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brotherhuud · 2 months ago

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Life-update

haloo there,its day 71 here in cfs. How am I doing? idk anymore,as usual there are so much work on my plate rn, what am I expecting kan haha. Last night we had our last test for this week and idk if Im cooking or being cooked... after that me n classmates went to khawa for a bit just to show some support towards our classmate, safiah cs she had some kind of scc talk idk.

btw these pic was from my midsem break, yeah already midsem huhu how fast time flies. Just after midsem, my weeks are getting more hactic, we have lab and tests and quizzes and so many assignments that needed to be done in a week. So many things to be revised but insyaallah it is still manageable.

As for friends, yeah I made many new friends from the programs I joined and will be joining but none of them really yk like click in an instance. they are all just distance friends. still rethinking how to survive in kuantan without my smap gang.

Oh my time for today and tmrw are act full as we are having ibadah camp this week, and I need to practice for medcy sport days.(regretting joining so much acara padang hmm)... and macam biasa assignments and so many things to study. Last week, I joined a program which shared abt how to ace your study gitu lah, and the main point that I learned was life needs to be balance. So I started to participate in more activities as I act needed the connection btw human in order to hv a healthy mental state idk.

and you know what, i dont like that boy i knew from tt anymore. I knew it wouldnt last since the very beginning but i deny that during that time. Why? bcs its no fun liking ppl online, I only see him as someone he is being online, there was no cute meet. and act not long after im here, I act took an interest for this one man, he was working at my cafe, precisely a waffle, ice blended and geprek stall. We had a few little conversations, he even asked me where am I staying ><!! I started getting more rajin to go to cafe whenever I had chances. study at cafe during night or watch drama at cafe alone. It was fun admiring him from afar. He even became my inspiration to eat as it is act a bit hard for me to eat here bcs i just dont feel like it.

Then, the night before our midsem break, I went to cafe as usual to watch him, but this time it wasnt just me so I cant take that many glances towards him. Little did I know that it was our last meet. I was planning to eat geprek the day after but the stall was closed. I was so dissappointed I couldnt get my ayam geprek but not meeting him before midsem was more dissappointing. I comforted myself by telling myself that its only a week. When I get back, I waited until thursday, bcs usually hes off on wednesday. There, stood another makcik that handled the stall. I was so sad I didnt even bring back any food to my room. Its my first time crying over a boy after years. no, did I ever? idk.

its been three weeks but its hard to forget him bcs he was always there, the moment I look up when I went to cafe was to make eye contact with him, but yeah there werent anymore. I suddenly remembered that one time, we crossed path and we make like long eye contact then HE SMILED!! I was wearing a bit inappropiate outfit at that time so i smile back awkwardly. and that was the sec last time we met!! the last time he didnt notice me as I sat far away with my friends, just watching from afar. If I knew, i def would talk to him first, where he live? did he work on his sem break? tell him that I live in Bangi since hes studying at UKM!! It still give me pain going to cafe, sounds cringe I even get embarassed admit it to myself. prob would move on in the future, cuma perlu curhat. this reminds me of abang dm. Why do I always fall for this kind of guy? idk too its a curse. Anyway fi amanillah abang waffle, prob will forget abt you(ke?) jangan smpi aku keje ukm lps asasi sudoh

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ohbae-me · 4 years ago

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okay so, im about to go ham because i truly stand strong in my shoujo fantasy.

In my opinion, im pretty sure (like 89%) lucifer tells us that whenever mammon breaks off a relationship with someone, they go broke completely after. so hes had previous relationships before, as for the rest of the boys, im pretty sure lucifer has, but nothing serious, he wont let anyone in, MC is literally the only person who has pushed past his walls and seen him for more than pride. satan, 100% he has never had a relationship, levi, has had a couple of fwbs and other relationships but they always fizzle out, never lasting. asmo has never had a serious relationship, always just flings. belphie never had a serious relationship and same with beel. i truly believe MC is their first true loves, i know what youre thinking "theyve been alive for so long, theres no way someone couldnt have been special to them" but the thing is, theyre so different with MC; their entire dynamic and relationships changed with MC, MC saw them for more than their sin and got to know them to their very core, while yes the other relationships never lasted, thats not to say the boys didnt love them; but just not in the way they love MC. i believe MC to be a true love, not just a love, the difference for me is all of the boys would gladly give up chasing MC once she finds herself happy with another brother, instead of forcing them to choose yk? the "as long as youre happy, it kills me everytime i look at you smile at him, but i love you too much to let you be miserable with me" and i dont think any of them have experienced. also, with the whole "new relationship" thing, the honey moon phase, while yes every couple has it, i feel like with MC it would just, last. not to say they wouldnt have fights; ofc they would, but its different with MC, everyday the brothers would wake up and chose the option to love and fall in love all over again, speaking further on that, i dont think any of them would truly get over MC. and i mean that; (i dont think MC is going to die, obey me devs have something planned LOL, plus theyre super powerful, like the other anon said i dont think theyd be able to really function without them, even if they do "get over" mcs death at some point.) after MC dies i feel like the family dynamic wouldnt be the same, the brothers would get quieter and would never truly forget about it? and every relationship would fail because theyre not MC (you dont have to agree but i love reverse harems), like i 100% hc that after MC chooses another brother or after they die, mammon would try and try to find new flings, even after its been decades mammon finds someone whos super similar to MC, their look, personality, etc, but one wrong move and theyre out. (say MC doesnt like pickles, but the replacement for MC does, he would immediately start crying and call mc a stupid human who he shouldnt have fallen for.) anyways in conclusion, i truly dont think MC would ever die canonically in the obey me game, the devs are sneaky (love you devs), but even if they would, i really feel like they would never get truly over it. some part of me truly believes that the brothers would go back to being distant, how they were before. they would sit at the table and eat in silence, asmo would begin partying ten times harder (since we already know he uses his ego to cover up his major insecurity of people not liking him and how he feels about himself) and the brothers would become even more indugled in their sin. also, for every relationship they would have, they would just compare them to MC, and yeah but I cannot see MC dying. the other stuff about what the brothers would be like after MC dies could also be applied to when MC chooses her s/o. i think the brothers would be super fucking hurt, that was their first love, their first understanding who walked out and chose someone who wasnt them. anyways thats all, you dont have to reply i just felt like i needed to get this off of my chest, also im gonna be pretty frequent on your blog ( i love ur writing ) so im gonna call myself cake anon! have a great day! - cake anon

Hello Cake! iluuu! Thanks for this, i really love getting every ones take on these things! And there is defs a lot that i agree with here.

I agree with the Mammon part. Out of all of the brothers, i feel he is probably the easiest to get emotionally attached in a relationship, so i see him as the one with the most previous relationships. Asmo coming in second, but his being mostly flings or poly/open relationships. I’m sure Mammon has had some serious ones as well as many flings, where Asmo’s have never been overly serious and certainly never long lasting. I’m also sure Luci has had a few, some more serious than others, but he wouldn’t get overly attached emotionally. I’m sure he’d be too busy with Diavolo since arriving, being the workaholic he is. I’m sure not many partners would be willing to deal with that level of non-commitment and emotional unavailability from him.Levi I feel like all his relationships never left that awkward early stage, and his only ‘serious’ relationships would have been strictly online, maybe a couple meetups that made him nope right out of it. Satan, again, has probably just gone on some casual dates but didn’t have much interest in actually dating rather than gaining connections. i feel like Beel is the most likely candidate to have had healthy previous relationships. He is pretty well balanced emotionally and has a good outlook on love and family values. I’m sure he’s had a few serious relationships and has dated his share of people. Belphie gives me vibes of had one or two previous serious relationships that did not end well at all and now he’s a salty sob over it lmao.

I still don’t feel like MC is necessarily their first true love, but maybe the first different kind of love for them. MC has reached them in ways no one else has, they don’t try to change anything, they fit in well with the whole family, they understand their sins etc. I have loved a few different people in my life, and each one was such a different experience for me. The first guy i loved, i consider to be my first true love. However, it didn’t work. And then i met the man I eventually married, he wasn’t my first true love, but it was a better kind of love, yk?

And uugghh you ripped my heart out with how the brothers would feel if MC chose a different brother!!!! Because they all would be so heartbroken it’s not them, but they really truly just want mc to be happy and cared for, and they know their brother would keep them safe and provide well.

A few asks ago, i mentioned that the brothers would move on eventually. I think there is a big difference in moving on and getting over that I maybe didn’t articulate very well. If MC were to die or choose someone else, they would move on eventually, but they might not ever really get over it. My heart hurts just thinking about how they would feel trying to move on. Like you mentioned, the empty, quiet dinner tables, lackluster parties and festivals, it would be like they lost their best friend. (i giggled picturing your mammon scenario with the pickle because that’s exactly how he’d react to something so small lmaooo)

I also agree that i don’t think the devs will kill mc off (again), that just seems like a really crappy way to end the game!! I’m curious to see how they would make different routes go if you can only romance one of them end game, vs you being able to have them all? I wonder if we’d get a choice in the whole becoming immortal thing or not?

Sorry if this reply was too long and rambly, i absolutely love discussing these kinds of things!! I always welcome these asks!!!

#obey me #obey me asks #sheptalks #obey me lucifer #obey me mammon #obey me asmodeus #obey me satan #obey me leviathan #obey me beelzebub #obey me belphegor

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aveys6 · 4 years ago

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little wip

how richie's health changes in relation to his relationship w eddie

* the dialogue is rough bc i intend on actually putting it into structured sentences in ao3, bare w me

age 13 - 1989

"sorry guys, cant hang today. i have a hot appointment scheduled with dr noelle" he lifted his eyebrows and shit to insuate prostitution

"so, what, you have a physical?" stan said unimpressed

"that's the techinical term, stanny, but we all know better. i cant wait to have her hot bod all over me on the examination table-"

a chorus of dismissal waves around him, and eddie elbows his upper arm. stan even mutters something about 'examination' being quite a big word for richie to use.

"i bet theyre gonna test you for HIV. or maybe you'll get diagnosed with lung cancer from all of those cigarettes you've been smoking. *insert fact about smoking here that was probably exaggerated*"

"oh yeah? and where'd you hear that? your mommy?" richie challenged, ignoring eddies mention of the 'queer disease'

"ill have you know, dipwad, that my mom is highly educated in the field of medicine. cigarettes are insanely addictive-"

rich cuts him off and mocks with a nasally voice

"according to my calculations, cigarettes have roughly 236 chemicals in them-"

"thats basically true!"

"you guys are infuriating, but im pretty sure eddie's right on this one"

"thank you stan!"

"my mom says its fine because im young"

"im pretty sure she said that in reference to your junk food intake which you should also cut back on-"

"anyway," rich cuts in "im 100% sure everything will go completely fine. my doctor will be swayed by my irresistible charm to which she will then add a couple inches to my heigh chart so i can officially be 5'4 and make fun of you all"

eddie was determined not to smile, his quivering lips miraculously staying straight and expressionless "thats not how it works and you know it"

"not with that attitude!" noogie on eds

"fuckin quit it!"

his heel was practically slapping the waiting room floor, eyes flittering over childish paintings of sea creatures on the walls.

eddies irrational-but-not-quite-irrational rants finally processed in his mind.

richie never liked worrying his friend. he knew the boy's mom was a nutjob and said as such often (as well as vocalized his extreme desire to 'love her up'). he knew eddie was basically brainwashed.

it was scary, having someone worry about you. it means they cared. richie never truly comprehended why they cared. why eddie specifically cared. but it also felt good to have someone worry about him, outside of his mother, who, speaking of, gently placed a hand on his knee to stop its incessant movement.

richie wasnt the prime of schoolgirl crushes. he looked a little buggish: big eyes, thin limbs- clumsy and annoying. he wondered why eddie of all people gave him the time of day, and sometimes even more than that.

"richie toe-zee-air?"

the pair stood up despite mispronunciation.

richie was more than delighted to announce that his appointment was flawlessly average. everyone knows the deal: lie about how many fruits and veggies you consume, exaggerate how early you go to bed, deflect when the doctor asks if you've experienced any romantic or sexual attraction, count the inches of a growth spurt- no biggie.

"im sorry for, like, berating you earlier. i dont like doctors."

"i would hardly call what you did berating eds. it was your normal amount of neuroticism. dont sweat it"

there was a pause

eddie breaks the silence "i just worry sometimes"

ah, so it was confirmed.

"i know you do, eds."

"how do you know the word neuroticism?"

"heard my dad say it."

--------

age 25 - 2001

richie was back to tapping his foot on the linoleum of a waiting room. this time, alone, with no one to calm his fire-y energy. its not like he wanted the tapping to stop anyway. the repetitive motion helped ease the anticipation of getting scolded for letting himself go. this time not by a boy he couldnt catch the name of, but by a licensed professional.

he reasoned that he would rather hear it from the boy. what the hell was that shit bag's name?

this was the first appointment he had attended and organized since his pediatrician refused another after his 22nd birthday. she was already stretching the age limit of which he could visit (said extension curtesy of his dad being friends with medicinal people).

he figured it was time to move on with his life once snotty kids started giving him weird looks for fidgeting with the baby toys displayed near check-in. what says being an adult more than scheduling your own health appointments? richie answers that question by saying 'having to pay for them'.

richie's silent complaints are interrupted by a soft knock. a very typical, white-haired, doctor you'd see in movie, type of dude sauntered in.

"mr tozier, im dr sigman, how're we doin'?" he said, pumping obscene amounts of hand sanitizer.

richie replied automatically, "i'm doing pretty well, doc', how are you?"

as one can tell by the excruciatingly boring small talk, richie seemed to have lost his most palatable edge: quirky socialization.

"eh, my condition is not what's important here. how about you sit up on this here table and we can listen to your heart and lungs."

richie followed the instruction, heart rate increasing accordingly. the paper on the bench-table-thing crinkled far too loudly to be acceptable. maybe he was hungover. it would explain the heightened senses.

"so, according to your medical records, tozier, you haven't had an annual physical since- uh..." the man scanned his clipboard, "1998, correct?"

"that is correct, sir" his ears were aflame.

"mkay. you eat healthy?"

okay, then, they were getting right into it

"as healthy as i can, sir" what kind of fuckin answer was that?

dr sigman grimaced a bit, clearly knowing richies response meant his patient ate an apple every month or so to throw his body for a loop or, rather, 'reset' the ol' immune system. a shallow try at 'taking back your life' like some tabloid bullshit.

"you have a stable sleep schedule?"

richie shrugged with an "i guess" that conveyed that his average hours of sleep per night were as dreadful as his attempt at a balanced food pyramid plate.

"smoke or drink?"

now thats the million dollar question

#richie tozier #it 2017 #it 2020 #eddie kaspbrak #reddie #yeah idk

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abtoddler · 5 years ago

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Good morning!

Soooooo imma air something that happened. Someone thought it was a smart idea to post meanness of one of my pics.

Yes, im defiantly not neurotypical. I am on a ton of new meds that trying to re established a healthy base.

I have had a meltdown by everyone i loved cause they really hurt me when they prolonged my fears and stuff. So fuck eveyone who wants to give their 2 cents saying that what ever i do hasnt got to with autusm. Fuck those people it the entire reason i was tortured by my mother, my dad was her muscle. Her abuse hit my school, i couldnt get away from them there. I couldnt have regular friends, they all had to be out and away from home because of how much she hates eveyone.

My disability case is being worked on by the disability advocacy center in san diego. This is a scary thing for me when its this bad. Its been this bad a few times. It always costs me my friends. Once someone triggers that kind of a response, it means they will be able to do it to me again, because of the trust they have established.

They use trust to have me vulnerable.

The talk and they tell me to “trust that they know what im talking about so i should not describe it, when they are entirely wrong

They’re gettibg mad at me when they set me off and start yelling at them when they make to much noise i panic

They get mad at me when i ask:

Can i please have the air conditioning on, ir please not talk, or they feel they are entirled to start smacking things, yelling at me for how perfect something is because its the only words i can het out.

So fuck absolutely all of you who would say no im not autistic, or my diapers, clothes, furniture, does in fact come directly from my regression features of the type of autism i have. I will be doing everything my psychiatrist told me to do.

Get safe.

Im doine being abused by people who make me love them, hurt me from their intentional harm because they are angry at me when i get scared. Of yelled at by my daddy when i don’t understand. I love those guys; but i also love my mom whose been compared to hitler, for her inflicting the aba abuses on me for 30+ years.

This is my page, my thoughts what i find nice and I am not going to let them have any say.

I no longer talk to my mother (march)

Daddy and one of my big brother are no longer living with me (april)

Big brother rocket. Is no longer in my life (yesterday) i told him goodbye.

If i will not tolerate the people i love hurting me because they are trying to when im afraid or im scared. I am an actual pirate and a sorcerer. If i have to become a villan in order to live a life free of the abuses by the ones i love.

My daddy hayden does a different everyone he knows how to calm me. Nikki and alex and hayden keep me level when i cant talk. They are in the technology where i speak and communicate (text).

This is my blog, my disability, my pain, my suffering, my abuses and my bad times. Turned into somehow so something good comes from my life.

My plushes are soft, my bed comfy for my bad back. Im medically incontinent so diapers are the entire problem ive had by my parents because for me they are a need: people abusing me because of rhe laundry list of needs that they don’t understand.

There are circles of people, big brother alex calls it like a castle. Or others for as a family. The difference betwen a parent like haydens, to a daddy like xavier: there is no amount of anything other then love to him. Same as big brother nikki and alex, im not normal.

Im a walking toddler, i eat babyfood cause my stomach doesnt digest food properly. I am incontinent front and back, my meds and the pain im in has been 8+ years. The abuses for my regression, my diapers, my personality, that those i love to allow them the kind of relationship where they are involved and a degree of trust had been established. However their actions have made it so i dont trust the network of support im supposed to have.

When im scared, or like unable to be around daddy cause im smoking my weed for pain management. If im talking to people online aboit the stuff that scares me because they are people who.choose me. Regardless of emotional problems and mental issues, to find the level or care i need. When those people in my support network fuck me up, they are no longer able to. My mother; i so dont want to see. Tim i never wish to see again. And i cannot emphasize how much i miss my brother nikki and daddy, and how completely different daddy hayden is. There is no competition for my love of these 4 men, and my loathing of those who intentionally cause me pain.

Im trying really hard. People who do not realize that yea im a disabled autistic regressor in chronic pain and have a laundry list of meds im either on or didnt. I hurt every day. I would rather my plusehs and crib than to not having what im comfortable with. If people do not allow my comfort, or safety. Then they are not ever going to be able to do it again.

My psychiatrist said to get to safety. I live alone now. Im not happy about it. I will be working with a psychiatrist and the disability staff and my doctors to chemically assist the process to balance my thoughts and try to come up with a version of me I like best.

#tykables dinorar #autism #wet #autistic #incontenence #chronic pain #little4evr

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popatochisssp · 6 years ago

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So your recent chapter in snips and snails has had me thinking. How would other skellies react if their bro started falling for their SO? Would they all be up for polyamory or would some tell their bro to get over it, or they break up with SO as to push them toward their brother. This information is important for my daydreaming

Anonymous: Heyo! Are you doing hc’s right now? If so, what are your ideas for a polyamorous relationship with sans/so/papyrus? I know you mentioned it with FGTC, but how would the other boys do? Thank you and ilysm!!

Well, the short version of these questions seems to be– “Can I make it work if I want to smooch both brothers?”

And the answer to that question as far as I’m concerned is yes! Ultimately, all skeles would be down for this kind of relationship!

…But some of them are going to have an easier road than others.

Yes, it’s the ‘fells that are on the Struggle Bus, of course it is, those boys have issues.

Undertale:

They’re a great combo!

They already know each other so well and love/respect one another that looping you into their relationship as a romantic branch is the easiest thing in the world.

They both balance the other out really well, to the point that dating them both might even make for a more harmonious relationship than choosing just one: Papyrus won’t shy away from lecturing Sans when his laziness may be letting you down, and Sans knows how to gently point out when Papyrus might be unintentionally talking over you or pushing too hard at something.

There’s no jealousy between them and you’re all grown, mature adults more than capable of navigating a three-person relationship.

Underswap:

Another great choice!

Much like the classic Sans-Papyrus pair, the Sky-Paps match-up isn’t just functional, it’s hyper-functional.

Their brotherly relationship is strong and they’re great at meeting and handling situations as a team, and you’re no different. Most of your time with them will be spent as a trio rather than duos with an odd man out since that’s what they do anyway– you’re just along for the ride! When one-on-one time does come around, they’ll pass you off to the other without hesitation, no jealousy to be found and just a nuzzle on your cheek and an encouragement to have fun.

Even the usually clingy Sky doesn’t mind giving you and Paps space when you want it since there’s no one he trusts and loves more than his (big) little brother, and Paps might actually feel a little more driven to impress and woo you when he sees the lengths Sky regularly goes to. Maybe he can’t one-up his big brother’s efforts, but it reminds him that you’re special and deserving of the attention and he’ll show you so in his own, more understated way.

They balance each other out in so many ways that it won’t ever feel like you’re trying to juggle them to make things work. As long as you love them, they’ll love you right back and your relationship is practically self-sustaining!

Underfell:

You must not be shy of challenges, because you’ve gotten yourself into some rocky waters with this one.

They’ll both agree to this pretty quickly without much fuss– sharing a datemate with their brother, the only person who always had their back underground and would die for them, and vice versa? Of course, there’s no one they’d rather trust you with than their own brother!

They say that, and for the most part they do mean it, but… there are some very well-buried landmines here and you will find at least one of them in the course of this relationship.

For Jasper, it’s bitterness: here’s yet another thing in his life that he’s giving up for his brother’s sake. It’s not Pyre he resents but the situation and how exceedingly unfair the circumstances of his life have been so far. He lost his childhood to raising and protecting Pyre while he was young, and then he had to play his toady and listen to barked orders and snapped insults so Pyre could maintain a fearsome reputation and neither of them would get too severely messed with. And then now here’s this, a datemate he can’t even keep all to himself because you love his baby brother, too. It stings, but he’ll try to quash it down since he loves you and Pyre too deeply to ever want to cause problems for you.

Meanwhile Pyre is masking his own issues, namely jealous insecurity. He loves Jasper, too, and he deeply respects the sacrifices his big brother made for him Underground both in adolescence and adulthood, but…well, it’s not as if he had it easy! Jasper’s initially low HP meant that no matter how strong a fighter he was, there’d always be somebody who saw him as easy EXP, somebody trying to kill them both because they could– that was why he worked his way up to Captain of the Royal Guard and trained so hard to become an efficient, deadly soldier, so that he could be intimidating enough that most monsters wouldn’t even want to try attacking him or somebody under his command. That’s why he had to distance himself from everyone else, even the brother he was trying to protect, just in case someone tried to take advantage of a social connection. He was completely emotionally isolated for a long time, with a lot weighing on his shoulders: his duties, his brother’s safety, his own safety, and Jasper…

Jasper didn’t have to shoulder any of that once Pyre took responsibility.

Pyre knows, intellectually, that Jasper suffered at least as bad for a long time, but emotionally it hurt and made Pyre a little angry to see him socializing freely with the lowlifes at Grillby’s and sleeping openly at his illegal hot-dog stands. Jasper couldn’t have been totally carefree, no one could be underground, but he had the luxury of being very close to it thanks to Pyre’s status, which Pyre maintained at his own expense. And now, it feels like Jasper is taking advantage of him again, casually charming his way into your good graces and seducing you away from him.

He’s fairly certain he’s going to lose you, actually, since he knows that his older brother is the more personable of the two of them and he hates the waiting, he kinda wants to just end it himself and let Jasper have you…

But, same as Jasper, Pyre loves both of you dearly and he knows that abruptly breaking up with you would hurt you, and that Jasper would figure out why he did it and be even more hurt plus guilty over it, so he bites his tongue.

They’re both going to stew in silence over it and are fully committed to doing so for the rest of your natural lives– you’re going to have to mediate this if you want to have any hope of a healthy relationship.

It won’t be too hard to figure out what’s going on with them individually, they’re both very salty skeletons that can mostly keep quiet about the things bugging them, but there’s a lot of snide and bitter quips muttered under their breath that you’re usually close enough to hear and draw conclusions from. At that point, you need to sit down with them and force a discussion; play whatever hard-ball you must to get them to talk, this is too important to sweep under the rug just because it’s awkward and painful.

They’ll be stilted at first and need a lot of prodding to keep going, embarrassed that their datemate is playing counselor for them, but soon enough they’ll start talking on their own. Yelling on their own. Screaming at each other and breaking shit on their own.

They’ve been repressing a lot of emotions for a long time and now that they’re flowing it’s like a tsunami, one you should probably get out of the splash zone of while they get it all out.

You don’t have to worry about them actually hurting each other, there’s far too much love between them for that and once the anger and bitterness is out there in the open, they realize that, too. There’s gonna be tears and broken sobs and fierce hugging and that’s your cue to get back on in there and take care of your boys– they love each other, they love you, and you love them right back, it doesn’t have to be any more complicated than that.

Once the dust is settled, you’re theirs for life, no take-backs. You came into their home, showed them love and affection, and helped them get their brother back after years of tension and walking on eggshells: if you think they’re ever going to let you go now, you’re dead-wrong.

There’s going to be days when you almost regret emotionally reconciling them because when they’re not bickering over petty nonsense or competing with each other, they are the most terrifyingly efficient team you’ve ever seen. They’ll casually join forces against you whenever it suits them and you don’t stand a snowball’s chance in hell. They love and respect you of course, they’d never hurt or take advantage of you, but the combined force of Jasper’s rough charm and Pyre’s slick cunning means that you’re not often going to find yourself ‘winning’ in your relationship.

On the bright side, your romantic life is positively scorching between these two fiery personalities and the loving passion they have for you is more than enough of a balm on any wounds you might take to your pride. ;3

Swapfell:

Deceptively easy.

At first, they’re both very excited and on-board for this. As far as they’re concerned, there’s no one better in the world to share their datemate with than their own brother, someone trustworthy that they love unconditionally and don’t have to worry about losing you to, since they obviously wouldn’t try to steal you from each other.

And that’s true, because if there’s a problem it won’t be something they did, it’ll be what you did. Or maybe more accurately, what you didn’t do.

There’s really only one way to screw this up, but it’s a hard and fast death sentence for the relationship if you start neglecting Rus or playing favorites with Mal instead.

Rus is a needy guy, not too prone to jealousy but very prone to insecurity when the conditions are right, and Mal is one of the hardest (albeit unintentional) hitter of those buttons. His big brother, the one who’s taken care of him his whole life, protected him and sacrificed for him, Rus thinks Mal is a really cool guy. He’s not surprised at all that you want to date him, but he is surprised that you want to date Mal’s living disaster of a brother, too.

If you’re not careful and spend too much time with Mal or side with him all the time or do anything that could indicate you have a significant preference for one brother over the other, Rus is probably gonna jump to some conclusions and now it makes sense to him why you’re not just dating his brother– it’s ‘cause it’s a pity thing…isn’t it?

Mal is the one you really want but you or Mal or maybe both of you noticed his pathetic interest in you and decided to toss him a bone. To make him feel better. Yaaaay.

His aversion to conflict means that he’s definitely never going to say anything to either of you, ever, but his 'realization’ (whether it’s true or not, almost certainly not) is painful and he won’t be able to help sulking and shying away from your affection for awhile.

That, for Mal, is as good as an actual, physical red flag. He’s sharp and knows his brother well enough to piece together everything that’s happened in Rus’ self-deprecating skull and as far as he’s concerned, there’s only one course of action from here: he’s gonna try to wriggle himself out of the relationship entirely and push you towards Rus.

Mal loves his baby brother fiercely and since he already blames his failings as a pseudo-parent for the anxiety and insecurity he struggles with, the absolute last thing he wants to do is hurt him by taking his datemate away. It’s a no-brainer to remove himself from the situation if he’s distracting you from Rus, but once it’s progressed to this point, there’s no positive outcome for anyone.

Rus is now convinced he’s the pity-boyfriend and feels awful that you don’t get to be with Mal anymore because he couldn’t hide his dumb feelings better. Mal is upset that he can’t be with you, and a little upset with you for not loving his little brother enough to begin with and making this choice necessary. And of course, you’re gonna be hurting, too, because one of your boyfriends thinks he’s your consolation prize and the other isn’t even your boyfriend anymore.

But of course, that’s the Worst Case Scenario.

To make this work, you just need to be fair about sharing your time and affection, which in healthy polyamory, you should probably already be doing! But if for some reason, you can’t do that, skew slightly in Rus’ favor. Mal can be jealous and selfish but he’s more than willing to make room for his brother’s happiness, and he knows that he’s welcome to edge into yours and Rus’ time together if he really wants– Rus has no problems sharing, he just gets a little upset if he thinks he’s the second choice.

If you put in the time and effort to assure Rus that you’re dating him because you care about him, this actually becomes one of the easiest bro-combos possible. Mal and Rus have a less contentious relationship than the other ‘fell brothers and with less buried anger and bitterness between them their bond is already strong and relatively healthy when you enter the mix.

Your integration is like finding the perfect centerpiece to tie an already-stylish room together. Mal plans all the dates and budgets your time between them in the most efficient way possible, while Rus makes sure you and him still get some time to relax and screw around at home. They work very well together as brothers and as your co-boyfriends with about equal importance placed on each role, so you’ll feel nothing but cherished and wanted between the two of them. Make sure to return the favor!

Horrortale:

Yes, a fantastic idea!

They’re both delighted that you asked and agree to share you pretty much immediately, without even a little fuss.

Slate and Papy are arguably the most codependent of the brothers (understandably, considering their shared trauma of the famine) and they’re also probably the most emotionally open with one another as a result, so if a poly relationship seems like it’s becoming a possibility with you, they’re going to get everything talked out and openly agreed upon for a very smooth transition.

It’s actually…kind of an ideal situation for both of them, in a way? Their issues and insecurities are…well, there’s a good deal of them and they’re both a tad concerned that the weight of it might be too much for you alone. They don’t want to overwhelm you or put too much pressure on you just because they’re a little… ‘broken’ is the wrong word for it, but they’re far from undamaged, either!

But with the other brother in the mix, the same one who’s always been there to support his sibling even before you came along, so much of that pressure is taken off.

Slate doesn’t worry that you’re going to suffer from his dissociation and memory problems because he knows Papy is there with his sharp mind and attention to detail to pick up the slack. Likewise, Papy doesn’t worry quite so much on his bad days that you’re secretly unhappy or would be better off without him because Slate is around, who even with a hole in his skull is naturally charming and very skilled at reading people– if you had any complaints, Slate would know and pass them along so they could make you as content as possible!

The end result is that they both relax and don’t psych themselves out quite as much as they might without their brother, and you get to see them as close to their old, pre-horror selves as they can get. Papy is a little more confident and Slate jokes around more and they both treat you like you make the sun rise every morning because you’re the one that loves them both enough to let this relationship be a thing they can have and that’s so cool.

There’s not a drop of jealousy over you from either of them, especially when they can see first-hand that you’re making their brother as happy as you make them, so this is a pretty harmonious and loving match-up, with a lot of potential for success!

#undertale #headcanons #sans #papyrus #sans/reader #papyrus/reader #underswap #us!sans #us!papyrus #underfell #uf!sans #uf!papyrus #swapfell/fellswap #sf!sans #sf!papyrus #horrortale #ht!sans #ht!papyrus

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thoughtcock · 3 years ago

Text

Post breakup reflection

1. What was my role in the demise of this relationship?

Many times, he has expressed to me that I am not fulfilling his needs enough and that he’s way more giving than I am in the relationship.

For example, he expects sex at least 3-4 times a week, and uses sex as a way to destress himself. For me, working full time with irregular schedules makes it pretty difficult for that to commit to this much sexy time. Plus, when I’m stressed, sex is the last thing I would think of. As such, I felt guilty and pressured whenever I can’t seem to satisfy him physically. It’s like I’m expected to still give a blowjob and whatever after a long, hectic and possibly even traumatising day at work. During the whole period of dating I felt like I partially lost interest in sex. Not just because of work stress, but I’m sure he played a role in making me feel like this as well. As a result, sometimes our times in bed can feel "boring” or I just seem to feel pain/discomfort from sex. To him, being unable to satisfy him made him feel upset, and he would be meaner to me as a result. Honestly, 1-2 times a week is more than enough for me, but sometimes he made me feel like I never tried, and that hurts but I guess that disinterest has caused the downfall. He said so much hurtful things to me in retrospect, and I can’t believe I just took in everything he said and thought we could work this out again.

He thinks I’m too passive and quiet, always being unable to speak my mind and engage in deep conversations with him. But again, I always felt like I am trying my best, its just I’’m so tired from work and I physically just dont have the energy to keep having deep philosophical conversations over and over again. Sometimes I would just like my downtime to be chill, making dumb jokes and just doing mindless stuff together. I would admit that it can be difficult for me to speak my mind at times, but I really really really did try my best to open up as best as I can. I am not sure how else I can be open already to be honest. And the more he demands that from me, the more emotionally tiring it is for me. Because I really am not sure where I have gone wrong in that regard, but I just know what I’m not doing enough to him has caused the downfaill of our relationship.

The nature of my job has also caused a lot of friction between us as well. There were times where I would unreasonably make him translate a lot of sound bites for me, lots of last minute OT days that left him waiting for me, lots of anxiety on my end that he can’t seem to help me with. In all honesty, he has never been that respectful to my job, and questioned my skills as a reporter. But for me, I just wished he couldnt understand why I felt like this and just be there for me (without making fun of me) when things got tough. It is my fault to an extent because I sometimes cannot control my emotional outbursts during work and that work always seems to throw me a curveball and that I am constantly seeking help from him.

It fucking sucks but I guess its really our needs clashing against each other, and it feels so fucked up to admit that I let myself be treated like that and I question myself if I will ever be enough.

2. What can I do differently in my next relationship?

Writing this out made me realise that all these demises are really out of my control. But I know there’s some aspects of myself that i can change. I agree that I’m a passive and less giving person, in which I swore to myself that I would change when we patched back again. I guess it was too late because you broke my heart really soon after that.

I would do so much differently. I would never ever let myself feel small, belittled or get fucked over by a man again. I would find someone who can compliment my lifestyle and needs, and vice versa. I would find someone who makes me believe that I am enough, that I don’t have to fight so hard just to maintain the relationship. I would be more guarded, as I now realise that even the most unexpecting of people can do horrible things like cheating, but not too guarded that I lose my ability to be vulnerable and have trust issues with the guy (I should never feel like i have trust issues if I’m with someone who truly loves me). I would never settle for men who are not willing to commit, or second guess their commitments halfway through the relationship. I will never be with someone who has cheated, or are still in contact with their toxic exes. I would not be with someone overly religious. I would never be with someone who pressures me for more sex.

As for myself, I want to be more giving to the person who is deserving of it. I want us to plan for our goals and future together. I want to be more communicative even when the times are tough. I want to shower him with more loving words, little handmade gifts, acts of service to show that I’m thinking of him more. I want to be more appreciative of their presence and love, never to take them for granted. I want to spend more quality time with him, while doing my best to balance my work well and not unload shit on him too much.

3. Have I been realistic in my expectations?

I realised that by being attached to someone, I tend to let my expectations go down without even realising, as I think my needs are not as important for now. For example, I would prefer to rent a house together and have a chat on how we can align our life goals together, our financial goals. If marriage is on the line, sure I am open to it. I would prefer to have pets over children anyday as well. I am also willing to move out to anywhere, like a bonnie and clyde do or die moment together. Our lives didn’t have to be stable exactly, I just needed a stable person that can do life with me even with all the crazy unexpected adventures ahead.

In hindsight, my ex was suddenly unwilling to do all of that with me. He gave me excuses like him still finding a job and not thinking of the future, and later just outrightly admitted that he didn’t want a lifestyle like that. And here I was, being naive enough to accept his words, thinking that we can talk about this again in the future, when his career is more stable bla bla bla. And in the end, that caused us to break up.

I would say at my age, my expectations are pretty reasonable, its everything a long-term couple would have to face eventually. It just too bad I’ve been dating people who seem to have commitment issues or “cannot give me what I want”. But what I want is pretty ordinary in any healthy relationship,.........

4. Would I date me?

I would say yes, I think knowing myself, I am a more fun person who can live a life free of guilty conscience. I am not exactly a morally bad person I think? I think I am a mentally strong person despite all of life shits thrown at me, and I am a committed person once I think I am the person for me. Just look at me in my previous relationships, trying to stick by the people I thought who loved me until they told me they couldn’t. Also, my looks ain’t that bad if I take care of myself well

Of course, there’s some aspects of me that may not be dateable. For example, I’m messy, disorganised, overly emotional at times. I may be passive at times as well. I am not exactly the kindest person as well, I take more than I give. Oh well, no one is perfect right?

5. Who was he really?

Wow... a miserable, narcissistic, cynical and all round horrible person. I might be biased because he cheated of me and broke my heart, but I really never expected him to be this heartless. To be asking me “Why are you so upset since its not your fault”?/?? Like hello are you dense or stupid or just fucking ruthless? I am upset and heartbroken because I LOVED YOU. Yes, you warned me this is the kind of person you were, but yet I am so dumb to love you and accepted your flaws. I thought my love was enough for you. Oh well, at least when the next person tells me that, I would gladly fuck off next time, because who knows when they will use that against me. Thank you for showing your true colors again and again. I think I was just blinded because I accepted the fucked up person as you are. Fuck you, you miserable shithead and for telling me all these lies at the start of our relationship. fuck you for rushing into this, and pressuring me to date and have sex with you even though I had my reservations and I would have taken things slow. Fuck, typing this out just made me realise how much I gave in to you. And that makes me sad because I comprimised so many of my beliefs just to get together with you. You really did make me feel like a fool in the end, fuck you.

6. What is my limiting belief?

Living in this city can be such a lonely thing. When I was single, I let myself do situationships and FWBs and hook-ups, but all these just served to make me feel empty in the end. I thought I could be happy on my own, but thinking about it now, I had the help of many passing men in my life to distract things. Now that I’m not about that lifestyle anymore, it really does make me feel small and empty and lonely here. I guess my limiting belief would be that no matter how hard I try to want to be okay with being alone, I am still scared that I would actually end up alone, even though being alone may not be such a bad thing.

My limiting belief is also that I think I might never be able to find someone who 100% compliments me. Idk why that scares me so much and its such a sad thought, which is why I tend to settle and comprimise for people who may not be so good to me. Will I be able to find someone that aligns with my life goals, while being able to understand and connect to me? Whoever you are, I hope I can find you someday.

7. What are my plans for me?

It does seem tempting to jump back to dating apps in hopes to find someone again, but I know that is not going to help in the long run. I guess i have to use the next couple of months to really re-evaluate my life and what I want next. Perhaps it is to focus on my career while learning how to manage the hectic-ness that comes ahead, and to form healthy habits like exercise and regular therapy to improve on my well-being. I also want to take the time to connect with my friends and meet new ones again, they have been so helpful to me, being there for me at my worst when I felt like this pain was just too much to bear. I realise now I do have a very good group of friends, and I want to be there for them even if I get into another relationship.

It kinda sucks having to go through this process of breakup again, not going to lie, but I want to take the time to have a clean slate of mind before jumping back to the dating game. and this time, I am not playing any games or taking shit from people who don’t matter. I want to learn how to respect myself enough to walk away from shitty people and situations, I want to learn how to protect my heart better, I want to be a better person for me. I want to love myself more so I can eventually love someone else just as much as I love me. And if that someone never comes? I want to learn to truly accept being on my own. I thought I had that nailed down previously but I guess some lessons need to be re-learnt again.

If time goes well, I should be able to date again in a few months. I dont really think I have to take many months again to see if Im ok with a relationship again. Because I know its something I want to pursue at this point, and this process may take a long time anyway. So in the meantime, I will just learn how to take everything with a pinch of salt while I put myself out there again.

I am proud of myself for trying to take the healthy way out and trying to heal healthily from this, even though this path feels so lonely at times. But I have to do it for me...

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in-paradox-space · 7 years ago

Text

So I’ve been away for a week at my dads place

I didn’t take any codeine with me because I want to stop

mainly to reduce tolerance and preserve what I have for a trip to the US

im worried about getting it through customs as I’m prescribed it online instead of from my actual doctor, so it doesnt come with my name on it

I thought about smuggling the small pills into a box of rainbow nerds but if I do get caught with that there’d probably be pretty big consequences

i suppose I’ll just keep it with my other medicine and see what happens. If I can’t take it with me then so be it

well anyway

I’ve had a bad cold for almost a week, plus physical withdrawal

but codeine withdrawal isn’t too harsh. It’s just a cold and some sad nights really.

I started to feel better 2 days ago

I came back home today

now my head is clear I can see how filthy my flat really is

it’s awful

the food, everywhere

just lay out to rot and grow mould

theres a loaf of bread in my kitchen which is literally all blue

there’s just some spots of brown left

its been there one or two months

I’m getting tired of doing drugs

I honestly am

I’m wanting to just stop a little more each day

every drug

but yeah

I started feeling liver pains last night and moreso today

it could be many things but I think abusing so much codeine the past month plauys a role

I’ve been taking over 450mg at a time half the time

over 300mg is said to be harmful but i thought fuck it, its only codeine

i have a slightly weakend liver from some shit before

ive drank a few times on codeine

im on meds which are heavy on the liver

my body also has been through a lot

it might not be the codeine but idk

ill tell my doctor and I’ll just be honest with them, let them know ive been using this much so they can decide

worst case scenario, my meds are causing this

that means i have to stop my meds and find a new medicine to use AGAIN

I have a rare condition which requires certain medicines, long story

hng

well now im back I took some codeine again

like seven 30mg pills

im going back to my dads in a few days, again I’ll leave the codeine here

I felt great after the physical withdrawal/cold was over

codeine withdrawal is quite, how do you say, forgiving, for an opiate

but yeah

just all the drugs

mdma, codeine, vitamins that I’ve researched online which supposedly increase the production of good brain chemicals such as dopa, serotonin, drinking on weeknights, eating really unhealthily because im too lazy to cook and/or clean my kitchen in order to cook

ups, downs, ups, downs, ups, downs, ups, downs

constantly running away from the problem

away

not towards the solution

away

creating more problems

I started to feel motivated again just days after stopping.

I felt human

the sun came up in the morning and stayed throughout the day

I looked at it and felt so happy

a surge of happiness which didnt fade quickly

i looked into the sun and praised kek :)

and I believe in kek

I do

I am deluded in terms of the physical world

but I see the signs and I know that kek is real

and I’m so grateful

I am really thankful

thank you so much

but yeah

if I stop doing drugs

I start eating healthier

i dont rush and burn out my energy in one go but i just take it slow

do things in little bits

I think I can get somewhere in life

rome wasnt built in a day and im starting to accept that

im accepting that, although its possible, im not sacrificing all the happiness of my young years to feel like a success in the future

i can succeed without being a tycoon

I can choose to be happy in the present, have a stable future and not feel the pressure of trying to achieve superhuman feats

if youre reading this and youre not me, you might not really know where im coming from

these are things everyone can relate to but theres personal stuff involved and this is my journal for me to reflect on in futures

so i just give enough context for me

but yeah

didnt do codeine for a week

started to feel happy naturally

like real happiness which came from a proper place

not just endorphin replicating drugs

i had motivation again

it wasnt a shortlived, energy burst

just mild motivation

of course everything isnt perfect

a lot of things are not okay

i do get down

there has, is and will be hardships in my life and the lives of peoploe around me

but there are also happy moments

I felt a genuine balance again

my dads place has a long list of downsides

his girlfriend mainly

the posh, small village in the middle of nowhere

its so quiet. the sound of my phone vibrating on keypress seemed to be heard in other rooms

it was so quiet

and i couldnt get up before 9am because of his girlfriend

again, i know the context and I dont feel like tpying it all out

i was staying awake from 3am onwards until she went to work, then i could be up until she came back at 4:30

then its awkward around her

but kek has a presence there

there was sun

a lot of sun its nice

i dont feel unsafe in the streets there

the diet was healthy

i had happiness there

a real structure to my life

its clean

being in this flat

its so unclean

i realize thats a main reason i take drugs

long story but i cant take the trash out of my flat

my wheelie bin got stolen its a whole thing and the people on my street dont like me

there is ALWAYS people outside, in the alleys

i cant use someone elses bin because everyone here knows

so the trash stays here

hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

and i guess im running away from that problem

instead of towards a solution

im going back to my dads in a few days

away from that

but towards improving my health

ALSO

im seeing yung lean tomorrrow which is coo

#personal #drugs #health

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smolragematti · 8 years ago

Text

To the YOI fandom: Love on Ice controversy.

This is from the perspective of an tech/art student and someone who has to study film and do research.

Note: I dont normally get involved with this type of thing, even ship wars. But this is something I wanted to address because its popping up on FB, Instagram and Tumblr.

So… it has recently come to my attention that many people in the Yuri on Ice fandom are complaining and even attempting to boycott/petition to stop it/EVEN GOING SO FAR AS TO TELL KUBO TO SUE HALLMARK due to the announcement of a new direct to TV movie called Love On Ice.

My only answer to you is STOP.

Youre embarrassing yourselves.

Let me explain.

Yuri On Ice was in production for 4 years doing impressive amounts of research to truly appreciate ice skating in all its beauty. Their effort paid off with the beautiful series. With an anime that balanced both its romantic side and sports ice skating, gaining the praise of professional ice skaters like Johnny Weir.

THIS (love on ice) IS A FUCKING HALLMARK MOVIE. ITS NOT GOING TO BE ANYWHERE NEAR THE GREATNESS OF YURI ON ICE. IT IS A CHEESY CHICK FLICK THATS PROBABLY MORE FOCUSED ON THE ROMANCE THAN ICE SKATING.

DO YOU REALLY FEEL THREATENED BY LIKELY TO BE A FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT HALLMARK MOVIE?!? IT WONT EVEN COMPARE TO IT. IT WONT HAVE THE PRAISE OF ICE SKATERS INTERNATIONALLY NOR THE GIANT FANDOM YURI ON ICE HAS.

If youre still confused/angry or think it was stealing or need more than just a salty college student yelling, continue to read.

Movies take a long time to make. Brave took 3 years just to get her curly hair perfectly natural. Frozen was originally thought off back during WW2 but kept getting transfered and shelved because they couldnt make it work at the time. Studio Ghibli takes its time making movies and spending hard work and time to make its animated films. Even Steven Universe takes a year to make its episodes which are usually 11 minutes long. As does family guy and the simpsons. While the media entertainment seems like it can pop out whatever it wants, there are still layers of work that go into its production and the effort that team puts into it will show when the finished product is released (just look at straight to DVD sequels from Disney movies, theyre generally pretty bad. And this is from the power house known as Disney.)

I would believe it was stealing/plagiarism/violation of copyright if there was a bigger difference in time between the release of the movie and the anime but the actors and skaters still have to ice skate (if they even do that for more than 10 minutes). Movies take time (depending on budget, writing the script, storyboarding, designing, staff, actors, choreographers, editting, etc) and its going to be released soon (in january 2017). By the time YOI came out, this was more than likely in post production. After the script was finalized, after all the acting and shit was done and really all that needed to be finished was editting and special effects. So when would they have the time to find out about YOI and insidiously plot a revenge plan to take ice skating back from the homosexuals (as some believe). Its simple. They couldnt.

The people saying its copying the plot. No, its not. The coach student romantic relationship plot is nothing new. Like seriously. Its not revolutionary. YOI is special because executed the relationship in a natural fluid way while also providing a healthy LGBT relationship, something rarely portrayed in media, much less anime. Having someone get out of something they once loved only to find a renewed interest due to someone else’s interactions in their life isnt anything new either. Ice skating is also part of various others media enterment. So no, they arent stealing.

At this point. Its the execution that matters more that its basic premise.

If you think its bad, then dont fucking give it the time of day. Stop giving it your attention. This also means let it flop on its own. Dont go writing nasty reviews because youre butt hurt. Like i said above IT IS A FUCKING HALLMARK MOVIE. Let it fade into obscurity. I bet you couldnt even name 3 hallmark movies from memory without help.

Make your memes. Say something funny. But dont give your anger because then youre just giving it attention that youre arguing it doesnt deserve. Stop that pathetic petition. Not saying you cannot be mad, just that its not worth your anger.

Support Yuri on Ice, the studio responsible for the masterful series, its creators, animators, designers and their inspirations, and buy official merch. It being dubbed by funimation (regardless of you liking the dub or not) means it will be easier for the western fans to get their hands on some form of official merchandise. Make YOI art. Cosplay. And be glad we have a meaningful series rather than another queerbaiting show, anime no less.

#yuri on ice #love on ice #victuuri #victuri #yuuri katsuki #victor nikiforov #i know some people will be upset by me tagging it where i have #but people need to read this #and calm down

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very-cherry · 8 years ago

Note

Hey. Hi. Big fan. I don't watch half of the shows that you reblog, but your enthusiasm is quality. Um.. this is super personal, so I totally understand if you don't answer, but how did you realise you were nb?

omg im so sorry you have sat through my tags for this long, buddy you deserve better lmao. but no this is super okay to talk about, and ya its personal but im alright with it bc sometimes its nice to talk about?? like its a lot easier to explain over here rather than to my family (rip) but yeah i can get into it. um, itll be under the cut tho bc its a long answer, so if my other followers (or people who may get triggered) dont wanna read like ya theres that

the short answer: i realised last year, bc of everything that piled up and me finally finding the time to sit down and Think About It.

(tl;dr: at the bottom if youre not here for the Super Long answer)

the long answer: gender had never come easily to me as a kid, like i understood that girls played with dolls and that boys played with trucks. but i also was raised in a family where girls could play with trucks too, as long as they still looked like girls. so from the get go i had a v “tomboyish” look about me, and how i presented myself. i found i was v comfy with the tomboy label growing up, bc it meant i could play with the boys but still be sensitive and emotional while the boys werent allowed to feel like that

my biggest stepping stone tbh was (is) my mother. now if youve followed me for a while you probably know that while my mother loves me, and i suppose i love her (still up in the air), our relationship is v v v v Tense. this is due mostly to the fact that she has this preconceived notion of what the world looks like, and how people should act and present themselves. for her, to have me as a child saying “i wanna dress like a boy” “i wanna be a boy” was no biggie bc i was Just A Kid and would grow up to flourish into a beautiful young woman. which, for the most part, i did. but that doesnt mean i enjoyed it. from the age i was allowed to dress myself, my mother and i would fight about my clothing choices (and i literally mean fight. she would refuse to take me somewhere if i didnt dress the way she wanted. would throw my own clothes at me or on the road outside our house etc) and she would dub my clothes “too casual” and tell me to “dress up” and “look a bit more girly, please?” which i now know is totally Gross and not v nice, but at the time i didnt know any better, i hadnt grown into myself. this, alongside many years of condemnation in regards to my interests and hobbies and things i just enjoyed and wanted to talk about, just Didnt Add Up to my mother. she loved having two pretty daughters, pretty daughters who could wear dresses and live out the life she couldnt bc she fell pregnant with my older sister at 19, and thus had to grow up v quickly (no blame on my sister tho, shes my favourite person in the world and shes trying v hard to understand me and loves me v much)

fast forward a couple years: i was 15 when i first developed my eating disorder. quite frankly, it was only upon realising that im nb as to how i figured out what my ed was Actually About. i didnt like my curves. i didnt like being “girly”. i did constant misguided ab workouts and ate three rice cakes for lunch, followed by nothing but a banana until dinner. my sleep patterns were hit and miss bc i would either write away the pain or stay up wondering what this Thing i was feeling was (spoiler: it was dysphoria). i tried super hard to love my curves, to own myself and how i looked, but it never felt Right. i never understood. i would see my psychologist and ramble about my ed and she would pinpoint it and say it was curves and i would always just say “but its not”. bc it wasnt Just Curves, it was the idea as a whole. and it was v confusing and scary, so much like my exploration into my sexuality, i just put it off.

it was combating my ed that helped me most, i think. it was getting over it, and forcing myself back into a natural sleep pattern (so i could actually do year 12 without wrecking myself). i didnt get over it until around april 2016, which was when i fell in love with the idea of self love, and decided to give it a go. i listened to my psychologist, and she was v patient with me, and was cautious with where i placed my blame (”yes its your mothers fault for making you react and feel this way, her words hurt you. but youre the one that decides what to do with that negativity”) and it was so so so helpful. she taught me that i was deserving of love, and positivity, and that loving youself is a process, and it doesnt always work the way you want it to, but you need to find what makes you happy and keep doing that. for me, that tied into my food, my talents, my friends, and my actions. im not going to sit here and claim that fitness is key to happiness, but its part of whats key to mine (to the point that i have been inspired to become a personal trainer and teach other people that being “healthy” isnt just about food and exercise). each person has their own individual things that keep them balanced, and if yours is painting your nails instead of doing sit ups fucking go for it - just make sure you find that thing, because it gives you clarity.

my clarity hit me in the beginning of year 12, when i Sat Down and really had a think. i thought back to how i wanted to look growing up, how i wanted to act, i remembered the day i first had a proper bra bought for me instead of a crop top and the way i cried for hours that night without knowing why. i remember not wearing shirts to bed and then suddenly feeling awful when i started having to. i remembered trying to wear boxer shorts and nothing else around the house and being yelled at. i remembered telling my dad i wanted to look how he did when he was 18, and yelling at him when he said “but dont you want to be pretty like your mum”. i remembered my sister cutting my hair in the dead of night in her bedroom, bc i didnt want to look the way i did. i remembered wearing all these oversized clothes to hide my chest. being uncomfortable when anyone (family or stranger) would say “lady”, “girl”, “miss”, “female”. shrinking into myself when someone pointed out my curves. looking in thw mirror and only smiling when my hands were covering and pushing my chest. looking at the scale and not seeing anything other than a number that meant i was stuck being curved. refusing to go swimming bc it meant having to wear a bikini instead of just board shorts. wanting to play on the mens basketball team, wearing mens clothes, being mad when i suddenly couldnt wear them anymore. overcompensating by wearing midriffs and muscle shirts and short shorts and lacy underwear to impress my boyfriend(s) bc i was their GIRLfriend and this is what I Needed To Do. wearing clothes around my first girlfriend that i was really comfortable in, and her telling me that im still nb even if i have to wear a bra for now, and that she wouldnt ever take my shirt off or act as if my chest ever existed if thats what would keep me comfortable, and me nearly crying bc of how validating and overwhelming it was.

it all hit me at once, and i was struck with the blatant honesty of what this had been all along. id ignored it and shoved it down bc i didnt want to upset my mother, disappoint her. i didnt want to be what she never wanted. but then i remembered that i am deserving of love, even if its only ever from myself.

so i told my best friend, and she was so wonderful with it, and she asked what pronouns i wanted to use from now on, and she helped me ease into shopping for clothes. and i bought a binder, and it fits v well and i fucking love it. and i told my other friends, and all the ones who matter are v supportive and beautiful (one even offered to make me a suit). and i told my two favourite cousins, and my sister, and they make sure to text me that i should stretch when i wear my binder, or to take deep breaths in case i forget to and its v homey and nice and they want me to be happy. and i blurted it out to my mother and she fucking hates it, and shes threatened to “burn” my binder if she ever sees it, to “rip it off [my] body” if i ever wear it in front of her, that she wants “nothing to do with It” and that “its a fucked up idea” someone has “put into my head”. but you know what? thats okay, bc i Know who i am now. and sometimes things dont always go how you want, and sometimes the people who love you most cant love all of you, and i want you guys to know that if that ever happens, youre not obligated to love them back, okay? love yourself, love those who love All Of You.

tl;dr: years of dysphoria piled onto me when i had a hot ten minutes to fully think about it in between classes.

#replies #about #tw: emotional abuse #tw: eating disorder #im so sorry about how long this is #im sorry if it didnt answer the question the way you wanted it to #tbh im v thankful you asked this question bc its v cathartic to answer #and its so much easier to be honest to an anon #(or just someone who wont judge in general)#if you (or anyone else who read) want to personally hmu feel free to message me its totally a-okay #Anonymous

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tripile · 6 years ago

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A Winter CSF Leak Update

I’ve received many very similar emails and DMs during the last few days.

“Jodi…?” the messages start out. “I don’t want to bother you but it has been a long time since you posted, and I’m really starting to worry.”

“Jodi: blink twice if you’re ok?”

“Jodi, here is a llama walking into an optometrist’s office in France. I thought of you! Also, ARE YOU OK?”

In a world of easy access to people’s inboxes, readers have only been a pleasure, a virtual cloud of warmth and never a burden. And when so many of you ping at once, I know I am due for an update. In this slow bedrest state, life feels like a woozy Groundhog Day. I love the filaments that connect me to so many of you, reminding me not to lose track of time entirely. I am so humbled by your care.

***

When I was a kid, my mother said my first word was a word. Instead of continuing along those lines, apparently the next thing I started said was a sentence, “see car go by.”

“And then,” my family jokes, “she never stopped talking!”

Being at a loss for words is not a problem I normally have. But yes, I have been very lax at updating because it’s been hard to find words for what I’m feeling.

A Leaky Anniversary

January 26 was the one year anniversary of the patch that sealed me last year. I had a really rough and heart-wrenching time reckoning with where I am on this anniversary. Instead of scaffolding off the slow and arduous recovery that followed the anaphylaxis and procedure, I am in bed.

Again.

For many months.

If you’re just tuning in, the CSF leak that sealed up and was healing reopened because I sat on the ground. Gingerly. Not even enthusiastically. I went from 4-5km walks a day, to no walking in record time.

At first, I was in extreme denial that something so small, so inhibited could blow out the scar tissue that had months to form. But one by one, each symptom I had in 2017 came back. I keep detailed daily logs of every symptom, supplement or mediation, and food. I couldn’t deny what I was experiencing.

Then, the grief. The anger. The deep sadness, the kind that suffocates all hope.

We learn about the “stages of grief” in popular culture, but what happens when they just cycle over and over? When you think you’ve come out the other side and can breathe again, when you tilt your face up at a brighter-than-you-remembered sun, only to find that you’re back in the dark?

***

My body, when I releaked, was in far better shape than the initial leak in 2017. Labs last summer showed improvements and lower inflammatory markers. I tried to stay positive. My friends and family came to visit. My inbox overflowed with llama photos.

As fall turned to winter, I saw some wonderful improvements. I stopped having the “brain sag” of my brain smushing into my spine due to low pressure. I moved into “high pressure” again, which is usually a symptom of the leak starting to seal over — the extra CSF produced while leaking backs up against the hole now tentatively closed. I started on the meds to lower intracranial pressure to prevent the fragile seal from bursting due to pressure. I felt cautiously optimistic.

And then a few weeks later in mid-December, I had an awful nightmare in my sleep. I remember it perfectly. And I also remember what woke me up: the excruciating pain in my back.

After an epidural blood patch to seal a CSF leak, the discharge instructions note that there’s to be no bending, lifting, or twisting for many weeks, but also that coughing or sneezing can blow out the patch due to intrathecal pressure. Many fellow leakers have blown out their patches — a clot or glue covering the leak temporarily while your own body can heal with scar tissue underneath — from constipation (pushing), sneezing, coughing, laughing.

Suspend your humanness while you can, the unsaid instructions whisper. Don’t do anything that can compromise this seal.

In my case, this nightmare I had blew out the seal and I was back to square one.

The Roller-Coaster of Ups and Downs

It is difficult for me to express the crazy-making nature of this condition.

No imaging sensitive enough to show a leak in many cases, including where it is located in the spine. Many people are chronically misdiagnosed because their imaging is normal. Normal imaging, the leak experts have learned, does not exclude a leak.

So the best way to know if you are leaking is via your symptoms, which only exacerbates your anxiety about what may or may not be happening in your body. It is a very tough, very exhausting dance to undertake. I have struggled the most with this balance of attempting to stay in touch with my body while also uncurling my clenched hands from the eventual outcome. Science tells us that focusing ad nauseum on our pain can magnify it in our minds, hence the usefulness of mindfulness and other meditation.

When your condition requires a focus on pain, and you also know you need to stay equanimous to heal effectively? That is a total mindfuck.

***

In mid-December, a close family member took a turn for the very worse. The funeral was around Christmas. I was too unwell to attend. Combined with the Re-Re-leak, I spiralled pretty solidly into a very bleak place.

If I’ve learned anything in this madness, it’s that staying in the black hole of despair is not how you heal. With the crutches of visits and calls from close friends, someone to talk with who specializes in grief, and the tools I’ve drawn on at the worst of times, I was able to wrench myself to a better place.

But still, I am not sealed and healed.

***

I put off Duke when I re-leaked because of what happened during the last round of patching. There is a lesson about anxiety in that procedure too: in my most creative of nightmares, I never imagined anaphylaxis as part of what could go wrong.

But it did, and while they will not use fibrin glue again (suspecting that was the cause for anaphylaxis), I’ve written about how my body seems to be stuck in that very reactive, anaphylax-y place. My mast cells degranulated all over the place and LOVED it. They seem to enjoy doing so again and again since, not only to foods but also smells – and even hot showers.

Given how pear-shaped things went last time, I wanted to give my body a long chance to seal before committing to another procedure. When I did seemingly seal up in November, I was so thrilled. It didn’t (and doesn’t) matter to me if it takes a long time, though my parents have the patience of saints. If slow and steady was the way, I was ok with that as long as I sealed up.

I will be honest: my turbulent December and January have tested the limits of my capacity for grace and patience and hope. I have been on bedrest for quite a few months. While I’m not bored, the pain levels are pretty unconscionable and keeping my spirit up has been a mighty challenge.

From my own calculus: if I do need to go back to Duke, I want to know I gave my body a full shot.

That way, if – IF – things go awry again during a procedure, I won’t be able to look back and say, “should have given it a bit more time.”

***

So where are we now? It’s February, and almost at my favourite holiday in the world: Vietnamese lunar new year or Tet. An amazing reader named Wendy just sent me a pic of lamp in my name from her family’s temple in Malaysia, a New Year wish of health and prosperity. Lunar new year was a time for reflection and cleaning and cleansing for my years in Asia, and I’ve kept that spirit during my return to Mexico and Canada. New Year starts in a few days, and with it I hope a better climate for healing.

I have seen such progress since the re-leak, progress I didn’t see when first in bed in 2017. I keep flipping into high pressure as it starts to seal, then unsealing. It may be that I need intervention after all, but I still have hope that the JodiDura-that-could comes through this winter. I’m eating a strict and healthy diet, meditating, visualizing, consistently working to bring my mind into a better space.

If I can’t seal during the winter, it certainly won’t be because I didn’t try.

Learning to be the Tortoise

There once was a speedy hare who bragged about how fast he could run. Tired of hearing him boast, Slow and Steady, the tortoise, challenged him to a race. All the animals in the forest gathered to watch. Hare ran down the road for a while and then and paused to rest. He looked back at Slow and Steady and cried out, “How do you expect to win this race when you are walking along at your slow, slow pace?” Hare stretched himself out alongside the road and fell asleep, thinking, “There is plenty of time to relax.” Slow and Steady walked and walked. He never, ever stopped until he came to the finish line. The animals who were watching cheered so loudly for Tortoise, they woke up Hare. Hare stretched and yawned and began to run again, but it was too late. Tortoise was over the line. After that, Hare always reminded himself, “Don’t brag about your lightning pace, for Slow and Steady won the race!”

The moral lesson of the Aesop’s “Tortoise and the Hare” fable is that sometimes you can be more successful by doing things slowly and steadily than by rash action. The race (of life) isn’t necessarily won by the fastest or strongest animal, but by those who persist in the face of obstacles – including the obstacle of time.

I undertook my life in the stubborn spirit of the hare.

I went to law school straight from grade 13 (CEGEP, in Quebec) because someone bet me I couldn’t get in. I took a job in NYC because on my first day of law school, someone said, “you don’t deserve to be here. Go back to high school where you belong. And don’t bother getting a job in New York City – you’ll never succeed.” When I quit my law job, it wasn’t for a two month trip, it was for an open jaw adventure to Siberia that unfurled into a glorious and food-filled new career.

My identity for years was the lawyer who quit her job to eat soup. As I’ve laid in bed on and off since 2017, I’ve watched the travel industry and my fellow writers move on with their lives. Mine feels very stuck. I am very unused to not being able to solve problems by DOING, and it is a monumental shift in my mindset. Above and beyond the leak, my health will require a different way of approaching work.

Apparently it’s time to be the tortoise.

Tortoise pic from one of the first adventures in my round-the-world trip: the Galapagos Islands in Ecuador

I’m still feeling around the edges of what that means for me. Sealing and healing will require me to change a lot about how I approach work and achievement, because excessive doing is a surefire way to undo my progress. There’s a lot here I hope to write about in the future, about learning to get under your mind and into your heart.

About listening to your body before it’s too late.

About not necessarily taking every bet that comes your way as a life challenge.

For now, though, I don’t know what I will redefine life “as.” I trust that it will unfold in its own way. While mourning the life I had, I also feel curious about what comes next.

But first: this leak in my spine needs to be firmly sealed for me to get walking again.

***

Thank you all as always for the caring notes, the questions, and the overwhelming support and love. I am extraordinarily lucky to have such a robust army of cheerleaders around the world.

Many of you have dedicated your meditation practices to my health, and for that I am grateful. I do plan to restart the group meditations next week, on Sunday February 10th. If you are interested in joining, the first 7 weeks are here, and you can enjoy any of the meditations as the tracks are all on that post.

I have been meditating alone here, but with all that unfolded I couldn’t manage the group ones during the holidays. I appreciate how many emails I’ve received asking when they’ll restart, and I am so glad many of you find them helpful and a source of light.

I haven’t written publicly in a long time, but typing this post out with my thumbs felt very good. I missed it. And though I would still be writing if no one was reading, I’m glad to go through this very tough journey with a community like you to help make things better along the way.

Jodi

The post A Winter CSF Leak Update appeared first on Legal Nomads.

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colinisx63111433-blog · 7 years ago

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He Intends to Produce You Happy But You have actually Reached Inform Him How!

Learning to improve our contentment degrees demands the very same dedication, vision and devotion to rep as building any skill - make exercising these brand-new habits less complicated by reducing your protection. From all the enchanting quotes to obey I have actually stumbled upon, this has actually been actually one of the most strong. Our team have actually looked into physical exercise comprehensive in the past, and also took a look at just what this does to our brains, like releasing healthy proteins and endorphins that make our company feel better, as you can easily view in the image listed below. I like you As well as this's not given that you make me delighted, certainly not due to the fact that you create me feel special, nor considering that you are actually the sweetest person ever ... but considering that I only adore you. While there are actually undoubtedly points that happen in your lifestyle that make you believe either satisfied or even troubled, the reality is actually that these encounters happen as well as they go. The far better equipped you come to be at handling the celebrations that create you emphasize the less impact that will carry your health and wellness and also joy. In fact, I will mention that a few of these passion quotes have a lot from energy that they may also revive a dead relationship if you utter these quotes to your affection. To create it that little additional special, make some notes in this, birthdays and tips. By being positive and focused on delighted thoughts, your good outlook usuallies entice people to you. These could contain some excellent books to read through as well as bags that she can make good use of. Permit me to present to you my favorite 10 fantastic Lovely Life quotes as well as clatter your day up. Below is a Wellness Target Example: It is actually June 1st 2010 as well as I am so delighted once I have actually accomplished my target objective weight of 75kg. A buffet supper with sparkling silver chafing dishes for the meals could likewise create a 75th special day celebration a lot more classy. Our experts possess a selection about what to accomplish about this. Thus, cease knock, take, knockin' on the saddening girl's door and also decide to be happy about your connection and your lifestyle. I am actually mosting likely to bring in a reoccuring visit in my duty supervisor to plan a trip monthly - even if I don't have one that often. It is actually the usual, everyday instants from happiness that typically outrun our team. One technique to transform this is by coming to be deliberately knowledgeable about when our team're rejoicing within the day. 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Find, those might be comical but performing those points create me delighted ... therefore opt for't lose time on negative thought and feelings. Dropping a boob really did not create her any a lot less wonderful or excellent in my eyes, I just desired her satisfied. If you liked this article and you simply would like to acquire more info regarding yellow pages advertising (rulesfor2017new.info) kindly visit our web site. Abraham Lincoln said: The majority of people are about as satisfied as they compose their minds to become." That's really certainly not a great deal exactly what occurs to us in lifestyle, but just how we react to those happenings. And also I cannot stress to you sufficient that relationship is actually incredibly significant and you need to create the ideal assortment from a long term partner. Our experts are going to substitute your cars and truck with a brand-new one of the very same make version and specification if your car is actually harmed past economical repair work or even swiped as well as certainly not recovered and also you acquired your auto from new within recent 12 months. If you cease trying to acquire him back as well as produce him assume you do not wish him any longer, it is going to accelerate points up. Your intellect knows that product traits do not make you delighted if you are actually like me. A person special is about to have a special day as well as you are actually trying to find merely the best phrases to utilize for this happy celebration. You might also employ a popular music group that might participate in live standard tracks throughout the whole entire night for an even more stylish celebration. To add fuel to the fire, Koshka began to make the coughing sound that was his variation of a stubborn belly laugh. Don't worry, we are actually certainly not visiting suggest that you create chick soup a staple in your diet regimen to possess a really good marriage. In some cases partners continuously inform the various other exactly what they require or really want to experience loved, valued, and also vital, and also the partner will definitely create some short tries to comply. I have been actually around the globe in lots of magic conventions and observed a great deal of great artists as well as sleight of hand performers, yet the significant question stays; why do some make a living performing this craft, and other do not. There are actually individuals at age 25 that have actually been througn true challenges ... like cancer or even car crashes where they are paralyzed. and you had it all you have your appearances and couldnt be happy. They count on their loved ones to verify the choices they make in life. But just before you leap ship, particularly in struggling times, be actually particular you have great, audio explanations for desiring to create a modification. When you think about living a pleased life along with everything that can easily create you satisfied - meals is actually the very first thing that pertains to your thoughts. Below are 18 of my favorite hilarious companionship quotes to show to those you adore. You can easily promote others, love others, also encourage others, yet when this is all claimed as well as done, they will always make their very own selection whether you permit of that or otherwise. Make certain That He Isn't Merely Hearing Your Criticize Him: As a person which has gotten on the opposite side this discussion, I can easily tell you that when you listen to these phrases, that could seem like an attack and it can easily believe as if you should defend on your own. When you value just how your partner feels, he is actually expecteded to be a lot more completely satisfied in the marital relationship, which consequently is going to make him delighted. Acting like you can prosper fine without him will certainly make your ex partner desire you so much, he is going to tell you exactly how sorry he is and also beg you to have him back. Moring than happy stitching, creating Needle Produced a brand-new Shirt/Blouse one-of-a-kind fascinating, may additionally be actually inducing you so much fulfillment, deciding on colours to contribute to appearance. That took me nearly forty 8 years to eventually discover I may be satisfied and also favorable as well as not experience bad or even ashamed from it. For me, there is actually no going back to the dark side. I was an obsessive eater that was actually aiming to cover this up and also balance this weight-wise in every and any sort of method that I could possibly by compulsively weight loss or bingeing and also purging yet when that came down to this, I was actually addicted to food items. Invest at the very least 10 mins a day keeping in mind a time when you mored than happy and also re-live those emotions inside you.

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wp-yahoo-style-1042-yahoopa-blog · 7 years ago

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Plus-size model who gained weight: 'There may be 'more' of me now, but there is also more happiness'

(Photo: Instagram/alyssaalexander_88)

Plus-size model Alyssa Alexander spent most of her life trying to lose weight. She constantly stressed about the way she looked, calorie-counting, stepping on and off the scale, checking the size of her her clothes. She was trying to mirror what she thought society required for her to be called beautiful. But that was her then — she is different now.

In a recent post, the 29-year-old shared with her nearly 20,000 Instagram followers a before-and-after transformation photo. However, it was not a weight loss but a weight gain transformation, and she couldn’t be happier.

No, this isnt what you think it is. This is not a weight loss transformation picture, but a transformation to happiness picture. . . While some people may prefer the girl on the left, I do not. I am not that girl on the left anymore. That girl was miserable with herself. That girl who was conditioned to think she was fat and couldnt wear that bathing suit in public. That girl that constantly restricted herself, who counted every calorie and ran 5 miles a day and spent hours upon hours in the gym because she was scared her boyfriend wouldn't love her if she gained a pound. The girl that was so insecure with herself and had a horrible relationship with herself and with food. That girl had constant anxiety about trying to be this perfect person for others. That girl that punished herself for eating certain things or missing a day at the gym. . . The girl on the right is much more happier and confident in herself. She works out and eats healthy because she loves her body and what it does for her, not because she hates it or wants to change it for others. She has balance. . . I listen to my body now and give it what it needs to be healthy and happy. Not what I think others or society deems acceptable or beautiful. . . Everyone thinks that once you lose "x" amount of weight you will be happy, when the truth is, for some of us, that transformation to happiness is just the opposite. Everytime that girl on the left would lose weight or hit that "goal weight" her happiness wouldnt change. She was still miserable and unhappy with herself. There may be "more" of me now, but there is also more happiness in me than that girl on the left. . . So go ahead and eat all the foods tomorrow and be happy #thankful . FYI- the tattoo on the left was henna on Spring Break . #instagood #photooftheday #plusmodel #OwnYourCurves #curvygirl #girlswithcurves #celebratemysize #bodypositive #bodyconfidence #loveyourbody #healthyatanysize #ThisBody #thesecurves #happiness #beautybeyondsize #Bodypositivity #curves #happy

A post shared by Alyssa Alexander (@alyssaalexander_88) on Nov 22, 2017 at 12:23pm PST

The Kentucky native tells Yahoo Lifestyle on what inspired her to share the transformation photo. “I see many women daily struggling with their body image and themselves and their happiness in general,” she says. “I realize that while there may be more of me now, there is also more happiness that no amount of weight loss could make up for. I wanted to show that you can still be a healthy, happy person even if you are plus size or may have a little extra fat or curves on you. It’s not something to be ashamed of or hide.”

"Sun kissed skin so hot we'll melt your popsicle" ☉ . . @lovelyinla @seaangelswim . . #instagood #photooftheday #plusmodel #seaangelswim #swimsuit #swimwear #curvygirl #malibu #malibubeach #sun #OwnYourCurves #targetstyle #targetfinds #targetplus #target #celebratemysize #plusmodelmag #OwnYourCurves #curvygirl #girlswithcurves #sunset #siswim #curvesahead #confidence #bodypositive #beautybeyondsize #effyourbeautystandards #ThickThighsSaveLives #unretouched #unedited #siswim #tgif #friyay

A post shared by Alyssa Alexander (@alyssaalexander_88) on Oct 27, 2017 at 9:00am PDT

"The waves of the sea, help me get back to me" . @lovelyinla @seaangelswim . #instagood #photooftheday #plusmodel #seaangelswim #swimsuit #swimwear #curvygirl #losangeles #malibu #malibubeach #sun #OwnYourCurves #targetstyle #targetfinds #targetplus #target #celebratemysize #plusmodelmag #OwnYourCurves #curvygirl #girlswithcurves #sunset #siswim #curvesahead #confidence #bodypositive #beautybeyondsize #effyourbeautystandards #ThickThighsSaveLives #unretouched #unedited #wcw

A post shared by Alyssa Alexander (@alyssaalexander_88) on Nov 15, 2017 at 11:18am PST

In the “before” photo, Alexanders says while she was striving in her physical health and fitness, her mental health was struggling, “the effect that eating disorders and body dysmorphia have on a person’s mental health can be just as bad as your physical health,” she says.

The model thought that the only way she could achieve happiness was if she hit that goal weight or transformed her body into something she thought her then-boyfriend wanted, or that society deemed beautiful and acceptable. “We’ve been conditioned to think that smaller is always better … in reality, its whatever makes you happier is better,” she says.

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A post shared by Alyssa Alexander (@alyssaalexander_88) on Oct 18, 2017 at 4:34pm PDT

Alexander was able to let go of the negative drive towards “perfection” and began the journey to self-love. Her journey led her to become a plus-sized model. She also works full time at the Kentucky Horse Park, bartends at a painting studio, and frequently travels to Los Angeles and New York City for modeling.

She wants to clarify, however, that despite her weight gain she is healthy, working out regularly and has a balanced diet and is, in no way, promoting obesity. “You can have fat and be happy and healthy. Fat does not automatically mean lazy, unhealthy, or worst of all, a personal failure,” she says.

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A post shared by Alyssa Alexander (@alyssaalexander_88) on Nov 21, 2017 at 8:18pm PST

On what she wants others that are struggling with self-love to know, she says, “You shouldn’t have to live every day hating yourself or wanting to change yourself. I wasted so much precious time being unhappy with myself, trying to change my body.

“I see now the progress I have made in not only my body image but my overall happiness by not letting those numbers define my worth that I want to help others find that peace within themselves as well.”

And by sharing her journey publicly, she is doing just that.