#i didnt realise how bad i felt before i went GF and

[erzvolnes]

augh.. the glutening..

[my-castles-crumbling]

okay so hi..

um ive seen people do this so ig im going to as well.

basically i and my gf (she/her) have been in a relationship for nearly 6 months (6 in two weeks). we're both 19.

we met through my bsf and her bsf dating and now we are (i had the biggest crush on her but genuinely didnt think she'd give me a chance).

ive had pretty bad luck in relationships before and they never lasted more than 3 or 4 months mainly due to the fact that im asexual and btoh previous oartners just assumed they could change me (???) but she genuinely understood and went out of her way to make me comfortable and make it known that nothing will be demanded of me more than that which i can give.

from the beginning of the relationship, ive made some rules very clear which are like my no nonsense ones, like i wont tolerate them usually at all.

one of them being not making me purposefully uncomfortable and the main big one is not yelling/shouting, especially at me. (i have past trauma from my parents and it has in the oast made me shut down completely for days at a time, only getting up to feed my cat)

on one of our beginning dates i mentioned this really nice and sorta expensive restaurant that ive always wanted to try but reservations are really hard to get.

she joked saying that oh id love to go with hou ehicb i laughed at but was mildly excited about.

so i got the reservation for yesterday, i made the reservation for two.

last month i told my girlfriend that i have finally got the reservation and would like to go with her, told her the dates and time and everything and she seemed genuinely excited to go with me.

now last week i confirmed her availability again, and asked her what colored dress she was wearing so i could match it with my clothes and we decided on a color etc and also to get ready at my place because her bsf has their family over so shes will be staying with me for 2 weeks.

now, yesterday, after i was done with my work i went to the living room just to well see her and hug her cz i missed her a bit since i hadnt really seen her in about 5 hours (i was working). when i knocked at her door, she opened it and was ready with a dress (not the color we agreed on), her purse laying in the background as she greeted me with a big smile and kiss (on the cheek).

i asked her isnt she ready a bit early and she just looked at me confusedly and said no i hve to meet R (her friend) at 4:30 so im just on time.

i asked why and where she's going just to know if she'd be back and she said that theyre going to the mall and then to the movies because R is leaving in 3 days to go on vacation so they want to spend some time togetehr.

i smiled and wished her luck, i thiught that maybe i got the day wrong but i hadnt and i was actually really sad because all my life, everyone in my family would repeatedly just forget about my plans and my shit for others' and she knew abt that.

but anyways, so i decided to still go and i took this really lovely lady, who's homeless but i buy her a meal everyday and take her out to lunch once a week. (shes like in her 30s btw)

we had a lovely time and the food was divine, i even helped the lady get ready in a changing room.

but anyways on my way home i realised i had 3 missed calls from my girlfriend and a text that just said.

we need to talk as soon as you get home.

the moment j entered my apartment, she just started to yell at me about how much of a piece of shit i am, how people forget and its not a big deal, how im an arse, how not everything is supposed to be about me, and could i possibly imagine how she felt coming back to an empty apartment, she thought something had happened to me.

that is not the order she sais everything in but someway through my breathing started to get extraordinarily fast and i coukd feel my vision getting blurry.

i said sorry to her, or i think(?) i cant really remember stuff when i get panic attacks like this. i took my cat and went to my room.

it took quite a while for my cat to calm me down bur she was able to in the end.

this morning, i made breakfast for her and since i have today off from uni i decided to go to my job (i work part-time remote but can come and go to the iffice if i wish)

its my break rn and im thinking about it, maybe it wasnt a big deal? maybe i should have reminded her again but like idk it was a pretty big thing for me.

i feel bad, i feel like i made a mountain out if a molehill and shouldve just apologised properly and explained to her that its okay and that it wasnt that big of a deal.

i dont knwo?

i wanted some advice because i truly feel very strongly for her and shes the only relationship ive had in which i feel valued and had zero self doubt (up until yesterday)

im sorry it was so long, and thank you for your help.

Hi!!

Okay so...this is hard because, I don't know if either of you are to blame, here. Your girlfriend wasn't great for forgetting, but then I was wondering why you didn't say anything? But then she was shit for yelling later....

I'm wondering if this is the first time this has happened? It sounds like a lack of communication, you know? I think you guys really need to sit down and discuss how you were both feeling. But if this becomes a pattern, especially your girlfriend yelling, I would think more about the relationship.

Keep me updated! I'm naming you orange anon.

[miraeluc]

you have an eating disorder

prompt: “you never had issues with food - that is until your boyfriend makes a remark about your weight.”

pairing: katsuki bakugo x female! reader

word count: 1.6k

warnings: MAJOR TW!! anorexia, there’s swearing

genre: fluff, angst 

NOTE: this is not proofread at all and it’s kinda short, i was struggling to finish it a lot, sorry :(

you were never one to pay special attention to your diet or anything

life is short, why spend it worrying about how your body looks?

food is food man, and you need it to live 

there was no fun in dieting either, it’s not like you were ever fat anyway - with daily training you were in shape!

sure there were thinner girls, but like i mentioned, you just liked enjoying food without having to worry about losing weight all the time 

your boyfriend, bakugo, just does not know how to express himself 

he’s not the type to really pay any mind to your figure, he finds you pretty anyway 

and its a plus anyway - whenever he feels full he can just push his plate towards you and you’ll gladly finish it for him 

that is until one day

you were sitting with the baku squad at lunch

mina was telling you about a new tiktok trend she had stumbled upon and found hilarious 

denki was currently fighting for his life against bakugo after saying his hair looked like he was just hit by an electricity quirk before he proceeded to zap him lightly 

kirishima was regretting all of his life decisions when he decided to try and help denki 

sero was just sat there,, recording it so he could show them just how stupid they looked afterwards

kirishima finally managed to pull said angry-boy away from kaminari 

you always said he’s like a little angry pomeranian when angry lol 

back to the plot omg i got carried away

after bakugo was calm enough to take his initial seat beside you, he was already too full and just overall not hungry

so he pushed his plate towards you 

“eat up, fatass.” he grumbled out

you just looked up at him with wide doe-eyes, not expecting an insult to slip off his tongue

it was bakugo, what’d you expect lmao 

you looked down at the plate, suddenly feeling very not hungry anymore, instead pushing the plate away as you grabbed your bag to stand up

“actually, i’ll head up to my room, i feel a bit sick”

you immediately left after that, not seeing the confused glances the table exchanged, mina smacking bakugo’s head

you went to your room and laid down, not knowing why bakugo’s comment had made you feel upset

you never get upset when he makes dumb remarks!!

so why now!!

oh 

you realised it when you were stood in front of the mirror, shirt lifted, staring at your own body

you did gain some weight.

you were upset at yourself because you usually didn’t mind!!

you know weight fluctuates, you know the small amount of chub you have will eventually pack it’s little bags and leave again 

but it hurt because you wanted to be pretty for your boyfriend.

how could you be when he says you’re a fatass?

eventually, you ended up scrolling through your phone, looking at thin girls all day

you also looked up a few diets that worked very fast 

by the time bakugo was aggressively knocking at your door you had closed all of the pages you were previously looking at 

as soon as you swung the door open he strutted in, seating himself on your bed

“what was with you running off at lunch today?” he looked at you 

you were still stood at your door like.... mm ok i guess make yourself at home 

“huh? i told you, i felt a little sick.” you mumbled, closing the door again, it was getting late and you were not looking to be beheaded by aizawa

he scoffed “if you say so.” he laid down, kicking your blanket to the side

“i brought you some snacks - incase you got hungry..” he said, his face looking like >:( 

he didn’t get them because he knew you liked them and wanted to make you happy! not at all!!

he just didn’t want to put up with you being whiny

that’s for sure the reason 

you giggled, throwing yourself ontop of him - sounds of protest coming from him but he did wrap his arms around you 

“since when are you so nice, katsuki?!” you teased

lol wrong move 

in 0.01 seconds you were flipped over and held down as he started tickling you 

“i’m not nice!”

the next morning you left extra early to avoid getting breakfast with bakugo

he didn’t seem to be bothered by it, he also has days where he just doesn’t feel like eating early in the morning so 

it does start to bother him when that one day of skipping breakfast turned into every day

his google search bar is like 

‘why does my gf not eat’

‘do girls not eat breakfast’

but this bitch is also too scared to approach you at first because he doesnt want you to know he truly cares 

his ego is still too high for that 

but you know better

you know he cares but sometimes you don’t feel good enough for him

you can’t help but compare yourself to other girls at your school

you distance yourself unknowingly, lost in the counting calories and exercising every day

everyone but you notices that you’re literally spiraling 

you don’t notice that you look sick, skin paling and cheekbones getting more prominent every passing day 

you don’t notice the growing eyebags under your eyes 

all you notice is other pretty girls and how you want to look like them.

at first, your friends decide to give you some space, thinking that maybe you have to fix this within yourself and need space

and you do, but someone needs to snap you out of your little bubble 

that someone is bakugo 

so it goes like this 

during training, he noticed your legs being a little more wobbly than usual 

and he noticed that you were unfocused, not being able to dodge all of the enemies attacks 

but something inside of him snaps when aizawa has to stop the fight because you were not even fighting back anymore

before aizawa even arrived in front of you, your world went black and you collapsed

bakugo was so angry at your training enemy 

didn’t they fucking see your struggle?? 

did they really have to be stopped by their teacher??

would they even have stopped if it werent for aizawa?? 

probably not

but he didnt have time to go and yell at them because he was running towards you 

aizawa let him pick you up

“bring her to recovery girl.”

of course he did 

everyone watching was so shocked 

because bakugo didn’t let out a sound the entire time 

his face was pulled into a frown, as usual, but he wasn’t speaking- no, yelling

he showed past his classmates, walking towards recovery girl’s office

“ribbit, why was he so quiet?”

recovery girl was like ?!?!?! what the fuck happened when was the last time she ate

she had to give you a total parenteral nutrition

(that means nutrition/fluids are delivered into your body via a catheter placed in a vein of your body, usually lower arm)

when you woke up bakugo was sat next to the bed, reading the back of some medicine bottle he found there

when he noticed you awake he perked up a little, shoulders visibly relaxing

“what happened?” 

he narrowed his eyes, wondering for a second if you were serious 

“you’re starving yourself to near death, that’s what happened.”

you immediately grimaced

“did i pass out in front of everyone?”

“is that seriously what you’re worried about?!”

you remained quiet, looking away

“y/n, look at me.” he gently guided your head to face him

“i don’t know what drove you to do this to yourself, but i need you to stop. you’re going to die if you don’t stop. what idiot made you think you need to do this to yourself?! i’ll kill them!”

..

“you told me i was a fatass”

his jaw dropped

fuck

“you know i don’t mean when i insult you! i hide the fucking fact that i WANT you to eat by using insults! i’m so sorry..”

his voice went soft at the end

he truly felt so bad :(

he was the one that was supposed to protect you from others hurting you yet here he was, being the one that caused you to hink you weren’t worthy enough

“i know, but there’s so many much more prettier girls than me, i was afraid you’d lose feelings if i wasn’t thin enough.”

“are you kidding?! you’re the only one i have eyes for! all those other extra’s can fuck off, i don’t give a single shit about them!”

you were kinda tearing up

“do you promise?”

god, he felt so bad.

he sat on the edge of the bed, reluctantly pulling you in a hug 

“i promise”

from that day on he made sure to remind you to eat meals, even if it was just something small

he ripped everyone’s heads off if they made a comment about your eating habits and/or weight

and he made sure you were the only one he loved

the day he saw you collapse something broke inside of him

it opened his eyes that hiding his emotions from you wouldn’t help you in your relationship

so while he supported you to build your feelings of self-worth and eating habits, you helped him start to open up, teaching him that showing emotions wasn’t embarassing

no one else knew how soft he could get with you and it should stay that way

you had a long way to go but it was all worth it in the end

he was your little angry pomeranian <33

requests: open

read rules before requesting.

[matronaa]

Jungkook “fuckboy?” drabble

Pairing: Jungkook x Reader

Word count: 1,637

Genre: Fluff/mentions of smut?

Okay look its about 1 in the morning while im writing this and i just got done literally scrolling thru @jungshookz  e n t i r e page and honestly ive been delusionally laughing over her stories for like an hour and a half like the tattooartist!jungkook fic legit killed me i love it  and i’m probably going to force my friend to check her out because legit i love it so much and she seems like such a funny person and if she sees this 1) ily and ur writing and i wanna be friends but idk how to start a conversation because im a awKwARd bEan and 2) im sorry for probably spamming ur notifications with likes okay i couldnt help it so now im inspired for the first time in a while to write but im way to loopy to put together an actual fic so enjoy this ig

Okay i should stop rambling (okay just note that im so sleep deprived that i had to google ‘words for excessive talking’ to remember the word rambling because im an idiot and i cant think and ooo its 1:11 am rn make a wish b*tches)

Okay im sorry ill begin~

A/n all of this is completely unedited and if bad grammar annoys you srry not srry

Lets talk about what fuckboy!jungkook is oki

I feel like in reality there are just a bunch of rumors about him but hes so smol and hes the quiet type so he doesnt have the energy to dismiss them

Like im sorry soft jungkook is way to good in my mind rn okay #cuddles4days im not in the mood for him to strangle me with his amazing biceps

Anyway

you never rlly met him in the 4 years of going to the same highschool as him (since you’re in those smart people classes like humanities) until senior year

You and him had the same AP Lit. class lmao english class is  l i t

Which surprised you bc of the rumors like i thought he was a badboy ?? arent those normally idiots ??

Nah my bby is a smart nugget, he just likes to look hella bf 25/8

First day of school cliche where you show up late to class and have to sit next to him because i  d i e  for those plots okay

But you dont know thats him because you’ve never seen him, so you’re confused on why most of the girls keep glaring at you

But soon enough you catch on and you’re like fml

And then the professor is like “where you are sitting is your assigned seating for the rest of the year” and you’re like f m L

He ends up introducing himself to you because i mean like table buddies

But hes really nervous because hes a cute little bean and you’re hella cute cuz lets be honest ur probably wearing like basic black leggings and a hoodie with your hood over your head to hide the bed hair you didnt feel like brushing that morning

Oh, just me? Okay…

He likes ur name because it rolls off the tongue and he thinks it suits you even tho he doesnt know you

Yet ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

You dont really think hes a fuckboy because he seems so nice and he has the cutest lil bunny smile sEE

That is until after school u end up getting to ur locker late because u left something in one of your classes

And u see him pinning a girl against the lockers down the hall

And ur like well shit nvm

And u quickly get ur shit and go because das  a w k w a r d

But then he sees u run off and hes like awh crap i dun fucked up

A few weeks go by and u notice he barely really comes to class so u usually sit alone

On days he does come his chair seems extra close to yours and he’s basically smothering you

But u dont mind because he smells nice

And on the days he does come you get kinda excited because

1) you get a partner who doesnt expect you to do all of the work

2) this boy cute when he gets all intelligent

Ur  like “yes pls continue speaking about the essay we are writing that i have no idea is on because i kept getting lost in the sound of ur voice”

He notices when u zone out because you start staring at his lips when hes talking and he thinks its the cutest thing

One day u get assigned a week long project and ur close enough friends with jungkook to basically scold and force him to come to class all week

But only if he can force u to come to his house to work on it after school

Which you’re low key nervous of because ur going to a ‘fuckboy’s house’ by yourself

And u dont wanna do the dirty because ur a pure child haha not for long

But you agree anyway

And honestly even after the project is done (which you got an A on) you continue going over to his house because his bed is comfortable and he always has snacks

And his mom loves you

Like legit on days you dont go the next day you do she’s like “wheRE WERE YOU”

When the semester is over the professor lets you pick seats but you both enjoy each other’s company so you stay seated together.

finally ur at his house one day and ur just laying on his bed scrolling thru insta and he’s sitting on his bean bag in the corner on his phone and u look up at him and realise

Shit

You like him

Like a lot

And u mentally face palm because this was not supposed to happen

But it happened and you’re too far down the hole to climb out

Sometimes u end up napping at his house after school because his bed is more comfortable than yours and one friday night u wake up in his arms

And its like the best feeling ever

Its so warm and hes so cuddly hes like latched onto you

You stay under the warm blankets before you question when he even got in bed since he was playing video games before you fell asleep

And then his phone lights up and ofc you check it for him bc ur a nosey bitch

But not before you observed how adorable he was while he was sleeping

Nope not creepy at all

its his friend tae texting him (you didn’t really know his friends since you had different friend groups)

You check it and its smth like “stop staring at y/n while shes sleeping and reply u creep”

And you’re like w a t

So you scroll up and see that while u were sleeping jungkook went on a full rant on how cute u are and how whipped he is

And ur like holy fadoodles dis boy likes me

And so u decided to text tae like “this is y/n, does he actually like me”

Which turns into you both having a convo on how thirsty jungkook is until he wakes up

Hes like wtf r u doing and he snatches the phone and reads through your messages with tae while u like sit up to stare at him

And he’s still half asleep so it takes him to realise whats going on

“Omfg y/n i can explain-”

He starts rambling about how long he had been crushing on u and that he didn’t want to tell you because you seemed uninterested so he kept it a secret and never told anyone

And honestly he was freaking out because the onE tiMe he tells anyone that he likes you, you find out

But while he’s rambling you’re coming up with an excuse to text your mom that you’re spending the night at his house, so you just say he’s not feeling well and his parents are gone for the weekend.

Lmao she doesnt care she’s just like “lmao ik ur lying but have fun dont get pregnant”

Or Maybe thats just my mom idk

You have to shut him up by snatching his phone out of his hands and kissing him

When you pull away you’re just like “you talk too much lmao”

You explain to him that you like him too and u just get under the covers again and snuggle up next to him, and he wraps his arms around you

And you stay like that for a while before hes like “its late you should get home”

And you tell him you’re staying the night whether he likes it or not

And he is so down for that

But then you end up just spending the weekend there because why not his parents love you

And every night is just filled with cuddling, watching netflix, making out, late night snacks, etc.

Saturday night he gets a lil touchy and soon enough ur like straddling him and grinding your hips against his

But then he’s like “Ive never done this before” and you c o m b u s t

Ur like aren’t you like the school fuckboy how have you not done this

And he tells you its all just rumors and hes too lazy to set the record straight

And you basically decide to take things slow that night since it was you’re first time too and honestly it was so cute

It wasn’t really steamy rough sex it was more soft fluffy love making that is filled with giggling and exploring and appreciating each other

That was definitely the night you fell in love with him

Which is big because you thought love was gross

The next day you’re cuddling and he’s like “you know ur my gf now”

And ur like duh

You start going on cute dates after that like going to cafes or amusement parks

He loved taking you to the beach during the summer because u looked gr8 in a bikini

You found out you were going to the same college with was fantastic, so you decided to rent an apartment together nearby the campus instead of living in a dorm.

Which normally you’d be against because moving in together so quickly ?? but you felt different like this relationship was going to last

UNTIL HE CHEATED

Lmao jk gotcha bitch

My baby is too pure and innocent to cheat

Well innocent until you both get into bed and then oh lord it gets steamy

He wants to experiment with like e v e r y t h i n g and honestly you were down

But ofc you set some boundaries.

There were lines he couldn’t cross

I mean sometimes he tried but you shut that down real quick

Overall your relationship was perfect and you couldn’t ask for a better boyfriend

I mean he brought you pizza rolls and dr pepper to ‘study dates’ how could you not love him.

Oml it took me over an hour to write this its like 2:30 am why am i awake anyway imma go to bed now, idk ur name jungshookz but pls write more fanfics i need more to read late at night okay gnite

[fightingdemonslikeflys]

Hello world, guess what ? Today is one of that fucked up days on which u realise you reached nothing and life puts your head in the dirt as hard as possible.

A few years back, everything began turning to darkness. I was 18 years old when i met the love of my life, and trust me she is the one. In our first year we had many differences because of my family and the way they raised me, it became clear fastly that i was raised in a fucked up way, dont really know how to descripe it best.

It all ended in a breakup 1 day before christmas, and yeah i know i‘m an asshole for that i still am ashamed of it…

But thats the point when i realized what my parents and family taught me and made me. They made me follow their ways, not my own. They didnt even gave me a chance to find my own way of life, bloody fckin��� hell.

5 months and a lot of cigarettes, alcohol and prentending to feel alright, i got my baby back on my side. This time, better. I stood up for her in front of my whole family. It made things better. Well at least i thaught so.

In July, when baby finally got her driving license, we had a fight which ended in both of use driving away in our cars. When we saw each other driving, well, our heads went numb and we had a crash. Wasnt that bad at all, i was allright and she was almost fine, bit of headache but nothing to serious. But, our cars were garbage. Not worse at all, typical beginner cars. Damage was about 5k€. After we were safe, i made the baddest call of my life. I callled my parents after an accident 🤷🏻‍♂️😂 fuckin hell why am i laughing

My dad was drunk and mom maybe little bit. When they arrived, my dad thought to himself :“wohoo my son just had a car crash and i dont know if he is hurt or not lets fckin punch him in the face and then attack his girlfriend“

I NEVER thought that could happen. Luckily a friend of mine was there to help, because i was fckin shocked. And my mom, well everything she was doing was playing the victim in all of this bullshit. So well there i was. My car that i loved so much was destroyed, gf had strong headache bc the crash, myself shaking, organizing the transport of the broken cars and at the same time caring about my parents because they behave like children. Even the guy from ADAC (yes i‘m german) was shocked by there behavior and wanted to call the police lol.

Soon my parents got back to their car and left. They really fckin left me there. In the fckin dirt, still medically not checked, organizing the whole thing. I never feeled so left alone before. And i didnt even knew that behavior by them. If i said it felt like i was hit by a truck, that wouldnt be true because that shit was worse. When the cars where brought away we went to the hospital, i was fine and my baby had a small concussion, not serious at all.

After that my mother in law bought us some breakfast, because the night was over and we didnt eat anything for hours (btw the crash was shortly after sunset) because my bitchass parents made up so much fckin drama of everything that i took ages to get away from there

While eating, i started to feel that numbness in my body. It slowly filled everything in me. And thats where the darkness began. Thats where my PTSD is from.

[imalways-yours]

how did u know u wanted her to be ur gf? how did u know when u wanted to marry her?

i think it was a couple little things like how i noticed that sending her good morning messages were just part of my day and how everything with her felt so natural and comfortable and im still not completely comfortable around my best friends and i’ve known one of them since i were 4 and the other one went through the hell that is secondary school with me and then moved into my house for a while. When my mental health is bad i used to take myself off all social media, just delete my accounts for a few days to regroup and one day my headspace wasnt great and i didnt want to delete my social media because i didnt want to stop talking to her. I remember the day she told me how she felt that before she did i’d gone shopping with my sisters and i’d run out of data and all i wanted to do was go back to the house so i could keep talking to her and all we’d been doing was talking about the Thanksgiving parade and realising in the middle of the store that i really really had it bad for her and that i should probably tell her how i felt.  And there wasn’t one moment when i realised i wanted to marry her, i think there were subtle things like my plans beginning to change and that i wanted to be with her, i’ve never wanted to be with anyone before, or started making plans with people before but all i want to do is be with her and keep making plans with her. Also at work one guy assumed i was married and asked about my wife and it just felt so right and normal to for her to be thought of as my wife. 

[chaoticsissy-blog]

Perfect metal collar and the pink chastity lock

So well its been almost 2 weeks now since i have locked my girlfriend in a metal collar. It was expensive but totall worth every dollar of it. It fits her neck perfectly, shiny and minimalistic. The day i locked her, she was scared but excited. But i told her keep it on i love it. It took her awhile to get used to it but at that moment, she was fabulous, the collar look so beautiful on her.

The day went by and sunday arrived. Ohh did i mention im in a pink chastity and pink butt plug? Hahahha yup i am, she bought it for me and locked me in it since "locktober". Feeling so horny and excited at the same time. I kept her in the same butt plug too for the night and made her wear my fav pink ball mittens. Its such a simple bdsm equipment but makes the wearer so fustrated and hot. She licked my dick this morning to wake me up from my dream, my dick was begging for a realise and im horny as fuck! Someone save me! I asked if i could get unlock and she said no. I kept her collar, butt plug and mittens on while i went to make breakfast. My chastity with a bell, ring as i walked around the kitchen. It turned her on. I make scrambled eggs and french toast. Yup you guessed it i didnt unlock anything on her. I added a padlock to get those two hand to the back and fed her.

She went back to the room after she was done and i joined her after im done with the dishes, hearing my bells approaching she sat om the bed in a sexy manner. I tied her hands onto the bed frame and wore a sensory deprivation hood on her and yes its pink. She moaned and groaned as i locked all 3 straps on her. It was so tight that her veins were popping out. She begged, i wore my straped on, yes pink. And started teasing her so bad that she wanted me to anal her. I refused. I wore anklets on both of her legs which has bells and watched her squirm and spasm and the anklets just kept ringing. I loved it. I fucked her with my strapon till she couldnt breathe and made her body numb to the touch. I kept the strap on inside her pussy and wore it over her pelvis.

I left her on the bed locked and alone, soon she fell sleep with the hood on and all the other things i put on her. I went out and played my playstation till 5pm and did some chores. I felt so horny, i want to cum but i cant. My dildo is betting so tight and putting pressure on my prostate every sec as im writing.

I heard bells again later and there she was finding her way to the living room and moaning towards me, i held her and she hugged me with her head on my chest, with a muffled voice " im hungry". I knew i could leave my baby hungry. I washed her up, unlocking her hood and taking out her plug to give it a wash before i put it back on again, i did the same for mine. I bathed her while her mittened hands are up and we kissed under the shower.

I dried her up and wore fresh clothes for her. She wanted to wear my sweatshirt so i allowed it. I guess because my sweatshirt covers half of the wearer's neck. She knew i wont take it off and took the initiative to not ask me at all. I love her! I kept her mittens and anklet on and off we go. Ohh i made her wear a pink fbt shorts. And her dildo can be seen when she bent down. It was almost 7pm and we went out to get food, she held my arm and hid her mittens.

I teased her while we are out purposely leaving her alone and making her run to find me, she didnt want to eat out so we had a takeaway, we shopped for some groceries before we went home. I lifted her collar up and put it over the sweatshirt so its visible. She was shy and wanted me to keep it inside and i refused. We walked home with some eyes staring at her. She was embarrassed but excited at the same time. When we got home she rested awhile and had dinner.

It was soon bedtime, before we slept i told her how beaitiful she was today and how brave she was. She begged me to unlock her mittens because she hasnt feel herself for a day. I refused and put her to bed.

Monday came and well the blues.. arghhh i hated it. I woke her up and unlocked her mittens before she went to take a shower.

Since the beginning of october till today, she is still locked in the collar, she wore to work everyday together with her plug and anklets. She told her work friends the collar was an accessory, a choker. God that made me laugh. I had been humiliating her outside when we had the chance. Locking her in her mittens and bringing her out for walks.

Im waiting for the inflatable plug which im planning to put it into her pussy and inflate it. Im also planning to get a pink ballgag and pink ballet boots for her. Everything was going well, she got used to the collar and plug as well as the anklets, so i threw the key somewhere inside the storage room, it will be a hassle to find it. I means thats the point right? I really loved the collar that fits just nice on her neck

Alright i shall stop here and hit the sacks now, she is waiting for me

Stay tuned for more diary of my and my gf. Im secretly hoping to be turned into a sissy by my gf.

Goodnight sissies

[fertile-delirium-blog]

You know, everything I ever worked towards, care about, love or have been lucky to come across or been given an opportunity to, I’ve always gotten to a point where I fuck everything up realise where I went wrong or what I keep getting told I do or am and honestly everyone I ever believed enough to let in and be a bit of the real me or all of the real me, since I was little, I been trying to run from this sadness that I later found out is developed or called depression that I realise, I’ve never understood it, I never thought id have mental illness and I ran, I denied for so long.. people telling me I need help, I had a system that worked, a system that never allowed me to be verbally honest with anyone enough to actually get to know me , without the fear and what ifs that I now know is anxiety, funny I never really, really knew what it was but turns out the two together destroy my life, ever since high school, ive wanted to continually improve myself no matter what anyone said and the same time I maintained an image where I made myself make everyone view me the opposite of what I felt I was, when im angry, im actually upset, I made myself seem like I was okay enough n making it on my own so people wouldn’t view me as weak or a being who needed sympathy or attention or some street kid goimg nowhere when really, for too long all I wanted was to find where I belong n do what in my heart I felt n feel like will come back, be music that expresses things I can’t say or feels weird coming out of this mouth that isnt mine, dont feel right. Communication.. something ive never had real, experience with.. was mainly mute other than my outward image for my protection and other peoples shit for so many years before I met her, she made me want to talk, opened up n be the me I feel I am on the inside, but, how easy did I really think it was gonna be? …a lot easier than it was/is.. I’ve always been a lone wolf.. why did I think I could have a family life like that when… I convinced myself with this act I was over shit I wasn’t, that was my fuck up this is all before I fell in love and its funny… it’s a boy cries wolf story, she loved me.. I loved her but something in me didn’t let me properly love her the way I should’ve but if I knew then what I know, my god things would be different and this is what I was afraid of.. completely giving in to her that… I wouldn’t care about myself as much just wanted to make her n kids happy, that’s what made me happy that’s the reason for my being as the opportunity to do so after terrible things n times had us far away for a long time and realised that they the family I chose to have n m sorry I let you all down I’m sorry my bpd, bipolar depressive states is what im trying to focus on to gwt better, since I actually believed everyone but 18 years of unsaid, undealt with and put away in the black box f nothing, isn’t easy to unfold , realise grow, accept, change, love, heal myself and be what was wanted or needed to best of my ability, truth is with her, this focus on making my life a certain way disappeared, never thought it would happen.. i want to do n cater n help n just be n do or try to what it s she wanted if me, I tried I fucked up in the beginning, but still pay to this day.. sigh the balance of who I on the inside is out of whack n has changed.. I don’t think anyone ever did I thought I showed n expressed enough to understand, I guess, if im too sick to love I shouldn’t get on the way of where she wants to go n do, its a shame really, right girl wrong time, don’t care if we were meant to be or not the universe chose you that I loved that much I wanted to make a life, thins I did out of spite, jealousy, anger, major depressive states too much drugs or too long on drugs wasn’t really me, the me I thought you knew n loved was that you made me happy, only person to do that that’s not my siblings.. then there are your beautiful kids I’ve let down too many times.. idk what made me think I deserved you 3.. maybe the fact that I was hoping we all changed n we were happy, we were, that’s not fantasy, we had some great, great times ill never let go of wanted my career I chased for since I was a kid n ended up getting n wanted to have the normal family as well but I chose them in the end n always will but I gotta keep away for her, for them.. every time I get into this stupid certain major depressive state.. I do things to make it harder on myself but you know what the problem is.. the real me is hidden in a cube within and I can see everything.. and that’s not the real me. That’s something dark attached to me that wants to keep me hidden away.. so how do I defeat this other person I’m watching from the inside take over a beautiful physical being I don’t feel is mine and causing such pain for both her, I and my ex gf and her kids and tearing everything that’s mine (the inside) and hers(outside) causing such hate n was for each other n causes such distress for those who actually love me.. I would like you, any of you to hold my hand throughout me getting better.. but I also know I’ve had my times with help n no help n I run away.. I know how hard it is for anyone to love me.. or be there for me I want all to be happy n move on with their lives get And do things the deserve.. I don’t wanna hold anyone back jus because they care.. I’ve been alone since I was little.. may as well stay alone to the end.. cant bear to love.. there’s only her I will never have kids, it’ll always be them, don’t want to cause pain because I’m hard to love because I’m sad with myself n wanna make you happy same time.. god how did I get here.. I got nothing n no one.. at all n all I had before her was a dream I made into reality then set bar higher only to fall that fucking hard to be half the reason I hate myself and before that tried to be an accepted part of my family n moved on to my dream knowing my family will never know.. what ive felt, how low I sank at the age of 8, understand or acce ppl t me enough.. the most truth I can give them is that I want to die cos im not good enough for this world.. items are not feelings, being raped and beaten for 5 yrs of my childhood n being too scared to tell anyone due to death threats then once it comes into the open is apologetic and sad for then my mum gets angry at me cos she cant accept it sober,.. I do blame him.. but I also know that its my fault ive let him win and affect me as a person n how I grow for so long and being told o can do something bout it going to yoir mum n her telling me its no use they wont find anything too late to be then told 5 yrs later that, I can still do something about it.. and I havent.. all these little bits and pieces make sense from the moment of my mums impregnation to now that maybe, just maybe I was never supposed to have been born.. I don’t belong on this world, I was an unwanted mistake that had no friends got bullied, raped, beaten as a child to getting away from that man that is your brothers dad also and my brother ended up being my best friend mid teens to not even know what a friend is other than knowing not to let anyone know the bad I been through and alone.. always have been alone no one sees the me that stands behind this beautiful, sad but always fake smiling so i don’t seem so broken shell of mine.. no one can hear me but the people in my head and none of them want to let me out.. guess I don’t deserve anything else but being alone trying to fight people I can only hear.. if I used to see any of them..when I did see silhouetted bodies before I had too many drugs and certain.. things went away.. im sorry I blocked you out.. oh silhouetted bodies I miss you.. as scary as it would be sometimes.. you always helped me be strong enough for the next step, if it is you that torments me today.. why? And if it isn’t.. is it just mental illness?. Or is it so much more than that..

Was I killed or kill myself too early in past life I went straight through to this one??.. from the moment I was born I was not meant to exist.. im sorry to the people who love and care for me… none of you will see me again.. ill save you all the energy, the stress and the pain I’ve previously caused due to my own mind and my feelings but know if you could hear me.. not this voice of mine verbally.. but if you or i could translate it or if you could hear my inside voice I promise that all would be understandable.. no confusion, no bullshit, no actions I didnt make but she or they did.. they just want to break me.. all but one laugh at me, mock me, talk to me and then to her on the outside as a fucking game or to make us continually clash and that ruins me, my ex gf, and well because of all that I distanced from kids when asked.. and have gotten so far it breaks my god damn heart.. gonna be like my brother, like my sister.. cant be apart of their life, cant watch them grow but silently love all 3 of them silently from afar.. I don’t want anyone to love me and I don’t want to love anymore than I already do as long these people and depression n whatever else they say I got continues to win this fight.. hopefully at the moment.. they make m e want to die. For silence, no more memories, feelings and they make it known that this is not my body.. I a excluded from all beings.. even the one I reside in.. no support. Don’t want friends, don’t want family.. I just wish I could’ve gotten better for the ones I love and who love me.. im sorry .. I dont want a life anymore. I really realize .. I was not meant to.. I hope that everyone I love will hate me, already does,or will and can forget me.. I did have some real, real hapy good times with you mum, lola, jaiden, mia, rachele, LJh and TRh.. sorry Ive said and done some fucked up things and I hope if you do remember or think of me it wont always be bad because I had and was a genuine happy and fun girl at times. Especially with you guys. And im sorry if you guys dont know which ones are real and fake..im sorry .. I wanna get better but realising I was never meant to be here,n if I was it was to be alone n silent I was right tho.. im not here to have a life for me or make one for myself nd hurt people in process. I love in times of darkness and undenying voices… I dont need your care.. I dont want you to feel sorry I just hope when you think back on me maybe.. youll see the peaks of the inside me get let put due to the help from my outside n i ts something we don’t n wont talk bout..I wont make anyone put up with me just because they are or I am loved. Not anymore.. I love you all.. hope everyone gets what the want and deserve. And to the parents of whos kids I love as my own then just fucking distanced due to how I am not thinking boit if or how itd affect them.. im sorry fo all the wrong ive done by them but know how happy and grateful I am for you guys bringing them into this world.. we all know im shit at doing what im supposed to and moat times I was shit to them.. I dlnt k know if i t was noticeable but I did try.. but thank you for letting be apart of that and being “snips”.. and giving me a chance to love them and treat them like my own I wish I did better with all of you, their family, my family im sorry whatever this thing is im just sorry I ruined some good things and hurt people I love n who love me.. never again.

I love you all.. I feel like I didnt get to say it all.. but, o can’t keep crying.. I been typing for 2 hrs… I will be making another account and this will be my lalst post as mariah elrington. To the world and the people I love… im sorry. I hope ypu forgive me and see the good person I always tried to be I will love yo and appreciate you all forever.. im sorry that since I came to world I was doomed to be nothing but a problem but I swear.. I swear on everything… I always try to be better but fall harder.. doing this on my own and voices, my thoughts and the opinion of those who love me see the opposite to what im doing or how I am.. its really hard.. ive never done it this mentally tough before.. well on drugs trippin on non real stuff but this.. this is real life and for once, I dont have anyone to talk to even on a vague level.. not even a pen and paper.. this, this is all so o guess thank you tumblr idk how worst id be without you ..I love you all… this is the fkn truth.. I never meant for it any of it to be als bad as they are between my two families I love. I hope you can get it right, now without me, the problem, the burden,.the dralin and be happy I meam that from thr deep.side of my heart, I really hope I haven’t fucked it enough you wont recover.. but I may be a bit over my head.. they won’t care.. I mean they will for a short time,, but will be happy not long after no Im not saying im gonna kill myself, we all know I can’t. But none of you will see or hear from me again.. because I love you. And I love you alll im deeply sorry I couldn’t express or show it enough for that you guys to believe that a whole lot or know the extent of how much with how ive been but ti my blood family and made family… I love you all so much its because of you gus im doing this for you other wise ill never leave y'all alone cos I need y'all but can’t and won’t hurt anyone but myself anymore.. almost 3 hrs writing.. I still got more to say but gonna leave it there.. god damn it,I love you and I do hope my whole family have a good life n im sorry I ruined the parts of it that I did but be worry free I dont want anyone trying to reach out to me after this. Wil be ignored or unseen..

I love my families and im sorry I couldn’t get it right to be good enough well enough to not negatively affect you.

Have a great life, drink, party, love do the things you want and think o f me as okay if it helps just please,if you love me dont ever get worried.. dont ever assume anything just be be fucking happy, experience, travel, grow Chase dreams.. trust, they are possible no matter situation, lonliness or head space,long as you believe youre gonna.make i t real and do what you gptta to make it gappen, if some like me not even suppose to be alive can do it, you strong, smart beautiful family of mine I believe in you.. to all of you every age. and each everyone of you deserve it. The good fun or happy life with its obvious small obstacles that isn’t as stressful or hard t fix asits been as of late..

I am sorry. I love nd appreciate you all. And you will all always be in my mind And my hearts im sorry im too mental im sorry for all ive done.

I love you all.

Goodbye forever.. all 7 of you ill love always. Pls keep the good bout me in your hearts if you can’t forget. I miss you all like crazy wish I could see you all again to give a goodbye hug.. but a visioned one is gonna have to do. Know that’s the last thing youd recieve from me if that were the case.

Goodbye my precious family I loved dearly but took for granted and couldnt get better.. im sorry I put you all through so much. I really am I wish all of you could see how much love I got for each and everyone of you cos I know I didnt do that good of a job to make sure it was known but I hope it is not.. love you please be happy for me too, if its worth anything to any of you, cos idk how long it'll take to feel it again.

Goodbye fams.

-Mariah Elrington

[northernlight217]

There’s a story I want to get off my chest.

there was this girl, E, who did very bad things to me. there was also my friend G who could have stopped it, and I still don’t know why as this was the first time E stayed over my house but G insisted we share a bed. I thought at the time G wasnt feeling well and wanted to be in another room where there wasnt talking, but looking back I dont think she felt much more than hostility towards me even though we were meant to be friends.

That night E pressured me into doing things with her that I didnt want to do, I thought at the time I did because she... played me. a couple weeks later when i fully realised what happened, my mum found me showering with no cold water and clothes on. all i could say was “burn the sheets”.

several months later, it’s still blurry how but I ended up in contact with E again. that was stupid. she played me so well i dont understand.

the thing you need to know about manipulation is, you’re never aware of it. as soon as you are, the spell is broken. but it’s incredibly hard because when the topic is brought up, you’ll deny it, and refuse to think about it.

3 I ended up at her house with her doing what she wanted. my current gf J helped me out of it. it was so scary I just, I barely remember anything of it. I remember telling her i didnt have my medication with me on the way to her house and she didn’t care. the next time she tried things she heavily denied it, and said she didn’t know and she rushed me home to get my meds. I was at her house for 5 days without meds and she knew the entire time. That’s when I started to wake up.

the reason i say it happened multiple times was because while i was at her place she would try and get me to stop talking to my friends and my current partner. someone i was with before her. “you prefer someone online to someone right there in front of you”, “I lose you whenever you go on your computer”. that’s because when im on my computer I get close to becoming aware.

whenever I got home I’d block her but somehow we’d end up in contact again.

This time I blocked even her family because she used them to get to me once. she tried to get to me through some other people this time and oh my god I’m so terrified off her.

I remember during the period of time I didnt have my meds I started getting close to asking her to take me home because I mentioned I needed them and I wasnt feeling well. She went into the other room and came back with alcoholic drinks, hers already half empty so she couldn’t drive. another time I wanted to catch up with a friend and she yelled at me for even thinking about going home. she would say things like “but you said you wanted to hang out with me, so why are you wanting to hang out with them”

it’s getting fuzzy again, I guess the memories are repressing again. I just really needed to get this off my chest, thank you anyone that read this.

I’m terrified of E. I’m scared soon she will try to knock on my door. I stopped any contact I know she can get with me, but it’s never enough she always finds me

[diaryoftragicmess]

4/8/18

Today was a good day. I was so happy and I am happy. After breaking up with m....n and deleting twitter things have gotten better. That night of 1st aug when i broke up with her i was so so so freaking devastated. I crid so much. So fucking much. It was the peak of my sadness ever I guess. I cried so much that i couldnt fall asleep because of the pain i felt. I planed that night that i will hang myself on the ceiling fan soon enough. I promised that night that i will do that before i turn 24. I started thinking about all the suicide notes i had to write. One for family. One for friends and also to twitter etc. I was so fucked up that night so guess how i got better? Quetapine. It fucking saved my ass that night. I ate that and was feeling better already and i prayed and cried and started bismillah shareef. And made a pact to read it daily. So after the lowest low I recoverd a little bit after 2 am when i prayed and ate that tablet. And that wonder drug is so good. I stopped crying and sleep overtook my overthinking. The next morning i told d...i about the crying part because she is a doctor. Ofc i didnt say about m....n or anything that i dont say but i told her about how much i cried and how much sadder i got. And we spoke for a while and it felt nice to speak to someone who understands you a bit. And she was nice to me. She told me ways to cope and we talked about mental illness and bpd etc. Hospital was fine and it helped me distract myself that day.

So yesterday was also ok and i was happy and i dont miss my twitter nor her. I am relieved. I am kinda numb or more likr happy numb. Its not sadness numb. I deleted my instagram too and i am not replying on gc. All these toxic things all together kinda are having a positive effect on her. I am also kinda over d...v and gf. Its ok now. I feel too calm and normal.

I chatted to d...v yesterday for long which rarely happens tbh and we spoke about m....n and my insecurities and how he misses his gf and stuff like that. He is been talking to me a lot these days. I mean compared to previous months its more. Its because he is lonely because of the breakup and Idc I am gonna support him. And my feelings seem to be better. Good thing is theres one thing I am quite sure of now about him is that he has no feelings for me anymore. It hurts. But not very much. But its good for him isnt it? I mean we could have never been together and stuff obviously. But its cool when someone likes you. I used to feel really good but its ok. Its all good. We are friends. And he said that he half trusts me and i told him that its cool because i have commitment issues and i really feel like a burden if someone trusts you wholly. I feel like i may disappoint them and that usually happens so half trust is fine by me. But i wish i could have atleast lied to him that he can trust me or maybe atleast i could have actually really made me trust him for real. But anyways these issues of mine have no end to it and i dont want to dig in deep. As for m.....n, its not her fault. I realised that after i told d....v told me what she thought about me. And yeah she dont like that i dont trust her and i am insecure. Its ok now. I dont want to think about it. I have closed that casket and kept it locked and sealed now and i am so good now i dont want to think about it anymore.

As for today, i have been good today. We all went to have lunch @ home together . We all colleagues. It was so fun. I couldnt stop smiling all the time. I felt so nice after so long and now i am watching 13 r w and just chilling. Not studying or worrying about stuffs. Just keeping low. I feel nothing bad actually. It feels nice. Its so calm. I wish it always feel like this. Its like the calm after the storm lol. So thats it i am good and praying and smiling and i love my hospital and all the colleagues in there.

[arediscoveryofself]

J

I rarely talk about men, or guys. And the only men whom had won my deepest respect and heart, are my brother and father. Hardly any other man comes close to them. 

My dad, illiterate in English, but he talks to me history every now and then.  I always thought I'm similar to my mum, only to realise i was wrong during the Europe trip. 

The first day in Berlin, we sat in the Starbucks at Berlin Airport.  I went to get coffee and tea for us, only to see my dad journaling away as he jots down his exhilarating emotions. I look at my dad, and realise, maybe we're really so similar. 

Taiwan 2013, it was the first time our family went to a country beyond China and SEA. God knows why, but I insisted on going to museum to see things that I know yet dont know. But my dad clearly knows way more history than me, so he patiently guided me and told me the story of Song Sisters. That explains my love for history. 

My brother, persistent and persevering, he deserves all the A+ deans list and prestigous internships. 

Then comes you. 

May 2017, we met, at AMK Hub, wanting to do competitor analysis for a restaurant that we worked for. You were different from all other guys that I've met. At the top of AMK Hub, you shield me away from the children riding animals cars, for fear of them bumping into me. At the food court, when I'm so used to ordering and buying food all by myself, you insisted that I sat while you make the order. You didnt bother finding out what to eat,but just bought 2 set meal at the chicken rice stall. 

"What did you want to drink? "

I said my favourite drink of all time, "Teh o bing"

But auntie somehows made teh bing instead. But i drank it anyways and you told me, that i'm different because i dont make a fuss out of big things, unlike any other girls you've met. 

I shook my shoulders because i didnt know what to react, because this is me and i never make a fuss out of small things. But i too, wanted to reply, "you're the most diff guy I've ever met."

We took the covered walkway to Cheng San, with my lap top in my tote bag, sling over my shoulders. You told me, "Dont use this kind of bag, its bad for your shoulders."I smiled and continued walking. 

"Eh do you want me to carry it for you? "

I said nope, because i never like people carrying things for me. 

I had a feeling that you would wish me luck for my first day of internship which was the very next day. And you actually did. You sent me a clover emoji and I asked you why. You said, "it represents good luck". And from then onwards, 4 leaf clover became my lucky charm. 

In that instant, I knew you're different and this friendship is going to be different. Internship and CCC got me so tired, sleeping at 12 am and later almost every day, but I'll always make it a point to text you on the pretext of Bliss. And you'll always rush me to sleep, just like how my mum did. 

I harboured hopes, hoping that things would turn out to be something beautiful. I know, i was threading on thin ice, but I continued to harbour hopes. I hate this uncertainty, and I hate having butterflies in my stomach.  

Then comes June. I wanted to put all these romance and butterflies away, but one night, I lied down on my bed, and suddenly gazillion thoughts went through my head. About how you felt, how you thought. I really wanted to sleep, because i knew, i cant text you like how a friend do. But when I shut my eyes,  a voice told me to love you, like how i'll love a brother in christ. 

So I typed the longest message to you ever. I put away my phone for i fear the reply. 

The phone lit up a few seconds after, and you said, "i've never told this to anybody. How did you even know?"

I dont know how to explain the existence of God to somebody whom is a non christian. But i ended off with saying, " I know we share different faith, but just know that, you have a god above, who truly loves you for who you are."

My heart broke when you replied, "No offense. But i believe that christianity is not for everybody."

I try to tell myself that its ok, its truly ok. We can just be friends. But how do you thread the thin line between friends and more than friends. To catch the fish market at Jurong at 12 am was an excuse, I simply wanted to find excuses to go out with you. You didnt know I sacrifice cell for you, but i happily did it, cause you were a gem to me. 

God somehow knows the way to my heart. While waiting for the bus at the ulu interchange, you made your way to an eatery, and shove the water bottle down my bag. "See, you dont have water with you again."

That moment, I told God, "what do you want me to do now?"

We were stopped at the fish market, because of cameras, but somehow, you smoked out some reasons and we got in. And you said the manliest things ever, " later if anything, just say I initiated this photoshoot."

I got captivated at the killing and cleaning of fishes, while you waited patiently and paved the way for me, for fear of me slipping and falling. Then I knew, you were the most caring man ever. 

I really wanted to clarify our relationship, but I lack the courage to do so. So that night, we went home separately. 

God is truly humourous. That August, i won the competition and got offered full time job at a fin tech company and i know it is truly by God's grace and His grace alone. So I knew, that I cannot be tgt with a guy who is non christian. And that time, you told me that you were seeing another girl. So I didnt reply to your text at CCC final when you wish me luck. 

But caring and meticulous as you are, you wished me all the best on 21 August, the night I was due for Netherlands. 

The butterflies came back again, but soon, our convo died just like how it was always shortlived. 

I never initiated any chat, and it's always you, who would asked me who am i doing in netherlands. To the extent that you airflown my favourite cereal to my apt. The postage cost $75, a considerable amount to a guy who is on bursary and part time jobs. 

I wanted to return the favour, but you insisted no. So i relented. But we stopped talking, as we always did. 

Then came November, you knew of the refugees flooding  into Netherlands due to a hurricane, and checked up on me. I asked God again, "why. Why."But in my heart, I'm secretly happy that you did. 

Just when I thought its over, you wished me happy new year, 7 hours before 12 am because I was in France and you were in Singapore.  We revived our chat history. 

"So 2 Feb you're coming back?"

I said yes. 

"Anybody going to pick you up?"

"i dont know yet. my dad's working, if not i can just cab back home."

"If not i go fetch you. Its a saturday anyways."

"No, dont come."I replied. I never like the idea of you going out of your way for me, because we werent anything. 

"But i live near the airport."

No you dont. You live in freaking serangoon and not pasir ris. 

But the conclusion was that you didnt have to come because my bro would be coming. 

I couldnt understand whatever that was going on, and I felt that you were stepping over the boundaries of a friend. So I asked Vanessa what should I do. After all, shes the only friend that have met you. 

She told me to clarify our relationship. So I did it, without any fear because I know, that we can still be friends no matter what. 

And true enough, you said, you only treated me as a very close friend because nobody can understand you like i did.  Surprisingly, I didnt seem too sad. And i slept peacefully that night, knowing that i've got a closure in my heart. 

But things, continued to be in a grey area. 

2 Feb 2018, I came back. And you texted "Are you back in Sg?"

Being the mischievous kid that i always am, i said, "Nope, stuck in Qatar due to weather circumstances."

I sensed in your tone that you're worried sick. So I played along and told you to not worry because Doha Airport provides proper accommodation. 

Then I knew the joke was kind of out of hand, so I relented and said I'm happily lying on my bed. 

But you seem to have forgotten the dim sum treat that you're supposed to treat me. And I didnt want to cause any unnecessary butterflies and fluttering of heart, so I stopped texting you. 

Yet, i dont know what has gotten into me, in May, i told you to meet up. Because I want to meet you as a friend, and I wanted to see if i have truly moved on. 

So on hari raya puasa, we met at old airport road. For all the cheap and good local delights. Then you handed me a really bitter herbal drink and you said, "Nah, you forgotten to bring water again right?"

My heart fluttered for you again. 

We ate so much, my stomach was bursting and I suggested walking to Stadium to chill.

As dramatic as it was, I played with the shadows and I tried imagining us holding hands. You kept making sure I drank up, so much so that i really wanted to puke. 

You already had a girlfriend, but you told me that the conversation you had with me that very night, was more than what you had with your gf for the past 2 weeks. I told you, that you should prolly talk to your gf to clarify things and to improve on your r/s. You somehow werent interested because you seem to be resigned to that fate. 

That moment, i really wanted to tell you that you deserve a better girl, but I didnt because I didnt want to be a third party.

That night, we sat over looking kallang river. Hearing the waves that crushes against the man made beach. You told me that you wanted to be a police. 

"Wow. To change the nation?"

"Not so noble. I just want to change the things around me."

"And because I am not interested to be in those tall buildings out there. It doesnt seem to have a meaning."

We both looked at the CBD that you're pointing to. 

"What a man." I whispered in my heart. 

That night, we shared. We shared so much that i know, I'm gonna miss this night. 

We bid goodnight, and we never talked again. 

I knew, that only on my birthday, would we rekindle our conversation. And true enough, you wished me at 3 am on my birthday, and told me that you wanted to wait till 12, but you gave into the zzz monster. 

I took the chance to ask you out, as a friend, to catch up on life. 

You said sure. so I was eagerly waiting for the day to arrive. 

But the weekend before, I met van, and told her about all these things. And i actually told her that I'm thinking of cutting you off my life,  for I cant handle this weird feelings anymore. 

Van said, "Maybe god purposely intertwine both of your lives, not for romantic reason. But to spread your positivity to him.Why cant you talk to him just like how you talk to me and just ask deep questions like how we always do."

Then i realised I cant. You've always treated me as a close friend, but you were never a friend to begin with. I've always treated this r/s gingerly and carefully. 

I knew that you only had a few shirts to wear, so I've alr got plans to buy you 2 uniqlo oxford shirts that week to pass to you on wed. But you told me that you had to OT, so we had to cancel our plans. 

I heaved a sigh of relief silently, and then I realised, i've viewed this friendship and outing too seriously. 

We have yet to decide when is the next outing going to be, but till then, my eyes continue to look at the man's section whenever I see a uniqlo outlet. 

People are so curious about my future boyfriend,but how and where do I even begin telling this story. 

One night, at a rooftop bar carpark, an intern shared my woes. And he said, "people like us, who rarely gave our hearts away. Once we did, its just too hard to move on."

I've honestly met so many god fearing and eligible men this year, but somehow, I'll always compare them to you. Nobody is as gentlemanly as you. 

Writing this, not because i've let you down, but i'm trying to close this chapter. I'm trying to tell myself to move on, to start a new chapter. 

And hopefully, the next time we meet, i can really meet you in a capacity of a close friend. 

Thank you for the past 1 year 2 months, J. 

[theboxghost]

strap yourselves in bitches because this is one hella long post about Cowboy and how I have a type and that type is weird dudes who have girlfriends. How is that possible? How is it so specific? but apparently it is. I dunno I should just stop looking at dudes altogether. now I AM AWARE that his face is in this and also his name is in the screenshots.. thats not the point. this is so obviously only about one person that it doesnt matter, it’s about the tag.

anyway. cowboy.

So here is a lovely photo of us on the way back through soi cowboy when I realised I wanted to do a lot of stuff to this guy

and I dont know what he was thinking, but looking back and seeing this message after we both got back to our respective rooms, I’m not sure his mind was totally innocent, although I may be just reading too much into this. What do you think? very tiny list of made up people who read my blog aka nobody I’m just venting. anyway

does that sound like a sexy thing to you? It didnt at the time but after my next few days of messages I have kind of changed my mind.

so of course I’m still trying not to follow him around like a puppy because I just want to hang out with him ALL THE DAMN TIME.. but that’s fine, I just die a little bit.

there is a pool hang out one night and the girls had like a high school discussion of their top three boys, and obvously I said cowboy, acai, and this other guy angus, but later, drunk me told a few of the girls that my top three is actually just cowboy 3 times because it’s true. the stuff I would do to that guyyyyyyyy

anyway it’s the same for a bit, until the wednesday night, We go back to maggie choos. we chat. my social ineptness can never tell flirting apart from conversation because im a piece of shit and assume everyone is flirting with me because I’m always flirting. but I was DEFINITELY flirting, and I felt like he was too. he grabbed my hand and we went to dance. dancing with him is really fun.

a few of us decide the night isnt over, and we take a tuk tuk back to the hotel and cant decide if we want to go watch the soccer or go find somewhere to dance. we all split up, but of course I go with cowboy to dance. It’s so much fun.

at some stage he asks me about my top 3 that we were talking about, which is interesting because I know for a fact chelsea already told him that he was in mine... he just wanted to hear it from me. So I tell him the original ones i said.

we are VERY drunk, and he is getting a bit handsy and I don’t stop him. it’s like the first real good feeling close dancing I ever had, except it was to shit bangers. Like... I’m salty about it. Anyway he grabs my hand and puts it around his waist, and his hands are on my back, and my face is like buried in his neck and I am dead. I am dying.. I am dead. So dead. I am loving life. Also I hate life why do I let myself get into situations like this?

so afterwards when we are on the way home we stop off at the soccer to see the others, but I am wayyy too drunk and he decides to take me home. In the elevator I tell him that i lied about my top three, and that my top three is just him three times. then I stopped listening.

he walks me to my door, and says I still owe him a kiss for getting me the snickers. I kiss him on the cheek and he says “that was very aggressive”. it was. Because I wanted to kiss him so bad but I couldnt. 

I went back to my room and drunkenly messaged him something about taking it too far and it was dangerous for me because I’m super attracted to him.

I am totally on board??? what the fuck is that man? are you kidding me? this is not helping me in the situation of me wanted to fuck you A LOT. 

thursday we don’t get up to much, just regular hangs. we don’t acknowledge the conversation

friday me and cowboy and another guy go to a pool bar for a while and get very drunk. this time it is definitely flirting. I’m toughing him a lot and he says something about me purposefully brushing up against him, which I am, and then says something about whether we should make a big mistake tonight or tomorrow night, and then says tomorrow is probably easier (because my room mate was leaving a day early). I’m like dude you shouldnt be planning that I feel bad, but not bad enough to stop doing exactly what I’m doing.

The other guy is really good about it, he is talking sense in to me and I appreciate him a lot. and we all go to bed to the pool and of course... chelsea is there who has been following brad like ever since i mentioned him in my top 3, but whatever. it’s not a competition because he isnt even single, but feel free to keep teling me all the reasons to think that there is an inappropriate thing happening with you two... but anyway. she is a whole different story...

so we all go to bed

then I have a bit of an afternoon hang out with cowboy at the aussie bar without mentioning anything about these conversations, and on the way up in the lift i get to my floor and he says “so do you still want to make one last bad decision?” I told him it was a bad idea even though I wanted to, and I left.

but fucking hell marlowe can’t help herself. So i messaged him some reasonings as to why and the conversation got down to this:

we chat a bit more about it. I’m trying to not tell him to come down stairs right now and fuck me because thats all I want SOOO bad... but I’m also talking to paul at the same time and he is doing a great job of supporting my will power.

well he says he has actually been thinking about it for way longer than that. Now I don’t know if that means me specifically, or just in general. but I am struggling with my willpower because I want this guy a lot.

eventually he decides to think about it... says he is wrestling with it and I say that if he hasnt made a decision he probably doesnt want to. He says: “I’ll regret it if I don’t”

well fuck man, you’re killing me here. but me, being a saint and actually wanting to be his friend after this (which I can’t be if he cheats on his gf with me... i dont want to be that guy), I tell him to come down here and we will watch a movie and I wont hit on him and he will see that friends is really good.

and we do just that. hang out.

after the movie we go get dinner and of course chelsea tags along, says she isnt even hungry but just wanted the walk, how convenient. ok no ranting about her and how she like to mention every 5 seconds that she ONLY wears lacy thongs all the time.. i digress.

on the way home cowboy says goodbye and im like no man you wake me up when you are leaving I dont care how early it is

he wakes me up in the morning at like 6, we say that we made an excellent decision, and I hug him and give him a nice kiss on the cheek. and I die inside a little haha

i walk around the shops for the day before my flight and I realise... I have not thought about end game for the entire week. this guy is so great that end game was gone for a week, he literally didnt even cross my mind. what the hell

i buy him one of the jesus pictures that we kept walking past... except jesus is on a boat wtf. I send him a message from the airport about being great friends and hanging out. and I tell him to hit me up if he is ever single.

although I dont want it to seem like I’m only hanging out with him waiting for sex... I legit enjoy his company so I’m happy to be his friend 100%, even if I never get to sleep with him. But damn those close quarters made my life hard.

and thats the end of that LOOOONG chapter

[his-awesomeness]

major rant about my relationships and the storm of emotions I'm feeling

After my previous break up roughly 5 months ago (or 6) I was real fucking torn up inside because I had put my everything into her. As I do with all of my relationships, and in the end of all of them I end up getting abused somehow. From fucking being cheated on or neglected.

Now I understnadit was like 3 years ago, but because that bitch manages to crawl herself back into my life through sheer luck of events and manages to assist in the break up of my last relationship. The old wounds are opened, but this time with a new sting, a new burn. A pain I do everything to avoid, a pain I receive for trying and putting my heart into others. And it hurts and it sucks because I lie in bed filled with a fucking tornado of emotions with a bleeding heart and I can't do anything about it. I still yearn for the one who hurt me. I still want the touch and the safety and serenity I felt but she is the one who also put me through all of this. And I want to die (just to clerify, not actually, more of the casual need to die but it's actually backed up with a lot of emotion.

a long ass time ago I made a post about the first bitch ago fucked me up. Cheated and manipulated my emotions until I was broken and done with it all. Yet for my few, small ass mistakes a fucking freshman makes in his first actual relationship i am the bad guy. I am the one who was wrong. I am the fuck up. not her, everything she did was thrown to the side with shitty excuses and quickly moved on from.

next runner up, everything was fine for a while. Until she started to play with my heart strings in a weird way. She said she was raped a few times over the course of our relationship. But we would still fuck and do shit. But she wouldn't let me call the police at all and it was just so fucking weird because I wanted to help and try to do something but she would get more angry at me for trying to do that shit and I just... it wasn't a good relationship at all..

Third runner up, now this is a fun one.

This story starts at a bestfriennds birthday party. a group of us are chilling on his huge ass bed, I'm still in a relationship with #2 at this time. But I did start to feel disconnected, mainly just emotionally drained from the hours I spend trying to help and talk to her to. early no avail. no joke, I've probably spend like 100 hours in my car just talking to her just to keep her sane and other shit and just... it was so emotionally taxing and draining I felt empty at times.

back to the story.

we're all chilling and me and #3 are getting a little close. I'm of course asking before I do anything because

a) new chick that's cute that I'm getting close to, nervous as fuck

b) any time I'm with some one new I ask before I do nearly ANYTHING

c) she was in a relationship to (and she got back with that fucked after she fucked up my ass, lmao what's that)

but she said yes to it all so it was all good in that monent. (litteraly just laying next to her, kinda close, but that's all)

After this I told my gf at the time everything that happened because well I can't keep a 'secret' for shit and a relationship need a to be completely honest, no matter what. (REASON FUCKING A WHY I HATE THE FIRST BITCH SAMANTHA, fucker waited 3-5 months after she cheated on me to tell me and because it happened so long ago, I really couldn't do anything about it but try to move on)

she wasn't really happy about it, but in the back of her head she knew the end was coming for us. Now I should have realised that as well so I could have just ended it there and it would have made things. SO MUCH EASEIR, but because I'm a emotional piece of shit I try and and things slowly and as painless as possible. this backfired, so hard.

a few weeks pass of us taking on Facebook and all that. and she confest she liked me. This I saw coming, but I really didn't, so I was left to try out something new with a person who seemed to be really cool and awesome. Or stay in my toxic relationahip. I chose the obvious decision.

Now, ending the toxic relationship, wasn't easy, I was hoping to see what it would be like to spend time with the newer on to make sure I made the right decision, but because of how blunt and honest I am. I both of them knew this. and it didn't work out to well. After another long ass car conversation it was over. I was emotionally drained to the max. I was dead for roughly 2 weeks, like I felt nothing and I slept a LOT. Now me and #2 still talked, because hey, we can still be friends. Well, my new one really didn't like that because 2 reminded 3 of a really abusive ex a lot and so she didn't want me talking to her because of that (understandable but also she kind of wasnt nesrly that bad, and she just had this hatred fowards her- I later did kind of the same to her ex, but I didn't out right say for her not to talk to him, I just didn't like him a lot because he had a bit of photos her (hint hint) and because of me being the blunt, defensive person I am. that didn't settle well it me at all. Now what she did and I did can be argued to be the exact same thing, which they kind of are. But when I stopped it was because she wanted me to, but it took a good bit of time because getting your significant other to not talk to some one because you dont like them isnt ok. i Realised this down the road, she really didnt. but she only stopped because she thought that if she did, then I would as well. so that held some fun was conversations and a small argument)

now exactly 2 days after we went "oficial" I did something I swore I would never do. the thing that was a key part in the final phase of my parents decorce, what tore me up to no end inside. and the pain that cursed my heart for years. I cheated on her with my ex.

I was at the college and I ran into her, we where talking but she acted just like she does when something really bad happened to her. So I brought her to my car and we talked. Because she looked devastated and I couldn't just leave with a fear conscious, I could never do that. I cared too much. well, being in a car for hours with your ex and with her certain perfume that reminds you of sex kinda gets you really fucking horny. so, as we had a emotional talk with me trying to help. we hugged, because hugs help, hugs help a lot. but the equation of: car + perfume + still wanting to fuck = I proposed the idea of "one final time". and she agreed. so we did it about half way through there a small relapse... and it hits us. She pined it on me saying women are more emotional and care more about those things and ran out of my car to hers and drive off. I then cried in my car, for, hours. I felt this guilty dread break my fucking soul and I hated myself and what I did. for months I felt this way.

Now after I pulled myself together the best i could. I told my best friend, and then I told her. After a little longer I felt I was able to drive. so I want to his house where she was, and upfront told her (we went outisde) and i cried some more. a good bit more. she surprisingly forgave me. like, I'm still surprised she did. but instead of hating me, she's the one who tried to get me to be happy again, to forgive myself. and it meant a lot to me, it really did. I think this is one of the bigger factors to why I fell for her so hard. she calmed my storms, she loved me for who I was and am, and she forgave me for the thing I hated myself the most for.

the next few months went great, we hung out every day, love was in the air and it was amazing. the best i could have ever asked for.

but then it started to go downhill, she seemed to get more - snappy, short tempered, emotionally conflicted and just unstable. I did my best to help the way I do. I talk things out, hug, try to be as affectionate as possible to make thing better for hee even for just a moment. for her mind to ignore the shitstorm and just enjoy the moment, because that's what she did for me. but it only made it worse.

she started to say she was always in pain, I took this seriously and over the next few months was getting really close to saving up $200 to being her to the doctors to get it checked out to get help, so she wouldn't be in pain and that I could actually hug and show affection to her again. well that didn't work out at all. she talked to me less, showed any affection or attention for that matter at all. she just seemed to be in a void of depression.

now note: she was in one before we got together, and after we did her parents and my best friend told me how much better she was. she was happier, had more self confidence and she was just happier.

so I just thought this was a depressive rut she would get through and we could be happy again. seeing how nothing I did helped, it was all on her to get herself out.

that never hapened. at D&D I couldn't touch her or show affection at all. she said it was because she didn't like that sort of stuff in front of people.. but all it was, was just hugging and a kiss her and there, nothing serious at all.. but because it all hurt too much I ended up just sitting one the opposite side of the couch unable to do anything. I tried to make her laugh: didn't even look at me

hug her: she just sat there and made a fake ass groan of "pain", couldn't pat her head on the head to do that little stupid cute shit, because it all hurt, conststly. but the most whenever I did anythimg. but she'd become the medium sized dog to crawl on her (now that shit is painful) but nope: I can't do a damn thing to show affection at all. nor did I ever receive any. our relationship turned into my being desperate just to get her to look at me and to get her to say she loved me. but it was all too much for her

now later on I realized that this was neglect, a thing that's abuse... and it started to take a toll on my emotional health. I got more snappy, unstable, angry, emotional, yurning for her to give me any attention at all. but my little outbursts where brought to the fore front and I was pinned for them. even though all I wanted, all I needed, was just her love and attention. and I made this clear to her, multiple times. but it was too much to ask for.

oh yea, I just remembered a few thing. I'm a apologetic person. I say sorry when something bad happens to you even if I wasn't any part of it at all. it's how I show I care and that I just.. I don't know.. I just say sorry a good bit. but for her, I couldn't ever say it unless she was upset. but the thing is, she never told me that she was upset, whay was on her mind, any of that. she kept it all inside and just looked miserable but REFUSED to tell me anything. but would get snappy and upset over little shit that made no sense. but even with all of that, she would say sorry, about, everything. litteraly shit that sorry wasn't ever necessary she would say sorry for. now I would explain that it was fine, there's no reason to be sorry and every now and again call out the fact that I can't say sorry but she can.

but what would happen a lot. is what we would just go back and fourth between saying sorry to each other, and it annoyed every one around us. and just...

I got attention deprived to a point I've never been and I got super depressed for a while. torn and alone.

so when I saw my ex at the college, we started talking. and she knew exactly what happened just from me talking to her again. and she gave me the attention I needed, and some other stuff.

but now that I'm ok, more no longer depressed over emotional neglect. my mentality has shifted gears in a more, relationship needing way. Now with my ex it sure as fuck isn't happening. it's friends with benefits and that's it. Because here and there images doing roughly the same manipulation mechanics just it's not rape this time. so I'd never put myself in that position again. but I still want what I once had, I need it, the happy lovey happy times. I'm fucking needing it

but through thinking about it. one thing makes sense. Because of how broken she is she isn't uses to the constant affection I give. so at first it's amazing, but after a while of it she got tired of it. it affected her mentally in a negative way. and so she made up the pain, half made up the depression shit to not talk to me (part of it i still do believe, but if she's super happy and lovey with her ex RIGHT after we broke up when she couldn't even be in the same room with me without being pissed and angry, I don't believe most of her shit for a second). so I'm a little pisses about it all.

she neglects and fucks me up just because she can't handle my affection.

but will be be as over heals for her ex right after we broke when he's the cunt she broke up with for ME because she wasn't feeling love for him anymore.

and it's just

god

fucking

damnit

the last 3 months of our 7-8 months relationship was the slope of her neglection. and it just... it tore me up inside. and it pains me that she's just move on like it was nothing.

does she rely on the hunymoon phase of relationships constantly? did she like fucking me up? I'm just so confused and so frustrated.

I'm not the whole "I'm so lonely" shit. I just miss her. but I shouldn't because of the hell I went though just to try to care for her. to love her, to try to make her world a better place, and I got this in return.

what did do wrong?

all I wanted to do was to make her smile, to make her feel happy. to share love between another who feels the same. is it too much to want? I know I'm young and I shouldn't have found my love at this age, but just, my bleeding heart can't take this. I even tried to keep my mental and emotional health ad my first priority. pff, see how that turned out.

I hope this made sense, I needed to put all of this in words, I'm tired of this shit playing in my head over and over again falling into a minor depression whenever I go to bed. I'm getting real tired of it