#i do my best to deal with it accordingly and keep the company of people who dont give me reasons to be distrustful or put me in situations

[nahalism]

Hey 💌💌

I come to you with a question, in a bit of a desperate state. I have big problems with being jealous, paranoid. Especially in romantic relationships but it doesn’t always stop there. What do you think causes a person to be like this? Did you ever struggle with being like this? How can one even begin to unravel it, i wonder if it’s possible to be a human and just…not feel jealousy or is it part of the experience we can’t fully avoid?

(For some background:I have always been a jealous person but my life experience probably blew it to a larger proportion. The thing is i know most things rely on communication but the problem is ive spent a few years in a relationship that i thought had good communication, it turned out i was living in pretty much a constant lie for a few years. It made me realize pretty brutally that no matter how much you are made to feel and think one thing, if the other person is smart enough they can really hide anything from you for an extended period of time all the while giving you the illusion of being heard, seen, loved, cared for. How can i know the communication isnt falling on a rotten bed of lies over and over? How can i trust blindly, when i hear we have to come with an open heart and give each person the benefit of the doubt and full plate of trust from the get go for a relationship to work it feels like a death sentence, its just a matter of when and how. Sometimes i wonder if there is even a way out of it at all.)

hello angelll <3. sooo i actually dont think it has to do with communication in this instance. you can only communicate with clarity when you have clarity on a situation. someone triggered is communicating, but often communicates irrationally or in a way that inflames the issue. lets say a person is avoidant and their partner is co-dependant. the more the co-dependant person communicates, the more they push the avoidant person into silence and exacerbate the issue. im not saying its right, but that intentional communication requires skill, being emotionally regulated, and is deeper than being honest and speaking with good intentions. to communicate well, you have to know who your speaking to, and how to deliver what you wish to communicate. of course this is important, but i think its secondary in comparison to the main issue –> i really do believe whenever anything external has power over a person and their emotions it is rooted in the individuals feelings of self esteem and self worth. ultimately we tend to be attracted toward the familiar or what is comfortable. its why people who are perpetually in toxic relationships find 'good' guys or women to be unattractive or describe 'not having a spark' with them. its also why also why people tend to gravitate toward or find that spark with people who trigger or enhance their pre existing disposition toward things they don't no longer want to experience. for example, someone who doesn't want to be cheated on isn't looking for a cheat, but something in them is drawn toward the type of character who will do this and reinforce their habits or beliefs about relationship. so the answer to how to end that cycle is two fold.

1) you have a habit of acting out jealousy and paranoia in relationships. look at your relationship with your primary care givers and your first experience that blew those feelings of jealousy and paranoia out of proportion, then study them. understand the root of those emotions (usually insecurity, feelings of inadequacy, and comparison of yourself to others, particularly people who are important or close to the person whose affection you want).

2) once you understand the root of the emotion, look at what you can do to solve it. how can you meet your own needs? how can you build a sense of self that leads you to feel comfortable and confident in what you have to offer and bring to the table? once you find the answer to this, begin to practice it. meet that need on your own. by doing this you evolve, and begin to expect more and better from both yourself and others. this changes who and what you find attractive, thus reducing the chance that your next partner is someone with the traits of a person who will trigger your jealousy and paranoia. – if you do the work properly, and develop (or work toward developing) a secure attachment style, it will help ensure that the person you are next drawn and attracted to also practices a secure attachment style. them being securely attached is invaluable, because it's inevitable that you will still experience moments of insecurity, jealousy, comparison, and distrust. someone with a secure attachment style will allow you to have those moments without inflating the issue, or giving you reason to be disproportionately triggered. however, they won't accept maltreatment which is good because their healthy boundaries will also hold you accountable. the more you engage in healthy relationships the more you rewire your pre-existing blueprint and feel safe enough to release those harmful traits.

its really important to get the root issue handled before trying to solve things with communication or whatever other solution. because those are the things that will ensure you find yourself in situations with trustworthy people that allow you to feel safe enough to be yourself. there is always the possibility that our own vices can begin to break people down and devolve into a form of self fulfilling prophecy. for example, someone suspects their partner of infidelity. the partner is faithful, however after years of defending themselves from their person 1's suspicions may begin to resent their partners accusations, and find themselves looking else where or experiencing attraction to other people. even though they never act on these feelings (never cheat), the lack of trust and persistent insecurity is what creates the room for the partner to grow distant. when the partner now tells them 'hey i dont want to do this any more' and two weeks later is in a new relationship, the person with those insecurities now projects this onto them and says 'see, i always knew you would cheat/move on/i wasn't enough', when that was never the case, just a consequence of the way they treated the person who has now moved on.

there will always be someone more beautiful, more attractive, more *insert desirable quality*. you have to love you, see you, and know why you are worth sticking around for. if you dont have this inner stability, you will always find external chaos, and be looking around you for who else can take your spot. the truth is any and everyone can take your spot, but no one can fill it the way you do. so focus on filling it, and loving yours. whoever is for you is for you. you won't have to fight for them, and it may not always be easy, but will it will always feel safe and feel peaceful. – sending you much love, courage, and discernment to work through this <3

[oldhalloweentape]

🪨Venture (OW II) x (gn) reader ⛏️

(Incapacitated Reader Edition!)

CW: Mention of puking!

(Picture’s not mine!)

(Request here! Hey guys, I know this request was simple enough but uh… On top of experiencing rather life changing things, I’m a professional procrastinator. But! I seriously needed to do something to get my head out of the hazy place it’s been the last few weeks. So. Hope you enjoy this guys :])

- So in a particular scenario where you guys go to some party and you leave high or drunk, to the point where you might stumble into things Venture’s quick to help you get steady and get you home.

- If you want something, you’ll get it, food, drinks, you name it’s going to be given to you post haste with a head kiss or two.

- Though I can imagine them being so set on making sure they do right by you they might fumble a bit, like cutting you up some watermelon only to realize you already had some cut up in a bowl in your fridge.

- Just so harmless and well meaning but they get it most of the time to the point where you feel safe to get drunk/high.

- They’re just one of the best people in Overwatch to trust to keep you company and care for you.

- When you voice or show them you’re high/drunk to a degree they keep an eye on you, especially during the party, can’t be too safe you know?

- Too out of it to walk around? Can and will pick you up while saying something like “Don’t worry mi vida you don’t have to move a muscle while I’m here! :D”

- I think they’re very keen to show themselves to be competent when it comes to caring for you because they know it takes a lot of trust, even if you don’t think so.

- They know that you would do the same for them, so, why not?

- Would definitely let you sleep against them, on the bed, couch, or even when they’re driving you home.

- As silly as they may be your safety is main priority, especially when you’re in a vulnerable state like that.

- If you get to the point where puking is going to happen more than once (if you’re drunk) they’ll make sure you have some bucket with you if you’re too far away from the toilet, holding your hair back gently with one hand and rubbing the side of your head to comfort you as you hurl.

- Helps you with rubbing away any remaining vomit from your face and brushing your teeth to get that nasty taste out of your mouth afterwards.

- If you’re overly hungry (if you’re high) they definitely get you what you want and beyond, you will probably eat the kitchen out and they wouldn’t have it any other way.

- Even if you ask for weird shit like cheese doodles dipped in pickle juice they’ll get it for you, but will definitely bring it up later when you’re sober to tease you.

- Will also you tease you if you happen to knock against the walls/furniture before making sure you were ok because… Let’s be honest it gave them a small heart attack when they heard the big ass bang while trying to get you some ice cream.

- Watching a movie or two if you don’t pass out right when you guys get home is a must, makes joke after joke about it to you if you’re easily amused in that state.

- They love making you laugh, and if you compliment them with a slurred yet sweet voice it makes them snort and laugh softly before they reciprocate.

- When you inevitably start getting groggy it doesn’t take them long to figure it out and deal with it accordingly, helping you into your comfortable pajamas and easing through your night routine.

- Everything ends with them sending you to bed and cuddling with you till you pass out, with them following soon after.

(Alright!! Done!!!! Hope y’all like this, love you all!)

[longsightmyth]

I know this isn't your usual stuff you post about, but I have a friend coming to visit me next year and they'll need to stay in a hotel. Do you have any tips or advice for when the best time to book or get the best deal?

The best time is going to be variable, but it's best to start looking early (IN INCOGNITO MODE)(ON THE ACTUAL HOTEL SITES OR APPS) and keep comparing. Jump if you see a special or something. Generally you'll get better prices earlier, but they can also be nonrefundable so be sure to triple check. If you DO make a nonrefundable reservation and suddenly can't make it, do not despair: that's where NOT BOOKING THROUGH THIRD PARTY SITES comes in. See below.

Incognito: because many sites will notice you are looking at the same flights/stays and start upping the prices accordingly. I didn't actually learn that through my job but through my degree. Not every site/company does this, but it's worth being careful about.

On the actual hotel sites or apps: it is tempting to look through third party apps like expedia or priceline or their many subsidiaries because they appear to have cheaper prices. Sometimes they even do! But if you have trouble at a hotel or want to adjust dates or make special requests or ask about better prices, you WILL be shit out of luck. At a property level third party reservations are stuck. We don't have YOUR money so we can't return it (9/10, you pay the third party. Then they give us THEIR virtual card. We can't even give you a receipt, because we don't have your card or your money), and except in some very specific circumstances you don't get credit with any memberships you have. We can't adjust your reservation for the same reason, so if you have to cancel after the cut off date you are Out Of Luck. If you've made your reservation directly through a hotel's specific site/reservation line and contact the property directly and are polite you will usually find a clerk willing to at least check if, say, triple A or student or hospital discounts are available. As humans we can and often do take 'oh shit there's a hurricane and people can't travel' or 'death in the family' etc as reasonable explanations for cancelling after the cut off date, and generally someone on property will be a compassionate human and manually change the charge to $0 or something, which, say it with me: We Cannot Do If The Reservation Is Booked Through A Third Party Site (or I suppose in theory we could 0 it out, but that would only benefit the third party site and not you).

Also I really do suggest joining a rewards program or three. They are almost always free to join, you can make sure your info is on there for easier reserving, there are member-specific discounts (not always large, but even ten bucks counts, right?) and most brands are willing to go to some extra effort for members. I do NOT suggest saving your credit card to this rewards profile: while database security is pretty good these days and most places DO fire anyone found giving ANY guest info out, the starwood breach a few years ago made me wary and this will ALSO prevent someone from fraudulently using your rewards account/credit card to check in via mobile, which is where most fraud happens these days. One weekend I caught seven people. It was A Time.

I hope this was helpful to you, even if it got really long.

[lazaruspiss]

Historic Gotham: Part Three

Tricorner Armory: The Tricorner Armory was built and used by the Hamilton family for generations as a supply depot for their armaments business. The heir to the family fortune - Catherine Kane (née Hamilton) - inherited the business, which boomed under her guidance. Her husband, Jacob Kane, also used the armory for a time to store equipment while Kane Tower was being renovated. The armory was emptied out when Catherine Kane became police commissioner. Some of the gangs tried to hijack the transport trucks, but the Kanes had hired a very competent security team. Since then, the building has been used by many of Gotham's criminals to conduct illegal deals away from prying eyes.

One of the first deals I ever stopped was at the armory. According to GCPD records, it was about two million dollars' worth of weapons. Not bad for a day's work! - T. D.

GCPD Central: This is the central precinct of the Gotham City Police Department. It houses the detective division -- where Renee Montoya works -- central patrol and allows pre-trial holding for the Gotham City Courthouse. The Bat-Signal used to sit on the rooftop of the building but it was taken down when Catherine Kane became the new police commissioner. Many of the vents and windows I used to sneak in through have been blocked or shut closed, which makes accessing the building much more difficult. Unfortunately, since Jim Gordon's death, corruption seems to have risen in the ranks. One of the main reasons for this was the creation of the Major Crimes Unit, an armored task force dedicated to stopping vigilantes and criminals alike. Officers in this division often abuse their power and are known to take bribes. It's safe to say that cooperation between vigilantes and the GCPD is now officially at an end.

James Gordon Memorial: Originally, this was the Gotham City Police Memorial, where the Wall of Honor and the eternal flame were installed in the 1970s. The plaza was expanded two years ago to add a memorial for commissioner James Gordon, after his death in the line of duty, and the memorial was renamed accordingly. Engraved on the front of the statue is a quote from Jim, reading: "Gotham has called, and we have answered. And we will never abandon her." Even though it's been two years since he passed, the people haven't abandoned Jim either. They still bring flowers to the memorial regularly. Gotham City will be forever in your debt, my friend, and we'll do our best to keep her safe.

You may be gone, dad, but I know you're still watching over me and the city you loved so much. I miss you. - B. G.

Powers Club: Named after the Powers Brothers banking family, the Powers Club occupies the mansion and former residence of the late Gloria Powers. The Powers estate was built in 1864 and has seen many renovations, like the addition of an aviary. Following Gloria's death in 1973, the house was left abandoned for many years, until the stock market boom of the 1980s. The mansion was then transformed into a private-members club that strictly caters to Gotham's elite and is protected by a private security firm. I've attended a few soirees myself, but they always left me feeling nauseated. Perhaps the overabundant taxidermy just got to me. I haven't returned to the Powers Club for a few years now, but I suspect many backroom deals are still being made within the walls of the manor.

Martha Wayne Foundation: The Martha Wayne Foundation was created by my mother a few years before her death. She built that branch of the Wayne Foundation to focus on matters that were important to her: charity programs, education and research grants, the arts, historic preservation, and community development. The company moved to the high-rise office tower it's now located in at the beginning of the 2000s when it outgrew its previous office space. Through the Martha Wayne Foundation, we've been responsible for the restoration of numerous historical sites around Gotham, financed an arts gallery and sponsored at-risk youths to go to university, among many other things.

Managing the Wayne Foundation, and all its branches, has been a lot of work. I don't know how Bruce was always on top of everything, but I'll do my best to continue the work he and his mother started. - D. G.

[danray002]

Frankly, some of the coolest things adults had done for me when I was a kid was when they saw me doing nothing important, said "Hey Dan, come here" and showed me something they thought was interesting or useful. Especially as a preteen or early teen, that would stick really well! I mean, as a teen it was cool too, but by then 90% of the time it meant a new responsibility when I was more interested in video games, fucking off in the woods, hanging out with my girlfriend or playing paintball.

I think the best of it came down to being genuinely interesting and being at the right level for my focus and comprehension at that age. Like, one of my uncles is a trucker who has a master's degree in electrical engineering, amd the other was aineman for a regional power company, and at a family party they talked with me for about half an hour on electricity carriage over long distances amd the merits and deficits of AC and DC in different applications. Problem was, this was at the phase in my life when I was moving from being the smartest kid in elementary school to having my world shaken by sctuslly having to put in effort for algebra in middle school and such, so my focus was kind of shot and I didn't get a firmer understanding until much later.

I really think that doing this for more life skills would be better, too. Like, my dad would read to me and my brother every night until we got interested enough to pick up these books ourselves, which got me to read later in life. Getting a job as a teenager where I had to deal with customers, including kids, running through the woods with paintball guns amd keep them from hurting themselves definitely improved my people skills. But I didn't learn a lot of cooking as a kid, amd it's only in the past few years that I've found out how much I enjoy it.

Yeah, "adulting" sounds like a silly concept because it is. If you want to produce good adults out of kids, you need to let them learn necessary skills, responsibilities, and concepts (including conversations you think kids can't comprehend) with training wheels on as children, before they become adults who've had none of the knowledge, skills, and training to act like adults.

Are they going to take all of it in properly? Absolutely not. But the more spaghetti you throw at different parts of the wall, the more will stick. Open these opportunities to learn, and you'll produce more capable, more knowledgeable, and more empathetic adults (read: better people). Look at the adults in your life, and I think you'll agree that in general, the ones who have these traits tend to get a bit fsrther in life than those who don't, or to be more tolerable to be around than those who aren't taught about different concepts at a young enough age to question them. If you want better people in the next generation of adults, you need to treat them accordingly as kids now.

The real reason millenials say "Adulting" is that that if you say something is "for adult reasons" or "grown up reasons" we've been trained to associate that with sex and shit when we just wanna say, be vague about our chore habits

[superkilometerfilter]

Car Insurance Mileage Limit Exceeded – What Should You Do?

If you’re wondering what happens if you exceed mileage on insurance, you’re in the right place, my friend. The truth is – people usually start panicking whenever they find out their mileage has increased dramatically. However, the whole situation might not be that big of a deal. Your insurance company won’t refuse to pay you out just because you exceeded the estimated mileage.

With that being said, there are certain steps you should follow to make sure your insurance is still valid. If you want to learn more about exceeding mileage on insurance, then keep on reading and I’ll give you all the details you need. Let’s dive right into it!

WHAT’S THE CONNECTION BETWEEN MILEAGE AND CAR INSURANCE?

Even though the mileage isn’t the only thing that determines your premium, it’s one of the main factors insurance companies pay attention to. Why do they even care about the number of miles you drive? – well, there are logical reasons behind that.

Insurance companies get the chance to calculate the risks of accidents with the help of the annual mileage. If you spend a lot of time on the road, you’ll have to pay more. The costs could even depend on your area as higher traffic rates increase the chance of accidents as well. Therefore, insurance companies need to know how “costly” you will be as a client and determine the premium accordingly.

When you fill out the forms, you will be asked about your annual mileage. This means that you should know exactly how much you’ll drive during that year. You shouldn’t play a guessing game here, because underestimating mileage could essentially invalidate your insurance. And if you don’t want to pay a lot of money for a policy that will be worthless, you’d better take your time and think carefully about upcoming trips with your pal.

Insurance companies usually have the right to check your mileage at any given time. They might even check it in the beginning, to make sure you won’t be able to lie. Either way, you should track your mileage to make sure you’re not exceeding estimated numbers.

IS THE INSURANCE MILEAGE LIMIT REALLY A THING?

No, it’s not. As mentioned above, insurance companies calculate your premium according to the annual mileage. You just tell them how much you drive during a year and they will recommend a relevant package or simply estimate your premium depending on the chosen plan. The majority of them won’t set any limits for you – they will simply note down your annual mileage.

However, it still depends on the plan you have. Certain packages might limit the number of miles you drive (it’s usually the case with low-mileage plans).

We could also think of the estimated annual mileage as the limit. If you believe that you’ll drive around 5,000 miles in the upcoming year, then you should try your best not to exceed that number. Even though it won’t cause serious problems, it will have certain consequences.

Car insurance mileage limit exceeded? – here’s what’s going to happen.

WHAT HAPPENS IF YOU EXCEED MILEAGE ON INSURANCE?

To be honest, it depends on your plan. Generally speaking, exceeding mileage won’t invalidate your policy in most cases, however, it might increase the premium. It depends on the amount of discrepancy and on your actions, too.

As I told you above, it’s important to estimate your annual mileage accurately. If you indicate 5,000 miles and end up driving 10,000, then your case might become suspicious. I understand that a lot can happen in a year, but you can always communicate about those changes with your insurance company.

What I’m trying to say here is that you won’t usually get in trouble if you exceed your annual mileage, however, if the inconsistency is too high, you might end up invalidating your policy. Stating low mileage intentionally to avoid higher premiums is unacceptable for insurance companies.

Car insurance mileage limit exceeded? – be a man about it and let your insurer know what happened. Notify them about the changes in your routine immediately, and you’ll avoid a lot of trouble. Hiding that information might cause problems while making a claim. The insurer might refuse to pay out or they might cover a smaller amount of money.

That essentially means that you’ll end up paying more. And if you think about it, lying about mileage or hiding that information doesn’t even make sense.

WILL EXCEEDING MILEAGE ON INSURANCE INCREASE YOUR PREMIUM?

Most likely, it will. It’s hard to answer such questions confidently without having some information about your plan and individual insurance policies. After all, it’s not exactly a rule of thumb – insurers choose to treat their beneficiaries differently.

If you want to know what happens if you exceed mileage on insurance, you should probably consult your insurance company beforehand. That’s the only way to know the definite answer.

But this doesn’t mean that we can’t examine the previous tendencies and discuss this subject in a general context. The experience of many beneficiaries shows that exceeding mileage on insurance results in an increase in your premium. Once you notify your insurer, they will amend the existing plan and calculate a different monthly cost that’s more suitable for your current situation.

Your annual rates will increase by approximately 100-200 bucks if you drive 12,000 miles instead of 6,000. It won’t change if you exceed the estimated number by 500 or even 100 miles. But if you need a serious upgrade in your plan, then you should expect certain changes.

As we have seen, your premium might increase if you exceed your annual mileage, but those changes aren’t dramatic. You might have to pay an extra $6 a month, but that’s not too bad, is it? It’s still better than lying about it, don’t you agree?

CAR INSURANCE MILEAGE LIMIT EXCEEDED? – HERE’S WHAT YOU CAN DO

If car insurance mileage limit exceeded, there are certain steps you should take to make sure you don’t invalidate your policy. You already know what happens if you drive more than you thought, therefore, it’s time we talked about subsequent actions.

Speak to your insurer whenever you understand that you’ve under or overestimated your mileage;

Tell them if you notice that your mileage is exceeding your annual plan;

Ask them what you can do if that happens;

Estimate the further increase by examining your new driving habits carefully;

Don’t make a big deal about it and start paying an increased premium.

These steps don’t seem too complicated or overwhelming, do they? If you follow them throughout the whole year, your insurance will remain valid for as long as you have it. That way, you’ll be sure that they will pay you out whenever you need to make a claim.

Of course, you should read their policy carefully to make sure you aren’t making other mistakes as well.

Car insurance mileage limit exceeded? – trust me, you don’t have anything to worry about. Just be smart about it, go through the necessary steps and you’ll be fine.

A MILEAGE BLOCKER – THE EASIEST SOLUTION

To avoid exceeding your annual mileage on your insurance, you can also use the mileage blocker. It’s a device that stops recording mileage without leaving a trace. However, its main purpose is to help you check the functionalities of your vehicle in a safe, controlled environment.

By using an advanced tool such as the mileage blocker, you’ll be able to test your car religiously throughout the year. If you buy a quality kilometer stopper, you’ll be able to make sure everything is fine. In other words, the mileage blocker can be one of the main proactive tools to avoid exceeding insurance limits. After purchasing the tool, proper support and service are guaranteed.

However, don’t forget that changing mileage on the car to trick insurance companies isn’t the most ethical tool you can do. Always make sure to use the mileage blocker in ethical and legal applications.

CONCLUSION

Car insurance mileage limit exceeded? – ask questions! That’s the most important takeaway here. Don’t be afraid to be meticulous and nag your insurance company about every single thing. It’s always better to know for sure what to expect beforehand than to deal with the consequences.

And one more thing: sometimes we think we’re saving up when we’re actually increasing our expenses. That’s exactly what we’re doing when we underestimate the mileage. It only takes a tiny amount of curiosity and math to be precise about your numbers. It’s easy to blame your insurance company for refusing to pay you out, but it’s a better idea to be careful from the very beginning.

[astrologanize]

2021 for the ascendants 

aries ascendant: man, it’s like you’ve forgotten what you want for the past few years but you’ve been trying with all your might to run through a list of desires with the hope that eventually something will provide you with contentment. worry not, you will be met with situations that highlight your principles so that you are able to decipher what it is that brings you oneness. ask yourself if the company you keep is meeting expectations and if there are behaviors you’ve been allowing, but more importantly, ask yourself if you are leading by example and what you are leading with. this is a time for you to make sure that you are taking the proper initiative towards your own fulfillment, if you’re feeling a disconnect then maybe you should seek for an understanding of the objective; how can you expect others to meet expectations if you aren’t doing the same for yourself? why are you tolerating what you shouldn’t have to? it’s time to up your ambition and strive for resolution by making sure that you are setting yourself up for greatness. “if you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for anything” 

taurus ascendant: life has been a slippery slope for the past couple of years, the way life can change in the blink of an eye and the way we can get carried away without intending to is something you’re awfully familiar with by now. you’ll feel like you’re getting somewhere, you figure things are on the up ya know, and then of course something totally stops you in your tracks and it makes you question yourself - which has only made your taurus ascendant self clam up harder buuuut you’ve been trying to process it. you will be met with situations that allow you to reap the benefit of your efforts. it is time for you to go after what you want, this is prime manifestation time so if you are desiring change to circumstances make sure you are working towards it and utilizing the power of affirmation. if you don’t have a job then i would strongly advise this as a time to obtain one or attempt to obtain one; if you do have a job/are in a career then expect there to be change that is ultimately positive for you even if it may not seem like it at the time. 

gemini ascendant: you guys have been on a mission of self-discovery through the numerous voids we utilize to dissolving other parts of ourselves, i’m getting very “cranes in the sky” by solange - “i tried to drink it away, i tried to put one in the air, i tried to dance it away, i tried to change it with my hair” (etc. read the rest of the lyrics if you’d like!) sometimes in us getting caught up in excessive behavior we’re able to understand that there’s a bigger issue at play and we’re acting from a place that is without authenticity. you will be met with situations that reveal the answers that you’ve been searching for and your perspective will begin to breakdown and reform. this year you should try to think before you speak, in fact, let your actions speak for themselves so that you don’t have to start running off at the mouth. absorb and filter through the information that you have so that you are leading with the facts; no more following unreliable curiosities, bouncing back & forth, and wallowing in careless behavior. 

cancer ascendant: for a while you’ve had to take a hard look at family, support systems, what you bring the to the table, and how you can find liberation for yourself in relation to these things. it’s been easier for you to fall into a pity party because you’ve had to deal with and be met with responsibility in a new way, a way that has showed you where you’re needing to grow up, and this can make you want to sink further into your shell with all your vices of comfort (those ‘security blankets’ can be so pesky). you will be met with situations that can soften out your old ways and in doing so provide you with a chance to have a legitimate regeneration. finding acceptance and embracing vulnerability at it’s most candid is how you will find your footing. this is a time to try to re-evaluate your patterns of behavior so that you can work on creating new, healthier habits for yourself so that you are able to lay down those roots of security that you long for. you have been receiving the tools you need and all you have to do is utilize them instead of trying to shield up and be overly defensive. 

leo ascendant: i feel like life for you has kind of felt like someone took you out of your home, drove you to a forest in the middle of nowhere and dropped you off with the bare necessities and said, “okay, now figure out your way back.” thankfully you are getting a groove back for yourself and taking on a new outlook of the hindrances in your life. you will be met with situations that make you reconsider the way you’ve been carrying yourself, what you’ve been allowing, and the situations that you have been placing yourself in. it’s time for you to be more selective and imagine what you want for your life, what is your ‘dream life’? - answer this question and start taking the steps to getting there, decide what isn’t aligning with this dream, what you need to pull back from, and what is worth the effort. if you have family or a support system then examine your relationship with them - are they holding you back or are they willing to work on things with you and vice versa because it could be you who is needing to be more deliberate with people. if your home (life) isn’t ideal then find a way of to move elsewhere or renovate your space by getting rid of what has no use in your life so that you can add or rearrange accordingly. 

virgo ascendant: ah, attachments and feeling withdrawn, dissatisfied, ineffective are issues that you have been dealing with but this year you will be tending to the source of this by learning how to keep momentum. though you have been putting in effort, it’s you working harder and not smarter because you’re working from a place of inadequacy instead of working from a place of ingenuity. along with working harder and putting in unnecessary effort is you nitpicking to the very last crumb when really this is you just, again, being dissatisfied with where you are in life. you will be met with situations that force you back down to earth and emphasize what it is that you have been evading or how you’ve been evading. this is a time to make the transitions that you’ve been yearning for, this is not a time for waiting things out, if you want something then you need to act on it. you’ve been in your head in a very unhelpful way, you’re like “nope, this won’t work for me because xyz, i can’t do that because of abc, this is too wrong, this isn’t lmnop enough, blah blah blah” and it’s been excuse after excuse. get out of your own way and revise!!! make the best with what you have!!!

libra ascendant: gosh, why has everything felt like it’s been crumbling away? things are supposed to come together, not fall apart, right? as of late your efforts have felt as though they’ve been in vain - other people aren’t taking to you, you’re not attracting what you want, and everything has felt unfair. this balance beam has been feeling anything but balanced! you will be met with situations that bring you back to the notion that what we attract is based around what we’re putting forth. have you ever pointed the finger at yourself? are there any issues that could be stemming for you? maybe it’s you who is needing to learn how to keep yourself in check. after all this crumbling away you should be able to start piecing together the leftover fragments to gather an understanding of what life has come to be. omg i just envisioned the mulan scene: “when will my reflection show who i am inside” - this is your mulan moment!!! negativity has clung and been projected from you in recent years and it’s on you to mend those behaviors and in doing so your paths will narrow down, the indecision will cease, and you’ll see where you can go, where you’d want to go.  

scorpio ascendant: feeling as though you’ve missed something is not something you’re that familiar with because you like to think you have awareness but unfortunately recognition has not been your strong suit as of late. you’ve reached that “who am i?” stage of rock-bottom and the “what in the hell am i even doing?” but what a year 2021 will be for you in terms of being able to end certain cycles, which is a pretty major thing for your ascendant. you will be met with situations that force you to gather your bearings and revise your demeanor, which can be a nerve-wracking thing for someone who doesn’t like to adhere to what they would consider the follies of others. it’s a time for openness so lessen your grip and consider the possibilities rather than feeding into your sensitivities and fixations. how can you transform if you’re too busy digging yourself in deeper? the way scorpio is able to bring together both boldness and vulnerability is what you should be striving for, the self-sabotaging is for the other birds - you’re a Phoenix! 

sagittarius ascendant: i extend my deepest condolences for the past couple of years but you’re starting to get a better idea about the part that you play in matters and what you’re needing to improve upon so that you can find a direction, or better direction, in your life. hopefully you have been paying heed to the areas in your life that have accumulated to the point of no return and are planning a big ol’ yard sale because it is time to bring back some decency. you will be met with situations that test your ability to make the right choices/decisions by infringing upon your lifestyle. this is a time to explore inwardly and address the emotions that you’ve kept tucked away, seeing as your decisions are too often dictated by these unturned emotions. you’ve done enough wandering by now, these upcoming days should be about you tying up loose ends and bettering the circumstances you currently have so that you don’t feel the need to flee. don’t let things go unexpressed this year because this baggage is what is hindering you and freeing yourself of this as much you possibly can would be in your best interest. 

capricorn ascendant: ah, those dark feelings of being misunderstood and having a chip on your shoulder because let’s be honest, you’ve been having an identity crisis and haven’t been the most reassuring person to have around. all i’m hearing is “it’s my life!” and envisioning a person who is refusing to be told what to do, we get it - you think you’re above cooperation. you will be met with situations that challenge the security within yourself and in your life through having to face your own inability to properly articulate yourself to others. it’s time for you to take on the mindset of a novice. everything you’ve established or think that you’ve established? yeah, leave it at the door. try your best to pretend that you know nothing and that the world is brand new because it’s your own preconceived notions that are clamming you up. other people won’t be receptive to you if you’re not being receptive to them. not everything is about standing on the mountain or being ready to die on a hill, you should be enjoying the process and experimenting and considering alternatives because that’s how you find what works. 

aquarius ascendant: so you guys have totally recoiled into yourselves to the point of being lost within, huh? i just know y’all have been going full weirdo and doing shit that probably even you can’t grasp because it’s been coming from such a subconscious place. once you’ve hit a low point it’s easy to become a bitter betty and partake in not the greatest of coping mechanisms because you’re feeling alienated from yourself. there is a reason for this though - you have unacknowledged feelings! have you had any regrets or lingering emotion towards people or towards situations? perhaps these are stifling your ability to feel present. you will be met with situations that turn you inside out by taking away the option of preparing yourself so that there’s no time to go robotic about it. this is a time for you to revel in activity, get out of your ~woe is me, nobody wants what i have to offer~ and start showcasing your abundance! give for the sake of giving, have fun with your generosity, try to tap into that aquarius energy of playful but well-intentioned nonchalance. 

pisces ascendant: well, you have been trying to work on your celestial flow and have dove deeper into your visions and idealisms for life but your moods have never been more easily swayed. these have not been the sort of tides that you have cared to ride because they don’t lead anywhere! they crash and dissolve, crash and dissolve, crash and dissolve - when will they carry you somewhere you’d like to go? your escapisms and illusions have been getting the better of you and floating is a pretty accurate way to describe where you’re at. you will be met with situations that question/alter your reality and reveal to you what you’ve been overlooking. i imagine it as your *record scratch* *freeze frame* “yup. that's me. so you're probably wondering how I got myself into this situation.” moment. it’s time for you to gently pull back and take note of what you’re investing your energy into and what this has been producing in return. your energy is best left being funneled into yourself this year so that you can thoroughly examine where you’ve been pigeonholing yourself; in you examining such you will be able to tap into your intuition in a way that you have not been able to before, it’ll be like unlocking a new level of your own consciousness. 

[sub-danny]

We met with Laszlo so I needed to ask something about it.

Laszlo forcing himself to keep together as you are in the same room and he wants to make you proud and earn is rightful prize

I added some other things into this drabble such as overstimulation and of course because you sent me the original Laszlo mummy kink request I had to include it in here as well!

Word count: 2k

Warnings: f!reader, sub!Laszlo, handjobs, overstimulation, mummy kink

When Laszlo was arguing for his court cases he was in his prime. He had gained the reputation for being one of the most likely Alienists to get people out of the death sentence or being locked up, if he chooses to take on your case. When criminals were faced with the book they would try everything to get him to take their case on. But Laszlo only chooses the cases of those he deemed needed his help, who shouldn’t be judged for their crime because they didn’t mean for it to happen or that they were in the right for committing it. Or if he found he wanted to study them and deemed them as mentally insane.

There was however another reason as to why Laszlo was always so keen in court, how he would do everything he could to help his defendant and that might be down to how his lovely wife would usually sit in on the court and watch how the trial would go down.

Throughout this trial, Laszlo’s eyes couldn’t help but continuously flicker over to where you sat, but they darted away the moment he feared you might spot him glancing over to you. You always kept your face so passive Laszlo had a hard time trying to analyze and figure out what you were thinking, and what was supposed to be one of his best skills! When he stood up and talked, arguing against what most of the prosecutors claimed about his client, he could feel all the eyes in the room look at him, he could feel their judgemental stares, he knew what they thought of him but he only cared about one opinion in that room.

He had to be a good boy for you. If he won the case today then he was a good boy. If he lost it then he would be a bad boy and you had to punish him accordingly. He needed to be a good boy for you today and he had to make you proud in order for you to reward him. But the more he thought about his potential reward tonight for winning the case, the more aroused he became. As he sat down to briefly take a break as the prosecutor pulled out some more evidence, horror dawned on him as he felt the way his slacks tightened around him, and as he looked down dread filled him as he saw the slight tent within his trousers.

Just the mere presence and thought of you was apparently all Laszlo needed to feel arousal surge within him. With his hand, he tried to push it back down but the feeling of the material being pushed against his aching cock only stimulated the pleasure for him and he had to swallow down a moan that was threatening to prise its way out of his throat.

When it was Laszlo’s turn to stand up again he hovered his weak arm over his crotch in a casual way, hoping no one would take notice of the creases now within it yet his voice sounded like it was straining and wobbling, and panic flicked through him that as you watched him, you might have caught on to what he was struggling with. He didn’t dare imagine what you might do to him if you figured out how hard he got during a court case with lots of other people surrounding the two of you.

He was fearful now with his distraction he would lose this court case, that he wouldn’t be able to pull through and yet remarkably, the defendant was excused of his crime as long as Laszlo took him into his employment. Hearing the verdict made Laszlo extremely happy knowing he wouldn’t be punished today, instead rewarded but still he needed to get home with you without you realising how turned on he was yet. This proved hard as you two rode in the calash opposite each other. He placed his hands in front of his crotch pretending to just rest them there but it wasn’t very convincing of him.

Finally, you two got home and were left within each other’s companies, anticipating what was to come next. He dared not say a word, instead his eyes lingering all over your body as you slowly stepped towards him, placing your hand upon his chest to feel the way it rose with every deep breath in. The touch was intimate and sparked warmth within Laszlo, especially when you trailed your fingers up to his beard, stroking his neck upwards and then finally placing your finger under his chin.

“You were a good boy today Laszlo weren’t you?”

He didn’t dare speak, only nod.

“You made me very proud today.”

The corners of his lips twitched up into a smile as his heart fluttered from his words. Knowing you were proud of him was one of the best feelings he could experience.

“And yet…” you trail off, letting your eyes which were staring into Laszlo’s now drop to his lips. “I couldn’t help but notice you became quite excited near the end.”

Without a moment’s hesitation, your other hand reached forward and cupped Laszlo’s slacks, palming his cock through the thin material. The sensation instantly made his hips twitch, his cock thinking before his mind could. He knew that down there he had started to leak pre-cum which was dripping onto his thighs making him grimace slightly.

“I-I’m sorry mummy,” he chocked out, though it felt like his throat was constricting from the sobs that threatened to fall from his lips, “I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay darling,” you tell him, giving his crotch a tighter squeeze making him hiss, “It makes me happy to know how much you enjoy my company. You won the case, you’ve earned your reward, but I’m afraid I can’t let you get away without a punishment fully.”

Finally, you pulled your hand away from him again and this time a sob truly did leave his lips as he screwed his eyes shut, upset from the sudden lack of friction and embarrassed at how submissive he had become.

Your hands moved to his shoulder and slowly you pushed him back, guiding him until his legs hit the sofa within the living room to which you forced him to collapse back onto it. The breath was knocked out of him for a moment as his back laid down upon the sofa, and while he was briefly stunned you grasped his ankle, lifting it up and putting it behind the back of the sofa while his other leg dangled off the side, ensuring that he was nicely spread open for you. Because of his age, there was a strain on his thigh muscles to keep his legs so wide open and he knew he would be sore after but he could deal with that in order to please you.

Your fingers fumbled with the buttons on his slacks until you finally pried them open. Tugging them down slightly you watched how his cock was finally freed from its confinments. It bobbed up, slapping his chest with excitement which also caused a few beads of pre-cum to spill from the tip.

“So needy for me,” you mutter, really to yourself but Laszlo heard you and quickly moaned, “Yes” desperately trying to suppress the urge to buck his hips up into the air. Now out of its confinements he ached for friction, something to relieve him of the increasing pressure building up inside of his cock as it hardens and luckily for him you granted him relief.

Your hand wrapped around the warm skin of his cock, and slowly started to pump it, reaching all the way down to his ball sack before pulling your hand up to his tip, to brush your thumb along the tip and side more pre-cum down him to make your movements easier. You could feel the way he started to pulse in your hand, the veins which trailed down his cock pushing against the thin skin.

More moans found their way out of Laszlo’s throat as his face scrunched up from pleasure. His jaw became slack as his mind was flooded in a lustful cloud, all other thoughts and worries leaving his mind. Soon his hips started to move on their own, thrusting his cock into your hand as you pumped him, desperate for more speed. Though his leg was being held behind the sofa it began to shake as he felt his pleasure mounting within him, making him sweat. A few curses in German left his throat as he groaned and let his head fall back on the sofa. His back arched as his balls finally constricted and with one loud groan he finally came all over your hands, rods of cum squirting out of him and landing upon his new, expensive suit. He doesn’t seem to mind at the moment though as all he could do was lie back and let his hips twitch in your hand as the last few squirts of cum stream down his tip and onto your hand.

To his horror, however, you don’t stop moving your hand.

When the last of his pleasure haze left him, the sudden pain of overstimulation strikes him, causing his whole body to suddenly tense up. His head shot up to stare at you wide-eyed, mouth slack in surprise as you pumped his now soft cock. A whimper tears from his throat as his eyes swarm with tears at the stinging pain as you continued to move your hand quickly up and down his shaft, faster now than before.

“Y/n, please, it hurts” he finally is able to cry out, his chest heaving from the deep breaths he is having to take to dull the pain in his cock. His thighs twitched again as more pleas leave his lips, desperately looking at you, but you just shook your head, delivering a devilish smirk to him.

“You were the one who became so excited at just the meet thought of your reward, I am simply giving you the pleasure you craved.”

He opened his mouth again to argue against you but you cut him off, “There’s no use speaking Laszlo, for I won’t let you go until I have milked you dry, until you are too fucked out to even think anymore, only thrust your hips like a good little boy.”

Laszlo cried out at your words realising just how far you were going to push him. It was too much for a man of his age, he wasn’t young he couldn’t keep cumming. And yet though he shook his head and continue you plead with you, you both could feel how his cock started to become hard in your hand again.

He bit his lip harshly and threw his head back as the pain of the overstimulation lead to pleasure for him again. His throat wanted to cry out from the pleasure but his embarrassment from how good he was feeling tried to prevent it. However, all it took was for you to brush your thumb over his sensitive tip, and press down on it and his whole body was thrashing as he cried out. Almost as quickly as last time, he was brought to the edge of his climax. You take his cock a slight tug and that was all it took for him to lose it again, his cock twitching within his palm as his hips violently twitched forward. Though it was less than last time his cock still pumped out more streams of cum all over you and him but his mind was so swarmed in an even intenser pleasure than from his last orgasm he didn’t even notice.

His whole body was shaking for at least three minutes as finally tears started to flow from his eyes from the intensity of the climax. He wasn’t even aware now of the pitiful gasps and moans that left his lips. All he was aware of was how your hand was still moving on his cock and how much it hurt and pleasured him.

[bungeenomin]

Professional- Jung Jaehyun

genre: ceo!jaehyun x reader angst, smut and full (in that order)

word count: 7k

summary: when you and your ‘no strings attached” fuck buddy that you happen to catch feelings for, end on bad terms, you completely block him out of your life, that is until four years later, when you get a job working for one of the biggest ceo’s in Korea, Jung Jaehyun becomes your boss, and you his assistant

warnings: angst(gets resolved), slight degradation, dirty talk, unprotected sex(wrap before you tap), rough sex, thigh riding, slight overstimulation, orgasms

4 years ago

“Fuck Jae i’m gonna cum” you moan loudly in his ear, resulting in a grunt escaping from the back of Jaehyun’s throat as he picks up his pace. 

“Mmh cum with me baby” Jaehyun moans, and that’s all it takes for you both to come undone together, moans and swear words bouncing off the walls as you come down from your high. 

Jaehyun’s pace finally comes to a stop as he throws his body down beside you, still panting. This was a regular night for you and Jaehyun. For about six months now you’ve been fuck buddies and at least four times a week you end up in one of your dorms. Quick fucks whenever either of you wanted them or needed them, or late night fucks. Even though you were fucking each other with no strings attached, it never became awkward between you too, although the small crush you had on Jaehyun did make the whole no strings attached thing slightly more difficult. You never meant to catch feelings for Jaehyun, it just, happened. 

“I”m gonna go clean up, i’ll be back in a sec” Jaehyun said, caressing your cheek softly before getting out of the bed and moving to the bathroom. 

You didn’t mean to look at Jaehyun’s phone while he was gone. You really didn’t. You heard a phone notification and while checking if it was yours, you accidentally picked up Jaehyun’s, who had the same model phone and happened to not have a case on his either. 

“What the fuck” you whisper to yourself as you see the message displayed on the screen. 

‘Baby i miss you :( come over, i wanna pick up from where we left off the last time ;)’ the text read. You almost forget how to breathe as your eyes begin to swell with tears. You know, no strings attached, but for the last six months, you and Jaehyun had been exclusively fuck buddies. You know you would certainly tell him if you were letting someone else stick their dick in you, yet here he is, fucking other people and not having the audacity to even tell you. 

With tears streaming down your cheeks, you get up and start collecting your clothes from the floor and dressing yourself as fast as you can. You just want to leave and never have to look at his stupid face that you’re so obsessed with ever again. Jaehyun walks back into the room as you pull your shirt over your head, confused as to why you’re suddenly in such a rush to leave. “Hey, what’s up? where are yo-”

“What’s up? Why don’t you check your fucking phone Jaehyun” you spit, anger seeping out of you. Jaehyun gives you a concerned look before picking up his phone, his face dropping when he see’s the message on the screen. “Yeah Jaehyun, that’s whats fucking up, except, you didn’t even feel the need to tell me” 

“Y/n- we said no strings attached” Jaehyun says, not knowing what else to say. 

“There are no fucking strings attached Jaehyun! Funnily enough i fucking hate you right now, but don’t you think i have the right to know that my fuck buddy is fucking someone else?” you question. 

“I didn’t think it matt-”

“Of course it fucking matters Jaehyun. But you’re such a fucking self absorbed fucking prick that all you care about is getting your fucking average ass dick wet. Fuck you Jung Jaehyun” you spit as you walk towards the door, “if i never see you again it’l be too soon”. 

After that night, you didn’t see Jaehyun again. You blocked his number and all his social media platforms. You completely cut him out of your life. It hurt, but it didn’t hurt half as much as what he did to you. You know, what he did shouldn’t have mattered, but it did, and that wasn’t very no strings attached of you. You shouldn’t have fallen for Jaehyun put you did, and before you could even tell him, he broke your heart. You hated him for that. 

Present day

Your legs are decorated with goose bumps as you walk in your black, skin tight pencil skirt through the busy street. The cold winter air is intense, but you know that first impressions are everything, and so here you are, freezing your ass off to make a good first impression on your first day of work.

Honestly, you still can’t believe you’ve got this job. You applied for it late one night just by chance, not at all thinking you could get a job as the ceo of one of the largest companies in Korea’s assistant.

You take a shaky breath, before pushing the large doors open and stepping into the building. The interior is more expensive than you expected. Modern design, glass chandeliers, velvet couches, glass cases full of awards and pricey looking ornaments and antiques. It’s so beautifully decorated.

“Ah you must be y/n!” an older woman in sophisticated clothing says, a clipboard in her hand.

“Yes! That’s me. I’m starting work here today” you reply, a gentle smile on your lips.

“Yes of course!” the woman replies as she begins walking, motioning for you to come with her, “I’ll bring you to Mr. Jung’s office right away. I have to warn you though, he can be, well, difficult. He’s a very determined and work orientated man”.

If you weren’t nervous before, you certainly are now. This job would be just perfect if the ceo was bearable. “Good luck” the lady whispers, as she opens the door for you. “Mr Jung, your new assistant is here” she announces, before leaving you to your own devices.

As you take a step into the large office, you see a tall man, facing away from the desk and looking out at the beautiful view of the city the office has. “It’s funny isn’t it? How people meet again” the man states, not moving from his position.

You know what voice. Hell, you wish you didn’t but you do. You never wanted to hear that voice again, or see that face, and now he’s your boss? The male quirks an eyebrow and turns to face you at your lack of response, and there he is. Jung Jaehyun.

“Yes” you reply quietly, completely shell shocked at his presence. After all these years. Jaehyun from college is one of the most successful ceo’s in all of Korea, typical. 

“Ah ah, yes sir to you. Where are your manners?” Jaehyun replies, a smirk on his lips. 

“Yes sir”

“Much better” Jaehyun replies, moving to his seat. “Your desk is there, take a seat” he points towards a large desk, although much smaller than his own, placed not too far from his desk, but far enough for you both to have personal space.

“Let’s get a few things straight” Jaehyun starts as soon as you sit in your seat, “other people don’t run my company for me, i run it. My company has no shareholders, it’s entirely mine, so don’t even consider thinking you can help me with my business. Your job is not that hard, a child could do it. All you have to do is keep track of my meetings and schedules, i’m a busy man y/n, if you forget, consider your self fired. I don’t have the time to work both of our jobs. You’ll accompany me to meetings, you are to write down every detail that is spoken about. I never do business on the day, i go home and reflect, which is why you better have every last detail on that paper. It’s also your job to go through my emails, but nothing to do with business deals, that’s none of your concern. My business deals are in my own email, so don’t worry. The email i’m going to give you is for promotional deals, sponsorships and the likes, deal with them accordingly. Don’t fuck it up y/n, it’s simple work. If i had two of me, i would do it myself but unfortunately, that’s not the case and well, here you are. Oh and lastly, if i want coffee, that’s on you”

He’s changed. He’s changed so much. He’s not the Jaehyun you knew. Not your Jaehyun. Well, the Jaehyun you knew was never really your Jaehyun. He made sure of that. Maybe this is still old Jaehyun, and he was just nice to you so he could get his dick wet. Maybe. 

“Do i make myself clear, y/n?”

“Yes sir” 

“Great, you’re only in for an induction today really so just set up your desk and go i guess” Jaehyun says monotonously, his eyes back in work mode as they stare at the large computer screen in front of him. 

“Oh, okay sir” you reply, taking your stationary out of your bag and displaying it neatly on your desk. 

“See you tomorrow” Jaehyun says, eyes failing to lift from the screen that illuminates his face. “My coffee better not be on my desk a minute after 8am, i’m very punctual, so 8:01 won’t do”

“Yes sir” you reply, trying your best to keep your calm, “see you tomorrow” and with that, you leave the man to his work in the office, releasing a sigh you didn’t know you were holding in the second you exit the room.  

When the next morning arrives, you do everything you can to make sure you don’t piss off Jaehyun. You arrive fifteen minutes early to set up your computer and get his coffee, but of course, by the time you reach the coffee machine, there’s a line. 

You check your watch as you quickly walk towards the office, coffee in hand, and just as you reach the door you see the time switch to 8:01. Of course. You open the door, in hopes that you will have beaten Jaehyun to the office but you didn’t. He is sat at his desk, looking through stacks of paper work, wearing a serious expression. 

“Late on your first day? We really aren’t getting off to a good start now, are we dear?” Jaehyun questions, the same serious expression displayed on his face as he looks over the frame of his low hung glasses at you. 

Dear. 

“I’m sorry sir” you reply, before walking towards his desk to place his coffee. 

“Let it be the only slip up” Jaehyun grumbles, his focus now back on the documents in front of him. He was never much of a morning person, but from what you saw yesterday, you aren’t sure if he’s much of an evening person now either.

“What’s todays schedule?” Jaehyun questions a few minutes later, taking a small sip of his coffee, and humming in satisfaction. 

“It says here you just have a call with Mr Wang at 9am sir” you reply, as you read the schedule, insuring you weren’t missing anything. 

Jaehyun leaves out an unsatisfied scoff at that, “Fine, it’ll be on speaker, write the details. He’s very persuasive so i will need a lot of reflection before signing anything with him, make sure you write down everything”. 

So you did. You felt as if your hand was going to fall off due to how quickly Mr Wang spoke, but you got everything written down. You typed it all out in a neat format so Jaehyun would understand it perfectly. 

Jaehyun was on his third cup of coffee since sitting down to reflect on the business deal that Mr Wang had offered him, and the man looked stressed. Heavy sighs left his lips over and over again as he weighed out his options, desperately trying to make a decision. He looks so attractive when he’s worked up. He always has. Any time he was stressed during university, he would call you over and just fuck it out of his system. He’d never do that now though. Not anymore. 

“More coffee?” you question hesitantly, looking at the empty cup sitting on his desk, as Jaehyun sits with his head in his hands. 

“No” Jaehyun simply replies. “There’s a bottle of whiskey over in the cabinet, bring it over with a cup”. 

It would be nice to hear a please from Jaehyun, but right now, you know he’s up to his eyes with stress. 

“Here you go sir” you announce, leaving the glass and bottle in front of him. 

“Are you done your tasks?” Jaehyun questions, pouring himself a glass of the alcohol. 

“Yes sir” you reply. 

“Go home then” Jaehyun responds, chugging the drink down his throat in one gulp. 

“Thank you sir” you reply, to which Jaehyun just nods. The atmosphere between you two is unexplainable. Weird. 

Day two of working with Jaehyun is no better. He’s narky. Worse than yesterday.

“Coffee” Jaehyun demands, as he’s busy writing on the documents in front of him.

You bring him his coffee, leaving it in front of him and go back to your work.

“The coffee isn’t nice” Jaehyun announces, shoving the drink further away from him.

“Would you like me to make you a ne-”

“No, you’ve put me off the whole idea of it now” Jaehyun huffs, eyes flicking between the documents and his computer screen.

“Sorry” you sigh, before returning to your desk. 

“Sorry what?”

“Sorry sir” 

“That’s what i thought”

The nice lady who greeted you on the first day was right. He is a lot. You never thought he would grow into such an arrogant person, but here he is. 

“Sir, you have a call with Mr Huang in ten minutes” you announce as you look at the schedule in front of you. 

Jaehyun nearly chokes when you say it. “Ten minutes? You have one fucking job and you decide to tell me ten minutes in advanced? You’re fucking useless” Jaehyun shouts, very pissed off at this point, before storming out of the office. 

Ouch. Jaehyun never, ever raised his voice at you before. Never. Jaehyun would always be so calm, so collected. He never once called you anything degrading, outside of the bedroom that is. After sex, he would even go as far as assuring you know that you are none of the derogatory names he called you, always praising you. This hurts, a lot. 

A few moments later, Jaehyun enters the room again, arms full of files and a freshly made cup of coffee, one he made himself after your previous attempt. His face still carries anger. 

“Do you want me to help you carry th-”

“No, your help isn’t necessary. Just note down the meeting details” Jaehyun cuts you off bluntly, before beginning the call.

A week into the job, and it’s been one hell of a week. No matter what you do, Jaehyun seems to be angry at you. No matter how hard you try, it’s not enough for him. Slightly feeling like deja vu. 

“Mr Jung?” you question sheepishly, standing in front of his desk. 

“I prefer sir, but what?” Jaehyun responds, still focusing on his work. 

“I know you don’t like me and that’s okay, but, is this personal? or is it that you just don’t like the way i work?”

Jaehyun quirks an eyebrow, dropping his pen, folding his arms over his chest and staring at you intensely. “So you’re getting bold?” 

“I-”

“I’m your boss, and you’re speaking out to me”

“It’s not like th-” 

“Then what’s it like? Hm?” 

You stay silent, regretting ever opening your mouth. 

“To me, y/n, it seems one of us is being extremely unprofessional, and that someone is certainly not me” Jaehyun starts. “I hate unprofessionalism, it’s something i will never be. You don’t get to come up to me all soppy because i think you’re not doing a good job. I didn’t ask you to do a shit job, nor do i pay you to do a shit job. So change. I don’t want this unprofessional shit from you again, do i make myself clear?” 

“Y-yes sir” you stutter, “i’m s-sorry” 

“Mhmm” Jaehyun responds. Jaehyun returns to his work, accidentally pushing one of the documents he was working on off the side of the desk, pages going everywhere. 

“For fuck sa-”

“It’s okay sir, i’ll pick them up” you reply, bending down to gather the documents before Jaehyun could get up. 

Jaehyun can’t help it. He can’t help but to look at your ass in that skirt he finds oh so sexy as you are bent down beside his desk. Lewd thoughts begin to fill Jaehyun’s mind, thinking back to old times with the two of you. His mind also strays to thinking of how good it would feel, fucking you at his office desk. But Jaehyun is a professional man after all, as he claims. 

Jaehyun awkwardly clears his throat and returns his gaze to the work in front of him, right before you stand up and hand him the documents. “Here you go sir” you smile softly, allowing the documents to sit carefully on the desk, completely oblivious to Jaehyun’s antics only moments ago. 

“You can go no” Jaehyun announces, rubbing his temples, you assume to relive some stress. “Tomorrow, i have a lot of work to get through. I’ll be working extra hours, and so will you. Probably working until midnight or after”

“Oh” you reply. That’s a lot of overtime. You are always so drained by the end of a 8-6 hour day with Jaehyun, you can’t even imagine how you’ll feel by the end of tomorrow. 

“You’ll get payed accordingly, don’t worry. Just clock in and clock out and you’ll get payed for the hours you work, and receive double pay for the hours you work after 8pm” Jaehyun looks up at you, waiting for you to approve. 

“Okay sir” 

“Good. Well, see you tomorrow then, you can go”

The second you leave the office, a deflated sigh leaves your lips. As if the embarrassing discussion you had to have with Jaehyun wasn’t enough, now you have to deal with him for hours extra tomorrow. At least you’ll get good money for it. 

What you aren’t aware of as you exit the building, is the state you left Jaehyun in. As soon as you leave the office, Jaehyun locks the door, ensuring he has no surprise visitors. When Jaehyun returns to his desk, he unbuckles his belt, ridding himself of his slacks and boxers and sitting in his seat, bare legs against the cold leather. 

Jaehyun throws his head back the second his hand meets his hard length, finally getting some well needed release. A small, airy moan escapes Jaehyun’s lips as he runs his thumb over his angry tip, collecting up his pre cum before he starts lazily pumping his length. 

Jaehyun releases heavy breaths, with one imagine in his mind as he pumps his dick faster, his grip tightening. “Mmh fuck” he groans, the images in his mind making him harder and harder by the second, as his pace just quickens. Jaehyun is quick to unbutton his dress shirt with his free hand, knowing where this is going. 

“Fuck y/n” he moans deeply, getting completely lost in his pleasure, images of you and him performing far from professional ministrations cloud his mind. 

“Mmh wanna fuck you so good” he groans, as he feels his dick twitch in his hand. “Fuck” he breaths out, squeezing tighter, teasing his tip again. 

Loud moans and groans fall from Jaehyun’s lips as he reaches his high, his load covering his toned abs. “Fuck” he breathlessly sighs, running a hand through his hair. 

Jaehyun is very glad he soundproofed his office now. Moaning your assistants name certainly isn’t professional, and Jaehyun has a reputation to uphold, even within the four walls of his own company. 

The next morning, you are determined for this day to go well. It’s too long of a shift for Jaehyun to be in a pissy mood. 

Today, you reach the office before Jaehyun, coffee in hand. You leave the coffee on Jaehyun’s desk, before heading to your own and setting yourself up for the day. 

Jaehyun is surprised to say the least that you were for once, in the office before him, coffee waiting for him. Maybe his talk with you finally knocked some punctuality into you. 

Jaehyun didn’t say anything to you, but what you’ve come to learn with Jaehyun is that silence is better than words. When he’s silent, he has no complaints, or at least none prominent enough for him to voice. When he speaks on the other hand, he is complaining, the vast majority of the time. 

Before you realise it, it’s already 9pm, three hours past your usual finish time. “Take a break” Jaehyun says, before standing up from his desk and walking to the couch on the other side of the large office, taking a seat and admiring the night time view of the city. He always found it relaxing, just watching the world go by, even if it is full of hustle and bustle. 

Jaehyun looks over at you, as you just silently sit at your desk scrolling through your phone. He returns his gaze to the window before speaking up. “You can come here”.

You whip your head around to face him, kind of shocked at his words. “Oh, uh, it’s fine, don’t worry i wi-”

“Y/n” Jaehyun says, turning his gaze to meet yours. “Come sit here”. 

You take a deep breath, although a shaky one, before standing up and making your way over to the couch, sitting on the opposite side to Jaehyun. Not daring to look at him, you also look out at the beautiful view, a small smile creeping onto your lips at the sight of the city. 

“Nice view, isn’t it?” Jaehyun questions, throwing you back. He hasn’t tried to speak to you at all unless necessary since you got here. 

“Yeah it’s really nice. You’re lucky you got such a beautiful building” you reply nervously, which doesn’t go unnoticed by Jaehyun. 

“I am” he replies, “one of my dads associates happened to be selling it when i was buying and gave me a good deal on it”  

“I see” you reply awkwardly. What is even happening?

“Mmh. I’m very proud of this place. Very proud of my company” 

“You should be. It’s a beautiful building and the company is so successful. You built it by your self from the ground up, that’s something to be proud of sir” you reply, eyes now staring at Jaehyun’s side profile. 

“I’m very proud. This company means the world to me” Jaehyun replies, your eyes still glued to his side profile. 

“Are you just going to stare?” Jaehyun questions, with a raised eye brow, causing you to panic and blush, breaking your gaze on him immediately. 

“No sir, sorry i wasn’t s-staring i was jus-”

“Just what?” Jaehyun questions, amused at how easily flustered you are. Still are. 

“There was just something, on your face” you lie, trying to play it off. 

“Then come get it”

“What?”

“Come get it off my face then” Jaehyun states as he stands up from his seat, waiting for you to do the same. 

You stand up, looking Jaehyun in the eyes, as he nods, signalling he meant what he said. Obviously, there isn’t anything on Jaehyun’s face but you’ve gotten yourself into this situation. You take a step forward to be directly in front of Jaehyun, your eye contact not once breaking. Your eyes move to Jaehyun’s cheek, where you decide to pretend to wipe. Grabbing onto Jaehyun’s forearm with one hand, you wipe his cheek with the other. 

“There” you whisper. Your bodies are dangerously close. Jaehyun has still not taken his strong gaze off of your face, causing the air between you to be heavy. Your eyes meet his again and you feel so small, so vulnerable, your stomach full of butterflies. 

“Back to work” Jaehyun announces, stepping past you and walking back to his desk, a smug smirk on his lips, leaving you in shock behind him. 

A couple of more hours pass by, and before you know it, it’s 12:30 am. Jaehyun sighs, taking off his glasses and pinching the bridge of his nose. “You can call your boyfriend or whoever to collect you if you don’t drive here yourself”. 

“Oh, i don’t have a boyfriend sir” you reply, internally slapping yourself for so unnecessarily announcing that. “I’ll be walking home sir”. 

Jaehyun looks up at you, his eyebrows knitted. “Don’t be ridiculous, you can’t walk home by yourself in the dark at nearly 1 am. I’ll drop you home” 

“No sir honestl-”

“I said i’ll drop you home” Jaehyun replies sternly. “No if’s or but’s”  

The drive home was short as you don’t live far, but none the less, it was awkward. Neither of you speaking, the only noise being the radio quietly playing, and the sound of the cars engine. 

“Thank you for the lift home sir” you smile gently, as you step out of the sleek, black, expensive sports car. 

“It’s no problem” Jaehyun replied, and you could have sworn you saw his lips turn up at the edges slightly. “I’ll see you Monday” and with that, he drove off into the night.  

The next week to come was surprisingly bearable. It’s Friday, and you’ve gotten through the week without any big issues with Jaehyun, no big arguments, no leaving work feeling like busting into tears. 

Just like last Friday, Jaehyun has asked you to stay behind with him for a few hours, to finish up everything before the weekend.

“Let’s take a break” Jaehyun announces as he stands up, stretching before moving over to the couch like last week. You assume just like last week, you have permission to sit on the couch with him, and so you do. 

“Did i say you could sit on the couch with me?” Jaehyun questions. 

“Oh sorry sir i-”

“I’m kidding, chill” he chuckles softly, something you certainly haven’t seen in four years. Something you missed so dearly. 

Jaehyun drapes his arm over the back of the couch, stretching it passed your shoulders. You turn your head away, nervous that he’ll see how red you are. 

“It’s nice to see you still blush over the smallest of things” Jaehyun teases, eyes on the view ahead of him, and to him, the view isn’t the city. 

“Do not” you pout, turning to look at him to see him already staring at you. 

“Cute” he simply says, tapping your pouted bottom lip with his finger. “But you were always cute” he continues, eyes locked on yours. 

He places his hand on your cheek, caressing it gently. “You were always cute, but i always found you so sexy, even now, you look so sexy for me every day. Make it so hard for me to concentrate baby. Always wearing those fucking skirts and dresses that drive me crazy. Then if that wasn’t enough, bending over in them right in my face baby. So naughty of you, distracting your boss like that”. 

Jaehyun’s eyes are dark, bold, looking at your shocked eyes. Were you hearing him correctly?

“Sir i-”

“Shh baby, no talking. Bosses orders” Jaehyun winked before kissing under your ear, sucking on it lightly. He remembers you love getting kissed here. His mouth moves lower on your neck, leaving open mouthed kisses in his trail, as he sucks harsh marks all over your neck. 

“S-sir, we shouldn’t be doing this” you whisper breathily, although your words contradict your actions as you grab Jaehyun’s toned thigh. He’s bulked up more since university. 

“Who’s the boss here baby?” Jaehyun asks against your neck.

“You sir”

“Mhmm, so listen to me like a good girl. I’m saying it’s okay, as long as you wan-”

“Oh course i want to” you cut him off, your voice a whisper. 

“Mmh, so needy for me, are you gonna be a needy slut for me?” Jaehyun questions, eyes now back on yours. 

You nod, feeling so small under Jaehyun’s burning eyes. That’s not enough for Jaehyun though. 

“Words princess” he says sternly, placing his pointer finger under your chin, ensuring all your attention is on him. 

“Yes sir” you whisper. 

That’s all Jaehyun needed to hear, as he pulls you in by the back of your neck, connecting your lips for the first time in four years. A small gasp escapes your lips the second he pulls you in, Jaehyun using that opportunity to slide his tongue into your mouth. He never changed, always impatient when you were kissing, adding tongue as soon as he possibly could. 

You move yourself to straddle Jaehyun’s lap, your lips never leaving each others, kissing each other with such hunger. “Mmh, you want me that bad huh?”

“Yes sir, so bad” you mumble against his lips. Jaehyun groans, lifting your skirt up to your waist to reveal your bare ass, a stringy thong the only thing covering it. 

“So sexy for me. Just me right?”

“Yes sir, only you, no one else” you breathe out. “Sir, can i please ride your thigh?” you ask shyly. 

Jaehyun places a chaste kiss on your lips, “how could i say no when you ask me so nicely doll?”

Jaehyun helps you to pull off your thong, leaving your lower half completely bare, before he places his hand on your waist helping you align your dripping heat with his thigh.

A soft moan escapes your lips the second your heat touches his thigh, before you even begin moving.

“Mmh i missed your pretty noises” Jaehyun whispers in your year, nibbling softly, his voice sensual, driving you crazy.

You place your hands on Jaehyun’s broad shoulders for support, before you slowly begin rocking yours hips against him, heavy breaths and whimpers escaping your lips.

Jaehyun can feel your wetness already through his slacks, proud of how wet you already are for him. “Good girl” he mutters against your neck, dragging at your shirt to have more space to suck on.

As you pick up your pace, you can’t help but throw your head back in pleasure, as Jaehyun flexed his thigh muscles underneath you. “Mmh sir, feels so good” you moan, as Jaehyun now unbottons your shirt, moving his mouth further and further down your chest, littering your skin in hickeys. Marking you as his.

You’re so lost in your pleasure, so close to coming undone that your pace slows down, not being able to push through the feeling of the knot forming in your stomach.

Jaehyun notices, grabbing your hips and pushing them back and forth quickly against his thigh, resulting in loud moans and swear words to spill out from your lips.

“F-fuck sir, i’m gonna cum fuck, feels so good, i need to cum sir, please let me cum for you”

Jaehyun moves his thumb to your sensitive clit, rubbing clockwise circles around it at a rapid pace, “cum for me baby girl, show me how much of a good slut you are for me”

He didn’t have to tell you twice, as you come undone on Jaehyun’s thigh, completely soaking his slacks. Jaehyun deciding to tease, continues to stimulate your clit after you came down from your high.

“F-fuck fuck fuck stop, sir i already came stop” you moan at the overstimulation. You forgot how much he loves it.

Jaehyun finally pulls away his hand, bringing his fingers to your lips and immediately shoving them in your mouth, allowing you to suck on them.

“You taste so good baby hmm?” Jaehyun states, more so than questions, as you nod your head in agreement. “Such a good little slut for me angel. I missed you so so much, did you miss me?” Jaehyun questions, as he unclasps your bra, throwing it on the floor before latching his mouth around and running his flat tongue over your hard, sensitive nipple, squeezing the other one between his fingers. 

“Mmh fuck sir, yes i missed you so so much” you moan, tangling your fingers in his hair and pulling on it, causing Jaehyun to release a small moan against your nipple, the vibrations causing your eyes to roll to the back of your head. 

“Sir” you moan, “this is so, wrong, so unprofessional”

“Fuck being professional” Jaehyun groans, lips still on your nipple.

Jaehyun moves back up to your lips, kissing them softly before whispering darkly, “I can’t wait to fill you up so good. Gonna make sure you can’t walk tomorrow doll”

“Sir please, fill me up, fuck me hard, i need you so badly” you whisper, need present in your voice. 

“So pretty and needy” Jaehyun coos, tucking a stand of hair behind your ear. “I can’t wait to hear you screaming for me”

With that Jaehyun practically rips his shirt off, pulling his slacks and boxers down almost as fast. You’re taken by surprise when Jaehyun grabs you in his arms, carrying your body back to his desk. Once he reaches the desk, you’re more surprised when he pushes everything off of his desk and onto the floor, placing you down on the desk. “Wanna make you feel so good baby girl” Jaehyun mutters against your neck, as he pumps himself in his hand.

“You always do” you whisper, pulling on his hair gently.

With no warning, Jaehyun aligns himself with you, snapping his hips inside of you, a scream leaving the back of your throat at his sudden action.

“Mmh fuck sir i forgot how big you are, how well you fill me up” you moan, pulling Jaehyun almost impossibly closer to you.

Jaehyun’s pace is ruthless, slamming his hips into you, filling the room with sounds of skin on skin and loud moans from the both of you. “So tight for me doll”

Jaehyun decides to change position, moving you from your seated position on his desk to having you bent over it, ass on perfect display for him. “So fucking sexy” he grunts, before pounding into you from behind, hitting your g spot with every strong thrust.

“F-fuck sir, feels so fucking good” you moan loudly, grabbing onto the desk for support as Jaehyun pounds into you mercilessly.

“You look so fucking good like this, bent over and needy for me. You need my cock so bad don’t you?” Jaehyun moans, his head throw back in pleasure, always finding great motivation in praise from you.

“Yes sir, fuck i need your cock so badly. No one fucks me like you do, you fill me up so good” you moan, knowing it’s driving him crazy.

“Fuck” Jaehyun moans out breathily, feeling his dick twitching inside of you. He knows he’s close.

Jaehyun grabs you by the ponytail, pulling you up so your back is against his, his pace not faltering for a second. Jaehyun’s hands immediately find their way to where they know you need them, one hand pinching your left nipple harshly, while the other hand is rubbing quick circles on your clit, your eyes rolling back in your head in pleasure.

“F-fuck sir i’m gonna c-cum fuck” you moan, grabbing onto Jaehyun’s forearm, looking for any sort of support.

Jaehyun groans in your ear, “mmh cum for me pretty girl” and that’s all it took for you to come undone. Both you and Jaehyun fill the room with moans, as you release your loads together, fucking each other through your highs. You feel weak as you grab onto Jaehyun with all you can. You always enjoyed sex with Jaehyun, but this, this was nothing you’ve ever experienced before.

Jaehyun places a soft kiss on your forehead, “let’s lay down, mhm?” Jaehyun questions, to which you nod in response, not recovered enough to give him a proper answer.

Jaehyun carried you in his arms back to the couch, before laying you both down, cuddling you in his arms. “You did so good for me my angel” Jaehyun whispers sweet words of praise as he runs a hand through your hair.

“I missed you a lot sir” you reply, looking at him with a soft smile. You really did miss him, but you can’t help but be thankful for how things worked out all those years ago. Everything happens for a reason, and who would have know what would have happened if that day didn’t go how it did. You may have never gotten to meet Jaehyun as a fully grown and matured adult.

“Don’t be silly my baby, you know it’s Jaehyun” he replies, a loving smile on his lips.

“I know your name is Jaehyun obviously but you wanted me to call you sir” you pout.

“I did, because it’s professional. But, i will let you in on a little secret. I have every one else call me Mr Jung” Jaehyun chuckles softly, placing a kiss to your nose as you scrunch it up.

“Why do you make me call- oh” you blush, realising why he makes you and no one else call him sir.

“You know i always liked it when you called me that” he teases, poking at your side, causing you to roll your eyes.

There’s silence for a few minutes before Jaehyun finally speaks up, “hey y/n?”

“Mhm?” you reply, drawing little love hearts on Jaehyun’s chest. 

“Did you mean it when you said i have an average sized dick?” 

“What?”

“The last time we fucked, and you were angry at me, you told me my dick was average sized”

“You fucking dork” you giggle slapping his chest lightly, “how did you even remember that?”

“It bruised my ego” Jaehyun replies jokingly.

“Well tell your dick’s bruised ego that it’s much bigger than average” you giggle against his chest

“Will do” Jaehyun replies, a small chuckle leaving his lips. 

This time, it’s you that breaks the silence that washes over you “I really did miss you” you pout against his chest. “I like this. A lot”

“Yeah?” Jaehyun questions.

“Yeah” you reply. “I like having sex with you, i like cuddling with you, i like joking with you, i like talking with you”

“Well then, i guess i’m gonna have to correct my past mistakes and act on it, hmm?”

You look up at Jaehyun, seeing his genuine eyes. “You want to act on it?” you ask, looking at Jaehyun with doe eyes.

“There’s nothing i want more than for us to work out. The day you started hating me, i hated myself. I never forgave myself for losing you, before i could even call you mine. I’m not going to let that happen again. Life brought us back together, and this time, i’m not letting you go”

4 years later

“Ah Mr and Ms Jung, welcome back from the honeymoon” you receptionist happily exclaims, as you and Jaehyun walk hand and hand into the company building. 

“Thank you very much” Jaehyun smiles appreciatively. 

“Was it a nice break?” 

“It was beautiful” you reply “it was so nice to get away for a week, leave work behind. But we’re back and have our company to run” you giggle. 

“Mhmm, all three of us” Jaehyun smiles, wrapping his arms around you from behind and placing them on your stomach, where the tiniest bump has made itself present. 

Your receptionist gasp, eyes glowing with excitement, “You don’t mean you’re expecting, do you?”

“We are! Baby Jung will be making an appearance in a few months” you smile, placing your hands atop of Jaehyun’s, your fingers playing with his wedding ring. 

A lot has changed in the last four years. After this crazy world dragged you back together, you and Jaehyun worked perfectly. Dating not only the love of your life, but also your best friend was the easiest thing to do. Within only a few months of dating, you moved into Jaehyun’s apartment with him, which a meek year and a half later turned into you both buying a house together. 

With the company expanding rapidly, and Jaehyun deciding he wants you to be his forever, Jaehyun gave you half the company. He knew he couldn’t handle it all on his own anymore, and he knew that you both balanced each other out, one of you always bringing something to the table that the other didn’t, making you perfect to be ceo’s together. 

As soon as he signed over your half of the company to you, he was quick in proposing to you, wanting to make you each others officially for the rest of your lives. Three weeks before the wedding you were both blessed with finding out that baby Jung was going to be with you in nine months time, the news putting you both on cloud nine. 

The wedding was a beautiful, expensive and elegant day. Very you and Jaehyun. You celebrated the day with close friends, family and work associates, and you could never in a million years have dreamed of how magical the day was. Now, here you are sat where you and Jaehyun’s second chapter began, on the couch in the office, looking out at the beautiful view of the city. 

“Good to be back?” Jaehyun questions, as you lay your head on his shoulder, his arm wrapped around you. 

“Very good” you reply squeezing his free hand. 

“Who would have thought this would be our life, huh?” Jaehyun states, a lazy smile on his face, mind replaying all the memories you’ve made together. 

“I know” you sigh contently, “who would have thought?” 

“I love you Ms Jung”

“I love you too Mr Jung” 

With that Jaehyun leans in and presses a gentle kiss on your lips, which ends up turning into a slightly more heated make out session. Jaehyun hums in satisfaction as he brings one hand to squeeze your covered boob, causing you to pull away. 

“My Jung” you dramatically gasp, “that’s not very professional of you”

[salamoonder]

Alright, so here’s the thing. At this point, I actually don’t care what Artagan has or hasn’t done and, morally, what that means. It’s irrelevant. Interesting, but irrelevant. What I want to talk about is what the Nein, excluding Jester, know about him, and what they do with this information, and how they cast judgment.

Here are things that the nein have actually seen: fleeting glimpses of a figure in a green cloak. one conversation with a giant archfey who has recruited jester’s help in planning a convention. further, fleeting glimpses. very very brief phrases.

Here are things that the nein have heard about him from jester: he’s pretty cool, you guys :) . he’s got a chaotic streak, like her. he helps her pull off pranks. he’s always shown up for her. he’s handsome. he taught her magic. he kept her company when her mom was busy. he is her first friend. he is her best friend. he is her oldest friend. she really loves him.

and yes, they know he misrepresented himself to jester for years. they know he sent them to an island where you lose your memory every night. they know that he is sketchy as fuck and they do not know if he means what he says. and that is reasonable and understandable and fair.

here is something that i don’t know if you guys know about abusers, regardless of if artagan is one or not. (and he’s not. i’m not even going to say i don’t think he is, he literally is not abusive. words mean something; stop throwing them around because you personally don’t like someone.) you cannot tell their victims that they are abusive or awful or manipulative or horrible, and expect that to help. that makes it worse. the same is true of cults. you cannot, and i mean CANNOT, make yourself hostile, because then the outside world is hostile, and the abuser is safe. the outside world is hostile, and the cult is safe. furthermore you’re reinforcing what every abuser and what every cult plants in their victim’s heads--i’m the only one who would put up with you. i’m the only one who really loves you. everyone else will be cruel to me, but i’m the only thing you have. even if the nein had reason to suspect that the traveler was straight up abusing jester instead of just weird and shady, that is not a good response.

no matter how bad artagan is or isn’t, fjord, caduceus, and beau are still being condescending. they are still failing to trust that jester knows what she’s talking about. they are still trying to coddle her, they are still treating her like a child, and i want to talk about that. i want y’all to see that they’re still treating her like she’s emotionally fragile. like individually, i want to talk about that, and also the fact that everyone seems to want to lump caleb into this. (and yasha?? yasha has barely said anything about him, y’all.)

i’m going to skim over caduceus a bit because i don’t think his is a jester-centric problem. he tends to just trust that he either has the correct answers to a situation, or that even if he doesn’t know what’s correct, he knows what isn’t. this arc has been very interesting, because it’s been a lot of “i’ll play along with this because it sounds intriguing, but i’m going to be very self righteous about it the whole time.” like. the “we’re good” when jester brought up transferring followers to melora is haunting me. why “we’re good”? i get cad’s philosophy that not everyone is going to flock to one god--that’s fine, that makes sense. but the implication of “we’re good” really makes it sound like “mmm no thanks, none of these people would end up in my cool and correct religion anyway.” because he doesn’t know! he doesn’t know if any of these people would actually be happier and better off with melora. or. maybe he does know, or has decided, that they wouldn’t be, because these are not the kind of people that he could see himself falling under the same moral umbrella as. (lmao love how i said i was going to skim. anyway. again, less a jester thing, more a “cad is smug about everything” thing tbh.)

let’s move to fjord. he is quite honestly making me almost more uncomfortable than beau, because he’s making statements that i don’t really actually believe. “we just don’t want you to get hurt” is all very well and good. coupling that with agreeing with beau that they shouldn’t leave jester alone with artagan? without telling jester? does not jive. (i’m still not over the ridiculous of that, by the way. yeah this dude--no, this ARCHFEY, who could snap you in half in a moment--has been alone with her regularly for the first 20ish years of her life but now, now he’s going to try and kill her, and you’re going to be the one to stop that.) fjord keeps saying things like this--that he trusts her--but he doesn’t actually act like it. at one point he even says “if jester has faith in the traveler, that’s good enough for me, i suppose.” but it’s not, and he doesn’t act like it is. you know who actually acts like that? caleb. caleb’s getting his own paragraph though this is getting long as fuck. but if fjord actually meant that? he would’ve told beau “listen i know this situation is sketchy and i don’t like him anymore than you do but because i trust jester i also trust that she knows what she’s doing here, and i’ll be there to back her up with whatever she needs/wants me to do”. but he did not say that or anything like that. instead he agreed with beau to essentially be bodyguarding jester--without consulting jester about it at all. he wouldn’t have told jester “he’s generally full of shit, right?” about the traveler. jester is continually telling the group over and over again that she knows what he’s like. she knows Exactly how he can be. and the sad thing is, if fjord actually believed that she knew what she was talking about when she said that and if he believed that he could actually talk to her frankly and not that her feelings had to be protected at all costs (my skin is still crawling at “we don’t wanna ruin jester’s special day”. it’s not a five year old’s birthday party), then he would have straight up told her. he would have said “hey we’re concerned enough that he’s going to hurt you that we don’t think you should be alone with him. can we help guard against that?”

and i’ll be honest, i’ve kind of been squicked out by all the romantic posts about fjord and jester because he’s spent the last few episodes genuinely treating her like a wonderful but vulnerable child who needs to be protected from the world. when he told beau "I'm probably the least clued in as to how jester feels” i was like YEAH NO SHIT. and i know he meant it in a romantic sense but i feel that it’s true in general. like i get that he’s scared to talk to her. that’s fine. he doesn’t have to talk to her about her feelings, romantic or otherwise. but if he’s acknowledging that he does not at all know how she feels then he has no right to behave as if he does know. and again i don’t mean this in a romantic sense. i mean it in a, he is making the assumption that she can’t handle reasoned criticism of the traveler to her face, kind of sense. he and beau both are opting for “random insults, threats, and judgments they have decided apply” over “genuinely this is why we are concerned”. there has been a lot of “you don’t need him” and “you are better off without him” and “you’re better than him” and “you have us why do you need that” and those are judgement statements that are essentially meaningless. all they do is further demonstrate to jester that they don’t actually understand why she’s upset or what she actually wants.

i think caleb, mr i-eat-encyclopedias-for-breakfast, likely just has a better intellectual understanding of the fae and that may be why he’s not as outwardly concerned as the rest, but he’s also actually decided to trust jester that she knows what she’s dealing with. she has demonstrated both verbally and with her actions that even if she may not have known about artagan initially, She Knows How This Works. and he trusts that. caleb truly went “alright, i trust that you know what you’re doing, where do you need me” and that was IT. i’m not saying that he’s not allowed to be suspicious or concerned or wary of the traveler: i just don’t think he is. and i hate that people keep lumping him in with the rest of the nein “treating jester like a child” because they think he’s predatory or something--especially as caleb and fjord are pretty much the same age--when he is literally the only FUCKING person consistently asking jester how she feels and then actually acting accordingly.

and the thing is, you don’t have to be caleb and largely unconcerned, it is actually possible for you to show concern and alarm and wariness for your friend’s best friend without condescending to them and veth has been doing that this whole damn time. we know how she feels about him; she decidedly does not like him. but she set that aside to really fully listen to jester and then tried to be helpful to her in deciding what to do next, without inserting her own opinion. veth is the only one acknowledging that, sure, this looks really bad and i don’t like that guy, but you know him best, jester, and you know yourself best and so it should be your choice what to do in this situation. she reminds jester--if he is really a friend to you, and he is doing things you don’t like, then you can talk to him about that and he should listen. i want to talk about how when jester suggested that artagan join the mighty nein, there were exactly three reactions. extremely lame excuses from everyone but caleb and veth, “maybe, like, an annex--” from caleb, because he knows what everyone else is gonna say, and “we don’t like your friend” from veth, literally the only person who has apparently decided that jester can hear that without dissolving into a puddle or something.

and i want to make it clear--i don’t hate the actors. and stories are supposed to make you upset and uncomfortable, to an extent. they’re supposed to make you think. you’re not supposed to be happy when darth vader blows up alderaan. you’re not supposed to be happy when edmund betrays his siblings to the white witch. these are all excellent, excellent character choices and i applaud the cast for making them. and i don’t hate fjorester. and like yeah there have been a lot of cute moments in the last few eps. and they are cute and their story is compelling and it’s interesting. but i wish people would stop acting like fjord’s attitude towards her is perfect and lovely and that he trusts her sooo much when he is going behind her back like this. i am...the biggest widomauk shipper. and i have to admit my heart does the swoopy thing every time i rewatch the forehead kiss. but that wasn’t great. it was overall really not a good read or handle of the situation. it was, there was an attempt. and i do think fjord is trying. and i think beau is trying too. and i think all of their attitudes however terrible just come from a place of loving her and wanting to protect her. but--and here i must point frantically back at artagan--loving someone does not mean that you’re not hurting them.

[greenninjagal-blog]

The Rumor Mill Game (pt4)

I swear I didn’t forget about this au. This chapter is just....long.

Welcome back to this mess of an au :) If you need a refresher, you can find Part Three [here!] Or if you’re new check out the first part [here!]

Summary: Logan is...dealing with the fallout of him and his coworker, Remus, having created a rumor about them being married and now apparently having a kid except not because Logan screamed at the top of his lungs that Virgil wasn’t his kid. His boss has a different definition for what “dealing” actually means. 

Words: 8292 (Holy shit remember when this au was 2k words)

Read on Ao3 || My General Writing Masterlist

When Logan had seen his boss after he made Virgil cry, he hadn’t expected it to end up like this.

Granted when he hadn’t exactly been expecting anything. He hadn’t been looking ahead, hadn’t been making plans, hadn’t been thinking at all. Which was most likely how he ended up outside the bar in the first place. 

Logan could, of course, count the number of times he had been drunk on one hand. College had been a time for experimenting, and of course for his twenty-first birthday his friends at the time had been insistent that he needed to imbibe an unholy amount of alcohol in one night. They had turned it into an experiment, where Logan documented exactly what he was feeling after each drink and he still had the notes in his desk at home, despite the fact that his handwriting had become illegible after the fifth drink and someone had spilled an orange soda based tonic on the third page. The notes themselves were worthless, but they served as a memoir to people who he no longer associated with and a younger version of himself who had still been learning.

And Logan did have a soft spot for that imbecile: Twenty-one-year-old Logan Ackroyd who still believed in the goodness of people and who wanted to change the world and who could fall in lov--

Logan pitied him-- that kid he used to be-- which he was certain that his younger self would be indignant about. Logan always did hate when people pitied him. Those emotions had rarely ever been genuine, rarely ever been helpful, rarely been productive. What was he to do about people feeling bad for him? About others being disappointed? About others making assumptions about him and how he felt?

He didn’t need pity, and he didn’t want it. Not when he got rejected to his first three colleges, not when flunked that English class and had to pay to retake it the next year, not when he had bought that ring and gotten down on one knee and made a whole carefully edited speech and--

And he’s not nearly drunk enough to deal with these types of thoughts. Or any thoughts for that matter. Wouldn’t it just be great to stop thinking? 

Then he wouldn’t have to remember the looks on his coworkers faces when he storming into the office less than fifteen minutes after initially leaving for lunch and demanded that Beatrice turn in her overdue spreadsheets in twenty minutes or he’d have her fired before slamming his office door hard enough to crack that frosted glass, or the look on Remus- fucking- Prince’s face when he tried to act like everything that had happened was not his fault and that Logan had taken the game to far by himself without any sort of prompting from Remus, or the look on Virgil’s face when Logan lost his self control.

Like an idiot. Like an asshole. Like someone who doesn’t think before he acts.

Like someone who should be alone for the rest of his life, because he can’t seem to get a hold of those useless emotions of his. 

And Logan wanted so very badly to blame Remus Prince for this whole endeavor, the whole production, the whole catastrophe. He wanted to say that without Remus he never would have gotten that angry, wouldn’t have had that conversation, wouldn’t have even gotten Thai today. 

Logan wanted to say that, but really it's his own fault. If he had just dismissed Remus’s rumor in the beginning, if he had just told Jen and Quin that his personal business was his own, if he had just ignored the urge to get coffee and finished the spreadsheets without getting up that last night.

His fourth finger itched around the base, the area where that little silver ring had been sitting for less than a day. It was ridiculous, utterly ridiculous, because Logan had never worn a ring before and now suddenly the absence of it caused his skin to crawl in a most unpleasant, unproductive way. 

Distantly Logan realized that by gifting Remus such a wonderful present, he had also thrown away four hundred dollars. And perhaps ironically Logan noted that he feels annoyed about it-- four hundred dollars had been sitting in a pocket of a dress jacket in the corner of his office for over nine months and he had tossed it aside in a fit of impulsive anger.

Logan had not been hurting for money recently, with how decently he was paid, and the amount of overtime he worked, and how little time he had taken off since that disastrous night.

But perhaps he might have been able to return it to the jewelers and weathered the terrible, awful pitying looks they would give him when he requested about their refund policy or a location where he might be able to sell it himself. It was a ring that was worth four hundred dollars and he had given it to Remus, and isn’t it funny that that’s farther than he got with the one for whom the ring had been originally intended?

And as Logan downed his next rum and coke of the night, he hoped that Remus found a better use for it. Newton knows it hadn't done any good for Logan. 

(Its stupid, Logan knew, to blame a ring for the way that he had screeched “He’s not and never will be our son!” Its stupid, Logan knew, to blame a ring for the way that Remus had hummed mischievously “I think I enjoy being fake-married to you, Logan." Its stupid, Logan knew, to blame a ring for the the way his last partner had said “We should see other people”. Its stupid, stupid, stupid--)

“Hmmm,” A voice behind him said, “I thought I would find you here!”

Logan didn’t realize he had closed his eyes until he heard the voice and felt every atom in his body figuratively threaten to combust. He wasn’t drunk enough to be thinking about him, and he most certainly wasn’t drunk enough to turn and look at the incessantly, perky man that had decided to sit down next to him.

Logan waved at the bartender and ordered another rum and coke and watched his freshly emptied glass disappear like the handful of others he didn’t bother to keep count of.

“And I’ll have two waters, please!” Patton Hart added with one of his peppy, happy, insufferable laughs, before turning to face Logan. “Hiya, Lo! It's been so long since we’ve seen each other!”

“Not long enough,” Logan disagreed, with a rueful smile that should very clearly, very precisely detail how much he does not want company at the current moment. “Don’t you have things to be doing tonight, Mr. Hart?”

Patton hummed, pressing his lips together as he thought-- a monumental task for someone like him, surely. Logan was partially convinced that if he removed his glasses he might be able to see the squirrels beginning to run on that rusted wheel in the other man’s brain. If Logan was of a less logical mind he might even be brazen enough to call this the first time Patton had used his brain all week.

“Well,” Patton said, carefully settling himself on the stool next to Logan. “I was graciously informed by my son that he would be enjoying the perks of being a teenager with no bedtime tonight and along with where exactly I could shove my homemade lasagna.” He laughed lightly, “Kids, these days! He really does keep me on my toes!” 

Logan did his best not to roll his eyes. “I do not know the whereabouts of your son, Mr. Hart.”

“Patton,” He said easily, “And I’m not here for my son. I’m here for you, Logan.”

“If this is about the glass in my door, you are very capable of taking that out of my paycheck.” Logan told him.

The bartender placed Logan’s new rum and coke in front of him and he reached for it almost immediately, only stopping when Patton’s hand landed on his forearm.

“Mr. Hart--”

“Patton,” Patton corrected with that smile that Logan suspected was the worst thing in the world. Worse than Virgil’s blank expression when he told them to get out, worse than Remus’s smug one when he suggested that Logan did indeed enjoy the ability to manipulate his coworkers, worse than Beatrice faulty excel sheets, than broken glass of his door, than a ring he never wanted to see again and yet he still felt like it was missing from his finger.

“Mr. Hart,” Logan said again, “I am going to get horrifically drunk tonight, and I will be calling out sick tomorrow, regardless of what you say. So my advice to you is, say anything of importance now, before I am too incoherent to register and respond accordingly.”

“That doesn’t sound too smart there, kiddo!” Patton said, like he was any older than Logan was.

“I do not feel like being smart right now,” Logan said snippily. Because being smart involved thinking, and Logan had done quite enough thinking for the day. He was tired of thinking, tired of memories, tired of the lump in his chest that had formed during his lunch break and hadn’t dissolved in the eight hours since. He was tired.

“Would you like me to be smart for you?” Patton asked.

Ah.

Yes, Logan remembered suddenly with just a few words why he hated Patton Hart so much. Why he hated those too-wide brown eyes, those stupid freckles, that soft smile. Why he hated the way that Patton had tracked him down despite the fact that he had turned off his phone, the way that Patton had ordered two waters, the way that he hadn’t taken off his jacket. The way that he had taken out his keys and put them on the bar counter between them and Logan could pick out his own house key from the jumbled mess of bits and bobs.

“I heard something pretty interesting today,” Patton said, when Logan didn’t reply because he was too busy remembering why he hated Patton so much.

“Please don’t pretend like you didn’t know about my so-called affair before I did.” Logan snapped. “Honestly, Patton!” Logan dropped his arm from the glass and instead pressed his knuckles to his forehead. “Playing dumb about your own company is my least favroite thing about you.”

“I thought you hated my laugh the most.” Patton looked at him, letting the smile slip into something more serious.

“I hate everything about you.” 

“Pay for the drinks, Lo.” Patton told him, “And I’ll take you home. We can have some of my lasagna and watch a space documentary, like we’re twenty years old again.” 

Logan hated Patton and hated the way his chest ached at the offer. His knuckles bore into the side of his head, jabbing the frame of his own glasses into this temple. He hated the way that Patton was looking at him, soft and sweet and naive.

He hated the way his fingers itched to take Patton’s hand and go home.

“And after all that,” Patton continued so lightly, “You can tell me all about how Remus Prince got under your skin.”

 Logan’s hand slammed on the counter, so suddenly he surprised himself. Patton, however, didn’t flinch, didn’t even blink, didn’t react other than to hold that smile. 

“I am not drunk enough to be talking about Remus Prince,” Logan spat. “Especially not to you, Patton.”

Patton was quiet and at first, Logan really had thought that he had won something-- he thought that perhaps Patton would grant him mercy and let him drown his sorrows alone and miserable in a bar until he forgot his own name. But Patton was too good of a friend and Logan really should hate him less for that.

“You know,” Patton said with a cold type of humor that doused Logan with awareness. Bad awareness. The type of awareness that sunk it’s metaphorical claws into Logan’s chest and pierced straight through his heart before Patton finished what he was saying. “I think….yeah that does sound familiar. Do you remember the last time you said you weren’t drunk enough to tell me something?”

Logan did.

Logan couldn’t forget if he tried. 

And he had tried so very hard for so very long-- except that Remus Prince had waltzed into Logan’s life, had called him a Robot, had smirked at him and run their coworkers around like cattle with pretty little words. Except that Remus Prince had gotten bored and decided that the only logical next course of action was to mess with Logan’s personal life. 

Except that Remus Prince had played along with the rumor game, and smiled at him, and kissed him, and---

And Logan had started thinking---

And Logan’s mouth had started moving--

And Virgil face had--

Logan reached for the glass in front of him, reaching for the cool ice and the spritzy carbonation and the burn of the rum.  

Patton watched him, blinking in the long, slow, dumb way of his that had fooled just about every person that he had come in contact with. With the goofy smile and the habit of deliberately misunderstanding key phrases and making puns and jokes when things were tense, it was hard to see him as anything other than a rich son who became CEO via thinly veiled nepotism. 

Logan knocked back the drink, blinking back the burn behind his eyes that were from the alcohol and definitely not from the lump in his throat that had started dissolving.

He didn’t want to close his eyes, because he knew what he would see when he did: a nice suit, a fancy dinner, a walk to the bridge dotted with fairy lights of all things. He’d see that stupid ring, that stupid face, that stupid end of the night that everyone had told him would be nice, and perfect, and everything he would ever want! 

And he didn’t want to think about how it had not been nice or perfect or anything either of them had ever wanted!

He didn’t want to think about how years ago he had come to a bar just like this, and tried to get so drunk he could pretend that it hadn’t happened, and Patton had shown up then and offered him a job and--

“He wants to go by Janus now,” Patton said, picking up one of the waters and taking a sip.

Logan squinted at him and tried not to be happy about the distraction from his own thoughts, “Who?”

“My son,” Patton said, like it was obvious he had switched back to a neutral topic. “He told me earlier during our phone call he wants to go by Janus, now. He said he’s hated the name Dante for forever. Can you believe it, Lo?”

Logan couldn’t actually. Because he had known Patton since they themselves were teenagers, since before Patton had brought up how empty being a CEO was without anyone to come home too, since Patton had first invited him to Sunday brunch and introduced him to the child he called “son”. Logan had babysat Dante when Patton had business trips and Dante had always been proud of himself, of his better-than-the-status-quo lifestyle, of his name that held power and prestige and weight.

Dante had been practicing saying his name in the mirror since before his voice cracked. Dante Hart, future CEO. Dante Hart, son of Patton Hart. Dante Hart. 

“He’s a teenager,” Logan said, “He’s rebelling.”

“Maybe so!” Patton laughed, and it dwindled down to something that was easier felt in the air than definable in terms Logan was familiar with, “Gosh, I love him so much, Lo. My baby! He’s growing up so fast now! The other day he told me he had a boyfriend. He’s at that stage where he doesn’t want me to help him anymore!”

And despite the buffoon having not had a single drop of alcohol, Patton was tearing up. Logan gritted his teeth at the implications of a weepy, teary, so-full-of-emotions Patton. He had spent enough time in college trying to console him as he figured out the whole “Why does it always have to be about sex? Why can’t I just love hugging someone, Lo? Why does everyone make me feel so broken?” Logan hadn’t been any good back then, and he definitely hadn’t gotten better with time. 

After that disaster with the last guy, Logan had decided that feeling things, frivolous things, emotion-like things, were not something he was into anymore.

Logan learned from his mistakes, after all.

Even the mistakes that started with “R” and ended in a $400 ring being thrown away.

“Is that why you’re here, Mr. Hart?” Logan asked, in that way of his that told even Patton with his squirrel run brain that it wasn’t actually a question at all. “You can’t baby your son anymore so you’ve moved on to the next best thing?”

Patton stuck his tongue in his cheek and set his water back down. “Patton.” He stressed. “And I’m not here to baby you, Logan. I’m here to be your friend.”

He said “friend” like it was a word in the dictionary Logan didn’t know. It was infuriating: the insinuation that Logan had never cracked open a dictionary before, that he was so unknowledgeable about the concept of a friend that Patton was about to show him the online Oxford dictionary definition, like someone who played dumb all day and peppered his windows with sticky notes in the shape of a game of Frogger knew more about something than Logan who had clawed his way up from nothing and was constantly needing to prove how he earned his position.

Patton nudged the second water in Logan’s direction.

Logan stared at it, at the condensation on the glass, at the ice cubes, at the refraction of the low lights from the bar counter. He stared at it like it was a portal back through time that would allow him to slam some sense into poor, pitiful twenty-one-years-old Logan before he let himself fall in Love.

Before he bought a ring or stopped taking days off unless Patton tromped down to his office himself. Before Remus Prince borrowed his cup and before Logan got it in his head that he was serving revenge rather than idiocracy. Before he let himself think too little and say too much and hurt a kid that had never deserved to be upset before in his life.

“If my son wants to be called Janus, I’ll call him that,” Patton says softly. “Because even if it doesn’t make sense to me, it means something to him. And even if my friend is struggling with emotions that don’t make sense to me, I’m still gonna try to help him, Lo.”

Patton ducked his head just a little, just enough that he managed to catch Logan’s strategically averted gaze and make something out of it: a swell of guilt, a sense of hope, a pinch of safety and unadulterated kindness.

His throat was dry, but it was the type of dry that couldn’t be fixed with a glass of water.

“I made a kid cry,” Logan said, because self loathing is a coat he had thought he’d outgrown but he can still fit his arms in the sleeves.

Patton nodded. “Yeah, I heard about that.” He sipped his water. “I think we all have at one point or another.”

“See, the distinct difference that you are missing here, Patton, is that you are a father.” Logan snapped, “And your son will cry at the drop of a hat if he thinks he can get something out of it. And you would never harm a child! Not for any reason in the entire world!”

“And you would?”

“I did.” Logan felt himself sink into the chair, sink like an anchor in the ocean, sink like the floor below him had turned into a blackhole. “I did, I did it. What type of person does that make me?”

“I hate to break it to you, Lo,” Patton said, as kindly as he could, which Logan knew was truly, sickenly nice. He wanted to choke on the sentiment but he found that he couldn’t quite make his chest hurt the way he wanted it too when it came to Patton’s pity.

 “But that just means you’re a normal person.” Patton smiled dumbly, tilting his head and shrugging. “Everyone says things they don’t mean sometimes.”

“You don’t.”

“I do,” Patton countered gently, “Like when I hired Beatrice before realizing that she had lied about knowing how to use Excel.”

“Fuck, Beatrice,” Logan agreed, because if he closed his eyes too hard he thought he might still see grid patterns as much as he might see Virgil’s hurt expression and he hated it so much. So much. 

“I also told-- Janus once that I would get him anything he wanted for his birthday, and he asked for a snake.” Patton shuddered, almost comically, “And you saw how that turned out.”

“I’ve always been impressed with his ability to sneak things into the school buildings,” Logan sighed. “I doubt anyone has ever forgotten that Show-and-Tell.”

Patton chuckled quietly. It was almost lost in the buzz of the other patrons in the bar. He drew a smiley face in the condensation on his glass and Logan reached over to wipe it away, like he had done a hundred seventeen times since college.

“So….Lasagna?” Patton offered. “We can make some garlic bread too.”

“I regret ever meeting you,” Logan said, even as he picked up the keys on the counter between them. He wished that Patton didn’t look so self satisfied, so pleased, so smug when the words tumbled from his lips, but Patton had never been one to pertain to the wishes and whims of Logan like that.

Settling his tab was quick; a pile of bills from his wallet that he didn’t actually check, but decided the bartender deserved anyway and then Patton linked their elbows together so that Logan couldn’t walk off the way that he used to when he would agree with Patton just to get him to shut up. Logan snagged Patton’s glasses from his head and fogged them up with his breath, before taking on the tedious task of cleaning the fingerprints off the lens meticulously while walking in a wobbling straight line. 

Patton laughed like silver bells and it alone brightened the entire street with a type of magic that Logan had long since given up on trying to scientifically explain. The poet in him that Logan had buried under Calculus classes and Statistics courses and a Business degree and only let out when the alcohol out weighed the blood in his system, whispered that it was because it was Patton and his aloofness, and his kindness, and his generosity that never made any sense, and wasn’t that reason enough for the universe to lighten up?

It was drizzling outside, scattered raindrops and dark heavy clouds that whispered of a thunderstorm later. Patton skipped, Logan rolled his eyes and let himself be dragged towards the familiar pale blue punch buggy. It was the same exact car from their college time together, if one ignored the frankenstein replacements of just about every single component in it. Patton clung to the car the same way he had clung to the delusion of Logan being a good friend; sticking close through every breakdown, excusing every letdown, and spending far too much money on it when economically it would have been more beneficial to just let them go.

A wave of self loathing wrapped over Logan again when he pulled on the car door. Patton was genuinely a good person, a good friend. He was stupid at times and he made decisions that made Logan was to strangle him, but he cared so much more than other people. He offered fourth and fifth chances when Logan would have stone-walled his offender at one. 

Not to mention, he had come out in the rain to find Logan specifically, probably traversing through three other bars to find the one that Logan had chosen to be his misery echo chamber.

By some sort of lucky happenstance, Logan had originally walked far enough to hail a taxi  to get to this bar, leaving his car in the safety of the parking garage where Patton’s company paid a nice sum for security. Logan had tried to argue about that expense with him back in the day, but Patton had pulled out a picture of his toothy grinning son-- Janus-- and said “Lo!! What if my son comes to visit when he learns to drive?! I don’t want to worry about him getting attacked in the parking garage!” 

Logan had brutally pointed out that his son would never visit him during work, and so far he had been correct in that assessment, but that didn’t stop him from feeling the slightest bit guilty about his bluntness even so much time later.

Patton had always looked for the best in people, had more strength than most of humanity, had more hope in happy endings that Logan had trust in fact and numbers.

“Is your son okay with me calling him Janus? I’m unsure of etiquette on this. Should I wait until he tells me his preference or should I just make the switch and not bring it up to him?” Logan asked with a sigh as Patton pulled out of the parking spot and set them towards Patton’s house on the other side of town. Unobstructed and following the driving laws, it would only take them about fifteen minutes, and yet Logan wondered about the possibility of Patton having Advil in the car.

The back of his head was already aching from the days events: banging his head on the keyboard all morning leading up to his disastrous lunch date, Remus, Virgil, squinting at spreadsheets until he couldn’t make out the numbers anymore, and the of course stumbling his way to the bar and dealing with Patton.

Patton giggled. “Oh yeah! I asked him earlier if it was okay to tell you. He said he wanted you to call him Janus now. He also said to tell you, you can take a hike.”

Knowing Janus, it was probably something more volatile than “taking a hike”. Most likely it had been something that might have required him to put a full five dollars in the swear jar that they kept on the counter next to the cookie jar. Not that it would matter much. Logan had stayed over at their house dozens of times and every single time he had come across Janus taking that money back out of that swear jar.

As far as Logan was aware, the swear jar had never actually been full. Patton must have noticed at some point-- probably that very first time Janus had taken the money back out-- but he was irritating insistent that he play dumb about it. Thus, Janus continued to swear in excess, Patton continued to make him put money in a swear jar for no real reason, and Logan continued to never understand either of them.

The radio in Patton’s car had been broken fifteen times since Patton had gotten it, but Logan assumed from the silence of the drive that it was now sixteen. He rested his elbow on the window and watched the drizzle turn into a steady rain and the windshield wipers flutter across their vision to occasionally bring them clarity.

The night life was somewhat dreary. The driving pace was slow, and they hit every single stop light in the city because that was just Logan’s luck. There were a few people running around in the rain: a family with a small child who was jumping in every slowly forming puddle on the sidewalk, a couple sharing an umbrella walking so close together they appeared as if to be one misshapen form, a group of friends chatting outside a 24 hour dinner in raincoats, and a few smokers huddled under an alcove with embers burning just enough for Logan to make out their forms through the downpour. 

Logan realized almost immediately that the pit in his stomach was much more bearable if he instead focused on the raindrops on the window that are much easier to look at, much less representing something that Logan had always expected he might one day have, much less accusatory in wondering what is wrong with him that he can’t act like a normal human being, this isn’t working, who wants to marry a robot like you--

That was the reason why he wasn’t expecting the sudden jerk of the car coming to a hard stop at a yellow light that they absolutely could have made. 

“PATTON!” Logan yelled.

The car behind them blared it’s horn and Logan rubbed his neck and reset his glasses from the sudden movement, ready to question what exactly Patton thought he was doing, because truly of all the things Logan was not in the mood for, this was one of them. 

Except that before Logan could get any words out, Patton had put the car in park and whipped off his seatbelt to kick open his door. A wave of rain came pouring into the car as the man threw himself from the driver's seat like there was something wrong with the car, and for a second Logan entertained the absurd idea that they were going to blow up.

Which truly, would have just been a fitting end to his horrific day.

“Patton!” Logan hissed, grabbing after the other’s coat to pull him back inside before the rain soaked into the seats. “Get back in th--”

The other man ignored him, frantically waving to someone in the rain. “REMUS!! MR. PRINCE!! OVER HERE!!”

If Logan knew slightly less about human biology he might have been inclined to say that his heart jumped straight to his throat and climbed its way up his esophagus to strangle him. He wouldn’t have recognized the figure on the street corner on his own: Remus Prince was wearing a black leather jacket and jeans with holes in the knees. He was soaked to the bone, without an umbrella, and his usual bouncy brown curls were matted to his head, as if he had been walking out in the rain for much longer than the rain had been sweeping through the city.

He was standing with the smokers under their minimal tarp, although he, himself, was without a cigarette at all. When he turned at the call of his name, there was only confusion and exhaustion in his face. None of the smugness, or the ego, or the energy that he usually had.

Logan didn’t know why that bothered him. He was hurting from earlier; that was good. 

After all, it was Remus’s ridiculous game that he had dragged everyone else into. 

((Logan’s finger itched and he dug his nails into his skin so deeply he was afraid to glance down in case there was blood pouring off hands.))

Remus ventured out to meet them, dodging across the lanes of traffic without a care in the world, or perhaps with a death wish. Remus didn’t seem particularly like he would mind getting run over by the way that he opened the back door, climbed in, and shook the excess water out in the interior of the car like some type of undomesticated dog. 

“Is this a kidnapping?” He asked, rain dripping down his face. “A murder? Do I get to know your name before you dismember me, cutie?”

Patton laughed joyfully, even as Logan felt his face screw up at the sound of Remus calling their boss “cutie”. It was beyond unprofessional, even if Remus was apparently unaware that his career hinged entirely on not insulting Patton. It took a lot to make Patton angry enough to fire someone-- his patience was the best and worst thing about him, as Logan had been reminded every time they interacted-- but once Remus crossed that line, not even a cockroach like him would be able to drag himself out of the metaphorical wasteland Patton would make out of his life.

Cutie, honestly. Who calls anyone they’ve just met cutie. Logan could understand Remus having called him Lovebug and Lolo, but cutie? 

For Patton?

Patton climbed back into the car, snapping on his seatbelt and managed to get out of park at the very same moment as the light turned green. He wiped his sleeve along his glasses, and brightly said, “I’m Patton! And you already know Logie here!”

“Logie?” Remus repeated, sitting back against the seat taking in Logan for the first time. “Oh shi--”

“Do not call me that,” Logan said. “Patton, you can drop me off at the next corner. I will walk home.”

“Don’t be silly!” Patton said, in the same tone that he had used during their college days to coax Logan into driving him to the nearest grocery store after he had successfully managed to pull two all nighters in a row. Logan hated that tone, and Patton knew that well.

“If you do not stop the car, I will throw myself from it while it is still moving.”

“I can get out, actually!” Remus said far too loud for the small car. Logan resisted the urge to turn around and scowl at him. Surely, his pea-sized brain had managed to figure out that he was the point of contention here and that his best move would be to shut up, so why had he decided to open his mouth? “I need to get home anyway. Big day tomorrow and everything.”

“Oh?” Patton said delightedly because Logan would not ever play into subject changes willingly. “What’s tomorrow?”

“I’m getting fired,” Remus said with a nonchalant shrug.

Patton blinked for a moment-- his squirrel-run brain jamming at the sudden twist of the words because whatever he was expecting from his visitor it was not that. Logan resisted the urge to reach over and give him a shake at the shoulders: of course he wouldn’t be able to expect anything with Remus Prince. The man was insufferable and illogical and he wrought chaos for fun. 

With everything that had happened, did Patton really think that there was an exaggeration in there?

Remus wanted attention. And he said whatever he needed to in order to get it: a fake affair, a fake divorce, a fake child-- Of course he would say he was getting fired tomorrow if it got Patton to have to use all of his meager brain cells to figure out how serious he was.

“Is that something to celebrate, Mr. Prince?” Logan cut in coldly. “Getting fired?”

“And here I thought that you would be happy, Ackroyd,” Remus said. “Unless you think you’re going to miss me.”

“If only I would be so lucky,” Logan said, digging his phone from his pocket, and turning it back on. The screen was blindingly bright and Logan’s eyes ached just glancing at it in the corner of his vision. “Patton, pull over. I am not doing this tonight. Or tomorrow. Or ever again.”

“I’m not going to let you walk home after however many rum and cokes you had, Logan.”

“Patton,” Logan snarled. “If you continue to treat me like you treat your son, I will tender my resignation tonight. Pull over now.”

Patton opened his mouth, but whatever he was going to say was swallowed up in Remus’s empty voice speaking. 

“You went drinking?”

“Do not talk to me, Mr. Prince.”

“You’re not even yelling.”

Logan wasn’t sure what that was supposed to mean, which may have irritated him more than the fact that he was so insistent about continuing to talk when Logan was liable to push the car to crash and kill all three of them. Remus was already staring at him, his expression dark and serious in the passing car lights and somehow Logan thought that he looked vulnerable. 

Logan gritted his teeth as his headache pulsed behind his eyes. 

“Shut up,” he said. “And put on your seat belt.”

“Or what? You’ll divorce me?” Remus pushed forward between the seats until he was just a few inches from Logan’s own face, grinning with all his teeth. It was at once the same smile that Logan had catalogued through every week of working with him and also something completely foreign.

Remus had pulled him into a kiss earlier that morning, and Logan remembered the taste of pickles on his lips just as well as the smirk he kept as Logan walked away. But this expression is somehow inverted, somehow shifted, somehow a weapon more than a challenge.

“Boys,” Patton said. “Please don’t fight in my car!”

“If you did not want us to fight, why did you invite him in this car?” Logan asked. “You, of all people, know my opinions on--”

“Logan, you’re drunk.”

“What does that have to do with this?!” Logan bit out. He glared at his phone: there were three missed calls from Patton and a handful of text messages from him that Logan couldn’t actually read in the combination of the bright phone light and darkness around them. His eyes were blurry even with his glasses on and the frustration of not being able to read only heightened as he made out the notification for his email which meant that Beatrice had managed to finish her work (allowing Logan to be able to go fix it) or that news of him yelling at a child made it around the office and now he was going to harassed by them as well.

All because of Remus Prince’s inability to shut up. 

 Patton threw a hand out and grabbed Logan’s phone from his hand and carelessly tossed it over both their shoulders to Remus.

“Patton!” Logan hissed, rubbing the irritated tears from his eyes. “Remus, give it back!”

Remus, however, was just staring at the phone in his lap like it was some type of bomb. Logan’s phone locked itself and the screen went dark, and still Remus sat inhumanely still in the seat, staring at it, with a type of blank expression that Logan oftentimes related to their coworkers when Logan asked them to perform any sort of math without a calculator.

“Remus,” Logan said again.

Remus jerked at the sound of his voice, snapping out of whatever fit the phone had put him in almost meekly-- if Logan could describe anything Remus did as meekly without it being a blatant falsehood. “Meekly” itself had never seemed to be a word in Remus’s vocabulary which was another irritating fact about him that made Logan break out in figurative hives.

Logan knew how Remus was.

He knew Remus.

It didn’t matter that he had never talked to Remus before today, that his thinly veiled contempt for his coworkers kept him from being willing to stand in their presence more than he was being paid to, that this fake affair was the first stupid relationship of any kind he had gotten outside of Patton and his son since his last boyfriend had dumped him on the night he was going to propose and hadn’t he thought he’d known him too? Isn’t that what led to all this? 

It didn’t matter. 

Logan was smarter, now. Logan was better now. Logan was--

“I don’t…” Remus said, trailing off as he stared at the messages popping up on Logan’s phone and Logan wondered why it felt like his lungs had shrunk right in his chest. “I don’t think you should be reading these right now.”

“He definitely should not!” Patton said, with a very convincing amount of forced happiness. “Hold that for him will you, Remus? Oh and why do you think you’re going to get fired tomorrow?”

Remus looked up at Logan and then at Patton and then back at Logan, like Logan was supposed to know what that meant in addition to every other stupid look he’d given Logan all evening. Logan shoved his glasses up to his hairline and rubbed his aching eyes, and yet somehow that still didn’t fix the pounding in his head or the exhaustion hollowing out his bones. It also didn’t make Remus disappear from the backseat, which was equally annoying, even though Logan hadn’t truly thought he was a shared apparition for him and Patton.

“You didn’t mention anything about today to your… what are you a fuck buddy?” Remus said.

And Patton laughed. 

Logan grabbed the door handle and yanked on it, but of course the ridiculous safety locks were engaged, and Logan had spent far too many sober years getting locked in this car to try to puzzle out the broken locking system in order to drunkenly throw himself out of the car. He was not in the habit of wishing for miracles, or even believing in deities, but he imagined that some powerful entity was finding ruining Logan’s life to be semi enjoyable.

“See this is why I can’t fire him!” Patton said through giggles and Logan thought maybe he was being addressed for this. Patton met Remus’s gaze through the rearview mirror and shook the last bit of water from his damp hair. “You make everything so entertaining!”

“What?”

Logan grit his teeth and yanked on the door handle again. “Remus, meet Mr. Hart, the CEO and your boss. Also put on your seatbelt.”

Remus blinked at them both, leaning between the seats and definitely not putting on his seatbelt. Logan counted backward from ten, reminding himself that one of the hiring requirements for Patton’s company has always been must be the stupid beyond belief. He’d known for a while that his coworkers were idiots on a good day, hazards to his health on bad ones, and yet somehow in the whirlwind of the day he’s had, Logan had forgotten that Remus counted as a coworker still.

“I’m not… getting fired?” Remus said, acting much like a computer after being turned on. “Why do you know my name then?”

Patton shrugged, flicking on his blinker to change lanes before the next light. “You have interesting ideas for your advertising strategy! Of course I would know your name! I’m sorry about vetoing that last one. I know Logan liked it, but I wanted to stick to the family-as-a-whole angle.”

“Patton,” Logan warned with an edge.

“Logan liked…?” Remus echoed, before turning towards Logan with a look of bewilderment that annoyed Logan far more than it had any right to. “You actually look at my shit?”

“Put on your seatbelt, Remus,” he said, because wasn’t it obvious that Logan looked at his things? Before the whole Robot incident Logan hadn’t had a problem with Remus at all: he was effective and efficient and the rumors were irritating but below him to indulge in. Before Remus had dragged him figuratively kicking and screaming into this mess, Logan approved the budgets that came with the projects Remus created.

He still did that, just with more anger than before. Petty feelings for Remus himself aside, his work was objectively good. 

Logan knew that about him.

“So!” Patton said over both of them, with his signature grin that Logan suspected he would still be wearing even if Logan decided to kill him right now. It must be the by-product of being controlled by rodents running on a wheel. “How was your volunteer work Remus?”

Remus froze in the back seat, going unnaturally still again. “Are you some kind of stalker-- uh sir?”

“Will you knock that off?” Logan snapped, which only made Remus’s shoulders jump straight to his ears. “And put on your seatbelt.”

“Just curious!” Patton said, ignoring Logan entirely. “Darlene is a good friend of mine! I make sure to send monthly donations to the organization since I don’t have a lot of free time to jump over and help.”

Remus didn’t say anything to that. He swallowed audibly and leaned back against the seat, dragging fingers through his wet hair and then tucked his arms in his own armpits. Logan pressed a palm to his forehead watching the street lights bend from behind his eyelids because that was easier than staring at Remus act like Patton was trying to pull his teeth out.

“You actually do volunteer work?” Logan said. “You don’t seem like the type.”

“Ha,” Remus said without any inflection. Logan thought that was the quietest that he had ever been. Where was that stupid ass smirk? Where was the stubbornness that pushed back against everything? Where was that loud voice and that confidence?

“Put on your seatbelt,” Logan said again.

“Why do you care if I wear the belt or not?”

“Remus put on your seatbelt or, so help me Newton, I will climb back there and put it on for you, myself!”

The air simmered from the acid in his tone, making the silence figurative chafe against his ribs. Remus stared at him, blinking slowly, with the street lights casting roving shadows on his face. His dark eyes were just so-- so--

Logan dug his nails into his palm. Why was it Remus Prince could make him feel like this? What gave him the right?

“It’s okay!” Patton said, setting the car to park. “We’re here anyway!”

Logan reached up and pulled his glasses back onto his face properly, but it still took him a moment to realize that they were near a bunch of townhouses, double parked outside one that Logan had considered moving into all those years ago when he had first been looking for an apartment for after college.

Remus too, apparently needed a moment to recognize the area. “We… are at my apartment? Holy shit, you are a stalker.”

Patton giggled, flashing Remus with his blinding smile and reached back to pick up Logan’s phone from his hands. “Thank you so much, kiddo! We’ll wait until you get inside all safe and sound, and I’ll see you tomorrow!”

“You will not,” Logan said. “Tomorrow you have a business deal two hours away to complete and if you miss it--”

Patton stretched back in his seat and let out a hugely exaggerated yawn. “But they’re so boring! Maybe I should bring Janus with me. He always makes my business deals entertaining. I love when he sets his snake on people. He looks so happy and he laughs and--”

Logan squeezed his eyes closed and recited the first twenty digits of pi in his head to keep from grabbing Patton’s squirrel run brain and slamming it into the steering wheel.

“Homicide is wrong,” Logan said.

“I’ll help you vouch for insanity,” Remus said. “I mean, tied together through a murder, and possibly hiding a body is much more juicy than a fake marriage that’s falling apart. We’d be the talk of the office.”

“They would not find any body that I hid,” Logan said. “Nobody would.”

Remus opened his mouth to say something more, but whatever it is he decided against it. Instead he slid over the seats and kicked open the door right behind Logan and stepped out into the night air.

“Thanks for the ride, Mr. Hart, sir,” he said, strangely formal, then squinted and added, “Daddy?” 

“I’m not firing you, Remus,” Patton said. “No matter what you call me!”

Logan ran his tongue over his teeth counting each and every one. Remus looked at him but ultimately finally adhered to that whole shutting up thing. He closed the door to Patton’s blue punch buggy and started towards the door to the apartments.

“Oh,” Remus said, and turned back at the last second. He knocked his knuckles on Logan’s window a few inches from where Logan’s gaze fixed itself on a light. Patton apparently knew more about what to do than Logan because he pressed the window lowering button and Remus reached his entire arm into the window to drop a small object right into Logan’s lap.

Logan caught it mainly due to reaction rather than skill and his skin tingled at the familiar item. Even in the dark, Logan’s fingers roll over the shape of the ring that had always reminded him of the worst day of his life. It was still warm from being in Remus’s pocket.

“I think that should stay with you,” Remus said, like it wasn’t a big deal at all. “You know… for the next boytoy you take to your sex dungeon or whatever nerds like you do on weekends.”

And then he turned around and fled towards the apartment building. Patton turned off the hazard lights and slipped back into traffic and Logan wondered if he would be polite enough to not comment if Logan started crying right then and there.

His throat felt swollen, his tongue too big for his mouth, and the headache thrummmmmmed painfully. 

Logan knew Remus Prince.

“You know that Remus Prince isn’t gonna be like him,” Patton said to fill the silence.

“Remus Prince isn’t like anyone.” Logan didn’t whine. To whine would be unbecoming. And childish. And embarrassing.

So Logan didn’t whine and Patton mercifully didn't call him out on his not-whining.

And neither of them mention the choked tone that Logan had for the rest of the night.

When Logan had seen his boss after he made Virgil cry, he hadn’t expected it to end up with him clutching that ring like a lifeline, but as he ran his fingers around the rim, he wondered if it had fit on Remus’s finger at all.

(Part Five)

[dramaticviolincrescendo]

Rewatching Shameless and i just watched 6x1 jail scene. Can I request a meta if its not too much trouble? I feel like reading a really good meta about that scene and you're one of the best we've got so.....

It’s never any trouble at all! That’s so sweet to say—thank you so much! <3 Kind of coming to terms with the idea that anyone cares about my opinion over here. You guys are too much!

This scene is actually extremely important to me because it and the response to it were what made me start writing Shameless fanfiction, specifically when I saw that my views regarding Ian’s behavior and how Mickey received it were so vastly different from what I initially read. (Insert shameless plug for “That Milkovich Reputation” here.) Now, I know you’ve told me not to do this before, but based on the controversial position in which this scene resides, I feel the need to present a couple of disclaimers for our audience at large.

I first fell in love with Shameless last March, a couple weeks before quarantine began. I didn’t know what it was prior to that and therefore was not present when Noel left the show, so I didn’t experience the disappointment of a beloved character leaving in a potentially permanent way and didn’t engage in the fandom or see how deeply upset people were by that until after I finished the series. I also don’t subscribe to the theory that there was something going on behind the scenes or any animosity between Noel and the creators, as I have not seen any relevant evidence from reliable sources to support that what happened was anything other than decisions made in pursuit of career goals on both sides. As such, my analysis of this scene has only ever taken the content and context of the story and characters into account. I have no interest in speculating on the motives of people I do not know in writing it or portraying it this way, and even if I did, this scene made perfect sense to me as it was written and performed.

I understand and appreciate that this is not a popular position to take and urge everyone to pass this post by if my position on that matter is offensive or upsetting to you. I do not mean to tell anyone what to think or believe, only to explain how I view this scene and the context in which I do so.

That said, let’s begin.

When Last Seen: Mickey

As in all things, context is important. Prior to the prison scene, the last time we saw Mickey was when Ian broke up with him and Sammi interrupted their heartfelt moment, which basically sums up her character in a nutshell. That was a rough couple of days for Mickey. He saw how devastated Ian was to hear his family talk about him as though he were just like Monica; was distressed in his own right to return for him and discover that he’d left the base with Monica; buried his frustration and sadness by sleeping around with other people, which seemed to exacerbate those emotions because those people weren’t Ian, nor had he and Ian broken up when he did it; and came running when Ian called him, only for Ian to end their relationship.

Mickey is a very sharp man—we know this. He can read people like books and manipulate or intimidate them accordingly. He knew Ian had feelings for him in s1 when he showed up on his doorstep seeking comfort rather than going to any number of other people he trusted. He was well aware that Ian loved him in s3, and that made what he felt he had no choice in doing that much more painful. He heard what Ian said and knew what he was doing in 5x12. Of that, I have never had any doubt. It wasn’t like Ian tried to hide that he didn’t want to break up but thought that that was what would be best. In fact, the way he initially framed it always made me think that one of his highest priorities was not dragging Mickey down with him, especially in the aftermath of being called “destructive” and similar to someone who “put them through hell.” That’s why Mickey’s response wasn’t to call him an asshole or get angry or beg. It was to reassure Ian that he was there for the long haul, that he loved him and wanted to take care of him no matter what that meant—and that they could make that work. All the sentiments Ian had tried to communicate before he got married, Mickey was reciprocating in his own way. Had they not needed to temporarily write Mickey out of the story and Sammi hadn’t shown up right that second, I believe that he wouldn’t have given up so easily. We do have confirmation of that being the case in the prison scene, but we’ll get to that shortly.

When Last Seen: Ian

Ian isn’t a selfish character. We know this, too. However, Ian needed to be selfish by the end of s5. What he had to come to terms with wasn’t something that anyone could fully help him with, much as Mickey desperately wanted to. To Ian, the enemy was within. It was inside him, in his brain, telling him what to do even if that destroyed himself and everything he loved. It’s terrifying. I’m not bipolar, nor do I suffer from any other diagnosed mental illnesses, but I admire and respect everyone who wakes up every morning and tackles these things. They’re heroes every single day. But by the end of s5, Ian doesn’t feel much like a hero. Instead, he feels like the villain, and he’s lost touch with who he even is anymore.

That’s not a healthy mindset to have in a relationship. Relationships require a level of give and take, and that used to be something that Ian and Mickey already struggled with. Ian gave more in s1-3 because he was able to, while Mickey had a limit on what he could openly give because of the environment in which he lived and the manner in which he was raised. In s4-5, those roles were reversed: Mickey was able to give so much more, but Ian was gradually falling apart. Neither of them are at fault for any of those situations. It is what it is, and they have a stronger relationship for it. Ian is a giver, though. He’s always been a giver. To be in a position where he doesn’t feel like he can give anything to Mickey because he doesn’t even know who he is was truly heartbreaking for him, and objectively, he needed to take a step back so that he could focus on himself. He knew it. Based on Mickey’s understanding of Ian’s reasons after watching him deny that he had a problem for so long, I think Mickey knew it too. This hurt both of them—Ian to say it and Mickey to hear it—but they’re not fools and they’re not naïve. In some ways, they know each other better than anyone.

Jimmy said that when you’re on a plane, they tell you to put on your mask before you help anyone else with theirs. Ian needed to put on his mask. His heart can’t keep beating if his lungs don’t work.

Starting Season 6: Mickey

Unsurprisingly, Mickey has settled into prison life just fine. We’ll focus on his interactions with Ian in a bit as that’s the meat of the scene, but there are major implications inherent in his discussion with Svetlana beforehand.

1.      Mickey has accepted that this will be his reality for the foreseeable future. What else is he supposed to do? Besides, he’s known for a long time that the likelihood of ending up in prison was pretty high for him, as he alluded to in s2. He was a street thug. He stole from local stores, sold drugs, ran guns, operated a rub ‘n’ tug, created scam companies, and was a generally violent presence in the neighborhood for years. He was in juvie twice during the show, perhaps more beforehand. The unfortunate fact of the matter is that it would have been more surprising if Mickey didn’t get locked up at some point than that he did.

2.      Ian has visited Mickey before. We won’t get too deeply into this yet, but he thanks Ian for “coming back.” The other times, he wasn’t even paid to do it. So, as far as Mickey can tell, nothing has changed. Ian is focusing on himself right now, but his love for Mickey hasn’t dulled at all. That’s an encouraging thought, and it certainly puts a smile on Mickey’s face.

3.      Ever the opportunist and entrepreneur, Mickey really is doing just fine in prison. He runs a business, if you will, that appears to be quite lucrative already. This isn’t surprising either. Sadly, it’s a bad move. He’s already going to be in prison for somewhere around a decade, give or take a couple of years depending on his behavior. But his behavior isn’t good. He’s hurting people for money, and if he gets caught and brought up on more charges, not only will he serve the full fifteen years, but he could get more time added onto that.

4.      Ian is aware of this arrangement. He has to be if he’s been going there with Svetlana, and they weren’t exactly hiding what they were talking about. Ian has been very consistent throughout the series: he’s not as concerned with the moral implications of Mickey’s behavior, just how it could potentially impact their ability to be together. He still cares about Mickey at the start of s6, and Mickey can see it on his face when he won’t say it out loud. (More on that shortly.) Once he’s in a better spot mentally, maybe they would have gotten back together had Mickey been on the outside. I’m of the opinion that they would have based on the context of the situation. It isn’t an option, however. This is Mickey’s reality, and he’s not doing everything he can to get out earlier. If anything, he’s tempting fate on not being released at all. (This, in hindsight, sounds rather similar to the issues they’re dealing with right now in s11.)

So, this is where Mickey stands at the start of the season: a prison hitman who is quite pleased that the man he loves has come to see him again, even if the latter is visibly not in a very healthy mental state.

Starting Season 6: Ian

Ian isn’t in most of 6x01. What we do see of him is typically sad or colored by his frustration, outside Carl’s welcome home party at the end of the episode. Even then, there’s an aura of discomfort that accompanies the family’s knowledge that things have changed. Carl came out of juvie a different person—they’re all different people after s5, and they’re not sure how to handle walking on eggshells around each other.

From the very start of the episode, we see that Ian is still struggling even though he’s had enough time to at least partially adjust to his medication, especially if he’s been on and off of it. It’s so sweet how Fiona gently wakes him up—it’s also a bit different. What happened to banging on the bunk bed and yelling for them to come down for breakfast? After behaving pretty normally with Debbie at the bathroom door, she’s almost handling him with kid gloves, and the punches keep coming when she reminds him that he (1) has to get up for work at a place he despises and (2) needs to remember to take his meds.

The kitchen scene is extremely telling of where Ian is at this point, and it partially shows why he’s somewhat standoffish by the time we reach the prison scene. Most of the family is gone or different. Fiona is repeatedly on him about meds and getting to work on time—Ian, Mister Responsible himself who was out of the house before anybody woke up to get to work on time as a kid. Lip is at college. Debbie is absorbed in her unconfirmed but likely pregnancy. Carl is in juvie, and Liam is playing with the switchblade he found under Carl’s pillow before they take him to pre-K. His entire support system is either gone or treating him like he’s broken. All he has is Fiona “going Fiona” on everyone. It’s clear that this is impacting him because he actually derails the conversation to say that they should go visit Carl the following weekend, which was the position Debbie used to be in when Fiona was in jail. Just like Lip shut her down, Debbie shuts Ian down, and he doesn’t say another word as he drinks his coffee—which he can’t finish because Fiona is once again on him about work, so he trudges out the door to another day of being a busboy with no dreams instead of a soldier who has a future.

Work isn’t much better. Svetlana wants him to go see Mickey when he’s determined to stay away. (We don’t have confirmation, but I don’t think it’s unreasonable to assume that he wants to distance himself if Mickey is doing something that will potentially get him into even more trouble, especially given some of his reactions at the prison.) Sean is sending Fiona to nag him about not moving fast enough when the diner isn’t even busy. When Otis is chased down by the cops and slammed against the front window, Sean rather condescendingly tells him to, “take your rag and wipe the blood and snot off the window.” Ian—West Point-aspiring, ambitious, courageous, caring, intelligent, hardworking Ian has been reduced to wiping up someone’s snot by a boss who’s living in his house with a sister that’s treating him like he’s shattered glass and a family that is growing further and further apart these days.

That is the day Ian has had before he even arrives at the prison. Odds are that that is how most of his days have gone for quite some time, minus the blood and snot. …Maybe.

The Prison Scene

Now we come to it: what you actually asked about! It’s taken this long to get here because we can’t possibly interpret this scene effectively without incorporating all of what came before it. Mickey’s position is regrettable, but he knows that Ian still loves him and is at least handling his situation with all the grace and competence that we can expect from him. Ian is a bit of a mess who’s had a bad day and is now faced with the man he loves, who he is telling himself he can’t be with, sitting behind glass—where he’ll be for a good long while.

I’m going to divide this analysis into two sections. For a scene that many prefer to forget, to me, it’s a masterpiece of storytelling.

Physicality

The body language in this scene is remarkable—phenomenally blocked, phenomenally directed, and phenomenally portrayed.

When Mickey first appears, he’s visibly chomping at the bit to get to the visitation area. He’s peering out there while he’s still behind a locked door, and he only diverts his gaze to the guard because he’s waiting for him to unlock it. He’s cool about the whole thing—he’s very cool—but he’s obviously also here for one reason and one reason only. That reason is where his eyes go the moment he sits down at his stall and spots Ian’s coat where the latter is pacing behind Svetlana. Throughout their entire conversation, we see his eyes darting to Ian as he attempts to get the business out of the way so that he can indulge purely in the pleasure. It doesn’t matter to him that Ian is visibly tired and reluctant to be there or that he plays with Yevgeny instead of actively joining their conversation. It’s Ian, and all Mickey has to look at in here is a bunch of fellow thugs he hasn’t loved since he was too young to know what that meant. Damn right, he’s going to shamelessly watch him.

In Ian’s pacing, where we can’t see his face, I find it interesting that he keeps himself angled away from the glass. We see more of his back even though he’s moving side to side rather than away. He doesn’t want to see this. He doesn’t want to be there. In s7, he told Mickey how hard it was to see him behind glass—that wasn’t an excuse. He wasn’t falsely trying to make it sound like he was suffering at their separation just as much as Mickey was. We can see that that’s the case right here in 6x01. Ian has never had a problem sitting still through difficult moments, not even when a potential court martial that would further ruin his life was on the table. But this? He can’t sit down. He can’t face that.

The first time he turns directly towards Mickey’s location is so that Svetlana can hand Yevgeny off to him, and Mickey is visibly loving the view. His expression gets a bit softer, and he ducks his head a little so that he can catch a glimpse of Ian’s face. He follows Ian with his eyes even though Svetlana tries to get his attention. What a blast from the past, right? Ian there with his son, taking care of him while he and Svetlana figure out their business? And just like before, he offers Svetlana all of the attention and input that he deems her worth—next to nothing. Ian’s over there. Ian’s keeping the kid entertained, playing with him and rocking a bit in their seat and leaning over his little shoulder to make sure he’s doing okay—but forget that, Mickey’s eyes are examining him from red hair to beat-up shoes. He only glances back to Svetlana because he has to in order to get the information for their next paycheck. Even then, he’s still back and forth, up and down.

And Ian? He can’t keep pacing. He can’t stay turned away, but he won’t look. He occupies himself more than Yevgeny because now he’s low enough that he won’t just see an orange jumpsuit—he’ll see Mickey, and he’s had a bad enough day with his family making him feel more alone than ever without adding that pain on top of it. (This is the third time Mickey’s been locked up for something directly or indirectly related to Ian. I’m sure it’s not unreasonable to suspect that he also feels somewhat guilty about that, especially when it happened right after he broke it off.)

When Mickey asks if Ian is going to sit back there the whole time and not interact with him, Svetlana turns around and presumably says something to get his attention. Their eyes meet, and Mickey gives him a look that clearly says, “What the fuck, man?” This isn’t the behavior of a man who is heartbroken at their relationship ending or questioning Ian’s love for him. This is the behavior of a man who wants the love of his life to get his shit together enough to come say hi to him—or at least look at him—because he can’t pretend that he doesn’t want to see Mickey as much as Mickey wants to see him. It’s impossible to hide that when Ian has let Mickey see so much of his heart over the years.

Ian’s response is so fascinating because he does meet Mickey’s eyes, and he holds that connection for a moment. Then, reading what Mickey is trying to tell him, he actually turns further away again so that Mickey gets his shoulder. This sets the stage for the rest of Ian’s development from now through s9. He’s doing what Ian does: he’s compartmentalizing. He’s taking the emotions he can’t deal with right now, wrapping them in tissue paper, and neatly stacking them in a box that he’ll put up in the attic where he can pretend they don’t exist. But they do. They really do.

If they didn’t, he wouldn’t have spent their entire conversation trying so hard to focus on literally anything but Mickey, because as we saw in the Hall of Shame flashbacks and as has been obvious since their first fight-turned-fuck, once they look, the battle is lost.

Dialogue

I’m going to be real with you guys: I adore this scene. I’ve watched it more times than I can count even though I haven’t rewatched much of the season in its entirety. There was so much said with so few words, and while I was sad at the end, I was also hopeful. This was an impossible position to be put in on both sides, and I truly believe that this was the best resolution they could get at the time. And yes, it hurt. It was painful. But why was it painful?

Because they’re so visibly, obviously, irrevocably in love.

Mickey’s tone when he tells Svetlana to leave because he wants to talk to Ian isn’t as harsh as it’s been for the rest of their visit. There’s such a disconnect between his words and tone: roughly telling her to scram while actually sounding a bit younger at the idea of speaking directly with Ian. Svetlana could tell. It’s so clear, and her smirk is super knowing. In that moment, we’re seeing the woman who stood in the doorway of what was supposed to be her bedroom and watched him make eyes at this unconscious boy she didn’t really even remember. Not in the tears and realizing she was in big, big trouble if he left her, but in the understanding that his heart isn’t in the body on the other side of the glass—it’s sitting behind her. There are a lot of things I don’t like about Svetlana as a person (as a character, she’s amazing), but since they reached their agreement in s4, she’s never had a derogatory thing to say about the love those two share, and I respect that. It’s actually a bit cute how she takes her time and is almost teasing in giving him what he wants. A bit.

As I have this scene running on repeat so that I don’t miss anything in writing this, I paused to type and ended up on such a meaningful glance at Ian’s face. Svetlana just took Yevgeny from him, and he hasn’t gotten up yet. He’s staring straight at Mickey, and he looks hesitant. Scared, almost. Then he looks up at Svetlana, nods a bit, and reluctantly moves into her spot.

Is it overkill to take this one exchange at a time? Probably. Am I going to do it anyway? Hell to the yes.

1.      “Thanks for coming back.”/”Yeah… Svetlana paid me.” – I know that people hate this line and think this is painful. I know that it objectively is painful. I still laugh every time. Not because Ian agreed to come if he was paid. (He’s got medication to afford and no insurance. I can’t begrudge him wanting to make a few extra bucks any way he can.) Not because of the words, but because of what accompanies them. Ian will not look at Mickey—he’s lost so many battles lately, and he can’t lose this one too. Not when he started this one himself. He’s hemming and hawing, not looking up from the countertop and then twisting around to see if Svetlana is still there or anyone else is listening. It’s so stupid, because literally no one cares, but it gives you this sensation that Ian sees himself as being under a microscope the whole time. That’s his life anymore, at home and at work and now here. And Mickey? He doesn’t look terribly broken up about Ian accepting payment in exchange for coming. He gets this expression that I interpreted as, “Seriously? You’re playing it like that?” Then it settles into disappointment that Ian won’t open up or look at him like he normally would—that the glass interferes with the magnetic pull between them. But don’t worry, children. Uncle Mickey has just the thing to fix that: himself.

2.      “You look good.”/*awkward silence* – I mean…what do you say to that? I actually felt so bad for Ian there because what must he have looked like these last visits if Mickey is telling him that he looks good now? What kind of mess was he then when he’s still sort of a mess today? And he can’t even return the sentiment because how can he? Mickey is in prison. He’s in a jumpsuit looking at being here so long that he’ll probably have a few grey hairs starting to grow in when he gets out. I don’t know how to respond when people tell me I look good on an average day, so I can only imagine how that must have felt in his position. And still, he won’t do more than glance in Mickey’s direction. Well, if that didn’t work…

3.      Mickey chuckles and says he got a new tattoo. Ian’s eyes immediately shoot upwards, and Mickey slouches a little so that he’s in their direct line of sight—to hold them there, because once they look, the battle is lost. And Ian does lose. For a while there, he can’t look away again. First, because Mickey is courting some pretty nasty illnesses with his improper use of needles. Seriously, Mickey, a beautiful gesture but holy crap. Second, Mickey has his name (or a very close approximation to it) tattooed forever right over his heart. Ian had asked if Mickey was going to marry him, and Mickey told him to fuck off, but everything he’s doing points in the opposite direction. He promised sickness and health; now he’s made a permanent mark on his body for everyone to see. Mickey, who wouldn’t be seen in public with him once upon a time, has plastered Ian’s name onto his body. Ian tries so hard not to let that impact him, but it’s over. He’s lost the battle already, and he falls further and further. He’s smiling when he tells Mickey it looks infected, he teases him about the misspelling (which I think says more about how much that tattoo must have hurt than any inability to spell on Mickey’s part—I’d have a typo too), and he laughs at Mickey’s irritation that he messed it up. And it’s this sweet little laugh, not cruel or hurtful or mean. The wonderful thing about humor is that it can be used to cope with difficult emotions. We’ve seen a lot of people on the show start laughing when they’re in a bad place. Ian has been trying so hard to accept his life as it is even during the shitty day he was having. He tried so hard not to let himself fall into the trap of letting his love for Mickey rule his actions in the scene so far. That’s a lot. That’s denying himself to the point where I’m sure it hurts. And so he laughs, because Mickey did this crazy, absurd thing for him and yeah, it came out wrong, but he did it. This was all Ian wanted once upon a time (minus the felony), and now he has it—but he can’t have it. So he laughs. He immediately moves to hide it, but he laughs. He smiles more and has to bend away to pretend that he’s not—and Mickey lights up like a goddamn Christmas tree. This is the moment that keeps me from seeing this scene or Ian’s actions as being cruel. They’re both hurting, and this is an awful position to be in. But Ian loves him so much, and Mickey was doing everything he could to make him show it. Not exactly how he saw that going, I’m sure, but he’ll take it.

4.      “Been thinking about you.” – Knowing that he lost that one, Ian looks away again. While the end of this scene will hurt for both of them, especially Mickey, think about the pain he must be feeling in that moment simply because he’s not. He’s not hurting. For the first time that day, he feels good. This can’t last. Mickey isn’t coming home with him when time is up. This wonderful emotion that filled him up enough for him to laugh and smile after such a bad day will be gone the second he hangs up that phone. Then he’s going to go home and have Fiona breathing down his neck with nobody else for support. And Mickey will be here—behind glass. He can’t handle that, and he pulls that box out again and starts tearing off the tissue paper. He has to get rid of this feeling. He has to be the one to put it away before it kicks him to the curb. He’s stubborn, and Mickey can see him shutting down but also knows that he’s knocked enough bricks out of Ian’s walls to say something softer, something emotional and closer to the heart. Something he is willing to say where the other inmates can hear, which I don’t think is lost on Ian since he immediately looks up again. He doesn’t look away either, not even when Mickey asks if Ian thinks about him. He glances to the side and opens his mouth a bit, but nothing comes out. Mickey knows the answer.

5.      “Gonna wait for me?”/”You’re here for fifteen years.” – There’s this thing Mickey does after he first says that. He chuckles, because he knows that that’s pretty unreasonable to ask and has already predicted Ian’s response. His comment about being out in eight is lighthearted, a serious matter spoken as a joke because…this isn’t juvie anymore. They’re not going to see each other in a few months. This is Mickey’s version of what Ian was just doing, only where Ian tried to withdraw and escape within himself, Mickey is making it more humorous. He’s always done that, make light of pretty serious things to avoid looking at just how messed up it is. But I didn’t get the feeling he was really asking for Ian to wait that long. Instead, I got the feeling that he was testing the waters, seeing if Ian would shut him down—which he didn’t. He offered the bullshit excuse that Mickey tried to kill a member of his family, and Mickey saw through that immediately. I think he knows that he can’t ask Ian to seriously wait and never be with anyone else for fifteen years, or even for eight. I think he knows what he’s saying is a touch absurd. He also knows that Ian’s excuse is extremely absurd, and he doesn’t buy it for a second. It gives him a little courage to do something…well, a bit absurd.

6.      “Will you? Wait? Fucking lie if you have to, man. Eight years is a long time.” – I think the important part of this isn’t that Ian says he’ll wait when he doesn’t mean it, which is the popular take. For one thing, I don’t think we can ascribe that level of calculated behavior to Ian in this instance. There are a few things about this part of the scene that mean a lot to me: (1) Ian doesn’t get up and go. He doesn’t even move in that direction. He sits there with the phone after the buzzer sounds and before Mickey tells him to lie. His mouth opens and closes like he’s not sure what to say. Because what can he say? If Mickey serves the maximum, Ian will be in his mid-thirties by the time they can be together. At that point, he was either nearing eighteen or just turned. I still can’t fathom what I’ll be doing in my mid-thirties, and I’m a whole lot older than that. Ian looks just a little terrified here, and that’s because he knows he loves Mickey but has no clue what he’s supposed to do with that in the impossible circumstances they’re operating under. (2) Ian can’t even see himself moving on yet. He’s still trying to figure himself out, not think about a relationship. He has a job he hates, and his family is a different brand of chaos these days. He feels alone, yes, but not in a way that has him openly desperate for a relationship. Based on what he says to Mandy about Caleb, I think it’s pretty safe to assume that he doesn’t think he’ll ever be in a serious relationship at this point or even in a position for more than casual sex anytime in the near future. How can he say that he’ll wait when he doesn’t know where he’ll be whenever Mickey does get out? Maybe he’ll feel better. Maybe he’ll be out of his mind, roaming all over the place like Monica. Maybe he won’t just be standing on that bridge. It’s a huge question, one that has a lot of ramifications no matter what his answer is, and Ian clearly has none. He’s blindsided by that, which Mickey sees. That’s when he gets serious about those eight years, about how absurd their situation really is. That’s perhaps the first and only time in this scene where we can see that, for as successful as he is at navigating prison, his freedom means something to him. His freedom means he wouldn’t have to coax a glance out of Ian—he could kiss his dumb ass and make him stop being stubborn about how much he loves Mickey. But he can’t. He won’t be able to for a long time. And I think that is what really breaks his heart in this scene, not…

7.      “Yeah. Yeah, Mick, I’ll wait.” – Did anyone else notice how Ian swallowed hard before he answered? How his voice gets hoarse when he first speaks? I paused again to type, and the video is sitting on his face staring at the counter before the second part of what he says. He looks like he might cry. He looks like his heart is breaking just as much as Mickey’s is, because he can do what he’s asking this time—reassure him with a lie. Not because he doesn’t intend to wait, but because he is buried so far under what life has piled on top of him that he can’t see the light these days, and he doesn’t see waiting or moving on. He just sees the daily struggle of being this shell of a person. Of being without Mickey even if they’re not technically together. (Admittedly, I think he knew they would be if Mickey weren’t in prison at that moment. Ian has no real self-control where he’s concerned. Lip told him as much, and he’s self-aware enough to realize it, hence his behavior in this whole scene.)

When Ian hangs up the phone, he doesn’t get up immediately. He looks at Mickey—really looks at him—and each of them watches the other’s heart shatter. I don’t see it the way a lot of people do, though. On Mickey’s side, I don’t see it as being because Ian lied. I think it’s so much bigger than that.

Ian looks at him when they can’t hear each other anymore, and if he didn’t seem ready to cry before, he looks it now. Why? Because there’s nothing he can do for Mickey besides that. Ian, ever the giver, can’t give him anything. At that point, he couldn’t even help himself. He can’t be what Mickey needs in that moment, just like he couldn’t be what Mickey needed while he was sick, and it kills him. It kills him to know that by the time Mickey does get out, he’ll be older than he can fathom being and has no idea if he’ll even be around that long. It kills him to feel like even if he is, he’ll still have nothing to offer because, in his own words, this is where he lands. And it kills him to have to walk away and leave what he loves most behind glass.

Mickey is watching this. He knows Ian, and as painful as it was to get exactly what he asked for, it’s even more painful for him to see what him being here does to Ian. Where Ian is a giver, Mickey is a fixer. He makes things better. When stuff is broken, he puts it back together. When there’s a problem, he resolves it. Ian was going to leave because he couldn’t be an unacknowledged number three in Mickey’s life anymore? He jumped to solve the problem by coming out. Ian was acting strangely and wouldn’t get out of bed for so long that Mickey realized something was wrong? He immediately went to hunt down Lip, who he knows is closer to Ian than anyone else in his family. Fiona tells him that Ian is sick and needs to be cared for? He jumps in to do it, even to the point where it did more harm than good. Sammi caused a problem that Mickey couldn’t solve? He fixed the problem of her being there at all. But here he sits, behind glass, watching Ian that whole time and knowing that he was trying to maintain some emotional distance—and, because it’s Mickey, knowing why. There’s nothing he can do about this. He can’t fix it. For the first time since s3, Mickey is absolutely helpless to fix a problem. He takes a breath as Ian walks away as though he’s about to say something, but what can he say? What can he do? Nothing. He can do nothing but hang up the phone and weather the storm.

In the end, the heartbreak in this scene isn’t about them hurting each other, from my perspective. It’s not about Ian being callous and cruel or purposely trying to hurt Mickey. They know each other too well for that. They’ve been through too much. To me, this is about two people who love each other more than anything not being able to be what the other needed when they needed them—and that’s a whole lot more painful.

[fiveisnumber1]

Timeless - Five Hargreeves x Reader

Word Count: 3828

Warnings: None

1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 16 | 17 | 18 | 19 | 20 | 21 | 22 | 23

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Pt 11 - Lost In The Past

You didn't know how long it had been since you started crying but there came a point where you could cry no more. The tears no longer fell and your screams were nothing more than gasps of air. You felt empty like every last bit of emotion inside you was just released into the hollow house. Wiping the tears from your eyes you felt a gentle hand stroke your hair.

"There there, why don't we go get you some food to eat? You must be hungry after all that crying." Grace says

You turn your head to look at her and give her a small nod. Grace extends her hand to help you stand from the floor and when you stand she wraps an arm around you, guiding you to the kitchen. Sitting you down at the kitchen table, Grace starts to cook while you try to come to terms with your new reality. You had so many questions and yet you weren't sure if you had the words to vocalize them.

"Grace?" You call

"Hm?" She replies

"What happened since I've been gone?" You question softly

"Well George W. Bush served as president until 2008 when Barack Obama was elected to the presidency. The company Apple invented the iPhone in 2007 which revolutionized technology by giving phones touch screens. Youtube, Facebook, and other social media platforms grew to international success during the time you were gone. The-" Grace replies but you cut her off

"No, I mean...what happened here?" You say

Grace stops cooking for a second and turns to you.

"Oh. Well, you and Five went missing on the same day eleven years ago and things were never quite the same. Your disappearances took a toll on both your family and ours. I remember that about three years after you left, your parents packed up and moved to wherever they went. They were so distraught and I don't blame them it's very difficult to lose a child. I recall that back then Diego really tried his best to track them down in case you ever came back."

"What happened to Diego? And the others?"

"Diego left the house right when he turned eighteen, and Vanya, Klaus, and Allison left shortly thereafter which happened about six or so years ago. Luther stayed but now he's up on the moon doing some important research for Mr. Hargreeves!"

"You forgot about Ben." You state

"Oh right...Ben. Ben died on a mission in 2006. I don't know if you saw in the courtyard but there's a memorial statue for him there."

"He died?" You reply shocked

Grace nods.

"Yes and that was the straw that broke the camel's back, after you and Five went missing, and Ben's death, the rest of the children had no desire to stay in the house. It's difficult having to lose all your children one by one..." Grace states before putting on a chipper voice "Anyway here's a grilled cheese sandwich!"

"Oh." You say surprised at her quick shift of emotion "Uh, thank you."

"No problem (Y/N). Feel free to walk around the house and if you need anything else just ask! I'll be in the laundry room." Grace says before leaving

As she exits the kitchen and heads upstairs to the laundry room, you stare at the grilled cheese before pushing the plate away and putting your face in your hands. Everything felt like it was moving at a million miles per hour and you couldn't make it stop. You needed to get your mind off of things. Lifting you head out of your hands you stand up and grab your sandwich off the plate and walk towards a calendar on the kitchen wall. It read November 22nd, 2013. You shook your head and decided to leave the room. Strolling out of the kitchen and around the Umbrella Academy, you look at paintings of the former academy members. With each painting, the number of kids grew less and less as if time was making them disappear. You continue to walk around as you eat your sandwich taking in the empty sights. Passing different rooms, memories replayed in your mind so strongly that it was like you were right there in them again. You could practically see and hear the Hargreeves kids running down the halls and fighting with each other in those dumb uniforms they used to wear but you knew those experiences were just in your mind. This building had become a haunted house filled with the ghosts of past memories that would never come back. Looking outside at the snowy scene you decide to brave the elements and head out to the courtyard.  This time instead of frantically looking for signs of life you take in the sight of death. You make your way over to the statue of what looks to be an older version of Ben. The statue has a solemn look on its face as it looks down on you.

"I guess you're the only one left here." You comment to the statue

You got no response. You didn't expect one but it was worth a shot. You looked down at the pedestal the statue was on and read the epitaph.

May the darkness within you find peace in the light

You wrote that to him in the journal you gave him for all of your 13th birthdays. Things really had changed while you were gone. With the cold starting to set in, you head back inside and go stand in the parlor next to the fireplace. Looking up at the painting of Five once more, a mix of emotions started churning inside you. Anger, grief, confusion, hurt. All of them overwhelmed you.

"You know this is all your fault Five." You start to rant to the painting "If you hadn't gotten mad about whatever it was you were mad about neither of us would be in this situation."

You pace back and forth in front of the fireplace, your feelings of hurt and anger growing stronger like the flames before you. You continue to yell louder at the painting in front of you,

"Oh leave me alone (Y/N) you wouldn't get it. Bullshit! Do you see what you've done? Look at me! I have no family, no home, no friends, nothing because of you and your stupid superiority complex! All of it is gone! Do you hear me?"

By this point, you were actively staring down the painting, pointing and screaming at it,

"I HAVE NOTHING! NOTHING BECAUSE OF YOU! I LOST EVERYTHING AND THAT INCLUDES MY BEST FRIEND! HOW DARE YOU FIVE! HOW DARE YOU LEAVE ME ALONE!"

"Child, yelling at the painting is not going to console your grief." You hear a voice say from behind you

Turning around you find Mr. Hargreeves to be standing there.

"Why do you keep the painting up then?" You retort crossing your arms

"I keep it up to remember the boy." he answers, "I told him not to mess with time travel but he refused to listen."

"He thought he was better than everyone." You comment

"He thought he was better than most people, not all, but most." Reginald replies "Now if you're going to be staying here there are going to be rules that you need to follow."

"Who said I was staying here?" You remark

"You have other accommodations?" He questions

You let out a huff.

"No." you reply annoyed

It was true, you had nowhere else to go and this was probably your only chance of having a home of sorts. You heard the stories of what it was like to live with Reginald and although you didn't want to, you knew that you had no other choice.

"Very well. I will have Pogo inform you of the daily schedule of eating, training, and studying."

"Slow your roll old man, training?" you question raising an eyebrow

"Of course. To develop your powers." He responds blankly

"Listen, if I'm going to live here and have to deal with your rules then I have some conditions. First, I will train my powers and let you research them but do NOT expect me to put on a little uniform and become the only member of the second class of the Umbrella Academy. That's not happening. Second, if you want me to learn something it will wait until the weekend because during the week I want to go to school. Third, I have autonomy of where I go both inside and outside this house. I am not going to live my life solely in one bedroom. Do I make myself clear?" You demand

"I see time hasn't dulled that sharp tongue and insolent attitude of yours." Reginald remarks

"Well what eleven years is to you has been like two hours to me." you retort

"Fine. I agree with your conditions and the schedule will be adjusted accordingly but you MUST stick to it and the house rules or I will not tolerate your requests further." Reginald replies

"Deal." You state curtly

"I'll have Grace deal with your living accommodations. Now keep quiet."

"One more thing. You got his eyes wrong, they're a brighter blue." You say gesturing to the painting of Five

Reginald turns to walk away and you flop down on the couch. This is not what you expected when you woke up that morning...eleven years ago. All of it was still so surreal and you didn't know what to do. So you did nothing, you just laid on the couch staring at the ceiling silently and let the world pass by as it had done already. You didn't notice how much time had gone by until you heard Grace call out,

"(Y/N)!"

"I'm here." You reply sitting up from the couch

"Mr. Hargreeves told me that you're going to be staying with us. I'm so happy to hear that! Now I have the pleasure of being able to take care of you too!" She says happily "Let's get you situated!"

Grace and you walk upstairs and into the hall that housed the former rooms of the children.

"You can pick whichever room you want!" Grace explains "Allison's room is all set up in terms of having girlier items, and Vanya's room is smaller but it's barren so you can decorate it however you want! Luther and Ben's rooms are super organized! We can always redo Klaus or Diego's rooms and there's always Fi-"

"I'll take a look at the rooms and let you know." You quickly shoot out

Grace gives you a slightly shocked look before smiling and saying,

"Oh alright, I'm going to make dinner then. Just let me know before bedtime so I can get some clean sheets for you."

You didn't mean to cut off Grace but Five's room was the only room you didn't check earlier. Going in there wasn't something you were prepared to do right now and it definitely wasn't the one you were going to stay in. It would hurt too much, not only because of all the memories made in there but because it looked right across at your old room which was now frozen in time. Passing the closed door of Five's room you walk down the hall and carefully examine all the other options. You saw that Allison and Luther had two of the largest rooms, and you were surprised you couldn't find a hole cut in their shared wall to secretly enter each others. Nevertheless, Luther had only left recently so you didn't want his room and Allison's room had too much of her stuff in it and you knew even with rearranging you couldn't make it feel like your own. Making your way down the hall you saw Vanya's barren room but decided against it because it was too small. Klaus' room was too messy even though he hadn't been there for years and you felt weird about staying in Ben's room since it was still his when he passed away. All that was left was Diego's room. It wasn't as large as Luther or Allison's but it wasn't as small as Vanya's. You still felt a little awkward about taking it but out of all the options it was the best choice. Hearing a bell ring you went down to the dining room for dinner. Mr. Hargreeves was already there standing behind his seat at the head of the table. You stood behind the seat at the opposite head.

"Sit." He commanded

You sat down and Grace dished out food for both you and Mr. Hargreeves. The dinner was silent, the only sounds were that of the silverware clanking against your plates. When finished you excused yourself from the table. As you were walking away Grace asked,

"Did you pick a room?"

"Ah yes, I'll be staying in Diego's room." You answer

"Well it's not Diego's room anymore silly, it's yours! I'll go get some fresh sheets for the bed."

As you head to Diego's room you quickly get an idea to try and make the room more of your own. Transporting yourself to your old room you grab three items before transporting yourself back to the academy. As you approach Diego's room with the items in your arms you see that Grace had finished making the bed. Entering, you place the items on the desk. The diary replica that your parents gave you, the music box, and the teddy bear that Five gave you. It wasn't much but the items comforted you. Putting on a pair of pajamas you got ready for bed. As you pulled the bedsheets down Grace appeared behind you in the doorway and said,

"Goodnight (Y/N), sleep well."

She started to walk away when you called out,

"Grace?"

"Yes (Y/N)?" she replies

"Do you- do you think you could tuck me in?"

You saw as her expression was both happy and sad in a way. Like there was a piece missing that you somehow filled with that question.

"Of course," She replied a smile coming on to her face

You got into the bed and Grace happily tucked you in. Pulling the covers a top of she couldn't help but feel a sense of completeness that she lost years ago. The house had been so empty since all the kids left, but now she had someone to take care of and although the circumstances were less than great for you she wanted to make sure that she could give you the best. Quietly, she turned the light off and closed the door so you could fall asleep.

After that day the Hargreeves house had become your home. Over the next month, you moved most of your stuff from your old room to your new one. Having your stuff helped to make the transition easier although it also made you miss your past. To pass the time, you religiously wrote in the replica diary about each day but instead of writing dear diary for each entry, you wrote Dear Five. You hoped that if he came back one day you could give him the diary to read about what you were up to so it was like he was always there with you. With some help, you got enrolled in school but wouldn't start until after winter break. Even as you settled into the routine of training and living, you still felt all the emotions that you had that first day. You knew you wouldn't get over them immediately but you wished you had a better outlet. Going to Grace one day you asked her,

"Grace, do you have any ideas on how to get these negative feelings out in a healthy way? I know they won't go away but I'm hoping I can make them less strong."

"Hmm. Well if you put the energy that you spend on those feelings into different activities it might help. You could play the piano again or you can take up a physical sport. I heard boxing is really good for taking negative energy out." Grace responds "Actually I think there is a boxing club in the area. How about you check it out tomorrow?"

"Alright, I can try that. Do you think they're open though, it is Christmas Eve." You reply

"If my knowledge is correct, this one is open 365 days a year." Grace replies

You nodded and once you had figured out where it was you put on exercise clothes. Grace bundled you up in a warm jacket and with that, you walked your way over to the boxing club. Entering you approached a desk where an old man sat.

"Hi, I'd like to learn to box." You say

"You're a little small to learn, don't you think?" He replies

"I have a hundred dollars that say I'm not too small." You state holding up the bill

"Can't argue with that." The old man says taking the cash

He escorts you over to a punching bag.

"Wait here, I'll get you someone to teach you." He says before turning his attention "Hey Kraken, get your ass over here. I need you to teach this kid."

Slowly a man steps out of the boxing ring where he was practicing and walks over to where you and the old man are. The old man walks away as the younger man takes off his gear.  He says,

"Hey, I'm-"

But he stops abruptly. The man just stares at you blankly.

"Are you okay?" You ask

"Sorry, you look like someone I used to know." He says

Something about this man felt familiar but you couldn't place it. The man sticks out his hand to shake yours. You go to shake it but when you look down at his wrist he has an all too familiar marking there, a tattoo of an umbrella in a circle. You look at the tattoo before looking up again at the man and start to recognize the features of the boy you used to know, now all grown up.

"Diego?" you question softly

"H-h-how did you know my name?" He stutters

"I knew it because you do know me. It's me, (Y/N)," you reply softly

You can see the confusion on his face turn into a softer expression. Although it might not have been evident to his other siblings, Diego was a deeply emotional person and you saw that exact look you were seeing in his eyes many times before when you two were younger.

"No. It can't be. You look exactly the same, you should be my age" He questions, the emotion on his face becoming more evident

"Accidentally traveling through time will do that to you. Please you have to believe me Eggo." You begged

He was having doubts that it was truly you but that all went away when you called him that name. It was a dumb nickname you gave him when one time Luther refused to let go of him. You kept exclaiming "let go my eggo" as you tried to use your powers to get Luther off. No one else but you ever knew of that. Tears formed in Diego's eyes but quickly after he wrapped his arms around you and picked you up.

"Hey everyone! My sister is back! We thought she went missing but she's back!" Diego exclaims to the people in the boxing club

There are some cheers and congratulations shouted from across the gym as Diego puts you back down. For so long he hoped that you would come back and now here you were like a Christmas miracle. You were more like a sibling to him in the short amount of time he knew you than his own siblings were. Instead of learning to box the two of you talked. You explained everything that you had gone through and your current living situation. He didn't like that you were living in that house with his father but he knew that he didn't have the means to house you nor properly take care of you. One thing he did know is that he was going to make sure that after all this misery you could have a better life. Even though time had gone on and he was older now you were still like a sister to him but now you were his little sister and he was determined to protect you from any harm the world might throw your way. He was going to be the best older brother he could be to you and make sure that you would not have to face the life he did.

And so for the next five years, Diego was there for every important moment in your life, always trying to support you and make it better. He dropped you off on your first day of school when spring semester rolled around and every first day after. He went to every piano recital you had and sat front row. When there was a father-daughter dance fundraiser he went to make sure you weren't alone. He trained you and coached you in boxing and was there for every single match. He planned a huge sweet 16 birthday party using what money he had. He was the one who took you on your first college visits when you were 17. He took time out of his days to practice working on your powers. For everything, he was there and on top of that, he regularly took you out of the house to spend time with you. You were his little sister, his true sister and he wanted you to know it.

Along with everything Diego did for you, you were grateful for some of the things you had gotten in the Hargreeves house. After about a year or so you stopped calling Grace by her name and started to call her mom. If androids could cry tears of joy Grace would have the first time that word left your mouth. Pogo had convinced Reginald to get you a piano play and in an odd act of kindness, he did. Along with that, your powers developed greatly under the supervision of Reginald and Pogo. You were able to do more in terms of manipulating the molecules in the world around you and were able to start seeing disturbances in them as well. Life wasn't perfect but through the years it got easier. But although you were growing up and trying to move on with your life, even after all those years Five never left your mind for a second. You missed him greatly and hated that the last words the two of you shared were ones of anger. You wondered if he was still mad at you. Each moment of every day Five still consumed your mind and you hoped that wherever he was, in another time and place, that he was doing okay and that one day he would come back to you.

Check out the side story here: 

The Missing Five Years - “Lost In The Past” Side story

Taglist: @xplrreylo @joebob15274 @insatiable-ivy @fruitsaladtree @angelpeachamber @academy-umbrella @lizziel1410 @ir3neeee @faith-quake @aliens-with-colas @eddiomyspaghettio @lady-celeste25 @im-dead-and-hurting @nerdypinupcrystal @cherry-ki-d @anapocalypseinmymind @vicassa @2cuteforyourlies @taylorsmakingfuckingmacandcheese @n1ghtsh4d3-67 @cheshire-salvatore-mikaelson @shadowycreationcupcake @macaroni-mads @metor-showers1994 @fivehargreevesforthewin @rinko-san @supernovavision @cicilisthebest @flickbix @hi-v-juice @magykal-777 @zosiaduda

[words-writ-in-starlight]

for the ship headcanon meme: star trek pairing of choice, #16-#20?

Bet you thought I forgot about this ask meme, fuckers!  And you’re right, I did, but the beauty of forgetting is that sometimes you remember.  Anyway, as always, it’s Michael/Saru Hours, lads.

16) When the zombie apocalypse comes, how do they cope together?

This is not a headcanon, but I have this fragment of a fic idea in my head based on this question, and that fragment of a fic idea is like...some kind of case fic where Discovery finds a planet being ravaged by Basically A Zombie Apocalypse and Michael and Saru get stranded there.  Ideally, for my personal enjoyment, I would want to slot it into the plot of s1 as early as possible, because the best/worst dynamic there would be Michael choking with guilt and yet still one of the finest scientific minds in Star Fleet, and Saru unable to keep himself from pressing on the fresh bruise of loss, unable to trust her, and the two of them still working together flawlessly.

Because that’s the thing, isn’t it?  Even when they can’t stand each other, they argue like a choreographed dance, and when the chips are down and they have to think on their feet, they still move like Georgiou’s trusted right and left hands.

Anyway.  That, but make it zombies.

17) When they find a time machine, where do they go?

If Michael came into possession of a time machine that actually allowed her to reliably control where she went and let her come back, I think she would sit down and try to do the temporal math to figure out how to avert the war.  I do not, however, believe that Michael and Saru, survivors of a fair amount of timeline hopping already, would actually risk going back in time.  I think they would both talk about wanting to go back, specifically because they know the other will talk them out of it, but I don’t think they would do it.

That being said, I would love a lotus eater prison AU where Michael and Saru are trapped in an idyllic dream of a world where the Shenzhou was never destroyed, Michael was being prepared to be promoted off the ship as a captain, and Saru was preparing to take her place, ft a lot of sadness about Georgiou and Michael and Saru working together to find a way to wake up.

18) When they fight, how do they make up?

Michael wears Raised On Vulcan tattooed on her face, sometimes, and especially when she defensive or guilty--if she’s angry with Saru, she’ll tell him exactly what she thinks he’s doing wrong, to his face, and it takes her a long time to learn that she should pull that punch a little more with people she cares about.  On the upside, that means that, when she feels like she’s been out of line and unnecessarily harsh, she’ll walk right up to Saru and tell him, blunt as anything, what she did, why she thinks it was wrong, and that she understands if he’s angry with her.  

This was initially…a weird experience for Saru on several levels, if he’s being honest.  A lot of his experience with people is colored heavily by the fact that very few people know how to deal with Kelpiens, and that means that he’s either handled like glass or he puts in the work to be treated like any of the other crew members. He’s not really sure how to deal with someone who handles him with exactly the same unemotional ruthlessness as everyone else, and it’s disorienting, and it makes him angry that it’s disorienting, because that’s what he wants, but also, Michael is sometimes an asshole.  She’s the first person that he’s ever argued with on the regular—really argued, a push and counterpush, shoving each other away from the science console and pulling out ad hominem attacks in a way that visibly infuriates Michael’s Vulcan training.  But quite frankly, they never felt like they needed to apologize for those early fights, under Georgiou.  It was part of the ship dynamic, to have Burnham and Saru trying to take strips off each other in a very professional and scientific manner.  As long as Saru never took a cheap shot over Michael’s upbringing and Michael resisted the impulse to go full xenoanthropologist on Saru’s species, they were very good at fighting.

(Personally I am of the belief that Michael only tried to pull the I understand where you’re coming from because of what your species makes you after the mutiny, after she was trying to be nice.  Before then, she expected Saru to perform to her standards and fuck the details.  Half the reason he’s so coldly furious with her over it is because he knows she’s trying to manipulate him, because if she wasn’t, she would never play that card, because no matter how nasty their fights were, she always fought with him as a person, not as a Kelpien.)

19) Where do they go on their first date?

There’s a fic that bounces around my brain every time I watch Discovery, and it’s about Michael and Saru having a first date (sort of) very late at night, when they’re both having trouble sleeping.  It’s not an arranged date, they’re not even really friends even though they’ve gotten past the stage of Michael letting Saru flay her alive for her guilt, but Michael is having trouble sleeping and she’s not a prisoner anymore, so she wanders, and Saru, frankly, sleeps like hypervigilant garbage since the Binary Stars, so he has a preferred hiding spot on one of Discovery’s few observation decks.  As Lorca likes to point out, they’re not a goddamn pleasure cruiser, but Star Fleet never built a ship without at least one view panel, not even their top-secret war machine.

Michael is avoiding people—she hates being asked why she’s awake, gets tangled up in her automatic shame over not being able to control her emotions.  It’s the middle of the “night” by ship standards, but Discovery seethes with activity around the clock, especially since Stamets pulls regular all-nighters when he gets really entranced and often has to be peeled away from his work by Local Exasperated Doctor Hugh Culber.  So she ducks into the parts of the ship that she usually doesn’t go, the places that are more for socializing and are empty at this hour, the places that aren’t often used, the places that are quiet.

She finds the observation deck dim and blessedly silent, with the stars spreading infinitely outside.  The room is faintly lit by the nebula off to the starboard bow, the one they’re using to hide their signature while they run some necessary repairs.  It’s a practical use, but it’s also beautiful, every window in the ship glowing with warm reds and golds, and Michael still finds the stars soothing after all this time, and so she drifts up to the glass with the vague plan of sitting down and spending an hour or two there in an attempt at meditation.  She only sees Saru, leaning back against the edge of the viewing window, when she’s close enough to nearly trip over one of his long legs, stretched out in front of him.

Michael, of course, apologizes, and turns to leave.  Saru never really does have a good answer, as to why he stops her.  But he doesn’t ask any questions about why she’s awake and she doesn’t ask any questions about what he’s doing here, and instead they sit in relative quiet for a while before Saru sits up straighter and offers Michael, again, a small bowl of fruit. It’s not familiar to her, this time, but he says it won’t hurt her, that it’s sort of like a lychee, and she believes him.  It leaves a bit of thin red juice on her fingers when she bites into the first one, and he recommends eating them whole to avoid it while she ruefully sucks the juice off her thumb.  It’s good—less sweet than she expected.  Saru settles next to her in the middle of the window and sets the bowl between them, and she asks how he always manages to have fresh fruit, and he admits that he can wring a lot more out of the replicators since he never gets meat. Somehow it turns into—talking.

Michael is startled to realize, around the hour mark of murmured conversation, that she might have literally never just talked to Saru before. It’s—nice.

(Because I’m physiologically incapable of letting things be nice, if I wrote this fic there would be an immediate sequel of Observation Deck Chats Redux, featuring them doing basically the same thing but after Michael gets back from the Mirrorverse.  Michael leans against Saru’s shoulder in a way that she would never, if she hadn’t been awake with nightmares and grief for pushing three days, and she tells him about the Empire like she’s confessing her sins, and they talk quietly about the ghost haunting their ship in the shape of Empress Philippa Georgiou. It’s not nice, but not for lack of kindness.)

20) Where do they go on holiday?

I think Saru and Michael would have two very distinct kinds of “holiday” and they have two destinations accordingly.

The first kind of holiday is Nerd Holiday, in which they find an unexplored planet and appoint themselves to the away team—everyone else on the away team is wryly aware that they are, essentially, third-wheeling a date, but Discovery has watched this whole situation unfold and honestly the popular opinion is that it would actually be easier to deal with a little bit of PDA than the current Very Professional Mutual Adoration Show.  Local Red Shirt Absolutely Agonized By The Very Correct Ten Inches Of Space Between Her Captain And First Officer, Reports As They Come.  Michael and Saru are pleasantly unaware of this and are having a great time arguing over whether they need another sample of that plant if it’s just a different color.

The second kind of holiday is actual fucking shore leave.  They both prefer planets or stations with a large variety of species—Saru is uneasy with being the center of attention among strangers, and since he stands head and shoulders above a decent percentage of the Federation, it’s hard to avoid unless they’re in mixed company; Michael never quite recovered from the perpetual sense of disjoint when it comes to being around all humans or all Vulcans, so being in a place where everyone is different makes her feel less out of place.  Neither of them like big crowds, so they’re the tourists who immediately leave the usual Tourist Area and find somewhere else to be, which has its ups and downs.  The first time they get into trouble on a totally safe colony planet because they decided to go exploring, there’s a beat of them looking at each other and silently agreeing that they won’t be telling the crew about this, because there’s already a running ship joke about what trouble magnets they are and they do NOT need to feed anyone more material.

[infpisme]

6 ‘Weird’ Things Introverts Do That Are Actually Completely Normal

1. You feel strangely happy when your friends cancel on you.

Sure, introverts love to spend time alone. It’s our biggest defining characteristic. However, there are occasional times — and I repeat, occasional — when we want to hang out with people, especially if they are close friends; even the most introverted among us need a few strong relationships to thrive. While such get-togethers may only happen once or twice a week (or less!), when they do, we may be truly waiting for the opportunity to spend time with “our people.”

But introverts, let’s be honest. We also experience this other strange feeling — relief mixed with happiness — when social plans are cancelled. This emotion is something we keep to ourselves; we’ll never tell our friends their last-minute text is actually a piece of good news! For extroverts, who gain energy from socializing, canceled plans usually mean a ruined evening. But for introverts — although we may experience temporary disappointment if we were actually looking forward to the event — it often turns into just another wonderful opportunity to spend a nice evening at home with a good book… or podcast, movie, video game, or whatever.

If you’ve ever felt happy about canceled plans, there’s nothing wrong with you. You’re probably an introvert.

2. You avoid overly chatty salespeople, sometimes to the point of leaving the store without buying what you came for.

The best shopping for the introvert is online shopping. Spending time in a huge, loud shopping mall crowded with people is not a comfortable situation for us. What could be worse?

I’ll tell you what’s worse: being in an empty store with a chatty salesperson who insists on hovering around to “help” with your choice. Sure, it’s meant as good customer service, but this situation rarely makes introverts feel comfortable. The pressure, the attention — we just want to choose which pair of headphones to buy the way we make most decisions — quietly, in the peace of our own minds! For this reason, if I have to go into a store, I prefer the ones where I can stay invisible, walking around without being approached. Sometimes, even I couldn’t find the item I was looking for, I give up and leave rather than having to ask a salesperson.

If you regularly make a point of avoiding small talk with salespeople, you’re probably an introvert.

3. You don’t leave your home until your neighbor is gone.

Has this happened to you? You’re about to leave your home when you hear or see your neighbor in the hallway or outside. Although you have keys in hand (and may even be running late!), you suddenly find yourself frozen in place at your front door. I even used to watch my neighbours through the peephole until they left and my path was clear.

The funny thing is, your neighbor might actually be a wonderful person, and this is not at all an attempt to escape someone you don’t like. As big of an introvert as I am, sometimes I even enjoy talking with my neighbors, when my introvert battery is running high. Despite the memes, introverts don’t hate people, but they do hate being forced into awkward small talk, which quickly drains our energy. I repeat: It’s not that I don’t like you, it’s that my energy levels just can’t take any more fake smiling and “how are you’s?” today.

If you’ve ever hidden from your neighbor to avoid a polite conversation, you’re not alone.

4. You pretend not to see an acquaintance in public.

Like I said, most introverts have nothing against talking with other people — we’re just not always mentally ready for the conversation. Interacting with others requires a certain mood and being “charged up” with energy; it means leaving our favorite place — the internal dialogue in our minds. Sometimes introverts have a funny way of avoiding the spotlight or escaping unnecessary conversations. A typical situation: You’re getting groceries, just walking around the store; everything is going smoothly, until you spy an acquaintance somewhere between the milk and yoghurt.

If you’re an introvert, your first reaction might be to get away as fast as possible, before they spot you. You think: “I just came here to get groceries, not to have conversations with people.” So you simply change your direction and pretend you didn’t need milk. So much for tomorrow’s breakfast — but sometimes it’s a sacrifice introverts are willing to make!

5. You avoid being alone with people you don’t know well.

It’s happened to all of us. You’re with a good friend (someone you feel truly comfortable with, which is rare for us introverts), when suddenly, your friend’s acquaintance shows up. First, it feels okay, and you patiently listen to their small talk, until your friend’s phone rings or they leave to go to the bathroom.

Now you have to start a conversation with the other person, by moving from passive listener to active speaker — a challenge that was not at all planned! It might seem like a small thing, but for the introvert, it can be very awkward, as we generally need time to warm up to new people. I always feel so relieved when my friend is back and takes over the conversation.

6. You check online before you make any phone call.

Why call when you can write? As an introvert, I apply this rule to all situations. At work, if my manager needs some information and asks me to call a colleague in another department, I never do. Instead, I send an email or text. Sometimes my manager gets impatient: “So have you found out about ___?” That’s when I might tell a white lie, saying, “Nobody picked up, so I had to write an email.”

I hope this shows you just how much I, like many introverts, hate the phone. I used to think there was something wrong with me, but now I’ve accepted that this is simply the most comfortable way for me to deal with such situations. There are indeed times when a call is inevitable, so I suck it up and pick up the phone — but in most cases, this trick works. The same thing applies to other services. There’s almost always a way to contact a company via their website chat bot or email. Less stress — happier introvert!

Introverts, I believe the most important thing is to accept that our “weird” behavior is actually normal and more common than we may realize. You’re not “wrong” for being an introvert. It’s okay to save your limited energy and avoid unnecessary interactions that will drain you. As long as you get your job done and are conscientious of others, you should in no way feel guilty for having these reactions.

I used to feel ashamed of myself in these situations, but now I know what’s best for me, so I act accordingly. I’ve embraced who I am — and sometimes I even find myself laughing at my funny introvert moments.

by Alena Sidarovich, IntrovertDear

[moons-and-stars-and-shit]

Okay, this is it:

Appeareance:

- I'm a girl (she/her),166 cm tall, athletic (i'm a black belt karate athlete and a great swimmer), i have small abs

- I'm Asian, with a pair of big but sharp eyes(people say i look emotionless and cold thx to how i look at everyone)

- Massive RBF

- I have dimples (they're so deep, they even show everytime i purse my lips or pout)

- Black, long, wavy hair, my sister always use it to experiment new hairstyle or hairdos

- I have the sixth eyes, i can see ghosts and auras (it's common in my country, i still keep it a secret from people around me tho)

Personality:

- INFJ, quiet, perfectionist, very patient, caring, analitical, emphathetic and understanding but somehow, still very logical

- Sarcastic, witty, super observant, and kinda smart, i always plan things beforehand

- Since i am introverted, i prefer to stay at home reading novels, playing games, cook, and draw smth (any activity that involves staying at home, i have mastered it)

- ✨Social anxiety✨ (on the outside, i look extra cold, unapproachable, and intimidating; but on the inside, i'm trying to calm my breathing)

- I always try to escape from the real world due to my ability, it's kind of a burden to know a little too much

- I'm a great cook, and i always do the house chores (i have a little sister that i have to take care of since my parents aren't around)

- I'm creative, and artistic

- I overthink things a lot (high brain capacities, but kinda in the wrong way😅)

- I'm kinda like akaashi? Idk, i always relate to him everytime he talks(sometimes, we share the same train of thoughts throughout the show)

- I am so observant, to the point where my friends think i can read their minds cuz i always know what they're trying to do or what they're thinking(my ability takes part in this, but they don't know that)

- I can either be a complete genius who solves problems in a matter of seconds or a complete idiot who forgot what's my name

Fun fact:

I have never dated someone before, but i always know how to deal with everyone else's problems (i have become a personal therapist).

I might be introverted, but i don't mind going out as long as i already trust my bf. I don't really see the point in going for hours just to go shopping for clothes (you could just spend it to play at arcades or go eat somewhere).

I also have a collection of oversized clothes (my friends and families thought i have a boyfriend, but no).

The only reason why i can dance and know abt make up and those other girly stuff is because of my dancer sister (i would love it if my bf could get along with her)

My family members have a lot of foreign people inside, so i have to learn many languages and master it, including the traditional language (i think it's called polygot? Idk)

@vi-navier-23

Romantic Matchup

Tendou Satori

𝐇𝐨𝐰 𝐘𝐚𝐥𝐥 𝐌𝐞𝐭

Ok so I've mentioned this in one of my Hc

Tendou has a lot of ghosts hang around him

Very childlike ghosts mind you

So whenever you saw him around

You always saw that he was accompanied by a child's spirit

Like ALL the time

This cause a lot of questions to appear in your mind

Did he know about these spirits?

What do they want?

Why is it always a child's spirit with him?

Eventually, curiosity got the best of you so you went to talk to him

You just went up to him explaining how you know it sounds bizarre but you could see ghosts

Then you proceeded to explain that he has quite a few spirits hanging around him

Even pointing out the one that was currently with him

You were expecting him to call you weird or crazy

But he just looked at you with stars in his eyes

He thought it was super cool that you could see ghosts!

You both had a conversation about ghosts and third eyes and all that jazz

You liked that he didn't treat you differently because of your special skill

So you started hanging around him more often

You guys would just do casual hangout things like play video games or read together

And on some occasions, you would even go to his games!

So his feelings for you grew very slowly and very subtly

But they grew nonetheless

And you couldn't deny that you enjoyed the redhead's company

So when he finally realized his feelings and asked you out

You found no reason to say no 😘

𝐖𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐓𝐡𝐞𝐲 𝐋𝐨𝐯𝐞 𝐀𝐛𝐨𝐮𝐭 𝐘𝐨𝐮

He loves your hair

He especially loves playing with it

Him and your sister like to try styles on your hair together

He loves how empathetic you are

He feels like he could tell you any of his issues and you would just listen to him and do your best to understand him

And that's all he could ever really want in a relationship

He loves the fact that you can cook

Because A: if you ever cook him something it makes him feel especially loved

And B: He likes the fact that whenever you two make dinner together you cook the actual food and he makes the desert

Look at you two being a dynamic duo and shit 😛

He loves how observant you are

You two have this in common

It's good because you both can tell when the others upset without having to tell each other

And you both just solve the problem accordingly

Honestly, he really doesn't mind that you're a homebody

He actually kinda enjoys it

I think he actually likes having some downtime

Now don't get me wrong he's still gonna be his goofy self

But just in a calmer manner if you know what I mean

𝐅𝐚𝐯𝐨𝐫𝐢𝐭𝐞 𝐓𝐡𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐬 𝐓𝐨 𝐃𝐨 𝐓𝐨𝐠𝐞𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐫

He honestly just loves hanging around you

You guys could be inside doing quiet activity's

Or actually out in the world being more outgoing

You guys could really be doing anything

Hell even your sister can join if she wanted

As long as he's with you he's happy

But a favorite of his is playing video games with you and your sister if she chooses to join

However, these moments get a little competitive

So be prepared for that

𝐑𝐚𝐧𝐝𝐨𝐦 𝐇𝐜

Tendou and your sister get along very well

Like sometimes they'll just hang out together for funsies

And that just warms your heart to see

He will 100% let you wear his clothes

And since there's such a size difference, his clothes are absolutely HUGE on you

But they're comfy so no complaints 😗

Every time you and Tendou decide to go out for a date it will usually be at an arcade or like a trampoline place

You know...fun places

He definitely agrees that going to places like stores is kinda dumb

But he also gets most of his clothes online soooo 👀

𝐎𝐯𝐞𝐫𝐚𝐥𝐥 𝐀𝐞𝐬𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐭𝐢𝐜

Gloomcore 🌧