#i do tend to like people who are bad for me (which i havent done in a while hip hip hooray)

[catinasink]

SHUT THE FUCK UP MUSIC PLEASE. I DO NOT NEED TO THINK ABOUT THAT. PLEASE. NOT RIGHT NOW

[roseworth]

Wait, I’m confused do you or do you not ship Jayrose?

short answer: usually no but ill ship it when its funny

long answer:

most of the reason i dont personally like it is because i see rose as a lesbian and i dont enjoy any ships of her with men (its fine if other people do! its just not my thing), plus i hc jason as aroace so im also not very interested in jason ships unless im in a very specific mood (the "specific mood" being jaykyle lmao. every few months i get really obsessed with jaykyle for a few days then i forget about it for the next few months. then the cycle repeats)

another reason i dont like it is that i am constantly in fear of rose becoming Jason's Girlfriend in comics and online. like how babs and kory are both seen as Dick's Girlfriend (also steph and tim to a lesser degree atm) and people refuse to engage with their character not in reference to their boyfriend, so writers have them constantly mention their relationship with dick even in comics that hes not in (like batgirls having dick show up randomly/birds of prey (1999) having babs talk about dick alllll the time, or kory in the current blue beetle run constantly mentioning dick even though theyre not dating rn and jaime has never even met dick). and thats somewhat starting to happen with rose where shes only in comics that jason is in and if jasons not in it then jason gets mentioned (see: catwoman #62). and obv as a rose fan i really don’t want that to happen because she’s such a great character outside of jason and i don’t want her to be reduced to just who she is with him. this is mostly me overreacting, especially since she had a miniseries just last year that jason was not in or mentioned at all. but being a fan of a female comic character means that most people are not willing to talk about her without mentioning her relationship with a man, and its even worse when the man is a batboy so i’m constantly on alert

so basically thats why it puts a bad taste in my mouth, but i have no issue with the ship itself or anyone who ships it!

i think jason & rose are extremely compatible. i see them as bffs but i genuinely do think about them in a relationship a lot even though i dont necessarily ship it. im rotating both of them in my mind 24/7 so i think about how i think they would act in a relationship & how it would ideally be done in canon. but i just dont trust any comic writers to actually respect rose

the reason i said that jayrose is one of the only jason ships that matters is because most jason ships are soooo bad... i wont name names but some jay ships rely on one or both of them being extremely out of character for it to work at all. in terms of jason ships, jayrose is one of the best just because a) an in-character jason AND an in-character rose would genuinely get along really well and b) none of the stories that they've been in have really been THAT out of character (with the exception of gotham war imo, which i went into here so i wont beat a dead horse. dceased was pretty bad too but that’s tom taylor’s fault it has nothing to do with jayrose). also unlike many other jason ships, a good portion of the people that ship jayrose are the ones who actually read the comics so it tends to be an actual Nuanced and Accurate portrayal. ofc there are many exceptions to that but as of rn jayrose is not one of the Certified Batfam Ships (you know those ships that are the only ships that fanon fans know about so whenever they want to give their fav a boyfriend they shove em with another character they know nothing about. like dick/wally where people say "well they were friends in yja thats enough for me" and they havent read anything with wally in it besides dick/wally fanfic and they dont care about him outside of his relationship with dick), so theyre somewhat safe. but unfortunately because of titans tv its also shipped by The Worst Man You've Ever Met so. you win some you lose some ig

it bothers me when people claim that they dont like jayrose because they "dont like what it does to rose" ???? literally when has jayrose ever been bad for rose. her worst out of character moments have nothing to do with jason in any way. she doesnt get sidelined for him and she doesnt get reduced to a damsel in distress or something. its annoying to me that people feel the need to make up an excuse for why they dont like the ship so they use rose as a scapegoat and pretend that theyre doing it for her when they actually dont know anything about her. just say you dont like it and move on! you dont need to justify it you can just not like it

so for the most part i have no issue with it, which is why i tend to mention it when i think its funny. theres a lot of jayrose content that i enjoy bc theyre fun together and i like seeing them interact! i dont ship them but i think its a good ship <3

however. despite all that i still have more thoughts. im playing devil's advocate against myself and disagreeing with everything i just said

because also. its kind of not in character for them to date. i like where they're at right now because theyre kind of in a casual thing, like theyre hanging out and having sex in the bushes but theyre not Dating. theyre not in a serious relationship that we've seen (other than gotham war but im not acknowledging that), so i like where they're at right now. hanging out, rose flirting aggressively and jason giving her next to nothing in return because he cant flirt, and probably having sex off panel*. i think theyre in a good place at the moment and i dont want it to change from exactly where it is right now in canon. *inside my head theyre actually just pals that pretend to flirt because they think its funny. they do not have sex off panel and they dont want to but the insane flirting is an inside joke that no one else thinks is funny. but thats just me

because neither of them has really shown any interest in dating (when written in character! so we're not counting rhato). the most "interested" jason has ever been in someone is minor flirting with donna in countdown. but he did not make a move on her and repeatedly said throughout that book that he was only focused on the mission and did not care about anything else. he doesnt seem to actually be interested in a relationship with anyone, partially because hes extremely emotionally closed off (to a degree. he is VERY open with his emotions, but hes not the kind of person that lets people into his life easily) and also because he just has other shit to think about. no sex only vengeance.

and ROSE. she is the most closed off person you will ever see. she will have casual sex in an effort to suppress all emotions (which i could talk about extensively. but thats not what this post is about), but she doesnt date people. the only people that she was close to being in a relationship with were eddie and hosun. with eddie, it was all flirting, emotional moments, and her pushing him away. she genuinely liked him (arguably. i could go into how its comphet but that is once again not what this is about), but she was closed off and didnt want to date him because she has so many issues. she tried to make him jealous and did her aggressive flirting thing like she does with jason, but she did not want to have an actual relationship with him. and with hosun, she once again (arguably) genuinely liked him, but she did not tell him that. she MARRIED HIM and still didnt talk to him about her feelings. he liked her and was interested in a relationship with her, but she did not want to embrace that and didnt make any effort to have a real relationship with him outside of agreeing to stay married to him after slade was arrested. she doesnt have any interest in actually dating the guys she likes, and shes so emotionally repressed that she will not make any effort to even be close with them

i hate phantom-one and i hate the idea of rose dating phantom-one but. i genuinely think their "relationship" is pretty in character for her (brisson understands her so well), because at most they have some nice conversations. shes somewhat interested in him so she'll come onto him a bit (no aggressive flirting but still), and she opens up to him when shes at her absolute lowest, then she leaves. shes more focused on what stormwatch is doing and she shows little interest in phantom-one during missions, but she likes him and oscillates between ignoring him and hitting on him. so.. out of the relationships rose has in recent canon..... i could make the argument that rose/phantom-one is more in character for her than jayrose even though i like jayrose a LOT more than i like rose/phantom-one

so yeah. its in character for them to get along. but i DONT think its in character for them to be in a serious relationship. which is another part of the reason im kinda skeptical about their relationship in canon, just because i dont want it to be an actual Relationship since it doesnt really make sense for them to actually date given... everything about them.

but again thats all just my opinion! ship whatever you want we're all just playing with dolls

[nie7027]

{{I've had this draft saved literally since April 18th 2019 but I didn't post it back then because I wanted to finish the super5 headcanons first... which i of course havent done.

But I think it's finally time I post it.

I reread it recently and I don't think it's as spoilery of other wips as I had initially and thought and its related to the other stuff I'm gonna post soon so why not use it as a preview for it?

Anyway it finally is here. I hope you enjoy this tiny list of headcanons}}

Mob psychobook headcanons

These could actually apply to any social red but Psychobook is the one i know besides Tumblr (and no, none of them have tumblr...maybe just Seri)

Teru's

Teru's used to be the typical popular kid psychobook where used to he the typical popular kid psychobook where he posted pics of the parties he went("Crazy night guys, thanks for inviting me!), his soccer matches ("Another victory for Vinegars soccer team. You are welcome~") and trainings(even some from his personal training when it didnt end that bad), the food he ate at the new trendy coffe he went and the obligatory selfie every couple of days that will make his notifications blow up everytime with likes and comments

Now he sometimes still does those but he posts mostly pics of nice sights he finds on his bicycle routes, pics of him hanging with his friends/new family or the lastest fuck up Reigen did

He, Shou and Tome are invested in a meme competition. Whoever makes Mob laugh the loudest wins. Sadly they have to be with him so he can see them.

Rarely Terus posts a pic of him & Mob (or Mob alone) with the emoji equivalent of a gay keysmash and when he does it drives crazy the whole alumnae of Vinegar middle school, everybody wondering who is that bland looking guy and what Teru meant by that.

Mob's

Mob's used to be empty but now it's filled with pics Tome posts of their karaoke outings, pics where the body improvement club tag him and Terus, shous and tomes memes

But he rarely uses it and doesnt get to see them. Still he likes the milk memes teru found (do those even exist?)

Thats why he doesnt know he has basically become the body improvements star. Captain musashi and the others tend to photos of him with inspirational quotes (warrio male kind of) in the club page to attract new reclutees

After terus mysterious post a swarm of Vinegar students tried to add him as friend

But Mob thinks they are internet weirdos and ignores their invitation

It's actually Dimple who uses it more

Ritsu's

Ritsus used to be th pristine psychobook profile proper of a student council member. He had added the majority of the school and he made posts of the schools next event, resolutions the council had reached after their last session or answered any question any student could have but was to shy to personally ask.

His most personal post where the seldom book quotes he posted from the lastest book he read and liked.

Everything changed with Shou

The students didnt know who he was but suddenly this random kid started to tag Ritsu in even more random posts(most of them hamster related...Ritsu liked all of them?) and post pics of him AND RITSU doing the weirdest things you could imagine

Theres a pic of Ritsu with the most ridiculous susprised face(thats the most expressive people have seen him?? Whats going on?) in front of a microwave in flames. The fact shou edited it with a caption saying "And he didnt believe me eggs could explode" didnt help

Theres another of them hangin at the tallest part of the city (people dont undertsmad how is that even possible? You cant even acces that area)

And theres even a blurry pic that looks like they are running away from a police car

Shinji, who knows whats Ritsu is truly capable of, likes each of those pics

Everybody in Salt middle school is confused. But the only thing they get is Ritsus "Sorry" to Kamuro when the council president makes a blank comment in the infamous police pic.

They quickly recognize Shou as the kid that sometimes flies(yeah FLIES) besides Ritsus classroom or sneaks in the school

Shou's

The only reason Shou made a psychobook profile was to keep in contact with the espers that helped him during the domination arc

But he quickly realizes how useful it is to annoy Ritsu when he is bored

Besides the memes and Ritsu pics, his psychobook is full of interesting facts of different animals and reblogs of drawings from artist he follows and tutorials

As Mob he was invaded by a swarm of vinegar students once he appears in one of Terus pics. He accepts all of them the same way he accepted Ritsus classmates. It ends well for him because that way his drawing are seen by many peoplea and he receives lots of likes.

It takes a while but he finally unblocks Seri one day. Seri likes each and every thing he posts and makes encouraging comments on his drawings.

Serizawa's

Seri had a profile during his isolation days where he added many "friends" (random internet weirdos) with whom he talked about the things he liked and the media he consumed

Once he rejoins society with the Spirits and such cre he makes a new personal profile

He only has his family, the spirits and such crew, his school friends and the super5 added but thats all he needs

He follows many cooking and baking pages and once he learns to cook he saves the recipes he wants to try

He doesnt know if he cried more the day Shou unblocked him or they day Teru put him as his dad.

Minegishis

Minegishi only has the super5, Mob Ritsu, Tome and his coworkers added as friends

He follows many pages about plants and how to take care of them and pages that post downloadable audiobooks for Shimazaki

He rarely posts but he likes all the posts where he is tagged.

His elder coworkers tag him in lovely pictures of flowers with inspirational quotes. He likes those too.

The other super5 make fun of him for this but they secretly like them, especially those that talk about being a good person.

He follows many trolling pages too but never reblogs them. He doesnt want the other to know where he gets some of his humor sense.

Hatori

Hatori follows mostly memes pages, specially those about programming because he can "relate"

He say he understands them. (He doesnt)

He almost fell for the "delete system32 to make you computer faster" joke but his coworkers stopped him. He passed it as him messing around

Shibata's

Shibata follows personal trainers and healthy foods pages

He and Seri swap recipes they find and think the other might like

He saves exercises routines and tries to convince the other super 5 to try them with him.

Specially Hatori, he needs them.

He is only succesful when he finds those routines based on fictional characthers

It doesnt last much

He follows the body improvement club page. He actually sends some of the quotes that end up in some of the Mobs pics.

Shimazaki's

Shimazaki doesnt have a psychobook per se

It's a bot that hatori made to post "uwu" ":3" or "nyas~" every once in a while

The profile pic is the photo they took of Shimazaki wearing the prank glasses

Sometimes the other super5 post photos of their hang outs

"Its our register of Shimazakis progress!" says Hatori

Sometimes it receives messages from internet weirdos and most of them go along the lines of "Weren't you the guy that kidnapped the prime minister?".

The others are horny texts.

They delete all of them.

Tome's

Tomes psychobook can be considered the normalest of the spirits and such crew.

Even though half of her posts are cospirational thories and supposedly aliens sightings

Apart from that she has the normal amount of friends ("Seriously guys, why do you have every random you find added?") and posts a regular amount of pics of her hangouts

Besides the memes. Teru and she share LGBTQ content they find interesting

Seri somehow is the first to know about the lastest news of the videogames they follow and tags her on them

She edits Terus posts of Reigen fuck ups and turns them into memes. The super5, Ritsu and Dimble(using Mobs profile) always like them.

Its on psychobook where she organizes the telepathy club next reunion

She has been nagging Mob and Take to use their psychobooks more so they can see in time what they are planning to do

Takenaka's

Take has enough with the whole wind reading thing. Good luck trying to convince him to make a psychobook profile.

Reigen's

Since his birthday during the separation arc Reigen decided to completeley get away from his psychobook seeing as how little those persons cared for him

But he forgets to delete the app

So one day his phone cant stop blaring with notifications and when Reigen picks it up to see what the hell was going on

He had messages and messages of exfriends congratulating him for his son and saying things like "Wow Reigen, you had it very closeted" "we didnt know you were so private" "who is the lucky mother?"

Teru had put him as his dad

Reigen was having an existencial crisis and needed some comfort so he started searching Seri

Only to find him crying because Teru did the same to him

They ended togeyher as a crying mess sprawled over the couch. Only Dimple got to see them like that

So writing my fanfic "Sunflower" made me think of these headcanons but i couldnt post them then because i hadnt finished the super5 headcanons and didnt want to spoil some things. As you can see this finally shows what Ive been saying of "College funds", "Sunflower" and the "super5 headcanons" taking place in the same universe.

Really, i wrote down a timeline of how these things overlap and can tell you what the s&s crew were doing while shimazaki was fucking around or what the super5 were doing while the crew celebrated terus birthdays.

[storkmuffin]

People not believing James and Miranda are romantic really baffles me as well. I get that its a plot twist that James loves Thomas but this isnt a plot twist where its you think person a loves person b but they actually love person c.

And like the evidence for them not being romantic is like what? That we dont really see them kiss? That the one time we are shown they are having sex its bad? Im pretty sure the sex scene is more to establish that James is not like the other pirates. And there are a plethora of reasons for why the sex was bad this one time instead of jumping to the conclusion they only have bad sex. For example james is wounded at the time. As for the kissing people dont need to kiss often to be in a romantic relationship. Anne and Jack dont kiss that much on the show either. And theres the fact everyone knows barlow is flints woman that would not have come out of nowhere.

Dont people like the poly aspect of it? Is it biphobia? I hope not because this is the best i have seen of a poly relationship in media, though I havent come across it a lot. Where i can clearly see how and why three people all love each other rather than it being a convenient way to end a love triangle where i feel like two of them dont care for each other that much.

Can I just say THANK YOU for giving me these Miranda-James thoughts? Because thank you.

Miranda Barlow and her ways of being loving, her ways of being romantic and sexual are all pretty unique and there's not a single thing about her that isn't complicated. In addition, she's a WOMAN woman, not girly, not crushing out, sexually liberated AND discreet about it, not constantly in the throes of some trembly emotion but is actually a very tough person, designed to be a fully grown lady - in sum, she's a bit hard to wrestle with for a lot of people. She's happily (very very much) married to a man and they adore each other as people AND ALSO for how they can together build a joint life they both like. There's a hard edge of pragmatism to her, which I find super hot, because I'm a hard edged pragmatic woman myself, but I think that makes it hard to see how romantic she actually is. The joy of the Thomas-James-Miranda poly connection for me is from the fact that these two men not only find her hot but they find her hardness and pragmatism hot. SO unusual. Second, she likes men who are bi, and doesn't seem to have much interest in monogamy or faithfulness at all. Again, non standard. Third, she DOES have a romantic relationship with James BUT there's always that constantly calcuating, assessing mind that she has - she approaches James because he's cute, she can tell he's a rule breaker and fucking around with rule breakers is ironically a good way to be discreet, AND she can see that he's crushing out on her husband, which she actually likes about him. She recruits James into the group project of protecting and enabling Thomas - that was part of the attraction. It's not a swooning, like, I must have you and will die without you type thing at all, which is generally the easily digestible formulation of romance. Moreover, Miranda uses sex in a variety of ways - for fun, for love, as stress relief, as a game, to make a point to a houseguest - and on pirate island she just does NOT have as many options as she used to in London, so I take it as, we saw her have "make Guthrie unhappy and I need an orgasm" sex rather than "express my desire for you" sex with Flint, which he fully accepted and uh, cooperated with.

And then there's the fact that shipping in most fandoms tends to be done by male-attracted women who want to just do yaoi (very valid, I do this in other fandoms, just not this one) and so it's kind of inconvenient to have to acknowledge that James Flint does actually have a romantic relationship with a woman and does actually have sexual attraction to women, so that may be motivating the desire to just dismiss their romantic connection out of hand.

By the way - I would recommend (unless you are a super very pro John Silver person in which case the episode comes with a warning) listening to this podcast episode made by @heycarrots (It's REALLY great, overall, as a podcast full stop). TLDR for our discussion - in that episode Dr. Tankard posits that James Flint's romantic orientation and real sex life is basically to participate in a group project - he loves being part of a group that is doing a thing, and that's where all his motivation, erotic energy, everything, comes from, and that analysis really works very well for my understanding of Flint.

[lagtrain]

what are some of ur fav vocaloid producers and/or songs that use unique tuning rather than going for a more natural human-esque voice?

ANON HI HI HI ILY!!!! im so glad u sent this ask :)))))

im putting the recs under a readmore bc it got really long loll

ok so first up is producer recs!

Syudou- syudou is the producer who directly inspired the post i made about tuning (which is im assuming why u sent this ask lol)! the way he tunes vsynths for his songs tend to be very high-pitched as well as somewhat soft and quiet, which i absolutely adore. however, his unique tuning can be pretty offputting for some people (cough cough the insane amount of hate ive seen for jackpot sad girl & usseewa voca versions cough cough). if youre looking for good, unique tuning id defo say check out his stuff if u havent! specific recs are cute na kanojo and jackpot sad girl

Guchiry- guchiry is one of my all-time favourite producers, and has some of the most unique tuning for vocaloids ive heard. guchiry also usually goes for a high-pitched sound, but it's in a very different way. honestly, the way he tunes is kind of hard for me to describe?? idk... its definitely the type of vocals that a human could never replicate (this is proven by the fact that there's almost no human covers of guchiry songs LMAO). plus the way he tunes works extremely well with the intense, fast-paced instrumentals he usually goes for. honestly you'll just have to take my word for it and check out his stuff. specific recs are vanish and orthodoxia

Ayase- ayase's miku is one of my favourites ever!!!! he, like the two producers above, opts for a tuning in a higher range. there is also a soft quality to his mikus that i think is really nice. the thing that makes his tuning really unique is the fact that he leans into the robotic-ness of vocaloid! this style of vocals works so unbelievably well with the chill, electronic style of instrumental he often uses, and makes for some incredible stuff that human vocals just cant capture. specific recs are cinema and ghost city tokyo

sasakure.uk- if you thought that ayase embraced the robotic sound that vocaloids can produce, sasakure has practically buried himself in it! i think that sasakure's work is most notable to me for the fact that (in my opinion) his instrumentals stick out more than the vocals? and not in a bad way! not at all! its just that the way he tunes his vsynths is in such a fashion that they feel like part of the instrumentals. like, instead of the music feeling like it's a vessel for the vocals, the vocals instead blend into the instrumentals in a really unique way i havent heard with many other producers? the way sasakure tunes and uses vocaloids is something so distinct, and something that can really only be done through the medium of vocal synthesizers. specific recs are amara and future eve

Hiiragi Kirai- hiiragi takes flower, a vocaloid i find already sounds pretty unique, and goes fucking crazyinsane with her!! his flower tuning is so unbelievably cool and unique, ive srsly never heard someone use her in a way like he does. he makes her voice sound intense, harsh and growly which is seriously soooo sick :D flower's harsh vocals paired with the often intense instrumentals creates a vibe that's almost impossible to replicate with human vocals (the only covers i can think of that have managed to be on par with hiiragi's originals is ado's bocca della verita & loveka). specific recs are bottom and autophagy

Maretu- 😁😁😁 do i really have to say anything here. maretu perfectly utilizes the robotic sound that miku can produce, and makes her sound incredible with the chiptune & rock instrumentals he uses!! the vibes in maretu's original songs are so fucking good and ive (afaik) yet to find a cover that's on par with his og stuff. listen, you're asking for vocaloid recs on the maretu blog, this is a given. specific recs are koukatsu and white happy

specific songs recs now yayyyy!! im just gonna list the songs and give little blurbs abt them :-)

im not sure exactly how much this counts as unique tuning, but im putting it here anyways... the way miku and meiko are tuned here are different to how ive often heard them sound before, with a bit of roughness to their voices that you can only get via a vocaloid

really cool high-pitched tuning that expertly blends miku's & kafu's vocals! the vocals also work perfectly with the spooky vibes the rest of the song has! if you like this you'd probably also like unfriendly hater, which doesnt stand out quite as much to me as being unique but is still equally as good

i fucking love this song sm... miku's vocals are so robotic (i feel like ive used that word a lot...) which works suuuuper well with the instrumental and, with my incredibly limited knowledge of kagepro, works really well for ene's character!

the sheer insanity of this song can really only work with vocals provided by a vocaloid. listen to it and try and tell me that a human's vocals could improve on this... you cant (also pls listen to the song bc its really good)

p.h is an INCREDIBLE song, and it has such wild vocals. somehow seventhlinks manages to make flower sound more unique than she usually does, and it creates such a cool vibe for the whole song!

[aspd-culture]

is guilt-based anxiety (example: scared of being a burden), depression (example: feeling guilty for being alive, for being a burden and all that low self-esteem nonsense) and guilt/moral-based ocd (example: feeling like youre an abuser or committed a heinous crime that you didnt commit, like S/A-OCD or P-OCD), or themes of guilt in schz (example: delusions where you think youre guilty of having done something you havent, like murder for instance, or hallucinations of voices who encourage the themes stated in the example i gave for depression) or ptsd/trauma (example: for experiencing trauma) etc. possible in aspd? and/or how would these things present in someone with aspd (as opposed to someone without aspd? people w/o ASPD (generally) feel a lot of (genuine) guilt and remorse and i experience... walmart-brand guilt. i feel anxious and "guilty" but only because of 1. whatever remnants of christian doctrination is in my brain 2. my phobias 3. my need for control, or 4. a byproduct of my mental illnesses. (probably a learned thought process for me - its not really natural for me, not really out of care for others (unless you count ocd), and the thought pattern is what ive been told throughout my life/otherwise originated from others)

All of that is very possible and actually very relevant to my experience as a pwASPD, as well as OCD, PTSD, and religious trauma. Hopefully that means I can give you a relatively in-depth explanation of what this feels like for me firsthand.

So all of these types of Great Value guilt are moreso examples of shame. Religious trauma causes shame, guilt OCD is generally a misnomer for shame, and shame is a *major* symptom of clinical depression and of PTSD. Shame is a more personal take on guilt, in that it affects your opinion of who you are as a person, and it can (and often does) exist outside of actually having done something wrong both in prosocials and pwASPD. Guilt is an instinct when you have done something wrong to admit it and work to change the behavior in the future and make up for the harm it caused or had the potential to cause. Shame doesn’t care if you’ve actually wronged anyone nor does it care if you change the behavior in the future - and it doesn’t believe you can *ever* make up for it. Shame says you are a terrible horrible no-good very bad person because of *insert reason* and for that you must work your ass off to try to be redeemed while knowing you are never ever going to be. Shame is irrational while guilt is (considered by prosocials to be) rational.

In pwASPD, shame tends to be polarizing. I have talked to pwASPD who felt shame *much* more intensely because they had no experience with guilt to temper it, so the feeling was entirely foreign (this is how I experience it, although I’ve done some work to unlearn that), and I’ve met other pwASPD who can completely ignore the feeling of shame because they can easily identify it as not beneficial and therefore ignore it. I think part of it depends on how you take on things like ableism as well - it seems to correlate that people who don’t internalize any ableism are better at pushing away feelings of shame, whilst people like me who struggle with internalizing ableism are more distressed by shame.

It’s also worth noting that shame specifically associated with PTSD from the same place that led to the ASPD (so in other words, related to childhood trauma) can end up being the pwASPD’s only definition of guilt, and feel very all-encompassing because of that. They may feel haunted by any little thing they do that would have been wrong in the eyes of the person who caused the trauma. This can result in a pwASPD who is very timid and/or shows few symptoms. In my case, issues with this led me to lean away from the more obvious symptoms of my ASPD, which is why I had to fight myself on whether or not I truly had it before I was diagnosed. I was fairly meek for most of my life, and the classic behaviors many pwASPD experience like violent outbursts leading to breaking things and/or hurting animals or other children, breaking rules and defying authority, etc. was, for me, replaced by the more covert versions of those things. I broke things - but they were my things that I knew wouldn’t be missed. I would get bursts of rage and take it out on things I knew could take it or that I could excuse as being lost, or better yet, things that could have easily been broken by other means. For example, I had a tendency to break pencils when I was angry, so I would intentionally pick up any pencils I found on the floor at school and break *those* when I was angry, and for the same reason I washed and saved popsicle sticks “for arts and crafts”. I fell into the manipulation and deception (besides of my main caregiver who is an Exception) side more than the rule-breaking and violence side due to that trauma. The shame for the actions was something I could only tolerate if I could tell myself “nobody but you knows what you did” or “the only thing you broke are things that don’t mean anything to anybody and would be in the trash otherwise”.

I would say the biggest thing that pwASPD dealing with that intense shame feeling would do differently than most other pwASPD is to appear more “in control”. ASPD forms from trauma, so if that traumatic shame (and yes, growing up with OCD without knowing it and without having safe support *is* very often traumatic) is constantly beating on you as a part of the trauma, certain symptoms may not show up the same way as they would for someone where they didn’t have that. It’s not the same as not doing something because you can control the urge/impulse - what I’ve described here is just redirection of said impulse - and it’s not the same as feeling guilt. It’s a symptom of one or multiple other disorders playing in tandem with the ASPD symptoms.

As for how pwASPD deal with this shame compared to prosocials, I would say that it has the potential seriously numb us in a way that it doesn’t to prosocials. Generally, prosocials have a better idea of how to identify between the feelings of guilt vs shame, which is how most of them learn to recognize and act on one while not taking in the other. At the point where they can’t, it usually creates an anxiety disorder on top of whatever is causing the shame. In pwASPD however, if we feel shame like this, it often makes us even *less* receptive to the feeling of true guilt. For those of us who easily ignore the shame, guilt just gets lumped in with that and they move on, and for those of us that internalize the shame, guilt pales in comparison and we don’t see it as intrusive enough to listen to.

All of this is, as always, fairly anecdotal, but this is how I experience it combined with how people I have talked to describe it. It’s worth noting that many elitists will claim that feeling shame means you can’t have ASPD. I simply do not have the bandwidth to go into the details of *how ridiculous* that is right now, but it is in no way true. There is zero reason, in my opinion, to say that a symptom of another disorder cannot exist at the same time as ASPD. Afaik, there is currently no disorder that excludes you from the diagnosis of ASPD. The only disorders that even come close are bipolar disorder, schizophrenia/other disorders causing psychosis, and substance abuse disorder - but none of these truly exclude you from an ASPD diagnosis, they just require extra examination to make sure the symptoms do not only occur when manic, in psychosis, or while h1gh/drvnk respectively.

Sorry if this is a bit of a novel, I’m getting used to being back and trying to be concise again.

[bulbabutt]

yooooooo all i do lately is vent vent vent uhhh

itsssss really annoying to feel traumatized over shit that doesnt actually matter at all but you cant feel like a person who functions cuz of it

like. mkay, few years ago i did a stupid thing which was uh. pre coming out but post taking testosterone tell this girl ('girl' she was older than me, im an adult but sos she) i that i was trans. then that i had a crush on her. like a fucking idiot, i was like 'girl pretty girl nice maybe i can finally have something'

and the thing was like. we had this lax fucking job that didnt matter, we were both basically running this shitty lil store nobody came in for the christmas season. and like i had admitted id never done anything, but i should have noticed it was gonna be weird quicker, cuz while she was understanding of like 'ok yeah youre a dude i get that' it was. hmm. it wasnt really like she felt like that, and she didnt notice so much that shit she would say hurt my feelings. like this was so unserious honestly, but uh the thing abt taking t in your mid 20s is youre like... right im... im going through a literal puberty and being stupid as a teenager. im bad with expressing my feelings normally cuz of that.

anyway. it was a fling really. it was stupid and shouldnt have happened, and it probably hurt me more than i thought, but she got like... jealous of one of the employees who id known from a prev job... who to me was like. literally a child (cuz like, id known her since she was) and that made me feel so weird, cuz i was like ?? why the hell would i be thinking about her like that i havent done ANYTHING that would make you think that. and hello i only said i liked you ? but then i guess the age gap was the same in her eyes and so that might have been why she thought that. but like pfft if youre ~25 dating a ~30 yr old its whatever thats normal. going the other way gets weirder ESP if uh. HELLO i was this kids boss?? that was so weird that she felt like that. i guess cuz i was just better at getting along w people younger than me, as someone who isnt a TRUE millennial, someone whos pop culture references lean gen z or whatever. idk i just know kids like my vibe for some reason. there was NEVER anything else going on i was just... being chill? but that was enough to cause jealousy.

but like yeah theres only so many 3 weeks in 'i dont think this is a good idea i think im bad for you' texts you can get before you just go 'yeah you know what i dont wanna do this anymore actually thats fine no hard feelings'

but i tend to be a person who just cant socialize with people for long periods of time, i ghost people a lot, i dont have a history of having friends i dont know how to maintain relationships, but also i really didnt want to at this point. i felt really gross about it and embarrassed for putting myself out there and admitting a secret about myself.

anyway next year rolls around and i see her at the next job season and she tells me she and another coworker found my tiktok page (cuz shit forcibly adding your contacts IS THE DEVIL) and uh. she had to explain to said coworker that i was trans. which. felt like shit. obviously. i was still not out.

anyway THAT person was a piece of shit who talked down to me and acted like i was terrible at my job and brought aLL the personal shit up as if i had ever trusted HER with any of it. like using my new chosen name in texts and shit to call me out for nothing. i had to give her a fucking 'excuse me, you dont get to call me that i never fucking told you that and its WEIRD that you think you get to call me that just cuz you invaded my privacy.'

she literally told both my bosses about all my private shit with this girl. like all that stupid bullshit about how we had dated and it didnt go well, she spread my private shit. and like... it all... ugh. like i got told by said bosses 'hey. none of what she said is important at all dont even worry about it.' and i really appreciated that. but that year was so bad for me, i felt like i was being watched like everything i did was being misconstrued. everything blew up so fast if there was something sma,, and it was 100% that person making it worse.

next year i just came out finally just was like. yeah alright. got a beard now, had my tits removed, might as well. and everyone was chill. personal beef spreading bitch didnt come back (the bosses were glad of that) shit was chill. was on friendly terms with "ex" being normal, never had any beef that year. was very much a 'the beef we had the previous year was this bitch egging her on'. i was partially running store. everything was fine i thought.

next year. as it turns out? was not asked to help run store that year. was very confused, there was a slot to fill that no one else could and i wasnt asked to do it. instead they had this absolute bigot who made everyone and i mean EVERYONE who worked there so uncomfortable, abusive language bigoted talk, wouldnt let people leave if they were sick ass piece of shit.. yeah he got the job. and everyone complained, but hes friends with the boss so whatever.

anyway reached my wits end. quit mid season. was fine, i was moving anyway, it was whatever.

you know why i wasnt asked to have that job? cuz the ex. for some reason without thinking, said 'yeah ill come back but i dont want him to be in charge after last year'. and she... never told me there was any problem. and that hurt me so bad. like talking to other people who were there, it all seemed like... okay, i was good at my job and would just.. act like a boss and not a friend sometimes. like be the guy going 'hey can you like. go do __ i need to count the till i dont have time to hear your funny joke rn'. and she took it personally. like its fine if youre sensitive to stuff, but i was under so much stress a lot and i dont always handle it well.

and that beef she had that she didnt tell me about turned into me losing a job, losing my sanity, feeling utterly betrayed and forcing everyone else who worked there to deal with the biggest pos as a boss with no repercussions. i heard from people post quitting i was being talked shit about by my prev bosses TO the employees. for the crime of... complaining about a bigot. who was misgendering me, being racist to other employees, making the teens feel unsafe to be around. like this was a SCREAMING old man kind of shit.

and all because the ex, initially, made a comment about not wanting me to be in charge. and i just... i really dont even know what i did. it was so underhanded. and when i asked her about it, she just said 'no i didnt say i WOULDNT work under you i just said i HOPED you wouldnt be in charge, and weeks later i asked why you werent in charge' but like??? no. you literally said something that cost me a job. you did. theres no taking that back, you didnt tell me any beef you had with me, you clearly equated job stress with personal stress. you cost me a job! YOU did that you set off a chain of events! and like i cant even begin to explain how much i helped her with shit at jobs. like i kind of took all the responsibility but we were both being paid the same. i would get called every day by her being confused by things while i was at home and help walk her through shit. it was fine, i was stressed but i was fine i never held it against her!

and she like. blew up that entire shit. that whole job i loved got blown up cuz i thought i trusted a person. like was it entirely her fault? obviously not. but that kind of shit.. it just hurt. the idea that i trusted her with my own shit years ago, then time and time again that blew up in my face until i just cant look back at any of it happily anymore makes me so upset. 8 years of a job i loved w a friend, and it all got ruined cuz i said 'hey by the way, im trans' and that spiralled into something stupid.

and i havent had a job since for SOOOOOOME REASON..... i sit at home doing fuck all cuz i cant stand the idea of being around anybody again. i dont trust anybody. i dont feel safe talking to people, being in public, having a job... its so stupid and i hate everything.

also the whole. got clocked and almost punched had my 6 ft brother not been standing near me at the time thing. so now i am uh. just completely agoraphobic.

anyway. sorry i am just in a bad place lately.

[odysseys-blood]

This is literally the first time ever ill do one of these after being tagged in ig bc i always forgot! anyways got tagged by @taketheringtolohac for a "9 people you want to get to know better" game!

Last Song: Sway - A Trak & AJ Christou ft. Duckwrth

i luv duckwrth and this song is super wavy someone come dance to it with me

Favorite color: Idk what to call it like a wine purple? this thang and similar shades

i also rly like deep reds too. if u ever notice i accidentally tend to use mainly the red-blue portion of the color wheel in art and its not a concious decision either it just kinda happens and i try to steer away from it every once in a while and it never sticks.

Currently Watching: nothing rly!

it takes me forever to start watching things and get through them. The last series i finished I think were Witchblade and Link Click abt a month or so ago. I was also planning to watch yuri kuma sometime soon bc i remembered ppl posting about it but i never watched it while it was airing, as well as a rewatch of banana fish bc my brother brought it up bc he was using it as a topic for his paper recently????? i dont even know why he knows it but oh. well i guess. was also gonna watch mignon but the art style is getting me and my city hunter plans have been dashed by the sheer volume of episodes scaring me for now

Sweet/Spicy/Savory: i like them all!

not sure i rly prefer one over the others but i like to bake so maybe sweet. did you know my baking enemy is cookies idk what it is but if im making my own from scratch somehow they always turn out wrong. fav thing to bake is cinnamon rolls i just havent done any in a while bc they take so long (also bc i wanna do peach cobbler style cinnamon rolls which ive done before! but that takes extra long bc of the extra toppings you have to make)

Relationship Status: who want me

Current Obsession: ok prefacing this with these r not good games and im gonna censor the names so they dont show up in tags

i got into some eroge gacha named wh*t in hell is bad back in october and it has not let up since. i filled an entire sketchbook almost w/ doodles of my mc. also replayed through nu c*rnival recently bc they added voice overs for almost the entire game for the second anniversary (ive been playing since maybe 3 months after its release). everything is on the backburner to me rn besides these games and maybe the everyday maintenance of shinozaki bc im thinking abt finishing it bc i love it. anyways forget abt those last two and look at shinozaki

Last Thing You Searched: list of mythical weapons

this was not for anything important except that i rly wanna get a black cat and name it excalibur (nicknamed cali for short). however excalibur is exclusively for if i get the litte black kitty of my dreams but if i get a cat w/ another coat eventually i have to pick a different name so i was brainstorming.

i didnt think this was so long (///￣ ￣///)

anyways ill tag @meicheesecake @feluka @beepiiboop @nil-number @theunstablejester @luminousrabbittt @scamoosh @tilapiamafia and im forgetting names but if u wanna do one then tag ur it ☆〜（ゝ。∂ )

[mousemilf]

i have some weird form of anxiousness where normal things don't scare me but drugs, noise and sex do. I've still had sex (all bad except one public gangbang party on vacation, which wasn't even awkward) but drugs are mega illegal here. Career-endingly. This might be a stupid question, but did you start out unafraid of everything? I've been agonizingly scared of all vice all my life, and I'm not from a Christian house or even country. I don't get it! Is it an autism thing? Who even knows? But yes, were you scared of doing drugs and living a high risk lifestyle before starting?

setting aside the wildness that a public gangbang scared u less than other sex, which i think is awesome, i have like, 2 main things to say abt this, one being that i dont really live a high-risk lifestyle currently, i havent done anything besides alcohol in nearly a year and im mostly just settled into a monogamous relationship and being responsible abt my career. my life is generally just a lot better w me being mostly sober and i desperately want to keep this streak going actually. its the majority of what ive been working on in therapy.

the second thing is that even though i may have wound up doing the same thing and i definitely had some desire of my own to experience drugs, i was essentially groomed into drug use by my ex. which has also been something im trying to work on accepting and understanding. i dont think i would have done a lot of what i have were it not for that. by no means am i fully blaming him for my behavior wrt drugs, but it was a factor.

both of those things being said, i don't think i was very afraid. i grew up extremely sheltered which gave me this sickass combo of wanting so so desperately to rebel in any way possible and also not really understanding the seriousness of the consequences. i call this the "all things are equally bad" effect: if u tell ur kid not to listen to secular music with the same weight as u tell them not to take drugs, they might listen to music and think hey, that wasnt so bad, my parents were wrong, i might as well take this unknown pill from a stranger.

i also tend to be a little bit risk-seeking naturally, even in areas that people would see as positive and are beneficial to me. like applying to jobs without experience, traveling alone, etc. i think its just a dispositional thing to an extent.

anyway. i dont think you should necessarily be afraid of stuff like that, because its def possible to be responsible around sex and drugs. but having anxiety abt them can in itself make things go badly, and i think youd be right to trust your gut on these things and not put yourself in situations that would trigger the anxiety.

[butmakeitgayblog]

Not anything related to clexa but i’ve been following you for a while and see sometimes that you give advice. I just got broken up with my first girlfriend yesterday and the reason she said was that i haven’t the first clue about dating women. She’s the first person i’ve dated after my ex boyfriend of 7 years. We havent been intimate yet mind you, coz i really wanted to know her in a deeper level, and i asked if that was because of it. She said it was a big reason yeah but in general she said she’s not used to dating someone like me. I dont get it really. Is it difficult or weird to be dating somebody who hasn’t dated women? I’m so torn up about this i dont know what to do. So sorry btw if this was too long. Ya dont even gotta reply just figured i’d tell someone at least

I think this got swept up in the melee of boobs and demon asks in my inbox so I'm sorry about that

Well I don't know the particulars and, generally I find those tend to give more insight into things, but on a surface level what I can say without a doubt is this is absolutely not something you should feel bad about yourself over. Wanting to wait to get to know someone and connect emotionally before being physically intimate isn't weird or wrong, nor is it some kinda crazy notion when it comes to wlw. Sex isn't everything, it's not even most of a real relationship, so if not having sex was a deal breaker when it sounds like the relationship was relatively new, babe that's a red flag. Be glad she left. You should be able to take the time you need to be comfortable doing these things, especially something as intimate as sex can be.

And for the record, no it's not weird dating someone who hasn't dated women. Tbh, that statement made me wonder if it wasn't rooted in old fashioned biphobia 👀 (even if you're not bi, some queer woman/lesbians are losers and get real fuckin nasty about woman who've been with men.) I mean I'll be honest, there is a learning curve at play because dating women isn't exactly the same as dating men, which I'm sure you're figuring out, and sometimes the way the dynamics work out can be a bit strange to navigate when you haven't done it before. But people are just people, and the fact remains that a partner should have respect for the boundaries the person they're dating sets, not act like they're a burden. If she was worth your time, she would've tried to understand, waited, and worked through your hesitation and honored your wants until you felt comfortable and craved that intimacy with her. The fact that that didn't happen and she couldn't get herself on your wavelength says she wasn't right for you to begin with, and you should be glad it ended when it did before you pushed yourself to do things you weren't ready for just to please her or to save the relationship.

No person is worth your integrity, and you're allowed to take all the time you need. The right girl will be patient, and that obviously was not her.

[magnoliamyrrh]

this is a stupid question but i've been wanting to get one of those traditional croatian tattoos on one of my arms for years even if i'm not croatian nor a christian. on my other arm i want a traditional romanian embroidery pattern (bc i'm actually romanian). what's holding me back is that i don't wanna offend anyone since i'm not from one of the east euro countries that practiced that tradition (afaik we've never had that here). anyways do you think it'd be a bad idea or not lmao

good question bc ive been contemplating the same thing for years fjdjdj. so

tattooing is something we had in the region; the dacians used to tattoo, including their faces, and so did the thracians, who the dacians may or may not come from. so its not a foreign practice to us by any means - i think you can definitely get tatoos of romanian motifs without it being any sort of problem, its something ive wanted to do too for a long time. as far as those croatian tattoos go, from what ive been able to find online, they werent practiced exclusively among catholic and croatian women, rather they were more widespread around the people of croatia/bosnia/yugoslavia etc. its unclear from what i can find if the origin is celtic or slavic, but either way, both of those cultures have certainly had an impact on ours as well historically.

among christian balkan, in this case particularly croatian, women these tattoos, and their survival in practice, was directly related to trying to keep the ottomans from kidnapping women and girls and forcibly converting them to islam - something which was a struggle in romania as well; this is why some of the tattoos have christian symbols, to remind the girls and women of their faith. and i do think its important to read up on this history and part of it, even though this wasnt their only and sole use and presence, and to take it into consideration. from what i gather, for many croatian women there tattoos are a point of pride, but also come from a painful history.

now. ive said before lol that i dont think cultural appropriation exists in the balkans and i think its kind of stupid for it to. in this particular context too, there is no power dynamic, as far as i know from history romania and croatia havent had a history of conflicts, in fact we have a history of pacts.;;; in the balkans we have all throughout history migrated, mixed, intermarriage, adopted each others cultures, traditions, religions, practices, etc. weve been doing this for thousands of years. personally, i think this is one of the beautiful things about the balkans; and im a pan-balkanist so im all about trying to get everyone in the balkans together and getting rid of the idea that were all separate neat little distinct ppl; we have a lot more in common than we have in difference. the idea of pure cultures or clear cut cultures around here is just unrealistic, its not based in history, and also, talking abt cultural appropriation in the balkans just sounds like woke nationalism

im not croatian neither catholic so, u know, my opinion only goes so far but. i reckon if it comes from a place of respect and understanding its not that big of an issue - hell you can probably go to croatia and get them done. if you live in romania i severly doubt anyone will give a shit, if you live in the west i severly doubt anyone will give a shit bc the westerners tend to know next to nothing about our cultures and they rarely can tell us apart anyway. i dont think its a particularly bad idea 🤷‍♀️

[haematicspectre]

Transcription below:

[Transcription of Discord screenshots between zoejay (@ot3) and griffonage.]

zoejay: someday i really should write some krisnix fic i have such a specific vision for them and nobody else is coming even close to what i want 90% of the time my controversial take is i think that they actually liked each other a non-superficial amount and i don't say this to try and make anything better i say this because i personally believe that makes it all much much worse

griffonage: really really intriguing. im curious what the liking each other was or how it manifested bc i think it would actually make things a lot worse but i struggle to conceptualize it as actual affection i tend to fall into the "phoenix isn't in a great place and likes kristoph because kristoph doesnt expect him to be anything more than he is" which IS a form of love i think but its very icky at the same time and i want to expand my worldview

zoejay: for me the way kristoph talks about phoenix makes it seems like kristoph considers him a genuienly worthwhile adversary/intelligent/competent person to some degree, to the point where his life is worth trying to ruin. which i think is the closest kristoph comes to respect or affection. like i think the fact that phoenix is worth so much of kristoph's time is more attachment than kristoph has had to the vast majority of people in his life. and then on the flipside i think this is really validating to phoenix in a lot of ways. like phoenix knows kristoph sucks and he makes him feel like shit but at the end of the day kristoph is like a professional adult phoenix's age who is attractive and wealthy and still considers phoenix to be, like. any kind of company. i think the fact that kristoph is just willing to spend so much time with phoenix endears him to phoenix more than he'd like to admin, because phoenix is kind of just used to people who Bail when they have other shit going on in their life. and phoenix is an insane obsessive freak so even though kristoph's reasons for being Obsessed With Him are bad i think 8yg phoenix would be in a bad enough place that he'd consider the fact that the obsession going on there is mutual is the closest thing to a reciprocal relationship he has any reason to expect from someone, with edgeworth mostly out of the picture. like a sort of 'no attention is bad attention' kind of thing

griffonage: reading this like the haha yes sicko guy

zoejay: i also DO think phoenix is bringing some 'i can fix him' energy into his relationship with kristoph i dont think phoenix had any reason to believe kristoph was a murderer until zak gramarye was killed and up until that point nothing kristoph had really done was that much worse than stuff that edgeworth did or that iris did that phoenix forgave them for

griffonage: youre so right about kristoph respecting him like it really does seem like that from the game dialogue and i havent seen that angle explored in anyhting ive read or seen yet. hmmmmmmmm fascinating… i can fix him energy sjdklfjgkhfkjdhfdkjdkj he would

zoejay: like phoenix in turnabout trump makes it out to apollo like this is the culmination of a long term plan phoenix has had to bring down kristoph but then you see in the flashback stuff in turnabout succession that phoenix literally didn't even remember apollos name the night of the murder but despite not really knowing anything about apollo, he still calls kristoph to represent him there are really only two ways this reads to me

griffonage: i missed that detail!!!!

zoejay:

phoenix, after finding out from zak gramarye that apollo was trucy's brother, took a complete gamble on him and decided to call kristoph's firm specifically to let apollo represent him at the last minute under the assumption that apollo, despite being kristoph's protege, would do the right thing and turn on his mentor

or, what i consider to be much much more likely

phoenix genuinely called kristoph to be his defense attorney s his kneejerk response to getting into trouble, and, in true phoenix fashion, figured out exactly how much shit he was in halfway through and had to scramble at the last minute to turn the situation around like i have spent an obsessive amount of time rereading the scraps of phoenix and kristoph interaction we get in aa4 and it really just seems to me like phoenix legitimately considered kristoph his friend he just seems genuinely upset that he can't figure out why kristoph killed zak gramarye

[quoted text]

Phoenix: For seven years we've been friends… …and yet, I still don't understand you. Kristoph: But Wright, your "friendship" toward me was never pure. …You suspected me then as you still do now, don't you? Phoenix: …Honestly, right now, I'm not sure what I think.

this shit makes me want to kill myself

griffonage: i have to agree that opt. 2 is MUCH more likely i never bought into the "this was all part of my master plan" theory. like oh of course you know, phoenix wright. always prepared never caught off guard. never bluffs

zoejay: RIGHT LIKE

griffonage: oh my god

zoejay: THATS LITERALLY HIS WHOLE THING

griffonage: ooohhhhhhhhhhhh i bet kristoph saying he thought phoenix always suspected him ow

zoejay: [screenshot]

Phoenix: …After that, he was killed. And I asked you to help me. …Because I remembered your kindness back when everyone had turned on me.

phoenix literally says this to kristoph in this scene

[screenshot]

Phoenix: …After that, he was killed. And I asked you to help me. …Because I remembered your kindness back when everyone had turned on me.

griffonage: fuck

zoejay: and it's like. he has zero reason to be lying here because i dont think he'd try to emotionally manipulate kristoph using this avenue i think this is just genuinely how he feels

griffonage: this is. a shakespearean tragedy disguised as a c plot

zoejay: and its like. we know how fucking entrenched phoenix gets with Anyone who is willing to stick their neck out for him even a little. i fully believe he was all in on this and it hurt like shit to have it all down this way i think over the course of the 7yg phoenix was investigating kristoph for fraud/forgery but the fact that he was just capable of both violent, physical, crime of passion murder and then extremely calculated premeditated murder attempts were both kind of completely blindsiding to him

griffonage: YEAH that makes sense listen a little fraud forgery is entirely excusable its fine

zoejay: and it's not until after that shit all gets aired out that he's really able to look back on his relationship with kristoph in retrospect and realize just how manipulative and fucked up a lot of what was happening there was from both sides like i don't think phoenix is self aware enough to question the legitimacy of his own interpersonal fuckery a lot of the time i believe he navigates all of that stuff on pure instinct

griffonage: oh 100%

zoejay: anyway. thats more or less the tldr of my krisnix manifesto

griffonage: i cant imagine he doesnt blame himself for not seeing kristoph for who he truly is either bc like he was probably the closest person to kristoph in the world and all he does for his job is read people and yet. he was blindsided.

zoejay: YES YES EXACTLY EXACTLY LIKE HES LIKE WOW INSTEAD OF STOPPING THIS GUY ROM MURDERING TWO PEOPLE, ORPHANING TWO YOUNG GIRLS, I LET HIM RUN RINGS AROUND ME BECAUSE HE FLATTERED MY EGO AND I WAS LONELY IT WOULD EAT HIM ALIIIIVEEEEEE

griffonage: GOD. YEAH.

zoejay: like knowing that trucy had to have her father die because he couldnt get his act together so fucking nasty to me

griffonage: AWFUL HATE THAT IM EATING IT ANYWAY he cant even say kristoph was this master manipulator who fooled everyone around him either bc there were probably red flags and signs i mean 7 years

zoejay: anyway thats why i need to someone do some sort of krisnix thing because everyone is taking it from a very different angle than i am like i do see his relationship with phoenix as bare minimum extremely unhealthy and easily veering into the territory of emotionally abusive. but i think its very much a boiled frog situation where phoenix wouldn't be able to realize let alone articulate that until after the context of This Man Is A Violent Murderer comes up.

griffonage: i like this version a lot better because theyre both getting something from each other but it's not purely a manipulative thing. its more complex and messy and emotionally involved than that which makes the blowup 1000x worse plus on a character level it is innately tied into phoenix's like…flaws ig its literally giving classical greek tragedy

[End transcription]

okay here are my thoughts on krisnix from my dms with grace last night, for posterity

[teddybeartoji]

AAAAAAA SO EXCITED FOR YOU TO WATCH PAPRIKA AAAAAAAAA ITS SOOO GOOODDD!!!! PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE LET ME KNOW WHEN YOU DO

isle of dogs omg.. waterfalls from my eyes that movie made me cry especially the ‘idk why i bite’ scene ohh good heavens what did u think of it?

OMGGG I ALSO LOVE REWATCHING STUFF INSTEAD OF WATCHING NEW ONES two film bros but on the other ends of the spectrum… (we’re both little nerds)

david flincher ahh he’s so good omg i never watched fight club because i was sooo full of my self and swore i wasn’t “like other film fans” (ummm i was lying i love all the classics) but i secretly wanted to watch it right? but since i never watched it on time the plot twist of the movie was spoiled to me by a video from a comedy youtuber LOLLL i was so annoyed at myself

SOCIAL NETWORKK YESS i loved that movie idk i like jesse eisenberg he’s a silly awkward lil guy he did a good job!!

OH GUY RITCHIE!! dont kill me but i havent seen many of his films aaaa will make sure to check out his stuff aaaaa

TARANTINO LOL no i get it he’s good he has great films i have a pulp fiction poster in my rolm (never beating the film bro allegations) his films are very well done

INDIANA JONES YIPPEEE my first introduction to the franchise was through a lego game my mom got me for christmas… changed the trajectory of my life im afraid…. which indiana jones film is your favorite? mine has to be the last crusade its such a fun movie to me!!!!

i saw u also like video games :333 im a huge video game nerd ehehehe do you have any favorites?

HI HELLO MY FELLOW FILM BRO HIII:333333333333 I HOPE YOU'VE BEEN DOING WELL!!!!!! OKE BUT THE "I DON'T KNOW WHY I BITE" SCENE WAS SOOOO WAHHHH THAT HIS TO HARD:(((((((((((((((((((((((((( i loved that film so fucking much

NOOOO NOT THE SPOILED FIGHT CLUB PLOTT THAT'S SO UNFORTUNATE!!!!!!!!!!!! i actually only saw it like two years back and i truly don't even know how i managed to avoid the spoilers.. or maybe i just like blurred them out in my head bc the plot twist was soo so delicious when i did finally watch it i liked it a lot!!!!!!!!!! but yeah it's one of my feel good films lmao i think it's so so funny and i love the soundtrack too!!! OH AND JESSE EISENBERGG!!!!! HE'S FUCKING AMAZING IN THE SOCIAL NETWORK he scratches my brain so good

AAA DON'T YOU EVEN WORRY ABT GUY RITCHIE!!!!!!!!!!! i really don't judge others for what they have seen and for what they haven't bc like.. ppl have lives and stuff to do and also i feel like people's experiences with films can be so different purely based on their childhoods and their parents. liiike i've always been a big movie Watcher bc of my dad!!!! he took me to the cinema a lot a lot when i was younger so obviously it's like second nature to me in a way. sorry i'm like rambling abt it now but i just remember how at my last workplace i tended to talk abt films a lot too and then my coworkers were constantly apologizing for not having seen most of them and i was just always trying to reassure them that i really don't judge them for it. i was just trying to recommend them stuff in a sense of . i hope you'll remember that i once said it was good and not in like a Oh i hope you go home and watch it right away and report back to me . LIKE NOOO😭😭😭 everybody should watch what they want and when they want. there are like a million billion different films out there it's not really a competition of who gets to watch all of them first lmao

oh this also reminded me of smth that irked me off so bad,, i was talking to this other coworker and i was telling her that i'm gonna go and see babylon. they said that the name doesn't ring a bell and i was just like ohh!! it's by damien chazelle but that didn't ring any bells either WHICH I THINK IS VERY OKAY ppl aren't good with names and i get that, so i brought up whiplash bc yk that's his most known film right and then she was like OHHHH and told me that she's heard abt it but she hasn't seen it. which is again. very normal😭😭😭 i definitely know some ppl who would make a bit of a scene like OH WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU HAVEN'T SEEN WHIPLASH IT'S SUCH A BIG FILM WDYM WDYM but i genuinely do not care i just said that ok and that i recommend it to her bc it is good.

and then i remembered that oH la la land also exists lmao and then she just beamed at me like OOOMG I LOVE LA LA LAND IT'S SO GOOD I LOVE IT SO MUCH aaaand then it was my turn to be like. oh i actually haven't seen that one yet lmao

and.

THEN SHE MADE A SCENE ABT IT. ALL HUFFING AND PUFFING WITH HER JAW ON THE FLOOR LIKE😱😱😱😱😱MICKEY THE MOVIE WATCHER HASN'T SEEN LA LA LAND WHAT IS THIS MADNESS HOW CAN THIS BE like can you be fucking serious lmao this made me so mad i would argue that whiplash is bigger than la la land but i didn't say anything abt you not having seen it but now here you are jumping in my face abt la la land............ HHHHHHHHHhh anyway yeah. i think everybody should be a little more calm abt what some ppl have seen and what they haven't thank you for coming to my ted talk hgasghdaghdghashdha

HAHAHHAAH PLSS I WANT THAT PULP FICTION POSTER TOOO that's so cool i would be the proudest film bro ever lmao

ALSO. HELLO. I ALSO PLAYED THE LEGO INDIANA JONES GAME😭😭😭 IT WAS MY FIRST FIRST GAME EVER!!!!!!!!!!!! I LOVED IT SO MUCH i think i still have it somewhere too lmao but yeah indiana jones is my childhood i love the films so much,, mmmmmm if i had to pick my favourite one though........................... HARDEST QUESTION EVER BTWWWWWW god the third one is so fucking good i love the dynamic between indy and his dad sm i adore them buuuut hmmm i think it's either that or the first one for me!!!!! i really can't pick one i'm sorry lmao the second one is amazing too but I LOVEEE MARION SOOOSO MUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SHE MEANS SM TO MEEE SHE'S SOO FUCKING COOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

now now noww... video games.... ohhhhh broooother lmao i could talk abt my faves for hours on end i think but since this reply has gotten so long already i'm just gonna say what they are in an attempt to keep it normal😭😭😭 MY ALLLL TIME FAVOURITE GAME IS THE LAST OF US PART TWOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! genuinely could make like a 12h presentation abt it without any prep lmao i am very obsessed with it. but i also love rdr2, the last two god of war games, tlou1 ofc!!!! UNTIL DAWN!!!!!!!! uncharted!!!!!!! ghost of tsushima!!!!!!!!!!! resident evil but esp the second one and mmmm i recently played the newest dead space remake and i really fucking liked that too that shit was scary as hell wtf...........

I'M SURE THERE ARE MORE GAMES ACTUALLY BUT ENOUGH IS ENOUGH OK NOW IT'S YOUR TIME TO SPEAK😭😭😭😭😭😭 so please please pretty please tell me abt the video games you like!!!!!!! aand any other movies that come into your head okay i wanna hear all abt them!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[bakatenshii]

Angel I’m scared to start a writing blog because of writer discourse and hate anons, do you have any advice for staying out of that stuff?

hi hi!! first off AHHH WELCOME, PLEASE START ONE MY LOVE! and if/when u do pls dm me ur url so I can follow u hehe <33

personally I don’t actually get involved with a lot of discourse, save for two (one which I inserted myself into) about dc, nor do I get hate at all! I genuinely believe that if you don’t interact with hate anons or negativity, they won’t continue to pursue you, and if they do, then that’s someone’s personal vendetta against you rather than a generic hate anon.

in terms of writer discourse, I feel as if there really isn’t as much as you’d think, especially if you don’t engage with them. anti-dc discourse will always be around, but as long as you don’t interact with it and block the accounts, it might as well not exist to you. because people are entitled to their own opinions and this platform’s just a cesspit of people who want to talk all about their opinions, so there’s truly no need to be involved.

this is my mantra at this point but— people need to remember that at the end of the day, we’re writing porn about cartoon characters on a platform that’s been dead since 2014. we’re not shit. this is all shits n gigs, a lil side hobby to kill our time and escape the shitshow thats the world rn.

I guess to sparknotes this: hate is not as rampant as you’d think! if you receive any, block and ignore them, because the more you entertain them the more they’ll come back. in terms of writing discourse, if it doesn’t directly accuse you of anything, there’s no need to be involved. sometimes you might get vagued or shaded, that’s fine! that’s their own opinion and it’ll only spiral into a proper discourse if you try to argue with them. once again, don’t entertain them.

Sure we see loads of discourse and hate on the daily, but the truth is the sheer amount of love and support and the friends we make on here truly washes that all out. ♡♡

[stagefoureddiediaz]

really its because of you that ive become sort of. not obssesed but like whenever i watch the show i just. keep looking at the costumes! trying to look for the patterns in your theories and its become one of my favorite parts of this hahahah anyway, the point is i was reading some of your check theory posts earlier today and now i started rewatching animal instincts (mind you i havent read your costume meta for that ep, i shoumd have done my homework!) and it was just really interesting to see it play out perfectly! specially in the scenes with buck + connor and cameron. like, in the dinner scene buck (buck's in black, i already read that disscusion) but also connor was in check! and cameron's shirt had like a big floral pattern and all i could think about was how that was sort of a reflection on what they would bring to buck after that scene! (which also like, reinforces the idea that the sperm donor thing is a Bad Idea), then connor wearing check to buck's loft later, aaaand my favorite, which i actually spotted during my first watch, was the stripes haha (i also think like half my dash was people going insane over that last monday), and the fact that buck wasnt the only one wearing the stripes, but i dont remember exactly what was the difference between vertical and horizontal stripes rn hahaha because ofc buck saying yes to the donation is supposed to be this big life change for connor and his wife, but i dont know what it all means! im just here chilling and spotting the patterns. idk, your costume theory is stuck on loop in my head and i cannot stop thinking about it!

(and im not even gonna get into the slutty black tanktop of it all and chris's new patterned pjs! thats a job for the professionals)

how did i do? did i get the assignment right? hahahaha anyway thank you for helping me and all of us actually to appreciate the art and thought that goes into costume design, its really interesting to me and i wouldnt have started to learn more about it if it werent for you 💛 have a great weekend and see you next monday!!

jj / babygirldiazz

JJ/ babygirldiazz

I'm so sorry its taken me an age to reply to this! real life got a bit crazy for the last 10 days or so - fighting literal and metaphorical floods and fires at work so I just haven't had the brain power to go through my inbox properly until now!

I adore that you are having fun playing spot the patterns and see if they fit the theory. I hope you're now read the Animal instincts costume meta and that you enjoyed it. you're pretty spot on with your analysis of everything and the thing with stripes is that my theory is about the horizontal ones we see on lots of characters - which Conor was the one wearing in that scene.

The vertical stripes is a specific Buck thing, and they tend to accompany him being emotionally compromised (and invariably ending up making a less than stellar choice). This is really interesting and I've only just fully put two and two together on this (so JJ you get all the praise and gratitude for allowing me to spiral and go on a little Buck costume trawl) but the shooting is the first time we see Buck in vertical stripes.

And thats big - really big - because that is the moment Buck becomes emotionally compromised in a way that he hasn't been able to come back from. Everything that has been and is going on with buck stems back to the shooting. The shooting lead to a host of other choices that were less than ideal - things that he wouldn't have done, choices he wouldn't have made, if the shooting haddn't happened - letting Taylor into his life, saying ILY to her, moving her into his apartment, etc etc etc. all stem from the shooting and all are times when Buck is wearing stripes.

The ones from Let the games begin fit into this pattern - the zip front denim shirt and then the cream shirt both tie into Bucks reluctance to get a new couch - and the questioning of who he is and what he wants - the fact that he's essentially in stasis - and hasn't fully moved on with his life - leading to him trying out self help books etc as a way of figuring out what he wants from life - this is a trauma response in so many ways and those shirts are our sign - a theme the costume designers are using to tell us, the audience, that Buck isn't doing great - that he is mentally unwell and it's why these vertical striped shirts are becoming more frequent in their appearance - because he's not getting better - he's getting worse - spiralling more.

Thats why I've only just been able to really get my head around their use on Buck in the last couple of episodes - it can sometimes take a little while to figure out what a designer is trying to say with patterns and styles, and this is no exception. I fully expect us to be seeing more Buck in vertical stripes going forward until he either fully breaks down, or until he is able to start healing properly - and I'm pretty confident we won't see him stop wearing them until the shooting has been talked about by Buck and Eddie. Its sitting there hanging over them and this show is all the levels of insane and clever for the way they are using all the tools at their disposal to provide clues and information for those of us who want to spend the time looking.

Just going to sit here and feel even more feral about the shooting of it all than I already was!

I hope you have an amazing week JJ and feel free to pop into my inbox whenever you like - you've made my day!

💜💜💜

[rxttenfish]

i think my ideal for miravi, is they unintentionally go from strangers to annoyances to acquaintances to friends to lovers, and if you ask either of them when theyre on the verge of going into the next step, they will VEHEMENTLY deny it.

namely, i think they have to start out poking and prodding and annoying each other. like, theyre both PROUD. theyre both stubborn, and they are superficially very different from each other with different aesthetics. 

miranda mostly has issues with already assuming she's superior to people (and especially people she doesn't know yet) and will unintentionally show it a lot, and being underestimated and put down is the kinda shit that REALLY gets on aaravi's nerves. 

they also generally like challenges. aaravi's fairly obvious, and miranda likes to feel like a conquering party. she comes from a militaristic kingdom, she likes forcibly exerting her will and superiority, she likes KNOWING how to destroy someone and ruthlessly executing it.

however, at this early stage of just knowing each other, they havent really sunk under each other's skin yet. 

miranda in particular- she doesn't like feeling like her hand is being forced. she's all about power and control and, namely, she doesnt actually go all out when she's actually upset by something? i've noticed this a lot, but while miranda has all the power and position of vera and possibly even more, when she's actually angry or hurt, she tends to... close off. pout, i guess. she only ever gets elaborate and extensive in her cruelty when she feels confident about it, and tends to close off otherwise. 

to her, this is more about fun. she's not really feeling anything more complicated than a cat wanting to push a glass of water off the table. this annoyance and this pride sits more in the realm of dramatics and being able to make a show of it without actually risking her pride, and having aaravi push back just makes it more enticing for her to try and figure her out. its purely skin deep.

which is crucial when it comes to aaravi too then, because miranda stops when it starts to go too far. she doesnt actually want to hurt aaravi, not in any way that she can't justify as just being a good time. 

miranda does actually care a lot about the people she spends time with and is clearly trying to make them happy, but she's not very good at figuring that out so far or understanding a lot of intricacies of it. im thinking a lot about the bad review lunch event with miranda and liam, but im also thinking about liam's prom king ending, or zoe's totem ending, or the cockfighting event with her and damien. miranda has a lot of the WANT to be good, but doesnt know how to navigate being good or what goodness even means. 

aaravi, in being the kind of bitey person who will ABSOLUTELY push back and bite back and make it very clear when miranda has gone too far, mostly out of how often she has been mistreated, makes it very clear to miranda what's going on and when she's done something wrong. 

something that miranda can actually understand, and realize that she's made a mistake, and because she has this want to BE good, WILL go back on and realize when she's made a mistake. which further helps in letting aaravi enforce her boundaries in a way thats actually pretty safe, and shows that people ARE willing to work with her and respect her boundaries and what she needs and wants. if the monster stops and tries to help you after it hurt you, you pretty quickly figure out it was an accident, and it wasnt what they were wanting to do. it also means they're willing to listen to you and work with you, not against you.

which generally leads into friendship. 

theyve actually got quite a bit in common from there - you cant convince me that miranda entirely doesnt know how to defend herself (and, for all my problems with it, the bellanda ending does show that miranda knows how to handle herself in combat), even if she might not WANT to do it or think a lot about it, she can still hold her own. 

miranda herself is curious and wants to learn about the land and her friends and experiences outside of her own, and she WILL try things just because the people she cares about are interested in them. hell, she really just likes being included, and so even if she cant cook or doesnt play games, she will still sit beside aaravi and watch her do these things, and she WILL be excited and giddy over even the small things she does. they might not be a lot to ravi, but miranda sure can't do them, and its a lot of smaller acknowledgments and praise that really help. 

its the sense that miranda does look up to her and even trusts her (something that miranda can be too prone to doing - she was deprived of affection too, but she's gone the opposite route from aaravi, now desperate to receive it from anyone she can, which combines badly from lack of experience. not to say bad things havent happened to miranda or that all of her trust isnt hard to earn, she's still from a very backstabbing culture of royals, but people contain multitudes. she can know what to look for in one situation and not know in another, or simply ignore it when she feels compelled to) - and certainly aaravi knows how to get miranda to stop when she needs her to. 

they start seeing pieces of themselves in each other, and letting themselves open up little by little, showing more of themselves to each other and simply trusting the other not to hurt them.

that's why the denial is so bad when anyone else asks about it. 

because neither of them exactly WANT to admit to their weaknesses and moments of weakness, even if it is purposefully showing them to each other and no one else. that act of intimacy feels like a lot and even too much, and directly confronting it is difficult. 

its easier when you feel comfortable, when youre with someone who you feel safe with, and able to handle it at your own pace - but other people pointing it out isnt any of that. 

both of them are very aware of how little words can mean and find more reward in actions, which is why both of them deal with the words of what they are and what they feel last. its almost unnecessary between them, but with other people their walls go back up again and they feel the need to deflect and play it down, even when its OBVIOUS what's actually going on. 

its only after they outright start talking about the other as their girlfriend that that urge really starts to go away, because at that point it doesnt feel like vulnerability anyone, it just feels like who they are and where they feel the best.