#i didn't even realise how little i've read in this area until now

[becausebuckley]

hi! i was wondering if you could share some rival fic recs for buddie? like how when buck first met eddie he saw him as competition but instead of becoming besties it’s sort of dragged out longer.

on another note, all of the fics i’ve read have been from your weekly rec list and i haven’t found one i didn’t enjoy!

i hope you’re having a wonderful day/night🤗

hi anon! i'm so glad you've been enjoying the rec lists <3

i have to admit, rivalry/enemies to lovers etc isn't a genre i read all that often for buddie! i've noticed that those tropes mostly play out in sports aus, which isn't exactly my thing cause i'm just not a sports enjoyer at all lol. i do have a few recs that this ask reminded me of:

don't play games (come my way) by letmetellyouaboutmyfeels/@letmetellyouaboutmyfeels

i was supposed to sweat you out (i think there's been a glitch) by heartbeatdiaz/@lonelychicago

sometimes a curse can lead to a date by coupe_de_foudre

what a wicked thing to do, to make me dream of you by prettyboybuckley/@prettyboybuckley

i hope you find something you like here! if anyone has any other buddie rivals/enemies to lovers/etc fic recs, feel free to add them for anon <3

[1800-lemonadeg1rl]

Craving you

Dark!Wanda Maximoff x reader

Minors dni!! Masterlist°•☆

Summary - you take a job working for Maximoff industries without realising your bosses obsession with you before it's too late.

Warnings - stalking, creepy Wanda, dark Wanda, stalker Wanda, begging, masturbation(pls I can't spell it), humping, finical abuse? Finger sucking, gagging, tears, not proofread, lmk if there's anything else I should add!!

Words- 1.9k

A/n - I've never written anything dark or like this before so even more than usual all feedback is appreciated!!! <333

Wanda Maximoff. Over achieving ruthless ceo with no weakness, we'll that was until you began working for her company. So distracting to her and her cruel attitude with you bright energy and wide smiles, how could she be mean to someone.. someone like you. Your long floral dresses which she noticed always had matching earrings and sweet smelling perfumes which reminded her of the most gorgeous flowers, she made notes to find out the brand of perfume so she could spray it across her house to remind her of you. From the minute you'd walked in on your first day she knew she wanted you, she needed you, she wanted you all to herself but for now she was content letting you continue your job unaware of her lingering gaze on your body as she'd admire every curve and edge while you walked around her office. Unaware of the way your things seemed to go missing and the tiny cameras that began to occupy all angles of your cubicle room.

Your first few weeks she kept a close eye, making sure you were settling into the office and that everyone was being nice to you.. but not too nice of course. She watched through the cttv as you made coffees for the other workers in the break room, what a sweet soul. Wanda took notice of how other coworkers looked at you making sure to move the ones who were getting too bold to another department, its not that she didn't want you to find love it just had to be with the right person, with her. She learnt your interests from eavesdropping and searching your computer after hours.. this wasn't creepy was it? No of course not she brushed off the thought, she just wanted to get to know her employees this was normal. All bosses did that. She since found out your favourite colour; lilac. That you had two pet cats called Marlo and Nixie also that they were your screensaver for your office computer. She also discovered your love for your journal, selfishy she always hoped you'd forget it after work so Wanda could read through every page and discover every little detail about your life.

It only seemed as the weeks went on her obsession seemed to grow. Finding a reason to move your cubicle closer to her office saying there was a leak where your old one was and that you'd be much safer here. The pre mentioned perfume well she found out what it was, gucci flaura. She'd found it whilst rifling through your bag while you were in the bathroom. Your salary wasn't enough to afford perfumes like this so it must of been a gift so she made sure to buy you some in preparation for your next birthday. After this the stalking . More thorough resarch began, she searched up all your social media's, found old jobs, checked extended families Facebook, somehow managed to hack your home Internet after she located your current home, a shared two bed flat in a bad area of town, god when you were her's you'd never have to share such a dingy flat the rest of your life. Back to the Internet she tracked everything you looked up or bought, occasionally deleting searches she didn't approve of. Next she worked on getting into your home's security cameras... just to make sure your safe, this city is dangerous after all.

Wandas little obsession was only growing and was beginning to get a little for lack of  better words.. depraved. Shed stay up late at night watching you change in your apartment touching herself to the gorgeous silhouette of your body. She'd spray the perfume you wore around her room before humping her pillow. She followed you around town from a distance capturing pictures of you to add to her collection. Your sweetness only furthered this, the confused pout on your face when you realised your cardigan had gone missing without a trace, deciding to ask Wanda about it you missed her smug smirk instead just accepting the answer she gave you.

"Maybe you didn't bring it in darling. I mean I know how forgetful you are. Your lucky we keep around such a clutz like you." In return you'd nodded your head and left her office feeling like an idiot for even suggesting someone could have taken it.

Wanda was slowly winning you over, atleast that's what she thought until she saw you getting a little too close to a fellow coworker, Marcus. If only you could've felt her glare through the security camera. For a little bit she decided to let it go assuming Marcus was just being creepy with you ans that moving him to another department would do the trick. That only led her to see you were the one initiating the flirting with Marcus. How could you do this to her, Wanda felt her heart shattering as she threw her mug at the office wall in a fit of pure rage. You were hers. Her property. What could you not understand about that?

You'd left her no decision. She'd make you understand your place even if she had to hurt you, her precious.

You were called into Wandas office one day, unaware of her desire for you, you had assumed nothing of it hoping perhaps got a pay rise. I mean you'd been working tooth and nail recently maybe she was going to prove your work hadn't gone unnoticed. You quietly knocked on her office door and she immediately recognised the way you knocked. How couldn't she? She loved you after all.

"Y/n come sit." She tells you after letting you in. As you enter you pick up on the tension in the air, the dark edge to her voice as she spoke to you. This wasn't going to be good but you couldn't think of what you'd done. You sat back nervously in the chair infront of her desk, fearing what to come. Wanda gazed at you quietly, how cute you looked when scared. The way your eyes widened and you bit your gum, adorable. Maybe she should have done this long ago.

"I'm sure you know why your here-." She starts.

"No.. I don-.."

"Don't interrupt me when I'm speaking." Wanda snaps as she hears your voice making you go quiet and shrink further into your chair wishing you could dissappear.

"Now as I was saying I'm sure you know why your here. For your inappropriate harassment of Marcus." Your jaw dropped at this news, there had to be some confusion you'd never harass anyone. You were about to speak opening your mouth to do so when she held up a hand to shush you. "We have witness statements from other colleagues to back up this statement. Marcus came to us three weeks ago saying you were making unwanted advances on him, so we moved him to another department." She pauses staring at you, judging you at least that's what you saw. You felt like the world was crumbling around you. You'd never do this to anyone this had to be a mix up. Tears threatened to spill from your eyes and Wanda had to hold back a malicious grin, she had you just where she wanted you. "Today he handed in a letter of resignation stating you were becoming unbearable and beginning to scare him." Oh it was laughable the look on your face. Of course Marcus had never really resigned, Wanda had fed him the exact same story and fired him. "So that comes to you y/n. We can't have people scaring off and harassing other employees here." She can barely hold the excitement back anymore.

"So what? I'm fired?" You whispered in response, terrified for the answer you knew was coming. You hadn't done anything wrong but it was clear Wanda had made up her mind about you.

"Exactly."

She looked at you like a predator stalking it's prey.

"But.. but I needed this job.."

"You'll find another." Her voice was stern, unchanging no matter what you said.

"Please.." You managed to muster the singular word out and you swear your saw her face contort into a sick grin.

"Say it again darling."

"Please." There it was an unsettling sickening smile that made you want to squirm back in your chair.

"Hmm.. well when you beg like that." She pauses thinking for a second. "On your knees." She commands in a voice foreign to the one she usually spoke with you in.

You looked up to her hesitant thinking this could be here twisted idea of a joke but the look in her eyes made it clear she wasn't. Slowly you step off the chair and kneel down on the floor. She walks round the table placing your head against her thigh, tilting your head up to make eye contact with her and beginning to wave her hand through your hair. "Beg again. Like you mean it."

You were horrified at this idea and you knew it was wrong but you couldn't help but feel like some of this was right, the soothing feeling you felt with her hand knotted in your hair. "Please Wan-.." A harsh slap was placed against your face as you called her by her first name. Correcting yourself you began again. "Please Mrs Maximoff.." Her touch was soft again now, the hand that just hit you now gently caressing your cheek and wiping tears from it. "..please give me my job back. I really need it to pay my bills and to make ends meet. I need this job, it's the only place I've ever worked that pays me enough to survive. And I know you don't believe me but I never did those things to Marcus.. I dont know why he said that." More tears fall and you open your mouth to continue but she places her slender finger to your lips before you can speak.

"Hmmm.. your very convincing sweetheart." Her finger presses against your mouth demanding access and when you don't allow it another slap hits you forcing your mouth to open allowing her fingers inside. "Sorry about that darling I don't mean to be rough.. you see you've just made me very angry today. Suck." She commands you again and this time you listen not wanting to experience more stinging in your cheek. Slowly and a little reluctantly you suckle on her two fingers. Running your tongue along them. "Good girl." Her other hand massages your hair.

"Now it just wouldn't be appropriate to give you your old job back.. but I can think of a better one. You can work for me or should I say under me." A low laugh escapes her mouth as she looks down at your head lay against her thigh. "You could be my personal assistant. Help me out. Please me. Serve me. Now what do you think of that dorogoy?" Before letting you speak she forces her hand down your throat causing you to gag. She then removes them and licks your drool off them.

"Uhm.." It doesn't take you long to think of an answer. You needed a job and Wanda was being kind enough to offer you one again. "Yes please Mrs. Maximoff."

"That was the correct choice dear." Her finger strokes your jaw line. "You've no idea how long I've been waiting to see you like this. All mine." You want to flinch at her words but all you feel is a fluttery feeling in your stomach.

[readyplayerhobi]

Because, I Love You | 11

; Genre: Fluff, smut

; Word Count: 5.7k

; Warnings: Oral sex (male receiving), unprotected sex, creampie

; Synopsis:  According to society, Jeon Jungkook should not be with you. He should be with a younger, hotter and thinner girl instead of wasting his time on you. It’s a good thing Jungkook doesn’t care what society thinks   then.

; A/N: Can you believe I wrote all this on my phone? If you enjoyed it, let me know what you think by leaving a comment or sending me an ask! Please reblog this so others can see it and follow the story of our favourite couple, and I’d love to read any reviews if people would be so kind!

; Masterlist

-

You're not the biggest fan of airports, especially not the waiting area. It's boring and there are barely any seats, which you always think is dumb because sometimes you have to wait ages before the person you're collecting turns up. And maybe it's because you're grumpy, but you hate standing for long periods.

You've been standing here for twenty minutes now. Sure - that's partly a you problem, as you're the one who turned up early. But sometimes planes landed early, and you didn't want Jungkook to be standing around waiting.

If there's one thing worse than standing in the waiting area, it's standing in the waiting area when you've been travelling for hours in a tin can hurtling through the air a few thousand feet up. You're not too sure what Jungkook is like when flying, but you tend to be grouchy when you're so close to home. But again, maybe that's just a you problem.

Leaning back against the wall, you purse your lips as you take in the people around you and those coming out of baggage collection. It's amusing trying to guess where people have come from - sure, you could check and look at the flight arrivals board but some people may have had transfers. The couple wearing t-shirts, shorts and flip-flops have clearly come from a hot country and they must've been more concerned with ensuring they were comfy back in the original country than when they arrived here. You certainly wouldn't want to be walking outside without a coat.

Not only that, but you like to take in the diversity of luggage. The people who have battered suitcases that speak of many journeys, the people with just a carry-on that's stuffed to the brim, the people who wrap their suitcases in plastic to make sure no one will get into them. You always wonder if airport security ever breaks into those, it's something you'd experienced before and you didn't like the knowledge that someone had rifled through your stuff.

People-watching is so entertaining that you don't even realise that your fiancé has finally arrived until he calls out your name. Head jerking over to him, you take him in with his oversized white shirt and black sweatpants. The straps of his backpack frame his chest, whilst he pulls his larger suitcase behind him. Smiling widely, you move forward with your arms wide open.

He'd already been smiling at you anyway, but now his eyes crease with joy and you get the rare sight of his dimple. You swear he has the most expressive face you've ever seen, and right now those sparkling doe eyes are practically radiating happiness, despite the bags under his eyes.

"Hiiiii," You grin, wrapping your arms around his slim waist and hugging him so tightly that he lets out a little grunt. "Missed you."

"Missed you, too. I forgot how much I hate flying, but I've got so much cool shit for you!" He starts taking off his backpack immediately and you laugh, pressing a hand to his chest and shaking his head. Always so eager to be moving and doing things.

"Show me at home, the parking charges are insane for this place. Hey, Jimin - you have a good time as well?" You ask, nodding a greeting to Jungkook's best friend.

You'd spent the last two weeks alone, as Jungkook had gone to Australia for two weeks with his friends. It had been planned for the last few years, with all of them finally having the time and money to do it. As a result, you'd been greeted with plenty of pictures of Jungkook as he'd enjoyed all the touristy sites of Sydney and Melbourne. You'd gotten plenty of pictures of him snorkelling, scuba diving, windsurfing, surfing, and all the other things that you'd never in a million years do.

Given they'd gone in January, they'd enjoyed high temperatures and plenty of sun. As a result, even with the liberal sunscreen they'd been applying, both Jimin and Jungkook had tanned from all their outdoor activities. Though, you noted with amusement, Jungkook had managed to get a sunburn on his nose while Jimin's cheeks were looking a little more rosy than normal.

"I did, and thanks for agreeing to drive me home. I really appreciate it." Jimin says, giving you a quick smile and a nod of his head. His bleached blonde hair makes his golden skin look even more tanned, and you can just imagine how many women and men he left heartbroken back in Australia.

"It's no problem, come on. Do you want to stop for food on the way back?" Jimin lived in the same place as Jungkook and you, hence why you were bringing his friend back. Jungkook's other friends he'd gone with had been college friends, who didn't live near anymore so they hadn't been on the same flight.

"I'm okay, I think I just want my bed." Jimin responded whilst Jungkook nodded in agreement. You weren't surprised, they both had that weird 'wired-yet-haggard' look that travellers got after being stuck in a plane for ages.

Unsurprisingly, Jungkook falls asleep in the car within ten minutes of getting into it. The soft sound of his heavy breathing, and the slight snores that accompany it, make the corners of your lips twitch in amusement. You've missed that sound more than you'd realised, and a glance over at him makes your heart clench as a sudden wave of fondness takes over.

His head has lolled onto his left shoulder, with his mouth dropped open and his slightly too long hair falling into his eyes. A large part of you desperately wants to reach out and trace the features of his face, but you look away to concentrate on the road once more.

"Did you enjoy Australia as well? Jungkook kept telling me that you were being a hit with the folk there." Glancing into the rearview mirror, you catch Jimin's eyes and watch as the corner of his mouth quirks into a satisfied smirk.

"Yeah, it was great. Definitely want to go back, and yeah…met some friendly Aussies." A snort leaves your mouth at that.

"Friendly, is that what we're calling it?" Your answer makes Jimin laugh softly.

"Hey, they were hot and willing. Some days we just stayed on the beach pretty much - think the days I actually wore a shirt were in single figures. Unlike someone else in the car, I'm a free agent." Chewing your lip, you grip the wheel a little tighter at his words.

You're glad Jimin, and the rest of Jungkook's friends had enjoyed themselves on their trip and had been well received in return. But you'd seen the pictures that Jimin had posted on his Instagram, of the toned bodies of both men and women he'd hung out with at various points. Some featured Jungkook, your fiancé enjoying his time with his temporary new friends, and of course, he'd fit right in with his tall, muscular physique.

Frowning, you take a deep breath and try to tell yourself to get over it. You're so deep in the sudden shoring up of your emotional defences that you don't notice that Jimin has been carefully watching you out of the corner of his eye.

"Don't worry, he was loyal. Even moved his ring to pretend he was married, think he broke a lot of people's hearts but he didn't care." At that, your eyes glance to Jungkook's left hand and you note the faint tan line on his ring finger. Warmth fills you, and you feel yourself relax slightly.

Jungkook had decided he wanted an engagement ring too, though he wore it on his right hand instead of his left. The fact he'd willingly pretended to be married when you weren't there made you want to reach over and give him a huge kiss.

For a second, you press your lips together and try to prevent the smile before deciding 'fuck it', and letting it spread. What on earth had you done to end up with Jeon Jungkook?

-

Jungkook doesn't wake up even when you stop at Jimin's place, nor when you get out to help Jimin get his stuff out of the back. Even once you've parked in your drive, behind his Mercedes that hadn't moved in two weeks, he was still out. There was even a dark patch on his shirt where he'd drooled, and you snort before shaking his shoulder. It takes a few attempts - Jungkook is legendary for being hard to wake up - but he finally blinks at you bleakly.

It's amazing how he hasn't even been to bed, yet he looks like he's slept for ten hours and isn't aware of what year he's in. It's not his best look, with his sleep-swollen eyes and dried drool, yet you still look at him with love. There's something tender and special about being able to see someone in such a vulnerable state.

"C'mon sleepyhead, we're home."

He groans deeply, stretching his arms as far as he can against the car's ceiling whilst his long legs push against the foot well. You can't even imagine how tired he must feel, and the way he stretches is probably one of those satisfying stretches where every muscle tenses before relaxing in an almost seductive manner.

"Damn, I slept the whole way?" Jungkook asks, twisting his seat to see the empty back seats. Chuckling, you push some of his hair behind his ear before opening your door.

"Yep, you even drooled." Closing the door cuts off his curses, and by the time he's finished frantically wiping his chin and shirt, you've got his suitcase out and waiting. The dull grey sky is probably much more boring than the sun he'd enjoyed in Australia, and the coldness makes him shudder as he follows you inside the house.

For the next hour or two, the two of you enjoy each other's presence once more as you make a spicy chicken stir fry and he gets busy sorting out his laundry. You're not surprised that his most important business after getting home from vacation was to get his clothes cleaned.

By the time you've both finished off the stir fry - with extra helpings for Jungkook as apparently airplane food isn't anything to write home about - and Jungkook has taken a shower to wash off the grime of travelling, his first load of washing is done. You watch in amusement as he sorts everything out, carefully placing clothes on the drying rack that he doesn't want to be put into the dryer. There's no reason for you to be here, in the small utility room watching your fiancé dry clothes of all things, but you missed him.

Jungkook pauses for a moment, and he does nothing for so long that you're concerned he's fallen asleep. Moving over to him, you gently prod his arm and grin as he jolts his head up suddenly. You were half right, as he's rapidly blinking in an attempt to stay awake, even while standing and you smile.

"Alright, come on. You've sorted out your washing, for now, time for bed." He half-heartedly fights it for a second, glancing at the remainder of his washing before he trudged up to your bedroom. You follow, after locking the doors and turning everything off, and are endeared by the sight of him sprawled on the bed. He's half-dressed, only in his boxers and you get to marvel at the sight of him.

Even though he's tired, you can't help the spark of desire that ignites between your legs. It's been three weeks since you've had sex with him, and two of those weeks he hadn't even been here for you to look at. Old videos and photos you'd both made and his new pictures from Australia had been the only thing to keep you going.

But now he was back…half naked on the bed.

You don't realise you've been eyeing him so blatantly until he lets out a tired laugh. The movement makes his abs flex enticingly, leading you to crawl onto the bed with him.

"Eyeing up your prey?" Jungkook teases, one arm over his eyes whilst his free hand moves to squeeze your thigh. Part of you wants to take his hand and press it a little further to the right and up until you have those delightful fingers you love so much press right where you want them.

"Mmm, don't act like you don't like it." You emphasise your words by lightly poking the bulge that has slowly grown in his dark boxers. He might be tired, but one part of him is always willing to rise to the task.

"I always like it, I'm just a bit tired." He says, moving his arm enough until you get to see those big doe eyes staring at you. There's just enough mischief in them that lets you know though he might be tired, he's willing to play.

"Hmm…" Shifting slightly, you grasp the waistband of his boxers and tug. Slowly, they slide down and he lifts his hips slightly to help you, just enough that they pass the perfect muscles of his ass. It takes mere seconds to remove them completely, and you half-heartedly throw them in the direction of his clothes basket. 

He's already stiffening nicely, even without any touching, and you simply watch for a moment. Jungkook has a nice dick - you're one of those women who enjoys a nice-looking dick and Jungkook definitely has one. Not so long that he pokes you uncomfortably in the uterus, and not too thick that it means you need to prep every time you want a quickie.

Humming to yourself in appreciation - honestly, what had you done to get such a hunk of a man? - you trace your fingertips over his thighs. Thick muscles twitch under your touch, his skin sensitive and causing him to shiver slightly. The sensations increase as you trail your fingers higher, your nails grazing along his inside thigh with just the right amount of pressure that he lets out a huff of breath.

"Still tired?" You ask an innocence you both know you're not feeling laced into your words and Jungkook grunts. Looking directly into his eyes, and ignoring the delightful expanse of toned need skin on offer, you grin as they narrow.

"I will die if you stop." Jungkook states bluntly, one hand pressed into the bed whilst the other is pushing his hair back. It lets you see how his bicep bulges and you know that he probably kept up his workout routine even in Australia. 

"Bit dramatic, don't you think?" You tease, smirking as you trace one finger along the defined muscle that leads from his hip to his thigh. Unable to resist, you lean forward and gently bite the prominent line there and he hisses in response.

"Please just touch me," He grinds out, teeth pressed together. "I've missed you."

Even though he's already said it, and he's naked in front of you, your chest still warms at his words. To be missed by someone as handsome and sweet as Jeon Jungkook was special.

In response, you don't say anything but show your love and feelings by grasping his shaft and squeezing. The gesture instantly causes Jungkook to let out a sigh of relief, and you smirk as his cock twitches ever so slightly in your hand. He's hot beneath your palm, skin smooth and length hard. 

Tightening your grip, you jerk him a few times before slowing your movements. Instead of the quick, sharp tugs you'd just given him, you instead tense your hand and stroke his cock in slow, measured glides that twist slightly at the top. It's something he'd taught you, and you know it drives him wild when you mix up the speeds and grips. It might not be enough to get him to come, but it makes him feel good.

"Good?" You ask, checking in with him and feeling smug pride at the way his brow is creased in an expression that straddles pain and pleasure. Jungkook nods quickly, pink tongue flicking out to wet his lips before his teeth play with his lip ring.

You continue to stroke him for a minute or so, even going so far as to grip him in two hands and jerk him fast and hard in a way that makes him shout out and half sit up. But as much as you enjoy using your hand on him, you want him in your mouth too.

So you do - moving on the bed until you're in a comfy position and holding his cock straight up. Without saying anything, you suck on the tip of him, engulfing the flared head with ease and letting your tongue play around with what it can reach as you continue to stroke him with one hand from his base to your lips. His thighs tense, and one wandering hand almost grasps your shoulder before falling away to tighten on the bed sheets.

Pulling him out of your mouth, you trail your tongue down the veins of his shaft and back up repeatedly, licking him as eagerly as if he was your favourite ice lolly. The taste of him is unique, and you close your eyes as you lick, kiss and suck along him as he whines and pants out pleads to you.

Letting the tip of him rub along your lips for a moment, you give him a second to recover as you take a deep breath before slipping him into your mouth in one move. Discovering you could deep throat had been a revelation for Jungkook, and you loved the way he lost his mind whenever you did it.

Humming in happiness as taking him whole, your nose being tickled by his public hair as it rubs against his pelvis, you undulate your tongue as best you can. It's not exactly the most attractive thing, but it makes him groan most delightfully.

Swallowing, you let the strong muscles of your throat work the tip of his cock, causing it to twitch in your mouth at the pleasure. You'd smile if you didn't have a mouthful of him, but you scratch your fingernails down his thighs and hum in satisfaction. His thighs shiver, and you watch in satisfaction as his abdominal muscles convulse as he pants out.

Jungkook has always had a fantastic body, with defined abs, thick thighs, strong biceps and jaw-dropping back muscles. There's something extra special about seeing all those muscles tense and shift as you please him, unable to stay still and making him writhe on the bed. 

There's a noise that bursts from his mouth as you stroke the underside of his balls. You'd been with men before who didn't like their testicles being touched - men who found it too ticklish or just felt weird about it. Jungkook was all for ball play, and if gave him a blowjob without stroking or fondling them in some way then he'd pout a little. You think he just likes being overstimulated as he loves being edged as well. The more sensation he has, the stronger his orgasm usually was.

Part of you worries that he'll become a bit desensitised to it, so most of the time you won't go as intense. The last thing you want is for him to be unable to orgasm without a million things happening.

But for now…you'd engage in his wants.

One day, you'd try to give him a prostate orgasm. He'd already agreed to try it, but he hadn't yet felt confident enough to let you. You could only imagine how hard he'd cum then.

Another noise leaves him, and you get the sense it's asking for something. He sounds more whiny than usual, and you lift till his cock slips out of your mouth. Grasping the base of him, you stop it from falling against his stomach and instead tap it to your lips.

Each tap results in a kiss to the darkened skin.

"What is it?" You ask, pursing your lips and dragging him across them in a lazy measure. Giving blowjobs is something you enjoy, and you enjoy giving them to Jungkook even more. Apparently, you give the best blowjobs he's ever had, which does wonders for your ego.

Jungkook whines, pressing his palm to his eyes whilst his other hand flounders. It's like he can't decide whether he wants to grasp the bed, your head or himself.

"Use your words." Your own words are teasing, and you playfully lick his cock in short, quick movements. All the while, the hand grasping him moves slowly. He doesn't respond for a moment, so you make a tight circle with your index finger and thumb around him.

Slowly, you drag that circle up his cock and back down. The pressure on him is far more intense than if you just grip him in your fist, and his hips jolt up as a grunt leaves him.

"Fuck, fuck, please. Please." Jungkook moans, his breath catching in his throat as you jerk him off.

"Please…what?" You ask, raising a brow at him as a tiny smile takes over. From an outside perspective, it could be argued that you were dominating him. Neither of you engaged in the BDSM scene, and you didn't particularly care for the labels in your sex life but you did enjoy how whiny he got with you. If people wanted to label that, then fine.

"Please can we fuck? Please? Please, it's been so long." He whines, the syllables of his words extending with his stuttering breath, all of them more high-pitched than his normal voice. It makes you clench your thighs.

"You don't want me to suck you off?" Leaning forward, you circle your tongue around his swollen tip and make a questioning noise.

"No, please. Please, I want to be inside you." Jungkook begs, and you take a moment to sit back. It has been three weeks, what with the two weeks he was in Australia and the week before that when you'd been on your period.

Letting go of his cock, it falls to his stomach before rebounding slightly, trying its hardest to defy physics and reach you again. Pressing down on it, you use the space between your index and middle finger to stroke along the rock-hard muscle that lines the underside of him. Eyeing him, you bite your lip as you squeeze your inner muscles.

You're beyond wet. There's an unbearable ache in your pussy, the muscles tightening on nothing and leaving you desperate for something to fill it. For someone.

"Fuck, okay." You curse, giving in to him with ease. It wasn't a hard choice - your fingers were great and all but you'd missed the feeling of him inside you, on top of you.

Jungkook lets out a victory noise and sits up, the muscles of his abs working intensely in a way that makes your mouth water. He quickly moves onto his knees, and you let him move you into the position he wants.

What he wants is one of your favourites - you on your side, with your leg raised to expose yourself to him. He straddles your other leg, stroking his cock in firm movements that give away his familiarity with what pleases him. His free hand reaches forward and trails through the slick between your legs, fingers parting the swollen flesh there to reveal your needy entrance.

"Fuck." Is all he says, one finger scooping up some of the wetness and using it to thoroughly soak your clit. Your body appreciates it, the feeling of his fingers on your clit much more pleasurable when it's slippery compared to when it's dry. A satisfied sigh leaves your lips as you shift to watch him.

An unfortunate part of being a larger woman is that you often don't quite get to properly see what Jungkook does to you. Either you can't get into a position that makes it easy to see, or there's some annoying body part in the way. But that's what phones are for, and you've got plenty of videos and photos of him that made the lonely nights more palatable.

Though you can't see his fingers as they play with your clit, you do get to see the intense look of concentration on his face. Jungkook puts 100% effort into everything he does, and the crease between his brows gives away that he's completely focused on your body right now. Even his hand on his dick has slowed, his mind concentrating only on your body.

"Get in me already!" You whine, and it's not lost on you that the tables have turned. The raised brow on Jungkook's face tells you that it's not lost on him either.

"Now who's needy?" Jungkook mumbles, a smirk curving one side of his mouth and you scowl. The toes of the leg resting on his shoulder move to push him, and he laughs as he rocks.

"Alright, alright. One stuffed pussy, coming up." 

"That was so cringy, don't say tha-ooh." Your complaint trails off into a breathy moan, the sound high as it catches in your throat. He'd taken the opportunity of your complaining to slide into you in one, firm thrust that has your eyes fluttering closed. Your pussy tightens on him instinctively, and you feel the tiny flutters of involuntary convulsions at the thick intrusion that causes so much pleasure.

"You were saying?" Jungkook asks, leaning over and resting his hands on either side of your head. It's a slightly awkward position, as your raised leg is pushed just a little too far but you ignore it in favour of the delightful sensation of him inside you.

It feels like he's deeper than normal, thanks to your leg being stretched in such a way that it has your pussy open in a way that it normally isn't. The sensations are intense, and that's before you even comprehend the fact that Jungkook's body is almost pressed to you, his mouth pressing open kisses to your shoulder and whatever part of you he can reach.

Before you can say anything, he moves. He doesn't thrust, nor does he pound - no, he rolls his hips into you in slow, precise movements. It's almost more like a dance, like he's grinding against you just with the bonus of his cock deep in you.

Groaning deeply, your arm that isn't pressed beneath your body tries to reach for some part of him. One thing you've learnt, after almost two years together, is that Jeon Jungkook knows how to fuck.

The open position your lower half is in means that your wetness is almost obscene. Already, after only a minute or two, your thighs are soaked as his cock pushes in and slick seeps out. The squelching sound is louder than normal, and you'd feel a bit shy about it if you weren't horny as hell. Plus, one of Jungkook's kinks is trying to figure out how wet he can get you - there have been attempts on his part to get you to squirt, so you know that he's probably more turned on than ever at the way you're soaking him.

"Harder?" Jungkook asks, and you twist slightly to look at him and nod. He's sweating now, and you'll both have another shower after this, but the dark look in his eyes gives away how much he's enjoying this. As if you needed that as proof though - not when he's balls deep in you. 

"Fuuck, I've missed this." Moaning out, you push your hips towards him as best you can in your position and are rewarded with a spike of hot pleasure. Giving your shoulder a final kiss, Jungkook pushes up until he's once more knelt on the bed.

A look passes between you both as he grips your thigh with one hand, his other moving to rub at your swollen clit. Jolting at the sensation, you bite your lip and squeeze on his cock. His response is immediate - hips no longer rolling in a sensual dance but instead thrusting in a furious, hard rhythm.

Jungkook slams into you at a fast pace, his cock sliding in and out of you with ease and rubbing against all the parts that make your body tighten in delight. Skin against skin joins the sloppy sounds as he fucks you hard, taking advantage of his position to use the strength of his thighs and core muscles and the easy access he has to your position to his advantage.

Pushing your head into the pillow, you moan unintelligible words to him as your hand grasps the covers - a deep need to be doing something with your hands. His fingers are rubbing circles into your clit, just the right pressure and movements to have your hips jerking as your body fumbles between trying to seek out the pleasure or avoid it.

"Jungkook…fuck, yes…there, I'm gonna-" You don't get the words out before the pressure centred around your clit finally breaks and molten pleasure cascades out. The effect is immediate - your pussy clenches uncontrollably around him so forcefully that he's almost pushed out of you whilst muscles all over your body spasm - pleasure shorting out your nerves and thoughts.

Long moans drag from your throat, alternating between high-pitched whines and deep grunts as you let yourself go to the orgasm. It's helped along by Jungkook's continued thrusting, his cock pushing through the vice grip you have on him and stroking all the overstimulated nerves in your pussy until you're crying out mercy to him.

The hand holding your thigh tightens suddenly to almost painful levels as Jungkook's entire body stiffens, his muscles more defined than ever as his orgasm ricochets through his body. Over half an hour of edging and three solid weeks since being inside you combine for an orgasm so strong that his mind whites out for a second. His breathing stutters as a high whining moan leaves his mouth, his brow creased in almost painful pleasure whilst his cock twitches inside you, each movement jetting another rope of cum to coat your insides.

For what was probably a solid 30 seconds, though it felt much longer, neither of you move or say a word as you both come back into your minds. His cock milked dry, Jungkook starts to soften in you almost immediately and he visibly deflates with tiredness. He shifts ever so slightly and slips out of you, the loss of him both welcome and unwelcome. You can already feel the thick mess of his release beginning to trickle out of you, but you can't bring yourself to stop it.

Others probably would judge you both for it, but you'd both stopped using any protection around two months ago. It had been Jungkook who'd suggested it first, pointing out that you were going to get married and he'd been excited to have a baby previously. Apparently, it had weighed on his mind that you'd never got that baby, and he'd realised that he very much wanted to be a dad.

You'd been amenable to his thoughts, acknowledging that you'd rather have your first child sooner instead of waiting and potentially risking age-related issues. Not that there was anything wrong with women who had babies later in life, but you were well aware that you had the added risk of your weight.

So you'd both agreed to stop using protection. You wouldn't actively try - none of that tracking your ovulation or putting pressure on yourself - but you wouldn't stop it if it happened. This time, whenever it happened, it would be a choice that you'd both made. A choice that you'd welcome, but for now…you'd enjoy the benefits of having him bare.

Looking at him, you give him a tired smile before reaching out and grasping his hand. Your fingers shake slightly from the orgasm, but you squeeze his fingers affectionately. Despite the lewdness of everything that had just happened, the two of you simply stare at each other with fondness and so much love.

"Love you." You say, voice cracking a little and he gives a crooked smile before kissing your fingers.

"Love you more " 

-

By the time you get out of the shower and reenter the bedroom to put on some pyjamas, you note that Jungkook has fallen asleep already. You'd find it impressive if you didn't know he could fall asleep in an instant, so you're not surprised that between the five minutes since him getting out of the shower and you giving yourself a quick wash, he'd already passed out.

Pulling on some fresh underwear and clean pyjamas, the scent pleasing to your nose against the faint odour of sex still in the air, you observe him quietly. He's near enough on his front, one arm tucked underneath his chest while his free arm rests on the mattress, his chin almost laying on his hand. Wet hair, extra black against the white and grey of the pillowcase, is beginning to dry and you can already are that he's going to have some wild bed hair in the morning.

Grinning and climbing into bed beside him, you take a moment to plug in your phone and apply a lip sleeping mask before turning off the light. Throughout all your shuffling as you wiggle down the bed, Jungkook doesn't even twitch and you wonder just how long he's going to sleep after a long flight and intense sex.

Moving over to where you can see his form against the darkness, you rest your cheek on his shoulder and lay your free arm over his slim waist. A quiet sound rumbles in his chest, neither a groan nor a moan of acknowledgement.

Pressing your nose to his shirt, you take in the scent of the man you love so deeply and sigh happily.

He's back home.

[lossie92]

The below snippet is from a little something I've been adding to in-between other projects. It's an a/b/o arranged marriage fic that focuses on mdtb trying to find the common ground and communicate with each other during their wedding night. Btw I'm working on stuff in the background (the next chapter of Cynosure should be coming your way sometime this week, yay!), but it's slow going, since I haven't been feeling well for a while now.

Either way, hope you enjoy!

-

Tobirama's hand shook when he placed it in Madara's. He was sure the alpha could feel it, but it was difficult to say what he thought of it, his face unreadable as he helped Tobirama stand and then led him away from their wedding reception to the sound of whistles and catcalls.

Though Tobirama tried to pretend he wasn't bothered by the ruckus and the reason behind it, he would be lying if he said he wasn't apprehensive about what this night would bring.

Even if he had wondered what it would be like to be intimate with someone, he had never tried it before. In fact the moment Madara kissed him to seal their marriage was the first time he had ever kissed anyone and he was still reeling from the experience, his whole body tingling when he remembered how unexpectedly nice it had felt.

He could feel himself blush at that thought, the memories of the moment they shared that kiss fresh and vivid.

Madara had been gentle. He had pulled Tobirama close and cradled his cheek in one of his bare hands before pressing his lips against Tobirama's for a brief moment. He had pulled away almost immediately, but Tobirama chased after him, sealing their lips in another kiss that clearly took Madara by surprise. He still kissed back and although it was probably against tradition and decorum, they continued to exchange those soft, tender kisses until they were both breathless. 

Though maybe Tobirama was reading too much into it, he couldn't help but think this might bode well for their first night as husband and wife, if not their marriage overall.

Maybe it would be bearable.

Maybe he had nothing to fear.

They arrived at their chambers sooner than Tobirama expected. It pulled him back to the here and now suddenly, and he tensed up involuntarily when he realised this was it.

Thankfully, that particular wing of the daimyo's palace was more secluded, affording them the much-needed privacy. In comparison to the reception hall, which faced the main courtyard, it was quieter and darker, creating a more intimate atmosphere. 

They would be alone with no one to disturb them. On one hand it was a relief, considering the Elders almost succeeded in pushing for a viewing ceremony, but on the other…

Tobirama shivered as Madara led him inside before closing the door behind them.

The chambers consisted of four rooms in total.

The entrance area where they were now seemed to be set up like a day room with a low table surrounded by zabuton near the centre and a place to prepare tea tucked away in a corner and partially hidden by a screen. The shoji was left open, allowing the cool night air and the faint light of the moon to slip inside.

One of the other rooms looked to be an office with a writing desk in the middle. Tobirama didn't spare it much attention, but he could see that someone had placed a brush stand, an ink block, and fresh scrolls on top of the desk, presumably in case either Madara or himself needed to work in the morning.

The third room was a small bathing area equipped with a mirror, an empty basin, two jugs of water, a bar of soap, and some linens they could use to wash themselves.

Finally the fourth and last room was the bedroom – their den for the night. 

There were two wooden ikou in the opposite corners of the room, which was much appreciated as they were both dressed in expensive clothing and it would have been a shame if their kimono got ruined. Their belongings had been placed next to them, indicating which ikou was meant for whom. 

Tobirama's attention was focused more on the bedding in the middle. His eyes widened when he saw the amount of pillows, furs, and blankets piled on top of it.

"Do you like it?" He heard Madara ask. "I thought this would be a bit more… comfortable."

"It seems… nice. Very, um, nice, Madara-sama," Tobirama responded. When he turned his head to look at his husband, he found the alpha already looking at him, his expression neutral. "Did you… was it your idea?"

Madara nodded. "I asked Hashirama what you would find most comforting," he said. "It's not perfect, I know, but I hope it will do for now? You will, of course, be able to arrange the nest to your liking at our house. I bought some materials already and we can always get more, but the decision regarding how and where it should be placed will be yours."

"Oh," was all that Tobirama was able to say. He suddenly felt hot all over as if he was running a fever. "That's… I'm… th-thank you?"

"You're welcome, Tobirama-san," Madara said with a barely there smile. "It's the least I could do." He paused for a moment and seemed to consider something before he added, "Would you like to change anything?"

Tobirama blinked, confused. "What?"

"Would you like to change anything?" Madara repeated while gesturing to the den. "Like I said, I asked your brother and did what I could, but it's not the same. So if it would make you feel more, um, comfortable… I can call for more pillows and blankets?"

"I… that's not– I'm— you don't have to?" Tobirama could feel himself blush as he said that. His face probably looked all splotchy right now, the remnants of makeup likely making things even worse. "It's, er, really fine. I mean nice. It's nice. I like it."

Though the expression on Madara's face didn't change, Tobirama had a distinct feeling the alpha didn't believe him and he was proven correct a moment later.

"Are you certain?" Reaching over, Madara took hold of his hands and squeezed them gently. "I want you to enjoy yourself tonight, Tobirama-san."

"I don't think that's possible to achieve," Tobirama responded before he could think what he was saying. His face now burning with embarrassment, he quickly added, "I-I didn't mean that!"

He snatched his hands away from Madara's hold and took a step back, wondering if he had just ruined everything. What he had said was true – he honestly didn't think he could be comfortable or find much joy in the current situation – but saying such a thing out loud was beyond stupid. It was bound to make Madara angry or displease him, and then—

"Aa, I understand if that's how you feel." Madara's voice remained even and calm, no trace of temper to be found. "All the more reasons to try though, isn't it?"

[canmom]

Das Abenteuer der Canmom in Köln (zur Gamescom)

It's time for canmom to have another adventure! What will that wacky lil porygon do next?

[you may be wondering, whatever happened to the plan to transfer l'aventure de canmom à Annecy to the main site for easier reading? that's still planned to happen, hopefully pretty soon! I've just been very busy.]

So: I work for a small VR games company called Holonautic. I've been working for them for around four months now (time flies)! This week some of us were in Cologne, Germany, attending Gamescom. Until this trip I hadn't met any of them in person, and indeed only had a vague idea what they looked like, because the modern world is wacky that way.

What's Gamescom? It's a major industry expo where game devs show off their games to the public and journalists, and otherwise have various industrial sorts of chats. The event fills a massive convention centre (the Kölnmesse), similar to the Excel Centre in London. Thousands and thousands of gamers enter in massive queues, and once inside, they queue up some more to get a chance to play some work in progress games at massive display booths.

Or maybe they go to the indie room, where there are hundreds of tiny desks just wide enough for a dev to set up a computer with a demo... or the retro games area, where various old consoles were set up for people to play... or one of the zones set up for laser tag or something like that. There was a lot going on!

Even Cthulhu came down to check out the games.

My own experience of Gamescom involved very little of that. With my Trade Visitor badge I could skip the queues, but most of my time was spent in a corner of the Business Area demoing our game to influencers, other devs and members of Meta and Unity, and then heading out to restaurants to have dinner with other VR devs in the evening. I had a good time though! It was great to meet the rest of Holonautic in person, and get to see the sights of Köln a tiny bit. And it was a very rewarding feeling to see other people enjoy the game I'd been working so hard on.

So in this post I'm going to talk about my trip, do a bit of amateur sociology, think about the place of videogames in the world and all that - and also talk a little about how the game sausage gets made - at least as far as I can without breaking NDA. Sadly, the game I spent most of the weekend demonstrating remains under wraps, so I'll have to tell you about that another day. I didn't get to see a ton of games but I'll also talk about the handful of indies I did see!

This time I travelled by train (non-transport nerds, feel free to skip this paragraph), taking the Eurostar from St. Pancras to Brussels, and then the ICE 19 to Cologne. Although it was slower and a bit more expensive than flying, once you factor in the time it takes to travel out to the airport, and the security generally being much more straightforward, I think I much prefer the trains. I spent my journeys drawing other passengers (coming soon to @canmom-art) and reading Osamu Tezuka's manga Ayako (which will be its own post). It was all told very straightforward and comfortable.

[minutiae: I thought I was clever by getting an Interrail pass instead of just buying tickets the usual way, but I didn't realise that you also have to pay for seat reservations, so in the end the Interrail probably cost about as much for a 'there and back again' type of trip.]

By far the most expensive part of the trip was the hotel room. We stayed in a hotel pretty close to the centre of Cologne, but it turned out that its proximity to be about 15 minutes walk from public transport, so we didn't end up saving that much travel time. Since I ultimately spent almost no time in my hotel room, I think if I go next year, the call will be to stay at a hostel. But anyway, let's talk games.

How a game gets released on the Quest

So, Holonautic specialises in VR games. I wrote about our previous games in this very nerdy post, but in brief, there are broadly two major types of VR game: PC VR and standalone VR. For PC VR, the game runs on a computer, and the headset just contains a screen and something that can be tracked. For standalone VR, the headset is essentially a powerful Android smartphone with a custom OS; it uses the headset's cameras for tracking and does all the computing on the headset.

With the success of the Oculus/Meta Quest series, standalone VR became really, really popular - much more so than PCVR ever was. It makes sense: for native games you don't need a powerful gaming PC and there are no cables to trip over or expensive base stations, but you can still play PCVR games if you want to. Almost all of Holonautic's games are Quest-native.

For PCVR games, you can use one of various APIs, such as OpenXR, to wire up your game to VR tracking and input. Moreover, Valve built pretty good VR support into Steam, and since Steam is pretty much anything-goes, it's pretty easy to release a PCVR game in a way people can get it - but marketing is all on you, as with any Steam game.

The Quest is a different story. Compared to other consoles, Meta (which absorbed Oculus a few years ago) occupies a bit of a strange position in this industry, simultaneously the hardware manufacturer, the only publisher, and also a developer of first-party titles.

I don't have any good pictures for this part so here's me in a massive cathedral. Metaphors? No no. It's just a holiday photo...

There are two ways that games can get released on the Quest. There's the store, which is heavily curated: here, Meta acts as a publisher, releasing only games they think will sell, but they also put games through months of QA and handle all the marketing for you (i.e. putting it in front of people when they boot up the Quest). To get on the store, you basically need to have an in at Meta - there's a whole process, I'll talk about that in a moment. There's also 'App Lab', which is much less heavily vetted - but also it's a lot harder to get an audience on App Lab. If a game is particularly successful on App Lab, Meta may end up promoting it to the store. But a lot of games just languish there.

Of course, just because you have a liaison at Meta does not mean you have a free pass onto the store. There's a whole series of stages you have to go through: first you write up a detailed pitch, then if approved (based on what else may be in the works, Meta won't approve two overly similar games), you have a few months to make a 'Minimum Viable Product' prototype of your game and show it to Meta. I joined the company about a month before the MVP was due on our game.

Assuming your contact at Meta likes the MVP, you get a few more months to make a 'Vertical Slice', which is essentially a small portion of your game that's more or less complete. (For example, a single level.) Then, you show this to Meta again. If you make a good impression, they'll give you the go-ahead to finish the game and release it on the store.

Here's another random picture of Köln from the famous Hohenzollern Bridge. Are you saying this wall covered in padlocks is symbolic of something? Overactive imagination, I tell you.

So if yo uwere wondering, the last few weeks of intense work were all about making that vertical slice be as good as possible (and it got pretty clutch at the end). Since we were all going to be at Gamescom, we agreed with our guy at Meta that we'd demo the game in person.

The upshot of all this is that selling a VR game is heavily heavily shaped by Meta, and specifically the individual at Meta who makes the call. Holonautic has a longstanding contact with a laid-back American guy I'll call W.; he has in the past championed some of our games like Hand Physics Lab that left other Meta staff unconvinced. (As it turns out, W. was right and Hand Physics Lab was successful.) But he's not shy about saying that a game doesn't make the cut and should go to AppLab instead. Our game would live or die based on W.'s opinion.

But not just W.; Meta itself as an organisation is also looking for certain things, shaped by its internal politics. They have new features they want to tout - so if you can come up with a game that uses mixed reality, hand tracking and shared anchors that's probably going to count in your favour. And they have certain directions they are keen to push: sporty exercise games are in favour at the moment.

What does this mean for the evolution of the medium? Well, of course people will make the games they want to make, and just because Meta likes an idea doesn't mean it will sell. But Meta does have a lot of power to dictate the general direction of VR games - and if the Apple Vision Pro takes off in a few years, Apple will no doubt end up with a similar role.

It's been interesting to see the forces that shape a game up close: our ideological desire to make things that are new and different and meet our personal tastes, balanced against the need to have successful games to keep the company afloat (good old M-C-M'), and the need to satisfy Meta; all of this leaves its fingerprints on the game.

To not keep you in suspense, I think the demo to W. went pretty well; I can't really say more than that. It was also a good chance to tell the Meta guys about the parts of their APIs that are jank and hard to use - and to their credit they were apparently rather desperate to get feedback and I feel hopeful that they'll make it better.

It's hard to talk about Meta, because it's just such a massive organisation. We can talk about massive erosion of privacy, enabling genocide in Myanmar, and so on - but we're dealing with a small sub-corner of this huge beast, which is less a social media company and more of a games publisher and console manufacturer. But I definitely understand why someone wouldn't want to let a Facebook device loaded with cameras into their house! I could go more into privacy and the Quest 2 but it would be way too long a tangent. Ultimately this is probably a 'no ethical consumption'/'we live in a society' type of deal - one day Meta's domination will erode and we'll have to deal with a different superpower.

Whatever happens, we can continue to explore what's possible in this medium! I think of all the ethical bargains that must be made with the tech industry, I have done OK.

What Cologne is like

On Tuesday, I arrived in Cologne Central Station (Köln Hauptbahnhof) and walked over to my hotel, where I met my colleagues. Most of them looked fairly similar to how they'd set up their VR avatars... but none of them had realised I'm super tall. surprise, bitches ;p

We went out to an Indian restaurant where we all ended up ordering biryani. This being Germany, the portions were massive, so I asked for mine to be in a box to finish later, forgetting that my hotel room had no fridge or microwave and I'd have zero time to eat it (rip). Overall I think I hit it off pretty well, and we chatted for a while about games we liked, the mess that happened at Za/um, movies and the like - it was good to get a chance to interact more casually in person instead of only ever talking about work stuff. Everyone was exhausted from travel so we turned in pretty early, though probably not as early as the restaurant would have liked...

The thing that surprised me most about Cologne is how much it didn't feel strange or unfamiliar. If not for all the signs in German and cars driving on the right, you could drop me in an area of Cologne and tell me it's an unfamiliar part of London and I'd easily believe you. The parts of the city that are filled with business parks and glass-fronted chain stores could exist almost anywhere on Earth.

That said, there are some ways the Germans do things differently! One is restaurants. I visited three different restaurants and two of them worked on a 'self-service' model. Essentially, you order your food at the bar, and they give you a little buzzer device. When it buzzes, you go back up to the bar and collect your food. Nobody would wait tables, there would just be one person behind the bar taking orders and such (though someone would still have to clean your table).

Restaurants also close very early in Cologne. I think a couple of times we put staff in an awkward position of wanting to go home but having to sit around until our party was done. That said, at one point I walked through a riverside area with a few dozen steakhouses, and that seemed to stay open a lot later.

Köln has a decent amount of graffiti, a surprisingly large portion of it in English. Under most bridges there's usually a good number of tags. I didn't manage to get any good photos but shout out to the person who wrote something like 'this world is too damn loud', which is a big mood for autistic girl walking away from a convention centre lmao.

Wednesday: in which our heroine finds out what an influencer is

The next morning we all went down to a German bakery (pictured above). According to my colleagues, the thing to get is a Bienenstich, or 'Bee Sting', a kind of cake with crispy honeyed almond flakes on top and cream in the middle. Here's a really bad photo:

It was pretty tasty!

We scooted over to the convention centre on the metro, and made our way in. I started getting used to navigating the Messe. Our company didn't get our own booth this year, but XR game devs are pretty tight-knit, and Niantic, creators of Ingress and Pokémon Go, there to promote their new phone-based AR Monster Hunter game - lent us some space in their booth to do a demo to the popular VR influencers Cas and Chary.

We headed over to Hall 8 and none of us could find the Niantic booth. Eventually we figured out why: the Niantic booth was outdoors. On a very bright summer day.

The Quest 2 has a bit of a finicky relationship to light. If it's too dark, the cameras can't pick up anything and tracking can fail - hand tracking is especially susceptible. But bright sunlight is also a problem. Essentially, the controllers on the Quest 2 contain small infrared LEDs, which are tracked by the headset's cameras. This works very well, in general - but in the sun, the background infrared radiation can completely overwhelm these LEDs and the controllers become essentially unusable. You also have to be very careful never to let the sun shine through the lenses inside the headset when you take it off, or the focused sunlight can destroy the screen.

So, an outdoor demo was a problem. Luckily, Niantic had an air-conditioned tent in their little zone. We all filed into the tent and started testing the headsets. Even inside a tent, it was too bright for the Quest 2 hand tracking... but we managed to figure out the Quest Pro still worked (since it uses cameras in the controllers for tracking), and rushed to test everything would work. Before long, Cas and Chary arrived, and we demoed the game. Look mum, I'm in a tweet:

Before this convention I had very little knowledge of the whole world of VR influencers, and honestly I still don't, but it seems to be a big thing - a good word from an influencer is a massive boost to a game's chances. I'm still not entirely sure what the difference is between an influencer and a journalist; both are in the business of reviewing new tech and games and rely on a reputation of unbiased analysis for credibility, and both are courted by devs hoping to promote their games. I guess an influencer is like a fully independent journalist? In any case, Cas and Chary were really sweet in our extremely brief meeting, and it was amazing to see the first people from outside the company having fun with our game.

We got word that bHaptics, a Korean company which makes haptic suits and gloves for use with VR devices, had some space in their booth and were willing to let us do some demos there. So we set off back down the entire length of the convention centre to go into the secret Business Area.

Wednesday at Gamescom is restricted to trade visitors, meaning it's much less crowded than the later days. On those later days, that restriction only applies to the three halls designated as the Business Area. Like regular Gamescom, these halls are divided into flashy booths trying to sell you stuff, but in this case it's mostly companies trying to sell services and tools to developers: backend services, special 3D pens, anti-cheat... also a bunch of stands selling merch and figurines for some reason (maybe because they want to manufacture tie-in merch for your game), as well a bunch of national organisations promoting the game development scene in xyz country.

The Belgian stand functioned as a meeting spot, and they were also handing out vouchers for free beer. A strategy that seemed to be quite effective, judging by how crowded their booth became that evening.

We tested our headsets in the bHaptics zone, and discovered DOTS Netcode's prediction/rollback is good enough to make the game feel smooth even on public convention centre wifi, which was rather satisfying - so you know, good job Unity! Unfortunately the Shared Anchors continued to be a pain. We briefly ran into the head of DOTS at Unity and arranged a demo, scooted off to meet W. from Meta who bought us drinks, scooted over to Niantic again to meet some members of XR Bootcamp (a training course in XR game dev, whose cofounders Ferhan and Rahel seem to be the glue that holds the whole XR dev scene together), and at last wandered back to the Belgian zone...

...and then I went back to bHaptics to have a go at their gear. I didn't take a photo (rip) so here's a photo by CNet showing the full bHaptics getup, which in combination looks... kind of like you're the member of the SWAT team on washing up detail...

(source: Scott Stein/CNet)

I had never gotten to try any sort of haptic suit before this, so it was quite novel. Essentially the vest contains 40 (or 16) vibration motors; the gloves contain further motors on the tips of each finger, and there's another motorised ring between you and the headset. There are also motorised wrist bands, motorised ankle bands...

The first demo was designed to showcase the features of the suit and wristbands, so you could try out various actions like shooting guns or putting stuff in a backpack with and without haptics. A second demo focused on manipulating objects: no wristbands, just the glove and hand tracking.

Of the various devices, the most convincing was probably shooting with the haptic suit. Vibration motors are well-suited for brief, intense pulses, and firing guns definitely felt more impactful with the suit on - not a perfect simulation of impact, but a strong effect. The backpack demo was especially impressive: it really felt like dropping heavy objects into a backpack. You also got to shoot at your own mirror image and feel the bullet/laser impacts, which felt like a rather roundabout way to give myself a back massage, but I could see it being effective in the right game.

The hand demo convinced me less. The problem is that vibration is a poor simulacrum of pressing against a solid surface, so it just felt distracting to have a vibration pulse when i grabbed an object - and you still had the usual physics jank associated with manipulating objects in VR using hand tracking. The final section of the hand tracking demo was social interaction: you were faced with rotated clone avatar, and you could shake your hand, punch or slap yourself, or give yourself a hug. As someone who lives half a world away from most people I love, I think giving someone a hug in VR would be a fantastic use of the technology, but sadly this hug was... not entirely convincing. It is very hard to simulate a steady touch with vibration motors.

Ultimately I think the best use for this haptic gear may not be simulation fidelity, but more abstract: similar to the haptic suit used in certain public demos of Rez Infinite, pulsing in time to music. Such uses are mentioned on the bHaptics site, and I'd love to have been able to try that kind of demo. (And yeah, I'm sure you could hook it up to the other kind of remote-controlled vibrating devices if you so desired, though you'd probably have to do a bit of work to wire everything up.)

It was really cool to finally get to experience haptics, and I was very grateful to the bHaptics members for taking the time to show me their gear.

After I'd satisfied myself, I caught up with the gang; we went out to dinner with other XR devs at a Turkish restaurant called Bona'me near the river. (The food was tasty and had a decent amount of vege options, once again in huge portions but this time we split them between the table. ...and once again we were the last table to leave by a long way, and I feel bad for the staff who had to sit around waiting for us.)

There, I met a solo dev called Ben Outram, who's spent the last three years working on a game called Squingle, a fascinating psychedelic game about manipulating bubbles in a world of DMT-core abstract visuals. (Honestly, check this game out, it's nuts. Meta are sleeping on it, it should absolutely have a full store release.)

Thursday: chaos reigns

On Thursday it somehow ended up that in the space of an hour, we would be demoing our game to the head of DOTS development at Unity (whose name I somehow never managed to catch), demoing our other game Cybrix to Cas and Chary, and then doing the big important demo for meta. Then it turned out that our metro line was blocked by an accident up ahead. We hurried out to get an Uber, and our driver gave us a rather... exciting ride; he rolled down the window to argue with another driver and dropped us off in the middle of the road while we waited in traffic. Rather harried, we arrived back at the bHaptics corner and set up for the demos in an unused area of floor nearby.

I'm not sure if I can say too much about how our demos went, but unfortunately we ran into some versioning issues and were not able to show Cybrix to Cas and Chary before they had to rush off (we weren't the only one to face transport issues that morning). Lesson learned: test everything, not just the part you're worried about. It's not the end of the world, though, and we all headed over to W.'s hotel, into a swanky suite with a nicely laid table for the most important demo of the week. We had the room for maybe 20 minutes, then we were out the door again to the lobby of another hotel to talk it over.

After that... suddenly the afternoon was free, ish. We went back into Gamescom and ate some very expensive ramen. Then, word came that some more influencers wanted to try out our games, so it was back to bHaptics and well, the story gets a little repetitive at this point :p I can't say much more than that without talking about our game, so I will just have to say that the demos went well.

This was my view for most of Gamescom.

At the end of the day, I had a couple of free hours to scoot over to the indie games area and try out some games before everyone went home. At this point my social batteries had run very dry indeed so I was glad to get some time to just play games.

The indie zone was divided into lots and lots of small booths, typically just wide enough for one computer. And even late in the evening, it was very, very busy...

This is just one small corner of the indie area.

Not really knowing almost any of these games, my 1337 MLG Pro Gamescom strat was to wander around until I spotted an empty chair and then play whatever game was going and chat with the dev if they were around. This worked out pretty well! I'll write up the games I played in a moment, but first I'm overdue to wax philosophical.

What was really striking about walking around the indie area is just how many games there are. Wandering around you can pretty quickly spot patterns and influences just by glimpsing at screens (here's a combat tutorial, there's a crafting/survival game, and yonder a narrative game that's borrowed the entire interface of Disco Elysium).

I've seen, up close and personal now, just how much fiddly effort and dedication it takes to make a game. There's something kind of strange and alienating to me about encountering all this creative output in a massive aggregate, where you can only give it maybe half an hour in a noisy room, surrounded by a dozen more or less similar games, in a way that kind of demands you rapidly assign it into a broad, combinatoric category: x art style, y core mechanic, z emotional register. Presenting this game this way really seems to file them all down to Content, which can be boxed and tagged and matched to a consumer with the appropriate set of subculture flags.

One thing that is distinctive about games as a medium to me is the very strong separation between 'mechanics' and 'presentation'. To produce a game you don't just need a system to manipulate, but also associate it with a narrative to make it comprehensible and lend it some sort of affective impact.

So you could theoretically make a game with the exact same mechanics as, say, Half-Life 2 - the same movement, the same enemy hitboxes, the same collision geometry and shooting mechanics and progression - but a completely different presentation style and telling a completely different story. Indeed, a typical early stage of game development has placeholder 'programmer art' and 'greybox' levels.

Equally, you could lift the iconography of a game and drape it over a completely different mechanical substrate - and indeed, it isn't at all uncommon for major franchises to launch spinoffs in different genres.

So games as a medium consist of all these different pieces which you can attach in various ways to define a game which you can name. And once this is done, that game becomes in a sense 'concrete': we act as if Half-Life 2 is an object with a distinct existence. It's a powerful social construct. Then, a successful game is then one which manages to unify all these disparate elements into some sort of whole that feels coherent. Game development sees all the possible elements of a game gradually collapse into whatever gets released. It's highly stochastic: an arbitrary decision by a tired dev, or even a glitch, might later become fixed as one of the core icons of the great 'Franchise'.

When there were less games around, and it was a lot harder for people to get their hands on dev tools, it made sense to think of games as solid, discrete things. Whatever you got on the cartridge or disc was pretty much immutable. Now, though, most major games operate as a 'service' that is constantly modified, and it is not uncommon either for players to mod a game, on a continuum from small changes like injecting shaders or changing music, to total conversion mods that are a 'whole new game'.

And indie games, then... you've got a subculture which heavily emphasise sharing techniques, and it's just as beholden to genre as AAA games. The existence of all these games side by side, even though each one has its own name and identity, seems to further break up "games" into combinations of pieces. When I encounter a new third-person action game, it's as a variation on a kind of broader, abstracted super-game. My first task is to discover the particular quirks of this manifestation of the third person action game. The days when we had a shared culture of 'games everyone has played' are basically already gone, but we still have a certain degree of shared context, because each game is a probe into that constantly evolving game-space, which someone has gone to the trouble to fish out and decorate...

I suppose this is all coming back around to the otaku database thing, isn't it? Or just semiotics in general...

Anyway, here's what I found on Thursday:

I played an FPS called Serum, in which the core conceit is that you inject big syringes into your arm to give yourself powerups. Otherwise, it seems to be a game about gathering and crafting. Sadly the demo computer didn't have headphones, so I was missing sound, and seemed to be a bit underpowered for the game. Nevertheless, I walked around a bit, manufactured a healing serum, and shot some wolf and rabbit monsters with a bow and arrow.

I feel like I was rather ruder than I intended to be, because in talking to the dev afterwards, the first thing I mentioned was the performance issues and he had to apologise like, yeah, we're running it on a laptop (it sounded like he said with a 3070? but I must have misheard him, unless he has very high standards for underpowered), it does run better on a proper computer. The environment design in this game was definitely really strong. Not quite sure how the serum mechanic would work in practice - it sounds quite like Bioshock's plasmids, but the demo didn't really give the opportunity to try out the different options.

I played Dead Pets Unleashed, an adventure game about a demon girl in a struggling punk band. One of the devs was hanging out with this one and generally had a great vibe, joking about how almost nobody picked a certain option and suggesting the route that would get the most out of the demo.

The game uses a sidescrolling perspective with hand-drawn sprites. The art style is very consciously flat, its population of monster people allowing an impressive variety of colours. It broadly alternates between conversations with choices that adjust stats (e.g. +punk, -social) and a variety of minigames - there was a music minigame of course (the conceit being chasing away intrusive thoughts), but I also washed a dildo, constructed a hot dog, and waited tables. Generally it oozed style, absolutely nailing the punk vibe, and had a bunch of cute features like changing your character's outfit. You can play the same demo on Steam. I think this is one I might well get when the full release comes.

And then I played... a game I can't even find now! I really should have made a note or taken a picture or something. It was a kind of Amanita-like point and click game in which you play a tin can person, manipulating objects as you try to rescue your can dog, descending into a city made of cardboard boxes. The puzzles were occasionally a bit obtuse, but the cute style really carried it. The devs weren't on hand for this one, but they did have a wall where you could leave postit notes with your comments on the game, including one with a fairly essential hint for the first puzzle. It was called something like 'can world' or 'box world', but at this point, I can't find it anywhere. It's a shame because I thought it was neat.

That was all I had time for on Thursday: I zoomed off to another restaurant by the river to eat some more falafels. Someone let off some fireworks for some reason.

We started to make our way back, across the famous Hohenzollern Bridge, which is one of those bridges with a tradition that lovers will attach a padlock to the fence to symbolise how long their relationship will last.

At this point the padlocks have started to resemble kudzu, hanging down in strands of linked padlocks, or even growing up onto the superstructure of the bridge on chains. Questionable symbolism or not, it all makes for a fantastic textural effect, especially since it maintains the sheer density of padlocks for the entire length of the bridge.

While we were crossing, a boat passed under the bridge carrying some kind of a party. From a distance, all you could really see was a mass of glowsticks, and all you could hear was the ghost of the beat. It was a cool sight.

At this point I was pretty much completely exhausted so while there was some kind of industry party I definitely could not handle the crowds and walked home past the cathedral for an early night, eager to head in early to Gamescom tomorrow with a good night's sleep...

Friday: just like in my Bloodbornes, amirite gamers?

Predictably I overslept. Since I'd only get a few hours at Gamescom, I decided to visit the famous cathedral. I took that photo that I posted earlier, where somehow my little phone camera absolutely nailed the lighting, even if the cathedral is severely out of focus...

I headed inside the building too.

Cologne Cathedral (Kölner Dom) is a bit of an oddball, historically. While it wasn't uncommon for cathedral-building projects to last a century, after working on this thing from 1248–1560 they downed tools, leaving the city with a half-finished cathedral for about 300 years.

They had the front and back of a cathedral, with a big crane on the front part.

In the 1800s, the middle ages were in and the state decided it would be a good idea to have a big cathedral - both to make their new Catholic subjects happy and a symbol of THE NATION. After raising a stonking amount of money with one of the world's first NGOs, they built the rest of this thing, which briefly became the tallest building in the world. Hooray, said Emperor Wilhelm I. I love being a big strong nation with a big cathedral dick.

The cathedral survived the first world war, but got hit by a lot of bombs in the second - though the towers remained standing. After the war, they put it back up again. Now, it's a tourist attraction. Transsexual atheists can walk in and turn their phone to funny angles to try and capture the ceiling...

You can call this a Deutsch angle, because... ok whatever guys they can't all be winners.

They've got some old school Christian-style guro in here.

The interior is pretty cool: huge vaulted ceiling, massive stained glass. The stained glass unfortunately photographs really poorly on a phone, the colours washed out pretty much no matter what. They did have this funky ladder contraption, which I assume is probably used for maintaining/washing the windows...

After a little while in there I decided this was pretty neat but I'd go to Gamescom, to say goodbye to everyone and maybe get a glance at some of the mainstream game zones. As it turned out we had another demo lined up, so we went back to The Corner Near BHaptics and did the routine. This time the audience was mostly other VR devs so I got to have some nice technical discussion.

At last, I had about an hour before my train. I thought about exploring the indie game zone some more, but decided I should really at least take a glance through the other halls. What I discovered was... queues! Many many queues. And various elaborate dioramas.

Sometimes they had actors to go with them. I decided to include the people taking the photo because... I don't even know what I was going for with this one to be honest, it seems kind of banal.

Here's a queue of people waiting to play Rogue Trader, which boldly tells you it's the first(!) CRPG in the Warhammer 40,000 universe, hopefully not also the last. 'Warhammer CRPG' is a concept that 16-year-old Bryn would have gone completely insane about. 31-year-old Bryn was still a bit curious, but not enough to wait for a sitting down queue with less than an hour left at the con.

I didn't take a lot of photos of the Extremely Gamer Shit, but for a taster, this lady was DJing a set on something called the 'Leet Desk', which appears to be a desk with built in RGB lighting, billed as 'the desk for gamers', because we can no longer contain the rainbow puke. When I walked past, she was playing an EDM remix of a tune that I vaguely recognised from a movie or a game but couldn't place specifically, which felt about right. Maybe it was Skyrim?

A lot of people walked around with the Hoyoverse bag, Hoyoverse being the collective term for the games of Chinese developer miHoYo such as Genshin Impact and Honkai Impact. Their slogan was 'tech otakus save the world', which thanks to their cunning move of handing out large bags, was soon paraded all over the convention. I feel like the jury is still out on the impact (ha ha) of tech otakus on the world...

In the end, the last hour was spent briefly walking around to see the halls and then I left to say my goodbyes and hop back on the train. The journey back was totally straightforward. I finished reading my manga and drew some more train passengers, who were generally pretty happy to be drawn.

Cosplay

It's a con, there's gotta be cosplayers right? Sure enough, the crowd was peppered with stormtroopers, kitsune, army men, luffies and various spooky skull guys... I didn't get many photos but here's a couple.

Obligatory stormtroopers. Luckily, the inside of the con was airconditioned, those suits look toasty.

These three kindly stopped to pose for me. I don't know what game they're doing, Dead by Daylight maybe? DbD girls, tell me ^^'

This robot-girl cosplayer's costume is neat: when you look close you see it's made of old PC parts. Or at least the casings of them. I spotted a graphics card and an old VR headset. She also has built-in stilts so she towered over everyone, big respect. She was hanging out in the hall on Wednesday, so she might have been there in an official capacity, but I didn't get a chance to talk to her.

Observations of demographics and stuff

It's been a good long while since I've been to any sort of nerd convention. Mostly I've been to scifi/media fandom cons like Nine Worlds and Worldcon, or general nerd-shit cons like MCM Expo, and in the old old days, Warhammer cons like Game Day. But this event being specifically a gaming expo was pretty new to me.

Predictably the demographics skewed male (but not overwhelmingly) and white/East Asian (almost without exception). The various national organisations present were primarily European (which tracks for an event in Germany) but there were large stands e.g. promoting Korean game dev or the Guangzhao region of China. In the indie zone, there were a good handful of Japanese devs, and I spotted one game that was fully in JP. Here and there, you'd spot banners promoted other gaming expos - a lot in Europe, but also there is apparently a Gamescom Asia in Singapore, and a Tokyo Indie Games Summit which sounds pretty fun. By contrast, while I don't have any real stats to substantiate, I would say I saw very few organisations were promoting game devs from South America, Africa or Oceania.

Beyond that... this is very definitely a place for nerds, but there's a lot of different varieties of nerd you can be now. So sure, T-shirts with slogans and cargo shorts for many, but equally you could dress super goth, you could show off all your tattoos, you could go in your colourful coordinated kitsune cosplay or just wear some bright hair die. I'm confident I saw a few other girls from the isle of 🏳️‍⚧️, but 'hello I clocked you let's be friends' is not the best introduction even from another trans girl lmao - in general I didn't really talk to people besides the group I had arrived with. I think if I'd gone alone, it would not be the sort of con where you make a lot of friends, but who knows?

All in all, a solid adventure. I'll probably go again next year, if I can find somewhere cheaper to stay. I never did get to see the chocolate museum.

ok, story over - thanks for reading, nerd ;p

[jybyls]

Middle of the night || T.C

Masterlist

Request by anonymous here

Warnings: pure smut, g!p!reader, fingering, p in v, unprotected sex, edging ig, i think that's all

Words: 1.4k

- 📜🎧🍂 -

Tara's POV:

It's currently 3 a.m. and I've been awake for an hour now, I can't sleep for one really specific reason:

I'm horny.

I woke up at 2 a.m. after an erotic dream with my girlfriend, and now I can't get it out of my brain. I need her now, but I feel kinda guilty waking her up for this. She won't get that mad if I do wake here up, right ?

Ah, fuck it, she'll eventually forgive me.

“Hey, love, wake up.” I nudged her arm softly just enough to wake her up. “Baby ? What's wrong ?” Her eyes slowly opened, but she quickly sat up, analazing my body. I could read panic in her eyes, so I immediately calmed her down, not wanting her to think something bad happened.

“Don't worry, nothing bad happened, it's just... I'm horny.” I looked at her eyes, biting my lips waiting for her answer. She let out a small laugh as her body relaxed. She slightly shook her head before looking back up at me. “Oh my god. Are you serious ?” She asked still in disbelief that I woke up her because of my horniness, “Yes, very serious. I need you to fuck me, y/n. Please.” I could tell she was trying her best not to break the eyes contact, but she misserably failed and looked away.

However, my eyes didn't leave her face, only waiting for her to look back at me. When her eyes were back on mine, it took her a few seconds to breathe out her next words, “You're crazy, Tara.” She looked away once again, but this time, I held her chin with my fingers to make her look right back at me. Even with the darkness of the room, the only light being the moon reflection through our widow, I could still see how red she became, and I planned on making her redder.

“Then, fuck the craziness out of me.” I whisper in her ear, I couldn't help but smirk at her reaction. Her eyes widden and I could feel her face heating up on my fingertips.

Isn't it insane how someone can look this flustered, and yet that same person can take your ability to walk away ?

“So ? What do you say ?” I teased her a little more, which seemed to have unlocked something in her brain because she finally gave me an answer.

“I'm down.” Without missing a beat she got on top of me and kissed me, our tongues fought for dominance, but I eventually let her win (the woman has too much ego), her hands were rooming around my body quickly undressing me, leaving me with just in my panties. Her mouth left mine to press hot kisses all over my skin. I let out a breathy moan when I felt her mouth on my right breast, she was taking her time but my hunger was too big for her little games so I gripped her hair harshly to pull her more into me.

She moaned at the sudden action. Her moan was surprisly loud until I realised pushing her into me also made her bulge jerk against my thigh. She repositioned herself between my legs, and this time she started to grind against my still covered cunt, my hips instantly followed her mouvement. She switched from my right breast to the left one, giving it as much attention.

We were grinding against each other like dogs in heat. Our make-out session was initiated again after she left her marks everywhere her mouth went. I was starting to get impatiant, the need to feel her was becoming unbearable, I let my hand travel down inside her grey sweats pants, rubbing her through the fabric of her boxers, she instinctively jerked against my hand.

“Tara,” She breathed out, “let's stop the teasing, alright ?” For this once she looked straight in the eyes, lust and desire being the noly things I read in them, I can't resist to that look and she knows it.

“Alright.” I whispered, fuck she can be intimidating. She kept her eyes on mine as she slowly goes down to my private area, using her teeth to take my panties off. She carelessly throw them somewhere in the room before going back between my thighs, I could feel her hot breath on my clit, making me shiver under her. She didn't waste any more time and started attacking my clit, sucking, biting, nipping, kissing it, she was already starting to abuse my pussy within 10 seconds of her mouth on it. Her eyes never left mine during the entire process until now her focused was fully on my swollen cunt.

Not that I'm complaining.

She pushed my thighs higher to have better access to my entrance. She suddenly slammed two fingers inside of me, I screamed out her name but hushed myself up with my palm. Her fingers were moving with a rentless pace inside of me, her mouth was still sucking my clit like it was her last meal.

“Fuck you taste so good, love” She hummed into my pussy, I couldn't even process what she said my mind was too lost in pleasure to even care.

“Fuck, yes, keep going, baby !” I moaned out, she went harder, so much harder the bed started to move with me. I was getting close, my back arched off the matress of the bed, my walls squeezed her fingers thighly, my eyes rolled to the back of my head, my body started to shake but she pulled out before I could cum. Leaving me confused and frustered.

“What the fuck, Y/n ?” I asked, clearly annoyed. She didn't answer the way I expected her too, she just passoniatly kissed me. I obvsiouly kissed her back until I felt something streching me out deliciously. That definitly wasn't her fingers. She swallowed my moans before disconnecting our lips, “Satisfied now ?” She asked breathing as heavily as me. “Yeah, ve- very.” I whined as she went faster not really letting me give her a proper answer.

She buried her face in my neck, and she grunt next to my ear, which turned me on more if that's even possible. Her groans turned into moans when my walls wrapped her length tightly. My nails digged into her shoulders, her cock twitched as she whined quietly. She held herself up with her hands on my hips, the new angle gave her a chance to go harder and she didn't miss that chance. I wanted to hold into something as I started to sob soflty. I tired to keep my arms on her shoulders but her thrust were too powerfull for me to keep my arms there, so instead I held her hands the best I could.

“Oh god, Tara, you feel so good, love.” I heard her groan out. My only answer was a moan, but that was apparently enough for her because she went faster, causing me to moan louder, which I guess woke up the neighbourhoods. None of us give a fuck though.

“Fuck ! Yes, keep going, baby.” I was getting close, I know she was too. I could feel her dick throbbing inside of me, her thrust became irregular, but deeper.

“Tar, I'm close.” Her right hand moved next to my head. Her other hand was holding the back of my thigh because my legs were slowly giving up the hold they had around her waist.

“Me too, babe, 'm gonna cum.” And with that we came together, moaning if not screaming each other's name. Her thrust slowed down, she softly kissed me to distract me from pulling out of me. I whined at the emptiness. “Wait here a sec.” She pecked my lips before getting up, I smiled to myself like an idiot looking at her.

She came back with a wet towel and glass of water, and she gently cleaned me up, kissing my thigh as she did it. I patted her hair, smiling down at her. She smiled back at me, coming up to me kissing me with pure tenderness. She pulled back to hand me the glass of water, then looked at me like a lost baby.

I laughed at her face and cupped her cheek. “In the first drawer, baby.” She opened the drawer I was mentioning and took my birth control pills, I hummed a small 'thank you' as I swallowed the pill.

She helped me get under our blanket, and she pulled me closed to her to kiss my nose. I giggled at her action before doing the same to her. “I love you.” I mumbled, “I love you too. Good night, sweatheart.” She whispred.

I closed my eyes, satisfied that I got what I wanted. I quickly fell asleep with a content smile on my face.

I'll wake her up in the middle of the night more often.

- 📜🎧🍂 -

I think that's the first time I've written a g!p!reader. What are we thinking gays ?

Have a good day/night. Love ya <33

[dreamypjm]

ABOVE | Park Jimin

-> Chapter Index <-

Chapter 4 - "get out of my head"

word count: 1.1k

"Y/N.. HEY, Y/N!? YOU THERE?"

Someone taps on my shoulder.

I got so scared, I jumped and threw the money which was still in my hand all over the counter.

Me: "Woah, you scared me!"

My co-worker looks at me with big eyes and starts to laugh out.

Co-worker: "You should see your face right now HAHAHA"

Me: "funny.."

I start collecting the money from the counter. After I picked it all up, I look back outside but Jimin is gone. I really hope he didn't see what just happened, I embarrassed myself too many times infront of him already in that short time..

I don't know why I even care.. yeah, he didn't tell my co-worker his name but maybe just cause he thought I already wrote it down.

Wait, is that jealousy..?

I realise I didn't write his name down anywhere... should I?

Instead of writing it into our customers book, I take the crumpled note with his number on it out of my pocket and start typing into my phone..

"Jimin, iced americano"

I saved his number in my contacts just like that.

...

The rest of the day has been peaceful.

I caught myself thinking about Jimin a few times.

The picture of him standing there in the sunlight is stuck on my mind.

If someone ever asked me how I think angels look like if they existed.. he would be my answer. Not just the way he looked but the energy and aura he was surrounded by in that moment..

Angelic. Ethereal.

Wow, I should calm down.

It's always been like that. Since I'm able to think I've been putting too many thoughts into simple situations or things.

Maybe that's one of the reasons I prefer to be alone instead of surrounded by people.

My thoughts drift away..

I'm wondering if he'll come back to this place.. maybe tomorrow?

It's pretty late, my co-worker already left a while ago and I'm about to leave aswell. I already cleaned everything up and walk towards the door.

I stop and turn around, looking at our menu.

Mhm..

Jimin was right.

None of the coffee shops I know in this area offer iced americano.

I take a pen out of my bag and walk towards the menu.

I start writing...

"Iced Americano - 2.50"

I put the pen down, grab my phone and take a quick photo of the menu.

While looking at it I tell myself I did that to expand our coffee shop's horizon by going with new trends. Yeah, definitely.

I stare at the menu.

I know exactly what the real reason was.

Am I really hoping for him to come back here just because we offer iced americano now?

I need to stop thinking about him since he already makes my mind go crazy over nothing.

My head hurts. Agh, yeah.. the headache.

I remember not having any complaints for some moments today and start wondering about it.

Was it him..?

Jimin?

Maybe the reason something inside me is craving his presence is that for that short time he's been here, talking to me and spreading his energy, I didn't feel any pain.

Until I started doubting his intentions.

The pain gets even worse when I start overthinking him and his behaviour in a negative way.

What if the difference I saw in him wasn't something good at all?

It could have been my intuition telling me to take extra care cause something about him seemed off.

But what if he's good for me?

However.. I turn around, walk out of the coffee shop and lock the door behind me.

...

A while later at home, I'm laying on my bed, cuddled up in my blanket and listening to some music.

I scroll through my phone and end up on Jimin's contact.

I giggle as I read the name.. Jimin, iced americano.

Should I text him?

No, that'd be way too weird just now. And first of all I should try to make my mind up over what I really want.

I put my phone down after setting an alarm for the next morning and close my eyes trying to sleep.

My head is aching like hell right now, how am I supposed to rest like that?

I start rolling around in bed trying to find a comfortable position.

Laying straight on my back, I put my left hand on my head and seem to fall asleep a little while later.

...

I feel something gently brush my head like soft touch. A strand of my hair falls into my face tickling my nose.

Is someone petting my head? At least it feels like that.

"..wake up"

I dozy open my eyes as I heard someone slightly asking me to wake up.

I turn my head to the left side, looking at a blurry shape of a person sitting there, stroking my head with its hand.

I can't move.

Trying to identify what or who it is I squeeze my eyes together, focusing on the upper half of the shape.

My heart almost stops when I finally got a focus.

I hold my breathe in.

A pair of shining brown eyes are looking at me with an unbelievable warm glance.

My eyes start to wander down the face, over the pale skin towards plump, rose lips on which my gaze stops.

Those lips are..

WAIT -

Ji-Jimin??

I jump up, now sitting on my bed.

My heart is thumping against my chest while I'm trying to find my phone to turn on its flashlight.

Everything is blurry.

When I finally managed to turn it on I close my eyes and for a minute I sit there not moving at all.

I slowly open my eyes again, looking to my left where I thought to see Jimin seconds ago.

Nothing.

Nobody's there.

Trying to calm myself down, I close my eyes again and take a deep breathe.

What the hell was that?

I come back to reality, hold my phone close to my face and try to read the time.

2:56 AM, 3rd April

I put my phone down, let myself fall backwards into the fluffy pillow and pull the blanket over my face.

I've experienced sleep paralysis before but THIS felt totally different.

It felt kinda safe instead of frightening.

I mean.. yeah I almost had a heartattack but just because I didn't expect to see that guy JIMIN next to me, who's still a total stranger to me.

I must have been dreaming but.. I really felt something on my head earlier.

Looking for a logical explanation I remember the position I fell asleep in earlier.

My own hand on my head.. ahh.. that must have been it.

My fantasies can really drive me crazy sometimes.

"Get out of my head.."

...

[muselin]

See You Later - Part 1

Who: Beomgyu

Group: TXT

What: Beomgyu/f!reader, collegeAU, slow burn, eventual smut, college student!Gyu, model!Gyu

Word count: 2,238

A/N: this is for @bluekais ❤ Hope you enjoy! Sorry that it's taken so long! There will be a Part 2 coming but I got myself elbows-deep into Kinktober so might take a while as well 🎃

____________________________________

"Tch."

The dissatisfied noise leaving your lips had become habit by now. Just his presence annoyed you, but the fact that he had the nerve to show up late to class almost every time, carrying that stupid skateboard, made your blood boil a little bit. He never studied, never did the assignments, always showed up late and he was still somehow passing this class. This class that you had worked so hard to get into and had to keep working so hard to stay in. It didn't come naturally to you but it did to him and it made you green with envy.

"Ah, Beomgyu-ssi, how kind of you to join us," your professor quipped sarcastically as Beomgyu beamed a smile that was frustratingly charming and headed for the only empty space in the auditorium which, to your displeasure, happened to be next to you.

You didn't acknowledge each other as you continued scribbling furiously into your notebook while Beomgyu sat with his chin leaned on his hand. You noticed that he hadn't taken out anything to write with.

"Now I will hand out your assignments for the next lecture. Remember we have study week, so you will have one week to complete these. Please remain in your seats as you are now."

Your professor proceeded to hand out stacks of papers and you couldn't help noticing that he was handing only one stack for every two students. He was making his way down your row and dropped off an assignment right between you and Beomgyu.

"I can hold it for us," Beomgyu smiled pleasantly as he looked over to you, seemingly unaffected by your sour expression. As the two of you read the instructions for the music production assignment, Beomgyu would stop and mutter to himself every once in a while: "Hmm, I already have a bass guitar for this," "This would be very easy to add a snare to," "I just need vocals and someone to match the drum line to this".

"Alright, everyone ready?" The auditorium hummed with mumbled "yes"es.

"Good," your professor continued, "you will be doing the assignment in pairs, in the order that I've handed the assignments out to you".

You groaned inwardly, noticing yours and Beomgyu's names at the bottom right corner of the cover page.

"Class dismissed!"

You were unsure what to do. You'd have to spend quite a lot of time with Beomgyu to finish this but you didn't have his number and you didn't even know which dorm he was in. Before you could open your mouth to ask Beomgyu when you should meet up, he was getting up and slinging his backpack over his shoulder.

"See you later, Y/N," his voice laced with his regional dialect reached you as an afterthought.

"Tch. Fuck you too, Choi," you muttered.

___________________

It had been four days since you last saw Beomgyu and you were getting nervous. You had started the assignment early and done as much as you could do. You hated to admit it but you really did need him for this. You had worked out a base melody but it was too bare and uninteresting and you knew from hearing him talk to himself that he knew a lot of elements which could add flare and points to the assignment. You hunched over your laptop, browsing the music library. Begrudgingly, at 10 p.m. on a Tuesday, you decided to email him through the university central email list.

### 22:01 ###  Hi Beomgyu, it's Y/N, your partner for the music production assignment. I've thrown some things together but we need to meet to do the rest. I realised I didn't have your number or your dorm address, let me know when we can meet up. ###

You waited for a while after pressing send, just in case he was on his emails right now. At midnight you gave up and went to sleep.

### 03:44 ### Hi! Sorry about that! Can you bring what you have over to mine at about noon tomorrow? Here's the postcode ###

You woke up to the reply from Beomgyu and nearly panicked that you would be late. He didn't live close by at all, the post code seemed to be for a swanky area of newly built apartments downtown, miles away from your suburban campus.

You showered and dressed as quickly as possible. You weren't dressing up for anyone. Jeans, sneakers and a flannel shirt was all Beomgyu was getting from you. You grabbed your laptop and equipment and headed out the door.

________________

At 11:55, you knocked on Beomgyu's door. He lived on the 13th floor and on the elevator up to his apartment you hoped to whoever would listen that this wouldn't turn out to be as unlucky as the out-of-order sign on the second elevator.

The front door clicked and opened to reveal a somewhat sleepy Beomgyu, dressed in a tshirt and pyjama bottoms.

"Oh, Y/N, you're early," he said, then looked at his watch. You found this ironic, considering he never showed up to class on time.

"Well, not by much. Can I come in?"

"Sure," he said, opening the front door widely for you to walk in past him. "I'll make coffee," he yawned.

As you walked past him you couldn't help but note in your head that he smelled really good. You weren't sure if it was his cologne or laundry but it was the kind that settled pleasantly in your chest and made you want to breathe in deeper. You stopped that train of thought harshly as soon as you felt your mind drift that way. You were perfectly happy with feeling generally mildly annoyed with Beomgyu. It was your comfort zone, even if having to work with him was pushing it.

"So how come you don't live on camp-- Wow..."

Your jaw dropped as you walked into the apartment. It was nothing like the cramped dorm rooms you and your friends shared on campus. It was bright, spacious and well-decorated, with huge windows and a view that rivaled the best hotels in the business district.

"How the fuck are you affording this," the words tumbled out of you with little grace before you could stop them.

"Well, since you ask, I work a lot of side jobs," Beomgyu said nonchalantly as he poured water into the kettle in the open-plan kitchen.

"Really? What do you do?"

"Uhm...," he scratched his neck sheepishly, "at the moment I model."

"You? You model?"

"Yeah, why," he tilted his head at you, looking at you quizzically.

Those big brown eyes, the soft curves of his lips, his chiseled jawline... And his hair looked really soft too. Suddenly from thinking nothing of him you were imagining him as a model. You wondered what he modeled for. Could it be fashion brands? Lifestyle? Prints? Maybe even swimsuits? He always wore those baggy jeans and t-shirts, but maybe...

"Y/N?"

"Oh," you snapped back to him, realising you hadn't answered him. "Yeah I just... didn't know, that's all."

"Uhm, cool. Why don't you drop your stuff off in the room down the hall, the one on the left?"

You nodded and picked up your laptop bag and equipment, your feet sinking into the plush carpet as you padded down the hall. You nudged open the door to the room he'd pointed you to, jaw dropping again for the second time today as you walked in.

The room was a small makeshift studio, with mics, a sound control board and several guitars. Several notepads were strewn about along with a few used coffee mugs and muffin wrappers. It seemed to be the most lived-in space of Beomgyu's house so far and you were suddenly starting to understand why he never seemed to pay much attention to the classes. You dropped your bags off in the corner and sat down at his computer, looking at the various pieces of equipment connected to it.

"How do you like your coffee?"

You nearly jumped out of your skin when you heard Beomgyu's pleasant voice reverberate in the room. You hadn't heard him come in after you. Covering up your startled reaction, you mumbled your preference and he returned shortly with two steaming mugs, setting them down on his desk.

"Um, so... For this assignment I've tried layering the melodies but it's very bare. I thought we could use it as a starting point and build on it," you said, trying to sound more businesslike.

"That's good, thanks. I actually don't have a lot of time so a head start would be good. I have an hour now but then I need to head out."

Your brow furrowed. An hour? It had taken you three days to put together what you had so far.

"Let's see what you've got," Beomgyu reached for the USB stick in your hands and plugged it into his computer. He downloaded the files and ran them.

An unobtrusive melody filled the small studio. He listened politely, head tilted to one side until it faded out.

"Um... Yeah, I don't play guitar so I wasn't sure what would sound good with that," you started, hands playing with the edges of your shirt nervously. You hated feeling incompetent, especially in front of Beomgyu.

"Yeah, no offence, but it does need a lot more than that," he said. "Let's see what I can do with that."

You sat in your chair and watched him plug one of his guitars into the amp behind you. He tuned it according to the scales in your melody and started to play along.

"Nana naaa," he hummed along quietly. "I don't know about that bar, what do you think," he asked you.

"It's not bad but I think it can go for longer," you replied. Beomgyu nodded, stopping the recording and starting again.

You watched him get lost in his own world as the notes coming from his guitar breathed life into your melody. You watched his fingers strum and pluck, watched his lips open and close in concentration, occasionally the lower one being worried by his teeth. You watched his long hair fall into his face. You simply watched Beomgyu in his zone, not noticing when he stopped playing.

"Y/N?"

Your eyes focused and met his deep brown ones, your lips tensing as you tried to seem attentive.

"Yeah? Yeah, that was good, let's add that in," you spoke quickly.

"Cool," Beomgyu then stood up and reached behind you to switch off the amp. You couldn't stop yourself from breathing in again when his chest and neck nearly brushed across your face. His warm hand dropped to your shoulder, giving you a casual pat.

"Why don't you sit at the computer and keep replaying the recoding while I write down the chords," he suggested.

"Okay, sure," you stood up in the cramped space and there was barely room for you two to switch places. Beomgyu's hands instinctively came up to your waist to steady you as he brushed past you. Your breath hitched but you said nothing as you sat down at his desk and started the recording.

Your combined melody filled the small room and you found yourself nodding along. You hated to admit it but you liked it much more with Beomgyu's additions. You played it several times while he wrote down the chords.

"Right, awesome," he drawled in his dialect after he was finished. "I have to get dressed and head out now, but if you want we can meet up again later today. I won't be done until quite late but I sleep late anyway."

"How late are we talking," you asked suspiciously.

"I would be done about 11, we could meet back here," Beomgyu offered.

You hesitated for a second. It was a lot later than what you considered acceptable but at the same time you didn't trust Beomgyu. You weren't sure you would get any more time out of him than this.

"Okay, deal. Message me when you're done and I'll head over."

"Cool, here's my number," Beomgyu grabbed your phone to type his own number in and called himself. "You okay to let yourself out?"

He left the studio and went into the room across, which you guessed was probably his bedroom. You copied the new files onto your USB before you packed up your things and left the studio as well. On the way you saw that Beomgyu's bedroom door was ajar. You saw him standing with his back to the door as he was pulling his t-shirt over his head. Your lips tensed into a line as you tried to not to make any noise and not even to breathe.

"Yeah, I'm good."

"See you later, Y/N."

You stood frozen in place as your eyes traced the lines of his back muscles to his pretty shoulders, not missing his toned arms flexing as he reached up to push the t-shirt over his head. Your gaze trailed back down his body to his hips where his bottoms were slung low, exposing the two cute dimples at his lower back. He didn't look like he was wearing anything underneath.

Beomgyu dropped his shirt to the floor and you suddenly darted down the corridor, panicked that he would turn around and see you. His bottoms dropped down just as he heard his front door open and shut.

[vivisextion]

I first saw Slipknot at age 14.

No one knows how I managed it. I'm not sure I even remember. These days, you have to be 16 or 18 to get into Standing areas. I do know I had to buy tickets on the phone, back in the old days (2005, that is). A singular ticket, too - none of my friends, not even the classmate who had gone with me to see Linkin Park the year before, was that into Slipknot.

But I HAD to see them. This was the Subliminal Verses tour cycle, and Vol. 3 was my first and favourite Slipknot album, even to this day. It's the reliable old warm blanket for my soul whenever I need it. It's on right now, as I write this.

My memory isn't that good, but luckily I unearthed a livejournal (livejournal!) diary entry about the event I made the next day.

August 16, 2005. I went right after school. I went to a very conservative Anglican secondary school, too. I tried not to get caught in the bathroom, as I coloured my nails black with permanent marker (I know, don't laugh) and changed into my standard metalhead baby outfit - Slipknot band shirt, black cargo shorts, and my pride and joy: steel-toe boots I somehow managed to cajole my parents into letting me own.

I caught the bus to the open-air war memorial park where the gig was going to be. I got there at 4pm, 4 hours early. A couple other maggots were already hanging around. I found myself surrounded by tombstones, and I read them all. It was the middle of the Hungry Ghost Festival, too - a very fitting time for Slipknot to pay a visit to this godforsaken hellhole of a small town I lived in. (Especially given the paranormal circumstances surrounding the making of Vol. 3.)

While I wandered around the venue (no security or sound guys were around at all), I spotted two white vans pull up to the stage, in the middle of a clearing. It was them! I spotted Joey and missed him by a hair's breadth. I was quickly ushered behind the stone archway entrance by security then.

(Funnily enough, while walking around, I got mistaken for Joey more than once. I am the same height as him, had the same long black hair, same pale skin, and was wearing almost exactly what he had been. One person claimed from behind, I was a dead ringer, apart from when I turned around, and they realised I was Chinese.)

It was soundcheck time. A sound guy testing the mics would say random things, like "testing one two three two one.... fudge fudge, I like fudge...." The band even did Purity, so us earlybirds were given a rare treat, and we screamed along from the entrance, and drummed our fists on the sides of nearby porta-potties. I hope no one was in there at the time. Whenever we got a glance of any of them, we'd scream and cheer. Finally they left again, but were soon to return.

This was the first time I'd been a part of the metal community. I was barely allowed internet in those days. But here, random strangers were friendly, striking up conversations like they'd been friends for years. Two big guys, called Trevor and Ted, looked out for me the entire gig after, keeping other big dudes from crushing me too much (I'm 5'3, remember). Other people commented on me being so baby, because I was only 14, and said they would take care of me.

When we were finally let in, right after the usher cut the rope, I ran in, screamed "WOOOHOOO!" along with a few friends I'd made. I only briefly stopped to receive this RoadRunner Records compilation CD from a roadie, then resumed running like a madman screaming and dashing into the VIP cage.

I was right up against the barricade - the first time I would ever be at a gig. People from assorted magazines and press took photos of us, and I think I got my photo taken about 10 times at least.

(This is how I got in trouble with my parents the next day. My photo had ended up in a local paper - you can see examples of that here. They had no idea what I'd been to see the night before, and were horrified when they saw what Slipknot looked like.)

We saw Sid filming us from the stage with a camcorder and screamed at him. We saw Jim and screamed at him too, and he flashed the victory sign back at us. I remember Metallica playing at the time, another one of my favourite bands.

The concert was a brutal religious experience I will never forget. People with their arms outstretched, crying and screaming out loud, moving like the devil possessed them.

The new friends around me made sure I was alright after every song! There were huge guys fainting behind us who had to get carried out, but I endured, a tiny 14 year old child. We got a family speech as per tradition, of course. "Are you guys out there all looking out for each other? We're all one big family, and we gotta look out for each other." What Corey said held true - strangers hugged, shook hands, talked, and made friends. I was heartened by how close-knit the maggot community was. It really did feel like a family, and it's felt like that ever since.

Of course, I did my first Jump The Fuck Up. It is possibly the most euphoria I've ever experienced all at one go. (Later, in 2020, I was extremely disappointed that I didn't get to do it again in London.)

They did the death masks for Vermilion, and I remember Chris helping Sid fix his mask and shirt when they'd changed back. Sid hung out near Clown's drums for most of the time too, and hugged him from behind and just latched on at one point. It was pretty adorable.

Fun fact: The version of Eyeless you hear on the 9.0 Live album is from Singapore, as is Eeyore. There are very few photos and videos from the crowd of this gig, because in 2005, very few people had camera phones. The crowd at the Slipknot gig in 2020 was a sea of arms with phones, filming the gig rather than experiencing it. Yes, I'm going to be that cranky old geezer who complains about the good old days.

Joey as usual, was fucking amazing and never failed. However, due to the fact that I was right up front, only his tiny head was visible behind his vast drum set, I couldn't see him the entire gig.

Amazingly, the government told Slipknot they were not allowed to do obscene gestures, curse, vomit (possibly due to the decomposing crow pre-show ritual), simulate humping on objects, throw faeces, or jump off stage (looking at you, Sid). I don't think our totalitarian government knew who they were dealing with, because watch what happens next.

Near the end of the gig, Corey tells the crowd “your government has given us a laundry list of things we aren’t allowed to do, your government has told us we are not allowed to swear”. Crowd goes “BOOOOOOOOO” and Corey goes “BUT WE DON’T GIVE A FUCK!!” And they launch into Surfacing, the last song. Everyone riots. Best night of my life.

You can find the setlist from that gig here. It had everything I wanted and more.

This story later got immortalised when Kerrang asked maggots for gig stories, for an article which came out in 2020. I had forgotten entirely, until people began messaging me to tell me, and one friend sent me a scan of it!

On the way out, I managed to get a shirt. I remember calling my best friend at the time, and got everyone at the merch booth to go "IF YOU'RE 555 THEN I'M 666" for her. This shirt has since been lost to the landfill, because my Christian mother took it upon herself to dispose of it the first opportunity she got. Needless to say, our relationship is not very good.

After that, I even managed to get that Roadrunner compilation album they were giving out signed. The band was staying at the Carlton. Unfortunately, Joey wasn't there, neither was Clown, and Mick was swarmed by guitar nerds so, 6/9 it is. It is a great regret of mine that I'll never have anything signed by him, nor will I ever get to see him perform ever again.

The next day, I went to school, my head swimming. Yes, I went to see Slipknot ON A SCHOOL NIGHT. I was a giant bruise, from my ribs and my chest, to my hips and knees, from being slammed into the barricade like a screen door in a hurricane. Most of all, my sore, headbanged-out neck could barely hold my head up. Classmates thought I had been in a fight. I was torn between battle-scarred exhaustion and hyperactive ranting about the most amazing gig of my short life (it still is, to this day). When teachers spoke to me, I wanted to reply, "Fuck trigonometry! I've just seen SLIPKNOT. Do you not understand that my world is different? Do you not understand that *I* am now different?"

My country was a small, conservative town that Slipknot had graced with their unholy presence. Corey Taylor once said that where he grew up in Iowa had a way of making a 16 year old boy feel like a 36 year old man (or something to that effect). I felt that in my weary bones as a teenager, being from a place just like that. Years later, Watain would run into worse trouble, and wouldn't even be allowed to perform. The Christian stranglehold is stronger than ever. It was a good thing that back then Slipknot had the element of surprise, striking serpent-fast and choking this society by the neck for a too-brief time, before they departed.

After that, my desire to play the drums only grew like a weed. Joey Jordison had, has, and will always inspire me as a drummer, and seeing the beast live (or what little I could spy behind the massive riser) had only spurred me on. I had always been a noisemaker, be it driving my parents mad with chopsticks on pots and pans, or driving my teachers mad with pencils on my desk. But of course, my parents wouldn't have any of it. I'd have to wait a good 14 more years before I'd be able to afford lessons and later, a kit of my own. Better late than never, right?

There will never be enough words to describe the impact Joey has had on my life. And it isn't just Slipknot, either. I could write another essay on his time with the Murderdolls and its influence on my own gender-non-conforming ways. Suffice to say, my wardrobe doesn't look too dissimilar to his during the early Dead in Hollywood days.

I told my boss I could not come into work today. I was grieving. I said that my music teacher died, as I didn't think she'd understand the magnitude of my loss. In a way, it's true. And I am not the only one Joey has nudged on the path to being a musician, that much is certain. To the rest of us, I wish strength and love for you in this difficult time. The best way to honour Joey, who truly loved music, both the creation and appreciation of it, is to pass that gift on. Teach it to someone. He is the reason I picked up the sticks in the first place, and one day, they'll be handed on, the heavy metal baton for the next generation.

And finally: remember that the ones we have lost are never truly gone.

Vinnie

P.S. See if you can spot me in the crowd photos in this post!

[justasimplesinner]

Ooooooo bro I've been saving this one for the longest time. Ok so we can all agree that mof crane probably didn't go to his senior prom and probably felt like shit because he didn't feel like anyone really cared about him right? What if a friend/admirer of his (i.e. the reader) he had mutual feelings for asked to hang out on prom night but told him to dress nicely and meet them by the cornfield. He's having doubts cause of the whole Sherry thing but he meets them there anyway, he's gonna comment on how pretty/handsome they look but they're literally so excited they just grab his hand and drag him through the cornstalks. He's getting real sus after a good 5 minutes of walking and is about to pull his hand away until they arrive at a clearing where they have a radio set up to play slow music, a picnic blanket, a few soda bottles filled with wisky that they may or may not have obtained from another student during class, and a balloon held down by a stack of books they've been dying to share with him. They dance, they get a little tipsy, they laugh, he gets a well deserved smooch or two, then they read under the stars together till they fall asleep cuddling.

Please 🙏.

i so fucking wanted to turn this into a fic but i'd just turn it into 30k words of jon's emotional turmoil and never finish it, so have this instead and keep it in mind that my heart has genuinely melted while writing this and i squeezed out every last bit of fluff it had

Masters of Fear!Jon's dream prom night hcs:

when you tell him to meet you by the cornfields on prom night, he's... conflicted. for two main reasons. one obviously being his trauma after the humiliation Sherry put him through the one time he got his courage to ask someone for a date, and two - this was the night of his revenge. he hasn't told you about this, but this was the night his plans were supposed to come to fruition. this was supposed to be the night he first donned the scarecrow costume, the night that would turn his whole life around. but you... you were his friend. he didn't remember a time when you weren't. you were always there. you were there for him every time got bullied, beaten or humiliated. you were there for his misplaced infatuation with Sherry and you were there to comfort him after he had a head-on collision with reality. and now, you were there for his prom night, despite him not having the courage to actually ask you to go with him. and maybe, just maybe... revenge could wait. maybe he should repay you for going through the trouble (and it was a trouble) of befriending him and staying by his side. so he accepted

you told him to dress nicely, so he did, to the best of his abilities. he donned a brown suit, the only one he had that was supposed to be for his prom and that was just slightly too small. it was the smartest garment he owned and he almost liked how it looked, how it made him seem more serious, more intelligent, but when he saw you... he truly felt like a servant in the presence of royalty. "nicely" wasn't anywhere near to how you looked. you were breathtaking. absolutely fucking breathtaking, to the point where the air actually got stuck in his lungs when he looked at you. thousands of thoughts were running through his head. you were so beautiful. why didn't he ask you to prom? why did he waste his only chance to do something with what you two had? the suspicions as to why exactly were you so dolled up by a cornfield were muffled by his absolute admiration for you as well as that slight self-hatred that accompanied him wherever he went

and then, you complimented him. it wasn't the first time, you were always so supportive of him, but this time it... hit different. it wasn't anything out of the ordinary, not like you haven't called him handsome before, but suddenly he found himself tongue-tied. the best he could muster back was a stuttering "you too", but before he blinked you were already grabbing his hand and rushing him through the cornfields, claiming that you had a 'surprise'. and after his experiences, Jon wholeheartedly despised surprises

there was a battle going through his head because honestly, where the fuck were you taking him, why were you two tearing through a cornfield? what, because he looks like a scarecrow? was it another joke? you were never once mean to him, but at this point, who fucking knew? but also, you were holding his hand. you laced your fingers and squeezed and pulled and your thumb kept rubbing over his skin in almost a soothing manner and you held his hand-

"(y/n), please-" he didn't even know what he was asking of you, all he knew was that he was scared and your hand was both the reason for it and his only source of comfort, but he shut his mouth the second you pulled him into a small clearing and he was faced with... a dream, really. you took care of... everything. you laid down a huge blanket with some light pillows to make it more comfy, homemade snacks, drinks, alcohol, a god damned radio with both your favourites on, a small stack of books with balloons-

he was speechless. completely, utterly speechless. you were talking like it was nothing, how you took the CDs from your home that he liked, how you baked those muffins he always immensly enjoyed, how you sneakily bought whiskey with the help of your older friends, how you brought the books you were just dying to read with him, how you fucking made your own private prom for you two to enjoy in peace, and said it like it wasn't a big deal. and he... brought you nothing. not even flowers. he should've gotten you flowers, like any man would. you made all this and he was just standing there like a fucking idiot, with his hands empty, and he dared to doubt you after everything you two have been through-

but you didn't let him wallow in his self-doubt, instead pulling him down, deciding to start the fun. you sat there, side by side, with you pouring the drinks, munching on snacks, discussing books, laughing and joking around with some music in the background. Jon has spent some amazing moments with you, from skipping school to go to the lake to going on trips with you and your parents to places he never thought he'd visit, but this felt... special. that night, he felt happier. he felt like it meant more

he didn't expect that slow love song he was fond of to play, nor you offering to dance. well, offering might be an understatement. if you offered, that dumbass would've probably refuse out of sheer embarassment and bashfulness. you pulled him up and decided to lead him to the "dance floor" (i.e. area around the blanket), leaving him no room to refuse. yet again, not the first time you two danced together without a care in the world, but the first time it felt so... intimate. you were so close, closer than ever before. you held him so gently, you smiled so brightly and he was so captivated he stumbled over his own feet more than once, but it was all perfect. your chest pressed up against his and then soon enough, your head leaning on his shoulder felt so... right. like you were meant to fit against him, like his arms were meant to hold onto you like this. at the same time his heart tried to beat out of his chest but his mind was an oasis of peace. he felt both nervous and at ease, his face hesitantly nuzzling into you, arms tightening around your body, pulling you so close not even paper could fit in-between you two

it's like he finally realised that what he always wanted was right under his nose all along. that all that time, the only thing he craved was being with you like this. at last, he could understand why his heart always sped up and why he dreamed of you so often. this was way different than the "thing" he had for Sherry. way stronger, way more sincere. he felt more deserving of Sherry than he did of you, like she was closer in his reach than you because you were always so kind to him, because you always cared and he felt like he had no right to ruin what you two had. with Sherry, he had nothing, it was easier to project onto her because he couldn't have you. and all that time, he was unconsciously complicating his own life instead of just... trying to reach for you

he felt like he got really far with you that night, like it was already a big step forward and that maybe, someday, you'd consider something... more. he didn't expect you to kiss him right then and there. he didn't expect you to slowly lift your head from his shoulder and dive right in with only a quick glance into his eyes. suddenly, the whole world stopped, along with his heart. suddenly, the world didn't exist, there wasn't a single thought of Bo, Sherry or his revenge, there was only you. you and your perfect lips moving against his own and your perfect hands cupping his cheek and tangling in his hair. he didn't expect an embarassing mewl to escape the back of his throat but if anything, you didn't seem to mind, only pulling him closer, letting him feel all of you

the kiss was messy, almost awkward, but Jon has never felt anything as divine as your plush lips moving against his chapped ones, your tongue slowly sliding into his mouth, guiding him, showing him what love really felt like. he really didn't know when his arms embraced you tight enough to feel your every move against his body, but it felt right. it felt right to have you this close and to kiss you like this. it felt like this was where he belonged

he needed air, but he needed you more and he couldn't just stop, if it wasn't for you finally pulling away, he might've suffocated on the spot. when he leaned back, his chest was heaving and his lips tingling, but he didn't let you go. it's like... he couldn't. you looked into his eyes, hell, right into his soul and for the first time in his life, he had no doubt. surprisingly, he felt no fear crawling up his spine that he just fucked up, he felt no anxiety that he ruined what you two had. the only thing he felt was the need to kiss you again. and then again and again until he could no more

the rest of that night was filled with cuddles, kisses, alcohol and laughter. with talking until the early hours of the morning, with you comfortably between his legs and him wrapped around you like a blanket. that night ended with his shaky, whispered "i love you" and long, meaningful kisses from you which were quickly becoming his new addiction as you two finally parted ways, only to meet again the next day, and then the next and so on. and maybe none of you knew that, but you saved him that day. saved him from a fate he was not entirely ready for. from a life of crime and pain and severe trauma

[somersetmummy]

(A/N) This is a TNA one shot, taking place immediately following book 1 chapter 12 (the gala balcony scene). Characters, some storyline and some dialogue property of Pixelberry.

Story told from point of view of MC Katie Hide. Internal character thoughts are written in italics.

I tried to think about how they would get through the rest of the gala after their little extra curricular activities on the balcony….so here it is!

Original characters: Katie Hide (MC), Sam Dalton, Vivienne Dalton, Mason Sr Dalton, Carter

New characters: Laney, Ryan

Content warning: Some light adult language

Summary: Nanny Katie Hide and her boss Sam Dalton finally take their relationship to the next step on the night of the gala, but just when they should be feeling elated, things spiral quickly. Can they get through the rest of the evening together now that things have changed for good?

Word count: 3462 (I’m out of control!)

- Bonus social edits at the end -

Alone on the balcony, looking out over the city's twinkling lights, she should've been basking in the afterglow of the best sex of her life but instead she feels empty. Her resolve held strong in front of Sam as he skulked off seemingly full of regret but now, her mind races through every minute detail of what had just happened.

Instead of taking the time to carefully ingrain every delicious detail of their time together into her memory, she painfully second guessed every move, every touch, every whispered promise. Once her exhausted mind began to fray she decided to sweep the whole thing under the carpet determined to save face, for now. Collecting herself, she absentmindedly ran her fingers up and down her arms, goose bumps standing proud, finally giving in to the cold night air.

On her way back towards the ballroom, while wondering how the hell she was going to get through the rest of the evening, she prolongs her return to reality by ducking into one of the lavish bathrooms to freshen up.  The room is quiet, an older lady leaves as she enters, another younger girl, probably around her age, is refreshing her makeup by one of the opulent vanity's. She sits down on the plush velvet ottoman in the middle of the vanity area with a sigh, not really sure what to do next.

"Well you look like you've been through the ringer!"

Turning towards the kind voice, the girl who was doing her makeup, a warm glow pours out to her as the stranger looks her up and down with genuine concern. Her face is one of those which feels familiar, like someone she could’ve known her whole life. It is enough to encourage her to open up a little and feels like a relief to have someone to talk to after feeling so alone out on that balcony.

"I'm sort of having the best night of my life as well as the worst. And to top it all off I've left my purse in the main room..." She gestures towards her untidy hair and slightly smudged makeup by way of an explanation.

The stranger offers a knowing look in reply.

“So are you here with someone? Your dress is divine by the way."

Smoothing the front of her dress, Katie replies absentmindedly, "Oh no, I'm just here with my boss, filling in an empty seat at the last minute." Hesitant to share more with someone she'd just met, she kept the more intimate details to herself.

"Me too, well sort of. I'm a stylist, one of my clients insisted I join them to make sure they look perfect all night long, god forbid her dress creases when she sits down for dinner!" She waves Katie over to the vanity and the open make up case. "Here, use whatever you need." She continues watching as Katie gratefully grabs a brush and some powder. "I'm really just starting out but figure these sorts of events are great publicity if I can dress the right people. I mean they're all living on another planet of course but they love to be in the spotlight and gush about their outfits, which is great for me!"

The pair chat easily together for a while before Katie glances at the time on her phone screen realising she'd been gone much longer than anticipated. She’d enjoyed having an ally and getting her mind off the car crash of a moment with Sam, truth be told, she’d much rather stay here in the safety of her mirrored cave and the kindness of a stranger than plaster a smile on her face and return to the Dalton’s table. With a wistful smile she turns to the stranger.

"I suppose I should be getting back, although I can't say I'm looking forward to it."

"I'm Laney by the way." She holds her hand out to Katie and they share a gentle shake.

"I'm Katie. I've really enjoyed hiding out in here with you, thanks for everything." Leaving Laney to pack up the overly large purse full of beauty treasures, Katie heads back towards the bustling ballroom. Barely making it into the room, Laney breathlessly catches up to her holding out a business card.

"Hey, I thought maybe we could meet up for a coffee sometime, you know if you want to have someone in the real world to spend time with!" She points over to someone across the room and continues animatedly, "You said you went to NYIT right? I'm sure my friend Ryan would love to meet you too, he did his Grad course there and always loves a trip down memory lane!"

Taking the card, Katie’s eyes are drawn to Sam over Laney's shoulder. He looks just as he did before the balcony, the ever professional businessman, as if nothing had ever happened. He gives a slight tip of his head in Katie’s direction, motioning for her to join him back at the table.

The new friends share a quick hug promising to catch up soon and she makes her way over to Sam who won't quite meet her eye. Despite the frostiness between them, he's a gentleman at heart and doesn't think twice about pulling out her chair, tucking it in gently as she sits. As the bustle of dinner being served continues around them, the thorny silence between them grows thick with unspoken feelings.

After a whirlwind of Sam and his parents catching up over the exploits of various family friends and tales of the boys, Vivienne turns to smile at Katie.

"Now dear, we're being rude talking around you as though you're not here. Sam tells me you're quite the budding scientist yourself?"

She looks to Sam to see him offering a helpless smile and shrug of the shoulders and can’t help but wonder whether he’d shared anything about his previous employees with his mother, or if she was the first. As Katie pulls her eyes away from Sam’s, she pushes down all the feelings which bubbled up inside her and plasters on her most professional smile.

"Yes, Mrs Dalton, I have a Masters in Chemistry and up until recently was managing projects for Panacea Labs."

Being the expert that she is at reading people, Katie astutely notices how Mr Dalton’s ears prick, he clearly didn't know that there was more to her than being 'just a nanny', whatever that means.

"Please dear, you're practically family, call me Vivienne."

A warm glow fills her body at the thought of being accepted into the fold of the Dalton family. Smiling back at Vivienne, she continues to share stories of her experiences in the industry, her passion for science and her love for exploring through the twins eyes.

"Mickey and Mason are such a brilliant example of how a love of science can be developed at a young age. They're so curious and passionate about exploring, it's such a pleasure to be a part of."

Next to her, barely able to disguise the pride he feels for her, Sam tries his best to remain outwardly impassive while watching the rest of the table listen attentively, completely captivated by her storytelling. He'd meant it earlier on the balcony when he'd agreed that she was meant to be by his side, a partner not a secret he had to hide his feelings for. He just didn't know how to make it a reality, trapped within his own life. But in this moment, his feelings bubble to the surface and it takes everything he has not to take her in his arms in front of everyone and let them come flooding out for all to see.

After all, it wasn’t Katie’s fault that his true feelings for her hit him like a tonne of bricks earlier that evening while he watched her effortlessly talk Selene into keeping her shares. In front of his parents no less. Right there, everything he loves about her shone out for everyone to see and he realised he was deeply and helplessly in love. It just wasn’t with his fiancée. Hell that's the reason he took Katie out to the balcony in the first place, to steal a moment to share how he really feels but as always he was too much of a coward to do anything about it in fear or letting everyone else down and jeopardising his sons future.

He knows that the only way to try to push through it all is to detach himself from Katie as much as possible, even if it means becoming the bad guy. In his mind, she deserves better, she deserves the damn fairytale and that's just not something he's able to give.

As they move through the plentiful courses of dinner, Mason Sr continues to interrogate Katie on her knowledge and opinions of various scientific and business theories, although his directness falters as the meal goes on and they both seem to enjoy the lively debates. Vivienne occasionally interjects with questions of her own about Katie’s family, her life back in England and whether it's difficult to be far from home. To Katie, it almost feels like she’s on a 'meet the parents' date which in her mind could be going a lot worse.

When coffee is finally offered, Mason Sr stands abruptly, eyes focussed on Sam.

“Ladies, while this evening's discussions have been...interesting, I think it's time we get down to some business." He nods curtly at Sam before gesturing towards a quieter bar area off the back of the room.

Sam stands to follow him but not before turning to Katie and instinctively placing a hand on her shoulder. She involuntarily shudders at his touch as her mind races back to the last time they touched on the balcony.

"This shouldn't take too long, will you be ok here?"

"Of course she will darling, I'm not going to bite her!" Vivienne cuts in before she can reply. Sam nods in approval towards her and lingers for a moment before walking away to meet his father. Katie's shoulder still tingling at the memory of his touch.

Katie looks across the ballroom taking in the general splendour and jovial atmosphere while Vivienne takes the opportunity to really look at her, contemplating how much to share with her. After taking a few sips of coffee, she turns herself to fully face Katie and offers a warm smile.

"I can see why the boys are so taken with you...all of them."

The honesty of her comment takes Katie by surprise. Unsure how to respond, she slowly turns to meet Vivienne’s eye, raising her eyebrow slightly in question.

"You're all the things Sam said you were. He was right when he told me we'd get on well."

The intensity of Vivienne’s gaze is so strong Katie daren't look away.

"I want to thank you for everything you've done for them all. They've come alive again since having you in their life. Poor Sara was taken from him far too soon, from us all really...it was all so hard on Sam and the boys." She trails off clearly lost in memory. "I know he cares for you and wants you to feel part of the family."

“Shit” she thinks to herself. Feeling like a rabbit caught in headlights, Katie's mind races. Does she know? How can she, they've only met once before, surely that's not enough to make her suspicious?

"I think Sam's just taken pity on me because I'm so far from home and he knows I don't have any family around. He and the boys have been so gracious in making me feel welcome."

Hoping she sounds convincing she takes a sip of coffee, relishing the opportunity to hide her blushing cheeks behind the cup. Vivienne suddenly looks up with Katie follow her gaze over her shoulder. Behind her, Laney is standing with a cowboy-next-door handsome man in tow, a welcome interruption. His dirty blonde hair is slightly unkempt, his frame more lean than Sam's but he still carries an athletic look, he smiles charmingly at Katie.

“Excuse me" Laney directs to Vivienne before turning to speak to Katie. “This is my friend Ryan who I was telling you about earlier."

Katie reaches out to shake his hand which he is already holding out towards her.

"I hear you're a fellow NYIT grad? You look far too respectable to have hung out in the sort of dives I used to find myself in!"

"Try me..." she challenges with a twinkle in her eye.

Laney rolls her eyes with boredom and escapes, business card in hand, to fawn over an awkwardly dressed woman at another table.

"Would you like to dance? I promise not to break out the old NYIT match day chant moves!"

She can't help but laugh at his natural charm. After looking to Vivienne, who waves her hand in approval, she lets Ryan lead her out to the dance floor where they sway together at ease in each other's company reminiscing. It’s a far cry from the intimate dance with Sam earlier that evening, instead Katie could relax into it knowing that she wasn’t trying to hide anything, and it felt freeing.

As Sam's discussion, or more accurately argument, with his father comes to an end he heads back to the table where he notices his mother is sitting alone.

“Where's Katie?" He asks forgetting to hide the panic in his voice, worried for the second time that evening, after she had disappeared to the bathroom for half an hour, that Katie had thought better of compromising herself for him and fled the gala.

Vivienne nods towards the dance floor, Sam's eyes follow and a bolt of jealousy hits him right in the heart as he sees her in the arms of another man.

With a steely glare he starts towards her but is stopped by Vivienne's hand firmly holding him back by his arm.

“Leave her be, she's enjoying herself."

Letting out an almost inaudible sigh he sits down next to his mother but can't pull his eyes away, so enthralled that his mother's voice is almost a whisper in the background.

"She really is wonderful darling, I know even your father is impressed, of course he'll never say it." Her arm still resting on his, she studies Sam's face before continuing, "What a shame you’d not met her sooner.”

Allowing himself for a moment to hope that his mother's glowing reference suggests she is in approval of his relationship with Katie becoming something more, Sam smiles and leans forward ready to gush even more. He catches himself just in time as the ever repeating voices in his head remind him of his responsibility and everyone else's expectations of him, instead he brings it back to the boys.

"Yes she's brilliant with Mason and Mickey, they're lucky to have her."

Dancing and talking together with Ryan, Katie had almost forgotten about Sam and their earlier tryst on the balcony, grateful for the distraction and if she was being honest the attention. It's not every day that she goes to the effort of dressing up at the last minute and schmoozes the un-scmoozable to help her sort-of-boyfriend look good, it's nice to have someone sweep her off her feet and put her first for once.

"Your boyfriend doesn't seem too happy about us dancing together" Ryan nods towards Sam who is trying to get their attention, his parents behind him appear to be getting ready to leave.

"He's not my boyfriend."

Ryan's eyes widen sensing an opportunity. “Well I guess that's good news for me...can I call you sometime, take you out for dinner?"

She drops her gaze, shaking her head slightly.

“I'm sorry, I don't think it's a good idea..." trailing off, he gently lifts her chin to look up at him.

"But you're single...?"

"No, I...it's...it's complicated" she stutters while looking over his shoulder at Sam, who looks less than thrilled.

"Well, if you change your mind, Laney has my number." With that, he kisses her hand and watches the silk of her gown cling to her hips as she walks away.

Returning to the table, Mason Sr takes Katie’s hand and shakes it almost warmly.

“Pleasure to see you again Katie. Excellent damage control with Selene earlier...very impressive."

He moves to Sam, impassively shaking his hand as Vivienne envelopes her in a hug, kissing each cheek.

"Wonderful to see you again dear, give those grandsons of mine one of these from me!"

Katie smiles tenderly back at her, nodding in agreement.

After the Dalton's leave, Katie and Sam remain at the table, sipping their drinks in awkward silence, steadily interrupted by acquaintances of Sam's wanting to talk business. Finally, noticing Katie’s arm propping up her tired head, Sam stands.

“I think that's enough shop talk for one night, let's get you home."

Waiting for the limo to pull to the front of the building Sam notices her shiver in the cold night air. He takes off his jacket and wraps it around her shoulders, the most contact they’ve had all evening since being intertwined on the balcony together. His gaze lingers on hers, neither able to look away. She tries to read his thoughts as she looks deep into his eyes but all she sees is a muddle of pain, confusion and longing. It doesn't make her feel any better.

"Mr Dalton..." the driver says with a small cough as he stands by the open limo door.

Sam pulls away and walks her over to the limo with his hand hovering behind the small of her back, not daring to touch. Once settled in their seats it doesn't take long for the gentle motion of the car to send Katie to sleep, her head lulling and dropping onto Sam's shoulder.

It takes everything he has for him not to wrap his arms around her, his mind conflicted thinking of the nights events. The incredible connection they shared on the balcony, the fire within him burning hotter and brighter than ever before, his mother's glowing review, hell even his father had been impressed and suggested during their conversation in the bar that Katie’s role within the Dalton empire might be wasted as just a nanny. But none of these thoughts could quite suppress his feelings of guilt at falling for another woman, his responsibility to his sons, the business and their legacies. At least not in his mind.

Back in the penthouse, Sam makes his way into the open plan living area to find, thinking him for his help with the boys. Katie hangs back, not wanting to make small talk in front of Carter, who is incredibly astute and would no doubt piece together that things were not as they seemed.

"Miss Hide, you're a vision!"

Walking towards the elevator, Carter beams at her like a proud dad seeing his daughter on her wedding day.

“I didn't get the chance to see you before you left, my my..."

"Thank you Carter. And thank you for watching the boys, I hope they weren't too much trouble?!"

He taps his nose, keeping secret whatever mischief they got up to that evening. She smiles back at him knowingly as he steps into the elevator and the doors close.

As she turns back towards the living room she is halted by Sam standing right in front of her, so close, she almost crashes into him. Sheepishly she hands him his jacket as he offers a bottle of water in exchange.

‘You should never go to bed dehydrated" he blurts out, trying to fill the gaping silence.

“Sam...."

"Goodnight Katie, thank you for your help this evening, I appreciate you coming."

Unable to muster up enough energy to argue push any further, Katie drops her gaze to the floor as she shakes her head disappointedly. She walks away without a word, her heart aching more than she thought possible.

TAG List: @shewillreadyou @chemist-ana @txemrn @silma-words @thefrenchiemama @secretaryunpaid @sfb123

- Bonus - photo posted by Katie the morning after followed by a conversation with Jenny (before Sam drops the Italy bombshell and she was supposed to have the day off!)

[galaxyedging]

Some people write a journal to work through their feelings. I write fics with Din Djarin 🤷🏻‍♀️

Catch

Din hadn't spoke to you for almost a day. Which was extreme even for him. You tried to give him his space, after all he did get swallowed whole by a Krayt dragon but the longer it when on the more paranoid you got. Was he mad at you? Did he think you'd taken too many risks while dealing with the dragon? Despite you not being a Mandalorian Din never treated you less than equal in the field. He was however protective of you and had once threaten to leave you on a random planet if you took any more stupid risks, as he put it. You finally had enough and confronted him.

"I saw you with him." he responded, his voice quiet and emotionless.

Your heart sank as you realised he was talking about Cobb. You never wanted him to find out. Embarrassment, anger, regret all flooded your system. It overwhelmed until it needed a release. Someone to blame, so you turned it on him. "Were you spying on me?!"

"No, I came back to the cantina that night to check on you and came looking for you both the next morning." The way he said the word 'both' stung you. After a moment of silence he added "You're a grown woman you can do what you like."

"Am sorry..." you began, Din quickly cut you off. "You don't owe me an apology. Who you spend your time with has nothing to do with me."

Your anger rose again, your pride was hurt. He didn't seem to care.

"Do you want to know what happened?!" You saw him tense but you didn't care as this point so you continued "Last night am guessing you saw us kissing? Huh? He kissed me and it's been so godsdamn long since I've been kissed my body reacted before my brain and I kissed him back. When my brain caught up, I stopped I explained I didn't mean to lead him on. We talked for a while, we realised we both missed the simple comfort of sleeping next to someone without wondering if they were going to rob us or kill us in the night. So that's what we did. We slept. In each others arms. I kissed him, on the cheek, goodbye this morning and that was it!" You felt a little better after your outburst. Din didn't answer, didn't move. The hurt of him not reacting made your temper rise again.

"But I guess my reasons for not sleeping with him were stupid so maybe I should go back." You moved to push passed him. He blocked your way,

"What reasons?" you couldn't place the tone in his voice. Pleading? Longing? Hopefull? You avoided looking at him. "Y/N?" he prompted softly.

Tears threatened to spill from your eyes as you turned to him. You wanted to tell him. You wanted to shout it at him. You wanted to him to know that he was the only person you thought about. How your felt like your heart was walking around outside of your chest. Every time he was hurt or defeated it broke you too. How that any and all if the tiniest bit of joy he felt was magnified in you. How much you longed to hold him and make the world better for him in any way you could. How the thought of him rejecting you was killing you. How you would rather live with this torture just to be part of his life.

You were startled by his fingertips gently touching your face. It was only brief but it sparked a hope in you. You gathered the courage to look at him. You couldn't read anything from his body language. The hand that had touched you was hovering between you, it slowly moved down to grasp yours.

"Come on." he pulled gently leading you through the ship. He stopped at your sleeping area. Letting go of your hand he turned to face you. Even though you couldn't see his face you always thought you knew when his eyes were on you. Right now you felt they were on you, waiting.

You heard him breath out under his helmet. Your chest ached with relief as you let out the breath you didn't realise you were holding. He started to take his gloves off. Pulling one finger at a time then removing it completely. You'd never seen his skin like this before. It was either bloodied, dirty, flushed from battle or draining from exhaustion. You didn't realise how tanned it was. It obviously wasn't from the sun. You wondered where his people were from. Before he took the creed did he grow up on a planet that was warm? Did he play, carefree, bathed in the sunlight? Does he still remember the kiss of it on his skin? Does he miss it? Your head swam with questions. You wanted to know it all. Know all of him. Know what made him happy. What to protect him from. What stilled his thoughts before sleep could overtake him.

His hands moved up to his neck. For a second you thought he was going for his helmet. Before you could stop him he removed his cloak. You wondered if you had time would you have stopped him removing his helmet? Wouldn't you want him to? You wrestled with the idea. It would make things between you easier. Maybe if you could see how he looks at you, know that he glances at you too now and then. Let's his eyes linger on you a little too long when you show a flash of skin or move in a way that makes him think about how you would move beneath him. Maybe it would ease the fear in you.

Maybe it would make it worse. If he gave his oath, his everything, up for you, would you be worthy of that? Could you be everything to him instead?

The weight of everything settled heavy in you. Tiredness over took you. You could only stand and watch as he removed his armour. Your breathing was deep and staggered, your mouth was beginning to dry from your lips being parted. You swallowed hard. When he was done he stood in front out you wearing his under layers and his helmet. You took him in. Now without the armour you could read him a little better. The slight tremble of his hand, the unease in his stance. His breathing as much of a chore as yours.

"It's late. We should sleep." he held his hand out. As you took it he used it to guide you into your bed.

You needed more comfort to sleep than Din. You had covered the small storage space between the engine compartment and the cargo hold with sleeping rolls and cushions. Your bare feet sunk in slightly as you stepped in. You lay down turning to him. He braced his hand on edge of the metal opening he raised his foot to step in. He stopped and you were frightened that whatever was happening was going to end. You felt an overwhelming sadness but also relief. Relief that what ever this was was stopped before it became real, before it consumed you. Maybe it was better to keep him at arms length. Starting anything more between you could go wrong in so many ways. You'd both already taken risks to protect each other. Maybe it was best for you both if you just left completely. One of the tears filling your vision rolled free down your cheek. Luckily Din didn't see it. He was too busy removing his boots. You laughed to yourself and turned on your side covering you face as you dried it on your sleeve. Once he removed his boots Din stepped in. At this point you were too nervous to face him. You could feel him drop to his knees then crawl the rest of the way until he was behind you. His body was lined up you with yours. You could feel him there even though you weren't touching. A hand gently slid over your waist coming to rest splayed out on you stomach. "Is this ok?" he asked his voice smaller than you'd ever heard.

You nodded, afraid you voice would say too much or that you thoughts would spill out. Yes, it's ok. Yes, it's everything that I want. You, are everything that I want.

He wrapped his arm around you pulling you into his body. He raised his knees to curl his legs into yours. All your worries and doubts subsided within you. At that moment all you felt was safe. Lifting your head you allowed him to put his arm under your neck. He moved in even closer, his helmet resting on your shoulder and against you face. It felt heavy but not unpleasant. You'd began to think of it as part of him long ago. Without thinking you pressed a kiss to where his forehead would be. You felt stupid but you didn't think he had noticed. Turning you attention away you focused on his hand. You ran your finger tips gently over the lines on his palm. You were surprised at how soft his skin was. There were very few marks. A couple of small scars, a bruise that was healing. Feeling brave you threaded your fingers through his. He reacted with a deep sigh and held your hand tightly. You lay like that for Maker knows how long. One hand clasped in his by your head the other tracing patterns on the back of his hand as his thumb stroked your skin. This close you could feel how warm he naturally seemed to be. You could smell the scent of his skin. Not just the armour or the scent of the tools of his trade. Him.

After what felt like forever and at same time entirely not long enough, he moved away slightly.

"Can you do something for me?" He asked.

It was almost embarrassing, how fast you answered "Yes."

He laughed slightly before the nervousness returned to his voice.

"Can you keep your eyes closed?" Before you could answer you heard the scrape of his helmet against the pillows. The hand that was around you had gone to remove it. You whole body tensed with the effort of screwing your eyes shut. You kept you face away from his unsure of what to do. Your skin missed his touch while he was gone. Then he was back. Arm around your waist. His forehead against your bare shoulder. His skin was smooth, damp with sweat. It was warm, and bare, and new, and...him. There was nothing between you now. Only your worries and the demons you tried to bury. He traced a line up your shoulders with his nose. You had taken your pleasures from many men and women over the years. Sat astride them as they exploded you with this tongues. Had them enter you in every intimate way possible but that simple gestures was the most intimate moment of your life. The trust of it. The honour. A simple act of closeness from a man who's life was based on a need for secrecy. When his lips touched your skin you couldn't help the shiver of your body or the gasp that eminated from you.

"Can you keep them closed for just one more moment? Please." His voice cracked.

"Of course." You answered turning towards him slightly. He used this momentum to pull you onto you back. He raised himself up a little and put on leg slightly on top of yours. He was now almost on top of you. You reveled in the weight of him, the feeling of him anchoring you. You could feel his breath on your face. His hand was suddenly cupping your cheek, so gently that you had never felt more fragile in your life. His lips met yours. They were rough from dry skin but smooth from where Din must have ran his tongue over them, the moisture allowing them to slip over yours until they were moulded perfectly together. The rest of the tears fell from your eyes. Din wiped them away with his thumbs as he cupped your face in his hands. That single, simple kiss signified so much. An ending, a beginning. Closure for your past, a promise for your future. When he pulled away to replace his helmet, you drew in a breath to steady yourself. Feeling everything that you'd locked away, had drain you to the point where the breath became a yawn. Din offered you his arms to lay in. You gladly accepted. Laying there, curled up against him, you thought about how they call it 'falling in love'. For some people it must be a gradual process, the love works it's way in, slowly, until it's part of you then you feel that fall as the realisation hits you. For people like you, who are all too aware of their feelings it's more of a conscious effort, a jump rather than a fall. As you sleep finally overcame you, you thought how that didn't sound so bad as long as you trusted the person to catch you.

[bookwyrminspiration]

5:58 pm, nz time

Yes, more neurodivergent characters needed!! Its fun been figuring out his behaviours, and I think I unconsciously used him for that? Like, a lot of what he does and his though process isn't the most neurotypical but his though tprocess and some of his behaviours are very much like mine, recently I've been looking into the possibility of me having adhd or something else that can affect memory a lot, and just other little things. And yesss, I love the little character corner! I spent most of 2019 + 2020 in there and ignored the world, but recently I've been out of there more often and have felt more comfortable in my own skin!

Oh he enjoys it a lot, until it comes to having to deal with social situations that He Was Not Prepared For. This is unrelated but he has a bit of a nervous stutter, but only when he's nervous/has butterflies in his stomach. Unlike me who has a permanent stutter. And yeah, he's mostly sensitive to noises because he doesn't filter them correctly, like they all just pound into his head all at once and it makes it much harder for him to concentrate on one thing and has to talk louder than usual to actually hear hismelf and that's the only way he can base how loud he's being but then he ends up shouting even when there isn't a need to shout because he just. Doesn't realise. Other than noise, I'd say that the next thing to overwhelm him the most would be texture; Like soups and soft/cooked vegetables and things that pop in your mouth but leave a skin.

Ahhh, yeah I know what you mean with that! Mostly. It doesn't overwhelmed me per say, it just hurts my eyes more than necessary.

Stimming is fun!! I love it!! My favourite is bouncing my legs or going on my top toes if my feet don't hurt. But that's so cool! I don't really have any noise related stims, I can get a bit buggy with all that. The only noises I really like to make is when I'm talking, but I can't really keep up with conversations unless I'm the one speaking and I tend to mix up all of my words and slur them into an indecipherable mess

Probably!! I didn't really realise until now!! And for some reason I didn't read 'bad memory' as forgetful and instead 'Like the truama' and I was literally so confused as I. Still have both my arms. But yeah! Lots of him is projection but another amount is just him, like o don't clap or bounce on the balls off my feet too often- but those are things that he does near daily! But it was nice sharing him with you! I'm glad you think he's interesting and thank you for listening to my rambles about him! And yes he is very much a conundrum.

(I saw the second ask with the sign off, so heathen! hello! I mean, makes sense it's you as I don't think anyone else has Maui as an oc)

Nice! I am answering this as 6:14pm New Mexico time!! (which is mst)

As one of those kids who would read basically anything they could get their hands on, I ended up reading a lot of books with allocishet white neurotypical characters, and that is....like the opposite of everything about me. So now I'm trying to make up for it and find more diverse books, which has been fun but the one area where I haven't found as many are books with neurodivergent characters!! I will admit I haven't looked very hard (trying to work my way out of a 4 year reading slump caused by nd brain shutting down and going on autopilot) but I'd love to read more. My mother recently recommened a series that has an autistic main character, and while it's not perfect (as far as I know never explicitly said and word of god used aspergers, which is terminology I don't like, and I can't figure out if the author is also autistic) I am curious to read it. It's literally the entire reason she recommended it to me. She saw me looking at one of the books in the series (as she'd just bought it) and went "hey I think you'd like this the main character is autistic." All this to say that yes!! more nd characters are very much needed and welcome!

oh and also my therapist recommended a book by an autistic author called...one moment let me check I've forgotten. The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time. I don't know anything else about it nor have I read it yet, but I plan to when I get the chance.

but back to maui! and i get what you mean. it's super like...relieving? cathartic? to explore yourself and your own behaviors through characters and like separate yourself from it to analyze it. Then again that analysis thing might just be a me thing. I am...very logic oriented. I hope through Maui you can figure out what's going on with the memory things and find ways to assist yourself!! I know that the whole process of looking into things like adhd can seem daunting and like "hmm do i actually need to do this what if I'm making it up" but if you do decide to take it on I wish you the best of luck!!

And I'm glad you feel more comfortable in your own skin!! Also same!! Turns out when you dress like yourself and act like yourself you feel better about yourself. Which may seem obvious to others but also I am a little stupid sometimes (this is said with complete affection and no negativity). This reminds me I've actually been meaning to order a few things but also I'm going to forget as soon as I answer this ask so...oh well!

dealing with social situations you aren't prepared for is a waking nightmare. Just yesterday...no, thursday, my history teacher had a little class activity where we reviewed different stances on immigration laws (because we're rewriting the u.s.'s immigration laws in class) and then got up in front of the class to put our initials under the section that our personal opinions most matched and then explain it to the class and I!! did not want to do that! luckily it was very short but oh boy did I not enjoy that. And that's just one very small example. I have...so many.

the stutter is a nice addition as well! I don't really have any commentary on it but wanted to acknowledge it--kinda jumping from topic to topic to cover as much as what you shared as possible.

noise is so finicky sometimes so I am offering Maui a sympathetic pat on the back in solidarity. They may not be the thing that overwhelm me most often but it is...unpleasant. I almost always have earbuds in playing music to have a singular sound at a controlled volume rather than be able to hear everything going on. And texture! I hope he finds the foods that make his texture brain happy because it can be so annoying sometimes. especially when a food has like...two textures? and one is good and the other is Not? example: popping boba. the unpopped balls are like yes!! funky!! fun!! and the sensation of popping them is super satisfying...but then the skin. awful. do not want to touch it yet it is already in my mouth.

I do not remember what i said for this one but I'm assuming something about light because we're talking about eyes. If that's the case, light can be very annoying!! I complain about it sometimes but then people will tell me to wear sunglasses and I'm just...that is not going to solve it. because I don't like accessories for the most part. like the sensation of having an unnecessary item on my face is :/

stimming! stimming is very fun and I should do it more frequently. I do the bouncy leg thing a lot too, especially in public because it's noiseless and normalized enough that people don't really notice. My personal favorite is shaking my hands but specifically in that way where it makes your bloodflow a little funky and your hands feel kinda numb like!! that sensation is so fun to me. I'm not like restricting bloodflow to my hands or anything dw, it's just like the force and it's !!! I don't have a lot of noise related stims either, as I don't like to disrupt silence (feels icky), but I have like one or two that'll occasionally pop out.

also very glad your arm has not been cut off by your mother in a drug induced rage! I think we were talking about Maui's bad memory here being projection, but if I'm wrong feel free to correct me. And it makes sense that not all of him is you! I find characters to be most satisfying when they are partially me, but also their own person. I'll put a piece of myself like as a core trait (one of many) and then build them around it into someone who isn't me but that I can understand and write about.

and thank you for sharing him with me!! I love hearing about other's ocs and just listening to people talk about the things they're interested in in general. I mean, I ramble about my own interests (twilight, kotlc, the history of medicine, character analysis) enough that it's only fair you get the chance to ramble back!!

I hope you're doing alright!! It's earlier for you so I hope you have a good afternoon and evening!

[paradox-psyc-hoe-sis]

5 + 1; Bucky Barnes

(Five times Bucky Barnes almost kissed you, plus the one time that he did)

Bucky x reader, avengers x reader ,(platonic)

Warnings: a lil bit of swearing :)

Word count: 4.4 k (I'm sorry)

A/n: I LOVED WRITING THIS SO MUCH! I'm back at it again with my obsession with James Barnes, so here it is. Thank you for reading, I hope you enjoy it! - Aphrodite :))

(1) "C'mon James, you need to go to bed!" Bucky was sprawled out on the sofa in the Avengers common area, face pale and clammy. You had been with the avengers for a year, and Bucky was definitely the person you were closest with. You didn't know if you saw him as a brother, a best friend or even something more, but you both definitely felt connected.

"Y/n," he groaned, "I'm fine. I've survived Russian medical tests and torture, a little cold is something I can handle." He sniffed and wiped his nose on a tissue, putting it into his jumper pocket. He looked seriously in pain, his forehead sparked beads of sweat and his eyes looked tired, almost hollow.

"Firstly, it's not a cold, it's the flu." You stated, picking up a few stray tissues and throwing them into the bin a few meters away. "Secondly, if you don't go to bed now I will carry you, and God knows neither of us want that." You glared at him, expression stern with your hands on your hips.

"Good god, you're beginning to turn into Steve." He muttered, rising from the sofa. Heaving in pain, you put his arm over your shoulders and helped him to his room.

Once you got to Bucky's room, he sat on the edge of the bed. You stayed at the door, holding onto the door frame. "Right, change into your pyjamas and get comfy in bed. I'm going to the medical bay to get you some cold & flu meds, a thermometer and a glass of water. I'll be back in two secs."

Once you left, Bucky took off his jumper and sweats, to be left in a black tank top and his boxers. He flopped into bed, pulling the blanket up to his waist. You returned after a few minutes, not bothering to knock on the door. You spend more time in his room than yours, and you knew he didn't mind your presence.

Panting, you set down a small glass of water and a box of tablets, holding a small thermometer and cloth in the other hand. He looked up at you, puzzled at your breathlessness.

"Ran into Tony...on the way...had to run away...so he wouldn't ask me why...I had medicine and stuff." You took a few deep breaths and plopped onto the bed, sitting cross-legged facing Bucky. Taking the dry cloth, you gently patted at his forehead, mopping up a small bit of sweat. You continued to do this, moving a few stray pieces of hair from his face and tucking them behind his ear, until he looked a bit better. Although you were both silent, an awful lot of eye contact was held, and that was a conversation all in its self.

"Thank you, y/n." Bucky looked serious, as if there was something he really wanted to tell you. Laughing, you popped two cold & flu tablets out of a packet and placed them on the nightstand. "Jeez, don't get all soft on me now. You're not dying, Buck, I just want to make sure you're alright!" You grabbed the thermometer and held it up to his mouth. "This won't taste good, but once this is over I will definitely make you some soup. Open wide..."

Bucky smiled, shaking his head. "I have arms, y/n, I can do this mys-" you shut him up by shoving the thermometer into his mouth, laughing when he almost choked on it. As he re-adjusted the thermometer, you placed a hand on his forehead. He relaxed under your touch, closing his eyes; he was definitely burning up, his forehead was far warmer than your hands.

You took the thermometer from his mouth and brought your hand back from his head. Bucky opened his eyes, and you gave him a sigh. "Yep, you've definitely got a fever. You need to rest, I'll come and check on you soon...maybe put on a movie? Anything to distract you, really. Okay?" Bucky nodded, sitting up a bit more. You leant in and gave him a hug, and placed a kiss on his cheek. You pulled away slightly, your foreheads inches away. You leaned into his touch, his hands holding your arms, but stood up when you realised what was happening.

"I...I'll see you soon, Buck." And with that, you were gone.

(2) The clock read 6:14. The smell of marinara sauce and french cheese wandered around the avengers tower, making you grow more and more hungry by the second.

One minute. One minute, and you'd be able to stuff your face with Wanda's signature pasta. One more minute and you'd be in pasta heaven. One more minute.

You began to grow impatient, the ticking of your clock driving you insane. You paced in your room, mouth watering at the thought of the delicious dinner waiting for you. 30 seconds.

Your stomach growled like a tiger hunting it's prey. You opened your door, an even stronger whiff of Wanda's creation hitting you like a sucker punch. You turned back around to look at the clock - 5 more seconds.

It's almost time.

4 more seconds.

You couldn't wait.

3.

A month's worth of pleasure waiting for you on one plate.

2.

Anticipation bubbled inside of you.

1.

This is it.

The clock turned to 6:15, and you heard Wanada call from the floor below.

"DINNERS READY!"

Racing out of your room, you ran at the speed of light. You knew what was waiting for you, and you weren't going to waste any time getting to it.

Jogging down the stairs, you saw everybody around the kitchen, talking and laughing; you got to the 5th step from the bottom before you ankle buckled underneath you. With a yelp, you twisted and fell, trying to grab the banister for support but failing. However, you didn't fall on the floor, but fell into a pair of arms. Looking up, you saw Bucky grinning.

"You're telling me you can kill 8 Hydra agents with one bullet while fighting off three more at the same time, but when it comes to stairs you forget how to walk?" Tilting your head back in laughter, Bucky tightened his grip, holding you bridal style. Almost falling out of his arms, you threw your hands behind his neck, causing you both to laugh even more. You heard Wanda and Nat laughing with you from the kitchen, but you were only focused on Bucky. After you stopped laughing, you smiled widely, looking back at him.

"The sad part is, you know exactly why I was running down the stairs." He smiled back, eyes glistening. "Mhm," he nodded, rolling his eyes, "you are so desperate to see me that you couldn't help but run!"

Giving him a fake slap on the arm, you chuckled.

"I know, I know. You really want the pasta, don't you?" Nodding, Bucky shook his head. You felt relaxed in his arms, comfortable and secure. He could've put you down a few minutes ago, but you didn't mind. You looked into his eyes and he did the same thing, breath hitching in your throat. Only just realising that your face was particularly close to Bucky's, you felt his gentle breath on your cheek. You closed your eyes as he leaned in closer to you, his hair tickling the side of your face.

"What's up with the lovebirds!?" Tony exclaimed (loudly), walking into the kitchen. Both you and Bucky bolted upright, and you fell out of his arms. Hitting the floor with a smack, you landed face-up.

"Son of a BITCH, that hurt!" You yelled, Bucky rushing to help you up. You all laughed, but something inside you felt disappointed, almost unfulfilled.

(3) after dinner that night, you avoided Bucky for roughly a week. You felt embarrassed, awkward, so you kept your distance. You went down to the training room one day and checked the chart: Wednesday - Sam and Bucky's turn to use the sparring mat. You didn't mind being in the same room, as he'd be focused on training, so you were just going to use one of the machines. When you walked in, you found Bucky on the treadmill - Sam wasn't there. Luckily, Bucky hadn't noticed you yet, so you turned around and slowly walk away. Before you were fully out of the door, you heard Bucky call your name.

"Y/n!" Sighing, you turned back around and gave Bucky a tight smile. "I thought today was your turn to train with Sam?" You asked, placing the water bottle and small towel that you were carrying on one of the benches and crossing your arms, becoming conscious that you were only wearing shorts and a sports bra; it was summer, after all.

He smiled and wiped his forehead with his own towel, stepping off the machine. "Yeah, Sam didn't feel so good and had to cancel. Thought I'd come here on my own, but you're here now, right? D'you want to spar?" Your mind raced, you knew there was no getting out of this one.

"Sure thing. I train with Nat anyway and I definitely need a break from her Russian spy tricks." He laughed as you both stepped onto the training mat. "Is now a bad time to remind you that I'm trained in Russian spy tricks?" You smiled, genuinely relaxed. "Maybe not."

Not a second had gone by and you had already started sparring. You kicked him on his side, he punched you in the throat, you pushed him onto the floor, he took you with him with a swift move of his leg. You both jumped up and started all over again, even more vigorous. You went to punch him on the side of his face, but he grabbed your wrist before it met his cheek. "Try again."

With your free arm, you elbowed him above the shoulder and punched him in the nose. In retaliation, you recieved a blow to the stomach, but you were quick to push him up against the wall and lock him there with your arm against his throat. You leaned in close and whispered in his ear.

"I've been wanting to kick your ass all week."

He quickly flipped you over, and you pressed your back against the wall. He pinned your arms up above your head with one hand and held your waist with the other. You tried to kick him away, but his legs were pressed flatly against yours. He leaned in even closer.

"Yeah? Hit me with your best shot."

His words were a mix between whisper and a grunt, which sent a shiver down your spine. However, you knew his weakness. You pressed your forehead against his, and his grip weakened slightly. Just before your lips were about to touch his, you raised your leg and hit him in the crotch with your knee. He stumbled backwards, giving you the perfect opportunity to strike him in the chest. He went toppling to the side, falling heavily onto the floor. Calmly, you walked over and looked down at him.

"Is that the best you can do?"

(4) summer came and went in a flash, and before you knew it, the trees had lost their leaves and everything was a warm shade of red and orange. It was a late autumn evening and you had been reading in bed. It was far to cold for pyjamas, so you wore joggers and one of Bucky's knitted jumpers that you had stolen a few months ago, it smelled exactly like him. Turning your bedside light off, you glanced at your clock, which read 10:53. Laying down, you soon fell into sleepy doze, the sound of rain patterning against your window aiding your sleep.

You must have been asleep for almost an hour before you were woken up. Light streamed into your room from the open door in front of you, and you saw the silhouette of somebody crouched down by the side of your bed.

"Hmm?" You sat up and rubbed your eyes, adjusting to the light. The person sat next to you on your bed and you immediately knew who it was.

Bucky.

He looked a bit guilty for waking you up, but his eyes looked sorrowful and ridden with regret.

"Nightmares again?" You tiredly asked, placing a hand on Bucky's shoulder. He nodded, avoiding your gaze; his hair was pinned back into a bun, and his hands shook slightly. Usually, when Bucky had nightmares, he'd get into your bed and cuddle you, falling asleep with you by his side. However, you wanted to do something to distract him from his memories, and not just cuddle him. He stood up, about to walk to the other side of your bed before you stopped him. Rolling out from underneath the covers, you walked over to your record player and set up a vinyl. It was a record that Buck had gotten you for your birthday, 'The Best Of The 60s'. Quietly, Elvis began singing one of his ballads as you walked over to Bucky.

Placing your arms behind his neck, you gently swayed to the beat of the music. He cautiously wrapped his arms around your waist and bent down slightly, allowing you to rest your face in his neck. You couldn't be any closer; your torsos were pressed firmly against each other, arms tightly gripping to the other person. As you both rocked back forth, Bucky raised one of his arms up and placed a hand behind your head, holding you closer. You had never felt safer in your life, and you began to think about the man holding you.

When you first met, you could honestly say that you were scared of him. You weren't intimidated by him, but you were terrified that he would snap at you or hate you as soon as you met. You could've never guessed that you'd have the sort of connection that you do, but it worked out brilliantly. After growing more mature with each other, you found it easier to empathise with him. Everything that he had been through - torture, near death experiences, kidnapping, forced murder - you felt the same pain as he did.

Tightening your grip around him, you let out a few tears. You were comfortable crying around him, he never made you feel uncomfortable, yet you really didn't want to break down in this situation. But guess what? You broke down anyway.

The few drops on your cheeks became a river of tears as you thought more about Bucky. Your shoulders heaved, and Bucky noticed instantly. He knew why you were crying, he felt the same pain. He stroked your hair, warm fingertips against your scalp. He lifted your jumper up ,slightly, with his other hand and rubbed circles on the small of your back. Your skin tingled under his burning touch.

Bucky's eyes stung with tears; there was a lingering thought between you both that hung in the air, and he hated seeing you in pain. You pulled back from him, moving your arms to his shoulders. The music stopped a while ago, but you still moved to a shared rhythm. You looked down, but Bucky used his real hand to lift your chin up. His hand was large and warm, radiating heat. He cupped your cheek, and with his thumb, brushed away a few of our tears. You tilted your head into his hand, closing your eyes. In that moment, Bucky would've kissed you. He wanted to lean down and brush your lips with his, run a hand through your hair as he kissed you. Yet he saw the sleepiness in your face, and knew it wouldn't be right.

Putting both arms around your waist, he effortlessly lifted you up, and you wrapped your legs around his hips. He walked you back over to your bed and placed you underneath the soft covers, planting a kiss on your forehead. With a small smile and a 'goodnight', you were back on your own.

(5) three months later, it was almost Christmas, and the avengers had gone all out. The group always did something ridiculously extra over the holidays, and this year Tony had rented out an ice skating rink. It was only a few blocks away from the Avengers tower, so you all took one of Tony's limos down there. You wore a red turtleneck jumper, a plaid skirt and black tights, as the group arranged that the dress code was red. Bucky wore a dark red shirt + hoodie with jeans, and everybody else wore an odd combination of christmas jumpers, cardigans, tee shirts, and (in Steve's case) a red Hawaiian shirt.

In the limo was you, Bucky, Tony, Steve, Natasha, Wanda, Sam, Bruce, Vision and Clint. Everybody was invited, but many had gone home to see their family for the holidays. You all made a pretty nice group, though.

The skating rink was huge, enough to fit hundreds of people. As you all sat outside of the rink putting on your ice skates, Tony asked a very important question.

"How many of you guys can actually skate?"

Out of all 10 of you, only three could say that you've skated before.

"I can." You stated, tying up your laces.

"Same here." Replied Wanda.

"Me too." Said Sam. Everyone looked at him, amused yet puzzled.

"What!? My mom made me go with her when I was a kid, alright?" Everyone laughed, and Sam looked slightly pissed.

Once you were ready, you carefully stood up and took Bucky's arm.

"D'you want to skate with me?" You asked, entering the rink. You flawlessly made your way around the edge, Bucky slipped quite a few times. "How did you get so good at this?" He questioned, clinging onto the barrier for dear life.

"I used to go all the time with my friends, there was a cute little skating rink next to our school." You span around on the ice, landing perfectly on your feet. Bucky tried to leave the wall but fell directly onto his bottom, making you laugh harder than you ever have.

The night went on peacefully as you skated with your friends. Nat and Wanda stayed together the entire time, hand in hand, and every time you looked over at Steve he was on the floor. You and Bucky spent your time skating around the rink together, talking about anything and everything, laughing whenever you saw Steve fall over. You all decided to leave at 9pm, and 9pm seemed to be coming closer by the second. You and Bucky were the last ones left on the rink, everybody else had gone to the limo. Steve sat on the bench outside of the barrier, putting his shoes back on.

"Should we wait for you guys?" He asked, putting his skates back on the shelf.

You glanced at Bucky who had just fallen over and giggled. "Nah, we'll get a taxi."

Steve left, and Bucky got back up. "Come over here." You beckoned him to the centre of the rink where you were stood. He laughed, shaking his head. "And sign my death certificate? No thank you."

"C'mon Buck, you haven't left the barrier all night!" You skated over to him and took his hand. "I'll help you?" He sight and gave you his other hand, and you both slowly skated over to the centre of the rink. "See how easy this is?" You asked as you let go of his hands and span around on the spot. Moments after you let go of his hands, he fell backwards. You didn't realise until too late, and fell over his leg, resulting in you on top of him. You couldn't of landed worse; your legs were straddling his hips, your chests pressed up against each other, your hands on the ice either side of Bucky's head.

Laughing nervously, you gave him an awkward smile and apologised. He sat up, you now sat, facing him, oh his lap. You both thought the exact same thing - now was the perfect time to kiss. Both of you slowly leaned in, and your lips barely brushed before the lights went out. You laughed hysterically, plunged into darkness.

"Shit," Bucky exclaimed, holding onto your hand, "how are we going to get out?"

(6) not a week had gone by before the new year came around, and Pepper had planned a new years eve party. Despite it only being the same eleven of you that spent Christmas together, Pepper told you all she wanted everybody to wear suits and party dresses, so you could have a fancy new years party. It was 8:25pm when you went to the common area. Everything was different; furniture had been moved, there was a soft orange glow from the ambience lights that lit up the room, and the large windows showed the rest of the city below ((the common area looks how it did in the party scene in age of ultron)). You were the last to arrive, and you heard music playing from the common area as you walked down the stairs.

Tony had hired chefs and bartenders, and set up a photo booth in the corner of the room. Fairy lights were strung around the large room, and you heard the sound of Steve, Bucky and Sam laughing together. You wore a floor length, red glittery dress that had a cut on the side, running from the floor to the side of your thigh. Your hair was curled and gently flowed down your shoulders, almost meeting the sweetheart neckline on your dress. Your outfit was complete with a pair of red heels, and you could admit that you looked stunning.

Once you got to the bottom of the stairs, you immediately walked over to Natasha and Wanda who were at the bar. Nat wore a knee length black bodycon dress with spaghetti straps and stilettos, whereas wanda wore a dark purple tiered dress with black wedges. As soon as they saw you, both of their jaws dropped. You blushed, your cheeks matching the red lipstick you wore. "I'm overdressed, aren't I?" You asked, feeling slightly self conscious.

"No way! You look amazing!" Wanda reassured, looking you up and down.

"Wanda's not the only one thinking it." Natasha said as she pointed a finger past your shoulder. You looked behind you and saw Sam, Steve and Bucky staring at you. Steve and Sam merely gaped at your appearance, whereas Bucky grinned at you. Turning back around, you laughed with Nat and Wanda and grabbed a bottle of water from the bartender. Once you got your drink, you walked over to Bucky who was now sat alone on one of the sofas.

"Good evening, James." You spoke in a fake posh accent which made both of you laugh, and you sat down next to him. He wore an all black suit, his hair styled nicely, falling past his jaw. You began talking, but the chit chat didn't last long before Tony arrived from the kitchen.

"Tables set guys, let's eat!"

You sat next to Natasha at the rectangular dinner table, Bucky sitting across from you. Everyone ate steak and salad, and you each went around the table saying what your new years resolution would be. When it got to your turn, you were stumped.

"I don't know...I can't really think of anything." You stated, taking a sip of your glass of white wine.

"Even though we've known you for a year and a half, there's still so much that you haven't told us about yourself." Clint opined. There was a mutual agreement between the rest of the group, but Bucky stayed silent.

"Maybe your new years resolution could be to learn a language?" Sam added, taking a bite of his dinner. Bucky snickered as you turned to face Sam.

"Non penso sia davvero necessario." (I don't think that's really necessary) Everybody looked taken aback at your bilingual secrecy, except Bucky. Instead, he just smiled at you.

After dinner, everybody went back to the common area and danced. After Tony and Steve got defensive about who could dance better, they decided to host a mini dance competition. Bucky looked around, but you were nowhere to be seen. Before anybody could notice he was leaving, he snuck out of the room and down the corridor. It took him a few minutes before he saw you out on the balcony, staring up into the night sky.

"What's up?" He asked as he stepped out into the cold breeze, placing an arm around your shoulder. You tilted your head to rest on his arm, and sighed, your breath forming a little cloud of steam. "I'm just thinking about that delicious chocolate ice cream." Bucky laughed, thinking back to the ice cream everybody had for dessert. "I don't blame you, it was very nice." He spoke, voice calm and sweet.

"Hmm" you sight contently. Bucky felt the goosebumps on your arms and pulled away.

"Here." He said, taking off his blazer and handing it to you.

"Thank you, Buck." You replied, wrapping it around your cold arms.

"Wait..." He paused, looking at your face. "Mhm, you've got a bit of chocolate ice cream in the corner of your mouth!" He laughed as you wiped around the side of you lip.

"Gone?" You asked, examining your clean finger. "Nope, try again." You breathed out, swatting at your mouth again, but your finger always came back clean. "Can you get it off for me?" You asked him, and he smirked.

"Sure thing, y/n."

He leaned in close to you and crashed his lips onto yours. His lips were dry and he kissed roughly, making your soft lips turn to jelly under his. Your hands found his neck, and his your waist as you ran a few fingers through his hair. He pulled you closer, deepening your kiss, as you sighed into his mouth. You weren't quick to pull away, making sure you savour the feeling of his lips against yours. You smiled at him as he looked at you, pure admiration in his eyes.

"You don't know how fucking long I've been waiting to do that."

[miss-dr-reid]

This is calm, and it's, Doctor #6

A little something different for this one.

~Spencer's POV~

After I ordered the food to be delivered, I turned around to see y/n had disappeared from her perch on the stool. I walked around the bench, looked down the hall and saw no movement. I walked over to the lounge and found her resting, looking so peaceful.

Her face looked soft, lips parted slightly. Her arms cuddled the cushion tocher chest while her legs were called up, fitting into the lounge. Not wanting to disturb her peaceful slumber, I grabbed a book and sat at the table behind her. I sat on the side of the table that allowed me to see her face whenever I looked up from my book.

She was so beautiful in so many ways. In the week I've known her, I've noticed myself wanting to be around her as much as possible. She was so smart, but humble enough that she never really corrected anyone if that hadn't called her 'Doctor', so much so, that maybe people didn't even realise.

I looked up from my book as she stirred, taking in a deep breath, smacking her lips to get her quietly as she exhaled. My heart skipped a beat as I watched. After a while of reading, there was a knock on the door, 'Dinner', I thought as I walked over and opened the door.

Happy to see my dinner in the hands of the delivery man, I handed him a $10 tip and he went on his way. I closed the door and popped the bag onto the bench. I unpacked by he bag on the bench, ensuring everything was there b

"Vegetable omelette, fried rice, beef and black bean..." Quietly listing them to myself as I set them in the bench, followed by the complimentary prawn chips. I headed over for the lounge.

"Y/N," I kneeled next to her on the ground, "y/n, dinner is here." I tapped her hand which was wrapped around her wrist, holding her arms together.

One eye popped open slightly, looking at me.

"Dinner?" Her voice, a whisper.

"Yeah!" I confirmed. She grabbed my hand, surprising me. I hadn't realised that I had rested mine on hers after waking her. She used me to help herself up, throwing her feet to the ground, yawning and stretching.

I got up and walked back to the kitchen, grabbing plates and cutlery for each of us. Y/N took the stool where she had been before laying down. I took the one next to her, handing over the plate and cutlery I got for her. Her face screwed up as I handed over the cutlery.

"What?" I asked, thinking something was wrong. She picked up the fork I had given her,

"A fork? Do you have chopsticks?" She asking, faking offence.

I grabbed out the complimentary ones from the bottom of the bag and gave them to her. Satisfied with her utensils, she proceeded to pour some of each dish onto her plate.

"You gonna eat those?" She gestured toward the prawn chips. I shook my head, sliding them her way. She happily accepted them, opening the bag and diving right in. I watched as she pulled out chips, inspecting each one. After watching for a while, I reduced that she was looking for 'bowl-shaped' chips so she could pile as much food onto it as possible.

I let out a little laugh as I realised. I was so intrigued in how she chose to are, I couldn't help but watch. As much as it usually revolted me, I was too invested to stop. After picking the perfect chip, scooping as much food onto it as possible, she'd try eat it all in one go.

"You right?" She asked, snapping me out of my trance I hadn't realised I was in. Her eyes watched my face as I nodded, not knowing what to say.

"I- I've never seen anyone eat like that." was all I could manage.

"I'm not just anyone, Spence." She joked, wiggling her eyebrows and elbowing my arm. I faked an injury, grabbing my arm with an "Ow!". Even though 'Spence' was a nickname used my most people I know, the way Y/N says it makes it sound so good. And, when she calls me 'Doctor', something happens inside me, I can't even describe it. The thought of her saying my name makes my heart race.

We finished eating dinner and I wanted the few dishes we had messed, Y/N watched me Street I had declined her offer of help. I noticed her watching my hands, and looking up to my face every now and then, her own face resting on her propped up hand.

Once I was done, I dried my hands on the tea towel that was in the bench. I took the couple of steps over to the bench opposite Y/N. Leaning on my elbows, I looked over her face, her eyes slightly droopy, but not necessarily tired, I couldn't put my finger on it.

"Spence..." she said soft and slightly hoarse, "can we listen to some music?"

"Oh yeah. I have a Google Home, so, to for it." I told her.

"Hey Google," she started, "Play 'Moo' by Doja Cat." She called, a smirk filling her lips. I was confused, so I focused on Google.

"Bitch, I'm a cow." It started. I was taken aback and Y/N laughed, quickly changing the song.

"Hey Google, play 'Crazy Little thing called Love." She hopped off the stool and walked to the empty area between the bench and table.

The song started and she started dancing. Her voice filled the room, full of passion. I was enjoying watching her perform until she gestured for me to join her. I shook my head, stiffening at the idea of dancing.

"Please Spence, it'll loosen you up, and we all need to chill out." She almost begged, fluttering her eyelashes, while holding her arms out toward me, a grabbing motion played on her fingers.

Seeing this side of Y/N was strange, but comforting. The entire time I had known her, she was always serious. Happy to have a laugh, but never too much fun. I unwillingly obliged only because I wanted to see her smile again, and she did as I stated toward her.

She didn't get my hands like o thought she would, instead she swayed her body in time with the music causing me to follow along. I did enjoy this more than I was expecting to. I think, because of her. She was singing, dancing and almost performing a whole concert.

She stopped in her tracks, smirking at me as she called for Google to play another song.

#Where have all the good men gone

and where are all the gods?

Where's the streetwise Hercules

To fight the rising odds#

She sang along, hitting every note, I was in awe. After the song, she decided one okay change was necessary. The music changed to the artist 'Bruno Mars', her body language changed. She went from partying and jumping around, to smooth fluid, alluring moves.

"Got anything to drink?" Her voice, breaking my thoughts one more time, "Anything adult?" She emphasised.

Thinking for a second, I did have some whiskey that I was gifted and never drank. I grabbed the bottle bedroom the top shelf of an overhead cupboard. I collected a glass from another, scooped some ice from the freezer, and poured out a drink into the glass, sliding the glass over to her across the bench.

She took it, sniffed it, swirled it and took a sip. She swallowed it all up after getting a taste, tapping the glass on the counter and with her best western accent,

"Another, barkeep!" She mustered out. I poured another, and she downed it. She got up to resume her dancing. I put the lid on the bottle and left it on the bench.

I walked around and sat on the stool, enjoying watching her sing and dance, relaxing as the drinks styles in her system. She danced for a while, eventually joining me as I wandered over to the lounge. She brought the whiskey, her glass and one for me. Not being a big drinker, I declined. She didn't press but left the glass on the coffee table in front of us.

"I guess you're staying tonight?" I asked, watching her pour another drink.

"Oh, shit!" She stopped, looking up at me, "Spence, I'm sorry! I can go- I- I don't want to make you uncomfortable if you don't want me here!" Worry in her voice as she realised there had been no official invitation for her to stay. She didn't need one. I was over the moon to have company that wasn't my brain and numerous books.

"No, you're not going anywhere. I have some spare clothes that I'm sure will fit you if you feel like changing. Please, Y/N, you are more than welcome to stay tonight and whenever else you'd like to." I assured her, placing my hand on my shoulder, only removing it once she relaxed.

She let out a breathy sigh and laid back against the lounge, exhaling deeply. Her hands grabbed each side of her face and pulled down slowly until they teachers her chin.

"I would love to get changed." She whispered and rolled her head to look at me.

I tilted my head so it was same angle as hers,

"Come on." I reached for her hand, she smiled at me as she took it in hers. She trailed closely behind as I led her to my room. She sat down on the edge of the bed, her legs hanging off, and she kicked than back and forth.

I opened my wardrobe and rifled through the racks, finding an old plain grey tee. I took it out and laid it next to her on the bed. Y/N's hand ran over it as I dove back in to my wardrobe. I found a pair of darker grey tracks and laid them on top of the shirt.

"There's a spare towel hanging in the bathroom if you'd like to shower. I'll be in the loungeroom, reading most likely." I spoke, putting my hands in my pockets, shifting from heel to toe not wanting to leave.

Her looked me up and down, with raised eyebrows. When she got back to my face, she glanced between me and the door.

"Oh, right!" I spun on my heels and left, closing the door behind me. "Idiot. You work together. What do you even want from her!?" I asked myself once I was out of earshot.

Entering the loungeroom, music was still playing. A new song came on and I decided to listen to it, trying to get an idea of the music Y/N likes.

#I found a love, for me# I clicked on the lyrics tab of the Google Home screen.

#Darling, just dive right in

Follow my lead# I hadn't realised that I had started swaying to the song.

Arms wrapped around my waist, a face rested on my back. I stiffened at the sudden touch. I turned, Y/N only loosened her grip enough for me to spin around. She looked up at me, smiling contently. Her arms still wrapped around my waist, she rested her face on my chest. She started swaying, causing us both to sway. I rested my arms over her shoulders, one hand on top of her head, under my chin.

As we were swaying, she shifted her arms from my waist to my shoulders, my arms from her shoulders to her waist. Her fingers made their way up my neck and to the back of my head, playing with the curls that day there. My hands responded, rubbing her back slowly up and down.

I wanted to hold her there forever. To kiss the top of her head. To pick her up and just hold her.

But, we work together. We're friends, mates. It can't happen. She doesn't even like me like that.

His can't happen.... Right?

[obihoekenobi]

title: green eyes - chapter four

pairings: din djarin/cal kestis

ratings: general

word count: 1,075k

other chapters: one | two | three

What if Cal Kestis had heard Grogu reaching out instead of Luke?

They say it took a village to raise a child and no child made that saying more true than Grogu. 

Instead of having to keep a constant eye on the kid, he now has four more sets of eyes to take the load off. Din still keeps him close at hand, but for the first since he got the kid he allows himself to relax a little. 

Greez seems to get the biggest kick out of Grogu's presence. He's often found, first thing in the morning, rocking the child back and forth in the kitchen while he prepares everyone breakfast. He has also taken to showing the kid how to pilot the ship, much to the amusement of everyone else. 

Merrin seems the most standoffish. Nervous, Din realises. She seems hesitant to get too close, like she's frightened to get attached. Or that she might hurt him somehow. Not that she has to worry. She handles him with the most care out of anyone, and is often a silent companion as he explores around the ship.

Ceres on the other hand, seems to instill a kind of calm over Grogu that Din has never experienced before. The worst of tantrums can be soothed by her touch, her voice quiet as she tells him stories before bed. He enjoys falling asleep on her lap, as she sits outside each evening to enjoy the sunset.

Out of everyone though, there is no one Grogu seems to bond more with than Cal. 

The two are instantly inseparable. Not a day goes by where the two don't step out on some kind of adventure. Cal spends his days exploring the area with the curious child, taking the time to explain the different insects and fauna that make their home alongside them in the clearing. 

Grogu even manages to sit by quietly, as Cal completes his morning meditation. He tries to sit the same way as his new mentor, which usually ends up with him tipping over on his back. Din has taken to sitting across from the Jedi with Grogu perched on his lap. 

It's a comfortable routine. One that Din finds himself enjoying. 

It helps that Greez turns out to be a mean cook. Din keeps his helmet on, but the other still waits in the kitchen until Din has tentatively returned with his plates for seconds. It turns out that they used a lot of the same spices on Lateron and Greez seemed overjoyed to test different recipes on the Mandalorian. 

Merrin shares her collection of books with him, and invites him up to her favourite spot atop the Razor Crest once Grogu has finally fallen asleep. They don't speak often, but she's the first he tells about what happened on Mandalore. In return, she explains the last days of the Nightsisters and the nightmare that had followed. 

Ceres too, opens up to him in ways he doesn't expect. She's the first one to tell him anything about what happened. It's not the same as the stories she tells Grogu but Din listens all the same and tries to understand the pain in her voice. When they get tired of swapping trauma, they take turns making fun of the holodramas Greez forces them to watch each night. 

It's comfortable, which explains why Din soon starts to feel restless.

After years of being a beroya, Din had never stayed still for so long. He starts to expect the rug to be pulled out from under them. Nothing this good ever lasts long, he reminds himself. It isn't long before Cal notices. 

He brings it up, during morning meditation. 

Din is deep in thought, as he watches the others face smooth in relaxation. It's the only time he allows himself to stare. Cal's hair looks almost like it's on fire, as the morning sun creeps over the back of the Razor Crest. 

He's so deep in thought he almost doesn't realize the others eyes are open and looking back at him questioningly. 

Din shifts Grogu in his arms, as he steels himself for whatever it is the other has to say. 

"Are you okay?", Cal asks, "I've noticed you've been tense lately". 

He has a soft way of speaking, like it was only the two of them there. It was private and intimate, and it made Din feel like they existed inside of their own little bubble. 

"I'm sorry", Din replies, automatically. 

He didn't want to be a burden. Not when these people had opened their ship to both him and his son and asked nothing in return. 

"Don't be sorry, it's okay to have reservations". 

"Reservations?", Din asks, confusion colouring his voice. Reservations about what? Maybe these Jedi couldn't really read minds after all.

"About us, about the future, about me". 

"I have no reservations about you", Din replies, putting emphasis into the words, "the future, on the other hand".

He has to make sure Cal knows he isn't the source of his worry. It doesn't take a genius to tell he already feels the weight of the world on his shoulders. Din doesn't know enough about the Jedi to understand why, but he promises himself one day he'll understand more. 

"Thank you", Cal replies, and Din can hear the emotion he's trying to keep from his voice, "maybe I can help if you tell me what's worrying you".

Everything, Din wants to reply. Instead, he settles on saying the first thing that comes to mind. 

"It feels too easy". 

"What does?".

"All of this", Din replies, gesturing around the clearing. 

From the warmth of the sun, to the cacophony of noises that erupts from the rainforest. The easy camaraderie and the late nights spent talking about nothing and everything. Din has never spoken so in his entire life, as he has in these last few weeks.

He's not used to people laughing at his stories. 

"I understand", Cal says, "you're used to fighting for what you want".

Din merely nods in reply, as he looks down at the squirming child in his lap. Grogu is reaching for a nearby flower, seeming completely oblivious to the tension around him. Din isn't sure if he's imagining the stem of the flower bending towards his grabbing hands. 

"Well maybe this time, you can let someone else fight for you", Cal continues, and his smile is more blinding than the sun rising over Kashyyyk.