#i don’t talk much about spirituality like this because i’m worried people will think i’ve lost my mind but

[tanix-dragon]

To Be the Dragon: Living as Tanix lei Dramon ak Hyuukii

For many years now (about 6!), I've been in the alterhuman community, thinking about how I want to write about my dragon kintype. I’ve never written much, though, despite being fairly comfortable doing so. This isn’t out of lack of things to talk about—it’s more because I have such a basic run-of-the-mill spiritual dragon kintype (in my mind) that I wasn’t sure that writing about it would do anything for anyone. Besides, it’s all so normal to me. It’s hard to write about your life when it feels so utterly mundane that to pick each piece out of it feels ridiculous. I have a dozen concepts for essays in my Tumblr drafts, but in the end, I’ve just decided to write something big. I’m going to go through it all, all I can think of, because I don’t know if I can pull it apart enough to write about each piece separately. It’s all so intertwined that it’s just easier to write a big one.

Strap in. This is going to take awhile. I’m a wordy bastard and despite how little I actually go into it, I do know a lot about this kintype.

Awakening

This is where most people start, and I’m sorry to disappoint; this is a short one. When I was a kid, I loved dinosaurs, and when I discovered dragons, and I mean really discovered them, realized how cool they are, I felt some kind of deep resonance. As a kid, I figured that it was just because they were the coolest thing of all time. In reality, this awakened phantom limbs (I think? Or just strengthened them. I don’t really remember very well; “I” as I’m known didn’t quite exist at the time, system stuff, you understand) and set me on a path of self-discovery and overwhelming draconity. I was known as the “crazy dragon kid” at school, even for years after I stopped talking about them, and I’ve always been very recognizable, even at a distance, even for people that barely know me, because I “move differently.” A friend once told me that I move like someone put a lizard or a bird in a human’s body, that I have a dragon’s walk cycle, that I have the wrong animation set for my skeleton. That was a very nice thing to be told.

I don’t know. I spent a lot of years with constant phantom limbs and sort of figured that they were normal, more or less? I didn’t think about them. They were just a part of me. Only once I tripped over a dragonkin’s blog completely accidentally in early 2018 did I start putting pieces together, and then it hit me like lightning: oh. I’m a dragon. I’m actually a dragon. And I’m not alone. I started my Tumblr kin blog and that was that. No questioning, no kinsidering, no “am I really?”--I had known that the thing was dragon, but I hadn’t known how it applied to me, and the second I did, I knew it was right. I am a dragon, and that was that.

I’d wondered off and on for a while if someone could have a past life as a dragon, but had never mentioned it to anyone (at least as far as I remember), because I was worried about the response I’d get. Once I realized that I was otherkin, though, I embraced that wholeheartedly: I had been a dragon, and that had rolled over so powerfully that I still am a dragon. It fits, and I love it.

What’s it like?

“What’s it like being a dragon?” my non-kin friends ask me sometimes. It’s kind of almost exactly the same as being not a dragon, except my mental image of myself is a big blue dragon instead of a human. Chronic pain flaring up? Dragon curled up and complaining about it. OCD lashing out? Dragon resting head against the wall with shut eyes and half-bared teeth. Someone annoying me? Dragon with exposed teeth and fangs all puffed up to try to make them back down.

My dragon body maps onto my human body to produce feeling like an anthro dragon most of the time, even though my dragonself isn’t even bipedal. It’s the happy medium my brain can settle on between what I feel I should be and my physical reality, although, again, mentally, most of the time when I imagine myself, I’m as I should be. In headspace where my headmates can see me, I’m quadrupedal unless I’m doing something that requires me to be bipedal. (Our headspace is pretty flexible, don’t worry about it.) All of this evens out to me moving kind of oddly—toss in how stiff and sore I am all the time (it’s some kind of unknown but disabling condition, hooray), and you get someone who moves very oddly. I turn my head like there’s significantly more weight to it than there should be, I visibly squeeze through spaces that are plenty big enough for me as if trying to accommodate great wings, I walk with a slight adjustment to my hips to compensate for a heavy tail, and I lift my shoulders to flare or gesture with my wings. I have slight head movements that correspond to how I move my ear fins, expressions that call for me to bare my teeth, gestures that only make sense with wings, tail, and claws, and a dozen other little things I probably don’t even notice that I do.

I don’t get a lot of species dysphoria anymore. I’d prefer to be able to switch in and out of dragon form (ideally with that anthro dragon that my brain has invented for me as an option too! I do love it as a middle ground), but I can make do as-is. I spent untold centuries as a dragon, I can handle some decades as a human. I’m here now, and I have a different life to live, and frankly, I love humans. I love the things they do, the cultures they have, the things they make, the ways they act, and I feel really lucky that I get to be in one of those human cultures and witness others. I have a minor in anthropology—I promise I’m not about to become a misanthrope anytime soon. I believe that humans are inherently creatures like any other, and can be driven to great good or great evil. I don’t believe that’s a reason to hate them, and besides, some part of me identifies as human as well as my kintypes. Not everyone does, but I do, and it’s comfortable for me.

I do have a few draconic instincts I have to juggle, but none are terribly maladaptive or troublesome. I know exactly how to breathe fire and want to when angry or struggling to keep a fire going in winter, and I know that there’s something in my chest and something else in my throat that are missing, structures that allow firebreathing, but I have phantoms and can mimic it okay, so I can huff and puff and burn nothing down. I have a prey drive that kicks in hard watching squirrels or, worse, rabbits out of my window, but I don’t ever actually chase anything (not that my slow ass could catch anything even if I did). I want to sharpen my claws, curl up in the sun, growl and threat-display with my wings (and do flare my phantoms when I’m in the car and another vehicle does something I don’t like), and a bunch of other small things I can’t think of right now. Again, it doesn’t bother me—it’s just affirmations of my draconity, and most are subtle enough that I can do them in front of people and they don’t notice, or, if they do, they don’t think much of it. 

What’s it like? What a question. What else do I say? Sometimes my chronic back pain reaches into my rhomboid muscles, which is where my phantom wings connect, so it registers as wing pain, I guess. That doesn’t usually happen, but it can. I walk on my toes a lot because I naturally want to move digitigrade. Shocker, I know. I don’t know—what’s it like being a dragon? What’s it like being human, or anything else? What’s it like to be who and what you are?

The Dragon Driik’lor

Tanix lei Dramon ak Hyuukii. Tanix of Fire and Breath. What a name—and one I have known parts of for a long, long time. As a kid, I’d sign off messages and emails as Tanadin of Fire and Air. When choosing a name for myself when I came out as trans (Tanix), I knew that I wanted something with the nickname ‘Tan’ still, derived originally from my username “Tanadin,” because it felt right. Was my name truly Tanix? I don’t know. It feels right, or at least, right enough. I swapped out “air” for “breath” because Tanix lei Dramon ak Voron didn’t feel as right. I guess the question is—who is, or was, this Tanix, and what language is that?

(I'll occasionally be referring to my dragonself as Tanix and myself as… me, I guess. I know, I’m sorry, that’s confusing, but that’s driiv name as far as I know, and calling driik anything else feels weird.)

Tanix lei Dramon ak Hyuukii was a mature adult dragon of a sapient and extremely intelligent species with its own language. My noemata have provided me with pieces of this language—individual words and ideas on its structure, some suffixes, some sounds and pieces of what a sentence should sound like. A few letters, even, for the written version. For the past fourteen or so years, I have worked on uncovering as much of this language (that, as a kid, I called Dranonic, and I haven’t changed that) as I can, and have made up much of the rest. I will never reconstruct an entire language from noemata alone, and I know that, so I just do what doesn’t feel wrong and change things if I get an inkling that I’m off somewhere.

Tanix’s species had some extremely complex social rules and dances that driit largely didn’t do much with. Dragons could be either solitary or live in clans, and driit was pretty solitary. Driit was also fucking annoying. Sorry, but it’s true—Tanix lei Dramon ak Hyuukii was a pretentious, self-centered, prideful, overconfident bastard that had other dragons going “oh gods here comes Tanix again, just smile and wave.” Driit was a bulky, powerful, physically imposing dragon, and driit knew it. (In this human life, my family is actually fairly dense and stout despite being quite tall, so that’s free species euphoria.) As far as I can tell, given driiv five horns and larger stature, driit was female. (I talk about horn count and dragon gender more in my essay Counting Horns and Making Assumptions, or, Draconic Age and Gender, if you’re interested.) However, pronouns in Dranonic are based on age category, not gender, so the fact that Tanix and driiv mate have different pronouns is because of a difference in age, not gender.

Oh, Selkhenar. Selkhenar of the Darkened Swamp. I wish I knew more about you. Muut seems to be the only dragon that Tanix wasn’t a huge bitch to—and let me tell you something. Driit was vain as fuck. My dragon instincts know what driit did and did not find attractive in a dragon, and Selkhenar was considered, in that society, to be a kind of dumpy little green and black swamp beast with a weirdly long face, short ass legs, and kind of weird proportions.

And driit loved muut more than anything. Every time I think about Selkhenar, I get holdover fuzzies and butterflies from my time as the dragon the first go-around, and man, driit was gone for this swamp dragon. I have flashes of memory of much more impressive-looking dragons trying to woo driik and getting passed up, but accidentally tripping over Selkhenar in the swamp just beyond the edge of driiv territory was apparently what driik needed.

They had at least one clutch of eggs together. I remember guarding them ferociously, even growling at Selkhenar once before recognizing muuk. I remember them hatching into the cutest little whelplings of all time, and I remember them being a mix of blue and green and red and black. I remember teaching them to fly, throwing them over the ledge outside of the cave and off the cliff. Selkhenar was below, ready to catch if they didn’t figure it out, but still, uh, not the strategy I would recommend, necessarily. I remember hunting for them, both land animals and skimming the lake outside of our cave, down in the evergreens at the base of the mountain, for fish, even though… Selkhenar was a water dragon and therefore better suited to fishing…. I think it was a pride thing. Tanix was a ferociously prideful dragon and I suspect driit was like NO, MY LOVE, I WILL HUNT FOR YOU, YOU TINY THING… YOU GUARD THE BABIES WHILE I PROVIDE FOR YOU…. and then proceeded to accidentally driik’lor (Dranonic for him/her/themself) into the water. Repeatedly. Over and over. I have very firm noemata of hunting fish, eating fish, and fucking up while hunting fish and fouling my wings and falling into the lake. I was an okay swimmer and was mostly just glad that no one saw, but like… come on. Let the swamp dragon do it. I mean, I’m sure muut did, but I don’t have memories of that.

What’d This Dragon Look Like, Anyway?

Good question! That’s something I have the firmest grasp on. I’ve been drawing this dragon for as long as I’ve been super aware of dragons, and driit has been through a lot of iterations, but I think I’m very close.

Tanix lei Dramon ak Hyuukii was approximately fifty feet long from nose to tailtip. Driit was a deep, intense blue (take a peek at any art I’ve ever done of driik/myself) with bright red stripes along driiv midline—basically, along the spine, down the tail, and along the face. The stripes also appeared on driiv legs and maybe wings, but I’m not sure about that one. Driit had five horns that were either darker blue or slightly purple that curved slightly back and were slightly offset from one another, with each set being slightly smaller than the last and a bit further back, with the single horn being the smallest and furthest back. Driit also had a single nose spike that matched the horns. Driit had big (kind of disproportionately big) ear fins, a more recent discovery of mine and out of date on most of my art, used for communication and showing of mood, mostly. Driiv “hands” had three fingers and a thumb, driiv back feet had three toes and a dewclaw, and driiv wings had four “fingers” with membrane stretched between them and a fifth “finger” that seemed to serve little to no purpose. This wing membrane connected pretty low down on the body (near or on the tail), providing a large area for lift. I believe this membrane was a lighter color than the scales around it, and I have the distinct feeling that I could flush blood into it to make it change color—red, I think? Maybe it was just some markings that could appear. I’m not sure.

Along driiv back were spikes or spines, of a similar color to the horns, lined up perfectly with the stripes. I know that driit had some kind of dangerous weapon on the dip of driiv tail, and I know that this thing had three sharp points, but its exact shape and color, I’m less sure on. I know that the tail itself was fairly flexible, especially near the tip, but was most assuredly a powerful weapon when needed. Driiv belly was lightly plated, providing protection for the vital organs. Driit also, of course, had sharp teeth and a forked tongue, although two of driiv teeth were elongated and poked slightly out of the mouth when shut, which I tend to call driiv fangs.

The Binding

Back in August of 2023, I tripped over an image that made dragonbrain click on and triggered a fear response as well as a flood of noemata. The post I wrote at the time of that discovery is here, but I’ll write it out in a more comprehensible format, both for your convenience and so that I have a more organized version in general.

Some kind of humanoid species (not humans) on my planet found and trapped me when I was quite young, and dragged me to a structure not dissimilar to the image I found, not far from or in one of their cities. My limbs and jaws were chained so that I couldn’t fight or escape, and I so clearly remember feeling my claws and scales scrape over that rough, coarse stone, and the sound of the chains dragging across it. Some of the humanoids rode other dragons, who were clearly enslaved and, in many ways, broken. They had no choice but to obey, or face punishment. Their eyes were dull and they passed over me without registering me, because to acknowledge that such a young dragon was facing their same fate was, I imagine, too painful.

For the record, I was so young that I thought I might be able to carry one of these humanoids, maybe, and not all of my red markings had come in yet. I was very young.

For some reason or another—maybe I was misbehaving, maybe this was protocol with all new dragons, I don’t know—they dragged me to a dungeon underneath a great arena where they made some dragons that they figured they could never turn into mounts fight for their amusement. I was chained up down there, fairly tightly, barely fed and barely able to move. There were a couple of other dragons down there with me, in the dark and the damp, curled up on those horrible stone bricks just like I was. I could barely see them, it was so dark, but they could see me, their eyes more adjusted due to years or decades down here.

My primary companion was a dull red dragon, an adult male, as far as I can figure. I don’t remember muuv name, but it started with an Ez- or an El- with a z in there somewhere, and ended in -iel or something along those lines. Elaziel, Ezkhaliel, Ezkerial, Elzariel? I don’t remember. I wish I did. I remember muut being as reassuring as muut could be, trying to do muuv best for this poor scared youngling. Muut was beaten and broken but incapable of either fighting or being a mount—one or more of muuv limbs were gone or broken and healed incorrectly. Muut couldn’t fly and I think muut struggled to walk. I don’t know why the humanoids kept muut alive, but I do know that I reinvigorated muuk, and muut decided to do whatever muut could to get me out.

I don’t remember what happened, really. All I know is that, at some point, there was an escape, and multiple dragons made it out, or at least tried to. I remember the red dragon shouting “Mor anor axid, mor anor axid! Mor anor axid veran!”, which is Dranonic for “Let them fly, let them fly! Let them fly away!” with “anor” being distinctly plural—you would never call a single dragon “anor,” indicating that there were multiple dragons trying to get away. I know muut wasn’t among them—muut would never make it out, and I’m sure that the humanoids killed him after. I never looked back. I never saw.

I know that there was a light green dragon involved in all that, a female, I think. Muut was chained down there with myself and the red dragon, and maybe others. Maybe muut was the other one in “anor.” I don’t know. I don’t remember much about muut.

I do remember part of the escape—the red dragon’s shouted pleas, the hesitation of the dragon mounts, the sting of the dragonbone arrows fired from the humanoids that pierced my scales (because of course they harvested the bodies of their spent slaves, why wouldn’t they, the bastards), the screaming of my underused wing muscles as I tore out of that place and never looked back, not once.

I never returned. Not even as an adult, not even once my fifth horn came in. I flew far, far away, and never drew closer again. I never wanted to see that place, never wanted to fear it, never wanted to risk it. My two fears as a dragon were that place and the ocean, and the second, I feel, had some kind of horrible dragon-slaughtering beast in it that was a long, instinctive, genetic terror. That horrible place beat it out by miles.

A Couple Other Memories

I remember other things, too, not just that whole… sequence, or what I talked about before. I know that there were some kind of “dragon mimics” out there, some kind of insectoid things that looked like dragons at a distance but revealed what they were close up. They’d either do displays intended to anger a dragon and draw them close, or courtship displays to interest a dragon. Either way, once a dragon was close enough for the mimic to strike, it was too late. A lot of insectoid dragon designs set off my dragonbrain’s “mimic alarm,” and it’s kind of interesting to play with and see what triggers it and what doesn’t. I’m sure I had personal experience with them—I have too clear of a mental image of one trying to lure me in for anything else—but I don’t know the specifics.

One of the memories that I’ve had, crystal clear, for a long time, is my death. I was falling from a great height, wings too damaged to hold me, uselessly streaming behind me as I fell. Selkhenar flew down with me in a panic, knowing muut could never catch me (I was far bigger than muuk), trying to talk me into getting my wings sorted out and at least slowing my fall or something. I remember there being wounds all over me—I’d been losing some great, horrible battle—and peering at Selkhenar, thinking it was very sweet of muuk to be so worried about me but I was clearly lost, muut needed to get out of here—and then a sharp pain at the base of my skull, where it connects to my spine, and nothing. I feel like it was some sort of projectile, well-aimed, that took me out instantly.

I’m still afraid of heights without my wings.

Wrap-Up

There’s more, I’m sure. More specific essays that I feel like I can write now that I’ve gotten most of it down. I could write an essay on draconic courtship, or what little I know of rearing offspring, or whatever else comes to mind. For now, though—that’s most of it. That’s The Everything. I’ve been meaning to put this together for a long time, and now I have, and I hope it’s helpful to someone—either in understanding me, or in understanding yourself. I know that, when you’re questioning something, reading about someone else’s experiences helps a lot. I’ve never felt like talking about my dragon kintype was ever going to be terribly helpful in that regard—after all, there’s a dozen other similar essays out there—but I decided, well, it’s not for other people. It’s for me. And no one’s written four thousand words detailing my kintype before.

That’s the thing about writing like this. It’s for you, and if it helps someone else, that’s just a bonus. Write what will help you, what will let you figure yourself out and document it so that, if it changes, you can pinpoint when that was and track your own growth and change. I wonder what, in a few years, will be inaccurate in this essay? I wonder what I will add, what I will change, in a theoretical future version?

I guess we’ll find out together. Thanks for reading.

[justanothersyscourse]

oh hi it’s -flower anon

I mostly was sending the asks in since I have moral OCD and the uncertainty and genuine horrible things I’ve seen very much conflict.

I’m only anti-endo due to the very, very cultish nature of a lot of it and have fallen for too many cults already.

(I was groomed into a online cannibalism gore cult at a very young age and still deal deal with the consequences of that, fell for way too many death cults, and almost was lost to way too many other hateful things)

so when the Moral OCD kicks in I trust it, it’s only lead me out of these bad situations.

I know my opinions are probably very uncommon, but too many cults and cultish mindsets I’ve fell for.

honest to god, I was at one point ready to kill myself because I thought overpopulation was real And those accelerationists got to me.

so for wholehearted honesty it’s too much for me, personally I believe fully in cultural and spiritual multiplicity.

But most endo/tulpa/willo spaces aren’t that, and that uncertainty of if- “is this person saying that ‘hey this is just a cultural and spiritual thing’ or is this person not any of those what are they I don’t wanna get into a covert cult again”

but as the current state of endo/willo/Tulsa spaces are, it’s so so cultish that it’s triggering me.

Everything sets off so many alarms in my brain that I trained myself to recognize,

so that’s why I was worrying and asking about it.

you’d too if you had fallen for so many dangerous cult stuff.

Too many death cults man, too many online death cults.

Hi flower ❤️ I hope you're doing okay. I've been sitting on this draft, debating if what I have to say would be helpful or damaging.

You came back, though, so I feel that I need to respond in some way... I'm going to be honest, I'm scared to make this post, this is a very polarized topic in the system community. But... maybe what I say can help someone.

I hope you'll read through to the end. No matter what, whether you disagree with me or not, I genuinely hope you're okay and that things get a bit easier for you. It probably doesn't help, but I know what you're feeling.

I have bad OCD myself. I'm lucky in that I don't struggle with that specific type anymore, but I feel for you 🫂

I'm also very sorry to hear about what you've been through ):

Before I talk, know that this response isn't to change your mind. My only goal is to try to help settle some of that stress.

I want you to feel less stressed by this entire thing. It's okay.

When I was still very heavily anti endo, I felt the exact same way. I'm not just saying that. I also run sysmedsaresexist, and I'm pretty sure I have posts calling the pro endo community "cult-ish" in nature. I probably did it a number of times. You're not alone in that view. I was worried that doctors were going to fall for it, that innocent people were getting dragged into believing they were systems, all of it. Been there, done that.

However, as I slowly moved from anti to critical, I realized BOTH sides display the EXACT same behaviors. The antis were just as bad, once I stepped back to look at it.

To the point that if you put the posts next to each other with identifying characteristics hidden, it could come from, and be about either side. Here's an example.

Either both sides are a cult, or cult is not an appropriate word to be using for syscourse.

It's the latter, I've learned over the years.

And once I got over myself and actually spoke with endo systems... I swear to you, I promise you, with every fiber of my being, that most of what you hear is fear mongering.

Most.

But the same can be said about anti endos. Endos are terrified of antis, but that's because they only hear other endos talking about their HORRIBLE experiences with antis. Some of it is true, most of it isn't, most is... more than a little bit exaggerated.

It just is. Endos think you, specifically you, flower anon, send death threats.

Do you? I'm willing to bet not, but you're lumped into that group whether you like it or not, whether it's true or not.

While syscourse can feel TERRIFYING, like life versus death (trust me, I know), I promise it's actually okay.

It's going to be okay. You're going to be okay.

The medical community is going to be okay. Your resources will be okay. The endos will be okay. The antis will be okay.

I am still actively involved in clinical circles, and I promise you, doctors know the difference between CDDs and plurality. Doctors ARE talking about endogenic systems, but try to give them a bit more credit.

Did you know that the multiple theory of self is as old as the ToSD? But it's a concept based in philosophy and the discussion of consciousness. These are two totally different things that are both valid. The issue is overlapping language. But if we're mad about "system" being shared, why aren't we more mad at IFS? Does "computer system" dehumanize CDD systems, too? That's dumb. No it doesn't.

Radqueers exist in every single community, and so do people who don't like radqueers. For every radqueer endo, there's another endo squinting hard at that and complaining to their friends. There are radqueer DID systems. They exist. It happens. It's like saying lesbians are bad because there's radfems and radqueers in that community, too. The intersection of multiplicity, sexuality and gender is VERY confusing, with more moving parts than you can count. Obviously there are going to be people with very wide and very narrow views about it.

(That said, I don't bother with radqueer stuff very much, I have NEVER participated in that discourse because I don't feel that I understand the nuance of it enough to have a fully informed view of it.

Wouldn't it be nice if more people could acknowledge that they don't understand things enough?

Anti endos, I'm looking at you)

Your ability to see cult tactics in things is something that has protected you, but that doesn't make it healthy. Do not try to overcome or change that part of you without the help of a specialist. That's not what I'm saying.

Seeing the world as dangerous, and signs of danger in the world, is what protects everyone, but for trauma affected people, this ability is broken. It's hyperactive. That's something that we all approach in therapy, eventually. You don't need to change right now, but one day you'll want to be able to see the good in things, and that takes so much more practice and guidance than you could imagine.

An easy way to start, though, is empathy and introspection-- not just into your self, but into your community. To recognize the double standards and be able to critically put aside those fears and concerns without someone else making the decision for you.

I can tell you that isolation is a major tactic used by cults, and it's the antis telling you to do that, isn't it? They say, don't even hear the other side out, I'll tell you what they're saying, and you can just believe me.

Isn't that what @number1-syscourse-blog was telling you to do? And it's only the pro side saying you can be friends with BOTH sides-- not just other pro endos, but telling you that it's okay to be friends with antis and pros. That it's healthy and good to surround yourself with differing opinions and form your own conclusions. I don't know if you can see the number of people telling number1 syscourse what a bad response that was. Not just me, SO MANY PEOPLE! They're all blocked and hidden now.

Because the full picture is a beautiful thing.

Making your own choices and drawing your own conclusions is a powerful thing.

And the picture is not as ugly or scary as number1 syscourse would have you believe.

My suggestion to you is to just... not talk syscourse with your friends. Just be friends. Talk about the dumbest shit and remember that you're both just human, trying to understand the world around you.

For fun, and to settle minds, let's go through, just to drive the point home. It's going under a cut, just in case, but be aware, I'm critically tearing apart both sides for being ridiculous.

Pros and antis, cult edition

Characteristics of a cult:

Absolute authoritarianism without accountability

Now, neither side has a leader, so to speak, but we can talk about how members of each community can say whatever they want without any accountability. We have people on both sides wishing death on the other, and no one is stepping in to say, "yo, wtf?" No, those posts are instead spread further by people reblogging their friends, because 🌈 brand loyalty 🌈 rather than any kind of critical thought.

Yes, both sides do this. No, that's not up for debate. It's happening. If you think it's not, you're either being willfully blind, or you've fallen into the isolation trap.

DNIs aren't shields against shitty behavior, just like free speech doesn't allow for hate speech, but people sure do love hiding behind DNIs. Like, they'll post a GOOD ask, with great points, and respond with a womp womp, can't you read my DNI, and it's like... maybe you should have read more than the first line, my dude. Free publicity for the other sides' ideals, because you literally can't be bothered to read anything.

Honesty, I think the block feature is the downfall of humanity. There are anti endo blogs posting misinformation on DID that can't be corrected because they've blocked everyone that knows more than them. I've tried to correct a lot of them, I'm blocked.

It's an echo chamber, much like how you view pro endo spaces.

Zero tolerance for criticism or questions

Come on, do I actually need to talk about this? See the DNI point again. Good asks with good points with a nonsense response because, OH GOD, anon dared to have a slightly different belief on something. Endo neutrals, people trying to ask questions and learn, aren't even allowed to interact with most blogs, even just for questions.

Lack of meaningful financial disclosure regarding budget

Another way that "cult" isn't an appropriate term, though we could talk about TPA here. I really, really don't like the TPA.

Unreasonable fears about the outside world that often involve evil conspiracies and persecutions

Hey, pot, meet kettle.

A belief that former followers are always wrong for leaving and there is never a legitimate reason for anyone else to leave

Hey, that's what happened to me when I left the anti side!

Abuse of members

Yeah, they abused me pretty bad for trying to correct misinformation on @antimisinfo's (an anti endo) post. People are constantly being ostracized and kicked out of their community for looking too hard at the other side. God forbid you hear them out, for curiosities sake.

Records, books, articles, or programs documenting the abuses of the leader or group

Not really?

Followers feeling they are never able to be “good enough”

Maybe if you squint?

A belief that the leader is right at all times

Who would the leader be? Science? Because science does support endos, and antis won't read a single word of it.

A belief that the leader is the exclusive means of knowing “truth” or giving validation

Again, if we call science the leader... but again, that only applies to antis.

The group is elitist, claiming a special, exalted status for itself, its leader(s), and its members

I can see it, I guess. Mostly out of antis claiming the elite title for trauma.

The group has a polarized us-versus-them mentality, which may cause conflict with the wider society

Both sides have this problem.

The group teaches or implies that its supposedly exalted ends justify whatever means it deems necessary. This may result in members’ participating in behaviors or activities they would have considered reprehensible or unethical before they joined the group

Again, see the point about friends reblogging other friends wishing death on the other side.

The leadership induces feelings of shame and/or guilt in order to influence and/or control members. Often, this is done through peer pressure and subtle forms of persuasion. Members are encouraged or required to live and/or socialize only with other group members.

This would be like saying you're betraying your side for talking to the other side. Huh. Kind of like what happened to you.

Just because the word cult CAN be applied to things doesn't mean it should be. Especially in syscourse, where one side has such a dark history with cult activity, it feels very... inappropriate to call pro/antis in syscourse a cult.

Really, it's just a bunch of people screaming that they're more right than the other side, and using fear mongering to make points that don't actually matter.

[chicken-delight]

being vulnerable

i’m voice texting this. I just need to like close my eyes and talk. I just I’m in such a weird season in my life right now. I feel so confused and alone and disconnected from people places and things that I’ve felt are comfortable presences in my life. it’s like they’re all rejecting me all of a sudden now, I had a pretty big shift around my birthday spiritually and emotionally. It was a great great release, but it was really hard because I had to have a lot of hard conversations with myself and with my loved ones about what I needed out of my relationships and it went well and now I’m kind of realizing that this needs to be a overall lifestyle change in a way, rather than just really relationship experiences to being as nourishing as they can be, I was really having a problem about the amount of gossiping and shit talk that was happening between me and my friends anyways I don’t talk a lot about my work on here because the Internet, but the job I work I work with kids and I work in music and I also don’t talk a lot about how I am a musician, but this really really means a lot to me and I feel like I’ve really poured a lot of myself into it and the last I don’t know foue years that I’ve worked here hasn’t been easy and my boss does not know what he’s doing but it’s been really really fulfilling to be able to just like keep my head down and just do it for the kids but now the kids are like turning against me. I feel in a really weird way and I feel really like out of nowhere everybody’s mad at me and no matter what it make everyone’s feels like I am making a personal attack against them and that’s gonna happen when you work with kids in a performance setting and this is different. It’s feels so much more intense I’m usually really good at being able to write off like people are just gonna be that way like people complain and they’re gonna complain, but it really feels like out of nowhere. I’m getting such a big pushback and it telling me the universe is telling me more and more that I need to get out of this job feel really misunderstood. I don’t feel like I have a support system. I feel like I’m fighting this fight by myself against the kids and their parents. I feel like nobody sees me as human, just hit my wall and I guess I’ve been kind of feeling it build up, but I didn’t think this would be such a negative like I just always assume that it would just be a graceful transition out of it and didn’t feel like I was giving up, but I really don’t feel like I have any other choice but to give up in the middle of the season anyways I’m trying to find another job. I’m really really trying to be mindful about not applying and working at the first place you know that picks me just so I can get out of this job that I have right now but I just feel like I am too young and I have too much shit to do. I’m in school. I have a social life to worry about. I have my mental health to worry about. I just feel like now. I am realizing more and more that I need a job that I can just leave at work and I know that that’s everybody’s dream and it doesn’t work out that way, but the job I have right now is particularly boundaryless and I just feel like I need to go work at a restaurant again or something. I was really hoping to try to find some sort of entry-level job at a museum or something, but that’s not gonna happen until I have my degrees so I just have to keep fucking paying my dues. I feel like I’ve been paying my dues my entire fucking life and nothing is happening for me. I’m sorry to get that way. I just feel really stuck and I’ve been feeling really stuck for a long time and I have been making small advances. I moved out. I don’t know. I just not happy with my life and I my friends making the time to see me. It doesn’t feel like and I know that that’s mostly in my head, but I just really feel alone and I can’t talk to my mom about these things, I can’t talk to my sister because she’s gonna tell my mom. My friends aren’t helping in a constructive way. I don’t know if this means I need to deal with this by myself.

[belovedcorvid]

 [ ✨positivity be upon ye✨]

　　   rory, 

　can’t believe when i first sent these notes a few months ago, my impression of you began & ended with “new friend i talk about the birds™ with. seems nice”.

seems nice? you’re one of the kindest people ever. i go crazy thinking about how kind you’ve been to me because i’m not sure i deserve it. honestly, if you didn’t send me that photo of you, i don’t think i’d believe you were real. 

you put up with so much from me: my weird questions, talking too much & busting into your dms with walls of text or 9000 thoughts, having a new hangup or crisis every other day because of where my life is at the moment — but you’re so patient with me every time. you make me feel like i’m normal & i’m allowed to feel upset about the things i’ve been through and never like i’m overreacting, or coping “wrong”, and from the perspective of someone who's been alone for a long time and spent a lot of my life being told the exact opposite, it’s genuinely changed my life. you’re an angel. i’m gonna wrap you in the coziest blanket to ever exist & shield you from all bad things forever (including your dentist, who i’m engaging in psychic combat at this very moment). 

with your schedule & health problems, your brain has to be mush most days and i’m sure i don’t help because i’m spiritually like a hamster running on a wheel who cannot shut up to save my life sometimes, which is why i wanna say thanks again. i’ll do something one day to show my gratitude in full because i don’t think my words are enough to explain how alone i felt before and how much your kindness has meant. enough to pave the roads by your house myself so you can skateboard again, for a start. 

when we first became mutuals, i was intimidated by you for maybe about two weeks (nothing you did, i just have “i’m self-conscious of cool people thinking i’m lame & annoying” disease) and i just feel so goofy about that because how on earth could i ever be intimidated by the human equivalent of a warm blanket? someone i have so much in common with, like medical things, and extremely specific feelings on haircuts and stairs? someone who will just get so absorbed in their craft projects, they’ll forget to eat sometimes? sunshine incarnate, mr. rory rabbit bnuuy last name? this guy? 

love you so very many. you’re so goofy, warm, and your soul probably feels like one of those fuzzy pom poms on winter hats. i’m gonna give you the biggest hug you’ve ever had in your life one day – and also cook you at least one meal that is both delicious and won’t make you wanna die for several weeks afterwards.

 i hope you have a wonderful day tomorrow and your bed is extra cozy so you have a wonderful night, too.

❣︎ | Unprompted :: Always Accepting |

aaaAAAAAAAAA Wilder I cannot handle how kind you are, and sometimes wonder how you're real because my brain just spins its wheels about it. I've been holding onto this for weeks now ( I think, time is messy ) trying to figure out a way to answer that will adequately communicate how much I appreciate you and love you and I'm not sure it'll work but I'm gonna try. OTL

When we first met I was scared of you, too, if it's any consolation because you seemed super comfortable and confident right away ( can't relate ) and your work is spectacular and I didn't think I'd be able to keep up. People, like many, many things in the universe are very scary to me and it's hard not to feel like an alien in a human disguise doing very poorly at appearing normal. But I'm so glad we started talking in notes and stuff because it was silly to be scared of someone that feels like the missing second half of my brain / heart / etc. Quantum entangled particles or some shit. I always look forward from hearing from you and your thoughts and ideas do not annoy me - in fact if I don't hear from you I get worried about the change in routine and miss you a bunch.

This isn't quite as powerful as I wanted / think you deserve, but despite the belief of some I'm not good at words. Love you very many, hope you're having a good day and I agree - one day I'm going to give you the biggest hug when we meet in person. Hopefully this event will not cause a tear in space-time or something.

Much love, ♡ Ro

[broomsick]

Using music in pagan practice! · ͟͟͞͞➳❥

Why hello there! Any music enthusiasts in the room?

I’ll be completely honest with you all, I’m not such a huge music fan. Of course, I still listen to a lot of music. I don’t think any human being could survive without it! And yet, it’s not like it’s much of a passion for me, as compared to many others I know. However! It’s become such a huge part of my practice that I couldn’t help but write a little post on the topic. Music has such a hold on emotions and mood that it’s extremely useful and feels very personal once it becomes part of your spirituality. Now, how can one do such a thing? I’d wager some of you are already experienced in this, and do already consciously use music in their practice. But for those who don’t, allow me to share my tips!

I’ve talked about this before, but chanting is a very fun habit to develop as a pagan. It can be trance-inducing, and help you get into a meditative state that’s perfect for praying, connecting to your deities, engaging in divination and the like. A chant doesn’t have to be particularly “musical”, granted. Almost half the time, mine aren’t anywhere near sung. Nevertheless, I find it especially efficient and calming when the chant follows a beat, and even a melody. In my experience, it feels a lot easier to empty one’s head and to get into a spiritual mood when I’m singing something repetitive. It’s possible to model the chant off a familiar song, lullaby and the like, or even just to choose a certain beat for the word/phrase to be chanted.

Music in and of itself, even if there's no chant or the like present, can come in handy in the context of prayers, rituals, and other pagan practices. When I am especially tired, or I just somehow feel unable to chant due to mental exhaustion, I simply put some calming music on and this is a major help when I mean to connect with my spirituality. It's a way to create an atmosphere, and to disconnect myself from daily worries and the like, at least for the time of the prayer/offering. For a long time, I simply could not fall into a meditative state without background, "nordic"-type music. I've had a handful of people ask me for tips on how to meditate, or connect with their spirituality, and this has always been my number one tip. This goes without saying, but music has quite the powerful effect on the brain and by extension, the mood. It's not to be underestimated! And yes, even modern music that may not seem especially spiritual. Whatever makes you feel at peace is already perfect for such spiritual use.

It’s also possible for you to sing, or play songs as a kind of offering. There's a special kind of connection that develops with a deity when you decide to devote yourself to learning a song for them. You painstakingly learn the lyrics and practice it again and again, all in their honor, which makes for a beautiful devotional (no matter who the deity is!). Plus, this is just my personal experience, but singing, or playing a song, is a great outlet for emotion. In this sense, within the context of a festival, ritual or even just a prayer, it establishes quite the strong emotional connection with the deity. It can help you to let out your love/admiration for them, and to share it a way that's deeply personal. Something I've noticed is that when I have not connected with this or that deity in a while, singing a song for them as an offering always seems to make me feel as close to them as before instantly! To all of you who have a knack for writing, it's even possible to compose your own song, no matter how short and no matter the genre! I know people who have written beautiful, entrancing songs for their deities, by simply pouring their emotions and heart into the lyrics and melody. And it doesn't matter if you don't feel like the song is perfect, because the effort and love you'll have put into it makes for a great offering in and of itself. Artists are always too critical of their own works, aren't they? And in this case, I'll be willing to bet any deity would adore receiving such a personal gift!

Now, something that I've seen become super popular in the past few years is making devotional playlists. Do I even need to explain this one? It's a super fun activity to engage in. What I find is that pondering songs, their vibe and their lyrics, and finding parallels between them and your deities can help you a great deal with actually picturing the deity. This is something that's inherent to neo-paganism and its individualistic nature: our understanding of different deities can vary vastly from one individual to the next. Which is why it's not only fun, but also quite fulfilling to develop one's idea of a deity. By defining a certain type of song that seems to fit them, or a pattern in the lyrics that you associate with them, you ask yourself questions. How are they as a deity? What is something they stand for? What does their presence feel like? What sort of music would they like and why? The answers to these will naturally arise as you explore the emotions evoked by certain songs, and those evoked by your chosen divine presence. Deepening your understanding of a deity is a great way to feel connected to them, though it might seem simple. But aren't simple things often the most effective?

[demigodofhoolemere]

Can I just say how much I appreciate your faith. I'm also a member of the church, and it's just so nice to see someone else on this app who believes the same I do.

I'm not super vocal about my religion on my blog, namely because my mutuals on this app have posted a few anti church stuff, and I genuinely have cherished friendships with a lott of them.

Basically what I'm saying is that I am grateful for your outspoken-ness and love for the church. I hope one day I'll be able to do the same on this crazy space.

Thank you for saying that! Honestly it’s just as much for myself as wanting to share with others, I find it helps me keep these things in my mind better if I’m taking the time to post about it. It’s been a help to me spiritually (and mentally, because my brain stinks and can’t retain squat) to reaffirm and remind myself of my beliefs by writing them and speaking them or reblogging what others have put out there.

For what it’s worth, it took me years to start being open about posting my faith on this site, and still years after to be as willing as I am now to just regularly post as much as I want without worrying about whether I’m bothering anyone. There are plenty of people who clearly don’t like what I post, considering I often lose as many followers as I gain and it’s almost always right after I’ve been sharing my faith, and I’ve had friends question me or not believe my corrections of their ideas about the church if they’ve reblogged something misleading about us that I tried to dispel, but with time you learn to ignore it. I can’t control whether people want to stop following me, but friends generally stick around regardless, I find. I don’t think I’ve actually lost any over my beliefs, it’s more a matter of learning who not to talk about it with. I’ve been here for over a decade now and I have mutuals who have stuck with me for many years or even the whole time because they still like me no matter what they may not agree with; people who are understanding and care won’t make it a point of contention. I think if one day you choose to ease yourself into sharing your faith a bit more on your blog, it may not have the impact on relationships that you fear it would, and friends always have the option to block tags if they don’t want to see it. What you choose to do is completely up to you but I hope some of that fear is able to be calmed with time, whether or not you do open up more. I know it can be scary.

Thank you again, I really do love this gospel and I try not to be afraid to share the goodness of it, and to do it in a way that hopefully isn’t beating anyone over the head. I just like to put good things out there, partly for myself but if it also resonates with and rings true to anyone whether they’re a member or not, I’m thrilled. I have actually had an interesting number of non-members reblog scriptures I’ve posted from the Book of Mormon or quotes I’ve shared from conference talks. It makes me happy to see people recognize something good and want to share it like I did even if they don’t come from the same faith background. Any time I can give someone a boost with something I’ve posted of my faith it gives me a boost, too. I’m really glad that it’s meant anything to you, too.

[ill-be-istj-if-no-one-else-is]

Hi Em,

Hoping you can help me figure out my MBTI and/or enneagram type or at least point me towards the right direction.

As a writer, I do a detailed sentence by sentence outline for a specific chapter I’m writing and overall rough outline for the book. In life and in writing, I can veer off the plan, but as long as I have that end goal in mind, I’m good. It’s like seeing a train light in the fog – you know it’s coming even if you can’t see it clearly yet. Writing for me is all about enemies to lovers, witty banter, power struggles and internal monologue just like my life lol. I write best when it’s episodic or shorter segments at a time. I also need feedback the interactivity from fans to keep me engaged.

With routine, I need some external push, like deadlines from work, classes, or events, to get me going. If you say by the end of the week, it will done early or on time. If you say by the 15th I procrastinate or it’s late. It’s weird how that works. I also need actionable tangible steps to things otherwise I’m lost. Cleanliness and organization are my jam, not because I love order, but because I love beauty. I trust my gut and intuition for the final say with my heart making most of the decisions. It has to feel right or I get physically ill.

Aesthetics are huge for me – I’m all about beauty, art, culture and hedonism. I love nature, animals, children, reading, solitude, the supernatural, the dark, the taboo, the mythical, spiritual, touch, excitement and adventure. Good sex, good convo, beautiful clothes, good food- 100% me. I’m into enjoying life’s pleasures, and I spend a lot of time making sure my appearance reflects who I am. It’s not about others liking me; it’s about them knowing what kind of person I am upfront and they can do what that what they will.

I believe in fate, but sometimes I get too passive, waiting for things to happen instead of making them happen. I prefer alone or with my partner vs others. I don’t like venting without having some sort of solution at the end, some sort of action. I get frustrated, and I’m like, "Ok, but what are you going to try to do about it?" Doing can be crying, talking, or just giving yourself some time to think. It just has to have an action.

I’m quietly ambitious and if I want it I get it. I hate complaining or sharing my problems, preferring to work through things on my own. But when I do reach out, it’s all about finding solutions, getting that step-by-step guide to hitting my goals. My emotions are private but I go nuclear if pushed too far. I’m not about revenge- that’s up to the universe and it takes too much patience and minute detail, which just isn’t me.

Socially, I’m a bit of an enigma. I’ve faced bullying, which makes me cautious in social settings, despite being quite good with people one-on-one. I’m not into trends or networking; it feels inauthentic, though part of me wonders if it’s because I feel like I have nothing to offer. Talking up my achievements feels awkward; I’d rather let them speak for themselves. I’m the person who sees the talent in others and isn’t shy about pointing it out.

I have to know myself 100%- I can’t move forward without it. Once I hit a goal, I’m done and onto the next, always striving for excellence. Competition motivates me, but I’m not cutthroat. I work at my own pace, based on my mood. I’m generally calm until I’m not, and then it’s zero to a hundred. I struggle to express anger healthily, thanks to having to bottle it up when I was younger.

I’m triggered by the following: being called over-emotional, needy, lack of personal space and control, group projects, noise for the sake of noise. I worry about wasted potential and not living up to my gifts and talents. Hate being a second romantic choice option. I am intense, nicer than I look. I’m great at reading people in person because I can get a strong feel for their energy, vibes and body language. But online-social media feels like a minefield where I’m constantly misreading or attracting the wrong kind of attention.

I appreciate it, Em

Hi anon,

I am fairly confident you are a high Fi user, and I think with that in mind you are likely an Se user - the aesthetic focus is one part, but also what you said about needing interactions to stay engaged with writing (whereas I'd expect an NFP to be sufficiently hooked on the conceptual aspect) seems likely. I personally think the topics that interest someone in writing are not really dictated by MBTI, but how one approaches writing definitely is. High Se is also, generally, the best in my opinion at reading people; there's an attunement to body language. My guess here is ISFP.

The part about needing a routine to ground you/procrastination without clear deadlines is more in line with perceiving, though plenty of things (eg, ADHD) can complicate that, and going through this in order it was that followed by the comment on inauthenticity that led me to high Fi. It sounds like you're an introvert in MBTI but fairly comfortable with people, which is not unusual for feelers - I know a decent number of ISFPs and they tend to be quite personable but ultimately prefer to hang out with only a few people.

The ambition aspect is interesting though - you see this in high Se, to be fair, but much less so in the Se-auxes than with the Se-doms. I'm wondering if this is a relatively new thing, especially if you're at a point where inf Te would be starting to deepen.

[rianafying]

i feel like we don’t talk enough about what it feels like to love someone you know is not the one for you. like i fully know that you and i will never be compatible, or work, and i don’t even wish for us to work, because that would require at least one of us to change, and i know better than to wish for that. but in this moment, much more than i yearn for you, i love you. and i guess it’s like that with love. or with intense little crushes that feel like love. i wonder if the word crush was invented because it feels like being crushed underneath the weight of your desires. i wish i wished you desired me. but it’s so unlikely, i don’t want to waste my wishes on something so impossible. but i did. at 11:11 earlier today, i was walking home through the park and without thinking i wished for him. what a waste of a wish, and i take wishing very seriously. because i always wish for things more thoughtfully, and i never wish for other people. for example the last time i wished at 11:11, i wanted to wish for him but instead i wished for he strength to deal with however things turn out with him, best case scenario being he contacts me, worst case scenario being he blocks me. and this was a much better wish than the one i made today. actually it’s more than just a waste of a wish. it throws of the balance in my universe. i’ve been extremely spiritual and weird lately, and i take this stuff very seriously. signs and wishes. i just. i’m a little sad that’s all. most of the time i’m fine knowing that this is unrequited but once in a while, it just sucks, unprompted. it’s not like i learned something new, and that this new bit of information has changed my perspective. it’s the same old story, that is harder to swallow at night.

my costar says “Today you’re worried that you’re cutting yourself off from new experiences and retreating into yourself. But some bad company needs to be avoided. If other people don’t tend to your needs, can you step up for yourself?”

humans are more inclined to take risks after a car crash than after a series of psychological defeats. Slow down. Try not to reject every suggestion.

This month, you are ready to take time to regenerate, recover, and care for yourself. This is a commendable move for someone who either undervalues or overvalues what they have. Don't waste time.

The general theme of your life during this period is to learn to appreciate restrictions in your life for the structure they give you. There are many ways to let people back into your life. When you are matter-of-fact about who you are, the space between expectation and disappointment collapses. You will not fall apart right now. A few fragments might splinter off, but you'll remain whole. The deeper you seek, the more is your wonder excited. There is a space between action and reaction. In that expanse lies your power to choose a response.

Try stepping outside your comfort zone. Scaring away anyone who challenges you only reveals your possessiveness.

This month, you are ready to practice noticing signs of boredom and find ways to unplug that restore your strength. This is a commendable move for someone who will only settle for all or nothing. Know your worth.

This month, you are ready to take time to regenerate, recover, and care for yourself. This is a commendable move for someone who will only settle for all or nothing. Take time to improve your relationship to your self-esteem. Use this moment to streamline your aesthetic by getting rid of excess that no longer gives you pleasure.

You’re in a group, but you feel alone. No one seems to understand you. Maybe it's time to plant yourself somewhere new. Either way, don’t force yourself to stay in a situation that isn't feeding you.

Today you feel torn between the pressure to fit in and your love of unconventional relationships. It's good to challenge social expectations if that's what you need. Just make sure you're not doing that thing where you detach from people, and then start to believe that you're so different from everyone else. Discomfort and fear can be a signal that you're on the right track.

Your work this month is to dismantle your superiority complex. This is a big step for you, who believes every boundary was made to be broken. Stay feral.

Notice how what you think you lack makes you vulnerable.

Your vision has been clear regarding your romantic or creative life. There will be a chance opportunity that affects the fields of your natural talents. Try not to be too stubborn. Keep your eyes open.

This opportunity will see its beginnings in significant relationships where they meet with the ways you find joy. Keep an eye on projects you share with your partner, an affair, or a casual relationship becoming more serious.

Whether it’s fate or chance, now is the time to take advantage of anything that seems too good to be true.

wow this last bit is so on the nose, holy shit. i was kind of waiting for a solid sign or a push to reach out to him, this isn’t necessarily that push, but i’m definitely adding it to the list of small signs. i know he’s too good for me, yet he wanted me, yet he showed me kindness. you know, i don’t necessarily believe costar’s predictions because i don’t believe in future telling as a whole but i’ll be really happy if they’re right. i don’t want to take that leap, i have no faith. it’s too big of a jump to make. i have to be able to gauge how unrealistic it is. as cute as being delulu seems on tiktok, it’s pretty bad irl. especially when reality comes crashing down inevitably. there’s so much think about. is time running out? or do i need to be more patient. it’s always so difficult when dealing with lack of information, trying to read someone else’s mind. i have to remember it’s not about him. it’s not. it’s about my wants and needs, which will become bearable or fulfilled. i don’t want to chase someone. a love i have to beg for is not mine to keep. attention i have to fight for is not meant for me. whatever is meant for me, will not be so elusive.

as firmly as i believe that in this moment, there are times when i have doubts about the whole system. is there even such a things as meant to be, because that would mean believing in fate. who feeds fate, who influences fate. does fate think? does fate change its mind? is it weirdly too close to believing in god? as if god has anything to do with anything that happens to us. is everything random? this thought always scares me a little. i’m not my best self when u believe everything is random. but believing in fate gives it more structure, more harmony. even though it doesn’t change what happens. fate could be chaotic, and randomness could be organised, there is no way to know. what do i want and why do i want it? a lot of my recent wishes have come true. i wished to keep what i have, and for things to not get worse. things are not only not worse, they’re actually so much better? so hard to stomach the news. what i want is, for things to keep improving, not just stay where they are. slow and steady. i also want to not have so much worry in my heart. so much misery and restlessness. specifically, i want my health to improve, i want to have a clean room so i can work on my fashion collection and also have my friends over or to increase the chances of bringing my crush home, for dinner and drinks. i will be honest, i am trying to lose weight, but i’m trying to do it in a healthy way, like not starving myself, but it is hard to maintain the balance since i’m so much more familiar with spiralling rapidly into an eating disorder. i have these moments when i feel so ugly, and others when i feel pretty and they happen in a dizzyingly quick succession, but i rarely feel normal about the way i look. for the longest time it didn’t matter because i didn’t care about looking good. (even though it negatively affected my self esteem because i let myself go a little too much) but all of a sudden i do care. i want to be pretty. i want to be desirable to someone specific. which is so lame. because it’s like changing myself to be someone’s type, but so far what i’m changing is my literal health and wellbeing, fixing which is an objectively good thing to do, regardless of my reasons and intentions.

^all of that i wrote at 1am last night and now it is 2pm the next day. i’m less heartbroken more stressed about life and everything. whether im eating too much. also about my medication. one of my best friends just asked me if i wanted to go out for dinner tonight, and it’s a cheap place, but it felt like it wasn’t cheap enough? plus it’s all you can eat and i won’t be able to take advantage of that today as i’ve been trying to eat less lately. i should go on a day when im really hungry and actually want to eat a lot. also im broke, as always, so it’s hard to justify eating outside. i really need to get a job. omg now my friend wants to make dinner for me, i don’t deserve such kindness. i love my friends. there is good in the world. my faith has been restored.

it’s later in the day and i’m feeling angry and skeptical. maybe because i’m on a call w my dad. he’s literally so evil. so is my mother. now i’m just angry and worked up. it’s hard to be nice to them, it’s so unnatural, and it’s exhausting to be fake so they keep paying my tuition fees. anyway, yeah im bummed out. about a lot of things. i’m sick and im tired and im heartbroken, and i dont feel so good. i’ve been feeling pretty gross being covered in mucus all day, and also applying my meds and cling wrapping my limbs. my room isn’t getting cleaner from just wishing it. i have to actually do the cleaning. why can’t i be worthy of love and romance? why does it always end with me, alone in my room, scared of intimacy, wishing for a better life. it’s like i’m never happy, never content. how can i be? my body and brain hurt. my heart hurts. i like just one guy, after so long. and idek what i should do about it. if it seems too good to be true, it probably is. plus he’s so out of my league. like what am i even expecting will happen, it’s like having a crush on angelina jolie or something. entirely unrealistic. there is nothing there for me. i’m just so pissed at my parents actually. that is where all this negative energy is coming from. i just need to drink a lot of tea and gather my head. i wish i was perfect and my life was perfect and maybe this way, maybe my crush would want me back? idek him. i just like his face and energy and voice and vibe so far. i don’t know nearly enough about him but everything i do know has just been so good, like, how can someone be so perfect. and how could i be so far away from perfection.

it’s gonna be fine i’m gonna be fine. i was on the phone with a friend. another friend brought me dinner to my house. a delicious bowl of tofu and mushroom curry with rice. there is order and meaning to this universe. today was an emotional rollercoaster, but i’m going to be okay. hope has reentered the chat.

[hushpuppy5-blog]

Being around other young women (certain ones at least), I’ve noticed that they always want me to dissect myself alongside themselves. We can be in the public restroom, washing our hands, and all of a sudden she’s looking at herself intently. She touches her eyes, her nose, her lips…Then she proceeds to ask me, “What do you think is your best feature?”

I always thought this was a weird question, and insulting if closely examined. To them, I can’t like my physical self as a unified state. I can’t exactly be a “whole” being if I’m picking myself apart that way. Most of what I look like can’t be changed outside of diet and exercise. No, a lot of the women that do this want me to wallow in the self-defeatist mindset of not being attractive enough, specifically heterosexual women with an obsession with men. I don’t exactly have what are considered petite features by western standards either, so being forced to put myself under a mental knife is distracting for my personal growth. I spent too much time worrying about being ugly to people who perceive themselves to be better than me in looks either way, but are severely diminished in personality. Even worse, I wasted time feeling ugly to men I wasn’t even remotely attracted to. I was taught that they’d treat you better if you appealed to them visually. How sinister is that?

I think it’s weird how adamant they are about me changing my appearance. What happened to being beautiful in my own way? Beauty isn’t all about the conventional. I find spiritually beauty far more enlightening then what they’re trying to get me to follow. When I stopped slicing myself into the “best pieces”, my mental fog started to clear and I realized I was around distracting people. They want me to focus on what I think about myself when they already think I’m not worth a damn in the looks department anyway. They ask to confirm if you have too much confidence. Heck, even when I said I thought I was beautiful all around, she came back at me with a very condescending, “So much confidence…” lol almost like it offended her for me to like myself. That’s the dark side of people like that. They reflect their insecurities onto you and desire for you to feel bad. When you feel “ugly” you stop taking care of yourself. You don’t bathe, you don’t eat right, and you may even become a doormat since they’ve made you believe that you’re appearance is worth more than mental growth. I couldn’t look at myself in the mirror for a long time because of this damaged mindset. Not even the brush my teeth. When you’re naturally aligned with yourself and are not overly attached to the physical, as I’ve started to learn, you start to naturally de-age yourself and live longer, and I emphasize the live part. I stopped poisoning myself with certain skin-care and dietary habits (which were largely meant for self-destruction) and what do you know, my body matched what was going on internally. I look and feel more alive than ever. When I stopped being a zombie, I stopped looking like one with the sunken eyes and disheveled clothes. No, males don’t talk to me on a large-scale, and some may see that as a measure of “low-worth” for a woman. I see it as a plus if some males fear talking to a woman. It’s about your energy. Plenty of women talk to me just fine and enjoy my company, so I don’t think it’s my personality lol. When you’re a woman who stops caring about what the moids and fem-bots think, you become almost monstrous and “ugly” in their eyes, regardless of your beauty. You’re inconceivable.

[prettyrealm]

if you don’t mind me asking how do you know you and melody are soulmates? through tarot?

[insert tokyo toni “wellll, sorta kinda!” video]

Before I was close to her, I actually got a personality reading that was interrupted. The reader said there was someone in my life (and described melody exactly lol) that I would become closer to and that it would be extremely healing for both of us. I don’t wanna go into detail about exactly what it said, but it was basically like “the most perfect smartest and most caring friend you could ever ask for is right in front of you and don’t even worry about trying to make her like you or putting in too much effort because it will happen naturally.” At the time, I honestly didn’t see it happening and kind of brushed it off (especially since I was new to tarot and everything at the time) and I never told her about that part of the reading. But before I knew it, we were talking every day for multiple hours a day and pretty much shutting everyone else out 😅 When we couldn’t see each other we were texting or on the phone. We didn’t even notice how co-dependant we became either and I didn’t even notice how TRUE the reading was because it happened so slowly? I didn’t fight it but I didn’t really go for it either. I just wanted to talk to her about anything and everything all the time and she felt the same 😭 which was also pretty weird because neither of us were ever like that before hand - ESPECIALLY not her. There’s this song lyric we always say “that’s us!” every time we hear it. It’s “you’re cold and I burn, I guess I never learn” because she’s usually pretty cold (while I’m warm) but she can’t help but be warm towards me 💁🏽‍♀️💋 I always wish I could connect with that reader again and tell her how accurate the reading was and how right she was about the connection changing both of our lives.

Anyway, since then, we’ve gotten a few compatibility and dynamic readings and even have pulled cards for ourselves and it’s pretty much always said or implied that the connection is divine, meant to be and lifelong. Forever friends for sure. One reader even told us that there are two paths our friendship can take due to us being so different, but not to worry because both are so overwhelmingly positive. But besides that, I think even if we weren’t so spiritual we would just know. We’ve talked about it a lot and both agree that this is something we’ve never felt before with anyone. A connection we never even imagined or thought of being possible. Sometimes, we even watch shows or movies or even see peoples actual relationships (celebrities and real people)(soz😬) or even posts on twitter people make about their relationships or relationship goals and think “umm… why are we closer than them?” “NO SHADE, but how are they married but we’re closer and love each other more” “they begging for their friend or partner to do this but we already move that way 🤭🫣” we don’t even mean to be mean or douchey about it, but it’s a connection that we can’t help but feel arrogant about. I don’t think I’ve ever been more confident in anything or loved anyone more. Mutual obsession is super fun honestly. I know she’ll always have my back and I’ll always have hers and we never run out of things to talk about. Never run out of gifts to give. Never run out of nice words to say to each other. And it’ll never feel the same with anyone else 🥺💗 Platonically in love to be honest.

Sorry this was so long winded, as you can see I really am obsessed with her 😣 but the short answer is yes! But we would have known regardless lol

[creature-wizard]

I want to preface this by saying I do to an extent believe in LOA. I’ve seen stuff happen in my life as a direct result of my manifestations. Things that aren’t coincidences. That being said I think some of the stuff in that community is incredibly damaging and harmful and sent me into some very dark places, like blaming ppl for their abuse they’ve experienced etc etc. I want to thank you for making posts calling this out, it’s helped me when I thought I was seriously going crazy. Don’t stop making the posts but I would still recommend that u don’t be completely dismissive of the fact that people are manifesting some crazy stuff and it is possible. I understand it’s a slippery slope as most of spirituality can be. We need to be grounded whenever approaching spirituality and so much of LOA is lost in the clouds and I’m worried for the long term mental health effects this will have on them.

I'm glad it's helped!

And there's a certain amount of "crazy-sounding stuff" I wouldn't necessarily dismiss because I've seen some (non-LOA related) wild stuff in my life, but I also think it kinda... depends on the degree we're talking about, here? Like I think claiming that you can materialize stuff out of the aether is pretty suspicious, y'know? And anything that could only work if other people lack free will and agency immediately raises red flags for me.

And it's definitely going to psychologically mess people up to tell them that they can manifest anything with no limitations whatsoever and that it's all their faults if it just doesn't work. Never in all of my years have I seen any damn evidence that faith or belief really plays all that much of a role in apparent magical or miraculous results, but I know from experience how damaging it is to believe that the only reason they don't happen is because you just didn't believe the right way.

I think we're also in a pickle with the way people in the community tend to idolize Neville Goddard, with zero awareness of how he was basically operating from a Protestant Christian worldview (the whole... "everything that happens to you is God's will" -> prosperity gospel thing) while being way too confident speaking on topics he knew absolutely nothing about. (Sorry Neville, but you are wrong about literally everything you claim about the Bible.) I really think the community would be much better off if they could recognize that they shouldn't just accept everything a guy tells them at face value, even if what he's telling them to do seems to be useful.

[venusfun]

Hi thank u for answering my ask 😘😘 i think maybe if you couldn’t tell I’m a very intense person ig you can say idk. maybe theyree just not used to it and I’ve read my synastry with most of the libra moons i was referring too and i think i may feel this way because i do have a lot of sag placements like example my moon and Venus,so and there’s always conjunction with their Pluto idk I’m not very good with aspects so ignore that if I’m wrong🙃🙃 but i have another question…what do you think about 12h synastry? Me personally, i love it. It’s like a spiritual connection or something it’s so hot and transforming to me cause besides my slight dislike against libra moons,which tbh i kinda love cause yesss act all mysterious so when i leave you can only think about how much you miss me…but anyways i love any other libra placement i always like to discover how people really are deep down…sorry if my rambling is annoying I’m just a verrry curious woman and don’t have many people i can talk to about astrology hope ur having a good day xoxo

Heyy again! Don't worry, I really enjoy your asks, and I really like that you are being brutally honest😂. Now I understand, Sagitarius are more active, and Libra moons are passive, so this could cause some misunderstandings. Andd there is nothing wrong about being curious! Ask away!

I have mixed feelings about the 12th house synastry, but it depends on what placements are also there. The relationship can be like a fairytale, everything is perfect, with deep understanding, soulmate connection, and shit but tbh it's a very intense house for synastry, so it can also develop as stalking, not letting go, and even thinking that everything is amazing but it's not. So the planets and aspects are very important here :))

[themadhamster]

Happy New Year! I don’t usually write much here but with it being a New Year, it’s a time for people to review the year gone and look to the future and generally take a moment for self-reflection. This, I believe, is very important, but there’s going to be some irony now (is irony the right word?) as I tell you to do something instead of doing my own self-reflection, but I’ve noticed a common theme when talking to a lot people about self-improvement or when they’re generally reviewing themselves and I’ve come up with some advice based on it and it’s this: Please be kinder to yourself.

I’m not going to act like I’m an expert on this but too many people put themselves down because they haven’t made “obvious” progress, and I don’t think there’s anything wrong with doubting or worrying, it’s usually a sign that you care about the task at hand and want to do it right. But a lot of people I’ve spoken to usually end up being too harsh on themselves and don’t seem to realise how incredible they truly are. And as this seems to be a running theme with a lot of people I know, and myself included, I’m going assume this is the case for many people. So, if you find yourself feeling like you haven’t improved or haven’t done anything of significant this year, you’ll probably find you’re on your way, you just haven’t passed that milestone yet. Or, to take another approach, that simply living and having a new year of experiences on the way is really all you really need.

I’ll leave it on this bit from an old episode from the Simpsons that sums it up – “Self-improvement can be achieved, but not with a quick fix: it's a long, arduous journey of personal and spiritual discovery.” – Lisa “That's what I've been saying! We're all fine the way we are!” - Homer

[littlestloves]

I’ve never seen you look at me like that, before.

There was amusement, and adoration. Your smile made your face warm and glowy.

I was hyped up on caffeine, and a little out of it. You could’ve hurried up and gone home, but you stayed with me. I was telling stories about my friends. Then I was explaining that I’m never fully here, because I’m not naturally attuned to the earth, but I’m naturally attuned to the spiritual world. You looked at me like you were seeing the stars for the first time.

Maybe it was how excited or hyper I was. But I saw how much you enjoyed being there with me in that moment. Affectionate and amused. Calm and loving. My dramatic side actually entertained you.

I saw the level of interest you had when you asked Joana about the tarot reading I gave her. Then surprise, and awe. “It’s just crazy that you’re able to get all of that information.”

Then we talked about chemistry between people and charts. You said “that’s true, you either have it, or you don’t.” But then I said, “yeah, but not all chemistry is good. Your relationships will play out with some consistency based on your energy, but depending on who you’re with, different aspects of you will play out.” To which you agreed, then acknowledged that I would know, because I’ve been through a lot.

You walked me to my car, like you did last week. You know I’ll hug you in the parking lot. I liked being in your arms, and I’ve been looking in your eyes more often. Your eyes are actually beautiful.

I love hearing you talk about the things that bring you joy. I remember more details from what you tell me than anyone else, actually.

I think you were worried I was overly jealous, because you mention that a lot. I think I’ve made it pretty clear, if I get jealous, I’m simply going to accept that I’m not with my person, and move on.

As long as I know I’m the one you want, and no one else can actually have you, I’m not going to trip on anything. But, I have to know without a doubt, that you love me. That you want me, and you’re invested in making it work.

I do understand you, maybe on some levels that are deeper than anyone else could really understand. And I know that you know, it’s a combination of the things I’ve been through, and my ability to read your chart. My star power.

You were laughing when you told me Jayron was confused by that. It was hilarious. Then I was saying he made it through the day without making any innuendoes, to which you said “he’s just testing the boundaries” and I said “he’s finding them.” You laughed. “You don’t want that then huh?” “Not from him. He’s not my dude.” You smiled.

You told me you were happy I was building a real friendship with Joana. I could see how much joy it really brought you. Especially when she was saying I should bring Rylee in sometime so you can see how big her personality is. You agreed with the statement, but you know what my intentions are with you. You know that I think kids and significant others should take time to be introduced to one another. But I know on some level, you want to meet her. Especially since my other friends already have.

I told you we were getting a lot closer now, but before we were really feeling each other out. You said you understood, because you were really picky with who you let close to you. I told you that now, I don’t even waste any time. I just ask for their chart. You looked baffled, and said “really?” I laughed, but insisted. “People can lie to me, their charts can’t.” You nodded.

I miss you when you aren’t around. Especially when we don’t speak.

Maybe you’ll watch my favorite movie, and understand me on a different level.

I clung to you a little tight. I rested my head on your shoulder and pressed my chest to yours. You wrapped your arms around me. I must’ve felt so small against you. I think you pressed your face against my head for a second. I just felt safe with you. I’d stay longer in it if it wouldn’t be weird. We didn’t make eye contact again when we pulled away. You seemed happy, though. You told me you’d play some games with me this weekend. I told you that the stars said you’d have luck with your games for a while. You laughed, but I think you enjoy how I’m able to say things you don’t expect.

I really adore you.

I’ll admit, it scared and confused me when you didn’t text me after work a couple of days. I thought you didn’t like me. But, it’s honestly a relief to not have to bracket a set time for you. I really have a lot going on, and if I’m used to texting you every night, I’ll get lost in you.

[serenemy]

My Shirt Has People Asking

off camera out of character complete pause in bit: i don’t do veiled threats

for one thing, i don’t threaten the kinds of things that require veiling. i am a lot of things but mean and spiteful aren’t on the list except as momentary flashes of anger when provoked. i almost never feel anything remotely like that and wouldn’t want to because it seems unhealthy and immoral. i want widespread human flourishing, common ground and win-win-win approaches to managing conflict

vengeful and or violent aren’t on the list at all. it takes extreme anger to provoke even short lived thoughts of vengeance. i never have violent thoughts. to harbor thoughts of either would violate my spiritual beliefs

for another thing, i guess related, the things i do threaten, which aren’t ever cruel violent or illegal, i state clearly. what is the point of a threat no one can understand?

so if the thing you’re wondering was a threat would have to be a veiled one—it isn’t

this has come up to my surprise recently in more than one context. if i’m talking about a person who has betrayed their spouse in some way, and i say the other spouse should “get rid of” them i mean end the relationship, separate your estates and assets and remove their toxicity from your life

not murder them ffs

i loathe violence. i detest rights violations and immoral behavior. i’m so squeamish about bodies and medical issues i can’t properly care for my damn pets when they need at home health care

when i was a child the other kids would play marco polo in the swimming pool

i would circle the pool continuously rescuing still living bugs from the water and setting them gently onto a just right spot of pavement or towel to dry off and revive

i don’t even think it is okay to punch a nazi for his political beliefs. you have to wait till they initiate some sort of rights violation and punch them for that and only if it stops the rights violation and only to the extent necessary to stop it. no more

i don’t think collateral damage even in times of war is morally justifiable

i’m the one who got so upset about your refusal to use humane traps and your bizarre fixation on constantly showing me dead bodies of mice, bunny rabbits and other rodents and describing in detail what you did to them when you knew how upset it made me and i had beloved rats as pets

i wouldn’t do that to my worst enemy. you did it to your child. and the more it hurt me the more you liked it

and you’re worried about ME??

that’s rich

i pose a threat of psychological harm to people who love and rely on me. i have come to realize i pose a risk of boundary pushing and boundary crossing to everyone in my vicinity but especially my favorite people. i do not pose a threat of physical harm or rights violation to anyone. i do not pose a threat of identity unmasking (except people who defame me in writing) or legal action (except people who defame me in writing) or harassment or fatal attraction esq behavior of any kind to anyone

i really have way too much to deal with in my own life and i only spend as much time online for the reasons i’ve said a thousand times

no one is coming for you in this story because the role you play isn’t a big enough one to get that kind of story arc

i feel like somehow i’ve been trying to say this in so ways to so many people for so long. how did we get here? my people are friendly. idk

it’s a thing in some places

[lets-talk-spirituality]

helloooo~ I hope this message finds you okay :) so i've been having a lot of anxiety with the future of my relationship since we're now long distance, i read you said to another anon that we live in the present and we have to evolve to attract what we want. it kinda soothed me but me and my bf had this talk abt our goals and we found out our future plans are pretty much the opposite and that wrecked me bc one of us would need to sacrifice our goals to live together (this is basically something that may happen in 3-4 yrs honestly). it just made me think how we wont work, even tho he said "things could change over the years, lets focus on things one day at a time". if it's okay, could i get a message from spirit on how what to expect from my relationship as times goes by? we've been together for 2 years. thank you!!! <3

First of all I have to respond as myself. I think your message to me shows that you are convincing yourself to hold onto something you know isn’t right for you. And where is that coming from? Is it fear that there’s nothing better or more? It’s okay that you aren’t ready for things to end and to take time to let things evolve, but I also worry that you may compromise your goals and needs in order to keep the relationship. I want to strongly urge you to not do that, and instead, throw yourself more fully into your goals. You don’t have to have the future planned out but it’s important that you listen to yourself about the truth of the situation. Long term goals can change as we age, as people we change too but it seems to me you’re at a fork in the road where you can choose to change or stay the same. I personally encourage you to choose change before it’s chosen for you.

I’d never tell you leave the relationship. You will know what to do when it’s time but if you are already feeling that you guys won’t work. Maybe it makes sense to release the relationship and to trust that if this is your person, you will find your way back to each other. Sometimes we need to grow through other relationships before we come back to people. Sometimes we can only learn lessons with certain souls. I wrote this recently as I’m letting go of someone too… sometimes letting go is the most loving thing you can do. It hurts like hell but what hurts more is slowing decaying a relationship you refuse to release. I’ve clung to lovers until it became so toxic it had to end. I encourage you to end it if you notice it starting to head that way. It’s better to pause on good terms than ruin your connection all together.

Spirit, what can anon expect from the relationship?

That depends on you. There are many directions this relationship can take. All have been planned already. Your soul is tugging you towards one of the paths and you already know the answer. You need to listen to yourself. We know that things aren’t easy but we cannot tell you the future because you are creating it moment to moment. What we can say is that love discovered is love that always existed. Nothing can be created or destroyed. Just because we experience separation in the material plane doesn’t mean that we are separated spiritually. Sometimes life paths ask so much of us, leaving lovers and families to find more out there. But you are strong and capable to choose your own growth. That’s why they are called growing pains, child, it hurts to outgrow your shell. You have to fully rebuild yourself. The more you do it, the better you become at it. We hope that you trust yourself and us that the path you’re feeling drawn to will lead you to your ultimate bliss. We hope you can remind yourself of this always. Connections are never lost only transformed.

Card Pull

Chakra Exploration Deck

Solar Plexus— where are you being asked to grow, evolve and transform in your life?

Mantra: I can rely on my will to create the changes I want to see in my life and welcome challenges with grace, equanimity and resilience.

Well, this is pretty spot on. I asked what spirit wanted you to know about your relationship path and this came up which mirrors what spirit said above. Choose the path of growth! It’s not always easy or pretty but it’s worth it.

Hope this helps! Would love to know if it resonates.