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cuntdestroyer3000 · 5 months ago

Text

The hand that feeds

moodboard just for vibes, not a physical description of reader, dividers by @cg1rl

Godless pt 2: dark!outlaw!Joel Miller x f!reader

Summary: It's your first morning at Joel's camp. You try to adapt to your new life and struggle with who to trust. However, you can't help but enjoy the way Joel provides for you, or the way he fucks you. Dual POVs, part one here, playlist

Word count: 8.4k

Warnings: dark, dead dove, dubcon, noncon (reader doesn't have any other choice), stockholm syndrome, reader is captive and considered to be Joel's property, unprotected piv sex, voyeurism, light somnophlia. HELLA SMUT, smut all around. dom/sub dynamics, praise/degradation kink, sir kink, no physical description of reader, No use of y/n.

A/N: I'm FINALLY DONE. I fr thought I'd never finish but I'm glad to finally get this posted. Thanks for being patient and pls use tags if u reblog <3

As dawn light filtered through the thin curtains on the windows, Joel stirred. Rising with the sun did, as always. There was a lot that needed to be done and he found that laying in bed for too long led to unwanted rumination. The dark thoughts he fought constantly began threatening his mind the minute he awoke.

This morning however, he let himself linger. It had been a very long time since he'd woken up feeling the warmth of a woman in his bed. You were cuddled into him, your chest rising and falling rhythmically. He took in your peaceful expression, eventually letting his eyes fall to your bare breasts.

He pulled back to better see you, running a thumb over one of your nipples, watching it harden.

He cupped a breast and squeezed it gently. You shifted a little and he massaged you, his eyes falling over you hungrily. His hand moved, following the curve of your waist up and down. He played with you for a while; he stroked your side, ran his rough fingertips over your soft stomach, and snaked his hand around to squeeze your ass. He let his fingers drift down to your pussy and smirked when he felt how wet you were. He wondered what you'd dreamt about, if it had been about him. He played with your clit a little, making you moan softly in your sleep.

It took everything in his power not to lose control and ravage you right this moment. He'd really been keeping himself in check since he'd acquired you but the mere sight of you drove him crazy.

He had felt the same way when he'd seen you at the saloon, he'd tried to ignore it but he had already started talking himself into finding a way to take you back with him.

He figured you were used to being fucked often, but he was still holding back. You were just such an exciting new toy, there felt like endless possibilities for what he could do to you. But he didn't want to break you in all at once. He was a calculated man, always careful with how he handled you. But there was a yearning he constantly kept at bay. It had taken everything in him not to rip your clothes off the minute he saw you.

He savored you for as long as he could, before finally tearing himself away. You were hard to resist but there were things that needed his attention urgently.

He sat up in bed, rubbed a hand down his face and stretched, trying to ease the aching in his joints.

He pulled up his jeans but left them undone. Donning nothing else but his boots and jacket, he headed outside with his rifle.

The morning air was misty, a thick fog hung over the trees like a blanket. Joel imagined it would make one feel at peace. He wouldn’t know, he’s never felt at peace, well maybe once…a long time ago.

Some men were up and milling about. Two guys were sitting at the fire pit, smoking and taking periodic swigs from their flasks.

“Mornin’ Joel.” One of them greeted him and he nodded in return.

He surveyed the grounds once more and, deciding everything was normal, headed off in a direction he hadn't been in in awhile.

The crisp dawn air made his cheeks cold and he shivered slightly as his nipples hardened. He trekked through the chaparral terrain, looking for game.

He liked hunting, he never felt more in control than he did when he was out in the woods with his gun. Although being between your legs might start coming close.

Joel was able to catch some rabbits but he still wasn't satisfied. Besides, the sun had just started warming his skin. He decided he wouldn't leave until he caught something worthy of bringing back. He had a new mouth to feed after all.

After some time, he finally caught something, a buck. Impressing himself- though he'd never admit that to anyone.

He slung the beast over his broad shoulders, his jacket hanging from its antlers and the dead rabbits swinging from where they were tied to his hips.

It was later in the morning when you finally awoke. You opened your eyes blearily as light filled the cabin. Stretching out in Joel's bed, you couldn't help but feel comfortable under all the soft blankets. The cabin looked nice in the daylight and you could make out the dust particles in the rays of sun coming in.

You weren't sure how to feel. You were still upset about being taken away, but you were glad you were living in a house with a warm bed. Then there was the way Joel had fucked you last night. You couldn't help but shiver at the memory, him pummeling your cunt in a way you'd never experienced before.

You pulled on a thin slip and wrapped a shawl around your shoulders. You hesitantly made your way out the door, the sparse grass poking your bare feet.

Squinting in the bright sunlight, you saw Joel emerging from the tree line with a dead animal slung over his bare shoulders. You gasped softly at the display of strength and prowess as he walked past his cabin, making eye contact with you.

The sight of him rendered you breathless. A familiar aching bloomed between your legs as you took in his pumped up muscles, his bare torso slick with sweat and blood from the animal. He looked so wild, almost as if he himself was a predator of the unforgiving wilderness. The dark look in his eyes awakened something primal within you.

You shivered despite the warm air and pulled your shawl tighter around you. Your knees felt weak and you leaned against the doorframe for support. Picking up on his obvious effect on you, Joel gave you the faintest smirk and hoisted the dead buck up over his shoulders with ease, his hungry gaze lingering on you as he passed by.

You stared after him, watching his muscular back as he moved towards a nearby shed. You watched from afar as he dropped the heavy carcass behind him, rolling out his neck and shoulders.

His men were in jubilation at his catch but Joel remained stoic, providing merely a nod to the man thumping his shoulder.

As he turned around, his eyes fixed on you hungrily and he set off purposefully in your direction. You stumbled backwards from the doorframe, not expecting this reaction, worried you had somehow done something wrong.

He appeared in the doorway shortly after, startling you even though you knew he was coming. Blood streaked down his bare chest and stomach. Your gaze traveled down to his ample package, threatening to escape from his undone jeans. His eyes were wild and he was breathing heavily.

You were simultaneously terrified and aroused by him. You backed into the wall and looked around with uncertainty as he slowly made his way over to you with heavy footsteps. He got close to you, crowding your space, causing your nose to wrinkle at the smell of the blood still on him.

"Joel..." You mumbled.

"Look at me." he said softly.

You forced your eyes up to meet his. His gaze was dark and piercing, you weren't sure what he was going to do. You wanted him but the blood and stench of dead deer was disgusting you.

He reached out for your face with a bloody hand and you flinched back instinctively. Irritation flashed across his face and you felt a bolt of fear go through you. You'd actively disobeyed him.

He looked down at himself and scoffed,

"You afraid of a little blood?" He taunted you.

You shrugged and looked at the floor.

"You don't like it when I catch food for you?" He pressed, causing your stomach to turn over.

You quickly shook your head,

"N-no sir-"

He got closer, towering over you and crowding your space. You winced as you pressed yourself against the wall, struggling to breathe due to the odor.

You tried to even your breathing as you looked up at him, his dark eyes bored into you. It frightened you how you could never gauge what he was thinking. His expression was always hard and unreadable. He hadn’t explicitly done anything to you yet to make you fear him so, but the stories you’d heard about him while living in the brothel were enough to chill you to the bone.

After a few tense seconds he scoffed,

"Guess that whorehouse was awful fancy." He moved back towards the door, but you remained frozen.

"Get on the bed." He said flatly, "I'll be back."

While Joel cleaned up, you situated yourself on the bed, unsure of what position to be in. Your heart pounded as you anticipated his return.

You knew what he wanted, he had probably been out in the woods for hours. He was no doubt exhausted and craved a release. It was typical of the men you spent your time around. Tired and tense, craving control.

You couldn't help but crave Joel too. You couldn't get the way he had mounted you last night out of your head. The way that dark hunger had filled his eyes, thrilling and frightening you at the same time. You also thought about how wrong and fucked up it all was. He had taken you away from your home, and was keeping you as his own personal whore. The brothel wasn't much better, but at least there you’d had your friends.

You tried to calm yourself down by thinking about how he's been caring for you, providing for you. You remembered how he had made you feel last night. You'd laid with much worse than him, men who didn't know how to truly please a woman.

Joel did.

You're lost in your thoughts when you notice him standing in the doorway, his torso glistening from washing himself off. You look down coyly with your hands in your lap.

He slowly made his way over, his bulge at your eye level, his still unzipped jeans accentuating his rock hard cock. A wave of arousal rolled through you, your nipples hardening and pussy growing wet in anticipation of what he was going to do to you.

You slowly looked up to him, his stare intense and his soft brown hair unkempt. He held you gently by your chin with a rough hand as you gazed up at him submissively. With his other hand, he tugged on the strap of your dress.

"Take this off." His voice was low and gravelly, making your head spin.

You weren't sure why, but the command sent a thrill through you. To be fair, it wasn't like you had a choice anyway.

"Yes sir." You said quietly, trying to push down how eager you were to obey him. In truth, your core lit up with excitement as you lifted your dress over your head.

His hand cupped your cheek as you sat, completely bare for him, the illusion of sweetness made you melt and without thinking you leaned your head forward against his soft stomach.

Joel chuckled softly at the gesture, running a large hand over your head, holding you against him. He was surprised at how easy it all was, how easily you obeyed him. You'd seemed to have fallen into your role of a submissive whore quickly, and it was hard for him to tell if you were just playing the part or if you really wanted him. Your cunt felt good squeezing him either way though.

He quickly slid a hand into his pants, freeing his aching cock. You had your eyes closed so you didn't even realize what was happening until it bumped against your cheek.

Your eyes fluttered open and you stared up at him, knowing what he wanted. He stared down at you with anticipation, his eyes blown out with lust. His hand tightened around your hair, pulling you closer to him.

You couldn't help the fear that rose within you. Sure men had used your mouth before at the brothel, but Joel's cock was much bigger than any of theirs. You were worried about being able to take it all.

Joel clocked your hesitation and inhaled sharply, yanking your hair harder.

"The fuck are you waiting for?" He sneered.

His harshness shocked you, especially compared to the way he'd held you last night.

"I-" you started before you were interrupted by Joel shoving his cock into your open mouth, making you gag.

You choked on his thick length as he ruthlessly fucked your face.

You tried your best to breathe through your nose as you choked and drooled on his cock. You stared up at him through teary eyes. His muscles flexed as he thrust into your mouth, his beefy chest heaving.

His brow furrowed as he moaned, gasping and throwing his head back. You couldn't help but notice how beautiful he looked like this, both in control and a slave to his desires.

Your admiration of him was cut short as you gagged especially hard. The feeling sent a bolt through your pussy and you moaned around him.

"Ohhh yeah baby." Joel laughed as he watched you drool around him, spit dripping down onto your tits, "You like chokin' on this cock don't you."

Your moan turned into a gag as he grazed the back of your throat again. You'd become accustomed to having men use your mouth, you'd liked to think you developed some skill in the area. But Joel was not like the men in your town. He was longer, thicker, rougher. He held your head in place as he fucked your mouth, not seeming to care when you gagged especially loud.

You felt fear rise within you whenever your stomach turned over and it felt as though bile would rise in your throat. Whenever you would gag especially hard, Joel would ease you off of him, but only a little bit so that you could breathe before fucking into you again.

Unhinged and fueled with adrenaline from his hunt, he fucked you until he came. He was so pent up, all he could focus on was his impending release. Even when you started to make desperate noises and fought to pull your head off of him.

His grip on your hair only tightened as he forced you down, finally coming deep down your throat. You coughed and sputtered around him and gasped for air when he eventually let you go, his come dribbling messily down your chin where you'd failed to swallow it.

You panted as he sighed and released you, tucking himself back into his jeans but still leaving them open. You looked up to see that he hadn't shut the door, and several of his men were watching you. You weren't sure how long they had been there for and your face grew hot with embarrassment as you quickly looked down and wiped your mouth.

Joel huffed out a laugh,

"No use bein' all shy about it now, girl."

You didn't respond, still trying to clean up your face. He grabbed your chin roughly and made you look up at him.

"Answer me when I talk to you." He spat.

"I-I'm sorry." You scrambled to please him. Despite your past experience in the brothel, you still found yourself feeling exposed and vulnerable in front of his men.

Joel followed your gaze to the doorway and then looked back at you.

"Don't mind them sweetheart. They just like watching."

You nodded shakily.

"You're used to bein' watched' aren't you?" His voice dropped lower, the rasp of it making your pussy even wetter.

You hesitated for a moment too long and his hand reached down to grab your neck forcefully.

"I asked you a fucking question!" He shook you causing you whimper as his grip got tighter, your head starting to feel fuzzy.

"Yes sir!" You gasped.

He let go of you and stepped back with a smirk.

"Tell me what you like, baby." He murmured as his men began to trickle into the room.

You couldn't ignore the way your pussy bloomed with arousal. You could feel yourself slipping away into this role, it was already starting to feel natural. You hated the excitement you felt at the thought of being put on display by Joel. But then again, if you were going to be doing this no matter what, you might as well enjoy yourself. You told yourself that this was no different than the brothel, where you serviced multiple men a day and were often watched during it.

"I-" You bit your lip and let your eyes travel over his men's hungry stares before finally settling on Joel. You told him what he wanted to hear, but figured it wouldn't hurt to tell him what felt good for you as well.

"I like being watched." You mumbled, and after a pause you gained a little more confidence, "I like being watched when my cunt gets used." You said softly, locked in an intense stare with Joel.

You swore you could see his breath hitch, his gaze grew even hungrier, spurring you on.

"I like it when you give me orders." You continued, "I like it when...when you tell me I'm good." You finished the last sentence even softer. That one held the most truth, all you had ever really wanted was to be good.

Joel walked up and ran his hand over your head, cupping the side of your cheek in the way that made your heart flutter. He smiled down at you like he had when he'd given you his jacket at the campfire last night.

"You are good." He murmured.

He pushed you back uncharacteristically gently unlike he had the night before and you laid back, spreading your legs open compliantly for him. You couldn't deny how eager you were to give in to him, especially after the events of this morning. Watching him provide for you like that, catching such impressive game all by himself. He smirked as he viewed your cunt, glistening with the evidence of his effect on you.

He stepped aside and turned to his men.

"Prettiest little pussy in the whorehouse, n' it's all mine."

You throbbed sickeningly in response. You were trying to let go, you kept telling yourself that this was the same as the brothel. But you knew it wasn't. There was no Mr. Polk around here to make sure you didn't get too roughed up, or too humiliated. These were outlaws, they could do whatever the fuck they wanted.

"I love fucking her little whore pussy." One of the younger men piped up.

Joel turned to him,

"You loved fucking her little whore pussy, Beans. You ain't gettin' any more of it."

The man, apparently named Beans, frowned and a few of the other men grumbled, obviously disgruntled at the news that they didn't get to play with Joel's new toy.

He turned back to you,

"She's all mine." He nearly growled. You felt a twisted sort of relief flood through you. At least Joel was the only man who would be fucking you, and he did it so well. If you were his property, wouldn't he do anything to protect you?

You rapidly rationalized being on display like a piece of meat and watched with heavy lidded eyes as Joel reached forwards and slowly circled your clit with his thumb. You sighed and arched your back as he moved down to your opening, spreading your wetness all over. He applied more pressure onto your clit, watching you closely as you started to fall apart.

The pleasure dulled the constant grief that you had been feeling since you'd left home, at least it was a bit of a distraction. You let yourself get lost in it and writhed under the eyes of all his men. Moaning loudly, you gave them the show they were all so desperate for as Joel easily drew an orgasm from you.

You heard him laugh before he landed a spank to your pussy making you cry out and spread your legs even wider.

The men in the small cabin murmured in amazement. Your cheeks heated up as you realized how enthralled they all were with you, how you were the sole subject of their attention, and their desires.

You looked up at Joel, your chest heaving. He smirked down at you, seemingly satisfied with your performance.

"Good girl." He stroked the top of your head before sitting down, pulling you onto his lap and squeezing your ass in one of his massive hands.

"Get the fuck out." He barked at his men.

In the days that followed, you ate the venison Joel had caught and kept your head down.

You tried to learn what Joel liked and what he didn't, but it was hard. He didn't speak to you all that much besides when he gave you orders or fucked you. The initial shock had started to wear off, and it was starting to become clear to you that this was it, this was your life.

Whenever that particularly terrifying thought crossed your mind, you looked for ways to distract yourself, you usually just trailed after Joel wherever he went. He mostly liked to sit in silence by the fire, outside when it was warm. He'd whittle, drink, or just sit and stare into the flames. You couldn't guess what he was thinking about.

One night you came out to join him, sitting in front of his legs on the ground.

"What are you doin' out here?" He asked after a while, his eyes still boring into the campfire.

You shrugged,

"Just...wanted to keep you company."

He looked down at you, his face cold and tinged with what looked like a profound sadness, something that went so deep you weren't sure you could ever figure it out.

"I don't like being alone." You mumbled out, looking down at the grass.

He didn't respond, just stared back up at the fire.

Your heart sank and you laid your head on the inside of his thigh, strangely finding yourself wishing for a shred of affection from him.

He didn't move, didn't acknowledge you further but didn't make you leave either. You began spending nights like this with him often, where he'd sit and stare into the fire and you'd sit between his legs on the ground, your head on his thigh, gazing up at him.

It usually ended with him hauling you up into his lap, taking you into his cabin and fucking you.

It was only after he'd brutally pounded your cunt, his cum still leaking out of you, when he’d pull you into his arms and hold you fiercely. The rush you felt in those moments was indescribable, you hadn't felt so warm, so cared for, so held in such a long time.

You saw a different side of him when you both laid tangled in his blankets. When he stroked your back, running his fingertips over you lazily. It was as though he allowed a softer side of him to show through, just for a little bit.

You began to crave these intimate moments with him, the high from your multiple orgasms still washing over you. Feeling the closest thing you could to contentment. You began to enjoy night time a lot more overall. The main reason being that you didn't have to be conscious. You liked your rituals with Joel though, how safe you felt laying with him in those moments.

The rest of the time, he was hard and distant, making you want him even more. It drove you crazy, how you felt so connected with him yet he was still a total stranger to you.

He also couldn't keep his hands off of you. Whether it was simply a hand on the back of your neck or pulling you in front of him, cupping your pussy and grinding his hard cock into your ass no matter who was around, reminding you and everyone else exactly who you belonged to.

It was strange to you, how this man could simultaneously be so cold and distant but still hold you so close at night. You wished you could talk to him, you wished you could talk to anyone. The only people who could understand were miles away.

In the days that followed, you grew to feel more and more alone. You felt like you couldn't trust anyone here.

When you weren't being fucked, you tried to find ways to spend your time. You mostly read, wrote in your diary, or drew. You also explored the camp as much as you could, making sure you never ventured too far, lest he and his men think you were trying to run away.

Running away had crossed your mind, but you didn't even know where you would go. You had traveled for so long after Joel had bought you, the desert landscapes you had seen out there all looked the same.

Besides, you were sure you'd run into trouble out there. You had never traveled for long distances alone, you didn't know how to hunt, you could barely build a fire.

Not to mention what people could do to you out there, a pretty woman all alone. You were better off with Joel, whether you liked it or not.

One afternoon you decided to sit outside and read. You'd grabbed your Bible, only keeping it at this point because it reminded you of your father.

You were beginning to feel slightly comforted as you read, being brought back to sitting in church, Sundays that felt like a lifetime ago, before you heard a chuckle and an unfamiliar voice.

"Never thought I'd see a whore readin' a Bible."

You looked up from where you laid on the grass to see a handsome man, younger than Joel, looking down at you with a smirk on his face.

You had no idea how to respond to him, you sat up in the grass and looked around but there was only one other man milling about in the distance.

"I-I like reading it." You forced out, your voice small.

"You a good little Christian girl?" He teased and you felt your face grow hot. You looked up at him, his brown skin gleamed in the golden sunlight and his deep brown eyes looked kinder than most of the men at this camp. Still, he made you uneasy.

"I don't know." You shrugged and looked down, yanking at the dry grass, "It just...feels nice...readin' it."

He was quiet and you looked up out of the corner of your eye. He stepped closer so that you were at eye level with his covered cock, just a few inches away.

"You believe in God?"

You were quiet.

You looked up at him where he seemed to tower over you, his head cocked to the side and his hands in his pockets.

"I-I don't know." You mumbled.

He just nodded.

"Shit you been through, I ain't surprised."

"I-" You started and took a breath, realizing how meek you sounded.

"Sometimes I think He's there watching over me but...it’s gettin’ harder to think like that." You stared straight ahead into the tree line, wondering how close Joel was.

"No shit." He breathed out, "After all, what kinda god would let a nice little girl like you end up like this?"

The words hit you like a brick and your stomach churned with nausea because you knew it was true.

This man had no doubt seen you on display multiple times at the brothel, seen you debase yourself along with all the other girls there. Now, things have gotten even worse for you.

You couldn't find it in you to respond because you knew you would agree with him, and you couldn't bear to speak the words aloud. You stared at the ground as your fingers clenched at the grass, yanking the blades out in a nervous fidget you'd picked up a few days since coming here.

He crouched down and stroked your cheek with a finger, causing you to flinch away.

"Relax baby," He breathed, "I ain't gonna hurt you."

You tensed up but let him touch your cheek again, your eyes darting around nervously as if Joel would suddenly appear, full of rage at the sight of another man touching you.

"Hmm" He chuckled, "Shame I never got to try out your pretty little cunt before Joel took you all to himself."

You gasped softly.

"I'd take good care of you." He smirked and swept your hair out of your eyes, he leaned in closer, "I wouldn't have been able to keep my mouth off of you." He breathed, "Can't stop thinking about how juicy your cunt looked when he was showin' it off to all of us."

You shuddered as he ran a thumb over your cheekbone before turning your face to look at him. You stared at him, willing your expression to neutrality, trying not to let any of your emotions show.

You stared at each other for a while, the tension between you palpable. He huffed out a light laugh.

"Who knows," He murmured, "Maybe I'll get my chance someday." He pulled your bottom lip down slightly with his thumb. You stared him down, refusing to give him anything.

"Well, we got some supper on the fire." He said, suddenly casual as he stood up and began to walk away, "Joel's aimin' to be home by sunset." Then he stalked away, his walk smooth and alluring.

You didn't know what to make of the interaction, or of the way your pussy throbbed and wetness pooled between your legs.

Joel made it home as the golden light began to disappear and the sky deepened to a dark blue.

Your spine stiffened as you saw his silhouette breach the horizon. You had relaxed somewhat throughout the day, with Joel gone. He'd left at dawn, the bed cold by the time you woke up, and you found a part of yourself wishing he’d been around but also relishing his absence. He could be so terrifying and unpredictable and it had been nice to get time by yourself. Still, you had felt a strange yearning for him to return, yet now that he was here...you weren’t really sure how you felt.

Adrenaline flooded your system as he came closer and closer, dismounting his horse and bringing it into a small paddock a ways away. You got the sudden urge to run to him.

Your fear and hatred along with arousal and attachment towards him made you feel sick. You opted to sit on his bed, pretending to read one of your books.

Your heart pounded as you heard him walking up to the door. It slowly swings open, the creak of the hinges sending a bolt through you. Joel trudged in, his body heavy with tiredness. He leaned against the wall, sighing as he closed the door and toed off his boots; shedding his outer layers, he laid down his rifle.

You stared at each other a moment before he slowly made his way over to one of his chairs and flopped down.

You kept your eyes trained on him over the edge of the book and his dark gaze bored into you. Every muscle in your body was tensed and ready, you knew what was coming.

Joel jerked his head in a motion for you to come over and you stood up almost too quickly. He registered it with a small smirk on his face, making your core ache.

You approached him slowly, pulling your nightgown over your head and discarding it on the floor somewhere. You let your hips sway as you walked towards him, his eyes transfixed on your bare breasts and the curls that sat between your thighs. He licked his lips and you knew he was desperate to taste you.

"C'mere" His voice was deep, almost a growl.

He pulled you into his lap, having you straddle him in his chair. You expected him to pull his cock out and sink you down on it right away but instead he sighed and leaned back, letting his eyes run over you.

Your cheeks warmed and you forced yourself to keep eye contact, trying not to shrink under his searing gaze.

"Where-um, How was your day?" You stumble over your words, unsure of the right thing to say. You found yourself wanting to talk to him about anything. The only conversation you'd had with a person today had been the mysterious man who had approached you a few hours ago.

"Was alright." He muttered absentmindedly as he ran a hand over your head, letting his fingers trail down to your chest.

"Oh..."

You couldn't bear to let the conversion die before it even began so you tried again.

"What did yall do?"

He ran the tips of his fingers over your breasts, making you shiver. He looked up again, his eyes cold.

"It ain't right for a lady to hear."

You kind of liked it when he said things like that, made you feel like a respectable woman instead of the whore that he knew you were.

You couldn't help but huff out a laugh at the thought.

"I think I can handle it," You gave him a small smile that he did not return, "I've seen all sorts of things at the brothel."

Joel's expression grew harder,

"I ain't nothin like the sad pieces of shit that go to that place." He spat and you flinched.

"I-I'm sorry." You said quickly, you tried to duck your head down but Joel grabbed your chin roughly and made you look at him.

"I was out providing for you." He sneered, "You wanna hear about all the fucked up shit I've done? You wanna hear about my fuckin' day?"

His words shocked you and you squirmed in his hold,

"I-"

"If I tell you about all the people I killed today, is it gonna make your cunt wet?" He spoke, his voice deeper, huskier and you gasped.

"Today?" You couldn't stop yourself from recoiling as you looked at him in horror. He stared right back, his face a cold hard mask.

Your blood ran cold as he circled your breast with his finger, getting closer and closer to your nipple.

"What'd I tell you?" He scoffed, "Y'don't need to be hearin' about all that."

"I just...wanted to know..." You trailed off, unsure of what you had even been trying to do by starting this conversation.

"Well I don't wanna fuckin' talk about it." Joel rolled his eyes, "Look at how scared you're already gettin'."

"I'm not scared." Your tone betrayed you completely.

Joel huffed out a laugh, you weren't fooling him.

"It's okay darlin'" He purred in your ear, "I like it when you're scared."

His voice made you shiver with arousal.

"Makes your cunt get so tight." His voice took on an edge of desperation as he sunk two fingers into you.

You let out a sharp moan as you clenched around him, squeezing his forearm.

Joel just laughed softly, huskily.

"Yeah that's right. Ride my hand like the good little whore you are."

The way he spoke to you made you feel so dirty, it felt so wrong to find any semblance of enjoyment in this. But it was the fact that it was so wrong, so twisted, that filled you with a strange feral desire.

You tried to shove your conflicting thoughts away, focusing instead on how he was making you feel, how good he thought you were for him. You moaned as you rode his hand.

Joel suddenly pulled his fingers out of you making you whine at the loss of contact. He laughed at you, how desperate you must seem, how pathetic; a sad little whore he found and took home with him.

He stuck those same fingers in your mouth, making you jerk back at the bitter taste. Joel grunted and held the back of your head in place, keeping his fingers in your mouth.

"Clean 'em off for me." He commanded.

You tentatively closed your mouth around them and sucked, a spike of arousal shooting down to your pussy. No man had ever had you do this before, made you taste yourself.

"Yeah..." He whispered as you sucked on his fingers harder, whimpering.

He pulled them out and ran his wet fingers over one of your nipples, pinching and making you cry out.

"Couldn't stop thinkin' about this." His voice was still soft as he trailed his fingers down your stomach, "bout you..."

He rubbed painstakingly small circles on your clit, making you moan even louder.

"Couldn't stop thinkin' about your soft little cunt, all wet and grippin' my fucking cock."

His words had you in a tailspin, the fact that he was this infatuated with you, all he could think about was your cunt. Not just any whore's cunt, yours.

You knew it was fucked up but some part of you reveled in how wanted you were by this man, how prized.

"I thought about you too." You confessed softly.

"Mmm did you?" Joel murmured and moved a lock of your hair away from your face.

"Yes" You whispered and hid your face in his neck, his large frame engulfing you as he reached around you and dragged a finger from the front of your pussy all the way up to your asshole.

You moaned and shivered, rolling your hips against him shamelessly. This wasn't like working at the brothel, where the men you serviced so often became a blur. You were lucky if the encounter was half pleasurable. Most of the time you would pretend you were enjoying it, it was all just a performance for you.

But this...this was real, raw. Joel made you feel weak, like you couldn't resist him.

"I know" He whispered in your ear as he began rubbing circles on your clit once more, "I know"

"Joel" you whined and pawed at his chest as your orgasm rose within you. In the soft light of the cabin, you let it all melt away, everything except this, this feeling.

You gasped as he moved his fingers faster, moaning into his neck as you came, your release coating his fingers and dripping down into his lap. You looked down in shock, then looked back up at him.

You just stared at him, you weren't sure what to say. That had never happened to you before. After a while Joel smirked and moved his fingers back up to your lips. You opened your mouth immediately and sucked on his fingers again, it made your sensitive cunt throb with arousal and you whimpered around him.

"Mmm fuck" Joel murmured, "You made a mess baby."

You froze with his fingers in your mouth. Was he mad? You hadn't meant to.

Joel seemed to sense the shift and withdrew his hand.

"I'm sorry..." You swallowed, your face burning.

Joel, to your surprise, laughed.

"You poor thing, they didn't take very good care of your little cunt down at that whorehouse did they?"

"No man there ever did what you do to me."

"And what's that?" He asked, his tone laced with arrogance and a hint of playfulness, it spurred you on.

"No man down there looked at me the way you do." You said softly, and you knew that it was true, from the moment you had locked eyes.

You ran a hand down his shirt, unbuttoning as you went. Your conflicting feelings about him earlier were far away in the back of your mind. Because he was right, none of the men back at the brothel had ever been capable enough to take care of you, not like him.

"No man there touched me the way you do." You continue, kissing up his jaw making him moan.

"No man there has ever made me orgasm like that." You let out a squeal right after as he spanks your ass.

"I know" He growled, his forehead pressed into yours, "I could see it in your eyes. Knew you needed a real fuckin' man."

You whimpered and nodded,

"Joel please..." Your hands clawed at his belt as his hands enveloped your breasts, you arched your back as he massaged them.

"You fucking want it don't you?" He panted, and you nodded feverishly, "You little fuckin' whore."

You moaned at his words and he spanked you again,

"Thought I told you to answer me when I talk to you."

"Fuck I want it." You moaned, "Please Joel, please I want your cock."

"Go 'head and take it then."

Your stomach fluttered and you reached for his belt buckle before you could talk yourself out of it. Because all you wanted in this moment was him inside of you.

You deftly pulled out his cock and sat up, letting him align himself with your cunt before he grabbed your hips and pulled you down. You cried out at the stretch, at how fucking good it felt to be full of him.

"Oh fuck" Joel sighed and leaned his head back in his chair, closing his eyes as he let out a slow deep breath. You felt his whole body relax, tension he'd been carrying with him throughout the whole day finally leaving him with every squeeze of your cunt.

You just sat there for a moment, watching his chest rise up and down and his eyes flutter. He slowly brought his head back up to face you. Sighing again as he began running his hands over your body, playing with you languidly.

This was something you had begun to learn about Joel; when he could, he liked to take his time with you. It was almost tantalizing.

He ran his fingertips ever so lightly up your sides, making you shiver and clench his cock. He groaned and gripped your side as he leaned in and kissed you bruisingly, licking into your mouth and claiming you all over again. You moaned against him as he held the back of your head.

You let him take you, consume you, carve a space for himself deep inside of you. This was nothing like anything you'd had back at the brothel.

Joel broke the kiss and leaned down to take one of your nipples into his mouth, sucking gently as he held your breast in place. The sensation sent an electric current through you and you gasped, your hips beginning to grind on him of their own volition. He moaned against you and wrapped his arms around your back, pulling you even closer. His tongue swirled around your nipple as he sucked and bit you, driving you over the edge.

You began grinding your hips on him faster, chasing your high with a deft precision that came with being a whore. Joel pulled his mouth off of you, gasping and moaning. His eyes wide and face contorted in pleasure.

You rarely saw him like this, saw his carefully placed mask slip and got a peek at the feral, crazed man underneath.

Your cunt spasmed around his cock as your pleasure built within you. You chased it desperately, the day had been so dull and empty; suddenly you needed this.

“Mmmm Joel” you whine, your voice getting more and more high pitched as you grabbed at his hair and leaned forward, using your hold on him to drive his cock deeper into you.

“Fuck wait-“ Joel’s gruff voice in your ear was cut off as he moaned depravedly. He struggled to keep quiet, his hold on your hips tightening.

He was coming undone, unraveling at the intense and feverish pace of your hips, snapping forward over and over again, riding him like you would a horse.

He rolled his hips up to meet yours desperately, his eyes locked on the way your tits bounced as you rode him.

Your moans got more and more high pitched as you neared closer and you dug your fingernails into his shoulders as you chased your high.

Joel tried to move you off of him but you were so close. Without thinking you pushed him back in his seat with all your strength and ground on his cock, letting it move and massage that special place inside of you.

Your pussy spasmed around him as you soaked him, shuddering and moaning. The pleasure felt unreal and you moaned and panted, letting your head fall onto his chest as your hips slowed; feeling like you’d been sent to another world.

Suddenly you felt Joel’s hands on you, pulling you off of him in a vice grip and throwing you down onto the bed.

“Who the fuck told you that you were in charge?” He seethed, his face flushed, hair wild and cock rock hard, glistening with your cum where it jutted out of his jeans.

You couldn’t help but let your eyes fall down to it.

Joel scoffed and got down on the bed. He got between your legs and pulled you by your knees so that his hardness bumped your cunt.

“I’m sorry,” you moaned as his tip brushed against your clit, “you just felt so good.” It was a weak apology and Joel knew it.

He shoved his cock into you, hard. He set a brutal pace immediately, snapping his hips against you over and over. You cried out at how sensitive you were.

“You wanna use me to get your little cunt all satisfied?”

“No…” you managed to gasp out as you clutched onto the bedding for dear life.

“That ain’t how it’s gon’ work around here sweetheart.” He spat, “You don’t get to fucking disobey me.” His voice rose as he fucked you even harder than before. His cock was hitting so deep inside you it began to hurt.

“I won't, I wont I promise!” You cried out.

Joel growled as he wrapped a huge hand around your throat,

“Just gotta put you in your place don’t I?” He rasped and drove his cock inside of you.

His hold on your throat caused your head to spin and your pussy to throb. Thankfully the pain you had felt earlier was beginning to turn into pleasure and you could feel another orgasm rising within you.

You were too sensitive though, every stroke of his cock was too much. You whined as you hurtled towards the edge, not even feeling like you were ready to fall off of it.

Your release hit you like a train and you screamed and shuddered as you clung to him, crying out his name over and over again as if it were a prayer.

You panted as you came down but Joel didn’t let up the pace. You sucked in a breath and tried to move off of him but he held you in place.

“I ain’t done yet sweetheart.”

“Joel please I-I can’t…”

“Can’t imagine a whores cunt could ever get tired.” He smirked and you knew he was punishing you for how you’d used his cock earlier.

“None of them were like you.” You choked out, “None of them had your cock.”

Joel moaned and seemed to lose himself in the rhythm. You continued to tell him what you knew he wanted to hear.

“I-I’m sorry, I just couldn’t resist you…your cock Joel…it-“ you whined as he hit deep inside.

“What?” He panted, his eyes crazed and his hips rhythm getting uneven, he was close.

“It’s perfect.” You breathe and realize that you’re not lying, at all.

Joel lets out a string of moans as he comes deep inside of you. You sigh as the warmth fills you, soothing your abused pussy.

Your cunt flutters around him as he lies on top of you, catching his breath for a moment before he gets up, pulling out of you.

He clears his throat as he steps away and you reach out for him, only to have him ignore you.

“Joel?” You ask tentatively as he sits back down in the chair.

“Spread your legs.” He commands.

Your stomach flares with arousal and you feel your puffy and used cunt throb all over again.

You slowly spread your legs for him, showing him what he’s done to you. The cold air felt somewhat soothing on your swollen cunt and you moaned softly as you clenched around nothing.

You feel his cum leaking out of your hole slowly. Joel watches it, his eyes transfixed on your cunt.

“Good girl.” He murmurs

He couldn’t tear his eyes away, mesmerized by the mess between your thighs. The way your pussy would sometimes clench and spasm, forcing more of his spend out. He wondered if you even knew you were doing that.

He began loading up his pipe with tobacco when you shifted.

“Keep ‘em open.” He grumbled and settled back, sparking up. He breathed deep, letting the smoke fill his lungs.

“Sorry.” You propped a pillow between your back and the wall, making sure to keep your legs spread for him.

“Yeah…” he breathed, “should be used to it, keepin’ your legs spread all the time.”

He watched as your eyes widened and how you sucked in a breath. Your cunt spasmed and he smirked. It was a great idea to have you spread open like this for him; he could see exactly how his words affected you, because he knew they did.

“Men at the brothel never wanted to just look at me like this.” You cut through the silence, your voice soft and breathy in a way that made him want to fuck you all over again.

Joel’s eyes flitted up from your cunt up to your face.

Your expression was a mix of apprehension and wild desire.

“None of them ever really looked at me.”

He smiled, you were coming along so well.

“I like seein’ what’s mine. Seein’ you like this...” He took another puff, “Can’t hide nothin’ from me when you’re like this sweetheart.”

Your eyes darted around and you tensed, your cunt clenching around nothing.

You still didn’t close your legs. Joel couldn’t help but laugh softly, you were coming along very well indeed.

@pedge-page just remembered that u asked to be tagged in pt 2 lol thanks for the support❤️

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kedsandtubesocks · 7 months ago

Text

graveyard heart

Post Outbreak!Joel Miller (Hades) x F!Reader

summary: your mom, a FEDRA officer, warned you about the darkness lurking - it arrives as the underworld smuggling king and he is indeed dangerous (but oh so terrifyingly beautiful)

warnings & tags: 18+ ONLY MDNI. dark themes || dead dove: do not eat. loose retelling of the Hades & Persephone myth, canon divergent, kidnapping, hostage situation, enemies to lovers, age gap (reader’s age not mentioned but is a drinking adult & was a child on outbreak day), dubcon - power dynamics & possible stockholm syndrome, morally gray!Joel, controlling/complicated parental relationship, brief scenes of assault (not from Joel), canon typical violence (gun usage, blood, fights with infected, awful raiders and fireflies), discussion of grief/character deaths, angst with sexual tension, masturbation (f&m), smutty thoughts, finger sucking, cum eating, poetic allusions to smut, light spit kink, protective!Joel, slightly possessive!Joel

word count: 11.6k (i’m sorry)

a/n: HI PLEASE READ & BE AWARE OF THE CONTENT WARNINGS. This is my first stab at darker content for the fandom & I’m a bit nervous, i kindly ask that if this isn’t for you pls just keep scrolling - so i blame my 2014 8tracks hades & persephone playlist for this but here are are lol! this is my piece for @beskarandblasters the pedro pantheon challenge! also the biggest thank you to @pr0ximamidnight & @ahauntedcowboy for being the absolute angels & letting me scream about this lol, now to you, if you’re reading this too I also can’t thank you enough ♡

(i)

You rarely go outside after curfew, much less to a gathering hosted by smugglers.

Boston had one of the most prolific and stubborn smuggling systems across all the quarantine zones, or so from what you’ve heard. Your mother and the other FEDRA officers had mentioned many times how, once the fireflies were extinguished, the smugglers were the next to go.

Especially the man in charge of the entire network.

Known as the most prolific and notorious smuggler, no FEDRA officer has even seen him.

The ruler of the smugglers, the king of the underworld.

Now, you’re here at a secret warehouse gathering apparently hosted by the illusive man.

It’s rather impressive. Outside is a large warehouse, decayed and ancient. Inside, the old office spaces were gutted out to create a new building. Commotion radiates from it.

The underground world was painted to be something out of a terrifying horror story. The parties had been urban legends whispered around the QZ. Your oldest friend had urged you to finally sneak away to one.

“This will be your fun night out to celebrate your new big adult job!” She had argued. “And besides, you need to live a little. Don’t worry about your mom, just enjoy having fun for once!”

Your mom. If she knew you were here she’d pop a blood vessel or worse.

But your friend is right. You want to experience more, don’t want to feel stuck under your mom’s watch forever.

Panic still crawls over you though, like at any minute your mother might walk in and scream your name catching you.

“Y’okay there?”

You didn’t realize you’d be dazed out for so long until a voice draws you out of your thoughts.

The accent is so strikingly thick, a drawl you don’t hear often. The man standing by the mixture of the homebrewed moonshine takes your breath away.

Ruggedly handsome, with a beautiful striking nose, older and wearing the lines of age gracefully with his gray hair, he seems brewed of something fierce and wildly beautiful.

You almost feel too stunned to talk, but manage to blurt out an apology.

“Yeah I’m good, just never seen a party like this.” You admit.

The man hums a bored sort of noise before he nudges towards the table.

“Want anything?” He offers, and nodding you tell him to surprise you.

Even with a scruffy glare on his face, the man’s eyebrows raise ever slightly, surprised.

The drink he hands you is harsh, stings your nose, isn’t anything like the liquor you’ve drank with your mom. You even cough at its harsh taste.

“Don’t tell me you never drank before.” The mystery man’s voice sounds offended.

“I’ve drank before.” You fire back. “Just never anything like this.”

The man’s dark rust colored eyes survey you, actually scan you up and down, making your skin tighten, feeling strangely judged and exposed.

He takes a sip of his own drink, yet his gaze continues watching you.

“So ya lost? Is that how you ended up here?” His words are simple, cold, and a frown tugs at your lips.

“My friend was invited, decided to tag along.” Your reply is blunt

“Your friend,” he nods. “And they’re where?”

Notorious for being a roamer, even when you were younger, you’re not surprised your friend wandered away for a moment.

“Guess just went to enjoy the rest of the party.”

“It ain’t a party.” The man says deep.

“There’s alcohol, people enjoying half ass drinking games, this looks like a party.” You shrug surprisingly braver. Guess the home brewed alcohol did that.

This mystery man’s face scrunches up, like he’s annoyed with you. He simply just takes another sip of his drink.

Apologizing low, you also thank him again for the drink and decide to exit. The man doesn’t stop you. Now you go looking for your friend peeking around the party. No sign of her.

Slightly worried, you check outside.

What you discover petrifies you on sight. Your best friend tries to leave from the shadow of the guy she’s talking to. Before she can leave, his hands grab her arms, a dark prison refusing to let her go. With full force he slams her against the wall. A small scream escapes her, and fear drowns her eyes while the guy grins demonically.

You rush over fast. All you have is the drink on hand, but once you’re close enough you slam the hard plastic right against the man’s face.

He screams in pain at the sudden attack.

“Leave her the fuck alone!” You scream not caring you’re being loud. You scurry to grab your friend quickly.

“You little fucking cunt!” The attacker roars and turns to you. Wild blood streams down his nose.

He swings his fist, and you try to escape the path of impact. But it still lands a solid hard hit against the side of your head. A scream comes from your friend and everything stings. You try remembering the self defense training your mom tried drilling into you.

Until a hard impact cracks in the air.

You blink into focus. Your assailant is now on the ground.

And the grumpy mystery man you met stands above with a bloody knuckle.

He’s the one who punched the guy.

“What the fuck man?! Fucking bitch hit me first!” The bastard on the floor screams.

“Get the fuck outta here. Or else.” The mystery man barks.

The guy on the floor’s eyes go wide, like he’s finally taking in the man above. Even in the dark, you witness terror rise fast across the guy’s face.

In a possessed panic, the assailant snaps up and simply leaves.

Your head throbs where the hit landed, yet your eyes stay stuck on the man who came to rescue you.

A soft voice suddenly eases in, and you’re met with a striking older woman.

“Come on, let’s get you both back inside.” Her name is Tess, and she holds a sharp grace to her as she guides everyone to the makeshift kitchen.

You want to help your best friend clean up, but Tess orders you to sit down and reassures she’ll take care of your friend in one of the bathrooms.

“You need to sit and get your head checked out.” Your friend tells you, worried.

Before you can even move to follow her and Tess, your scruffy savior waltzes in.

“Sit down.” He barks at you and moves to grab a cooled bottle to hold against your head.

You hiss when the cold glass touches your head.

“You smashed the shit outta that drink into that fucker’s nose.” The man begins with a gruff mutter. “Got a lot more fight in ya than y’look.”

You snort.

“I just acted fast that’s all…” you mumble back.

Turning to the man, you earnestly thank him. However, his deep eyes, almost the color of ancient rust, already stare at you. His gaze is intense, sharply piercing.

“So why do you guys even throw parties? Does your boss know it doesn’t seem safe.” You comment.

“Mainly to show off the products we got.” The man explains gruffly.

Made sense.

“Wait, is your hand okay?” You suddenly blurt out remembering the blood staining his knuckles.

“M’fine.” He answers and moves his hand away before you can try examining it.

Footsteps walk into the room, and Tess returns. Her eyes gleam soft.

“Your friend’s doing good, actually making jokes and everything.”

Relief floods in.

This may be the sign to head home. It would take a lot to sneak back to your best friends’ apartment, especially this late.

“Headin’ out?” The man asks when you return from checking in on your friend.

You nod weakly.

“Don’t. It’s late. Plus we got space in the back you two can crash in.” Tess reassures, and you graciously thank her.

“Don’t thank me, Joel was the one who offered.” She grins nudging the man.

Joel, his name - it’s beautiful.

Joel glares terrifyingly hard at her. Tess simply shrugs.

So you thank Joel, even use his name. This serious but stunning man doesn’t say anything and instead walks towards the other door.

“Come on.” He suddenly commands. You and your friend rapidly follow him.

Just as promised there are rooms safely tucked away. Though room is a gracious term with the stacks of various boxes and rusty cluttered furniture, but you won’t complain.

Joel says nothing, simply shows you the room then leaves.

“He’s weird as fuck.” Your friend whispers. You had to agree.

Even in this back room space the hum of the party continues to leak in. The lights from the hallway become a sliver under the door.

Soon enough boots thump outside the door, and your eyes creak open. From the light under the door a shadow moves. You’re worried for a moment until a darker shadow goes to rest against the door.

More footsteps, lighter ones, come.

“Gonna sit there all night? You’ll get a creak in your fucking neck.” Tess.

“Just get back to the party.” Joel.

His voice rumbles back, and you feel wide awake now.

He’a staying in front of the door, keeping watch.

You don’t know this man, just met him tonight. But you’re comforted knowing he’s here. Safety is hard to find in this world. Yet soft residuals of it seem to reside buried within Joel.

When you wake up however, he’s gone nowhere to be found.

On the walk home, your best friend is thankfully upbeat.

“You know,” she comments. “I’m actually kinda a little bummed we didn’t get to meet the scary head smuggler guy.”

You laugh, a dark humored type thing.

“Yeah me too, but after last night I’m kind of glad.” You agree.

You might not have met the infamous smuggler kingpin, but meeting Joel felt precious in its own strange way.

(ii)

You run into Joel again - literally bump into him.

Trying to put all the papers and books into your bag, you step outside the school and collide into a hard body. But instead of stumbling and falling back, firm hands steady you. All your items still drop.

Something fierce constricts your throat when you focus on who you ran into.

Joel, a very grouchy Joel.

You immediately ramble out a mess of apologies while you try picking up everything. Joel silently crouches down to help gather your fallen items.

“You’re a teacher.” He notes with a gruff low rumble.

“Oh, uh, yeah. Just started this week…Someone’s gotta teach the kids what the water cycle is.” You joke.

He snorts very faintly, and your heart jumps.

The handsome man has been in your mind ever since the party. Now he’s materialized here.

Your mom calls your name walking out of the building.

In her commander FEDRA officer uniform, you hate more than ever that she’s wearing it.

“Who’s this?!” Her eyes immediately flicker suspiciously to Joel as she smiles politely.

“Someone I just ran into that’s all.” You quickly answer.

Rapidly you turn back to Joel and politely thank him again for helping pick up your scattered papers.

Joel statically nods. But you don’t miss the way his eyes narrow at your mom before he leaves.

Your mother doesn’t seem to pay him any mind, not bothered by a stranger. A very FEDRA Trait.

When your first late night working at the school comes, that has your mom worried.

“I can call in and walk you home once you’re done.” She urges.

You’re an adult. You’ve faced scarier things. After much persistence, thankfully your mother begrudgingly relents.

The sky looks beautiful when you step out of the building. You can’t see the stars often from here but still feel comforted seeing a few twinkles above.

“Keep staring off like that and you’re gonna bump into someone again.”

The familiar gruff voice jolts your heart into overdrive. When your focus whips back to earth, Joel stands a few steps away.

“Fancy running into you again.” You beam, feeling your heart flutter at the sight of him.

Joel shrugs. “My way back from work came this way again.”

“Mind some company?” He nudges his chin towards you and you quickly, embarrassingly fast, you welcome him to join you.

Joel falls into step besides you.

You ask about how his day went, and he shrugs simply saying it’s been fine.

“So, your mom’s a FEDRA officer.” He suddenly comments.

You had a feeling he’d mention it. You almost want to make a joke that she just stole the uniform. But it’s hard with how Joel’s gaze seems to simply pierce through whatever he sets his eyes onto.

“I promise,” you blurt. “I haven’t told her about the party or anything.”

Joel nods, silent again.

Abruptly he stops walking. You do as well. The soft evening lights color the streets a dingy muted gray. The curfew call would arrive soon. There’s already barely anyone on the street.

He sighs turning to you. That sword's sharp piercing gazes of his makes you worried.

“This is my stop here.” He nudges to the apartment complex across the street. “But can walk ya home, if you want.”

You exhale relieved, even find fondness sneaks in.

“Oh no, it’s okay, it’s late anyway.” You earnestly thank him.

Suddenly a hand swings across your face out from behind. A cloth covers your mouth. Before you can even scream your eyes flicker heavy.

Joel is the last blurred sight you see before darkness overcomes you.

Groggily opening your eyes, you’re now in a barren basement type room lying on a mattress on the floor. Immediately you spot Tess. Then you notice a man with a large rifle standing by the door.

“What the fuck happened?!” You scream.

“Hey, relax.” Tess says eased. “It’s nothing personal.”

“Nothing personal?! What the fuck do you do to me?! Why am I here?!”

Before she can answer you, Joel waltzes into the room. The room shadows paint him a terrifying creature who stares at you hard.

“Look,” Joel’s voice is cold, unwavering steel. “I’m gonna be straight with ya. We ain’t doing shit to you. Just need your mom to make FEDRA give us what we want.”

Your eyes go wide.

You’re being held as a hostage.

Before anything else can be said, another man steps in.

“Sorry boss, but we’re getting word there’s chatter on the coms.” The man explains to Joel.

He nods then glances over to you from his shoulder.

“Y’don’t do anything fucking stupid and we might all make it out of this alright.” That’s all Joel says then exits.

The man with the gun nods to him almost as a sign of respect.

Even though so many thoughts buzz around in your head like angry wasps, it clicks fast.

It’s Joel.

Joel is the infamous underworld smuggling king.

(iii)

The rest of the day is a blur. You’re left alone and cry into your hands until it hurts. The man with the gun standing guard outside your door doesn’t seem to care. Tess at one point returns with cleaner clothes, even offers you a shower and a meal, but you stay silent.

Some of the smugglers pop their head into your room, curious about the new hostage.

“Aw, you’re too pretty to cry.” One of them grins.

“Yeah there’s someone else I could give ya to cry about.” Another snickers disgustingly, and you want to crawl into yourself.

Joel barks a hard loud yell.

“Any of you fuckers so much as even looks in there again or even dares touch her, you’ll have to fuckin’ deal with me, understand?!” Joel commands, a god among chaos.

It’s not entirely comforting, but it’s enough.

Not a soul walks by your room after that.

Later that night Joel comes with rations and more water.

“Y’need to eat something.” He suggests. You don’t even move to touch the food.

Joel sighs, placing his hands on his hips.

“I’m doing this to find my brother, simple as that. Need FEDRA to give us a good car or even a battery at best to get us on the road.” Joel explains sharply, methodically.

All of this for his brother. The love of a family member in exchange for the love of another. You understand, even can sympathize, but you hated this still, hated him.

With thorny malice, you glare hard at Joel staying silent.

He frowns harder, and it highlights his wrinkles. Joel doesn’t say anything, simply clenches his jaw and leaves the room.

In the room’s solitude, you try formulating a plan. If you just get a gun you can maybe make your way out of this place.

Whatever this place is, it’s the central base. It’s hard not to listen to all the commotion and talk done in the other room. The smuggling empire is terrifyingly impressive. From what you’ve caught there’s multiple routes and tunnels that operate for different means. Some smuggle in necessities like food or medicine, while others provide arms.

Joel orders and strategizes it all. Tess is just as in charge and orders commands as well.

“You should eat.” Suddenly the guard on the other side of your open door suggests.

You’re almost tempted to throw the rations out the door.

A sudden explosion cracks above and the ground rattles. The air stills, and everything shifts.

“Fireflies!” Someone screams.

This is your chance. In the rush of the commotion and the echo of gunshots, you hope to escape.

You’re left alone.

This is it. Adrenaline pumps through you fast as you frantically search for an exit, a gun, anything. But the chaos swirls fast. More yelling arrives underground, and gunshots fire off closer.

But your legs start buckling, and your eyes start getting foggy too. Fear comes fast. Did they maybe drug you?

No. You just realize…you haven’t eaten this entire day.

Now it’s getting hard to walk.

Stumbling, barely keeping focus, you lean against the wall. Your body feels like it’s going to crumble.

“Oh, look what we have here.” Someone coos. A shadow soon falls over you. “Fuck didn’t know the smugglers had someone this cute.”

This can’t be happening.

Your lips tremble while fighting back tears, can’t even focus on who’s around you.

“Maybe we can keep her as a nice treat.” Another voice laughs, and your stomach feels sick.

A gunshot rings into the hallway. A body collides so hard and fast on the floor it makes your vision focus. Crimson spills onto the concrete. When you snap your focus aware another firefly man screams in anger until Joel takes him down with ease.

Disrobed relief spills into you. Joel’s here.

In this fucked up moment you’re about to cry grateful because he’s here.

But your vision blurs more, and your body feels light.

Then your world again goes dark.

Sunlight this time wakes you up.

Panic causes you to bolt up fast, but the dizziness hits you. Hissing, you steady yourself.

“Don’t get up too fast.” Joel’s dull voice speaks from the abyss.

You’re in a small apartment now, or the decaying barebones of one. In one small room is the kitchen and a living room. You rest on the couch while Joel sits at the table.

“What happened?” You ask with a croak.

Joel nudges to the small dusty coffee table where water and rations sit waiting for you.

This time you don’t hesitate to snag them.

Joel explains all that happened. The fireflies attacked the tunnels for supplies, and it spilled into the base.

“Used the underground tunnels to make it outside the QZ. Then, came here to a safe house.” He finishes.

“Where’s Tess?” You ask.

“Stayed back. Need someone to communicate to me how the deal’s going.” You suddenly notice the radio sitting on the countertop.

“So it’s just you and me.” You mutter.

“Un-fuckin’ fortunately.” Joel replies with a hard scowl.

Your mind tries to settle now.

You’re in a home in the middle of fuck knows where. Your hope of maybe escaping is not as bright as it was in the underground compound. So you steadily resolve yourself to accept this situation. Your mother will come. She will find a way to make the deal and you’ll be back home.

When you finally glance out the window you discover you’re on the outskirts of the QZ.

Infected roam here.

“Shouldn’t we head back into the QZ?” You ask worried.

“And have you turnin’ my fuckin’ ass in? No way in hell.” Joel glares at you.

“Infected are out here.” You snap fierce.

“And you got me. Won’t need to worry ‘bout ‘em.” He says simply.

It isn’t that reassuring, but you think of how he’s proven himself already to be rather sturdy even for his age.

“So are we just gonna wait until we hear something?”

“Yeah.” Joel answers with a deadly deadpan that refuses to leave room up for any discussion.

The space stays in a tense thickness until the radio flickers to life scaring the shit out of you.

Tess over the radio gives an update. Still no word from FEDRA. Instead she goes into discussing work with Joel.

They talk in code, use numbers and different colors to describe things. But at one point they let the code slip. You piece it together easily. They work with FEDRA officers to get certain supplies. You knew FEDRA wasn’t squeaky clean, even argued about it with your mom. But this just solidifies the murkiness of it all.

None of them have a car or battery to give.

Joel ends up falling asleep in the chair at the tabled hands crossed over his chest. You now snoop around the place quietly. There’s an extra backpack for you as well as various contraband items still waiting to be delivered.

You silently steal one of the liquor bottles and place it stealthily in your bag.

You also unpack what’s in the bag.

The change of clothes Tess had first offered you, a few rations, a flashlight. No weapon though. You do spot flint, and that’s slightly reassuring.

The sun starts to dwindle. You need to rest. It’s obvious you’re not going anywhere for a while. So returning to the couch you close your eyes.

Then the howl of a clicker wakes you.

Instinctual primordial terror has your eyes snapping open wide in fear. Before you can move, you discover Joel beside you. Even in the dark you see a finger raised up to his lips.

Keep quiet.

You nod, sealing your lips tight.

The ominous clicking noise rattle outside the hall. You almost miss it with how loudly your heart hammers in your ears. The infected’s chatter sounds fainter as it wanders down the hallway.

You exhale through your nose, hopeful this means the infected is close to maybe leaving.

Until the radio flickers to life blaring a tune.

Horror collides into you fast. The clicker roars. Joel acts immediately raising his gun to shoot the radio silent. But it’s too late. The infected screeches, rushing down the hallway with violent steps until it rams into the door with full force. You hold back a scream.

Joel fires at the door, and a loud thud follows.

“Come on!” he snaps, scrambling to get up.

More would come. You slide the backpack on, and instantly follow Joel in a frantic rush.

Heart racing, you stay close to Joel while the two of you rush to escape out of the apartment complex. Screeches of more infected approach.

The night is dark, but Joel is surprisingly keen in maneuvering the area. He leads you into another ransacked building and holds his hand up, a silent sign to stop.

You’d be stopping here. You’re glad. All of your body feels weak. You haven’t seen a clicker up close in years. Now fear eats away at the adrenaline.

“We’ll stay here until daybreak.” Joel speaks barely above a whisper. “Get rest while ya can.”

You’re afraid to sleep now. Don’t even want to think about it.

Suddenly he says your name.

It’s the first time he’s ever said it.

He stares somberly, seriously at you. Joel must have seen whatever fear ran across your face. You fully take in the sight of him. Standing tall, his strong rifle in hand, he’s the image of unwavering determination.

“Sleep, I’ll be up.” He orders.

The distrust you hold for his man slowly is ebbing away. You know he’s simply keeping you alive for the bargain, but it’s enough for now. So you sit on the ground, try to just close your eyes and gather yourself together.

Sunlight again wakes you, and Joel continues standing watch.

He glances back to you, and with his stoic stome nature, he nods.

Time to move.

The journey through the debris and fallen memories of Boston is quiet, tense. Joel stays closer to you the entire way.

“Have another safe house just outside the edges of the city limit. We’ll be safe there.” He mutters low and you nod.

The smuggler king leads confidently. Even though you’re still petrified of infected, you take in the sights of the city. The intricate green vines, the lush landscape among the bones of civilization, it’s all a haunting sight, but you also think of how beautiful it is.

“Y’ever been outside the QZ?” Joel suddenly speaks low.

“Once,” you tell him truthfully. You had been a child then and you barely remember the journey.

“So you’ve been in Boston this entire time?” Joel asks now, sounding curious.

You have. It’s why your mom has such a high ranking within FEDRA.

“Your accent…where are you originally from?” You decide to ask questions now too, keeping the same low tone as Joel.

A part of you assumes he won’t answer or will just respond sarcastically.

“Texas.”

You’re surprised he answered.

“You're a long way from home then.”

He hums a noise that sounds like he agrees.

“Must have been a journey to get you all the way to Boston.” You note, now more curious about him.

Joel stays quiet for a moment, then replies with the lowest ‘yeah’ effectively ending the conversation.

Soon the buildings fade away. The forest creeps in denser as the suburbs approach.

At the edge of the neighborhoods, a home sits splintered off inching into the woods. It seems like the perfect secluded safe house base.

The place hasn’t been touched in a while. Leaves scatter across the title floor, and dust covers so much. You’re thankful this has more space than the small apartment. Joel immediately slings his backpack off then opens a door leading down to a basement. You follow him.

“Don’t fuckin’ follow me.” He snips, yet you stay behind him. He doesn’t stop you.

Instead Joel flickers on many camping lanterns and illuminates the basement. The stockpile here is barren, hardly any weapons or canned goods. Of course a radio sits on the table. Joel flickers to life, but no one answers when he sends his Morse code clicks. His face grows dark with worry.

“Please get me if you hear anything from my mom.” You finally say quietly.

“Yeah, will do.” Joel agrees somber.

It’s enough for now.

Two days pass. No sounds come from the radio. You and Joel walk around each other on egg shells and rarely speak. It’s suffocating. So you rummage around the house to find something to do, anything.

You find a deck of cards and it feels like a gift from above.

Quietly in the living room, you set up a lone game of solitaire on the coffee table. Or patience, as your mom loved to call it when she taught you how to play. Seems perfect to play now. You flip through the cards, placing them at the correct spots and columns.

“Solitaire?” Joel’s voice surprises you. But what shocks you even more is him moving to sit on the floor.

“You play?” You question.

“Not in a while, play other card games like poker or black jack.”

“I play blackjack.” You perk up, and Joel’s eyebrows rise slightly shocked.

You hand him the deck, cleaning up the rest of the cards and start a new game with him.

The game is tense at first, like you and him are still trying to navigate the thick tension. You peek at your cards and he glances at his.

He wins the first game, but now you’re determined.

Eventually you and him get sucked into playing. So many matches pass that when you win Joel pouts, throwing his cards down.

You burst out laughing. It feels like it’s been so long since you’ve laughed, and it’s freeing.

“You’re a sore loser.” You tease.

“I ain’t.” Joel rumbles back, scowling harder.

“Mhm, yeah sure. There’s a candyland box nearby I can get to prove you are.” You surprisingly joke, buoyant.

Joel shakes his head.

“I’ll show ya who’s a sore fuckin’ loser when I beat your ass at poker.”

“I don’t know how to play poker. Go Fish or nothing else.” You shrug.

Then, Joel snorts. It’s not a laugh, not even anything special, but it eases the strain among you and him even more. He starts shuffling the deck and hands out the cards to you.

With the most stern of voices, so seriously Joel, he asks if you have any sevens.

You laugh into your hand.

“I’m being fuckin’ serious!” He snaps.

You laugh even harder.

In this fucked up moment, in this murky situation, this brightens your soul.

A week passes.

Over the radio you hear Tess tell Joel flat out how heavy it’s gotten in the city.

“The fucking fireflies…FEDRA, everything, it’s gotten fucking insane… we might not get the car, or even the fucking battery Joel. We need to think of a plan b.”

Your stomach twists sick. Where was your mom? And what would happen if they decide you’re not worth the hassle anymore.

Shakily you head into the bathroom and sob into your hands trying to stay as quiet as you can.

Soon you’re a shell of yourself.

When you step back outside however, you’re resolved. Instead of the basement, Joel now waits in the kitchen, and his eyes widen seeing you.

“What’s wrong?” His voice picks up with a wind of worry.

“Joel.” You begin calmly and somber. “Be honest with me…”

You ask him the question that’s been haunting you.

What will become of you if FEDRA doesn’t hold up their bargain? If even your mom can’t follow through?

“Will…you get rid of me?” You speak soft, without even having to divulge more, but the festering rotting truth lies under your words.

The silence feels sharpened.

Joel quietly speaks first.

“No. Won’t do that to ya.” He mutters.

You don’t know if he’s lying or telling the truth.

You and Joel simply stare at each other. So much hangs tangled and barbed between you and him.

All you can do is simply nod. You swear his eyes soften for just a moment.

Another week passes. No signs or commotion from FEDRA. It’s beginning to feel like you’re in a room slowly filling with water, like you’re on borrowed time.

But you manage to pass the days with Joel through more card games. You try playing Pictionary with him, but his attempt at drawing a dog looks like a camel, and you laugh so hard at how badly he pouts.

It’s becoming amicable now, you and him.

But supplies are running low. Joel doesn’t sugar coat that harsh truth.

“There’s another stop we can go to from here, but I’m hoping we won’t need to.” He’s still waiting, hoping for FEDRA to answer.

Eventually the night settles in, and you’re surprised he joins you for another card game.

Right now you and him try another game of poker. You’ve come to learn you are not very good, which is also why you think Joel likes playing it knowing he wins.

“So how does a Texan far from home become the king of smugglers?” You try to ease the air by pushing more conversation with him.

“Just something that happened honestly,” Joel mutters, passing out the weathered cards.

“Got involved with my brother back when we started traveling outta Texas and just…never stopped.” He reveals.

“Your brother, he’s the one you’re looking for…” You remember.

“Yeah.” Joel agrees low.

“I hope you find him.” Gathering the cards dealt to you, you mean those words.

“Thanks…hope we can get ya back home.” A hint of sincerity leaks into Joel's voice and you appreciate that.

You’re about to deal your hand when rustling comes from outside. Glancing out the window, you try to find something among the dark shadows.

“What?” Joel asks fast and low.

“I don’t know… thought I heard something.” You mumble.

In that same breath, bullets fly through the window, shattering everything. The moment unfolds in a flurry of chaos.

“Raiders!” Joel shouts while you and him try to stay low. You crawl towards your bag.

The door gets kicked in and your heart races fast. Even as you and Joel scramble to maybe get down to the basement it's hard with the commotion rushing in.

Joel is swift with his gun, but the raiders keep coming.

Windows shatter further in the back of the house. They’re infesting. Time to leave. It’s a rapid rush to get outside. Before running into the woods, you stop to rummage in your bag finally remembering something important.

“The fuck are ya doing?!” Joel screams with a snarl.

You act fast. You rip a piece of your shirt edge, and grab the alcohol you stole along with the flint.

“Shit.” Joel breathes out realizing what you’re doing.

You’ve seen plenty of these, just never believed you’d ever make one.

Cloth in the liquid, Joel moves to help you light the flint.

Then when fire sparks catches onto the strip of clothing you stand up.

The adrenaline sets you ablaze. You throw the bottle with all your might. It manages to collide against the house’s porch. Soon the world is engulfed in a vibrant orange flame, a hellfire right before you.

Screams of raiders mix with the flames.

“Come on.” Joel urges and grabs your hand.

A rush of footsteps comes and it’s too late to react.

Something hard hits the side of your face. You cry in pain falling to the ground. The world spins on itself. Everything is disoriented. Your face throbs so bad, and you cough through the tears stinging your eyes. The sound of Joel firing off his gun again comes.

Then his hands steady you up.

“Y’okay darlin’?” He asks frantic and you nod, tired.

“Let’s go.” Joel grabs your hand again. This time don’t let it go.

Even arriving at the abandoned gas station deemed safe to stay, you don’t let his hand go. He doesn’t yell at you about it.

Instead Joel sits besides you, flush against your side.

Against the shadowed darkness of the old building, you hold his hand firm in his and he doesn’t let go either.

You wake up first this time and find your head slumped against Joel’s shoulder, resting against him now. His head also rests on top of yours.

This is new.

But then again, so was the term he used for you. You wonder if you just imagined it.

Unlike now, this is very real. You’ve never been this close to him, can smell the faintest traces of him, musky and dark. He snores. His hair tickles against your head, but you don’t want to move.

If anything you close your eyes again hoping for a few more minutes of peace. Joel eventually shifts, waking you both up. Nothing is said about the sleeping positions.

Then he turns to you, and his face falls.

Immediately Joel moves closer. Delicately one of his hands moves to your chin to examine your cheek.

“Does it hurt?” He asks gently and you shake your head.

Not as much. You know there’s probably an ugly bruise, but it could be worse. You’re grateful this is all you have.

“You should’ve seen the other guy.” You darkly joke.

Joel scoffs a small noise, maybe the echo of a laugh.

“So… Should I be worried about anything else you might’ve stolen?” His dry tone doesn’t sound upset.

You promise the bottle is all you took.

Joel hums, nodding.

“You continue to keep surprisin’ me.” His words are softer than he’s ever sounded

Now you realize, Joel is closer than ever before too. His face intensely scowled up now stares directly at you.

You drink in the sight of the king of the smugglers this close. The sun spots on his face, the age lines along his gorgeous features, it’s hard to deny how stunning he is.

After yesterday night it’s like you’re reminded raw and fierce how dangerous, but gorgeous of a man Joel is.

You think of the party you first met Joel. You remember thinking how you felt the remnants of safety, of protection that Joel showed then.

You should hate him. You wouldn’t be in these situations if it wasn’t for him. But when you ask yourself if you would rather be in the QZ, the truth is a distorted answer you might not be ready to face.

Without a word Joel whips around and moves to sling his backpack on better.

“Come on, let’s head out.” He announces.

You stay close to his side.

You expected another silent journey. However, the warmth of the day, the stretch of houses blurring more into the woods brings Joel out of his shell.

He talks about the Texas heat and how it used to be scorching. Interestingly points out different housing structures, and you learn he used to work as a contractor. Joel even asks about your job working at the school.

“It’s a job.” You say a bit standoffish.

“You don’t like it.” Joel sees right through you instantly.

“My mom likes it.” It’s safe, secure, stable and away from any harm and under the watch of FEDRA.

“What d’ya want to do then?” Joel asks surprisingly patient.

You pause momentarily, and the wind blows across your face.

It’s such a simple silly dream you hold in your heart…

Having your own house, enjoying peace, simply embracing living day to day without any worry about what to do or if your mom would approve.

“To simply be.” You answer. It’s enough for Joel, and you swear you see a faint grin tugging his lips.

The trail transforms into a serene sight, and you’re in awe of the beautiful landscape.

You should be scared that you’re walking away more and more from the QZ, even trusting Joel to follow him. But you’re not. The stretching trees untouched by the city, the edges of summer still peeking through the greenery, it's beautiful.

And getting hear Joel open up more, means more than you care to admit. He talks about this one mix up a couple of his guys made where they mistook baby milk formula powder for cocaine.

“Not Mister Scary Lord of the underworld getting upset over that.” You tease, and it almost feels like flirting.

Joel rolls his eyes. It adds a glowing playfulness to him, like seeing a small glimpse of the man he was before the world ended.

The further from the QZ you go, the deeper and deeper you’re drawn into this endless maze of a man that is Joel.

(iv)

You never believed a place like Bill and Frank’s existed.

Their own personal town is otherworldly. They, mainly Frank, welcome you with warm and glimmering hospitality. They’re both older, slightly around Joel’s age.

“So, what’s a lovely thing like you doing with Joel?” Frank asks jokingly.

“Oh, I’m just a hostage.” You sleepily grin. Frank’s face falls while Bill barks a laugh.

It’s easy to melt into this new world with these two and Joel. You never expected him to have friends like this, and it’s interesting uncovering more facets of him.

Bill barks for you not snoop, but Frank winks reassuringly to make yourself at home. The hot shower is an oasis, and the comfortable bed becomes a cloud.

Well rested, the next day you wander the town. You stay out until it’s dark. No infected, no raiders, no fireflies or no worries… just simply you and the beautiful night sky above.

“Still not payin’ attention to where you’re goin’.” Joel’s voice flutters in.

Along the side of the street he looks dreamy under the soft dark night.

“Can’t help it,” you truthfully say, glancing back up. The stars are too lovely not to admire.

You end up wandering closer to Joel or maybe he walks towards you. It’s too hard to tell.

“You can never see the stars this bright even at the QZ.” You return to admire the stars even with Joel besides you.

If your mom just knew how far you were.

Joel snorts, and you realize you spoke those words aloud. Even though you’re a bit embarrassed you simply shrug.

“It’s true.” You agree.

“Seems like she’s kinda…” Joel trails off.

“Controlling?” You finish, and he nods.

You understand why. She’s seen horrors, lost so much. But you’re an adult, a fully grown one and you’ve seen a fair share of hardships too. You just want to be understanding both to her, and to yourself.

You even explain this to Joel.

“You’re good, maybe too kind.” Joel mutters and you now intrigued turn to him. His eyes twinkle in the dark night more than they ever have. “Don’t seem to see the bad in people.”

Maybe you do. Maybe you understand that people in this world contain fuzzy and hard to decipher multitudes now.

Joel snorts when you tell him that.

“Y’know you’ve been traveling with a one of FEDRA’s top bad guys this whole entire time right?”

You know. Joel even calls himself a thief. But he doesn’t seem as evil as you believed him to be.

Glancing at him, the way the darkness should bring out his shadows. It instead illuminates him like a faint star. You think someone this man can’t be fully evil. Or maybe you’re not as good, blooming and unfolding in the mud to reveal your true nature.

You and Joel simply walk back to Bill and Frank’s in silence.

The radio also stays silent another week.

You’re worried about overstaying your welcome, especially with how hard Bill glares at you like you’re a pest. Frank however, eagerly includes you in so many of his projects and errands.

“Not as young as I used to be.” He teases while tending to one of the gardens, and you readily help as much as you can.

You stare in awe at all the beautiful lush vegetables and plants. There’s even a couple of fruit trees.

“Joel always asks for fruit when he comes for trades.” Frank chuckles.

You never would have expected Bill and Frank to be a part of Joel’s team.

“I know, we don’t seem like the type, or maybe I don’t seem like the type to be helping smugglers.” Frank comments teasing, as if he read your mind.

You quickly stammer out that you don’t mind.

“This world, it’s not as black and white as we think it is. Surviving an apocalypse really does paint everything in a murky gray. Sometimes, it’s okay to just accept that.” Frank explains.

You’re slowly starting to agree more and more with that.

“I know…there’s…a delicate situation going on between you and Joel.” Frank speaks cautiously.

“But I want you to know…that if this is serious, and you don’t feel comfortable with Joel or truly want to go return home, there’s ways we could figure it out.” His tone is serious, truthful and sincere.

His words warm you.

But you swallow hard. In the watch of the peaceful yard you reveal a shadowed truth that’s been building in you.

You don’t know if you want to go back. You know you will have to if FEDRA and your mom honor the trade. But you’re dreading returning to your life under the eyes of the decaying QZ streets, FEDRA, your mother…

And even if you do return there, you can’t imagine going without Joel.

“I just want to make sure he’s safe.” You add quietly.

“You probably think I sound awful or out of my mind.” Then you laugh hollow.

Frank doesn’t reply immediately. You wait for him to judge you.

“I don’t think that at all.” His hand gently pats yours. “I think you’re actually really brave being so honest.”

That brings a thickness in your throat. Frank grins warmly at you, squeezes your hand comfortingly. You soak up his kindness like a flower bud in the sunlight.

However, another day passes with no noise among the picturesque world.

At breakfast you try holding back your laughter while Bill and Frankie aruge over the Wizard of Oz.

Joel, who surprisingly slept in late, emerges to take a seat at the table.

Him and Bill immediately jump into discussion about smuggling routes and new supplies. Frank slowly slips out to the kitchen.

“What day is it?” Joel asks.

Bill simply tells it to Joel, but it’s like a switch is flipped on.

He shoots up out of his chair, doesn’t even care that it topples over or that he slams into the table knocking everything. Bill yells at him fiercely. But Joel storms out of the room leaving everyone in his aftermath.

“What happened?” Frank asks, emerging back into the dining room.

“Joel, being fucking Joel.” Bill sneers.

Frank ignores his husband and turns to you. Explaining what happened, his lovely face frowns instant.

“Oh…oh I forgot about today.” He mutters.

You ask what today means. Frank slides closer to you with his eyes low.

“If I remember right…Today’s Sarah’s birthday.” He answers.

Confusion bubbles up, and you ask who Sarah is.

Frank’s face contorts in shock.

“Sarah…she’s Joel’s daughter that passed away.”

Those words take your breath away and you feel your world tilt on its axis.

Joel was a dad. Joel had a daughter.

You never would have expected. Frank must see the look in your eyes now as he places a hand on your shoulder.

“He doesn’t talk about her much. It’s not your fault you didn’t know.”

You’re left haunted by it all though.

Eventually you get the confidence and bravery enough to find Joel.

Walking around the vacant neighbor, you eventually spot him sitting on the porch step of one of the homes.

“Fuck you doin’ here?” He snaps, but there’s no malice in his voice, only a hollowness.

Standing besides him, you inhale deep.

“My big sister was infected on outbreak day.” You begin.

It happened after school when your mom was talking with your neighbor outside your home. You were still so little, barely remember pieces of it.

But the memories you have are sharp.

You’re in the kitchen, laughing at something your sister says. Suddenly she starts twitching. Then your world ended. You still hear her snarls sometimes, still taste the terror when she tried biting you and how you prayed it was just a game, until the screams of your mom came. It’s simply been you and her ever since.

Joel’s face finally turns to you and his eyes are wide, glossy obsidian gems and so open, so unlike Joel. Yet it’s like you’re seeing a true layer of him.

“I’m so sorry about your daughter Joel. That pain of loss never really leaves and I get it.” You carry your big sister’s ghost with you now.

Joel doesn’t say anything, instead clenches his jaw and blinks away the shimmering gloss reflecting in his eyes.

“It ain’t the same.” He suddenly snaps back. “You never felt the pain of losin’ a child.”

You feel insulted.

“Loss is still a loss Joel. Don’t you dare say my hurt is less than yours. What would your daughter say?” You snap back.

You know that’s not a kind thing to say. It galvanizes Joel. He bolts up and becomes a terrifying looming force that pierces you where you stand.

His voice silence is deadly, slices through you.

There’s so much you want to say to hurt him, but what good will it do. You simply blink away tears and walk away, leaving Joel to his ache as you try to quell yours.

Trying to settle your emotions, you end up walking around the ghost town and spot various glorious wildflowers, blooms so vibrantly colorful. You grab as many as you can.

Back at the house, Frank brightens immediately seeing the flowers in your hands.

“I got just the vase for them!”

Frank asks if you picked these for yourself and you shake your head.

“For those who have passed, and for Sarah.” Your answer.

Frank doesn’t say anything but instead nods, a silent understanding.

You head back to the guest room to try taking a nap. You accidentally left the door open partially, and soon enough Joel’s arrival lumbers into the grand home.

“Bill get those for you?” He notices the flowers.

Frank snorts. “You know Bill wouldn’t.”

He instead clarifies you did.

“For today…for Sarah.” Frank then adds.

Joel is quiet. You close your eyes and now drift into the flickering world between falling asleep and being aware.

You swear you faintly hear the door creak open more, catch the faint smell of cedar, and feel delicate but callous fingers run across your face.

But when you open your eyes, no one is in the room.

It’s like nothing happened between you or Joel the next morning. He even helps you and Frank outside harvesting some of the ripe new fruit.

“Can't handle Bill’s grumpy ass anymore.” Joel explains.

“Two grumpies together might just be too much.” You tease. Joel glares dully at you. Frank snickers amused.

You perk up bright seeing the lovely apples on the tree.

“Go ahead! Try one!” Frank eagerly urges and you do.

You haven’t had fresh apples in years. Your eyes close in bliss tasting sweet heaven and you munch away.

Suddenly a thick thumb runs against your cheek and your eyes snap open.

“Sorry. Got some on your cheek.” Joel clarifies drawing his hand away.

He suddenly draws it into his mouth to have a taste. You feel a bit dizzy but in a way that makes your stomach flip.

Joel’s eyes go wide, momentarily realizing what he did. Without another word, he bolts.

You and Frank are left staring at each other stunned.

The rest of the day Joel stays glued to the radio in Bill’s workshop.

Later that night your fingers crawl silently under the sheets, under your underwear, and you imagine what Joel would feel like. This man that’s taken you away from your home - you should feel guilty and ashamed, even horrified at this. But instead you only find an ache for more for his fingers to replace yours.

But even among the decadent desires you indulge in more and more…

Another week passes.

You and Joel share a somberness, slowly facing the harsh truth.

You may not be returning home.

“I want us to have a nice dinner tonight!” Frank must sense it too because he declares a bright order.

“So that means new outfits and everyone taking a good shower!” Frank insists proudly showing you to the clothing boutique the town has.

You end up grabbing the softest looking sundress. It’s delicate, fits comfortably on you and even makes you feel brand new.

Especially after taking another warm shower with the homemade lavender soap Frank gave you as another gift. Bill seems to be warming up to you. He even makes a dull joke about you taking a shorter shower than Joel.

When Joel does emerge from the shower, something shifts in you. His wet slicked back hair highlights all his silver streaks. In the new button up shirt Frank shoved at him and ordered him to wear, he’s gorgeous.

The terrifying ruler of a smuggling empire, now just a man who seems almost embarrassed, fidgets because you stare at him so directly.

Dinner is thankfully wonderful.

At some point you realize the role of hostage, of someone kidnapped, doesn’t feel so barbed. You now roam freely without any fear. Laugh warmly at the stories Frank tells that makes Bill scoff and Joel roll his eyes.

You insist on cleaning up to let Bill and Frank enjoy the nice evening to themselves.

In the kitchen you gather the plates until the door creaks open behind.

“Needed to get away from Bill’s god damn glarin’ st me being the third wheel.” Joel huffs.

Smirking, you find Joel effortlessly begins putting away dishes, helping.

It’s peaceful. In another life you wonder if this could have been a regular evening, in a house you owned…with someone you cared for.

Someone who you hate looks eerily like Joel.

You shift to go grab something just as he moves, and the two of you gently collide. It’s nothing extreme, but Joel’s hand moves to steady you against your lower back.

“Sorry.” He mutters, and your eyes flicker to him. He’s close again. So close you can almost smell the rosemary and pine soap among a scent so deeply Joel. He doesn't move yet. Neither do you.

That’s when you catch it, Joel’s deep rust eyes glance away from your gaze and towards your lips.

You wonder if maybe you’re seeing things, or have something on your face. But his hand against your back feels warm, steady, like you never want it to leave. His face ever so slightly begins to pull closer towards you.

You don’t want this to stop.

But Bills footsteps clamor to the kitchen. It electrifies both you and Joel causing him to scurry out of the kitchen.

That night you’re unable to sleep.

Frank always offered his collection of books for you to browse through. You decide to glance around and hope something sparks your interest.

That’s when a muffled groan floats out into the hallway.

Curiosity and a hint of worry has you walking back towards the rooms.

A choked out sigh comes from Joel’s room and the world melts away.

You need to go back to your room, even head back to the living room.

But you instead lean closer and find the door is slightly cracked like Joel thought he closed it but didn’t.

You faintly hear it, the sound of him jerking off. His soft sighs, his hand rubbing out his cock, it makes your mouth dry and water at the same time.

You’re no better than a creepy pervert, but you can’t help it.

Joel’s hand speeds up faster and now your wet core begs for attention already.

Then his climax hits with a deep loud groan, and it’s delicious.

You shift trying to quell the heat crawling all over your body.

But Joel sighs.

And he says your name.

It’s clear, steals your breath.

Maybe it’s been this recent journey that’s reminded you how short this life is… but whatever galvanized energy it is, it surges through you to move and push into Joel’s room.

Oh he’s a sight.

Your mouth waters seeing his cock, thick, beautiful and messy before it’s covered by the blanket.

Joel scrambles up petrified. “What the fuck y’doing here?!”

“You said my name,” you whisper slowly creeping towards him while shutting the door behind you.

“You’re hearin’ shit.” He barks low, angry and harsh.

You swallow hard.

“I think about you too… whenever I touch myself.” You admit barely above a whisper.

Joel’s eyebrows fly up to his hairline, but immediately he coughs as if he got punched.

“Go back to your room.” He urges, but it’s not persistent. You shake your head no, and now arrive against the side of his bed.

“We… you…this shouldn’t be happenin’.” He urges.

“You say you’re a thief, that you’re the bad guy here,” you mutter posessed. “Maybe I am too.”

“Darlin’” Joel breathes out that sacred term, the one you’ve prayed to hear again.

Confidence surges through you more toxic than any other poison.

“Maybe I wanna take for once,” you whisper, moving onto the bed. Your eyes glance to the wet white sticky mess against Joel’s stomach and his hand that he didn’t cover.

Your mouth aches to taste him.

So flickering your gaze to Joel, it’s a cautious moment and what you’re about to do can fall apart in a minute. But your hand moves delicately, cautious. Your eyes stay on Joel, waiting for him to tell you no or react.

But he doesn’t.

You grab his cum covered hand still keeping your eyes on him. Until you glance down at his hand, his calloused beautiful large hand.

He still hasn’t pulled away or made a noise to stop you.

Tentatively you lick up his fingers, tasting his release.

“Fuck!” Joel barks out a harsh hiss.

You’re worried he’s going to yank his hand away, but he doesn’t. He instead sits up more like he’s been electrocuted.

It’s enough to let you indulge now.

So you draw his fingers into your mouth.

They’re so large. The salty taste of his cum and the taste of his skin on your tongue makes your eyes close as you clean his fingers.

“Fuckin’ shit, baby.” You want to hear him say those words over and over, want to cherish how wrecked his voice breaks.

Now, very slowly, Joel’s fingers move in your mouth and you moan. He traces your teeth, drags the meat of his fingers across your tongue and plunges deeper into your mouth.

Your eyes roll back, and on instinct you start sucking.

“Yeah darlin’ yeah.” Joe whispers hoarsely, and you want to get drunk on him.

Steady, his fingers plunge in and out, fucking your mouth as you become putty in his hold. His other hand now runs up your thigh, under the edge of your dress.

“Want you so bad Joel.” Even with his fingers in your mouth you whimper out those words maybe mainly to yourself, maybe thinking this is just a dream.

But the way Joel surges up, yanks his hand out of your mouth to clutch your face, and he kisses you like a parched man…

This feels too good to be a dream.

You melt into it, into Joel, greedily stealing all he gives you. Just as you welcome him to steal all he wants from you, and you readily give him everything. No worries about anything else, it’s simply you and him.

When Joel slides into you, deep and wide, when his breath tickles the heat of your skin, you taste the essence of him all around - the world feels reborn.

Joel however, is slightly more reluctant.

“M’too old for you.” He argues after the second night you crawl into his room.

“You think I care?” I simply say running your fingers against his warm chest.

“You should.”

Well you don’t and you tell him that.

Then the dark doubt creeps in.

Because there are other things you should care about.

“Are you doing this…”

Just to be cruel, to maybe even control you.

Joel sits up holding your hand against his chest. Your eyes met his. There’s steeled sincerity in his eyes as he shakes his head.

“No… hate that I wanted you from the start, before all this.” At the party. That feels like ages ago.

You can’t help but ask him why, why you.

He sighs, and his thumb strokes your hand.

“Saw you when ya first walked in. You laughed at something your friend said. It was so loud, so fuckin’ genuine.”

You’re about to apologize, embarrassed, at how loud you laugh until Joel continues.

“Knew you were something fierce, something beautiful. I was gone the minute you smashed that god damn drink in that guy's face.”

He doesn’t have to say anything else. So much clouds the room and it feels thick, but it’s like the thickness of a misty morning fog you want to get lost in. You kiss him tenderly, as if you have all the time in the world.

After this a new shift comes between you and Joel. His hands always seem to be on you, gently touching your arm or grazing past you closer. After your nights with him, hickies paint your thighs and you admire them in the morning.

In the dark, Joel tells you more about Tommy, about the plan he has for finding his brother. Even sometimes he reveals bits and pieces about Sarah.

You soak in every moment you can with him. Joel even stays a full day away from the radio helping Bill renovating one of the sheds. It’s a gift watching Joel work with his hands and tools, like watching the shadow of a past still existing in him.

Your heart becomes a treasure chest holding all these moments.

But something darker still rots in you.

FEDRA still remains silent.

(v)

Summer winds down. Cooler air settles in the town, and you happily enjoy sitting on the porch more and more.

You’d been eyeing the pomegranate for a few days. Now after Frank happily told you to enjoy, you excitedly and greedily cut into it. Joel even showed you how to earlier.

Currently you sit on the porch enjoying the soft breeze. Frank sits besides you watching Bill work on a project. You laugh at how affectionate the two are even while bickering.

Scooping out a couple of the pomegranate seeds, their beautiful ruby color stains your finger. They taste of a sweetness you never want to leave. Boots approach from behind.

“Joel! Come, sit. Enjoy the nice early autumn weather.” Frank calls and you turn to grin at him.

“FEDRA finally got in contact.” Joel’s words pop the air.

Everything stills.

When you turn towards Joel, the somber stare on his face already reveals the answer.

FEDRA denied the exchange.

The rest of the pomegranate sits uneaten on the porch.

You sit in Joel’s room quietly for what feels like years. The tears don’t even come anymore.

“She can stay here! She’d be a welcomed addition” Frank urges from the living room. “We’ve appreciated all the extra help around here.”

“No. Take her back.” Bill interjects flat.

Frank shushes his husband.

The conversation becomes low, muffled, and you’re too tired to even try and listen. You instead curl into Joel’s pillow, and let sleep take you.

A callous hand gently stroking your cheeks wakes you. The low early evening light bathes Joel glorious, and you faintly smell wine Joel must have had.

“You gonna get rid of me now?” You mumble hollow.

Joel shakes his head no.

“Too late for that.” He says with the faintest hint of a crooked grin. “Told ya, I’m head smuggler for a fuckin’ reason, like to keep what’s mine close.”

You place your hand over his and squeeze it tight. But the tears manage to return.

“What’s gonna happen now?” While you ask, your voice breaks.

Joel exhales.

“Don’t know.” He says truthfully.

You’re grateful he’s being honest. Joel’s dark autumn eyes glance away.

“I know we’ll manage, find a car, get Tommy.” He nods to himself.

“But…” he adds with his voice trailing off.

“Don’t wanna think about you leaving,” Joel admits with the lowest rumble.

“Can’t fuckin’ handle it… thinkin’ about not knowin’ how you’re doing, not seeing you…” he shakes his head.

“It’s fuck up. I know it’s god damn fucked up... If you want me to take you back to the QZ, I’ll do it. If you wanna just stay here, I’d let ya.” Joel’s voice sounds strained, almost debris filled with so many emotions begging to get out.

You slide your hands around him, and he draws you closer. The world might be crumbling again all around you, but he feels like a steady rock amongst it all.

“I don’t wanna leave, don’t wanna leave you.” You whimper out the truth.

Joel holds you tighter into his strong warm embrace.

That night you fuck Joel like it’s the last time you’ll ever see him, and a grim darkness seeping in your mind whispers it might be.

You want every piece of him. So when you open your mouth wide, without any question, Joel runs his thumb across your bottom lip and spits into your mouth. You greedily swallow.

What surprises you is when you’re seated in Joel’s lap, slowly grinding up and down on his thick cock, he weakly opens his mouth as well.

Tenderly stroking his cheek, you gently lean down and let the spit drip from your mouth into his. You feel drunk watching Joel’s eyes roll back as he swallows.

Instead of feral roughness, or a devouring passion, it’s tender, makes your heart swell. Joel’s hands map you out like you’re a cherished rare gem.

In his arms, in the quiet stillness of the room, your heart begs for weeds to start growing around you.

(vi)

From a glance out the window, the pumpkins seem to be flourishing beautifully. They’re your first big vegetables you’re growing, with Bill’s supervision of course. But you’re proud of the progress nonetheless.

You’re finishing cleaning the last bit of dishes from breakfast when a sturdy arm slides around you from behind.

For someone so grumpy, Joel is surprisingly and secretly a cuddly creature. His wonderful nose burrows into the side of your face.

“Wanna work on the kitchen today,” he mutters.

The old house across the street from Bill and Frank’s has become the new project. While you still stay with Bill and Frank, your hope is to eventually make that empty house a home.

The autumn air invigorates you as you go to visit Frank in his sunroom.

“Will you be okay here by yourself?” You ask him gently.

Frank snorts. “You and Bill both, such worrywarts.”

Frank’s been moving slower, coughing more. It tugs at your heart. Over the radio you now even ask Tess if there’s other medication options for him to try.

You’ve grown to care about him, even grouchy Bill and Tess who even seems to warm up to you now.

It’s your own carved out universe.

Frank good naturedly pats your hand, reassuring you he’ll be fine. With a squeeze to his shoulder and a warm goodbye, you head across the street.

Of course Joel takes charge, and it’s hard not to jump his bones seeing how effortlessly he takes to fixing up this house.

The night you decided to stay here, Joel slid you a paper and pen.

“Draw me your dream house.” He told you gruffy.

He kept that very poor drawing. It’s what guides the renovations. The house is smaller than Bill and Frank’s but to you, it’s a perfect size.

“You know I can do it myself, make Bill work too.” Joel had told you when you first showed up to help.

“I know, but I wanna help. Wanna know my elbow grease went into everything too.” You told Joel with a grin.

He didn’t shoo you away after that. Now you get to help around when you can. The sanded cabinets and freshly painted walls, all fruits of your labor and you’re excited, proud, seeing the house come together. It’s breathing life into his dusty space, and you cherish it.

Eventually you head back to Bill and Frank’s.

Frank calls to you. “The radio came on.”

With Joel throwing himself into fixing up the house, interestingly enough you’ve become his stand in. It’s how you and Tess slowly began bonding. You’ve told her FEDRA routes and patrol changes and she’s in turn gossiped about what’s been happening in Boston.

You miss it often, but the peace of walking to visit your pumpkins, to helping Frank at breakfast, of having Joel in your bed…it’s like a new breath in your lungs.

“Hey.” You greet Tess.

She says your name, somber and you still.

“Your mom…she finally got in contact with us.”

You inhale shakily. A part of you had wondered if your mom would do something like this.

Finally managing to get a hold of a battery, your mom is offering to trade it for you.

A wave of fear does grip you. You don’t want to leave, don’t want to go back. But you also miss her dearly.

When Joel returns, beautifully coated in sweat and saw dust, he’s like a construction god. But seeing your face, he instantly understands something’s up.

In the seclusion of your room, you tell Joel you’ll return to Boston, and his eyes become moons.

“You don’t have to go back.” Joel whispers to you later that night. “Can say we want more.”

You shake your head.

Your mom has been through enough, and Joel needs this.

“You need to find Tommy.”

His hand curls against your face holding your cheek so precious. “We’ll find another battery, or hell I’ll take one of Bill’s. Don’t want ya feeling like you’re forced to go back.”

This has all been out of your control and now, you have a say.

You’ll return with Joel, but you won’t be fully returning to your life in Boston either. You’ll exist between these two worlds now, visiting your mom and primarily staying with Joel.

Your mom won’t be happy about this, you can almost hear her fury already. But this is what you want. It’s the journey your path will take.

“Y’okay with this?” Joel suddenly asks before leaving the gate to the town. His eyes search yours. “You don’t have to do this, especially for me.”

You understand what he means, but this is for you.

Gently you draw Joel towards you and kiss him soft.

With the smuggler king, you walk firmly into the sunlight. The early autumn breeze gently guides you forward.

#I blame both playlists I have for hades & perspjone & all the sleep token songs I’ve on repeat but again here we are lol #if you’re reading this know I really do appreciate it and me and hades Joel love you to the ends of the world #Pedro pantheon #hades!joel miller #Joel miller x f!reader #Joel miller x reader #joel miller x you #Joel miller fic #joel miller fanfiction #Joel 🤎#pedrostories #cw dark content #tw dark content

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