#i don’t know I made him at the peak of my parent’s post-divorce | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

justkending · 4 years ago

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Moral of The Story. Chapter One.

Summary: Marrying too young out of highschool leads to a naive and failed marriage. Now 10 years later, word comes that the divorce was never actually completed. Bucky and Y/N have to come back together after all these years to settle what wasn’t all those years back. Passive attitudes, miscommunicated endings, and reminiscing of an old love all comes back for the two.

Pairing: Bucky x Y/N

Word Count: 2600+

A/N: Ok, here is the first chapter! If you have not already listened to the song that evoked this idea from my imagination land, I suggest giving it a go! Moral of the Story by Ashe. I’m excited for you guys to see what this story brings and I really hope I do it justice! As always, comments and thoughts are welcome as they help me grow as a writer and let me see what you guys notice:) ENJOY MY LOVES!!! <3

(The posting will be once every other day until I have finished the series. If I finish early, I will post an update once a day:)

Read the Prologue here first!

Chapter One:

"You already got the flight?" Nat asked, perched on Y/N's couch as she ran around frantically packing. "Don't you have a huge meeting next week with that new business? What was it called? Bee's Knees?"

"Yes, but it's not until Monday evening. I highly doubt I will be there longer than a weekend to sign a few divorce papers. I'm planning on coming back early that afternoon, so I shouldn't miss it," she answered, not even stopping to look at her as she ran through the rooms and bathroom in the apartment.

"How soon did you book that flight?"

"As soon as I hung up the phone with Murdock," Y/N sighed. Nat sent her a questioning look not knowing that name. "New lawyer. The guy who took over for the sleazeball known as Justin Hammer," she rolled her eyes.

"Right," Nat nodded. "So, are you staying at your dad's house?"

"I would take my dad's house over my mom and Jerry's any day. You know this," Y/N paused in her actions, sending her a bitch face.

"I know. Just didn't know if you'd be all fancy and rent a hotel room to escape the smothering that is bound to happen from good ol' Mr. Y/L/N," Nat grinned.

"It's been so long since I've seen him not via facetime. And we both know that's barely seeing him as he doesn't know where the camera is even after a hundred calls," she laughed.

"Parents. Either they're technologically challenged or know how to work it better than us. Never in between and it's weird." Nat watched as Y/N froze in her stance and looked lost trying to think of something else to pack. Deciding she needed a distraction, Nat changed the subject some. "Hey, did you get Melody to go on that date tomorrow?"

"Yes!" Y/N answered proudly. "I know your aunt wants grandbabies from her daughter, but that girl just needs a night on the town more than anything. She's in her early 20's and holes herself up at the office almost more than I do, and I'm the boss."

"Cousin's got my work ethic. What can I say?" Nat shrugged smugly.

"Well, she needs to get your spirit in living some too."

"Touche," Nat pointed. "I need to have Yelena take her out. She's the real party sister out of us two."

"That is true. How she's able to party for 48 hours straight and still wake up at 8 am for mimosas, blows my mind," Y/N commented on Natasha's younger sister. "She's only a few years older than Melody, right?"

"Yeah, Yelena is 24, and Melody is 22. They were best of friends growing up, but once they got to high school, they kinda went different routes about life. Lana, the party gal, and Mel the studious bookworm."

"I'm not surprised by either of those," Y/N shook her head before collapsing next to Nat on the couch. A loud breath and sigh escaped her body.

Nat watched as her mind escaped back to the original issue at hand.

"What's going on in that brain of yours, Y/N/N?" she said, softly touching her shoulder. "Not that I don't already know, but maybe letting it out will help unscramble those thoughts."

Y/N lazily rolled her head to the redhead next to her.

"How is he?" she asked.

Nat was a part of their friend group from middle school through high school. She kept up with all of them still, whereas Y/N kept up with all of them except one.

"I actually haven't talked to him in a while. Steve on the other hand..." Nat nodded. "From that source, it sounds like Barnes is just as surprised and freaked out as you."

"He's freaked out?" Y/N asked, a hint of interest peeking out.

"Who wouldn't be? You get a call from a lawyer saying your marriage is still intact after 9 years of breaking it off, I would be freaked out too."

"He deserves it. I hope he's just as freaked out as me, if not more," she responded bitterly, crossing her arms across her chest like a pouting child.

"Y/N," Nat sighed.

"No. Don't. Don't defend him to me, it's pointless," she put up a hand. "I know you're still friends with him, but you guys still don't understand the pain that that man brought on me."

"He fought for you, Y/N. He didn't mean-," Nat countered.

"Again, you're wasting your breath. Defending him now does nothing to change the past," she said stubbornly, getting back up and carrying on with her packing. "You can still take me to the airport tomorrow, right?"

Her best friend wanted to keep pushing, knowing she had harbored this heartbreak for too long. Sure what had happened between them sucked and was a horrible chapter of their lives, but neither made an effort to talk it out and understand the other's side of the story. Faults of being young, immature, and not knowing how to handle a grown-up decision.

"Yes, I'll pick you up at work at 10. Flights at 11:25, right?"

"Yes, and you know California traffic. That will probably get me there 10 minutes before my gate closes. I had to get an early flight though because that time difference is going to kick my ass. It'll be close to 5:30 in my head and 8:30 there by the time I land... " Y/N huffed, rolling her bag to the front door for tomorrow. "You mind taking this tonight and keeping it in your car for now? That way I don't have to lug it to work?"

"Yeah, yeah. I'll grab it on my way out. But we're still having a girl's night, right?"

Y/N laughed some before going to the kitchen to grab beers. "I Survived is already recorded and ready for us."

___________________

"Shit man... When's the last time you talked to her?" Steve asked, sitting across from his best friend in the chair diagonal from the couch, leaning forward on his knees after listening to the new news.

"Since I was supposedly signing our divorce papers. And even then, we didn't really talk. She sat there quietly straight-faced until it was signed and then rushed out the doors," Bucky sighed, still trying to wrap his head around the situation. "She was out of the state within the next hour."

Steve nodded before falling back into the single seat.

"So, do you guys have to see each other again, or is it one of those situations where you can sign separately?"

"I don't know. I just got off the phone. All I know up to this second is that Y/N and I have been married for the past 9 years without knowing it," Bucky said somewhat harshly. Steve didn't flinch at the tone knowing it wasn't directed at him. "I'm sorry. I-I just can't wrap my mind around this."

"It's ok. This is crazy shit, Buck," Steve waved off. There was a long pause before Steve decided to ask the question he was sure anyone would want to know. "Do you want to see her?"

Bucky slowly looked over to the blonde. God, he had been asking himself that question for the past 10 minutes himself.

On one end, yes. He wondered where she was now in life. How she was doing. What accomplishments he knew she would be making. He knew a few small things just by the whispers and small talk of her with their shared friend group that he still hung out with, but a majority of the time, they didn't bring her up around him. They knew what it did to him.

On the other end, he never thought about facing her again. I mean maybe for the year after their divorce, but when he never heard anything back from her all those times he still tried to reach out and she blocked him on almost all forms of social media, he gave up any hope of them falling back into good terms again. He hated it, but he wasn't going to push her when she clearly hated his guts.

And honestly, he deserved it. His young, stupid, college self was not a smart guy when it came to relationships. Even ones that had been there from the beginning of time practically.

Yet again, she wasn't perfect either. She made some mistakes of her own that pushed him to act the way he had.

"Hey, you both are older and more mature now. I'm sure you if you guys do have to see each other again, you can handle it like adults," Steve reassured, seeing Bucky's face turn to a soft frown. "Ok, so she may be a little stubborn..."

"A little?"

"Ok, a lot. But she's older now. She's not the 19-year-old girl that you remember," Steve defended.

"I believe that but I'm sure she still holds a grudge that is very, very, very, very-," Bucky was going to go on about 10 more very's before ending with BIG, but Steve cut him off.

"You don't know that," Steve shook his head.

"Really? Because usually when you no longer hold a grudge against someone, you might just reach out to that person and reconnect possibly," Bucky argued. "I mean that's what mature people do, right?"

"Not always..."

"So she's either not mature or still just as stubborn. Hell, for all we know, both," Bucky shrugged, pursing his lips.

"If you go into this with that mindset, nothing good is going to come out of it." Steve pointed an eyebrow at him.

Bucky rolled his eyes not replying to Steve. He knew he was right, but he was still bitter after all these years about how Y/N handled the situation. Sure, he messed up, but she had to. Yet she made him into this big bad wolf that was at 100% fault in the downfall of their relationship. It made him feel like shit, and though he tried to make amends knowing he did some fucked up things, she acted like she was Miss Perfect and didn't do anything wrong the entire time.

Damn, even after all this time, it still lit a fire in his chest with annoyance and hurt.

"When's the meeting?" Steve once again interrupted his thoughts.

"I guess Saturday morning. They said they were coming in on their off hours to fix up a few cases they found like ours," Bucky answered.

"How many cases were there?"

"Eh, I think he said it was single digits, but there were a shit ton of other cases in different areas that were worse off. The divorce ones are a small number compared to those."

"Damn. That sucks for all the couples who got a call today then," Steve huffed, running a hand down his face.

"Yeah, you're telling me..."

"Hey, we were going out with Wanda and Vis tonight. You still up for that, or...?" Steve stood up.

Bucky looked back at the beer on the coffee table and then at the TV still playing I Survived stories quietly in the background.

"You know what? I'm going to need a stronger drink than an IPA to get me to sleep tonight," Bucky nodded, standing and wiping his hands on his jeans before walking to his room.

"Looks like I'm the DD tonight then..." Steve sighed.

___________

"Vis," Wanda motioned to her fiance as he came back from the bar. "Nat just texted."

"About what? How is she?" Vis smiled as he sat next to her with Sam across from him. Sam tagged along at the last second since his other plans got canceled.

"She's good, but it's not about her," Wanda waved off, still reading whatever lengthy text was sent her way.

"Wow, that looks like a novel," Vis noticed with wide eyes as he looked over her shoulder.

"Wait 'til you hear what it's about."

Sam shook his head as he took a sip of the beer Vis had brought over.

After reading the rest of the text out loud from where she had left off, everyone at the table looked at each other with shock ridden faces.

"They're still married?" Vis said softly as if it was a secret.

"Apparently..." Wanda nodded with wide eyes.

"So that Hammer guy was a sham?" Sam questioned.

"I told her not to go to him. He had some shady hole in the wall kind of establishment," Wanda chided. "But she said they needed something cheap and fast. She hated his guts and wanted it out of it then and there. Plus, they were 19. They didn't have much money anyway."

"Why didn't they just ask their parents for help?" Sam questioned. "Isn't Y/N's mom loaded?"

"Yes, but she refused to help her. She said it was her own fault for getting married so young and that she had warned her. Told her she had to get out of the mess on her own," Wanda answered.

"What about her dad?" Vis jumped in.

"Bucky and her dad were close. She was off in Colorado for school and didn't want to put her dad through that or make him have to help her in cutting him off. Bucky was like the son he never had and they were bonded at the hip. No matter how much Y/N hated Bucky, she wasn't going to ruin or take away his relationship with her father. That would have been cruel, and Y/N is anything but that."

"Weren't Bucky's and Y/N's dad's best friends?" Sam asked.

"Yeah, they were old-time war buddies. They're the reason Bucky and Y/N had known each other since birth. But Bucky's dad died when he was about 13, and Y/N's dad, Thomas, kinda took him under his wing. Growing up a teenage boy without a father figure messes with you, and Bucky was on the edge of a bad path after losing his father."

"He's still rather close with Thomas, but I'm sure Y/N doesn't know that. Unless Thomas has said something, and with how everything came to an end for the two, I'm sure he doesn't bring it up knowing how tender of a subject Bucky is to her," Vis added.

"Makes sense..." Sam nodded. "I only knew you all from the start of college, so I'm still a little lost in all the beginning stuff."

"All good. It's complicated with those two. Their past and upbringing are so interconnected with the other, it makes their downfall all the more intense and messy," Wanda sighed. "God, if this is the news, he's going to be a wreck tonight..." She looked up worriedly at her fiance who shared the same concerns.

"It could go two ways. Either he comes in all solemn and says three words all night, or Steve's going to be the DD and he's waking up with a head-busting hangover," Sam noted with a small grin at the thought. "I'm going to go with the latter though."

"Poor guy," Wanda sighed, taking a drink with a sad face. Ever the sympathetic one.

"We'll be here to listen if he wants to talk. If not, we act like we have no idea and don't bring it up," Vision spoke up, throwing his arm over her and running his hand up and down her shoulder.

"I'm going to tease him still most likely," Sam shrugged nonchalantly. Wanda sent him a warning glare. "Fine, mama bear! I'll be nice... Until he starts making a fool of himself." He added the last part quietly.

Moral of the Story Taglist:

@taylormobley @ximaginx @vicmc624 @leyannrae

Marvel Tags:

@thejourneyneverendsx @death-unbecomes-you @heyiamthatbitch @lizzymacy555 @srrymydood @xa-dia @redhairedfeistynerd @morganclaire4 @connie326 @captain-asguard @mollygetssherlockcoffee @teenagedreams-bucky @shower-me-with-roses @pham-tastical

My Lovelies forever:

@natura1phenomenon @lauravicente @kakakatey @traceyaudette @notyourtypicalrose @laneygthememequeen @awesome-badass-cafeteria-sauce @sandlee44 @thorne93 @thefaithfulwriter @essie1876 @greyeyedsmile14 @capsiclehan @xostephanie @averyrogers83 @awesomenursingstudent @gh0stgurl @cs-please @carls1022 @jjlevin @rainbowkisses31 @anise-d-castle6 @deannotmoose @their-bibliophile @kitkatd7 @willowbleedsonpaper @mariaenchanted @snffbeebee @couldabeenamermaid @rebekahdawkins @alyispunk @princess-annna

Bucky Barnes Tags:

@chloe-skywalker @charmedbysarge @jbarness @bellamy-barnes @katiaw2 @aikeia

#bucky barnes modern au #bucky barnes x reader #justkending series #bucky barnes #bucky barnes x y/n #bucky barnes series #bucky barnes modern series #bucky barnes au series #bucky barnes highschool #bucky barnes x highschool sweetheart #bucky barnes highschool sweetheart #bucky barnes x reader insert #reader insert #marvel #marvel au #marvel au series #justkending

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captainstarkky · 3 years ago

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Doom at Your Service - An Appreciation Post

Before starting this lengthy post about how I love this drama, I would just like to commend the writer - Im Meari. She has done a wonderful job with this series. I am sad that Episode 10, which was supposed to be the most meaningful episode - had the lowest ratings in Korean media. But still the whole drama as a while was a masterpiece. What can I say? It is philosophical and poetic at the same time. It entails too many meanings and it has born too many questions.

For me, the whole series is the journey to acceptance.

And Myeol Mang represents that.

When we are faced with an imminent death or destruction, our first reaction is to get angry, frustrated. That’s a normal emotional response to a bad news for humans. If you are in the right head, you will obviously cry or either space out, unable to talk for a few minutes. That is how we get frustrated, that is how we get angry.

And remember what Myul Mang said?

“No one could love me. Everyone either resent me or wants me. Or some fear me.”

It roughly translates to layterm as: ‘...everyone resents me’ (no one wants to die) “...wants me” (some wants to die)... “or some fear me.” (everyone is afraid to die)

That’s quite familiar, right? Hmmm? Now proceed.

Now there is actually a theory that talks about grief. It is a psychological construct that has been proposed to explain why people react the way they react when posed with an information they can’t accept. It is a theory of Elizabeth Ross. She called it the 5 Stages of Grief.

According to her, whenever people experience a life changing event - either death, divorce, end of relationship - a person experiences grief and to get out of that, one needs to pass through stages. It is personal and does not entail timelines and schedule - which is harder for someone who has a terminal illness.

Now, some of you might ask: Why and how did you correlate both?

Simple. Because Myeol Mang is destruction. And Tak Dongkyung is dying - she has three months to live, to be specific, she has 50 days to live as of the 10th episode. Therefore, we can say that Tak Dongkyung is currently in this five stages that I’m talking about.

The story is all about Tak Dongkyung accepting his faith: which is her inevitable death.

By the way, a bit of a trivia, Doom at Your Service wasn’t the only drama who discussed this theory. If you are familiar with Last Romance, the story centers with the theory as well.

There are five stages of grief as per the theory.

Denial

Denial is the stage where a person still cannot accept the fact that he/she is dying. She may be redirecting her attention elsewhere or she’s just ignoring the fact that she is.

Actually before episode 10, Tak DongKyung is still in the spectrum of denial. She doesn’t accept the fact that she’s dying. Not talking about it is the indication. She prepares to die - writes a bucketlist, clear out whatever is holding her in the world, assures her brother, etc. - but in reality, she doesn’t want to die. She is still in the process of denying the fact that she is dying.

She is basically pushing the idea of Myung Mang to the back of her mind.

That’s why, Myul Mang wants her to speak it out. He wants her to accept it with all her heart; because that’s the only way she could fully love him.

That is also the reason why the Deity told her to LOVE HIM ‘because I created them for you, humans.’

You’re not supposed to hate death and destruction. Because in the end of everything, we are doomed to end anyway. So we got to accept it. We got to love it.

Denial is probably the hardest stage to get over to because you know that there is still a lot you can do before you finally accept it out. That’s probably the reason why she stayed there for the longest time.

Anger

Anger is when you finally considers the idea of dying - but rejects it out. No one wants to die. And if we are faced with the fact, it is only natural to get angry. But to whom?

Tak Dongkyung hated Myul Mang. And she actually makes her point on this fact during the early episodes.

She blames him for everything - for a moment.

She might’ve been thinking: why me? And honestly I don’t blame her. Out of all the 7 billion people, you are chosen to have a hundred days to live. If I was her, I would get angry too.

But a little food for the mind: Tak Dongkyung isn’t really angry at Myul Mang. She just want to blame someone for her misfortunes, for her cancer. I mean, she is still young and has a full life to live, she still has to take care of her brother and marry him off a good woman, then all of a sudden, she got cancer. All those plans ruined just because of a few words. And a cocky guy shows up outside her apartment announcing that he’s doom - etce tera, etce tera. Again, If I was her, I would be angry at Myul Mang myself.

Because anger helps us cope.

Although she’s pass that stage now, she certainly have his fair points when it comes to getting angry at our Doom.

Bargaining

Bargaining is a temporary truce. We want our life back so we tend to do everything to get it back. Even if we have to bargain with a demon or something. Some people goes back to their faith, some people risk all their possessions to their doctors. Bottomline, we want to have a chance. A fighting chance.

The second Tak Dongkyung entered the contract with Myul Mang, she already started bargaining.

She started thinking what could be her wish. Even if she never materialized them, she thought of them. So since we are talking about wishes, here are her possible wishes:

People would forget about her when she die.

Wanting to live

Happy Ending

For Myul Mang not to get hurt when she’s gone.

End of the world.

But isn’t the wish supposed to be directed to self?

No not necessarily. If you’re in the early stages of bargaining, it might be the case. But as you move to the later stages, your perspective changes and your wishes will center more on your loved ones. You will want them not to get sad when you pass; or good health for them; good fortune. And that will eventually lead you to the fourth stage - which is depression. Because you know that your wishes for them could never come true.

Depression

This is the interesting part.

What is depression? It is the feeling of immense hopelessness especially in her case that she is dying. The fact that your short life will not leave a mark and the fact that you won’t be able t see your loved ones again - that sadness - but to the greater length. To the point of you not being able to function properly in the society.

Where did the depression start? It did not even show in the whole series.

Oh no, it did.

This is the reason why this drama is for those people who can understand social cues - therefore, intelligent people. If you haven’t seen it then it’s a good time to rerun the drama on your laptops.

Tak Dongkyung has always been depressed. She wouldn’t wish the end of the world if she is not.

From the death of her parents, from the constant thoughts of being a burden to her aunt, from her missed interviews, from his brother stopping college, from her sexist boss, from her cheating ex, from her cancer. Everything is just depressing.

But why can’t we see it?

Depression is a psychological issue. She might present herself as a happy person but there’s no guarantee that she feels the same inside.

That makes sense.

And do you know what’s the peak of her depression? The moment she knew about her sickness.

The same day she met our handsome Myul Mang.

Acceptance

Acceptance is not necessarily a happy or uplifting stage, for it only means that you are finally in the stage where you have finally made terms with your fate. It is the stage where you’re staring to realize that ‘ah, it’s really here.’

And that, my friends, is the goal of the drama.

Tak Dongkyung who’s always scared, sad, and hated her life must accept it. She must be able to accept her fate and herself. She needs to accept Myul Mang. Her death.

And to be honest, she is making a whole lot of improvement compared to when she was on the previous episodes. She was truthfully falling for Myul Mang and it means that she’s slowly accepting her death.

We can hear her say:

“I’m not scared anymore...”

On the teaser after Episode 10. It can only mean one thing, she is a step closer to acceptance.

Tak Dongkyung’s journey to self-acceptance still is not ending. She still have a few more days.

Technically, she’ll die. But I hope she will not and she will end up with Myul Mang in the end.

With that I would like to make a point: This drama is for philosophical people.

If you cannot understand what is happening, then it’s obvious that you will not be watching it. If you want skinship and lots of cute scenes, then you can watch this - Seo In-guk and Park Bo-young serves us just enough - but you still won’t get it.

You’ll think that it’s going nowhere and eventually drop the drama because all you want is fluff and love story.

I hope it’s not like that.

Just like everyone who shares their thought and theories, breakdowns in here, let us try to read between the lines on what it really wants to tell us.

You will enjoy it, I promise.

#doom at your service #tvn doom at your service #seo in-guk #seo in guk #park bo young #park bo-young #tak dong kyung #tak dong-kyung #myeol mang #kdrama #kdrama conspiracy theories #conspiracy theories #kdrama theories #tvn

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mellometal · 3 years ago

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Is it time to tear ANOTHER Dhar Mann video to shreds? YOU BET.

I've been sitting on this one for a bit because I wanted to make sure I talk about this tactfully. The subject of parents abandoning their disabled children is a very touchy one.

Parents abandoning their disabled children simply for being disabled is way too common. Like, I understand that not everyone has the resources to care for a disabled child (which is why you reach out for help, and why people like me, who work with disabled people, exist), but it doesn't mean you just walk out of their life. There are exceptions, like if you truly didn't want children or something like that, but just flat-out walking out of your kid's life BECAUSE they're disabled is fucked up.

I know someone personally whose biological mother abandoned her when she was born. Why? Because she's disabled. Physically, and mentally, to a point. I work with this woman on a daily basis. I don't really know WHY exactly her biological mother abandoned her, but I do know that her being disabled was part of it. It's sad. It doesn't affect her, thankfully. I'm happy that she's got her biological dad, her brother, and another maternal figure in her life, at least.

ANYWAYS. Before we get to the topic at hand, I need to put an obligatory trigger warning, like I do with EVERY Dhar Mann post:

This post will be talking about parents abandoning their disabled children simply for being disabled, treating disabilities like they're tragedies (in this case, we're talking about autism...again), divorce, and some SPICY ableist bullshit from an allistic (nonautistic) PIECE OF SHIT.

If any of this triggers you or makes you uncomfortable in any way, you don't have to read this post. This isn't worth putting yourself in a bad state mentally. I would never ask for any of you to put yourselves in that position all for a post. Put your mental health and well-being first. Consume media that sparks joy for you.

As far as my response goes, it's definitely more calm than normal. Funny....since this video is about autism spectrum disorder again. (Third time's the charm, huh, Dhar Mann? NOT.)

LET'S FUCKING GET IT.

The video starts off with these two parents (Gwen and Allen) in a psychologist's office. The psychologist tells the parents that their son (Chance) is autistic, and she tries to explain what autism is to the parents, but Allen cuts her off. Why? Because he teaches at a prestigious university, so he AUTOMATICALLY knows what autism is from that fact alone.

Um, excuse me? Just because you're a teacher at a prestigious university, it doesn't mean you're an expert in everything. It doesn't make you an expert in ASD or anything like that. Unless you SPECIALIZE in that area. Even then, shut the fuck up. The people who know about being autistic are AUTISTIC PEOPLE THEMSELVES! SHOCKER.

Hey, Dhar Mann! QUIT WITH THE VIDEOS ABOUT AUTISTIC LITTLE WHITE BOYS AND YOUNG WHITE AUTISTIC CISHET MEN! I'M SICK AND TIRED OF IT. It's annoying, ignorant, and it feels like you're doing this on purpose at this point to piss people off. If you're so uninformed about autism in women and girls, FUCKING ASK AUTISTIC WOMEN AND GIRLS! DO BETTER RESEARCH THAT DOESN'T INVOLVE AUTISM SPEAKS. The Autism Self Advocacy Network (ASAN) and the Autistic Women and Nonbinary People Network (AWN) are great organizations to go to for any kind of research on ASD in women and girls. STOP GOING OFF OF THE BRAINS OF AUTISTIC WHITE BOYS AND AUTISTIC WHITE MEN.

I don't feel I need to go too deep into the fact that autistic women, autistic girls, autistic nonbinary people, autistic BIPOC, autistic AAPI, autistic LGBT people, autistic teenagers, and autistic adults exist. Y'all already know.

Gwen asks the psychologist if that means Chance isn't healthy. (I understand not knowing about autism, but don't treat it like it's a terminal illness. Please.) The psychologist tells her that Chance is fine, but he just learns differently and might need more support compared to his peers.

Yeah, autism can affect how you learn about certain things (limited and repetitive patterns), but there are other disabilities that can affect learning as well. Like how dyslexia can affect your ability to read, dyspraxia can affect your ability to do math, and Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) can affect your ability to focus or on impulse control. Autism affects how your brain is developed, it affects you socially, behaviorally, and how you communicate.

Allen is upset, says that he can't have a son "with a learning disability" (ASD is a neurological disability, not necessarily a learning disability), and treats Chance like he's stupid for being autistic. Gwen tells her husband that autism doesn't make you any less intelligent, WHICH IS SO FUCKING TRUE. ABSOLUTE FACTS. I was totally with her until she began that little monologue with "Just because a person HAS autism". SAY "JUST BECAUSE A PERSON'S AUTISTIC" INSTEAD! IT'S NOT HARD. PERSON FIRST LANGUAGE ISN'T WHAT EVERY DISABLED PERSON PREFERS. Allen says that "they could have another kid" and "put Chance up for adoption". Gwen obviously wasn't down with that. Allen gives his wife an ultimatum that it's either HIM or their son Chance. Gwen says that she can't choose between the two, but she will stand by her autistic son. Allen gets up and leaves the office, saying he wants a divorce.

Years pass by, Gwen is single and taking care of her autistic son Chance, and Allen has a new life with a ✨perfect son✨ (Samuel). He never mentions the son HE abandoned (Chance). He's completely forgotten about Gwen and Chance. (YOU OWE SO MUCH CHILD SUPPORT, ALLEN.)

Hey, Allen, how much do you wanna bet that your ✨perfect son✨ Samuel is autistic too?

There's the SATs, they're announcing a winner, and guess who it is? IT'S OBVIOUSLY CHANCE, OF COURSE. He's got the highest score in the country, with Samuel in second place. Allen is PISSED.

Chance gives a speech about how his mom really helped him, he struggled with autism, how Allen LITERALLY ABANDONED HIM, and THE CROWD GOES FUCKING WILD. Samuel, instead of being a sore loser, APPLAUDS FOR CHANCE. Stay humble, Sam.

My thoughts on the video? If you cannot tell by my tone throughout this post, IT WAS DOG SHIT. This video was insensitive to the true reality of parents abandoning their disabled children just because they're disabled. What do I expect from Dhar Mann at this point?

Here's my response to his video below. Don't worry, I will fully type out my response soon for anyone who cannot read the screenshots easily. It's a lot easier for me to do that on the desktop site than it is for me to do it on my phone.

For anyone who can’t read my response, I’m typing it out for you. Like I said, it’s easier for me to type it out on the desktop site than it is for me to type it out on my phone. It’s a real royal pain in the ass. But because I’m trying to make my posts easier to read for people, I’m doing this anyway. /lighthearted

First, second, and third screenshots (broken up into paragraphs):

Hey, listen, I appreciate the message you’re trying to go for, but can you please stop putting autistic people into a box? Can you stop treating being autistic like it’s a tragedy? Not every single autistic person is a little white boy in elementary school who’s considered “wild and unruly” or “super quiet and makes no friends”, nor are they a young white cishet man who’s a super genius or is how Chris Chan was before she came out as trans. (For anyone who doesn’t know about Chris Chan, there are many documentaries people have made on YouTube, and I highly recommend Geno Samuel’s docuseries, if you’re really interested in learning about Chris Chan.)

Autistic women, girls, nonbinary people, BIPOC, APPI, LGBT people, teenagers, and adults all exist too.

It’s very apparent now that you get your resources from Autism $peaks, a hate group that spends the vast majority of their money on funding eugenics instead of helping autistic people like they claim, claims that only little white boys and young white cishet men are autistic and ignores all other autistic people who don’t fit that description, have no autistic people on their leader board or on any board for that matter, have members who have actually fantasized about k1lling their autistic children, treat autism like it’s a tragedy or a disease someone can catch (completely false), act like autism should be cured (there is no cure, and ABA therapy is a total shit show in itself), and treats autistic people like they’re broken and need to be fixed. Also, not every autistic person is a Super Genius(tm). That’s so demeaning to autistic people who aren’t seen as intelligent in any way. I’m autistic and seen as smart; however, there are subjects I’m stronger in than others.

If you can’t handle the possibility of having autistic children, or just disabled children in general, DON’T HAVE CHILDREN. If you can’t handle working with or alongside disabled people, including autistic people, maybe find a different profession. Even if you do that, you’ll never get away from disabled people. Disabled people aren’t a disease. We’re human beings just like neurotypical and able-bodied people.

Fourth and fifth screenshots (broken up into paragraphs):

I would highly suggest getting resources from reputable organizations for ASD, such as the Autism Self Advocacy Network (ASAN) and the Autistic Women and Nonbinary People Network (AWN). Talk to any autistic person who isn’t a little white boy or a young white cishet man.

Instead of using the puzzle piece, which is a symbol that many autistic people, myself included, are offended by (because of Autism $peaks and other organizations before them using it, plus it symbolizes that only autistic children exist and that we’re “missing a piece” like we’re broken), use the rainbow infinity sign (for all neurodivergent people) or the red and gold infinity sign (just for autistic people). Instead of “lighting it up blue”, light it up red or gold. Do both if you want.

I’m actually really sick and tired of seeing just autistic little white boys and young autistic white cishet men being represented in the media, and y’all manage to fuck that up too.

Before anyone mentions Sia’s movie “Music”, that’s also very poor representation of autistic girls. Besides, the actress who played the autistic girl isn’t even autistic. She MOCKED autistic people. I know she’s a kid, but that’s still super fucked up. I hope she’s able to turn that around.

If anyone would like to discuss this topic with me or ask any questions, feel free to. I’ll answer as best as I can. Thank you and have a good night.

Before I get attacked for mentioning Chris Chan in my response, I bring up Chris Chan because allistic people think that every autistic person is like her (especially before she came out as trans). That person is part of why I wasn't open about being autistic or talking about my diagnosis until this year. I didn't want to be grouped up with Chris Chan because I do have very similar interests to her, I've been seen as cringey for having said interests, and just the way Chris treated autistic people who were formerly diagnosed with A$p3rg3r$ $yndr0m3 (like I was) really made me feel even more alienated.

Also, S1a supports A$ (Autism $p3aks). She's not a very good person to support. Some of her music is good, but her as a person....no. Her movie "Music" was gross, from what I've read about it and seen pictures of.

If you've read this far, thank you so much!

#mello speaks #dhar mann #dhar mann talk #dhar mann will live to regret his decision to make these fucked up cringe videos #dhar mann will live to regret his decision uwu #dhar mann is a piece of human garbage #please stop supporting dhar mann #autism isn't a tragedy #we need better representation for autistic people who aren't little white boys or young white cishet men #dhar mann is a cringe ass nae nae baby #tw abandonment #tw ableism #cw sia mention #cw chris chan mention #tw dhar mann

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despiteherself · 3 years ago

Note

King Julien?

THIS IS SO LONG RIP

King Julien my beloved…….

Also sorry this took me so long omgggg

* favorite thing about them

everything <3

okay, so this comes as no surprise to literally anyone who’s heard me talk about kj but his big heart. i absolutely adore that so much of his story is about how his big heart fumbling around saves the day, even when the story is about his own hubris. Whether it was intentional or not ahkj ended up being a powerful story about a kind-hearted party animal with an inherited legacy of violence and mistreatment heal from his own trauma with the love for his people. yes! it was messy and it is a kids show so it had a lot of continuity issues and like…. toilet humour, but underneath it was so tender. kj’s story of wanting to be king for perks, to feeling like he didn’t deserve to be the one true king but managing to unite the entirety of the kingdoms Madagascar under his love as a symbol was so…….. kj’s big heart saves the day <3

even in the movies, where he is classist and bigheaded he still manages to do it? melman is brave because of kj’s empathy for a talking head, and the circus goes back to the Central Park zoo to help the zoosters bc of kj’s love. his line about “it doesn’t matter what you smell like, or what i smell like, it matters what we smell like together.” is what prompts everyone to forgive the lies.

* least favorite thing about them

nothing he’s perfect <3

I don’t know how to feel about season 5 after exiled. I know it must have been hard trying to tie everything up, going back to the joke based continuity and toilet humour after the emotional sucker punch of exiled. it just. feels like it rehashes old plots but makes them more complex and I think if it hadn’t been after exiled I wouldn’t feel so…. Unsure. kj in this, starts off desperately trying to prove himself as king (again) for good reason, but then seems to lose himself in petty ways he out grow and serious things reveled through jokes get left behind to make more jokes and it just feels…… kj grew into being a good leader and i wish it wasn’t forgotten again. This isn’t rlly about him, more the writing, and the plot problem - episodic vs long form story telling is a hard one, but it’s what I dislike. Let kj have growth bc he was given some and it’s hard to see it’s gone when we know it’s possible.

* favorite line

Oh this is hard :/

I like whenever he does his little pep talks. Or when he says he loves his kingdom. Those are fun & nonsensical and yet, an encapsulation of why he’s such a good ruler. he does understand his people, in a way the juliens before him didn’t, because he was never supposed to be one of them, and left to his own devices with his big sensitive heart made a connection that would outlast even the cruelest of julien kings. julien wants to be loved so badly, and he makes a mess of it, but he holds together the cracks of the lemurs before him, hurt by others the way he was and together they build something worthwhile.

“think of it as me sandwich, stuffed with me.

Pretty good right?” Bc that’s one of the funniest scenes

* brOTP

royal quartet <3

kj and literally everyone. i love him being friends and loving towards just about everyone

* OTP

hmmmmmmmmm

kj x his kingdom as a wholistic statement <3 i think married to his kingdom is what’s most satisfying for me. Kj who makes the specific choice to focus on his kingdom instead of personal goals - and despite loving children so much, making the specific choice to end the julien line (it’s reign of terror) with him. Ahhhhhhhh that would be so satisfying narratively.

also, not to bring this up again but i do think it would be beneficial to both their characters of like kj and ted had a idk passionate summer fling and are now each other’s wingmen post divorce. i say again but i barely think I’ve hinted at it so you know, whatever. i just think their dynamic is SO interesting, and the one scene in exiled where Ted saves everyone is just……. ah, perfect. I wish we got a deeper exploration of Ted & Dorothy, and Ted & his rejection by julien at lemur school & losing prom king & his obsessed with being needed/wanted.

I have no issues with any of the pairings that happened lmao, but obv most of them are exes and i think they’re fun that way. Karen, rob, crimson, karl probably, idk, i guess skipper? i don’t think they date bc skipper is homophobic <3

* nOTP

There’s just way too much family symbolism & literally having clover and Maurice ACTUALLY taking his parents place for me to be anything but squicked by kj/either of them/both of them. no shade to anyone who does, but it just makes me feel :////// I also just love their dynamic as friends, and whilst exploring toxicity in relationships can be interesting, i rlly think that if the three of them became more dependent on each other it would just stunt them all. they do better as a unit in relation to everyone in the kingdom.

I didn’t include mort in the family part even tho he pretends to be kj’s son once but he’s included in that. people who say royal trio over royal quartet break my heart, mort is equally important in this dynamic and also. notp thanks

aslo don’t care for pancho :/ sorry pancho lovers <3 it’s just i don’t think he’s half as important as anyone makes him out to be and i don’t think he and kj rlly have that much chemistry, especially not compared to like his interactions with pretty much every single adult lemur. it’s whatever! ppl have fun with it, i just personally don’t see why you’d pick it over literally any of the other side but main-ish characters. i actually think, if anything, kj is more dismissive towards pancho than a lot of characters, especially considering he’s so flirty. and no amount of the Manchurian candidate can make up for that, especially when it was about family again.

ok now that I’ve alienated like 98% of the ahkj fandom it’s okay it’s not like super notp it’s just i don’t care for it <3

* random headcanon

kj starts watching todd’s unboxing videos one day when he’s relaxing, after he’s calmed down about the captain booty butt toy being stolen, like 3am channel surfing and like gets rlly into the concept bc like surprise toys out of box is peak adhd excitement. he wants to start his own channel and in his excitement gets everyone to watch his stuff which doesn’t have the care or knowledge (bc the excitement for kj is the surprise - can relate) that Todd’s has and Todd’s show gets canceled. he’s obv pretty sad bc that was Todd’s only hobby outside of doing what his mum makes him do & he gets rlly upset. eventually, somehow, kj stumbles upon Todd being sad and they have a convo and kj realises that he stole Todd’s hobby & that actually, the hovering, full attention of Tammy is suffocating and not something kj should long for. I rlly want Todd & kj to have an end to their “rivalry”. They make up, kj retires his unboxing channel and promos Todd’s, Todd gets to hang out in the plane as a friend to get away from his family for a while, kj learns the value of space.

* unpopular opinion

again… are there unpopular kj opinions???

i just think he should have had the proper number of rings on his tail. when i look at it I’m like, sir please give him the correct number it hurts me to see like 7 of each colour and i think it ends in a white tip which >:/ which is a silly thing to find annoying

#anonymous #ask #ask meme #long post #king Julien #dot post #ahkj #ohhhh myyyy goddd. me posting this scared like #wowwwwwwww those ships I dislike i so popular in fandom djekosjdkdkslmdofkf guys lads no shade

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whump-town · 4 years ago

Text

Quantico Hope

Based on the text post created by @criminalmindsgonewrong so lots of praise goes to her (if not for the idea than because she’s a queen and I love her content). All of my medical scenes came from E.R, Grey’s Anatomy, or Chicago Hope so don’t come for me. Hotchniss is the main ship, warning for language

Emily Prentiss wakes up in a stranger’s bed. The comforter is thick, soft but the pattern is something only a bachelor would choose. It’s a flannel pattern, blue flannel. Knowing that no woman would willingly buy it is a small comfort. She’d never done it on purpose but she can still think of more than one occasion in which a one night stand came to a crashing halt as a spouse made their existence known. She had been chased from quite a few apartments half-dressed.

Topless, she wraps the sheets around her breast as she sits up. Her John is laying on his side and she has to lean close to see his face. She peaks over his shoulder but her quick movement catches nothing but thick brown hair and a five o’clock shadow. It does nothing to spur her memory so she places a hand on his hip to stabilize herself as she leans over him.

“Fuck,” she grunts, pushing herself back away from him.

On her back, hand slapped on her forehead she breathes out a shaky sigh. “No, no, no,” she rolls off the bed. Blindly scooping up her things on the floor. Waking up in a stranger’s bed can be disorienting but waking up in a bed that is unfamiliar with your best friend sleeping right beside you- so, so much worse. This is all Jennifer Jareau’s fault. Her and her stupid sentiments about how one more drink can’t possibly hurt.

She hears a groggy groan from the bed and she winces as she draws her arms to her chest. It’s instinct to squint her eyes, her subconscious encouraging the childish idea that if she can’t see him he can’t see her. As still as she can, frozen in her spot she waits for him to move.

She is beyond relief when he sighs and settles back down.

This time, she tiptoes, now far more conscious of the noise she’s making. Her eyes sweep the floor, searching for her lost bra. She’s missing a sock too but she can leave a sock here and not think twice about it but a bra?

Last night is mostly a blur. She has a faint memory of his hand cupping her bare breast.

“Hotch,” she breathes against his neck. She’s working his belt off, letting him attack her neck. “Jesus,” his pants fall to the floor, weighed down by his useless belt. Her mouth opens to make a comment about how hard he is but the rough pads of his fingers cup her breast and she arches into the touch.

“Are you sure?” He whispers. “I don’t want you to-”

Both of her hands wrap around his neck, pulling him into a kiss. “Trust me,” she says, breathlessly. “I want this.” She’s wanted it for as long as she’s known him but he was married. So, she stuck to being his friend. His sounding board. “God,” she’s standing in his room, his rough hands pulling her panties to the side to work a finger inside her.

He pushes her onto the bed, laughing that silly laugh that makes her chest ache, and for the first time in her life, she’s able to kiss him. She shares his goofy joy and she can feel him smiling as he kisses her tenderly. It occurs to her that their quick drunk fuck isn’t going to be so simple. His eyes are sober and his actions are soft.

His lips start to wander and her stomach flutters as he kisses her hip bones. He looks up at her suggestively, his hands spreading her thighs. He kisses the inside of her thigh, smiling as she can’t control the way they shake.

“Aaron!”

Emily shudders as she’s pulled from the memory, heart pounding as he groans from beneath the mound of comforter he’s curled under.

The sheets rustle and Emily turns from the door to watch Hotch bolt upright in the bed. He’s on his feet in a flash, stumbling to the bathroom. He’s not of the state of mind to shut the door behind him so she hears as he gags and vomits into the toilet.

She closes her eyes and curses him. She can’t leave him alone and if the clock on his nightstand is right, she’s got three hours before she’s due for rounds anyway. Which means, she’s just an awful friend to leave him like this.

“That was gross,” she leans against the bathroom door frame. “You got a little-” she pats the side of her lip. She’s grinning ear-to-ear at his expense. He may be her best friend but it’s still far and in-between when she gets to see him so human. Without the white coat and stoic frown, he can be himself. He can be the stressed-out single father, going through a tough divorce, who spends nearly all of his waking hours depriving himself of comfort.

He drops his forehead against the cool toilet lid and groans. Wrapping a hand around his stomach, he curls his long legs beneath him. “Why are you being mean to me?” He rubs at his mouth, disgusted when his fingers find a bit of vomit on his lip. It makes his stomach roll with a vengeance that makes his head pound mercilessly. He ends up, gagging miserably again, nothing coming up.

“Alright,” Emily steps in, rubbing at his back. She stands beside him, rubbing his back until he pulls his head up. “Let’s get back to bed,” she hooks her arm under his. It takes a moment, he doesn’t want to let her help him. She doesn’t relent and he caves, allowing her to ease him to his feet.

She’s pretty tall for a woman but getting him to his feet is nothing short of a small feat. "Jesus, " she grunts. He stumbles, leaning heavily on her. Everyone had noticed the weight he dropped after Haley filed for divorce. She can barely keep him on his feet now, she'd hate to have had to do it three months ago. "You're heavy!"

Hotch stops, glaring down at her. It’s a mystery to her how he can look exhausted, nauseated, and angry at the same time. He puffs like an angry little fish, strangely cute. “Are you saying I’m fat?” He makes a failed attempt to stand up straighter, making a soft grunting noise as his stomach revolts against the idea.

Emily rolls her eyes, drama queen. “No,” she pushes him onto the bed. “You’re just a giant.” He bounces as he sits, frown set right in place. “Aaron,” she puts her hand on her hips and frowns right back at him. “Just take a nap, nurse your hangover, and remember to be in at ten when your shift starts.” She pats his shoulder and plants a kiss on his forehead. “I’ll bring you a coffee, huh?”

He yawns, grimacing as his head and stomach both protest. Sleepily, he rubs at his eyes, laying back on his bed. “I gotta…” he yawns mid-sentence. “Going to a parent-teacher meeting.”

She tries very hard not to look completely devastated. “Oh,” so no coffee. “Okay, I’ll see you after that then.”

He nods, “and I’ll bring the coffee.”

__________

Last Friday when Aaron had cornered Dave and asked him to cover some basic stuff for him, Dave imagined he’d be doing some rounds, picking up after an intern, or fussing with an attending. He hadn’t expected a very specific, in-depth list of things for him to do:

8 a.m. take Reid to check-in on patients (keep communication at a minimal)

8: 30 a.m. bust Savannah Hayes (the nurse from the Emergency Room) and Derek Morgan in the second-floor on-call room

8:45 a.m. bring Garcia a non-fat almond milk vanilla lattee--

The man has stones… and that wasn’t even half the list. There are annotations, they came color-coded with sticky notes on additional pointers. Thumbing through the several pages worth of notes and instructions, Rossi shakes his head. Of course, he knows his old prodigy is a busy man. As much as he would like to think he’s what keeps this hospital on its feet… Aaron has a lot to do with it, too.

He’s got a knack for running into trouble just as it’s happening and juggling fixing the problem with making sure it never happens again. Which, in this hospital,-- a cesspool of one night stands, rule-bending, and overbearing masculinity-- makes him a very valuable member for the good side. Good meaning one of the few members of staff without his hands in another staff member's pants.

The problem is, Dave’s hardly got the time to comply with the whole list of nonsense demands Aaron wants him running about doing. He loves Aaron dearly, the boy is like his son but he’s a bit anal-retentive and Dave just… well, he doesn’t want to do all of this stuff. The hospital isn’t going to fall apart if he doesn’t meet every single thing on this list.

Well… hypothetically, right?

“Where’s Hotch?”

Rossi steps out of his office and finds Reid standing on the other side, weirdly close. “Woah,” he takes a step back when the genius doesn’t. He shakes his head, folding the list in his hand in half before regarding the doctor in his doorway. “Reid,” he acknowledges, stepping around the genius, and shutting his office door behind him. “I believe we’ve got rounds to attend to, correct?”

Brainbox is what a few members of staff have taken to calling the young genius. Hotch had made a point to talk to the other leading heads in departments to make sure they weren’t calling Reid that and for the most part, that had slowed down the spreading of the nickname. Dave understands why Hotch got ahead of that problem but on the same hand, it’s kind of fitting.

Reid nods, looking around Rossi and into his dark office. “Yeah but Hotch always takes me.” Technically, taking Reid on rounds is supposed to be Dave’s job. Hotch just made time for it. If Hotch times everything just right, he can get Reid on the second floor near the on-call room to bust Derek and Savannah with enough time to get Garcia her coffee and have time to swing by the cardiac wing and say hi to Emily.

Speaking of--

“What are you two doing down here?” Emily and JJ are standing where Dave is supposed to be, a smooth-talking Derek and meek looking Savannah standing between the pairs. Which means that the pair busted the couple before Dave could. It burns Dave. That skinny little runt. That bastard. Hotch has Emily on the same hunt as him because Hotch doesn't think Dave would do the list.

He’s right but… still, it kinda hurts.

Emily isn’t wearing her signature smirk. For once, she’s got a one-up on him and she’s not biting. Something’s got her down. She offers a simple tight-lipped nod. “Hotch has me trailing you,” she informs him and Rossi understands exactly what it is that’s bothering her or better yet who. “He just doesn’t want the hospital burning down.”

So much for Dave’s earlier sentiment of Hotch keeping his hands to himself. Now, what’s he to do? He’s pissed that Aaron has hurt Emily but they’re both like his kids. What he needs to do is strangle for being stupid. Aaron for never outright telling anyone how he feels and Emily for letting men hurt her.

God, they just… The little idiots get under his skin like nobody else.

“He’s a tight-ass,” Rossi mumbles, shaking his head. And a dumbass if he’s right about Emily. He puffs, “this place isn’t going to fall apart just because he misses a few hours.” Dave has been doing this for a long time. He didn’t get Chief of Surgery dicking around… well, he did a little bit but that’s not the point being made.

Emily smiles, even if it looks a little forced. “Tell him that,” she offers with an eye roll. “I’m just not going to waste my energy with that argument.” Arguing with Hotch is a very taxing and pointless excursion. Especially, if the subject at hand goes against his paranoias and anxieties. So, in other words, the idea that the hospital won’t burn down without him.

Rossi can feel the mood shift and Derek must too because he kisses Savannah's cheek and excuses himself. “I’ve got my own rounds to attend to,” he admits. “Pretty boy,” he calls Reid to him. “Care to join me?” Morgan can handle a little responsibility. He won’t let Reid’s work slack on account of him.

Reid looks between Dave and Prentiss, unsure if he’s allowed to agree with Derek. Ultimately, he sees no qualms being raised by either of them so he nods and his head. He tucks his hands in his pocket and stands by Morgan’s side. Waiting for the plastic surgeon to leave.

“I’ll catch you later,” Derek says with a wave of his hand. Fully intending to make good on that promise at lunchtime where he’ll attempt to tear down Emily’s walls to get her to talk about whatever is bothering her right now. With any luck, it’ll be something juicy.

Rossi turns and watches the pair walk away, wondering how many more chores he’s been left to do. “I should probably--” he lets his voice wander off as he pulls the list from his pocket. He motions to with an air of defeat, rolling his eyes good-naturedly. “Can I trust you two to behave?”

JJ smiles, “I think we both know that the only pair you should be worried about just walked off to do rounds.” Her smile broadens as she considers all the mischief Reid and Morgan can get into. “However, if I were you, I’d go investigate what they’re really off doing because I’ve never known Morgan to do his work on time and not last minute.”

Dave is obviously not buying her diversion but she’s planted the seeds of fear in his mind. Unable to think of anything aside from whatever Morgan and Reid are out ruining, he lets them go. Besides, he’s certain he’ll figure it out sooner rather than later anyhow.

As soon as Dave turns the corner, JJ turns back to Emily.

“So,” the blonde inquires knowing they’re both working on a tight schedule. “You and Hotch?”

Emily nods. She doesn’t regret it. That’s what she’s learned from her morning full of nothing but introspection. She wishes she regretted it because then she’d be able to tell JJ that she's not madly in love with him. “We were drunk,” she tells her because somehow that makes it okay. But then she remembers how he kept asking if she was okay.

It’s the bare minimum but… no one’s ever actually done that before.

“I’m surprised he could,” JJ admits. “He had a lot to drink.” They’d been celebrating… something. Reid and Garcia were celebrating, actually. The rest of them were just drinking away another miserable day at this hospital.

Emily nods her agreement. It’s unusual for Hotch to drink let alone get drunk enough to have sex with her. “He was very sweet,” she admits.

JJ smirks… What else was she expecting? Hotch can be an asshole but the majority of the time he really is a gentleman. Unless you incur his wrath and if you do… well, that’s your business. He’s a bit of a hothead but it does take a lot to get him worked into yelling.

Besides, Hotch is nothing but a sweetheart to Emily. They can act as blind as ⅔ of the three blind mice but that doesn’t change the heart eyes they exchange. It still leaves a lot to be desired on a lot of their exchanges, though. The way he reaches over and, without prompting, opens boxes or bags for her. The way Emily creeps into his personal space and he doesn’t comment or even step back.

“I don’t think it’ll work out, though.” Emily takes a long sip from her coffee, eyes thoughtfully trailing off. Actually, she’s not sure it won’t work but she’s about thirty percent sure he doesn’t love her and she needs someone to tell her that she’s not making it up.

JJ scoffs at that.

Emily stops walking, eyeing her friend up. “What?” Of course, she wants to know exactly what’s warranted that reaction.

JJ rolls her eyes, “Emily, I have watched you two make some of the most disgustingly adorable faces at each other for the better part of the last year. I’ve seen Haley watch your every move.” JJ picks her pace up, leaving Emily in her momentary frozen state. “He’s hopelessly in love with you Emily and if you don’t feel that way back then you’re lying to yourself and to him.” JJ turns around, walking backward so that her words are met with Emily’s full attention. “And you both deserve better than that.”

__________

Penelope Garcia is certain that someone is leaving her out of the loop.

For starters, Derek and Spencer are giggling in one of her observation rooms. Meaning that they’re not being watched… as they should be.

Emily and JJ brought her coffee this morning.

Dave has been MIA, besides coming down here half an hour ago to ask where Morgan and Reid had “fucked off to”. She would have happily informed him of the shenanigans, no doubt, happening in her emergency room, but Morgan had gotten to her first. Who is she to say no to her Chocolate Thunder so of course, she told Dave she hadn’t seen him yet this morning.

“MVA with three vics incoming!”

Garcia sighs, standing up from behind her desk. She looks over the doctors and staff floating through the emergency room. “Charlotte,” she calls the baby nurse over. Baby being the term she’s using because Charlotte is all of about twenty-three. She finds it adorable. “Honey, do you know where Hotch is?”

Another nurse, Savannah Hayes, steps up to the station. “Uhm, he’s on call.” There’s something about her knowing smile that tells Garcia exactly why Savannah knows that: Derek Morgan. “Off to a-a…” she snaps her fingers as she tries to recall what Morgan was telling her earlier that morning. “Parent-teacher meeting,” she recalls. “He’ll be back later though.”

Garcia frowns, making a mental note to ask about the meeting later. She’s about to ask how Morgan is since she hadn’t seen him that morning when the emergency room’s doors open and the EMTs run-in with the first victim.

“Forty-year-old car crash victim, head-on collision.” The EMTs come in running, shouting out information to whoever will listen. “Pressure is 50 over palp, his respirations were shallow in the field.” The stretcher is relinquished to the closest E.R. doctor. “Pupil dilation was equal and reactive at sight. ”

Garcia pulls herself together, clearing her throat as she steps up to the stretcher. “I want--” the order dies on her lips. The man on the stretcher is pale, paler than normal. His black hair plastered to his scalp, not in it’s usual combed but contained mess. His brow isn’t furrowed and he’s not looming and glooming but she’d know him anywhere.

Her brain blanks. Training and training and protocol and protocol but… It’s not very often she gets a friend in here. “Uhm,” she can feel the emotions taking over where she should be calm. Hotch needs her to be calm. “I need you to take him to--” her mind blanks but her pointing finger guides the seasoned EMT well and the two separate with a business-like nod.

“I need someone to--” Garcia turns and Charlotte is right there. “I need you to call the Chief down here and-and Derek and everyone!” She doesn’t look back or check to make sure she’s understood, she follows Hotch into the next room. There are ethics and protocol and so many things running through her head as she grabs her boss’s hand but there’s not a chance in hell anyone’s pulling her away.

Once in the room, she sets about doing her job. Looking up only as the curtain is thrown back and she finds David Rossi looking back at her.

“It’s Hotch.”

Garcia cuts through his shirt, the thin Hanes material giving like butter with her scissors. Tears sting her eyes, “oh, my liege.” She looks up and Derek and Spencer are right behind Dave, everyone filing in. It takes them a moment, just as it did her before they throw themselves into their jobs.

Rossi pulls the cut shirt away, shaking his head. “Chest movements are paradoxical,” he informs them, moving his hands to palpate Hotch’s abdomen. “Abdomen is rigid, too.” He places the stethoscope on Hotch’s diaphragm, sighing. “I need to place a chest tube, get me a cart.” He throws the stethoscope cord back around his neck, stepping to the side.

Out of the corner of her eye, Garcia sees Rossi going for the tools he needs for a chest tube. She doesn’t want to say they don’t have time for that but… “Pulse ox is 82,” Garcia informs them. “It was just 88.” Her hands are trembling as she moves around them, a flurry of movement all of them trying to do their jobs. “Oxygen is dropping.”

Morgan curses, “I need to intubate him.” The utensils are already gathered in his hands-- muscle memory to reach out for the tools that are cold and familiar in his palms. “Do you want to be the one to tell him he’s got heart damage or worse because we let his oxygen drop to below 80?”

Reid, standing by Hotch’s head, interlaces his fingers and shakes his head. His anxiety is sky high, it’s all too much. “Can’t,” he mumbles, shaking his hands out. “If a patient with pneumothorax or other indication for tube thoracostomy requires intubation and mechanical ventilation, the chest tube should be inserted first to avoid creating an iatrogenic tension pneumothorax.” He presses his palms into his temples. All the noise, everyone shouting is overstimulating him.

It’s why he doesn’t work in the emergency room.

“I just need a second, dammit!” Rossi’s hands are shaking, “let me get the chest tube in!” The scalpel in his hand trembles over Hotch’s skin. He’s pale from adrenaline and clammy to the touch. The emergency room feels different without Hotch looming over them. He’s not shouting out orders into the chaos or guiding anyone through procedures with his scarily calm voice.

“Dave? Come on, man!”

Rossi shakes his head, clearing his dismal thoughts. He clenches his jaw and makes the incision into the fourth intercostal space. “Clamp,” the cold metal is pressed into his palm and he places it inside the area. “Dissecting the pleural space,” he mumbles, working the clamp under Hotch’s skin so that the area can accept the tube.

Hotch’s body jerks away from Rossi, a soft grunt coming from his mouth. Reid steps back to his head, clicking his penlight on. “Right pupil is five millimeters and reactive,” Reid hovers by his friend’s head. He guides the light to Hotch’s left eye, yelping when the man jerks his head away from the light. “Hotch?” His eyes blink open, his head turning from the penlight. “He-He’s conscious!”

Rossi stands up from his spot, pulling his bloodied gloves off. He moves to Hotch’s head, “Aaron? Aaron, can you hear me?” He presses his warm hand to Hotch’s cheek, guiding Hotch’s attention to him. “Can you hear me, son?”

Hotch’s eyes are jerking around the room, his mouth open but silent as he writhes in pain. He can’t breathe. His chest is heavy but he’s only thinking about one thing: Jack. The strangled sound that leaves his mouth is inhuman, he doesn’t recognize it. The pain becomes excruciating.

“Sedate--” all too familiar with that word, Hotch turns his head towards Derek. The other man is red in the face, his anxiety bubbling into rage. Profanities litter his speech but Hotch’s mind is too exhausted to nitpick out the words. For now, the only one worth thinking about is sedate.

He pulls away from the bed, a burst of energy leaving him trembling but upright in the stretcher. “N-No!” Jack. Jack was in the back seat. He couldn’t reach Jack. He has to get to-- Something cold runs into his arm and looks down, body suspended by his friends and coworkers, and it’s Reid. In his hands is the syringe Garcia had gotten out. Hotch feels his chest tighten-- he feels betrayed.

“Easy, son.”

Hotch feels himself falling back but he doesn’t hit the hard surface of the gurney beneath him but rather hands. Gently, he’s guided back down. Sweat sleeks his hair to his face and he’s limp in the hands as Derek steps towards his head. They’re talking-- words he understands but…

Derek cranes his neck back, Hotch can see his lips moving, but he’s not taking in any of the words. He knows they’re asking him to do a simple task: blink on command to questions or offer a thumbs up. His inability to do these tasks, to even focus on anything other than the cold air on his exposed flesh is the reason they keep moving around him. Shouting as if he isn’t really there at all.

A thumb presses on his chin, forcing his jaw open. He grimaces as cold metal slides into his throat. Floating between conscious and unconsciousness, he gags and feels himself twist to get away from the tube pressing into the back of his throat.

“Easy--” someone comforts as hands press his shoulders down.

Air fills his lungs, it hurts-- every muscle, bone, tendon, everything hurts. He can breathe though, full lungfuls of air. Out of the corner of his eye, he can see the ambu bag, bright blue, and in Reid’s hands. They make eye contact and Hotch watches as Reid syncs their breathing. The young genius’s shoulders rise as Hotch’s lungs fill and fall as he exhales.

There was once a time when Hotch had stood by Reid’s side, his hands covering Reid’s over the ambu bag. He’d always been able to be more patient with Reid than he was with many other students. Reid’s just a kid. So he made a point to remember that in every interaction he had with the genius.

And he’d grown to appreciate Reid’s unique sense of humor. He’s a good guy.

A good kid.

“Hotch?” Reid’s throat tightens as he watches a pained grimace come across his boss’ face. He’s uncomfortable and in pain but Reid can’t do much besides keeping the ambu bag moving at a steady pace. “Garcia?” He feels a flutter of anxiety knotting his heart up. “Can’t you do something? He’s in pain.”

Morgan interrupts whatever Garcia’s going to say with a shout, “just pulled a positive tap!” A second later, the metal starts hitting the table with a clatter. The wheels of the stretcher unlock, the guard rail going up. “He’s got blood in his abdomen, he needs to get into the OR, now!”

Dave takes a stumbling step back, his arms raised above his head. It’s muscle memory to pull them away from the field-- the field, of course, being his friend's bleeding body. His heart sinks to his feet but follows in the direction that Derek is pushing Hotch. His voice barking out orders that echo down the hall.

Dave watches them go.

“Sir,” an attending waves him down. “Hotchner’s wife is gonna need heart surgery.”

Dave’s got another job to attend to.

He has Savannah call Emily to the OR. He meets his team in the room. They’re working with silence. “If you can’t pull yourself together,” his voice is harsh because they’re past life and death. “Get out of my OR.” He looks around the crowd of faces, nurses and doctors he’s known for years. There’s a solemn understanding.

They wait on edge.

“Prentiss won’t know,” Dave tells the team. His eyes move to the woman on the table and without a word, he draws back the blue cloth over her eyes. The room stands in silent shock. All of them recognize her.

Haley Hotchner.

They’ve seen the evolution of the divorce. The way Aaron came into the hospital fresh-faced and new. Haley used to bring him lunch and Dave used to catch them in the on-call room. They’d gotten pregnant, had their ultrasound a floor down from where Haley now lays. Had their boy, Jack, and fallen into a pit.

Haley stopped kissing him between visits to the hospital.

She stopped visiting altogether.

Then Emily had come.

“Prentiss can’t know.”

She won’t know.

Emily Prentiss has mastered the art of chugging hot coffee and running, which is what she’s currently doing. Emergency heart surgery, she’s thrilled. Even more so when she steps into the room and things are already in motion.

“Dave,” she greets the older man as she steps into the operating room. Her hands are raised, waiting for a nurse to place gloves over her hands. “What’re you doing in here?”

It takes every ounce of his self-control to keep his voice steady. He clears his throat, “thought I’d watch the master at work.” Sure, Dave, win her over with flattery. Maybe then she won’t hate you for lying. “That alright with you?”

Emily shrugs, “I don’t mind dazzling you.” Gloves snapped into place, she adds, “but I do prefer Heart Goddess. You know, for future reference.” She turns to Savannah, who she recognizes behind her mask. “What do we have?”

Savannah glances at Dave. For a moment, Dave’s certain the cat’s about to be out of the bag but before he can fill the silence, Savannah clears her throat. “Thirty-five-year-old female with a suspected arterial wall collapse.”

Emily frowns as she walks past the patient, eyes scanning over the ultrasound that’s pulled up. “Suspected?” she repeats. She doesn’t like the sound of suspected but she’s not complaining. It could certainly be worse. She shrugs it away. “I’m gonna time myself,” she announces. “Have you started her on L.R.s?”

“Two liters L.R. and a unit of packed cells.”

Emily nods her head and moves back to the patient. “Alright, sounds good to me.” She extends her right hand, “ten blade.”

They all watch in baited silence as she sets to work.

“It’s a goddamn…” the frustration in her voice is clear. Her brows furrow and she falls silent.

Dave tries to keep himself calm but taking a deep breath doesn’t settle his nerves. He leans over the operating table, sucking his bottom lip between his teeth as he watches. “How’s it going,” he asks. He’s a damn good surgeon himself but it’s been a long time since he was running a heart surgery like this one. His specialty runs more towards general.

Emily shakes her head. When the monitors sound in alarm she doesn’t look up to see what it is, the curse she lets out says she already knows exactly what’s wrong. “Her…” Emily pauses as she works. “The inferior vena cava is completely collapsed. I don’t know how she’s--” Both of their heads snap up as the heart monitor sounds out in alarm.

Emily pulls her hands up, shaking her head as she works. “I can’t do anything,” she tells Dave. “Everything’s a mess. She’s bleed dry and I’ve maxed out the dopamine ....” Emily blows out her breath, letting herself think. “Let me try…” she leans back over Haley.

Whatever she’s doing, causes the monitors to get louder. “Dammit!” Emily keeps working, asking for different tools as fast as the nurses can hand them to her.

The monitor flatlines.

Emily pulls her hands out and she looks over at Dave. “There’s nothing I can do,” she admits. “The heart was shredded.”

Dave refuses to believe this. “No,” he tells her. “There has to be something.” His attention snaps up as Derek steps into the room adjacent to the operating room. He’s come for news but Dave can see his eyes travel to the monitor. His shoulders sag and his mouth opens in disbelief.

Dave looks to the ground, “go talk to Derek.”

Emily frowns at him, “what is your problem?”

He doesn’t mean to. It’s nothing against her. None of this is her fault. He stood right here. He saw. She did her best but sometimes there’s nothing you can do. “Go, Emily!”

Sulking away, looking more like a pissed-off teenager than an award-winning surgeon, Emily pulls her gloves off angrily. Making a point to throw them away where Dave can visibly see how hard she throws the limp latex. She shoves her way through the door and shakes her head at Derek. “What the hell is his problem?”

Dave watches through the window.

Derek starts talking, his hands gathering near his chest as he gestures and tries to work around telling Emily the truth.

Emily takes a step back, shaking her head. She argues with him, disbelief. No. Then her head turns to Dave and to the woman laying on the table. To the sandy blonde hair she just barely recognizes until Dave reaches down and moves the blanket draped over Haley’s face.

Dave can hear her muffled shout. Her voice grows frantic and angry as she accepts Derek pulling her to his chest but her fist hitting him. Fighting with everything she’s got for this not to be true.

For Haley to be alive.

Dave begins the slow process of pulling his own garments off. Someone’s going to have to tell Aaron.

He assumes that job is going to be left for him as well.

__________

It takes Dave a minute to find JJ. She’s lost in a sea of children, crouching so that she’s level with them as she speaks. Judging by the bandanna wrapped around her forehead, she’s got them into some game. Which explains how she’s oblivious to the news he’s carrying.

“Hey, kiddos.” He tries and fails to appreciate the youthful hope written across the snotty faces beaming at him. “I’m gonna need to steal Miss JJ for a moment, okay?”

JJ looks up and tells him to wait a moment, before she manages to wiggle out of the grasp of a rather small snot nosed child. Still, she gives the kid a pat on the head before stepping to the side with Dave.

“Aaron was in a car accident--” he tells her everything. That he lied to Emily and that Haley is dead. She takes it in stride. Nodding and inquiring about the surgeries. About Hotch’s outcome.

“But you think he’s going to be okay?” she asks.

Dave hesitates before agreeing. “His intracranial pressure is being closely monitored but… they all worked to the best of their abilities and--”

JJ nods, right. They’ve got great surgeons under this roof. Hotch would be safer no place else.

“I need to ask you a favor, though.” He rubs at the back of his neck, sheepishly recalling his short-circuited shout at Emily.

JJ already knows, “I’ll take care of her.” She steps to the side, attempting to make good on her promise.

“She’s with--”

“Aaron,” JJ finishes. “I know.” Because where else would she go? When Emily seeks comfort, she goes one to two places. To JJ or Hotch and considering Emily hasn’t been on the ward, the children love her so she’d know she must be with him.

It doesn’t take long for her to find Hotch's room. JJ steps in, feeling her light bubble pop under the pressure of the blood not completely wiped from Hotch’s face. The additional loom and gloom do not help. “How’s he doing?” The room is devoid of all things light and cheerful. Sucked through the dark whole of her friends’ current moods.

His vitals are good. A steady resting heart rate of seventy-two. He’s alive and that’s more than they can say for other victims of the crash.

“He won’t wake up.” Emily stands up from his side. Uncurling her long legs from underneath her as she stretches out. Muscles ache and joints pop as she moves for the first time in several hours. She doesn’t look at him for too long, it makes her chest tight and her throat hurt to see him like this.

She prefers the medicine of everything.

She can understand pulmonary edemas, kidney failures, pneumothorax, and flail chest but… The comparison is medicine makes sense. Show her a blocked artery and she’ll work around it. Bypass isn’t an option? No problem. The surgery is over. Vitals are steady. There aren’t chest to crack or hearts to massage. All she can do is sit back and take watch.

Her best friends sitting in a hospital bed hooked up to machines and she can do nothing.

“Of course, he isn’t,” JJ grumbles, walking over to the light switch and turning on the lights. Bathed in the dark room, windows shut to cut out all natural light, and surrounded by artificial sound it’s no wonder he’s not waking up. They haven’t given him a reason to. “Emily, you’ve shut out all the natural light. Half of recovery is atmosphere and, if I were Hotch, I’d feel like everyone had given up on me.”

JJ pulls open the blinds, the bright light making Emily recoil. The room, though, brightens, and JJ can feel the warmth in her chest. It occurs to her that maybe Hotch isn’t the only one who needs some looking after. While they can rest assured that Derek, Penelope, Dave, and Spence will cycle through the room periodically. Each of them checking sutures, drain tubes, and reflex responses.

No one’s checking on eachother.

“Em,” JJ places a hand on her friend’s shoulder. Emily’s shoulders feel rock hard under her palm. “When was the last time you showered or ate?”

Emily’s too tired to even think of numbers. Instead she leans into JJ, allowing her head to rest against the space between the blondes neck and shoulder. She’s fighting tears before JJ even hugs her back. “Are you sure you don’t want to run away with me?” she asks. “We can run away right now and do gay crimes and leave all the men in our lives right here.”

JJ cups the back of Emily’s head, rubbing her back as she considers the offer Emily has been making a lot here lately. After a moment, JJ decides that she loves her best friend with all her heart and that gay crimes sound thrilling but she can’t. Besides the fact that she knows how good Emily is at sex and the gay crimes would be very gay and very nice… Neither really want to leave. “I think we’d better stay here, love.” She kisses Emily’s temple, “besides, I can’t leave in good conscience while Hotch is like this.”

Emily pulls away from JJ, moving her body so that she can lean into the smaller woman. She’s accepted with open arms and they stand leaning and silent as they watch Hotch breath.

It’s artificial and that comes with it’s own sort of sting but it’s still him.

“I killed his wife,” Emily whispers after a long moment between the ventilators hissing.

JJ knows. Dave had come to tell her the minute Haley’s heart stopped the first time on the table.

“She’s not going to be able to save her,” he’d whispered, hushed and frantic. “It’s going to crush her.”

Now, as JJ feels Emily sobbing silently beside her, she wonders how Dave knew. Emily’s never taken losing well. She’s heavily competitive. So, maybe this is the worst kind. Emily didn’t just fail… she let her best friend’s wife die.

“Ex-wife,” JJ corrects. Because that’s what Hotch and Halery were. Separated. Anybody with two eyes could see they still loved each other but the job always came first for Hotch. Haley… she wanted more. “She was his ex-wife.” Besides that, the distinction is important.

Emily knows it doesn’t matter. “I still killed her,” she replies. “He’s never going to forgive me.”

JJ looks at the man on the bed. There’s nothing she wants more than to reassure Emily that’s not true. She’s seen the way Hotch looks at her when no one else is watching. But she can’t really know. “Let’s go clean up,” she deflects. “You’ll feel better.”

God, Emily hopes she’s right.

__________

“We’re having a party.” Penelope Garcia is standing in front of her family, sans Hotch, with her hands on her hips and enough conviction in her tone to convince them that’s a solid plan. “JJ’s right,” she informs them. They had lunch together like they do every day. It may be normal to have one or two of them missing-- general surgery logs Hotch random hours and heart and brain surgery tend to run on the long side-- this is the first time any of their own have been on the table.

The first time Reid wasn’t at the table because his hands were meticulously placing holes in Hotch’s head.

“This place is way too gloomy,” and she’s right of course. Even with the light funneling into the room from the blinds JJ pulled up, Hotch is still surrounded by their dismal moods. “We’re having a party.”

After a long moment, each of them rolling this idea around Dave speaks. He’s not against the idea but he’s not exactly going to give it the go-ahead, not yet. “Aaron would hate the attention,” he deduces because that’s the truth. Hotch wouldn’t even talk to them about the divorce.

The papers for which were delivered in the middle of the workday. JJ had been the one to go get Hotch. He was in the middle of a surgery… one that someone else had to finish.

“He won’t even know,” Garcia informs them. “Reid’s keeping him in the induced coma for another night.”

This is, of course, news to the rest of the room. Reid had gotten out of the surgery and gone to collapse in bed. Exhausted. Emotionally and physically.

Emily speaks up for the first time since the meeting had been called. “He could--” she realizes how helplessly hopeful she is as soon as the words start to come out. “He could still wake up.”

He could. Reid had decreased his dosage a little post-operation before he’d gone home but before Reid could even leave the hospital Hotch’s intracranial pressure had increased.

“He could,” Garcia agrees. “That’s why, if he does. He’s going to be surrounded by us. Having a good time.”

And if there’s one thing that rings true through-out that hospital… If Garcia says it, then it’s Gospel.

“I feel stupid,” Emily grumbles, sitting still but not going through the party process as well as her friend would like. She’s in a dress because Garcia wants this to be a fancy party. Full of drinking and music. Emily knows Hotch would be just as happy if she were barefoot and daisy dukes.

JJ taps her cheek, a small soundless reprimand for moving away from the eye-liner JJ is so meticulously placing on her eyes.

Emily sits for the remainder of the make-up JJ paints onto her face. She can’t actively see it going on but she still knows it’s a lot.

“Oh my God,” Garcia beams when she sees Emily. “You’re gorgeous.” She looks at JJ, “I love it but we’re not trying to shock the man into another coma when he lays his eyes on our total bombshell babe!”

Emily rolls her eyes and shakes herself loose from Garcia’s grip. “I’m not sure I can do this.” She admits, sinking back against her chair. “How am I… I couldn’t… I couldn’t fix Haley and I can’t fix my own heart… so, what am I, JJ? Because a heart goddess certainly isn’t it.”

JJ drops her knee, ignoring the way her own dress rides up her thigh. “Emily, you’re the heart Goddess whether you like it or not.” She cups the side of Emily’s face, wiping her thumb across a tear that dares to fall from her friend’s face. “Dave had you do the surgery on Haley because you’re the best surgeon in the damn county.” She shakes her head, “hell in the nation, probably. If you couldn’t save her then no one could and her best chances were when she was on your table.”

Garcia offers a hand on Emily’s shoulder. She squeezes lightly, “you did you best, Em. You tried to save Haley but now we have to go save Hotch.”

Emily nods, caving to the idea. “Fine,” she mumbles, “but I’m not dancing.”

She lasts four seconds because as soon as she steps through the door, Dave sweeps her up. “Dance with me, bella?”

It’s mostly shifting back and forth but she can feel the tension leaving her body as she accepts Dave’s proximity. After a moment of listening to Reid and Morgan’s bickering, Dave clears his throat. “I wanted to apologize for everything that happened earlier,” he tells her. They step closer to one another so that they can hear each other over the sound of the music and monitors.

“It’s okay,” Emily whispers back, leaning her head on his shoulder. “I know…” she sighs, she’s not sure what she knows.

Dave rubs her back, keeping them moving. “At the very least,” he offers, “I shouldn’t have yelled at you.”

She pulls away from his embrace just enough to stand on the tips of her toes and press a kiss to his cheek. “I forgive you,” she promises.

Air cleared and feeling a little better Dave looks over to Hotch. The kid looks better. It’s hard to tell if that’s a placebo or the truth. “Is it just me,” Dave asks, “or does he seem to be getting more popular?” He shakes his head in disbelief. “Maybe I should go into a coma.”

Emily snickers, “Dave, if you went into a coma… how would we ever know?”

Dave stops dancing, mouth open in shock. “I--” he shakes his head. “I can’t…” He shuts his mouth with an audible snap, “I can’t believe you’d say something like that!”

Behind them, Morgan and Reid are still in the heats of an argument about plastic surgery.

“Anybody can--” Morgan flusters, “it’s called aesthetic awareness, pretty Ricky. You don’t have it. It’s a fine-toothed skill and you can’t even color inside the lines.” He looks at Savannah for back-up but his girlfriend doesn’t offer it. “Never mind your mismatched socks. You just don’t have it, kid.”

Before Reid can offer a rebuttal on the matter, Garcia calls his name out.

“He’s waking up!” She dances at Hotch’s side, motioning them all over with a hurried flick of his wrist.

The music is turned down as Reid pulls out his penlight.

“Hey, kid,” Dave greets softly. He takes Hotch’s left hand, giving it a reassuring squeeze. “We’re all here. Reid, JJ, Garcia.” They watch as his eyes open, it’s just a sliver but the soft brown of his eyes greets them back none-the-less. “Morgan and Emily.”

A shiver goes down Emily’s back as his eyes turn over to her. She steps up, feeling awkward as the other’s part to let her through. Garcia lets go of his other hand, letting Emily takes his hand. “Hey,” she greets softly. She smiles, unable to contain her tears when his finger slowly crawls back around hers.

“You’re gonna be a-okay,” Dave promises. “We’re all here, okay? You can get some sleep.”

His eyes flick over to Dave for a second before returning to her.

Emily looks around the room, uncertain… but her gut is forgotten by her heart as she leans over and places a kiss on his forehead. “Get some sleep, Aaron.”

Dave takes a step back, “good night, kiddo.”

She holds his hand until his eyes slip back shut. Waiting for another moment, just to be sure.

“He’s going to be okay,” Reid reassures her.

Emily steps back from the bed and nods. “I hope you’re right.” But Reid is never wrong and she holds onto that hope with everything she’s got.

@ssaic-jareau @emilyxprentiss @purple-scarf-mistress @blatant-attitude @torimea @jetaime-jespere

#criminal minds #greys anatomy au #hotchniss #aaron hotchner #emily prentiss #jennifer jareau #spencer reid #david rossi #derek morgan #penelope garcia

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neowinestainedress · 4 years ago

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↬ title: There is a glorious sunrise, dappled with the flickers of light. ↬ CHAP. 1 | CHAP. 2 | ↬ pairings: jung jaehyun x kim doyoung ; jung jaehyun x dong sicheng ; lee taeyong x kim doyoung | side suh johnny x lee ten ↬ summary: After seven years in heaven with Doyoung, an unexpected divorce shakes Jaehyun’s life upside down and it seems impossible for him to move on. But Jaehyun finds out that past the curses and cries, there is happiness and forgiveness. ↬ genre: Divorce | Post-divorce | Mild hurt/comfort | Strangers to FWB to lovers | Getting together | Single parent | Adopted children | Angst with an happy ending | Family feels | Family fluff | Aged-up characters ↬ warnings: References to past domestic abuse but it’s not described. Also, Little Renjun (and Yerim) just because I didn’t want to create a whole new oc, hope it’s not much of a problem lmao. ↬ words count: 8.8k ↬ ao3 link

Chapter two: There’ll be happiness after you

“Shit!” Sicheng muttered under his breath standing up from the mattress with his back. His eyes looked around the room swiftly, trying to catch a glimpse of his phone. Nowhere to be found. He got out of the covers, trying to be as silent as possible, and started to wear his clothes that were messily discarded on the floor the night before.

“Why do you always have to sneak out like a thief?” Sicheng stilled on the spot, one leg up in the air trying to enter in the pants and his front facing the door. Fuck, Jaehyun was awake. And he didn’t need to turn around to know how he was looking at him, not after three months this shit was going on, and his heart started to sink every time he had to say goodbye. Jaehyun’s gaze was burning on his back. He was sitting on the bed, with his hands laying on his lap, covered by the white sheets of his bed, his hair still ruffled, his eyes sleepy and his lips puffed. Sicheng hated that sight because every day was getting harder to leave.

Not looking for anything, my ass. He hissed inside his head. Cursing the night he let himself get caught in all of this.

“I’m late.” He mumbled, regaining his composure and grabbing his shirt that was laying on the armchair at the corner of the room.

“It’s Saturday. Late for what?” Jaehyun asked, annoyance in his tone, as he let his body collapse on the bed again. And Sicheng didn’t dare to turn around, knowing damn well how easy it would’ve been for him to lure him to stay a little bit more.

“Didn’t know people had no plans on Saturday.” He tried to joke about it and finally turned around. Just because he was fully clothed and there was no way he could go back in bed.

Jaehyun huffed, his arm coming to rest on his eyes. “Can I come with you?”

“No!” Sicheng almost choked himself. His eyes widening and looking all around the room. Where the hell was his phone?

Jaehyun got startled, not expecting this kind of reaction.

“I’m just late for something I need to do, okay? I really can’t stay. It was great, though. See you.” Sicheng mumbled, without catching his breath once. Then he disappeared out of the room, praying that his phone was in the kitchen or somewhere downstairs.

A curse slipped out of Jaehyun’s lips as he rolled around the bed, his face pressed against the pillow where Sicheng slept all night.

Maybe things started to get messed up in his life once again. And maybe, this time, it was totally his fault.

He didn’t understand why Sicheng acted like this every time he stayed over. Or better, he didn’t understand why all of a sudden he started to care.

He wasn’t looking for anything, right? But Sicheng was just so fun to stay with, he was kind, yet he had sharp humour and knew how to speak his mind. Oh, and the way he used to throw his head back when laughing, such a deep yet silly sound. Or how his eyes would light up when he talked about dancing.

Jaehyun growled in the pillow. He wasn’t supposed to think about all of that. He wasn’t supposed to find him so damn cute. That was not what he was looking for when he called him on the phone, one night of three months ago, to ask for a quick fuck that could distract him from his toughs.

“A little bit too shy now for somebody who just booty called me,” Sicheng teased raising an eyebrow. His hands wandering on Jaehyun’s back trying to lift his shirt and get rid of it as soon as possible.

Jaehyun mumbled something that made no sense and leaned closer to kiss him. “I– Listen it’s been quite some time, okay?” He reminded him. “Also, Doyoung has been basically –”

Sicheng shut him with a kiss, his hands running in his hair and pulling him even closer.

“As much as I love it when you talk shit I would very much like for you to shut up, now. Especially if you have to bring him up when you clearly called me to forget about him.” He said. His deep voice firm but not stern, but the thing that made a shiver run down Jaehyun’s spine was the look of his eyes, they were so intense and Jaehyun felt so naked in front of him he couldn’t help but blush.

“I just thought that –”

“Shh,” Jaehyun had no chance to finish once again, Sicheng’s finger coming on top of his red plump lips, “Can you just relax for one night? Let me take care of you.”

And Jaehyun did. He let go. The only problem was that they both didn’t pay much attention to the ‘one night’ part. Because the nights became two, and three and then so many that they had lost track. And then they also stopped just being ‘nights’.

Jaehyun had no idea if it was because, apparently both of them, Sicheng didn’t really open up much about his break up, had spent their wildest years settled with one person and now they were feeling the rush of a random fling. Or if that was simply what they needed. Whatever it was, they couldn’t stop, but they had no idea where all of this was about to go.

Jaehyun decided to get up from the bed. Deciding that moping in his toughs didn’t help. And it seemed hilarious to him how he was just stopping dwelling on is ex-husband that somebody else had started to screw him over.

༄

“You can’t go on this way,” Johnny said, stirring the coffee in his cup.

“Not you telling me to stop all of this when you were the one throwing me in his arms.” Jaehyun lamented, reminding Johnny that he was stressing him just a few months ago to open up and meet new people.

“I told you to have fun, not to get caught up emotionally.” Johnny retorted.

“I’m not. You think I like him that way?” Jaehyun laughed.

Johnny raised an eyebrow and gave him a bad look. Maybe it wasn’t love, yet, but Jaehyun was growing affectionate to him. Johnny could see it. He knew exactly how Jaehyun started to act when he started to like somebody.

“It’s just sex and friendship. We are good friends, what’s wrong with it?”

“Then why are you mad if he leaves?” Johnny highlighted teasing him.

“I just hate the way he acts sometimes. He’s keeping secrets and for what I know he could be a serial killer, John. And he would also be good at it.” Jaehyun started to mumble, his hands moving frenetically. Sicheng was so damn mysterious, and usually, Jaehyun was pretty good at reading people, but with him, it was impossible to take a small peek inside.

His friend rolled his eyes and then sighed. “You need to relax.”

“But how?” The younger squealed.

“Why don’t you talk to him?” Johnny said as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. And it was, just not for Jaehyun.

Jaehyun laughed but then turned serious as soon as he saw Johnny’s face looking at him with a severe expression.

“What if I lose him?” He whispered, his voice suddenly filling with a bit of sadness.

“What if you find out you’re just paranoid and you stop torturing yourself?” Johnny proposed him, showing him the other side of the medal, where everything could go right and he would find inner peace after finding out that Sicheng wasn’t hiding anything big from him.

Jaehyun sighed. “But it’s not my place to ask. If he doesn’t want to tell me I can’t force him. I don’t want to scare him away.”

Johnny sighed. When Jaehyun didn’t want to listen there was really nothing he could do. “Just because it happened once it doesn’t mean it’s going to happen twice.” Johnny didn’t say much, but Jaehyun knew what he was talking about. Jaehyun always feared being left, but after the divorce things got worse, to the point that he also started to question his friendships and how easily replaceable he was. Doyoung was still an open wound that seemed to have no intention to heal. He didn’t miss him like that anymore. Now Jaehyun could openly see the situation for what it was. After giving him all the best he had, there was nothing else. The only thing he could give to Doyoung was the green light of forgiveness. He couldn’t be mad at him for having finally found his happiness. He knew Taeyong was giving everything he wasn’t able to give him. He had stopped being the petty him, he had let sorrow and regret behind. But he was dealing with the aftermath of everything. And healing wasn’t easy and fast as everybody wanted to believe. Blooming was painful and long.

༄

“Why are you always in a hurry, Cheng?” Jaehyun lamented, his arms wrapping around Sicheng’s torso to keep him flushed against him.

“I simply have to go.” The Chinese man answered, trying to get away from Jaehyun’s grip. He didn’t want to, to be honest. It was nice to stay there, in the warmth of his bed and body, and let himself lose in Jaehyun’ scent. But he had to.

“Yeah, but why? Why are you so mysterious. Are you hiding bodies in your freezer?”

Sicheng chuckled, letting his head fall back and rest on Jaehyun’s chest. His eyes looked at the clock, 3 p.m. Maybe he could let himself stay a little bit more.

“Fine, but just thirty minutes more.” He said, turning his head a little to leave a peak on his lips. Jaehyun smiled in the kiss and nodded.

“You can’t dodge the question, though.”

Sicheng’s body stiffed for a split second. Maybe dodging no, but lying definitely. He hated keeping it a secret to him but he was just terrified he would leave, just like she did, and he didn’t want that to happen again. Or worst, get mad like he used to. He knew he couldn’t keep it from him forever, and he knew that it would’ve hurt like hell when Jaehyun would’ve slipped out of his life, but right now he didn’t want to think about it. Because for how messy the whole thing it was, Jaehyun made him feel good. Not only in a sexual way. He loved being with him, for what he could. He felt comfortable with him. They had so many passions in common, he would never laugh at him or at something that made him happy. Jaehyun was so fucking supportive that it felt like a fever dream to Sicheng. He wasn’t used to all of this. Always getting caught in toxic relationships where he would always take too much space and time. And it was absurd to him how he felt more loved in this mess, that was just a strange friendship stained with sex, than he felt in any other relationship he ever had.

“I babysit a four years old baby, and his parents are never home, basically.” He lied, his heart aching. A part of him felt he could trust Jaehyun with the truth, but what if underneath he was like anybody else? Nice on the surface and pure evil once he let them in. He felt that Jaehyun didn’t deserve all these lies, but he had to protect himself and him.

“You babysit?” Jaehyun asked in shock.

“Yeah, why?” Sicheng tried to stop his voice from shaking, looking at Jaehyun’s face to read him.

“First of all, I thought you worked at the dance studio. And second, I don’t know, never pictured you with a baby.” Jaehyun said, a little bit confused.

“I have two jobs, but I’m focusing more on the babysitting. Might also quit the dance, to be honest.” The man mumbled, his eyes once again looking away.

“Why? I thought that was your dream?”

“Well, we can’t always have what we dream of.” Sicheng sighed, maybe he should’ve run out of the bed right now and avoid any more questions.

“And the baby?” Jaehyun furrowed. He thought that teaching paid him enough to live only of that. Wasn’t it a more stable workplace compared to babysitting? Babies grow.

“What?”

“Why you chose to babysit?”

“Oh, it just happened.” He invented at the spot. But the insecurity in his voice didn’t reach Jaehyun that seemed to be busy daydreaming about something else.

“Why are you smiling so big?” Sicheng asked, eyebrows furrowed.

Jaehyun shrugged. “Imagining you with a child.”

“I’m good with babies.” Sicheng defended.

“Never said you weren’t. You would make a great father I guess.” Sicheng heart stopped for a moment, what was he implying?

“He’s not mine.” He spat out immediately.

“I know. Just saying, for the future, you know.” The Korean turned his face back on him and flashed him a warm smile.

“You would like to have babies?” Sicheng asked. “I mean, just asking.” He added soon after to make sure he wasn’t implying that they would be with him.

Jaehyun’s smile dropped. “Yeah, always wanted at least one. Doyoung and I actually had started the practice to adopt but things went wrong for bureaucratic problems and we had to give up.”

“Oh,” Sicheng said. He had no idea about that. Jaehyun never talked about that before, he always thought children never crossed their minds.

“Guess it’s better like this seeing how we ended.” He tried to see the half-full glass. He could still remember how he had cried for months when things went wrong and he had to give up the thought of them with a baby.

Sicheng nodded, and then looked at the clock again. He almost had to leave, but one last question haunted him.

“Do you want to get married again?” Sicheng asked, having no idea why. If he said yes it would mean there was no place for him in his life. They were nothing serious.

“I don’t want to make plans for my life anymore, to be honest. I’ll just follow the flown wherever it leads me.” Sicheng didn’t know if he had to be happy about it or not. But he should’ve because the flown had lead Jaehyun to him and he was more than happy with that.

“I have to go, now. Text me.” Sicheng said getting up from the bed, for the first time without Jaehyun begging for him to stay. Now that he knew the truth he could finally relax.

But the problem was that it wasn’t the truth at all.

“Who are you?” Jaehyun’s eyebrows narrowed when he arrived in front of Sicheng house and he didn’t find him when the door opened. A shiver run down his spine when the door opened and he didn’t see anybody. Then his eyes lowered and he found a child looking at him intensely. Was that Sicheng’s mini version? Because that was the same look he would give him every time he was mad.

“Umh, I’m looking for Sicheng, actually. He told me he wasn’t working on Saturday.” Jaehyun tried to explain, trying to sound as calm as possible but it wasn’t easy because the little boy was scaring him. Why was he there if Sicheng wasn’t supposed to be working?

The boy looked up and down at him and then talked again. “I don’t know you, and dada says not to let strangers at home.”

“Oh, no. I’m Sicheng’s friend. I passed because I tough he was free. Are your parents busy?”

An interrogative expression painted on the boy’s face, and then he took some steps back, closing the door a little bit. “Dada is in the shower, can’t come right now.”

“Sicheng?” Jaehyun asked, trying to get who he was talking about.

The boy nodded. And Jaehyun wondered how absent his parents must be if he called Sicheng dad, he knew that it could happen often to babysitters when they looked after young children but he always found that kind of sad. And wasn’t he supposed to look after him? Why would he leave somebody else baby alone?

“Can I come in? It’s quite hot outside, I just want to say hi.”

“No strangers.” The boy said. Damn, he was headstrong. But at least he had been educated well. Better like this than running away with strangers.

“If I let you see a picture of me and Sicheng will you let me in?” Jaehyun asked, kneeling at his level.

The brown-haired boy nodded, holding the teddy bear closer to his chest.

“Come in.” He said and moved to the side once the man showed him a picture of them hugging.

“Thanks. Actually, I have brought sweets, do you want some?” Jaehyun asked, making his way in the house and showing the young boy the package full of pastries.

The boy’s eyes lit up and he ran toward the small table that was placed in the living room. Sicheng’s house was considerably smaller than his, but it was normal considering he was the only one living there. Yet, this was the first time he came over during the day and he could notice things he never noticed before. Like the thousands of toys that were splattered all around the living room. And when he posed the pastries in front of the child on the table, his eyes fell on the framed pictures on the fireplace.

No, it couldn’t be.

He turned around, studying the baby better. He was busy picking all the pastries that had chocolate inside. He was wearing red shorts and a white tank top with Tom & Jerry printed on top. His legs swinging in the air and a familiar smile painted his small face. He focused on his face, his eyes, his little nose, his lips…

There was no way he could be –

“What are you doing here?” Sicheng exclaimed. He was wearing a loose white shirt and black shorts. His hair still wet from the shower.

“He told me he’s your friend and he brought the pastries, so I let him in.” The boy said before Jaehyun could say anything.

“Renjun!” Sicheng exclaimed, his Chinese accent coming out completely. “How many times I told you not to let people you don’t know inside?”

“But he showed me a picture of you together!”

“In his defence, he kept me five minutes outside to see if I really knew you,” Jaehyun said.

“Fine. What are you doing here? We didn’t say to hang out.”

“You told me you weren’t working so I thought –“

“I’m working, didn’t told you plans changed.”

“But dad, you’re not working,” Renjun said, with his mouth stuffed with food, looking angrily at Sicheng.

Sicheng closed his eyes and his fist. And that’s why you don’t have conversations between adults in front of children.

“So it’s true…” Jaehyun whispered, a hand coming to cover the stupor on his face.

“Jaehyun, please, not here.” The other man begged, voice breaking in his throat.

“Renjun, to your room now, take the sweets with you, just for this time.”

༄

“Why you didn’t tell me?” Jaehyun said as soon as Sicheng pushed him inside the small kitchen and closed the door behind them, to make extra sure that Renjun couldn’t hear anything. Jaehyun was angry, thank God he wasn’t screaming at him but Sicheng could hear how hurt he was from the whole thing. But he couldn’t force himself to look up at the man in front of him. He didn’t want to see his eyes filled with disappointment.

“Sicheng, why would you hide something so big from me?” He asked again, raising his voice a little. “What idea of me you had in mind to cut out such a big part of your life?”

The Chinese man flinched, raising his hand in the air to protect himself for something that didn’t come.

“Because I didn’t want this!” He yelled, his arms coming to close around his chest and trying to hide even more in the corner of the room.

Jaehyun stilled at his reaction. Why was he acting like that?

“Sicheng,” He called him, his voice back at being low and kind. He was still let down that Sicheng would hide something like this to him, but there was definitely something wrong and more tragic behind. “Can we please sit and talk like grownups?”

But Sicheng didn’t move or talk, and soon he let himself burst in tears, and kneel to the floor. Jaehyun run to him and pulled him closer to his chest. And Sicheng wanted to pull away, not used to that. Not happy of letting him see him like this, but what was the point now? Jaehyun would’ve left anyway now that he had found out. He was mad at him like everybody else. He was useless, pathetic and nobody wanted to stick to his side. The only thing he was good at, making people run away. So he could take the good of the situation and let himself lull by Jaehyun, just before he would snap out of the pity and take it on him and then leave him forever.

But the first words that came out of the other’s mouth, weren’t the ones Sicheng expected to hear. “I’m sorry that I scared you.”

Sicheng looked up, his eyes red and wet, and sniffled. Why was he apologizing?

“We can talk if you want, but if you don’t I’ll leave, didn’t want to –”

“No!” Sicheng exclaimed. “Please don’t leave me.” He added, the hold on Jaehyun’s shirt getting incredibly tight. And he could still hear his voice calling him pathetic but he couldn’t care, that was just a nonexistent voice in his head. He needed Jaehyun.

“I’ll stay. Can we seat there?” He pointed at the chair around the table and Sicheng nodded.

“Can I, can I sit on your lap?” He mumbled, red in the face. It was such a childish request but he needed to feel that Jaehyun was there, he couldn’t even care how hot it was. But Jaehyun didn’t laugh at him, he simply sat down and pulled him on top of him.

They didn’t say a word for some minutes. Jaehyun didn’t want to force him to talk, and anyway, he had no idea what to ask him. The pieces of the puzzles were so messed up that he had no idea where to start to put them together.

“Renjun is mine, as you may have guessed.” Sicheng started to say, a small chuckle rolling out of his lips and his hands nervously playing with each other. Jaehyun grabbed them and intertwined them with his to stop him from torturing his cuticle and then let his chin rest against Sicheng’s shoulder, carefully listening to him.

“His mother left right after his birth. We were twenty-two, dating since we were eighteen when I went to the dance academy in French. One day I woke up, and all there was left of her, and us, was Renjun in his cradle and a letter marked with tears, and thousands of words to tell me that she had met someone else and didn’t want to be a mother anymore. We wanted him, we wanted Renjun with all of ourselves, and after three months she left.” Jaehyun’s heart sunk. He could’ve imagined that something happened to the other part, but he wasn’t expecting this.

“I had no idea how to deal with all of that. I never saw it coming, I was so sure that we had finally found our happiness, that finally my life was coming together and all of a sudden everything I believed in wasn’t there anymore. I felt so stupid, so dumb because I couldn’t see the signs. And till these days I still don’t know what happened, where we went wrong, if I could’ve done something, anything to save us.” A bitter smile crept on Jaehyun’s face because he knew that feeling. And he wondered how can you move on from something like that, when it had already been hard, and still was, for him, and it was a divorce. Not a baby that you looked for that suddenly became a burden, a mistake. Jaehyun hadn’t been cheated on and left with a kid.

“So I completely focused on Renjun. First, because I had to, and I had no intention of making him feel less loved or less wanted. And second, because I didn’t want to face my broken heart. I went on like this till Renjun was two. Then I met a man at a dinner party. I went there because I was working as an assistant in a corporation, and I made the biggest mistake of my life. He was thirty-six year old, fifteen years older than me. He had his life together, an amazing house, three cars, and everybody pending from his lips. We started talking casually but I found myself caught up in him faster than expected. And I was so stupid that I thought he was as into me as I was into him. But there was nothing good in what we had. I was just one of his thousands of sex toys, and I would let him do everything he wanted with me. As long as I could feel wanted even for just ten minutes against a wall or his desk, for me it was okay.” A silent sob got stuck in his throat. He hated thinking about the past, especially that part of his life. He hated that he craved love so much that even the most toxic kind seemed okay to him.

“After six months like this, I decided to cut things off. I couldn’t bring myself to do it anymore, and I wanted to focus on me and Renjun. But I was stupid and broken, I had no time to heal from her that somebody else had hurt me again. I was battered and bruised and I fell in the rabbit hole like a fool when he came back promising me to be the only one and that he loved me and wanted something serious.” Sicheng sniffled and moved in discomfort on top of Jaehyun. The other pulling him closer to him to reassure him everything was fine.

“We started to date,” He laughed bitterly. “But I had Renjun. I was a father before anything else, and he didn’t like it. I couldn’t always be where he wanted me to be. And a part of me was always thinking about Renjun even when I was out, I was just terrified something could happen to him, I didn’t want to lose him too. So I decided to open up to him and he seemed so understanding that I fell in his trap, even more, day after day getting deeper. He suggested living with him after three months. Like that, we could’ve spent more time together, I could’ve worked less and spent more time with Renjun, and finally move on from her completely by moving out of our old house. And to me, it looked like magic, but I had no idea of the nightmare that was waiting for me headed. Soon I stopped seeing the daylight, it had happened when Renjun caught a very bad disease and I had to look after him for a month, I was supposed to go back to work after that but he convinced me to stay home. Just to be sure that Renjun was fine and I could take a break from the stressful things that had happened. Pft, just an excuse to keep quiet while he would go around fucking anybody he met and also known that coming home he would’ve found a hot meal, fresh sheets and somebody else to fuck.”

Jaehyun shivered at his words. He wasn’t so sure he wanted to listen to the rest, but at the same time, he wanted to be a shoulder for Sicheng to lean on. That wasn’t what he had planned when he decided to surprise him that day. That wasn’t something he expected from Sicheng at all, because after all this pain he became so good at hiding emotions that nothing exuded from him. And now Jaehyun could see why he was cold sometimes when every time he let himself grow closer he would take five steps back right after.

“But once again, I didn’t see it coming. I was so in love with him that everything seemed shiny. He was much older than me and I believed I had so much to learn from him. I would sit and listen to all of the bullshits coming out of his mouth as if they were golden.” Another bitter laugh left his lips. “I treated him like a fucking king. Worshipping his ground like a fool. Every day waiting by the door to greet him home like a hero. My hero, because he saved me, he gave me a roof on the head, he paid for the food, for the water, my clothes, and any other thing he would buy even if I didn’t ask. Because he was doing so much for me and I had to be thankful, happy and quiet.”

“Then I started to suspect he was cheating on me, but every time I tried to bring the topic up he would gaslight me and I always let go, thinking that it was all in my head. And from then it started to go worst for me. I wanted to be wanted, so bad, Jae, so bad that I would’ve done anything as long as he would’ve kept looking at me and only me.” This time a loud sob escaped from his lips and he had to stop to regain his composure. He had to move and finish the story, it was starting to hurt and Renjun was alone in his room way too long for his liking.

“But I wish it would’ve stopped there. After six months his company started to flop, and he had to take it on somebody, and he knew that the only one who wouldn’t have dared to say something around was me. I don’t really want to talk about it, but things got worse and physical pretty soon.” Sicheng wanted to erase it from his mind so bad, but he couldn’t, and talking about it only hurt more. It meant going back there, with his hands on his body, his eyes black, his lips bulging and no mercy at his screams and cries. He knew he needed to go to therapy or else that wounds would never heal, but it was too expensive for him, a single father who was already struggling to arrive at the end of the month already like this.

“That’s why I flinched when you raised your voice before. When I was dating him one wrong step meant a yell from him followed by a slap, that when he was in a good mood and decided to stop there.” Jaehyun didn’t say a thing, he simply started to caress the back of Sicheng’s hand with his thumb to reassure him that with him nothing like that would’ve ever happened. But deep down he knew that wasn’t enough. Sicheng needed help, serious help. But right now, that was the only thing he had to offer, his support.

Sicheng sniffled, his hands tightening around Jaehyun’s. “It went on for almost two years, and if it wasn’t for Renjun probably I would still be there. I couldn’t stand seeing Renjun living in that toxic environment. Renjun started to be defensive with everybody, at the kindergarten he wouldn’t talk with anybody. He would ask me why I had bruises all over my body and I didn’t know how to lie anymore. He also started to have nightmares at night but he wanted me at his side and I had to put my baby second.” Sicheng paused another time, taking a deep breath.

“Do you want some water?” Jaehyun asked; the first words he spoke since they started this conversation. But the Chinese man shook his head. He didn’t want to get up and stop feeling the warmth of his body.

“I had no worth in his life and it was time for me to break free and leave him in ruins. He wasn’t expecting for me to stand up, to take the dagger he had jabbed in me and remove it. And neither was I. I had no money, no job, nowhere to go. But I did it, I was tired of begging for a place that wasn’t meant for me, I knew that both Renjun and I deserved better. To be celebrated, not tolerated. I wanted to call Ten and ask for help but I was so embarrassed by myself that I decided to test my luck completely. So I moved here without saying a word. Slept in hotels and sent jobs applications. And luckily enough I got accepted at the dance studio to teach. I have to look after him so the pay is not much for the few lessons I do, but it’s enough to pay the rent, the bills, food and clothes. I didn’t come here for Christmas, I had to lie to Ten because I didn’t want him to pity me.” Sicheng admitted.

“Wait, nobody knows about all of this?” Jaehyun asked when the realization hit him. Sicheng did all of that by himself, with nobody by his side.

“Nobody but you,” Sicheng confirmed, smiling shyly with his head low.

Silence filled the room after that, but it wasn’t awkward. Sicheng wasn’t in the mood to tell him how hard it had been to come all over another country and start from zero. With the fear he would come to look for them. He had no reason to do that, but Sicheng still lived in fear. That was one of the reasons why he insisted that Renjun wouldn’t trust strangers. He couldn’t care about Renjun, he never did, he wasn’t his. But he knew how much Renjun meant for him, and if he wanted to hurt him, the baby was his Achilles’ heels.

“Let me check on Injunnie,” Sicheng said getting up. He was still shaking, but he passed his hand on his face to wipe away the tears, ruffled his hair and then walked out the door. And Jaehyun watched him, wondering how many times he had to do it to appear okay in front of his son’s eyes when he clearly wasn’t.

But after all of this? What was his role in this story? Was Sicheng going to give him a chance or was that the way to let him know he was out of his life? Because Jaehyun didn’t want that, he wanted to stay. Which seemed absurd considering four months before he wasn’t looking for anything serious and now he was getting himself in something that not only was serious but also extremely complicated. And what if Renjun didn’t like him? What if he wasn’t what he wanted and needed? Was he good enough to be a father?

“Jae,” Sicheng called him, making him come back down from his thoughts. “He fell asleep.” He said, and for the first time that day he saw Sicheng smile also with his eyes, the one Renjun inherited from him. And Jaehyun felt at home. A little bit messed up, with broken windows and lots of things to fix, but at home.

“So, what are we making for dinner?” Jaehyun asked standing up and walking towards Sicheng.

The man stared at him with an eyebrow raised. “You want to stay?”

“Yeah, I came to spend time with you,” Jaehyun said as if it was the most obvious thing.

“And what are we going to do with…us?” He asked, his finger moving between them. He had spent an hour ranting about his life but they didn’t say a word about them. And what kind of them? That was nothing serious right? He was the dumb one who caught feelings in the way, not Jaehyun who just came out of a happy relationship ended in tragedy and wanted nothing to do with something serious.

“Give us a try? Only if you want to.” Jaehyun proposed, his face lighting up in a warm smile who showed his dimples.

Sicheng gasped. The Jaehyun, Jung Yoonoh wanted to give them a try? He wanted to take all the mess he, Dong Sicheng, carried with him. He hoped to God that wasn’t another twist of fate and that this time was really the right one. For him and for Renjun, who deserved stability.

“Wait, I didn’t scare you for life?” Was the only thing he managed to say, though.

“It takes more than that to scare me.” Jaehyun winked.

“Well, I guess it’s time to bring out the dead bodies in the freezer,” Sicheng answered, dead serious. Just to burst out laughing two seconds later.

“God, you’re so stupid,” Jaehyun said before pulling him into a kiss.

Maybe his love story wasn’t finished, yet. He just had to wait for the book to complete itself.

༄

“What if she doesn’t like it?” Sicheng said tossing and turning the Christmas gift he had in hand.

Jaehyun sighed, stopping at the red light and turning around to have a better view of the man sitting on the passenger seat.

“Wingi, she’s not even six months old. What do you think she’s going to do? Throw it at you?”

“But babies that age needs things that stimulate their growth and it’s really important that they grow fond of their things.” Sicheng ranted.

“Dear Lord,” He exclaimed, starting the car, again. “She’s going to love it, you’ll see it.”

“But –”

“Injunnie, why don’t we sing this song?” Before Sicheng could start to complain again, Jaehyun raised the volume of the radio passing Last Christmas.

Renjun giggled in his teddy bear hooded baby jumpsuit and with is plushie firm in the hold of his hands who were starting to be less chubby, and then said: “So daddy will shut up and sing with us.”

“Hey!” Sicheng screamed, turning around a little bit to look at the child sitting in the middle in his children’s car seat. “I’m telling you, I don’t like it that you two started plotting against me.”

Then the three burst into a loud laugh just to start singing the song together soon after.

“Dada,” Renjun called Sicheng, “want to know why this is my favourite song?”

“Yes, why?” Sicheng asked, looking at him from the review mirror.

“It reminds me of us. We were always lonely during Christmas or with that bad man but now we have papa and we’re happy and home is filled with love because you gave your heart to someone special.”

Jaehyun had to thank God they had arrived at Johnny and Ten’s house, and he had nobody behind because the brutal stops he did would’ve caused an accident. His heart stopped in his chest just to start beating twice the normal rage. But Sicheng’s reaction was any different. They weren’t expecting this.

They started to get serious right after that talk, but it hadn’t been easy. They wanted to see if they really worked together and then later Jaehyun would’ve entered Renjun’s life. Because if things didn’t work out, Sicheng didn’t want to also mend Renjun’s broken heart. So even if it had been almost six months together, and Jaehyun already got closer to the baby, they dropped the news to Renjun only one month ago. And he loved it. Renjun was so enamoured of Jaehyun that he wanted all of them to live together right away, and it also didn’t take him much to ask for another sibling, preferably a sister, just because he was head over heels for the little girl uncle Johnny and Ten had just adopted. But Renjun had never said something that strong. And also he never called Jaehyun dad, or anything alike.

“I think I need a moment,” Jaehyun mumbled. His heart still jumping in his chest. Renjun had called him papa and said he was someone special, in front of the same house where he got his heart broken one year before by seeing his ex-husband replacing him with somebody else.

“Congratulation, you broke daddy Jae.” Sicheng joked turning around, expecting to find Renjun to still be seated, but the small beast was already seat belts free with his head in the middle of the front seats, smiling at them.

“Nooo. You need to work!” He said pushing his little finger in Jaehyun’s cheek. Jaehyun turned around unexpectedly and jokingly eat it, making Renjun jump in surprise.

Renjun’s high and genuine laugh resonated in the vehicle, his head thrown back and his eyes closed as four eyes full of love stared at him. Finally, after all the pain everything seemed to be falling into pieces. Finally, there was happiness. And it was all summed up in that beautiful laugh.

“Come on! I want to see Yerim!” Renjun shouted once he stopped laughing and started to jump on the spot. Hurring them to let him free.

“As you wish, your majesty.” Jaehyun joked and opened the car door to get open Renjun’s.

Once the car was locked and they grabbed the bags with all the other gifts, Sicheng took a deep breath and stretched to Jaehyun his hand, which he took. Renjun was already knocking on the front door with Yeri’s gift in his tiny hands.

“You okay?” Jaehyun asked before he started walking towards their friends’ house. And Sicheng nodded, a bright smile on his face. “We met here one year ago.”

“And I told you I wasn’t looking for anything serious. And look at us now.” Jaehyun remembered him. It was funny how fate worked, sometimes.

Sicheng laughed. That became their inside joke when Sicheng started to call him ‘Mrs. Nothing serious’ any time he wanted to tease him.

“If you don’t come in right now, I’m leaving you out in the cold!” Johnny’s voice called them and they both rolled their eyes before hurrying their steps to walk inside.

༄

The chatting of the people filled the big living room, the Christmas tree in the corner and the ambient lights created a warm and cosy atmosphere along with the holiday music playing in the background, loud enough to be heard but not to annoy. Ten didn’t hold back even that year where they had been extremely busy with the baby. But it was nice. Johnny and Ten’s Christmas party was one of the constant things in Jaehyuns’s life, he liked to know that he could always look forward to this. Especially now that everything fell into pieces.

“Why you didn’t tell me you were his ex-husband?”

“Well, good evening to you, too, Taeyong,” Jaehyun said, with a tint of irony in his voice. The man rolled his eyes.

“You made me stand there and tell you about us for what?” He asked, going back to his point.

Jaehyun sighed, and then he turned towards the voice coming from his side. Taeyong was standing in front of him, even more handsome than he was the year before. His hair was now a dark red, similar to the colour of the velvet suit he was wearing.

“To make sure he was in good hands. To make sure he has found his happiness.” Jaehyun explained.

Taeyong didn’t say a word. That wasn’t the answer he was expecting.

“And if you’re wondering, yes, I think he is.”

The other man furrowed. “Why? Why would you hurt yourself like this?”

“I didn’t hurt myself. Or, well, yes, it did hurt but it was useful. I needed closure, Tae. Can I call you that?” The man nodded. “Knowing that he had somebody else that brought the happiness I wasn’t able to give him anymore helped to get there.”

“Yeah but I still felt like shit when Doyoung told me about you,” Taeyong explained, sipping from his flûte full of champagne.

“You shouldn’t. I mean, look at this, everything is perfect now, right?” Jaehyun pointed in front of them. Ten was holding Yerim in his arms, talking with Sicheng and some other friends from work, while Doyoung and Johnny were chatting with Mark and Yuta. And he didn’t feel the suffocating feeling anymore. No matter all the unknown faces that still filled the room, or the fact that this wasn’t the plan he had in mind.

“I’m going to treat him right, even for you,” Taeyong said, his big sparkling brown eyes meeting Jaehyun’s. He still didn’t understand how Jaehyun could act like this, but he appreciated his maturity and his positivity. It felt strange, probably if he was at his place he would’ve hated himself, yet, Jaehyun didn’t.

“I know you will.” He answered smiling. He had no doubt about that.

༄

The sounds and the life of the city could be felt from the window where Sicheng was standing, the party alive behind him while he was spacing out, caught up in his emotions.

“What are you thinking about?” Jaehyun asked coming behind him, his arms wrapping around his waist, his chin resting on his boyfriend’s shoulder.

“I used to sit in front of the window dreaming of a better day, every day of my life when it started to get worst. But as much as I dreamed it, it always seemed like an impossible thing to achieve.” Sicheng started to explain, throwing his head back so he could rest against Jaehyun. “Then I dried my tears and went looking for it. But I never thought it would end up being so wonderful.”

A smile appeared on Jaehyun’s lips as he held him closer.

“I used to think the divorce was the biggest failure of my life for my age and for everything I had in mind about my future. Then I discovered that there’s nothing wrong in adding a plot twist in the story you’re writing. Especially if the plot this is this beautiful.” This time the one smiling was Sicheng, as warmth spread across his chest. It felt like home, after all the broken houses he lived in, he finally found a place to call home.

“Are you,” Sicheng mumbled, his hands searching for Jaehyun’s around his waist. “ever afraid, I don’t know, that something might go wrong again?” Sicheng didn’t want to ask that to ruin the mood, but sometimes fear would always come back to haunt him. He was getting better, he started to go to therapy and could finally see the clearer picture, but he didn’t heal completely yet. And maybe knowing that Jaehyun had the same fears would calm him down.

“I am. I had spent years convinced that somebody would’ve been by my side forever and then one morning they weren’t there anymore, and the same thing happened to you. I don’t want to lose you and Renjun but I don’t even want to stain our story with fear and hold it back. I’m pretty positive about us, we make a really great family.” Jaehyun said, turning his head back to look at Renjun, who was lulling Yeri with Ten by his side, for a second and then looked back at Sicheng.

“I don’t want to make promises anymore, Cheng,” Jaehyun said, and Sicheng furrowed for a second. “But I can tell you that I want to hold your hands as we walk for a long distance keeping our pace, with no one running behind us, following our path. And I hope that when it turns to grey, or it rains, we don’t run away but we will keep looking for a better place, a better version of us. I don’t want to promise you anything, but I hope I can be the one that wipes your tears and hears you laugh for a long time.” The sincerity in Jaehyun’s warm voice made Sicheng’s heart skip a beat. As if he was wonderstruck he finally realized everything was real. After all, somebody was willing to spend forever by his side, and also take care of Renjun. In all the chaos of this big world, in the thousands of souls that walked the heart, and all their heartbeats, Sicheng had found his missing puzzle piece.

A hot tear streamed down his face as his eyes locked into Jaehyun’s, making extra sure that he was standing right in front of him and he wasn’t just another of his beautiful dreams.

“Do you like this idea?” Jaehyun asked. He didn’t want to use the word ‘plan’ anymore, he prefered ideas, so he could have fun staring at them and see how they would turn out.

Sicheng smiled, his eyes lighting up like the stars in the sky that night. “I love this idea.” And then he closed the distance between them with a kiss.

༄

“So he calls you dada,” Johnny teased walking to stand by Jaehyun’ side, his finger pointing at Renjun who had fallen asleep in Jaehyun’s arms. It was almost midnight, and the party was coming to an end, but Renjun gave up before they could finish the celebrations and Jaehyun’s arms seemed like the most comfortable place for him.

“He does.” Jaehyun smiled. And Johnny chuckled, that kind of smirk Jaehyun deciphered perfectly.

“What, Johnny? What is the lesson you have to give me, now?” He asked, rolling his eyes.

“Nothing. I was just thinking you’ve always been one of a kind.” His best friend said tilting his head to the side to have a better look of him.

“Elaborate, please.”

“A marriage, a divorce, becoming the father of a baby that’s not yours. That’s quite surreal for the perfect love story you always wanted.” Johnny explained. And before Jaehyun could talk back, taking it as an insult, he added what he really wanted to say to him. “I’m proud of you. Just wanted to let you know.” One of his arm wrapping around Jaehyun in a half hug.

And Jaehyun smiled, after whispering a small ‘thank you’ that was interrupted by cheers coming behind them. They looked at each other and then walked toward the table where everybody had gathered around. Johnny walked towards Ten who was holding his usual ‘end of the year’ speech that he always insisted to do to thank the people hat made part of his life. And Jaehyun reached Sicheng, leaving a small kiss on his forehead.

And now that he had all the people that changed his life in one room, smiling happily and cherishing each other, Jaehyun understood something important. His life definitely hadn’t been the perfect love story he always fantasized of, but that was the most beautiful part of it. And just because his initial plans didn’t work out it didn’t mean that what was waiting headed was bad. In the end, the most beautiful things that happened in his life were unexpected. He wasn’t looking for Doyoung when he found him and shared such a big slice of his life, for seven happy years. And he wasn’t looking for Sicheng and Renjun when he found them, after all the curses and cries. Jaehyun had learnt to stop crying and start to look at the past with the same smile on his face that he was reserving for the future. Because now that his eyes moved between Doyoung with his arms wrapped around Taeyong and Sicheng clenching at his side, while Renjun was still sleeping in his arms, he was more than sure, that in their history, after the great divide, there was a glorious sunrise waiting for them.

Jaehyun had loved Doyoung with every fibre of his body and he knew that Doyoung did too. He knew they had an amazing time together when they were younger. They had grown together, seen each other at their worst and their best. They had given so much to each other, and Jaehyun will never forget. And he knew that Doyoung was feeling the same. He knew it, from the way he turned around, looked for him in the crowd of people, and smiled. And they had shared so much that they didn’t need words to understand each other. Their smiles were screaming silent thank yous. Thank you for walking by my side all this time. They would’ve moved on, from then on, holding hands with somebody else, but always holding each other in their hearts.

And leavening it all behind wasn’t a bad thing, anymore.

It only meant one thing.

Finally, there was happiness, in their past and in whatever the future was holding for them.

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divine-motion · 4 years ago

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i’m having more of my tmnt au/2012 rewrite-ish thing so i’m gonna post this doodle of Karai and Leonardo bc it also summarizes one problem i have with 2012 and then the rest of my thoughts will be under keep reading

if you can’t read my handwriting/the quality of the phone picture is too bad: Karai: You ever think about how we’re in this mess just because our dads were fighting over a girl? Leonardo: ...... Y. Yeah. All the time.

yeah so obviously i don’t really like the reason for The central conflict of the series and shredder’s motivation to begin with, especially when they put in a much better reason in his backstory but still focused on “gorl didn’t like me back :(”

like really this guy devotes his life to revenge, kidnaps his niece, tries to murder several children, allies himself with colonizing aliens, and literally dooms the earth to destruction all because... he’s an incel. like i do like how crazy devoted he is to his revenge bc i love that stuff but with this it’s just kind of funny when it’s not supposed to be. so! i would change his motivation to what it should have been and is actually in the show, namely: the whole thing about the Hamato Clan taking him in as a baby after they launched a devastating assault on a Foot Clan village, where they found him.

they do add in a little bit of it but. it should’ve been his main motivation, not just an extra thing! it could’ve even made him something of a sympathetic villain! like how i would’ve done it, he finds out about his origins as being part of the Foot Clan and the fate of his home village, and is enraged that he’s been lied to his whole life. he questions the honor of the Hamato Clan since they clearly attacked civilians - this was a village, and there were clearly kids there, he wonders if he really was the only child there and how many were not given the same mercy he did - and his family were apparently killed in the attack. so he confronts his brother yoshi about it (not sure if i’d have yoshi know about it or not but his reaction remains the same). saki expresses his desire to have revenge, tear the Hamato Clan down since he doesn’t believe that it deserves to continue to exist, but that doesn’t mean yoshi has to die too, and asks yoshi to join him. of course, since saki wants to kill yoshi’s dad as revenge, yoshi refuses, the two fight, tang shen jumps between, house burns down, big ol’ domino brick effect.

i think he still has feelings for tang shen and while he’s jealous he leaves it be and remains best friends with tang shen, and her death at his hand drives him further off the edge. he takes in miwa/karai partially as a way to make it up to tang shen, though he knows it’s not enough. oh and also as a dramatic irony/more revenge against the Hamato Clan since that’s exactly what they did to him.

while he is entirely dedicated to eradicating the Hamato Clan he gets more and more obsessed with revenge as the story goes on. like i’m thinking of having leo and karai suggest a truce between the Foot and the turtles with the Kraang threat afoot and shredder actually ends up accepting bc he agrees they can’t let the Kraang win. maybe more bc he genuinely cares abt karai in his own way and wants there to be a world for her to grow up in (even though at this point she’s been trained as an assassin for her entire childhood but. well. he’s still a villain yanno. “this is how my adoptive parents treated me when i was growing up, i don’t see what the problem is.” “your parents who you hate?” “yeah. what of it.”). but then, later on, he would become entirely obsessed with revenge and not care about anything else that happens, probably after killing splinter and finding it brought him no peace or satisfaction

seriously what’s up with 2012 allying with the Kraang. how do you see that working out for you sir. sure he was expecting a betrayal but. still.

of course he takes opportunity of the truce to steal mutagen and Kraang tech while they can and makes sure to make use of the fact that the turtles can’t interfere in his business to make more weapon deals and gain more territory.

... hmm... i could... have tang shen live... potentially surviving the wound... and she and yoshi both believe that miwa perished in the fire, and they either get divorced or they both move to usa together and then yoshi gets mutated and tang shen is left alone, not knowing that her husband turned into a giant rat... i mean that’s just a potential thing. it sounds a little bit melodramatic and contrived but i think tang shen should get to survive sometimes and making splinter Epic Divorce Man would be funny. i dunno just a thought!

while we’re on the topic of Foot Clan stuff i might as well talk a little about other Foot Clan goons

bebop and rocksteady join way earlier. i care them ok. not sure if they’d still be anton zeck and steranko... idw and bay movies are peak bopsteady ok, and i like them being friends from the start! also for design changes i just don’t agree with bebop being skinny. he’s fat :)

Xever doesn’t get mutated, i like his human design more and there are, what, three major black characters in 2012 and they’re all villains and all get mutated? let xever be human!! he’d also be a bit more of a major and respected villain, a very Neutral Evil type, and makes a point to show he’s out for himself and for his own survival. if possible he’ll try to talk his way out of situations when he can and speaks in support of the truce i mentioned earlier because he’d prefer it if the earth was still inhabitable. karai proclaims that he is her favorite among her dad’s cringe henchmen but the only thing they bond over is their mutual disdain of bradford. he just thinks karai is kind of a brat, if a very skilled and dangerous brat.

while bradford/rahzar is a fairly formidable threat, there would be more emphasis on how pathetic he is. he’s chuck norris so he deserves it. also he’s like a 50 year old guy who acts so entirely devoted to shredder who’s. what. 39 years old? 40? he deserves to be dragged more

i’m thinking mr baxter stockman wouldn’t be mutated either, i like his human design a lot too. he would also be much less of a loser in this rewrite since bradford would take that role. instead, he’s just... an absurdly normal genius scientist/engineering guy who happens to be part of a really evil crime organization full of evil ninjas. he’s polite and eccentric, happy to have someone who finally funds his many inventions and experiments, even if that someone happens to be someone literally called The Shredder. however, while he is a nice man, he is rather impatient when people rush him with inventions. whenever shredder tries his usual “if you fail there will be consequences” it just doesn’t work bc baxter points out that failure is part of the process and that shredder absolutely needs him to make the inventions shredder wants.

karai is weirded out by baxter the most bc he just seems so normal

later on when karai goes double-agent to try and take the Foot Clan down from the inside: i trust baxter the least leo: it’s the sweater isn’t it karai: it’s just so pink, i can’t stop looking at it whenever we’re having an Evil Ninja Crime Organization meeting! do you know the tonal dissonance of seeing him next to The Shredder? and listening to shredder speak in grunts and growls while baxter just keeps a chipper tone?? i don’t think i’ve ever used the word chipper to describe someone before but with him, it’s the only word i can think of!!! leo: he is disarmingly pleasant. karai: right!!! he looks more like someone’s wacky dad!! the other day he literally told me a dad joke. i felt like i was light-headed

i don’t think i’d change tiger claw very much, if at all. maybe make him a little less invincible at times, and a little more regretful of the outcome with alopex.

i have more thoughts but this is. already several walls of text so i’ll end this nonsense post here

#tmnt #tmnt 2012 #tmnt au #the shredder #oroku saki #foot clan #i like working on this even if it is nonsense #it's fun!

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mylifeiskara · 5 years ago

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Happy Holidays*, Have a Fic Rec List!

So I realized recently that even though I didn’t start interacting with people until like September, I got back into The 100 last January, even if it was mostly just scrolling through the tags to see what was going on. I’ve been absolutely floored by the writing talent in this fandom, and everyone I’ve interacted with has been so warm and welcoming, which has only encouraged me to write more. So to mark my almost a year of being a lurker and as a fun sort of holiday present to everyone for being so nice, I thought I would go through all my bookmarks and AO3 history and find some of my favorite fics I’ve read this year and share them, complete with commentary somewhat like the way I leave comments on AO3! I’ve read so many more amazing fics than just these ones (which is surprising because I’m a really slow reader), so thank you to literally everyone who writes for this fandom, because you’re all superstars! I get so excited every time someone shares something new, and my marked for later list just keeps getting longer.

This list is mostly Bellarke, but there’s also a couple Murven and one Memori. It’s also abundantly clear that I read mainly modern AUs, so I didn’t bother separating canon things from modern things, but I did separate the complete works and the WIPs. And if I don’t know someone’s Tumblr, I’m just gonna link their AO3 profile!

*I’m pretty sure only one of these fics has to do with a winter holiday, so sorry if that’s misleading!

Complete

Your words on my skin by not_a_total_basket_case Bellamy/Clarke, Rated G (Multi-Chapter) This is the first The 100 fic I ever read, so obviously it has to go first on my list. I don’t read many soulmate AUs, but I liked that soulmates communicated to each other through notes on their skin. The whole thing is just so soft, and I’ve read it a bunch of other times since my first reading. Also bonus points for Clarke and Bellamy being absolute idiots in love.

Feels Like Reckless Driving When We’re Talking by Chash Bellamy/Clarke, Rated E (Multi-Chapter) In this one there’s an age swap, so Bellamy is younger than Clarke, who’s a single mom in her 30s. Bonus points for the presence of Murphy and Emori to help get Clarke out of her head and out of the house so she can meet Bellamy, a hot younger man!

so i sing a song of love by @hiddenpolkadots Bellamy/Clarke, Rated M (One-Shot) This is my comfort fic! I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve read it, but it’s one I keep going back to. I love a good friends with benefits complicated by feelings, and also in this case, pregnancy.

I’ll always wear the crown that you gave me by bellamysgriffinprincess Bellamy/Clarke, Rated G (One-Shot) Best friend’s brother is one of my favorite tropes, and I really love the evolution of Bellamy and Clarke’s relationship throughout the story.

Talking with You in the Dark by @bettsfic Bellamy/Clarke, Rated E (One-Shot) This is like “oh my god they were roommates” adjacent (since they’re neighbors), which is what I like about it. I think I’m just a sucker for stories where Bellamy and Clarke’s relationship kind of evolves in a very natural way. Also the simple ask of wanting to share a bed with someone because you’re lonely is such a mood.

the naked truth by @kombellarke Bellamy/Clarke & Murphy/Raven, Rated E (Multi-Chapter) Speaking of “oh my god they were roommates”! This fic has so much great angst! It’s probably the angstiest thing on this list! I’m not sure if I can adequately put into words my feelings about this fic, other than it’s great, and I feel like everyone’s read it already, but here it is so you can read it again!

guess it’s never really over by @captaindaddykru Bellamy/Clarke, Rated M (One-Shot) I love how even when Bellamy and Clarke are divorced, they’re clearly still so in love. It’s why the idea of them having another kid together didn’t sound absolutely absurd to either of them, and that’s the tea.

You Should Still Take Me Home by @eyessharpweaponshot Bellamy/Clarke, Rated T (One-Shot) This has many things I love, which are fics about New Year’s, friends with benefits, and a college setting. It’s the dream! And it’s really cute!

Here’s What I’ve Got (The Reasons Why Our Marriage Might Work) by @marauders-groupie Bellamy/Clarke, Rated T (Multi-Chapter) I have been trying to come up with the words to describe the way this fic made me feel literally ever since I read it, but my God, I still feel like what I say wouldn’t do it justice. Also there is a very particular word I’m searching for that I have yet to land on. It’s so beautifully written, and I love stories that begin after the couple has broken up. Also they’re actors, and I love a celebrity AU!

Potions et Patroni by chants_de_lune Bellamy/Clarke, Rated T (One-Shot) I love anything to do with Harry Potter or Hogwarts, so adding Bellarke to the mix was just right up my alley. If you haven’t noticed, I really love watching/reading the natural evolution of a relationship, which this fic does a great job of. Also if I were a student at Hogwarts, I would have thought Professor Blake and Professor Griffin were a couple the moment I stepped foot into the school.

starry eyes and galaxy minds (we’ll be dancing on the clouds at night) by @pawprinterfanfic Bellamy/Clarke, Rated M (One-Shot) If Bellamy were Spider-Man, I too would fall in love with him, solely based on his voice. When he removed his mask, him being incredibly attractive would just be an added bonus.

Eons With You by @she-who-the-river-could-not-hold Bellamy/Clarke, Rated G (One-Shot) Another great soulmate fic I stumbled upon! I feel like I’ve never gotten into soulmate AUs until this fandom, but that’s just truly the only way to describe what Bellamy and Clarke are to each other? So yeah, this one has reincarnation and the time periods that are in it are so vivid and great.

And in Other News... by @jeanie205 Bellamy/Clarke, Rated T (Multi-Chapter) News anchors! Who make the most perfect team on the planet! There’s some angst, but this is great fluff. And more bonus points for Clarke and Bellamy being idiots in love.

Rock Bottom by @detectivebellamyblake Bellamy/Clarke & Murphy/Raven, Rated E (Multi-Chapter) Wowee, I love so many things about this fic! Clarke and Murphy are my brotp, so I think that’s why I clicked on it to begin with. I hope to have a group of friends like this when I’m in my mid to late 20s, so I guess I’ve got a couple more years to get working on that. I also love that everyone ends up owning up to the shit they’ve done wrong and growing, which is something we don’t always get to see. And there are such cute moments between so many characters!

Burning Cities and Napalm Skies by @jarleene Murphy/Raven, Rated M (Multi-Chapter) Honestly, don’t remember how I found this one, but I’m so glad I stumbled upon it. I’m really only into Murven in AUs (as I’m low key Memori trash), but this fic just had me hooked. Also as someone who wondered if the show would ever question having to repopulate the human race, I was very on board with the concept. Dare I say bits of this more sense than the season 6 we were actually given?

feat. by Debate Murphy/Emori, Rated T (One-Shot) Please forgive the fact that I called myself Memori trash, yet there is only one Memori fic on this rec list. (But also, if anyone wants to rec me some Memori stuff, literally send it all my way!) I love musician AUs, so I was immediately sold on the idea of Murphy admiring Emori’s band’s music and wanting to write a song with her. It’s just so cute!

WIPs Not as many of these, because I can only follow along with so many unfinished things at a time, but these are ones I’ve been keeping up with!

If the Right One Came Along by @useyourtelescope Bellamy/Clarke, Rated M Another celebrity AU, with a side of friends with benefits! Bellamy is a famous historian, and I am here for that. Literally peak nerd, I’m so proud of him. I really enjoy Clarke and Bellamy’s dynamic as they have to figure out how to be friends again after naturally drifting apart when he moved away. And it feels like each subsequent chapter gets cuter!

All Because of You by @burninghoneyatdusk Bellamy/Clarke, Rated E It’s another best friend’s brother fic! This time with a pregnancy! I really enjoy that this story switches back and forth between the past and the present, so we get to see moments of Bellamy and Clarke when they were teenagers/baby adults, and we get to see them be amazing co-parents in the present as well.

The Hungry and The Hunted by @octaviadblake Bellamy/Clarke, Rated T As I said before, I love musician AUs, and I’m so absolutely pumped for more of this story. I’m a huge fan of Bellamy and Murphy’s dynamic. The 80s setting works really well, and I’m already preparing myself for the coming angst.

someone let the poets out by @kindclaws Bellamy/Clarke, Rated M Another actor AU! But this time, actors gone rogue! This fic is also really cool because it’s mixed media, so there’s little tweets and Tumblr posts and whatnot throughout, so I’ll give you the same recommendation the author does to not read this one on mobile.

That’s all I’ve got for now. But happy reading!

#the 100 #the 100 fanfiction #bellarke fanfiction #bellarke fic rec #the 100 fic rec #fic rec #this was fun to curate #and if anyone wants another at any point in time #hit me up and let me know

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goldvnby · 4 years ago

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EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK !! i’m literally soo excited rn can’t even use my words lol ! charles aka edward was the first skeleton i clicked on and i instantly knew i had to play him ( i love an asshole heheheheh ) ! anyway i’m madi i’m nineteen and i go by she/her !!

quick note: bc i’m using charles melton as a fc i changed his name from charles to edward ! just incase anyone is confused ! :-)

( charles melton, cismale, he/him ). hey, isn’t that [ EDWARD CHARLES SEONG ] walking down bennington street? i think the [ 28 ] YEAR OLD [ INVESTMENT BANKER ] is from [ WAITSFIELD, VERMONT ]. i’ve heard some rumors down at ginger’s, saying that they’re [ OBSTINATE & EGOCENTRIC ], but then again they’re known to be [ ASTUTE & MAGNETIC ]. either way, they seem to be interesting, hope they’ll stick around

so for this post i’m going to condense things into bullet points but if you would like to read the full bio you can find that here ! also if for some reason you want even more to look at i have a pinterest, playlist, and his stats u can peak at !

no thoughts head empty

uGH okay fine.

edward comes from an affluent family located in waitsfield, vermont. his father worked as an investment banker and although his mother didn’t necessarily have a “job” she was highly involved in the community. they were the type of people to flaunt their wealth, and they generally had a reputation in the town as being snooty and proud.

his childhood was cold. his parents spared no time or affection for the young boy, and due to his family’s negative reputation his social circle was relatively small. he did have the boisterous streak running through him from the start but he didn’t really become the social butterfly eddie we know and love until he went away to boarding school.

his parents went thru a messy messy divorce when he was a teen due to his fathers infidelity and most of his commitment issues stem from them oop.

his parents also put a Lot of pressure on him to be perfect.

at private school surrounded by nothing but other privileged rich kids he quickly discovered that being overly confident and obnoxious could actually get him all of the attention he craved in his childhood, and that’s when party boy edward was born. the schools didn’t like it though and he bounced from private school to private school across the eastern seaboard.

despite his antics he charmed most of his professors and did really well academically

after spending a gap year in europe he moved to new york city to study at columbia which is when he became suuuuper motivated. he wanted to be a nyc finance bro so bad and so he followed in his dads footsteps and studied finance.

he took all of his partying and shoved it into short but intense weekends, which rly just made it worse.

just before he graduated and entered the business world™ his father became the centre of a serious fraud case. it destroyed edward’s credibility and it took him years and a lot of work to get his career back on track ( he’s makin Coin now tho bbs don’t worry ). his dad is in prison but like,, don’t bring it up w edward hehe he’s sensitive abt it.

edward is very self destructive. the issues he has forming emotional connections and caring abt ppl paired with the massive pressure he puts on himself cause him to have a general disregard for his own life, and it shows.

he desperately craves attention and admiration and uses partying as a way to get it. partying is also pretty much his only copping mechanism, and its not a healthy one. he in a v bad cycle of his high stress work week and wild weekends.

( alcohol/smoking/drugs tw ) he is a heavy heavy drinker and also frequent user of party drugs ( coke and molly in particular ). he also was a smoker but recently quit when he started dating raph. ocassionally he’ll slip up and have a cig though. he’s also trying to party less now but with it being his only outlet for stress he def struggles with that.

bb has a looooooooooong kill list oops

v much a coffee addict, especially when he’s hungover, he has work to do after all.

can be v abrasive and argumentative, he’s v hard to get along w especially if you don’t know him well. loves a good debate hehe.

is actually a super loyal friend if he actually feels secure in the friendship, he just has a hard time trusting that ppl actually care abt him. will stick up for his friends sooo much. also just wants to make everyone have a good time. can be insensitive to ppls feelings though bc he always thinks he knows best.

his biggest fear is becoming his father. that’s why he doesn’t do monogamous relationships bc it’s better to not try at all than to try and fail.

he’s a vvvvvv lonely person, even when surrounded by friends : (

wears a lot of suits. if he isn’t wearing a suit he’s wearing boat shoes, khakis, and a pastel button up bc he’s a preppy ass pos

i hate him sm

he’s so cocky ew

likes picking up the tab for his friends bc he knows he’s a lil rich bitch who can afford it hehe.

almost exclusively eats take out, does not know how to cook for himself. yet is still somehow in perfect shape ????

has really bad insomnia. will often be up all night and just distracting himself with whatever work he can find.

literally work hard play hard that’s him.

reads the newspaper every morning, esp the finance section obvi

drives a vintage mercedes convertible that Guzzles gas. he loves it but doesn’t get to drive it enough bc theres no point w city traffic. loves getting the chance to drive out of the city, he speeds v bad tho.

#only ten years later #laughtrackintro

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inuwritesstuff · 4 years ago

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Performance of a Lifetime :: PART SIX

Actor AU! Kuroo x Reader

Reader is female

WC: 1473 Had this done for awhile now -sorry for being gone so long guys ;~; Cross posted on Ao3 PART FIVE

More time passed and it honestly didn’t feel like it. You had been spending more and more time with Kuroo during the past weeks, getting ready for opening night. And sometimes you just hung out and had take out. Tonight was one of those nights. You laughed at the tv show you had randomly put on. “Gooooood god this show is so bad. “ you laughed, curling up closer to Kuroo. He snorted and wrapped his arms around your shoulders. “I know. I hate watching this show but honestly it gives me a good laugh.” He adjusted the food container on his lap and continued to eat as you got comfortable against him.

He wasn’t bad. At all. You guys actually got along well when you let him actually get in close. And Kenma was fun to tease when he was home. Currently you guys had Kuroo’s house all to yourself because Kenma was out with a friend of his. You weren’t sure when he was coming home but you really didn’t care much since Kenma was an adult and could take care of himself. You looked up at Kuroo as he continued to laugh at the show. Oh. Oh.

You knew this feeling well. You felt it around Koutarou Bokuto. Nope you… You couldn’t have budding feelings for Kuroo!! That wasn’t allowed. You wanted to run. Get away from him. But at the same time it was nice to hang out with him. He was a lowkey guy instead of how high energy Bokauto was. You looked at your phone and saw you had a message from Bokuto himself. You opened your phone and stared at the screen. Text from Owl Head> YOOOOOOOOOOO GUESS WHO GOT HIMSELF A BOYFRIENDDDDD FINALLLY!! Text from Owl Head > oh shit y/n sorry that was meant for Kuroo.

Text from Owl Head > I mean you can know too. Just dont tell alot of people. Keiji wants it lowkey. Keiji? That was Akaashi. They are dating now?? You didn’t know how to react. Maybe you should have seen it coming with how the two acted whenever you came over. Bokuto was always all over Akaashi. Kuroo brushed his fingers under your eyes and pulled you in closer. “Wanna tell me why you’re crying? Or do you just want me to distract you?” “You can look at your phone.” You muttered,wiping your tears away and looking away from him. “Huh? “ He glanced at his phone and made a soft sound of understanding. “Hey. You had to see it coming right? Akaashi and Bokuto have known each other since high school if not longer. Bokuto has been all over Akaashi since we met.” “You’re not helping.” You muttered placing your food on the coffee table in front of you and curling up into a ball into Kuroo’s side.

“They made you cry. But that will end tonight. You are the only right about this broken world. Go on and cry~.” “You are a dork oh my god stop singing.” You laughed , pushing him softly while still curled up to him. “Made you laugh at least. Look at me Y/N.” you looked up at him and his eyes looked so soft. “You’re gonna be okay. Besides I’m a bit mad at him now too. Why did he text you first and not me?” He chuckled and kissed your forehead before freezing like it hit him what he just did. “Kuroo. Did you just really do that?” You asked, sniffling and wiping your eyes again to look at him with cleared eyes. He closed his eyes and sighed. “Uh yeah. Was kinda hoping you wouldn’t mention it but ya know. You never do anything I want.” he joked.You watched his features and curled up to him closer, hand grabbing his shirt and holding onto him. “I’ll let it slide for now. Let’s just watch the dumb singing show and forget about the world.” “Sounds good to me.” He whispered, holding onto tight. You didn’t know when you fell asleep but you did wake up sometime in the morning to Kenma coming home. You wearily waved at him at with barely opened eyes. He waved back, looking so uncomfortable, and grabbed a blanket from the closet and drapped it over you and Kuroo.

"Nice to see you Y/N." He muttered as he headed into his room. You looked up with squinted eyes at kuroo- or tried to as he was laying half on top of you. You hummed softly, so dreadfully tired. You drifted back off to sleep and curled up closer to Kuroo.

In the morning you woke up to the smell of food. "Kei are you making me food?" You muttered rolling off the couch. Oh ouch. This wasn't your bed - right you slept over at Kuroo's… who was then making food?

"...Y/N… you okay?" Kenma was the answer as he walked out of the kitchen, staring down at you with a blank face. Kenma rolled his eyes as you nodded slowly. "You are so odd Y/N. Just as bad as Kuroo." He muttered walking back into the kitchen. You scrambled to sit up and climbed back onto the couch.

Kuroo was still sleeping. The rare few times you passed out at his house or vice versa at your house he was always awake before you. It was nice to see he actually slept.

You curled up to him and smiled softly. He was warm. Nice and warm. Maybe some extra sleep wouldn't be too bad. You shifted so you were laying on his lap and closed your eyes.

Too bad sleep wouldn't come to you. Because the moment you had laid down kuroo decided it was perfect time to wake up.

"Y/N… you're so cute…" he whispered , moving your hair out of your face before you rolled over and looked up at him.

"I'm not asleep Kuroo."

"I know." He smiled and stuck out his tongue. "You snore."

"I DON'T SNORE!" You yelped slapping your hand over your chest in an offended manner.

"Kenma she snores right?"

"Don't get me involved with your marriage dispute. Or I'll eat all of your breakfast. Both of you." He grumbles from the kitchen.

Marriage dispute? You chuckled and rolled your eyes.

"If this is a marriage dispute I want a divorce."

"No. You are stuck with me." He teased as he flicked your forehead. "Sorry Y/N. I'm such a bad husband. Making our child cook breakfast for us."

"Kuroo for the last time I'm not your son!" Kenma snapped , peaking out around the kitchen. "Stop lying to people."

"You hear that Y/N? He's disowning me. What a bad son." He teased his friend more making you laugh more.

“Son please. Behave for your father.” Kuroo’s eyes twinkled with joy as you played along with his joke. “Please son.” “I hate this family. I’m moving out.” Kenma grumbled, taking the plates of food to his room. You frowned and rolled off the couch onto your feet. “Kenma no come back. I want food.” You whined softly and walked into the kitchen and smiled seeing some food left. Oh he was that kind of friend okay. “Hey Kuroo. Do you want some eggs and rice?” You asked grabbing the left over plate and sat on his lap , him wrapping his arms around your waist as you passed him some food. Kenma walked out of his room and made a sound of disgust. “I’m telling Bokuto that my parents are making goo-goo eyes at each other.” He rolled his eyes and snapped a picture of the two of you, tapping his phone and showing his text conversation with Bokuto and him having sent the picture. “Kenma!” Both of you gasped trying to not drop the food in your lap. Kuroo groaned and threw his head back onto the back of the couch. “You ass. Bokuto is never going to let me live this down.” you groaned as well , slapping your forehead. Now to wait for the bombardment of texts from the owl man. You heard your phone angrily vibrate with text messages. Yep there it was. You sighed and rubbed your forehead. “Damnit. He’s dragged us into a group chat.” Kuroo groaned, having pulled out his phone and was currently scrolling through the messages. You glanced at the last message in this new group chat. Text from Owl Head > GROUP DATE!! DOUBLE DATE!!!! You cringed. A double date with the guy you had feelings for but him not being your date? Yikes. No thanks. Kuroo sighed and buried his face into your neck making your laugh from the soft feeling. “Damnit Kenma. We aren’t dating.” Kuroo chuckled softly. “Whatever Dad.” Kenma taunted with a monotone voice. “Now if you excuse me I have a stream to attend to.”

#Kuroo Tetsurou #kuroo x reader #Kuroo Tetsurou x Reader #kuroo tetsuro x reader #Kuroo Tetsurō

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wichols · 4 years ago

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My Feelings On Father’s Day

Father’s Day has always felt weird for me and let me tell you why. This is an extremely open conversation about my personal feelings on Father’s Day. I can imagine that there are others on this platform that feel similar. I want you to know that you are loved and no matter your relationship/or lack of a relationship with a parental figure does not change the validity of your feelings. Life is messy and complicated and something that I have learned is to embrace the mess and understand why I do the things I do. Hopefully by the end of this post we can understand a little bit better about the struggles some of us have on days like Mother’s/Father’s Day. I will be mentioning some things that might be triggering to some so if you are triggered by mentions of childhood trauma or discussions of dysfunctional families please go ahead and keep scrolling for your own mental health. My parents divorced when I was young, like really young. I was about 3. Now I know what you are thinking “Wichols? You were so young you wouldn’t remember anything from that time.” Let me tell you, because it happened so young it shaped and push my dominant personality qualities that I have to this day. I am an empath (ENFP). I am swayed by the feelings of those around me. I was told that most of my childhood during that time was spent crying. Why? Because the household I was living in was unsettled. I still have coping mechanisms that I still use today. I surround myself with blankets when I feel emotionally compromised among other my personal things that I do to self soothe. I cry, a lot. Like if I am not settled somewhere between a 4-6 with my emotions then I am crying. If I am happy I cry. If I am sad I cry. I just cry, it helps. Sometimes I induce crying just so I can feel better. After many situations between myself and my bio dad our relationship is forever fractured. It has been about 5 years since I have actually spoken to him. Our love languages are different and because of the toxic history between us, I think we have mutually decided that not pursuing a relationship with each other is for the best. Let’s add another layer of complexities. My mom dated someone for a while and they one thing that came from that relationship was the fact that, that person abused my mom and took advantage of the situation. Another male figure that was supposed to be positive turned out to be toxic. Another layer shall we? (Trigger Warning: Molestation) Shortly after the breakup we moved into a smaller place and as I recall what few memories I have at that time it was not long before we moved again. My mother remarried again and we moved to a new city. The new guy seemed like a nice person and he even had two children that would stay with us. This marriage lasted about 3-4 years. Living in that time his leaving seemed abrupt but looking back the reasons were clear. He was running away because he was trying to hide from the fact that he had used me for his own pleasures. I remember one distinct time that something happened but everything else around that time his disappeared from my memories. Because I was still so young (they were married between the end of 2nd grade year to about 4th grade) I didn’t understand what was actually happening. We became homeless for a while and eventually we moved into an old house. It wasn’t till about 5th grade that I had told my mom what happened but by that time it was too late to press charges. Now I live everyday remembering almost nothing from my childhood because of this event. I have giant dark areas in my memories because my brain has blocked out everything surrounding each time of trauma. My Wedding Day Let me give you a little peak into the different dynamics between my bio dad and my step dad. And the perfect way to describe this is through the Father/Daughter Dance. Because of the complicated relationships with mine and my husband’s families we decided to combine the Father/Daughter and Mother/Son. One song for all. Now, my mother walked me down the isle and I felt like it was only right to keep this piece of wedding tradition in. My relationship with my bio dad had been okay at this point so I decided that I would honor him with this dance. But I also felt like my step father deserved some time with me during this time. So I split up the dance between them. I would dance with my bio dad the first half and then surprise my step dad and ask him to dance. The dance with my bio dad made me kind of mad if I am honest. He made it about himself. I know the things he was doing were from a good place but it was actually really hurtful. I have pictures of my dance with him where I am crying. From an outsider’s perspective it would seem that our relationship is close but when I look back at that dance I am bitter. I’m bitter because he claimed that he was losing his baby girl. But not two years prior he ended a phone call with me where he said, “If you want to communicate with me further you will have to be the one to call because I will not be.” He had made it clear in that call that he no longer wanted to put forth effort and that in defending himself he pounded in the idea that I was going to have to be the adult in that situation. So for me to hear the words he said on my wedding day compared to the words that I held in my heart were conflicting. Now to my step dad. Once I got into college our relationship balanced out and we really started getting close to each other. A couple months ago I had a Facebook memory pop up with I shouted him out for sitting and watching a chick flick with me while I was home. We have a pretty playful relationship and I have really come to care for him. Now I don’t always know what to call him I know that I am attached to him (sometimes I call him step dad, his actual name, or dad). He was surprised when I sent my bio dad and walked over to ask him to dance with me. And I loved that dance with him! We laughed, and dipped, and smiled the whole time. And I have pictures of his dumb face smiling from ear to ear while we danced. I look back at them and laugh. Two very different people with two different reactions. I have had other people throughout my life that I have placed upon the pedestal of fatherly figures and I am forever grateful to those who stepped up. Older male relationships are hard for me to navigate. I am a midwest gal at heart so we don’t want to offend or exclude anyone ever and coupled with my own personality quirks it makes it 100% more complicated navigating how to express the appropriate feelings on days such as today. Add social media pressures and current events into the mix and it leaves me crippled. So today I will be filled with anxiety and swirling thoughts of the past. I will wrap myself up with blankets and practice any form of escapism to ease the weighty burden of expectations. Today is not a fun day. Today is a reminder of all the broken things that have happened. Today’s expectations will cripple me emotionally. But today I will also try my best to be gentle with myself. I will try to understand my feelings better. I will allow myself to feel something. Whatever the status of your relationship with your father figures in your life just know that you are not alone with navigating difficult relationships. Appreciate the positive moments and do what you can. You are seen and you are valued. You cannot make everyone happy. But what you can do is show love to those who have shown you love. TL:DR- Father’s day is complicated when you have emotional baggage. Just know that you are not alone with your struggles. You are not less of a person because of the status of your parent’s relationship with each other. But Happy Father’s Day to those who have stepped up. It takes a special person to love another child like their own.

#person post #father's day

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euphoric-melancholyy · 5 years ago

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The Secrets We Keep

I’m on a personal vendetta against “May’s abusive boyfriend” trope so I thought it would be fun to give May a really awesome, loving boyfriend who’s just a little confused as to why she lets her teenage son stay out til 1 every night and sleep somewhere else every weekend. Also, he’s friends with Tony Stark? Chris - May’s new boyfriend - feels like he’s missing something here.

I’m posting this instead of a fic rec today

Also on Ao3 and Fanfiction.net

May Parker hadn’t planned on stepping back into the dating scene, but then again she hadn’t planned on most of the important life events that seemed to shape her. His name was Chris. He was handsome, tan with dark hair and scruff that couldn’t quite be called a beard yet, and hooded green eyes that all the hospital patients commented on. Chris worked alongside her at Queens Memorial, exchanging quips about 90s pop culture and recipes to actually cook for Peter. He cared for his patients with a rare sensitivity to their needs, always trying to brighten their day and learn a little bit about what makes them happy. Like her, he was a widower, having lost his wife eight years prior to cancer. And she hadn’t planned on him crashing her little bubble, being a balm for the isolation of raising a super-powered kid who seemed to attract danger like a magnet. Not that she could tell Chris that.

But even so, he soothed her worries when Peter was out on patrol and being with him felt like relearning how to breathe. It felt euphoric, and scary and soothing and exciting all at once. She wasn’t sure when she had last smiled as much as she did when Chris entered the picture. It didn’t go unnoticed by Peter either, her newfound giddiness after long days at work now more commonplace than exhaustion.

After three dates, she tells her nephew, nervously twirling spaghetti around her fork as she awaits his reaction.

His eyes brighten as she speaks and he puts down his fork, eagerly leaning forward as she tells him about the Italian dinner he made for them on their last date. “That’s great, May! As long as you’re happy, I’m happy. I know Ben would feel the same way, by the way."

Peter’s lips are pressed together in a soft smile and she’s not sure why she’d been so worried to tell him. Pride overwhelms her in that moment, of who he is and his kindness, his inability to let the little guy suffer when he knows he can help. She might not love that he’s risking his life as Spider-Man, but she can still be proud of him for it. It coils in her chest with the near constant ebb of fear, but it’s warm and inviting and she’s not sure how she got to raise the best kid in the universe.

"He’d be so proud of you, Pete.” She beams at him before eating a forkful of spaghetti. “Spider-kid.”

“It’s Spider-Man, May.” He protests. “You sound like Mr. Stark when you make those nicknames.”

“Oh, we can’t have me sounding like him, now can we?”

“You already tag team me like divorced parents who stay friends, so I don’t see why not.”

“It’s called co-parenting,” she responds and Peter rolls his eyes.

“So when can I meet this Chris?” Peter asks and she doesn’t even try to stifle her smile at his eagerness. She might not be able to help him with homework or any of his Spider-Man activities, but this - this she can handle.

-/-/-

They set ground rules. The first and most important rule is that Chris can’t know Peter’s Spider-Man, at least not for awhile. It means Peter can’t leave his suit lying around or continue crawling on the ceiling out of boredom or stress or whatever reason he decides it’s a better place to pace than the floor.

They also agree not to tell Chris that he spends half his week with the Tony Stark.

(“People at school already tease me about it being fake and I don’t care, but…it isn’t normal for a random teenager to just hang out with Mr. Stark. And what if he connects Spider-Man? Then that puts him in danger too and I just, I- I don’t want him to know yet May.”)

This is a secret May still thinks she can handle — at least, for a time. If asked, she says that Peter has an internship with Happy Hogan.

And, in some weird twist of fate he never wants to experience again, Peter finds himself giving the talk. He’s beat red the whole time, cheeks flushed as he stammers through his explanation.

(“May, I-I have enhanced senses and um, I can hear your heartbeat. And I can hear a - hear a conversation happening two blocks over right now. So like, if - if he’s gonna spend the night, or something, please for the love of my innocence, let me be at the Compound. Or- or just tell me. I need a heads-up.”

“If your hearing is actually that good, I’m sure you’ve heard worse.”

“Yeah, but not from you and I never want to.”)

-/-/-

The second rule is broken three weeks after Peter meets Chris. Though they get along famously, Peter usually isn’t around when Chris is at the apartment. It isn’t planned, he’s just busy and overcommitted. At this point, it’s only his third time being in the older man’s presence.

They’re all at the table together, eating lasagna that Chris had made when Tony knocks on the door and May answers.

“Ah, Ms. Parker, lovely to see you as always. Mind if I borrow Peter for a few days? It’s for,” he glances at Chris and gives a signature fake smile and nod, “Internship stuff.”

“Uh, Mr. Stark, what are you - what are you doing here?” Peter asks, his voice getting higher the more he talks. “I thought Happy was coming, not that it isn’t great to see you. It is I just - I-”

“Happy’s in the car, kid.” Tony says, smiling to himself at Peter’s nervous rambling.

May sighs and side steps, inviting him in while Peter gets a bag together. “If anything happens to my kid Stark, I will personally come and kill you. FRIDAY will let me in and you won’t even see it coming.” She keeps her face stern for a moment, then breaks into a wide grin. “Chris, meet Tony Stark. Tony meet Chris."

Chris is unsurprisingly starstruck and confused, stumbling over his words in a way that May finds to be the most adorable thing she’s ever seen. "Hi, uh, hi. You’re I-You’re here? And you’re Iron Man. And Peter?” he stops mid-ramble and extends his hand. Tony takes it. “It’s nice to meet you, Mr. Stark.”

“Likewise. Peter’s told me a lot about you. Speaking of, kid, hurry up. I don’t have all day."

Peter runs back into the common area, backpack in tow and wearing his suit, sans mask, under his clothes. The red spandex peaks out at his wrists. Tony cocks an eyebrow at his protege.

"What?” the teen asks.

“Nothing. Let’s go."

Peter kisses May on the cheek, promising to be safe and update her three times a day, before following his mentor out the door.

-/-/-

The next night, they’re curled up on the couch together with May’s head on Chris’s chest and legs intertwined. The news plays softly in the background but May isn’t really paying attention.

"So when were you gonna tell me that you’re BFFs with a billionaire? With Iron Man himself?” Chris asks, running his fingers through her hair. There isn’t anything accusatory in his tone and May cuddles closer to him.

“We’re not BFFs. He mentors Peter sometimes with… science stuff. It all goes over my head. Peter asked me not to mention it. He doesn’t like drawing attention to himself."

"And Iron Man just whisked Peter off to. . ?” he lets his question trail off.

“Some nerdy science conference in Italy.”

“Damn, that’s-” he pauses, looking at the TV and pointing. On the screen, there’s a breaking news alert about The Avengers fighting another alien army, because apparently normal villains went out of style in 2012. “Wait, that Italy?"

She sees Peter, Spider-Man, next to The Hulk, Iron Man flying above as they fight off their oppressors. Everyone’s there - Cap and Widow and Iron Patriot and Hawkeye, but they are pulled away to another part of the fight. They’ve been fighting for at least half an hour when she watches as Spider-Man is thrown into a building. The bricks break with the impact and it begins to cave and she swears she stops breathing for a moment. It’s another five minutes before she sees him again, red and blue swinging around and webbing up the aliens. Iron Man fires his repulsors at the last big baddie and Hulk smashes their foe’s head half a dozen times.

"Don’t worry. I’m sure Peter’s fine,” Chris offers, his voice low and serious. “He’s at a conference, not fighting these monsters."

"Yeah.” It’s barely above a whisper and she takes out her phone when she gets a message from Peter.

Don’t worry. I’m okay. It’s gonna take more than that to take me out. Tony is going all “dad mode” on me. It’s embarrassing.

May looks up to the TV to see Iron Man cradling an injured Spidey and flying them to their jet. She smiles and types out a response.

I can see that. You did great, Pete. Take an ice bath or something, that looked like it hurt. Love you.

“He’s fine,” she says, grabbing the remote and turning off the TV.

“Told you,” Chris quips, leaning in to kiss her. It’s soft and it calms her nerves in a way she can’t explain. “So, you know Iron Man, but who’s your favorite Avenger?”

“I’m partial to Spider-Man. He is Queens’ local vigilante after-all."

"May Parker, a Spider-Man fan,” he teases. She throws a pillow at him.

-/-/-

“Shouldn’t Peter be home by now?” Chris asks one night. May glances at the time on her phone. It reads 12:33 a.m.

“He has until 1 a.m.”

“Isn’t that kinda late? I mean he’s only sixteen - he could get seriously hurt out there. Or partying and drinking his weight in-”

“He’s fine, Chris. Peter’s a good kid. I trust him.” She looks towards his bedroom door. It’s shut so he can just silently swing in. The crime has been quieter lately - thank god. No alien attacks or evil mutant who has it out for her kid. “His curfew goes back to 11:30 once school starts up."

Chris looks skeptical, but he’s not about to tell her how to raise her nephew. "Whatever you say.”

-/-/-

Peter’s body aches, muscles throbbing with the all-enveloping pain of post battle. Blood trickles down from around his left eye, which is now swollen shut. He cries, a short high pitched wince as he comes back into consciousness, his body pressing against a pile of rubble.

A sharp pain erupts at his most definitely broken ribs and he bites down another cry. He could hear someone calling his name in the distance, their voice muffled as if they were screaming underwater.

“Peter! Spider-Man!"

Peter groans, opening his eye as he tries to recall where he is but there’s a glint of red and gold blocking his sight.

"T'ny?”

“Yeah, bud. You blacked out there for a few minutes and I thought I’d come get you.”

“I’m o-” His word is caught on a hiss of pain as Tony lifts him into his arms and Peter curls into himself. “Shit.”

“Maybe don’t become a ragdoll for steampunk Ursula next time, okay?”

“Wha?”

“Otto Octavious - madman with mechanical arms. I’ll explain it to you when you’re more coherent. Pretty sure you have a concussion.”

Peter wakes later in the dim light of the medbay. Mr. Stark sits in a recliner next to him, checking and promptly ignoring his emails. Peter’s head throbs, his left eye still swollen shut, his body aching, but it’s duller than before, the pull of drugs making his mind fuzzy. He’s been stripped of his suit and looks down to find he’s wearing an old MIT hoodie of Tony’s and…his Hello Kitty pajama pants, great.

“Four broken ribs, a concussion, a skull fracture, and of course there’s that eye - I’ll get you an eye patch and you can cosplay as Nick Fury.” Tony remarks, looking to the kid.

“Better that than these pajamas. Really, Mr. Stark?”

“Punishment for scaring the shit out of me,” he says with a smirk, but the rest of his face betrays his cool demeanor. There’s worry lines etched into his expression that furrow his brow and dark bags under his eyes. His hair is disheveled and Peter has the urge to reach out and fix it, but decides that would be weird. It’s strange to see his mentor like this, so unguarded and worried, and not TV ready. Tony isn’t even trying to hide it, which seems to be the worst part for Peter. He hates that he caused this.

“I’m sorry. Thanks, for - for saving me.” Peter says with a sheepish smile.

“Don’t mention it,” Tony says, reaching a hand out to ruffle his hair. Peter leans into the touch. “Actually do. Please mention it to your lovely Aunt. She gets off at two tonight so I’m gonna drive you back. Don’t worry, I’m sending some Captain America level narcotics with you for all that,” his hand makes a circle in the air, gesturing to Peter’s everything.

Peter gets home at 1:45, the hood of Tony’s sweatshirt pulled over his head in a sad attempt to hide his eye and some dry blood caked into his hairline. The smell of homemade pizza overwhelms his senses before he even walks in the apartment. It’s odd, May rarely cooks especially in the middle of the night.

“Hey hon,” Chris calls as Peter walks through the door. He’s standing in the kitchen, looking in the oven. “I thought I’d make you some dinner befo- oh my god Peter!”

Peter freezes, trying to stifle the panic that’s bubbling in his chest. Chris is already by his side less than a second later, hesitantly pushing the hood off Peter’s head and examining his eye with a concerned what the hell happened?

“Uhh…I was jumped? Yeah. Jumped. I was jumped.”

Chris considers him for a minute, soft gaze searching Peter’s in a way that makes him uncomfortable, like he’s learning something new. “C’mere,” Chris’s says, voice low and laced with so much concern that Peter doesn’t even protest as he follows him to the couch.

“I already went to the doctor. Mr. Stark took me. Really Chris, it’s okay. I’m fine.”

“Even if you already went, I’m worried and I’m a doctor, and I’d feel a lot better if you let me look. Please, Peter.”

The way he says Peter, it’s not unlike how Tony says his name sometimes, like a whispered prayer for him to be okay, and it breaks his resolve. Slowly, Peter lifts the hoodie over his head and tosses it to the floor. Chris gasps and it’s full of surprise and fear and all the emotions Peter wanted to avoid for at least a week, and Peter chances a look down. His torso is littered in bruises of varying shades and there’s a cut along his stomach. He can feel the medicine Dr. Cho gave him wearing off and it hurts.

“Pete,” the older man whispers, hands held in suspension above Peter’s ribs, like he wants to touch them but he’s terrified of causing anymore pain. “Your ribs…You-”

“They’ll be fine in a few days. I have a concussion too, so can I just,” Peter sighs, resting his head against the back of the couch. It’s soft and comforting and he’s just so ready for this day to be over. “Go to bed, please?”

The door opens in that moment and May walks in. She’s wearing blue scrubs and her hair is tied in a loose ponytail. Immediately she locks eyes with Peter, and her face crumbles as she rushes over. “Peter, baby! I- Tony said you were in a fight, but this…”

“I’m fine, May. Really. It really wasn’t a big deal. It’s not even worth worrying over.”

May shoos Chris to the side and sits down in between them. Her eyes run over Peter in a professional way, ending on his swollen eye. One of her hands goes to cup his cheek, “Okay, first off you cannot possibly say it’s not a big deal when you look like this. What did Dr. Cho say?” Her thumb brushes over his temple and a scowl replaces her worried look. As if wanting to prove her point, a gut-clenching pain shoots through him and he pulls his knees to his chest, sucking in air when his ribs protest painfully.

“A couple of broken ribs, skull fracture…” Peter whispers, wishing his metabolism didn’t work its way through all the painkillers in five minutes.

“And a concussion,” Chris reminds, his hand resting on May’s knee.

They look like a team, Peter thinks, and May’s presence had calmed Chris’s erratic heartbeat the moment she came home. The idea elicits pangs of guilt on top of everything - guilt at the lies he and May have concocted to keep his identity of Spider-Man safe. He wonders how hard it’s been on May and Chris’s relationship, how many white lies she’s had to tell, but he pushes the thought down and focuses on the throbbing in his head instead. At least that can be dealt with, he thinks, and asks May to get his medicine from his backpack. She hands it to him with a sad gleam in her eyes. It makes him want to crawl under the nearest blanket and hide from their sympathetic glances.

“Really May, it’s nothing I can’t handle. Just everyday stuff,” Peter tries to reassure her.

“Peter, you were jumped,” Chris says, his tone serious. “That’s not an everyday thing, or at least I hope not. It’s a big deal and it’s scary. Your ribs are broken for god’s sake. Your eye is swollen shut. I just-” Chris pauses, looking down at the cut along Peter’s ribs. May’s brows furrow in confusion at the mention of Peter being jumped, but she quickly schools her expression.

May sighs. “We’ll let you get some rest, okay superhero?” She offers her hand to help Peter get up. He takes it and stands. “Call if you need anything. We’ll be right here.”

“Thanks May. Thank you, Chris.”

He’s asleep not even ten minutes later, lulled by the concerned whispers of May and Chris from two rooms over. When he wakes the next morning, his body is sore, but his eye is almost back to normal.

-/-/-

Five months have passed when May wakes to the shrill of “Iron Man” by Black Sabbath playing from her phone at 3 a.m. Peter had thought it’d be funny to set it as her ringtone for when Tony called and she never got around to changing it back. Her bedroom is coated in darkness, save for the light from her phone and she squints at it. Chris is wrapped around her like a koala, arm slung over her stomach and lips pressed to the back of her shoulder.

“ ‘Ello,” she yawns as she answers, her eyelids drooping and the remnants of sleep threatening to pull her back in.

“May,” Tony’s says, his voice serious and raw with emotion that she’s never heard from the billionaire and it scares her, wiping away all the tiredness and replacing it with fear. May shoots out of bed, trying to keep her breath even but it fails. “Peter’s alive, first off, so don’t worry about that. He’s okay, kind of, well, he will be. He’s - he was shot earlier on patrol - twice. The damn kid. And Happy is on his way to get you, he should be there in ten minutes, so-”

“Peter was shot?” she whisper-screams, the words knocking the air from her lungs. And she can’t help it, the way her mind immediately goes to Ben on that fateful night, Peter at the police station covered in her late husband’s blood, silent sobs racking his body. The edges of a panic attack seeps in at the memory and her heart is going to beat out of her chest and she can’t breathe, she can’t breathe, can’t breathe, can’t-

She hears someone call her name, but she isn’t sure where she is anymore, and her mind takes her back to that first night without him, an inconsolable Peter wrapped around her muttering apologies between broken sobs. Peter didn’t go to sleep until noon the next day. She’s at Ben’s funeral, and there’s flowers everywhere - bright and vibrant and sickening wisps of color among black suits and dresses and her husband’s cold body. Everyone comes up and shakes her hand, offering words of comfort and food, but she doesn’t want any of it. Peter’s at her side and she squeezes his hand, tries to reassure him (and herself) that it’ll be okay. Peter nods, his eyes red and his motions slow and robotic and Peter-

Peter. This is about Peter. Peter’s been shot.

Her world comes back into focus and she sees Chris kneeling in front of her, sleep mussed hair and wide green eyes full of concern. His thumb wipes at a tear on the apple of her cheek and she presses the phone to her ear. Tony is still talking, telling her to breathe and that Peter’s okay and Happy’s almost there.

“I’m sorry,” she chokes out a sob. “Tony, I…”

“It’s okay. He’s gonna be okay. He has to be okay,” he pauses. “Do you want me to stay on the line?”

She leans her head on Chris and her eyes flutter closed. He wraps his arms around her and it’s grounding. Peter’s alive. Peter isn’t Ben. Peter’s alive. She repeats it over and over, a silent mantra and she realizes both Chris and Tony are waiting for a response. “I…” she speaks into her phone. “Chris is here. I- I’m okay,” May hangs up and turns her attention to Chris.

“Peter was shot. He - I have to go. I - Happy, he’s outside I gotta-”

“Let me go with you,” Chris says. And god, she wants him too. She wants to curl into his side in the car and tell him everything, but she knows she can’t do that to Peter. Not right now. He asked her to keep his identity safe, to keep Chris safe, and that’s the least she can do when her nephew is out saving the world every night.

“I need you to stay at the apartment, please I- I know you want to come, but I need you here. I’ll be back in a few days. I just - I’m sorry, I need to go.” She kisses him, soft and quick and rushes out the door before he can protest.

-/-/-

Unable to process the night’s frightening turn of events, Chris is left standing at the doorway. He had called multiple hospitals looking for Peter, but none of them seemed to have anyone that matched his description. It wasn’t until May called the next morning saying that Peter was okay and recovering at the Avengers Compound, that he figured out why.

Why is he at The Avengers Compound, May? That’s insane he had said, but she acted as if it was normal, saying that Tony preferred treating him there. When he asked about what happened, she said it was an unfortunate wrong place, wrong time, but that it didn’t matter now because he was okay.

Now, five days later, Peter and May were coming home. He waits inside the apartment for them, pacing the living room as he cleans the countertops for the seventh time in the few days they’ve been gone. He can hear laughter down the hall and it takes him a moment to realize it’s them. Peter is rambling excitedly about something - he can’t tell what - and he stops as the door opens. What he doesn’t expect is to see Tony Stark behind her, his arm around Peter’s shoulder, beaming at a perfectly healthy, energetic kid. It throws him for a loop how domestic they look.

Like a family.

And that’s when it hits him. The internship, the nights at the Compound, the easy banter, Stark taking care of him after he’s injured. Chris pauses his inner monologue, sweeping the group from head to toe with his gaze. “Wait…Is Peter Tony’s secret son or something?”

Fin

#irondad fic #spiderson fic #irondad and spiderson #iron dad and spider son #peter parker #tony stark #alex writes #my writing #let me know if you like this please #may parker #in this house we love and respect aunt may #irondad and spiderson fic #iron dad and spider-son

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antique-darling · 5 years ago

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12 steps backwards

Hi, I’m Carys and I’m an alcoholic.

It started the same way as practically everyone else; understanding the intoxicating beauty of alcohol, a true social lubricant - and a firm willing suspension of disbelief that it’ll ever happen to you.

The whole sordid affair began around Christmastime 2006. I was extremely young and very beautiful, and dressed the part of a perfect outcast with my various studs and spikes, my facial piercings mostly resembling that of one who has headbutted a box of map pins. But I was horrifically shy, the shackles of post-puberty still lingering.

We’re in the UK, so I was handed a bottle of Smirnoff Ice at a house party. The more I drank, the more confident I became. I felt vibrant and stunning, although I was most likely being annoying. Even caught myself my first boyfriend that night, something which I’d never successfully been able to do. I managed to forget the two-day hangover which ensued.

Thus began a bitter relationship with alcohol, my best friend of over a decade who betrayed me, in the end.

I lived a 3-minute walk away from my high school, so I would frequently nip home at lunch to swindle some booze my mum had unsuccessfully ‘hidden’ away. She worked every weekday, and my parents had just separated at this point, which definitely made the whole debacle easier. In retrospect, the separation and eventual divorce probably affected me more than I realised.

A string of failed relationships, including an engagement, before I’d even turned 18 shaped me more into this polyp of self-loathing, and a glass of wine would ease the hatred a little more, or I’d down a bottle of something stronger.

By the time I’d reached 16, I decided that I was an adult, and panicked because I wasn’t getting pregnant. Somehow, in my mind, I neglected to recall that stress and abusing alcohol is the opposite of a good environment for a foetus. Over the past decade, I’ve lost count of the number of dead babies to drop out of me.

I’m fairly certain I fell in love with the devil when I was 17. He was strong and handsome, and an alcoholic himself. Although at this time, my true alcoholism had not yet fully manifested. This man made it a reality.

He told me to stop taking my pill because it was making me “moody”. I acquiesced, assuming I was barren anyway. Discovering I was around 6 weeks pregnant was a shock, to say the least.

I was still in school and he was jobless due to a health condition I like to call chronic laziness and taking all of my money to supplement his drug and alcohol habits. I’d been in abusive relationships before him, and they’re honestly what I probably deserve. I’m constantly drawn to the same sorts of people, despite my better judgment. The problem, therein, lies in me.

But this man was king. I have endured nothing like the hell he dragged me through since.

So, the option he gave me was crystal clear; “it’s not very nice being a single mum”. I had just turned 18, and I was so very vulnerable. I had already been corrupted by the 4 men who had came before him, so my self-worth was absolutely nothing. Again, I acquiesced to his demands.

If I knew all those years ago what I know now, I would have left him and had my child. But he took my choice away from me, he forced a child into me and forced it back out again. He caused me to betray every part of my moral integrity, every single belief that I held dear. And it still feels, to this very day, as painful as it did in 2012. I wish I’d killed myself instead of my baby. I haven’t spoken to this man in many years, but he haunts me daily. The saddest truth is that I’m sure he doesn’t even remember I exist. I know he never loved me, but I loved him with a ferocity which I’ve not felt since.

And I so desperately wanted a child. I still do. It still won’t happen - I’ve cursed myself and I am dealing with the wrath of eternity. Hell is on earth and I have created it.

So, to absolutely no surprise to anyone, I hit the bottle hard after that. I had to take a week off after the abortion due to antibiotics and opioid painkillers, but the minute I could, I drowned.

After all, I was 18. I had a drinking permit.

I spent my entire university career after that point getting blind drunk daily. At my peak, I’d drink cheap bottled cider (but not Frosty Jack’s or White Lightning - I had some class) as if it was cola or something. I’d have wine on a Friday and Saturday night, typically two bottles, and a bottle of vodka every day. This went on for 5 years.

During this time I was engaged again, to someone I’d met at university. We were together for 4 years, living together, and I remember virtually nothing of the relationship. It was the longest relationship I had ever been in, and sometimes I forget his name. I certainly don’t remember what he looked like.

Naturally, that relationship broke down when, on the 11th of September 2018, I surrendered. My 12-year relationship with alcohol was over.

I would wake up next to my partner every day, and the more time I spent not drinking, the more I realised he was a total stranger in my bed. After a month of sobriety, I awoke to the fact I had absolutely no recollection of this person at all, apart from the two times we traveled to Belfast to see his family and friends. Even then, I only remember the actual traveling part.

We had to live together a month after we had separated, during which time he constantly demanded to know why I’d left him. Simply, “I sobered up”. He had been the most violent, piggish creature of all the men I had ever been with, memories which have only been returning to me in the past year. Sometimes I think, he wasn’t looking for a partner, he was looking for a sex slave. And he still wasn’t as bad as the devil of my younger years.

Probably ‘coz I was really drunk the whole time.

So I’m 16 months sober, as of Saturday of this month. I still can’t sleep, I still have headaches and I’ve put on so much weight I can barely recognise myself. It’s bittersweet. I have achieved great things in my life, but I feel like a stranger looking in. I feel like a confused 12-year-old, shy with no confidence and no place in the world. Like the degrees I have are someone else’s, and sure I have my graduation pictures but that’s a different me. That’s not me, surely. My day job is, ironically, bartending. I know I’m fantastic at my persona, but the customers see through the cracks. They’ll ask me “What’s the nicest x? What mixer goes with y?”, and I can never just say “oh, it’s z”, I always have to say “other people usually have this with z”.

I don’t keep my alcoholism a secret, and most of my regular customers know. And I’ll get the typical diatribe of “oh aren’t you strong and brave, working here and struggling with your recovery??”. I know they mean well, and it’s a lovely compliment to pay. But I don’t feel strong, although it is cathartic when I get to pour drinks away. I feel like a failure.

I am a fully qualified English teacher in the process of doing my Master’s degree. Staying up til 3am cleaning, after spending 6 hours serving poison to toxic people (although a lot of my regular customers are genuine angels), makes me believe that, despite my achievements on paper, that that is all I’m worth.

I want to end this monologue on a positive note. In over a year of sobriety, I have learned to go out with my friends, or hang out after work, and not feel so left out. Coffee is now a luxury, opposed to a brown liquid to fix my constant hangover. I even know when coffee tastes burnt now, which is something my former self would never have even considered. I’m eternally grateful for my family of Alcoholics Anonymous. I haven’t been to a meeting in months due to work and uni, but every time I manage to go, it’s as if I’d not missed a single one.

My family have been nothing but supportive, although my dad still doesn’t really understand it (we were great drinking buddies for a while). My friends are mainly my colleagues at work, and without their support I wouldn’t be alive, most likely. Also they will refuse to serve me alcohol - not that I’ve tried, but I’ve been told so, in order to continue supporting my recovery.

Since being sober, I’ve surrounded myself with good people. The bad things don’t seem so bad, and every day I’m working on hating myself less.

Alcohol and/or substance abuse feels like something that won’t happen to you. Unfortunately, it can happen to all of us, and so very quickly. Or, so slowly that you didn’t even register it until you’re sleeping on a bench in the middle of February.

There is help, free help, and there are probably millions of people suffering too. If you’re suffering, you’re not alone. You never have to be alone.

https://www.alcoholics-anonymous.org.uk/

https://www.samaritans.org/

#abuse #alcohlism #addicition #recovery

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caticornsrreal · 6 years ago

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Fighting Dragons with You

After twelve years, I'm finally telling the internet why I love Taylor Swift🖤

Hello, internet using world. I’d like to introduce myself to the few people who followed me. Hi! My name is Christa and I am a Taylor Swift fan with every fiber of my being. Full disclosure, this is a short novel so now is your chance to make an exit, but I hope you stay.

Taylor and my ridiculously furry cat, Lyle

(affectionately nicknamed “rent-free”), are the only two beings made of flesh and bone who have been consistent in my life for the last 12 years. With a close second being my son, Gauge, who just turned 10. I won’t get into the details (in this post) as to why that is, but let’s just say there were a lot of ups and downs growing up.

The last 12 years have been an evolution for Taylor,

and subsequently, for me. At (dare I say it)

38 years old, I’ve found that a lot of things happen in a decade. Like, A LOT. Now, I don’t feel 38. I guess I owe that to humor, singing, dancing, sarcasm, and launching a successful career that didn’t exist 15 years ago —something that has made me always push harder to set new goals and stay humble. But one thing I didn’t do over these last 12 years that I deeply regret was starting a fan page for Taylor. I mean, ESPECIALLY since I’m a professional travel blogger who makes her full time living from digital content!

There’s been a lot of momentum over the last 12 years

—demands which left me with little to no free time. But I can’t blame my absence from the Swiftie family entirely on that. In fact, I’d have to say, I blame much of it on fear.

Fear,

of being misunderstood, fear of judgment or writing something lame. I’ve had over 2,000 articles published online and in print as well as countless social posts, but the thought of Taylor seeing something I wrote and thinking it’s totally weird (or cough, too long for the internet), well let’s just say I’d be less afraid of walking into a burning building.

Fear,

of being called a fake because the financial demands as a single mom left me little money to spend on myself or Taylor merchandise, much less tickets to a show. I’ve always placed my son’s needs before mine.

Fear,

that I was too old to be a Taylor Swift fan. I mean, I was 26 when she hit the music scene and she was what, 16? I’ve been afraid. Afraid I would be rejected by other Swifties who really are the only people who understand this love we have for her —which is basically like being rejected by your own people. Also, it’s super weird to be following teens/young adults on social, much less engaging with them.

Fear.

Along with my fear, a perfect storm of entrepreneurial demands, single motherhood, failed relationships (one of which was a marriage), and family matters have served as a constant reminder that my dream of ever meeting Taylor takes residence on another planet. An actual trip to Mars seemed more attainable.

I feel like there is a whole demographic of women, “Swiftie Moms” who echo my story,

having watched Taylor grow into the strong beautiful woman she's become. Women my age who love her from behind the wheel of their SUV, on the way to drop their kids off to school, on the way back from a milk run, in the dark hours of the mornings when they’re dancing in the kitchen with a full on hair bun singing into a coffee spoon. Unnoticed fans who haven’t had the time to dive head first into the Swiftie Universe. But here I am. After all the fear and all the years...

So, why?

This is a hard one to answer. I guess you can say that after many years of challenges, judgment from others, and doing the complete opposite of what logic and reason said I should —divorce, single motherhood, a second degree in my late twenties... risking it all to start a blog (which by the way in 2013 wasn’t even considered a side job much less a career), I kind of got to a point where I became

fearless.

I had to be. I had this tiny living, breathing human being who was counting on me at the very least, to give him a life a notch above the shit show I had growing up. Not to mention parenting —which is basically wandless wizardry pulled directly from the asses of parents. It demands that your mini human grows up to be a better human than you.

Yeah, unpack that.

Take all your collective shit, figure it out, and then teach your mini to do it better —to BE better than you at love, kindness, respect for others (especially boys respecting girls), integrity, money, and to be fearless. All while giving them the comfort of knowing that you, mom, have it all figured out... even when that couldn't be farther from the truth.

Top that with the pressures of working in the public eye

—which, while on a microscopic level compared to a full-on celebrity such as Taylor, is still very much a juggling act with none of the entourage to lighten the workload. Add to it the demands of working with national brands, and the unwavering ability for other bloggers to tear you down at any opportunity, or even worse, try to get close to you so they can raid your success like a Black Friday sale.

I found myself at the peak of my blogging career

but I was consumed by fear, AGAIN! Fear of shady AF bloggers and publicists, and so much to lose. And fear that now, thousands of people would have an opinion of me formed by jealous bloggers, and they didn’t even know who I really was.

That’s when letting go of toxic people in my life became essential

—when, no matter who they were, or how I was tied to them, I had to realize that surrounding myself with the ones who lifted me took precedence over the ones who dragged me down.

After all that..... I learned to give zero f***s about what people thought, or what they said behind my back.

And I had to start caring about what made my heart happy, what made my family and friends smile, and what inspired me to do better. BE BETTER. Be the example of fearless, with the hope that I was lucky enough to stay that way. But I'm a vulnerable human made of heart and soul and sometimes people can still take the best from me.

I had to be fearless.

In August of 2017 when "Look What You Made Me Do” blessed my ears for the first time, I felt it pierce my skin and course through my veins. And to the very bones of this young 38-year-old Swiftie mom, I was shook AF! I sang, I danced and I drowned out the haters in the blogging world. She had a very clear message,

She had zero f***s to give, Taylor broke the internet.

After watching the seemingly endless myriad of shade thrown at Taylor over the years, my heart erupted with happiness as her flawless first single from Reputation revealed one BADASS BITCH. And with every music video release of her new era, she became a mythical Goddess with bullshit evaporating superpowers. Like, I legit think she’s an actual unicorn. After all, she does ride a caticorn named Olivia.

She got harder, she got smarter in the nick of time

One single post on my Facebook page praising her new era and new single she brought with it attracted a slew of hate speech, white people bashing, claims of Taylor ripping off Beyonce... I couldn’t believe the things I was reading from fellow bloggers. I even had a GLOBAL BRAND threaten my business relationship in their ambassador program because I stood up for Taylor and spoke out about the hate speech which was placed on my own personal Facebook page. But I stood by my words.

Fearless.

Over the following months into early 2018, and to the tune of, “This is Why We Can't Have Nice Things”, I, along with a slew of about 20 other bloggers, ended up taking down said global brand’s publicist who was using his budget and power to demean and sexually harass female bloggers (which would later reveal that blacklisting me was more about not buying into that bullshit rather than my voice on hate speech).

Zero f***s given to those haters.

Mythical Goddess with bullshit evaporating superpowers level officially achieved for Taylor, and even for me. Although I wouldn’t call myself a Goddess. That's all Tay. 🖤

She found love through the noise

And so did I. In November of 2017, I had approached the year anniversary of the greatest love I'd ever known. My last stop. And as the tracks played on, my heart was full. We both found happiness through a seemingly endless sea of anguish.

Taylor is truly doing better than she ever was, and so am I.

Her resilience up against the media and the demands of the industry are perfectly fearless. And her decision to keep her beautifully growing relationship with Joe private is wise. I’ve spent the last year at home, which has been incredible. I’ve had a lot of time to think about what’s most important to me, what has shaped me into the mom, partner and entrepreneur that I am, and it all comes back to Taylor. That’s why it’s time for me to be fearless again and officially join the Swiftie universe.

I’ve spent 12 years fighting dragons with Taylor

and growing a canyon of respect and adoration for her charm, wit, business savvy, musical talent, feminism, compassion, tenacity, love for animals, and of course her lovely, lovely, words. I’ve raised my son from birth with her. There isn't a single day that is spent where Taylor doesn't exist in our lives. For 12 years straight.

That’s a long time to love someone who has no idea you exist.

I play her music videos and YouTube uploads just so I can feel like she’s with us. And so my son knows that she’s one of the finest examples of a human being in his lifetime. I use Taylor’s kindness to teach my son how to be considerate and give back to others while sharing her fearless story with him so she can be a positive role model in his life. Taylor has essentially been part of our family all along.

My son Gauge has a running joke that Taylor is the only person that can make me cry

(which happens more than I'm willing to admit). And it’s not because I’m weak, or on the verge of a mental breakdown (although I challenge you to try parenting, you might argue that), it’s because I truly love her like a best friend. When I see her happy it makes me happy, when I feel her sadness, it makes me sad. It’s visceral.

I don't believe the human connection is meant to be one-sided.

I feel in my heart, as weird as this may sound, that we will meet Taylor one day, even against all odds. Existing in the same lifetime as Taylor without at least trying to meet her doesn't feel right. I won't look at my son and teach him to let fear and doubt win, or that defying the odds is an impossible task.

Over the years I’ve been a spectator to her outreach to fans. She’s invited them to sessions in her homes, sent them gifts, invited them backstage, surprised them in their homes, made hospital visits, and Lord knows what else she has up her sleeve. And it’s all been done with pure excitement and love for her Swifties. With each outreach she extends, tears of joy are shed for fellow Swifties, and a ray of hope inspires me.

So, I’m starting a personal blog

which tells a very personal story of all the dragons I’ve fought with Taylor over the years. From living in a car at 15 years old to getting invited to LA premieres for Walt Disney and Marvel films. And I'll have no apologies for the truths that will be told (but will change names for privacy). It will be very personal and some of it won’t be pretty. Because life isn’t always pretty.

Taylor is releasing another album this year... we hope,

and she’ll be on yet another tour in 2020. After 12 years I’m finally ready for it. I’ve given my son everything he could possibly want or need. I’ve bought him a beautiful home in Northern Georgia. He’s been able to travel the world and do things most adults haven’t even done. And I owe much of that to Taylor for giving me the strength to take major risks, the courage to face my demons, the balls to cut people out of my life who were toxic and the self-confidence to defy the odds and do things my way.

2019 is our year to show @taylorswift how much we love her.

I’ll let the universe do the rest. Till then, I’ll be fighting dragons with her as I always have and writing my journal for her and anyone else who wants to read the memoirs of an OG Swiftie mom who keeps it real AF, full-on hair bun and all.

#taylor #taylorswift #taylurking #taylornation #taylor swift #taylor13 #taylorswift13 #taylornation13 #fightingdragons #swifties #swiftie #tswift13 #deartaylor #dear taylor

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