh social media constantly and not enjoy the moment.”

“Very smart. As always. I’m sure it’ll go over fine. You know as well as I do that right now exposing people like this is important work.” he says in an almost preachy tone.

“So is bringing attention to exploited labor, classism and racism.” she says, referring to what he’d been working on.

“Yeah, yeah but this is about you, Candy, not me.” he says with a nod. “You wanna watch it together? I’ve got it runnin’ now.” he suggests.

“Would you? I’ll leave you on while I watch it with everyone in the bar.”

“Sounds like a plan.” he says as Venom shifts and rests on his leg to watch the screen.

They stay on for the duration of it, except for the small space of time he runs to go pee. He pulls up Twitter and watches the comments come in, the hashtags being used and starts his first wave of responses with likes and retweets of supportive comments. He tells her the feedback is good, even though she refuses to look still. The usual and expected bitching and moaning from men is always there but Eddie doesn’t worry about Candy seeing them. She doesn’t hold much weight to most men’s opinions on the internet and he found himself grateful that she still seemed to hold him in such high esteem. They stay on face time until the show is over and everyone comes to surround her with their questions and her phone starts dinging and notifications of calls and messages start rolling in in waves too large to ignore. She sneaks the bathroom and whispers a sweet goodbye to him, giving the screen a kiss before they sign off.

“She seems happy.” Venom coos.

“She did. I’m glad. She should be. She worked her ass off on that and it was well done. Seems other people think so as well.”

“Her success worries you.” Venom comes in with the things Eddie tries to push out of his mind.

“I mean, sorta. Things can change when it happens.” he mutters.

“She still likes us. I can tell.” Venom tries to be supportive, speaking closely to Eddie's face so he can't ignore him.

“Yeah. Me too.” he gives a small smile in agreement.

“You know what you need to do Eddie.” he bumps his face to Eddie's temple.

“Ugh, dude I know.” he groans.

“We love her Eddie.” he says softly. "We should be a team. Just like we are. We love each other Eddie. It feels good to be told so. You should tell her so. Make her ours as I made you mine. A joining. A pairing. Make it so she cannot leave us.”

“You’re comin’ in a little hot there man but I appreciate it.” he sighs. “You aren’t totally wrong. You know it’s just complicated. With us both being in the public now and her getting my old show and there isn’t as much time as there used to be to relax. And she’s just starting so she’s gotta put in the work to get the respect even more than I do.”

“Excuses.” he states plainly.

“Well, we can’t do anything right this second about it. Let her enjoy her night, we’ll be seeing her soon enough.” Venom stares at Eddie, sensing the worry in him. --------- Candy stands in the bedroom of her new apartment, looking at herself in the evening gown she had on to attend a local awards ceremony for San Francisco Journalism. She’d been invited, which was surprising enough and Eddie was being recognized for his work. Her new job had alotted her more money, which she’d been saving up. But with the positive reaction from the public to her work, she’d gotten a raise and she thought it was time to move. She didn’t move that far away, over to a nearby neighborhood of Noe Valley, finding it’s quiet to be very appealing to her now. Her downtime was as precious as ever and she wanted something simpler, homier than her one-room studio apartment with its tiny shower and half-size refrigerator. She’d found an old Victorian home turned duplex and snatched it the day she looked at it. On the ground floor, a bedroom with a door, a bathroom with a tub and shower, a full kitchen and a dining room. It certainly wasn’t the great expanse of “full size” she’d known back home, but money was space here and she had enough to at least warrant a dining room that would fit a four-person table in it and a kitchen with a full sized fridge and a dishwasher. Simply not being able to watch the same tv from her bed, couch and kitchen felt like a huge leap.

She had rented a gown from a local designer. She was going for young and modern to keep up with the new brand she had to into account. A simple two-piece outfit, the skirt long and loose, cinched in at her waist with a peekaboo of her stomach under an off the shoulder sweetheart necked top. In all black, she hoped it wasn’t too severe, a punchy pink lip and side-swept curls, the extensions weighing heavily in her hair made her think it said take me seriously, but be reminded I can look good.

She has a driver pull up to a small bunching of people before a stretch of carpeted walkway begins, a backdrop covered in sponsored logos and a grouping of photographers behind a barricade. She stands with her mask of confidence, hands around her sparkly clutch keeping her from fidgeting with her manicured nails. She’s ushered off by a lady in a headset who has the vibe of not having time for anyone’s bullshit tonight and waits to the side where people are filing through, names being ticked off on a clipboard by a woman who looks less threatening but not overly friendly. She sees others from the network, cheek air kisses and shaken hands with meeting spouses for the first time, giving and receiving vague compliments on each others work.

She’s speaking to a local influencer who’s work she genuinely enjoys when she feels a hand on her shoulder and her nickname called in a voice that makes her heart flutter in it’s thick-accented delivery.

“Candy?” Eddie asks, only mostly certain it was her. She was so made up and he hadn’t seen her in weeks that he was left guessing until she turned around. “Or do I have to call you Candace now?” he gives her a grin.

She keeps her cool even though she’d like to kiss him square on the mouth and tell him how damn sexy he looked in his suit. It was simple, black with a matching skinny tie and a white button-up shirt. His hair pushed to the side and parted, barely a hint of stubble on his face to keep with the rugged look that would be expected of him. She’s thankful to be wearing so much makeup because she feels her face flush at the sight of him in the well-fitted suit.

“You can call me Candy.” she smiles, leaning to press her cheek to his, not wanting to get makeup on him, her hand on his arm as he doesn’t hide the dopey little smile he gets at the close contact to her. “You clean up good kid.” she laughs, giving him an approving glance as he looks away and shrugs.

His name is called from the woman with the clipboard. “I gotta...” he begins, pointing with his thumb and heading backward in the direction of the voice.

“I’ll find you inside later.” she says, shooing him off.

“Candace Miller?” called out by from the same woman as she turns towards the voice with blinking eyes, still not being used to people knowing her on sight yet. “Come on,” she says motioning for her to move forward. “You can go after Eddie Brock, easier for the photog’s, they’ll probably want pictures of you both together.” she mumbles, her pen working away on the paper.

Nodding and saying nothing, watching Eddie go ahead of her and being as charmed as everyone else at him as he turns on that masculine, confident and captivating persona she fell for first on his show that she now hosts. She’s contemplating how strange life is sometimes, reflecting n the recent turn of events when a hand ushers her forward into the onslaught of flashing lights. She takes a deep breath and sets her face in something subtle and serious. A smile in her eyes, head slightly tilted and body posed in a flattering way, she blinks slowly before them a more friendly smile, best to give them the option, she thinks. She hears her name called out in a variety of voices, seeing waving hands then Eddie’s name called, telling them to get together for pictures. It made sense, a picture to talk about the rising of one person making way for another. Their eyes give away their tentativeness to touch each other in such a public setting but to not do it would read as even more awkward. He reaches around her back and she does the same. They stand and smile while getting things shouted at them and giving the cameras their fill. She knows she’ll certainly be looking up these photos later. Suck it, people back home, this one was going on Instagram.

They’re sat together at the ceremony with other people from their network and investigative journalists. Neither of them missed an opportunity to network and pass along information to the ones they didn’t know. Candy sits and gets to be supportive as they get closer to his speech. She’d helped him on it and everything went according to plan until he thanked her in front of everyone. She hadn’t read that part.

Eddie was nervous but Venom was excited, as it usually went. Venom knew how important this event was to Eddie, so he was actually behaving himself. He’d helped put Eddie’s thoughts into something more concrete to help him win over Candy. Eddie wanted her to get recognition too, it was just another thing to add to the list of gestures to pay her back for believing in him when no one else would. “I know this award has my name on it and is for things I’ve done in this line of work but I didn’t get here alone. None of us have. And I wanted to thank someone who’s here tonight for her help. An example of what those who seek to tell the truth should strive to be. Someone who believes in those who don’t believe in themselves, and that included me. There’s no one better to take on what I started with The Eddie Brock Report and to take it to places I never could. I fully expect her to be receiving awards next year for the work she’s doing now. I’m proud to work with her and call her a dear friend, Candace Miller. This is for you.” he says, holding up the plaque he’d received and it took everything in her not to cry. People turn and look at her and she tries to hide her surprise in her face as they begin to clap and a lump grows and sits heavy in her throat. He moves backstage afterward for press and she’s left gulping noisily with eyes on her until the announcer comes back and moves the topic forward.

He’s swept away in a crowd, as all the honorees were. She’s wandering, hopping from young professional to young professional, as they were the ones who knew her work best and were willing to talk. The older higher up’s flocked together, taking in their own smugness that came with being at the top of one’s career. Candy hopes she ends up at the top of her game but doesn’t forget where she came from. A lot of these people came up when the scene was new. It was a lot easier to become a tv personality in the seventies or eighties compared to today with an oversaturated market and everyone wanting their face out there. The dinosaurs held tight and ruthlessly to their positions and she couldn’t blame them, she just wished they would be so elitist and dated in their beliefs.

She and Eddie make their way towards each other very slowly, a few steps at a time before one or both of them is caught up in another conversation with someone. They move in the direction of the hallway in the convention center, edging towards the outskirts of the huge banquet room.

“Before someone else steals you away I want to say two things,” she says raising her fingers. “One, thank you and two, how dare you.” she laughs. “You almost made me cry.” she grins, playfully shoving his arm slightly.

A smile that only shows up when she’s around comes across his face. His eyes soft, brow relaxed with one side pulling back farther than the other with those plush lips staying shut before they turn into each other, holding back the rest of it to not make himself painfully obvious.

“What you’re doin’ is more important right now. I interviewed someone that was already captured, you are going after people to capture them. That’s harder.” he says with a quiet tone, standing in close, tired of the forced interactions where he’s Eddie Brock, the investigative journalist. Putting on his alter ego where he was always self-assured and clever, ball busting and fearless. He got to take an exhale, let his face fall out of the broad smile and let his voice lower while he talked to Candy. Once again she was a form of respite for him.

“You could’ve told me you were gonna do that you know.” she gives him a soft smile. “I was 1000% caught off guard and everyone was looking at me and I probably looked like a deer in the headlights.” she chuckles.

“If I’d told you, you wouldn’t have let me.” he leans forward and grins, raising his eyebrows at her.

She rolls her eyes and shakes her head at him. She begins to open her mouth, some smart ass remark about him being right but her not being happy about it as he’s yanked to the side. She turns her face to see Vanessa Kennistone, one of those elites she was mulling over earlier take Eddie’s arm like she was already very familiar with him. Without a glance to Candy, the svelt cougar pulls Eddie away as he stutters in surprise. He tries to look back to Candy before the older woman takes his chin and keeps his face on her, leading him out of the room. Candy is left with a red face, frozen, blinking rapidly in confusion.

Her brain can’t help it, bless her. She starts running over every possible reasoning for this sort of behavior. Sometimes her quick brain, the dots it could connect, the lines it wanted to draw without any effort were more of a burden than a blessing in her personal life. She’d pulled him away like she’d hypnotized him. Did he know her already? In her absence had he been filling his needs elsewhere, he was certainly a good looking and charming enough man to play boy toy to a woman like her. Was he using her for intel? She shakes her head hard and takes a sip from the champagne flute in her hand. She needed to stop, she was upsetting herself. She takes a deep breath and waits a few minutes after they’re out of sight before pursuing. No way she was going to sit and stew in what was turning out to be red hot jealousy without proof of his wrongdoings.

Vanessa, an older woman with a very good plastic surgeon has Eddie against a wall outside of a supply closet in the almost empty hallway outside the room where the after party was being held. Eddie is still trying to hide his surprise, not happy about how this woman was handling things, finding it extremely unappealing and rude. He didn’t want to be those things as she was a big name in the local game, but he was giving her no reason to think this behavior was okay either. She stands within inches of Eddie, a hand on his chest as her eyes narrow and looks him over, sizing him up, fucking him with her eyes without saying a word as his head pressed against the wall to create space between them.

“Why are you hanging out with that little nobody all night huh? Give someone above a newbies pay grade some time.” she says with a deep tone, and a what she sees as a seductive smile.

“Because she’s my friend... so... that’s why.” he says with a low brow, trying to control to high inflection of his voice in his uncomfortableness.

“Just friends huh? Her loss. My gain?” she asks with a tilt of her head.

“I... uh...” he begins, a clearly uncertain expression on his face now.

“Oh he’s shy.” she laughs. “You are so sexy when you blush, you know that Mr. brock? Wouldn’t have thought a man like you would get tongue-tied over a woman. Not when you look like this.” leans in and presses her lips to his, lashes fluttering shut as he holds still.

As her timing could not be better or worse, Candy gets close enough to the recess in the wall they were hiding behind to see her kiss him. Her jaw tenses, her hands seizing up and almost breaking the thin neck of the glass she was holding. Her heart palpitates and all her biggest worries come flooding back. Eddie wouldn’t kiss someone in public if he didn’t know them. Would he? He wasn’t a make out in public on a whim sorta guy. Was he? She begins to question things she thought were certain about him. So he had been sleeping with her. Maybe him thanking her in his speech was his guilty conscience trying to free itself from sleeping with someone behind her back. But was it behind her back? They weren’t together, not in any official capacity. Did she even have the right to be jealous? She watches from the corner of her eye, trying to hear what they were saying because she was a glutton for punishment apparently.

“You uh...you’re bein’ real nice Mrs. Vennistone but I gotta get back.” he says with a quiet shaky voice that Candy can’t make out.

“No, you don’t. I’m right here, I’m all you need to be worried about.” she says confidently, pressing herself against him. Candy takes a noisy gulp and looks away for a moment to gather herself.

“I’d rather get back to my friend.” he states, his voice cracking.

She pulls back and pouts. He wasn’t finding a grown woman pouting something to be considered attractive. “Why? That friend of yours used you to get what she wants, so why not use me to get what you want? She’ll be fine without you. She’s a big girl, I’m sure she can handle herself.” she says in a condescending way, Candy only picking up some of the words, but it was enough to make her face go red with the insinuation.

“Excuse you?” he says louder, putting his hands on her shoulders to create more space between them.

“Candace Miller.” she says with an obvious tone and a loud sigh. Her voice annoyed enough to be loud for Candy to hear it. “She slept with you to get the show from you right?” he gives her a disgusted look. “Oh please, everyone does it. Don’t act so high and mighty. You journalists.” she rolls her eyes and tsks.

Candy’s heart drops. Her face falling and going pale. Was that what everyone thought? With wide eyes that reflect the notion that she really should have seen coming in their wide and watery expression. She blinks rapidly, swallowing the lump in her throat and decides to remove herself from the situation. She clearly had a few things to think about.

“That is not what happened.” he says, his chin jutting out for emphasis.

“Oh is it not?” she suggests with a smirk, flipping her overly coiffed and sprayed, large dark hair.

“No. She helped me out if anything. She was willing to work with me when no one else would. You’ve got no reason to talk about her like that, she got where she is because she’s smart and talented and a hard worker.” he says, starting to push back on her, Venom stays quiet but is calculating the possibility of eating this woman, wondering how bad all that hairspray would taste.

“Alright, alright. Calm down, big boy.” she says in a condescending way, trying to reach out to touch his chest again.

“No. We’re done here.” he says with a straightening of his posture, his voice dipping lower as his anger shows through.

“Why? I’m offering you sex and the ability to make a connection higher up and you want to go ‘hang out’?” she says, a hand now on her hip, looking at him in disbelief.

“Yeah. I would.” he states obviously.

“Why?” she says more angry, shaking her head.

“Because you don’t really give a shit about me. You only care now because I’ve had a successful piece out. I only want to be around people who actually support me as a person, not because they want something from me .” he steps back and she looks him up and down with a quirked brow.

“So you’d rather hang out with your “friend” Candace than get fucked? By me? And insult me in the process?” she holds her hand to her chest, her jaw slack and chin low at the audacity of this young man.

“Well... yeah. Doing nothin’ with her would be a lot better than getting fucked by some self-centered piece of work like you.” She blinks in surprise. His face hard and certain, eye contact not wavering at the still almost disgusted look she had on her face.

“I see you’re as reckless as ever. I shouldn’t have wasted my time on you. You’ll be sorry for talking to me like that.” she says, crossing her arms and pursing her lips.

“I doubt that lady. Who do you think the public will believe? A has been anchor lady or a journalist who works and fights for human rights?” he says taking steps backward, his hands out, palms up at his sides.

“I have more reach and power than you two put together.” she scoffs.

“Maybe, but we know who we are. We aren’t out trying to sleep with someone to ignore the fact that we can't truly connect with people and try to manipulate those under us. So we’re gonna go forget about you and have a good night because we aren't assholes who want to metaphorically whip our dicks out in every conversation.” he says with an attitude-filled head shake as he lets his articulating hands fall to his sides when he turns his back to her.

Candy is standing just outside the door, on the other side of the nearly empty entryway where only a few people smoking were idling. She considered bumming a cigarette even though she didn’t smoke, she just felt the mood warranted it. She ignores his fast footsteps, acting like she couldn’t identify them by sound alone, knowing the shoulder shifting saunter that Eddie moved about the world with.

“Hey, Candy.” he says softly, coming up and touching her bare arm as he tried to hide the anger on his face. “You wanna get out of here?”

She gives him a curiously blank expression, eyes filled with emotion but blinking fast. “Why? The people here clearly want to talk to you.” she says with her lips tight as she speaks.

He tilts his head at her. “I don’t...” he sighs and his brow lowers. “I don’t really feel like this is where I should be.” he says quietly.

“What are you talking about? You got recognized.” she states obviously.

“That's not what I mean.” he says with a wince of his face.

“Then what do you mean?” she asks, her face still painfully indifferent.

“These people...” he shakes his head, looking back into the building.

“That woman?” she asks with sad eyes under a lifted brow.

“Yeah.” he says, noticing her closed off body language.

“I saw her kiss you.” she blurts out, looking away from him. “You don’t have to pretend like you need me around anymore you know.” she says softly. “You’ve been doing fine on your own...clearly.” she says with anger in her eyes and tone.

“Woah, wait, what?” he asks with a higher pitched voice, his hands held up in surrender.

“I heard what she said.” she mutters out, looking to the ground and crossing her arms.

“What’d you hear exactly? Because I think you’re missing the more important pieces of that conversation." he says with a huff of a laugh at her attitude.

“I heard her say I slept with you to get the job. So that must be what everyone thinks right?” she rolls her eyes and sighs, face hiding how upset she was.

“Candy, no, that woman was being a bitch, don’t listen to her. She was jealous I was trying to leave and get back to you.” he says with pleading eyes.

She meets his eyes again, still sad and hesitant.

“She was! And I told her that’s not what happened! That you got the job because you’re good. Plain and simple.” he says quietly but with enthusiasm.

She blinks slowly. “I should’ve known people would think I slept with you to get it.” she whispers.

“Is that not why you slept with me?” he jokes.

She slaps his arm and frowns.

“Ow, okay. Bad timing for that joke. Just tryin’ to lighten the mood.” he says rubbing his arm. “Who cares if that’s a rumor anyway? We both know that’s not true.”

“Easy to say because you’re a man. You’re not the one whose work is being undermined.” her voice tight and tone still severe.

“That...” he sighs. “That is true.” he nods. “But everyone really likes your work though. So what if they think we slept together?” he leans in closer and speaks softly, eyes sad for her being upset, neither he or Venom wanted to see her upset.

“I don’t care that think we slept together, I care about it in relation to the job.” she sighs. “And we did sleep together. We...” she looks around. “ We do. Or, did. Had been. Whatever.” she shakes her head. “So it’s not totally false.”

“Even if we hadn’t, I would have recommended you for that job. You can’t think I mentioned you just because of the sex.” his brow low and voice cracking as the desperation to convince her was heard in his voice.

She stops a moment and takes it in, taking a deep breath and willing herself to look into his soft eyes that were pleading with her to not feel sad. “No.”

“And even if we weren’t sleeping together, they might say it anyway. So either way, it’s a lie and it doesn’t matter. People like your work, Candy. You’re getting to help people, that’s what’s important. Not what some people with sticks up their asses think.”

“Yeah.” she says with an angry sigh. ”I know.” she says defensively, chewing her cheek. “I’m just...” she rolls her eyes and sighs loudly, closing her eyes and shaking her head before chewing on her thumbnail for a moment. Eddie stands still and lets her process her feelings, seeing them shifting over her face. She furrows her brow and meets his eyes again. “So are you like...” she purses her lips and vaguely motions with her hand to nothing. “Sleeping with her or something?"

“What the- Oh, god no!” he says with a disgusted look on his face. He sees she thought he had been with Vanessa and it clicks for him why she was so bent out of shape. “You thought me and her? That we were?” his face takes a more humorous turn.

“So took you away and kissed you, what was I supposed to think?” she mumbles, lowering her head in shame.

“That’s she’s a sexual predator?” he suggests, giving her a light-hearted smile.

“Sorry I just...” she shrugs. “I dunno what I was thinking.” she mumbles again, which was also unlike her.

“Not with that smart, pretty head of yours that’s for sure.” he offers to make her feel better. She gives him a fleeting, weak smile. “What’s wrong? Somethings up with you.”

She swallows her pride and tries to figure out how to express these feelings in a mature way besides you kissed another girl and it made me sad. But we aren’t even dating so it shouldn’t matter to me at all. But it does. “I thought since we hadn’t... been together in a while that maybe you were seeing her now.” she admits, her eyes shifting back up to his, he could see the uncertainty in them and he was touched by it.

“No, she’s just a sleazy cougar, not my type at all” he huffs out a laugh. “You think I’ve been seeing someone else?” he asks in almost a whisper, lowers his head in close, his shoulders shifting towards her and hunching.

“It’s a reasonable assumption. I don’t know what you do when I’m not around.” she says quietly and defensively.

“Work." he says with a soft chuckle." Work and miss you." he states, his lips pouting out and looking her over. "I’ve just been busy. This writing and traveling around so much is new and I’m still getting used to it. That’s all. You’ve not come around either, have you been seein’ somebody?” he asks to make his point.

“No. I’ve been busy.” she says with a light tone, the lines around her mouth softening as she loses her anger and hurt she’d worked up in herself.

“Well see... in the same boat.” she nods and looks away. “That’s not all, is it? You’re still being distant and that means something’s wrong. You’re always up in my shit about everything. Tell me... Someone do somethin’ while I was back there with Mrs. Step Mom in a porno?” he offers her that dopey grin of his and her chest hurts.

She swallows audibly and sighs. He was good at observation she’d give him that.

He works through the events up to this in his head out loud. “You thought I was with someone else, you saw her kiss me and you got upset,” he says, his hand on her arm, turning her body towards his. “Are you...?” he blinks and leans in close, trying to hide the teasing that wanted to rise in his voice. “Jealous Candy?”’

She opens her mouth to say no but that’d be a lie so she shuts it again and frowns.

“You are aren’t you? Oh, babe, come here.” he says with a warm friendly tone. “Why would someone like you be jealous? The only woman getting my time right now is you.” he takes her into his arms by surprise. She’s taken back by it enough to forget there might be people watching them and her frown breaks, feeling her heart flutter with his words.

“It’s really childish of me, sorry. I should know better.” she shakes her head and shuts her eyes. It was if she'd forgotten what liking someone felt like. Those sharp, knee-jerk reactions from strong emotions that came with it that could make even a logical person like her react too quickly, a little too harshly in defense of her heart.

“Nah, now if you’d gone all real housewives on her and yanked her wig off then that would’ve been immature.” he jokes, holding her shoulders and looking at her face, finally cracking a smile. “There’s my pretty girl,” he says and gives her cheek a soft a soft rap with his knuckles. “Why would I wanna hang out with anyone but you? You’re the only one that wanted to be around me when everyone else hated me.” he says with earnest eyes. He watches her face soften, hoping his words were alleviating some of her worry about his loyalty to her.

“And now everyone loves you.” she says with a hint of a smirk.

“Nah. They just act like they do. They just want my time for selfish reasons.” he dismisses the statement with a shake of his head.

“I know the feeling.” she says quietly, sighing out afterward.

“Yeah, it comes with the territory. Sucks. But at least we know we won’t be like that, huh?” he says trying to cheer her up further.

“No. We won’t.” she untenses her shoulders and gives him a smile he’s been working towards seeing again.

“All you ever wanted me for was to do some good.” he smirks. “Well I mean...and a few other things” he laughs.

She shoves his arm and grins “Charming as ever.” she shrugs “But also correct.” her mischievousness was back and his chest feels warm as they look at each other for a weighted moment.

“So how about we blow this popsicle stand, huh? We can go do nothing together instead of stay here? We’ve got tonight to hang out, when was the last time we just went and hung out?” his voice raises and almost cracks in its sincerity.

“It’s been months.” she says exasperatedly.

“Too long. C’mon. Let's go eat some greasy food together like we used to.” he says taking her hand and tugging her forward.

“Dressed like this?” she laughs, hand motioning between the two of them.

“You look beautiful, why not?” he asks with an unintentionally cocky nod of his chin.

A soft smile comes across her face with a hint of blush at his compliment. He’d never called her that before.

“Did I not tell you that yet?” he leans in. “Because I should’ve. You look great tonight, Candy. Or can I say hot? That’s not as sweet and I gotta keep my brand in mind of bein’ sweet with you don’t I?” he teases as her face stays flushed and she grins at the attention. “Oh, that got her blushin’.” He teases and laughs, thumb rubbing over the back of her hand he was holding. “C’mon gorgeous,” he says, putting his arm around your shoulders. “They not complimenting you on the job? They should be. You’re a hell of a lot better to look at than I was.” he laughs, kissing the side of her head. “How do you feel about poutine? I was just in Vancover and the shits insane. There’s a food truck court a couple streets over, what d’ya say?” he asks, nodding his head towards the street.

“I say bring on the poutine, eh.” she chuckles, eyes wide with affection in them instead of worry now as she watched the happy expressions pass over his handsome face. ---------- They walk down the quiet street to Candy’s home after they get out of their ride. She ’s holding a corndog in one hand, she and Eddie alternate bites as he carries her shoes for her, his suit jacket draped over shoulders along with his arm.

“This is me.” she says, looking up at the pastel-colored house, opening up the door with her key.

“This is very nice. A little...family oriented of a neighborhood for you but, it looks nice.” he says, taking in the well taken care of street. He walks into the dark house, the place smelled the same as her old apartment, but she looked like she fit in here better, she should be surrounded by nice things, he thought.

“It’s quiet and I wanted somewhere I could hide away when I wasn’t working.” she says, flicking on a lamp and taking her shoes from him, setting them on a bench by the door.

“I get it.” he empathizes and nods, eyes taking in the rooms.

She watches his face, wondering what thoughts were moving around behind his eyes, as she could tell by the way the corners of his eyes crinkled that he was distracted. “I had more fun out eating with you than I have in months.” she admits, her soft words making his head turn and look down at her. “I really miss having you around.” her lips purse and his pout slightly as she steps towards him.

“I miss you too. No one else laughs at my jokes.” he grins and she smiles, moving to put her hands on his sides.

“Well, it takes a certain sense of humour with you. And patience.” she chuckles, a playful look on her face as her arms slowly wrap around him.

“And I’m thankful every day you put up with it.” he beams down at her as her eyes turn softer in the dim light as she looks over his face.

“I know you have to fly out tomorrow...” she begins, tilting her head, her eyes at his lips and giving away her intention. “But would you wanna spend the night?” her voice is nearly a whisper as if she was afraid to ask.

“Why let the night end now? This is the best I’ve felt in a long time.” he admits, a charming smile looking down at her as his soft and smooth voice wash over her, bringing goosebumps to her skin. One of his hands smooths her hair on one side, fingers trailing down her neck as he looked her over.

“You...interested in making us both feel better than we have in a few months?” she asks, leaning in and he mirrors her, an arm snaking around her to pull her close.

“I’ve had to look at you in this dress all night. It’s been on my mind. A big distraction if you ask me. Almost made me forget my speech” he grins and huffs out a soft laugh.

“That a yes?” she asks with a shake of her head.

“Always a yes for you.” he says with his crooked charming smile before she pulls his him down by his tie to her for a long overdue kiss. His hand moves to the side of her face instantly, wanting to feel the soft skin and hair that he’d missed falling asleep in. The kiss isn’t rushed and doesn’t feel as desperate as either expected. A slow passing of lips and gentle caresses of tongue come and go in a relaxed expression of their fondness for each other.

Despite feeling warm and tingly, and hopeful for what was coming to a head for them, Candy pulls away to make her intentions known. There wasn’t time to be vague anymore. “Eddie?” she whispers against his lips and he hums at the sound. “I really have missed you.” her large doe eyes blink up at him and he slumps at the feeling they give him.

“God, I’ve really missed you too. Not just this...although I’ve certainly missed this but... just bein' around you.” he almost whines.

“We should stop missing each other and try to start finding each other instead.” she says with a lighthearted tilt of her head.

“What’d’you mean babe?” he asks with a furrowed brow.

“I hate that it took me getting jealous like a little girl to say something.” she rolls her eyes at herself. “But I don’t want you sleeping with anyone else.” she admits, a passing sadness for the thought crossing her face. “And...I don’t want to sleep with anyone but you.”

“I don’t want you to be with anyone else either.” he confesses, his brow softening along with the look in his eyes.

“So should we...agree to be exclusive?”

“I made that decision for myself a long time ago, to be honest.” he says with a subtle smile.

“Yeah. I suppose I did too.” she huffs out an embarrassed laugh at the realization. “You would like to...be with me, wouldn’t you Eddie? Like a couple... together.” she says with a nervous glance.

“I would love to.” he almost swoons out at her. “You’re my favorite person, really, you know.” he says with a smile. “I’ve wanted to tell you how much I just...really, really like you for a while but I didn’t want to scare you off. Y’know after what you said about me not having my shit together.” he winces slightly. “Which was entirely valid.” his voice inflects upward in agreement.

“I know I said some harsh things after we first slept together. But you’ve really put in the work Eddie. I’m proud of you.” she says placing her hand on his cheek for a moment. “And by suggesting this I don’t want you to think I’m ashamed or something of you, because I’m not. The total opposite really,” she says shaking her head fast. “But would you mind if we kept this on the down low? With the possibility of rumors about me sleeping with you to get the job I don’t know if it’d look good for us to be open publicly about it.” she says quietly, hoping she wouldn’t hurt his feelings, but she had a career, a brand, and a reputation to keep up.

“No, I totally get that Candy, I do.” he nods. “You gotta protect yourself now.” he says sweetly.

“But I thought if we were honest about wanting to be together that made it would make it easier for us to reach out and see each other more. Because now it’s not weird to text at the end of a long day that we wanna see the other.”

“So many unsent texts that I thought sounded too needy I’ve drafted saying just that.” he chuckles.

“I’ve thought about it more times than I’d like to admit.” she smiles. “I didn’t want our jobs pulling us apart and then we become just some people that used to sleep together back in the day, you know?” she says with a heartfelt honesty that makes Venom break his silence and make a content noise of appreciation for Candy and her sweet words, making Eddie’s brain feed his hunger with the love drugs again.

“I’d never let that happen.” he whispers, touching the side of her face again. “We can make time for each other better now. You’re closer to the airport too, if you’re home I can stay here the night before I fly out.”

“Starting tonight?” she smiles, tiptoeing to brush her nose against him.

“Starting tonight.” he coos back, tilting his head slowly.

“I hope you don’t need a lot of sleep, Eddie.” she grins, a little giggle escaping her as he smiles against his lips.

“I’ll just be getting my sleep on the plane, I take it?” he chuckles.

“Oh yeah. I’m gonna introduce you to being with me properly.” they bat their lashes and hum contently at each other before locking together in another kiss. Unlike just minutes before, this kiss surges forward, feeling desperate in the best sort of way. She lets her guard down and he shows her how much he needs her. They no longer have to say they miss each other out loud because they simply show the other with how their bodies react with everything being out in the open now. Well... almost everything.

@hardygal69 @raceylacy @emerald-bijou @negansdirtygirl22 @brianaisasongbird @vale0413 @izzy-the-ginger @chortletortoise @onomatopoetic-aesthetic @anrm1 @jademox @nightcraver @venomous-possibiities @tinastarkandco @chipster-21

[boyneriver-fraser]

Beyond Outlander’s Online Fandom: There’s a whole other world out there 🔭

I know a lot of people — of all ages and stages — who read Outlander and watch Outlander and have never HEARD of the online fandom, much less participate in it. 😳 One of them recently flew across the Canadian prairie to spend eight sleeps with me and the wee cheeties. And boy, were her arms tired.

Sally, which isn’t her real name, is a vibrant, well-educated, well-travelled, married mother-of-two-teenagers, with a professional career and a ton o’ personality. She read The Books long before I’d heard of The Show or knew there were books. She’s watched The Show since Claire first said, “Strange, the things you remember” on August 9, 2014.

Sally, not as illustrated

One of the first things Sally cheerily said to me once she settled in was, “The season finale is Sunday night, right?” THEE season finale…

I said, “Right” because I don’t lie to my guests until they’ve been here for at least one sleep and asked her what she thought of Season 4.

She said, “I love it. It’s one of my favourite seasons.”

🎶 DUN DUN DUN… 🎶 🤯

I’ll pause while the majority of you pick yourselves up off the floor and adjust your rolling eyes. (Commence Music-On-Hold)

…

Let’s review. Sally is a vibrant, well-educated, well-travelled, married-mother-of-two-teenagers with a professional career and a ton o’ personality. And she enjoyed Season 4. (Reinstitute Music-On-Hold)

…

Sally doesn’t Tumblr. She doesn’t Tweet. She doesn’t use Instagram or Facebook or any social media. She has no idea who Caitriona Balfe or Matthew B Roberts or Jon Gary Steele is beyond names and faces on the TV screen. Nor does she care. The horror! The horror! 😱

Rewind to that torturous week between 4x12 Providence and THEE Season Finale, if you dare: I told me ol’ pals @saint-hildegard-of-bingen and @wherethepupsare and the former @little-wine-lac a long and winding story — quelle surprise — about my having been an “easily contented” child. Boyneriver-Fraser: An Easily Contented Child available on iTunes and in the Kindle Store, March 14.

The story ended with:

It would seem that Boynie is still easily contented. I enjoyed Providence, start to finish. I was entertained, intrigued, and content. So content that when my eyes moved to the clock during a commercial, I was stunned to see it was 1:03 a.m., one hour and three minutes into the broadcast. Boredom and disappointment were strangers to me. Absolutely I would have enjoyed “more Claire and Jamie,” but I did not miss them. The story and the other characters maintained my interest, so much so, before I looked at the clock, I didn’t realize the episode was imminently over…

My only conclusion is, whatever it is I need from Outlander-on-TV, I’m getting. 

🤷🏻‍♀️

Has anyone ever mentioned I (had been) a vibrant, well-educated, well-travelled, single-mother-of-two-wee-cheeties, (who had) a professional career and fakes a ton o’ personality? (Re-Reinstitute Music-On-Hold)

…

My point — and I do have one thank you, Ellen — is there ARE intelligent people who have read The Books (and who don’t use social media and/or communicate with Outlander personnel disqualifying them for sycophant status) and who STILL ENJOY the show.

I’ll be talking a bit more about them — and how we could all get along, short of joining hands and singing Kumbaya — when I offer more ridiculous drivel my thoughts on some-things-Zen, as foreshadowed in my previous post. Now’s as good a time as any to unfollow me. Blame Tumblr. Hurry. Hurry hard.

If only I could Zen-handle my dashboard like I can Zen-handle the show and Zen-handle the ship… Can you say “foreshadowing?” Sure. I knew you could. Is there an echo in here?

February 28, 2019

Gifs: Sally Brown - Pinterest, Zen Cats giphy.com

#Personal #Beyond Outlander’s Online Fandom #Sally’s Visit #Not her real name #Music-On-Hold #Easily contented child #Sleep now, Zen later #If you read this entire post you’re a good sport 😀 #I do enjoy a good rendition of Kumbaya #73 #022819

[theancientgeekoroman]

Both @singingofdudesarms and @rambling-museums tagged me in “getting to know me” type posts EONS ago, so I’m going to just combine them into one post! I don’t usually tag people for these types of things, but if you see these and want to do them, consider yourself tagged by me and feel free to mention me when you make your post, lol. Here goes:

1. Are you named after anyone?

This fellow: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Aneirin

2. When did you last cry?

Yesterday because I saw a commercial that made me happy lol

3. Do you have/want kids?

Classified

4. Do you use sarcasm?

No, I wouldn’t ~dream~ of ever using s a r c a s m

5. What do you first notice about people?

Their outfit tbh, I like to see if y’all are wearing fandom t-shirts or pretty things lol

6. What is your eye color?

Hazel!

7. Scary movie or happy ending?

Happy ending, lol. I’m a Disnerd until the end.

8. Special talents?

Singing opera and Broadway, mediocre archery and fencing skills

9. Where were you born?

Delaware lol

10. Hobbies?

Reading, writing, YouTube and Netflix bingeing, baking baklava

11. Any pets?

I have three cats with my fiance (they have two, Naruto and Wilde, and I have one, Athena)

12. What sports have you/do you play?

#JockTychon has come out, here are all the sports and athletics I’ve played/participated in:

Soccer

Volleyball

Basketball

Cheerleading

Tang Soo Do 

Ballet 

Tennis (fun story: when I served, I did it on my toes so they called me Ballerina)

Fencing

Archery

Medieval Re-enactment (training with those boffer weapons is one of the most athletic things I’ve ever done lol)

13. Height?

smol

14. Favorite subject?

*gestures to entire tumblr and other social media sites* Take a wild guess

15. Dream job?

Any job where I can get paid to teach/talk/about Classics and the ancient world would satisfy me if I got enough money from it to live comfortably 

This particular post has a “rule” of tagging 9 people, but again, I don’t like to tag people in these things, so feel free to do this one and tag me as your tagger if you do it from my post!

Rules: Tag 9 people you want to get to know better. Answer the provided questions.

Relationship status: Engaged!

Favourite colour: all of them but I wear a lot of black

Top three ships: Nagron (surprise), Bubbline, I blanked on the third one, Idk

Lipstick or chapstick: I’ve never really worn lipstick but I’d be intrigued by it lol; always chapstick

Last song: Lord of the Rings soundtrack because that’s what I use to study/do homework to

Last movie: The last movie I think I watched, I liveblogged on here: Hercules Unchained, it was either that, or Legally Blonde which I remember wanting to watch because of all the law information I was researching

[static-pallor]

I was tagged by @asbestoshazard ...and I’m a little grateful because I can’t recall the last time I wrote words that were mine and not in a work email. ;D

what’s the smell of your shampoo?

Kind of oat-y/Milk-y smelling. I use devacurl for the mop of mess on my head.

what’s your aesthetic?

personally - Black on black on black on black. Current "witchy" aesthetic really is on point with my vibe, honestly.

home - it's just a mix of everything my wife and I have accumulated over the years at this point. We bought a farmhouse that was originally two log cabins built in 1837. We are trying to figure out a way to compliment the farm house but not go full Joanna Gaines on it.

what’s your favorite time of the day and why?

Depends on the time of year for sure, I don't have a favorite for every season.

Fall/Winter - is sunset because it's always a rainbow of colors here.

Summer - Sunday mornings (or mornings when my wife and I have the same day off). Relaxing, no rush to do anything.

what do you most like about the beach?

Probably the same thing every one else likes. You get a sense of connection to the world when you are there. Finding a quiet, secluded beach is when I feel it most. You can just sit and stare at an ever changing horizon that is always churning and changing but as a whole is the same. Being around the wild life on a beach is also one of my favorite things. I got to snorkel for the first time in my life this year and it was a huge deal for me. The kid who wanted to be a marine biologist came back out.

what do you worry about constantly?

Am I doing the right thing? At any and all times. Am I filling my time with useless things like social media when there are other things to do? Is filling my time with social media really as terrible as everyone seems to think it is? Am I living my life as I should be? Am I too caught up in the big picture and not focusing on the things I should be?

what is a song you’ve cried to before?

All of "The Devil and God are Raging Inside Me" album by Brand New. Super problematic band, I know, but that album got me through a lot of tough times in my life. I can't listen to it now without going into an emotional funk, honestly. It only gets pulled out at times of wallowing in my depression.

31 and Falling by Chris Pureka. That always loosens something in my chest.

what are some relaxing tips for your followers?

Take a bath. Buy that bathbomb. Read your favorite book again. Indulge yourself just a little when you need to.

what are some things that make you tear up?

Anything? But seriously. Nice jestures make me tear up. I tear up when frustrated a lot. Movies and commercials always get me.

what is your favourite from each sense?

Sight - Watching my wife at a concert of a band that she loves.

Taste - Chocolate. Specifically Christopher Elbow chocolate. And the umami flavor you get from a steak.

Smell - little things that trigger memories I forget that I have. Burning wood stove and Wintergreen gum remind me of growing up and spending time with my grandparents in a small town in northern Missouri.

Sound - loud music venue going quiet at the first chord of a concert for the headliner. One of the best experiences of that is seeing Chris Pureka silence and everyone who can hear them.

Touch - when my cats go out of their way to rub against me. It's very comforting and nice knowing that they genuinely love me back.

what is an alternative reality you’ll like to live in?

The one where the current POTUS wasn't actually elected?

what are some troubles you face on a daily basis?

Am I really doing everything I can? Is this job enough for me? Am I running out of time to start a family? Should I really go back to school or will everything be okay in 6 months?

what is one scene from a book that makes you really sad?

I can't think of one right now. There are a lot of scenes in Haruki Murakami novels that just punch a hole right through your chest. Especially in Wind-up Bird Chronicle and Kafka On the Shore.

say something to your followers:

You're still here after the great Tumblr purge? Wow, yeah, me too. Been here since '09. How could I possibly quit now? 😂

[lilydalexf]

Old School X is a project interviewing X-Files fanfic authors who were posting fic during the original run of the show. New interviews are posted every Tuesday.

Interview with Piper Sargasso

Piper Sargasso has 25 stories at Gossamer, but don’t miss her website where the fics each have cover collage art. If you are a fan of Mulder/Scully romance, there are a lot of MSR fics to read that are set in different seasons of the show. But like the show that never stuck to one type of story, Piper’s stories have variety, so you can also find AUs and /Other.  Big thanks to Piper for doing this interview.

Does it surprise you that people are still interested in reading your X-Files fanfics and others that were posted during the original run of the show (1993-2002)?

It does, but I love that people are still into it! Writers back in the day put so much work and love into their writing, and it's nice to know that the stories are still being appreciated to this day. As for my own stories, it puts a huge smile on my face to know there are still people out there checking them out and hopefully enjoying them.

What do you think of when you think about your X-Files fandom experience? What did you take away from it?

It was such a positive period of my life. I made some amazing friends who became something like older sisters (and some brothers) to me, even though I was a little ridiculous when I was in my early to mid-twenties. It was also a much-needed confidence booster. I was a pretty shy person and loved writing, but never had the nerve to show anything to anyone. My first fanfic was completely horrible, but because of it I made my first XF friend and super beta, Mimic117. Between her guidance and the encouraging words from my Yahoo group I was able to do something I really loved and felt great about myself and my abilities for the first time. That will stay with me forever. That first story was truly atrocious, but it was a catalyst for great things in my life when I needed them the most.

Social media didn't really exist during the show's original run. How were you most involved with the X-Files online (atxc, message board, email mailing list, etc.)?

I remember trying this cool new thing called an AOL chat room, but they were more interested in perving on each other than talking about the show. Once I knew about fanfiction I kept seeing that some of my favorite authors kept mentioning IWTBXF in their notes, a Yahoo group named I Want to Believe. I looked it up, joined, and with great trepidation made my introductory post. Everyone was so warm and welcoming, and talking to my favorite authors in the group was a little like meeting a celebrity and finding out that they're awesome in real life. After IWTBXF fell apart, an off-shoot called Beyond the Sea was created with almost all of the original group transferring over. I stuck to my little family there and didn't branch out into much else, other than the rare dip into Haven. Ephemeral and Gossamer, of course.

What did you take away from your experience with X-Files fic or with the fandom in general?

Mostly the overwhelming feeling of acceptance and confidence to write, something I was sorely lacking before in my life. I fell in with the best group, that's for sure! They made me feel like being a professional writer could be an achievable goal.

What was it that got you hooked on the X-Files as a show?

The commercial advertising. The pilot spoke to my supernatural-loving, angsty 15 year-old soul. I watched it religiously every week. There was nothing like it. It was off-beat, but serious (most of the time) and fulfilled my insatiable craving for the paranormal and weird. You just couldn't get that from Melrose Place and Beavis and Butthead, you know? It definitely helped that David Duchovny was adorable and the character of Scully was the strong and intelligent icon we needed in the 90's and beyond.

What got you involved with X-Files fanfic?

In high school I had a friend who was as obsessed with the show as I was. Maybe more, since she once had a slumber party that was exclusively to binge watch her taped episodes (the other girls who wanted to mess around with spells and the Ouija board weren't thrilled that she couldn't be swayed away from it) and she often drove me from play rehearsals in her convertible with the top down and the theme song blasting to the heavens, much to my delight and mortification. A couple years after we graduated she told me about the piece of fanfic she wrote. Insert a record screech here. What?! You mean there are thousands of stories dedicated to my favorite show? And hundreds more get added every month?! I was obsessed. If I could've stopped working and slept at my computer desk I would have.

What is your relationship like now to X-Files fandom?

Sadly it's nonexistent these days. I have great memories and it holds a big piece of my heart, but I haven't been active in a long time. I would love to see a huge revival, and would definitely want to be involved in that in some way, were it to happen.

Were you involved with any fandoms after the X-Files? If so, what was it like compared to X-Files?

I read a lot of Harry Potter fanfiction for a while, but I never could expend the kind of energy and time I did for the X-Files fandom. It came at a perfect time in my life, and so far nothing else has measured up to it.

Who are some of your favorite fictional characters? Why?

Besides XF characters? Off the top of my head I really love Hermione Granger, Buffy Summers, Elizabeth Bennet, and Claire Fraser for their sass and strength of character, Severus Snape for his complexity, and Christina Ricci's version of Wednesday Addams for her pure awesomeness. She's pretty much my spirit animal.

Do you ever still watch The X-Files or think about Mulder and Scully?

I do occasionally. I watched the series from season 1-7 so many times that I started to burn out, but I get on my X-Files kicks sometimes and binge it again.

Do you ever still read X-Files fic? Fic in another fandom?

Like with the show, I'll get nostalgic and need to consume all the fanfics my greedy little eyes can behold until I move on to something else. It can feel a little lonely though, if you'll excuse the drama. We're not in the heyday anymore, so it feels a little like walking through a ghost town. Many of the stories out there are suspended in time because the show ended, or people stopped writing.

Do you have any favorite X-Files fanfic stories or authors?

I know I have dozens, but I'm drawing a blank. My ultimate favorite is any well-written MSR casefile with UST finally resulting in RST. Those are my unicorns!

What is your favorite of your own fics, X-Files and/or otherwise?

I have a silly one called Baby, It's Cold Outside that I sometimes read around Christmastime. It was a fluffy song-fic, but I can see the scene so clearly in my mind when I read it and it's just pure fun. I also like my Donnie Pfaster series. I can see the potential in my writing with those, which makes me feel I could really write something special someday. Plus, he's such an interesting little slimeball to write and read about. Bless his heart.

Do you think you'll ever write another X-Files story? Or dust off and post an oldie that for whatever reason never made it online?

I still think about the two WIPs I haven't finished. I wrote myself into a corner with This Mortal Coil, and honestly I think it needs a total overhaul. I think Dana Scully's Diary would be a fun one to finish. I hate that I never finished them.

Do you still write fic now? Or other creative work?

I think about writing fanfic now and then and I've had a couple original novels sketched out, but there are so many other demands on my time that I haven't gotten very far. I still plan to see the novels through, even if no one but interested friends and family read them.  

Where do you get ideas for stories?

I used to watch an episode and really study the actors' expressions and actions, always trying to find new angles to the stories we all know. A lot of times things would just come to me and I'd get so excited I couldn't sleep until I wrote a good chunk of it down.

What's the story behind your pen name?

The friend who introduced me to fanfic told me the best way to choose a pen name was to make sure it derives from the show. For a couple days I looked at the titles and summaries of episodes and agonized over just the right name. Finally Piper Maru and the summary from Triangle, which mentions the Sargasso sea, stood out and just clicked.

Do your friends and family know about your fic and, if so, what have been their reactions?

My now husband always knew, and he thought it was cool that I had a hobby that made me so happy, but he was never a reader. My parents found out when I was about 24 and my step-dad would tell EVERYONE about it, much to my horror. Most reactions were of the bland, "Oh yeah? That's nice." variety but I definitely got some weird looks from others. The worst was when I found out how much of my racier MSR stories my parents read. My step-dad thought it was hilarious and teased me a little. My usually open-minded mom was uncomfortable, but tried to be supportive. It's all fun and games until your daughter starts writing psuedo-erotica for anyone to see!

Is there a place online (tumblr, twitter, AO3, etc.) where people can find you and/or your stories now?

Circe Invidiosa very generously hosts a page for me at http://pipers.invidiosa.com.

(Posted by Lilydale on January 26, 2021)

[vampireadam]

New Years Babbling From Adam

Well, I think that we can agree that 2018 was a year held together with the devil’s magic and duct-tape. Good riddance to it. While I am still eagerly awaiting Farmer Boys Dot Com – the gay side site to Farmers Only - and wondering why that dating site doesn’t exist yet (can you imagine how bad the commercials would be?) I want to take a few minutes to to talk to all of you.

Once more I was disappointed by the Science Fiction channel’s lack of courage in refusing to air He’s Alive during their annual Twilight Zone marathon. Seriously. Rod Serling foresaw everything that is going on now with that episode and it is now more important than ever. I encourage all of you to seek out the episode on your streaming service of choice, or which ever is currently hosting it, or to deploy your special antennas to find it.

“Where will he go next, this phantom from another time, this resurrected ghost of a previous nightmare – Chicago? Los Angeles? Miami, Florida? Vincennes, Indiana? Syracuse, New York? Anyplace, everyplace, where there's hate, where there's prejudice, where there's bigotry. He's alive. He's alive so long as these evils exist. Remember that when he comes to your town. Remember it when you hear his voice speaking out through others. Remember it when you hear a name called, a minority attacked, any blind, unreasoning assault on a people or any human being. He's alive because through these things we keep him alive.”

There is a message of hope I think we should all appreciate. It is not a new thing, the police being called of Black People for doing everyday things. Barbecuing, cashing a paycheck, talking to their Mom’s in a hotel lobby. It was never a new phenomenon and you need to understand that to fully appreciate the glimmer of hope in this. This shit was always going on, every day, for decades, for generations. Don’t think for a moment that it is new. What IS new and the side of this that gives me hope…. is that it’s news, is that those idiots who call the cops are being singled out and face repercussions. Racists no longer have license to abuse the emergency response system. They are mocked on social media, fired from their jobs and they are the ones who have their face on the nightly news as the wrong-doer.

This is a step in the right direction, but we cannot let them have a moments peace. Keep mocking them on facebook, keep giving them nicknames on twitter. Keep the pressure on companies to not put up with that crap. I am proud of your efforts and your continuing the fight. A good tip for handling your asshole relatives on facebook is to use their own generation against them. Post lyrics to protest songs from when they were teenagers and in their twenties. Remind them that this shit has been going on their entire life and they dropped the ball; they LOST the fight or worse… they gave up or even fought on the wrong side.

Take time to take care of yourself. Go to the movies, or stream one. Go to a park… well, not a national park – for the time being. Some might still be open but every building within them containing a flush toilet is locked up tight, thus making it a FELONY to need to go to the bathroom in a national park at the moment. I’m just going to leave that thought be because yeah… shits ridiculous. Pun intended. Go to an art gallery or a museum. Or just stay in bed all day for a day. 20 hours of sleep can do wonders for the mind. You can’t fight the fight if you are mentally exhausted.

Drink some coco or coffee. Talk to your fiends. Look at the night sky once in a while and not down at your feet. Breath. Hey... just because Tumblr wont let you upload sketches of dicks and nuts and boobs anymore doesn’t mean that you can no longer draw them. Y’all are some twisted fucks and I love it. Might I make a suggestion? When you take pictures of your art use pennies to cover up the “naughty” bits. That way Tumblr can’t ban the post or they’re banning Abraham Lincoln, and it’s not actually showing anything. And I’m sure he’d find his position hilarious. If it’s digital, photoshop a penny in.

On a personal note… please stop PMing or emailing asking me to “do that evil thing I do so well” and be the bad guy. You need to give me time to set that shit up. I can’t just jump to being a villain …. in the way I’ve been asked to be. I need time to deploy minions and move resources into place. It takes, at minimum, a century of planning and preparation. I will not be overthrowing any government for quite a while. By repeatedly asking me this you are only ending up on some watch lists that you really don’t want to be on. My tech guy is good, but he can’t mask all of those requests.

So the psychics are out in force this week. Making their predictions for the coming year. You ever notice how not one one of them ever predicts the protest marches and the rallies? Those who claim to see the future never seem to see the teenagers and the twenty year olds, or the kids. None of them. It’s almost as if they are blind to you guys. Who thinks of the future but not those who make the future? Idiots. Remember that when it gets tiring. You are up against idiots who forget that you ARE the future.

Now go kick death in the nuts.

[stormblessedcastiel]

The MCU Generation

So I’ve been thinking about Marvel a lot lately. Specifically Infinity War. And I have some Feelings��, so I just thought I’d share. This is probably going to be long and super inaccurate and cringe-y, I don’t mean to offend anyone, but I just wanted to get it out of my system. BTW there will be lots of spoilers.

Iron Man was released in 2008, and many people including me consider it the true beginning of the cultural phenomenon that is the Marvel Cinematic Universe. I was eight years old when it came out, man that makes me feel old. I didn’t really know much about/pay attention to/care about superheroes much at that point, but my dad liked those kinds of movies so I had watched things like the Tobey Maguire spider man movies and Christopher Nolan’s batman movies (the first two were out at that time). They didn’t really hold much interest for me at the time. Iron man rolled around and dad seemed excited about it, but it still just seemed like another comic movie that the family would maybe re-watch if it were on TV or something. No big deal, right? Well, time went on and I started to hear talk about a bigger story. Iron man 2 came out when I was 10, and introduced nick fury and Natasha Romanoff. Still, I paid little mind to the film besides casually enjoying it like any other decent action film. Then came Thor. One year later, we got the first taste of the universe outside of Tony Stark, and that universe was much larger than I had anticipated. Looking back, the first Thor movie was definitely not the best superhero film ever made, but it did a lot of things right. Most importantly, it set the stage for more heroes who quickly joined ranks. It’s at this point that I feel the MCU really started to gain traction, at least from what I was hearing. My eleven-year-old self was beginning to view this collection of movies as something with potential, something to get excited about. In that same year, Captain America: The First Avenger hit the big screen. This is where I became truly and totally hooked. I don’t know what did it, but something about the story, the characters, or the message seemed to grab my full attention. This was the movie that had me craving the next installment. It probably helped that at about twelve years old I was starting to enter the social media world, if only in small doses. I discovered Pinterest and quickly realized that other people around my age (maybe a few years older) were talking about these movies, interacting with each other, making jokes and edits and headcanons. If I wasn’t invested in the MCU characters before then, that changed rapidly. Seeing other people’s takes on what the heroes thought or did off camera, speculation about subtext relationships, comparisons and continuations of themes from the comics, all mushed together to bring me closer to this Story than I had ever been before. So I was ready for Avengers. The Big One. The superhero movie that did what no superhero movie had done before. It brought together a cast from multiple movies into one glorious world-saving group. By this point, everyone could see that this franchise would make an impact. It truly was an entire universe, and we had just touched on the surface of this super team potential. Fans were everywhere; people at school, on the street, in commercials had their favorite heroes’ logo somewhere on their clothing or bag. There had never been (or I maybe just never noticed) such a widely spread media infatuation. 

Then came phase two. Iron man 3, Thor dark world, captain America winter soldier, guardians of the galaxy, age of Ultron, and ant man. These came out between my 13 and 16th birthdays. In my opinion (back then and now), none of these movies were quite up to par with those of phase one, but nostalgia may have already been clouding my judgement, even after just a few years. However, they did give us more characters to love, and also let us enjoy learning more about our old faves. I think this phase was Marvel kind of trying to find their footing in this huge undertaking they just opened up, trying to figure out how to write their stories now that they had to feel like they were in such a large universe?? I don’t know, it just feels like Phase One took place in a box the size of a fridge, and Phase Two now had to try (or at least start) to fill out an entire swimming pool. I was still excited with every new movie announcement and was happy to watch them, but after age of Ultron I feel like I lost a bit of steam. So much that I didn’t see Antman at all when it came out. It just didn’t seem worth it.

Phase Three. Civil War. I think this movie is the turning point for the MCU, into a much darker and somber tone. Inner conflicts among the avengers that have literally been boiling for years come to a head, we see so many characters in the same place, see their stories starting to turn in different directions from each other and we, as fans, are starting to get torn apart. Team Iron Man, Team Cap, and social media is stronger than ever, and more prevalent in my life. We don’t even get a solution at the end of the movie. It ends with both sides hurt, betrayed, and with no clue where to go from here, just like us viewers. It’s fair to say that I was re-invested in this universe once more. Though it hurt, I think Marvel needed to introduce some real, lasting damage to its characters. I feel like this movie took itself more seriously as well. That was 2016. After that, we got Dr. Strange, GotG volume two, Spiderman homecoming, Thor: Ragnarok, and Black panther. While these movies were not perfect either, I think they got a lot closer to what marvel wanted to make their universe feel like. They know what they’re doing now, and we fans got some great new characters out of it, along with a fun new take on some old ones (I’m looking at you, Mr. Waititi). I do want to mention a couple little things about some of these. Spiderman was worrisome for me, because the character had had two separate franchises in the last decade or so. That’s a pretty quick turnover. Let it be known that my fears have been quelled, and Tom Holland is my true Spiderman. (Tobey will hold a special place in my heart though. Sorry Andrew, better luck next time). AND THEN. The sensation that was Black Panther. This was when I was really getting into social media; tumblr, youtube, deviantart, all that jazz. It is also when I started college, so imagine that absolute upheaval of perspective. This movie was so important for minorities, and it caused such a stir just as my life was turned 180 degrees on its head. I didn’t know what to think. But I loved it.

Everything was going good. Marvel was hitting its stride again, life was changing, and my mind was expanding and finding out things that I had never considered before. I was 18 years old.

Then it happened. The one everyone had been waiting for for several years. “The endgame.” 

Infinity War.

Let me tell you what it was like when I sat down in the theater that cold spring day. I had heard whispered rumors. About loss, about death. I brushed them off as speculation, trying not to latch onto any spoilers. I wanted to be totally oblivious as to what was about to happen, so I could experience it as mine and only mine the first time. I sat down in that dark theater with my parents, brother, snacks, tissues, and blanket. Mind you, the tissues were for allergies that had been acting up the past few days. I never cried at movies. Never. The trailers played, my family and I whispered to each other about needing to keep an eye out for this or that film when it came out. Then the lights dropped to almost nothing. We settled in for the long haul as the Marvel logo began to play. You know the one, where it shows clips of the past movies, coming together to form the name of the company? Except this one said “MARVEL STUD10S.” Did you get that? There was a number 10 in the name. I was confused for a minute or so, until it dawned on me that the Marvel Cinematic Universe had been making movies for ten. years. More than half my life. I was still in elementary school when the first Iron Man came out. And now here I was, a year into college, about to watch characters that I had grown up with and come to love, in the movie that people were saying destroyed their souls. At that moment, I knew I was in trouble. I was right. Straight off the bat, we lost my favorite villain who really just needs a hug, one who really was instrumental in bringing the Avengers together in the first place. Loki Odinson, in his own words. Right up till the end, he was a trickster, but he loved his family. He and Heimdall were the first hard losses, though seeing all of Asgard torn to shreds was a wake-up call that no one was prepared for the utter destruction that had been avoided until this film. No more clean Disney kid-friendly-ness anymore. Throughout the movie, we got to see reunions, long-awaited meetings, even more characterization and growth (geez marvel, how did you even fit that in? This is the endgame movie? How are you still teaching us new things about these people?) torture, fighting. The tension to the final battle was mounting, and at some point it became clear to me that the Avengers would not be together when this threat arrived. And as anyone who has ever seen a horror movie can tell you, splitting up only leads to death. Now, here’s where my memory gets a little fuzzy. Things were happening so fast, switching from group to group of heroes trying desperately to stave off the destruction of everything we’ve ever known. Things are going wrong all over the place, no one knows where anyone else is or what they’re doing, people we love are fighting each other because they’ve never met before now. What I do remember is when we get to the fight on Titan. Half of the Guardians, Tony, Peter, Strange. Tensions are running high. When Thanos arrives, I have no Idea what’s about to happen. They start fighting, and we finally get a demonstration of some of the more amazing feats the Infinity Gauntlet can pull off. The upper hand swings back and forth so many times, but finally the heroes get their plan to work, they’ve got Thanos on the ground, the Gauntlet is almost off. And Quill… ruins it. What else can he do? He just found out that his love is dead. So he messes everything up. Thanos gets free, pummels everyone into the ground, and then… gets the stone. Strange gives up the stone, even though he swore he would let a child die before he would ever give up such a dangerous object. What the hell Strange???? Was my immediate reaction. I knew it had to be more than just some newfound compassion for these people he met a day ago (was it actually a day?? Has all of this only happened in one short day?) Obviously the doctor has a plan, but this still seems like the worst possible idea. Now to earth. We get some truly awesome moments here; Bucky and cap’s reunion, Shuri showing off her mad science skillz, epic fight moves against hordes of zombie lizards, Thor’s entrance, his little banter with Steve, “I am Groot” “I am Steve Rogers,” Scarlet Witch dropping in at the last second with that massive power move. Everything seems like it’s going ok, and then suddenly, its not. Everything drops so suddenly into Not OK Town that I can still feel the whiplash. People are scrambling to get to each other, calling for backup, getting knocked down and thrown around, and then Thanos makes his entrance. He practically wipes the floor with our remaining heroes. The only thing standing between the universe and total ruin is Wanda. I’ve been preparing for a scene like this the whole movie, but it didn’t hurt any less to finally see it. Vision begs Wanda to destroy the stone, to destroy him, we all know that she has to give in. That’s what heroes do. So she says goodbye to the man she loves and uses her power on him. Now I don’t know about you, but I feel like I’ve seen this scenario play out before. I’m expecting someone to get there at the last minute and just fricken’ knock Thanos out cold, or maybe discover that Shuri had enough time to basically detach the stone from Vision, even if it didn’t look like it. But no. Wanda destroys the mind stone and Vision actually dies at her hands. Even after all the death that’s already happened in this movie, I was still surprised and devastated.

But they couldn’t just end it like that, could they? Marvel Studios needs to drink every last drop of pain from their fans. 

Thanos moves back the clock. He takes the stone. Vision’s sacrifice was in vain, Wanda had to watch her love die for nothing. Nothing that anyone did made a difference. Since Avengers came out in 2012, these characters have been fighting to keep this evil at bay, to protect the stones, even before they knew it. And now none of it matters. Because Thanos the Mad Titan has all the infinity stones. It’s all over in my mind, I wait for the quintessential Villain Laugh™, the gloating, and then whatever evil thing Thanos has planned. But wait! Thor to the rescue with his brand-new hammer-axe! My heart leaps as he skewers the big purple raisin. He gets his revenge for Loki, for Heimdall, for all of Asgard, for us. Except. except. “You should have gone for the head.”

Wait,

snap. .

.

. My body is rigid and I can only stare unblinking in confusion at the screen. What’s going on? What did you do? WHAT DID YOU DO? Thanos disappears. Everything is quiet. “Where did he go?” Steve asks in confusion, mirroring all of our thoughts exactly.

“Steve?”

We see Bucky walking towards us, and then he just…. Dissolves. Into dust. what’s going on what was that My mind is sluggish. I don’t understand.

Wakandan warriors disappear in the wake of the battle. T’challa tries to help Okoye up but then he’s gone. Groot. Wanda. Sam. Mantis, Drax, Quill, Strange.

And oh god. 

“Mr. Stark? I don’t feel so good.”  Oh god no.  “I don’t know what’s happening, I don’t want to go, I don’t want to go, sir, please, I don’t want to go… I’m sorry.”

Gone.

Through this whole thing, it is silent. No music. Just emptiness, confusion, fear.

And that’s where we’re left. The audience is motionless. I do not cry at movies, but my throat is tight like a noose and my sleeves are soaked from wiping away tears.

Like all good Marvel fans, we remain still in our seats. I try to comprehend what just happened to me as the white credits scroll over a void and dramatic music accompanies them. We wait for our first end-credit scene. Instead, what we get is a fading of the music. Avengers: Infinity War shows from the center of the black screen, and a familiar melody plays. A few slow, simple notes on a piano. The triumphant theme of our heroes, earth’s mightiest protectors. It sounds lonely now. The last note plays, and the title dusts. And I almost scream.

If you’ve read this far, wow! Thank you for reading my absolute monstrosity of a garbage post! It’s been a few months now since Infinity War, and I’ve had time to think. What I figured out was this; when I’m older-old enough to be a parent myself-and looking back on my childhood, these are going to be the movies I remember like my dad remembers Star Wars. I was so lucky to be just the right age when this all started to enjoy every single one, and to remember experiencing them all for the first time. I was just the right age to forge a bond with the characters and their world. I think it was a special kind of bond that only occurs when you’re young but not too young, one that weaves webs of innocence and nostalgia through your most transformative years, and grows with you as you become a new person, and stays with you like a friend even as you see things so differently than when you first started out. What I’m trying to say is that I feel like I grew from child to adult just as the MCU did. We grew together. I don’t know if anyone my age feels the same, but these movies feel like the first big mainstream thing that really belongs to my generation. Like they came at the perfect time to shape me. It feels like they were made for me.

[fansplaining]

Transcript: Episode 73: Ship It

(episode | show notes)

[Intro music]

Flourish Klink: Hi, Elizabeth.

Elizabeth Minkel: Hi, Flourish!

FK: And welcome to Fansplaining, the podcast by, for, and about fandom!

ELM: This is episode 73, "Ship It."

FK: It's "Ship It" and the people who have been following along may know that this is the title of Britta Lundin's new YA novel and we're going to have her on to talk about it.

ELM: Debut novel!

FK: Yes, debut novel! And Britta, if you are not familiar with her, is a writer on Riverdale, the CW show, and she also comes from fandom, specifically X-Files fandom, and then Supernatural, and then various other things. And she was on our show before, talking about Riverdale and being a TV writer, and now she's here to talk about her novel! Or will be here shortly, I should say.

ELM: I believe, since I had to link to it yesterday, it was Episode 43, it was last spring, spring of 2017, and it was about making that transition from fan to pro and still being a fan. And I actually wanted to follow up on that a little with her too, because I feel like especially watching her on Tumblr and the way she engages with the Riverdale fandom, is really interesting to me.

FK: I think so too. I think she's going to have a lot of really good insight into what that relationship is like, having been on both sides of it, which almost no one that we ever get to talk to has.

ELM: Even a lot of the people who are fan to creator, it's often not from the type of fandom that both you and I have spent time in, so maybe that's changing, but.

FK: OK, but before we get calling her though we should probably summarize Ship It at least a little bit, because I'm gonna guess we're going to get into it.

ELM: OK. So for the record Ship It came out, I believe for everyone listening this will be in the past, on May first and you should get a copy ASAP, I'm just gonna say that in advance, order it, purchase or get your library to get a copy.

FK: We are both super obsessed.

ELM: Love this book. Love it.

FK: Super super obsessed.

ELM: Love it. So. The basic premise: there are two alternating protagonists. One is Claire. She's sixteen, I believe. She lives in a very small town in Idaho. We learned about cool farm kids.

FK: An accurate depiction of the farm parts of the Pacific Northwest.

ELM: Yes, from which... from whence?... Britta hails. From which?

FK: From whence I think. I think it's whence.

ELM: From whence! [laughing] So Claire is a fangirl, she is a fanfic writer, not...it seems like a kind of a fanfic writer who stays out of the fray, she talks about how she really doesn't have a lot of fandom friends but she has a lot of followers who read her fic and she engages with them but she's not into ship wars or wank or whatever. But. She ships the two main male characters of this CW like show which clearly seems to be Supernatural to me, I don't know... I don't know! I haven't even seen Supernatural. It was as if...

FK: I mean, the show is called Demon Heart.

ELM: When we had one of our listeners write in to talk about her impressions of Harry Potter after reading Carry On, that's kind of how I feel about Supernatural with this book. I'm like, I got it.

FK: Yeah, you do get it.

ELM: And I've seen the fandom.

FK: It's pretty real.

ELM: So there's two main male characters and that's her ship and she thinks that it should be canon.

FK: Yeah, for real.

ELM: She's trying to sort out her complicated feelings about the ship and she's very reticent at first and over the course of the novel also trying to sort out her sexuality and that's one of the subplots I would describe, because the main plot is about the show and the ship. And the other protagonist is one of the actors in the ship, Forest, who is just a pure dumb boy I would say.

FK: It's like his first kinda big break...

ELM: I like how much affection we have for him. [laughing] He had one Honda commercial once and that was great but he really hasn't had a lot of success, he's like 23, I just...he's trying, but he doesn't get it. He really doesn't get it. So I think I can set up the basic plot, she goes to a convention and he's there, he doesn't even realize all the fans are female. He assumes that because this is a show about two dudes hunting demons who are brothers to the end, he's only understood fans as fan boys.

FK: He's super clueless, like clueless to the nth degree.

ELM: He doesn't understand shipping.

FK: Meanwhile by the way his costar is totally clueful [ELM laughs] having been previously on a fan favorite show and is super chill about it and is like "yeah it's awesome!" Just seems to be slightly stoned and really happy with his life all the time.

ELM: He's our favorite right? He's my favorite.

FK: I'm not sure he's actually stoned in canon, but he seems like the kind of person...

ELM: He'd be happy to, you know. Yeah. He's just very chill. He's genuinely pure, it's not like Forest's pureness, which comes from his dumb ignorance.

FK: But Rico's pureness is real.

ELM: It's his actual personality [laughs] So anyway, at this convention, I feel fine spoiling this because it's kind of a setup for the rest of the book, Claire...she goes to ask a question I believe, about the ship, and they give her a nonanswer and then she just is like "BULLSHIT." And [laughing] shouts at them in the middle of the panel, causes a huge stir!

FK: It goes viral! And so then the very young social media person is like "we have to get on this."

ELM: No it's also the head of PR who's like very classic...

FK: You're right you're right you're right.

ELM: It's a classic Machiavellian shark PR woman who I love also.

FK: And then her henchwoman who is the also fairly pure social media person.

ELM: So the social team or the marketing team decide, well, keep your enemies closer, and set up her to win a contest where she gets to accompany them for the rest of the convention tour. And thus begins a fraught relationship between her and all the people making this show, where she wants the show to canonize her ship, and the dumb man showrunner is just like "I know exactly what you're talking about and also fuck you."

FK: Yeah but she is very much not taking fuck you for an answer. She's like ON A MISSION to convince them.

ELM: It's really something! One thing I love about her too is simultaneously with these adults she's kind of... slightly unhinged in her boldness with them, which I love, and then in her personal life where she's trying to sort out her sexuality and she's got a potential love interest she's just confused. And I appreciated that part about the book too because it let her sit in that ambivalence and not really have any of the answers, and that was fine. You get to decide how you feel about that in your own time. But with the girl herself she makes some bad decisions I would say.

FK: But it is a very charming YA romance I would say.

ELM: Do you think that summarizes it? I feel like that sets it up well. Basically you've got fans and you've got creators and they're trying to understand each other. They're actually...some of them are not trying to understand each other. That's part of the thing. It's about this transition into good faith attempts to understand each other I would say.

FK: I would agree. OK. I think that sets it up, so should we call Britta?

ELM: Yeah, let's call her!

[Interstitial music]

FK: Alright, it's time to welcome Britta onto the podcast. Welcome Britta!

Britta Lundin: Helloooooo it's so good to be back!

ELM: Yeah, welcome back to the podcast!

FK: It's true! You are a repeat guest.

ELM: How does it feel to be back?

BL: Like one of the highest honors probably.

ELM: Wow.

BL: In the fan podcast universe.

ELM: [laughing] You just lowered the stakes.

FK: [laughing] The bar just went [downward noise]

BL: It's an important community and this is a high honor for that community.

ELM: Alright, all right.

FK: Now that we've been slightly negged...

ELM: Negging works though, right?

FK: Totally works for me!

BL: I have a feeling we're gonna have a good hour long conversation now because of that neg.

ELM: That's right. Just keep wearing us down subtly the whole time.

FK: Oh my God. [all laughing]

ELM: All right, obviously we're gonna mostly talk about the book, which spoiler, we're both obsessed with. We just wanted to get that out of the way.

FK: Which by the way if you want a spoiler free conversation about the book I think probably you should read it before listening to this? I don't know, it's hard to say. What do you think we should do? We'll say spoilers if we're gonna spoil something, right?

BL: I think that we can do the sort of spoiler where we're lightly spoiling things and talking in vaguenesses without going deep on the ending or something like that. Is that OK?

FK: Yeah I think it's OK! We'll try, we'll see what happens.

ELM: OK. So we're gonna talk about the book at length but first, how's your year been?

BL: [laughs] Personally, career-wise it's been great. I feel like you have to clarify that in this day and age.

ELM: Wait, did you see the...it wasn't a gifset, it was stills that were going around in late December and it was from...it might have been Big Fat Quiz of the Year, some round up British quiz show, and Jimmy Carr was saying to David Mitchell "how was your year," and he said something like "personally it's been adequate, but internationally it's a total disaster" or something. It's delivered in perfect David Mitchell, it's, you know. That felt really right for me as well.

BL: I relate to that, yeah. It's been good. The last time we talked I was in the middle of writing Season 1 of Riverdale, and I was writing the first draft of the book, and now we are talking again and we've finished writing Season 2 of Riverdale, the book comes out next week. [FK yelps]

FK: It'll be this week!

BL: It'll be this week! It comes out May 1, so whatever that is in your personal timeline. [all laugh]

ELM: Possibly in the past.

FK: Probably in the past for many listeners.

BL: Probably already out for you. So tell me how that is! Because to me that's still weird and bizarre. And then we're gonna start writing Season 3 of Riverdale in just a couple more weeks, so everything is still truckin' along despite the wildfire disaster that is our government!

ELM: Yes. You're not responsible for that, don't worry.

BL: Great.

ELM: One thing I would love to know, and we got a lot of feedback, people loved your episode, I think it's one of the all time faves, not to put too much pressure on you for this one.

BL: Not at all.

FK: Pressure's totally on you it's fine.

ELM: Kind of. I think that a lot of people really appreciated, and I think we knew this going in, but you had this really unique position as a genuine true person who straddles the fan-creator interaction and I'm wondering how that looks to you a year on. I have to imagine that's evolved as you've gotten deeper into not just writing this book but as Riverdale, cause you had kind of just started and now it's really something that's much more solid.

BL: Yeah, I feel like when we spoke last I don't remember exactly when it was but we had been writing for awhile and I think that we hadn't started airing yet, or we had just started airing, and so our fan base was growing but small, and now our fan base is firmly entrenched. There is a fandom. The top ships are what they are, and they're every week they're on Fandometrics on Tumblr and you can see them there.

ELM: Multiple ships from Riverdale are on that list, right?

FK: It's funny though, in retrospect, because when we spoke to you last you were like "holy shit, my DMs are blowing up and everything's happening!" and it seemed like it was really overwhelming then.

BL: It was!

FK: You were super excited! And yet it only grew.

BL: It only grew from there and now...for awhile it was really hard to figure out how I was gonna deal with it because my instinct was to respond to everybody and give everyone a thoughtful answer about why we did it the way we did it and I can understand where you're coming from, and every time I got a new DM I would have to restrain myself and now my go-to is that I don't respond to anything unless it's a screenwriting question or a career question or a personal question. I don't respond to anything that starts with a "will," like "will this happen on Riverdale," "will my ship do this," "will Betty do this," nothing like that.

ELM: You do on Tumblr from time to time, you do a very "LOL I'm not gonna tell you" kind of response. They're like "will this happen?" and you're like "you think?"

BL: "You think I'm gonna tell you that?"

ELM: "I'm not gonna fall for this one!" Very clearly a policy. And I find them hilarious every time, I don't know how the askers feel but I think that's a fine response. [laughing]

BL: I don't know how the askers feel either. The thing I have to keep reminding myself is you know nothing about the person on the other side of this question. They could be a total...they could be an adult like you, who's also a fan, or they could be 13 years old and living in Slovakia. You literally have no idea. So it's hard to remember that when I'm about to answer in a funny or condescending or snarky way. You don't know how this person's gonna take that answer!

But mostly I'm just very conscious of the fact that I don't want something I say to be considered...if somebody's like, "what did it mean when Betty told Jughead this?" and I'm like "Oh, here's what we meant when we wrote that, here's what we discussed in the writer's room when we wrote that line," that might be a fun interesting anecdote for one viewer, but for another viewer it might mean "OK, so it's canon that Betty said this line to Jughead because XYZ." And suddenly it's canon because I answered a Tumblr DM. Or is it canon? It's like...a little asterisk next to canon that's like "this was what was on the screen but then Britta elaborated this on her Tumblr and then we believe this..." so it's just extrapolating in this way where I don't, this is why I don't answer those questions. I want fandom to decide all that stuff for themselves and just let the show stand on its own and not tell them what to think about what's on the show, tell them what we were thinking when we created it. The show is the show and from there it's yours to decide what to do with it.

FK: I imagine that must be even harder because you've also got the actors in the mix. They may not read the same scene in the same way, and they may not have played it that way or thought they were playing it that way, right? But then...

BL: And they have to do a lot more interviews and media than I do! So they're constantly on a camera and people thrusting a microphone in their face asking them "what did you think about this scene?" and sometimes they say stuff like "I thought the scene meant this" and it's like, OK, well, that's not what I thought the scene meant, but now you have that actor's interpretation as part of the conversation about that scene.

ELM: I feel like despite all that, fans are always...I feel like there's a bit of a hierarchy, obviously people put a lot of stock in what actors say, but I feel like most fans acknowledge that the writers are the...if you have to put a hierarchy of who decides what's canon, I think that the writers are gonna be on top. I don't know, maybe that's not true. Maybe there are a lot of fans out there who are like "what the actor thinks is..." But I just feel like you see more often people being like "that's what the actor," if they don't like what the actor's saying, "they're just this dumb actor, the writers are the ones that are creating the work."

BL: I think it totally depends on if they agree with the actor or not! [all laughing]

FK: The joy of having something that's done by so many people as a group is that you can always find someone who probably agrees a little bit more with your view of this.

ELM: I kinda want to transition into the book but it's sort of in a transition question way!

FK: I feel like this is very relevant to the book, right?

ELM: One of the huge things I was wondering, not necessarily thematically but relevant to me asking how your year has been, is I'm wondering if you could speak in any way to how this book has changed as you have spent more time in your current job. If it has at all.

BL: I'll answer it in a way that you didn't mean the question, and then I'll answer it in a way that you did mean the question.

ELM: Sure! The question is open to your interpretation.

FK: Answer the question you wanted to be asked, not the question you actually were asked.

BL: The first way it's changed is that over the last two years, since I sold the book to now when it's being published, I've been in the writer's room for the breaking and writing of 13 episodes Season 1 and 22 episodes Season 2, so that's 35 episodes of television. And during that process, I have learned so much about how to break a story and how to write conflict and drama and create characters that are memorable that I think I as a writer am fundamentally a better writer now than I was two years ago. I could feel it happening over Season 1. Oh my God, this is more writing in a very short period of time than I've done in my life, even when I was in film school. It's just a very intense process.

So when I look at the book, I can look at the beginning of the book and the end of the book and I feel like I can see myself become a better writer by the time I get to the end of the book in this way that...it's probably one of those things that nobody else notices, but I can feel myself growing more confident and secure in my writing by the end. So that's one way that being in the Riverdale writer's room has changed it.

But I think you're asking about how has being a TV writer helped me understand this story about TV writing. Which is...I talked to a lot of people when I was writing this book. PR people, actors, people who worked in marketing, screenwriters, fans...lots and lots of fans...to make sure that I was getting things right about the experience. And not right like in a technical way. Some of the details are fudged here and there about how this would actually happen. But right in an emotional way. So then when I got into the Riverdale room, I saw a lot of stuff happening firsthand that I didn't have to ask people about anymore. I was seeing it for myself.

Some of the stories in the book are literally pulled from conversations I've had with friends. There's a moment where, for example, Forest is about to go on stage at this Comic-Con and someone's like "your shirt's not nerdy enough," they make him take it off and they have a bag of other shirts and they hand him a nerdier shirt, "this will go over better with this crowd." That's a story I got directly from a friend who was working with an actor who saw this happen backstage at Comic-Con. And so that's the kind of thing that I'm talking about. That's not something from Riverdale by the way. [ELM laughing] It was somebody else.

FK: I did really like that there was that little character moment where at first he has to wear a shirt that's nothing like him and then later on he gets to wear the shirt that's of the thing he's actually a fan of! I was like oh Britta you did that and it was so charming!

BL: Oh good I'm glad! Yeah, everyone's a fan of something. Even people who don't think they're fans are totally fans they just don't realize it yet.

ELM: I cannot believe your reference to the Buffalo Bills. [all laughing]

BL: I'm so happy I reached you!

ELM: I mean, I don't think you understand...

BL: Knives to the heart.

ELM: As a Buffalo Bills fan...the line was, what was it? Why is fanfic more embarrassing than liking the Buffalo Bills or Bruce Springsteen or a couple of other items and my response to that is nothing is more embarrassing than liking the Buffalo Bills. It's fine. Look, we went to the playoffs this year, after the longest drought in the history of professional sports in America.

BL: That's pretty embarrassing. I can't believe that you're admitting this on a public podcast.

ELM: I mean, what are you gonna do? No. More embarrassing is when we went to the Super Bowl four years in a row and we lost every time. [FK laughing at her] That was formative for me as a young person. But. Enough about me and my sad, sad fandom. I'm wondering about you personally. We talked a lot, and I want to talk more, about how you feel about all the themes in this book about the idea of what belongs...what's canon? What's fanon? What is interpretation? Queerbaiting, and shipping, and all of these big themes that I think you handled in a really nuanced way. There's a diversity of opinions throughout the book, on the fan and creator sides. But I'm wondering if your perspectives on all this stuff have changed now that you're in a writer's room in a more permanent way... Permanent, I don't know.

BL: Permanent, wow!

ELM: You know what I mean?

FK: More established.

ELM: Yeah, more established. You could quit your job and become a nudist sculptor.

BL: I'm not counting it out, it could happen.

ELM: She was also a great character in the book. I love that mother so much. [laughing]

BL: I think...You know, one of the biggest things I learned about how TV gets made when I started working on Riverdale is it's just incredibly messy. So as a fan, when you're watching, every decision that seems intentional and obvious and clear cut...it could have been...or it could have been the result of weird scheduling problems or weird money budgeting problems, like budgeting plays a huge role in what creative decisions do or don't get made on TV. Or it could be because an actor's kid got sick and they stayed home from work that day to take care of their kid so you're looking at a scene as a fan and you're like "why is one half of my OTP not in this scene, clearly the writers hate my OTP," and it's like no, actually, his kid was puking. That's a made up reason, Cole Sprouse does not have a child to my knowledge. [all laughing]

FK: TO YOUR KNOWLEDGE.

BL: To my knowledge.

FK: This is how rumors get started, Britta!

ELM: The example in the book, what seemed like a really shippy moment for the fans, and the actor Forest was grateful because the other actor Rico gave him a coat cause he was cold. He was just feeling the bonds of friendship.

BL: And also I love line where he's like, if I can quote my own work to you to say how much I love it.

ELM: Yes. You wrote it and you should quote it.

FK: You can definitely do that.

BL: Where she's like "what are you feeling in that moment, it looks like you're feeling love," and he's like "I don't know it was a split second captured on camera 6 months ago!" And it's true that he was just spending a night in the woods. His life has been a long and rich tapestry and he's had many feelings over the course of it [all laugh] but this one was captured on camera and pulled out and put on screen and someone giffed it and now you can watch it over and over again in slow motion, this one micromoment of this guy's life, over and over again, dissect it and figure out what it means.

That's part of the fun of fandom but it's also really freaky to the guy who's like "I don't know what I was feeling! That was a long time ago, and it was so fast, I have no idea!" That dynamic.

FK: I really appreciated you bringing the RPF aspects of this into it because I felt like that was...that's where it gets even...there's this moment, you're in one level, and then it's like "We have to go deeper!" Here we are and now we're in RPF land and oh, shit, cause then it's not just a moment...at least he knew that there was a camera on him in that moment. There was something intentional about that, or at least he was aware that it was going to be shown to people, whereas I think if you're on a convention stage you know on some level that it's gonna be shown to people but it's not the same thing. Or whatever, someone's greeting a fan and then those expressions get obsessively [laughing] picked apart.

BL: Totally. I actually had a lot of conversations with my editor about RPF for this, which was great. My editor's so great and so smart about writing and didn't know much about fandom at all, which was actually really good, to have fresh eyes on this. Does she understand what's happening even though she didn't know what shipping was when she started this project?

And one of the things she wondered was, during the course of the story Claire crosses the line and writes some RPF that's too personal. That uses personal information that Forest told her which he didn't think she would then blast out to all of fandom. So that's something, an instance where she crosses the line and does something she shouldn't have, overreaches. An invasion of privacy. So at the end of the book she apologizes for that. This is one of those light spoilers we talked about, I think it's OK.

ELM: I think it's alright.

BL: My editor was like, should she apologize...basically she was like, should she apologize for writing RPF at all? And I was like, no. This is something I want to be really clear about. Because she writes RPF earlier in the book and I don't think that's as big of a deal, because it's RPF of these two guys' public personas, of yes, they're the actors, but it's about who they're putting forward in the world, as opposed to RPF of their true selves using private information that they don't intend for the broader audience to know.

So I had to write her an email of "here's why one RPF is OK and the other RPF is crossing the line," and she was like, OK, well, you seem to be very clear on this topic so I'm gonna trust you on this. I was like, no, yeah, I've been following the discourse and this is where I've decided I land. [all laugh]

ELM: You know, the first RPF scene totally faked me out?

BL: Good, good!

ELM: That was the intent, I'm assuming.

FK: It was going to fake you out, also because one of the things Elizabeth had asked me was...

ELM: Before I read the book...

FK: She was like, is this going there? Is this book...

ELM: I was like "that seems like too many."

FK: Too many ships. Too many.

ELM: Too many things to conquer. But I stopped paying attention to the headers and then I didn't even notice that that one didn't, you know, the chapter headers about who the narrator was. I cackled out loud when I realized what was going on and my cat did a double take. Good cat.

BL: So what Elizabeth is talking about if you don't know is the book is told in two perspectives, one from Claire who's the fanfic writer, and one from Forest, who's the actor in the ship, one half of the OTP. But then interspersed throughout Claire writes fanfic, and much like Rainbow Rowell's Fangirl there will be a short chapter of fanfiction in there. And there's one that's a bit of a fake out. Which I'm glad, because I was worried as soon as we added those chapter headers that it wouldn't fake anyone out, so I'm glad it did.

The reason that's there is that I wanted people who have never shipped anything in their lives to read that and it ends abruptly right before they go into the kiss and I wanted their little hearts to go, [gasp] "but I wanted them to kiss!" [all laugh] That's shipping! Right? They have it yanked away from them right before they get the moment that they were waiting for. And if anybody who never has read gay fanfiction in their lives reads that and suddenly is like "OH! But I wish it had kept going!" It's like OK, then you're in it. That's what I need from you.

ELM: I also think that when, what was it, when I sent you that message saying "I can't believe you're getting me to read about Destiel by proxy," and I'm like, still slightly resentful of you for this...but I will say...

FK: It's such a rich vein to mine!

ELM: So I've never seen Supernatural and Flourish, you're different than me on this, I don't really get...it's hard for me to read fic for something I'm not in the fandom of, even old fandoms that I'm not currently in, right? A lot of people really vary on this. I know Flourish is often up for a good story regardless of her true emotional connection. So the fic that's the SmokeHeart fic, I was like OK, whatever. They were well written, I'm not saying they were bad chapters or whatever, but I didn't feel any emotional investment. But the RPF section, because I was with those characters, I felt emotional investment in that, which I found very funny, cause I was like... cause I didn't actually have context for the fictional show. I understand her feelings for it, but I'm not a fan of Demon Heart.

FK: I will say that as someone who has watched Supernatural, all the SmokeHeart bits...

ELM: I will not be a fan of the...

FK: I think a little bit like in Rainbow Rowell if you were into Harry Potter and it's like oh, you're a parody! Oh, oh, this is a parody of everything! It's an accurate parody! Wearing Carhartt things and being men and having long staring into each other's eyes talks and oh my God I can't. Yeah. It was very pointed.

BL: Well I'm glad!

ELM: Look, when I read Fangirl too, if I hadn't been a Harry/Draco shipper back in the day I'm not sure that...those scenes instantly, boom, the exact, and they were so Harry/Draco fanfictiony. Same with Carry On. It's not anything to do with, I mean, it's not disconnected from the original Harry Potter but it's so much about that kind of fanfiction, so I believe I understand what it is to be connected to Dess-tiel. Dee-stiel?

BL: You can just say Dean/Cas if you want.

ELM: Wow, you're gonna let me do the old school one?

BL: Yeah, yeah! I'm all about that. I never really liked Destiel as the name anyway. But when I was writing Demon Heart, I had to create the fake TV show within the book, and have it be shippable enough that it was undeniable that Claire would ship it. And so yeah, there's heavy dashes of Supernatural in Demon Heart, but there's also a splash of Teen Wolf in there and a little bit of Buffy in there.

FK: Oh yeah, it's not a direct...an exact. But it's enough. It's definitely a CW show. If someone, if I read that pilot I'm like "oh, this pilot is definitely gonna be picked up on the CW cause that's where it belongs!"

ELM: Don't forget the part where they say there's no one else to ship them with because they killed off all the women.

FK: It's true! [all laughing]

ELM: That was extraordinarily to the point. On point. Yeah. So.

BL: That was a subtweet.

FK: Also even the idea that people are shipping these two characters and we don't want them to ship them so we'd better introduce someone else. Please! Let's stop everybody from wanting Dean and Sam to get together cause that's iffy!!!! [all laughing] Yes, yes, small people who were not there in Supernatural fandom prior to Destiel existing, this was the big drama and the discussion around why Castiel had to show up. Cause he's not a brother and so it's OK.

ELM: Are people who were not watching Supernatural 12 years ago small people? [all laughing] C'mon, as we know the young people think of them as dads.

BL: Yeah. They do.

FK: Yeah.

ELM: Adopted by Dean and Sam.

FK: Yeah, it's true. I really never felt more old than the moment that I realized that that had turned that corner.

ELM: Sorry, that's the way it is.

FK: The moment where the "dad" is not a joking "dad" it's an actual "you are a dad."

BL: One day all your faves will be dads.

FK: I KNOW. I know. It's frightening.

ELM: Didn't I tell you that all my faves have always been dads? I was talking about this with Flourish. My first fandom online was Buffy, and literally the only character I cared about was Giles. Literally only. Absolutely no one else.

FK: And before that...

ELM: I wrote fic JUST about Giles.

FK: Before that you were into Sweet Valley High and what did you write about Sweet Valley High?

ELM: Yeah I traumatized my friend the other day who thought we were gonna bond over our love of some random female character in Sweet Valley High and I had to inform her that my Sweet Valley High fandom when I was 12, did you read Sweet Valley High?

BL: I did not, I was too gay for that.

ELM: Yeah. So I was really into, there's the twins, and the superficial twin, her best friend is this obnoxious rich girl and she has an emotionally absent father and I wrote massive sprawling fanfiction about him and his company and his corporate world.

BL: Wait, I've heard this. Is he involved in plastics?

ELM: Silicon chips actually. Did we talk about this in the last one too?! [laughing]

BL: I think we did! I think we did, this sounds familiar.

ELM: I swear I don't talk about this in every episode. You bring it out in me! My obsession, and I checked out every book in the middle school library on self made men.

BL: Wow.

ELM: And told everybody I wanted to be a ruthless businesswoman. [laughter] Giving you a little insight into my sixth grade self.

FK: But this is a really good question actually...a really good question, there's no question there.

ELM: Just dads.

FK: This is something interesting to me because you're talking about checking out the books in the middle school library and one of the things I thought was interesting in Ship It was that the two major fan characters have different attitudes towards being a fan. One of them is like...

ELM: Yeah, I wanna dig into that!

FK: One of them is like "I can't tell my friends that I am into Demon Heart because it's too nerdy and I just can't," and the other one is like "yeah everyone knows it and you may think that means I'm confident but in actuality I just have no friends so I therefore don't care because who could judge me! Who can even judge me." And I thought that that was really interesting because I was trying to cast my mind back to being in high school and feeling whether people were judging me or not and it just seemed like such a foreign land to me now. I was like "oh, I can't even remember what that was like!"

ELM: You were weird. You're a terrible example, Flourish.

BL: Yeah Flourish that's true.

FK: I'm not using myself as an example, I'm just trying to put my...

ELM: You are literally the worst example.

FK: I just can't even remember what, it's not just what I thought about it but what other people thought about it. I was interested to know...

ELM: Britta, what did you think about it?

FK: Yeah.

ELM: You seem like a less terrible example.

BL: First of all I think you need to do an episode where you bring back middle school classmates of Flourish's and ask them what they thought of Flourish.

FK: Oh my God.

ELM: That is an extraordinary idea. Let's do it with multiple ages.

FK: AGH.

ELM: Someone who went to college with Flourish also, just like you, and hear some stuff.

BL: Flourish is dying because it's such a good idea [as Flourish wails]

ELM: This is your life, embarrassment.

BL: I know...you know, I struggled with that a little bit because I don't know what it's like for kids these days cause I went to middle school and high school a decade ago. But I know what it was like when I was in seventh grade and I discovered the X-files and I went HARD on the X-files immediately. I joined the fan club and I got some swag and I had a T-shirt that I loved, that I was...

ELM: Did you wear that to school?

BL: I wore it to school under an oversized plaid shirt that would cover it. But I knew it was there, and so...I had a picture of Mulder and Scully that I'd pulled out of a VHS tape and I kept it in my bag and when I would get stressed out or when things would get really hard or something I would pull it out and look at it. And it would calm me down.

ELM: This is so pure.

BL: I know! I had friends who liked the X-files, but it was a different level. They just liked watching the X-files, but for me the X-files was something much more. There was an emotional connection there that went way deeper, and it was just clear from a young age that I was feeling things harder than my classmates felt things. So from that it was clear that it was not something that I should be public about or talk too much about and certainly being on X-files fan forums and debating fan theories nad reading fanfiction was definitely not something I ever talked about.

So having this secret online persona that Tess has, and Tess is the love interest of Claire in the book, who is secret about her fandom, that was something I definitely relate to. At a certain point I had to come out as a fan and that's kind of a bad terminology because it's not the same as coming out as gay but it might feel the same for some people a little bit at times. And I came out as gay before I came out as a fan [laughs] but as a fan once I started, it was really when I started writing Ship It and talking about it that I would talk to other people and I'd be like "oh I'm writing this," at the time it was a screenplay, "I'm writing this screenplay about gay fanfiction" and they would be like "Oh, my God! You read gay fanfiction too!" People were coming out of the woodwork to tell me about their weird Social Network OTP or whatever that they loved.

So that's when I was like, oh, there's a lot of other people who kept this part of their life secret as well. That's something I wanna talk about, because there's a line in the book where someone says "you should never be ashamed to love the things that you love," and it's true. It's something Tess has to learn, not to be ashamed of loving this weird genre show that's on a small network, and it's something that Claire has to learn when she's coming to terms with her sexuality, not to feel ashamed of being queer.

ELM: I'm wondering if it was conscious. Cause it is tricky when you think about actual teens right now. While I don't think every teen in fandom is running around putting it as their yearbook quote or whatever, I do think teens these days are inherently...a lot of them do have a different relationship to it and fandom spaces are really different. You may have a fandom Twitter but you might not. Or you might not draw those distinctions, or...and so I felt like the way that you sidestepped that, whether that was intentional or not, by having Tess be friends with popular girls, actually was a great way to kind of get around that because yeah. It's not...what are the odds that this cool girl in her cool girl clique is also gonna be able to actually talk about this in any way? Because those stigmas obviously, are you gonna be the head cheerleader and a top fanfiction writer? Not that they're cheerleaders, but you know what I mean.

BL: Right. They were on the dance team actually.

ELM: Oh, OK, yeah, alright.

BL: One of the things I think is maybe different about a lot of the more mainstream fans is, for example, I'm on Twitter and Tumblr and all over the place followed by a bunch of Riverdale fans. And there are so many, for example, Bughead fan accounts. And their username will be something like Bughead but with three A's or something like that. And that, I think, feels slightly more mainstream, but Bughead is a canon het ship. And I think maybe there's a difference between shipping something like that, which is validated and endorsed by the show and every time you watch the show you feel like your viewpoint is valid, and you feel like this is what you're supposed to be feeling when you watch the show, as opposed to shipping a non-canon slash ship that may never go canon, that every time you watch the show makes you feel like you might be seeing things, you might be delusional, you might be hysterical, all those things.

ELM: Watching it in opposition to the text, yeah.

BL: So I feel like you look at Tess's friends, and I was trying to be careful with how I portrayed them cause I didn't want them to be evil popular girls.

ELM: I didn't mean to draw them that way.

BL: No, no, I'm glad you brought it up, because it was something that I thought a lot about because I think there's that stereotype can be rooted in misogyny, so I wanted to be careful about portraying them as the kind of girls who maybe wouldn't be open to this kind of fandom, who might be open to a Bughead fandom for example. But also, you can understand why Tess is keeping this part of her life secret and is just like, you know what, maybe it's safer not to talk about this part of my life with my friends. They don't have to know everything about me. Some stuff can just be secret on the internet.

ELM: Tess and Claire also have opposing viewpoints about canon versus fanon.

FK: Which it was such a relief, by the way, to see this in a book that someone was writing about fandom, because I feel like most books about this...I don't know, it's not that they don't address it but it seems like it's never a central thing and this was very clearly a central part of this book. I was like PHEW. Cause this is one of the biggest conversations!

ELM: I'm going to press this on everyone I know who has anything to do with this in real life, FYI. I'm gonna hand sell it to anyone who asks me any question ever about fan-creator interaction.

BL: OK great.

ELM: Just FYI.

BL: Great! And I think if it could just be required reading for any up and coming actor who gets cast in a sure to be fandom favorite...

FK: I like that you're like "Read my book, buddy, read my book."

BL: That would be great.

FK: Are you gonna personally gift it to every actor on Riverdale? [laughs]

BL: I think that would go poorly for me. [all laugh]

FK: I'm sure it would but I just had the vision of it. [all laughing]

BL: Oh oh ok. Canon.

ELM: Fanon and canon. Obviously I'm a little curious to know...cause actually I don't know where you stand on this. And again, wondering if your feelings have shifted over time as you started to see the other side of things. If you have opinions about this. My feelings vary.

BL: OK. So let's dive into it. One of the central questions of the book is Claire wants her slash ship to go canon for two reasons, one she looks at the show and she thinks well, obviously they're in love. Clearly. Any person who watches this would see that. So just do it, ya dummies! What's so hard about that? So first of all she ships and she wants her ship to go canon, that's an actual reason you can understand.

And the second reason is this social justice reason which is she wants to see more queer people on TV. And I think those two things get conflated a lot and they're two separate ideas. And so I think that's important.

So in the book I try to pick them apart a little bit, which is...with the first reason, you have people like Tess who question why is it important that your ship go canon? Your ship. You can read the fanfic of it and the fanfic, let's be real, is frequently better than whatever the source material is in the first place. And you can read a million different versions of it in a million different ways and you can satisfy any whim you might have through fanfiction. So why is it important that the showrunner, or the writer, or the screenwriter, make it go canon when you can just have it be canon in your heart? So there's that argument, which I understand and I believe a lot, and there are a lot of things that are canon in my heart that aren't canon in reality, and a lot of things that are canon in reality...

FK: [laughing] that are not canon in my heart! I'm looking at you, X-files. Right now. I'm personally staring you in the eye.

BL: Yup, yup. Yup. Yuuuuuuuuuup. OK. So that was something I wanted to talk about. And another thing is the social justice thing, which I do think there is a strong leg to stand on when you want more queer characters in a world in which most of the media we consume is based on big franchises, or is based on something else. It's great to have original queer characters coming out into the world...not coming out, but entering the world. But another really important way to get queer characters in our media is to take characters that already exist that people previously assumed were straight and turn them queer and that goes for Captain America and it goes for Elsa and it goes for Dean Winchester and Sherlock Holmes and it goes for all of them because if you don't do that then all the burden is on up and coming writers to create brand new queer characters that are not necessarily gonna have all of the weight and importance that these characters that already have huge franchises behind them have.

So I feel like there's something to be said for that. Where you get into trouble is when you start to assume the only way to have queer representation is if MY ship goes canon. It's not about you and it's not about your ship. It can be important for these ships to go canon, that can be really great, and it can help improve our media landscape, but I think you have to pick apart your own personal feelings about your ship with the desire to have more queer characters on TV. Cause if ten new queer characters are introduced, but your ship didn't go canon, that's still a win. That's still a good thing.

ELM: I was very impressed with how subtly you picked that one apart. Because this is obviously a theme we talk a lot about, our listeners think a lot about because we talk about it constantly so.

FK: All the time.

ELM: Discussing shipping does not equal activism. And I thought it was really masterfully done the way there were a number of angles you came at it. Some of it was exposing a bit of the hypocrisy of it, in terms of well, you care so much about these two, these men in these bodies, that kind of thing. Talking about lack of other representation. I don't know, even the...you're skirting around femslash stuff too, which I thought was really interesting and I'm actually wondering if you have, and maybe this is too thorny to go into right now.

BL: No no we can talk about femslash.

ELM: Even a suggestion of this disconnect between a queer woman, possibly exclusively a lesbian, she hasn't...well, is it a spoiler to say she doesn't know?

BL: That's fine! That's her big question in the book, how is she gonna identify by the end?

ELM: Right. All the references to femslash were very interesting to me, some of them in the sense of...I don't think it's a huge spoiler to say that line at the end Caty has where she says, when she started reading femslash things kinda came into focus for her. I'm wondering if you could...Caty being a queer woman. And I'm wondering if you could talk a little about that and if you had your own personal feelings about that.

BL: Yeah, I mean, I think Claire is someone who ships a slash ship, and over the course of the book confronts her own sexuality and tries to figure out how she identifies. She meets Tess, she starts to feel feelings for Tess, but she doesn't know does that make me queer, am I just...is this just a phase, is it a one off thing if I come out because I like this one girl what if I never meet another girl who I like again and then I have to un-come-out in the future...

FK: I felt that so hard! [laughing] I was like THIS IS SUCH AN ACCURATE PORTRAYAL OF TRYING TO FIGURE OUT HOW YOU IDENTIFY.

BL: Yeah! When you're young, you haven't had that many experiences to try to make a straight line out of them, to understand what is my sexuality. And also sexuality is so squishy and hard to put a label on already. Claire's struggling with all of that. And then I think she's reading a lot of slash fic and I think this is something I've seen a lot is that women read slash fic...reading femslash is a little too on the nose, or close to home. You know what I mean? Maybe you're having questioning feelings, you can read slash and there's a level of removal there where you can relate to that and maybe explore those queer feelings without having to actually be thinking about yourself and your own body and you with another woman, cause that might be really scary or too much to even think about.

So I think that's kind of what Claire's doing and along the way she has these moments where someone's like "have you thought about femslash?" There's a moment where she's having her first makeout with Tess where she gets to a certain point and she doesn't actually know what to do after that, and the thought comes unbidden to her mind, "maybe if I read more femslash I would know what to do right now!" [all laughing]

ELM: I laughed out loud at that part. And thinking about her googling male/male sex in the beginning, too. She's just like, "I don't know." Also yesterday Flourish and I saw the Cursed Child, which we don't need to go into right now, but there was a lot of teen foolishness.

FK: Oh my God there was so much teen foolishness!

ELM: We were watching each other because it was just so...and the kissing scene in this book also made me feel like TEENS! She's so [all laughing] brutally awkward it's so good.

FK: Every brutally awkward teen interaction...I found the whole book was actually very subtle in a great way. It wasn't just the things about teen awkwardness or the ways people were talking. It was also the big stuff. Like for instance I kept laughing about how Forest's entire career dream is to be in a fucking video game movie. I was just sitting here being like "of course that is what the lead in a CW show dreams of." But also, oh man, oh bro, oh man bro. Oh bro. Chris Pratt might be in the running but like...it's like a boat payment for him and for you it's never gonna get you where you wanna be bro! There were all those little moments and it was on both the fan side and the industry side I was just [laughs helplessly]

Or the showrunner having the jealousy of his friend from film school who had hit it big as a director. I was like, oh. You just slipped that knife in and twisted.

ELM: The most brutal knife for the showrunner was when you described him as like the kid from E.T. but old. [all laughing] That was the harshest thing in the book. Ohhhh it was so good.

BL: But you can immediately picture it!

ELM: I got it, I got it! All your descriptions of all the showrunner types, or the Hollywood man types, I thought were really brutal and beautiful.

FK: They were very accurate descriptions of Hollywood man types!

BL: I've met a bunch of 'em at this point!

FK: And Rico was also like, there he was. Bein' his beautiful self. Sort of a...

ELM: Rico is by far the best person in the whole book. I'm just gonna come out there and say it. Do you think that's too much?

BL: Rico for those of you who might be wondering, I don't think we've introduced him yet, is the other half of the OTP.

FK: You're so good at this.

ELM: Who's listening to this at this point who hasn't read this book?

FK: Most people because it's gonna be like May 2nd and they'll have just gotten it!

BL: It will have just arrived in the mail from Amazon because they've preordered it.

ELM: That's right. They'll have stayed up all night reading it like it was a Harry Potter book. And they'll listen to Fansplaining the second it comes out, 11:01 AM.

BL: Rico is the other half of Claire's OTP. There's Forest and there's Rico and Forest is the clueless one who's obnoxious in how much he doesn't get it.

FK: 23 and living in Koreatown, another delightful example of deep Hollywood [laughing] Yeah, that dude lives in Koreatown.

BL: Rico's slightly more experienced and has been on another genre show before and so kinda gets it a little more and is a little more generous.

FK: He probably has a grown up apartment. A real person's apartment.

BL: A house he bought in Silver Lake 15 years ago for 200,000 dollars probably.

FK: When he first got his first genre show.

BL: Exactly.

ELM: Wow, are these your head canons about your own characters?

BL: Oh god this is not canon. This is not canon! This is my head canon.

FK: But it's totally what that person would be. It's completely MY head canon. It just is the truth. [all laughing]

ELM: Slight aside, but another thing that I love more than life...I already said I loved the mother but the conversation where she explains what shipping is was never in my life have I read a more accurate...when she's like "oh, I ship myself with Obama!" [all laughing]

FK: Peak mom.

ELM: It was SO mom. It was so good. She's such a good mom.

BL: I know. That scene literally exists because there's people like my agent who started reading this book who don't know what shipping is and so that's in the first fifteen pages, Claire's mom is getting an explanation, a primer of what shipping is. The writer's challenge is to make a purely expositional Wikipedia article about shipping sound interesting and fun, and the way to do that is just to have a peak mom character peak momming.

ELM: I just think those were very mom reactions and then later when she meets I think Forest and she's like "I ship myself with him!" Of course that's the way she's going to think of it. "I ship myself and your dad." [all laughing] OK! Fine!

BL: Yeah, that's how shipping works. OK fine.

FK: I will say that is a preferable mom reaction to my mom's reaction to being told what shipping was when I was in high school and reading X-files fanfic, which was to ask me to recommend to her Mulder and Scully fanfic and then read it and want to talk about it and I was like I'M GOING TO DIE. I'M DYING. First I can't believe I gave you this and now I can't believe you read it and it had smut in it too if I recall correctly, it was a novel length story, and I was just sitting here like "now we have to discuss this over the dinner table Mom I'm not sure I can cope!"

BL: OK we have to have Flourish's mom on the show.

ELM: Yeah! She's in the rock fandom.

FK: She is the rock fandom. Not The Rock the actor, rocks. Actual physical actual rocks. [all laugh]

BL: Oh, I was thinking The Rock like the actor.

FK: No, not The Rock.

BL: She can also like The Rock.

ELM: If you explained it and she was like "yes I ship myself with the Rock," can you imagine.

FK: My mom would probably like The Rock, actually. The person she actually loves is Michael B Jordan though. To the point where she saw Black Panther and then she had to tell me all about how Michael B Jordan was the perfect man. For like.

ELM: Michael B Jordan himself, not...

BL: Not Killmonger.

FK: No no no she also loved Creed because Michael B Jordan was in it.

ELM: She's a fan of him as an actor.

FK: She's a fan of Michael B Jordan. I'm not sure as an actor. I think just because she thinks he's incredibly cute and she has a crush on him.

BL: She's not wrong.

FK: She's not wrong, but just saying, babies don't let your mommas grow up to be shippers or something. [BL laughing] OK obviously the entire book is sort of about this weird situation we're currently in, almost a current cultural moment where everything is brushing up against each other and we have this creator-fan interaction that's happening way more that it ever used to, and to some degree it seemed like it was about the porosity of the barrier between fan and pro, cause there's that moment where Caty gives Claire her tumblr name and is like "psst I'm on Tumblr too!" Note she's like a 23 year old so it's not shocking. But of course it is shocking when you receive that Tumblr name and ohhh people are in fandom!

So I guess I'm wondering about, when people read this book and they start thinking about their position, fans, their position vis a vis Hollywood, vis a vis...I mean not just novel writing, which I think is something that people commonly see themselves as potentially breaking into, but it seems like this really invites people to imagine themselves in the entertainment industry. What...how do you think about that? Cause it doesn't seem like you're totally valorizing it. Some people are like "oh obviously you want to go pro" and that's not the message of the book. It's a more complicated relationship.

BL: I agree. I think there's a moment there where Caty's like "oh and hit me up in a few years if you want a job, I can totally see you as being really good at PR." And Claire is like "oh, I never really thought of myself as doing anything like that." I think a lot of fans think of themselves as sort of permanently on one side of the fandom divide, who could never cross over. So part of that was giving Claire options. If she does want a future affecting the shows that she loves, that's an option available to her.

And also if she just wants to write fanfic and go do something else for a living, that's fine too! But I think Hollywood would be better off if there were more people who came from fandom working in it, so that's my little baby pitch to the teens [laughing] to be like, this world could use you! Could use your voice and your minds and the way that you think about celebrity and the internet! Hollywood needs that right now. So if you're interested, come on down, the water's not warm. It's really cold. And dangerously full of sharks. But please come down anyway! [laughing]

ELM: Not to be the Debbie Downer to that very positive invitation, but don't you think that...

BL: Oh, please, go ahead!

ELM: To some degree there are, one of the reasons that makes the novel so enjoyable, there's a bit of wish fulfillment involved in this. It's something of an unrealistic, it's unprecedented certainly, that an angry fan shouts about her ship and then she gets invited because they can see...you know. I don't know if this is the right idea, but it's kind of a fantasy in that regard and that's not a criticism.

BL: Not at all.

ELM: It's a fun...

FK: It's a delightful, it's still a fantasy that I hold even despite working in the entertainment industry so that when I first read it I had to read it ALL in one NIGHT when it was in DRAFT form and I think I emailed you keysmashing about how this was my dream. [ELM laughing]

ELM: It's definitely fantasy elements and it's something that you see people referencing when they complain about shows and they're like...I guess even with that element, she's extraordinarily bold, she's...someone calls her a psychopath at one point and I'm not saying she is but her behavior is very much "fuck it I'm doing it" and you're like "holy shit go for it," and I'm wondering if with the reality if that tempers your advice a little bit to say "come on down," I know you just said the water is incredibly cold and full of sharks, but do you think that it's actually a lot more disheartening...how many fangirls need to show up in Hollywood for...even with, sorry this is an incredibly long question, but even with this kinda being a fantasy, the realities of these situations are still completely present in the book and actually huge factors, right. All the stuff about the video game franchise is incredibly frank. You're like, oh, that's exactly what it's like. Or all the stuff that Jamie says, the showrunner, is incredibly frank. So I'm just wondering how you reconcile that with the real world.

BL: Yeah, I think...you know, I'm in a community of fans who also work in Hollywood, and there's about 50 of us in this community and we're very tightknit and we talk about these issues a lot, but the truth is there are fans here already on the inside. We've penetrated the gates. And we're infiltrating the castle.

ELM: Commence the uprising.

BL: Exactly! It's happening. It's slow, but it's happening. So I think throughout the book you see instances of where an individual can make a difference. You see Caty helping Claire and you see Paula, the only reason Claire's there in the first place is because Paula made an executive decision and was like "this is what's happening." You see times when Rico can affect Forest's thinking. So you see if Jamie were just 25% more open, or if John Reynolds, the director of the video game movie, were 25% more open, or if those people were replaced altogether by fangirls, right, this story would have had a totally different outcome.

So you can just feel that while it is hard to make a difference, it is possible on an individual level every day, and I'm just glad that Caty is Caty and not a baby Jamie. And Paula is Paula and not a Jamie type. You know? It's...if everyone was a Jamie, we'd be back in 1985, where everyone's a douchebag and doing coke a lot. But we're not! It's slightly getting better, so I just wanna make it better than it is today.

ELM: Wait, somehow I asked a really cynical question and you managed to give an answer that was not only incredibly hopeful but a really beautiful example of having faith in incremental progress. Which I feel like people don't often enough praise incremental progress. Progress that steadily marches forward.

BL: It does steadily march forward, and you kind of have to believe in that, because if you believe it's hopeless, then I should just quit Hollywood right now. Go be a lavender farmer outside Portland, Oregon. Which is the backup plan. Even though I'm allergic to lavender it's still the backup plan. But I don't feel that cynical yet! I still feel like I can make a difference which is why I keep doing things. And look, here we are! I wrote a book and now we're on a podcast talking about it to a bunch of people who probably at this point are really excited to read it, so you know! Things do happen. Good stuff does happen!

FK: Things happen! Thank you. Britta, it was such an incredible pleasure having you on this podcast. Genuinely please come back many times in the future because this was such a good conversation.

ELM: She should probably write - yeah. Write one fandom novel that is a total delight, once per year, and we will have you back and discuss it.

BL: No problem!

ELM: Just get writing. Hang up and go write.

BL: OK great.

ELM: No, thank you for this book, it was absolutely wonderful, I'm not kidding when I say I'm gonna force everyone to read it.

BL: Thank you. I'm glad. No, I know that because you were joking on Twitter about being really...

ELM: My bad joke?

BL: Being really hard on it and being a very tough judge, and so I'm glad that you like it. I think it's hard when you're making a book about a community for that community cause you know that not everyone will like it and particularly because Claire is not the platonic ideal of a shipper. She does make mistakes and she does overreach and there's times where you cringe for her and you're like "oh Claire don't do that that's a terrible idea" and those times a fan might be like, "oh this is not a good representation of fans." But without that it's not an interesting or a good book. It would have no drama. So I hope that you get to the end of it and people who know nothing about fandom love it and feel like they understand fandom and have empathy for it, and forgive Claire for her mistakes and her overreaches.

ELM: I think that one of the book's great strengths is actually there's no clear...I think there is a desire in some fandom novels, one other thing I thought was really successful about Grace and the Fever by Zan Romanoff too is that Grace is a fairly flawed protagonist too. Makes some decisions that I think horrify me, from a fan perspective. I'm like "NO! Don't be that fan." I don't think there's any one of these characters, including Jamie, fuckboy that he is, who are like...everyone is right on something. And everyone is wrong on something. Wrong on many things or right on many things. And I think it's a really extraordinary example of truly nuanced flawed characters. All of whom have a point but are not 100% right. And that's very hard to do, so this is my official book critic... [all laughing] So well done. Well drawn characters.

FK: OK. So if people have not yet bought the book what is the...I assume the best way for them to buy it is from their local independent bookseller.

ELM: That's right!

BL: For sure, and if that doesn't exist for whatever reason, it's also on Amazon or Barnes & Noble or Powells.com.

ELM: Powells! Oh, actually, did you guys see that post going around, I bookmarked it so we can put it in the show notes, did you see the tumblr post about the gay bookstore or queer bookstore in Michigan and they were like, apparently they had posted on Facebook that they had had no sales that day. And so then someone was like, "they have an online store, so...why not order your stuff through them?" So they posted a week later and they were like "I don't understand but 300 people ordered books from us today we genuinely can't handle this."

This got hundreds of thousands of notes and it was very pure and obviously this store cannot handle that many people seeing this so someone made a long long list of other queer bookstores around the country that can do an online shop. So we should put that in the show notes.

FK: We'll put that in the show notes! That's where you should buy it.

ELM: Absolutely.

FK: For real this time it was a pleasure having you on and...

ELM: Actually goodbye now.

FK: Actually goodbye now! [laughing]

BL: Bye!

ELM: Bye!

[Interstitial music]

FK: OK we really do have to have Britta on once a year because she has to write us a book once a year.

ELM: Do you think that she takes requests.

FK: It can't hurt to ask, can it?

ELM: Cool. I'm gonna think of a plot for her next one.

FK: OK great.

ELM: I want it to engage with a canon that I care about, not pretend Supernatural.

FK: Yeah, I don't know what to say about that. I really want her to somehow get involved with the X-files and make it good, but that's a vain hope.

ELM: Oh! Is that your request?

FK: My request.

ELM: To put her in a different writer's room?

FK: Solve the X-files problems.

ELM: Britta we're arranging your career for you don't worry about it.

FK: We're both fans, it'd be great.

ELM: That's right.

FK: We can solve the X-files together.

ELM: Fan creator interaction. This is what you SHOULD do, creator. That's right.

FK: Yeah, totally. OK. [laughing]

ELM: As people, I hope people buy it and read it and I'd love to know people's reactions! Cause one of the things too is talking about Claire vs. Tess and their different feelings about fandom. And its relationship to canon. And I love that they're both there and I think they both have good points and I'm curious to know...I wrote about this on Tumblr, a post plugging it, and I said that unlike all the other fandom YA novels I've read, several of which I've really loved, obviously I loved Grace and the Fever and I loved Fangirl, and the few which I didn't love which I'm not going to name, usually you don't get multiple perspectives. You get the protagonist's view of fandom and you get other fans or in Fangirl, her twin has said I'm growing up now, I'm putting that aside. Obviously that's another perspective on fandom.

But this was two people in fandom with opposed views, so I'm really curious about how people read that and if they feel, as I did, that it was a really great balanced depiction of the different opinions within fandom.

FK: I am also interested in this and I look forward to hearing from our listeners.

ELM: Yeah!

FK: Other business, we have a ton of mail that has been piling up but we don't have time to get into it now so I am sorry to all the people who are waiting to be on the air. We will get to you I'm so sorry.

ELM: Yes. OK. Alright. So. Wrapping up business. Contact information.

FK: Yeah!

ELM: [laughing] It's fansplaining@gmail.com if you want to write to us. To tell us anything! As we've said we're going to read some letters that you sent us hopefully next time. But you can also leave us an ask, that's fansplaining.tumblr.com, and anon is on, so don't be mean.

FK: Be nice!

ELM: Yeah. You can also tweet at us, fansplaining or send us a message on Facebook, both of those are not ideal for longer more nuanced questions but if you have a quick question you can get in touch with us that way and on our tumblr which is fansplaining.com we have a voicemail. And we haven't gotten any voicemails in months and I love them so if you have thoughts...we get these great emails and I would really love if you sit down with your computer and read it.

FK: Yeah you can literally do it on a phone too. It's just a phone number that you can call.

ELM: You literally call...I meant read it, read it from your computer, the email that you wrote in a text document.

FK: Yeah that thing.

ELM: I don't want to control how you go about calling us. You can do whatever you want.

FK: But we do want to have other people's voices on here so please if you are willing do it.

ELM: We get these great emails from everyone and I would just love to actually hear people especially...I always feel weird when it's clear, they say they're from a different country and I'm just doing my dumb American accent. Call us with your great other accents. Not to fetishize other people's accents.

FK: OK! [ELM laughing] So also, if you happen to have extra cash lying around and you want to support us you can always support us on our Patreon. Patreon.com/fansplaining. If you don't have any extra cash lying around or if you do but don't want to give it to us or if you do and also want to do something nice, you can review us...

ELM: Too many choices.

FK: On iTunes! We believe we deserve 5 stars. You can give us however many stars you feel like we deserve, but it really helps people find us, so.

ELM: Yeah, reviews and ratings, either or both will be really really awesome. And sharing the podcast generally, just letting people know, and also we're putting together, we've got a few posts in the works for our Medium collection, so we're gonna get that up and running too so if you have friends who are not podcast listeners but...this is a thing I am thinking about for my job right now. Is that it?

FK: I think that's all the hashtag content we have right now.

ELM: #Content. Yeah, that's all we got.

FK: I'll talk to you later then, Elizabeth.

ELM: OK bye!

FK: Bye!

[Outro, thank yous and disclaimers]

[justherefortaylorswift]

there’s glitter on the floor after the party...

Taylor,

*About 9 days ago, on May 22nd, 2018, I had just arrived home from your Seattle show at CenturyLink Field. It was 4am and I couldn’t sleep. I had so much on my mind and was still on a high from your show. So, in the early hours of the morning, after my friends had long gone to bed, I began to write. I’ve revised my original note quite a bit since then. I’ve also had the opportunity to do some additional reflecting since tour, and I have some thoughts. So, I guess this is the end-result of a mash-up of 4AM overly-emotional rambling, combined with well thought-out, fully coherent, mature writing. I feel like I really over-explained this. I could have been a lot less-awkward in setting this up. Let's just get into it:

[SO. I just got home from your Seattle show. It's 4 am and I can't sleep. This was my 6th tour, and I made what seems like an infinite amount of unforgettable memories with a group of incredible people I call my ‘Swiftie Fam” (the name needs work...). There's Cecil (my long-time, Canadian Swiftie friend, you’ll see him in earlier posts), Wanda (Cecil’s wife), Kaeden (7. Cecil & Wanda’s son. Major Swiftie. His first concert!), and finally the beautiful Maile (a recent addition to the fam, and now a life-long friend!).  It’s hard to explain in words, but we all have developed a connection that’s special and unique because of what we experienced together. I couldn’t have asked for a better group of people to stand by my side tonight. We danced, laughed, and cried together… I don’t think I’ve ever felt more understood. These people ‘get’ me.

Not surprisingly, I screamed every single lyric at the top of my lungs and subsequently lost my voice almost IMMEDATIELY. With that in mind, I suppose a more accurate description would be: I wasn’t so much singing, as I was gasping for the remainder of the show. I literally danced with until I was out of breath. I cried (ok, SOBBED) all of my make-up off (a Long Live/NYD mash-up… are you kidding me?! I FEEL ATTACKED). 

By the end of the night, I resembled a pathetic, overly-emotional, glittery, drowned rat.

and I was living my absolute best life.

Also, I was REALLY proud of our outfits this time around! I think we did a decent job of recreating your Direct TV commercial, with my rainbow two-piece, and Cecil’s interpretation of Olivia Benson dressed as a Caticorn (I can’t say I ever thought I’d use that in a sentence). It consisted of around 8-10 hours total of gluing, painting, and hand-sewing, leading up to the show. Everything turned out awesome, way better than expected. Totally worth the man hours! Wanda hand-made matching these adorable matching t-shirts for her and little Kaden (Big Rep & Little Rep), and Maile constructed a beautiful MASTERPIECE from the mountain LYWMMD outfit- it was freakin’ incredible and HOT!

There was something a bit different about this tour for a couple of reasons:

[The production.] I don’t think I’ve experienced such sensory-overload in my LIFE. The whole time it was like a constant stream of frantic, internal dialogue with a lot of run-on sentences, like, “WHAT IS HAPPENING SHE’S GIVING US CHOREO OMG YAAASSS WERK HONEY IF A MAN TALKS SHIT WE DON'T OWE HIM A DAMN THING OH MY GOD ITS RAINING CONFETTI I MUST COLLECT IT I HOPE THESE MULTI-COLORED FLASHING LIGHTS DON’T GIVE ME AN EPILEPTIC ATTACK WHERE THE F-CK DID THESE GIGANTIC SNAKES COME FROM THERE ARE LITERALLY STAGES EVERYWHERE I’M OVERWHELMED OH SHIT SHES PULLING A SPEAK NOW BY WALKING THROUGH THE CROWD WHAT'S GOING ON OH GOD F-CKING FIREWORKS THESE VOCALS ARE LIT THO I'M SWEATING I’M DEFINITELY GONNA NEED THERAPY AFTER THIS NEW YEARS DAY/LONG LIVE MASH UP IS THAT A FOUNTAIN WHATS HAPPENING OH GOD IT’S REAL WATER AND SHE’S IN THE FOUNTAIN I’M HAVING A 2008 SHOULD’VE SAID NO ACM AWARDS FLASHBACK MOMENT HOLY SH-T MORE F-CKING FIREWORKS SO MUCH PYRO IS THIS EVEN LEGAL” I’ve gotta say, you have BEST band (Paul, Amos and Mike..OGS), vocalists (Eliott and Kamilah…the TALENT), and all the dancers. Every single person on that stage was on FIRE, and their talent, passion, and individual personalities made the night sparkle.

[The fans.] I freaking adore this fan culture. I’ve never met a Swiftie who wasn’t ridiculously friendly, welcoming, and super relatable. The vibe was so positive. I’ve never smiled, waved and taken pictures with so many random strangers in my life. It felt as if we were literally in a different world that day. It felt like home.

[YOU!.]  We need to talk about this major GLO UP you’ve got going on, honey. You exude SO much confidence and you're just pure sunshine. When I think about the way you’ve carried yourself these past couple of years through all of the BS drama, I can’t help but feel damn proud. You’ve successfully converted pain into art, into music. Real music, that’s poignant, raw, and just BAD ASS. Your lyrics continue to foster a special connection you maintain with the audience...a connection that often times breathes life into brokenness.

I felt like the luckiest girl in the entire world tonight. 

This may have been my best concert experience ever, which is actually pretty ironic because:

Unlike Red, I wasn’t in the Pit

I didn’t have VIP seating, like 1989

You weren’t close enough for any potential high fives, waves, or eye contact like I experienced at Speak Now at B-Stage

We were not chosen for Rep Room (or T-Party, Club Red, or Loft 89)

…But, it was OK. It was way more than OK. It was truly a dream.

Listen: Something I've always deeply admired about you is that you make it a priority to maintain a personal relationship with the fans.  It’s clear you want to meet as many of us as possible, and you make a conscious effort to do so. You get to know us as individuals and you CARE, and that means everything us and makes such an impact. I mean, you invite us into your HOME for crying out loud, you walk through massive crowds and give high-fives, you lurk our Instagrams and Tumblrs and interact on social media, and you always make a notable effort to meet as many of us as possible at tour.

However, this can sometimes turn into a bit of a "Catch 22" situation for people. The downside, is that it’s honestly SUPER easy to fall into the “trap” of being consumed with the possibility of meeting you after your shows. Due to the fact that the “selection” process is both intentional, yet also random. To be transparent, it's quite difficult to not obsess with the idea of ‘trying’ to get chosen. I witness this behavior so often, in others and in myself just as much, if not more. Selfishly, I often feel not only jealous, but UPSET when I see photos/read experiences of other fans meeting you. I sometimes feel like the only one who hasn’t yet gotten the opportunity.  It can quickly turn into a mind-game if you're not careful, which has the potential to become toxic if we allow the idea of meeting you to rule supreme over what it's actually about...which is the MUSIC. And, this amazing show you put on for us night after night. And somewhat understandably so, I've witnessed the obsession with being chosen to meet you become a main focus point for a lot of us (including myself a bit!). It's pretty stressful, and can easily dampen or cheapen the concert experience, if you're not careful. As dramatic as this probably sounds, Tumblr (and social media) can be brutal within this fandom, and dare I say ‘cut-throat’ at times. It's easy to get upset watching (what seems like) literally EVERYONE get that opportunity, except you. 

That said, I had a wake-up call/mini-epiphany recently, which manifested while driving home from your show at Midnight on May 22nd with my friends, feeling so amazing and so grateful for what I just experienced…but also a little guilty because I feel like I’ve spent way too much time worrying about the possibility of meeting at you when you come to Seattle, how to get the attention of Taylor Nation, where to find Mama Swift, getting that guitar pick from Papa Swift, and this time was no different. Granted, my intentions are 100% pure and it’s only because you’ve meant so freakin much to me for so many years, and it's almost as if my life won’t be complete until I finally get to tell you in person. That said, there is certainty a valuable lesson to be learned here. I am confident that you and I will come face-to-face one day (hopefully with my Swifie fam!). The stars will align at the exactly the right time, and I will have my moment with you, and it will be SO worth the wait. You can't "force" stuff like this, you know? The privilege of meeting you is almost ‘sacred’ in a sense. At least in my opinion. Anyway, my point is: I refuse to a continue to attempt to “create fate” by attempting to "earn" my worthiness in fandom. It’s not productive, it's not healthy, and it’s not cute.

Alright, this is getting out of hand. I need to wrap this up. 🤣 I’m not sure whether or not you’ve seen any of my throwback photo-posts I posted the week leading up to the show. They definitely explain a lot more about me, and my history being a fan. Either way, I must reiterate how grateful I am to have you in my life, and that support you 100% and will always be here. The amount of hope, joy and comfort you've given me over the past 10+ years is insurmountable, and I'll never be able to repay you for that. And I mean that in the most sincere way. Not a lot of things make me as happy as you make me (especially lately). This experience was the ‘boost’ I needed, I think. And like I said, the relationship I have with my friends/Swiftie Fam is invaluable, and I look forward to making memories with them at your shows in the future. You’ve brought the most random group of people together and created a bond that’s unique, unconditional and unbreakable, and I think that’s so cool.

This was A LOT longer than I originally intended it to be. This escalated quickly. Haha. Thanks for listening. 💗

Don’t read the last page…]

Love you, T

Crystal

@taylorswift

@taylornation

@ceunit

@maileswiftie

[photos]:  1) The whole crew: Cecil, Wanda, Kaeden, Maile and myself at our seats. 2) Kaeden the night before the show. SO EXCITED!! 3) Testing out the Caticorn onesie w/ Cecil 4) Cecil and myself FULLY DECKED and ready to go. 5) Wanda and Kaeden: Big Rep & Lil’ Rep! 6) the girls! Maile, Wanda and Me pre-show 7) Us at the end of the show! And yes, that’s me in the middle..in disbelief, exhausted, sweaty, and a physical and emotional wreck (see also: ‘drowned rat’ description above). 8) All of us after the show literally in a hotel lobby (and glitter on the floor after the party!), waiting for traffic to die down before we headed home.