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lpsluvblr · 7 months ago

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Ok so I want to show some of my LPS LGBT hdcs of the main pets cuz yes-

Zoe: Bi and GreyAce

Pepper: Pan and DemiGirl

Vinnie: Gay and Transmale

Minka: Pan, Asexual and Transfemale

Sunil: Bi and GenderFluid

Russell: Pan, AroAce and DemiBoy

Penny Ling: Bi, Asexual and NonBinary

I wanted to know some of your opinions on them, sorry if this is random😅

Oh My GoD YES!! thank you! I love this so much don’t ever be sorry yes send me things!! I do have to be honest with you though I don’t know all the gender things. I’m still learning about them so bear with me on that thought. 🫶😅

Ok let’s start with Zoe the Queen! - I personally see her as bi myself because in the show, she does have her little crushes, but she’s so flirty with the girls it’s so cute! oh I see ok yeah that makes a lot of sense too anon I like that umbrella term for her that so good honestly YES to this!!

- oh hohoho YES she loves everyone! I personally have had penny Ling in this category because she already has that personality to me but I can’t totally see pepper just being happy and being so chill and open about her dating life like she just vibes with anyone so her dating pool is HUDGE that second one just makes me think of her and Zoe that makes me so happy you don’t even know they spend so much time together anyway she knows her so well but I have also started to see more of her and minka being something more? That for another time though 💕 perfect anon perfect!

- The man of the hour now we all know this man is not straight so that first one just hits just right right on the money!! I’ve been seeing more people, head canon or draw him as trans and I have been on board with it just because it makes so much sense and he would just look so good even as a woman and his friends would be so supportive, and that just makes me so happy to see they’d see it coming from a mile away. The interest in different fashions, the make up, the long hair i’d also like to think that if there was a name change, Vanessa would be it because it’s so close anyway. 😊 or to be punny vinessa hehe.

- again this fits her she just likes anyone but yes minka would rather just like you she doesn’t really need intimacy to express that just having a lot of friends is enough for her happiness! Trans minka! It makes sense just like vinnie’s does! Everyone would support her through everything especially her bestie penny! What you’ve said so far just makes so much sense and now I think I love trans minka and much as vinnie ♥️

- again I personally had canon him as bi or gay so to me this this makes me so happy! I had to look this up to make sure I remembered correctly what it stood for and I have to agree with you again, because in all honesty, Sunil is one of those characters that I could see who would change themselves up, just depending on how they feel and I love that because Sunil can definitely be anything and it makes me so happy. what influenced me the most on this is also seeing him drawn as a her and realizing that they both look spectacular and I can’t help but hope that it keeps happening. I’d also like to hope that it would be an amazing confidence booster!

-for Russell I could see pan he definitely would just be fine with anyone as long as they loved him this second one though! I love this because he’s so caring and loving and motherly in his own way. I’ve always felt he has such strong feelings for the people he cares about, but he doesn’t know how to express them very much. It’s not necessarily a romantic attraction. This canon makes me happy because it fits him so well, especially in the show and just his personality in general like AAAAjgitrkckgkrofjcgkgk (my happiness) once I read it the Demi boy term is also him no one can change my mind now it fits its perfect and makes me happy!!

- and last penny the sweetest thing! bi penny yes of corse she deserves this title honestly because she is so flirty and so sweet I couldn’t see her being able to pick feelings for one or the other anyway so she just has both 😅 YES just like Russell her love is endless and platonic she just LOVES and her friendships mean the world to her!! See this one I haven’t thought about either, but I can see her being that and being kind enough to explain it to complete strangers, who ask I just love this for them so much!!! You don’t even know!!

Thank you so much, and I really love seeing other peoples perspective on these characters in such a little fandom!!! It brings me so much happiness, and I also appreciate the learning opportunity but seeing the genders next to the perspective, characters makes so much sense to me and helps me also put a name to how I feel about them as well which you have helped me do.💕 feel free to send me any more things that you would like or to talk to me anytime I am so willing to talk about all the things related to this fandom!!!

Sidenote, I am sorry if at any point during my responses, I did miss gender or anything like that. I wasn’t sure how to go about it so hopefully my responses are ok for you!! 🙂 I do also apologize if I did get anything wrong when it came to some of the terms, I was looking them up as I went to try to understand better so I could answer them properly for you, but I honestly love everything you sent me and every single one makes complete sense so I agree with you 100% on that!!!

#littlest pet shop #lpsluvblr #lps 2012 #sunil nevla #vinnie terrio #pepper clark #penny ling #zoe trent #russell ferguson #minka mark #asks #anonymous

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arbiterlexultionis · 1 year ago

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Bruce Wayne’s True Colors

By: Clark Kent

Bruce Wayne. We’ve all heard the name. All heard the stories of his various escapades, diving into public fountains, buying out entire hotels whenever he feels like it to get away with his and his children’s misbehavior, spending more time out of the city he “Loves” then in it and inevitably getting an assortment of injuries in the process, the historical bills alone of which would bankrupt nearly every hard working American in this country. He’s had nine different “skiing accidents” in the last six months alone. While a bit clumsy, with a tendency to throw a bit more of his pocket change than most at charities, he nonetheless seems like the stereotypical greedy American billionaire, just one that is a bit more air-headed and kind then most. But is he really? I think not, and I have proof, in the form of a recorded conversation provided by none other than billionaire philanthropist Oliver Queen.

“All right Bruce, you’ve been lost in your head trying to plan for Something for weeks and clearly haven’t gotten very far. What’s going on? Do you need backup from the REDACTED?” Bruce waves his hand through air as if to show the possibility away.

“No, no, it’s nothing work related, a personal matter. I’ll be fine, I’m sure I’ll find a solution in time.”

“You’ll be fine? How many times have you said you’ll be fine on your own and then been very much not fine?”

“Less then the alternative.”

“Fair. I’m not letting this go though.” Bruce sits in a chair and lays back, one hand coming up to stroke his chin while his shoulders slumped in a near imperceptible sign of exhaustion.

“I have to much money.”

Oliver glances around the opulent mansion, swirling the glass of alcohol in his hand before shooting a look at the bottle of the stuff sitting on the table beside him. White text and an arrow pointing to it appear labeling the bottle as worth around fifteen thousand USD. “To much money, you say?”

“Hoarding money like a dragon is the past time of beast. Amassing wealth and doing absolutely nothing with it when innocent people can barely afford to eat, if they can at all, is immoral. I’ve been trying to get rid of all the money I don’t need to maintain my life style and watch over Gotham for decades. Decades Ollie. Every rich asshole in the country have been going on and on about how treating employees like actual human beings with mouths to feed and lives to live is unsustainable and unprofitable, so that was the first thing I tried. $75,000 a year is the absolute least anyone in Wayne Enterprises makes a year with a single exception, the benefits package is worth even more than that, paternity and maternity leave of a year with a twenty percent raise with every child birthed and reduced workload for however long they need after, an entire month of PTO for all employees. It should have slashed WE’s profits. Should have. It didn’t. Employees are working harder then ever, using there extra time and the company scholarships I set up to pursue higher education and learn more skills which make them more productive. So I decided to make WE more environmentally conscious, because that’s supposed to be to expensive to be profitable. Overhauled nearly the entire company, redesigned machinery, invested tens of millions into recycling technologies, renewable power sources, the whole nine yards. But apparently, using less power to do more, producing zero waste products and no pollution also results in extremely high efficiency and rising profits. I made my own annual salary as CEO 1 dollar a month and apparently word about it got around fast. Half the company’s HQ went on strike and when I rushed down to find out who managed to treat them poorly enough for a strike to be neccisary without me noticing I found out that their “demands” were for me to give myself a raise and take better care of myself. Apparently they thought it was “immoral” and “mildly disturbing” for me to be giving them 25 hour work weeks, high pay and good benefits while working 60 hours a week. I’d barely managed to negotiate them down to $150,000 a year when Clark just so happened to publish an article proving that when ever I go on vacation I’m just doing more work outside of Gotham or trying to get some charity work done without the media breathing down my neck. Days of compromise and negations, gone in an instant.

So, investing in WE doesn’t work. After that I decided to invest in Gotham itself. Hospitals, schools, homeless shelters, high quality apartments with cheap rents, buying up thousands of houses to rent at low rates and sell at cheap prices to drive down the cost of housing, modernizing and improving infrastructure related to water and electrify to be cheaper for end users and more resistant to rouge attacks. Anything and everything that I could throw money at and get my lobbying groups to make happen. But WE was the only company that wasn’t corrupt, incompetent and/or treating its employees like crap. So all that work and business went to WE. And I couldn’t just leave all those corrupt businesses to their own devices. And sometimes WE wasn’t involved in the industries that I needed work done in. I wound up adding entire devisions to the company. I founded 19 new businesses and became the owner of 37 more. And no matter what I do none of them will stop growing and becoming more profitable!

After that I started trying to just give money away, mostly through free college. For the first 5 years it was going great, I was losing money. Not enough to counteract all my other forms of income, but for the first time I was putting more money into something than I was getting out, and if I scaled it up enough it might just work. But after five years the first people that I put through college had been in the workforce for a year. And the system I set up to find jobs for them that wouldn’t result in them being treated poorly by employers or working for supervillains resulted in all of them working for me, where they would all have large amounts of disposable income to give back to the charity. Once they started getting their doctorates it was a lost cause, they were giving so much to the charity that any money that I put in would just sit there instead of bettering the lives of those in need, defeating the point of giving it away. I tried to tell them that they don’t have to, I’ll just find it all myself, but like a week later I caught Dick in a zoom meeting with half the highest donators trying to figure out how to make a trust fund with me as the trustee because I accidentally revealed that I had been the only one funding the project for years and it “wasn’t fair to put such a burden on a single man” and “will be absolutely hilarious to see the look on his face when he winds up with even more money again”.

I assembled an entire team to go through my taxes to make sure I was paying as much as I possibly could, but apparently my dad intentionally fucked up his taxes so he would pay even more than he was supposed to and I inherited his systems, so if the IRS ever dig into my finances they realize they owe me money! Enough to raise my net worth by several percent!

Nothing works! Every time I try and use my money to make the world a better place and help people I just wind up with more money!”

Over the course of his rant Bruce had risen to his feet and started pacing, become more and more exasperated and raising in volume, before finally whirling around to stare at Oliver clearly expecting some type of response or advice. The blond billionaire took a long sip of his drink. “Well that sucks, but good luck with it I guess.”

Plot armor but it’s Bruce Wayne’s wealth.

Bruce is one of the richest men in the world. Bruce does not want to be one of the richest men in world.

He starts by implementing high starting salaries and full health care coverages for all levels at Wayne Enterprises. This in vastly improves retention and worker productivity, and WE profits soar. He increases PTO, grants generous parental and family leave, funds diversity initiatives, boosts salaries again. WE is ranked “#1 worker-friendly corporation”, and productively and profits soar again.

Ok, so clearly investing his workers isn’t the profit-destroying doomed strategy his peers claim it is. Bruce is going to keep doing it obviously (his next initiative is to ensure all part-time and contractors get the same benefits and pay as full time employees), but he is going to have to find a different way to dump his money.

But you know what else is supposed to be prohibitively expensive? Green and ethical initiatives. Yes, Bruce can do that. He creates and fund a 10 year plan to covert all Wayne facilities to renewable energy. He overhauls all factories to employ the best environmentally friendly practices and technologies. He cuts contracts with all suppliers that engage in unethical employment practices and pays for other to upgrade their equipment and facilities to meet WE’s new environmental and safety requirements. He spares no expense.

Yeah, Wayne Enterprises is so successful that they spin off an entire new business arm focused on helping other companies convert to environmentally friendly and safe practices like they did in an efficient, cost effective, successful way.

Admittedly, investing in his own company was probably never going to be the best way to get rid of his wealth. He slashes his own salary to a pittance (god knows he has more money than he could possibly know what to do with already) and keeps investing the profits back into the workers, and WE keeps responding with nearly terrifying success.

So WE is a no-go, and Bruce now has numerous angry billionaires on his back because they’ve been claiming all these measures he’s implementing are too expensive to justify for decades and they’re finding it a little hard to keep the wool over everyone’s eyes when Idiot Softheart Bruice Wayne has money spilling out his ears. BUT Bruce can invest in Gotham. That’ll go well, right?

Gotham’s infrastructure is the OSHA anti-Christ and even what little is up to code is constantly getting destroyed by Rogue attacks. Surely THAT will be a money sink.

Except the only non-corrupt employer in Gotham city is….Wayne Enterprises. Or contractors or companies or businesses that somehow, in some way or other, feed back to WE. Paying wholesale for improvement to Gotham’s infrastructure somehow increases WE’s profits.

Bruce funds a full system overhaul of Gotham hospital (it’s not his fault the best administrative system software is WE—he looked), he sets up foundations and trusts for shelters, free clinics, schools, meal plans, day care, literally anything he can think of.

Gotham continues to be a shithole. Bruce Wayne continues to be richer than god against his Batman-ingrained will.

Oh, and Bruice Wayne is no longer viewed as solely a spoiled idiot nepo baby. The public responds by investing in WE and anything else he owns, and stop doing this, please.

Bruce sets up a foundation to pay the college tuition of every Gotham citizen who applies. It’s so successful that within 10 years, donations from previous recipients more than cover incoming need, and Bruce can’t even donate to his own charity.

But by this time, Bruce has children. If he can’t get rid of his wealth, he can at least distribute it, right?

Except Dick Grayson absolutely refuses to receive any of his money, won’t touch his trust fund, and in fact has never been so successful and creative with his hacking skills as he is in dumping the money BACK on Bruce. Jason died and won’t legally resurrect to take his trust fund. Tim has his own inherited wealth, refuses to inherit more, and in fact happily joins forces with Dick to hack accounts and return whatever money he tries to give them. Cass has no concept of monetary wealth and gives him panicked, overwhelmed eyes whenever he so much as implies offering more than $100 at once. Damian is showing worrying signs of following in his precious Richard’s footsteps, and Babs barely allows him to fund tech for the Clocktower. At least Steph lets him pay for her tuition and uses his credit card to buy unholy amounts of Batburger. But that is hardly a drop in the ocean of Bruce’s wealth. And she won’t even accept a trust fund of only one million.

Jason wins for best-worst child though because he currently runs a very lucrative crime empire. And although he pours the vast, vast majority of his profits back into Crime Alley, whenever he gets a little too rich for his tastes, he dumps the money on Bruce. At this point, Bruce almost wishes he was being used for money laundering because then he’s at least not have the money.

So children—generous, kindhearted, stubborn till the day they die the little shits, children—are also out.

Bruce was funding the Justice League. But then finances were leaked, and the public had an outcry over one man holding so much sway over the world’s superheroes (nevermind Bruce is one of those superheroes—but the public can’t know that). So Bruce had to do some fancy PR trickery, concede to a policy of not receiving a majority of funds from one individual, and significantly decrease his contributions because no one could match his donations.

At his wits end, Bruce hires a team of accounts to search through every crinkle and crevice of tax law to find what loopholes or shortcuts can be avoided in order to pay his damn taxes to the MAX.

The results are horrifying. According to the strictest definition of the law, the government owes him money.

Bruce burns the report, buries any evidence as deeply as he can, and organizes a foundation to lobby for FAR higher taxation of the upper class.

All this, and Wayne Enterprises is happily chugging along, churning profit, expanding into new markets, growing in the stock market, and trying to force the credit and proportionate compensation on their increasingly horrified CEO.

Bruce Wayne is one of the richest men in the world. Bruce Wayne will never not be one of the richest men in the world.

But by GOD is he trying.

#batman #bruce wayne #laws of this dc universe say gotham is always a hellcity #and bruce wayne is always filthy rich #bruce wayne is fighting with everything he has against both those facts #he’s not going to win #but he’s not going to stop either #bruce crying with fistfuls of money in his hands: take it. please #the public: donate more???#clark kent #Clarks a well meaning little shit #Clark wants Bruce to take care of himself and be appreciated for all the good he does as a civilian #Bruce: Hides all his philanthropy behind the Brucie Wayne persona and thinks he not doing enough for the world #Clark: Hey best buddy. I think the fuck not. your gonna be happy and appreciated for all you do whether you like it or not #Bruce vents about all his rich people problems to Oliver #several percent of Bruce “More money than God Waynes net worth is more than some countries GDP #and every American that sees this article will make damn sure that Bruce gets every penny he’s owed #Bruce was weirdly expressive in this but he’s been fight his own wealth tooth and nail for DECADES at this point #he’s upset

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scottishcat1988 · 2 months ago

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Knight in shining armor - Dean Winchester x Reader

Part 3

You walked with Dean in silence for a while. You were biting your lip constantly thinking of something to say, anything to avoid the awkward silence.

“So you’ve been one of my father’s knights for a long time?” you asked out of the blue.

It sounded stupid to you and you were praying he would not sense your awkwardness and slight discomfort. He obviously didn’t as he just smiled with a small nod.

“Yes, princess. I’ve actually been on this castle for most part of my life” he said, glancing for a while at you.

“But don’t you have a family. If you don’t mind me asking”

“Yes, yes I do. But when in his search for more soldiers your father came at my village I just… I couldn’t let him take my younger brother so I volunteered myself” he said as if it was the most simple thing in the world.

“So you basically… sacrificed yourself to save your brother?” you asked again and earned a nod from him.

“That’s really… heroic and selfless of you to do” you said in awe and he just let out a chuckle.

“Not really. I wouldn’t say so. I just did what I felt like. I know that little Sammy was meant for greater things and I wasn’t wrong, after all.” he said with what could only be described as a proud smile.

“Well, it is good to know that he has someone that would do anything for him. Wish I had somebody as well” you mostly mumbled the last part to yourself, looking down as you walked.

“Then I guess you’re lucky as well ‘cause you got me. I would anything for you, princess” he said with a small smirk and you bit your lip to keep the smile from getting bigger.

“Glad to know that” your voice was low as you looked at him and he gazed back at you with a smile. He realized that he had been staring at you for quite long, though, so clearing his throat he immediately averted his eyes from yours.

“But I promise you that if you do something like that when it comes to me-” you started and he piped in.

“Sacrifice myself for you?”

You nodded “Yes, if you ever decide to do something so stupid as that mind my words, you are never going to hear the end of it.” you said and he let out a chuckle.

“Very well then. I will have it in mind, princess” he said with a smirk.

“You better should” you said just as playfully “But I was just wondering. How come I have not seen you this entire time? I mean, sure I don’t just hang out with my father’s knight but I know I have gotten to see most of them. Not you though”

“Probably because you don’t just hang out at the training areas. I mean, yeah, I am your father’s right hand but when we’re not on a battle or on war I spend most of time helping in training the newest soldiers. We have new ones every year and they need training. Kids barely know how to hold a sword properly let alone use it.”

“Yeah, but as you said they’re kids” you pointed out.

“True but so was I and so was everybody else that came with me when your father asked for soldiers. Don’t get me wrong, princess, living here is actually better even if we have to fight. Most of us barely had food to make it by and your father is kind enough to give us money on top, to send to our families. But I’m telling you, when you want to be a knight you have to know the basics.” he shrugged.

“I guess you’re right” you mumbled.

“And we, believe me, are considered lucky. Taking into account how your father rarely chooses to fight but prefers talking over issues first”

“That’s one good thing about my father” you said with a small shrug “But-” you turned to look at Dean “-Don’t you miss them? My dad’s been gone for over a year and I missed him like crazy. I can’t imagine how it would be to have to see them for years”

“It is hard, trust me. But I’ve learned to manage. It was me or Sam, and that was not an option for me. At least your father was kind enough to give us a choice instead of just taking someone he wanted”

“I see” you nodded “But I am sure they miss you as well. Leaving so many people behind that you knew and loved is hard. Your mother. Your father. Your brother… Your girl.” you hesitated to say the last part but did so anyway.

You actually were scared to hear what Dean would say because you were mostly scared to hear him verify it. Not that it would be surprising, after all. He was the perfect type of man. Caring, as it seemed, selfless, funny and let’s not forget handsome. What kind of woman would let him just pass by.

He let out a chuckle and shook his head “No, no girl.”

“No girl? Really? Wow that’s- that’s hard to believe” you said, letting out a sigh of relief you didn’t know you were holding.

“Not really. I mean yeah I’ve had my moments but- when it comes to an actual relationship I kinda… suck” he said and you both laughed “Besides-” he let out a sad sigh “- I don’t think I’m made for that”

“Why would you say that?” you asked with a frown.

“I ruin everything I touch. Honestly sometimes I think I’m cursed. I try hard, you know, but never succeed and everybody just expects so much from me” he shook his head looking down.

“You tell me” you mumbled.

“'Sides what woman would want me? All I do is make mistakes, ruin others’ lifes and then just drown my sorrows in alcohol. Like would you want a big mess like me?” he scoffed and shook his head “I’m just one big damn flaw, that is for sure. So why the hell drag somebody else with me down in the pit where I belong?” he added and you swallowed the lump in your throat, biting your lip to keep the tears in.

He couldn’t really be thinking this way of himeslf right?

You hadn’t and you certainly didn’t expect to see this side on this man. And what was for sure was that it hurt. It hurt like hell to see him like this.

You never expected so much self-loathing from a man like him. His smile was the brightest you had ever seen and it surely was intoxicating. It was hard to believe that a man that could smile so brightly and lift your spirits so easily was so… broken on the inside.

“Well… I would” you mumbled, looking down at your dress once again.

“What?” you heard him breath out and you slowly and reluctantly turned your head so that you were looking at him.

You felt a small blush form on your cheeks but you could not back down now, could you?

“I said I would certainly want a man like you. You are not one big flaw, Dean. At least I don’t think you are. Yes, you probably have your flaws but- we all do. Believe me, my dad has most of them and I have inherited them unfortunately.” you let out a dry laugh and he did the same “But- I don’t think that takes anything away from who you really are. Sure I can’t say much because I don’t know you all that well and… in all honesty I would love to know you better but-” you cleared your throat “-I guess that’s not the point here. What I want to say is that I believe, no, I know that you’re not what you believe you are, Dean.”

And you continued “Sure you make mistakes, we all do, and we all have our weak moments but that does not mean that we- that you do not deserve something good. You have the most kind heart I’ve seen on a person. You are selfless and caring and I- I know any woman would be lucky to have a man like you and they would certainly be damned if they let you go, Dean”

You saw a smile forme on Dean’s lips and you pursed yours, looking down at the floor instead of him because you knew that if you continued looking at those eyes and speaking then you would surely utter things that he was not supposed to know… Not yet at least.

“And I know that any man would be damn lucky to have a woman like you” he muttered and your head snapped in his direction as you felt the blush darken at hearing his words.

The look in his eyes made your heart flutter.

You would have asked him what he meant by that but before you could even utter a word you reached the main dining room and the two soldiers that stood by the door opened it for you to walk in.

“Ah there she is!” your father exclaimed with a big smile as soon as you walked close to them.

There was a big table in the middle of the huge room, all sorts of food on it and the servants kept bringing more and more. Pouring wine for the guests that had already taken a seat and others motioning for the ones that were still coming to sit on their rightful place. Soft music was playing and you spotted from the corner of your eye the musicians on the far corner of the room. The curtains were pulled back allowing the light of the moon to shine through the big windows that covered and entire wall, the warm light from the candles mixing with that of the moon and managing to make a pleasant environment for everyone.

“Come, come” he said motioning for you to come sit next to your mother than was sitting right next to him.

Although you didn’t want to you let go of Dean’s arm and after a final look at him you turned your head and made your way next to your mother. She was looking at you with a small frown but you just shook your head and gave her a reassuring smile. You took a seat next to her but couldn’t help but slyly look at Dean walk around the table. You knew he was going to stay, just like most of your father’s soldiers and faithful knights had joined you tonight, but what you were hoping was for him to sit close to you.

You got part of your wish come true as you saw him walk straight next to your father and take a seat there. His eyes were locked with yours all the time and you didn’t dare break eye contact.

Something that you did all night.

It was pleasant even though you did not expect it. You thought you were going to just be bored throughout the whole meal - something that you always thought you would do and rarely joined such events - but the case was not like that at all. Dean made everything all the more interesting. You caught yourself laughing more times than you could count and enjoying yourself like never before. He would not stop telling everybody stories. Rarely it would be about only him. Most times it would be about things that had happened either on the castle or even during a battle. How that could be funny you didn’t know but it surely was. Dean made it sound like that.

He spoke about his adventures with some of the knights that were on the table and he obviously was good friends with. He talked about things that happened to them and even reminded to your father about incidents between the two of them while Dean was still new here and young. About how your father had taken a liking to him and treated him like a son… and about how Dean once almost set his beard on fire. That surely was something you, your mother, Dean, everybody else and above all your father were never going to forget.

All the while you laughed, shared funny stories, and not, you caught yourself sneaking glances at Dean. Most of the time it was when he was not looking at you but was laughing. You absolutely loved to see him laugh. Even when he talked with your father or somebody else you could not take your eyes off him. Sneaking glances at him when he was looking at your direction was something you surely liked. There were times though that he would catch your eyes and even though you would blush you found yourself unable to look away from him. And then there were moments when you would catch him staring. Those you enjoyed the most. When you would just smirk at him and raise an eyebrow and he would quickly avert his eyes, pretending to be occupied with something else. Although the blush that creeped up his neck told you differently.

And of course the conversation soon drifted to you. What with your upcoming birthday, what with your father being absent for so long and not having caught up with what was going on yet, what with so many men on the table (talking about the royals of course - not that your father would even so think about you and one of his knights) he had to ask…

“So come on (Y/n). Your mother has not told me much because she obviously does not know much. But you’ve been known to keep secrets ever since you were little. However, you’re a grown woman now. And there surely has to be a man in your life. Am I right?” he raised an eyebrow and all attention was on you now.

Everybody was interested to know if the kingdom’s only princess had found a man.

You looked around you for a second, mouth slightly open ready to speak, until your eyes landed Dean. You looked at him for a while, the soft smile that played on his lips and his green orbs looking at you with an expecting look. The words that he had told you while it was just the two of you ringing in your ears.

You closed your mouth but a smile soon formed on your face “Well, there might be someone” you said in a soft voice, eyes not leaving Dean.

A smile that mirrored yours formed on his lips, as if he had caught to what you were saying and without breaking eye contact he, along with everybody else, raised his golden cup and said 'To the princess!’. Although he just seemed to be mouthing the words as everybody else said it cheerfully.

Well, you now could say for sure that this was one of the best nights of your life…

…and you couldn’t wait for tomorrow to be the best day of your life because, as your father had previously told you, Dean was going to be the one to accompany you to your weekly stroll to the woods.

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amlao · 1 year ago

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Day 289 of Being Single for the First Second Time in My Adult Life

When I was in my early 20’s, I had a complete and utter inability to plan ahead.

I spent much of my time skipping class and wandering around Mass Street frivolously spending money because I couldn’t seem to conceptualize that Current Me was the same Me that would have to take the midterm in that class or accept a grade from that professor or pay that credit card bill. Of course I understood in theory, but the concept of the future always seemed too distant and disconnected to really do anything about.

At this time, I was also dating a profoundly depressed, jobless artist who lived with his parents and had very few aspirations that would amount to a life I could see us living together.

But the thing was, I never pictured a future with him. I only ever considered if the relationship was a good fit on a day-to-day, sometimes hour-to-hour basis.

We broke up in early 2015, when I was 23. The reason being that I reconnected with Logan and I liked the way Logan made me feel more. That was all that mattered when I was 23.

When I was with Logan, from 23 to 27, was when my adult brain really developed. And that’s when the bridge to the future started materializing in front of me, brick by brick. And because Logan was the most responsible person I had ever dated, a future with him was easy to conceptualize.

He had a family who loved and supported me, who embraced me as part of their family and introduced me as their daughter-in-law, even though we weren’t married. Logan and I planned together how we would combine our last names when we got married, how we would live in Australia together for a few years, and how we would decorate our future home.

Even though we never lived together, we did so many day-to-day domestic things together that it was easy to conceptualize the kind of life a future with him held. In the best parts of our relationship, everything felt fun and easy with him. I remember going to the grocery with him for the first time in Nebraska during the road trip, and joking around with each other hand-in-hand thinking, ‘Even the most mundane things feel fun with him. I hope I spend the rest of my life feeling like this,’

I think that’s why I struggled so much to mentally disconnect myself from him, despite the years of no-contact and the glaring evidence of his abusive behaviors: he was enmeshed in the concept of my future from the very dawn of its creation.

And what I decided in the process of getting over him was, I don’t have to let go of the entire future I built for myself just because he’s not going to be in it. I can still travel wherever I want to go. I can still live in Australia for a few years. I can still play new board games and learn about history and discover new places and foster stronger bonds with my family.

And, so much of that, I’ve been able to do. And now, I can confidently say that I’m doing it for me and that the holes in my chest left in his absence are filled.

Rebecca and I sat in Tabletop Game and Hobby last week, learning to play Azul. She’s a good teacher. She’s patient. She lets us catch up with each other about our lives first, and what our orientation experiences have been like, then gently prods us to start playing. As we move the tiles across the board, her instructions start to click into place and a strategy starts brewing in my mind. I’m content. I missed this feeling.

Just as I start to tire of my favorite song of the moment on repeat, a notification for a new Sawbones episode appears about Leprosy. I love listening to podcasts about medical history and I can’t wait to learn. Not to feel in the loop. Not to share with anyone to impress them. Just for me.

Shawn takes me to a haunted asylum in Liberty. It’s been there waiting for me on the other side of town every time I’ve driven to Jewell, but I never knew it was there. We explore the abandoned rooms and walk hand-in-hand through a dark, ominous hallway of the morgue. I feel an internal, magnetic pull to be physically close to him that I haven’t felt for anyone in a very long time. He takes me upstairs and instructs me to turn off my flashlight and let him lead me to someplace special. On principle, I do not trust men, but there is something particularly authentic and disarming about him that allows me to make an exception this one time. He leads me through the dark and onto the most beautiful balcony I’ve ever seen. Vines and natural overgrowth frame the backdrop, and we’re overlooking the super blue moon and the winery. There are tourists stumbling around nearby, so it feels simultaneously safe, taboo, and secluded. Sitting next to each other on the brick of the balcony, we lean into the most natural, mutually-initiated kiss of my life. I don’t know what the future holds with him, but I know that this was a moment in my life that was always supposed to happen.

And more than ever, more than in 2015-2018, I’m sure that I’m on the right track.

#amlao #I guess these are my conversations with the universe

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thecpdiary · 2 years ago

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Arnold Schwarzenegger on Mental Health

In his own words:

“Wow. This is a big one. I first want to acknowledge the psychologist that commented asking me to remind my audience that there is nothing wrong with therapy. I agree 100 percent. I talked about this in a previous newsletter, but you should treat your mind no differently than your body. You have to train both. If your knee was holding you back and making you limp everywhere, you’d go see a physical therapist. There is no shame at all in admitting you need help with your mind. None. In fact, if you’re thinking about giving money to some guru who promises to make your life perfect, spend it on a therapist instead. Let’s train those minds.

Mental Health Crisis

So… back to the question. I don’t know what’s going on with men’s mental health. I see articles about a mental health crisis among men. But I also see articles about a mental health crisis among young women and girls. It seems like we might just have a human crisis.

I’m not an expert. You’d be better off asking the psychologist who asked me to make a comment about therapy. But you want my opinion, and so did she. So, I’ll share it.

Social Media and Mental Health

I am simple, so I ask myself what changed. Here is what I see: social media. People spend all day online, and there are a lot of bullshit artists and charlatans and outrage salespeople on the internet; the “influencers” who tell you that you have to wear this or you’re worthless, the people who tell you the world is falling apart even though by most measures it is better than ever, or the shysters who sell you some bogus class about how to be a man. I’ll give you guys a hint: nobody needs a class on that. And nobody who is a real leader goes around calling themselves an “alpha.” It’s absurd. If anybody did that in Gold’s Gym we would have laughed until they stopped.

Building up confidence

Social media has caused a crisis of confidence because people lose their sense of purpose scrolling feeds all day. They’re told to be scared, and they’re told they aren’t good enough. We need to sign off and build up confidence in the real world, which I talked about earlier this week as something you do by taking a small step to do the thing that makes you uncomfortable and then taking a bigger step and on and on. You don’t need to project this crap on the internet. That’s fake confidence. The real kind takes work and constant reps and feeling uncomfortable, and too many people shy away from all of those things. I think people aren’t willing to feel a little out of their comfort zone for even a minute, but life isn’t going to be comfortable all the time, so it throws them out of whack when they hit the crappy parts.

Limit your 'social media' presence

If I could tell these men and women anything, it would be to turn off the social media, think about your biggest insecurity, and go start working on it out in the real world. Go outside, exercise, talk to real people. Stop listening to these influencers and what they think you need. They are selling you. And before anyone says I’m “throwing shade” at someone specific, I just learned about all this how to be a man stuff recently when a reporter said to me that I was the antithesis of a few of these shysters I hadn’t heard of, and I couldn’t believe it is happening. But I am happy to be here to provide a positive voice on social media and the internet.

And again, I’m not an expert. If you’re struggling, get help. That takes real strength.” (Source: Medium)

Conclusion

Personally, I've been writing on my 'mental health' blog for 13 years now. In May, I'll be into my 14th year. It's great to see Arnold Schwarzenegger adding his weight to mental health talking about the fact that men, women and children alike, need to be proactive, to deal with their mental health, or perhaps it's less of a discussion, because people are generally slow on the uptake, not much is happening around mental health. If you are struggling to get help that takes strength, but it's well worth the effort.

As the saying goes, "you can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink." We all have the opportunity to deal with mental health, and while we're not being forced to act on mental health, dealing with mental health staves off illness and untimely deaths, therefore it is important to be proactive. Don’t ignore mental health, talk about it, read the book, act on it, be proactive for mental health. The onus is on you, it's on me, it's on all of us to deal with mental health.

For anyone talking about mental health, we don't get a good press, primarily because we're asking others to think about and become proactive on something they should already be proactive on. But like Arnold Schwarzenegger highlights in his piece, it's important to be proactive, not something we should ignore. Ignoring it is usually at our own cost.

As an independent author I rely on goodwill and people kindly spreading the word. Please help support me. If you are interested in dealing with your mental health and you fancy grabbing copies of my books, they are available to purchase on my website https://www.thecpdiary.com/my-books/

For more inspirational, life-changing blogs, please check out my site https://www.thecpdiary.com

#thecpdiary #blog #arnold schwarzenegger #on #MentalHealth #MentalHealthAwareness #MentalHealthMatters #Anxiety #Depression #Selflove #BeProactive #onMentalHealth #DealWithYourMentalHealth

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perpetualoutkast · 2 years ago

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In my life, of what seems like mistake after mistake, I don’t know what I did to make a friend like you. Seeing everyone turn their backs on me, in my lowest point & darkest days. You kept your word & have stood beside me, even when I was going nuclear on a public stage. Your umbrella has been something, I’ve been caught inside, since the first time I laid eyes on you, all the way back in high school. Your cheerleading pin, has always hung on my wall. I can’t tell you how many times, I’ve looked at it, just to put a smile on my face. Or, that it has lifted me out of a dark place.

Everyone might look at you & get caught in how absolutely beautiful you are. That’s a mistake, because then they don’t see the greatest gift you ever had. It was always your mind & intelligence that captivated me. I could sit there all day in Chemistry class & just get lost in you, as you worked away, to solve the problem.

You were my first muse I ever had, inspiring me to write poetry, about what you meant to me. I was so terrified handing that first one. I’ve never been able to hide my feelings about you, because I never wanted you not know you were something special. I remember I had wrestling meet early one Saturday & you had plans also. We missed that school dance, except you invited me over for pizza together in your basement watching a movie together.

I never second guess skipping out on senior prom, because I just couldn’t see you there dancing with another guy. Yet, I never once disrespected you or tried pushing myself onto you. You were the type of woman I always found myself dreaming of, but knew I never wanted lose you as a fiend in my life. So, I also walked a tight rope around you, making sure I never crossed any other line.

I’ve always enjoyed every moment we ever shared together. I enjoyed meeting your family & your momma has always been my favorite. Watch out though, can’t be disrespecting the roses, now. I think she might of enjoyed those more than you did when I gave them to you. I’ve never forgotten how she was so in awe of them.

There was so much I learned from you, on our late night phone conversations. I might as well of, just taken notes, cause you weren’t tree of knowledge. I learned new thing, you convinced to try things I didn’t want to & your favorite thing, has been a life crusade of mine to master. Hoping one day, I’d be able to show that to you personally.

Tina used to get on me, teasing the first two years of college. She could still see how I was still, all caught up over you. I can’t help it, my heart was yours. You were literally love at first sight. I remember asking someone when that happened. I just had to know who you were. It’s only grown over time, especially in my moments of trials & tribulations.

I’m so sorry I missed everything, I mean of all people, how the hell could I be so clueless. I hate myself so much, for being absent. You were missing your biggest fan, for so many years. I don’t know what it is about you, but girl I can’t ever quit you. It’s not fair & I feel bad about others. I have such a high level of love to a few in my life, but I have to be honest. You have always held my thrown & when I found you again. It was a wtf moment, it changed everything. I had no clue or idea, I’d ever see you again. Now, I just worry I never lose you again.

In that poem, do you remember that last line?

Please, don’t let me be just another paige, in your life story. It’s so hard to trust anyone & all I’ve wanted, was just a friend. You have shown me more, than I could ever have imagined or dreamed asking for.

You lifted me up & I want to spend the rest of my life, lifting you up even higher. Shattering all these glass ceilings, that have held not only women but minorities behind. My dreams were never fame, money & being a celebrity. Mine was having a family. Now, I just want to spend every day I have left, showing you, that you are the most amazing woman in the world & showing you what you mean to me & how special you truly are. You can’t even put it into words, the way I feel about you. There’s no limits or boundaries, which can contain my heart or my feelings in loving you.

I have one question, What took you so long? I tried to tell you all this, back when we were teenagers. Even after all the horrors that went through. I would do it over & over every single time, if in the end, I got to be with you.

I lost everything, but I found you again. That’s a price, I’m willing to pay. You are priceless, there’s no amount of money, I’d ever sell you away for. I can write & write about you forever.

Thank you,

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3x3-flowers · 2 years ago

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What do I want to achieve this year?

I know we often see blogs with the achievements they wanna do this year and it’s so cheesy, but I wanna preface by saying that I have always been so intimidated by these people because they always listed down the biggest tasks such as saving up a lot of money, losing a lot of weight, meanwhile normal people know that it is much easier to save up a lot of weight and lose a lot of money.

So, I wanted to lay down some actual challenging yet also achievable goals. Some of these goals can be very specific but…this is also kind of my list in my own blog.

Start and finish a commonplace book/journal

I'm not a consistent person when it comes to making journals, however I have been trying to put myself into a state of mind where I start reading again. It’s a lot for me to even start reading again because I’ve just been so busy with life to the point, I find it pointless to even start a book because every few minutes I just stand up and do something else.

I'm the type of person who binge reads and binge journals. I put all my time and all my effort in a specific time slot to get myself situated and ready to create/read something, but when you’re a core member/facilitator/big sister/daughter of a disabled mother/honour roll student, you don’t really get that luxury of being able to just sit down. I find it really hard to spend time on myself, in fact that’s why I’m even considering going back to blogging on a regular weekly basis. I wanna finish something and be proud of it.

Focus more on my studies

Has anyone ever heard of the saying “don’t let schooling get in the way of your education”? Because if you have, chances are…you already know what I’m going to say. From personal experience, I find that school is a great way of introducing me to a topic, however it is not a good way for me to learn. I learn a lot more by self study and by interactions with other people. I have focused a lot on my school life and it has gotten in the way of things that I really like pursuing such as learning about economics, practising art anatomy, and teaching myself how to become a leader. All of these things, I often study and actively try to teach myself but due to the large amount of academic and school works, it has become quite a bother on my own education.

In this year, I wanna focus on self growth, thus I’m making room for self-education. I'm going to lessen some work load on my hands, if a project no longer feels like it's a good idea, then I’ll simply leave it. This year, I want good results, if not better.

Table at a convention

Tabling at a convention with my products, my art, and all that jazz…it has been a dream of mine ever since I stepped foot inside a convention hall. My very first con, I told my friend that we should get a table and sell at a convention hall. I feel like I’ve grown much as an artist, and though I know I still have plenty to learn, I think it would be about time for me to get in there.

Though I do a lot of illustrations and cute drawings, I also sell other stuff like earrings and bracelets! I have a few ideas on what to sell and I’ll even make a product list if anyone asks for it, but essentially…I just have a lot of stuff to sell aka I have a lot of things I need to get rid of. I would love to do a table this year, and I would be down to participate in anything like that.

Build myself a LookBook

I have always been a big fashion person and I have gone through a lot of phases with my style, however ever since I started going to the thrift market and referencing a ton of “clean girl” looks, I’ve realised a big part of my style revolves on that fact that I might be someone’s grandma. I wanna make myself a LookBook aka I have to face my fear of taking pictures in public and actually take photos of myself. I wanna really hammer it into myself that I’m going to have to start accepting that I look like what I look like. This is a big project for me to finally start practising my body neutrality and to find a lot of peace in how I'm perceived.

Get my average higher

So…technically speaking, my average is already high. In fact my average is 1.2 during my last two semesters, and in our grading system…the total 100 perfect is a Flat 1. So to be complete about it, my grades are not bad at all. However, due to a mistake in my last sem…I got a 1.35 average and to me this was an atrocity. I would not honestly let that slide, if not for the fact that I worked hard to fix that grade, I worked perfectly. Day and Night, I did so the fact that I didn’t get the grade I wanted, it made me see red.

So this year, to rectify my mistake, I’ve taken it upon myself to actually try. To study and to submit all of my work properly. I could not risk it again and I will certainly never do so again, so this is to hoping I get a really high grade soon

After all those resolutions, this year my main goal is to be a better version. I think almost everyone always wants that, to just be a better person. To get better, to do better, to be better. It’s so easy to say and to put into a mantra but being better just takes so much hard work that when you do try to be a better person, everyone seems to try to mess you up.

But that is what life is about and I want to enjoy it while I’m in my prime. I’m only 19 and I’ll be 20 this year. I wanna show who I can be, I wanna show everyone what I can be. I know this year will be tough, but when was any year ever any easier?

#no beta we die like ice pick joe #Not the fucking goncharov reference ToT #What? Magnolia actually doing her thing??? Actually blogging?#Magnoliaxfridays #MaggyFriday

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squeakysleeper · 2 years ago

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12/10/22

I am going to complain wholeheartedly in this one I’ve got conversations rattling around upstairs that suck.

This man. This fucking guy.

It’s been since before Thanksgiving since I’ve spoken with my soon-to-be ex-husband and that is a relief so I don’t know why this is hitting me so hard today. I’ve told people about this in a ‘can you believe this shit’ borderline haha way because if you can’t laugh about it what can you do? I am not laughing today.

I’ve wanted kids at different points in the last ten years, desperately so. It came in waves because my spouse either vehemently didn’t want them or I felt we weren’t in a safe place for it then, but in the last few years that dream had been crushed under the realization that my spouse was indeed the type to be resentful of anything that might get in the way of him running his solo show. There was never a team effort with him, and hell, he often resented me for asking him for help with our joint bills like the fucking utilities because he wouldn’t have his entire paycheck to spend on clothes and weed. He made more than me but could run through an entire paycheck in a day with nothing to show for it. I was desperately clutching at straws too keep us afloat. Not a great environment for kids and fuck I’d be damned before I raised a child in a two parent household where they had to bear the brunt of being unloved or resented or abused by one of them.

But I stayed, because I felt it was still my responsibility to care for this man because even though he’s fucking thirty good damn years old, leaving him to deal with bills and basic needs like food and shelter that he has never once tried to help with or learn despite my literal begging over the years somehow felt on par like leaving a baby in the middle of the street. Not to mention the casual ‘if I didn’t have you I’d kill myself’ statements I’ve had to fucking catch with both hands so many times, so you know, I just gave up those dreams and stayed.

And I knew he had a kid, he’d knocked up a girl in highschool. When I found out about it at 18 I was worried that because he had nothing to do with that child, that might not look good for any children we might have after marriage and between that and two instances of SA that I was dealing with that year, one done by him (though considering the other was far more severe and at the forefront of mind, I somehow didn’t connect it for exactly what it was until years later and had mostly excused it under ‘horny teenage boy behaviour that was still horrendously not okay but somehow forgivable’ ) I tried to leave. Before we ever were married.

My mother wouldn’t have it. Turned it into a strongly implied ‘you will marry him or you aren’t my daughter’ situation. Excused the child by saying ‘eh he’s a kid’ when he was absolutely 17. Old enough to deal with consequences of having a baby.

So we were put back on track and a few years later we married.

We were not happy, he kept dropping jobs and I kept getting older and in let me tell you in a small country town they seem to think your womb dries up at 25 so there was a lot of pressure and absolutely no security. When we found it later for a short time after moving across country the subject of children came up and was shut down very swiftly and vehemently by his lack of desire to have them. He didn’t want them to ruin his life, said he never wanted them despite our many conversations prior to marriage where he was enthusiastic about the concept with me. That fucking sucked.

Later that year, I learned he was having an affair with a woman with a kid, both of which he would take places and spoil rotten, often with the money we desperately needed.

I stuck it out for a few more years once that ended and the children discussion came up a few more times, and either he would shut it down or near the end when he shockingly started to bring it up, I would because our marriage still wasn’t healthy and fuck if that’s not a great start to any new life. In the last year, though emotionally our life together was still a minefield, financially we had actually started to pull in more money than we had ever had, and a future like that began to seem possible with help, lie counselling or couple’s therapy. Truth be told, it never should have been, and I should have known better but want can make you blind and I spent a lot of time in that marriage wanting many things, and chose a willful ignorance of both the abuse I was being dealt and also the fact that at that time anyone else would look at his behaviour and clock it as a man with an obvious affair and I wasn’t an idiot, but he said it wasn’t and I wanted to believe him because the alternative was too frightening for me to handle so I did.

It wasn’t until I was smacked in the face via definitive proof of the affair that had been going on for over a year, that I did anything about it. Another woman with a kid he adored and spoiled beyond all reason, because of course. I found the strength to bail (and he had to leave first, a week before I even knew, though he tried to come back immediately).

After he got violent toward himself and me very suddenly (he didn’t hit me but he kicked in a door) a friend came and picked me up early since we were scheduled to move elsewhere a few days later. My spouse called to tell he had tried to commit suicide among other things, including crying and asking me to come back and hold him because his girlfriend had ghosted him, which he blamed on me because he was certain we were talking even though I’ve never spoken to her and have zero desire to and was in fact probably due to his increasingly erratic behaviour that I also wouldn’t want around a child. I also found out in those few days that the girl he’d gotten pregnant in high school hadn’t actually cut him off the way I thought, and that the real reason he hadn’t spoken to his family in ten years was that she had been trying to contact him about his son the entire time and was an active part of the family even without him around. Fucking. Wild.

But the thing that’s rattling around up there today is something he said and I could not tell you when except that it was after I knew about everything. He told me that he knew I wanted a child, and in the future when I was ready he wanted to be the one to give that to me. He didn’t want me to feel like he’d taken that from me after ten wasted years so he offered to knock me up at a time of my choosing as some kind of fucked up consolation prize.

What. The. Fuck.

Today I am livid. Today I am spitting fire. All of the horrible things that fucking man has done to me for years, all of the emotional trauma and gaslighting and financial stress that I bore alone for ten. years. The fucking audacity.

‘Well, since I clearly don’t think you have options or respect your feelings or general autonomy and I don’t want you to come out of all of this with no potential future here let mE PUT A FUCKING BABY IN THERE FOR YOU’

I’m not fine but I can’t actually scream I’ll scare my roommates and the cats.

Fuck that guy honestly.

Fuck that fucking asshole. Fuck.

#tw: suicide attempt #tw: sa #snapshots in life #i am angry and this is focused on one thing #i am grieving #I feel robbed and disrespected #I honestly hope he dies in a fire #may he never find someone who loved him as unconditionally as I did again #they will only be hurt #and that is not fair

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ember373 · 2 years ago

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11/30/22 12:24 am

Have you ever had a thought in your head, and it’s the middle and the end, but the beginning is kind of hazy? That’s where I’m at right now. Lol. Trying to figure out where to start with this thought that I want to get out.

I feel…trapped. Stuck. I keep doing hard things thinking that it will be the turning point to something better. I took the first hard step, now the rest should be a little easier, no? But that doesn’t seem to be the case. I believe that everything happens for a reason and, while we should never stop striving to be the best version of ourselves and improve ourselves, there are some things you just can’t control. Things are a bit more settled than they were say a few years ago, but they’re still…hmm…idk. I’m still sad. And trapped. And want to die just about every day. I’m still…so…tired.

I needed to get a job, so I got a job. A great job! I love my job! But…it doesn’t pay me enough to be able to support myself on my own. No benefits. No paid vacation. I get to help people…but there’s no help for me. It’s depressing. So I’ll either need to eventually leave my job or… :/ And all money keeps getting sucked into expenses they shouldn’t so I haven’t saved any because I’m just so tired and don’t want to write endless lists of bills to try to get every penny back that I should. It’s just easier to give it all up. So I’m working…to make him happy? So he can spend more? So he can be relieved of financial pressure from his dumb choices? Fuck me…

And that’s a whole other thing! I did the hard thing and talked to him and now? Nothing. It’s like the talk never happened. I could see him trying and it lasted quite a while and I though oh. Maybe he changed? Not that I would want to stay because of it, but it’s a bit more peaceful. Except…it didn’t last. He’s winding up again. The other day he made me cry. I had to hide downstairs and muffle my sobs because I didn’t want the kids to know. And he was oblivious. Outside hanging up Christmas lights. He was frustrated, yelled at me and made me feel like crap, and was able to go on with life because the pressure was relieved. But what about me? I just get to cry. I’m suffocating. It’s ok you’ll learn to breathe. I want to die. Well, let me do the dishes. I’m depressed. I won’t say anything about the house for a while. We’re good, right? Right? Fucking A. I think he was just trying to be nice because I must be going through a phase. He doesn’t hear me when I tell him I’ve felt like this for years. He doesn’t listen when I told him I wanted to drive my car into oncoming traffic because I’m that unhappy. He didn’t hear me when I told him I miss physical contact and don’t want it with him. Or rather, he heard. He just ignored it. If we don’t talk about it, it didn’t happen.

But you know what? If I got my wish, then what? I have a job I can’t support myself on, I’ll have no healthcare, I have nowhere to really go…. What a joke. Young master was right. My life is just one big joke.

And schooling? Ha! It’s farther away than I thought. And if I leave, then what? I can’t even manage to hang on to my money, how am I going to pay for school? And ya I know what? They want me to go to school to put some letters after my name to make the reports look better, but are they going to pay me more? No. Are they going to pay for my school? No. So now I’m like what’s even the use?

What’s the use to do anything anymore? I feel like I’m in quicksand or something where every step I take just sinks me more instead of bringing me closer to my goal. And sitting still doesn’t help because I’m still sinking, just a tad bit slower. I feel like there’s no way out. I hate this.

And everything with YM…ugh. We’re back to me messaging him and him ignoring me. A sentence here and there. Every day I tell myself it’s for the best. He deserves better. Just be his friend. You have no right to want him. You’re way too old. Too fat. Too emotionally unstable. Too crazy. Too old looking. Too plain looking. You’re just not the standard he should have. Why did you ever think that you had a chance? Lmao. So may better women out there and I always think I’m special. Ha!

You know, I’m so tired of putting my all in and still not being good enough. My love. My loyalty. My humiliation. My joy. My tears. None of it is ever good enough. I remember when we first started talking he told me he would cherish and adore me. Ha! That quickly changed. Now he can’t even be bothered with me most days. He found me lacking. I’m not good enough. Not strong enough. All I want is to be loved and adored. Is that too much to ask? What about me makes me so unloveable and not able to adore? What about me is never good enough? Never mind…I know the answer to that. EVERYTHING.

So I think I’m done with love. This last one just kinda broke me. And I really don’t feel like bouncing back up and trying again. I still want him. And I’m kinda content to just leave it that way. He wants me to find someone who will love me and make me happy? Pffffft. Moron. That person doesn’t exist. They never did and they never will. And ya know? I’m so old now. How many years do I have left? Hopefully not many. One of my grandpa’s died at 54. If I could only be so lucky. That would give me mmm…8 years left. Bah! That’s still too long tho.

I think instead of hoping for love and someone to adore me, I’m just going to hope for death. Maybe, if I wish it with all my heart, I can manifest it to happen. I’m tired. I don’t see a way out. I can’t leave because I have nowhere to go and no money to support myself. I’m stuck here. I hate this. I hate this so much. Why am i so goddamn unloveable? I guess after his long if I still don’t have an answer to that, I never will. So get busy living or get busy dying. I guess we all know which one I choose. Hm.

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m4tthewmurd0ck · 3 years ago

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𝐒𝐡𝐚𝐫𝐩 𝐄𝐝𝐠𝐞𝐬 ~ (𝐓𝐨𝐦 𝐇𝐨𝐥𝐥𝐚𝐧𝐝) 𝐏𝐞𝐭𝐞𝐫 𝐏𝐚𝐫𝐤𝐞𝐫 𝐱 (𝐅𝐞𝐦𝐚𝐥𝐞) 𝐑𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐞𝐫!

𝐂𝐡𝐚𝐩𝐭𝐞𝐫: 【 𝐎𝐍𝐄 】

𝙬𝙤𝙧𝙙 𝙘𝙤𝙪𝙣𝙩: 2.1k

J. JONAH JAMESON WAS AT IT AGAIN. “Spider-Man is a coward! The good that he has done does NOT excuse any of the bad. Who is he? If you’re watching this, show yourself and we—”

MJ mutes the news as that reporter goes on and on about Spider-Man and how he should identify himself… again. “Sorry about that,” she turns to you and shrugs. “Owner likes to keep the news on all day. Eventually I’m sure he’ll have you working up here by yourself and as long as he’s not out here, you can do what I usually do and just have it on mute.”

“A lot of people seem to be obsessed with Spider-Man.”

Another shrug. “Pretty much. Ever since the whole Mysterious deal. Not me though.”

“You’re not curious who he is?��

“Nope.” The little bell rings just then, signaling someone entering the shop. They both turn, and MJ waves the person over. “This is Ned,” she points to the boy, then motions to you, introducing you, “it’s her second day here.”

Ned smiles at you before sitting down and putting his backpack on the counter and taking a pamphlet out.

“MIT huh?” That was one of the schools that you had been considering. Well… before.

“Yup! That’s the plan. We got rejected actually but then the school called and asked us to come in and… I don’t know what happened, actually. But we’re in!”

You couldn’t help but smile at how excited he was. “Well, congrats! I wish I knew what my plan was, or even where I wanted to go.”

“Oh you’re going to college soon too, that’s awesome! Where have you applied?”

You appreciated that Ned seemed genuinely curious. “Umm… nowhere, actually. At least not yet. I still have no clue what I want to do with my life. I think a gap year might be good for me, it’ll give me a better chance to figure out my life at least.”

MJ munches on a donut, using her free hand to point to you. “Now that’s a good idea. If I’d thought more about it before, I would probably do that too. But with the whole you’re not accepted no wait you are accepted thing with MIT, I don’t think I can afford to take any chances. It would’ve been cool though, take some time off from learning and just focus on work and saving money.”

“Yeah,” Ned nods in agreement. “I already know I’m going to have to get a part time job if I want any extra spending money.”

The bell dings again, and MJ offers to take care of the customer.

“Do you live around here? I don’t think I’ve seen you at Midtown.”

You shake your head. “I didn’t go there, I’ve been at Trinity* since kindergarten. I was living with my… uncle. But I’m almost eighteen and he agreed to rent an apartment for me. Then once I am legally an adult, the lease will transfer over to my name.”

“Are you like, rich?”

“Dude!” MJ hears the tail end of the conversation, earning Ned a slap on the back of his head. “Sorry. Sometimes he doesn’t think before he speaks.”

Hearing this, you laugh. “It’s fine, I promise. Umm, I wasn’t really as rich as you’re probably thinking. I mean we weren’t poor but I got in because my parents were good friends with the admissions people at Trinity. Then when I was old enough where the grades really mattered and determined what kids stayed, I was getting straight A’s by then.”

“Oh that’s still cool. You must’ve been super smart to stay there that long. And your uncle lets you live by yourself.”

“It’s lonely, but yeah it has its perks. As far as my uncle is concerned though, I mean he and I haven’t really been close. I was twelve when my parents died and he took me in but it was like he never really knew what to do with me, I guess. I stayed in the same house and he had a caregiver live with me full time. Even though I could take care of myself pretty much, just so that he wasn’t leaving a minor on their own. I’m surprised he was so open to the idea of me getting an apartment though.”

“Is it nearby?”

“Yeah, and it’s… not the nicest. Pretty small, actually. But I’m not looking for anything fancy since the goal is to not be there much. I’ll hopefully be pretty busy with this job, and pa— just, my other part time job.”

Ned nods in understanding, impressed that you’ll be juggling 2 jobs and school.

You, on the other hand, want to crawl into a hole. You can’t believe you almost slipped like that, and when Ned and MJ don’t ask what your other job is, you have to stop yourself from sighing in relief.

The next couple of hours are spent talking, and / or helping customers. You and MJ take turns helping customers as they come in, and Ned is happy to just talk to whoever isn’t busy.

“Hey, what’d I say about turning the volume down so low?” The remote is grabbed and the volume turned up so high that you’re pretty sure the store next door could hear it. You and MJ are both thankful that your boss doesn’t stay out front with you to make sure the volume stays on all day.

“— if you or anyone you know has any tips or proof of Spider-Man’s identity, we are asking you to call the number on your screen. Thanks for watching folks, I’m J. Jonah Jameson bringing you the latest on all things Spider-Man.”

The 3 of you just stand there, shaking your heads.

“I feel bad for whoever he is,” you sigh.

“Really? Why?” Ned raises his eyebrows, surprised.

“I mean, I don’t know. You guys all know the good things that Spider-Man has done. There has to be more to the story, why after all this time and all the help he’s given, all the lives he has saved, why would he turn around and just do everything they’re accusing him of?”

“True, but I mean… is it an accusation if there’s proof? You saw the video Mysterio recorded right?”

You hold your hand up in mock surrender. “Yeah, yeah I get it. I’m just saying this can’t be easy for him.” You glance up at the screen just in time to see a picture of him right before it disappears. “I can’t imagine having to hide who you are from the world when you’re out saving it, much less when everyone’s holdings their pitchforks wanting to turn you in.”

MJ returns from helping another customer. “You guys think there’s anyone who knows who he is?”

“I’m sure there’s at least one person. Either that, or he has no one. How would you even go about hiding such a huge part of your life like that? Even if whoever he is was our age, he’d still have school and probably a job too. You’d have to have a million excuses on hand.”

Ned interrupts the Spider-Man talk, seeing a commercial on the TV. “Do you like Star Wars?”

MJ laughs and rolls her eyes, saying she will gladly take the next few customers if it means she can skip out on “the nerd talk”.

“Umm, I’ve actually never seen the movies. I mean the first ones I did when I was a kid but lately I—”

“What? Please tell me you’re joking.”

You shake your head. “Nope. Just never really got into it I guess. I won a giveaway though, some radio contest yesterday and—”

“You won the Lego Death Star?!”

“Yeah, but it’s over four-thousand pieces. I didn’t think I’d actually win, I just wanted to call and see if I could get all the trivia questions right. Now I feel like I have to build it.”

“I can help!” Ned quickly grows more excited. “I built one by myself.”

“You just met her, did you really just invite yourself over to her house?”

Seeing the way MJ and Ned jokingly bicker, you decide that you’re glad about the decision to move. Even all these years later, being in the family home that you grew up in was still painful. This fresh start was going to be a good thing, you were sure of it.

Ned ended up hanging out until you and MJ closed up for the night. Just a few minutes before MJ went and turned off the flashing ‘open’ neon sign, you heard the sound of the bell once more.

“There you are Peter Parker!”

You turned to see a boy who looked to be about your age.

MJ waves you over, “this is Peter Parker. He’s one of our new regulars. Usual cup of coffee?”

“Umm y-yeah, that’d be great. T—thanks.”

As MJ went to go pour his cup, you turned to him and smiled. “Why does she call you by your first and last name?”

At this, Peter blushed a little from embarrassment. “I… it’s stupid. I, um, when I first came in and introduced myself I told her my first and last name. I don’t know why I did it, but now she calls me that every time she sees me.”

“Oh, well then nice to meet you Peter Parker,” you introduce yourself using your first and last name, hoping to make him feel a little better about that situation.

When Peter tries to hand MJ money, she shakes her head. “We’re just about to close, would’ve poured the rest of the pot out anyway.”

“Oh, thanks.” A big grin appeared on Peter’s face. You wondered why he was so happy about a free small cup of coffee.

“You’re welcome to sit and drink it, we just have to clean up,” MJ offers. You smile at Peter once more before grabbing a rag to wipe down the counters.

“How have you not watched Star Wars?” Ned is still unable to believe it.

“You’re still on that? Okay if it makes you feel any better, when I get some free time, I promise to start watching. Maybe I’ll even sit and build the Lego set while I’m at it.”

Peter looks at you. “Wait you’ve never seen Star Wars? But it’s awesome!”

“See! Even he gets it,” Ned smiles, happy to hear that someone else also enjoys the franchise. He holds his hand out for a high-five, and Peter happily obliges.

“What set do you have?”

“The death star.”

Peter’s eyes widen a little. “No way we— I— built one of those. Four-thousand-and-sixteen pieces, good luck.”

“No way me too!” Ned moves over and sits in the chair closest to Peter, instantly pulling him into a conversation about the movies, and how long it took each of them to build the Death Star.

It was a pretty slow day, so it’s only 15 minutes later that the place is cleaned up and ready for the next day.

“I’ll get out of here, bye guys. And it was nice meeting you,” Peter waves before putting his jacket on to head outside.

“You too, bye Peter Parker!”

“Not you too,” he groans, but smiles to show you that he’s only joking.

After another minute, he leaves, and not long after that you exit the shop with MJ and Ned. MJ locks the door, putting the key in the front pocket of her backpack.

“Want us to walk you home?” Ned offers.

“I’m okay, my place isn’t too far.” You say goodbye to the 2, telling MJ she’ll see her for their shift tomorrow morning. As you head in the opposite direction, you’re unaware of the piece of black fabric with a distinct symbol sticking out of her backpack.

“Did you guys both come straight from school?” Ned turns to MJ as they’re walking down the street.

“Huh?”

“I know today was the last day before winter break, and she goes to Trinity, but…”

“Oh umm, well you know I rushed here right after school, it’s why I didn’t walk with you. But I think she just came from her apartment. She said Trinity had their last day yesterday.”

“Oh.”

“Why?”

Ned shrugs, trying to seem casual. “I was just wondering. At least she gets a little break from school, with two jobs and all. I can’t even imagine.”

As they head towards the subway, Ned can’t help but wonder about you. If you live nearby and didn’t come from school, why bring the backpack and change of clothes? And where had he seen that symbol before?

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plutoswrath · 4 years ago

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✧ astro notes and titbits pt. 2 ✧

please do not copy my work.

other astro notes: 1, 2, 3

✧ people who have strong 8th house influence in their synastry possibly could have bonded over trauma or experienced similar hardships/traumas in life. Thus, these people usually find themselves having similar emotional patterns/emotional reactions and instincts.

✧ a general tip for people with planets in retrograde: more than often, it will be fruitless to just go ahead and copy the standard, all that is considered ‘normal’ in your eyes, because it’s what most people do. Even though in other people’s behaviour might be partly truth to you, retrogrades force you to really look deep into yourself: how do you tick? What triggers you? What feels good for you and what doesn’t? How do you operate and what motivates you? Retrogrades push us to really figure ourselves out because they do create blocks and thus let a planets energy not flow freely. If you just try to ‘fit in’ with the rest without any second thought this could potentially backfire.

✧ people with personal planets in Libra/Libra Ascendant find themselves pretty often in other peoples business (no matter if intentionally or unintentionally) but usually don’t like it when people unexpectedly do the same with them, especially if they aren’t close. With some Libra placements this can be due to their strong wish to keep a ‘pretty’ image around their life, they don’t like it when people see they are struggling.

✧ Pluto in 3rd/Lilith in Gemini or 3rd/ Scorpio in 3rd house individuals could have experienced shared trauma with their siblings (!)/cousins, they might have walked similar paths at one point in life.

-> adding on to that: with Pluto/Lilith/Scorpio in 3rd or Lilith in Gemini it’s also likely that there was an open or secret power struggle with siblings. The siblings might have fought for attention from the parental figure or about who has the ‘upper hand’ amongst the other. Lies, secrets/secretive behaviour or pushing believe systems/opinions onto the other might have been common.

✧ Lilith in the 3rd individuals especially could have struggled with always being the second option or even ‘the other woman’. In their romantic connections there could have always been someone who they needed to ‘switch places’ with and thus their partner made them feel not only neglected but also unwanted and/or reusable.

✧ Saturn in Gemini/the 3rd could have struggled with always having to take responsibility for their younger family members/siblings -> they might have not been receiving a similar amount of encouragement/praise/warmth from parental/autorative figures in family/school.

✧ The relationship between the archetype of Saturn and Pluto can actually show a part of how we become adults: Pluto can show us where we become disempowered and helpless, while Saturns energy forces us to finally take responsibility about our feelings of helplessnes/hardships and thus we start realizing how to take care of us and how to take responsibility in the physical, material and emotional realm.

✧ General observation I’ve made over the years: people with profound Cancer/Moon, Pisces/Neptune, Taurus/Libra/Venus and Gemini/Mercury influence in their chart could have struggled with people perceiving them as the ‘manic pixie dream girl’ -> there’s potential to get an unhealthy emotional attachement to these individuals as they are usually very receptive of other peoples feelings and vibes

-> This also goes for people who have Pisces/Neptune or Aquarius/Uranus in the 5th or these generational planets aspecting Venus/Ascendant or their 7th/12 house/lord of the 12th/7th house

✧ sentences you might hear from someone with Saturn in the 8th (or more so what they generally think and struggle with): “This is my, not your problem, so I don’t want your help” - “I need to be strong for the both of us, because I don’t trust you enough to let myself fall“ - “I don’t like you seeing me weak” - “I like to spend money on you but please let’s not merge our financial ressources/I need to keep it seperate!”

-> that’s because Saturns limitations and hardships fall into the house of shared ressources, these peoples problems with vulnerability and intimacy show in the way they handle shared emotions in a connection!

✧ people who have Chiron in a Cancer/household degree (28) or Pisces degree might feel like they took on the traumas/struggles from their mother/family or might be extremly aware of generational traumas inside their family and have to confront them.

✧ a general question for people with Venus in the 11th: have you ever asked yourself ‘why can’t I find a partner that is exactly like my friends?’ -> making meaningful as well as progressive friendships may come easy to these people, but finding the same support and love they receive from friends is also a crucial attribute they need in a partner. They might want that exact same friendship connection in a partner that they have with their close friends, next to romantic feelings/interactions and thus might profit from really befriending a love interest first and taking their time with them.

✧ People with strong Pisces/Neptune, Cancer/Moon and Virgo/Mercury influence need to learn to listen to their body as it is usually a constant reflection of their emotions/mind and thus would really benefit from practicing grounding techniques and body mindfulness

✧ From personal experiences I noticed that people with personal planets in/strong influence of Scorpio/Pluto, Aquarius/Uranus, Cancer/Moon, Pisces/Neptune, Capricorn/Saturn and Gemini/Mercury usually really dislike it when people treat them like a puzzle that needs to be ‘figured out’. They usually just want someone who listens and understands them. People with strong influence of those energies most of the time know about their complex emotional nature and sense of self, they like people who show effort in getting to know them, but dislike people who try to label them too much/think they know them better than they do.

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lifezvictory · 2 years ago

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More Sun And Moon show ramblings (aka me totally not procrastinating on working on any of my fics)

So I just saw the new lore/story video I was waiting on, and boy did it not disappoint! Watching it feels like I’m opening a birthday present to find what I’ve been wanting for months even though it was only a day or two.

First of all, I would like to formally (and very sincerely) apologize to Lunar. I was worried that he was blindly trusting Blood Moon, thinking that he’d actually give a crap about him once his body was built, and maybe a part of him did given his little monologue thingy at the end of the last lore episode. but he doesn’t, at least not fully; what he said to Monty this episode proves that. So yeah, Lunar, I’m really sorry for underestimating you; I hope you can forgive me.

When we learned that Lunar was trying his best to not let Moon be in pain, I melted. I’m tempted to write a fluffy oneshot with him and Moon having a bonding moment over that (and maybe the glowing body thing too) and I would if I didn’t already have a whole bunch of other WIPs, and I wasn’t worried I’d get the characterization wrong and it’d be cringe and no one would like it, or because as i mentioned in the last post I’m blind/visually impaired and don’t know what characters/locations look like so can’t describe them well…

I’ll probably end up doing it eventually; there’s a criminal lack of fics set in this universe. Would anyone read it? Would anyone like it? I know that’s not really the point and i should write for me, but validation is really nice. It’s in the hierarchy of needs. So writing fanfiction isn’t just a hobby; it can greatly assist in fulfilling your emotional needs. /ot

Ugh! I just love Lunar so much. /p And I’m so grateful for Monty who did what all of us craved to and helped Lunar get away from that dumbnut Eclipse. Seriously, when he tested out his taser on Lunar, I felt so bad for him, and so mad at Eclipse! I mean, if I’m not wrong animatronics are made of metal or at least have metal parts, so getting zapped like that can’t be good for him.

I want a Lunar plushie like Lunar wants a beanbag chair. If folks on Etsy could make one or something I’d give them all the money in the world, or at least as much money I can get my hands on without breaking the law and keeping myself and my fam from being homeless. I’m hugging the crap out of him in my head right now.

Okay, I should probably stop now, because this is getting a lot more tangent-y than i planned to. But it’s just, ever since I started really using Tumblr, the ‘anything goes’ vibe of it has made me right in a way that I normally wouldn’t outside of my journal.

Although, it’s probably not as long as I think it is. I have this thing where I write something and think it’s long because of all the time and effort i spend on it, only to discover that it’s a thousand words or so. And I worry that my readers will be disappointed because it’s like:

“We waited days, weeks, months, only to get something we could finish reading in five minutes???”

I don’t want to do that to people. Although I know, I’m probably overthinking it a little.

#Sun And Moon Show #Sun And Moon Show Lunar #Random #Ramblings #Random Ramblings #Fanfiction

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vampiregirl1797 · 3 years ago

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The Starlight Stone

GIF not mine.

Rhysand x Reader

Word Count: 4,898

Summary: Y/N comes from a different reality, where the characters and world she’s now living in, exist in a series of books. Rhysand takes her in, and she learns how to do something she’s never managed before… live.

Warnings: Can’t think of any? If I’ve missed anything, let me know.

Masterlist Here :)

Falling in love with new characters was as easy as breathing for me. In fact it was so easy, that before I realised it, I was only falling for them. Reading became an escape for me, a teenage girl without a shred of self-confidence, used to being the overlooked one in a group of friends, used to not attracting any kind of male attention. It was perfect, because the men I fell in love with always loved me back, never hurt me with the crushing pain of rejection, never thought I wasn’t pretty enough, or skinny enough. They loved me for me.

I just never imagined I’d wake up in one of the fictional world’s I’d read about, and come face to face with the High Lord I’d most recently falling for. I’d arrived several months ago, and of course hadn’t been able to keep a thing from the High Lord of the Night Court who’d found me trespassing on his lands. He’d gone into my head, not too far, but far enough to assess whether I was a threat to him or his people. He discovered pretty quickly that I had absolutely no skill set to be a threat, and that I absolutely was not from his world.

He’d found the concept of Prynthian being presented in a series of books both interesting and amusing, as well as him and his friends existing as characters within the novels. I was just glad he hadn’t gone far enough to find how invested I got in each of the books I read, and those who existed within them, him being one of those people. It would have been mortifying and I had wondered on more than one occasion what his reaction would be. But coming face to face with a man who had been fictional to me, and then become real overnight… it had thrown me into my insecurities. Into taking my feelings for the High Lord and shoving them down as far as I could.

‘Y/N?’ I was snapped out of my thoughts by Cassian popping his head into my room. Rhys had offered me a room at his town house when I first got here, and I’d never left. He’d offered the money to buy my own place, but I hadn’t been comfortable with the idea of that at the time, and now I had a place on his court, along with a wage of my own, but this had become my home.

‘Hey Cass, what’s up?’ I smiled, patting the empty space beside me on the enormous bed; in my world I’d never had bigger than a single, and this was about three singles put together.

‘Not much, I was gonna go into town for a little while, do you want to come with?’ His hazel eyes studied me with warmth and kindness, which was probably what had made me comfortable around him so quickly. He’d never looked at me with the disinterest I was used to being on the receiving end of from men; he saw me as a person and I appreciated him for it.

‘Sure. Anything in particular you’re after?’ I wondered letting my hair down from the messy bun I’d pulled it up onto when I’d come to relax in my room.

He shrugged, trying and failing to be nonchalant, ‘not really. Just felt like getting out.’

I sighed, shuffling to the edge of the bed to slip on my boots, ‘Rhys sent you to check up on me didn’t he? Let me guess, he thinks I’m becoming a depressed recluse?’

Cass gave me a look that was a mixture of concern and exasperation, ‘Rhys worries about you because you never leave the house. He doesn’t think you’re depressed, but he worries you’re not living either. You lose yourself in books, and you barely speak to anyone, even me.’

I turned away, pretending to busy myself with lacing up my shoes to hide the tear that slid down my cheek. Rhys was more observant than I gave him credit for. The truth was, since I’d gotten here, I’d basically been living the same as I had before; reading, sleeping, eating and more reading. I ate meals with everyone sometimes, but more often than not, I allowed the new fictional worlds offered to me here to consume me. I’d never been called out on it before. No one had ever cared enough to notice that I wasn’t just reading because I loved it, I was reading to escape the life I didn’t know how to live.

‘I-I’ I stuttered, forcing myself to stop and take a breath.

‘Hey,’ Cassian’s voice softened and he shuffled beside me on the bed to sling a muscular arm over my shoulder. My head went to his chest, not even trying to hold back my tears anymore, it seemed pointless when he could probably scent them anyway, ‘I didn’t say this to upset you, just to let you know that you’re family to us now, Y/N, and we care about you. We want you to live and enjoy life, not to fall solely in love with fictional places.’

‘This place was just a fictional place to me once.’ I murmured quietly.

‘And now you get to be here, and still choose to read yourself to death.’ He teased, chuckling softly.

I smiled, wiping away the moisture from my cheeks, because he was right. Rhys was right. I had been blessed with the opportunity to live in a reality I’d once yearned for with all my heart, and I’d been wasting it. Why? Because I was afraid to face the feelings I had for a certain High Lord, feelings that had only blossomed since coming here, despite my best efforts to avoid him. I’d been throwing myself into reading because I wanted to live in the fantasy that he would return my feelings for a little longer. But that had to stop. I wasn’t immortal here—at least I didn’t think so, I didn’t have Fae characteristics and I didn’t have any powers—and it was time to stop squandering my life being a scaredy cat.

‘You’re right. Rhys is right.’ I moved away from Cassian’s chest, wiping all evidence of my tears away, ‘lets go into Velaris. I’ve always wanted to stroll through the City and take everything in. It looks so beautiful from up here.’

Cassian grinned, and allowed me to pull him from the bed, and just like that we left the town house and were swallowed by the life of Velaris.

Six Months Later

‘I don’t think so.’ I shook my head, levelling the Shadowsinger with a no-nonsense glare, ‘it’s the Winter Solstice, which is the first one I’m spending here, it’s basically Christmas, and it’s a family holiday. You’re not flying off to wherever the heck you’re planning to go, with only your shadows for company.’

His hazel eyes were blank but he visibly stiffened. I sighed, realising that telling Azriel what he could and couldn’t do was not my place, and it definitely wasn’t the best approach.

‘I’m sorry, I don’t mean to act like I’m your keeper or anything.’ I stood from the couch where I’d been sitting, to move to where he stood in front of the fire. I placed a hand on his shoulder, and relaxed a little when he didn’t shrug me off, ‘it’s just… this means something to me. Back in my old reality, we had Christmas, which was something similar. We’d all gather, exchange presents, decorate a tree, hang decorations… but what made it special to me was the time spent with the people I loved. With the people I considered family. You’re my family now, Azriel. You, Cass, Ameren, Mor… and Rhys. Obviously it’s your choice, but if you could afford to, please don’t leave until after the holiday.’

I thought his eyes had softened at my words, but honestly it was hard to tell with the Shadowsinger. I left him alone to think over my words, kissing his cheek as I made my way outside; I still had some things left to buy for everyone. I’d gone a little overboard, but I couldn’t help it. I’d pretty much finished Mor and Ameren, I had a few last things to pick up for Cassian and Azriel, and the majority I’d left to buy were for Rhys. I already knew what I was going to get him, and most were already purchased and wrapped at each store, I’d just waited until now to get them, because while Rhys was trusted with everyone else’s presents… well giving him his own gifts just didn’t seem right. It might just have been me, but I felt like it took away the surprise, at least a little bit.

I smiled as I walked through the city, nodding in greeting to a few friendly people. Since that talk Cassian had with me six months ago, I’d started venturing out of the townhouse more and more. I still read, but it was for the fun of it now, rather than the escape from reality. I’d fallen in love with Velaris. The city was beautiful, and teeming with life and acceptance and peace… seeing it first hand really made me appreciate the efforts Rhys and everyone had gone through to protect this place, to make it a home.

‘Hey girl!’ Ameren’s voice had me looking to my right, to see her running across the cobblestone street to catch up to me, ‘you wouldn’t be out to purchase my Winter Solstice presents now would you?’ she grinned, her silver eyes sparkling with more life than usual.

I playfully rolled my eyes, ‘even if I was, I wouldn’t tell you. Your otherworld intimidation doesn’t work on me, Ren.’

She huffed, but I could see the amusement swirling in her silver irises, ‘fine. It amazes me sometimes though,’ she mused, going on to explain, ‘Cassian cracked like an egg in two seconds, told me what he’d got me straight away. But you’re immune to what makes me scary to people around here.’

I chuckled, being able to picture Cassian folding perfectly, ‘I wouldn’t say I’m the only one. And Cassian doesn’t prove anything, he’s like a big kid with this stuff. I’ve had to actually shush him to keep him from telling me about my presents, I think the excitement just gets to him. Now if you told me you’d broken Azriel, I’d be impressed.’

She huffed a laugh and tilted her head in acknowledgement of my words, ‘yeah, you might be right. He didn’t only tell me what he’d gotten me, he told me about everyone else’s too.’

I rolled my eyes affectionately, ‘that boy.’

‘Indeed.’ She shook her head, but when she met my eyes again the wicked glint in them made me brace myself slightly, ‘so what are you getting our High Lord?’

‘I’m on my way to pick up Rhys’ presents now. You can come with me if you want, so long as you don’t spoil anything.’ I gave her a pointed look and grinned at her offended look.

‘I’m not the gossip Cassian is, thank you very much, girl,’ she waved her hand dismissively, ‘anyway, I was just wondering if you were finally going to gift him with the truth.’

‘Who?’ I frowned, pulling open the door to the blacksmith’s—I’d requested a few specific weapons for Azriel, Cassian and Rhys, each custom made and fit to them specifically, ‘what truth?’

She opened her mouth to reply, but was had to wait until the blacksmith had handed over the three weapons he’d perfectly made for me. Azriel and Cassian had plenty of swords and knives and daggers, but their abundance in bows and arrows was clear. I’d seen them practice with the same one, and I doubted they had any specific for battle, which seemed a waste when they could both fly. So I’d asked the blacksmith to create some custom for them, and both now had their own bow, plenty of arrows and a quiver. Their names were engraved inside the buttery leather of their quivers, and each were made to be lightweight and able to be worn whilst flying without losing any arrows.

For Rhys I’d asked for a pair of daggers to be crafted. I’d seen him with a couple of swords, and I was sure he already had daggers too, but picking this particular weapon had just felt right, even if I knew it was likely he possessed some already. Each was pure silver, one held an amethyst stone at the hilt, while the other held an onyx stone. One for his eyes, the other for his court.

It was when we exited the shop that Ameren decided to resume her train of thought that I’d almost forgotten about, ‘the truth that you are in love with Rhys.’

It took a lot of effort not to stumble from shock, ‘what?’

‘Don’t play dumb. It’s obvious. Has been for months,’ she smirked, ‘we have bets on when you’re going to tell him. I have over the Solstice, so if you could do a girl a favour and tell him already, the winnings will be mine.’

‘Not to put a damper on your betting habits,’ I pulled her hand towards another shop I needed to go into, ‘but I’ve not got any “truth” to reveal to Rhys.’

She swore under her breath, ‘I knew I should have had spring, but there’s me being the optimist thinking you would have grown some balls and realised what we’ve all already seen by now.’

I frowned, ‘what the hell are you talking about Ameren?’

‘Rhys loves you just as much as you love him. Actually knowing him, he probably loves you even more, but he’s as much of a coward as you.’ She rolled her eyes, tucking her onyx hair behind her ear as I accepted another bag full of pre-wrapped presents for Rhys.

‘You can’t be serious.’ I didn’t know what else to say… the idea of him feeling a fraction of the love I had for him made my heart pound in my chest. I couldn’t fathom it.

‘Honestly, you’re both blind.’ She shook her head, but let the subject drop, and I was glad. Talking any more might have launched me into a full-blown panic attack.

I’d admitted to myself that fallen in love with the High Lord three months ago—for a long time I’d fought it, convincing myself I was just in love with the fictional version of him. But that theory had gone down the toilet when he’d laughed—really laughed—at a joke Cassian made, and I’d been powerless to stop myself from being overwhelmed with happiness at his happiness. It was then I accepted I was an idiot in love with a man I’d never have. But Ameren saying he did feel the same, well it made me panic because I’d never considered it a possibility before—I’d never had a man interested in me before, and the idea of it, the unfamiliarity, made me panic. So I forced it down and made myself focus on collecting the rest of my gifts.

The morning of Winter Solstice saw me rising bright and early, eager as a kid on Christmas morning. I realised that we wouldn’t be exchanging presents until the evening, after we’d all eaten, but I couldn’t tamper my excitement. So after I’d showered and dressed in leggings and a white woolly jumper, I headed to the living room to put the finishing touches on the decorations. Everything was basically done, but Rhys had found an eight-foot pine tree; I’d been telling him about the traditions of Christmas in my old reality, and he’d surprised me yesterday with a real tree. I’d hugged him tightly for it, unable to hold back my tears of gratitude at his thoughtfulness, and declared we’d have to decorate it tomorrow, after it had time to settle in the room overnight. A part of me wondered if he’d remember, but my doubt floated away upon the sight of him standing in the living room, observing the tree like he was sizing up an opponent on the battlefield. The thought made me chuckle, and he looked up to me with a smile.

‘Good morning.’ I murmured, coming over to join him, ‘is there a reason you seem to be sizing up this poor, defenceless tree?’

He grinned, his violet eyes sparkling with mirth, ‘well, other than the fact that it’s bigger than me and has an unfair advantage size-wise,’ I missed his soft smile as I laughed again, ‘I was simply wondering exactly how we’re going to decorate it.’

I softened with understanding, ‘well, lucky for you, I’m ridiculously prepared.’ I moved to pull out the box I’d stored behind the tree last night, after retrieving it from one of the shops in the art district. Magic was such a blessing here, and after I’d explained what I’d needed, and demonstrated with some awful drawings, they’d had everything made within a few hours. I pulled a few ornaments out, marvelling at the craftsmen’s ship for a moment before hanging them on the tree; there was a mixture of circular shapes and stars, in amethyst, silver, blue and black. They’d also crafted a silver star to go on top of the tree, fashioned after the star that always shone the brightest in the night sky of Velaris on the first night of Winter Solstice. It was so well made, I’d been struck speechless by how realistic it looked; as if they had plucked the star straight from the sky.

I nudged the box closer to Rhys with my foot, ‘just hang them however you want, like this.’ I gestured to the few I’d put on and smiled when he reached in and immediately followed instructions.

‘You know, if I used my magic I could have this done in under a minute.’ He commented, looking at me from the corner of his eye as if he knew my reaction before I voiced it.

‘Absolutely not! Decorating by hand is part of the fun, and the tradition.’ I protested, flicking his shoulder when I noticed his smirk, ‘if you use a flicker of magic, then there will be no presents for you.’

I frowned at the look of surprise in his eyes and he must have noticed my confusion because he said, his voice soft, ‘I didn’t think you’d gotten me anything. I didn’t mind, of course, I’m just surprised.’

‘Why would you think that?’ I turned to face him fully, ignoring the task of decorating for the moment.

‘Because you didn’t give them to me to hide.’ He shrugged, carefully placing another ornament onto the tree, ‘and I never expect gifts, from anyone regardless. I went a long time being consumed by disappointment after my mother and sister died, because my father never cared for the holiday before. But after their deaths, it bore a reminder of another year of them being gone. Then he and I enacted our revenge, and it was a while before Morrigan, Cassian and I were able to spend the Solstice together.’

I pulled him into a hug, winding my arms around his neck and not flinching at the appearance of his wings. They didn’t often appear without purpose unless he was feeling a strong emotion, but I didn’t question it when they cocooned us, his warmth radiating all around me.

‘I didn’t give you any to hide because I felt like it took away from the surprise of the holiday if I was asking you to keep your own presents.’ I murmured into his neck, missing the small shiver that passed through him, ‘I’m sorry, that you had to spend so many Solstice’s alone, Rhys. But you have a family now, one that would sooner die than leave you.’

He held me a little tighter, and I returned the gesture, burrowing further into his neck and wondering if I was imagining the increased heartbeat I could feel against my chest, or if I were perhaps mistaking it for my own.

I smiled from my seat in the armchair, enjoying the warmth emanating from the fire, and from the mug of hot chocolate I held in my hands. We had just had Winter Solstice dinner, and were taking it in turns to open our presents.

Ameren had gone first, and was grinning so wide it was almost scary at all of the jewels everyone had bought for her. Cassian had mostly been gifted weapons from everyone but Mor and me—she’d given him a sweater in the brightest green I’d ever seen, and I’d also gifted him some of his favourite liquor, a box of chocolates that Rhys had mentioned his mother got the General every year for solstice, some new books on war strategy, a new set of Illyrian leathers, and the bow and arrows I’d gotten him.

Azriel had also gained an abundance of weapons, along with a startlingly bright pair of purple socks from Mor, and some of his favourite liquor, a series of books on adventure and war I had a feeling he would enjoy, and a new set of Illyrian leathers and his new bow and arrows, from me. Mor had been given high quality clothing from everyone, and some of her favourite chocolates, wine, bath foams and salts from me. Rhys had been given a set of old leather bound books from Ameren, a Hawaiian themed shirt from Mor—mother knew where she found that—, what looked like a six-pack of beer from Cassian that had Rhys shaking his head with a reluctant smile, and a new set of Illyrian leathers from Azriel. I’d given him his new set of daggers, some of the chocolates Cassian had mentioned his mother and sister gifted him every Solstice, a painting that captured the beauty of Velaris perfectly, and something else I hadn’t yet presented to him.

I’d actually left the other gift in his room, on his pillow; it was a pendant that had caught my eye when I was buying Ameren’s Solstice gifts. The shop attendant had noticed my stare and pulled it out from beneath the glass—it wasn’t overly huge; about the size of a bottle cap. It was antique silver, with a stone at the centre that was so beautiful I’d been unable to look away from it. It reminded me of the night sky, to put it plainly. It was so blue I thought it was sapphire, but the flashes of pure light that I saw when I turned it reminded me of shooting stars. The attendant had explained it was a pendant often presented to a perspective partner as a way of showing your intentions—as a way of showing your love for them. It was often the step before the mating bond sparked, to acknowledge what you already felt for them. She mentioned that it was an out dated tradition, and many only bought the Starlight stone now purely because it was beautiful.

I didn’t know what possessed me to buy it. Maybe it was the possibility that he wouldn’t even know what it meant, maybe it was because a part of me wanted to tell him, and this was the only way I could muster the courage to do it. Either way, I’d left the small wrapped present on his black silk pillow before I’d joined the party tonight. And I’d had knots in my stomach about it since. A part of me wanted to excuse myself and take it back, but I forced that anxious part of my brain to shut up, because as much as it terrified me… I had to tell Rhys how I felt somehow, even if it meant that he didn’t feel the same way.

After the events of the evening, I decided to have a bath before I went to bed; Cassian and Azriel had passed out in the living room, one on the floor, the other on the sofa, but both were snoring loudly. Mor had made it to her room on the first floor, and Ameren had returned to her apartment. Rhys had said something about flying over the city before he turned in, and I was too awake with nerves to just slip straight into bed. So I ran some warm water into the gigantic tub that looked as if it would overflow onto the mountain below, and added some of my favourite bath foams that scented of lavender and honey—a gift from Az. I forced myself to breathe and just not think, and when my eyes started to droop I climbed out of the cooling water to dry off. I changed into the new silk gown Mor had gifted me for Solstice, and entered my bedroom only to stop short.

My heart stopped at the sight of Rhys sitting on the edge of my bed… and then picked up triple speed. He was wearing loose pyjama pants, and no shirt… and he was holding the gift box I’d left on his pillow. The lid was missing and he was staring at the pendant inside. I took a deep breath and crossed my arms over my chest to hide how my hands shook.

‘Hey.’ I bit my lip, unsure about what to do. Should I sit next to him? Stay standing in front of the fire about three feet away from him? Ask him if he liked the gift? Ask him if he knew what it meant?

His violet eyes lifted to meet mine, and I felt a wave of uncertainty wash over me at the guarded look in them, ‘do you know what this stone means?’ he asked, his voice quiet as he carefully held up the box, as if its contents were precious to him, ‘are you aware of the tradition that exists in Velaris? About what it means when someone presents this stone to another person?’

I took a deep breath, my heart pounding even faster now, and I was pretty sure I was starting to sweat. I wished I could read him better, wished I could know if he was hoping I knew, or hoping I didn’t. But he was a master of hiding his emotions, so I decided to go with the truth.

‘Yes, I know what it means.’ I admitted quietly, and knew if he didn’t have advanced hearing he wouldn’t have been able to make out the words; I could barely hear myself say them.

‘No, tell me. Tell me why you gave this to me.’ His eyes were still guarded, but his voice held a tinge of desperation, a tone I couldn’t resist from him.

‘I gave you that stone because the attendant at the jewellery store told me that the Starlight stone is what you give to a perspective partner, to acknowledge what you already feel for them, before the mating bond has sparked.’ I could feel the wariness on my face as he stood from the edge of the bed, stopping right in front of me.

He tilted my chin up to meet his eyes with his index finger and whispered, ‘and what is it you feel for me, Y/N?’

‘I love you Rhys.’ I admitted softly, missing the way his eyes softened as my gaze fell to his lips.

His hand caressed my cheek, his thumb moving back and forth across my cheekbone. I was powerless to stop myself melting into his touch, and felt my eyes sheen with tears when I saw the affectionate look in his eyes. I watched as the dark mist of his magic swirled around the pendant, and lifted it from the box to secure it around his neck. My hand went to rest against his chest, where the pendant lay against his skin.

‘I love you too, Y/N darling.’ He murmured, wiping away the tears that fell silently down my cheeks.

I vaguely heard the gift box fall to the floor, his free hand now landing on my hip and pulling me flush against his body. My arms wound around his neck, my fingers going to his silky soft hair as his mouth covered mine.

One Year Later

‘I’m just saying, Cassian is a great name for a tiny warrior.’ Cass grinned from the sofa, across from where Rhys and I sat in the love seat he’d bought for us about a year ago.

‘Absolutely not.’ Rhys drawled, his hand gently moving back and forth across my swollen belly.

‘Do you have names picked out?’ Mor asked, her face holding the beaming expression that was always present when we were talking about the baby.

‘We do,’ I murmured, Rhys and I shared a secret smile at Mor’s squeal of excitement.

‘We’re not revealing anything until the baby is born.’ Rhys grinned at the sounds of disapproval from his cousin and Cassian.

‘You’re boring.’ The war General grumbled.

We all chuckled at his childish behaviour and I felt my expression soften with affection when Rhys leaned over to kiss my baby bump, murmuring words about how his uncle Cassian would always be the biggest baby in the family. Cassian grumbled louder, much to our amusement. My hand fell to Rhys hair, idly playing with the strands. He kissed my forehead and my eyes fluttered shut at the feeling of contentment that washed over me.

Home. This was home.

#ACOTAR #ACOMAF #ACOWAR #ACOSF #Rhysand x Reader

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kai-writes-fan-fiction · 4 years ago

Note

could you write avengers x ocd!reader? 🥺 ty

I’d love to! I feel like OCD is such a stigmatized disorder, and I’ve been diagnosed myself. To make it more inclusive, I’ve done some extra research. This piece includes a few triggers like extreme Germaphobia, panic attacks, sensory symmetry, my safe numbers are anything divisible by five, my favorites are 10. 50, and 100, so for the sake of this sort, those are the numbers I’ll be using.

You were diagnosed with OCD at the age of 12

When you weren’t on your medication, your symptoms were pretty severe

You joined The Avengers at 13, and it’s been 2 years, so you were 15

You’d learned how to cope really well, but your symptoms fluctuated, and were often too much to handle without meds

Only Fury knew, and you asked him to keep it in between the two of you

He obliged, but advised you tell them eventually to prevent incidents

One day, you needed to go get your prescription refilled, but you were below the legal driving age

Instead of risking the reveal of your well guarded secret and asking someone to just take you to the pharmacy, which was, in no way, waking, flying, or running distance from the Compound

You decided to just suffer and get your prescription when you were in the city

You spent the next agonizing days in your room in fear of the rest of The Avengers thinking your routines, counting, taping, and whatnot was you just being a crazy teenager overreacting

Little did you know, all the time you’d been spending in your room was suspicious to the rest of the team and they began hypothesizing whatever you were doing in there for such a long amount of time

“I bet you she isn’t even in there!” -Sam

“She could be on her period or something.” -Tony

“Ew!” -Peter

“First of all, Tony, that’s inappropriate, secondly, Peter, don’t be immature it’s natural, thirdly, I’m with Sam she could be on one of her “teenage escapades”!” -Natasha

“What’re we taking about?” -Steve

“We’re trying to come up with reasons (Y/N) hasn’t left her room in a few days.” -Bucky

“Oh, my money’s on her being on her period.” -Steve

“EXACTLY.” -Tony

“S T E V E, NO.” -Natasha

“Instead of thinking about what she’s doing, why doesn’t someone check on her?” -Bruce

“Great. Thanks for volunteering Bruce!” -Tony

“But I didn’t-“ -Bruce

“I’ll go. I’m her favorite.” -Peter

“Only because you’re her age, spiderling.” -Tony

Peter went to your room, you didn’t respond, still worried about their judgement

“(Y/N), could you please let me in? I’m worried about you. Are you ok?” -Peter

On the verge of a panic attack “I’m ok! Please go away!” -you

“Ok, but can you come out later today? Please?”

“I’ll think about it.”

You were left alone until dinner

“(Y/N)! Dinner! I’ve got your favorite! If you come out you can have some!” -Bucky

Feeling better you decided to come out, as your symptoms had calmed down

You came and ate with the team, and they could tell your behavior was different

You washed your plate and silverware 5 times before you served yourself

You were counting things, and trying to tap things inconspicuously, which wasn’t working

You looked really grossed out when Sam sneezed and when Peter double-dipped the salsa (If you double-dip, and it isn’t your personal sauce/salsa/guacamole/etc. ew what’re you doing)

Natasha finally decided to break the tension

“(Y/N), why have you been in your room all week? Are you ok?”

“Yeah, I’m good.”

“Then why were you in your room? I bet on it being your period.” -Tony

“Dude, seriously? I wasn’t on my period. I’m fine.” -you snapped

“Are you sure?” -Steve

“I’m sure. Thanks for dinner.”

You went back to your room, and you already felt yourself getting riled up again. This was going to be a very long night

“She’s not ok.” -Peter

“Yeah, no duh. I’ll go check on her.” -Steve

Steve straight up walked into your room and found you in the middle of your bedtime routine

“Ever heard of privacy?” -you

“Nope. What’re you doing? And seriously, are you ok?” -Steve

He had good intentions, and you were done with the “I’m emotionally stable” charade, so you told the truth

He looked confused, and you immediately regretted E V E R Y T H I N G

“We can refill it tomorrow, I’ll drive you. You should’ve told us! We care about you and we wanna know what’s going on in your life. How about you tell the rest of the team?” -Steve

“Ughhhh fine.” -you

You told the rest of the team, and you watched as they exchanged money. Had they been betting on what you were doing?

“You guys are stupid.” -you

“We know.” -Sam

“Shut up Sam. You don’t need to hide stuff from us (Y/N).” -Natasha

“Yeah, I know, but I didn’t want you guys to think I’m crazy or just being a moody teenager or something.”

“Hey, having OCD doesn’t make you crazy! If you ever need anyone to talk to, we’re always here.” -Tony

“Thanks guys. I’m going to bed now though. Nighhhttt.”

You left all of them in the common room, and you went to bed

You were thankful for their kind words and happy you could go get a refill

They always checked on you when you were feeling anxious

They could somehow tell when something that wasn’t OCD friendly was bothering you, and it was always fixed

BONUS YAYYYYAYAYAYAY

“So that was unexpected.” -Loki

“When in the hell did you get here?!?” -Steve

“Been here the whole time. Night!” -Loki

“Man that was a lot though.” Strange

“When did YOU get here?!?” -Steve

“20 minutes ago. Anyway, goodnight.” -Strange

“Ok, who else is here that wasn’t here for dinner?” -Steve

“Me!” -Zemo

“YOU’RE IN PRISON WHAT?!?”

Shoot this kinda turned into a story sorry guys

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