#i didnt even mean to do that at first i just backspaced too much and

[magnetictapedatastorage]

sometimes i forget bras exist, and i wonder if that's a miracle or a lack of solidarity.

[yourtouchismidas]

what were the boys first impressions of rg? cause i feel like matty was smiling every time they texted back and forth with each other before the whole reveal of baby gigi.

so the boys heard about her pretty much immediately. matty had been on the phone with george the night after you'd first had sex, talking about music stuff, and during a general catch up matty had said, "got laid last night," and george had said "good for you mate," and then matty had carried on, "met her outside the pub. really sexy girl. just like really beautiful. sweet too. too sweet for me anyway."

george replied, "nice, you gonna see her again?" and matty had shrugged, "probably not," even though he hadnt really stopped thinking about last night since it happened, heat running through him whenever he did. this wasn't usual. he shrugged it off. then he text you again, asking to see you, as george knew that he would.

when the band met up again in london, after the week you'd spent together, before practise george had teased matty about spending the week with a lover and instead of jibing something back he kind of just blushed and got up and went to make himself a drink. adam went too, and asked in his chill adam way about the girl, and matty dug out his phone and showed pictures of you from your instagram.

"very pretty," adam had said, and then "you gonna see her again then?"

"nah," matty shrugged, "not for me."

"the girl?"

"of course not. did you not see her? shes for everyone. everyone with eyes anyway."

"so what's not for you?"

"the whole boyfriend thing."

adam didnt say much more, but he thought it was a shame. most of matty's one night, two night, three night stands were barely mentioned, hardly ever shown on instagram, and never talked about it the same soft way matty had mentioned you.

a few months later, at a party, matty was in the corner nursing a bottle of beer by himself, phone making grooves in his hands where he held it tightly. ross crossed the room towards him, leaning up against the wall and asking, "whats going on man?"

"what? nothing," matty said in a glum far away voice.

"you're bringing a weird vibe" ross said.

"did you ever think about how it's really hard to have a girlfriend? like with the whole band life and stuff."

ross chuckled, "there it is."

"like, say you meet someone, and then you just have to leave, and you keep leaving, over and over, and every time it makes a little crack in your heart until eventually it just sort of shatters from the pressure. and you do something stupid. or mean. or whatever. or just push them away. to try and rebuild your heart."

"jesus fucking christ," ross said chuckling again, sipping his own beer.

"but dont you ever think about it?"

"no," ross says, "only you do mate. you think about everything way too much."

matty nodded into his beer. then he took up his phone and started texting, so ross sidled away.

"george?" he said, going up to him in the kitchen, "has matty been seeing anyone recently? fucking them even? he's being all mopey about someone."

"not since the girl in manchester."

"jesus christ that was months ago."

"he's not mentioned anyone since," george shrugged.

"fucking hell, she must be something," ross said, swigging on his beer, and watching matty type, then backspace, then type, then back space then eventually, with a roll of his eyes and a huff, hit send.

[smoosnoom]

Hello!! I’ve been a fan of your fics for a while and I was wondering what your writing process is like? I haven’t written a fic in ages and I honestly miss it, so I was wondering how you tend to get started or find inspo :^)

u are so kind hello thank u so much i am glad u enjoy the things i write !!!! it means the world :D !!!

hmmm . i actually havent been writing any fics as of late but thtas mostly been for how stressed and busy i have been . but !!! i can tell u that my process is very much . a lack of one . i write oddly and strangely and i am a mess about it . i usually write a few lines in a scene and jump around from one part to another, wherever i feel my mind leaning towards i tend to go there and feed it ! its not very much a process as it is an . experience .

however, if im very much intentionally trying to get started on a fic i usually just . open up a doc and write the first sentence that pops up in my head . it doesnt matter if it is the most mundane and uninteresting thing, because the first draft is very rarely perfect . the main goal is to have something written down, because if u keep going, then that one mundane sentence builds up to create a showstopping paragraph and thats where u get the most motivation and satisfaction !!! so id say if ur very caught up with urself and thinking that nothing ur writing is good enough and u keep backspacing and have urself stuck in the same spot, then just . keep writing . keep going forward even if its grueling and absolutely terrible . after u have dug urself a tunnel out of that hole, u can go back and make it a proper staircase . u just need to get to where u want to be, and once u are satisfied or content, u can go back and fix what u want

if u find urself unable to do that, then i say seek out other media that really entices or evokes emotion in u . nothing (in my opinion) is as inspiring as a good piece of fiction or art or music or dance ! listen to music u wouldnt usually listen to or check out a friends movie recommendation, just try to push yourself out of the usual things you watch or read or listen to on repeat . taking the time to listen to something new and finding one good song that sticks with me for three weeks is the kind of stuff that has me writing 4 fics in one month !!!

anyway . i hope some of this was helpful or useful at all, if none of it was or if i just . didnt do a very good job of answering ur question, then let me know :) and the most important part of the writing process is just that, to write !!! write whatever it is, and if ur stuck in a block or arent proud of anything ur writing, then write the first thing in ur brain ! if u dont like that either, then thats fine !! just keep going until u find a rhythm . and if u dont, try again and again and again ! i am a firm believer in that trying makes all the difference . is that too cliche idk ! but i think its true

so . anywho . please let me know if any of this is actually useful to u :) id love to know how it goes, and please feel free to drop by with an update or anything !! thank u for the ask !!!!

[nomorevanillabeanicecream]

no more vanilla bean ice cream

they were out of vanilla bean ice cream, they had vanilla, french vanilla, sweet cream vanilla and cheesecake vanilla, but not vanilla bean, when did everyone all of a sudden get into vanilla bean, everyone was a pig they could not care less about the bean in the vanilla or not, but now apparently everyone was into vanilla bean ice cream because last week there was a full row of umpqua vanilla bean ice cream and now there was none

so I’m waiting in line at safeway with my subpar vanilla ice cream after I had gone on a much needed quarantine run right after spending two hours texting my friend and she was telling me about how google owns all the data in the world and not only has enough data to know me better than myself, but since they know everyone else’s data too, they know my friends data so they know me in context, the whole thing was very depressing so depressing i didnt even want to use a period in my writing anymore because what the fuck was the point of punctuation anyway in this world, i would still be nice and use commas, just to give my fingers a break and be able to get a thought in or so. 

i guess i could also accommodate for paragraphs break at visually appropriate times, it didn't matter if it was contextually appropriate or not, i was going to drop a paragraph break because i know people like paragraphs, charles dickens and dostoevsky and jane austen and leo tolstoy never made paragraph breaks that's why no one ever read their books, people just say they read them to seem smart but they never really read them they just knew it was the right thing to say that they were literary geniuses because their books were so long, see people like to lie and say they know the work of a great author even though they only read a few  quotes by them, but that was enough to say good and bad things about writers without ever knowing what the hell they did, few understand the theory of relativity but everyone calls einstein a genius. 

the thing about quarantine was that at this point i had gotten used to seeing very few people in my life and i was enjoying it so whenever i had to go to the supermarket i had to see all these people and boy were they gross, maybe i would not have seen them as so gross if had gotten my vanilla bean ice cream but i had not so, they were gross, they were all getting so fat, and fat in like weird ways, not like fat on the sides like the michelin tire guy or a cute belly like the pillsbury dough boy or like that kinda funny superfat like homer simpson or peter griffin they were just gross fat, like it looked like they had just been eating garbage and watching netflix fat, like this one guy seemed like if you got a pillowcase filled it up with hot lard and then poked two pool cues on the bottom of it, this other lady looked like a minifridge emptied into a potato sack.

the asses were the worst part, it was kinda hot so everyone was wearing shorts and it was not appropriate when they wear shorts always have that like red line right under the shorts and it does not look that great, the oddest one was the skinny ass but with fat legs, i did not get that one, the person would have no ass mass at all but then the legs were super fat i did not understand what they were doing to get their bodies to look this way, a lot of people were also walking around with wedgies, a lot of people were also walking around in pajamas covered in animal hair and it was gross, its like you have nowhere to go, you are all complaining about not having the right to go out, so when you do go out why not maybe spruce things up, honour life, honour your fellow human, no, screw that we are all going to behave like the whole entire public sphere is a big ass pijama party,

the whole facemask thing, wait before, i start talking about the facemask thing, everytime i start a new paragraph, google is trying to force me into capitalizing the first letter, it doesn't even ask me if i want to capitalize it, it just goes ahead and does it, google is such an presumptuous douche sometimes, now when i write in gmail, it autocompletes all my sentences, great so we can all sound like robots, and it does it like automatically, so i ending having to erase the lame sentence it wrote, i mean i would have probably come up with something similar or exactly the same too, after all there are only  so many ways to say goodbye, but id like to think it was my idea, these engineers had no savoir faire, just so you know, so now i hope that everytime you start to read a new paragraph you imagine me hitting the backspace button to delete their fascist capital letters, and its frustrating because im really trying to write as fast as i can, i bet you can tell

see it happened again, and its not that i just have to hit the delete, i have to get my mouse and put my cursor there so it like detects its not just on mistake i am trying to delete their smartass capital letter, so yeah to the facemask thing, the whole facemask thing was pretty dumb, i mean if the facemask was the windshield to the coronavirus i didnt get how casual people were being about, they would just pull it right down under their noise, oh great now you have all your coronavirus on your nostrils, what the hell, i didnt get it, im pretty sure noone in that safeway store had coronavirus, and it was coronavirus not covid19, what is it about us having to find dandy little names for things, it was the coronavirus and thats that, so yeah we were all carrying about these facemasks that if they were really protecting us from the coronavirus lingering in the air then we were being flagrantly irresponsible in our use, but deep down we all felt it wasnt, but we just had to wear one because it was the rule, but we all knew noone in the store had coronavirus

it may sound weird, but i think you know when someone has coronavirus, its like you can just tell, you know like other things you can just tell about a person, i remember i once went up to san francisco about a month ago, and i saw this guy on the muni line headed to the bayview that for sure had coronavirus, he wasnt coughing or anything, but i saw him and i knew he definitely had coronavirus, it wasnt because he was black or chinese or  anything, this isnt like a hidden racist joke, i could just tell, i freaked out , and i havent gone up to the city since then, and then, lo and behold they announced that a muni driver got the corona and that the bayview district had the most corona cases in the cities, see sometimes you can just tell

im pretty sure that day i even had the corona on me, i mean i didnt get it, but im pretty sure it landed on my hand, but i washed it before i touched any of my mucous parts, but it was there with me, i dont think it was from the guy on the bus thought, i think it landed from this other guy, i went to a deli to buy water, bananas, coca cola and chocolate and this guy was kinda drunk and talking real loud and coming real close and i could feel the air get really moist when he passed by me and my hand was exposed and i know that at that moment some of it got on my hand, but i didnt panic, i knew i couldnt lose my cool, i had to just play it smooth, and wait till i could get to the studio and wash my hand and everything else, i was really thorough i walked the whole way back to the studio with my hand outstretched so it wouldnt touch my jacket or anything, i could feel it was there, it was for sure there, but i played it cool and washed it and nothing happen, but i was that close 

 and thats why you have to wash your hands because you could be that close too to having coronavirus, so see im not that crazy, that the reason they recommend us all to wash our hands, because at some point it could be that close to you, and if you don't wash your hand before your touch your eye, boom you got coronavirus, crazy to think that you too could have had coronavirus on you, and you could have, but now i think there isnt that much coronavirus on things anywhere, i think the coronavirus is like hiding or something, i think the coronavirus are like finding their niches and stuff, like if you ask me i think the coronavirus right now is probably somewhere where the sun dont shine, i bet it like flew to a a dirty dive bar that was totally shut down windows boarded and everything, but its there just chilling on the sticky counter, waiting to come back in the summer, i also think it might be at like some nasty to-go food place, like there is this wing place open till midnite around my house, i bet there is a little coronavirus there, but only a little bit, and its like one of the lazy ones, so i dont think it feels like jumping on anyone

at work i have to tell the staff how to wash their hands, i tell them they have to wash on top of their hand, palm of their hand, each finger, in between fingers, under the finger nails, and up to the elbow, but i mean if they have coronavirus, and their touching my food, i think its going to get on the to go box anyway, but its the rules so i play along, i even translated the rules, and told them to sign a paper, the paper also said that they had to wear a facemask, its not like they have multiple facemasks, i mean we are going to give them a few, but its up to them to wash it, one guy asked me if he could use the same one for a few days, i told him no, but i mean even if he washes his facemask before work and then lets say he puts it in his pocket, what if his jacket has corona but his facemask doesnt, itd be a real shame if his corona jacket infected his noncorona facemask, but i saw him and i dont think he had corona anyway

im repeating the same point and the rant is losing steam, so i gotta ramp it back up, or maybe no, maybe its not all just about ranting, maybe i should tell you some good things, like ill tell you about my run, the day was so nice, it was bright and sunny, and thats really all i gotta say, the point that i have more to say about right now is that i feel like im writing like that kid from catcher in the rye, that kid was a real case, i cant say i disliked the kid, but i wouldnt hang out with him, i mean in general i wouldnt be hanging out with high schoolers, but i might hang out with him after he grows up, i think we were all like that kid at some point, and the ones that arent, are soul dead and just go to work and drink craft beer and probably become those engineers without savoir faire that figure out the code to finish my email sentences

but i also feel that i am writing likes james joyce in ulysses, those are two books that i read from cover to cover ulysses and catcher in the rye, all it takes is a good fucked up guy to write something honest and you can get me to finish it, james joyce was all about stream of consciousness, crazy to think that ulysses is regularly named the best book of the century, and it wasnt even that bad of a century for books, it was a crazy book, and it was daring and new to just expose how he felt a person thought, and i mean it was pretty smart, because that is how we think, we jump around and we get nervous and self conscious and horny and we think in simple letters, and our memories associate things weirdly, i mean dante was the best writer of all the time, but i dont know anyone that thinks inside their brain in metered stanzas, if there was such a person, i dont know if id like to meet him, it would be a lot to handle good novels have taught me a lot, they've confused me too, but overall taught me things, see life is a grey thing, like there arent absolute values, 

for us human beings, its easy to think of things as black and white, good and bad, yes or no, but thats not how it goes, there is a lot of grey area, and thats why i guess i liked ulysses, see the whole book is about this guy that is roaming around dublin, while he knows his wife is cheating on him, the last chapter is a stream of consciousness from his wifes mind, in which she just goes through her mind thinking about her past lovers and this guy she is cheating on her husband with, and ultimately she feels bad and when her husband climbs back into bed with her, shes like thinking oh there he is again, old leopold, but hes my leopold and she i guess kinda does admit to loving him, life hurts like that sometimes, a woman can still love you but cheat on you, a man can do it too, anyone can cheat on you, but still love you, anyone can hurt you and still love you, its a rough reality, remember i wrote an essay on this book, and the teacher said that i should save it and give it to the woman i marry it was so good, i didnt save it so i guess that wont ever happen, i cant even remember what i said, probably something about forgiveness and the abstract beauty of love, i was only twenty, i could have said anything

i wish i could remember what i wrote though, nowadays a lot of people are walking around with fear of intimacy issues, they are scared to open up to people, you know a lot of people are saying that they have intimacy issues, so i wanted to figure out more,  i looked it up on wikipedia and it said there were four types of people, normal people that love themselves and can share intimacy with others, people that think themselves unworthy of intimacy but seek it, people that are scared of being intimate with others out of fear of rejection, and people that have self worth but think others are undeserving of intimacy, i think the whole thing probably comes from parental stuff, that's always the freudian way of looking at things, its kind of a shame because i think people really do like laying in bed and talking comfortably with someone after a wild fuck, when i wrote the essay i didnt have intimacy issues, but i might now, i dont know, and even if  i did i dont know what type of of person i am,  i guess sometimes people do say some stupid things, and stupid things out of  a naked person are the worst kind of stupid things, whatever its wikipedia, anyone could have written, just like the original science study it supposedly based on,

ok this all getting too gooey and it lost its sharp vibe, i think that we were on a roll, when we were on the coronavirus landing places part, but then i get too serious and stuff, i do still want to talk about books i like, you know like thats one of the favorite things english teachers like to do, they like to analyze all the references that an authour made to other books, normally its the bible or the odyssey or some other greek or roman classic, like ulysses was modeled after the odyssey, i remember the teacher always talked about that, ive never read the odyssey or the iliad, ive heard they are great books, but i try not to say it myself, i do say that homer was a great poet though, but i never read his stuff, i mean ive read the first line, but i dont know the whole story or anything, i guess we are all hypocrites at some point or another, i do know however that ulysses was in one of dantes circles of hell, because he was advisor to deceit, the deceit of having that big horse full of soldiers go into to troy, so he ended up in hell, talking about hell that was another book they loved to reference, the bible, the bible doesnt see things grey, they see it black or white, this morning i woke up at four in the morning, and i couldnt get back to bed, so i pulled to a random spot and started reading proverbs, they make it seem so simple, this is good, that is is bad, i wish it were that simple, it used to be that simple like that when i was little kid, maybe it still is but,  i just refuse to see it that way

[catboythanatos]

so... cecilos. i literally had to stop listening to wtnv last night because i couldnt focus on anything else, i was so emotional, i just want carlos and cecil to reunite so badly. their relationship is one of the most genuine and heartfelt things ever. its so amazing. so i stopped listening and i wrote this completely cathartic thing, i just started writing and didnt stop until it was past 4am. its been a long time since ive just written something with no plan just straight from emotional overload, so it was kinda nice. i like how it turned out.

i’m only up to episode 56 so later canon might contradict something in this but idgaf honestly this is some sweet and heartfelt cecilos from the middle of the night. enjoy

Cecil awakes in the desert. There is sand all around him, warm and course against his skin. He isn't sure how he ended up here, having no memory of coming here, but he's woken up in weirder places in the past. He is used to deserts, but this desert is not his own. He can feel it. Something in the air is completely different here.

He rises, brushing the sand off of himself as best as he can, and has a look at his surroundings. There is just desert, as far as he can see. Sand wastes strewn with sad, tiny shrubs and the strangest cacti he has ever seen. There is also a distant, looming shape -- almost mountain-like in size and appearance, however, it's difficult to say what it could actually be. He decides to start his journey towards that shape, drawn to it for reasons he cannot explain. He treks for quite a long time.

As the mountain-like mass gets closer, he sees that there is a light, blinking high upon it. It is red. Blinking lights are always red. The colour evokes an emotion within him. He recognizes it. He knows where he must be. His toes tingle with excitement underneath his sand-covered shoes. There is someone here he is longing to see.

As he continues moving forward, his steps become rapid, and his breaths become strained. He is running now, defying gravity, floating now, flying at maximum speeds. He watches the vast desert pass beneath him, dry and lifeless.

Before he even knows it, Cecil is floating up to a lighthouse. His feet find their way to solid ground, and it is his heart that starts to float next. Leap, perhaps, would be a better word. He can feel his throat tightening as he meets the eyes of the white-coated man standing before him, blinking in awe and confusion.

“Cecil?”

“Carlos?”

“Cecil!”

Carlos throws himself into Cecil’s arms, laughing a joyous laugh that's riddled with secret tears and longing.

“I missed you,” says Carlos, smiling into Cecil’s chest.

“I missed you, too.” Cecil holds Carlos tightly. “Don't scare me like that. I thought you'd be gone forever. I respect your research, and your acts of valiant heroism, but… I just wanted you to come home, Carlos. I've missed you so much.”

“Gosh, Cecil, I… I’m sorry. I missed you, too, more than you could ever even know. I watched you sometimes. I watched you through the photographs in the lighthouse. I saw you frowning, grimacing, whispering for me in the dead of night. I wanted to tell you that I love you, but I didn't want you to be freaked out over me watching you… It sounds silly now, but…”

“That's okay, I understand. Forget all that, Carlos, just… Shut up and kiss me, please,” Cecil begs, not caring about anything right now. What's past is past, what's now is now. It doesn’t matter how many lonely nights he spent longing anymore, because those days will be over now. Carlos is home! Well, Cecil is trapped in this desert otherworld with him. So neither of them are home home, but they're at home with each other.

Kissing Carlos is home. Running his fingers through Carlos’ thick, wavy hair is home. Carlos’ hands cupping his waist, his hand cupping Carlos’ delicate cheek, is home. Carlos and him, kissing, rolling in the sand, laughing, breathless, giggling, touching, being… Home is Carlos. Cecil cares about nothing else anymore in this moment. He loves Night Vale, but he would honestly leave it all behind if it meant Carlos’ sandy, unwashed hair falling into his face, and the feeling of his back pressed against the gentle roll of a sand dune, and callused hands of a scientist stroking his face, as he’s propped up on one elbow above him, staring down at him, eyes filled with love behind dusty, smudged glasses.

Cecil’s mouth had fallen agape, but his eyes were smiling. Carlos’ eyes smiled, too. His perfect lips grinned. He kissed his boyfriend again, laughing bubbly and brightly. Cecil’s heart tightens, filled to the brim with love and adoration. Carlos’ laugh was perfect. His mouth was perfect, his eyes were perfect, his hair, perfect. All was perfect. Carlos was his yet again. He never wanted this moment to end.

But then, just as soon as it had began, it ends.

Cecil awakens, once again. This time, he is in his own bed. This time, alone.

“Oh,” he says simply. “Oh.”

A small, weak whimper slides past his lips.

“Oh, Carlos,” he whispers, as he often does, helplessly into the still of the night. “Oh, Carlos…”

He stares up at the ceiling above him. He clutches at the pillow beside him, empty, devoid of any luscious presence; of any stray perfect hairs to tickle his neck as he shifts under the covers in the night. He sighs.

He sits up on the edge of the bed. The red light from his phone charging on the bedside table creates the only light in the room. It blinks. For a moment, he knows that Carlos would probably be awake right now, being, of course, in a desert otherworld where time is completely different from here at home, but he doesn't think he would understand. Deep down, Cecil knows that Carlos would understand because Carlos loves him, and misses him, and cares about him deeply, but … everything seems so complicated right now. He could call, text, or email him right now, and possibly get an immediate response, but for some reason, he doesn’t.

“I miss you,” he sighs hopelessly instead, as if there might be someone around to hear. There is no one around to hear.

Cecil flops himself back down on his bed, exhaling, long and dramatic. He tries to return himself to the dull lull of sleep. His heart aches so painfully that it is hard to even imagine that Carlos is alive and well and just a click of a button away.

He quietly watches the blinking light on his phone blink for a while, before it dawns on him that blinking signifies a notification. A solid red light is for charging, and a blinking light means something else is happening. He wants to think that different colours of the blinking lights should signify something, but he knows that that's ridiculous, since blinking lights are always red.

He reaches over and collects his phone from the bedside table, and is surprised, not unpleasantly, to see the notification on the screen. It is a Snapchat from Carlos.

The photo is of the night sky. There are specks of stars, and other strange shapes and lights, all along a backdrop of a dark velvety purple. It's obviously hard to capture something like the sky in just a cell phone camera, but it looks remarkably familiar. The caption reads: “How’s my favourite radio host doing tonight?”

There is a subsequent Snap reading “Is it night there?” And another saying “I don't mean to wake you up or anything, if it is. But the sky reminded me of home, and of you.”

Cecil’s chest tightens. The messages are sweet, but he wants Carlos to be here, with him, right now! He can't take one more minute of this treacherous absence.

He half-heartedly lifts his phone above him to snap a photo, in which he is pouting, barely visible in the darkness, one cheek pressed against the pillow.

He types various iterations of whiny ‘I miss you’s and needy demands before backspacing and starting over from the beginning, chewing his lip in frustration and thought.

“Missing my favourite scientist tonight,” he captions it eventually, hitting send in a haste before he can think too deeply about any of it.

It takes less than a minute for Carlos to reply. He has switched to the inside camera of his phone, where he has a sympathetic, but genuine, sad smile.

“I miss you,” it reads.

Cecil has trouble breathing suddenly. He wants Carlos home. He needs Carlos home. It has been days, maybe even a week, since he has even heard Carlos’ voice, and his heart is screaming with longing. If he is free to send photos, maybe he will be free to call…

Cecil brings the phone up to his ear, and the first ring feels like it lasts a century. But a mere millisecond into the second, Carlos picks up.

“Cecil?”

“Carlos,” Cecil breathes, trembling.

“Cecil? Are you feeling alright?”

“It is so good to hear your voice. I’m-- yes, I'm fine, Carlos, I… I just… miss you. I miss you so, so much.”

“Oh, Cecil,” Carlos sighs a beautiful sigh. “I miss you, too.”

“You need to come home now, Carlos.”

“I understand, Cecil. But you know it's not as simple as that.”

Cecil wants to be mad, he wants to scream, he wants to yell at his beloved Carlos, to come home, come home right this instant, I need you to be home, but… he does know.

“I… I know,” he sighs eventually.

“You know I miss you, too,” says Carlos. His voice is genuine, but it just makes Cecil sad.

“I know,” he mumbles.

“Go look at the stars, Cecil.”

“The stars?”

“The stars. Just pull back your curtain and look at them, just for a moment.”

Cecil rises, and walks over to the bedroom window. He does as Carlos asks. The sky is velvet purple with flickers of stars and other distant shapes and lights. “I… am looking at them now. Is there some kind of special surprise here I’m supposed to see?”

“There's not really a special surprise, no. I’ve not found a way back home just yet. I’ve just been looking at the sky a lot recently, and I wanted to share it with you.”

Come to think if it… The sky in Carlos’ picture did look very similar to the sky here in Night Vale. The sky probably looks similar no matter where you go. It is so vast, and everything else is so tiny, so insignificant.

“No matter where we are in the world, there's always a beautiful sky to look at. And if we do it at the same time… it's almost like we’re together.”

Tears prick the corners of Cecil’s eyes. “Yeah?”

“Yeah. I really do miss home, Cecil. And I miss you. I guess in a way, you are my home.”

“Have you been dreaming of me at all?” Cecil asks suddenly, recalling the powerful sentiment of his dream.

“I… no, why?”

“Oh. I've dreamt of you a lot. I keep dreaming I'll wake up next to you, or that I’m out in your desert, with you… together. But it's not real... None of it is real. You're never going to be home, are you?”

Cecil’s voice is breaking, and Carlos’ heart feels like it's breaking, too. “Oh, Cecil… Cecil. Baby. Don’t say that…”

Cecil softens considerably at the pet name. Carlos has never called him one before. It's gentle. But there are still tears welling in the corners of his eyes, threatening, dangerous, ready to spill down his face at any moment. “It’s--it’s been forever, Carlos.”

“Oh, honey,” Carlos coos again. “Oh, Cecil. I'll be home soon. I promised. A scientist always keeps their promises. I'm sorry if I've been … distant, recently. I'm sorry if I've made you feel left out with my scientific interest in this world. I haven't exactly been trying very hard to get home to you. It’s not that I don't want to come home for you, it's just that it's so very strange here… So very compelling. You understand, right?”

“Not really, no,” Cecil admits finally. “I don't understand. The most compelling thing to me … is you! I just want you here, I just want… you,” he huffs.

Carlos is silent for a long, long moment.

“I didn't realize that was how you felt, Cecil… Gosh, I… I am so sorry. I've been a real jerk.”

“No, Carlos,” Cecil sighs. “You aren't a jerk. I mean, I was kind of mad at you when you called that community more interesting than my community, but you aren't a bad person… Okay, I was really mad. Is that vague, possibly nonexistent desert even really a community? I disagree with that terminology. And I disagree with your opinion on their ‘scientific interest’. But… that's… okay! You didn't mean any of that. You--you always mean well! I just need you to understand how much I miss you, Carlos. I want you here ... with me! And I want you to feel the same way I do.”

“I understand, Cecil. I completely and actually understand this time. Ugh, you just wanted to be together and I brushed you away to gush about some silly science stuff. I am so sorry! I wish I could be home right now. I'm sorry I haven't been looking for doors home. I will seriously get on that tomorrow, seriously. I- I should have been doing that already. God, I’m sorry. I want to be home. I do feel the same way. I've missed… Oh, oh dear... We've spent our anniversary apart, Cecil, haven’t we. How can I make it up to you?”

“It's okay, Carlos. Sometimes we get invested in things, and forget to care about other things. I forgive you.”

“Really?”

Cecil is still mad, but he isn't lying when he says he forgives Carlos. It's not his fault that he's trapped in that other dimension, and he won't be able to be home instantly no matter how hard he is willing to try. He is definitely mad about the anniversary, but he doesn't see any use in bringing that up right now. Carlos truly feels sorry. The feelings of anger will pass. “Yes. I love you.” Cecil bites his lip, hovering delicately over the next set of words. “And … I'm sorry, too. I'm sorry for making you feel guilty about being interested in that other desert. I'm sorry for being jealous. I just want you home. I’m sorry if that’s selfish of me, but... It's been a really long time now and I just… I want to kiss you again. I want to hold you again.”

“I love you, too, Cecil. And it's okay to be jealous. It's okay to be mad. It's okay to be… anything you ever are. I love you no matter what.”

Cecil smiles, wiping up some of his spilling tears with the sleeve of his nightshirt.

“Now, Cecil?” Carlos is saying. His voice is like soft silk, a delicate, private whisper into Cecil’s ear, smooth; seductive; perfect.

“Yes, Carlos?”

“Tell me about your dream. I want to hear what fantastical truths your subconscious makes up about me when I’m not around.”

In another time, in another place, Carlos the scientist is lying down in the cool sand, unwashed sandy hair falling into his face as he stares up at a velvety, purple sky. His one hand rests on his knee, the other clutches dearly to a cell phone at his ear. The desert, vast and all-knowing, spans out wide and far in all directions around him. He pays no mind to this. His full focus and attention is on the smooth baritone voice drawling into his ear. He pictures the images from Cecil’s fantasy with awe, and a vague twinge of melancholy. He smiles, delighted, showing off teeth that are like a military cemetery.

Back home, in the other time and place, Cecil Palmer is yawning. His cheeks are decorated with a deep blush as he rambles embarrassing and personal stories into the distant ear of one that he loves. They talk until the latest hours of the night; until sunlight starts to stream in through the curtains of Cecil's window, too happy and too afraid to let the other hang up.

[thoughtslikeocean]

July 6, 2021

I'm back again. Stressed as shit. Maybe not as shit. I've definitely had worse. Also, I should really calm down. Cause half of this is out of my control anyway.

Let's start with the fact that Bernita shockingly died Friday afternoon. Yup... On, Mason's birthday. No one other than super immediate family knew she was even that sick in the first place. So of course to the rest of the fam, it was very sudden and shocking.

In true med school fashion, it's super stressful when someone dies. Making last accomodations is a mess. Missing shift, emailing professors, scheduling makes ups... it's all a lot. Not to mention my hair was kind of a mess because I'd just taken my braids out, I spent a lot of money and June and didnt have the extra to spend on a flight home, Im gonna miss the actual service because my flight doesn't get in until Thursday night. That sucks but I booked the flight anyway because Arial wanted us to be there for the weekend. She's not the type to ask for emotional support so I know when she says things like that she really means it.

With that being said, because im missing this Friday, ill miss Nikki's wedding. I dont want to have to deal with missing two Fridays and having to make them up... PLUS I have an in class lab that is the same weekend as Nikki's wedding that makes that turn around trip that much more stressful. So I need to find sometime soon to message her and let her know that I cant be there to celebrate with her. Ugh. Unfortunate because I really wanted to go. More importantly, I wanted to go with bae! But that trip literally just dissolved before my eyes.

I need a massage. My neck is so tense. (Also probably because I got my hair done today) but I still really need a massage. I had such a ripping and running the last 3 days and a few more to come so im just ready to get back into a settled routine with my body. The up and down for too long is a lot on me.

There are just some day where I feel like everyone has an attitude and usually those days when im on the with the attitude that doing a good job of projecting. I got pissed at Rhyann twice today. Both times because I felt like he wasn't talking enough. Both times he was seemingly tired. He has no idea. I didnt say anything because I felt like the problem was me. So I just decided to get off the phone with him both times. in peace. no attitude. I just felt annoyed and didnt want to create problems where there were none.

--I started typing about all the things that I feel like he's not doing and decided to backspace it. I'm not putting that type of negativity I the air just cause im having a moment today. He's probably doing fine. I'm just extremely hormonal right now. --

Its 11:27 PM. And I need to wake up early, around 6 to bring my car to the dealership. I'm finally getting my A/C fixed. Along with trying to figure out why check engine light is on. Hopefully, my dad's card is in the mail when I check in the morning so that I can pay for all of these things.

I took a nap when I got back from my hair appointment so im not extremely sleepy. But I really want to get up, smoke eat something light but good and then lay down and listen to meditation music while I fall asleep. Only thing I have in the fridge right now is left over spaghetti and thats too heavy I feel like for the night time. I'm out of cereal and ramen. I could eat a salad but I dont feel like boiling the eggs. I think I just want a hug and cuddles. Both of which I cant get right now.

I could just make a small bowl of oatmeal. That usually sits on the stomach pretty well. Drink a ton of water, smoke, maybe even take a few drops of my sleep tincture and relax into the bed. We will have released this tension by morning.

[voidwizerd-archive]

[[ "Shall we play a game?” Kankri Vantas, hurt and resentful but still in love.

part two of Wiz/Kankri logs!! the questions game ]]

valorousimperial What's your favorite color?

wiz-texts ...purple. especially dark pink n blue are tied for second

valorousimperial Your turn.

wiz-texts you mean i ask you one?

valorousimperial Yes.

wiz-texts well there we go thats it ....kiddin

valorousimperial Shh. I laughed.

wiz-texts what bout your favorite color?? i promise i wont jus be stealin your questions but colors is a good one

valorousimperial Blue, like indigo bloods. It doesn't really fit with the theme of the crown, though. The color just seems peaceful.

wiz-texts yea!!! yea indigo blue is real pretty your turn

valorousimperial If you could go anywhere, where would you go?

wiz-texts oh gosh if....... if there was a way to just.... stand on top of everythin n watch..... all of it roll out in front of you........ i would do that maybe that sounds like some kinda crazy god fantasy but i just think itd be really beautiful but since that prolly aint a doable thing

valorousimperial Considering you're some kind of crazy god, maybe it is.

wiz-texts maybe but my alternate answer would be a garden a huge huuuuuuuuuuuuge garden, w everythin in it!!!! or near everythin i love plants so much

valorousimperial Your lilacs are still overrunning mine.

wiz-texts >:0 theyre misbehavin?!!! i better give em a talkin to they aint usually growin outta their spot so, um, if you remember your dreams.... whats your favorite thing youve ever dreamed about??? for whatever reason, ha

valorousimperial They got so big!!! Mmm... My favorite dream is the one that came true. When I was young, I dreamed of freedom.

wiz-texts n you got it?

valorousimperial I don't know if I'm free. There's a lot of binding about being the emperor.

valorousimperial But at that time, freedom meant being out of my donor's control. I *did* get that.

wiz-texts holy shit thats.... thats wonderful. im so glad you got that maybe...... hm

valorousimperial ?

wiz-texts just a thought. i... hm im scared its a hurtful one so i should prolly just.... keep it to myself for now

valorousimperial If you want.

wiz-texts fuck knows you deserve a break but not yet because uh, your turn to ask a question

valorousimperial If you could change one thing that happened to you, what would you change and how?

wiz-texts ha. loaded question

valorousimperial Doesn't have to be recent.

wiz-texts problem is i dont remember like......... a lot of things. most things i cant remember what th event wouldve been but it had to have started somewhere

wiz-texts th first time my friends ever hurt me. if i could, id change it so id never have believed it was my fault

valorousimperial That's a good thing to want to change.

valorousimperial I think your whole life would have went very differently.

wiz-texts id be different thats for sure maybe less scared i guess th important thing is that i did realize it wasnt my fault or more likely someone told me bc i..... do not come easily to realizations like that on my own

valorousimperial (It was me.)

wiz-texts ....oh thats. huh. so i guess..... i still remember things i learned from you wonder what else there is um!! whats your favorite myth? or folk tale??

valorousimperial Mmmm... That's hard. Fantasy was all I had when I was growing up, so I know a lot of things. I think that probably my favorite stories were the ones that didn't have lessons - they were just full of people doing what they wanted So, ancient mythology really caught my eye. It made the gods seem troll-like, and they just did what they wanted.

wiz-texts oooooh :0

wiz-texts i keep feelin like i oughta look more at myths because so many are bout gods n thats sorta? what i am i guess??? its nice to seem em bein regular but like. actin regular except w mighty powers i guess, ha

valorousimperial Right.

wiz-texts this question thing is sorta fun actually did we play it before??

valorousimperial I agree! No!

wiz-texts we shouldve!!!!!! its.... its a fun sorta way to get to kno each other anyway um, your turn....

valorousimperial I'm thinking...

wiz-texts think fasterrrr im kiddin. take your time

valorousimperial If you could go any*when* and change any*thing* with no horrific consequences, What would it be? It doesn't even have to be something related to you, Just. Something that you want to be different.

wiz-texts well frankly i would go back to last night n smash my goddamn phone [[<BACKSPACE! BACKSPACE!!! ]] gee um all of time is a rough one to pick from

wiz-texts if theres an event that couldve stopped th game from happenin, thats what id go for but then maybe i wouldnt exist???? idk. exchangin me n a few others to save multiple universes seems like a fair trade ....whoa thats a grim answer. oops

valorousimperial From what I've heard of the game, it's not that simple. So many universes wouldn't have been *born* then, right?

wiz-texts not really. they kill a universe and in theory you get to make one maybe..... one in several million sessions actually ends in created universe

valorousimperial I thought it was only one planet that was supposed to be destroyed?

wiz-texts nah they wreck th whole shebang ....i think most of th game is fuzzy between th violence n alcohol my turn!!!!

valorousimperial Your turn!!!

wiz-texts this is sorta silly but i keep thinkin bout it so here goes: do you ever paint your nails??? if you do or dont, what colors do you think youd like?

valorousimperial I do! Lots of trolls paint their claws.

wiz-texts (that totally aint two questions its one question in.... two parts. with a bunch of extra question marks)

valorousimperial It's seen as an accentuating thing, as claws are a vital part of troll standards of beauty.

wiz-texts ooohhhhh :0

valorousimperial My favorites are matte red and metallic gold.

valorousimperial Mm... What's your favorite sort of thing to wear?

wiz-texts mm?

valorousimperial Like, Do you have a favorite type of clothing?

wiz-texts hmm.... button-up shirts. they can be comfy or stylish and i guess accessories that go w that?? though ive only recently started experimentin like watches n bow ties n cuff links also: gold rings. fr some reason i have a bunch: i think there was a party?? i vaguely recall there bein a party

valorousimperial I've had you at a few parties. Do you know how recently it was?

wiz-texts real recent. i think th rings went w a suit?? yyyyea this red n black one

wiz-texts hm. i never really thought of red as my color

valorousimperial Auriel's party.

valorousimperial It matched my suit.

wiz-texts oh my god i promise i didnt mean to diss th color red!!!! i jus figured since i already got th pink thing goin, itd b a bit too much??? so i never wore it ...guess i changed my mind

valorousimperial You came to the party as my quadrant, so you probably decided to just match me.

wiz-texts speakin of clothes, um.... i hope this is an okay question do u wear gloves a lot or somethin???? i know i never rly do but there are a bunch of gloves in my sylladex

valorousimperial ...

wiz-texts all like, really nice material n stuff. black or white. some are gray. um. are they yours??

valorousimperial Oh. They're for my psionic. I always forget gloves, but whenever I touch other people, I feel their emotions. I guess you were preparing for me.

wiz-texts i guess so... ill um, ill keep em in th 'dex if thats alright. in case you need em n im round.....

valorousimperial Alright. ... What were you thinking earlier?

wiz-texts heck

valorousimperial Sorry.

wiz-texts thats kinda... um sorry in advance if this is upsettin?? sorry

valorousimperial I know I said I wouldn't ask, but the curiosity is killing me.

wiz-texts what you were sayin bout freedom made me wonder if.... if maybe freedom had somethin to do with why i made that choice

valorousimperial ... Free of what? Of me?

wiz-texts no!!!! no i mean th scars!! they can be....... bindin

wiz-texts in a real bad way

valorousimperial ...mm. I know about that.

wiz-texts you do???

valorousimperial Yes.

wiz-texts im kinda surprised, i thought round here scars are considered attractive n all that

valorousimperial They are.

wiz-texts (...did you tell me that?)

valorousimperial (Yes.)

wiz-texts (okay)

wiz-texts um... whose turn is it??

valorousimperial It's mine.

wiz-texts oh okay

valorousimperial Wait, No, it's yours.

wiz-texts 0o0 tbh i shoulda asked this first because Super Important what....... is........ your opinion on purrbeasts?

valorousimperial !! We went on a date to a cat cafe

valorousimperial I brought home four of them!

wiz-texts you took me to a cat cafe?? :0

valorousimperial You took ME to a cat cafe!

wiz-texts *what* no way.... where did i get that kinda initiative omfg more importantly!!! there's FOUR MORE KITTIES round here somewhere????? i gotta meet emmm

valorousimperial ?? Shouldn't you remember the cats? They love you.

wiz-texts i guess they were too close to you. i mean now that i think bout it i sorta remember???? but its fuzzy like th ball w that Auriel lady

valorousimperial Their names are Mushik, Halmim, Romila, and Vessin.

wiz-texts that sounds bout right..... yea, bout right i took you out to a cat cafe n you adopted four. wow your turrrn

valorousimperial My question WAS going to be if you DID remember the cat cafe, but that answers that. What's your favorite dessert?

wiz-texts i think it might be milkshakes!! i only tried em recently but theyre super yummy (least favorite is anythin with squash. especially pumpkin)

valorousimperial (Even pumpkin spice milkshakes?)

wiz-texts (i ate nothin but pumpkins for so long....... so so long =_="")

wiz-texts what is........... your favorite..... veggie dish

valorousimperial I really like peas...

wiz-texts omg theyre sweet!

valorousimperial But they get stuck in my teeth

wiz-texts 0-0

valorousimperial The little casings do. The same with corn.

wiz-texts that reminds me of my next question but its ur turn first

valorousimperial What should always be on a sandwich?

wiz-texts food

valorousimperial Hah.

wiz-texts but meat i guess????? though i really like tomatoes tomatoes ARE the red ones right

wiz-texts n when th leaves r all crispy!!!! they taste sweetish n refreshin somehow??? idk i jus like it im just buildin a whole sandwich at this rate

wiz-texts mmm.......

wiz-texts what kinda teeth do you have?

valorousimperial Two rows of something awfully sharklike!

[[ Several Hours In The Future, Because I Heckin Fell Asleep... ]]

wiz-texts ....fallin asleep without rememberin that you even laid down is a surreal dang feelin

valorousimperial I know, right? I passed out without realizing I'd closed my eyes...

wiz-texts yea i had..... felt like some kinda multiple row thing was goin on. otherwise that mark in my shoulder wouldnt make as much sense also because peas stuck in shark teeth is a funny mental image

valorousimperial Shoosh!!

wiz-texts ha so, your turn if um. if were still playin

valorousimperial Hmm.. What's your favorite texture?

wiz-texts dang uh...... thats actually super hard bc i love experimentin with all kinds of textures

wiz-texts i guess my favorite.... kind? of texture? that would be stuff that feels soft like kitty fur!! purrbeast i mean

valorousimperial Why do you keep saying that??

wiz-texts sayin what

valorousimperial Purrbeast You, uh. You know that cat is the normally recognized word, don't you?

wiz-texts oh!

valorousimperial I've been saying cat,

wiz-texts no ive just heard purrbeast n meowbeast used by trolls a bunch so i figured itd be considerate to switch when im talkin to trolls.....

valorousimperial Oh.

wiz-texts ive been tryin to make it a habit...... well now i just feel silly, ha

valorousimperial ' - beast' is generally lowblood vernacular Which I'm trying to phase out by providing better education. Descriptive naming is a habit that trolls without access to worthwhile education picked up so they could communicate ideas.

wiz-texts whoa. i had no idea

valorousimperial I mean, honestly, Mituna still adamantly calls the meowbeasts, so you do what you like, but We do call them cats. So if you don't want to, you don't have to correct yourself, and most trolls will still know what you mean.

wiz-texts huh. okay thanks for th lesson there

valorousimperial Happy to!

wiz-texts so..... my turn.....

valorousimperial It is!

wiz-texts do you want to meet today? it um. its okay if you dont, of course

valorousimperial Mm... We probably should.

wiz-texts so youre.... youre okay w that?

valorousimperial Yes, but Not RIGHT this second, if you don't mind...

wiz-texts oh um, right. of course so... when, then?

valorousimperial It's just that I have a guest right now So maybe not too long, maybe an hour or so.

wiz-texts oh!! oh right, okay. wouldnt wanna impose or nothin, of course

valorousimperial Hours in the future, but like one: -------------------- Okay, I'm ready.

wiz-texts me too. comin back now

valorousimperial You said that before. Except now I can't say 'the hall between my block and yours' because you'll get lost now.

wiz-texts oops

valorousimperial So, I'll just Come to yours.

wiz-texts alright. im still headin over so i guess well see who shows up first

[ipushedthewrongbutton]

Skyrim is such a fun game??? But also surprisingly emotional

it’s been more or less since the game came out that i played it. I don’t even know how many years but long enough for me to not remember anything but the literal first scene, so i decided, since we’re in quarantine and all, this would be the perfect time to start over and finally at least finish the main quest.  back when i first played, my english wasn’t great so i didnt understand upgrading or taking random quests from random npc’s so i mostly went along where the lil white arrows told me to go.

NOW THO, i can upgrade weapons, gear, i can actually understand alchemy and enchanting, i can do as many useless quests as i want and i have the internet at my disposal in case i was too stoopid to figure out the next step myself.

Started out great, clicked the wrong button while picking a name and so instead  of pressing the backspace button, i confirmed my male breton’s name as Prisoner, for the rest of the fucking game. He looks like a sweetheart tho who’s always confused, thin and wiry, ponytail, can’t grow a beard to save his life but he has a scar under his eye. He’s amnesiac, was arrested at the border, has no fucking clue what he was doing there.

I didn’t wanna think up a backstory, hence...

I immediately decided, fuck it, i ain’t fighting this civil war, I’m a breton, y’all nords do whatever the fuck u want. And i stayed with that. I briefly thought about choosing a side depending on whose point resonated with me more. Turns out, neither point is entirely valid. One side has no respect of history and culture, the other side is racist. So Prisoner was neutral for the entirety of the game. Neither Ulfric nor Tulius got any attention from this homie.

What did receive attention tho was the main quest and boi, i know everyone hates chosen one stories. And they’re right. But man, i love chosen one stories. And my baby boi is the dragonborn and he’s like ?????? And everyone is like “you defeat dragons and you are the hero everyone waited for” and my dude is like ????? Ok??? Sure?????? And he just goes to places and helps as many people as possible on the way. 

Fuckin, the best thing was sideplots happening BY ACCIDENT. Prisoner goes on a quest to murder a shitty orphanage keeper, goes to tell the kid who commissioned him, he feels pretty okay about it. Then he gets The Letter. “we know” with a black handprint. And the shit that left my body at that moment, could’ve started a new nation. I mean, i had a 35 damage weapon at that point and i had slain my, what, fifth dragon at that point so i wasn’t worried about dying from assassins but THE INTIMIDATION WORKED. 

LITTLE DID PRISONER KNOW that this would be the biggest emotional rollercoaster in the goddamn game, no lie. Being the chosen one, sure. Defeating dragons that will cause the apocalypse, no pressure. Become thane of a city, aight. But THEN I GET KIDNAPPED IN MY BRANDNEW HOME AND I WAKE UP IN A SHACK WITH A LIL LADY TELLING ME TO KILL ONE OF THREE PEOPLE. THE FEAR I EXPERIENCED... but then they recruited me, and they’re all really cute colourful characters and we’re assassins and we’re the black brotherhood and we kill people for a living but we’re a Family. And my baby boi character had yet to experience anything like that. Sure the greybeards are mentor-ish but Prisoner never lived up on High Hrothgar amongst the old dudes. The blades did a roadtrip thing which was fun but then they kinda just squatted in their new headquarters and sent Prisoner on his merry way. But this, they had a sleeping place and a dining hall and a lil garden and the werewolf man gave me insulting nicknames and there’s a little girl who says she’s a vampire and to this day, I’m still not sure if she was telling the tRUTH OR NOT. 

AND THEN, AND THEN, the whole emperor thing happens, right, and that’s fucking hilarious. Prisoner with a chef’s head, i was cackling like a madman. And then AND THEN, THE BETRAYAL. ASTRID SAYS there’ll be a surprise up on the lil walkway bridge thing. And then there’s no one. AND THEN THERE’S SOLDIERS TELLING ME THEY’RE AMBUSHING HQ. AND I LOST. MY. SHIT. The thing wouldn’t let me fat travel either because the soldiers kept chasing me and i thought i was gonna have to ride Shadowmere all the way to the other side of skyrim, hysteric and worried about mY FAmILy. AND THEN i arrive at hq and there’s on of them PINNED TO THE TREE and like, guys. Guys. I was crying and full on immersion, i was like “nobody leaves here alive”, it was horrific, I didn’t do any of the stealthing, i just ripped them apart with my draugr greatsword, i already leveled up to the point where i cut my enemies’ heads off, it was glorious. It was so emotional, seeing werewolf man get killed, HE GAVE ME INSULTING NICKNAMES OKAY, and then finding Nazir and then hiding in a fucking coffin with a corpse who’s then like, trying to sooth me??  it was so emotional and i was crying tears of goddamn grief, i was Prisoner and Prisoner was me. The line between fantasy and reality: gone. I had spent HOURS upon DAYS on this game at this point, there was no going back.

hoo

..

So then i killed the emperor, and the reacting of the land was “...hm?” And i killed the general captain dude personal, like, optional my ass, i was gonna murder that shithead optional or not.

So i bought a house. In whiterun. It’s called breezehome (that’s not a choice) and I instantly decided if i ever get my own place, I’m calling it breezehome. I really hesitated about getting a house, since Prisoner is a nomad and constantly on the road, plus, has a “””””home””’”’” with the blades and other places in other quests. But then i decided it takes too much frigging effort to get all my loot sold cus all the pawnbrokers are pawn broke (HAH) and i can only sell them like a few gems and that’s it. And i needed a place to store all that shit, plus, i was going nuts from my collection of keys on my person aaaaaand i needed like a drawer to chuck em all in. And so that’s what i diiiiiiid. I later got the place in solitude too to finish the thane quest there but i literally only used the mannequins in the basement for my brotherhood and nightingale outfits. Which i both have worn literally once and then i just went with my guild outfit. 46 armor is good fuckin armor and the best i owned the entire game. Added some fire resistant shoes and suddenly dragons were super easy to defeat. I also found dragonbane somewhere, i literally only used it to wack dragons when they run aground. Otherwise i switched between a bow and a greatsword, both with the power of stealing health. Glorious. I was invincible. Well, with that and the power of Strategically Running Away. 

I thought it was weird my guy never got the choice of being a leader of literally anything. I mean, thane is an honorary title so you can do whatever you want and not get shit for it, like the privileged fucks we all are, but arch-mage when i only entered the school like last week? Head of the thief’s guild after going on 2 assignments, one of them being the chasing and murdering of the previous one? Never got the choice, was just like “you’re perfect for that” and me “‘I’m LITERALLY the least qualified person im this entire province!” Also i has a flute on my person at all times, bard’s college never taught me how to play it, the bastard’s, all they did was send me on errand in dusty cAVES. AT LEAST IN ASSASSIN’S CREED YOU HAVE TO CHASE THE SHANTIES IN ORDER TO PERFORM THE SHANTIES. 

Then the husband thing.

I knew there was an option to get married and adopt. I don’t want kids, in game or out. But i am disgustingly lonely (especially after the massacre of the black brotherhood) in game or out, so i looked it up and SURE ENOUGH, SAME SEX MARRIAGE IS DELISIOUSLY LEGAL IN SKYRIM, OH BLESSED DAY. Things i learned with this: i cannot handle flirting. It was cute and Prisoner and Falkar are adorable but I CRINGE, A LOT. 

Honestly, the most i personally had with this was envisioning Prisoner finally leaving for Sovngarde (after putting it off for as long as possible) and giving his final goodbye to his brand new husband like, caressing each other’s cheeks and holding each other’s shoulders, “i promise I’ll be home again soon” “and if you don’t, i will find you in sovngarde” “keep the hearth warm while I’m gone” “keep your sword sharp, you always forget to redo the enchantments” “‘don’t neglect the companions just because you wanna housewife” just sacharine as. Fuck. They were in bed togeher the night before, just talking about useless shit and holding each other t was very PG. And then after defeating Alduin, Prisoner finds himself back in Skyrim, relieved that it’s all fucking over at long fucking last, and he climbs on Shadowmere’s back, tired, and rides back home. When he arrives in Whiterun, tired and weathered, he spots Falkar just returning from a mission, he’s also travel weary and just unlocked the door to breezehome. He spots Prisoner and Shadowmere entering through the gates. They pause, they look at each other like they’ve been apart for years instead of days. Falkar drops his back, Prisoner gets off the horse and suddenly they’re running towards each other, till they smack together and they’re just holding each other, it’s the best hug ever. 

Aaaaand that’s kinda where i left it. I have more companion missions but i physically can’t get myself to do them because i feel the story is over, there’s no point. I can also still pick which side of the civil war i wanna take but it would be extremely out of character now.  it’s weird, i feel like crying again. I invested so much time in this story and these characters with so little effort. Cus usually, writing my own stories, it takes effort to develop and build them. Here, all i had to do was make choices and kill the bad guys. And I don’t want to say goodbye even though i feel like there’s nothing more to add.

[zevonandwaits]

3, 4, 5, 6, 9, 10, 11, 17, 19, 22, 28, 30, 32, 33, 44, 47, 49, 50, 55, 56, 65, 68, 69, 72, 75, 76, 77, 79, 81, 82, 86, 87, 88, 89, 90, 93, 95, 100, 101, 107, 108, 115, 116, 117, 118, 119, 121, 122, 127, 128, 133, 138, 139, 142, 146, 148, 149, 150 YIKES I'm a nosy bitch good luck! :*

okay i FINALLY have the time to answer these (i think, i’m just bored in poli sci rn but still)

3. Who are you looking forward to seeing?

hmm……maybe i think it’s my parents, they’re coming to visit me on easter and that’s a while away but i can’t wait. also i can’t wait to see my friends from home over summer break (less than 2 months!!)

4. Are you easy to get along with?

honestly i think i’m too easy to get along with. i’ve been kind of a doormat my whole life because i’m afraid of confrontation and hurting people. that’s gonna change though. slowly, but surely it will change. 

5. If you were drunk would the person you like take care of you?

i don’t like like anybody right now….but i love my friends (like you) and i know for sure that they would

6. What kind of people are you attracted to?

i guess people who don’t know how to treat me right. 

9. Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable?

HAHA yes i’m such a prude i always have to work myself up when i want to bring up the topic of sex with someone. i feel so awkward about what’s tmi, or about potentially grossing someone out, idk. sex is weird. let’s ban it (jk let’s not)

10. Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with?

I think it was you 

11. What does the most recent text that you sent say?

“Because they didnt put it up before” i’m currently freaking out to my parents because my college just decided NOW to notify me of a past due balance for this strep test that they made me take even though i looked on the site a few days ago and it wasn’t up there so i couldn’t pay it i hate them sometimes they’re so dumb (them being the school and their bad notification skills)

17. Do you think there is life on other planets?

YEA and it’s exciting i just hope they don’t kill us

19. Do you like bubble baths?

nah son idk don’t kill me but i just don’t like baths in general i’d rather shower 

22. Where would you like to travel?

lol i’m so basic but lately i’ve really been wanting to go to disney world, i haven’t been there in ages and i really miss it

28. Who are you most comfortable around?

honestly? myself

people give me anxiety i’m always scared of being judged 

30. Do you ever want to get married?

yeah someday if there’s somebody that i want to marry enough. i don’t think it’s essential though it’s foolish to get married for the sake of getting married so

32. Which celebrities would you have a threesome with?

aaaaAAAA this is such an awkward question idk!??!?!?!? uhhhh???? 

happiness and love is my final answer 

33. Spell your name with your chin.

omfg i’m in class rn

i’ll come back to this

okay

vic tkerua mjrsano

44. Trip to outer space or bottom of the ocean?

outer space ftw

some fish are really scary tbh

47. Have you ever been high?

nah son

49. Have you done anything recently that you hope nobody finds out about?

well if i hope nobody finds out about it, what good is it to answer this question? ;)

50. What was the colour of the last hoodie you wore?

coincidence! i’m wearing a hoodie right now! it’s light blue, my class color, and of course it’s a bryn mawr hoodie

55. Favourite blog?

honestly it’s kinda like a celebrity blog but all her posts are perfect and i really look up to her and support her because she is very lovely and perfect so uh here’s the link if you wanna check her out

56. Favourite colour?

sky blue

65. Are you hungry right now?

trick question i’m always hungry

68. Twitter or Tumblr?

i mean i like tumblr (unfortunately) but sometimes i go on twitter because there’s a user on there whose tweets are all gold here’s the link if you wanna see

69. Are you watching tv right now?

nah i’m just not paying attention in class

72. What colour are your towels?

the ones i have at college are dark blue but the ones i have at home are light blue

75. Favourite animal?

heckin cattos frn

76. What colour is your underwear?

pink lmao

77. Chocolate or Vanilla?

omfg chocolate all the way, i hate vanilla stuff. vanilla ice cream is nasty tbh

i like vanilla in baking but still chocolate is better

79. What colour shirt are you wearing?

it’s my aforementioned light blue bryn mawr hoodie

81. Favourite tv show?

i think you know the answer to this one ;)

82. Favourite movie?

benny and joon it’s so underrated but i’ve seen it like 30 times since i was like 14

86. Favourite character from Finding Nemo?

squishy

87. First person you talked to today?

maybe my roommate? i honestly don’t remember i havent talked to many people today i had a bad dream and i’ve been groggy and grumpy ever since

88. Last person you talked to today?

my friend sitting next to me

89. Name a person you hate?

donald trump

90. Name a person you love?

YOU

93. How many sweatpants do you have?

honestly? this is such a disappointing answer but none! i want them though i just…..don’t have any

95. Last movie you watched?

begin again and i love you for suggesting it to me

100. How are you feeling?

healthy. 

101. Do you type fast?

kinda, but i type very inaccurately so that kinda reduces my speed because i always have to backspace and retype stuff

107. Have you ever been on a horse?

yeah! i rode a horse in peru last year but i can’t ride horses and my horses name was diablo and he was a literal diablo and he kept running whenever he felt like it and it was very scary

108. What should you be doing?

probably paying attention but this class is optional today and shes not really saying anything important so w/e

115. Do you play the Wii?

i used to! it’s so old now though it’s become crotchety and i only use it for netflix now lmao 

how things change, i used to be obsessed with it

116. Are you listening to music right now?

just the lovely monotony of my professor’s voice 

117. Do you like chicken noodle soup?

yeah! i had some last night as i was watching begin again

118. Do you like Chinese food?

YEA honestly one of my fave things in life

119. Favourite book?

Flowers for Algernon come on addie you already asked me this ;)

121. Are you mean?

no but i should start to be in certain situations

122. Is cheating ever okay?

NO. that is a 100000% dealbreaker imo. if your s/o cheats it means that you’re not important enough to them and they don’t care about your feelings like at all so leave. 

127. What makes you happy?

YOU

(and cats)

(and friends/family)

(and curling up and watching a movie/reading a book)

128. Would you change your name?

ehhh i mean i’m not a fan of my name but i feel like changing it would be such a hassle between the legal stuff and then people calling me by the wrong name or whatever, i don’t think it’s worth it

133. Favourite lyrics right now?

I should have known you’d bid me farewellThere’s a lesson to be learned from this and I learned it very wellNow I know you’re not the only starfish in the seaIf I never hear your name again, it’s all the same to me

And I think it’s gonna be all rightYeah, the worst is over nowThe mornin’ sun is shinin’ like a red rubber ball

thank u 2 pol simon

also i think u know why

138. Curly or Straight hair?

well my hair is curly but i really wish it were straight when im struggling with it lmao

i like curly hair though, when it’s nOT UNMANAGEABLE

139. Brunette or Blonde?

i always seem to prefer brunette guys tbh. 

but my favorite person is blonde so idk ;)

142. Favourite month?

july. i love the heat and not having responsibilities 

also i just realized my favorite person was born in july ;*

146. Was today a good day?

i mean it wasn’t bad

but it wasn’t like amazing

it was alright i guess

148. What’s your favourite quote?

this was said by someone i admire very much: 

“YIKES I’m a nosy bitch good luck!”

i don’t agree but i admire her

149. Do you believe in ghosts?

nah. i hope i didn’t anger the ghost that supposedly lives in my dorm but nah. 

150. Get the closest book next to you, open it to page 42, what’s the first line on that page?

that would be the book i’m reading for anthro and it is: 

“But where I come from, women don’t call out to men”

Pakistani gender roles ig