#i didnt realize how insane it was that she wrote down somewhere that i was a lesbian when i was 8

[pegglefan69]

feeling at peace with decision that I should Probably Find a New Therapist Soon, or at least Stop Seeing This One. Also smiling tranquilly + looking forward to finally transcribing & posting a really hot passage from an essay in this leathersex book I'm reading... probably tomorrow depending on my energy levels. Maybe I don't need therapy right now maybe what I need is to talk about Weird Gay Things with Weird Gay People

[tamaki-amajiki-is-my-baby]

Shigadabi Falling in Love Hcs

Requested by @lunarapocolypse and @leeontheneonx3

- There wasn't really a defining moment when Dabi realized he had a crush on Itchi-Boi Handman™

It build over time and Dabi had a suspicion for a while.

When he really confirmed it, it wasn't some special time, it was just like "oh.. Oh. Oh.”

- For Tomura, however, it was a very specific time.

Tomura's memory isn't perfect, it's not actually that good, but specific moments in his life have the unreal quality of a dream in his mind.

This was one of them.

It was really late at night and Tomura had woken from a nightmare, which happend often and lead to him not liking sleep further, ans he wanted to get a drink and a snack. Maybe steal some whipped cream.

He turned the light on and Dabi was there, leaning on the bar on his elbow, a glass in his other hand. Tomura didn't know what he was drinking but it looked like a Shirley Temple — maybe he'd added alcohol or maybe not.

His feet were to the stool he was next to, his knee up ontop of it.

When Dabi turned toward Tomura, two things came to his mind:

fUCK HE'S PRETTY

And

Does this make me gay?

Dabi stood better, and he asked what Shigaraki was doing up.

Tomura whipped around and walked away without a sound. Everything was catching up to him, a lot of feelings he couldn't recognize or understand, a lot of urges he didn't know why he was getting, and a need to be near Dabi — other than just him radiating heat and Tomura having abnormally low body temperatures.

He knew the reason now.

But he couldn't accept it.

What happens to all the things Shigaraki had allowed himself to love in the past!?

Bad things, that's what.

Seven being disintegrated painfully slowly right in front of the child's eyes, and one being defeated live on TV for all to see.

Tomura realized how much he cared for Dabi in that moment and even without the idea of love in the mix, he was scared.

He didn't want anything to happen to Dabi, he cared too much.

He was trying to not care for anyone so that when they inevitably left him it wouldn't hurt him.

It took him that whole rest of the night to really come to terms.

- Shigaraki started avoiding Dabi.

If he ignored it, it'd go away, right? He would kick these ‘feelings’ into the ground.

But that didn't work.

If anything, it made it worse.

To the point of not being able to keep his face from heating up whenever he was around him.

Dabi would tease him sometimes about it, and that'd make Tomura go insane.

- Tomura wanted to get it off his chest and so he ended up telling Kurogiri.

Of course, with he help of a few drinks.

Kurogiri gave him a few ideas, and Tomura left a note in Dabi's room. He didnt sign it or anything he just wrote something dumb you'd see in a first-grader's handwriting.

Dabi knew it was him and was like actually really happy?

- He couldn't even talk to Tomura about it because he'd started avoiding him again.

That was real annoying and so Dabi went out of his way to catch him.

Tomura didn't like being alone But he was in a bad mood and didn't want to o with Spinner and Toga and Kurogiri somewhere; neither remembered.

Dabi didn't want to go either and so he and Shigaraki were home alone.

- Tomura didn't realize this for a while.

Until he bumped right into him while turning a corner.

Tomura turned, tried to walk away, then realized Dabi's hand was on his shoulder

“Hey, wait.”

Tomura didn't really want to talk to Dabi because he knew his cheeks were already pink, his chest was already tight just because Dabi had his hand on his shoulder.

He even tually did turn around, about to say something when lips met his own. For just a second.

“I got your note, obviously, and you need a better strategy than ignoring me, grandma lips.”

-

But that's not good enough for the first kiss, is it? Yeah I didn't think so. I apologise if Dabi is a bit OOC, I don't write him much.

-

“Gimmie one too.” Shigaraki spoke, sitting down in his normal bar stool (that he didn't let anyone else sit in) and looking at Dabi, who was pouring himself a beer. It was late at night and Dabi assumed he'd woken from a nightmare — he'd been having them a lot recently.

“Wow, I didn't think you could drink.” Of course he was teasing, Shigaraki didn't usually drink, but it was getting a little more frequent with recent events.

“Shut up.” Tomura murmured, tapping his finger on the bar. He knew Dabi hated that sound, fingernails against anything grindd his gears. And Tomura knew this, he just didn't really care. He was in a bad mood — and Dabi did the same thing on practically a daily basis.

It also got hin a full glass sooner. He took a few gulps and gave a sigh. The first taste was always bitter.

“What's on your ass.” Dabi asked, both to be making conversation and because he knew Tomura wanted to rant for a while.

Knowing him, it'd probably be either Deku- Small Might or All Might — even if he was out of the picture now.

“Us and Toga's obsession with it.”

Now that caught Dabi off guard. They'd both known for a while and had made a few moves, but Dabi didn't think anyone in the gang knew.

Foolish.

Toga always knew, of course she did, you couldn't keep anything to do with love away from her no matter what you tried.

And knowing her, she wouldnt try and keep it a secret to anyone else, so everyone would find out eventually. Whether they would beleive it was the only salvation Tomura had. He didn't act any different and neither did Dabi, it wasn't like they suddenly started getting all lovey dovey. They obviously weren't obvious but it wasn't a surprise Himiko found out.

“‘Obsessed,’ ain't that a surprise.” Dabi took a sip of his own drink, grimacing a bit. They were out of his favorite and this one was bitter, but he wasn't going to go digging through cabinets.

“She's a brat,” Shigaraki hissed, resting his elbow on the counter and supporting his head with his fingers through his hair.

“Makin' assumptions then going all out with them..”

“I don't think it's an assumption if it's true.”

“It's not that true.” Shigaraki lifted the glass to his chapped lips again, holding his pinky out and taking a swig. He put it back down on the counter, swallowed hard, then changed his mind and took the last sip.

Tomura slid it across the counter to Dabi, who caught it before it rolled off after it fell over itself. “Whaddya mean 'not that true?'”

Tomura didn't have an answer.

“I think Toga's just annoyed you so you're denying it to more than just her.” Dabi snickered. “I don't see the reason.”

“Just gimmie another one.”

Dabi sighed snd gave Tomura his own glass, since he definetly wasn't going to drink it and he knew Shigaraki wouldn't care. “Last one.”

Tomura scoffed and muttered an insult, taking the cup in his hands. He was sloppy with his fingers, but was still careful.

He wouldnt really admit that it was strong, he didn't care.

“I'm having a feeling that it's not just Toga that's upsetting you.” Dabi said flatly, lowering his eyelids more than they already were lowered from being so heavy. He almost said it teasingly, but was trying to get an answer out of Tomura, since he knew how bad Tomura was at saying it without a prompt. An angry, bottled-up Tomura was not a good Tomura — no matter your relation to him.

“I..” Tomura sighed and tapped his nails against the glass, not with the intention of annoying Dabi anymore. It was a nervous habit.

He didn't finish his sentence, cutting himself off by connecting the glass to his mouth and tilting. He finished it off quickly and put it on the counter. “Just one more?”

“Fine.” Dabi obliged, poured about a quarter of the glass, then cut it half-way when Tomura objected to that amount.

Dabi was a little worried about how much he was drinking, alcohol poisoning was a thing of course, but he'd be in charge of that. He was sober enough.

“Everyone I love gets hurt.” Shigaraki blurted out in a sort of whine, and the taller of the two noticed there wasn't almost any in his glass anymore.

Dabi pressed, “Whaddyu mean?”

“My family, my master..”

HW could fit the pieces together at this point. Tomura was an odd case of what trauma did to the human body and it was kind of fascinating, but Dabi wasn't going to make him sah it. “You're... Worried you're gonna loose me?” It wasn't the kind of question that he was surprised Tomura cared, he knew for a fact that was the truth, it was more asking if that was really what Tomura thought.

“Yeah..” He was itching his neck. “Either you're gonna leave, you're gonna get hurt, or I'm gonna hurt you..”

Dabi reached over the counter and took the smaller's wrist away from his neck, knowing he wouldnt stop even if he drew blood. “I can say with 90% certainty that I ain't gonna leave you.”

Tomura took his hand, looking down and not making eye contact.

Dabi was eyeing his hand but didn't mind much, because Tomura barely had a grip and two of his fingers weren't even close to touching.

It was amazing what just a few drinks could to to Tomura; he could hold his alcohol but he got drunk real fast. Even if this was kind of strong.

All caution in his movements was gone.

“Tasi,” Dabi said, and Tomura looked up. That was his nickname; the first and last letters from his alias' given and family names. Dabi came up with it. He thought it was cute. “Ya trust me, right?”

“Yeah..” Tomura wasn't making eye contact, he honestly hated to.

“Then you can calm down. I'm not gonna leave.”

“Promise?”

God, puppy dog eyes. He probably wasn't even trying to.

Dabi gave him a small kiss, which was originally supposed to be a peck, but Tomura kissed back and he couldn't pull away then.

Tomura could have pulled him over the counter if he wanted, and he probably tried to, but Dabi did pull away, muttering an “You taste like beer” before nodding. “I promise.”

Shigaraki wouldnt let him go, though, and Dabi had to duck a bit.

“Holdon, I'm coming around. You know Kurogiri's gonna be mad if I mess up his bar.” Dabi joked, hearing Tomura whine.

“C'mon.” he walked around and opened his arms, letting Shigaraki wrap his arms around his back.

Dabi hoisted him up with little trouble. Tomura seemed to get ligter every time he had to pull/carry him.

Shigaraki kind of wanted another glass, and also wanted to cuddle, so he kind of reached for the glass without saying much.

Dabi just shook his head, “You're going to bed.”

“Noooo”

Dabi snickered and startee to Tomura's room, keeping him supported.

He maneuvered around the absolute mess in Tomura's room, then laid him on the bed. He didn't let go. “Dabiiiiii....”

“C'mon, Tomrua-”

“Don't goooo”

Dabi sighed, knowing Tomura wouldnt let him go even once he did fall asleep. He crawled into the bed and laid down, at least cherishing the cuddles.

He wondered if this was what Tomura would have been like if nothing in his childhood happened. Or maybe if he was adopted into a good family that could have taken care of his mental illness and trauma.

Dabi wondered a lot.

[teamevilwinter-blog]

Luna ( A Winter Soldier Story) Part 12

Pairing: Bucky x OC(Luna) 

Summary:  Character is a super soldier who escaped Hydra after S.H.E.I.L.D fell. As she recounts her past she finds herself in New York City seeking out a certain soldier who is the only one who can help her find peace within herself. This chapter is the conclusion to the series.

Word Count: 2,130 

A/N: I am so relieved to finally have this out. I havent updated in literally forever!! Enjoy! 

Catch up here:  Luna Masterlist  

~ Part 11 ~

Bucky’s POV

“How could this have happened!?! I thought she was under security!!” I shouted at Stark as Steve attempted to pull me back by the arm. I knew it was wrong to be directing all my anger at Stark, especially after all he had done to save Luna in the first place. 

Stark was quick to retort, “I am not the one who should be at blame here! You were the last person to see her before she left. So let me ask you this Barnes. What the hell happened?” 

Steve stepped in between us putting an end to the argument, “This is not the time to be throwing around accusations! We have to focus on the matter at hand. Which is that Luna is gone.” 

“Ran away, seems more fitting.” All heads turned to the figure leaning against the doorway. It was Romanoff, just come back from security central. “I obtained the security footage from the past few hours. While Luna may have disabled the alarms, she left the cameras alone.” 

The red head made her way over to a monitor and synced up her tablet to show us the footage. The first clip was of the hallway just outside this room. The guard was there, this time standing tall and alert. Moments passed and the door creeped open a crack. Something was thrown into the hallway, catching the guards attention. By the time he turned back, it was too late. Luna had used the distraction to her advantage and swung a solid hit to his jaw. The guard stumbled and then Luna swiped at his face, leaving a nasty cut above his eye. 

“What did she use to cut him?” Stark asked, clearly as stunned as the rest of us. 

“Most crucial tip of any assassin: anything can be used as weapon. By the looks of it this room has no shortage of possible ideas.” Natasha replied, her arm gesturing to the multiple items in the room. 

The next several clips showed Luna taking out guard after guard expertly until she finally made it to security central. According to Stark, the whole reason the alarms didnt go off when she left the tower was because Luna hacked into the system and shut it down. 

“We underestimated her.” Steve said what we were all thinking. 

Natasha nodded her head in agreement. “Not to mention she just had surgery. If she can take out this entire tower’s security while still in recovery, imagine her potential when she’s in full health.” 

“Like you said she’s an assassin-” Stark added. 

“- Ex-assassin…. Don’t forget she’s no longer Hydra.” My voice was clipped and no doubt my expression matched. 

Stark threw me a look of pure venom before continuing. “Like I was saying, Luna is an ex-assassin who just perfectly demonstrated she had the ability to leave this tower any time she wanted. But she didn’t because she had no reason to. Now that she’s gone I wonder what her reason was.” 

Even though Stark didnt directly look at me while saying it, it was evident he knew something was up. 

Steve cleared his throat interrupting the thickening silence. “Buck, you mentioned a note when we first got here. That’s how you knew she was gone?” 

“Yeah, I um, found it in a book in her room. I was only there because I couldn’t sleep and found it…comforting.” I tried my hardest to make it sound as normal as possible. Like any guy would just enter a girls room and rifle through their reading selections. Gosh that was real smooth. 

I took the slip out my pocket, unfolded it and read the words that had initially made my heart stop: 

To whom it may concern, 

I’m sorry that I’ve left so abruptly. I couldn’t stand another second in that room or in this tower. I don’t wish for my departure to seem like I’m ungrateful for all that everyone has done for me. You’ve given me my life back and I will forever be thankful. 

 However in the process, some things have arisen that I must deal with on my own. There is no telling how long I will be gone but I assure you I will return to repay the debt that I so heavily owe. 

Thank you all again. And farewell....

Luna 

“’Some things have arisen’? What does she mean by that?” Natasha looked at the others in confusion. 

“Barnes?” I could feel Stark’s eyes boring into the side of my head. 

I sighed. Might as well just say it. “The Winter Soldier…killed Luna’s parents. A fact she became aware of when she experienced repressed memories during her surgery” I faced Stark and looked him dead on. “So technically your right. It is my fault. And so are a million other things. None of which I could control. This included. When I came to talk to her this evening she was….inconsolable. Nothing I said or did made anything better. So maybe I’m insane for saying this but…I think she did the right thing.” 

Stark failed to mask his astoundment,”Are you insane?” 

“He’s right” Natasha stepped in before Stark could continue. “ Those tapes proved she can hold her own just fine. Not to mention she was already living alone for four years prior to coming here. With that aside, we have to consider her emotional state right now. A sudden onset of traumatic memories right after you’ve woken up from brain surgery is a lot. More than even she could handle. We all have our ways of coping. My guess is she didnt leave the city. Just went somewhere where she feels most at peace. To help her get through this.” 

“Oh my gosh.” I whispered. 

“What?” Steve stepped towards me. 

I help up the slip. “Theres a part of the note I didnt read to you. I thought it was just a rhyme that she wrote but I think its a clue. ‘The only place I feel free, amongst the stars I will be.’ Does New York City have an observatory of some sort?” 

“The closest is Staten Island. Which is way too far.” 

“Ok then….whats the tallest building in NYC?” I was starting to figure out where she might have gone. 

“One World Trade Center. Access to the roof is restricted but it has an observatory deck.” Natasha replied. 

“Thats it. I know she’s there.” I was out the door before anyone could question it. I heard Steve called out after me but my mind was already made. 

By the time I made it to the center it was just shy of 9 in the morning. I had opted to walk the whole way through the night using the time to think about what I would say once I found her. After buying a ticket I made my way to the observatory deck, as always keeping a low profile. 

I was surprised at the amount of people, considering how early it was. I searched the crowd looking out for that raven-haired bun I always saw on her. I walked over to the edge of the room passing a  few couples and families with some rowdy kids. 

I peered out of the floor to ceiling windows, tilting my head to the sky. Even though the stars had disappeared hours ago I still felt a strange closeness to it all. A sudden movement caught my right eye and I pivoted to look. Thats when I saw it. A streak of dark tresses piled high ontop of a head and flash of tan skin as the body moved swiftly back into the crowd. 

I took after her, delving between tourists and guides. I caught her just as she was about to enter the elevator to go down. “Luna!” 

The figure turned and thats when my hopes shattered. The girl, a complete and utter stranger, gave a look of bewilderment as she shook my arm away. “Hey! Can I help you sir?” 

“Uh, no. No I’m so sorry I thought you were someone else.” I stuttered out the apology. The girl gave me one last baffled look before stepping away into the elevator. 

I returned to the windows, more frustrated than ever. Maybe I was wrong. Maybe she was never here at all. There was a couple not too far away from where I stood, silently admiring the horizon. What caught my attention wasn’t the unusual distance between them, but the girl herself. Or rather her hair. 

Usually I don’t take notice to stuff like that. But this was an exception. It cascaded down her back in loose curls stopping just above her waist. I felt weird staring but something about it just didn't seem right. The guy beside her  walked away revealing her face to me. 

I dared to sneak a glance and when I did I just about fell over. Luna didn't look surprised to see me, she just looked...exhausted. I saw her breathe in deeply but she made no move to walk over. So I did instead.

Just as I came within earshot she started to talk, "James, I have to apol–"

Before I could think about what I was doing I pulled her close to me and met my lips with hers. She tensed and that's when I realized I made a mistake kissing her. I was ready to pull away but then her hand found the back of my neck and she relaxed into the kiss.

My own hands migrated from her waist up to the base of her hair. My god this hair. Why on earth would she keep it up? It transformed her. So much so that I didn’t recognize her when I was initially passed her. 

The kiss grew deep as we disregarded our surroundings and focused soley on the two of us. 

“Hey you two! Get a room will ya?” A brutish voice yell from behind us. That seemed to snap us out of it as we broke apart. Luna was just as breathless as I. Her hand fell from my neck giving me the chance to grab it and guide her away to somewhere with less people. 

Luckily I found a small alcove away from the mass. I checked behind my shoulder out of habit. Then turned back to be met with those bright eyes of her. 

“James-” I raised my hand to stop her. 

“Luna, I knew what you were gonna say and it is not necessary to apologize.” My hands came to rest lightly on her shoulders. 

She gazed at me in confusion. “How can you say that? I practically threw a tantrum right in your face! I yelled and cried and didnt even give you a single chance to explain yourself!” 

“I know. And initially I was incredibly upset that you did that. But then I considered the circumstances. I sorta know what it feels like to wake up from a surgery with your whole life changed.” 

Luna glanced down at my left arm as I saw her visibly gulp. “James....as much as you don't want me to say it, I have to take responsibility for my actions. I probably caused quite the scene back at the tower.” 

I couldn't help but scoff slightly. “Yeah, you could say that.” 

Luna’s expression hinted at guilt. “Is anyone seriously hurt?” 

“Not seriously. Some of those guards may be walking around for awhile with some nasty bruises but they’ll be fine. I have to say though, what you pulled off was pretty impressive despite the circumstances.” 

She sighed, looking off in the direction of the masses. “I completely regret it. I wasn't thinking straight y’know? Just needed to get out of there. Now I doubt Tony will ever let me in the Tower again.” 

That caught me off guard. “Your saying you would return??” 

Luna leaned against the alcove, crossing her arms. “Well of course but I’ve kinda ruined my chances now.” 

I chuckled softly at that. “Your crazy if you think Stark would kick you out of the tower. I mean yeah the guy has got issues, but he isn't cold-hearted. Besides everyone is sorta getting used to having you around. And with talents like yours maybe some day you could be an agent.” 

She looked up at me with hope in her eyes “You really believe that?” 

I stepped towards her, closing the gap between us. “Of course I do.” 

Luna looked down for a moment and when she came back up I noticed a glimmering in her eyes. I wrapped her in a hug as she began to cry. 

Through the quiet sobs, I heard her tearful words. 

“Thank you Bucky. Without you I wouldn't have gotten my life back. Without you I would have ceased to be Luna. Thank you.” 

MMMMMMM The end? Not so fast. there is a very cute epilogue heading your way! 

Tags: @nodramaaloud @peony13 @chipilerendi

[jacrispyretro]

I went to a party last night and actually had a good time

my friend Maggie who i met through my ex invited me to a party at her place on campus yesterday morning. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to go but it was actually good timing because the 14th should’ve been my 6th month w my ex and i was trying not to think about it but yesterday was really hard. and so it was nice to spend it drunk with 30 other people instead of drunk alone in my room

it started at 10:30 but i was worried about being too early so i got there at 11 (people were in and out the whole time so it was fine). maggie was delighted to see me when i got there. it was a vine-themed party so she and sammy o told me to go onto the porch so they could take a video of my vine (it was really loud inside). i had a blanket and sunglasses and was the “all around the world” vine. after that, i went in and anna rae showed me where i could put my stuff and told me to help myself to snacks and the punch maggie made that was very strong (i think anna rae said the word strong about six times in a row to describe it).

so i got a plastic cup full of it - it was just orange punch with orange slices in it and a lot of vodka. towards the end of the cup it was really vodka-tasting but it drank it all. then i had water, and throughout the span of the night, i had two more half-cups of the punch (so 2 cups total the whole night) and about 2 cups of water, if not a little bit more).

i got pretty damn drunk so i don’t remember the order of everything that happened. meg hill found me pretty quick and we chatted for a little. i caught up with joey too. then i just kind of wallflower-ed it near the dance floor while i waited to get drunk. this beautiful beautiful beautiful girl named julia - who gave off major lesbian vibes and who was the “i have the power of god and anime on my side” vine and killed it every time with her homemade pointer wand - came up to me and shook my hand to introduce herself. she was fucking so cute. she’s a junior. she thought i was a first year since she’s never seen me around (im a senior) and she was like “how have i not seen you!” and sam lee was like “you just havent been around when she was hanging out!” and i was like cool sam remembers me

at some point this song came on and seriously like 15-20 people got in the middle of the living room and did the dance that went along with it??? i have no clue what song it was. jean luc was like saying “go forward, go back. go forward...” and like other directions during it. i almost joined in at one point but decided not to, then i saw andy at the other side of the dance group gesture for me to come and join and i said i didnt know the song and he said he didnt either so i went over but then the song ended lmao (side note: forgot i also saw andy before this and said hi briefly)

after this, i don’t remember what song came on a little while later. i was drunker, and kind of dancing a tiny bit. and meg hill gestured for me to dance with them. i think it might have been when Africa came on, or during whatever song played right before Africa. i dunno but that was fun. and i talked to meg a lot which was cool. she’s my year but under 21 so she wasnt drinking (somebody was actually having under 21 people put marks on their hands but most of them were still drinking anyway so i didnt get the point?). she was the “an avocado, thanks” vine, which i found out when i suddenly noticed an avocado in her hand that she had taken out of her pocket. meg asked where i lived and offered her roommate’s bed or a couch to me if i needed to stay somewhere instead of driving home which was so nice. then maggie came over & said she was so into girls and i came out as bi to her because i was apparently drunk enough to do that, so that was cool.

i don’t remember when, i think it might have been shortly after that, that she brought up fred and said she had no idea we had broken up until she mentioned the party to him and she said i was probably gonna be there and that was when he told her (nearly a month after the fact). sammy o was over with us at that point and was apologizing for it and i kind of complained to them that he hadn’t told anyone, not even his dad, and they were like !!! (because we were drunk and everything is extra dramatic then). i told them that he said it was because he couldn’t handle the distance and maggie started talking about how it’s because he’s so sad and he’s never going to be able to have a real long-term relationship because of that and that’s when i said “self-sabotage” which she strongly agreed with. he has literally used that phrase to my face before about himself, including When. We. Broke. Up. he said “i might be self-sabotaging...” WHICH HE 100% was and will do for the rest of his life and just have flings with girls who think they’re gonna live happily ever after, when he knows full well that that isn’t going to happen. i’m adding most of this in right now, i didn’t bring any of this up last night lol. anyway they asked if i wanted to join DND and i said sure, but i don’t know if they’ll even remember. it’s thursday nights which is kind of annoying, but if they bring it up before their next night, i think i might go, i dunno. but then we all started complimenting each other and sammy o and maggie both said i was so cool and i told sammy i thought she was way cooler and so talented and she was so flattered, she’s so cute.

at some point i danced to take on me. jean luc and meg hill and a couple others would shout “AVOCADO THANKS! AVOCADO THANKS!” during instrumentals of the song while meg held the avocado in the air.

this guy elijah from u albany introduced himself to me shortly after his friend joe g did. he was super cool and nice.

eventually, a little after 1, maggie ended the party. i had felt really good and relatively confident all night, and then i cried on the way home over fred. i don’t really know why. maybe i was thinking that if this were last semester, i wouldn’t have to drive all the way home at 1:30, and i’d be sleeping next to him in his apartment bed.

i cried tonight. i felt really welcomed and happy at the party last night, and tonight my friend trevor said it’d be fun if i went out to the bar with him and dave (he even used an exclamation point). and i thought about how nice people were to me last night and how these people seem to kind of like me and i started crying and i guess then i thought about how all these people i want to like me actually like me, but there’s one person i need and he isn’t around. he doesn’t care. and it’s fred and i’m so heartbroken still. tomorrow will be one month since we broke up and i don’t think it will hurt as bad as yesterday but i’m so sad and i want to text him so bad and i want to know he actually misses me and is hurting. i’m so confused. it doesn’t even feel like we dated. i saw a picture of him on facebook earlier and was like “i dated him?” because it just doesn’t even feel like it happened. i wrote down all these memories because im insane and sentimental so like i have these images of us together in my head but it feels like things just got refreshed or something and everything from the last 6 months never happened. and it’s an uncomfortable feeling and i don’t know what to do with it. i loved him and tonight while i was crying i realized i still might and i don’t know what to do. i want to talk to him so bad. maggie said “fuck fred!” last night at the end of that conversation about him and i laughed at the time because i was wasted and felt great but now i have a lump in my throat because i just want him in my life again. im so hurt still and i thought i was doing better but i’m really aching so bad.

wow when i tried to start writing this 6 hours ago it was going to be a happy post but now that i’ve been crying it just sucks.