#i don’t see why it’s so difficult to unlearn things when they’re internalised…

[laserlem0n]

i genuinely despise how there’s this expectation to be productive 100% of the time and how it’s convinced me that i am lesser and unloveable and a bad person for physically not being able to when that’s not the case at all

[rantingcrocodile]

Too many of the “Radical Feminism 101″ posts are just lists of what radical feminists are against and not about how to unlearn internalised misogyny, and that’s why you have “radfems” who can both say, “I’m a radfem because I’m anti-porn, anti-surrogacy, gender critical...” etc and then unironically say the nastiest, cruellest and most disgusting things about and to other women.

When you have tick-box lists of what radical feminism is, anyone can LARP as a radfem by reblogging the right things from the right women and then feel like that’s protection from any criticisms of misogyny. 

It’s especially common in women who have made their entire online personalities nothing but “I hate men.” There’s a difference between venting and then obsessively hating men to the point that the focus of their “feminism” is men instead of actually educating and supporting women. That leads to the most offensive takes like “homophobic and biphobic straight women aren’t actually a problem because the straight men are worse,” or “white women being racist to MOC isn’t actually a problem because they’re men first,” which only ends up harming lesbians, bisexual women and WOC, and those are only a few examples.

Then there are the “rudefems,” who are nothing but failed “radfems,” the women who say that they started out as “nicefems,” but then who realised that it was much more difficult than they realised to personally maintain a sense of class consciousness with all women, so immediately “forget” what patriarchy does to women and then they treat every single woman who behaves the way that patriarchy has conditioned her to behave like she’s a failure in some way, like the only “good” women are the cruel “radfem” women.

The point of radical feminism is for women’s liberation, and that means supporting women as a class. That doesn’t mean jumping to see a horrible woman and then scrabbling around in the dirt to excuse her actions and blame men instead. That doesn’t mean excusing abusive women, protecting violent women, coddling racist women, feeling pity for homophobic and biphobic women, patting ableist women on the head, cooing for classist women, etc etc etc. It means that no woman, at all, whatever she has done, should ever be victimised by misogyny and she should be free of oppression by the patriarchy. That’s all. We can recognise motivations behind the actions of the above women, we can see the factors of patriarchy in their choices, we can applaud women who break free of environments where bigotry was the norm and they learned to be better, but that doesn’t mean absolving any crime or bad behaviour from a woman just because she’s a woman. That just isn’t feminist.

If your “radical feminism” has you feeling like you’re somehow special and superior to other women in some way, if you look down on women who don’t have their eyes opened in the way you think your eyes are open, if you demand specific labels that women need to use before you think they’re “good enough” or otherwise treat radical feminism like it’s an identity politics game, then you’re not a radical feminist, you’re a misogynist with extra steps.

That’s all.

[balillee]

i don't understand how people can write off every single person in the dream smp/mcyt as problematic

yes, definitely, dream has been in some controversies, but you also know what else he's done?

he's helped to give a platform to someone like eret, who has, on record, bought binders for some of his trans followers. he gave a platform to ranboo, who cumulatively has donated $100,000 to the trevor project (which dream contributed to when he gifted 1000 subs during the subathon). he helped to further platform tommy, who, despite not needing to, goes through those godawful threads on twitter and apologises for things he may have fucked up on even if they are insignificant, and who addresses a lot of stuff even without being asked. the list of very positive people he's helped give a platform to goes on.

i don't get the whole 'you shouldn't have done it in the first place then' argument. you're calling them irredeemable, and for someone who's pushing for positive and progressive social change, that makes you a hypocrite. opinions can change, people can learn, and that should be wholly welcomed and encouraged. and, nine times out of ten, when someone's being 'problematic', as you say, they likely don't know that something's problematic. and you can sit there and you can say that 'well if i know, then you should know', but that's not how this works. i didn't know for years that the r word was a slur, for example, due to my history with internalised ableism that i've learnt and grown from (which has helped me to navigate my own neurodivergence), and because of the normalisation of the term in britain. that's immediately very different from someone with a set of progressive parents who are well educated on topics such as mental health, and who's from an area where terms like that aren't so normalised. you don't know these people's upbringings either in real life or online.

'oh, but my parents were conservative, you just don't have any agency to think for yourself. you have no compassion.' once again, not how this works. a lot of people could have been taught things by their parents from a young age that will have very long-lasting impacts on their life and their perspectives, and if something's been taught to you, it can be difficult to unlearn that behaviour or change your viewpoint, especially in the case of neurodivergent people - to which, for the people that said that dream 'has no compassion because he would have known better in the first place', your ableism is showing. these people don't encourage positive growth because they don't care about actually changing minds and changing lives - they want to win. they're the ones who don't have the compassion, the patience or the sympathy to help people become better and understand why they were wrong, and most importantly, move on from that so that real change can be made.

it's glaringly obvious that people who say these things only know the dream smp or mcyt through dream's controversies and the shitshow that is mcyttwt, and they don't know the true depth of the creators involved who are a breath of fresh air in comparison to the types of individuals who used to sit at the top of the gaming categories. they're not perfect and they're always learning, especially since a lot of them are still so young, but especially in comparison to the types of people you typically see in gaming communities, the mcyt/dsmp community is the last of your worries. to be overly concerned about it seems performative, like i always say.

[mollydollyjournals]

I'm discovering that an easy way to stay motivated and distracted is to just watch beauty and skincare videos lmao. It's been just over a decade since I was really into some beauty YouTubers - now they're like married with kids and just do vlogs rather than actual makeup tutorials or anything like that. But since I decided to try Korean 10-step skincare I thought I'd try to find some new YouTubers to follow. Maybe I'll even download tiktok 👩🏽‍🦳

I forgot though, how weird it makes me feel about my skin colour. I grew up wishing I was white and then got into some Asian cultural things where paleness is considered a positive, so for me being mixed race/black that hit old insecurities from childhood. I spent a lot of time trying to unlearn that internalised racism and I love that now there's so much more positive representation of medium and dark skin tones. I love that I can go to a blog or page on pretty much any platform and find something dedicated to brown and black skin, and I look at them and remember that it really is beautiful. Sometimes I even feel that about myself, if my tan is just right. As a kid or teenager it'd be unthinkable that I'd actually want to tan. It still looks weird on me in most UK weather. But in proper sun, I really like my skin with a tan. It may be February now but just the other day I thought my skin looked really nice against the colour of nail polish I'm currently wearing and I love having golden skin.

Then I watch Korean beauty stuff and all the afters are so pale while the befores are a little darker, along with being uneven and blemished or wrinkled or whatever else. It starts putting that association back into my mind and I just caught myself almost reflexively thinking 'I should get some lightening products.' And it'll be difficult to avoid since I do want some things to fade dark marks and unevenness. But I don't want to let myself start getting internalised antiblackness again. So I'm trying to also find some black/South Asian/indigenous/otherwise brown beauty bloggers too, but ones that use the same kind of things.

It sucks though, knowing that I was able to train myself out of thinking like that about my skin, but I've never been able to do it about my weight. I've put a lot of effort into trying to work on my prejudices and such. Past me had some reeeaaally bad views that I had to eventually confront. It's why I get especially pissed off at people who refuse to examine that stuff - I know it's possible. But even over years and trying to give my fatphobia the same treatment, all I did was make myself accept everyone else. I still can't accept my own body.

I'll just throw myself into skincare for now. And cleaning. Both of those have rewards that aren't just about my weight, but might get me there if the cleaning doubles as a workout and the skincare distracts me from binging. There's so much I want to buy towards both of those things though...I got a load of money not long ago for the first time in quite a while, and I was thinking I could get fillers with it. Then I thought if I do that I can't get anything else, and I want to get some things, so I'll just save most of it until next month when i should have more money and be able to do the fillers. Then I decided to get a load of skincare stuff and some household stuff and now there's loads of other stuff I want that could finish up most of the skincare stuff I want and some of the things for the house, storage and such. And I don't have a whole lot of money left to save so I might as well just spend it, right...? But then I know that whenever I next get money I'll wish I'd saved even what I have now. But then I also know that when i next get money I still won't have enough for fillers even with this, so I should just spend it now...

Ugh. I just want both. Kinda thinking I just spend the money now and see if I can make hb buy me fillers later. He spends so much money on his videogames and I've been stuck in my room mostly alone for however fucking long. And I've already missed 2 of the filler top-up appointments I would normally have, which he'd pay for. And he always complains about how messy I am so he might even like it if I can make the bathroom nice and organise some things. So why the fuck not. I guess. Idk. I really need to go back to work and start getting my own money again. But to do that I need to lose all the weight I gained. Same old.

[malaysian-rants]

so what do we REALLY think of Sex Work?

If there’s one thing quarantine in Melbourne’s lockdown has brought me, it is the endless curiosity to understand our thoughts and unpack them. So at least once a week, I do a poll on my Instagram page feed into my nosiness and see what thoughts people around me have on different topics - exploring our stances on our mortality to orgasms to parenthood. Last week, I decided to understand where people placed themselves in regards to sex work and BOY, did the whorephobia jump out!!!!

“ Whorephobia can be defined as the fear or the hate of sex workers. Sex workers like me would argue that it also embraces paternalistic attitudes that deem us a public nuisance, spreaders of disease, offenders against decency or unskilled victims who don't know what is good for them and who need to be rescued.” - Thierry Schaffauser

Let’s rewind a little bit though. The people that responded to the poll were mostly friends from Malaysia and Australia. Malaysia being where I grew up and Australia where I’ve spent some of the most telling years of my young adulthood. Growing up, we have stignamised ideas of sex work, a very narrow-minded understanding of the various FORMS of sex work, and an even more warped perception of WHY people choose Sex Work (SW). The word of the day is choice - the agency to choose sex work. All the choices are worthy of our respect. In Malaysia, most view sex work in a very derogatory sense. We, unforunately, perceive sex workers as dirty, unsafe, in need of rescuing - saviour complexes, or an easy getaway card out of “real” work. It’s funny the amount of times teenage/young adult women will say, “should we just drop out and become strippers? hahahah” as if the sex work industry doesn’t involve immense skill and tact that is not necessarily a natural skill; it has to be learnt - like many of the skills a lot of us use in our jobs. Coming to Australia, the perception shifts. Some forms of sex work are decriminalised which create safer working conditions for SWs. It’s not perfect though, there still lies a lot of racism within the sex work industry especially against Indigenous SWs and there is still stigma in presenting as a sex worker in public situations.

SO LET’S SKIP AHEAD TO MY QUESTIONS AND DEBUNK SOME OF PEOPLE’S PERCEPTIONS ABOUT SEX WORK!

Question #1 Are Strippers Considered Sex Workers?

46% answered YES and 54% answered NO. *drumroll please* The answer is YES! Strippers/Dancers do fall under the umbrella of sex work. 

Let’s take a brief dive into this. SEX WORK actually an umbrella term coined by SW activist Carol Leigh to create an alliance between the marginalised groups of work & to counter the whorephobic second-wave feminism's derogatory terms.This term also helps to combat "lateral whorephobia" - another useful term to remember. SEX WORK as a term helps to unite a diverse range of workers. It combats strippers/dancers from saying "well at least I'm not a whore", cam girls from saying "at least we don't f*ck our clients", pornstars from calling escorts dirty - because ALL ARE SEX WORKERS. It takes away the stigma that people WITHIN the industry put onto different types of work - whorearchy as SWs call it! There are so many types of work that fall under the umbrella of sex work, a few to name being - strippers, dancers, cam girls, phone sex operators, pornstars, sugarbabies, people that work in brothels, pro-DOMMES, pro-SUBs, escorts, online workers, street workers, and the list goes on.....

(to flag: the next few stats may be inaccurate as more than half of the people that did this DID NOT PERCEIVE STRIPPERS AS SEX WORKERS - which may/may not change the future questions’ answers)

Question #2 Do You Know A Sex Worker Personally?

43% answered YES and 57% answered NO

Question #3 Should We Decriminalise Sex Work?

Around 75% answered YES and 25% answered NO. The real answer is YES! We 100% need to be decriminalising sex work and working towards unlearning our biases surrounding SW and sex workers.

Question #4 What Are Our Ideas of What Sex Work Involves?

“prostitution, escort services, massage services with happy endings, bartering”

“stripping, escorting, phone sex operating, sexting services, online entertainment”

“paid services for cash” 

“using your body as entertainment for another’s pleasure/enjoyment”

“people that sell any form of body pics (eg nudes) to escorts”

“exchanging sexual activites for something eg. cash, benefits”

“anything that involves direct touching from both parties” “lap dances”

“consensual services provided by adults”

Now.... there were HEAPS of people that replied with prostitution. Now that’s the first word to DELETE from your vocabulary. Sex workers don’t appreciate when people call them this. Below are more helpful ways to refer to SWs

Question #5 What Are Your Opinions of Sex Work?

“if you’re that comfortable in your body and feel safe at work then all the power to you”

“it needs to be acknowledged as an actual industry” “it’s work and should be protected and provided benefits as all jobs receive”

“I’m here for all women getting their coin! why it’s a taboo, I will never understand”

Sex work is Work. 100%, scream it from the rooftops! Here’s a response that I think is quite commonly held across the board.

“It depends on why they’re (sex workers) doing it. If they want to then YAS if they have to/no other options then :(” At the end of the day, whatever reason people go into sex work - we must give them ALL THE RESPECT and continue to advocate for safer working conditions to prevent exploitation,abuse and assault. There are a multitude of reasons why people go into sex work:

It’s a side job to earn more income

It's survival work

Sex workers also play a HUGE role in disability support. Having access to sex work services can assist with building self-esteem and give people with disability a greater degree of autonomy in being able to fulfil their desires independently.

Our work structures (because of capitalism) are INHERENTLY ABLEIST - people with chronic illnesses and disabilities that need FLEX work seek out SW as an option 

Question #6 Would You Date Someone That is Currently A Sex Workers?

It was a clean 50/50 split and THIS is truly where the internalised whorephobia jumped out because look at the next answers

Question #7 Would You Date Someone That Was Previously A Sex Worker?

82% answered YES whilst 18% answered NO. Here are some of the reasons why people answered NO for either of the questions and let’s debunk some of these!

MYTH #1 - “Cause I believe in monogamy” You can still be monogamous and date a sex worker. Way back when, monogamy was described as one person for LIFE and nowadays it’s evolved to one person at a time. This where the distinction that sex work is WORK becomes important. Sex workers are working when they interact with their clients/members in whatever form. 

MYTH #2 - “I’m a selfish boyfriend” This isn’t really a myth per say but it’s a popular line of thought. It interesting that we internally perceive our partners as ours/our property/someone we have onus over. I loved the honesty in this answer because like they say, it’s selfish. So yeah some people see dating a sew workers as “sharing” - as if SWs were engaging in the same capacity to their partners as they were to their clients. Well fam, I’m here to tell you that sex workers can make that distinction and if anything, are BETTER at establishing boundaries than the most of us. 

MYTH #3 - “I just think I wouldn’t feel safe having sex with them” This rhetoric only continues the damaging narratives that are projected onto sex workers which perpetuated the stigmatisation and discrimination sex-workers receive on the daily. Take a step back and unpack why you feel this way. What about sex workers do you perceive as dirty? In regions where sex work is decriminalised and destigmatised, workers have safe access to medical check-ups which means they’re probably getting tested more often than your average joe!

MYTH #4 - “I would feel less experienced (sexually) which would make me less comfortable” this.... well, is pretty common and stems from our own personal insecurities. some of us have felt this way REGARDLESS of whether our partner is a sex worker. It’s important to note that not all SWs work in the same way - some forms of sex work don’t require you to be physically present with another human, some just require a lot of imagination, creative and emotional intelligence ie phone sex operators.

So that’s all the questions! 

I’ve decided to start a #SexWorkSeptember series to talk about sex work across the globe to probe more open conversations!

Here a some phrases that are WHOREPHOBIC and we’ll unpack them in the coming weeks!

“I respect them and power to them but personally.... I couldn’t cause I have principles and morals ya know”

“I just couldn’t date someone that’s a sex worker :/”

“It’s alright if my friends and peers do it but oh no my mother/sister/niece/aunt could never! no that’s not okay!”

A final thing to remember is that sex work IS NOT easy nor the easy way out! Sex work can be difficult. Sex work requires marketing skills, assertiveness, confidence and a sales-like hustle. It’s as easy and difficult as your own jobs!

Over and out,

Lama :)