#i didnt realize how damaging it was until i got out of it and started questioning faith

[naehoonx]

" First Kiss " - caleb [ oneshot ]

→ SUMMARY: since you met caleb again in skyhaven many things had changed. why was your heart beating so fast whenever you were near him? why were your hands getting sweaty whenever he got closer? and why did it bother you so much that he never wanted to make the first move?

→ GENRE: fluff; awkward; innocent; shoujo like love.

→ RATING: 15+

→ NOTE: i started playing LADS last year in december while i was suffering a bad writing block. first i fell deeply in love with zayne but the moment caleb was released .. i resonated with him more? i love the childhood friends to lovers trope + the angst the both of them embodied. the losing and finding each other while still keeping secrets from another. i hope you enjoy it!

♡.°₊ˎ SONG FOR THIS ONESHOT

it was another normal day in skyhaven for you. caleb and you were fighting again, over the most dumb thing, like always. maybe that was a perk of being childhood friends for so long but it was really draining at the same time. you didnt even knew what triggered it this time. the only words which left your mouth were " maybe you shouldnt come with me to this mission." yeah, thinking back to those words, you needed to admit that it was dumb to speak them out loud. considering how caleb could be whenever it concerned your safety. another huff left his lips as he leaned against the kitchen counter, not understanding why you're not wanting him by your side. without him every mission posed as a threat to your safety in caleb's eyes and somehow it irritated you. why was he so overprotective of you and why did it bother you so much that he never spoke it out loud. is it so hard to tell you that he's worried about you?

"you act like a damn child caleb. i can take care of my own and you know that!" your voice was already strained from all the arguing as you looked over at him.

caleb wasnt facing you, instead he was staring at the kitchen counter as he clutched his hand against the smooth surface. you noticed early on that this was some kind of habit of him.

"i know that you can take care of yourself but thats not the issue here" "then what is the issue here? Caleb you never tell me whats wrong, im always .. left with some weird puzzle pieces whenever we fight"

another frustrated huff left his lips as you could see how his fingernails dig into the flesh of his palm. he would hurt himself like this again but at the same time you remembered that he really cant. thanks to that mechanical arm of his, he cant feel anything beside immense pain. so digging his nails inside his palm wont do much damage to his body.

"caleb please" another try to press him to be honest with you and still, he kept looking away from you. carefully you took a step towards him before he finally turned his head into your direction. that was the first time you could see the colour red creeping up his cheeks. was he that angry with you?

"what do you want to hear from me Y/N? Tell me? I already told you that i wont let you go alone there!" "but why not! you never give me a reason!"

frustrated you lifted your arms over your head before you turned around on your heel. before you could take one step forward, into the living room, someones arm wrapped around your waist; pushing you back. it didnt took you long until you realized that caleb stood right behind you, his broad chest pressing against your back. for a moment your breath hitched at the same time your heart nearly bursts inside your chest.

"what do you want to hear Y/N ... tell me" caleb's voice was low as he leaned down to whisper against your ear. his grip tightening more around your waist. making it impossible to escape. your body suddenly starts to mold perfectly against his own. its like the two of you were made for each other. "tell me" goosebumps appeared on your arms as calebs lips nearly brushed against your ear. your whole body freezed on the spot as his hand over from your waist to your stomach. what was happening right now?

"i- ... i just want that you are being honest with me.. you always tell me i shouldnt fight alone and that i should rely on you more but .. why? You know im strong .. " another strong tuck forced your back against his chest. you didnt knew that being this close would be even possible. carefully you put your hand on calebs arm, the arm which held you firm ... the same arm which cant feel any warmth anymore.

now you heard calebs breath hitch. what were you two doing here? once there was a time when the two of you got along well and rarely fought with each other. now the both of you sometimes didnt even knew how to behave around each other. one month ago you suddenly became hyper aware of caleb as a man. suddenly you didnt saw him as some kind of childhood friend anymore .. there was something more whenever you looked at him or stole glanzes while he was working. deep down you had hoped that caleb feels the same way but he still kept treating you like the little girl he once took care of.

as you were deep inside your thoughts, caleb spun you around so you were looking up at him now. his ears were red too now, it looked really adorable. there it was again, that look in his eyes you couldnt put a name on it. Caleb looked helpless as he just kept staring at you, his lips parting just slightly as he wanted to say something. you knew better, he was holding back. probably all the things he wanted to tell you or something else. slowly your hand reached out to touch his cheek. his skin felt hot underneath your fingertips as you slid down to his chin.

"caleb please .. we cant keep fighting like this .. tell me already why you're so scared to let me go alone" pleading was seen in your eyes and maybe thats the reason why he finally broke his silence.

for a short moment caleb closed his eyes as your fingertips still lingered on his chin.

"its hard to put all the things i feel into words .. I- i want you to rely on me more because if you doesnt .. i feel like you will let go of me and walk away ... at the same time i dont want to lock you up here ... knowing damn well you are your own person. dont look at me like that Y/N ... i know you are strong and probably dont need me for anything but .. whenever i think about it .. you not needing me it feels like .. a knife pierces through my heart and i- "

before he could continue with his rambling you put a finger against his lips. all those words were enough for you. he literally opened his heart for you even if it was just a tiny little bit. caleb needed you, he was scared of losing you .. so it was fine to hope right?

biting down on your lip you put both hands against his cheeks. the confused look in his eyes was something you learned to adore. caleb always looked so cute whenever he didnt knew what you were up to now. slowly you got on your tip toes just to be a bit closer to him. your noses nearly touched as caleb took another shaky breath but he didnt dared to speak. if he was too scared to take the next step in your relationship you would do it. even if your heart is nearly bursting at the moment.

another hitched breath as your lips finally got in contact with his own, from that moment on everything was just a blurr. calebs arms wrapped tightly around your body as he captured your lips in a desperate manner. it felt like he was starving all those years and finally got to eat something again. from time to time he broke the kiss for a short moment, just to look at you with those eyes. eyes which were full of yearning, yes yearning. all those years he had looked at you like this and you never noticed it before. the world around you two didnt mattered anymore as caleb, once more, pressed his lips against yours. his own breathing was shaky as his body forced you near the sofa. even if you were stumbling a bit his strong arms were ready to catch you.

the moment the back of your knees touched the sofa, your butt fell onto the soft fabric. this time you got a better look at calebs face as he was hovering over you. one of his arms was placed beside your head against the sofa, so he wouldnt crash on top of you.

"who thought .. you could be this bold y/n .. "

a smirk formed on your face as you wrapped both arms around his neck, pulling him closer again "well ... you took too long caleb. a hunter wont wait forever for its prey."

the last thing you saw was a smiling caleb before he dived back in to capture your lips. this time in a much softer and tender kiss.

[brianlesshetaliawritings]

Can you do yandere canada and russia after they stop their darling from escape with a bit of violence like broken bone? Like how they treat y/n after that

Yandere Canada and Russia after breaking his darling's leg. (to stop them escaping)

would it be bad to say im excited to write this? idk. i got to thinking and decided i'll go with a broken leg if ya don't mind, sorry. also, sorry again for taking so long. and also like, sorry if this sucks ass??.. i didnt pass writing class if you can tell. but uhh.. ya, this is probably really bad so im sorry. :( another note: I JUST FUCKING REALIZED THAT THIS WAS PROBABLY A REQUEST FOR AFTERWARDS OH MY GOD IM STUPID I WAS GONNA WRITE THE WHOLE PROCESS AND SHIT😭 I NEVER READ SHIT ALL THE WAY ISTG

tw: violence, broken bones, abuse, force feeding, similar stuff

!! yandere content. if you can't handle any behavior possibly seen in a yandere please don't read this. !! (example; obsessive, stalkery, possessive, violent, or generally horrid behaviour.)

Canada

Canada honestly hated having to do this, but he really felt like he had to. That and he was just really pissed. Like a lot. Like screaming, hitting, and punching type pissed. But, again, doesn't like seeing you hurt.

After he absolutely destroyed your lower calf and beat you for a while he spent a minute staring at you, a bit in a daze, until eventually suddenly snapping out it and quickly bringing you home to properly care for the damage he has afflicted upon you.

He was way gentle afterwards, bandaging and disinfecting the wounds with much care and as thuroughly as possible. Though, it was clear he wasn't just going to let this off the hook with the way he decided to directly tie you to a hook on the wall, with very little wiggle room and no way to move more than maybe a foot.

Your progress in all the freedom you acquired was not only reset, but even worse than where you first got here. It's uncomfortable, even with the pilow he provided you. You're no longer allowed to have your hands free in general, and he has to feed you instead of letting you do it yourself. When you need to use the restroom you have two minutes in there until he starts asking what you're doing in there.

It wasn't really all that painful though outside of the ache of the previous abuse he made you endure. That and the occasional ache from the limitted positions you have at your disposal, don't worry though. Every three days he'll switch your spot so you'll at the very least have a different view to look at. In general, he isn't the worst to have, but definitely not the quickest to forget. You'll be stuck doing this for another month or two before he even considers giving you the slightest of freedoms.

Russia

Ivan is not nearly as lenient as Canada. Hell, after he beats the life out of you, probably breaking more than just your leg, he decides to lock you up in the basement—the cold, empty basement. He drags you to the stairs, shoves you down, and locks the door before ditching you for the next day or so.

Eventually, though, he returns, purely to ensure you don't die. You've been bad, but he'd never want you dead. It would be a lonely world without you by his side. His hands roughly push you around as he wraps you up in bandages and drenches your wounds, rubbing the stuff off with a washcloth afterward. He forces you to be tied up in a position where the majority of your bones will heal correctly, besides the leg. If the leg is messed up, that'll make any future attempts all the harder for you, which is what he wants.

Once he's done with that, it'll be another two days. No food, no water, no warmth, no him. Just sitting in the basement without pain medicine, starving, perhaps freezing, as he does nothing to help you with frostbite or hypothermia. Though, as expected, he returns yet again, and this time with food. The force-feeding will be rough, and you'll likely choke a couple of times, but honestly, it's better than you having been starving earlier.

This will be your life for two or so weeks, rotting in the basement, with your only human interaction being when you need to eat or maybe even for the restroom. The good news, though, is that Russia isn't a very patient man. Even if he's frustrated, he misses you a lot. So you'll be freed rather quickly compared to Canada, funny enough. Or at least, freed from the basement, that is.

Don't take this as him forgetting, though. Oh no, he remembers. You're only this lucky because he loves you, okay? You'll never know any of the freedoms you might've had in the past, and you're pretty much stuck with being tied or trapped for the rest of your miserable life. The only thing that'll really change is just the quality of how he'll treat you, the comfort in which you'll be provided, and your setting. So have fun, dear reader, and good luck. You'll need it.

[dottybot]

Lost housing and almost killed by our landlords

(Twice)

C*sh app: $dottybot

V*nmo: @dottybot

@translesbo's Paypal: huront499@gmail.com

My partner, @translesbo, and I after signing a lease, were put through 2 big gas leaks during times we had planned on and had been close to sleeping in the apartment. The entire time the place made us sick and was hard to breathe in with a strong awful smell and remained unihabitable, causing us to be without a home since July 3rd, 2023 due to it.

We are a brown latine lesbian couple and both trans (her transfem and myself tme cafab) and autistic along with other disabilities, and have 2 esa cats.

The whole time during the lease, the landlord would excuse the lack of cleanliness and poor maintenance of the building with that it was an old building, deny things she once acknowledge, and imply that we were just lying or causing the problems and even giving us trouble with getting out of the lease. But before that it led up to 2 big gas leaks.

To not make the post appear too lengthy, the rest is under a cut.

So the 1st gas leak, we were earlier sure about taking and about to load up the cats with us to all attempt sleeping there for the night, only last minute getting the feeling like we should not bring them and then deciding not to. Once in the apartment, we were there, windows shut the entire time, for 3+ hours. I went from the regular struggle to breath, head pain, and sickly feel to escalating much more and becoming very out of it, struggling to stay awake to beginning to feel so out of control, and I never would have guess we were being poisoned due to the state it had already put me in. Kat only noticed by chance, the smell of gas by the oven, when she was just starting to feel more off, which we otherwise wouldn't have spotted with how strong the place smelled. We were so close to not noticing it at all.

Kat had been barely able to drive but got us to the nearby ER, and doctors confirmed the gas poisoning, and kept us there for 3 or 4 hours through the night until recovered enough, fortunately due to it being short term, we had no lasting damage on our bodies, just both felt very ill the next day, and myself barely able to move I remained sick from it for 3 days.

That morning, Kat had contacted the gas company as the doctors suggested, though they could not do anything as we followed the leases direction and were not notified during the event, so no one but the apartment maintenance would be able to even confirm it happening. However, the fire departmen came with a firetruck, since it was also recommended by the doctor to get the place checked out by them.

The landlord later called, after us updating her of current apartment issues promptly as per lease requirements, and this call she went too far. She kept up with her same tactics but worse. She tried implying either we made up that there was a leak or we intentionally gave ourselves gas poisoning (like we were still very sick from the previous night) and was then many times claiming everything is fine with the maintenance man the landlord insists "he knows what he's doing" and "no one has ever had a problem with him", because we had included our concerns with him-- this guy had tried making kat sound like she overreacted and didn't know anything, kept claiming that "Gas does Not spread" so we should have been fine, not having any effects of poisoning, along with other contrary claims.

Anyways, the landlord lady was very clearly implying she thinks we are liars about there even being a gas leak, implying we didnt contact the gas and fire department which she claimed to "work closely with so they wouldn't lie, because she contacted the places and no one had documentation since maintenance was the only one to witness, it was her word against ours. This is when we realize due to the lease instructions to forgo contact to a third party professional to fix gas leaks, we would not be able to have paper documentation against her to prove it. She even "randomly" asked the name of our previous apartment place, and mentioned threatening like "didnt you have a gas leak there too?" As even more reason to accuse us, and saying she may have to contact our previous apartment place and saying how odd she thinks it was to have another leak, though this one worse,

On the 3rd day, after the 1st leak I was still feeling ill only starting to recover, the 2nd leak happened. this time we had to bring our cats with us, since we had no where else to stay with our previous lease over, and the apartment still uninhabitable and made us both more sickly, and still feared being there.

Earlier in that day, we were reassured multiple times that it was fixed and that "the stove SHOULD be putting out a gas smell for the next hour or 2", and that it means it's "Fixed, working" the maintenance man kept insisting, even the landlord lady was there strongly confirming multiple times it was true because "he Knows what he is doing" again, even confirming therepair was checked later in the day to make sure there was no leak and that it was safe.

We were afraid to go back after the 1st leak after how badly to us at least it seemed to be pouring out earlier in the day and their claim that it was supposed to be that way, but it was the only option we had.

We were unsure if we were just overreacting for a while and imagining the smell, it was several hours laters with all windows having been left open, though eventually calling our gas company this time to get proper documentation and a professional, since the smell had not diminished.

Kat was told by the gas man that gas was shooting out, and he's seen fires breakout from similar.. so we had to get Out.

Which led to us being homeless and having to sleep in the car and soon after, we were fortunately able to stay at Kat's parents house though they do not have space for us, keeping us and our cats in her nephew's small cramped room, with Kat sleeping on a broken bed that is messing with her scoliosis, and me havung to sleep on the floor for over a month now really taking a toll on me. And our cats have been under constant stress, making them require more care and expense.

This whole thing has made me lose my job, has been traumatic for us both, and lose easily over $2,500 into cost of the apartment and our repairs alone, and $250 on an attourney that did not try to help much but was able to get us out of the lease. On top of kat recently being wrongfully stopped by a cop for a made up reason, giving her a $135 ticket, along with having to take a 5 week un paid leave of absence to be able to help deal with our situation. And we can no longer put off car repairs, we have put off this whole year since it sputters most of the time instead of starting now along with other concerning issues.

We have currently been trying to find better jobs and a place to live, though due to the unstable living situation and and loss of income it has been more difficult to find a place.

So, any mutua*aid if you have the means and any reblogs would really help and be appreciated a ton

[sleepyhouse2art]

so one of my fav people on here commented on my last post about how i dont believe sex work is work asking my opinion on decrim. im just going to copy paste it here because i want to clarify/explain my position/say how i feel. it is unedited so please forgive me if im repeating myself or saying shit dumb or whatever:

it was very bad!! idk, i only started being able to think all the stuff that happened during that time wasnt all my fault like a few months ago. therapy bro. i do i do -- so, i like the nordic model/equality model/survivor-led model, because its three tenets are this: 1. decriminalize sex work! 2. criminalize sex buying! 3. provide support services for those wishing to exit prostitution, such as safe and affordable housing, education/training, childcare, healthcare (physical and mental), and emotional support from peers and other people. i like it because it safeguards prostitutes from prosecution while prosecuting sex buyers/pimps and offers people ways out if they want to get out, which in my experience everyone ive ever known wants out. nobody at the street level likes it. what i dont like about full decrim (which is decrimming SEX BUYING in addition to prostitution) is that it tacitly normalizes exploitation and abuse (most prostitutes are in the game due to financial coercion of many kinds, including but not limited to poverty, addiction, homelessness, etc, and i believe any paid sex act by coerced people is rape), absolves pimps and sex buyers of their direct responsibility for that exploitation and abuse, and does not decrease rates of trafficking/violence/stds/etc the way that the nordic/equality/survivor-led model does. (gonna continue this in next comment cause i dont think tumblr comments let you do paras and this is probably long)

i do believe that people should have the freedom to do what they want! i do not think entering into prostitution or other forms of paid sexual acts is a good idea for anyone, but hey, other people are not me. i am sure there are people who dont experience the exploitation and abuse and vast, vast unhappiness that me and the majority of other prostitution survivors (i say this because me and many others have been in very real danger of losing our lives while selling sex) did and do, and thats good! i do not want people to go through what i went through! BUT i think touting the 'sex work is work' slogan and these tales of these 'happy hookers' comes at the expense of the most vulnerable and marginalized. we hear about people selling pics/videos or selling sex for beaucoup bucks as escorts or working as dominatrixes or whatever, but you know who they dont show us? people who are selling sex to survive. people who are selling sex to fund their addictions. people who are unhappy and exploited and sick and miserable and unprotected by anyone in the world, because nobody gives a fuck. i havent seen anyone engaged in street-level prostitution who was happy doing what they did. when i was in the life i engaged in a lot of self-deception and posturing to deal with it. i had to think i was a wild and cool and adventurous person who didnt give a fuck about anything. i was often homeless and i was addicted to heroin. i kept up with that posturing until i just...couldnt. until things got too desolate, and too many bad things had happened to me, and i barely felt like a person at all. i just felt like a body. when my husband (then friend) let me come to live with him, i was so fucked i couldnt eat or talk to people anymore. i didnt really realize how fucked i even was. i started reading about other peoples experiences and i found they had suffered the same catastrophic damage that me and the other prostitutes i used to know did.

so gradually through reading these experiences and thinking about my own and my old friends and doing therapy (im not clear on my therapists position - weve never talked about it and dont really need to, she just listens to me freak out) i came to have the opinions that i do. i mean i have seen some shit, man. i watched my roommate, who was a wonderful, clever, hilarious, sheisty, brave fucking woman i loved, sicken horribly after the hiv shed contracted from prostitution progressed to aids. we used to lay on the couch and just hold each other. she was so tiny. we did karaoke and went looking for arrowheads. one day she caught a case and had to leave the state and packed up her car with her abusive piece of shit boyfriend and i never got to see her again. i saw my best friend -- this was after i got out -- become addicted to heroin with her boyfriend and go from camming and selling panties to letting her boyfriend pimp her out, and how it emptied out her face and made her so fucking sad. we used to eat bon bons and watch married in the family together in her attic in lingerie and talk about fucked up manga. i miss her so much. her boyfriend, who was one of our friends too, overdosed in his parents bathroom and i think she got clean. i hope she did. she stopped talking to everyone. she was the coolest girl i ever met. i loved her. these are just two stories and i know so many and i wish i didnt. there is mine too. maybe one day i will talk more about it on here. i dont know. but knowing what i do know and seeing what ive seen, i really bristle at the suggestion that 'sex work is work'. its not work. its not a job. its not normal. its not ok. for all the people who are happy doing that, thats cool, i have no problem with them at all. but i do think theyre comfortable and removed from the reality that so many of us face/faced, and that they dont think about us and they definitely, definitely dont know what its like to be us. so thats my piece, i guess.

[vmpruiins]

I used to hate Apple when I was younger, but now I recognize she's just as much a victim as Raven is. She has the Headmaster, someone who she looks up to and respect, telling this young girl she and Raven will essentially DIE if Raven doesn't sign. He's dead ass manipulating this teen girl. He doesn't phrase it as die specifically, this man is careful to IMPLY without saying it, so he can just blame her entirely later bc 'i never said you two would die, I just said Apple's future wouldn't be secured. Blame her for wanting to step on your back so she can live lavishly!'

Like deadass this man is a cowardly butt monkey. Won't even admit he only has one case where someone disappeared after not following the story, when we have deviations already suggesting it's not the end of the world if it doesn't pan out: Ella isn't an abused orphan when the show starts, and that alone already contradicts the Cinderella story? Not to mention Ramona and Cerise existing implies the ending is not as "set in stone" as Grimm makes it out to be. Otherwise how TF would Wolf be able to have kids after dying? Where's his proof that deviations and refusal to comply result in eventual disappearences every time? Like things do not add up, and ngl it probably was setting up for a future movie that we ended up never getting. Those details feel too deliberate to be plot holes, and it feels like Grimm was being set up as the ultimate big bad.

She can be callous, oblivious, and blind to the damage she's causing, but she's still a CHILD whose being emotionally played by a grown man who doesn't want to accept a another young girl doesn't want to be ruined in all aspects of life to boost Apple up. Like as far as Apple concerned, she's fighting for her life, and Raven is just willfully endangering them both. It doesn't excuse her actions, but at worst she's just a spoiled child who is being outright lied to and being turned against her peers, and at best she's under the genuine belief Raven is willing to kill them both just because of whatever her destiny is. Also, I think it's canonical Apple doesn't know Raven will end up poor and homeless after her story concludes, like Grimm is purposely keeping that fact from her. As far as we know, she might naively think Raven will be fine bc clearly the villains don't actually die (once again, see the Wolf being a teacher despite his tale ending in him getting cut open). she still not being a good person, bc at some point one would normally stop and go "why is this person risking death by defying their story?" Or how she constantly harasses Raven, trying to get her to sign her right to a good future away. But she's just a minor antagonist, really, she's not the bad guy, and she was even on the road to siding with the rebels before the franchise got cancelled. Apple is not the evil queen bee some make her out to be

ANON i 100% agree!! i used to hate apple when i was younger too until i rewatched eah when i was older and realized how fucked her situation was, home and school life. shes being emotionally manipulated by not only the headmaster but her mother and raven’s mom??? like? damn

unfortunately we only see her relationship with her mom in dragon games but its so strained. apple had been feeling the pressure of being the next snow white, living up to her mother’s expectations while also thinking about everyone elses expectations and futures. thinking everyone would die if she and raven didnt follow their respective legacies like obviously that would make a 15/16 year old act irrationally and selfishly!!! shes literally a child who thinks she has the entire world to take care of.

the building of apple’s conflict with following their destinies is done so wonderfully imo and feels so natural and does justice to her character. it really begins with ashlynn dating hunter, thus not following her predetermined destiny. apple reacts irrationally at first and hurts ashlynn but comes to accept it despite her not fully understanding. briar follows in foot, throwing the story book of legends in the well and revealing to apple during thronecoming (i think it was?? correct me if im wrong) that she doesnt want to sleep for a hundred years. i think apple really starts to see it there and the last push being raven while they were in wonderland, seeing how badly it would affect raven if she followed her destiny 100%, revealing how much she CARES and loves raven and honestly confirming she didnt know the outcome of raven’s future.

apple at the end of the day is a child being manipulated by the adults she looks up to and has so much pressure on her and yet still comes out changed, loving and accepting. and i think that ties in perfectly with her destiny, being destined with darling after all. tbh shes kind of a great queer allegory too

and i agree that if they choose not to follow their predetermined destinies nothing would happen, like at all. red riding hood and the wolf are proof of this!! they didnt follow their destinies and theyre perfectly fine with two daughters, and they love each other. i wish we got an eah movie exploring the main characters and the way they choose to handle their destinies considering a lot of them have tragic ones like briar, duchess, cerise/ramona, etc. i do wonder who’d be the next small/minor antagonists after apple though, perhaps it’d be duchess? as she was always one.

also i HATE grimm i hate him he stinks hes so annoying actually the worst headmater ever

[stoic--rose]

final fantasy 1 progress update #4

finished the game this morning, as promised! im glad i finally played this game. i was totally expecting it to be the rpg equivalent of doing my taxes, but in the end i actually had a ton of fun with it! it's so cool seeing the origin of all of these classic rpg tropes, and the game itself was actually pretty fun! (at least, the psp version was...)

i stated in my first progress update all my thoughts on the party members and their use cases, and as i played i realized that those definitely morph and change over the course of the game. some party members become better, some get worse, etc etc.

if you're confused, here's a GRAPH i made because im the world's biggest fuckin nerd. Raz was useful the whole time, her big damage is always really good. i did find it kind of weird how you can teach the warrior certain spells once you upgrade to the knight, and even though i gave raz all the spells i could, i pretty much never used em until the final boss, where i used nullshock and nullblaze. Lars, as previously stated, absolutely wrecked house in the second half, but he REALLY sucked at first. i didn't get that his gimmick is that you dont give him armor, and he just felt like a worse warrior. however, at some point during the game, he just started dishing out insane amounts of damage, and combining that with both Haste and Temper made him even better. Mia served her role as healer pretty well, though starting out her healing spells were kind of whatever. they got better over time, but by the time she got her better healing spells i was already rolling in an insane amount of gil, and just bought items instead. Protecta and Invis were still really useful for bosses though! i think Jojo was the weirdest of the four in terms of growth, they start out kind of whatever, just casting the basic elemental spells, but once you get those multi target spells, they were my main damage dealer in the midgame. Raz and Lars definitely overtook them in damage at a point though, and while Jojo was still useful for crowd control, i didnt find myself using them for focus fire as much. Temper is always good, at least!

OK so now that i'm done talking about that, let's talk final boss. spoilers ahead in case you ever plan to play ff1, but if you ask me, the story in this game is suuuper light, and doesn't really matter that much. basically, once you reach the final floor of the temple of chaos, you find Garland, the guy you fought at the very beginning of the game. he tells you about a time loop he's been stuck in... i think. i didn't really understand this part, but i did really like that the first guy you fight ends up becoming the final boss, that being Chaos. i think Chaos was the only fight to give me any sort of REAL trouble in the whole game, aside from Warmech, which i didn't even beat. this fight made me realize a couple things, one, reviving party members doesn't even really feel like an option. any revival options (phoenix downs and Mia's Life spell) always revive someone with just one hp, so you have to hope that the enemy doesnt kill them again before you can heal them up. you might think, why not have one party member revive them, then have another heal them in the same turn? i thought of that too, but im pretty sure turn order in this game is randomized. which is. stupid. second realization, the Haste spell is TOTALLY busted. i didn't put it on Mia since i thought it was just a speed boost, but in reality it makes whoever it's cast upon hit more times per attack. this essentially makes it an attack buff, which i didn't realize. i was struggling with the Chaos fight, and on a whim i tried to use the Hermes Boots item on someone, which casts Haste. (yeah, certain equipment when used as an item in battle cast free spells.... this game's weird) moments later, Raz and Lars are dealing thousands of damage, and Chaos goes down in seconds.

one final thing i wanna touch on before wrapping this up: the music! i was not expecting it to be this good!!!! i know im listening to the psp soundtrack, but even then, i love a lot of these songs! the airship theme is pretty bangin, the Sunken Shrine music is super cool, and MAN, the Flying Fortress music struck such a chord with me. that's a keeper for sure.

oh, one more thing i forgot to mention in the last update... im kinda miffed that, in the psp version, they changed the flying fortress from a sort of techno, metallic space station to more of a basic fantasy castle lookin thing. man, the nes look just feels so much more mysterious and adds so much intrigue! like, why is this futuristic space station thing in this old timey fantasy land? who built it, and what happened to them? it also makes warmech feel more inline with the area, and i like warmech a lot!

OK NOW I PLAY FF2 THANK YOU FOR LISTENING TO MY RAMBLINGS

[hockybish]

going so far that she gave back her beloved Buggy

(when they get older)

she gave buggy back and jack didnt give it back to her this time, lola was so heartbroken because him giving it back to her meant they were on good terms. eventually they are okay but he still doesn’t give buggy back.

when jack goes to jersey he unintentionally takes buggy with him and once he realizes it he keeps it but in the back of his closet and forgets about it.

one day jack is cleaning the back of his closet out and finds it and just thinks about the stuff animal and how he gave it to her and how close they used to be. he thinks about how he really messed his relationship up with his little sister.

:(

oh. this made me cry.

he wants to give back to her too. or at the very least he thinks he should give it back. so he puts in a box of things he's planning on bringing to the lake house that summer. jack forgets about buggy again and the box of things gets shoved in the attic.

in the coming years the hughes family out grows that lake house. all four kids chip in for a newer, bigger one that fits everyone and then some. everything from the previous house, including buggy's box gets brought to the new home and put in either the attic or the garage.

fast forward a few years to a small christmas break that the nhl gives them, the whole hughes clan, ellen and jim plus four kids and their significant others along with five grand babies, meet for a quick celebration in michigan before play resumes again.

lola's pregnant, her and mason do a little gender reveal sort of thing, were they both had pucks filled with colored powder. once they were hit, pink powder flew everywhere. they were going to have a little girl.

the whole family was excited. and jack had an idea. he just needed to find it first. when got back home, he searched the entirety of the new jersey place only to come up empty. jack really hoped he didn't accidentally get rid of it.

the ducks were still in the race for the cup when baby girl was born. luke and his family went to anaheim to meet the little girl, while the others were already at the lake house and opted to wait until after the ducks won, when lola and mason and baby could come to michigan to meet her.

jack still hadn't found the stuffy and was about to give up when he went digging around in the garage of the lake house. it was in one of the last boxes, a little worn and damaged from years of sitting there in a box. jack found someone to restore it and buggy arrived just in for their arrival.

"this is for baby lacey, i know how much it meant to you, it's only right she should have it." jack gave buggy to the new baby, and by extension lola.

"oh my, buggy? you kept it? after all these years? i thought you just threw it away." lola tried not to start crying at the gesture, but her eyes betrayed her and liquid dripped from them.

"i, thank you jack. you don't know how much this means to me" she got up, baby lacey still in her arms and hugged her brother.

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA, (or, was I) for only taking one cat with me?

will explain the title as i go. also, this is about something that happened like a year ago but it still weights on my mind. backstory-ish first, so sorry for the length of the text.

I (20+) moved out a little more than a year ago to my first own apartment. My siblings moved out before i did, so now my moms living with only her boyfriend and the remaining cats. We had four cats before i moved out, all of which are allowed to go outside (i know, outdoor cats, they have been all my life and i didnt realize the danger they were in & being for the local environment when i was a kid). My new apartment is on the second floor. When i moved out, i decided to take one cat with me, because he really kind of imprinted on me since he was a baby and would constantly follow me around. And while i didnt like the thought of forcing an in&outdoor cat to suddenly only be indoors in a smaller space than our house was, i figured it would be fine if its him.

one of our other cats, which we got a few years after we got the cat i took with me, also really liked to spend time in my room and with cat 1. We got cat 2 from the animal shelter after his previous owner, an old lady, got dementia and had to give him away.

my mom and her boyfriend suggested i take both cats with me and not just one. i didnt want to for a few reasons:

(1. i wasnt sure how much cat 2 would like suddenly being an indoor cat in a smaller space bc he spent like 50% of his time outside and the other 50 in my room, 2. i wasnt sure if the apartment would be big enough for two cats 3. i wasnt sure how hed adjust to yet another new living place, because he took some time adjusting when we got him from the shelter and would meow/yell a lot when no one was with him until he got used to his new home. when i moved out i was about to start a new job training-ish thing which required me to not be home for some hours 5 days a week so the cats would be on their own a lot. and reason 4., which is were i felt kinda selfish: cat 1 is a shorthair cat and cat 2 a maine coon so all my clothes and stuff would be full of hair all the time, even when we tried to prevent it. i didnt really care as a child growing up bc we had a lot of long hair cats but i was kinda thinking that a new space with less cat hairs on everything would also be kinda nice)

i only told my mom and her bf reason 1, 2 & 3 bc i felt like a dick for reason 4. i love all of our cats a lot and leaving any of them at my moms place was really difficult because i was just so used of them always being there all my life. my mom told me after i moved out that cat 2 was still around my old room a lot and started spending even more time outside bc me and cat 1 weren't there anymore. and while hed start purring and cuddling when they pet him outside, he wouldnt spend time with them on their laps or on the couch a lot bc hed just get up and go somewhere else a lot of times.

thats kind of the backstory for this.

now for the (additional) reason i feel like i could be the asshole: my mom and her bf started going on trips a lot like 2-3 years ago, and he only moved in once i had moved out. so whenever they were on trips or she was visiting him, id take care of the cats and cuddle and play with them. once i moved out, they redid parts of the house (kitchen & bath) and got a lot of furniture from her bfs home. her bf likes the cats too, but he doesnt want them to be inside the house that much when they arent there bc he thinks they shed hair everywhere and could damage his furniture or something? so when they went on their next few trips, the 3 remaining cats would mostly be outside with access to a kind of sunroom? attached to the house. and either my grandparents or a friend of my mom would come and feed the cats every day.

me and my siblings didnt really like them suddenly having to be outside so much when it was normal for them to be inside the house even when we weren't home for all of our lives before that and told our mom too (by now she has seen our point and convinced her bf to let them be inside more so its getting better over time. but i wish we would have gotten our point across sooner.)

during one of their trips near christmas last year, when one of her friends was taking care of the cats, cat 2, the maine coon, disappeared. we dont know if he ran away or someone took him because his fur is so pretty or if he got into an accident. my whole family was really sad about him being gone and kept hoping hed come back and asked around irl and online if anyone had seen him. to this day, he hasnt been found. and i know that thats a (unnecessary) risk you take with outdoor cats. and that it was my moms and her bfs decision to keep the cats mostly outside and go on 1-3 week-long trips. but i still blame myself for not just taking him with me to my new apartment. looking back on it, all the reasons i had dont seem to have any weight at all and if i had taken him with me, hed still be around and id know hes healthy and doing good. and he wouldnt have been separated from me and his cat buddy.

so, was i the asshole for not just taking him with me to my new place when i moved out?

pet tax (in order):

What are these acronyms?

[blizzardstarx]

Gingerheart/star of (AU) ThunderClan! @castiels-destiny

A fiery blaze will unite the clans,

A messenger of StarClan brings new hope.

Fun fact her name was Gingersnap for some reason and until someone pointed out that it was a type of cookies 😭😭😭 (i sort of registered it in my brain when i made it that name but i didnt remember what exactly were they)

Anyways her backstory is based off a bunch of roleplays i did, Gingerkit was born to Sandbreeze (originally it was Sandstorm I think, but i changed it to not cause confusion with the other TC Sandstorm) and had two other littermates, Tigerkit, Songkit, and Whitekit. (all were played by diff people, idk if those were their original names)

One night, a rogue named Shade came into ThunderClan camp and started to kidnap (kitnap?) them one by one, Songkit, then Whitekit, who managed to escape, and then one day when Tigerkit and Gingerkit were together, the rogue grabbed her by the scruff. However, Gingerkit managed to get her claws on his face and he let go, dropping her. She scrambled to tell her mother, but she didn't believe her, and the rogue got away.

Sandbreeze then realized that Songkit was missing, and a patrol had found her dead body, drowned in a river. And after all her remaining kits told her about the same rogue, she finally believed them.

When it was time for her to become an apprentice, Gingerkit wanted to be a medicine cat apprentice because she would constantly hang around the medicine den and learn about herbs, as well as having dreams from StarClan, of the prophecy (at the top). She was told she couldn't because there were too many, Featherleg and Bluepaw were already the medicine cats. (Also Featherleg recieved that prophecy during Dappledfur/star’s leadership ceremony)

She was apprenticed to Honeyfur, and after a moon, the medicine cats had gone missing. (i have no clue where they went in the rp, they just disappeared and came back a long time after) Dappledstar decided that instead of borrowing a medicine cat from another clan, she would appoint Gingerpaw as a new medicine cat. A few moons later, the medicine cats returned, and Gingerpaw was made a warrior apprentice one more. Her littermates became warriors faster than her, due to the lost time. A few moons after she became warrior, she would have an apprentice.

During gatherings, she would make friends with all sorts of cats from other clans, and disliked the fighting between the clans. After a particularly harsh leaf-bare and during a famine, Gingerheart had another dream, of a StarClan cat telling her of the prophecy again, and Gingerheart realized the need of a messenger, someone that could be fast and provide resources like herbs to the other clans. When a medicine cat wasn't fast enough. She was the messenger of StarClan, and she must unite the clans.

She told Dappledstar and Cloudripple (the deputy) about this idea, and they agreed. She did have experience with herbs, and she was fast. Gingerheart would also resolve conflicts with other clans as well, and at the next gathering, they announced this new role named ambassador. (the mediator role was created after i created the ambassador role...)

She would travel amongst the clans and do her job, until one day she was hunting a squirrel. Gingerheart caught the squirrel, landing in the middle of a thunderpath, her left leg outstretched, when suddenly she noticed a monster driving towards her. She tried to scramble away, but it was too late, crushing her left front leg and damaging it out of repair.

Gingerheart had to spend many moons resting in the medicine den, but she didn't give up, exercising and learning to overcome her disability, wanting to return to her role as she knew cats needed her help.

She eventually does, and during one trip, she discovered some loners living in barn. Gingerheart meets a loner named Eclipse and her family, noticing how they treated her badly, belittling her and making her an outcast. (they’re canonically homophobic)

She would stay there for a few days because of a storm, and they were friendly and welcoming to her. Gingerheart also falls in love with Eclipse during her stay. Gingerheart tells them of clan life, and Eclipse is interested, wanting to leave her family, who protest. Eclipse tells Gingerheart that she had weird dreams of a fiery cat saving her, and she would rescue Eclipse from her family, adventuring back to ThunderClan.

They get attacked by a fox, and they fight it off, but they get injured. Gingerheart knew that they were close to ThunderClan camp, so she carried Eclipse on her back, fighting through her injuries, despite Eclipse’s protests. They get to the camp, and Gingerheart collapses, waking up later in the medicine cat den to Blueflower scolding her, as well as Eclipse and her littermates looking at her with concern.

After she heals from her injuries, she tells Dappledstar about Eclipse’s wishes, and she makes her a warrior, despite some cats protesting. Eclipse and Gingerheart become mates.

After a few moons, a threat comes to the clans as cats start to die and get sick mysteriously. Gingerheart recieves a sign from StarClan of deathberries sitting in the center of a five pointed leaf and shows it to Blueflower, who interprets it as something poisoning the clans. The clans argue with each other, accusing each other of poisoning their prey, leading to a fight at the gathering. Gingerheart and other warriors try to get them to stop, but they continue, until StarClan clouds the moon, bringing rain and thunder as lightning strikes one of the trees, ending the gathering.

Gingerheart eventually figures out it was the Twolegs poisoning the prey and polluting the water, leading to the sickness and deaths. However, the clans were in a war, and she had to get the help of her friends from the other clans, convincing them and showing them her evidence, and them convincing their leaders.

Cloudripple becomes leader after Dappledstar loses her last life during one of the battles. He offers Gingerheart the role of deputy, but she refuses. Seasons pass, and she’s offered it multiple times as deputies change, until finally, she gives in, becoming deputy but also still being ambassador.

Seasons pass, diseases, threats, rogues try to take down the clans but they stay strong. Cloudstar passes, and Gingerheart becomes the new leader of ThunderClan.

One day, Eclipse and Gingerstar recieve a message from StarClan.

Go back to the forest, and follow the northern warrior in the sky. Find the three lost clans and dispell the darkness plaguing them before it spreads to the lake.

The prophecy is about StormClan, StoneClan, and SunClan of course, and they have to travel back to the forest territory and north of it to find the three clans. They must follow the North Star Polaris and fight the group of rogues naming themselves DarkClan who are killing the clan cats.

okay holy shit that was long asf

heres old art of Gingerstar and also Eclipse

[helltiervriska]

stealing a bit of this from my IG story i think it belongs here

see ok ill never complain abt homestuck fans saying "homestuck sucks" because truly it does suck ass like from an objective standpoint ntm all of hussies internalized bigotry plagueing hs proper. what gets me abt homestuck fans is truly their INSANE lack of reading comprehension skills and obsession with out of character fan content. ill take a "homestuck fucking sucks and i hate it" fan over an "eridan killed the girl he was obsessed with and shot kanayas textual baby (the matriorb) in self defense" fan or an "i only read fanfiction of the dancestor dudes fuckin nasty style and i ignore the lesbian relationships that drive the entire plot" fan any day

the whole "self defense" eridan arguement hinges upon his duel with sollux with him "defending himself" from a fight that eridan literally started. like eridan was obsessed with dueling sollux for feferi's affection despite neither really wanting to fight him in the first place. sollux was reluctant until eridan just kept pushing for it and he got fed up. like if anything sollux was the one defending himself.

also i understand Why the dancestor males are so popular (when hs proper was updating, making NSFW yaoi content of 13-16 year old boys was obviously frowned upon by those with. idk a sliver of morals. so the horny hs fans that didnt want to sexualize young teenagers/didnt want to be Seen sexualizing young teenagers just made content of the 19 year olds instead) and like. its easy to flesh them out into whatever archetype u want bcs they have so little lines and only have depth thru porrim or araneas exposition rants. like making mituna a slur-slinging dickhead failure of a tony hawk wannabe VS a woobified poor victim of brain damage in need of a hug and a cuddlefuck; both are insanely easy choices to flesh him out into because his only traits are 1) having a TBI 2) likes to skate 3) is bad at skating and 4) just says slurs and other various insults every other line

but also i do think the homestuck shipping brain virus is terminal like in all honesty having the virus myself as a teen made me realize just how OBSESSED this fandom is with pairing everyone up to the point of like. fleshing out complete crackships. and when that fancontent gets popular suddenly everyone is shipping equidan or dirkkat or davejake or roxydan etc etc. like im not immune to a good crackship (jadevris how i wish u both could have interacted ...) but still.

the whole "hs sucks so theyre my OCs now" thing like. idrc you do you. but if u consider urself a big fan ask urself like; am i a fan of the actual comic? or am i just a fan of the fan content? and then go reread homestuck and see where ur opinions are after that

[spearxwind]

not to sound weird but what was that work you put in to get where you are 🙏 i want to improve my life so bad but have no clue where to start. even a general gist of things

You dont sound weird! I think it's commendable to want to change your life for the better, and I want to help in any way I can :D

This is also my own perspective but I think a lot of it could be universally applied if you look at it through different lenses of ppls different situations. This also got rly long so I'm putting it under a readmore ^^;

So I had pretty much been isolating myself with increasing ferocity for years until recently. Even when trying to reach out to people I was extremely closed off, keeping my feelings behind many walls and chains always. A lot of my hard work has come from undoing all of that fuckup. I put all my eggs into my online friendships (and even then had a hard time with them).

My behavior was a cluster of personal garbage, learned mannerisms from keeping bad company, and hardwired reactions to specific behaviors. It's something pretty hurtful to realize when you do realize it, but that doesn't mean that you are a bad person or a failure or anything like that. It just means that you have certain bare minimum survival behaviors that worked before but now are only doing you damage, and you have to learn to undo them. (which is a great step!!)

Which brings me to what I have (painfully) learned over the past several years: the basis to any and every good relationship, romantic, platonic, family, or anything is crystal clear communication. Straight up for the love of god communication skills will save your life time and time and time again

And also like I said in earlier posts the solution to wanting to be more social is just BEING more social. This is arguably extremely hard, especially after years of "if they want me around they'll ask me" and always waiting to be invited but not wanting to bother anyone by asking if you can join NO!!!!!!!! GET THAT SHIT OUT OF YOUR BRAIN EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY!!!!! It really does NOT work that way at all. People will invite you to things if they see you express interest in them. The same way that in your head you think 'theyll invite me if they want me to go' if they dont see you express interest people will think you dont want to join. If you go someplace and just stay recluse because youre shy they likely will also think "theyre probably not comfortable or dont want to be here, so we wont force them". People are inherently kind and they are definitely NOT thinking about shunting you on purpose (and I am speaking this, genuinely, from personal experience)

While I was studying my major I got close to a group of people and thought of them as my friend group, but they always seemed cold to me, and I rarely got invited to hangouts because they seemed closer among themselves so I ended up always thinking that they didn't really want me around, and created all of these assumptions in my mind about them or what they thought of me.

Years later, recently, I found one of them again just... randomly while walking through the street and we started talking. And in my much better state of mind I asked about this whole thing because I wanted to know how the rest of the group was doing (I care very much for them still) and he revealed to me that THEY were the ones who thought I was shutting myself off of the group bc I didnt wanna be close to them. Which just blew my mind but it made a lot of sense and explained a lot. I was always on my phone too, talking with my internet friends (because it was my comfort zone), so what they'd assumed was that I already had a friend group that I was invested in and so I wasnt going to prioritize them. SO basically this whole thing ended up being resolved with clear communication and would have been solved much earlier if I had just spoken up about it and gotten braver (though my mental state did not let me at the time)

Anytime you are making up assumptions and ultimatums in your mind without communicating them to the other party you should stop and very much go and speak out loud to the other party (or parties) it will genuinely do you good cause huge as hell brain snowballs do nothing but drown you in your own mind.

Also on the being social front, if you dont have the practice in then it will be hard but a lot of it is very much "fake it till you make it" and I genuinely cannot recommend that enough. Inject yourself into conversations and places and act like yourself unapologetically because the secret isnt to craft a persona that you think people will like, its just being yourself and finding people who will love you for who you are. And like I said I just got invested in other ppls plans and asked to be able to go to places, and oftentimes just by expressing interest i got invited "oh I love this show very much!!" "well we have a plan to watch it at my pals house do you wanna come?" "we were planning on going to X place this week" "omg that sounds so cool can I come with" "of course!" Generally people will respond with "the more the merrier" so please dont be afraid to ask. And even if you get a rejection or two it's fine, don't let it discourage you. Some plans are simply not meant to be, and that's totally fine too!

Something else I worked for was reestablishing contact with old highschool friends I'd lost and I missed terribly. I went out of my way to find them again (old phone numbers, old emails, old instagram accounts that hadnt posted since 2019), and I found them!

And most of them really missed me too and were absolutely thrilled I contacted them again, we picked up right where we left off eight years prior. With a lot to catch up to but its genuinely so nice to have them in my life rather than just melancholically thinking about them and wondering if they hated me or anything. Turns out that they had also thought to contact me as well or had tried and lost my phone, or some of them even thought that it was better to leave things as they were to not "stir up shit" so we were all stuck in the same loop of insane thinking without actually confirming it until one of us (me in this case) finally broke the ice (and it took a damn long time too)

The thing is, people are just like you. We all have our own mental nonsense to fight, and we all have our assumptions and propensity to think ourselves into the grave, that's why its so so so so important to communicate things as clearly and as often as possible. Bearing your suffering alone will only make you miserable in the end, and your circle is there to help you

As a last note, I do want to say I have been incredibly lucky, because the friend group I've been adopted into I have met through that one friend from uni that I just HAPPENED to find on the street. I could have not waved him over on the street and just kept walking with my music on and ignored him. I could have said 'no' to his offer to get dinner that day if I'd wanted to be home earlier. I could have never spoken up about liking eurovision and never gotten invited to the hangout where I met my bf. And none of this would have ever happened at all. But that just strengthens my advice of "just say yes and reach out of your comfort zone" because you never know where it's going to lead you!

All this to say:

Communicate clearly with your peers to reduce misunderstandings. More likely than not they'll be in the same boat as you are. (Also extra note. Communication works BOTH WAYS. It needs to come from both parties. It is also a skill you have to nurture and hone!!)

Be kind!! and be loving!! and be yourself unapologetically!!

reach out to people the same way that you'd want to be reached out to. It sucks that sometimes (even often) you have to be the one to do it, but you eventually reap what you sow and people will learn that they can reach out to YOU

People will respond in kind to you being nice to them and a positive energy in their life. Some people will take advantage of it yes, thats just how things are, and its something you have to learn to recognize but you should never let that steel your heart. It is so so so important to remain kind and loving the world needs it so much. We're all out here trying to make our own lives and our loved ones lives a little bit brighter <3

[beesmygod]

do you mind talking about what made effexor so bad for you? also where can I read about this streamer fake death lol

all the stuff on thedarkid is on SA in the sagas thread lol. i would prefer not to post a link bc the quality of new posters is at an all time low on that website and i dont want to contribute to the problem.

AS FOR EFFEXOR: i am prefacing this with the fact that this is my personal experience as a result of my body chemistry. effexor might work for some people with different body chemistry. my suggestion would be to try everything else first before resorting to this one and to be ready to feel really, really bad when discontinuing it.

i got off effexor because the negatives of taking it finally outweighed the positives and the problem i had been taking it for was no longer relevant. this will make me sound ridiculous so keep in mind i took crazy meds for this exact problem, but after we bought and moved into the house, i started having nightly panic attacks and weeping fits over both the decadence of my new non-renter lifestyle (which was materially going to impact the quality of my work and how i viewed reality) and the fact that i had taken a really big step toward commitment without having resolved the source of my deep social anxiety. i could realize how i was behaving and reacting was not normal and until i could get a therapist to address it, i was going to have to put a bandaid on it.

effexor flattened my emotions and my affect lol. this is really, really good for when you cannot reach a baseline of normality. this became bad when that flatness turned into apathy and started sliding into my day to day life. doing basic household chores became a daily struggle. then i started not making my deadlines on time because i completely lost the will to draw, which actively began to terrify me. and then once i started struggling to bathe and brush my teeth i was like "okay. something is really really wrong". so then i started the process of getting off.

that's the broad overview. i did not realize the extent of the damage it was causing me until i started getting it out of my system:

my sleep schedule was destroyed bc it gave me terrible insomnia.

night sweats. NIGHT SWEATS.

theres been a rash on my face for over a year that ive thrown EVERYTHING at to try to get rid of, thinking it was anything from lupus to a yeast infection. it turns out its just caused by the pill. it goes away when theres less in my system o_o

my lip was also split for a year. my gums were covered in sores. and the inside of my nose felt like someone put a weed whacker in there and sliced it up. huge scabs. constantly in tiny flecks of pain. miserable but not unbearable, you know?

pussy felt like sandpaper.

i didnt even notice this until later but it also made me fail to derive pleasure from the touch of another person. but like i wanted to. if someone held me or squeezed my hand it felt almost painful. shit made no sense but you just think "this isnt how its supposed to feel? whats wrong with me?". but like that's over. it stopped. it feels good again.

food tasted bad. and i dont mean no flavor i mean BAD. i say this a lot but i cannot understate how fucked it made my palate. its normal again thank god. i have a bag of coffee that tastes different depending on when the last time i took a pill was. i spent the last year complaining about how bad processed food tastes now like all companies decided to make their product bad instead of something being wrong with me specifically. but when adam's cooking started to taste bad i was like "wait. what? thats not possible". lol thanks honey for helping me realize....

this one is really weird: it would cause specific parts of my body to feel stiff. the worst and most chronic part was the small of my lower back, which felt pulled taught so tight it was uncomfortable. then it spread to the fingers of my right hand, causing me to have to stop every few minutes and scrunch my fingers to try to alleviate it. this symptom only returns after i take a dose now. it makes me thrash like a fish trying to get comfortable at night

[lohstandfound]

pinkberry 4 6 32?

4. How did they first meet?

My thoughts switch between as kids starting school or in middle school. I like to think Chloe latched onto Brooke quickly, becoming her first real close friend after Jake.

I have a thing with Chloe, Brooke, and Jake being an inseparable trio. Their climb to popularity, especially towards high school, was spearheaded by Chloe but the other two quite easily went along with it. However, their dynamic gets switched up in high school, especially when Jake and Chloe start dating, and Brooke begins to resent Jake.

6. When did they realize they loved each other?

Leading on from my last point, Brooke realised sometime after Chloe and Jake got together. I've said it before, Brooke begins to resent Jake because of how he's the only thing Chloe will pay attention to and Brooke wants Chloe to pay attention to her, why can't Chloe look at her the same way? Why can't she be the object of Chloe's attention? Why does she have to be obsessed with Jake? It's sometime during another break up between Jake and Chloe that she realises why she has such a strong resentment to Jake. But, of course, no matter how many break ups they go through Jake is who Chloe wants, so Brooke doesn't tell her.

Brooke tries to pin her feelings on someone else. Suddenly someone is seeing her first, suddenly someone is showing a genuine interest in her, suddenly she develops feelings for him. (Maybe she was trying to pin her feelings for Chloe on someone else, but that doesn't mean she doesn't get hurt when it doesn't end well).

Chloe didn't realise how much she loved Brooke until she almost lost her. I am firm on that. She spent so long chasing an idealised version of what her life could be, trying to live out those high school rom com movies and fairytales where the girl always ends up with the boy, and Jake is supposed to be her prince charming, her knight in shining armour. but that didnt work out, of course. and then her best friend refuses to talk to her after all the shitty things she did and suddenly she realises the damage she's caused. and suddenly she realises just how much she needs Brooke. and suddenly she realised just how important Brooke is to her. they have a long way to go, but the only place to start is apologising

32. How do they resolve their arguments?

oohhhh... okay. i think

i think arguments used to get very quickly dismissed and never really resolved at first, with Chloe never really apologising for anything and neither of them really wanting to push the subject matter any further. I think Chloe could be quite snappy and very confrontational, whereas Brooke isn't as confrontational as Chloe, but probably a little passive agressive? is it healthy? absolutely not. it's just one of the many things they had to learn to discuss, something that really came up when brooke had finally had enough post canon and just had a go at her. i havent really thought about this a lotand i dont think im getting it across as well as i would hope

i think post canon, after a particularly bad argument they would leave to cool off before trying again to approach the topic more carefully. less yelling, more of a discussion, more control over their tempers. because that's one thing that never really happened before, the communication. the actually listening to each other

[butchdre]

i thought i was going in prepared but i was not prepared cw for talk of shootings because thats what the movie revolves around.

obviously no i am not a tcc person nor do i condone shootings i feel like i shouldnt have to say this but alas. anyway if you choose to keep reading please do so with caution and stay safe

this movie was recommended to me by an old friend of mine and i decided to give it a try. it's on youtube for freebies and it's relatively short, just 80ish minutes, so i figured i'd watch tongiht and .fuck. i've watched zero day as well and honestly ive always considered that movie to be really well done in terms of its style and the message it's trying to convey, but yk. i cant really be vocal about it since tcc freaks are all over it like ants or perhaps flies. anyway i went into this movie knowing that the subject matter was similar to zero day but i was genuinely not prepared for this at all

i think a lot of it comes from identifying way too much with matt. theyre making a student film about getting revenge on a gang of bullies, and theyre the kind of kids that are like. really aggressiveand violent with it idk thats the best way i can describe it. and i feel like.. the red flags were there but people just didnt clock it until it was too late. and by then, like. the damage was already done. and i know saying 'oh i relate to matt' is suspicious but i mean it more in the way of how he just straight up loses his grip on reality. and how he doesn't even notice until it's practicallytoo late for him. and when he does notice it's so clear how frightened he is. and maybe im just hella projecting but i think the bullying they faced affected matt really badly and his escapism was through movies. he's got shit like uhh. pulp fiction, requiem for a dream, thats all shit that was posters in his room. and then he's making logos for his film that are riffing off of other films, like back to the future, and star wars, and shti like that and. owen talks about how matt acts like he's in a movie all the time, cameras or not, being totally fucking crazy like he's acting in a movie and how he doesnt know when matt is being genuine or if he's just acting, and. jesus man that hit home. like i think a lot of it is just that i have Movie Autism i fucking love moveis and so seeing all the movie references made me really relate to this guy but also the fucking escapism that devolves into delusion and being unable to separate that from reality and not even knowing who you really are anyomre. that part hit home i think. and i just look back on how fucked up i was as recently as a year ago and i think to myslef thank god i noticed. like, thank god i was able ot realize what was happening before i totally lost my grip on reality. because the part where he realized that he fit the exact definition of the way dave cullen described real life shooters that i will not name (they read an excerpt from that book! with permisison from cullen himself. idk i just think it's interesting and says a lot about the writers of the film that they reached out to thewriter and asked permission to read an excerpt in their movie. idk) and the fucking genuine emotion when he says that to owen and then owen just does not care what if i started sobbing right now

im surprised at how. idk. theres a scene at the end where he does kill someone, and i was expecting it to be like a total bloodbath (again, my only frame of reference is zero day which i havent watched in. idfk a year) but no. and yet somehow it's so much more impactful than the end of zero day. because he starts chasing after his friend and when he has him cornered and owen is fucking frightened and genuinely i think matt just doesnt Get It. he doesnt understand. and he goes 'what are oyu doing? its me!' adn fuck dude i know im reading way too far into this but like . hes saying that hes been like this the whole time! and hes confused why owen changed on a dime ebcause to himthis is the next logical step!! fuck!!!! and the worst part is i knew it was fucking coming adn yet i was telling myself no way. no way.

will i watch it again? probably not the whole way through, because i did just straight up start sobbing (and i've only cried atlike. two movies? three maybe?) and it fucked me up. but my god that movie was fantastic. if you're comfortable with the material it goes over and are able to stomach it, i do highly recommend it. fuckin hell what a film

[honeekyuu]

HONEEEEE SELF SHIP FRIDAY WHO CHEERED

i love these prompts so im asking a lot sorry not sorry happy self ship friday

pre: 2, 6

general: 8, 9

love: 2, 10

domestic: 2, 8

MOLLYYYYYY LETS FUCKING GO IT'S SUNA DAY (it's always fking suna day lets be fucking real)

self ship questions!

pre 2: What was their first impression of each other?

suna and i met on move in day first year,,, he was screaming "if you break my shit ill fuck your mom" down the hall at atsumu as i coming around the corner with my cart of plants. we made eye contact and i said "my mom??" i immediately thought he was funny but he avoided me for like a week bc he was embarrassed. i had to keep making 'your mom' jokes until he cracked because he was being weird

pre 6: What was their "flirting stage" like?

looking back im like pretty solidly convinced the flirting stage started in like second year, but im just an idiot and didnt realize it until our situationship started a year later. lots of us staying up until 2am playing mario kart alone in the dorm lounge or in his room. lots of him texting me memes and tiktoks and taking random pictures of me and sending them to me when he'd see me on the quad but i didnt see him,,,, making faces at each other across classrooms,,, lots of his hands brushing thighs and elbows and me hugging him goodnight,,,, wow i was a stupid fuck back then lmao

general 8: Who takes the lead in social situations? How are they around each other's friends?

me. me me me. 100% me. we are both introverts but hes the WORSE introvert. people think hes a standoffish rude terrible fuck because he cant keep eye contact to save his life and is always on his phone in social situations. when he first met my friends i had to do major damage control but once they got to know him they realized hes just shy and now they make fun of him for it. "oh i'd ask suna but i dont think hes on this plane of existence rn" "suna i need your opinion and i need you to speak it in words please" ,, that kind of shit. his friends are the miyans and we were all in the same dorm for two years so there were no issues getting to know them lmao

general 9: Who gets jealous easier?

i was gonna say me but it's him. i get jealous SUUUUPER easily but more often it's like,, insecurity not jealousy lol. 90% of the time it's me being insane ab smth that isn't even happening and him being like "wow, youre being insane ab smth that isnt even happening!". but any time literally any guy he doesnt know tries to say smth to me, suna appears like a cryptid and stands there until the interaction is over. brother could be asking me for directions and a cold chill will pass over me as my bf emerges from the ether to linger behind me.

love 2: What are their primary love languages?

mine is words of affirmation and quality time without fail. i NEED this man to tell me he loves me because every four seconds im like "so you dont like me??" and he just sighs in exhaustion. and i feel like,,, even in the fwb stage,,,, if i went too long without seeing him i would get really insecure,,, but also HIS love languages are physical touch and quality time, so we never went more than like a DAY without seeing each other lmao. and hes a manhandler,,, brother just manhandles me when he gets clingy and im left to deal w it, he has no fucking clue how strong he is

love 10: What do they like best about each other?

i like how reliable he is. he is so steadfast and unwavering about basically everything, to the point where, if im feeling insecure, hes like "literally why would you ever think that? you already know how i feel, it has not changed once". it's a little frustrating bc hes stubborn, but also i feel like him being reliable as a fucking rock helps build my confidence to do things out of my comfort zone with him. and i think he likes that im fucking insane and overthink/overshare so open about my feelings!! hes really bad at expressing himself vocally, but hes gotten a LOT better at it in the years we've known each other and now hes basically perfect at just speaking his truth lmao. i think it's bc i talk so much ab my feelings that hes figured out how to do it too

domestic 2: If they get married, who proposes, and how do they do it? Would they change their surnames?

ohhh we're not married, but hes said out loud in extremely blunt terms that he'll be the one who proposes. i asked if he wanted me to propose and he said "HEEEEELLLLLL NO!!!!! I WANNA DO IT" so,,,, ig he's doing it ?? i dont think ill take his name though, he says he likes my name the way it is.

domestic 8: Who kills the bugs in the house?

him. he does. him. i would give the spiders the house if they asked for it.

[ponyartistbrainiac]

I had another absolutely whack ass dream

So I was really cold so I put my hoodie back on and rolled the covers around me and I guess at some point I dosed off

I was in some sort of after school something at a college with many many doors and it was raining hard

We where talking and ignoring the activities we where supposed to he doing (me and some heavy set girl I forget the name of) we where clearly pretty decent friends

I looked down into this massive lobby and there was water from the rain pouring in fast so I called my mom to come get me

When she got there the water was already deep enough in some parts for us to float in

I was invited to a birthday party and I guess that was my main goal after I got out of the lobby but I had to make it to the counter to check out which had two people behind it looking bored and unperturbed by the water

Not being able to swim I tried floating over to the counter on various things from cushions to doors but mom insisted a float so I tried that and I was able to get there but I was nervous the electronics in my bag where gonna get damaged

Miraculously they didnt and we where able to escape.

Then I woke up and dozed back off again deciding my actual real life was a dream while I sat at a desk in a math class

I struggled to follow what they where saying but nothing made sense to me

In frustration I asked if I could use the bathroom and the teacher said "oh sure!" And I left my bag in my chair because I knew the way like the back of my hand

When I started walking down the hallway I passed many different rooms just filled with teenagers usually goofing off like I passed an arcade and some sort of store and a computer lab where a bunch of people where surrounding one monitor

As i walked to the end i noticed the lobby was the same as before and once again it was filling up with water and i was unhappy because i was gonna get wet

Along the way i picked up a rather large toad that peed on me and this annoyed me greatly

So I put him on the stairs and went my marry little way

When I got to the water I was wading through it with ease and thought "ah this is easy" before I noticed a construction worker fighting a tool box in the water and watched him struggle to not drown and I was immediately terrified because it was much deeper then I thought

After attempting to wade through it and having the water come up to my head I tried floating across like before but ultimately I got spooked and decided I didnt need to pee that badly

But in my shock I realized I didnt bring my phone and my brain had suddenly forgot the way back to class

Now soaking wet and annoyed with myself I tried to go through many doorways and always ended up in whacker and whacker places usually classes that where slightly off or more rooms that seemed way more fun then what I was going back too

I tried to take the stairs but it was replaced with some sort of tube that needed two people to work and I wasn't about all that

I opened the door to the emergency staircase and I saw a bunch of kids smoking and standing around and a girl asked if I was ok

I explained what happened and how I lost my way back to class and didnt have my phone and she touched a gentle finger to my lips and said "it's ok we can ask Jeremy hes amazing with math he probably knows where it is" so I followed her through stairs and rooms and hallways until we ended up in a computer lap this time there was one student to each computer when we got to "jeremy" I noticed he was a tiny man with a cat tail and rabbit ears and I was scared of offending him but he was really cute. The other girl explained when he was going on and told me to hold out my hand and explain what room I was looking for

When I brought him up to my eyes I leaned in close and opened my mouth to explain then my eyes snapped open and I realized I was dreaming