#i didn't know how to describe it though SO THERE'S YOUR VISUAL

[elebicheee]

Insecure Attraction- X-MEN 97!Logan X F!Reader

A/N: I had to exorcise this from my system sksksksksksk. Might make a part two if anyone wants it.

Wordcount: 2142

Summary: Feelings grow like plants, and with plants come weeds that hinder that growth. After a close call on a mission Logan takes it upon himself to train you, and for a fleeting moment you think maybe your one-sided crush isn't as one-sided as you thought. Then you're interrupted, and jealousy rears its ugly head.

Warnings: Canon typical violence. Unrequited love but is it tho? Reader is described as taller than Logan and is referred to as she/her but no physical descriptions are used. Lowkey Jean Grey slander but its due to jealousy and misunderstanding.

PT2 height diff visual aid

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To say you'd spent most of your time in the mansion praying to whatever gods were out there that the telepaths on the property couldn't hear your thoughts was an understatement. Since you moved here everyone has been very welcoming and accommodating. And though you'd been a mutant your entire life, this was the first time you'd ever had to deal with mind readers. And that made you nervous.

Not because you had any sort of nefarious plans or dark treacherous secrets. But because you had a crush. A big one.

And you really, really, wanted to keep it under wraps because the thought of it ever turning into anything seemed so preposterous and far-fetched that your own feelings made you embarrassed. 

It started very slowly, your crush on Logan, so slow that by the time it had blossomed completely the roots were too deeply bedded to simply rip out. You didn't like him at first, he was brash, stubborn and pretty rude. And, not to mention, short. All things that you didn't like, at all. Surely. You'd entertained enough assholes in your life to want anything to do with him at all, and standing at almost six feet you knew how men reacted to feeling ‘lesser’. And by all accounts, you should want nothing to do with Logan-fucking-Howlett.

But here you were. It was strange how people's roles in one's mind changed without notice. 

Your powers were simple, being able to conjure panels of energy that you mostly used as shields for yourself or others. You had a pretty background position on the team, which you didn't mind at all given that before this you'd never really fought much. This relegated you to work on more ‘search and rescue’ missions after the big fights. Your panels allow you to keep buildings steady to give first responders time to get people out or keeping them safe during combat while they did their jobs. It was during these tasks that you saw the cracks in Logan’s gruff facade. 

It wasn't a secret that he all but ran towards the battlefield as soon as a skirmish started. But what most people didn't know was that he stayed, long after the battles ended. His body still healing from the damage, suit torn, he’d help anyone stuck under rubble, he'd take hits from falling debris in their place knowing that he could heal but they couldn't. 

“Fuck!” You heard his gruff voice nearby after the unmistakable sound of falling rubble and a fragile scream. You turned from the pillar you were holding in place to see Logan crouching over an elderly woman, a partially destroyed wall crumbled over his back.

“Logan!” You made sure it was safe to release your hold on the pillar before making your way to him carefully. There was some blood on his part but nothing he wouldn't walk away from. Making sure there was nothing stabbing him, you created a panel between his back and the shattered wall, keeping it firmly in place allowing him to move freely and carry the old woman to safety. Despite the obvious pain he was in he moved carefully, mindful of the old woman's fragility. You stared as he handed her carefully to the paramedics nodding wordlessly at her teary thank yous and walking away. It was only when you heard Scott call for your help that you released the wall you were holding in place, its impact on the floor waking you from your dazedness that you tore your gaze away from Logan's wounded back and continued to do your job. 

That was one of many moments that slowly chipped away at your crude first impression of him, and built something more for him inside your heart.

For the most part, you just observed from afar, convinced that this was enough for you. Because his heart already belonged to someone else. Because men don't like taller women. Because he wasn't the relationship-type unless it involved a certain redhead. Excuses, excuses, excuses. 

Every small act of kindness offered or thoughtful gestures that were meant only for those on the receiving end and no one else made the feeling in your chest tighter. Saving civilians, despite the very real possibility that they were mutant-hating bigots; Or offering reassurance to Morph when they were having a bad day. Every action just crushed your little heart bit by bit.

You wanted to bash your head against a wall.

Once you knew that Logan could be kind, it was impossible to not see every little act of kindness hidden beneath layers of brashness and sarcasm. Like right now.

After a particularly difficult mission you were overwhelmed by the amount of rubble and buildings you had to keep together as first responders cleared the area. Too overwhelmed to notice a rogue sentinel. Which would have gotten you killed, had Logan not been there.

Now you made your way through the simulation currently running in the danger room, dodging and redirecting attacks and falling debris thrown your way from the simulated sentinels. Logan though you didn't get enough time in the field, which made you rusty. And being rusty could mean death. Even though you knew this impromptu training session came from a place of care, you were perfectly fine with your rust. 

“This is so not necessary!” You yelled at him while taking cover behind an overturned vehicle, “I'm not a fighter, I'm a first responder!” A blast shot near your head and you turned and ran further away from the approaching sentinel.

“The Friends of Humanity and the sentinels won't care ‘bout that bub.” Logan answered sharply through the P.A. system, his voice sending a shiver down your spine. “You're a mutant, that's all they'll see. They'll take any chance they can get to kill ya.” Blocking a direct shot from the sentinel you gasped in exhaustion and ran into an alley. “You're not gonna give em’ that chance.” 

Fuck. He definitely wasn't gonna let you out of here unless you took down that sentinel or you were too wounded to continue. And you preferred it be the former rather than the latter. Partially because the latter came with a scolding, but mostly because you didn't want to break anything during a training session of all things. You took a breath. You weren't great at attacks, mainly because you lacked the control it took to make a plan and then move it, but you could do them. You crouched and looked back at the sentinel, it lost sight of you but it was coming closer, scanning. If you could line your shot just right, you could probably take it down in one shot. You needed to move in close, your focus, or lack thereof, wouldn't allow for any sort of long range attack.

You sighed deeply, feeling the burn of exhaustion in your lungs, and ran out and towards the thing. It was scanning a nearby building, and so long as you didn’t make too much noise you'd have a few precious seconds to get close enough to decapitate the thing. But luck was not on your side since a car you jumped over decided to blast it’s alarm. Great, you'd definitely have to try launching a plane from much farther than you anticipated. The sentinel turned to face you, standing at attention it raised an arm and shot a beam in your direction. You got low, dodging as you rolled in its direction. You focused the shape of the plan in your mind, raised your hand as you ran in the machine's direction and similar to a pitcher, accumulating all the force and focus you could, you threw the thing in its direction. 

Your knees buckled under you, they hit the simulated pavement. You looked up to see that your plane had left a cut on the sentinels face, it was deep enough to incapacitate the thing, but not the decapitation you were planning. But it worked the same. The thing fell forward, debris piling around it and in all directions. But before it could reach you the simulation disappeared. You sighed in relief and sat back.

Logan entered the now empty danger room and approached you. He kneeled in front of you, a smirk on his face.

“Now that wasn't so hard, was it bub?” He asked sarcastically, making sure you weren't seriously injured, but aside from a few knicks and scratches you were fine. Content with that knowledge he offered a hand to you. “Next time we'll try two.”

“Hilarious.” You deadpanned, taking his hand as he hauled you to your feet. You took in the feel of his calloused hand in yours, and for a moment wondered how many times of hurt it took for someone with a near perfect healing factor to have hands as callous as his’. You swallowed the lump in your throat, and ignored the heat crawling from your hand up to your neck. “I am never doing this again, thank you.” You continued letting go of his hand, you looked down at him desperately hoping he couldn't tell how you were feeling inside. With his enhanced senses, you could never know, but you schooled your features.

“C’mon kid, my teachin’ aint that bad.” He chuckled looking up at you. The way he never hesitated looking up at you, never took a step back to measure your height against his, even the first time you met, always added fuel to the fire in your heart. Men were always weird about you being taller than them, but never Logan. Sometimes you wished he would, then maybe you'd be able to look him in the eyes for more than a few seconds at a time.

“It's definitely intense.” You averted your gaze and bussied yourself with checking where you needed to have your uniform mended. Honestly unnecessary since Hank seemed to enjoy those tasks, but anything that could keep your gaze away from him was welcome. 

“You can handle it.” His voice was deep, husky. And for a single delusional moment you wondered if he was actually talking about the training. 

No. Surely not.

“Well, I'm glad one of us thinks so.” You tried to sound sarcastic, not flustered. You went to walk past him but he stopped you with a hold on your arm. You looked back at him, his gaze was serious, you ignored how it felt to have those eyes on you.

“I'm serious.” His voice was firm, his hand firm on your arm, not letting go. “You can handle this, you need to. You could've died out there.”

“I didn't, I'm fine.” 

“You almost weren't.” He grit his teeth, he brought up his other hand and held your other arm. Now you faced him fully. He was not letting you go. “I can't always be there to keep you safe, I need to know that you'll be okay even if I'm not there.”

“I-” You gaped at him, your face was so hot you feared you'd combust right there. You tried to squirm out of his grasp, but his hold was firm, the more you tried to escape him the firmer his hold became. “I appreciate the concern, but I promise I'm fine!”

“Listen-” The sudden swish of the entrance to the danger room cut him off. Both of you turned to face the door to find Jean Grey standing there. Instantly he dropped his hands, leaving you colder than you were before his touch.

“Am I interrupting something?” She asked, a hint of amusement on her face. “I can come back later.”

“No.” His answer was so immediate it felt like you'd been shot in the chest. “What do you need Jeannie?” He walked over to her, back to you. 

And there it was. 

She was his Jeannie. His everything. The girl he'd wait forever for even when she's clearly never looking his way, not really. For a moment you just watched them. The way he looked at her, the way she looked at him. Whatever they were saying was completely lost to you. The few feet between you and the pair felt like miles.

The other root took hold. Green and ugly. Jealousy. Was it fair to be so jealous over someone that would never be yours? The warm feeling in your chest turned cold, gripping and painful.

It wasn't fair. She has Scott, why was she still stringing Logan along?!-

Her gaze shot towards you, eyes wide.

Oh no.

no , no, no!

You'd thought too loud. She’d definitely heard you. Logan looked between the two of you, confused. He hesitated, but took a step towards you. 

You pushed past the pair, ignoring both their protests, heart hammering in your ears. If Logan called after you, you didn't hear him. 

You really hated living with telepaths.

[utilitycaster]

I think people sometimes go REALLY deep into like, either symbolism or "what does it mean that this character always wears the same color, what does it all mean" in actual play and on the one hand I get it's not visual or limited by budget, so in theory characters could wear any outfit of any color at any time, but it's still very convenient in terms of painting a verbal picture, and serves as a shortcut for your players. Like, take the following two examples:

(from 2x80)

(from 3x45 and 3x57)

Now, there could be a reason why Matt initially picked blue for these two characters (though my hunch is that mage=blue is a very common trope, especially in gaming) but once they are established as "blue" characters, there is a vested interest in keeping them blue because it allows him to (as you can see) successfully hint at who they are to the players or permit an explanation for how they're able to connect the dots. Especially because neither of them have particularly unique descriptions physically (elves and humans with light-colored hair are not uncommon) it's an easy way to say across years and campaigns "yes, this is Allura; yes, this is Ludinus, and based on the looks of it this seems like his tower." (Worth noting for the tower that Matt doesn't even repeat the color, just says it matches his aesthetic). If Yussa were to show up in C3 or a future one-shot, I bet he'll be wearing gold. It's not a bad thing! But it doesn't mean that they only wear one color all the time or that it's necessarily very important; it's a quick code. It's not unlike the TAZ Barry Bluejeans reappearance; the bluejeans don't actually mean anything other than "Griffin didn't feel like saying Sildar Hallwinter, and came up with a joke name" but by describing the character, instead of just going "oh it's Barry" the GM makes it a much more special moment by letting the players figure it out, especially in cases where they can't introduce a character by name because the current party doesn't know them.

[herecirmsims]

Questions For Storytellers

I have (I think) finally caught up on my list of poses to make, so I wanted to do something a little fun (for me, not for anyone else LMAO) and entirely self-indulgent. I read stories and tell my own over on Instagram, but of course it's harder to post long-form text like this over there.

Special thanks to @freezerbnuuy as I'm copying their post. ❤️

What’s the last screenshot you’ve taken for your story?

This is from the middle of my last post, but it's the last screenshot I took because I went back and added this scene in after finally caving and making my own stupid poses for it hahah.

2. Describe your story in three words or less: Needlessly long tbh

3. Describe (insert character here) in three words or less: Uhhh I'll pick Saxen since he's my MC... wet cat energy (which I think is something @nefaricussims said actually??). Or "90s cocaine chic" as @southernsimmin so beautifully described him. 🤣

4. How did you choose the name of your story? It's called The Cottage because it's... based in and around a cottage. 🥲 I have a very imaginative mind!! 🤣 But also, the cottage plays an important role throughout the whole story and especially in the upcoming finale.

5. How do you choose your characters’ names? My Sim story is based on a novel I never had the confidence to finish - in that version, Sax is an ælf based on Anglo-Saxon belief. I made him a vampire in Sims because that was the only pack I owned at the time, besides base game, and for gameplay purposes I thought vamp put him close to how I imagined him. I now realise I could have easily used CC and my own damn imagination to make him an ælf but I didn't know much about CC at the time, either. 🤣 Because of this, the original story leant into fae lore and the stuff about never revealing your true name. Saxen isn't his real name anyway, but for an added layer it also isn't spelt how you might imagine if you heard it spoken. The same for Thom and Jac who are also characters who came over from the 'original'.

6. How long have you been working on your story for? A little over three years! I have learned soooo much in that time.

7. Whats the biggest risk you’ve taken with your story? Did it pay off? I dunno that I've taken any risks, other than putting it out there in the first place.

8. What about your story are you proud of? I think the fact it exists at all. I've been writing stories since I was a kid, but at some point I lost confidence in myself and have never finished anything/wanted to share it with people because I end up overthinking and deleting it. So I am proud of myself for having maintained a continuous story for three years, and for having other people read it. I think because there was no pressure with a Sims story - with a novel I kept thinking, this has to be perfect and polished so that I can publish it someday. With a Sims story, I'm free to just write the silly tropes I enjoy and allow myself to suck and learn and get better at it.

9. What about your story are you looking to improve on? I read a fantastic article about ma - including pauses in your visual storytelling, space for the characters to sit and breath and reflect. It's ma that makes Ghibli movies so wonderfully distinctive. Being able to make my own poses means that I can show a character's expression or body language in response to a situation, without the need for overlaying text. I'm trying really hard to move away from the "talking heads" style that reads more like a script, and letting the visuals tell the story for me instead. I'm not very good at it because I enjoy my blah blah, but it's fun to try!!

10. Is your story fully planned or are you still working things out? Is there a definitive end? I'm approaching the end of it now, which has been planned for the last three years, so yes - I know pretty much everything that's going to happen. Sometimes the characters still throw a little surprise for me though.

11. Why have you decided to tell this story? Are there any messages or meanings within it? When I got the Sims almost 4 years ago, I had absolutely no idea that there was a) a whole community around it or b) that people used it for storytelling. I'd already made Sax, Thom, and Jac in the game, because I'd wanted to see them come to life during gameplay. Then I discovered poses and started sharing random staged screenshots on Instagram, and became friends with the exceptionally talented TheSimmerKay (now making machinimas!) who showed interest in my silly little characters and suggested that I try telling a story too. I owe her a lot!! As for messages and meaning... I'm very interested in what makes people do the things they do, and how the hero of a story often depends on whose POV we're hearing the story from. There's a fine line between hero and villain sometimes, and a hero acting out of love can cross from protectiveness into control.

12. Do you actually play the game or do you just use it as a storytelling medium? Yep - I have a designated story save, which is the one I take all my screenshots in and which never has gameplay. Then I have a Happy Ever After save for Sax and Fen and another save for for my Globetrotter Challenge Sim, both of which are gameplay only. I think it's important to have that outlet; I can work on my story, make poses, or just play the game, depending on what I fancy.

13. From basic planning to a finished post, how long does that take you? 2-3 evenings. I tend to get everything laid out and text added, then let it sit for a day because I inevitably think of a way to do something better if I give it chance to breath. 🤣

14. Do you have any regrets about your story so far? If you could go back in time, how would you fix these? Not regrets, really, but there are some threads that I put in - fully intending to complete them later in the story - but never did, due to them just not fitting with the story or wanting to try and bring things to an end sooner. But similarly, there are times when I was going to put in a little hint or foreshadowing in and didn't, and then later in my story have wished I had! The tricky part of serialised storytelling is you have to just live with what you have (or don't have), you can't go back and remove or add scenes like you would with a drafted novel.

15. What have been the highlights of creating your story? I've met so many incredible people due to it, oh my goodness. Truly extraordinary Simmers who've shared their time and knowledge with me. We have a little mutual reading group on Insta where we all read and geek out over each other's stories and it's just wonderful. I was honestly shocked when i went to other platforms and realised how much drama there can be in the Sims community. 🤣

16. What about the process do you enjoy? Not that I don't enjoy the process... but I mostly love it when it's finished and I can share it, hahaha.

17. What about the process do you hate? I don't hate any of it... it's a hobby and I do it because I enjoy it. That being said, it does fuck me off when I have multiple Sims in a scene, everyone is in place and has poses queued, and then MCCC Dresser FREEZES MY GAME NOOOOOOOO WHY

18. Choose a song that reminds you of your story:

This is the unofficial theme... specifically this version in Old English, which is Saxen's first language. "It's our destiny then to find love again / Where we failed once before now we'll win"

19. Choose a song that reminds you of (insert character here):

Another one for Sax I guess because he's special. 😌🤣 "But you, a cinder of the fire that's yet to come / Will you just sit and mourn this fragile thing that you've become / Or instead will you consume the very things you can't outrun / Until you finally see all of the strength that you draw from?"

20. Choose your favourite shot from your story so far: Hmmm I think this one, which was me being lazy and reusing a screenshot from an older scene during a flashback-style narration. 🤣 I was trying to achieve something else with the editing but did this by accident and liked it.

21. Choose your least favourite shot so far: Too many to pick from LMAO

22. Choose a favourite character from your story so far: Sax, obviously, he's my lil chew toy/punching bag. But then there's also Idris, for whom I only wish the best. She's going through some trouble right now and I don't enjoy it. It's much more fun to bully Sax.

23. Choose your least favourite character so far: I don't have one! Although Vlad makes me deeply uncomfortable tbh. I find him to be a really creepy villain, and unlike any of my other villains, he's not in any way misrepresented or redeemable. I'm using a makeover version of him by WistfulCastle (I would link, but I don't think he's available anymore?)!

24. Are there any characters who remind you of yourself? No... well. Whenever baby El randomly info-dumps on a niche subject, that's mostly me taking advantage of a captive audience to tell them about karkadanns or medieval torture items or dead bodies on Everest. 🥲

25. What inspirations have you drawn on for your story? I honestly don't know - I can't name anything that I've consciously drawn on, though I know for sure I must have. Funnily enough people have told me things like "oh that's like in Vampire Diaries" or "that's like that part in the Harry Potter films" and I haven't watched either of those, so I think what's happening is we're all drawing from the same well of folklore and mythology and trope. There is occasional story drama about being copied and the thing is... unpopular opinion alert... many of us aren't as unique as we think we are. 😅 What we are unique at is taking a trope and telling it in our own distinctive way. No one else can tell your story quite like you can.

26. Have other sim stories inspired you? I have soooo many talented friends who inspire me to do better when it comes to visuals and storytelling!! @callmedomino is the queen of silent storytelling and a huge inspiration on my journey to discover ma. I really love how well she can tell a story with no words.

27. What genres would you describe your story as? I call it rural fantasy lmao

28. If you could reproduce your story in another medium (movie, novel, comic, etc.) what would you choose and why? I mean obviously I'd say movie because HOW COOL would that be?! Especially an animated one!

29. What would your story’s rating be? (G, PG, M etc.) Ummm probably M because there is the occasional spicy scene. Sometimes three a year LMAO.

30. If you were leaving simblr Simsta and had to choose another creator to continue the story for you, who would you ask? Well tbh I've given Sax and Fen to several good friends already; some of them have them in ongoing cameos in their own stories. I wouldn't ask anyone to continue mine, but I like to think that Sax and Fen could live on in my friend's stories and games if anything were to ever happen to me.

31. Drop some random trivia about your story: When I started I only meant to do short, random vignettes about daily life at the cottage. Somehow it snowballed into a three year epic. 🤣

32. Give a light spoiler: "This is who I am. If I was any other way, I would not be myself."

[weirdmarioenemies]

I've been thinking about Snood a lot lately. Never did I expect I would suddenly become so Snoodpilled! Exactly one week ago, I decided I didn't want to talk about each Snood individually. But I can't help it. I'm gonna do it! I'm about to Snood! I could go on and on about the history of Snood but other people have done that already and you can find it if you're interested. I am just going to explore the designs of each of these little disembodied heads (they are officially referred to as such. I don't know where their bodies went) and you're going to watch! I want you to imagine this happening physically. You sitting in a room while someone plays a slideshow of Snoods while analyzing them. That's what we do here!

Jake is the Main Snood! The simplest, the most straightforward. He is sort of just a face, and I know all the Snoods are, but this is even more straightforward than most! He is pretty striking, though, with his deep blue and intense stare, compared to the more expected yellow smiling face. Despite his simplicity, Jake has served as the mascot of Snood from the beginning, and I guess he's a good choice for that. I don't actively enjoy the designs of many Snoods, so maybe I would say that about any one declared as the mascot, though.

Zod is already much more of a freak than Jake! He's angry, his sclerae turn cyan, and he bares his sharp teeth. My favorite part is that his nostrils glow! What's going on in there? Little creatures throwing a raging party? Or maybe it means it works as an electrical outlet! Most of all, Zod's most interesting feature is his shape. He has four flat-looking protrusions, as if he could easily stand on any of them. Or maybe they're suction cups. Or maybe they're open holes! Stick your arm in and wave at someone from through a Zod! If you cover all but the top one, you could drink a beverage out of him!

Midoribe heard someone say "be there or be square", and let me tell you. He was not there. He is the Snood who fills up most of the space of his sprite, which gives him an interesting vibe of being the Biggest One. I feel like the characters all being radically different shapes would lead to aiming being a bit more difficult depending on which one you're launching. There could be a Snood Visual Clarity tier list! Awesome. Midoribe's face isn't all that interesting, besides his fascinating nose. The bridge is oh so thin, but the nostrils so builbous, looking almost like two tunicates attached to a stactite! Pretty cool of his nose!

Geji is my favorite Snood! The face isn't that exciting compared to the other Snoods', though I like how happy she looks in the standard expression. I say "she" because Snood HD made Geji a very standard Girl Snood design, but look at this original one and tell me that isn't an awesome and epic girl. The best part is all her tendrils! Geji is like a bacterium or something, with all these cilia emerging from her relatively small main body, and filling out the space of her sprite! I bet those could catch plankton if they needed to. They even droop like mammal ears when Geji is sad. But Geji has much reason to smile, and that includes her very interesting widely-placed but tall teeth. Look at them!

Sunny is, I think, the most conventional Snood. A yellow smiley guy with sunglasses, and he's named after the sun. Pretty standard! However, he is the only standard Snood to wear an accessory, which I guess is notable of him. He has the default Mii nose and that is funny to me. The more I look at him, the more I like him! I really like his lopsided smile, and I reasonably like the way his mouth widens SO much when grinning. He is so happy. Lastly, I like how he reminds me of Cheez-It Gripz. Remember Gripz? Gripz were just okay.

Mildred has a really wacky shape! I am not sure how to describe it. Actually, now that I look more closely, she's shaped like a baby's shirt and diaper at rest, and like a somewhat poofy dress when frowning. I don't think that was at all the intention, she is just very oddly shaped! I like it. Mildred has easily the most striking eyes of all, with cyan sclerae, black irises, and pink pupils! They look like they would give her some kind of ability along the lines of X-ray vision. Their positioning makes me think of a hammerhead shark! Mildred's upper lip has a funny little nubbin that seems to lock into a funny little nubbin-shaped slot on the lower lip, and it feels almost beak-like to me. Mildred could chomp a prickly pear pad pretty easily if she wanted to.

Spike is the last of our regular Snoods, and I think he might be my second favorite! His worried expressions are so endearing to me. I think he would be the big tough guy with a heart of gold. He looks like he would be a monster living under a kid's bed, and he would be more scared than the kid when they encounter each other. His horns are kind of the most creature-like of a trait that any Snood has, which is interesting! I think if Spike had a full body, he would have hooves.

AAAAHHHHH!!!! EEK!!!!! This is Numbskull, and Numbskull is a BAD SNOOD! Numbskull cannot be matched with itself and gets in the way and is evil and a bad guy. At first glance it looks like a standard skull, but the more I look at it, the more it looks alive, actually! It has lips. It has nostrils. What I thought were cracks are brown, as if hair! Skin vibes from this Snood. Not only is it an obstacle, but if you don't manage to save all the Snoods, they will turn INTO Numbskulls! Not only did you kill them, you made them bad guys. Nice going, PAL! Luckily we have some MAGIC SNOODS to help deal with them...

Rowbuilder will build a row of all the same kind of Snood, giving an easy area to clear, and transforming other Snoods, including Numbskulls. They can become nice again! They put redemption arcs in Snood! Rowbuilder himself is a weird sort of guy, with a very gaunt face, even more gaunt than the actual skull guy. He has weird Rayman hair on top, and two big ol' arrows on the sides of his head that can stick out to show you that, oh yes, this is a Horizontal Ability guy. I don't have much opinion on him. That little triangle under his mouth could just be a gradient thing, but I think it would be really funny if it was a Snood Soul Patch.

Stone, on the other hand, I love! What's going on with this thing! It is honestly frightening-looking! A strangely-textured orb, entirely out of style with the other Snoods, and a face that's just some vacant, featureless depressions. This would give uncanny valley vibes to a sentient bowling ball. Even though it's a rock, the texture looks like an annelid worm's segments to me. Also even though it's a rock, it explodes! I really don't know why it isn't a bomb (and it would in fact be replaced by a bomb in a later game) but I'm glad it's an unsettling rock instead!

Then there's Wildcard. This goofy guy. This chucklehead. He is playing one of his trademark Tricks on us by not having a unique design in the original game, forcing me to use his sprite from a different game, completely disregarding the consistency of this post! The rascal! He is on our side though, and can turn into whatever Snood is needed to make a match, so don't kill him with hammers. He's alright in the end. The real shame is that he wasn't the Joker in Snood Solitaire! Joker's Trick!

And last, and arguably least, we have Odin. I like Odin, but Odin does not appear in any "mainline" Snood games, just a few spinoffs! Their design is much less upsetting than any other Snood's. This is easy to look at. So obviously I would love to see what Odin would look like if they were a gradient freak like the other Snoods! I think peach is a good color choice for an additional Snood, and the expressions are fun and distinct, but the arrow-shaped horns (?) do evoke Rowbuilder, so something a bit more distinct would have been nice. Maybe antennae, or ossicones!

And that's all the Snoods! I will not be going over their various redesigns, because none are nearly as visually striking and distinct as the originals. Especially the Snood HD ones, who are cohesive and have more mass appeal, at the cost of actual interesting designs. In the end, I still feel none of the Snoods are my style, but they sure are Interesting!

[galedekarios]

good day! thank you for beautiful visuals and metas of Gale, its great to find fans who care about him so! You got me thinking - for a character so romantic, so delighted to be in love Gale knew little about it with Mystra. He spoke about being her lover like it was a highest honor, losing her favor, being cut off described as fate worse than Netherese Orb itself. Gale agrees to die for her forgiveness no questions asked. All this while he realises deep down even through it was voiced later - he was her plaything, another mortal falling under her spell, no love requited ever could be there, gods don't feel it. It's very sweet and a little heartbreaking, how open and smitten he can be if romanced, how happy he becomes loving and being loved in return.

thank you for your wonderful and very sweet message, anon. 🖤 i really do appreciate it.

yes, that is everything that i find very touching about gale's romancce.

to me, gale is someone who hasn't truly known what love is yet. he has known worship and obedience, wonder and pleasure. i think, considering how young he was when mystra came into his life, it's perhaps no surprise at all that once their relationship changed, he may have thought it was love between them. it was most certainly for him. in fact, i do remember a particular line from early access that always stuck with me and truly showed the imbalance at work here:

Player: What did Mystra’s attention feel like? Gale: Love. 

and

Player: Teacher’s pet, was he? Gale: He fancied himself much more than that. He fancied himself favoured above all others. Perhaps it was not quite love, but you see, the wizard was but a very young man. It was most certainly love to him. Mystra showed him the secrets behind the veils. The gossamer veils first, draped across the Weave. The delicate veils next, draped across her body. ‘Chosen One’ she whispered, as she slipped them off completely.

and even now, in the full release version of the game, that sentiment still lingers. he wasn't just her chosen, he was her lover - and we learn throughout the game what love truly entails for gale: heart, mind, body and soul.

Gale: I'm many things to many people, but I'm never a man to throw the l-word around lightly. I said exactly what I meant: I love you. You should never, never doubt that. - Gale: We didn't just make love. We bonded, body and soul. I got lost in you.

with mystra casting him away, he not only lost his power, his status, but also one of his most central relationships with the goddess who was his teacher, mentor and love all at once, all at the same time.

but we also know that he had relationships before mystra and before the protag:

Gale: No, you are not the first. Though you are the first since my relationship with Mystra came to its ignominious end.

i think this quote is just so interesting, especially if you pair it with:

Gale: To know you love me for the man I am, and not the magic I command... None have loved me so purely before.

and:

Player: I love you. But for the man that you are. Not the god you'd pretend to be. Gale: But think what I offer. The vastness of eternity to explore, the Weave at our fingertips... You would really prefer me as I am? Node Context: Genuine, vulnerable - the player just told him they loved him in a way that no one else has

so whatever these relationships before were, it's clear that something was missing from them for gale. something that gale sorely needed.

all of these little puzzle pieces combine to a larger whole of why we find gale as he is when we meet him in the story: someone who very much is struggling to find any worth in the person that he is outside of what he can provide to be useful.

Gale: Let me make myself indispensable. - Gale: I'm indispensable, aren't I? - Gale: My best is yours. - Gale: Please - continue to believe in me. I want to show you the wizard I am capable of being, rather than the poor excuse for a man who's kept you company thus far.

there are so many more of these, following the same vein, even in act iii.

gale is only now learning how to be loved, how to allow himself to be loved, and under that continuous reaffirmation given by the protag, he opens up to it, strains towards it, like a flower to the sun.

Gale: You truly are a soul that steels my own. From all my new-rallied heart I thank you. I stand at a precipice, but if you do not give up hope, neither shall I. I'll fight, I'll resist - as long as I can. - Gale: You give me hope, and I've not had that in some time. - Player: How are you feeling? Gale: Worried, if I'm being honest. I have so much to live for - more than I thought I'd have again, after Mystra. - Gale: It's been so long since I used it. Gale Dekarios cuts a poor figure next to the wizarding prowess of 'Gale of Waterdeep'. Player: Gale Dekarios. I think I like him more. Gale: You like so many things about me I'd have sooner discarded... Your generosity is quite wonderful. - Gale: You see me as I am, and do not find me wanting.

he still has a very long way to go, to heal, it's not a process that's completed by the time his quest is completed or the game ends - and depending on your protag, they too have things that still weigh heavy on them as well - but it's a beginning.

[focsle]

have you written anything about tattoos? is that relevant? don't know how your niche lines up with generic "sailor" tradition, but wikipedia simply says on knuckle tats that deckhands may get "HOLD / FAST" as a charm to support their grip on rigging, and i thought that was kind of cute.

I haven't written anything myself, mostly cos if you throw a stick out in the internet you'll find any number of articles about the symbolism of sailor tattoos, like hold fast and pigs and roosters and swallows and all that!

In my narrow window (the middle decades of the 19th century), I don't see tattoos mentioned all too often, compared to late 19th and throughout the 20th century where they became more common. For instance, this register of seaman's protection certificates (which are admittedly limited in the scope of things, since they're only from a few specific ports) from 1796-1871 rarely list tattoos as distinguishing marks, beyond the odd mention of being marked with an inked anchor, eagle, or letters here or there. Here's a neat jstor article (if you have any more of your 100 free monthly articles to read with a google account) that goes into late 18th-early 19th c tattoos that has some tables and visuals. The research was also done using seaman's protection certificates, with the following stat:

"The SPC-A records start in 1796 and include tattooed men born as early as 1746. There were 979 tattooed men out of a total of 9,772 men whose records survive from 1796 through 1818.26 These men were marked with a total of about 2,354 separate designs."

So, not a large number, but also 10% isn't insignificant. The protection certificates while a reliable source, also only describe the man in one specific moment. I'm sure a few of those men who just have their moles and scars and crooked fingers listed eventually picked up a tattoo or two in their time. Most journal keepers perhaps didn't think it important to mention who had tattoos or what of, though the typical motifs of anchors, nautical stars, girls, religious & patriotic imagery, etc. were certainly a part of the visual language at this point. Whaler William Abbe who sailed in the 1850s, devoted considerable attention to describing the physical appearance of some of his shipmates. In one instance, he wrote about the tattoos of one 'Johnny Come Lately' or 'Jack Marlinspike' (Real name, John Hewes of Buffalo NY)

'from beneath this cap his face looms out - while beneath supporting his comical head is a bare neck and breast — hairy + brown —the upper timbers to a stout hull of a boat that boast a pair of arms all covered with India ink tattooings — the figure of American Liberty — Christ on the cross — an American Tar holding a star spangled banner in one hand + a coil of rope in the other — a fancy girl — + anchors, rings, crosses, knots, stars all over his wrists + hands — the memorials of different ports he has visited — for Jack has been in all kinds of vessels from a man of war to a blubber hunter — + has consequently been to many ports.'

From the logbook of another whaler who sailed in the early 1840s, James Moore Ritchie, he had a page of his drawings with prices included. This potentially may have been a tattoo flash sheet for his shipmates:

American whalers also noted the tattoos of indigenous people who had signed on to whaling vessels, particularly in the South Pacific. William B. Whitecar, whaling in the 1850s wrote: "Several New Zealanders in the respective crews of these vessels attracted my attention from the tattooing on their bodies" making mention of "figures on their face and breast".

I'm too sleepy to have a conclusion lol. Tattoos! They existed! Though perhaps not as ubiquitously as the pop culture sailor designs would imply, at least prior to the late 19th c.

[becauseimanicequeen]

WHAT I’M CURRENTLY WATCHING

It's been a while since I made one of these lists. But here I am with a new one, including the queer shows I'm currently watching. (As always, they're in alphabetical order, because that's just how I am, lol).

4 Minutes (Thailand):

This show is my current obsession. Period. The content on my blog being 99.999999999% about 4 Minutes right now says it all.

Addicted Heroin (2024) (Thailand):

I've seen both the original as well as Stay With Me, which were both fine. I was curious enough to see what Thailand would do with it, which is why I'm watching. And I'm loving it, so far.

I like Hero, even though he's an idiot. And I like the supporting pair. Hero's dad, though... No.

Battle of the Writers (Thailand):

I still have no idea what this show is about except for a couple of writers, two of which have a history together. But, I got to see three of my Playboy babes, so that's a win for me.

First Note of Love (Taiwan):

I'm spoiled with my beloved Taiwanese QLs right now. I'm even more spoiled that I have yet another very rare show where I can actually listen to the music played and sung without muting the damn thing. And I'm spoiled fucking rotten because I've got Charles Tu on my screen again.

I love everything about this show 5 episodes in, and it makes my Mondays a lot brighter (and my Mondays were fine before this, btw).

Happy of the End (Japan):

I like my Japanese shows dark and complicated. So, I'm obviously loving this.

Hidden Moon (Thailand):

I'm only one episode into this one so I don't really have much to say other than that I like the vibe and that it's visually stunning so far (always a plus for me).

I Hear the Sunspots (Japan):

I'm a bit torn with this one. But I love the representation of the deaf community because my great-grandfather was deaf.

(Kind of unrelated, but kind of not: My great-grandfather didn't know sign language, he just read lips. And he was always most comfortable around people who treated him like just anyone else.)

I Saw You In My Dream (Thailand):

Considering I only started watching this because I saw a gif of Ai wearing a Dream Theater shirt (which was my dad's favorite band before he passed away), I wasn't expecting much. But it's surprisingly enjoyable.

The only critique I have is that they ended this week's episode right in the middle of Ai and Yu kissing. Not that I think they'll go all the way in that particular scene. One of them will probably stop. But cutting the scene there... That's just rude. (I'm joking... But kind of not.)

Kidnap (Thailand):

I'm just one episode in so I don't have much to say other than that I love that Papang is in it. I always need more of him on my screen.

Live in Love (Thailand):

This is another one I'm only one episode into (the second one comes out today), so I don't have much to say other than that I really like the vibe so far.

Monster Next Door (Thailand):

I'm a simple girl. I would watch Big in anything as long as he's kissing boys, because this boy knows how to kiss boys.

The On1y One (Taiwan):

Again, I'm spoiled with my beloved Taiwanese QLs right now. And this one is everything to me.

I knew it would be amazing (it's from the same director who made Your Name Engraved Herein) so, no surprise there. And if I wasn't so busy screaming about 4 Minutes during the little spare time I have now that I'm in the middle of a big art project, I would be screaming about this show.

I only needed 10 seconds of the first episode to be hooked (them looking at each other was all I needed to be sold). 6 episodes in, and I'm in heaven.

Seoul Blues (Korea):

This is from the same creators of Blue Boys and Bad Guy and I'm watching it solely for the chemistry and the... how should I describe it? Mellow vibe?

The Trainee (Thailand):

I had a hard time getting into this one. Mainly because I can't relate to the whole office environment thing (I've always worked for myself). But somewhere around the end of the second episode or the beginning of the third, I was sold. Mostly due to the dynamics between the characters and that everyone is unique and flawed in their own way. Plus, the colors are amazing.

It's been a while since I had at least one new episode to watch every day (I think it was sometime before the summer), so I'm starting to get back to normal again. And I love it here.

[rockermazy]

All singing in the show is canonically diegetic - meaning that all singing 100% takes place in-universe, for all the characters to hear and potentially participate in.

In the first (non-pilot) episode, the " Story of Hell" book, as read by Charlie, states that Lillith "empower[ed] demon-kind with her voice and her songs - and as the numbers of Hell grew, so did its power." After the extermination began, Lilith's "dream was passed down to her precious daughter, the Princess of Hell", who is presumably Charlie herself. Two scenes later, Charlie is in musical-notation hammerspace with other denizens, being the cognito hazard that she is.

In episode 7, Rosie invites Charlie to rally Cannibal Town in defending the hotel during the upcoming extermination. When Charlie initially fails, Rosie asks how she normally explains her hotel. Charlie replies, "Through singing". Singing is canonically a gift of both Charlie and every demon - both Hellborn and Sinner.

Which leads me to a theory: One thing that's been nagging me since the pilot, is how Lucifer and Lilith have been fucking for nearly 6,000 years, but only NOW decided to have a daughter in the 21st century. It makes Charlie's existence look almost Mary Sue-ish*. After watching Helluva Boss, it made more sense that Charlie might be an "insurance baby", much like Octavia is to Stolas' lineage. Lucifer might not be unkillable. Carmine and the hotel battle of episode 8 have both demonstrated that angels can be killed with the right ammunition. But why was Charlie born now, in the 21st century? My theory is that Heaven asked Lilith to leave Hell, hoping she'd take her song with her. Heaven knew that Lilith was the one making Hell stronger through her songs. Charlie uses song to rally the people around her.

Husk used song to heal.

Song, even when used to butt heads, (ex: Lucifer vs Alastor), will make combatants drop valuable info, basically outing themselves to everyone within earshot in this universe.

My guess is that a conversation sometime in the past went something like this: Heaven: Lilith, bitch - we see what you're doing. Stop teaching Hell how to sing - the bonding and wholesomeness is threatening our status quo." Lilith: No. Heaven: Fine, we'll exterminate. Lilith: (years later, looking at Carmine's charts) hmmm... the number of sinners getting exterminated each year seems to be climbing. Heaven might want all of us dead. Hey, Luci-boo... get your depressed-ass over here. You wanna make a kid this time? (Waits til Charlie is somewhat grown, and asks Heaven for a "meeting".) Lilith: ok, I have got an offer you cannot refuse - I will never EVER sing again, and my power will leave with me - IF you give me a spot in Heaven (or Earth - I should technically be immortal since I never touched the Forbidden Fruit). Heaven: um... win for everyone? ok! Charlie herself (for lack of a better term) might be Lilith's "ace in the hole" herself. Also, this makes me wonder if the only way to avoid lying is to avoid singing on the topic XD

*I have nothing against mary sues. I'd been wanting for years now to do something visual describing the internal turmoil that religious trauma caused in my The-Cell-starring-J-lo --like inner worlds. Telling personal stories and Mary Sues are inextricably intertwined. This show has inspired me to either keep pursuing that or just quit. Because picking apart past trauma for analysis can be more trouble than its worth - especially if you are ready to forget. u.u I still get deep chills every time I hear Emily and Charlie's duet in "You Didn't Know", even though I've officially considered myself atheist for like, what, three months?" This shit was an essay. I'm just going to play Warframe instead. Peace.

[odessa-castle]

I'm bouncing around a larger post about Nishiki and the mortifying ordeal of being known, but in the meantime I'm thinking about Nishiki and Kiryu and how the clothes make (or don't make) the man. Like, beyond my visceral horror that Kiryu begged Nishiki to pick out a safe and boring suit for him in Y0 and then said he was envisioning something purple with gold stripes.

I'm thinking about Nishiki's incredible sensitivity to image and his need to control how he's perceived. I'm thinking about Kiryu's inability to let go of the past. I'm thinking about how KIryu dresses like who he thinks he is, and Nishiki dresses like who he thinks he wants to be.

There's some interesting incidental dialogue between Nishiki and Kiryu in Y0 while they're en route to the men's suit store. I wish it wasn't so easy to miss, because there's a lot to unpack here. (I'm just transcribing the English in-game subtitles here; I don't speak Japanese so I have no idea how loose vs. direct the localization is in this part.)

NISHIKI: …now that I think about it, you've been dressing like an old man since we were kids. KIRYU: Have I? NISHIKI: Yeah. The few times we got to pick our clothes, it was always like, "you're choosing THAT?" NISHIKI: I wouldn't say you're a plain guy…You'd pick shirts with weird prints though. KIRYU: Guess I forgot all that. It's weirder to me that you haven't. NISHIKI: Well, confession time. You're why I started caring about fashion. I swore I'd never go out dressed like you. KIRYU: Come on, I'm not THAT bad. [we have already discussed why kiryu is, in fact, that bad.] NISHIKI: [laughing] Aww, did I hurt your feelings? NISHIKI: Well, this time you've got me with you. I'll see my bro gets taken care of. KIRYU: Heh. What an honor. NISHIKI: Leave it to me.

Nishiki doesn't bring up Sunflower Orphanage much; when he does share memories of his childhood, those memories are kind of painful (see: "do orphans not get to dream?"). Kiryu's surprised that Nishiki remembers how they dressed as kids, but it makes sense that wearing a limited selection of hand-me-downs stuck with Nishiki so strongly. His clothes announced his poverty, and they weren't even his -- he had to share them with the other orphans, so what he wore showed he belonged to yet another stigmatized group. And I'm sure people picked up on those visual signals, especially other kids. Kids can be vicious, and appearance is an easy and immediate target! We don't know for sure how young Nishiki interacted with his peers and teachers, but given what the Morning Glory kids go through in Y3 (and given, like, everything about Nishiki), he probably didn't have a great time.

Kiryu frames his childhood as poor but loving, and places much more emphasis on the latter. There might be some rose-colored glasses at work there -- let's look at the flashback where Kazama tries (and fails) to violently dissuade Kiryu and Nishiki from joining the yakuza.

KIRYU: I owe you everything, but this isn’t about that. [...] We’ve looked up to you for all this time. Your car. Your confidence… The way everybody bows to you. We idolized you. I want that life, too. Is that so wrong!?

Nishiki doesn't really speak in this flashback, but like, Kiryu uses "we" enough for us to draw some obvious conclusions about Nishiki's own motivations. That being said, I don't think Kiryu's being dishonest or disingenuous when he describes his childhood as happy, and himself as well-loved. He's not ashamed of his upbringing, and he doesn't hide where he came from. Nishiki seems to have the inverse view. It's not that he doesn't love (at least some of) the people he grew up with, but what comes up first for him is what he didn't have. He didn't have money. He didn't have respect. He didn't have a cure for his little sister. He didn't have a lot of choice, right down to the clothes he wore.

(There's a whole other essay here about why Kiryu's and Nishiki's perspectives diverge on this, but I'm trying to limit the scope of this post. Suffice to say that, while I don't think game canon gives a timeline, I do think Nishiki was a little older when his parents were killed -- old enough that he actually remembers them, at least.)

The same mindset fuels Nishiki's interest in fashion. Yeah, part of it is that he's ribbing Kiryu, but I think it goes deeper than Kiryu wearing ugly shirts. Nishiki doesn't want people to look at him and see what's missing. Fashion isn't a means of personal expression for him, really. It's a message. It's the interplay of knowledge and resources and presentation: knowing what clothes read as successful and trendy and expensive, being able to afford those things, and convincing people that your successful important outfit makes you a successful important person. And he's not wrong about the social dimensions of fashion.

NISHIKI: Try sporting a suit that runs 500 grand for once. Trust me, you’ll see the world in a whole new light. KIRYU: Fashion’s not my thing. Besides, Kazama-san never wore flashy clothes. NISHIKI: You do realize he’s the family captain, right? Number two in the whole Dojima operation? You get to that level, you can wear whatever you damn well please. But for the rest of us, “flashy” is part of the business. KIRYU: So that fancy new car you bought was just “business”. NISHIKI: Yeah, and that fancy lighter of mine, too. Which you still haven’t given back. KIRYU: You want to play the rich guy, quit being so stingy. NISHIKI: But you get what I’m saying, right? People see the expensive car, the designer jacket, and the gleam of that little Dojima pin, they pay attention. A yakuza’s only as good as his image. [...] Take your buddy today. These squeaky-clean idiots, borrowing money just to blow on tits and booze… Nobody in this town gives a crap about substance. What you see is what you get.

That's our first take on one of the major themes of the game: what does it mean to be yakuza? Again, there is truth to what Nishiki's saying here, particularly in terms of the ethos of the eighties. I'm not an expert on the bubble era, but the worldbuilding in the game speaks for itself. People hail taxis with 10,000-yen bills. You punch money out of punks during random street battles. Nishiki keeps a personal bottle of high-end booze at a bar he's visited twice, mostly because he "can’t stand being taken for a bum." The act of spending is important, not what you're spending it on.

Nishiki's outfit in Y0 is perfectly suited (heh) to that outlook. And look, I might be inviting controversy here, but in context, I think it's a werq. Yes, it's loud. But the silhouette -- squared shoulders, single breasted, thinner peaked lapel -- is right on trend for the time period, and it fits him well. The colors look good on him. The bold pattern (no, it's not animal print) under the solid maroon is a risk, but he pulls it off. And excess aside, he knows when to pull back on the accessories. It's bright and confident and memorable, and boy would Nishiki like to be all of those things.

Also -- and importantly -- Kiryu would never go out dressed like that. Because we can't talk about Nishiki and Kiryu without talking about Nishiki's Mt. Fuji-sized inferiority complex. Mastering image doesn't just make Nishiki stand out; it makes him stand out from Kiryu. Let's go back to the beginning of the game.

NISHIKI: I’ll admit, though, you’re finally starting to look the part. You make a pretty convincing yakuza. You’re done with collections today, right? KIRYU: Yeah. NISHIKI: Good. That should put Kazama-san’s mind at ease a bit. KIRYU: Heh, dunno about that. But he always knew all I could do is fight. You’re the one who’s good at the dance.

Nishiki then calls attention to the "rags" that Kiryu's wearing, which...is not an unfair assessment. (TUCK IN YOUR SHIRT, KIRYU. HEM YOUR PANTS.) As the two of them walk around Kamurocho, Nishiki offers Kiryu plenty of hot tips, from meeting girls to making big bucks to cozying up to the brass. But even when Nishiki's opining on his area of expertise, there's a competitive edge to it. "You asking me to pick out clothes for you means you admit you have terrible taste," he tells Kiryu on the way to the suit shop. Kiryu tells him to shut up, but there's no actual hurt behind it. Kiryu doesn't really care that his taste in clothes sucks. Fashion isn't important to him. Most of the things Nishiki knows so much about don't really matter to Kiryu. And that makes Nishiki feel more insecure! Because if Kiryu rolls out of bed looking like a yakuza, if Nishiki's image counseling sessions aren't helpful or meaningful, if Kiryu can skip the dance and get to the top on the strength of his fists and convictions, then who cares about Nishiki's 500 grand suit or his hourlong hair care routine? If image isn't what makes a yakuza, what does that make Nishiki?

At the end of Chapter 6, Nishiki tries to look out for Kiryu again -- this time, by granting him a merciful death before the Dojima Family drags him to the Hole. It's one of my favorite scenes in the game. Nishiki's crying too hard to aim the gun properly; Kiryu tells him to man up and shoot. Finally, Nishiki collapses.

NISHIKI: Can’t do it… How could I shoot you!? Without you, I’ll always be nothing. Can’t make it as a yakuza… No. I wouldn’t even still be alive now if I didn’t have you beside me! I’m just… If you’re not with me, I’m useless! Nothing means anything!

Mastering image hasn't granted Nishiki anything of substance. At the end of the day, Nishiki's playing dress-up, and he knows it.

And I'm almost certainly getting into overthinking-this territory now (if I haven't gotten there already), but I kind of like the spin this puts on Nishiki ripping his expensive suit off in Chapter 14 when he decides to fight the Dojima Family at Kiryu's side. Like yes, ripping off your outer layers to get at the naked (so to speak) truth -- your irezumi, and what it represents -- is just Yakuza Storytelling 101. It's decisive, it's kind of dumb, it's great, it gets me hyped every time. But I like that Nishiki's honest answer to "what does it mean to be a yakuza?" isn't about looking the part. I am genuinely trying not to end this paragraph by saying that Nishiki must become like a dragon, but like...you get where I'm going with this.

Of course, Nishiki's back to playing dress-up in Y1/Kiwami. I'm not the first to call the Patriarch Nishikiyama look a glow-down (though I like the patterned white tie). Like, fashion-conscious Nishiki would look good in a Hedi Slimane/Tom Ford-esque skinny black suit. But he picks a silhouette you'd expect to see on a much older man, torso-swallowing pants and all. The slicked-back hair doesn't help. He's just so transparently trying to look bigger and broader and older, and he doesn't pull it off. Big Bad Patriarch isn't a good look for him, in any sense of the phrase.

A final thought: Kiryu's clothes, and Nishiki's commentary on them, are the subject of their first conversation in Y0 -- and of their last. Kiryu's costume progression in Y0 is a pretty obvious commentary on his journey, to the point where Kiryu and Nishiki explicitly call attention to the color connotations in their final exchange. As a Dojima grunt, he wears black, and it doesn't look good on him because "brutish thug who keeps his head down and does what he's told" isn't a role he's comfortable with. He wears white when he works in real estate, but the change in color isn't enough to sell anyone on his transformation into a civilian. Although it's a little rich for Oda "Red Clown Shoes" Jun to chide someone for not wearing a proper suit. At the end of the game, Kiryu's in his classic grey suit, and well, the game spells it out:

KIRYU: I’m not feeling black or white these days. This is where I’m at right now. I chose it myself. I’m making it a fresh start. NISHIKI: Fine, fine. See if I care! Wear it the rest of your life!

Nishiki, dismayed, tells Kiryu that the grey suit already looks dated, but for Kiryu, "fresh start" doesn't mean "on trend". His image might be out of step with how other yakuza view themselves, or want to be seen, but if he's always going to look like a yakuza, he might as well stake his claim on what being a yakuza means. Still, it's telling that, even as a young man, Kiryu looks like a throwback to an earlier era. As the series progresses, the games hammer this home more and more. How many antagonists tell Kiryu that he's out of touch with the modern world, that he represents a version of the yakuza that no longer exists, that it's time for him to make way for the next generation?

"Wear it the rest of your life!" is a funny little in-joke, yeah, but...it's a little sad when you think about it, isn't it? Kiryu gets new outfits from Y3 on -- and in every game, he ultimately puts the suit back on and heads to Kamurocho. It's exactly of a piece with how Kiryu views being yakuza. We, and he, can debate the exact extent of his retirement from the Tojo Clan's affairs, but the yakuza isn't a career for Kiryu, it's a set of beliefs he carries with him. He wears the suit the same way he wears the dragon on his back: as an indelible part of his self-image.

[heartbeatbookclub]

I think it's sorta weird how the Protagonist (MC, Y/N, Stinky, whatever you wanna call him) is treated within the context of DDLC's meta.

That sentence came out weird. What I mean is that on terms of DDLC playing with the 4th wall (in other words, on terms of its actual existence as a visual novel in universe), the nature of the Protagonist's...well, entire existence, is up in the air.

Dan Salvato literally stated that he doesn't actually see him as a character in the same way as the girls. He's a "blank slate that says whatever is convenient." In a different statement, he's described as the "nameless, faceless self-insert character that you find so commonly in romance games", which I think is a good way of putting it. It's a good way of justifying why he kinda...sucks, because he's meant to be a typical VN protagonist. He's shallow, and responds with little more than what makes sense in context, because he doesn't have much character on his own, which is what makes him pretty bad at dealing with delicate issues like with Sayori.

In DDLC+ (spoilers, I guess?), it's a little bit vague about it, but in one of the mails, it states that Monika has literally "manufactured" a new character to "force interaction between her and the user". This character is heavily implied to be the Protagonist of the main DDLC visual novel that we know, and he is, as stated, noticeably absent from the Side Stories, because Monika didn't actively create him to be there.

Except...he isn't.

He doesn't physically appear, but in Trust, though he's obviously not mentioned by name, it's implied that he does exist, because when asked to act like a "normal person" responding to the Literature Club, she imitates a friend of hers who says "Literature is stuuupid. I'm joining the Anime Club."

...Remind you of a certain someone?

I feel like I'm overexplaining this, but my point is, it suggests that the Protagonist as a character isn't just something Monika invented out of thin air, or at least he's heavily implied not to be.

I think there's a larger conversation on the vague way the game itself treats the world outside of what is defined within the limited scope of Doki Doki Literature Club. Fans have filled gaps of different characters and events, but it's important to acknowledge that they're gaps filled by fanon, not canon. I think those gaps are left very intentionally empty, mostly to play into the conceit of the world, being that literally nothing actually exists outside of its boundaries, because it's a visual novel. It's a limited, constricted reality, where things are implied to exist outside it, but they actually don't.

In other words, Monika did apparently generate all that makes up the Protagonist as a character and vehicle for the player in the main game, based off the limited concept implied by their interaction in the Side Story. Or, rather, probably by something else, since the side stories are inherently a "Control Simulation" where Monika doesn't have any sense of meta awareness. It's a prequel set before the main story, but...well, if you really think about it, it's implied to tie into the main story, but they don't directly link up, do they? If it's not explicitly shown on screen in the main line Doki Doki Literature Club, did it even happen?

Either way, the Protagonist is a character independent of Monika's creation, he's just given absolutely nothing, and technically doesn't even exist outside of what's implied of him. Technically, the character Monika creates as a vehicle for the Player has no real relation to him, outside of being Sayori's friend and wanting to join the Anime Club. Or, depending on your view, he does! Since he's the literal manifestation of that character concept where it didn't exist previously, it's fair to say that he is that character given life!

I don't know, I think it's just kinda fascinating in context. I don't really like a lot of the extra lore surrounding the whole thing in +, but there are plenty of interesting things like this which have been given just enough flavor to be interesting.

Obviously I don't think this means the Protagonist is a complete non-character and any & all fan interpretations of him should be defenestrated (quite the opposite actually, reality can be whatever you want, I have a few concepts with him floating around my head which I find fun to play with), but I think this sort of thing is probably important to keep in mind on terms of actual investigations of canon.

[chemblrish]

hii how are you? I'm currently studying inorganic chem, mainly coordination compounds but it's proving difficult. I'm unable to fully grasp what's going on. Can you please advise me on coordination compounds and inorganic chem in general? thank you!!

Hi!

Inorganic coordination chem is part of my thesis, you've come to the right place :) Also, I'm going to make this a university-level thing - I didn't study coordination chem in school, so I'm assuming that's the level you expect - but if you actually need advice on studying high school inorganic chem, please let me know!

First, a textbook rec: I studied off Cotton's Basic inorganic chemistry a lot and I liked it. My professor recommended Atkins' Inorganic chemistry too; I admit I didn't use it that much bc I also had some Polish textbooks I found very helpful, but from what I did see, it seemed very comprehensive and in-depth - so if Cotton isn't enough, Atkins might be better for you.

Inorganic chem

orbitals matter: I think it's important to grasp orbitals and hybridization before going any further. This stuff keeps coming up again and again, so if you find yourself struggling with understanding concepts in inorganic chem, I'd suggest making sure you understand atomic and molecular orbitals first.

periodic table trends: please don't memorize them. Please. Understand them. There's a reason why, for example, atomic radii decrease within periods even though both electrons and protons are added as you move to the right (the screening effect - and again, orbitals!). Once more, I liked the way it was explained in Cotton's textbook.

I found flashcards very helpful for studying the properties of the elements and their compounds as that's mostly memorization. Same for HSAB, really.

if your inorganic chem course covers elements of group theory too, here is a website my thesis supervisor told me about :) I think it's pretty great. If you're digging really, really deep into it, Cotton has a whole textbook on group theory in chemistry (Chemical Applications of Group Theory), but I doubt you'd need it for a basic inorganic chem course.

I've also answered an ask on studying chemistry in general - perhaps you'll find it useful too.

Coordination chem

surprise, surprise: ✨ orbitals ✨. Once more, to understand what's going on with coordination compounds, first you need to understand the molecular orbital theory well.

metals oftentimes have a preference for a specific coordination number. Frequently, a whole group will have a preference for the same CN (group 7 ions, for example, prefer CN = 6). That doesn't mean other CNs don't exist, but knowing there's a pattern can be helpful while studying.

coordination numbers aren't totally random. The rules may not be strict and foolproof, but again, there's a general pattern that's worth keeping in mind: bigger ion usually = higher CN (duh?), CNs are usually even (and we still don't really know why that's so! Although it may have to do with geometry and symmetry) and sometimes depend on the charge of the ligand.

crystal field theory. Okay so CFT is really cool, but I see how it can be super confusing too. I'm not sure how deep you have to dig into this stuff for your course, so apologies if I go a little overboard 😅 My advise for studying it would be:

try to visualize the given complex, actually see the position of the ligands in relation to the orbitals

remember: it's all about lowering the energy. That's the core of CFT. Pauli's exclusion principle always, always stands, but CFT tells us coordination compounds are systems that "want to" have the lowest possible energy so bad they'll sometimes break Hund's rule to obtain it

keep in mind CFT is only a model. Some parts of it may not make any sense to you (like the fact it treats all metal - ligand bonds as purely ionic). It just so happens that despite its many simplifications that are obviously not true, CFT still accurately describes many complex compounds

I've had an ask on studying nomenclature, too.

again, I don't know how complex (pun not intended) you need my tips to get, so if you have any specific questions, feel free to hmu :) I'll try my best to explain

[lilywily143]

I'm gonna give you guys just a few of the ideas for ALL the voices before I draw them. Because I wanna share so muchhhhh I'm so excited working on all this!

Both spoilers and just long

Hero: Superhero appearance with wings shaped like a cape, even if he's most "human" Though I can make an argument being a superhero to help people is the most human out of the voices.

Broken: hhhh he's my comfort guy. I do have a lot of doodles of him with plucked feathers. [and I don't just mean bald spots, the stems are still in the body] But I wanna add more... diving offering based things for his...opinions on the Tower Princess

Cheated: Oh he needs a X on his chest as a general princess parallel for her being cheated from life too. Also cuts from the Razer princess. Past that, not sure.

Cold: I abandoned the idea of making him look like he was made of icicles, to be wrapped in his wings "But he's a voice numb to the cold, he is the cold itself, why would he be getting himself warm with his wings-?" Because I like that he is cozy within himself. ah? that cool? No? don't care, i'm commited

Contrarian: God I wanna do more past the jester idea and something with his Stranger route arc BUT UGH IDEA MAKING IS HARD. I have a draft of him like a jester for now...

Hunted: I'm gonna reuse the ripped off feathers idea for him. My chickens fight for domanice sometimes so I have a good reference for the appearance. probably bite marks on his wrists and an additional claw. not like a new hand, it's like this thing

Opportunist: EEEHEHEH it's hard to describe without devolving but it's.... a illusion to a Devil pretending to be a Angel thing in visuals, but in representation he isn't a devil just mischievous.I also added the fun ribbons from the Princess and the Dragon chapter.

Paraniod: Heart. Lungs. Liver. Nerves. Oh come on how could I not add them??? also just ruffles up feather coat and wings. he's gonna get a REALISTIC heart design on his chest btw, not a cartoon one [unlike another voice~]

Skeptic: little hard to figure out i'm still thinking about him maybe detective since he doesn't know what's true and wants to find the truth?

Stubborn: KNIGHT. He is a knight. Warrior!!! the willpower to fucking come back to live is badass. I might make a colored drawing JUST FOR HI because I would love him to have some orange for a Phenoix vibe

SMITTEN: MY BELOVED VOICE. HE'S MY FAV Cupid. He's a Cupid and no one can convince me otherwise. Cute cartoon heart imagery, dainty angel [like cartoon cupids] wings, a nice gown. It suits him

i wanna also say. I am not dressing up the voices, I thought feather shaping language would be fun. Though I didn't have that as a "hard rule to follow". Smitten was the first I drew and he's gonna keep the gown

Also part of me REALLY wants to do "evolved forms" of the voices because of the paths they have a huge role in. Like I saw @beartitled with a Goth Smitten form from the Happily Ever After Chapter because of the HUGE role he had and how much of a evil voice he was. [loved your art btw if you see this, it's inspiring to see :D]

Btw I love the Smitten even more because of that route. Not because I like his actions as the epitomy of "Amatonornativity Standards in the World" but because it shows how much more depth he has and also how too much of this one voice/feeling can be super bad. Like it's such a interesting arc on his end alone and the entire chapter is amazing but now i'm rambling.

[dr-futbol-blog]

Before I Sleep, Pt. 7

Weir approaches her older self to ask her about the time machine, and Sheppard steps to the side to look at Old Weir through the monitor in stark contrast to how, when McKay approached her earlier, Sheppard stepped forward in tandem and in unison with him.

Notice also how, even when Sheppard is behind Weir and looking at Old Weir over her shoulder, they are placed at the extreme opposite sides of the frame to emphasize the distance, their heads tilting away from one another where Sheppard and McKay's heads were tilted toward each other (Sheppard is also out of focus behind Weir even though he is the one speaking, also underlining the distance between them).

Here, we are not shown how close McKay is standing to Sheppard, it's left to the imagination. But it does not appear as though he has moved that much from his previous position. We see Sheppard at the very left of the frame from which we cut directly to McKay looking at him with what can only be described as an attempt at discerning what Sheppard is thinking right then. He is clearly trying to gauge the meaning behind Sheppard's words, the reason he's suddenly interested and asking the question. It's not the question as such that interests him (elsewhy he would be looking at her for the answer) but why Sheppard is asking it in the first place. This is the first time Sheppard engages the older woman:

Old Weir: The next thing I knew, I woke up here. Sheppard: You mean now? Old Weir: No. Then.

Point is, how ever intimate you interpret Sheppard and Weir to be at any point in this episode, we are shown that Sheppard and McKay are closer. In every sense of the word, they are closer, more intimate. They make it a point to both visually show and textually tell us this. They literally inserted McKay between them.

Old Weir tells them how the time machine in which she, Sheppard, and Zelenka jaunted into the past had crashed into the planet, and how she had been the only one the Ancients had fished out of the wreckage on the ocean floor, meaning that this other Sheppard had died 10,000 years in the past. Given Sheppard's jab at his death earlier, the motivation for which McKay probably didn't get, he just has to comment on that, going so far as to interrupt the 10,000 year old woman:

McKay: Ha! Ah, the bitter taste of ultimate failure, hm? Sheppard: Well, if you'd just figured out how to fix the damn shield in the first place, none of us would have died. McKay: I did everything I could, including valiantly attempting to save your sorry--

Ass. It was Sheppard's ass McKay had at the tip of his tongue.

And they are full-on role-playing with their alternate world characters, here. I'll draw your attention to the fact that Sheppard isn't only or even primarily upset about himself dying. He points out that none of them would have died, very much including McKay himself. It seems like McKay identified with his alternative counterpart much more than Sheppard does, and letting other people die on his watch is a lot more upsetting to him than some alternate dimension counterpart of himself getting killed doing something he was supposed to be doing anyway.

But as much as he knew just what button to push with McKay earlier, McKay also instinctively lands on his soft underbelly: being unable to save the people he cares about (regardless of what they are to each other at this time, McKay just doesn't realize that this very much includes himself, and that this man next to him cares about him a whole lot more than the other Sheppard cared about any of the people who died with the other Atlantis). He doesn't even do it on purpose, as McKay is basically just figuring out that turnabout is fair play and returning Sheppard's earlier sentiment. Just like in the hallway in front of Chaya's quarters in the previous episode, it's not McKay's intention or fault that he hits a nerve, there are things that he (and we, as the audience) don't know about John Sheppard yet, and he wants to keep it that way. All we know is that his black mark in Afghanistan had something to do with a failed attempt at saving people.

For the second time in this episode, Weir calls them 'gentlemen', referring to them as a unit, and begs them to focus on this very important thing that they are all meant to be doing. The frail old woman is telling them things that might be extremely significant down the line, after all.

The thing is, they were focusing. On each other. Entirely, one hundred percent on each other. Again, you can attribute this to "the game," if you wish. They are very competitive. They certainly are bickering... "or something," here. And Sheppard very much was preparing to get right up in McKay's grill about it. He throws out his shoulder, turning himself toward McKay.

Had Weir, who is clearly 100% done with their shenanigans, not put a pause to it, reminded them that there were, in fact, other people present, we might have learned where Sheppard got the idea that making out was the best way to "get it over with" with McKay, like he suggested to Zelenka in First Strike (S03E20)--and it's very much not a coincidence that they have that exchange when the city is submerged on the ocean floor where, here, we are told that Sheppard and Zelenka's bodies are buried on the ocean floor. It rhymes. It's a call-back.

Being scolded by the younger Weir in front of the old, Sheppard once more takes on the demeanor of an innocent school boy, releasing the defensive set of his crossed arms (and make note of the fact that his crossed arms are not directed at McKay, they are a barrier between him and Old Weir, him and the idea of creeping death) and clasping his hands behind his back... against the self-same ass just almost mentioned, as it were. The word was never spoken but the thought seems to have occurred to them both. Not the time, not the place. Where Sheppard changes his demeanor, McKay is frozen in place, his hand actually staying up right where it was, as though meaning to grab a hold of something. He looks at Sheppard, more interested by his reaction than the titillating story he just interrupted. He was fully prepared to continue with what ever was happening between the two of them here.

However you read this scene, fact is that it only takes one small comment from McKay to draw them both into a world of their own, to make each other the focal point and centre of the other's attention, like every moment they're merely looking for an excuse to shut off and tune out everything and everyone else. The ease with which it happens, how natural it is. And until Weir snaps them out of it, they don't even realize it's happening.

There's probably a reason the show has spent the several past episodes, most of the season, in fact, figuring out different ways in which they can keep the two of them separated, to keep them somehow, some way at a distance, on the intercom, unable to get to one another. Because as soon as they are in the same physical space, they are in proximity, they are drawn together, inevitably, like the light of a dying star approaching the event horizon as it is consumed. They have to come up with actual ways to keep them apart because their natural inclination is to come together like they are both one half of something naturally looking to be whole.

Old Weir tells them more about what happened to her in the past, meeting Janus and the Ancients, including the Atlantean council. Sheppard has a peculiar reaction to hearing about Janus being the one that had built the time machine:

Might be he's curious about someone who must have been the McKay of the Ancients.

It is interesting that the Ancients that Weir met in the past are very similar to the Replicators we later meet who, apparently, are very accurate copies of them. And still Sheppard was able to sense that they weren't real. He also looks as uncomfortable as ever when older Weir mentions the Wraith.

That is a guilt that's never going to go away. To his credit, McKay actually attempts (as he has done in the past) to ease Sheppard's burden by taking some of the blame, emphasizing the fact that they're in this together.

Old Weir: They told me of beings called Wraiths -- a vicious, formidable enemy whose power and technology rivalled their own. McKay: Yes. Actually, we've already--

However, Weir silences him with a look because it's more important right now to hear what she has to say. Being very weak, she passes out once more in the middle of her story only to wake up to this sight of Beckett explaining to them her condition (and McKay looks away for a while as he's listening to the explanation of her deteriorating physical condition, confirming again that he has watched someone die up close from a slowly progressing disease; also emphasizing the fact that Sheppard and McKay have to look away from the other when they don't want them reading something off of the other's face):

This other Weir knew her own Sheppard and McKay briefly 10,000 years ago and now has been watching these two for a few hours while falling asleep several times, and she still seems to have noticed that there's something going on between them. The audience is watching their backs from her perspective on the bed.

Here, again, they are angled toward each other, Sheppard with hands on hips and jutting out his... masculine display--and not for Beckett's benefit-- while McKay is again trying to read his thoughts from his expression. We (along with Old Weir) are looking at and listening to Beckett through the pair them. How close are they, I hear you ask?

Uh.

And again, they have to go around Beckett to get closer to her bed and Sheppard chooses to veer around him by stepping closer to McKay. We also now see Beckett standing behind Weir, and he's standing closer to her than Sheppard did previously. Whereas, now that he's standing behind McKay...

Compared to the earlier scene with Weir, they are both standing closer to each other and do not have their hands crossed as barriers between them. By their positioning, we are very much asked to contrast these things.

Also, younger Weir seems to catch on to the fact that her other self had clearly been vibing with Janus. There was a definite connection between the two and briefly as they knew each other, we see Weir kiss him on the cheek. And not only that, but she actually brings up Simon, Weir's lover back home, a while later.

The two Weirs get to have a moment to themselves as the next time she wakes up, it's McKay and Sheppard that have fallen asleep:

I refer you to my earlier entry about the Atlantean beds. McKay is able to sleep at a very narrow space, and Sheppard seems to need even less space as, as a soldier, he has trained himself to be able to catch some "Zs" wherever and whenever possible. We pan from McKay sleeping to Sheppard sleeping, the two of them sleeping together. and even in their goddamn sleep they are mirroring each other. "See anything better than our current quarters?" McKay asked Sheppard at the start of the episode. "It's not that big" Sheppard told him later. If they weren't talking about a more comfortable place to sleep in, they clearly should have. And, as we learn later (Broken Ties, S05E03) , McKay's quarters has a bath tub or an Ancient equivalent of a jacuzzi so it follows that they did find "something better than our current quarters" after (or during) this episode.

Notice also how, when Weir wakes Sheppard up, McKay is instantly roused like they're domino pieces and she knocked just the first one over but the other one fell from the same impact through contact.

McKay finds the paper with the gate addresses in his pocket and he immediately hands it over to Sheppard like it's a thing they need to be looking at together, and the two of them start excitedly working on puzzling it out as the older Weir passes away. Very sad, all around.

Next, we find Weir on the same balcony as we did at the start of the episode. The older Weir died on her birthday, so if she was having an existential moment in the beginning, now that she's scattering her own ashes into the ocean, her thoughts weigh even more heavily on her. And like she was in the beginning, she's joined by Sheppard.

This time, he's there to fetch her to the mission briefing, as they're all apparently revving up to go fetch some of the ZPMs that are supposed to be at the end of the rainbow road marked by the five gate addresses procured by the older Weir. She's not quite as excited as the others seem to be, or at least she's not there yet. As he turns to leave, Sheppard's eyes drop to the Athosian vase he gave Weir in the beginning of the episode which she has now turned into an urn.

Sheppard scratches his head as he leaves her, and this is probably a call-back to his earlier "I can't imagine how you must be feeling". He can sympathize, he can tell that this must be having a profound effect on her. But he can't read her thoughts from her face, and she actually has to spell it out for him that she's going to need a minute, here.

Yes, they care about each other, but everything in this episode is designed to lead us to the conclusion that even someone who's half-blind only has to see these two men around each other for a couple of moments to come to the conclusion that there is something going on between them, that there's some special bond they share. What ever the nature of that bond may be is up for anyone's interpretation. But, like. We see character after character come to the same exact conclusion about them.

It's deeper than words, my friend. Deeper than words.

[veintrry]

TAINT THIS PAPER WITH LOVE

writer!kunikuzushi x gn!reader, fluff, romance, love letter, nervous kuni bcs feelings.

part one (wink wink)

an: RAHHHHHHHH

Writing was something that had come so easily to Kuni, till he had to write a letter that would appeal to you. When did this pen feel so awkward in-between his fingers? And just when did these string of words he wrote sound so foreign to him... Love isn't easy to express.

Kunikuzushi doesn't think he has ever felt so uncomfortable at his desk, staring at a blank paper, blinking in hopes it would write itself with heart melting words that would make you grin. Yet, that never happens.

He lets out an exasperated sigh. This was far worse than some writers block. The words- Well, the feelings were so easy to sense, but to put them down on paper? It seemed like an impossible task. Folding over, he groans into his hand as his elbow stays rested on the dark wood of the desk, it's polish still refined.

Why did he have to give himself such a short time period too? A day, just a day. No, not even 24 hours, way less. He picks up the pen again, his thumb on the top as he repeatedly pushes it down letting the sound fill the room as he thinks. Just let your mind wander...

And it does. Like it always does, his thoughts trail back to you. Not actual words or things that may describe you but visual images of you or at least the vague image of you. He didn't care before but much to his dislike his ability to visualise things isn't as potent as he'd like. Yet, he still can see fragments, the lines of your smile, the depth of your eyes and the way you move. There were smaller details he took note of, the shape of your ear, the style of your hair and the state of your nails.

He wishes he could just translate this onto paper.

There was a gentleness he felt with you when he wasn't freaking out about these emotions. There was a calm that he absorbs but he fears at the same time, worrying there was a storm arriving and he'd be the cause of it. But, asking you to come again tomorrow, that was a ray of light from the gloomy clouds, it sprouted hope. Maybe. Just maybe. There is no storm.

He lets his head fall back, staring at the ceiling pointlessly before sighing. He's being doing that a lot lately.

...Technically, this wouldn't be his first time addressing a letter towards you, though the past times he's done it he was unaware of the fact you'd be receiving it. Maybe, he could try to do the same? Just harbour the same emotions, Kuni. Don't think, just write.

If you were in front of me, what would I want to say?

_

Familiar bells jingle, declaring the entrance of someone new and each time he hears the sound his eyes shoot up. He can't tell if he's anticipating your arrival in excitement or fear. Whichever one it is, he knows that one thing for sure is that he feels nervous. Insanely so, that he barely can keep himself occupied writing others letters.

He thought actually finishing the letter was bad, but waiting to give it to you is even worse. So. Much. Worse.

He's beginning to think his chest is going to explode from the anxiety. Though, there is some joy to it, as if he is looking forward to your expression.

Biting his bottom lip, he rests his chin on the palm of his hand, almost daydreaming about it. Surely, your reaction will be positive? Your past letters were from him on purpose so you'll like this. What if it's a lukewarm reception? What if he doesn't make you understand how he feels and the words he had repeated a multitude of times and the phrases he's crafted a thousand times don't work? There's a million thoughts in his minds and none of them are reassuring. He can feel his stomach being stirred like a cauldron of the worse concoctions and it's making him sick.

Till the bell rings.

Would you think it's weird if he ever told you that he began to recognise your footsteps? He'll keep that to himself. A hand is placed gently on the envelope holding his feelings, though the fingers that wrap around the folds are almost possessive, unsure if they should allow this letter to be given away. Unsure if he should offer his emotions just to get shot down. Yeah, maybe this is a bad idea and he should just-

Two knocks resound from beside him, he turns to you, your hand above his desk as your finger taps the wood.

"I'm here."

You're smiling.

Curse this world.

"You took your time." My tone comes out dry, almost scolding in a way. You give me a sheepish smile. "I didn't want to seem too eager." So in turn he was the one made to do so when he had been waiting for you impatiently.

He simply gives you a hum of acknowledgment, then sits there for a while. You don't move, awaiting to be given your letter but he doesn't seem to budge. A hesitant voice comes out, "Uhm, Kuni?" Archons, how he cherished the sound of his name rolling off your tongue. Indigo eyes spare you a glance, encouraging you to continue. "The letter...?" Would it be stupid to say he hoped you forgot.

"The letter. Right, right..."

Despite his words he seems to hesitate before finally letting out a deep breath as his hand reaches to the storage below the desk and pulls out a perfectly folded envelope. He turns his head away, just slightly, handing it to you wordlessly and without a glance spared towards you.

On the other hand, you were left admiring the envelope. It was nothing special, yet the contents of it were.

You take it excitedly, the pads of your thumb and index rppessed against the smooth texture of it. Your hand moves and your fingers begin to open it. This catches his attention. He quickly turns to you with an expression of disbelief and a hint of redness on his ears. "You're going to open it here?! At least open it outside of the store..."

You tilt your head slightly, "Why?" You continue speaking, conveying your reason, "It's better if I do it in front of you, right? That way you can get my honest reaction." The tone you speak in is somewhat teasing as though to say that this is a way of seeing just how well he did.

He opens his mouth, attempting to rebuttal, though all that comes out are incoherent noises, earning a chuckle from you. A defeated sigh leaves his mouth and he turns away once more, his other hand waving you off as in to quickly open it already and you oblige with ease.

The next few minutes are silent. Sure, there was the slight rustling of papers when the wind of the turning fan met them and the sounds of breathing, but it almost blended into the background as you read his letter...

"Dear moron,

I love you.

I wanted to get that out of the way, just to make this clear. Writing this or at least, trying to, has been a hindrance. I keep trying to form words I think you'd like. I keep trying to make this appealing to you, but just what do you like? I know you have a rather odd way of thinking, I know your taste in books and I know that you're dense. Immensely so. Maybe I am too. I also know you like me. If I'm right, which I don't doubt I am considering your little trick with those letters... I'm free after this.

Yours truly,

Kuni. (ps. turn the paper around, loser.)"

And you do so, you do just that and turn the letter around to where you find more writing, this time lengthier and clearly written with a different intent. Your words glaze over each word, intaking the tone and you swear you can almost hear it. You peek over the letter gazing at the violet-haired man but hiss face is turned away yet, the corner of your lips quirk up seeing the red of his ears.

It feels like you're taking a century to read what he wrote, he had stolen a few glances but the moment you turn the letter he fully committed to averting his gaze, a hand to his mouth as he muttered curses, his mind flooded with what the hell you could be thinking right now.

Two knocks sound out, you've tapped his desk again. As he is about to turn around there's a warm blow of air at his ears and he feels his ears rumble at just the proximity of your breath. "You're really forward." He couldn't tell if you were being sarcastic or not but that was the last thing on his mind as he finally faces you, seeing so close to him. He doesn't think you've ever worn such an expression before. If anyone else was looking they'd think you were up to no good and he'd have to agree, though, he can tell there's some glee in your eyes. "I could say the same for you... Then, is that a yes?"

"No." He swears he feels his heart sink.

"It's a definite yes."

Kuni begins to regret ever giving you that letter, "You jest too much." You let out a sound of agreement, "Yeah, but you don't seem to dislike it." Taunting. How fitting of you.

Though, he can't help but focus on the fact that you actually agreed to this... especially when you're donning such a prideful appearance too. Even if you're teasing him more than you ought to, he doesn't mind, in fact, he thinks he likes it. It just means he's closer to you now. "I don't. It means you really like me. Don't you?" There's a moments hesitation from you as you observe the change on his demeanour, a playful smirk on his lips as his eyes glimmer with a certain amusement. Earning a gentle nod from you, you reaffirm his words.

"I do."

back contents of the letter;

"Sometimes I believe you're killing me just by merely being around me. It feels as though you're making me go through torture each time you let me catch a glimpse of you. I begin to think that you must be driving me insane because there's no other way I can explain this. But, you're divine. To me, you are everything and more. I don't think I could ever put into words the way I honour you, that smile of yours, your voice that puts my thoughts to a halt and has me anticipating the next time I'll get to hear you.

I wish I was closer to you, as close as I can be. I wish to express my love easier, to tell you it how it is without worrying about you'll take it. Tell me, is the only way to explain how I feel sappy words and deep analogies? You like me, right. You have letters from me. But they're different from this. This is truly from me. My words aren't sophisticated or smart, they don't pierce your heart at my ability to deduce what you want to hear. This is a mess, uncollected and disorganised. Yet, I don't want to sell you a fantasy. My love for you is a frenzy, much like the one you set my heart on, so I won't pretend to be tame. I want you, I love you. That's how it is, and I intend to devote myself to proving that to you it I must, because when I tell you that I like you it's not just an overused phrase but the closest way I can tell you how I feel even if it only shows an inkling of it.

Maybe I'm not right for you. But I want to be."

[loonarii]

Ari's K-Pop Roundup: June 2024 (LISA, Red Velvet, NAYEON, NewJeans, KATSEYE, CHUU + MORE)

Hope everyone had a nice pride month - I unfortunately was chained to my textbooks for the brunt of it and didn't do anything pride related, but I did see Taylor Swift, so I guess it wasn't all bad. This is the 5th installment of this series - genuinely didn't think I would make it this far - you can check out last month's roundup here, or see my full masterlist here. Enjoy :)

ROCKSTAR - LISA (BLACKPINK)

It's very rare that we see a kpop idol's pure, unadulterated vision for the music they release due to the manufactured, consumerist nature of the industry, but here we have Lisa, arguably the most popular female kpop idol of all time (at least internationally) free from the company that is widely known for formulaic, repetitive music. Will she stick with the brand YG has created for her and reinforce the box Teddy has placed her in sonically, or will she forge her own way?

Right from the teasers, I knew we were in for something a little different. Although conceptually the chrome, futuristic vibe is nothing new in kpop, seeing Lisa without those god forsaken white washing filters was very exciting. And the fact that k-netizens are taking to it very well?? Lisa is here to rock the boat. 'Rockstar' is only a single with no mini album, but hey, it's Lisa, meaning she doesn't need to boost the length of her releases to snatch those extra sales, she do well commercially regardless. Usually a single album would annoy me, but BLACKPINK are back to releasing music, so today I will let it slide.

With a Kendrick Lamar 'Humble' visual reference in the music video, a Tame Impala sample, and a sneaky little writing credit, Lisa clearly wants to reshape her framing in the industry - with 'Rockstar' she's rejecting the somewhat diminishing 'idol rapper' status, and seeking that 'rapper rapper' reputation. She wants to sit at the table with Doja Cat and Megan Thee Stallion, and 'Rockstar', in my opinion, does a decent job at securing her seat.

You can't reference Kendrick and not put in a double entendre in your lyrics, and Lisa (and her fellow writers) delivered in that category with quite a lot of success actually. In the line 'been MIA, BKK so pretty, Every city I go to is my city' 'MIA' is used to mean either 'missing in action', referencing how absent Blackpink has been from the music industry thanks to YG's interesting management choices, or as a reference to the Miami IATA airport code just as BKK means Bangkok, Thailand - in this context its an allusion to Lisa's multilingualism and her international influence as a member of Blackpink. It's a really good line, is what I'm trying to say.

Most of the issues I have with 'Rockstar' stem from the songs length. With the base track clocking in at 2 minutes 18 seconds (oh my god what have we come to), the song feels like it's just begun when it's all over. Excluding the choruses, hooks, and pre-choruses, and pasting what remains together, we are left with one singular, honestly quite short verse. Yeah it's a pretty good verse, both in flow and lyrical content, but one verse in what is clearly trying to be a rap song is unacceptable.

'Rockstar' is frustrating to me because while it has its genuinely great moments, like when 'lala' is used in reference to singing and to Lisa's real name when bounced onto the next line, a lot of that greatness gets eclipsed by the track's shortcomings (pun somewhat intended). However, although she's done solo work before in YG this is undoubtedly something of a debut, and through that lens, while it is flawed, the track shows potential. 'Rockstar' knows exactly what kind of song it wants to be, and even though it doesn't quite measure up, it's still a step in the right direction. I'm very excited to see what Lisa does next with her career. At the very least, 'Rockstar' was fun, for sure.

Cosmic - Red Velvet (Cosmic)

When I write these reviews, I try to describe the feelings and emotions and energies the song in question evokes, and I have found that when I struggle, the song is good - and I mean exceptionally good. 'Cosmic' is one such track - I fucking love every part of it - it's so addictive to the ninth degree, from that gorgeous music video to the low and slow verses to that utterly euphoric chorus. From Joy's slightly psychotic edge to her lines that she perfected in the 'Peekaboo' era, to Seulgi's vocals in the hook, and Wendy's high note pulling us into that final chorus; everything about 'Cosmic' WORKS. Lines like 'I'm riding on your rhythm through the solar system' and 'love is cosmic' work both in their catchiness and emotiveness. This era is obviously inspired heavily by the 2019's 'Midsommar', a visual feast of a horror film about a disturbing Scandinavian cult, and let me tell you, if 'Cosmic' is a cult, consider me initiated. Not to spoil my end of 2024 ranking or anything, but as for right now, 'Cosmic' is taking the cake for the best kpop song of the year, no questions asked.

Red Velvet b-sides always hit, and the 'Cosmic' mini album delivers as expected. 'Sunflower' furthers that 'i just took an edible and i found my way onto Spotify' energy, and that hook of 'OOH WOW FEELING SO FUN FUN FEELING SO FUNNY' is hilariously good, this is a standout for sure. The other b-side I want to highlight is 'Night Drive', the album closer. With elements of citypop and 80s synthpop, 'Night Drive' feels like exactly that - a 3am drive around a city you hardly know with people you know better than yourself. It's a celebration of music, and that's putting it lightly.

SM might be working up to shunting Red Velvet into their peripheral vision, what with the new 12 member girl group debuting soon, but 'Cosmic' proves their legend status once and for all. We freaking love you RV, never change. (And I would in fact join a cult if Seulgi was my fearless leader xx)

ABCD - NAYEON (NA)

Look, JYP may be my op until the day I die, but I'm not going to sit here and lie - he knows how to write hits when he wants to, and 'ABCD' is a HIT.

2022's 'POP!' was just that - pure, unadulterated pop music, exactly what was trending in Korea at the time - the image of modern kpop. And don't get me wrong, I loved it, but when it came for Nayeon's first comeback, I was worried she was again going to pull from the current trend cycle, and right now that means airy, Pinkpantheress type beats with a UK garage adjacent vibe - and that's not Nayeon. Her voice is full and powerful and rich in colour and flavour, a song like that just wouldn't work for her. I was nervous, for sure, but when the teaser dropped, I knew it was going to be good. In 'ABCD' Nayeon is rejecting the trend cycle almost entirely - it still flaunts that 00s vibe unabashedly, but here we are pulling from a trumpet fueled 'Crazy In Love' Beyoncé energy, and oh boy does it work. The lyricism in this song goes crazy, that chorus is masterfully written and unbelievably catchy, and that post chorus build up is INSANE. Nayeon's range is on full display here, and she sounds incredible.

The rest of the mini album is pretty amazing too. 'Butterflies' has some super interesting vocal layering, and many great moments like 'a little mental picture, every time I'm with ya' - and although it's pretty clear this was supposed to be a TWICE track once upon a time, with Nayeon even appearing to imitate the members' styles of delivery (it's like I can hear Jihyo, Jeongyeon, and Chaeyoung on this track clear as day) it's still an easy hit that I can't help but love. 'Heaven' doesn't quite work for me, it's not unlistenable, but the feeling that it has simultaneously too much and not enough energy perserveres, unfortunately. 'Magic', the song that my girl Julie features on is pop perfection, and these girls work so well together - Julie's interjections are so catchy and her parts steal the show entirely. 'Magic' is a bonafide hit. 'HalliGalli' is very AKMU (as to be expected), but I can't help but feel like it's a little immature, both for Nayeon and this album. It has some fun elements, but the complete track just isn't it for me. 'Something' is a fun pop song, if a little dull at moments, but that post chorus is a stunner. 'Count It' brings down the tempo of the album a little, in a groovy track with some beautiful vocal production - it's exactly the punch up the tracklist needed after the weaker couple of tracks that precede it.

Nayeon is my blog namesake, and she has done me proud on this album. Yes, some tracks were on the weaker side, but the overall product is strong, with Nayeon's oustanding performance on every track, and a killer title song in 'ABCD'. In terms of other TWICE members getting solos, I would love to see how Sana approached a song on her own, or even Tzuyu, who despite being the maknae and visual, tends to get lost in the sauce of a lot of TWICE releases. We will have to see, I suppose.

Right Now + Supernatural - NewJeans

God, I sound like a stuck record every time NewJeans drops some new music, but holy hell is it always good. Following their 2nd single album 'How Sweet' earlier this year, the girls are dipping their toes into the Japanese market for the first time with two tracks - 'Supernatural' and 'Right Now'. NewJeans have captured the attention of all of South Korea pretty much, it's now time to look further afield.

'Right Now', drenched in sassy lilting vocal runs, is bedroom pop at it's finest. The up-and-down choral melodies evoke the energy of a 2am gossip debrief at a sleepover with your best friends. The dichotomy of Minji's languid repetition of 'I don't care' with a chorus that speedy and spirited is humorous and perfectly captures what it is to be a teenage girl with a crush. NewJeans know who their audience is, and are making music directly for that.

'Supernatural' came next, embracing that New Jack Swing sound wholeheartedly - its very 'early 00s street dance movie'. It's quite a bit more mature than 'Right Now', the girls decorating those gorgeous synths and groovy instrumentation with a genuine collected confidence. As always, it pushes the boundaries of the y2k trend and thematically pulls from the era itself, not other people's recent interpretations of the era. It's experimental for NewJeans I think, which works for a debut, and while it takes a lot of the right risks, and makes a lot of the right choices, the chorus leaves a little something to be desired. The melody and hooks are perfect, I have no issues with them, but the vocal direction needs tweaking. A song like this demands a chant style chorus with all the members in my opinion, and while the vocal layering of the individual members singing attempts that anthemic feel, it comes off as slightly limp-fisted. I'm kind of dramatizing this issue because to be frank, it is rare I find something in a NewJeans track that I can pinpoint as a problem. The song is still of a supremely high caliber, and to be honest, any thinness in the chorus vocals just inspires the listener to fill in the gaps themselves with an impromptu karaoke session.

Lyrically, both 'Right Now' and 'Supernatural' break the kpop-takes-on-the-Japanese-market formula by including not only a blend of Japanese and English lyrics, but some Korean lines too. I find it quite clever, like saying 'this is NewJeans' debut in Japan, but they will always be a korean pop group first and foremost'. While some groups like Girls' Generation and Twice find their discographies split into 2 - kpop and jpop, NewJeans are clearly making an effort to unite both markets under 1 discography.

As a debut, this works. Two tracks united by classic NewJeans production and differentiated by themes and tone. It's really been a rough year for these girls, what with the whole Min Heejin vs HYBE drama and with Hyein's injury leaving her out of promotions for both single albums altogether, but there's a light at the end of this tunnel, and as long as the music stays consistently high quality as it has been, I will have no complaints.

(sidenote: the fact that I wasn't at Bunnies Camp in the Tokyo Dome is a little sick and twisted.)

Debut - KATSEYE

I mean, maybe expectations were unrealistically high since KATSEYE is HYBE's first real stab at the western market, but come on, we all deserved better than this. A half-hearted pop song that fails to innovate in every sense of the word, and they have the audacity to not even make it three minutes. IT'S BARELY EVEN TWO MINUTES. Kpop companies pulling from PinkPantheress constantly is truly a double edged sword, on one hand we get fucking incredible songs like 'LOOP' and 'Super Shy', and then on the other we get every kpop company waking up and deciding that actually it's totally okay to release 2 minute songs and act like it's a completed product. As a British girl, seeing the effects of the recession and the cost of living crisis on the people around me in real time is one thing, but seeing fucking SHRINKFLATION weed its way into pop music as well is like the burning cherry on top of my cesspit sundae.

I genuinely don't know what happened in the production of this song, like they got Ryan Tedder, who has contributed so much great music to this world, and then somehow the end product was so dull and uninspired.

The worst part is these girls are absurdly talented and they are getting served dirt. HYBE - that mini album coming later this year better be good istg. Ok, I'm done ranting.

BUT OH MY GOD TWO MINUTES AND THREE FUCKING SE-

Strawberry Rush - CHUU (Strawberry Rush)

(obligatory note: if you want to stream Chuu's old solo tracks, or any other old loona songs, please stream via the loona podcast or the twelveM account on spotify in accordance with the boycott)

Having the LOONA girls free from that cesspit of a company is one thing, but getting new LOONA music this often is certainly an unprecedented win for me.

Following her re-debut under ATRP in late 2023 with 'Howl', Chuu is back for her first comeback with 'Strawberry Rush'; a mini album drenched in electric pink and cherry red and sunny yellow. Chuu has an innately magnetic quality and Strawberry Rush as a title track takes full advantage of that. It's an utterly adorable song that I genuinely can't imagine anyone not loving. That disco synth thrumming the song's heartbeat is reinforced with a killer baseline, and Chuu's gorgeous vocal colour gives the track even more energy than it already has. The intro and opening are perfect at punching up the mood and setting the scene for the chorus, but it's when Chuu comes in with 'packing that heat, packing that heat, packing that PEW PEW PEW' that the song truly swings into motion and you know that this is going to be a fun one.

The mini album doesn't quite match the energy of it's title track, with it maintaining a more relaxed vibe, but it's enjoyable nonetheless. 'Honeybee' is an acoustic track decorated in summer daisy chains and buttercup bouquets, and it works wonderfully with Chuu's more airy vocals. 'Daydreamer' follows a similar sonic theme to 'Honeybee' but with a more late night nap with the cicadas vibe - Chuu's ability to switch between powerful, call-to-action vocals in 'Strawberry Rush' and featherweight tones in the b-sides is truly commendable. 'Lucid Dream' comes next, a perfect midpoint between 'Strawberry Rush' and 'Daydreamer', heartfelt and addictive. It's a real stand out on the album for sure. 'Chocolate' was released as a single a while back, and I enjoyed it then absolutely, but it makes so much more sense on this album - somehow it just got even more catchy.

Effortlessly adorable, effortlessly catchy, effortlessly perfect - Chuu, you have done it again.

MINI REVIEWS:

Boom Boom Bass - RIIZE: absolutely no notes, im obsessed. I've literally never loved a boy groups music like this before. wow.

Inner Dance - tripleS Glow: tripleS' ability to establish their own sound and musical motifs so early on in their career has served them very well, and 'Inner Dance' shows that clearly. Light and casual and airy, it's the perfect backtrack to your summer break.

Summer Festa - IVE: I usually don't dignify these type of advertisement songs with a review, but this one is actually kind of a bop. A little bit 'Espresso' coded; it's something fun for the summer that inadvertently encourages getting blackout drunk at the hotel bar in Bali. I'm still not drinking Pepsi though. Or Coca Cola for that matter, NewJeans pipe down.

BADVILLAIN - BADVILLAIN: (requested by @a-moth-to-the-light) Although apparently capturing the eyes and ears of seemingly the entire kpop community, this one wasn't hugely to my liking. This might be controversial but my first impression was in fact 'wow this sounds like something babymonster would release' - I can see the appeal but unfortunately these songs just aren't meant for me. I do enjoy the classical influenced production and for the most part the vocal performances were fun too, but with the hook I wish they had bumped up the high note at the end of 'villain' another octave - that's such a nitpick I know but the thought struck me immediately when I heard it. '+82' on the other hand impressed me immensely, such a powerful, call-to-action type song. That background production is a killer, and perhaps I just have Kendrick on the brain from my Lisa review, but the beat feels somewhat along those lines. And holy fuck can these girls dance - wow.

Sabotage - Kwon Eunbi: Can Eunbi release a flop title track? Turns out, once again, no she can't. I love 'Sabotage', it's so hilarious and catchy, and singing along feels like accusing an imaginary boyfriend of gaslighting lol. Woollim giving this song to Eunbi feels a little ironic, considering since she left IZ*ONE, it seems all they've done to her career is sabotage her with poor promotions. The song is fun, and Eunbi sounds excellent as always, with 'Sabotage' boasting many a vocal riff, especially following the bridge. Give this one a listen, and whilst you're there, go check out the rest of my girl's discography, she's truly a hidden gem.

[freebooter4ever]

is the corset comfortable enough to wear everyday? or at least more comfortable than the pooling blood? I'm curious about what will happen after consistent use and then removing it all. the blood pooling happens right away when the compression isn't happening?

it's interesting that it would work similarly to compression tights. I don't really understand how that would work considering how much your torso moves at any given moment while you breathe. at first I was going to say I'd like to read a long paper about it, but realistically I'd prefer a youtube video with visuals. I'm a slave to technology.

It certainly feels comfortable enough to wear it all day so far - though I am starting small and plan on wearing it in the early morning when the brain fog is the worst and in the evenings until I get used to it. What I have on isn't a corset btw, it's shapewear. Which i bought as a test before i invested in a full blown corset.

The interesting thing about POTS is that it is literally different for everyone - there are commonalities but seriously mine is SO different from anyone i've talked to online and that seems to be the 'norm'. My only advice would be to try everything because you don't know what will work and try to make sure every piece of gear you buy is returnable. Once you find something your body tolerates then you buy a bunch of it (i started with 1 compression tights, now i have 4).

I genuinely have no idea scientifically how compression works - I asked my cardiologist and he didn't really explain it to me just kept repeating the type of compression i should wear. I do know that i have been wearing the tights for about two months now and still the minute i take them off the blood starts pooling (and it dont stop pooling). As i gain muscle, as i get rid of the bacteria in my intenstines, this could change. Or i could be dealing with this for the rest of my life. Doctors haven't studied it. Cause it doesnt kill you it only disables you and takes the joy out of your life because it slowly depletes your brain of oxygen and your body cant function like that 🙃. Plus up until covid it mostly affected women, and you know those women - anxiety ridden delicate creatures clearly faking these symptoms for the attention.

Side note: i have learned i get frustrated with friends and strangers who try to talk about 'how brave' and 'resilient' i am and how they 'admire me' for fighting this. I call bullshit lol, this isn't some bravery on my part this is just me fighting to survive. I got lucky in that my body seems to respond to at least some treatments. I've read too many stories of people whose body didnt.

Ironically i did record a video essay last night in 3 parts, but it wasnt about compression, it was me rambling about how with all the evidence i gathered plus the tidbit i learned yesterday im 99.9% certain i met geno in 2012 in a pittsburgh nightclub when i was clueless and he was young and hot in a tight shirt. I might post it later today. I had to do multiple takes on the last video trying to describe exactly how well i vividly remembered the shape of this guy's body (i kept blushing)