#i don’t think henry votes at all if he didn’t know the moon landing happened i doubt he knows jfk got assassinated

[sscrambledmeggss]

rip henry winter you would have loved the insurrection

[theladyjojogrant]

The Missy Chronicles and why it’s one of the best Doctor Who books ever made.

Is it as hilarious as it sounds? Even more so. 

I just read The Missy Chronicles and I still can’t believe how perfect it is. Each story brings something unique to Missy’s character and adds some interesting things to Doctor Who canon that you really, no I mean really, don’t want to miss. 

(Below is a short synopsis of each story and some memorable quotes/things that happened. If you don’t want spoilers, come back and read this once you’ve read the book!) 

1. Dismemberment by James Goss

Basically, the Master always goes to this sketchy gentlemen’s club after he regenerates to just chill and be around other morally questionable people. But this time there’s a problem. The Master (as Missy, though she hasn’t decided on her name at this point) goes to the club like usual after her regeneration, but gets kicked out because she’s a woman. The rest of the story is her carrying out very extravagant plots for revenge on each of the members of the club, including, but not limited to: making it rain blood; tying a man to train tracks, marrying him, and then letting him get run over; and last but not least, freeing an African American slave and letting her poison the food at the club’s big annual celebration, telling them they can be cured if they eat some paper, and then telling them after they eat the paper that she was lying. 

Favourite quotes:

About Missy: “Her eyes possessed that cold burn you got from holding ice.” 

Missy: “So sorry I’m late. Just been running over a maths teacher with a milk float. You know how it is.” (GUYS I’M NOT CRAZY MY THEORY WAS RIGHT AND IT’S NOW CONFIRMED, MISSY KILLED DANNY!!!!!) 

Generally, this story was funny and very typically Missy. Also the African American slave Missy saved is the one who eventually comes up with the name Missy, and the only person from the club that Missy didn’t kill was a certain man named Dr. Skarosa...

2. Lords and Masters by Cavan Scott 

The time lords recruit Missy to go on a mission for them, so they hijack the Eye of Harmony in her TARDIS and send a time lady to hold a gun to her head. Basically she has to figure out what’s causing some strange time disturbances, and it turns out this doctor genetically engineered a creature that could travel in space and time and kept it in stasis so that he could gain the power from its energy or something like that. Missy was supposed to kill the creature, but instead she manipulated the time lady to kill the doctor, kept the creature, and miniaturized then killed the time lady and sent her back to the General on Gallifrey. 

Favourite quotes:

“Missy had places to go and people to subjugate.” 

“Missy gave her the look she usually reserved for simpletons and UNIT personnel.” 

Not too much went on story-wise, but it was interesting to see how Missy dealt with being pushed around by the time lords. She also gets her first “companion” in this story: Yayani, the time lady who’s supposed to kill her if she doesn’t obey the time lords’ instructions. 

3. Teddy Sparkles Must Die! by Paul Magrs

Yes, it is just about as strange as it sounds. Missy becomes the governess of three children in early/mid-20th century England. The children are suspicious of her and go through her things, only to find a sparkly teddy bear who’s really an alien who can distort time and complicated stuff to grant wishes. The teddy bear lets them go to crazy places like the moon and Missy gets the kids out of trouble. In return for her rescuing them, she wants the kids to wish to grow up to be powerful people in the world, and the kids do it because they don’t really get it. So they grow up and become powerful people, forgetting about Missy. Then Missy comes back when they’re older and demands they give her the world. Teddy Sparkles (the alien bear) thwarts Missy’s plan by rewriting time and sending the kids back to their childhood, though he also accidentally incorporates crazy creatures that Missy told the kids stories about into the world. Teddy Sparkles uses up the rest of his energy/life to set everything right again, even inventing a fictional story about a governess with a carpet bag and an umbrella who takes children on fantastic adventures so that Missy will become famous, which is something she hates because she gets crowded by people gawking at her. Missy leaves, and in the end one of the children grows up to be a grandmother, and Teddy Sparkles shows up as a Christmas present for one of her grandchildren. 

I didn’t write down any really memorable quotes from this one, but the whole Mary Poppins connection was great, and I found it interesting that Missy actually “lost” in this one; it wasn’t from her point of view at all, either. 

4. The Liar, the Glitch, and the War Zone by Peter Anghelides

This one is pretty complicated to explain because it’s very timey-wimey, but basically Missy runs her TARDIS into some Gryphons (after escaping from the Daleks at the end of The Witch’s Familiar) and then crash lands in 21st century Venice. Through a series of things happening (time rifts and stuff are involved), Missy’s dematerialisation circuit ends up in 14th century Venice and she goes back in time with a random girl (Antonia) and also tries to destroy 21st century Venice in order to get her TARDIS working again and escape the Gryphons. After the TARDIS starts working again Missy time rams her TARDIS and everything undoes itself, so 21st century Venice goes back to normal. Missy tries to leave Antonia in 14th century Venice with her dead friend who fell through a time rift, but Antonia mysteriously ends back up in the TARDIS. More on that in a sec because...

GUYS. THE THIRTEENTH DOCTOR IS IN THIS STORY. NO JOKE. Missy discovers her dematerialisaiton circuit went back in time when she sees an ad for it being on display in a museum. She tries to ask where it came from, but all the employees keep telling her to talk to the curator. So finally she sets up an appointment, and that’s where I immediately became suspicious. The curator’s office is very thoroughly described, and while the combination of old and new stuff (including a plague doctor’s mask) could be telling of the Doctor (I mean, Day of the Doctor and the Curator, hello???), it also could just be a typical curator. But what set me off was that the curator is never physically described at all. There are other clues (before an obvious reveal at the end of the story.) Through the whole story people keep calling Missy “signora” and she insists that she wants to be called “signorina” instead. The curator calls Missy “signorina” without any indication from Missy. And as the curator is helping Missy find out where the dematerialisation circuit came from, she says “I do enjoy this kind of research myself. It’s a real trip into the past.” Missy also runs into a plague doctor back in the 14th century when she’s getting her circuit back. Then at the end it’s made really clear. Antonia shows up in Missy’s TARDIS (after Missy tried to abandon her) saying “If it wasn’t for her, no one would have seen me again.” She then gives Missy a note: “...two short paragraphs of neat handwriting chastised Missy for her lack of caution, and told her that she would need to try much harder.” Missy goes back to the curator’s office and finds it empty except for the plague doctor’s mask. All the curator’s secretary can tell her is (and it’s the last line of the story): “The doctor doesn’t work here any more.” (*SCREAMS*) 

Also, Missy decides to call one of the Gryphons “Hermione” and then says that she’s a Slytherin girl herself because she goes for the bad boys. She also says that she sees some Severus Snape in herself. 

5. Girl Power! by Jacqueline Rayner 

I don’t know how Jacqueline Rayner can write perfect Doctor Who stories. Every. Single. Time. 

This story is not told in traditional narrative fashion, but initially through messages that Nardole and the Twelfth Doctor send back and forth to each other. Nardole is guarding Missy in the vault and is worried when she seems to be putting together some sort of plot. The Doctor tells him to go along with it, and soon enough Missy is contacting important and influential women all throughout history to create MADAM, Missy’s Army for the Demotion of All Men. (I’m still dying over that XD). She creates a group on “Spacebook” and chats with these women, including Henry VIII’s wives, Joan of Arc, Lady Jane Grey, Elizabeth I, Agatha Christie, and Jane Austen. Basically Missy just wants them all to kill all the men on the planet. But the Doctor joins the chat pretending to be Circe and gets all the women to leave the chat. He and Missy end up talking because Missy of course knows it’s him, and the Doctor thinks she came up an elaborate plot so that she could escape the Vault. Missy sort of accidentally confesses, however, that she was trying to have the oppressed (women) fight their oppressors (men), like the Doctor would do. 

Favourite quotes: 

Literally the entire story. The synopsis is vague because the meat of the story is Missy writing all these feminist things about how to respond to stupid man questions and how to do things that women can’t do at certain points in time (like vote, own property, etc.) and sending them to the members of MADAM. At the beginning of the story Nardole relates to the Doctor things that Missy has asked for, and the Doctor approves or disapproves them. These things include: hairspray, history books about important women (which was where she got the MADAM idea), marshmallows, a campfire (to roast the marshmallows; however, the Doctor doesn’t approve that one because “If she’s still got that can of hairspray, we could all be in big trouble.”), a tiger, and sherbert lemons. 

Missy: “It has come to my notice that being a woman isn’t just about the addition of some wobbly bits and a sudden inability to grow a goatee.” 

Missy on her Spacebook profile under the section ‘other names:’ “Professor Thascales, Colonel Masters, Reverend Magister, Sir Gilles Estram, Mister Saxon. Look, if I called myself ‘Reggie’ or ‘Dave’ the Doctor never even had the decency to suspect it was me. I used to go to a lot of trouble dressing myself up for him so is it so wrong to want some attention?” 

Missy on her Spacebook profile under the section ‘life events:’ “Born, Died, Died, Died, Died, Died, Died, Died, Died, Died, Died, Died, Died Died, Died, Took over some bloke’s body, Died, Died, Died, Became a human, Stopped being a human, Died, Died, Became a woman, Ruled!”

Missy: “I’m 100% done with human women. Hate the lot of them. Hope they all use lead-based makeup and die.” 

I literally did not stop laughing throughout this entire story. And I really mean that. My abs hurt. 

6. Alit in Underland by Richard Dinnick

Takes place during World Enough and Time/The Doctor Falls. Missy and Simm!Master travel around Floor 507 with Alit, the girl who gave Cyber-Bill the mirror in The Doctor Falls. The Masters (with Alit in tow) take out some Cybermen who come after them and find an elevator to leave the floor. 

Not much plot-wise, as you can see, and it’s a fairly short story. But bantering between the Masters is fantastic, and one of the best parts is Missy and Simm talking about how much they love cartoons. Missy tells him that she and the Doctor watched Frozen together and Simm can’t believe it and keeps judging her for it, when finally Missy tells him to “Let it go.” 

The other interesting and really cool aspect to this story is Missy’s character. She comforts Alit, tells her a story when she’s frightened, and even holds her hand. She also deliberately saves people, but keeps that a secret from Simm. I really like how the final two stories incorporate Missy’s slight moral shift. And the last little bit of the story, and of the book itself, is awesome: 

Simm!Master: “Tell me. Travelling with the Doctor. What is that all about?”

“I was imprisoned. It was the only way out.” 

“So you did have a plan before you ran into me. Get rid of him; betray him?” He licked his lips. “Kill him?” 

“Get rid...?” Missy looked at the Master, and her face became a stony façade. “That has a certain ring to it.” 

...

“Note to self: Get rid of...betray...kill.” Missy nodded. “Yes. I suppose that’s the only way.” 

The Missy Chronicles, everyone. If you have the chance to read it, please do.