#i don’t actually have it that bad i am just sleepy and annoyed rn

[easeupkid]

and somehow, despite the fact that i am so scared of graduating, i still have senioritus

[bisluthq]

Like you, I'm high functioning bipolar. Just a caveat: the meds dampened my creativity so much I had to stop taking them or I wouldn't have been able to do my job. Yes, I felt stable and calm but my quirkiness was muted and I just wasn't coming up with any ideas at work (I work in advertising). Hopefully, you'll be okay but just a heads up. You have a unique style on this blog and I'd hate to see it flattened.

yes they told me quite clearly I may not like the meds and want to go off them but to give it a proper shot. The thing is my lows are very bad right like very bad like been hospitalized for them bad. My hypomania, in hindsight but also the meds are not working yet because they said it’ll take several weeks and right now actually I’m in a hypomanic phase because I am crazy productive and have super reduced need for sleep tbh (not in an insomnia way or because of substances since I’m not on any), but things are also not good in terms of irritability so at the moment, so I’m super energetic but I get annoyed mad easy and in past episodes they very much were not good not just in terms of irritability but also risky behaviors I engaged in and impulsive, unsafe behaviors. So I do think I need something to manage it but I also hear you that without the highs I may be less creative and also like… obviously I won’t have as much fun right because the highs are fun. I thought it was just being in a good mood but I do think it’s a better mood than what most people ever get to experience lol and obviously it feels fucking great. So yes. Let’s see.

Also if you don’t mind - what’ve you done to manage it when you went off the meds (in case I do decide nothing’s working for me or I really hate the dampened vibes)? Just talk therapy/CBT? How long have you had your diagnosis? How have your feelings on it changed (if at all) because rn I’m super excited to be able to label what’s going on with me right but I think I might calm down with it and maybe resent it later? Would love to chat more and if you wanna come off anon and dm me I’d actually really appreciate it. I’m also keen to talk about substance use post diagnosis, if you do do stuff recreationally, and specifically how alcohol and weed impact your moods and/or how they interacted with the meds - I’m 100% sober now but I’d like to be able to drink a bit maybe at some point and I’d like to be able to do edibles sometimes and psilocybin maybe couple times a year but I don’t want to do those things if they’re gonna make me, well, crazier than I already am and obviously the doctors will tell me not to or to only do medicinal doses of psilocybin/K and maybe like even give me the sleepy weed prescription and shit and that MAY be correct in terms of what one *should* do but I really do want to be able to have an edible lol like on a lazy Sunday and I’d like to maybe have a drink or two on special occasions so I’d love to hear your personal experience with recreational use (if any).

but yes idk I really want the lows to go away and stay gone and I’d like to manage the highs better so like less irritability, less reckless behavior (not just the really insane shit I’ve done in the past because I haven’t been doing that kind of thing for a little while by virtue of being in a relationship but also like overspending during what I thought were my hyper productive phases but again were hypomania), more stable sleep cycles (I do actually think there I was very much self-medicating with the alcohol and then when I quit drinking that’s where those anti anxiety pills that I needn’t have had a prescription for lol actually were helpful because they made me sleepy), more stable appetite (here also like I’ve thought it’s to do with my body image stuff but fwiw I do have very reduced appetite sometimes and heightened other times) etc. I do want all of that to get better. I also obviously don’t want to COMPLETELY lose the good parts of the hypomania so the insane productivity and you’re right also the creativity.