#i do still reference the barisi fights | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

poipoi1912 · 7 years ago

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Barisi Episode Tag, 18x17

(Yes, I know Barba wasn’t in this episode. No, I didn’t let that stop me.)

(10.8K. Rafael POV. Fluffy and angst-free. Inspired by Sonny and Rafael wearing almost the exact same outfit, and then wearing literally the exact same outfit. Also inspired by my need to justify why Rafael was missing from Real Fake News, even though Liv needed him. Lastly, in this story I attempt to explain Rafael's softened personality in S18. So this is the Barba version of Flan, I suppose. Oh and, this is sort of a prequel-tag to the finale. It'll make sense when you read it.)

Please enjoy.

~~~

Snapping

~~~

“Is he here yet?”

“No, Mr. Barba. Not yet. I’ll send him in, as soon as he arrives.”

Rafael sighs.

He’s pretty sure Carmen would sigh too, if she weren’t the consummate professional that she is. He’s asked her five times, already, and the meeting isn’t for another ten minutes.

He can’t help it.

Rafael can’t help feeling nervous.

Frustrated.

Useless.

It’s not his case.

He knows that.

It can’t be his case.

Rafael had to quietly recuse himself.

Again.

He knows his record is taking a hit. A last-minute recusal due to blackmail, and then a month-long suspension due to prior misconduct, and then another recusal, due to Rafael’s ‘personal connection’ to the case.

Rafael remembers a time when his record was spotless.

A time when his conviction rate was the envy of every A.D.A. across five boroughs.

A time when he was ambitious, and up-and-coming, and thirsty for victory.

Rafael remembers a time when he didn’t have any personal connections.

At all.

A time when he made enemies in every precinct, because he based his decisions on logic, and odds, and cold hard facts.

Now, Rafael makes friends.

Somehow.

Now, he lets himself get talked into some decisions.

Decisions like getting almost baseless warrants, and prosecuting creeps when the law isn’t quite on his side, and trying cases no one else would touch with a ten-foot pole.

The worst part is, Rafael has no regrets.

He thinks he should, but he doesn’t.

He’s not sure what that means.

If he’s evolved, or devolved.

If he’s become a better person, or a worse prosecutor.

Or both.

Either way, he has no regrets.

None, except for the deterioration of his relationship with the District Attorney, who was not amused when Rafael asked for another recusal, so soon after the last one.

It was bound to happen. Even the world’s most understanding boss can be pushed to the brink. And Rafael has been pushing, for months now. Years, maybe. There’s still trust between them, at least, and some residual fondness, but long gone are the days when Rafael used to be the golden child.

Now he’s the black sheep.

It was bound to happen.

Rafael has no regrets.

He only wishes he could help more.

Work more.

Rafael has only worked one case with Manhattan SVU, in over two months.

One single case.

He’s always on the sidelines.

Always asking for a favor.

It’s a good thing he has friends, now.

The D.A. may not have been amused, but when Rafael asked him to withhold the reasons for both recusals, to protect innocent third parties, he did it without a second thought.

The other A.D.A.’s may not enjoy the heavier caseload, but they always agree to cover for Rafael, whenever he needs to step down.

Rafael appreciates it.

He only wishes it didn’t have to happen so often.

Other prosecutors, trying his cases.

It’s his job.

It’s not theirs.

It’s Rafael’s job to work with Manhattan SVU. It’s his life’s purpose.

Still.

He has no regrets.

He has no choice.

Liv and Noah are more important.

Rafael has to protect them.

That’s why he had to recuse himself. Rafael had to make sure Liv’s privacy and Noah’s lineage were protected. He had to keep himself away from this case, because his very involvement could open the door to some unfortunate revelations.

Duca may be a crackpot, but he has access to a variety of means. Legal and illegal. Money. Crazies with guns. Hackers for hire. If Rafael’s name were to be thrown in the mix, it wouldn’t take long for Duca to put it all together.

To target Liv more aggressively.

More accurately.

Knowledge is power. The less Duca knows, the better.

Rafael prosecuted Noah’s biological father.

Duca doesn’t know that.

If he did, if Duca ever got wind of that, they could all be in trouble. If Duca were to hire someone to look into Noah’s adoption paperwork, sealed or otherwise, he’d find Johnny D.’s name right there, in bold letters. All because Liv just had to be honest. A good hacker could get the job done in minutes. Rafael has been burned before.

And he’d get burned again.

Rafael would be the very next person implicated, as the prosecutor in Johnny D.’s trial. As the same prosecutor who wouldn’t take on Congressman Bolton, because unsubstantiated claims on a hokey website aren’t exactly hard evidence.

That would paint a target on his back.

Duca would have a field day trying to discredit him.

Trying to discredit Liv, too.

It wouldn’t even be that difficult.

The ingredients for a scandal are all there.

Liv ‘just happened’ to personally arrest Johnny D., the biological father of the child she was in the process of adopting.

Rafael, Liv’s close personal friend, a fact that’s easily verifiable, ‘just happened’ to prosecute that same man, offering a suspiciously favorable plea deal, just to manipulate him into relinquishing his parental rights.

Nick Amaro, another one of Liv’s personal friends, not to mention her direct subordinate, ‘just happened’ to shoot and kill Johnny D. in the middle of a crowded courtroom, effectively rendering Noah ‘fatherless,’ as Duca likes to say.

Rendering Noah ‘available.’

There for the taking.

That’s how Duca would frame it. He’d start peddling a new theory. Forget being bribed with babies, Duca would claim Liv set everything up, from arrest to prosecution to murder, just so she could get rid of Noah’s biological father. No need to wait for the courts to decide on custody. Duca would say Liv took it upon herself to make sure she wouldn’t have to drive little Noah to Rikers for parental visitation until his eighteenth birthday.

That’s what Duca would say.

That’s how a wild conspiracy theory would turn into a real story.

Or ‘real.’

These days, there’s not much of a difference.

Rafael can only imagine that headline.

‘Killer Cop Steals Baby.’

Or something to that effect.

Liv doesn’t need that. The ‘real’ fake headline is bad enough.

Let Duca take shots in the dark. Let him post salacious nonsense about ‘flesh’ and using babies as bargaining chips. Let him make a fool of himself.

Rafael will not give him any information he can use.

Rafael will just sit in his office, frustrated and useless, and wait for th-

“Hey, counselor! Sorry I couldn’t get here sooner. Carmen said I should come right in.”

Carisi.

Finally.

Finally, an update.

“How’s Liv?”

Rafael instantly regrets the bluntness of the question. The lack of a greeting. He skipped the pleasantries to save time, but he suspects he only made things worse. They’ll waste even more time, now. Carisi will probably scoff and say something like, ‘Well, hello to you too, Barb-

“She’s good. She’s mad, but she’s good. Especially now that she and Amanda got their kids to New Jersey, until this whole thing blows over. It’s all good. It’s gonna take a lot more than some hack with a website to rattle Liv. Don’t worry about her, Barba. We got her back.”

Oh.

Carisi didn’t waste time. He got straight to the point.

Sometimes Rafael forgets Carisi worries about Liv, too.

“I know, Carisi. I’m jus-”

“You’re just frustrated ‘cause you can’t help. I hear ya.”

Straight to the point, yet again.

Sometimes Rafael forgets Carisi knows him too well.

“Frustrated? Me? Why on earth would I be frustrated, Carisi? Because I had to recuse myself again, five minutes after my suspension? Because that lowlife is posting that drivel about Liv and I can’t prosecute his ass? Because I’m off the case, and out of the loop, and I have to sit here and wait for you to grace me with your presence, if I want to know what’s going on?”

Carisi smiles in sympathy and starts unbuttoning his coat.

Rafael wishes he hadn’t said that.

One smile from Carisi, and Rafael regrets snapping.

Carisi hasn’t even sat down yet.

Carisi rushed to the D.A.’s office, all the way from the precinct, just to give Rafael an update in person.

Carisi is winded, which Rafael is only now noticing. It’s like he literally ran there. In fact, knowing Carisi, that’s probably exactly what he did. At the very least, he must have jogged there from his car.

Carisi had no reason to even show up, let alone come running.

Carisi is doing Rafael a favor, out of the goodness of his heart, and he was so eager to get there he’s still trying to catch his breath, and Rafael saw it fit to chew him out for not getting there earlier.

Carisi wasn’t even late.

Rafael sighs.

Carisi has been there for a minute, now, and he’s still standing, and he’s still in his coat and scarf, because Rafael is a very ungracious host.

Rafael hasn’t even said hello.

He hasn’t even asked how Carisi is doing. How things are, back at the precinct, now that two members of the squad are being targeted like this.

It can’t be easy.

Carisi is empathetic to a fault, and he always gets worked up when a case involves children, so this can’t be easy for him, either. And Fin, too. He’s been especially sensitive to children, ever since he became a grandfather. That’s according to Carisi’s random blathering, at least. Rafael has yet to witness said sensitivity in person.

Probably because he has only worked one case with SVU, in over two months.

Anyway.

Now that Rafael has remembered his manners, not to mention his own empathy, or something close to it, he’ll ask Carisi all about it.

As soon as Carisi takes a seat.

As soon as Carisi takes off that coat, maybe the jacket, too, and gets comfortable in Rafael’s leather armchair.

That’s what they do. Carisi sits in the armchair, with his jacket draped over one of its arms, and Rafael sits on the couch, and they’re so close their knees sometimes touch, and they rely on the coffee table to keep them apart.

That’s what they do.

They huddle together over that damn table, over piles of paper and cups of coffee and half-eaten pastries, always courtesy of Carisi, and they work.

They talk.

Carisi did just show up empty-handed, but Rafael is sure that’s because he didn’t want to be late.

It doesn’t matter.

It’s not about the coffee.

Well, most of the time it is about the coffee, at least as far as Rafael is concerned, but it’s not just about the coffee.

Rafael doesn’t let anyone else sit in his armchair.

Only Carisi.

That chair, that expensive leather chair, it’s an antique. It’s Rafael’s favorite spot, in his entire office. It’s his spot. It’s where he always sits when he wants to relax and enjoy a glass of bourbon.

Unless Carisi is there.

Rafael doesn’t mind it when Carisi plops down on that elegant chair like it’s a crusty futon in a dorm room.

Carisi likes sitting in that armchair.

Or on Rafael’s actual desk.

Those are the two only places he deems worthy of his ass, for some reason.

The perfectly comfortable chairs across Rafael’s desk, specifically placed there to seat visitors, they’re no good for Carisi.

Rafael doesn’t mind that, either.

He understands why Carisi does it.

It’s the distance.

Those chairs are too far away. That’s why Rafael never gets up from behind his desk for a perp, or a defense attorney, or a politician.

The distance between Rafael’s seat and those chairs, it establishes an air of formality. Coldness. The desk itself, it’s a symbol of power. The nameplate serves as a reminder of who Rafael is, and it should be clearly visible to his guests, at all times.

That doesn’t apply to Carisi.

Carisi knows who Rafael is.

No reminder necessary.

That’s why Rafael always gets up for him.

To eliminate the distance.

Carisi is already hovering over the armchair, so Rafael gets on his feet. Maybe he can’t have his favorite spot now that Carisi is there to occupy it, but the couch is a decent substitute.

Rafael hasn’t even sat down yet, when Carisi lamentably takes off his red scarf.

That’s always the first thing he does, every time he wears it. Rafael noticed it a while back. Carisi almost looks uncomfortable wearing it, for some reason, even though it looks fantastic against his pale skin. It’s too loud for him, maybe. Maybe Carisi feels the red attracts too much attention.

Rafael happens to think that a hint of red attracts just the right amount of attention, but being a snazzy dresser isn’t for everyone.

As if to prove that, Carisi proceeds to take off his generic navy pea coat, revealing a dull but passable brown suit underneath.

Carisi starts unbuttoning his jacket, too, and Rafael settles down on the couch, where the view of a disrobing Carisi is a little bit better.

At least Carisi is wearing a blue shirt today. That’s something, even if the shade of the blue tie he’s chosen doesn’t add much to the ensemble. It brings out Carisi’s eyes, and that’s good enough.

Rafael always thought Carisi should wear blue more often, but there’s just something about off-white, apparently. Carisi loves it. White, whiter, a little less white, white-ish, beige if Carisi is feeling adventurous. Rafael never understood why so many people are afraid of color.

The one and only saving grace in Carisi’s wardrobe are those vests he wears, on an almost daily basis. A good vest is the easiest way to elevate a plain outfit. Carisi’s actually wearing a nice brown vest today, and th…

Wait.

“What are you wearing, Carisi?”

Carisi grins as he finally sinks into Rafael’s armchair, coat and jacket and scarf haphazardly thrown behind him.

“What’s it look like I’m wearing, Barba? A suit.”

Uh-huh.

“Any reason you’re wearing that particular suit? Today?”

Carisi shrugs and starts rolling up his sleeves.

Slowly.

Innocently.

It’s not convincing in the least. His grin alone is damning evidence.

“I don’t know. I just thought it looked good. Why? You don’t think it looks good, counselor?”

This feigned nonchalance does nothing to help Carisi’s case.

Rafael is onto him.

“It looks fine. On any other day, I might even compliment you on it.”

Carisi frowns.

“What, you’re not gonna compliment me today? Guess I got all dressed up for nothin’.”

Rafael barely stops himself before rolling his eyes.

“I might as well compliment myself, Carisi. Seeing as we’re wearing the exact same outfit.”

Carisi’s poker face is impressive.

He assumes a completely neutral expression, like he has no idea what Rafael is talking about.

There’s no reaction at all, as Rafael loosens up his own blue tie, and fiddles with the lapel of his own brown vest, and starts undoing the cuffs of his own blue shirt, that’s a perfect shade match for Caris-

“The exact same outfit? That’s kind of a reach, Barba. We’re both wearin’ a brown suit. You, me, and half the guys in this building.”

Right.

“Right. And the shirt?”

The corners of Carisi’s lips move. It’s a small flinch, but it’s enough to make his dimples show, just for a second.

“What about it? You got the exclusive on blue shirts?”

This time, Rafael does roll his eyes.

“I have the exclusive on the clothes I’m currently wearing.”

Carisi finally breaks.

Into a smile.

“I never said you didn’t.”

Rafael sighs.

“No. You just happened to pick this outfit. Today.”

Carisi’s dimples appear again.

“Yep. You said it, counselor. I picked it. Guess we both got great taste.”

There’s an irony in that statement, and Rafael appreciates it.

He does not appreciate copycats.

“At least take off the vest, Carisi. We look like twins.”

Carisi grins, probably because he knows they do not look like twins.

Not by a long shot.

They just look like two grown men who are wearing matching outfits, for some reas-

“Twins? Nah. More like one half of a barbershop quartet.”

Of course.

Why didn’t Rafael think of that?

“Come on, Carisi. Enough with the jokes. We can’t walk around in the same outfit all day.”

Carisi keeps grinning.

“Why not? It’s not like we’re gonna spend the day together. You can’t work this case, which means you won’t be coming to the precinct. So what if we’re wearing similar outfits? Who’s gonna know?”

Carisi is sticking to his story.

‘Similar.’

‘Similar’ outfits, even though their suits are pretty much the same shade of brown, and their vests are near-identical, save for the fact Rafael’s vest has a silk back, and they’re both wearing foulard ties in a muted dark blue, and Carisi is literally wearing the same exact shirt as Rafael, just in a different size.

Rafael takes solace in the fact Carisi’s foulard is more understated and basic, whereas his own has a bolder and more eye-catching pattern.

Well, some solace.

“I’ll know, Carisi.”

Carisi snorts.

He’s enjoying this.

Rafael is not.

“Maybe I won’t come to the precinct, but you came here. You are here, in my office. What if one of my colleagues sees you? Sees us, in our ‘similar’ outfits?”

Carisi is still all smiles.

Rafael would smile back, but he doesn’t want to give Carisi the satisfaction. Even though it’s hard not to smile b-

“What, you’re afraid somebody’s gonna see our outfits look kinda similar, and that’ll reflect poorly on ya? ‘Cause you’ll be wearing the same thing as me? ‘Cause the stylish Rafael Barba put together the same outfit as Dominick Carisi, Jr.?”

Oh no.

Rafael hadn’t even thought of that.

“I hadn’t even thought of that.”

Carisi cracks up, likely at the panicked expression on Rafael’s face.

“Sorry to cramp your style, counselor. Guess you’re gonna have to live with it.”

That is true on so many levels.

“I will do no such thing, Carisi. You will fix this.”

Carisi smirks, like he has absolutely no intention of fixing this.

“Fix this? What do you want me to say, Barba? Wait, I know. You wore it best. Congrats. Alright? Did I fix it? Are we good?”

They are not good.

“You’ve had your fun, detective. Now take off that vest.”

Carisi keeps smirking, like he has absolutely no intention of taking off that vest.

Which is a shame.

For a moment, Rafael pictures Carisi gettin-

“No way. If one of us has to change, it’s gotta be you. You’re the one with the problem. I don’t mind us matching.”

Resisting a smile wasn’t easy for Rafael, but resisting a sneer is impossible.

“Clearly.”

Carisi chuckles.

“I’m serious, Barba. If you’re so offended, you change. Besides, I can’t take off the vest. Vests are my thing.”

Okay.

Now Carisi is just messing with him.

“I wore vests when you were in kindergarten. I doubt you even owned a vest before you met me. Vests are my thing.”

Carisi dares to raise an eyebrow.

It’s not enough he’s copying Rafael’s outfits, now he’s moved on to copying Rafael’s expressions, too, and th-

“I thought suspenders were your thing.”

One of these days, Rafael swears he’s going to reassert himself. Carisi has gotten way too comfortable.

“They are. I have many ‘things,’ Carisi. Unlike you. I have suspenders, and floral ties, and pocket squares, and pastel polo shirts. And vests. So take it off. Now.”

Carisi blinks.

His lips come apart.

It’s probably an involuntary reaction to Rafael’s commanding tone.

Carisi is probably imagining Rafael uttering those same words, in that same tone, under very different circumstances, and that has to be more than a little distracting.

Looks like Rafael just found a quick way to gain the upper hand w-

“You’re makin’ my point for me, counselor. You got many things. Vests are my one and only thing. Ergo, you should change.”

Oh.

Looks like Rafael has a long way to go until he can reestablish dominance over Carisi.

That’s alright.

There’s plenty of time.

For now, Rafael will keep it simple. A classic taunt should do.

“Ergo?”

Carisi laughs quietly.

Happily.

Rafael smiles, after all.

These little moments, over the coffee table, these little conversations, Carisi’s jokes, Carisi’s dimples, deep lines cutting into his skin, almost as deep as those frown lines on his forehead, they’re a pretty good reason to smile.

The only reason, sometimes.

When Rafael is suspended or otherwise sidelined, when he can’t work, when he can’t help, when he can’t find anything else in his life that’s good, these little talks with Carisi, they do the trick.

“Did you honestly think using Latin would win you this argument, detective?”

Carisi is still laughing.

He’s close enough to touch, now, he’s leaning all the way forward, and Rafael thinks th-

“Worth a shot. Hey, instead of me takin’ off the vest, and ruining my signature look, why don’t you just grab somethin’ out of your stash? We’re in your office. Don’t you have a spare shirt you can change into, or something? A shirt that’s a different color? Or another tie? Don’t you have, I don’t know, an extra pair of suspenders lying around? In case of a fashion emergency?”

Rafael doesn’t even know where to begin. ‘Fashion emergency,’ or the ridiculous notion that Carisi has a ‘signature look.’

“I put a lot of thought into this ensemble, Carisi. I refuse to defile it with mismatched accessories, just because of you. And, yes, I did keep an extra pair of suspenders here, but I had to use them. You see, there was an emergency, the other day. Right here, actually. On this couch. The pair I was wearing at the time, it snapped. The back piece was torn off. The leather flap was frayed. Ruined. They were custom made, too. They had great sentimental value. Such a pity.”

Carisi leans even closer, like he’s intrigued. Like he wants to know more about that mysterious ‘emergency’ on the couch. Carisi looks like he sympathizes. His brow is practically furrowed in concern.

Bullshit.

As if Carisi gives a damn about Rafael’s fancy accessor-

“That sucks.”

How poetic.

“It does suck. Especially because I’ve neglected to replace that pair, which means I’m all out of suspenders. Ergo, you should change.”

Carisi’s grin is getting very annoying. So what if Rafael felt like using Latin too? That doesn’t mean h-

“You’re still on that, Barba? Let it go. I gotta leave in a few minutes, anyway. Liv’s expecting me back at the station. I’ll make sure to button my coat before I go, all the way up. Alright? Nobody’s gonna see what I’m wearing.”

Oh.

Rafael’s reason to smile is about to walk out the door.

Story of his life.

At least he can trust Carisi to come back.

“Don’t be so sure, detective. Someone could still see your poor imitation of my outfit. Someone could walk into my office, before you leave. Right now, someon-”

Someone’s at the door.

Right now.

Someone’s knocking.

Carisi has the audacity to laugh.

“Come on, Barba, it’s just Carmen. She kn-”

“Mr. Barba, A.D.A. Caliay is here to see you.”

It is Carmen.

It is not, however, just Carmen.

It’s Rose, too.

To his credit, Carisi attempts to stifle his laughter. And he keeps his mouth shut, too.

Prudently.

Rafael is this close to telling him t-

“Mr. Barba? She says she doesn’t have much time.”

Of course she doesn’t.

“Let her in, Carmen.”

Carisi sits up and moves away, just a little.

Moves out of reach.

That’s all.

Carisi makes no attempt to fix this mess. To put on a jacket, at least.

There’s no way Rose won’t notice.

And she does.

As soon as she walks in, Rose stops in her tracks.

Well, first she looks at Rafael’s empty desk, and when she finds no one there, she turns to the armchair.

It’s Rafael’s favorite spot.

It’s where he always sits.

Unless Carisi is there.

Carisi is there, so Rose turns to the couch, and that’s when she finally sees Rafael. And Rafael’s outfit.

Her eyes immediately flit back to Carisi.

Then, back to Rafael.

Then, back to Carisi.

This goes on for several seconds.

Rose’s eyes, darting back and forth.

Her brain, trying to process what she’s seeing.

All the while, Carisi is just sitting pretty. Like nothing’s wrong. Like he and Rafael didn’t get caught wearing practically the same outfit.

Carisi is just smiling politely, or casually, or charmingly, or stupidly.

Or something.

Rafael’s smile is a little less charming, and a lot more fake.

Rose will definitely have some questions later.

This has never happened before.

Ever.

Rafael’s outfits are always unique, and creative, and striking. He always stands out among the other lawyers, not to mention the cops, with their basic blues and their gloomy greys and their washed out whit-

“Rafael, I, uh… I won’t keep you two… I won’t keep you long. I just wanted to give you an update on the Duca subpoena. Do you have time? Or are you… Am I interrupting? Are you guys working on something?”

Rafael can’t even lie.

He can’t pretend he’s working.

He can’t pretend Carisi is there for a case, even though that is kind of true.

Rose would never believe him.

Why would she?

Rafael and Carisi, they’re just lounging in their matching outfits. That’s what it looks like. That’s what it is. There are no case files on the table in front of them, no open folders, no scattered documents, no laptops. Even their phones are still tucked away in their pockets. Aside from them being colleagues, there’s nothing to suggest this is a work-related meeting.

There’s not even any coffee on the damn coffee table, which is there for that explicit purpose, and everybody knows Rafael Barba does not work without coffee.

Rafael and Carisi, they were too busy chatting to even pour themselves a cup.

They were too busy arguing.

Too busy flirting.

Carisi didn’t even give Rafael a real update on the case. Nothing after that first question about Liv. Rafael didn’t even ask a follow-up. He spent all morning worrying about her, but one vague, ‘she’s good,’ from Carisi, and Rafael felt perfectly reassured. That was the last they spoke of the case. Rafael moved on to something more fun, like arguing with Carisi about suspenders.

For fifteen minutes.

Carisi has a way of reassuring him.

Even when they’re arguing, which has been happening a little more lately, even when their arguments are legitimate, and serious, and not a thinly veiled attempt to flirt, even then, Carisi’s presence is reassuring.

Always.

Rafael always loses track of time, when they’re sitting in this little corner, in his office, over the coffee table that’s more of a prop and less of a t-

“Rafael? Are you busy? Because I am. I need to leave in about five minutes.”

Rose.

Right.

Rafael hasn’t said a word since she came in.

To say that’s embarrassing would be an understatement, and yet it’s not even the most embarrassing thing currently happening to him. That honor goes to Carisi’s quiet snort.

“No. No, go ahead, Rose. What did you want to tell me?”

Rose shoots Carisi another fleeting look, but she doesn’t ask if she can speak freely in front of him.

Rafael is glad. Carisi would find that very upsetting. He may not be an A.D.A., but h-

“I found a case I can use, to prevent Duca from blocking the subpoena. United States versus Sterling. ‘So long as a subpoena is issued in good faith, based on the legitimate need of law enforcement, the government need not make any special showing to obtain evidence, criminal conduct from a reporter in a criminal proceeding.’”

Oh.

That’s gr-

“That’s great, Rose! Even if the judge agrees to treat him like a legitimate journalist, the subpoena will stand. Because there’s a legit-”

“There’s a legitimate need for the information that’s on his hard drive. Exactly! Exactly, Carisi. We need that evidenc-”

“We need that evidence to save those girls. Yeah. That’s awesome! That’s a slam dunk! How did you find this case?”

Rafael isn’t even surprised.

Rose was supposed to be updating him, but Carisi is the one who’s getting the detailed update. Carisi is the one who’s eagerly asking all the questions, and Rose seems equally eager to answer them.

Carisi’s stupid smile must be charming, after all.

At least Rose seems to think so. She cracks a smile of her own, a genuine, real smile, nothing like the awkward smile she’s been giving Rafael this whole time, and she starts explaining her research to Carisi, step by step. She even moves closer, to stand over him, and Carisi is looking up at her like she’s giving him the answer to life, the universe, and everything.

That’s nice.

For them.

Rafael remembers when he used to get excited over case law.

A long, long time ago.

Maybe he could be a little more helpful, when Carisi asks him these questions. A little less dismissive. A little more specific. He usually rattles off a case title and lets Carisi worry about finding it, let alone making sense of it. Rose is taking a more hands-on approach, citing journal articles and websites, and Carisi seems to be responding favorably. Hell, Carisi is half a second away from busting out the notepad, and that makes Rafael irrationally jealous.

Thankfully, the notepad stays in Carisi’s pocket.

Rafael likes to think the notepad is reserved just for him. Just for his pearls of wisdom, which Carisi always seems to lap up.

In truth, Carisi probably has no time to get his notepad. He’s too busy absorbing all that information. He’s too busy staring into Rose’s eyes.

Rose keeps talking.

She only stops when Carisi interrupts her to ask for clarification, and then she graciously elaborates.

Rafael never lets Carisi ask for clarification. And, as a mentor, he is anything but gracious.

He’s also anything but a mentor, but that’s a whole other issue.

Rose keeps on talking.

She said she only had five minutes to spare, but she appears to have forgotten that.

Rafael decides to remind her.

“That sounds good, Rose. A slam dunk, as Detective Carisi astutely observed. But shouldn’t you be heading out? I thought you were supposed to be in Motions Court in a few minutes.”

Rose frowns, like she really did forget. Or maybe like she lost track of time.

Rafael doesn’t blame her. Carisi has that effect on peopl-

“Right. Yeah, I’m heading out now. I just wanted to tell you about this in person. You said you wanted regular updates on the case, so I thought I’d drop by, on my way to court. It beats a phone call. I know this case is important to you.”

Rafael nods.

Even when he’s unable to work a case, for reasons out of his control, he has trusted colleagues who are his eyes and ears. Colleagues who can fill in for him, and take over his cases, and win, just like he would have.

Rafael has friends, like Rose.

Like Carisi.

People who know when something hits him hard.

People who want to help him feel less frustrated.

More involved.

That means a lot.

“I appreciate that, Rose. Really. You didn’t have to come by my office, but I’m glad you did. Thank you. And that was a great find. You’ll have no problem with the subpoena. Good job.”

Rose grins.

Her grin is almost Carisi-esque in its brightness.

Sometimes Rafael forgets Carisi isn’t the only one who admires him to an almost disturbing degree. There are several younger A.D.A.s at the Manhattan office, Rose being one of them, and they all look up to him. Any one of them would kill for such praise from the less-than-effusive Rafael Barba.

That thought should make Rafael feel good about himself, and it sort of does, but it also makes him feel old. Rose, and Carisi, for that matter, they’re from a different generat-

“Don’t mention it, Rafael. It’s my pleasure.”

Rafael smiles.

Carisi smiles too, for some reason. This smile isn’t stupid, though, or charming, or even polite.

It’s sweet.

Carisi is smiling sweetly, as he watches Rose and Rafael smiling at each other, and there’s currently way too much smiling happening in Rafael’s office.

Carisi is smiling like he’s happy to know Rafael has friends, other than him.

Which is endearingly foolish.

Of course Rafael has friends. He has plenty of frien…

Well, he has a few friends, but they’re good ones. All of them.

Well, except for Caris…

No.

Carisi included.

Rafael knows he’s lucky to have Carisi in his life.

Most of the time.

Rafael is lucky to have multiple people who care enough to personally deliver updates in his office, instead of either calling or leaving him out of the loop entirely.

Carisi didn’t have to stop by.

Rose didn’t have to stop by.

They both did, for Rafael’s sake.

Out of the goodness of their hearts.

Actually, Rose is probably also hoping for a quid pro quo, at least if Rafael has taught her anything, but Carisi?

It’s just plain goodness.

Just heart.

It’s not ass-kissing anymore.

Carisi has stopped seeking Rafael’s approval, because somewhere down the line he found his footing. They found themselves on equal ground, which means Carisi no longer caters to Rafael’s every whim.

Now, when Carisi does something nice, when he helps Rafael with a kind word, or a smile, or some pastries and a triple espresso?

Now Carisi is pure of motive.

In some ways, at leas-

“Okay, I’ll be on my way. Carisi, always nice seeing you.”

Oh.

Rose is still there.

She’s still there, and her words might be cordial, but her smile is back to being awkward.

Possibly because she is no longer preoccupied by the case, or Carisi’s dimples, or Rafael’s compliments, so she’s back to wondering why the hell Rafael and Carisi are dressed exactly alike.

It’s bad enough they’ve had matching haircuts for almost a year, now.

Fortunately, Rose really is in a hurry, so she leaves without saying anything else.

Crisis averted.

For n-

“She’s great, huh? A.D.A. Caliay? She really knows her stuff.”

Carisi is grinning. If Rafael didn’t know any better, he’d be expecting Carisi to ask him for Rose’s number.

“Yes. She is great. And she also has eyes. Which means she saw our matching outfits.”

Carisi keeps grinning.

“Eh. So what. It was a coincidence.”

Of course it w-

“For all she knows.”

Rafael rolls his eyes. It’s his automatic reaction to Carisi’s nonsense.

“Shouldn’t you be heading out, Carisi? I thought you were supposed to be at the precinct right about now. Isn’t Liv expecting you?”

Carisi’s grin fades.

Maybe he lost track of time too.

Rafael regrets the fact so much of their meeting was spent arguing, and then listening to Rose’s informative but long-winded explanat-

“Yeah. I’m goin’. Listen, I just want you to know we got it all under control. There’s no need to worry. Alright? I know this is important to you, like Rose said. It’s personal. But we’re good. Liv’s good. She’s more than good. She’s got Duca runnin’ scared.”

Reassurance.

Carisi’s specialty.

Always.

Rafael remembers to ask, this time.

“How about you, Carisi? Are you handling this okay? It’s personal for you, too. I know Liv and Amanda are your friends. You love their kids. How are things at the precinct?”

Carisi’s grin reappears.

Sweet as ever.

“I’m alright, counselor. As for the precinct? I don’t know. I mean, the place ain’t the same without ya. First you had to recuse yourself from the Willard case, and then you got suspended for a month, and now you’re out again. If you stay gone any longer, we’re gonna forget what you look like. We miss you down at the 16th. A lot.”

Carisi is choosing his words very carefully.

‘We.’

‘The 16th.’

Well, somewhat carefully.

‘A lot.’

Carisi let that slip.

Rafael is determined not to react.

Carisi always does this.

He always lets his affection show, at the most inopportune moments.

It mostly happens when Rafael is anxious, or overwhelmed, or otherwise too distracted to see it coming.

Carisi’s sweet talk.

There’s been a lot of that lately.

Carisi keeps trying to sweet talk Rafael, at least when they’re not passionately arguing over interrogation methods or legal strategy or fashion accessories.

They’ve had their ups and downs, these last few months.

Carisi and Rafael both.

Death threats, and failed job interviews, and near-death experiences, and suspensions, and blackmail, and loss.

Things haven’t been easy.

Carisi keeps trying to make them a little easier.

It’s like he thinks his innocuous little comments are enough to make Rafael feel better.

They are.

They’re more than enough, but Carisi doesn’t need to know.

“Dry your eyes, Carisi. I’ll be back on the next case. Just try not to burn the place down while I’m gone.”

Carisi smiles like he totally knows.

Like he knows he just made Rafael’s day, with two stupid words.

‘A lot.’

Rafael tried, but his insults aren’t as effective as they used to be.

They’re not as genuine, either.

Carisi knows that too.

Even so, Rafael decides to give sarcasm another shot.

“Also, and I know this won’t be easy, but please, when I come back, try not to wear the exact same thing as me.”

Carisi chuckles as he gets up. He looks all dimply and bright-eyed and totally unfazed. Rafael’s second attempt at an insult was as ineffective as the firs-

“No promises, counselor.”

Yeah.

“That’ll be all, detective.”

Carisi’s light chuckle turns into real laughter, and Rafael isn’t even mad. He may act like he wants Carisi gone, but the truth is self-evident.

The truth is, Rafael wants Carisi to stay.

Which is not something he can admit.

Not right now.

Not when they’re in the middle of this case, and Liv is waiting.

So Rafael just watches, silently, as Carisi rolls up his sleeves and puts on his jacket.

Finally.

Finally, Carisi covers up the offending items, namely that blue shirt and that brown vest and that generic tie that costs a fraction of what Rafael’s does.

Finally, Carisi puts on his coat, and he self-consciously wraps that red scarf around his neck.

Rafael would revel in the fact they no longer look like twins, or one half of a barbershop quartet, as Carisi more aptly put it, but he’s too busy lamenting the fact Carisi is leaving.

That’s probably a good thing. Rafael has done way too much smiling for one day, and…

And Rafael can’t even finish that thought.

Carisi leaving, it’s not a good thing.

Smiles have always been hard to come by, for Rafael.

And now his reason to smile is about to walk out the door.

Literally.

Carisi is literally at the door, so Rafael gets up to see him off.

Or to walk behind him awkwardly, until they both come to a halt, and then d-

“Alright, alright, I’m goin’. No need to chase me out of here, Barba.”

Rafael’s reluctant steps could never be misconstrued as an attempt to ‘chase’ anyone out, so he chalks that up to Carisi’s terrible sense of humor. If Rafael is walking a little faster, it’s because he wants to beat Carisi to the door and lock it, so Carisi will have to stay.

Wouldn’t that be nice.

Rafael would never actually do it, of course, but he is thinking it, and he’s pretty sure Carisi is well aware of that.

That’s the worst part.

Carisi knows.

Then again, it’s not a particularly well-kept secret.

Even now, they’re both standing by the door, inches apart, and neither of them is moving, because they don’t want to part company.

Neither of them is taking a step.

Carisi isn’t walking out, like he said he would.

Rafael isn’t walking back to his desk, to pretend he has better things to do than engage in a staring contest.

They just stand there.

How could Carisi not be aware?

How c-

“Okay, I’m… I’m gonna be late. I’m leaving. I’ll call you if there’s any news.”

All good things must come to an end.

“You do that, Carisi. Call me. And tell Liv that ADA Caliay and I are in constant communication. Tell her I’m here if she needs me.”

Carisi smiles that sweet smile again.

He has to know this is killing Rafael. It’s obvious by the way he keeps dropping all those reassuring platitudes, like, ‘it’s all good,’ and ‘there’s no need to worry,’ even though that can’t possibly true. This isn’t just any case. This is about Liv and Noah, and Rafael can’t help them right now, so there’s definitely cause for concer-

“Sure thing, counselor. She knows, but I’ll tell her again.”

Rafael’s worry flies out the window.

That tends to happen, when Carisi smiles.

Which would be embarrassing, but in Rafael’s opinion there’s no shame in getting practical use out of someone’s dimples.

In fact, Rafael wonders if he could get Carisi to do his taxes, or check his blood pressure, or measure his cholesterol. He’s curious to see if Carisi’s unique skill of easing his worries applies to more than just case-related stress.

It probably does.

Carisi is still standing there, still not leaving, still smiling, Carisi has a practically smitten look on his face, for some reason, probably because he thinks it’s adorable how much Rafael worries about Liv, or something inane like that, and yet Rafael feels more and more relaxed, every time Carisi exhales.

It’s not just the dimples. The rest of Carisi can be useful, too.

Carisi’s nose, or Carisi’s lungs.

Carisi’s mouth.

They’re standing so close, Rafael thinks he can almost feel the soft puff of Carisi’s breath against his face.

He can’t.

It doesn’t matter. It’s enough to just watch Carisi breathing.

This isn’t the first time Rafael has noticed this. Carisi’s breathing is always slow and steady. You could set a clock to the rise and fall of his chest. Rafael doesn’t know how he does it.

It’s very calming.

Rafael is so calm, he even allows himself to smile back.

That’s what prompts Carisi to finally get a move on.

Carisi takes those last few steps to the door, and he’s practically bouncing on his feet, like all he wanted was to coax one last smile out of Rafael, and now he can leave satisfied.

Rafael finds that both amusing and understandable. This wasn’t the most cordial of meetings, what with Rafael’s perfectly justified accusations, and Carisi’s laughably fraudulent denials, but at least they’re parting on a good note, with smiles on their faces and a warm exchang-

“Oh, counselor, one last thing. I’m rockin’ this outfit. I only said you wore it best to get you off my case.”

Rafael can’t decide between rolling his eyes and face-palming.

Forget about the warm exchange and the smiles.

This is about Carisi being a smartass.

No wonder he had a spring in his step. He was about to unleash this little gem.

One more joke, for the road.

At least Rafael hopes that was a joke. Carisi can’t possibly think he looks better.

Even though he kind of does.

Still, this calls for retribution.

Rafael is about to respond accordingly, and then some, when Carisi reaches for the door handle.

He’s probably trying to escape before Rafael has a chance to even speak.

Not gonna happen.

“Your tie is ugly.”

Not the classiest of insults, but it does the trick.

Carisi turns around immediately, his head snapping back, and he looks…

Dammit.

Carisi looks vindicated.

Gleeful.

Smug.

This is exactly what he wanted, and Rafael took the bait.

Rafael tries not to show his irritation. He’s just glad he didn’t waste one of his good insults, the ones he’s been saving for a rainy day, for when Carisi inevitably gets on his nerves and he needs a real clincher to g-

“You bought it for me, Barba.”

Oh.

Right.

Well.

No one’s perfect.

Rafael’s taste can certainly be questionable at tim-

“What, did you forget? Or were you so eager to insult me, you didn’t stop to think you were insulting yourself in the process?”

Rafael does not answer that question.

Because the answer would be ‘yes.’

He just turns his back to Carisi and walks to his desk.

Rafael hopes it’ll be easier to come up with a good comeback if he’s not directly staring at Carisi’s shit-eating grin.

“I didn’t forget, Carisi. The tie isn’t ugly per se. It just looks ugly paired with that vest. It ruins the whole ensemble.”

Or not.

By the time Rafael settles in his chair and looks up, Carisi’s grin is even cockier.

And rightly so.

That was a terrible comeb-

“That was a terrible comeback, counselor.”

Rafael can’t disagree. Pettiness is his only recourse.

“That’s a terrible outfit, detective.”

Rafael isn’t proud of that childish retort, but it does get a reaction.

Carisi finally loses his grin.

Carisi frowns, and he looks hilariously confused.

“What do you m… We’re literally wearing the exact same thing, Barba! How is my outfit terrible but yours isn’t?”

Success.

“Oh, so now you admit we’re wearing the exact same thing.”

Carisi blinks for a few seconds, which is the amount of time it takes him to realize he’s been busted.

His eyes dart left and right for another few seconds, which is the amount of time it takes him to realize he can’t get out of this one, so he raises his hands in exasperation.

Good.

Rafael is finally getting the upper hand in this argum-

“Okay, okay, fine. Maybe I was inspired by your elegance. Alright? Maybe my outfit is loosely based on yours. It’s an hommage. Alright? Can I get back to work now?”

Not so fast, even though Rafael appreciates the fact Carisi used the French pronunciation of ‘hommage.’

“Sure. You can go, Carisi. As long as you promise to actually ask me for fashion advice, instead of blatantly copying me.”

Carisi laughs under his breath.

He even takes a seat, in one of the guest chairs, for once, probably because he has a bevy of excuses, and this is going to take a while.

Rafael hates it. That’s not where Carisi is supposed to sit. They’re sitting too far apart, and it feels wrong, and Rafael doesn’t like all that distance between th-

“In my defense, counselor, I really didn’t think anybody was gonna see us, ‘cause you were off the case. And, come on, if you didn’t want us wearin’ the same shirt, why did you buy it in two different sizes, and give one of ‘em to me? So I wouldn’t wear it? It’s a gift! I’d never be that rude. This one’s on you, counselor.”

Oh.

Perhaps Carisi has a point.

Rafael did buy him the shirt, too.

It was a good purchase. That lighter shade of blue really brings out Carisi’s eyes, just like Rafael thought, when he bought it. That, and it’s not the usual baby blue, the kind that every other cop wears, when they’re not wearing the typical crisp white shirt. It’s understated, but not boring. In other words, perfect for Carisi.

And also perfect for Rafael’s favorite foulard.

Which is why Rafael bought one in his size, too.

A mistake, in retrospect.

Maybe this is on him. He didn’t think Carisi would combine the shirt with that particular blue tie. Rafael bought them separately, several months apart, so that didn’t even occur to him.

It should have. Carisi isn’t the most fashionable of individuals. He saw blue and blue, and he probably thought, ‘perfect match.’

Perhaps Rafael should start advising Carisi on how to properly wear, combine and accessorize his gifts.

A daunting task, considering the amount of clothes Rafael has bought for him.

Rafael even bought him that red scarf, the one that makes him uncomfortable. The one Carisi keeps wearing, anyway, because he’s not rude.

The one he keeps wearing for Rafael’s sake.

Because it’s a gift.

Maybe Raf-

“Not to mention, aren’t you always tellin’ me I should wear blue more often? Well I did. That’s why I wore this shirt today.”

Rafael can’t believe he ever gave Carisi the benefit of the doubt.

“Oh? Is that why? And here I thought you picked this blue shirt because you saw me putting on my blue shirt, after my shower this morning.”

Carisi smiles like’s he’s willing to concede the point.

And also like he’s picturing Rafael in the shower.

Not ‘picturing.’

Remembering.

Recalling the memory of a scene he’s witnessed a hundred times.

This morning, most recently, in Carisi’s tiny shower stall.

They shower together, more often than not.

‘To save time’ getting ready for work.

That’s how Carisi goaded Rafael into it.

Not that Rafael needed much convincing.

And not that their showers are particularly time-saving. Carisi always finds a way to waste time. Which, to be fair, can be a lot of fun, but not when Rafael needs to be in his office at eight thirty sharp.

Lucky for him, Carisi often has to work even earlier.

But on Carisi’s days off? Or when Carisi has a late shift, or a half-day? On the days when Carisi has all the time in the world to pester Rafael?

On those days, Carisi just lies there and watches as Rafael gets dressed.

Rafael is used to it now, but at first it was truly unnerving. Rafael would be rushing to get ready, like he does every morning, grabbing ties and cufflinks and socks, and he’d turn around to find Carisi, lounging on the bed, watching him.

Nakedly.

Staring.

Like a weirdo.

Like a naked weirdo.

Like a very alluring naked weirdo.

Like a very alluring naked weirdo who made Rafael late for work, four days in a row.

It was maybe the second or third week since they’d started dating. That’s Rafael’s excuse, anyway. On the fourth day, Rafael was so late, he had to ask Carisi to drop him off at the DA’s office, in plain view.

That’s how Carmen found out about them. She saw Rafael coming out of Carisi’s car, and she asked about his unusual tardiness, and Rafael admitted it because Carmen can be very persuasive.

Fortunately, that never happened again.

Being late, that is.

And being interrogated by Carmen.

The rest?

Carisi, being a naked nuisance and watching Rafael get dressed?

That happens all the time.

It’s become a habit.

It’s the main reason why Carisi prefers to spend the night at Rafael’s place. Because that’s when he gets to watch ‘the whole shebang,’ like he says. The outfit selection. The care that goes into it, and the attention to detail, and the importance of color coordination, not that Carisi’s actually learned anything from watching.

When they sleep at Carisi’s place, like they did last night, Rafael brings a duffel bag with an outfit he’s already picked out, and that’s less fun to watch, apparently. It doesn’t compare to Rafael’s enormous closet with his full collection of suits, plus the motorized tie rack that’s as awesome as it is overpriced.

Carisi is far less interested in watching Rafael pull a tie out of a bag. He needs to see the real thing.

Nakedly.

That’s always a vital part of Carisi’s process, for some reason. He can’t observe Barba with some pants on. That’d be crazy.

Rafael thinks Carisi is only doing it to distract him.

It used to work, too.

It’s taken months, but Rafael can finally say he now has the power to resist Carisi’s naked charms.

Most of the time.

Sometimes.

Rarely.

Rafael has resisted once or twice.

Whatever.

What’s important is, Rafael can now time their escapades a little better, so he’s not late for work.

In fact, sometimes, when his schedule permits it, he’ll even put on a show. Rafael will go through several shirts, like he can’t decide. He’ll pull them on and off, slowly, stretching and posing and eyeing Carisi through the full-length mirror, the entire time.

Carisi loves it.

Making eye contact with a half-dressed Rafael through the glass.

Nakedly, of course.

Carisi even asked for permission, a couple of weeks into their relationship, when he realized Rafael was disturbed by his intense looks of concentration at the ass-crack of dawn, before they’d even had their coffee.

‘I just wanna watch you,’ he said.

‘I wanna see how you put it all together. You always look so good. I wanna learn from the best.’

Rafael didn’t have the heart to say no.

Which is new.

Saying no is what Rafael does best.

Or it used to be.

Rafael has been saying yes to Carisi for about eight months, now.

Ever since Carisi was almost shot in the face, which somehow prompted him to show up on Rafael’s doorstep in the middle of the night.

Rafael invited him in.

That was the first yes.

Rafael kissed him back.

That was the second yes.

Rafael let him sleep over.

That was the third yes.

Many followed.

Rafael has yet to say no to Carisi.

It’s been a learning experience.

Saying yes can lead to some unexpected pleasur-

“Like I said, Barba, my outfit is loosely based on yours.”

Even when Carisi is admitting guilt, he manages to stay cocky as hell.

Rafael has to respect th-

“As for the tie, I didn’t think it looked that bad. I figured, since you bought it for me, I couldn’t go wrong with it. Guess not. Guess I still have a lot to learn. Maybe you could give me a few tips. On how to dress.”

Classic Carisi.

Trying to charm his way out of a problem.

And succeeding.

Carisi is presenting a tempting alternative.

Rafael has a lot of experience undressing him, but dressing Carisi could be fun as well. After all, just buying the clothes is clearly not enough. Carisi requires closer supervision.

Specific advice, so he can improve.

“The tie didn’t look bad, Carisi. It was just a little dull, paired with an already muted suit. But overall, you didn’t do such a bad job. The slim-fit vest was a nice touch. And I didn’t even have to buy it for you. And, even though you did copy me shamelessly, I have to admit the shirt looks better on you. That particular shade of blue isn’t doing much for my complexion. You look… nice.”

Carisi smiles a smile so blinding, you’d think Rafael just asked him to move in.

Which, incidentally, is something Rafael has considered.

Once or twice.

Rarely.

Sometimes.

Most of the time.

Rafael thinks about it all the time.

Whatever.

Rafael’s just lucky Carisi hasn’t asked yet. When Carisi asks, and he will, Rafael will have to say yes, and then they’ll have t-

“Thanks, counselor. You don’t look so bad yourself.”

Rafael’s sneer is instantaneous.

“I look amazing, Carisi.”

Carisi’s laughter is also instantaneous.

And boisterous.

And potentially offensive. Carisi better not be laughing because he disagr-

“Yeah. You do.”

Oh.

Rafael can’t stay mad when faced with such flattery.

Such sincerity.

Such devotion.

Rafael can’t stay mad in general.

He’s having trouble with that lately.

Holding onto his anger.

Using it as fuel, like he’s done all his life.

Anger just seems to evade his grasp, these days.

Rafael remembers a time when he was ambitious, and up-and-coming, and thirsty for victory.

Rafael remembers a time when his righteous anger was what allowed him to persevere.

Not anymore.

Now Rafael is fueled by hope.

He’s not sure what that means.

Maybe he has evolved.

Maybe he is a better person.

Maybe Rafael somehow let himself get talked into it.

Into hope.

Maybe Carisi, standing there with a dimply smile and a matching outfit and a red scarf he doesn’t even like, maybe he’s part of the reason why.

Maybe he’s one of the reasons why.

Maybe he’s the main reason.

The only reason.

It’s hard to stay heartless when your heart is beating so loud.

Rafael’s heart always beats louder, and faster, when Carisi is there.

It’s annoying.

For the first few days after they got together, Rafael was convinced he was developing some sort of a heart condition. He thought it was a shame he was on the verge of a cardiac episode, right when he finally managed to get into Carisi’s pants, after two years of trying.

It took a while, but Rafael eventually realized he was just in love.

Talk about shame.

An elevated heart rate because of love, instead of anger.

Not that Carisi doesn’t make Rafael angry, too.

They’ve had their ups and downs, these last few months.

Things haven’t been easy.

Carisi and Rafael, they’ve had their arguments. Work-related, for the most part. Some loud but fleeting, and some quiet but lingering.

They even argue on how to argue.

Carisi tends to blow up, out of nowhere. He snaps, and he yells, and he gets in Rafael’s face, and he even storms off, on the rare occasion, because he likes to air his grievances as soon as they come up. Carisi doesn’t like letting things fester.

When Carisi gets angry, he likes to get it out of his system immediately. One big outburst, and then he’s back to smiling and being sweet and making Rafael elaborate homemade dinners as an apology.

Rafael’s approach is very different. He snaps too, of course, but he snaps constantly. Snapping is practically his default state. It’s when he doesn’t snap that there’s a problem. And letting things fester has always been one of his preferred methods to handle an argument, along with the cold shoulder and petty insults.

When Rafael gets angry, he likes to keep everything bottled up. He likes to gather all of his complaints into a long, long list and then, when Carisi least expects it, Rafael likes to lay it all out, in a perfectly calm and detached manner, all the better to show Carisi that the situation is serious.

It’s not.

It almost never is.

Their arguments are usually resolved within hours.

Minutes, sometimes.

Sometimes it’s Rafael who’s making the apology dinners.

Shame.

Love.

Same difference.

This is a new experience for Rafael.

Snapping without breaking.

Getting right up to the breaking point, but never past it.

Knowing it won’t end.

This is new.

This is all Carisi’s doing.

Rafael was always quick to give up on people.

The first time they fought, the first time Carisi stormed off, Rafael all but wrote him off.

Carisi had other ideas.

Carisi had faith.

Carisi came back.

Carisi probably said something trite, like, ‘You can’t get rid of me that easily, counselor,’ or ‘You’re stuck with me,’ or, ‘Bad news, I’m back.’

Rafael doesn’t remember.

Rafael only remembers relief, and his heart, pounding, and Carisi’s smile, and something dangerously resembling a hug, and Carisi’s chest, rising and falling steadily against his own.

Rafael has faith too, now.

Trust.

He can trust Carisi to come back.

He can trust himself to yell Carisi’s head off, without worrying about the consequences.

It goes both ways.

Faith goes both ways.

No one’s ever had faith in Rafael before.

Not like this.

Not like Carisi does.

It’s weird.

And heartwarming.

Familiarity breeds contempt.

That’s what Rafael always thought.

That’s what always happened.

Not this time.

Not with Carisi.

Familiarity with Carisi has bred affection, and compassion, and love, too, and that’s n-

“Okay, I really have to go now, Barba. I’m already late. But before I go, I just wanna say something.”

Of course.

Rafael instantly regrets every single sappy thought he just had about Carisi. The smirk tells the tale. Carisi is obviously about to drop another little nugget on him, and Rafael can only imagin-

“Sorry I snapped your suspenders last week.”

Oh.

Rafael would find that thoughtful, but Carisi is smirking like he’s not sorry at all.

“Are you? Sorry?”

Carisi licks his lips.

“Nah.”

Well.

That’s okay.

Snapping isn’t always bad.

Sometimes it can be fun.

Like last week, when things got a little hot and heavy on Rafael’s couch during their lunch break, and Carisi tugged on his suspenders a little too hard, and the button flap on the back snapped and came right off. Rafael still doesn’t know how Carisi managed that. It was leather.

Then again, Carisi can be very enthusiastic.

So much so, that he didn’t even stop to apologize. Carisi just yanked the ruined suspenders all the way down, and then he started undoing Rafael’s pants. Rafael is lucky Carisi didn’t break the zipper, too.

Not that Rafael would have noticed.

It’s hard to notice much of anything when Carisi is on his knees.

Truth be told, Rafael didn’t even notice his suspenders were ruined until after.

After Carisi got up from his knees, and onto Rafael’s lap.

After Carisi made a mess of Rafael’s shirt, though Rafael fully accepts the blame for that one.

After they were done, after Carisi was done licking a stray drop from the underside of Rafael’s jaw, after Rafael grabbed a new shirt, because sometimes it is worth it to let Carisi defile one of his outfits, that’s when he noticed the casualty.

Carisi did not offer an apology.

Rafael held up the tattered suspenders, ready to let Carisi have it, but Carisi grinned and gave him a very long and very dirty kiss.

Perhaps that was the apology.

Either way, Rafael feels he is owed something more.

“I see. You remain unrepentant. I might have to ruin something of yours, in retaliation. This tie, maybe.”

Carisi grins.

“No way. I love this tie.”

That’s right.

It’s a gift.

And Carisi loves it.

Just like that scarf.

Carisi hates it, but he loves it, too, because Rafael gave it to him.

Carisi is too sweet for his own good.

And Rafael is too infatuated for his own g-

“I mean, unless you wanna buy me a better one. ‘Cause this one’s ‘dull.’ I’m out here thinkin’ I look like a million bucks, but I guess I don’t. I guess I just look ‘nice.’ Thanks, by the way.”

Carisi looks a lot better than nice, but Rafael isn’t about to say that and let it go to his head. Carisi is cocky enough as it is.

“Maybe I could let you borrow one of my ties, Carisi. If you ask nicely.”

Carisi smiles a smile so blinding, you’d think Rafael just proposed marriage.

Which, thankfully, is something Rafael has never considered.

Because he’s not crazy.

Well, never, until this very moment.

Before Rafael can dwell on that, Carisi leans over his desk and kisses him.

Thank God.

The distance was getting too much. Plus, Carisi’s kisses always make for a great distraction.

Whether they’re long and dirty, or short and chaste, like this one.

It doesn’t matt-

“See you at home, counselor.”

Oh.

Maybe it does matter.

Rafael grabs Carisi by the scarf and holds him there, for a longer kiss.

Home.

Yes.

Carisi’s soft lips, and Carisi’s warm breath, and Carisi’s palms sloppily spread on Rafael’s desk, and Carisi’s fingers, carelessly crinkling the papers Rafael has been working on all morning, and the sound of Rafael’s heartbeat, thudding in his ears.

Carisi’s bright eyes, when the kiss ends.

Home.

“Oh, and, if you ask nicely, Barba, maybe I can let you borrow this tie. As long as you promise to take good care of it. It has great sentimental value.”

Carisi, being a smartass.

Carisi, finding new ways to say ‘I love you’ without saying it.

Home.

Rafael smiles as Carisi finally leaves, about twenty minutes after he was supposed to.

Carisi’s pea coat is buttoned all the way up.

No one will know about his little stunt.

No one will know he and Rafael are wearing the exact same outfit, save for that tie.

No one will know Carisi’s outfit is about sixty percent Barba-bought. More, possibly. There’s the shirt, and the tie, and the scarf, and the belt Rafael spied underneath Carisi’s vest. There’s the watch, the one Carisi wears when he’s not wearing that chunky Apple monstrosity. And, odds are, Carisi’s wearing Barba-bought underwear, too. Lord knows Rafael has bought him plenty. And then there’s the socks.

No one will know.

Rafael will know.

Rafael finally pours himself some coffee. It’s only his third one today. He blames Carisi. When Carisi is there, Rafael forgets about caffeine.

If that isn’t love, he doesn’t know what is.

Rafael takes a sip and smiles into his mug.

Carisi bought it for him.

‘Instant Lawyer – Just Add Coffee.’

It’s dumb.

It’s a gift.

Rafael loves it.

69 notes · View notes

fallintomyhands · 4 years ago

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Blacked out card for @barisifandomevents !

Fake Relationship: Dreams – Asmodesgold (M)

· Barba gets the flu. Carisi gets more than he bargained for. A sweet, soft fic full of longing and loving care.

Wedding: In Vino Veritas – etothepii ( E )

· A bachelor party, a wedding, late nights in the office, and confusion. One of my favorite fics of Carisi figuring himself out, featuring a lot of unique but realistic situations, tenderness and heat, angst, and hopefulness. A fandom must read.

Alternate Universe: The Primitive and Sanctified – Konigsberg ( E )

· Demons exist, unbeknownst to SVU… except the members counted amongst their ranks. This is one of my favorite stories of all time, and please don’t let the supernatural elements (or the fact this is sadly still a WIP) “scare” you away! The “monstrous” elements are used to perfectly capture characterization, and this is the most tender fic I’ve ever read. Makes you want to crawl into the soft, dreamy feelings and live there forever. Please give this a shot if you haven’t already; perfection.

Crack Fic: Overstepping – rellkelltn87 (M)

· A raid on a real-life mad scientist goes horribly wrong, and ends with Carisi “in a family way.” I never thought I’d see an mpreg story in this fandom that could come off so believable, but this author works miracles (in a much kinder way than her characters!) Part casefic, part romance, all suspense, don’t pass this one up, you will not be disappointed!

Based on a Movie: Do Monsters Dream? – bourgeois ( E )

· Shape of Water AU in which Sonny works at an aquatic research facility and meets someone special. Takes place in a timeline where we see Carisi struggling after the Tom Cole incident, heart wrenchingly portrayed through his losses, personal and professional, and his meeting of another lonely, imprisoned soul. Beautifully written, absolutely captivating prose, wistful, heartfelt and magical.

Animals: Yuletide by the Fireside – Juniperhoot

· First Christmas with a new love, and unfortunately a new, smaller paycheck. Tenderness, cozy domesticity, and the most adorable dog ever singing along to bad TV music numbers; what more could you want? If your answer was ‘thoughtful characterization’ – that’s here too!

First Date: Everything Seems a Little Bit Sweeter – rafaelbaseball, burgeois

· Barba is obsessed with a YouTube chef, and enters a contest to meet him for dinner. One of the earliest fics I was obsessed with. The whole series is lovely, and the actual date is so tentative and lovely it makes my heart clench. Barba finding himself not in the age group of Sonny’s fans is painfully relatable and a stroke of genius.

Carisi Family: A Healing Year – Adrianna_m_scovill (M)

· A year in the life of Barba and Carisi, in which Barba faces his insecurities and begins to heal, and to love. A fantastic story from start to finish, with top notch characterization and intense emotions, steamy sex, and everything in between. I chose this for my family fic not just because there’s a lovely holiday spent with the Carisi family, but because the fic also embodies how Carisi manages to make everyone in his life his family. Utterly captivating story from an author that always makes an emotional impact.

Soulmates: Choose To Be With You – Robin Hood

· Sometimes the person who has your heart doesn’t have your soul. Great take on the soulmates trope, heartfelt, heartbreaking, mature. Insightful characterization of both characters, but especially Carisi, who faces an impossible situation, and reacts exactly how I believe the character would do.

Get Together: Noche Sin Estrella – Lambnoire

· Casefic in which Barba is injured, and Carisi figures something out about himself when his protective streak becomes something more. A pretty much perfect fic; perfect characterization, strong and realistic casefic, recurring canon characters that feel true to themselves, whump that expresses the right amounts of terror without delving outside the scope of the show, and a slow burn journey of romance and self-acceptance that is meticulously paced, utterly realistic and hits every emotional mark flawlessly. Now that it’s back, make sure you don’t miss out.

Break Up: Every Time We Touch – OblivionCastro

· Soulmate AU where the touch of your partner gives you pain. A 5+1 fic, a soulmate fic, but mostly, a lyrically written story of enduring pain and enduring its loss. A wonderful metaphor for the agony of love and loss that brings me to tears every time.

Secret Relationship: Pink (& Other Promises) – leslielol

· Barba and Carisi fall together, and decide to keep it under wraps for a while; results vary. A common premise with uncommonly good prose. Vivid, lyrical language wraps around a soft story about affection, subterfuge, and acceptance. A very different look at Barba and Carisi than the author’s main fic, but no less enduring and amazing.

WIP: Much Farther To Go – nukablastr (M)

· The threats on Barba’s life have been declared a cold case, but Carisi decides to do some investigating on his own to protect the man he loves. This is the third part of a long series detailing the “missing” events in S17, and exploring beyond into “what could have been” if this major plot hadn’t been dropped. I added part 3 for the WIP, but recommend reading from the beginning. This story is expertly paced and plotted, and feels absolutely like it could be a piece of canon. One of the seminal works of the barisi fic fandom; read it if you haven’t.

Shadowing: Mind if I Sit Down? – Larkin21 ( E )

· Another episode tag based story from S17, featuring Carisi and Barba entering into a casual relationship behind the scenes. There’s not really many (or any!) full stories of Carisi shadowing Barba, but I was glad to be able to include this series, which features a full chapter on the shadowing episode. Again, I recommend reading the entire series, as it’s full of fantastically written plot and characterization, seamlessly weaving deep insights on the characters and blisteringly hot sex into the best seasons of the show. Another not-to-be-missed series!

Get Together: I’m gonna leave it all out there to dry – littleblacksubmarine ( E )

· Carisi is barely keeping it together, and Barba is waiting to be allowed to help; a story of depression, self-loathing, comfort and devotion told through incredibly poignant intimate and sexual encounters. An unusual depiction of a very dark Sonny, and a protective, self-sacrificing Rafael who’s there for him every painful step of the way. Amazing story that captures perfectly some very different aspects of the characters than we typically see, and still feels 100% true. This story has broken and healed my heart so many times.

Holiday: Pass Here and Go On – abogadobarba

· After the events of Undiscovered Country, Barba and Carisi reconnect, by chance, on a train of all places. Full of atmosphere, literary references, and some of the best prose in the fandom. This story is pure poetry, creating a tone of loneliness and longing, the sense of expanse and yet confinement that only travel can bring, and ultimately peacefulness and hope.

Alternate Career Rafael: In This Light – Astronaut_Milky (M)

· Barba is a photographer, Carisi is a model, both men destined to keep finding… and losing, each other. Beautiful, sexy story about two men whose jobs keep bringing them together, and tearing them apart, full of light and heat and beautiful people and beautiful imagery.

Undercover: Have You Ever Wished For An Endless Night? – minnesotamemelord

· Carisi goes undercover at a high-powered legal event, and runs into someone familiar. A look at Sonny getting to go undercover at a nicer event than we normally see! Well written characterizations, and some interesting contemplations on unique issues, such as Carisi’s opinion on wealth and the wealthy that felt so spot on I immediately felt they were canon. Also, poor Rafael; he has such terrible friends!

5+1: We Had No Haste – alwaysbuddy

· Carisi and Barba meet over and over in the most coincidental of places, but succumb to their own insecurities. Breathtaking story about two should-be fated lovers who continue to meet and connect over a multitude of vacations, but can’t bring themselves to reach for what they want, until they fear it may be too late. Gorgeous, atmospheric, romantic and sad, in equal measure, with an ending that’s happy, but still exudes a sense of so much lost time. This fic haunts my thoughts in the best ways.

Cooking: Sustenance – AhumanFemale, tiberius (E )

· Barba’s friends buy him a live-in chef for a time, so he can stop living on pretzels and coffee. Sweeping piece of art that exudes sensuality and the feel of time slipping through your fingers.

First Meeting: Here and Now – wormghoul

· Barba and Carisi meet, and have a whirlwind romance, at LSAT camp before being parted until they meet again at SVU. The imagery and language used in this story has stuck with me for a long time. Shockingly, wrenchingly accurate descriptions of the feelings of holding memories dear, “as a talisman,” and the devastating feelings of having them torn away from you by reality… but also the hope that they can be made anew.

Crack Fic: It’s Not Too Late/Gag Order – cupidmarwani

· Carisi has a superpower, and has reached the end of his rope. Carisi has seen too much, and has the power to burn it all down. Barba wants to save him, but has to face stark reality. Short, intense story about the toll Carisi’s job takes on him, and how he becomes one of the monsters that he used to fight. Depressing, heartbreaking, terrifyingly relatable, this is an overlooked gem.

Confession: Him. – keraunoscopia

· Carisi struggles with his sexuality and internalized homophobia, and seeks aid from the Church. Quiet, powerful, painful, and so, so beautiful.

Domestic: Daylight – cypress_tree ( E )

· Carisi stays the night for the first time and Barba sees him in the sunlight. Short, sweet, hot. What’s more domestic than two people in love, unwilling to get out of bed and leave one another’s presence?

Fix It: Good Morning – Kaye_21 (M)

· A threat to Barba’s life does not end well – repeatedly! Another “supernatural” style fic that shouldn’t be overlooked, even if it’s not your genre. Barba, stuck in a room with Carisi and a man out to kill them both, needs to figure out what is required of him to prevent their deaths, before he loses his mind. Fantastic character study. Terrifying, sad, sexy and hopeful. I chose this one for “fix it,” since as barisi itself could be considered a canon “fix it” or missed opportunity, and this fic itself embodies Barba himself finding a way to be that fix.

#barisi fic rec bingo #barisi #fic recs

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