may-fall

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Byzantine Miku edited by my mother

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I sometimes really ridiculous having some specific triggers relating to a certain game or people... where its like really difficult for me lately to make any art that i enjoy anymore...

I mean still occaisional draw sometimes

But to me it feels more like venting (subtlely or not,,,idc)

Honestly somedays im really stuck between if i want to live or die... like it feels hopeless where i keep on waiting and waiting until someone figures something out. And by that point i mightve actually done something...

I really dont see the point of waiting several weeks/months just to see some mental health specialist theyre might go and wave me off like "yeahhhh... go outside more and go socialize or some other unhelpfull advice"

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Tbh most of the time when im online i act as if im "just fine" but in reality just really like a mess... and i cant really talk about it , i mean i can but people get tired of me and my bs eventually and then they all leave...

Honestly somedays im really stuck between if i want to live or die... like it feels hopeless where i keep on waiting and waiting until someone figures something out. And by that point i mightve actually done something...

I really dont see the point of waiting several weeks/months just to see some mental health specialist theyre might go and wave me off like "yeahhhh... go outside more and go socialize or some other unhelpfull advice"

[may-fall]

Honestly somedays im really stuck between if i want to live or die... like it feels hopeless where i keep on waiting and waiting until someone figures something out. And by that point i mightve actually done something...

I really dont see the point of waiting several weeks/months just to see some mental health specialist theyre might go and wave me off like "yeahhhh... go outside more and go socialize or some other unhelpfull advice"

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Talked to the doc today about mental state... another appointment next week and week after...

I really dont want to fall further in between those weeks...

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I have a feeling some other god is betting money on which baby is gonna win

Found some pretty interesting photos of eros and satyr fighting while Dionysus and Ariadne would watch them fight, and obviously i had to draw it 😌

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trying to keep the horrors away...

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i've had so many conversations with people in fandom/creators' circles who are genuinely afraid to make the stories or art they want because they fear (often with good reason!) that their friends might kick them out of their circles, or worse, launch a public harassment campaign against them.

as someone recovering from this fear-based mindset, i want to affirm:

- friends who use implicit or explicit threats to maintain social control are not your friends

- communities that monitor your social media and ao3 to surveil you for perceived transgressive content are not safe communities

- the vast majority of people are NOT going to hate you if you make the art you want

- if you find yourself in a friend group that makes you feel afraid to speak your mind, it's in your interest to disentangle yourself from that group as quickly as possible

- real, honest disagreements between friends can be solved respectfully without the use of public shaming

- if you're feeling afraid in a community, it's likely that others are feeling afraid too. support your friends who may be struggling to leave an abusive fan or creative community, and let them know you're a safe person to voice doubts and disagreement to.

- if you're feeling like you'll never find a safer community of people, i promise there are others who feel that way too. it may take some time, but you'll find people who treat you and your ideas with respect. a good place to start is the people who make the type of art that you admire but that you're too afraid to make yourself.

ok that's all, take care of each other and be nice 💜

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I know it's unfair vilification and stuff but it's also a lot of fun to see old media and stuff where people were SO scared of big animals like lions, sharks, crocodiles and wolves were fully expected to just come and eat you the moment you stepped into their territory. In older media we also made that assumption about gorillas and in still older we thought it'd be whales. But some animals that will actually fuck you up got left behind. Boars will kill you and eat you. They're way more likely to do so than any of those other things actually. Hippos, obviously, got off like bandits always being depicted as cute and dopey. And then there's the squids. Not giant kraken size squids. The eight foot squids that hunt in packs and will fuck you up if you fall in the water at night. I can't BELIEVE people slept on that. It's like all they cared about were the huge deep sea ones we never see. The medium size wolf pack squids were right there.

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Tell me when you get bored. A story about doses. [x]

I posted this on twitter and had a variety of aggressive ableism thrown my way.

This is a story about changing what I can in spite of what I cannot for the comfort of my loved ones. The thing that others find to be hurtful about me is that I like to spend time in silent solitude. People who love me often feel hurt that I tend to solve my own problems instead of leaning on them.

When we spend too much time together, people find my neutrality to be concerning, and it becomes too much for people to be unable to read me.

To show the people I love that I enjoy their company in ways they can understand, I pool my energy together to be high-energy, peppy, and social. Since this is not my natural state of being, it takes effort, which can only be expended in small doses. I amplify the things people like in me while filtering out everything they dislike about me when I am in their company.

I change my behaviors for those I love, but at the end of the day, I cannot change my neutral state of being, which is the thing that they want most out of me.

This is a story about me accommodating people in the best way I know how, not the other way around. I would truly appreciate it if people don't misconstrue this anecdote as me asking for dismissal of hurtful behavior when in reality, people find hurt in the fact that I simply exist, and I must change for them.

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i've had so many conversations with people in fandom/creators' circles who are genuinely afraid to make the stories or art they want because they fear (often with good reason!) that their friends might kick them out of their circles, or worse, launch a public harassment campaign against them.

as someone recovering from this fear-based mindset, i want to affirm:

- friends who use implicit or explicit threats to maintain social control are not your friends

- communities that monitor your social media and ao3 to surveil you for perceived transgressive content are not safe communities

- the vast majority of people are NOT going to hate you if you make the art you want

- if you find yourself in a friend group that makes you feel afraid to speak your mind, it's in your interest to disentangle yourself from that group as quickly as possible

- real, honest disagreements between friends can be solved respectfully without the use of public shaming

- if you're feeling afraid in a community, it's likely that others are feeling afraid too. support your friends who may be struggling to leave an abusive fan or creative community, and let them know you're a safe person to voice doubts and disagreement to.

- if you're feeling like you'll never find a safer community of people, i promise there are others who feel that way too. it may take some time, but you'll find people who treat you and your ideas with respect. a good place to start is the people who make the type of art that you admire but that you're too afraid to make yourself.

ok that's all, take care of each other and be nice 💜

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i found a certain person's burner account and i feel kinda conflicted rn....

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In love with Leo and Diane Dillon’s Greek mythology art, from the 60s Classical Greece book by Time-Life

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Are you sure you want to delete this item?

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AAAAAHHHHHHGHHHHHHHGGGHHGHGVGB

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happy halloween heres swansea throwing it back