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duckprintspress · 3 years ago

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How to Edit an Over-Length Story Down to a Specific Word Count

One of the most wonderful things about writing as a hobby is that you never have to worry about the length of your story. You can be as self-indulgent as you want, make your prose the royalist of purples, include every single side story and extra thought that strikes your fancy. It’s your story, with no limits, and you can proceed with it as you wish.

When transitioning from casual writing to a more professional writing milieu, this changes. If you want to publish, odds are, you’ll need to write to a word count. If a flash fiction serial says, “1,000 words or less,” your story can’t be 1,025 and still qualify. If a website says, “we accept novellas ranging from 20,000 to 40,000 words,” your story will need to fall into that window. Even when you consider novel-length works, stories are expected to be a certain word count to fit neatly into specific genres - romance is usually around 80,000 words, young adult usually 50,000 to 80,000, debut novels usually have to be 100,000 words or less regardless of genre, etc. If you self-publish or work with a small press, you may be able to get away with breaking these “rules,” but it’s still worthwhile to learn to read your own writing critically with length in mind and learn to recognize what you do and do not need to make your story work - and then, if length isn’t an issue in your publishing setting, you can always decide after figuring out what’s non-essential to just keep everything anyway.

If you’re writing for fun? You literally never have to worry about your word count (well, except for sometimes in specific challenges that have minimum and/or maximum word counts), and as such, this post is probably not for you.

But, if you’re used to writing in the “throw in everything and the kitchen sink” way that’s common in fandom fanfiction circles, and you’re trying to transition only to be suddenly confronted with the reality that you’ve written 6,000 words for a short story project with a maximum word count of 5,000...well, we at Duck Prints Press have been there, we are in fact there right now, as we finish our stories for our upcoming anthology Add Magic to Taste and many of us wrote first drafts that were well over the maximum word count.

So, based on our experiences, here are our suggestions on approaches to help your story shorter...without losing the story you wanted to tell!

Cut weasel words (we wrote a whole post to help you learn how to do that!) such as unnecessary adverbs and adjectives, the “was ~ing” sentence structure, redundant time words such as “a moment later,” and many others.

When reviewing dialog, keep an eye out for “uh,” “er,” “I mean,” “well,” and other casual extra words. A small amount of that kind of language usage can make dialog more realistic, but a little goes a long way, and often a fair number of words can be removed by cutting these words, without negatively impacting your story at all.

Active voice almost always uses fewer words than passive voice, so try to use active voice more (but don’t forget that passive voice is important for varying up your sentence structures and keeping your story interesting, so don’t only write in active voice!).

Look for places where you can replace phrases with single words that mean the same thing. You can often save a lot of words by switching out phrases like “come back” for “return” and seeking out other places where one word can do the work of many.

Cut sentences that add atmosphere but don't forward the plot or grow your characters. (Obviously, use your judgement. Don't cut ALL the flavor, but start by going - I’ve got two sentences that are mostly flavor text - which adds more? And then delete the other, or combine them into one shorter sentence.)

Remove superfluous dialog tags. If it’s clear who’s talking, especially if it’s a conversation between only two people, you can cut all the he saids, she saids.

Look for places where you've written repetitively - at the most basic level, “ ‘hahaha,’ he laughed,” is an example, but repetition is often more subtle, like instances where you give information in once sentence, and then rephrase part or all of that sentence in the next one - it’s better to poke at the two sentences until you think of an effective, and more concise, way to make them into only one sentence. This also goes for scenes - if you’ve got two scenes that tend towards accomplishing the same plot-related goal, consider combining them into one scene.

Have a reason for every sentence, and even every sentence clause (as in, every comma insertion, every part of the sentence, every em dashed inclusion, that kind of thing). Ask yourself - what function does this serve? Have I met that function somewhere else? If it serves no function, or if it’s duplicative, consider cutting it. Or, the answer may be “none,” and you may choose to save it anyway - because it adds flavor, or is very in character for your PoV person, or any of a number of reasons. But if you’re saving it, make sure you’ve done so intentionally. It's important to be aware of what you're trying to do with your words, or else how can you recognize what to cut, and what not to cut?

Likewise, have a reason for every scene. They should all move the story along - whatever the story is, it doesn’t have to be “the end of the world,” your story can be simple and straightforward and sequential...but if you’re working to a word count, your scenes should still forward the story toward that end point. If the scene doesn’t contribute...you may not need them, or you may be able to fold it in with another scene, as suggested in item 6.

Review the worldbuilding you’ve included, and consider what you’re trying to accomplish with your story. A bit of worldbuilding outside of the bare essentials makes a story feel fleshed out, but again, a little can go a long way. If you’ve got lots of “fun” worldbuilding bits that don’t actually forward your plot and aren’t relevant to your characters, cut them. You can always put them as extras in your blog later, but they’ll just make your story clunky if you have a lot of them.

Beware of info-dumps. Often finding a more natural way to integrate that information - showing instead of telling in bits throughout the story - can help reduce word count.

Alternatively - if you over-show, and never tell, this will vastly increase your word count, so consider if there are any places in your story where you can gloss over the details in favor of a shorter more “tell-y” description. You don’t need to go into a minute description of every smile and laugh - sometimes it’s fine to just say, “she was happy” or “she frowned” without going into a long description of their reaction that makes the reader infer that they were happy. (Anyone who unconditionally says “show, don’t tell,” is giving you bad writing advice. It’s much more important to learn to recognize when showing is more appropriate, and when telling is more appropriate, because no story will function as a cohesive whole if it’s all one or all the other.)

If you’ve got long paragraphs, they’re often prime places to look for entire sentences to cut. Read them critically and consider what’s actually helping your story instead of just adding word count chonk.

Try reading some or all of the dialog out loud; if it gets boring, repetitive, or unnecessary, end your scene wherever you start to lose interest, and cut the dialog that came after. If necessary, add a sentence or two of description at the end to make sure the transition is abrupt, but honestly, you often won’t even need to do so - scenes that end at the final punchy point in a discussion often work very well.

Create a specific goal for a scene or chapter. Maybe it’s revealing a specific piece of information, or having a character discover a specific thing, or having a specific unexpected event occur, but, whatever it is, make sure you can say, “this scene/chapter is supposed to accomplish this.” Once you know what you’re trying to do, check if the scene met that goal, make any necessary changes to ensure it does, and cut things that don’t help the scene meet that goal.

Building on the previous one, you can do the same thing, but for your entire story. Starting from the beginning, re-outline the story scene-by-scene and/or chapter-by-chapter, picking out what the main “beats” and most important themes are, and then re-read your draft and make sure you’re hitting those clearly. Consider cutting out the pieces of your story that don’t contribute to those, and definitely cut the pieces that distract from those key moments (unless, of course, the distraction is the point.)

Re-read a section you think could be cut and see if any sentences snag your attention. Poke at that bit until you figure out why - often, it’s because the sentence is unnecessary, poorly worded, unclear, or otherwise superfluous. You can often rewrite the sentence to be clearer, or cut the sentence completely without negatively impacting your work.

Be prepared to cut your darlings; even if you love a sentence or dialog exchange or paragraph, if you are working to a strict word count and it doesn't add anything, it may have to go, and that's okay...even though yes, it will hurt, always, no matter how experienced a writer you are. (Tip? Save your original draft, and/or make a new word doc where you safely tuck your darlings in for the future. Second tip? If you really, really love it...find a way to save it, but understand that to do so, you’ll have to cut something else. It’s often wise to pick one or two favorites and sacrifice the rest to save the best ones. We are not saying “always cut your darlings.” That is terrible writing advice. Don’t always cut your darlings. Writing, and reading your own writing, should bring you joy, even when you’re doing it professionally.)

If you’re having trouble recognizing what in your own work CAN be cut, try implementing the above strategies in different places - cut things, and then re-read, and see how it works, and if it works at all. Sometimes, you’ll realize...you didn’t need any of what you cut. Other times, you’ll realize...it no longer feels like the story you were trying to tell. Fiddle with it until you figure out what you need for it to still feel like your story, and practice that kind of cutting until you get better at recognizing what can and can’t go without having to do as much tweaking.

Lastly...along the lines of the previous...understand that sometimes, cutting your story down to a certain word count will just be impossible. Some stories simply can’t be made very short, and others simply can’t be told at length. If you’re really struggling, it’s important to consider that your story just...isn’t going to work at that word count. And that’s okay. Go back to the drawing board, and try again - you’ll also get better at learning what stories you can tell, in your style, using your own writing voice, at different word counts. It’s not something you’ll just know how to do - that kind of estimating is a skill, just like all other writing abilities.

As with all our writing advice - there’s no one way to tackle cutting stories for length, and also, which of these strategies is most appropriate will depend on what kind of story you’re writing, how much over-length it is, what your target market is, your characters, and your personal writing style. Try different ones, and see which work for you - the most important aspect is to learn to read your own writing critically enough that you are able to recognize what you can cut, and then from that standpoint, use your expertise to decide what you should cut, which is definitely not always the same thing. Lots of details can be cut - but a story with all of the flavor and individuality removed should never be your goal.

Contributions to this post were made by @unforth, @jhoomwrites, @alecjmarsh, @shealynn88, @foxymoley, @willablythe, and @owlishintergalactic, and their input has been used with their knowledge and explicit permission. Thanks, everyone, for helping us consider different ways to shorten stories!

#writing advice #duck prints press #original content

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kaialone · 4 years ago

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Spirit Tracks Translation Comparison: Zelda’s Body Taken

This will be a comparison of the original Japanese version and the US English localized version.

Specifically, this will cover the cutscenes in which Princess Zelda’s body ends up being stolen.

You can also watch these cutscenes for yourself in English and Japanese. If you want, you can check out the EU English version, too.

For the comparison, the usual points apply:

Bolded is the original Japanese text, for the reference.

Bolded and italicized is my translation.

Italicized is the official NOA translation.

A (number) indicates that I have a specific comment to make on that part in the translation notes.

As you read this, please keep in mind that with translations like these, it’s important not to focus on the exact literal wordings, since there is no single “correct answer” when it comes to translations.

Rather than that, consider the actual information that is being conveyed, in which way, and why.

Cirokuni = Alfonzo, Kimaroki = Cole, Dego = Byrne

After Link’s Train Derails:

Alfonzo:

姫さまあれを！

Your Highness, look over there!

Your Highness! Look over there!

Zelda:

…なんということでしょ一刻も早くあの塔に行かないと

...My goodness, we have to reach that tower as soon as possible.

What's happening to the Tower of Spirits?

Cole:

…困りますねぇ姫さまお忍びで散歩などされては…

...Now this just will not do, Your Highness. Going out for a little secret stroll like that...

Out for a leisurely stroll, Your Highness?

Tsk, tsk, tsk! You know that's not allowed!

Zelda:

大臣?

Minister?

Allowed by who? You, Chancellor Cole?

Cole:

ガキはおとなしく城で王様ごっこしてりゃいいんだよ!!

You brat should've just kept playing pretend-monarch at the castle like a good girl!!

Who else? Who do you think is really in charge?

Zelda, Link and Alfonzo:

…

Cole:

我が名はキマロキ…

長い間人間の振りをしていたので肩がこりましたよ

My name is Kimaroki...

Pretending to be human for so long has taken its toll on me. (1)

My goodness, pretending to be human is exhausting.

Who knew that chancellor was just another word...

for royal babysitter?!

Cole:

まあもう少し大臣でいるつもりだったのですが…

予定を早めました

Well, I had actually intended to keep being the minister for a while longer, but...

We ended up going ahead of schedule.

I had meant to keep up the ruse a bit longer.

Cole:

姫さまが悪いのですよ ? 余計なことをかぎ回るから

The fault is yours, Your Highness, is it not? You and your unnecessary meddling.

But you pushed me to this, Princess.

Cole:

しかもそんな小僧や機関士なんぞに手を借りてまで…

Moreover, you even went as far as to call a mere boy and an engineer to your aid...

Bringing in the boy and the engineer didn't help either.

Zelda:

あなたは… 一体?

What in the world... are you...? (2)

What are you talking about?

Cole:

おぞましき神の遺物…

The relic of that repugnant god...

I'm talking about your infernal meddling!

Cole:

忌まわしい結界が消えうせ今時は満ちた…

Now that this repulsive barrier is vanishing, the time is at hand...

But now that those vile tracks are disappearing,

the time is finally at hand!

Cole:

あと必要なのは…

All we need now is...

Cole:

あなたの… カラダ

Your... b o d y. (3)

A little help--hee hee--from you, Your Highness!

Alfonzo:

何者か知らねえが姫さまに仇なすってんなら…

I dunno who you are, but if you harm Her Highness in any way...

I don't know who these two are, Your Highness.

But with your permission...

Alfonzo:

このシロクニ容赦はしねえぜ？

I, Cirokuni, won't hold anything back against ya.

I'd be happy to teach them some manners.

Cole:

かっかっか… 人間ふぜいが

Ka ka ka... Typical human.

Nyee hee hee hee hee! How gallant! How brave!

How incredibly foolhardy!

Alfonzo:

なめんなよこちとら先々代から王家にお仕えしてんだ

Don't you underestimate me! My folks've been serving the royal family for generations, you know! (4)

Enough out of you!

My family has served the royal house for generations!

Cole:

!… ディーゴ様…

...! Master Dego...

Melodrama bores me.

Byrne, would you kindly dispose of this fool?

Byrne:

この男の言うとおりだ… かなり腕に覚えがあるようだな

It's like this man said... He certainly seems confident in his own strength.

This man speaks the truth, Cole.

His movements are not those of an amateur.

Byrne:

だが私の敵ではない…

But, he's no match for me...

But he is only human.

Alfonzo:

…なあんなって言っただろ？

...I told you not to underestimate me, didn't I?

I told you, I will defend the princess at any cost!

Byrne:

こちらも言ったはずだ我が敵ではないと

And I told you. You are no match for me.

And I told you. You're only human.

Cole:

キキキッさすがディーゴ様！お強に！イカス！

Keekeekee, I expected no less from you, Master Dego! Such strength! Tubular!

Nyee hee hee hee hee!

Oh, Byrne, you do know how to put on a show!

Byrne:

しょせんは人の技だ

あの程度で私の前に立つことはかなわぬ…

That's just the extent of human skill.

One can't hope to face me with something that meager...

It was hardly a fair fight, Cole.

Zelda:

あ… リンク…

Ah... Link...

Help me, Link!

Zelda:

こ来ないでください… それ以上近づかないで…

P-please stay away... Do not come any closer...

No! Don't come any closer!

Cole:

…まあ良いでしょう必要なのは王女の体…

...Ah well, that should be alright. We just need the body of the princess...

Good work, Byrne.

That takes care of the first step of our plan.

Cole:

さあディーゴ様参りましょうくっくっく…

Now, let us depart, Master Dego. Ku ku ku...

Nyee hee hee hee hee! Our work is done here.

Come now, Byrne!

Translation Notes:

What I adapted as “taken its toll on me” more literally translates to “made my shoulder stiff”, but from what I've seen, this is a generic phrase characters sometimes say when they’re exhausted? In any case, I adapted it the way I did because I thought it sounded a bit better. The English version likely did the same thing.

In this line by Zelda it’s not exactly clear if she is just supposed to be saying “What in the world are you...?” or if she means to say “What in the world are you talking about?” but doesn’t finish the line completely. The response from Cole makes the latter seem plausible though, which is probably why the English version went with that.

In Japanese, the word for body is 体/karada, but in this line here Cole drags it out for dramatic effect, saying it syllable by syllable as “ka ra da”, which goes along with the animation in this scene.

Alfonzo uses a somewhat informal word to refer to his family, so I translated it as “my folks” here, in case you were unsure what he meant.

Comparisons & Thoughts:

In this part, we are formally introduced to our main antagonists, as well as the central conflict of the game, which gives us a lot to go over.

Some of the changes to Cole in particular also become more apparent here, so I will start off with those.

A strange difference between versions is when and how we first learn Cole’s name.

In the English version, he was named right when he was introduced, but in Japanese it’s only at this point in the game right here that his name is revealed.

And the way he introduces himself with “My name is Kimaroki...” raises some questions. He’s using a rather dramatic way to say it in Japanese, too.

Since he was the minister, it seems unlikely that Zelda wasn’t aware of what his name was, so why would he need to say it like that?

Perhaps he was only introducing himself to Link and Alfonzo? But that's also kinda unlikely, since he doesn’t really address those two directly, he mostly speaks to Zelda.

Alternatively, this could imply he was actually working at the castle under a fake name, so this moment is him revealing his true name for the first time.

I think this would make the most sense from a story perspective, given how this dialogue flows.

But, we aren’t really given a clear indication of either option, so it’s also possible this was just a result of clunky writing.

Given this, I can understand why the English version changed it up so that Cole was already referred to by name at the castle.

Since it’s not really clear what, if anything, the Japanese version was trying to imply here, it's easier to go with something else that simplifies the issue.

As a fan, I am still interested in the potential implications of the Japanese version here, assuming it was intentional, but the change makes perfect sense from a localization perspective.

In the Japanese version, Cole says “You brat should’ve just kept playing pretend-monarch at the castle like a good girl!!”, when he reveals his true nature.

This calls back to what has been established back at the castle, namely Zelda being more of a figurehead ruler, with seemingly only Cole holding any real authority.

But it also shows us more about how Cole regards Zelda in this version. Whenever he addresses her, he scolds and berates her like one would a misbehaving child.

The English version does include these bits of information, with lines like “Who else? Who do you think is really in charge?�� and “Who knew that chancellor was just another word…for royal babysitter?!”

But I personally feel the Japanese version does it a bit better. It just feels slightly more natural, whereas the English version has Cole spell it out a bit too directly.

It’s not much of a difference right now, but the English version eventually drifts further from the Japanese version’s portrayal of how Cole talks to Zelda.

At this point, we also see more of how Cole’s general characterization has been tweaked in English.

Like I mentioned when he was first introduced, Cole has a formal and technically polite manner of speaking in the Japanese version, even if he is still condescending, of course.

But, that’s only half of it.

He actually has this character quirk where he flip-flops between that formal speaking style, and a very informal style, to the point of being almost crude sometimes.

And it’s not just him being insulting, he genuinely goes to talking more like a goon, no hint of class, not even ironic.

It’s different from the way Alfonzo switches up his speaking style, too. It’s a fairly normal thing to speak differently depending on the social context like Alfonzo does.

I’ve seen Cole’s flip-flopping being compared to the Happy Mask Salesman, who has some memorable outbursts in Majora’s Mask.

But with the Happy Mask Salesman, those are always caused by anger, whereas with Cole they don’t happen every time he’s angry, and can also happen when he’s delighted.

In any case, there is this clearly deliberate duality to Cole’s personality in the Japanese version.

In the English version, this aspect was dropped.

Here, Cole’s speaking style doesn’t really change, it’s always technically formal, but in a smug, more openly insulting manner.

It’s almost like a merging of Cole’s formal and informal sides from the Japanese version, slightly leaning more towards formal.

Compared to other characters, Cole’s lines will also see more rewrites from this point on, usually to make him seem more pompous, toning down how goony he can get during his informal moments.

Which characterization you prefer is up to you, of course, but it's arguably one of the bigger changes when it comes to the characters.

Though this change with Cole here is probably related to the next one I want to talk about.

Something that might have caught your eye is Cole referring to Byrne as “Master Dego” in Japanese.

Specifically, he uses the very respectful suffix 様/-sama when addressing him.

And yes, in the Japanese version, Byrne is presented to us as the leader of this scheme the two of them have going on, while Cole is his underling.

This is reflected by their interactions as well.

You could read them as equals, since Byrne doesn’t give out any orders, but Cole definitely addresses Byrne like one would a superior.

Of course, Cole doesn’t exactly come off as trustworthy, but still.

In English, this dynamic between them is completely turned around, so Cole is now implied to be directly in charge of this duo, with Byrne being an underling who does his bidding.

I’m guessing this is also part of the reason why Cole’s characterization was altered, or perhaps the other way around?

Since Cole is in charge now, he’s portrayed as less goofy, so to speak.

Most of Cole’s dialogue addressing Byrne in this cutscene has also been changed to reflect this change in their dynamic.

In Japanese, Cole acts subservient and flattering to Byrne, to an almost silly degree.

In English, Cole will flatter Byrne too, but in a way like a master would flatter an amusing servant of theirs.

I probably don’t need to go over each line between Cole and Byrne in detail.

But as a quick example, Cole’s reaction to Byrne actually stepping forward is completely different between the versions.

In Japanese, Cole says “…! Master Dego…”

Here, Cole is surprised about Byrne stepping forward like that, and seems a bit nervous, almost like he’s worried Byrne is getting impatient, or something similar.

If you pay attention, you’ll see his animation reflects the tone of this line, too.

But in English, he instead says “Melodrama bores me. Byrne, would you kindly dispose of this fool?”

In this version, Cole continues to be condescending, and dismissively summons Byrne to take care of the situation for him.

This also means that in the English version, Byrne presumably wouldn’t have acted on his own, while in the Japanese version he fought Alfonzo because he himself wanted to.

The latter is more consistent with how we see him act later.

It’s kinda interesting though that Byrne’s own dialogue remains mostly the same, despite these changes.

The way the dynamic between Byrne and Cole was changed between versions really does affect Cole more than it does Byrne. It’s really more how Cole plays off of him, and the implications of that, which are different.

There isn’t much of a direct difference to how Byrne treats Cole in Japanese compared to English. The implications are more those between the lines - Byrne working with a guy who acts more like a bootlicker to him in Japanese, while in English he works with a guy who treats him like a lackey.

One could speculate that the Japanese version of Byrne would have been too prideful to work with someone like the English version of Cole, but we have no way of knowing for sure.

Alright, so in my translation notes I already mentioned that during the line “Your… b o d y”, Cole is slowly dragging out the word 体/karada in Japanese, which goes along with how the camera zooms in on his face.

The English version adapted this with “A little help--hee hee--from you, Your Highness!“, which the last part is dragged out as “Your-High-ness”.

This is a clever adaptation, especially since you need to think outside the box a little here. A literal translation like mine wouldn’t work at all in-game.

Still, maybe they could have gone with something shorter like “your-bo-dy”?

Minor difference, but when Alfonzo steps forward, he directly talks to Cole and Byrne in the Japanese version, but in the English version he is talking about them to Zelda.

This could have been an oversight, or a deliberate change to give Zelda more authority in this part.

If it’s the latter, I’m not sure if it works, since it’s not like Zelda responds anyway, so it doesn’t feel any less like she’s being talked over.

I want to talk about the line “But, he’s no match for me“, because here we got a prominent example of the EU English version actually getting it wrong by being too literal.

In actual Japanese, Byrne says “だが私の敵ではない”/“Daga watashi no teki dewanai“, which literally translates to “But, he’s not my enemy”, and the EU version went with that.

However, that was a bad call on their part.

Because “He’s not my enemy” is a Japanese figure of speech which means “He’s no match for me”. As in, not being strong enough to even be considered an enemy.

Therefore it should not be translated literally like that.

The US English version adapts this line as “But he is only human”.

This makes use of information Byrne originally gives after the battle in Japanese: “That’s just the extent of human skill. One can’t hope to face me with something that meager…”

In turn, that bit is then streamlined in English as: “It was hardly a fair fight, Cole.“

I am impressed by the way they spread around the information they needed to convey in a manner that allowed them to use less text here.

But it also changes up the flow of this scene, as in the Japanese version, we don’t get the confirmation that Byrne is not human until after Alfonzo is beaten by him.

It’s an easy guess of course, but there is that initial bit of tension.

As Alfonzo and Byrne fight, Alfonzo’s dialogue is changed from “ …I told you not to underestimate me, didn’t I?“ to “I told you, I will defend the princess at any cost!”, kinda shifting the topic of this conversation, which was originally about pitting their strength against each other.

This is notable because Alfonzo has been built up for the audience as being one of the strongest people in the land.

And without confirmation that Byrne is not human, there is this illusion of hope that maybe Alfonzo can match his strength.

The power of regular humans compared to beings of demonic or divine nature is one of the themes of this story, so this fight is part of the audience’s more personal introduction to it.

I do think the English version does a good job of setting this theme up in its own right, it’s just done differently.

And lastly, Cole’s comment after Zelda’s spirit is expelled from her body and flies towards the castle differs between versions:

…Ah well, that should be alright. We just need the body of the princess…

Good work, Byrne.

That takes care of the first step of our plan.

In the Japanese version, Cole acknowledges the fact that he just saw Zelda’s spirit fly away, but brushes it off as being unimportant, openly dismissing Zelda as a possible threat at this point.

But in the English version, that part isn’t mentioned.

I feel this was probably an oversight due to lack of context.

In the actual cutscene, we see Cole watching very closely as Zelda’s spirit emerges and flies away, so his comment follows up on that animation in Japanese.

But translators are rarely able to see the visuals of what they are translating, as they are usually only given the text itself.

And if that was the case here, the translators would have only gotten to see what amounts to Cole saying something along the lines of “That’s alright, we just need the body of the princess”, without any additional context.

If we assume this is what happened, it makes sense that they adapted the line the way they did in the final version.

I don’t know how the translation process was handled in Spirit Tracks, but I do know that with many game translations, you will usually have a first translator doing a more literal, rough translation draft, and then a second translator who rewrites that raw translation into the final text.

And if that second translator is unable to check the Japanese version to clear up any potential confusion, you can end up with even more deviations from the original quite easily.

This is just some possible examples of how various factors can affect text translations in ways the translators themselves have little control over.

Overall, this batch of scenes is interesting when it comes to the localization.

They’re rather faithful for the most part, outside of general slight differences I mentioned previously, like Alfonzo’s speaking style. The dialogue is mostly the same, though.

The biggest difference is really Cole’s characterization and dialogue, particularly in regards to his interactions with other characters.

Especially the flipping of his dynamic with Byrne is a notable change to the story from a character perspective.

But this part is already pretty long, so I won’t dwell on it more than that for now. Feel free to check out the next one!

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#legend of zelda #the legend of zelda #spirit tracks #tloz #the legend of zelda spirit tracks #legend of zelda translations #spirit tracks translations #my translations #spirit tracks comparisons

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mottlemoth · 7 years ago

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Leave it to me to go offscript, but my question isn't on the list, and it's one I've been meaning to ask. What's your writing process like? Do you write fairly clean drafts that require a minimum of polishing? Or are they akin to vomiting words and require several passes to edit, tighten and polish?

Redsie, my darling, I would go offscript for you any time.

My process, and how much editing I do, varies dramatically from chapter-to-chapter and day-to-day. I’ll try and go through this in detail, in case it’s helpful for anyone.

And I’m popping this under a cut for the sake of people’s dashboards.

As a general rule, a chapter will take me several sessions of work. When I settle to write at the start of each session, I usually start by reading back through what’s there. I’ll tidy up any typos, watch out for repeated words (Mycroft whimpers a lot in my first drafts) and just give it all a gentle fluffing while I get cosy again in the sound of my own voice.

When I’ve finished a chapter (or a short story, such as Kit or Diogenes) I’ll then close the file and let it sit overnight - or ideally for a couple of days - while I work on something else.

It means that when I reopen it some time later, to get it ready so that you guys can have a read, I’ve slept and I can process it with a clean brain.

I then read my way through, listening for ‘pings’.

‘Ping’ sounds when a sentence doesn’t read quite right just yet. It flags up something that seems a little clunky, a little laborious, a repeat of something that’s already been established, or something a bit too fluffed-up and melodramatic. A lot of my personal ‘pings’ can be fixed by shifting something into the active voice, or by taking out unnecessary adverbs - or, if it’s really vexing me and I can’t work out why, it sometimes turns out I don’t want that sentence there at all.

So I brush my way gently through the chapter, combing out pings, watching for repetition, spotting touch-ups I could make. For example - recently I’m more selective with my adverbs. I’ve been running sentences through my mind with the adverb, and then without it, and quite often it turns out the sentence is happy without it. (If I like the adverb, then fuck it - the adverb stays. It’s my story and if Greg fucks the guy gently, he’s going to fuck him gently.)

I’ve also recently been looking out for ‘ping’ when I’ve used ‘-ing’ forms of a verb where the simple ‘-ed’ form would do. (”Mycroft was searching through the drawer.”) If I get a ping reading that (and sometimes I won’t! And it’s fine!) then I’ll trial ‘Mycroft searched through the drawer’ - and if that seems tidier, I’ll replace it.

I do things like try and keep dialogue to three or four sentences/utterances per go. (“Are you serious, Myke? We already ate there last week. I’m so sick of noodles.”) I saw it suggested somewhere as a tip, and I tried it - and I think it’s nice. So I use it now, unless it’s inconvenient - in which case my dialogue chunks will be as long as I like.

An important part of my editing process is the saving of cut bits.

This is vital for me.

I have files and files of them - sentences, paragraphs, entire scenes, entire chapters. I don’t ever delete a thing. I worked hard on those words. They’re good words, and I’m glad that I wrote them. Just because they don’t fit in the finished version of the story that I want to show you guys, it doesn’t mean that they’re bad words. So they go safe into a file to be kept, in case I want to use them some day.

If the brushing process was tough, or it took a while, I might put the chapter away again for another night.

Essentially, when I can read through it all without sensing pings, just happily following along with what’s happening, I know it’s ready for you guys. Onto AO3 it goes.

All of this assumes that the underlying actions and events within the chapter are fine.

Which brings me onto The Case of Excultus.

I cannot begin to tell you the amount of editing (and trouble) that has gone into some sections of 'Skultus.

On two separate occasions, I’ve developed seriously swampy feelings while drafting, wondering why I’ve slowed down, what’s wrong with me, what the hell’s the matter. On both occasions I realised after several days of fretting that scenes had somehow been delivered to me (and I’d written them down) in the wrong order. Something in chapter twenty-seven actually needed to go in thirty. This bit from chapter thirty-one needed to go into twenty-eight. TJ can’t say that bit there; but without that line, that whole section can go four days back in time, and then it makes more sense.

(If you’re interested, the major turbulence struck chapters 27-32. I’ve undergone further problems in 41-44.)

Excultus has been a lot of work at times. This business of plot events in the wrong order has never happened to me before. I’ve also had to rescue Mycroft from several inconvenient mental breakdowns. I’ve had to wade into the two of them having furious arguments, and zap entire scenes to prevent it happening. I had to stop them having sex four times before they were allowed. I’ve had to take entire sex scenes out of the latter chapters, scenes that I adore, because they were too funny, too light - because they’re not fitting with that low thrumming cello you can all hear.

East End Boy wasn’t like this. I have very few cut bits from East End Boy - and they’re all cosmetic things, phrases and sentences and paragraphs, rather than entire 5000 word chapters like Excultus.

At times, Excultus has been like vomiting things up that turn out to be something I haven’t even eaten yet. Or vomiting things up that are just the wrong type of vomit entirely.

Some sections were breezy - especially the earlier parts. All they needed was that gentle brushing. The events happening were fine; character reactions to them were fine; everything was okay to go.

But the rest has sometimes felt like putting myself through a mangle.

It’s wholly worth it.

Entirely worth it.

The more work I put into ‘Skultus, and the more problems I surmount, the more I adore it. It’s been a vicious little snake to me at times. Weird things have happened, things I don’t understand until chapters later. I’ve loved every second of it.

I’d hate for anyone to think I slide this stuff out of nowhere.

But at the same time, I’m frankly horrified by the way some writers talk about editing. All this ‘slash things up’, ‘kill your babies’ crap - ‘delete at least so much of the first draft’. ‘Never use adverbs’.

No.

Nonsense.

Not helpful, not okay.

And not true.

Editing is brushing. Grooming. Gently working tangles out of this beautiful thing you have made, so that it’s smooth and easy and enjoyable for people to run their minds through.

Even in the worst case scenario, when The Powers That Be decide to send me entire sections of story in the wrong order, it’s been utterly fixable. It just takes some time to think, a deep breath to say, “Okay, something’s not quite right here,” and the courage to wonder.

“I wonder if Myke really needs to react that angrily.”

“I wonder if I could replace this bit with a text conversation instead. That might be simpler, and fun to write.”

“I wonder if I have this discussion with Luke come earlier, then the scene later doesn’t need to include him and it solves the issue of why they’re at Scotland Yard. They can be at home instead.”

I’m ultimately a believer that you should write the things you want to read.

You should write your own favourite stories, and you should write them the way you want them to be.

When a work is finished - finished for good, and I’ve written ‘The End’ - I’m far more inclined to leave it as it is and begin a new project, than start suddenly ripping up the foundations and changing plot or structure. I’ve been there, and it hurts. I’ve never seen it work out for the better, either. I’d rather start something fresh with what I’ve learned, than get into making huge changes.

When the house is built, you can only amend so much.

So you’re worried that you put the porch on wonky - that’s fine. Now you know how to make porches. Put a really posh one on the next house.

I wish I had a ‘just written’ chapter and a brushed one to show you all. I’ll see if I can remember to do that when I’ve finished Chapter 47.

This has become a very long reply - to a question I could probably have answered with ‘a bit of both’.

I just remember the person I was several years ago, and how desperately she needed to hear this. The word ‘editing’ used to paralyse me to the heart - because I thought it meant taking a sledgehammer in both hands to the thing you love.

It really doesn’t.

It’s about giving it more love - stroking through to spot those pings, working them out, and reminding yourself how well you’ve done.

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seovoiceskills · 4 years ago

Text

Writing Concisely Blue Pencils the Task

This article helps you identify wordiness in your sentences, paragraphs, and essays and offers strategies for writing concisely.

Identifying and addressing wordiness in sentences

If you are a student, pay close attention to your instructors’ comments on your essays. Have they written things like “wordy,” “passive voice,” “filler” or “irrelevant”? By learning to write concisely, you will be able to fill your papers with more substantive information. Getting to the point promptly can help you become a clearer thinker and a more engaging writer.

Outside of school, writing concisely can help you create more effective business letters, email messages, memos, and other documents. Busy readers appreciate getting the information they need quickly and easily.

Here are some strategies to help you identify wordiness and decide whether, and how, to revise it. At times, you may choose to keep a sentence just as it is, even though there are more concise ways to express your idea: you might, for example, use repetition to emphasize a point or include a redundant pair of words (a subject we’re just about to discuss) to create a certain rhythm. What’s important is that you make a conscious choice.

1. Eliminate Redundant Pairs

When the first word in a pair has roughly the same meaning as the second, choose one.

Common examples of redundant pairs include: full and complete, each and every, hopes and dreams, whole entire, first and foremost, true and accurate, always and forever.

Example: For each and every book you purchase, you will receive a free bookmark.

Revision: For every book you purchase, you will receive a free bookmark.

2. Delete unnecessary Qualifiers

Often we use qualifiers that really aren’t necessary to express our meaning (such as “really” in this sentence). By deleting unnecessary qualifiers, you can often eliminate one or two words per sentence. Tweaks like this may not seem like much, but they can add up.

Common qualifiers include: actually, really, basically, probably, very, definitely, somewhat, kind of, extremely, and practically.

Example: Because a great many of the words in this sentence are basically unnecessary, it would really be a very good idea to edit somewhat for conciseness.

Revision: Because many of the words in this sentence are unnecessary, we should edit it.

3. Identify and Reduce Prepositional Phrases

Overuse of prepositional phrases (which begin with words like “in,” “for,” “at,” “on,” “through,” and “over”) can make a sentence clunky and unclear. To locate this problem, circle the prepositions in your draft and see whether you can eliminate any prepositional phrases without losing your meaning. Sometimes the easiest way to revise a wordy sentence is to ask yourself “What do I really mean here?” and then write a new sentence; this approach can be more efficient than just tinkering with your existing sentence.

Example: The reason for the failure of the basketball team of the University of North Carolina in the Final Four game against the team from Kansas was that on that day and at that time, some players were frequently unable to rebound the ball.

Revision: UNC’s basketball team lost the Final Four game against Kansas because it could not consistently rebound the ball.

4. Locate and Delete Unnecessary Modifiers

Sometimes the meaning of a word or phrase implies its modifier, making the modifier unnecessary.

Example: Do not try to anticipate in advance those events that will completely revolutionize society.

In this example, “anticipate” already implies that something is in advance, and “revolutionize” already implies that something will be completely changed.

Revision: Do not try to anticipate revolutionary events.

5. Replace a Phrase with a Word

Many commonly-used phrases can be replaced with single words. These phrases often crop up in writing that requires a formal tone, but they detract from, rather than add to, meaning.

“The reason for”, “due to the fact that”, “in light of the fact that”, “given the fact that”, and “considering the fact that” can be replaced with because, since, or why.

“In the event that” and “under circumstances in which” can be replaced with it. “It is necessary that” and “cannot be avoided” can be replaced with must or should.

“For the purpose of” can often be replaced with an infinitive verb (the “to ____” form of the verb).

Example: In the event that going out for the purpose of eating with them cannot be avoided, it is necessary that we first go to the ATM, in light of the fact that I am out of cash.

Revision: If we must go out to eat with them, we should first go to the ATM because I am out of cash.

6. Identify Negatives and Change them to Affirmatives

Expressing ideas in negative form means you must use an extra word; it also makes readers work harder to figure out your meaning.

Example: If you do not have more than five years of experience, do not call for an interview if you have not already spoken to human resources.

Revision: Applicants with more than five years of experience can bypass human resources and call for an interview.

Passive voice

In an active sentence, the subject (the person or thing doing the action) comes first. In a passive sentence, the order of the words is different-the object (the thing that is receiving the action) comes first, and the subject appears at the end of the sentence or isn’t included at all. To spot the passive voice, look at the main verb of each sentence-if there’s a form of “be” (am, is, are, was, were) and a past tense verb (many end with -ed), the sentence may be passive. The passive voice is not a grammatical error, and it can be useful, especially in scientific writing. But writing in the passive voice often leads to using more words than necessary. Passive sentences can also frustrate or confuse your readers, who must wait patiently to find out who or what did the action of the sentence.

Example: The 1780 constitution of Massachusetts was written by John Adams.

In this passive construction, the meaning of the sentence is clear, but there are more words than necessary. To make this sentence more concise, move the subject to the front and get rid of the “to be” verb (in this case, “was”).

Revision: John Adams wrote the 1780 Massachusetts Constitution.

Another example: The letter was taken to the mailbox by Sally.

Revision: Sally took the letter to the mailbox.

Writing Concise Papers

Now that you know how to avoid wordiness at the sentence level, you may want to try some additional strategies to use the space in your papers efficiently.

Think about your Argument

What is the idea of your paper? What exactly are you trying to accomplish? And what components of your paper are necessary to prove your argument? In a thesis-driven essay, every part of your paper should be geared toward proving that argument. Sometimes this proof will come in the form of direct evidence supporting your thesis; other times you will be addressing counterarguments.

Every paragraph in your essay must have a purpose. When revising, critically examine each paragraph and ask yourself whether it is necessary to your overall thesis. You may decide to cut some paragraphs. This process could be painful, especially if you have done a lot of research you’d like to include or need more words to meet a page limit, but it will strengthen your paper.

Think about your Audience

Not all types of writing are thesis-driven, but all writing has an intended audience. When writing, you should always have your readers in mind and consider what they need to know.

For example, when writing a paper for your psychology class on Freud’s Interpretation of Dreams, you probably do not have to start by saying “Sigmund Freud is one of the most famous psychiatrists of all time.” In most college papers, you should imagine that your audience is composed of educated readers who are not taking your class and are not experts on your current topic. Most educated readers will know who Freud is and will not need such a general reminder.

For another example, when applying to the business school and working on your one-page resume, rather than using a small font and trying to include every job and activity you took part in, think about your audience and the information they will most need to evaluate your application.

Knowing how to write concisely will serve you well in many situations. It shows your prowess in the skill of writing.

#Writing Concisely Blue Pencils

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