#i didnt eat dinner last night and all i’ve had to eat today is coffee and a cup of fruit

[ghoulfr13nd]

sobbing

[shytiff]

Small Dec Wins

i cant believe its December already tf?!?!?!

1 - poli KIA today. saw a mother who cant feel the movement of their baby. the senior midwife tried to find the baby’s heart beat but not finding it. she said she hopes she were wrong. fell asleep at 3pm-ish, woke up super hungry. ate. i swear i feel like my weight when i measured it this morning was ~52, but after eating its close to 54 lol. eating banana and chocolate nextar is yummm. dalbang today is hella funny as always and suuper endearing. fell asleep after dalbang, didnt study hufttt

2 - today im at igd but joined azkia at vk for a bit to see partus. its not that im scared (maybe not consciously) but when the mom was being stitched i felt lightheaded, nausea, cold extremities, and i even had to squat multiple times because i couldnt stand. But i felt better after the partus so maybe seeing it was the cause. I did not feel scared at all honestly ._. and i’ve seen multiple partus before. i dont know why. i can literally feel my symphatetic tone giving out lmaoo. tried matcha latte with Cy matcha powder. it tasted more milky and grassy. mom thought it tasted like nori. i prever cocodeli alll the way (although Cy is cheaper). i think it also has a bit of caffeine that made me feel awake like a normal person should be. 

3 - today is vk but there’s no patient so thank god i saw sumn yesterday. did some cicil ukmppd in the morning accompanied by matcha latte. tried to order dufan tickets and i couldnt find my damn ktp...... fell asleep after worrying about said ktp

4 - matcha latte in the car, swab at lmk, went to dufan by tj with willy, had quite some funn with atikah nila willy amel pupuy. first time trying kereta misteri, quite fun. it rained after ashar so we didnt ride anything after that. turns out my ktp was at barel’s fotocopy lmaoo thankyou ara for picking it. went to solaria ancol afterwards, picked up by mom. i didnt tell her in the morning that i was going to dufan lmao. plenary @ zoom 19 pm. rapat nemo. fell asleep.

5 - went to lmk by tj to surprise clara. went back home and fell asleep. didnt rly do anything afterwards because this ragged body gets tired easily and i dont eat much recently. i can feel the difference before and after eating and there’s actual energy after eating. its not that im hungry though, but i feel less energized. felt annoyed terrible and just wanna lay in bed (this is unrelated with the less food in my system). even though i met up with friends

6 - after LOTS of sleeping i feel somehow better but not to a ‘normal’ amount. watched kimbab family videos. did power vinyasa by doogether with fianti. took a shower and ate indomie and i felt quite normal, except i slept again wtf. i thought i would have the second half of the day but nah. did self tryouts with fianti, 150 FDI questions. I got 96/150 right. huft. such a great reality check

7 - poli lansia with dokter isip, matcha latte in the afternoon rly helps me not sleeping the day away, packed up for depok

8 - poli umum with dr gita (helped doing phys exam), packed the rest of my stuff, ate some risol and matcha lattteee in the car, took swab results, picked up hazmats etc, zoom discussion with FT PKM Kalideres (dr gita) on the way, and i finally arrived at tamel. dinner is granola with vsoy. Taste like a slightly wet granola bar, nutty fiber-y vibe

9 - walked in ui with ara, managed to jog from the trees near st ui until kuburan bikun wow. i reached that point where my leg and heart were going in a steady unburdened pace and my willpower to keep going on was tested. tried the signature steak in Double U Steak by Chef Widi, while ara tried ribeye. the ribeye was more tender than the signature. but the seasoning in the signature is quite delish, salty and oily without being too much (like futago ya). read poppyland fast pass from ara’s phone omg season 1 is finally complete! went to coftof (omgggg i miss this place), it looks different now. ordered matcha latte and it tasted weirdly like a soy milk although ara doesnt feel that way. the matcha tasted weird. wont repurchase. read chainsaw man, its so entertaining, funny and deep at the same time. denji mess around and be too naive sometimes but hes lowkey hot lmaooo. aki is lovvvvve.

10 - first day at rsud budhi asih. had moesli combined with granola + vsoy for brekkie. went back to tamel at 3 pm. it rained when i got back. bought warteg lugina worth 32k. walked to sbux for tumbler day its been a while since i had their matcha latte. it tasted quite good, but not as good as i remembered (?) maybe bcs i asked for non fat milk. sbux closes at 8 pm for now hikss

11 - left tamel at about 7:10 and arrived on budhi asih at 08:54 yalll the traffic. Icu. Bought eatlah double and ate the salted egg part. Nap. ICU discussion with dr Dedi @8pm. I presented from my phone to save data hehe,,

12 - woke up at 8, eatlah brown butter for brekkie, symcard, saladstop's caesar salad for lunch (quite 'eneg' because i didnt eat the cheese evenly so the chicken and cheese were eaten last after the vegs are out. The vegetable's not that variative, and the non vegs make the salad taste delicious (albeit maybe not THAT healthy). Evening jog @UI and i realized i can get wifi sitting near the lake n library. Stared at the night sky from my room, i swear the sky seems super clear. Saw tiny fireworks in the distance

13 - ate muesli and saladstop’s banana walnut cake, symcard, bought moon chicken and saladpoint. lunch was egg salad and the wings. the original tasted so good like??? maybe i havent had msg for a while. also tried big bang, not too spicy which is nice. cicil ukmppd. put my laundry at buih barel lmaoo. try out with fianti. got 70/100

14 - breakfast was salad and leftover chicken. today was bangsal with angga armand. the geriatric patient has a loud murmur yall (and scoliosis, so much that the heart looks distorted). went to margo city to see sales, but when i think about it id rather just thrift stuff lmao. bought lugina. slept through kuliah guru besar. writing this in yellow truck coffee, that had 2 customers on the 1st floor including me. tried banana milk. yall after trying to drink less sugar the beverage tasted super sweet. my headache just goes away. sugar is magic but unhealthy whyyyyy.

15 - igd siang with indah. This body sure is frail. Did cbd with dr afifah AND rescheduled pleno. Rip mobile data i have to use for hotspot.

16 - ok today. Inserted goedel and did bagging. I bagged the patient the wrong way at first (too much). Thankfully the nurses were kind and taught us a lot :) watched some bts content. I feel like after reading househusband my tiktok page is now immensely funnier. Dalbang is also hilarious as always. Put on ginseng sheet mask (smells quite strong)

17 - bangsal. snacked on fried chicken. matcha latte starbucks (turns out its quite full here) and liqo about keeping our tongues in check

18 - arrived at icu. And then opened line. Turns out hadin's swab is positive, so agung kak iman and me have to isolate and swab. So i went back. Ordered kanayam chicken and fish and tempe. Nasi liwet tasted goood damn. Sleptt in the afternoon. Pleno at 4 pm (entered the room 4:30). Had no motivation to do anything. Azkia is getting married! Spent 20 mins formulating words to congratulate her lmaoo

19 - osce simulation, kak nanu was so kind and encouraging. Did try out solid. Lunch is fish bite pasta with melted cheese (cause i had to reach the minimum amount for promo). It got cold so its not that good (pairing it with self made mentai sauce, mixing the mayo and chili, is way much better). Jogged in ui (and searched for wifi). Approached by someone selling haraus coffee (25k), saying that some earnings will be for charity. Its basically sweet. Can barely taste the coffee.

20 - had kanayam for lunch (brekkie is almost always muesli lately). The nasi liwet tasted much better the first time. Walked to yellow truck coffee in the pouring rain. Got banana milk. Saw webinar ksk (electrolyte correction and dr nadhira talkshow). What i got from it is that, dr nadhira is a different person from the first place. Shes visionary, knows what she want and not afraid to reach it. The mindset is different. Even if i try as hard as her, her propensity to growth is different. Cicil ukmppd. Try out with fianti (got 72/100). Talked for an hour about love and marriage and engagements (there are so much of it lately)

21 - leftover kanayam for brekkie, also ate roti salman in cikini st. swab today (met kris, nessa and others). muesli for lunch. i thought my body felt a bit warm, so i decided to find sumn to eat. tried kedai abu bakar’s spaghetti brulee. its okay. maybe because its not too cheesy or meaty, mainly bechamel sauce. the one pupuy made is much tastier. finished the whole 10x20 portion in 2 eating sesh. cicil ukmppd @ bed in the evening (somehow felt refreshed enough to be able to concentrate in bed)

22 - went early to icu to put dops form. lugina for early lunch. i feel like my metabolism is faster? or my body is not so much in calorie deficit mode anymore and it got greedier lmao i used to just ignore hunger but not now, for health. starbiiies tumbler day. ordered black tea latte with non fat milk and vanilla syrup (because raspberry syrup is no more). did cbd geri ppt. 

23 - finally knew the swab result bcs kak iman asked kak farras. thankfully negative. igd with jordi. quite a few chances to do iv line, but i failed 2 times. managed to do iv injection to insert 2 drugs. saw the worst cpr ive ever seen in my life. its too slow, with maximal interruption. fish bite for lunch. wasted the rest of my day

24 - originally intended to run but i cant bring myself out of bed. packed up my stuff. picked up by mom. got the paper result of swab, got ksk from kelvyn @ capitol. can finally drink self-made matcha latte again, but it tasted horrible. i know cy matcha doesnt have that much going on, but even this is low even for them. previously i was starting to get used to the grassy smell.

25 - my lil bro remarked “maybe shes depressed because she doesnt have her chair”. fuck yall. this “depression” that im in is caused by this very place and the people. and im supposed to still muster the strength to study for ukmppd AND get my face together for solid book photoshoot. that shit is too much. this is why the money that goes to cafe, and the bike ride there is worth it for my sanity. after showering, things felt a bit better. had absolutely no will to study today. ate muesli with a bit of matcha latte.

26 - muesli for breakfast. matcha latte is lyfff ive probably said this before but it ~somehow~ makes me feel normal and not in a slump. like im a regular person. with normal moods. and not wanting to sleep all the time. i try to do ukmppd exercises but the pace is so fucking slow, bcs im distracted by get rich haha,,,. the latest potn update (64) is omgggg the mixed feelings? love? hate? anger? everything and nothing? the ~tension and passion~? im obsessed. watched a ton of bts content today and yesterday lmao.

27 - nasi kebuli for brekkie. went to flavola, im the first customer lmao. tried kopi susu coklat, tasted quite close enough to janjiw’s kopi soklat. had the same ~improved mood and concentration~ effect. tried to read ksk. bought milky banana 1L from puyo to give dajen (its his bday yesterday) (i feel prompted (?) to gift people when theyve given a present to me) (because my love lang is not gift giving at all so i barely think abt gifts lmao). talked with sum 33 ipa guys @ dajens house. yay appropriate amount of social battery charging. tryout with fianti, padi this time. got 67/100. 

28 - ate muesli with matcha latte after breakfast. cicil ukmppd. Listened to yoongi's vlive until i fell asleep lol. 2 burger and salad for dinner. omggg hansol revealed his gf. 

29 - spent half of my day tidying up the mess that is my room. figured out what to wear for solid book photoshoot with fianti, ara. matcha latte terosss. phd for dinner. 

30 - breakfast is muesli with cimory choco hazelnut. mom made matcha chocolate brownies. tryna study. slow pace terosss. read some padi materials. dalbang.

31 - bought vsoy low sugar and multigrain. moved my body a bit to youtube videos. showered. felt better. it also rained (which i love). the pleasant mood only lasted til the evening. did nothing from 7pm even though im not sleepy. cant tell when did i start to sleep

and just like that, 2020 kkeut. its sad to say i dont rly remember much remarkable things this year. other than the trip and memories with minor rotation friends. i just remember wasting my life away in my house. i guess that’s the danger of living a monotone life. sometimes you gotta invest some time to have fun, to have motivation to live on and do things. not doing this makes it difficult to live day by day. and friends. meeting friends, seeing new stuff. that helps me live. 

[perseus-jacks]

tagged by @syndullastars​ thank you !! ♡

on a scale of 1-10, how excited are you about life right now? I want to say 7, but its probably more like a 4.5

describe yourself in a hashtag? #i’llsleepwheni’mdead (#overlycaffinated applies too) 

if you could do a love scene with anyone, who would it be? such a tough question... either Timothée chalamet or  Gavin Leatherwood 

if your life was a musical, what would the marquee say? biggest goofball in the town

what’s one thing people don’t know about you?  that I care waaaaaay too much about what others think 

what’s your wake up ritual? shower, brush teeth, wash face, get dressed, cook breakfast/make coffee and then read 

what’s your go to bed ritual? pick out clothes for the morning, brush teeth, wash face, write agenda for the upcoming day

what’s your favorite time of day? I would say late at night, like at 2am when im the only one up and I can already hear birds chirping outside my window.

your go to for having a good laugh? YouTube videos (commentaries, reviews, and even my fave books as vines) 

dream country to visit? Switzerland 

what’s the biggest surprise you’ve ever had? my life isnt full of surprises, sadly.  I guess when I was able to live and study in Oxford for two days (I honestly didnt know if I could, it was a mess) 

heels or flats/sneakers? sneakers

vintage or new? vintage for sure

who do you want to write your obituary? my sister 

style icon?  a mix of Cher from clueless and Monica Geller, with a hint of my sister’s style ( I draw my inspo from many people ok) 

what are three things you cannot live without?  friends, my books, my laptop

what’s one ingredient you put in everything? sugar

what 3 people living or dead would you want to make dinner for? my mom, my sister, and oddly enough,, van Gough (it would be interesting to share a meal/convo with him)

what’s your biggest fear in life? failing / not living up to my family’s expectations of me

window or aisle seat? Aisle. I love day dreaming while looking out the window, but the aisle is a matter of convince 

what’s your current tv obsession? Outer Banks, and I'm trying to get into Anne with an E too 

favorite app? Spotify, it houses all my music, and thus, a source of happiness. 

secret talent? I can quote every episode of Friends word for word

most adventurous thing you’ve ever done in your life? Spent my spring break in Spain 

how would you define yourself in three words? perceptive, passionate,   witty

favorite piece of clothing you own? My distressed Shawn Mendes tour T-shirt ( wear like 3 times a week) 

a must have clothing item that everyone should have? a black turtle neck 

a superpower you would want? telepathy/compulsion

what’s inspiring you in life right now? writers and storytellers

best piece of advice you’ve received? sometimes the best thing to do is take risks without fear of the consequences 

best advice you’d give your teenage self? stop worrying so much about what others think and speak you mind always 

a book everyone should read? Jane Eyre 

what would you like to be remembered for? being a good friend

how do you define beauty? Beauty cant be defined. It's everywhere and in everyone. 

what do you love most about your body? My eyes

best way to take a rest/decompress? lounging around and reading with a coffee in hand, or cruising with the windows down with my friends/fam

favorite place to view art? the Met in nyc

if your life was a song, what would the title be? Smile 

if you could master one instrument, what would it be? guitar 

if you had a tattoo, where would it be? a small crescent moon behind my ear or on the part of my hand that is in-between my thumb and index finger

dolphins or koalas? dolphins !!

what’s your spirit animal? an owl

best gift you’ve ever received? a pretty, vintage looking necklace 

best gift you’ve given? I made a friendship timecapsule for my friend when she moved away, and every two weeks or so she would tell me how it cheered her up

what’s your favorite board game?  monopoly 

what’s your favorite color? cornflower blue

least favorite color? burnt orange (sorry Peeta) 

diamond or pearls? diamonds 

drugstore makeup or designer? drugstore, it does the job

pilates or yoga? hip-hop yoga

coffee or tea? coffee 

what’s the weirdest word in the english language? canoodle, moot

dark chocolate or milk chocolate?both stairs or elevators? stairs, i hate elevators

summer or winter? both

you are stuck on an island, you can pick one food to eat forever without getting tired of it, what would you eat? just the thought of that makes me tired of every single food in existence lol

a dessert you don’t like? anything fancy

a skill you’re working on mastering? life drawing and general storyboarding stuff, for school and career purposes

best thing to happen to you today? the clone wars finale :((((

worst thing to happen to you today? also the clone wars finale :((((

best compliment you’ve ever received? a few of my friends have told me that i always know exactly what to say, and that makes me happy bc i try very hard to understand them and be what they need so i’m glad it pays off

favorite smell? pine trees and snow on the air, but also sunscreen and the sea

hugs or kisses? hugs

if you made a documentary, what would it be about? the evolution and  highlights of reality tv; its fun to watch but has serious implications if you look closely enough

last piece of content you consumed that made you cry? Wall-E

lipstick or lipgloss? lipgloss

sweet or savory? sweet

girl crush? Jenna Coleman 

how do you know you’re in love? i’ve only been in love once and it was a very fledgling thing but it was like, they’re always on your mind, seeing them is like a thunderclap to your heart, you want to be near them and laugh with them, you constantly wonder what they think of you (like the littlest thing), you care about how they see you, time with them feels like nothing and everything 

a song you can listen to on repeat? Golden by Harry Styles + Dust Your Pocket by Glass Animals 

if you could switch lives with someone for a day, who would it be? whoever is dating Gavin Leatherwood, I just want to know what thats like (even if its for a day)

what are you most excited for/about this time in your life? Im excited for law school actually and moving out west

this is long so i’ll just tag a few: @maxons  @wizardra @vikingthors @oceanvs @thorne( feel free to ignore ofc ♡ )

[i-looktothe-stars]

thanks @s-ongbir-d for tagging me!!

1) what is the colour of your hairbrush?

pink and green

2) what's a food you never eat?

mushrooms are awful and I hate them

3) are you typically too warm or too cold?

I'm usually really cold, my friends joke that I can't thermoregulate because I'll be wearing 5 layers (including 2 jumpers and a coat) and still be shivering)

4) what were you doing 45 minutes ago?

listening to the latest episode of rusty quill gaming! I binged it all in...less than a week(? idk time doesn't exist anymore) so now it's frustrating having to wait for new episodes

5) what's your favourite chocolate bar?

crunchies are top tier and I will fight about that if I have to

6) have you ever been to a professional sports event?

nope! my mum wanted to get tickets to the olympics in 2012 though

7) what's the last thing you said out loud?

"all the doors are open now" (I was singing along to red signal okay)

8) what's your favourite ice cream?

okay the Ben and Jerry's ice cream with the caramel in the middle is So Good, but I also like mint chocolate and coffee (not together obviously)

9) what's the last thing you had to drink?

...probably a blackberry tea this morning? (it's 8pm. hydration? I don't know her)

10) do you like your wallet?

ehhh it's fine, it's just this embroidered black purse with a zip. its juuust big enough to keep my card, train tickets, and some physical money, so it's good enough. I don't really need a bigger one

11) what was the last thing you ate?

I'm snacking on jaffa cakes as I write this

12) did you buy any new clothes in the last week?

for once, yes! I bought the very cool and sexy new magnus merch. unfortunately it's too big so I need to send it back and get a smaller size :/

13) what was the last sporting event you watched?

uhhh idk probably the races at my school's sports day 3 years ago? I skipped two of them because sports day is The Worst, then y11 ended early so I didnt have to watch it

14) what's your favourite flavour of popcorn?

my friends hate me for it but I looove salty popcorn. I can't stand toffee because it's the only one my sister likes, so I got sick of it when we had to share during movie nights when we were younger. (same with ham and pineapple pizza)

15) who was the last person you sent a message to?

my dnd discord! love you guys 💜

16) ever go camping?

my dad lives in wales so yes. a lot. it's fun when it's not raining?

17) do you take vitamins?

no but I probably should

18) do you go to church on sundays?

nope, I've only ever been to church for christingle services with brownies/guides, and that was mostly for the orange with sweets on it

19) do you have a tan?

ahahahahah no, I look like a dying victorian child. last time I tanned, it was because I got sunburned at pride and I had tan lines around my glasses

20) do you prefer chinese food or pizza?

love me some chinese takeaway! (although spicy meat feast pizzas are also very good)

21) do you drink soda with a straw?

only at fast food places, although I usually get iced tea instead of something fizzy

22) what colour socks do you wear?

I have multiple pairs of this one kind of grey fluffy socks, that's like basically half my sock drawer. the rest are either black, or super brightly coloured

23) do you ever drive over the speed limit?

I can't drive yet so no. i was supposed to get lessons for my birthday in march but uhh. that couldn't happen for obvious reasons. i probably wouldn't though? because the speed limit is a Rule and breaking a Rule is Bad

24) what terrifies you?

going outside, phone calls, answering questions in class, windows at night ("because what if there's Something there?")... more like what doesn't terrify me? although honestly, I'm not scared by horror media, as long as it doesn't have any jumpscares

25) look to your left! what do you see?

my book collection! (specifically my regular sized paperbacks. I have a pretty weird organisation system? I split paperbacks and hardbacks, then sort by size, colour and alphabetically by title in that order)

26) what chore do you hate?

washing up. Wet Food Bad

27) what do you think of when you hear an australian accent?

australia I guess? idk, what else would i think of

28) what's your favourite soda?

probably apple tango? I don't really drink anything fizzy. except sparkling water because it's great fuck you

29) do you prefer going into fast food places or using the drive through?

none of my friends can drive yet either so going in

30) who was the last person you talked to?

my mum, she wanted me to come and look at the pond she made today

31) what's your favourite cut of beef?

I don't know?? I don't ask what cut it is when I have beef, I just eat it

32) what's the last song you listened to?

red signal by the mechanisms, because sometimes you just need a little bit of eldritch chanting to make everything okay

33) what's the last book you read?

stuff matters by mark miodownik! it's about material science and it's one of my favourite books

34) can you say the alphabet backwards?

lol no what kind of sorcery--

35) how do you like your coffee?

2 sugars and a bit of milk, but I prefer those sweet iced coffees you get at tesco. those were basically the only things getting me through sixth form until quarantine happened

36) what's your favourite pair of shoes?

ok I currently only have 2 pairs, my black and white trainers and a pair of heels that I haven't worn since new year 2019. so the trainers I guess

37) what time do you normally go to bed?

I usually go to bed around 10, but i stay up at least until midnight, usually closer to 2 am

38) what time do you normally wake up?

for school I wake up at 6:30 and get up at 7, because I physically can't get out of bed until I've snoozed my alarm at least 3 times. although at the moment,,,,,,,,,,,probably around 10:30? I set alarms to try and keep some kind of structure... and then sleep through them

39) do you prefer sunrises or sunsets?

absolutely sunsets. I live about 10 mins away from the beach, so watching the sky change colour and the stars come out as the sun sets over the sea, with a mug of fruit tea warming my hands... fantastic

40) how many blankets are on your bed?

just one, but I have wayyy too many pillows

41) describe your dinner plates

my parents just get plain black or white sets from ikea or wherever

42) what's your favourite alcoholic beverage?

I Am A Minor And I Have Never Drunk Alcohol I Don't Even Know What Alcohol Is Ha Ha Ha

43) do you play cards?

no, although I used to play solitaire A Lot because it was one of the only games I had on my shitty purple ipod

44) what colour is your car?

train coloured (I don't have a car yet)

45) can you change a tire?

nope

46) what's your favourite province?

I'm english what does this mean

47) what's your favourite job you've had?

I've only really had 3 jobs: I answered the phone when my parents ran a takeaway from home, I work in their cafe every now and again doing washing up or sometimes waitressing, and I used to have a paper round. I Do Not like any of them, but the second is probably my favourite

48) what's the biggest scar you've got?

a surgery scar from my appendectomy 6 years ago,,,,,,,,,,,,I thought it was just really bad food poisoning for maybe an entire week

49) how have you made someone happy today?

I hope I made my friends happy? I really enjoy talking to all of you in our discord server, y'all make me smile so much and I hope I can return the favour

i tag @johnathansims @spookyhetero and @two-am-art if y'all want to get involved

[nowhereiswhereibelong]

73 Questions

I mas tagged by: @mrs-machinegun-norris about two centuries ago sorry

On a scale of 1-10, how excited are you about life right now?

• 5

Describe yourself in a hashtag?

• #sadbicht

• Cause I'm a bad bicht you can't kill me, only I do that

If you could do a love scene with anyone, who would it be?

• Aaron Taylor-Johnson

• Colson Backer

If your life was a musical, what would the marquee say?

• The crazy bisexual is on the loose

What’s one thing people don’t know about you?

• That I cant handle silence

What’s your wake up ritual?

• All my cats and family yells at me till I roll of take my meds and stare at the wall till I'm late

What’s your go to bed ritual?

• Make sure I cleaned the litter box and that my cats have food and water then is up to bed and reading anything and everything till I fall a sleep

What’s your favourite time of day?

• Night time (I get the zoomies), or when I'm home alone

Your go to for having a good laugh?

• I really like comedy and some that make me laugh even when I watched 1000 times: John Mulaney, Daniel Sloss, Russel Howard and Sarah Millican

Dream country to visit?

• As many as I can! I have an extensive list

What’s the biggest surprise you’ve had?

• Last semester 3 professors at university were really supportive and understanding and I didnt expect them to be so kind or belive in me that much.

Heels or flats/sneakers?

• Sneakers everywhere all the time for any given reason

Vintage or new?

• Vintage bits and pisses of different eras but late 80s early 90s give me live

• And I'm obsessed with 70s buildings dont know why

Who do you want to write your obituary?

• An creative stranger - go nuts dude freak people out

Style icon?

• dont have one I guess

What are three things you can’t live without?

• My cats

• My phone

• My guitar

What’s one ingredient you put in everything?

• I'm crazy about mustard

• My dad always says anything salivary can be better with cheese and anything sweet be better with chocolate - not that far from the truth

What 3 people living or dead would you like to make dinner for?

• Elvis Presley

• Jane Fonda

• Janis Joplin

What’s your biggest fear in life?

• Failure

• The dark

Window or aisle seat?

• Window: you can look at the view, it's better for sleeping and during the day sunlight for reading

What’s your current TV obsession?

• A have many, it's a problem, but right now mind hunter

Favourite app?

• Instagram and tumblr

Secret talent?

• I like to lie to myself and say acting but maybe just weirdly good at pretending to be good at things (ain't that the joke huh)

Most adventurous thing you’ve done in your life?

• I would say it was dumb, stupid and streamly dangerous but when I was 16 a friend and I went to some guys house in a very weird neighborhood and lied to our parents about it and only 1 other friend new (also our taxi couldn't find the house). We meet those two guys at a friends party and they said that they were throwing one and that we should go, and our dumb selfdestruting alcohol hunting minds though, why not. It was not a party. It was just a hang out with us and one other guy and to this day I dont know how we left at 7am (the only way to get out of there was the first bus because uber wasn't a thing yet and me and my friend were to scared of what kind taxi driver we would find) unharmed and not sexually harassed, given that one of the dudes that our friends new more hated me for a few months for not putting out for him, cause you know, men.

• I'm absolutely sure they wanted a sex party that didnt happen. But I did show my unasked skills of knowing every single black veil brides lyrics.

How would you define yourself in three words?

• Anxious

• Laud

• Loyal

Favourite piece of clothing you own?

• The stolen 80s tshirts from my dad

• High waisted shorts

Must have clothing item everyone should have?

• A comfortable pair of jean shorts that you feel pretty in

Superpower you would want?

• To stop time

• I get to anxious trying to time manage and it just snowballs from there. And sleeping in without being always late.

What’s inspiring you in life right now?

• Machine Gun Kelly (I stared listening to his stuff a few months ago)

• But always and forever is the passion that moves people

Best piece of advice you’ve received?

• Be/do to other people what you wanted to be done for you

Best advice you’d give your teenage self?

• It's not just on your head it's a real thing, you're lot alone, and it ok to need help.

A book that everyone should read?

• Harry Potter: that even thou I have read multiple times it still is amazing and full of symbolism that people brush through some times.

• Women who run with the wolves by Clarissa Pinkola Estés

• My older sister made me start this book and its absolutely live changing and I belive should be obligatory to all women in this world. This book is a live long work by this psychologist and through miths, legends, folk tales and stories she puts together what she calls the wild women archetype and what is the feminine instinct is and how those tales teach us about it and how to have a healthy relationship with her.

What would you like to be remembered for?

• For being kind

How do you define beauty?

• It's an powerfull force within

What do you ~love most~ only love about your body?

• The shape of my eyes

Best way to take a rest/decompress?

• Listening to music and dancing around

Favourite place to view art?

• I dont understand sorry

If your life were a song, what would the title be?

• Static supernova

If you could master one instrument, what would it be?

• Guitar and piano cant choose only one

If you had a tattoo, where would it be?

• My planned ones:

• Orca

• Felix felicis

• Tree

• Mother earth

• Penicillin allergy (I dont trust nobody)

Dolphins or koalas?

• Dolphins

• Did you y'all know that orcas not only aren't whales but belong on the same family as dolphins?

What’s your spirit animal?

• Orca

Best gift you’ve ever received?

• My cats (even thou there are rescues they're my little special gifts from nature)

Best gift you’ve ever given?

• On my best friend wedding my friend and I gave a performance as siluetes (it was private beach and all the light were off and we had the car headlights behind us) I played the song you are in love by taylor swift while she did an beautiful performance on silks the song represented their relationship and how she shared it if us in a very sacred way and the silks was a representation of her herself and how the 3 of us saw in the last few years her transformation from a very broken person to the women she was born to be.

• Yes we were crying the hole time but was the most genuine and beautiful think I ever done so yeah

What’s your favourite board game?

• Dix it, its awesome go play it pls

What’s your favourite colour?

• Petrol blue

Least favourite colour?

• The color of lentil soup my mom makes it looks like a baby have serious digestive problems

Diamonds or pearls?

• Diamonds of the symbolic value of "the pressure that could've break us made us into diamonds insted"

Drugstore makeup or designer?

• Drugstore makeup, the one I know that are real brands hauahauahs

Blow-dry or air-dry?

• Air-dry

Pilates or yoga?

• Pilates even thou I must prefer sports mostly

Coffee or tea?

• My blood is coffee at this point

What’s the weirdest word in the English language?

• Wolrd, because English is not my first language and specially in an American accent the pronunciation of wolrd if simply the worst and is absolutely obnoxious and unsettling.

Dark chocolate or milk chocolate?

• Dark

• But my absolut favored is a 70% cacao white chocolate. It's incredible but I only got to buy it twice :(

Stairs or elevator?

• Stairs, I also love to sit on them

Summer or winter?

• Winter. I only like heat if I'm inside very cold water

You are stuck on an island, you can pick one food to eat forever without getting tired of it, what would you eat?

• If nutrition value doesn't matter, ice cream

A desert you don’t like?

• Orange cake. Bad memories and I vomit every time I try to eat it.

A skill you’re working on mastering?

• Singing and playing the guitar

Best thing to happen to you today?

• I think I made a online friend :D

Best compliment you’ve ever received?

• That I'm kind

Favourite smell?

• Buttering sugar

Hugs or kisses?

• Hugs i Iike to be permanently attached to some people at times

If you made a documentary, what would it be about?

• Domestic violence

• Parenting

Last piece of content you consumed that made you cry?

• Today I was trying to play this song called Ronan and cryed my eyes out like all the other times I tried before It's a song of child cancer in the mother's perspective

Lipstick or lip gloss?

• Lipstick

• I'm a red matte lip stan

Sweet or savoury?

• Sweet

Girl crush?

• Billie Elish

How you know you’re in love?

• The only time I think I've been in love I only realised it because they left and I didnt understand why i was severely hurt by it and changed the way I created all relationships after that. And then it hit me

• So pain and heartache.... yeah that's depressing as shit

Song you can listen to on repeat?

• When the sun goes down - Arctic Monkeys

If you could switch lives with someone for a day who would it be?

• My own self but not a anxious depressed mess just to feel what it's like

What are you most excited about at this time in your life?

• That I dont need to make decisions

[titubaaaaa]

The tangerine

So today, October 26 2019 marks the first day i have been COMPLETELY binge free. Quick history with me, i’ve always been overweight, never once skinny. Since elementrery school ive been on diets. In high school i took up eating and throwing up to lose weight which was minimally effective, but effective. That lasted all through college. Then, i got into fasting. It helped me lose weight, but i fucked with my mental health so much that fasting made things worse. I then began to binge every night for two years and couldnt stop. Binges occured at night for me, around 2-3 am when i woke up and needed a quick way to fall asleep. it first occured when i was heavily restricting my calories and eliminating any form of sugar. Id wake up, eat only a scoop of protein powder (dry) because i was despirate for sweets, then it escilated to oreos, to 4 sweet mexican breads and ¼ a gallon of milk every night followed by resticting heavily the next day because i felt like ass.

Its been rough. Ive lost weight and gained it, and for over two years now i’ve been battling every night with binge eating. I’d cry, id hit my self everytime it happened and call myself mean names.

its crazy though, because recently the binge eating slowly became over eating, eating only a few cookies and some milk when i woke up (still, about 500 calories more daily than I wanted to eat) i minded it, but i knew it was slow progress and expected to gain some more weight.

But finally yesterday i woke up and only ate a tangerine. This is a huge mile stone for me. I dont consider that over eating at all and im happy. Yesterday i didnt restrict myself, i ate a nice breakfast at IHOP (about 1500 calories) burned about 200 running, and had some iced coffee (300 calories at most) and ate a late dinner of 2 bbq sliders, a couple of wings (like 3 or 4) and some sweet potato fries with a small spoonful of ice cream (1,200 - 1,500 calories) and in total for the day burned about 2,4000 calories.

I’m guestimating of course, and i may have gone a couple of calories above my daily intake but…i didnt have food anxiety. I didnt binge at night and didnt over eat or even indulge in a cookie. it was a tangerine. It was so exiting i decided to make a post on it on my old ass tumblr account which…i make continue to use for the sake of keeping myself on track. Here’s to a new day!

Ps..my medium shirts are starting to feel TIGHT, so yes, its about time i make healthy decisions in my life and conquer binge/overeating once and for all!!

pps, my lowest weight as an adult (im 22 now) has been 155. Heaviest 250. im probably around 177 right now, which im not sure of because i really dont want to weigh myself haha! But finally. I feel a little free (even though my clothes are fitting a little tighter than usual :) )

[italian-shitstorm]

20 with mako ;)

Oh girl!!!!! I was so excited to get this because I wanted to do something with angst and hurt and make it sad!! but i didnt???? and some how i wrote a story about Christmas even though it’s almost summer????? anyway thank you!! And sorry in advance. I started writing this then I spent the day at my friends house and finished it and felt like i used 2 different writing styles so whoops (also this is a not that Mako’s birthday is December 18th so this starts a couple days after)

“I want to go home…”

Michael unlocked the door and walked into the quiet apartment. It was late at night and the christmas tree wasn’t on so they had to reach their hand out to turn on a lamp on the side table. Calling out softly, they wondered if Bentley was still up late working or if he had gone to bed already. Everyone seemed asleep except for Shutter who meowed at them and came to rub up against their legs. Kneeling down Michael sighed and pet the cat and picked him up, cradling him close and giving him a kiss. Not being home for the past three days made them worry the cats would forget who they were.

Feeling exhaustion drag them down, they made their way into the bedroom where Bentley was loudly snoring and all sprawled out across the bed. Sitting on the bed, they reached over and kissed Bentley softly on the cheek. Feeling tears threaten to spill for the millionth time, they snuggled up close to Bentley and tried to take a couple deep breaths to calm themselves. Everything just seemed to be piled so high on their plate that it felt overwhelming and Michael wasn’t sure how much more they could take.

Hot tears slid down their face and soaked into their boyfriend’s shirt. All of the tiredness and anxiety from the day seemed to melt away and they continued to cry. A few more minutes went by before they really started feeling sleep drag them under. Before long they were fast asleep, arm wrapped tightly around Bentley’s waist and eyes puffy from crying.

The next day, Michael woke up with the sun in their eyes and one of the cats laying on their chest. Rubbing at blurry eyes, they looked around and felt slightly disoriented. Reaching over to grab the cellphone that they had forgotten to charge overnight they saw a message from Bentley and realized they had slept until after noon. Trying to sit up, muscles groaned in protest from being too sore and their head began to throb with a growing headache. Groaning, they laid back down and let Shutter cuddle back up against their side.

After an hour or so of no relief they went to find some medicine for the pain throughout their body and maybe to get a shower. Moving about the apartment sluggishly Michael realized they hadn’t read Bentley’s text message yet. Tears threatened to spill again as they read the message saying Bentley would be gone all day and probably wouldn’t be back home until late tonight.

Leaning against the kitchen counter, Michael tried to close their eyes and take a couple deep breaths. They knew that it was the stress of work and the holidays making them so emotional, but it was really starting to become overwhelming. Today was the first day home from work in three days and here they were all alone. Michael couldn’t even remember the last time they had a full conversation with Bentley in person. Soon it would be Christmas and they weren’t even sure what exactly they were doing for the holidays. Everything seemed to be falling apart and an overwhelming sense of loneliness and sadness washed over them.

While they waited for the phone to ring, they looked for some medicine and water hoping something might take the edge off of the headache that seemed to be getting worse.

“Hi honey! How are you? I’m so glad to hear from you!”

Hearing their mom’s voice on the other end of the phone just gave Michael so much relief that the tears started falling freely.

“Mako, baby, what’s wrong?” Concern filled their mom’s voice.

“I’m not sure, it’s really just a lot of things,” they sobbed.

Trying to pull themselves back together to form some coherent sentences, their mom tried to get some more information and calm them down.

After stumbling through a really quick summary of the emergency at work, the stress of the holidays, and not really even seeing or talking to Bentley, Michael tried to hold back as many tears as they could.

“Mom, I just really- I want to go home…”

Feeling the homesickness deep in their gut they had tried for so long to ignore it. They had plans to go visit family in a few months, but the feeling of being so far away was absolutely unbearable right now.

“I know baby, I miss you too so so much! But don’t worry, we’ll see each other soon. I promise.”

Unable to continue speaking, Mako was given instructions by their mom to go lay back down and get more sleep. The headache didn’t seem to be going away and they ended up going back to sleep instead of getting a shower.

Waking up again in a daze, their room was dim and they wondered if they had slept all day. Thankfully there was no more headache and their body didn’t seem as sore. Getting up they did a quick sweep around the house but Bentley was still not home. Sighing, they went to finally take a shower and was hoping to get something to eat afterwards.

When Michael finally got out of the shower, they heard a noise coming from the living room. Putting on fresh pajamas, they went out and saw Bentley sitting at his desk working on his laptop. He had his headphones on so he couldn’t hear Michael coming up behind him until they tapped on his shoulder.

Jumping slightly, he turned around quickly and smiled up at Michael, “Hey babe, how are you?”

Leaning down to kiss him on the cheek, Michael wrapped their arms around Bentley’s shoulders. “I’m hanging in there, I guess.”

Noticing the strain in their voice, Bentley turned away from his computer and looked up at his partner with worry. Michael noticed and tried to move away, but Bentley grabbed him by the hand.

“Whoa whoa whoa, you can’t just answer like that and then walk away.”

Instead of trying to pull away Michael just looked back at Bentley and asked if they could talk in the kitchen so they could get some food. As they both stood in the kitchen, Michael started on a quick dinner.

After explaining about missing their birthday, the stress from work and the holidays, Michael mentioned the call to their mom earlier. The homesickness weighed on their heart and they tried so hard not to start crying. There was a moment of silence before they continued.

“With everything going on right now, I just feel like you haven’t been home a lot or you have just been so busy with work that you haven’t had time to do anything.”

Bentley just stood there in silence, unsure of what to say. He knew it was true that he had been so busy with work lately, but he couldn’t help it.

“I tried so hard to get Christmas off from work so that we could spend time together and go to your friend’s house. But we haven’t wrapped any presents yet or done really anything Christmas-y lately. We didn’t even get to celebrate my birthday.” Michael really wasn’t mad, their voice was just sad and as they looked to Bentley for a reaction, he was just quiet and looked just as upset.

“And I know we both still have to work for the next couple days but do you think maybe we can do something together? I just miss you a lot and it feels like forever since I’ve really gotten to talk to you.”

Bentley nodded and grabbed Michael’s hand, “I know I’ve been really busy lately. And I promise that I will try to finish up this work as soon as possible so we can both have a great Christmas - we can even do something special for your birthday! We’ll make gingerbread houses or wear ugly sweaters or even get shitfaced on eggnog! Whatever Christmas-y things you want to do! Just give me a little more time for work and I promise that we’ll have a great Christmas.”

Not really sure what was really making them cry, Michael started to tear up as they hugged Bentley tightly. A little bit of the weight that was pressing down on their shoulders was gone and Michael hoped that maybe Christmas would be okay.

Mako sighed as he parked the car and closed his eyes for a moment. It was Christmas Eve and he felt so tired and wanted nothing more than to snuggle with Bentley and the cats and take a nap. All day at work he had been running around and trying his best to fight off the feeling of dread that lingered in the back of his mind. Ever since they had the talk, things hadn’t really changed. They ended up getting a small cake for his birthday and Bentley did get him a very nice watch that he wanted, but as for Christmas. Things still seemed out of hand.

Tomorrow they were supposed to meet everyone at Frank and Ethan’s house for a big dinner and presents, but at the moment, Mako really didn’t feel like he had the Christmas spirit to even enjoy it. And it’s not that he didn’t want to because he really did. Life just seemed to throw everything at him and it was really getting hard to stay happy and positive.

Getting out of the car, he grabbed his backpack and made his way to the apartment. As he got to the door he realized a fresh wreath was hanging on the door. It smelled of fresh pine and had a large red plaid bow tied neatly on the bottom. Confused Mako leaned in to smell it and feel the leaves. It was fresh and real but he had no memory of buying one or putting it on the door.

Trying the door knob, it was unlocked and he was shocked by what he saw inside. The thing that surprised him the most was that the house was immaculately clean. Everything was organized and more Christmas decorations were laid out on the coffee table. The tree was lit up brightly and to it’s left all of the stockings - even the cats’ small stockings -  were hung up on the wall. The aromatic smell of cloves and cinnamon hung in the air and he breathed deeply. A few candles were lit up on the high shelves and there were presents neatly arranged under the tree.

As if on cue all three cats came running out of the bedroom to see who ad come into the house. Each cat was wearing a different colored bow on their collar and Mako couldn’t help but kneel down and tell them all how handsome they were. Picking up Sokka, Mako looked up and saw Bentley come out of the bedroom as well wearing the tackiest Christmas sweater he had ever seen. He couldn’t help but laugh as Bentley walked over to him with something behind his back.

“Am I dreaming? What is going on here?” Mako asked as he leaned in for a kiss.

“I like to think this is what Hallmark would call a Christmas surprise. Part one of course,” he added at the end quickly.

“Part one? Out of how many parts? Why though?”

Bentley shrugged and the bells on his sweater jingled. Sokka reached out from Mako’s arms and tried to swat at the small bells. “If I’m being honest, I really owe you big time. For a lot.”

Mako looked down and gave a tired smile, “You really don’t though.”

Bentley rolled his eyes and swung his arms out to motion at all the decorations in the house, “Pfft, well you could have told me that earlier before I did all this!”

Looking back at Mako, Bentley had a genuine smile, “No, I really did owe you. I really wanted to do something special this year so I tried to take on some extra jobs to earn more money, but they took a lot longer than I thought and I got really overwhelmed. But I wanted to make sure you had a great Christmas.”

Revealing what was behind his back, Bentley handed Mako a Christmas sweater that was just as ugly as the one he was wearing. Laughing, he set the cat down and opened up the sweater to get a better look at it. It had lights that actually turned on and tinsel woven into the  actual fabric. It was so terrible that Mako loved it instantly. Feeling overwhelmed with love and appreciation, Mako started to cry and hugged his boyfriend tightly. Bentley peppered him with kisses all over his face and held him tightly.

“I love you so so much,” Bentley whispered.

“I love you too,” Mako sniffled.

After a moment they pulled apart from each other and Bentley couldn’t help but smile at how Mako tried to wipe away his tears. “Okay well let’s hurry up and take a shower and change because you smell like seaweed.”

Mako laughed but knew he probably did smell like he had been soaking in pond water all day.

“We have a tight agenda to stick to of making a gingerbread house, singing cheesy christmas carols, and making cookies. Also I heard we might have a visitor or two later, so chop chop!” Bentley said excitedly.

[japandiary]

5 random facts

hey! it’s been a while since i’ve blogged. 久しぶりですね。

if you’ve come here from my instagram, hello! you may have just finished my 5 random facts on my stories. as promised, here are 5 more random facts that i’m able to go in depth with since this platform allows me a little more room.

here goes:

1. i’m hypersensitive to caffeine. i didnt even realize it until i graduated college. i used to order venti iced coffees and even sometimes drink two redbulls a day during high school and college. once i cut so much caffeine (particularly coffee) from my routine, i realized a drop in my anxiety levels. caffeine definitely boosted my “good student” tendencies because deadlines always pushed me to try hard, while chugging a hazelnut latte at the same time. i still drink coffee (especially tea), but i carefully limit myself so that i’m not up all night with my mind running.

click below to read more

(photo credit)

2. “spiritual” topics interest me. i’m not a religious person and i am a bit of a skeptic when it comes to supernatural, paranormal, or extraterrestrial things, but when it comes to the idea of lucid dreaming, astral projection, and meditation, i’ll give it a good listen. the best example would be anything mind and body related, much like anything mentioned in avatar: the last airbender and the legend of korra, since i love both of those series so much.

(photo credit)

3. i’m afraid of bugs & afraid of heights. for as long as i could remember, i did not treat bugs like they were apart of my everyday life. every time i spotted a bug near me, a tiny part of me inside would freak out. once i moved to japan, i realized that i was afraid of bugs because my body is extremely allergic to any type of bug bite. i get high irritation and bruising after every bite. since my body is naturally high in temperature, it seems to attract more mosquitoes than the average person. i’ve gotten bad bug bites since i was little whenever i visited other places other than my hometown. so my fear for bugs stems from my fear of getting bit and having an allergic reaction. i was oblivious to this reasoning because i spent a majority of my life in las vegas, where there arent very many mosquitoes. in terms of heights, i really dont know why i’m afraid. i can fly on a plane, climb a ladder, but i cant do rock climbing. i guess you can say i’m really afraid of falling. when i went on a children’s rock climbing wall, i only went up halfway because i chickened out and was shaking with fear. one of my biggest fears is to die in a falling elevator shaft. still trying to find the origins of this fear of mine.

(photo credit)

4. i want to travel every continent. i strongly believe that my wanderlust and love for food is from watching the travel and food channel with my mom so much. while other kids changed the channels to cartoons, i grew up watching anthony bourdain, andrew zimmern, and alton brown. they taught me that open-mindedness for culture is key, food brings people together, and food preparation (manufacturing, cooking, decorating) is a long and hard-working process. i’m really happy that they influenced me to be the person that i am today, otherwise i wouldnt be here living in japan and setting goals to visit so many places i’ve never been to before.

(photo credit)

5. i’m really shy. when it comes to openly socializing and approaching others first, i’m extremely hesitant. since i moved schools often when i was younger, i was always faced with the inevitable fact that i had to try and make new friends. it was hard for me to keep friendships with kids my age growing up, but once i finally made longtime friends in high school, i really think they’ll be my friends for life! so once i make a friend, i’m very loyal to them. i’m still working over this anxiety that i feel when meeting new people.

bonus fact: 6. i love asmr & mukbangs. for some reason, i love watching people eat good food. sure, it makes me more hungry, but then it just gives me motivation to make a really good dinner later. i also love intricate sounds, so i especially like soap cutting videos along with mukbangs that feature crunchy foods. asmr “roleplay”s also help me fall asleep. it sounds really weird, but search it up and try it out!

those are my 5 random facts, in depth. thanks for reading! if you have any similar thoughts, please feel free to message me about it! ♡

[liliumwallichianum]

07.01.21

Happy July Y’all 

since therapy got cancelled today, here’s my brain dump/letter to my therapist 

Hi M******, thanks for cancelling today I really could not handle a therapy session LOL but most importantly why is it that I felt so bad for cancelling last minute to the point where I DIDNT EVEN CANCEL and just got lucky that you cancelled instead?! Like IM paying YOU I should be comfortable with just being like bye flaking today sorry. But yeah idk it’s that whole I need to be LESS polite and prioritize myself thing. anyways 

I feel...... good? and I’m gonna do two journal prompts to share with you but before I do that I just wanna say that I really start school/step studying for good in like 5 days and I’m scared because I don’t wanna be a fuck up and I wanna actually apply myself but I also know that the doctor is gonna tell me to go on some type of medication which like is fine with me at this point bc it’s STEP 1 this determines my entire career/future lifestyle so I’m willing to do anything at this point and lowkey kinda wish my mother had listened to the pediatrician that told her that I have ADD and shouldve gotten screened but whatever no ragrets focusing only on the future. Things I really need to do this time around 

1) prioritze me prioritize me prioritize me

2) ignore boys besides AL + AN maybe AK if he’s not being a cuck 

3) be fearless, be confident

4) stick to a routine

5) do not withdraw when burnt out, lean on your family for support instead

6) stop listening to music when studying lmfao

7) #1 again imma reiterate this please stop caring what’s going on w your parents just trust that they’ll figure it out and all they want is for you to be successful and they understand you gotta do what you gotta do 

okay journal prompts

#1 what would perfect day look like for you tomorrow? 

in an ideal world, i would for starters not be living with my parents. maybe i’d live next door to them? haha jk. okay i’d ideally wake up at 5:30am, hit the gym with a boo thang, grab a protein shake, come home shower get ready, meditate, make a matcha or a coffee, have an almond biscotti while reading or watching YT videos, head to a library, take 2 uworld blocks and get 85%+ on them, review them, eat a buddha bowl for lunch, finish studying by 4, go for a walk or hike with my puppy and boo thang, come home, make dinner with a glass of wine, eat dinner while watching a movie or tv show or whateva maybe have a friend or two come over too, maybe another glass of wine (or i guess kombucha because i’ve been loving a sober life now), have a night cap sex sesh, ktfo at 9:30pm 

i know i’m really boring but this is all i long for these days in my boring life

#2 list some emotions u avoid trying to feel + y do you avoid trying to feel them

failure, rejection, vulnerable

failure - this is for obvious reasons. i just dont wanna hear it from my parents lmfao 

rejection - again obvious i have an ego but tbh i dont think i avoid this, i think i just dont like feeling this way.. i’m kinda hella okay with rejection and understand it’s impossible to be everyone’s cup of tea

vulnerable - oh idk cause the last time i was vulnerable i was sexually traumatized and gas lighted and taken advantage of by a psycho narcissist ? obvious

 i like feeling SAFE if that wasn’t clear

[haroldstans-blog]

a tag my dudes

oi i was @shawnsmercy and @for-my-mind so thank you guys!

rules - answer these 85 questions and tag 20 people.

- what was your last...

1) drink - water

2) phone call - my friend annette

3) text message - asking a friend about the ap human geo homework hehe

4) song you listened to - sHe by zayn

5) time you cried - last night lmao

- have you ever...

6) dated someone twice? - plenty of times

7) kissed someone and regretted it? actually yeah it was pretty bad, we went for different kisses (yikes)

8) been cheated on? - nope

9) lost someone special? - yeah

10) been depressed? only mildly, now all i harbour is frustration and stress oops

11) gotten drunk and thrown up? - i mean i had like a shot and a half of straight vodka and that was my first and only time drinking alcohol and i was slightly buzzed and got a massive headache and my stomach was not handling it well and i did almost throw up but i didn’t! yeah, never again. dark times, dark times.

- fave colours

12) pale yellow/blue

13) iridescent

14) black, grey n white (you can never go wrong with ‘em!)

- in the last year have you...

15) made new friends? - actually yeah i have

16) fallen out of love? - yes ma’am

17) laughed until you cried? - it’s a daily thing

18) found out someone was talking about you? - yeah but it actually wasn’t in a bad way this time which makes me feel real good :)

19) met someone who changed you? - yeah

20) found out who your friends are?-  i mean i’ve been known who my friends are and the new friends i've made haven’t surprised me with anything crazy about them so i guess not

21) kissed someone on your facebook friends list? - oof people still use facebook?

22) how many of your facebook friends do you know irl? - i. don’t. use. that. shit.

23) do you have any pets? - YES AND HE’S A DOG AND I LOVE HIM WITH ALL MY HEART HES SO CURLY AND SOFT AND LOVELY

24) do you want to change your name? - eh, nah

25) what did you do for your last birthday? - we hung out at the pool n ate n shit

26) what time did you wake up today? 7am. thanks school, you fucker

27) what were you doing at midnight last night? - homework oops

28) what is something you can’t wait for? - for these stupid stitches to dissolve, for school to be over, for my summer australia trip, and for the niall horan concert in september

29) what is your favourite animal? - doggos (its basic and i really don’t care)

30) what are you listening to rn? - there for you by troye sivan (my boiiii)

31) have you ever talked to a person named tom? - uh, i think so

32) something that’s getting on your nerves - how much i procrastinate and these fucking stitches

33) most visited website - probably youtube

34) hair colour - dark brown, yes, DARK brown

35) long or short hair? - eh it's kinda short-medium 

36) do you have a crush on someone? - a big fat one

37) what do you like about yourself? - that i can make people laugh or smile or feel good about themselves and i also like my curly hair and ability to do eyebrows (ayeee)

38) want any piercings? - no more for now

39) blood type - oof i’ve never been told what mine is

40) nicknames - mimi, mandy, panda (my mom and brother call me panda just to piss me off lol)

41) relationship status - single but crushing real hard

42) sign - gemini, bitch

43) pronouns - she/her i guess but whatever you want is fine with me tbh

44) fave tv show - probably the vampire diaries or drake and josh or zoey 101

45) tattoos - not of legal age yet but i have 11 tattoo ideas saved on my phone so far so best believe my fast ass will be seated in that parlour chair when i’m 18

46) right or left handed - i’m actually ambidexterous

47) ever had a surgery? - literally had one earlier today

48) piercings - i’ve got the standard ear lobe piercings and a helix in my right ear

49) sport - swimming yUh fuck land sports

50) vacation - aUsTrAlIa (ah that looks so weird)

51) trainers - converse or adidas

- more general

52) eating - my stomach actually just started growling probably because i ate fucking ice cream for dinner and a quick jell-o snack bc of this fucking mouth surgery

53) drinking - i lOve lemonade im a lemonade hoe but i only fuck with that good juicy lemonade not that watered down shit oh and i also really love iced coffee but water’s good too

54) i’m about to watch - my grades plummet and my school year be ruined bc im doing this instead of homework and its 2am and now im freaking out bc i didnt even realise it was 2am friCk

55) waiting for - this shit to heal so i can use my upper lip properly and eat

56) want - harry styles tickets i mean he’s literally coming to a venue about 20 minutes from my house ON MY BIRTHDAY but there are literally no good seats left at a price i can afford and for school to end *deep SIGH*

57) get married - ???

58) career - i’m currently looking into the tech industry and being a software engineer or web developer or lowkey an actress or an internet personality but lord knows what my indecisive gemini ass is gonna wanna be next year

59) hugs or kisses - hugs are more comfortable

60) lips or eyes - the eyes are where it’s at

61) taller or shorter - i’m not sure what this is asking but i’m average height ?? idk but i’m 5′4 and i prefer taller but if your short i still really really love you plus my crush is really short and she’s the cutest thing ever

62) older or younger - i’m just now realising the previous question was about preference which i did answer but i also added some unneccesary detail and now im too lazy to change it but not lazy to type an also unnecessary paragraph anyway i prefer my guys older and my girls can be either i really don’t mind

63) nice arms or stomach - i really don’t care you can have both, one, or neither but none of that really matters if your personality’s shit

64) hookups or relationships - relationships

65) troublemaker or hesitant - i’m kinda both sometimes i’m hesitant and overthink a situation and end up getting myself into trouble anyway it’s stupid and doesn’t make sense but it happens

66) kissed a stranger - heck no

67) drank hard liquor - ye buddy and it wasn’t good

68) turned someone down - yup

69) sex on first date - haha i see what you did there, number 69. but no i’m still a virgin wassup

70) broken someone’s heart - god i hope not but i think i have

71) had your heart broken - that’s its current condition

72) been arrested - nope

73) cried when someone died - i’d be concerned if i didn’t

74) fallen for a friend - it’s the current news

- do you believe in

75) yourself - i don’t know, do i?

76) miracles - i really don’t know, maybe?

77) love at first sight - eh yeah

78) sanata claus - is this some kind of joke

79) angels - harry styles wants me to believe otherwise and i mean when i look at her i definitely see what you mean mr. styles

80) eye colour - brown but i got green contacts to spice it up a bit (they’re prescription though bc i’m blind as fuck)

81) best friends’ name - bianca, kaylyn, allison, and ashadé

82) favourite movie - the outsiders, grease, dunkirk (i mean), everything, everything, and love simon (oh and the 1d this is us movie even though i never saw it but 1d’s in it so it’s automatically good also remember harry in dunkirk?)

83) favourite actor - HARRY STYLES (im biased oops), amandla stenberg, nick robinson, ralph macchio, tom holland, zendaya, ian somerhalder, and katherine langford (i literally just spewed a bunch of names from movies i love oh well)

84) favourite cartoon - tom and jerry bc im real like that, the amazing world of gumball, steven universe, and we bare bears

85) favourite teacher’s name - uh, what

i don’t know 20 people so ima just tag some people off the top of my head, sorry if you were already tagged: @illumilitt @shawnmcuddles @shawnssweatshirt @pattinsonshawn and anyone else who wants to do it :)

[sprinkleofhappinessuniverse]

For The Love Of Dogs - Bucky x Reader

Prompt: I wasn't looking for anything serious. 

Summary: Bucky did not expect to be looking after a dog let alone catching feelings for the vet. 

Pairing: Bucky x Reader 

Tags/Warnings: Dogs! , Feelings, Fluff. 

Word Count: 3, 297

A/N: This is my entry for the lovely  @just-some-drabbles 4K follower challenge! Congrats you deserve every single one you're amazing! Sorry I took so long with it! Bucky and dogs are the true loves of my life. 

Bucky’s eyes flickered between the two men standing in front of him. He wasn't sure who he wanted to kill more.

Sam had the audacity to stand there smirking at Steve who was sitting on Bucky’s couch, giggles erupting from his mouth as a large labrador clambered on him, licking his face, tail wagging excitedly.

“I am not looking after a dog,” Bucky snapped.

“It's only for a week,” Sam replied, matter-of-factly.

“What the hell am I even supposed to do with it?”

“Feed it. Play with it. Clean it. Look after it.” Sam had the audacity to stand there smirking. Bucky rolled his eyes before turning his focus to Steve sat on Bucky’s couch, giggles erupting from his mouth as a large labrador clambered on him, licking his face, tail wagging excitedly.

Admittedly, Bucky found the dog cute but it didn't help ease any uncertain feels he had over the set-up. Sam and Steve claimed it could be good for him and could help with his anxiety and ongoing recovery. Although it had been two years since returning from the army, Bucky spent a large portion of the time in rehabilitation after having his arm amputated. He was recovering from his depression and managing his anxiety and now, he had his own apartment in Brooklyn, a stable job at the local bookstore and was in a place where he was good.

His nightmares however still persisted and there were still some “bad days” much to the concern of his friends. With that, came many interventions many of which Bucky disliked much like the one he currently faced. Sam and Steve claimed that having a dog will keep him busy as well as it being statistically proven that keeping a pet can boost a person’s mood.

“What am I gonna do when I go to work?” Bucky argued.

“Your next shift’s next weekend, I’ll watch him.” Steve said as he scratched the dog's ears.

“Guys, I really don't know about this. I don't even know his name!” Bucky pleaded helplessly. It was sinking in that this was actually real, he was only just managing to look after himself. Steve laughed.

“It's Cream, Buck. I'm sure you’ll remember it.”

“Cream? How original.” He muttered as he noted the dog’s cream coloured fur which earned him a glare from Steve. “Fine, I’ll look after him.” He sighed, as he ran a hand through his hair.

“Who knows, maybe you can adopt more pets, couple of more dogs, a few cats maybe some snakes. James Barnes Brooklyn’s Animal Whisperer.” Sam teased. Bucky glared at him.

“We should get going but all his stuff is here. He’s got toys, a dog bed, a leash, food and I’ve written down the number and address of the vet if you have any problems.” Steve said standing up and gesturing to where he placed the various dog items. He gave Bucky a small squeeze on his shoulder before leaving his apartment with Sam.

Bucky sighed and looked down at the dog who was sniffing at his feet.

After making himself dinner that evening, Bucky poured the packet of dog food into the plastic dog bowl before grabbing his food and making his way to the living room.  He settled down on the sofa and switching the TV to a channel that was showing reruns of Friends. He felt a dip on the sofa next to him and turned to see Cream laying down, head on her paws and her eyes trained solely on his food.

“No. No way. Down.” Bucky ordered. Cream slowly jumped of the sofa and perched herself directly in front of him. “Seriously? Go. Now.”

This time Cream ignored him and stared straight at his food. Bucky groaned.

“No. I’ve made you food. Go.” Cream turned her head as he pointed in the direction of the kitchen but she returned her focus to Bucky’s food. Bucky frowned at her. He didn’t know what Steve and Sam were thinking. But she was a damn cute dog. Sighing, he went against his inhibitions and plucked a piece of chicken of his plate. Cream perked up and ate it right from his palm. Admittedly, Bucky found it endearing. He stroke her head before handing her another piece.

“Okay, now will you eat your own food? Good boy.” He said as he watched Cream walk to the kitchen. He leant his back against his sofa cushions. “I can’t believe I’m talking to a dog.”

Cream soon came plodding back in and lay down at Bucky’s feet. Bucky returned to his dinner and the TV.

When Bucky next checked the time he saw that an hour went by and Cream was still by his feet but he was being quiet. One part of Bucky’s brain told him that Cream was fine and probably tired by the other part of his brain thought back to the chicken he gave him and rung a few alarm bells.

“You okay, buddy?” He said softly to Cream. Cream looked up at him slowly before placing his head back on his paws. “You wanna play? Go fetch that ball.”

Cream looked to where the ball lay and looked as though he was going to get up  but didn’t. Now, Bucky began to worry.

He reached over to where his laptop sat on the  coffee table and pulled up google. He felt ridiculous but he wasn't exactly sure if dogs could even eat chicken. Plus how could he tell Sam and Steve that he poisoned the dog within the first couple of hours of having him?

Google proved to be an ineffective reassurance.

Bucky remembered the address and number of the Vet he had written down. A vet’s opinion is much more reliable than yahoo answers. 

For the first time in a long time it was calm in the veterinary practise. You were grateful as it was easier to concentrate on treating the pets and calming down worried owners. It was an emergency practise which meant you dealt with overly stressed people on a nightly basis.

Your shift was nearing its end and you began to pack away the equipment. There's as a small part of you, thankful you worked late that night as you would feel less guilty about staying in with a movie as opposed to going out and socialising like your friends have been trying to get you to do for a long time.

Your office was situated next to the receptions area and you hear the sounds of a distressed pet owner. It wasn't unusual, of course, but you had a habit of caring too much and wouldn't mind squeezing one last person in even if it did run overtime.

You made your way out and saw the receptionist trying to reassure the man who stood in front of the desk, holding a Labrador in his arms.

“Sir, I will see that you get seento  as soon as possible. Take a few breaths and take a seat.”  The receptionist tried to reassure. The man’s frown deepened and he looked as though he were about to say something until you interjected.

“It's okay, I’ll be happy to see you.” You said. Relief flooded the man’s face and he began walking towards you.

“But isn't the end of you shift?” The receptionist asked raising an eyebrow.

“It's fine. Come right through sir.” You waved off the receptionist before smiling to the man and walking into the room. “I'm Dr. Y/F/N Y/L/N. What’s this little guy’s name? Though he's not so little and you must be pretty strong to carry him.” You said as the man placed his Labrador the examination table.

“Cream,”

“And what seems to be the problem with Cream?” You asked as you rubbed Cream behind his ears.

“Uh, well, it's a little embarrassing actually,” he began scratching the back of his neck. You had to admit he was kind of cute but you quickly squashed down the thoughts deeming it unprofessional. “The short answer: I fed him some of my chicken I had for dinner and now he seems...I don't know unusually unresponsive. He's normally bouncing around the place. I'm kinda freaking out, doc.  Have I poisoned him?”

“Well, I haven't known chicken to be particularly dangerous. But I'll give him a quick check over. Do you when he last saw a vet?”

“He's not my dog. I got him today, I'm only supposed to be watching him for a friend for two weeks so details are kinda details. Is that a problem?”

“It shouldn't be.” You said as you began checking over the dog, occasionally cooing to him. “Well, he seems perfectly healthy. No problems as far as I can tell. You must be a pretty good owner if your friend trusted you with him.”

“I wouldn't say that. I haven't even had him for a day and already I'm at the vets.”

“Well, us vets. We’re not bad company.” You winked. He smiled and seemed to relax with your friendly banter.

“Well he seems to be fine. So no worries there. It's likely he's just tired himself out but maybe lay off any food that isn't certified dog food.” You said, stroking Cream.

“Thanks doc. Sorry for wasting your time.” He said, seeming a lot more relaxed.

“It's no problem. Better to be safe than sorry. Take care...sorry, I didnt get your name?”

“Uh James or you can just call me Bucky.” He said.

“Well, take care Bucky. And make sure you take good care of Cream. “ you said as he picked Cream up and began making his way out of the room.

The first few days of dogsitting after the impromptu trip to vets went soothingly much to Bucky’s surprise though he'd be lying if he said he wasn't struggling a little. Cream still gave him puppy dog eyes whenever he ate and despite being sleepy the night of the vet trip he was now full of energy 24/7.

Bucky was out at a small park and he never knew a dog to be so into everything. Cream was one curious canine. Cream was busy running up and down fetching a tennis ball, Bucky was throwing when something else caught his attention resulting in him scurrying off. Bucky closed his eyes and groaned before following him.

“Cream, get back here.” He half shouted, knowing that the Labrador wouldn't listen. He found Cream to be sniffing a golden retriever. “I'm sorry.” Bucky began before noticing who the owner was.

“It's no problem. It seems like they really like each other.” You said, laughing a little. “It's nice to see you again, Bucky.”

Bucky smiled.

“And it seems like they're entertained. You wanna take a seat?” You said nodding to where a bench was behind the two of you. Bucky nodded and followed you. “So, any particular reason you're looking after your friend’s dog? If you don't mind me asking?”

“Not really except my friends are interfering.”

“Oh, I know a thing or two about interfering friends.” You laughed. “Have you lived in Brooklyn for long?”

“Pretty much all my life. Except the few years I served in the army.” Bucky said. He subconsciously found himself rubbing his prosthetic hand but suddenly feeling self-conscious once he became aware of it and saw you eyes falling to it. He quickly stopped and awkwardly put his hand in his pocket. Normally, he wouldn't hide it, he embraced it but for some reason, he couldnt place why he felt vulnerable. In addition, there was tingly sensation in his stomach as you smiled softly at him. There was something nice about being around you..

“It's okay.” You said softly. “You served in the army? That's pretty awesome. I wish I could say I did something as spectatcular.”

“Well it wasn't all great. And I don't know, I'd say being a Vet and saving animal’s lives is pretty spectacular.” He mused. You grinned back at him.

“I haven't lived in Brooklyn long at all. I moved here a few years ago.” You said.

“Why?”

“I needed change y’know. I wanted to be my own person not whoever my parents wanted me to be. I love them and they never explicitly gave me a career I had to choose like some other’s but it was pretty evident that looking after animals is not what they saw their child doing. It became somewhat stifling. At least now I've learned, rather learning to be a proper adult. And being  around animals is not a bad way to spend my time though it's tough sometimes.”

“If it makes you feel any better, I'm still learning how to be a proper adult.” Bucky said. You smiled. “How long have you had your dog?”

“I've had Carrot for about a year now.”

“You named your dog Carrot?”

“In my defence, I let a four year old name it!” You argued as the two of you laughed. As your Dogs came bounding over. “I guess I better get going. It was nice to talk to you Bucky. And good to see Cream in good shape.”

“It was nice to talk to you to, and you were right.”

“Huh?”

“Vets aren't bad company.”

It was your day off and had planned for a movie day. In order to make yourself feel better about watching questionable movies with Carrot you decided to head out for some snacks. All was fine until the heavens decided to unleash a downpour, subsequently drenching you. You had left your umbrella behind and not wanting to get anymore wet you decided to duck into the nearest store until it died down. The closet one just happened to be a small, bookstore. You weren't complaining.

The bell on the door chimed and you smiled as you were greeted with the warmth. You ran a hand through your hair, grimacing at the wetness. You walked over to one of the shelves and ran your finger along the spines. You were deep into browsing when a voice interrupted you.

“Y/N?”

You turned around and saw Bucky behind you holding a box. At first he seemed shocked but that soon melted into a smile.

“Bucky! I didn't expect to see you here.”

“Yeah, I work here. You're...drenched.” His eyes scanned your sodden outfit.

“Ugh, I know. I only went out for snacks.” You said holding up your bag. “And I stupidly left my umbrella at home. So much for my movie day.”

“Movie day huh?”

“Yep, probably gonna rewatch Sleepless In Seattle for the hundredth time.” You replied.

“I've never seen it”

“You should. Best romance movie of all time, no exaggeration.”

“I'll take your word for it.” Bucky smiled. You looked outside and saw that the rain had calmed down.

“I should let you get back to work. You don't need to listen to me and my lonely movie marathons.” You joked.

“You're alone?”

“Does Carrot count?” You chuckled. “Bye Bucky.”

Wanda had called Bucky into the bookstore last minute asking him to cover her shift. Fortunately, Steve was around to watch Cream. He didn't have any plans besides buying groceries for his dinner that evening which he did once his shift was over.

It was dark and cold, winter truly settling in. As he walked home he realised the emergency vets was on his route home. Sure enough there you were walking out of there. You seemed to be walking cautiously, continuously scanning around you. You looked behind you and stopped once you saw bucky.

“If I didn't know any better, I'd say you were stalking me.” You said grinning at him.

“Nah, just buying dinner.” He replied holding up his bags.

“This time you're the one buying food. “ you said as Bucky reached you and fell into step with you as the two of you made your way down the street.

“Are you walking home?”

“I was gonna, my car’s out of gas but I'm kinda spooked from the dark. I think I'm gonna call a cab.”

“That's probably a good idea.” Bucky said. He noted to offer to walk you home but the two of you had only met a few times and he didn't want to come across as creepy or stalkerish. “I'll wait with you until your cab comes if you'd like?”

“I would like that.” You smiled. The two of you walked a little further before you stopped and took out your phone to call a cab. After calling Bucky and you fell into a comfortable conversation. Bucky's butterflies had returned.

Eventually a cab pulled up on the kern.

“Guess this is my ride.” You said. “What are you doing tomorrow?”

“I've got nothing planned. Why?”

“Well, I was maybe thinking you'd like to get a coffee tomorrow? You could bring Cream and I'd bring Carrot. A dog date?”

“I'd like that.” Bucky said smiling at you.

“I should probably give you my number and text you the details. I know this great café.” You said walking over to him. Bucky got out his phone and handed it to you. You began tapping your number in, hurrying when the cab driver honked his horn. “See you tomorrow.”

The café was quaint and you were so glad they allowed dogs on the premises - as long as they were behaved. As Carrot sat at your feet you found yourself continuously stroking her and was grateful as you were a bundle of nerves. You wished it wasn't so nerve wracking meeting with a cute, kind and funny guy but that was exactly why. You felt a little insane as you had only known Bucky for a short amount of time but you could feel something between you two. Something was definitely there. Everyone was telling you take chances and get out there and this was doing that. Right?

You didn't have time to freak out further as you felt someone behind you. You turned around and saw the man of the hour with Cream.

“Hey,” you greeted. “I thought I'd wait for you to order.”

“I'll go up and get it for you with my order. What do you want?” He asked winding Cream’s lead around the chair leg.

“Just a hot chocolate for me.” You said. He smiled and nodded before walking up to order.

He soon came back carrying a delicious looking hot chocolate topped with cream and Coffee for himself. You wrapped your hands around the mug and for the first time in your life you had no idea what to say.

“This café’s nice. I've never been here before.” Bucky said as he took a sip from his coffee.

“I've been here a few times. The hot chocolate is the best.” You said. You looked at your cup. You knew what you wanted to really say. “Hey Bucky. I-uh-I have something I'd like to say.”

“What's up?” He said a small twinge of concern on his face.

“I wasn’t looking for anything serious.” You blurted out. Understandably Bucky looked confused. “Sorry, let me start again. I know we haven't known each other for a long time but i think I've really grown to like you and I wanna get to know you better. God, I probably sound crazy.” You took a sip from you cup in the hopes it would ease your nerves.

Bucky didn't say anything except look down towards his cup. Oh god you thought.

“I wasn't looking for anything serious either,” Bucky said quietly. “I think I like you too Y/N.”

You let out a laugh which confused Bucky but he began to smile.

“How about we try this dating thing?” You said. Bucky reached over and grabbed you hand.

“I'd like that. I'd like that a lot.”

Tags: @poealsobucky @lilasiannerd @thegenderqueerbatman

[freckledbabysbf-blog]

11 Questions Tag!!

(or more like i’ve been tagged 7 times and im just gonna answer all of them)

Basically, you have to answer these 11 questions, create 11 new ones and then tag 11 people to answer your questions!

thank you neha for tagging me! @3rachaa

1) which stray kids member would you want as your best friend?

honestly?? probably either felix, seungmin or changbin. i think felix would probably bring out good sides of me, seungmin and i could be soft together and changbin and i are just lowkey the same person so

2) who’s your ult bias and why?

i dont even know at this point, i have like 5 tbh. its ncts mark, because he got me back into kpop because idk i just thought hes really inspirational and shit. then theres seventeens the8 because honestly he just snatched me and damn im lowkey in love with him ngl and hes so talented and god damn beautiful i just cant. then theres ma boy v, aka kim taehyung aka the guy that has had me smitten since 2014 and i just love him because damn his voice and hes so adorable and just damn. also im a hoe its also suga because ngl hes like exactly my type and hes so damn admirable and just i dont even know how could i not love him? And last but not least our boy felix somehow did it and im not sure how but he did it and im still confused

3) how’s your day been?

im really sick but except that today was a chill day, i had a 5hour nap and basically couldnt talk all day so

4) what’s something that you’re excited about?

honestly? my best friend and i have a tradition of staying on my step dads farm in between christmas and new year every year and this year my other best friend is joining us and im super exited for that

5) how’d you discover stray kids? what was your initial impression of them?

i saw the teaser of the hellevator mv and was like, damn jyp u got a new group ready to snatch me?

6) ice cream or cake?

questionable because i dont eat either bc it most of the time isnt vegan but probably ice cream

7) what’s your fave food?

i have no favorite food tbh

8) favorite ice cream flavor?

idk proably hazelnut ig

9) what’s your ult group? why do you love them?

the same as with ub, its in between nct, seventeen, bts and now also stray kids and right now id say my main focus is stray kids? i just love them

10) what’s your role in the fandom? (ex. parent, the baby, etc.)

im that one gay cousin who just dissapears from time to time

11) rant about anything ;)

honestly felix eyes are so beautiful and dont let me start about his damn freckles man this guy is a whole 20/10 like damn bro chill ur already basically everything i want as a boyfriend stop being perfect hard working and lovable 

thanks mari pt 1 @jiggyjisung

1. whats your fav cold drink?

does water count?

2. chocolate chip cookies or oreos?

both are not vegan but if they would be probably chocolate chip i dont like oreos

3. are you still in school?

sadly yes i am and its stressing me

4. do you have a job or volunteer work?

not really i sometimes do errands for my moms cinema tho

5. Do you have any pets?

pets that are actually mine? at the moment not but im getting kittens soon

6. am i gonna finish this without making stupid questions?

no

7. trick question all these questions are pretty stupid

i am aware

8. do you like anime (wow such weeb)

i might like anime, youll never find out tho (yes)

9. do you like video games (wow such nerd)

i mean im totally not obsessed with little nightmares or anything

10. what temperature is it where u are?

well outside its like 0° C inside idk

11. whats ur level of weird

changbin

mari pt2

1. Whats good fam?

bye

2. Did you eat yet

its midnight, yes i ate a small dinner

3. What time is it?

00:09

4. are you tired?

nope

5. Still in school or nah?

yyes

6. are you a keyboard, cuz you’re my type *wink wonk*

thanks ur not (jk ily ur cool)

7. did you like that ^^

i love me some shitty pck up lines

8. So whatcha doin rn (besides this)

texting and listening to music

9. chocolate chip cookies or oreos

chocolate chip

10. do u got any pets

nope still not

11. mac n cheese or lasagna

both not vegan but probably lasanga

thanks my dear ela ily @incorrectfelix

if you could magically learn any language, real or fictional, which one would it be?

probably korean tbh

Do weekdays have a colour for you?

not really

If so, which ones?

nah

Sweet or savoury?

savoury

If you could do anything right now, what would it be?

having a movie night with all of my close friends i miss them a lot

What‘s your favourite haircolour?

black and brown probably, but ill also never say no to some good looking dyed hair thats lowkey washed out

Favourite kpop quote?

“My current boyfriend is Shownu and my next boyfriend will be Wonho” - I.M

Favourite type of weather?

snow and rain im all in for that cold wheather

What got you into KPop?

my friend back in 2014 and then mark lee

Do you have any ships? Which ones?

to many tbh, i love taegi? like sign me the fuck up. celara (thats the shipname of my siter and her girlfriend and i support it) , changlix, poly evryone and idk man i ship a lot of people

Describe a memory, any memory.

hi im about to share one of my favourite memories from this year with you, like it was a quite warm saturday evening and i was out with my friends and maybe a little drunk but we all were and we were just talking and honestly that was the moment i realised i love my friend so much i could never let go of them ( i like talking about memories so if anyone wanna know some of my fevourite memories im open to share them)

Favourite names?

i really like charlie, noah,nico, lee (yes i like my own names fight me) , finn, michael and lucas

thanks for tagging me @dabkingfelix

1: Do you prefer tea to coffee??

tea all the way coffee is way to bitter for me

2: When was the last time you laughed so hard that it hurt??

just now, bc my throat is sick but my friend send me a joke

3: List 3 things can be found in your room on a daily basis??

pens, clothes and pacifiers

4: What’s your favourite season??

fall and winter

5: If you were reborn, would you change your gender??

well i mean i am transgender so yea i guess i would

6: Who is your favourite fictional character??

probably lee jordan and fred and george

7: What was your dream job when you were a kid??

i always wanted to be an artist

8: What’s your favourite scent??

vanilla and cinnamon 

9: Name 3 personality traits you seek in other people??

honestly, loyality and creativity i guess??

10: Do you lick or bite ice cream??

god i dont know

11: Do you believe in horoscopes?

nope not really

thanks @thestraykidsfreak

1. Milk or cereal?

cereal

2. The group that got you into Kpop?

bts (and lowkey vixx) in 2014

3. Who’s your Stray Kids bias?

felix and changbin

4. A thing you really like about yourself? (appearance, character trait, whatever)

that i can draw well and that i get quite freckly in summer

5. Do you get along with your family?

i guess

6. Fave band that isn’t Kpop?

one ok rock lol (or pierce the veil, sue my emo ass)

7. Have you ever considered learning Korean?

yes im lowkey learning it but its on hold bc of school rn

8. What’s the last compliment you gave someone?

i like your eyes, they look as dead as u  (to my best friend. she might've hit me)

9. Have you ever changed your bias? And if, how often?

the only group where i actually changed my bias is seventeen where i went from jeonghan to woozi to the8

10. Do you have any nervous habits?

i scratch open my skin, i pick at my skin and i fidget

11. What made you get a tumblr account?

well this one the cereal debatte my actual first one? idk anymore tbh

thanks emma ur cool @straykidshizzle

1. What do you like most about your physique?

i like my nose and eyes

2. What is your biggest talent?

drawing probably

3. When do you feel the happiest?

when im with my friends

4. What is your favorite memory?

this year the moment i was outside with my friends where i thought wow im really glad i got all of you, in general a night between christmas and new year on my stepdads farm laying on my bed at night with my best friend listening to teneriffea sea by ed sheeran

5. What is your current homescreen background?

for my phone, felix for my laptop some random hot guys collarbones

6. If you got a free plane ticket to anywhere, where would you go?

probably korea, thats the place i wanna go most right now

7. What did you want to be when you were young(er)?

artist

8. How would you describe yourself?

im really bad at that but a highkey socially akward small shy boy that just wants to get accepted and doesnt know how to handle social situations

9. What’s the best thing that happened to you this week?

its monday night so i guess its my friend saying shell visit me tomorrow because im sick and my other friend who i thought didnt like me anyymore asking me to meet up on wednesday

10. Who is someone you really admire? (and why?)

lowkey my sister because she just does whatever she wants and my best friend because she does what she wants but shes still on top of her class and just wow i just really admire all of my friends (thats lowkey shitty tho bc that lowkey fucks with my mental state)

11. Who was the last person you hugged?

well, probably my mom or dad and except them lotte, a girl whos on my team that i drove home with together

thanks for all the tags man

my questions are:

1. whats your hogwarts house ? (slytherin im a snek)

2. cats or dogs ? (cats)

3. favorite star constellation ? (cygnus and the summer triangle)

4. kakao talk or line ? (kakao)

5. a stargazing date or a library date? (stargazing)

6. natrual or dyed hair (both but natural ig)

7. sexual orientation? (gay)

8. haikyuu or kuroko no basket or free (?yes im a whole weeb rip)

9. produce 101 season 1 or 2 ? (2)

10. girl groups or boy groups? (bg)

11. kermit or pepe? (kermit)

i tag : @fehlix,   @leader-chan, @dani-edgy, @ultiz; @jisxngie ; @f3lix-lee; @koalachris; @jenaipaidemots (what an url), @squishywoojin , @jeongn @felixsfreckles

if you dont want to or have already done it dont worry!

[cauldronoflove]

Ok so this is really obscure, but I've had this idea for a while now, and I'd love to see you work with it? Headcanons for a time travel AU in which Peter Parker is messing with Stark Tech and gets sent back to the 1940s? He could work with Peggy Carter in the SSR to solve the case and pretend to be her little brother. Plus in 2017 Tony and Steve working together to get him back. If you think it's weird or want to skip it no worries! If not, then thank you so much, I love your headcanons!!

i love this concept so much you dont even know?? but also okay i realized abt halfway through these 2.5k+ words that this wasnt exactly what you asked for and i feel kinda bad about that but i hope you still like it all the same!! also i wanna say thank you for thinking of me for this prompt im super flattered????

- peter wasnt technically supposed to be in the 4th basement of stark tower

- technically he was on his lunch break and was supposed to be using said time to both eat and work on his spanish homework

- but he'd heard these whispers from a couple of the older interns about some of the old stuff that mr. stark had thrown down there because he never had time to finish them and peter had an idea

- see, he's been wanting to move up a bit, have mr. stark trust him a little more, and what's better then maybe taking one of his old designs and making it better and making it work

- so thats why he's in the fourth basement of stark tower, trying to remember if he's had his tetanus shot because some of this stuff is seriously Old

- and then he stumbles onto this little pyramid shaped....doohickey

- its the only thing in 4 floors of Things that doesnt have a label or a file or a crude drawing taped to the front of it so now peter is Officially Curious

- he kinda fiddles with it for a few minutes until his phone beeps with his 'hey pete youre gonna be super late getting back to work again' alarm and he about drops this thing on the floor because like everyday the alarm scares him to death

- but because hes clumsy and because hes pete he actually does drop it and everything goes black

- but everything's fine because he wakes right back up and he's pretty sure that he electrocuted himself but thats happened dozens of times so he picks himself up and brushes himself off and realizes that he may have been out longer than he thought because theres fewer boxes in the room than before and geez his head hurts

- "are you quite alright?"

- oh god he mustve hit his head harder than he thought because that looks like

- "m-miss carter, no sorry, ma'am? oh, oh god i'm so sorry that was so rude, agent? agent ma'am?"

- "this is howard's fault isnt it"

- "howard? as in....oh god oh god"

- "do you know where you are?"

- peter parker loved a lot of things and one of those things was museums and one of those museums in particular had an exhibit on a certain mr. rogers and adjacent to that exhibit was a small plaque about the woman standing in front of him and oh god he was going to hyperventilate and throw up in front of a literal legend and hero at the same time

- "remind me to kill him later. right now lets get you something warm to drink, yes? maybe some new clothes, youre looking a little singed"

- flash forward half an hour and he's sitting in front of the agent carter sipping at some terribly bitter coffee while she pursed and unpursed her lips a few times

- (annnnd time skip back to present day)

- friday: mr stark theres a woman downstairs beating on the door asking for youtony, 47 names going through his head: ...go on

- enter may parker, in her pjs, fire in her eyes, carrying on the legacy of brunette women ready to end a stark's life

- "it is ten o'clock on a school night, i've talked to ned, i've talked to mj and liz, i've talked to every corner sub shop owner, i even had a nice long chat with pepper, yet no one could tell me anything so you better have answers as to where my nephew is anthony"

- and in that moment, tony stark's life flashed before his eyes

- "hey, friday, where is the kid?"

- "peter's vitals havent been detected since 1:32pm on floor D"

- tony: fu-

- (back to pete and peggy)

- so he's quickly caught her up on the gist of whats going on (aka he told her he's from 2017 ny and hed really just like to go home) and she's taking it surprisingly well, all nodding and hmm-ing and cursing howard stark under her breath, kinda how may is when tony does like.. anything

- but now shes leading him through their super secret base and he's trying not to stare because, has he mentioned, hes literally standing next to peggy carter

- "right, well, here's your cot. if you need anything, dugan can help you. he's that one, there, with the cigar. you get some rest and i'll find howard and see if we cant get your...issue squared away. oh, and whatever you do, dont accept anything dernier tries to give you, you've already blown up once today, i dont think you can afford another"

- present day

- tony's been working through the night, a marginally-more-than-slightly disgruntled may beside him, and an even-more-than-marginally-more-than-slightly peeved happy beside her

- ("how do you lose a teenage boy, tony" happy moans to his phone when he wakes up and sees all the missed calls and texts he has)

- good news: it only took like 2 1/2 hours and three shots of espresson for tony to figure out what happened to peter

- bad news: it wasnt even a Tony Stark Exclusive Design, it was a Howard Stark One-Time Use That Was Actually A Malfunction Design, he'd had several more coffees that werent even close to being strong enough, and he had a growing black eye from the punch may landed before happy could pull her away and calm her down (maybe that last part should be in the good news column)

- "so he's just stuck in the 40s alone, then" may surmises, rubbing at the tension headache in her temples

- tony doesnt respond because at this point he needs his other eye for miracle working and depth perception

- "well, probably not alone," happy begins. "i catalogued everything in that level, and that stuff came from one of howard's london facilities, so it was probably calibrated for that time, so he's probably with-"

- tony: "hap, please dont finish that sentence"

- may: "1940s london. so he's with steve, then, safe. with captain america. okay, i can handle that."

- tony: "no, ah, a little later than capsicle, probably"

- may: "so not safe with captain america"

- happy: "safe with agent carter, more likely"

- pete and peggy

- good news: pete made it through the night without being blown up by the howling commandoes

- bad news: once howard was finally located and sobered up, he explained that he hadnt built that particular device yet, so peter was kinda stuck

- peter wasnt coping well

- "i have a spanish test tomorrow! and a trig test on friday! and i'm supposed to hang out with ned on saturday, and then may's gonna kill me when i dont show up for sunday dinner, and shes gonna kill me in general because i never checked in because holy shit i never checked in!"

- howard: peggy he's crying what do i do

- peggy: do i have to do everything myself

- she advances on peter and takes his chin in her hand, locking eyes with him: peter, you know who i am, dont you?

- he nods as best as he can

- "then you must know that i'm going to do everything in my power and then some to get you back home, dont you?"

- "yes ma'am"

- "good. go take a walk while i talk to howard, and if anyone asks, youre my american brother in for a short visit." and then she pats him on the cheek and his soul kinda ascends then and there because agent carter just patted him on the cheek AND gave him permission to tell people he's her brother

- so he goes to take his walk but the thing is when he gets anxious, he likes to fiddle with the loose legos he keeps under his bed, building and rebuilding tiny structures to help ease his nerves

- needless to say, he's an Absolute Nervous Wreck while he waits for some kind of something from peggy or howard and there arent any legos to keep him busy

- so he kind of takes that walk right on down to the lab and starts poking around because even if he is a certified nervous wreck he's also thr most inquisitive little shit that ever did walk the earth

- peggy finds him two hours later with a pair of loose fitting goggles on his forehead, his sweater sleeves pushed up to his elbows, and some . substance on his hands

- "please dont tell me youre somehow howard's long lost son too," she says, taking his appearance in

- he shakes his head as the beakers in front of him emit a puff of green smoke directly into his already scrunched up face "no ma'am; it's just that mr. stark kinda has me on desk duty and never lets me get my hands dirty so i like to take every oppurtunity i can get"

- she nods, "good, because howard needs you to describe what you remember of the device, and then you and i are going to begin the slog through the logistics of it all"

- "ooooookay"

- which is how peter parker ends up sitting across from peggy carter, the both of them scribbling extremely advanced mathematics onto yellowing sheets of paper as howard stark tinkered with some spare parts he had lying around as he tried to construct a crude rendering of the device

- peggy mostly doesnt talk, actually, she hasnt spoken since explaining that shed picked her math skills up on an assignment shed once had where she learned she actually loved numbers and then howard had been letting her do calculations for him in her free time

- peter was too impressed to respond bc from what he gathered she'd only been on that mission for six months and she didnt have much free time which meant she'd had to pick it all up FAST

- anyway, they got at that for hours, until peter cant keep his eyes open and even howard is dwindling; peggy waves them both off to bed but stays and keeps scribbling away

- they repeat that routine for 3 days

- on the 5th night, after she waves them off, peter goes to his cot and he tosses and turns for hours, listening to the commandoes play poker and crack jokes, but he cant sleep

- finally he gets up and just starts walking, anywhere his feet take him

- coincidentally, his feet take him past what he quickly realizes is peggy's room

- "peter why are you still up? is everything all right?" she asks, pulling off these big hulking glasses that made him incredibly homesick because she reminds him so much of may in that moment, big glasses on, hunched over a book in her lap, hair pulled back out of her face

- and he apologizes, but she Knows something's terribly wrong, so she gets up and ushers him away from her doorway, and leads him down a hall or two and then theyre standing in an open space, and she's looking at him like shes trying to solve one of her equations

- "do you know how to throw a punch, peter"

- " whatever youre thinking i dont think its a good idea we dont have any gear and i dont want to get hurt-"

- she shakes her head and asks again, and he finally answers with a kinda

- "'kinda' will get you hurt; watch me" and she begins to demonstrate a few slow punches and he follows her movements and tries to copy them but hes a little sloppy but its ok because she corrects him and finally theyre just standing beside one another counting out punches when she asks "whats on your mind"

- and he doesnt even hesitate he just lets loose everything, how much he misses may and how terrible he feels that he cant get in touch with her, how much he misses ned and mj and liz, how much he misses his fire escape and the deli on the corner and the buildings and then he's crying again, but she gracefully doesnt point it out

- once he's done spitting out everything thats bothering him she gets this kind of sad smile and says, "you remind me of a man i knew. he cared so much about his friends, sometimes to the point of not even worrying about himself, whuch meant he was always in some sort of trouble, as you can imagine. but he always found his way out of a problem, even if he was the one who created it." she laughs slightly then. "i guess what i'm getting at is even if i cant get you back home, even if howard cant, i believe that youll figure it out."

- "are you comparing me to captain anerica right now because i'm already crying and i dont think i can take much more" he says through sniffles, his arms slack by his sides now

- she smiles and nods, keeping her stance, and peter feels an overwhelming sense of gratitude for this amazing woman who immediately helped him without much of a pause and who's made sure he was okay for the past 5 days and who's up at god knows what time showing him how to throw a punch and being his borderline therapist and he just wants to give her something in return

- "im not sure if im supposed to do this, because for all i know it could tear a hole in the fabric of time and space but i really want to show you this," he begins, pulling his wallet put of his pocket.

- he flicks the little photo holders out and theres may, and theres ned and mj and liz, and theres that cat he found that one time, and theres him and tony, and there, at the bottom, is the time he officially met steve after the whole fight thing and all

- "this was taken a couple months ago; well, a couple months for me, it's decades from now, but here," and he holds out his wallet for her to see and she looks over the photo curiously before she understands and a tear slips down her cheek and she smiles the most grand smile

- "thank you, peter" and she passes the wallet back and puts her hand on his shoulder and says "i promise i'll have you home in time for sunday dinner"

- and she does

[rarapussyriot]

Restart fo real. Day 1

Okay redoing this. I’ve been slipping weightwise, thinking I’d be fine. 

But I’m not. 

So to reiterate, Im trying for high protein, high fibre during eating days. After this week, I’ll be attempting 5:2 fasting (max. 500kcal on fasting). 

New measurements:  I’ll try measure once a week on a Sunday Morning (now is a Monday night).  

Weight: 75.5kg Waist: 82.5cm Arms: 32cm Thighs: 67.5cm Bust: 105cm

Daily intake: Before Work: 500mL water Breakfast (10am): Boiled egg, black coffee, black tea with mint leaves (Middle Eastern thing, absolutely refreshing!). 600mL water.  Snack (10.30am): I did not last long before needing my snack. Single serve popcorn. 600mL water.  Lunch (12.45pm): Homemade chicken pho, with mushrooms, broccolini, miracle noodles, and bean sprouts.  Extra (2.30-3pm): We had to trial run the cocktail for Halloween event. So I ended up having approx 1 piccolo of merlot, half a can of ginger beer, and probably a dash of grenadine. 450mL sparkling water.  Dinner (6pm): 2 slices Helgas Lower Carb 5 seed bread, 1 soft boiled egg, half avocado, 5g butter.  Snack: i was meant to sprinkle the Chia seeds on my avocado toast for dinner but forgot. So instead, Im having a chia pudding for dessert (1tbps Chia Seed, 1tbps greek yogurt, 1tbps water). Didnt say it would be a good one.  Total Intake: 1,257kcal (perfect!), 54g carb, 63g fat, 74g protein (short 10g), 25g fibre (perfect!). 

Although I was over my fat intake by 18g I’m really not concerned. Its probably why I felt so full all day. 

Exercise/Output:  My dumbass got drunk and fell over. As a result of my injuries, I cant really do rigorous exercise (twisted ankle and gashed knee). Currently Im at 2,116kcal burnt. I will attempt to do a standing workout of sorts. 

I’m thinking: 

Warm up (5min from fitness blender)

1 min deadlifts, 4kg per dumbbell.  1 min bend over flys, 1kg per dumbbell. 

30 sec break. Light jog or pace on the spot. 

1 min deadlifts, feet in, 4kg per dumbbell.  1 min triceps pull overs. 4kg per dumbbell. 

1 min break. Light jog or pace on the spot. 

1 min deadlifts, feet out, 4kg per dumbbell.  30 sec Captain Morgan wood choppers with 4kg weight, each side.  

30 sec break. Light jog or pace on the spot. 

1 min ice skater crunches. 1 min bridge pulse. 

Cool down (30sec each, Warrior pose left, modified warrior pose left, warrior pose right, modified warrior pose right, Hamstring stretch left, Hamstring stretch right, quad stretch left, quad stretch right, cobra stretch, whole body stretch).

That should burn at least 200kcal in that 20min light exercise. 

Hopefully pushing me up to at least 2,400kcal for today.  

I’ll update tomorrow with the final output.  EDIT: Total of 2,653kcal for that day. 

[freerebelmentality]

For the love of music pt3 (final)

Word Count: 2,380

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“Yeah, I did and he told me you were out” You tell him looking away from the folk lore books

“Ye have quite the collection” He says while looking around and getting up from the chair to get a better look at the books.

“Thank you. Some of them once belonged to my brother” You tell him

Chibs saw that as an opening to ask about your family or just about your brothers anyway.

“He come around to visit often?” He asks in hopes you will answer him.

“No, they havent because uh they passed away a couple of years ago” You tell him while feeling the ache in your chest

“Sorry to hear that. How did they pass?” He asks while looking to you and feeling the hurt you have suffered. He has great understanding when it comes to loosing people you love.

You are about to answer him is when a book comes flying off the shelf and stops at a page, a quote by Leo Tolstoy.

“Only people who are capable of loving strongly can also suffer great sorrow, but this same necessity of loving serves to counteract their grief and heals them” You pick up the book from the floor and read out the quote.

You go teary eyed and thank Sam for the inspiration. You see Chibs looking at you with great sorrow but you smile to him even though it doesnt look happy. You always remembered Franks quote about smiling after they passed and kept doing it ever since.

“I know this is going to sound crazy to you but um how they passed is. They saved the world from utter chaos with an end result of them dying while closing the gates of hell. Sam was originally suppose to do that but Dean got in the middle of it all and he died as well. We didnt know it was really going to end us but they did it while they told me to go and finally live the apple pie life. That they did it all for me and every single person on this earth” You say while remembering the things Dean had said before he took his last breath.

It was to late for you to say good bye to Sam because his injuries were so severe that he went quickly.

Chibs stood there getting teary eyed watching you tell him the dying last moments between you and the only family you had.

“I am truly sorry for your loss and really grateful at that” He says as he reaches over to place his hand on yours to give a gentle yet loving squeeze.

“I went down to Tacoma earlier today because after the things Juice has told me. He looked into your back ground” He admits while breaking the silence

“What did you find out” You ask while wiping the tears away.

“I have a brother in the Charter, he tells me he used to be a hunter until your brothers closed the gates of hell” He says while he hopes you wouldnt kick him out for going behind your back.

“His name is Jesse Cuevas, his husband is Caesar. Hes told me they have hunted with ye and your brothers. Supernatural beings. At first I thought he was crazy but made sense” He says while looking to you.

“Yeah, I remember him. We worked on a case together. He is a member now?” You reply while asking quickly

“Hes been a member for a couple years now. Most likely around the time your brothers passed” He says while getting up from the chair.

“Any more ex hunters who have joined the charter?” You ask out of curiosity

“No just him” He answers

“I’ve had enough of this chick flick moment. How about we go to the party thats happening at the club?” You ask while feeling better about opening up to him.

“Aye, feel like my balls turned into some fucked up looking pussy” The both of you laugh while you head up the stairs to change into something more suitable for a party.

“How do you know there is a party going on at TM?” He asks once you come down the stairs.

He loved how you looked in your outfit, showed all the right curves and how you hair just accented your face perfectly

“A friend of mine told me when she dropped me off to pick up the car” You answer him while grabbing his hand and leading him out the door.

He got on his bike and handed you a helmet. Once the bike came to life and roared down the street is when you loved everything about the motorcycle and now wondering if you should get one for yourself.

Once the both of you got to the club house is when you let loose right away. You didnt need to worry about anyone hitting on you because everyone knew who you came with. Juice looks to you and doesnt like that you are there. You walk up to him after downing the last of your Scotch.

“Its Juice right?” You ask while Chibs keeps an eye on you.

“Yeah” Is all he says and continues to drink his beer and ignore you.

“Dude what is wrong with you? You not like me or something?” You ask while you feel the Scotch burn your stomach knowing you are feeling a bit tipsy.

“Something like that” Juice says while turning his back on you.

“Well then, lets settle this once and for all. I saw a ring out there. Lets solve our problems the right way” You tell him while the guys look between you and Juice.

“I dont think that would be such great idea” Bobby says to you

“I can take care of myself” You tell him while walking away

“You wanna belt it out with me? In the ring? Sweet heart you dont stand a chance” He says looking to you with a serious expression on his face

“Lets see then” You tell him while leading the way outside.

Everyone around is in complete shock by the invitation but Tig couldnt help but pull together a pool.

He throws the first punch but that doesnt knock you down. You fight back, how Dean taught you to fight over the years and Sam always said you reminded him of Dean while fighting.

Juice got you a few times but not bad enough to leave your face puffy. You spit out the blood and fight back once more but never back down. You kept punching him left and right until you hit him really hard and he fell to the ground.

“Chibby I am getting incredibly turned on by your old lady” Tig says while his hand is against his belt buckle

You kept punching him until he wasnt able to fight back anymore. You kept going until someone pulled you off of Juice and you looked and it was Chibs. Everyone cheered as you won the fighting match. Everyone cleared out of the club house and went to their dorms to finish off the party and then some. All that was left in the bar area were you, Chibs, Bobby, Tig, Happy and Juice.

“Do I have your approval now?” You ask Juice while he is getting patched up by Chibs.

“Yeah. Where did you learn to fight like that?” He asks while spitting out blood from his mouth.

“My older brother taught me and when I went in well I had to fend for myself” You tell him while you did some time

“Oh my god, you hear that Chibby? She did time” Tig says while trying to contain himself from taking you to his dorm

“What the fuck is wrong with you?” You ask looking to Tig

“Tiggy” Chibs basically growls out his name while he walks away and grabs a crow eater and to his dorm.

“Ye alright love?” Chibs asks as he places his hand under your chin to get a better look at your face

“I am ok now but wait till tomorrow when everything kicks in. I mean Im still pretty drunk and I know Im hurting but tomorrow is going to be a pain in my ass” You tell him while you take the cup of Scotch from Chibs hand and down the rest and handed him back the cup.

You downed the drink no problem while Chibs looks to you in complete amazement that you can handle your drinks. Another thing you got from Dean while growing up with him or just until you were old enough to drink on your own. You would dig into his stash from time to time and left enough for him not to notice anything is gone.

“How about that dinner you owe me?” You ask looking to Chibs

“Ye hungry?” He raises his eye brow

“I could eat” You reply with a smile

“I know a place that opens all night” He says while he helps you to his bike.

“Y/n?” Juice yells before the both of you walk out the door. You turn to see what he wants.

“Take care of my brother, hes a good man and he deserves the best” He says while Happy helps him to his dorm.

“Shouldn’t ye be saying that to me about er?” Chibs asks looking to Juice

“I know she can take care of herself but man you fight for shit at times” Juice says while everyone laughs and you share a chuckle as well.

You and Chibs park in front of a diner and walked in together. He led you to a booth by the window, he slid in while you did the same across from him. The waitress came by to take the drink order and meal order. You ordered a bacon cheese burger with fries along with a salad.

“The food I get because I dont want my brothers missing out on the things they liked” You tell him while explaining the food you have ordered. He looks to you with a puzzled expression.

“My brother Dean always got bacon cheese burgers and fries. Sam well he was the health nut and always got something with salad and all that other crap” You tell him while chuckling. He smiles while you love how his dimples show when he does.

“Understandable. Before Charming. Where did ye move from?” He asks while the waitress serves our drinks and coffee.

“Kansas, we had lived in this place that people forgot about. We were given the place by my late grandpa but we didnt know exactly where it was. Until we went to visit his friend that knew the place well” You tell him and tell the story about the men of letter bunker.

“So no one knows about this place?” He asks looking to you.

“No, not even the government. Only way you can find the place is coordinates” You tell him while the waitress comes back with food.

“Enjoy your meal” The waitress says and walks away back into the kitchen.

He got the stake and eggs. You looked to his plate and really wanted to pick from it.

“Ye have your own food” He says trying to swat your hand out of the way.

“Your food looks so good so I couldnt help it” You tell him while he chuckles.

He doesnt know when the last time he had this much fun, well during a meal course and he was feeling really comfortable with you and you made it easy. You and Chibs eat in harmony and you like the some what domestics that come along with eating at a table with another person.

“Is that everything?” The waitress comes back.

“Pie please, cherry would be good” You tell her while Chibs smiles to you and you knew Dean was very happy about that.

“Im guessing your brother likes pie too?” He asks after taking a sip from his coffee.

“Yeah he did and I always loved em to” You smile to him.

Chibs took you home while you grabbed his hand for him to come inside as well. He followed into the house and led him up the stairs. He hesitated for a while until you reassured him it was to sleep and nothing else. You liked the fact he is very respectable. In some ways he reminded you of Dean. In others reminded you of Sam and another that was very Chibs. He knew how to be vulnerable with you and thats the most incredible thing you have seen in a man.

Your brothers always hid their vulnerability because they always had this mentality to always be strong for one another, well Dean anyway. Sam on the other hand was more open with his feelings but at times he would hide too but you would know something would be there. You knew he would say something once you asked.

They always had to have this stoic and strong mentality around each other. And thats all you were used to. But with Chibs it was different and thats what you loved about the man. You knew something special is within Chibs and you wanted to find out what it was. You found it and you wanted to cherish it and be that person who he needs to lean on. You wanted to be his rock when shit hit the fan and you want him to be your rock as well.

Chibs couldnt believe how much you can handle yourself but living the life you have for so long. It made sense for you to learn how to defend for yourself, especially with the things you used to hunt. He understood the look in your eye of seeing nightmares. He thought it was crazy at first but remembering back to all those Scottish folk lore he has heard growing up made him believe that those stories were always told for a reason. Now that all the supernatural beings are gone, demons gone and now you finally get to live that apple pie life your brothers wanted for you. He is happy you wanted to live that life with him. He wants love you forever. You are his forever.

[just-keep-breathinggxx]

ayyo whats up

I haven’t been feeling like posting daily recently soz. this past week has been a bit crazy for me. i’ve been logging on mfp of course tho. convenience in just logging weight and calories rather than my day’s events and emotions. the point of this is to see trends in my emotions and eating habits bc duh emotional eater here. ig starting where i left off. Monday my parents left for a 5-day hike, so i was left to my own devices for a while. Tues June 4 I was pre-occupied with trying to schedule my weekend and somehow still go to a twenty one pilots concert. I hit the 1200 cal limit (just over actually) mostly bc I had potato salad for dinner and chocolate chip cookie from wawa left over from the day before. Again, its all about convenience... maybe i should start meal prepping so its “grab n go” convenience all week. Anyway Wed June 5 I was able to snag top pit ticket for about $50 which is hella cheap (face value was $100) and sold my tix for the AC show (for below face value, but enough to pay for my other ticket). I was able to fast til the afternoon. Went to Sorrentino’s for a high fat Porkroll and Cheese sandwhich and got half a turkey and cheese sub for later. Also drank a sugar-free 8oz redbull on the way to newark and a bud light tall boy when i got there. Only ate half of my half sub so what that’s like 3 inch sub? quarter of a whole sub? Anyway my calories for Wed was under 1000. Thurs June 6 I woke up starving so ate the other half of my turkey sub for breakfast. I didnt eat again all day til like 7 pm. I really gotta stop going to wawa bc I always end up getting a milkshake and cookie with my sandwich (chicken bbq strip hoagie = 520 cal) which always sends me over 1200 cal. Didn’t eat the cookie though bc 16 oz milkshake is a struggle enough to finish on its own. all in all 1400 cal. Fri June 7 i did okay. Sometimes I dont feel hungry in the morning, and sometimes i’m ravenous when I wake up. Luckily it was the latter. I just had some coffee and did barn chores all morning. I ate the cookie for lunch though (convenience). I knew I had a busy day coming up on Saturday, so I went to Walmart last minute for a few things. Walked down the frozen dinners aisle cuz i knew I wouldnt have the time or energy for making dinner that night. Got one of those one serving Fit Bowls (Stouffer’s Beef with Brocolli). I hate how high in sodium they are though. I got Tollhouse cookie dough while I was there so I had cookies to bring to Jessie’s party the next day. ngl I had like a spoonful or two which is essentially a cookie or two in itself... Without the cookie dough Friday was 862 cal according to mfp. Sat June 8 I started out the day strong but mostly bc I knew I was gonna party moderately hard that night lol. Parents came home around 2am, which I had to let them in for. I had coffee when I got up later around 7 and went to Joe’s walkathon at Allaire. They had all kinds of snack foods spread out for the walkers. Sometime before we started, I had a small generic granola bar. After the walkathon I had to rush to get to Jessie’s new place for the housewarming party. Ya know, I never thought about how many calories are in beer let alone an IPA, otherwise I wouldve stuck to something lighter. Picked up a 6 pack of Dogfish Head cuz I couldnt find any Long Trails. Idk If I had the whole thing or not (blacked out around 4/5 beers lol). Hey, dont judge I literally only ate a tiny granola bar and a hotdog when I got there and im already a light-weight. I also couldnt pass up the cookies I made when I walked past them from the bathroom lol. I remember having two and mentally telling myself no more. Yesterday Sun June 9, I woke up kinda hungover. Dad asked if I wanted something from Sorrentino’s and i knew a Porkroll and cheese would help my hangover. Mom ditched to flipflop the longtrail again. I felt like shit from what I’d been putting in my body this past week and sorta fell down an *d rabbit hole on youtube and was sorta influenced to fast. So, yesterday, that was all I had. Lots of coffee and a breakfast sandwich. 637 cal. Today Mon June 10, Dad asked if I wanted to go to Sorrentino’s for breakfast. Tbh I woke up simultaneously straving and nauseous (hmm wonder why lol). So I agreed but instead of something heavy and carb loaded, I did the “no carb” platter. Scrambled eggs and bacon, hold the homefries and toast. I think if I do get hungry later today, I’d just have some tea and be good. Hopefully my dad won’t invite me to dinner with him and Susan later. My weight has been fluctuating around 145-147. Also forgot how much clothing can weigh ( about 2 lbs) bc I weighed myself in just my bra and underwear at 144.3 lbs after breakfast. Problem is, its my parents scale in their bathroom so normally when they’re not in I just dash in there (no shoes of course, but still clothed) and weigh myself. So, I put my clothes back on and weighed in at 146.3 lbs. Week average of 145.8 lbs. Honestly not complaining too much cuz that’s still down 3.2 lbs since I started two weeks ago. If i keep fasting and maybe doing omad I can get below 140 a few weeks.