#i didn’t have any energy the last few days to draw anything proper for christmas so you’re unfortunately getting this thing I doodled

[cliopadra]

Merry Christmas, don’t forget to kiss your ship’s unicorn for good luck

[monstersandmaw]

Evening to ya, Ghosti✌️😆

Sorry if the wording sounds silly, but I wanted to ask if you know any rituals I could do for the New Years. 🤣 Christmas hasn't been exactly an easy time for me for various reasons and I tend to get the holiday blues pretty bad, and for a long old while New Years has felt very similar. I'm doing my best to feel hopeful and to have some faith for the new year, but it's turning out to be trickier than I anticipated. So I wanted to ask for suggestions as to do anything that could help feeling more hopeful, I dunno. :3

Though feel free to ignore this if you don't have the energy for it. I hope you had delightful holiday however you celebrated!!! 😊💖💖💖💖

Hey anon! (it’s now afternoon here in the UK, and it was morning when I started this! I got a bit carried away). I don’t know that I’m necessarily the right person to ask about this, but here are some ideas of things I’ve found helpful/centring/calming anyway which you could draw from. Other folks, please feel free to chime in with your favourite ways to put the old year to bed and welcome in the new one!

(first of all, I’m sending you lots of virtual ghostli hugs to help drive away those holiday blues. That sucks, and I’m so sorry it’s been so tough for you.)

Here’s a rundown of what’s below, and I’ll put in a ‘keep reading’ so that it’s not an incredibly long post! Some of it is more on the ‘spiritutal’ side of things, and others are just mundane and practical things.

Congratulate yourself on making it through the clusterfuck that was 2020

Make some tea and meditate on what’s been and what you wish for

Go outside, be still, and breathe deeply

Let go of negative events and thoughts by writing them down, then safely burning the paper

Disconnect from social media for a few days (or however long you’re comfortable with)

Start a bullet journal

Write lists of goals for 2021 and then refine/distill them down to 3 manageable objectives

Commit 100% to 6 months of positive change

Pick three dates/months in the year when good things will happen, and make them happen (including growing veg/fruit)

Light a candle on the full moon or New Year

Ok, so, first of all, you’ve made it through this year!! That’s no small accomplishment, given the sheer volume of absolute shite that has been flung at us from all angles, no matter where in the world you live. Celebrate that. Seriously, I’m not being flippant. Take a moment of stillness wherever you are, be ‘present’, and just think about the fact that you’re here, right now, reading this post. Not everyone is here any more for one reason or another, but you did it. Congratulate yourself and celebrate that. Treat yourself to a slice of cake (or something you really enjoy) specifically to celebrate making it through 2020.

Make a cup of tea (try a new blend or recipe perhaps, or stick with your absolute favourite), or make a comforting drink of your choice. As you pour the water into the cup, breathe in the steam and enjoy the scent of it. Try and imbue all the positive things - memories, achievements, moments etc. - that you encountered this year into the tea/drink, and think about them growing in strength as the tea steeps, and envisage them continuing on to next year too. When you drink the tea, you take the positive thoughts into yourself and they become a part of you. You could try it in the morning with a caffeinated drink (if you enjoy those) and let it fuel you for the day, or you could try a herbal tea at night to let the good vibes steep overnight while you rest. Make it part of your daily routine; a private meditation.

Go outside and find a quiet spot somewhere and either stand or sit and just soak up the atmosphere. If there’s a tree nearby, think about the way its roots are planted in the earth, its trunk stands tall, and its branches reach towards the sky. Feel that space inside you. Breathe deeply in and out, visualising your lungs filling to the deepest parts, starting at the bottom. Count to four for each inhale, and six out (or whatever you’re comfortable with, so long as the exhale is longer than the inhale). This will help to still you and calm you.

If you have something fireproof (can just be a ceramic bowl), take a piece of paper and make a moment to write down all the negative things about this year, using a pen that you’re comfortable with. If you’re not one for words, draw pictures. You can make it really beautiful or just scribble it all down - it doesn’t matter. Get that shit out. Look at it for a while and read it through, mentally letting go of each thing as your eyes pass over it, then light one corner (carefully!!!) and let it burn somewhere with good ventilation (a cooker hood is good for that, but outside is better). Visualise all that negativity being swallowed by the universe and let it go. My favourite line from the Seamus Heaney translation of Beowulf comes at Beowulf’s funeral when a Geat woman is singing her grief at his passing to the sky, and there’s the simple sentence: “Heaven swallowed the smoke.” How beautiful is that? The sky swallowed up her grief as she poured it out to the universe. The negativity might take some time to vanish from your life (it’s not going to disappear at the same time as the paper, sadly!), but watching it go can be the first stage of letting things go. I did this last year, and I’m only just letting go of the last things on that list, but it was a start, and it made me feel more at peace. 

Disconnect from social media. I know that with so much more happening online this year out of necessity, we’ve become even more dependant on our phones and computers, and it’s wonderful that we have this chance to connect with people when we can’t see them face to face, but social media can also act as a crucible for negative feelings. People usually post the best or the worst aspects of what’s going on for them or what they care about, so it leads to a skewed view of both the world and of what’s going on amongst our connections. It’s easy to start feeling insignificant next to someone else because of their achievements or their looks etc. and it’s also easy to start to get a bleak outlook when the news is full of terrible stories and people are reacting to it in a volatile and often knee-jerk way. Take some time off - uninstall the apps, or put the limiter setting on, or just step back - for a day, two days, a week, whatever you’re comfortable with. It doesn’t have to be forever. If you use those platforms to talk to people, tell them what you’re doing, and give them another way to reach you if they need. No need to isolate yourself completely!! Think about how you felt before you started it (write it down?) and do the same afterwards, and compare. If it didn’t work for you, then that’s fine too. 

Start a bullet journal! Now is the perfect time to start bullet journaling. I first started this year when I felt like time was slipping through my fingers and my life was out of my control, and it’s really helped me to get a sense of order back. It’s not the magic cure-all for procrastinators and time wasters, trust me, but it can help to organise your mind as well as your day, and keep track of your habits etc. It can be literally whatever tool you need it to be. There’s a trend on social media - particularly Instagram and YouTube - that shows off these gorgeous journals that are basically works of art in themselves, and while it’s absolutely fine to aspire to that if you want to, the essential point of the bullet journal is to be a tool. You can buy print-outs from Etsy if you don’t fancy doing your own spreads. But don’t get completely hung up on pretty spreads and layouts because you won’t use it fully then. If you’ve got ‘new book fear’, like I did, make your own! I literally started my journaling by folding a few pieces of paper over, slapping a few stickers on them to cheer them up, and writing some lists. I didn’t buy a ‘proper’ journal until July 2020 when I’d got the hang of what I wanted out of the tool, and how to use it. I adapted one or two things, and I’ll be changing one or two things for next year, but it was a good way to start.

Here are two ‘minimalist’ journals and styles that I found helpful when setting mine up. They focus on usefulness and practicality, rather than overwhelming, artistic spreads and cutesy designs. I’m about to do a ‘plan with me 2021’ journal video for YouTube, so I’ll put that up when I’ve finished it, in case that’s helpful. 

Elsa Rhae

Pick Up Limes

Write down the things you want to achieve for 2021. These can be more abstract concepts like ‘more organised’ ‘healthier’ ‘start a business’ etc. Then, when you’ve got as many things as you’d ideally love to achieve/accomplish/manifest (don’t hold back at that stage), take another piece of paper and choose a maximum of six from that first lot to focus on, and below that, choose just three absolutely essential things to focus on. Make those your things for 2021.  

Now, this one is a personal one for me, so it may not be applicable at all to you/others, but I’ll share it anyway. For me, I need to make some significant lifestyle changes for my physical and mental health. So, I’ve decided to commit to 6 months of really hard work to bring about those changes. Time is going to pass anyway, from January to June. Six months will come and go anyway. Where will I be in six months’ time? I could be physically and mentally exactly where I am today. That thought is super depressing to me. Or, I could devote 200% focus, commitment, and energy, and bring about those changes, and be the ‘me’ I want to be in six months’ time.

It’s like the adage of ‘given a week to write a speech, it will take you a week, but given a day to write the same speech, it will take you a day’ - your brain will tell you it takes the amount of time that you have at hand to accomplish the task, and that’s simply how long it then takes. Use those three things from the 2021 list above, and commit to making those three things happen.

As an aside, tell someone (whose opinions you value) that you’re going to do this. By telling someone, you’re helping to cement the idea in reality, and you’ve got a support to turn to if it gets rocky, someone to cheer you on, and someone to celebrate with who knew what a struggle and commitment this was to you in the first place. 

Pick three points in the year where good things will happen. Book yourself something nice, save up for something and have it delivered then, or tell yourself that you will have achieved [x] by May, or September, or December. For me, it’s a working draft of my novel, and certain health goals by October, but make it yours, and keep those points fixed in your mind. It will help 2021 not to be one amorphous mass of time, and will give it structure and form. You could also choose to grow something in a pot - lots of vegetables can be grown cheaply from seed in a pot on a windowsill, and you’ll have something tasty to eat at the end of it!!

Here’s a slightly gentler idea to finish with: 

On New Year’s Eve take a moment to yourself, go outside if it’s not raining or too cold etc., light a candle, hold it (safely) in your hands, and be still. It doesn’t have to be exactly at midnight, but it will help your focus if it’s dark. Otherwise, go to a quiet part of the house and turn the lights down so that the candle flame is your focus. As before, think about what you’ve achieved this year, and be honest, not just negative! It’s very easy to say ‘oh I didn’t achieve anything, it all sucks, it was all awful’, when there will be tiny victories tucked away in there, I promise you, even if it was the toughest year of your life. Then think about where you are at the moment, mentally and physically. Acknowledge that state of being. Look at it with honest eyes. This moment is not for anyone else, so you don’t need to colour it one way or another. It’s for you. If you’re finding it hard not to be negative, be neutral. Let those thoughts come and go, and then turn your mind to the future. Mentally feed those negative thoughts into the flame in front of you, one at a time. Say it out loud if that helps, but do what makes you comfortable. Let the light from the flame fill your mind and your heart, and think about your intentions for the new year.  

Tonight (30th Dec) is a full moon, so if that is significant for you, you may wish to do this tonight instead of tomorrow. 

I hope that some of that gives you some inspiration, and I hope that people will chime in with their own new year’s rituals and habits. Be honest with yourself but not harsh, and be positive but not unrealistic. This year has been one hell of a ride, and we’re not done yet... Here in the UK, we’ve got the highest numbers of Covid that we’ve ever had, we’re in the harshest lock down (Tier 4) and can’t visit anyone, and we’re also going through Brexit (which is proving a nightmare for everyone, especially small businesses...).

Control the things you can control, and learn and employ systems to ride out the things that are beyond your influence. And take heart - you have a family of folks on here, all across the world!

[starryeyes-oneshots]

whiskey on ice : part four

[this is the second last part guys!!! I hope you enjoy this part ! If you need to catch up or are looking for the previous parts, you can find part one here ; part two here ; and part three here ]

***

The season of Christmas couldn't come fast enough for both Taylor and Joe. Everything was decorated to the nines in Taylor's apartment: the tree was up in the living room, twinkle-light filled garland surrounded every inch that was available - even in her bedroom. While they absolutely loved spending their days together in New York, time spent at home with family was extremely high on the priority list for both of them. The rest of November carried along smoothly, with many Saturday coffee dates, burning toast for breakfast on Sunday mornings, hanging around at home with Taylor's cats. Something as so simple as grocery shopping felt fun and exciting when they did it together. Everything felt intoxicatingly exciting: due to the pure fact that they were together and everything felt right.

The musical production at Taylor's elementary school was the real kick off to Christmas. The show went much smoother than Taylor had originally thought; she was especially thankful that all of the children were on time, dressed up and ready to go. From what she could tell, the audience filled with parents were thoroughly impressed that all of those small children could be lead to sing songs and perform little dances - even to the exact beat. While Taylor was up at the front conducting the students, Joe sat back in the sea of spectators, recording little clips of Taylor doing what she loved to do best: being with children and teaching music. Her love for music radiated from her, every inch so saturated in passion for what made her heart extremely happy.

An inordinate feeling of complete and utter joy for his girl came over Joe as he intently observed her behaviour and movements throughout the show and as it eventually drew to a close. That was his girl, his Taylor. Despite only being an official couple for a month and a half now, his admiration for her was unimaginable. The way he felt when she looked at him with her sparkling blue eyes was something he had never thought he could ever feel with anyone. Her laugh was infectious, her smile lit up any room she walked into: no matter how big or how small. The way she carried herself with such grace and affection for everyone around her had always been something Joe felt like he couldn't get enough of. She was an ocean of endless elegance, beauty and resiliency to anything life decided to throw at her.

He knew this was where she wanted to be: teaching music to children, filing through piles of potential songs to use in the winter and spring productions each year, spending hours marking note identification quizzes and coming up with new lesson plans each day to keep her kids engaged and having fun. She absolutely loved nothing more than being with those children.

After the show had ended, he patiently waited for her in her classroom, pacing around and looking at everything on the walls and bulletin boards that Taylor had put up. Posters of several instruments, fun ways to remember how many beats were assigned to each type of note and rest, not to mention a picture on her desk that he couldn't ignore. In the white frame was a photo of the two of them sitting together outside in one of the parks he had shown her on her birthday a few days ago. The snow was falling around them, Taylor's head rested on his shoulder and Joe's arm was around her. The two were overlooking one of the ponds that had froze over with a thin layer of ice, the bright moonlight shining above them. He couldn't help but crack a smile at the very fond but lovely night they shared. The British man looked up from the photo and realized it had been nearly an hour and Taylor was no where to be found. He figured that she had a lot to do and many places to be, however it wasn't before long until she arrived in the room: pleasantly surprised that he had waited for her.

"I'm your ride home, remember?" He chuckled, handing her the bouquet of flowers before shoving his hands into the pockets of his dark jeans. Joe had dropped her off a few hours before the show, taking that time to buy the flowers and roam around the small neighbourhood corrugated around the elementary school.

Taylor blushes, bringing the bouquet near her face to smell the beautiful flowers, "You really didn't have to get me these, you know? You should be congratulating the kids, Joe." She spoke seriously, grabbing her coat before slipping it on and picking up her bag from the desk chair.

"Oh Tay, if all of those parents could've seen all of the work you put into this show....they would be beyond amazed. You need to give yourself more credit, love." Joe reassured her, resting his hand on the small of her back as he lead her out of the classroom and out to the car.

Taylor nodded slowly, looking down at her feet as they walked, "Now it's officially Christmas!" She squeals, thrilled that the local school districts were now off until the new year.

"That it is, babe." Joe laughs, opening the passenger door of his car up for her, waiting for her to get in before shutting it and walking around to the other side to climb in himself.

The following afternoon, both Taylor and Joe had flown home to spend time with their families just before Christmas. Even though they would be back in New York the night of the twenty-fifth, the couples' parents were beyond ecstatic to have their children home for the holidays. No amount of text messages, FaceTime calls or sending each other silly gifs and drawings could come even close to being in the same room. There was no denying that the couple missed each other more than anything while they were home, and couldn't wait to be back in New York.

Taylor sighed as she dropped her bags down on the floor in the entrance of her apartment, exhausted from being around her overprotective and overbearing parents. As much as she loved seeing everyone again after months of being away, her time alone in New York was much appreciated. She could be her own person here without fearing the feel of being judged by her parents or snoopy family relatives. It was refreshing to be back.

The young woman took her luggage to the bedroom and shut the door, too unmotivated to deal with it now. She was itching to see her man. The second the call connected and showed up on Joe's phone, he picked up.

"You're home, love!" He smiles, his voice beaming into the phone.

Taylor giggled, flopping down on the couch and staring proudly at her Christmas tree, "I only have one bottle of wine in the fridge, so can you pick some up?"

"Of course. Anything else we need for our little Christmas?" He asked, grabbing his coat to throw on and Taylor's gift that sat on the table by the door. He couldn't wait for her to open it and see the look on her face. It was something simple, but something special: the perfect kind of present for his girl.

"No, I don't think so." She says softly, looking around the main living area of her apartment, "Just you."

Joe nods, "I'm on my way." He smiles, heading down to his car in the underground parking garage, "I'll see you in a bit."

Taylor smiled and hung up the phone, tossing it beside her on the couch before getting up to take the Chinese food out of the paper takeout bag and spreading it out on the counter. She didn't have enough time or energy to cook a proper Christmas dinner, leading to both of them settling happily for takeout after a week of big home cooked meals.

Nearly twenty minutes later a knock on the door echoed through the apartment, startling Taylor slightly during her speed clean of the living room and kitchen. It was a bit of a mess to say the least.

"Come in!" She called, wiping down the coffee table with a piece of paper towel and some cleaner, standing up straight once she wasn't the only person in the room, "Hi!" Taylor giggled, dropping the paper towel and coming over to Joe, wrapping her arms around his neck and pressing several soft kisses to his lips: all of which he gladly reciprocated.

"'m missed you." Joe whispers near her ear, his face buried in her golden hair that cascaded down her back. He gently set down the bag of liquor and her gift before giving her a proper hug, wrapping his arms around her waist and pulling her hips close to his body: missing her physical proximity the most.

Taylor nods slowly, deeply breathing in the familiar scent of his cologne, "I missed you too." She mumbled softly, her fingers gently clenching onto the cotton shirt he was wearing.

Their embrace lasted longer than one usually would, both of them pulling away from one another after a few minutes. Taylor pushed her hair out of her face, a smile engulfing it, "I'm so happy you're here." She grins, adjusting her shirt that had ridden up her abdomen during their hug: exposing a band of bare skin between the shirt and the leggings she was wearing.

Joe smiles, kissing her softly once more before picking up his bags to bring them into the kitchen and removing his coat, "That was the longest week of my life. I forgot how naggy my parents are." He laughs, setting the two bottles of wine in the fridge and throwing away the plastic bag.

Taylor smiles softly, crossing her arms loosely and resting them against her flat abdomen, following him into the kitchen, "Did you tell them about me?" She asked curiously, her voice soft and extremely gentle: something he loved most about her. She had several moments of pure innocency that he never took for granted.

He turned his head to look directly into her bright blue eyes, "Of course I did." Joe nods, dishing up plates filled with Chinese food for the both of them, "Did you think I wouldn't have?"

"No, no." Taylor shakes her head, taking her plate from him once it was ready and pouring herself a glass of the wine she had in the fridge, "I just thought...that maybe you would've kept it a secret for a bit longer. I told my parents about you." She explains, "They are now dying to meet this mysterious man I've found myself needing to be around."

Joe smirks at his girl, grabbing a beer from the fridge for himself and carrying his plate into the living room to sit down on the couch, "I'm pretty sure my parents have already fallen in love with you ten times over." He laughs, digging into his meal.

"What did you say?" Taylor asked, sitting down beside him with her plate in her lap and her glass of wine on the table beside her.

Joe shrugs, "I just told them the truth...and they're ready to meet you so I mean.. I guess we're taking a trip to London, hm?"

"I've always wanted to go to London!" Taylor comments, clearly very excited at the idea of travelling across the Atlantic Ocean to meet his family.

"I'll take you to London...if you take me to your Christmas tree farm in Pennsylvania." He takes a swig of his cold beer, downing more of the Chinese food.

Taylor laughs, shaking her head softly, "It's just a bunch of trees-"

"With bugs on them!" Joe adds, remembering what she had told him about her childhood job the night they met.

She nods, setting down her plate of food and picking up the wine glass, "Yes with the bugs on them. I'm not sure who's doing it now....definitely not me."

After dinner was finished and both Joe and Taylor had finished their first drink of the night, Joe got up from the couch and went over to the tree to pick up his gift for Taylor, "It wouldn't be Christmas without presents." He smiles, sitting back down beside her and handing her the delicate box.

Taylor covered her mouth with her hands, a surprised face hidden underneath and a gasp escaping her lips, "I didn't think we were doing this today?"

The British man laughs, "After all, it is Christmas, baby. Please open your gift."

Taylor nods, carefully unwrapping the box and setting the paper onto the coffee table before opening the box to reveal a silver pendant necklace with the letter 'j' engraved on the front, "Joe!" She squeals softly, "It's beautiful! Oh my goodness...I love it!"

"Here, I'll help you put it on." He smiles, watching her take the necklace out of the box before handing it to him. He undid the clasp, waiting for her to hold her hair up so he could wrap it around her neck and secure it.

"Joe... I..I absolutely love this." She says softly, holding the pendant around her neck and staring at it in utter awe.

He presses a soft kiss to her lips and smiles brightly, "I'm glad you love it. I couldn't wait to see the look on your face."

"Now it's time for your present!" Taylor beams, practically jumping up from the couch to grab his wrapped gift. She set it in his lap, taking her place back on the couch and watching his face change once the wrapping paper had been discarded onto the floor.

"Tay..this...this is amazing." He grins, nearly at a loss for words as he stared at the CD disc in front of him.

"It's all of the songs that make me think of you and us when I listen them," She explains, "I know it's cheesy, but you love cheesy and you're always listening to my favourite songs with me. So I figured I could give you a set of your own."

Joe stares at his gift for a few moments, a huge smile on his face, "I love it so much, thank you, lovely."

As the night progressed, the Christmas movies kept playing and the wine glasses kept refilling. Joe had stopped just after a couple beers, but Taylor kept wanting to drink her wine: clearly stressed from the last several weeks with work and the holidays. It wasn't a secret to Joe that she was clearly a light-weight and was already pretty piss-ass drunk. He knew that neither of them had places to be tomorrow or people to see, so letting her sleep in to try and combat her hangover wouldn't be an issue.

"Taylor, love." Joe says softly, moving to help her to sit up from leaning against his chest, "I think it's time to get you to bed."

She stirs with a groan before reluctantly sitting up on the couch: her hair tussled and cheeks bright red from the lack of water she had consumed, "I don't wanna." Taylor mumbles, a slight whine at the end of her sentence.

Joe sighs, standing in front of the couch before reaching out to take Taylor's hands and attempting to help her up, "Come on, baby."

"Can...you..carry me....." She slips up on her words, slurring them on the warm air in the room.

He smiles softly, wrapping one arm around her back and the other under her legs before lifting her up bridal style, listening to Taylor's rambling.

"Joe?" Taylor slurs, her eyes half closed as she felt Joe carrying her into the bedroom at the end of the hallway in her apartment.

He yawns, pushing open Taylor's bedroom door and gently laying her down on the white duvet of her bed, "Yes, sunshine?"

"I love you so much. I love you I love you I love you." Taylor says quite clearly, surprising for how intoxicated she was.

A part of him wanted to believe every word that she was saying, because he too felt the exact same way about her. He had fallen in love with her and was undeniably in love with her. Every time he looked at her, it was like the first time all over again: in that dive bar on the east side, Taylor in a little black dress where he introduced her to his favourite drink - whiskey on ice. The other part of him knew all too well that she was no where near sober, enjoying her wine a bit too much in the last few hours to allow her head to think or speak clearly.

Before Joe could respond, his girl had dozed off on top of her blankets and sheets, curled up in a ball with her hair covering her face. He carefully got her in between the white sheets, before pulling up the duvet over her small body: clothed in just a pair of black leggings and a deep blue knitted sweater. Joe didn't want to run the risk of waking her up, figuring she would be comfortable enough in the clothes she had on.

Once he went back into the main room to shut the lights off and clean up a little, Joe tiptoed quietly into Taylor's room, climbing into the other side of her bed before quickly falling asleep.

The next morning, Taylor stirred in her bed as she slowly began to wake up from her deep sleep. She scrunched her nose and screwed her eyes shut, stretching her arms and coming to realize how big of a pulsating headache she had made for herself.

She turned her head to the other side of the bed, where it was made up and Taylor had no idea if Joe had slept with her or left her apartment all together. Sitting up in the bed, Taylor blinked several times to get used to the light that was coming in through the window. The young woman emerged from the dark hallway in the same clothes she had on yesterday, her hair all over the place and her makeup smudged from sleeping.

"Good morning, beautiful!" Joe smiles gently, standing at the stove as he watched over the pan with scrambled eggs cooking in it, "Did you sleep well?"

Taylor furrowed her eyebrows, pleasantly surprised that he was still here after her night of too many glasses of wine, "What happened last night? Did we...oh god..please don't tell me we did it and I don't remember. I want to remember that." She mumbles, her eyes wide as she touched her cheeks with her hands and looked at Joe with a terrified look on her face.

Joe chuckles, turning off the burner and moving the pan to a cool area on the stove, "No, we didn't do that." He assured her with a shake of his head, "But you were pretty talkative last night before you passed out in your bed."

She comes closer to the where Joe was in the kitchen, sitting down on one of the bar stools across the island from him, "Oh lord what did I say?"

Joe blushed softly, looking down at the pan before moving the eggs onto a plate for Taylor, "You might have said once or twice...or four times that you love me."

Her eyes stayed as wide as they could be, red filling in on her cheeks, "Well that's slightly...um...did you say anything after?"

He shook his head, sliding the plate of eggs towards Taylor, "You passed out before I could say anything."

Taylor nods, "Well um...I wasn't lying."

Joe beams, grinning from ear to ear as he heard her words echo through the room, "You weren't?"

"I love you Joe." She nods, evidently dead serious about what she was saying, "That's one thing that I'm sure of."

"I'm sure that I love you too, Taylor." Joe smiles at her brightly, wondering how it could get better than this.

[thewritewolf]

Truesight Chapter 12

I remember when I was writing this chapter, I was surprised to realize it was the first actual appearance of Gabriel in my story. Maybe it’s because I like writing fluff, and where there is Gabriel, there cannot be fluff. 

Enjoy!

Read the full chapter on AO3

Adrien awoke in a cold sweat, Plagg still sleeping near his head. He put his hands to his face and tried to remember the dream that woke him up, but he only caught fleeting glimpses of the scene that was so vivid, so real just moments ago. He checked his phone for the time. Four in the morning. And he was completely awake now. Perfect.

Plagg stirred. “Turn that thing off. Some of us still have a chance to get some beauty sleep.”

Adrien rolled his eyes, but returned the room to darkness. Plagg's tiny snoring rumbled against his blonde head as he stared at the ceiling. It had been two weeks since Rena had been permanently gifted the Fox miraculous, and Christmas was fast approaching. He'd gotten presents for his (admittedly few) friends, with one notable exception. He had been struggling with what to get Marinette. It wouldn't be so difficult, except he suspected that she was making him some awesome stuff. Because of that, he didn't want to just buy her something like he did the rest of his friends – superheroes and civilians like.

Well, there was a second reason why he wanted to get her, in particular, something special, but he was barely ready to admit that to himself let alone say it out loud.

Knowing her love for fashion, he had toyed with the idea of making her clothing, and he even made some sketches. The big problem was... well, they were bad. Turns out being able to wear clothing professionally did not confer the ability to design them. Nonetheless, maybe she would find it endearing. Like a child's macaroni painting. He sighed. He had to at least try before he gave up.

He clambered out of bed, much to the irritation of Plagg. The kwami changed his tune once he had the entire, warm pillow to himself. Adrien snatched his mostly-unused sketchbook off his side table and stealthily made his way out of his room. He didn't bother dressing up – he wasn't planning on going anywhere today until late in the evening for training with the others. He frowned. We need a name for this team.

Mentally working on his names to present to the others, he sneaked into his father's typically unused workshop. There was reams of untouched fabric here, plenty of supplies, and, most importantly, a sewing machine. As he gathered up what he needed, he was reminded of a time, years ago, when he would walk into this very room and watch his father work. He hadn't been much warmer back then, but at least he hadn't minded the company.

Of course, these days, if he tried that, he was usually told that Adrien had better things to do, or that his father needed quiet so he could focus. One less connecting thread between him and his father...

He accidentally tore the fabric he was working on. He growled under his breath and started again. His father had made it look so easy, with his dexterous fingers practically dancing around the fabric, unerringly guiding the raw materials into beautiful pieces. Almost as if that was what they were destined to be from the beginning. It didn't surprise him that Marinette had looked up to Gabriel Agreste – at least, as the pinnacle of the profession she yearned to join. As she got to know him better through Adrien's infrequent allusions to his home life, she seemed to have lost a lot of her awe for his father as a person. At the very least, she didn't bring him up in conversation anymore, nor follow his fashion lines as closely.

Adrien frowned. Should he really be making people think such things about his father? He jolted as he accidentally pricked his finger. I really shouldn't let my mind wander when I'm working. Maybe that's why Marinette plays movies while she works?

He stashed that information aside with a proud grin. This task was already giving him insight into his friend's habits. Even if he completely failed to make anything, that alone was worth the hassle.

The opening of the door – and, more importantly, the familiar figure that stood there – made him reconsider. After all, if his father killed him before he could make use of this insight, then it probably hadn't been worth it.

“Adrien? What are you doing up this early? And in my workshop, no less.” His tone took on a more accusatory edge. “Rifling through my personal belongings? Again?”

Adrien winced. His father hadn't forgotten how he'd almost lost his book of inspiration – which, unbeknownst to his father, contained the accumulated lore of the miraculous. Adrien donned the proper expression when appeasing his father – cowed and deferential. “Sorry, father. A nightmare woke me up, and I couldn't get back to sleep. I wanted to see if I could use the time productively.”

Gabriel Agreste let his eyes slowly pan across the area that Adrien had been working in. His eyes narrowed at the several false starts that had been piling up beside Adrien, who grimaced as he waited for his father to pass verdict. “Why are you wasting so much fabric?”

He chafed under that question, some boldness slipping back into him. It wasn't a waste – it was for Marinette. “I'm trying to make a gift for one of my friends. I think she is making me something, so I wanted to return the favor.”

His father once again took in the small pile of ruined fabrics, then looked back at Adrien. He rubbed his chin thoughtfully and seemed to at last notice Adrien's sketchbook. “Is that the design you are working from?” He nodded. “Give it to me.” Begrudgingly, he did so. His father raised an eyebrow imperiously. “A dress, hm? You are finally motivated into fashion because of a girl, then.” Adrien was about to respond when his father held up a hand to forestall him.

While Gabriel carefully examined the design, Adrien felt a sense of inadequacy bubble to the surface. Why did I think this was a good idea? Gabriel made disapproving noises as he pointed out several design flaws. “Little of this fits together to form a cohesive whole. Certain structural flaws make it so that this dress would fall apart after a few washings, or vigorous use. It would also be inconvenient to wear. And you seem to have only a rough estimate of her size. Overall, disastrous.” He looked back up at his son. “Who is this for, exactly?”

Adrien, still reeling from the frank dismissal of his design, responded glumly, “Marinette.” Some of his energy returned as he expanded on this, seeing the lack of recognition in his eyes. “She goes to my school. She won your derby hat competition?”

“Ah yes. She has a talent for design, from what I saw.” His eyebrows scrunched up in thought. “Didn't she wear the Ladybug costume that I had made for Clara Nightingale's canceled music video?”

“Yes, father.”

“It fit her like a glove, if I recall.” He narrowed his eyes. “Wait here.”

Adrien didn't respond and simply did as he was told, shoulders hunched and head hanging. He hadn't gone into this thinking that he'd make something to rival what Marinette was making for him, but now he realized how bad of an idea it was to have tried to do so at all. It would have been insulting to her to receive something so well crafted from her, only to give a shoddy dress in return. He sighed. Back to the drawing board...

Gabriel Agreste returned a few minutes later, an electronic pad in hand. “Thankfully, I still have the measurements for that design here. I can use those measurements when redesigning this dress.”

“Father? What do you mean?”

“If you still want to make this dress, then we are going to do it properly. We cannot have the Agreste name attached to anything but the most exquisite of craftsmanship – even if it is only meant as a Christmas gift. Give me a few minutes to rework your piece. I see you made it for use in spring, autumn, and winter?”

This began a barrage of questions as to Adrien's design philosophy, which, since it was largely nonexistent beyond thinking 'this would be neat,' he had to make up on the spot most of the time to avoid looking more like an idiot in front of his father. Still, the next few hours were fruitful and most of the dress was complete by the time his father had other matters to attend to. Adrien was beaming by the end. It had been peaceful, and certainly had been the longest he had interacted with his father in a long time.

By the time he had returned to his room, Plagg was... well, he was still sleeping, but he had definitely been awake at some point in the interim if the cheese wrappings were any clue. He checked his phone. Ten in the morning. Still some time before his Chinese tutor came over. He pulled out a black mass from under his bed.

He had been surprised when he found the Chat-themed (i.e. black with lime green paw prints and some images of bells scattered across it) fabric at the store. He felt obligated to get something for Marinette, both as Adrien and Chat Noir, since she had gotten something for both of them. While Adrien could give her quality dresses made from Agreste fabrics, that might be too much of a hint if it came from Chat. So it had to be something simple and unattached to the Agreste name.

When he saw the soft fabric, he had been struck by inspiration. Hence why he was now sitting on his couch, making a tie blanket. He had been slowly working on it in his limited spare time, and it was almost done. Adrien smiled to himself, thinking about how he would now get the opportunity to watch Marinette's face light up twice when he gave her these gifts.

[dingoat]

Fic Writer Tag Meme

Meep! Thanks for tagging me, @cinlat!!

I was given leeway to answer regarding art rather than writing, haha, which is probably a good thing since the only solid writing I’ve done outside of RP in maaany long years is my current derpy WIP and I’ve never considered getting an A03 account (though here’s me taking a peek right now).

What is your total word count on AO3 (or art count on your far too full computer)?

Ahaha. Well my current little fic is sitting at 19,740. I’m awfully proud of that effort so far!

As far as art goes... hrnnng. I could never tally a proper ‘total art count’, but let’s look at my Star Wars art folders specifically... mrgh. There is no easy way to sort/count these since my filing system is ridiculous and I have odd things all over the place, but at a very quick/rough guess, I’ve got some 650 odd drawings done specifically relating to Star Wars RP, dating back to our first home tabletop campaign. That’s NOT including all the frames done for the few derpy animation projects I’ve done which would... easily push it into the thousands, but I’m not travelling down that particular rabbit hole tonight. XD

How often do you write (or art)?

Easily every day I’m not at work, and then depending on my energy levels a lot of evenings I’ll get a bit of something done, even if it’s just a few lines or a spot of colour. Honestly you could probably work out my work schedule/holiday time out pretty perfectly based on my art posting/productivity, heh.

Do you have a routine for writing (or arting)?

Mmm. Anywhere/everywhere, which usually winds up being; most sketch work done on the couch with some sort of TV show/movie going on in the background, and colouring done at the computer between playing games, snippets of writing, lots of internet browsing (some of it actual useful reference stuff), liberal voice chatting and possibly also working on a sketch in my lap at the same damn time.

What are your favourite kinks/tropes/pairing?

Kinks:

UM. Okay I guess I can admit I’m a sucker for fluffy fluffy romance with all the love and sweetness going on? I don’t even know if that counts as a kink, I don’t know how to answer this otherwise. I also like werewolves.

Tropes:

‘I’m a monster’. I guess this counts more for the storytelling that inspires my art more than the art itself? But damn, give my character someone who considers themselves a monster- quite literally in the case for Jak, or more figuratively as was the case for Ahuska, and I am SOLD. The feelings will happen, and the feelings lead to the drawings.

Pairing:

Ahuska/Crow: Obviously this is, like, the overwhelming majority of where my head is at when it comes to couple stuff. And to think I’d gone and created a lil Mando Bothan with absolutely ZERO intent of pursuing a romance with her! Thank you, @humanrevolt , for changing that. :D

Jak/Wylluf: They don’t get a lot of screen time right now but damn, I do want to get back to their story one of these days! Jak was my main for a long long time, a Saga Edition tabletop character that I didn’t want to let go once the campaign ended, so my husband let us carry on with her and her mad scientist husband even when all else was over and done.

Ulfran/Lyrisal: So, not exactly a pairing, since @humanrevolt ‘s Lyrisal is very much attached to Nines and I don’t think Ulfran would make any moves even if she was single, but still. I love their history, their relationship, I love writing their interactions!

Do you have a favourite fic (or art) of yours?

Okay I definitely need to have more than 3/4 of a fic to answer this for writing. But for art... so hard to choose a single one. SO HARD. I am definitely still super fond of the little Christmas one I did last year though.

^ that one

Your fic with the most kudos (or art with most likes, I guess)?

I feel like it’s that completely random werewolf I did last year? Yep- it’s currently beating that one bit of Moana fanart I did at 635 notes. Still weird to see that figure since honestly I still get excited to see notes hit double digits on any piece, haha.

Anything you don’t like about your writing (or art)?

Ehhh, all the usual things I’m sure. I’m super critical of my own stuff, and often get stuck in a rut of feeling like everything is the same, always the same. Sometimes I wish I could do my lineart digitally, and I know I... could, if I was willing to put in the time to practice?

Now something you do like?

NO THIS IS HARD I don’t know. I just like it when I manage to make something that makes me feel happy to look at. Better yet if it makes someone else happy to see it. Even better if those happy feelings are still there looking at the thing months down the track. That’s the whole point of it all, really, when it comes down to it, right?

[chatcolat]

Ossuary  chatcolat

One shot about Nico and Will going on a not-date trip to an ossuary and coming back boyfriends or something. Solangelo 

Nico wasn’t sure why he was spending so much more time around Camp Half Blood. Though he had been in charge of performing proper funeral rights for all those who died fighting the Earth Mother, Greek or Roman, he ended up back with the Greeks.

At first he spent most of his time with Jason, and then Piper by extension. With a lot of support and encouragement from Jason, he finally told Piper that he was gay. It was not easy, but it no longer made him shake and feel like vomiting. Being a daughter of Aphrodite, the news made Piper ridiculously excited.

“We should find you a boyfriend,” she insisted.

“No, really, let’s not,” he insisted, trying not to glance at the Apollo cabin. Piper was mourning Leo still - they all were - and focusing on Nico seemed to make her a lot happier.

“Play along and I promise to keep her from causing any actual harm,” Jason pleaded under his breath. Nico nodded. He would never say it out loud, but he liked the attention.

“You can’t tell anyone else, though, okay?” He explained.

“Duh,” Piper replied. “Also, I am SO glad you got over Percy. You can do better.”

She scouted around the camp grounds, watching kids play volleyball, canoe across the lake, or pick strawberries in the fields. Her eyes landed on Drew Tanaka, whispering with a few of her friends. She frowned thoughtfully. “Also, if anyone gives you trouble, or tries to push you into anything, you let me know and I’ll bring the full wrath of Aphrodite down on them.”

Nico turned beet red while Jason laughed and said something along the lines of I told you telling Piper would be a good idea.

 There were a lot of things Nico liked about camp. He liked his cabin, even if he was the only one in it. He had been decorating, making it more like a home - it wasn’t perfect, but it was better. He liked the lake and the strawberry fields. Sitting out in the late summer sun stirred far off memories of his childhood in Italy. Those memories used to be painful, a too-bright spot in a world of dark, but with things looking a lot less gloomy lately, lying in the grass on a summer day no longer made his heart ache. He was starting to prefer spending time in the sun to time in the dark of the Hades cabin. Sure, he still liked the shadows – they would always be a part of him, his birthright – but he realized that didn’t mean he couldn’t live in the light too.

When he went to visit Hazel for a weekend in New Rome, she commented, “Nico, you look so healthy! I swear you used to look covered in talcum.” He hadn’t noticed, but his skin had darkened to the deep olive shade it had been in his childhood. He felt better, stronger. His head no longer ached with poisonous thoughts. His chest no longer hurt all the time as it tried to carry the weight of his hopelessness.

“Piper and Jason are going to go look for Leo again, but they’re settling here for school,” Nico told her. It made him a little sad. He would miss having them around all the time. The thought of being known used to terrify him, but now? Now it was comforting. He would miss that comfort.

“Percy and Annabeth’ll be back in New York though!” You won’t be alone. Hazel knew him too, just a different side of him. The dark, lonely thoughts of children of Hades, lost in time, swirled through her head too.

“Plus you can always come visit us!” Frank insisted. Nico smiled. Frank meant it, and that meant the world to him.

“Of course. Jason wanted help with the postmortem aspects of his Pontifex Maximus job,” said Nico. “But I’ve been making friends at Camp Half Blood, too. The kids of Apollo won’t leave me alone.” He said it like he was annoyed, but he didn’t mind. Especially when it was really just one particular son of Apollo that seemed to take pleasure in constantly inserting himself into Nico’s life. He should tell them, but he wasn’t sure he was ready. Hazel was, after all, still adapting to a lot of modern conventions. Having a homosexual brother was perhaps a little too much just yet.

 Will Solace had proved the words he spoke during the battle with Gaea true. Nico was wanted at Camp. People invited him to play volleyball, pick strawberries, and even play capture the flag (as long as he kept his “Underworld magic” out of it). He had been dragged into learning how to row a canoe. More than a few campers got a kick out of seeing the son of Hades struggle at something.

“It’s comforting for them to see you aren’t perfect,” Will explained after fishing Nico out of the lake.

“Of course I’m not perfect,” his face was bright red. He hoped Will thought it was from nearly drowning and not because their hands were touching.

Will laughed. “Yeah, you’re just the strongest demigod of the century or something. No big deal.”

Nico scowled and a few kids around the docks backed up. Will shoved him back in the lake.

“I thought you were my doctor!” He spluttered as he came back up, desperately trying to grab the edge of the dock. He could swim, but just barely. It was more of a dog paddle.

“Yes. Exactly. You need to stop glaring at everyone and lighten up or your face will get stuck like that.” He made a very exaggerated imitation of Nico frowning. “Doctor’s orders.”

Nico grabbed Will’s unguarded ankle and pulled him in as well. When Will resurfaced, the two of them put on quite a show of trying to beat each other to the ladder. A small crowd gathered around and to watch, laughing at their theatrics. Nico could very safely say he had never enjoyed an afternoon more.

 He told Reyna first during one of their Iris messages. After she moved back to New Rome, they had made a regular talking schedule. Nico felt like he now had two sisters in the Roman camp.

“I hope he’s better than a legacy of Apollo,” she muttered. But when Nico reminded her of the boy that had bickered with him through the entire battle with Gaea, she smiled. It wasn’t like Reyna was giving him her blessing, but just being able to talk about it made him feel more confident, less anxious. His heart palpitations no longer scared him after that.

 The night before Piper and Jason left for their cross-country search for Leo, he told them about how his heart sped up and little butterflies fluttered to life in his stomach every time Will smiled.

Piper, who had been anxious the past few days as they prepared for their trip, lit up like it was Christmas. “Perfect choice. Excellent choice.”

“Don’t push him,” Jason chided. Piper shook her head.

“I’m not, am I Nico?” Nico didn’t want to turn this into a thing, he just wanted some advice. He didn’t want this to end the way his slow, painful burn for Percy had been.

“Just tell him,” Piper told him. “Be straightforward and upfront. I wasted so much time trying to get Jason to pay attention – or, well, that’s what Hera made me think – but really, it is a waste of time and energy.”

“And if he’s not into guys and I make a fool of myself?”

The two exchanged a look.

“Nico,” Jason began. “The whole camp knows Will is gay. He even got some people together last year to go to Pride in the City.”

This was news to Nico. Most things about Camp life were, but this was especially new. It made his old anxiety bubble up again. What did people think, then, about how close the two of them had grown? They were just friends after all. But did people think it was more than that?

“Just go for it!” Piper encouraged. “And then Iris message us EVERYTHING. If you need any curses from Aphrodite, I’ll rush back here in a heartbeat. I also think Clarisse will smite anyone who gives you trouble. She can be a brute, but her hearts in the right place.”

“Do what makes you happiest,” Jason smiled at him.  Nico smiled back. It didn’t hurt anymore.

  A few days after Jason and Piper left, Nico was laying on one of the hills that overlooked a strawberry patch. It was a pleasantly warm day and he had drifted off. It wasn’t a true sleep – he could still hear camp life going around him– but peaceful enough anyways. There was a cool breeze coming off the water, rustling the soft grass. The smell of ripe strawberries hung in the air. A shadow passed over his face and the grass beside him rustled. He cracked an eye open and caught a glimpse of Will settling into the grass next to him with the small backpack he carted around sometimes. It was mostly medical textbooks with disturbing images and gruesome descriptions of various ailments.

He was flipping through a notebook, no doubt filled with notes in his meticulous handwriting. How a dyslexic wannabe doctor had that nice of handwriting, Nico would never know.

Jason’s words floated back over him.  Everyone knows Will is gay. Did that mean Will already liked him? Is that why he went out of his way to hang out with him? Were they still friends or had they become something more? Friends. How did you tell when that line was crossed? Could it be crossed without them even speaking a word of it? Nico snuck another peak at Will, opening his eyes just enough to see the boy, but not enough that would give him away.

“I know you’re awake,” Will said after awhile. Nico quickly closed his eyes.  

“I was sleeping,” Nico corrected. “You woke me up.”

Will shrugged but smiled when Nico finally opened his eyes and turned to face him. “You’ve been ‘sleeping’ up here all morning. You missed lunch, which is bad for your health. Time to wake up. I’m still your doctor.”

Nico laughed, and regretted it. Even when he didn’t mean to, his laughs still came out bitter. But Will either didn’t notice or was used to it by now.

“What’re you doing?” Nico asked casually, trying to get a better look at the notebook. It was filled with drawn images of different types of bone breaks, each bone carefully labeled, with detailed instructions on how to set them. Will was good at drawing. He took his studies a lot more seriously than Percy.

School and studying were curious to Nico. He had barely attended a class since the 1930s, so things like college were not open to him. Percy and Annabeth would start school in New Rome next year and here Will was studying for a specialized medical program in New Rome designed for demigods who had a little more medical training than the average mortal college student. Will’s books fascinated him. He had even convinced Percy and Annabeth to let him look over some of the summer homework they brought when they visited on weekends. Annabeth explained a lot of it to him, but be struggled over the words – more from lack of formal education than the typical demigod dyslexia. Part of him wished he could go off to college with everyone else.

“Going over some notes from a few textbooks a son of Apollo in New Rome sent up. Just wanna get ahead, you know?” Will shrugged. Nico didn’t know, but he kept it off his face.

“Is that a thing people do, or just you?”

Will looked at him and grinned. When he smiled there was no denying that he was a son of the sun god. When he smiled, Nico wasn’t sure how long he could go on trying to sort through the endless stream of questions in his head. Friends or friends?

“It’s recommended, but I’ve already skimmed all the books for first year bio students, so…“

“Both?” Nico finished from him with a laugh. He sat up and looked over the book. Cliché as it was, Nico was already something of an expert of skeletons, even if some of the more scientific names escaped him. For example, he knew about the three small bones in the ear, but he didn’t know they were called the ossicles collectively (Will had a small note next to them: how they hell do you break these?). Will’s handwriting was really nice. He smelled nice too. No, stop that.  

“So, I was thinking,” Will smiled in a way more befitting a child of Hermes than Apollo. “There’s only a few days until camp closes for the summer, but a few weeks before school starts again – at least for me.”

Nico nodded. He had been trying to decide what to do with himself during the Camp offseason. He didn’t want to go back to traveling alone again, but he wasn’t sure what other options he had. Staying around Camp Half Blood while everyone else was gone seemed pointless.

“And I was thinking, you know, we could take a trip.”

“What?” Nico was caught off guard, the sentences churning like the Labyrinth down a path he hadn’t expected.

“Right,” Will looked a little embarrassed. “See, I was reading some stuff online, like weird places to go and what not, and I found this awesome church-“

“Full of bones?” Nico knew where this was going. “Because I’m the son of Hades?”

Will had moved from embarrassed to flustered. “Well, yes, but it’s actually really cool. There was this blind monk - no wait, back up – there’s this special kind of church with like some holy dirt, so a lot of people wanted to be buried there, but after awhile there was no space and they were trying to expand. So then they start exhuming bodies and this blind monk starts making cool-,” he cleared his throat, “making art with them, so more people could buy plots to bury their dead, but the bones never leave consecrated ground.” He paused to take a breath then muttered, “I thought it was really cool. And I feel like you are the only one who isn’t going to judge me for that.”

“Oh, I’m judging you, Son of Apollo.” Nico laughed. Will was good at making him laugh. Maybe if he did it enough it would stop sounding so disturbed.

“But, it’s cool right?”

Nico looked around. Generally, he tried to avoid talking about bones and things around other people. It added to the Son of the God of the Dead creep factor. But if a son of Apollo admits it first? And they were friends, right?

“Yeah, it’s pretty cool. Where is it?”

The anxiety in Will’s face melted into another one of those award-winning smiles. Nico felt a little dizzy.

“Just outside of Prague!” Will grinned. Nico opened his mouth to comment but Will beat him to it. “No, wait. See, I know it’s far. But we could fly there in less than a day! I don’t have a passport, and I bet yours expired like what, 70 years ago? But we can borrow the Apollo cabin chariot.”

“That sounds like an abuse of power,” Nico teased.

“Probably. But I haven’t left New York in years. Plus, there’s a bone chandelier.”

“A bone chandelier?” Nico really wanted to go, but there were so many things that could go wrong. Monsters could attack. Mortal police could discover their lack of papers. Nico might do something stupid and kiss him.

“Yes, wait a minute,” Will was on a roll and cut him off before he could voice the first two. “Let me finish dispelling all that negativity flowing out of you. You spent all summer in Europe, I know. But it was running from monsters and being captured and so on. Plus, with the giants and Gaia gone, most monsters tend to avoid you anyways right? So being a tourist is probably better. Plus, did I mention no soul-sucking shadow travel?”

Nico couldn’t argue. He wanted to go and the practical side of his brain seemed to be on holiday. Part of him even wished they could go back to Venice, but that was pushing it. “How are we funding this?”

“I found some very sweet deals for lodgings as long as we can forge some decent passports, and Connor owes me, so that is also easily taken care of. Do you have a bit of mortal money?”

“Funny enough, I have an account that’s been collecting interest since the 1940s.”

 Nico was not really sure how Will had managed to book this trip so fast – the internet sure is amazing – or how they had managed to cross the north Atlantic with only two monster attacks, but three days after their conversation on the hill, Nico found himself wandering through the streets of Prague. Half the roads were cobbled and the buildings all looked like the world had when he was a kid. But it was still undeniably a 21st century city. As he sat at a Starbucks across from a tram stop he thought I should bring Hazel here. This place was timeless, which made it a perfect place for time displaced demigods.

“So,” Will started as he came back out to the table with their drink orders. Nico looked at his espresso suspiciously but said nothing as Will settled into his seat, looking content with whatever was mixed under all the whipped cream on top. “Prague is pretty cool.”

“We have Starbucks in America,” Nico pointed out. He tried not to make a face as he took a sip. It was not espresso. His displeasure did not escape Will’s notice.

“Okay, you are still obviously missing a few points of modernity. No one goes to Starbucks for their quality coffee.”

“They get those?” He pointed to the thing Will was happily drinking.

“Frappuccino,” Will provided.

Nico frowned. “Is that supposed to be Italian?”

Will shrugged and offered the drink to him. “It’s caramel.”

Nico looked at it with skepticism, but accepted it anyways. It was a lot better than his ‘espresso’. He handed it back longingly. “Yeah, okay, it’s good.”

“The trick is to not think of it as coffee,” Will said with a wink and took another big sip.  

Nico realized awhile ago Will made it hard for him to think straight, so he was not too surprised when he saw his hand reach out to pull the drink back for another sip.

“I can get you one,” Will laughed.

Nico shook his head as he handed it back. “Aren’t you still playing doctor? This much sugar’ll probably kill me.”

Will shrugged and pulled the lid off to eat some of the whipped cream. “So tomorrow we take the train out to Sedlec,” he stumbled over the Czech name, but it didn’t seem to bother him. “Should take and hour or so.”

“All this regular travel takes forever,” Nico muttered. Sure, it was easier to cross continents in a plane or a chariot, but the idea of taking a train for an hour when he could have just shadow traveled in a few minutes a few months ago? It hurt. He how long until he could start using his Ghost King powers again?

“Ha. No. Don’t even start. If you disappear into the shadows, this trip will suck. I can’t make excuses for this trip without you.”

“Aha, the real reason you wanted me to come along. I’m being used so you look less creepy for suggesting going on vacation to an ossuary.” Nico was joking, or at least, he said it like he was joking. Part of him worried it was true. The part of him that had no friends until a month was still convinced this was all a dream or some crazy trick concocted by some other campers. But no. They were friends, right? Friends? Maybe?

“Yes, that exactly. I didn’t invite you for your company or anything,” Will said. Nico could appreciate the snarky tone. Will handed the drink back to Nico. “By the way, on a scale of one to umbra, how shadowy are you feeling today?”

“You aren’t actually my doctor,” Nico replied.

“No, but I am your friend. I’m allowed to worry.”

Nico wished making his heart stop fluttering was as easy as shadow travel.  “I’m fine. Probably a two or three – a solid ray of sunshine.” They both glanced down at his black jeans and skull tee-shirt and laughed.

After a moment of silently passing the Frappuccino back and forth, Will said, “I would be sad if you disappeared, though. Not just because it’d be hard to explain back home, but because I would miss you.” Will’s nervous eyes wouldn’t meet his, which only made Nico’s heart beat faster. If he was nervous too, did that mean he was trying to figure it out too? Were they friends or friends?

There was a tension in the air that wasn’t there before, like they both realized that sneaking away for a trip to Prague together was maybe not something normal friends did. Was this, sitting and drinking coffee together, a date?

No, no, no. Nico scolded himself. Thinking like this made his heart beat faster and the tumbling of wings in his stomach almost unbearable.

He reached for the Frappuccino and stood up. “Wanna explore the city?”

Will grinned. “There’s this giant radio tower with giant babies climbing up it.”

 Sedlec Ossuary was tucked out of the way in the little town. They ended up going to another church first before getting directions to the church of bones.

“This is it?” Will asked. They stood in front of a much smaller church than the last one.

“I feel death,” Nico said by way of affirmation.

Will scoffed. “You said that about the last one.” It wasn’t his fault. Churches were haunted places. Funerary rites and graveyards left lots of spirits and bones hanging around. This could be applied to small European towns in general. So many dead over the centuries from war, plague, and hatred. It got overwhelming.

“Yeah, but this one has a skull on the gate.”

Will looked up and nodded. “Right. Here we come, bone chandelier!” He said it with a little too much enthusiasm but the other people milling about were either also tourists who understood the macabre interest or locals who were probably used to it. No one even glanced twice at Nico.

They walked through a tiny and crowded but loved graveyard and into the church. There was a small admittance fee they paid to a very bored looking youth, and then steps down into the crypt. Will hesitated at the top, his eyes fixed on the bones fixed to the walls. Some dangled down over the stairs. Others imitated the architecture, following arches around the ceiling. On a low wall over the stairs was what looked like a crucifix made of bones with femurs making sun rays around the skeletal representation of Christ. Nico thought it was kind of awesome.

“You can’t chicken out now.”

“Why are we here again?” He asked. For a second, Nico genuinely believed him. The doubts that any of this was real or possible swam around in his brain. Then his eyes met Will’s blue ones and Nico realized he wasn’t asking why he was here with him, he was remembering his demigod mortality. Going into basements decorated with bones was definitely a no-no for children of the gods who didn’t want to die. “Nothing is like, gonna kill us down there right?”

Nico relaxed and tried to smile in a way that was comforting, but he wasn’t sure that was possible for a child of Hades in a church of bones. “No angry ghosts. The magic dirt must have been really good. Plus you’re with a son of Hades. This is my element – literally.”

Will nodded, then slipped his hand in Nico’s and started down the stairs. Nico, surprised, came stumbling after, his face growing warmer with each step. There were lots of tourists around them. Plenty of people to notice. What would they think? Would they turn away in disgust?

None of them paid the two teens any attention. Will’s hand was warm and a little sweaty from the summer heat. Nico never wanted to let it go.

“Oh my gods,” Will muttered as their eyes adjusted to the low light at the bottom of the stairs. There were giant mounds of bones all around them, piles taller than the two of them put together. An actual crucifix hung on a dark wall surrounded by skulls. Two smaller crucifixes like the bone one above stared at the body of Christ. Will was transfixed by the year and name on the wall next to them, made entirely out of curving human ivory.

“I like the style. Think I could get that in my cabin?” Nico joked. Will turned to him, a mischievous smile on his face, ready to make a comeback but he froze, his eyes fixed on something over Nico’s shoulder.

“I think you need that,” he gestured with a nod of his head, squeezing Nico’s hand a little tighter. Nico turned. How he had managed to miss it, he would never know, but there in the middle of the room was a giant chandelier made of bone.

“Yes,” he breathed. It was terrifying, but oddly beautiful. Nico didn’t know the names for all these bones, but he recognized jaws, and hips, and legs. Spines made up swooping candle holders topped with skulls. Four pillars of skulls surrounded it on for sides.

“I’m thinking this blind monk was a son of Hades,” Will muttered, leaning gently against him as they admired the sheer number of bones collected in one place.

“Yeah, I gotta say, even Hades palace isn’t quite this intense,” Nico joked. “Maybe Dad should find this guy and have him redecorate.”

Will grinned, squeezing Nico’s hand again as he pulled him along to look at more of the room. They spent a good hour down there, quizzing each other on the names and locations of the bones. They did end up drawing attention, but for their excellent knowledge of skeletal structure, not the fact that they were still holding hands. They got stopped by a few tourists who wanted to ask them questions and at one point even had a small crowd going.

“You two are so smart!” a middle-aged lady complimented them after Nico explained that the large flat bones around the skulls of the chandelier were from the pelvis. “Your parents must be so proud!”

They both glanced at each other, thoughtfully. Would Hades or Apollo care? What about their mothers?

The laughed about it later over ice cream from a shop next to the ossuary.

“I think Apollo’d be creeped out by this place,” Will laughed. “No way he’d go into the crypt.”

“Hades would probably be unimpressed. It’s so… peaceful. I’ve never been to a peaceful cemetery before.” Nico was staring at the impressions of skulls made with mosaic tiles on the wall. Then Will’s hand brushed his on the table and his eyes blinked in time with his suddenly racing heart. Will hesitated, less confident when they weren’t plunging gung-ho into a monk’s morbid art project.

Piper’s words echoed in Nico’s ears. Be straightforward. Without looking away from the mosaics, Nico reached for Will’s hand, lacing their fingers together. He waited until Will’s fingers settled gently over his knuckles before turning to face him.

Will’s eyes were brighter than the sky, silently asking all the same questions that were floating around in Nico’s head.

“I wasn’t sure,” Will said.

“Yeah,” Nico was too nervous to say anything witty.

“You can be really hard to read sometimes.”

“I get that a lot,” Nico tried.

Will smiled a little. It wasn’t his usual, son of the sun god smile, but a smaller, more self conscious one. It felt private and special.

“I like you,” he said. Nico’s heart collided with his ribcage.

“I like you, too.” Will’s smile widened. He looked like a dork. Nico realized he was smiling too and probably looked equally ridiculous. He didn’t care.

“You can’t actually put a bone chandelier in your cabin,” Will told him. “I think using the bones of dead campers would really put a damper on the space.”

Nico laughed and for once it didn’t sound like he was in pain.

 They were sitting in a monastery park in a residential district that evening, eating takeaway from a Czech restaurant across the street. Will had held his hand the rest of the day. There were a couple old folks who looked at them a bit funny but no one said anything. They were leaving tomorrow, but Nico almost wished they weren’t. Something about this whole trip felt magical in a very normal and not god related way. He liked that.

“Just so you know, I’m pretty sure Apollo cabin placed bets,” Will said, taking a swig of his drink.

“What?” Coke came out of Nico’s nose.

“My siblings, they’re placing bets about whether or not we’re getting together.”

“Yeah,” Nico choked, trying to mop up the mess he made with napkins. “I got that, thanks, but why exactly? Isn’t this, I don’t know, private?”

Will shrugged. “What is privacy at Camp Half Blood? Didn’t Percy used to take Annabeth to the bottom of the lake to get private time when they first started dating?”

Nico didn’t know how he could be relaxed about the whole thing. “Last I checked, neither of us can breathe under water!”

“Uh, that’s what Hades’ cabin is for. No one would go near there without your permission. That’s why you can’t get the chandelier,” Will joked. Then, more seriously he asked, “Does it embarrass you that much?”

“Yes! Of course it’s embarrassing! I get embarrassed for Piper and Jason all the time!” There was a lot more to it than that, but Nico wanted to be brave for Will. For himself.

Will smiled a little. “Yeah, that’s true.”

“I was finally falling out of all the gossip,” Nico whined. Flopped dramatically into the grass next to Will. Will still looked a little hurt so he added, “I guess it can’t be helped.”

“It can’t?” Will looked hopeful.

Nico shook his head.

“I’m tired of the shadows.”

Notes: Sedlec Ossuary is cool.  Less than a week after writing the note in Will’s book about breaking ossicles, I ran into a colleague in the city WHO BROKE ONE. It was a very funny situation. 

[randomfandomimaginetime]

Love, Lust, Dirt.

Okay so I got really into writing this one so I hope ya’ll enjoy! 

Summary: On another away mission, the reader goes down to a new planet to lead some ensigns in gathering samples. While there they explore the new world thinking everything is calm when the unthinkable happens. 

Need to know: [Y/N] = Your name [Y/L/N]= your last name 

Warnings: Sorry I’m bad at summaries. Some Cursing. Hardly edited. Multiple parts, but I have no idea how many. 

Part 1

              More stars than one could ever imagine shimmered outside the enterprises window. Views like this were one of many reasons it was worthwhile being on the ship. Not far off in the distance you saw the bright purple glow from the planet you’d be visiting in just a few hours. It was a recently new find, uninhabited, and you were to gather soil samples. Not the most exciting job, but you were just eager to get down and explore a new planet. Taking one last gulp from your glass of wine, you went to clean up your mess behind the bar. You needed to get at least a few hours of sleep tonight. There couldn’t be any risk to your alertness on the mission. Once you got back to your quarters you were asleep right as your head hit the pillow.

               “Shit,” you hissed as you rose the next morning. Your alarm hadn’t gone off and waking up late you had exactly five minutes to get to the other side of the ship for your mission. Scrambling around you found your outfit, pulled back your hair, then ran as fast as you could towards the shuttles.

               “Ah Miss [Y/L/N]. Nice of you to join us,” A lieutenant said checking your name off his PADD. You had seen his face before, but couldn’t recall his name.

               “Sorry,” you mumbled. ���Overslept.” Then you quickly ran onto the shuttle before he could say another word. As expected, you were the last to arrive. The captain, Mr. Sulu, and a few other new recruits you didn’t yet know the names of were already sitting in their places.

               “There ya are [Y/N]. I was beginning to think you wouldn’t show up,” the captain grinned. “You meet the new recruits yet?” You took your seat next to the captain and Kirk introduced you to the ensigns. It was common for them to accompany missions such as this one. It had a low threat level so it was good practice for exploring new planets. On this away mission, you’d be in charge of them. Kirk and Sulu were there more for protection as well as the occasional moral support.

               “Why is Mr. Spock not accompanying this away mission?” You asked. Recently he had been a favorite of Kirks to bring to planets.

               “I left him in charge of the bridge,” Kirk explained. “Besides I think we’ll have enough backup with Mr. Sulu over here,” Kirk said clapping a hand on his shoulder. A few minutes later, the shuttle touched down on the purple colored ground.

               “Alright! Time to go collect some dirt,” Kirk joked rising from his seat. The shuttle door opened and you all shuffled out onto the strange planet. As soon as you stepped outside, you felt the planets moist air thick against your skin. It was more humid than anything you had experience on earth, quickly making your hair lie flat against your face. All around you were strange looking plants. Most of them were in various shades of purple, but every now and then you’d see an orange flower or bright green vines. It was very strange yet beautiful all at once.

               “Ensigns,” you said pulling their attention away from the strange plants and back to you. “Now you each know what you were sent down here to collect. Stick to that item and that item only. Be careful not to prick yourself, touch anything strange without gloves, or stray too far from the area. We don’t want anyone accidentally getting hurt. If you need any assistance report to me, Mr. Sulu, or the captain. Is that clear?”

               “Yes Lieutenant,” they all echoed.

               “Good. You are dismissed. Report back here in an hour for return to the enterprise.”

               “Nice work [Y/L/N].” Kirk smiled. “Spoken like a true leader. I can maybe even see you captaining your own ship one day.”

               “Thank you captain,” you replied.

               “Haven’t we established a first name basis yet?” He asked. “We’ve been friends for months now. I feel like we can drop the title.”

               “At least outside of formal situations,” added in Sulu.

               “Ah Logistics,” Kirk teased.

               “Well I don’t know,” you smirked. “You are the one that just called me [Y/L/N]. Now if you’ll excuse me gentlemen, I have my dirt to collect.”

               Strolling off into the woods you left the captain and Sulu to patrol the section of the forest you were in. There was no real threat as only plants lived on the planet, but it was better safe than sorry. Each time you came down to a new planet you felt like a child on Christmas day. There was so much to explore. So many new possibilities. You didn’t know where to begin. Well actually, you did…

               “Dirt,” you sighed. Kneeling, you pulled out a vial from your bag and began to collect dirt samples around various plant roots. You couldn’t lie though, as boring as Kirk made dirt sound, you were excited to get these samples up to the lab and see what organisms might be living in the soil. Slightly off to your left, you saw an ensign gathering their own samples. A smile crept its way across your face. Everything was going smoothly. Supposedly they’d gather their supplies, get back on the shuttle, up to the enterprise, you’d get praised for a job well done, then maybe get promoted to a more thrilling away mission? While you loved collecting samples from all planets, a sense of adventure was asking for a more dangerous one.

               “Lieutenant,” the ensign to your left called. You rose your head to get a better view at where she was now standing. “I found something fascinating I think you’ll want to see.” Making your way towards her you saw her crouching over a bright orange flower. At first you were confused at why she brought you to see a large flower, but then it changed colors. Then the colors changed again. Its colors were changing in a cycle, orange, yellow, red, pink, blue. It was fascinating, you’d never seen something like that before. Taking out your scanner you and the ensign began to observe the flower more closely. You had come so totally absorbed with its beauty you didn’t notice the ensigns head shoot up at first.

               “Did you hear that?” She asked. You rose, looked around, then listened intently.

               “Hear what?” You questioned. The ensign opened her mouth just about to speak when a strange noise echoed in the forest. It sounded almost like a growl, but it wasn’t a growl.

               “We need to make our way back towards the shuttle,” you said hurrying to gather your things. Pulling out your communicator you called the captain.

               “Captain where are you?” You asked. You had begun to jog back to the shuttle with the ensign at your heel.

               “About to circle back around towards the shuttle. Why what’s wrong?” He asked worried.

               “You need to get everybody back to the shuttle now. It may be nothing, but I’m taking precautions. I’ll explain later.”

               “Alright. I’ll send the word out.” Then you disconnected. You were struggling to get back to the shuttle fast without tripping on any branches that stuck up out of the ground. You were almost there though and once you were you could do a proper reading of the area.

               “Come on just this way ensign holy sh-“you said turning around a cluster of trees. Your words were cut off by an enormous roar. You could feel the wind from the creature’s breath flow against your skin. Whatever it was, it was huge, stood on all fours, had thick skin and a hammer head which looked as hard as rock.                “RUN!” You yelled. Grabbing the ensign by the arm you pulled her in the opposite direction of the monster. You began to circle around, sprinting back to the shuttle as fast as possible. The creature was gaining quickly on you.

               “I thought this was supposed to be a deserted planet?!” The ensign yelled.

               “It was,” you called back. “Just keep moving.” With how fast you had to move, dodging roots plus low hanging debris, you couldn’t grasp your communicator to alert the others to get the hell out of here. Your body began to burn with how fast you were running. But finally, the shuttle was within sight. You saw the other standing by the shuttle waiting for you.

               “GET ON THE SHUTTLE YOU YELLED!” Then the others grew wide eyed as the creature chasing you came into view. Kirk and Sulu blasted the things with their phaser’s which did nothing but make the creature more irritated.

               It let out another roar and as you got closer to the shuttle, the others had no choice but to flee as well. The creature was right next to the shuttle now. Turning to try and take in all the scattering crew, it’s massive foot fell on the shuttle smashing it in two.

               “Well there goes our escape,” the ensign next to you said in shock.

               “Kirk to enterprise!” You heard Jim yell. “Beam us up!! Beam us up now! I don’t care just do it!”

               “If they’re to beam us up fast we’ll need to get closer together you told the ensign. Together you ran over to where Kirk and Sulu were. The other ensigns soon saw and followed suite.

               “I’ll draw it off,” Kirk said.

               “Jim no!” You called, but it was too late. He was running away from the group shooting the monster with his phaser to draw it away. Soon after, ensigns were being beamed up in pairs leaving you and Sulu as the last two.

               “He’s not going to make it,” you cried frantic. Kirk and the beast were starting to have to many close calls for your comfort. You and Sulu went to aid the captain, but as you went you saw the white energy begin to wrap its way around Sulu you knew you were being pulled up to the ship.  Making an abrupt turn, you were just able to get out of the transport signals range.

               “Captain!” You called running towards Kirk.

               “[Y/N] you idiot you were supposed to get beamed up!”

               “I couldn’t leave you,” you said. The two of you were running in sync now desperately trying to lose the creature.

               “Look there!” Kirk yelled pointing to a cliff. “If we jump it won’t be able to follow!”

               “Are you mad? We’ll be killed!”

               “No, we won’t there’s water at the bottom and it’s just low enough. I looked at it earlier.” You gave him a look indicating you thought his plan was mad. “You’re just gonna have to trust me,” he said. You looked towards the cliff apprehensively, but didn’t see any other options. Either be mauled by this thing or risk jumping off a cliff.

               “Okay,” you said. Kirk gave a firm nod. Altering your course slightly you ran for the ledge and before you knew what was happening you felt weightless. It was as if for a brief moment, you were flying, then with a hard thud you landed in the water, gasped for air and that was the last you remembered before everything went dark.

[abcarwyn]

Mental Health Awareness - My Battle with Myself: When my ‘Enemy’ became ‘EneME’. *Somewhat non-educational*

Rationale

Everybody has mental-health, most people along the line will have some sort of difficulty with their mental-health, very few people (I believe) will have lived a life free of some sort of mental ailment. For a long time, I believed myself to be one of the latter. I was aware that for a good 80% of my life, I had tackled something known as ‘body dysmorphia’ (which had manifested from episodes of ruthless childhood bullying - ‘character building’ HA!) and this induced quite intense bouts of social anxiety and to some extent depression. Now, I had dealt (and obviously still deal) with these issues all my life, but nothing was ever clinical or life-threatening, I was able to manage my self-hatred through nothing less than a lot of practise, I could, as they say, ‘regulate’ these emotions. 

However, something happened to me last year which brought about quite possibly the worst couple of months of my life. I started a battle with myself that at the time, I could never see an end to, an all-out crusade that depleted every ounce of energy I had. The hardest battles we fight will often be with ourselves and I spent a good few months dealing with emotions that I pray every night, I will never see again. All a result of what can be described as ‘poor mental-health’. I’m sharing my experience not just because reflecting on our experiences can often help us understand ourselves better, but also to draw  focus to something I believe charities, movements, awareness days etc. often miss out on, the symptoms of poor mental-health. Behind every story is a message, and from my own experiences I hope to share a message that may prevent people going through what I did. 

My Experience

I can actually put a date on when this hellish journey began, 21st October 2018 (I only know this because of an email I sent to a lecturer regarding my absence a day after this all started), it was a Sunday. I started the day relatively positively, excited and eager for a rehearsal (as I always was), completely oblivious of what was to come. Then it started, a migraine. Now I’ve dealt with migraines in the past, I usually bring them on myself as a result of not eating for long periods of time, I think they’re a result of low blood-sugar but I’m no scientist, I really have no idea. This migraine was no different to any other I’d had, piercing headache, numbness of the tongue and what’s known as ‘transient aphasia’, which although sounds quite beautiful, is actually one of the most frustrating, terrifying and awful things to experience. Transient aphasia decimates your ability to concentrate, when I experience it, I cannot speak, read or write, my speech becomes slurred, I can only articulate nonsense and I become completely dead to the world. These symptoms often fade with paracetamol and a few hours of sleep, and indeed this one did. 

The next day, I had to miss a lecture, the migraine had come back, leaving me with an unfading headache and what was to be the worst few months of my life. The aphasia softened but the dull headache remained and it did so for months after, but that was just part of it. It’s important to note that I’d just had the most wonderful Summer with a resounding positive experience working with a language school that had boosted my faith in myself and my confidence, both intellectually and physically (seen as I had lost weight during the experience) and when I returned to University I naturally signed up to help out with all the events the Student’s Union could offer, I was on top of the world. I’ve always been an avid reader and a relentless watcher of television, this has provided me with a certain attachment to a diverse vocabulary and a solid grasp of how to articulate myself, going through school it was really all I had to my name, it was always a source of great pride for me, and as discussed, it was really all I had (which makes me sound pathetic but there we go, it is what it is). I mean, I’m no William Shakespeare, but I can string a sentence together. Back to the point, the second migraine had left me with a lasting dull headache (it felt like there was some sort of small creature pushing against my skull, trying to escape) and a sudden lack of concentration. I could barely speak, read or write, I was operating in a fog, and this fog was there to stay.

 Weeks rolled by and my condition worsened. I removed myself from many social situations because I just couldn’t articulate my thoughts, I would slur my speech, forget or mispronounce simple words, lose my train of thought, forget or mispronounce people’s names. Social media was no escape, immense concentration was required to read even the simplest of sentences and as for writing, I mostly terrified to even attempt it and when I did, every imminent, human spelling mistake or grammatical error was a devastating blow to my confidence. I dragged myself to lectures every now and again and it cost me any ounce of energy I had. All this while dealing with that irritating, dull headache and a terrifying blurred vision that would not subside. How did this affect me? I became depressed. Angry. Fearful. Self-loathing. I likened myself to nothing but a gibbering wreck, a mere shadow of what I used to be, a shell. I’d lost my voice, my concentration and any ounce of intellectual prowess I once had. I had very little patience for the people around me and it really demonstrated to me that people who claim to be supporters of those with mental-health issues require bold signs with ‘I HAVE A MENTAL HEALTH ISSUE’ to have any amount of compassion for those around them. I felt surrounded by gossips and naysayers who had nothing but contempt for what I could only describe as desperate screams for help. When people say, ‘you never know what people are going through, be kind’, that’s not just for the meek and the anxious, think about those maybe who you see as villains or obstacles for whatever reason. My absences were noted by those around me and I guess certain individuals didn’t have it in them to look at it in a sympathetic way. Nobody is immune to poor mental-health, and I found out the hard way that I wasn’t either. 

There are many ways to begin dealing with a small fire constantly burning behind one of your eyes and suddenly being unable to string a sentence together, I exhausted as many as I could: 

- I started by taking more paracetamol tablets than maybe I should have. Fail. (Never do this, I was desperate and stupid).

- Migraine tablets? Fail. 

- Eye-test? Fail 

- Stopped taking the antibiotics I take for acne-prone skin? Fail. 

- Blood tests? Fail 

Not many people know this but I actually applied for and endured a CT scan in semi-secret. There’s a lot of power in things that you tell people about yourself, and I’m very aware of that and it makes me deliberately selective. One thing I’ve taken from this experience and it was something I believed anyway, the NHS is a gift from God and despite what other people endure, I was given a CT scan in under a month, even though Christmas and the New Year was approaching. I’m very grateful to my doctor and the health service, I owe them a lot. But yes, the CT scan returned and there was nothing physical in my brain that would support the idea there was anything wrong with me. So I could rule that out. 

This is probably where we get to the point of the story. In the week or so leading up to the CT scan, I tearfully broke down to a lecturer and started seeing a University councillor. They both suggested that what I was experiencing could possibly be severe anxiety as a result of the pressure I was putting on myself to fulfil a certain expectation. I dismissed this theory. You see, at the time, mental health was something that other people struggled with. People with hardships, people with illness, people with children, severe stresses and other business.  It was something you saw on the television or maybe something your friends had. It was something you said that you always supported but never truly understood and obviously for everybody else, it was okay to not be okay. But not me, no, I was strong-minded, confident, well in control of my thoughts and feelings, this couldn’t possibly be anxiety, no this was obviously a brain tumour of some sort, this was out of my control, I had nothing to do with this. Of course, I was wrong. 

With the CT scan out of the way, I had no option but to take them up on what they said. My own brain had taken from me everything I held dear and my life was slowly starting to derail, my days had no meaning, everything I loved or enjoyed just seemed pointless, I was experiencing a cognitive impairment that had rendered any sort of higher-order thinking impossible to me, and it was killing me. So, I started the medication to deal with this issue for what it really was, anxiety. People told me what people will always tell you when you’re on anxiety medication:

‘It’ll get worse before it gets better’

‘Careful you don’t get addicted to them’

‘They’ll take a while to really kick in properly so don’t expect anything immediately’ 

And they were right of course, it took some time and few more sessions with a councillor and the fog started to clear, I could speak, converse... I felt so liberated. A milestone for me was my first proper teaching session in the third academic year, it wasn’t a placement but a little extra-curricular project with a local primary school. I could still teach, I could do it. I hadn’t lost that and it was so encouraging. I was coming back, regaining what I had never really lost. Ultimately it was concluded that the migraine had brought me crashing down at such a speed, it had produced a certain level of anxiety that was brought on from my own unrealistic expectations of myself, I was constantly comparing myself to what I ‘used’ to be, I had made my own past self into some sort of paragon and was aiming to be what can only be described as ‘perfect’, and this constant pressure and anxiety was making everything that much more difficult, and actually I came to realise, there was no ‘past self’, I was and always will be, me. 

But I learned so much about mental-health and about myself in what were quite literally the darkest days of my life and not only because my vision had been seriously impacted by anxiety. All this happened in the space of, what, about 4 months? October 2018 to February 2019. This is obviously not the case for everybody, but a mental illness can be suffered, diagnosed and treated in that time, mine was. 

The Message  

So, why have I bothered you and slowed down your day by telling you all of this? Simply because I think the more diverse and broader symptoms of anxiety aren’t advertised as well as they should be. I think we are talking about ‘supporting’ people with mental-health and ‘talking’ about our issues, but you know what we’re not explaining...? What those issues might be. I had no idea severe lack of concentration and headaches (which is what I was experiencing) can be induced by anxiety. I woke up every morning convinced I had a brain tumour because yes, I didn’t want to believe I had anxiety, but also for a long time I didn’t even think it a possibility. 

But also, I want to reassure people that actually, nobody is immune from a mental ailment and they can stem from anywhere. You don’t have to be sad, stressed, traumatised or whatever else to wake up one morning with a symptom of anxiety. However a person might be feeling, it is always worth to explore poor mental-health is a possible cause, because if I had, maybe I would have suffered less. 

Finally, one thing I haven’t mentioned just yet, is how grateful I am to have been surrounded by the most wonderful and supportive people I have ever met in my life. My own sister made a significant impact just by showing how much she cared and always making me feel like somebody was there. My flatmates (who are the best flatmates anybody could ever ask for, mainly because they put up with me) were there every step of the way, despite having their own issues and degrees to deal with, they could do nothing for me but listen and be understanding, there were times where I couldn’t even get their names right because my concentration was so poor. The University staff who counselled and sign-posted me, going far beyond their job description will always be a shining example of what excellent practice actually is, practice with compassion at its heart. There are so many people in my life who I could have shared my feelings with at the time, but actually, I didn’t want to bother them. There was nothing they could do, and that sometimes is the hardest thing about mental-health. The people around me couldn’t make the headache go away, paragraphs of text still frightened me immensely and it was a wonder they could even understand what I was saying most of the time, but actually, I did feel a little better knowing that the people around me knew I was a bit slow, and also why. A problem shared is a problem halved and all that. 

Am I completely out of the dark? No, I don’t think so. 

Am I still on medication? Of course, it is never anything to be ashamed of (literally no different to taking flu tablets for a cold) and I still rely on them to help my control the emotions that are induced by the pressure I put on myself. 

Am I better than I was? Immensely, just knowing that nearly a year ago I would never have been able to even dream about writing what you’ve just read, that’s how I know that I’m that little bit closer to where I want to be.