#i didn't watch it regularly at the time and feel personally responsible for it dying smdh

[moriitis]

BloodLust. Ticci Toby x Fem Reader.

Chapter One. MINORS DNI 18+

TRIGGER WARNING AHEAD! [Y/N] -> Your Name. | Word count : 5185

MASTERLIST !! ——————————————————————————————————————

You never really gave it much thought as to how you would die. You knew it would be one day. Old age perhaps, in a care home surrounded by the people that loved you, a family you had created, who sobbed and grieved the loss of such a woman as yourself. Nobody really thinks about the way they would die, life too wrapped up to even consider it. But as your head bled profoundly, making it harder and harder to even think, the warmth of the red liquid draining your very body, it was starting to become a reminder that maybe your death wouldn't be as peaceful as you had imagined, maybe then you wouldn't be laying on the floor thinking about the ultimate end in the first place. Who thinks about death last minute other than a dying person, right? Because this is what you had planned on what was such a peaceful Wednesday night.

It all started with headaches, nosebleeds, memory loss and soon enough, you could only put the blame on your crippling mental health. You went to countless doctor appointments, complaining about each symptom and their only response was to drug you up on whatever pill they had on hand. With the fear that maybe in reality, you were spiralling, you followed orders and downed a handful of each separate pill from each separate bottle until you found yourself most nights knocked out on the couch.

'I'm going to get better, this was just the start.' Is what you told yourself when you began to notice things in the corner of your eyes, when you felt an uneasy feeling of someone watching you and now you were arranging appointments for better security systems inside your home. But when was it going to get better, when the letters began appearing under your door? Love notes of someone confessing themselves to you or when they would send you pictures of you inside your own home, asleep or even getting dressed. You see, feeling better wasn't something that you could convince yourself so easily because the stress of it all snapped and got you. Losing weight was another step, then you could've sworn your hair was falling out and one night, you found yourself in the hall of your apartment complex, having no memory of it at all.

And now you were here, on your wooden floor, dying and desperately trying to fix your blurred vision in an attempt to call for some kind of help. You didn't fall, no, you couldn't have, because you felt the weight of something smack you around the head before you could even collapse.

———————————————-

"I'm dropping out of school." The table around you suddenly grew quiet, your father's lips were pursed like he wanted to say something but before he even could, your mom was already throwing her cutlery down onto her plate. "You're what?" She said and before she could even give you a chance to explain yourself, she was off. "What? What do you mean? You were doing better? Your therapist told us! Everything changed, what happened?! What do you mean dropping out?! You devoted your life to this." "My therapist told you..?" you mumbled softly, letting your gaze drop to your plate. The food was barely touched, the chicken had been picked at from the nerves of even letting this conversation arise and you'd drank at least three full glasses of water before you could bring up this very topic.

Admittedly, you knew medical school wasn't going to work out, it was too much stress load on your shoulders and you desperately needed a more stable job to push through actually paying your rent on time. Med school was unrealistic and simply put, you gave up.

"You can't drop out! You put so much of yourself out there for this, we were so proud of you-" "You were? So what, I drop out and now I'm nothing of a deadbeat daughter, right?" This happened way too regularly, you went round your parents house for dinner and one way or another, you'd wound up in an argument about some useless shit that more than likely would be forgotten about by tomorrow. "Now you know, that is not what I meant," your mom spoke in a stern voice and with your dad now awkwardly in the middle, he slowly poked his chicken breast with his fork as he listened in to what was unfolding around him. "I need some time to myself, I need to go back to therapy, ideally a therapist that doesn't hand out private information to their clients parents." With that, you took one mouthful of chicken and chewed momentarily before standing and grabbing your jacket that hung on the back of your chair. Your mom followed suit in standing, your dad just about but by the time he actually stood you were already by the door with your jacket slipped around one arm and moving to the next. Your mom grabbed your shoulder and pulled you, abruptly holding you hostage for a moment as you turned to face her. Her one soft features had wrinkled given time, her hair had a few strands of odd white ones that she desperately tried to hide with cheap hair dye but no matter what, you could always see it poking through. Seeing your mom growing old was that reminder that life wasn't going to stop and wait until you made up your mind about things, about how you wanted to live your life and leaving med school seemed like a better idea in your head when you thought about it for weeks on end.

"Your therapist spoke to us because you are our daughter, it is our duty as parents," there was a waver in her voice, like an array of emotions were showing through that you couldn't read off her face so well. Being her only daughter, you brought more stress upon this woman than you would've liked too but your relationship with your mom was always a pretty messy one. Hell, one time you refused to speak to each other for a month because of how stubborn you both were. "Bullshit," you spat, your lips wobbled into a frown as your head began to shake, you could hear the way each lie laced her very voice. "You palmed off some money to her, didn't you? I'm not an idiot." And there it was, your mothers silence which could only confirm your guilt. "I'm leaving, see you another time."

As you finished peeling your jacket on, you turned the handle to the door and stepped out into the cold air. Autumn, a couple months prior to your attack. Cold, wet, dreary, the best weather in your opinion. As you walked down the porch steps of your mom's house, the security light switched on as it alerted your presence and there, just out front you could see your car. It was a scrap of metal, nothing amazing, nothing expensive but it worked and really, that was all you needed. You could feel the eyes of your mom lingering on your very being as you got into the car and slammed the door shut. Truth be told, if she wasn't standing at the door watching you as intently as she was now, you would've probably been punching your steering wheel for even allowing yourself into this very position in the first place. Glancing over at your mom, your heart throbbed for a moment and you sucked in a steady breath before giving her a gentle wave, pushing the key into the ignition and letting your crappy car roar to life. That was something you never did, leave on bad terms. Fuck, mom could've dropped dead tomorrow and the last time you spoke to her was about some petty argument.

The drive back to your apartment was slow, you could've sworn luck was not on your side tonight because you were hitting every damned red light imaginable along the way. Just as your pulled up at the parking of your apartment block, a light drizzle of rain started and that was enough to tell you already that you should hit the hay and call it a day. Stepping up the stairs of the building block, you turned and headed toward the direction of your door. Considering you were short of money already, the apartment block wasn't a great one. The neighbours were loud, the carpet of the halls felt sticky every time you stepped on it and your mail would always end up disappearing or ending up in someone's else's mailbox. It was whatever though, right? You had an apartment, a tv, bed and the basic needs like a toilet and shower. What it was. If you could get some work, all you needed was to put some money aside in your savings to hopefully find somewhere better.

Fumbling with the keys in hand, you found the right one and lifted it to push it inside the lock of your door before the sound of anther door opening on your right caught your attention. Anne. She was probably the only neighbour you liked, she was kind and sweet, the occasional arguing you could hear in her apartment was questionable but really, you never found yourself asking her about it because it was her business what happened behind her apartment door. "Hey," she called out and immediately you turned to her, giving a soft brief smile. You were not in the mood for a chat and Anne didn't seem like she was in the best spot either. There were bags under her eyes and she seemed exhausted. "Hi," you replied, short and quick, hoping that maybe she'd get the hint you weren't in much of a talkative mood. "Got something for you." That raised enough interest from you and your head perked up a little, a brow raised in a questioning manner. Before you could give a soft hum, she disappear momentarily like she was fishing for something behind her door and soon she reappeared. It was an envelope, a brown one exact and it looked like your name was written pretty poorly on it, like a child had done it. "What's this?" you found yourself asking as you reached out to take it from her hand. Anne gave a shrug. "Dunno, was in your letter box. Thought I'd save you the effort of looking. Don't worry, I didn't open it, just wanted to hold onto it for you." A kind enough gesture, sure, but did she really have to go through your mail box? Seriously, your mail boxes need keys and locks or something to prevent this from happening. Maybe Anne was just trying to be neighbourly, sure. With a soft smile, you held it up and approached back to your door before pushing it open with your foot. "Thanks, Anne."

Flicking the lights on and pulling the keys out the lock of the door, you used your back to close it behind you and immediately your interest was diverted to that brown envelope. Who the fuck was sending you mail? With no return address either? Not only that, it looked like a kid had written your name on the front. There was slight hesitation as you flipped it around to open it, like a sort of feeling you get when there's paranoia of impending doom. Before you could let your mind ponder on it for any longer, you decided to rip it open and pull out the contents. It was a white letter, folded and as you began to pull it from the envelope itself, you could see what looked like sharpie marks that had bled through the white paper. Narrowing your eyes for a moment, your heart was thumping. Why? Why were you so scared?

'Don't be so angry at your mom.' The letter wrote, the same, sloppy handwriting that was written on the envelope to begin with and now your heart was really pounding. This was recent, too recent, like half an hour recent, surely? You just left your moms house, there was no way you saw anybody near your moms house and how did they know you were pissed at her? Questions flood your mind in a state of panic and now you felt your heart in your ass. Flipping the paper, frantically to look for more answers, you were left in the dark. Why were your hands trembling? Dropping the letter on the small table by the door, you swung it open and immediately began marching to Annes door. She had to have been connected to this, she took your mail to begin with. This all wasn't making sense as your fist began to pound frantically against the wood of her door. There was a beat of nothing, your foot tapping impatiently before you began to hound her door again. The fifth knock and suddenly the door swung open. Not all the way so you could look inside her apartment, just a fraction so her head and face were just about visible and squished between the door itself and the wall next to her.

"Holy, you okay? Knocking pretty-" You cut her off, there was no time for blatant chit chat. "That letter. Who gave it to you?" you were talking so fast that it felt like your words were slurring and your cheeks felt red, like the sheer panic was hitting you harder than you could've imagined. Was it really this big of a deal? Were you overreacting? Before your mind could blurt out more questions at Anne's face, your noticed her nose bleeding and suddenly you felt like an asshole for not noticing it sooner. "Holy shit, your nose, you're bleeding." Anne lifted a finger quickly to touch her upper lip before taking a glance at her finger, like she was suspicious to even believe you. "Yeah, it happens a lot." Anne forced a smile, a smile you could so plainly see through and before you could begin hounding her with questions again, her face disappeared and you found the door closing on you. Shoving a foot between the door, it stopped abruptly before Anne's face reappeared. She looked desperate, a look that almost screamed like she needed help and yet, you were so oblivious to notice. "Anne," you urged, the desperation laced your voice and she didn't hesitate to notice the state that you were in but it wasn't like she reacted in any way, that same, eery smile was plastered across her face. "That letter, where did it come from?" Anne's lip trembled, like she was about to burst into tears and she quickly shook her head. "I'm sorry," she spoke in a hushed whisper, like people were listening to her and she was frantically looking up and down the hall in a paranoid manner. "I had to, I had to, otherwise they wouldn't leave me alone, I had no choice, I'm sorry, I'm sorry." Your face contorted into one of confusion, everything she was saying made no sense, neither her mannerisms and how she was reacting. Your eyes were searching for a hopeless answer and quickly, Anne used her own foot to push yours out from her door and there your answer remained, with the door slammed shut in your face, leaving you to stare at the designs of the wood, speechless and lost.

Raising a hand, you ran it through your hair and felt the tremble. You knew this place was weird, but what the fuck was that? You hesitated, almost wanting to knock again and demand answers but now your brain was running through the words she spoke, desperately searching for a clue, an answer. Little did you know, it had already ended for Anne. She was only passing this problem onto you and it all started with that brown envelope.

Weeks passed and then months, nobody had heard from Anne. The sound of her tv which was heard through your paper thin walls of the apartment was now silent, the soft arguing that sometimes broke out was now naught and you couldn't help but think back on that night where you hounded her for questions. The hopeless apologies she gave you, the desperation in her voice and the way her nose started to bleed almost out of nowhere. A part of you couldn't help but feel it was your fault, for almost harassing her over what seemed like nothing now. Sure, the letter was creepy but it actually didn't feel like that big of an issue in the long run. You hadn't received anymore letters and you had just about managed to convince yourself it was nothing but a prank.

Your worries for Anne only increased when each time you left your apartment, there was a smell that lingered and burned at your nostrils. It was foul. putrid, enough to make you want to heave and each time, you had to pull your shirt up and over your nose to try and block out the smell. Maybe it was a plumbing issue, which wouldn't be a surprise considering this place was a shit hole but the smell lasted for weeks, to the point where your concerns and worries for Anne only increased. It had been almost two months now and as you laid in bed, the smell was drifting almost under your door and hitting you in the face. It was a smell you couldn't even pinpoint, a smell that made you shiver. The only way you could really describe it was like rotting garbage except there was a hint of fruity, rotting undertones. Had the animals gotten at the garbage outside? No, that smell had to be lingering from Anne's apartment and another week of this shit, you were gonna call quits. Pushing the covers off your torso, you slid your feet off the bed and reached out for your phone. It was on the bedside cabinet and the bright light of the screen as you unlocked it hit your tired eyes harder than imagined. You opened up the dial pad and let your fingers hit 911. You hesitated, your gaze glossing over at the time at the top of your phone. It was late and if Anne was okay, this would be a pretty shitty wake up call for her. Your gut was telling you otherwise and soon enough, you found yourself on the phone reporting the crime.

Crime. Your mind was wandering now as they call responder was speaking but it was falling upon deaf ears. Was this a crime? You bit your lip and found yourself hanging up shortly after they confirmed that officers were on your way. Going back to sleep now would be a shitty thing to do and you were wide awake, so you picked up a crappy shirt that had holes and bleach marks scattered across it before slipping it on and over your frame. You took a moment to rub the sleep from your eyes before emerging from your room, taking in the surroundings of what your apartment looked like before heading to grab a glass of water. The water was short lived, you felt so sick at the smell that you could find yourself tasting it with each sip you took so decided to settle with leaving it on the kitchen counter. As you leant against the counter of the kitchen, something caught your attention. Right there, on the coffee table that sat in your living room was that brown envelope. You froze for a moment. You threw that shit out, you were certain of it and now it was sat in your living room? Cautiously, you flicked on the lights to illuminate the living area before stepping over to the coffee table. The brown wrapping of the envelope was pristine, like it had never been torn and you reached down to pick it up and flip it over. It had been torn and upon pulling out the contents, it was the same letter you have received the night you confronted Anne about it. Now you felt a little crazy, why was it here? You hadn't seen it in months and now it turns up again, a little reminder that it happened and that you shouldn't forget about it.

There was a soft knock on your door and you felt your frame jump at the noise, quickly and almost carelessly dropping the envelope down onto the counter before approaching the door to open it. Two officers stood, tall and a little damp from what you assumed was from the light rainfall that was pattering against your window. The first officer that was closest to the door had almost buzzcut hair, a light shade of brown and his partner behind him had more longer hair but tied into a bun. They already seemed repulsed by the smell and it was a relief almost that you weren't the only one who noticed it. "Evening, ma'am," the officer who stood closer to the door spoke and you gave a small nod to acknowledge them. "Next door, you smell it too, I can tell by your face. Look, I don't know, maybe a welfare check or something?" you felt a small urge like plea in your voice, like you actually cared about Anne despite your not so frequent interactions with one another. The officer gave a nod, turning to look at the direction of where Anne's door was. "Know much about her?" the officer with the man bun spoke now and you felt yourself awkwardly fidgeting with the bottom of your shirt. "Her names Anne, she's probably like.. late twenties I think? We don't speak much," you paused, there was hesitation and the officers took note of that. The envelope, what she said to you, you pursed your lips and gave a shrug. "That's all I know." The first officer who knocked gave a nod and turned to his partner. "Let's give a knock, no answer and we'll break down the door. That smell.." his voice lingered and his partner spoke up. "Only smelt it once at a suicide." That stuck with you and your jaw clenched. Suicide? Was he saying this smell was.. a dead person?

Unsure on what to do, you watched and listened intently before the officer closest gave you a nod. "We'll take it from here," he said with a reassuring smile before stepping away. You hesitated, not closing the door as you heard them knocking and calling out for her name not far. You felt conflicted, would it be wrong to wait around and take a peek inside her apartment? Turning, you walked back to your room to slip on some shorts and make yourself at least half decent before sliding on some sliders and stepping out from your apartment. You left the door open for now, seeming as you were pretty close and let your arms wrap around your frame in an attempt for some warmth. The first cop withdrew his gun and giving a nod to his partner, his friend did the same and quickly they kicked the door down. The smell was like nothing now the door was open and you found yourself gagging, eyes watering and you had to step away, attempting to wave a hand in front of your face in a desperate attempt for some clean, fresh air. The officers were more than appalled too but they reacted better than you had and began to step inside. Curiosity nagged at you, harder than anything and you found yourself taking slow steps toward the door of her apartment to peek inside.

It was dark and as the first cop tried the light switch, it was evident her power was out. Had she packed up and left? Maybe the smell was just rotting food from her fridge she forgot to clean out? But then you glanced at the side, where the shoe rack was and there was an array of beautiful shoes. From red heels, to grubby sneakers and wedgies that had a little bow on top. A little snippet of Anne's life you never bothered to put interest into. As you edged closer, you could see that now the cops were using flashlights and that was when you saw it. No, not it, Anne. A bloated corpse, her red hair tangled, her arms above her head as she laid on the floor by her coach. It looked like she was leaking body fluids as there was a soft, brown line around her body and only now, it explained the smell more than anything. Throwing your hands up to your mouth, you just couldn't peel your eyes away. There was so much to look at. Maybe it was that she was actually missing facial features, maybe it was the endless and endless amounts of paper that were scattered across her floor, wall and table. Drawings of some kind, etchings, there were writings too but you couldn't make it out and it wasn't until you glanced at the counter in her kitchen, you noticed something too familiar.

A brown envelope, neatly tucked just above the endless amounts of paper and your heart was thumping. You could feel it in your chest, there was a lump in your throat and now suddenly, with the excess of saliva building up in your throat, you were running back to your apartment begging and hoping you would make the toilet in time to throw up. Your throat burned at the acid, your eyes watering as you tried to erase that imagine of Anne in your mind and now the guilt was eating away at you more than you could've imagine. You had to look again, you just had to and now you found yourself wiping your mouth clean and stepping back out your apartment to glance back in. There was no sign of struggle, but who the fuck bludgeoned her face beyond recognition? You peeled your eyes away, a hand pressed to your forehead in disbelief. The first smell you should've called in, you should've knocked and checked before this happened. Her words now were repeating in your mind.

'I had to, otherwise they wouldn't leave me alone. I'm sorry.'

Who was they? Was she murdered? Your forehead grew sweaty and as you found yourself gazing down the hall, your mind an array of questions and 'what ifs,' you saw a door open a couple doors down and it caught your attention. You wouldn't say you were well acquainted with all your neighbours, but you could always point out a new face when you saw one and that was just it. You've been in this apartment complex for at least nearly two years now and you hadn't once noticed this stranger who was emerging from an apartment down the hall. Had you completely missed that he had moved in? Narrowing your eyes, you noticed tuffs of messy brown hair and his same, almost piercing brown eyes glaring back at you. There was something about his eyes, or the way he was looking at you in general that made you feel a pang of anxiety deep in the pit of your stomach and you swallowed back the urge to heave again. "Hey..!" you called out, now wasn't the time for introductions, sure, but you had to at least confide in a neighbour, right? You found yourself approaching and now this guy was at least taller than you, which already made you regret your decision to approach in the first place. As you grew closer, you saw the door quickly coming to a close and you reached your hand out to stop it. "Hey-" you said again, a little softer and friendlier this time before a voice cut you off. "N—.. Not interested, lady-.." You narrowed your eyes, that was pretty rude so you pressed again, not letting that door get shut in your face. "You smelt it too, didn't you? It's not hard to miss-" before you could even finish your sentence, the door swung open and you nearly fell flat before catching yourself with your foot.

The guy inside emerged, tall, maybe just about pushing six foot even and he had brown, messy hair. There were visible bags under his eyes and he was so pale, like he never left his apartment. Your eyes immediately noticed the gauze on the side of his face, covering just the corner of his lip and cheek and you pulled your eyes away to not seem rude. He took a look at you, his jaw clenched and he peered back down the hall. The officers had emerged and it seemed they were calling for some more units on the scene. Your gaze followed momentarily but you quickly looked back at him, it was hard to even catch a peek of what was inside his apartment as everything was dark. Not much of a surprise considering it was late. "Sh— Shame.. isn't it?" he spoke, his voice was husky and you noticed the the way he stammered and occasionally almost ticked as he stood in his doorway. You narrowed your eyes questioningly. "Well, she obviously k-k.. killed herself." His words hurt harder than you imagined. "How do you know-" you were cut off again. "I j-j-just moved in," he seemed pretty bothered by something, you could maybe only assume it was his stammer. Then he clicked and his head twitched, you tried to ignore it. "Toby." There was no handshake and awkwardly, you shuffled in your spot. Pursing your lips, you forced a friendly smile. This was a weird night. "Y/N." Toby finally forced a smile but it didn't seem very inviting, it was the opposite and now you felt a little uneasy. "I should go sleep, work in the morning.." you mumbled. You were unemployed, that was just an excuse to get out of this guys weird fucking aura. "S-S-S-.." he clenched his jaw, clearing his throat. "Sure."

Feeling his eyes on you, you turned and walked back to your apartment. Who the fuck was that guy and why was he giving super weird, creepy vibes? Before you stepped inside your apartment, you glanced at Anne's door and your heart twinged a little. You felt so.. guilty and upset but you could only hope morning would give more answers to the endless questions you were going to plague yourself with. Shooting a glance back up at Toby, he quickly slammed his door shut and you felt that pang of uneasiness again. As you dragged your feet in and shut your own door behind you, taking note to lock it, your eyes slowly creeped back to that envelope. Before you could consider the endless possibilities of how this thing ended back up inside your apartment, you felt something drip down your upper lip and hit your shirt. It was warm and instinctively, you raised a finger to press against your lip.

It was blood.

[silly-sirenz]

Hi! I’d love to get a matchup for Hazbin Hotel! 💓💖💕

my pronouns are she/her and I’m asexual biromantic (so any gender is fine). I’m an ESFJ and a Gemini. I have green eyes and dyed cherry red hair. I dress with vintage/fairy grunge clothes. Long skirts and corsets are my fav type of outfit. I wear lots of rings and crystal/pearl necklaces and love to exchange them with others.

I’m the mom friend of the group, always there for everyone and my friends say that I’m really good at comforting people. I’m also calm and responsible, I usually am the one that takes care of other people. I’m very optimistic, I always try to see the good in everything and I often put other’s needs before my own. I love making others laugh to lighten the situation. I’m not afraid to stand up for myself or for someone else but sometimes it’s hard for me to say no to things. I also dislike when someone is too serious and really can’t take a joke as I tend to use humor as my coping mechanism. I’m also very ambitious, I always try to achieve my goals.

My love languages are, receiving, physical touch and words of affirmation and giving, quality time and words of affirmation.

I absolutely love listening to music, it helps me relax and I really like reading. I especially love fantasy and I recently got into greek mythology. I also love watching horror movies even though it’s impossible to scare me. I also play Dungeons and Dragons with my friends anytime I can. also, I absolutely love musicals and I’m definitely a theatre kid.

Have a great day <3

I'd be happy to match you up 🖤

Your matchup is....

💟VELVETTE💟

● Velvette comes across one of your posts on PentaGram. It's an ootd with a few new items you've bought. It's not something she'd personally wear, but she thinks it looks really good on you.

● She decides to follow your account. Maybe you could inspire some new looks for her next fashion show.

●When you see the notification on your phone you almost faint.

●Not you being mutuals with an Overlord-

●I mean, you're flattered but how do you make the first move now? Suddenly you get an idea...

●In your next post, you wear some jewellery from her brand. It gets her attention and she comments,

nice necklace you've got there 🤫💟

●From there, you begin an online friendship and DM most days. Conversation at first is mainly centred about clothes. However, pretty soon, you begin talking about your personal lives.

●She uses lots of emojis. Her signature one is "💟".

●Also, pet names. Her go-to is "hun".

●You are both the "mom friends" of your respective friends groups, so Velvette feels pretty relaxed when ranting about the other Vees to you. And there's something about the way she talks, the cadence maybe, or perhaps the bluntness that makes her stories funny to you.

ugh he calls himself an overlord. "trust us with your entertainment". yeah right... i wouldn't trust him to cause a piss up in a brewery!

love him to bits tho ofc 💟

●Because you have a similar sense of humour, you find it easy to be yourself around Velvette. Aren't people meant to feel scared around overlords?

●You weren't expecting her to be so friendly, never mind asking to meet up in person!

●The first time you meet, she invites you to a concert for one of your favourite artists at the Vee tower and you are a little terrified.

●However, once you arrive, she comes over and gives you the biggest hug and all those nerves disappear.

●You hang out pretty regularly. Usually in the Vee tower due to her high profile. You often talk about your interests whilst watching movies.

●She doesn't quite get the appeal of Dungeons and Dragons, however she takes an odd amount of interest in your rants about mythology. You're not sure why, it didn't seem like her thing...

●The date of her next fashion show rolls along. She has kept the details very secret, however she has given you a front row seat.

●The designs are stunning, with some familiar features. Draped fabric, pearls, metallic plates, gold accents, winged shoes... it's all inspired by the mythology you told her about!

● At the end, she invites you onstage and thanks you for inspiring her day after day. Afterwards, she kisses you on the cheek.

"Honestly hun, you are amazing. Can you blame me for showing you off? Now... how about you explain this Dragon whats-it game again? I want to understand it more this time."

[weapon-ish]

alright long long sappy weird post incoming abt my own personal story of being an ao3 author with a "sorry i haven't updated in a while! [some of the wildest shit you've ever heard] haha i should be back at it more regularly soon though! thanks for your patience!"

for context i last posted a fanfic, my first and only one i published, TEN YEARS AGO. like almost ten years and one month to the day. i was fourteen?! and it was well received and boosted my confidence a lot - several writers i really admired complimented me, and a few artists even made fanart of it (and ALL the art was amazing!!!!!!!!!) it absolutely blew my mind. like, people were so freaking nice to me about my very first published fanwork, and it really really meant a lot to me then and still does now, that people cared enough about something i made to make something in response.

but also it made me nervous to put out anything else. i had other stuff i'd already written, and i had more ideas. but what if i just got lucky the first time? or the semi-sequel i was planning just didn't live up to the first one? all kinds of stuff that i think is probably really really normal for people to feel about Sharing Their Work. but i was very in my head about the whole thing. if i couldn't do it just as good or better the next time, i didn't want to do it At All.

and unfortunately, in the most typical fashion for an ao3 author, i had a life-altering medical emergency almost immediately after publishing. i had been sick for a while, trying to hide it. but it turns out i was, like, dying sick. like "i'm now permanently disabled" sick. and i'm okay enough now, but. life got significantly harder after that. many days i barely had the energy to watch television from my bed, much less sit at my desk and actually Write Something. my brain was fried and scrambled. my body was wrecked. i was deeply traumatized by my experiences.

(i will never, ever forget the kindness of one of my favorite fanartists; she drew me a card with my favorite characters holding balloons that spelled out "get well soon!" i didn't cry much in the hospital, but i cried a lot about that. i looked at it every day that i could physically operate my phone. i still have it saved. she sent it the first week i was in and i looked at it as much as i could for the next month i was there.)

for about a year, i didn't leave my house except for medical appointments, or maybe to visit my brother, and those visits were mostly just us sitting on the couch and watching things together. even that was hard, i'd fall asleep. but he was good to me.

and even when i got a little better, i still couldn't really leave the house, i could just sit at my computer. but i started making friends on the internet, actual good friends, people with similar experiences and interests. and when i was sixteen, after i finally got another surgery i really needed, i went on my first trip in years to visit an internet friend. i flew to another state by myself to meet a person i met on tumblr. crazy, right? but it was awesome. we're still dear friends. and a little later, another friend rode a bus halfway across the country to stay a week with me over a school break - and they were amazing. i met both those friends again, i even saw one of them last year, we still love each other so much.

having my brother and those internet friends genuinely gave me will to live. they saw what i was going through, and loved me relentlessly through it. they were completely understanding and accepting of my disability, even the objectively gross parts of it, and never made me feel bad for it. they showed me that my life, while radically altered, was not anywhere near over - that i could be disabled and also extremely happy. i didn't know that. in that hospital, i was so close to being entirely hopeless about anything ever being good again. on that airplane, at that bus station, i was so full of excitement and elation to be living. even when we weren't together, there was promise for more chances to see each other. even if i was tired, or in extreme pain, or nervous, i had love. so much love.

but i still lost a lot. head still scrambled, brain fog constant. i fell out of touch with creative writing, which was something i had loved since i was a small child. i mean, how do you write when it's hard to even read? i was a voracious reader as a kid, but not so much After. i say After because even though it all happened when i was just fourteen, i felt like i lost any chance to be a kid. like i lost a massive part of who i was, because i was used to who i was being what i could do, and i suddenly couldn't do those things. not the same way.

i was afraid to even try anymore. my skills had degraded and the prospect of having to truly work at what was once so easy, so natural to me - it seemed absolutely insurmountable. chatting about headcanons, sure, easy-ish! stream of consciousness. writing? actually writing things to show people? much harder. i even wrote my diaries in cryptic ways, strange fonts and multiple things overlaid in different colors, just to make sure nobody could judge the quality of - of my writing to myself.

and then, yknow, other life things happened. trying to graduate. getting a job and working myself to death to impress people (who did not care in the slightest about how hard i tried, and tossed me away like trash for being disabled.) the death of a very important person in my life. moving out. a string of questionable relationships and one actually really really bad one. trying to recover any of my sanity or self esteem after being abused by someone i trusted. bouncing between housing situations and sleeping in my car. finding love! the real deal! surviving the first half-year of the pandemic as an immunocompromised person with six roommates all working service jobs. multiple other devastating deaths. yknow, like? other insane shit? just really truly bonkers shit?

and in the last two or three years, i've gotten a chance to... relax. slow down. i live with just my wife now, in a decently sized place. i repaired my relationship with my parents. i have a polycule of extremely wonderful people, and really incredible friends. i'm not afraid of my partners. i'm respected by the people in my life. i'm allowed and encouraged to like things, to really like things, to not be ashamed of being autistic and having special interests. i'm encouraged to be creative in any form i want to try. my physical health isn't great, but it's stable. i'm stable.

and i decided... i wanted to write again. to try. even if it wasn't easy like it used to be. even if it wasn't "as good" as something i did ten years ago, nearly half my life ago. even if nobody cared except my friends. to just do it because i have thoughts, and feelings, and they're bouncing around inside my heart and my brain and my soul and i want to let them out! i want to share. i've decided that i do not have to be afraid of sharing.

and, like, is that kind of a silly point to come to? that i lived through hell and now... want to be unashamed to write and post fanfiction? maybe, i don't know, maybe a little bit.

but also, it's been almost exactly a decade since i got my shit wrecked by my own biology. i wrote and shared that first fanfic while i was trying to hide an extreme illness from my family - i had been getting sicker for months, and i didn't know why. but i didn't want help. i was deeply convinced it was better to die slowly than inconvenience anyone.

i wrote and published a silly fic to distract myself from something horrifying that was happening to me. and few weeks later - shit well and truly hit the fan, and i did die multiple times, and then i got to live with the consequences of not asking for help when i needed it. (and the consequences of medical malpractice! that's a big one too. not everything was on me. like, definitely some of it, but not all of it.)

and now i'm, like, pretty happy with my life. i have so much good all around me. i actually want to live, i have plans for my future, i have goals. and. i have the kindness to just. let myself enjoy things, process things creatively, think more kindly about my own work. be less hypercritical of myself and less fearful of judgement. so. i want to write? about things that interest me? not to distract from something awful, but purely as an expression of something inside me that wants to connect to the outside world. as a means to get back to everything i (intentionally or unintentionally) cut myself off from. it seems right.

in conclusion. earlier today i posted my first real live actual fanfiction in over ten years. and that's on the spiritual healing powers of being gay & transgender

[agustdef]

With All My Heart

Pairing: Tattoo Artist!Hoseok x Doctor!Reader.

Genre: Established Relationship; Angst; Fluff

Word Count: 11K

Warning: Angsty. Language...?; Mention of Death; Mentions of mental health struggles

Rating: PG15

Banner Maker: @httpangelicjimin​ who was wonderful enough to remake this one after realized the other wouldn’t work and then proceeded to use it for I Found You.

Beta Reader: @suhdays​ who knew I was in a rush and was kind enough to offer to beta it for me without me asking. 

When Hoseok came home from his last appointment, he found the apartment mostly silent and way cleaner than when he’d left that morning. Probably cleaner than after the weekly Sunday morning routine was finished, which was impressing and worrisome. But also made him hopeful.

After discarding his shoes and jacket at the door, he headed to the bedroom where he found YN already settled into bed. She wore a large shirt – with the words fight me with a leprechaun on front – that she’d probably stolen from Yoongi’s closet during their last visit, her bonnet, and a koala face mask. Her eyes were focused on the TV on the wall opposite their bed and she hummed along with the intro to the anime she was watching.

It was the most relaxed he’d seen her in weeks.

“Hey baby,” he said.

That drew her attention towards him, and she smiled when they locked eyes, though that stopped as soon as her mask shifted. She was happy to see him and had missed him after the day she’d spent alone. Not that she was lonely or anything, but it felt nice to break away from being by herself.

“Hi. You’re home early. I thought you had to work on that big piece tonight?” she said.

That made Hoseok annoyed in an instant. He huffed and rolled his eyes while his fingers ran through his hair. The memory of the evening he had before, and after he finished what turned into his last client filled his head.

“She called and said she couldn't make it. Which was fine, because I wasn't up to working on it tonight anyway. I'm still feeling sick I guess. But, then she kept changing her mind, and when she finally decided to come - and said she was on her way - she didn't come at all. No response to calls or any of the messages I sent. But I was scrolling through the shop's feed while waiting for my other person only to see her at some other shop we follow getting a different tattoo. I just told her that if she wasn’t going to honor appointments and give me the run around, then we weren’t the right fit.”

In response YN frowned. It was clear how annoyed and tired he was, even without the added stress of a wishy washy, client who just thought they could do whatever the hell they wanted when requesting someone’s time. She wanted to knock the girl upside her head, but it wasn’t realistic, and she’d never go out of her way to attack someone. Though the idea of cussing her out if she appeared at the shop when YN was around didn’t seem too terrible of a plan.

However, that wasn’t something that either of them lingered on long because Hoseok sneezed five times in a row and by the third he seemed wiped out.

YN took off her mask and threw it in the trash near her side of the bed before hopping up. She opened her bedside table and pulled out a thermometer, which she quickly freed from its little bad as she rounded the bed to where he stood. Hoseok knew better than to argue so his mouth opened before she even raised her arm to stick it in.

They stood there for a moment staring at each other, until they heard the beep and when YN looked at the temperature she winced.

“You went up so much since this morning. You’re practically at fever levels. Go take a shower and get in bed. I’ll get some stuff for you to take,” she said.

There was no way Hoseok would argue with how he felt. It was like once he was at home and stopped moving his body had started to give up. He felt heavy and he ached a little here and there. His head also felt a little weird, but he chalked up part of that to being frustrated. So, once she stepped away from him he dragged himself to the bathroom.

By the time he finished his shower and pulled on some clothes, YN was already back in the room. She’d had a bowl, a mug, and a glass of water sitting on the table near his side of the bed. And she was unfolding a blanket, which Hoseok recognized as one the weighted ones. It was something that YN pulled out whenever one of them was having a tough time sleeping or in general, and when they got sick. Something about the thing eased the body into relaxation that neither of them had ever felt before.

When she noticed his arrival, she smiled at him and patted the bed. Hoseok moved as quickly as his body would allow him and plopped down onto the bed. Before he could do much else she placed the bowl into his hands.

“It’s a mix of the broths from the soup your mom brought and that Mama Min brought. You are to never tell them that I did this. Or that while both are good they taste next level combined. I will not be killed because I took care of you,” she said.

At that Hoseok laughed, and then drank down the broth. YN wasn’t wrong about it being better combined, which was part of the reason he downed it despite the burn he felt. Naturally, YN chastised him as he did because she could see the pain on his face, but he paid her no mind. Once finished, she replaced the bowl with the mug and one look inside had him sitting it down.

“You know I don’t like that version of ginseng. Why can’t I drink the other one?” he whined.

“Because it’s the kind that helps you the most and it hides the taste of the medicine you hate so much. This is your own fault for being a wimp and not wanting to drink it down by itself. So drink it,” she said.

Of course, he didn’t do it right away. Hoseok stared YN down and attempted his best puppy dog eyes and pout, but was met with an unamused expression that became more uncaring as each second passed. That didn’t deter hum though, at least not for about a minute or so when it was clearly she only grew more impatient with him.

With a huff he grabbed the mug and quickly downed the shot of ginseng and medicine. He winced in reaction to how bitter it was and immediately snatched the glass of water up as YN took the mug from him. Once he’d downed that as well she grabbed all the dishes and headed out of the bedroom.

“Get comfortable in bed,” she called back.

Upon return she had both of their 34oz water bottles filled up and ready for them to drink through the night if need be. Which for Hoseok was often while sick and because she’d caught a little of his cold she too needed a few sips at random times if she woke up.

After giving it to him, she climbed into bed and slid under the blanket. It may have been summer but they tended to keep their room on the colder side, which meant that they wouldn’t overheat just because they slept under them; which was good because YN needed to be under a blanket to sleep.

Getting comfortable didn’t take them long, since they were both so wiped out from their days. And despite Hoseok’s sickness they cuddled together, because unlike him YN continued her dose of medicine until it was gone. She knew she wasn’t one hundred percent better even when the symptoms appeared to have left her completely.

They stayed cuddled together for about half an hour watching what YN had on before he’d come home. Nothing felt tense or awkward in their silence, just comfortable and relaxed.

But as time went on Hoseok remembered the feeling he’d had upon his arrival home. The worry that filled him when he saw how much she’d cleaned by herself in the time he’d been gone. And the hope he’d had at knowing she’d found enough energy to even make the effort to clean that much in the first place. She’d been out of it for weeks and it was the first major sign that something changed. Or that’s what he wished for.

Hoseok turned his head to look at her, well more like assess her face. It was relaxed and she seemed genuinely interested in what was on the screen and not off in her own little world. Though once she realized he was staring she turned his way and his assessment was over almost as quickly as it began.

“Can I help you?” she asked, her brow raised.

For a moment Hoseok debated telling her no, but that didn’t sit right with him. He needed to say something or it would bother him until he blurted it out. Or there was a chance she’d bottle it all up and not say anything at all because she was fine or she didn’t want to dump on him because he wasn’t her therapist.

“How was your session?” he asked.

There was a momentary change in her expression, but she didn’t let it linger for long. That made him even more worried, but he waited for her to say something. Though he knew if she was holding back and if he should push her.

“It was fine, I guess. Less crying than usual. We talked about all my other issues and saved how I was feeling about my mom for last. I think she hoped that by keeping me in a time constraint of twenty minutes I’d be forced to get out the main issues first and avoid going off into tangents. She was very wrong about that and the appointment ran for half an hour longer than it should have. I’d gotten so worked up that it wasn’t wise to try to force me down quickly,” she said.

Hoseok nodded along and reached under the blanket to grab her hand but didn’t utter a word. Just like her therapist he wanted her to let things out at her own pace.

“I mean it’s getting easier, but I don’t know. How is one supposed to process the death of their mother? And it doesn’t help that on top of that it’s dealing with how we were estranged. Knowing that my mix of apathy and deep hurt are valid. That it’s okay that I’m not as torn up about her dying as I think I should be. That I’m not torn up about losing a chance at speaking to the sibling that I never wanted to deal with because he moved back to the US. Dealing with calls from a slew of aunts and uncles who regularly give no fucks about me, questioning why I’m not there, and why I chose not to be heavily involved in the process. Why I could only show up. Why I didn’t stay longer.”

The more she spoke the shakier her voice got and it broke Hoseok’s heart. She was getting better and he knew that, but he always knew it was a lot to overcome. The loss of her only parent, despite their relationship, was something hard to deal with or so he imagined it. It had even affected Yoongi a great deal since he’d been close to her before too, but he recovered faster.

More than anything, Hoseok wished he could find some magic way to lessen the pain and confusion for her, but he felt just as helpless as when she found out. She’d come to the shop when she still had six hours of her twelve hour shift left to go and looked in shock. Without a word she’d run into Yoongi’s arms as he’d come out of his room after hearing Jungkook’s frantic calls. There she burst into tears, and through the sobbing told them that her mother had been in a car accident and didn’t make it.

None of them, except Yoongi, had ever seen her cry that hard and he tried his best to be her rock, but he broke with her. They broke down in the middle of the shop, falling to their knees as they cried together. The boys decided to close after that and just let them cry, comforting them when they could. And at some point they called Beau and Mama Min to tell them what had happened.

From there, they had to wait until they were calm enough to get them in a car to head back to Yoongi’s place. There they were met by Beau and Mama Min, who accepted them with open arms. The sobbing started all over again and they slowly got them to calm down enough to eat and shower. Everyone assumed it was a sleepover kind of situation, so they’d gotten Jin and Taehyung to swing by their places to grab stuff for them.

The entire night was just everyone surrounding YN on the makeshift nest they’d made. She never once let go of Yoongi’s hand and he didn’t dare release hers. And as they slept she cuddled into Mama Min’s side holding onto her for dear life with her other hand.

Seeing her shattered like that was eye opening for Hoseok, and he tried his best to make sure she was okay. Work gave her two weeks off, but when she didn’t bounce back quickly they extended the leave for a little longer. Then when that ran out she used vacation time she’d saved up. That was the start of when she actually made progress in not being a shell of her former self and Hoseok would tell her to take off all the time in the world if it meant that she’d be better.

But, as Hoseok sat there thinking about how he wished there was something he could do to fix things he realized there was something he could at least try to make her feel a bit better. And it would allow him to do something that he’d been wanting to for a while.

Smiling at her he leaned down and pressed a kiss to her forehead before pulling away and staring into her eyes.

“We haven’t gone out in a while. So, what do you say about us and everyone going out to the beach for a week? We can do it next week too. Go to the beach house and hang out, have some fun,” he said.

For a moment it felt like she’d say no, especially because she looked so emotional, but then she nodded. And Hoseok watched as a smile worked its way onto her lips, bigger and more genuine than he’d seen in a while.

“That sounds like what I need,” she said.

Happy with that, Hoseok leaned down and pressed a quick kiss to her lips before pulling away and snuggling into her. They continued their comfortable cuddly night in and slowly drifted to sleep together. Hoseok’s mind focused on planning things out perfectly until he knocked out.

The day before they were to leave to head to the beach house YN had planned to spend it packing and relax because the journey was tiresome. However, Hoseok had other plans and just as she finished packing her stuff he called her to come down to the shop for the night. Saying no was an option, but he sounded so excited that she couldn’t help but say yes.

So, on a Friday night when she could’ve been in her home eating and playing video games she found herself in Hoseok’s tattoo room by herself. Upon her arrival she’d been told he’d run out for a second and would be back in a bit. And in that case a bit meant thirty minutes or so after she got there.

Annoyed was an understatement, especially when she saw that he read the texts she’d sent asking him where he was. When it got too much, she got up to leave, but the moment she put her hand on the knob she was stumbling back because the door was being pushed open from the outside.

Hoseok – sweaty and breathing heavily – held bags of food and balanced multiple drinks in a tray. His eyes were wide and his mouth open in that uncomfortable mouth breathing way. Like YN could see the man’s uvula clear as day.

For a while they stood there staring at each other, that was until Hoseok regained control of his breathing.

“Were you about to leave?”

“Yes. You asked me to come at a specific time and you’re not here. Then I have to wait over thirty minutes where you open and don’t respond to my texts. How much longer did you think I was going to stay? Especially since you asked me to come here when I planned to not leave the couch until I absolutely had to all night,” she said.

At that Hoseok frowned. Moving past her a little he placed the stuff down in the tattoo chair that was reclined back. Then he moved to stand in front of her, his hands cupped her face. He stared at her expression and saw the slight bags under her eyes and the lingering sadness. She’d done so well for almost a week following his proposal of the beach trip, but the last day or two something shifted.

Her mother’s husband had found a way to contact her and it had thrown her off. Though the conversation had gone well it had brought her two steps back. Hoseok had woken up to her crying in the middle of the night and through the tears she’d managed to say that she felt like she was doing something wrong despite knowing she wasn’t. Despite knowing she was doing what was best for her and her mental state she felt like it was all wrong. Overthinking her decisions needlessly. The next morning – after he’d gotten her to sleep – she apologized and told him she knew that she was right and having a conversation with her mother’s husband that didn’t go horribly or fill her with anger felt off.

Things got better after that, but it took more than a moment of clarity and a talk with her therapist over the phone to get her back to where she’d been before. And that was why Hoseok had come up with the idea to call her into the shop. Well Jungkook and Taehyung came up with the idea to take her out before they all left, but he came up with what they’d do.

“I know, but I wanted to do something before we left. I swear we shouldn’t be here all night and I got that burger you were craving,” he said, a pout formed on his lips.

The usual thing would be for YN to throw the smallest of fits because she felt so tired, but his stupid face was there and she couldn’t say no. Plus she hadn’t left the apartment much in a week and needed the change of scenery even if it wasn’t a major one.

YN sighed. “Fine.”

With her answer and the small smile he saw fighting to take form on her lips Hoseok finally stopped his pouting. Leaning forward he pressed a quick kiss to her lips before releasing his hold on her face and moving over to the food. He carefully removed everything from the bags and then ran to put two of the four drinks in the tray into his mini freezer.

All the while YN stood and watched him; she hadn’t wanted to get in the way of what he was doing. The man could be anal about how things were handled when he was attempting to make some nice gesture and she’d been on the end of one of his glares before. Though she knew he wasn’t actually mad she knew not to push it further. There was no need for her to deal with a pouty baby later because things veered off plan; especially since she’d shown up before he could get back.

“Okay, so I know you were craving a burger and I went to the place you like and got you a double cheeseburger with extra pickles and a large fry. Also, a sprite and a chocolate milkshake,” he said.

Hearing him list the things made something stir inside YN. After giving into him she’d gotten less annoyed, but that hadn’t meant her mood shifted completely. Despite not being actively sad she felt down and having him get her the thing she’d been craving and getting her out of the house brightened her day. The corners of her mouth even turned up in a smile, something that hadn’t graced her lips once since she’d arrived – or all that day for that matter.

So, she watched as he excitedly continued and reassured her that the things she didn’t like weren’t on the burger and that he thought it would be good for them to sit in his room to eat. There was something about another plan of his, but she barely heard him as she smiled and watched him closely. His smile grew as he excitedly spoke of his idea, causing her own to do the same.

Hoseok was mid-ramble when he noticed that she was smiling at him. A truly genuine one at that. It made his heart beat a little erratically, but he didn’t mind at all. YN’s happiness was his priority and it felt good for him to see that she looked happy, even for a moment.

“Should we start eating?” he asked.

She nodded and he moved one of his chairs over to her so she could sit down to eat her food at the tattoo chair. In many cases she’d object, but the smell of multiple disinfectants told her that he’d cleaned the thing multiple times before her arrival. Plus, he’d laid a paper you’d see when you went to the doctor over the seat, so there was an added barrier from the food and the not so cleanly people who sometimes sat in it.

Though her mouth watered at the smell and the visual of her food YN waited until Hoseok was seat in his own chair across from her. He gave her a pointed look that she knew well from all the times he got annoyed at her not just eating and she dug into it without a word.

Not speaking was something they maintained for a few minutes before Hoseok swallowed a bite that he barely chewed.

“Did you finish getting everything ready?” he asked.

She nodded, because unlike him she liked to chew her food quite a bit before swallowing it.

“Yeah. Everything of mine is packed, as well as stuff we need for the beach, most of the snacks, and I grabbed all your stuff but didn’t pack it.”

Hoseok scoffed. “Good.”

At that she couldn’t help but to roll her eyes.

“You could’ve just let me pack it all for you. That way you don’t have to worry about it when you get home. Plus, you’re going to ask me to help when something doesn’t fit anyway,” she mumbled.

“I can back my own stuff. I’m a big boy. Besides who says I’ll need your help this time, I’m not even taking a whole lot with me.”

There was no verbal response to that, just a shake of the head as she gave up on the topic. At the end of the day she knew she was right and that Hoseok would come to her whining about something not fitting right or being unable to zip the bag. And the solution would be to refold something, rearrange how things sat, or make him realize he didn’t need as many pairs of shoes as he packed. And he definitely didn’t need to bring multiple colors of the same chunky, ugly pair of shoes that she hated.

She wished she could burn them but he loved them too much.

From there silence persisted for a bit and then she randomly turned her head to see a sketch on his wall of an anime she’d watched a long time ago. Naturally, that started a whole conversation about it and how much Hoseok hadn’t liked it as a kid. Something about his sister forcing him to watch it and him not liking the main character. Which led to a discussion about other main characters they both didn’t like. It spiraled into the difference between characters made unlikable as a part of their stories and how some were just not great and people played them off as unlikable on purpose. That didn’t stop people critiquing them though. Definitely didn’t stop YN.

As they talked their food lessened until it was gone. Hoseok took the initiative to clean it up and directed YN to the freezer. She grabbed their shakes and sat the one that was clearly white and black down on his side, grabbing a straw and jabbing it into her own cup. Her lips wrapped around it to pull some of the frozen treat up, but she struggled with how thick it was. When she finally got some out she pulled away with a smile.

“I see it’s up to your standards of thick. Sure you don’t want a spoon?” he asked upon his return to the seat.

YN shook her head vigorously and went in for more. Part of her brain hated the struggle, but the joy that filled her each time she finally got some was too great. The thick milkshakes were always the best.

While she did that Hoseok moved to his computer and turned on some music, his usual tattooing playlist blasted through the speakers. He turned it down when he saw YN flinch and then slid his chair back over to the seat. He grabbed his own straw and milkshake and sucked it down. It was thick, but the normal kind. No part of him had the patience to wrestle with his food or drink, so despite how much creamier it was her way he chose not to suffer.

About half the milkshake was gone before he got up from the seat and snatched YN’s from her hand – despite protest – to put back in the freezer. When he turned around he was met with her pouting and he wanted to give it back but they had other things to do as well.

“There’s another reason I asked you to come,” Hoseok said.

“Which is?”

He didn’t respond, just gathered a few things and prepped his small rolling table for tattooing before pushing towards her. There was no time to process what he meant by the action because then he was whipping off his shirt and taking a seat in the tattoo chair.

His intentions were beyond clear.

“Today?” she asked.

“Today.”

“But I-”

“Aht, no buts. You’re ready to do this and you were so excited to get to tattoo an actual person. So, today you’re going to do me and then Yoongi another time. Probably the others too since they’re all babies who can’t be left out.” He rolled his eyes while he said the last bit.

“That’s so many, I didn’t sign up for that. And why now? I’m not prepared for this. I don’t even have the stencil ready or-”

Again she didn’t get far because Hoseok pointed to a sheet of paper on the table that had various copies of the tattoo they’d agreed on and a pair of scissors.

The man had truly taken the time to make sure that everything was set. Which was sweet, but also spiked YN’s nerves. So much that any sadness that she’d felt was nowhere on her mind.

Hesitation was clear on her face as Hoseok watched her and he worried she was stuck amid her sadness, but then he noticed the nervous glint in her eyes. He found it cute that the woman cut open people for a living and was worried about how her tattoo would come out. Even though she caught onto tattooing faster than anyone in the shop and had the steadiest hand of all of them.

Reaching over Hoseok cupped her face and forced her gaze on him.

“You’ll do fine. We chose this tattoo because it was quick and basic. Line work and some shading. You even did it a million times on oranges, lemons, and grapefruit. It’ll be great,” he encouraged.

There was an urge to protest, but YN didn’t. She rose from her seat and walked out of the room. She went to wash her hands and then came back to slip gloves onto them. She lifted the arm rest and placed his arm on it, careful to look around for a good spot. Hoseok was tattooed almost completely on both arms, but there was a spot on his left forearm that had enough space.

From there she was kind of on autopilot. She cut the stencil and placed it on the spot to double check that it would work. Once pleased she set it back on the table and grabbed an antiseptic wipe to clean the area. She spent way too much time on that, but Hoseok didn’t comment on it. Before she knew it she was actually placing the stencil onto his skin and peeling it off, the thin purple lines transferred perfectly.

By then the nerves had returned and she was ready to back down, but then she made eye contact with Hoseok and he gave her an encouraging smile. She couldn’t stop then, she needed to see the tattoo through.

She got the gun and the ink ready, but the vibe felt off. So, without a word she rolled over to the computer and pulled off a glove. There were several clicks before Jonghyun’s beautiful voice filled the space. It was the first song on her surgery playlist and in a way tattooing was like that, so it was the perfect relaxer.

After replacing the glove she took off with another one she got to work. The tip of the needle dipped into the black ink and using her free hand she pressed Hoseok’s arm down and began the tattoo.

The design was a crescent moon – which would be shaded in – and a sun combined. Where the moon stopped lines and dots of varying lengths were used to make clear that it was the sun. Nothing intricate, but still something she worried about messing up.

Her movements were careful and steady, her hand moving easily as she traced the outline of the moon. It took her shorter than she thought even with her excessive wiping, but she wasn’t pleased with the outcome. It wasn’t bad at all, basically perfect. However, she’d been so nervous that the lines were too thin.

“If you want it thicker you can do it. I know Yoongi worked with you on that the last few sessions. I only taught you to start with thinner lines just in case you’re unsure,” Hoseok offered as if he read her mind.

YN nodded, chewing on her lower lip as she went in again. That time her lines were a little heavier and though part of her worried that it was a mistake to make them that thick, by the time she’d finished and wiped the excess she was pleased with it.

Being happy with her outcome meant that she felt more confident, which meant she went into the next part with less worry. She shaded the moon in with vigor and had to mutter a few apologies when Hoseok whined about her being too aggressive. It was just that she got excited and so into the work.

Which meant that she didn’t notice Yoongi when he’d silently entered the room. He stood behind her, though about a foot away so he wasn’t crowding her. Him and Hoseok watched as she finished the shading and went on to the lines to create the sun. Her hand moved carefully as she did and though there were a few curses when she thought she messed up, there were also those lightbulb moments when she realized she could make up the length with a few extra dots. Nothing ruined at all.

Once finished she set the gun to the side and carefully used the other items on the table to clean it. Seeing the cleaned version had her scared it was a mess, but the more she stared at it the more she liked it.

“You did good. How the hell did you get that to curve so fluidly?” Yoongi said, startling her with his sudden presence.

“She was so worried she’d mess up, I told her it would be fine,” Hoseok said.

Involuntarily, YN rolled her eyes. They enjoyed double teaming her on everything, but self-doubt was by far their favorite.

“Let the man see the new tattoo,” Yoongi said, playful nudging her shoulder.

Her eyes widened as she remembered he couldn’t see it well from the angle he was at and she moved away from the chair so he could get up. Hoseok immediately went over to the floor length mirror hanging near the door. He held out his arm and examined it closely – and for way too long – without saying anything. If he hadn’t smiled before he spoke she would’ve thrown up in fear he hated it.

“I told you, you’d do good baby,” he said.

Tension melted from her body at that and Hoseok watched on in joy. Not only had she accomplished her first tattoo, but she also appeared genuinely happy. There was nothing about her that exuded sadness or showed that she was even vaguely in a low place. It didn’t mean she was completely free from the thoughts, but it did mean that she wasn’t caught up in them enough to show any outward reactions. And since she wasn’t the best at keeping her emotions hidden and bottled up that was a win.

From the eye contact he made with Yoongi for a moment the older male also appeared to think so. Flashing Hoseok a thumbs up when YN wasn’t looking.

The first part of Hoseok’s plan was a success.

The trip to the beach was long and started early. They’d rented a twelve-seater van to drive there and alternated drivers. Jungkook, Yoongi, and YN switched out every two hours so no one got too complacent or tired with the six hour drive. It was trying sometimes because of stupid drivers or someone complaining too much, but they made it there without anyone killing someone else.

A true win.

They arrived at the beach house late afternoon and decided they’d spend that night in. None of them had enough energy from the trip to anything and they had a full week to venture out. Plus avoiding the massive crowd on a Saturday night was a win.

Food was ordered in front various places because everyone either wanted something different or couldn’t make up their mind on what they wanted at all. Dinner was eaten and though it started off with minimal conversation they all eventually started talking about random things and eventually it led to talk of what they would do the next day. Hoseok mentioned something about the amusement park nearby, which got YN excited immediately and everyone agreed with that.

However, the quickness in which they all said yes wasn’t lost on YN despite her excitement. Usually they all took forever deciding what to do on any group outing and when they did there was some sort of whining. But everyone had agreed and then went about eating like everything was fine. No questions asked. No adjustments to time. No concerns about being there for so long. Just compliance.

It was something YN planned to ask about and fight against if they were doing it because she wanted to. Them giving in just because it would make her happy because she’d been so down wasn’t something she was okay with. The thought was nice, but she preferred they did their own things if that’s what they wanted. But she didn’t get to ask because everyone finished and before she knew it Hoseok escorted her to their room.

And like clockwork her body felt heavy the moment her eyes laid on the bed. Not even the pretty view from their balcony could draw her in. Which made it easy for Hoseok to maintain control to get her in the shower and then bed in the matter of thirty minutes.

By the time her head hit the pillow she felt refreshed, but like she’d cried for a few hours straight. The kind of tired where you don’t really feel one with the world and everything is almost like an outsider looking in. Though when she looked at Hoseok he grounded her a bit.

He took a few minutes longer to get into the bed after she did, slipping in wearing nothing but his boxers. Which was fine because she was in short shorts and a crop top. Something that seemed to warrant him poking her stomach every so often, which she allowed to happen because she didn’t have it in her to stop him.

Hoseok knew what he was doing too and that he’d pay for it once she slept, though she tended to forget things when too tired. But he stopped his poking and prodding after a few seconds, preferring to pull her close so they were cuddled together. Her leg thrown over him and their faces resting inches away from each other. He wanted to stay up a little and talk, but her eyes were closed and her breathing slowing.

For once she didn’t argue about it only being 8:00pm and thus too early to sleep. She’d say that every time they went on a trip, but more than anything she’d been saying it since after her mother’s funeral. Even when she looked exhausted and mentally not there she refused to sleep that early. So it felt good to see her not do it for once and after placing a kiss on her lips that thought lulled Hoseok to sleep.

Because they’d fallen asleep so early everyone was up at around seven the next morning. Well, everyone except for Jin, Beau and YN. They’d all woken up and ventured out of their rooms at around five almost six and decided yoga was the move. They gathered on the back patio of the house where you could see the beach and got to work.

Yoga was something that Jin and YN did regularly. The hospital had classes for all the staff to take and they’d gone with no intentions to ever do it again, but then realized how good they felt the days after. From then on they went to the classes or met up in a secluded part of a park early in the morning to do it before going out for breakfast or something. Beau joined in once when YN did it at home and then usually join her anytime he saw her doing it. Sometimes even joining her and Jin when they ventured out.

It was a great first moment of the vacation and one of the few times she’d felt so at peace in a long while.

From there they showered, got dressed, and went down to make breakfast. They’d picked up some groceries before getting to the house so they didn’t have to worry about it later.

By the time they finished everyone was up. Food was consumed at an alarming rate and everyone got ready with the same quickness. They wanted to get to the park at opening so they could have a better chance to get on everything. Which led to a lot of yelling and rushing people to hurry up and get to the van.

Hoseok took it upon himself to drive them there and as the rides came into view the closer they got the more excited YN got. She bounced in her seat and almost opened her door before the car came to a full stop.

That was dangerous and with the way Yoongi looked at her Hoseok thought she’d get scolded, but in fact the older man was upset that she tried to cheat. Which confused Hoseok until he whipped the door open and sprinted towards the entrance, YN hot on his heels and yelling about who was the real cheater.

It was like watching two children and goodness did it make Hoseok feel good.

When the others reached them they both stood there with big smiles and holding wrist bands, all of them the kind that were used for those with fast passes.

Hoseok narrowed his eyes at them, but neither of them looked regretful about what they’d done. In fact, they both appeared way too smug.

“What did we say about you two buying everything before anyone gets a chance? It’s not allowed on this trip or any trip,” Beau said.

Yoongi and YN turned to each other and shrugged, then thrusted a wristband into everyone’s hands. Since it wasn’t their first time out with the two amusement park junkies they all knew to get the bands on quickly, as if their lives depended on it. Yoongi had once wrapped Jungkook’s so tight that it limited circulation in his hand and they had to get another.

No one wanted to repeat that.

Without missing a beat they walked towards the workers scanning people in, leaving the others to catch up. Both of them were several feet inside the park by the time the others caught up again. They stood perfectly still and took in the park. One could feel the excitement that radiated off them.

It took Taehyung clearing his throat multiple times before they turned to face the rest of the group. Though that only lasted for a second before they were focused on each other.

“We meet here in four hours?” YN asked.

Yoongi nodded. “Right here and then I kick your ass in everything.”

That made YN scoff but she refrained from any trash talk in retaliation, there was always enough of that during them playing the games. Besides her focus was on something else.

Off in the distance was a ride that was way too high and moved way too fast – by even her standards – but the expression on her face showed how much she wanted to try it. So, without a word to the others Hoseok walked forward, grabbed her hand, and headed towards it. Everyone else went their own way, except for Jungkook and Taehyung who followed behind them. Hoseok felt like he was going to be sick the whole way, but YN and Jungkook reassured him the whole time while Taehyung poked fun at him, though it was clear that was only to calm his own nerves.

Once on the thing they all were ready to shit themselves but pushed through and as the it reached the first drop. YN and Hoseok made eye contact for a second and there was a reassuring feeling that flowed through them, but the next thing they knew they were sailing through the air so quickly it took a moment for her to breathe properly again.

The entire ride there was no moment to relax or get used to it. Even knowing what was to come didn’t make it any easier to adjust.

It was exhilarating.

That feeling is why Taehyung and Hoseok ended up waiting as YN and Jungkook went on again. Neither of them wanted to relive that and the fast pass line wasn’t that long, so they just sat on a bench a few yards from where the line-up started.

“So, are you going to do it today?” Taehyung asked, his voice a bit strained.

At first Hoseok was confused by the question and then it dawned on him what he meant. A different kind of discomfort settled in him at the thought of saying yes and so he shook his head quickly.

“Definitely not,” he muttered.

Taehyung turned to look at him with a raised brow and confusion.

“I thought that was the plan? Get her all happy and then do it? Don’t tell me you’re chickening out?” he teased.

Hoseok reached over and lightly punched his shoulder, a soft – but nervous – laugh escaping his lips.

“I’m going to, just not today. I want to make sure she’s good first. I’d hate to do it while she’s still wrapped up in sadness. That would make the whole thing much more complicated than it already is.”

At that Taehyung shrugged and turned his attention back towards the ride. They sat in a comfortable silence watching it climb high and then drop, looping a few times before it climbed again. It was more nerve wrecking watching it move like that then being on it, but that didn’t mean that Hoseok wished he was on it instead. He never planned to get on that ride again if he could help it.

About twenty minutes or so passed before they both returned and then everyone was off to other rides. They were all their own level of terrifying, but as they ran from ride to ride Hoseok got used to the fear and thrill that came along with them. He’d even agreed to go on one twice, which made YN beyond happy. Especially since she could see the eagerness was genuine. As if him being the one to request they go again wasn’t clear enough.

They continued on like that for a while, though eventually Jungkook wanted to circle back to get on something they’d all said no to. He convinced Taehyung to go with him and then Hoseok and YN were traversing the park alone.

A few more rides after the departure of the others and Hoseok forced a stop for food. Which wasn’t a whole lot and less than Hoseok would’ve liked her to eat, but it was more than she’d had some of the days from weeks before. A win in his book.

Before they went to get on some more rides they stopped to get a dessert, which was ice cream wrapped in a crepe. The park hadn’t had it the last time they’d come to it and that made YN all the more eager to indulge. They reminded her of ones she’d had in Japan when she’d gone for six months to study in high school. They tasted like them too.

“I don’t know if I should get another one now or later when we’re about to leave,” she said.

Hoseok laughed as he watched her devour it.

“I think I saw a stand with it near the entrance so you can get it when we leave,” he offered.

Though she looked conflicted at first, she smiled and nodded after a bit. No matter how practiced she was at eating and getting on rides too much dairy was a mistake. Fifteen-year-old her learned that the hard way.

After food was consumed, they went on a few more rides and then headed back toward where they were to meet with fifteen minutes to spare. The walk was taken slowly and they intertwined fingers as they went.

It was a moment of peace among the chaos and when YN looked at Hoseok with one of the brightest smiles he’d seen in a while he felt near tears. She’d been so happy and never once did her expression falter or her body language shift negatively. There was so much freedom and joy radiating from her and despite his optimism he’d been scared she’d stay shrouded in darkness for forever. So to have that voice in his head silenced because she was there and existing outside of it was just the best thing to happen to him.

Everything wasn’t fixed, but it was better than nothing.

Yoongi was at the meeting point with an irritated Beau who held a large stuffed bear. Most would question why Beau looked that way, but by the shifting that Yoongi was doing and the wide smile it was clear that he’d challenged his boyfriend to a few games and then mercilessly beat him.

Upon seeing a smiling YN though Beau’s expression shifted to mimic the smile on her face and so did Yoongi’s for a moment. However, YN was in competition mode and when he noticed that he was as well.

Not a word was uttered between them as they left their significant others to head towards the games and neither of them said anything about it. They merely trailed behind them and watched as they tried to one up each other.

Who knows how much time passed or how many prizes were handed over to kids or anyone standing nearby before everyone was gathered together watching them. Though it was tiring to stand there and see them go on forever there was also this mutual contentment as they all looked on. It was as if they were all on the same wavelength with how nice it was to see either of them back to some sort of normalcy.

“Has she been like this all day?” Beau whispered.

Hoseok nodded, his eyes never leaving them.

“Yeah. She’s been so happy and carefree. I don’t think she’s thought about it once all this time. And it doesn’t feel like she’s faking it,” he said.

There was a nod from Beau in response and then all the focus was back on them.

YN being that happy that quickly wasn’t what Hoseok foresaw at all, but it was nice to see that the second part of what he planned worked out well. He only hoped that it was doing some actual, concrete good for her mentally and that the last part of everything would go as smoothly.

Four days into their trip YN decided that Hoseok was acting weird. Though weird was something normal for his behavior it was a different type. He was attentive and kind, but also drifted off into his own head a lot and didn’t put up a fight when asked to do something that wasn’t necessarily in his comfort zone. She hadn’t pushed his limits by any means and accepted no when he said it, but for the most he gave in without a second thought.

Of course, his efforts were appreciated greatly, but that was what worried her the most. She knew how down she’d been and how the call from her mother’s husband had changed her. It was clear as day to her how she was acting and she wished she could snap her fingers and stop, but that wasn’t possible. And since she knew that, so did Hoseok and that meant he’d ramped up on trying to keep her at the very least not actively sad. All his free time was spent trying to help and look after her. The trip was just another one of those things and though she jumped at the prospect of being away from home to enjoy herself – and had enjoyed herself – she feared him taking things a step too far to please her.

No matter her mental state there would be no excuse for any damage she could do to his if that was the case. So YN planned to talk to him about it one morning, but she was redirected by Yoongi to get ready. Apparently he wanted to take her out for the day, just the two of them. Something she happily agreed to on the compromise of her going to talk to Hoseok about a thing first, but that was shot down by being told he’d headed out a few minutes beforehand. Which meant she had no other choice but to do as she was told, but with a pout.

Despite her mopey mood she didn’t take long to get dressed. Mostly because when she’d entered the room she found a pair of shorts and one of her long sleeve tops laid out for her. Yoongi promptly informed her he didn’t want her taking forever so he’d done it for her. It wasn’t out of the norm since he’d done it many times throughout their lives because supposedly she moved too slow or always grabbed the one thing in her wardrobe he hated with a passion. After a while she learned to just let it happen.

Once ready to go Yoongi grabbed her hand and practically dragged her from the house. It took some begging and mild threats to get him to not hold her hand so tight and slow down. From there he was less aggressive, but still held her hand firmly in his. She was fine with that because it was a habit from childhood that they never grow out of. As long as his bony fingers didn’t dig into her hand or squeeze too tight she was fine.

During their walk they didn’t speak, which was fine. They both tended to be quiet people and silences were rarely awkward. Walking for ten minutes to the nearby cafe bookstore was nothing in the realm of how long they could be around each other and not utter a single word.

“I wanted us to relax before dinner later. You know they’re all going to get drunk and it’ll be a mess. So, some peace and quiet for now,” Yoongi said once they entered.

That made YN smile wide. Even without the reason she loved the idea of spending a few hours there.

“You sure it’s not because they let you take naps here whenever we come?” she teased.

Yoongi laughed. “That too. A peaceful nap.”

With that she nodded and finally removed her hand from his. She shooed him away to see if any good seats were open and then headed off to buy their drinks. All of her will was used not to stop and look at books that caught her eye as she walked to the counter. The man wanted a nap, but him waiting too long for his favorite hot chocolate wasn’t on the table. Plus, there was something about being inside the place that calmed her so much that she was a bit tired herself.

After she grabbed the hot chocolates she searched for him and was beyond happy to find him at the reclining chairs in a back corner. Not daring to destroy the nice atmosphere of the space she merely handed him his drink and plopped down into her own chair. Her body relaxed instantly. It was asking her to sleep, but she wanted to drink her hot chocolate first. That lasted maybe ten minutes before she and Yoongi drifted off.

Sometimes she didn’t remember how much having a good time and being happy could drain from a person, no matter how much sleep they got.

When they finally woke up, panic filled YN because she’d misread the clock as saying four hours had passed, but it was barely an hour. The darkness only exacerbated that, but she was thankful her eyes adjusted before she shook Yoongi awake.

Since she felt refreshed from the nap the urge to explore books overcame her again. Instead of ignoring it she left Yoongi to continue his napping and looked around the store.

A lot of what did interest her were things she had read, were on her to read list, or by someone who wasn’t the greatest person despite their excellent writing. The things she did find that didn’t fit into that were all so tempting and she wanted to get them all but knew better than to do that. Her to read list was long and she didn’t need a million more books. So, she settled on getting the top three and took pictures of the others to buy at a later date.

By the time she made her purchase Yoongi had woken up and joined her at the register. He appeared rested and much peppier than he had before, which made her happy to see.

“Should we head back now?” she asked.

He nodded and then they were holding hands and walking back to the beach house.

The silence on the way back didn’t exist. Yoongi asked about what books she’d gotten and some other book she’d gotten a while ago that he’d been interested in. She agreed to give it to him and just as they reached the house and she prepared to ask if he wanted the book’s sequel as well he stopped abruptly.

Confusion coloring her face YN turned her head to look at him and was met with a tense expression. However, before she could question it he spoke.

“You’re okay, right? Actually okay, not the fake okay?” he asked.

YN felt a pang in her heart and her eyes watered for a second, but she pushed that all down. She wouldn’t dare make him more worried than he’d already been, especially when there was nothing to worry about.

“I’m okay. In fact, I’m as close to content as I’ve been in a while,” she said.

His entire demeanor changed when she said the word content. It was a signal of sorts. Something that they’d both learned they wanted through therapy. Happiness was great but being content and not so much good or bad was always the goal. As long as they could reach contentment all would be fine.

Though relaxed he didn’t stop staring her down for a moment and then after a firm squeeze of her hand – that she returned – he started walking again.

Inside the house everyone was putting the finishing touches on the dinner they’d decided on for the evening. It was a night in, which meant cooking and Jungkook had said that meant it needed to be an extra meal. So, him, Jin, Jimin, and Namjoon had spent a lot of time getting everything prepped and cooked. YN had wanted to help and even offered once Yoongi and her returned, but they were done and shooed her out to the patio so they could bring the food out.

Hoseok, who she’d seen maybe twice that whole day, pulled her down onto the seat next to him and immediately moved in for a kiss. That elicited some gagging from Beau which was met with a middle finger from both Hoseok and YN all without pulling away from each other.

They did part when the first of many dishes were placed on the table though. And without hesitation – once everyone was seated and Jin gave his go ahead – they began grabbing the things they wanted or moving them in range.

There was just so much. They’d made kimchi stew, bulgogi, pork ribs, fried rice, curry, and braised chicken. And of course, enough white rice that would satisfy even YN.

Bloated wasn’t even the word that truly captured how YN felt by the end of it all. Though happy was definitely a descriptor. They’d eaten, talked, and down alcohol. Jokes and stories were told, laughed about, and denied with intense vigor all around. It was a peaceful moment despite the chaos and watching her family just be together always filled her with such joy.

She could stay like that forever, but of course that was a no.

About thirty minutes after she’d had her last bite Hoseok suggested they go on a walk while they waited for the others to return with the chosen dessert. No was on the tip of her tongue, but he reminded her walking could help her feel better. Plus, he had a look in his eye that reminded her that she’d wanted to talk to him about something before.

So, they kicked off their shoes and headed down the beach. Hoseok laced their fingers together and led her away from the house. At first they said nothing, but then at the exact same time they spoke.

“YN-”

“Can we talk-”

They both paused and looked at each other with wide eyes before descending into laughter. It took a moment or two, but they collected themselves soon enough and continued their trek.

“You first,” he said.

YN nodded. “I want to thank you for all of this. It was what I needed and I’m so happy to have all this time with you and everyone else. Being with the people I loved most and who love me. Having fun that I haven’t had in a while. Having moments where I feel content, even if it’s fleeting. I haven’t had a bad day for the last few days and I haven’t even thought about anything really. And even if I did it was such a fleeting moment that I only barely remember it happened at all.”

“But?” Hoseok said when she paused.

“But I worry about taking advantage of all of you. I know that I’m not and everyone is happy to be here for a good time and to offer all the support in the world. I know that that feeling is for naught. But I realized how much you’ve given into me the last few days and it makes me feel like I may be crossing a line. You’ve had to deal with me being distraught and not myself for weeks. Never able to escape that unless out at work or I’m with someone else. And then you plan this and you give into my every whim. You do things that I know make you uncomfortable. Even if I’m not pushing you on certain things and I know I’m not crossing any hard lines it still feels wrong. And I’m sorry about that,” she said.

That ended in them coming to an abrupt stop. Hoseok released her hand and moved to stand in front of her, his hands moving to cup her face.

“Baby, you don’t have to worry about any of that. You have not crossed a line or made me do anything I didn’t choose to do. I’m fine. Did I agree to a few things that scare me or make me cautious? Yes. Did I do them partly because they made you happy? Yes. But like I said, it was my choice. I wanted to try them and that was an extra incentive. Seeing you smile or be in the moment was the greatest incentive in the world. I wouldn’t change doing those things. And I know you’re worried about what all this or your behavior could have done to my mental health, but I’m good there too. It hurt me to see you like that, but I processed that in therapy. Dr. Seo was more than willing to take me in more than once a month to process all this. I swear to you I’m fine.”

There was clear uncertainty in her eyes despite what he said. Hoseok could see it and though he wished she’d just believe him he knew that wasn’t how the mind worked. Sometimes things took a while to process or a little more assurance needed to be given.

After taking a deep breath he leaned down and pressed a gentle kiss to her lips, one she returned without hesitation. When he pulled away one of his hands slipped from her face as their foreheads pressed together.

“I love you,” he whispered.

“I love you too.”

The next few moments happened in a weird space where everything moved too fast and too slow. Hoseok’s other hand moved from her face and he pulled away from her, but before anything could be said or done on her end he was down on one knee with a ring in his hand.

YN had no time to process it before he started talking.

“This week was about making you feel even an ounce of happiness, but it was also about finding the right time to ask you. YN you know I love you with my entire being. How you love yourself, me, and our little family brings me such joy. How you live to be the best you and know that you’re not always going to get it right. How you know yourself enough to know how to handle your problems. You realize how off you’re being and take the time to self-assess, not just because of you but because of me. So you’re not doing anything that could affect me. That could lead to unintentional behavior that could harm me. You grow so much all the time and it feels impossible for you to put forth any more effort than you already do.

“You just make me feel so happy. Doesn’t matter if it’s from watching you be that way, you making me feel that way, or the reminder that I can be happy on my own despite you. That I can stand alone in happiness that doesn’t revolve around you or anyone else. Something I struggled with so much before. You’ve helped so much by just being you. And though I know that we have cemented our relationship already, I still want to do this. It would truly be the best thing in the world if you married me, baby.”

YN had worked through the initial shock and was much calmer than when he’d started talking. Her brain fought to keep up with the words and her heart soared as she took them in. It’s why she didn’t hesitate in responding with a yes.

Without missing a beat Hoseok slipped the ring on her finger and rose onto his feet. He pulled her into a tight hug and whispered ‘I love you’ over and over. In the distance there were cheers from their friends who had watched on from the back patio. She hadn’t even realized they’d turned and walked back towards the house once she’d started talking. But that didn’t matter at all. At least not in that moment.

The calm that she felt mattered. The excitement she felt mattered. The content feeling that washed over her mattered.

[ma-gic-gay]

Death had always been a finite concept. For both of them, presumably, but especially for Carly. Death was something she had to deal with far too regularly for her tastes (comes with the territory when you have a habit of marrying mobsters), despite her hatred of it.

Shootings, she could handle. And did, shockingly well. Despite the fact she couldn't handle being in a stable situation for more than a day, she was great in a crisis.

Of course, the fact she had Jason there was helpful. She felt unsafe, she called him and it was like she had her own personal body guard. It was, in a very strange way, nice to know he wouldn't hesitate to kill for her and has done it repeatedly in the past.

The deaths of the people who tried to kill her (or him, especially him- she prayed those bastards got the worst treatment they could) were the only ones she could handle.

It's a bit ironic she got killed from a shooting, three hours and twenty three minutes after Jason died, in a weird way. She always said she'd kill for him (realistically she knew he'd lose his shit if she ever did that because he's overprotective and hasn't taught her how to use a gun), and that's exactly what she did. He got shot right in front of her, she grabbed his gun while he was yelling at her not to and shot the person.

Slight problem though, she too got shot. Whoopsie daisies.

Getting shot fucking hurt. She was in and out of consciousness when she was at the hospital and no one would tell her about Jason's condition. They were married, for fuck's sakes, why the fuck wasn't anyone telling her how her husband was doing?!

Eventually, someone (probably Monica, she can't remember) told her he was dead. They got to him too late, they said, he'd been doa and their best efforts hadn't revived him.

After hearing that, she couldn't live with herself. He got shot because Vince was trying to shoot her and off he went to be her hero and make everything okay and he got killed. One phone call and he was at the Metro Court, hanging out with her and keeping watch when he noticed Vince in the parking lot and went out there to confront him. Vince pointed a gun at Carly and, of course, since Jason's a self sacrificing person, he died.

Which meant she was directly responsible for his death and that rocked her to her very core. She'd failed him. After twenty five years, she failed him. Even he'd have to admit this one. There was no spin on this (and she'd heard some strange ones over the years) for how she'd be able to live with herself after she failed him. It wasn't like she'd done something stupid, no, she got him killed. Carly knew he'd do something, especially since Vince was a dick, and she told him. Did he deserve to know? Yes. But only after she'd reassured his overprotective streak she'd be fine and he didn't have to kill anyone else for her.

According to something she'd heard from the doctors, in whatever fucking limbo this was, Carly had died of a heart attack. Likely brought on by stress. Bullets were fine but hearing of Jason's death killed her.

Yup, makes sense. Well, she'll be able to apologize for all of eternity once she gets to wherever she's going. Even after he forgives her (which, she's being honest, will happen as soon as they see each other), she's going to apologize and apologize.

Ooh, she gets to see Sonny and Morgan too! Her son and husband and best friend for all of eternity. What could be better?

There's something that vaguely looks like an angel and she notices it drags her up. Huh, guess she's going to heaven. Makes sense, Carly's a fairly good person. She's not a terrible one.

Except when she gets there she only finds Morgan and Courtney (Courtney, oh how she missed her), no Jason anywhere. Where the hell was he? Avoiding a party, probably. She has got to get him to go out more, especially now that nothing can probably happen. What are the rules of death?

"Where's Jason?" Carly asks after greeting the pair. They stare blankly until she asks again, "Where is he? He's here, right? I was told he's dead!"

Courtney's the first one to be stunned out of her shock. "Carly, he, um, didn't make the cut."

"For what? Give me that list, I'm adding his name at the very top. Where the fuck is he?" She exclaims. He's here, he's got to be here.

"You're aware of his job, right?" Is she aware of his job, of course she is!

"Yes, Courtney, it's why we got married. Where the hell is he? Or Sonny, or Mike!"

"Mike's taking a nap and Sonny's not dead." What?! "Or, if he is, he didn't make the cut either." Didn't make the cut for what? Carly will scheme, steal, seduce, lie and cheat go get those two up here with her, where the fuck are they?

"Because of Jason's job and the amount of people he killed, he didn't make the cut to heaven. He's in hell." Is it possible to die twice? She might just do that. He's in hell, which is a place for bad people! Her hero is in hell.

She's gonna kill someone. "I'm not perfect! None of us are perfect, I killed someone! Why the hell aren't we down there? He died defending me!"

"Shocking," Morgan says dryly. "Jason killed people for a living. He was a mobster."

"And I'm an accessory to all of that! I lead the mob for a week or two!" Carly exclaims. "He's a good person, we know that."

"We're not in charge of the decisions, Carly," Courtney attempts to comfort her best friend. It's a nice attempt. "That's for people with a lot more clout than us. If it was up to either of us, I promise he'd be here but you'll never see him again."

Never see him again? Oh hell no. "Is there any way to get sent down to hell with him?" This is impulsive and reckless and Jason wouldn't encourage it but she's got less care. She needs to see her best friend again, goddammit."Some paperwork I can file, some people's husband's I can seduce?"

"Someone can submit you for reevaluation."

"Great! Is Emily here?" Emily hates her, she'll surely want to help!

"Somewhere, yeah. Why?"

"Emily hates me. Can't blame her. Anyways, look, I want to help her write my reevaluation. I've ruined a lot of lives."

"Which Jason has always helped you feel better about."

"That's because he's my best friend, Morgan."

The next few weeks are spent making sure every single one of her transgressions is on the list and resubmitting her,,, whatever the hell it's called, Emily never gave details.

So it's really not a surprise when she's dragged down to hell by some gross creature, waving goodbye to her son and Courtney and sister in law (that's a weird thing to think about).

And when she gets there, it's just like a darker version of heaven. It's the same fucking place (away from the fire), just more her color palette. Weird.

"Excuse me, where's Jason Morgan?" She asks the creature who dragged her down here. "I was informed he'd be down here."

A shrug is all she gets in response. Well then, she's able to roll with the punches and searches up and down for him, eventually finding him in a room without decorations or anything but basic necessities.

She's got some decorating on her hands.

Carly walks right through the half opened door (he really didn't lock it? Weirdo) and gets the response of, "Get out."

"Don't expect me to start knocking just because we're dead," she quips, a smile on her face. Knocking is overrated. He looks normal and as he registers what's going on, he gets all squinty.

Once he actually realizes it's her, she's already half attacked him in a hug that he reciprocates. "What the fuck are you doing here?"

"Little bit of bargaining, Emily's assistance and voila! You'd be amazed at how many bad things I've done. Everyone sends their love, of course. Are there any stores down here? This room is so boring," she changes the subject.

"No, I mean why are you dead? You're supposed to be alive."

"I died three hours and twenty three minutes after you. Heart attack. Monica told me about you dying. No one else would." That was a very bad time when he was dead and she wasn't.

"Does this mean-"

"No, you are not responsible for my death. If anything, I'm responsible for yours. I'm sorry, more than you'll ever know," Carly tells him, eyes welling up with tears.

"You're not responsible. I got shot. It happens." Way too nonchalant for death.

"Because you were defending me, like always. Seriously, take a nice vacation off of that and start using your survival instincts. I don't have Emily to help me this time if I need to transfer afterlives."

"I was defending the business."

"Bullshit. I told you Vince threatened me and you already planned to kill him. You saw your opportunity and instead of shooting him, you got shot and died. This is my fault, 100%, and I will not let you make me feel better about this. You could've patched things up with Britt, hung out with a bunch of people but no, you had to die protecting me. Take a week off of being my hero, please."

"I'm not going to do that. The last time I thought about it, you took over the business."

"Well I can't just ask you to forgive me, so take a day off."

"You'll get kidnapped. And I don't hold you responsible because it was my choice to defend you and my choice to want to kill Vince."

"You're overprotective and it's nice but not when it kills you."

"You spent twenty five years running off every woman in my life because you were convinced they'd hurt me, you hated a ton of people because they did something to me and you almost committed several felonies. And I'm overprotective," he rolls his eyes.

"Not the point, first off and second, you've killed and kidnapped for me. In a very fucked up way, it's sweet. And you totally ran off the men in my life!"

"How did I do that?"

"By being the only person I can depend on. I don't know, look, they've all- except for Sonny, most of the time- hated you because you intimidated them. So you did the same thing, just not on purpose."

"Then it's not the same thing."

"How did we get so off topic? I'm sorry for being the reason you're dead. Do you forgive me?" Strange sentences.

"You're not why I'm dead, I made that choice-"

"You chose to die?"

"I meant the choice to jump in front of you."

"Which was instinctual, you've always protected me."

"Might have to do that even more down here. There's some real creeps."

"I really don't think they'll care that much. But okay."

"Vince is here."

"No revenge."

"He killed you and I'm just supposed to sit here and ignore that he did that?!"

"Maybe we can talk this all out."

"Carly, what part of this aren't you understanding? He killed you. I hurt him, that's how this works, so he knows better than to mess with you."

"Or we could go shop for decor. I'll pick out nice stuff, come on let's go!"

"I'm not going shopping. I'm planning revenge."

"It'll be safer if you're there with me."

"I hate it when you're right."

"Love you too."

"Love you."

The end fuckers :)

oh it's beautiful. thank you for this

[risingmoonyue]

Batman/P5 Crossover

-Sometime before Akechi but after Futaba or Haru

-Damian is sent to Tokyo to check it out for whatever reason (maybe they had a fight, or he’s going stir crazy, or he’s just the only one they can send at the time and didn't bother with all that "you're not old enough" business)

-Dami is younger than Futaba by a year or three or four

-He is baby

-He is transferred to Shujin as a child prodigy where he also immediately joins the "outcast" community because of his attitude and intelligence

-Talia goes too, manages to cut off all his communications with the Batfam, and is planning to take him home in a month whether he likes it or not

-For whatever reason, Batfam doesn't realize this??? (Like, either she's faking reports or they're too busy (think fight or chaos in Gotham scenario maybe???))

-Anyways, obviously Dami doesn't want this

-Somehow the Phantom Thieves hear about the situation

-Maybe he was assigned to shadow Makoto for a while, and they managed to overhear a phone conversation either to Talia or Dami trying to get in touch with the Batfam and nothing really working

-And eventually they outright see him fighting with his mother with him at some point (either in person or over a phone call) mentioning that she already disowned him, he's happy with his Father's family, and that he will head her family business over his dead body—and oh would you look at that, you already managed that, care to try again Mother?

-The PT's are understandably alarmed

-And learn her name from Damian (from Makoto maybe or someone else he bonded a little with) (MORGANA) (THEY GAVE HIM MONA FOR A DAY AND NOW THEY KNOW EVERYTHING FROM HIS MANY PETS TO HIS LEAST TO MOST FAVORITE SIBLINGS STARTING FROM TIM TO DICK TO HIS FAVORITE FOODS TO EVERYONE IN HIS FAMILY’S NAMES TO HOW STUPID HE FINDS EVERYONE AND WHY THEY'RE STUPID TO HIS FAVORITE MUSIC TO WHY ANIMALS ARE SUPERIOR TO HUMANS AND MONA’S LIKE OMG TMI BUT LOVED IT THERE BECAUSE HE WAS PAMPERED LIKE NO TOMORROW GOT ONLY THE BEST FOOD AND THE BEST BEDS AND TOYS THAT HE GOT TO TAKE WITH HIM BACK TO LEBLANC AND NOW AKIRA AND SOJIRO ARE LIKE DUDE WHY AND MONA’S LIKE IM KEEPING HIM THIS HUMAN IS GOOD SORRY AKIRA YOU’RE DEMOTED)

-The palace is basically a fortress full of assasin ninjas and clones

-Dunno what her keywords are tho

-Or her what her palace actually is

-Help?????????

-Cognitive Bruce, Ra's, Damian, Dami clones, and Jason (maybe rest of batfam??? Idk)

-Long story short, the traps are so assassin-y that they need someone who knows the actual Talia because egads, this is the closest they have all come to actually dying

-And they didn't really want to do it and were just gonna power through

-But Dami manages to find out and get in and of course uses his background to help out whether they like it or not

(-he's slightly off put by Joker's name, but then decides to just solely call Gotham!Joker "The Clown")

-At some point they are captured by the Shadow Talia who is decked out in super fancy traditional Arab clothing and probably every conceivable hidden weapon known to man

-Talia says Damian won't and can't ever change from who he "is meant to be", referring to him as her Alexander and basically brutally addresses all of his insecurities concerning the batfam and people and society in general

-And all this is kinda killing him cause he still loves Talia despite the fact that she killed him and had a violent citywide custody battle with Batman but he also loves the batfam too even if he would absolutely never admit it (except to maybe Grayson)

-Joker does his emotional kick-start thing and/or Dami is like Makoto and just gets so mad he triggers it himself, but either way, lo and behold, Damian is now a persona user, usurping Futaba's place as the baby of the team

-The outfit is kinda inspired by his future adult league outfit with the top and bottom and gold jewelry, but has a raggedy cloak with dull gold edges, a Robin mask and gauntlets, and his main weapons are batarang-sword hybrids

---acknowledging his past and moving on with his present

-Persona: Aladdin, Tsun Zu, Ali Baba, somone else???? Need ideas plz help

-Probably the fastest member of the group

-His small body makes his hits not as strong, but hoo boy can that kid move around

-Hits a lot and dodges most

-Most of his Persona abilities are physical and have high crit and/or are status affects

-Downside is he has not a lot of SP (compared to the rest of the group)

-And he has pretty good HP

-Those good ol' “superior genetics” have to be good for something after all

-Anyways they escape to find the treasure another day

-And Dami is all smug because HA you definitely can't stop me now

-And the PTs are just resigned to keeping an eye on the extremely competent snotty assassin/vigilante child

-They do like him though so it's not too bad (comes with learning all his darkest secrets via his mother and thought processes that tends to accompany watching someone at their lowest get a persona)

(-They do manage to temper him a bit and help him adjust better to actual society too that's nice)

-As such, they also know about Batman and Robin and his whoooole family. Both sides.

-Damian decided not to tell batfam because he does agree with the whole "most adults suck" mentality that the Phantom Thieves have; despite his deep, deep respect for his father and mother and Grayson, they all do kinda suck

-And he’s rather not get pulled out as he surely would if he told them

(-On a side note, he likes Sojiro

-The man gives him coffee, curry, and leaves him mostly to his own devices

-Instant win)

-He is dubbed "Mockingbird" apon return to the metaverse because of his freaky talented vocal skills in mimicking anyone and everyone's voice

-Eventually, they beat Talia

-She doesn't publicly confess to all her sins unlike everyone else

-PTs don't realize it worked until Damian came into school with a genuine smile on his face, and more relaxed than he'd been since he got there

-PTs are confused until Damian's like, this works out because hey, don't want to have several people assassinated and draw the entire freaking league to Tokyo

(-Which was probably why Talia didn't)

-They agree

-But she does break down to tears in Dami's arms and promise to ACTUALLY TALK CIVILLY with Bruce to try and make up for everything and try to fix up the league

-He stays for the rest of p5

-But steers all his reports very much away from the Phantom Thieves

-If anything, he downplays absolutely everything, and makes it seem like it's nothing super big but he's gonna stay a while to keep and eye out because y'alls are busy and I like it here and I haven't gotten expelled so there

-The PTs like to add funny stuff on there just to see if they’ll notice

-Like, Akira likes to have Dami describe his day in excruciating detail. Like, recounting the entirety of his nine or so months to Sae during police interrogation, excruciating

-Mona is pushing for the shiny stuff

-Yusuke just likes to put in bursts of randomness (Dami once mentioned that an acquaintance made another acquaintance T-pose in a church for art lol)

-Ann loves to rant about food

-Haru is always insisting on about feelings

-Ryuji likes to complain about everything and puts in ridiculous requests

-Futaba is just putting in every gen-z thing ever

-Makoto is actually responsible and tries to get him to talk about his progress in school and his social life

-And Akechi is absolutely nowhere near any of this and doesn’t know it exists

-When they have the Tokyo/Japan-wide calling card, Batfam sees it too because let's face it, that's totally the sorta thing that they would keep an eye out for even if he didn't look at the news in the entirety of the time Dami was in Tokyo

-And they send a message to Damian (the first actual communication they've had since before Talia) saying "WHAT THE HECK IS GOING ON OVER THERE????"

-And with the entirety of the Phantom Thieves looking over his shoulder, Damian's just like "Chill dudes, everything's fiiiiiiiiiine"

-And they're like "UH WHAT PART OF THIS IS FINE????" because they've dug around a bit and found every news report, and oh hey, this isn't anywhere near as calm as Damian described and he’s being super OOC and what’s going on?!?!?!?!?!

-And Damian, being egged on by the most of the PTs, just sends a winky face

-Just

-😉

-And he's smug, because it's still chaos over there so they can't actually come get him and try to pull him out because he's being super ooc

-Which means he's free to do what he wants/needs in the meantime

-Cue the end of the game

-And Dami is going with them on their summer road trip and cackling because the batfam is scrambling to find him in Tokyo but lol nope he's in a van the Japanese government tried and fail to follow

-And he found all the trackers like, a year ago

-Every

-Single

-One

-They eventually track him down to Akira's house where they're calmly eating dinner (and they've been expecting this for the past week so Mona was keeping watch just so they could pull this off) and talking about how uneventful the school year was

-Cue mass confusion in the batfam

-As the PTs enjoy just confusing them so much

-By talking to Mona

-Talking normal then crazy then normal again

-And just generally being their normal selves lol

-They explain absolutely nothing beyond gushing about how much progress socially and academically he’s made (gotta embarrass the baby of the group somehow) and making sure that if Dami absolutely has to go home that he's able to stay in touch

(-Later, Damian forms his own hero persona outside of Batman and Robin)

(-He names it Mockingbird)

(-Batfam proceeds to have a brain aneurysm while the PTs dab their happy proud tears out of their eyes on their regularly scheduled tea time at the Wayne Manor)

(-Damian sends a private plane every week or two lol)

(Bonus: ARTTTTTTT)

(Psst if you guys have ideas for art, outfits, interactions or scenarios, let me know)

[catboywizard]

Ok so I know i said it do it like tomorrow but I didn't have anything else to do so I just did it now lol

1. Would you have sex with the last person you text messaged? -probably not but who knows

2. You talked to an ex today, correct? -nope

3. Have you taken someones virginity? -nope, I’m still a virgin too

4. Is trust a big issue for you? -definitely

5. Did you hang out with the person you like recently? -idk if it counts as “hang out” but we had like a 10 second conversation earlier today

6. What are you excited for? -I was excited for something but I found out yesterday I’m not allowed to go so now I’m in that weird empty period of trying to find something new to be excited about before I just give up and die tbh

7. What happened tonight? -tonight hasn’t really happened yet, it’s only 5pm

8. Do you think it’s disgusting when girls get really wasted? -no, people can do whatever they want, don’t be judgmental

9. Is confidence cute? -definitely but if you’re not confident that doesn’t inherently make you not cute

10. What is the last beverage you had? -milk tbh and now my lactose intolerant ass is dying

11. How many people of the opposite sex do you fully trust? -honestly I don’t fully trust anyone but there’s one who’s pretty close

12. Do you own a pair of skinny jeans? -yep, basically the only pants I wear

13. What are you gonna do Saturday night? -I’m seeing my dad and I’m gonna make him watch interstellar with me because I saw it with my mom about a month ago and I’m obsessed, but we might do that Friday

14. What are you going to spend money on next? -well I’ve got like $10 but that’s supposed to be for emergencies so I’m gonna be responsible and save it. I’ll probably use some of my birthday money to buy the Steven Universe album that’s coming out and I’m so freaking excited but that’s like a month from now

15. Are you going out with the last person you kissed? -nope, I don’t even remember who the last person I kissed was considering the fact that it was 2 years ago during spin the bottle

16. Do you think you’ll change in the next 3 months? -oh definitely

17. Who do you feel most comfortable talking to about anything? -honestly I’m an open book as long as you’re not my parents. If I have a story and you happen to be nearby when I want to tell it, you’re gonna hear it

18. The last time you felt broken? -ha! constantly

19. Have you had sex today? -as if

20. Are you starting to realize anything? -yep

21. Are you in a good mood? -kinda neutral, I am tired though

22. Would you ever want to swim with sharks? -totally, sharks are misunderstood sweeties

23. Are your eyes the same color as your dad’s? -maybe? Idk, I think so

24. What do you want right this second? -milkshake

25. What would you say if the person you love/like kissed someone else? -I wouldn’t really care because I’m pretty sure he’s straight and I’m definitely sure he thinks I’m a lesbian so there’s no chance there

26. Is your current hair color your natural hair color? -sadly yes, I really wanna go pink though

27. Would you be able to date someone who doesn’t make you laugh? -I honestly have no idea

28. What was the last thing that made you laugh? -probably something on parks & rec

29. Do you really, truly miss someone right now? -eh, not really

30. Does everyone deserve a second chance? -almost everyone, depending on what they’ve done

31. Honestly, do you hate the last boy you were talking to? -no

32. Does the person you have feelings for right now, know you do? -no, I didn’t even realize it until like Monday (and like I said, he thinks I’m a lesbian)

33. Are you one of those people who never drinks soda? -idk what you mean by “those people,” I don’t drink soda because my mouth is sensitive to the carbonation but I’m not like pretentious about it or anything

34. Listening to? -Pocket Full of Dreams by Hedley

35. Do you ever write in pencil anymore? -nope, pen & whiteout ftw!

36. Do you know where the last person you kissed is? -nope, like I said I can’t even remember who it is

37. Do you believe in love at first sight? -not entirely but I do think there’s a lot about a person you can tell by looking at them for the first time, enough to decide if you’d like to date them or not

38. Who did you last call? -my mom is like the only person I ever talk to on the phone

39. Who was the last person you danced with? -the only person I’ve ever danced with was my ex boyfriend at our 8th grade version of prom

40. Why did you kiss the last person you kissed? -spin the bottle

41. When was the last time you ate a cupcake? -this morning actually! Because of AP exams and other big tests, the schedule is weird and I had 5th period for 3 hours today and my friend brought cupcakes

42. Did you hug/kiss one of your parents today? -nope, my mom just got home like 2 minutes ago while I’ve been typing this and I don’t see her in the mornings

43. Ever embarrass yourself in front of a crush? -not that I can think of off the top of my head but I know I have at some point

44. Do you tan in the nude? -have you seen me? I don’t tan lol

45. If you could, would you take back your last kiss? -I’m completely indifferent about it

46. Did you talk to someone until you fell asleep last night? -nope

47. Who was the last person to call you? -also my mom

48. Do you sing in the shower? -totally

49. Do you dance in the car? -it’s kinda hard but I guess a little bit

50. Ever used a bow and arrow? -yes! Omg, it’s so much fun!

51. Last time you got a portrait taken by a photographer? -my mom has us do family portraits every year or so and we did them sometime in late January or early February so we could send out family valentines cards since we forgot to do Christmas cards

52. Do you think musicals are cheesy? -definitely not!

53. Is Christmas stressful? -no, I love Christmas so much (mostly just for the presents but also for just the whole atmosphere)

54. Ever eat a pierogi? -I don’t think so but I doubt I would know if I did

55. Favorite type of fruit pie? -Apple, 3000%!

56. Occupations you wanted to be when you were a kid? -I remember I wanted to be a Vet for a really long time, and for like a day I wanted to be a firefighter, there are a ton more but those are the only 2 I remember right now

57. Do you believe in ghosts? -not really but I’m so paranoid that I do a little bit

58. Ever have a Deja-vu feeling? -ALL THE TIME

59. Take a vitamin daily? -no, I probably should

60. Wear slippers? -nope

61. Wear a bath robe? -nope

62. What do you wear to bed? -pajama pants + whatever shirt I was wearing that day or nothing on the top if I’m hot

63. First concert? -honestly it was Idena Menzel

64. Wal-Mart, Target or Kmart? -definitely Tar-jay

65. Nike or Adidas? -I honestly don’t have an opinion either way

66. Cheetos Or Fritos? -definitely cheetos

67. Peanuts or Sunflower seeds? -both gross but I guess sunflower seeds

68. Favorite Taylor Swift song? -I’m not a huge fan but I guess I like Out of the Woods

69. Ever take dance lessons? -hell no, I’m so fucking uncoordinated and I have asthma so I would have died

70. Is there a profession you picture your future spouse doing? -no?

71. Can you curl your tongue? -yep!

72. Ever won a spelling bee? -I am the worst speller that has ever existed ever, also my school has never had a spelling bee

73. Have you ever cried because you were so happy? -maybe? I don’t know

74. What is your favorite book? -the great Gatsby

75. Do you study better with or without music? -definitely with music

76. Regularly burn incense? -nope

77. Ever been in love? -I doubt it but I don’t really have any way to tell

78. Who would you like to see in concert? -tank and the bangas or 21p

79. What was the last concert you saw? -the only concert I have ever seen was Idena Menzel

80. Hot tea or cold tea? -both are gross but cold if I had to pick one

81. Tea or coffee? -coffee but only in cold form like a frappe

82. Favorite type of cookie? -probably plain chocolate chip, or the oatmeal chocolate chip ones from potbelly are really good too

83. Can you swim well? -I’d like to think so but I’m not very fast

84. Can you hold your breath without holding your nose? -yep!

85. Are you patient? -not really but I can be

86. DJ or band, at a wedding? -Band

87. Ever won a contest? -once I won a random raffle for free movie tickets when I was like 7 but that’s it

88. Ever have plastic surgery? -nope, nothing wrong with that though

89. Which are better black or green olives? -definitely black, black olives are delicious, green olives are grown by Satan

90. Opinions on sex before marriage? -you do you (but wear protection!)

91. Best room for a fireplace? -living room? Idk

92. Do you want to get married? -oh dear lord I hope I get married

[disneydreamlights]

It just hit me that the MoM in the MMO AU is an awful lot like Grings Kodai from the Zoroark Pokemon movie. I mean, both of them seek to know the future, both end up torturing a child in some way, both of them are villains with good publicity, and both are complete and utter sociopaths who feel no remorse for their crimes. I mean, the MoM PROBABLY has a higher body count and Kodai probably wouldn't mutilate himself for power, but I didn't say they were identical, now did I?

I mean I don’t remember who Kodai was but tbh I could see the MoM being crazy enough to do shit like that so...

Okay so, I know that the MMO AU is mostly based on making Strelitzia as miserable as possible while still giving her a happy ending, but I can't help but feel sorry for Luxu. I mean, he has to watch his friends turn on and murder each other, the nicest of said friends accuses him of being responsible, he out lives his wife and later children when he ascends to the Unchained State, and, unlike Strelitzia, doesn't get a happy ending. What do I mean by that? He'd die, permanently, in KH5.

Give Luxu a happy ending plz. He deserves one too. ;w;

So, one tweak I'd make to show WHY the MoM would be so worried about Ava is that, in the Case of Ava scene, she'd tell him, to his face, that she doesn't think dividing the Keyblade Wielders into Unions is a good idea when he foresaw a WAR between those Unions. I repeat, she'd have the guts to tell the MoM that she thinks he's wrong, TO HIS FACE. The MoM would, with feigned calmness, try to pass it off as a necessary evil and distract her with her assigned role.

The MoM would comment on Ava's boldness, and even question why she hadn't brought up her grievances before. The reason would be that Ava didn't want to get decapitated by Invi for "blasphemy" or "heresy" or whatever Invi would accuse Ava of. Speaking of Invi, she would EVENTUALLY notice that, despite alliances being forbidden, she had technically been in one with Ira. She'd pretty much snap at this point, with what little sanity she had left melting away at the idea she might've failed the MoM. 

Once the bell that signals the Keyblade War chimes, however, Invi would get snapped out of her berserk state by a realization. THIS is what the MoM wanted. At which point we see what Invi acts like when she is completely sane. And let me say this, if Lauriam is at his scariest when he's driven himself completely insane, Invi is at her scariest when her mind is clear. If the Keyblade War was voice acted, she'd be eerily calm in her pre and post boss dialogue, and at ease when she dies.

So, Invi in the MMO AU would probably count as an ambiguously evil character, with whether or not she counts as a villain depending on who you ask. I don't personally think of her as a villainous character, but that's mostly because of my head canons regarding how the MoM indoctrinated the Foretellers. The only Foretellers I believe to be truly evil is Aced, primarily because he's a manipulative Social Darwinist with a self-serving morality and a violent streak the size of Texas.

For the record, there would be anger in Aced's voice in his last words, desperation in Gula's, and regret in Ira's and Ava's. Invi would be the only Foreteller to die at peace with everything that's happened. And no, none of the Foretellers would ever come back after the Keyblade War. The closest we'd see would be the Dream Constructs in the Unchained State, until the Player Dreams of the Keyblade War, at which point even they would vanish for fear of waking those memories a second time

So I don’t know if I can actually approve of my precious bear son being truly evil (more pushed to a bring without any other way) because I love him and he deserves better but anyways.

Invi being cold and collected only because she’s carrying out exactly what the MoM decided he wanted terrifies me slightly.

Vanitas would be terrified of Aqua. She was able to shatter the proto X-blade mostly on her own, survived in the Realm of Darkness for over a decade, and hates him almost as much as she hates Xehanort. And it would take Aqua a while to forgive him too. I think it would be a combination of seeing him being a good brother to Strelitzia and realizing that she shouldn't exactly be proud of the fact that a boy she adopted regularly has nightmares about her. Perhaps she could teach him how to swim?

Yo I read a Vaniqua fic with that scene recently of Aqua teaching Vani how to swim.

*ahem* Ignoring that trash side of me I never talk about, I’d love to see Aqua and Vanitas interracting in a way that was cute like that. owo

So, pre-redemption arc Vanitas would kinda be a death seeker, feeling that he has to atone for fleeing the first Keyblade War by dying in the second. The fact that doing so would wipe out what Vanitas sees as a cruel and twisted world is just the icing on the cake to him. Deep down though, death scares him. The fear that makes you run would manifest as Prize Pods. The fear that motivates you to fight forms the basis of the Vanitas Remnant. And speaking of fear, Vanitas would still fear water.

At the end of the epilogue DLC, Vanitas would get a piece of Ven's light, and Ven a piece of Vanitas' darkness. This would allow their hearts to heal separately, putting an end to the Unversed and allowing Ven to regain his memories. This would have the downside of bringing back his hydrophobia. Ven would just conquered his fear of water before BBS, while Vanitas would still fear water in KH3. Then again, when you are nearly drowned at the age of 7...

...Stop you’re gonna make me wanna protect Vanitas too I’m already sympathetic enough to him that I can ship him with Aqua don’t make me want to hug him more he’s like the opposite of a cinnamon roll. ;w;

So, due to Terra's Heartless growing into a second Ansem and Xemnas norting himself, the restored Terranort's personalities would have actually switched, so that Ansem is attached to Terra's heart where as Xemnas is attached to Xehanort's. As such, when Xehanort is purged from Terra's heart, Xemnas' personality will cease to be, and when Ansem makes the mistake of summoning Terra's Keyblade and putting his mind in contact with the Lingering Will, his personality would cease to be, healing Terra

...Damn that’d be an interesting way to have Terra restore himself to being Terra.

So, Vanitas' return would be suitably terrifying, as the Vanitas Remnant basically rips Vanitas' darkness out of Sora's heart, and absorbs it, allowing Vanitas to regenerate around the Remnant.

That’s terrifying but you’re right that’s suitably terrifying for Vanitas.

[duanecbrooks]

On (Still) Being Torn     It was almost ten years ago that my Mom died and I remain conflicted concerning her death. There is still a titanic struggle between my intellectual self and my emotional/psychological self about her passing.           I'll explain what I mean.             Let me first say, however, that for the overwhelming majority of the time she was alive, Elizabeth Irene Brooks was, quite simply, one of the genuinely great mothers of all time, if not the genuinely greatest. The earliest memory I have of her is this time she, I, and a group of neighborhood kids were playing ball outside and it began sprinkling. Being in that I was at the time not a very social person, I pointed out the sprinkling (my exact words being: "It's starting to rain") in the hope that the game would end and I could go back inside. Mom's affectionate response: "You won't melt or lump."     And there other facets of this woman that deserve mention. The way she consistently cooked and cleaned for me. The fact that, for the rest of her life, even though she and my Dad divorced, she never in any sense tried to poison my mind against him, always, always speaking well of him (Indeed, when one time it was arranged that my Dad would certainly, definitely visit us--when said divorced was final, he took up residence in New Jersey with his new wife Terry, where he lived right up to the day he died--she went into sheer glee, joyously grabbing both of my hands and literally doing a jig with me). The way she was an uber-solid, never-wavering brick while I was going through what was easily the worst period of my Asperger's (Actually, there was one time--one time--that she hit me that I'll go into later. However, as I'll explain, I richly deserved it).               And there are other times that are worthy of remembering. During my adolescence Mom bore a striking resemblance to this dazzlingly beautiful black singer/actor named Barbara McNair, who was quite popular at the time. While I was in the hospital recuperating from an injury that happened to me at school, Mom came to visit me and, while she was there, I told my hospital roommate how much Mom resembled the aforementioned performer. After my hospital roomie and I talked for a while, Mom, sporting a grin, asserted: "I wish I had [McNair's] money." Later, also grinning, she told my roommate, regarding me: "You want to know anything about show business, you ask this boy." Also: I used to regularly write letters-to-the-editor to my hometown newspaper The Pittsburgh Post-Gazette and other publications, which, more often than not, would be printed. Eventually Mom, without any urging from me whatsoever, collected literally all of my printed missives and compiled them in a quite attractive and quite sizable binder. And not once, not once, did Mom ever ask me: "Why are you wasting your time on that meaningless stuff?" And as for that one time Mom hit me, it was during the 1980s, when I was deep, deep, deep into my Asperger's--in point of fact, as was mentioned earlier, honestly the deepest I'd ever been. Mom and I were having this very forceful argument--about what, sad to say, has long escaped my memory--and in the midst of it, freely displaying an arrogance and a callousness that to this day shame me, I said to Mom: "The hell with you" and turned away. To this Mom of course spun me back around to her and gave me a good, hard left hook (Even then she showed me unconditional love, saying to me after she'd done it: "'The hell with you.' Now what kind of way is that for a son to talk to his mother?").               Yet when Mom took ill, her usually giving, usually loving demeanor changed and changed majorly. She became snappish, intolerant, and flat-out mean-minded.             Here are examples.                   .One day while we were riding along looking for the office of this doctor with whom she'd made an appointment. There was a very long stretch of time when we couldn't find said office so I, alas, engaged in my lifelong habit of playing with my fingers. "Don't play with your fingers!" Mom screeched. "Watch the numbers [of the houses we were passing], please!" And even though I immediately got on Mom for screaming at me, she didn't apologize until around a week later.          .Mom had developed a deep girl-crush on the professional-men's-tennis sex symbol Roger Federer. One night the two of us were in her room watching him play and the time came when I had to take my meds and go to bed. Yet Mom, completely ignoring the fact that I had to take much-needed, indeed, crucial medication, insisted that I stay and watch Federer make this play. And some time later, I was home alone and I was planning to go someplace and I was speaking to Mom over the phone--where she was at the time, alas, has completely left my memory--and she actually wanted me to stay home and watch this televised match Federer was scheduled to play so I could tell her about it when she got back home.                   .One morning I was in bed and Mom was standing over me and out of the blue she snappishly said: "I wish you'd go out and clean off the snow [from the driveway]." When I protested her language and her demanding tone, she quickly shut me down ("All right, don't get excited. Forget about it").                   .Mom at last finally had to be put in a hospice. During a visit I made to her we got into an argument wherein I expressed firm resentment over Mom's incessant "attacks." At this she snarled: "You deserve to be attacked!"                   .The absolute final remark I heard Mom say before she died was, when she got out of bed despite the fact that she was clearly too weak to do so and I ordered her to lie back down, her angrily complaining that I was "hollering" at her.                     And thus it would go. Allow me to say right here and right now that I am perfectly aware that Mom said the things she did and behaved the way she did because she was facing the one situation in her life about which she could do nothing--namely her upcoming death--and it frustrated, indeed, scared the crap out of her. Therefore, when she lashed out, she was lashing out not at me but at the one condition in her life over which she had absolutely, positively no control. And: I am also fully aware that, in dredging up the times Mom was hurtful and offensive--which, it shames me to say, I repeatedly do--I'm entirely bypassing, in fact, entirely backhanding the vast majority of my time with her during which she was, to come right out with it, simply one of the most outstanding mothers of all time, if not the most outstanding. And I know full well that if Mom had been completely together, if she could have somehow stood outside herself and could have heard and saw what she was saying and how she was behaving toward me, she would have been fiercely remorseful. It brings to mind what the towering Scottish poet Robert Burns wrote:                                                   "O wad some Power the giftie gie us                                        To see outsels as ithers see us!"                   However, all this knowledge is entirely in my head. It after all this time has not fully reached my heart.               Other factors that are impacting my feelings: In point of fact--and let it be noted that I'm profusely wincing as I say this--I have and have long had a Carol Brady/Shirley Partridge/Clair Huxtable-influenced notion of what a mother, and especially a black mother, is supposed to be. Thus, in being hurtful and offensive like she was--and permit me to say that I fully realize how this sounds--Mom to me was failing to live up to Clair Huxtable standards. Then, too, it still hurts me that my own mother was behaving so negatively towards her own son. I have and have long had this vision, it saddens me to say, of mothers as always-patient, always-affectionate, always-loving. Mom's words and behavior during her final days gravely wounded that vision (In truth, I continue to have the attitude that Drew Barrymore compensated for being the monumentally bratty, monumentally immature, monumentally selfish mother she was in Riding In Cars With Boys by being the greatly warm, greatly attentive, greatly loving mother she was in Blended). That these outlooks completely, completely ignore and, in fact, swat away the facts that Mom was 1) dying and 2) human is knowledge that I wholly realize intellectually. However, I regret to say, it has not fully gotten through emotionally/psychologically.     So I continue to go through the tortures of the damned concerning Mom's death. On the one hand, I am mightily bitter and mightily resentful regarding the fiercely angry, fiercely intolerant, very often venomous woman she was during her last period. On the other hand, I know full well in my head, not, alas, in my heart, that such bitterness and such resentment not only display titanic insensitivity concerning the considerable fear--indeed, the considerable anguish--that Mom felt but also wholly obscures the fact that, during the great majority of my time knowing her, she was, to employ a line from the hit 1990s number, "the closest thing to perfect that I've ever seen."